#marry my husband 1x04

[1liv]

MARRY MY HUSBAND: Episode Four

[stylespresleyhearted]

THE MAJOR’S WIFE

warnings: mentions of miscarriage, adultery, nsfw, marital problems, oral (m! receiving), spanking, being turned on even when your brain isn’t in it, bucky in 1x04, bucky married pre-war, slight age gap bc reader can come off slightly immature (i think?) angst, historical inaccuracies, new mediocre writer be nice

summary: John Egan gets to know his wife again

word count: 9.7k

notes: i’m not sure where this came from i wrote it all today and got no part of my research paper done. there’s really no point to it and also irl john egan was actually really close to his mother so i emphasized that here. he wrote to her so much. no disrespect to any of the real people, this is based on the show/show timeline as well.

Lila gets the call on the 2nd of October and her dreams come true.

Not entirely, no. The real dream would be having him home safe and the tragic war being over but she knows how fortunate she is to have the next best thing happen. Her husband’s been granted a few days leave and Colonel Harding believed it would do Major Egan some good to have his sweet, young wife join him during those days overseas. For the good of John’s mental health the Colonel or the President - or whoever was in charge, Lila really had no idea - had agreed to pay for her ticket and their hotel. There was only one thing they asked for in return and although it wasn’t explicitly said, Lila caught their drift: sort your husband out.

Lila knows it would do her no good to sit and wonder how horribly John must be doing in order for them to declare an all expenses paid trip for his spouse. All she does is worry for him anyhow so she forces herself to focus on the one good thing of the entire ordeal - she’s going to see her man.

There’d been letters, although not as many as she liked and she tried not to let it show how it hurt as every other wife received more than one letter at a time. Her John wasn’t the sort, she knew that when she married him. He was the kind of person who needed endless skies and land to maintain his sense of stability. Having him cooped up would do him no good and she partly wondered how much of what he was struggling with was the trauma he witnessed in the air and how much of it was feeling caged on base. At least his plane, good ol’ Mugwump (he wrote about her quite often) offered him the opportunity to head anywhere he wanted.

The only person he wrote consistently and readily to was his mother. It was rare if a week went by and she received no letter. During these instances it was more times than not an issue with the postal service.

Be that as it may, Lila knew who she married and it made her love him no less so she tried not to let it get to her. His mother was a saint. Firm and strong and loving all the same. Lila would have never survived sending John off if his mother wasn’t who and how she was. She held Lila at night when her cries woke her and she let Lila sleep in his old childhood bed. She kept food on their table and ensured everyone got their work done through the worry.

When John first left and Lila was sick to her stomach and vomiting multiple times of the day it was his mother who consoled her through the night when her sheets turned a crimson red and any ideals of having their baby through the war was lost.

Frances Egan was the glue holding them together. All of them, even her son who was an entire ocean way - so no. Lila would not be angry that she was John’s preferred pen-pal.

“You fix him right up,” Mama Egan had said in lieu of goodbye when leaving her at the airport, “you give him the loving he needs as his wife and the smacks he needs from me to get on the straight and narrow before sending him off to continue saving the world. You do it for him, not for any of them war bastards. You hear me?”

All Lila could do was nod. Dropping her bags on the floor and clutching her pseudo mother tightly. She was excited as she was frightened.

They had only gotten two months together before he had been pulled away. She didn’t want to complain, loads of women had gotten less time at all while others had only ever been left with the promise.

But her two months as Mrs. Egan? They’d been a dream. Her man was a romancer. He hadn’t hesitated in introducing her as the newly (and younger) Mrs. Egan, always resulting in an arm slap from his mother, he held open doors and he never stopped courting her; however she thinks the best times were when he was teaching her how to act married.

In their bed, at a home he had spent a year building for them. Using any extra pennies he had to pay off younger boys to help him hurry it along. Giving her the wrap-around porch she had always envisioned.

He showed her how to kiss. How to undress him. He had laid her underneath him, using his large frame to cover her completely, protecting her from the cold as he threw the sheets off them and making her feel tiny compared to him. She had never felt safer.

It had hurt the first time but he had held her through it. Never allowing any inches of space between their bodies; as if telling her they were in it together. She’d always known he was large, everything about him was large in general, but she never thought how much it would hurt to have all of him fit inside her. Lila hadn't wanted to disappoint him so she tried to muffle her tears and whimpers but he had swallowed her cries and gone slow, soft.

“If this is it, it’ll be enough,” he had promised, only about half way inside her and wiping away her tears with his thumbs. As a thank you she had taken that calloused thumb into her mouth and sucked. He allowed her; hiding his face in her neck and pressing wet kisses along there.

And for the first few times that had been it. She couldn’t take all of him and his thrusts couldn’t get too deep so he would only slip inside until her tight hole resisted and pulsed and he’d hump against that spot until reaching his pleasure.

“Do other girls take all of it?” She had asked a couple days later, trying to wrap her head around it.

She was no idiot. John Egan was no virgin.

“Yes.” Lila could always count on him to be honest. At least there was that. Meanwhile she couldn’t even fully pleasure him. She was failing as a wife. “Hey,” he lay facing her and she lay on her back. He tapped her cheek until she turned her face. “You’re my wife. That’s what makes this feel better.”

And she had beamed at his reassurance even though she didn’t feel much better. She knew John would never push her, and he couldn’t stand to see her cry, so if she ever wanted to learn to be a good wife she would have to take it upon herself.

So that’s what she did.

He was always on top and she was always on her back. That’s the first thing she had to change. From her understanding of it, from her talks with friends that always ended in giggles and blushing cheeks and from what she learned from John, it could be done in many different ways.

“I prefer to be in charge,” her school friend, Linda, had admitted to her. “Not like that -” she clarified, cheeks pink, “Just - if I’m gonna take it, I’d rather do it at my pace. Be on top. Some husbands are good like that. They’ll allow it.”

And knowing her husband wasn’t just good, he was great, she knew he would hold no qualms about it. The next time they lay in bed kissing it was easy to turn him over and straddle him. Move her wetness against his belly to let him know there was still more she just needed him to accept it.

Except he thought she was asking him to do it so he flipped her on her back again. And without breaking their kiss, she turned him over again.

It was more like they were wrestling.

Lila pulls away from his mouth, reluctantly, noticing his lips were wet and red and swollen and wondering if hers were much the same. They had been kissing for so long her mouth felt raw.

She loved it.

Straddling him, she reached behind her, feeling him standing straight and hard against her backside in between her cheeks. Sticky.

He gasped, bucking into her fist with a loud, guttural groan. It was so manly she rocked against his stomach again in need.

“Fuck, baby,” he grunted, “what’re you doing?”

“I want to try it like this,” she breathed, leaning over to whisper in his mouth, her tiny hand still wrapped around him and lining her up to her hole. “I want it all.” Lila clarified.

And John allowed it, like she knew he would. Let her take control and go at her pace. Let her swivel her hips on the way down to help with the tightness of being stretched so wide and thick.

Nothing but curses and promises of love leaving his lips. Gasping mine, mine, mine and my perfect fucking wife and I’m gonna fuck you forever.

He felt large inside of her, like if she was being split in two but it felt so good as the tip of him repeatedly hit a spongy part inside that had her coming with no contact to her clit for the first time.

She was beautiful, red splotches appearing on her body from the heat of their love-making, her hair tangled in his fists, her mouth falling open as she threw her head back - all of it was too much. He was flipping her over and pounding into her trying to chase his peak and a second one from her, their headboard banging against the wall in rhythm with his thrusts.

Things changed from then on. Sexually, that is. Becoming aware of how badly she needed to feel like she was pleasing him, John was not above using it against her. Like letting him lick at her.

“Good wives allow their husbands everything,” he would say, lips wide in a smile and eyes bright at the prospect of getting his way but Lila always knew the choice was really hers. He would respect what she wanted.

He was just too damn addicting. She couldn’t stand to tell him no.

His favorite times were when she allowed him to sit her over his face and let him feast. It drowned the outside world for him and he kept at it even after she had reached multiple orgasms and was pulling on his hair and the only thing keeping her up was his forearms locking around her thighs.

Her favorite was when he allowed her to taste him at the same time he was licking her. It was a tie between those times and when he held her down until all of him was in her mouth and she was spluttering, choking, gagging. Knowing she made a filthy vision and he adored it did something to her.

Now she was in London, closer to him than she had been in years, and all their intimacies were within reach. She could almost taste him, feel him petting back her hair and settling a hand at the low of her back. She still remembers the smell of his after shave and sweat, how he’d come into the kitchen asking for some of her homemade lemonade to help with the heat.

Jack Kidd was tasked with picking up Mrs. Egan from the airport and having her arrive at base with him. She remembers meeting him a couple of times before John shipped out early. Originally she was meant to wait for John at their hotel but there had been an issue when planning her flight and she arrived sooner than intended.

“Ma’am,” he greeted, placing a friendly kiss on her cheeks and taking her bags from her. “Bucky’s gonna be happy as hell to see your face.”

The tone in his voice - relief? alleviation? - had some of her happy wife's facade crumbling. How badly was her Johnny hurting that everyone was looking at her at his only chance to remain sane or alive?

Stop it. Maybe everyone’s just aware Johnny misses you. You’re his wife.

“Not as happy as me, I wager,” she returned with a smile. “I’m glad to see you’re doing okay, Jack. Glad to see you still kicking.”

His shrug didn’t soothe her worry but she saw him try to mask it with a smile.

“All we boys can do is pray.”

She placed a hand on his shoulder, gathering his attention. “You boys have got the prayers of our entire country protecting you.”

Jack simply nodded in response.

For the most part the ride to base was quiet. Her bags would be kept in the trunk until her and John were ready to drive out to London in a couple of hours and until then, she’d be his surprise at the officer’s club. Silver Wings, Jack called it. Where all the boys gathered and had drinks and celebrated accomplishments. And where some chose to mourn, too.

Her stomach was turning as she neared the hut, following Jack’s footsteps. There was so much that could go wrong and although this was meant to be a surprise, the U.S Army showing their gratitude towards a brave Major, she suddenly wished she would have called John and told him. She wished he knew so that she wouldn’t have to walk in feeling alone and unwanted.

Not that Lila thought John would turn her away, she simply wanted to have him hold her hand as she walked through the threshold.

“Stick close by,” Jack murmured, being respectful of where he touched her before deciding to lead her by her shoulder. “It gets crowded but I’ll take ya to him.”

As she walked through different groups, she felt the offending eyes of men and women alike. Wondering who she was. With a pang in her heart she realized she had met John’s squadrons before but all these crews were new. The boys she met, most of them at least from what she could tell, hadn’t made it. John never wrote about who passed away (except to inform her of Curt) ; most of their letters were him expressing his love and how he missed her so and asking what she got up to.

Having walked around the roundabout bar in the center of the room, her stomach in knots and fingers tangled in front of her - she caught sight of her husband smack middle in the dance floor. Pressed against a beautiful brunette.

Lila caught sight of him before even Jack did. That’s how connected she was to her husband. Jack whistled from beside her to gain Gale’s attention who was resting against the bar holding his signature ginger ale, also watching John Egan chat up the woman he was swaying with with something like disapproval in his eyes.

His large hands were occupying most of the space of her waist, keeping her body tethered to his as she laughed.

“Lila,” he gasped, eyes wide. He was smart enough to not turn and look at his buddy. To act as if nothing was amiss and she expected nothing less from Gale Cleven, “damn it all to hell. You’re a sight for sore eyes, Mrs. Egan.”

Because he was close to John, he didn’t hesitate in wrapping her up in a tight hug and pressing a kiss to her tinted cheeks. He knew John wouldn’t mind.

When he pulled back she patted his chubby cheek in return, “You still shame the rest of us with your good looks, Gale,” she laughed. “I’ll let Marge know when I see her next.”

Lila also knew she would share with Marge that while Gale was being loyal, standing off to the side her husband was exchanging oxygen with a woman on the dance floor.

His cheeks tinted at the mention of his girl. Buck and Bucky were both aware Lila and Marge wrote to one another and visited each other whenever time made it possible.

“Colonel Harding said Major Egan was in need of something from home,” she said, studying his reaction to see what she could read but Gale had always been aloof, cold. He wasn’t close to her like he was with Marge and John.

Gale thought back to a few moments earlier when John had disrespected their Colonel and all his actions before that too - disrespecting superiors, drinking more consistently, becoming angry - hopelessness in his eyes.

“He’s in need of you Lila,” Gale clarified and it wasn’t lost on either one of them that he they were referring to was currently on the floor wooing another woman.

“Holy shit! It’s Mrs. Egan!” Hambone animatedly announced and suddenly it felt like the eyes of everyone in there were on her. Her cheeks tinted pink, never having been one for the spotlight like her husband.

She was greeted with welcoming cheers and hugs.

John, for his part, disentangled from the woman he was holding at the mention of his missus. He was sober enough to appear sheepish and guilty, but in the next second it was gone as he stalked towards her. Determined. Quick. His smile growing the more he neared like he was becoming more aware she was really there and it wasn’t a fucked up scenario in his head.

“God, Lila,” she managed to hear him say before she was elevated in the air, his arms tight around her waist and lifting her high so they were at face level and he could kiss her. Channeling his love and exuberance and aggression into kissing his wife. “It’s you, it’s you, it’s really you,” he was saying in between smooches, “I missed you. So fucking much, doll.”

Basking in his love she didn’t feel the need to mention the woman that was so kindly keeping him preoccupied before she entered.

She couldn’t help the first tear from falling or the rest from following. It was like the tightness in her chest unlocked as she finally got to hold him and feel his heat surround her. He still smelled of after shave and the same hair gel that was kept in their bathroom at home but he tasted strongly of whiskey and cigarettes and strawberry lipstick.

John tucked his face into her neck, setting her down and bending to her level. Sniffling in there as he continued to hold her.

“None of that,” she did her best to stop her voice from wobbling or breaking, “we’re together. That’s all that matters.” She drew his face out from where he had hidden to pepper him with a few more kisses.

None of it was enough.

The rest of the guys were kind enough to return to the dance floor and act like they couldn’t see them.

“Who? What - why? How?” He was obviously having trouble forming coherent thoughts in between the kisses he continued stealing from her.

She was crying and laughing and trying to return all his touches. It was a terribly difficult ordeal but she had never been happier.

“Colonel Harding called and said you had a weekend leave. He said he talked to some of the higher ups but they couldn’t allow you a leave home so this was the next best thing,” she explained, cupping his cheek as she rubbed her thumb over his cheekbone. He had minor scars that weren’t there before.

She wanted to kiss every single one of them.

He was still bent towards her height, taking her in as she was taking him in.

She forgot how blue his eyes were.

He was whole. Complete. Hers.

“You’re here for the entire weekend?” He asked to confirm and she nodded, laughing when he lifted her again with a loud whoop to celebrate. That got a few of the guys to join in although they had no idea what their Major was celebrating.

“I need you,” his voice suddenly dropped, setting her down as he turned to the door. “Let’s go.” He was buckling up her coat to make sure she was protected from the freezing London air. She was lucky he was too far gone to scold her for arriving with it unbuckled in the first place - she could get sick.

“John, John - relax, my sweet man,” she laughed, cupping his cheek to get his attention. “We can stay for a while. We don’t have to go yet.”

It’s why she was at the officer’s club in the first place. She had arrived early.

John turned stiff in her hold, straightening to his full height as he suddenly loomed over her. “I’ve got you in my arms for the first time and you want to stay here?” His voice was tight. His face stern.

“Yes - no, I -” she was unsure of where she went wrong or how to fix it. She clasped his hands in hers but he didn’t allow her to thread their fingers together so it was just her holding on. “I just meant we’ve got time, John.”

The way he was looking at her made her want to cry. She felt her lower lip quivering.

She felt ashamed, whispering, trying to get him to keep his cool.

“Time? Time?” He laughed loudly. She was mildly aware of Gale breaking away from a group of guys to near them, worried but she was mostly focused on John. The tense lines on his face even as he laughed and the quirked eyebrow even though she found no amusement in their situation. “You think I’ve got time? You have no idea what it’s like up there.”

She shook her head but didn’t try to verbally explain herself. She wasn’t sure she could manage a few words before breaking into tears.

“Come on, Bucky,” that was Gale stepping in to save the day. Perhaps the only person who could get John to listen. “When have you ever left before dancing with your girl? You gotta show these rookies how it’s properly done right?”

With Gale slapping a hand to John’s shoulders, he seemed to snap out of it. Releasing a deep breath and seemingly all the tightness in body with it.

He leaned down again, pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, clasping a hand around her neck so she wouldn’t pull her head back. As their eyes locked she felt a tear fall again and this one wasn’t happy. “I’m so fucking sorry, baby. It’s this place. It’s fucking with my head.”

And she chose to believe him, nodding her head in understanding and trying not to think about how she wasn’t his preferred person to write letters to or the one who could clear his head.

Maybe the Colonel should have allowed a weekend pass for Gale and John.

Lila swallowed the thought, allowing John to pull her to the dance floor as he lost all anger and aggression and became charming and loving all over again.

“Everyone, this is my wife!” He bellowed and everyone cheered in response. “She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and -” he hiccuped and she realized he was drunker than she thought, “and I bet we can out dance any couples here tonight!”

