#marvel crack fic

[late-to-the-party-81]

Because it's Eurovision! Okay..?

AN: I wanted to write this last year, but didn’t, and then the enablers in the BBE server forced encouraged me. So enjoy this cracky Avengers Tower fic, where nobody dies and everyone lives happily ever after.

Un-beta’d

Dividers by @firefly-graphics and moodboard by me

Masterlist

Relationship: - None - Just good old team bonding.

Word Count: 1k

CW: Eurovision spoilers, American confusion, Domestic Avengers

“Oki doki, kiddos - what’s so important we’ve brought forward movie night to…” Tony looked at his watch. “... 3 o’clock in the afternoon?”

He looked around the lounge in confusion as Nat, Wanda and Bucky rearranged all the sofas, cushions and beanbags. Flag bunting hung from the ceiling, and the small kitchenette counter was laden with various snacks.

“It’s Eurovision, Tony.” Nat’s tone of voice suggested that that explained it all.

It did not.

“Euro-what now?”

Wanda came up beside him and started to steer him towards one of the seats.

“Just sit down, Stark. It’s about to start. Now where are the others?”

She looked around, auburn hair flying, but relaxed as Clint walked in, a grin on his face, followed by Bruce, Steve, and Sam. Wanda looked around them and smiled as Vision floated through the wall and towards her.

Clint bounded forward, launching himself over the back of the sofa and bouncing down next to Tony.

“Boy, are you in for a treat! This is going to be epic.” He grinned, completely unfazed by the blank looks from the other men. 

Sam settled on one of the other couches after a stern glare from Bucky, Steve joining him.

“Umm, could you possibly explain further?”

“If you will allow me…” The dulcet tones of FRIDAY echoed through the room as Nat and Bucky continued to shift and shuffle things around their confused team mates. “The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual event held in mid May every year, where the countries across the European continent all submit a musical act singing an original song. There are two semi-finals and then the final 26 acts star in the Final.”

Steve still looked confused.

“Well, what do the winners get?”

“The winning country gets to host the competition the following year, providing a boost for tourism and culture.”

Bruce settled down on the third couch, somehow having already snagged a bowl of popcorn.

“So the songs are good then?”

Nat snorted derisively.

“Nope. They are camp and cheesy, with ludicrous outfits, smoke machines and lots of pyrotechnics. But that’s the joy of it. And lots of the countries sing in their own language, so you have no idea what the song is actually about.”

Tony’s eyes went wide, nothing any clearer than it was before.

“Then why are we watching?”

As one Nat, Bucky and Wanda turned towards him.

“Because it’s Eurovision.”

“Umm, okay then…” He sunk down into the cushions, not sure it was worth risking the ire of undoubtedly the most dangerous trio in the room. “Can I ask why Thor gets out of this…”

Just then, the building shook, the unmistakable rumbling and light display signifying the bifrost had just hit the roof.  “..Scratch that.”

Nat turned on the television and squished in next to Clint. Vision and Wanda snuggled down into the beanbags. Thor burst into the room a few minutes later, placing Mjolnir onto the countertop.

“I haven’t missed it, have I?”

He took the final space next to Bruce, who passed over the bowl of popcorn.

“It’s the flag parade, apparently.”

The blonde god leant forward, arms resting on his knees.

“Ooo. I know this one! That’s Norway. I like them.”

Bruce smiled and elbowed his friend.

“Of course you do, they still treat you like a god.”

Across the room, Steve leant over to Bucky to whisper in his ear.

“Can I ask, if this is a European competition, why are Australia taking part?”

“Because they love how camp it is, and asked if they could join in.”

“I’m going to be confused during this whole thing, aren’t I?”

“Uh-huh…” Bucky threw some M & Ms up in the air, catching them in his mouth.

Back on the central sofa, Nat started to bounce slightly.

“Here we go! Prepare to be amazed…”

For the next 2.5 hrs the team sat, glued to the television, all manner of emotions running through them as they watched the eclectic musical display.

“Am I missing something,” asked Sam. “Why are they singing about Edgar Allen Poe?”

Bucky shrugged. “Why not?”

“Okay..?”

Steve nudged Bucky.  

“Buck - what’s she singing?”

“About how her love for her man is driving her crazy, but she doesn’t know if he feels the same.”

“Okay..?”

“My love…”

“Yes, Vis?

“This is an anti-war song, isn’t it?”

“It is, Vis.”

“Okay..?”

“Earth to Sam! Earth to Sam!”

Tony threw a screwed up piece of paper across the room and watched Sam jolt and shake his head as it bounced off.

“What?”

“You seem a bit invested in the Cyprus act there….”

“Fuck off, Tony.”

“Okay..?”

“Nat?”

“Yes, Bruce?”

“I don’t want to be rude, but is there a reason she seems likes she’s dressed like a werewolf?”

“Because it’s Eurovision.”

“Umm…okay..?”

Thor was bouncing in his seat as the Finnish act started.  

“This is more like it!”

Bruce peered at the screen, as though the neon pink and green outfits were starting to give him a migraine.

“But…but what’s it about?”

“Going out drinking!”

“Okay..?”

“Errrrm, Buck…What the hell did I just watch?”

Bucky didn’t even turn his head at Steve’s question.

“Croatia.”

That didn’t really help. All Steve knew was that he’d just seen something he couldn’t unsee.

“Okay..?”

The act from the UK finished and Tony stood up, cracking his neck.

“Well, guys. Thanks for that, I think. But now that’s over…”

“Nope!” Nat reached across Clint, who’d fallen asleep between them, slowly drooling on a cushion, to grab hold of Tony’s t-shirt and pull him back down. “Now it’s the half time show while the voting is done, and then it’s the results. And this year, we can vote from outside Europe. Look, there’s an app and everything.”

Tony blinked slowly in disbelief. “When’s it due to finish?”

“About 7pm.”

