#marvel crack fic

[late-to-the-party-81]

Because it's Eurovision! Okay..?

AN: I wanted to write this last year, but didn’t, and then the enablers in the BBE server forced encouraged me. So enjoy this cracky Avengers Tower fic, where nobody dies and everyone lives happily ever after.

Un-beta’d

Dividers by @firefly-graphics and moodboard by me

Masterlist

Relationship: - None - Just good old team bonding.

Word Count: 1k

CW: Eurovision spoilers, American confusion, Domestic Avengers

“Oki doki, kiddos - what’s so important we’ve brought forward movie night to…” Tony looked at his watch. “... 3 o’clock in the afternoon?”

He looked around the lounge in confusion as Nat, Wanda and Bucky rearranged all the sofas, cushions and beanbags. Flag bunting hung from the ceiling, and the small kitchenette counter was laden with various snacks.

“It’s Eurovision, Tony.” Nat’s tone of voice suggested that that explained it all.

It did not.

“Euro-what now?”

Wanda came up beside him and started to steer him towards one of the seats.

“Just sit down, Stark. It’s about to start. Now where are the others?”

She looked around, auburn hair flying, but relaxed as Clint walked in, a grin on his face, followed by Bruce, Steve, and Sam. Wanda looked around them and smiled as Vision floated through the wall and towards her.

Clint bounded forward, launching himself over the back of the sofa and bouncing down next to Tony.

“Boy, are you in for a treat! This is going to be epic.” He grinned, completely unfazed by the blank looks from the other men. 

Sam settled on one of the other couches after a stern glare from Bucky, Steve joining him.

“Umm, could you possibly explain further?”

“If you will allow me…” The dulcet tones of FRIDAY echoed through the room as Nat and Bucky continued to shift and shuffle things around their confused team mates. “The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual event held in mid May every year, where the countries across the European continent all submit a musical act singing an original song. There are two semi-finals and then the final 26 acts star in the Final.”

Steve still looked confused.

“Well, what do the winners get?”

“The winning country gets to host the competition the following year, providing a boost for tourism and culture.”

Bruce settled down on the third couch, somehow having already snagged a bowl of popcorn.

“So the songs are good then?”

Nat snorted derisively.

“Nope. They are camp and cheesy, with ludicrous outfits, smoke machines and lots of pyrotechnics. But that’s the joy of it. And lots of the countries sing in their own language, so you have no idea what the song is actually about.”

Tony’s eyes went wide, nothing any clearer than it was before.

“Then why are we watching?”

As one Nat, Bucky and Wanda turned towards him.

“Because it’s Eurovision.”

“Umm, okay then…” He sunk down into the cushions, not sure it was worth risking the ire of undoubtedly the most dangerous trio in the room. “Can I ask why Thor gets out of this…”

Just then, the building shook, the unmistakable rumbling and light display signifying the bifrost had just hit the roof.  “..Scratch that.”

Nat turned on the television and squished in next to Clint. Vision and Wanda snuggled down into the beanbags. Thor burst into the room a few minutes later, placing Mjolnir onto the countertop.

“I haven’t missed it, have I?”

He took the final space next to Bruce, who passed over the bowl of popcorn.

“It’s the flag parade, apparently.”

The blonde god leant forward, arms resting on his knees.

“Ooo. I know this one! That’s Norway. I like them.”

Bruce smiled and elbowed his friend.

“Of course you do, they still treat you like a god.”

Across the room, Steve leant over to Bucky to whisper in his ear.

“Can I ask, if this is a European competition, why are Australia taking part?”

“Because they love how camp it is, and asked if they could join in.”

“I’m going to be confused during this whole thing, aren’t I?”

“Uh-huh…” Bucky threw some M & Ms up in the air, catching them in his mouth.

Back on the central sofa, Nat started to bounce slightly.

“Here we go! Prepare to be amazed…”

For the next 2.5 hrs the team sat, glued to the television, all manner of emotions running through them as they watched the eclectic musical display.

“Am I missing something,” asked Sam. “Why are they singing about Edgar Allen Poe?”

Bucky shrugged. “Why not?”

“Okay..?”

Steve nudged Bucky.  

“Buck - what’s she singing?”

“About how her love for her man is driving her crazy, but she doesn’t know if he feels the same.”

“Okay..?”

“My love…”

“Yes, Vis?

“This is an anti-war song, isn’t it?”

“It is, Vis.”

“Okay..?”

“Earth to Sam! Earth to Sam!”

Tony threw a screwed up piece of paper across the room and watched Sam jolt and shake his head as it bounced off.

“What?”

“You seem a bit invested in the Cyprus act there….”

“Fuck off, Tony.”

“Okay..?”

“Nat?”

“Yes, Bruce?”

“I don’t want to be rude, but is there a reason she seems likes she’s dressed like a werewolf?”

“Because it’s Eurovision.”

“Umm…okay..?”

Thor was bouncing in his seat as the Finnish act started.  

“This is more like it!”

Bruce peered at the screen, as though the neon pink and green outfits were starting to give him a migraine.

“But…but what’s it about?”

“Going out drinking!”

“Okay..?”

“Errrrm, Buck…What the hell did I just watch?”

Bucky didn’t even turn his head at Steve’s question.

“Croatia.”

That didn’t really help. All Steve knew was that he’d just seen something he couldn’t unsee.

“Okay..?”

The act from the UK finished and Tony stood up, cracking his neck.

“Well, guys. Thanks for that, I think. But now that’s over…”

“Nope!” Nat reached across Clint, who’d fallen asleep between them, slowly drooling on a cushion, to grab hold of Tony’s t-shirt and pull him back down. “Now it’s the half time show while the voting is done, and then it’s the results. And this year, we can vote from outside Europe. Look, there’s an app and everything.”