So for the next hour she found herself being twirled around the dance floor by her husband. She almost forgot their prior negative interaction; his love and energy was so infectious. For the slow songs he would hold her close and she would rest her head against his chest, letting it lull her to a relaxing state. He was alive and she was with him. That had to be enough. For the more upbeat songs, he was challenging any couple beside them. Asking those sitting who were better dancers? Who could perform certain dance moves better?

And all throughout, he was like he used to be back home. Loud and happy and the center of attention, keeping everyone entertained. He kept announcing to his boys that his beautiful wife was there and then he’d place a wet kiss on her mouth that had their cheeks (and hers) turning red but all he would do is smile and continue on.

She was finally able to disentangle herself from him when Crosby pulled him in for a conversation. Lila wonders if her state of disheveled hair and panting breaths made him want to aid her in allowing her to sit and grab a refresher.

Once she accepts Crosby’s hug and cheek kiss, she excuses herself to go grab a drink. John only pulls her back once to steal a kiss before she gets too far.

Her lips might be bruised by the time they leave if he kept it up.

She orders a cup of ice water from the man tending the bar, looking back out at her husband as she waits. He’d always been tall and strong, but she notices the change in his posture. The bulges in his arms as he twirled her around and lifted her in the air. His eyes were only bright when he forced it. They had lost their shine and she wishes she brought the picture from back home. Where he looks young and full of life and joyful. Even when he smiles he seems hollow; hopeless.

She’s there but he doesn’t really care because in his head he’s already thinking of when she leaves again.

She wasn’t used to that. Her John only lived in the moment.

“He keepin’ you busy?”

Gale settles up behind her and pushes the glass water towards her. She didn’t even notice when it was put down.

“Dizzy, more like,” she jokes and gets him to crack a smile. She thinks to when she walked in and seen Gale, how he’d been watching the scene unfold but with a disapproving look in his eyes. How he didn’t try to hide the scene from her or excuse it. He let it be. And she knows John has never shied away from attention. He’s always been handsome and charming and girls always swarmed but Lila wasn’t aware she had to be around to keep him loyal. She thought he just was. And she knows it’s not too long before they leave now so she decides to be direct with him. “So, does that happen often?”

She sees Gale’s expression split for a second, like he debates playing dumb before deciding against it and she respects him even more for it.

“I think you should talk to John about it.” He decides on.

“Is it something that needs to be mentioned?” She doesn’t like playing this game with him but she knows at the first words of cheating and adultery Gale is going to excuse himself and her chance will be lost.

She can’t be simple and ask: Does my husband cheat on me?

“Another ginger ale, Marty,” Gale raises two fingers to grab the man’s attention and mutters a thanks as his drink is immediately refilled. He turns his attention back to Lila. “He still loves you, Lila. It’s just - hard. Being out here.”

“You seem to be coping fine.”

She feels bitter. Crazy. There’s a sob she has to choke back.

Lila’s too embarrassed to meet Gale’s gaze. Ashamed that everyone knows what’s been going on and she was the ditzy woman being twirled on the dance floor.

“I think I was used to loneliness. He isn’t.”

And he says nothing else as he leaves her behind heading back to his boys. It’s just Lila and her shattering heart and her husband calling to beckon her back to the dance floor.

Luckily they didn’t stay much longer. She walked over to Bucky but he wasn’t able to pull her back out for a dance - it’s my song, Lila! - because Jack Kidd was approaching, letting them know it was time to leave them at the train station.

Lila waited in the car while Bucky ran into his quarters to pack his bag. He didn’t have many things to take, he would be stuck wearing his uniform anyway. Gale walks him back out to the car and despite the earlier conversation Lila exits the safety of the interior to say her goodbyes.

“Take care of yourself, Major,” she squeezes him, “I need you to stick around after this weekend to look after my man.”

“It’s a hard job but I try,” he replies, both of them ignoring Bucky’s protests.

Besides that, Bucky’s quiet on the ride to the train station. He carries her bag on board but he’s quiet for the duration of the train ride. Lila doesn’t disturb him; he might be tired or hungover or both.

And if she’s honest she’s scared of him snapping at her like the night before.

Instead she takes the time to take him in. He’s handsome in his suit. Tall and big and strong, his sharp jaw and powerful mouth, his eyes blue like a sunny day and his curls coming undone from the gel after all the dancing he did.

Lila doesn’t allow her mind to wander down this path too often but suddenly she can’t help it. Would their baby have looked like him or like her? She wishes more than anything they would have had his ears. She wishes they would have had his heart and his strength - but her loyalty. Her faith in them.

It’s crazy when she stops to think she was nineteen when she married him and now she’s twenty-one. She’s loved him for more than she’s been allowed to have him. She has changed without him like he has without her and it’s frightening to think neither of them could be accepting of those changes. Whatever they may be.

Lila shuts those thoughts out, closing the distance between them to sit on his lap. Passerby’s and his horrible mood and what scares her could be damned to hell - all she wants is her man.

John doesn’t deny her; she admits she was a little scared he would.

“I love you,” she tells him, catching his eyes.

“I know.”

He doesn’t return the words as they continue staring at one another but she refuses to let it get her down. This is her husband. She has the rest of her life to get to know him; new or old habits, she doesn’t care.

So instead, Lila plasters a smile onto her face. “What’re you gonna show me first in London, Major?”

“Well I really wanna show you our hotel room,” he plays along, allowing her to trace the edges of his mustache. She lets out a knowing chortle. “And I really want to show you -” he cuts himself off to look around, making sure no one was near them as he leans in to whisper, “- my cock, Mrs. Egan.”

She turns a bright red, trying to sputter out a proper response for that but all she can do is indignantly scold him. “John Clarence! If your mom were here -” and they both break out in loud laughter at the many possibilities of what his mother would exactly do to him if she heard his wicked mouth.

“Wanna grab some grub first?” He asks instead, knowing she hadn’t eaten at the officers club and before then she had been stuck on a plane. “I know a few places.”

Lila nods happily, pressing a kiss to his mouth. His lips are warm and as plump as she remembers them. His mustache tickles her.

“Let me feed you first, woman!” He groans, trying to be a gentleman. “When’s the last time you ate?”

She puckers her lips to think about it and that’s the only answer he needs: food is definitely first.

When they arrive at the hotel John enters to check them in but he slips a few bills into the bell boy’s hand with strict instructions to leave the bags in their room before pulling her back out to the London streets.

Lila felt underdressed surrounded by women in diamonds and fancy hats, and it didn’t help that John was beside her in his uniform looking dapper and catching the eye of many. They were stopped multiple times on the way to the diner; men wanting to shake his hand and show their gratitude while the women introduced themselves, uncaring of Lila under his right arm.

As long as he wasn’t ignoring or dismissing her she realized she didn’t really care. It wasn’t much different back home; everyone knew and loved John Egan.

The diner he chose was small and cozy and his legs were too long to fit under their table so his boot and his knee kept bumping into her own and she adored it. She wanted to feel close to him and since sitting on his lap currently wasn’t an option she figured this would have to do.

He tells her many stories but none of them are sad or tragic. He only shares the happy ones. He talks about how he convinced the Colonel to allow Buck, Curt, and himself a London weekend pass one time and they had shoved Gale into a haberdashery where he tried on a multitude of top hats worth more money any of them would ever see combined. But because they were soldiers and majors at that, the owner allowed it. There’s a museum nearby he talks about wanting to take her too, it showcases art from as early as the 1400s and he says he’s gotten lost in there plenty of times and it was lovely.

All the while, she listens without hearing him. Choosing to take him in and letting her mind wander to how it would be if things were different. It pains her to think how much older he looks since she last saw him. Looking more like it was ten years instead of the measly two. John’s always been one to smile freely but the wrinkles by his mouth, eyes, and forehead aren’t from smiling or laughing too much.

Lila knows they’re from worrying and stressing and being scared and she hates that she can’t understand him or be there for him. No matter how hard he tries.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes when a sob breaks free. She curls in over the table and John’s reaching over to rub her shoulders. She grabs a hold of her hand in his. “I just missed you so much.” She presses a kiss to his knuckles. “I don’t think I know how to not miss you.”

John doesn’t say anything but he motions a server over to settle the bill and once that’s done, he’s taking her hand and pulling her out the chair.

“You got enough food in you?”

All she can do is nod.

Her body feels electric on the short walk back to the hotel. He doesn’t do more than hold her hand and she thinks that is what has her nerves jittery, his palm in her hand sets her alight. She can feel his rough skin and the calluses on his fingers and the fingertips he runs over her skin and she bites back a moan.

Moaning in the middle of a bustling London street? She’d be thrown into an asylum she’s sure.

Beside her he’s quiet but his steps are quick. She has to lightly jog to keep up with long strides. He pulls on her hand to help her keep pace. It makes her think he’s as impatient for it as she is so she was surprised when upon closing the hotel room behind him he stays by the door. Not nearing or touching or kissing.

Just - nothing.

Her throat becomes tight again as she remembers the girl from the night before and her conversation with Gale. Is that the reason why?

“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he says before she can spiral any further. Approaching her and bringing their lips together in a searing kiss, wasting no time in sliding his tongue alongside hers.

“I love you,” she responds and once again he doesn’t say it back. She figured he wouldn’t but she wanted to try. He takes her mouth in his again.

She gets irrationally angry, suddenly feeling the need to claim him so she bites at his bottom lip. He pulls back to press a finger to his lip, wiping the blood there.

Lila pulls on his belt, dropping to her knees right there in the middle of the room.

Mine. He’s mine.

“Make me your wife again,” she’s not sure but it sounds like she’s begging as she manages to unbuckle his belt and pull them around his strong thighs.

“God,” he breathed, “fuck. Look at you.”

Swollen lips parted for him to put to use. John wrapped his fist around her long hair to maintain a good grip, allowing the tip of his cock to hit the back of her throat. There was no resistance, no gag, her body remembering how it was taught to take all of him even though time had passed. John loved that fucking mouth and he found himself angry as thoughts entered his mind - if anyone had fucked her mouth while he’d been away - and he jerks his hips more forcefully. Rough.

This time Lila does gag. Her hand goes to push against his hip but he doesn’t allow her to pull away.

“Did anyone else do this?”

She splutters, eyes on him and confused with a mouthful of cock, unable to talk.

“Did you suck someone else’s cock? This is mine, Lila. Mine.”

He holds her down for a couple of more seconds before allowing her reprieve. She sputters and coughs, looking at him the entire time.

His dick is still hard and long, standing to attention, and he’s not sure whether he should apologize before she’s taking his bobbing dick back into her mouth. To the back of her throat and gulping and fondling his balls. Her nose kissing the coarse hairs on his belly trail and although it feels fucking amazing - he can feel the anger too. Her anger.

How dare he accuse her.

When she pulls off there’s a strand of saliva connecting his prick to her tongue. She has half a mind to go back for more but he’s pulling her back by her hair.

“I’m so lucky to have a wife who’s cock hungry,” he groans, pulling her to her feet by her hair and connecting their mouths in a rough kiss. Their teeths crash and tongues wrestly and he feels fucking crazy that she tastes like him. Simultaneously ripping each other’s clothes off.

Lila didn’t have any warning. One second she was kissing him and ripping open his shirt and the next she was bent over the bed with her ass in the air. John ran a finger over the wet patch on her underwear. The bite on her cheek was also unexpected and she clawed at the sheets, sure she could come from the feeling alone.

“This is mine, Lila,” he leaned in close, burying his face in her underwear. “Mine.”

All she could do was whimper and agree.

John smacked her ass so hard it jiggled. Lila yelled and after the pain ceded, time seemed to stop. Nothing but their rough breathing filling the room. John had never done that before.

She wasn’t sobbing but there were tears escaping. She was sure he didn’t know. He was waiting for a reaction.

Lila wasn’t sure where this side of her husband came from. Had he held back those two months? Did he learn it in Europe? Was that why there was another woman - because she couldn’t satisfy him?

She can’t lose him.

“Please,” she begs, hiding tears in the duvet, “do it again.”

Lies. It was all lies but John believes her and he strikes again. She yelps, fisiting the sheets. He believes it’s in pleasure.

Ten slaps. That’s how many she endures before he begins shushing and petting her again. He runs his fingers through her folds and although she didn’t enjoy the punishment mentally - she did nothing wrong, he was the liar - her body certainly did. She’s sopping wet, she’s gonna have to throw out her underwear because they’re destroyed.

“Did you enjoy that?” He grabs a fistful of her hair to sit her up, her back against his sweaty, matter chest. “You like being spanked, baby?”

“Yes.” It’s only half of a lie.

“Now - now, I’m going to fuck you. Nice and hard, just how you like it,” she wants to scream at him. She wants to hit him. When did she ever like it hard? When was hard ever nice? Who was he thinking about because it wasn’t her.

But at the same time she rocks back against him to feel his cock hard between her cheeks. She can’t say she doesn’t want it. Him. This.

He pushes her back down at her teasing, using his now free hands to spread her cheeks and show her tight asshole. Untouched and pure. He presses the tip of his cock against it but he doesn’t push. He doesn’t move.

She jerks at the pressure. Drools on the mattress as she tries to bite down to temper her screams.

Do it.

No, don’t.

“One day,” he promises, pressing deeper so her hole opens but not deep enough to push. “But today, today I want this.” And without any prepping like she’s used to, without any more warning, he’s sliding down and pushing into her. Hard. Deep.

She screams, can’t help it, claws at the mattress in an attempt to crawl away.

It hurt but it felt so good.

Who was she?

“You think you can go be with other men? Let them use the holes I trained? The ones that belong to me?” He pumps into her deep. Once, twice. She’s so wet the noises filling the room are pornographic, her yelling and his panting and her sopping wet vagina smacking against his thighs and taking his cock so well. “You like it like this, Lila? Like when I fucking own you?”

“Yes, yes,” she swears and this time she isn’t lying. It’s all she can manage; she thinks she’s gone cock dumb. There are no words, no feelings, just the feeling of him filling her.

She clenches tight when he slides out. She wants him inside her forever.

He releases his hold of her hair, stepping away. He’s tired of muffling her moans and words. He’s tired of not being able to see her beautiful face.

John’s favorite face in the entire world.

“Turn around,” he commands.

Lila kneels on wobbly legs as she turns over, having little to no energy and bouncing as her body lands with no grace on the mattress. John grabs one of her jiggling breasts in his large hand, squeezing tightly.

“I fucking missed these.” He takes one in his mouth, biting down on her nipple hard. She shrieks but holds his head to pull him closer.

Her thighs are forced open by his hand and then he’s taking hold of himself and thrusting in deep again. Releasing her breasts from his mouth in order to look at her mouth. Lila’s face when he’s fucking her is as close to heaven as he thinks he’ll ever get. She’s incoherent but she’s begging for more - that much he can make out. She manages to gather the strength to grab hold of him and pull him down, clawing at his back.

He hisses at the pain and bites on her collarbone to reciprocate it.

When she grabs the nape of his neck, the cool touch of her wedding ring against his skin, it gives him pause. This was his wife. His wife.

John has been gone so long he thinks he forgot he was married.

“I love you,” he finally says it, pressing his forehead against hers as he slows down. He sniffles then, leaning down to press a wet open-mouthed kiss against hers and swallow her moans. John can’t believe he forgot he had this; can’t believe he forgot for a minute how lucky he was. She’s gorgeous (and not just externally) and he’s quite sure he somehow managed to dream her up. “I love you,” he swears again.

This time she’s the one who doesn’t say it.

She clutches at neck and pulls him down to take a boob in his mouth. Looking him in the eye hurts too damn much. Why did he have to do this now? She was lost in the pain; she had been taking her punishment.

Lila squeezed her eyes shut, moaning loudly as she thrashed around the bed. Her orgasm taking over her body. She wrapped both legs tighter around John, squeezing and pulsing around him and dragging him to the edge with her.

“Fuck, fuck,” he roared, “so damn tight. Yes, Lila. My perfect wife.”

For a couple of seconds, they lay in the aftermath. Lila could feel the heat of John’s breath against her neck. She counted how many breaths they shared in between one another as they recuperated.

Forty-seven that’s how many breaths they shared as they stayed connected.

Forty-eight that’s when John managed to lift his head and place a peck against her mouth. One she didn’t return.

Forty-nine that’s when John pulled back in concern. Lila was so still.

Fifty. That’s the breath she used to say, “you cheated on me,” looking him right in the eyes as she broke out in uncontrollable sobs.

She cried and cried underneath him. Unable to move because her legs felt like jello and they held no power. Unable to push him off because she didn’t want to let him go. Unable to speak because she was suffocating in her heartbreak.

John watched her until he couldn’t, until he was afraid she was going to choke on her own tears and then he was sitting her up, trying to ignore the way she fought against his touch.

I’m sorry, I’m here, he kept saying.

I hate you, she thought but didn’t say.

Until finally, “don’t touch me!” She yelled when he got too close and made to wrap her up in a hug. “Get away from me, John. Stay away.” She crawled to the edge of the bed and curled herself into a tiny ball. Aware she was fully naked and he was still leaking out of her but she couldn’t find it in herself to do anything except cry.

She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t open her lungs and get any air in. She slapped at the headboard, aware that she was having a panic attack as suddenly everything hit her all at once. It was entirely consuming and she couldn’t do anything to fight against it except cry. All the feelings rushed her at once.

This was going to be it. The weekend of two lovers reunited was the weekend from hell and this was going to be it. She was going to return home in a day and he would stay in Europe and continue to fight the war and seek out other girls and when he returned she wouldn’t be his wife anymore.

Lila would be scornful and full of resentment and miserable and he would leave her. This last time was going to be all she had and she hated him for ruining it.

