#making adding it smoothies and stuff a meat smoothie

[firestar5318]

What makes something meat or not meat?

[frownyalfred]

I don’t know much about bulking or cutting but is there a reason why the food is so plain to the point where theres not even salt or pepper 😭 like I see people make “yummy bulking meal prep” videos where the food looks like actual food and I just wonder why people still go the plain route when stuff like that exists

Yeah, generally when you’re doing a bulk or cut and you’re being strict, you’re breaking every mouthful of food into its macros. For cuts, everything counts against total calories, so the food is bland because you only have so many calories you can eat, but you still need to take in massive amounts of protein. I’m in a cut rn doing 1300 calories with 140g of protein and let me tell you….I’m not quite eating like a bodybuilder, but it’s close. I’m putting hot sauce and MSG on everything. I’m not cooking with butter or heavy sauces. There just isn’t room.

For bulks, it’s a little different. You’re putting on muscle by 1) eating a ton of protein and calories and 2) working out like crazy (strength training, mostly). The more lean protein you eat, the easier it is to put on muscle.

Usually that’s what people mean when they say a clean or lean bulk — stuff like straight chicken breast, eggs, dairy, other meat products. This also helps protect against unwanted fat gain. Moderate increase in overall caloric intake, high protein, basic protein options.

A dirty bulk, in contrast, is just eating as many calories of whatever macros you want to gain as much weight as possible while working out (generally in advance of doing a cutting cycle after). The “mass moves mass” line is overused and without nuance, but in that respect it’s true — an underweight lifter moves less mass than a version of themselves with 10-20 more pounds, even if only some of that is actually muscle.

So yeah — sometimes people can bulk with tasty meals. Other times they eat plain chicken breasts or smoothies. My recommendation is to get a good spice drawer to offset the sad diet of lean bulks or cuts. I might make your basic chicken and rice, but it’s gonna be spicy and flavorful (without adding a ton of sodium or butter etc).

And again — this is not a super healthy way to eat long term. That’s why there are cutting and bulking cycles. It’s usually temporary. Hence why it’s more tolerable.

[silleegob]

Killua taking Gon on a date? (ﾟ∀ﾟ)

Was just continuing my rewatch on HxH, and something IMMEDIATELY caught my eye. I believe it is yet another silly subtext on Killua's romantic feelings towards Gon that Togashi put xD. (This happened on episode 86—which is chapter 201 in the manga!)

I'll be talking about this specific panel:

Oke so this happened right after Killua and Gon met Palm. They go to a restaurant so they can have their conversation about this Knuckle and Shoot thing. It's perfectly normal to choose a restaurant for that since Killua and Gon mostly go to restaurants to discuss stuff. But I 100% believe this specific restaurant conversation was a date, because !!! it's definitely a love restaurant. AND I HAVE PROOF SO SHH!!!

First of all, the uniform of the waitress:

She's legit dressed like those waitresses you see in Shoujo animes where the couple goes on a restaurant/cafe date. Not to mention, the literal heart on her chest!!

If that's not convincing enough, then literally look at this omurice:

The word on the omurice is written in the HxH alphabet, but I managed to translate it. :3

Ra, Fu, and a dakuten. The dakuten sign transforms F -> B = Bu. I'm also aware that the letter I is the same as the dakuten sign, but since it's small, and was placed at the top of Fu, then it's a dakuten. This means that it spells out -Rabu- which is the Japanese pronounciation of love. ᵔᴗᵔ

Now, I know the manga panel did not highlight or even write that on the food, but it's safe to assume that the animators drew that to imply that this IS a love restaurant. Seeing Togashi's drawing of the uniform, the animators understood what type of uniform that was, and where it's worn. Then proceeded to make it clear for us viewers that Killua and Gon are in a love restaurant by drawing "love" on the food.

And also, the waitress literally appears in front which covers Killua and Gon. I find it funny cause Togashi's obviously implying that this waitress is important to look at, like "BOOM check this waitress out!!! I'm highlighting what type of waitress she is, so look! Look at her!"

But that's not all, I also noticed the food being prepared at Killua and Gon's table.

That's quite a lot of food being prepared, and they look good too. It's not the usual -fast food, big meat, big chicken, spaghetti, orange juice- typa shit like what these two usually order. There's cake, pasta, coffee/tea (i can't tell), smoothies, and whatever else is there. And you know what this looks like? Killua working his ass off to properly choose and prepare nice and decent food for him and Gon—like he's arranging a date! (^^)b

I personally think Killua's the one who chose the restaurant, and the one who ordered the food because Gon just doesn't look like the type to give a shit about where they eat, nor choose those types of food, and Killua being the type to arrange where they eat cause he's that picky rich kid with tastes lol.

ANYWAAAYYY it's too convincing that he took Gon on a date, cause this also happened right a lil' bit after the "Gon you are light" scene—which we all claim as the confirmation of Killua's romantic feelings for Gon. So it's like Killua's just acting on crush instincts. ◠ᗜ◠ It genuinely seemed like he took their discussion—about Knuckle and Shoot—as an opportunity to take Gon on a date, too. (He sneaky as heeelll.)

This was nothing too serious, I just thought it was a cute and adorable detail that Togashi added!

[buggybuggs]

Everyone's favourite foods? :> (couldn't choose one, and after choosing multiple, didn't want others to feel excluded hshshshs)

YOU GOT IT

Ashe - She prefers traditional Monstrin foods, which are typically crunchy friedleafy greens paired with different toppings, luckily Okinomiyaki fits that definition well. She loves barbequed meats, like char siu, and a good lick on a lemon every now and then Aivoni - LOVER of seafood, anything on one of those grill setups too. She loves a good lobster roll or a nice seafood paella, but at home she'll happily enjoy a lazily made pasta dish Vae - ANNNYTHING sweet, but especially pastries. A good carrot cake, or a good cheesecake. she loves carnival type food like funnel cakes and cotton candy too. she also loves to eat raw veggies as a snack, go ahead and give her a basket of turnips and watch... Mastiff - BURRITOS. sure its not what she grew up with, but she LOVES a nice wrapped up giant burrito with EVERYTHING she can fit into it. she likes to put lots of rice in it though! otherwise she loves dumplings and pierogi! -after this point, my gf added her input Vess - smoothies of all types, she loves a good mango and anything thats nice and sweet, she doesnt eat much otherwise Merina - junk foods, anything she can eat lazing around that fills her up, cheap stuff like burgers and fries is her specialty. if you want to treat her? give her some good spicy wings... Okapi - [I need to develop her more, so sorry!!] Prongy - So in Nebraska they got these things called runzas! its bread wrapped around a mix of beef and cabbage with plenty of pepper and spices! she likes one with cheese, and pair it with a kool aid burst!! Cammy - cammy LOVES to grill. a good steak, make it rare, give her an interesting meat to cook with. he'll gnaw on a juicy burger as well, they dont care if a rare burger could give them food poisoning, LOL! Kroma - Cheap ramen, she doesnt do the broth, just noodles with the flavoring. She loves a cheap conveyor belt sushi place too... unless youre paying. then you'll hear her talk all about how much she loves Uni and Otoro. Imp - Anything fried and oily, she loves some takoyaki, calamari, and okinomiyaki (like Ashe, that's the only time they get along). You'll also find her begging for your fries. Sam - Make it cheap, make it fast, unless its a good pizza portuguesa, she'll happily wait for that! She'll help cammy along with grilling and make a really nice chimmichuri, but with food, she aint picky at all Trace - Food? nah, she has a monster energy and a meal replacement. she's more focused on her gaming than to care about having a meal. If you're serving her? it better not have any weird textures. or else she'll be sad!

Maltha and Ly's world is lacking a bit with food BUT Maltha likes salty and savory things, she has a weird relationship with meat as her cloned kin are used in the meat industry but.. she uh.. has a taste Ly has never really had real food other than beet-like vegetables that they fed their livestock, but if offered the taste of a nice meaty thing? they might like it!! (too much maybe!? oh no! they're going after people!!!!)

Truck loves pasta... cheap chain restaurant food that offers all sorts of deals. Or a good deviled egg! Unnamed Magnezone likes food too! but scans it. It likes anything that has a lot of heterogeneity, so anything that has many different things on it to make it happy

Bugg will eat anything thats cheap and tasty. want to treat them though? give it some stroganoff, or maybe some fried scallops, or a nice salad with all sorts of olives on it :3

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

Can you please share your what I eat in a day type thing? Like what’s an average day of eating look like for you? I’m trying to get back into the swing of things after having a baby and been exercising but I need to change my eating habits. Thanks!

of course! i’m pretty set in a routine now with my day to day diet. are there any particular things you like/don’t like? sometimes all you need are a weeks worth of easy meal recipes to get into a routine. i'll share below a really broad example of what i eat in a day.

for breakfast - i don’t generally eat a “real” breakfast, but this year i’ve tried to make a habit out of getting something in. 9 times out of 10 it’s a piece of fruit, usually a banana, or a fruit smoothie and after that i’ll do a coffee with flavored protein powder or nutritional supplement added in.

for lunch, it’s whatever i prepped. these days it’s not terribly exciting because i am trying to maintain a fairly “whole” food diet the majority of the time. mainly chicken or beef, and a vegetable or salad. stuff i can heat up or throw together if i’m busy. i like to season the meat different ways and basically just have ingredients around that i can mix up to keep things interesting - for instance, if i have brown rice i’ll make a burrito bowl with the protein and veggies and top it with homemade salsa, or put it in a low carb tortilla.

dinner varies a LOT depending on how busy i am 😭 sometimes i literally just eat the same thing i had for lunch, other nights i’ll cook an entire meal. like i said, i try to prep and have whatever protein ready to go so i only need to get my sides together. i’ve been grilling a lot or putting meat in the slow cooker to use in various meals. i need things to be very easy because once things get complicated and i’m already busy, that’s when dinner is me eating a cup of cottage cheese and a banana lmao eating significantly less processed food is simple but not easy, for me. i'm still learning, but i feel great doing it so i want to continue.

