#master of oversharing and bad decisions

[pteapotdactyl]

Oh hey, don’t mind me just commissioning awesome pictures of my precious cinnamon roll d&d character

(Commissioned from EmmaJanesCreations on Etsy https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/826889268/custom-digital-fantasy-portrait?)

[bowiebond]

All superheroes are neurodivergent, and I refuse to believe otherwises. In fact, I will list some of the Marvel heroes I headcanon as ND

Scott Lang: ADHD. He jumps from fixation to fixation, his reoccurring hyperfixation being magic, he speaks out of turn and usually off topic to whatever is currently going on, has poor time management and is impulsive. He also had a strong moral code and will do what he feels is best, ie stealing from the rich. Luis and him get along so well because they’re brains are wired similarly, I’m just saying 👀

Tony Stark: ADHD/AUSTISM. This one is just as obvious as Scott. His special interest is science, he has poor social skills outside of what he’s adopted from others (masking in the form of sunglasses and a celebrity attitude), he doesn’t get social cues, is abrupt and interrupts others when hyperfocused and is know to be very impulsive. He has emotional outbursts when overwhelmed/overstimulated (though he deals with understimulation a lot too IMO), not good with empathising but is shown he can sympathise with others and even show them compassion if he’s close to them. Again, strong sense of justice that fits his own definition (deciding that he should be held responsible for his mistakes in making weapons, Ultron and Sokovia, etc).

Steve Rogers: AUTISM. Strong sense of justice, emotional outbursts, stretchy fabric/layers to avoid oversensitivity 👀, special interests were art and maybe even war/fighting, hard time making friends growing up, relates to others with his own stories when comforting people because that’s the only way he knows how, when he’s not interested in a task he will just leave without justifying it (ie the science exbo) which makes him appear arrogant (and Bucky seems used to Steve just randomly wandering off, probably cause Steve’s done it all throughout their friendship).

Bucky Barnes: ADHD. Poor time management, oversharing, bad with tones (his own and others), always seems confused because he’s almost never paying attention to a situation but instead is instead three topics ahead in his own mind, his hyperfixation in the 40’s in fantasy novels and science (specially mechanics) and he regains those fixations post-HYDRA but catching up on modern day fantasy media & boat mechanics. Makes notes of everything so he doesn’t forget anything, makes impulsive decisions all the time (freeing Zemo, asking Wakanda for new wings, moving in with Sam, etc) and has a (un)healthy dose of rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Sam Wilson: AUTISM. Sam is the ultimate masker but this man has ASD and no one can tell me otherwise. He hates changes to his routine without his consent (ie unable to get rid of the boat, jogs every morning, etc), his special interest is technical engineering (his wings & Redwing), he often jokes at inappropriate times & refuses to apologise unless he feels he was in the wrong. Strong sense of justice, emotionally shuts down when stressed, has many casual friends but very few close friends because he finds it hard to connect with people (he connects with Nat, Steve & Bucky cause they’re all ND, duh).

Natasha Romanoff: AUTISM. Growing up in the red room forced her to be an expert at masking, but whenever she doesn’t seem to be acting ‘appropriately’, she’s shown to be uncaring of social cues, burns out easily, and thrives off routine. Her special interest was probably ballet for a long time before it was ruined for her. She wears tight clothes because she doesn’t like baggy outfits that will brush against her when she’s not expecting it and keeps her hair red because it’s her one constant that makes her feel comfortable and gives her something to focus on when she’s overwhelmed.

Peter Parker: ADHD/AUTISM. Do I really need to explain this one? I feel it’s overly on the nose. Hyperactive, special interest is spiderman, hyperfixation is science and pop culture, socially awkward and talks a little too fast for everyone else to catch up with. He’s the ADHD/ASD combo that slots right in under the wing of Tony.

James Rhodes: AUTISM. Come on. Come on. I just,,, he’s best friends with Tony Stark. He’s wanted to be in the Air Force since he was a kid, he went to MIT and has a Masters in the science of Aerospace Engineering. He’s the voice of reason and always thinks of the obvious conclusions without thought to the moral implications (ie killing baby Thanos) or the emotional process of others (ie Steve crashing into the ocean instead of jumping out of the plane). He’s stubborn and rarely yields to others opinions, even if it puts him under social scrutiny. He spends months looking for Tony when most would assume he was dead (and Rhodey has been shown to be very rational and level headed in everything else) because, honestly, I think Tony is his favourite person.

Bruce Banner: AUTISM. Bad with socialising, off in his own world half the time, ahead of conversations, heavy dose of RSD, jumps to conclusions because he interrupts others, emotional outbursts, special interest in physics (though he does have six other PHDs), etc. I’m also pretty sure he had DID as a kid (Hulk was his alter).

Thor: ADHD. Impulsive, doesn’t like change, poor time management, bouts of depression & anxiety, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, interrupts others, seems dumber than he is due to having no filter from brain to mouth, comfort item is his hammer, personally I think he hyperfixates on Jane Foster because she’s the first human he’s really met which is why the eventual break up isn’t as painful as say Tony’s break with Pepper.

Peter Quill: ADHD. Look I could explain this one, but it’s just his whole vibe. The obsession with old school music and film, the impulsive behaviour, the way he interacts with others, he just gives the vibe.

DC BONUS

BATMAN: AUTISM. Special interest is bats, self isolates, doesn’t get along with others because he’s socially awkward, his mask is Bruce Wayne, lives by a strict moral code, blah blah blah HES OBVIOUSLY AUTISTIC (and so are all the robins send tweet)

Reblog with your own superhero ND headcanons!!

[anemofavored]

for @fatuispolaris continued from x

Scaramouche snorts out a puff of air, not quite laughing but not exactly bitter either. It is not exactly funny, but he almost feels bad for the Eleventh Harbinger--  young, doe-eyed and ignorant. It was no secret that he was the Tsaritsa’s lap dog, pledging his loyalty to her over his own interests and desires. The old Scaramouche found it pathetic. Absolutely weak and unfortunate. Well, it was still unfortunate but for other reasons. Spending time in Sumeru, learning about the people, culture, and emotions, Scaramouche realized many things about himself, the Tsaritsa, and the world overall. He had plenty of time to think about his personal goals and decide what he wanted for himself while he was recovering from his his injury. While he once gave his allegiance to the Tsaritsa, the cryo archon, he no longer wished to serve her, aid in her vision in collecting the visions by sowing unrest. 

Though she was the archon of love, he wondered when the last time she actually loved someone. The Tsaritsa lured Harbingers in to get what she wanted, not to truly create a home for them. Scaramouche didn’t exactly call Buer family, but she’d made him see things more clear and put himself first. He didn’t intend to be a mindless minion doing the bidding of a woman who has long since cursed the world behind a wall of ice. 

“I am no longer the Balladeer. I abandoned that title,” he said, cautious not to make the other erupt with any intense emotion that would call for combat. Scaramouche was not exactly scared of it, but he was still recovering from his injury and had yet to fully master the limits of the vision bestowed upon him by the anemo archon. He was aware of his limits and did not want to deal with another Harbinger when not in his best condition.  

“Look, my decision was made long ago-- I haven’t exactly been with the Fatui because of my allegiance to the Tsaritsa,” he explained, surprising even himself with his outburst. He did not owe the other his words, but he was working out his own thoughts by speaking them aloud. He did have a tendency of oversharing-- though that usually extended to his rude remarks and side comments-- times when he was consumed by emotion. Of course, he wasn’t upset with Childe, but rejecting his title was a step out of his comfort zone-- the false comfort he sought in Snezhnaya. What folly. Maybe the real ignorant one had been him all along.

“I am turning over a new leaf. It’s not personal,” he shrugged, trying to go for casual and unbothered. “I just no longer wish to be your beloved archon’s puppet. Y’know, we all have brains for a reason. I hope during your hunt that you actually practiced using yours. Or did you treat this whole search like a vacation? How irresponsible,” he added, bickering with Childe out of habit. It was almost comforting arguing with his colleagues, no matter how annoying he thought they were. He had known them for years and unfortunately change was never easy even when you have lived for a long time.

“Is this good enough for you?” he asked, not seeking permission but making sure that the younger would leave him be without much conflict. It was unnerving that the other seemed bothered by his choice rather than thrilled at the prospect of battle. 

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Kadokura Toshiyuki

There he is, the tanuki man! Ask box is now OPEN. You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

 Thanks to the omnipresent influence of bad luck, Kadokura has little experience when it comes to love life (yes, we don’t count a marriage which was a complete failure, okay, his wife and daughter ran off), courtship, and romance in general. Those relationships he was involved in never grew in anything serious, and he was often left with nothing but a broken heart so, obviously, when Kadokura starts to notice a flaring interest in anyone, he is confused.

First, what? Second, why? Could it happen in a more convenient time, not when he is hunted by a rabid Superior Private and, potentially, by a dozen more dangerous personalities in Hokkaido? Despite being a complete wreck, Kadokura tries to play it cool. He acts just as unperturbed as always, does not go out of his way to impress his untimely crush because what if they don’t like him at all? Worse! What if they are disgusted with him or something?

Thus the only affection they can expect are endless entertaining conversations, - Kadokura knows a ton of fables and his heart skips a bit when they laugh at yet another story, - and help whenever they may need it. In fact, he is just scared to death that his “luck” will affect them too. Moreover, if it happens, he won’t be able to protect them or play a knight in shining armor since he isn’t that personable, formidable, strong…

Kadokura is a king of pinning and self-doubt so, you know, the only way this relationship can progress anywhere is if his crush takes the initiative. Takes him by the hand, makes some compliments, shows that they care and are interested. The best option would be to just tell him directly what a dumb dummy he is that he can’t notice their green lights.

After that everything becomes much easier: Kadokura slowly steps up his dating game! Sure, it’s a long time from “Wow, your eyelashes are so long. Like cow’s eyelashes” to “Moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” (Note: check out Natsume Soseki to understand the context!) and from chilling by the fire to sitting on the porch of own house but trust the process.

Mostly relies on the way his partner shows their affection and adjusts to them. If they are more about verbal affection, he will put all his efforts into becoming smooth talker, if they are a more physical person, Kadokura will hold them by the hand and hug the shit out of them. Simple as that.

 B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

 The start of this friendship is unpredictable. They had to meet either before Kadokura started to work as a jailor (or they had to be imprisoned in Abashiri lol) or after he joined Hijikata Toshizou. Both options come down to Kadokura getting into some kind of trouble like make another lunatic mad at him and his future best friend, or simply bumping into them on the street, scattering all of the goods they just bought on the road. Kadokura gets under the horse's hooves in an attempt to collect them. Now he needs medical help. Please, help this poor man.

Never initiates anything but if you offer to hang out Kadokura will be down. Again, hanging out with him is a double-edged sword: you may end up in the maelstrom of events that will leave you with a shit ton of crazy stories for grandkids or you may fall onto the ground and lie like a stone telling each other the dumbest puns. Both are good, in my opinion, just be aware of the possibilities.

There are moments when he can't stop complaining about life. Usually, it happens over a shot of sake when Kadokura’s cheeks crimson, long sighs substitute commas in between of lamentations, and the atmosphere becomes more intimate. The prisoners are, of course, very attentive listeners, but you will not get any emotional feedback from them. With freshly made best friend, Kadokura tends to overshare and then profusely apologize for that.

Just like with Hijikata Toshizou, he will stick his neck out for them but won’t expect the same in return. To the point where if he was forced to choose between saving either Hijikata or his best friend, Kadokura will have to commit die instead.

 C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Enjoys being cuddled more than he originally thought. For the first time in a while, his palms are sweating, butterflies are swarming in the stomach, so gentle touch feels almost dazing: Kadokura may even flinch in surprise when they start nuzzling on his shoulder like a cat. Later he finally convinces himself to ease off enough to pull them into an unescapable hug, fall together on the ground and fool around or pull them on his lap and plant few kisses on their cute nose. Doesn’t like spooning because every time he is big spoon three is no way he can keep hands to himself. The temptation is too great, and Kadokura doesn’t even try to resist it.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Why this question?. Who even dreams of a nasty cozy home? Of the disgusting overwhelming feeling of safety with the love of one’s life? Waking up and falling asleep together, sharing all good and bad from day to day? HORRIBLETERRIBLEAWFUL sign Kadokura up. Of course, he wants to settle down. The desire to have a family nest has been growing in his heart for years but until now there was no person to share this dream with. He brings up the idea of living together as soon as it seems more or less appropriate and flies over the moon (at the speed of light) when his partner supports it. Good at cooking but sucks at cleaning.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Classical breakup with “It’s not you, it’s me” line in it. Kadokura will not break up with his partner until all possible methods of saving relationships have been tried out: this is one of the most difficult decisions in his life ever and fucking up something that can be saved would be idiotic. He has doubts until the last second of course. Scratching the back of his head awkwardly and dejectedly avoiding their gaze, Kadokura tries to get to the point but his speech is interrupted by endless ummms and ughs. In the end, he feels as awful as they do, guilty and somewhat ashamed, so after making sure they are not going to do anything stupid, Kadokura flees.

