#man makes me so very sad. imagine having lost everything and yet needing to live for the sake of others. not even for yourself because ther

[doodles-in-sand]

i realised i never did post anything for triage 1 mil....well, heres thumbnail redraw!

[candyskiez]

Thinking about ???%/Shigeo as a character today and losing my mind. Like he's so funny to joke about but also he's SUCH an interesting character (especially from a plural angle, ESPECIALLY when you're a system yourself) and he makes me want to explode. Imagine forming to protect a little kid and deciding you love him so so much and you'll always be there for him, and you love his little brother, and you love his best friend, even though the world doesn't love you very much. But you take it anyway because you have those three and your little family so you're happy. And you have powers and they're a part of you and the other kid and it's fine until it very suddenly Isn't, and nobody's explaining why, just that you need to Stop Having Them. And the kid just decides, okay, I'm sorry, I'll be normal. And you get no explanation. You just have to be suppressed that little bit more. You form because he can't handle being suppressed yet he suppresses you. And then one day it all blows up and you make a mistake trying to protect your little brother and suddenly everyone hates you. Everyone thinks every little thing you've ever done is proof you're a monster and you always would've turned out like this, and you have no idea what they're talking about. You made a mistake trying to save your brother. But because you look scary and act different, even though you've always been there suddenly you existing is dangerous. Because you made a mistake, you are now Irredeemable.

That would fuck ANY kid up. But like, think about it. Shigeo had no one except Tsumobi and Mob and Mob's family. And suddenly he has no one. Mob represses him so deeply. He makes one mistake and suddenly he's not allowed to talk to anyone, suddenly he's completely alone and isolated. He has to share a brain with someone who despises him. He has the trauma of the accident AND the trauma of suddenly losing everyone he loves on top of it. He literally had no one for years. No wonder he's so fucking cynical. All of the shit about "I don't trust anyone" in the manga? Yeah, of course he doesn't. The rug was pulled out from under him so fast. In his eyes everyone just hated him for no reason, because he existed, and everyone would hurt him for existing, so he could only trust himself. Yeah, no wonder he's so selfish, he has no one else there at ALL. It's just...holyyyy hell.

And the thing is if you actually look the little things point to him yearning for connection so desperately. He's still so aggressively protective of his family (even though he lost them a long time ago, they're Mob's now, they don't even know he's there. Don't get me started on that from a plural view. I won't shut up and will probably pour my heart out.), and just ...world domination arc. When he's so upset about losing his family. We know he doesn't trust Reigen. Yet he's running to Reigen for some sort of comfort because he's scared and doesn't want his family to die and wants someone to tell him everything's fine. And Reigen DOES and he believes him. He believes him and immediately passes out. The guy who doesn't trust anyone wants to be loved so so bad and wants to believe Reigen more than anything. He really clearly WANTS to be able to trust Reigen. But he can't. More on this later.

And also thinking about why the build up in confession arc broke him like that is just fucking sad, man. Everyone was telling them to change. Shigeo's been told to change and it meant "be normal". Mob isn't even the one who actually likes Tsumobi like that. Shigeo's being completely repressed and Mob wants to live without him completely. Everyone wants to live without him now that they've used his powers to get this nice perfect life (in his eyes, at least.) Everyone's just trying to forget he ever existed so they can be happy without him, when Shigeo never GOT to heal. He never got to move on. He never got to process any of the god awful shit that happened to him. Everyone's telling him, change. Be normal. Be normal so Tsumobi will like you. And Shigeo's so fucking stressed out of his mind because lying about who he is didn't even help Mob make friends, it didn't make him popular, it didn't make anyone like him, it just made them both miserable. He doesn't want to be stuck like this. Of course he's freaking out. We see in his encounter with the body improvement club that being told to go back to normal sets him off HARD. It's clearly a sensitive subject. "Normal" means "Don't exist" to Shigeo. Do you see why this fucked me up as a system yet. Oh my god.

And his breakdown is just...painfully understandable. Like, actually think about it for a second. Shigeo has never been shown forgiveness or compassion or any amount of understanding for his mistakes. He never was taught to mature or see any nuance. He fucked up, so he doesn't deserve any second chance. Nobody ever taught him compassion. He has such a completely black and white view of the world. If someone did something bad once, they are forever The Bad Thing. If someone was kind to him once, they are forever Good and Perfect. Teru was a threat once, so he is now Always A Threat. Reigen was a liar before so he is Always A Liar. Ritsu was sweet and kind as a kid so he is always His Innocent Little Brother. And Tsumobi accepted him as a kid, so now she's the only person who could ever possibly accept him. Teru sees Shigeo at his most terrifying, when he's actively hunting him down, and in the manga looks at him with fucking hearts in his eyes. Ritsu might not be all perfect, but he's trying so hard and understanding no, Shigeo isn't just a scary part of Mob. Shigeo isn't Evil. But because neither of their acceptance is perfect, and because they aren't from Tsumobi, he can't see it's even there. And also, another thing, his response to people acting outside of his perception of him is to get them away. It scares him. Teru isn't acting how he expected? Attack maim. Ritsu isn't afraid of him anymore? Teleport him away so he doesn't have to confront the change. Reigen acts different? Throw shit at him until he hates him.

It's just so...fuck man. Of course he's like that. He's immature and selfish because nobody taught him not to be. Nobody helped this kid when he needed it and this is the result. He thinks he's an irredeemable monster so he acts like one when he's told to just be himself. He doesn't see change as being realistic. He's been treated the same no matter what he does so he assumes this is how the world naturally is. He's just a bitter mentally ill kid who nobody gave any reason to believe that maybe the world is nice sometimes.

Another thing: I think he really really wants Reigen to care about him. Him going "I can't listen to him" is so intense with the context of the fact he immediately passes out to rest and let Mob take care of it once Reigen says his parents are safe. Reigen can convince him like nobody else can. He cares about him and wants to believe him and that's terrifying! He hates him and resents him and wants him to be proud of him and wants nothing to do with him and it's confusing and he just wants something that is (supposedly) guaranteed. He wants Reigen to care so badly and it feels impossible. Why would he ever care? He just wants to use him. The only way to bring Shigeo back from his breakdown was to show him that people can be kind without wanting something back in return. Reigen saying "you don't need me anymore" was the only real way to help him, to show him that he's not doing this for himself, but because he cares about his student(s). Because he cares about BOTH of them. He cares about every version he's seen and interacted with, not because of his powers but because they were them. He had to let go of them to truly help them here, so Shigeo wouldn't have any lingering fear. What helps Shigeo is the display of kindness with nothing to be gained and Mob finally realizing that Shigeo's just...flawed. They both realize that sometimes people are just flawed and fucked up and make bad decisions and just straight up hurt people. And they'll still love you. They'll still be worth saving. But you can't deny their flaws, for Mob, and you don't need to seek the perfect relationship to have someone there, for Shigeo. It just. Agh! God! I am always losing my mind over this story. Fuck. This SHOW .

[seaoflove07]

Love Planted a Rose 🌹

~ Dark ~

• Artwork by The Drawables •

Full Art Cover and Story Description, Here.

OCXCanon. 🔪 Azusa & Christine’s Story. 🌹

Fan Fiction Written by Me.

Fandom: Diabolik Lovers.

Masterpost.

Christine was sitting in the bathtub with her arms wrapped around her legs. She was lost in her thoughts thinking of what happened last night with Azusa. All the things he told her. To him, pain makes him feel wanted and needed. What has this world done to him? To make him think this way. It's sad. Her mind is telling her to stay away from him, but she can't understand why her heart is aching for him. She wants to get to know him, to understand him. Even though she's very aware that's gonna cost her lots of pain. She wants to know his past, and she also wants to know how long has he been living in this world. So many questions she would love to ask him. But she knows he won't answer to any. She already tried, but he made it clear that his past doesn’t concern her. Yet he wants to know everything about her.

She touches her lips, Thinking about the way he kissed her with so much desperation.

Christine: (I haven’t kissed another man since Mark. I didn't think I would ever need that kiss, but I did, desperately like Azusa. His lips, his tongue, and his rough touches. They all felt good, even though my head was spinning and I struggled to catch up to him since I was very lightheaded. The way he got anxious when he thought I had a boyfriend back home. I'm starting to feel these butterflies in my stomach again. Why am I feeling this way? I can't let him get into my heart, I just can't. A human broke my heart to pieces, I can't imagine how much worse it will be with a vampire. It's already madness right now. Azusa is very scary at times, he almost killed me. All the physical pain Azusa has caused me and I haven’t been here long. I can’t imagine how it would be for the rest of the summer. My lips are swollen from that kiss, not just my lips, but my whole body hurts and I have so many bite marks and cuts from his knife...)

*Knock, Knock*

Azusa: “Rose-san… I'm coming in…”

Christine: “Azusa! I'm still in the bathtub, please get out.”

Azusa: “There’s so many bubbles in the bathtub… I can't see your body… So don't worry…”

Christine: “… Do you need something?”

Azusa: “Ruki told me... to give you… this medicine… he said… it will help you… feel better… here… I also brought you… water…”

- She drinks the medication -

Christine: “Thank you.”

Azusa: … …

Christine: “What's the matter?”

Azusa: “I can't stop… thinking about you… even when… I’m with my brothers… or when I'm alone… or cutting myself... or polishing my knives… and when I’m talking to Justin… your pretty face… always comes to my mind…”

Christine: !!!

(I can feel my cheeks flushed...)

“I-I have been thinking about you a lot too. I want to get to know you, Azusa.”

Azusa: “Eh…!? Really, Rose…?”

He moves closer to her and sits at the edge of the bathtub, neither say anything. Azusa caresses her cheek and stares deeply at her brown eyes.

Ruki: “Hmph, Azusa. I told you to only give her the medication and to come back quickly. Stop touching her and take your leave. You're already running late on the task that I asked you to do earlier.”

Azusa: “I’m sorry… I’ll go right now… I'll see you later… Rose…”

He gave her a cute smile and leaves the bathroom.

Ruki: “Livestock, hurry up with your bath and meet me at the library. I would like to discuss something with you.”

Christine: “Okay, I'll be out in a minute.”

*TimeSkip*

- At the Library -

Christine: “I'm here, Ruki.”

Ruki: “Good, you didn’t make me wait long. Take a seat.”

… …

“Livestock, you are going to be living in this manor all summer and I expect honesty. Tell me what you really are? And you better not lie to me.”

Christine: (His question took me by surprise…)

“What do you mean?”

He slams his fist on the table.

Ruki: “Dammit, Livestock. Don't play dumb with me! I had my familiar follow you. He said when you were at our swimming pool there was a blonde woman with a white dress inside the pool near you but disappeared quickly. Were you doing black magic? Are you a witch?”

Christine: !!

(So I'm not crazy and I didn't imagine it! I did see a reflection of myself under the pool…)

“I’m not lying and I'm not a witch! But I did see myself inside the pool last night and it scared me. When I started to scream underwater, Azusa got me out of the pool. I asked him if he saw anyone inside the pool but he said no. This has never happened to me before.”

Ruki: “I see. Thinking about it a Witch wouldn't have a similar blood scent to Eve. Did the figure say anything to you?”

Christine: “Yes… She said, “Soon, you will be me.”

“I-I don't understand the meaning of this. She did look exactly like me but when she gave me a sinister look it seemed inhuman.”

(Chills run down her spine just thinking about it…)

Ruki: “Whatever that thing was is probably your true form. Are you sure you don't know what that form is? Does your family have a history of mystical creatures?”

Christine: “What!? Of course not. We are all just humans and I don't possess any strength or magical powers. Ruki, please if you know anything about why I was sent here please tell me.”

Ruki: “That's information I want to know as well. None of us know why you were truly sent here, not even the Sakamakis. Your blood sent is similar to Eve's but I don't think this is about another sacrificial bride. You are valuable to that man. He has made it clear in reminder letters that he will kill anyone if they kill you, and this pool incident it's not a coincidence. I will still try my investigation to see what he really wants with you. If you experience another similar situation like this again I need you to tell me immediately, I am clear, Livestock?”

Christine: “What's the point in telling you if you are gonna have your familiars follow me anyways?”

Ruki: “Dammit, Livestock! You sure don't know how to shut your mouth and agree nicely like a good girl.”

Christine: “Because I am not a girl, I’m a woman!”

Ruki stands up and grabs her wrists pulling her up.

Ruki: “A woman you say? So you don't mind me being this close to you.”

He smirks.

Christine: “What the hell are you doing? Let go of me.”

Ruki: “Living in this manor, I don't care if it's temporary. You still are gonna follow my rules and I expect you to agree nicely with respect. I shall have no mercy next time you run your mouth. Understood?”

Christine: “Yes.”

(I'm trying to control my anger right now. I truly want to tell him to Fuck off!…)

Ruki: “Good, There is something else I want to ask you.”

He removes his hands from her wrists and steps back a bit.

“Are you seducing my younger brother?”

Christine: “Of course not! He's only after my blood and nothing else.”

Ruki: “Not true. You have him hypnotized. He’s never acted this way for a Livestock before. Have you hit and harmed him?”

Christine: “Not because I want to. Most of the time, he forces me to hurt him, and on some occasions I have, but it was for self-defense.”

Ruki: “Ha… I see. What are your thoughts on him?”

Christine: “I have mixed feelings for him… Sometimes, I'm afraid of him, wondering what he will do next. But other times, I kinda like his company. He does hurt me a lot but on some occasions, he's very sweet to me. I don't understand his full logic when it comes to pain. But to be honest, I want to get to know him and maybe become friends with him.”

Ruki: “Friends? Livestock, you really are foolish. Azusa won't settle for only friendship.”

Christine: “What do you mean?…”

Ruki: “Why don't you use that brain of yours? You truly are an airhead.”

Christine: … …

Ruki: I do find it interesting how obsessed Azusa is with you. Your blood probably is tasty to him but... There’s something more, I can feel it in your Aura. Azusa has been through a lot over the years and I worry to see my brother break because of you.”

Christine: ... ...

“Ruki... can you please tell me about Azusa’s past? I truly don’t want to hurt him. I want to get to know him and to help him. But for me to be able to help him I need to understand him. Please Ruki! Can you please tell me what caused him to self-harm?”

Ruki: “Why don’t you ask him this question yourself?”

Christine: “I did, but he told me it doesn't concern me. I just want to understand why he acts like this.”

Ruki: “Haah... Fine. I will tell you just this once. Azusa has never opened up too much about himself to us either. Even I have never fully understood how his brain works. From what I know, it has something to do with those kids from his childhood. Their names are Justin, Christina, and Melissa.”

Christine: (The names of his scars!…)

“He introduced his scars to me and they had those names.”

He nods.

Ruki: “He believes those three are his friends and will not let anyone treat his wounds so they do not disappear. From what he told us, those kids used to beat him up for fun daily until he started enjoying it and thought he was being useful to them. They then left him alone, thinking he was some kind of a weird kid. Those kids, later on, got killed because they were caught shoplifting. Seeing them dead traumatized him.”

Christine: “B-But Where were your parents? And he’s your younger brother, why did you guys allow this to happen? Why you guys didn’t help him? While he was getting bullied.”

Ruki: “Azusa since childhood he was wandering around in the streets. His parents abandoned him. We are not blood brothers. After the death of Justin, Christina, and Melissa. Azusa was sent to the orphanage and that’s where we all met. Kou and Yuma too. Ever since then, we became brothers.”

... ...

“That will be all the information that I will tell you. You are even lucky that I even told you this much.”

Christine: (My heart hurts for Azusa and for the brothers. Even though Ruki didn't mention the full story, by them meeting each other at the orphanage they all probably had a bad childhood...)

“I appreciate you telling me this. I won't bother you anymore. I'll be taking my leave now and will start my shift.”

Ruki: “Wait, Livestock. I am not done talking to you. Tomorrow, Kou will be the one to accompany you to the Sakamakis. I have other matters to take care of. Don’t be dumb and behave around the brothers and try not to get yourself killed this time.”

Christine: “Okay… I will watch my back.”

Ruki: “That will be all, you may take your leave and start your shift.”

*TimeSkip*

After Christine completed her work shift she took another bath and finished brushing her long blonde hair, lastly, she sprayed herself with her favorite perfume, Coco Mademoiselle by Chanel. She loves the perfume so much that she wears it all the time even before bedtime. She couldn’t stop thinking about Azusa. She feels so sad for him and her chest keeps hurting every time she thinks about what Ruki told her. Azusa truly must have felt so lonely to the point he wanted to be useful to his bullies who were beating him up all the time. Now she understands why he asks her to give him pain. Christine felt tears running down her cheeks. The fact that he also was abandoned in the streets by his parents. How cruel and sad! He must have been scared, cold, and hungry. More tears keep coming out of Christine’s eyes. She grabbed a tissue to clean her face and tried to calm down. She needed to occupy her mind so she decided to read her favorite novel, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin. Christine has lost count of the number of times she has read this story. She needed to distract herself and take Azusa off her mind. She went to grab the book and flinched when she heard a knock on her door.

Christine: “Who is it?”

… …

(Whoever it is they are not responding…)

She moved closer and hesitated to open the door.

“Is someone there?”

(She can hear someone chatter through the door…)

- She opens the door -

Christine: “Azusa! Did something happen?”

(He's shaking and sweating. He looks really sad…)

She cupped his cheeks.

Azusa: “Rose-san… can I sleep in your bed… I don't want to be alone… right now…”

She nods.

Christine: “Come in… Can I get you water? I can go grab it really quick in the kitchen.”

Azusa: “No… just lay down next to me… please... don’t leave me... alone...”

Christine: (He looks so anxious! I’m so worried about him right now…)

She takes his hand and leads him to her bed.

“Lay down, Azusa… I promise I'll stay by your side.”

- They both lay down on the bed, staring at each other -

Christine: “What happened…?”

Azusa: … …

“I had a nightmare… and when I woke up… I needed to see you…”

Christine: “What was the nightmare about?”

Azusa: … …

“I already forgot…”

Christine: “What!? How is that possible?”

Azusa: “I already said… I have forgotten about it… so you don't need to worry…”

Christine: … …

(He has tears in his eyes, I know he's lying…)

“Azusa… I won’t force you to tell me. But… I want to let you know… that I'll listen to you if you ever want to talk about anything that's on your mind. I'll be here for you. You're not alone…”

- She cups his cheek -

• Artwork by @yuma-mukami-garden-god •

Azusa: !!

“Rose…”

(Her beautiful smile and gentle touch warms my heart. Her hand is so soft, like rose petals from the garden....)

“I’m feeling calmer now… that I'm here with you…”

- He places his hand on top of hers and smells her wrist -

“Your flowery scent… is also calming to me… I’m glad… you came into my life… Rose…”

Christine: “Really?”

He nods.

Azusa: “Can I … suck your blood…? I’m thirsty… from all the sweating…”

Christine: (If my blood will calm him and make him feel better than he can have it…)

“Yes, Azusa… Go ahead.”

She closes her eyes, waiting for the strike of pain.

Azusa: “Look at me…”

He sinks his fangs into her wrist.

*Slurp*

Christine: “Azu…”

Azusa: “Ah… so sweet… and… I love that look… on your face… I'll bite you more…”

*Gulp*

Christine: “Azu… doesn't my perfume bother you? I feel like the taste of a perfume won't be pleasing.”

- He licks the bite mark -

Azusa: “It tastes delicious… your floral scent… mixed with the scent of your blood… is heavenly addicting…”

He planted a kiss on her wrist.

Azusa: “I like that you are calling me… “Azu…” hehe… Keep calling me that, okay…? Now let me hold you tight…”

- He embraced her -

“The warmth of your body… feels nice… it takes all my worries away….”

Christine: (I can feel both our hearts pounding with his tight embrace…)

“I’m glad you feel that way Azu. I hope you have a sweet dream this time.”

Azusa: … Zzz… Zzz…

Christine: (He fell asleep immediately. Azusa’s temperature is so cold but I don't dislike it. His scent is nice too. His scent is a mix of fruity black tea with hints of florals. I should move and give us space but the truth is… I want to be locked in his arms, it feels nice. His expression looks peaceful now. I truly hope he has a better dream this time…)

She runs her fingers through his dark greenish hair.

(If Helping him by doing these things for him, I hope he can trust me one day and open up to me…)

Christine: “I hope… you let me cure your scars, Azusa.”

She buries her face on his chest and closes her eyes.

- TO BE CONTINUED -

• Artwork by MonMonArtz •

[tokiro07]

Undead Unluck ch.206 thoughts

[Mazel Tov]

(Contents: Character analysis - Feng/Soul/Language)

And with that, the Medaka Box shiritori arc is concluded, and man what an arc it was! I think it's a bit unfortunate it had to come after the Golden Week break, that kind of took the steam out of this finale a little bit for me, but damn it was still so good!

Might just be recency bias, but I think this might be one of my overall favorite arcs. It facilitated two different major character arcs (Nico and Feng), gave Ichico some much-needed characterization, showed just how much personality the current antagonists can have, had easily my favorite concept for a fight so far, and elaborated on the power system in a very fun and interesting way. This finale was especially fitting because it managed to touch on all of those concepts, like it was reviewing everything that happened up to now

Starting with Feng, seeing him continue to play the lone-wolf card only to rescind it and actually thank Nico for helping him is just so satisfying, as it illustrates the major change in Feng's character that we've been hoping for all along. By offering his strength in return for the new heights he was able to bring that strength to, Feng directly acknowledges that he wouldn't have been able to reach that level alone, at least not so quickly, and suggests that he's finally begun to learn what Fuuko was trying to teach him about fighting for the sake of others. He hasn't necessarily internalized that lesson yet, but this was an absolutely necessary step on the way to completing that particular character arc

Of course, Feng is still Feng; when he notices a twinge of doubt and weakness in Language, he derides her "what kind of buffoon would think of anything other than victory during mortal combat?" Of course, there's tons of valid answers to that question, but I think the important thing here is that this line suggests that Feng's overall focus, self-improvement and victory, remains unchanged, and that's okay. Feng wants to be strong and defeat others, that's what makes him happy, and he's not wrong for it. What was wrong was his approach, which made it seem like his goal was wrong. Now that he's on a better path, his goals no longer seem like a justification for cruel behavior, just lofty aspirations

This line also harkens back to a major theme of this arc: imagination. The ability to visualize the outcome you want is vital to creating it. This principle was applied very literally in the shiritori battle, where one's imagination was necessary to conjure viable attacks or defenses, so when Language had the thought "this can beat me," that was as good as confirming that she had already lost. I think this is also why "living" conjurations would damage the user upon their destruction; while a wall or a meteor would still be constructed from the user's soul, those things can't be "hurt," but a dragon or a yokai or a god can. They are alive, and being killed is much easier to empathize with than something being broken. You can imagine what it feels like to be cut or burned, so since it's a part of you, the destruction of that piece of your soul is inherently shared with you. Basically, if Language had been able to think something to the effect of "I can still save this," she might have been capable of turning things around, but instead she admitted defeat before she'd even realized it

Speaking of, the look on Soul's face as Language apologized for losing was so utterly human. We've seen UMA have feelings before, but Soul was heartbroken there. His eyes widened by surprise, fear and sadness as she called out his name, how they narrowed with resignation and acceptance upon hearing her admit defeat...it was like seeing Fuuko watch her friends die fighting Sun

The Master Rules have died before, and presuming they win, they'll come back for sure, but that doesn't mean it has to be easy on them emotionally. It's hard to say how the Master Rules feel about each other as a whole, but Soul was definitely affected by Beast's death just as much as he is here by Language's. Whatever they think of him, I think it's very clear that they're Soul's friends and family, and I'm very interested to see how Language's death spurs him into action next

On the subject of the Master Rules dying, I've seen some criticism of Language's core just being her head popping off of her body, but it's not really that different conceptually from Ichico's soul being her head, is it? They both even have the hair tentacles. I think this is meant to further convey just how close to human the Master Rules are, something I imagine is going to be expanded much further upon in the near future, so I'm not going to go much further into it now aside from the surface level symbolism

Language does clearly have a much more nuanced level of sentimentality than most any previous UMA, though. We've seen Burn express his desire to meet God, Clothes jumping through hoops to justify helping Fuuko to himself, and Spring actively wanting to be accepted by humans, but Language had a personal, vested interest in one person. Language viewed Nico as her rival, and used that rivalry to propel herself to greater heights (another way this arc ties into Feng's themes, by the way), but she also loved him. She wasn't waiting for billions of years just to get revenge, she was waiting for someone who could make her feel fulfilled. If she just wanted revenge, she would be cursing him as she died this time around, but instead she sends him off with congratulations and well-wishes. She died with a smile on her face and told Nico to have a happy marriage; how can that possibly be taken as anything other than an act of humanity?