“What!” At Tony’s shout Clint sat bolt upright, snorted and sucked up a string of drool. “This thing goes on for 4 hours. Like how?”

“BECAUSE IT’S EUROVISION!” Came the chanted reply, this time with Thor joining in.

“Okay..?”

Tony pulled out his phone and opened the app store with a shrug. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

“I got $50 on Finland. Who wants in?”

At 7.05pm Tony sat staring at the screen, mouth wide open as the others groaned and started to pass cash towards Bruce.

“What the fuck just happened?”

Bruce smiled and shrugged.

“It’s Eurovision, Tony.”

Tag list: @jobean12-blog @sidepartskinnyjeans @flordeamatista @krissy25 @bodeckersdiamonddoll @goldylions @luxeavenger @wheezy-stucky @doasyoudesireandlive @chemtrails-club @seitmai @peaches1958 @pono-pura-vida @writing-for-marvel

[buckyalpine]

I love Bucky loving his body. I love Bucky loved by the team. I love Bucky having his happy ending with a family. Imagine Bucky lounging around the sofa with his little baby girl tucked in his arm, her sweet face covered in frosting after smothering half of her cupcake onto her cheeks. The icing is bright red just like Tony's suit and it's his birthday party afterall, so everything is in full swing. Most of the cupcake is squished between her fingers, very little actually making it into her mouth but Bucky doesn't mind. He chuckles, watching her with heart eyes as she happily smears it onto his crisp white shirt, babbling and cooing, now sucking her thumb.

He is absolutely unbothered by this, all he sees is his happy little baby with her cheeky smile licking up all the frosting just like her mama. While Bucky couldn't care less about his shirt, a few others certainly did.

"Better get dunk that shirt into a bucket of tide pens Barnes" Clint snorted.

"Actually the quicker you get it off, the less likely it is to stain. Take it off now" Tony's voice went from fatherly advice to a seductive growl making Bucky's face twist in amusement, pink starting to color his cheeks.

"Yeah, give the little munchkin to y/n and take it off. Cause of the stain" Nat agreed, cocking an eyebrow. You giggled watching the scene unfold before you, your husband growing bashfully shy.

"Can't hurt punk" Steve shrugged and Bucky's eyes nearly popped out of his head until he realized his best friend had been nursing a rather large glass of Asgardian mead. Tipsy Steve was always a little bit of a pervert...

"I-

"For the stain"

"I think you just want me to take my shirt off" Bucky huffed while you grinned, giving his cheek a peck before taking your little princess in your arms.

"Can't blame them handsome, c'mon, show em' how lucky I am" you whisper and that sells it. Couldn't hurt and since they were all asking...

"Just take it off!" Nat howled with a wink, a bunch of whistles when Bucky sighed, indulging the team a little. He unbuttons his shirt and hands it off to a genuinely concerned Sam who would normally make sure the shirt got sent to the cleaners but this is too good so he throws it into a bucket of cold water and is back within seconds.

"Good God"

"Jesus"

"You look fuckin' good terminator"

"Alright, alright" Bucky holds his hands up, unable to stop the way his ears are bright red, shaking his head when you blow him a kiss making him blush more.

"Body shots!"

"What?"

"Yes"

Tony's eyes glimmer with excitement, and Bucky snorts, loving the way you egg him on, his daughter also squealing with excitement.

"Go on Sarge, y'know you look good"

He lies down on the bar table, surrounded by just the team, abs beautifully flexed as Nat pours a generous amount of some type of alcohol right on his belly button.

"When else will we get this lucky" She says with a playful smirk while Steve cracks his knuckles.

"Why are you cracking your knuckles, what the hell do you plan on-

"ME FIRST" He doesn't give anyone a chance, face planting himself into Bucky's tummy, his lips sealed, drinking every bit of the burning liquor with a satisfied hum.

"How much has he had to drink"

"Who cares, me next"

"I think you've licked enough of my husband"

"You get him all the time, don't be greedy"

"That cute little chubby ball of frosting and giggles is enough evidence you get him every which way, besides isn't there another one cooking, y'can't have any now git"

"Blink twice if you need help"

"Bro looks like an angel"

"Why aren't you blinking"

"Crafted by the heavens"

"You like this, don't you"

Bucky can't help but chuckle, surrounded by idiots. Drunk idiots. His wife. His baby girl. Another little one on the way. All who love him. Would protect him. Life was good.

[radiance1]

The League tried to interrupt a summoning of a powerful being from the Infinite Realms. From the information they collected, the being isn't of the status of a royalty, but they still had to be careful as the being the summoners tried to call forth was still of noble status.

They failed.

The head cultist finished the ritual, the last words to finish the summoning left their tongue and the room was suddenly doused in heat, as black flame came to life from within the circle, twisting and turning, back and forth until a pair of red eyes suddenly flashed from inside the twisting pillar of flame and just as suddenly as the eyes appeared, was the pillar broken apart.

What was left behind was the figure of a giant phoenix, wings spread as embers black as night gently fell down to the floor below and suddenly disappearing, as if they were never there in the first place.

"Who dares to disturb-" The being started, eyes scanning the crowd below before stilling, extremely and worryingly quiet. One of them quietly cursed. "Constantine..." The creature's voice was low, dangerously low, no doubt anger in its voice as it called out the Warlock's name.

Everyone tensed, expecting something dangerous, except for the cultists, and the Head, who turned his head towards them and smiled, obviously expecting them to be reduced to not even ash.

"100 years. One. Hundred. Years." The being spoke, and confusion wormed its way into the hearts of all those present. "100 years I have waited for you, and when we finally meet once again it's not even you summoned me but these-" The creature waved a wing at the cultist below. "-These fatuous and vacuous little things."

"And what is this? You surrounded yourself with those not even of human birth before you have even thought about me?" The noble's eyes narrowed. "Did our relationship mean nothing to you?

