#maybe cartman was right

[littledevils]

Im not sure to what degree this might anger people, but I was having a contemplative conversation with my (admittedly very Latino) family&friends group and we sort of arrived at the conclusion that we couldn’t buy into the whole “Molly Weasley is an amazing cook” idea on the simple grounds that none of us had ever eaten well at a Brit’s table ever. I’m sorry, but are you trying to convince (coerce, really) me that the white (REDHEADED at that) British woman is meant to be making all these sumptuous ambrosial meals? Am I meant to suspend my sense of realism THAT MUCH? I’m not sure I can. Flying cars? Sure. Broom flying sports? Naturally. Wands and magic and runes and giant snakes? Most assuredly. A white British (did I mention redheaded?) woman making food that tastes anything other than bland? Inconceivable. You’re trying the foundations of my sense of reality. Nothing and nobody could convince me that Molly Weasley cooks with anything other than salt, MAYBE pepper, and I say maybe because we all know how that particular hue of individuals handles anything remotely associated to spice. If I were to transmitigate into the Wizarding World and directly into Molly Weasley’s kitchen, I would not be surprised in the least to find a ‘spice cabinet’ rather filled with mugs. No paprika, chili powder, no curry, no cardamom, no amchoor, no cumin, or oregano, or turmeric, or cayenne pepper, or saffron. Hell, I’d cum in my pants if I got a glimpse of a whole bell pepper before whatever authorities came and arrested me for being an illegal allienesse (another distinctly white British thing). I may be wrong, though, it’s been known to happen on occasion, usually hailed by a blood moon that’s laid curse upon my ancestry. If I am, of course I invite whatever Brit happens upon this thread to educate me, though I can’t promise I’ll be cooperative because I’ve spoken to many of the such that have tried to convince (indoctrinate) me that beans do, in fact, belong on toast when, in fact, they belong now where near the vicinity. I am, however, a bean snob and find even the Italian concept of beans on pasta less than desirable. Though one cannot blame the Italians for choosing to put every fucking thing on pasta for the sole purpose of not having to occupy a pan with rice, lest they give into the oriental practices they continue to maintain they never once came upon during the consolidation of the idea for pasta. In any case, that’s my position. I do realize this is slightly higher a word count that either you or I originally intended for so I’ll invite you to raise your complaints with my ADHD medication for only lasting four hours.

Best,

Someone with a spice tolerance (?).

[victimized-martyr]

to what degree do you think Cartman will grow to be a better person?

According to Trey’s commentary in Tsst, it doesn’t take much: Discipline, a firm male figure in his life. And now, implied by the end of Pandemic Special and towards the end of P.C, time away from friends who enable him are the ingredients for a better Cartman.

As little as it takes for him to be grow, it’s also just as easy for him to regress. Liane giving in on one occasion reverted what was months of firm parenting. A stagnant Kyle in P.C spurred Cartman’s paranoia, and reverted him back to his scheming 10 year old ways. He thinks he’s being talked down to and self sabotages out of spite at the end of Future Me. I think also a contributor to his Cartman-ness is how South Park itself doesn’t let him stay good for long, meager as his attempts may be on occasion. He’s the adults’s scapegoat (Bass to Mouth) as well as the Kids’s (Good Times With Weapons). the kids encourage Cartman to retaliate against Pc principal instead of letting him accept detention, and they smash his things while he was sincerely attempting to be PC.

Anyways, Cartman’s demonstrated he can be good in PC— he’s the father he never had, a loving (perhaps overzealous) husband, embracing the religion he’s constantly belittled.

While it was one off gag in Future Me, Cartman was inspired by end of the episode to study and work at his appearance. His future-self was proof that if he really wanted to, he can turn his life around.

He has the capacity to come to to right conclusions, (“should I just apologize to my friends and ask them to take me back, and tell them I was being a selfish jerk? Admit I was wrong and ask for forgiveness?”) He just… doesn’t have the discipline nor the humility to do so. (“Nah, screw that! I’m just gonna keep being a fucking dick!”)

At this point, we’ve experienced both extremes of the spectrum of goodness Cartman lies— his worst as a homeless drunk, the bastard boob-job narcissist he is now, and his best as a self made millionaire, or a family man devoted to his faith, or the obedient little boy who does his homework before school and eats a gay ass grapefruit for breakfast.

