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amberjazmyn · 1 year ago

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matthew gray gubler one-shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - "we got to get her out of here, okay? it's really cold in here for her and I just don't--"

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - depressing, grief, grieving husband, widower, character death, hysterical crying

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - matthew's wife, lennon gubler is murdered in cold blood after being caught in the right place wrong time after she was trying to give water to who she was told were stranded police officers. matthew is then called and has to visit the coroner's office to identify/see the body for the first time.

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - i have written this imagine before as a jared padalecki imagine which was based around one of the episodes of his newest show but, i decided i wanted to change it up and make it into a matthew gray gubler imagine! considering he was also on a crime procedural show, buckle up. the night of lennon (matthew's wife) will be written in italics and then the present time will be written in the normal font. this is also set in like the early seasons of criminal minds because i want both m.g.g and lennon to be in their early to mid-twenties :)

masterlist

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her entire body was slowing down and shutting off as were all of her vital organs that were usually so well in keeping her alive during moments of immense panic. she was trying so hard to breathe in and out but, she couldn't. laying on the floor, in the muddy grass field, she couldn't help but pray and hope that help was on its way if help had even been called at all since she was no longer with her partner. every time she tried to breathe in, she'd start choking and gurgling on the blood that was rising up in her throat from the gunshot wound to her stomach and due to the fact that she was laying down on the floor as if she was paralyzed.

trying to keep her eyes open, she tried so hard to stay alive even though she knew that in a matter of minutes, maybe seconds, she would be dead. this was when lennon gubler's phone had started to ring again after she had rung her husband before hanging up mid gunshot. as she moaned in pain of her incoming death, she just as about looked at her phone one last time as she saw the contact photo of her husband, matthew gray gubler flash up on her iphone. the photo was of the two of them laughing as matthew tried to go in for a kiss on lennon's lips but missed it entirely whilst their two godsons and her daughter, mehkai, pheonix and florianna were seen in the background, also pictured laughing at their godparents and parents. as tears, blood, sweat and other bodily fluids bubbled in lennon's throat and down her face, she came to the fate that she was gonna die and was for some reason at peace with it even though she never thought she'd die like this; similar to an episode of criminal minds that she stared in that was her favourite. she had no clue that she was right in the middle of a gunfight from a drug syndicate gone wrong. yeah, sounds exactly like an episode of criminal minds exactly. as her breathing started slowing down, as did her panicking and worry of dying. her entire life from a little kid to the first time she met her husband to when she watched aj cook, the costar and best friend of the married couple give birth to her godsons, to finding out about her own pregnancy with florianna with her previous partner, as well as lennon, finding out the news of her second pregnancy that was still yet to be announced to everyone else but matthew and florianna were now playing through her mind like a little highlight reel. putting her at ease, she found herself taking her last breath with a smile on her face as her eyes fluttered shut as if she was just falling asleep and wasn't bleeding out and covered in sweat, tears and various other bodily fluids. she was calm and at rest even though the way to was anything but calming and restful. she only hoped that her unborn child was also calm and at rest despite the heartbreak that this was going to cause everyone after the fact.

back at the house, matthew couldn't contain his fear. thankful for the fact that criminal minds, the show he was on for nearly ten years now was on a short five-month hiatus, meaning he was now home rather than constantly going back and forth from la. this then inadvertently meant that the least of his worries was having to get on a plane to rush to his wife. however, it still worried him that his wife didn't pick up the phone call after she had called him originally. whilst matthew and lennon didn't have too many similarities to their criminal minds counterparts, the biggest one they did have was, they were married to each other - just like their characters on criminal minds are. despite the fact that dr reid and ssa cordelia reid didn't have kids, that was something that the gubler's did; they shared florianna gubler who was actually from a previous relationship of lennon's and then a baby girl on the way with matthew. it seemed as if lennon was living in an episode of criminal minds, in which she had felt like she was trying to unknowingly find an unsub. one of lennon's favourite episodes of criminal minds was the one in which her character had been shot down by the unsub of the episode after her character was just innocently trying to give water to who she thought was a group of stranded police officers. this phone call and then missed phone call gave matthew the same vibes that that exact criminal minds episode that was lennon's favourite gave him as well as an intense feeling of deja vu. it gave him the shivers to think that what happened in his tv world of pretend, could be possibly starting to happen in his real world. but, now, the thing that was raising alarm bells and consistent questions were who would want to murder or even hurt lennon?

it was then that matthew recieved a call from the las vegas county coroner's office in regards to a body that needed identifying however, matthew didn't know that immediately. it was an unknown number that had rung him but he assumed that it was a law enforcement/government official number so, it gave him all the wrong feelings that it was the coroner's office. why would they need matthew though if it was the coroner? he wasn't a real life fbi agent or dr spencer reid, and even then, why would he specifically need to identify someone? his blood then grew cold as his eyes began to water and he started to feel sick in the pit of his stomach. what if that deja vu feeling was because of that specific criminal minds episode that lennon loved had just happened in real life with his legitimate wife?

"hello, am i speaking to a mr matthew gubler? the random man on the other side of the phoneline asks, making matthew's anxiety anything but better about where his wife was

"umm, yes...yes, this is he. who...who am i speaking with, sorry?" matthew stammered out in confusion and worry, his heart beating out of his chest, just hoping it wasn't the hospital or--

"--this is the las vegas county coroner's office, sir. a lady in her early to late twenties has just been brought in to us and we're still unsure as to her cause of death but with the information we received, we found out that you were an emergency contact. we're just asking for you to come over so you can id this lady because as of right now, you sir, are our only lead as to who this lady is," the man spoke softly and with empathy, as matthew felt as if he had been kicked to the stomach, his breath was lost in a second as he then realised, the lady from what he had been told wasn't pregnant - maybe he wouldn't be identifying his wife

"oh...oh shi-umm, yeah, of...of course! i'll be on my way soon--"

"--also, before i forget, was the lady that was brought into the coroner's office pregnant?" matthew felt like his entire body was shutting down as he tried to grab his car keys, his jacket, shoes, wallet with id, driver's license etc. as the man on the other end responded back with a sort of gasp of remembrance

"ah, that was what i had seemingly forgotten. sadly, the woman that has been brought into the examiner's office was mentioned to be eighteen weeks pregnant and we sadly have a firm belief as to who it is, hence why you've been our first point of call so, please be wary mr gubler. see you soon, thank you for your time," the man spoke as he then hung up so he could then ring up the three other people that were emergency contacts of lennon gubler

the second that the phone line went dead, it seemed as if matthew was now on autopilot. rushing to his car, he sped down to the coroner's office, most likely breaking a ton of road rules. just hoping that the person he was going to be attempting to identify wasn't someone he was related to, let alone his own eighteen-week pregnant wife. and even then, he'd still be confused and equally as heartbroken as to who this person would be and why he'd be an unknown person's emergency contact.

as matthew arrived at the las vegas county coroner's office, as did a car that he recognised all too well. his best friends' from criminal minds, aj, shemar and paget stepped out of shemar's car. were they another one of the emergency contacts? okay, this was now messing with matthew and it was stressing him out to the point where he was feeling dizzy.

"matthew, buddy, what's going on? do you know?" aj approaches her nervous best friend as she sees the taller man shake his head no, panic seeping through his eyes as aj tightens her jaw, seemingly already figuring it out with shemar and paget before matthew did

as the four best friends leaned against the big car that matthew had driven, his mind just started to wonder as he thought up of all the people who he knew in his family and friend group that had him as their emergency contact, a voice coming from the door of the building had caught the friends' attention.