Tony blinked slowly in disbelief. “When’s it due to finish?”

“About 7pm.”

“What!” At Tony’s shout Clint sat bolt upright, snorted and sucked up a string of drool. “This thing goes on for 4 hours. Like how?”

“BECAUSE IT’S EUROVISION!” Came the chanted reply, this time with Thor joining in.

“Okay..?”

Tony pulled out his phone and opened the app store with a shrug. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

“I got $50 on Finland. Who wants in?”

At 7.05pm Tony sat staring at the screen, mouth wide open as the others groaned and started to pass cash towards Bruce.

“What the fuck just happened?”

Bruce smiled and shrugged.

“It’s Eurovision, Tony.”

Tag list: @jobean12-blog @sidepartskinnyjeans @flordeamatista @krissy25 @bodeckersdiamonddoll @goldylions @luxeavenger @wheezy-stucky @doasyoudesireandlive @chemtrails-club @seitmai @peaches1958 @pono-pura-vida @writing-for-marvel

[buckyalpine]

“Yeah, he’s just sort of laying on the curb in fetal position…” Sam glanced over his shoulder to see if Bucky was still curled up on the road, the vacant look on his face still going strong.

“Alright, I’ll be there” you hung up the phone and grabbed your keys, not bothering to change out of your raccoon pjs after the very strange phone call you’d just gotten. They weren’t far; the Halloween Haunt Sam and dragged Bucky to was at a family farm a short drive away. You’d planned on joining them later than evening but-

You parked and scanned the area, jogging over when you spotted a giant bunny with his magician on the ground.

“Baby? What’s wrong with him” your face scrunched up as you tried to suppress a laugh while your boyfriend mumbled something, staring off into the distance. His cape, hat and wand had been discarded to the side leaving him in shorts, a vest and for some reason his shoes. His pants were nowhere to be found.

“Someone got greedy and ate too many candy apples” Sam cackled, his giant floppy ears flapping with the movement. “Apparently sugar crashes are a super soldiers kryptonite”

“Oh, Bucky” you cooed, taking a seat beside him, your fingers carding through his hair. His lips were stained cherry red from the candy, pupils blown wide. “How you feeling bubba”

“I see dead people” he whispered, to which you sighed, nodding with him.

“I’ll keep you safe” you giggled at the content hum he made, scooting over to lay his head on your lap instead. “How are we getting him home- oh. That’ll work” You looked up to find Sam with a giant wheelbarrow, his white fluffy sleeves rolled up, currently stretching his arms.

“Gotta limber up, this motherfucker is heavier than he looks”

You snorted watching Sam brace himself before hauling up a half limp Bucky and dropping him into the bucket of the barrow. He squeaked at the sudden movement, gripping the sides of dear life while his legs hung off the edge.

“IM BEING TAKEN BY A STEROID RABBIT”

“That’s just Sam, baby”

“STEROID RABBIT NAMED SAM”

“No, it’s just us Bucky”

“WHO IS BUCKY”

“Fuck”

“THEYRE GONNA EAT ME”

“I bet he tastes like socks”

“Sam”

“FATHER HELP”

[radiance1]

The League tried to interrupt a summoning of a powerful being from the Infinite Realms. From the information they collected, the being isn't of the status of a royalty, but they still had to be careful as the being the summoners tried to call forth was still of noble status.

They failed.

The head cultist finished the ritual, the last words to finish the summoning left their tongue and the room was suddenly doused in heat, as black flame came to life from within the circle, twisting and turning, back and forth until a pair of red eyes suddenly flashed from inside the twisting pillar of flame and just as suddenly as the eyes appeared, was the pillar broken apart.

What was left behind was the figure of a giant phoenix, wings spread as embers black as night gently fell down to the floor below and suddenly disappearing, as if they were never there in the first place.

"Who dares to disturb-" The being started, eyes scanning the crowd below before stilling, extremely and worryingly quiet. One of them quietly cursed. "Constantine..." The creature's voice was low, dangerously low, no doubt anger in its voice as it called out the Warlock's name.

Everyone tensed, expecting something dangerous, except for the cultists, and the Head, who turned his head towards them and smiled, obviously expecting them to be reduced to not even ash.

"100 years. One. Hundred. Years." The being spoke, and confusion wormed its way into the hearts of all those present. "100 years I have waited for you, and when we finally meet once again it's not even you summoned me but these-" The creature waved a wing at the cultist below. "-These fatuous and vacuous little things."

"And what is this? You surrounded yourself with those not even of human birth before you have even thought about me?" The noble's eyes narrowed. "Did our relationship mean nothing to you?

Someone, probably not Constantine, choked.

"Well then, after all of this time you can at least make yourself useful." In a flash of black fire, Constantine was brought from within the ranks of heroes and in front of the beast, a man who seemed to be trying to-and unsuccessfully- lighting a smoke. "Ah, why do that when you have me?" The being purred, bending down to apparently light a smoke before freezing, as if remembering what exactly it was doing, but the action was already done, and Constantine was killing his lungs away.

The phoenix snapped back up to standing above everyone else, clearing its throat as if what happened decidedly didn't happen.

"What exactly did you want me to be useful for, love?" Constantine asked, expelling the smoke from his lungs and deciding that this might as well be happening. The noble huffed, folding its wings at its sides as it stared down at its apparent lover. "Take care of our son for once in your sad, pathetic life."

This time, not only did Constantine choke, but a good chunk of people there did as well. Constantine ran a hand through his hair, looking up at the phoenix incredulously. "Aren't we both men?"

The phoenix looked at his lover as if he were stupid. "Your point?"

"I-" Constantine sighed, took a breath, held, then expelled more smoke from his lungs. Apparently, he decided not to question anything anymore. "You know what? Sure, where is the little bugger?"

