#maybe also brush your teeth and shower/otherwise clean yourself and change into different clothes if you can

[threecrowsinacloak]

reminder to not stay in bed until you get a dehydration headache. drink something. eat something. pee. then you can succumb to the horrors again

[leo-culture-technology]

I don't really have anything specific in mind, I'm actually kinda lost as to what to look for jkjsksjk I know I identify with some traits, like sensory issues and difficulty communicating (I do have a diagnosis of social phobia, though I've been thinking maybe autism would better explain other aspects of my life beyond social interaction). I've been reading some articles regarding late discovering of autism and mostly looking for experiences, so I can compare to my own. I feel like I should be looking for something else but I don't really know what? lmao I don't think that was really helpful, anything you can share would be good to me

This is a really long post so I'm going to put it under a read more to not clog up other people's feeds but I think the main areas to cover are:

- verbal communication issues

was your vocabulary/reading ever under/over developed as a child? Having a really advanced vocabulary is just as much a sign of autism as having delayed development in this area. Also, having a very hard to pin down accent, or taking on others' accents Really easily is common amongst autistic people. Do you ever have trouble speaking? I experience selective mutism and when I'm overwhelmed/stressed/upset I often find it hard to speak out loud and have to communicate through messages/notes, though when I'm not mute I'm very eloquent and have always had a vocabulary that was advanced, other kids found it hard to talk to me when I was younger bc they couldn't understand me, but equally comprehension/vocabulary can be delayed/compromised and you might find it hard to understand others because you struggle with that sort of thing yourself. Do you have issues with your tone of voice ever? I find that I can't read my own tone of voice or my volume, some things will come out really bitchy-sounding or angry-sounding and I won't be able to tell, or I might be shouting and not know it because it all sounds the same in my head really.

- sensory issues

do you have issues with certain types of sound? volume? quantity? volume doesn't bother me, but too many different sources of noise will send me into a meltdown so fast. Do you struggle with certain smells, bright lights, tastes, textures of food or of clothing, certain sensations, for example I get really stressed out by having wet skin/hair, and I can't stand the sound/feeling of something rubbing over carpet. I also find some tastes to be overwhelming. Under-sensitivity or processing issues can also be a symptom. Do you ever struggle to process reading/listening to something? I have absolutely awful retention for auditory information, I can't hold more than around 4-5 words in my mind at any one time, and I can't follow auditory instructions at all if there's more than one step, it needs to be written down. I also often struggle to read things because I don't process the words and they just look like meaningless letters on a page to me. I also really struggle to process my own thoughts and order them, I'm able to talk out loud but there are times where I can't write my thoughts without speaking them first because ordering my thoughts while they're still inside my head is very difficult. I also have an under-sensitive sense of smell and taste at times. I can't even smell when meat has gone bad and everyone else I know says it really stinks, and like I can't tell the difference between chicken gravy and onion gravy, for example, because they taste almost identical to me. And senses aren't just the basic five, either. Do you have a particularly high OR low pain threshold? interoception is the perception of bodily functions. Do you have trouble identifying/noticing when you're hungry/thirsty or when you need to go to the toilet e.g. you didn't need to go pee a minute ago but now you're Suddenly absolutely bursting to go because you didn't notice it earlier at all. Proprioception is your perception of your movements, balance and of where your limbs are in relation to your surroundings. Do you bump into things or fall over seemingly nothing a lot? Have you ever been told/noticed you move "strangely"? Do you ever walk sort of on your tiptoes or toes-first rather than heels-first?

- social issues

do you have trouble reading body language? facial expressions? figurative language? tone of voice? not every autistic person will experience all of the above, I know people who can't read body language but can read tone of voice, or can't read figurative language but can read facial expressions, etc. etc. Personally I struggle with tone of voice a lot, I can't tell when people are being serious or not, or whether they're upset or not, tone of voice doesn't really tell me anything about how they're feeling of what they mean. Figurative language varies, I understand metaphors and I often understand sarcasm, although I won't get it if it's too deadpan, and I sometimes miss hyperbole and think people are being serious. I also can't tell whether people are teasing me or genuinely being mean the vast majority of the time. I tend to rely on speech patterns and word choice a lot to understand people, personally. I pick up on what sorts of words they use in what moods and use that largely to inform my interpretations of their current mood based on the words they're choosing. Do you ever struggle understanding what is/isn't socially appropriate? I overshare a lot bc I don't rlly understand what is "too much information" and what isn't, and I also don't understand really how to treat people differently based on their "social role", like I treat someone like a friend regardless of whether they're a stranger, a classmate, a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, a teacher, etc.

- need for routine/dislike of sudden/significant change

this isn't always as clear as like needing an entire day to be a routine, it can be little things. I'll give some examples: I have to brush my teeth in a specific way - I count the number of passes of the brush over each section of my teeth, I have to eat a sandwich in a specific order of bites, many food places I will order the same thing every/nearly every time and I will eat that order in the same way, I wash my body/hair in a certain way/order in the shower every time, sometimes I get weirdly obsessed with symmetry and I have to walk in a certain way and if I step "wrong" I have to hop around on one leg until I feel "balanced" again, I have to do my daily tasks on genshin impact in a certain order, etc. etc. I could probably think of more if I tried. I will often get distressed/overwhelmed/upset if any of these "routines" are disrupted somehow. My original method of eating a sandwich applied to when they're cut across into rectangles, so I used to hate eating triangle sandwiches because I couldn't eat them "correctly" until I figured out a similar way to eat triangle sandwiches, and now I Have to eat them in that way because it's "correct" and I'll feel uncomfortable otherwise. Note that this isn't like OCD because it's not anxiety-based, it's based on the fact that it feels like the "correct" way to do it, and that any other way is simply "wrong" and you don't like doing it "wrong". The need for routine and dislike of change might also manifest in needing to plan things ahead days in advance, you also might be like me and be very capable of impulsively doing things like going out if You decide to do it, but if someone Else suggests it, then you need the preparation time. - stimming/special interests

stimming can be honestly anything. I tap my foot, I sing, I have a whole folder names "stim games" on my phone, I type, I eat, I chew gum, I flap my arms, I scratch fabrics, I smell blankets/clothing. Stimming just means self-stimulation and is absolutely any repeated action that you find soothing/cathartic in any way. Under here I'm also going to mention samefoods: foods that you feel comfortable eating even when you don't feel comfortable eating anything else. Like if too much flavour/smell/texture feels overwhelming, most autistic people will have food/s that aren't at all stressful to eat and they can default to at those times. Mine is a specific brand of chicken nuggets, I'll often fall back on those when eating anything else feels overwhelming but I need to eat Something, and I can usually handle those when I can't handle other things.

as for special interests, they are anything that you're kind of obsessed with. You can have multiple, they can change over your life, but your interest tends to go much deeper than that of a neurotypical person's and you feel a need to know everything about it and struggle to hold conversations about other topics because it kind of just takes over your brain. when I was younger some of my special interests were final fantasy, anime, hello kitty, languages/linguistics has always been a special interest of mine, kpop is definitely one, astrology is also for sure one. I fall in and out of being obsessed enough with genshin to call it a special interest. I had a friend in highschool whose special interest was the periodic table, for a while they were obsessed with the 8 times table, and then it became dinosaurs. My little brother is autistic and his special interest has always been video games, he's really interested in retro games, he loves Minecraft and Mario too, when he was younger it was ben 10 for a while, there was also a period where all he wanted to do as a kid was rewatch the cars movies. Media likes to portray special interests as being academic but they can truly be absolutely anything. A desire to know absolutely everything about trains or flowers or kpop is just as much a special interest as neurology or maths or physics or smth like that.

Another thing I've just thought of to be noted, is hygiene:

some autistic people might appear to have borderline OCD tendencies where they can't handle dirt/mess and need everything to be tidy/clean all the time. This is definitely one of the stereotypes. But struggling with hygiene is just as much a symptom of autism. If you struggle to remember to shower/wash hands/brush teeth/do laundry/etc. that could well be an autism symptom. I found out I'm sensitive to mint and especially to toothpaste, it makes my mouth feel like it's burning and like I'll actually cry if it touches my tongue bc it hurts that much lmao. I discovered a toothpaste that's unflavoured and doesn't foam up and now I can brush my teeth without pain but for a long time I struggled with consistently brushing teeth bc of that. I also struggle with showering bc of being stressed out by wet hair/skin. Sometimes it's also a memory thing, and I forget to do these things. I also absolutely suck at keeping my room clean, idk why I just Really Can't lmaoooooo

I'm certain there are things I haven't covered, these are mostly pulling from my own experiences of autism from myself and those around me. All of this might apply to you, it might not, but I hope it makes sense and has given you a good starting point of things to examine within yourself and questions to ask yourself <3 I wish you well bub and please always feel free to ask more questions and/or talk to me more about your experiences <3

[conspiracieys-archive]

@aromanticjangofett just for you !!! i hope that you do enjoy this fic!!! :D i tried to include all the things you mentioned to me <3

i hope that you enjoy it!!! i wanted to write Arthur taking care of you, cause you definitely deserve to be taken care of!! and so does he, so you guys take care of each other !!

————

Arthur was late, you found yourself thinking as you glanced at the clock for what felt like the hundredth time. It was a little strange; usually Arthur was punctual, home at 6pm on the dot. The clock inched closer to eight, though, and your chest was itchy and achy in all the wrong ways and your worried breathing pulled at the bandages around your torso that needed changing.

It was at 8pm on the dot, however, that the apartment door swung open and Arthur Fleck trudged inside.

“Sorry,” was the first word out of his mouth. His tone was so flat, and you wished you could actually stand up without pain to gather him into your arms. “I ran into trouble on the subway.” His shoulders slumped with the words, and something in your gut felt heavy. Why couldn’t people just leave Arthur alone? He was a little odd, but then again who wasn’t a little odd? Just because Arthur’s quirks were a little more obvious didn’t make him any less deserving of human decency.

“Are you okay?” you asked, trying your best to sit up on the couch. A hiss of pain escaped you as you moved, and Arthur’s body language changed almost immediately.

He kicked the door shut behind him and hurried to the kitchen, dropping down the paper sacks of groceries onto the empty counters. And then his eyes were on you. He shed his hoodie on the kitchen floor and rolled up his sleeves in one smooth motion as he crossed out of the kitchen and to the couch in a few long steps.

With a smile that was as natural as Arthur could muster, he carefully pressed one hand to the small of your back and one to your belly to help you sit up without hurting yourself.

“You know better than to move without help,” he chided, shaking his head a little. You couldn’t help but smile as some of his hair fell into his eyes, and you brushed it back on top of his head. And if you took a moment to run your fingers through his hair a couple of times, who could blame you? The way the corners of his eyes softened made it worth it, even as he tried to keep a stern expression on his face.

“I was worried,” you told him honestly. “I know you can handle yourself,” your mind briefly flashed to the gun he’d brought home one day and hoped he’d never find a need for it, “but I still worry.”

The way his smile dimmed just a little wasn’t lost on you, but he also didn’t give you a chance to push it and instead said, “Well I’m home now, and I bought you a little something at the store!”

You couldn’t help but perk up in curiosity at that. A gift? Money was tight, even with the two of you living together and pooling your income -medication didn’t come cheap, and Penny still had to eat as well. So a gift was, well… You didn’t need material things to know Arthur loved you, but a gift was such a pleasant surprise.

“What is it, Arthur?” you asked.

“Ah, ah,” teased the other man, the smile brightening back up and the corners of his eyes crinkling in genuine joy. “First thing’s first.” He gently tapped the side of your chest on the bandages. “Let’s get these changed. It’s passed time.”

It took a little bit of time for Arthur to help you lean forward, and once you were comfortable he took a few more moments to get a bowl of warm water and a clean wash cloth. He was careful as he unwrapped your bandages, not wanting to pull at the stitches still in place.

“Tell me if I press too hard,” he told you, making eye contact to make sure you nodded before he started to dab at your scars gently. Watching him delicately clean up your top surgery scars was fascinating. His eyes were so intense and his teeth were gritted, and it was clear he was giving your care his full concentration. It was… nice. Having someone this dedicated to helping you, and having someone be this in love with you was one of the nicest feelings in the world. “There!” Arthur chirped suddenly, drawing you out of your thoughts with a little jerk. He smiled up at you, looking particularly pleased with himself. You glanced down and couldn’t help but smile. He’d wrapped your still healing chest in bandages already, but had sneaked in bandages that had cute little versions of your favorite animal on them.

“You’re getting good at this,” you told him, and he bobbed his head in agreement before holding out his hands to help you get comfortable on the couch again.

“I have to!” he informed you. “I want you to have the best care possible while you’re recovering.”

He was careful as he tucked the sheet up over your chest before settling your favorite blanket over your lap. The look on his face as he stood over you, admiring his handiwork of getting you comfortable and wrapped up in blankets, sent warmth throughout your entire body. That look… You knew you had a similar look on your face whenever you looked at him, and you only hoped he knew just how much you loved him too.

“I give you this care,” Arthur began, dropping to his knees on the carpet beside you. He took your hand in his, threading your fingers together. His thumb rubbed over your knuckles almost immediately, and he continued speaking. “I give you this care because… Everyone deserves to be taken care of when they need it the most.” Your free hand found a place running through his hair, hoping maybe you could sooth the hurt he was remembering away.

You had never pried into Arthur’s past, but you knew it was bad. Whatever happened to him before you met him had done a number on his self worth, his self esteem, his… His everything. You had your own problems, past and present, but it only made it easier to relate to him, and it made it easier to want to help him heal from those past hurts. Even if it would take a while.

The kiss you pressed to his forehead was sudden, and Arthur jerked away for a moment before leaning back into you with his eyes closed.

“I’ll take care of you too, Arthur,” you promised him. With a little laugh, you added, “When I can move without it hurting, that is.”

He let out a small laugh at your words and leaned back to look you over. It was Arthur who initiated the next kiss, just a light peck against your lips that had you smiling. As soon as your damn stitches dissolved, you were pulling your Arthur into the tightest hug he’d ever experience.

