#makes me wonder if anyone else has ever experienced something similar to this

[bluegekk0]

Bit of a ramble about something that's been on a mind for a while, about HK and the AU. Not really a vent, but just wanted to talk about it. It's pretty long so I'll hide it.

My relationship with HK these days is a bit complicated, to be honest. I absolutely adore the game, I get this warm feeling every time I hear the soundtrack and I still get the itch to replay it from time to time. It's a work for art and I'm so, so grateful I played it, even if I was quite late to the party all things considered.

But I can't deny that I fell into the rabbithole of having too many headcanons where I can't engage with other people to the extent I perhaps used to. I don't like many of the popular characters nearly as much as the fandom does, and those that are close to my heart I interpret in a way that speaks to me, but one that feels very distant to how other people view them.

It has some downsides. I avoid looking up HK fanart and I'm slowly starting to dislike getting posts about it recommended to me in the For You tab a little bit. Not because the art is bad, far from it, there are incredible artists and other members of this community that deserve all the love in the world. It's just that it keeps reminding me that my interpretations are so personal, and headcanons that go against them almost feel like mischaracterization, as ridiculous as it sounds. Some interpretations end up upsetting me more than I'd like, too. Some of it is misinterpretations that annoy me, but some are just things I personally don't agree with.

But part of me makes me think that it's my fault somehow. I can't quite explain it, I think this is somehow rooted in my self-esteem issues. I often fear that I don't belong, that I'm doing something wrong by not following the general fanon, that my AU feels like an insult against the canon because of how derived and self-indulgent it is. I didn't have that problem before, not to this extent, but as my mental health got worse over the months, it makes sense that something like this would also start to make itself known. Or at least it makes sense to me.

So deep down I'm torn. On one hand, I get weirdly protective over my interpretations and it's gone to the point where I struggle to separate them from the versions other people talk about. On the other, I'm starting to feel guilty that my AU versions are so different that they might upset some people.

I had some moments where I considered turning them into OCs. But every time I I think about that, I reach the conclusion that no, I don't want to do that. I love them the way they are, despite their designs evolving with time, I wouldn't want to change anything about them, let alone turn them into different characters. And it's not like I'm really changing the character from the canon. Some details are different, but it's also easy to forget that we don't really know much about a lot of these characters, so in many ways I'm just filling the blanks and writing the story around it. Not to mention, adapting canon in ways that I find personally engaging is one of my favorite things about the worldbuilding and lore of the AU. And then there's all the engagement from people who like the AU and want to learn more that is genuinely the main reason why it's as expansive as it is. I don't think I would've stuck around making art for it for this long if I was doing it for myself only.

But it's not just art, knowing that people care, and getting all the interesting ideas I haven't considered inspires me to expand the world of the AU even further, I think about it in my spare time, of all the ways I could develop the world, I still get random ideas for it that I eventually want to include, I read about something in the game's lore and I immediately think of the way I could adapt it into my AU. It became a personal project that I find comfort in, and changing it would just feel wrong. And I know how my brain works (well, at least I think I do), I know I wouldn't remain as invested if I were by myself, I need to share it with other people. And I doubt they would be as interested if it wasn't for the connection to HK. I think that's natural and to be expected.

So all that leaves me in a bit of an awkward spot. I love HK, but over the last year I built a wall around me and the sandbox of my personal interpretations, that creates this disconnect between me and the rest of the fandom. I don't think that fact alone makes me upset, either. There's a reason why I'm still sitting there and playing in that sandbox to this day, and it's because I genuinely love doing it. I guess the disconnect just feeds into my already existing confidence issues and worries. Then again, I haven't really left the fandom, and I'm not planning to anytime soon. All I'm hoping for is that my low-confidence plagued brain improves, and stops telling me I'm doing something wrong by playing in the sandbox by myself.

Okay, not by myself, that would be selfish of me to say. There's still a lot of you here, people whom my silly AU clicked with, people who want to see more of it and are still there for the 6th slice of life drawing of the week. I love and appreciate you all, and I'm really grateful I can share the sandbox with you. You're the best, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so, so happy that you found something in my art that resonated with you.

I don't know how to end this post tbh. Again, it's not really meant to be a vent post, not the usual kind at least. Even if some things about this frustrate or upset me a little bit, I think I'm slowly moving towards the acceptance stage. I don't want to change my interpretations so they're more in line with the rest of the fandom, and I don't want to force myself to engage with things that upset me just to feel like I belong. All I'm hoping is that I eventually stop having doubts; about this, and everything in general.