There is not a lot to say besides that Kadokura clearly understands how hard it is to be left (and usually that’s how breakup feels like you were left on the side of the road) so he tries to be delicate. Checks up on them from time to time by sending long letters with detailed descriptions of his misadventures.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He is no longer at an age when postponing a wedding is almost a matter of course but, at the same time, Kadokura is held back by the fear that this marriage will end like a previous one. Is he legally divorced at all?... Anyway, Kadokura is torn between proposing on the first anniversary and waiting an unknown amount of time until they bring up this question. Dreams of a small wedding with one or two guests from both sides so they are not obligated to be too serious and constrained with traditions. Kirawus has to be one of the guests, he cries at the sight of happy butthole peeker Kadokura.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Ayyy, he is the type of man who lets his hand go numb but won’t move it to not disturb his loved one’s sleep. Kadokura is way more gentle than any of the ex-soldiers, both physically and emotionally but his attempts to show it often come off as kind of awkward and malapropos. Do not let it upset you: Kadokura is a master in turning everything into a good joke and laughing at small inconveniences. He is the one to apologize first after the big argument, the one to offer a big hug after a bad day, the one to sit beside and listen to the emotional rent without giving even one unnecessary comment.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Whenever his loved one wants, Kadokura will be there with arms outstretched to the sides, ready to give them the tightest hugs. He likes to gently rub their back at the same time or nuzzle against their neck but is hesitant if there are any onlookers.

In family life, he has no problem with randomly running up to his loved one for a hug. Really, Kadokura is a sucker for unexpected back hugs where he can put hands on the partner’s waist and press them into his body, deliberately distracting them from housework.

You can easily tell Kadokura is having a rough day when he slips from usually coveted embraces: it is an unconscious trick to fish out a double portion of physical affection from his loved one.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Pretty fast compared to others. Half of the year, maybe? It has to be obvious you love a person by that time or so Kadokura thinks. He is not afraid to be misunderstood since by the time confession is ready to slip from his tongue, Kadokura already has planned a whole paragraph ahead of all questions: if they are not ready to say it back that’s fine, if they don’t feel the same right now or in general that’s fine if they need space to think about that’s fine. Everything is fine with Kadokura, he just wants to convey the idea that they are irreplaceable and make him feel like no one did before.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

A definition of confusion in all scenarios since he can’t clearly understand his own emotions. Is it a disappointment? If it is anger, it’s greatly diminished by a feeling of worthlessness. If they are being hit on, Kadokura sees himself as a rather weak opponent but picks himself up and stands next to a partner, gently taking them by the hand, and asks them if everything is alright. If the rival is excessively pushy, Kadokura will let out a heavy sigh before getting into a fight because no way he will let any bastard hurt his loved one. Needs to be patched up after the fight. Can’t stop smiling like a fool when they wipe the blood abundantly oozing from a broken nose. It’s good for his ego.

If they decided to flirt with anyone, Kadokura chokes on his own saliva. Like. What. This is so humiliating. He wants the ground open to swallow him up, along with all his stupid feelings for them, which, apparently, mean nothing. Needs a lot of space to cool down and has a hard time confronting them about the situation. Kadokura is more comfortable with repressing this unpleasant memory than sorting things out.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

With Kadokura every kiss is just like the first one in the best sense of the word: his kisses are gentle, warm, not too sloppy, not too dry, not priestly prude, and not teenagerly aggressive. Although he has a funny (or annoying, it is not for everyone) habit: sometimes he decides to smooch them in the middle of talking just because. If they scold him for that he just laughs it off and plants a hundred more kisses on their poppy-red face.

Loves to kiss his partner on temples and lips but, honestly, as long as it’s them Kadokura will kiss them whenever, from the top of the head to the tip of their pinky toes, literally. Prefers to be kissed on the lips too but also on the neck, chest, and belly.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

First of all, Kadokura loves children with his whole heart. Second of all, kids love Kadokura like no other babysitter. Put them together in one room and watch them vibe. Honestly, he is naturally good around little ones, it looks like he was born with a talent to keep up with those fidgets. If his child is struggling with any school subject, Kadokura will spend the evening with them, helping them to understand a difficult concept. Even if he doesn’t understand it himself, nothing can stop Kadokura from dive into books, teach himself, and then explain learned stuff to kids. Absolutely amusing when he babytalks. Wants three or four children but still has a fear of being a bad father (unreasonably!).

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Lazy as mornings can be. No one hurries to jump out of the bed to get down to business, and the house stays silent until late noon. After waking up, Kadokura languidly sits up in the sheets, yawns, and curls up back to his partner, spending another few hours snoozing in their warmth.

Eh, it feels like Kadokura is the type of person that is awfully quiet in the morning. It is easier for him to convey his thought with gestures than to start moving his tongue. Well, except when it comes to kisses. He doesn't mind spending some energy on that.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Nights are calm and cozy. They are pretty much normal, usually spent at home since it is nearly impossible to drag Kadokura anywhere after 6 p.m. On especially good days, he can surprise his partner with simple but delicious food: unusual gourmet dishes of the Michelin 3-star restaurant level aren’t his forte but miso soup made with unconditional love is definitely his signature dish.

Fond of playing games with his loved one despite losing 9 times out of 10. They have lost more than five dices already but Kadokura keeps buying new sets, of higher quality and higher price. After the game is finished, Kadokura or his partner thinks up a challenge for the loser like cook for a week or call the winner one specific word for a day so they can have more fun.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

 They have to become his friend before Kadokura starts to reveal more info than the one that is known to everyone in the area. By the way, a good indicator of closeness is the ability to laugh together: look at his relationship with Kirawus, that is just the right level to open up. Takes things slowly, expects another person to share as much as he does. Kadokura is very particular when it comes to the innermost and knows how to keep secrets, so he makes it clear from the very beginning it’s okay to speak their mind, ask for advice, etc. As stated before, tends to overshare after having too much sake.

 P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

The patient isn’t the right word, resigned is. There is nothing in this world that can surprise him: Kadokura had to deal with the most terrible scumbags imaginable, serve as bait for a killer (and face another person who wanted his death even more than the aforementioned killer!), freeze his ass off while standing on the thin ice with a knife between his rimed buttocks. Like, the peak of life’s evil tomfoolery is reached. Kadokura is prepared to face anything and everything and is relieved every time it’s not a near-death experience or bloodthirsty wild animal.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

It depends on how stars align on each separate day. Today he remembers 99,9% of what his loved one said and the next day not a single word reaches his brain cells. Kadokura is way more focused on feelings and emotions he experiences together with his partner so it is not uncommon for him to remember they were uncontrollably laughing but were cold than that they fell in the river because he was rocking the boat. It works the same with negative emotions: Kadokura somehow feels he should lock the dog even though he has no clear memory that his loved one is afraid of them. Why did I do it? I don’t know, gut’s feeling.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

A first kiss for sure! After a long lull in personal life, the first kiss with a new person awakens a whole storm of emotions in him. Kadokura feels like he is eighteen again, he just crossed the doorstep of adulthood and discovered the delight of the first relationship. This joy is enough to take away his speech for a minute: months later this moment makes him wince in disbelief of how silly he must have looked with eyes wide-opened and jaw hanging low. After that, he still had the courage to ask “oh so does it mean we are the thing now? Like the real thing?”. No, Kadokura spent the next week wondering if this was a feverish dream despite given a positive answer.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Do you want to live? Run then! Use the Joseph Joestar’s famous plan and strategically retreat because his brain needs some time to come up with a plan. Kadokura obviously wants to keep his loved one safe and sound, who doesn’t, but it is not that easy. He gives them a gun or knife to protect themself in the moment of danger since, chances are, Kadokura himself will be in even deeper troubles, millimeters away from swiftly bayonet sending him straight to heaven.

Relies mostly on keeping them as far from the battle scene as possible. Even if they handle a gun better than he does, Kadokura actively protests in every possible way and convinces them to stay somewhere safe: he knows for sure if they get injured, he will be the one to blame, and if something irreversible happens, he won’t be live on without a heavy burden of guilt.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Despite the lack of ample opportunities to show his love inexpensive or exquisite ways, Kadokura tries his best to impress his loved one. He is ready to change himself and change his life as well to be worthy of their company. A little more effort to get out of bed and shave this mess off the neck, even more effort to buy a new suit for their dinner date out, every drop of effort to accept his awkwardness and let things go with the flow. Anniversaries are treated the same way: if possible, in summer Kadokura will plan a trip to the South coast where they can enjoy loneliness together to the sound of waves breaking on the rocky shore. In winter, he will certainly try to create an extra festive and cozy atmosphere at home, cooking their favorite food, and making an excessive amount of tea. We are talking about the level at which the kettle is never empty. Relatively diligent in the everyday task but no powers in the world will force him to clean up like a normal man.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

“A wilted, uninspired middle-aged dude” he is, and it affects how Kadokura perceives himself more than you think. In turn, this perception seeps into his life as self-doubt, self-deprecating jokes, and hesitation in making important decisions. At the same time, if you point out this flaw to him, Kadokura will sulk. You would think he has to know better but no.

Unmotivated and has a hard time opening up to new experiences like learning new skills or finding new hobbies. Not as much as Kikuta, but Kadokura also has a habit of doing as he did twenty years ago even if the consequences did not live up to expectations. He sees a rake that WILL hit him on the forehead and JUMPS on it anyway.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Earlier in the days when grass was greener and the sky was bluer, Kadokura put more thought into his appearance but over time it changed. With the current state of the world, he doesn’t bother to waste his time fixing his hair every hour and blow the dust off his shoes. His uniform is in a relatively ok condition, with few patches here and there, three-day stubble often overgrows in one-week stubble, and bags under the eyes give him a shabby look but there is a charm in it.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Some people try too hard to hide the fact they are hurt while going through a bad breakup and he is one of them. Days seem endlessly long and gloomy, Kadokura performs given tasks only because it is expected from him, he stops playing cards with Kirawus and doesn’t bat an eyelid when ainu bugs him. Absent-mindedness leads Kadokura straight into new problems but none of them is enough to shake him up. He is… sad. Simply as that. Not heartbroken, not sorrowful. It is an empty sadness that leaves you painfully numb without a stingy tear to shed. To make it even worse, after the breakup Kadokura persistently seeks their company again and again for reasons he can’t explain. Maybe, it is desensitization: the more he sees them as an outsider, the easier he takes it. Shortly after, he will try to find the trace of his ex-wife and daughter, reunite with them if… they want to, you know. They might start a new life while he was nodding off in the workplace.

If they have been killed, Kadokura will live on, faithfully serving Hijikata. He refuses to talk about them at all, brushing off offered emotional support. Still, he was born under an unlucky star and nothing can be done about it: it is something he has to come to terms with.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Let's forget the canon for a second and pretend that Kadokura has a sister or a brother who, in turn, has a child. So my headcanon is that he is a cool uncle. The one who gives kids life advice in the form of a funny parable, pretends he doesn’t hear them sneaking out in the night, puts more money in an envelope so they can save some up for cool stuff. His lifehacks are actually useful even though sometimes questionable… The one who doesn’t have to try to fit in with the new-gen because he got it already.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

There is only one specific thing that comes to mind since Kadokura is too chill and it seems he can deal with almost everything.

People with excessive energy. We are not talking about the literal ray of sunshine type of person that beams with energy but rather about people who are active and need other people to match them. They need strong feedback from another person to feel validated and not to fall into the depression abyss and Kadokura is not a person to match this description. He is not about running around 24/7 enthusiastically grimacing at every little thing. It's exhausting. It is annoying. Kadokura’s social battery runs out on their second sentence so he prefers to avoid such Duracell bunnies at all costs.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Just like Kikuta has a specific ritual before going to bed. Jailer's work taught Kadokura to pay more attention to the security of the house so he can’t fall asleep without checking all the doors. This habit has nothing to do with obsessive-compulsive disorder, it is what it is. Besides it, Kadokura gives his partner a goodnight kiss on the temple because what if he wakes up and they are not here or what if he won’t have any other chance to do it. This one doesn’t change even if Kadokura is stressed the f out: he may be red from the anger but he will lean down and smooch them to remind how much they mean to him.

[bemused-writer]

VNC Chapter 44 Analysis

Well, I think the main takeaway most people had with this chapter is that Vanitas is a lot less collected than we all thought. And I completely agree. XD Clearly, I've given this fellow too much credit in my fanfic.

Anyhow, it almost goes without saying that we learned a lot about Vanitas in this chapter, but we also learned a surprisingly large amount about Roland, so let's dig in.

The first thing that struck me as noteworthy was Noé's complete and utter overreaction. We already knew that he never really had to do things for himself with Louis and Dominique constantly taking care of him when he was young. For example, Mochizuki pointed out that they always helped him clean his room, and he is now terrible at being tidy. In other words, Noé was a touch spoiled. This is relevant because it explains why he has never had to take care of an ill person once in his life, so if Vanitas says he can't continue on then, by Noé's logic, he really must be dying.

Thus, it's completely fair when Manet and Nox wonder if these two are children; they're both certainly acting like it. XD

Still, Noé is coming from a place of genuine concern; he's never seen Vanitas act like this just like we haven't.

Before I move on, one thing I'd like to point out is the difference between Noé and Luca's reaction to the people they care about acting oddly. Luca immediately goes to someone he knows Jeanne trusts--a friend in other words. Meanwhile, Noé goes to the nearest authority figure he can find: Count Orlok. I think this is telling on both their parts.

Luca is someone who was raised to be the authority figure. While he doesn't like it even remotely, he knows he has to solve things for himself. He probably also knows the value of going to someone you know you can trust; he's surrounded by the aristocracy and he knows you can't trust just anyone with delicate information.

