#making myself something isn't even hard it's all microwave stuff but STILL

[cowardlycowboys]

me when I have to make dinner instead of buying something

[greatcheshire]

i think you've alluded a few times to the weird food situation you had in your upbringing, so i was wondering if you ever talked at length about that? if not, would you be comfortable saying like, what the heck was up with it? if not thats totally fine, i know it's probably a tough subject, but i will admit i am intrigued.

I believe I've talked about it before, but probably through scattered posts and what not, so I don't mind explaining it! If anything just so I have something to link to when people ask lol

CW: abuse I guess? Idk if this counts for abuse or not but just for safety's sake

Basically I wasn't really exposed to a lot of food as a young child. Like I was a picky eater at a young age, which isn't that unique, but my mom wouldn't pressure me to step out of my comfort zone at all and try anything else (vegetables, bread, most food) and instead resort to whatever I already liked. By the time I was five, this had evolved into my mom rarely, if ever, cooking anything for me and my sister, with her often just getting me fast food nuggets or me having to cook whatever a five year old could easily make and would want to make (aka a lot of microwave pizzas, dinosaur nuggets, hot dogs, and mozzarella sticks. She would give me Twinkies for breakfast, though, as they were "a source of bread so they're healthy"). As a result of this, even if I did want to try new foods, I was often unable to, as they weren't in the house or not something I could easily prep or understand myself.

This evolved once again around the time I was in middle school when my mom had me placed on a very restrictive diet in order to present a legal case for the court regarding my custody, treatment, and physical and mental health. She worked with my doctor at the time to put me on a diet where the only restriction was I couldn't eat anything over 7% saturated fat, which quickly showed to be a flawed system, as it meant I could eat as many cookies as I wanted but wasn't allowed a single yogurt cup. As part of this diet, my mom basically refused to buy any food for me that wasn't cinnamon rolls or Ritz crackers dipped in ranch dressing. So for a few years, so long as I was at my mom's, I was eating either cinnamon rolls or Ritz with ranch for three meals a day, minus the days I could sneak out and secretly use money to buy myself lunch somewhere. I remember one time she had me take a glucose test (where you have to fast and then get your blood drawn every hour for, like, 8 hours) and refused to get me anything real to eat afterwards so I chugged a few Vitamin Waters and ate Ritz crackers with ranch dressing in the hopes that it would help the woozy feeling that comes with having so much blood drawn after fasting.

When I was 14 my mom died and I was now living with my dad full time and at this point my palate began to expand, mainly due to my stepmom encouraging/pressuring me to try things that weren't just chicken tenders, cheese sticks, hot dogs, or pizza. However, I wasn't fully out of the clear yet, as my dad is also a picky, meat and potatoes kinda guy. So while I was trying more and more foods, it was a lot of stuff like pork chops or ribs or brisket or steak. Still good things to try! But not a lot of variety, especially for a family that doesn't eat non-American foods except for Taco Bell and doesn't keep fruits or vegetables in the house. Furthermore, I also had the point where despite being a teenager, being kept away from so much food for so long made me sort of averse to even breaking that barrier. Why try bread at this point when I'm 15 and know that I don't like it? What if I have it and it's gross? What if I finally do try lettuce and it makes me sick? Even when I did try things, a lot of it tasted so differently from what my tastebuds were used to that it was hard to learn to actually like it. This is something I still struggle with, to be honest: how to determine if I actually don't like the taste of something or if's just a new taste I've never experienced before.

It would kinda stay stagnant like this until I was 19, just finishing up my first year in college and about to go into my second. And as we all know, college is the time for discovery and experimentation, which in this case meant trying bread. I don't know why I started branching out into more foods then. I think I had just gotten so tired of eating the same thing every day, especially now that I was on my own in a dorm, that I wanted to at least try some new things, especially if I had a dining hall I could just grab things from. I still didn't explore THAT much, if I'm being honest with myself, but from that point on, at least I started to eat bread and burgers and sandwiches and wasn't totally adverse to the idea anymore.

My food exploration kinda slowed down in my later years in college, mainly because I didn't have the dining hall plan anymore and was low on cash and, well, when you have so little money, you're going to stick with safe food choices because if you spend $10 on a new dish and you hate it, well, guess you're out of dinner money now. But thankfully this year, through friends and travel and my own volition, I've started trying more and more things, trying to adapt to a "I'll try whatever" mentality (unless it has nuts in it because wow I hate nuts so much). It took a while, and I'm still learning and dealing with things, but I've come to realize that I don't need to fear food anymore, and now that I have my own place with my own income, I can purchase and try whatever I want to and don't have to worry about any outside pressure one way or the other. It's been a struggle. But it's getting better.

I hope that clears things up! I'm sure there's probably still questions and maybe this doesn't make sense at all but I hope fills in some gaps, at the very least.

[clatterbane]

About to try some of my own inaugural batch of homemade vanilla ice cream, made the lazy way using some of that commercial pouring custard!

Seemed like a good time now that it's firmed up well in the freezer, and my blood sugar has gone back down from a late supper.

Made using the ice cream freezer attachment that Mr. C also decided to pick up to go with the stand mixer. We hadn't actually tried it out yet (though I had vaguely been thinking about it), until he got a brainstorm the other day and picked up some ingredients including a couple of cartons of the vaniljsås, washed the ice cream maker, and stuck the base into the freezer.

He made a smaller low effort test batch last night, using just a carton of the custard and an eyeballed splash of cream. It tasted good, if a little light on the sweetness. But, the texture left something to be desired--especially after it froze up completely in the freezer afterward. Definitely good for a first attempt.

That still went fast enough that I decided to get the (still very cold!) thing washed and back into the freezer last night, to be ready to play around with it myself this evening.

So, I also went for a tweaked version of the same basic approach. Being the person I am, I worked with a couple.of ice cream recipe calculators on the web to get a better idea of ingredient proportions to aim for and why--and then just winged it with some packaged custard thrown in.

The base recipe I settled on:

150ml whole milk, warmed in the microwave at around lunchtime with 100g of extra sugar dissolved into it (then covered and stuck in the fridge to chill)

200ml custard (hey, may as well count that as milk plus some bonus stabilizers!)

Heavy cream to top the measuring cup up to a UK pint/close enough to 600ml total

Around 1/3 tsp. extra vanilla extract

Small pinch of salt

Still pretty simple, but that thinned it out some and brought the milkfat/sugar roughly into recommended ranges for mouthfeel and freezing qualities. Still a tad light on the sugar, but the finished ice cream tasted plenty sweet to me. It did also freeze a little hard, so I may need to play around some more.