I can only hope that we see that level of humanity from the other Master Rules, but fingers crossed it won't be for a little while. After this arc, I could sure use a breather chapter or six!

Until next time, let's enjoy life!

[mysticaldeanvoidhorse]

Forged in Love

Hephaestus x Aphrodite!reader

Page break credits @firefly-graphics

Master list

Part 9

taglist: @streets-in-paradise @floraroselaughter @stitchattacks

taglist open :)

     When you returned, you filled Athena in, per her insistence.  You didn’t tell her everything, saving some just for yourself.  She was very encouraging, saying that this seemed a wise match.  You had tentatively thought so as well but hearing it confirmed by the goddess of wisdom helped to seal matters in your mind.  The only thing stopping you was that you still didn’t know him very well, he was very guarded, though you knew enough to know he was more open with you than anyone.  And that made you feel really good.  Funny how you were the goddess of feelings (more or less), yet this guarded man who didn’t let anyone in made you feel better than all those who constantly tried.  The irony was not lost.  It was funny to you how you had thought he was a recluse who was not worth anyone's time, whenever you thought about him which wasn't much, until you met him just once.  However, was this a good idea?  Rushing into a marriage with someone who you hardly knew, even if he seemed like the best option?  Was another god you knew better a good idea? You were running out of time.

“The truth is, you don’t have much time to decide.  Hera likes the idea and would bless this marriage.  I am unsure if she would bless anyone else for you.  And though her marriage isn’t something to aspire to, her blessing is still very much needed.”  Athena had told you, after you confessed your doubts.

“I understand that, but is he too good to be true?”

“Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning to be sure, but you know the other gods and they are not options.”

“But what if he turns out to be the worst of them all?”  You were starting to panic.

“It is true you do not know him well, but what does your heart say?  You of all of us would know best if love can be found from the both of you.”  You were silent for a moment, unsure what the truth was.  You thought you knew the answer but were scared in case you were wrong.  The last thing you wanted was to be trapped and even if he was a wonderful choice, you were still being forced regardless.

“Listen to me, my friend.”  She started again.  “You can talk to him and make it clear what you expect once you are married.  If not love, something where you do not hate each other. Find an agreement you can both live with so being together is not a nightmare.  I don’t want to see you wither away like Hera.”  She gave you a sad smile, and hugged you then left.  You had a lot to think about.

     A few weeks had passed and you realized that no matter what, this was going to happen.  So you needed to talk to Hephaestus and make sure you were on the same page like Athena had suggested.  He had agreed to meet at his forgery once again, not liking to leave and though you felt at a disadvantage you knew the location wouldn’t matter; the conversation was going to be difficult regardless.

“Hello Hephaestus”  You started, a little awkwardly.  He had brought you to another balcony overlooking yet another lovely piece of land that stretched for miles.  You mused to yourself how lovely it would be to spend many days out here.

“What can I do for you?”  Not one to beat around the bush, not that you had expected it of him.

“Honestly, it is a little awkward, but I think we need to talk about this forced marriage.”  His expression darkened just a bit, or maybe you imagined it.

“What about it?”  He asked, in a deeper, not as friendly tone.

“I guess I wanted to make sure that this is what you want, and if it is, what our expectations of it are.”

“Expectations?”

“Yes.”  

“Such as?”  He lifted an eyebrow.  His was an intense gaze, and the only one you ever felt the need to shy away from.  Any other god you could flirt your way around it, but not him.  You couldn’t be fake with him, even if you tried. And you didn’t want to

“I am not naive to think that though we are… getting along right now, that we still don’t know each other very well.  And I don’t want to wake up one day knowing that not only do me and my husband not get along, but that we could hate each other.”  Again no expression.  What you would give to know his mind.

“Like my mother.”  Interesting that this was the first time you had heard him refer to Hera as mother.

“Yes.”  You hated to admit it, but you feared turning into her one day.  Locked away, barely surviving, hated by her husband, respected by none.  The thought alone made you shudder.

“What is it that you want of me?”

“I want…that is I-”  You didn’t know what to say.  

“Do you want a companion?  A friend?”  He took a step closer.

“Well yes, but-”  Another step.

“You want someone who you can get along with and live amicably with?”  Another step.  He was so close you could reach up and kiss him if you wanted.  The thought shocked you.  Where had that thought come from?  And why was it the only one in your mind?

“Or do you want passion, love, fire?”  His eyes bore into your own.  You would be lying if you said you didn’t like the intensity.

“I am the goddess of love, of course I want that.”  You whispered.

“And you are worried you won’t find that…with me?”  You couldn’t read his emotions but thought that maybe there was some sadness in his eyes.

“I’m scared, Hephaestus.”  He nodded, smiling sadly, and began to back away.  The moment you couldn’t feel his heat you reached for and grabbed both his arms to which he instantly tensed up.  But you noticed he didn’t back away.  “I am scared that I won’t yes, but having met you, I am scared that I might actually get all that I want.”  He slowly brought his arms to wrap around yours.  “I am scared that you are too good to be true and once this.. Connection, this spark dies down, we will be left with nothing.  So my hope is that at the very least we can live together amicably, as you say.  That I won’t hate my very existence knowing that you grow tired of me.  That I am not at all what you want.  That you will resent me for forcing you into this marriage.”  You hadn’t admitted half of this to yourself and yet it was all the truth.  He had a way of making you be honest with yourself, a good trait since love can blind.

“This is what bothers you?”  He searches for more but does not find it.

“Yes.”  You barely whisper.

“Then let me tell you my fear.”  No sound could be heard, you held your breath knowing that whatever he was about to say would change everything.

“I fear that you are going into this blindly.  That you see an option that is the best of the worst, and will quickly change your mind and feelings.  That you will see me for what I am.”  It had hurt you to know he thought you so trivial but you knew that it was also in your nature; you were emotional and emotions change and are fleeting.

“I know that I am trivial,  but I have changed a lot.  I cannot promise I won’t become more sound, that is who I am; I am Emotion.  But I can tell you that love will not change.  Will I get upset, go crazy?  Most definitely.  But love..that does not change.”  You knew whether you loved him or not, but knew it was not the time to say yes or no to it.   “And I do see you for who you are.”  You could tell he wanted to pull away, so you moved closer, so that the rest of your bodies were practically touching.

“I see a man who has so much more to offer than others see.  More than he himself sees.  A man who would help out a complete stranger and have next to no expectations of her.  Someone who is always doing things for others and thinks he deserves nothing in return.  I see a man with so much to offer but is so humble.  I see a man that I could easily love.”  His coal eyes had a flicker of fire and you thought it was the most beautiful thing.

“Is that truly what you see?”  He asked in such a vulnerable way, your heart ached.

“I see so much more.”  Your hand reached to cup his face.  He visibly relaxed, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Then I think your fears are unfounded.”  You smiled.

“I think yours are too.”

[artsy-hobbitses]

TTB Opening themes by season

Because my head goblin got riled up from that last ask and I am but a mere flesh jaeger. Thought went into this, goddamn thought went into this. 

SEASON 1 (PRE-WAR) Opening: Link by L’arc en Ciel (FMA movie)

Do you remember? Ever since we were kids there was a door we couldn't reach Even on tiptoes Forgetting about time Exhausted with endless wandering This maze we walked Always seemed to be there I can't stop unconsciously Searching for your smile. Not a single thing has changed I would bet on that Even if we were separated by a thousand miles, These memories will connect us Even if we should be fooled by the cruel tricks of fate It won't break us I wish that someday I could see with my own two eyes Our world born again

- Chosen because the MegOP as childhood friends vibes were TOO STRONG look at those fucking lyrics holy shit. Also, it sounds a LOT like OP speaking/singing to Megs! And. very sadly attempting to reassure himself/Megs that yes, they can still be friends despite everything they’ve gone through. He wants to hold on to that hope. 

SEASON 2 Opening: I am just feeling alive by Umi Kuun (Young Blackjack)

I am just feeling alive! The tears… the scars… from that night, Change to new vows in this moment.

This simple heart has simply gone on making decisions, Thinking there’s no way justice could ever exist. But nonetheless, I’m searching for it somewhere in my heart, (Give me Give me One More Chance!)

We only really need one thing we can believe in, always Hey, don’t you think?

I am just feeling alive! It’s a patchwork destiny But I want to try betting on that future! I just want you to survive! In the space between a cruel world and hope, This dreaming heart flaps its wings!

- Chosen for the ‘alive’ theme since OP has basically returned from the dead last season with the Matrix giving him ‘new life’. Also OP still seeking for a better day despite the shit he’s gone through AGAIN, and shifting his priorities from Megs to the team he now has to lead, who he’s determined to keep alive. - Thematic support from Prowl, who’s also learning how to live as a free man for the first time and is likely realising the mountains he’s willing to move for Jazz (and his shifting mindset). 

SEASON 3 Opening:  Unlimited by Nanase Aikawa (Samurai 7)

To understand each other And to share your feelings with each other Those things are like bubbles

Hiding themselves in the grains of time So I have lost all hope Believing it would be impossible to grab them Until I met you

How long have you been carrying This pain inside you? How long have you been hiding That sadness in your eyes when you smile?

If we now embrace the miracle of our encounter And look into each other's eyes, we can become stronger If this is not what is called love Then what is love?

- Female vocals chosen as this season introduces Windblade, Chromia and Lightbright as the Camien Valkyries, as well as Sari. - Fourth and fifth stanzas relating to Ratchet with Drift (defects to Autobots this season), Sari with Isaac (introduced this season, both are part of the main arc) and Windblade with Starscream.

SEASON 4 Opening: Missing Link by Novels (Tiger & Bunny)

I could have reclaimed that torn page Now I don't remember where I dropped it Yet what bothers me most is that there's no beauty looking forward After all, I did have a dream as my spell

What can I hate? My past? Myself? I only wish it could be someone else

We imagine such a future But even if we lose it We'll still be the heroes of our story

And even if the future is bleak So long as we have the present We will write as many chapters of this dream as we need

- The talk of past and futures plays into the Time Travel/Functionist Universe episodes which features as this season’s main arc.  - First two stanzas relate to Megs coming to terms with who he’s become (and the torn page he dropped, ie. his old, hopeful miner self). Also concerns Sunstreaker, who leaves the Autobots after a massive crisis of self.  - Last stanza concerns Prowl/Functionist Universe Jazz, basically Prowl telling F!Jazz that as long as they have the present, there’s still hope even if the future looks bleak. 

SEASON 5 Opening: Rain by SID (FMA: Brotherhood)

The new morning we've finally found Is being hampered by the past What we chased after wasn't the future But the past so full of remorse

The ruthless memories won't stop playing They won't be forgiving us for a long time

It's now that a teardrop Begins to roll down my fatigued cheeks

Will this rain ever stop? I've been freezing for a long time Why does the rain continue to fixate on me? I wonder if it could embrace me

Today the rain falls again Endlessly it falls, knowing no end We nestle close to each other to share the warmth Under this umbrella you gently held out to me

- Chosen because EVERYONE is a little fucked up and tired by this point.  - First two stanzas concern the 12 Primes, the reveal of what Unicron is and how they tie into all the terrible things the the system has done finally coming home to roost in an apocalyptic manner, so to speak.  - 0:28 to 0:32 played similar but much more benevolently w/the 10 Primes choosing their avatar/champion for the final battle.  - 0:13 to 0:18 for massive cast shot which combines Autobots AND Decepticons loyal to Megs who are, once more as they had in the beginning, fighting side by side. 

[misteriios]

cont'd from ✗ bc of beta | brianna & jamie ( @redjamie2 )

❝ thank you. i am hundred percent certain you will too ❞ someone as smart as her father, she is sure he will start to learn most things. everything you need to survive in a more modern society than what he was used to. some things remained the same. brianna is proud of her parents too, how far they have come. her mom who could just change her whole living situation when she wanted to live in the same time as jamie, that was something she admired about her. for her hadn't it been as easy, but she learned to live with the new life. she's glad her kids grew up in their times, the year she's from, she did not think it was much better and she had no family there either. not with frank gone, she had no one left, except from roger. she belong more in the past than the future too, so she wanted her kids to have what she never had, a big family to grow up with.

❝ it's sad i never got the chance to meet them. did mom meet them? your parents. good you have the younger generation to teach you things you do not know ❞ she teased, laughed ❝ ian has learned me things i didn't know and you too. we all learn from each other. ❞ she loved to talk about the family, they meant the world to her.

she nodded when he said he has complicated feelings about frank. bree can understand he has. can't be easy to know another man raised your child in another time and you didn't know about her ❝ from what i can remember of him wasn't he a bad father, he did the best he could even though i am sure he knew i wasn't his biological daughter. i cannot imagine how it must be to know such a thing and yet do the best you can do in that situation because you want someone to have a good life. i am sure he had mixed feelings about you as well, knowing mom loved you too, or more probably. made me wonder if she only was together with frank after she came back for me and they somehow tried to make it work. ❞ she shrugged.

difficult to know and her dad was gone, so she could never ask him about the whole situation and why they were still together. what he felt about everything ❝ yes, he made me feel safe. i'm sure mom felt it too ❞ she couldn't speak for claire's feelings, she only guessed. deep down was bree sure her mother loved frank too.

listening to the story about the past made her sad. on the other hand she understood it was to protect the both of them. just sad he had to go through it. she knew jamie had been through much, and no good person deserved any of it. how he still stood with both of his feet on the ground was impressive, very inspiring ❝ did you know about me, then? if you asked her to go back. i understand you did it to protect us even though you didn't know if you probably would see her again or meet me. did you ever think of it? that you wouldn't be able to hold her in your arms again? i cannot imagine what it must be like to know someone you love is so far away. roger and i were away from each other, but we found our way back to each other, just like you and mom ❞ perhaps were they similar in that way, they knew they would meet each other again. you shouldn't give up your hopes too quickly.

brianna sighed. it was so hard to think how their life were. not more complicated and messy as anyone else. they just had a long family history. with much history that has shaped the future they know about today. little did they probably know their choices would mean something. those wars they fought to keep everyone safe, these brave men who went out there to fight for their country without knowing if they would survive or not. she read much about it in the library here in dc, she knew how it went ❝ i know you lost the war, i read about it, but at least you tried, right? and that's what counts, to fight for your country and the future to make it a better place ❞ important to do everything you could. you can't always win, even though you wish you did.

❝ oh? ❞ she smiled when jamie said he fainted, seeing claire again after so many years had passed by ❝ not sure if that is charming or not. i guess, it is a normal reaction sometimes ❞ she tried to make it sound as it wasn't so bad. people could faint when they saw someone they hadn't met on a while, she had seen it on tv.

her eyebrows raised. too embarrassed to get too many hugs? well, perhaps not anything wrong with it. some people didn't like to get too many hugs ❝ why, was it not normal back then? the year i grew up, i think it was pretty normal, people hugged their friends when they met. what i saw... i didn't have many friends ❞ she didn't care much about it, friendships could be complicated ❝ ah okay, glad you two have somewhere to live. both of you are always welcome to visit me. maybe i one day can try to cook something from your time? your favorite dish, if you had one ❞

better with the food now, than then. more maybe better recipes? she tried to make good food in the past so her kids wouldn't go around being hungry ❝ by the way, i just have to mention that you were all inspiring people. everyone i had the chance to meet. i do not regret a second that i decided to go through the stones, it has been my best decision i have ever made. well, if you forget the first minutes i had there, but not everything can be good ❞

[callsignspark]

first of all omg I was scrolling through my notifications and realized I hadn't responded to this yet!!! soooo sorry!! but I loved your words and the unhinged emoji use. it was *chef's kiss* perfect! this chapter truly did have it all!

I can just imagine how disgruntled he looks staring at her from across the room. Like holding that glass a little toooo tight. Trying (and failing) not to glare. - he's literally so grumpy about it, two seconds from shattering his beer bottle lmao. and he thinks he's hiding it well (spoiler alert: he's not)

pls this man is a drama queen, the audacity of the 20something to be twirling HIS GIRL (who could have been his girl if he hadn’t been so quick to shut her down, but oh, he was just trying to protect himself 🥺). But that boy isn’t having much fun when he only wants to flirt with one girl… - BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN IN SAN DIEGO. which is impressive when you remember his uncle is Pete "Navy's Biggest Drama Queen" Mitchell. (and you're so right, that could have been his girl if only he wasn't so hasty, even if he was trying to protect himself. poor baby 🥺)

SWEET BOB! ANGEL GEM LOOKING OUT FOR HIS FRIEND - Bob is the best bro

that vein in Bradley’s neck is POPPING as he watches Harvard test the waters I just know it!! Buying her drink, pulling out her chair, all with a cute matching pink bracelet?? POPPING I TELL YOU - it's about to burst and everyone at the table is just worriedly staring at it like "it's gonna blow at anytime be careful" and is Harvard flirting? or is his just a good friend? a respectful himbo? (Bradley doesn't care he just wants him to back off!)

sweet, beautiful idiot. Of course she did, she likes youuu. She’s probably been keeping tabs on you all night too! Probably didn’t know how to feel about that white bracelet 👀 - she very much is paying attention to him the entire time!! she was surprised and sad but also slightly relieved to see the white bracelet?? like "oh thank god he's not flirting with anyone but also he doesn't want to flirt with anyone."

in the immortal words of Shakira: hips don’t lie. And good for miss ma’am going for the jugular, he’s been thinking about those hips and thighs! GET IT GIRL - one shot of tequila and she's like 💃Bradley come dance with me💃 as if he needs convincing

i love a protective Bradley, but a protective Bradley going after a misogynistic asshole who doesn’t respect boundaries is my EVERYTHING. - HE'S HOT. HE'S PROTECTIVE. HE MAY HAVE GONE TO FAR WITH THE PUNCH. (even if she did appreciate the backup)

oooh that PALPABLE rage. And the way she tells everyone what’s going to happen, with no room for questions, so cut and dry. Bob and Nat were def making eye contact with each other like 👀 - everyone's asshole was clenched because she's kinda scary when she's mad lmao and Bob is standing there avoiding Nat's eyes because she'll realize he knows something and try to drag it out of him. he holds up during the post-drinking gossip session with Nat and Callie though, he a good friend.

YESSSSSS CALL HIM OUT FOR IT THOSE BIG COW EYES HAVE BEEN MOONING OVER HER ALL NIGHT - YOU'RE NOT SUBTLE BRADLEY!! EVERYONE SAW IT. INCLUDING HER. WHO'S OBLIVIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO YOU.

oh he wants her SO FUCKING BAD 🥺 and I bet that scares him because for as much as he wants her, he’s so used to losing the people he loves 😭 - yeah! he's also lost so many important people in his life so it's scary but he likes her so much he wants to try! wants to take the risk!

WE ARE ALL THINKING IT AND BIG DICK BOB IS THE ONLY ONE SAYING IT. Icon. - BIG. DICK. BOB. he is the moment. and the only one with a functioning brain cell at the moment.

this still makes me 😮‍💨😵‍💫 it’s so simple, but what’s got him in a tizzy is HER. THE BRADLEY POV OF THEM ON THE COUCH IS SENDING ME // SCREAMINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN (what hopefully will be again soon because idk how much longer I have to live if you’re set ON ENDING ME) - when I realized I could add his POV of that night I was like !!!!!!!!!!! because his horny monkey brain was definitely in charge then. only a few chapters now until they officially get together!!

poor Mary and her self conscious spiral. But this beautiful idiot is like DID YOU NOT FEEL HOW HARD MY COCK WAS?! Which like fair (also I would like to know as well for scientific purposes) - Bradley: "I was about to rip my shorts was that not a hint?" (I would also like to know *Debby Ryan hair tuck*)

oh I love how tender he is with her. And like the physical things have been some of the trigger points, and bless him for wanting to comfort her and put her at ease, but also wanting to be respectful of those boundaries - he's so soft with her. knows how sensitive she is and just wants her to be happy and safe above everything else.

oh he LOVESSSSS HERRRRRRRRRR AND NOW SHE KNOWS JUST HOW SERIOUS HE IS ABOUT HER 😭 AND HE USED THAT FULL GIVEN NAME THATS LEGALLY BINDING SERIOUS THAT DATE ON SUNDAY IS SET - HE IS IN LOVE AND HE'S BREAKING OUT THE GOVERNMENT NAMES OVER IT. their dinner is going to be so cute, hopefully nothing messes it up!

and those friends were her final words because neither of them are going to make it out alive 😂 NOT WITH THAT SEXUAL TENSION - famous last words "we can handle it" like.. sure Jan

a beautiful IDIOT BLESS HIM BUT DONT THINK ABOUT GETTING IN BED WITH THOSE JEANS - Mary watching him about to climb fully clothed into her clean bed "maybe I don't like him as much as I thought" jk girl you are in loovvveee with him

A SLUT! A WHORE! AND WE LOVE HIM FOR IT! ITS ALL FOR THE FEMALE GAZE! A FEMINIST! - just picture him undoing his jeans with one hand, shirtless with his muscles flexing from the movement. oh god I need a cold shower.

OH I LOVE THEM THIS SLOW BURN IS EVERYTHING AND ITS KILLING ME AND I LOVE IT - I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS!!!

Mar[r]y Me - part six

pairing: Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw x Mariella “M&M” Vertucci (fem!OC)

summary: A love story told through friendship, laughter, and food.

series warnings: 18+ minors DNI, discussion of insecurities, difficult family relationships, discussions of food and alcohol use, discussions of body image, one (1) drunk asshole, conversations on what it’s like to be a fat woman trying to date in today’s society, warnings to be added as needed

word count: 5.9k

previous part | series masterlist | main masterlist

note: happy Friday!! it's August here in the real world but it's Valentine's Day in the Mar[r]y Me universe, so what will these two do surrounded by love and pink hearts? can't wait to hear everyone's thoughts!

part six - pancakes

God, I made a mistake.

Bradley has suffered through five days of the same thought on a constant loop. His brain started up the second he walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Only getting short reprieves when he had to fly. Even being asleep wasn’t safe; Mary had been consuming his nights, wonderful dreams of being with her intermixed with bad dreams of having to watch her with another man.

He felt like he was living one of those nightmares for the last three songs, watching Mary dance and giggle with some guy in his twenties.

I should be the one making her laugh. My hands should be on her hips, not his.

He cursed Natasha for dragging them to this stupid Valentine’s Day speed-dating event. Except, the speed dating isn’t actually speed dating; it’s some sort of convoluted speed dancing.

As announced by the host, there are only two rules:

Every person must wear the wristband they received upon entry; the wristbands correspond to your relationship status, so respect the color code system.

If you’re dancing, you have to dance with a new person for each song.

“Unless you’re really hitting it off with your dance partner.” DJ Socket had added with a wink before starting the night off with a horrible remixed version of My Funny Valentine.

Natasha, Callie, and Mary had laughed at the bad song choice before throwing back a shot of tequila and shimmying their way to the dance floor, pink wristbands glowing under the disco ball.

According to the event flyer that had been spammed in the group chat for the last two weeks, a pink wristband meant single and ready to mingle.

Bradley watches as the infant with a bad haircut tries to hit on Mary to what he thinks is a Justin Bieber song, absentmindedly playing with his own wristband. White. Here for fun, not to flirt.

He’s having a terrible time.

“Rooster. Rooster? Bradley!”

The use of his real name snaps him out of his thoughts. “Sorry, Bob, what was that?”