[ambriona]

What are some creative ways to incorporate homemade nut butter with added protein into my diet?

Incorporating homemade hazelnut butter with added protein into your diet can add variety and nutritional value to your meals and snacks. Here are some creative ways to enjoy it:

Spread on Toast or Rice Cakes: Spread hazelnut butter on whole grain toast, rice cakes, or crackers for a quick and satisfying breakfast or snack. You can also top it with sliced bananas, strawberries, or a drizzle of honey for extra flavor.

Stir into Oatmeal or Yogurt: Mix hazelnut butter into your morning oatmeal or yogurt for a creamy and nutritious boost. Add a sprinkle of cinnamon, chia seeds, or chopped nuts for added texture and flavor.

Blend into Smoothies: Add a spoonful of hazelnut butter to your favorite smoothie recipe for a rich and creamy texture. Combine it with ingredients like banana, spinach, protein powder, and almond milk for a delicious and protein-packed drink.

Use as a Dip: Use hazelnut butter as a dip for fresh fruit slices, such as apple, pear, or banana. You can also dip pretzels, celery sticks, or carrot sticks for a savory and satisfying snack.

Incorporate into Baked Goods: Use hazelnut butter as a substitute for traditional nut butters in baked goods like cookies, brownies, or energy bars. It adds a nutty flavor and moisture while increasing the protein content of your treats.

Mix into Salad Dressings: Incorporate hazelnut butter into homemade salad dressings for a creamy and flavorful twist. Combine it with olive oil, lemon juice, garlic, and herbs for a delicious dressing to drizzle over salads or roasted vegetables.

Add to Sauces and Marinades: Use hazelnut butter as a base for sauces and marinades for meat, poultry, or tofu dishes. Combine it with ingredients like soy sauce, ginger, garlic, and sesame oil for a flavorful and protein-rich sauce.

Make Hazelnut Butter Cups: Create homemade hazelnut butter cups by filling mini muffin liners with a layer of melted chocolate, followed by a spoonful of hazelnut butter, and another layer of chocolate on top. Refrigerate until set for a delicious and indulgent treat.

Stuffed into Dates or Prunes: Stuff pitted dates or prunes with hazelnut butter for a quick and nutritious snack. You can also roll them in shredded coconut or cocoa powder for added flavor.

Spread on Pancakes or Waffles: Spread hazelnut butter on pancakes, waffles, or French toast instead of traditional syrup for a nutty and protein-rich topping. Add sliced fruit and a drizzle of maple syrup for extra sweetness.

These are just a few creative ways to incorporate homemade hazelnut butter with added protein into your diet. Feel free to experiment with different recipes and flavor combinations to find what works best for you!

[mkfitnessnz]

Healthy Eating Lifestyle

For the wellness of the mind and the body, healthy eating should be a way of life. That’s called a healthy eating lifestyle. The other aspects of healthy living, however, have to be maintained too. For example, you need to stay focused on keeping fit by working out in a gym or with a fitness trainer.

Healthy eating involves maintaining the right balance of different food types so that you consume a healthy diet. Your body needs a certain amount of calories to stay active and energetic. When you eat more than the body requires, there are higher chances of abnormal weight gain since the extra calories are all converted into fats by the body and stored in tissues where it is difficult to break them down. You would then need to work with a personal trainer in NZ to work out and lose the fat.

Follow these tips for a healthy eating lifestyle:

1. Vegetables & Fruits are the Lifelines

Fresh fruits and green veggies go a long way in keeping the body healthy and sound. As per various studies, it is recommended that adults should eat a minimum of five servings of different fruits and veggies every day. It doesn’t necessarily have to be fresh fruits or veggies. You can have smoothies, juices, canned stuff, dried foods, or even frozen food.

The natural sugar and other essential nutrients like vitamins and minerals contained in vegetables and fruits help make the body stronger. Substituting them with artificial sugars, salts, additives, etc., can be potentially harmful to the body.

2. Saturated fats and Processed Sugars are Dangerous for the Body

There are good fats and bad fats. Saturated fats are the bad ones and continuous consumption of this fat type can impact the cholesterol levels in the blood. Thereby increasing the chances of developing severe heart-related diseases. These kinds of harmful fats are found in butter, meat, cheese, sausages, cakes, creams, lard, etc.

If you have to eat fats, go in for unsaturated fats. Pick foods like fish, lean meat, olive oil, vegetable oils, etc., for a healthy body.

Similar is the case with processed sugars. Drinking fizzy and alcoholic drinks, and eating foods like biscuits, cakes, pastries, pudding, etc., can be the beginning of all troubles. Increased sugar intake leads to tooth decay, obesity, and weight gain. Make sure that you read the packaging label carefully before purchasing and consuming typical foods high in artificial sweeteners. In order to lose the extra weight that you have gained by eating saturated fats and processed sugars, you should speak to an Auckland Personal Trainer and get started on a personalized regime for weight loss.

3. Eat foods rich in Fiber

Eating foods like whole grains, or brown rice is highly advisable because even though these foods are rich in starchy carbs, they have a high content of fiber too. These foods keep you full for a longer time, thereby reducing the guilty urge to eat whenever and wherever you want. Avoid food like pasta, potatoes, and cereals because the carb content is too high in these foods. Eating potatoes with their skin on is also a good way of including fiber in your food.

4. Fish is good for your health

Experts advise eating fish twice a week. Eating oily fish like salmon, trout, sardines, etc. is highly recommended. This is because fish contain high amounts of proteins, and other necessary minerals and vitamins. Fishes like tuna, cod, coley, haddock, etc. help keep your body strong and fit. Fresh fish is the best choice. You can have canned and frozen fish too but keep a watch on the salt content.

5. Less Salt is Better

The less sail you eat, the better it is for your physical and mental health. 6 grams of salt is the recommended intake every day for adults. Increased consumption of salt can give rise to innumerable health issues like high blood pressure, increased chances of stroke, heart-related diseases, and so on.

Remember that most food types that you eat contain natural salt. Hence, adding refined salt over and above is not a wise decision. When buying ready-to-use food from the grocery, do pay attention to the labels on the packaging.

Stay healthy and fit by following the above-mentioned methods of a healthy eating lifestyle. Don’t skip your fitness routine at any cost.

For the original version on Mkfitnessnz.com visit at: https://mkfitnessnz.com/healthy-eating-lifestyle/

[xeno-beneviento]

Trying to eat healthier is an ass.

And don’t let the instabloggers lie to you with their avocado toast and other bs - it is very, very difficult to feed this meat mecha on a daily basis, especially when mental strength is already lacking.

It's complicated, it's boring, and if you have problems with the sensory perception of food textures, it's a real disaster. But, eating more diverse food helps mental and physical health. Like, it really does.

So I decided to share some easy life hacks I discovered for trying to eat healthier, while also being posessed by a five year old who doesn't want to eat fruits and vegetables.

1. Adding is easier than removing.

Let's say you have a bowl of sausage and rice. Basically good and yummy, yes. But. What can be added? Cut a little tomato on the side, or add zucchini caviar, or add a boiled egg, which you cut to look like a cute flower. Sprinkle on top with flax seeds, which are not felt at all, but are very good for the stomach. Add more stuff, and you’ll feel much better and more full.

2. Smoothies are a very easy way to eliminate the need for x fruits a day.

You don't have to be very fancy with it, too. Think in your head of fruits that are inexpensive in your country, cross out those that are tasteless/terrible in texture to you - and you're done. Knead a random amount of them relative to each other, plus a banana, plus milk - and drink while your brain is busy scrolling through the feed. You will not notice how you drink everything. Great for breakfast btw, espesially if you like me and can’t eat anything at the morning.

2.2. Try to add some dried fruits that have been soaked in water to your smoothies.

I know it sounds very strange. However, most fruits, when dried and soaked back in water, lose almost all of their texture. They become almost imperceptible in a smoothie, while still giving some of their benefits to you. stonks

3. Frozen soups are very simple and valid yum yum.

Yeah, the one you put in the microwave to defrost for 5 min. Just make sure you’ll find the one with no yucky stuff inside. The simpler the composition, the better. And also, the fact that you can just go and defrost a bowl of soup for yourself and eat in the moment, instead of agonizing in the kitchen for half a day preparing it and then realize the next day that you want something different is a clear plus.

will add more later ^^

[christina-thebarber-yogi]

I'm feeling all my emotions today. I'm trying not to stuff it down with anything and to just let it pass. I made it through day 16. For my outdoor workout, I rode my bicycle to a class at the studio where I teach. My indoor workout was the actual class. I had the last half of my vegan lasagna today along with a smoothie and then I heated up some leftover rice and #beyond meat and black beans that I made in the #ninjafoodi yesterday. I also was craving sweets so I melted some dark chocolate, added a little maple syrup, some coconut flakes, peanut butter and oats and let it chill in the fridge for about 20 minutes. I'm going to make them again. Maybe next time I'll use Rice Krispies instead of oats 😋 water ✅ no alcohol ✅ reading ✅ pic ✅

[leonardoeatscarrots]

Pickles are full of sodium and electrolytes, too. One of my favorite summer time meals is ham salad made with ham and pickles, and you put it on sandwiches.

