#making them feel worse is only compounding the problem

[llsilvertail]

(via @cassolotl)

Saving them tags bc they're so accurate.

A lot of people around me are having kids and every day it becomes more apparent that hitting your children to punish them is insane because literally everything can be a horrible punishment in their eyes if you frame it as such.

Like, one family makes their toddler sit on the stairs for three minutes when he hits his brother or whatever. The stairs are well lit and he can see his family the whole time, he’s just not allowed to get up and leave the stairs or the timer starts over. He fucking hates it just because it’s framed as a punishment.

Another family use a baseball cap. It’s just a plain blue cap with nothing on it. When their toddler needs discipline he gets a timeout on a chair and has to put the cap on. When they’re out and about he just has to wear the cap but it gets the same reaction. Nobody around them can tell he’s being punished because it’s in no way an embarrassing cap, but HE knows and just the threat of having to wear it is enough.

And there isn’t the same contempt afterwards I’ve seen with kids whose parents hit them. One time the kid swung a stick at my dog, his mother immediately made him sit on the stairs, he screamed but stayed put, then he came over to my dog and gently said “Sorry Ellie” and went back to playing like nothing happened, but this time without swinging sticks at the nearby animals.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

something abt The Family Unit as this bordered site potentially of a little system of authoritarianism being that it's really this example plenty of people have of how like, You Would Think "oh if the people In Charge realize the structural integrity of what they're in charge of & say they're Supporting is being degraded then surely on a practical basis they'd change course? compromise?" & like the compromises Are continually made to shore things up a little longer but it's a pyramid scheme & it's continuously crumbling. & the Logic of the authority is what's held on to no matter what, not whatever else is claimed to be the goal (e.g. having a Good Family, workplace, corporation, country...) & that means having all the power, which is never actually the case or possible so since that goal's never met it's really just about having More power (what's next, constant profit growth), & everything's oriented around That, such that yeah strategic fleeting compromises may be made but as this structure inevitably deteriorates further, i.e. the control as successfully applied power is being lost, it's not about compromising more & more until eventually things are egalitarian, it's more about lashing out & doubling & tripling & quadrupling down on the exact same measures always taken anyways, because of how the entire like belief is in being the authority, expressed by forever only following the logics of authority/hierarchy & control/abuse

that is to lead into how like, the Failure of [ostensible alternate practical goal: the cohesion of the perfect family(tm)] can happen in more obvious ways / on shorter timeframes than, say, the agenda of propping up an empire, & so there's like all this evidence of how even when the theoretically inviolate borders of The Family are ruptured there's like "wouldn't the relevant family members change their approach in the face of this undeniable failure. wouldn't they question themselves." b/c like, surely? how could you not? but the experience being overwhelmingly "absolutely they do not" with instead the doubling down, perhaps the strategic compromises that are then only used to wear away the targeted parties & then (perhaps after an incremental transition) be back at it once that defense is seemingly breached, but the same logic seems to "work" even in situations where whatever Unit is destroyed, partnership, family, friendship, acquaintanceship, b/c the sense of [i am entitled to More] is just like. undisturbed or "supported" by the ruptures & lack of access to whomever, the Denial of what they feel they're already entitled to. the dehumanization of others / No Need to ever have to consider & contend with those ppl's real feelings if you control their life enough anyways is all still at play & there's no room for even Now considering if you were wrong about how someone felt, so the logic might also default to things like "it's a total mystery but what matters is i was / am wronged" &/or "well things would've been great if i had my total authority like i should have & imagine i could have, so basically some Other enemy authority must be at fault (e.g. guess my child was converted by the gay agenda, the devil, the evil outside world, communist spies, anarchists, [the pc police the virtue signalers the woke dei agents the "almost forgot abt 'critical race theorists'"]" that it just so happens that agendas of Autonomy & Equality are ones that seem to inherently insidiously threaten & undermine their own. like yeah you're not wrong about that but in also true [every accusation a projection] form of course the belief must be that They are fostering bliss & freedom & the jealous evil agents of The Other are always trying to stop them :(

like "don't they realize this is counterproductive to the wellbeing of [what they're in charge of]" like compromises may be temporarily made along the way but not Really, no, & when push comes to shove it'll be about the priorizing of asserting & holding on to Controlling Lives vs anything that'd serve anything else. & that again, with families like you might see the decided Failure of that, e.g. very limited or completely absent relationship with an adult child, and you see that like. the Authority guardian/s who are the reason with it don't change their approach. any adjustments are strategic & meant to Ultimately restore the status quo; the people who managed to extricate themselves have to rely on their own ability to actually manifest their own choices to, say, be able to remove themself from the presence of this person if they want. and that like even with that lifelong experience of dealing with that Authority & the system under them it can be so difficult to believe like do they really not even question themself on all this despite the actual external consequences manifested? b/c the Logics are so different. the child made effectively Responsible for the actions of an adult or two / the supposed Wellbeing of the family is so much more used to having to consider others' Feelings & what might make them act xyz way, b/c of that impossible but evident tasking with being harmed if there's any Problems there, versus that the person "in charge of" the wellbeing of the family & individuals therein (& certainly the young children) being concerned with their own entitlement & whether everything seems to reinforce their authority, flexing it if not, disinterest in so much else, resentment for the physical needs of children as a begrudged investment in then lifelong entitlement to kids as property to give deference / whatever support you want. & when these "supported" children are never "grateful" enough, i.e. not noticeably thwarting efforts to access whatever a parent feels entitled to (with, exactly in line with all of this, pretty invariably Issues With (denial of) Any Boundaries, e.g. not allowed to close that bedroom door this is my house, not allowed to not want to be touched i made that body, not allowed to be unsupervised what are you hiding, not allowed to say no, not allowed to have feelings/moods/preferences/opinions not in harmony with mine...) like it's supposedly only an extreme, all the more sympathetic (to the authority parent) escalation of this Ingratitude to, if possible, escape the realm of said authority. can't believe they'd do this to me

just that tl;dr of like "but at this point [authority] is sabotaging themselves i.e. the longevity of any system where they even have that position of authority? surely they realize that & change their approach b/c they Have To?" & beyond "no, not necessarily" like it's so almost Necessarily that "they definitely will not & will just try to 'invest' in their perpetual authority (which is always trying to be Increased b/c it's also never total or unbroken) by upping the violence & lashing out & ignoring w/e they have to ignore b/c they do Not have any actual alternate way to address it" like no the parents lose the entire relationship with children & don't have Realizations abt it, don't question themselves, don't make a real change, don't stop feeling as, & increasingly, entitled

[androdetective]

As a poc, I have a complicated relationship to vbros. On one hand, the world is really immersive and the characters can be really great, on the other hand it is a very white show and has a racism problem. Many of the white characters have done racist things when characters have gotten punished or killed for less. There's also barely any side characters of color. And even then, many jokes get made at them regarding their races, because they're not seen as the norm. Also because it's an adult swim show made by white guys.

Off the top of my head, there are 4 side characters of color (Orpheus, Jefferson, Kano, and Dr Z). If we want to be generous, we could include Al. Maybe even Triana with her being biracial, albeit entirely passing as white. Even with those characters, Orpheus became whitewashed over the years.

However, ironically enough, he's the best written character of color. He's a very nice, multifaceted character. He's even become a fan favorite. He's also had no racist comments made towards him in the show. Which was a pleasant surprise. Especially since he lived on the compound with Rusty of all people. As happy as I am with that, it feels off because why did they spare only him but not others? I'm not sure if his race was ever figured out as the writers. It never got brought up, unlike other characters. I won't lie, that gives me a feeling they didn't write him as a brown man in mind. If they did write him with that in mind, he probably would've been written worse. It feels like they could only relate to him and made his character good by thinking he's white like them. Hell, they even projected their weird breakup feelings onto him.

With Jefferson, his character is a mixed bag. He's a cool character and very capable. He's a solid character, all things considered. It's just that he gets racist jokes thrown his way. And just, the show has one black side character, and they can't even act right. Why is racism, the hatred and otherness of one's entire existence, so funny. I noticed that each episode except one that he was in had at least one antiblack joke. That's an insane ratio. The worst joke was in the Halloween episode, where he was at the party. They specifically made his character open the door to a side character, red mantle, doing blackface. It was to make a shitty reference to some niche movie and just oh my god, can you stop being shitty white nerds for a second? People who think shit like this is funny makes me want to project years of racial trauma into their brains so that they could finally Get It. Again, this is the best black character they have, but they to make him go through cheap antiblack jokes.

At least with Kano and Dr Z their skin tones stopped being yellow. The other times we see characters of color are when they're background characters. They're either there to make a scene feel full or they're labor workers. The worst is when they were what I'd describe as background antagonists. One-off antagonists that aren't really villain villains. Moreso regular criminals. These tend to be depicted as black and latino. This was more common in early seasons and stopped happening over time. Which obviously great albeit bare fucking minimum, still doesn't change that it happened.

For a world that critiques the old mentalities from previous generations and even specifically denounces generational toxic masculinity. They don't say shit about the blatant racism of the Johnny Quest times they parody. And the times they try to, it's just showing racism and doing nothing about it. Princess Tinyfeet is the worst example of this. She's a blatant racial stereotype. Who for whatever reason, used to be married to Sgt Hatred, an American soldier. And Sgt Hatred is a whole can of worms.

With Dr Z who was apart of the Quest era, at least they tried to give him a character. The thing I will say is that he's voiced by a white guy (Publick) doing a stereotypical vaguely Eastern Asian accent. Something I wished when watching the show was for Dr Z to mention the old racist era he lived through, and maybe even how the present is still rough. The toxic masculinity of the era got mentioned, so why not that too. It would've been so obvious too.

I won't lie, a part of me is glad they didn't try to handle the racism because it would've been a horrible train wreck. I can get why they didn't delve too into it, they're white after all. I just wish there were more poc in the team and sensitivity writers because they were desperately needed. But for a show that can't even handle white women, I'm not surprised they can't handle people of color. For a show whose best thing they were able to tackle was toxic masculinity, I find it ironic how misogynistic they still were. Like quick, why were the side effects of misogyny that affect you 🫵 handled the best.

The thing is, if they did try to critique the racism, they'd alienate the audience, and it'd also be strangely hypocritical of them. Venture Bros'/Adult Swim's main audience is white cishet men. The ones least affected by bigotry. They're able to laugh at bigoted jokes, and they're the most marketable people. White guys will appeal to other white guys. In the early 2000s, white creators were able to get away with much more. Not because it was alright but because it was easier for them to shut down minorities calling them out. Despite how "normal" it was, that doesn't change how that fed into a very toxic, bigoted culture. Despite today still being hellish for minorities, it was even worse just a couple of years ago.

Venture Bros obviously did not invent racism/bigotry. The show is very much a product of their time and environment. And whenever I think about that, it feels draining. Especially having had to live through the 2000s. The show can be amazing when it wants to be. There's so much potential and a lot of charm and character. I really enjoy it, and that's why I'm so critical of it. Not only because I want it to be better but because I want something better for fans of color. We barely get anything, and the least we should get are characters that look like us and are respected. Just like their white counterparts. It's like, how am I supposed to feel when Sgt Hatred gets redeemed and made a main character before we got a character of color that didn't face racist jokes/got whitewashed. Or even before we got a female character whose existence didn't hinge on their relationship to a man. Obviously, the show doesn't hate people of color. They've tried to better over time, which again great. But it barely felt like they respected poc enough.

With the movie, despite its own problems (not helped by Adult Swim screwing them over), you could tell they were trying. And it was really appreciated. Jefferson had a big spotlight, and there weren't jokes against him. We even got to know a bit more about him. It was genuinely his best. Ignoring Orpheus still looking like he's in a perpetual state of winter, that aspect of the movie was alright.

I'm very glad to see fans who are critical of these aspects. It makes me more happy seeing them vouch for poc. However, there's still a large majority that ignores or even excuses the racism. Unsurprisingly, these tend to be the white dude bro fans. But I've seen even the more liberal fans excuse/ignore stuff. The fanbase is very white, just like a lot of other fanbases. I can get why a supportive white person feels they wouldn't be best to call out the show's shit. I just wish they'd mention it more with a simple "oh there's xyz in this episode and it wasn't alright." Something as simple as that carries a lot of power in very white environments. Also, of course, uplift other fans of color, especially when they talk about or face racism. Things as simple as that make me breathe sighs of relief. It personally encourages me to interact with communities more.

I'm unsure of how to close this off. This feels like a topic you could talk about all day. All I wish is for things to be better, you know? Hopefully this all makes sense. I just wrote shit off the top of my head. I'd love to hear thoughts expanding or adding on to stuff. Really hope this reaches the right people

[sehtoast]

Rebirth (Homelander x OC)

18+ | heavy descriptions of gore, s4 e4 spoilers, the bad room, mentions of sexual abuse/trauma, torture, they're making each other worse in this one actually and homie deserves that kind of ride or die vibe | Fic Directory

“So, how do you feel?”  

Such a simple question for such a… gruesome task.  Benjamin had gone with Homelander to his moment of reconciliation.  Even helped him pipe sloppy icing writing onto that ugly little Carvel cake.

He knew everything.  Long ago, after busting into Stan Edgar’s personal terminal, Ben found the tapes and files on Homelander’s childhood.  Watching them had been sickening at best, but hearing the personal account as described to him by his lover over the years?

Even the do-no-harm bug himself couldn’t find a reason to prevent Homelander from following through.  He’d found John crying in front of that shattered mirror and pulled him out of his stupor once the banter ended.  Benjamin held him on the couch as he sobbed as he often did after run ins with the different facets of his psyche.  Used to be that there was no one to hold him at all, but the bug changed that.

Homelander would crash, but he would have somewhere safe to burn.

He thought about John’s various accounts of his childhood on the flight to the compound.  The incinerator, the bad room, how on edge he always was under the all seeing eye of big brother.

Usually the violent details emerged after nightmares.  Babbled words and cries for mercy as he tossed and turned until he’d shoot up in bed with his eyes primed to protect himself from his own memories.  Benjamin always held him afterward and listened.