It looked like a good quantity of ice cream mix for that size of freezer bowl, which does seem to turn out a decent two-person batch.

Some in the disconcerting interior color bowl, with some store brand sauce at the ready! That type is basically like runnier Nutella, and not surprisingly worked really well on the vanilla. Without palm oil, before self-righteous randos crawl up into my notes.

This did also freeze up a little hard and slightly crystally, which may have been partly because it could have used a few more minutes in the ice cream maker before I put it into that potato salad tub and froze if the rest of the way. I think it really was a little too soft, but patience really isn't my strong suit.

Mr. C ate a pretty big bowl before he went to bed, while it was still at the soft serve stage (after at least 45 minutes in our really cold freezer), and seemed to enjoy it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Next time up, I am tempted to go more complicated and try for a fairly simple blueberry cheesecake flavor, using some cream cheese and frozen berries.

I also want to try to make some serviceable good old American style sherbet, since you just can't find it elsewhere. Haven't eaten any for at least 15 years now. (The straight orange ice cream you can get here is pretty damned good, though. And I bet it would make at least as good a float with ginger ale or 7-Up.) I do suspect the whole texture thing may be trickier, without industrial ingredients and equipment.

Chocolate is another to-do, but at least it is way easier to find good plain chocolate ice cream without chunks of gluteny brownies and shit in stores here than it was in the UK.

In the somewhat near future, I also want to play around with some other sweeteners including erythritol to make something lower carb, but sticking to easier mode with all sugary stuff until I get more experience working with that. With all the milkfat and some protein to help buffer the carbs, ice cream is relatively easy on my blood sugar anyway. Seems to be a pretty common thing, at least for T1s. I may have actually overshot the insulin for that bowl, so it may be another little snack soon.

But, good investment--even if it did take us a while to finally start using it!

[kingofpolynya]

Burnout or love?

Tumblr looks different now, but I'm still the same. Still working in academia, doing phytoplankton stuff, but not in Japan. I move back to the UK in December 2021 after getting offered a postdoc in Liverpool. Hopefully in January, I'll start my permanent job at the National Oceanography Centre - as a marine biogeochemical model developer. Funny how 11 years ago, I had my first interview to be an Oceanography student. Now I'm going to work there. Time flies..

Life in Japan was quite miserable. I cheated on my (now ex) boyfriend with a colleague. It was a short affair too, but he ended our relationship. I tried making new friends, but I feel sort of worthless that girls in Japan are all very skinny and very prim and proper. I stopped eating breakfast, which spiralled into not eating anything. I ran 5k every evening, and swam 3k 3x a week. I have never felt this pretty before, but everyone said I looked like a holocaust survivor. I still love my job, but I hated everyone (apart from my boss) there. So I need a way out, and I ended up applying for a postdoc with this famous professor, and thanks to divine intervention I got the post. My mother said I am allowed to move back to the UK if I got to normal BMI, so I tried. I even got myself a psychiatrist and a cocktail of mind altering drugs. I just cant stand being surrounded by skinny Japanese girl, so I tried my best. Eventually, I got back to normal bmi after 5 months, and I also got my (ex) boyfriend back, but not for long.

The first year in Liverpool was fun, I get to do 3D and very complex model with many state variables, and different nutrients and plankton component. People were impressed with what I have done, until I joined a cruise from the Falkland Islands back to Southampton in February 2022. It was a 6 week cruise. My (then) boyfriend wasnt keen on me joining the cruise but I enjoyed it a lot. I love the routine, and seeing different plankton swimming about, talking to different scientists, and do yoga almost every day. I have never felt like a scientist before. Almost every day I strive to do my best.

However, after the cruise, I feel like something snapped, and I cannot do science anymore. I feel like it's hard to go back to the normal routine of looking at model output and wondering what might be going on in 2100, under RCP8.5 scenario. My brain fried so hard I think I failed every task. My boss even snapped at me for not being able to ask the 'big picture question'. Perhaps I'm a bad scientist from the beginning and its just somehow lots of people have been carrying me around. I feel like everything is blank and bleak. Maybe I should quit science?

I started getting my 'consciousness' back a few months ago, and only started to grasp what is happening after repeatedly being told off by my boss (what a man with infinite patience). I am starting to grasp what I can do and slowly crawling back into the depths of hell. However, since I know my boss is not keen on me as a postdoc, I decided that I have to leave. So I apply for a different job, a permanent one, and a job where I, hopefully, does not need to ask big picture question. I like getting stuck in and do the coding, and plot my results so I can brainstorm with others to see what is wrong with plankton? Why are things happening like this? I suppose I will never be at my boss' calibre.

Now everyday feels like I'm just trying to survive. I'm starting to hate going to the office and make small talk. I used to enjoy swimming, now it feels like a chore. Eating or cooking isn't enjoyable anymore. Cakes taste stale. I am living on microwaved rice and instant noodles. I dont want to be too skinny again, because I have never swam this fast. The pills that kept me sane dont seem to do their job anymore. All I want is just lay in bed and not doing anything, and cry.

I initially thought that I am starting to lose my sanity because I met someone on the cruise, and fell in love. I split up with my (ex) boyfriend just before I stepped on to dry land, to be with this guy. It worked and fortunately he loves me to. He moved in not long after we finished the cruise. I have never been with someone I love, and maybe this whole 'my brain is broken' thing is because my brain chemistry is not in balance. But I dont know, with him around life do get a bit easier, but all i want to do is just joking around with him and go for long walks on the beach. I cant be bothered doing science anymore, or even just living in general. Have I been showing symptoms of burnout?

I hope my new relationship will last forever. I do hope that he can see me shine, and stays in love with me. I hope my new job will bring me a some happiness, and can make me shine brighter than before.

[mydaymythoughtsandme]

I hope this time apart will do us some good

He's going on a trip for a few weeks and I think it will be good. I'm excited for him and am glad he's getting to go on a cool adventure. I'm honestly hoping to get to do solo travels of my own one day soon. But I also feel like this will give me time to analyze everything between us without too much pressure because he won't be here. Is this something I want to stay in? Maybe he just needs a break. Or maybe I do? I'm usually pretty independent and like my me-time myself but maybe I've just been in his space too much. I just wish he'd speak up if that's the case.