“I asked if you were okay. You don’t look great.”

He feels his heart clench a little bit. He’s always had a soft spot for the bespectacled man, Bob paying attention to small things that others rarely caught. Though even a blind person could see the way Bradley is staring at Mary, the pining radiating beyond the two high-top tables the Daggers had claimed as theirs.

“Yeah, just tired. It’s been a long week.”

Bob raises an eyebrow and opens his mouth, but Harvard interrupts him before he can investigate further.

“It’s weird seeing the girls in dresses instead of their coveralls.”

“I’m just wondering how they convinced Callie to wear heels. Omaha practically had to bribe her to wear something other than her Vans to our wedding.” Fritz says, his red wristband - taken and in love - flashing when he takes a sip of his bright pink drink. “God, these drink specials are awful! This is the last time Phoenix gets to choose where we go.”

The boys laugh as his face twists in disgust. Natasha is great at many things, choosing a good bar is not one of them.

“We should have let Jake plan; he found that complex with the mini golf and everything. That was so much fun!” Aaron adds before turning to Javy. “Where is Jake? I thought he was coming.”

Javy shrugs. “He was supposed to be here, but he texted me and said he wasn’t going to make it. Something came up, apparently. He said everything was fine, so I’ll check on him tomorrow. Make sure he’s all good.”

“Mary looks really good.”

Bradley stiffens, his mood dropping from happy back down to pissed off as steam pours out of his ears. She doesn’t just look good. She looks amazing. The light green, satiny material of her dress is hugging her figure just right, showing off her curves in the most delicious way. The slit up her leg showing off the thighs he dreams about getting his hands on again.

She looks gorgeous.

But Harvard doesn’t get to say that about his girl.

She’s not your girl. You fucked up.

“There she is! Can I get you a drink, ma’am?” Harvard stands up, holding his bar stool steady while Mary climbs on, scooting it in when she’s settled.

“If you’re going up, I’ll take a water, please.” She smiles at him, cheeks flushed from dancing.

“You want anything stronger to go with that water?”

“Vodka sprite, if it’s not too much of a bother.”

“You got it, sweetheart; anything for my new backseater!” Harvard flashes his toothpaste commercial-ready smile at her before making his way through the crowd to the bar. Him and his pink wristband quickly getting lost in the masses.

“I missed something. Backseater?” Javy asks.

Bradley watches her laugh and lean on the table, grabbing a chip after Aaron pushes the basket toward her. “He’s just trying to be funny. We’re both headed up to Lemoore next week - I’m helping out on some repairs, and he’s doing some sort of mentor program? I don’t know exactly. Anyway, Cyclone suggested we drive together since we’re staying at the same hotel. I told Brigham he’s driving since he insisted on getting this godawful 30-foot pickup truck, which makes me his temporary backseater.”

“Make sure you don’t eat anything before riding with him, or you’ll paint the windshield.” Omaha jokes.

She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Please. If I didn’t hurl after a greenhorn took me up and executed one very poor barrel roll before getting himself grounded, I think I can handle Harvard’s driving.”

“You’ve flown?”

“Was it an FA-18?”

“How do you fuck up a barrel roll?”

“Did you like it?”

Questions are hurled at her from every direction, all the boys interested in the fact that their favorite mechanic had been airborne in the backseat of a fighter jet before they knew her.

“I did like it!”

Bradley’s heart warms a bit when she answers his question first.

“It was an FA-18, and I think we technically hit Mach-1, but my brain has burned the trauma of that hop from my memory. It was fun until that bad maneuver because when I say greenhorn, I mean green. Like as fresh as you can possibly be.” She shutters, only partially joking. “But I didn’t throw up, and that’s a major point of pride for me.”

“It’s only because you hadn’t eaten yet that day.”

The warmth disappears, again, when she smacks Brigham’s arm after he puts her drinks down. “I told you that in confidence! And I think it still counts because I’m a civilian and have done none of the training you guys do.”

“How did you even get permission to fly?” Javy questions, stealing a sip of her water, grinning at her when she glares.

“When I was in Florida, I got close with some of the higher-ups, and one of them arranged for me to go on a simple flight so I could see what it’s like. It was really sweet of him!”

“Who did you sweet talk into getting in a jet?”

“He sweet-talked me! Actually, it was more like he manipulated me. It came up that I’d never been on a flight - which is totally normal for an engineer, by the way - and he egged me on until I agreed to go up.”

“Oh my god, you got suckered into a ride with a flight school newbie? Who managed that?”

“I don’t know if you guys know him. I don’t think he was in Pensacola when you were going through flight school, but it was Admiral-”

“Hey, baby, wanna dance?”

Her face changes immediately, annoyance spreading quickly. “No. I’ve already told you I don’t. Leave me alone.”

“Oh, c’mon, you know you want this-”

“The lady told you no. I suggest you listen to her before we make you listen.” Omaha threatens from his position across the table. Bradley is happy that Neil spoke up before him because he wouldn’t have been so nice about it.

The pushy asshole looks around the table and decides not to press his luck after seeing eight men puffed up, ready to defend their friend.

“What a dick! He had a red wristband on, and he still tried to hit on you!”

“Welcome to being a woman, Mickey. Doesn’t matter if you’ve told them no or if they have a partner. Men will be gross and overbearing if they think it’ll benefit them.”

She sinks back in her chair, sipping her drink and sending a small smile to the boys in thanks. The group disburses a bit, most joining Nat and Callie on the dance floor, leaving Mary sitting with Fritz, Bradley, and Bob.

“Hey, speaking of gross and overbearing, did you hear the rumor that Admiral Cain is coming to the program review next week?”

It perks her back up; she excitedly leans forward, happy to talk about something else.

“Oh! That’s not a rumor, Fritz. That’s 100% true. He’ll be presenting his case for increasing unmanned drone research. But he’s going first on Tuesday, and then he’s back in Washington that same afternoon, so thankfully, we’ll only have to deal with him for a few hours.”

“Thank god, I had to deal with him for a little bit when I was at Norfolk, and he was worst. I know drones are getting more popular for high-risk missions, but they’ll never be able to fully replace pilots.” Billy clinks his bottle against Mary’s glass when she holds it up, swallowing the last of his beer. “You’ll have to excuse me; it looks like my husband wants me to dance with him.”

Bradley watches Mary stare longingly at the dance floor, her eyes following the happy couple dance in perfect sync with each other.

If you hadn’t messed up, that could be the two of you out there.

“So, what parts of program review do you have to sit in on?”

Mary turns, a soft smile on her face - Bradley knows her soft spot for Bob matches his own. Both of them protective over the younger man who cares so much, yet so quietly.

“I have to be there for almost all of it. I’m presenting a few sections, plus I have to do a shop tour and demo, which will be uber fun.” She rolls her eyes, knowing how some admirals like to knit-pick at how a shop is run and organized. “All my free time this week will be finishing my slides and polishing my presentation.”

“Wow, on top of helping with Lemoore’s repairs? You’re gonna be busy these next two weeks.”

“Very busy, but we’ve already done the repairs I’m helping with down here, so theirs should go much smoother! But I'm genuinely excited for program review because I’ll get to see some people I worked with in Florida! I think I’m going to try and poach a few of them that I really miss.”

“You’re gonna steal your friends to work for you?” Bradley regrets the question when he sees her face falter for a split second, realizing his tone wasn’t as joking as intended.

“Yeah, I’m thinking about it. They’re really smart and talented, plus it’d be nice to work with them again.”

The relief that breezes through his chest at her grin and kind tone quickly disappears when Harvard pops up and pulls her toward the dance floor.

“Hang- hang on!” She giggles, turning to Bob. “Would you mind keeping an eye on my purse while Brigham steps on my toes to bad 90s love songs?”

Bob’s, “No problem.” overpowers Harvard’s protests of, “I’m not gonna step on your foot again!”

She pecks his cheek, leaving a faint pink stain behind as she follows the Ohio man onto the dance floor. And for several songs, Bradley's stomach twists as he watches his two friends dance pressed close together.

“Why don’t you go dance with her?”

“She doesn’t want to dance with me.”

Bob scoffs. “You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Bradley, what happened with you two?”

He doesn’t answer; just keeps fiddling with the label on his beer and watching the dance floor. The two sit in uncomfortable silence for the first time in their friendship.

“I fucked up.” He confesses everything to Bob. The night on her couch, their interruption, the tiff just a few days ago. He doesn’t spare any detail, no feelings. “I still don’t know why I didn’t just let her explain! Even if I was mad that she was ignoring me, she had her reasons - she wouldn’t do something like that for no reason!”

Bob is stunned. He doesn’t know what to say to comfort his friend. None of the group’s theories had even been close to the reality of what happened.

“You can’t tell anyone what I just told you, not even Natasha!” Bradley is borderline frantic. “You’re the second person I’ve told, and I don’t know if Mary has told anyone, but I don’t want everyone knowing. I don’t want what happened to be the talk of the group.”

“I won’t tell anyone, Bradley. Not even Nat. But I do get bragging rights when the two of you finally get together.”

“That’s not gonna happen. I messed up too much, man.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be too sure about that.”

He looks where Bob is pointing, watching as Harvard twirls away with a pretty redhead, leaving Mary dancing by herself. They make eye contact, and he can see the gears in her brain working. She turns around, hips swinging hypnotically, and he loses his breath when she peeks over her shoulder at him. Bradley’s heart soars when she wiggles a finger at him.

She’s calling me over. Maybe I didn’t totally fuck this up.

His joy is short-lived. The same red wristband asshole as before getting in her space, trying to grab her ass as she pushes him away. Bradley practically falls out of his chair to get to her.

“Get away from me!” Mary pushes the stranger’s hands off and stumbles back from the force, colliding with Bradley’s chest as he comes to help.

He steps forward, angling his body to shield her as she tucks herself into his side. “She’s told you to leave her alone at least twice now. Walk away before we have a problem.”

The sleazy man rolls his eyes, “Whatever, man.”

“No, not “whatever,” man.” Bradley steps forward, disregarding Mary tugging on his arm. Her pleas for him to stop falling on deaf ears. “You’re going to apologize to her.”

“For what? The fat bitch probably liked it. She’s practically begging for it in that dress.”

Bradley doesn’t even think. He lunges, ignoring Mary’s yell for him to stop and taking the asshole down with one punch. He doesn’t get a second one, security interfering and escorting all three out.

The rest of the Daggers make their way outside, everyone awkwardly huddled together as Mary assures the bouncers that she is safe to leave with Bradley, that he’s her friend who was just protecting her from the other man’s unwanted advances.

She’s mad when she joins them. A quiet anger that's palpable, making them all stay quiet instead of joking around like usual.

“Thanks for planning this, Nat. It was really fun until about five minutes ago. I’ll text you about dinner.” She says to the girls, giving Bob a small smile when he hands over her clutch. “Bradley is going to drive me home, but you guys should keep having fun. Brigham, let me know when you want to leave tomorrow, and I’ll see the rest of you when I get back from Lemoore.”

Her clipped tone and her heels furiously clicking on the sidewalk are the only physical indicators of her anger. The group watches her go, stunned. In the year since they were introduced to Mary, it’s the only time they’ve seen her get close to losing her cool.

They had seen her defend herself against misogynistic pilots, making them feel foolish without even raising her voice. They watched her bite her tongue when admirals talked down to her because of her age, letting Mav or Cyclone handle it. In the past eleven months, they had witnessed her ability to handle difficult situations with poise and grace.

But tonight was too much.

After having to deal with yet another demeaning asshole and Bradley’s rash, unwanted heroics, the rage simmering below the surface of her skin was threatening to finally break through.

Bradley follows at a slower pace, keeping an eye on her but giving her space to breathe. He startles at someone grabbing his shoulder, turning with wide eyes to find Bob with a determined look on his face.

“Take her home and apologize; let her explain before you explain your side, okay?” Bradley nods, giving a small smile to his friend. “It’s all gonna be fine; you are made for each other. You can tell me all about how right I am tomorrow morning.”

He makes his way to the car, unlocking and opening the door for Mary, the tiny bit of hope from Bob’s pep talk disappearing when he realizes that she’s giving him the silent treatment. Climbing into the front seat and ignoring the hand he offers, closing the door herself and choosing to stare out the passenger window when Bradley sides into the Bronco.

The drive to her house is quiet; the only sound is the oldies station Bradley turns on in hopes of getting Mary to talk to him. The closer they get to their destination, the more he goes from sad to annoyed.

I was just trying to help. She doesn’t need to ignore me.

They’re both fuming by the time he pulls into the driveway. She slips out of the car, hoping he’ll just go home, but he’s following behind her to the house. One step over the threshold, and he can’t take it anymore.

“Are you gonna stop ignoring me, or should I just go home?”

He watches her shoulders stiffen and feels his stomach drop her eerily calm expression. “I don’t know. Are you actually going to listen to me? Or are you just going to tell me that we should just forget this happened, too?”

“Don’t put that on all on me! This isn’t all my fault! You ignored me for an entire month!”

“Yes! Yes, I did!” She slams her hand on her kitchen island. “And then, when I tried to explain, you didn’t let me say anything! You just said we should forget everything that happened and move on! So I tried to forget! I tried to respect your wishes! But tonight, all you could do was watch me dance with other men!”

His mouth drops open; he didn’t realize she had noticed.

“Yeah! I noticed - you pilots have all the subtly of an elephant in a firework shop with its tail on fire! It’s one or the other, Bradley! We either forget what happened and we see other people, or we talk about what happened and go from there! There’s no in-between option where you get to be upset whenever I flirt with a man that’s not you! So what’s it gonna be? Are we moving on, or are we having a conversation?”

He can’t get words to come out. He knows what he wants, but he can’t speak.

“Well, Bradley?”

Say something, dumbass! She’s not going to wait forever.

She scoffs, rubbing her hands over her face. “I’m going to shower. If you’re still here when I’m done, we’ll talk. If you’re gone, well, then I have my answer.”

He’s frozen in her dining room, wincing back to reality at her bedroom door slamming shut. His phone is ringing before he realizes what he’s doing.

“Rooster? Everything okay?”

“I think I fucked up.” He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even further. “We fought, man. She noticed I was watching her tonight and yelled at me for not letting her talk last week.”

“Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

“I’m in her living room.”

“You’re still there? She didn’t kick you out?”

“She said if I’m still here when she’s done showering, we’ll talk about everything.”

“You’re a fucking idiot, Bradley.” Bob’s eye-roll is audible on the other end. “Sit down and wait for her to finish showering so you can talk. If she wanted you to leave, she would have no problem sending you packing.”

“You think?”

“She was two seconds from throwing a wrench at my head last week, and I’m her favorite.”

“Well, I don’t know about favor-”

“I am. Now, sit down, shut up, and wait for her.”

The line clicks, and he decides to listen to the advice, depositing his wallet and keys on her entryway table before sitting on her couch. Sinking into the middle cushion, he thinks about the last time he’d been on this piece of furniture.

“You’re so hard.” He’s not sure why she’s surprised. She has to know she’s had him on the verge of an erection since she opened her door this morning.

“You’ve been pressed against me for two hours in these tiny little shorts with no bra on, and you smell good.” He shrugs, feeling sheepish as he explains what got him going.

“Bradley..” The way she says his name borders on a moan, and he can’t help the noise he makes when she pulls his hair.

If she does that again, I’m going to cum.

He grabs her ass and pulls her as close as he can, brushing his other hand up her thigh and boldly dipping into the leg of her pajama shorts, enjoying the scalloped edge of her panties. Their lips brush, and he’s about to move his hand to the gusset of her underwear - he needs to know how wet she is for him - when they’re interrupted.

Between reliving that moment and crafting his apology, he doesn’t hear the shower turn off or her footsteps coming down the hall, only noticing her when she sits in the chair furthest from him.

“I’m sorry-” They start to apologize at the same time.

“I’d like to go first if you don’t mind?” She requests, taking a deep breath when he nods in agreement. “I want to start by apologizing for the last month. It was wrong of me to kick you out that night and then ignore you for a month, and I wish I hadn’t done it.”

“Why did you?”

“Because I got scared. That night… I never do things like that. I never make the first move or act that bold. So the fact that I just climbed on your lap like that - without thinking about it or second-guessing myself - freaked me out. By the time I got Annie back to sleep, I had completely psyched myself out, and I was convinced you didn’t actually want me.”

“That’s- I- did I give any indication that I didn’t want you?” He sputters the question, unsure how she could think that.

“It’s nothing you did, Bradley. It’s all on me, my insecurities. Men rarely - if ever - have had the same… enthusiasm that you did. You were great; this is a me problem.”

“I don’t understand.” He leans forward, wanting to get closer without crossing the boundary she set with her seat choice. “If everything was so great, what went wrong?”

“I’m fat, Bradley.”

He sits up straight, shocked at her words. What does that have to do with anything?

“I’m sorry, I still don’t get what the problem is.”

“I know you don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman, but please believe me when I tell you it’s hard. People are constantly policing and judging your body. Men will just tell you what they think of your body, what they think is wrong with it - unprovoked. And it’s even worse when you’re fat.” She leans back, hugging a pillow to her chest. “I know you didn’t do any of that. But I’ve been fat since I was a kid, so I’ve heard it all for years. And not just men, but from family too. It’s hard to shake those experiences, to ignore the insecurities and just enjoy the moment.”

They sit in silence for a minute, Mary refusing to make eye contact while Bradley tries to figure out his next move.

“Can I come over there?”

The question surprises her, but she nods. His choice to kneel in front of her is another surprise; he can tell from her eyebrows reaching her hairline.

“I’m gonna take this, okay?” He gently tugs the pillow from her hands, tossing it on the couch so there’s nothing between them. When Bradley sees her shirt, his breath hitches in his throat.

She’s wearing his sweatshirt.

“Sorry,” she says shyly, noticing his stare. “I’ve been wearing it to bed; I promise I’ll wash it.”

And as much as he wants to linger in the revelation that she’s been sleeping in his clothes, he pushes through.

“Mary, I’m going to be very honest with you because I need you to understand how much I wanted you that night. Sitting there with you in my lap? That’s the hardest I’ve ever been; I think about it all the time. How warm and soft you were.” He slips his hands into hers. “And I know what you look like. I like the way you look. I like everything about you. Everything. Even the things you don’t like about yourself. You’re so gorgeous.”

He wipes her cheek, brushing a tear away.

“This past month hasn’t changed how I feel about you. I still want you. I’ve never not wanted you. I’ve had a crush on you since the moment Danielle dragged you through the front door of the Hard Deck.”

“Bradley…”

“Not done, still my turn.” He leans up, getting closer to her to get his point across. “I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to fix this sooner. I was trying to give you the space you wanted, but that was a mistake. After the first week, I should have told you how I was feeling, what I wanted.”

“What do you want now?” Her voice is tiny, and his heart breaks at how uncertain she sounds.

“Still you, honey. I know I said we should forget what happened, but I don’t want to forget. I want to do that again without getting interrupted this time. I want to take you out on a date. I want you. If you’ll have me.”

He watches Mary wrestle with her thoughts, her mouth opening and closing, not sure how to say what she’s thinking. “Just tell me, Mary, whatever it is. I want you to be honest with me.”

“I want that too. I want you. But I’m not sure if I’m ready for it right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“How long have you been flirting with me?” She nudges him back, scooting forward in her chair so her knees brush his chest.

He doesn’t understand the question but answers anyway, wrapping his hands around her legs, stroking his thumbs over her soft skin. “Since that night we met, I didn’t do too good of a job since you spent the evening playing darts with Jake, but that’s how long.”

“That was last January. You’ve been flirting with me for an entire calendar year. And I’m so oblivious that I didn’t even realize you were interested until you were grabbing my ass and moaning against my mouth.” She rubs her face. “So I just need some time to process this because I never thought this - us -could be an option.”

“Okay, how much time are you thinking? How do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know… there’s no free time. I’m gone this week, and next week is program review and prepping you guys for deployment. Then you’re in the middle of the ocean for two months.”

“Doesn’t really leave a lot of time for us, does it?” He jokes, squeezing her calves. “We’ll be back the first week of May. There’ll be a few days of debriefing, but then I’m on leave. Why don’t we grab dinner that Sunday? It can be as friends or as something more, whatever you want - whatever you’re ready for at that point. How does that sound?”

“You’re okay with waiting that long?”

“Mariella, it’s been a year, and nothing has changed since I saw you in that red dress. A few extra weeks where we’re just friends? That’s nothing if it means you’re comfortable.”

“I’m sorry I’m so bad at this.”

“Stop it. This isn’t all on you; I haven’t been the best either.” Bradley’s voice is firm, making sure she’s not placing the entire blame on herself. “We’ll work on it. We’re smart people; we can figure it out.”

“Thank you for being so understanding. I really am sorry about how I acted.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

Feeling lighter than they have in weeks, they look at each other and laugh when Mary yawns, her face scrunching up.

“Okay, honey, I think it’s time to get you to bed.” He stands, pulling her into a hug. “I’ll call you when you’re at Lemoore, okay? We’ll talk about our days, and you can complain about Harvard.”

“Why would I complain about Brigham?” She blinks up at him, her eyebrows creasing after a second. “Wait! Are you saying goodbye? You can’t drive home right now; it’s too late!”

He tries to argue but is cut off by her finger pointing at the clock, the two hands telling him it’s almost three in the morning. “Shit, I didn’t realize it was so late.”

“C’mon.” She pulls on his hand, leading him down the hall.

“What are we doing?”

“Going to bed?” She squeaks when he abruptly stops, tugging her off balance.

“Mary, I’m sleeping on the couch.”

Her face is baffled. “Bradley, you’re too tall; it won’t be comfortable. We can share my bed; we’re adults. We can handle it.”

His heart thumps. He wants nothing more than to crawl into bed with her, but he’s afraid of how his body might react to being next to her all night.

“Mary, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You won’t. I also want you to be comfortable, so if you don’t want to share, I’ll take the couch, and you take my bed.”

“But-”

“This is the whole communication thing we just talked about. Believe me when I say that sharing my king-sized bed with you for one night won’t make me uncomfortable.”

Bradley stares into her eyes, searching for any hint of hesitation. “Okay, lead the way then, Vertucci.”

It’s awkward for a moment in her bedroom, the two of them trying to navigate this new situation together. But after some blushing and a few stuttered words, they figure it out. He’s just finished brushing his teeth when they discover that Bradley’s preferred side of the bed matches hers.

“Two peas in a pod.” He jokes as he starts to climb into bed, heart fluttering at the bashful smile on her face.

“What are you doing?”

He freezes, covers pulled back with his knee raised. “Uhhh… getting into bed?”

“Not like that, you’re not.” His wide eyes must give away his confusion and panic because she continues. “Bradley, you are not climbing into my bed, which has nice fresh sheets, with those clothes you wore to the club. God knows what’s on those chairs we sat on.”

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“You are wearing underwear, right?” He nods, feeling baffled by how this night has progressed. “Then strip, you’re sleeping in your undies.”

Bradley stands there, looking at her snuggled under her quilt, bathed in the soft light of her nightstand lamp, and still wearing his name on her arm. Based on how serious she looks, he’s pretty sure she’s unaware of how flirty her words sound. If she was any other woman, he would make an effort to flirt back, try his best to be sexy as he undresses. Turn it into a striptease.

But it’s Mary, and they just got back to a good place.

So he undresses how he does when he’s alone. Unbuttoning his black shirt methodically, taking note of how her breath hitches when he pulls the tight material off, but not doing anything about it. If he has any control over their situation, there will be plenty of opportunities in the future to make her lose her breath.

He does allow himself to make eye contact while he undoes his jeans, unable to pass up the chance to watch her watch him. He sees her scan his body, can see the hunger in her eyes, can hear the small gulp when she sees the waistband of his underwear appear. He stays steady, folding the pants and draping them over his shirt before slipping under the covers, keeping a respectful distance between them.

“Gonna turn the light out?”