"mr gubler and co. they're ready for you," a las vegas medical examiner opened the door, giving matthew and his costars the shivers as he thought back to that day of the legitimate filming of lennon's favourite criminal minds episode of watching his onscreen and real-life wife die in front of him, it just gave him the creeps and rightfully so

"we love you, buddy, it's gonna be okay!" shemar spoke softly as he placed his hand on his slightly shorter best friend's shoulder as he turned around, nodding his head before before turning back to the m.e and into the coroner's office

only aj had followed the examiner and matthew into the office, shemar and paget waiting outside and to aj and matthew, it felt like they were on a movie set, this moment in its entirety not feeling exactly real to the actors. aj was best friends with lennon, matthew's wife, so to even think that they were possibly having to identify her best friend's wife's dead body haunted her and they hadn't even been shown the body yet. aj had some idea that lennon's favourite cm episode in which she dies was the one that had given matthew the creepy and deja vu vibes and, that's probably why it haunted aj a lot more. matthew was probably going through a feeling of deja vu and that's when it hit aj. i mean, why else would they be called to the coroner's office rather than a hospital if lennon died in a more natural way like a car collision or stroke?

now, aj, just like her best friend, was also feeling nervous and sick to the stomach as they were then brought into the room where they were able to identify the body. the medical examiner and another police officer, who aj and matthew assumed was the one who had found lennon, was at the head of the body. all the examiner needed was a head nod from either aj or matthew but, it was matthew's head-nod that the examiner knew for sure that it was time for the two costars to identify the body of the lady that had been found. matthew's body then locked, his knees locked as he fell forward against the metal slab that the dead unknown lady was laying on when he came to realise who he was needing to identify as dead.

straight away, loud sobs and whimpers like never heard before from matthew echoed across the office and from outside where shemar and paget could hear them from as matthew started to lean against the cold metal slab to keep himself steady so he wouldn't collapse on his knees. he couldn't seem to fathom in his head who would do something like this to his wife, his pregnant wife, even then, what did they do to his wife? the examiner didn't even mention it as they decided that it would be more efficient to have them identify if it really was lennon gubler, and it was, before revealing her cause of death

"oh...oh my go...gosh!" matthew sobbed out as he panicked, what had even happened to his wife? what was she doing? why didn't she ring him back? he had so many questions going through his mind right now that he couldn't focus on anything apart from the fact that he wasn't going to allow himself to collapse to the ground

"i...i got..gotta call my...my mom! got to call...oh, florianna...ba...baby girl," matthew whimpered and sniffled as he found himself falling into hysteria at the fact that he was now all on his own, he had lost the love of his life and his unborn child - matthew had also lost his unborn daughter and florianna had lost her mom and unborn sister

it broke aj's heart to hear this and it seemed as if she realised immediately what matthew meant when he whimpered out the "baby girl" after mentioning florianna. and that almost made her fall to her own knees as she too fought hard to keep her own tears at bay. lennon was pregnant with their first baby girl together and the husband and wife didn't even get to announce it to the rest of the world yet.

"we got to get her out of here, okay?" matthew panicked, not willing to accept the fact that lennon and his unborn daughter were now dead as aj just watched on, tears of her own now unwillingly streaming down her cheeks as she was ever-so silent, matthew's cries being the only ones heard

"it's really cold in here for her and i just don't--"

"--doctor *sniffles*, sir umm, how...how did lennon and the baby die? what...what happened?" immediately, to calm down her friend, aj walked over and asked the examiner how lennon and the unborn baby died so she could then take matthew, who was absolutely shattered by his grief, back outside of the office to get shemar and paget to help her calm matthew down

"now that it has been identified from you two that this is lennon gubler and her unborn daughter, we are now able to inform you that this was a gunshot wound to her abdominal-stomach area in the midsection that was her ultimate cause of death. the las vegas police are now forming an investigation as to who lennon and baby gubler's killer was and whether or not there was an ulterior motive or if, as we suspected, she was in the right place at the wrong time and didn't realise until it was too late," the examiner spoke softly but professionally as aj nodded her head, the only other noise now heard was her best friend's gutwrenching sobs as his legs slowly started to give way as he started to heavily rely on applying pressure to the metal slab to keep himself upright

it devastated aj, shemar and paget as much as it devastated matthew that it was lennon's dead body that they just identified alongside their unborn daughter. it filled all four of them up with so many questions as to what lennon was doing that caused her to die of a gunshot wound, exactly like she did on criminal minds. how in god's grace did she get shot? was she doing something suspicious or that seemed suspicious to the person or people that shot her? was she aware that she was possibly walking through unsafe and protected territory? was she, like the examiner mentioned, just in the right place but just wrong time? was this a real-life ssa cordelia/dr spencer reid situation where she was killed via a gunshot wound by the unsub after going to the wrong territory? were the people who shot lennon worried that because she had her phone out that she was gonna rat them out to the police or the las vegas fbi? so many questions but, it seemed as if there were no possible answers to fill the void that matthew no longer had his wife by his side anymore and wouldn't ever have his beautiful baby girl. their eldest daughter, florianna no longer had her mom there if she needed help with anything but, she also no longer had the younger sister that she had dreamt about wanting.

matthew was still weeping and it was still loud. it seemed as if despite the number of tears he was producing and the sobbing noise, he wasn't ever going to run out. it shocked aj, shemar and paget a little bit that he was still standing (shemar and paget had now come in), albeit with the help of the cold, metal, dried-up-bloody slab, because they all would have thought that immediately, matthew would have collapsed to the floor. however, they realised quickly that matthew still wanted to have some control over himself and his body if he couldn't control the tears that racked his entire body.

present time

four months later and the gubler family and extended were having the righteous funeral for lennon and baby gubler. they had waited four months so they could find out who had done it, what their motive was and place them in jail which included the very long and very tiresome court process which thankfully went in favour of matthew and lennon, his wife's murderer jailed for life. once that was done and the stress from that was over, matthew, alongside the criminal minds cast and both families organized the funeral for the loving wife, mother, daughter, sister, best friend, castmate that lennon was. despite the agony, grief and loss of control lennon and baby gubler's death brought to matthew, florianna and everyone else affected by her death, it also gave them a new sense of strength.

it was also now something that matthew could connect to his character, dr spencer reid, in a way he now wished he didn't. he didn't wish for his real life and tv life to converge but now it did and whilst it scared him, it now gave him a new depth that he could now use for scenes in which called for him to be grieving and upset. he even went as far as to watch that particular criminal minds episode alongside his daughter, florianna. of course, it was going to worry florianna because watching the episode was the exact same way in which lennon had died in real life. however, matthew was seemingly okay with the both of them watching the episode so, they did.

sitting in silence, the immediate gubler and criminal minds cast families just played with their fingers and thumbs or tried to distract themselves in another way that wasn't as obvious as twiddling with fingers and thumbs. that was until florianna, gubler's daughter spoke up, breaking the silence of the room.

"mom would totally be saying a joke right now," she spoke bluntly but tried to keep her voice airy at the same time, her dad, cousins, uncles and aunties all looking at the teenage girl to continue

"what did the ghost say to the bee?" she almost smirked and she hadn't even said the punchline to the joke, even though it could be classified as a dad joke as it seemed as if all the adults knew where the joke was headed

"boo bee," she struggled to keep her small giggles in which made her dad, who was already in tatters yet again, tearfully giggle

"what...what's brown and sticky?" mia, joe mantenga's daughter spoke up with a small giggle as immediately florianna rolled her eyes at her cousin's dad joke

" a stick," the cousins said at the same exact time, mia giggling softly and florianna in a monotone voice with a joking roll of her eyes, a sad but small smile playing on her lips

"what would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the rear end? amegasoreass," matthew spoke up tearfully with a laugh as the room filled with giggles, whether they were tearful, wholehearted, nervous laughter or what, the room was still filling up with laughter which was a good step in the grieving process

"that was absolutely awful, dad. mom would've for sure slapped you in the back of the head for that one, even though i wouldn't have seen it," florianna whispered, glad that she was now back with her rightful family and not her biological father

the teenage girl then leaned against the black couch as she spread out her black silk skirt and fixed up her black and white polka-dotted crop top as she then started to become a little overwhelmed with all the black and darkness that she was surrounded by.

it felt like the poor girl was having an anxiety or panic attack. it felt like her throat was closing up and like she was getting fidgety and reckless. thankfully it seemed as if no one noticed that florianna was freaking out so, she decided to take her chance and she booked it out of the lounge room. rushing outside, it was like she could finally let herself explode into the wooded forest that surrounded the funeral home. her cries were almost as loud and gutwrenching as her dad's when he had to identify lennon's body at the medical examiner's office with aj, shemar and paget. wrapping her arms around herself as a form of self-protection, it seemed as if she hadn't noticed the fast pace sounds of the crunching leaves behind her and the heavy breathing. which sounded like someone was running to find florianna. yet, due to the amount of panic and distress that florianna was in, she hadn't realised that someone had gone out to look for her. especially considering it looked as if beforehand that no one was paying attention to her, she thought she would have gotten away with it easily. however, apparently, florianna cannot be secretive and slick around dad as much as she thinks she is.

florianna was about to turn back around after having her panic attack to go back to the lounge room, only to look up and be matched with her dad's tearful eyes.

no words were even needed to tell matthew that his daughter really wasn't as okay as she had made everyone believe she was. everything felt as thought it was faling on top of her all at once and, it was now her breaking point. she couldn't hold on any longer but she didn't want to be in the presence of her family, most especially her dad because of how painful it would have been for him and everyone else so, she thought the only smart option was to do it alone where no one else could hear her or see her.