Why couldn’t he hide his affairs better?

Why did she have to surprise him?

She was perfectly happy not knowing. She was worried and stressed to hell and crying every night missing him but, oh God, all that was better than this.

Lila isn’t sure how long it’s been since she last took a breath but she feels herself fading. She’s shivering and naked in their bed and she can only slightly take in that John’s wrapping her up in the duvet and curling himself around her to warm her up. She’s trying to tell him she can’t breathe, she’s suffocating, at the same time he’s blowing air in her face.

She’s fading when she feels it. A sting on the left side of her face. Hard and sharp and enough to have her gasping for a deep breath.

“Baby, please, wake up,” he’s crying over her, his head on her chest, “wake up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Her chest aches. She coughs.

He whips his head up so fast she almost laughs. Almost.

“Lila,” he holds her against his chest, rocking them back and forth on the bed as she takes in her surroundings. She isn’t sure how long she was out or how long she was panicking for. Had the sun been setting while she lost her shit? It was dark outside now. “Don’t leave me, you can’t leave me. Please.”

She taps at his arms to get him to release. She doesn’t think she can talk.

John allows her the space but he doesn’t remove himself from the bed. He stays kneeling, watching her. His hands keep twitching like he wants to reach out and touch her but he’s trying to respect her wishes of not being touched.

She doesn’t lay back down, she stays resting against the headboard. Breathing hurts. She’s scared of suffocating once more. Her left cheek begins burning and she wishes she had the strength to go look in the mirror. Did he mark her? She hopes he did.

Lila’s glad he made it hurt.

“You need to go,” she finally manages to say, ignoring the way he’s already shaking his head in defiance. “Leave me here, John. I want you to go. Get another room.” Find another woman. “I leave in a day.” She wishes she never came to stupid London. She wishes she could forget this entire trip.

“Lila it’s the war,” he starts, shaking in his own tears. “It’s all the shit I see, baby. None of it was because of you okay? None. You don’t fucking know what it’s like up there for us but I stay alive in hopes of coming home to you.” He promises.

She shakes her head, fighting back any more tears. How the hell could she still have any tears left?

“But Gale didn’t cheat,” it bursts out of her before she can stop it and she knows it’s the wrong thing to say entirely.

John stops his apologies, clearing his throat as he gets up and begins dressing into his suit. She doesn’t stop him. She doesn’t take back any of what she said. She gets tired of sitting so she lays on her side, staring out the window and noticing London doesn’t have many stars. Is that why it’s so horrible here? Because there were no stars to wish upon.

She could hear his boots stomping on the ground as he reached the door. “Maybe you should have married Gale fucking Cleven then.” And the door slams shut behind him.

She wonders if he’s angry enough to find a girl and sleep with her. Her eyes blur. The time on the clock is six p.m and London’s already dark. She realizes she hasn’t slept since her plane ride. About 19 hours awake - her and John.

Lila allows her eyes to close, hoping when she wakes everything will be better.

Shadows over her eyelids wake her up. Lila finds she hasn’t moved. She’s in the same position facing the window. Facing London, only now bombs are dropping over it. The prettiest colors burst forward in the window but she knows it's truly only tragedy and loss. Murder.

She recognizes John sitting in the arm chair and she wonders when he got back. He isn’t facing her, he’s watching bomb after bomb drop and land no more than mere miles away from them. He’s holding a whiskey on ice, twirling the ice so it hits against the glass.

Lila wonders then if it was the shadows or the noise that woke her up.

“I must have punched in my card a long time ago,” his voice is strong in the dead of the night, seemingly even louder than when he’s singing in the pub. “It must be the reason for all of this. Karma.” He scoffs.

I deserve this, is what he’s trying to say.

Lila feels her stomach twist and spin and there’s bile sitting in her throat. She closes her eyes to stop herself from imagining John in a plane, dropping a bomb that lands on children. She closes her eyes so she doesn’t have to see the hurt sitting on his shoulders.

She remembers how angry she was when he first signed up. Before they were married. They had been dating for over a month, barely, and she already scribbled ‘Mrs. Egan’ over her notebooks. She’d heard it from his younger sister, Eileen, and she felt her world stop. She hadn’t hesitated to run to the stables he worked at and confront him in front of all the men.

“You’re leaving me,” she had accused him. “You’re gonna leave! I’ll never forgive you, John Egan.”

And in front of everyone he’d knelt down and produced a ring, the one his father had given his mother and said, “Marry me.” He didn’t ask because they both knew it wasn’t a question.

She was already his.

And he was hers.

Lila had forgiven him and promised to love, honor, and obey for the rest of her life.

She doesn’t have the strength to stand so even though her throat burns she speaks. “Lay with me,” she croaks. Her voice is raspy and broken and even clearing it aches.

John shakes his head. “You don’t want me to.”

“Lay with me,” she repeats, firm. “I just want to fall asleep with you.”

He looks at her like he's scared to believe. Trying to figure out whether she’s simply being cruel and going to kick him out in her next breath. Or more likely, he’s scared she’ll lose her shit being near him again.

John, hopeful and never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, sets his drink down and nears the bed. Lila keeps her eyes locked on his and he does the same. Their moves and tension resemble a game of chicken, one of them afraid any sudden change can have the other running off.

“Take off your uniform,” she says when he pushes back the covers while still fully dressed. He jerks his head in confusion and she bites her lip to contain a laugh at his dirty mind. Sex is the last thing on her mind. “I want to feel you, that’s all.”

John does as she asks, setting his cap down and shredding every layer before he’s naked and gorgeous and sliding in beside her. She doesn’t allow herself to think about what it means when she immediately slides closer.

Lila’s the one to wrap her arms around him.

Lila’s the one to intertwine their legs.

John follows her lead, lifting an arm so she can raise her head and use it as a pillow. She scoots her face closer and she nuzzles into her armpit, smelling his deodorant and feeling his hairs poke at her nose. She moves further along, escaping the cocoon of his armpit to press her cheek against his chest. She clutches his dog tags in her palm, tight, so he can’t get up in the middle of the night.

“Can we fall asleep together?” She asks, but when she looks up John’s already there.

The next time Lila wakes up her palm aches. She releases what she’s gripping, remembering how she clung to John’s dog tags when he slid into bed beside her. She lifts her head and finds John already looking at her.

He’s got the saddest eyes she’s ever seen and she hates that she’s partly why.

“We should talk,” her voice is low and cracks from not being used. John nods his head but makes no move to begin.

Lila lays her head back on his chest, lightly picking at his matted, curly chest hair. She presses her lips to a freckle near his nipple and his intake of breath lets her know he felt it,

“I’m not the one you write the most letters too,” she starts, finding it easier to not have to look him in the eye. “You write the most to your mom. And I’m not the one who can calm you down when your anger gets the best of you,” she’s so tired of crying, “that’s Gale. “And I can’t even be here for you at the end of a mission to console you or kiss you or help you forget,” she chokes on a sob. “That’s whoever else.”

I couldn’t even keep our baby healthy, she leaves out.

“What’s your point with all this, Lila?”

Lila lifts her head from his chest, “My point is I���m a horrible wife. I - I don’t know if it was too soon or just not thought out but this - I- ” she can’t get the rest of the words out.

“Don’t say that,” John sits up against the headboard, forcing her up as well. He grabs both her wrists in one of his hands to pull her closer and grab her attention. “Don’t fucking tell me that, Lila.”

“I don’t make you happy,” she shakes her head.

“You do. Everything I do, everything I’m doing - it’s for you Lila.”

“I don’t want to marry Gale. Or someone like him. I love you. Only you. But I’m scared that I don’t make you happy. You deserve better.”

“Oh you dumbass,” John coos, suddenly finding the entire situation amusing. He pulls her in for a hug. “You’re my entire fucking heart, Lila Egan. You don’t think you make me happy? You’re the only thing in my life, in my head, that makes me happy.”

She pulls away to hold his face. “If you’re gonna leave me John you need to tell me now. I don’t care about the girls if all they are is to pass the time. And I don’t care that you write to your mom more than me and I don’t care that Gale is the one you listen to but I just need to be the one you love the most. I need to know I’m making you happy.”

His heart aches at the fact that he made her feel she was ever anything less than the most important person in his life. “Lila,” he presses a kiss to her lips, “Rose,” another kiss, “Egan,” another. “Are my only reason for staying alive.”

[zalrb]

"Your husband?"

"You will my husband. Tonight."

I love how that's the line that makes Cesare give in to his sister. It's so revealing. Despite his initial resistance, Lucrezia made him crumble by offering him the chance to fulfil his most secret desire - be her husband.

I know it's obvious because there was evidence of Cesare's envy since Season 1, but that moment is so evocative.

Marriage is such a wonderfully layered and nuanced theme between Cesare and Lucrezia

because it isn't envy for me, it's that from season one, there's this deep-seated knowledge between the two of them that they're destined for unfulfilling marriages because they won't be marrying each other

and more than that, they're not able to freely feel their love or celebrate it or announce it in a holy union

So, their consummation in 3x03 with Lucrezia saying this

is like their own private version of a wedding for themselves for just the night where they do feel freely and celebrate and announce even if it's just to one another, and it's such a great parallel with Lucrezia's wedding in 1x04 where Cesare effectively does the groom carry

and brings her to the 'marriage bed'

but seeks to prevent consummation for the night in an effort to protect her innocence and her happiness and in 3x04 Lucrezia refrains from going to her marriage bed to seek true happiness with Cesare

[richard1005]

Phase Sixers Season 1 Episodes List

1x01-Pilot

Just the begging of the series. The Phase Sixers crush on the planet with Rodimus and Sixshot and him encounter Chromedome and Rewind. Headmaster flashback ensues

1x02-The Transmitter

Tarn takes Rodimus and Overlord (for some reason) to get back the transmitter of the Peaceful Tyranny. They find it, only to be discovered by a swarm of Pteraxadon.

1x03-The Lost Light Attack!

Yes some title are inspired by the Japanese ones. The survivor of the Lost Light attack the Phase Sixers, only to realize the war has ended (much to a lot of people dismay) Family issues between Nautica and Tarn and Sixshot meets his ex, Ultra Magnus. Oh and Overlord meets Fortress Maximus again I guess.

1x04-A Whole City Of Opportunity

Black Shadow takes Rodimus to the Lost Light City and pisses everyone off. B.I.R.D. appears and Shadow can't stop being himself. he also gets hit with the meta-bomb. (Yeah he's the swerve of the team)

1x05-Who's Afraid Of The DJD?

Tarn finally finds his old team. DJD or Phase Sixers who is better for him? Also Fortress trying to not implode thanks to the war criminal that land every day on his planet.

1x06-Attack From Outer Space! (Inspired by the RID episode) Gigatron arrives to Antilla to reunite with Overlord and see who's the strongest. Fortress is again trying not to explode.

1x07-The Scavengers

Rodimus meets the Scavenger, normal adventure with a treasure to find and a giant monster to beat. Skyfall appears.

1x08-My Friend Sixshot!

(From Headmaster) Chromedome disappears, Rewind gets help from Sixshot, both don't want to, but Rewind needs to find his husband and Sixshot doesn't want to just let Chromedome die like that.

1x09-A Spy Among Us Part 1

Mid-Season finale. Makeshift creates chaos around the Lost Light City, It's like among us but better.

1x10-A Spy Among Us Part 2

Mid-Season Finale. The same as part 1, Makeshift isn't going to last long.

1x11-Space Bridge Adventure

While trying to repair the space bridge, Whirl and Rodimus accidentally activate it, random teleportation around the galaxy happens.

1x12-The Mysterious Warrior

(Not Greatshot) Blue Bacchus appears and Black Shadow and him have married couple problems.

1x13-Expiration Date

If you watched the TF2 video than you know what this is.

1x14-A Murder Weapon and A Warden

Finally, Overlord and Fortress Maximus have an adventure! It's as bad as it sounds.

1x15-Enter The Nightbird

Our favourite ninja girl arrives! Sixshot has to do the adult of the situation.

1x16-Family Bonding

Problems in paradise. Sixshot with Nightbird. Oh and Drift apparently decides to do something since the start of the season.

1x17-Unleash The Beasts

The Terrorcons have finally found Sixshot, he's not that happy. Neither is Defensor.

1x18-Teamwork Makes The Dreamworks

The Terrorcons and the DJD have to work together. It's as bad as it sounds.

1x19-Stormbringer Part 1

The Phase Sixers found about their original mission, the Stormbringer. They travel to the destroyed Nebulon to fight him. It doesn't end well.

1x20-Stormbringer Part 2

With Thunderwing now approaching Antilla. The Phase Sixers must find a way to return to the planet and stop the Stormbringer.

[sixstepsaway]

okay but mary and izzy parallels? i have a hunch about how they're supposed to -- well, be parallels. but no one's talking about it. thoughts? - ripple

hi ripple!! hope you're doing well!

There has been discussion of Mary/Izzy parallels but I haven't found a lot of meta about it. If you'd like to really be agonized, check out this gifset. Izzy and Ed with Mary's quotes over them. Mm. Pain.

But, as for my own thoughts on this:

Izzy and Mary are deeply paralleled throughout the show, both narratively (similar journeys) and contextually (the way the show is edited).

The first time this is really shown, as far as I can tell, is in 1x04. Stede is dreaming of Mary, remembering his highly failed marriage. He's dreaming of when he showed her the model ship of the Revenge, how passionate he was about it, how much he loved the idea of going away to sea. Mary's response is... not great, as she doesn't like the ocean and doesn't hate their lives, at least not as much as Stede does.

She doesn't get it.

The show immediately swaps to Ed rummaging through the Revenge while Izzy trails around after him trying to get him to focus on their lives. Ed produces the model ship and gushes about how cute it is.

Izzy doesn't get it.

The model ship is purposefully used to draw the two scenes together, to show Stede and Ed in their respective relationships (Stede with his rapidly failing and then abandoned marriage, Ed with his rapidly degenerating and soon to be abandoned work marriage (see: Izzy leaving in 1x06 and Ed leaving in 1x09)).

It's a fascinating parallel that I especially enjoy because Ed and Izzy aren't, in canon right now at least, in a sexual or romantic relationship, nor do we think right now they've ever been (I doubt they've ever been, truly. I don't think that's in their past at all), so the framing of Stede's marriage (lacking love and affection) against Izzy and Ed's platonic* relationship (full of love and affection but it's diminishing faster and faster every day) is gorgeous, because it shows that relationships aren't always the standard Person A + Person B in love and married and then they fell out of it and it was Bad because of that.

(*Yes, David Jenkins says Izzy is in love with Ed, and we all agree with him, but for the sake of the framing, the fact they're not doing anything with those feelings makes the relationship itself platonic)

I find in a lot of media, relationships are shown only as participating in the relationship escalator and no other relationships "count", and queer relationships are pushed into that same relationship escalator because enforcing heteronormativity even on queer relationships is essential (blah blah purity culture blah blah making being queer palatable to corporations blah blah sanitizing the queer movement blah blah)

(I remember when Chicago Fire did a storyline where Severide lost his best friend (who I'm pretty sure he was in love with, but she was a lesbian, and i digress) to an accident that took her life and he was absolutely destroyed by it. He ran off for a weekend in Vegas, where he met a woman who had recently lost her husband suddenly. They got drunk, got married, and he brought her home as his new wife and everyone flipped out because it seemed so stupid and she was surely not good and was playing him for a fool or something.

But in the end, they were married for a few months, never in love, but their brief relationship helped them both heal and they ended up going their separate ways. And I loved that, because not all break-ups or divorces have to be "failures", and not all relationships have to march up the endless escalator.)

It's nice to see a relationship posed in a way that isn't just the escalator and isn't just "oh yeah we dated once" or whatever. This is beside the point though lmao.

The contextual framing continues when Ed returns to the Revenge as well. Stede goes back to Mary, Ed goes back to Izzy. They go back to the familiar, the safe, and they're not greeted the way they'd like.

Mary makes sure Stede knows he's unwelcome now, though it's not because he's changed (although he has: drinking, attacking Doug etc) so much as that he left a gap and she filled it with someone else (someone better, in fact, for her, someone who can give her what she wants and needs and love her) in his absence (as she should).

Izzy meanwhile welcomes Ed back with open arms, but can't cope with his changes. Ed is softer, more vulnerable and open, and maybe if that had been how he was when they first met, that might have been okay. Izzy might have wormed his way into that vulnerability and made a nest there, a safe place for himself and a bit of armor for Ed, but as it stands right now he can't do that, because he doesn't know how and nor does Ed, and so instead he wants Ed to go back to how things were in the past.

But you can never go home again, can you?

That's sort of the base message of 1x10 imo: you can never go home again. Stede can't pursue his life of piracy and expect his family to welcome him home with open arms, and Ed can't soften up and abandon his life of piracy and expect Izzy to just adapt overnight and accept that new version of him.

(And it's unreasonable of either of them to expect those things from the other person. Izzy didn't sign up for a life with soft-n-squishy Ed, and Mary didn't sign up to be the woman waiting at port for her wayward husband to come home whenever he chooses.)

Narratively, Mary and Izzy are mirrored throughout the first season, primarily with Izzy and Mary being fully committed to the lives they've signed up for. Mary may be unhappy, but she tells Stede as much: she doesn't hate their lives, not enough to yeet them into the abyss, but they're the only lives they're going to get and this is their lot, so shouldn't they make the best of it?