Coconut water is rich in electrolytes and is great in smoothies as a milk alternative.

Adding baking soda to acidic foods like tomato soup/sauce, rhubarb, coffee, etc. can help cut the acids, and because of the chemical reaction that occurs, it increases salt.

Gatorade is also an obvious option for people. But not everyone likes the flavor or can have the sugar.

Soups, gravys, and meat products are very good for sodium intake as well. But fish, dairy, and even pasta are good alternatives for people with dietary restrictions.

Adding a small amount of sugar to savory dishes with salt can also help with balancing the flavor.

Alternatively, salt pairs well in sweet dishes too, as mentioned above. My favorite is salted caramel. But I've also made a standard brownie recipe with pretzel salt (coarse salt works too) sprinkled sparsely on top. Puddings and cookes are also great topped with salt!

Just make sure to frequently test the flavor while you're cooking with extra salt because the flavor can quickly become overwhelming.

However, there's also non food based methods of rebalancing electrolytes.

My go-to is Epsom salts. Epsom salts are rich in magnesium and can be added to your bath water and are absorbed through your skin. You can find large bags of this shit in the body care section of the store, and they come scented or unscented. This stuff is very helpful for sore or tense muscles and for when you've been sweating a lot. I SWEAR by this shit. It's cheap and works nearly instantly!

If baths aren't accessible for you, then you can use the Epsom salts to make a compress. To do this you add two parts warm water to one part Epsom salt and let it dissolve completely. Then take a wash cloth or towel and soak it in the solution. Then wrap the towel around the sore area and let it rest for 30+ minutes.

This post is kind of in no particular order, but this is all stuff I found helpful as someone with low sodium levels and blood pressure issues. So I hope this helps someone else 🙏

there are so many books about low sodium cooking. where are the high sodium cookbooks?? i need recipes that improve my symptoms and don’t taste like licking the bottom of an over-chlorinated pool.

[thelittlestlovebug]

Snacks and Drinks for Littles

🍼🌟0-1🌟🍼

🍼- Soft, squishy foods like Bananas, Blueberries, Etc. (i prefer in slices for any bigger foods!)

🍼- Angel Milk, Honey Milk, Etc. Are all great! (theres many recipes online!)

🍼- Add a spoonful of sugar to heated up milk, then put it in a bottle! Helps me feel tiny and like a baby!

🍼- If you struggle with lactose intolerance, almond milk with vanilla and a spoonful of sugar is delicious! And if you aren’t a fan of that, water with a small bit of flavoring added is great, though only around less then a teaspoon (though you should be drinking water anyways! water is good for you!)

🖍🌟2-4🌟🖍

🖍 - More foods are available, but you still need to be careful! Things like go-gurts, animal crackers, goldfish, popcorn, etc. are all great snacks for littles!

🖍 - Lemonade and things like juice-boxes and koolaid are good drinks! Though make sure to have water as well!

🖍 - Snacks like apple slices and peanut butter, fruit plates, vegetables, etc. are healthy snacks for all littles! But make sure to cut them up first!

🖍 - Meanwhile if you want a sugary treat, cookies, ice cream, brownies with ice cream on top (optional), crackers, and other snacks from your childhood are always delicious! Though make sure to watch out for allergies!

🎈🌟5-8🌟🎈

🎈 - While snacks from before are super tasty as well, you can have other snacks too now! For example, bigger foods, like whole apples! (Just make sure to take little bites, and be careful!)

🎈 - Tougher foods are also good now, things like jerky and other meats. But be careful, as some may be too hard or spicy! And if you don’t like meats, theres also things likes smoothies, which are yummy!

🎈 - As usual, drink at least a cup of water a day! But other tasty drinks include koolaid packs, juice boxes, and other juices you may like! You can get flavoring for water as well, iff you prefer that.

🎈 - Be sure to be careful if you have anything hot, such as hot chocolate, fresh baked goods, or fresh cooked foods can burn easily. So be sure to wait for it to cool a little!

🌈🌟9+🌟🌈

9+ can have most of the same stuff their caregivers have, with some obvious exceptions. Though some great foods are pasta, fruits, vegetables, go-gurts, and all the stuff from before!

[lowspoonsfood]

Oh - also things like instant rice and ready-made meals, if they're available to you! A quick salad is mozzarella (the stuff in water? Brine? Not sure what it is but not the shredded mozzarella), cherry tomatoes (or whatever tomatoes, I just prefer sweeter ones) and basil, and a drizzle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar if you have them. Pre-cooked meats are always good, most of the time they're good to eat right out of the packet but sticking them in the oven for 20 minutes tends to make them much better. The kind of smoothies with "added vitamins" taste nice and might be something for the kind of days when chewing feels like too much work

[themonkeycabal]

WandaVision Episode 9 Spoilers

I can't believe we're already at the finale. 

This has been better than I expected, though I didn't have any particular expectations one way or the other. I had hoped it would be bonkers, and it's had its moments, but I didn't expect it to be breaking my heart. I'm glad Wanda (and Elizabeth Olsen) got this moment to shine. It was very well done, and it's been nice to have fun with a Marvel property again. It's been a little while.

My wishlist for this episode is simply that somebody, anybody punch Acting Director Dick square in the face. And also that Jimmy Woo arrests him. A lot.

Other than that, I don't know what to expect, or how they wrap this up in 30 minutes.

Previously on: Wanda finally earned the name Scarlet Witch after Agatha made her relive the worst moments of her life. Harsh, Agatha. Vision uttered a line that launched a thousand gif sets. And Hayward revealed his genius masterplan which is a reactivated Vision, devoid of color and powered by the energy bleeding from Wanda's hex. I'm sure that will go swimmingly for him.

Let's see how this all ends.

Agatha still has magical tethers around Billy and Tommy's necks, which obviously Wanda doesn't like. Agatha gives the boys a tug, knocking them back, and Wanda lets loose, walloping Agatha. The boys are now free, but Wanda tells them to go to their room. They object, she insists, Tommy grabs Billy and they zoom off. Wanda hits Agatha again with a hex, but Agatha sort of collects it into a little glowy ball in her hand. Oops.

"I take power from the undeserving. It's kinda my thing."

Wanda notices her hand turning gray and gnarly — the look of somebody about to be magically mummified. Agatha hits her with a hex and taunts her some more.

"You're clearly in over your little, red head, so why don't you surrender your magic to someone who knows what to do with it?" Agatha, you're pushing your luck. "I'll let you keep this pathetic corner of the world all to yourself. What do you say?"

Wanda says she will throw a car right at your face, Agatha. I laughed. Didn't see that coming, did you? Knocked Agatha right out of her boots.

As Wanda is investigating, Director Dick's white Vision floats down behind her. He's creepy looking.

Wanda walks over to him, staring at him. "Is it really you?"

He puts his hands on her face, all gentle like, but it's a lie. He starts to squeeze. "And I was told you were powerful."

Gross, AD Dick. I hope you get stepped on by Ant-Man when he's being Giant-Man.

Sitcom World Vision (hereafter just plain old Vision) makes a timely reappearance, and takes out Not!Vision. He wants to know where the boys are, Wanda assures him they're safe, and she apologizes for everything and that she should have told him what was happening, "the moment I realized what I'd done". Poor Wanda. He tells her it's alright. She says she can fix it. Not!Vision climbs out of the burning remains of a camper.

Agatha reappears to note the awkwardness of the situation. She asks Wanda who she's going to choose, the ex or the boyfriend. What happens when Wanda hits you with more power than you can contain, Agatha?

Wanda tells Vision "this is our home." He agrees, "then let's fight for it." I hope for the best for you two crazy kids! Marvel has a dicey record on happy endings, though. Sorry!

Vision takes off towards Not!Vision again. Agatha flies off, too, and Wanda follows.

Across the street Monica is pounding on a window, calling for Wanda. Fietro, lounging with a guitar in his … stoner den?, tells her nobody can hear her. Can we talk about how Monica's SWORD uniform looks like ST:Next Gen unis? I can't stop seeing it and it's distracting. Anyway, she tries to escape, but, Fietro is still all fast and stuff, so she's thwarted.

In the sky, Vision and Not!Vision battle. Not!Vision says Wanda must be neutralized and Vision must be destroyed. Hmm. Not!Vision tries to rip out the stone in Vision's forehead but Vision goes intangible. More fighting with intangibleness. It's pretty cool.