Over the next few moments, both the Justice League and Cultists were treated to the noble transforming into a human (still having wings) and handing over their apparent child-who looked nothing like them by being a dragon, but who were they to question the apparent reproduction of a being from the Infinite Realms- and being lectured about what not to do and what to do and how he should be cared for.

Also, a warning for his many powers.

Then the Duke stole a kiss (One that he claimed was long overdue) and left.

The room was silent, only the sounds of breathing occupying the room as the temperature was brought back down to normal levels.

A moment later, Batman walked up to the nearby cultist and punched him across the face and knocking him out cold, suddenly reminding everyone what exactly they were here for.

A while later, in the meeting room, everyone looked at Constantine. Who had a baby eastern dragon wrapped around one arm (who was apparently his child) and rubbing his temple with the other.

"I can't explain this."

===

Danny was actually not Constantine kid, neither was he Vlad's. Biologically, at the very least, however. Vlad did adopt both him and Jasmine a while back after their whole parent fiasco.

They're dead, sadly unable to become ghosts, or perhaps not so sadly.

Of course, they unfortunately outlived Jasmine, which was to be expected, but Vlad and Danny did grow close enough that they no longer viewed each other as enemies.

However, who could have expected that Danny, finally ascending to his princely status, would turn him back into a literal child because he was, for all intents and purposes, one by Dragon standards.

Utter malarkey, he would say.

Taking care of that boy was the worst few memories he has ever had. He was constantly being kept from his sleep, his work being interrupted constantly, and the child managed to find a way to leave his sight at each and every turn.

But there were some sweet moments, he would say.

It's only reasonable, however, that his lover (who he hasn't seen for an entire century might he add) share the workload.

[magicpiano]

I have seen a few DCxMarvel dimension travel fics, and quite a few of them are of them are Peter Parker post-blip. Which gives me a crack fic idea: everyone who got snapped ended up in the DC universe. Yes, all of them.

The current world population is around eight billion, so half of that would be 4 billion... Yeah that would cause so so so many problems. But the DC universe is used to crazy shit.

Obviously there would be a sudden influx of "new" heroes and villains but with absolutely no context it is hard to figure out who is who.

Batman immediately trying to make contingency plans for all these new heroes and villains as well as figure out their civilian identities but this is very difficult because literally no records exist yet.

Magic users from both worlds team up, but I think they were still unable to fix it, the infinity stones were just too powerful. Also I think Dr. Strange and Constantine can't stand each other.

While I am at it, Wonder Woman and Loki would probably hate each other too. DC is more Greek but it has had their own version of Norse mythology, so maybe they are the same and have beef?

They would struggle to feed and house that many new people, but getting them jobs and integrating them into society would be hard too. And good luck proving anything anyone says. "You swear you have a law degree from Harvard? Okay I guess."

Do doubles exist? Yeah a lot of people probably don't have an alternate universe double, but it stands to reason some do. How do you deal with having a new kind-of twin? Or a dead friend or relative coming back, but different? Or even someone you never knew/doesn't exist in this world insisting they are family.

Some au double ideas I have seen people toss around are: Dick Grayson as Richard Parker, Kara Danvers as Carol Danvers, Steve Trevor as Steve Rogers, and Slade Wilson as/being somehow related to Wade Wilson, but I am sure there are other fun ideas out there too.

The snap didn't just affect humans/earth! So other planets are having the same problems.

Then randomly, five years later, just when people were getting used to the change, they all disappear again without warning. This causes as many problems as the original appearance did.

[moritashie]

A crack fic idea where it turns out that Tony has at some point legally adopted or had been legally named DUM-E's parent. Because he's Tony freaking Stark, and if someone can marry a tree then he sure as hell can adopt his first robot.

[wangxianficrecs]

had a marvelous time ruining everything by livinginaworldofnoise

had a marvelous time ruining everything

by livinginaworldofnoise (@gh0st-0f-luke)

G, WIP, 4k, Wangxian

Summary: “Great news, though—well, actually, it may depend how you define ‘great.’” Wei Wuxian folds himself into a cross-legged position and makes a sweeping gesture with one arm toward the closet, from which Lan Wangji can now hear a strange rattling noise. “While you were gone I managed to catch another one!” “Another . . . cat?” Lan Wangji pulls the closet door open wider and stares at the cage he finds there, inside of which a small black cat is clinging to the ceiling bars with all the desperation of a cornered wild animal. “That’s Volcano!” Wei Wuxian says by way of explanation. “She’s a little spicy.” OR: 5 times wangxian's feral kittens get in the way of lan wangji proposing + 1 time they help Kay's comments: I for one think that Tectonic Plate is a wonderful name for a cat. This story is a lot of fun and very cute and Wangxian are such cat people. Love seeing them having to interact with a fluffle of half-feral kittens and I really enjoy Lan Wangji's POV in this. He's so funny! If only he was allowed to propose to his boyfriend! Excerpt: Lan Wangji shakes his head. An urgent care trip to treat Jiang Cheng’s idiocy doesn’t exactly set the right tone for a romantic evening, so Lan Wangji has already written off the idea of proposing tonight. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll order takeout when you return.” Wei Wuxian grins and plants a very welcome kiss on Lan Wangji’s mouth that doesn’t go unnoticed by Jiang Cheng, who pretends to gag. Lan Wangji ignores him and pulls Wei Wuxian in for a second kiss, mostly out of love but perhaps partly out of spite. Lan Wangji lets out a small sigh after the brothers depart, feeling like the perfect proposal is once again slipping out of his reach. Is he just going to keep postponing this dinner date for eternity? He can’t bring himself to blame Volcano, though. Biting Jiang Cheng is a very reasonable thing to do in her position. Lan Wangji can’t say that he wouldn’t be tempted if he were a cat. And if he gives Volcano a couple extra treats when he goes in to feed them some wet food, that’s no one’s business but his own.

pov lan wangji, modern setting, modern no powers, established relationship, 5+1 things, fluff and crack, humor, marriage proposal, cats, pets

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[tomriddleslovergirl]

Marvel characters x oblivious!reader

Steve Rogers:

Steve and you had been getting to know each other for the past few months and were becoming good friends. Although, Steve had begun to get feelings for you that were not so friendly. He wanted more out of your guys' relationship.

