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[holocene-sims]

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july 2, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] it’s not what you think. we do not have to dive into family stuff yet, but i have a concern with your current, well, attitude towards opening up about your trauma, and i'd like to introduce you to a bit more theory.

[margot] am i correct in thinking you’re the kind of person who deeply desires an explanation for everything? something nice and neat and zippy that makes sense of things and rationalizes it for you?

[grant] very much so.

[margot] then i'd like to help you explain why you’re so resistant to talking despite you openly wanting to heal. you know that it’s easier in the long run to open up and you feel confident enough to heal, but you are holding yourself back. why?

[grant] because it’s excruciatingly painful?

[margot] it is, but that’s not really getting to the core reason. it’s your reaction to the pain.

[margot] if someone came into this room right now and yelled at you, what would your first instinct be?

[grant] i'd, um, feel very cornered. i'd want to leave.

[margot] when your ex-fiancee cheated on you and she became aggressive, what was your immediate response?

[grant] just to disappear or make myself small, invisible even. i spent the whole time she was in the house after she cheated living in the basement and avoiding her. i'd literally listen for her footsteps and decide whether to come upstairs or something.

[margot] what was your strategy growing up? when your mom mistreated you, what did you do?

[grant] i left or made myself hard to notice. being noticeable got me in trouble. so, i'd do anything to not be in her line of sight or be heard. i'd go to my best friend henry’s house–you know, the guy who unlocked your car the other day–or one of my family member’s houses or my oldest sister’s room. if i had to be home, i wouldn’t ask for anything or make a lot of noise and i didn’t go anywhere my parents were unless it was time for dinner or something.

[margot] do you know the four trauma responses?

[grant] flight, flight, freeze, and fawn?

[margot] yes. those are survival mechanisms. when you’re living in trauma, they’re the ways to keep yourself safe. in your case, you’ve learned to avoid, to disengage, to make yourself scarce. you aren’t naturally that way, but you needed it as a skill because of all the responses, it was the most advantageous. doing anything else meant putting yourself in the line of fire.

[grant] right. fighting would have been the worst choice and i don’t know, freezing just lets people cannibalize me and fawning, i mean, i couldn’t do anything to actually please my parents. even if i did everything right, the problem was just that i existed.

[margot] so, the problem is that the things that kept you safe back then are making your life so much harder than it needs to be now. you’re hurting yourself. you’re stunting yourself even. the longer you stay in that mode, the longer you let it rule you and every interaction you have.

[margot] i know it feels the same way to open up. opening up about your trauma is putting you back into the bullseye because you’re going to relive it, but if you don’t engage with it, what are you doing?

[grant] i'm just putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.

[margot] correct.

[margot] you don’t want to do that.

[grant] no, i don’t. i said last time it’s not what i want. i did it before and the whole nice little house of cards i built for myself came crashing down when i met real resistance in life again.

[grant] also, you said that one time that being cruel to myself is repeating the trauma. this is doing it, too, isn’t it? i'm leaving myself in the same kind of victimized state i was in back then.

[margot] yes, you are. you were a victim, but you don’t have to be anymore. there’s a quote about that i think you should hear.

[margot] “as long as you’re avoiding your feelings, you’re denying reality. and if you try to shut something out and say, “i don’t want to think about it,” i guarantee that you are going to think about it. so invite the feeling in, sit down with it, keep it company. and then decide how long you’re going to hold onto it. because you’re not a fragile little somebody. it’s good to face every reality, to stop fighting and hiding, to remember that a feeling is just a feeling. it’s not your identity.”

[naggingatlas]

so deep in thought (sniffin her footte)

[juneberrie]

you are allowed to have your phone usually?

yesyes usually but since today was a (mock) state test we werent 💀

[rocktheholygrail]

Hannibal (2013-2015)

3x09 || 3x11

[nick-nellson]

Barbie (2023) dir. Greta Gerwig

[maxxxines]

Margot Robbie wearing Barbie inspired looks + their commercials

[ayo-edebiri]

#She IS Ken to me

[starstruckmoony]

omg i love this theme!!

ahhh thank youu <3 i love yours too, it's super pretty! and bea on your profile pic?!?!?! yes.

[agathah]

Murder Wives

PRINTS on my bio

[duckydrawsart]

i'd give you the world on a silver platter. would it even matter?

[bi-dykes]

Yee Haw 🎀

[shorooq-mahmoud]

A Confession from the Heart of Suffering: An Unbearable Reality

I hope you read my confession, and thank you. This is the reality of all the people of Gaza.

Whenever I think of the life we used to have before the genocide, I have to struggle to hold my tears so I don't cause my children more pain than what they already feel. Our life, then, was neither easy nor perfect but it was full of warmth and the simple joy of being together under one roof . We have never felt completely free because we have always been under a siege that has only gotten worse during this war but at least we felt somewhat safe and we had quite a decent life with the means that we were allowed.What kept us going was our belief that the future might be brighter one day.

‏Hello, I am Shorooq, a nursing graduate of the University of Palestine in Gaza. I was married and gave birth to my first child, Jamal, on October 6, on the first day of the war, where I suffered from problems in childbirth and providing diapers and milk for my child in case of cutting the minimum basic necessities of life

‏The first sound he heard was the sound of bombing and planes instead of quiet music. My husband and I dreamed of raising him in a peaceful environment with peace like the rest of the children of the world, and in the arms of our family, because he is the first grandson of the family whose ancestors remained in Gaza. His uncles, aunts and cousins suffer from the harshest types of torture, including displacement, famine and cold

‏It's a heavy heart I'm making this post asking for help. I was able to leave the Gaza Strip for Egypt with my family, where the price of survival was very high.

‏The occupation killed our dreams, and we lost our country, our family and our friends. Our work, but we arrived in Egypt after exhausting all our financial capabilities, and we now live in Egypt without any source of income, and we live with another family and we do not have work to meet our daily needs and provide my little son with food, drink and children's supplies.

€0 -> €25k😔💔

‏Please help save our lives and consider donating to my cause. There is no very small donation and every donation is appreciated.

Please Support my family 🙏

@ibtisams-deactivated20241104 @noahkalina @commissions4aid-international @nabulsi27 @90-ghost @appsa @juliantinadeanoru @journalsforpalestine @mansbutchery @bilal-salah0 @palestinegenocide @palistani @buttercuparry @burtlebabe @neshamama @baguetttee @sar-soor @divinefeline28 @turian @riding-with-the-wild-hunt @komsomolka @schoolhater98 @gayorc @magnusbane-aleclightwood @neptunerings @omegomagnit @heritageposts @feluka @feluart @drangues @afro-elf @triviallytrue @sabakunohime @jezior0 @think-queer @lune-tic @forpalestine @watermelllonarchive @papsl @velvetys @visual-poetry @gothhabiba @joshpeck @kuuhaiyu @valtsv @moringmark @qrowpilled @soracities @nessvn @cyberianpunks

[bu99erfly]

BARBIE, 2023 DIR. BY GRETA GERWIG

[loolilyumm]

They are sleepy after a hard mission

SPLATOON AGENTS YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME…😣😣🥹🥹🥰🥰

[rocktheholygrail]

Hannibal (2013-2015)

2x12 || 3x04

[maria-tries]

when you're the only one in the friend group having an existential crisis 💅💗🎀