"florianna?" matthew only whispered before florianna broke again, falling into her dad's embrace as he immediately pulled his daughter into his arms

"i...i can't...it...it hurts so much daddy...why did she die?" florianna panicked, the same way that matthew himself panicked that day four months ago at the examiner's office

"i know it hurts baby. it hurts like hell and it'll feel like that for a while, i'm never gonna lie to you. and, she...she died because she was at the right place at the wrong time and she was caught in the crossfire of a drug syndicate deal that went horribly wrong. the drug dealers at the field where the las vegas officers had found your mom had noticed that she was walking towards them. mom, obviously oblivious to what was going on in front of her because she thought she was meeting up with a group of stranded police officers, when they saw the phone in her hand when she was on the phone with me, they thought she was going to rat them out of the officers and, they only thought the best way to stop that possible scenario from happening was to eliminate her so, that...that's what they did," matthew's eyes widened towards the end, that had been the first time in months that he had explained to his daughter how lennon had died

"did...did they know that she was pregnant? did...did they know that mom was pregnant and that's also why they killed her rather than letting her go because they knew they weren't just killing her but also the baby?" florianna whimpered as matthew didn't even think about that as his eyes widened again

"i...i have no idea baby, i have no idea. maybe they did, maybe they didn't at the time but, they know now and i promise you that it haunts them every single day just like it haunts us..." matthew comforted as he stepped closer as florianna nodded her head

"why is our life slowly turning into reid's?" florianna whimpered as she hugged her dad tight as he scoffed as he sniffled, a tear of his hitting florianna's cheek

"i don't know baby girl, but, i think this is where it's gonna end!" matthew muttered, only hoping that the fight scenes, shoot outs and stalker scenes that were benig filmed were gonna stay as tv scenes

"how are you so sure?" florianna whimpered out again as she took a deep breath in as matthew followed through so he could control his breathing as well

"because baby, the shooter, whilst showing utter remorse and guilt for the murder, is in jail for as long as he shall live. even though we did forgive him, he still took away the lives of an innocent lady and unborn daughter who was just simply unaware of what was going on around her. just know that i'm not going anywhere and i'm always going to protect you, mehkai and pheonix, you understand florianna?" matthew was strict with his daughter and godsons straight after their mom and godmother's death over him, dad and godfather, being sure he'd never leave the kids alone and that was something that florianna, mehkai and pheonix appreciated from their dad and godfather because they needed it right now during this time of grieving more than ever

"i understand dad. mehkai and pheonix and i really do appreciate it. it gives us back some normalcy even though it'll never really be normal again now that mom's no longer around," florianna whispered as matthew clenched his jaw as his chin and lip quivered as he held his daughter tightly

they then both broke down into sobs, loud, gutwrenching sobs as they stood in the wooded area for minutes to what was maybe an hour before mehkai and pheonix had come out to look for their godsister and godfather. only to find them still crying their eyes out as the four of them embraced. which then suddenly brought up mehkai and pheonix's emotions which then, in turn, got them brought into the hug as they joined their godsister and godfather as the four gubler/cook's cried together.

the two remaining gubler's and the two young cook boys cried over their mom, wife, godmother and unborn sister/godsister/daughter, over the fact that they'd never see her smile, hear her laugh, hear her sing in the kitchen, play with their dogs pandora and peaches. they cried over the fact that dad was a lot more vulnerable without mom than when she was alive. that meant that florianna, mehkai and pheonix but mostly florianna was doing to have to be the stronghold, most especially when matthew wasn't able to keep his grief at bay. they cried over the fact that the only thing they've got left of their mom, wife, unborn sister/daughter and godmother is the videos, photos (and ultrasounds) of memories that were gonna spare a lifetime but were still not enough in the means of never getting new videos and photos of the both of them.

"dad?" florianna speaks up, her voice raw and scratchy from her sobbing

"yeah, baby?" matthew speaks up, his voice just as raw and stratchy as he sniffled, his tissue wiping away the tears on his cheeks

"are you okay to go back to work, to criminal minds?" florianna's soft words brought comfort to matthew that had never happened before as he found himself slightly smiling at his daughter's question

"yeah, i am darling. it has been four months, they need me back on set. if you wish and want to, i'm sure it wouldn't be a problem if i brought you, mehkai and pheonix as well, especially if the jareau boys are featured in any episodes?" matthew proposed as florianna's eyes lit up as if all her previous grief was gone whereas aj's two little boys, straight away turned down their godfather's offer

"please, dad?" florianna burst out whilst the two boys shook their heads softly, "no thanks," the boys both shuffled on their feet as florianna pulled away from her dad so mehkai and pheonix could have a chat because she knew that matthew was gonna question his godsons as mehkai and pheonix loved visiting the criminal minds set, especially when they were featured in an episode so, he wanted to unpact as to why they now didn't want to

"mehkai, pheonix, why not? you two love visiting set with me and florianna, especially when you're featured in an episode, what's changed?" matthew questioned as they sat themselves down on the bench against the tree, mehkai huffing as pheonix stayed silent

"just...right now, i personally want to focus on school and getting my head back on track there before i can bring myself to step foot elsewhere that isn't home or school. is...is that okay?" mehkai questioned worriedly as matthew's eyes softened as did his shoulders

"of course, that's okay buddy! i'm never gonna force either of you to come back until you believe or you are fully ready. i know florianna is because that's all she's been alluding to and that's okay too! both of your priorities are school and florianna's is criminal minds and they are both perfectly fine options and valid to have! i love you both so much, you know that right, you two?" matthew then reminds his godsons that he loves them both and if they remember as the two boys both chuckle softly

"thanks, matthew and we love you too, it's something you remind us and florianna of every single day!" mehkai smiles as does pheonix as matthew smiles softly too, bringing the two boys in for a hug before patting their shoulders as they let matthew walk in front of them, the two boys wanting to linger outside together for a bit longer

matthew then joined florianna, who had been sitting down on the outside steps the entire conversation, obviously not paying attention to it as matthew and florianna smiled at each other.

"you ready to face everyone again? matthew questions his daughter as they hold hands as florianna smiles down at the ground - knowing there was going to be a lot more tears but that they were maybe going to be a bit more silent and discreet

"i mean, the show must go on, right?" florianna smiled as matthew smiled and nodded his head at his daughter as they both took one last look at mehkai and pheonix, both boys giving them thumps up that they were okay and were both going to come back inside shortly

"you are absolutely correct florianna lennon, you are correct!" matthew smiled, making florianna laugh at the use of her middle name which was obviously her mom's first name as they walked inside as only a few people made attention to florianna and her absence. aj, florianna's godmother and fellow criminal minds actress are one of them.

aj and florianna were best friends alongside shemar moore, who is also in criminal minds as aj pulls her goddaughter in for a hug.

"you alright darling?" aj whispered, holding her goddaughter tightly as florianna smiled, nodding her head into aj's chest

"mhm, i'm more than alright," she whispered back as aj smiled, closing her eyes tightly, her first tears over lennon's death finally slipping down her cheeks after being so strong for the gubler's

this then made florianna hug aj more tighter which caused aj to start crying even more. thankfully, her crying wasn't loud but florianna could tell even thought it was silent that aj was crying and it pained her that her godmother had held back these tears for so long because she didn't want to seem weak whilst comforting her and her father.

"now, i'll ask you, aj, are you okay?" florianna whispered softly to her godmother as they remained in their close hug as matthew watched his daughter and the godmother of his daughter from afar, his arms crossed with teary eyes and a proud smile on his face for the utter strength of his daughter

"in time," aj sniffled quietly as florianna nodded her head in agreement

"in time," florianna repeated because it was true

everything was going to get better, in time.

- - -

ok, this was so unfair of me but i just love writing sad things and my newest obsessions are aaron tveit and matthew gray gubler so please deal with these new instalments of utter destruction :)

ily xx

word count; 5775

#in time #matthew gray gubler my beloved #aj cook #shemar moore #joe mantenga #mia mantenga #paget brewester #criminal minds cast #angst

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amberjazmyn · 1 year ago

Text

matthew gray gubler one-shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - ghost of you

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - really sad, loads of crying, like super depresso espresso, flashbacks, ofc lennon gubler, daughter of lennon's from a previous relationship when lennon was a young teenager, and some more crying

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - based on 5sos's "ghost of you", instead of a break-up, it will be the suicide of lennon and matthew gray gubler's 25yo daughter, carmella rose and each verse will tell a story of how the gubler and criminal minds family deal with the loss of their daughter and niece.