Outside Westview, AD Dick is feeling cocky as he watches both Visions on tracking monitors. I loathe him so much. Jimmy Woo is brought in handcuffed by a pair of SWORD goons. I'm sorry, who the f is SWORD? Like, they have arrest powers now? Dick says "hey, it's my favorite member of the Bureau." New wishlist: everybody gets to take turns punching AD Dick in the face.

Dick asks his minion to reconfirm mission objectives while Jimmy listens carefully, mentally noting each and every violation of federal law and the Sokovia Accords. 

The minion says she can't get through to not!Vision, his system is overloaded. A cellphone rings on a desk nearby and Jimmy eyes it, then tells Hayward that he'll never be able to cover up these shenanigans. 

While Dick is busy boasting and the SWORD goons are doing everything but paying attention to their prisoner (in my head all the SWORD goons applied to SHIELD but Maria Hill laughed at each and every one of their applications and then called Pepper to laugh some more and then texted choice bits to May tagging them "RE: LOL"), Jimmy eases over and grabs the phone.

"Wanda canceled her show,” Dick says with the sort of confidence only an enormous prick can muster, “so there's no footage proving there was ever more than one Vision."

Jimmy points out that that is dumb, because there is other footage, from SWORD HQ and stuff, and probably evidence of tampering. He casually sits on a table, shaking his head, like he's just so disappointed (i'm hoping he's somehow managed to use the phone to record the monolog-ing) .

Dick is still too far up his own ass to notice Jimmy being sneaky. "No one's going to care once I've eliminated Wanda Maximoff. They'll believe that the Vision that emerges from the Westview rubble is the one she illegally tried to bring back to life."

Wait, bringing him back to life is illegal? You're full of shit, Dick. And also, an extremely terrible person, who will destroy a whole town for … something? A Vision weapon? Who are you fighting, Dick? BTW, I award him no sympathy points for surviving in the post-Snap world. So if he's been scarred by that or whatever, I don't care. Trauma doesn't excuse murdery megalomania. As has been said before: Cool motive, still murder. I hope Vision intangibles him into a lamp post that gets peed on every day by a parade of small dogs.

"They'll thank me for recovering such a valuable asset. You could be part of that victory, Jimmy. If only you had a little more … vision" says the smug prick who is asking for it. And by it I mean something both terrible and humiliating to happen to him asap.

Jimmy fake laughs back. "That's a good one, Hayward. Okay, I'm convinced. The trouble is my friends at Quantico will probably have something to say about your plan. When they arrive. Inside the hour." heh.

Oh, poor Dick doesn't like being mocked back. He tells his brain-dead goons to remove Jimmy. The goons throw Jimmy into a … stack of hay? In a fenced in cage thing? As you have on your pop-up military facility. Where he sets to work removing his handcuffs with a clip he also stole, because Jimmy Woo is cool like that. Close Up Magic! See the things you can learn from criminals. "Flourish" lol. 

He calls his friends at Quantico. "I was hoping you could get here … inside the hour?"

Back in Westview. Wanda is looking for Agatha while the town goes about its business. Weirdo delivery guy drives by "Don't shoot. I'm just the messenger. ha ha."

Then she gets hit in the back by a purple hex. Ouch. She has hit the pavement hard kind of a lot in this episode already. That hurts, my dudes, I know this from personal falling down experience. Wanda's hand, by the way, is still looking ashy and not very healthy.

Agatha taunts her from a rooftop. "Did you know there's an entire chapter devoted to you in the Darkhold." How could she know that, Agatha? Also, boo the Darkhold. That bit of nastiness led to the Framework, and I'm still a little scarred by that myself. "That's the book of the damned," says the witch standing in front of a billboard for "Squeaky Shine" lol.

Agatha produces the Darkhold and recites from it, "The Scarlet Witch is not born, she is forged. She has no coven, nor need for incantation." Wanda insists she isn't a witch, nobody taught her magic.

Agatha continues, "Your power exceeds that of the Sorcerer Supreme" Steven Strange will like that. Not much. He's so twitchy about things like that. "It's your destiny to destroy the world." Always with the destinies. FREE WILL FOREVAH!

Wanda insists she's not the Scarlet Witch thingy. Agatha says "oh really?" and uses her mojo on Emma Caulfield. Hi Emma Caulfield! She seems to be 'awake' and introduces herself to Wanda (who knew her as Dottie) "My name is Sarah. I have a daughter, she's 8, maybe she could be friends with your boys. If you like that storyline. Or the school bully, even. Really anything, if you could just let her out of her room. If I could just hold her." Wow, ouch.

Speaking of free will or the lack of, Wanda accuses Agatha of doing this, but Agatha says "She's your meat puppet. I just cut her strings." Poor Wanda. And now Agatha wakes up the whole town, who all head towards Wanda.

And we cut to Fietro's den of manchildness. Monica asks what that place is, but come on Monica, it's clearly a den of manchildness. Fietro is making himself a smoothie and explaining the purpose of a mancave — chillaxing.

Monica ignores him and rifles through his bills and whatnot. She finds a headshot of Fietro with the name "Ralph Bohner" underneath. Because, people just keep their headshots lying around willynilly. Wait, are we saying Ralph is an actor? Lol. 

Fietro meanwhile is planning for a Steven Segal marathon — my dad and I watched all of those movies and for the life of me I could not tell you why. We didn't *like* them. I mean, mostly we laughed, but still. Why?

Anyway, Monica is trying to solve the mystery of Fietro. It's not Agatha's house (obviously) it's Fietro's (Ralph). He's an ass and asks if she wants to fight some more, so she flips him over her shoulder and pins him down, trying to figure out how Agatha is controlling him. With her new glowy eyes, she notices the bead necklace he's wearing sparkles in a magically way. She rips it off and Fietro becomes Ralph.

Elsewhere the Visions are still battling in the sky and the boys are watching from their bedroom. They lose sight of dad, but Billy gets a vision of mom in trouble in the town square. He and Tommy run off.

The townsfolk are confused and scared. Wanda tells them they're all going to be fine. "When you let us sleep, we have your nightmares." Ouch. Wanda insists she kept them safe. Wanda, sweetie, you're very far in over your head. 

"You feel, you feel at peace," she tells them, kind of hoping that works. It doesn’t. "We feel your pain." "Your grief is poisoning us." "Please let us go." This is an awful thing to do to Wanda, Marvel!

It escalates with all those voices begging her to free them and she screams, grabbing her head, and when she does that, red light appears around the throats of the townies, silencing them, choking them. Wanda realizes and puts her glowy hands up "stop, stop, I'm sorry", releasing them all.

"If you won't let us go, let us die." Wanda promises to let them go. Agatha wonders what's stopping her from actually doing it.  

"Heroes don't torture people." Agatha's a very sink-or-swim kind of teacher.

That does the trick and Wanda throws her arms back and yells to the sky, releasing her power up at the hex surrounding the town. "Go, all of you. Now, go." The people run and the town flickers through the eras and the barrier starts to fall.

Outside, Director Dick tells his morons "this is it, we're going in!"

The Visions keep on battling, but as the barrier falls, Vision starts to falter himself. I was afraid of that.

The Morons roll in with their big trucks and big guns because … reasons. I have a very low opinion of SWORD. Maria Rambeau's agency deserves better than this shitshow.

Vision falls and it looks like bits of him are chipping off. He hits the ground hard, he gets up, but he's glitching, too, falling apart as Wanda takes down her spell. He reaches for her. The boys appear now, too, screaming for mom, but they seem to be flickering as well, flying apart in pixelly pieces. Poor Wanda.

Agatha says "Now do you see? You tied your family to this twisted world and now one can't exist without the other." This is terrible. "Save Westview or save your family." TERRIBLE.

Wanda pulls the hex into herself again, recreating the barrier. The kids and Vision recover and run to her. Outside, as the hex closes, Jimmy Woo is, yet again, left to stare at the barrier, cut off from the fun inside. Poor guy, lol. But, his FBI buddies are arriving, so at least he won't get lonely.

Agatha throws a hex at Wanda and Wanda throws up a shield to protect her family. Which Agatha starts to draw towards herself like the magic vampire she is. Greedy Agatha. Wanda's arms are all gray. And SWORD rolls into town square, because that's what this confrontation needed — these dipshits.

Anyway, the Family stands ready to face Director Dick and his morons, in a quality recreation of the Incredibles family pose. "Listen boys, your mother and I never really prepared you for this," dad says. Because your boys are like three days old, Vision, it's okay. "But you were born for it," Wanda assures them very fiercely. Get 'em, sister!  

As they square off, Vision's like "oh crap, it's the other me, back in a mo'" and flies off to tackle Not!Vision who's trying to sneak up behind them.

They destroy the town library and Vision wants to know why Not!Vision gotta be like that. "My programming directive is to destroy the Vision." 

Ha ha, says Vision, a loophole. "But, I'm not the true Vision, only a conditional Vision."

Hmmm, says Not!Vision, and they stop fighting, "I request elaboration". Hey, Vision, move into Not!Vision's body and you can be true Vision again! Problem solved, my work here is done.