She blinks at him as she processes the question, her eyes hazy from the late hour, and he thinks about how he would love to have this view every night for the rest of his life. He watches as she rolls over, eyes slipping down to the skin that’s exposed when she leans to turn the lamp off. She ends up closer when she rolls back towards him; he can feel the heat of her body radiating towards him.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Mary’s voice is soft, like being too loud will ruin the small bubble they’ve created for themselves. “Do you like pancakes?”

The question makes him think of his mom, how she used to make pancakes on special occasions and sometimes just because it was Tuesday. He never makes them for himself.

“They’re my favorite. Do you make good pancakes?”

“I make the best pancakes.” He can’t see her face, but he can hear her smile. “Night, Bradley.”

He mummers good night back, enjoying the way the mattress moves as she gets comfortable. The scent of her shampoo drifts over him, resurrecting the question that he’d been asking himself for a month.

“Mary? Can I ask you a question?” His voice is quiet, scared to ruin things but needing to know the answer.

She hums, “What’s up?”

“That night. If we hadn’t gotten interrupted, what do you think would have happened?” It’s quiet. He can hear her hands playing with the edge of the sheet, fingers nervously folding and unfolding the cotton. “I’m sorry, you don’t have-”

“No, it’s okay, Bradley.” A hand brushes his chest, warm fingers ghosting over his skin in search of his hand. She continues once their fingers are intertwined. “If we hadn’t been interrupted, we would have had sex. We would’ve made out for a while, and then I would have ridden you right there on the chaise.”

“Fuck…”

She makes a small noise of agreement. “I don’t know about after, though, if we would have had a better go of things that we have. It might have been worse, I’m not sure.”

“Can’t change the past. I’m just glad we’re fixing things now.”

“Me too.” Mary presses a small kiss to the tip of his fingers, squeezing his hand before rolling over. “Good night, Bradley; sleep well.”

“Night, Mary.”

I think I’m falling in love with you.

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fic tag | credit for dividers here

[venomous--fics]

Anon Requested: Omg wait can i request a fic where reader feels like they aren’t good enough for eddie and venom so reader breaks up with them and eddies sad and just a lot of angst (BUT happy ending) if not thats okay !

A/n: Day 5!! I'm think about just extending the weekathon to the entire month! Not too sure yet, but I should decide quickly huh!! I just think it'd be fun to do something like that. Maybe get more and more festive along the way. What do you think?

Song: Halley's Comet by Billie Eilish

"So, that's just it? You're just gonna up and leave and not tell us why?"

He wanted to sound mad, but his voice gave it all away. You couldn't stand the thought of what you were doing to them both. You couldn't even bring yourself to look at them as you left. You didn't even bother to grab your things. You just left emptyhanded.

Subconsciously, maybe you knew you'd find your way back eventually. But...Not now.

The weight of the world began to crush you with every step you took away from their place. You knew they were watching you from the window. If you had to leave, they'd at least make sure you'd stay safe.

It all felt like a cruel punchline to an unfunny joke. How could you be such a fool to think you'd be good for them? They....They were a protector. A lethal one, but still a protector. They helped people and saved the world from every threat imaginable. You sometimes couldn't even drag yourself out of bed.

It didn't seem fair to drag them down like that. They deserved better. They deserved the world, and you just couldn't give them that. Someday they'd find someone who would.

That night was spent alone on a friend's spare guest bed. The world was so quiet. There were no streetlights beaming into your room. There was no more sounds of late night traffic or the people talking and walking as they passed under your shared window.

There was no more fighting Venom for the comforter because he'd purposely hog it just to get your attention. It always worked. There wasn't the usually jokes about forgetting to set your alarms for the work morning ahead.

You simply set your alarm and laid down. The world seemed so much colder and emptier. It didn't seem fun and bright anymore. The bed felt much more spacious now.. The pillows felt too squishy and new. The sheets looked nothing like his.

Staring at the wall wasn't going to put you to sleep any faster, so you rolled over and clamped your eyes shut. You willed yourself to not cry.

The tv kept repeating the same old stuff. Robbery after robbery. Someone got shot. A car accident. Oh, it's going to rain tomorrow.

We should be fixing that..

"I don't feel like doing anything anymore."

"I don't feel like doing anything anymore either, V."

There was an uncomfortable silence. Normally there'd be some form of a pep talk from you, but now.. Your spot on the couch was empty. All that was there to suggest that you even existed was your favorite throw pillow.

With hesitation, Eddie grabbed the pillow and held it in his lap. It still looked brand new, and that's simply because you always knew how to take care of things. Nothing of yours ever really got broken or misplaced..And you always knew just how to handle things.

"I miss them."

A thought they shared in common. It's felt like months, but it's only been a couple of weeks. Your things were still occupying space here. It was almost torturous having to look at them each day and know that you weren't going to come home.

It was that thought that broke them both. They curled up on the couch, sad and defeated. The world was incomplete because you weren't here to make ti better. A rough day at work? You'd say, "Oh, don't worry." as you made some hot coco to relax with. Emotions getting out of control? You were always there with ways to fix them.

Did they take you for granted? Did they forget to cherish you? Did they do something wrong? Everyone always told them that they were just screwups who ruined everything, so maybe they just fucked it up again.

Maybe they'd learn to live with it. Just not today.

It's just not home anymore. Home is where you were.

The rain was awfully heavy today. But you were thankful. Today was hitting you harder than the last few. You were stumbling down the sidewalk, tears streaming down your face. Nothing seemed to hold any meaning anymore. You'd pass by Mrs. Chen's shop, and normally you'd stop by there to get Eddie and V a snack or two. But now, you simply keep walking.

Today you just let your body walk. To where? Wherever you felt like you needed to go. You were so tired, and so worn down. That only help cement in the fact that you just... You were an absolute nobody. Who could love a nobody?

If only you were born gifted with the brains, the talents or even the powers. Maybe you'd be worth something. Maybe you'd see yourself as more. Maybe if you felt like you held any importance to anyone, you'd find a reason to stick around anywhere, with anyone.

Despite wanted to be more to literally anyone, all you could think is being better for them. They meant so much, no, no, they mean so much to you. It felt so dumb and childish to be so hung up on two of the goofiest creatures on this planet. You couldn't lie to anyone. You were hopelessly in love with Eddie Brock, a man who truly was a breed of his own. And you were in love with Venom, an alien with a heart bigger than his stomach but he's too embarrassed to say it.

You don't want to love them anymore. Because you still believe it was better to not be with them.

You slumped against a light post and wiped your eyes. You tried everything to stop the tears from flowing, but that only made them multiply. You'd scold yourself if you had the energy.

The world really did begin to feel more and more empty. People seemed to walk pass and not even give you a second glance. None of them cared, and to be honest, neither did you. Normally you never noticed other people, because you'd be so wrapped up in whatever it was you and Eddie, and yes, Venom too, were doing.

But they aren't here anymore. You were back to where you started. Alone and afraid of what the world had in store. You used to wake up knowing what you'd be doing...But now you weren't sure.

You remained leaned against the streetlight for an eternity. The sun had set and the moon had risen, yet you remained put. Everything was cold now. The rain had subsided, but the light continued to drip down on you, but even then, you didn't have the willpower to move.

It's better to be cold than to have never been warm, right? That is how the saying goes...Right?

You sniffled, waiting for the next set of drops to hit your head, but they never did. You slowly looked up and saw someone's hands holding up a jacket. They looked like they were doing their best to hold it up like an umbrella, and without touching you. You recognized the jacket immediately, even just from seeing the inside of it. You'd worn it so many times.

You stood up straight and turned around, being greeted with the sight of Eddie. He looked just as tired as you, and just as lost. He looked like he had a million things to say, but it seems like the cat had his tongue.

The universe was giving you a chance. For some reason.

"I'm sorry." was the first thing to spill out of your mouth.

"We're sorry, too."

"You didn- It was me. I was.." You took a step back from under the jacket, but it seems like Venom wasn't having any of that. He moved Eddie's body for him, this time, draping the jacket on your shoulders.

You gently crossed your arms and held them close, appreciating the gesture now.

"You can leave now. If you want." Eddie moved back a little, "We just saw that you were cold.."

"I don't want to go." you gripped onto the jacket, trying to fight the new wave of tears threatening to come out, "I just.. I had to because I felt like I wasn't good enough."

You were about to ramble on when Eddie cut you off, "That's why you left?"

"I'm sorry." You felt like you could just curl up and die on the sidewalk.

You looked down, staring at the cracks that littered the walkway. You'd find someway to make this poetic.

Two hands, one human and the other very much not, wrapped themselves around you as they pulled you into a warm embrace.

"Did we make you feel that way?"

The way Eddie's voice cracked made your arms go limp at your sides.

"No. I made myself feel that way- But I can't help it. You guys do so much good and I-"

"We love you."

The hug got tighter, "We used to do what we did because it was the right thing to do. But then we met you and it all changed. It seems so cliche to say that, but...It's true."

"You're just saying that."

"We adore you. We promised to do everything we can to make sure we leave this world a better place for you."

Your hands shook as your fought with yourself. You wanted to hold them just as close as they were holding you, but you felt-

"I don't deserve this.."

Unworthy.

In typical Brock fashion, and never knowing how to truly deal with his emotions, Eddie clung to you, almost pleading, "Would you just listen to what we're saying."

"You can't love me."

"Why the hell not? Huh? Whose going to stop us?"

"Nobody's going to stop us."

"Why is it me. Out of all the worthy people, why me?"

"You're such a good person. I know you don't see that..But you're the kindest person I've ever met."

"Certainly the nicest I've met..."

Every last word you wanted to yell out into the night sky just vanished from your mind. You wrapped your arms around Eddie and squeezed as hard as you could.

"How many times do we have to say it to make you believe it?"

"I'll say it a billion times," Eddie said, "Most guys would quit at a million but me? I don't know when to quit."

"It's true. He doesn't. But if saying it a billion times gets you to come home, then I'd do it a million more than him."

"I," You started, taking in a deep shaky breath, "I wanna go home regardless."

"We can talk more there if you're comfortable."

"With coco."

"I would like that."

The walk home was a talkative one.

Eddie's hand held yours tightly, but not too tight. He was so afraid that if he didn't hold it firmly enough, you'd simply slip away again. He was sure as hell not letting that happen again.

The apartment looked the exact same as when you left. You were so surprised by that. Normally they'd be a mess if you were gone for too long, and the apartment would reflect that.

"It all looks the same."

"Oh. Yeah." Eddie busied himself with fetching the hot chocolate ingredients.

"We couldn't bring ourselves to ruin your hard work...Or move your things." For the first time, Venom seemed sad.

They both seemed tired. You wanted to feel bad, knowing that they felt that way because of you. But knowing that they loved you meant that they felt bad, not because of you, but because you were gone.

Without thinking, your hand reached out and grabbed Eddie's arm, startling him a little.

"Can we go lay down for a little bit.." you asked quietly, "I think we all need a little rest."

Relief washed over him as he set down the cups and lead the way to the bedroom. There was no more words as you three crashed onto the mattress. Venom used a small tendril to turn the lamp off and pull you closer to Eddie.

"Are you okay with loving a nobody like me?" you asked as you watched him shut his eyes.

"Are you okay with loving two nobodies?"

"We are all losers."

Venom pulled a blanket over you and Eddie, going so far as to fluff the pillows under your heads.

"And that's okay. I love us the way we all are."

You yawned for the first time in ages as your eyes closed, "I love us too."

There was that familiar light coming through the window. And there was the sounds of the cars and the people. The world felt just right and you were home. You moved closer to Eddie and placed a quick, soft kiss on his lips, and his arms were quick to wrap around you.

You felt a soft tendril wrap around your arm.

"I know what you're feeling and what you're thinking." His voice sounded surprisingly quiet, "But you are more than enough for us. We don't say it, but sometimes we feel the same way. You could certainly do better than us. But.."

The tendril tighten a little, but not enough to really do much.

"You left and we realized...We don't know what to do without you. We didn't feel like doing anything anymore. It felt pointless."

You turned your head to look at your arm, seeing two small white eyes staring at you with a mixture of sadness and adoration.

"I know I'm not good with these human emotions..I might never be good with them, but..I know that I love you. And Eddie loves you too. We always try our best to show you..But you are truly all we need to be happy in this life."

You were a bit shocked with how much Venom had to say. Most of the time, he tried to use the least amount of words possible to get his point across, so you knew that he meant it.

"You both complete me, and for once, I finally have the courage to say it, because I don't know when I'll get the chance to say it again."

You smiled softly at him, and moved your arm in a way where you could place a soft kiss onto the top of his tiny little worm head.

"I won't leave again. I promise we can talk about it first."

"Talking is good."

"I love you, V."

"I love you too." He seemed to pause as he shot a glance up to Eddie, just to make sure he was still asleep, "More than that guy."

"Not possible." Eddie groaned, adjusting a little.

You smiled a little as you curled up under the blanket and actually shut your eyes for good for the night. Finally, a good night's rest. You still had doubts, maybe not many and none as big and frightening as before, but that was normal.

Not everything in life is a given or a certainty. You're not promised to tomorrow and it's not a give that you'll be a millionaire. But where you are now is where you're supposed to be. Don't doubt it. The two halves of your heart will quite literally walk to the ends of the universe just to see you smile, and that's more than enough for you.

[haadeswrites]

Elysium

god this fic took forever i’m so sorry!! but hey, first fic on the new blog! <33 also y’all should really thank @iwaasfairy who listened to me complain about this fic for a solid month, she’s the reason it got finished

Cult leader Oikawa Tooru x female reader

tw: indoctrination, extremely dubious consent, blood, yandere themes, religious themes, minor character death, implied abuse & drug use, mild smut, nsfw

The island itself is breathtaking

Pristine beaches with gleaming white sand, vast swathes of lush, green rainforest and waterfalls that cascade into shimmering pools of crystal clear water. Untouched, undisturbed; a paradise. At least, that’s how Ryuji had described it. 

Paradise, but only in the sense that a gingerbread cottage in the middle of the woods is paradise to a lost and hungry child. 

He hadn’t been wrong. Bare feet sink into soft, white sand as you climb from the boat - the warmth just toeing the line between pleasant and burning. Gentle waves ebb and flow behind you, and there’s a light breeze that kisses your skin, the taste of seasalt carrying in the wind. Home, it seems to sing.

A laugh sounds somewhere in the distance, yet the only other figure on the beach is a man walking steadily towards you. He smiles when he sees you’ve noticed him; friendly, non-threatening. It’s a far cry from the swarming welcoming committee you’d been dreading, and you wonder if that’s somehow intentional as well. 

As the boat pushes back out to sea he comes to a stop before you, “I’m Makki,” he says, pushing the fringe of his hair back and giving you a not-so-subtle once over. Whatever he sees must meet approval, because his grin only widens, “Welcome to the Commune.”

Ryuji wasn’t wrong; the island is a beautiful, deadly thing.

—

You’d never heard of the Commune before the phone call. 

And maybe that shouldn’t be so surprising. You’ll be the first to admit you’re hardly an expert, but from what you do know, groups like the Commune – cults – don’t spring up out of thin air and start broadcasting their mistreatment and systematic abuse. 

They’re not the kind of people that have sweet old ladies clutching their pearls and mothers shepherding their children away – at least, not in the beginning. Not entirely. They’re not out to recruit extremists to further their cause, they choose to prey on the vulnerable, the lost and the disillusioned. Those easily manipulated. You suspect that’s why when you google the Commune, all you find is a website for what essentially looks like a long term luxury wellness retreat.

‘The Commune is about healing and harmony, about returning to nature, supporting one another to forge a brighter, more holistic future together… a self-sufficient community living apart from technology and other evils of modern society.’ 

You fight the urge to roll your eyes as you scroll through. There’s a whisper of philosophical teachings woven throughout, a page dedicated to their founder, Oikawa Tooru – smiling handsomely in every single picture, because what would a burgeoning cult be without a charismatic leader – but there’s not enough.

So here you are, on an island hundreds of miles away from home living amongst strangers; because Ryuji wouldn’t have sounded so terrified if this was just some alternate, free-loving bunch of hippies.

And even with all that he’d told you, everything you thought you’d be prepared for, the Commune is like nothing you could’ve imagined. 

Makki introduces you to Asuka, a woman only a few years older than yourself, dark haired and stunningly beautiful, and winks as he tells her to take you under her wing. She smiles brightly, eyes twinkling, and pulls you into a heartfelt hug – as if you’ve known each other your whole lives.

“We’re so glad you’re here!” she beams.

You’d like to hate her. 

It feels like you're supposed to, sometimes; when she gets that dreamy look in her eyes and starts talking about Oikawa and the Commune and how lucky everyone here on the island is. Yet there’s something about her – the genuine warmth she emanates maybe, or the kindness in her eyes – that makes it difficult for you not to like her.

“You should come to the gathering tomorrow,” she hums idly one afternoon, maybe a week or so after your arrival. The two of you are sitting on the edge of the pier, legs dangling down into the water, tangled fishing nets to be repaired strewn between you.

“I always go,” you reply.

She laughs, fixing you with a knowing look, “And sit right at the very back, all but running off the moment we finish?” 

And your traitorous heart skips a beat. 

“It’s okay to take things slowly,” she says. “We understand that being a part of the Commune is a big change from the life you knew, and that not everybody is able to see what we see and embrace those changes.” 

Asuka sets down the knot she’s working through and reaches for your hand, a gentle smile on her face, “But you shouldn’t be afraid. You’re meant to be here, I can feel it. You just need to stop fighting against it; surrender yourself to us, to the island, and everything’ll make sense, I promise.”

It’s dangerous territory. One wrong word could set off alarm bells, yet you can’t help pressing just a little.

“Do you ever miss it, then? Life outside the Commune?” 

Your family. Friends. The life you left behind before you came here to be brainwashed like all of the others.

“Why would I?” she answers without missing a beat, and it’s hard to ignore the bitter flicker of disappointment you feel at her answer. “The island provides for us, we don’t have to spend our days selling off tiny pieces of ourselves just to make ends meet. It’s paradise here, and we have Oikawa to thank for that. Why would I ever want to go back?”

Silence falls between you as you struggle to think of something to say to salvage the situation. Yet Asuka isn’t even looking at you, instead staring out at the water with a strangely pensive expression. 

“Did you know I was married once?” The words seemingly out of the blue, you can only shake your head. For a moment, she doesn’t reply, watching as the waves rise and crash offshore. And then;

“I was young, eighteen or so, fresh out of high school and he was a small town cop.” Her eyes flicker to yours, and your heart clenches at the sadness and pain echoing there. “I thought he was a good man, once upon a time.”

A chord strikes deep, your chest tightening involuntarily at her words. It’s not the same, of course it’s not the same, and yet… 

No. You stop the errant thought in its tracks. Groups like the Commune prey on the vulnerable, you know this. People like Ryuji, like Asuka, like–

Her fingers squeeze around yours, pulling you back to the present. “Come to the gathering tomorrow. Listen to Oikawa, it’ll help.”

—

She doesn’t give you a choice in the matter – dragging you by the hand to sit right at the front of the gathered crowd that very night.

Oikawa’s handsomer up close; tall and dark haired with pretty eyes and long, sweeping lashes that frame delicate cheekbones, it’s not hard for you to see how a man like him has amassed such an impassioned following. 

Once he starts actually speaking, however, you realise that his good looks and charming smile are just the tip of the iceberg. Oikawa’s utterly captivating as he preaches about the cycle of life and death and the paradise that awaits his faithful. Passionate and engaging, he speaks like he truly believes every word of the lies he’s spreading. 

And Asuka, her friends, the others gathered, they eat up every word like it’s gospel truth, resounding cheers and thunderous applause deafening around you. In the midst of the rapturous din, Oikawa’s eyes flit to yours.

Slowly, he smiles – a dazzling grin that makes your stomach flip – and everything; Asuka, the noise, the others swarming around you, it all fades away.

For one electrifying heartbeat, you’re frozen in place. Just you and Oikawa, trapped in the pull of each other’s gaze.

—

You can’t forget the reason you came.

But it’s… difficult, in a way you struggle to understand. You only have one purpose for being here, one goal; find Ryuji and bring him home. 

And yet, some days it’s like there’s a fog in your mind, and you have to focus to remember why you’re here at all. You catch yourself laughing with Asuka and her friends, the days passing by in a blur of endless, easy distractions. 

It barely feels like work when you’re sitting under the shade of the trees, eating the fruits you’ve picked by hand – ripe and sweet, unlike anything you’ve ever tasted – diving off waterfalls into the crystalline water and meandering down the shore collecting seashells. Even when you are working, mending clothes or cooking with the others, it fills you with a sense of contentment you can’t quite explain. 

Like you’re a part of something bigger. Like you’re doing something that matters.

Ryuji becomes a distant thought. A whisper in the back of your head, a niggling in your gut, easily brushed aside and ignored until there’s a moment of quiet. In the dead of night, the balmy summer night’s breeze kissing your bare skin, you lie awake, lost in memories of the last time you’d seen him. 

Fists angrily pounding at your door, the yelling that gave way to sobs and the hoarse, desperate pleas that followed. Ryuji’s face; pupils blown wide and eyes rimmed in red, darting restlessly around as he held you too tight and begged–

Rolling over in bed, you gaze out your window at the star flecked sky, the shadows of the forest that lie at your doorstep, and wonder what it is that scares you more; that you’ve lost track of the days you’ve been here, and saving Ryuji is starting to feel like an afterthought, or that you could so easily forget all of it, find a place here in the Commune and be happy.

‘The island, it–it fucks with your head.’

Ryuji’d told you that, and you’d brushed it off as paranoia. You need to find him. Find him and get the hell outta dodge.

You can deal with the fallout later.

—

Kiyoshi. 

He’d mentioned the name a few times amidst his rambling – a friend of his on the island. You’re annoyed with yourself for not thinking of it sooner, however much like Ryuji himself, trying to focus and remember the name is like wading through thick mud.

Once you do, though, finding him amongst the hundred and fifty or so inhabitants is the easy part. 

There’s no strict division between genders within the Commune, however Kyoshi, despite his somewhat lean stature, is among the builders of the island and his path doesn’t often cross with yours. 

From Asuka you find out that he’s been a part of the Commune for years now, before even she joined, and that he mostly sticks to himself, though you’ve seen him chatting quietly to a few of the other men, a perpetually angry looking blonde in particular.

It’s the last part that piques her interest, “Why’re you so curious, anyway?” she asks, her face lighting up as a sudden thought occurs. “Do you want me to introduce you two? To be honest, I didn’t think he’d be your type, if you’re interested, though…”

Cheeks aflame, you’re quick to shut her down. “No, no, nothing like that. I’ve just… seen him around and we’ve never really spoken, I guess.”

A lame excuse, though mercifully she lets the subject drop without too much prodding.

Therein, of course, lies the problem. Walking up to Kyoshi and casually trying to drop Ryuji into the conversation without raising red flags is risky, but what other options do you have? You’ve already spent too much time on this island.

Although, maybe Asuka has the right idea. 

While you hadn’t been lying when you said you weren’t interested in Kyoshi in that way, nobody else knew that. Who would really look twice at the shy newbie striking up a conversation with the quiet, easygoing man? He wasn’t unattractive per se, and from the brief interactions you’d seen of him, he seemed kind enough.

You have enough patience (barely) to wait for dusk the following night. There’s a celebration, something about the full moon and a blessing on the island and the Commune– you hadn’t really been paying attention when Oikawa had spoken about it. Still, it’s too good an opportunity to pass up. With the fire pits crackling, and the dancing and music and the sweet honey wine flowing freely, nobody will be paying too much attention to what you’ll be doing. Hopefully, the alcohol will also serve to lower Kiyoshi’s guard, and perhaps if you’re really, really lucky, loosen his tongue as well. 

Of course, you’re not banking on him telling you exactly where Ryu is or what happened to him– and that’s assuming he actually knows – but at this point you’ll take anything over the nothing you currently have. A tiny slip up, that’s all you’re asking for. 

As the sun descends beyond the horizon, you play your role well, laughing and chatting amongst friends, sipping carefully at the cup of wine in your hand as you wait for an opening. And perhaps it’s your nerves working against you, but you find that it’s not just Kiyoshi your attention is drawn to. 