I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts. Maybe someone else feels like they're in a similar spot. Maybe hearing some words of encouragement that I'm not going insane with this would also help me accept the position I'm in. Maybe it's Maybelline.

[mrsfancyferrari]

You Know Me Best

Summary: Charles has a bad day and you as his best friend always knows what he wants, but do you really?

Song: Friends by Chase Atlantic

Author’s note: This is similar to Just One Kiss but the ending is the different and spicy version. This is my first time writing an erotic scene so please just give constructive criticism. I just want to keep celebrating Charles' win T_T

Word count: 3.6k

Charles Leclerc experienced a challenging day on the track, and as his best friend, you noticed his need for comfort and reassurance. Charles has always been known for being incredibly intuitive, and you knew that he wanted to unwind and seek solace in his favorite activities.

Whenever Charles feels overwhelmed or stressed, he tends to crave comfort food. You know that he can always count on you to bring him his favorite treats, whether it's a bowl of warm homemade soup or a delicious sandwich.

You knew that providing him with one of his favorite foods would provide him with a sense of comfort and stability.

Throughout the day, you noticed a newfound attentiveness among the team members and fans alike. They knew that Charles was having a bad day, and they couldn't help but notice the changes in his behavior.

Whether it was his distracted demeanor or the way he constantly sought out your comfort, everyone realized that something was amiss.

However, what no one realized was that you were the one who understood Charles better than anyone else.

You knew exactly what he needed, and you were determined to bring him the comfort and reassurance he craved.

Throughout the years, you made sure that Charles had his favorite meals, whether it was sneaking him a few bites of dessert during team meetings or surprising him with a late-night snack.

You knew that these small gestures would make a difference, helping him regain his footing and regain his confidence.

"Are you sure you're not married or something?" Daniel joked to you as he watched you give Charles some snacks.

"No, just really good friends," you replied with a laugh. "But sometimes it feels like we're practically married with how well I know him."

Daniel chuckled and said, "Well, if you ever decide to tie the knot, I hope you'll remember to invite me to the wedding. I wouldn't want to miss out on witnessing such a perfect match!"

"Of course, Daniel! You'll be at the top of the guest list," you replied, grateful for the lighthearted moment amidst the tension.

What you didn't know was that Charles was listening to your conversation. As he overheard Daniel's comment about you two being a perfect match, a small smile formed on his face, and he couldn't help but wonder if there was more to your friendship than he had realized.

Your friendship with Charles runs deep, rooted in years of shared experiences and unwavering support. From late-night conversations to celebrating each other's successes, you have been there for each other through thick and thin.

Charles knows that your understanding of him goes beyond mere comfort food, and he cherishes the bond you share.

But as the smile lingered on his face, Charles couldn't help but wonder if there was a chance for something more than just friendship between the two of you.

The thought had crossed his mind before, but now, listening to your conversation with Daniel, it seemed like the universe was teasing him with the possibility of a deeper connection. . . .

The thought of a deeper connection with Charles had always lingered in your heart, but fear had held you back from taking any action. You were in love with him, and had been for as long as you could remember, but the risk of losing the friendship you cherished so much had always been too great.

As you watched Charles zoom around the Monaco track in his racing car, gripping onto your seat in the paddock, a surge of emotions washed over you. The adrenaline, the excitement, and the undeniable sense of pride in seeing him pursue his passion ignited a fire within you.

The roar of the engine filled the air as Charles sped past, his car a blur of color. A mix of excitement and anxiety washed over you, causing your heart to race in sync with the car.

As you held your breath, you couldn't help but notice the fierce competition from Max Verstappen and Lando Norris, who were hot on Charles' heels, ready to seize any opportunity to overtake him.

The race was far from over, and the tension only grew as the laps ticked by, making you wonder if Charles would be able to maintain his lead until the end.

The race intensified with each passing lap, as Charles skillfully navigated the twists and turns of the Monaco track. He expertly maneuvered his car, pushing it to its limits, while Max Verstappen and Lando Norris continued to apply relentless pressure. The crowd erupted with excitement, their cheers echoing through the air, as the three drivers engaged in a thrilling battle for the top spot.