Noé has blind faith in authority figures on the other hand. He obeys Teacher without question, accepts Ruthven's presence in his hotel room as something he has a right to do in chapter 19, and he always listens to Dominique no matter what. Both she and Teacher are the ones that choose what his clothes look like according to the extra in the back of volume 3.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that Noé is very comfortable, accustomed even, to other people making decisions for him. He's not the one who has chosen most anything in his life, and I think this attitude started when he was very young. Certainly being sold as a slave and accepting that whoever bought him would be his "master" was a mindset he probably had to develop to survive and he may not have fully grown out of it. I'm sure it was only compounded by being surrounded by people who doted on him and protected him and made sure he never even had to make a decision for himself. His attitude is born of a very strange mix of neglect and indulgence.

In other words, Noé has a lot of potential problems he needs to sort out, and I'm sure his independence is going to be one of them.

Getting back on track, all of this is to say it's not surprising Noé goes to Count Orlok when he can't find Amelia. In theory, he could have tracked Dante down, someone Vanitas sort-of trusts, but he doesn't. It could because it would have been too hard to find him, but personally I don't think it even crossed his mind. He doesn't know what to do; someone else is supposed to handle these matters.

As for Vanitas, he is a complete wreck in this chapter. XD I think Vanitas is the kind of character that likes to act like he's calm, collected, and definitely knows what he's doing. It's even easy for us, the readers, to think the same because he has the book, he has the powers, he knows all about vampires when even the vampire protagonist doesn't, so it would make sense.

But all of that ignores the fact that Vanitas has also shown some definite signs of being slightly unhinged in awkward social situations from the very start. How does he befriend Noé? He stalks him all across Paris. How does he react when Noé gets closer to understanding him? He draws a dagger at him and tells him to go away. Alternatively, he calls him a slur and tries to make him leave. How does he handle Dominique accusing him of loving VotBM? He goes on a full-blown rant in the middle of a vampiric ball and generally makes a fool of himself.

So, the fact that he's a complete mess when he realizes he has genuine affection for someone is actually a lot less surprising in this context. Vanitas is trying to be someone he isn't. In other words, all that pompous know-how is a complete facade. 8D

So, in line with him making a fool of himself at the ball, he proceeds to make a fool of himself in front of Orlok, Nox, and Manet and, frankly, Noé.

Manet understandably wasn't expecting this information, but what's more interesting is that it confirms the fact that Vanitas really hadn't told Noé a thing after Gévaudan. The fact that he has now snapped and is telling everyone in the whole room shows just how affected he was. But what's also interesting is that he only starts to talk about this when there are other people. He couldn't just tell Noé himself. Perhaps because he thinks Noé won't have any advice?

And this is the definition of oversharing. XD Even Noé looks like he's wondering what on earth Vanitas is saying.

Honestly, this is more the kind of awkward, wildly inappropriate confession I might expect from Noé except that Noé would have the sense to only say something like this to someone he trusts, like when he told Dominique he thought Vanitas's blood smelled good. Still not the most tactful thing, but a whole lot better than describing, in some detail, the torrid affair you're having to a room full of people you barely know. 8D

As a side note, this pretty much confirms what I was saying in my last meta: Vanitas didn't enjoy Jeanne drinking his blood previously, at least not all that much. This time he did, and that definitely shows a shift in their relationship. As for how all of that works, it could be because Jeanne is fonder of him as well. Perhaps a vampire's toxin is in tune with that kind of thing? Unfortunately, we just don't know enough at this point to say.

Regardless, it means that when Vanitas went on that long rant to Jeanne in chapter 12 about how great it felt when she drank his blood and how they were definitely compatible, was yet more lying. It's kind of, possibly, true now though, hence his freakout.

Anyway, Orlok and co. decided Vanitas's "emergency" really wasn't that much of an emergency and they were understandably kicked out. I like that they were apparently very careful with Murr and included some treats for him as well. They really do love that cat. Knowing what we kind of know about Murr now I have to wonder: is this some kind of elaborate manipulation...?

But Noé, apparently still taking Vanitas's malady very seriously despite all that weird stuff about Jeanne, is not content with being kicked out.

I suppose the point here is that, despite knowing what Vanitas said was improper, he still isn't quite catching the gravity of things, and he's still convinced Vanitas is dying rather than having an existential breakdown over love.

Meanwhile, Vanitas is walking around in a haze in Paris, thinking about Jeanne, her smile, and the promise he made her. We get a look at his face, and I think it actually gives some pretty solid insight into what he's thinking:

He clenches his fist, his face is flushed, and he looks worried, distressed. The problem here isn't just that he cares about someone and doesn't know how to deal with it. No, it's actually much worse than that: he cares about someone and he promised he'd kill her if she ever lost herself and Vanitas, cursed with a certain understanding of just how bad things can get, knows he might actually have to keep this promise, a promise he may now regret making.

So, he's flustered because he cares, frightened because he cares, but also terrified because he knows things can only go badly from here. And, more than anything else, he knows he might actually be in love.

It only makes sense he'd think of Noé's original question here. It's not just that Noé is the one who's been trying to figure all this out (not Vanitas), but Vanitas knows Noé is the reason he's gotten into this much "trouble" in the first place. Opening up, caring about people, making promises he might not be able to keep... He is definitely blaming Noé for all of that. I wouldn't be surprised if he finds a way of blaming Noé for his romantic entanglement as well, which may be the actual reason he's avoided talking to Noé: he blames him, but he's also supremely embarrassed.

And in the midst of all this confusion and pain who is added to the picture? None other than our one and only Roland!

I think that might be my favorite image of the whole chapter. XD

Earlier in this meta I mentioned that we almost learn more about Roland in this chapter than anyone else, and it's thanks to Vanitas's exchange with him that we do!

The first thing we learn about Roland is something we've already had inklings of in earlier chapters: he's far more tactful and calculative than he would have people believe. He refers to Vanitas as "Vincent" and says Olivier is his coworker. Immediately, he has established that, for one, he's very good with details. He remembers exactly how Vanitas introduced himself and Noé when they first met. Furthermore, he knows Vanitas likely doesn't want to get further entangled in chasseur affairs, so he lets him know that he isn't with a random friend: this is someone potentially dangerous to Vanitas.

Not that it does much good because Vanitas isn't exactly thinking clearly.

This one, singular statement from Olivier is surprisingly revealing! I'd had a headcanon that Roland has had past relationships and it turns out that is absolutely true. Apparently, Olivier not only knows about them, he doesn't care, provided Roland isn't out and about doing anything else. He doesn't say what, specifically, because Vanitas is there, but we already know he's worried about what Roland is doing with the chasseurs and whether he's going to betray the Church. Not so much because he thinks Roland is wrong, exactly, but because he doesn't want any trouble for himself.

These two have an odd relationship. XD Olivier clearly understands the way Roland is, accepts it even, but he draws the line at Roland dragging everyone else into his schemes, hence why he offered to buy Vanitas the coffee in the first place.

Anyway, Vanitas ignores all that because Olivier brought up the only subject he cares about and wants advice on: women.

This is my other favorite image from this chapter. His face is the perfect encapsulation of "What are you doing? I was just trying to get you out of trouble and now you're sitting down? You're going to stay?!" The fixed grin, the panic. This is a thing of beauty.

Naturally, things only get more awkward because that's just the trajectory Vanitas has set for himself in this chapter.

I also just want to point out that the smoking, the string of relationships, the casual dining, the flying, the actual job, all point to Roland being a fair amount older than Noé and Vanitas. Probably mid-20s about? I'm sure that he and Olivier are the same age, regardless, though potentially from different class backgrounds. Olivier is decked out in aristocratic garb and Roland is dressed for flying. That doesn't necessarily mean he's poorer, but the impression I get from him is that he's probably middle class at most. I think there was an extra that mentioned he supports his siblings? I'm not sure now.

Anyway, after those 15 minutes of awkward rambling, Vanitas finally gets around to the question he's been meaning to ask. Apparently, Roland knows all about it.

There's kind of a lot to cover in those three images. Roland has not only had past relationships, he's had several. Judging by Olivier's remark, they've all been remarkably short. One has to wonder if we're talking one-night-stand kind of short or it-lasted-for-a-week-before-my-preaching-became-too-much kind of short. Maybe Mochizuki will enlighten us someday. XD

But the most interesting thing is how hesitant Roland is to discuss Olivier's relationships and how Olivier doesn't even deign Vanitas's question with an answer. Yes, he's popular, but no, he's not going to talk about who he's with and neither is Roland. When Roland says "I'm one thing, but Olivier...?" it could mean a few things: he thinks it makes sense for himself to be "promiscuous" but the thought of Olivier being the same is impossible. Personally, I find this the most likely for now. Alternatively, it's one thing to casually discuss his own affairs, but gossiping about a friend goes against his code of honor and Vanitas is kind of asking a personal question. There is also a third possibility that Roland can't imagine Olivier with a woman. Olivier's popular, but he's not interested. Naturally, Roland wouldn't announce that to the world and it isn't particularly relevant to Vanitas's question anyway.

Whatever the reason, it subtly demonstrates how well the two know each other.

Vanitas finally gets to the heart of things, and it fits in with what I thought happened:

This really was the first time Vanitas saw Jeanne for who she was, as an actual person, and not just someone he can mess with. Before that particular moment, he truly knew nothing of Jeanne. Now, he's finally had a glimpse of her actual personality and it's incredibly genuine, forthright, and strong. Of course, now that he sees that, how can he not find her at least a little appealing? And how can he not now be forced to reckon with his past behavior? He was horrid, there's no getting around it. Regret isn't something Vanitas handles well along with, apparently, emotions in general. Hence his next dilemma:

And at long last, Noé is finally seeing what the problem actually is. He didn't piece it together at Orlok's, but he's now hearing it from Vanitas directly. It's no wonder Noé surreptitiously sits away so he can listen. This whole time he's been wanting Vanitas to explain things to him, not just about the cold, but about love as well.

Roland is trying to be helpful here but, let's be honest, Vanitas is dropping a lot on him out of the blue, so I think it's understandable that he's a little confused right now.

And we finally get to the heart of the whole thing: Vanitas thinks he's a disgusting person. Someone like Jeanne definitely shouldn't love him because the only kind of person who could love him is someone who is as awful as he is and he's now been confronted with the fact that maybe Jeanne isn't. There relationship has a ton of issues, don't get me wrong, but Vanitas isn't seeing that; he's seeing that Jeanne has been kind to him, seems to care about him, and that definitely isn't the kind of person who would love him. Not genuinely.

The whole thing gets even more confusing if we take into account that his decidedly romantic moment with Jeanne reminded him of VotBM. They weren't having a romantic moment, but the discussion of affection, of hugs, were directly intertwined. Until we know more about VotBM I can't say if she was motherly or if things were decidedly more questionable there, but Vanitas must have gotten his twisted ideas about relationships from someone. Did VotBM have a bad relationship with someone? Did his past trauma simply color everything else in his life?

Olivier and Roland are understandably concerned, but it's Noé here that really stands out. He's pieced something together about Vanitas and now understands him a little bit better. After each arc, he and Vanitas have had a small conversation that brings them closer, but so far they haven't had that in this particular arc. My guess is it will be in the next chapter or the one after (since this one was labeled "part 1") and the arc will be wrapped up for good. There is, genuinely, a lot of stuff they need to cover about Gévaudan, Vanitas's relationship with Jeanne, and what they're doing next. There's also the small matter of Noé's injuries....

So, these two are going to have a lot to cover and Roland knows that right now, what Vanitas needs, is someone to talk to that he properly trusts. I almost wonder if he timed his dramatic God speech just so Noé could chase after him to begin with.

This really reads as "Go to him, Gilbert" and that amuses me.

Roland knew Noé was there the whole time (he's observant as we've mentioned) and he knows he and Vanitas have a powerful bond. He himself was inspired so much by it he changed his views on vampires completely. So, logically, he knows Noé needs to talk to Vanitas.

But Roland's motivations are still a bit harder to describe.

This much makes sense. The fact that he's had a string of lovers and doesn't seem particularly dejected by his constant breakups makes it obvious he wasn't particularly attached to any of them. He speaks about love as if he knows what it is, but he's never been that invested in a person to our knowledge. The only person we've seen him spend any length of time with is Olivier and they have a complicated relationship at best. Are we to assume he at least has an attachment to him? He threatened him before, but he also seems fond of him, and Olivier at least seems comfortable around Roland in turn.

And yet, Roland speaks of attachment as if it's a foreign thing to him. We know he has family, we know he has Olivier, he even has God, but like Olivier said: he believes in himself as a follower of God more than God Himself. Perhaps it's best said that the only thing we really know about Roland is that he's confident in himself, his own morals and beliefs.

And I think that's how Vanitas fits into Roland's worldview to a certain extent. Vanitas is a project of sorts: Roland wants to save him, very much in the religious and physical sense, and he knows Vanitas is in danger every day at least physically. Perhaps he worries for his soul as well, not necessarily that he's going to Hell, but that he has lost himself and could "shatter" at any moment.

Oddly, Noé isn't brought up in this conversation whatsoever even though the person Roland showers with blatant affection is Noé, not Vanitas. This could very likely be because he knows Vanitas isn't receptive to that kind of thing; it's a tactic that works great with Noé, but definitely not with his companion and Roland is above all a calculative person.