Up on the shore, away from the rabble, Oikawa lounges back with a cup of the same honeyed wine you’re pretending to drink. For the most part he seems deep in conversation with Iwaizumi, his right hand, but every once in a while he glances up, letting his gaze roam over the crowd of his followers.

Every inch a king and his general.

And it would seem benevolent, if not for the strange smile he wears – the one that widens when his eyes catch yours.

Swallowing tightly, you force yourself not to dwell on it, to ignore the odd sensation curling in your gut and the way your skin prickles under his attention. Now is not the time to lose focus.

Pushing all thoughts of Oikawa aside, you subtly scan the beach once more, only to find that Kiyoshi’s moved, sitting now on a piece of old driftwood near the bonfire. Alone for the first time tonight. 

Your legs are moving before the thought even fully registers. 

“Do you mind if I sit?” you ask, gesturing to the empty space on the log beside him. 

Kiyoshi smiles, the laugh lines at corners of his eyes crinkling pleasantly, and shakes his head, “Not at all.”

“Thanks.”

Taking another sip of your wine, you will your shoulders to relax, your racing pulse to slow. This has to seem natural, and so you force yourself to hold your tongue, let your head loll back and breathe deep, soaking it all in. You can hear the others in the distance, the music and the dancing, the happy laughter and shouts that beckon – you want to go join them. Even your blood seems to hum, a call of something other pulsing through your veins.

But you pay it no mind. There are more important things to worry about tonight. 

Indeed, steel blue eyes have been appraising you curiously for a while now. “This is your first Lunar blessing, isn’t it?” Kiyoshi asks after a moment.

You nod, humming in agreement. Less than a month; you’ve been here less than a month. Is that a good thing?

“Are you enjoying yourself?”

A harmless enough question, and again you nod your head. “Yeah, it’s…” you pause, searching for words that won’t sound hollow. “It’s paradise. I feel like I need to pinch myself just to make sure it’s real.”

He smiles gently. “But?” he probes.

Grimly, you wonder whether Kiyoshi’s usually this perceptive, or if you’re just a really terrible actor. In a way, you suppose it really doesn’t make a difference; you’ve come too far to turn back now – at least not without raising suspicion. 

So you lie with a truth, and pray that it works.

“I had a friend I was supposed to meet here,” you confess quietly, gazing not at him but the crackling flames of the bonfire, the burning embers carried off into the night. “He was the one who said I should come, but now I’m here and he’s not and every time I catch myself enjoying this–”

“You feel guilty,” he surmises, cutting you off. “Because he’s not here to enjoy it with you.”

Wordlessly, you nod – and maybe it isn’t so much of an act when your eyes begin to glisten, your smile wavering. 

Kiyoshi’s silent for a moment, and you take another sip of the honey wine to hide your nerves. “You shouldn’t, you know,” he says eventually. “Feel guilty, I mean. You belong here, with the Commune. You’re happy here. Paradise… isn’t for everybody.”

He doesn’t say it to be cruel, more like he’s simply stating a fact, and somehow that makes it all the more unnerving. And it’s nothing you haven’t listened to Oikawa preach about time and time again. The Commune is for the devoted, the faithful – the lucky few – and you’ve never thought too hard about what he’d meant by that.

The Commune’s small, maybe a hundred and fifty or so people on the island. There’d been no initiation, no test of faith or trial period you’d had to pass when you arrived – at least, none that you’d been aware of. You simply stepped off the boat and they’d welcomed you with open arms. 

An uneasy sensation settles into your gut, goosebumps prickling at your skin despite the heat of the midsummer night. 

That… doesn’t make sense. It can’t. Absolute control’s too important in groups like this, they couldn’t just let anyone–

Kiyoshi speaks again, his calm voice pulling you from your thoughts. “What was his name?” 

You blink at him slowly – stupidly. “Sorry?”

“Your friend,” he clarifies. “What was his name?”

“Oh, um- Ryuji.”

Kiyoshi’s brow furrows in thought for a moment, but he merely shakes his head, “Doesn’t ring a bell, but like I said, not everyone who arrives stays with us for long.”

He looks you right in the eye as he says it.

You don’t understand the cold, foreboding that seeps through your veins, because he’s lying. He has to be. 

Ryuji was here. They were friends, Ryu’d told you that–

Why did you think this stupid plan would work anyway? That he’d tell you anything, much less the truth when this whole fucked up island is full of liars and those too indoctrinated to know the difference?

“You alright?” he asks when abruptly, you shoot to your feet beside him.

And it takes every ounce of willpower you have left to force an easy smile to your lips, raising your cup just a fraction, “Yeah, just gonna go get a refill. Thanks for the talk, Kiyoshi.”

Whether he notices that your wine’s barely touched or not, you don’t care – not as you turn on your heel without another word and head back up the beach. 

Your head is pounding, your body trembling – you don’t hear the call of your name until a hand reaches out and grasps at your wrist, spinning you around.

Asuka greets you with a wide grin, Makki and a tall, broad shouldered man you think is called Mattsun standing either side of her – the former’s arm slung casually over her shoulder. “There you are! I’ve been looking for you,” she says. “Come on, we’re gonna go swimming, it’s so pretty out there!”

You glance out towards the ocean. Moonlight bathes the inky blue water, light shimmering off the rippling tide; some of the others are already out there, splashing amongst the waves. 

“Clothing optional, of course,” Makki laughs, and Asuka tugs on your wrist once more. 

“C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

But you shake your head, slowly pulling your hand from her grip, “I’m not feeling great, I think I’m gonna head back.”

Asuka frowns, concern marring her pretty features. “Are you okay? Do you need us to call Mizo–”

“No,” you say, cutting her off. Healer Mizoguchi is the last person you need to see right now. “I just– I just need to go lie down for a bit. You guys go have fun – enjoy the blessing, I’ll be fine.”

Makki and Asuka share a fleeting look, but it’s Mattsun who interjects before either one of them can speak, “I’ll walk you back, then.”

Your stomach churns. It doesn’t sound like a suggestion.

And the smart thing to do would be to accept his help; the walk from the beach to your villa isn’t far, and while you’re not as familiar with Mattsun as you are with Makki or Asuka, it’s not like he’s going to hurt you or anything, but–

“Really– you don’t need to, it’s fine,” you smile weakly, shuffling back as he reaches to offer you his arm. “Go swim, I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

Mattsun shrugs easily enough, falling back into line with the other two – yet there’s something in the way he grins and holds your gaze for a beat longer. A glimmer of amusement, as if there’s some joke you're not a part of. “I’ll hold you to it, sweetheart.”

The heat that floods your cheeks clashes uncomfortably with the cloying heaviness in your stomach, but somehow you manage to stutter out one last goodbye before turning back to scamper off in the direction of your room.

–But not to lie down.

There’s not a cloud in the sky, and the full moon’s bright. No need for a torch, not unless you decide to venture into the heart of the forest.

You’ve been a fool. Kiyoshi, Asuka, Makki, Mattsun; you can’t trust any of them to help you, even unwittingly. Ryuji’s here on the island – somewhere – and every second that slips away, every second that you allow yourself to forget puts him in further danger.

And so you cling to your discomfort, ground yourself in it. The prickling sensation at the back of your neck, the tightness in your chest as you slip past your villa, keeping low and quiet – they’re a reminder that there is something insidious here on the island, that you have to get out.

You and Ryuji.

He’s here. Away from the others, kept under lock and key as punishment, or maybe being forced to undergo whatever kind of glorified brainwashing they’ve got going on, but here. You need to be smart about this, because while you don’t intend to stop until you find him, tonight will be your best shot – while everyone’s distracted down on the beach. 

For the first time in a long time, it feels like you have a clear head. 

Creeping through the underbrush, you steer clear of the well trod pathways that lead towards habitation. You’ve been there, and to the docks, and the river. 

If they’re still keeping him here (and they are, you refuse to entertain the possibility that it could be otherwise) then it’s not somewhere out in the open. A bird cries out in the distance shattering the calm of the night, and you flinch – but it only serves as another reminder that your time tonight is limited; you cannot afford to delay. You wrack your brain, trying to dredge up memories of the last few weeks, surely you must have seen something–

“Lost?”

The single word, spoken in a deep, gruff voice has your blood running cold.

Slowly, you turn. 

Iwa stands behind you in the thicket, his face utterly impassive. Briefly, you contemplate whether it’s worth trying to bluff your way out of this, but Iwa’s eyes narrow, flashing in the dim light and you think better of it.

A sigh escapes you, your shoulders deflating. “Where is he– Ryuji?” you ask; a whisper rather than a demand.

Iwa’s expression gives nothing away. Did he know, or have you handed him the smoking gun of a crime that’d fallen through the cracks? Does it even matter anymore? You’re just–

You’re tired. 

Exhausted. In the space of a few moments all of that shining determination and resolve; it fled, leaving a gaping hole in its wake. This has to end, you can’t keep fighting against them forever. You can’t keep drowning in this guilt, feeling torn every second that you spend here on this stupid island. You just want to find Ryuji and go home.

… Right?

A tense beat passes as Iwa appraises you, and then; “Come with me.”

The hand he places on your shoulder doesn’t give you much choice. His grip isn’t what you’d describe as gentle, yet he’s careful enough to make sure you don’t trip or stumble as he marches you north. 

In the thick of the forest away from the beach, it’s eerily quiet. Every twig that snaps underfoot, every ragged breath you draw; it feels too loud. Out of place amongst the stillness of the midsummer night. 

And isn’t it ironic, that for the first time since you set foot in this paradise, you feel like you’re trespassing?

A bead of sweat trickles down from your temple and your mind unwittingly drifts back to Mattsun and Makki. Are they still swimming with Asuka? Probably, you reason. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly how long it’s been since you left them on the beach, but surely no more than an hour.

And strangely, like water drawn from the depths of a well, an image comes to mind; the four of you standing in the waves, you perched atop Mattsun’s shoulders, screaming and giggling in delight as Asuka tries to knock you down again, two sets of eyes watching from the shore… 

You should have stayed on the beach.

“Can I ask you something?” 

“You can ask,” he replies drily – humouring you, you suppose.

Your lips quirk upwards for the briefest of moments. “What happens on the Lunar blessing? Asuka, the others– no one told me what it was.” 

Iwaizumi doesn’t answer you immediately, but you feel his fingers reflexively tighten on your shoulder. Likely it wasn’t the question he was expecting; surely there were others that you could have asked – but you don’t really want the answers to those.

If you’re being led like a lamb to proverbial slaughter, what good would it do you to know it? 

And yet as the seconds pass and no answer seems forthcoming from your captor, you resign yourself to the fact that your curiosity will remain unsated. You don’t even know what prompted you to ask in the first place; knowing Oikawa it’s probably some grand, meaningless spectacle. Pretty, hollow words spoken only to–

A heavy sigh draws you from your thoughts, and you falter in your step, almost tripping over your own feet in the process. Iwa’s quick to right you, urging you forward with a less than gentle nudge. “Walk straight,” he grunts, yet it lacks any true heat. Anticipation flutters through your veins, and he mutters a soft curse behind you. “Fine. It… it’s an exchange.” 

An exchange? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Your eyebrows draw together, mouth opening to press the matter, but Iwa beats you to the punch.

“You’ll find out for yourself soon enough, now shut up.”

You have no response to that, so you do.

—

The two of you walk in silence for what feels like hours. Eventually, the terrain becomes steeper, the worn path you’re treading twisting and winding, and you realise you must be close to the mountains at the heart of the island. 

As your breath comes in heavy pants, your legs beginning to ache, you can’t help but be lost in the beauty of it all.

The flora’s different here, unlike any you’ve seen before. Flowers bursting from the bark of towering trees, blooms of vibrant hues; reds and purples and soft, baby pinks. Even the vines at your feet curl amongst pretty white buds that gleam invitingly under the moonlight. Your jaw falls open as you gaze around in wonderment. 

You forget why you’re walking, where it is that you’re heading. Iwa’s grip relaxes as a quiet gasp escapes you, and he doesn’t stop you when you stray from the path to take a closer look. You can’t resist reaching out to touch the silken petals, leaning in to smell their perfume. Soft and light and sweet, your eyes flutter shut, a smile creeping across your visage. 

It reminds you of home. Not your actual home – the rundown, tiny shoebox apartment you gave up before you came here – but something deeper.

Home, like the long summer days spent playing in your parents’ backyard. Home, like afternoons curled up by the window, watching the rain come down in sheets outside. 

Home, like the comfort of arms wrapped around you; two hearts beating in sync.

“C’mon,” Iwa interrupts after a minute or so, his voice a touch less gruff. “We’re almost there.”

Dazed, you find yourself nodding, allowing him to guide you back to the path. This time, he doesn’t grab you by the shoulder, seemingly content enough to walk by your side. 

True to his word, it’s only another few minutes before you see it; a wooden villa, four times the size of your own and far, far grander, set amongst a clearing of trees on the mountainside. Confused, your eyes flicker from the villa to Iwa and back again. Gossamer curtains billow lightly in the breeze, a warm, inviting glow spilling from the open windows. Surely this cannot be where he meant to lead you… and yet he merely stands at your side, arms folded across his broad chest, watching you expectantly. 

“You gonna make me carry you up there?” he asks, not unkindly.

Swallowing tightly, you shake your head. 

Another glance, and you catch a shadow lingering by the window. Your heart skips a beat, apprehension curling in your gut as you begin to walk, every step feels less steady than the last. You’re almost glad when Iwa takes you by the arm; if only so that you have something to focus on other than the growing tightness in your chest. The villa, with its pretty flowers and airy, elegant grandeur is far from the isolated cell you’d been afraid of, yet the uncertainty of what you’re walking into eats at you all the same.

Is this where they’ve been keeping Ryu, or has he brought you here for another reason?

Nothing, however, can prepare you for what you find inside. Warm light emanates from lanterns that bathe the room, and your eyes widen as you stare around you.

Strange, gold carvings inlaid with mother of pearl decorate the thick, woodens support beams, a pot of incense burns on a table overflowing with fresh fruit. There’s a jug of the same honeyed wine you’d drank earlier in the night and two cups set on an ornate stand nearby – just within arms reach of one of the chaise lounges.

Iwa affords you little time to gape, drawing you further in. Silken tapestries hang from the walls – you’re pulled along too quickly to truly take note, but the brief glimpses you get hint at a story; a divine being cast from his home, lost and wandering.

It tugs at something buried within you, and uncomfortable, you tear your eyes away.

The two of you reach a closed door at the end of the hall, and Iwa pulls you to a stop, knocking once.

“Come,” a familiar voice calls.

You stiffen, though perhaps you should have foreseen this outcome. Who else would Iwa bring you to but to him? Distantly, you register his grip relaxing, the sound of the door sweeping open and his voice at your ear.

“Go on.”

And it’s funny, you think, how two halves of yourself can be so at odds with each other. Because while your stomach twists itself into knots, goosebumps prickling at your skin, your legs stumble forward of their own accord.

Two steps forward, and your breath catches in your throat.

It’s a bedroom, that much you can deduce from the decor, but that’s not what captures your attention. Nor is it Oikawa, leaning against the bureau with a genial smile – at least not at first. 

No. In place of a back wall, there’s open space, not so much as a panel of glass obstructing the view before you. And what a view it is; from this height you can see the sprawling forest below, the coastline dotted with bonfires and the moonlit ocean shimmering beyond. Where the floorboards end, there are steps, you realise as you unwittingly inch closer, leading to a cascading spring – likely fed from the waterfall you can hear rushing nearby.

How easy it would be to brush aside your worries, you think, to shed your clothes, slip into the cool, calm water and lose yourself entirely. Even amongst all you’ve seen and experienced on the island so far, this is incomparable. 

“Stunning, isn’t it?” Oikawa murmurs, coming up behind you.

His voice startles you, yet when you turn, you find him not gazing out at the scenery but rather at you, that same strange, knowing smile curling at his lips.

“Some days, I admit, it’s hard to tear myself away,” he continues, unbothered by your stunned silence. “But even I can’t neglect my duties for too long.”

You swallow, tongue darting out to wet your lips. Confusion twists through you at the conversational tone, surely he hasn’t brought you here just to chat about the impressive views, yet there’s no hint of disapproval on his face, no indication that he’s anything less than pleased with you.

It’s unnerving to say the least, but you’ll play along with his game if that’s what Oikawa wants.

“Beautiful,” you say, though the words feel woefully inadequate even as you speak them.

He hums in agreement, something akin to pride flickers in his eyes at your assessment, “A labour of love, I suppose. But… everything you see here, everything I’ve built, it comes with a price. You understand that, don’t you?”

“I-I’m sorry?” you stutter.

“Paradise,” he elaborates, his smile widening. “There’s no give without take. Those people down there,” he nods down at the beach, the tiny, ant-like figures still milling about, “the lost, the beaten, the abused – I gave them what they so desperately sought; a sanctuary. A life without struggle, without suffering.” He pauses for a moment, reaching forward to take your hand. You almost flinch, almost skitter across the room to put as much distance between you as you can, but you don’t–

His palm is warm as it envelops yours, a pleasant heat that seems to spread through your veins, easing your tense muscles. There’s nothing to fear from him, you’re safe with Oikawa.

“Aren’t you happy here?”

Yes.

“What about the price?” you ask instead, though it takes more concentration than it should to force the words out. 

Oikawa’s thumb sweeps along the back of your hand. “I never said it was your price to pay,” he soothes. 

There’s something wrong with that sentence, but another sharp knock at the door draws your attention before you can think too hard about it. You turn out of instinct, barely aware of the way his hand tightens fractionally around your own.  

A single finger at your jaw coaxes your attention back to him. “If you built a paradise, wouldn’t you give whatever necessary to ensure it flourished?”

Oikawa stares at you expectantly, deep brown eyes searching your face as he waits for an answer. Agreement would be the logical choice – the one he seems to want from you – but even as your lips part, the only sound that escapes is a breathless, confused noise. 

When you were a kid, maybe six or seven, your parents took you to the beach one day and you waded too far out into the water. The waves were bigger than you expected; all it took was one mistimed jump and you were dragged under.

It wasn’t for long, probably only seconds, and ultimately you were fine – but you remember those few seconds so vividly. The feeling of helplessly tumbling through the water, fighting to break the surface but not knowing which way was up. Your lungs crying out for oxygen, the disorientation and dizziness, the panic.

It feels like that now – like the floor’s dropped out from beneath you and you’re just hurtling through empty air, desperately trying to slow yourself down with nothing to grab onto.

None of this makes any sense. Your emotions are shot to pieces, too many parts of yourself being pulled in different directions and you’re not sure which ones you can trust anymore. How can you be? Oikawa’s still holding your hand, smiling at you, and you just want everything to stop for a second so you can right yourself and breathe–

The door opens.

Iwaizumi appears in your field of vision, dragging a bound, hooded figure behind him. And because this is all some big, cosmic joke, you get your wish. Both of them, actually. 

Time slows. 

Even with a burlap sack pulled over his head, you recognise the man Iwa shoves to the floor and sneers at. 

Hundreds of miles, weeks of uselessly traipsing around this fucking island, and finally– 

Finally, you’ve found Ryu.

There should be relief. Fear, considering his current state, yes, but Ryuji’s here and he’s alive and as the hood is ripped off his head Oikawa squeezes your hand and the only thing you feel is… anger.

Not a heated flash that surges through your blood. It’s slow and seething, insipid. You look at him, locked in place as empty, pleading eyes meet yours and all you can think is that all of this – everything – is his fault.

“Asuka told you why she came to me, didn’t she?” Oikawa asks.

Your brow furrows, why–why is he asking you that now, how did he even–

He slips closer behind you, letting your hand go in favour of your shoulder, his spare dragging lightly along the bare skin of your arm. “She was lost, in so much pain. The physical wounds, they heal after a while,” his voice is right in your ear, a low murmur that sends a shiver rippling down your spine.

It isn’t an unpleasant feeling.

“But the scars inside, well… sometimes those fester.”

Gagged and bound, kneeling at your feet, Ryu doesn’t even try to make a sound. 

He’s thinner than you remember. Face gaunt and bruised; there’s a half healed, mottled yellow one painted across the left side of his jaw, one eye purple and swollen. You glance at Iwa, standing stoically behind him, muscular arms folded across his chest. His work, you wonder, or others as well? You notice the tear tracks running down his face, catching the light of the lanterns, but it’s as if you’re seeing it all through a thick pane of glass. None of it reaches you, there’s nothing but that simmering, ugly feeling in your gut.

Oikawa hums, “I told you that Paradise wasn’t for everyone. It’s a haven, yes, but there are those who simply… don’t belong.”

His body’s so warm, pressed up against yours. Fingertips graze along your side, and this time you don’t bother biting back that tiny, breathless moan. Iwa briefly smirks at it, but there’s no embarrassment. Why should there be? Your eyes flit back to Ryu, bowed on the wooden floor.

Another memory resurfaces; A sharp crack and a ringing in your ears, Ryuji, eyes bloodshot and glazed, falling to his knees, clutching frantically at the leg of your pants as endless apologies spill from his lips. 

It wasn’t him. It was never him. 

“He hurt you,” Oikawa purrs. “He kept hurting you, I saw it.”

The words wash over you like waves breaking on the shore, but you find yourself nodding anyway. It was the truth, wasn’t it? A thousand tiny hurts, piled up on one another until you finally broke.

And you’d still come when he’d called.

Listened to him when he’d begged you not to hang up the phone.

“Iwa.” 

The brunet moves towards a grand chest of drawers pushed up against the western wall. An ornate dagger sits atop, strange and beautiful; the blade isn’t steel or any metal you’ve seen before, but some kind of black stone, the handle intricately carved ivory. You hadn’t even noticed it before, Oikawa’s room filled to the brim with odd trinkets and treasures, but now that you have, it’s hard to tear your eyes away.

Iwa takes it and carries it over towards the two of you, holding it with the utmost care. 

“Obsidian,” Oikawa informs you as he accepts the blade from his friend, bringing it in front of you both to show it off. “Pretty, isn’t it?” And while you can’t see his face, you can hear the smile in his tone.

He isn’t wrong though. 

Ever so carefully you reach out, the soft pads of your fingertips running along the obsidian surface, surprisingly cool to the touch. The razor sharp edges – wavy and asymmetrical, leading to a tapered point – you’re careful to avoid, almost positive you’d draw blood with the slightest touch. 

“Take it,” he urges, his breath ghosting over the shell of your ear. 

Obediently, you turn your hand over, your fingers wrapping around the hilt when he presses it against your palm. And as long fingers curl around yours, you idly wonder how old the dagger is – there’s not so much as a scratch on it, yet there’s something about the weapon in your hand that feels ancient. It thrums under your combined touch.

Oikawa jerks his chin at Iwa, and with a short nod and one last, lingering glance cast your way, the latter exits once again. 

Leaving you and Oikawa alone with Ryuji.

“It’s almost time,” he remarks – though time for what, you’re not entirely sure. His lips press against your hair, his arm dropping from your shoulder to your waist, drawing you flush against him. “I know why you came to me, the lies that led you here.”

Both of you turn your attention back to Ryuji at that, the bound man now shaking with the force of his muffled sobs, snot dripping from his nose. That bitter resentment rears its ugly head again, soothed only by Oikawa’s pacifying hum, his thumb now rubbing slow circles at your side. “Shh, I’m not angry – none of that matters now. You’ve found a home here, no? You want to stay on the island with me.”

You swallow, nodding your head rapidly. The thought of having to leave now, of being forced out after everything you’ve seen and felt and experienced here, you– you can’t fathom it. You don’t want to. 

Ryuji’d wrought so much damage, but even before he’d swept through your life… had you ever been happy? Were you ever truly accepted – or loved, for that matter?

You can’t go back to that life. You won’t; he’ll have to drag you kicking and screaming from the shore. The Commune is your home, this is where you belong. Here, with Oikawa.