He'd never been good with flirting, but decided to at least try in doing so incase he scared you off or made you uncomfortable by being too upfront.

So, while on a walk with you one winter day, Steve decided to make his move.

"Y'know, Buck once told me pretty girls always have cold hands." The cold didn't bother Steve because he was a Super-Soldier, but he assumed that it would cause some discomfort for a normal human.

You look down at your hands.

"Huh. Mine are always warm." But either way, you shoved your hands in your jacket pocket, not noticing that Steve had put out his hand for you to hold.

Peter Parker

Peter and you had been going out for a little while now, and every time he'd try to flirt with you, you'd be oblivious. So after building up some confidence (with the help of Ned), he asked you. "Can I have a kiss?"

You look at Peter in shock, wondering how he knew you had a bag of kiss in your bag. You rummage through it and hand him one.

"Here," You say, handing the small chocolate to him.

Ned held in a laugh.

"Th-thanks?" Peter said, his voice cracking with confusion and embarrassment at being rejected - even if it was done obliviously by you.

Wanda Maximoff

Wanda had tried flirting with you before and you would never quite get the hint. She had assumed there was something wrong with the way she tried to make romantic advances with you and went to the Natasha to get some pointers.

Later on, Wanda decided to use some of Nat's tips.

Wanda asked you if you wanted to bake cookies with her and invited you into the Avengers Tower kitchen.

While you both were baking and talking, Wanda would try to make her laughs sound breathy when you made a joke or would compliment you from time to time.

When she noticed you were having trouble icing one of the cookies, she stood behind you, and gently wrapped one of her hands around your hand that was holding the piping bag while you held onto the cookie.

"Here," she whispered, her hot breath hitting your ear as she helped you ice your cookie.

After Wanda was done, she placed the icing bag on the counter and looked at you, trying to see if her flirting had done the trick. But you don't notice anything out of the ordinary.

"Thanks, Wanda," you say, thinking she was just trying to be helpful.

You went to grab another cookie to ice, when she suddenly grabbed your chin. "You have something on your face," she says.

You look up at her in surprise as she swipes her thumb against your cheek. She brings her thumb to her mouth before licking the icing off.

You look up at Wanda, your brows furrowed. "That's disgusting, Wanda."

[sam24]

Metal Arm Cupid

Summary: Bucky didn't know what to expect in the 21st century. But he definitely didn't expect cute girls to barge into meeting rooms and beat people up.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

*****

Bucky made no attempt to stifle his yawn as he pretended to listen to the debrief (that was looking more like an argument to him) that was going on way too long for his liking, earning a sharp glare from Steve, but Bucky could tell that deep down, Steve wanted to hightail outta there too.

“Stop taking all the credit, Josh. I was the one who stabbed him. You just sat there and watched like an obese cow.”

Josh (Bucky thought his name was Jack until now) scoffed. “That’s Agent 16 to you, Avery.”

“It’s actually Avril, you little-”

“Agents, you better stop this instantly.” Fury narrowed his eyes at the bickering partners.

“Stop embarrassing me in front of the Avengers, Evelyn, and let me do the talking. Clearly you can’t because of those oversized donkey teeth of yours.” Josh paid no heed to Fury.

The girl (Avril?) gasped and her hand instinctively flew to cover her mouth. “Why you-”

“Okay, that’s enough.” A dangerously calm voice rang through the room.

All eyes flew towards Natasha, you looked like she was going to murder the next person who opened their mouth.

“This is why I don’t go on missions with sensitive baby agents.” She muttered in Russian.

Bucky cracked a smile.

“How come no one listens to me?” Fury grumbled.

“Probably because you aren’t a trained assassin with 20 different weapons hidden on your body, and I bet you also don’t know 5 different ways to kill someone with an oven mitt.” Clint whispered in Fury’s ear.

“It doesn’t matter who stabbed who, it matters what happened in the end. And in the end, I was the one you saved your ungrateful asses, so you can stop arguing like toddlers now.” Natasha growled.

Her eyes narrowed specifically at Josh.

Nobody spoke. Probably because no sane person wanted a bullet from Natasha’s gun in their head.

“You seriously couldn’t have done that 20 minutes ago?”

Of course, though, Tony Stark was far from sane.

“Shut up, Tony.” At least 5 different people said at the same time.

Josh cleared his throat, recovering from his mini paralysis stroke.

“No offense, but-”

Before Josh could get himself killed, loud voices outside of the door made everyone turn.

Honestly, they all probably would’ve turned even to watch a fly so they could ignore Josh’s excuses.

“Miss, I can’t let you-”

“I really don’t care, so move. Now.”

Bruce immediately sat up. “Is that Ace?”

“Oh, thank god.” Tony let out a dramatic sigh of relief. “I’m so bored right now, maybe she’ll make this actually interesting.”

Even though Bucky’s stay at the compound started recently, he had heard plenty of stories about you, the infamous ‘Ace’. To what he’d heard, you worked at the lab with Bruce and Tony, like a daughter to them both. You were an ‘intellectual sage’ (described by Barton), hence the nickname, Ace.

“I said, MOVE!”