Izzy might be struggling too, but he clings to Ed like a lifeline at all times, refusing to budge even when Ed's mental state gets so rickety he puts everyone around him in danger.

The difference is that when Stede leaves Mary, she flourishes. She finds someone better for her, she takes up painting, she loves her children without hesitation, she makes friends and extends her social circle. When Izzy is forced to leave Ed, he stagnates and his entire focus is on getting Ed back and keeping that promise he made, even if Ed doesn't want it kept anymore.

Mary and Izzy are on the same path, but Mary is miles ahead of him. Since I don't think we'll get Steddyhands or Blackhands in canon, I hope Izzy gets to reach the end of the path like Mary did, with someone who loves and deserves him, and a social circle that supports him.

Then, you have the main issue with Ed and Stede: lack of real communication, and massive failure whenever they try.

Stede tried when he told Mary he wanted to run away to sea, but she shot him down (fairly so, in my eyes), and so he never tried again.

Ed tries when he tells Izzy how bored he is, but Izzy is focused on the fact Ed's boredom is going to get them killed (fairly so, again), so Ed doesn't talk to him about how he's feeling about Stede in relation to that boredom.

Both of them talk around what they're actually feeling and considering doing, neither of them really talk about the problem and try to find a solution they just wildly yank the other person around like a dog with a toy, because they've always been there, so won't they continue to always be there?

I read Stede as having had a certain level of reliance on Mary. I believe they could be really good friends now their marriage is over, though I don't think they were before lmao. But the way wives were expected to act and be treated in 1717 implies she was likely doing most of the household work, raising the children etc. We don't ever see any servants I don't think, even in the background of the current day scenes in 1x10, and that makes me think Mary does most of it.

Which explains a lot about why Stede is a fucking mess when he first breaks free of that life and it reframes how he is as honestly how well he adapts and changes to fit in his new life! Assuming we go by Ed's, "these last few weeks" and assume the show to be about 10 weeks because of the season length (which I hate, thanks), he managed to stop being a complete mess in about five weeks and that's damn impressive. Kudos and cookies to Stede Bonnet.

I read Stede as autistic with some social deficits, which is why he's so... blunt, I suppose? It's also why he takes everyone around him at face value (if they say something is a way, he believes them, no matter whether they might be lying). I can imagine that during his marriage, Mary - who I do not read as autistic - was the one gingerly keeping him from being scammed or robbed or overtly lied to by people around him, and now he doesn't have her so he just has to learn for himself! And he does really well actually at that.

See also: him believing Pete about his prior time serving under Blackbeard. I too believe Pete, but let's not act like his stories don't sound like utter fabrications. Stede just... believing him, that Blackbeard has a head made of smoke and his eyes glow and that Pete served under him and was dubbed Black Pete for serving so well.

(Also, I know there's a running fandom joke about Pete calling himself Black Pete considering he's pasty white, but you've all realized it's a direct reference to Blackbeard right? He's saying Ed gave him the moniker of Black to echo his own!)

Meanwhile, as we've said before, Izzy has been shackled with being Ed's SSRIs, adderall and bullet journal for god knows how long, frankly, and without him Ed... does struggle. We don't see a lot of it because he has the Revenge crew filling the blanks and his fixation on Stede is also keeping him from sinking back into depression, but it's definitely there. He's supposedly acting as a co-captain in 1x07, but they run out of oranges. Calico Jack shows up and he just attaches to him like a barnacle and doesn't track that maybe he's being insensitive. It takes Lucius giving him a stern talking to twice for him to figure his shit out, and that's without any real dire consequences going on around him.

He also jumps right to running away to China which is objectively not a great plan for him or Stede, and Izzy absolutely would have said, "The fuck? You don't even speak Mandarin, Edward." to it.

He does okay without Izzy, likely because he's had more practice, but he definitely misses something that he's been reliant on Izzy for: a steadying hand and someone who spots the details he misses (like not knowing Mandarin and it being a leap year).

But whereas Mary gets loose of those shackles, Izzy desperately tries to get back into them because he doesn't know how to function without Edward and, frankly, Edward doesn't know how to function without Izzy either, not now his dopamine fix has run away.

When Mary tries to kill Stede when he comes back and ruins her life, Stede and Mary instead come up with a plan together to fix things, to set both of them free. They communicate, which allows them to work together, in a rather perfect harmony actually, and understand each other's needs and learn to care for one another outside of the shackles.

When Izzy tries to 'kill' this new version of Edward that's ruining his life (literally trying to un-pirate them all), Ed strikes out in return. Instead of working together, they break apart and fracture, two forces with differing needs that can't find a middle ground because the communication has broken down.

Like I say: Izzy and Mary are on the same road, but Mary is far further down than Izzy is.

The parallels truly kill me but they also give me some hope for the future when it comes to Izzy.

Currently Mary is 'best case scenario' and Izzy is 'oh my god what the fuck WORST CASE WORST CASE??? PUT THE SCISSORS DOWN EDWARD' but hey, maybe we can get there!

[harrietmjones]

Theories that came to mind, whilst watching 1899

Just thought I’d write them down somewhere, just so I could see how right or (very wrong) I’ve been with thinking these.

I’ve tried to put them down in order of when I thought them but might be a bit all over the place!

I’ve also tried to write down/remember at what point whilst watching, that I had these theories come up. It’s going to be a mess, I am sure…just like my mind always is!

I’m not going to say if I’ve got any right or wrong, for spoilers if you haven’t watched the show but anyone who’s seen it will know.

Maura and Daniel are married but only Daniel remembers. I thought this as, when he introduces himself as her neighbour; I noticed he seemed to stumble on the word, neighbour, almost like he wanted to say something else, like husband. (1x02)

The passengers who are drawn to one another, even if they’re with someone else, such as being married to another, they’re who are actually together in the real world, as I assume the ship life is false. The moments/examples that made me think this were, the French couple, Clémence and Lucien are married but she’s drawn to Jérôme and my mind went to this theory when Clémence and Jérôme first spoke. Also, they and Maura and Daniel said the same thing about the other looking familiar. (1x02)

Everyone’s being watched, very much like The Truman Show. (1x02)

The mysterious boy is Maura and Daniel’s son. The theory stemmed because I thought he looked legitimately like an amalgamation of both Maura and Daniel and I thought it was for a reason (well the show’s casting found someone who looked like Emily and Aneurin because it’s all a tv show for us viewers and not real). Also Maura’s maternal-like tendencies towards the boy made me think this. The theory built up in my head over several episodes, starting with seeing a resemblance with Maura. (1x02 - 1x04)

The boy technically only exists as a memory (similar to the tv show Killjoys), pulled from Maura’s memories, where then a false memory is created for her, which made her think she had a miscarriage instead of her son dying at some point after being born, which she found extremely emotionally painful. The boy is her son having been allowed to grown up. (1x03)

The main setting is actually a fake world, whether it through a dream or a created reality and in reality, it’s a futuristic world and not actually the 1800’s. (1x03 - 1x04)

The main setting is a fake world (same as above) and reality is an alien world, that’s more advanced than ours but is still in the 1800’s, if we’re using the earth’s way of telling the time (1x05).

Maura is actually her mother. As in, what she’s said about her mother to Eyk in 1x06, is actually what’s happening/happened to her in reality. Her missing brother might be her son (or who I had thought of as her son) or she had two children but lost another son. This is all only if the ship reality is all a simulation that is. (1x06)

The passengers who jumped were all, basically NPCs. (1x07)

The passengers with letters, their physical bodies are somewhere else, a scientific compound or ship of some kind. (1x07)

Wow is it a mess but there we are!

[iminsomanyfandomsitscrazy]

So… about episodes 7 and then 8:

As I’ve said before, I really don’t like Rhaenyra & Daemon. It’s not even really the incest thing (though it is weird that instead of Rhaenyra saying “I need you Daemon” she chose to say “I need you Uncle”), but more I don’t see the chemistry, and well… it’s Daemon. (I also wasn’t surprised to hear Daemon say he didn’t love Laena, but Rhaenyra saying that Harwin was ok bc she trusted him???? - so, that also pissed me off).

Also the fact that their love started bc he tried to take advantage of her when she was really young for the sole purpose of destroying her and making him King… Now, I DO INDEED KNOW that they are in love, you can see it on their faces, but I think the beginning of it is something that’s putting me off the ship. He only tried to have sex w/ her in 1x04 to try and force Viserys’ hand to have him marry Rhaenyra so he could become King Consort - and anyone who says otherwise is lying. And since then, most of what we’ve seen when it comes to romantic love has been on Rhaenyra’s side, not really Daemon’s. Now, that did change a bit in 1x07, but still…

And then WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE AND THEN IMMEDIATELY GETTING MARRIED?!?!?! I get that they’re saying “fuck it” to the rumors and speculation, but really getting married like the next day??? I get that they did set Laenor free, and they truly are just saying “fuck it” to the rumors and speculation, but Jacarys and Lucerys just lost their dad.

^^^Also that Rhaenyra has a lot of issues and problems resulting from everyone leaving and abandoning her (most notably Alicent and Daemon), and though here Daemon is, saying he won’t leave her even though he has abandoned her the last 2 times she’s seen him, do you know who else hasn’t abandoned Rhaenyra? Laenor. He might not have been the best husband, like he admitted, but he was still the one who was by her side when she needed him to be. And I get, Laenor isn’t ambitious, so he won’t be a great husband if your thirsting to take over the world, but still!!! I loved Laenor!!!

***Also, for everyone going “oh, we’ll look at Rhaenyra’s kids, they’re obviously Bastards” - like there are hundreds of genes that go into skin color/hair color. So… do they look like they’re 1/4 black? No, but even if Laenor was their dad, they could’ve come out of the womb lighter or darker than anyone else in the family. I get that the allegations are stronger since all three boys came out as looking very fair and all are brunette, but still…

******And another side note: I have seen Daemyra shippers go through the 1x07 sex scene/their scenes together, and also hearing what Emma and the show runners said in the “Inside the Episode”, so I do get it, and I’m not hating on it, it’s just not my cup of tea.

[misscrazyfangirl321]

How about Terra Nova for the ask meme? My dad used to watch that show, I think, but I was too little at the time

my favorite female character: Man, that is tough. Probably Maddy, because Nerdy Teenage Girl who is Awkward is just. Great. She only beats Elisabeth by a slight margin, though. 

my favorite male character: JIM MY BELOVED (platonic). He’s such a good dad. 

my favorite book/season/etc: There’s only one season.

my favorite episode (if its a tv show): Man, they all run together in my head. Um. Okay, I just googled, and... Probably 1x04, “What Remains.” Because “I lost my memory of the past several years, and I don’t remember my husband, but the boyfriend I remember having is also here, and my husband woos me again” is. A heck of a plot. 

my favorite cast member: I know nothing about them. 

my favorite ship: Jim/Elisabeth. Married couple whose only crime is family (also also the jailbreak and stuff, but that was about family too). 

a character I’d die defending: Zoe. (Who wouldn’t???) 

a character I just can’t sympathize with: Lucas. I don’t know, maybe I’ll feel differently about him this time around, but even though I really like the kind of character fandom tends to interpret him as, in the show he just came off as a creep to me. I don’t remember what his Reason For Being The Way He Is was, though. 

a character I grew to love: Taylor. At first, as I recall, I didn’t like him much. Also, Josh grew on me.

my anti otp: Unpopular opinion in the fandom, but I Do Not Like Skye/Lucas. Elaboration under the cut:

At all. Nope. It squicks me out. It’s funny, because “Enemies to lovers” is one of my favorite tropes, but in this case, it just comes off as “Grown adult is a creep to teenage girl, referring to her as his little sister even though she isn’t while also being weirdly inappropriate toward her, but don’t worry, it’s chill, she can Fix Him.” 

Thankfully they aren’t canon, but. Yeah. 

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

I am curious: what are your favorite scenes from your main ships (date, dair, derena...)?

scenes involving milo don't count, sorry!

for me, it's really not just scenes, but body language & just in general, how they are with each other, you know? dan and serena grin at each other and hug SO much, you can tell that being around each other in s1 made them both so happy, and even after that glow fades the way they look for comfort in each other... top level stuff. the way blair looks at dan... we never see her as radiant at any other point. she was not looking at anyone else like this. and gosh, dan and nate. they're both so comfortable around each other that there's absolutely nothing weird about like. discussing that one ex girlfriend whom they both share AND both were in love with. there is literally no other duo who trusts/enjoys each other's company so much that they're comfortable in a love triangle. (probably because they're more in love with each other than with the girl, but that is not the point. or is it?)

anyway, more specific answers. under the cut. this is one of the longest answers i've ever written on this blog possibly but you KNEW that would happen when you sent this ask, didn't you? (affectionate)

derena: i tagged one of my ds reblogs as 'the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one' and like. look at them! this hug from 1x10 kills me in the best way. they are both the literal embodiment of :D when they see each other! i love 1x10 as a whole moment, their entire thing at cotillion is so sweet and they're both so happy. the fact that he is talking about his chemistry teacher during this kiss in 1x07. that bit at the end of 1x05 when they talk about their siblings (being there for their sibling because of fallible parents being a derena parallel makes me simultaneously really sad and really soft, tbh). 1x05 gives me SO MUCH SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT but the way they walk off together arms around each other does something to me - these are two people who are still getting to know each other but who really like what they see, and who trust each other and. are just having a good time together! back when derena was my OTP, the 1x11 "your story's about me?" was absolutely a fave, too, and i still adore it, albeit in a different, more nostalgic way. i like a dan who writes cute stories about serena. no empty shell sabrina van skoneker bullshit. she is so much like you, daniel! you'd be shattered if she did this to you. don't do this to her. tbh, most derena moments from s1 are just A+ romance. the bit in 2x02 in the jitney is so funny, they're SO bad at being exes. the bit in... 3x03 i think?? i don't remember... on the contrary. when they're talking about dan's fling w/ georgina and serena's relationship with carter, the ease with which they talk and how happy/supportive they are of each other's new relationships... yeah. love to see it.

i also really like any instance of them having honest/open conversations. 1x13, talking about how serena is concerned about blair. 1x08, serena talking to dan about feeling jealous of vanessa. this bit from the touch of eva or whatever that episode is. 4x04 i think. this is the conversation everyone is trying to get dan to have and he's avoiding EVERYONE else. derena interactions in 3x21 (can't find a gif right now) - the fact that dan is with serena when her dad abandons them, the fact that he goes all the way there with her. 2x07, "i'm really glad you're nate's friend. he really needs someone like you right now" (though i'm cheating, that's technically a d/n moment too klhdflkgf). there's a bit in s4 where he's advising her against having an affair w/ colin, i don't remember the ep number, but the way he takes her side so easily and naturally and puts due blame/responsibility solely on her professor... yeah. 4x10 i think this ep is?? idk. but like my tags say, im sentimental about this moment because while what dan was doing was irresponsible, sneaking her out of the ostroff, he was the only person in this episode who was actually talking to her and listening to her and taking her seriously. nobody else was doing that!!

i probably have more moments i'm not remembering, but we're only 1/3 into this answer and LOOK AT THE WORDS, good lord, i'm sorry.

dair: my favourite dair episode is hands down despicable b (5x21) which i have heard is an uncommon answer. i just love the conflict resolution of it all, okay!!! 1x04 & 2x08 are like. standard answers any dair shipper will give, and i'm no different. i love dan being able to give blair advice and blair actually taking his advice even though they're not friends yet!!! be right back, yelling at the intimacy of it all!! 5x16, with their getting together (this little kiss and dan being so startled by it), blair admitting a flaw she genuinely does have and dan saying it's not awful because it's her, which is just. romance at its finest. those vows, good lord. 5x18.... they're having fun! blair showing up at the loft in lingerie for dan... the delight on her face.... (i know this moment blows up in their face but when she's there she looks so happy and proud of herself and this was like THE moment when i was like. oh. dair is really the heart of this garbage show huh).

i think for me, the thing that really sells dan & blair together is the serena of it all. both of them love serena more fiercely than anyone else, and that is what brings them together. (fwiw i definitely think nate loved serena this much and this deeply, too; the writers just wanted to pop the serenate balloon, which even i think was extremely unnecessary and ooc.) but (& i have so much meta about this) their relationship grows beyond serena. their entire s4 arc is SO good. i love how comfortable around each other they are, in such an adult way, in the sense of like. they both bring so much stability to each other? morgan tagged this edit "the marrieds" and like. yeah. b offers to help him shave. they're having breakfast & reading the paper together.

all the love declarations we got that weren't a simple 'i love you.' be your charming wonderful self (how could she not love you/ tell me what would make you happy, dan) i told chuck he doesn't have my heart anymore (you spent your life earning the keys to set you free when you were free all along!!!!) dan's pep talk to blair in 5x21 (already linked a gifset earlier, here's another one if you want i guess). there's definitely more... but honestly, the way the dair arc was executed was so good - while i do have my complaints, i also think keeping those aside, it was SO close to perfect. i love dan & blair's banter and gradually becoming closer and closer and closer. it felt very organic and real and GOSH. the way penn & leighton looked at each other while playing dan and blair...... it's just SO MUCH.

date: this is the hardest, because it's. *screams*. maybe you saw me losing my mind over those 2 seconds of nate handing dan a waffle? i love almost every scene with these two, even the hellish s6 breakup scene. my favourite episode for d/n (& also favourite gg episode in general) is 2x06 - i love the homoerotic subtext of it all. nate pretending to be dan because dan's name is the first name that came to his head. dan flirting w/ nate while tied to that thing, in his underwear. them becoming friends. and 2x07 as a follow-up to that! dan getting nate to live in the loft with the humphreys for a while. i am so soft.