Every move, every split-second decision, held the potential to determine the outcome of the race. The tension was palpable as the cars zoomed past, their engines roaring and tires screeching, creating a symphony of speed.

With each passing lap, the stakes grew higher, fueling the adrenaline coursing through your veins. As the race entered its final stages, every corner became a make-or-break moment, and you held your breath, praying for Charles to maintain his lead until the checkered flag.

As soon as he crossed the finish line, everyone jumped up from their seats, including you. The air was filled with a mix of cheers, applause, and jubilation as Charles secured the victory he had fought so hard for.

Emotions overwhelmed you, and you couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of pride and joy for him.

You rushed to the podium, eager to congratulate Charles on his well-deserved win. Your heart swelled with pride as you embraced him, knowing that your unwavering support had played a small part in his momentous victory.

Charles stepped out of his racing car, his face beaming with a mixture of exhaustion and triumph. The crowd erupted into a thunderous applause, recognizing his incredible skill and determination in securing the hard-fought victory.

When he finally found you, Charles quickly hugged you tightly, his grip filled with gratitude and genuine appreciation.

The bond between you and Charles had grown stronger through countless races, and this victory was a testament to the unwavering support and belief you had in each other.

As his head was tucked into your neck, you gently stroked his hair in response, feeling the weight of his exhaustion and the elation of his triumph. In that moment, you knew that all the sacrifices, the late nights, and the unwavering support were worth it, as you celebrated this unforgettable victory together.

"You did it," you whispered, your voice filled with pride and admiration. "All your hard work and determination paid off. I couldn't be happier for you."

Charles smiled against your neck and whispered back, "Thank you for always believing in me. I couldn't have done it without you."

Charles then let go of you and looked into your eyes before saying, "Can you meet me in my driver's room after? I have something important to discuss with you."

"Sure," you nodded as he was taken away by a staff member. As you watched Charles disappear into the crowd, your mind raced with anticipation, wondering what he could possibly have to discuss with you.

As you watched Charles make his way to the podium, you couldn't help but feel a sense of awe and admiration for his remarkable achievement. The sight of him standing tall, his face glowing with a mixture of exhaustion and triumph, filled you with immense pride.

It was a moment that would forever be etched in your memory, a testament to the years of hard work and determination that had brought him to this point.

"He likes you, you know,"

Startled by Arthur Leclerc's sudden appearance, you turned to face him with a surprised expression. "What do you mean?" you asked, curious about his comment.

Arthur smirked mischievously and replied, "Oh, come on. It's obvious. Charles talks about you all the time. I think he's finally ready to take your relationship to the next level."

You laughed nervously, shaking your head. "Oh, Arthur, you've got it all wrong. Charles and I are just friends."

Arthur's eyebrows raised at your comment. "Maman says otherwise, she's always talking about you," he said with a smirk.

You felt a mix of surprise and curiosity, wondering what Charles' mother could possibly be saying about you.

"Just know that the family will welcome you in with open arms if you two get together," Arthur added, his mischievous smirk widening. As he walked away, leaving you with a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, you couldn't help but wonder if there was something more between you and Charles than just friendship.

As Charles stood on the podium, he couldn't help but feel a surge of gratitude and honor as the Prince of Monaco handed him the golden trophy. The gleaming trophy symbolized not only his extraordinary victory, but also the recognition and respect he had earned from the racing community and the world at large.

In that moment, as the national anthem played and Charles made a point to lock eyes with you, it felt like a silent affirmation of his feelings. The intensity of his gaze left you with no doubt that there was something more than friendship between you two, and you couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement and anticipation for what the future might hold.

In that moment, you couldn't deny the warmth that spread through your chest, matching the pride evident in his eyes. As the applause filled the air, you realized that your own feelings for Charles had grown deeper than you had allowed yourself to admit.

The future suddenly seemed full of possibilities, and you couldn't wait to explore them together. . . .

As the celebrations continued, you found yourself caught up in the whirlwind of joy and excitement surrounding Charles and Ferrari's victory. The atmosphere was electric, filled with cheers, laughter, and the clinking of champagne glasses.

In that moment, you couldn't help but feel a surge of happiness for Charles and a deep sense of pride for being a part of his journey.

A staff member approached you with a message, informing you that Charles was looking for you amidst the celebrations.