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - i remembered i had written this in a different book so i wanted to rewrite it for this one! so i'm sorry that it's another depressing one. as always, flashbacks are italics, lyrics is bold italics and everything else is normal font.

masterlist

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here i am waking up, still can't sleep on your side. there's your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time. if i can dream long enough, you'd tell me i'd be just fine. i'll be just fine.

rhiannon gubler finally peeled open her eyes from her restless three-hour sleep, still not able to sleep on the side of the bed she used to share with her older adult sister, carmella, in their shared bedroom at their l.a house that they lived in with their criminal minds uncles and aunties. she couldn't even look at that side of the bed without getting flashbacks of that night that was coming up to four months ago now. a frown instantly came to her face, just like every other morning when her eyes met with her coffee cup, her bright red lipstick stain still there, unmoved, just even more faded than it was the day before. then, she tried to close her eyes again just to back into this dream where she was being told she'd be just fine.

"...rhi, you need to wake up sweetheart," matthew, rhiannon and carmella's dad whispered softly as he held florianne, the third daughter of matthew and lennon gubler as an annoyed groan came out of rhiannon's mouth as she reluctantly got up

"fine..." rhiannon mumbles and grumbles, staring down at the shirt that was laying in front of her, just hoping that telepathically the shirt would just come to her so she didn't have to move any more than she already had done

matthew however, somehow, got the hint from his newly turned teenage daughter and chucked it to her so rhiannon wouldn't have to move any further.

"...there ya go, rhirhi," matthew spoke soft, smiling sympathetically at his second daughter, knowing today was going to be a really hard day for her

"thanks daddy, i'll be down in a couple, just give me a sec," rhiannon spoke lowly after taking a huge gulp of water, matthew nodding his head and taking that as his cue to leave with florianne so rhiannon could have that second on her own before joining the rest of her family downstairs

just as rhiannon was about to walk downstairs to start her long but hard day with her family, she walked past a photo that was of her and her sister from years ago, when rhiannon was a toddler and when carmella was at least seventeen. it took the now sixteen-year-old a second to recognise that it was of the two of them but as soon as she caught eyes with it, she was brought right back to that day of the photo being taken. even if she was only five years old at the time, it was still a photo that had a memorable story attached to it.

flashback : nine years ago

"...RHIANNON STOP!" carmella, the eldest gubler daughter's contagious laughter and squeals filled out the lounge room as rhiannon, the second gubler daughter chased her throughout the room

carmella weaved through her uncle shemar, Uncle thomas, dad, mom and aunty aj as she tried to get away from her sister, who was still hot on her older sister's tail, both of the girls' laughter ringing through everyone's ears making everyone all laugh and smile

"NEVER!" rhiannon yells out before bursting out into laughter as she had accidentally run into grandpa joe who also started bursting out into laughter

"WHAT DID YOU...rhi, you silly little goose!" carmella abruptly stopped running to turn around to see what had happened, bursting out into even more laughter as she noticed the look on grandpa joe's face and rhi's as carmella placed her hands on her knees as she tried to calm herself down from her laughing fit

however, due to carmella's paused position, it gave little rhiannon the upper hand and she took that opportunity to ram her older sister onto the couch for some cuddles so she could attack her seventeen-year-old sister - the one thing five-year-old rhiannon has been trying to do all morning.

"---CARMELLA, WATCH OUT!" uncle shemar suddenly called out, carmella shooting her uncle the death stare as carmella looks at her four-year-old pocket rocket sister, fear in her teenage eyes as rhiannon jumps onto carmella, the both of them falling onto the couch behind them

"what the--holy crap, rhiannon grace!" carmella squealed as she was finally pinned to the couch as rhiannon started to attack her older sister with cuddles, squishing her cheeks, poking her face as the two sisters started to laugh at the sudden attack of little rhiannon

matthew, the father of the two girls suddenly called out for them to look at him. they do as their told only to see that a photo was being taken which made the two girls giggle after the photo had been taken.

"really, dad? you wanted a photo of rhi and me?" carmella chuckled sarcastically, like the teenager she was as matthew giggled as rhiannon had since fallen asleep on her sister

"i always do caramel, what's wrong with that?" matthew matches his eldest daughter's sass by using a very old nickname, caramel, which was used when people couldn't pronounce carmella's name right - which in turn got matthew an eye-roll reaction from his daughter

"nothing daddio just, why did you have to wait until after rhi attacked me, you could've stopped her!" carmella giggled as she didn't dare move as her rhirhi still remained sleeping on big sister's chest

"why would i want to stop the joyful laughter of my two daughters? doesn't that sound a bit silly to do when the both of you are having that much fun?" matthew crossed his arms, acting all sassy as carmella giggled and rolled her eyes again as she very lovingly watched the way her rhirhi slept so soundly on her chest

"i guess you're right, it's not very often it happens now that i'm seventeen and spending less and less time with you guys cause of school..." carmella trailed off as matthew nodded his head, taking the free spot that was next to his daughters as carmella smiled - matthew had shown her the photo of her and rhiannon

present-day : rhiannon's pov

i didn't even notice i was even crying until i licked my lips when i lifted my hand up to my face to wipe the remaining tears off my cheeks. i placed the photo frame of me and carmella back down and walked past a mirror. and, sure enough, my entire face was red, puffy and it was obvious i had been crying. i quickly rushed off into the bathroom to wash my face to see if the red and puffiness would subside so mom, dad and florianne wouldn't be able to see that i had been crying. however, just like my tears, i didn't even notice mekhai, my cousin, coming into the bathroom to check up on me until i felt his comforting hand on my back and his small, soft words of comfort despite the fact he was two years younger than me, at thirteen.

"...hey, rhi, you okay cuz?"mehkai whispered softly as i turned around to face my little cousin

"does it look like it...i...i am so sorry mehkai, i shouldn't have--"

"--it's fine cuz, come on, let's sit in the hallway for a bit?"mehkai questioned softly, holding his hand out for me to hold as i smiled, taking his hand in mine we then sat in the hallway floor that had recently been vacuumed

mehkai and i sat in silence for a little while before we started to talk again. the silence, however, was comforting almost since it wasn't just me that had lost my sister. florianne, our younger sister and my criminal minds cousins, like mehkai, had also lost carmella as well, so when mehkai spoke up again, it was strange.

"you ready to go back downstairs to see everyone?"mehkai was soft and careful with his choice of words and i was thankful for that

the context of mehkai's question is that, since we lost carmella four months ago, every second day of every second week, a group of our family would come over to regularly check in on us and the extended criminal minds family since the whole lot of us lived together between a house in los angeles and one in las vegas every week. and this week, it was dad's family that was coming to visit us at our house in las vegas and i was not looking forward to it. the only people i like in dad's immediate family are obviously my grandparents, grandpa john, granny marilyn and my dad's siblings, aunty laura and uncle gray and their partners and kids but no one else. despite that fact though, even the people on dad's side that i didn't like were coming and i was not looking forward to it at all.

"i mean...i guess but, no, not really. the last time we saw those other guys were when we were like, what, seven and six? why is it that we have to see them again now after carmella's died?" i trail off of my question, swallowing the lump resting in my throat as mehkai rubbed my back

"i know rhi but, we'll be able to get through it, i promise, just ignore them as you've always done and just don't pay them any mind," mehkai shrugged with a hopeful look in his eyes as i nodded my head - ignoring my entire family and paying them no mind has been the thing i've been doing since carmella's death so, that should be easy enough

so i drown it out like i always do

matthew, lennon and the rest of the family (gubler and extended criminal minds family) watched uneasily as rhiannon had finally come downstairs to see matthew's side of the family as she sat on the couch. completely disassociated from the conversations going on after she had given hugs to her parents, grandpa john and granny marilyn and her aunties and uncles. even though the conversations were asking about how rhiannon was holding up since it had been four months since carmella's passing, not once did the teenager respond.

"---so, matthew, how is rhiannon doing in regard to the loss of carmella? i mean, it's obviously devastating but, how is she really?" one of matthew's mom's sisters judith, just called out as a pin drop could suddenly be heard from everyone as they all lifted their heads to look at the older lady who was littered with wrinkles and freckles -rhiannon even lifted her head to look at her aunty once removed

thankfully, matthew was able to compose himself quickly enough and spoke up on behalf of his now eldest daughter. answering his aunty's deplorable and outright senseless question about his daughter.