“Banner, what is the meaning of this?” Fury ordered.

Bruce furrowed his eyebrows and completely ignored him. “What in the world is she doing?”

“Banner!”

“I SAID MOVE, DAMNIT.” A loud thud followed closely and the door was flung open so hard it practically ripped off of its hinges.

“Lord have mercy.” Bruce buried his face into his hands as you barged into the room, pulling along a terrified looking girl behind you.

Bucky’s eyebrows raised with interest as he took in your purple highlights, Converse High-Tops, and Gravity Falls shirt peeking out from under your lab coat.

“Look, missy, in case you haven’t noticed, this is a private meeting. I’m going to give you 5 seconds to leave before I have you escorted out instantly.” Fury demanded.

“Yeah, that’s cool, Patchy the Pirate, just give me a minute.” You weren’t even looking at Fury as you scanned the room.

“Ha! Patchy the Pirate! Laura’s gonna love this!” Clint smacked his hand on the table and leaned his chair back (and almost fell backwards if Steve didn’t catch it, but that’s not the point).

Fury looked like he was seriously contemplating life as you still didn’t spare him a glance, and your narrowed hawk eyes landed on someone behind Bucky.

He followed your gaze to meet Josh, who had raised two fingers in the air cockily to greet you and the girl behind you.

“Josh, you mother fucker.”

And before Steve could say ‘language!’ (yes, Bucky had caught on pretty quickly after Tony would say it every other sentence), you had crossed the room in what felt like just two strides and socked Josh right in the jaw.

The room erupted in chaos.

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Steve was up on his feet in a millisecond, his Captain America side taking over.

“That’s it, honey! Do it again!” Tony cheered.

“Is this some kind of Midgardian greeting that I have not yet been informed of?”

“Someone tell me what the hell is going on in my own meeting!”

“That was the best thing I’ve seen in my whole life.” Avril grinned.

Natasha didn’t say anything, but her face clearly said ‘girl, me too’.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.” Sam chuckled from next to Bucky.

“Same.” Bucky muttered under his breath.

“Whoa hold up, did you just agree with me??”

“Shut up, pigeon brain.”

“Excu-”

The only thing that stopped Sam and Bucky’s cat fight was another punch to Josh’s precious face, this time right in the nose.

Bruce tried to reason with you from across the whole ass room, practically shouting over all the commotion as Steve tried to pull you away from Josh.

“Ace, sweetheart, why don’t you talk it out instead of going straight to violence? Doesn’t that sound like a better idea?”

“Sounds great, Bruce, but that’s not an option anymore!” You shouted back over your shoulder.

“Look, champ, it’s not right to randomly punch people like that!” Steve was still trying to pry you away from Josh.

“Look, Pops,” You mocked. “It’s also not right to cheat on your girlfriend with some random chick you ran into at a bar!”

Everything stopped.

Except Josh’s struggling from your grasp.

“He cheated on you?” Tony broke the silence, looking like he was going to blast Josh into outer space. “Wait, when were you guys even together? And why in the goddamn world would you date that guy?”

“Not me, dimwit, her.” You point your free hand that was not gripped on Josh’s collar at the girl behind you, looking ready to sprint out of there when all eyes landed on her.

“Just leave it, ma moitié, it’s not worth it.” She said quietly, her words coated in a thick french accent.

Bucky recognized her as the nice agent who gave him a coffee last week after Sam ‘accidentally’ knocked over Bucky’s.

“Just leave it? Absolutely not, hun!”

“Listen to her, Ace.” Bruce pleaded.

“No! This sleazy bastard cheated on my best friend! No fucking way! Literally, who the hell would cheat on a cute french girl?”

“Ace, violence isn’t the right way to-”

“Excuse me?” Josh’s voice rang out, sounding like someone was holding his nose closed shut. “Can someone get me an ice pack?”

You whipped around towards him.

“You. Want. An. Ice pack.” You restated, shooting daggers- no, 7 inch sharp kitchen knives at him.

“My nose hurts.” Josh rolled his eyes. “Y’know, after you turned all Crazy Psycho Lady on me and broke it.”

“You know what?” Your smile dripped with bitterness and sarcasm. “How about I punch it again so it’ll go numb and it won’t hurt anymore?”

You reached your arm backwards to land another punch, but Steve rushed to grab you again, and the chaos resumed.

Tony was instructing you to “kick Steve in the balls and resume beating the shit out of Josh”, while Bruce was very strongly vetoing the idea.

Sam and Clint, meanwhile, were placing bets on how much the medical bill was gonna be.

Suddenly, Bruce rushed over to Bucky.

“Look, man, you gotta help me.”

Bucky looked at Bruce with wide eyes. “Me?”

“Yeah! If you tell her to stop, she would in a heartbeat!”

“Why?” Bucky knew where this was going.

“Because of your metal arm!”

Bucky’s heart sank. Of course you were scared of it. Everyone was. They thought it made him a monster.

So did he.

Even though he was so, so grateful to Shuri for trying to help him feel like a new person with a new arm that wasn’t associated with HYDRA, that bloody ruthless murderer that they made him into never seemed to leave.

He would always be him.

No matter how hard he tried, the memories followed him like a lost puppy, attacking at night when he was trying to sleep.

No matter how hard he tried, he could never shake off the imprint HYDRA had left on him.

No matter how hard he tried or how much Steve told him otherwise, Bucky was still a monster.

A cruel, cold-hearted, evil monster who killed the innocent.

Who killed innocent men, women, and children who didn’t deserve to be killed.

He was the one who deserved to be killed.

“She’s absolutely obsessed with it!”

Bucky choked on his spit.

“Wha-w-what?”

“She adores it.” Bruce rushed. “She says it’s, and I quote, the most beautiful and extraordinary thing to ever be made in history.”