Back to the street where we find Dick and his Morons and Agatha who is not making this situation at all better. The morons point their guns at Agatha who magics them up off the ground like thirty feet in the air, "Same story, different century. There will always be torches and pitchforks for ladies like us, Wanda." I'm not going to say you're wrong, Agatha, and God knows these SWORD morons are morons, but you're also a pain in the ass. So …

Anyway, then Agatha drops them and Wanda reaches out to catch them. But once caught, she does let them drop the last five or six feet. They'll be fine, but also they deserved it, so I laughed.

"Boys, handle the military. Mommy will be right back." They're my new favorite family.

Wanda flies up to tangle with Agatha and Agatha is super ready except … Wanda throws a curveball and disappears. Suck it Agatha.

Down on the ground the SWORD morons continue to cover themselves in glory and point their guns at CHILDREN. I don't care if they're powered children, you know what I'd like, I'd like if one of the morons would just be like "um, but … they're kids and how about no? I'm going to get Jimmy Woo! He'll know what to do. Don't try and stop me!" That doesn't happen.

Billy freezes the soldiers in place and Tommy super speeds by and steals their guns and hats. AD Dick, being the absolutely loathsome, vile, lower-than-a-maggot, piece of shit that he is, gets out of his humvee and shoots at the CHILDREN.

Monica, who has just arrived to the party, runs and throws herself between Dick and the boys, taking the bullets meant for them. Her new powers render her sort of … I don't even know. Not quite intangible, but she kind of looks like a ballistics gel dummy and the bullets go through her but they slow down a lot as they pass and then just sort of fall on the ground. Dick, crossing the line into pure evil, fires again, the bullet misses Monica and heads towards Billy, who just raises his hand and stops it with his power then he grins at Monica.

"Nice tricks," she tells him.

"I like yours, too," he says.

Dick tries to fire AGAIN! But he's out of bullets. He only had four? Or maybe his gun jammed. Anyway, like the brave man he is, he runs to the humvee, gets in, reverses at speed, stops and looks like he's going to put it in gear and drive at them because the dude is unhinged. But! Lo! It's Darcy and the funnel cake truck, that is apparently built like a tank, though come to think of it, it probably was an armored vehicle in the real world.

Anyway, she t-bones Dick's vehicle, thwarting his evility for the moment. "Have fun in prison." Lol

Back to the Visions. They're having a philosophical debate. "You are familiar with the thought experiment "The Ship of Theseus" in the field of identity metaphysics," Vision prompts Not!Vision.

  "Naturally." And Not!Vision helpfully spells it out for us. "The ship of Theseus is in a museum. Over time its planks of wood rot and are replaced with new planks. When no original planks remain, is it still the ship of Theseus?"

  Vision presses his advantage, "Secondly. If those removed planks are restored and reassembled, free of the rot, is that the ship of Theseus?"

To sum up, neither is the true Vision, both are the true Vision.

"But I do not have the mind stone," says not!Vision.

  "And I do not have one single ounce of original material," replies Vision. "Perhaps the rot is the memories. The wear and tear are the voyages. The wood touched by Theseus himself."

Not!Vision says he doesn't have the memories, though, but Vision insists he does, the data is still there, hidden. Not!Vision says nah, Vision must be the true Vision because he believes himself to be. But, Vision says that's not true anymore, he plays the reverse card, "upon meeting you, I have been disabused of that notion." This is the most philosophy nerd game of 'not it' ever.

Vision continues to try to get at Not!Vision's memories. "As a carbon-based synthazoid, your memory storage is not so easily wiped. May I?" Not!Vision allows Vision to touch the glowy bit where the memory stone used to be, and Not!Vision is flooded with Vision's memories. Not!Vision's eyes go … normal, I guess you'd say, no longer robot-like and glowy.

"I am Vision" he says and flies off. It was a lot to take in, I guess. He needs a little me-time.

I guess we're going to have to go back to calling Vision Sitcom!Vision, anyway, he goes outside and the boys run over to him and there's hugging and stuff.

Agatha stalks them from the rooftop, but it seems she might have forgotten Wanda for a second, because Wanda appears behind her and does that thing she does where she makes you see your worst fear. Enjoy that, Agatha!

Agatha sees herself bound to the stake in the woods again. Her coven dead. Wanda is there in the vision, too. "You see the difference between you and me, is that you did this on purpose."

The coven rise from the dead and shuffle to her while Agatha begs for it to stop. But, then Agatha gets control of herself, I guess, and the undead mummy witches start saying Wanda's name and pointing at her. You're just no fun at all, Agatha.

Now the coven ties Wanda to the stake. "You can't win, Wanda. Power isn't your problem; it's knowledge." That is, actually, very true. Wanda's Scarlet Witch headpiece appears on her all magical-like, marking her as the Scarlet Witch of myth, I suppose.

"Give me your power, and I will correct the flaws in your original spell. And you and your family and the people of Westview can all live together in peace."

If Agatha is so smart, why doesn't she just take Wanda's power, hmm?

"And no one will ever have to feel this pain again. Not even you," Agatha tries cajoling, but that was the wrong tack to take. Wanda gives her the head tilt of imminent ass-kicking, and her powers explode outward, flinging way the weird creepy coven of zombie mummies. Then Wanda knocks them both back into Westview.

She starts hammering Agatha with her powers. "Take it, I don't want it." Vision tries to fly up to help her, but she blocks him with a spell.

Witch fight in the clouds. Every time Wanda misses Agatha, her hexes hit the shield. Outside Jimmy Woo looks on, concerned.

"There's more," Agatha says, "I want it all." Wanda's looking a little mummified, but she's still flinging hexes left and right while Agatha cackles evilly. Eventually Wanda runs out of steam and just sort of hovers there.

"About our deal. Once case, a spell can never be changed." You're terrible, Agatha. Very cruel. "This world will always be broken. Just. Like. You." Low, Agatha. Lower than dirt

Agatha gathers herself and tries to hit out at Wanda with all that yummy power but it just fizzles. Nothing happens. Oh noes, Agatha, what's wrong?

Wanda starts looking like her normal self again and behind her glows a giant rune. Oh, dear, Agatha, you taught Wanda something. When she was missing Agatha and hitting the shield all those times, she was actually casting runes. LOL to you.

The sky is angry and red and stormy. Monica, Vision, and the boys look on.

"In a given space," Wanda says, "only the witch who cast them [runes] can use her magic. Thanks for the lesson, but, I don't need you to tell me who I am."

 The Scarlet Witch headpiece reappears and now Agatha has her a fright. I like you Agatha, you're rotten in fun way, but you took it too far, sister. Wanda takes her power back with prejudice and she is transformed into the Scarlet Witch. Updated version of the classic costume. Nice, I like it.

"Oh god," Agatha gasps, "You don't know what you've done." Wanda drops her on the ground more gently than she deserved.

Agatha asks if Wanda's going to lock her up somewhere. And Wanda says, yeah, here in lovely Westview. "I'll give you the role you chose; the nosy neighbor."

"You have no idea what you've unleashed. You're gonna need me." "If I do, I know where to find you." lol

And Wanda turns Agatha back into Agnes. "Hiya, hon. Say, that some kind of getup you're wearing. Did I leave the oven on, or is that just you, hot stuff."

Wanda says goodbye and walks over to her family, kissing her boys.

Vision says their dream home has turned into a fixer-upper. "I know you'll set everything right. Just not for us."

"No," Wanda agrees because Marvel likes to hurt us all. "Not for us."

Monica kind of bounces on her toes, trying to get Wanda's attention, but probably also not entirely wanting Wanda's attention. Wanda gives her a hesitant nod as she and Vision leave with the boys.

The field around town starts to shrink, the circus turns back into the SWORD base.

They get home and tuck the boys into bed.

"Big day today," Vision says. "Your mother and I … are very proud of you both."

"Very proud," Wanda agrees. "You know, a family is forever. We could never truly leave each other, even if we tried. You know that right?"

They kiss their boys goodnight. Outside the window, the field flickers and fails. "Boys, thanks for choosing me to be your mom."

The town of Westview returns to its sad old self, street by street. Wanda turns out the lights in their home.

But, Vision turns one back on. "Oh, I read somewhere, that it's bad luck to say goodbye in the dark." "No, you didn't." You guys are killing me.

Why did this have to be so good and sad?

And finally the collapsing field reaches their street, they watch it coming. 

"Wanda, I know we can't stay like this, but before I go, I feel I must know, what am I?"

She touches his face. "You, Vision, are the piece of the mind stone that lives in me. You are a body of wires and blood and bone that I created. You are my sadness and my hope, but mostly you're my love." Stupid show, my screen went blurry there for a second.

Vision cries a bit, they both are a little astonished by the tear. 

"I have been a voice with no body, a body but not human. And now, a memory, made real. Who knows what I might be next." Aww, Vision, I love you.

Here comes the field.

"We have said goodbye before, so it stands to reason—" "We'll say hello again." STUPID SHOW why do you have to make me feel things?

The field collapses and everything is stripped back into nothing. "So long, darling." And Wanda stands in the empty lot, in the foundations of the home that never was.

She walks away again. Poor Wanda. And back into town. The people look at her, they don't seem happy. I don't know why she chose to do that, she does have a car. Ah, she's going to talk to Monica.

"They'll never know what you sacrificed for them," Monica says. "It wouldn't change how they see me," Wanda tells her. "And you? You don't … you don't hate me?" "Given the chance, and given your power, I'd bring my mom back. You know I would." "I'm sorry, for all the pain I caused."

