#malewife tournament

[nomsfaultau]

Philza Malewife Competition Round 2

Previous round: Cleaning. Current points: The Lambs Wolves Wear (1), everyone else (0)

For a quick synopsis for the fics I’m referencing- those are here

(Zoom in below cut) Where do babies come from?: Philza reheated a slice of pepperoni pizza. It’s on a paper towel so he doesn’t have to wash dishes after. Slightly rubbery and very greasy. But it must be good, since Philza’s leftovers are what lured a bunch of homeless kids to raid his fridge.

Lighting Lanterns to Bring You Home: Fried noodles with beef and roasted mushrooms and broccoli, and a side of dumplings. Comes with a blessing of plenty from the Harvest god Technoblade. Made in the style of his homeland, and it brings him comfort in a foreign country. The spices are from his far reaching travels when petitioning the gods of every people he could find, and leads to a very unique blend.

Golden Apples (Gilded Atrophy): A dish heavily featuring golden apples! Enjoy Philza’s apple pie, apple cider, and an enchanted god apple. Slight problem….it is magically addictive/mind controlling, will trigger a body horror furry transformation sequence, and Philza will try to kill you if you eat any of his golden apples……

The Lambs Wolves Wear: This Philza is poor and notably starving to death, but he strives to feed his family as well he can. So, have some fluffy biscuits! The wheat was threshed and ground by hand, and all the butter and milk came from his own cows. Or, what’s left of them. Also maple syrup candies that he got from town that he rations out for special occasions. Let’s just hope none of this is secretly one of “Wilbur’s” illusions designed to stop Philza from noticing he’s starving…

Fault: It’s tough getting ingredients while on the run, but in Fault we see Philza is rather resourceful! Here he has roasted wild rabbit haunch, a rabbit, acorn, and foraged herbs stew, and dandelion tea. Everything was either hunted or foraged himself. It’s cooked to perfection thanks to his mastery of fire. Plates are admittedly a luxury, but oak leaves work fine, right? The tea pot is a luxury he insists upon though, this one round up from one of his vaults and likely to get cracked in a fight, much to the chagrin of historians.

Mandatory Family Reunion: The lovely spread of crown roast pork, potatoes, and grapes was of course prepared by one of his master chefs. But he claims to have prepared the pork himself. Techno is worried it’s not pig they’re eating, but the Piglins.

Worth far more than your weight in gold: [Philza] brought home food for his picky chicks! He doesn’t understand what people eat, and is very stressed about Gold Chick [translator’s note: Tommy] not eating the dead squirrels he’s been bringing. Maybe a live Technoblade will taste better?

Lord, what fools these mortals be!: With a grin and a puff of smoke, Philza conjures a cake out of thin air. Featuring a wintry chocolate tree that would make Amaury Guichon weep, delicate floating wisps of clouds and mist made of spun sugar, and flying chocolate candles. The frosting crows even fly across the cake. What? What do you mean you want a PB&J? He still doesn’t know what that is!!

Close ups below

Man this was really good art practice

[girlbossmalewifetournament]

ROUND 1

FIGHT

VS

[malewife-swag-competition]

Round 1: Asgore Dreemurr vs Garmadon

Asgore Dreemurr (Undertale), malewife, "His wife was the brains of the kingdom, everyone considers him an absolute pushover, in Deltarune he is too kind to do his job properly and is almost going homeless while Toriel does prrtty much completely fine" Garmadon (ninjago), malewife, "Homeboy is the definition of malewife in the fandom, he's also become more malewife in the most recent season"

[alpacinocharactertournament]

im always thinking about them

[mizodorito]

CALLING ALL DIALTOWN FANS (AND MURDER DRONES FANS) THAT HAVE TWITTER

WE NEED YOUR HELP TO TAKE DOWN THE ONCELER IN THE ULTIMATE MALEWIFE POLL AND HAVE NAND RANDY MAKE IT TO THE THIRD ROUND.

RANDY IS CURRENTLY LOSING AND WE HAVE TO CHANGE THAT.