Someone, probably not Constantine, choked.

"Well then, after all of this time you can at least make yourself useful." In a flash of black fire, Constantine was brought from within the ranks of heroes and in front of the beast, a man who seemed to be trying to-and unsuccessfully- lighting a smoke. "Ah, why do that when you have me?" The being purred, bending down to apparently light a smoke before freezing, as if remembering what exactly it was doing, but the action was already done, and Constantine was killing his lungs away.

The phoenix snapped back up to standing above everyone else, clearing its throat as if what happened decidedly didn't happen.

"What exactly did you want me to be useful for, love?" Constantine asked, expelling the smoke from his lungs and deciding that this might as well be happening. The noble huffed, folding its wings at its sides as it stared down at its apparent lover. "Take care of our son for once in your sad, pathetic life."

This time, not only did Constantine choke, but a good chunk of people there did as well. Constantine ran a hand through his hair, looking up at the phoenix incredulously. "Aren't we both men?"

The phoenix looked at his lover as if he were stupid. "Your point?"

"I-" Constantine sighed, took a breath, held, then expelled more smoke from his lungs. Apparently, he decided not to question anything anymore. "You know what? Sure, where is the little bugger?"

Over the next few moments, both the Justice League and Cultists were treated to the noble transforming into a human (still having wings) and handing over their apparent child-who looked nothing like them by being a dragon, but who were they to question the apparent reproduction of a being from the Infinite Realms- and being lectured about what not to do and what to do and how he should be cared for.

Also, a warning for his many powers.

Then the Duke stole a kiss (One that he claimed was long overdue) and left.

The room was silent, only the sounds of breathing occupying the room as the temperature was brought back down to normal levels.

A moment later, Batman walked up to the nearby cultist and punched him across the face and knocking him out cold, suddenly reminding everyone what exactly they were here for.

A while later, in the meeting room, everyone looked at Constantine. Who had a baby eastern dragon wrapped around one arm (who was apparently his child) and rubbing his temple with the other.

"I can't explain this."

===

Danny was actually not Constantine kid, neither was he Vlad's. Biologically, at the very least, however. Vlad did adopt both him and Jasmine a while back after their whole parent fiasco.

They're dead, sadly unable to become ghosts, or perhaps not so sadly.

Of course, they unfortunately outlived Jasmine, which was to be expected, but Vlad and Danny did grow close enough that they no longer viewed each other as enemies.

However, who could have expected that Danny, finally ascending to his princely status, would turn him back into a literal child because he was, for all intents and purposes, one by Dragon standards.

Utter malarkey, he would say.

Taking care of that boy was the worst few memories he has ever had. He was constantly being kept from his sleep, his work being interrupted constantly, and the child managed to find a way to leave his sight at each and every turn.

But there were some sweet moments, he would say.

It's only reasonable, however, that his lover (who he hasn't seen for an entire century might he add) share the workload.

[ennn]

So I watched a couple of the latest Marvel's What If episodes and...

Byrdie the Duck is the most ridiculous character ever. She's the offspring of Howard the Duck and Darcy Lewis. As an egg she killed a bunch of villains including Thanos. She flies with wings and shoots lasers from her forehead. She's the ship's mechanic and engineer. And if that doesn't seem gay enough she's voiced by Natasha Lyonne.

[magicpiano]

I have seen a few DCxMarvel dimension travel fics, and quite a few of them are of them are Peter Parker post-blip. Which gives me a crack fic idea: everyone who got snapped ended up in the DC universe. Yes, all of them.

The current world population is around eight billion, so half of that would be 4 billion... Yeah that would cause so so so many problems. But the DC universe is used to crazy shit.

Obviously there would be a sudden influx of "new" heroes and villains but with absolutely no context it is hard to figure out who is who.

Batman immediately trying to make contingency plans for all these new heroes and villains as well as figure out their civilian identities but this is very difficult because literally no records exist yet.

Magic users from both worlds team up, but I think they were still unable to fix it, the infinity stones were just too powerful. Also I think Dr. Strange and Constantine can't stand each other.

While I am at it, Wonder Woman and Loki would probably hate each other too. DC is more Greek but it has had their own version of Norse mythology, so maybe they are the same and have beef?

They would struggle to feed and house that many new people, but getting them jobs and integrating them into society would be hard too. And good luck proving anything anyone says. "You swear you have a law degree from Harvard? Okay I guess."

Do doubles exist? Yeah a lot of people probably don't have an alternate universe double, but it stands to reason some do. How do you deal with having a new kind-of twin? Or a dead friend or relative coming back, but different? Or even someone you never knew/doesn't exist in this world insisting they are family.

Some au double ideas I have seen people toss around are: Dick Grayson as Richard Parker, Kara Danvers as Carol Danvers, Steve Trevor as Steve Rogers, and Slade Wilson as/being somehow related to Wade Wilson, but I am sure there are other fun ideas out there too.

The snap didn't just affect humans/earth! So other planets are having the same problems.

Then randomly, five years later, just when people were getting used to the change, they all disappear again without warning. This causes as many problems as the original appearance did.

[moritashie]

A crack fic idea where it turns out that Tony has at some point legally adopted or had been legally named DUM-E's parent. Because he's Tony freaking Stark, and if someone can marry a tree then he sure as hell can adopt his first robot.

[tomriddleslovergirl]

Marvel characters x oblivious!reader

Steve Rogers:

Steve and you had been getting to know each other for the past few months and were becoming good friends. Although, Steve had begun to get feelings for you that were not so friendly. He wanted more out of your guys' relationship.

He'd never been good with flirting, but decided to at least try in doing so incase he scared you off or made you uncomfortable by being too upfront.

So, while on a walk with you one winter day, Steve decided to make his move.

"Y'know, Buck once told me pretty girls always have cold hands." The cold didn't bother Steve because he was a Super-Soldier, but he assumed that it would cause some discomfort for a normal human.