I just feel like things haven't been great lately. I can't quite explain it but I can? Like the lack of communication is just growing. And it's not like a oh I can't tell him how I feel, lack of communication, because I can and he is usually really receptive to what I have to say (there are some subjects I'm just not comfortable approaching with him due to my own anxieties) but more so just an extreme lack of talking period lack of communication. I'm fine with a comfortable silence relatively often. I don't care if he wants to play videogames while I'm doing something else in the same room. It's ok more often than not, it's just really not okay when it's not okay. Sometimes I just want there to be more time about us. The last few times we've actually done anything we just went to his friends houses. We haven't had a real date in so long. Now most of that isn't on him he very much so has a set schedule and my off days have gotten weird add in a few medical problems and there isn't much overlapping free time. But maybe a movie after work on a night we both get off at the same time. Some cuddles and pillow talk. Not every night but just SOME nights. He honestly used to initiate stuff like that all on his own, but now he says no when I try to suggest it. I just want to see more initiative on his part for things to happen between us for us to do stuff. I don't want to go out to a fancy dinner every week or anything, but if we're making plans to have a date night and we do go out and do something I'd like to get dinner together or even make plans to cook something to enjoy together, not just go back to his house for microwave meals.

I guess it's the.end of the honeymoon phase? Like that initial spark is gone, the desire is dwindling. Like we haven't even gone through a full box of condoms yet. And I understand his sentiment of not wanting our relationship to be built around sex (we both had hypersexual partners in our previous relationships and neither of us are super sexual) but I feel like we have been together long enough that it can happen more often without it being an over sexual relationship. I also know I'm not super great in bed but goddamn does it make me feel bad in so many ways.

Like the way I struggle with my weight for one, when I had someone fat shaming me a few weeks ago he came to my defense and told me to cut that person off, but he never said anything about ME. Nothing to reassure me. No you're not fat (which I know I am overweight but I have worked hard to lose the weight I have and not gain it back) I don't think he's ever once told me I'm beautiful. He tells me I'm cute all the time, sometimes pretty, a few times sexy, but never once has he said he thinks I'm beautiful. Makes me feel like I'm not thin enough or sexy enough and definitely not beautiful enough for him to desire sex with me regularly. And while I do prefer this to being way over sexualized by a possessive partner, it still sucks and makes me feel bad. Is it too much to ask for that happy medium. So I'm not sexy or beautiful enough my weight is clearly a problem. I feel like maybe he looks down on me for not being super out together and that's part of it? But he's always so greatful that I don't wear makeup.but I would actually love to start taking care of myself more for me and to maybe make him feel more in this. And again I know I'm not super skilled in the bedroom (my first sexual partner was terrible in bed and I thought I didn't like sex at all. Then I had a small summer fling where all we did was hookup, that guy straight up told me I was terrible in bed but he was just looking to get laid so he was more than happy to do all the work {and he was fantastic so I didn't really care} and when that ended I met my current partner. We took it slow which I was fine with and he was MUCH better than my ex and I really enjoy him in so many other ways it was perfect for me. He hasn't necessarily told me I'm not great but from the conversations we've had I know that's how he feels. Which is fine. But again how am I supposed to get better at it if we NEVER do it. He also doesn't really guide me on anything so I don't really know what he wants or what he likes except that he just doesn't like me.

But the sex issues mixed with the complacency of doing nothing at all in our relationship has started to boil over for me. I feel uncared for on as many levels as I feel cared for. I love the time I get to spend in his company and I think he doesn't really care all that much if I'm here or not. I used to get good morning and goodnight texts as well as the I miss yous and now I don't get any of it. We can go days without talking if I don't say anything first, he always says it's because he feels like he doesn't have anything to say. Like bitch I'd be happy with a hey baby I've been thinking about you. But nope I ain't ever gonna get that. And again I don't mind him being on the game or talking with his online friends but I feel like he's been doing it more often lately and anything to do with me gets pushed by the wayside. Like maybe he'd cut himself back on all of that at the beginning of our relationship to make time for me and he either doesn't care about me anymore or got complacent (I think it's a mix of both on some levels) and just went back to his old ways and it's just not what I'm used to.

I feel like I'm not asking for too much but maybe I am. And if I am I wish he'd just tell me so we both could move on. Besides these things the relationship is great and the longer it goes on if there's not going to be anything to it, the more it's going to hurt when it ends. And of course we have a big trip of our own coming up soon. But I decided if we go through that whole trip (or honestly just make it to it) and he still can't tell me he loves me then when we get back I'm done. I think the love I have for him is only going to hurt myself at this point. But also I need that trip for myself to get away from all the other issues in my life and I've already put a lot of money into it, so I'm taking that trip goddamn it. And I do feel like we could have a good time. I'm just afraid it's not going to be good enough to let things stay the way they have been.

For now I'm just sitting here while he continues to play his games pretending I'm doing something important but I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts and not cry

[barachiki]

Hi Tumblrinos!

I made a gif this afternoon to relax so I thought I'd drop in to write something.

I haven't updated in a bit, but lots has been going on. It is all whiny first world problems, so feel free to ignore me.

I moved recently, which was exciting, terrifying, stressful and everything. It was not a great experience on my anxiety, since we had hired movers, and one of them was just hell-bent on dropping my fragile items, to the point where one of my teapots did get smashed (luckily not one of the antique ones).. Anyways, the rest of the movers did an amazing job, so we still gave them an awesome tip, but instead of leaving a bad review, I called the company to let them know that one of their staff members had let them down. He appreciated my approach for sure and everything there was all smoothed over.

Now we get into the house part. The previous owners apparently didn't realize that they had to leave the place in the same condition it was from when we viewed it, and they took down the shelves that we had liked (previously bolted to the walls). It wouldn't be such a big deal, but they didn't repair the walls from the removal of the shelves. Just left terribly half-assed patch marks that weren't sanded or painted to match the walls. The walls are a medium charcoal colour in some places. The patches are white. We tried to contact them through their realtor, but the realtor is ignoring the problem, so now we are contacting our lawyer. I really hate being this bitchy, but it will be a lot of work to fix these walls and we can't start fixing them ourselves until we resolve it.

I really want to love our house, but it is just so much still to be fixed until we are officially moved in and comfortable. The stove is actually broken, so we are using a hotplate and microwave to cook our meals for the time being. The fridge is old and makes clunky noises all the time too, so we did think ahead and order some new appliances, but they were backordered and are delayed until October. Same with our furniture. We ordered a new sectional sofa for the living room in June, but it is delayed as well.