“Sometimes I can still feel it,”  John would say, eyes glassy as he’d fight to keep those little shakes from turning into sobs.  No signs of weakness, no reaction.  Part of his conditioning– he cannot let the world know it hurts.  He cannot be a disappointment.

Ben would all but beg him to let it free anyway.  “You don’t have to be strong with me, pumpkin,”  he would always whisper.  “I love you even when you’re not.  Promise.” 

“But I– I have to be,”  Homelander would reply.

Benjamin always asked why.

John could never give an answer.

The worst were the more… intimate details.  Benjamin knew less about these, but there’d always been a sneaking suspicion that things along the lines of that happened.

Homelander spilled the beans after a panic attack during foreplay.  Stuttered out the details of masturbating during the security guard’s breaks. Doing what young boys do, he’d said.  Failing to finish in time and finding himself subject to mockery day in and out.

The resulting body image and self confidence issues, and the occasional difficulty with performance were all the consequence of some jackass further torturing the boy who never had a safe moment to feel what he described as the only good he could find in that awful room.  

Each time, Ben held him.  Promised him he was safe.  There’s no judgment, no mockery, no humiliation, and certainly no name-calling.  With kisses pressed to John’s knuckles, the two would talk it out until the world became steady again.

It’s why Benjamin doesn’t mind watching John laser that piece of shit’s dick clean off.  He doesn’t bat an eye to any of it.  The torture they face is but a fraction of what they’d done to that little boy– a drop in the lake of the things they swear up and down they don’t recall.

The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.

After listening in on Barbara’s account of Homelander’s conditioned obedience and the nature of his birth, he finds he has no problem holding her steady as his love slaughters the rest of them before her eyes.  

Bit by bit, he dismembers them.  Split them in two and paints the room with their remains.  He laughs and laughs, grinning wide and proud as he pries a man’s jaw open until his neck splits just to rip the tongue from his gullet and chuck it at her face.  He doesn’t stop until they’re no more than unrecognizable piles of flesh and viscera. 

True to their perfected teamwork, Ben webs Barbara to the wall to feast her eyes upon Homelander’s good work, and John?

Well, lasering the door and melting it forever shut was ingenious.

She will die in there, nice and slow. It’s no less than she deserves.

It’s heartbreaking to see how little it did to soothe Homelander’s pain.  Revenge, as Benjamin had told him many times, never quite worked out the way people wanted it to.  It’s potent for as long as it takes for the elevator to reach the surface.  It simmers during the flight.  Fades by the time they touch down at the tower.

And then turns to deep, lurching sobs as they shower it all away.

Release, yes… but not enough.  

It could never be enough.

“Johnny–”

“Homelander,” he chokes through tears. He’d been correcting people all day about his name.  “I’m– I just–”

Ben shushes him softly, thumbs swiping away the odd gooeyness of blood and tears.

“H-Homelander… just–” he tries again.  “Just for now… please…” 

Because Homelander was safe.  Homelander had the strength to overcome.  Homelander was the ideal and the power to protect himself.

The arms around Ben’s abdomen pull him impossibly closer.

“Homelander,” Benjamin murmurs, still stroking softly at his love’s face.  “I love you.”

Maybe not the best thing to say to the man claiming to be casting off the shackles of love, but certainly something always worth reminding him of while he crumbles.  There’s a million promises behind those three little words.

I love you when it hurts.  I love you when it doesn’t.

When it is ugly.

When it is beautiful.

As long as it is you.

His love succumbs to more cries, but Homelander knows, deep down, that it’s okay.

He is safe.

He is loved.

There will be no mockery. No humiliation.

Here, in the arms of his little spider, he need not be strong.  Here, he may simply be.

[randomfoggytiger]

React: A Late-Canon Reviler Gives the Revival a Try (Founder's Mutation), Part II

This is gonna be quick and dirty because my keyboard’s acting up--

IT’S A CONTINUATION FROM MY STRUGGLE I?????????? NO WHY NO, PLEASE NO. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

WHY do those glasses not fit anymore?? If Mulder lifts his eyebrows, they don’t even touch his cheekbones. But they were fine last episode, what happened. 

Mulder reminding us about William in yet another opening monologue. I may have the memory of a goldfish, Mulder, but I don’t have brain damage. 

I’m already so tired. 

Narration, narration, sudden voice change and drop, “Bringing Scully and I back together”-- okay, that’s straight-up David's voice. 

Oh, good. A bloody eyeball. How marvelous. 

If this is the brain Morse Code episode, I will throw hands. 

I’m Dr. Sanjay. We’re both too tired. 

WHAT’S WITH THE SHAKY CAM AS DR. SANJAY DETERIORATES. 

I’m not gonna be nit-picky… okay, I am. 

The X-Files has a certain style, aesthetically. Because of that, one has to operate inside the rules in order to cleverly bend them. Shaky cam AND close-up break two rules back-to-back.

This "modernization" isn’t a limbered stretch so much as a spinal dislocation. 

Ghost in the Machine and Blood 2.0, I see. But worse. 

The “Sanjay losing control” scene is… not too different from similar 90s ones.

But that’s the problem-- the visuals have updated, but not the method. And that leaves us with the impression that the director or screenwriter or both are either amateur or outdated. 

It’s also incredibly cluttered and confusing. Not confusing in a way that would expertly translate the meltdown in Sanjay’s brain, but confusing in a way that bombards us, the audience, with compounding “lost in translation” errors. 

Okay, welp, he’s dead. 

WHY do Mulder and Scully sound so old? Was it absolutely necessary to suck the life force out of the actors every time they walked on set? For Pete’s sake, I’ve heard more life in David’s voice while reading a Lexus ad. 

Okay, DD’s picking up a bit, and GA’s compensating with her expressions but none of this is engaging. 

Minor nitpick-- and I know both actors complained about wardrobe later-- but the second Mulder gets pants that fit him and Scully remembers to finish buttoning up her top, the sooner I’ll get a glimpse of the old show. Just sayin’. 

His pants will eventually swing to the opposite tragedy, copping a feel while forcing him to do a little Marilyn Monroe shimmy.

I shall call them Patriarchy Pants.

Scully knows Indian?

She really is the series’ language OC, isn’t she. 

Mulder got this informant to trust him by flashing his puppy eyes. I mean… it’s always worked on Scully. 

Speaking of which… where’s Scully? 

I’m wracking my brain, but I thiiiiiiiiiiink it’s consistent, even pre-S9 canon, for Mulder to sneak off and fill Scully in later. So, no complaints. I think. 

What is it about the comedy scene that didn’t work…? 

Hm. 

‘Kay, so, if this guy (Gupta, looked it up) is no longer a repressed homosexual-- like he chastises Mulder for being-- then why was he so skittish in the bar? 

He didn’t know Sanjay was dead, so therefore he didn’t know he was in danger (note from the future: he isn't in danger... which explains his skittishness even less.)

So, is his jumpiness because of repressed or hidden homosexuality? But he says he's out and urges Mulder to come out, as well.

Perhaps he's saying one thing and living another, i.e. pretending to be out and proud to save face in front of Mulder.

But then... that would be the comedy in this scene-- that he would have to eat his words (ex. another guy opens the door on them and Gupta makes a big fuss trying to cover up the homosexuality of it all-- “no homo” dialed up to 11, etc.) 

So, he was either scared to be on a hit list-- yet wasn’t aware he might be on one-- or scared of being outed-- yet didn't signal this in his actions or dialogue.

If this is Gupta’s only scene, it was a waste.

It was a waste of an introduction, regardless. But.  

Oh, Scully’s doing an autopsy, got it. 

Characters are playing by their strengths, got it. 

Also, forgot to note, Mulder sensing the guys in the bar were bad news points to his years spent on the job. A great touch.

…Unless, now that I think of it, Gupta invited him to a gay or hookup bar, consequently making Mulder look like an out-of-touch old buffoon. Which… fits his characterization in My Struggle I, but I hope for better things. 

I didn’t see any tension in Scully’s arms while pulling the instrument out of Sanjay’s ear, but, ya know, there weren’t perfect moments in OG canon, either. 

Gupta’s still here, okay. (DD getting away with a bit of humor by having Mulder act slightly out-of-place chuggin down in a bar-- I see you.) 

IT IS A GAY BAR. 

MULDER’S AN IDIOT, CONFIRMED. 

“He lived two lives.” Okay, that’s f-- “In two separate places.” NO, no, nonono-- get back over the unsubtle line before I whip out the broom, shooshooshooshooshoo.

Wait, why is Mulder explaining the autopsy results instead of Scully?

Even when he had a… siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 

Even when Mulder had a brewing theory in mind, he always let Scully explain all her results before asking pointed questions, hearing her findings, then crafting a theory and running it by her.

Here, Scully says, “I broke fingers to find words on palm"/"instrument went into these parts of the brain” and Mulder says “It went in at that angle then turned at this angle"/"[insert theory].”

When it SHOULD be: Scully explains fingers and cause of death, Mulder points at the pics and asks why the instrument’s angle changed, Scully says “it went in 90 degree angle then turned 60 degrees”, and Mulder concludes “Like he was hunting for something.” 

The shots widen out or cut back for shock value, it seems. Sanjay’s body is shown obliquely until Scully says she “looked everywhere” for clues, which prompts the camera to cut to a wide shot and hang on his sawed-open skull. The timing’s oddly comedic, the music is light, and nothing about the scene meshes. It quickly pancakes, leaving us and the characters with dead (heh) air.

The dialogue leans “we’re gonna do this next” telling rather than natural conversation showing. 

And-- I’ve gotta be frank-- I’ve not caught an ounce of chemistry from DD and GA aside from the scene where they were talk about phone stealing and Indian languages. 

The car scene contributed nothing... except a kid accidentally fell over the hood. Reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal covert set-up, I tell ya. 

Sanjay’s other apartment scene was… weird. They walk around, find pictures of experiments on kids, barely react, trip the silent alarm so the police show up--

Sorry, no, wait. The police show up ASAP, in THIS part of town? NAH. Not happening. 

Okay, the scene where Mulder has a… brain… thingy WORKS because it uses just the right amount of “new trick”: closeups without disorienting lens action slapped on top. THAT’s how you integrate a modernized technique into an older show; and it fits seamlessly into The X-Files. 

SO WHY DIDN’T THEY DO THIS FROM THE GET-GO?

Also, Scully may have had cancer, but she never had migraines. Those seem to be reserved for Mulder. 

Oh, we’re in Skinner’s office now. I guess. 

The clips are so poorly paced, switching or holding or integrating at the weirdest times. It even undercuts Mulder’s quips or Scully’s reactions. 

On a side note, DD and GA probably had a hard time finding their characters-- as they mentioned for both IWTB and the Revival-- because all they had to work off of was plot regurgitation. ....What do you do with that? 

I love the touch of Skinner playing hardball until Corporate Interest Guy leaves, then immediately switching to, “I assume you’re going to need [classified] copies, right?” 

…

…..

…….

Scully really doesn’t have much to add, does she? 

OH, we’re in the basement now. We're just... here. The first scene of these two back down here and they're just. Here. ...'Kay.

Mulder and Scully talking over his experience is the closest I’ve gotten to mature MSR… and it’s ruined by Scully stating the obvious, “There were no sounds. I didn’t hear anything.”

LOOK, OKAY? Mulder became CATATONIC before with these exact same symptoms and was only saved by a secret science mumbo jumbo brain surgery, WHY ISN’T SHE WORRIED. It’s equivalent to her getting a nosebleed and just wiping it away, no big deal. 

“Mulder, what are you hiding?”

He’s not hiding anything, Scully, he’s telling you. 

But if he were, that’d be outta character even for Beanpole Sneakybritches. By this point, he’d have a functioning theory to share with the class-- which he did, lest we forget.

...Or developed a taste for Hercule Poirot drama while holed up in depressed isolation, I guess (which you left him to, Scully; so this is your fault, tangentially.) Which would be stupid. 

 (Note from the future: He was hiding something, but it didn't make sense how he leaped to that conclusion, anyway; so, logically, he has nothing to hide from her in this scene.)

But when's that stopped the show before?

“What are you hiding?” 

“Sanjay heard sounds right before he died. It could be you, Mulder.”

WHAT. 

Scully and Mulder established in the lab that Sanjay heard noises right before he died. 

Mulder heard noises. 

Tells Scully in the basement. 

Scully: “I didn’t hear noises.” No reaction. 

Scully: “What are you hiding?”

Mulder explains his frequency theory.

Scully doesn’t see how it fits. 

Mulder: “What are you hiding?” 

Scully: “Sanjay heard sounds right before he died. It could be you, Mulder.” No reaction. 

PLEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE END MY SUFFERING.

16 min. in. 

Been typing nearly an hour (a dying keyboard’ll do it to ya.) 

“This is dangerous,” Scully says, flatly. 

“When has that ever stopped us?” Mulder asks, brightly. 

He is quite literally trying to pump life back into her-- WHO directed GA this way? You can tell which scenes she is given freer reign in (more natural, less muted) and which ones she is more tightly “guided” (less alive, more dead.) 

How is she spry enough to be a field agent? How is Mulder? Skinner hasn’t aged a day but these two have been MOWED. DOWN. DD and GA aren’t like this in real life, so what gives? 

Our Lady of Sorrows, go away. 

It’s Karen Kosseff except it isn’t. 

Mulder and Scully sneakily scare the daylights outta a Conservative-adjacent medical personnel with the dreaded threat of an “Obamacare” witchhunt... and at this point, the social commentary seems performative rather than intelligent. 

I’m not gonna break it down by politics; but suffice to say, while Mulder and Scully were never above a little “campaign of misinformation”, but they've never stooped low enough to fearmonger-- in fact, they looked down on those who did. 

CC-- he wrote this episode, too, right?-- turned them from FBI agents with ethics into Secret Agents with a dose of Krycekian immorality. 

Just when I think I’ve “found” MSR, the writing snatches them back from me.

…And ANOTHER THING. 