"she's doing the best she can judith, what in the right mind makes you say that out loud though? she's a fif...sixteen-year-old girl who has just gone through a devastating loss alongside the rest of her siblings, who is six and her cousins who are also around that age!" matthew refused to even believe that his aunt judith would ask such a question about his daughter

"i...i'm sorry matthew, i...i was just curious and concerned about my niece, i...i don't understand--"

"--she's barely even your niece, this is the first time you've seen her since she was a baby so shut up," laura, matthew's older sister then speaks up in defence of her younger brother which caused the lounge room to stifle their laughter at laura's ruthless yet nonchalant comment to her aunty

"okay then..." judith trailed off as she then quietened down, lowering herself in her seat, bringing her glass of wine closer to her mouth so she'd know to stop talking and stay like that

"...that's what i thought!" laura snarled as she gave her younger brother, sister-in-law and niece a comforting hug as rhiannon barely reacted which everyone noticed, including judith but didn't say anything about it

"who really cares about how i feel anyway, no one even tries to care anymore..." for the first time in what felt like forever, rhiannon speaks up only to then get up off of the couch that she sat with mehkai, pheonix and florianne on before storming away

this broke matthew's heart along with lennon's, and the rest of the criminal minds family's. maybe it truly wasn't the right time to be talking about rhiannon and bringing her up in these conversations if she still felt as though her feelings weren't cared about. which, of course, they were, but maybe not in the best way in an accidental way of just wanting to see rhiannon again and not have her stuck in her room all the time.

florianne's pov

my heart sank and broke as i saw the way my older sister rhiannon refused to eat or drink anything anymore. i used to think it was her just feeling unwell as, when i don't feel well, i struggle to eat too but, because it's now constantly happening, it's no longer a joke or her being sick anymore. she doesn't even sit with me, mommy, daddy and the other cousins at dinner anymore. we were currently in our los angeles house again for the week and i knew that rhiannon wanted to go home. i did too in all honesty even though our los angeles house was also ours because we do come here every other week when we're not at our home in las vegas.

"...florianne, why are you here princess? shouldn't you be with mommy, daddy and your cousins in the lounge room with the rest of the family?" rhiannon's hoarse voice spoke as she stared out into nothing and i shook my head

"nah-uh, it was boring and aunty laura and uncle gray were trying to kick judith out for talking smack about you. besides, i don't like it when you're sad so i wanted to make you happy again," i spoke softly as rhiannon looked up at me and for a split second, she kind of looked happy before her eyes cast back down again

"well, thanks for trying to check in on me florianne but, i'm fine, princess. you should head back into the lounge room though before mommy and daddy wonder where you are..." rhiannon trailed off as she played with her fingers making me sigh, shaking my head - yes, i'm six but that doesn't mean i'm stupid by any means

"...rhiannon, we get you're upset, we all are but, you've got to do more than just not eat and ignore what happened. please, for your own good!" i beg just like any six-year-old begs as rhiannon sighs loudly and bites her lip

"i'm trying florianne, princess, i really am. it's just easier to drown it out by not eating anything and pretending that nothing wrong happened, ya know?" rhiannon whimpers at the end, my eyes widen and with all the strength i had considering i'm smaller than rhi, i pull her in for a hug without hesitation as she starts to cry

"ssh, it's okay rhi. we deal with things differently but not eating anything is not okay, it's not safe, okay?" i say softly, rhiannon nodding her head on my shoulder as i smile softly

"i wanna go home, home," she whispered as my heart broke for my older sister and i nodded my head, agreeing despite how we both loved living in our house in los angeles as well, i also wanted to go home, home

matthew's pov

dancing through our house with the ghost of you and i chase it down, with a shot of truth. dancing through our house with the ghost of you.

lennon, rhiannon, florianne and i were back at our home in las vegas after being in our los angeles house for a week like always with the rest of the criminal minds family. we were all now coddled up on the couch watching home videos of when we were a family from when it was just lennon, me and carmella, to when it was lennon, me, carmella and rhiannon, to when it was lennon, me, carmella, rhiannon and florianne to what it is now with the criminal minds cousins. the majority of the videos we were watching now were of when it was just lennon, me and carmella with a couple including a baby rhiannon which started to bring back a lot of so many old memories that should be making us upset but doing the complete opposite. for florianne, she was finally seeing videos and photos of her older sister carmella and some of rhiannon when they were her age and younger.

"...this is so sweet daddy..." rhiannon mumbles as she saw a video of when she and carmella met for the first time after rhiannon had just been born, florianne also looks at the video of her two older sisters in awe

"...isn't it, rhiannon?" i smiled at my sixteen-year-old as my six-year-old also seemed shocked at seeing their older sister carmella look so young while rhiannon looked even younger as she had just been born

"do you have any more videos of me as a baby with carmella?" rhiannon then questions as she looks up at me as i smile and bit my lip, lennon rubs my back as i give her a small smile

"uh...yea-yeah, there is more but, i think they are at the house in los angeles with uncle nathan and aunty aj because they wanted to show them to mehkai and pheonix but also because there are also videos on there of carmella with your cousins when they were all born as well, or they could be with aunty laura, or even uncle gray," i responded as rhiannon's eyes sparkled almost like they used to

"well, i know we don't see uncle nathan and aunty aj and the boys until...next week or-or the week after that but, could we possibly drive over and watch those videos with them?" rhiannon then asks as florianne also seemed to like that idea and agreed with her older sister as i chuckled breathlessly

"i don't know rhi, it is a personal moment for them but, i can still text uncle nathan, uncle gray and aunty laura and ask but if they say no, you gotta respect that okay you two?" i spoke sternly but still lovingly, the both of them nodding their heads as i smiled - my girls were perfection as i grabbed my phone from my pocket and texted the group chat i had with my siblings and the extended criminal minds family

within seconds of texting the group chat as another video of carmella with her sisters and cousins played on our tv, i had gotten a response back. both gray and laura (sister) had said that they didn't have the videos and nathan responded by saying that he and aj did at their las vegas house just across the road, reminding me that the andersens had travelled up those two hours from los angeles to be in their vegas house for this week and that it was completely okay for the gubler girls to come over to see the rest of the home movies of their sister carmella. i smiled at the responses and thanked my brother and sister and then let nathan know that the girls would be three minutes.

"well, daddy, have uncles responded yet?" florianne speaks up for the first time as i giggle at my youngest daughter

"yes, they have florianne and, whilst uncle gray and aunty laura don't have them, thankfully, uncle nathan does have them and they are just down the road visiting vegas for the week so we are allowed to watch the rest of the home videos of carmella with them. i told them we'll be there in three so, we better be quick, rhiannon, you think you'd be able to get socks and shoes on florianne in a minute?" i challenged rhiannon as she nodded her head, rushing over to the foyer to grab them as i just laughed at how quick, like carmella, my little rhi was

"did you seriously think i had stopped being fast all of a sudden?" rhiannon quips as she comes back from the foyer with florianne's socks and shoes, as well as a pair of everlast slides for herself as i giggle, kissing the top of her head as i run to grab mine

"no, i didn't, cheeky bugger!" i giggle, shaking my head as lennon also laughs at our eldest daughter

getting ready in a minute and a half, we were out the door and on our short walk over to nathan and aj's las vegas house where the cousins, mehkai and pheonix awaited rhiannon and florianne so they could all bunch up on the couch cuddling together.

by the time aj had led us into the house, rhiannon and florianne were already rushing to the couch to cuddle with mehkai and pheonix as i laughed, hugging aj and then nathan who had gotten up from the couch.

"aren't they just a little bit excited and we saw them a few days ago," nathan laughed as we pulled out of our hug and i nodded my head

"i know right, besides, thank you so much for letting them see the rest of carmella's videos, nathan and aj. i completely forgot you were in vegas this week. even though the majority of these videos are of carmella with mehkai and pheonix, i know how badly they both, rhiannon especially, want to watch them. especially since rhi was so entranced by the video of her and carmella first meeting each other after she was born..." i trailed off as they both nodded their heads understandingly

"...oh, don't even need to thank us matthew, it's their sister, they'll always be welcome to come over to watch them throughout the week whenever they feel the need to," aj spoke up this time, giving me a small wink and nudge, nathan then giving me the same look as i chuckled and nodded my head as the four of us, nathan, aj, me and lennon moved into the lounge room where the kids were already waiting to watch the videos as a video was already paused ready to be watched

two hours later after watching videos of carmella, majority of them with the andersen boys, i could tell that my girls were starting to get tired, none more so than rhiannon. the last one was halfway through when i had picked up rhiannon, deciding that it was time to take them home to put them to bed. despite the fact that rhiannon was a teenager, i still picked her up as she was still relatively light whilst lennon grabbed florianne, nathan pausing the video to say goodbye.

nathan's pov

matthew and lennon were halfway home when as i watched them on the few-minute walk back to theirs that rhiannon was starting to stir in her dad's arms. that was when i decided i'd follow after them as aj, agreed to put our boys up to bed. it seemed as if whilst florianne was fast asleep, rhiannon was starting to wake up again on the walk back. the five of us had walked into the gubler household when lennon had placed florianne down as she then grabbed the three adults a drink of beer. that was until rhiannon was fully awake after matthew had placed her on the couch.