DO ANYTHING. ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO MAKE SURE THAT RANDY AND ALSO SERIAL DESIGNATION N CONTINUE TO STAY IN THE LEAD.

I believe in you all. Together we can make them one of the ultimate malewives of the whole world.

POLL IS ON MY TWITTER: mizodorito

btw if n wins this round i will draw him with a booty

[tournamentdirectory]

Malewifes... I have nothing more to add. @fictional-malewife-tournament finds the most fictional, most malewifish of them all!

[sparklebyte]

idk if this has been done before but if i made a best malewife/girlboss tournament would yall been interested?

[chebyshevptera]

i like how agent w is always carrying his blaster . i would tell him to get the fuck out of my room too if he was kissing me goodnight with a gun in his hand

@chebyshevptera couldnt figure out how to add more than 1 image to an ask so they get their own post. i wasnt kidding when i said i play with jpegs like dolls

[girllbossmalewifeduos]

Hi There :)

Welcome to the Girlboss/Malewife Duos tournament!

I'll Cut right to the chase so, Rules:

The Duo DO NOT HAVE TO be a couple! If they ARE a couple they get extra brownie points, but it is not a requirement. Best Friends and Siblings are allowed

With that said, they do have to be Male Presenting/Female Presenting. A Female Wife is just a Wife and a Male Boss is just an Asshole Boss

Girlbosses get extra points if they are messy/Crazy/Have some of the most batshit insane character flaws but you love them because of it. Girlbosses are Humans Too

This is just for fun!

Only Series Banned is Harry Potter

No Actual Real Life People

SUBMISSIONS ARE CLOSED!!

Day Two Duo Stats

Please come to me for any questions if your confused

Tourney is run by @misrepresentedmorallygrey. I did not want to have to rebrand that blog again lol

Exposure Tag:

@tournament-announcer

[badass-queer-couples-battle]

Gay wrongs tournament, semifinals of the losers bracket

Propaganda:

For Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu:

you've got the founder of the fantasy ancient Chinese CIA and the leader of what is essentially the mafia and then they're soulmates and in love. they're both willing to kill anyone who dares hurt the other while also just wanting a soft domestic life together

Zhou Zishu is an assassin and spymaster who put the current Emperor on the throne, and then quit his job by faking his death (kinda, hes still dying but not as fast as he was supposed to). Had done A Lot on his old job, including murdering children (more than one, and at least one of them in a way I can't even describe without several trigger warnings), exterminating whole families, war crimes (and i dont mean this in a buzzword way, i mean "organized a public execution of foreign diplomats during war time")… btw he doesn't feel particularly bad about any of this, because he believes it was necessary. Like he wouldn't do it for fun, but he thinks the ends (putting a good Emperor on the throne) justified the means (all of the atrocities). As a retiree, he definitely cut down on the amount of morally reprehensible murder, but not murder in general. He still routinely kills ppl, he just doesn't go out of his way to kill more. Wen Kexing, meanwhile, is the Ghost Valley Master - Ghost Valley being a place where the worst of criminals are exiled. Even in such a place, he has reputation as a complete lunatic, owed partially to the fact that he either skinned a man or fed him his own flesh or both at one point, and partially to him having a rule where he would kill anyone who came closer than 3 meters to him. But in truth, everything he'd done was to survive the Ghost Valley and eventually take revenge for his parents, who were brutally murdered when he was only nine. By the start of the novel's timeline, he put his plan in motion - the plan that would drown jianghu in blood, but also deliver poetic justice to all responsible for his parents' deaths, as well as all who'd commit the same crime given the chance. And these two men, these two murderers and schemers, meet - and unexpectedly, find in each other the person who /understands/. The person who is just as ruthless and whose hands are just as bloody, but also the person who knows standing at the top of the world is not worth it, who seeks the same freedom of leaving it all behind, and who is still, underneath it all, a human, with human heart seeking connection. So you have this couple who understand each other with barely a word, and who want the same things - who are so hungry for domesticity and for people they can just goof around with when all their lives they had to measure every step and word - but ALSO where one half a couple is like "i gotta go murder hundreds in revenge" and the other half is like "ok pick you up at 6". (This btw is why I'm submitting novel's iteration of the couple in particular. Show wenzhou with their ridiculous breakups over morality could Never.) Also they were both hiding who they are when they first met, and later flirted about having figured each other out. Finally, I'll leave you my favorite quote that just. perfectly sums up their relationship: "And just like that, they fell asleep in each other's arms, steeped in the smell of blood."