Before you could convince yourself that damn the stitches, he needed that hug now, Arthur leaped to his feet. “Your present!” he exclaimed.

With a laugh, you asked, “This wasn’t it?” as you gestured to the cute bandages he’d wrapped you in. Arthur shook his head and moved off to the kitchen.

You smiled after Arthur, watching him pull out groceries from the paper sacks. His leg started bouncing the longer it took him to sort through the bags, the longer it took him to find the present for you.

“Okay!” he announced after what felt like forever. “Close your eyes.”

Of course, you obeyed. You didn’t even peek to see him walking toward you. Something soft was set on your lap, and as soon as he gave you the okay, you snapped your eyes open.

Sitting on your lap was, arguably, the cutest little clown plush you’d ever seen. You picked it up delicately and brought it closer to your face to inspect it. It had green hair, like Arthur’s Carnival, but otherwise didn’t particularly look like him. But it was still adorable.

“I thought-” Arthur began, before a nervous laugh bubbled out of his mouth. Your eyes snapped up to him as he slapped a hand over his mouth to muffle the laughs.

Instantly, you patted the couch next to you. “Sit,” you encouraged as the laughs continued to spill, still muffled, from behind his hand. Arthur shook his head but at your insistent gaze he perched beside you and choked as he tried to swallow the laughter.

“S-sorry,” he gasped out. “I thou- I thought-” the laughs cut him off again and you set the clown plush down on your lap and pressed one hand against the small of his back, the other one resting on his knee.

“Breathe,” you told him. “Breathe with me. Take your time.” You took a deep breath and began to breathe in a conscious, simple pattern that Arthur was able to follow after a few long moments of laughter and choking and tears. The laughter faded off into awkward chuckles, but Arthur’s breathing was easier. “Hi,” you said when he finally met your gaze again. “Tell me about the clown and what made you nervous.”

Arthur audibly swallowed and another laugh slipped out. “I thought… The clown looked a little like me and,” a laugh cut him off and he swallowed around it, “I thought that he could protect you when I’m at work.” He dropped his gaze and laughed again, but this one wasn’t from his condition. It was a self deprecating laugh that made your heart ache.

“Thank you, Arthur,” you told him sincerely, giving his knee a squeeze. You kept your hand on his knee and withdrew the other to touch the plush’s neon green hair. “He has your hair. I love him.” You looked back up at him. “I love it, Arthur. Thank you.” He seemed hesitant as he looked back up at you. “I love you, Arthur. This is … This is amazing.” You grinned at him, and the hesitant smile that he gave back warmed and hurt your heart all at once. “Kiss me again?” you asked.

Before he could oblige, a different and more tired voice called out from the master bedroom, “Happy…? Are you home?”

You let out an exasperated laugh as Arthur redirected his kiss to your forehead.

“Yes, Mother,” Arthur called back. To you, he whispered, “I love you too.”

Your heart swelled with happiness as Arthur stood and headed to Penny’s room to tend to her needs. As soon as you were healed, you were going to sit Arthur down and shower him in affection and not let him do a single thing. And you were going to do it shirtless, just because you could.

You picked up your clown plush and gave it a hug, smiling at the thought.

[appletreeisland]

Life Reset Plan

Okay, things are shit now. But they don’t want to stay like that. You know how to make it better, you just got to do it. So, as always, let’s write it down and get to it, yeah?

Step 1: Life Cleanse

Start by cleaning your room. Open all the windows. Light a candle, start an oil diffuser, just make the air breathable. Strip your bed and wash everything. Sheets, blankets, pillowcases, everything. Throw them all into the wash. Maybe use some extra soap. Some essential oils. Whatever makes you feel good. Then take everything you own and put it on your bare bed. Alright, now you got until the washer and dryer are done to go through all your shit and decide if it stays or goes. (For me, that’s about 1 hour and 15 minutes) Don’t spend to much time on things, you don’t got a lot of time to spare. Most things should be decided instantly. Pick it up. Do you want it? Not an immediate yes. Get rid of it. Donate it. Sell it. Trash it. Just get it out of your life somehow. Now that you know what you want to keep, give them a home. Put them away in a place that makes you feel good and where it could stay forever. Good. Now brush off or vacuum your bed and make the bed. Tuck in your sheets. Fold your throw blankets. Make it look comfy like those beds of Instagram girls and people who have their lives together. Wipe down any and all surfaces. Desktops, windowsill, bedside tables. Make them fresh and clean. Sweep and mop or vacuum your floor. Make it a space that you feel good walking around barefoot on.

Move onto the rest of your space. Repeat everything here in each area of your pace. Bathroom? Throw the towels in the wash, put everything on the floor or counter, go throw it all, clean your surfaces, put everything away, sweep and mop. Kitchen? Empty cabinets and fridge, get rid of old/outdated foods, things you’re not actually ever going to use, consolidate herbs and spices (looking at you, four things of cinnamon), wipe out the inside of cabinets and fridge, put everything away, wipe down counters and stovetop, sweep, mop. Etc, etc.

Lastly, cleanse your technology. No, don’t just wipe down screens. Delete everything that doesn't make you happy. Apps, files, photos, songs, accounts, contacts, etc. Be aggressive with this too. Anything that doesn’t immediately make you feel good, get rid of it. Unfollow accounts that make you feel bad about yourself, that waste your time, that doesn’t inspire you and bring you joy. Yeah, that paper you wrote in school and got an A, delete it. Unless you feel like you’ll use it for another class or research your doing. This is nuanced advice. Adapt it to your current situation. If anything, put it in the cloud. 

Step 2: Personal Cleanse

We’re going to start physical and work our way inwards.

Take your old clothes off. Take a shower or a bath. A good long one. Spend at least twice as long as you normally do (unless you normally take hour-long showers, you know, be reasonable), wash your hair, condition it, wash your body, use a sugar scrub, wash your face, exfoliate, hell even brush your teeth. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel clean and rejuvenated. Don’t do something just because I said to or someone else said to. Do it because you feel good doing it. Don’t shave if it’s not your thing. Don’t put a face mask on if it’s not your thing. Again, nuance. Dry yourself off, put lotion on, put on your favorite outfit, do your hair, do your makeup, make yourself feel good by looking good. But looking good in a way that makes you feel good. Don’t like makeup, don’t wear it. Your favorite outfit could be sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Could be a suit and tie. A dress, a romper, whatever. Even a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Now, find a way to simplify this routine. Make it a daily thing. Shower every day if it makes you feel good. Use a sugar scrub three times a week if you want. Make a personal hygiene routine that makes you feel your best. You can use mine as an example but definitely take everything you want and nothing you don’t.

Okay, now look inward a bit. At your habits. Do you like them? Do they make you feel good? Do they depress you? Make you feel like a failure? Try to think about everything you tend to do, no matter how small. Write them down if you need to. Make a list and go through each one by one with an overly critical eye. Really consider the place of that habit in your life. Take the ones you want to quit doing and make a plan to quit them. (Maybe read ahead a bit in case they are similar to the ones I’m changing in my own life so you don’t spend all this time on it just for me to go over it again more in-depth) Now, think about the habits you want to have. Do you want to be a runner? Do you want to wake up at 6am every day? Read before bed? Draw daily? Write them all down. Then think about why you want to do them. Because they make you happy? Because someone else does them? Because you were told they were good for you? Again, be overly critical. Only accept the ones that are purely for yourself. Don’t wake up at 5am because someone once told you that that’s how you have a productive day. Do it because you love the quiet stillness of waking up before others. Or because you need that time to do other things that purely make you happy.

Lastly, look at your emotional health. How have you been feeling recently? Good? Bad? Depressed? Really ask yourself some personal questions and be honest with yourself. Again write it down. In whatever way is best for you. Maybe that’s a brain dump or a Level 10 Life approach. Whatever works for you. Now, think about why you’ve been feeling that way. Is it other people in your life? Could you remove them from your life or sit down and discuss with them how they have been impacting your life or find ways to healthily deal with them? Look at all your relationships. You never know where draining and/or toxic people may be when you don’t look at them critically. Is it your habits? Well, we’re already working on that so good job! Is it where you live or work? What can you do about those? Move furniture around? Buy new art? Move? Change jobs? Ask for a promotion? Find out what you need and go get it. Ask for help, build a support network, find the people who truly care and want to help you and utilize them. You’re not a burden or bothering them. fAnd if you are either understand that they may also be going through some tough shit and need to take care of themselves first and that’s okay or maybe they weren’t as good of a relationship as you thought. 

Step 3: Social Cleanse

I know we just talked about this, but I want to go into it a bit more.

Look at all your relationships, Family, friends, love interests, coworkers, etc. How do you feel about these relationships? Can you discard them if necessary? Or reinvent them? Analyze all of them and make a conscious decision to keep them in your life.

Want more relationships? Find out how you personally make new ones. Do you go out places and strike up a conversation? Go to a cafe or store and find someone to talk to. Even a brief compliment or something you notice. See where it goes. If it doesn’t have the effect you wanted, try again. Not everyone is going to be your friend and that’s okay. We’re here for true friends, not superficial ones. Do you meet someone online? Download some apps. Be active on forums. Talk to people. State your intentions upfront if it may otherwise be ambiguous. Or do you prefer meeting people through others? Talk to your friends. Ask them about friends they have told you about. See if you all could do something together. Express interest in the people in their life and they’ll maybe introduce you to them. But they definitely won’t if they don’t know you’re interested.

How about yourself? Do you like yourself? How you treat yourself and others? Are there mannerisms you don’t like that you have? That you wish you did have? List them out. Really think about how you react to certain stimuli. If someone compliments you, how do you handle it? If they demean you, how do you respond? You don’t need to go through every little reaction right now, but stay mindful of them. If you notice that there’s something you don’t like, make a mental note of it and come back to it later. Why did you not like it? And, again, make sure you don’t make decisions based on others. Really think about it and decide if you want to make a change truly for yourself or for someone else.

Step 4: Building Your Life

So you got all your stuff figured out. A super clean space. A group of good friends. An understanding of your own feeling towards different aspects of your life. Now that you know these things, change the things you don’t like. 

Start with routines. Make them as strict or leisurely as you want. Set a time to wake up, a time to go to sleep. Figure out what you need to do every morning to have a good day, every night to have a good sleep and/or morning. You can look at mine for some ideas. Are there other things you want to do every day? Maybe you want to talk a walk during your lunch break or pick up your space every evening after dinner. Decide on things that you want to do every day and make them a routine. Put them in your schedule. Commit to them. Do them every day. Make weekly routines too. Every Thursday you do laundry. Every Wednesday you go grocery shopping. Every Monday you plan your week. Make as many or as few routines as you need to be happy with your life. Eventually, they will just be another part of your life and you won’t need to think about them anymore.

Then, focus on your habits. You’ve decided which ones you want to get rid of and which ones you want to start. Make plans for each and every one of them. Make a plan to quit smoking or spending less time on social media. Maybe that’s setting a limit. And that limit can be just as many/much as you’ve been doing. But now you’re limited to that. Then reduce it by a small bit. Instead of three cigarettes a day, limit yourself to 2. Instead of 2 hours on social media, spend 1.5 hours. Continue reducing the limit little by little until you’re at a point you are happy with and isn’t interfering with other things you want in life. Want to start a habit? Do the inverse. Start small and work up to your goal. Want to wake up earlier? Wake up five minutes earlier? Or even just work on getting out of bed right as your alarm goes off and then work on getting up earlier. 

Step 5: Living Your Life

It’s a process. Creating yourself is a process. You’re not going to have it all figured out in an afternoon. A lot of this is things that will slowly develop over time. You can do your initial overhaul but always come back to things. Review how you’re feeling and how things are going and make more changes as you need to.

So go out, live your life, continue to grow and work towards being the person you feel most happy as, and never let anything stop you. 

[kinglegolas]

i was tagged by @romaanovas​ & @florenepugh​ (thanks harls & ashlyn! 💖) to answer the following 73 questions!

answers are under the cut x

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? well there’s not really a lot going on at the moment and idk wtf i’m doing so i would say a low 5 lol

describe yourself in a hashtag? #couldbeworse

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? oof chris evans i guess

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? idk lol

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? most people irl know this, but i donated my eggs to my cousin a couple of years ago. the kid is the spitting image of my brother lol

what’s your wake up ritual? i lay in bed for a while on my phone then i get up, use the bathroom, wash my face & brush my teeth (if it’s the weekend or i don’t have work i might even have breakfast lol) (also at the moment since i’m literally just at home all the time, i’ll shower in the morning before i brush my teeth (i’m usually a night showerer))

what’s your go to bed ritual? i might watch a tv and then spend way too long on my phone, realise i should’ve gone to sleep hours ago and then spend ages trying to fall asleep lol

what’s your favorite time of day? evening

your go to for having a good laugh? brooklyn nine nine probably

dream country to visit? i wanna go to the us (specifically florida so i can go to the wizarding world of harry potter), but i’d also love to go back to australia

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? umm i can’t think of like any times i’ve had a surprise, but i guess there was the time when i really wanted niall horan m&g tickets but missed out, then someone was selling hers and was gonna give it to me but then didn’t (thank GOD bc she ended up scamming her OWN FRIEND, bitch that could been ME getting scammed!), but then one of my friends ended up having a spare that she sold me and the seats we had were MIDDLE FRONT ROW. also it was the day after my birthday and niall wished me happy birthday and it was the best even though i was so awkward when i met him lol. does this count as a surprise even though i did have to pay her back coz i mean i didn’t expect the seats to be middle front row and also didn’t even expect to get m&g at all lol

heels or flats/sneakers? flats/sneakers, my go to is my white converse, love those lil bitches. i do think heels are gorgeous but ouch my feet

vintage or new? both!

who do you want to write your obituary? idk

style icon? zendaya probably

what are three things you cannot live without? books, internet, family

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? honestly just mixed herbs lol, depending on the dish of course

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? chris evans, sebastian stan & harry styles

what’s your biggest fear in life? dying lol. also spiders

window or aisle seat? window

what’s your current tv obsession? terrace house

favorite app? instagram

secret talent? it’s not that secret? but i can sing ok i guess... don’t love to actually sing in front of people though lmao