It isn’t a question to what degree Cartman can be good, because he’s shown to be good in various ways. The question is whether Mattrey/ the town of South Park will allow him to realize his potential. Given the very recent circumstances of The Hot Dog… well, it remains to be seen.

[spookymultimedia]

He has so many tummy issues 😔

[skitter-smack]

‘He wouldn’t fucking say that’ ruined a generation of fandom and personal interpretations of media

[gracieblood]

i wanna write the sp x heathers au i was thinking of, and i’ve thought about it fairly well, decided i’m gonna go with the musical plot rather than the movie, no idea if i’ll ever *actually* write it but the only problem is wtf am i supposed to call the heathers??? 😭 i can’t call them the heathers for obvious reasons so uhhhhhhhh

[troublcmakcrs]

//it is so fucking hilarious to me that craig & tweek have ended up in basically completely opposite social circles so their only real overlap is each other

[kennys-parka-jacket]

Actually, now that i think about it... who do yall think would win in a fight? Kyle or kenny?

[mazojo]

Bunny is the biggest Eric Cartman kinnie I have ever seen

[britishchick09]

my 'more like this' page updated and there are not one but two rewrite posts in it! :D

...and a lot of other stuff that's not mine

but yay for more rewrite! :D

[angel-gone-dark]

Kyle x Coquette girlie pretty please with sugar on top. 🤭

Kyle x Coquette!F!Reader

ok so like. i went off here. um, hope you like it bestie LMAO

CWs: unprotected sex, reader is a little bit of a shit, maybe a lil rough?

SMUT UNDER CUT. MDNI.

୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧

Kyle raised a brow at his friends in the hallway, who were all in various states of confusion. 

“What the hell are you all staring at?” He snipped, and Cartman pointed across the hall.

“Dude, look at her outfit. I’ve never seen anything like it.” 

Kyle looked over at the girl who had been pointed out. She was surrounded by the other girls, talking and laughing. He was entranced with the way she moved, flipping her hair over her shoulder. He’d never seen someone dress the way she did, her outfit consisting of white lace and pink bows. The mary janes on her feet clicked against the tiles any time she shuffled her pose. He swallowed, forcing his eyes back onto his friends. 

“Yeah? What, uh, what about it?” He asked.

Cartman cocked his head to the side, “What is she even going for?”

“Who cares, it works,” Kenny grinned. “She looks fucking hot.”

Kyle couldn’t help but agree. Her skirt was short over her tights, shirt showing off the smooth skin of her shoulders. He couldn’t help but shiver at the thought of it pressed against him, especially the skin on her chest and thighs. He had to take some deep breaths, attempting to force his boner down. Kyle was saved, literally, by the bell. He dashed off to his class, trying his hardest to ignore the pretty girl- and the bewildered cries of his friends.

୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧

The ginger slid his fingers through his curls, squinting down at his textbooks in frustration. He jotted down notes, rereading them at least 5 times over to make sure they made sense. He jumped, looking up with wide eyes when he was joined at the table… by the girl he was looking at earlier. You.

“Uh, hey,” he greeted. “Do you need something?”

“Yeah, I hear you’re a really good tutor. Can I get you to look over my work quickly?” You batted your lashes at him and he was suddenly extremely glad he was sitting down. 

“Yeah, yes of course,” He nodded, taking your notebook from you to glance over your notes. “This looks really good, but I think you have an error right here.”

You hummed, nodding. You contorted your face into your cutest pout, absolutely indulging in his eyes on you. 

“I don’t understand,” you huffed, moving your chair closer to him and pressing your chest up against his arm. 

He stammered trying to muster a reply, “W-well, uh, here. Look at the way I broke it down in my notes.”

Throughout his whole ‘tutoring’ thing, you acted your absolute cutest. If you were being entirely honest, you’d had your eyes on him from the moment you saw him. You were heavily repressing the urge to jump his bones in the very public library.

“You know, I think you should come to my house after school. I could use some more help,” you suggested, leaning further into him. 

His face was tinged deep with a blush that went from the tops of his ears down, down… you gnawed your lip thinking how far it reached. 

“Y-yeah. Okay,” he gave in. “Where do you…”

You interrupted him, “Meet me after school. We’ll walk together, handsome.”

He gaped as you retreated from the library, your little date secure. 

୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧

You waited for Kyle near the school’s main entrance, books clutched close to your chest. Your sickly sweet smile returned as he approached, and you gave him that innocent look that you knew would drive him nuts.