I just can't get settled. My wife loves it here, but everything is putting me on edge. I don't want to be like this. We should be counting every blessing we have in these terrible times, but I just am so insecure about living here.

It doesn't help that every moment I am not sleeping or cooking dinner on the hotplate I am working either at my day job or my contract work. I do now have my own office space for it now, but I'm always in my office. I have been doing maybe 15 hours of contract work weekly these days, which means around 3 hours extra a day or so after an 8 hour day. I'm getting burnt out. This long weekend alone I spent probably 15 hours on this big last minute project, which I didn't want to do. I wanted the weekend to myself and my wife to get to know our new neighbourhood, maybe do a bit more unpacking or organizing. I don't even know if we need the money. I guess it is necessary since we had to replace so much stuff here, but I have such a hard time saying no on these projects that I just do them anyways, even if I had other plans or didn't need the money at all.

Sorry for dumping. I just needed to get some of this out. I feel like I'm such a rotten person for complaining that my house isn't nice enough or I am getting more than enough money or whatever. I just have to remind myself that I deserve to be happy and I don't have to compare my life with someone else's in order to see if my misery is justified.

Anyways, I hope you all are well, happy and calm.

xoxo Barachiki.

[autisticlalna]

bell noises. ~@betweenlands

BELL NOISES! viking <3

first impression:

his skin is REALLY COOL and then i started watching his pov and literally right after his opening narration i was like "oh my god i love him". "socially awkward ghost who wants to make friends............." <- actual quote from me at the time. also i was revising the lalna chart at the time so i took one look at "blonde with goggles" and went "ah. You." impression now: MICROWAVING HIM. oh my god i have not been this obnoxious about a mcyt in a WHILE he's!! he's so!!!! oh my godddd . there is something wrong with him and i support it wholeheartedly. i genuinely started calling him my meow meow in dms with solar and that's when i realized i can never go back. i am so normal. also my enthusiastic liveblogging is apparently what sold solar on dominion so >:) favorite moment: REALLY HARD TO PICK AAA uhhhh the watermelon argument is really good for a comedy moment. and then him revealing to legundo that he has his iou is SUCH a scene, like that really locked him in as a fav for me. the absolute menace idea for a story: i have been sitting on a half-unfinished fic about viking's pov of the start of dominion. like, while he's in permanent phantom mode and no one can see or hear him. i don't think i'll finish it at this point because it just isn't Sticking and i'm having more fun with visual art rn but i rotate that entire period of time a lot. i REALLY want to do something with that unpopular opinion: are there even any???? like i think all of my viking opinions are shared by most people lmao. i guess i wish there was some art of other dominion members (on tumblr at least) bc a lot of it is Just Viking but also i am very responsible for that myself lmao favorite relationship: i have no idea what's going on with him and grady but like, grady offered him a job at the tavern when viking first became perceivable but also there's the whole thing with viking's criminal record where grady's usually the one grabbing him and going hey. what the hell yk. see: the watermelon convo. and also viking "confessing" about the diamonds. i mean i guess my favourite dynamic is viking and legundo but that's a given and i think grady's neat favorite headcanon: PLURAL VIKING but you've covered that uhhh hold on i have just pulled a headcanon out of my hat. viking used to try and have conversations with the other dominion guys before he was tangible and even after he figured out they couldn't hear him he still kept doing it. like jamie and nuke would be having a conversation and viking would be hanging out near them and joining in even though neither of them could hear him. he still does this even after becoming perceivable so people'll be talking about whatever and then suddenly viking will chime in and scare everybody. also just generally "viking is not used to people being able to see and hear him" so he walks into people's houses or talks to himself a lot or messes with stuff and IMMEDIATELY gets caught

your honour. vikingpilot. thanks

[hpdselfshipper]

Polya was lying in the bed scrolling her phone with bored face. She was awake long time ago maybe 1 hour or so. She didn't want to leave the bed at all. You know this morning thing when you're being extremely lazy. Batter knocked on the door two times. For some reason he always knocked only two times with the exact speed and volume. She thought it's interesting detail to remember.

— Good morning! You can come in.

Batter opened the door and sat on her bed. Despite being in close relationship they still slept on different beds. She hated sleeping with someone. It's too hot or too little space. Of course hugs and cuddles were nice but not for too long.

— How did you sleep? — she smiled but not really as wide as always. Batter noticed it instantly and asked:

— Is something wrong? You look different.

— Not really, just being lazy and doing nothing. There's nothing interesting on web right now so I'm searching for something exciting. Maybe after that I'll go do my morning stuff... Oh did you eat something? It's usually me who prepare food so I'll make something for you.

— No need. I already ate.

— Oh that's great! Now I can spend more time being unproductive. Hehe rebel against this world of hard working people!

Polya scratched her head. And then again.

— Ugh! I need to wash my hair. This is so hard to be living being. You constantly need to do some boring stuff and then do it again. Well not today! I don't need to go anywhere. Awesome!

And another scratch. At this point Batter was concerned. He needs to do something.

— I'll wash your hair.

— W-wait what? You don't have to it's too embarrassing. It's gonna look like I can't even look after myself. What kind of adult is like this. I can do this. Just later. It's not about my ability to wash I'm just not in the mood you know. There's no need to worry. Besides before I even can wash myself I need to eat and prepare food but before that I need to brush my teeth and before this I need to dress up to my clothes. It's too many steps. I'll just wait until I can't take it anymore or my head feel dizzy so I'll have to do all of this things. I often wait if I'm lazy so don't worry it's common. And it works so...

— No.

Batter quickly stood up and grabbed her home dress from the chair next to the table and threw it on bed.

— Aaah weeeell okay. But it's actually not so important so don't worry about it. — she changed her clothes. The dress didn't have any zips or buttons so it was nice to use. No need to constantly spend time on dressing up.

Batter grabbed her and went to the bathroom .

— I'm not a child I can walk by myself. You're being so dramatic, Batter. — she giggled a little. Despite his absolutely unemotional face acts said everything. He cared about her. He doesn't like seeing his pretty puppeteer abounding self care so easily like she's not important. She is important and he'll let her know it.

They reached the bathroom . He gave her her cute blue toothbrush with bunny pictures. And grabbed his own. White. His favorite.

— You can do this.

— Thanks... — embarrassed but bright smile showed on Polya's face. It was actually a lot easier to brush her teeth together with Batter. His presence was like magical spell and it gave her more energy to finish it. Then he grabbed her again and moved to the bedroom.

— Wait here.

—... Okay.