And that's all I've got for now! I do like that Roland and Olivier dropped their serious conversation about an actual Vampire Eradication Unit to deal with Vanitas's love life. That's pretty supportive. XD Also, there's a Vampire Eradication Unit that Gano is a part of and if that isn't one of the main plot points of the next arc it will be soon enough.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing how Jeanne handled things. It looks like she's done at least moderately better than Vanitas, but most people would. XD

[sunbvrst]

*  whats up , buttercup ! hi , i’m julia ( 21 , she / they , gmt+8 ) , and i’m so thrilled to be here !! so pls let me introduce my sunflower child ,  seoni  !!!  she’s an old muse of mine but haven’t really had the chance to fully develop her yet , so im excited for that part as well sdfdkjf ,,,, information under the cut are all the information i have for her , i apologize in advance if there are hiccups along the way i promise to fix that ;-;  !! nevertheless , i’m pretty excited to plot w y’all and meet everyone’s muses ♡

( PARK SOOYOUNG, SHE/HER ) ╱ oh looky, if it ain’t [ KIM SEONI ] from [ 304 ]! a busy bee little [ PILATES INSTRUCTOR ], aren’t they? still can’t believe they’re [ 25 ] this year. i heard they’re adored for being [ GREGARIOUS ] but their [ EVASIVE ] attitude can be a pain in the ass sometimes. have they not thought of moving out after [ ONE YEAR ]? oh well, as long as they like it here!

*   𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖑𝖔𝖌𝖚𝖊   ╱  STATISTICS .

name  :  kim seoni

nicknames  :   sun , sunny 

age  :   twenty  -  five

birthday  :  may twenty  -  seven

zodiac  :  gemini sun , pisces moon , sagittarius rising

place of birth  :  gwanju  ,  korea 

gender : cis woman

pronouns  :   she / her

orientation  :  pansexual , panromantic

nationality  :  korean

occupation  :  pilates instructor 

pinterest  :  found here 

*   𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖔𝖓𝖊 ╱  BACKGROUND . 

looking back at seoni’s earlier life, there wasn’t anything particularly atypical to it. she lived in a quaint home in gwangju, where she was nurtured by a close-knitted family. her mother was a retired pianist who spent most of her time teaching little kids piano within the confines of their home. while seoni’s father was a local literature professor who was the sole reason for her early appreciation for art and literature. 

seoni’s parents were never the overbearing type. although they had been quite vocal about which direction they wanted their daughter to take, it was purely seoni’s decision to choose the options that would make them the proudest. high school went by in a breeze and academically, seoni did exceptionally well considering how determined she was to make her parents proud and graduate with honors. her parents knew for sure she was going to take the direction they dreamed for her to take— everyone was convinced she’s bound to make great things, put her wits to good use, and enter law school; therefore, she tried. 

however, college became a crisis. seoni agreed to study in seoul, as per parents’ wish, and it’s been a struggle. bearing in mind that seoni’s been cooped within her familial nest all her life: options laid out for her, plans designed for her, indebted to the people who raised her; seoni realized she didn’t know how to work for herself. 

many people her age would’ve had their life already planned out in their head, but seoni had gotten only even more inconclusive as time went by. she first took political science, hoping to prompt her well for law school, but ended up shifting to history, then economics, then even landing to communications, completely placing her mind in disarray. her parents were really supportive of whatever decision she chose, although there was no denying the hint of disappointment seoni sees in them when they meet during holidays. no one can blame them though, they had high hopes for seoni. the problem was, it was their hopes. 

in no way does seoni blame her family though, she’s done this to herself without fully figuring out what she truly wants and who she truly is. so, true to her person, she graduates with a communications degree and no direction in life. 

she continued to live in the city, told her parents that she’s working as an editorial assistant in some company, but excluded the part in which she quit because the work was a boring desk job hasn’t been her cup of tea. instead, she did 6 months of pilates training and is now working as a pilates instructor; which by far has been less cluttered and more affable. 

*   𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖜𝖔 ╱  TEMPERAMENT .

as you might have noticed, sunny is quite the whimsical type. one minute she’s there, the other she’d forget the reason why she did something remotely close to the activity a minute ago. it can be frustrating, and it has led to multiple questionable choices and actions from her. 

seoni is so quick to let her emotions influence her, especially in decision making. she’d always consider what her loved ones feel about the situation first, everyone else second, and hers last which is why she’s very evasive when topics regarding her future surface. she’s a strong believer of living one day at a time because in that way, she feels in control. 

she’s a master at changing topics so quick when the conversation’s even an inch closer to unravelling her past. seoni’s very outgoing and has this ability to overshare, but not overshare at all ??? she talks a lot about the surface and decides that’s the most vulnerability she can offer. the past, college, is just a weird topic. yeet. 

on that note tho, seoni’s adventurous side comes from her escapism tendency. she likes to divert the attention to the fun and joys of life and just stays bright and bubbly that it seems like she’s got zero problems. so with that, ig people might not see seoni as the person to confide into which stems from her being clueless in situations that she needed to be empathetic. don’t get her wrong tho, she’s an empath but isn’t really aware on how to apply it. 

basically, just your regular sunshine daisy who never forgets to offer a smile when you pass by her in the hallways, very easy-going and really friendly, so there’s rarely any trouble in that department. on that note tho, she terribly needs to work on opening to people more and just be human for a teeny sec. 

*   𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖍𝖗𝖊𝖊 ╱  PLOTS .

i suck at titles ,,,, yikes , and suckier at planning well thought out plots , bigger yikes BUT i do want a plot in which seoni is very much challenged to get out of her comfort zone. seoni values every relationship of any kind however it hasn’t usually reached to a point where she gets to be vulnerable so perhaps, a relationship that would bring the somber side of her would be fantastic. 

she’s been living at andante for a year now so she would absolutely have people she loves to bother lol, let it be dragging them to a midnight stroll, a tolkein film marathon, or mukbang + soju night; basically, her go to person. 

seoni loves to persuade people to try out pilates and to rid of sedentary lifestyle lmao. so perhaps people she teaches or goes to pilates with.

im running out of ideas so i’ll just throw in a bunch of words that might spark inspiration: fluffy best pals connection, sibling type connection, bad/good influences, angsty toxic relationships, frenemies, people she can drag to do reckless decisions with, angst again, the one who she’s attached to the hip to, and honestly im open to whatever :D 

[lesbiangracehanson]

for 'lets get personal': 1, 2, 4, 7, 14, 19, 24, 26?

27, 38, 39, 40, 41, 43, 44, 45, 47, 52, 54, 62?

63, 65, 66, 74, 76, 79, 82, 84, 95?

hope you have fun with all those!

i’ve just added all ur messages together hahaha + also gonna put this under a keep reading thing loool

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? did this one! 

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? currently...... either victoria pedretti or amelia eve, i’ve been watching maybe too many interviews of them + i just think they both have such lovely energy + would just be nice to b around :(

4: What do you think about most? currently.......... the haunting of bly manor, generally.... whether or not i’m a bad person/if i’m doing enough with my life

7: What’s your strangest talent? being able to identify what s1-4 doctor who episode a particular murray gold piece of music is in, within about 10 seconds of it starting...... niche ? perhaps, but me + my sister tested this theory on a long boring lockdown day + it’s legit i’m afraid :///

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? walking my dog 

19: What does your URL mean? grace hanson is a LESBIAN >:-) 

24: Do you have a collection of anything? postcards + badges! i like either keeping them for myself or sometimes passing them onto others as like a nice, surprise little gift - especially in lockdown i feel like i’ve started posting friends random things just for fun

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? not yet, but compared to me over a year ago..... i do feel happier with where i currently am

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? sound i hate is nails on a blackboard lol, sound i love ..... i guess any music i like! or the sound of the sea

38: What’s the weather like right now? rainy + v windy :( 

39: What time is it? nearly 2am

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? i’m currently learning to drive + am pleased to say i have Not crashed (yet)

41: What was the last book you read? severance by ling ma!! 

43: Do you have any nicknames? my sisters + some of my friends started calling me olive to annoy me + it remains a nickname looool

44: What was the last film you saw? suspiria (the 1977 one!) 

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? 2 summers ago i had a very bad ovarian cyst + apparently my pain threshold was too high for me to recognise that things were Not Good so it ended up damaging one of my ovaries beyond repair loooool + i had to have an emergency operation to have the cyst + the ovary removed rip, not to overshare on main but.... genuinely one of the worst experiences of my life lol would not recommend!!!!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? not sure if it’s obvious :/// but ....the haunting of bly manor 

52: What is your astrological sign? gemini

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? mantel pieces by hilary mantel! 

62: What’s your favourite animal? Hmmmm dogs!!!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? making them laugh imo!

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. - i’m simply Can’t do this!!!!! i feel like i have like.... a fair few mutuals who i will just love forever + never unfollow + then also just blogs that i enjoy + look through on a regular basis but i’m not mutuals w/ + there’s essentially too many to narrow it down to 5 (janelle u are one of those mutuals i will never unfollow at this point i think ahjsbfjsdf if that’s what u wanted to know!! hahaha) 

66: What is your heritage? white + british loooooool im sorry 

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? hmmm a few came to mind: burning down the house by talking heads, maria by blondie, honey hi by fleetwood mac

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? kindness, good communication + laughter 

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? LOOOOOOL have i ever made a good decision!!!!! impossible to tell, i think ... sorting myself out last autumn probably, i was really putting everything into doing my masters, i’d just started my bookclub, i was volunteering at a gay archive + working a bit too. i think deciding to do all those things to put myself in a better headspace + also putting myself out of my comfort zone was a good move for me + i’m proud of myself for doing it im ngl 

82: What is your favourite word? my mind is blanking on this, i’ve forgotten all words 

84: What is a saying you say a lot? ‘it is what it is’ asjdbsdjhf i say it TOO much, i think i started saying it ironically + it has become ... less ironic  

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? anywhere that would let a person from the stupid little island that is uk, into their country atm loooool

[allwritealreadysaysbliss]

For Now, Chicago

November 6th would have been my 10-year anniversary in Chicago. But at the end of October, I moved back to LA, where I grew up, just two weeks shy of this deca-milestone. 

The 6th came and went like it always does: the day passes and some time the following week, I wake up and think, “Oh! My Chicago anniversary.” And suddenly every dolt husband in every sitcom about marriage makes sense to me. 

I moved to Chicago a few months after graduating from the University of Michigan. I didn’t want to be near my immediate family, and I didn’t want to go to New York where almost every single person I knew was moving. New York overwhelmed me and exacerbated my anxiety. The filth. The crowds. A decision I often worry was a mistake. I grew apart from groups of people who all spent their early 20s living in small apartments they couldn’t afford, eating $20 salads they couldn’t afford, and partying like college never ended. They bonded through survival of The City in a way I will never make up for, though I’ve tried. But for me, then, Chicago felt like the right place to be. I liked that Chicago had the central city feel of New York – a business district, skyscrapers, public transportation (I didn’t want to take it, I just liked the character it added to the city), walkups, a bustling downtown where other recent grads were centrally located – but with the sense of space of L.A. – neighborhoods, manageable driving, people who smiled. The best of both worlds. 

I liked the idea of forging my own path and starting over. I had spent long weekends off school in Chicago with my college roommate, enough to decide I liked it there, and I had some family in the suburbs, a safety net I thought. The city was fun and alert (a tempered version of the indescribable Energy people attribute to NY) and I already knew from Ann Arbor that I liked the generally gentle natures of Midwestern people. 

Often, I think back through my ten years in Chicago (that barely feel like two maybe three); it’s usually around my birthday or New Year’s Eve. I try to scroll through the mental montage of how I’ve celebrated each of these occasions (though I still maintain that birthdays should be a celebration of the mother, not the child), then end up spiraling into the broader memory flip-book of how I’ve spent each year, month, day. And every time, I come to the same place: what the fuck have I been doing for the last (four, five, eight, ten) years? 

I don’t have a concrete answer. I don’t have any of the things I thought I’d find in Chicago – a husband or at the very least, a serious boyfriend, children, a lucrative career. That list we’re “supposed” to have checked off by our 30s is mostly if not entirely unmarked. 

I made friends (the day I picked up my keys to my first Chicago apartment) with a group of med students who entirely composed my social circle for two-and-half years and with whom, I’ve since lost touch. I got to spend quality time with cousins and their kids, and I met and got close to my dad’s first cousins (and their kids and grandkids). I lived alone, I lived with roommates, I lived back in LA in 2011 for five weeks before returning to Chicago for a job as an assistant account executive at an ad agency…my first real job. I shifted paths at the same agency and started copywriting in Chicago. I got laid off from my first real job in Chicago. I found doctors I liked and trusted and have recommended to newcomers. I learned to take the El (a greater accomplishment than I wish to admit, but my anxiety makes crowded, enclosed, dirty spaces unbearable). I got sick…a lot – colds, flus, sliced-open foot from a broken bottle at a bar, strep so severe my tonsils swelled until they closed off my airway. (I was in the ER so frequently that when I moved home for those five weeks, it felt like Chicago had gotten what it wanted – rid of me.) I welcomed and housed old friends who were newly making Chicago their home and said goodbye to those who were moving on. I went to parties. I went to therapy. I went to too many Lollapaloozas. I turned 30 in Chicago. I got to watch most of my friends get married and become parents in Chicago. I signed up for Instagram and (resigned to) online dating in Chicago. I had my first (brief) relationship in Chicago. I struggled with my intimacy issues in my first (brief) relationship in Chicago. I became friends with guys I dated and told a good friend I had feelings for him (for the first and only time) in Chicago. I adopted my cat in Chicago. Her name is Phoebe; she’s perfect. I started, but didn’t finish, a double master’s program in special and elementary ed at DePaul. I completed a post-baccalaureate program in creative writing at Northwestern. I found Yolk, my favorite restaurant. I took a million dance classes, hosted college dance team reunions that slept 15 people in my one-bedroom apartment, and refused to admit I wasn’t dancing anymore, even though I wasn’t dancing anymore, in Chicago. I got drunk and saw concerts and argued with friends and made up with friends and took trips that I returned home from to Chicago. I complained about the weather and the traffic and bills in Chicago. I overshared with “work friends” who then became “real friends” in Chicago. I was in a dinner club and a bromance and found my “market buddy” and my “sister wife” (an altered definition in which I marry a bestie’s brother) in Chicago. I tried new restaurants and ate until I felt sick in Chicago. I struggled with depression so deeply in Chicago, I wondered if anybody would even notice if I disappeared. I felt abandoned by people in Chicago. I felt more support than I’ve ever felt before in Chicago. I accepted help when I needed it most in Chicago. I decided to (and went through two cycles trying to) freeze my eggs in Chicago. I faced my OCD in a way I never had before in Chicago. (I didn’t have a choice. The cleaning and thought cycles became so repetitive, they started affecting my functioning, my relationships, my ability to get to work, my ability to hide it from friends. I considered and tried medication for the first time in Chicago.) I decided fall was my favorite season and pumpkin patching was my favorite activity. I poached friends and sang car duets and ate cheese plates and truffle fries and truffle chickpeas and truffle everything and created inside universes. I laughed until I couldn’t breathe, until my eyes watered, until I forgot why I was laughing. I stole clothes from people in Chicago – a bad habit I’ve always had. I asked an immeasurable number of questions in Chicago. I lost my virginity in Chicago. I had my first heartbreak in Chicago. I created an invaluable family of friends for myself in Chicago. 