“Hi, Kyle,” you had put on your most charming voice. “Thanks for walking me home and helping me with homework.”

“No problem,” he smiled and it nearly took you out. “Can you scooch over? I’d rather be the one walking on the outside of the sidewalk.”

Oh, he was going to be the death of you. The walk to your house was mostly quiet, Kyle seeming content with the silence.

You opened your door, gesturing for him to follow you, and led him all the way up to your room. You sat pretty on your bed, tilting your head at him. He glanced around, trying to avoid your hungry gaze draping down him. You sighed gently, combing your fingers up your body to untie the ribbon holding your hair in its graceful ponytail. He sat in your desk chair, moving his textbook over his lap.

You stood, waltzing right on over and placing your hand over the thick book between you and heaven.

“Hiding something?” You teased, pressing down on it. 

He grabbed your wrist in his hand, speaking through grit teeth, “Stop it.” 

“Or what?” You taunted. He had had enough of your attitude. 

Kyle stood, grabbed you by the hips, and tossed you onto the mattress. He leaned over you, voice strained and hands gripping the sheets. 

“You’re making it extremely difficult for me to stay decent, do you know that? You asked me to help you study, and here I am trying, and you’re giving me those goddamn eyes,” he rambled, more frustrated than you had expected. “I can’t tell if you’re giving me permission to touch you like I want to.”

“Do it.”

As soon as he had your permission he was ravishing your lips with his, his hands moving to squeeze eagerly at your chest as he practically shoved his tongue down your throat. 

“You’re so fucking pretty, honey,” he breathed, face dipping to nip at your neck. “Why can’t you be this good all the time, hm?” 

You groaned as his lips moved downwards, and he left purpley blue hickeys on your skin. Those would be hard to cover, and you would have been angrier if one of his hands hadn’t moved under your skirt to stroke your slit through your tights and panties.

“Sorry about this, but the damn things are in the way.” He huffed, ripping a hole directly in the crotch of your tights.

As you made a move to protest, his deft fingers moved your panties to the side, thumb rolling over your clit and index plunging into you. You gasped, back arching under his touch as he stretched you out, adding his middle finger as well.

“Kyle, please.” You whined.

“Please what, pretty? Use your manners.” 

“Please just fuck me.” 

He chuckled, fingers curling inside of you teasingly, “Since you asked so nicely.”

You whimpered at how empty you felt as he retracted his fingers to undo his belt and jeans, leaning up on your elbows to watch. As he pulled his cock out of his boxers, you couldn’t help but salivate. He was thick, and wet, and blushing an angry pink at the tip. It twitched as he touched it to glide it against your slit, making you moan.

He was eager, too eager to properly undress either of you. All he did was flip your skirt up as he sunk into you, his jaw hanging open as he allowed you to adjust. 

“Shit, you’re tight,” he grunted, rolling his hips harshly into yours. “Atta girl, you can take it. C’mere.”

He pressed his lips on yours again as he began to move, pace quickly rising from the simple grind of his hips to roughly pound into your cunt. Your eyes fell shut, hands clawing at your cute pink bedspread. 

“K-Kyle, fuck.” You heaved, hips bucking up into his.

“Such a dirty mouth on you, gorgeous…” He smirked down at you, thumb moving back to roll over your clit. “Do you want me to make you cum on my cock?”

“Please, please, I need it, Kyle.” You begged, all sense of dignity out the window as he plunged in and out of you with wet slaps.

“Good girl. Such a good girl,” he groaned, increasing the pressure of his tight little circles. “So cute f’me.”

His cock twitched inside you, and he dropped his drooling mouth to your neck again, biting down hard before whispering in your ear.

“I’m gonna cum inside you, honey, you can take it. Fuck.”

You couldn’t hold it any longer, the tight coil that rested in your abdomen snapping suddenly as you came with a cry. You gripped him so tight he could barely move as he ground his hips down into you, his release not far behind, spilling warmth inside of you.

“Shit,” he cursed, gently pulling himself from your hole. “If you look this good with my cum dripping out of you we might be here for a while.”

୨୧ · · ♡ · · ୨୧

he owes reader a pair of tights!!!!

word count: 1411

[oldwritingm]

congrats on 400 & i'm so happy to be here!!!

for the event, if you still write for south park, could i get headcanons of maybe the main 4 + butters receiving genuine, heartfelt compliment and love from their partner? male or gn if that's okay/needed!!!

i've been craving soft comfort qwq

- 🍡

Here you are love!