You look down at your hands.

"Huh. Mine are always warm." But either way, you shoved your hands in your jacket pocket, not noticing that Steve had put out his hand for you to hold.

Peter Parker

Peter and you had been going out for a little while now, and every time he'd try to flirt with you, you'd be oblivious. So after building up some confidence (with the help of Ned), he asked you. "Can I have a kiss?"

You look at Peter in shock, wondering how he knew you had a bag of kiss in your bag. You rummage through it and hand him one.

"Here," You say, handing the small chocolate to him.

Ned held in a laugh.

"Th-thanks?" Peter said, his voice cracking with confusion and embarrassment at being rejected - even if it was done obliviously by you.

Wanda Maximoff

Wanda had tried flirting with you before and you would never quite get the hint. She had assumed there was something wrong with the way she tried to make romantic advances with you and went to the Natasha to get some pointers.

Later on, Wanda decided to use some of Nat's tips.

Wanda asked you if you wanted to bake cookies with her and invited you into the Avengers Tower kitchen.

While you both were baking and talking, Wanda would try to make her laughs sound breathy when you made a joke or would compliment you from time to time.

When she noticed you were having trouble icing one of the cookies, she stood behind you, and gently wrapped one of her hands around your hand that was holding the piping bag while you held onto the cookie.

"Here," she whispered, her hot breath hitting your ear as she helped you ice your cookie.

After Wanda was done, she placed the icing bag on the counter and looked at you, trying to see if her flirting had done the trick. But you don't notice anything out of the ordinary.

"Thanks, Wanda," you say, thinking she was just trying to be helpful.

You went to grab another cookie to ice, when she suddenly grabbed your chin. "You have something on your face," she says.

You look up at her in surprise as she swipes her thumb against your cheek. She brings her thumb to her mouth before licking the icing off.

You look up at Wanda, your brows furrowed. "That's disgusting, Wanda."

[wangxianficrecs]

had a marvelous time ruining everything by livinginaworldofnoise

had a marvelous time ruining everything

by livinginaworldofnoise (@gh0st-0f-luke)

G, WIP, 4k, Wangxian

Summary: “Great news, though—well, actually, it may depend how you define ‘great.’” Wei Wuxian folds himself into a cross-legged position and makes a sweeping gesture with one arm toward the closet, from which Lan Wangji can now hear a strange rattling noise. “While you were gone I managed to catch another one!” “Another . . . cat?” Lan Wangji pulls the closet door open wider and stares at the cage he finds there, inside of which a small black cat is clinging to the ceiling bars with all the desperation of a cornered wild animal. “That’s Volcano!” Wei Wuxian says by way of explanation. “She’s a little spicy.” OR: 5 times wangxian's feral kittens get in the way of lan wangji proposing + 1 time they help Kay's comments: I for one think that Tectonic Plate is a wonderful name for a cat. This story is a lot of fun and very cute and Wangxian are such cat people. Love seeing them having to interact with a fluffle of half-feral kittens and I really enjoy Lan Wangji's POV in this. He's so funny! If only he was allowed to propose to his boyfriend! Excerpt: Lan Wangji shakes his head. An urgent care trip to treat Jiang Cheng’s idiocy doesn’t exactly set the right tone for a romantic evening, so Lan Wangji has already written off the idea of proposing tonight. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll order takeout when you return.” Wei Wuxian grins and plants a very welcome kiss on Lan Wangji’s mouth that doesn’t go unnoticed by Jiang Cheng, who pretends to gag. Lan Wangji ignores him and pulls Wei Wuxian in for a second kiss, mostly out of love but perhaps partly out of spite. Lan Wangji lets out a small sigh after the brothers depart, feeling like the perfect proposal is once again slipping out of his reach. Is he just going to keep postponing this dinner date for eternity? He can’t bring himself to blame Volcano, though. Biting Jiang Cheng is a very reasonable thing to do in her position. Lan Wangji can’t say that he wouldn’t be tempted if he were a cat. And if he gives Volcano a couple extra treats when he goes in to feed them some wet food, that’s no one’s business but his own.

pov lan wangji, modern setting, modern no powers, established relationship, 5+1 things, fluff and crack, humor, marriage proposal, cats, pets

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[sam24]

Metal Arm Cupid

Summary: Bucky didn't know what to expect in the 21st century. But he definitely didn't expect cute girls to barge into meeting rooms and beat people up.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

*****

Bucky made no attempt to stifle his yawn as he pretended to listen to the debrief (that was looking more like an argument to him) that was going on way too long for his liking, earning a sharp glare from Steve, but Bucky could tell that deep down, Steve wanted to hightail outta there too.

“Stop taking all the credit, Josh. I was the one who stabbed him. You just sat there and watched like an obese cow.”

Josh (Bucky thought his name was Jack until now) scoffed. “That’s Agent 16 to you, Avery.”

“It’s actually Avril, you little-”

“Agents, you better stop this instantly.” Fury narrowed his eyes at the bickering partners.

“Stop embarrassing me in front of the Avengers, Evelyn, and let me do the talking. Clearly you can’t because of those oversized donkey teeth of yours.” Josh paid no heed to Fury.

The girl (Avril?) gasped and her hand instinctively flew to cover her mouth. “Why you-”

“Okay, that’s enough.” A dangerously calm voice rang through the room.

All eyes flew towards Natasha, you looked like she was going to murder the next person who opened their mouth.

“This is why I don’t go on missions with sensitive baby agents.” She muttered in Russian.

Bucky cracked a smile.

“How come no one listens to me?” Fury grumbled.

“Probably because you aren’t a trained assassin with 20 different weapons hidden on your body, and I bet you also don’t know 5 different ways to kill someone with an oven mitt.” Clint whispered in Fury’s ear.