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? idk, probably just going to sydney with my cousin? w/o like actual adult supervision lol

how would you define yourself in three words? sarcastic, nice, homebody

favorite piece of clothing you own? hmm, maybe this blue jumper i’m wearing rn

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? denim jacket

a superpower you would want? teleportation! imagine the places you could go and the money you would save! alternatively, general magic would be cool (hp style, then i could apparate too lol)

what’s inspiring you in life right now? uhh nothing really lol

best piece of advice you’ve received? idk

best advice you’d give your teenage self? be more confident and do more fun things

a book everyone should read? the harry potter series

what would you like to be remembered for? being a nice, good person

how do you define beauty? i think beauty is different for everyone, especially in terms of aesthetics and appearances, but there’s also inner beauty which i think comes from generally being a good person

what do you love most about your body? idk? my eyes maybe?

best way to take a rest/decompress? self-care! face masks, baths, listening to music or reading

favorite place to view art? galleries i guess

if your life was a song, what would the title be? idk lol

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano! i took lessons for like two terms when i was in primary school but gave up bc i though the songs i was learning were boring and basic BUT I WISH I’D JUST STUCK WITH IT! also if i could actually get better at guitar, that would be nice too

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? i already have one on my upper back but i would love for it to be changed into something else, otherwise maybe below my inner elbow?

dolphins or koalas? koalas

what’s your spirit animal? i just took some random quiz and got deer so that i guess lol

best gift you’ve ever received? my mum got me a guitar for my 15th birthday (which, by the way, was almost 10 years ago and i caNNOT believe that)

best gift you’ve given? i made two of my best friends scrapbooks about our friendships for both of their 21st birthdays

what’s your favorite board game? game of life or cards against humanity

what’s your favorite color? lilac

least favorite color? brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? bit of both

blow-dry or air-dry? both

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee but i also love tea

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? lackadaisical

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk chocolate babey

stairs or elevators? elevators

summer or winter? summer

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? nachos!!

a dessert you don’t like? banana split. i HATE bananas

a skill you’re working on mastering? i can’t really think of anything in particular?

best thing to happen to you today? it’s like 12:30pm and i’ve not done much, but i’ll be watching prisoner of azkaban with @thewinterrsoldier​ soon so that’ll be fun 😊

worst thing to happen to you today? nothing yet lol

best compliment you’ve ever received? idk, i’m struggling to think of times i’ve been complimented tbh (i also don’t have that great of a memory tbh)

favorite smell? rain, or the smell just before it rains. or this strawberry poundcake body moisturiser i had. ooh or the raspberry body butter from the body shop lol

hugs or kisses? both

if you made a documentary, would it be about? animals or space or something lol

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? harry potter lol

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? margot robbie

how do you know your in love? no idea

a song you can listen to on repeat? it’s hard to narrow it down! i’m just gonna with clean or blank space by taylor swift

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? maybe margot robbie? just so i could see what it’s like to be THAT beautiful wow

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? figuring out what the fresh fuck to do i guess but that’s also kind of scary lol

tagging: @louvegoods @buckyperalta @damerondjarin @james-barnes @vintersoldier @vcastiel @yodababe @ctrls @tomhollandd @romanoft @astoriamalfxy + anyone else who would like to do this. also feel free to ignore! x

[bimbostudies]

fun might be a stretch here i’m not gonna lie, but ever since i started waking up at 5 am i’ve been a generally happier person!  i know this sounds like a nightmare but the mornings, i’ve noticed, are a space of so much potential.  especially if you’re in college, getting up early can be great because you can have a few hours to yourself before your roommate wakes up, and you can get a head start on your day and overall be more productive later on.  

convinced? great!  here’s how to do it, and some suggestions for what to do with all your extra time.  

THE NIGHT BEFORE

set an alarm: assuming your body doesn’t naturally wake up at 5 (if it does, rock on), an alarm is gonna be necessary.  but there are ways to do this to maximize impact. 

sleepyti.me: this website calculates the length of your sleep cycles and allows you to see when you’ll be in your lightest sleep (a.k.a., when it’ll be easiest to wake up). 

have roommates/living with family? perfect.  Get a loud alarm clock and set it up close to where your roommate sleeps.  Set that alarm for 5:01.  Set your phone alarm for 5:00.  (make sure the clocks are lined up).  when you wake up, you’re gonna jet on over to that other alarm as soon as you wake up, and the adrenaline is gonna wake you right up.  

If you don’t have a roommate, you can still utilize a similar system.  Set an alarm, and put it across the room. It’s gonna be a lot harder to hit snooze when you’ve already walked that far.  

make a to do list: listing out things you want to get done/need to get done the next morning are going to give you more motivation when you wake up.  while sleeping is gonna be tempting, psyching yourself up for the next day will help you get up.  Scroll down for an example of what I like to do when I get up early! 

this is gonna make me sound like a real caucasian suburban mom but I really really love pinterest for to do list inspo.  If you can find a specific recipe you wanna try for making breakfast that’s gonna be more exciting than just writing “breakfast”

I would also recommend setting out your outfit for tomorrow ! Looking at makeup looks you wanna try if you wear makeup!! If you don’t, that is wonderful and congratulations on being freed from the confines of human performance in that way I wish that was me so badly!  

generally, just do anything to get you excited about starting tomorrow.  hype yourself up bitch ur gonna look cute and have a great day !!!!!  

straighten up your space: take 15 minutes before bed to straighten up your room.  stack your books, put clothes in the hamper, and just generally declutter.   

I have adhd and I literally hate cleaning so much but I hate mess even more, so waking up to a neat room makes me feel less overwhelmed and more in control of my life

A lot of people clean in the morning, which is also valid, but if you’re telling yourself that you’re gonna do that because of procrastination, do not listen!  That voice is the devil

self care: this is a meaningless term at this point, but what I generally mean is make yourself feel fresh.  Take a shower, wash your face, brush your teeth, take a hot second to change into pajamas instead of sleeping in your clothes.  You’re gonna sleep better if you give yourself transition space to let your brain adjust to the fact that you’re going to sleep.     

drink a big ass glass of water right before you go to bed.  you’re gonna need to pee the next morning so badly that your body will literally not let you go back to sleep.  unpleasant? maybe.  but the hydration is good for you.   

sleep!  Honestly sleeping is one of the sexiest parts of the day and getting a good night’s rest is gonna be a real game changer.  I recommend shooting for at least 6 hours, but if you’re able to go to bed earlier, don’t just stay up because!  Get some rest

THE MORNING OF

once your alarm has gone off, get up and do not get back into bed.  I like to aim for at least 20 minutes of moving around before I even touch my bed again, but some people make their bed as soon as they get up to discourage going back to sleep.  Also a valid point.  

stretch!  Once you’re up, stretch your core by putting interlocking your fingers and raising your hands into the air.  This always feels so nice after just waking up 

head to the bathroom: if you have long hair, put it up. Otherwise, splash some cold water on your face, brush your teeth, do your skincare routine if you have one (i recommend having one!  Even if it’s just washing your face and putting on some cheap lotion from the beauty aisle of the grocery store).  It’ll help you get ~into the zone~

If you’re into it, work out!  i rarely work out, I’m not gonna lie to y’all, but I’ll occasionally go to the fitness center in my dorm.  If I’m feeling extra motivated, I’ll bring some notes or reading to look at while I’m on the elliptical/cycling machine/treadmill because exercising actually helps you process things better.  

yoga: yoga is a super nice workout in the morning because it doesn’t need to be super intensive.  It’s good if you’re feeling already awake, but I would avoid any routines that include corpse pose/child’s pose if you’re feeling a bit sleepy still.  

dance: dance is so nice!  There’s a barre in my workout facility, and I sometimes head to do a barre workout while I listen to some upbeat music.  I’m also a big fan of just dancing around in my room in the mornings, and I definitely did that more before I had a roommate lol 

running/walking: running and walking (especially with a pet!) is a great way to start the day!  It gets you outside into the cold, which will wake you up, and it can be pretty cathartic.  I don’t usually run in the mornings just because it’s dark this time of year and it can be kinda unsafe, but if you’re comfortable with going on a run or you live in an area that’s safe enough, it’s awesome!  Always take pepper spray and your phone though !  

easier alternatives: do ten jumping jacks, stars, or run in place for a minute.  Anything that gets your blood flowing is gonna make it easier to sleep.

ake your time getting ready!  now that you’re up early, you don’t have to rush around trying to get your makeup on on time, or throwing together an outfit in the two minutes you have before the bus comes.  Take your time.  Treat it like a ritual.  Get ready intentionally.  You’re going to feel more put together and you’re gonna feel like the stunner you are and that’s gonna make you feel more confident going into the day!  

make your bed: this is one of the best things to do in the morning because it’s low risk, high reward!  Making your bed takes like five minutes max, but when you get home your room is gonna look 300% neater and you’re gonna feel so much better.   

go over your schedule: finish any last minute things you’re gonna need for the day, whether that’s printing assignments, putting your name on your worksheet, or remembering to bring a specific book to class.   

pack your bag: related to the above, take the time to pack your bag.  Do you have your chargers? Your headphones? Your notebooks? Your pencil case?  Having time to do this thoughtfully instead of rushing is gonna make it less likely you forget something important! 

breakfast: for the love of god, eat breakfast.  If you’re up early, you have literally no excuse not to.  It can be as easy as some toast with jam or as complicated as apple cinnamon pancakes with two different side dishes.  Whatever it is, make something yummy to fuel you for the rest of your day.   

pack a lunch: making lunch at home will save you a lot of money which rocks, especially if you’re a college student supporting yourself.  It’s also a lot more convenient because you don’t need to spend time waiting in line for food or walking to a place to eat.   

get to school/wherever you need to be early: I know, at this point you might think I’m a lunatic but there are a lot of benefits to getting to school early, even if it means you have to wait in the parking lot for a bit. 

traffic is more manageable earlier in the morning: if you leave only when you absolutely have to, you’re gonna end up on the road at the same time as every clown and their mother, and it’s gonna take you a lot longer.  For example, in high school, if I left at 6:45 I would get to campus by 7:05.  But if I left by 7:15, I would get there a few minutes before 8.  Not sexy!  

Less anxiety! If you leave early, you’re guaranteed to get to class on time, without the heart attack of praying that the bus driver or the person in front of you on the freeway starts flooring it.  When you’re early, you have that time to yourself, and you don’t have to feel like you’re in a rush.  

once you’re there, find somewhere to hang out and read/get some work done!  I like to review any notes I took to prepare for a lecture the morning before to refresh myself.  It’s not necessary, but it helps!  

If you’re reading this and thinking gosh, what an absolute nerd! that’s fair.  You can spend this time on social media if you’d like, or reading, or listening to a podcast/audiobook!   

This is your time, you earned it.  And by the time your day starts, you’re gonna feel like you’ve already done so much that you’re ready to take on anything that gets thrown at you.   

okay I hope you all enjoyed this advice!  let me know if there’s any other master posts you’d like to see me do :)

[lucywithlupus]