South Park - Main Four (+ Butters) Reacting to Genuine Affection

Kyle

Okay, so you guys definitely have quite a bit of banter in your relationship

So at first it takes him a minute to figure out when you're actually being serious

"Kyle, you're so pretty."

He'll just blink at you for a second

When you don't give him a teasing smirk or burst out laughing, that's when he knows you're being real

And then his cheeks turn a few shades darker, and he looks away bashfully

He'll mutter something semi-coherently, not looking at you at all while he says it:

"Yeah, well... you're prettier..."

It's not that he doesn't believe what you say, or that he's embarrassed, he's just taken off guard

He actually really loves when you surprise him like that

He will be thinking about it for the next week at least

He'll totally zone out, too—just replaying that moment over and over in his mind

A little smile comes to his lips involuntarily, and he might even start blushing a little

He's just got to be careful not to do it around the guys... he'd never hear the end of it

Stan

He's convinced you're being fake or joking at first

Especially if it just comes out of the blue

"I love you, Stan."

He'll just blink, waiting for the "just kidding" or the punchline

When it doesn't come his face scrunches up a little

"You're... being serious?"

He's not trying to sound rude, he's just having a hard time believing you

He struggles with insecurity :(

No matter how long you've been together, he still doesn't know why someone like you would ever love him

But when you just smile sincerely and tell him that yes, you are being serious, his heart flutters

He definitely gets that huge lovesick grin of his (you know the one)

And he'll look at you with the purest loving gaze

Be prepared for a bear hug :D

And maybe some happy tears on your shoulder

Butters

It doesn't even occur to him that you might be joking

He believes everything you say, unless it's ultra-obvious you're joking

And even then he's more inclined to take whatever you're saying/doing as genuine, if only for his own delusional enjoyment

So, even if it comes out of nowhere, Butters accepts your affection

"You're the best thing in my life, Butters."

He'll put on a huge grin, taking your hand and squeezing it excitedly

"You're my favorite ever, Y/n!"

Cue the tooth-rotting fluff

This is how you two often fall into bouts of sickeningly sweet affection; cuddling, hand holding, "no-I-love-you-more" competitions...

It is very cheesy

But Butters LIVES for it

He loves it when you can both be all genuine like that; it increases his own confidence, plus it gives him a chance to show his unending love for you :)

Kenny

I feel like Kenny's really good about reading your emotions

And matching them as soon as he's aware

So even if you're in the middle of the goofiest goof session, he'll flip the switch just as quick as you

He'll know you're being genuine right away, and wastes no time being dumbfounded or anything

"I'm so in love with you."

You can see his cheeks going a little pink, but he smiles the brightest smile and hugs you tight

Then he returns the affection in full; both physically and verbally

It doesn't matter if you were being verbal or physical with your affection, he'll give you both in return

"I'm in love with you, too."

Depending on if you're in a silly affectionate or serious affectionate mood (again, he'll know), you may or may not end up in a hybrid cuddle-tickle fight

Otherwise you'll settle down somewhere and just bask in each other's arms

Maybe playing with each other's hair, mumbling sweet nothings, listening to heartbeats and breathing

Cartman

He is NOT going to take you seriously (or at least that's how it'll seem)

Even when he realizes that you are, indeed, being serious, he's going to make fun of you

"I love you more than you even know."

He tries to play off the way his cheeks turn pink and the way his heart flutters

He'll look away, waving his hand dismissively at you

"Pff, whatever. You're so cheesy, Y/n."

In reality, he's internalizing what you said and it's getting him higher than the moon

And he can't help just hugging you, at the very least

Or pretending to suplex you as an excuse to get you laying on top of him with his arms around your waist

Then he'll start to think about what you said more, and after a while he'll mutter, almost inaudibly:

"I love you more, stupid."

He'll never admit that he said it (activate gaslighting mode), but he secretly hopes that you really did hear it, and that you believe he said it (despite what he'll try to make you believe)

Because he meant it, and he wants you to know that he feels the same about you :)

Thanks for this request! And thank you so much for reading, take care doves <33

(divider by saradika)

[mccormickgf]

✧ ⁺˳ .🎄࿐ kyumi’s christmas

-> welcome to my first ever kinkmas/fluffmas ! i wanted to do a mix of both smut and fluff, so there’ll be 5 of each. ALL DATES ARE TENTATIVE !!!!