“It doesn’t matter who stabbed who, it matters what happened in the end. And in the end, I was the one you saved your ungrateful asses, so you can stop arguing like toddlers now.” Natasha growled.

Her eyes narrowed specifically at Josh.

Nobody spoke. Probably because no sane person wanted a bullet from Natasha’s gun in their head.

“You seriously couldn’t have done that 20 minutes ago?”

Of course, though, Tony Stark was far from sane.

“Shut up, Tony.” At least 5 different people said at the same time.

Josh cleared his throat, recovering from his mini paralysis stroke.

“No offense, but-”

Before Josh could get himself killed, loud voices outside of the door made everyone turn.

Honestly, they all probably would’ve turned even to watch a fly so they could ignore Josh’s excuses.

“Miss, I can’t let you-”

“I really don’t care, so move. Now.”

Bruce immediately sat up. “Is that Ace?”

“Oh, thank god.” Tony let out a dramatic sigh of relief. “I’m so bored right now, maybe she’ll make this actually interesting.”

Even though Bucky’s stay at the compound started recently, he had heard plenty of stories about you, the infamous ‘Ace’. To what he’d heard, you worked at the lab with Bruce and Tony, like a daughter to them both. You were an ‘intellectual sage’ (described by Barton), hence the nickname, Ace.

“I said, MOVE!”

“Banner, what is the meaning of this?” Fury ordered.

Bruce furrowed his eyebrows and completely ignored him. “What in the world is she doing?”

“Banner!”

“I SAID MOVE, DAMNIT.” A loud thud followed closely and the door was flung open so hard it practically ripped off of its hinges.

“Lord have mercy.” Bruce buried his face into his hands as you barged into the room, pulling along a terrified looking girl behind you.

Bucky’s eyebrows raised with interest as he took in your purple highlights, Converse High-Tops, and Gravity Falls shirt peeking out from under your lab coat.

“Look, missy, in case you haven’t noticed, this is a private meeting. I’m going to give you 5 seconds to leave before I have you escorted out instantly.” Fury demanded.

“Yeah, that’s cool, Patchy the Pirate, just give me a minute.” You weren’t even looking at Fury as you scanned the room.

“Ha! Patchy the Pirate! Laura’s gonna love this!” Clint smacked his hand on the table and leaned his chair back (and almost fell backwards if Steve didn’t catch it, but that’s not the point).

Fury looked like he was seriously contemplating life as you still didn’t spare him a glance, and your narrowed hawk eyes landed on someone behind Bucky.

He followed your gaze to meet Josh, who had raised two fingers in the air cockily to greet you and the girl behind you.

“Josh, you mother fucker.”

And before Steve could say ‘language!’ (yes, Bucky had caught on pretty quickly after Tony would say it every other sentence), you had crossed the room in what felt like just two strides and socked Josh right in the jaw.

The room erupted in chaos.

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Steve was up on his feet in a millisecond, his Captain America side taking over.

“That’s it, honey! Do it again!” Tony cheered.

“Is this some kind of Midgardian greeting that I have not yet been informed of?”

“Someone tell me what the hell is going on in my own meeting!”

“That was the best thing I’ve seen in my whole life.” Avril grinned.

Natasha didn’t say anything, but her face clearly said ‘girl, me too’.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.” Sam chuckled from next to Bucky.

“Same.” Bucky muttered under his breath.

“Whoa hold up, did you just agree with me??”

“Shut up, pigeon brain.”

“Excu-”

The only thing that stopped Sam and Bucky’s cat fight was another punch to Josh’s precious face, this time right in the nose.

Bruce tried to reason with you from across the whole ass room, practically shouting over all the commotion as Steve tried to pull you away from Josh.

“Ace, sweetheart, why don’t you talk it out instead of going straight to violence? Doesn’t that sound like a better idea?”

“Sounds great, Bruce, but that’s not an option anymore!” You shouted back over your shoulder.

“Look, champ, it’s not right to randomly punch people like that!” Steve was still trying to pry you away from Josh.

“Look, Pops,” You mocked. “It’s also not right to cheat on your girlfriend with some random chick you ran into at a bar!”

Everything stopped.

Except Josh’s struggling from your grasp.

“He cheated on you?” Tony broke the silence, looking like he was going to blast Josh into outer space. “Wait, when were you guys even together? And why in the goddamn world would you date that guy?”

“Not me, dimwit, her.” You point your free hand that was not gripped on Josh’s collar at the girl behind you, looking ready to sprint out of there when all eyes landed on her.

“Just leave it, ma moitié, it’s not worth it.” She said quietly, her words coated in a thick french accent.

Bucky recognized her as the nice agent who gave him a coffee last week after Sam ‘accidentally’ knocked over Bucky’s.

“Just leave it? Absolutely not, hun!”

“Listen to her, Ace.” Bruce pleaded.

“No! This sleazy bastard cheated on my best friend! No fucking way! Literally, who the hell would cheat on a cute french girl?”

“Ace, violence isn’t the right way to-”

“Excuse me?” Josh’s voice rang out, sounding like someone was holding his nose closed shut. “Can someone get me an ice pack?”

You whipped around towards him.

“You. Want. An. Ice pack.” You restated, shooting daggers- no, 7 inch sharp kitchen knives at him.

“My nose hurts.” Josh rolled his eyes. “Y’know, after you turned all Crazy Psycho Lady on me and broke it.”

“You know what?” Your smile dripped with bitterness and sarcasm. “How about I punch it again so it’ll go numb and it won’t hurt anymore?”

You reached your arm backwards to land another punch, but Steve rushed to grab you again, and the chaos resumed.

Tony was instructing you to “kick Steve in the balls and resume beating the shit out of Josh”, while Bruce was very strongly vetoing the idea.

Sam and Clint, meanwhile, were placing bets on how much the medical bill was gonna be.

Suddenly, Bruce rushed over to Bucky.