4x09 is a terrible episode in general, especially for serena my beloved, but the d/n moments in that one? off the CHARTS. this weird overly macho flirting, in some ways THE most iconic d/n line. this entire finish each other's sentences nonsense. someone (i think it was ana but im not sure?) compared the energy of those scenes i just linked to the book blairenate love triangle resolution, blairena choosing each other over nate in the books, date choosing each other over serena in the show (if only! RIP.) after the saints & sinners ball, this cute little moment of 'youre the only one who understands me. please tell me they went home together. i mean. how could they not have.

3x07, them watching vampire porn together. a tag i used on ao3 (& also on here, once) is 'nate brings out the himbo in dan'. here is a prime example. 'is she levitating?' i don't fucking know, dan, what do you think?? (i was telling my partner that that's what i love abt dair vs date. around blair dan is an intellectual, a librarian, an art historian, a museum curator. around nate it's like dan is competing to be #1 himbo on the show. can my girlfriend actually fly? i don't know, dan. i can't believe you're seriously asking such a question.)

3x12 pep talk. (sorry about the shitty quality!) essentially nate telling dan that he (dan) is hot and that he shouldn't talk himself down so much.

dan making nate gay in his book. you know. his book from which blair found out he was in love with her. nads (who i will not tag in this billion word long gushy meta, because i value her sanity) once called inside "wish fulfilment' and. i mean. yeah

nate checking dan out at the derena wedding continues to be hilarious. hilarious in the same way as dan sexually fantasising about nate. canon really went 'let's give ivy some special easter eggs' and i appreciate them a lot!

i love the way they are around each other - so quietly attuned to each other. i showed my sister my date!husbands gifset, and she was like. yeah they're so married. and it's just stuff like how dan looks for nate over his shoulder, it's not even an active action, it's as easy and natural and intuitive as breathing, checking to see if nate is still there.

oh, that wasn't as hard as it could've been! okay. cool. im SURE there's more things i could scream about, because it's DN, the fact that they're non-canon makes me THAT much fiercer about them than dair/derena, to be honest. so many dots to connect!! anyway.

[bathroombreaks]

masterpost of all my edits and fanfics pt.2

everything i’ve created can be found here. all good girls edits can be found here. all good girls fanfics can be found here. all anne with an e edits can be found here. all shadow and bone edits can be found here. my collection of gifsets of random tv shows and movies can be found here. my rainbow edits can be found here. things that i like the most/am proudest of, for whatever reason, can be found here.

this masterpost is divided into:

1. anne with an e

a. anne x gilbert edits

b. other edits

2. shadow and bone

a. alina edits

b. other edits

3. good girls

a. gifset collections

b. quote edits

c. parallel edits

d. specific scene/episode edits

e. other beth x rio edits

f. other edits

g. fanfics

--

3.a. good girls - gifset collections

good girls episode titles

countdown to s3 premiere

good girls underrated moments

top 15 good girls moments

good girls appreciation week 2020

our favourite good girls in every episode

christmas gif(t)sets

countdown to season 4

girls in season 4

good girls meme

3.b. good girls - quote edits

beth - now is the time of monsters

annie, beth and ruby - friendships between women

beth and rio - i should go

beth and rio - how to write a tragedy in three acts

beth - everything i wanted

beth and rio - the next time i smile

beth and rio - from eden

beth and rio - steadier with you by my side

beth and dean - one of you is lying

rio - rang each syllable: e-liz-a-beth

beth and rio - nothing’s fair in love and war

beth and rio - entertainer

beth and rio - my love will never die

annie - the human heart

beth and rio - the (greater) fear

beth - the mask and the wearer

beth and rio - 11pm

beth and rio - you know me too well

beth and dean - positions

beth and rio - pov

beth - #girlboss

beth and rio - let it be hell

annie and ben - slipping through my fingers all the time

beth, dean, fitzpatrick and rio - my wife is a bitch and i like her so much

beth and rio - pumped up kicks

beth and rio - we wanna be with each other but we hate each other

beth and dean - a dress like that

beth - it’s not easy for me

3.c. good girls - parallel edits

beth - baking pastries vs cooking cash [2x13]

beth and ruby - hearteyes [1x01, 1x02, 2x02, 2x09]

annie, beth and ruby - robberies [1x01, 1x08, 1x10, 2x09]

annie - throwing cash into a fireplace [season 3 promo, 3x01]

annie and beth - without kids [1x05, 1x07, 2x08, 2x09, 3x01]

beth - drinking slushies [2x05 vs 3x02]

boomer - injured [1x01, 2x02, 2x03]

beth - asking kenny to watch tv/youtube [1x02, 3x02]

rio - realising he can’t/deciding he won’t kill beth [1x02, 2x02, 2x06, 3x03]

rio - saying he needs/doesn’t need beth [1x09, 2x06, 3x04]

annie and beth - loss of vision [3x04]

annie - running [2x12, 3x04]

annie - stuffing bills on her person [2x04, 3x01]

beth, lucy and rio - rio calling someone his girl [3x03, 3x05]

beth - sarcastically using important titles to refer to rio [2x12, 3x06]

beth and rio - hitting it vs making love [1x05, 2x04, 2x09]

beth and rio - facing off [2x04, 2x06, 2x11, 3x04]

beth and rio - standing close enough to kiss [2x04, 2x09, 2x11]

rio - heavy-lidded look [2x06, 3x04]

beth and rio - rio touching beth’s shoulder [1x08, 2x09]

max and turner - boards [1x04, 3x07]

beth, danny and jane - beth not knowing how to answer [2x12, 3x07]

beth, dean and rio - trust [2x05, 3x08]

beth and rio - beth making rio laugh at the bar [2x09, 3x08]

annie - captain can do t-shirt [3x07]

beth and rio - negotiating cuts [1x04, 2x04, 2x06, 3x08]

rio - walking [3x01, 3x08]

rio - expressions [3x01, 3x08]

rio - expressions [2x05, 2x07, 3x01, 3x08]

annie, beth and rio - my girl/your boy [3x03, 3x09]

beth - lying to rio during their meetings in season 3 [3x06, 3x09]

beth - beth finding out about dean’s cheating [1x01, 2x05, 3x09]

beth and rio - standing back to back while talking [2x10, 3x06]

beth and rio - smashing things [1x02, 3x08]

beth and rio - beth being bored with normal life [1x08, 2x10, 3x10]

beth and rio - rio surprising beth in her kitchen [1x01, 3x10]

beth and rio - rio smiling after beth is awkward [2x05, 3x10]

beth and rio - beth rejecting rio’s advances [2x06, 3x11]

rio - reiterating that beth is stuck with him [2x04, 2x11, 3x11]

rio - looking at beth with a lot of emotion in his eyes [3x03, 3x11]

beth and rio - looking at each other and smiling [2x09, 2x11]

beth and rio - kissing with sunlight streaming through the window [2x09, merlin 2x02]

beth, dean, kenny and rio - how dean’s speech applies to what he thinks is happening and what’s really happening [3x10, 3x11]

beth and rio - almost up and running, walk me through it [3x11]

beth - destruction [1x01, 1x09, 2x02, 2x05, 2x10, 3x09]

beth and rio - beth realising rio is alive [3x02, 3x10]

annie, cohen and mick - annie being protective of beth [3x03, 4x01]

beth - wearing apron with lemon print [2x13, 4x01]

beth and rio - eating weirdly [3x09, 4x02]

beth - reacting to seeing boomer’s and mick’s penises [1x02, 4x02]

beth - the state of that woman’s marriage was written all over her face [1x01, 1x05, 1x06, 2x02, 2x04, 2x05, 3x09, 3x11, 4x02]

beth and rio - touching hands [2x05, 3x04, 4x03]

beth and rio - beth bending over [2x04, 4x03]

beth and dean - ignoring “i love you” [1x01, 4x03]

beth - celebrating [1x02, 4x03]

beth - pta activities [2x02, 2x10, 4x04]

rio - looking at beth [2x09, 4x04]

beth and rio - beth looking surprised when rio agrees with her [4x01, 4x04]

beth, phoebe - wire [1x05, 4x05]

beth and rio - fall guy [2x12, 4x02, 4x05]

beth and rio - beth channeling rio [3x09, 4x05]

dean - misunderstanding tattoos [3x01, 4x05]

beth and rio - hooking up [2x04, 4x06]

rio - throwing his head back laughing [2x08, 4x06]

beth and rio - business [2x12, 3x06, 4x06]

beth and rio - rio’s family pictures [2x11, 4x06]

beth, dean, nick and rio - beth being called “elizabeth“ [2x09, 4x03, 4x06]

beth and rio - #bethany, why? [2x09, 4x06]

beth - panicking [3x02, 4x01, 4x06]

rio - beth imagining rio [2x05, 3x03, 4x06]

beth, fitzpatrick, rio - beth going to unbuckle a man and being rejected [4x04, 4x06]

annie and ben - annie taking the ged test [3x10, 4x06]

beth and rio - glovebox [3x10, 4x07]

beth and rio - hook-ups and callbacks [2x04, 2x05, 2x09, 3x03, 4x06, 4x07]

beth and rio - rio touching beths’ back and shoulders [1x08, 2x02, 2x04, 2x06, 2x09, 3x07, 4x04, 4x06]

beth and rio - a dress like that [1x08, 2x04, 2x06, 3x08, 4x06]

fitzpatrick and rio - saying “i can’t talk shop on an empty stomach” [3x09, 4x07]

3.d. good girls - specific scene/episode edits

annie, beth and ruby - flashbacks in 2x08

annie, beth and ruby - ruby saying she shot a guy in 3x01

beth - smiling as lucy leaves in 3x01

annie, beth and ruby - montage of them making counterfeit cash in 3x01

annie, beth and ruby - annie looking for coffee in ruby’s kitchen in 1x08

annie, beth and ruby - deciding to rob nancy’s spas in 1x08

ruby - getting high with stan in 1x09

beth and turner - parking lot at night in 2x05

beth - sitting on the couch in 3x01

ruby - talking on the phone with gwen in 3x01

annie, beth, nancy, rhea and ruby - looking pretty in 3x02

annie, beth, judy and ruby - talking about rouge in 3x02

rio - looking at the ultrasound in 3x03

ruby and stan - together in 3x03

beth and rio - fighting in her backyard in 2x06

beth and rio - drinking and talking at the bar in 2x09

beth - destroying her thanksgiving-themed baked goods in 2x10

beth - walking home in 2x13

beth and rio - bar in 2x05

annie, beth and ruby - talking about when they’ll reopen in 1x08

beth and rio - blue and pink gifs of them in 2x09

beth - wearing the red polka dot dress in 2x04

beth and rio - kissing in her bedroom in 2x09

annie and dean - talking in the bolands’ kitchen in 1x05

annie, beth, boomer and ruby - talking in beth’s car about marion in 3x08

beth - pretending to freak out about her husband in 3x11

annie and ruby - fight in 2x10

beth and pta moms - beth finds out that lucy’s body was found in 4x01

beth - alley in 2x03

beth and rio - bar in 4x01

dean and eric - boland bubbles showroom in 4x01

beth - wearing the strawberry dress in 4x02

beth and rio - rio checking beth out during the 4x03 pool scene

beth and annie - young beth and annie in 4x03

beth and rio - talking at the bar in 4x04

beth and rio - in the bedroom in grandma’s house in 4x06

beth and rio - hands in 4x06

rosa - barbecue in 4x06

beth - thigh shots in 4x06

beth - strip club scene in 4x08

3.e. good girls - other beth x rio edits

rio touching beth

looking at each other in season 1

looking at each other in season 2

looking at each other in season 3

in every episode of season 3

rio looking at beth’s cleavage

softly smiling at each other

playlist

favourite lines of dialogue between them

faceless

tv tropes

text posts

incorrect quotes

3.f. good girls - other edits

annie, beth and ruby - icons

annie, beth, lucy, rio, ruby and stan - season 3 first look and official trailer

beth - looking pretty in season 2

annie, beth and ruby - making funny faces [1x02, 2x05, 3x05]

beth - coping mechanisms

beth - hands

annie, beth, dean, rio, ruby and stan -  colours

annie, ben, beth, dean, rio, ruby and stan - onion headlines

beth - black and white

beth - drawing

ruby - drawing

annie - drawing

rio’s golden gun, book club, paper porcupine - drawings

annie, beth, dean, rio, ruby and stan - planets

annie, beth, marcus, rio, ruby - seasons in the park

season 4 promo

good girls + rainbow

stan and diane

beth and mick in s4 trailer

annie, beth and ruby in s4 trailer

blue and yellow

annie, beth and ruby in pink, blue and purple

beth and turner

3.g. good girls - fanfics

bleed me a river - my take on how rio could’ve popped back into beth’s life after 2x13

little league (never felt so sweet) - beth and rio meet when beth picks up jane from little league practice

the bittersweet salt cracks my heart - pg-13 hate sex post-s3

a heart’s a heavy burden - howl’s moving castle au

everything you love will burn up in the light - rio is a vampire au

my heart burns there, too - beth and rio get married

aita for wanting to stop paying my wife’s “business partner” and yelling at her? - dean posts on reddit post s3

you think that by now i’d know - beth inadvertently asks out rio

“you’re being too loud, ma” prompt

“the lasagna here isn’t nearly as good as she remembered” prompt

“i told you: no dungarees” prompt

[hollygoeslightly]

I love to read your posts on Sanditon, you add a certain depth to the story that I'm addicted to. I don't know if it ever came up before but do you think Sidney felt loved/chosen by Charlotte, If he did, in which scenes? I could only identify Young Stringer's comment, as a moment that he felt chosen by her. On the other hand, it's easy to see how much interest and love he felt for her, even when they fought. Theo's eyes show how hard he fell in love since their first encouter.

Hey!

Thank you so much, that’s really lovely of you to say.

Before I address the instances where Sidney felt “chosen” by Charlotte, I think it’s necessary to look at their individual character arcs (Charlotte in particular) and how that influences how they express their feelings for each other (I have a feeling this is probably going to get a little wordy, so apologies in advance).

First of all, let’s go back to the beginning and the Charlotte the audience was first introduced to in 1x01. At the beginning, Charlotte very much lands on the sensibility end of the sense and sensibility scale (the goal being to reach a happy medium between the two) – she is a charming, kind, outspoken romantic who wears her heart on her sleeve. Charlotte is also immediately attracted to and intrigued by Sidney when she first sees his portrait in the foyer of Trafalgar House. However, as we know, Sidney doesn’t exactly make the best first impression (or second or third) and Sidney and Charlotte end up in a push/pull relationship full of misunderstandings. However, by the time of the masquerade ball in London in 1x06, Charlotte and Sidney have reached a tentative peace and Charlotte has realised that she is madly in love with the tall, dark and brooding idiot who has been instrumental in her coming of age.

“I hardly know what to think anymore… about anything. I’ve always felt so certain of my judgement and now I see I’ve been blinded by sentiment and naivety. I’ve got it all so wrong. No wonder your brother has such a poor opinion of me.”

In 1x06, Charlotte’s world view undergoes a seismic shift and she discovers that people who are willing to be open about their thoughts and feelings are not always trustworthy (like Otis) and those that play their cards close to their chest are not always driven by ulterior motives (like Sidney). This discovery not only causes Charlotte to question her own judgement, but to struggle to find her footing. It is this Charlotte that must come to terms with her love for Sidney (landing her firmly on the sense end of the sense and sensibility scale) and this Charlotte is forever waiting for the other shoe to drop – for her happiness to be snatched out from beneath her, because she is after all, only a farmer’s daughter.

On the other hand, Sidney’s begins his journey as a man who very much believes in sense over sensibility. As a way to cope with his broken engagement to Eliza, Sidney has become emotionally disconnected from his own life – he is an outlier, someone who engages with the world around him with as little cost to his own feelings as possible. However, just as Sidney was instrumental in Charlotte’s coming of age (which is still ongoing), Charlotte is instrumental in helping Sidney become his best and truest self – a person who actively engages in life. In comparison to Charlotte, Sidney is much closer to finding the happy medium between sense and sensibility, while Charlotte still feels too gun shy following Eliza’s reappearance to completely trust that her possible future with Sidney will not be taken away. When you take Charlotte and Sidney’s individual character arcs are into consideration, it’s easy to see why Sidney has been far more verbal in expressing his feelings to Charlotte, and to therefore, pinpoint the moments where Sidney has “chosen” her.

It’s also important to note that choice doesn’t present as a theme in Charlotte’s narrative in the way it does with Sidney. Quite simply, Charlotte in unable to “choose” Sidney, because for her there was never any other choice. Charlotte was attracted to Sidney from the beginning, and while she enjoyed Young Stringer’s company as a friend, he was never a real contender for her affections. Despite all their misunderstandings, for Charlotte it was always Sidney. For Sidney, his feelings for Charlotte are complicated by his past with Eliza. That’s not to say that Sidney makes a choice between Charlotte and Eliza, rather he made the choice to say goodbye to his idea of Eliza and a future with her that he had spent 10 years waiting for. Sidney’s choice was between a dream he had held onto tightly for so long or finally embracing becoming his best and truest self as a result of his love for Charlotte (side note – Sidney is again faced with the theme of choice when he is forced to decide between his own happiness or his brother’s ruin). So while Charlotte doesn’t “choose” or verbalise her love for Sidney like Sidney does with her because of the differences in their character arcs, that doesn’t mean Charlotte’s behaviour doesn’t indicate how much she loves Sidney or that Sidney is not aware of her feelings for him.