“When my loved ones tell me the sparkle in my eyes are back, even if it’s for a day; and on that day, I feel. I feel the things that have been missing, things I didn’t even realize weren’t there anymore.”— Courtenay Ambrose Living with a rheumatoid condition means that you are pretty familiar with the rise and fall of your health. We would wish to always stay up, but sometimes, we fall, and we fall hard. Hospitalizations or a recovery period at home can be daunting, traumatic experiences. They make you realize how in one second, your health could be at risk. Whether it is for excess inflammation, a serious damage of your joints, bones or muscles, organ failure or an infection that your body cannot get rid by itself, there are plenty of possible scenarios where you are placed back in that hospital bed for a few days, only to be sent back home and told to take a few (or many) days off. And I will admit, those days are some of the saddest I have experienced in my life. Coming back home was like an explosion of emotions: anger, happiness, sadness, confusion, fear, etc. Knowing that I would have to take things slow was devastating to me since all I wanted was to finally wipe off all memories of me being in that hospital bed. But not all hope was lost, and, for the first time in so long, I can finally say that I am getting better, and I will continue to get better every day. In this post, we will talk about what can you do during those recovery days and how can you heal yourself in the best way possible. I carefully thought about the things I did during these last three weeks of recovery, and how each of them was either a step forward or backward. You are not alone, and we can put you on the right track to sweet, healthy freedom! Without further ado, here we go: How to get better after a long recovery break? Tip 1: Eat The first three tips that I have to involve the Big Three: Food, Water and Sleep. We all need them, we cannot survive without them, and, in most cases, they are the only three tools your body will need to make you feel better. When I came back to the hospital, I was still trying to listen to my body and what it asked me to do. It was super hard to eat again after almost two weeks of nausea and irregular appetite, so even choosing what to eat was an important daily task. I would constantly ask myself: "am I ok? what do I need?" Note that when you're sick, sometimes what you need and what you won't get mixed up. You may want to eat a tub of ice cream, but maybe that won't help in your healing process. Both what you crave and what you actually end up eating are important. Inform your doctor on both of these: your appetite patterns will always be a key hint of how your organs and metabolism are doing. Now, about nausea: no one likes it. But you have to get through it.Foods with a bland taste and some texture to them like crackers, popcorn and toast made for great post-hospital-food snacks, while also not making me want to throw up. Chewing your food rather than drinking it in soups or smoothies also makes your body fuller for longer. Don't be surprised if you eat more or less than you normally do: just follow what your body is telling you to do! The trick is to be aware of what you are eating, chose healthy things most of the time and treat yourself every so often. This is no time for a strict diet: change your eating patterns according to your mood and hunger levels! Tip 2: Drink water Water, water, water! Drink water, all day, every day, nonstop. Being properly hydrated is the only way your body is going to heal itself. So if that wasn't on your 2019 resolutions list, write it down now. You still have 11 months to achieve master levels of water intake. Another tip: make sure you have good hygiene. Sometimes, it is hard to understand for others, but I can't step into the shower without fearing death by slip. It was worse when my hand still had an intravenous treatment happening, and I needed to protect my hand from water at all times. Being clean and tidy at all times does not only make you feel fresh and clean, but it also makes you feel more motivated to make your day right. So wash your face, clean your teeth, change out of those PJs: make sure every morning, you are ready to step out that door, even though you know that you may not go anywhere. It's small tweaks like this that make a huge difference! Tip 3: Sleep and Rest    This should not come as a surprise to anyone, but sleep is probably what your body does more when its spending energy trying to heal you. Identify how does your body tells you it is tired and wants to sleep, and do not continue binge-watching Netflix just because you want to know what happens in the next episode. Sleep now. You'll thank me later. But obviously, you can't sleep all day. Resting other ways is just as important, but do rest mindfully. This is what I mean: you probably won't feel rested after that 45-minute Forntnite gameplay video, but probably you would by spending 10 minutes doing something else: listening to some music, coloring, playing an instrument, taking a walk. Surprisingly, I have found so many things that I can do to relax that I would not do before because I was too lazy to try them out! And for my fellow workaholics out there, understand that your body is not going to keep up with the same workload as before at first. That is perfectly normal and ok, and you should not feel guilty for that. If you really want to squeeze in some work,  just zigzag your way between breaks and work and eventually, things will get done. Tip 4: Know your limits This ties in nicely with what I was saying before. Coincidence, I don't think so! I understand that finally being free of nurses and doctors telling you do lay down and rest makes you want to do the exact opposite when no one is watching. But the truth of the matter is: if you don't stop yourself, your body will, using its own painful, unpleasant ways. Take your time to heal, that's why you are here in the first place! Accept the fact that you cannot go to work/school/ university or college right now because you put yourself and others at risk. Try to do some tasks, but make sure you prioritize health and rest for now. Plus, let me spill on you some truth: It is not your fault you are in this situation. It never was and never will be. String-theory-wise, there are so many possible realities where you are in the hospital for so many different reasons beyond your illness, like a car crash or an armed robbery. In these realities, no one would dare tell you it was your fault you got hurt, so why now? Why now blame yourself and actually sabotage your healing with bad thoughts? So every time you feel guilty, alone or weak, just think of your day and what you accomplished today. Today you got up, brushed your teeth, put on some clothes, took your meds, etc. Slowly but surely, these little victories will matter and push you forward.                Tip 5: Rebuild your space Imagine that you are a plane crash survivor, drifting in the ocean in a tiny lifesaving boat. Your house is like this boat:  it protects you, but you also spend a heck of a long time in it. So the logical thing to do would be to make sure this tiny boat has all the things you need to survive: a rain collector, a weapon for fishing, some good wifi, etc. In other words, make sure your house is equipped and cozy enough for you to survive the long wait. Bring important things near your bed for what I call "drop everything"  moments: basically, moments when you feel so bad, you just throw everything everywhere and toss yourself in bed, helpless and sad. Have essentials in your nightstand at all times: pills, water, thermometer, tissues, snacks, etc. These will save you during those "I can't get up" tragedies. Also, bring out things to keep you entertained throughout your stay. My room has never had so many books lying around. There are coloring pencils I haven't touched in so long which are now every day "grab and doodle" tool. I still cannot stay be separated from my headphones and fine tunes for long. You get the point. If you need something, do not be ashamed or afraid to ask for it. Call a friend, your parents, your family and let them know how they can help you! Tip 6: Try new things Imagine you are now at work or school, sitting in your desk, your mind wandering. These are the exact moments when you think: I could totally become a great dancer/ artist/ DJ/ chef if I had the time. I could totally start my own projects, read this book I want to read, learn more about this thing I love, etc. I could totally do all of those things, only if I had the time…. Well, knock knock, look who has arrived! Time has! This is the perfect time for you to try out all of the things you could not when you were too busy stuck in your routine. Do them now! Try some coloring, painting, yoga, that recipe you saw online but were too intimidated to do, that choreography that looked cool but challenging, that 1000-piece puzzle someone gave you but you just stashed away for another day. The world is your oyster, so go ahead! Tip 7: Have fun    What better way to spend your time than catching up with the people you love and maybe haven't seen in a while!Meet up with your friends, text them often if they are far away, call them a few times. Do not think that you are wasting their time: if they are your friend when they want to hear how you are doing, how your health is doing, etc. Make sure you are being honest: as cliché as it sounds, sometimes its ok not be ok, and those moments of sadness and worry is exactly what talking to others is for. It is super important to understand that not everything has to be about feeling sorry for yourself for being sick. Not every single activity of your daily need to revolve around your current illness. You have to find ways to distract yourself from the situation you are experiencing right now, otherwise, you will, as we Spanish speakers say, drown yourself in a glass of water. Sometimes, your problems seem bigger than what they truly are, and it is in those times where fun and games should arrive to cheer you up. So enjoy your home: watch some Netflix, play video games, watch funny youtube videos, play some music and dance, etc. Tip 8: Take care of yourself Sadly, not everything is fun and games, and you must find the balance between responsibility and perfectly normal laziness. Take your medications, call the doctor if they are not working properly or have weird symptoms. If possible, keep a record of how you feel each day, what your symptoms are, go to your checkups, etc. Know when your body cannot go further, but also challenge yourself every so often. When you listen to your mind and soul carefully, you being to be more honest with yourself, about what you can and can't achieve at certain times. You will be surprised at how, in the most unexpected moments, you will be able to get out of bed with no back pain, you will be able to go down those stairs with no fear of falling, you will be able to not feel sick for a whole day, then days, then weeks, and so on. Always question yourself: do I avoid this because I might get hurt or do I push myself to try to overcome it? Am I ready yet, mentally and physically, to take that step forward? Tip 9: Have faith Whichever religion you practice, or whichever believes you have on the universe and our existence, faith is a universal entity that will be the one to keep you going even in the hardest of times. Take a moment to meditate, pray or just reflect on what you did and what you can do for yourself today. Those moments are just as important as any doctor's appointment or medicine. They bring you a sense of peace and love that no other thing can give you. Always be thankful for what you are and what you have. Be thankful for both the good times and the not so good ones. Not many people keep up with what you do, so be thankful that you have the strength and wits to make it happen. Tip 10: Prepare yourself for life after your recovery Staying healthy ain't easy after a recovery, especially when reality slaps you in the face when you get back to your routine. Before you even step out, make sure your environment is prepared to welcome you back. Call your teachers, boss, or college professors to let them know where you have been and why you could not come back sooner. They will surely understand and help you to readjust to your old working habits. Take the time to reflect on your goals and what you truly wish to achieve in life. Talking to others about said goals makes it more likely for them to become a reality! Have clear and genuine care for your well being. Being back to your old life doesn't mean that you will put your health to the side after all that work to get better! Do not be ashamed or afraid to speak about what you went through, how you are doing and how can others help you to get back out there. Take it easy! Not everything will be perfect at first, and that doesn't surprise me! There may be a few slips here and there, but going slow and steady will always make you win the race in the end. Believe in yourself: you have overcome so much! Keep going! I believe in you! Aaand that's all for today, folks! Next week, we will move on again to Wednesday's "What is…?" post, and another lifestyle post for Saturday/ Sunday. Sorry for being late this week! I had so many things going on with university, checkups, seeing my friends, etc. I hope you still enjoyed the post and hopefully, some of it will help you survive your next recovery break- if it were to happen, always be ready! Take care of yourself! Love you! Bye! 

[namjoonchronicles]

Love, Diligently - [BTS] Husband!Yoongi Au

[A/N] Moodswing can be tiring and is a given in all marriage. The ups and down of marriage can be emotionally taxing, but Yoongi is definitely a creature of intense and smouldering emotion...but can he handle them?

He took the keys. He took the keys you threw on the bed, and exited the room.

You hang your head down and, silently consoled yourself. Your lips quiver in a helpless attempt to calm yourself. "This mouth..."

Yoongi lunged through the hallway in haste steps, gripping the car keys tighter in one hand and he wore a frown on his face, unable to shake away the burning fire in his heart but thankfully, his brain took control. He stopped in front of the kitchen and hung the car key on the key holder there, chewing his lips. His severed skin around the thumb from anxiety he had been suffering, are finally healing after awhile. He ruffled his own hair and sat in the living room in his shorts and tees. He sat there in silence, elbows on knees, the blank TV screen reflecting himself. The wedding picture hanging on the wall was tilted a little to the right and Yoongi gave it a burning stare. An unforgiving death stare. He was hungry. But he wants to sit here and overthink stuff until he decides to do something with his body. He doesn't want to work, he's not happy enough to do that. He doesn't want to do the laundry, and the trash isn't full to throw. He lifts his butt from the sofa to travel down the guest's bathroom, and,

...cleaned.

Scrubbing the tiles, the sink, the mirror. He cleaned. Spraying everything with disinfectant, more scrubbing, cleaning the tub, the shower curtain, the window, the areas around the faucet's neck, rinse, and repeat. He took out all his frustrations to the scrubbing until his muscles felt the ache from the aggressive manoeuvre. This was a more promising workout than his $300 a month gym membership. Maybe you two should fight more.

"We've been through this many times..." Yoongi thought. We've been through this, many times. He chanted. How is this any different from the ones before?

Yoongi would fight the world for your hand. He is and has done it before. He would walk through storm and back, for you. If you call out for him, he will definitely run to you, no second thoughts. And he knows you'd do the same. During this straining moments, flashes of happy times would come through his mind. Drilling through, cascading in multiple screens in his mind where he lived life at the fullest. His salvation is the sound of your heartbeat in his ear. His manuscripts contains your name and his rendition of addictive love would be your lullabies.

Stay, his heart whispers. When his head is screaming, leave.

How can those whispers be louder than the screams? It was unfathomable. Maybe it was in the way you cradle his head in your hands when he is close to breaking apart--that makes it so hard to leave. Maybe it was in the way you stared into his orbs, with so much intensity and belief that everything would work out in the end. Maybe it was how you fueled his dreams and create a world only you two understood, and everything else cease to exist, disappear into thin air, the storms and hellfire around him dissipates when you're around. Maybe, just maybe.

He was foolish. But I'd walk through hellfire for that hands and those eyes, and hell, those beautiful soul.

Loving Yoongi is like tiptoeing on a thin sheath of ice. But it is also like walking in the garden in Spring, filled with blue hydrangea. It's like being in a small unsteady boat underneath a clear sky where the sun shines the brightest but the warmth comforts instead of burning your skin. It was through Yoongi, you understood what divine was and what it could bring. Nights of fathomless blackness seemed to console his soul and his mysterious allure gave you excitement. And when he revealed his selfless heart for you to see, you knew he was made for you. You have entrusted this man with your whole-being and the worst thing was, you didn't know how it happened. His fervour kisses, and the intensity in his gaze, the sweetness in his smile and the way his eyes crinkle, everything about Yoongi; was and is breathtaking. The way your hands fit in his like a lock and key, how he held so tight and yet so loose; Yoongi doesn't lie when he says he needs you. That twilight by the beach in the morning of a summer, when he wore that white shirt, and a Hawaiian flower casual over, black shorts and a straw hat in one hand, another was lacing fingers with yours; and how his bony feet left prints in the sand--you remembered the words he said, word by word.

The ocean washes the shore, as he led the way. You stopped in your step and he turns around to see you. "Why, what's wrong sweetie?"

"...I'm tired, I want to go home." Yoongi frowned at you. The naggings come before he could breathe a word. You wanted him to get angry at you, you want to push him over the edge, you want to push him away and see if he comes back. You want some kind of proof that he was the one. You will find his fault and you will press on until he breaks under pressure. But Yoongi halted and brushed your hair away, towering over you. "But we just got here," he smiled, kept his eyes contact short, and "...you said you wanted to walk along the coast. I know what I heard." He turns his back to you and knelt, he held his hand to you for you to take and carried you on his back to walk along the coast. With your face so close to his ear, you stared into his porcelain imperfect skin. The sound of the waves overpowered you, and you traced his features with your index finger, in silent awe. You ran them down his helixes, and his pierces. "Why did you take them off?" You whispered that he surprisingly heard.

Yoongi shot his eyes to the sand, your legs on each side of him as he coasted the shores with his bare feet, the seaside wind brushing his hair back once in awhile. His straw hat is on you right now. "It was starting to hurt, and I usually forgot to take them off before I sleep," you heard him say. He lied.

Moments like these you began to wonder, if it was all worth it.

Being with you, hurts him. He had to change his appearance, be silent most of the time when he could be loud, rendered his beliefs so he could fit into your families' expectation. This was why you deemed it was unnecessary for him to come home to his in-laws. You haven't told them that you married someone. Their words are ruthless, and insensitive. They didn't want him here, they made it clear. With their body language and their eyes. Welcoming with their mouth, but didn't share the warmthness Yoongi deserved. In the kitchen alone, while you watch your mother wash the dishes, you heard her say to you, "...he has piercings. That's why I don't like him. He talks about dreams, music and possibilities. He doesn't even have a real job..." With each words she chose, a dagger strike through your heart. How can someone you lived with for so long, felt like a stranger? 

"Musicians make money too, mom."

"Tell me the truth, darling. Have you been spending money on him?" She wipes her hand. "Mom, I'm not stupid..." You darted in hushes, after scanning the whole room to make sure Yoongi isn't there. "I'm just asking," she stresses, "There's no need for you to be so worked up by it. I'm just curious, because he doesn't look like he has...a lot." You bit your tongue and shot your glances elsewhere. "Let's be honest, he's just a fling, isn't he? Does he has tattoo, is it nice?"

And then you disappeared to the living room and grabbed your handbag to take out a file.

"I didn't mean to reveal it this way, it was suppose to be tomorrow during the family dinner, but you're making it hard for me to stay civilized," you revealed a degree certification on the dinner table. The degree you've been wanting to do. "Wow...when?" Mom puts away the table cloth and took a closer look. "He's not a fling, he doesn't have a tattoo and I'm marrying him. I've married him. He paid my tuition fees. With his 'non-existent' money. The tuition fees our family can't afford and has been with me through thick and thin..." you exhaled sharp. "Now wait a minute, young lady, are you throwing your family away for this boy?" Mom raised her voice a little.