As your heart raced with anticipation, you couldn't help but wonder what he wanted to say and how this momentous victory would further solidify the bond between you.

"Charles wants to see you," they said, their voice filled with urgency. Intrigued and slightly nervous, you followed the staff member through the crowd and made your way to Charles' private suite.

As you knocked on the door, your heart raced with anticipation, wondering what Charles wanted to discuss with you in this intimate setting.

As you wait for Charles to open the door, a mix of excitement and nervousness floods your senses. Your heart pounds in your chest, and your mind races with possibilities of what he might say.

In this moment, every second feels like an eternity, and you can't help but wonder how this conversation will shape the future of your relationship.

You heard the sound of footsteps growing louder and closer to the door, causing your anticipation to heighten. Each step seemed to echo in your ears, building up the tension and making you even more eager to see Charles and hear what he had to say.

As you heard the footsteps come closer to the door, your anticipation grew. The sound of Charles' voice calling your name sent a thrill through your entire body, and you couldn't wait to see the expression on his face as he opened the door.

"Yes, it's me Charles," you responded, a smile spreading across your face.

The door swung open, revealing Charles with a mixture of excitement and nervousness mirrored in his eyes.

When you met Charles' gaze, there was something in his eyes that took your breath away: a blend of lust and desire that took you by surprise.

His eyes scanned your whole body slowly, taking in every detail with an intensity that made your heart skip a beat. It was as if he was seeing you for the first time, his gaze filled with a newfound appreciation and longing.

As his eyes scanned your whole body slowly, you felt a shiver run down your spine. It was as if he was undressing you with his gaze, his desire palpable in the air. You couldn't help but feel a surge of anticipation, wondering what he had in mind for the two of you.

It was as if he was taking in every detail, every curve, every nuance, and savoring the moment.

"Charles?"

For a brief moment, Charles blinked and locked eyes with you, seemingly forgetting the intimate setting you were in. The intensity of his gaze broke the tension, and you could sense a deep connection forming between you.

It was as if the world around you faded away, leaving only the two of you in that moment.

"Come in," he said, widening the door for you, his voice filled with a mixture of anticipation and vulnerability. As you stepped inside, the outside world seemed to disappear, leaving only the possibility of what this conversation could bring.

"What is it that you wanted to talk about, Charles?" you asked, your voice filled with curiosity and a hint of nervousness.

Charles took a deep breath and looked into your eyes, his voice steady yet filled with a hint of vulnerability. "I wanted to talk about us," he whispered, his words hanging in the air

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you, something I've been holding back for far too long.

You nodded, encouraging him to say it, your heart pounding with anticipation. The words hung in the air, and you could feel the weight of his confession building.

Charles took a deep breath and looked into your eyes, his voice filled with sincerity. "I wanted to talk about us," he began, his words hanging in the air. "I've realized that I can't ignore my feelings for you any longer. I've fallen in love with you."

Your eyes widened at his statement, unable to believe what you were hearing. The room fell silent as you processed his words, your heart racing with a mix of excitement and uncertainty.

"Oh no, I knew it wasn't going to work," Charles muttered into his hands, taking your silence as an assumption that you rejected him. But little did he know, your silence was not a sign of rejection, but rather a moment of shock and disbelief.

You were quick to realize that Charles misunderstood your silence, so you walked over to him and gently took his hands off his face, meeting his eyes with a reassuring gaze.

As his scared eyes met your excited eyes, a moment of vulnerability passed between you. You could see the fear of rejection lingering in his gaze, while your eyes reflected a mixture of surprise and joy. In that instant, you knew that this confession meant as much to him as it did to you, and you couldn't help but feel a surge of warmth and affection for him.

"I love you too, Charles," you whispered as you cupped his cheeks gently. The weight of his confession lifted off both of you, replaced by an overwhelming sense of happiness and relief.

In that moment, Charles couldn't contain his joy and excitement. He quickly pulled you into a tight embrace, wrapping his hands around your waist, as if afraid that you might slip away.

The warmth of his embrace reassured you that his love was genuine, and you couldn't help but melt into his arms, feeling a sense of safety and belonging that you had longed for.

"Can I?" he muttered, pulling back from the hug enough to stare at your lips. The intense desire in his eyes matched the longing in his voice, as if he was seeking permission to seal his confession with a passionate kiss.