Ever since IWTB, Our Lady of Sorrows has been an awful, horrible, no-good, close-minded facility stuffed to the brim with egos and bottom-of-the-barrel intelligence. At least they’ve been upgraded from “let the kid die” psychopaths to “OBAMACARE?? INVESTIGATING OUR SAINTED, CONSERVATIVE COLLEAGUE????” Which makes them stupidly impressionable and stupendously ignorant of the law. Which they would know… because it affects their hospital. 

There’s no hint (thus far) that Scully has some dirt on them and maneuvers them into compliance by hinting at certain shortcuts they wouldn’t want investigated. No. Instead, she weaponizes their faith-- calling the guy they want to interview a “godsend”-- despite sharing it, and despite taking all matters of belief very seriously; then lets Mulder slip in the Obamacare line because… Conservative medical professionals would cow in the face of that implication instead of, I don’t know, stonewalling to protect their ranks? 

It’s such a silly, nonsensical line. 

I just want old Mulder and Scully back, is that too much to ask for?

And the lady almost stonewalled, anyway. It was pure luck that Scully pulled the right emotional strings. 

UGH. 

“I’ll agree to relay a message,” Not-Karen says… then walks off before asking what that message would be. …Sure, fine, that makes sense. 

Pregnant teen or young woman and….

And….

WHAT, IS THIS A CONTINUED PLOT POINT???????????

ANOTHER PREGNANCY PLOTLINE?????????? DO THE POWERS-THAT-BE NO LONGER HAVE ACCESS TO TUBES OR JARS OR WHATHAVEYOU TO GROW THEIR EXPERIMENTS, OR DID THEY ALL COPYPASTE THE EVES' AND DR. PARENTI’S VERY SPECIFIC NICHE?????

Hate the camera angles, too, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. 

Used and abused women, dismissed young mothers, callous Catholic hospitals…. It’s so… vitriolic. And all so poorly handled. 

“Desire is the devil’s pitchfork,” oh, great, the Catholic nun? lady is eeeeeeeeeeevil, who would have knooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown--     

WHY. DOES. MULDER. SOUND. SO. OLD. 

No wonder DD and GA think the series isn’t really about happy endings, they were shuffling around like geriatric Eeyores half the time. 

Scully pushing back against Mulder protecting her from the incubation theory right after he tells her the incubation theory: in a word, disjointed. She needed to confront him BEFORE he spells it out to her-- 

…My brain melted and I lost the thought…. Wait…. Nope, it’s gone. 

“Is this what you believe happened to me, fifteen years ago? When I got pregnant, when I had my baby?” WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAT. 

“Mybaby”??????????? After all this time, MY BABY. 

WHY ISN’T GA ACTING APPROPRIATELY, SHE’S GIVING US NOTHING DESPITE BEING THE SOLE EMOTIVE PERSON ON THIS TEAM. 

IF THAT LINE IS MEANT TO IMPLY SHE’S CREATING DISTANCE WITH “MY BABY” BECAUSE SHE THINKS MULDER IS DISOWNING WILLIAM, YOU’VE NOT ESTABLISHED, AT ALL, THAT RETICENCE IS PART OF HER SELF-PRESERVATION-- NOT ONE TIME, SINCE THE REVIVAL STARTED. 

AND IF THAT WERE THE CASE, SCULLY WOULD HAVE ACCUSED HIM DIFFERENTLY: NOT FLAT AND TIRED, BUT FLAT AND ANGRY. WHERE’S SCULLY’S ANGER THAT SHE’S HAD FROM DAY ONE, THAT SHE LOST RIGHT AFTER EXISTENCE SAID HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER????????

GIVE ME GUMPTION, GIVE ME SPIT, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION!!!!

SO THEY ABANDONED THE INCUBATOR TALK TO TALK ABOUT HER REGRETS, I GUESS. 

THERE WAS NO POINT A TO POINT B, WE’RE JUST HERE NOW.

I don’t mind the rehash-- Mulder and Scully both had a habit of doing that, back in the day… but I’m not getting any of MULDER or SCULLY from these two… Revival robots. 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, this is the “what could have been” episode. Thanks, I’m gonna hate it. 

“Do you think he could have been an experiment?”

“I don’t know,” GET OUTTA HERE, ACTUALLY GET OUTTA HERE. 

MULDER’S WHOLE ARC IN ESSENCE-EXISTENCE WAS THAT HE KNEW THE MATH ADDED UP TO BEING WILLIAM’S FATHER (though the writers did their best to obfuscate that issue) BUT WAS AFRAID SCULLY’S BABY WOULD BE BORN WITH SURPRISES. INSTEAD, HE WAS A NORMAL, HEALTHY BABY; AND MULDER CALLED HIS SON A MIRACLE BECAUSE OF IT.

BEFORE SEASON 9 RETCONNED IT, ANYWAY. BUT EVEN THEN, WILLIAM WAS UNDENIABLY HIS MINI MULDER.

Even in IWTB, how many years later, Mulder still considered William theirs. 

Also, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait. 

Pause. 

Rewind. 

Stop. 

Mulder misses William but had to put that “behind him.” 

That. has got to be. The most. antithetical statement to Mulder’s character that I have ever. Ever. heard. 

You can’t have it both ways, CC: Mulder can’t be pushed by the ghosts of his past into wrecking his and Scully’s relationship, twice (IWTB and the Revival), while also putting HIS CHILD behind him. 

nnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOnonononononNONONONONONONO.

THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. THAT MAKES NO SENSE. 

YOU’RE A LIAR, A LYING LIAR LIAR FACE. 

THAT’S NOT MULDER. 

MULDER WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. 

SCULLY MIGHT, BUT EVEN THEN SHE’D STILL BE LYING TO HERSELF. 

Scully was shattered into a million pieces in My Struggle I, and Mulder is obliterated in this one. 

How. 

Absolutely. 

Lovely. 

Also, again, Scully isn’t emoting fear or terror for her son. At all. 

NORMAL SCULLY VOICE??????????????????????????????????

NORMAL. SCULLY. VOICE????????????????????????????????????????

WHAT. 

I’M, I’M, WHAT. 

FOR THE FLASHBACKS, BUT NOT FOR THE SERIES????????????????????????

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

The cutback from the flashback-dreamsequence-whatever to Scully just… sitting there. Not napping. Not dreaming, just. Thinking, I guess. 

But the sequence was obviously a dream, so. 

Can you imagine if she snapped upright from her dream, possibly at her desk? The gifs sets that could have been made mirroring this moment to Mulder’s nightmare in Paper Hearts. 

THERE’S THE SAME “OPEN THE DESK DRAWER TO SEE A PHOTO” MOTIF, TOO. 

...WHY IS THAT ASSISTANT WALKING LIKE SHE'S ON A CATWALK?

That actress said, “This is my big shot, I’m gonna stick out” (literally), and dressed to kill. 

…Or she’s a piece of commentary on the Evil Scientist Doctor and the male gaze, or something. 

Guys, no facility would have kids kept behind glass cages for their entire lifespan. 

That’s dumb. 

Scully tells the scientist he’s testing (trying to isolate) for alien DNA. He shows them out. 

Agnes (the teen or young mother) got killed and her baby taken, of course. 

At least Scully’s no longer pretending medical people aren’t stealing babies or creating mutants, I guess. 

I GUESS. 

Mulder had to wiggle his way over to the printer because his Patriarchy Pants (first sighting!) are too tight. (Told you his fashion swings in the opposite direction.) 

Mulder said, “This is my skinny jean era”, and I think I’m traumatized. 

Syndicate wanted to colonize the world with alien-human hybrids, says Mulder. And though it was unsuccessful--

(HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT)

--he doubts they stopped trying. 

So, that sweeps away the Supersoldiers, I guess. 

Since, y’know, the Revival said the aliens were never involved to begin with. 

So it was just the government making a hoax of the government hiding aliens but pretending they weren’t but really were but weren’t. 

Got it. 

What did Scully’s study about all European men being traced back to three individuals in the Bronze age (that’s a reference to Shem, Ham, and Japheth, isn’t it CC?) have to do with Mulder’s point other than for her to talk about her study. 

An illustrative hypothetical:

Mulder: “Everyone loves juice.” 

Scully: “I read a paper last year that found the three most favored juice flavors tie back to the Whirligig tastebud genome.” 

…’Kay.

I HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES LEFT, LET IT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND. 

Jackie (Evil Scientist Man's “insane” wife) doesn’t like cats and threw an apple at it. …Why’s there a loose cat in the “mental asylum”?

They put in the spooky track from the original show-- the tinkling symbol sound-- when she recounted her daughter breathing underwater, but I liked that bit. 

Good filming, good bit. 

Jackie was being used for experiments, crashed her car, was forced via the brain thingy to cut her child out, the end. 

…Oh, right, this plot was supposed to be about Sanjay. 

My bad. 

You forgot, too, didn’t you. 

…Why doesn’t Jackie like cats again? 

(Note from the future: Jackie feared her biological daughter because she had supernatural abilities; and ran away hoping to save her son from the same experimentation and fate. ...But her son? (or her daughter?) already had powers and forced her to cut him out??? by manipulating her brain????????? to find his way back to his sister??????????????? Even though he was a baby??????????????????? (She still doesn't know this and wishes she could see him again...????????????????????????????????????????)

This is such a BAD. SCRIPT. 

It has no direction, it swings wildly from topic to topic, nothing really connects together, it’s all… nonsensical garbage. 

Mulder gets closeted at a gay bar, the Catholic lady hates men and thinks unwed mothers are damaged, women are made to cut babies out of their stomachs, Mulder put William behind him, Scully has a waking dream instead of a sleeping one, aaaaaaaaaaaaand… Jackie hates cats. 

No, you will not get a logical explanation for any of this. 

Awwww, look, Jackie’s talking about her missing boy because she thinks about him “every day” but hasn’t seen him since and so does Scully, of course, and Mulder can sense that so he, looks, too, and this case will make him cling to William’s memory again and--

One word. Riverdale. 

“All my training-- everything that I know about psychology--” WHAT. Scully, you’re a medical doctor, not a psychologist. Definitely not a psychiatrist. 

So Mulder can read x-rays with medical accuracy, and Scully can read Indian and diagnose someone’s psychological state. 

Great.  

Just peachy. 

By the way, if you’re wondering why Mulder keeps getting bumped into or keeps peripherally noticing janitorial staff at each location, here’s your payoff (NO, IT WASN’T HAMFISTED, YOU JUST DIDN’T NOTICE THAT THIS WAS A PLOT POINT AT ALL, IT'S SO CLEVER):

The janitors work for a larger company that also services the hospitals. And Sanjay’s company. 

….Eh? Eh? Clever isn’t it??

NOITISN’T. 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so the kids are dying and inadvertently killing… off… their… parent? Or something? Or the reverse?

(Note from the future: Jackie feared her biological daughter because she had supernatural abilities; and ran away hoping to save her son from the same experimentation and fate. ...But her son?-- or her daughter?-- already had powers and forced her to cut him out??? by manipulating her brain????????? to find his way back to his sister??????????????? Even though he was a baby??????????????????? And she still doesn't know this, hoping to see him again someday...????????????????????????????????????????

THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THE TEEN/YOUNG WOMAN WAS ALSO FORCED TO CUT HER BABY OUT AFTER BEING HIT BY A CAR, per the baby's instructions. Because that's what the episode says happens.

DO THESE ALIEN BABIES HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER OR WHAT????)

Guys, this is dumb. 

Mulder’s stupid sunglasses. 

But he looks goofy overall, so I’ll CHOOSE to be endeared rather than angry or petulant.  

(IchoosethisIchoosethisIchoosethisIchoosethis--)

Wait, why does Mulder keep getting affected by the brain thing?

More importantly. 

The episode is setting up a few, blatant parallels:

These parents are having brain problems.

Their kids are experimentation kids.

William's probably an experimentation kid.

Which is stupid, but would then prove Mulder is the biological father.

They will sacrifice this parallel to the plot but also because Scully, not Mulder, ends up being the one to communicate constantly with William.

Which would prove William-Jackson is still Scully's biologically.

(Note from the future: This complete theory is debunked in about two seconds; but will be recycled later for Scully's Morse Code seizure. Wonderful.)

It’s all. 

So. 

Stupid.

Stupid sunglasses. 

I…

I died laughing. 

Guys. 

I’m gonna include a clip because it’s so goofy. 

Context: Mulder’s brain thingy is acting up, so Scully has to run around to find a kid-- Kyle-- so he’ll… help? her partner. Hence, we have Gillian trying to keep up her Revival smoker voice whilst running off and shouting, “KYyyYYyyyyYYLLllelleleee”:

This is The X-Files. 

Weep and gnash your teeth in torment. 

This is old. 

Sorry, Mulder’s ears should be busted by now. Gimme fic where he now has to use hearing aids.  

They grabbed Kyle and stuffed him in the car. 

Ahh, this is the scene where Mulder looks back at Kyle and someone mentioned it looks like Mulder looking back at William in another, better universe (post here.) 

Okay, so, this kid doesn’t mean to hurt people by communicating with his mind, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut was or wasn’t responsible for Sanjay’s death (who was helping him.)

Scully decides “LET’S PRETEND TO HAND HIM OVER TO HIS EVIL SCIENTIST DAD IN ORDER TO FIND HIS SISTER” and that sounds reasonable. As reasonable as a starving pig at a pie fair. 

Wait.

The kid was a janitor.

Sanjay was helping him.

Sanjay was working for Evil Scientist dude.

Sanjay was trying to figure out where the kid's sister was, or he knew where she was but wasn't telling the kid?

The kid-- Kyle-- accidentally killed Sanjay because his... powers were outta control?

And... the kid can connect with different people's minds and that's how he hacked Mulder's brain (which retracts my biological theory... until, again, Scully's Morse Code seizure reinforces it.)

But the kid attacked Mulder when Mulder and Scully questioned his (adopted) mom... didn't he already know who Mulder was?

And the kid kept pressuring Sanjay to find his sister, so much so that Sanjay hadn't been able to sleep well or function in weeks?