"If they prove to be otherwise, I don't see why not..." You shot. 

And earned a slap across your cheek.

The stinging was still there and you hung your head low before pushing your hair back to scoff and smile.

"All these years of raising me, you have no idea that I self-harm, had suicidal thoughts and told me to 'suck it up' because 'it's all in my head'. Push me, push me further over the edge, making me question my worth, telling me that no one cares about me but my family, I remember every single thing you did to me, mom," you grinded your jaws.

Every slap, every yank, every push. Everything.

"You push my face into a bowl of rice when I was 8 because I said I was hungry when you're meeting your friends. You locked me in my room, I have scratch marks on the door, that's why we moved, remember? And you push me down the floor, for asking about my dad, that's why I have this scar under my chin. And we moved again. Remember that mom? How you blame me over everything, did you ever think that I didn't ask to be born?!" You readied your face for another blow but before her palm could reach you, Yoongi stepped in between and held her wrist from you.

You ran upstairs before your tears could fall.

Yoongi stared into her iris, and breathed, "Please forgive her. She's a good daughter. She holds grudges, but she's a good daughter." Yoongi begged in your place, he set his knees to touch the floor and he begged. "You don't have to hit her anymore, I'm here in her place," he said, and lowered his head. Your mother leaned her back to the counter and cried. "...I was trying to be a good wife for a horrible husband that I forgot that I am also a mother..." She sobbed.

Upstairs.

Brushing your teeth, you sniffed. Your eyes are red and half of your face were swollen. Even though the things that she did were many years ago, the incidents are still vivid in your mind. The memories replays precisely where it happen, how she looked like. Because no one really forget pain. You always sleep with your fist clenched tight, and on your side, holding on to whatever invincible strength there is. The only person who was supposed to protect you, is making you run away from them.

So all you ever had was yourself.

"It's useless, holding on to these memories," you'd scold yourself, "...but pretending that it didn't happen, will not change the fact that it did. Someone out there must hear my stories. It didn't matter who, or when, someone must know that I went through this."

You heard the knob twisted open and then closed, gently. Yoongi's footstep circled the bed and to the bathroom door, opposed to the wall you're facing. He set his foot into the bathroom and shut the door. And in there, he stared into his own reflection. His double-helix, his multiple piercings he got when he was younger, and slowly, he lifted his hand and unfastened the earrings. Some of them clink against the counter when they fell out of his hand. He quickly presses his palm over them so it will stop making noises.

You watched his shadow from the door gaps and let nothingness consume you. Your mind is blank, you felt no remorse, no hurt, no happiness--nothing.

And true what they say: People who don't feel pain anymore, are the most damaged. 

Yoongi opened the door to your glassy eyes, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed, right in front of the bathroom door. The rest of the room is dark, only the light from the bathroom came through. You were hugging your knees and looked up at Yoongi. His face darkened by the shadow of light behind his head that it looked like halo. You struggled to swallow your spit, looking intently at him with a gaze that he understood as a cry for help from the way his soul whispered. "Yoongi," his name spill out like a prayer through your tantalizing petal of lips, taking in shaky breaths and out in a tiny squeak, 

"...I can't feel anything." 

And you fell into the paroxysm of grief and despair, submerging beneath the surface of the water, drowning. Yoongi drop to his knees and collected your shoulders into his powerful healing embrace. And it was as if he was the arm that came out from above to rescue you. The way the fingers spread far and wide, trying to reach you, as you fell further and further deeper into the sea.

Just when your feet touches the seabed, Yoongi grabs you.

When he held you tight, you couldn't breathe, you felt every bone constrict, every fibre in your body screaming out for him, your arms were limp on each side, your gaze are empty, darting straight to the wall's skirtings. The wind blew softly sending the curtain to sway helplessly. Your shoulders are burdened by the weights and expectations of having to be strong when she couldn't. With every cuts and bruises, you hardened up. Outweighing years of sorrow and bitterness have shed you of all the emotions you should feel. And all that's left was numbness beneath the pretense of an exterior you claimed to be, the inaccessible heart that concealed a divinity no human could have possessed. Yoongi penetrated beneath the surface to the core, from the familiarity of the path of your heartlines.

When the heart beats the same way, they'll find their way through and that was something that your parents couldn't understand.

How can they understand something they never had?

Yoongi didn't let you go for the whole night. People of the night like you two, finds sleep was unimportant. You both yearned for the moonlight, star-studded night skies,  and Yoongi led you out the front door when the rest of the house was asleep.

He took you to the beach where peace brooded over your entire being and the sound of the sea filled your head instead of the misery your family had brought upon you and for that, you were thankful. Perpetual gloom and seclusion of life begins to wane away with every step you take away from the house. "This is why isn't it?" He suddenly say, breaking the silence with lingering hold on your fingers. You looked at the never-ending shore before you, waiting for him to explain what he meant. "...This is why you told me to leave you," he glances at you and then the shores. You squinted your eyes, your hair flew at every strike of soft, subtle wind, as if to console.

"You'd think any sane guy would marry me knowing I have such an incomprehensible family?" You chuckled dryly. "You think I'm sane?" He challenged you.

You threw him a wondering glance before a smile crept up your lips and you shot your head away, perplexed at his smart mouth. He bit his lips and stared down at your reaction, he stops in his lunge of steps and waited for you to turn. He cups your face, linking your forehead to his, whispering, "I'd die for you..." ghosting your lips with his own, he clenches his eyes shut, "...today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and the years after that, even when you don't want me, anymore," he locked his jaws together, holding himself back from a kiss he wanted so much, "...I love you, and I will always protect you." You tipped his chin up, a smile disappears from your lips and kneaded your petals on him so he could be saved. When Yoongi promised, Yoongi delivered. The power to assuage the thirst of his soul has always been in your delicate hands. In a split second, you are no longer quivering in a restrained grief. And he walked with you, to the ends of the shore, like you said you wanted to. Until your thought changes and said,

"I'm tired, I want to go home." You want some kind of proof that he was the one. You will find his fault and you will press on until he breaks under pressure. In Yoongi's mind, your words from years back tangled in his wires, "...my mood swings. They're relentless to everyone around me. They all left because of it. I would leave me." But I won’t do that to you.

Fast forward to the night at the beach. To which he responded eloquently, "But we just got here," he smiled, kept his eyes contact short, and "...you said you wanted to walk along the coast. I know what I heard." He turns his back to you and knelt.

"Why did you take them off?" "It was starting to hurt, and I usually forgot to take them off before I sleep." "Don't lie to me." You overheard what my mother said, didn't you, Yoongi?

Yoongi opened the guest's bathroom after cleaning, and saw you standing in front of it. You buried your face in his chest and hung your arms low on his waist. "I'm sweaty right now..." he wriggled out of your arms but you refused to let go so he gives up, "You feel better now?"

"I thought you left me." You nuzzled your face in his chest and looked up with doe eyes. "I thought about it, seriously considering it, thought I should clean the bathroom first," he slurred the words out, mumbling with his eyes shooting everywhere but on you. "And then I thought who's gonna change your light bulb and unclog the toilet? Or bring the car to the mechanic? Or help you carry groceries? Or cook for you because you're lazy and won't do that and rather starve than having to grab a meal?" He nagged. "...How many times do I have to tell you that the white belongs to the blue basket and the coloured are in the white basket? And why are there socks in the winter glove area?" He complaint. You gave him a cross-eye and stuck out your tongue at him. "Are you serious right now? I am being serious right now, I'm not playing your little games," he stared at you and you ran off like a child. And Yoongi's heart whispered, "...Every little thing about you is gold. Is gold."

Someone whom he shared his heart beats with. Someone he could fool around with, be foolish, be a child. How you both shared the shower head and you'd spray his face with water, laughing because of how he surrenders to every little thing you do. "You look like a fish right now..." You giggled. "Well, you look like a crab." He passed.

With Yoongi, it felt like he understood everything. 

With Yoongi, crying comes naturally. 

With Yoongi, complaining is easy because it felt like he knew what the situation was like even when he wasn't there to witness it all.

Even when you were struggling to get the words out when you were sobbing, wiping the tears with the back of your hands, sitting there on the floor next to the bed, knees touching your chest, your hair in a mess, and your eyes glassy, pointed against the dry wall--even then; Yoongi understood. You poured your heart out, shattered in pieces, laid out on the concrete floor for him to see, and it's like he existed for that task. When the tears overflowed, Yoongi would place himself next to you, put his arm around your  frame, and link his forehead to your temple, and cried with you. "I just felt that the world was being unfair on me, Yoongi... Will things change if I become something I'm not? What if I become mean, will things change? Because I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of having this heart...I'm sick of everything."

Family is an important element to you and it was the same thing for him. You feel him squeezing you, planting a soft but firm kiss on your hair and placed your head under his chin. He tipped his eyes up at the ceiling, bit his lips, the tears fell on each side that he wiped away before you could notice. He hasn't spoken a word for someone who had his own take about everything in the universe. And for that you were thankful. He circled his arms around your neck now until you stopped sobbing, pull you closer than you already are and stayed in complete silence.

"We're one messed up couple aren't we?" Yoongi sighed. "A good kind of messed up...it's like we spoke the same language and go through the same thing despite being raised in different location," Yoongi's voice was in soft whisper, fitting the pitch darkness that consumed the room. Through days that are brief and shadowed, Yoongi was at every start and every end. The first thing you see and the last one you saw. 

You've woken up to him watching you sleep more than once, with that strange look in his face.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" "...just."

How he pulls you closer in the middle of the night so you feel his heartbeat against the skin underneath your shoulder blade. How his soft and shallow breathing became your favourite thing to listen to. Yoongi took care of you better than he takes care of himself. Leave you little notes when he's gone, precisely telling you when he'll come home. Then he would surprise you by coming home earlier than expected, in apron, cooking in the kitchen when you returned from work. Sandalwood candle lit nearby to set the mood, with some classical piano music in the background. You walked in with wide smile, as he fetched your work bag with a chuckle kiss on the cheek while you take off your socks looking at the dining area lit with a warm lightings. "What's all these Yoongi? You said you're coming home tomorrow..." You smiled widely at him and cupped his face, pulling him down for a proper kiss on the lips. "Go shower, and have dinner with me..." He turned you around and slap your butt to get you going already. Another stalling will cost him, his precious time. He is a little impatient.

"Hurry..." he sang and he heard you say, "Okay, okay...chill, my dude."

Did she just call me, dude. He shook his head and proceed to chop mushrooms.

"I should have lit the candle after I do the cooking..." He thought and tilt his head to one side. He heard the bathroom door open and closed, and then smiled to himself. You came out with a pink pyjama with Sailormoon's print. Hair tied in a high bun and glasses sliding down the tip of your nose, waddling down the hallway and Yoongi had never seen a cuter sight in his life except that one time he caught you dancing while putting on your toner.

He reacted the same way he did now--he melted into a puddle of nonsense. The best thing was, when you got caught, instead of squealing and hiding behind the closest curtain like you did in the first two years of marriage, you turned to him and sing to him with your fist-microphone, and made him twirl in a dance, belting Leona Lewis's 'I Got You.' What five years of marriage does to a person: character development.

"...go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright...go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright." You feigned a sad-funny face while he grins ear to ear at your silliness. "Have you been getting vocal lessons with Jungkook?" He asked, pursing his lips, twirling because you motioned your hands above him, and began dancing out of context as you shook your head and kept singing. "...Why do you always sing this song when I caught you?" He held your waist, "Because. You can break my heart and I will hate you to guts and still run to you if you need my help. For better for worse, I got you." Yoongi scoffed at your answer.

But yes, Yoongi had never seen a cuter sight in awhile.

Yoongi kept his lingering eyes on you and when you realised that, you jutted your chin out, "What." He just smiles. He wipes his hand with a kitchen cloth and sat down at the same time you did. "...how is it?" He asked, anticipation builds as you took the first bite of the meal he prepared. His eyes twinkles at you and you clenched your eyes shut, threw your head back, placed your hand on his thigh, grip them hard with your nails briefly before you lay your head on his shoulder and he understood what you meant with that satisfied muffled moan as you relished your taste. "Don't overreact," he placed the fish meat into your plate and earned an electric gaze from you. Yoongi avoided eye contact, "...you have to eat fish. The last time you ate fish was last year, I picked the bones out for you...see," he showed you with his chopstick, "Say ah." You pouted, and he impatiently shot, "...hurry. My arms hurt, come on." You had no choice but to oblige. Munching, you asked him about his work and he blew a spoonful of soup before turning them to you for you to take.

"Nothing to worry about," he said while he watch you chew with your mouth full. You push your glasses up. "Are you going to work with female artists again?" You shot out of a sudden and he darted, "...yes." To which you choke on.

Yoongi kept a straight face when he poured out a drink for you, I knew this was going to happen. "...not in the near future, but it's in the plans," Yoongi avoided your eyes. "Ha." You threw a mocking scoff at him, digging your tongue against your cheek, staring down on him.

He busied himself by refilling your glass of water and took a sip as well, clearing his throat. "...It's work, I can't do anything about it," he shrugged and dropped his gaze to his bowl of rice and fetching himself an egg roll and fried tofu, still hanging his head, low. "You can say no..." you lift one shoulder, shaking your head a little, still looking at him with judging eyes, chewing. "Is it her?" You asked accusatively.

Yoongi didn't answer. "So it is her..." You concluded on your own. And then it was silence for the longest two minutes of his life. "I hope you win another award..." You spoke to your spoonful of rice, and swallow half of the spoon just to show your anger before sliding them back out again.

Yoongi is now deathly silent. But he hooked his feet around one peg of your stool and pulled you close. "I cooked for you, waited for you, and this is how you repay me? This is my home, you're the one I come home to and still, she's your concern?" He lowered his voice and you slipped your glasses up again as he tipped his eyes up at you, running his tongue along his top lip. His stare burning into you, and you murmured, "Of course she's my concern."