Without hesitation, you leaned in, closing the distance between your lips. The moment your mouths met, a surge of electricity coursed through your bodies, igniting a fire that had been simmering between you. The kiss was passionate and filled with all the pent-up emotions that had been building since the moment you met.

As your lips met, a wave of butterflies fluttered in your stomach, a tingling sensation spread through your chest, and your knees felt weak with anticipation.

The intensity of the kiss confirmed that the connection between you and Charles was not only emotional, but also physical, leaving you both breathless and craving for more. . . .

Their bodies moved as one, their hands exploring every inch of each other's skin. Their breaths intertwined in a symphony of desire as they surrendered to the heat of their passion.

Soft moans escaped their lips, mingling with whispered words of love and longing. In the midst of their ecstasy, their eyes locked, conveying a depth of connection that words could never capture.

"I've waited so long for this," Charles whispered, his voice filled with a mix of awe and adoration.

"Me too," you responded, your voice laced with pure bliss.

In that intimate moment, every touch felt like the caress of silk against skin. Your fingertips danced across each other's bare flesh, creating a symphony of pleasure that sent shivers down your spine.

Charles carried you onto the sofa, laying you down as he kneeled over you, his eyes filled with a hunger that matched your own.

You gasp as Charles's lips make contact with your neck, his touch sending electric currents through your body.

The sensation of his warm breath against your skin intensifies the desire pooling within you, as you arch your neck, granting him further access to explore the depths of your pleasure.

Charles' hands moved with purpose, skillfully undoing the buttons of your blouse one by one. As each article of clothing fell away, he whispered seductive words of praise and desire in your ear, igniting a deeper sense of arousal within you.

You surrendered to his words, intoxicated by the way he took control and unleashed a wave of passion that consumed you both.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured, his voice dripping with desire. "I want to explore every inch of you, to taste every part of your pleasure."

His words sent shivers down your spine, fueling your desire and leaving you yearning for more of his commanding touch.

You respond with a low, sultry moan, your body arching further into his touch, silently begging for more. The sound of your moans only adds to Charles's desire, fueling his determination to fulfill your every craving and ignite a passion that would consume you both. "I want you, Y/N," he said, his voice low and husky. "I want you so badly."

The intensity of your desire could be seen in your eyes when you looked up at him.

"I want you too, Charles," you said, biting your lower lip.

"You're so beautiful," he said, his voice filled with awe. "I can't believe you're mine."

You smiled up at him, your eyes filled with love.

"I'm all yours, Charles," you said, reaching up to pull him down on top of you.

Charles didn't waste any time. He kissed you deeply, your tongues dancing together in a passionate embrace. He ran his hands over your body, feeling every curve and contour.

"Fuck, Y/N, you feel amazing," he said, his breath hot against your ear.

You moaned, your body writhing beneath him.

"Charles, please," you begged, your voice barely above a whisper. "I need you inside me."

Charles didn't need any more encouragement. He positioned himself at your entrance, his dick throbbing with need.

"Are you ready for me, Y/N?" he asked, his voice low and seductive.

You nodded, your eyes wide with desire.

"Yes, Charles, I'm ready," you said, your voice trembling with anticipation.

Charles pushed inside you, feeling your tight warmth surround him. He groaned with pleasure, his hips moving in a slow, steady rhythm.

"Fuck, Y/N, you feel so good," he said, his voice filled with wonder.

You moaned, your fingers digging into his back, as Charles continued to move inside you, each thrust sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body.

"Charles, don't stop," you begged, your hips meeting his with every thrust.

Charles couldn't stop if he wanted to. He was lost in the pleasure of being inside you, of feeling your body respond to his touch.

"Come for me, Y/N," he said, his voice husky with desire. "I want to feel you come apart in my arms." "I'm so close, Charles," you gasped, your voice filled with desperation. "Please, don't stop."

Charles's movements became faster and more intense, his breathing ragged. "I won't stop, Y/N," he growled, his voice filled with determination. "I want you to come for me, to lose yourself in pleasure."

The room filled with the sounds of your moans and the rhythmic slapping of your bodies coming together. As the intensity built, you felt yourself teetering on the edge, ready to fall into ecstasy.

And then, with one final thrust, you shattered, your body convulsing with pleasure as waves of orgasm washed over you.

Charles kissed your forehead gently. "I promise, Y/N. I'll never let you go. You're my everything."