Okay, now that’s out of the way, let’s look at the ways Charlotte expresses her love for Sidney. To do this, we need to go back to episode 1x02 and Lady Denham’s luncheon and Charlotte’s response when questioned about her marriage prospects.

Lady Denham – “And you miss, are you still keeping up the pretence that you are not in Sanditon in search of a wealthy man to marry and to keep you?”

Charlotte – “Indeed I am not ma’am. I have no thoughts of marriage at all and if I were to choose a husband wealth would not come into it.”

Lady Denham – “Poppycock!”

Charlotte – “Should not a good marriage be based on mutual love and affection? Without equality of affection, marriage can become a kind of slavery.”

Not only is Sidney sitting next to Charlotte during this exchange, but he hangs on her every word. It’s worth going back and rewatching the scene again if you have the chance, because Theo James does a fantastic job of conveying just how much it matters to Sidney that Charlotte wishes to marry for love and not money.

The first time Charlotte demonstrates just how much she cares for Sidney is in 1x05 during the cricket match between the gentlemen and the workers. During the first half of the episode, Charlotte and Sidney’s relationship is noticeably strained after Sidney sent Otis back to London and Charlotte accused Sidney of keeping Otis and Georgiana apart due to racism in 1x04. Following Tom’s tantrum (dude, you were clearly out), Sidney is left on his own to forfeit the match due to a lack of players. Now it would be easy to assume that Charlotte offers to play to help Tom save face or to help cover Mary’s embarrassment regarding her husband’s childish behaviour (Tom is The Worst), however they have already both left the match. The reason Charlotte offers to play has nothing to do with Tom or Mary, and everything to do with Sidney and ensuring he is not hung out to dry by his brother. Charlotte is not concerned with the possible damage she may do to her reputation playing a man’s sport or the fact that she is still angry over Sidney’s treatment of Otis, she doesn’t even demand anything in return for her assistance – Charlotte offers to play for one reason only and it is because she cares for Sidney.

Keeping in mind the conversation between Charlotte and Lady Denham in 1x02, the final two examples occur in 1x08. The first example is quite subtle and as a result is often overlooked, however it’s my favourite for a whole bunch of reasons, the top being that Sidney gives Charlotte complete autonomy in determining how their relationship will develop, or if it will develop at all. When Sidney arrives at Trafalgar House with contracts for Tom to sign, he asks Charlotte if she needs anything while he’s in town and Charlotte in turn asks whether she can walk with him as she needs a dress fitting for the midsummer ball. Sounds rather banal, I know. However, what Sidney is actually doing is confirming his declaration of feelings from the night before – he is telling Charlotte that not only do his feelings remain unchanged, but that he is still thinking of her and that he wants to be with her. And he is doing all of this while also allowing Charlotte complete control over what happens next. This scene is one of the many reasons I rail against the argument that Charlotte was passive during the final two episodes, because this moment here, Charlotte’s decision to walk into town with Sidney, is far from passive. Charlotte could have responded that she didn’t need anything, letting Sidney down gently or named something inconsequential to pick up, indicating that she returns his feelings, but needs a little more time. Instead, she asks if she can join him, telling Sidney without words that she loves him and wants to be with him as well. Sidney knows that Charlotte wishes to marry for love, that she is unwilling to trade money and security for a loveless marriage, therefore he also knows that Charlotte indicating that she returns his feelings is far from inconsequential. This moment repeats itself during their walk along the clifftops when Charlotte notes they are not walking into town and Sidney calls himself a fool and offers to head back. Even here he is giving Charlotte a way out. But Charlotte loves him and she tells him she would much rather a walk along the clifftops (“with you” is left unsaid).

The second example is an obvious one, but in the end, it’s really the only moment that counts – Charlotte was going to say yes. Charlotte, who believes marriage without love is its own form of slavery, was about to say yes to Sidney’s marriage proposal before Edward crashed the ball and the whole world went to shit. If that’s not choosing someone, I don’t know what is.

I’ve said this a million times before, but I’ll say it again – we are still in the middle of the story. This isn’t just an opinion, but a fact – comments from Andrew Davies, Kris Marshall and the fact that S2 was even on the table, tells us so. Therefore, I think all those moments you want anon, of Charlotte telling Sidney she is in love with him and vice versa, would have occurred in S2. It would have been a fitting end to both their arcs and I have no doubt that series would have ended with Sidney and Charlotte finally reunited in wedded bliss.

Thanks for the question!

[stahlop]

Once Upon a Time 2x04 “The Crocodile” Review

Reviews 1x01 1x02 1x03 1x04 1x05 1x06 1x07 1x08 1x09 1x10 1x11 1x12 1x13 1x14 1x15 1x16 1x17 1x18 1x19 1x20 1x21 1x22 2x01 2x02 2x03

Hello, I’m back! And back with the episode I’ve been waiting for since this season began. The introduction of one of my favorite characters in this series.  Captain Killian Jones, AKA, Captain Hook. If you’re reading my reviews and haven’t watched the series yet, I’m telling you right now, we will see him again and see him often. I’m pretty sure he was made a series regular before this episode even aired due to test audience reactions. So there you go. Now, on with the review.

Summary: Belle is kidnapped by her father to get her away from Gold. In the Enchanted Forest past, Gold’s wife, Milah, runs away with a pirate captain named Killian Jones, and fatal consequences happen because of it. 

Opening: Captain Hook’s ship

New Characters: 

Killian Jones/Captain Hook: We first see Killian Jones drinking in a tavern with Rumplestiltskin’s wife, Milah. We don’t even get much from him except that he insults Rumplestiltskin right off the bat. The next week Rumplestiltskin goes to confront the pirate captain because he’s been told that they took Milah. Killian is all swagger and confidence, everything Rumplestiltskin isn’t,  while we are still in the very cowardly Rumplestiltskin phase. Now, while Killian does give Rumplestiltskin a rusty sword in which to fight for Milah, he’s openly mocking him. He knows that Rumplestiltskin will not win even if he does fight, but the fact that he doesn’t even attempt to fight for his wife incites one of the best lines, “A man unwilling to fight for what he wants deserves what he gets.” Rumplestiltskin doesn’t even attempt to pick up the sword and cries about what he’s going to tell Bae. Killian tells him to tell the truth, that his father is a coward. I mean, technically he’s correct, but he’s also being a right bastard to a crippled man who just wants to keep his family together. The next time we see Killian, Rumplestiltskin has become the Dark One and Bae has gone through the portal, so we can assume it’s been about 8-9 years, depending on how old Bae was when Milah left. Killian and his crew look to have just left a bar and are at the docs when Rumplestiltskin, disguised as a beggar, bumps into him. Killian calls him out for bad manners and says he looks like a crocodile, and then, in a total dick move, slaps his money tin out of his hand and pushes him down. So much for being honorable. He asks him for his name and Rumplestiltskin reveals himself. Killian immediately recognizes him and the look on his face is pure ‘oh fuck, I’m screwed’, even before he tells him he’s the Dark One. Rumplestiltskin inquires about Milah and Killian really is not a good liar at all when he pretends he doesn’t know who Milah is. Rumplestiltskin makes some quip about digging about in his memories which gets Killian to admit that Milah died a long time ago. Rumplestiltskin wants to finish their duel from years before and tells Killian to get his affairs in order and they’ll duel at dawn. The next morning they meet for the duel. Rumplestiltskin magics Killian’s sword for him to use and gives Killian the rusty sword he’d thrown at Rumplestiltskin at their previous meeting. Killian is obviously a skilled swordsman, if not a bit too flashy with all his twirls and coat swishing, but Rumplestiltskin is the Dark One and a better swordsman. He’s barely even breaking a sweat while Killian is putting his all into it. Rumplestiltskin bests Killian and Killian says he’s prepared to die, but Rumplestiltskin wants him to feel the way he did when he stole Milah from him. Like his heart was ripped from his chest. Oh, so that’s where this is going. I guess Cora and Regina had to learn it from somewhere. He plunges his hand into Killian’s heart and it about to pull it out when Milah tells him to stop! Milah tells her story while Rumplestiltskin keeps putting the pointy end of his sword into Killian’s gut, and Killian keeps telling Milah to run. We find out that Milah and Killian have the magic bean Rumplestiltskin has been trying to procure, so they all go to the ship because Rumplestiltskin wants to see it. Milah shows him the bean but throws it to Killian. Rumplestiltskin and Milah argue, which ends with Milah’s heart getting ripped out and Killian watching helplessly while magically tied to the mast of his ship. Once he gets free he goes to Milah who tells him she loves him, and then dies in his arms as Rumplestiltskin crushes her heart in front of him. Killian tells Rumplestiltskin he’s still a coward. Rumplestiltskin wants the bean. Killian, who is completely heartbroken, tells him he’ll have to kill him first. Rumplestiltskin doesn’t want to do that and cuts off the hand holding the bean instead. He wants Killian to suffer like he did. Killian is very pissed off now. He just had his love and his hand taken away. He stabs Rumplestiltskin with a ship hook that came loose from before, but it barely even phases him. Rumplestiltskin tells him it will take a lot more than that to kill him. Killian swears he’ll find a way. Rumplestiltskin bates him by saying he won’t live long enough to do that and disappears. Which then prompts Killian to grab the hook laying on the ground and that’s about the time you realize we’ve been watching Captain Hook’s origin story. Killian has the bean (because he’d switched hands, thus foiling Rumplestiltskin) and Milah’s body is dumped overboard in a true sailor burial. We find out the man who got the bean for Rumplestiltskin in the first place is Smee, and Killian offers him a place on his ship instead of killing him. The fact that Killian still lets him aboard when all he does is talk back to him is a bit weird, but I’ll let it pass seeing as he just lost his lover and his hand and probably isn’t thinking all too clearly. Smee is upset that his deal with Rumplestiltskin to become young again is now null, but Killian tells him they’re going somewhere they’ll never grow old, which delights Smee. Killian put his hook into some kind of brace that he’s rigged up, throws the bean into the ocean, and tells everyone to hold on because they’re heading to Neverland. 

Now, while Killian Jones was a pretty suave pirate who seemed to enjoy himself, Captain Hook seems to have no sense of humor, at least not when it comes to Cora. He is spying on the area where the safe haven is. Cora tells him she has something that is a start to getting them to Storybrooke (sparkly dirt as Hook refers to it). He’s ready to go skin himself a crocodile.

Milah: She is the very unhappy wife of Rumplestiltskin and Bae’s mother.  We see her drinking it up with pirates in a tavern while Rumplestiltskin tries to get her to leave. She is mean and uncaring toward her husband, wishing he had died in the Ogre Wars and left her a widow instead of making her the wife of the town coward. Bae appears in the tavern and Milah is horrified that she is now looking like a bad mother rather than an unhappy wife. She quickly takes Bae and leaves. Back at their hovel, Rumplestiltskin questions Milah about her wishing he had died in the War. She wishes he’d at least fought. Milah wants to move away to a village where no one knows them and they can start over. Sounds like a good plan if you’re in a place where you’re known as the town coward. Apparently, Rumplestiltskin is too cowardly to even want to start over, which upsets Milah more. He wants her to try and live her best life here in the village, if not for him, then for Bae. Milah tells him she’ll try, but you can tell she does it just to appease him. The next week Rumplestiltskin learns Milah has been taken by pirates. Years later, we find out that Milah is still alive. She was so unhappy in her marriage that she let Rumplestiltskin believe she was taken when she actually ran away because she’d fallen in love with Killian. And then we get to see Milah shine. She brings an injured Killian back to his ship and she commands those men expertly. They listen to her, know she is in charge, no questions asked. She exudes the same confidence we saw in Killian when we first met him. Milah tries to make a deal with Rumplestiltskin, the bean for their lives, but he never actually takes it. He makes it sound like he forgives her for leaving, but then asks how she could leave Bae. She says she was a coward, she knows that, but she was so unhappy that it didn’t matter. Rumplestiltskin wants to know why she was so unhappy, and she practically screams in his face that she never loved him. Not the right move at all. At this outburst, Rumplestiltskin grabs Milah’s heart from her chest and then proceeds to crush it after she tells Killian she loves him. Bye bye Milah. Now, Milah may seem heartless (pun intended) with her treatment of Rumplestiltskin and leaving her child, but she was miserable. I also don’t believe she never loved Rumplestiltskin. She must have at least liked him at one point. They were peasants, they really didn’t need to marry for money, and I can’t imagine that Milah was somehow arranged into a marriage with him. She was a beautiful woman, it seems she could have had her pick when she was younger. Plus, she bore Rumplestiltskin a child, and considering he doesn’t seem the type to take a woman against her will, she willingly conceived a child with him. So she either liked/loved him at some point, or she only wanted a child to feel loved, which obviously didn’t work. And I’m also a strong believer in not staying in a marriage where you’re not happy. Unfortunately, for Milah, it ended in disastrous consequences.

Smee: I’ll say this much for both Past and Present Smee, he is not afraid to go after what he wants. In the past he seeks out Rumplestiltskin to barter for the magic bean. He knows all about the Dark One’s past and about what happened to Bae and knows Rumplestiltskin wants a bean to find him. Smee wants eternal life but Rumplestiltskin says he can’t do that, but does promise to make him a child again so he can live longer. Smee’s cool with that, but Rumplestiltskin does warn him that if the deal doesn’t pan out, he’ll speed up the clock and turn him into dust. Guess Smee should be turning into dust soon since that deal did not work out. He is captured by Milah and Killian so that they can make a deal with the Dark One. After everything that happens, Smee demands Killian give him back the bean (he’s got some balls on him), but Killian puts him in his place, basically tells him he can join his crew or die. Smee wants to know how that’s fair because he was going to get eternal life (no, you agreed on becoming younger) and now he’s going to be scrubbing blood off the decks. Killian tells him that they’re going to a land where they won’t grow old and Smee is cool with that.

When we first meet Smee in Storybrooke, he seems like he might be homeless, as he’s asking Belle for money. But it turns out he just wants to kidnap her. He’s working for her father, Moe. It seems, Smee still isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, because when Belle doesn’t do what Moe wants, he enlists Smee to send her out into the mines so she loses her memories when crossing the town line. He is later captured by Gold who wants to know where Hook is. Smee tells him that he didn’t come over in the curse.

Character Observations:

Rumplestiltskin/Gold: We start with coward Rumplestiltskin. He comes home to find a young Bae (probably around 6 or 7) home alone. They go to find Milah. She is at the bar and she belittles him the entire time he tries to get her to come home. It is only when Bae enters that she willingly goes home. Rumplestiltskin talks to Milah about how she would have rather he died in the Ogre Wars. She just wish he would’ve fought. She brings up moving away but Rumplestiltskin is too much of a coward to start over. He’d rather stay where he is familiar even if it’s bad for him and his family. The next week a neighbor lets him know that Milah’s been taken by pirates. He goes to get her back but is too much of a coward to fight Killian the pirate captain. Hell, Killian even encourages him to fight by telling him he’ll deserve what he gets if he doesn’t fight, but, alas, Rumplestiltskin just can’t do it and just stands there crying. When he asks what he’s supposed to tell his son, Killian rightly tells him to tell the truth, that his father was a coward and wouldn’t fight for his mother. Robert Carlyle is amazing in this whole scene. Seeing how whimsical he is as the Dark One and how evil he is as Gold, seeing him play such a cowardly character (much cowardly than we’ve seen previously) is a delight. It is 8-9 years later when Rumplestiltskin and Captain Killian Jones cross paths again, and Rumplestiltskin is now the Dark One. He puts the fear of the gods into Killian when he realizes what has happened to Milah’s husband. Rumplestiltskin asks what happened to Milah and Killian says she died a long time ago. You can see that Rumplestiltskin is upset by this. He probably hoped to rescue Milah after all these years now that he had the power to do so. He attempts to take Killian’s heart so he knows what he felt like when Killian took Milah all those years ago, but is stopped by Milah herself, who is very much alive. Turns out she wasn’t taken, but fell in love with Killian and all his travelling stories. She didn’t mean for it to turn out the way it did. You can tell Rumplestiltskin is shaken by all this. Here he’d believed his wife had been taken against her will and maybe he’d be a hero now, but it turns out she left him to be with someone else. Rumplestiltskin keeps referring to Killian as Milah’s true love (and in the style of the clergyman from The Princess Bride) and keeps pushing his sword into him. Milah tells him she has the bean he’s looking for and wants to strike a deal. The bean for their lives. Rumplestiltskin says he wants to see the bean first. They go to the ship where they show him the bean. Milah wants to know if they have a deal. Rumplestiltskin asks if she really wants to know if he forgives her. He says he can see she’s truly (twuly) in love. She takes this to mean they have a deal. Except Rumplestiltskin wants to know how she could have left Bae. And once again we have a scene where Rumplestiltskin is using his guilt about something that happened to him while arguing with someone else. He accuses her of leaving Bae, or abandoning him. Both things he did. Rigging is flying everywhere, and Milah is trying to fix the situation, but eventually Rumplestiltskin wants to know why she was so unhappy. She tells him she never loved him and that’s the last straw. Rumplestiltskin tears out her heart and magically ties Killian to a mast so he can’t intervene. Killian manages to get himself free and Rumplestiltskin crushes her heart after Milah tells Killian she loves him. He wants the magic bean but Killian says he’ll have to kill him first. Rumplestiltskin opts to cut off his hand (that’s holding the bean) instead. He wants him alive so he can suffer like he did. Killian stabs him with a hook, but Rumplestiltskin just laughs and says it will take a lot more than that to kill him. Killian vows to find a way. Rumplestiltskin thinks he won’t live long enough to try. But Killian bested Rumplestiltskin after all, because when he goes to get the bean out of the hand, it’s not there. Rumplestiltskin throws a fit, per usual.