"She's a friend and a co-worker." "That's how we started out as. Friends." . . . Yoongi nodded a bit and you felt obliged to lay your next card and, "Fine. Who am I to say anything about your work. You promised to never let things go behind me, but it happened again, I mean...what's new. You do whatever you want." You cocked an eyebrow at your eggroll and shove them into your mouth. You both emptied your plates in painstaking silence and you did the dishes because you were grateful for Yoongi cooking it all. Instead of leaving you to your task, Yoongi leaned his back on the counter, palms rested on the marble finish, next to his hip, staring at the back of your head. "What's the real problem here, honestly."

"The problem is, you decided to work with female artists and failing to tell me about it, again..." "No, that's not the problem. You told me you understood the situation. This is something else entirely. What are you not telling me?"

Last plate to rinse and set on the dish rack. You turn around to see Yoongi, still in that same position, and this time he whispered at you, "What is it?"

You shrugged, and thinned your lips at him, fixing your glasses. Your hair bopping with each movement you make. Yoongi said, "Come here." To which you responded with a small stride, closing the distance between you and him.

"Who's wife are you?" "Min Yoongi's." "Who am I?" "Min Yoongi."

Yoongi looked intently into your eyes, "I'm still here. All those shit we went through? I'm still here. I still love you. I'm still with you. Min Yoongi is going nowhere but here."

----

Turbulence, chaos and storms--loving someone is to have all the reasons to leave, but holding onto one, to stay. "I gave you a chance because I thought you'd be different!" Yoongi felt chills travel down his spine and he shuddered when he heard you say those words. How could you? What else was not enough? Where is he missing the point? We are no longer in the position to have this conversation. It's all or nothing for Yoongi. 

"Just leave me Yoongi. Just go!" You cried and threw the keys on the bed and he took it, and exited the room.

It began with the exchanges of texts Yoongi had in his phone and he overruled your accusations by laying out his arguments that you were not as faithful as he thought you were too. And it just went back and forth, about the thing that you do and he did too, and it got to a point where you felt obliged to say that you are disappointed. And it didn't take long for you two to realise that you were having this fight because you two were insecure about your placements in each other's life. It wouldn't have been a huge debate if this relationship wasn't important to you. So you stood by the guest's bathroom door and waited for him to finish venting out his frustrations with the things you say by cleaning. Because honestly, no one else is going to love you like Yoongi does.

"Why did you take them off?" "It was starting to hurt, and I usually forgot to take them off before I sleep." "Don't lie to me." You overheard what my mother said, didn't you, Yoongi?

I did. But it was a small sacrifice compared to what you have to go through without me.

And when you're in bed, he made sure to kiss every inch of you. "Why are you kissing me so much..." you giggled. "To make up for all the time I was away from you, every cuts and bruises that wounded you. In hopes that through these love-making sessions, it will begin to properly heal." Maybe from this moment onwards, you can begin to breathe. 

You met Yoongi, and everything felt like it’s going to be okay. Because he loves, diligently.

[familyassembled]

Getting To Know You

The occupants of the tower negotiate a new chapter of their lives.

various characters and relationships

“Okay, Pepper, honey, you’re upset, I can see that--”

“Oh, can you?  Can you see that Tony?”

“Yes, I mean, I said I could, so--”

“I was gone for a week, Tony!”

“Well, nine days, but--you’re right, I’m sorry, that’s splitting hairs--”

Peggy fought a smile, glancing at Steve as he shook his head.  There were times it particularly struck her how much Tony was like his father.

“Have you met Pepper?” she asked him.

“Before she came home to find out Tony had acquired six roommates?  No.”

“1946?? Oh my god--this is not my life, my life used to be normal--”

“To be fair, that hasn’t really been true for at least ten years.”

“I should have stayed at Tiffany’s.”

“You can buy Tiffany’s.”

“I could also buy a loft.  By myself.”

“It...might be time to look into other living situations.”

“Hmm, maybe,” Steve said, looking toward the hall Tony and Pepper had disappeared down.  “I mean, I actually have an apartment but...it’s not exactly much to look at.  I’m pretty sure I’m past due on the rent too, come to think of it.”

“So,” Tony said, coming into the living area again. “Everything is fine.  I’m going to order Chinese and Pepper here is going to have a glass of wine--”

“Glass, bottle, I’m thinking something vintage...” the tall redhead said, trailing after him into the room.

“Of course you are.”

“Miss Potts, if you’d prefer, I’m sure we could find other arrangements--”

“No, Peggy, it’s fine, I was just...surprised.”

Peggy exchanged a look with Steve as Pepper moved past them toward the wine rack.

“Really, it’s fine--”

“Tony promised to let me take a vacation with his credit card if he blew up anything,” Pepper cut in, not looking up from the wine bottle she was examining.  “I’m thinking we’ll have a nice Christmas together.”

Peggy fought a smile as she glanced back at Tony, who looked away as he pulled out his phone.

“Did you know, Pepper, that I once slugged Tony’s father?” she asked, turning back to Pepper.

“Just once?” Pepper asked, and they smiled at each other. “I like you.  You can share my wine.”

“We really need to work on how you make friends, Agent Carter,” Steve said, and Peggy kissed his cheek before following Pepper into the kitchen.

***

Peggy wasn’t entirely sure what woke her up.  Maybe it was Steve burrowing close, or maybe she was still getting used to the new place, or maybe just a strange sense of something wrong.  But one of the first things she noticed, blinking against the lingering shroud of sleepiness, was that Steve was shivering.

She turned with some difficulty, his arms tight around her as they were.  His eyes were still closed, but as he took a deep breath, his teeth chattered.  She frowned in concern, holding a hand up to his cheek--he was warm, but not really more so than usual, with the way he ran hot after the serum.  So, not a fever.  Still, he curled into her like he was trying to siphon off her warmth in his sleep.

“Steve?” she whispered, stroking his cheek gently, and he groaned, another violent shudder running through him before his eyes fluttered open.  “Are you alright, darling?”

He closed his eyes again for a second, then twisted and reached for the heavy jumper hanging from a post on headboard, sitting up to tug it on before snuggling down again.  He pulled the covers up around them, holding her against his chest.

“You’re not too warm are you?” he murmured, pressing his lips to her head.

“No.  Not yet, at any rate,” she told him, brow still furrowed in concern.  After all, he’d been the one able to weather Russian winters with little more than a leather jacket over his uniform and a fire in front of him on the coldest nights.  “Steve--”

“I just...have trouble getting warm sometimes,” he whispered.  “I guess seventy years in the ice had to leave some effect.  Pretty sure it’s in my head, but--”

“Well,” she said, leaning up to kiss his cheek when he trailed off with an air of embarrassment.  “I think that means it’s high time you started getting some return on all those nights you kept me warm on watch, don’t you?”

She wrapped her arms around him and wound one leg around his, and after a moment, the shivers stopped.  She felt his lips on her hair again a moment before his breathing became slow and even once more, and she squeezed a little.  She’d probably wake up needing a cold shower, between his heat and the heavy covers and the early June temperature, but she decided it was a fair trade off.

He’d been cold long enough.

***

“Alright, here’s the deal,” Natasha said without preamble, walking into the kitchen with Pepper.  “We’re stealing your girl for the day Rogers, and this Stark Industries no limit credit card says you won’t argue with me.”

Peggy blinked, and Steve opened his mouth, then closed it again and shook his head.  Pepper rolled her eyes, plucking the card out of Natasha’s hand and stepping in front of her.

“I told you I should’ve handled this,” she said, shaking her head.  “Peggy, we’re taking you out shopping.  You need new clothes from this decade, ones that you aren’t stealing from Steve and actually fit.”

“Not that I mind you taking my t-shirts,” Steve added, slipping his arms around Peggy’s waist.  “You look great in them.”

“That’s your ego talking, Rogers,” Natasha said, and this time, Pepper nodded.

“Peggy needs actual clothes of her own,” she said, then turned to Peggy.  “So, you in? Figured we could make a day of it, shopping, manicures, hair salon, the works.  I could use a girl’s day out.”

Peggy eyed the two women; she’d never got on particularly well with women on the whole.  It wasn’t really a disliking factor, it was just wildly different interests and occupations.  However, Natasha had already proven to be more her ilk--she quite liked the spy who seemed to have adopted Steve like a lost puppy--and she couldn’t help thinking that anyone who could manage to run a Fortune 500 company and wrangle a Stark into something resembling good behavior was someone Peggy could respect.

Also, she really did desperately need more clothes.  The Doctor had been kind enough to let her take a few things from the TARDIS, but her wardrobe was still incredibly limited, and clearly dated to a large degree.

“Go,” Steve said, kissing her hair and taking her coffee cup.  “I’ll clean up breakfast.  Enjoy yourself.”

Peggy nodded, already moving away from him. “I’ll just go change.”

It was hours later when Steve’s reading was interrupted by Pepper and Natasha plopping down on either side of him, Pepper giggling in a way that hinted at a lot of champagne over the course of the day.   He frowned when Natasha grabbed his book and snapped it shut.

“I was reading that.”

“Calm down, bookworm,” she said, petting his shoulder in a way that hinted that she had also taken part in the champagne.  “We’re about to be your new best friends.”

“What?  Why?”

The why became incredibly clear when he looked up to see Peggy enter the room.  His jaw fell open a little when he took in the hair, cut and styled so it once again matched the photo in his compass, and he sat up a little straighter when he noticed the clothes.  The forties style fit her figure well--obscenely so, he’d had plenty of experience trying to not look at her hips and remind himself to breathe--but this was...nice.  Fitted black trousers, high black heels, black vest over a white button up, sleeves rolled and the top buttons popped.  She bit her lip, giving him an uncertain little smile as she spun on her toes.

“What do you think?”

Steve continued to stare for a second, trying to form words and failing.  “Uh. I...think...I have two new best friends.”

He stood, stepping closer and slipping his hands over her waist.  His thumbs brushed over her ribs, hidden underneath the layers of cloth, while she raised her arms to loop them loosely around his neck.

“You like it?”

“I love it.  Do you like it?”

“Strangely, yes,” she said, tilting her head and raising her eyes thoughtfully.  “There’s several interesting developments in fashion, Steve--I’ve never known denim to be quite so ubiquitous.  And the undergarments--my god, this decade understands female comfort so well, not to mention the interesting fabrics and patterns--”

His eyes grew hooded as several...fascinating visions danced through his mind’s eye.

“I could show you those, too,” she said, giving him a sexy smile that would have had him growling if they didn’t have company. Instead, he took her hand, pulling her out into the hall, intent on a very different fashion show that ended up with some very pretty clothes brightening up his otherwise boring floor.

“You’re welcome, Cap!”

***

It was a long time coming.

It took half an hour to finish her hair, sitting at the makeshift vanity in her room and brushing the curls softly against her palm. In this new day and age Peggy had any number of hot tools that she might’ve used to speed the process along, but there was something in the ritual of getting ready - unpinning her hair, letting it fall and then shaping it into place - that was as much a part of the date as the date itself. 

The dress she chose was a deep burgundy, with lips and nails to match, and the outfit finished off with a fine string of pearls and heels just tall enough to keep her from seeming Lilliputian next to her towering date. There was also new pair of nylon stockings--real ones, with proper seams--that had taken some real searching to find, and something lacy underneath that she’d only recently discovered was Steve’s particular weakness.

None of this was strictly necessary, as she’d been constantly reassured by her very modern friends--she didn’t have to put in so much effort, and wasn’t it exhausting?  Yes, she and Steve weren’t going to any particular lengths to keep themselves from one another, not anymore, not after the war and their separation made short work of getting familiar. They were familiar now in more ways than she’d ever dreamed, but that was part of why it was so endearing that he’d shooed her off to the room she never used and told her he’d pick her up at six o'clock sharp for dinner and a picture. 

At six o’clock, she was not disappointed. 

“Captain, you are...impeccably on time,” she said with a laugh, opening the door at the knock - but the old joke didn’t seem to register. Instead, Steve’s mouth hung open for a moment when he saw her, before he snapped it shut with effort. 

“You’re beautiful,” he said, seeming to forget himself as he fumbled with something in his hand. “Um, sorry, hi.” 

“Hello,” she said with a smile - a smile that widened when Steve reached over to pin a small flower to her collar. He stole a kiss when he was finished - a kiss that might have gotten out of hand, if he hadn’t leaned back and cleared his throat. 

“We’d better go,” he said, offering her his arm. “Or, uh,” his eyes drifted back through the door of her bedroom, to the empty bed beyond.

“Yes, I think we’d better had,” she said, looping her arm through the crook of his elbow and giving him a meaningful crook of the eyebrow. “Lest your natural instincts kick in and we’re late after all.”

“No, no, we’re going out,” he said firmly, with such conviction that Peggy had to giggle.

Peggy laughed, and picked up her purse from the hook on the wall before she shut the door behind them. 

Oh, but did she ever enjoy watching the tips of his ears turn pink. 

Dinner was lovely. Peggy managed to draw two new shades of pink out of Steve, and one particularly delicious smoulder as her hand found his knee under the table. They ate pizza--which she was learning was a ubiquitous food in the modern era, but also rapidly becoming one of her favorites--in a dimly lit shop near the cinema, Peggy sneaking an extra slice of pepperoni while Steve regaled her with things he’d like to show her.

“Have you even seen what a grocery store looks like, now? They’re huge and they have everything. Oh, and Disney World, Peggy! You oughta see what Walt Disney did with himself, there’s a whole theme park in Florida. Someday I’m gonna take you.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t been already,” she said. “It seems like the sort of thing you’d love.” 

Steve paused, shrugging and taking a swig of his beer “Didn’t really wanna go alone.”

Oh, darling. 

The cinema, it seemed, was a more casual affair than it had been just...well, just last month, by Peggy’s recollection, but then again everything was a more casual affair. Still, old-fashioned though it might have been, their way of doing things did have its perks. Steve looked very fit in his suit, and as he leaned his arm across the back of her seat she caught the scent of his cologne - something heavenly that he must’ve kept for special occasions, because it was certainly new to her. Her reasons for snuggling in were purely mercenary--during the war she’d never gotten this close to him unless it was cold and miserable, and though she’d had plenty of opportunity since, Peggy had every intention to make it an utterly ordinary occurrence. 