Wanda promises to figure out her power and then files off. The End.

Heartbreaking. Good, but heartbreaking.

Mid-credits scene. Jimmy Woo is large and in charge. He's setting up the incident response in town, ordering folks around (in his good natured way).

Jimmy spots his friend. "Monica!" "Authority looks good on you, Jimmy." "Where's Darcy?" "Something about ‘debriefs are for the weak’?" lol "But we can thank her for that." 

And down the street AD Dick is being arrested. Nobody punched him in the face. I'm sad. Darcy came closest, I guess. What with hitting him with the very large truck. It will have to do.

Monica is summoned to the theater by another agent. Hmm nobody there. The agent follows. "I was sent by an old friend of your mother's." And the agent is a Skrull. "He heard you'd been grounded. He'd like to meet with you."

"Where?"

The Skrull points up. 

What was Fury's Skrull buddy's name? I don't recall. I didn't actually like the Captain Marvel movie. I felt like they told it backwards, and also they should have just cast a younger actor to play young Nick Fury. That bugged me. And I wanted more of Annette Benning’s character. Anyway … I guess we know where we’ll see Monica again. 

Well, that was fun. Like I said, I'm not sure what I expected from this series, just that it be some degree of fun, I guess. But it was much better than whatever I had half-envisaged. AND SADDER, MARVEL.

Thank goodness for the multi-verse. I'm sure we'll see some version of the boys again. And also Not!Vision, who is probably also Vision at this point, knocking around the world, trying to find himself. Talk about identity crisis. I feel you, brother. Stay safe, get plenty of whatever passes for rest for you!

See you guys in a couple of weeks for Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I WANT NO TEARS FROM THAT ONE! Unless it's tears of laughter. 

ETA: FOR THE SECOND POST CREDITS SCENE THAT I MISSED. Stupid Marvel hiding things from me. Thank you, @beelzebufo

Mountains, a mountain lake, a place I’d like to be right now. Wanda sits on the porch of her lonely little cabin. The tea kettle whistles and she goes inside. There’s a rattling and whispering from the other room, where the astral projection(?) of the Scarlet Witch reads the Darkhold and her children call for her. I don’t know, Wanda, seems dicey, that’s not a very nice book. 

FOR REAL THE END THIS TIME

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

kiss me in the d-a-r-k .4.

tuesday

part 1 part 2 part 3

Warnings: non/dub con sex (oral)

This is dark!(dad)Steve and explicit. 18+ only.

Summary: Our reader finds herself cornered.

Note: Alright, another part. So this is a fic with an old mean/younger woman dynamic. I’ve purposely played up that trope so if you’re not a fan of that, I recommend you avoid this story (not to mention the the other warnings.) This series is just a bit of fun and not a statement on age or beauty or anything like that. It’s just a fic.

That being said, I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think!

...

The next morning you awoke to banging. Distant but persistent. Your head was pounding. Your legs were cramped. You sat up slowly and braced yourself on the head board as you hung your feet to the floor. This was why you hated drinking. You had no control. One drink easily meant ten.

You rose and dragged yourself to the door. You creaked it open and peeked down the hall to the source of the commotion. Steve's voice carried back to you. 

"Kylie, I swear. Wake up or I'm coming in." He knocked again.

You reeled as memories flashed through your head. His silver streaked blond bent over you. The warmth of his fingers on your flesh. The tickle of his tongue, the nip of his teeth. You snapped your door shut and pushed yourself against it.

You heard Kylie's door open. Her groggy voice sounded worse than you felt. "What?" You could barely hear her through the wood.

"One of your friends puked on my rover," He said. "Thought I'd allow you the pleasure of cleaning up after them...and don't forget the backyard. This isn't a fair ground."

"Ugh, Dad," She bemoaned, "Just give me a little."

"I warned you. Be smart. And here you are," He retorted, "Hungover. I'm pretty lax but this is enough. You have your friend here so maybe you should start acting like a responsible host. She is not my responsibility."

"She can take care of herself," Kylie grumbled, "It was just a bit of fun."

"I know about Taylor," He chided, "I'm not that stupid. I just hope you're being smart about that at least."

"I'm up, okay? I'll clean it all up. Can I at least have a coffee?"

"I think you can manage to drink and clean at the same time," He scoffed, "I want the whole car washed, got it?"

You listened as heavy footsteps passed by your door and lumbered down the stairs. You slowly cracked your door open and Kylie's eyes were drawn by the movement. She smiled but it was more a cringe.

"Do you feel as bad as I do?" She laughed and gripped her head. 

"I'll help you clean," You offered, ignoring her drunken promise to do it herself. You felt too bad for that.

"Kay," She leaned on her door frame, "I'm gonna shower first. I'll meet you down there."

"Good idea," You said, "Think I could use one."

She gave a wave and closed her door. You retreated into your room and touched your temple with a groan. You stared at the bed. You could remember a little. Mostly just the sensation. The images were blurred in your mind. 

Had it really happened?

You pushed yourself away from the door and stumbled across the room. The shower was open and you reached in to twist the faucet. You cranked it but only a trickle came from the head. You shut it off and turned it back on. You adjusted the setting on the shower head but nothing change. You sighed.

You tried the sink and a similar result, even the toilet croaked and drained slowly. What the fuck? 

You changed quickly into a pair of sweats and loose tee. You'd be cleaning anyways. You stepped into the hall. Kylie must be enjoying her shower still. You were jealous. You descended the stairs slowly and the smell of coffee wafted from the kitchen. You followed it to find Steve in front of the fridge, his back to you.

"Good morning," He turned as he took out the carton of soy milk. "I made coffee...figured you'd need it." He kept the fridge open and pulled out assorted fruits, "Or I can make you a smoothie?"

You stayed quiet. He acted as if nothing had happened. Maybe it hadn't. 

"My shower's broken," You rasped through your dry throat.

"Oh, I can have a look at it," He assured you, "So, did you want that smoothie? It's great for hangovers."

You stared at him. He smiled. You shrugged and coughed into your hand. "Sure."

"You girls had quite the party," He rinsed the berries and peeled a banana. "I admit, I had some wild days myself. Me and Sharon...well, she hated when I got drunk but boy was she a load when she indulged. We fought like cats and dogs." He loaded the fruit into the blender and added milk. "Fucked like rabbits after."

Your mouth fell open and he took a jar of honey from the cupboard. He drizzled just a little into the blender. He smirked as he put the lid in place and hit the button. You gripped the edge of the island as he held your gaze. He raised a brow coyly.

"Ugh," Kylie's voice jolted you as she entered. "Can you stop?"

Steve took his finger off the button. "Smoothie?" He offered her and she gulped. Her face turned green as she fought her body. 

"Coffee's fine," She croaked and grabbed a mug from the cupboard as Steve opened it.

He took out two glasses and filled them. He walked around the island as he slid one across to you. "I'll finish this and have a look at that shower."

-

While Kylie hosed down her dad's car, you worked at gathering the plastic cups littered across the backyard. Paper plates and napkins were strewn around the bin meant for them. Why had you even bothered?

You tied up the full bag and tossed it just outside the sliding door. You folded up the table and leaned it beside the trash. You collected the used towels and took them inside. After you'd use the net to scour the pool. You found your way to the laundry room by chance and dumped the towels into the tall washer.

You found the soap in the overhead cupboard and measured out a scoop. The buttons beeped as you searched for the right setting. You were proud when the machine began to whir quietly. You stepped back with hands on hips. You still had a lot of work to do.

"Gonna have to call a plumber," You spun and almost tripped over your own feet. Steve leaned in the door frame. His body filled it easily. No escape. "I'll only mess things up worse. But there's another room. Right next to mine."

You rubbed your arm and tried not to fidget. The way he looked at you made you want to melt. The thought of sleeping on the other side of his wall stoked your nerves further. You'd rather bunk with Kylie. Besides, there were at least several other rooms.

"It's alright, I can use Kylie's shower," You offered.

"I wouldn't hear of it. I want you comfortable." He neared and his hand slowly closed the door behind him. "Happy."

"Steve," You backed up as he came closer. He didn't stop until you were against the vibrating washer. 

"Didn't I make you happy?" His fingers walked along your thigh. "It sure sounded like it."

"Stop," You caught his hand. He turned it easily and twined his fingers in yours. He pressed himself flush against you. Your could feel his arousal. 

"I'm better with my mouth," His voice was low. "How far have you gone? Have you even been touched down there before?" He licked his lips, "Before me?"

You glanced away in shame. He knew. He could tell so easily. You wondered how many women he had fucked? Maybe just his wife. That would hint at a sudden mid-life crisis that had him chasing you. Or maybe he had fucked dozens of women and you were just another piece of meat.

"No one," You whispered. "Can I please...go?"

"You're more than free to leave," He rubbed his erection against you before he raised his hands and backed away. "I've already moved your stuff for you."

You edged away from the washer and kept your eyes on him. He merely turned to watch you go as he lowered his arms. He grabbed his crotch as you opened the door and you dove out into the hall. You felt the same tingle as the night before. The ripple just along your thighs. It was wrong. So wrong.