Okay, so apparently Bucky did not know where that was going.

“Still not convinced?” Bruce groaned. “She thinks it’s the most amazing thing in the galaxy. She says it’s the ‘peak of engineering’. You can ask Tony if you still don’t believe me.”

Tony wasn’t extremely fond of Bucky, and neither was Bucky of him, so he decided to take Bruce’s word for it, no matter how much it shocked him.

She likes my arm?

Just because she likes your arm doesn’t mean she likes you, idiot.

“Uh, okay? So, um, what do I do?”

“Tell her to stop!” Bruce lightly shoved Bucky forward when he slowly got up out of his seat.

Bucky hesitantly took a step forward, his mind still trying to process everything.

Bucky maneuvered around Steve, tapping you - who was still out to get it for Josh- on the shoulder after a moment of hesitation.

“Bruce, I already told you, it’s too late-” You spun out of Steve’s grip, but your mouth dropped open when you realized it was not Bruce.

You stared at Bucky with wide eyes. But not out of fear.

Out of adoration.

He was struck with a sudden flash of nostalgia of how his mom looked at him when he gave her a card for Mother’s Day when he was 6.

"Oh, Jamie, I love it.” She had said as she read it with a soft smile.

And that same smile was on your face. “Um, hi there.”

He smiled back.

But not one of those fake smiles he put on to make Steve happy. An actual genuine smile.

And it felt good.

You smoothed out your coat, taking in a breath. “Can I help you?”

Steve stared at the two of you, a grin spreading onto his face.

“I’m not surprised. Those psychos are perfect for each other.” Josh rolled his eyes.

Neither of you heard him.

“Hi, I’m Bucky.”

“She knows.” Tony groaned.

“Shut up, Tony.” Your eyes never left Bucky’s. “Hi Bucky.”

He saw your eyes light up as they made their way to look at his metal arm.

Bruce cleared his throat loudly.

“So, um, Ace. The arm has been giving me a bit of trouble recently. I was wondering if you could maybe take a look at it?” Bucky glanced at Bruce before looking back at you.

“He means now.” Bruce added.

You looked like you were going to faint out of excitement.

“Y-yeah, of course.”

Bruce let out a loud sigh of relief.

“Um, actually.” Bucky started.

Bruce’s head shot up and started mouthing something to Bucky - probably something along the lines of ‘No! Get her out of here before she kills him!’- but he was busy looking at you.

“Maybe you wanna grab a coffee first?”

[squilfmybeloved]

during the battle in germany, at the airport, peter runs into captain america. oh my god, it's captain america is all that's going through his head right now.

and then peter starts thinking about the psa videos.

while they're fighting, all he can think about are those god damn psa videos. peter knows he's getting distracted- maybe that's why he suddenly finds himself holding up a landing ramp, and captain america is about to throw a crate at him, and tony is about to tackle cap, and-

and all that comes out of peter's stupid mouth is, "so. you've got detention."

everything just. stops. steve freezes and unceremoniously drops the crate, the thud the only source of noise. his face looks like a cherry tomato. tony says, "what the fuck, roos? where did that, out of all things, come from?"

peter, traitor that he is, points at steve and hoarsely whispers, "his school psas."

nat's wheezing laughs are all that is heard over the comms.

next thing peter knows, the shield is coming at him, he's pathetically flying through the air, hitting the ground, and out like a light.

when the rogues come back to the compound, peter and steve can't look at eachother for a week.

[spencer-sweets]

hear me out here - i genuinely want to see a fic with spider-man, deadpool, and wolverine.

slash or not i think it would be a very interesting dynamic to explore.

like a fic where the three have a common enemy or goal and have to work together. logan and peter find wade annoying in a way that eventually grows on them, peter has moral issues with wade and logan's killing, and logan finds peter immature (he thinks his lack of killing is a sign peter hasn't experienced any hardships) and untrustworthy. and well im sure we've explored wade's views on both of them.

[ebenelephant]

fic premise: frank castle, wade wilson, and logan howlett at a support group for single parents. none of them know about each other's secret identities. frank has an extra layer of shit to deal with in terms of his feelings about parenting an (aged down) amy, but he's trying his best and knows he wasn't a great dad last time. wade has his crippling self worth issues but honestly a better support system than any of them (ntw and yukio babysit little ellie sometimes). logan's always a little sketchy about how exactly he came to have custody of an eight year old girl, and he has clear anger issues, but the fact that they've met his grown daughter (rogue) puts them all at ease a bit.

[buckyalpine]

I love Bucky loving his body. I love Bucky loved by the team. I love Bucky having his happy ending with a family. Imagine Bucky lounging around the sofa with his little baby girl tucked in his arm, her sweet face covered in frosting after smothering half of her cupcake onto her cheeks. The icing is bright red just like Tony's suit and it's his birthday party afterall, so everything is in full swing. Most of the cupcake is squished between her fingers, very little actually making it into her mouth but Bucky doesn't mind. He chuckles, watching her with heart eyes as she happily smears it onto his crisp white shirt, babbling and cooing, now sucking her thumb.

He is absolutely unbothered by this, all he sees is his happy little baby with her cheeky smile licking up all the frosting just like her mama. While Bucky couldn't care less about his shirt, a few others certainly did.

"Better get dunk that shirt into a bucket of tide pens Barnes" Clint snorted.

"Actually the quicker you get it off, the less likely it is to stain. Take it off now" Tony's voice went from fatherly advice to a seductive growl making Bucky's face twist in amusement, pink starting to color his cheeks.

"Yeah, give the little munchkin to y/n and take it off. Cause of the stain" Nat agreed, cocking an eyebrow. You giggled watching the scene unfold before you, your husband growing bashfully shy.