And I found improv in Chicago. Almost by accident. Entirely by kismet. Improv changed my life. And when I fall upon the feeling of regret I never lived in New York, I remind myself of what I likely would have missed. I would not have found the people and community I found through improv, the tenets of an art form that are, at their most basic elements, a beautiful way in which to live, the belief in myself that I can do what I’ve always wanted to do. I would not have discovered storytelling or my voice. I would not have found this outlet that has become an integral part of my mental health. I would not have been able to experience my last five years in Chicago with the same sense of novelty. I would not have found myself. When I think of that list of things I wish I had by now, I wonder if it remained unfulfilled because I wasn’t who I was meant to be yet. (I do wish I’d found improv earlier, but what can you do?) 

I became a person in Chicago. 

Thank you to the people who shaped me while I was there and who will continue to be part of the story. 

Chicago will always be home. I will forever be grateful for the space it gave me. And I know, when I need to, I can always rest my head on its broad shoulders and breathe.

[ragehappysecretsanta]

Raising the Bar

Author: https://gala0apples.tumblr.com/

Recipient: http://samijen.tumblr.com

Summary: AHWU has gotten much more entertaining since they added the mailbag section. It’s pretty hard to beat a bouncy castle. Isn’t it?

Warnings: the rating is NC17. This fic contains under-negotiated kink.

Wordcount: 3223

Ao3 link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/12916137

It’s not like any of the main room are avoidant of mail-day poor life choices. Maybe Geoff-- His soul is so crushed there’s no room left for shenanigans. But Ryan has a truly formidable weapon collection that he likes to juggle at random. Gavin keeps creating games that are half for Olympic hopefuls, half for the kinkily masochistic. Jeremy can admit he’s made a few bad choices when it comes to food. That all said, Jeremy never expected to enter the poor decision realm of whether it’s appropriate to bust a nut at work.

His weakness for Michael is well-known on many levels. The audience knows of it on the level of him never actively proclaiming hate for Michael, which he does with Geoff and Gavin, and in this case the absence of the standard negative is a rare positive. Gavin knows it in that he acts like he’s discovered a cheat code; attempt to bet Michael with half a dozen ludicrous and dangerous activities and a few will trickle down to Jeremy. The deepest level is Geoff being the only one in the office to know he’s bi, and more than that, has feelings about the perpetually single Michael Jones.

It all comes down to chance. If Jack or Ryan had opened it, it probably would have been tossed straight away. If Gavin, another weird against OSHA game. But it’s Michael who opens the small package addressed to the main room. It’s Michael who pulls out a black leather collar. And it’s Michael who decides that, just like the nurse outfit, the boxers at RTX 2015, and the lady killer sweater, this is something that the audience wants to see. For some reason unknown even to God, he puts it on.

Jeremy is electrocuted into dead silence as Michael straps the leather around his own neck. Anything he could say would only draw attention to himself, but it’s not for self-preservation that he doesn’t speak. His brain just drops the feed to his mouth. He doesn’t even blame his poor overloaded think-box. Who could manage coherence with a thin inch of black bisecting Michael’s neck, meeting in the middle of his adam’s apple by way of a large silver ring? It’s just impossible.

Eventually self preservation kicks in. Jeremy retreats from the main camera area to his desk so he can start setting up the transport needed in GTA. It’s basically busywork until Jack and Trevor and Matt get in, but it gives him good reason to be at his computer instead of wandering through the room contributing comments and opening presents like he normally would.

In an instant it happens. Michael looks over and notices that Jeremy is hard before Jeremy can notice that Michael is looking at him. Jeremy turns his chair the moment he sees Michael’s focus of attention, but it’s too late. He’s been outed. To Michael, of all conceivable people. It’s Jeremy’s worst nightmare. Maybe he would have come out eventually. Jon and Mariel both managed with no big fuss. But that would definitely have waited until Jeremy felt like he’d gotten over him, until he had nothing to hide anymore. This is nowhere close to that time.

Michael’s reaction is... not what Jeremy would have expected. First he makes a groan of disgust, and Jeremy feels like he’s covered in lightning. All of his skin is crawling, and an instant headache is coming on. Michael’s going to point out exactly what has disgusted him, and Jeremy’s going to have to go jump off of a bridge. But he’s going to be a goddamn man about it. He twists his chair back to look in Michael’s direction, as do a few of the other guys in the room. If Michael’s going to call him out, he’s going to do it holding eye contact. Except instead Michael throws a hand to his stomach, and curls over himself. “Oh, fuck. Ughh. I’m constipated as fuck.”

“Oh no, boi,” Gavin says.

Michael turns to look Jeremy directly in the eye. “I’m going to the shitter. Might not come out until something happens.”

That means something, right? It has to mean something. Jeremy’s got a life long relationship with Fate saying it’s something, and after Fate has pulled through on the big stuff, like winning bronze at the biggest gymnastics event he ever attended, and a job at Rooster Teeth, Jeremy tries to listen to the sense that certain things are meant to be.

There’s not a lot of stealth ways to directly follow Michael out of the room, but Jeremy tries to brainstorm. He considers for the briefest of moments making a big deal of taking a camera with him like he’s gonna go cause a ruckus somewhere, but that’s rejected. What if Gavin or Trevor wants to join in? Jeremy also rejects the idea of claiming he has a meeting. It just raises too many questions, like what is it that can’t be said by text or slack, that only pertains to him. Not to mention the other party might be asked something and, fairly, be completely clueless and not cover for him. In the end it’s easiest to just leave the room without saying anything at all.

Michael is not actually in the nearest washroom. For a moment Jeremy feels sick. Sad and pathetic. Is he really that desperate that he interpreted Michael needing to have a dump as being all about him? Talk about stereotypical queer, picking up signals that aren’t there from the straight boy. Except, no. If Michael really did just need to crap instead of trading handjobs, he totally would be in one of these stalls, making it reek. The only thing that makes sense is he must have taken advantage of Rooster Teeth being a more multi-platform company than ever. The live action production staff have tiny bathrooms with individual toilets and showers for when the slime or blood or dirt has to go under the collar and past the hems.

With the confidence that only the horny can have, Jeremy knocks on the first locked door and calls out in a fierce whisper “Michael?” Fuck, please let him be right. Please let him be right.

His answer comes in the form of the door clicking as it unlocks. Jeremy’s stomach hurts. He’s on the precipice of success, yeah. But that only means if Michael pulls out a camera to document the joke -or even more terrifyingly, it is queerbait and now he’s going to kick the shit out of him- this is the moment he falls off the cliff into brutal jagged rocks. But there’s no way, right? He’s corrected Gavin’s pronouns for Kdin, he’s laughed at Geoff’s circlejerk stories, he’s never been weird around Max Krumke or Patrick. He can’t be Westboro Church in a New Jersey package. “Michael?”

“Hey,” Michael says in return. This doesn’t look like a set up. Michael seems totally normal, apart from the fetish-wear that Jeremy is having trouble looking away from. The anxiety melts away as quickly as it flared up.

“Was that a summons, or just overshare about your bowels?”

Michael drops onto his knees, light coloured denim totally incongruous with the faux woodgrain linoleum. He arches his head back so the leather cinched around his throat is bared. The light makes the O-ring glint. “What do you think?”

Jeremy is frozen for an eternity, the lifespan of a star. There’s no way this is actually happening, right? Fate guiding him towards goodness or not, this is insane.

Jeremy suddenly thinks of two thick bands of tough leather wrapped around both of Michael’s biceps, the muscles he’s working so hard to enhance. They would pin Michael’s arms to his side, and a strap connecting them across his back would prevent him from struggling for leverage. That mental image is the last straw. Jeremy shrugs off his overshirt, and impatiently tugs the hem out of his jeans so the undershirt can go next. He might not need to get naked right away, but he can at least flash some skin in a way that Michael might be into. He knows barrel chested isn’t a body type for everyone, but considering Michael’s actively working towards it, Jeremy’s feeling pretty confident. Pretty hot.

Michael knee walks a few steps closer until he’s within touching distance. It’s not quite crawling to master, but it’s a hell of a lot more than Jeremy could have reasonably expected. Michael snakes his arms around Jeremy’s hips to grab his ass and pull him in closer. Like he would have resisted. Michael breathes heavily on his groin, face a weight on his upper thigh. Jeremy bites his lips as he feels the noticeable difference in temperature. Even if Michael nopes out in the next second, Jeremy will always have this sensation. He’ll jerk off to Michael’s hot breath gliding over his dick for the next twenty years.

Jeremy runs his fingers through Michael’s hair -not the loose mass of curls it used to be, but it’s still got some texture- before letting his right hand drift lower to Michael’s neck. The collar feels as prominent as it looked. It’s a ridge against Michael’s throat that separates the valleys between normal and kinky. In this moment he feels like he could stand like this for hours, holding Michael in place with a simmer of lust never quite boiling over. That’s the kind of kink, though, that needs a lot of negotiation first. Daydreams aside, Jeremy knows that’s not what’s going on here. He pulls his hand back up and uses both to push Michael’s head away from his junk. Not that he really wants to escape that hot air, but he needs the room to get his pants down.

It’s the work of seconds to get his dick out. Michael’s face looks so good, freckled and waiting, that Jeremy almost hates to bring him back close and obscure it. He’s a little too into this, he thinks. He cares more than Michael does. But he’s dominant, and that feeling of desperation to control and protect is never going to go away, so better to just deal with it. Sooner or later he’ll find someone who wants to be the recipient of all those strong feelings. Until then Jeremy knows he needs to chill the fuck out, and offer only as much dominance as his partner will accept.

Michael doesn’t have much finesse. There’s not a lot of technique, like concentrating on the head, or following the veins. What he does have working in his favour is an apparent lack of reflex. It makes sense, Jeremy figures with the tiny fraction of brain he has that’s not fixated on the experience. How many early days videos are there of Michael eating some horrifying crap and downing it without blinking while people like Burnie and Gav die one bite in? His throat must be hella desensitized. Still, Jeremy doesn’t feel too bad for not making the logic leap of ‘can drink a full bottle of barbeque sauce without gagging’ to ‘can swallow my cock without gagging’. In fact, he’s sort of happy he didn’t waste months daydreaming all iterations of it. Michael’s skill is a pleasant surprise. You could even say a mind fuck, based on the way Jeremy thinks his entire conscious being might fucking combust and burn to nothing. Michael’s nose is against his pubes, literally there, which means he’s easily accepting six inches of cock.

With the last vestiges of brainpower he pulls out. He needs to make sure Michael is okay with this, that it’s not just what he thinks Jeremy wants. What if he actually hates deepthroating, but previous lovers have demanded it? It’s only hot to demand when both parties have agreed to put demanding on the table.

“Should we- shit, fuuuck.” Michael’s chosen to ignore Jeremy’s move of pulling out, he’s gone right back to sucking him. It’s a bit of a struggle to focus, but Jeremy continues his line of thought. “Should we pick safewords or something?” All the porn that Jeremy watches that’s not completely ludicrous and terrible have subs picking them out, even if they never use them.

Michael’s the one to move away this time, just enough so to look Jeremy in the face so he can see his unimpressed raised eyebrows. “I’m blowing you, we’re not dripping hot candlewax up my asshole. We’re fine.”

“Okay. Uh, but-”

Michael doesn’t let him stay on that track any longer. He resumes the blowjob and it cuts all of Jeremy’s coherence. See, the problem -does it count as a problem if it’s awesome?- is this time it’s different. Michael’s started like, humming or talking to himself or something. Jeremy would find it endearing, the way Michael’s never stops talking, if he wasn’t gripping the sink counter trying to not fall over. The vibrations- christ on a dinner plate, Jeremy can feel every single vibration.

He loses control for a moment when he comes. Yet another thing they didn’t lay down guidelines for; fluid exchange. Only in this case Jeremy doesn’t give Michael much of a choice. He slips his fingertips between the collar and Michael’s neck and all but holds him in place. Jeremy can feel Michael’s throat quivering as he swallows. It might be one of the best orgasms of his life, or at least one most true to his kinky fantasies.