He went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. He isn't good with cooking but he's good with instructions. Batter opened the recipes notebook to find something doable. Pancakes. Her favorite breakfast. Instructions were really clear and even overdetailed. She made this notebook for herself so she won't forget her favorite meals. Batter knew about this. After all she told him about this few times.

Grab the ingredients. Microwave milk for 30 seconds. Mix everything in the bowl. Add 10 spoons of the flour. He measured everything perfectly. Now time to cook it. There was little smiley drawing on the page with little note "pan is not loud Really cool!! "

He burned some pancakes. Why. He did everything correctly. Anyway he brought the plate to the bedroom.

— Here. Now you can eat.

Polya was about to cry.

— Thank you! Thank you so much! Oh! You made it awesomely. So delicious. I wanna kiss you in both cheek! Wait not now, I'm eating. It would be gross to make your face oily. After I finish I'll do it! Also I think we should organize some stuff in the closet. I saw some marionettes I totally forgot about so I wonder if I find anything cool again. Also about marionettes I saw some cool tutorial about hand mechanism so I gonna finish my last puppet. I forgot about that cute little girl. I didn't make her legs and hands. This is amazing chance to apply my new knowledge. And about knowledge I found awesome remix of librarian's theme from my favorite game so I wanna show you and...

— After I wash your hair.

— Aaah too embarrassing! Well promise me not laughing at me for this!

— I promise.

[free-boundsoul]

I really do, Freelancer. Thanks. I’ll try to make sure I’m someone worth dragging out every now and again.

He. What? He baked a cake from scratch with you? So you’re telling me that bullshit act with the mee-croe-wah-vay was just to screw with me? What kind of cake was it? Was it any good? Oh, well played, Gavin. Well played. What a shit move. Well, he thinks he can just get away with that and drive me nuts for the fun of it? He’s got another thing coming. But, now I have the advantage. He doesn’t know that I know he knows more about human stuff than he claims. I gotta think of some way to get him back using that knowledge. Some way… Hmm… Well, don’t just sit there, Freelancer! Think with me! How can we fuck with Gavin?

Just use the name sparingly, okay? I don’t want to start thinking of myself as “Damie.”

That sounds like a major sugar overload, but I gotta admit, it sounds delicious. How about those peanut butter chips? Think we could maybe use those, too?

She did? Which one? I’m glad you did that if she warned you about him. My mom wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if it weren’t a big deal. I understand your impulse to prove him wrong, Freelancer. I really do, but you can’t jeopardize your GPA only to break your back over a class and STILL not be evaluated fairly. What did Lasko say? He's going to do something, isn't he? Yeah, it’s sort of awful how these professors do it. It’s not as if they openly refuse to help shifters or send them away. The profs just sort of never extend themselves, always happen to have an excuse if the shifter student wants extra help, happens to not call on them during class when they have a question or, even worse, answers their question but in a very confusing way. It looks like laziness or bad teaching or just shitty circumstances, but mark my words, it’s intentional. The problem is it’s really hard to report stuff like that, not to mention that the students often internalize the struggles. They blame themselves for not getting the material as quickly as other students and fall through the cracks. I think you’re right that younger generations do typically do a better job, but if my mom is warning you about him, he’s probably older and tenured, stuck in his ways and doesn’t care at this point to change them.

Alright, well, we definitely can. We’re here! Let’s go on in and get a table.

-Damien

I hope you know that's not going to be too hard. You just have to be yourself.

In all fairness, I don't think he used the microwave. It was a marbled chiffon cake, it was really delicious. Oh, maybe I shouldn't have said anything...Hmmm...ways to get back at Gavin? I have a feeling anything we come up will backfire.

Does that mean you think of yourself as Damien in your head? Not like 'I' or 'me' but 'Damien'?

Oh! I forgot about those! We could make like a peanut butter cup!

It was Professor Piller, you don't have him do you? Lasko is going to move me to a different class. He apologized a million times too, but you know how he is. That...that's so terrible, and they get away with it? I've never had a teacher do that, but... I'd blame myself for not understanding the material and bothering the teachers. The whole point of being a teacher is to pass on knowledge. To help guide the newer generation. To purposefully neglect your students in such a way that they feel like its their fault... its despicable.

Oh, right! Do you like tables or booths more?

[rahleeyah]

I'm feeling very frustrated with myself because no matter how much I want to write, I never seem to find a rythym. But then I remembered you saying something about writing your one shots all in one go and it taking you a long time to get back to that place and I thought it might be smth like that, yk? And the truth is for me to get anywhere close to 2 or 3 uninterrupted hours, I'd need a veritable miracle. Why do you figure some people need so much time to get into the proper headspace?

the simple answer friend is that life is loud. i have a quiet life. i live by myself, i'm home from work before 4:30 most days. the trade off is i go in early, but i'm an early bird by nature. i pay more in rent than i probably should so that i can have a short commute. i see my friends on the evenings, the weekends, but during the week mostly i get to decide what to do with every minute of my time. i don't even cook during the week; i cook on sundays so i literally come home, write a full chapter, and then microwave some leftovers. i have a lot more time than most people do and a lot less responsibilities. most people don't have three hours on a friday night and three hours on a saturday morning to sit very still without any sort of interruption and bang out a 10k fic. i am spiders georg; i am able to put out a lot of work bc my circumstances are very different from a lot of people's and so i should not be used as a baseline or an example of how people write fic.

do you know i counted it up, and between writing, making gifs, answering asks, replying to DMs, etc, i spend about 10-20 hours a week on fandom stuff? i got like a part time job for no pay doing this stuff. most people don't have that much extra time to spend. and that's okay.

most people aren't updating two fics twice a week and churning out one shots on the weekend. once a week updates are more common. sporadic updates are more common than that.

so i say all this to say: please don't beat yourself up for having a life and finding it hard to make time for fic.

now i understand that you want to make time for it, and that it's frustrating when you want to do something but it just isn't coming together. and maybe because you can't find enough time to finish the thing in one go, it feels like the thing is too big to get it done, and so it feels impossible to start?

this is where mama comes in. whenever we were overwhelmed, facing a task or a problem that seemed so insurmountable we wanted to give up before we even started, mama always said the same thing, and i'm gonna say it to you now.

you know how you eat an elephant? one bite at a time.

so. we don't look at the elephant. we just look at the next bite.

you don't have 2-3 hours. you only have a few minutes. so you're not gonna finish the chapter. but you can write a paragraph. you can't do 2,000 words, but maybe you can do 200. you can do a lot, with 200 words. maybe you can even do 500. and then you have to walk away, but you come back, you take the next bite, and you'll get there. a story is built a few words at a time. 200 words here and there adds up to something meaningful. it will have taken me almost exactly 6 months to finish hell of a view. and it will have been done in pieces, and your fic, whatever it is, will be built the same way.

take notes on your phone when you have ideas. if you know what you want the chapter to be but you don't have time to finish it, knock up a quick bullet point outline so you know what you need to write the next time you sit down. think about what you're going to write while you're in the car, in the shower. if you know what the scene looks like before you sit down, it will be easier to get some words on the page.

but most of all, keep at it.