"Can't hurt punk" Steve shrugged and Bucky's eyes nearly popped out of his head until he realized his best friend had been nursing a rather large glass of Asgardian mead. Tipsy Steve was always a little bit of a pervert...

"I-

"For the stain"

"I think you just want me to take my shirt off" Bucky huffed while you grinned, giving his cheek a peck before taking your little princess in your arms.

"Can't blame them handsome, c'mon, show em' how lucky I am" you whisper and that sells it. Couldn't hurt and since they were all asking...

"Just take it off!" Nat howled with a wink, a bunch of whistles when Bucky sighed, indulging the team a little. He unbuttons his shirt and hands it off to a genuinely concerned Sam who would normally make sure the shirt got sent to the cleaners but this is too good so he throws it into a bucket of cold water and is back within seconds.

"Good God"

"Jesus"

"You look fuckin' good terminator"

"Alright, alright" Bucky holds his hands up, unable to stop the way his ears are bright red, shaking his head when you blow him a kiss making him blush more.

"Body shots!"

"What?"

"Yes"

Tony's eyes glimmer with excitement, and Bucky snorts, loving the way you egg him on, his daughter also squealing with excitement.

"Go on Sarge, y'know you look good"

He lies down on the bar table, surrounded by just the team, abs beautifully flexed as Nat pours a generous amount of some type of alcohol right on his belly button.

"When else will we get this lucky" She says with a playful smirk while Steve cracks his knuckles.

"Why are you cracking your knuckles, what the hell do you plan on-

"ME FIRST" He doesn't give anyone a chance, face planting himself into Bucky's tummy, his lips sealed, drinking every bit of the burning liquor with a satisfied hum.

"How much has he had to drink"

"Who cares, me next"

"I think you've licked enough of my husband"

"You get him all the time, don't be greedy"

"That cute little chubby ball of frosting and giggles is enough evidence you get him every which way, besides isn't there another one cooking, y'can't have any now git"

"Blink twice if you need help"

"Bro looks like an angel"

"Why aren't you blinking"

"Crafted by the heavens"

"You like this, don't you"

Bucky can't help but chuckle, surrounded by idiots. Drunk idiots. His wife. His baby girl. Another little one on the way. All who love him. Would protect him. Life was good.

[sleepycreamcola]

Peter: How can we defeat him...

Y/N: I crush his skull and throw him into space

Peter: No

Y/N: You never let me have any fun 😒

Drax: You are soft Quill! Soft like a stupid little baby! A baby that wasn’t breastfed, because it’s mother didn’t love it!

Quill: Okay-

Drax: You are a malnourished child!

[brnesblogposts]

Caught in the act || Bucky Barnes

drabble. no warnings!

Bucky Barnes x Gn!Reader

reblogs appreciated!

—

“Oh doll, I love you so much.”

“Bucky I love you too.”

“Kiss me you fool!”

“What the fuck is going on” Bucky asks as he walks in to see you holding two action figures one of him and one of himself.

You drop them as soon as you hear him and turn around quickly, cheeks flushed red.

“Nothing.” You’re hoping he’ll leave it alone.

“Nothing, huh? So you weren’t just about to make our dolls kiss?” He teased, a smirk on his lips.

“Uhh no” You shake your head vigorously.

“It sure looked like it to me ‘doll’” he took a step closer and emphasised the word doll and you couldn’t help but blush.

“Bucky-” You start speaking to explain but he cuts you off.

“Do you do this on the regular? play pretend with the action figures of us?” There’s a gleam of muscle in his eyes.

“No” Wishing the floor would open up and swallow you hole as he bored his eyes into yours.

He continued to approach in slow steps, inching towards you and you wanted to run but he’s a super soldier you couldn’t out run him if you tried.

“Hey” He was right up to you now, toe to toe. You ignored his efforts. “I said hey” He said and this time used his finger to lift your chin up to make eye contact with him, if it weren’t for his hands around your waist you probably would’ve collapsed.

“Why the dolls? You’ve got the real thing right here baby” At his smooth delivery of these words you swooned and heated up, he smirked at your reaction and ever so slowly lent down until he was mere millimetres away from your lips- “Unless you’d rather play pretend?” He asked as his gaze flickered to your lips, you shook your head and he let out a soft laugh and closed the distance kissing you deeply.

a/n a drabble of an idea i had when i couldn’t sleep the other night idk ! Also, I suck at using punctuation!

taglist- @ktgsoul @orihimi-19 @armystay89 @mostlymarvelgirl

[maddybthorne]

Yes, there are fanfics that are works of art. Literal masterpieces that authors have meticulously planned out (or not) either way they are beautiful. And I love them, i do, they have my heart.

But crack fics have my soul. I’m a sucker for the fics that make me wheeze silently in the middle of the night and tear up because whatthefuckisthis and it’s amazing.

(Anyways here’s an incomplete list of fics that I laughed way too hard at)

BBC Merlin:

Co-Dependant by vintagemocha on Ao3

By Any Means Necessary by Merlinfirstlastalways on Ao3

THE RULES by slayer of destiny on FFN.net

Marvel:

A Doomed Rule by Marvel_Fangirl on Ao3

Instant Kill Mode by Isnt_it_pretty_to_think_so on Ao3

I’m Here, I’m Queer, and Filled With Existential Fear by Faerie-Lights (WyllowWysp) on Ao3 (it’s a twitter fic I love those ngl)

Harry Potter:

Not Your Heroes by Vemodalen on Ao3

Welcome to the Cultys by duplicity on Ao3

Oh God Not Again! by Sarah1218 on Ao3 and FFN.net

Like a Red Headed Stepchild by mugglesftw on FFN.net

(Pls pls pls rec fics that made you laugh)

[missmarveledsblog]