“Good girl,” he croons, another kiss pressed to the crown of your head. You beam at the praise and Ryuji crumples a little further. “Death begets life, you understand now, don’t you?”

You glance at the obsidian dagger in your hand and then at Ryu, beaten and bruised, bowed in forced supplication before you, and nod.

His fingers tighten around yours, “Then do it.”

Leaning forward, you reach for Ryu, fingers lightly trailing down his ruined cheek, curling at his chin to coax his head upwards. He squeezes his eyes shut, pain and regret etched over every inch of his face, but he doesn’t fight you. 

Baring his throat to your dagger, Ryuji’s pleas take the shape of your name.

Muffled, thanks to the gag, but unmistakable. And for one single moment, you falter. 

This… this is wrong; for all his faults, and god knows there were plenty, Ryu didn’t des–

A wave of calm washes over you, allaying your fears, your doubts. Your breath leaves you in a heavy gust, taking with it the tension in your shoulders, and Oikawa’s voice, smooth and honeyed, reaches your ears once more, “Nothing comes without a price, doesn’t he deserve to be the one to pay it?”

With your hand still tucked inside of his, your arm moves with a will of its own; slashing with inhuman grace.

The dagger cuts deep, Ryuji’s eyes snapping open in shock as a spray of warm blood hits you both. He chokes – a horrid, wet, gurgling sound – wide, pleading eyes frantically shifting between you and Oikawa. Every beat of his failing heart sends fresh blood spurting from the gaping wound. It drenches his front, splatters across your dress, your face, crimson pooling at the wooden floorboards at his knees. His mouth falls open and shut, trying and failing to form coherent sounds and you just stand there and watch, the dagger hanging limply at your side.

It doesn’t take long; seconds at the most. 

Ryuji’s slumps to the floor, his body finally growing still as the light fades from his eyes. There’s a beat of absolute silence, and then–

Oikawa shudders behind you, a strangled, drawn out moan leaving his lips. You try to turn, but his arms lock around you, every muscle tensing, his back arching. The dagger in your hand grows hot, burning the soft skin of your palm, but with his fingers still tightly entwined with yours you can only whimper and endure it.

With a hoarse, guttural roar, a pulse of pure energy surges through the room like a shockwave. Every cell in your body lights up, electrified, buzzing; a dizzying euphoria unlike any you’ve felt before coursing through your blood. 

Across the island, voices cry out in delight, a symphony of life. The trees tremble and shake, invigorated and renewed, fresh buds bursting from the forest floor, blooming under the light of the full moon.

The harvests flourish, even the river swells in response to the call.

Death begets life, just as he promised.

And with every inch of your body alight and singing with pleasure, you can barely think much less protest (and why would you want to?) as Oikawa roughly yanks you around, hungry lips crashing against your own as his fingers pull and tear at your bloodstained dress. He wastes no time with foreplay, and you suspect only begrudgingly takes a moment to hoist you up against him and carry you to his bed.

There’s nothing gentle about the way he hauls your hips to his, sheathing his cock inside of your warm, tight cunt with one savage thrust, but you don’t care.

Not as you cling to him, fingernails raking along his shoulders as he presses your thighs further apart so he can fuck you deeper. It’s hard and rough and brutal, yet you moan for him all the same, his name a prayer swallowed up by feverish, claiming kisses.

Tonight, bathed in blood and the soft glow of moonlight, you offer your god everything.

—

“Look, look!” 

A small hand tugs at your skirt, and you glance down to find a little girl with pretty, dark curls holding up a crown of woven flowers.

“Do you like it?” she asks. 

Carefully, you take it from her, bringing it closer to examine. She watches you intently as you study it, lifting it this way and that to appraise her work, humming thoughtfully for good measure. “I think it’s beautiful work,” you tell her after a long enough pause, and you can’t help but smile at the way she lights up, preening under your praise. “Why don’t you go show your mama? I’m sure she’ll be very impressed.”

The girl nods rapidly, thanking you before skipping off in the direction of her parents. The sun’s hanging low in the sky, the fires already being readied for the night ahead. You’re not unaware of the watchful gaze that carefully monitors your every move, and the moves of anyone who ventures too close by. Soon enough, you’ll return home to the heart of the island – anticipation fluttering in your belly at the thought of what awaits you – but for now, you let your feet sink further into the sand, closing your eyes as you bask in the lingering warmth of the setting sun.

At least until the sound of your name being called draws you back to the present. Yet it’s not Iwaizumi approaching, but rather Makki, two strangers trailing along behind him. 

“Thought I’d find you here,” he grins, throwing a casual arm over your shoulders. “This is Kaneo,” he gestures to the man, “and his wife Manaka. They arrived this morning, I’ve been showing ‘em round.”

You turn to the couple, smiling sweetly as you extend a hand, “Welcome to the Commune.”

[riewritten]

31 SEMBLANCE

DUSK IN THE BRIGHTEST | chapter directory

erwin smith/fem!reader, erwin smith/you, no y/n | slow burn, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff & smut, mutual pining, canon AU, college/univ AU, professor erwin smith, commander erwin smith, non-linear narrative, manga spoilers

Trigger warning: canon-typical violence, graphic description, explicit sexual content, suicidal thoughts, mental health issues, trauma, implied/referenced sexual harassment, implied/referenced abuse, attempted murder, overdosing

Plot: It was always the nightmares, really. Entrapped with walls, human-eating giants, fighting through metal strings and swords – utterly violent, dreary, recurrent. But behind the blurry faces was a man with menacing blue eyes and vivid features; eventually appearing before you as your new reputable professor, Erwin Smith. Since then, the disaster had slipped beyond your subconscious. AO3

As you dwelled on your cries, the commander finally sat down again; his fingers continuously glided on your cheeks to soothe you somehow.

"How are they in that world?" He finally spoke again after a while.

"The two are living as Levi's siblings. Isabel, while a full-on brat, stuck to me since we were children. Furlan is very composed and he helps Levi in lots of things." You chuckled a bit despite the tears due to random memory. "You won't believe me when I say he used to hold me with affection and now he's having a happy crush on the current queen."

Indeed, that would be hard to imagine. Erwin had to register that with a small laugh as well. "The others?"

"I haven't met Miche, Hange, and the others yet but they're friends with you two. I hear them a lot from you and Levi."

"Miche… he's living a better life as well, I see." He pondered. For some reason, his voice was a mixture of relief and bitterness. "How am I in that world?"

"You became quite like your father despite having him for just a short time. You've been very gentle to everyone, especially to me, and helped me without hesitation because I was left behind for so long due to lots of things…" You bit your lip to suppress another wave of emotions. "And you also chose to remember everything in this world by dreams so you could pay for your debts. That's why our paths crossed again. You were my saving grace in that world. Having this vision was too tormenting for me until you came."

"It's good that I didn't end up too much of a bastard somehow." He finally withdrew his palm on your cheek and rested it on your hand instead. "Are you healthy enough in that world?"

"I am. I was poisoned with soup then stabbed but I think I'm fine in general."

"Soup?" Erwin repeated in surprise. "So all this time—"

"I quickly overcame my fear towards the dish when you repeatedly accompanied me while eating it." You clarified with a chuckle. "But that's why you're on the edge in that world as well. Despite some distinctions, you're completely the same cruel man."

"If I ever did murder the perpetrator in that world, would you be able to forgive me?"

"Of course, I would. I'm staying no matter what." You answered resolutely. "It doesn't need to clash with seeking accountability, after all."

Silence enveloped the whole room. You heard Erwin gulp after a while as if trying to articulate the next question. Then you realized he might be having a hard time voicing it out because he squeezed onto your hand.

"Was I able to give you all the love you deserve in that world?"

That's when you finally let the tears drip down again. It was silent weeping this time and you held onto his hand tightly as well. "You're a man full of teasing and banters but you also keep on telling me that I'll get everything I want in that world. That you'll make up for it somehow."

"Is that so," He weakly muttered and stayed still again. When you glanced at him, you almost sobbed out loud. He looks so sad and on a closer look, it's as if he's a lost child who's so conflicted about what to do. His eyes are glued on the hand he's holding and it's obvious that he's taking quite a while coming up with other things to say. Never in your life did you think you'd ever see this man so lost with his words.

"Do you want to go back?" He muttered.

Somehow, as the sight continuously burns your vision, you notice how he's trying to muster up the courage to finally let you go.

You weren't able to stop the sobs then. "I could live everywhere as long as you're alive."

"But the people dear to you are alive in that world. It's needless to say that you'll be happier there."

"You're the only reason I existed again. You strongly wished for me to exist, that's why I'm here even after using the power granted to me. Your existence is what matters to me the most."

"You say that I'm still the same man in that world… but do I actually have the ability to protect you with all my might?"

"You have. We could protect ourselves. There are no monsters in that world." You repeated what you had said back in Wall Maria.

His eyes widened then as if that remark ultimately concluded the whole bargain. Finally, his grip on your hand untightened.

Despite the calm wistfulness, he looks more broken this time. You weren't able to take it so you gripped his hand again. "I'll stay here. You don't need to convince me anymore. I could live with you here. I would love to do so."

That's when Erwin finally smiled. It was the most poignant smile you've ever seen of him, in this world and the other one. He gently removed your grasp on him and shook his head. "You came here to save me and so your job here is done. That's more than enough for me."

"No. You said it, right? We can do the things we weren't able to do before. I would love to have that life. You told me I'd look good living inside the walls as well. Then live with me." You're the one doing the bargain this time. "It's not fake security anymore and I'd be able to live beside someone I love. We don't even have to quit at all. We just have to—"

You were cut off gently when Erwin leaned in for a kiss. He held on to your cheeks and languidly glided his lips to yours. It's slow, too slow that you just know he is savoring it for the last time. You let him melt down your sobs then.

He halted after a while with both of your lips barely touching and breathing in each other's air. "Isabel needs someone right now." He whispered.

"No. She has everyone to take care of her." You begged, completely setting aside the worries in pursuit of coaxing the man above you who had nothing in this life but pure suffering.

"Furlan is having a hard time. If a man as composed as him is having such difficulty keeping himself up then you really need to go back."

"Again, you just have to let me live with you. They have each other and we don't need to worry about them."

"How about me in that world? Who do I have there?" You were shot into silence then. Somehow, Erwin hoped you would be able to pitch in a name. Perhaps that'd make him reconsider his decision. When you didn't respond, he just smiled again and landed a chaste peck on the bridge of your nose.

"You need to come back and stop me from doing something irreversible or if I already did, you have to be there and forgive me." He landed another one on your forehead. "Because you're sweet like that, my dearest girl that's holding me with so much affection. You're the one who's been saving me all this time and I need another saving in that world right now."

"But I could just stay here, don't you want that? We could finally have good things together."

"The fact that there's a world where we could get that is more than enough for me. What you did in this world is more than enough for me." He said while hushing your tears away.

You start to feel as if you're being pulled away from your body, each second ticking until you disappear into thin air, until you leave the body that Erwin is holding so dearly.

No, just a moment. I'm not done yet. I need to have him realize that I'm meant to be here.

"You went through a lot as it is and I could finally stay beside you to get past our miseries. I was dead set on dying there but if I could have the chance to live with you here—" However, you realized that Erwin's words are to be heard as well because it's by his will that you're here. He's the one who vehemently desired to see you again even if it's just a glimpse. He's the one who begged for the parallel and had it full of glitches. "You won't let me go, would you?"

"I won't. I have you beyond worlds after all. See, you have this terrible man stuck on you for several lifetimes." It's as if the Erwin smiling in front of you also knows well that he had the final say as much as you do.

He lands another kiss as he finally decides to let you go, for this moment is the last one you'll ever have of him — the man who had tons of mistakes and sought to be forgiven, the one who died and still begged for you to save him, and the one who vehemently believed that seeing you again even just for a minute is more than he could ever wish for.

"Thank you for coming to me."

It’s as if your mind has been flying away inside an abyss since then. You could hear words but they’re just playing around in the air. What’s keeping you from breaking is that last moment playing inside your head so vividly on repeat. Despite not knowing how long you've been doing it, you're still more than thankful at the sight. There's no way you'd get sick of it when you're well aware that by the time it stops playing, you won't see nor feel the commander ever again.

On the day you finally got agency with your thoughts and body again, even for a short period, you woke up screaming. Your body reeked of sweat even though the temperature was not even high. The peaceful and well-cleaned room is spinning around your eye. Every corner of it is threatening you with death, kitchen knives, blood, scattered utensils, and broken plates. This wasn't even included with your worries until this very moment. There's a lump in your throat that makes it hard for you to breathe and it's more than enough to acknowledge that you're back for good. It's your body that's reacting to all of this, not your consciousness beyond this world.

Fortunately, everyone is inside the house today including Erwin. Kuchel’s household usually takes turns tending to you so everyone stopped in their tracks as soon as they heard you screaming in the room, from words like "mom" and "I'm sorry" up to painful cries about how you want to see your brother again. They stormed towards where you are. Everyone who'd go near you during these episodes could be perceived as a threat, that's why they have to be careful not to invade your space.

It was Kuchel who spoke first, gently and tranquil. The rest waited at the door. "It's okay, it's okay. Look at your surroundings. You're in a completely different place. No one's gonna hurt you here." Kuchel slowly walked.

You can't even hear her, not at all. "Mom, I don't–" You gripped your hair with both hands “I don’t remember. This isn't what I intended to create when I—" You cut yourself off with a shaky gasp as you clutched on your left stomach. "—it hurts. Oh, it hurts. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" You felt how it's bleeding, how it'd spurt out the blood from you anytime soon, your organs gushing out along the way.

Furlan and Isabel can't even look at you anymore. Levi still had his composed face but his eyebrows were curled, perhaps in worry, anger, or both. Erwin's expression was grim, nearly unreadable, as he followed your every move. Despite Kuchel's completely composed demeanor, this is an utterly painful sight to see as there's no wound in your stomach anymore. Your mother's not holding a knife at you because she's dead. She can't hurt you anymore. No one could.

Nothing but the flashes of memories that'd stay in you for the rest of your life.

That's the cue for her then as the pain perceived by your brain would distract you from seeing someone walking as a threat. She tried a palm on your head at first to test, but you flinched and screamed so she pulled back. Kuchel then stayed half a meter away, knelt down to your level, and whispered things only audible to the both of you. Slowly but surely, her whispers subsided your panic down into sobs. You still had your eyes shot really wide but the mind hysteria decreased. Kuchel tried to touch you again, this time you were calmer; she took that as the cue and gently engulfed you in her embrace. As she caressed your head, you hugged your knees. The sobs weakened until they became mere huffs. She then laid you down, let you curl yourself up in a fetal position, and closed your eyes after a while. Breathing became steady then. You're sleeping again. Kuchel finally halted her hands. That's when those who'd like to go near you entered, Erwin first.

Upon sitting on the bed, Erwin placed a hand on your cheek to check something, "She's having a fever again.”

Isabel is crying this time but she didn't dare utter a word anymore. She walked out to get a towel and basin with water. Levi reached a hand on top of her head though, halting her for a while. "I know that face. Don't blame yourself again. She's already here."

Her bottled-up thoughts finally broke. "Why did you listen to me? I'm your stupid sister, a good-for-nothing brat. I didn't even dare go to college. Why did you? Both of you should've known better!" She also shot Furlan a glare.

The way she's shouting at Levi is a completely new sight to see. Indeed, she tends to shout a lot but this one’s completely angry and spiteful. Even Furlan is completely taken aback. Isabel's train of thought has been crippled since that evening. Not only you who got physically harmed would be scarred in the mind. The only time she stopped waking and throwing up in the middle of the night was when you finally woke up.

Levi ruffled her hair. "I told you she's here already. No one will blame you. Not even Mom blamed you when you finally told her." He then moved Isabel's head to turn it towards Kuchel's. The mother flashed an apologetic smile at her. "Not even the brat lying down beside her would blame you. You know that much by now, don't you? You're the one closest to her here."

Isabel gulped the lump down her throat. Everyone paused. After wiping her face, she walked away without a word. She's still shaking. Her fists are clenched just as usual, so hard that her hands are stained with red marks.

"I'll buy meds outside." Furlan quietly excused himself.

Kuchel walked towards the two and patted their shoulders to say something. "Her father won't be coming back. He cut all his connections off and I discovered the other day that he already has a new family overseas. Maybe the divorce was what pushed that woman to her limits. I don't even know about it. Not even their child got aware." Erwin then widened his eyes. He's the one who initiated the search for him after all. "That's pretty much it. She's got nothing but us now. Not that it made any difference. It's been like this ever since." Then walked away as if nothing happened. Her composure did not falter at all. It says a lot about how her eldest is the same.

Then Erwin and Levi were left alone. Levi started. "You're fortunate she killed herself first before you could."

Erwin folded his arms as he leaned on the door jamb, watched your now tranquil figure then clicked his tongue. "Fortunate, you say?"

"What do you think would happen if this girl finally came back to her senses and discovered you became a murderer instead?"

"She already knew that'd happen.” He blatantly uttered it to you after all. He’s just quite uncertain if you would actually remember. “And yet I'm too livid to care, I don't think I ever could."

Of course, Levi should know this much by now. He changed the topic then. "When you went to her that day, did you bring a weapon?"

“I'm the one who gave her the weapon, even asked her to kill me. I got nothing but words. Do you think I'm the one who led her into that?"

"Don't throw questions on me. Explain what happened instead."

Erwin silently walked toward you and sat on the bed. Before answering, he fixed the blanket so it'd cover you properly. He made sure your head would be the only thing visible as if recalling your humorous exchange way back at the balcony could help in toning down his grim thoughts. His demeanor stayed dark though, utterly dark. "Nothing dangerous. Just told her she's already dead and I'm giving her the chance to choose if she'd be the one to do the final act or me. If she chooses me then I'd do her some service like the good man I am. Something that'd take a whole day."

"You—" Levi shot his eyes wide. "Urged her to do that?"

Instead of answering, Erwin busied himself brushing his hand on your head. You squeaked and moved a bit but didn't wake up. When he gave Levi a look again, the latter had to register the sight. Erwin looked utterly perilous right now despite his tranquil touches. His face was flat as stone, not even a curl on his eyebrows nor a scowl. The menacing glint in his eyes is more than enough to remark how angry he is right now and how unremorseful of what he did. He might be willing to do more, even. Levi almost shuddered. Considering how Erwin holds you right now despite the face he's having, it seems like you're the only one safe in this space as of the moment.

Levi doesn't want to imagine what would become of him if you really died. "What the fuck is up with that face?"

"She's the one who ended her suffering. Did herself a favor and died. Who do you think is the more fortunate one here, Levi?"

"What have you done, exactly?"

"I do deadlines in my profession a lot so I tried having it to her as well. If this angel doesn't wake up in two weeks—" Then his caresses slid on your cheeks instead. "Perhaps a stab, or having the nails removed, hour after an hour, no drugs involved, let her blood dry out all over her house. Anything, really. I also visited her daily for gentle reminders; told her that the time is ticking and that I accept requests. Gave her intricate details of what I would do to her if the deadline came. She tried to stay from one place to another to avoid me but I always ended up bumping into her coincidentally. I think the setup in this world is pretty much in my favor, unlike the previous one."

The search warrant didn’t even last for more than 24 hours. She was quickly found dead.

Realization daunted Levi. “I thought you only went to her place once.”

"You think that'd suffice? I'm as good as dead might as well bring her down with me. Want me to get more detailed about it?" It's not even a question meant for Levi's approval. It was perhaps a mockery he intended to voice out in this world. He's making every dust in this space right now hear how low he went and how he'd go further if the conditions set upon the girl he's holding are way crueler than what just happened. "I might've done my words so well because every day I visited her, she'd end up screaming and sobbing. I didn't even need to soil my hands. Her deranged mind is way too easy to corrupt. I gave her some gifts, perhaps the last one was her breaking point. It was the portrait of her dead son in Paradis. How he looked, how healthy and happy he was thanks to his sister who loved him so well like the sweetest girl that she is. How precious my woman is because she ended up saving everyone's asses, including that wicked mother only if she knew better than to make her existence known to me."

If something's horrifying Levi, it wasn't what Erwin did, not at all, but rather the lack of guilt on his features. It's as if a completely different man is sitting on the bed because the thing that's been crippling Erwin all his life is the same one he's lacking right now.

"All this time your life revolved around remorse and now you'd shit on me at how you didn't feel that at all?"

"Paying debts. Bullshit. Completely stupid.” He spat sardonically. “This girl's the one who paid for it all this time. I thought so highly of myself."

Levi brought a hand to his temples, massaged them slightly then spoke again. "I'm not in the mood to ask anymore. Spill everything now or get your hands off her and walk out of this house."

"When she told you that she wasn't supposed to exist, it's not a bluff to save that woman. She's the one who instigated this world in exchange for her existence." And finally, Erwin's grimness subsided. It was replaced with dread. "I don't even know why she's lying down here as we speak. A moment ago I was fighting my other self for dear life because I want her here and now I can't comprehend what's happening anymore."

"How do you even know it wasn't a bluff?"

"She's the one who instigated this world, made me survive my demise, and ensured that I'd witness everything in Paradis until the end. That's why I was sure to kill her mother, Levi. Because I don't think I'd have her again. Back then, I just knew she was dead the moment I saw her in my subconscious, and the thought of that woman living in a world granted by the girl she almost killed repulsed me." Erwin just looks tired, even worse than what Levi used to see when they were younger. "And now that she chose to come back to this world only to suffer like this: completely unresponsive and broken, I feel nothing but regret that I actually did that woman a favor by not having her dead in my hands."

Levi finally calmed down and silence enveloped the room for a while. He understands, he really does, but still, "I doubt you'd be sputtering grim shit out of your mouth if this girl's actually in her right mind and could hear you." With that, Erwin's dreadful face was replaced with sheer lament as if what Levi said brought him back. The latter could finally see him again then, the Erwin that he and everyone knows well.

"She already knew what I would do if she remained unconscious in this world. That's what took her to come back here even, but still, I don't think I'd ever regret what I did even if she comes to despise me, and I also saw something right after that woman died."

"Are you gonna tell me her mother instigated something as well?"

Erwin nodded, "I saw her brother, the one she had in that world but didn't have here, approximately a week after. He's in the form of a young child who doesn't remember everything about him at all."

Levi's eyes widened again. "How sure are you that it's him? Let alone it's because of that woman's death?"

"Aside from the fact that he completely looks the same, he's got nothing of himself aside from his first name. When I asked the foster home, that boy came to them a day after that woman died. He appeared out of nowhere, with no traces of people associated with him. What explanation is there aside from that?"

Levi doesn't even know what to say anymore, no follow-up questions and utterances of possibilities. The revelation is quite too overwhelming for him as well and he needs to wind out for now. "Nonetheless, you better tell her in complete detail about what you've done to her mother, Erwin. No matter how everyone here wouldn't take what happened against you, she’s the only one who holds the final verdict because she lived." Levi then grabbed his things in the room so he could finally go out. "Just as you told me that night, I'm neither a soldier nor a thug. You must remember that in yourself too because the only time I'd tolerate that deranged face of yours again is when she's finally buried six feet below the ground." He's in the doorway now and before he finally disappeared at the man, he shot him a glare. "If you dare show it to me again, let alone to her or anyone in this house, might as well go back to where you came from. I wouldn't be able to see you as someone safe to be close with my family by then."

Erwin pondered in silence as he looked down at his palms. He understood it very well and that's the same reason why he feels like laughing at himself now. He always had blood in his hands just because of his mouth and the feeling’s way too normal for him already, too normal that he can’t bring himself to care.

Perhaps not only that woman who laid her hands on you got an inherently wicked existence. That's why he knew how to deal with it when he came for her. He's not any different. 

"You need to come back and stop me from doing something irreversible or if I already did, you have to be there and forgive me."

The bitter laugh was let out, then. Shameless. Utterly shameless. Poor you, to be associated with deranged beings even in this life. Even after sacrificing so much.

Moments after, Isabel finally entered and Erwin let her tend to you as she usually does. She cleaned your body first and after a while, woke you up to drink meds. You've been seated since then. After her task, she sat down on the chair beside your bed and faced Erwin.