Meanwhile, Gold is not doing to well proving himself worthy of Belle. He’s weaving some straw into gold in the basement and Belle confronts him about it. He plays it off as if it’s nothing, but she’s not buying it. She tells him he doesn’t need power, just courage. He goes to her room a little bit later to get her to eat something, but she’s not there, but her window is open. Did she seriously jump out the window to get away from him? She’s on the second floor! Gold goes to see Moe to see if she went to her father. Moe has nothing but bad things to say about Gold, but he hasn’t seen Belle. Gold goes to David to help him find Belle. David figures out that this is the woman he told him he’d loved back in the EF. David thought she was dead. Gold thought she was. David wants to know if maybe she ran away. Gold admits that could be the case, but David is in the same situation he is in missing his loved ones, so David agrees to help, reluctantly. Gold and David go to see Ruby who first lies that she hasn’t seen Belle, but then sends them in the direction of the library. Ruby gives Gold the sweater Belle left behind and Gold says he gave it to her because she was cold. Ruby sees that Gold actually cares and helps by using her wolf sense of smell of track her, but they lose her at Game of Thorns. Moe says that Belle is safe but Gold pleads with him to let him talk to her. Moe tells them all that he has to make Belle forget him and Gold figures out he’s sending Belle over the town line. Gold attacks Moe to make him talk, but David sees mine dust on his hand and figures out they’re sending her out through the mine tunnels as they go under the town line. Gold, David, and Ruby get down there in time for Gold to magic Belle’s mine cart back before it goes past the town line. He hugs her, but Belle still thinks Gold is too cowardly for her to go back with him. Belle doesn’t want to see him or her father again. Gold at least looks upset by this turn of events. Gold gives Belle the key to the library (through Ruby). He also lets her know there’s an apartment attached she can live in. He finally admits that she’s right about him. He’s a coward. He collected power and he ended up losing his son. He dedicated himself to finding him and discovered the curse that could bring him here. And then he waited for the curse to be broken. Belle is confused because instead of going to look for Bae immediately, he brought magic to town. Gold admits it’s a crutch. And now he can’t even leave to look for him because he’ll lose his memories. This of course elicits emotions from Belle. Gold says all magic comes with a price and he was using magic in the basement to try and break whatever curse is on the town line. But he also doesn’t want to lose her again. But he walks away because that’s what she wants. Which of course is the quickest way for Belle to decide to invite Gold to have a burger with her at some point. And the look on Gold’s face is so genuinely happy, which makes it all that much worse when we see Smee tied up in his basement. Except he doesn’t care about him kidnapping Belle. No, he’s more interested in where Captain Hook is. Ugh! Gold is great at emotionally manipulating people, and that’s what he’s doing with Belle. It makes me sick.

Belle: Unlike Belle from the cartoon version of Beauty and the Beast, this version of Belle is a bit naive. She’s now been in this world for, what, a week or two, and she’s already already dumped Gold because he’s obsessed with power, but then comes back because he’s a monster and she needs to change him. In this episode she gets mad, again, because she sees him using magic and she doesn’t want him to. Honey, he’s not going to change, either deal with it or move on. She decides to move on for the moment. She heads to Granny’s where Ruby notices her penchant for Iced Tea. Belle’s never had it iced and she’s quite enamored with it. Ruby offers to let her stay at Granny’s while she gets on her feet. She also tells her about the library since Belle likes books. Belle goes to look at the library but it’s still locked and boarded up. While looking, she manages to get kidnapped by Smee because of her trusting nature. Luckily, Smee is working for Belle’s father, but he thinks he’s saving her from Gold because she hasn’t come to see him since the curse broke. He figured Gold was holding her captive. Belle tells him that she chose to be with Gold. Moe asks if she loves him. She does, but she’s pretty sure it’s over now. Her father wants her to say she won’t be in love with him anymore. Um, that’s not how that works. Belle tells her father she’s not a child, so he enlists Smee to kidnap her again. Ugh! Belle’s father is the worst. Smee takes Belle to the mines and handcuffs her to a mine cart and lets it go, but he does give her the handy tip that the key to the cuffs is at the bottom of the cart. Unfortunately, she loses the key while trying to unlock herself because she’s going at least 30 mph. Luckily, Gold saves her before she goes past the town line, and while she’s grateful, that doesn’t change her feelings about Gold and his magic use. Moe takes this to mean Belle will come back with him, but she’s pissed at him for trying to take her memories away. She wants both of them to stay away from her. Which lasts about a day, because Ruby gives her the key to the library which is from Gold. He talks to her, gives her his sad speech about magic as a crutch, wanting to find Bae, and being stuck in this town. This makes Belle emotional and feeling things for him again and she asks him out on a date to eat hamburgers. Insert eye roll here.

David: We don’t have a ton of David here, but he has taken on temporary sheriff duties until Emma gets back. He’s basically in a weird buddy cop movie with Gold. He tries to give Gold advice on how to be honest with Belle if he wants their relationship to work, because that’s how he and Mary Margaret keep their love alive. He also does a terrible job at being sheriff because he doesn’t even arrest Smee or Moe for kidnapping Belle. Seriously, Moe should have been in jail the minute he found mine dust on him.

Questions:

What exactly happened to Rumplestiltskin during the Ogre War?  We know he went, we know he has a limp, but Milah says he didn’t fight.

Where are the dwarves real pickaxes?

Why is everyone else in Storybrooke wearing fall/winter attire, and Belle is walking around in sleeveless shirts, tiny skirts, and sky high heels? It’s like the costumer designer decided she needed to have a sexy librarian look.

What was Moe’s plan? Let Belle go in the mines until her cart stopped on its own or crashed and then hope she gets out of the handcuffs and comes wandering back to town?

How did Killian and Milah know that Smee was working for Rumplestiltskin and that Rumplestiltskin wanted the magic bean?

Did Milah know the rumors about Bae? Did she know he was gone? She never asks about him even when Rumplestiltskin lays into her for leaving.

Why do most people act like they’re dying the second their heart is out of their bodies? We’ve seen that as long as it’s not crushed they can still live.

Did Rumplestiltskin’s sword have magical properties when cutting off Killian’s hand? There was no blood, and he wasn’t in much pain. Plus he put the hook apparatus on without any problems.

Why is the portal in the water so much bigger? It’s not like it knows it’s going to need to accommodate a huge ship.

How do the portals work? Bae’s supposedly took him to a place without magic. Killian’s is taking his to Neverland. Do you just think where you want to go and it takes you there?

Why didn’t Hook come over in the curse? Was he in the area with Cora and the people of the Safe Haven, or was he on his ship and somehow just not taken?

Observations:

There are sketches around Rumplestiltskin and Milah’s hovel. One of them is an artist.

Killian considers himself an honorable man and lives by a code.

The dwarves (and David) are hoping to find fairy dust in the mines below town.

There are rumors about why Rumplestiltskin became the Dark One and how he lost his son.

Rumplestiltskin told Bae his mother died, which at the time was a lie, but becomes true later when he kills her.

Rumplestiltskin has previously got his feelings out about himself while arguing with someone else in Skin Deep (talking to the Evil Queen through the mirror and beating up Moe about Belle being dead).

Killian does not tell Milah he loves her back when she is dying.

Killian’s left hand was cut off.

Killian already has heard of Neverland prior to becoming Captain Hook.

Once Upon a Time Firsts:

Introduction of Captain Killian Jones aka Captain Hook

Captain Hook referring to Rumplestiltskin as Crocodile

Names:

Killian is Gaelic for church. I don’t see Killian being much of a religious man, so it was probably just a name the writers liked.

Milah is from elements that mean gracious, dear. Milah was definitely not gracious for her life.

I am looking forward to more Captain Hook and seeing how he interacts with our Land Without Magic characters. We had no Emma or Mary Margaret this week, but I’m sure we’ll see them soon. It was great seeing more of Rumplestiltskin’s backstory and how he is the Crocodile in Captain Hook’s storyline. He’s also been the Fairy Godmother for Cinderella and the Beast for Belle. It’s interesting to see how he intersects with all these other fairy tales. Belle needs to get away from Gold stat! This is such an abusive relationship. Gold keeps saying he’s going to change, Belle believes him, he doesn’t change, she gets mad and leaves, rinse, lather, and repeat.

Please leave comments and reblog! Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future reviews.

@searchingwardrobes​ @thisonesatellite​ @justbecauseyoubelievesomething​ @laschatzi​ @profdanglaisstuff @mariakov81

[debbiewilder]

top 5 debbie/ruth moments?

oh tough because first of all every moment between them is my favorite, but here’s what I’m feeling tonight, in no particular order.

1)

that entire fight scene at the hospital in 2x07. the whole series was building there, to them finally communicating more honestly, and it was just such a powerful, cathartic scene between the two of them.

this is cheating but I'm also counting a later moment as part of #1 because reasons

i love that moment when debbie comes back later in the ep with ruth’s clothes and asks to sign ruth’s cast but is so nervous and vulnerable she can’t even say the word sign she just says “can i s....” and just looks at ruth the whole time that she’s taking the pen from bash and waits for the okay. they can never really apologize to each other, ruth doesn't apologize for having sex w mark and debbie only apologizes in sharpie from the leg break but you just see how deeply they understand each other here and how at the end of the day they always come back to each other and take each other back (just like sheila’s parents bc ruth and debbie are paralleled to married people jeez GLOW yeah you can go ahead and parallel them to more married couples I’m fine with that thx)

2)

the whole 3x10 airport scene. throughout the series, debbie shows how deeply she cares about ruth but it’s rly always under the guise of it being about wrestling or this or that. finally in that airport moment, debbie’s basically saying “hey i care about you and i finally want you to really see that and I choose you because I want the best for you and i want the best for me and the best for me is with you..” (or something) and there’s just something incredibly powerful about the way the series builds to that moment too. 

i also find it so interesting how they once again discuss happiness and how much the meaning of that one word has shifted over the series (they also discuss happiness in their scenes in 1x01, 2x07, 2x10, and prob other times i’ve forgotten). 

also i love the hug, i mean we were waiting for it to happen again since the pilot. 

i love that we finally get to see that ruth isn’t going to passively take what others give her. (we know she’ll find her way back to debbie in the end, she always does).

and ruth saying that debbie understands ruth more than anyone?!! this scene  did that. i mean, we knew this in subtext, but this season took so much in subtext and made it text, and it all felt so earned. also the fact that Debbie says to Tex earlier in the ep that she could never say to Ruth what she legit ends up saying to Ruth in the end of the ep about Ruth’s acting...I...that’s so interesting. Like, yeah, Debbie truly does understand Ruth better than anyone, that is for sure. She legit predicted that Ruth’d say no here but was too excited and hopeful to think otherwise.

also debbie eagan who doesn’t like to be vulnerable w ppl or give up her power/control EVER, who has said stuff like i never want to see you again to ruth in the pilot, who said in 1x03 she’d throw ruth out a window if ruth talked to her again, legit running after ruth in an airport? invented romance, invented growth. what a dumbass, i love them both.

3)

1x04 pool scene. debbie can’t be in the same building w her husband but moments later chooses to stay for however long in silence w ruth...uh yeahh just the best. she has to act like she hates ruth because she knows that she shouldn’t care about ruth any more and she feels so powerless since her whole identity as housewife has been shattered that her hatred gives her a sense of control and power in ways, but in moments like these when she doesn’t have to act and have a mask on to protect herself because no one is watching, you see how much she cares and what ruth means to her. 

i love so much about this scene, the way silence and sound are used and it feels so intimate. i love the pool in between them, showing the gaping emotional distance between them.

it’s also such a contrast to those scenes w Mark who is always imposing on debbie what he wants at his pace rather than hers like therapeutic leans and wanting to sleep in their house but w ruth, debbie gets to choose the speed to which they come back together and is willing to be whatever debbie wants and takes debbie (her pain, her career, her as a person) seriously, so they actually get a chance to heal while debbie and mark fall apart in the end...yeahh

4)

1x09 that scene where debbie says what wrestling means to her and how she feels like a superhero (which becomes something they come back to again and again in the series) and you can tell ruth and debbie are still so fucked up but you can also see how deeply they need each other. 

like they’re so playful in the start of the convo?? and in the end can’t help but have an honest conversation even though they shouldn’t, even though ruth has hurt debbie so much, she can’t help but open up to ruth. and ruth thinks debbie’s going to abandon ruth (and GLOW) for mark, can’t seem to hear what debbie’s saying bc of insecurity (Debbie really just needs advice about what to do with Mark because she has no one else to talk to but Ruth can’t hear that), and it’s just such a perfect scene filled with miscommunication and need and the epicness of Debbie’s description of wrestling and the epicness of how Ruth listens with such intense longing and love and she’s just so proud of Debbie too and then that painful discovery “Sometimes I'm so sad you took away the option of us ever being able to have a normal fucking conversation.” I think we see both ruth and debbie’s insecurities and fears here in a lot of ways throughout this scene but also we see their connection and how they listen to each other and need each other...also omg they look at each other with soooo much love and longing jfc especially before Ruth looks away and she cuts herself off from speaking...it’s insane.....yeah i love this scene.

oh also the look of brief horror as ruth arrives at a lone debbie at the beginning of the scene, which I screenshotted above, where she realizes she’s stopped at debbie’s side and her face just screams, “oh nooo oh goddd!!” incredible. and the doorway thingy that visually separates them which happens a lot in the series, there are a lot of visual separations to go with their emotional distance. 

anyway, they’re testing the waters here. they’ve opened up to each other while wrestling because wrestling requires trust and communication, and this scene gives them an opportunity to test the waters with each other outside of that.  

5)

I think my favorite episode of the entire series is 1x07. In terms of favorite moment from that ep, it’d prob be the part where ruth and debbie describe what they want from wrestling. debbie says she wants to fly (again goes back to the superhero thing and i love the callback that occurs in 1x10 bc ruth pays attention to debbie’s wants here and says “you flew” at the end of their match in the finale). ruth says she wants the whole room to boo her, such a change over a few eps, the people pleaser who wants to be booed bc she just wants to make herself look bad to try and heal things w debbie and starts to find freedom and power in playing the bad guy. 

And the two are soo in sync as Carmen’s brothers show Ruth and Debbie various moves. Like they have the same reaction the whole time and confer with each other and it’s so cute?? And Debbie gets so excited as she sees something she wants to do and Ruth is so excited for her: “That. I want to do that.”

Like, ruth is just so excited to see how debbie’s grown and how empowered debbie has become because of wrestling. Adorable. and it’s super cute to see how ruth looks at debbie throughout the scene and just tries to be there for debbie. And, how much debbie trusts ruth with her body and safety and they just learn to communicate and explore what they want from their bodies together (such a difference from that 1x01 exercise scene where they’re all doing the same boring moves). like i love how empowering that scene is for them as individuals and together ok. 

Like, Ruth is Debbie’s #1 fan just look at her lil face in the screenshots above. She looks at her like that the whole episode. I just...

[buildinggsr]

The Blacklist, the most comprehensive collection of my favorite movies&tv series

It’s not unusual to see actors that played a role in some show you liked playing a role in some other show. But. I never experienced something like with The Blacklist. In it I found so many links to other shows that I love, that I felt the need to make a list of them, because I find it unbelievable. Hope to update the list with season seven! You can read the list after the break - and tell me your links, if you have and  want. ;) Enjoy!

[Several episodes] CSI actors/extra CSI is the first of my favorite shows, the reason for which I started this blog, actually. Many actors of that show joined the cast of TBL. The first that I can remember was, I think, Tom Noonan (in TBL played Stanley R. Kornish, the Stewmaker, in 1x04, while in CSI he played Zephyr in Abracaver 3x05). I made a post on him [here]. He also played a role in X-Files, another one of my favorite shows. Another actors/extra that comes to mind, is Lee Tergesen (in TBL he played the husband of Red’s formed wife in Lord Baltimore 2x01, while in CSI he played the father of a kid who killed his little brother in Compulsion 5x17). BUT, the most important is CSI’s Super Dave, aka David Berman who has his first appearance in TBL in episode The Pharmacis 6x03, and he also acts a super-link-to-CSI scene in General Shiro 6x07, when Ressler asks him if he knows any entomologist [I made a post about that here].

[1x02] First appearance of Parminder Nagra {playing Meera Malik} This post by @addictedtostorytelling showed me that she was also in ER, which I followed for some years, and I have good memories of me and my mom watching and talking about it. 

[1x06]  Symphony No. 7, Mov. II - Beehoven  {Music in background during the chat between Reddington and Ruddigger} This music piece is an important part of one great Italian tv show that I love, La Porta Rossa. In that show this music is used a background music of the final monologues of every episode. You can listen to it here.

[1x07]  Robert Sean Leonard {playing Frederick Barnes} He played Count Claudio in the movie Much Ado About Nothing, my second favorite movie of all times. I think I’ve watched it at least 10-15 times.