And in that moment, as you melted into each other's arms, you knew that this was a love that would withstand any obstacle. . . .

[mythicmanuscripts]

Crybaby Aegon has to be one of the canon hc there is. Maybe something like Aegon thinking his wife or a brothel worker he’s been taken with is being distant and he panics and thinks he did something wrong. When in truth they probably have just had a lot to think about lately or just didn’t notice. Following up with a lot of attention and reassuring?

In NSFW form I feel like reader would probably tell Aegon to let her show him how much she cherishes him, gives him a bunch of kisses during love making and soft praises

God I love crybaby!aegon. I ended up doing this with wife!reader but I'd be happy to discuss a similar topic with a brothel worker if you guys would want that, so just let me know!

There's nothing too explicit in this but there's definitely some implied sexual content and also is definitely sub!aegon so I'll hide it behind a cut just in case

I think this is something that could happen very easily once your marriage with Aegon starts to become more of a proper relationship?? Once Aegon starts to submit to you, it's like a switch flips in his head and he has absolutely zero interest in anyone else ever. Of course he's also very needy.

The biggest problem is that once Aegon starts subbing, you really have to make sure to keep a close eye on him because he so desperately wants to please you. Especially in the start when he's still feeling like he'll never be good enough for anything and certainly not good enough to keep someone like you in love.

Aegon feeds off your energy and praise, his entire face lighting up every time you give him attention. You're the only person whose guidance doesn't feel patronising or insulting, and you just make him feel so safe.

He hates being away from you and that's especially try the day after he's done something intense with you. So maybe this happens after the first thing really intense kink thing you did? Like maybe you use pain play for the first time or bondage or very intense overstimulation. Whatever it is, it leaves Aegon floating in subspace and feeling absolutely incredible.

But then the next day he wakes up to an empty bed. You had told him the night before that there was a breakfast you had to attend with some other nobles, but of course this slips his mind completely because he's still groggy and he thought he'd get to spend the morning cuddling.

Aegon has never experienced anything as intense and hardcore as what you did the night before and while of course he absolutely loved it, he now suddenly doesn't feel so good because you weren't there when he woke. If this were later on in the relationship then he would have no problem ordering a guard to track you down and bring you back on the king's orders.

But this is only the start, where Aegon just starting submitting properly but he's still not sure how much he can ask for outside of the bedroom. So the poor thing little thing just hugs your pillow and tries not to cry until eventually a servant arrives inform him that it is time to get dressed and start the day. He does this of course, mostly because he knows you don't want him avoiding his duties.

Throughout the morning he keeps on glancing around, trying to see where you are because surely you would come find him? Right? You wouldn't just leave him alone all day? Would you?

Your day ends being one chaotic mess after another, and you don't get to see Aegon at all.

Aegon, meanwhile, is now starting to think he did something wrong or disappointed you in some way. He starts to think back to the night before, of how he clung to you afterwards and how you had to hold him tight and wipe away his tears. At the time, he felt safe and good and the right side of overwhelmed. He felt like you really cared and would take good care of him, but now that he hasn't seen you all day he begins to wonder if maybe he was wrong about that? Maybe you weren't pleased.

You dont know any of this is ongoing because you're far too busy putting out fires left right and centre.

Eventually when the day comes to an end and you sit down for dinner, aegon isnt there? You ask Aemond and Alicent and they both say they haven't seen him. A guards steps in then and says the king has requested to have dinner in his chambers. That immediately sets off alarm bells in your head and you tell the guard to ensure your dinner is also served in your chambers and then quickly run up to him.

You find him on the bed sitting crossed legged and hugging your pillow. He looks so small like that, like you could break him in half with one finger.

He looks up when you enter and he's apologising before you can even close the door. You have no idea what he's on about, but he's clearly upset and far too worked up to explain right then so you just grab him and pull him into a hug until he can form coherent sentences again.

Once this ability returns to him, he mumbles his apologies again and promises to be less needy. You still have no idea what he's going on about and when you say this, he eventually manages to get out that he thought you were avoiding him because he did something bad last night.

It breaks you heart to realise your darling sub went the whole day thinking he had upset you when that wouldnt be further from the truth. You explain that to him and he starts crying again, but this time it's relief.

The next morning you have a talk with him about it and he explains how bad he felt after waking up alone. You suggest a new rule that you always spend at least the morning with him if you've done somehow particularly hardcore the night before and while aegon tries to say this isnt necessary at first, he can't deny how much that would help him.