-> during this, i won’t be writing any requests since this will be taking up most of my time. but feel free to send them in for me to write in january <3

mccormickgf 2024 © all rights reserved; please do not plagiarize, translate, or repost my writing.

── i saw mommy kissing santa claus ! ft. butters scotch

❆ every year, your husband, butters, dresses up as santa for your kids. however, a poorly timed glance out of their bedroom door leads to a bizarre yet hilarious twist on christmas eve. | fluff

❆ dec. 1

── let it snow ! ft. eric cartman

❆ a record-breaking blizzard hits south park, colorado, and you're stuck outside eric cartman’s house, who just happens to be your sworn enemy. what choice do you have but to knock on the door? | smut

❆ dec. 3

── santa baby ! ft. wendy testaburger

❆ you knew you never should’ve accepted a gift from eric cartman. but maybe it was the final push you and your roommate wendy needed to finally confess. | smut

❆ dec. 6

── winter wonderland ! ft. kyle broflovski

❆ every christmas, your family always brings up the topic of you having a boyfriend and "settling down." each year, you begrudgingly tell them you're still single. but this year will be different— and you need your best friend, kyle, to help you out. | fluff

❆ dec. 9

── baby, it’s cold outside ! ft. kenny mccormick

❆ delivering your last gift on christmas eve leads to you into your best friend’s dads bed. | smut

❆ dec. 11

── it’s beginning to look a lot like christmas ! ft. stan marsh

❆ every christmas, you and stan always compete to see who can give the best gift. but this year, it’s safe to say you won. | fluff

❆ dec. 13

── deck the halls ! ft. stan marsh & wendy testaburger

❆ messing around while christmas decorating with your partners, stan and wendy, leads to more than any of you expected. | smut

❆ dec. 15

── last christmas ! ft. craig tucker & tweek tweak

❆ christmas has been a sore subject for you for a few years now. maybe two annoying upstairs neighbours can help bring back your christmas spirit. | fluff

❆ dec. 18

── jingle bells ! ft. kenny mccormick

❆ hanging a bell on your choker was supposed to be a cute addition to your winter outfit. who knew your boyfriend would go feral? | smut

❆ dec. 21

── i’ll be home for christmas ! ft. craig tucker

❆ a blizzard delays all of the flights back to south park, but craig’s got you waiting for him. he’s determined to make it home. | fluff

❆ dec. 24

[victimized-martyr]

Are you optimistic about season 26?

erm um… no?? 🥲

Season 25 and Streaming Wars had their moments, but overall the delivery of ideas felt lackluster. Much like the last 2 years, I expect a running theme. Essentially, the season won’t really be a season per se, but acts as narrative buildup interspersed with side episodes—though they will loosely connect to the season—leading up to the 2 specials airing later this year. It’s a solid game plan on paper, but s25/SW was super dodgy. I feel the saving grace was Tolkien’s renaming, and Cartman’s whole hot dog arc thing that just got set up. I know Randy was given competition (finally! the little resistance and pushback to his hijinks has done serious damage to his character) but really the biggest takeaway I’ve seen from fans/merch is stuff from Cartman’s arc. (cartitties).

However, I feel Matt and Trey have been revitalized by the concert, Casa Bonita’s opening, and their deepfake deal. It’s a double edged sword though, because now Mattrey are juggling the opening of a restaurant, production for the video game, their deepfake studio… I’m worried their attention will be divided and affect the quality of the story this season.

TLDR: Very mixed feelings, though not quite approaching cautiously optimistic… I expect the fresher ideas (HotDog) to get sidelined and Randy will remain in focus.

[stinkycartman]