“Look, man, you gotta help me.”

Bucky looked at Bruce with wide eyes. “Me?”

“Yeah! If you tell her to stop, she would in a heartbeat!”

“Why?” Bucky knew where this was going.

“Because of your metal arm!”

Bucky’s heart sank. Of course you were scared of it. Everyone was. They thought it made him a monster.

So did he.

Even though he was so, so grateful to Shuri for trying to help him feel like a new person with a new arm that wasn’t associated with HYDRA, that bloody ruthless murderer that they made him into never seemed to leave.

He would always be him.

No matter how hard he tried, the memories followed him like a lost puppy, attacking at night when he was trying to sleep.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never shake off the imprint HYDRA had left on him.

No matter how hard he tried or how much Steve told him otherwise, Bucky was still a monster.

A cruel, cold-hearted, evil monster who killed the innocent.

Who killed innocent men, women, and children who didn’t deserve to be killed.

He was the one who deserved to be killed.

“She’s absolutely obsessed with it!”

Bucky choked on his spit.

“Wha-w-what?”

“She adores it.” Bruce rushed. “She says it’s, and I quote, the most beautiful and extraordinary thing to ever be made in history.”

Okay, so apparently Bucky did not know where that was going.

“Still not convinced?” Bruce groaned. “She thinks it’s the most amazing thing in the galaxy. She says it’s the ‘peak of engineering’. You can ask Tony if you still don’t believe me.”

Tony wasn’t extremely fond of Bucky, and neither was Bucky of him, so he decided to take Bruce’s word for it, no matter how much it shocked him.

She likes my arm?

Just because she likes your arm doesn’t mean she likes you, idiot.

“Uh, okay? So, um, what do I do?”

“Tell her to stop!” Bruce lightly shoved Bucky forward when he slowly got up out of his seat.

Bucky hesitantly took a step forward, his mind still trying to process everything.

Bucky maneuvered around Steve, tapping you - who was still out to get it for Josh- on the shoulder after a moment of hesitation.

“Bruce, I already told you, it’s too late-” You spun out of Steve’s grip, but your mouth dropped open when you realized it was not Bruce.

You stared at Bucky with wide eyes. But not out of fear.

Out of adoration.

He was struck with a sudden flash of nostalgia of how his mom looked at him when he gave her a card for Mother’s Day when he was 6.

"Oh, Jamie, I love it.” She had said as she read it with a soft smile.

And that same smile was on your face. “Um, hi there.”

He smiled back.

But not one of those fake smiles he put on to make Steve happy. An actual genuine smile.

And it felt good.

You smoothed out your coat, taking in a breath. “Can I help you?”

Steve stared at the two of you, a grin spreading onto his face.

“I’m not surprised. Those psychos are perfect for each other.” Josh rolled his eyes.

Neither of you heard him.

“Hi, I’m Bucky.”

“She knows.” Tony groaned.

“Shut up, Tony.” Your eyes never left Bucky’s. “Hi Bucky.”

He saw your eyes light up as they made their way to look at his metal arm.

Bruce cleared his throat loudly.

“So, um, Ace. The arm has been giving me a bit of trouble recently. I was wondering if you could maybe take a look at it?” Bucky glanced at Bruce before looking back at you.

“He means now.” Bruce added.

You looked like you were going to faint out of excitement.

“Y-yeah, of course.”

Bruce let out a loud sigh of relief.

“Um, actually.” Bucky started.

Bruce’s head shot up and started mouthing something to Bucky - probably something along the lines of ‘No! Get her out of here before she kills him!’- but he was busy looking at you.

“Maybe you wanna grab a coffee first?”

[squilfmybeloved]

it takes a full minute for it to register.

laughing. "yeah, bye, dad."

the decathlon team stare at him, baffled. silence. then-

"oh my god."

peter chucks his phone across the room, collapses on the carpet beside them, buries his head in his heads, and lets out the most pathetic whine they've ever heard. all in that order.

"dude did you just-" "ned, no," he wails.

after getting over her initial shock, mj sighs and holds out her hand towards the group. "pay up, fuckers. told you it'd happen before our next trip." they all groan and hand her $20 bills, even flash paying up.

peter slowly looks up at them, face red and horrified and betrayed all at once- "you guys bet on me?!"

flash looks at him, confused, "well, yeah? what'd you expect out of us?"

abe laughs at his misery. cindy and betty look at eachother, then peter, with their eyebrows raised. "we knew you were bound to call mr. stark 'dad' at some point, peter," betty says, "he basically is."

"i- no- he's not," peter fumbles, somehow looking even more horrified and red. abe hits the bell, snickering. "peter is wrong," he delightfully declares. ned just sighs. "peter, you literally invite us for study dates at avengers tower, where we currently are. he is your dad."

"i thought you guys were supposed to be my teenage mutant support group," peter pouts. the horror on his face has abated, but the red persists.

"well, i'm glad he's not my father figure," cindy shrugs.

"why?" peter asks, suspicion playing on his features.

"cause he's too hot," she says sagely.

the horror returns full force, and peter just wails again, throwing his head back in his hands.

[spencer-sweets]

hear me out here - i genuinely want to see a fic with spider-man, deadpool, and wolverine.

slash or not i think it would be a very interesting dynamic to explore.

like a fic where the three have a common enemy or goal and have to work together. logan and peter find wade annoying in a way that eventually grows on them, peter has moral issues with wade and logan's killing, and logan finds peter immature (he thinks his lack of killing is a sign peter hasn't experienced any hardships) and untrustworthy. and well im sure we've explored wade's views on both of them.