[katsukikitten]

A/N DAY TWO!!! Please enjoy the dramatics requested by @alwayslost123

"I'm...I have..." Words are lost to you as you attempt to break the terrible news to your best friend. Scarlet eyes rest on you patiently while rage lies just beneath the surface. Ready to tear apart whomever is making your vision blur.

Your hear aches as realization washes over you, that you'll never be able to call him your own. You damn yourself for being too fucking scared to ever admit to him that you liked him.

Hell at this point loved him. He helped you all through UA and even now he helps you with your training although you had given up hero work.

Your mind tortures you with flashes of the two of you laughing, of him pinning you to the ground something different flashing in his eyes as he leans closer but suddenly changes his mind.

Maybe you were never meant to call him yours.

Tears fall from your cheeks in fat droplets as you try but fail to wipe them away.

"I...I'm sorry Bakugou. I..." Sturdy arms wrap around tightly as you sob into his chest. Breathing in that intoxicating caramel smell that normally soothes you but today it is bitter sweet.

Today could be the last time that you smell it. You push him away, swallowing down the lump in your throat and furiously wiping at your tears. You force your voice to come out even as you steel yourself for his reaction.

"I'm getting married to Todoroki in a few months." You watch him turn rigid as he let's the information sink in. He grits his teeth until it hurts as he stares at you. When he doesn't speak you go on, "It's been arranged."

"But you don't even love him!" He explodes, fingers popping even as they grip against the concrete of the roof top to the brownstone townhouse you bought.

"I...." You swallow again, "We are compatible for making strong grade quirks."

You let your hand catch aflame as crimson eyes watch blue and red fire lick at your fingers. Flame that has guided him through dark times, flame that had fed his fuel to want something more.

Something he will not allow himself to have.

He grits his teeth again, pearly whites threatening to break before he sucks his teeth.

"So you're going to do nothing?" Silence stretches between the two of you as the stars wink overhead, the moon yawning in the black sky.

"It will make Father happy." Bakugou sucks his teeth to your response before glares at you.

"Then don't come crying to me." He stands, jumping from the third story.

"Bakugou! Wait!" Your vision blurs once more as you watch his strong back walk into the night, his ash blonde head never looking back.

Days of silence pass between the two of you causing severe chest pains on your side. You half wonder if he ever really cared for you or if what you saw in his eyes was your own desperate attempt to feel something.

To feel loved.

Placing your phone screen down you sigh deeply. Watching your microwaved meal for one spin endlessly before your phone chimes. Excitement grips your heart as you reach for your phone. Praying to Kamisama for it to be a message from Katsuki. Instead your heart shatters in your chest when you read a message from your father.

*"You're moving in with Todoroki tomorrow. A crew will be by to pack your stuff up and transport it. Your house will be on the market shortly."*

You scream sending your phone through the drywall of your bedroom as it soars through another wall before cracking into glittering shards agaisnt the exposed brick in the living room.

Bluish red flame engulfs you and your bed, eating away at everything around you as nothing bring you joy anymore.

Your white bed spread quickly becomes blackened as it is swallowed whole and spit out in ash, flames moving into its next food source licking up the walls. Bubbling paint, distorting photos of your graduating class. Of a candid shot of you and Bakugou arm and arm laughing after training.

Before long the whole building is enveloped in the hot kiss of your quirk, as the bed frame finally buckles from your weight and succumbs to ash.

Even your clothes specially designed around your dangerous quirk begin to catch from the heat alone but still you do not move. Like an ember fueling the fire you sit still mourning over the fact that you cannot burn by your own flame.

Ice soars in large waves into your home or what's left of it as two toned eyes search endlessly. Sending more ice in attempt to cool the flame only to be melted and evaporated. More ice is plunged towards the fire until it is contained, flame frozen in time as an iceberg decorates where your couch once was. Frantic eyes find you shortly before emotion twists his handsome face.

It looks as if his heart is breaking in two. Funny you didn't think his heart was anything but frozen solid.

Still he approaches, sitting among the ash across from you as he brushes away some of your hair.

"I know this is hard....." He sighs out, words failing him as they always do, "But I will never force myself upon you. I will always be faithful to you and should you wish we could never have children. But please...."

He swallows down some more smoke before sending ice to surround you two. Beads of sweat collect on half of his body as the ice drips pure water onto your soot covered and deeply charred hardwoods.

"Lets get through this together." He offers you his hand then and in that moment as you watch his hair dampen sticking to his forehead you wonder.

Would it be so hard to love him?

Todoroki has always been kind to you, helpful and even now knows the right thing to say.

*"So you're going to do nothing?"*

Harsh words echo in your head again encouraging you to reach for what is now your future.

But what Bakugou doesn't understand is that there is no defying your father.

Days turn into weeks and living with Todoroki isn't so unpleasant. He cooks you meals, holds the door open for you. He helps you with your studies and even draws the bath for you first. He picked out a stunning ring that fits your personality of hellish fire. A diamond that blinded you when he opened the block box asking sheepishly if you would marry him.

As if you had a choice.

But he did try to make you feel as if it was.

Things could still go right between you too considering the wedding was now only two days away. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have children with him, he was attentive to your needs. He would surely be even more so for his offspring right?

His hero work would have him gone often but you did prefer your alone time. Like tonight you're curled up on the couch reading as the late morning yawns into early afternoon.

A harsh knock comes at your door as you sigh. Damning your father for telling the wedding coordinator where you two lived. She had been bothering you nonstop about nonsensical items, like the color of your silverware as if you cared that fucking much about this.

If you had it your way you would have just eloped!

Actually if you had it your way there would be no wedding at all. But you can never have it your way as long as that man lives.

"Priscilla please I don't care what color it is just pi..." You shout as you yank open the thick wooden door, you quickly notice a man dressed in black standing on your stoop "Bakugou?!"