people are always like kenny would grow up to be a smoker kenny would do HARD drugs NO!!!! Kenny would not. kenny grows up to be a scientist... sure the average teen who smoked once or drinks during parties or whatever but. Look at his parents. Why would he want to become THAT??? He started working at what ten years old to prove his dad wrong? He would want to become a safe space for Karen as well. Sure he probably has a disposition to addiction, was probably a meth baby (if they didn't address this in that epiosde i can't remember) so like. why would he go through that himself when he has seen first-hand from everyone around him what addiction or drugs/alcohol does to a person. his parents, the homeless people who cook drugs in his garage?? um... he WOULDN'T!!!! this is my professional opinion. that being said my other professional opinion regarding the main four is that it would be Stan if anyone. he grew up already drinking and yeah he hated weed but bad timeline yk his mom (his BFF. trust.) and his sister died and he hates his dad and he had no friends so what else do you do?? You smoke weed . he lives on a literal weed farm he would have the biggest and best oppurtinity plus his dad wouldn't be like NO!! his dad would be like Yes son smoke the tegridy weed, randy hates that stan doesn't in the first place. kyle is straight edge and a loser i fear. he had like acid once right?? never again plus his parents would FLIP especially sheila. and he would wanna set a good role model for Ike. i feel like maybe a drink or two before he's out at a party, he's got to be the responsible one and has to keep an eye on his friends nobody else would i think kenny would keep a good eye on people too not as enforcing as kyle would be though. more-so a suggested "you should slow down man..." ykwim!! um idk about Cartman but he sells vapes to kindergartners he's still doing that stuff, he's selling vapes in between like fourth and fifth period in the bathroom idk about him doing it himself but he is the one selling it!! professional opinion btw i ahave 15 phds in this my wording is a little weird in parts my formest apologies

[mantequillamcwhoremick]

I always believed that the reason why Kenny never tried to tell butters at all about his “curse” was never that he wouldn’t believe it in fact I think he would whole heartedly believe but because Butters would get like VERY paranoid & stressed about it and that Kenny doesn’t want to put any more baggage on him than butters is already dealing with

Well, the reason Kenny never tried to tell Butters about his curse first and foremost is because Matt and Trey haven't figured they should make this into a canon interaction yet, but when we talk about hypotheticals I think there's a lot to unpack.

Kenny and Butters aren't significantly close in their current canon age, so the reason Kenny might not have told him is because he just doesn't see the point, plus he doesn't really care about Butters and his opinion. Post COVID and "Going Native" have proven there's very much an insanely big potential for their dynamic, so it might be an interaction that could happen in the future sparked by a number of things in different ways.

Mostly, I think Kenny would tell Butters in a moment of weakness. This was the case in my fic Chaos Plan (sorry to bring Chaos Plan into this lmao but my writing is how I explore certain headcanons/interpretations of characters so bear with me), because I doubt that Kenny would usually try to convince anyone again, so as to not be disappointed when they don't believe him. The line "I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys" (s14's "Coon vs. Coon & Friends") is pretty much proof to me for this, as is Kenny's apathy towards his curse by the end of the trilogy. But I think it's necessary that Kenny and Butters are close friends for this to happen, because Kenny should want to confide in Butters in the first place.

The point you make about Butters being paranoid & anxious is a pretty interesting one, but I doubt this would be a reason Kenny wouldn't tell him. Butters may have a lot of baggage, but at the end of the day I think Kenny wouldn't see why BUTTERS would be anxious about KENNY'S curse.

Butters mirrors other people's emotions a lot when it comes to getting hyped or scared about something, (like how in "Poor and Stupid" he gets very "psyched" because Cartman is lmao), and Kenny isn't in any danger for Butters to be worried about him. He just has a pretty shitty situation going on that won't go away, and Kenny would treat it as such. All that Kenny needs here would be emotional support & someone who listens to & believes him, and I think Butters would recognize that.

Think of how Butters comforted him in "Major Boobage" when Kenny was addicted to cheesing. Butters definitely has the stuff to be an emotional crutch when he sees someone in distress, like in "A Boy and a Priest" or "Worldwide Privacy Tour" when he reaches out to Kyle after he sees him upset.

He's much less anxious and paranoid than people give him credit for, because most of his panicky moments are usually sparked deliberately by Cartman or his parents with unnecessarily scary threats of consequences that he's sadly learned to believe to be true. But Butters is actually awesome at emotional support, without letting the other person's problems get to him. He's more so than a rational problem-solver, which is where Kyle's strength lies, and is the reason Kyle isn't the person Kenny can confide in for this particular problem.

Butters, however, would be perfect. Kenny's problem doesn't need solutions, he needs someone to listen to him, believe him and maybe give him a hug so he can cry a little (a lot). And we've seen Butters is an incredibly emotionally intelligent guy, especially in the episodes "Raisins" and "Butterballs".

For all these reasons, I highly doubt Butters would get paranoid and stressed over Kenny's curse. Especially because he'd recognize there's no use in stressing about it, and I think he'd know right off the bat what Kenny actually needs.