Of course, next up is making this as good for Michael as it has been for him. Jeremy’s mind runs wild with scenarios. He wants to tie Michael with both their belts like a really thick shibari and blow him. He wants to make Michael keep blowing him until he gets hard again and can fuck him. He wants Michael to be submissive enough to be okay with not coming because his master did. He wants to spank Jersey Boy until he comes from sensation alone, crying, body confused if it’s in agony or ecstasy. However, none of those have been negotiated for, and Jeremy’s well aware that they’re odd enough choices that he can’t just start doing one.

“Stand up, man.”

Michael does, still licking his lips. Licking up the spunk that overflowed from his open mouth. Honest to god, Jeremy might have to draw this from memory at home tonight. Jeremy unbuckles Michael’s belt and tugs down his jeans. That Michael’s letting him be a little rough isn’t surprising at this point, but it still thrills him.

Barring other, more extreme options, Jeremy decides on a handjob. Who doesn’t like a handjob? He spits into his hand to ease the stroke, but Michael is evidently the kind of guy who produces precome like a mo’fo. Each pass from head to base and back Michael feels a little wetter. As he gets closer to the edge he curls down on himself again, this time a genuine movement. His forehead ends up buried in Jeremy’s shoulder and they have enough height difference that it’s actually a significant bend. For the second time today, Jeremy has to bite the inside of his cheek as he feels Michael’s hot damp breath heat his skin. A newfound kink of his, apparently, though god knows how he’ll search for it on XTube.

Jeremy’s careful about the angle of Michael’s cock when he comes. Thank the Gods of Quick Cleanup, it ends up mostly on the floor instead of on their clothes.

Michael doesn’t seem to be one for a long afterglow. Or maybe it’s just the circumstances. Either way, he’s picking up his jeans far before Jeremy’s ready to stop looking at his hot, spent body. It’s Jeremy’s cue to rinse his hands in the sink and start fixing his own clothes. His undershirt gets stuck to his sweaty skin, and it’s a bitch and a half to tug it into place.

There they are, both standing dressed and ready for life to go on. Except Jeremy’s not completely sure how to make that happen. “What do we do now?”

“Well you should go find some shit to explain why you’ve been gone, and I’m gonna play Crossy Road on my phone for ten minutes to really drive home the illusion of ass-shattering fast food shits.”

“Um, okay. Yeah that makes sense.” Fuck, what did he even say when he left the room? It was less than twenty minutes ago, but his brain has offloaded that memory to better imprint this one.

Michael watches for a minute then continues, “but that’s clearly not what you meant, because you’re still standing here, so, what?”

Man is this not the sweetest post-orgasm pillow talk Jeremy’s ever had. And definitely nothing like how his aftercare kink fantasies go either. “I dunno.”

“Jeremy!” Michael snaps.

“Look, do you want to play video games after work maybe. Or maybe more sex?”

“Depends. Do you want me to keep the collar?”

How in the sweet fucking hell is Jeremy supposed to answer that? The honest answer is Jeremy has spent the last ten years gathering a porn collection where two or more individuals do brutal shit, exert each other enough that it has to end with cuddling and soothing words and spreading arnica over the worst of the bruises. But if Michael doesn’t lean that way -and honestly all accounts point to Michael having more of a dressing up fetish than anything else- it might be off-putting as fuck. Why else would he ask, if it wasn’t a deal maker or breaker?

Jeremy goes with honesty, as clueless as it makes him seem. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

Michael makes a face at him. “Step one. If you want us to do shit, be more fucking decisive.”

Uggggh. Here goes nothing, and by nothing he means his sex life and his future of being happy. “Fine. Have it around your neck and wear something that goes with it, when I come over at nine.”

Michael laughs, a big smirking thrilled chuckle, like it’s the middle of Off Topic and someone just fucked up pouring their beer. “That’s more like it, Lil J.”

Jeremy knows he’s sealed his professional doom. He’s absolutely going to flub a hundred times the rest of the day, every time he thinks about Michael naked except for a collar and wristcuffs thick like the sweat bracelets he always used to wear when Jeremy was still a fan. Or maybe it’ll be leather with leather, the collar and jeans tight enough to show off his ass and a GTA style bomber jacket with no shirt underneath. Or hell, maybe Michael’s got a slutty club kid persona; the collar and a mesh shirt and electric blue short shorts. It seems unlikely, but so did the latex fetish nurse outfit.

“Earth to Lil J. Go the fuck back to work, I’ll be out in a bit.”

Yeah, he’s already doing it. There goes any nice future YouTube comments for today’s uploadable content. Still, it’s a small price to pay for knowing Michael’s got the residue of his come on his tongue until he drinks his next beer, and that that and more will happen tonight.

[sandcastles-hedestroys]

1-70 I want to know it all in great detail

I see, the key to getting asks is to passive-aggressively tag your friends.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Anyone who has ever known me in real life knows I absolutely do not. I have an alcoholic, compulsive liar for a mother and an absent father, plus some grandparents who are so convinced that they are my actual parents that they would probably kick me out if they learned I refer to them as my grandparents. Fun times.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

Either my dog or yours lol. I don’t like telling people I love them. That’s something to be shown through your actions, otherwise the word loses its meaning. 

03: Do you regret anything?

I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve regretted basically every major decision I’ve made, and I probably shouldn’t be allowed to think for myself. If I had to name a few things that I regret right now, I would say I regret spending my spring break being so bitter. I really did have a good time, but I would have enjoyed myself more if I hadn’t tried to make it about me. My other big regret at the moment is cancelling my campus residence app. I screwed myself out of a guaranteed place and now I’m stuck with a bunch of drama and uncertainty. Also, there’s a friend that I’ve had for years and there were times when I was pretty horrible to her and she stuck with me despite it. I wish I had been mature enough at the time to be the person she needed in her life, instead of causing drama.

04: Are you insecure?

Extremely. I have a lot of insecurities about my body, mostly my face and hair, but a lot of my family in underweight and it was kind of instilled in me, that to be attractive I had to be underweight, like I remember when I started high school I made it a goal to stay below 110lbs until after graduation. I was still growing so that goal was as unrealistic as it was unhealthy. I’ve struggled with disordered eating since I was like 12. Other than that I can be really insecure about asking for the things I want and need. One of my biggest fears is people seeing me as selfish.

05: What is your relationship status?

I’m a single Pringle! I was in a relationship for a few months, but I got dumped because I consistently put my friends before her, which is funny because I’m in the middle of some conflicts with friends over not talking with them enough. I’ve been on a few dates and stuff since then, but I’m in a bad place right now mental health wise, so being single is probably for the best rn. 

06: How do you want to die?

This is kind of dark, but I don’t really care how I die as long as I’m in control of how it happens. If there’s a really wild and interesting story involved that would be even better. 

07: What did you last eat?

I’m munching on some green chili peanuts with a crap ton of Diet Coke. I’m at home right now so I’ve been eating way more than usual.

08: Played any sports?

I used to do ballet, gymnastics, contemporary and jazz, as well as various ballroom dances. I’ve blocked most of it out and lost a lot of my flexibility, but I would love to return to ballet at some point. I miss gymnastics too, but I’m too tall for it lol.

09: Do you bite your nails?

I’ve always been weirdly prideful of my nails and the thought of biting them has always freaked me out, like my nails are my babies. Keeping them nice is a big deal to me so my chompers can stay the hell away lmao

10: When was your last physical fight?

I’ve never actually been in a physical fight. The closest encounters were last semester, when my old roommate got a concussion from a crazy person that used to live with us, and a few years ago when I let a friend slap me.

11: Do you like someone?

I’m assuming this means like like. I’m not super interested in dating right now, but there have been people that have sparked my interest recently.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

I am smol and weak. My fragile shell of a body would actually start to disintegrate if I tried this. I’ve only made it to 24hrs once and my body like completely shut down.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

I don’t like using the word hate for the same reasons I don’t like using the word love. There are people that I will not associate myself with and there are people in my life that I don’t feel any positive emotions towards, but there isn’t anyone that I could comfortably say I hate. 

14: Do you miss someone?

There are a lot of people from my life a few years back that I really miss, but I have to remind myself that I was a different person then, and some bonds are meant to be broken. I also really miss a lot of the friends I have at school. I take them for granted until we’re apart and then I feel all hallow, like part of me left too and that really sucks.

15: Have any pets?

I have a Chihuahua-weiner mix. He’s super old and he doesn’t have a tail and his name is Bob. He’s great. My aunt’s dog is basically my dog too, and he’s a pit mix. His name is Chester and he is actually a giant teddy bear. My friends have a doggo too, her name is Gwen and I am her aunt. She is the most talented and amazing fluffer who deserves the world.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

I’m at that weirdly numb point right now where emotions are like a foreign concept to me. I’ve been super stressed and I have a lot of pretty serious decisions at the back of my mind that I can do nothing about at the moment. I’m super behind on my schoolwork and with all this stress, I know I can’t catch up. It’s super frustrating and there’s been a lot of drama amongst my friend group, making me feel like I can’t really trust anyone in my life right now. My age has been preventing me from doing so much recently and since my birthday is around the corner, even the people who claim to understand have been super condescending about my anger over it. There have also been a lot of deaths recently in the city where I go to school, and I’ve learned that death is a bit of a trigger for me, so that hasn’t been fun. I feel like I’m one serious breakdown from being there myself and that’s super scary. 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Somehow, no.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

When I was little I was really afraid of spiders and would go out of my way to have them killed. I had intense breakdowns whenever I thought a web touched me. Now, I regret having hurt innocent creatures and I think spiders are really cool. Leave the land crabs alone!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Yeah, knowing what I know now, I think that it would be cool to try and get myself to the point where I am now, but without a lot of the drama.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

My dorm room lol. 

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m taking a greyhound back to my college town on Saturday, and Sunday I’m returning to my normal schedule. I’m not looking forward to that eight hour bus ride.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I’m kind of a lone wolf, and I really want to travel so kinds aren’t really in the picture, at least not until I’ve gotten my doctorate. Even then I would either adopt or use a donor, and I wouldn’t have more than two. 

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Right now only my ears are pierced, but I plan on getting my septum done in May, followed by a double medusa. I also really want dimples and a brow done. Eventually I’d do my nipples and stomach as well.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’ve always been geared toward the liberal arts. I love all things involving art, history, and languages. I low-key have always enjoyed math too. I’m working on my bachelors in comparative cultural studies with minors in queer studies and museum studies. I want to carry that on to a masters in gender studies and a phd in Buddhist art. After that I’d like to go back to school fo economics and eventually obtain a masters in economic history.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss people from my past when I’m unsatisfied with the people currently in my life. I have to remind myself that they aren’t around anymore for a reason and that it’s more important to work on the relationships that are relevant. Dwelling on the past does more harm than good. 

26: What are you craving right now?

Some love and affection? I’m not craving anything really. I could just use some peace and quiet.

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes. I’ve broken an ex’s heart when I ended the relationship. I was unhappy, to the point where I cheated. This was also the point when I started to question if I was actually a lesbian. I dumped him and never told him why. I broke my friend’s heart when I led her on, but then rejected her because I was in love with someone else (who did something similar to me). I broke my aunt’s heart when I told her I felt like I don’t have a family. I broke my biological mother’s heart when I made it clear that I didn’t want her in my life. I’m pretty good at the whole hurting others thing. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

It’s very possible, but if someone did, they never told me.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I can’t name a specific time, but I’m sure it’s happened.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

What isn’t irritating me right now? Oh my god. 

31: Does somebody love you?

I’ve had a lot of people tell me they do, but I have a hard time feeling it most of the time.

32: What is your favourite color?

I love every color, and I don’t like making colors feel left out, so my favorite changes a lot. Right now it’s yellow, because yellow is a bright, warm, happy color. I also really like pink. The pastels of both of those are 10/10

33: Do you have trust issues?

I legit don’t even trust myself. The only person I honestly trust 100% is my aunt. I have really bad trust issues, but I also overshare a ton. My life is a cycle of sharing my life story and then panicking. 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

The other night I went to sleep while drunk and I had this wild dream where I met someone, learned his whole life story, flirted and eventually fell in love with him, came out to him, saying I’m not sexually attracted to guys (he came out as ace too so it was perf), and then he was hit by a car, causing irreparable brain damage. I woke up right after, but that dream will haunt me.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My aunt. I was updating her on my life in college, and it’s been less than ideal.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

I’m a huge believer of forgive but don’t forget. I used to be so bad about grudges that I would be angry even after forgetting what I was upset about. I guess I have the opposite issue here.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. Like I said above, I might forgive you, but knowing what someone did before will always leaving me searching for instances of them doing it again. Trust issues who?

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

It’s only March and I already know that it will be one of the worst years of my life. Ugh.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I think I was thirteen. I didn’t know how I felt about guys at the time and I almost puked in that poor dude’s mouth. 

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

I have, and it was terrifying. Midday skinny dipping wasn’t one of my greatest ideas.

51: Favourite food?

Avocado on toast with a poached egg on top, muffuletta, yellow curry, and eggs benedict are my top ones.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Absolutely. I didn’t really believe this until my roommate’s big fight last year. So much happened in one night, that wouldn’t have happened if we had done things even a second later. It was wild, but it was like there was so much pent up negative energy that the universe needed to release, and it found a way to make that happen.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

I put some food away.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

The thing about cheating is that it’s when you go out of your way to do something with someone else when you know it would hurt your current partner. It’s something that happens when you aren’t happy in your relationship, and in a lot of cases it can be a cry for help. It is hurtful and a sign that a relationship isn’t meant to be, but cheaters shouldn’t always be villainized.