So, this kid's... questionable, at best.

Evil Scientist, M.D., pretended to introduce the kid to his sister, but Kyle wasn't BAMBOOZLED nor FOOLED. 

Oh, btw, this kid is Jackie’s son. Looks an awful lot like William-Jackson... but anyway. (Jackson's storyline is brazenly ripped off from CC's own material, wow-- right down to the "never saw my son again" line. The writers have charming things to say about adopted families in The X-Files.)

Now he’s running around the hospital looking for Molly (the sister who scared Jackie because she can breathe underwater, etc. etc.)

Reunited with Molly.

Now the kids are throwing the adults with their minds and killing Evil Scientist Badman with the brain thing in order to stay reunited, I guess. Like the Eves. (Another rip-off recycle of their own source material.)

SO, anyway, the Evil Scientist Father died a very gruesome death. 

Cut to the place swarmed with FBI. 

Another guy said, “Skinner, keep your sfjfkfsdfksj behind the red tape.” I think. Can’t understand him. 

Guys, this is the first Mulder-and-Scully posturing I’ve seen since the series began. Praise be, they’re not mannequins. 

Here's the Mulder and William "could have been"s.  

See, guys? His faith is back. He’s choosing to remember his son and reengage with his past~. 

Yeah, and where did THAT come from. 

To recap:

Mulder had depression sometime after 2012, so bad that it made Scully… leave, I guess (which would have been a death sentence for someone with a temperament like Mulder’s.) 

But he shouldn't have had depression after 2012 because 2012 just reset the Colonization clock (according to he, himself, and his theory.)  

So, he’s got "no reason" depression, then disconnects from Conspiracies and shoves away memories of William. 

But he hadn’t had a breakdown or disconnect from reality before My Struggle I (which made Scully’s decision to leave even stupider.) 

And Scully worries he’ll have a breakdown in My Struggle I. 

And he actually didn’t leave Conspiracyville despite also leaving it and knowing things he shouldn’t and not knowing things he should. 

Following?

Conspiracy guy calls up Skinner who calls up Scully who calls up Mulder; and he and she don't hesitate to investigate despite putting “that life” behind them. 

There were no aliens, period, only men in government wearing suits or planting false memories or whathaveyou. 

He’s still got depression but doesn’t, actually, in My Struggle I despite Scully thinking he does and worrying he’ll have a breakdown despite knowing he left Conspiracyville; but also won't be coming home, etc. etc.

Both are let into the FBI.

Still following? 

He put William behind him but engages in conspiracies now (despite still engaging in them while not engaging in them-- you get it.) 

Let me reiterate: Mulder. put someone that he loved. behind him. 

Mulder makes peace with the thought that William’s his son regardless and daydreams about movies and rocket ships. 

And that’s that on all his hangups, I guess. His crops are watered and his depression is cured. 

And now he and Scully are installed at the FBI... despite the unlikelihood either of them would pass the physical tests, let alone the training they'd need to requalify. To put them on the field otherwise would be very, very dangerous... right, Skinner?

The End. 

Just make this easier for me next time and beat a bat over my head. 

I do have another nitpick. 

Mulder is too downcast in his “happier times” flashbacks, especially compared to Scully’s buoyant, sweet, upbeat persona. So, basically, he has a stunning lack of imagination, I guess. 

Which, jokes aside, is an interesting thought: Mulder creating realities in his mind so convincingly mapped onto his current one that it’s even more devastating to snap out of them and face each and every unsatisfying day.

Also, both he and Scully have the same sort of nightmare....

This had BETTER be Jackson’s way of reaching out to them for help, or so help me I’m going to label these moments as narrative clickbait. 

EYYYYYY, we got an actual Mulder “NO!” It sounded like him, too! FINALLY! SPIRIT! SPUNK! THE MULDER ESSENCE. 

Oh, yeah, that William can get yeeted-- he doesn’t fit my headcanon, anyway. 

Mulder's sitting upright, too, without having woken from a nightmare.

…So this was a deliberate choice on the filmmakers’ part. 

So this is setting up for something. Like William communicating to them BOTH in waking dreams. 

We all know that won’t happen, but, anyway. 

CONCLUSION

YOU’RE NOT GETTING ME WITH THE HAPPY FAMILY TIMES, YOU MANIPULATORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

YOU CAN’T TAKE ME ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE. 

Also: very rarely do I like movie kitchens, but Mulder's... is alright.

Lastly: again, I am so tired. 

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!  

[hoverboards-and-dragons]

can we possibly get more michael and adam content, analysis/art whichever YOU HAVE GOT ME INTERESTED

Adam has a thing for Michael, he thinks Michael is fondly exasperated of him and all their arguing is sexual tension and flirty. Enemies to lovers and all that, Michael is a Challenge and Adam has been in Heaven a long time.

One - just to get out of the way; Michael is both some level of sex and romance repulsed.

Two; Michael just fucking hates Adam, vehemently, here's the itemized list of reasons.

Personal:

Loud and obnoxious with little respect for Heaven's customs, especially refusing to learn anything about Heavenborns's unique ways of life.

Michael was the original leader of Heavens armies before lending the title to Gabriel, Adam abuses Authority as a commander, that's Michael's Authority and troops he's disrespecting.

Adam general tendency to sleep around with angels, Michael's creations.

Will not leave him alone.

General least impressive of the og3, Eve and Lilith making him look worse through comparison.

Michael thinking Adam is just projecting Lucifer onto him, that he'll trip over himself to earn the favour of a first human 'like he did' either as the backup choice or for him to prove he can score just like Lilith did.

Constant off handed demeaning remarks. Insisting that its not gay since angels aren't gendered (despite Michael clarifying that most aren't but he very much is) it's not cheating if it's just 'you little God things' and other implications that Michael's 'kind' simply doesn't count.

Related, Adam's focus on his early role in creation and child of God status as if it makes him the most important person in every room while never acknowledging the same for the archangels, again as if you only count if you're human.

Impersonal projections:

Michael blames humanity in general for 'taking his brother from him', it would be worse for the first man himself.

Winners are the most difficult sector of Heaven for him to manage.

The archangels are pettily defensive over their Father, its why even the most serious and professional among them still call Him 'Dad,' He's more their Father than anyone else's. They were raised by Him, they'll never stray from His side.

Disliking Adam makes Michael feel like he's questioning his Father's choices.

His general superiority complex to 'the plight of man.'

AAAANNnnnnndddddd the big one. He is physically incapable of processing any of these emotions.

Angels cannot possess negative thoughts towards something beloved by the Lord, personal distaste yes, but not genuine contempt. As servants and messengers, Michael’s devotion to his Father binds him to serve Adam by extension, and protects Adam from malicious intentions.

This leaves those feelings float around untethered, compounding in on itself, and causing problems like mould spores in their chest.

He had to just, tolerate him, with all of this, for ten thousand years.

and Michael is bound by a few extra Commands around Adam because he would have just killed him otherwise. And everytime Adam is being annoying Michael mind strains against itself to express or solidify his hatred in anyway And He Can't.

And then he can.

the thrilling sequel to Michael going apeshit and hacking both of Adam's wings off the second he was broken free from the commandment to not cause Adam harm.

Also listing out everything wrong with him rapid fire, mocking him for his unearned title of first man when Michael is older than him, that he only got into heaven because he had a use not because he deserved to be or anyone wanted him and any other insecurity he could grab off the top of his head.

Losing restrictions suddenly can make angels weird sometimes, pulling at a leash so hard that when it breaks you go flying back.

[widowmaxff]

I’ve been having some bad days, could you write something where Y/N is having a rough week and pretends she’s fine except Wanda knows her daughter and comforts her?

I just love the way you write Wanda as a mother and that she just always knows

overwhelmed

pairings: mom!wanda maximoff × fem!reader

warnings: angst, reader crying, depressed reader — i think that's all!

a/n: tysm for your request love and im so sorry for your bad days, i really hope things get better for you and if you need someone to talk you can dm me, okay? <33

Interacting with any other human being was the last thing you wanted to do today. Saying that you had a bad week was an understatement, all the bad things that could happen to you happened. And not just things around you, but also your mind didn't stop for a second. You felt so overwhelmed that anyone could see on your face how much that week was hurting you.

"This can't be happening right now." You mumble as you feel the raindrops start to fall on your head. There was still more than half the way until you arrived at the Compound, you didn't have an umbrella, much less a coat to protect yourself from the cold that would come. No one could come and get you since everyone was busy and you didn't want to disturb your mother, she had enough problems to deal with yours.

You were coming home from school after another stressful day. You've spent the last few weeks studying for an incredibly difficult test, especially in a subject you had difficulty with, and seeing that big red note made your urge to cry even more. You studied so much that you thought it was impossible for that to happen. So many nights without having slept and so many energy drinks wasted for nothing.

You were absolutely soaked when you stepped into the Compound. Your sneakers made a funny noise when you stepped on them, but the only thing you wanted to do now was take them off your feet and throw them at the person closest to you, shouting in their face. "You're going to clean this up, Little Maximoff." Tony's annoying voice says, obviously joking, but still your head hurt just hearing that you had to do something that day. Your jaw tightens and you close your eyes tightly, taking a deep breath.

"I know, Tony." You ramble, trying to keep your voice as calm as possible. You walk past him to head towards your room, feeling your eyes burn from having something else on your list of things that made your week worse than it already was.

On normal days the first thing you would do was go look for your mother in her office, but the last thing you wanted to do that day was worry her, because you knew that the moment she laid eyes on you she would know that something was wrong. And filling her with your problems would make you feel guilty for a long time, you hated making people feel sorry for you and looking like you were a baby. You just needed to calm down, didn't you?

"Fuck!" You scream when you see all your notebooks soaked, especially your sketchbook, which you spent hours and hours drawing. You drop your things on the floor and run your hands through your hair, taking a deep breath. You wished your mother was there now, she would know what to do and help you with whatever you needed to calm down, but you put that idea out of your head before you ran towards her arms.

You enter the bathroom connected to your room and take off your clothes before you catch a cold. The hot water from the shower makes your muscles finally relax after the terrible days you prayed would end. In a few seconds you no longer knew what water was or what the tears on your face were. All those things that happened in your week came together into one, and you started to feel like you were on that empty, dark hole that took you a long time to get out of. You thought that maybe the problem was you, that maybe you deserved all those bad things, from the smallest to the ones that made you cry and scream like that moment.

You didn't hear the knock on your door because your bad thoughts were so loud that it was almost impossible to even hear the shower water hitting the floor. But when Wanda entered her room after hearing no response, she felt like something was wrong at the moment. She looks at your completely wet things lying on the floor and frowns. You told your mom you didn't need a ride home from school, but apparently, you did.

"Honey, is everything okay?" When she heard the shower turning off after long minutes, she knocked on the bathroom door just to let you know she was there and see if everything was okay. "Yeah, I'll be out in a minute." You say in a low voice, taking a deep breath. You knew that the moment you left the bathroom, your mother would know that your bad thoughts came back again, but you also knew that she wouldn't pressure you to say anything.

You close the bathroom door quietly, finally looking into Wanda's green eyes and seeing the worry through them. She held your backpack in her hands with her face confused at you, because she wouldn't think twice to get in the car and drive to you. "I was almost here at the Compound and the rain caught me." You chuckled, trying to hide your red eyes, your cheeks and the tip of your nose with the same color as your mother's hair.

"Are you okay, love?" She asks again, her face relaxed now. You put a fake smile on your face, but still with enormous affection for your mother.

"Yeah, just a little upset that my sketchbook got ruined, but it's okay." You don't completely lie. Yes, you were upset that your drawings would now have to go in the trash, but no, nothing was okay.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." Wanda says approaching you. You just throw it away, muttering 'it's okay' but she wraps her arms around you, giving you a relaxing hug. Your mother leaves a long kiss on your head, making the urge to cry increase even more. You loved all the affectionate actions that your mother gave you, it made you feel so vulnerable and light. "Come on, let's get you something to eat, shall we?" You didn't like eating when you were feeling bad like that, you felt like you were going to throw up when you put anything in your stomach because of the anxiety, but you just agreed.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn't even notice when you arrived in the kitchen which, unfortunately, was made up of a few people. You felt so overwhelmed that being in the same environment as some people made you feel even worse. The small group of Avengers on your left irritated you. The loud noises they made. The conversations. The sound of people swallowing food. The tapping of Steve's shoe on the floor. Everything irritated you. From the small scratches on the counter to the farthest lamp that blinked every one minute and two seconds. Wanda noticed that. She noticed that you were itching to keep from freaking out. That you closed your eyes tightly trying to ignore your surroundings. That she needed to do something to help. She wanted to come to you and ask what intrigued you so much. What made you take deep breaths and crack your fingers every second was curious.

"Thank you, momma." She almost didn't hear you because of your low and hoarse voice. Wanda leaves a kiss on your head as she watches your foot bouncing up and down, eating the sandwich she made.

Wanda debated in her head what she could do to make you feel better. She knew she couldn't pressure you into saying anything, but she was so worried that she would do anything to see you well again. And even if it got to the point where she had to read your mind, she couldn't. You somehow managed to block your mother from reading your thoughts and seeing what was wrong.

You place your plate in the sink, taking a deep breath. Finally you would get away from people and that feeling of anxiety would finally leave you, that's what you thought. You thought that just a few hours of lying in bed doing nothing would solve your problems, but deep down, you knew that wasn't what would happen. And, now walking towards your room, not even your plan of closing yourself under the covers would be complete, as your mother followed you with the comfortable atmosphere that she always exuded.

You lie in your bed watching your mother calmly wait for your permission to lie down next to you. You nod to her with a smile on your face. Wanda puts her arms around your body, running her hand on your back, making your body relax. You loved these moments between the two of you, you realized how important you are to her and how loved you are. "You know you can always talk to me, don't you?" She murmurs, making you lean into her even more. Your face was in the crook of her neck, hiding how your lip trembled trying to hold back your crying. "I love you so much, sweetheart."