"daddy, get up!" rhiannon suddenly says enthusiastically as i am taken aback with confusion

"why rhiannon? i thought you were tired, besides, uncle nathan's here to have a beer with mom and me!" i giggle as i watch matthew put his beer down anyway and walk over to his daughter, grabbing her hands as rhiannon then offers an explanation

"i wanna dance daddy, please?" rhiannon mumbled out, her cute puppy eyes that either me or her dad taught her making butterflies flutter inside our tummies

"why do you wanna dance rhi? it's getting late, theoretically, we should all be going to sleep right now," matthew spoke as i chuckled quietly as rhiannon's mood had seemingly crashed instantly before speaking again

"the last four months, when everyone else or whoever else was here would go to sleep, i would stay awake, down here for however long and just dance alongside the videos we'd watch of carmella dancing as if it was normal and like she was still here. i-i would then, harm myself, clean it all up, patch myself up and then crawl back upstairs to my room to cry myself back to sleep. only to semi-repeat the routine over again the next day when it got really scary one day as some mornings i'd accidentally cut too deeply until mehkai or even sometimes florianne would shake me awake after finding me collapsed on the kitchen floor..." rhiannon's voice wavers at the end as we all notice her getting teary-eyed

i watched as matthew shuffled himself closer to his daughter as they swayed side to side as he pulled her in for a hug, holding her tightly so that she knew she was safe.

"...oh, princess...baby, is this the first time you're telling this to anyone?" lennon and i gasp quietly as we hear rhiannon mutter a "yes" on matthew's shoulder as he rubbed her back

"you need to tell your criminal minds uncles and aunties babe. i mean, when was the last time you cut yourself?" matthew asked worriedly, he had no clue that his daughter had even started self-harming let alone had the thought to go through with it

"i-i don't remember, last week maybe?" rhiannon trailed off as her voice got caught in her throat, she was about to cry again and my heart broke

"can you show me the scars baby?" matthew whispered as rhiannon nodded, lifting up her hoodie which uncovered red patches of semi-infected scars as well as ones that had seemingly healed as matthew's breath got caught in his throat

"babe, you need to stop with the self-harming, it's not going to fix anything, okay?" matthew pleaded as he let the hoodie cover rhiannon's lower body again as she nodded her head in agreement

"i'll try my hardest," rhiannon muttered as matthew solemnly smiled as did i as matthew kissed her head

we then all danced for five more minutes before we were so tired that we fell asleep on the couch. obviously not making it back home, i texted aj in advance, letting her know about the situation and she understood perfectly.

cleaning up today, found that old zeppelin shirt you wore when you ran away, and no one could feel your hurt.

due to rhiannon and the kids having to go back to school but rhiannon not really in the mood, we decided to bring her with us for some reshoots that the criminal minds cast was doing in los angeles whilst the other kids were all at matthew and lennon's house homeschooling them with a tutor, except for florianne who went into her school. however, i decided to stay back and help clean around the gubler household and in particular, rhiannon and carmella's shared room which had been untouched for way too long since i had no reason to be on the criminal minds set. knowing that they, as a family, had handled their grief differently than me and my family did and didn't clean up after themselves, i thought it would be a great way for me to also loosen up but in a productive way.

it wasn't until i walked into carmella's part of the room (rhiannon and carmella slept in the same bed but had different sides of the bedroom) that i could really sense that rhiannon was still very much grieving four months on. carmella's side of the room was absolutely trashed, and last time i was here, it was as clean as clean could be considering a fifteen and twenty-four-year-old shared this room together. this then gave the thought that, this mess must have happened recently and that it couldn't have been florianne or my two boys as this mess was done in a way that wasn't made by a six-year-old or two boys. giving me the hint that it was rhiannon that had made the mess as she had calculated it perfectly. rhiannon was the closest to carmella, they were the two eldest despite the fact that carmella was thirteen when rhiannon was born and were sisters from different fathers, those two were like two peas in a pod, they got along so well. they barely ever fought which is why matthew and lennon made the collective decision alongside the two girls that they'd share a bedroom until they decided that they wanted their own rooms once carmella got into her late teen years and early adult years.

however, it seemed as if they loved sharing a bedroom together so they never got their own separate rooms. so, when carmella died, it was the worst for rhiannon. of course, gia was devastated but, she's still a kid, being only six years old, it's harder for her to understand what was happening especially considering by the time she was born, carmella was in her early young adult years and should have been in the stage of her life where she wasn't always at home with her family even though she had major age gaps between both siblings but she was home and always with her sisters. everyone just knew that rhiannon had a harder time coming to terms with carmella's death than florianne did because one, she was old enough to really understand what was going on and two, she realistically spent the most time with their older sister since they shared a room together and no one, even florianne found it offensive.

after about a good hour or so, everything on carmella's side of the room had been restored and cleaned by me to my satisfaction and what i hoped would be rhiannon's. everything except carmella's wardrobe. which seemed like it had been completely untouched due to her wardrobe door being closed. but, when i opened it, it absolutely shocked me that all the clothes came toppling out of her wardrobe onto the floor in front of me. the main item of clothing i noticed was the led zeppelin shirt that, she, carmella, was wearing the day she ran away and then later killed herself wearing. i had actually not been aware or told that the police had given back all of the clothes that carmella was wearing on the day but, i can't lie, it gave me some relief to say that they did return the clothes. as since i am carmella's uncle, i hadn't seen this shirt in what felt like ages and it brought tears to my eyes just looking at it and seeing it without all the blood that had previously been on it. it was pristine and clean yet it still smelt completely like my niece, as if she never left.

"...uncle nathan...i'm...home..." rhiannon's voice rang through the upstairs level but stopped when she realised where i was

"...you didn't tell me that the police had given you her clothes back...the shirt's clean..." i whisper as tears stream down my cheeks as i hand my niece the clean zeppelin shirt, knowing it meant a deal of a lot more to rhiannon as i watched her face change from confusion to an emotion i wasn't familiar with from her

"...that's because i-i washed it, uncle nathan, i washed it after the police returned it..." rhiannon's voice, which had changed to a small, broken voice struck with grief came out of her mouth, my head tilting in confusion as nicky had now come in after hearing the commotion

"...oh, rhi, babe, you didn't need to do that!" i sniffled, wiping my tears away knowing that it would set rhiannon and her dad off, wrapping her tightly in my grip as matthew watched

"yes, i-i had to uncle nathan. the-the blood everywhere was awful and i-i just needed it to be clean! i couldn't let it rest in her wardrobe knowing that her blood was still all over it," rhiannon softly cries into my shoulder as i brush my fingers through her hair to help calm her down

i had a feeling there was something she still hadn't told her dad and mom about that night four months ago because she was supposedly in her room with my two boys, mehkai and pheonix, her sister florianne and the other cousins but according to frankie, adam's daughter, rhiannon wasn't even anywhere near hers and carmella's room but somewhere else, outside of the house.

"rhi, is there something you're still hiding from your mommy and daddy from the night carmella died?" i spoke carefully and softly, sniffling quietly as rhiannon took in a tearful shaky breath as she nodded her head which worried matthew and i

"ye-yes..." rhiannon trailed off as she started to tell the story, lennon joining us as the three of us were incredibly worried

flashback | four months ago: rhiannon's pov | trigger warning

everyone thought i was playing with mehkai, pheonix, florianne and uncle gray's son, but, in reality, i wasn't. i was on a walk to clear my head when i realised that carmella had turned her life360 off, making me turn back around the path i was walking to run back home to ask uncle adam, who was home from a criminal minds filming session in los angeles with the cast, to ask if he had any idea where carmella was and why she had turned her life360 off. on the run back over, i called carmella, seven times but not once did she pick up, making me run back home even faster.

slamming the door closed as i rushed into the house in los angeles, uncle adam was right up my side in a panic, grabbing the tops of my arms as i breathed heavily

"what's wrong rhi, you nearly woke up florianne and frankie, is everything okay?" uncle adam asked worriedly as i attempted to get my breath back as i held onto uncle adam to keep myself steady

"where-where's carmella? have-have you seen her? she's turned her life360 off when she wasn't supposed to!" i was speaking at what felt like a news reporter who was running out of breath as uncle adam gave me a worried look of confusion

"pardon babe? what did you say?" adam asked with a sorry smile on his face and i gulped and took in another deep breath before asking again

"i said, where's carmella? have you seen her? she turned her life360 off when she wasn't supposed to," i repeated as uncle adam's eyes instantly widened

"umm, i did see her leave but, i reminded her to keep her life360 on and she said she had no plans in turning it off, have you tried calling her?" uncle adam was just as confused as i am as i groaned

"yes, i have! i tried seven times uncle adam! all of them went straight to voicemail and i don't know why or where she is!" i squealed out as i was on the verge of crying, i just wanted to know where my older sister was

"okay, crap, that isn't good babe. okay, rhi, calm down as best as you can, stay here with the kids just in case she comes home and i'll ring matthew and your uncles and the rest of the aunties to let them know. if she does come home, call or text the group chat and everything will be fine, okay?" uncle adam calmly plans as i nodded my head in agreement as i caught my breath

"okay, see you soon uncle adam," i spoke breathlessly as uncle adam ran out of the house, closing the door behind him as i then just anxiously sat back on the couch

florianne, frankie, mehkai, pheonix and the rest of the cousins were all sleeping easy on the floor next to me - as i wished that whilst carmella was okay that i'd get to the level of calm that my sister and cousins were in.

it had been twenty minutes later when the door creaked open. instantly, i calmed down knowing that it was carmella. however, instantly i noticed something wasn't okay, she was unusually quiet and withdrawn.