"Run away with me." He says grabbing onto your wrist. Ready to yank you out of that house with only the clothes on your back. If you came with him he'd buy you whatever the fuck you wanted, "I've got a job lined up in America. The plane leaves tonight."

"Katsuki...The wedding is two days away! My father wants..." You start but he turns on you, vein popping in his head as his age old temper begins to show, fingers gripping onto your biceps tightly.

"I don't give a fuck what your father wants or what Todoroki wants!" He shouts, "What do you want?!"

When you don't answer his voice softens with his grip, palms sliding down to your elbows.

"What do *you* want?" He asks exasperated, your vision swims as it all sinks in.

Was he fucking serious? Running away with him after he hadn't spoken a word to you in almost three months.

After he stomped on your already broken heart, now he wanted to do something? Wanted to try to fix it?

Tears well in your eyes as you look between two burning scarlet orbs.

"Katsuki...I can't do this." You rip from his grip and slink back into your new house slamming the door on your happiness forever.

💍💍💍💍💍💍💍💍💎💎💎💎💎💍💍💍💍

Delicate hands place a veil into your hair, turning you into something you're not entirely ready for.

"You're a gorgeous bride." Your mother sighs as she places her hands onto your donned in white shoulders. You blink furiously to keep your eyes from over flowing.

"Your Father and I had an arranged marriage. Look how we turned out." She smiles at your reflection as you fight to keep from full on sobbing.

Yes look how the two of you turned out, hardly speaking to one another even as they raised you.

Despite all of that there was hope for you and Todoroki, eventually you could have been happy until an angry ash blonde showed up and for what?

Priscilla burts through the doors to the little bride suite.

"Show time!!!" She sings ushering yourself and your mother through the door.

Your palms become clammy as your heart accelerates, spying Todoroki through your veil. You walk to the beat of the music as you march down the aisle, past hundreds of people. Cameras flash capturing your long train and tight boddess. Somehow you make it to the altar only to realize that Shota looks more handsome up close, blushing slightly as you do. Stunned into silence by your beauty alone.

"We are gathered here today...." The officiant starts and you loose track as you stare into heterochromatic eyes.

"If anyone objects speak now or forever hold your piece." Silence falls over the room as the officiant waits.

As if anyone would ever dare to get in the way of your Father's plans.

Suddenly a boom rings out over head, screaming erupts as something fall from the ceiling.

Your heart stops in your chest as you watch the dust clear, leaving a silhouette of a popping hot man.

He points to the officiant, explosions the only sound echoing in the marbled hall.

"NO. I OBJECT WHATEVER THE FUCK I HAVE TO SAY. HE DOESN'T LOVE HER!" His explosions stop before he points to himself, " I DO! AND SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM!!"

A collective gasp falls over the guests as your cheeks burn, silently thankful that he was here.

That he came back.

His breath comes out in ragged and wrath filled as he shouts.

"SHE LOVES ME!"

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

02 - Growth

Chapters songs:

Peach Fuzz: Tyler The Creator

Nice Boys: TEMPOREX

Money: The Drums

— Y. L. Perspective

I walk into the lunchroom empty-handed and nervous. Like the idiotic person I am, I had forgotten my bento on the bus and surely couldn't depend on any of the students to possibly find it and give it back to me.

And so, I begin searching for my fellow third-year friends. It was hard due to the countless students looking for their friends to discuss a simple ten-day break, which I didn't get why it was such a big deal. But it wasn't like I could relate in any way, I had three measly friends who spent every hour of the day with me.

Suddenly, an underclassman boy decided to run across my path hastily, causing me to trip over his shoes, and fall onto the ground.

"What're you doing on the floor, Y/n?" A strong hand reaches to my face, waiting for approval to lift me. His blonde hair shuffles between his free hand.

"Thanks, Toruku," I say, pleased I found 1/3.

He pulled me up and assembled a smile onto his pale face. "No problem. Mind helping me find Giki and Hikishi?" He asks as I dust off my fingers. "The bell is bound to ring soon, so we'll be able to get lunch then. But not if we don't find them."

"Yeah, that's what I've been doing for the past five minutes," I say, with a slightly worried tone. I wasn't trying to spend my entire lunch looking for a place for us to sit. "How about we split up? I'll find us a table, and you find them?"

"No need. We're already here!" Says my black-haired friend, Giki, who stood next to Hikishi.

"Finally, now can we go eat? I wanna catch the lunch line before it gets full." Before another voice calls for me. I sharply turn around, ready for the confrontation.

"Yes?— oh!" My eyes widen at Suga, who plastered a worried expression onto his face.

"Sorry to interrupt you, it's just, you left your lunch on the bus. I came to return it to you." He explains, holding his hand out for me to take the item. It looked just as before; a little scraped and worn out, but still the same.

"..really? Wow, thank you." I take it back, looking back up at him. "It means a lot. I was about to die of hunger. Plus, I've had that since middle school."

"Y-Yeah! Of course. I couldn't just leave it there." Sugawara brushes his hands together, still mumbling something to me. But my eyes were focused on the box, feeling the warmth of his hands that still lingered. "But it's no problem!"

Then, I had remembered the entire reason I rushed out of the bus. Bearing another moment around him after sleeping on him would have killed me. "Listen, about this morning. I'm really sorry, I was really tired this morning. I never meant to invade your space or anything—"

"Oh, about that!" He suddenly interrupted, eager to go into the conversation. "There's no need to apologize for it. I'm actually kind of used to it, since I go on a lot of road trips with the volleyball team, we get pretty tired after games. Not that it relates or anything! But you seemed pretty embarrassed. I wish we could have talked more."

"I'm sorry, I really am. I was just in a rush, it's not something you should stress about." I explain to Sugawara, as he shifts from one foot to the other.

"Of course, if you'd like to talk more then... I guess we could. It has been quite a while, I'm still a bit curious to learn more about you." He replies, looking down in a bashful way. It surprised me such a social, popular, and beautiful guy like Sugawara would want to talk to me out of all people.

"...I don't mind. Although, it confuses me why you'd want to." I laugh, placing my hands into the pockets of my uniform.

"Why wouldn't I? We used to be good friends!" He smiles at me brightly, as he continues. "Besides that, I'm interested in what you do. Music, I mean—"

"Ahem!" Toruku interrupts with the clearing of his throat, leaning over my shoulders while side eying me. "If you don't mind, could we go eat now? We've all had a long day."

"Oh!" Suga is brought out of his concentration on our conversation. "Sorry! How inconsiderate of me to keep your friend stuck talking to me!"