You finally let out a sob when Wanda murmurs those words that came out of her mouth so sweetly. Her grip around you tightens as she feels tears fall onto the skin of her neck, leaving a kiss on your head. The caress on your back never stopped, reassuring you that you were safe in your mother's arms. "It's okay, baby. Everything's going to be okay." You hated crying out loud, but at that moment you couldn't control all those feelings that made your heart ache spilling across your face, and Wanda was there to remind you that it was okay to cry and feel that way. "I-I'm sorry."

"Honey... we never apologize because of our emotions, right? Never." Wanda pulls you to place you on her lap, making you lay your head on her chest. You start playing with the hem of your mother's shirt, sniffling as you try to think of words you could say to her. "Do you want to talk about it, детка?"

"It was just... a bad week." You murmur, snuggling even closer to Wanda, feeling her heartbeat in your ear, which made you calm down a little more. "I just- I'm just feeling so overwhelmed and... and I don't know what to do."

"Oh, baby... it's okay. We'll get through this, yeah? It's okay to feel this way and I'll help you with whatever you need, my love." She strokes your hair, making your body relax in her lap. You agree, feeling her comfortable words enter your ears and help you with the horrible thoughts. "You're so strong, honey. Remember you're not alone, okay?" You mumble something, agreeing with her. You never knew how Wanda could make you feel better with just a few words, maybe it was her magic? You never knew. But she would always be your best friend and the person who would always make you feel better again. "Thank you, momma."

You would never be able to explain how grateful you were to have your mother by your side, because there are so many people in the world who don't have that comfort, and just thinking about not having someone to help you through your episodes made you feel sick. Even if she didn't say it, you knew Wanda was afraid you'd go back to that time when the hole was deeper than it is now. You remember exactly how she cried with you when you vented to her about everything you were feeling, and how she helped you every step of the way again.

"You don't need to thank me, детка. I love you so much, okay? I will always be by your side, on whatever you need." And you knew she was telling the truth, because Wanda loves you so much. You will always be her little miracle and the most important thing in her life. She feels so proud of you, because she knows that you can get through this, that you are strong enough to get through all the challenges in your life. She believes in your ability to overcome these difficult times - because you can - and there will always be people to support and walk alongside you, because you'll never be alone.

[gothnitsa]

"Bioware's writing has gotten worse"

Ok, so I'm going to rant post about something and make it everyone elses' problem.

So, I recently came across a video that compared a scene of a queer character interacting with an unsupportive character in Dragon Age: Inquisition and a similar situation Dragon Age: the Veilguard. The video and the comments seem to imply that one scene is markedly worse than the other in a way that is immediately apparent. I want to push back against this.

Aside from the transphobia/anti-nb shit that is suggested by the video's framing and rampant in the comments, saying one scene is worse than the other is a mischaracterisation and discounts a lot of queer experience.

The scene in Inquisition is very dramatic: the language is flowery and elaborate, the performances are intense, it is a very compelling and dramatic scene. The framing for the scene and visual tone communicate a great deal of intensity and anger from Dorian: there are heavy shadows and dim lighting from torches that flicker, creating a scene that visually has a darkness and instability to it. The blocking of the scene puts a great deal of distance between the player character, Dorian, and his father, representing the distance in their relationship. It is very much a well crafted scene.

Now, the scene in Veilguard is much different: it opens with a very casual tone and atmosphere, the lighting of the scene is very warm and saturated. It feels like we are at a dinner table having a friendly conversation. Then, when the bomb gets dropped, we start to get close ups of each of the characters, interrupted by wide shots of the whole table. The shot of the table reminds us of the physical separation between these two characters, an echo of the rift that exists between them. We then get various close ups of each of the characters which get progressively closer, mirroring the intensity of the scene and the emotions.

Ok, so now we have the "Dialogue," the actual matter under discussion and point of comparison for these two scenes.

As mentioned above, Inquisition's style in this scene is deliberately intense and dramatic. It feels almost Shakespearean. We are given exposition on why Dorian's homosexuality is frowned upon, we get a tug of war between these two characters and the pain they both feel is palpable in the performances: the way Dorian's father speaks with such pain in his voice and Dorian's ferocity and anguish illustrate how this conflict isn't what either of them want, how the values and cultural circumstances have burned this bridge between them.

Now lets look at Veilguard. Right off the bat someone might feel critical of the sort of awkward start to this conversation. I won't lie, it was quite funny to hear someone go "here are some vegetables...so I'm non-binary." It's clunky, it's awkward, it's a strange way to introduce the topic but if you call this "unrealistic" or "bad writing," frankly I don't think you've seen many people come out.

Coming out is often awkward, painfull, and full of conflicting feelings. There's so much hesitation and anxiety baked into the very concept that there isn't anyway to bring it up that isn't awkward. This is actually a pretty realistic way to depict it. Furthermore, the actual conversation is also what I would call pretty realistic for an outing: the child tries to put it in as simple of terms as they possible can, lay it out in a way they think anyone can understand only for the parent to simply reject the explanation. What follows is a brief exchange that rapidly increases in intensity that is brought to life by some well done voice work (though, personally I think the music was a bit over bearing and did a little too much heavy lifting; I would have preferred the scene silent).

You can feel their frustration that is only further compounded by the mother's past behaviour and general presence. Even in this short video clip you can tell right off the bat that this mother child relationship isn't the most healthy, so this is just more fuel to the fire for them. The exchange is brief, harsh, and loaded with baggage and past bad blood between these two. You don't need to even know who these characters are to feel that. This is a much more realistic example of a character coming out to an unsupportive parent. It is laden with tension, awkwardness, unresolved anger, the burden of past expectations. There is, bluntly, a lot going on in this scene. Even just from this short clip you can get so much from these characters and their relationship while at the same time conveying a pretty impactfull and, honestly, real feeling queer experience.

So, no, one scene is not "worse" than the other. One scene has a deliberately awkward moment to convey the difficult and uncomfortable nature of coming out while at the same time communicating a great deal of character and struggle.

The other scene is an intense and dramatic confrontation that is meant to be more instep with the dark and intense tone that this scene holds within the narrative.

Both are well crafted scenes with deliberate directorial, cinematographic, character, and music choices that successfully convey what these moments are supposed to represent.

[soupbtch]

I've been sitting on this thought for months and only held onto it because I was considering exploring ed's feelings here further in a fic but I don't think I'll ever write it and today seems like a good day to share. so.

to me, calypso's birthday is all about ed's compounding guilt. we have the scene with ed sensing a storm that he can't see, then facing izzy and his leg, and then stede shoving the last of the treasure into a 'guilt room.' he's back in the crew's good graces, but all of these remaining consequences from the kraken era are bubbling up and ed can't avoid them anymore.

but ed is changing and growing, and he tries to make things better, to make amends and finally get out of his own way and to allow himself things that will make him happy, but ned shows up at the exact moment ed and stede are about to dance because of course he does. he's another consequence of the kraken era. ed isn't even surprised by this point - he's been facing the guilt all day, and he goaded ned on for all those months.

the problem now, though, is that stede and the crew are in danger, and I think (if we were given longer episodes) we would've seen that internal guilt play out in ed's character more here. anyway, the crew get tortured, stede gets burned right in front of ed's eyes when he's helpless to do anything about it, and still he refuses to kill ned at the end of it all because he knows it won't solve anything: it'd only make him feel worse. and he's done torturing himself. he's done standing in the way of his own happiness. and then he watches stede kill ned, and oh no, that's ed's fault, too. if he hadn't spiraled, if he hadn't egged ned on for all those months, none of them would be in this mess, stede wouldn't be upset, stede wouldn't have to face the thing (murder) that made ed feel like he's a monster.

I think that night in the cabin is when all the guilt that had been building all episode would finally come to a head. I made a post about this a long time ago, but I think when stede takes his shirt off, ed would see all the scars on stede's body and it would absolutely wreck him.

[jaeyunluvr]

LET ME IN (p.js)

warnings smoking, mentions of alcohol, death, parent problems, cursing

for my darling baby and my bsf nessa @heeslomll happy happiest birthday sweetheart i love you so damn much <3 pls forgive me this is not proofread at all

you sighed deeply as you brought a newly made blunt to your mouth, your legs dangled from the edge of the thick wall, that once happened to be the compound of somebody's humble abode.

it was a ruin, but it was once a happy home, or maybe it looked like a happy home. memories on the broken walls, just as broken as you were.

you exhale the smoke as it harshly brushes past the lining of your throat, making you scrunch up your nose. you'd never get used to the sting it gave you despite smoking for years.

you gazed at the cityscape in front of you which sparkled with bright lights and yet it looked weird. like it had no destination and it's shining for no one specifically.

endless thoughts clouding your head, you inhale on your blunt once again, closing your eyes getting lost in the high.

you don't notice the sound of the footsteps that approach you until you feel a presence next to you. a pair of legs drop next to you, dangling in the air, a pair of leather boots attached to them.

you turn to see a familiar face that looks up at you with disappointment. you couldn't take in the way your best friend, the only person you ever had by your side, look at you that way.

but what can you do? this was your only outlet. endless cigarettes and blunts, spoilt lungs, cans of beer and bottles of various types of alcohol.

after you quit college, smoke was your life. from your bike to your blunts. somehow you related your life to it. foul scent but invisible.

maybe you would've lived better if your mother didn't leave you with your dad. maybe you would've lived better if she nurtured and cared for you even a bit as a child. maybe you would've lived better if your dad didn't kill himself when he finally had the burden of debts get heavy on him.

jay looks at you, with a softer gaze this time. you release the puff of smoke just in front of his face but not directly at him. he sways his hand in front of his to diffuse away the gas and frowns his eyebrows as you giggled.

he harshly grabs the blunt from your hand and drops it down the high wall.

"yn fucking quit it. you're ruining yourself" he spat as his voice was laced with irritation and disgust but his eyes, they showed concern.

you rolled your eyes and let out a sigh. "next time, don't fucking snatch my blunt like that." you deadpanned proceeding to grab a cigarette from your pocket. you stand up and walk away from him, and just when you're about to light it, jay once again slaps your hand causing it to fall to the ground. he grabs the pack of cigarettes from your hand and stashes it into his pocket.

"can you fucking stop?" you speak as tears start to brim your eyes.

"yn no I cannot. I can't just stay quiet and let you ruin yourself over something that you don't have control of. this was not how you were yn. please get back."

"something I don't have control of? then why the fuck am I suffering the consequences? if you want me to stop then maybe fucking take my pain away, jay."

you say as your voice quivers, a huge lump forming at your throat. your mind runs through a million memories of everything worse and beyond.

jay walks towards you, taking your hands in his.

"yn, I don't think I can take your pain away but I can help you through it. just give me one chance please?"

you stay quiet. you knew jay loved you and it was not just as his best friend. he had confessed to you multiple times but you've rejected him every single time because what would he live like when he's constantly tied to you. you were just a havoc in every way and you would never want to hog his life with your problems.

you were like poison and he was like the pure milk. and why was he waiting to be tainted with your dark life?

you feel your heart getting heavy as you sense multiple emotions that wash over you. the sorrow you kept experiencing, the helplessness you were at, the utter love jay had for you and the biggest one yet, the guilt of not being able to be your best version for him.

your breaths get heavier and you feel your throat getting clogged with a lump, your fingers curl into a fist as you choke out a sob, tears slipping down the brim of your eyes, as they travel down your dusted cheeks.

jay calls out to you softly and gently wraps his arms around your shoulders as if you were something very fragile.

his heart physically aches as he sees you in such a bad state. the love of his life, the girl he wanted to protect, the girl who always pretended to be strong and withheld the worst nightmares all by herself.

you start sobbing at the comfort of his embrace, your chest filled with inexplainable heaviness. jay pats your head in a comforting manner, as your tears damp his shirt. he pulls apart while holding your face between his palms.

oh god he couldn't bear to see you like that. you couldn't read his expression and maybe it was because of this dim moonlight, but what you couldn't deny was the love he had for you. it was radiating off of him.

jay wipes your tears with his thumbs and leans down, pressing a feathery kiss to your right eyelid followed by your left and you swore to god you melted.

he then leans further down capturing your lips with his into the sweetest kiss ever. he didn't care if you just smoked, he didn't care if your lips were salty because of the tears. he just had to kiss your pain away, atleast for a moment, and he did.

that one moment, your whole world paused. your best friend, also the best man on the planet, kissed you. not only that but that moment managed to make you forget your entire sorrow. it was just him and you. it felt like nothing else mattered.

he breaks the kiss softly and whispers, "yn I fucking love you, you have no idea. please just please let me take care of you. please lean onto me, please rant to me, please cry to me. I can't take it when you're like this. I want my yn back, I want you to have yourself back. I'll help you through it and I promise to not turn my back on you."

your sigh shivered through the night air and your hands were starting to tremble slightly.

"I will let you in jay, thank you so much."

perm taglist :: @pockettwinzz @alvojake @miss-conjayniality @seunghancore <3

[ihopesocomic]

Do you think bullying is considered a type of abuse? Does "bully redemption" trope can also be considered a abuser redemption? I can't like this kind of narrative at all. Not even "A Silent Voice " could convince me.

The thing is with bullying is that it is often committed by children and the overreaching fact is that hardly any adult is going to look back on their actions as a child/young adult and say yes, that totally was not cringe of me. This further compounded by the person's home life and/or if they're dealing with personal issues.

I was a pretty huge asshole as a kid and it's not like I mellowed out the moment I hit 18 either. I was dealing with a lot of stuff (i.e. such as undiagnosed autism/schizophrenia and psychologists refusing to take me seriously) and I dealt with it in a shitty manner by being this "edgy badass" online and just getting into online fights whenever I can because being deemed intimidating and scary online made up for the fact I was an insecure outcast offline.

I truly regret how I conducted myself back then. Regardless of what I was going through, nobody deserved to have to deal with me lashing out at them. It was also just embarrassing behaviour to boot.