"carmella, you okay?" i call out quietly but still loud enough that carmella heard me and quiet enough that i didn't wake up the kids

"yeah-yeah, i'm fine, thanks rhi. i'll just be upstairs in the bathroom taking a shower," carmella mumbled as i nodded my head, seemed normal for carmella i guess, she was such a clean freak

"okay. i'm just gonna call uncle adam to let him know you're home," i called back, carmella not responding, just running up the stairs which made me worry

just as i went to call uncle adam, i was startled, just me though, by two loud bangs coming from upstairs. leaving the kids, i ran up the stairs, after making sure that those bangs didn't wake the kids up, as quickly as i could only to be faced with probably my biggest nightmare; carmella covered in her own blood.

"carmella!" i screamed at the top of my lungs, running over to her, just hoping that what i was seeing was only imaginary and that it was like all those crime shows that dad and our uncles and aunties acted in

however, i unlocked my phone and instantly called uncle adam, just hoping he would pick up

uncle adam

"...nics? did you find carm--"

"--call 911 *rhiannon sobs* call 911! she tried to kill herself! please i beg uncle adam, just call 911 and get here as quickly as you can!"

i sob through my phone as i then hear the car door open as uncle adam starts the car up so he could get back home quickly

"rhi-rhiannon, stay on the line rhi! put the phone on speaker and pressurize carmella's bleeding. okay, stay calm and listen to me, stay on the phone with me!"

i struggle to calm down but i try my hardest as i hear uncle adam's voice. he calms his voice down so i can calm down as i gulp and listen to him. i turn my phone to speakerphone, throwing it down in front of me.

i go down onto the floor, grabbing carmella and laying her over my body as i rested my back against the furthest wall from the door. i then put pressure on her bleeding just like i was told to by uncle adam but there was just so much of it that i couldn't seem to figure out where it was coming from.

"rhi, have you done that? are you doing that?"

uncle adam's calm voice comes back as i verbally respond, wiping my tears with my shoulder as i was getting covered in the blood very quickly

"yes, i-i have. uncle adam *sobs* there is so much blood, please-please hurry!"

i whimper, another rough sob leaving my mouth as i try to figure out where the blood was coming from but also trying to make sure that the younger kids weren't hearing this.

"okay-okay, it's okay rhi, calm down babe! i know there's a lot of blood, just calm down. i'm less than a minute away so stay calm and keep on applying pressure. i have also speed-dialled the paramedics and they are less than two minutes away. breathe, stay calm and make sure carmella stays awake. okay, i'm nearly there!"

how uncle adam was staying so calm as this is his niece, is way beyond my knowledge but it was so helpful as i sat on the cold tiled and bloody bathroom floor with my older sister as she bled out onto my lap as i panicked. sobbing in fear that she was probably already dead - hoping to god or jesus or just someone that mehkai, pheonix, florianne, frankie and the other cousins couldn't hear this.

"uncle adam, the-the kids are all downstairs, i-i don't know if they can hear this or not! i-i don't w want them to! what do i do about them?!" i panic, sobbing into my shoulder again as uncle adam breathes before responding

"as bad as it sounds babe, don't worry about them, your main focus is keeping carmella awake and her eyes open. do not let your sister close her eyes. i'm getting out of the car now and i'll deal with the kids and frankie when i get there. just focus on your older sister sweetheart!"

uncle adam spoke calmly again as i mumbled a "yes", completely forgetting about my sister and cousins and just focusing all my attention on carmella

and, just like uncle adam promised, less than a minute later he had come running into the house, alongside uncle shemar, straight to the bathroom upstairs where carmella and i were.

"rhiannon!" uncle adam calls out, i look up from caressing carmella's hair out of her face as i don't even take into consideration how bloody i looked from my lap upwards

"what-what do i do uncle adam?" i whimper out, carmella's body trembling due to my own body trembling as i breathe shakily

"you've done all you can do babe!" uncle adam whispers as he pulls me up, softly placing carmella down on the floor as he pulls me into his embrace, not caring that i was now getting blood all over him

i then looked up to see that uncle shemar had turned the shower off as i connected the dots. that's why she turned the shower on, she wanted to distract me from hearing her kill herself by thinking she was having a shower...

"she wasn't taking a shower!" i cover my mouth as i loudly sob into uncle adam's embrace as he squeezes me even tighter, also feeling uncle shemar next to uncle adam and me

"ssh, it's gonna be okay rhi, stay calm and breathe babe, breathe!" uncle adam whispers as i whimper

i then notice that uncle shemar had also found what she had used. and out of anything, it was a gun. how did i not hear the gunshot? the shower wasn't even...wait, is that what the first bang was before she hit the floor?

"the paramedics are here! adam, clean you and rhiannon up, while i take the kids into matthew and lennon's office while you then after getting changed, let in the paramedics. after that, keep the kids distracted and i'll stay in here with rhiannon as she was the one to find carmella, understand?" uncle shemar devised as both uncle adam and i just nodded our heads, the both of us getting changed so uncle adam could then distract the kids whilst i stayed here with uncle shemar

i spoke up again, "what-what about mommy and daddy, and uncle nathan, what about the aunties and the other uncles? who's gonna tell them?" i ask breathlessly as uncle shemar looks at me softly

"they've already been called the moment 911 was called, your parents and then nathan are carmella's emergency contacts, which then means that they already know and are on their way home already," uncle shemar explained as i gasped, they couldn't know that it was me that found carmella, that would devastate them even more

"please-please don't tell daddy and mommy or uncle nathan or anyone that it was me that found carmella. even if it means you have to hide my bloodied clothes. they cannot know, it'll devastate them, and they'll think it was my fault!" i panicked as uncle shemar went down to his knees, bringing me down with him, holding my hands tight

"i promise rhiannon, i won't tell dad, mom, uncle nathan or the others, they'll never find your bloodied clothes but they will absolutely not and ever think that it was your fault if you were to ever tell them or if they ever found out on their own, okay?" uncle shemar made me understand as i nodded my head as tears streamed down my cheeks, uncle shemar tried to wipe them away

uncle adam then returned with crispy clean clothes at the right moment as i got changed and then immediately, in my clothes hamper, hid away my bloodied clothes.

then, ten minutes later i was asked to be evaluated by the paramedics and tell them exactly what happened and what i'd heard. absolutely hell on earth. i was in hysterics the entire time and i was just blanking on everything about myself for the patient assessment.

"...rhi-rhiannon, are you okay babe?" daisy, the female paramedic quickly corrected herself as she asked kindly, looking up, a tear streamed down my cheek

"i-i was too late... i could have stopped it from happening... it-it's all my fault," i breathe out, a couple more tears streaming down my cheek as my hands shake

"it's not your fault rhiannon. you just thought that carmella was simply taking a shower. do not blame yourself for your sister's death. there was no way you could have predicted she was going to go through with her act of suicide. no one predicts it, no matter how well you know the person. especially when she's the eldest sibling with younger siblings and cousins in the house," daisy softly responds, giving me a hand to hold as i nod my head

"i-i just wish i was more aware," i gulp as i feel uncle adam and uncle shemar hug me from behind, making me cry even more

"we do too, rhiannon," my two uncles say at the same time as i dig my chin into their embrace across my chest, trying to stop my tears

"dai-daisy, have my parents and other uncles and aunties been called?" i shakily ask as daisy looks up, giving me a soft look

"yes, they all have. obviously, they are a couple of hours away in vegas so it'll take them a few hours to get here but, everyone has been called. and your parents have also been called as uncle adam said earlier. everything is going to be okay, rhiannon, you'll see your parents, uncles and aunties soon. but for now, uncle adam and uncle shemar are gonna take care of you," daisy spoke with a sadned smile as she then left for she had to now take carmella's body and place her onto the stretcher

trigger warning over

matthew, lennon and uncle nathan were shocked and taken aback by the new news that it was their own daughter and niece that had found carmella and was with her in those very last moments of her life those four months ago. it horrified matthew that his second eldest was a witness to what his eldest had done to herself. that it was his fifteen-year-old that was the one covered in his twenty-four year-old's blood. that it was his fifteen-year-old that held and rocked his twenty-four-year-old as she died. that his twenty-four-year-old died in the arms of his fifteen-year-old daughter.