Grumpy cat ( Logan howlett x wade wilson x reader)

summary : adjusting to a new life and trying to recover from the old one logan is withdrawn but the help of google and a special something wade is determined to make it all better .

warnings : swearing , goofy humour really , not proofread ( soz)

@silverflowers14 thank you for the request it had me fucking dying🤣🤣

Starting over was hard  even more so when its’ a completely different timezone , universe and life. Faces lost in his own could he call it world? suddenly  back alive and walking around it was almost mocking him of his own fuck ups , that pain he felt when he saw what remained and now it was like nothing because to them it never happened . then isolation , hatred and venom that followed not so much in this place, mutant and enhanced weren't as disgusting as they were in his timeline . people cheering on the name of a hero he just wasn’t , no matter what he did he was dammed a bad evil man in his mind. It wasn’t always bad  he did have friend now , if he could call them as such . that was new and he kinda liked them even wade wasn’t too bad not that he would admit such a thing out loud  ( “ i knew he liked me “) . 

Yet it was the first time he was spending that dreaded day in this new place, that sick feeling creeping up in his stomach as he watched day by day and that date getting faster and faster  .  the little interactions he was having becoming less and less , shoulders slumping second by second . a deep frown on etched on his face . grunt and huff in response to anyone dared even come close , shutting  down any form of communication before it start . he didn’t deserve their kindness or there love . 

Wade saw it , he observed and took note of the grumpy black cat he had in his home , well that wouldn’t do no sad bitch vibes here . so like the best friend and roommate ( *cough* lover *cough * he was  decided to make thing better but how? 

“ oh google you beautiful bitch and sexy problem solver “ he skipped knowing he would find the stuff to make it happen before the hot-tempered sex symbol that was his new room mate came back from a liquor induced pick me up  . a text to his neighbor y/n left unanswered so he took measure into his own hand got his hands on the good stuff and the ingredients to make betty crocker herself cream her pantaloons . it was masterpiece of sprinkles and icing   ready to be devoured cheer up the grumpiest of cats . he heard the door open and slam almost taking it off the hinges . 

“ woah peanut less of the slamming unless it’s in the bedroom “ he sang skipping to the door . 

“ wade why the fuck are you dressed like a house wife from the fifties ?” 

“ i wanted you to feel more at home and american civil war section was surprising all out ,” he winked twirling to show the skirt of his dress. “ anyways you look more pissed then blind al pmsing and out of cocaine ,we don’t do that sunshine so while you out drinking your old ass off i was here slaving away making something so tasty martha stewart would fall to her knee for ,take a seat kitten and prepare to have you sock fully fucking blown off “ . 

“ i don’t ..” 

“ nope nope none of that you will sit and taste my goodness and you will like it “ he pushed the man toward the table as logan stared down at the “ masterpiece” wondering if it wasn’t too late to head back to his own time  because shit was probably better then whatever the fuck was on the plate before him  . he would give it one thing it smelled ok something he couldn’t place on his finger on but the rest was good . a deep sigh on his face as he sat down watching wade struggling to cut through it . 

“ it’s bit hard is all but all good things are hard right” he strained cutting through finally getting through before smashing the plate underneath. 

“ here come the aeroplane “ he sang. 

“ come near me with that and i’ll cut your fucking hand off” logan growled . 

“ try a little bit “ he whine like perpetuate toddler  ( * gasp* hey you take that back ). 

“ fine lucky i can't fucking die maybe i can “ he grumble throwing a piece into his mouth as the merc with a mouth watched excitedly . 

“ is it good? What note are you getting” he asked jumping around . 

“ this taste how you look” was all logan said before storming off. 

“ might take a while to kick in “ he shrugged .

Trying to wallow when wade wilson was around was impossible task , one thing was he kept getting logan his drinks and food ,take out all smelling of something he just couldn’t place maybe it was some new craze but fuck it once it got him drunk and food in his belly ,   he didn’t care once he was drunk and fed , what he did care about was wade following him around asking him how he felt , it wasn’t totally out of the norm giving the fucker told them all how he felt no matter what he was feeling  but this was more persistent even for him .  He was almost delighted when a knock at the door hopefully someone he could push the  assholes attention to something new . prayers finally answered when he saw y/n standing  there like the savoir he need . 

“ hey logan wade here?” smiling up at the man . 

“ over there go have fun  i’m begging you “ he pushed her over as she could barely get words of protest out of her mouth . 

“ i can’t stay i promised a girls night sorry i didn’t text back touch on my phone is gone but i got the good stuff right here my friend michelle swears by it” she handed over the baggy .

 “ hope it’s better than shit i got , sprinkled it on everything even in his food and still a grumpy bitch” he exclaimed . 

“ so where is he?” she asked excitedly looking around the room . 

“ right there shit are you going blind too,  i knew it was contagious suck it al “ he yelled pointing the the scowling canadian . 

“ please tell me you haven’t been putting this in logans food “ she winced backing up to the front door. 

“ putting what in logans food “ 

“ google said it good for grumpy , depressed or anxiety riddled kitty cats ” wade shrugged. 

“ what is it ? have you been dosing me with drugs?” the man growled claws retracting .

“ see nothing … no sugar plum i would never drug you … wait is catnip a drug ?” he asked as she ran out not wanting to stay when the claws came out too many clothes she still couldn’t get the bloodstains out of  . 

“ STOP THROWING FUCKING CATNIP AT ME AND COME BACK HERE YOU BASTARD “ 

“ I DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE YOU POOKIEBEAR… AHH PINEAPPLE …. FUCK WHAT WAS THE SAFE WORD ” 

“ why is this normal to me “ y/n sighed heading down to her apartment smashing glass and wade shrieks following now muffled as she closed the door.