But I do think bullying can certainly be counted as abuse and it certainly begets abusive tendencies (points to self, who was bullied throughout elementary and high school). But in that vain, I feel people respond to depictions of it in a manner that isn't exactly constructive and is borderline abusive itself, like the desire to outright commit assault or murder on said bully being depicted. lol

Because I also feel this question is also in reference to Rose and her behaviour and while I can't give much away on how we're going to handle her arc, I feel like people demanding she dies or whatever is just... Yeah, let's not. It's essentially 'I hope Vicious dies, particularly at the hands of her abuser' all over again.

It's clear Rose is growing up in a pretty unhealthy environment and is being groomed to take on a position of authority in said unhealthy environment.

I've seen the same kind of reception to irl children of cult leaders and the intent behind Rose's character is to deconstruct the fact that people - particularly children - are very much influenced by what surrounds them and will respond accordingly to it. We're social animals at the end of the day. Same goes for (anthropomorphic) lions. Not to mention what goes on in a cult that may seem alarming and disturbing to us is not necessarily the case for those within it... because they've been brainwashed into thinking it's OK. Rose is very much not exempt from this and her being groomed to become Queen by her father has only made things worse.

Anyway, my apologies, this thing got pretty long and also kinda personal and it probably also doesn't make a whole lot of sense but feeling that bullies cannot be redeemed? Totally get that. Responding to the depiction with unhealthy thoughts of child abuse or murder? I can't really get behind that. If there's room for growth and a chance for them to change rather than becoming outright established abusers as fully-fledged adults, I feel we should hope for that. - RJ

--

Like everything, it depends on how it's done. I don't know what A Silent Voice is, but some things are just too far past forgiveness or redemption. Cuz at that point its not "bullying", it's hazing. If it's teasing, or there's mutual sass happening, or heck even if one person thinks the other is bullying but it was a misunderstanding (Amity calling Luz a bully in The Owl House), and its not full on harassment, or stalking, I don't see the harm in allowing someone to better themselves and liking how they've changed, especially if they're young. And I don't see a problem with a friendship beginning at a place of conflict and grow into something strong and meaningful. I don't even think forgiveness of the bullying itself is a requirement to move on? Maybe I'm just old so I handle things differently than like a teenager would, but certain stuff just stops bothering you. People I'm still friends with to this day weren't exactly pleasant to me early on in our relationship or vice versa, but we never "forgave" the infraction and we've all just moved on because the infraction in question was never done again which is something I personally care more about. I've actually had someone from High school see me years later and apologize for how they treated me. It was just all water under the bridge at that point. But what I think about how things are handled in media is not the same thing as real people. What might not be a big deal to one person might be a big deal for someone else. Again bully redemption is something to be done with care and more often just excuses abuse which is gross. But I've seen it done right, but I wouldn't exactly call it commonplace. - Cat

[sseomtada]

being [ruben dias]

the rekindling of your relationship continues, leaving a confession of your own pending.

warnings: 18+ | wc: 5576 | 5/8

Was there a name for a honeymoon phase the second time around?

There wasn’t a technical phrase, you checked. Interestingly, among your research, you came across an article that perfectly articulated what you were experiencing with Ruben. It was the stage of your relationship where you now saw their imperfections and flaws, where you didn’t see your partner on the pedestal you initially place them on in the beginning.

He was no longer the one person who could do no wrong in your eyes or the one who held all the answers to your problems. You weren’t the co-dependent and starry eyed girl who only viewed others through a lens of what you wanted them to be either.

You were okay with that and so was he.

After making quite the…mess in your office, there wasn’t much face to face interaction between you two. Ruben was quickly whisked away by his team to another country for a Champions League match. Even though that initially felt like an inconvenience, you shifted the perspective to something more constructive.

It gave you time to sit with your thoughts and emotions. You still had no regrets about getting back together with him, but you had to truly assess the decision from every angle within. The way it transpired seemed relatively rushed at first. In retrospect, you realized it was anything but hasty.

Your previously relationship with Ruben never came to an organic end. There was no fizzling out or love lost, only an obstacle that he didn’t give himself or you a chance to push through. Had things been different and he brought his fears to you then, would you have ever broken up?

All roads you took in that vein lead you to believe that you wouldn’t have. Of course, there was no way to know for sure what the future held for that version of events. Anything could’ve happened over the course of those seven years that might’ve eventually drove a wedge between you. However, as things were, there was no end in sight.

Maybe that was why it still was effortless with him, potentially even more so now than it was then. You’d both experienced a lot of growth as one naturally does when life progresses. The people you were currently and the past you shared left no room for pretense. He came as he was, raw and unfiltered in his accountability. You didn’t feel obligated to give him anything in return - you wanted to. And that carried the most weight.

“What happened to the sofa?”

Cindy’s question brought you back to a startling reality. You tried to reign in your nervous expression, smoothing fallen hairs at the back of your neck.

“I made a big mess with some takeout.” Even you had a hard time buying that. “It was irredeemable. A new one should be here in a few hours.”

Aki came in from the kitchen, munching on the lo mein. “Shame. I really liked that big, comfy thing.”

That nibbling guilt returned to your stomach. Compounded onto the fact that you still had yet to tell her about the first conversation was now the big revelation that you’d gotten back together with Ruben. Your apprehension only grew worse with the addition of the later.

It didn’t stem from a lack of trust or a fear of judgment. She was somebody that you could confess a murder to and it would only be met with a response like, do you need help hiding the body?

You just knew that it wouldn’t be highly celebrated news. The way things ended, her being caught in the crossfire and the absolute wreck you were would be the things playing at the forefront of her mind when you told her. It was no fault of hers, literally anyone else in the same position wouldn’t be able to not think back to that time.

Perhaps stronger than any of that was the worry that your confession would hurt her. The last thing you wanted was for her to feel like you didn’t consider the pain she carried silently in regards to Ruben. It was a complicated situation that you were still trying to navigate internally.

Luckily, for the time being, you had the distraction of work. Erling’s project was on its finishing touches. You’d finalized the website and had it ready to launch, Aki aced securing a major partnership and Cindy was working with his assistant to put together a small launch party.

Did they buy the excuse about the “takeout”.

You bit down on a smile as your fingers typed quickly.

I think so. The leftovers in the fridge sold it more than I did.

“What’s got you all giggly?” Aki materialized at your door.

You jumped slightly, startled by not even hearing her approach. The messages app flicked shut and you placed your phone down before feigning business at your monitors.

“My mom sent me another one of those videos of her cat.” You replied with ease that shocked yourself.

It wasn’t entirely a lie. She did often send you videos of Jason being a weirdo. Your pseudo sibling had to be the most uncoordinated and ungraceful feline in existence. The latest snippet shared actually did come in this morning with him leaping up and completely missing a tree branch.

“That little guy is spectacularly peculiar.” Her lips pursed. Another white lie seemed to have passed.

“Tell me about it.” You chuckled. “What’s up?”

She slung dramatically across your guest chair. “Just wanted to know if you were burning the midnight oil again.”

Though certainly not her intention, her words made the ache between your thighs prominent to your senses. You squeezed them together and shut down the flashbacks running through your head as you shifted in your seat.

“I should actually try to rest since we have the party in two nights.” You exhaled lengthily.

It was well into the wee hours when you got home this morning, for obvious reasons. And for those same causes, or singular driver, you were too hopped up on adrenaline to fall straight asleep. It didn’t help that you were giggling on the phone with him like you were twelve either.

“Ugh, you’re right.” Aki groaned, shooting back on to her feet to exit. “About the party and the rest, by the way. Not even my emergency kit can rescue you from those eye bags. Luggage at this point.”

Before you could hurl a playful insult back or a pen from your desk, she made quick her escape. You shook your head and decided to actually start getting a move on your tasks for the day. Being snug under your blanket at a decent hour actually sounded like a fantastic idea.

After a nice, long soak in your bathtub, you threw on a onesie and a sheet mask to really activate the relaxation vibe.

The next order of business was finding something good to eat. As much as you wanted to start munching on those delicious chocolate covered ice ream bars in your freezer, you refrained until you could actually get a meal in your stomach.

Rifling through your fridge and pantry was kind of depressing. You’d been so busy recently that there wasn’t time to do a good grocery haul. Most of the food you ate had been acquired on the go and you wanted to cook for a change, but that didn’t look as if it was going to happen tonight.

You wouldn’t complain about ordering in though. Opening the takeout app was just as exhilaration as going on your favorite retail sites. There were so many options and all of your favorites were right at your fingertips.

Your mouth couldn’t help but water as you scrolled through to decide what your poison was going to be tonight. Just as you were looking through the offerings at an Italian place nearby, your phone screen was taken over by a call.

“What are you up to?” The smile in Ruben’s voice was audible.

“I was mid pasta hunt before you interrupted.” You tutted.

“That’s funny, I’m making some right now.” In the background, you heard a pan meeting a stovetop.

So, he was already back home then. You didn’t watch the match earlier, but you did check in on the result. It wasn’t a shock that his team had won given that they were so dominant in the sport - a fact you came to know rather belatedly.

“I can make enough for two, if you want.” Ruben continued.

“Extra cheese. I’ll be there soon.” You grinned before hanging up.

The sheet mask stayed on until the very last minute after you threw on some sweats. It felt like you were holding your breath as you left your loft. Aki wasn’t some overbearing friend that kept tabs on your comings and goings, yet you found yourself easing the door shut to minimize any alert of your exit.

It wasn’t a lie when you told her you wanted to turn in early tonight, you reminded yourself. That was actually the plan and you were halfway there. But when the pasta gods intervened, well, who were you to shun them?

Your car left the garage with Ruben’s address set on the navigation. He messaged it to you, making you laugh silently. Seeing it brought you back to what you guessed was the first tug on the string that unravelled everything. You’d known where he lived since his name popped up on Nike’s mailing list.

A short and smooth twenty minutes - more like fifteen since you kinda hit the gas - found you pulling into his parking garage. One thing he did provide that you needed to know was the code for entry. You took the guest spot beside his jeep and made your way inside.

“So, this is what making a shit ton of money will get you.” Your brows raised as he let you in.

“Mhm,” Ruben kissed you quickly. Then slower the second time. “Wait until you see the view.”

You jokingly gasped and followed the scent of aromatics to his kitchen. While your cooking skills were described as survivable at best, he always had a talent for putting together a really tasty dish. A moan sounded from you as you leaned over the steaming pan.

“I set the wine out on the balcony. Go get comfy, I’ll bring your plate.” He nudged your hips with his.

“Yes, sir.” You bit your lip and made your way over.

When you first stepped into his place, you thought the air was running but the exterior door was cracked. A wide grin broke of once you stepped outside to see the small setup with the admittedly impressive backdrop of the city. He’d turned on the lowlights and lit a few candles. A bottle of red was waiting for you as promised, along with a blanket folded over one of the seats.

You wrapped the thick, knitted fabric around your frame before pouring yourself a decent amount of wine. As you sipped, you took a deep breath and enjoyed the atmosphere. It must be one of his favorite ways to relax away from what seemed to be a hectic life these days.

“Are you comfortable?” Ruben appeared with your food, as promised.

You nodded, extending a hand to help him out. He joined in on your state of coziness and you poured him a glass too.

“Cheers.” He held his out.

“To what?” Your voice lowered.

“Being yours and getting to call you mine again.” Ruben placed a hand over your own.

You shook your head, calling him corny. but it was impossible to hide the way his words flustered you. It was nice to know that the years apart didn’t rob him of his ability to be so romantic. Also pleasant to note was that his cooking had gotten even better.

Your eyes widened as you took a bite of the chicken. It was juicy and perfectly seasoned. As if you couldn’t believe what you’d tasted, you went in immediately for a second bite with the pasta this time. Your palate was being blessed, objectively.

“I asked one of the team’s chefs for their recipe.” Ruben chuckled at your surprise.

“It’s so good.” You shimmed on your third chew.

Over your delicious meal, you asked him a series of questions that you were curious about. The first of them being whether or not this was a date. Of course. You apologized for being underdressed. Don’t be silly, we’re matching. That was true, those grey sweats of his…

Your mind refocused onto the impromptu Q&A. One thing you were definitely intrigued about was that first night you ran into each other. What was he doing in that area? That time of night and the lowkey look he wore honestly screamed leaving a booty call. If that was what it was, you couldn’t be mad.

“Some friends from back home were staying at a hotel nearby.” He answered. “I thought I was going crazy when I saw you running and called out but-”

“Headphones.” You rolled your eyes.

“Yes. And then it became a whole thing when you dropped your keys. Nice swing, by the way.” Ruben tipped his glass to you.

The compliment was returned, “Nice reaction time.”

“Tell that to my back.” He grumbled.

You wrapped up your meal and headed back inside to tidy things up. Ruben knew better than to object because if there was one thing you hated, it was leaving a kitchen a mess before heading to bed. The least you would settle for was rinsing everything and placing them in the dishwasher, which you did as his eyes followed.

“So,” You walked over to where he sat on a bar stool. “Are you gonna give me the grand tour?”

His lips curled as he hummed. “This place looks best in the morning.”

Your body found itself between his legs after he pulled you close. Ruben grinned mischievously before tilting forward to taste you. It was instant, the way you opened up for him. His teeth flashing in between your tongues meeting showed just how much he liked that.

“Are you implying something?” You spoke into his mouth.

“Maybe,” He breathed. “Should I just come out and say it?”

You nodded slowly, hands sliding up the the soft fabric covering his muscled thighs.

“Stay with me.”

“Okay-“

Your acceptance was barely completed before it was replaced with a yelp. Ruben stood up and lifted you into his arms. In the time it took you to get to his bedroom, you could’ve scanned around a bit to see a preview of what was to come in the morning. You were too focused on him though.

The prominent vein running along the side of his neck was begging to be kissed. So you pressed your mouth to it - lips parted and hungry. You felt him shudder under the licks and sucks you gave it and all too soon, you were detached to be placed on top of his sprawling bed.

Ruben crawled over you, lifting the back of your knee with his own to hitch your leg over his hips. You giggled into his hungry kisses and then moaned. A sneaky hand of his had made its way under your hoodie, thumb brushing over your hardened nipple as he massaged your breast.