They were seeing a children’s movie, something about a Scottish girl with very large hair and a bow and arrow, but Peggy hadn’t been paying enough attention to remember the name, too occupied with the fit of Steve’s suit to care. Animation had apparently come a long, long way in sixty-five years, but the real show was in watching Steve’s face as he watched it.

He shook his head in disbelief, leaning over to whisper in her ear. “Can you believe this? Tony said it’s all done with a computer.” 

She was regaled with several different things that Tony had said, but hardly heard any of them. There was the long column of his throat to admire, and the way his fingers traced absent patterns on her arm, and an experiment to be conducted on whether or not he would shiver when she laid her hand on his thigh. There was a moment where she was briefly distracted by the movie--“I’ll be shootin’ for my OWN hand!”, bravo--but after an hour had passed the temptation was just too great. Biting her lip, Peggy leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his neck.

“Peg--” he shivered, and shifted in his seat, his hand coming up to tangle in her hair. 

“Captain Rogers, I am busy.” 

“But, but we’re in--”

Peggy leaned up, cocking an eyebrow. “Surely you know how necking in a theater works.” 

Peggy grinned at his shy smile and nod, and then returned to her good work. She’d spent more than enough time daydreaming about leaving lipstick on his collar, and she had a lot of catching up to do. 

A long time coming, indeed. 

***

“Alright, you, White Stripes, heads up,” Tony said, to absolutely no effect.  He rolled his eyes, nudging Peggy.  “That’s you and Jarvis.”

“Is it?” Peggy asked, glancing down at herself, then at Jarvis.  “I don’t understand, neither of us are wearing stripes, white or otherwise.”

“It’s--nevermind, look, I’ve got something for you,” he said, handing over a cell phone for each of them.

“Will it...explode?” Jarvis asked, looking up from his newspaper and taking the device gingerly.

“What?  Why would--nevermind,” Tony said, remembering who his father was.  “No.  At least, not if you don’t want it to.  They’re phones.”

“How...compact,” Peggy said, turning the device over in her hands.  “It would appear you’ve forgotten the dial, however.”

“Uh, no, it’s--here--”

He pressed the button to wake up the screen, then swiped at it to unlock the phone.  Peggy blinked, staring down at it.  Jarvis watched closely, then repeated the actions on his own device, his eyebrows shooting up as the screen came up.

“I’ve already put all of us in as contacts, so if you need anything--”

“We won’t have to grow hoarse shouting down the hall?” Peggy suggested, then shook her head.  “Honestly, all this technology now, it’s as if your father put something in the water.”

“Only if he started in Silicon Valley,” Tony said, still toying with Peggy’s phone while Jarvis swiped at his phone with narrowed eyes.

“A valley made of silicon?” Peggy asked.  “That seems very Howard.”

“No, it’s--nevermind.  You can text people too, it’s like...telegrams, but faster. Here, look.”

He leaned over, typing out a message to Steve--Hey hot stuff, when will I get my hands on that patriotic ass?--as he leaned over to show her.

“Then you just press send, and if you press this, you can see any conversations you have going with anyone else.  You can send pictures too--Oh, I can get you a...selfie...stick…”

He slowed to a stop when she got a new text:

Your room or mine?  I’ve got a few more patriotic parts that wouldn’t mind being explored.

Tony stared at it a second, trying to decide whether it was more disturbing that the text he’d sent was believably Peggy, or that Steve “Yes, my moral compass is stuck at due north” Rogers had replied the way he did.  Both, probably.

“Gross,” he said finally, handing her the phone.  He shuddered when she licked her lips and smiled, turning away.  “Since Cap has apparently mastered the cell phone, you can get the rest of the tutorial from him.  Just...make sure you wash your hands first.”

***

Edwin looked up when Peggy entered the lounge area, looking a little lost.  She didn’t see him at first, just looked around with a faint sigh, hands on her hips. She rolled her eyes with a self-deprecating expression when she did catch sight of him.

“For a place with so many people, it’s astonishing that there would ever be a moment alone,” she said.  “Where on earth is everyone?”

“Well,” he said, pulling his telephone out of his pocket and pulling up the calendar.  Handy devices, these new phones.  “Agents Romanoff and Barton are in Sudan, Mister Stark is currently at a conference in Ontario while Miss Potts is attending a meeting in London.  I’m not entirely certain what’s become of Doctor Banner, but he’ll likely turn up here or on the news in short order.  And, as I’m sure you’re aware, Captain Rogers has left on a rather severely classified mission in India.”

Peggy blinked, staring at him.  “How on earth do you keep track of all that?”

He held up the phone in answer, and she nodded, glancing around again as she hooked a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Miss Carter, are you alright?” he asked after a moment, frowning at her obvious unease.

She shrugged, looking down at her hand as she picked at a fingernail.  “It’s silly, really.”

He continued to watch her until she looked up, and she let out an exasperated sound as she ran a hand through her hair.  “He left in a plane.  Which is completely understandable, because he had a mission halfway around the world, but it’s the first time he’s left since we got here, and in 1945--”

“--that was the last time you saw him,” he realized, then sighed.  “Oh, Miss Carter…”

“Honestly, it’s maddening,” she said, letting out a laugh even as her eyes grew bright.  “I’ve become one of those women I always hated in stories, getting all weepy and mooning about whenever their love so much as left the room.”

“I hardly think the situation is comparable,” he replied softly, and she sniffed, blinking away tears and licking her lips before returning her eyes to his.

“That was the first time I kissed him, you know,” she told him, and he tilted his head in curiosity.  “Before that...blasted plane.  Right in front of Colonel Phillips, too.  I don’t know what came over me, we’d been so careful up until then.”

“I doubt Captain Rogers minded,” he said, arching a brow, and she let out another laugh, one that sounded a little more like herself. “I think there’s an inverse relationship between propriety and wartime, in any case.  There’s far too many moments pressed thin by the weight of last chances to consider ramifications.”

“Perhaps,” she admitted, wrapping her arms around herself as she looked around again.

“I first kissed Anna because she threatened to never speak to me again if I didn’t,” he blurted.  He still had...difficulty talking about her, but this was Miss Carter, and he could think of nothing else to comfort her.

She blinked at him, seeming to confused to remember for a moment that she was sad or worried.  “I beg your pardon?”

“It was after I took her to dinner...that she asked me to.”

“She asked you to dinner?” Peggy asked, a small smile forming on her lips.

“Yes, I’m afraid I made something of a mess of that,” he said, burying his hands in his pockets.  “That, and several articles of clothing.  It may shock you to learn, Miss Carter, that I have not always been the charismatic, charming, debonair Don Juan that stands before you now.”

“Astounding,” she replied.  The faint smile melted after a moment, and she looked for a second more vulnerable than he could immediately recall seeing before, except perhaps in cases involving the vial.  “Were you frightened?  When you went back to England and she was still in Hungary?”

“Terrified,” he answered, without hesitation, and she nodded before looking down.  She looked up after a moment, glancing around as she took a deep breath.

“Well, Mister Jarvis,” she said finally.  “Since it would seem we have the place to ourselves for the time being, how would you like to join me in reviewing some of the cinema we missed?”

Given that his other choices for diversions were cleaning everything--again--or writing another letter to a dead woman to torture himself, an afternoon with only Miss Carter and no expectations suddenly sounded...relieving.

“Miss Carter, I can think of no better way to pass the time,” he told her honestly, finding his own lips twitching in response to her brilliant grin.

***

“Psst, Tasha!”

Nat looked up from her book, glancing around the empty room before twisting around on the sofa to look back at the door.

“You know there’s no one here, right?” she asked Clint. “You don’t have to whisper.”

“I’m trying to get in the spirit of the thing,” he told her.  “Come on, I have something to show you.”

“What is it?” she asked suspiciously, even as she set down her book and got to her feet.

“It’s a secret,” he said, putting a finger to his lips. It never stopped being surreal to be told by a deaf man to be quiet, but she just shrugged and followed.  She’d known him entirely too long to still keep a running catalogue of everything weird about him.

He led her down the hall to what looked like a high school AV room from 1983, which should have been weird given the other insane tech in the tower, but this was Tony Stark so of course this existed too.  He sat her down in front of a screen, standing behind her to start an old reel to reel machine.

“I swear to god, if this is Space Dogs--”

“No,” he said.  “You’re still wrong about that, by the way.  But this is just for you.”

There was a stage with chorus girls in patriotic uniforms, and as the music swelled, a man stepped out from behind the curtains in a very familiar looking outfit--

“Oh my god,” she whispered as the girls began to sing--

“Who’s strong and brave, here to save the American way?”

“Not all of us can storm a beach or drive a tank, but there’s still a way all of us can fight!”

“OH MY GOD,” she repeated, at a much higher volume, grabbing Clint’s arm.  “Is that really--”

“YUP.”

“Are those tights?”

“And hot pants,” Clint said, grinning widely when Nat glanced back at him.

“Who will campaign door to door for America, carry the flag shore to shore for America?” the chorus girls were asking when she looked back at the screen hands over her mouth as she tried not to squeal in excitement.  “From Hoboken to Spokane, the Star Spangled Man With a Plan!”

The grainy, black and white Steve saluted the audience with a cheeky grin that practically twinkled.  Nat jumped up, climbing over her chair and onto Clint, legs and arms wrapping around him as she kissed him hard.

“This is the best day ever,” she told him seriously when she released his lips with an audible pop.

“And you haven’t even seen the movies yet,” he told her.

“There’s movies??”

She watched the dance sequence three times, and Steve punching an overacting Hitler another four, before venturing on to a movie that was every bit as ridiculous as she’d hoped.  Clint abandoned her at some point only to come back with popcorn, setting another chair next to hers and catching pieces of popcorn she tossed up with his mouth whenever there was a lull in the action.

She decided to save the rest for later, mostly so she could get Bruce and Tony in on the action, but gave Clint another heated kiss before leaving the little AV room as a thank you for giving her the best gift ever, aside from her collection of nutcrackers.

It got a little out of hand, but she wasn’t particularly sorry about that either.

When they did finally make it back to the living room, Clint still tugging his shirt back over his head, the day only got better when she saw Steve on the couch.  He was flipping through some sports channels, one arm stretched across the back while he waited for Peggy to join him, and he raised the remote in greeting when he saw them. To his credit, he only raised one puritanical eyebrow and their slightly rumpled appearance--though, to be fair, Clint pretty much always looked slightly rumpled.

She paused for a second, then danced over to the other couch, whistling quietly as she picked up her book.  She kept her eyes on it even as she caught Steve stiffen in her peripheral vision, continuing to whistle and turning a page nonchalantly.

“Where did you hear that?” he asked, turning his head toward her slowly.

“Oh, some old dance number to sell war bonds,” she said with a shrug.  “Clint found it, thought I’d like it.”

“Why?” he asked Clint, who shrugged as he dropped down on the couch beside Nat, raising his arms automatically when she lifted her legs to his lap.

“Just seemed like something she’d enjoy.”

“Nat--”

“I gotta say, though, as great as that dance number was,” she went on, eyes still on her book, “the movies were way better.”

“The movies?” he echoed, sounding a little strangled.

“Oh yeah,” she said.  “Everything you could want, action, machine guns, blondes in tights...and that was just the leading man.”

“You did fill out those tights rather nicely,” Peggy said, leaning on the back of the couch beside him, and he looked up at her in utter betrayal.

“Et tu, Peggy?”

“What?  It’s the truth.”

“You don’t still have those shorts, do you?” Nat asked, finally looking up at him.  “I bet they’d be great for when training drills turn into impromptu dance numbers.”

“Yeah, okay,” he said, jumping up and taking Peggy’s hand.  “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” she asked, practically jogging behind him.

“I dunno.  Not here?”

“You mean the Star Spangled Man doesn’t have a plan?” Nat asked, feigning shock, and he whipped around to point a finger at Clint, who was clutching his stomach and laughing too hard to breathe.

“This will come back on you, Barton,” Steve threatened. “When you least expect it, I’ll--”

“Whatever, man,” Clint said, still laughing.  “Worth it.”

“I am never going to live this down, am I?” he asked Peggy, deflating a little.

“Aw, cheer up,” she said, brushing a lock of hair out his eyes and leaning up to kiss his cheek.  “You did a lot of good on that tour, and raised a lot of money for the war effort.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he said, still pouting a little.

“And you really did make such a cute chorus girl.”

“Peg!”

***

“Alright, Clint and Natasha, you take the west entrance, Rumlow and his team are watching the back, and Peggy and me will take the front.”

“Make sure you don’t take all the fun,” Nat said, revving up her four wheeler and taking off with Clint on the back.

“Do you think she meant that for you or me?” Peggy asked, adjusting one of her gloves and checking that her gun was loaded.

“Yes?” Steve guessed, and she smirked at him.

He took a deep breath, looking back at the building complex while he waited for everyone to get in position.  It was nondescript but for the soldier patrolling the gated entrance, but it still made him itch as he cast a sideways glance at Peggy. The last time Peggy had been on a mission with him, apart from that...very last one, she’d gotten shot in the shoulder.  She’d been fine, mostly, just a couple of raised scars and a fractured shoulder bone that had healed quickly, but it had shaken him.  It wasn’t that she was a woman, she’d always been more than capable of handling herself.  It was that she was Peggy, one of the only people who genuinely thought he was enough, and the idea of losing her had made him cold to the core.

But now she was with him, here, in 2012, and bored, which meant more missions.  Which was fine--great, even, he liked knowing he had someone watching his back again. He just...wasn’t totally sure what he’d do if something happened to her now.

“Steve?”

Steve blinked, realizing suddenly that Peggy was giving him a confused look and tapping at her ear.  Then he heard Natasha call his name on the comms, and he shook himself, focusing back on the moment.

“Right, sorry,” he managed.

“Settle a bet for us,” Rumlow said.  “Were you making out with Carter?”

“Yeah, I’m not answering that,” he replied, shaking his head when Peggy grinned.  “Alright, everyone in position?”

With the affirmative from the team, he headed for the entrance with the Peggy, shield and gun at the ready as they crept through the trees.