Now, allow me to introduce a different hypothetical where your theory could definitely hold truth; another fic wip I have (sorry) where Kenny loses his immortality and develops a panic disorder. The premise is that Kenny can't stop seeing possible death causes anywhere he goes, and with his immortality gone, he's in constant fear that he's always on the verge of death.

(screenshot from season 3's "Tweek vs. Craig")

In this particular fic, Kenny and Butters are already together, but Kenny's never told him about his curse, or that he's lost his immortality. So when Kenny starts panicking about all the ways he thinks he could die, Butters mirrors this fear and unknowingly makes everything worse for Kenny, because he's accidentally reinforcing Kenny's irrational fears.

What I'm saying is; Kenny could very well THINK Butters would be stressed and paranoid if he knew about Kenny's curse, based on reactions Kenny's seen Butters have whenever Kenny is scared about a possible death cause. He could accidentally give Butters fears that Butters didn't have before because, again, Butters MIRRORS these kinds of emotions when someone convinces him it's rational/threatens a consequence that is supposed to inspire fear.

In these kinds of scenarios, your theory could very well hold truth. I think it's an interesting darker side to Kenny and Butters' possible dynamic, and I'm happy you pointed it out. I'm also excited to get that fic I mentioned out someday and hopefully spark more conversation about Kenny's possible anxiety issues originating from his curse >:)

[ashela-ley]

Can we talk about Cartman's tendency to pet Kyle? And the way Kyle lets him do it?

It's such an under-discussed part of their dynamic. Cartman does this all the time. He does it to tease Kyle. He does it to comfort him. He does it to express gratitude. He even does it to pictures of Kyle when Kyle's not there.

And you could say that's just Cartman, he's just touchy, that's just how he expresses himself . . . except that it's really not. All this petting and stroking isn't something you see him do with Stan and Kenny. (Friends he has said multiple times he loves.) It's not something he does with his actual pet, Mr Kitty. It's not something he does with his mom. It's not even something he does with Heidi or Yentl. There's a lot of hand-holding and kissing in those relationships, but Cartman appears to consider this expected romantic partner behavior, and to be imitating that accordingly. What you don't see with them is the clingy, almost unconscious need to touch he demonstrates with Kyle. Kyle has to be stroked, patted, petted, hugged, poked, pulled on . . . it seems to be a comfort thing for Cartman, and that is just so fascinating to me.

It's also endlessly fascinating to me that Kyle - who has no problem putting Cartman in his place about anything else - allows this nearly every time. Maybe there's some token complaining, but he never actually tries to stop it. It's not "ew, Cartman is hugging me" it's always "why is Cartman hugging me?" and that's a subtle difference I think gets overlooked. People like to claim Kyle's response to Cartman having a crush on him would be disgust, and that Kyman could only ever be one-sided for this reason. But Kyle's response to Cartman being affectionate with him is actually pretty much always confusion, not disgust. I get the impression Kyle doesn't know how he feels about it.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, but it's just so interesting to me, the relationship they both have to touch. Cartman uses Kyle to fulfil his need for touch and connection - and Kyle doesn't often reciprocate this touch, but he pretty consistently makes the concession of allowing it. They're feeling each other out, trying to work out "who are you to me and what do I feel for you?" It's one of the elements of Kyman that makes the ship so endearing, I think. There's this sweetness to it that absolutely should not exist between these characters, but does anyway.

Definitely! You’re right, Cartman does seem to seek out physical contact with Kyle considerably more than with anyone else he isn’t directly romantically involved with and my favourite instances of this is when he does so under the guise of antagonizing him. Two examples of this are the whole ‘Jennifer Lopez’-thing in “Fat Butt and Pancake Head” and Cartman promoting Kyle to the Germans in “Funnybot”. In both cases he uses an instance of disrespecting Kyle as a front to compliment him, with the ‘Jennifer Lopez’-persona constantly being gushing over him, telling him how much she likes him, calling him ‘handsome’ and of course ‘kissing’ him by Cartman pressing his hand against Kyle’s mouth. This is especially interesting considering the fact that later in the episode it is very heavily implied (and then pretty much outright confirmed in “200”) that Cartman really doesn’t have full control over the character. In “Funnybot” Cartman calls Kyle either ‘gentle/soft’ or ‘juicy’ (lol), ‘pretty’, and ‘very beautiful’ in extremely mangled German (which I guess is just regular German in-universe since the native speakers talk just like that) and while the context of the scene is obviously very dark for the viewer, who can infer what’s going on, Kyle doesn’t actually seem to realise what is happening. He doesn’t appear to understand what is being said at all and as such Cartman doesn’t even really have the excuse that he’s teasing him.