My hand gently pushes away his face, and my eyes look back at Suga's. "If my buddies don't mind, we can teach you all about that." I turn to the three students that stood behind me wide-eyed. "It's okay, right?"

They straightforwardly shrug, meanwhile, Toruku looks grim. "Yeah, it's fine."

"A-Are you sure? I feel like I'd be intruding on something!" Sugawara says, worried my friends wouldn't be very accepting of him. But truth was, we saw each other more than we saw our parents, so thirty minutes with an additional person wouldn't be too much of a problem.

"It's alright," Giki says, meanwhile we walk towards an empty table near the stage. Sugawara's feet stutter, contemplating whether or not to go along with a couple of social rejects.

"If you don't want to, that's fine too. Just don't hold us up." I grin, looking over my shoulder at his confused look. "Hurry, Sugawara!"

"Oh, alright then," he mumbles, following the rest of us.

After stealing ourselves, I let out a big yawn, opening what sat in my bento: white rice, pickled vegetables, and soba that I had microwaved this morning. "You're not having anything, Suga?" I question him, while the rest of my friends open their bentos as well.

"Oh, no thanks. I usually eat after school." He returned. But as if he were in mute, I start shuffling around my book bag to find something I might have. Finally, I find a simple orange: not too old and not too new.

"Here, eat this." I toss it to him, and he quickly catches it. "I keep extra good in case I get hungry. Plus, don't you do volleyball? You've gotta way to be strong!" I say in a raspy voice, mimicking a coach or older adult.

He giggles, and thanks me for the small gesture. Even if I'd just started talking to him again, it felt as if I was comfortable around him already, just like before.

"You do volleyball?" Toruku questions him, placing his feet onto the table. He laid back with his arms behind his head, and the collar of his uniform unbuttoned. He was trying to prove something to him.

"Sensei Tamaki is gonna yell at you again.." I sing, placing a lump of rice into my mouth. The rest of them agree, and Suga just giggles while peeling his orange.

Suga nods at him, giving him a light smile. "Yes, I'm a setter. I coordinate the attacks and basically everything else."

"Oh..?" Giki, Hikishi, and blondie all utter confused at the new term. Thankfully, I had the slightest experience in volleyball, which meant I could explain to them.

"Being a setter means you're like the control tower of the team. Like Giki; without her drums, there wouldn't be a steady beat to a song. Or take Hikishi; the base is what makes a base tune. That's the best I can explain in your language." I explain, looking to Suga for any corrections.

"That's right, yeah. How'd you know?" He leans on his arm.

"I may not look like it but I used to play back in middle school. But really, I just played because of my friend group. All of them were the athlete type." I reply to him, meanwhile eating before loudly being interrupted.

"TORUKU AIZAWA!" The expected teacher yells at him, pulling many people's attention. "I WILL NOT START WITH YOU THIS SCHOOL YEAR! FEET OFF THE TABLE..!"

"Okay, okay!" He rolls his eyes, placing them back onto the floor, and crosses his arms. "That old hag.."

Suga laughs softly. His hand crept around the fruit, peeling it as he discussed more. The only thing that was embarrassing was that his words spoke about me. "So, I've heard Y/n is really talented. You know, I would have figured that out if she wasn't so introverted as a first-year."

Hikishi makes a small noise of agreement, before sealing their food, and responding. "Oh, yes. Y/n his her vocal skills from us for quite a while before we brought her out of her shell. Not only that, but she's really good at guitar. Ever heard her?"

Sugawara shakes his head, looking back at me. "No, but I'd love to hear! I understand she's quite angelic."

"I— Uhm, no!" I smile sarcastically, leaning over the table to stuff a piece of chicken in Hikishi's mouth. "Now you be quiet!"

Sugas head perks up, as he begins, "So are you guys signed? Better yet, do you have a band name?" He questions, leaning on his hand while he talks.

"Grimlace." Giki responds, resting her head on her folded arms. Why was he so invested in this conversation? Hell if I knew.

Still, it seemed they had no problem with meeting Sugawara. Well, except for Toruku. But he was always suspicious of any boy I was comfortable with that wasn't him.

While he discussed with my cremates about different subjects on music, I quietly ate my food, observing Sugawara while he had absolutely no idea.

When he was fifteen, I remember loathing the first few moments around him. He'd only ever talk and have energy inside him, like a living Red Bull bottle with an extra shot of caffeine. Of course, the next few times I saw him I'd already gotten used to him and his tiny crush on me. His aura was what inspired me to rebuild myself. Sad thing was that when I was done grieving, he had just begun.

I heard that one of his parents had passed away and that it was a big impact on him. I couldn't even imagine losing one of my parents, even if they hardly even raised me. How I wish I could go back to last year, and find him again, meanwhile searching for the old him. But it seemed that the agony that weighed his kind soul was light, and once again, I met fifteen-year-old Sugawara and that bright smile of his.

—

"It was fun talking to you all. It's not always that I get to converse with such a different group than what I've known." Sugawara mentions as he stands up from the lunch chair, along with the rest of us. "You all must know Karasuno isn't a very divergent school."

"Ah yes, we're aware," Toruku says, slinging his shoulder bag where it belongs. "It was nice talking to you as well, but we've outta get going now. Have a good one, Sugawara!"

"Hey," I say, drawing his attention back towards me. "I might stay a little bit late after school. If—..if you've got practice today maybe you can help me get back to the neighborhood." I silently prayed he didn't catch my stutter. "It'll be pretty dark, wouldn't want me to get lost, now would you?"

Shortly after, he replies, "Why, of course. Although, practice usually ends around five to six. Mind if I swing by once it's done, that way I can wait for you?"

Hikishi quickly swung an arm around my shoulder, and smiles at the grey-haired boy."That would be great! Maybe our Y/n can play a little something for you since you're so invested in her. Isn't that right, Y/n— ow!" He yelps at the harsh pinch of my fingers on his face. I sharply turn once more, bowing to Suga.

"Thank you. We'll be in music room 3007. Though I doubt I'll make a fool out of myself and perform for you," I say, as a small laugh leaves my lips. "I'll see you then."

"Got it, have yourself a good day."

"Yeah, you as well."

—-

Hello folks! Thanks for coming back to read. I really appreciate it! Please vote for my chapters, I work very hard on them and would love some love :) make sure to get good rest and drink lots of water. Love you♥️♥️

- Sugawara's beauty mark☆

[mem-en-to]

I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.