Peggy held up a hand as they approached, and Steve hung back, just out of sight.  She holstered her gun, taking a deep breath before approaching the guard, and Steve narrowed his eyes at the extra swing to her hips in her close fitting pants.

“Hello,” she said brightly, and Steve rolled his eyes. “Sorry, got a bit turned around, first day, you know how it goes, one minute you’re looking for the canteen, getting your boss some coffee, and next thing, you’re...outside the gate and all the trees look the same.”  She let out a short chuckle, smacking her own head as she let out an exaggerated and audible sigh.  “So, um, I was looking for building seven?”

“Uh.”  Steve almost felt for the guy, he knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of Peggy’s smile.  “Yeah, um, I’m not sure if…”

“Oh, please, it’d be a real favor if we could just...keep this between us.  I’d be...very appreciative.”

Steve huffed out a breath gently and glanced around as she grabbed the guy’s arm and squeezed a little.  He still looked uncertain, until she flashed him another one of those potent smiles.

Steve shook his head and sighed as the guard turned, holding his ID up toward the RFID reader.

“I guess, if it’s your first day, wouldn’t want you to get in too much trouble--”

He was cut off by the butt of Peggy’s gun cracking against his skull as the gate clanked open.  Steve approached then, nudging the guy with his boot.

“I can’t believe he fell for that.”

“Same idiots, different decade,” Peggy said with a shrug, stepping over his prone body and into the complex, then looked back at Steve.  “Are you coming?”

He stared at her a second, then shook his head again as he followed.

“Was that really necessary?”

“You said you wanted to come in quiet and under the radar,” she reminded him.  She glanced up at his...probably less than thrilled expression, and rolled her eyes. “Oh come on, it’s not as if I didn’t know that if things had gone badly, your shield would have spun out of the trees and knocked him out cold before he could even get his gun out.”

“Yeah,” he admitted.  “You know what would have been nice though?  If that had just been Plan A to begin with.  Just saying.”

“Probably, but where’s the fun in that for me?”

He looked down at her warily, all flushed cheeks and bright eyes.  “You are enjoying this way too much.”

She only grinned up at him, her tongue running over her teeth, and he felt a smile come to his own lips in spite of himself.  He had...really missed her.  It was really easy to forget, with everything lost and far away, how much they’d managed to have fun, even during a war.

It felt closer now.

“So,” she said, looking around a corner of a building. “Where do you want to start?”

He looked around her, considering for a second--then stopped when there was an explosion to the south.  He sighed--so much for coming under the radar, but at least everyone was running away from them now.

“By splitting up,” he told her.  “I’m not totally sure where the agents are, and there’s a lot of buildings to cover, even with Nat and Clint.”

“Yes, sir, Captain, sir,” she said, not even looking up as she crept toward the edge of the building.

“Hey,” he said, taking her arm and pulling her back around, lifting his other hand to her cheek as he kissed her.  He ran his thumb over her cheekbone when he raised his head a far too brief moment later.  “Go get ‘em.”

“And you,” she murmured, leaning up to give him another quick kiss before scurrying away.

He went the other direction, bringing his shield back around to his arm.  He used it to break the lock on the first building he came to, only to find himself in a room with eight other very armed and very cranky looking men.

“Hi,” he said, looking around.  “Would you believe that I got lost on my way to the canteen on my first day of work?”  Several guns raised in response, and he sighed, reaching for his own.  “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

It took a few minutes to dispatch all of them, and he put his gun away as he looked over the unconscious, but not dead, bodies.

“Couldn’t just give a guy directions,” he said, clicking his tongue as he left the building.  He was about to check the next one when the ground shook with another explosion, and he booked it in the direction of the sound.  He could practically hear Bucky’s voice in his head, screaming that we RUN AWAY FROM THE EXPLOSIONS, STEVE, YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY, when--

“Wahooooo!”

Steve stopped, blinking as a very large man driving what appeared to be a very small golf cart with a couple of guys hanging on to the top rolled out of the smoke.  There was also a very familiar bowler sitting on the driver’s head, with sergeant stripes stitched on--

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” he muttered, watching the golf cart turn into a drift that it should not be able to do before hitting a wall, sending both guys on top into the brick and into unconsciousness.  He looked back at the building currently burning cheerfully, focusing on the small band of men stumbling toward him.

“SHIELD?” he asked.

“Yeah,” one of them answered, an arm wrapped around what was probably a few bruised ribs.  He coughed, wincing, then focused on Steve.  “Hey, you’re Captain America.”

“That’s what they tell me,” he replied, turning back to the golf cart as the large man unfolded himself and made his way toward them.

“Hiya, Cap!”

“Dum Dum Dugan,” Steve said, shaking his head.  He couldn’t even be that surprised, that was just how completely weird his life was now.  Why not throw in another ghost from his past in a building complex in the middle of nowhere, Lithuania?  “We gotta stop meeting like this.”

“What’re you doin’ way out here, Cap?” Dugan asked.

“Extraction,” he said, glancing back at the other men. “Ostensibly.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Dugan said, looking past Steve at the burning building when he turned back.  “I got a little bored waiting for Fury’s flunkies.”

“Thanks,” Steve said, eyebrow jumping.  “At least you found a way to keep yourself entertained.”

“Always do,” Dugan said, grinning at him before pulling him into a bear hug.  “It’s good to see you, Cap.”

“It’s...a little shocking to see you,” Steve replied, pulling back to look at him.  “Alive.”

“Yeah, that’s a...long story,” Dugan told him, shrugging.

“They usually are,” Steve said, smiling.  “It’s good, though.  Really good.  And...it suddenly makes a lot of sense why Fury was so insistent about me being on this mission,” he added, making a mental note to send Fury a new eyepatch or something.  And probably another ten dollars.

“Yeah,” Dugan said, his smile faltering. “Listen, Cap.  I don’t think I was ever as happy as when I found out they found you, and seeing you on the news was--well, I’m a little upset no one invited me to your party in New York--”

“Not.  A. Party,” Nat said, suddenly striding through the smoke with Clint.

“You’re really gonna have to let that go,” Clint told her, notching an arrow and letting it loose to hit another soldier on a roof behind Dugan.

“Anyway, I um...I need to tell you something,” Dugan went on, looking worried and...ashamed.

“What is it?” Steve asked, suddenly concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, it’s…”  He paused, swallowing.  “I lost her, Cap.  I tried to look out for Peggy for you, but I lost her.  I looked for so long, with her brother and Howard, she was your best girl, I couldn’t let you both down, but I lost her--”

“Oh, honestly, Dugan, would you please stop blubbering?” Peggy asked from behind him, and Dugan’s eyes widened before he turned around.

"Hiya, Peg!” he said, and Steve blinked at the genuine cheerfulness in the voice that had been anguished a second ago.  “Long time no see!”

“Too long,” she replied, and even her eyes were a little damp as she stepped closer to hug him.  “I didn’t think you were still around.”

“I didn’t think were around sixty five years ago,” he said, hugging her tight for a moment before releasing her.  “What happened to you?”

“Oh, that’s a--”

“Long story,” he finished with her in unison.  “Gotcha. Well, the point is, you’re okay, and so’s Cap.”  He kept one arm around her, throwing the other around Steve.  “Howling Commandos, down to three idiots who don’t know when to quit.  Still good though, right?”

Steve swallowed hard, pushing away thoughts of who was still missing, then nodded, clapping Dugan on the back.

“Yeah,” he agreed, looking past Dugan for a second to Peggy.  “Still good.”

“So,” Dugan asked, looking between them.  “You two get hitched yet?”

“Oh, for god’s sake!” Peggy blurted out, ducking out from under his arm.  “Do you think Director Fury would really miss him if we left him in Lithuania?”

Steve grinned as Dugan released him, reaching for Peggy and kissing her quickly before Rumlow showed up with a report on the rest of the complex.  Not a bad first mission for her.

***

“By rights, I should have died...hooo, about three years after Peggy vamoosed,” Dugan guessed, clinking his poker chips together and glancing at his cards before putting a chip in front of him.  “Bet five.  Yeah, I took a hit not too far from here from some weirdo Bill had us chasing, ripped me damn near in half.”

“Raise ten,” Peggy said, wearing a ridiculous green visor she’d stolen from Bruce.  “So what happened?”

“Your brother,” he replied, then nodded at Tony when he called.  “Well, and his dad.”

“That’s funny,” Tony said mildly, glancing at his cards.  “He always seemed better with destruction.  Just ask Jarvis--wait, let me leave first--”

“Tony,” Steve said quietly--not quite a warning, not quite not.  “Give him a break.  There’s a lot to your dad you didn’t see.”

“Alert the media.”

“Raise five,” Bruce cut it, throwing his chips into the growing pile.  He caught Peggy’s raised eyebrow and shifted in his seat, looking down at his cards. “So that doesn’t actually answer the question.  I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but I think ‘Howard Stark happened’ could be a pretty blanket explanation for a lot of things.”

“Too right,” Peggy murmured, fingering her cards as Steve called and dealt another card in the river.  “Although, Bill is somewhat novel.”

“I’ll tell you the same thing I told him,” Dugan replied, rapping his knuckles on the table to call.  “Start out with the basic understanding that you have no idea what your brother is really capable of, and we might be able to get somewhere.” Peggy snorted, raising the bet again. “Anyway, Bill didn’t like me getting hurt like that in the line of duty, not so close to headquarters, and not being able to do anything.  I was one of his first agents, you know--me and Jones and Dernier.  I think he would have had the same reaction if it was either of them.  Never could quite tell though if it was just sentimentality, or the fact that we knew you. Didn’t want to lose that piece, I think.”

“So where does my dad come in?” Tony asked, eyeing Peggy for a second before raising the bet another ten.

“Something he made, he called it the Infinity Serum,” Dugan replied.

“Of course he did,” Bruce murmured.

Steve chuckled as they both saw the bet in turn, adding, “Hey, the Starks have never exactly been known for subtlety.  Futuristic technology, explosions, grandstanding...but not subtlety.”

“That much never changed,” Dugan said, shaking his head. “Good god, the stories I could tell about his fights with Thompson, the way he called him out in the papers--”

“Dugan,” Peggy cut in with a tired tone, massaging her temple.

“Right, sorry.  Anyway, this serum, it was something he’d made from the german doctor’s notes--”  He paused as every eye snapped up to meet his.  “Yeah, I thought that might get your attention.  Don’t get too excited.  It was part of it, yeah, but not all of it.  Basically the poor man’s Rebirth.  It helped heal me up, and make it a little harder to get hurt, and apparently keep me alive…”

“Infinitely?” Peggy suggested.

“Near enough, anyway,” he said with a shrug, starting another round of bets.  “None of the extras Cap got, and I sure as hell didn’t get a shield, but I’m still kicking some bad guys asses, and I’ve still got my bowler, so I guess there’s that.”

“Well, it’s good to have you back,” Steve said, reaching over to clap Dugan on the back.

“Same to you, Cap,” Dugan said, pushing his hat up a little as he looked at Peggy.  “So I know Rogers spent the last few decades as a human snowcone, but what about you, Peg? What in blazes happened to you?”

“Would you believe...time travel?” she asked, and he laughed out loud before grinning at her.

“I’ll tell you what, doll, at this point, I’d believe anything.”

“I’ll tell you what I have a hard time believing,” Peggy said, putting her chin in one hand as she leaned on the table. “This...Infinity Serum.  Who else has used it?”

“Above my pay grade, Agent Carter,” he said, shaking his head, while Steve narrowed his eyes at Bruce, who still had yet to call or bet.  The scientist was staring down at the back of his cards, looking deep in thought as he tapped on them absently.

“But not Howard?” Peggy asked.

“Erm, excuse me,” Jarvis said, entering the room cautiously. “Miss Carter, you asked me to let you know when word came in regarding Agents Barton and Romanoff.”

“Yes, Mister Jarvis, everything went smoothly?” she asked. Dugan shot a look at Steve, who shrugged resignedly--there would likely never be a time when Peggy didn’t somehow have her finger on the pulse of literally everything going on around her, whether it directly involved her or not.

“As near as I can tell, yes,” Jarvis replied, looking down at his phone.  “They arrived at the Triskellion in Washington DC twenty minutes ago, and have estimated their arrival back at the tower as--oh dear, sometime between tomorrow afternoon and...next Tuesday.”

“That sounds about right,” she said, nodding.  “Thank you, Mister Jarvis.  Are you sure we can’t deal you in for the next hand?  You must be lonesome out there on your own.”

“I assure you, Miss Carter, I am quite alright,” he replied, ducking his head a little.  “If that will be all?”

She nodded, then sighed as he left the room.  Steve reached for her hand, squeezing gently, and Tony took a long drink from his scotch.  Only Bruce seemed unfazed, still lost in whatever he was working out in his head.

“I don’t think taking the serum seemed like a good idea to old Howie,” Dugan said quietly, his eyes still on the door Jarvis had left through.  “He already had enough ghosts for one lifetime.  Hey, Banner, you gonna bet, buddy?”

“Huh?”  Bruce looked up, blinking when he realized everyone was looking at him.  “Oh, yeah, sorry, raise ten.”

“Alright, cards out,” Steve said as everyone met his bet.

“Oh you have got to be kidding me,” Peggy burst out when all the hands were revealed to give Steve the pot with a full house, beating out Peggy’s pairs and Bruce’s three of a kind.  “You never even raised!”

“I didn’t have to,” he said, winking at her as he collected the chips.  “You did all that for me.”

“Unbelieveable,” Peggy snapped, sitting back with her arms crossed and huffing.

“Ah, don’t take it so hard, Peg,” Dugan said, collecting the cards and shuffling them quickly.  “Soon as you make an honest man out of Rogers, half those winnings will be yours.”

“Half that pot is mine,” she muttered, even as Steve grinned and stood, pausing at her chair to lean down and kiss her cheek.  “You’re lucky I adore you.”

“Yes, I am,” he said, making his way into the kitchen for another beer.  “And if you start playing your cards better, I might even let you make an honest man out of me.”

“Better?”