You bit down on his bottom lip, bucking into him - already on the hunt for some kind of relief for your thrumming core. He used his lower half to pin you still. It only made your urge grow into agony, feeling the one thing you wanted most concealed by too many layers. When you tried a stealthy maneuver of your own, he was quick to catch it.

“Always so impatient.” Ruben tutted as he caught your wrist.

“Always such a tease.” You gave it right back.

He chuckled in a way that said I’m gonna make you eat your words. By God, you hoped he did sooner rather than later. You pressed your palms to the bed and pushed up. The silent request was thankfully met with him at least removing your top layer.

You caressed his head and let your back meet the sheets once more as he kissed down your body. Ruben stopped at the waistband of your sweats, giving it a pull between his teeth. A vexed moan sounded in your throat. He shushed you, curling his fingers into either side of your pants before dragging them down.

“Someone came prepared.” His comment came in response to your lack of underwear.

Your look of annoyance didn’t last long. It was swiftly replaced with one of bliss when you felt his mouth close around your pussy, tongue slicing you open for him to get a taste. He exhaled deeply through his nose and tugged you flush to his face.

“Yes, fuck-“ Your breath caught.

Ruben arched his tongue around your clit in a full circle before settling under to push it upwards. You writhed beneath him. The voice in your mind was chastising you as loudly as your body was crying out. It was never a good idea to challenge him.

He was easily the most competitive person you’d ever met, proving it yet again as he held your swollen bud up with a glint in his eye. Chipping away at your resolve. Waiting for your concession. You knew when to choose your battles.

“Please...” The shakiness in your voice really sealed the deal.

His tongue finally licked up your clit and then all over it on the way down. Your thighs locked him in while he gave it his undivided attention, thorough as ever to avoid missing a single spot. Each nerve in the bundle got its kiss, flick and suck.

There were no other sounds in the room besides your labored breaths and cries, his grunts and wet mouth growing drencher with your never ending slick. Your fingers threaded through his hair, pressing him deeper still.

It was right there. The torturously slow buildup preceding the crescendo. You just needed a bit more. Your hips rolled in circles, side to side and then up and down. When he slurped at your hole before twisting his tongue inside, they stilled. He knew he hit the target then and so he kept going.

You mouth stammered over your words as your body did the same in his hold. They were both saying the same thing nonetheless. Ruben spurred you on, a hand coming down on the side of your ass while his tongue kept lapping at your clit.

A guttural noise clawed its way out of you as you tensed and released into his lingering mouth all over again. Once you were reduced to nothing but limp muscles and jolts of aftershocks, he resurfaced.

“So good, baby.” Ruben leaned over to press his glistening lips to yours.

There was no trace left of him in the kiss. The insides of his cheeks, tops and bottoms of his gums and tongue all tasted of you. It sparked life back into your bones, a physical manifestation of what your glasses met over earlier.

Yours.

Mine.

In an unsuspecting move, you flipped him over until you were straddling his hips. Your fingers dug into his shoulders as you dragged your drenched core slid over his hardened length. It was him that was left squirming beneath you this time, something you’d delight in if you hadn’t already been pushed over the ledge.

Ruben was in the same headspace. His eyes mirrored your own, nearly black with yearning. The layers of his clothing joined yours in a heap at his bedside. No underwear either. Your brows raised alongside your hips, someone was prepared.

A chorus of sighs and moans filled the air as you sank down onto his cock. Your head dropped back, hands pressing into his chest. The way his heartbeat ran wild under your fingertips made your lips tug.

To test your readiness, you arched your back. More glide than burn. You started building your rhythm, thighs tensing to help you move up and down. The more confident you became in taking him, the more your body loosened.

Your ass rolled like a wave, tempo rising each time your flesh came flush to his. Oh, God, you thought you heard him say. Actually, you were sure he’d said it. The way he looked up at you, hands moving to cup your breasts confirmed it.

Along with his noises and your own came the meeting of the back of your hips on the tops of his thighs. It was the only sound that ever made you understand the term music to my ears. You slammed harder, deeper, more pointed to draw even more of those notes out of his beautifully agape mouth.

His cock was a thing of wonder, the way it filled you up. So snug between your walls that you could feel the prominent vein running along its back as you worked him base to tip and back again. So intoxicating, your mind was stuck like glue on the feeling of how much of you he was coated in.

You folded forward, unsynchronized breaths mingling with his as you gave him a kiss that matched the same energy. A spell of confusion caused your compass to malfunction and made you lose your way. How was it even possible for him to feel this good?

Ruben was right there to guide you back as he so often had been before. His knees bent and his hands settled under your hips while his own raised into you. The vein in his neck swelled thick with rushing blood just like the one fucking into your pussy did with his seed.

Mine.

Yours.

The earth cracked and shattered and you quaked. His arms circled your waist tight, holding you as he weathered both of your storms. Everything around you crumbled and faded out of existence. For the next euphoric moments that followed, only you and him remained.

After a prolonged period of feeling the prick of his facial hair under your fingertips and his own running up and down your spine, he guided you to his shower. The water pressure offered a nice massage, but paled in effort to the relief his hands brought as they glided over your skin.

Ruben held the covers open for you to slip under, a call that would never go unanswered. You molded to him in a way that made you shudder. Your head rested in the crook of his arm that curled around your shoulders, a leg nestled snugly between his - not too spacious and not too compressed, just right.

You blinked slowly, lashes brushing his nearby skin. “Ruben?”

“Hm?” His chest rumbled.

“Promise me that even if this doesn’t last, things won’t end like they did before.”

He stopped breathing for a second and so did you. Back then, you probably would’ve said something like promise you won’t ever leave. You never thought to because you didn’t believe he ever would’ve.

Now, you realized the flaw in that sort of ask. If he said he wouldn’t and then he did, you couldn’t accuse him of lying. No one thought in the moments where they were deeply enamored with one another that they’d part, just as no one who got married for love would only do so to divorce.

Ruben inhaled again and tilted your face upwards, “I promise.”

Your eyes searched his for any trace of disingenuousness. When they were met with a steady, unblinking, challenging gaze, you were finally filled with ease. You kissed him gently and resumed your previous position.

“Besides,” He snuggled deeper into you. “If anything, you’re gonna have to get rid of me. I’ll be here tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and-”

You pressed a finger to his lips. “I get it. Go to sleep.”

For the first time in ages, you must’ve clocked in more than five hours of uninterrupted rest.

When your eyes peeled open, they were met with a fully lit sky instead of darkness or the murky beginnings of a sunrise. Your back bowed and then froze in position. Instead of being met with warmth, all you felt were cool sheets.

Just when you thought you might’ve lost Ruben to training or something, you heard rattling coming from the kitchen. There was also the faint scent of espresso drifting from under the door. You slid on his discarded sweatshirt from the pile that moved to his armchair and ventured out.

“There’s my beautiful chainsaw.” Ruben smiled as you appeared.

You smacked his bare back to earn a hiss, “I do not snore.”

“Only when you’re exhausted, love.” He handed you a steaming cup. “Did you sleep well?”

Your hand extended, beckoning to him. Ruben bent to meet it and melted under your fingertips that drew him near. You kissed him appreciatively, not wanting a moment to go by where you didn’t show him how grateful you were that he looked after you with care.

“I did.” You took a sip of your coffee and moaned. “Now where’s my tour?”

He shook his head with a grin and whisked you away to the entrance. In true social media giant with millions of followers style, he walked you through his apartment bit by bit. There was the coat closet, riveting and the guest rooms, very spacious. Then his bedroom which you’d already gotten very familiar with, he added.

All that was really left was the main open living space. What you were really interested in was his shelf and the mantle with all of his pictures, medals and awards. He explained the occasion and meaning behind each of them. Premier Leagues, domestic cups, bests of the season. You ran your thumb over the one you knew held the most meaning.

“Champions League…” Though you were infinitely proud of his achievement, your heart was heavy.

Ruben had spoken so much about it from the time when you were kids. He always knew that he was going to become a footballer, and a great one at that. This title was one he longed for vocally on many days.

“When I lift the trophy again,” He hugged you from behind and kissed your cheek. “You’ll be there with me.”

You nodded, wanting that dream to become a reality more than anything else. Well, besides being with him when he won the World Cup. At least that would be a first you got to experience together.

He took you back to the kitchen where he’d already started on breakfast. The toast was ready and after frying some eggs and adding slices of avocado, you both dug in. Such a simple meal that never missed the spot.

“So, Erling’s party is tomorrow night.” Ruben shot you a look.

Of course, the whole team was on the invite list you’d spied over Cindy’s shoulder. You knew what he was getting at and you also knew that it had to be today when you sat Aki down to have that conversation.

“I’ll tell her when I get back.” You promised.

“You don’t have to be nervous. She loves you, no matter what.” He reassured. “Me on the other hand…”

That was going to be the interesting part for sure. You wished you had some words to dispel his fears, but you both knew that they didn’t really exist. Her dislike for him was palatable, nearly a match for your mother’s - which was another bridge you certainly weren’t remotely ready to cross.

“One step at a time.” Was the best you could come up with.

It seemed to be good enough for Ruben, who approved with a half smile.

Wrapping up breakfast and trying to leave to actually get your day started was the hardest thing you’d done in recent memory. All you wanted to do was stay in this perfect little bubble with him - his arms caging you in, lips peppering your face, his deep voice begging five more minutes.

On days like this in the past, you would’ve easily played hooky and called in sick. Alas, that was when you were working for someone you honestly hated. Now that you had your own company, there was no room for letting your work fall behind since it all rode on you.

Ruben gave you one final searing kiss that took up the last of his allotted five minutes before you got into your car. The way you were beaming on the drive back to your place was kind of mortifying once you’d snapped out of your butterfly induced haze.

Almost immediately, it was replaced with sweaty palms and a racing heart. And not in the infatuation sense. You gave yourself a pep talk in the elevator as you headed up, remembering Ruben’s words. He was right and so were you, there was nothing to be afraid of.

Still, you found yourself tiptoeing once the lift got to your floor. You’d adopted his stalling tactic of promising that in just a bit more time, you would head over to hers. Maybe you should tidy up the place beforehand and -

“Ahem.”

You wanted to scream, but instead became that the woman was too stunned to speak meme. Aki was sitting cross legged on your sofa. She’d clearly been there for some time based off the empty plate and drained glass on the coffee table. It was now or never.

“I’ve got to tell you something.” You made your way over to join her.

“Spill! You’ve been acting weird for a while now.” She griped. “Are you having doubts about the business? Is the shitty weather making you moody? Wait…are you seeing somebody?!”

“Yes!” The answer to her rambling barrage came out louder than intended.

Aki stared at you wide eyed and then began going on another spiel, this time of excitement. You reeled her in, literally, by taking both her hands in yours. A silent version of the affirmations you gave yourself earlier ran through your head as you took a breath.

“I am seeing someone, again. Ruben.” You finally admitted. “I know that sounds fucking insane, but let me explain.”

Seeing Aki take on a serious expression was something you’d only experienced a handful of times. Not many things made her completely shed the upbeat, fun-loving layers she wore, but it wasn’t surprising that your revelation was now one of them.

She listened as you started from the day you went to City’s training grounds and the car ride that followed. It wasn’t the most cheerful conversation to rehash, both your emotions and his in that moment still tugging viscerally on your heart. Your gaze dropped for a second, returning to hers when you felt her hands give yours a reassuring squeeze.

The rest tumbled out painlessly. You told her about him coming to the office when you worked late, how you and him realized that trying things again was worth a shot. And then, of course, your absence from your loft from this morning was cleared up.

All that was left out were the parts about the sex, especially the office couch incident. She probably would appreciate not having that visual, though you were sure her powers of deduction would do the work for you.

“Wow, that’s definitely not what I was expecting.” Aki chewed on her bottom lip.

You digested her response with a nod, your head bowing. It was more than a lot to take in, so you weren’t surprised that she wasn’t throwing a parade in congratulations for you reunion with Ruben.

She untangled her hands from yours only to pull you in for a hug. “I know it wasn’t an easy decision and I wish you didn’t feel like you had to make it alone.”

“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.” You failed to hide your sniffle.

“Don’t be, I understand.” Aki pulled back, wiping your cheeks. “I only care about two things: are you sure about this and are you happy?”

Something like the grin you wore on your drive returned, “Yeah.”

She groaned and hugged you again, pulling you down to rest on top of her. Aki wrapped her legs around you, shaking your body side to side like she used to when you would try out the moves you’d seen on WrestleMania. You reached up to give her a peck on the cheek and she screamed, pushing you off.

“I bet you still have his spit in your mouth! Ew!” She scrambled from the sofa.

You ran after her, making kissy faces. “I thought you wanted me to be getting pounded religiously!”

That was enough to chase her right out of the front door.

[j0kers-light]

I just know Joker would be so fed up with a reader who needs glasses

Like no J, I didn't see you the other day when you were stalking me while I was shopping, sorry for not going over and say hi.

SORRY my visits to the ophthalmologist are that expensive, I'm just a girl who needs her eyes checked!!

"Bunny... what da ya mean you need... contact lenses...? Like lentils for t'eyes?"

omg I can't he is just so dumb when he wants to😭

Woah anon this one hits too close to home. I went to the ophthalmologist last Thursday and for the first time in my life, I need glasses. I am not adjusting well 😣

Let's get into it! I do hope you enjoy beloved! 🖤✨

Joker instantly makes fun of you. For starters, Frost had to help you back home since they dilated your eyes at the office and urged you not to drive. So you came through the door, looking like a lost cause clinging onto Frost.

For months you've been complaining about headaches and double vision, all on deaf ears. You had to take matters into your own hands and find a specialist to perform an eye exam.

Now you're finally getting help to correct your vision! Not like Joker cares. He picks on you by waving his hands in front of your face. You snap at him because you can still see.

"J move out the way! I'm not legally blind, this is only temporary." You grope at the air to prevent yourself from bumping into anything. You still run head first into a potted plant, knocking it over.

Joker thinks your protective glasses, he dubbed them "Ray Charles" are absolutely hilarious. They help with bright lights until your pupils return to normal but it does make you look, well, like a visually impaired person. "All you need is a cane, doll!"