She noticed how grim the man's expression is as if he was just mirroring your face. His eyes are only glued to you as well and Isabel can't grasp what he's thinking. He's been like this ever since that happened. It's just that his face is way milder now that your eyes finally opened— she can't even say you're back because you're not. Since you got conscious until this very moment, no one was able to hold a decent conversation with you. If you're not asleep, you’d just stare out of nowhere or mumble incoherent stuff. You could nod sometimes but your muscles aren’t that responsive. What happened earlier is not the first one as well and they're all too scared, too horrified that you'd stay this way forever — gone for good, crippled for the rest of your life.

And thus Isabel looked down at the floor, clenched her fists again, eyebrows curled, and lips pursed all because of worry. "Erwin, uhm, it's been days since you last visited and she's…" Talking to Erwin about you makes her terribly anxious as if she's completely indebted to this man for being negligent all this time. "…still as unresponsive." 

"Is that so," Erwin's gaze didn't leave you. You're staring at the wall with a face not moving at all, just as usual. He lifted your arm to see if you could hold it up this time but as soon as he released it, the limb fell down flatly as if it was dead. It's as if you're a breathing doll. Breathing but dead. "Have she eaten already?"

"Yeah. Recently, I'm able to make her smell the food and then urge her to open her mouth slightly. She could do that much now."

"She's improved a lot, then. Didn't she have any reactions to the utensils you used? Like what she did back at the hospital?"

"I used a plastic spoon this time. We realized she's particularly getting hysterical at the sight of metal spoons and bowls. Odd. She's not afraid of the soup itself. Only with the utensils." Erwin just nodded and didn't say more. He just blandly busied himself by randomly picking on your face to see if a reaction would be pulled out — pinching your cheeks, holding your breath by pinching your nose, gliding his fingers on your eyelids and pulling it up a bit — but nothing happened. Isabel clinched on her knees further. "Recently, Levi told me that you're actually the one who gave him a heads-up about this. When you came here for the first time years ago, you said that you saw a wounded girl buying bandages and disinfectants at the convenience store."

"Levi decided to tell you everything now, I see." He recalled the incident. "I rushed to the counter first to pay it on her behalf and even added some stuff but that's all I was able to do. She looked so out of it, though. It's as if she's in auto-pilot mode. She didn't flinch when the cashier crew said her stuff had already been paid and left without a word. Similar to this, but she was able to walk and grab things somehow."

Isabel gulped the lump forming up in her throat, "And apparently, that's when Levi told us that the wounds she's been getting ever since we're children aren't accidents unlike she claimed so. We tried to slowly gauge her to address the matter at hand but we realized she doesn't remember them at all. On our next attempts, she said she saw it happening in her dream instead." Erwin hummed to acknowledge the redhead's remark. Isabel still can't decipher the look on his face and that alone reverberated her anxiety. It didn't take long until she started crying. It was when Erwin finally looked at her. "I'm so sorry. I was afraid because her mother had custody over her and if my mom confronted her about it, she might take her away from us and we'd never see her again. That's why Mom never knew everything until this happened. My brothers listened to that stupid remark and agreed that we should just take care of her behind the curtains. Look where it got her."

He's already aware of what Isabel just said and if he's on his usual self, he would immediately sense her impending cries — enough to comfort her before she could let them out. However, he's utterly spent right now, too exhausted to channel his astuteness. "It's not your fault. You never wanted this to happen."

"It is. We should've just forced her out of there. I can't believe my brothers listened to such a stupid remark." She hit her head with a hand continuously and sobbed. "Why did they listen to me?"

"The wounds Levi claimed she usually gets aren't grave. It could be classified as some sort of corporal punishment and it's more likely that she'd get away from it as most parents would. She doesn't even remember it herself. I'm not saying that the way you didn't inform Kuchel was right and wise but your fear was valid." Erwin replied and after pondering, added. "And Levi's actions were valid too. All of you are the ones who always rush to her whenever she needs help but Levi still tends to find her primary guardians every time. They're the ones most aware of her medical records and had direct contact with her physicians. You guys did what you could."

"But still, we could've done so much more if…"

"I don't think she'd ever blame you for that. Levi's right. Your remorse will just make her feel worse. She'd think you wouldn't be crippled with guilt if she worked on not being a burden. You should know how her mind works by now." Erwin proceeded to massage your limbs, a habit most people in the house developed since you really don't move most of the time. "Besides, everyone will really end up living with that guilt had she died but she's here instead, and so the present is what we must dwell on. You wouldn't be able to tend to her properly if you're burdened with that, don't you think?" It took time for Isabel to respond and when she finally nodded, Erwin smiled. It's a small one, but the first time she saw it again after a while. "You're one of the greatest reasons why she came back here. Thank you for sticking to her until now."

Isabel almost felt herself crying again as if a thorn finally plucked out of her skin. Erwin wasn't angry at her. Not at all. "You don't have to thank me for that."

Even before Erwin could reply, however, they heard you talk. It's a weak one. He scooted nearer and urged you to repeat it.

"Erwin… Nightmares…"

Isabel shot the man a look but he was as taken aback as she was. You never mentioned anyone's name aside from your mother and brother since you woke up. She scooted nearer as well, "You're not having nightmares, and yeah, Erwin's here."

"It's okay, you don't need to…" You murmured again, your face still dead. "...nightmares about them while holding me." As if you're a robot.

Isabel turned to Erwin again. Despite the shock, he still managed to answer. "Your words are enough for now."

Your response almost made Isabel gasp; you smiled, a genuine one at that.

"Can you go outside first? I'll talk to her." Erwin said to Isabel without shooting her a look. She quickly nodded and excused herself.

You didn't say anything after that so Erwin called your name as if to test the water, "You're back now."

Your face went back to flatness again. "I'll stay here. You don't need to convince me anymore. I'd love to…" Then your words become too incoherent to comprehend.

"That's right. You're here. You're talking to me."

"We can do the things we weren't able to do before. I would love to have that life. Inside the walls." You murmured flatly again.

Never in his life had he imagined himself to be so utterly lost on what to do. What would wake you up? What'd snap you back, perhaps a cue that'd make your mind perceive where you really are? 

After a long while of pondering, he started. "Seems like you ran from Levi's place up to here. That tea helps a lot with relaxation—" He trailed and urged himself to recall more. What did he say to you that day? "…welcome to my class. You may sit wherever."

Slowly but surely, your eyes widened. You're suddenly scared and your breath hitched. He let you process that at first.

When you started calling out for Historia, that's when he cupped your face and turned you to him. "There, there. Finally realized what world you're in now?" You looked completely horrified as soon as your eyes landed on him though. You're on that day again — the first time you met him, the moment you saw the man in your nightmares up front.

He quickly recalled another fragment of conversation to calm you down somehow. He can't afford to make you faint. "…if I get to remember the fact that I charged soldiers to death even by dreams then I have to atone for it." Slowly and fortunately, your reaction changed again. You curled your eyebrows as if questioning what he just said. It was the same one you gave him when he calmed you down at the lantern. 

It's working. "I don’t think we’ll see each other die in this world somehow." He almost choked midway, maybe due to the bitter feeling that remark exuded. Still, he continued. "—perhaps we could take that instead?" Your expression still had a hint of doubt but more relief washed your face now. Just the same one he saw when he picked you up on the road that midnight.

Another one, then, perhaps the last one if fortunate enough. "Setting an equal ground with me will not happen in that room and I'm close to finishing that nightmare. I'm preparing you for it."

"Are you gonna leave me after that?" You suddenly huffed in disbelief. "You said you won't!"

There.

"Try to look around then. Did I leave you?"

Finally, for the first time since you woke up, you looked around your surroundings. He removed his palms on your cheeks and regained his seat to give you air.

Still not done. The grounding is the next one. He asked you to label stuff: five things to see, four things to feel, three things to hear, and more. He made you raise a hand up, and more things to check on your movements.

It took quite a while to finish but when you did everything he asked for, Erwin finally smiled — the first genuine smile he had for a long time. Slowly but surely, he was able to come to terms with his ponders again. Whether or not his existence is inherently wicked, you came back here to forgive him. Like the dearest girl that you are, holding him with so much importance, saving him with your unwavering affection every single time.

He sat on the bed, tipped your chin, and called your name. "You did so, so well. You've been such a strong girl for us. You don't need to worry anymore. Everything's okay now."

It took you a while to reply. When you finally realized everything, you shakily asked. "Really? It is?"

"It is." He went for a kiss, then. A completely gentle one that lasted for a moment, something that both of you thought was gone for good. "Thank you for coming to me again."

The one who started his life selfishly was the one to let go, while the other who embodied selflessness in his entirety clung desperately.

what you wish for the commander, above anything else, is that he'd be happy worlds beyond. if he finds someone in the world where you managed to save him then what is to be sad for? indeed, he knows it well just as he knows you. he did as you want. but then again, what is grief if not love persevering? no matter how able are them to take the world off his shoulders or turn the stormy cloud into a rainbow, there'll still be a glimpse of you lurking around his windows—or perhaps on his own reflection, on the sword, even on his emerald bolo tie—for your existence is a shredding light, always illuminating the dreariest of days.

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[hotch-stufff]

Surprise, Surprise

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x F!reader

Warnings!: there are no warnings, im not telling you a single thing. It's a surprise. Just read and find out ;)

Also, as much as I love him, Jack does not exist in this story, wasn't really sure how to write him in.

Author's Note: I'm so sorry that I haven't written in a while, I have had no inspiration and my bf dumped me so... ya'know that was nice. Anyways, finally getting some inspo, hopefully I will be writing more. Hope you guys enjoy this one :) Also, the mood board is mine, but the images are all from pintrest.

Word count: 1.4 k words

This is an emotional roller coaster

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You couldn't breathe.

You couldn't move, or speak.

Your knees gave out as you fell to the floor, sobs racking your body.

You felt arms wrap around you, but it didn't help. You were suffocating. He was your air, and he had just been ripped from your lungs. 

He was gone, dead.

Your husband.

The love of your life.

Aaron Hotchner was dead

* * *

You don't remember anything after the doctor uttered those words. You don't remember Rossi picking you up and holding you. You don't remember the sad glances, the tears shed by your teammates. You don't remember the car ride to your now empty shared apartment. You don't remember lying down and sobbing into the pillow for hours.

No, you only remember the pain. The unbearable pain of loss.

He was gone. Really gone.

You cried and cried for hours on end. Until you had no tears left to shed. 

Then you just lied there, staring at the wall, gripping his favorite shirt in your arms, remembering every little moment with him.

And it hurt like hell just thinking of everything you did with him. The day you met. Your first kiss, your first date. The day he proposed. Your wedding. Every little thing. 

And you wouldn't be able to do anything else. You wouldn't have kids with him. You guys had just talked about having a baby just the other day. He wanted one so bad. 

You shouldn't have waited.

Because now, now he was gone.

* * *

The next few days were a blur. You found yourself with home-cooked meals overflowing your fridge. A team member at your house every night. But it was all a blur.

All meaningless without Aaron.

The funeral was coming up. You didn't make any arrangements, you asked Rossi if he could handle it and he quickly agreed. 

He had taken care of finding the casket, picking a place, and finding a burial site. Everything. 

The only thing you had asked for was a closed casket.

You couldn't handle looking at him.

* * *

On the day of the funeral, the girls all came over to help you get ready. 

"Alright y/n, do you have a dress?" Penny asked as she walked out of kitchen.

"In the closet." You croaked. Your voice being hoarse from the crying and lack of speaking for the past two weeks.

"Okay I'll grab that, and shoes. Jj is going to make you breakfast and Em is going to do your hair okay?" You gave her a sad smile and a small okay.

Penny quickly walked back your hallway as Em began pulling your hair back in a low ponytail. You felt the tears begin slipping down your face once again.

Jj saw as she walked back in the room with a bagel and coffee.

"Oh sweetheart." And the dam broke. They comforted you the best they could. But they couldn't even imagine what you were going through, because he was gone.

* * *

The funeral was a blur. It seemed like everything was these days. 

It was a beautiful service. You don't remember much. Lots of hugs and 'sorry for your loss's.

It had gone quickly, and soon you found yourself in Rossi's living room. Everyone but the team had left, you sat alone. The rest were in the kitchen cleaning up.

You didn't move from your spot, sipping your wine.

Everyone walked in, and found spots around you.

It was silent. Not a single word was spoken.

"I'm taking a leave of absence." You spoke.

6 pairs of eyes shot to you, but they couldn't say they were surprised.

"It's just too much. I'm not ready to come back." Your voice was quiet. Rossi was the first to say anything.

"Take all the time you need." 

* * *

And you did. You spent about 3 months in that apartment, alone and sad and heartbroken. 

But you realized that Aaron would never want you to live like this. And you really needed to be able to pay the bills.

So after those 3 months, you gave Rossi a call. He had become until chief since you had left, and he instantly accepted you back to the team.

You were slowly getting better. 

Each passing case a distraction. 

Each one fixing you just a bit more. 

Each one giving your life a purpose, a meaning again.

And you felt better. You stopped crying yourself to sleep. You stopped sitting in silence for hours on end. You stopped crying every time you thought about him.

But you still visited him every week. You still thought about him everyday. You still wore your wedding rings, refusing to take them off.

But you were better. 

* * *

A few more months went by and you started going out with the team again. You spent more time with them. Almost every weekend. And you were somewhat okay.

And it wasn't until about 8 months after his death did your world come to another crashing halt.

You had been called in to the BAU, not entirely sure why, but you came in none the less. 

You figured it was a case, but Jj hadn't specified on the phone, which was strange.

You had walked up to the conference room, and were surprised to see the whole team sitting there ready to go. 

"Hey guys, do we have a case?" You asked, but Jj sent you a sad look causing you to grow worried.

"Y/n, you should sit down for this." You had no idea what was going on. What on earth was happening. "Peter Raymond recently resurfaced, and was taken into custody this morning about an hour ago. He resisted arrest and pulled a gun on an officer. He was shot and killed." Your heart hammered in your chest. He was gone. The bastard who killed your husband was gone. Rossi stood walking towards Jj.

A pit grew in your stomach, there was more, something you didn't know.

"8 months ago I made a decision that greatly affected this team. Aaron Hotchner received substantial injuries from the wounds he endured, but his surgery was a success and he was airlifted to an unknown location. His identity was changed in order to keep him safe. But he is alive." 

You couldn't believe your ears. He was alive. Alive? 

Your eyes shot to the door and there he stood. 

Aaron Hotchner. 

You couldn't breathe. 

You couldn't move or speak. 

He was alive, you should be ecstatic.

But you only felt anger.

Your eyes shot to Rossi.

"How dare you." You whispered out, surprising the team. You weren't an angry person, you never yelled at your teammates. But you, you were seething. "How could you do that. You knew he was alive and yet you let me suffer. You watched as I cried day and night. You watched as I let myself go, as I lost myself." You shook your head in anger.

Aaron stepped forward reaching out for you, but you shook your head.

"Dont touch me. Don't fucking touch me." You felt the tears fall down your face. Again. "You left me. You're dead. You're gone. Y-you left." You were shaking and crying and once again Aaron reached out for you, but this time you let him.

He brought you into a crushing hug, holding you like you had begged to be held for months. 

He was here, really here. You could smell and feel and see him. He was really here.

"Y-you bastard. You left me." You whispered desperately as you cried into his shirt. 

The team was quick to disperse. They too were mad at Rossi, and they wanted to reunite with Hotch. But they left you be, at least for now.

Aaron pulled back slightly, looking down at you.

"Sweetheart I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't have to. But he would have killed you and then he would have killed me." He had tears running down his face as well now. But you were so angry at him.

You pushed him away.

"I could have gone with you Aaron. You could have gone into witsec. You didn't need to fake your fucking death Aaron!" You yelled at him. you couldn't even believe you were eating this conversation.

"Y/n please, I'm so sorry." You were mad yeah, but you were so overwhelmingly relieved that it overpowered your anger. "I missed you sweetheart." He whispered out and you broke just a little bit more.

"You bastard. Y-you stupid man." You pulled him back to you and slammed your lips together. "You stupid, stupid man." You gasped out between kisses. 

"I know, I'm so sorry. I love you." He stated after you pulled away.

"I-I love you too." You were sobbing at this point.. "Don't ever do that to me again." He nodded, leaning in to kiss you again.

And you kissed your husband.

Because he wasn't gone. 

He was right here.

And god did it feel amazing to have him back

------------

Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! Currently I'm only taking requests from my prompt list, which is right here! School is starting up soon though, so i may not be writing very often, but i will definitely try! Anyways, if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.

[omg-imatotalmess]

Better Than Your Pillow

Hey guys! There was an anon that asked for a little more sub!neville as a cure for their blues, and I couldn’t resist. Sub!neville is chicken soup for the soul. Hope y’all enjoy!

Pairing: Neville Longbottom x Reader

Requested: Ye

Anonymous Requested: i need more sub neville. i’m so sad

Warnings: Pillow humping, mild voyeurism, fingering, dirty talk, mild praise kink, sub!neville, dom!reader, swearing

                                                             ---

If you hadn’t seen it with your own eyes, you wouldn’t have believed it. Neville. Your sweet, shy, ever awkward Neville curled over his pillow, humping it with the desperation of a dog in heat. All while spilling the filthiest fantasies into the open air. Every one of them revolving around you. In your shock, all you could do was take it in. And you couldn’t say you minded. He was really putting on a good show.

“(Y/N)! Fuck, I’ll be your good boy!” he cried, fisting his sheets like they were the only things keeping him steady.

“I’ll be so good! Use me however you want. Please, I want you to!” he babbled. His hips shifted faster, maybe imagining your reply. You certainly knew what it would be.

You took a step further into the room, closing the door quietly so as not to disturb the scene in front of you. It was everything you’d ever hoped for—the amalgamation of every wet dream you’d ever had wrapped up in a pretty bow. Well, in an argyle sweater vest, actually. Leaning against the bedpost, you let his sheer want wash over you. It was heavy and searing but more perfect than you ever could have imagined. And from there, you could see his face. The way his mouth gaped open, chest heaving with every sound out of him and his eyes screwed shut against the onslaught of pleasure your phantom self was giving him. It made you wonder what he’d look like if he got the real thing. You couldn’t believe Neville hadn’t noticed you yet. Then again, he was too busy talking to hear your own labored breaths.

“Do anything you want to me! Please, I’m yours. Your little slut to play with! Tie me up and play with me until you’re satisfied!” he begged.

“If that’s what you want.” The words slipped out of your mouth completely unbidden.

“(Y/N)?!” he squeaked.

“You were late to our study session,” you said.

“I-I’m so sorry. Merlin, I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life. Let me just p-put my trousers on an-and I’ll be there in a minute,” he rambled, scrambling into a sitting position with the pillow doing very little to conceal his flushed, dripping cock.

“Don’t stop on my account,” you said, a smile curling at the corner of your mouth, “It looked like you were just getting to the good bit.”

“Please don’t tease me,” he moaned, covering his face with his hands.

“Who’s teasing?” you asked, feeling a smile curling at the corner of your mouth.

“Why can’t the castle just swallow me whole and put me out of my misery?” he said miserably. It was like he hadn’t heard you.

“Who’s teasing, Nev? I’m interested,” you said.

“I-Interested?” he sputtered, head shooting up.

“Mm-hmm, I’d love to help you out. If you want me to, that is. If not, I’ll leave, and we’ll pretend this never happened,” you offered.

Blinking at you with big, slightly unsure eyes, Neville let his pillow slip off his lap. He wanted to. You could tell that much. The way his eyes trailed up and down your body was leaving you a little hot under the collar. Smiling, you waited for him to answer. It was his decision, and who were you to rush him? Taking in a shaky breath, he reached for you, pulling you gently onto the bed while trying not to look you in the eyes.

“Please?” he whispered.

“Please what?” you asked despite the knowing glint in your eye.

“Please, touch me,” he muttered shyly.

“Like this?” you asked, drawing patterns over his plush thigh with your fingertips, just barely brushing his cock each time. It jumped with each gentle attention.

“(Y/N),” he whined. You gave him a wolfish grin.

“I guess I did say I wasn’t teasing,” you said. “Undress me.”

“A-Are you sure?” Despite the question, he was already working the buttons of your shirt with shaking hands, popping them open one by one.

“Hurry up. I don’t like to be kept waiting,” you ordered.

“A-Alright. Anything you want,” he breathed, yanking your shirt the rest of the way open and pushing it off your shoulders before making quick work of your pants. Each item was laid carefully beside the bed as soon as it left you. Before long, you were bare in front of him as his eyes roamed your body. It was like you’d showed him Eden. He couldn’t figure out where to look first. You smiled, pulling him toward you by his sweater vest. God, you were glad he’d kept it on.

“Good boy,” you purred, “Now, I want you to finger me open until I’m nice and ready to take that pretty cock of yours.”

“Okay, okay,” he said, reaching blindly for the bottle of lube he’d tossed on the edge of the bed when he started.

Slicking up his fingers, he stroked over you a few times just to excite you a little more. Also likely just to touch you like that. You let him. Bringing your hands to your own chest, you pinched and tugged at your nipples lightly. Partly to add to the sensation of Neville’s fingers stroking your sex and partly to put on a show. He watched your fingers dancing over your chest for a moment before bringing his eyes to yours.

“Can I-Can I suck them?”

“Kiss me first,” you said. As his lips touched your own, he pressed a finger into you gently. Groaning, you arched your back and bit down on his lip. When he let out a thin whine, you laved your tongue over the spot. The two of you stayed like that for a bit, his finger moving in you, kissing you as though the world was burning down around you. Then you pulled back. Dragging in a deep breath, you fisted his hair.

“Go on. Use your mouth.” He didn’t need to be told twice. Licking and sucking at your nipples as he added fingers. His tongue flickered over one hardened bud, pressing his fingers into you all the more eagerly.  For a while, you simply lost yourself to the sensation.

“(Y/N),” he whined, grinding his dripping cock against your leg.

“Be a good little slut and beg for it,” you said.

“Please, please, I’ll do anything you want! I’ll be such a good boy for you. I will. So good. Please, (Y/N), let me put it in. Can I put it in?” he plead, practically humping your leg like he’d been humping his pillow earlier.

“You really want it?” you teased.

“Yes! So much! I’ll be such a good boy,” he promised.

“Fuck me.” Your voice was low and sharp—an order. One that he couldn’t have resisted even if he wanted to. He pressed into you slowly, watching you to make sure you were enjoying yourself. Each inch was a little more heaven than the last. Growling, you tugged his hair and bucked your hips down impatiently.

“I-I’m trying to be gentle,” he whimpered, shaking in your grip.

“Who the fuck asked for gentle?” you snarled, yanking his hair savagely. “I said fuck me, Neville!”

“Ooooooh!” A long howl burst from his mouth as he thrust into you recklessly, which you silenced with your mouth. Swallowing down his pathetic, little sounds of please and trading them for yours. His hips pounded against yours, encouraged by your heels digging into the small of his back. At this point, you couldn’t tell if he was chasing his pleasure or yours. You didn't care. It was all the same.

“Fuck, there! Good boy, right there!” you groaned.

“Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you...” his thanks became a chant into the crook of your neck. He only interrupted it to sink his teeth into it every now and then.

“Harder!” Obedient as you expected, he fucked into you hard enough to scoot the two of you up the bed. The sound of the headboard slamming against the wall was just background noise to you. Neville’s drawn-out, sobbing moans were far more interesting.

“Close,” he breathed.

“Don’t you dare cum before I do,” you hissed in his ear.

“Please, please, (Y/N). So close,” he begged. His hips had completely lost any semblance of rhythm. They just pistoned away unevenly, somehow managing to hit exactly where you wanted it most.

“C’mon, a little more. Almost...!” Your words trailed off into a long, high moan as your orgasm washed over you. For a moment, the world whited out. All you could feel was Neville driving himself into you like a man unhinged and wave after wave of pleasure. When you finally came back to earth, Neville was hammering into you, sobbing incoherent pleas into your shoulder.