55: Are you mean?

I can be, but I try not to.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

None, lol

57: Do you believe in true love?

Not really. There are so many people that we have things in common with or who exist on the same wavelength. We might find someone that makes us happy for a long while, but nothing is permanent.

58: Favourite weather?

I love hot, sunny days when you can leave windows open, wear shorts, and only drink things with ice. 

59: Do you like the snow?

I lived in Alaska for over nine years before moving to the Sonoran desert. I moved to Northern Arizona for school, and when I saw snow again, it was as an adult who only saw the negative aspects of it. I hate being cold.

60: Do you wanna get married?

I don’t see myself ever being married. I would have to really love someone if I were to actually settle down and start a life with them. Right now I really only see it as something that would tie me down.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I honestly hate baby as a pet name. It freaks me out. The only pet names I find cute are the unusual ones, like once when an ex accidentally called me cornbread.

62: What makes you happy?

Getting my nails done, binging my favorite show (Archer), travel, doggos, wandering around in stores with my music blasting so I can feel like I’m somewhere away from my problems, seeing people impressed with food I made, completing a project and being proud of my work, etc.

63: Would you change your name?

I hate my birth name, but I’m also afraid I’ve been conditioned to feel that way by my grandparents as a way to attack my bio mom. Because of that, I’ve been going by my middle name and various nicknames. Most people close to me call me Abby, but my favorite thing is to be called Lynn. I’m pretty hesitant to legally change it though.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

Yeah, the last person I kissed kinda sexually assaulted me, and I’d like to avoid that.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Reject them as nicely as possible. Dating would be bad for me right now, and I’m pretty sure I’m not sexually attracted to men.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

I don’t think I have a best friend, period. I don’t think I’m entirely myself around anyone through. Different people will bring out different parts of my personality.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Not sure tbh. 

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My aunt. The conversation we had about my life at school was pretty emotional.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

No, for the same reason I don’t believe in true love. Life is too impermanent for there to be someone our soul fits with perfectly. There is too much change for something to be predetermined like that. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for? 

Anyone who has ever been somewhat nice too me. Honestly though I would be willing to die for a lot of people. The thought of anyone else having to suffer really sucks and if I can save them from that, I would.

[pomegranate-salad]

This is what I see, welcome to reality

I wrote this on perversion in books and wicdiv to cope with today. As one does. I want to state that this is a topic that is in my sense underexplored outside of individual examples, meaning everything I’m saying here comes from my own thoughts and not any literary theory, so give it the credit you see fit. Mention of Deadly Class spoilers, abuse, and hope, maybe.

As usual, let’s start with a bit of oversharing. When I was I prep school, I had a math teacher who was an honest-to-god pervert. I’m not talking about a mean teacher, or a creep, I am talking about a pervert in the clinical sense. Every Wednesday, for four hours in a row, students would have to get to the board one by one, and remain there to be demeaned and humiliated over a problem they couldn’t solve, sometimes standing there for half an hour, until they were sent to their seat crying. Then, at lunch break, our teacher would seek the student still crying in the hallway. Not to console them, to tell them they could do it, or to apologize ; no, it was to tell them that thanks to him, they would manage to get better.

One of my friends was driven close to suicide by his verbal abuse. Yet, when she had to redo a year and had to choose whether or not to switch schools, she decided to stay because “our teacher is just so good at pushing students”. She was not the only one. I spent the year pointing out the obvious abuse to my fellow students, yet gradually, it was as if they were losing the ability to see or acknowledge it. People who were revolted by his way of speech at the beginning of the year were eating in his hand a few months later. But in these few months, any standard of acceptable behaviour was removed to be replaced by a unique reference, a unique basis. Soon, my fellow students started complaining that the other teachers weren’t hard enough on us, that to be the best of the bests you had to be under constant pressure. How could we complain that he was being mean to us ? Could we pass our entrance exam without him ? Of course not. We needed him. Without him, we were nothing.

 This is what a pervert does : cause pain, destroy a person’s self-esteem, trust and hope, and then replace it all with dependence to him. A pervert is not satisfied with making someone suffer : this person has to fall on their knees and say thank you. A pervert will lock you up and make you say they’re your way out.

But doing so doesn’t only involve destroying anything in your life that could help you get out, it also involves destroying the very idea of getting out. Why pretend you’re a good teacher despite abusing your students when you can convince everyone a good teacher is necessarily an abusive one ? A pervert goes after your values. The abstractions you believe in, without even realizing it, forming a net ready to catch you when you fall. When life gets hard, when relationships become complicated, when you fail, then you still have hope, friendship, self-love. Even when life is messy and you feel lost, you still know that truth exists. Values and principles bigger than you are still there even when you don’t see them around you.

But these abstract concepts are fleeting. They need reinforcing. Most of the time, a turn of the wheel is enough ; you were doubting, but then something comes along that makes you trust yourself again.

But when a pervert comes along, they will surround you with their presence, and they’ll start choking those values until there is no standard to refer yourself to, no principle to go by, to value to aspire to. You can lose friends and still believe in friendship ; when a demanding partner refuses you see your friends for months and months, tells you they don’t really like you anyway, when your friends start attacking you out of frustration for your blindness, it becomes harder to believe in friendship. You can be lied to and still know the truth exists ; when someone starts lying to your face, makes you doubt everything you hear, it becomes harder to believe there even is a truth. Systematically, one after the other, every benchmark erodes, until you have no scale, no basis to your judgement, no way to determine what is normal anymore. And when this happens, then the only lighthouse in your life will be the towering tyrant holding the keys to your world, because they built the bars themself.

 The subject of perversion has been on my mind a lot lately, for obvious reasons. But just like any psychological subject, it also exists in the media we consume. The way a pervert acts has been seized by countless pieces of media, not just to showcase it but to use it within their very foundation. Every book, movie, comic, builds a rapport with its reader. This rapport can be made of trust or doubt, fascination or disdain. Social and moral values are decisive when consuming a piece of media, because we are trained to expect positive consequences to acting according to principles, and negative ones when we break a social standard. Our normality when entering a story is one built by social values : get rewarded or get punished by acting within or outside their norm. Every creator has to play with these expectations in order to make a point about whatever values society holds. It’s not rare for a piece of media to try and get the reader out of their comfort zone, to deconstruct values the reader might take for granted. But what I call a perverse piece of media – with no implication that the author is themself a pervert – is one that has no other goal than to systematically destroy every established value the reader might have, to take away their sense of normality when approaching the story. There is of course no comparing a real-life abuser to what a book might do to its reader. But it can be enlightening to interpret the way certain books toy with and wreck their audience’s principles to the point where none of them has any relevance to the story.

A classic example would be Emile Zola’s towering saga The Rougon-Macquart : over the course of 20 books, any principled character sees themself degraded, every display of humanity is immediately punished, while the dregs of humanity gets what they want. Again, it’s nothing unusual for books to feature unfairness, to reward the absence of principles. But what makes this series not only cruel, but perverse in my sense, is the way it rams at higher values until they’re proven not only feeble, but completely vain. It’s not enough that Gervaise from the Dram Shop should fall into alcoholism despite having grown up with an alcoholic and trying her damnedest to stay away from the danger ; first it must be demonstrated that her efforts make absolutely no difference. First her entire world must fall apart because of alcoholism, then she is shown giving in to it. This is to me what perversion in a text looks like : acknowledge a value the readership holds – resisting degradation – and then destroy any impact this value might have on the character’s fate until the reader is just as convinced as Gervaise that there was no way she could escape her family’s stain. The menace has become our only key of comprehension of the character. The book replaces our values with its reality, a reality in which the only normality is the one it dictates. The same way a pervert isolates their victim from society until all standard is lost, a perverse book isolates its reader from the world they hold as real and drags them into a reality with no value, no other verity than the one it conjures at every page turn.

I’ve found this kind of world-building through merciless deconstruction of real-life values again recently in a comic : Deadly Class. Every arc in Deadly class takes on one specific moral value and then goes on to demonstrate its futility in the world it created. Maria’s bravery, Marcus’ aspirations of freedom, Willie’s kindness, Saya’s devotion to her friends, they all come not to support them but to hinder them in their quest for survival. Every noble impulse leads to death, any selfless move is the wrong one. It’s the prisoner’s dilemma with every inmate ratting on you. In the current arc, when master Lin tells Saya her nobility puts her in danger, you might not believe him, but you believe him more than at the beginning of the series. Every moral value was put on display to be proven futile ; every character’s death has buried their highest quality with them. Again, here lies the difference between a cruel book and a perverse one : a cruel book makes its character suffer for their actions but doesn’t question the higher values that led them here, a perverse one is after the principle ; the character is only the demonstration. By the end of arc 4, the reader knows no good deed is ever a guarantee of good results. If anything, any positive gesture is received with suspicion, as we know it will be used against a character later in the story. Deadly class has completely inverted the code of values with which we interpret the world : it dictates its own laws with every page, with every unjust death, with every treason, and each time our grip on our own normality gets a bit looser. The only thing to do now is to turn another page and wait for the story to provide us with reality, a reality that can no longer be compared or judged, but only accepted.

 To reiterate, I am not accusing Emile Zola, Rick Remender and Wes Craig of being perverts. I am not accusing the Rougon-Macquart or Deadly Class of being bad books. The Dram shop is a masterpiece and Zola, if you don’t know, was assassinated for taking a public stance against the tide of antisemitism.  Deadly Class is a gorgeously drawn, impeccably oiled story, the same way a military parade is impeccably oiled. There is much to be said for works that manage to drag you so deep inside their world you cannot grasp at your own reality anymore. Much to be learnt from them too. But in days like today, there is just as much to be said for works that stubbornly refuse to let themselves become perverse.

 The Wicked + the Divine is not a perverse book. In many ways, it is the opposite of a perverse book. It has become comically hard to praise something for daring to have ideals. Cynicism is an epidemic ; the marketing of a caricature of moral values so removed from reality they have lost any meaning, from feel-good anthems to Manichean summer blockbusters, has caused the knee-jerk reaction to any “inspirational��� piece to be disdain and mockery. Optimists are deemed popcorn creators, pawns of the establishment. Great art comes from demolition.

But here’s the reality : swinging a fist at someone’s principles is damn easy. Rebuilding them afterwards, and rebuilding them better, is another story. For some reason it has become a sign of naïveté to still be harboring values while the world becomes a shitshow. I don’t know many steps of human progress that have been made out of cynicism. I know a bunch of them that were taken out of higher aspirations.

Wicdiv is not a faux-inspirational work. It doesn’t shy away from the increasing inadequacy between higher standards and the ruthlessness of reality. And yet it aggressively clings to these higher standards, refuses to pervert them to establish its own world where values don’t matter and you are free to impose the reality you want to your readers.  And yet it would have been so easy for wicdiv to do so. The news Ananke delivers to Luci in issue #4 has taken another meaning in light of current political events : the fact that she must remain in prison despite claiming her innocence is not just unfair, it also means the pantheon implicitly accepts her culpability as the reality. Did she do it ? It doesn’t matter, as long as the story works for the greater good. Truth is the last thing anyone cares about. And when Luci breaks out, it is not to claim her innocence, but out of desperation, and in a sense, ready to accept the imposed reality as the only reality.  If wicdiv had stopped there then we would have learned the futility of truth within its world.

But then you have Laura, seventeen years old, standing for what she has seen and heard. A woman who has decided to trust herself instead of the most powerful and adored people in the world. Through Laura, Luci and the readership hear the same thing : the truth does matter. And the story will not rest until it has been uncovered. There is a touch of sublime in that moment, in the way it seems to restore balance, in an instant, to a crumbling world. Why should we care about the truth ? Because the story cares.

A similar moment happens in issue #20, when after seeing Persephone’s story, Cass tells her she is sorry. It’s a small gesture, but has anyone cared to make it before or after her ? Why should we assume that human decency still exists in this world if no one ever displays it ? Kindness, empathy, the simple acknowledgement of grief and pain, should never be taken for granted. They are not a primal impulse, but a socially crafted behaviour that must be enforced to keep existing. Despite the gods and x-men fighting, this is still our world, and these people are still human.

 Even more impressively, wicdiv doesn’t hesitate to showcase how easily these values can be weakened. After Ananke's death, Tara’s description reads : “killed by Ananke in assisted suicide to frame Baphomet. No one buys it now.” And just like that, the story of a murder becomes the story of another one, once again a crude caricature of a complex reality, turning with the wind as the louder voice demands it. Yes, it would be easy to leave it there. But I have no doubt that wicdiv will eventually make it right by the truth. And it’s not something that I can say about a lot of works. Just like there aren’t a lot of works I can read knowing that behind the injustice, the hardships and even the cruelty, there is a world still standing for me to climb on. No matter how much our characters keep failing, they will not take down what is really important with them. Friendship matters. Love matters. Truth matters. Kindness matters. It makes a difference. We can make a difference.

  Maybe I sound naïve. But maybe this is a mantra we will all need in the years to come, as the most powerful pervert on earth and everyone acting alongside him will come after these principles, one after the other, and will sully them until it looks like none of them even exists out of fairy tales. During these times, I don’t expect wicdiv, or any work, to save us. But if we’re in for years of gaslighting, then we should be thankful for any work that still dares to tell us that yes, the lights are indeed flickering. So thank you, Kieron Gillen, Jamie Mckelvie, Matt Wilson, Clayton Cowles, Chrissy Williams, and everyone else involved in making Wicdiv. Thank you, Wicdiv fandom, for providing me for beautiful, touching, funny posts, and making the comic live. What you do matters. And that is the truth.