Its days like this where you question why you love Joker. He's such a jerk.

Any support or help you wish to get from Joker is non existent. He is blissfully unaware about how serious your situation is. Thankfully the drops wear off but you have to endure Joker for the upcoming days until your glasses come in the mail.

Joker says the most insensitive things to you like, "Bunny what do ya mean you need uh, contact lenses? Like lentils for your eyes?" or "My Bunny is blind. Maybe I should call ya mouse instead?"

You groan for the umpteenth time and ignore him. You're not legally blind, just.. [insert level of impairment] His jokes aren't funny.

Finally your prescriptions arrive in the mail and you hastily put them on. Its like seeing the world anew. You smile and glance around the room and your eyes land on Joker, who has his jaw on the floor.

"Wow.. I uh.. ahem. You look... B-Bunny.. ya look nerdy. Did they not have a err better selection?" He looked away, hiding his blush.

And your happiness is squashed. Great. You're not his goddess anymore. You sulk around the apartment as you adjust to your new eyes feeling completely miserable. Along with the expected headaches, and discomfort, your mood is in the sewer.

It brings about.. let's say problems. Key word: Joker is the problem. He plays too much and your poor frames is his brand new toy. He bends them, loses them, and even worse? He completely breaks them all 'on accident'. Yeah right.

He just laughs each time saying, "I'll uhh buy ya a new pair."

Joker is a man of his word but your ophthalmologist gives you a disapproving look when you order your sixth pair of glasses in a two month period. Insurance has since stopped footing the bill, they're fed up too.

Your doctor suggests contacts which you think would be a better fit. It is not. Joker manages to ruin them too.

He misplaces your contact case. He uses your contact fluid for a new laughing gas compound, he distracts you and much to your horror-- you sleep with your contacts still in.

Along with the stress of new glasses, the sudden change in your life, and Joker's lack of concern, you're bound to break down and it happens one day when you're working on your laptop in the living room.

Joker sneaks up behind you and steals your new (seventh pair) of glasses right off your face. You react accordingly but with the loss of your visual aid, the room is blurry and you can't focus.

"Joker give me back my glasses! I can't see without them!"

You hear his signature laugh a little to your left and turn that way. You can barely see his figure holding your glasses up to his face. He whistles low.

"Geez, Bunny! I knew ya couldn't, ah see, but this? This is pathetic!" His words sting and make you falter reaching his side.

The one person you need the most to be supportive, and on your side during such a life changing event, is your bully. Why can't Joker be more understanding? You don't know you're crying until Joker is standing before you. He's close enough for you to see him clearly.

And he doesn't look happy. "What's gotten into you?"

He doesn't even know?!! That just makes you cry even harder. Your tears are Joker's kryptonite and he groans to himself before yanking you into your arms.

"Bunny..... stop that.. You know I haTe it when you cry." He rocks the two of you back and forth but you aren't moved by his weak attempt at an apology.

"Then why are you being so mean to me?! You keep breaking my glasses, I can't see without them, I'm... I'm so tired and—"

Joker shuts you up with a kiss and your body betrays you by kissing him back. He pulled away so he could see your e/c sparkling up at him.

“You've been soooo stressed lately. I thoughT my jokes would help ease your mind! I just wanted you to smile."

"You made fun of me and called me a nerd!" You pout.

He sighed and placed your glasses where they belong. The way he was looking at you made you adopt a slight flush to your cheeks.

"I didn't mean to be mean, Princess. These make ya look hot, very hoT. Like the sexy author I know ya are."

You looked away, mumbling. "You... you think I look hot?"

Joker laughed and spun you around in his arms. He then attacked your face with sloppy kisses while his eager hands roamed your body.

"Think? Oh I know my goddess is stunning with or without glasses. You. Are. Beaut-Tee-full and the day I say otherwise, be a dear and uh.. stab me with a knife."

He smirked hearing your joyful laughter ringing out. Oh how he missed it.

[imustbenuts]

nuts reading trigun in japanese 7 - filial piety, and meryl

my alternate readings/translation/interpretation of jp lines are for triangulation purposes and nothing else.

ch 10-12. a more general scattershot of a post than over analyzing the japanese texts this time round. i think meryl in these 3 chapters is the most interesting character for me. but mainly bc she seems to be carrying a baggage: her struggle with filial piety.

^OH's version

ソレが普通ですわよ That'd be the most common sense thing to do. それにもともと家訓からして『自立せよ』ですからね But our house's motto is to first be independent above all. ドライといえばドライなのかも Mine would just be dry beyond dry...

me: hm. an office lady in the context of being written in 1990s by a japanese guy. i understand.

(i actually prefer OH's version bc the implications of what shes saying is the exact same, but more importantly leads into this page)

いきついて見れば When I realized all that 何か大切なものを忘れてるのかも… Realized that perhaps I've forgotten something (filial piety) so important... 私… I...

(you can see how this raw translation fucking sucks. I'd reword it in a way that's along the lines of 'feeling so ashamed as to forget getting angry', but OH's version is a downright banger. 11/10 the implications of what she feels is still the exact same. love it a lot!)

right so.

filial piety.

filial piety for a lot of asians is... kind of hard to break down. but perhaps can be explained as "abandoning ones' parents is the worst sin one can do".

not being filial is an invitation to the most extreme judgement from relatives and outsiders in a society which upholds it as the absolute virtue. at least, for the most part. (late stage capitalism fucked it all up yayy)

abandonment can be in the form of presence and/or financial. if a child doesnt make bank to pay back for their parents raising them up, they're not filial. if a child is absent and not there to take care of their parent, thats not filial.

and not being grateful, not being filial, equals shame and warrants divine punishment. (check out folklores like momotaro and kaguyahime that touches on these themes)

meryl i think struggles with that bc shes likely an only child who is expected to work an office job after studying super hard for it, and is now living independently away from her parents. meaning, she is technically not present to take care of them, which in this context makes her feel immensely guilty.

to make matters worse, it sounds like shes one of those types where her parents possibly had to work a lot to pay for this and that, resulting in a severe lack of communication. so this compounds, and she can only write dry stuff in her mind.

milly, by the way, does not have this problem as much:

she has a lot of siblings who can shoulder the weight of it all together, so in terms of that filial piety stress shes not doing so bad.

Badwick, the focus of this arc, by the way, faces the same struggles with meryl:

i mentioned the financial part bc from how chill the parents are with him, i think its possible he was trying to sell the land for large sums of money for his parents to retire. theres an added level of resentment going on that complicates their dynamic, with a dead brother and a land that means too much to sell for any sum of money.

and also his parents are... too nice and understanding, jeez.

i dont think meryl has the resentment. i think her case was similar in that her parents worked hard to provide and kinda neglected her in the connection part.

ofc this might then bring up the question of, 'isnt filial piety kinda transactional?', and, yeah. it... frankly can be. some parents have weaponized it, knowing that a society which forces unconditional love and financial support from a child is a good retirement plan. and it sucks. nightow must have realized this and sidestepped it.

whether bc it will not be well received by the then jp audience or if he just doesnt want to tell a story about this, i dont know. there could also be the fact that the 90s was a bad time to be talking about securing retirement for parents when the economy was circling the drain.

trigun gets dark later. we are getting love and peace above all else, at least for now.

...hm something seems to be rising over the horizon. but we can deal with that later. domestic violence

also i think vash is the kind who would also be a filial son to rem. this aspect of him is just lurking silently in the background in hindsight. in a barrel.

(incidentally i think this is also why luida and brad got promoted to surrogate parents position in stampede. much to ponder ponder...)

[secret-bug-pain-blog]

The fun part about stress is that when you're under a particularly large amount of stress from a single source, it's really hard to actually buckle under that One Thing. Even if it's a really, really big thing, that is threatening to ruin your entire life in one fell swoop, it's hard to fully get yourself to wrap your head around it. Big Things, in our experience, almost always take a good chunk of time to chew on and fully digest. You don't give way under the weight, you simply have to chew on it. Work through it. Maybe not directly work on it, but you don't really shatter from it. It just sort of hangs over your head, like a single massive weight.

The thing about these sorts of weights, of course, is that this adds to the stress from other things. You don't break down about the Big Things directly. When it happens, it won't be the Big Weight of, say, that cloying medical problem. It'll be the little things. That big weight is too big to really wrap your head around, too heavy to comprehend in one piece - so what gets you is, instead, the little things. The stuff that reminds you of it, in a way that's ever so more tangible.

Because you don't just think about, say, your future potential inability to financially support yourself. You go on with your life. You keep acting as normal. You work as you are, for as long as you can. And then that straw comes along.

You go out to a club with your friends. You think of buying drinks together. All of a sudden, you remember your bank account. Every penny spent on gin feels like a risk, a waste. You're irresponsible. You're wasting your savings away. How long can you sustain this? Everything you buy, and everything your friends buy, feels like abrasions on an invisible plane. Thinking about it makes you feel sick, and the more you stay, the worse you feel.

It's not spending two dollars on a beer, realistically, that's causing you the stress. It's the looming spectre behind it. The problem, showing itself in symptoms, so much more easily grasped. Your phone slips from your hands, and you think of the nerve problems that will only compound, and all of a sudden the mere idea of picking it up and dropping it again makes you feel sick. Your friend texts you something just north of warm, and all of a sudden you're spiralling worrying if your continuing problems have finally alienated them.

It's easier to grasp the smaller things, you see. It's easier to have one little thing happen and realize that you'll have to grapple with that for the rest of your life than it is to go through the symptoms list, because it's simple and immediate. Thinking of your future is too big to wrap your head around, but thinking of having to rely on someone to hold your hand just to walk you to the bathroom, over and over for the rest of your life - that thought scares you, more than any thought of the underlying cause ever would. It's not she's dead, it's how will i water the roses without her? or what will i do on tuesday now that she's gone? or how do i ever care for her pets?

Small is easy to grasp. Easy to think about. Easy to worry about. Easy to have happen, and have the horrible, bleeding spectre of its underlying cause crash into you, and leave you shaking and struggling to pull yourself together on the floor. A forced windows update might not scare you, but the looming fear of forced obsolescence will, the horror of not even being able to choose to opt out on a should-be-optional update.

Which is to say: it's not being forcibly turned into a werebeast that really gets you. Not the blades at your heels, or the blood on the floor, or the immediate knot of emotions when you realize your teammate's just seen you behead someone without even meaning to do it. It's not the injury, or the inability to walk, or the burning like boiling oil trickling down your muscles hours afterwards. What really gets you, once everything's over and done with, is sitting down and realizing that your only pair of shoes has been slashed to ribbons because of your own cursed body's spur blades.

Because it might not be the boots, on their own, causing the problem. But that, in and of itself, makes it worse. Because even if it's not the core of the problem, it's still the part that you'll fixate on, because it's faster, because it's simpler, because it's so much easier to grasp than wrapping your head around all that's been done to you, and crying over something as horribly, horribly trivial as boots makes you sound - well, it makes you sound like an immature fool, doesn't it?

A cruelty, perhaps, that the emotional state at which you'll cry over boots isn't one where you can put the source of the problem together. But really, knowing that it's the werebeast thing doesn't make you feel any less stupid. Because now you're the kind of person who cries over boots, and stupid, material possessions, when you have so many more problems, when a slip of your sleeve could get you arrested. And that, more than anything, makes you feel a tiny bit more helpless than before.

They were good boots, too.

[thetardigrape]

Ed and Izzy are Backward

I've been thinking a lot about why S2 of OFMD isn't satisfying, and I think a major part of it is Ed and Izzy's arcs. In short, they're the reverse of what should have been.

Meta with spoilers under the cut.

Ed's deep fear is that he is unlovable. That he is a monster incapable of being loved. This isn't something we only learn in S2, it's set up halfway through S1 in the bathtub scene and then continually reinforced.

Izzy's deep issue is that he thinks there is only one way to succeed as a man/pirate: be scary. Be the scariest, meanest guy around. His issue is compounded by the big problem of him not being that.

Ed's abuse of the crew is a trauma response. It arises from his fear of being unlovable getting kicked into high gear by Stede leaving and then tipping right over into A Real Fucking Problem when Izzy threatens him.

Izzy's abuse of the crew is a character flaw. He sees himself as better than them, and treats the badly because he views that as the only Right Way to Be A Pirate/Man.

Yet Izzy is given unconditional love and acceptance by the crew without ever apologizing for his behavior, while Ed is made to degrade himself for their forgiveness. Ed is cast into the role of Problematic Community Member Who Doesn't Actually Apologize, even though it's not set up that he's treating his crew like shit because he thinks that's how the world works. Again, that person is Izzy.

And then Izzy on his deathbed tells Ed he has a family and the crew love him, even though we've seen absolutely no evidence of that all season. The crew exiled him, and seem to have let him back only conditionally and at Stede's behest. That's not love, that's grudging acceptance.

Imagine, instead, a season in which the crew recognize that something is really wrong with Ed, and reach out to him despite him treating them badly. Imagine him learning that he's lovable, not just by one person who broke his heart, but by an entire crew who care about him at his worst moments. Imagine Ed receiving the grace extended to Izzy, and being healed by it without needing everything good in his life to come from Stede.

Imagine Izzy realizing that the way he viewed the world isn't actually how it works. Imagine Kraken Ed actually being worse at piracy because he's too depressed to think or plan or care when things go wrong. Imagine Izzy's moment of clarity coming not because Ed was too scary but because Izzy learned that being a miserable angry cunt actually makes it difficult to be successful at anything. Imagine Izzy apologizing to Ed for treating him badly without having to die about it. Imagine that being a factor in Ed's healing, understanding that Izzy loves him even if he does it in a fucked up, broken way, and loving him back. Imagine Izzy realizing that Ed's softness is important to his success the same way Auntie realizes it about ZYS, and in so doing understanding why Ed needs Stede.

One character needed acceptance and compassion and the knowledge that he was loved, and one character needed to learn that other people's feelings matter and that forgiveness isn't given until you show you've changed. The show just fumbled which was which.