“Can I cum? Please?” he sobbed.

“Cum for me,” you said. And he was gone. His teeth sunk into your shoulder, but it did nothing to stifle his shout of pleasure. You could feel his hands leaving bruises on your hips, but you didn’t mind. Not as he shook on top of you, pumping his cock in you a few final times before collapsing on top of you. Smiling, you pressed a kiss to his sweaty hair.

“Better than you pillow?” you giggled after a moment of catching your breath.

“I’m never going to live this down,” he muttered, keeping his face buried in your neck.

“If it makes you feel better, I’ve never cum so hard in my life,” you said. Pulling back, he looked down at you with a good measure of surprise on his face.

“R-Really? I was good?” he stuttered in disbelief.

“So fucking good. Jesus Christ, Nev, I almost blacked out,” you said. He made a pinched-off sound, dipping his face out of your eyesight. After another moment of silence, he spoke up.

“Thank you,” he said.

“No problem. If you ever wanna do that again, come find me,” you said, carding your fingers gently through his hair.

“Can I take you on a d-date first?” he asked shyly.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that, but how about a nap first,” you said. Nodding, he curled up against your side and dropped off almost immediately. You, however, laid awake for a bit. That was so much better than studying. And definitely better than his pillow.

[storiesofthesahabah]

You're tired.

You feel like life is throwing too much on you, you delay your salah and at times to a point that you miss it. You feel stressed out as if there's no more way out from all the problems you are facing. You feel unhappy that even through listening to Islamic lectures or the Qur'an - your heart still feels empty.

Indeed, you are positive that you have drifted away - that you are truly lost.

Yet, here you are - reading this post because you saw "hold on" on the poster. Doesn't that tell you something? Yes, you want to read this because you are holding on - you are looking for a way out. You have not totally drifted away from Allah rather Allah is still calling you back to Him.

Wandering soul, you have to understand that a believer's heart will always become uneasy when it has swayed away from its Creator. Whatever you are feeling now - this emptiness, this depression, this sadness and all those negative emotions - its a result of your abandonment of Allah and the Qur'an - nothing else.

You"think" you may have many "reasons" to justify why you are in such situations such as:

[1] you find it hard to marry someone.

Have you not thought that maybe you are in a haraam relationship or that you are having idle talks with the opposite sex or just ultimately you are not doing the means of asking Allah for it?

[2] you are in so much debt.

Have you not thought that maybe you are in this mess because you are earning from a thing that is haraam or has riba (interest) in it? Give sadaqah even a smile or a good word is sadaqah. Do not be greedy on it.

[3] your marriage is on the rocks.

Have you not thought that maybe your relationship has gone downhill because you have made your spouse greater in position in your life than Allah? Recollect your thoughts. The more a couple is closer to Allah, so will their relationship will be.

[4] you are failing in everything you seem to do.

Have you not thought that maybe you are having so much screen time that you get so lazy in studying or revising. Remember, Allah is the one who brings ease, he told you this in the Qur'an not only once - but twice. Inna ma'al usri yusra.

These are just maybe the couple of challenges that us, nowadays, face yet let me give you some samples that would make you realize how minute these challenges we face compared to the people who came before us.

_____

Julaybib Radiyallahu Anhu - I know a lot of you may have heard about his story but let me just tell you a glimpse of it - he found it very hard to get married due to his appearance yet his adaab and akhlaaq were such high that our beloved Prophet Muhammad took him as his own.

Due to his diligence upon Allah and his perfection of his faith, Allah showered him with the blessings of raising his status both here in the dunya and akhirah. Allah blessed him with a great woman to be his wife as well - all of this because he held on (to Allah). So, hold on. [1]

_____

Mus'ab Ibn Umair Radiyallahu Anhu - if you have been reading my posts, then I am sure you would have come across his story in one of them. He was known as the flower of the Qurash - due to his appearance and status. He was so handsome and came from a high status and prominent family. He was known for his lavish clothes, as well.

When Islam came, he was one of the few people who accepted it and due to this his family threw him out from their lives and along with it all of the luxuries. He was the person that when the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalaam see, he would tear up because of the sacrifices he has done for Islam and being with him.

My dear brothers and sisters in Islam, you may be in debt which is a thing that you can repay here and there but imagine Mus'ab - he was left with nothing and know that he was brought up with all the luxuries in life so his life turned 360 in just one day.

With his tolerance and great sacrifice, Allah raised his status by making him the first envoy of Islam. He was the first messenger that was sent to Madinah to do dawah before our Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalaam made hijrah - all of this because he hold

on (to Allah), So hold on. [2]

_____

Umm Hakeem Bint Harith Radiyallahu Anha - I wrote about this beautiful woman in one of my posts. She is the wife of Ikrimah - the son of Abu Jahl. Her love story is very fascinating. She is an epitome of patience and true love, indeed.

When she entered the fold of Islam, her husband Ikrimah fled to Yemen out of the fear that he may be put on the sword as Muslims have finally conquered Makkah. So, instead of just living her new life as a Muslim - she made a plea to the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalaam instead that to give her the chance to convince her husband to come into the fold of Islam as she believes her husband will be of a useful man for Islam.

So she went on to search for her husband - the story is quite long but as soon as she found her husband - she did her best to convince him and indeed Ikrimah joined her back to Makkah and ultimately entered the fold of Islam.

If your marriage are on the rocks - then imagine Umm Hakeem's situation that time - just because she entered the fold of Islam - she was left all alone and fragile but she never gave up on her husband and indeed if our love is true for our spouse - we won't just give up on him/her - we will do whatever it takes to save them, so even with the amplest faith left - she held on (to Allah). So, hold on. [3]

_____

The Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalam - there is no introduction needed for this great man. Rather, I want to remind you of his encounter with the people of Taif when he was thrown rocks at to the point that only his sandals were not covered with blood.

And before this incident happened, he tried to talk to the people and the leaders of the tribe of Ta'if and failure upon failure did he get to the extend that he was shattered with blood with their rocks. Yet, when he was pale and in pain and Jibrail Alaihi Salaam came and asked him if he wanted to take revenge on the people of Taif - our beloved Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalaam said no because he held on (to Allah) that someone amongst in the progeny of these people might become a follower of Islam.

Imagine the physical abuse he had gone through, and we are here just feeling depressed as if the work has turned its back on us - he was covered with blood while here we are reading this post in the comfort of our homes - yet we still feel everything is going downhill.

He Sallallahu Alaihi Wassalaam held on (to Allah), So hold on. [4]

______

My dear brothers and sisters, true and ultimate failure is the abandonment of Allah and the Qur'an. We reap what we sow. If we walk into this life deluded with the tricks of Shaitaan and giving into each of them - then we have indeed, failed our test here and ultimately we will face that on the day we meet Allah.

Yet, if we walk into this life with the light of Islam and abiding to what has been given to us in accordance of this beautiful way of life, then be ready to harvest the rewards of it on the day we finally all enter Jannah.

A simple thought that you can also go by, if all of the above has not affected your heart - Jannah. Imagine, just imagine the day you enter the gates of Jannah. So hold on, hold tight to Allah.

Allah isn't the one who has let you go, you are the one who let go - yet His Mercy is still there - so Hold on to it.

Hold on. Jannah - in there is the true success.

_____

May Allah make it easy for all of us.

Amin

Zohayma

_____

Most of the stories were paraphrased. You can find more of the stories here:

[1] Tafsir Ibn Kathir, Surah Al-Ahzab

[2] Men Around the Messenger

[3] Commanders of the Muslim Army, Ghadanfar, p. 161-165

[4] Muslim, Kitab ul Jihad

-

[missblissy]

Hi!! I want some pain so the Hurt/comfort post, about Alastor x reader with 1, 2, 4, 12??

((Of course Nonny!! Sorry for such a wait!! I've got a lot of these to work on lol. REMEMBER!! REQUEST ARE CLOSED RIGHT NOW, EVERYONE!! IF YOU SEND ONE IN I WILL NOT DO IT! I've had a few other people send some in and I'm sorry to say I have to delete them. I do not have any more room to take any more prompt requests. Thank you everyone for understanding! NOW.... Enjoy the Modern!AU Angst >:D))

1: “We need to stop the bleeding – now!” 2: “I hate to see you hurt like this.” 4: “I want to help you, so please let me.” 12: “You’re normally the tough guy. Today, let me be tough for the both of us.”

Something about today had felt off. Ever since you woke up, it just felt... not right. As if your mind already knew what was going to happen before it actually did. But no one can really know that for sure. That's why it's called a gut feeling. And that feeling told you that today... You might just die.

You've tasted blood before. But for some reason this time it tasted sweet, rather than bitter, and full of iron. There wasn't much for you to focus on other than the lights from the ceiling flickering over your head. You faintly heard a doctor screaming, "We need to stop the bleeding! BP is dropping- Let's go! Now!"

How did you end up here again, violently broken and bleeding out? Oh, that's right... You were driving home after work. It was another late shift during the dead hours of the night. Drunk drivers were often out during these hours of the night. One just so happened to hit you, and now you're here in a hospital.

You just wanted to go home and sleep. You wanted to lay beside your husband and not have to worry about anything. That was not your case, however. And instead, you tried your best to speak. A nurse who was pushing you along the gurney said, "It's alright, we'll help you, you're safe now." But all you wanted to do was ask about your husband. For someone to tell him what was going on. You were sure he was at home, sleeping soundly and without a clue what had happened.

And Alastor wouldn't find out until the next morning. He'd wake up to several missed calls from dozens of people and some he didn't even know. This man didn't even get dressed. He ran out of the house still in his pajamas and floored it to the hospital. Along the way there, Alastor would throw a massive fit. He'd smash his hands on the steering wheel, beating himself up over not getting there sooner.

He'd curse and swear and honestly drive like a maniac. Every red light he got caught at only made him angrier with the world. His tires would spin and shoot smoke the second the light flickered green and off he rushed again.

Luckily, you were out of surgery long before Alastor got to the hospital. A nurse walked him to your room, and he found himself staring at a sight he'd never imagine. You were broken beyond belief. The nurse gave Alastor a sorry look, "Everything's stable, for now," The nurse said, "But...." She shook her head, "It was one of the worse car accidents we've ever seen. We did everything we could-"

"Coma..." Alastor said the single word, "Induced or?" The nurse shook her head.

"Brain damage, though there is still plenty of brain activity," That was good to hear. It meant you weren't brain dead... yet. The nurse gave him a sorry look, then with a nod of her head, she left him there. Alastor slowly walked into your room and closed the door behind him. He even turned all the blinds so no one could see in the little windows from the hallways. Everything felt wrong.

He stood at your bedside. Taking in everything. The tubes, the machines, the wires. Almost immediately he felt his eyes burn with the threat of tears. And when he placed a hand on your cheek he couldn't stop the waves of them rushing down his face.

The sheer pain of the situation made Alastor sob like a child for the first time in his adult life. He sat down beside you and grabbed your hand, "Dammit..." He squeezed tightly, "Dammit!" He let out a little shout and brought your hand to his cheek, "I hate this-" He let out a small cry, "I hate to see you like this, my poor dear-"

He couldn't stop the waves of tears sobbing from his eyes. He'd never let himself cry like this before, but he felt like if he didn't cry, he wouldn't have the chance to later. With anger, he ran a hand over his face, aggressively wiping his tears. He threw his glasses off his face and they clinked to the floor. Alastor's fingers ringed into his hair as he let out another sob and pushed his bangs out of his face. He had completely lost all of his composure. Every part of him was breaking down.

Alastor sat down in the chair by your bedside and buried his head in one of his hands. With his other hand, he still held firm to yours. His fingers dug into your skin as let out another sob, "Please-" He hiccuped, "Please...!" He looked up at your unconscious face with watery dark eyes, "Please be okay," He whispered the words out quickly as he brought your hand to his lips, "Please let me help you-" He spoke the words against your skin, "I want to help you- Please let me... Just!" He paused for another quick sob, "Please just give me a sign your still in there..."

He was never a man to pray to any kind of god. He didn't believe there was one, to begin with. But Alastor found himself praying, hoping that anything would happen. He couldn't lose you, and certainly not like this. You never sign any DNR papers or made it clear to your doctors that you didn't want to be resuscitated. But you did tell Alastor if there ever came a day that you needed machines to keep you alive, you had asked him to pull the plug.

With the weight of what was once just a silly conversation that had now come true, Alastor found himself drowning in misery. He rested his head on the back of your hand as sat in his chair. He looked at his glasses on the ground as tears splattered around them, "I don't want to kill you," He whispered with a cry, "I don't want to unplug you if there is a chance you'll come out of this."

The stone-cold silence lasted only a second between the beats of your heart monitor. A beep, then silence. Another beep, then silence again. Alastor found himself swelling with rage and anger, but mostly sadness. He shook his head slowly as he stared at the ground. This can't be happening... He thought This has to be a dream... This-

Something sounded off. The beeps were getting... faster? Alastor looked up and stared at the monitors. He didn't understand any of them, there were so many, but something was happening. He watched numbers flicker and change when suddenly he felt a tug at his hand.

You didn't make a sound or hardly move but you're squeezed his hand. Alastor had never been so hopeful for something so small. He shot out of his chair with enough force to tip it over behind him.

"Darling!?" Alastor firmly gripped your hand and leaned over you. He let his free hand brush your hair out of your face as he asked, "Darling, please, for the love of god- Can you hear me?"

He waited, and waited some more. Suddenly her felt your hand squeeze him again while he searched your face for any signs, "oh my god-" He whispered to himself as he watched your face twitch with pain before your eyes flickered open. With lightning speed Alastor ran to the door of your room and swung it open, "Someone get a nurse!" He shouted into the hallway, "Please!" He ignored most of the odd stares he was getting.

It wasn't a second later that a small team of nurses rushed in to check on you. You had certainly woken up and the tubes down your throat were not comfortable at all. The intubation tubes were removed, along with the feeding tubes, while others updated your stats. Alastor waited nervously in the corner of the room as he watched a team of people work over you. He felt so helpless that he couldn't watch for long. He'd leave the room and wait in the hallway, trying his best to ignore the painful coughs and groans as tubes were pulled out of your throat.

When the nurses left, Alastor quickly went back into the room and to your side. You had only just started breathing on your own again. It was much harder to breathe than ever before, but you still managed. You were still groggy, swore, and very much in pain. Despite this, you still let the smallest and weakest smile crawl along your lips, "Hey..." Was the first thing you said to your husband.

You watched as Alastor's eyes flickered all over your form. From the casts, the pins, the cuts, and bruises. He searched your face for serval minutes than began a weak laugh that sounded similar to a cry, "H-hey..." He said with a long sigh, he even tried to wear a smile that just didn't sit right on his face.

"Al..." You raised a weak and tired hand to his face. He immediately pressed his cheek into the palm of your hand and shook his head, "I'm sorry," You said. But you had nothing to be sorry for, you didn't cause this or intend for it to happen.

He couldn't say anything, Alastor was too caught up with his feelings. You watched him break down all over again as if he was still living with the fear that you might die, "Hey- hey," You raised your hand slightly and made him look at you, "I'm alright," It was hard to see him so broken down like this, "I'm okay, I'm here." You reassured him, "I'm not going anywhere."

Alastor shook his head quickly as if he didn't want to bother you with his feelings. He sucked in a quick gasp for air then sobbed out, "I'm not strong enough to deal with something like this- Ever-.... I can't lose you." He said quickly.

You couldn't really scoot over but thankfully the bed was rather large. You gave Alastor's arm a tug and he quickly climb in and curled up beside you. He was careful to stay clear of any broken bones as he made himself comfortable.

You stared at the ceiling while Alastor shut his eyes and buried himself into the crook of your neck, you used your free hand to comb his hair despite the pain it caused you to move, "That's alright," You finally told him, "No one is strong enough to deal with something like this. You're normally so tough and good at hiding your emotions. But you don't have to do that. I'm alive, I lived, I can be tough enough for the both of us, even if it's just for today."

Alastor curled himself as close as he could beside you. He wanted nothing more than to hide and forget about this day, he knew how impossible that was but he still wanted it. You could feel his tears running from his face and onto your skin. He couldn't stop crying when normally he never cried. He didn't even cry at his mother's funeral. Even though you were the one in the car accident, somehow you felt that Alastor was in the most pain.

"Please don't ever leave me," His voice was raspy and broken as he spoke against the skin of your neck.

With a sad and sorry look on your face, you did your best to pull him closer and wrap your arm around him. You pressed your forehead against his and you felt a set of tears drop from your eyes. You did your best to smile as you spoke, "I won't," You promised, "I'll never leave you, I'll always be here."

[hansolmates]

me time (m)

summary; the first time virgin!mc meets her mans (but she doesn’t know it yet) pairing; jungkook x virgin!mc genre/warnings; fluff, college!au, boarding house!au, based on the virgin!oc discourse, female masturbation (thanks to the pretty bridgertons), a lil sad and longing at the end w/c; 1.3k a/n; y’all really brought manhater!mc and virgin!mc to life! this couldn’t be done without all of your fabulous input and support. obviously the virginverse is freeform at this point—think of this more as a prequel for these two. set in freshman year of college, when they’re just acquaintances. (do you guys think of cher from clueless when u think virgin!mc? very outgoing n’cute but also very innocent?) anyway, happy valentine’s day i hope you and your boo (whether digital or in-person) get your me/we time💖

Your wooden lap desk is toppled to the side. Good thing the space between the mattress and floor is small, your pink monstera-shaped rug softening the blow when your water bottle, pencils and laptop fall to the floor. In the back of your head you know everything is fine because the last episode of Bridgerton is still playing, an orchestral version of Ariana Grande’s Thank U, Next continuing on as if nothing’s astray. 

Yet you’re nothing but astray, forgotten about the episode and writhing against your too-small twin as you let yourself cum for the umpeeth time. 

You’ve lost track at this point (how couldn't you? Bridgerton is hot) but from the way your hair mats to your face like a second skin and your pussy feels spent and battered, it’s been awhile. This should be your new Valentine’s Day tradition, fucking yourself until you pass out on your vibrator. 

“Ah, ah fu—uck, yyyes!” 

The sheets are sopping. The grey cotton fabric does nothing to hide your juices that seep from your bare cunt to the mattress. Flinging your silicone toy to the side, you pull your hair up and out of your face. 

Water, you need water. Maybe a cup of green tea with a dollop of honey. Sugar always helps the immediate low after a good couple of rounds. 

However, you’ll never get used to the feeling of cleaning up yourself. The feeling that you’ve done something completely lewd all on your own, no one to assure you the things you’re doing are weird. It’s okay though. You love to be alone, it takes a lot for you to feel lonely. 

You slip on a pair of dolphin-cut shorts, too tiny that they are drowned beneath your emerald green slip dress. Quickly opening the door to your room, you’re met with absolute silence. White walls containing empty rooms and a living room without a soul. Just like you’re expecting in a college boardhouse on Valentine’s Day. 

What you’re not expecting however, is Jeon Jungkook staring at you the second you crack your door open. 

“If you’re screaming that loud, your partner must be doing a good job.” 

Jungkook lives on the other side of the boarding house, therefore you’ve never really interacted with him. Excluding the landlord there’s only five other tenants, a group large enough that you’ve never had to have one-on-one with him. 

You really didn’t think anyone would be in the house on Valentine’s, especially Jungkook. He’s an absolute cutie pie, even though you don’t know anything about him. The only thing you really know is that his sparkly brown eyes are to die for, they remind you of coffee milk tea, a craving you only indulge in at the end of finals season. 

To your surprise, Jungkook looks like he hasn’t gone out all weekend. Him, single? As if! Yet you can’t justify any reasoning behind him being home if did have a girlfriend or boyfriend. His dark hair is fluffy and freshly showered, and you can’t ignore the smell of linens from his soft sweats and long navy hoodie. 

Normally, you’d be quiet during Me Time. You’ve perfected the art, stuffing your mouth with your pillow or playing action movies to muffle out the sound. You thought you were in the clear. The thought of Jungkook overhearing you turns you on a little, makes the dampness between your panties even more evident, but you keep that self-indulgent secret to yourself. 

“Oh, well,” you curl your lips in a smirk, closing the door behind you so he doesn’t see that your room is actually very much devoid of life, “she’s very powerful.” 

She, meaning your favorite vibrator in your entire world. It has ten settings and a heating mechanism. More importantly, it’s rechargeable. You don’t know how you’d survive freshman year otherwise. 

“Okay, TMI,” despite the fact Jungkook’s blushing he’s chuckling, holding a hand out for you in the narrow hallway, “after you.” 

You quickly slip past him, walking into the shared kitchenette. Bare feet slapping against the hardwood, your eyes immediately gravitate toward the upper cabinet. Jungkook is following you, presumably to get his own late night snack. When you lift your arms to reach your mug, you feel a little bit of cool air brush against the uppers of your thighs. It’s a nightgown, a pretty satin slip  that falls over your curves and leaves much to the imagination. A couple more centimeters to get your mug and you’ll be definitely flashing Jungkook. 

“Um,” you practically hear the twisted face he’s making. 

“Sorry—I’m sorry!” you blurt, waving your fingers to catch the handle of your mug, “I’m really not trying to flash you—please don’t fill a harassment report! I just can’t reach my mug.” 

“No, that’s my mug.” 

“What, no! I’ve been drinking from this mug all year!” 

“You’ve been drinking from my mug?” Jungkook is affronted, walking past you to easily grab the mug you’ve been struggling to reach for the past minute. He flexes the bottom part of the mug in your face, where his initials are painted in black. “This is my mug, my parents put my handprint on it when I was a year old.”  

It’s then you notice on the lower shelf, there’s an identical mug. This mug has been buried all the way in the back, dust collecting on the rim. It also has a baby handprint on it, although upon closer inspection it’s smaller and in a more faded shade of black. That’s your mug. 

“Oh, Jungkook,” you feel your heart fall all the way to your ass, feeling guilty, “I’m so sorry. I’ve washed it and everything, if it makes you feel any better.” 

He frowns, holding the white porcelain between his hands. A litany of ideas run through your brain. Is he disgusted by using the same mug as you? Have you potentially ruined a prized family treasure? 

Thrusting the mug into your chest he says, “Make me a hot chocolate and we’re even.” 

You smile a little, eager to please. You quickly get to work, simmering the pan with warm milk and melting chopped chocolate. You rinse your mug with some hot water, letting it sit next to his awaiting mug. For a bit of flair you add a capful of vanilla extract, all while Jungkook watches you with mild awe. The smell of sweet late night confections fill the kitchen, a fitting theme for a Valentine’s night. 

“You’re not burning the milk,” Jungkook murmurs more to himself than you, watching as you pour the hot chocolate in cups without spilling a drop. 

Jungkook is known to burn things in the house. The only thing he doesn’t burn is ramen, and that’s purely due to survival skills. 

“What can I say, I’m an expert,” you wink, handing him his mug and you holding yours. 

With matching mugs, the two of you take your first sips of the melty beverage. You lean against the stove facing him, while he faces you against the marble island. Jungkook smiles and a bit of cocoa touches his petal pink lips. He says it’s perfect and you smile into your cup, absolutely swelling with pride. 

Jungkook’s probably working on his photos. He always says his editing bug is itchy at night. While in passing you’ve said you’d love to see his work, however that gesture of kindness never really amounted to anything. Maybe tonight’s the night. You like art, you’d love to be a little more educated with it. Just as you’re about to ask and strike up some conversation, Jungkook beats you to it. 

“Well, hope you and your partner have a good Valentine’s,” Jungkook holds his cup in salute, walking back into his room, “just keep it down.” 

Oh well. You sigh to yourself, letting Jungkook walk away without a fight or a retort. After all, it was you who implied you were sneaking in a bed partner tonight. Sinking your eyes into the brown liquid, you fall into a lull. The creamy liquid swirls in your grasp, making your muddied reflection ripple away. 

You love to be alone, but it takes someone like Jeon Jungkook to remind you that life gets a little lonely.