-

When you had finally returned the yard to its usual perfection, you retreated to Kylie's room. She needed a quiet night in and you weren't complaining. Youtube videos, gossip, and the occasional but comfortable lull. It reminded you of the nights you'd spent studying on campus. This was the Kylie you knew.

By eleven, she was out. She hadn't really recovered from her hangover and your own was still a stone at the base of your skull. Her snores were low at first but grew louder. You thought of staying in her room but you'd sleep less as she rumbled like a bear. You turned off her television and tucked her in. At least one of you would be well-rested.

You pulled her door shut gently. You listened to the house. An airy silence met you. You looked down the hall to Steve's door. No light shone from the space beneath. You sighed. He was probably already asleep. Hopefully.

You tiptoed down the hall, careful not to knock the standing vase or step on the single loose floorboard. When you reached your door, you grabbed the handle and slowly pressed the lever it. A gasp escaped you as it was pulled open from the other side.

"Got your bed all made up for you," Steve caught your arm and yanked you inside. You squeaked as the door shut swiftly. "Found some fresh sheets at last."

"What are you doing?" You tried to wriggle free of his grasp but he was strong.

"It's my house, I like to make sure all my guests are comfortable," He played with the sleeve of your shirt. "You and Kylie sounded like you were having fun."

"Get out," You grabbed his wrist but he didn't budge. 

"You can deny me but you can't deny yourself. The little looks you send me say it all." He slid his hand up and brought both to cradle your face. "You want it as bad as I do."

You trembled. You felt the pluck within. The tugging deep inside. It wasn't him, it was merely longing. The desire for something you'd never known. "No…" You breathed.

"Why are you shaking? Tell me," He urged. "I know it's not fear. Not of me. Only of yourself. Of the way I way you feel."

You tried to shake your head. You reached up and grasped his hands.

"Fuck, I've been hard all day." He groaned, "Longer."

"I-I-I--" You stuttered dumbly.

"Come on, sweetie, I just wanna make you feel good," He purred, "Help you enjoy your vacation. You've only got a few days left."

He guided you back and you let him. Was it fear? Was it desire? You weren't quite sure. He turned you carefully and edged you to the bed. Your legs hit the side and you struggled to stay on your feet.

"Just relax, sweetie," He cooed and his hands went to your shoulders. He pushed until you sat down.  

He got to his knees between your legs and his fingers crawled down to your chest. He groped you through the thin cotton of your tee. Your bra did little to hide your hard nipples. 

"You really are beautiful," He said, "Really."

You gripped the duvet. Your nerves buzzed and you shivered as his hands slid down your stomach. He kneaded your thighs and you grabbed his hands. "I don't know."

"We don't have to do everything. Not tonight," He turned his hands over and held yours. "We'll take it slow."

You looked into his eyes. You had said no already. He wouldn't accept it. And despite your protests, your resolve was slowly fading as your flesh caught fire. He let go of your hands and his large fingers went around your waist. You let him push you onto your back, your legs still over the edge.

He pushed under the hem of your tee and you closed your eyes. He tickled your stomach and ribs. Your breath caught and he cupped your tits. He squeezed them through your bra before slowly dragging his palms back down your torso.

He hooked his fingers in the elastic of your pants. He pulled them past your ass and down your legs. He moved between your knees again. His fingers grazed over your panties and you looked down as he bent his head over you. You felt his hot breath through the cotton and your leg twitched.

He grabbed your thighs and nuzzled you through your panties. He inhaled and you let out a pathetic mewl. His hand whispered along the inside of your leg and he slipped a finger beneath the crotch of your panties. He pushed the cotton aside and you felt his breath against you. You gasped. 

His other hand went to your waist, almost comforting you. He slowly pressed his tongue to your lips and delved past them. He flicked it up and down and lingered on your clit. You arched your back without thinking as you leaned into him. He swept his tongue in circles around your bud and the air caught in your throat. His mouth sent a charge of electricity through you like no other.

He pulled away, just a little and looked up at you. "It feels good, doesn't it?" He purred. "It feels right."

You bit your lip as you watched him lower his head again. His blue eyes held your as he tasted you and you squirmed. He hummed in delight and closed his eyes as he lapped you up. He held aside your panties as his saliva mixed with your arousal. He lifted your leg over his shoulder and you held yourself up with your arms.

You let out a surprised cry as the flurry gather around the tip of his tongue. You recalled the hazy flashes of the night before. You gulped as the air tried to rush from your lungs all at once. Your pants grew to airy moans and your hand found its way around the back of his neck. You came into his mouth as you clung to him. Shocked by the sensation; by your reaction; that you were latched onto him so fervently.

You released him and fell back on the bed. You touched your forehead but he didn't slop. He kept on until you felt the thrill again. Your thighs closed around his head and you bit the heel of your hand. Another orgasm peaked as quickly as the last. 

Slowly he sat back on his heels and you looked up at him as he pulled the crotch of your panties straight. He patted your pussy with two fingers and the fabric dampened beneath his touch. He stood, his lips glistening and his eyes smokey. 

"Tomorrow," He rubbed your knee, "I'll show you even more."

You were dazed as he retreated to the door. You didn't miss the bulge in his pants or the way he rubbed it. He groaned as the door handle clicked and you listened to him leave. You rolled onto your side and felt the slickness along your thighs. 

Tomorrow, the word echoed in your head. Your heart pounded. Was it excitement or fear?

-

tags will be added in reblog (late bc i work)

[fangirlxwritesx67]

Deeper Than Deep Conditioner

I picked up this prompt from @awesomesusiebstuff over at @cabin-fever-bang“ Prompt: The two Sam’s (our Sam and AU Sam) maintaining their hair care routines while quarantined.” All the thanks to @boondoctorwho @itmighthavebeenintentional and @there-must-be-a-lock for the beta. @there-must-be-a-lock gets credit for the title and the ending all at once. Thank you my dears.  ... Honestly after everything, the last thing the Winchesters were expecting was having to deal with more of themselves. They knew that Chuck, in his petty fit of rage, was destroying all the universes he had created. They knew in theory that there would be other Winchesters, other sets of Sam and Dean. They just never considered actually meeting any.  The Sam and Dean that came blurring through their bunker walls seemed specifically intended to cause them peak annoyance. The only reason they ever left them there alone was a need to trick Chuck, to beat him at his own game.  After that mission was over, the Winchester brothers dismissed their alternate selves. They sent them to Rio, to beaches, to a place of sun and sand far from their current battle to save their world. The minute they left, Sam turned to Dean. “Rio? Really? That was our happily ever after, the sand between our toes.” Dean shrugged, looking so sad and resigned that it broke Sam's heart. “Hey, at least somewhere some version of us gets our happy ending.”  Sam shook his head, long hair brushing his cheeks. For a moment, neither of them spoke. Finally he said,  “Dean, as long as we're together, I'm good." Dean threw an arm over his shoulder. “Me too; just don’t start wearing a manbun. Come on, let’s have a beer.” 

That night settled into the familiar bunker routine and each brother went to sleep in his bedroom. Dean dreamed of driving away, of bikini beauties on the beaches of Rio. Sam dreamed of scarves and what it would be like to have no bigger worries in the world than his hair.

The Winchesters woke up to voices in their kitchen and rushed in, weapons drawn. There was the alternate pair of them, suddenly returned.

“Sorry, sweethearts,” alt!Dean said, “Flights are all cancelled. A virus or something.”

Alt!Sam nodded with a little pout. “And I had already booked a full weekend of spa treatments in Rio!” 

The original Winchesters sighed. 

“Sit down,” Dean commanded, in a voice that brooked no argument. Even his alternate self obeyed. He returned to the table in the kitchen with four coffee mugs and a big bottle of Jameson. Each man took a mug.

“Is there cream?” asked alt!Sam. The look Dean gave him would’ve curdled milk, if there was any, which there wasn’t, because Dean took his coffee black, like a man. 

Sam and Dean gave one another a long hard look. Sam nodded, deferring to Dean. He turned to their other world selves. 

“You can stay here,” he began. “This is a safe place, but it’s safe for a reason. You have to abide by the rules.” 

The alt!WInchesters nodded earnestly.

“And here’s the thing,” Sam added. “I’m Sam, he’s Dean. It's too confusing to have two of each. You have to pick something else.” 

The other pair of brothers spoke in whispers for a long moment before turning to face their other selves. “I’m okay with Deano. And he - he’s-” “Sami!” he said with a smirk. Sam rolled his eyes. 

Dean and Sam took Deano and Sami on a short tour of the bunker, showing them to a set of adjoining rooms across the hall from theirs. 

Dinner that night was a fractured affair. Cas prepared sandwiches. He knew how keenly humans loved them. Something told him that a meal where everyone could choose would be the best thing for the very different and divided Winchester brothers that were suddenly doubled in the bunker. 

Dean and Deano seemed to be in a competition for who could pack the most meat and tomatoes and bread together, but eventually they each picked up a carefully layered sandwich. Dean swiped a six pack of beer and they headed down the hall. 

“We’ll be in the Dean cave,” one of them called over his shoulder. Once they were gone, the two Sams looked at one another. 

“I like a good sandwich, but honestly,” Sam shook his head.

“A salad is better after all.” said Sami. 

Sam wanted to disagree, but he couldn’t. The two of them dug into the fridge for vegetables and dressings. Finally they both settled on opposite sides of the kitchen table. 