[missmarveledsblog]

SOMEONE OLDER ( TONY STARK X READER)

summary : when boys your age just don't do it for you but someone older does  .

warnings : age gap ( legal one before anyone is calling svu )  mutual pining , no pepper in this universe  

" nat I'm done dating the dude brought me to a strip club and gave me ones to tip the dancers " Y/n huffed walking into the main living room. " Jesus and I thought my dating life was bad " bucky snorted dodging the incoming pillow . " guys my age suck " she pouted sitting down beside the widow  placing her head on nats shoulder. " date me and we can live our best lives " nat smirked poking her side. " I would but bruce won't share " she rolled her eyes . " I'll deal with him " she chuckled .  " well you could always date me doll " bucky wiggled his brows . " i'm already in therapy  no thank you " she stuck her tongue out at the man . " well  i would of gave you fives for the club " he shrugged . " oh take me now " she fake swooned into the couch. " i mean i could rock your world doll " he stood walked towards her thinking he had the edge . " and i'd break you " she looked up making bucky freeze in his spot . "  i think you just did that " sam fell over laughing . " that's my girl " nat hugged her. " damn it she goes all doe eyes and says shit like that " he grumbled in his defeat. "  it's ok we can hit the club i might have a connection with one of the dancers at this rate " she sighed. " what about the crush "  sam looked around . " just a crush i mean not going to go anywhere other than that " she pouted. " can't believe you've the hots  for stark and not me " bucky teased . " i like older men,  not one from the great depression " she rolled her eyes . "  she a match for stark with that mouth of her " bucky chuckled .  " a lot this mouth could can do boy " she hopped up while nat laughed at the mens gaping mouths .  " see you later malyshka" nat called after her. " bye nat love you " she called back .  

she roamed around compound not really knowing what to do , i mean she had the choice of working out with steve but that was hard pass , maybe working on her computer in the lab would kill time .  she could see bruce and tony already working away on whatever, it's like the two lived in the confines of  that part of the  compound. " hey kiddo how was the date " bruce called . " bust like major bust " she groaned heading to her computer. " well i mean his name was chad " tony chuckled . " he brought me to a strip club, he out chadded any future chads " she rolled her eyes. " hey tony could you come with me i need your help " bruce smiled taking the billionaire gaze off the girl . " with what ?" tony head shot towards the fellow science bro . " snack run  can't carry it so come on , you want anything kiddo? " he asked. " oh cookies and chips please " she looked up excitedly. " coming up " tony smiled brightly. " course it is " bruce muttered . " why don't you make a move man even i can see you like her " bruce whispered as they walked down the hall . " she's too young  plus i mean who say she even likes me , she always around barnes " tony shrugged .  " she doesn't like me stark  " bucky made the two men jump at his sudden appearance . " yeah ok, you guys are always flirting " he rolled his eyes . " no i'm always flirting and she shooting me down with sarcastic comment it's our thing ,  i love her like a best friend  " he chuckled grabbing himself a plum as they began snack hunting . " still she same age as parker and he's called me dad way too many times " he grimaced. " maybe she can call you daddy " nat walked by   with a wink before  kissing bruce on the cheek.  " we don't even know if she likes me i've flirted with her and it does nothing " he said not feeling his usual cocking ego filled  self , a first for tony stark he was sure of that . " you flirt with everyone even F.R.I.D.A.Y " nat deadpanned . " hey honey feel like watching a movie" bruce kissed her cheek , hint of mischief in his words .   " i guess i'll bring the snacks to the lab " tony  picked them up . " hey here's a bottle of that tea stuff she like" nat threw it across the room . " thanks i guess " he walked out wondering would he actually make a move on not . again it was all new for tony he was used to women making the move throwing  themselves at him  yet here he was wondering how to make a move . He wondered if this was how tiny capsicle felt ? .

she sat so stuck in her work she barely noticed tony approaching  hands filled with snacks until the door opened. " where's banner " she tilt her head she was sure the two left together. " with his girlfriend , probably afraid your gonna steal her on him " he smirked handing her the cookies , chips and bottle of ice tea. " i will so he should be scared " she giggled . " so no luck on these dates ?" he knew it was ridiculous fishing around god he felt the kid . " most definitely not i think  i'm destined to be single , i mean guys my age just wanna hump and dump and that's cool but after a while you kinda want more " she sighed looking down at her cookie. " i get that , i mean sleeping around is great but when you're looking for more it's get boring " he nodded. " yeah except you sleep with actresses and models not same thing , like douchebag last night brought me to a strip club because he found out i was bisexual " she laughed dryly . " i'm still finding glitter and i've showered twice" she grimaced. " why not date someone older " he smiled softly. " i would if i could find anyone that took me serious , i mean again they treat you like kid i'm clearly smart and have a head on my shoulders , been taking care of myself since i was like 16 and yet they think i can't do shit for myself or after their money like" she groaned.  " well  it's official  the male species is doomed , i mean not to take such a beautiful smart intelligent woman like you and see how lucky they are, i really should of let loki take over " he smiled as she giggled. " thanks stank  know how to make a girl feel special" she smiled feeling slightly better well she would if the stupid brain of her would calm down as well as her heart rate.  " crazy yet brilliant thought ,  we go on a date , i mean your beautiful  and i'm  gorgeous , i take you serious most of the time and well i know your worth " he stood straight up looking as she slowly looked up at him . " you wanna date me, like as in you tony hot science iron man stark wants to date me " . " yeah i think i said as much " he chuckled. " when " she asked thinking she was asleep cause this was clearly a dream . " well how's tonight sound for you " he walked over leaning slightly over her desk before she shot up  and it came out before her brain even registered the audible glup . " she said yes " bucky called making the both of them jump . " what the fuck are you a cat " she held her chest. " nah but this was fun to watch , good on you stark " he smiled walking off. " i'm getting a bell for him " she laughed once the fright and shock wore off. "so  you'll go on date with me " he asked biting his lip . " i mean you did say i should date someone older " she kissed his cheek walking out of the lab calming once out of his sight she high balled it to nat help her get ready .  