"...i-i'm sorry i didn't tell you, mommy, daddy and uncle nathan. uncle shemar promised me he'd never say anything and i-i just never could say anything and the blood-bloodied clothes are still in my clothes hamper...i-i just got so scared, mommy, daddy, i'm so sorry," rhiannon stuttered out as matthew shook his head as lennon and nathan bit their lips, swallowing down their tears

"please...please don't apologise rhi. i-i am sorry that daddy, mommy and uncle nathan were so far away from you that uncle adam and uncle shemar had to be the ones you needed to call. whilst i am forever grateful to them that they were there to take care of you and help you, it should have been me and mammy. you don't need to apologise for anything baby girl. i am so proud of you and glad that you were the last person your older sister saw and that you also made sure that your siblings and cousins were taken care of and made unaware of everything going on. never apologise about this ever again!" matthew's voice wavered the entire time he spoke as he grabbed his fifteen-year-old daughter, pulling her in for a hug as they both cried, lennon and uncle nathan joining shortly after

liked by matthewgraygubler, lennongubler, nathanandersen, ajcooke and 9923 others

rhiannongracegubler we're too young, too dumb, to know things like love, but i know better now

carmella rose, you were my best friend, in the entire world. i say were and not "is" or "are" and it still confuses and bothers me that i have to use past tense when i speak about you otherwise my english teacher squeals fury and grammar police rules at me. because she says i now have to talk about you in the past because you're no longer with us. i won't lie, when she first told me that, i blew up right in her face in front of the rest of my class and i was sent to detention yet, i didn't get grounded by dad or mom (not even uncle shemar, uncle nathan or aunty aj). if anything, they were proud of me for standing up for our family and for you. i'll always stand up for your name, caramel, even if some people still can't pronounce it correctly and have to call you by that ridiculous nickname of caramel and not carmella. losing you felt almost like i was in that scene of criminal minds in which dr reid's girlfriend had just been killed by the unsub and dr reid was on his knees sobbing, most likely rocking her back and forth just muttering his girlfriend's name and for her to just wake up, and for everything to be okay again. because that's exactly what it was like except, you didn't get shot due to a murder-suicide by diana, the unsub but by the gun that you held in your own hands. if only we were in the world of criminal minds and i could, i would have done everything in my willpower to convince everyone that you just faked your death as emily prentiss did. but, that's not how life works, especially if you take it away from yourself that easily and unethically. whilst i'll never be able to understand why you decided to take a gun to your head whilst our sister and cousins was home along with me, i can't hate you for it. whilst i hate the idealisation of dying at the hands of a gun in your possession, i can't hate you specifically for doing it. because i love you carmella. i love you too much to hate you for killing yourself. there was obviously a reason as to why you did it. and it's valid, i just wish you had told me sooner or given me the letter earlier so even if i did try to convince you otherwise, i would have been better equipped and would have had more knowledge. yet, you still wouldn't have told me because you knew that i was the only person to convince you to stay alive. which isn't what you wanted. you didn't want to stay, you didn't want me to convince you to take that gun away from your head, hence why you made me think you were having a shower when you then shot yourself. you were my older sister carmella, you taught me everything i know. you taught me that the characters daddy and uncle shemar play on the tv and all the unsubs and injuries they get are all fake and that they're okay in real life. it was you that taught me to not be scared to watch daddy get hurt on the tv because he was always going to be sitting right next to me on the couch or over the phone on facetime. you taught me that no matter what, you were never going to leave me even if you were gone physically. i still see and hear you everywhere carmella, my fear has since changed from the monsters on criminal minds to forgetting what you look and sound like. if i ever forgot how you sounded or how beautiful you looked, i don't know if i'd be able to continue. i love you so much carmella, i hope you're looking after all those criminal minds characters and keeping them all in line. daddy, mommy, florianne and i love and miss you every day. love, rhiannon grace gubler 🤍

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matthewgraygubler rhiannon grace gubler, no matter what you say about your older sister, it always makes me cry! this was perfect rhirhi and i'm so proud of you for keeping your older sister alive every chance you can get 🤍

nathanandersen rhi, this killed me and it hasn't stopped killing me. exactly like your dad, any time you talk about carmella, it always makes me cry. you'll never forget how beautiful she was or what she sounded like, i promise, you'll always hear her voice and see her voice somewhere, i can guarantee you 🤍

ajcooke carmella loves you so much, rhi and she is so proud of you! the way you were able to articulate your sister's suicide is beyond anyone my age, let alone yours, you are such an intelligent girl 🤍

so i drown it out like i always do, dancing through our house with the ghost of you

it's now been around seven/eight months since carmella's suicide and i had since turned seventeen and it has started to feel like everything is starting to go back to normal again. the family's stop button has been pressed play again after being on stop for so long. i stopped cutting and self-harming which i'm glad i stopped doing. i stopped pretty much the night that dad, mom and uncle nathan found out but, i still occasionally, every other night, depending on whether we're in los angeles or vegas, go downstairs to watch the home videos of carmella on the tv when i struggle to sleep without her next to me. the way i "drown out" my grief is i no longer ignore it and i actually allow it. i embrace and acknowledge my grief, letting it be until it passes and then i get up, dust myself off and smile and laugh again without feeling guilty about it. even though florianne and my cousins but, florianne in particular, is still six, turning seven in a few months, she was now starting to finally understand carmella's death and why she had done it from the letter that had been written that we showed her. the cousins in the criminal minds family and my biological family were also now starting to finally understand as well. whilst it was hard to tell, especially at how much they all cried, it was healing in a way to explain it to them in the big kid/adult way that it had been explained to me even though i'm still a kid by techical means even at seventeen years old.

"...watching back these videos still shock me at how much of a talented dancer carmella was....i'm shocked she didn't pursue it professionally..." i trailed off as tonight, the family decided that we were going to do an all-nighter of watching the older home videos and some newer ones that had recently been uncovered but having a pass on the dancing ourselves

"...i know, rhi, your sister and cousin was really talented," dad smiled, bitting his lip as all the memories came rushing back, for all of us and different memories too

"do you think she's dancing up there in the sky mommy?" florianne questioned as she cuddled up to mehkai and pheonix who nodded their heads in agreement with their cousin

before mom could respond, i responded instead, "i'm sure she is florianne, mehkai and pheonix. and i think she's finally happy again, no longer needing to fake anything..." i trail off as dad pushes me into him and uncle nathan and i smiled as a group hug had been initiated

"...we love you carmella!" we all mutter and giggle as we continued to watch the videos just like we do every night

and i'll chase it down, with a shot of truth, that my feet don't dance like they did with you.

sure, dancing with my sister florianne, my cousins and dad wasn't the same as dancing with carmella but, it was just as beautiful.

"...carmella would be so proud of how you've recovered in these last seven/eight months. we all are rhiannon, you already went through hell and back with the initial loss of carmella but also with the secret that you had been holding onto the whole time as you were the one that saw everything happen in front of you and was with carmella as she died. yet, you still managed to get back on track and find your happiness again. something you said three months ago, give or take, that you wouldn't even be able to do because you always said you were the happiest with carmella, yet, here we are, sevenish months later and look how happier you are," dad smiled emotionally, wiping a tear of his away as well as one from my own cheek as i can't help but smile at him and the rest of my family

"yeah but, that was only because you guys pointed me in the right direction and didn't give up on me as you promised. i love you so much," i say, a tearful giggle falling out of my mouth as uncle nathan, followed by my sister, cousins and everyone else as they all jump on me

now i understand why you were constantly dancing, carmella. you were dancing with the ghost of your soul that was already dead before you reunited it with the one that was still alive and now, the rest of the family can dance with the completed ghost of you.

- - -

this was a mammoth to rewrite but i genuinely enjoyed writing it which says a lot about me i think considering i write so many depressing one-shots. but, i promise, the next one-shot will be less depressing and more happy and fluffy, i promise.

ok ily bye xx

wc; 10987

#ghost of you #matthew gray gubler my beloved #criminal minds #matthew gray gubler x reader #angst

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