You’ve probably already had submissions for them but I’ll add on. One of them founded an assassin’s guild and killed a staggering number of people. His malewife is the leader of a sect of insane murderous outcasts, and he attained his position by proving to be the most crazy and murder happy of them all. Most of the plot involves him wandering around watching his schemes get more people killed. Together they adopt a kid that was only orphaned due to said scheming (oops). They’re terrible and I love them.

For Legolas and Gimli:

They literally have a running competition between the two over who has more kills. And non-canon my ass, Legolas took Gimli to valinor

They kill alot of orcs together. They make it into a competition. Better minds than i have spoken about the couple ness

[catboycompetition]

welcome to the catboy competition!

is your blorbo a wet cat? do they meow or go nya? were they born in a wet cardboard box? this is the tournament for them! submit your blorbo to see them face off against catboys from across tumblr in the ultimate catboy showdown!

Submissions will close on December 31!

additional information

can i submit real people? yes but it has to be funny

is mcyt real people? no theyre roleplay characters asshole. dont fucking debate me i will block on sight. real people are allowed anyways so submit whoever you want

are ocs allowed? go wild. write me essays about blorbo from your brain is the most pathetic sopping wet cat ever i will read it

can i submit [x] as propaganda? is it yours? then yes. did someone else create it? then no. it is that simple.

there's no canon art of my catboy!! what should i do? fanart IS accepted, however it must either be yours or you must prove you have express permission to use it.

about the mods! we're mod loki (it/splash/tide), mod gumy (she/her) and mod felix (xe/xem). loki and felix are in a qpr of over 1 year!! 🎉 we were previously mods on @qprsmackdown.

divider credits: [1] [2].

Tags for reach!! @browneyedtournamant @girlboss-malewife-gauntlet-melee @battle-couple-battle @tournament-winners-tournament @who-do-i-know-this-man @baldguy-fight @sexiestpodcastcharacter @doyouknowthischaracter @the-babygirl-polls @morally-grey-girlbosses

[nomsfaultau]

Philza Malewife Competition Round 14

Previous rounds: Cleaning. Cooking. Decorating. Karens. Sick Day. Eggs. Hugs. Venting. DIY. Gifts. Valentines. Bullies. Field Trip. Mental Health. Current points: The Lambs Wolves Wear (3), Lighting Lanterns (1), Weight in Gold (3), Golden Apples (2), Fault (2), Lord! (1), Babies? (3), Mandatory Family Reunion (0). And an honorary point to qsmp for a guest appearance.

For a quick synopsis for the fics I’m referencing- those are here

Next round: Hide and seek. Is the Philza a good hider? Better question: are his children good seekers? Does he even understand the point of the game?

Fault: He is a good hider. His large wings and tail make it harder to hide, but he makes up for it with clever spots and a high mobility. This Philza is sneaky and will try to run around mid game to spots already checked, using his keen senses to evade detection. However...Tubbo has millions of eyes, canonically cheats in games, and hates Philza. They'll go out of their way to use bees to lead a different seeker to him. So this Philza is found first no matter what.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!: He does not understand the point of the game, and immediately turns invisible so he cannot be seen. Tommy, who literally was given special eyes that alert him to danger BY KRISTIN, can see him. Even if he couldn't, this Philza taunts the seeker openly and his gloating would give him away. But he's a twit about the language being 'seen' and not 'found' and refuses to accept he's lost.

Where do babies come from?: Cold. It's so, so cold. He'd hidden in the fridge for a bit, since his kids always checked there first. A cute inside joke, since that's where he found them after all. But this time he couldn't get the door to budge. The walls were too thick for anyone to hear his screams. This Philza faded slowly, until at last succumbing to the cold. His blood oozes out of the ventilation shafts.