[1x15] Max Hastings {the Federal Prosecutor who disappeared 12 years earlier found stumbling along a rural Pennsylvania road at the beginning of the episode} There is just one and only Hastings in my life: the one in David Suchet’s Poirot

[1x16] Berlin is mentioned for the first time. Do I have to say it? There’s just one and only Berlin in my life: the one in Money Heist (La cas de papel - La casa di carta) + Cello Song - The Books Feat. Jose Gonzalez (Cover of Nick Drake) I mean, it’s Nick Drake, for God’s sake. It remembers me my high school so much...

[2x01] Mary-Louise Parker {playing Reddington’s former wife Carla Reddington} She played Ruth Jamison in Fried Green Tomatoes, my very favorite film EVER. Oh, damn, I love that movie! But it’s also so sad, and so I just watched it only 3 or 4 times (but I read the book, though!)

[2x14] First appearance of Lance Henrikson {playing the Major} This is a “distant link” to a show I loved. Lance Henrikson played the main character in the show Millennium, which was created by Chris Carter who is more known as the creator of X-Files. How much I shipped Mulder and Scully at the time!

[3x15] Chris Chalk {playing John Addison} He played Gary Cooper in The Newsroom. [Is Gary Cooper his real name? ~ Rebecca Halliday] There are no words to explain how beautiful, entertaining, intelligent and dramatic The Newsroom is. (And Jeff Daniels is superb in it!)

[4x06] Aram tells Samar that he and his girlfriend binge-watch Stranger Things. It’s Stranger Things. There’s nothing I can add to this.

[4x12] Daniel Davis {playing Baldur Magnusson} To see Niles from The Nanny on TBL was the weirdest thing I have ever seen!

[6x17] John Cullum {playing Ted King, married to Katarina’s mother Virginia} I could not believe my eyes when I saw him talking to Ressler: Holling from Northern Exposure! After seeing him on TBL I started a rewatch of NX from season 1.

[ralfstrashcan]

I call bs on that Downworlders-appealing-not-serious-Statement from Izzy in 3x06

Here's why.

Warning: Contains extended talk about how sex is referenced on the Show, so probably nsfw? But nothing graphic.

“I think the reason why I find Downworlders appealing is because those issues prevent things from ever getting too serious.”

Without context this statement can be interpreted two ways:

1) She is secretly scared of a committed and serious relationship and so just dates Downworlders so she doesn't have to worry about things getting to intense.

2) She isn't interested in a committed and serious relationship and Downworlders are the easiest way to have some kind of relation where both parties are aware that it's not going to go anywhere serious, so she doesn't have to deal with the fact that her partner gets overly invested which would lead to complications and possibly hurt feelings.

I honestly don't believe it's 1) because Izzy isn't the person to get scared of anything that affects her herself (meaning she'd of course be scared of her siblings dying a horrible death, etc.) She is incredibly courageous and one of the strongest characters on the Show, she is brimming with self-confidence and in contrast to Jace's it's 100% genuine and not to cover up some complex and twisted self-esteem and self-image issues. She is passionate, in fact her passion is probably her most defining character trait. So to think that she's scared of a committed relationship is just odd. Also, taking her relationship with Meliorn into account, it was clearly not going anywhere serious, but she obviously cared for him (and he cared for her) so if she was scared of any kind of commitment and her goal was to avoid getting feelings involved and eventually hurt (which is exactly what happened in S1), that wasn't a success, and she must have known that even before it all fell apart. Did she seem overly concerned during her affair with Meliorn, angsting over her attachment to him? No.

Whether you go with option 1) or 2), they both imply that Downworlders are the easiest (if not the only) source to access casual relationships / hook ups. And that's simply not true.

Let's take a look at the Shadowhunters' sex life. There's not overly much to go on, but there is enough.

- Alec: Zero sex life before Magnus, though that has probably to do with him not being outed and homosexuality being extremely frowned upon, so he's not really representative. He does check out Jace and some other Shadowhunter Dude in 1x12 though, so there's that.

- Jace: We see Jace rolling around in bed with Kaelie once and out on a date / friendly evening with four Seelies (both in 2x07). Besides that he states in 3x02 that he's been with tons of people (and it was never serious). So, a promiscuous Shadowhunter with loads of no strings attached sex.

- Lydia: Lydia's been engaged to John, and after he tragically died (RIP John, I so ship you with Lydia in any and all AUs) she decided that “in this line of work, the only thing worth falling in love with is the work itself” as she tells Alec in 1x08. There's nothing known about her sex life, but she was willing to marry Alec, knowing that nothing would ever happen between them, so she was either expecting him to be fine with her having an affair on the side or she was okay with the prospect of never (again?) having sex in her life. Of course she was probably still mourning her love and also she's incredibly ambitious and wanted that Institute no matter what, so I think the fact that she didn't prioritize sex in her life plan doesn't necessarily mean she's generally not that interested in having sex or that the society she lives in would condemn a sexually active person.

- Raj: Yeah, it pains me to even think about that, too. Whatever, for Science! In 2x04 he mentioned (talking about a corpse with its heart torn out, srsly, that guy) “I thought I was having a rough weekend. [...] I'm just saying, I've been in his shoes before. Except my demon's name was Kathy.” so he clearly had some relation with that Kathy person that ended in a broken heart (or bruised pride) for him. Also, considering that Raj is pretty racist towards Downworlders and dating Mundanes is forbidden I think it's pretty likely that Kathy is a Shadowhunter as well. In 2x08, which doesn't take place too terribly long after 2x04 he claimed to have been “this close to lining up a three way.” Disregarding the fact that I find it hard to believe he'd find one person willing to get with him, let alone two (sorry, I just hate him and his douche-y attitude and I can't imagine you wouldn't notice those after 3 seconds of talking to him and would be instantly turned off) wasn't that at Max's Rune Ceremony Party? Where there were exclusively Shadowhunters invited, hosting warlock excluded? So this indicates that a) after a short amount of time after a failed relationship / whatever he was open for a sexual adventure and b) Shadowhunters participate in threesomes, something that you probably wouldn't easily and openly mention in a reticent society.

- HELL EVEN ALDERTREE admitted to having dated a Downworlder and was also hitting on Izzy, which, considering she's younger than him and his subordinate should be frowned upon in an uptight society.

- Aline: In 2x15 it is mentioned that she was secretly seeing a girl named Carolyn and since they were in Alicante this Carolyn is most likely a fellow Shadowhunter. Also since that relationship is talked about in past tense it has probably ended. So she has a dating life.

- And then there's Izzy herself, of course. On-Screen she's only ever been in a relationship with Meliorn, but in 1x06 Maryse declines her offer to marry in Alec's place, saying “You can't do this. You and your Downworlders have seen to that.” referring to the tons of affairs with Downworlders Izzy has had. Not to mention Izzy's comment about jewels in 1x04. There's also the fact that she openly hit on Simon in 1x02 and when Alec rolled his eyes she commented “It passes the time.” Whether she meant flirting or the resulting possible hook up is anyone's guess, but I don't think I'm seeing things when I say it could very well be both... considering she and Alec both talked about Simon as 'it' in that scene (which, rude). So long story short, Izzy too has an active sex life.

Of course dating and casual hook ups isn't the same, but. Since of all known Shadowhunters there are apparently several with an active sex drive and associating with Downworlders is pretty frowned upon, associating with Mundanes is absolutely unacceptable because they can't know about the Shadow World and at least dating is apparently no problem between Shadowhunters, I find it pretty reasonable to assume that hook ups between Shadowhunters are fine as well.

(Taking into account that “Nephilim love once, fiercely” it would make it even more logical that everything that's not True Love is casual, thus making it even more plausible that not-serious relationships between Shadowhunters aren't uncommon. I'm personally not a fan of that line (see here somewhere at the end if you're interested) but the line is canon and therefore deserves consideration.)

Conclusion: Downworlders aren't the only source for casual hook ups.

This, of course, brings up the question why Izzy would choose to hook up with Downworlders at all if she could bed other Shadowhunters just as easily, without commitment being an issue, especially because associating with Downworlders kinda ruins your reputation. When Maryse explains in 1x06 why Izzy can't take over marrying for Alec she says “You can't do this. You and your Downworlders have seen to that. You can't possibly attract the caliber of husband who could help us restore the honor to our family name.”

Of course Izzy is rebellious and doesn't care what other people think of her, but she's not stupid. She knows that falling out of favor with the Clave can have serious consequences and upholding the Lightwood Image is important, a calculated move, a leverage, an insurance. So why would she do it anyway, if it's not out of necessity?

Because it's political. She is very pro-Downworlder from the start, she's interested in their ways of life (that butterfly thing in 1x05) and she's against the narrow-minded, racist ways most Shadowhunters display. This explains why she is simultaneously more interested in Downworlders and less interested in Shadowhunters.

To claim that Izzy just dates Downworlders because it's easier (or because she's scared, which, again, pffffff) takes that whole political and revolutionary aim out of her character and that's just reducing this action to something self-oriented instead of something she does with the awareness that it sends a certain signal to Shadowhunters of her and the older generation. It's really not called for, contradicts canon in my eyes or at least doesn't really make sense, and I really don't like it.

Also, just something to think about while we're talking about Izzy's sex life, more specifically all her alleged Downworlder Conquests.

- Vampires: The fact that she asked Raphael in 2x10 if being a Vampire has made him uninterested in sex implies that she doesn't know being a Vampire doesn't necessarily equal no interest in sex, so she probably never hooked up with a vampire.

- Warlocks: Remember that flashback from 2x18 when Magnus said he'd loose all his street cred if his people found out he “let a Shadowhunter spend the night”? And we're talking about spending the night at his home, not sleeping together. Makes it sound as if Warlocks kinda hate Shadowhunters and want nothing to do with them. So it's probably not Warlocks either.

- Werewolves: Before Luke became the Alpha I got some seriously Anti-Shadowhunter-Vibes from the pack as well (still do, honestly, but because of Luke the pack mostly behaves) so I find it hard to imagine any of those wolves would be willing to hook up with a Shadowhunter. Then again, Maia hooked up with Jace and she doesn't really like him. Then again, this could be a Maia-thing.

- Seelies: Can we talk about the fact that Seelies are like the Sex Tourists of the Downworld? They seem to only leave the Seelie Realm to get their mack on. Anyway, I clearly remember that one Scene in 1x03 where this dialogue happens

Alec: Downwolders are slaves to their impulses.

which, to me at least, implies that Izzy first and foremost mingles with Seelies. This dialogue could of course be because she was with Meliorn at the time, but consider that while Alec had to marry, Izzy was declared the one and only Shadowhunter with “ties to the Seelies” who could possibly convince the Clave that the Seelies aren't on Valentine's side. If Meliorn was just the latest of her flings who happened to be a Seelie I don't think that would make a good enough argument with the Clave; also why wasn't Jace also considered a Shadowhunter with ties to the Seelies? Because I don't believe that Kaelie was the first ever Seelie Jace has been with.

- Mundanes: First off, Mundanes aren't Downworlders, so there is that. Secondly I honestly doubt she has a dating / sex / whatever history with Mundanes because the way she says “Shadowhunters don't date Mundanes” in 3x04 sounds to me as if Charlie is the first Mundane she interacted with. It makes sense, because Mundanes aren't allowed to know about the Shadow World. (Simon in 1x02 was an exception because he was already involved in Shadow World business.)

Of course talking about “Seelies” or “Seelies and the occasional Werewolf” instead of “Downworlders” in that Scene mentioned at the beginning doesn't have the same nice ring to it, so I get why it was scripted that way. Still. Ugh.

[qqueenofhades]

hey hilary! just.. a random question, what are your favourite SS Deckerstar scenes/quotes? :) love you lots! xx

Um.... does “all of them” count? Heh.

Okay, first obviously them meeting in the pilot, and him being a total idiot and her being totally unimpressed. EXCEPT THEN OH NO SHE GETS SHOT, he’s over her taking six bullets for her and pissed off enough to unleash the Devil face, after promising not to let her die, and then she wakes up in the hospital and he’s just sitting there staring at her dorkily and making dumb cracks about her being asleep for three years and she’s just like “you’re such an ass” AND THEY HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR LIKE TWO DAYS AND HAVE SOMEHOW ALREADY BEEN MARRIED FOR TEN YEARS? I mean you would totally think that Lucifer was Chloe’s husband sitting by her in the hospital waiting for her to be okay, and he lifts Trixie on the bed with her and it’s all incredibly shippy already and just yes.

Obviously 1x04 and the scene with him being like !!!genius move to seduce her!!! be naked!!! she cannot resist my form!!! and then her going from total shock to concern when she sees his wing scars, and then she tries to touch them, and he nopes out of there super fast because Lucifer is an idiot, so yes.

And also the 1x04 “I will never lie to you” scene in the car, where he asks her if she’s afraid of him and she says she’s not. She also admits that despite everything, she really likes working with him and doesn’t want to arrest him when he inevitably turns out to be a criminal. That’s the first time they both really let down their walls and open up to each other a little.

Then 1x06 when she wants to see what’s in the shipping container and the “you’d never lie to me, right?” and the “have fun with your dolls” and the little elbow touch. I don’t know why it just gets me.

The scene at the end of 1x08 with them flirting hardcore and both refusing to admit that the case they just dealt with (the woman you loved was with someone who you felt wasn’t worthy of her, etc) was anything like their own situation. Masters of Denial, that is them.

BASICALLY ALL OF 1X09 BECAUSE THAT EPISODE WILL NEVER NOT DESTROY ME. Her begging him not to kill Father Frank’s murderer and that being the only thing that gets through to him, and then of course THE PIANO SCENE OF DEATH and the total glazed stunned look on his face as he sees her and cannot understand why she’s there for him. I was pretty into the ship already on my first watch, but that was the one scene that absolutely BROKE ME and made the selling of my soul official. I actually whimpered out loud and clawed my face the entire time I was watching it.

The end of 1x10 with her turning up drunk after the Malcolm-sent breakup text, and him refusing to sleep with her because of it, and her falling asleep cuddled into him and he realizes how COMPLETELY FUCKED HE IS and looks up and says, “Oh god.”

The end of 1x12/start of 1x13 with her being worried when she finds him hurt, and then thinking she’ll have to arrest him for killing the preacher dude, and “that’s all that matters, Detective” and him being ready to go back to hell because there is no reason to stay on earth if she doesn’t believe him.

AND OBVIOUSLY THE WHOLE SCENE IN THE HANGAR AND “DAD... IF YOU’RE LISTENING... I NEED A FAVOR” BECAUSE WOW WHO WAS READY FOR THAT, I WAS NOT READY FOR THAT, I’M NOT READY FOR IT NOW EVEN KNOWING 2X13 IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE EVEN WORSE

2x01 when Chloe shows up to Tase the middle-aged housewife who is currently strangling Lucifer with a poker, and he Tases her a little extra, and Chloe facepalms. Because it is their entire relationship in a nutshell.

2x02 when Mom’s like “looks like she can handle quite a bit” when Chloe is arresting Shady Peyton Manning, and Lucifer’s like “yes uh-huh” and gazes at her with the biggest shiny heart eyes ever

2x03 when they’re going in to rescue the lady from the dude with the gasoline cans, and Lucifer is so on top of her/covering her with his body that you literally cannot see her when you look at them from the back.

2x04 and drunk!Chloe being unable to shut.the.fuck.up about Lucifer.

2x05 when Chloe says after the car accident that she told him before, and in the hospital, at least several times, that it was an accident. So she was hurt and the hospital called Lucifer and he ran over and was terrified and this basically gives me a lot of feelings. And him saying it is opposite day and her being like “I was totally going to have sex with you today?” and “Really?? ... well played, Detective!” and he’s so proud of her yanking his chain and her smile to herself because oh homegirl is thinking it

2x06, much as it hurts me, with Chloe being so worried about him the entire time and then begging him to go talk to someone after she’s watched him just try to kill himself in front of her.

2x07 and THE DECKERSTAR HUG OF FEELINGS DESTRUCTION, also, “I need my partner and that’s you, Lucifer Morningstar”

2x08 and Chloe being so jealous she can’t think straight the entire time, because yes.

All of 2x09 for obvious reasons, especially Chloe going from halfhearted boogying/not really into it while she’s dancing by herself, to GLOWING LIKE A THOUSAND SUNS while dancing with Lucifer and “he really loves this place?”/”yeah...this PLACE....” and slow-mo over the Deckerstar dance scene because really, REALLY. And Chloe totally doing the Persephone “hubby no, don’t blow him up” when Lucifer is going after the homewrecker, and him being like, “yes wifey.” And when she’s all “I really need your help” convincing him to leave Lux, and he’s just so breathless with his little, “Really?” and her saving his home and them trying to go on a date and him being terrified and ayyyyy.

2x10 and the courtroom scene OBVIOUSLY, “Lucifer is THE best partner I have ever had,” because f u Mom. And them with dinner.

2x11 and his entire speech about not deserving her and THE KISS.

AND OBVIOUSLY THE HOT AF 2X12 SEXY MAKEOUT DREAM BANGARANG OPEN AND THEN LATER ON THE “THIS IS REAL, ISN’T IT” SCENE WITH THE FOREHEAD TOUCH AND STROKING AND HUGGING AND DO YOU HEAR MY PIERCING CRIES OF AGONY AS IT ALL GOES TO HELL, LITERALLY.

(see, I said every scene of theirs, and I’m probably missing more, so yes, help)