I think in the end you end up having to tell him that he's your good boy, and so you have to look after your good boy. If he needs you to stay with him the next morning, then that is exactly what he will get because he's your darling.

[intimidating-fettuccine]

I’m so excited because I got out of class early and I had time to make sure this ask was ready to go

Let me know if this doesn’t quite make sense, and I’ll try to clarify, but:

—

Jeff seeing/knowing his s/o died in a fight, but seeing them alive and well two years later, obvious they had been alive those two years, but they have no memory of him or any of the time they spent with Jeff. Bonus sad points if they were married or had some sort of matching thing so s/o KNOWS something was up with the two of them, but they don’t remember.

—

Feel free to use this prompt for anyone else you wanna write for :D

I hope you enjoy! This got super extremely long because I was feeling inspired ^^' I hope you're fine with the direction I took this in :)

It destroyed him. Watching you die that day was the most difficult thing he's ever had to cope with in his entire life, and he still struggles to cope with it some days even two years later. He's spent so long mourning your loss, that when he sees you walking around one day he thinks it must be a hallucination or someone that just looks far too similar to you, and he continues on his way. At least, until he hears that incredibly familiar laugh he first fell in love with all those years ago, and he's whipping back around, eyes locked on you as you converse with the unfamiliar person at your side. His feet move immediately, pushing him forward, but at the same time, you happen to drop something. He picks it up for you and hands it to you, and his eyes land on the ring decorating your finger, the one that matches the one on his hand, the custom-made promise rings the two of you had. You accept the item you dropped without complaint, your eyes also noticing the ring on his finger, but before he can say anything you just thank him and walk away.

He's so shocked by it that he just stands there for what feels like hours, before making a beeline back to the mansion. With Slender and BEN's investigative assistance, Jeff learns you didn't die that day, and he also learns that you have no memories of your time before then. You're still in the Underworld, still wandering around and joyful as ever, but you have no memory of him at all, and that thought alone is destroying Jeff all over again. The years you'd spent together, your promises of being together forever, all of your plans for the future, vanished. He finds himself entering an existential state of limbo in the coming weeks, not sure if he should try to find you and reconnect, or if he should just let you carry on your new life as you presently are. In the end, he decides to let you go. With all of his trauma and issues, with all of the struggles you both experienced gone from your memory, he feels as though it would be unfair to force you to learn how to love him and care for him again. You, however, have a completely different plan than Jeff.

It was eating you alive, the ring he was wearing on his finger, the familiarity in his eyes, the disappointment at your swift exit. You had to learn who he was, and how he was connected to you, you finally had a clue to your life before your amnesia and you weren't going to let it pass. It wasn't hard for you to track him down, with how well known he is in the Underworld and the fact that everyone knows he works for Slender, but you also spent time waiting and wondering what you should do. Eventually, you decided on it; you were just going to have to force him to talk to you. So, there you stood, anxiously on the front porch of a mansion that seemed far too familiar for you having no memory of it, and upon the door opening, a group of faces greeting you that were also far too familiar. Slender calls Jeff down and tells him he has a guest waiting outside, and when he comes out to see you, he feels his world halting once again. You both sit on the front porch in silence for quite a while, but you break the ice first, asking him who he is, and why he has your ring. You have a feeling you already know the answer, and when he looks at you in misery, tears flooding his eyes, you know you were right, without him even having to confirm it verbally.

Jeff explains it all to you, everything. How you met, when you started dating, what your relationship was like, all of your plans for the future together, the significance of the rings he had made for you, and most importantly, the day he thought you died. It's a shock to you, of course it is, but bits and pieces of things he says, you can catch small glimpses of them in your lost memories. A night under the stars, mornings spent waking up together, an exchanging of rings. You can catch small glimpses of him, but it feels so far away. It is, however, enough for you to believe him. It feels right, sitting beside him on the steps. It feels warm, and comforting, like you belong there beside him, and when you shyly move your leg to press against his it feels so oddly familiar and correct that you find yourself being moved to tears. He tells you he didn't want to trouble you, didn't want to make you have to deal with his fucked up life and issues all over again, he thought it would be cruel, and you can only smile at him through the tears.