This scene fits the reaction you described that Kyle tends to have when Cartman engages him in physical contact very well: Kyle reacts to Cartman excessively touching him with confusion but simply lets it happen. He has every reason to be wary of Cartman’s intentions and yet he makes no effort to stop him from what he’s doing. In “ManBearPig” Kyle wakes up to find Cartman leaning over him and while he doesn’t actually touch him, he does get extremely close to him, giving us the famous image of their faces mere inches apart. Kyle’s reaction to this is incredibly understated: He appears at most slightly irritated and attempts neither to push Cartman off nor to move away from him. Once again, he mostly just seems confused by Cartman’s behaviour but, as far as we can see, makes no further attempts to investigate the reasons behind it. This understated reaction is an indication of an (imo) often overlooked aspect of their relationship, which is that while Kyle is well aware of what Cartman is theoretically capable of, he doesn’t actually seem worried that he’d ever seriously harm him. Personally, if I found myself trapped in a cave with a person who constantly professes his hatred for me and whom I know has no qualms about killing people, and then woke up to find said person looming over me in my sleep I’d be much more worried than Kyle appears to be. In fact, considering everything that has happened over the course of their relationship and how many despicable things Cartman has done, Kyle seems Weirdly Comfortable And Safe With His Evil, Ill-Intentioned Friend. Because that’s what they are: They’re friends. To call it a complicated friendship might be an understatement but when it comes down to it the simple fact of the matter is that these two do like each other. While in earlier seasons a point could be made that they only spend time together out of necessity (with the main four being somewhat isolated from the other kids, as Craig points out in “Pandemic 2”, and Cartman originally being an incidental part of the group as ‘the friend no one likes’), they’ve both long since expanded their social circles to a point where they are no longer ‘forced’ to spend time together for lack of better options. Kyle would be more than justified in cutting Cartman off completely and yet he doesn’t and I can honestly see no real reason for this other than the fact that he simply cares about him as a person.

So I agree that Kyle probably wouldn’t react with disgust to the hypothetical reveal that Cartman harbours romantic feelings towards him. I’m not claiming that he would necessarily be elated but I’m pretty sure ‘disgust’ would not be his first reaction and I think many people who think that it would be might at least partially hold that opinion due to projection: Because while we, as viewers, are frequently meant to find Cartman repulsive both physically and emotionally (his embodiment of the 'fat bastard' trope is a key part of his character, after all), Kyle doesn’t actually appear to overtly feel that way about him – which is to say he does kinda but not exclusively and it’s all just a bit more complicated than that. Kyle being thoroughly confused does seem like the most likely reaction to me. Regarding the physical aspect: Of course Kyle frequently makes derogatory remarks about Cartman’s appearance, specifically regarding his weight (to the point where it’s been a main focus of their dynamic for almost thirty years) but we see several times that his critique actually seems to stem from a place of worry and that he feels bad when he thinks that these comments have actually managed to hurt his feelings (e.g. “Raising the Bar”). Of course, what exactly Kyle’s feelings towards Cartman are is, with good reason, a source of much discussion and I’d claim that Kyle himself isn’t very sure of this. His sentiment towards Cartman definitely seems very erratic, with Kyle going from actively attempting to get him killed in “Fatbeard” to being concerned for his emotional well-being just a season later (“201”, “Poor and Stupid”). This concern Kyle has for a person he supposedly can’t stand has been a pretty consistent part of his character in later seasons and it’s especially striking when compared to the way he disregards his best friend’s feelings when he’s in genuine need of emotional support (“Raisins”, “You’re Getting Old”). This discrepancy is not only an indicator of the complicated relationship Kyle has with Cartman but imho also hints at at least one reason for it. In a (painfully long-winded😅) comment on AO3 I just touched on the similarities between Kyle and Cartman how interesting I find the very different ways in which they deal with their shared character traits. I believe this is something that draws them towards each other, though I’m certain that neither is actually consciously aware of this. You put it so beautifully in your last sentence: "There's this sweetness to it that absolutely should not exist between these characters, but does anyway." There really is an unexpectedly soft underbelly to their relationship that is a lot of fun to explore. While I wont deny the toxic aspects of this ship (in fact, they’re a major part of what I find interesting about it), there is also the surprising potential for a real emotional connection between these characters.