[angry--tiresia]

Why I’m fucked up [part 1]

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’

YES THIS IS ME OVERSHARING

There’ll be 3 parts I think;

1) I always feel stupid

2) I always feel ugly

3) I always feel unwanted

So;

1) Me feeling stupid. In primary school I was bullied, nothing big, a beating here and there but mostly just threats and repeated public humiliation. This made me hate everything to do with school and I don’t think I ever studied for a single test, however it was a rich afrikaans school, and this is an incredibly important point, being in a good school makes it hard to do badly. So even though I did terribly in comparison to my classmates, compared to most people from worse schools I did great. That obviously didn’t matter and I was constantly laughed at for my marks. 

Then I decided to change environment to an artschool, started acting classes a week before the audition, and I got in. This school used to accept 10% of applicants based on their audition and every other person in my class had been acting for years and had usually starred in at least one piece of commercial media - I was totally out of my depth and had a lot to catch up, and was again, continually humiliated for my inability to just know what to do. But by the end of the four years I kind of knew what I was doing and it was acknowledged, but by then I’d had years of insecurity buidling up. 

Now this school was amazing for the arts, heck even Charlize Theron went there, but in every other aspect it was truly horrible, with teachers blatantly lying to students. For maths, I could count the number of problems we did in a year on one hand. I was best friends with someone who worked 8 hours every day, so they did well, but from primary school - [and an initial month or so in the begining of high school where no teacher would translate single words in test questions/content because I was learning the language] - I knew that I was too stupid to ever reach that point. So they too humiliated me nearly every day, sometimes with a bit of a crowd, for how stupid I was. In grades 10 and 11 my maths teacher called me in at least once a week to tell me that I really don’t have enough intelligence for pure mathematics, and I should rather do mathematical literacy.

But I wanted to become immortal, to get to a point where I was better than I am now, and to do that I’d have to do biology, at a good uni, so I needed maths, and in matric my dad finally convinced me to do some work and I ended up getting the second best marks in my class, with my best friend [whom I was obviously inferior to] got the best marks of anyone in years. 

So I got into a good uni for science. But I wanted to prove to everyone for once and for all that I wasn’t an idiot, so though I did biology I also did pure physics and pure maths. And here’s a part to understand, for the past five years I’d been taught crap for maths. And doing maths trains your brain to do maths, it trains you to think in a certain way, and not only was I in class with people that had come from schools that had reputations and were significantly better than mine. And not only that, but the vast, vast majority of them had taken subjects in high school that I had never heard of, ones that had covered essentially the entire first year of mathematics. Throughout this year I was repeatedly laughed at and called an idiot. And even my closest friends would make jokes, for years afterwards, about my stupidity, the only comfort for 3 years being from my best friend [and fp for those that understand bpd] ; “It’s not your fault you made friends with clever people”. 

In second year I decided to do physics instead of biology, but at that point the people in my class had again, done applied mathematics in first year, something that was not required but was assumed knowledge for physics, and again, I cannot emphasis enough, it trains their brains to solve that kind of problem, and be more malleable to learn solve those kinds of problems. Objectively at this point I was years and years behind everyone else. It was during this time that my best friend again made a joke that for some reason goes in the book of things that people have said that completely change the way I see the world, myself and the way I act - it was that moment that I was finally convinced that, yes, after almost 14 years of being told I was stupid on a near daily basis, that I was in fact stupid. Even before this, the opinions of people outside my field didn’t matter to me because all my degree was was a mask to hide my stupidity, and I knew fully that any of them could do everything a million times better. 

I have tried to fix this, but it’s impossible, I’m to this day seen to be the stupidest person in my friend group, most recently we were at a restaurant and someone made a comment of “who would be the most likely to invent teleportation” and everyone pointed at my best friend, [except said best friend who pointed at me, n’caaw]. Someone said “But [referring to me] has a degree in physics” To which the response obviously is “But [best friend] has the brain for it”. 

And my favorite thing is to hear people say “You shouldn’t care about what people think” when they’ve been showered with affirmation for years. The best I’ve gotten is my room mate saying “No, you’re not stupid”, in the same way you would tell a dog “Oh you’re a good boy” and my best friend [only in the past year and a bit] saying “I think you’re smart”. And my parents, and I can’t deny the solid base they gave me, but a solid base can only take you that far.

My second favourite thing to hear is, upon asking for help [which takes nth level courage btw] “I don’t know any better than you” when they’ve literally already made the most perfect decisions or answers for that exact question and you’re entirely lost cause you don’t have 4+ years of direct experience in that field/thing because this is the first time in your life you’re seeing it. 

And logically I can see why I feel the way I do. The moment I get good at something I drop it to throw myself into a field that I know nothing about. At the end of high school I auditioned for the new york film academy, and at the time they had no bursaries for South African kids, but they wanted me so badly they sent a million letters to a million sponsors to try get my tuition paid for, but my audition had been live and no bursary came. At the end of my physics degree I went to one of the professors that I thought wasn’t too horrible, and I pitched an idea to him about how to model the fundamental forces in a more unified manner, to which the response was ‘It sounds amazing and innovative, but I simply don’t know enough to be able to tell you anything more’, and had to send me to an expert in the field, who liked the idea enough to want to make me do a project that would lead into it for a masters project, unfortunately I couldn’t. Or my current supervisor, upon hearing my ideas on the possibilities of time travel offered to write me a recommendation letter to the most prestigious theoretical physics institute in the world.

But instead of pursuing any of that I’m throwing myself into software engineering, again, a field I know nothing about, where I will be laughed at and humiliated for not knowing.

And what’s shattering about it all is the way it changes the way I interact. Earlier this year a friend said “I’m going to see a Wagner opera - you’ve probably never heard of him” and instead of replying “No, actually I know Wagner’s work pretty intimately, I can’t agree with the directing style he pioneered, nor his style, however his concept of the ubermensch really inspired me for a while”, I said “yeah, I don’t know much. I think I might have heard his name before” Because, lets be real, they almost definitely know so much more than me. 

Or last year I was on set with friends and someone was constructing a grid and they simply wanted to know that if they had [say] 20 tiles and the grid had to be 4 tiles wide, how many layers deep the grid would be. They were 100% in arts and honestly didn’t know how to do it, and in front of a small group of people they asked me, as they knew I was a final year astrophysics - physics major. But in that moment I was too insecure to be able to lift my voice to divide 20 by 4. So I rather said “No, ask [this friend] they know better”

I’m terrified of giving my opinion because I know chances are that it’s wrong, because I’m stupid, and the person I’m telling will know better, and they will see my mistake, and they will make fun of me. AND  when I do gain the confidence to give my opinion, usually only to the people very closest to me, they will stop listening to me halfway through my sentence, and I would end it with “Oh, you’re right, no one cares”, and not a single person has ever noticed. Most notably [because I suffer from jealousy when it comes to this person] was when me and my best friend were out, but she was talking to this guy on her phone [someone I’m jealous of for the attention she gives him - I’ll get to his in the ‘unwanted’ section], and eventually she clearly felt bad for straight up ignoring me [lol this is actually seen as abuse towards people with bpd] she said that they were talking about the ethics of supporting a politician who’s personal life contradicts his policy - and, other than being totally jealous of the ability to have such a conversation - she asked for my opinion. So I gave my first point of his policy affecting more people than his personal life so I’d vote for them, to which she responded that ‘he can’t be trusted to stick to his policy if he doesn’t believe in it’. I was a full sentence into my reply when she looked down at her phone and started to message him, and it was just, once again, such a thorough “Lol your opinion doesn’t matter cause you’re stupid and who cares, but his on the other hand” As a safety check I again ended with “Oh yeah you don’t care” with no response. And this also, not from her spesifically, happens about once a week, perhaps once every two weeks, but if we’re going with this week I think we’re going on 3 already and it’s monday.

So, my final note is, why would I feel anything but stupid? On some logical level I want to say that I know I’m not stupid; but it never feels like that, and in addition to that, what evidence is there that I’m not stupid? There is literally none, and significant, 14+ years, worth of proof that I’m an idiot. 

Also sorry for grammar/spelling typos, I’m really tired. 

REBLOG WITH YOUR OWN ‘WHY I’M FUCKED UP’ 

[victorianpastel]

Dossier: Damien Bloodmarch

This is the mobile-friendly version of Damien’s about page. You can find a link to the mobile-friendly version of his rules HERE.

——— IMPORTANT NOTE; This blog treats the ‘cult ending’ as canon, which means that supernatural forces exist within the universe, including but not limited to whatever entity is involved with Joseph and the Dover Ghost. Generally speaking, I follow the headcanons on this crafted by neverkncw, who has far more time and patience for that sort of thing than I do. Eventually a post may be drafted detailing what this means for Damien, however for the time being it simply remains an option to be explored.

Dossier

Name: Damien Allen Bloodmarch Date of Birth: September 14, 1976 Titles/Aliases: “Goth Dad”, “Vampire Dad”, “Count Dad”(once, by Lucien in a good mood) Race: Human/Dad Gender/Orientation: Male/Bisexual Height: 6'1"

Strengths

Intelligence; Damien Bloodmarch could not lead the life he does if he were not wildly intelligent and able to put that intelligence to good use. While not quite able to afford going to a prominent school, Damien did receive a full ride to a mediocre college, where after attaining his bachelor’s in Information Technology, he went on to gain a master’s degree in the same field. Despite his old-fashioned preferences, computers and other technologies do come easily to Damien, and the man is a sponge for new knowledge. He could easily return to college and gain further degrees(he has considered becoming a history professor), however raising Lucien comes before furthering his own knowledge. Perhaps someday in the future, though, he’ll return to where he’s happiest.

Victorian Trivia; Damien became obsessed with the Victorian era of culture as a young teenager- in the middle of his rebellious and ‘edgy’ phase, as luck would have it. He spent time consuming any form of media pertaining to it, and over time learned to discern the good from the bad, and to integrate it into his life. It began with simple, gentlemanly customs, and a shift in fashion towards more stiff and formal(albeit still very dark) clothing, and continued to grow into changes to his room’s decor to reflect the time with vintage and replica furniture. It was when he was in college, however, still struggling to make friends, that he lost his parents and found true solace in his passions. The Victorian way of handling death, of treating it as a process of mourning and a celebration of the lives of the deceased, aided him greatly when he did not have people he could truly reach out to. After becoming successful in his career, Damien threw himself full force into crafting a life that reflected what he was passionate about, without compromising modern values that he agreed with, and modern conveniences.

Penmanship; Among the skills that Damien has picked up in his quest to recreate the aesthetic of the Victorian gentleman, Damien has developed excellent skills in the lost art of penmanship and calligraphy. He has very steady hands, and can write quite legibly, or quite elaborately. It’s a skill he’s very proud of, and makes use of often by corresponding through letters rather than texts whenever possible.

Performance Arts; A mastery of musical instruments is a hallmark of Victorian high society, and so naturally Damien has aimed to meet this standard. He is a talented singer, and can play the piano and violin, and is in the process of mastering the flute. In addition to this, however, he has also mastered an art one would not immediately recognize- and that is acting. Damien is not nearly as much the confident, Victorian gentleman as he projects, though he strives to be. For the time being it is one of many masks that he wears, one of many layers of performance one must get through before recognizing what’s underneath. There is truth to every act, however, and each act is designed to protect him in its own way. 

Pressure Points

Horror Films; Despite his fascination with death and with ‘darker’ aspects of literature and culture, Damien has little stomach for what we classify as horror and thriller films. It’s not the dark concepts that bother him, but the extreme to which everything is taken. The gore is overdone, and the extensive set up is extremely off-putting for him. He’d much rather be entertained by something pleasant that helps him relax.

Conflicting Identities; Damien is a many-layered man, and because of this, he feels the need to put on a show. Always. Once he has presented himself a certain way, he feels extreme pressure to maintain only that part of himself around others, which forces him to neglect aspects of his own personality.

Acceptance; Because of his conflicting identities, Damien has convinced himself that others will not accept every part of him, only furthering the idea that he must only show the side they have seen, and this is something that was compounded by his wife’s behaviour. There are a few people who have managed to prove him wrong on this front, Mary chief among them, however he remains incredibly wary of showing new sides of himself to people- be they strangers or those he’s known for years.

Personal Connections; Damien is an eccentric man, and he has a tendency to hyper-focus and overshare when it comes to his interests. This can be off-putting, and makes it hard for him to gain close relationships with others and maintain them. this has contributed to his conviction that he will not be accepted for who he is, but it is still something he will tentatively reach out for from time to time.

Shipping

Damien actually falls in love quite easily- anyone who accepts his eccentricity and his obsessions without hesitation already has a foot in the door. It is because of his tendency to become enamoured early on, and the fact that he has been badly burned by it in the past, that he forces upon himself a very strict need for extended, and generally old fashioned courting times. If Damien takes an interest in someone, he will, with great subtlety, put them through fairly elaborate and subtle tests, probing not only for hints that the feeling may be returned, but far more importantly to ensure that they won’t be another bad decision. 

Because of this, if you want to ship with Damien, you will have to be his friend first. You must build a rapport, and you must prove yourself continually to be a truly accepting person.

Important Links

Biography [coming soon]

On Lucien & Lucien’s Mother [coming soon]

Verses

v: Goth Dad | Mainverse 01

v: Bat on the Block | Mainverse 02 (Actually A Vampire Edition)