“Is this really how you live?” said Sami, with a dismissive glance at his paper napkin. “Look,” Sam answered. “I’ve done my best. It’s taken a lot to get us this far.”

They both retreated to the comfortable solitude of their phones while they ate. Before too long, they were showing one another new stories, pages, and memes. They began to laugh and relax together. 

It was later, much later, after falling into more than one internet rabbit hole, that Sam and Sami parted, with a promise to go running together tomorrow. 

They met before sunrise at the door of the bunker. Side by side both Sams strode out into the predawn fog. They settled easily into a matching pace. They were one another, after all. As the sun rose, they returned to the bunker.

“Meet me in the shower,” Sam tossed out. 

Sami edged into the shower room soon after. “We didn’t get to bring much when we came from our world to here.” 

“That’s fine, come on,” Sam gestured from under a steamy shower. 

“But, but,” Sami hesitated, “What about our hair?” 

“Our hair?” Sam half turned and held out a bottle of Suave 3 in 1 body wash, shampoo and conditioner. 

Sami cringed, noticeably. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“Why?” asked Sam, “It works just fine.” He shook his head like a puppy, spraying water everywhere in the shower room.

“Ugh,” Sami responded. He rinsed his hair with, notably, just water. 

The two of them made their way to the kitchen. Sam was making a smoothie when Sami appeared. He quickly added his own ideas and suggestions. Most of the fruits and vegetables in the bunker kitchen ended up in the blender before they both enjoyed a post-run drink. 

“So,” said Sam eventually. “I think I’ll go to the library.”

“Or,” Sami rejoined,” We could go to Ulta. Your hair care regimen is positively barbaric. It’s honestly an affront to us all that you manage to look as good as you do.”

Sam shrugged. “Ulta is closed.”

Sami pounced on that. “So you know-?”

“Look, I’m no haircare expert. But basically all that’s open now is Walmart.” 

It took some convincing, but eventually Sam and Sami rolled up to Walmart in the Impala. Sami scoffed before they went in, but Sam silenced him with a hard look. 

The hair care aisle was long, and well stocked. Not all the salon brands Sami was used to, but plenty of good stuff. He kept pointing to bottles that cost $15 or more, while Sam shook his head. 

Finally he broke down in exasperation. “Why, what do you use to make your hair so perfect?”

“I just wash it and then-” Sam tossed his head and his hair settled back in perfect waves around his face. 

“Ugh,” Sami scoffed. “How? That’s so unfair.” 

Sam shrugged. "It’s not like it ever seemed to matter. We were always busy with more urgent things. Like, saving the world."

Sami protested. "But, but, my hair is sacred. It's worth the time and effort."

Eventually the two of them moved on from the shampoo aisle -- basket full -- to the produce section. 

That night for dinner they enjoyed a cold quinoa salad with tomato, cucumber and avocado. Their brothers were off somewhere else, probably trying to find the best takeout cheeseburgers and extra crispy fries in the state. It was oddly peaceful, just the two of them.

After eating, Sami stood up. “We have plenty of time for a hair treatment, now."

Sam looked at him, baffled.

Sami pulled some things out of the Walmart bag. “I know it’s generic, but these deep conditioners are better than nothing.” 

Sam scoffed but finally gave in and combed deep conditioner into his hair before wrapping it in a bag. The final touch was knotting a towel around his head. He laughed, before he looked at Sami. 

His alternate self was taking this so very seriously. Apparently, somewhere out there, was a universe where he pampered himself. Maybe there, everything wasn’t life or death. Maybe there was a place where he could enjoy something as simple as a deep condition. 

Sami pulled up a BBC show on the laptop, something Sam had wanted to watch but never had time for.  It was a little silly and very nerdy. But for the first time in a long time, he caught himself laughing while he watched it. When the first episode was over, Sami nodded towards the showers. 

Sam rinsed and combed and dried his hair. It had never felt more soft, more perfect. More importantly, though, he felt relaxed. He felt like it was okay to take the time on something as frivolous as a hair treatment. Call it “self care,” he thought to himself. 

Sam Winchester woke up with his own fingers pulling his hair. Had it all been a dream? He sat up slowly, a hollow feeling of loss settling in his chest. He shook his head as reality began to sink in.

His last faint trace of hope disappeared the moment he wandered to the kitchen. There was no pile of fresh produce waiting for smoothies, no leftover quinoa salad. None of it had happened. 

The alternate version of Sam and Dean were gone, and with them the sort of life that had time for hair treatments and self care. His universe had no space for indulgences like that. Toes in the sand in Rio was a fantasy, nothing more. 

Sam stumbled into the bunker shower, his thoughts heavy. He should've known it was too good to be true. There wasn't a happy ending for him and Dean, not in this universe. He sighed as he picked up the 3 in 1 body wash, shampoo and conditioner.

He smiled sadly and shook his head. His sense of disappointment went deeper than deep conditioner. He sighed and watched the soapy water swirl down the drain. ...

SPN First Last and Always: @boondoctorwho @dawnie1988 @deanwanddamons @divadinag @flamencodiva @fookinghelljensensthighs @idreamofplaid @kalesrebellion @maddiepants @magssteenkamp @onethirstyunicorn   @the-chocolate-moose  @there-must-be-a-lock @tloveswriting

Sam Girl For Life: @awesomesusiebstuff @lilsylvia @winchesterxfamilybusiness

Dean Curious: @adoptdontshoppets @awesomesusiebstuff @deangirl7695 @deans-baby-momma  @mrsjenniferwinchester @stoneyggirl @supersassyprobablysad @wayward-gypsy @winchesterxfamilybusiness

[pigsiescribe]

Comfortember 9: Confession

(This is another snippet of one of my stories from my dA account, AvocadoAfro 🥑 In it, Rupert and Pisa had not spoken for about a year, except for an impromptu shopping trip. Pisa was caught in a house fire set by an arsonist, and is currently in a hospital, receiving treatment for the burns mostly on her back.)

There was a knock before the subtle creak of the heavy door being opened. What loser would come to a hospital at 7 at night?... Oh. That loser. "Hello, Rupert," Pisa greeted in a flat tone. "To what do I owe this pleasure? Sorry I can't make myself more presentable." For some reason, the fact that he was wearing his usual Lolita outfits while she was wearing a hospital gown with tubes coming out of her body was oddly infuriating. "I, uh... I heard what happened on the news," he admitted sheepishly. "And, I did some research and I asked the dieticians here what would be good food to bring you." He presented a lunch cooler and placed it on the meal tray by Pisa (with an unusually heavy "thud") before unloading it, explaining his choices as he went. "I don't know if you're still on your period, but I brought some grilled cheese sandwiches. Cheddar, of course, on whole wheat. They might be a little tepid now, but still edible. I tried to keep them warm on the way here. And I have some onion gratin soup, and some cheese if you wanted to sprinkle it in. I know you're supposed to have cream-based soups with meat in it, but I figured the cheese added some nutrients. And, if you DID want some meat, because I know you like beef, I have a hamburger casserole here. And here's my grandmother's meatball sausage veggie casserole; it has beef and veggies, so that's nutritious." Suddenly, his voice began faltering. "But then I thought, you know, you just got burned and probably went through a billion operations, so your appetite might not be normal, so I got some more simple stuff. I have some... some apples and peanut butter and crackers and celery and carrots and some cheese dip. And, and some smoothies! There's one with bananas and peanut butter and chocolate, and there's one with orange sherbet and vanilla yogurt, and there's one with vanilla ice cream and orange juice and mango." Tears began escaping his eyes, but he forced a rather pathetic smile. "So, so dig in. Pick whichever you want."

Pisa stared at all the various storage containers now cluttering the tray space, some stacked on top of each other because the tray couldn't possibly accommodate them all. "Um... I appreciate the sentiment, but you brought way too much." There was probably enough to share with the entire hospital staff. "You know you don't have to do this, right?"

"I know..." Rupert bowed his head, trembling while trying to hide his tears. "But... but..." He brought his head back up and looked her straight in the eyes. "Fiance or not, I care about you, dammit! I don't care what my parents say, Pisa. I'm sorry that I ignored you all this time. I've never been so ashamed in all my life. You were always there when I needed you, and when you lost your family and your home, I was too much of a lily-livered Lolita to even have a phone call with you. When I saw you at the mall, I thought I could show you how sorry I am by giving you all those gifts--you know, to show I cared--because I didn't know how to say it. And then I saw you on the news, being carried into an ambulance, and you weren't opening your eyes..." He took a few shuddering breaths, wiping his eyes on his sleeves. "I understand if you hate me, and I understand if you never want to see me again. I wouldn't want to see me again either. Just say the word, and I promise I'll leave and never come back." "I don't hate you, Rupert," Pisa assured him, placing a hand on his shoulder and smiling warmly, a few tears escaping her eyes. "You're one of the best friends I ever had. It really did hurt when you wouldn't answer my calls, but honestly, I just wanted to hear you say that you were sorry. Saying 'sorry' and meaning it shows that you care... and that you don't hate me. I promise, when these bandages are off my back, I'll come by and give you a hug, okay?"

"Okay," he nodded before taking out a handkerchief, wiping his tears and blowing his nose.