[buckyalpine]

“Yeah, he’s just sort of laying on the curb in fetal position…” Sam glanced over his shoulder to see if Bucky was still curled up on the road, the vacant look on his face still going strong.

“Alright, I’ll be there” you hung up the phone and grabbed your keys, not bothering to change out of your raccoon pjs after the very strange phone call you’d just gotten. They weren’t far; the Halloween Haunt Sam and dragged Bucky to was at a family farm a short drive away. You’d planned on joining them later than evening but-

You parked and scanned the area, jogging over when you spotted a giant bunny with his magician on the ground.

“Baby? What’s wrong with him” your face scrunched up as you tried to suppress a laugh while your boyfriend mumbled something, staring off into the distance. His cape, hat and wand had been discarded to the side leaving him in shorts, a vest and for some reason his shoes. His pants were nowhere to be found.

“Someone got greedy and ate too many candy apples” Sam cackled, his giant floppy ears flapping with the movement. “Apparently sugar crashes are a super soldiers kryptonite”

“Oh, Bucky” you cooed, taking a seat beside him, your fingers carding through his hair. His lips were stained cherry red from the candy, pupils blown wide. “How you feeling bubba”

“I see dead people” he whispered, to which you sighed, nodding with him.

“I’ll keep you safe” you giggled at the content hum he made, scooting over to lay his head on your lap instead. “How are we getting him home- oh. That’ll work” You looked up to find Sam with a giant wheelbarrow, his white fluffy sleeves rolled up, currently stretching his arms.

“Gotta limber up, this motherfucker is heavier than he looks”

You snorted watching Sam brace himself before hauling up a half limp Bucky and dropping him into the bucket of the barrow. He squeaked at the sudden movement, gripping the sides of dear life while his legs hung off the edge.

“IM BEING TAKEN BY A STEROID RABBIT”

“That’s just Sam, baby”

“STEROID RABBIT NAMED SAM”

“No, it’s just us Bucky”

“WHO IS BUCKY”

“Fuck”

“THEYRE GONNA EAT ME”

“I bet he tastes like socks”

“Sam”

“FATHER HELP”

[ebenelephant]

fic premise: frank castle, wade wilson, and logan howlett at a support group for single parents. none of them know about each other's secret identities. frank has an extra layer of shit to deal with in terms of his feelings about parenting an (aged down) amy, but he's trying his best and knows he wasn't a great dad last time. wade has his crippling self worth issues but honestly a better support system than any of them (ntw and yukio babysit little ellie sometimes). logan's always a little sketchy about how exactly he came to have custody of an eight year old girl, and he has clear anger issues, but the fact that they've met his grown daughter (rogue) puts them all at ease a bit.

[bubuslutty]

inappropriate crushes

Marc Spector & Fem!reader (platonic)

“Okay, look at this one, tell me he isn't handsome,” Darling turned the phone to show Marc, the two squeezed on his new sofa that they both found on the side of the road, cleaned together and throw a blanket over it.

Darling was showing him saved videos of actors she thought were attractive, edits, she said they were called. Marc frowned at the screen, watching the short video play over and over again, of a man edited to a fast song, the clips used purposely to manipulate the viewer into thinking he was attractive, even if the man looked like he was 60 and was a good year away from ending up in a retirement home. Obviously a 60 year old could be handsome, but what Marc struggled to understand was what business did she have in thinking this was attractive?? She was 20 and a nice, pretty girl, you'd think she'd like someone like uh, uhhhh, what do girls even like nowadays??

“I'm actually so disgusted right now, how do you find this man attractive? Is this what girls are into now? Hm?” Marc said, voice laced with disappointment and disgust.

“Marc, stop being so mean!” She whined, throwing her head back and chewed on her mouthful of crisps, the pack sitting on her lap, about to spill any minute now.

“And stop chewing so fucking loud in my ear, what's wrong with you?” Marc huffed, rolling his shoulders and fixing the pillow behind his back, getting extra comfortable in his new sofa. He then took the packet from her lap, so she wouldn't accidentally spill it all over his floor.

“You gave me the crisps to eat! So I'm eating them!” She gasped, a hand to her chest.

“Well you don't have to chew like it's your first time having teeth,” Marc said, glaring at her.

“You're such a bully,” She huffed, scrolling on her phone with salty fingers, then shoved the phone in his face, “Just watch the damn tiktok edit!”

Marc squinted his eyes at the screen, “Show me another one, I don't like how he's looking at me,”

“What, you don't think he's sexy?” Darling said, genuinely surprised he doesn't share her horrific taste in men.

“He looks like he wants to kill someone and drink their blood, scroll, woman,” Marc rolled his eyes, then scrolled himself so the psychotic man on the phone stops looking at him, and Marc didn't really understand why it had so many likes, and why would that man even be edited to Rihanna out of all musicians??

Darling laughed loudly, making him smile a little, she said she'll look for an edit of someone who's age appropriate and giggled the whole time as she tapped and scrolled on her phone as Marc waited. He shook his head and took a crisp out of the pack he gave her, chewing it as he watched Gus swim in his tank.

"Okay, okay, what about this one? Would we make a cute couple? Be honest." She excitedly said, slowly showing him her screen and pressing on the video to start looking all nervous.

Marc watched the video in silence until it ended, then hummed, "Why is he wearing an orange jumpsuit?"

"He's a vigilante and got caught by the police! He's a hero-"

"You're not dating an inmate,"

"He doesn't even exist! He's in a movie!"

"Thank God!!"

"But mama I'm in love with a criminal-"

"Don't quote Britney Spears to me!"

[sleepycreamcola]

Peter: How can we defeat him...

Y/N: I crush his skull and throw him into space

Peter: No

Y/N: You never let me have any fun 😒

Drax: You are soft Quill! Soft like a stupid little baby! A baby that wasn’t breastfed, because it’s mother didn’t love it!

Quill: Okay-

Drax: You are a malnourished child!