The Lambs Wolves Wear: He hides in one of the holes "Tommy" left in the house, trusting in "Wilbur's" illusion to cover him. He covers his mouth and tries not to scream as the scrape of claws gets ever closer. His hammering heartbeat gives him away to the sharp eared monsters.

Mandatory Family Reunion: Now, he could go off grid in his bunker that's hidden from the entire world, but that's no fun! This Philza understands the point of hide and seek is to have fun, not win. He's very blatantly hiding behind the curtains.

Worth far more than your weight in gold: He burrows into his pile of gold to hide. It's not very cozy. But if he can't see you, you can't see him, right?

Lighting lanterns to bring you home: He literally. Just gets on a horse and rides away. Good luck finding him if he's gone! This Philza is well adept at outsmarting impossible tasks and is a dirty cheat to boot. And the entire plot of the fic would go out the window if the gods had the magical ability to instantly find people, so, they're struggling to keep up.

Golden Apples (Gilded Atrophy): His corpse dissolves into smoke. A lacerated final life draws into the air, and is eviscerated by golden strings as the Golden Apple devours the rest of him. Gold and emerald drops of experience are left, shining bright and slowly drifting to the rotting apple. This Philza does not respawn.

[girlbossmalewifetournament]

ROUND 1

FIGHT

VS

[malewife-swag-competition]

round 1: The Sniper (Team Fortress 2) vs wild card Kyoya Ootori (Ouran High School Host Club)

The Sniper (Team Fortress 2): mansplain, malewife, "he is such a malewife it's unreal oh my gooooooooood. he has to keep telling his dad he's not a crazed gunman<3. anyways he is wife material i think"

Kyoya Ootori (Ouran High School Host Club): WILD CARD! manipulate, mansplain, no submission notes given

[bizarre-blorbo-bracket]

Welcome to the bizarre blorbo bracket!

We all know what a blorbo is, but have you ever wondered what the weirdest one out there is? If so, this bracket is for you. From forgotten side-characters to historical figures to real life boats, this poll aims to find the oddest most obscure object of obsession. The winner of this poll will be the strangest fave on the Strange Fave website, and submissions are open HERE.

Rules:

Blorbo is a flexible term, but usually applies to sentient characters. The key here is that you love them & adore them & would call them "poor little meow meow" and other such terms of affection. If you want to scrunch them like an accordion, put them in a salad spinner, tenderly care for their wounds, or wring them out like a washcloth, you're on the right track.

Blorbo does not have to be from your shows. They can be from your books, your videogames, your history books, or really anything you can think of.

Real people are allowed BUT only if they are ALREADY PUBLIC/HISTORICAL FIGURES & NOT ON THIS WEBSITE. I am not putting Neil Gaiman or whoever in here without their express permission.

No Harry Potter or MCYT.

None of marvel's avengers, unless you're getting REAL weird with it.

The more obscure the character is, OR the less blorbo'd they are, the more likely they are to be included! There are shows with millions of viewers a week, but because their target audience is extremely mainstream, not many people feel this way about them. If you want to put the guy from Grand Designs in a shoebox like an injured baby bird, you're in the right place.

Bonus points for being funny.

I will be submitting a couple mod bias picks, but I'm not saying who they are to make things fairer.

No OCs/AUs otherwise we'd be here all day.

this is an sfw bracket. You can submit characters you think are hot n sexy and whatever, but please don't make me look at anything explicit!

Rounds will last a week, looking forward to seeing your little guys!

Tagging for reachies:

@canonmisogynyvictimstournament, @victimsofyaoipoll, @fictional-malewife-tournament, @character-of-all-time, @gayelderstourney, @look-how-they-massacred-them, @overworkedblorbobattle, @hot-take-tournament & @best-female-villain-tournament

[tournamentdirectory]

Tumblr's favorite malewife? @ultimatemalewifepoll is finding out.

Run by the same person as @lovableassholestournament: see their entry.