You tell him you have a feeling the you that he knew would be upset at him for even insisting that, and he laughs, saying that you're probably right. Neither of you makes a move to leave, to end your reminiscing as he continues telling you stories, and both of you are okay with that. It's you who finally asks the question weighing on both of you. If you can try again. If you can try from the beginning, try to love him again and become a part of his life again. He smiles a smile that has your heart racing and cheeks growing warm, and lifts your hand, saying he gave you this ring along with a promise to stay by your side for the rest of your life, no matter what. He kisses the ring on your finger, and the brush of his lips makes you long for more. He agrees easily to start over, saying he'll never give up on you, but he can't help the chuckle that follows as he simply requests that you not disappear again, and there on that front porch you make your second eternal promise to each other, that this time you'll protect each other, and stay together no matter what. A promise you both successfully keep, to the end of your lives.

[and-the-times-we-had]

As a somewhat newer member of the Silmarillion fandom (I've been here for two years but compared to a lot of people I've come across that seems pretty recent to me) I'm not entirely familiar with the history of arguments and discourse in this fandom but I feel like I know enough at this point to have thoughts about it. I know it's there because I've seen discourse posts on here as old as 2011. I know the feanorians v lathrim/Thingol's line discourse in particular has a nasty history (including fans verbally attacking other fans) and I know that this fandom has had an issue with misogyny in regards to female characters (and even more importantly in regards to female fans).

I just have to wonder when we as a fandom and as individuals in the fandom are going to make the choice to stop doing this. Because it seems like it's been going on an awfully long time, and it comes back in cycles. And because of that, every time someone new comes into the fandom and says anything even vaguely adjacent to that discourse (and others), someone who has been around longer and experienced that discourse inevitably jumps down their throat about their take. A take that is clearly not connected back to that old discourse given that they are new to the fandom. A take that they most likely came up with while engaging with the text themselves (yes, even if it sounds similar to a take you've seen before. of course it is. We're all working off the same text/story).

How is this in any way welcoming or helpful? All it serves to do is drive away new fans who do not want that drama, add tension to a space that should be fun, restart the discourse that people say they are tired of seeing but do absolutely nothing to stop, and make it difficult to have any interesting discussions without worrying about inadvertently causing drama.

I've been in a lot of fandoms and been involved in discourse before (even in this fandom to an, in my opinion, limited extent) so I'm in no way going to say I'm above it but like, aren't you guys tired of this? Because I am. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to be lambasted every time I post something. That's no way to engage with a hobby as far as I'm concerned. I could choose to leave the fandom out of the sheer level of frustration I feel about this, but there are still lots of things that I like, and honestly, I don't really want to. I dont think I've ever felt as creative or engaged in thinking analytically about the source materials in my fandom as I have in this one. I just want the fandom to be a generally more positive experience for myself and others.

I'm going to do my best to not contribute to the discourse issue and while I can't tell anyone else what to do, I hope you guys might also take a few moments to think the next time a post you disagree with comes across your dash or you see it in the tag. If nothing else, can we please avoid bashing other fans during the course of the discourse? It sucks to see the characters we like questioned/disliked/villainized/etc, but it sucks even more to be an actual person being bashed and told that they shouldn't even be able to consider themselves fans because they don't agree with your take on the text.

Can we just try to be better about this? Please?

[gojooooo]

strength means fuck all against sukuna because he’s the strongest smartest most beautiful prince to ever walk this earth so maybe something else is needed to break this never ending cycle of special grade after special grade losing against him and yuuji is the one who possesses that something. be it the power of love or simply a shared soul in the past with no deeper meaning but there lays the potential to make sukuna reconsider his purpose. gojo can share his euphoria and make him feel less alone but he can’t exactly offer him something new. it’s kind of really fucking beautiful to me that the strongest sorcerers fail but a nobody who never gave up succeeds. (i mean it’s also because he’s yuuji. his starting point. his past. his other half. [izuku voice] it has to be you, brat…. but i digress!)

but also what fascinates me about sukuna vs yuta is that he gets to see how the queen of curses lives with him in a similar way he, the king of curses, lived with yuuji. except they coexisted in the opposite way yuta and rika do, because all they did was try to detach themselves from one another, fight for the upper hand, to take control of the body and ultimately parted in the most bitter way possible. meanwhile yuta started out the same, didn’t understand how to deal or communicate with her but ended up slowly adapting, understanding, accepting, welcoming, loving her until they lived in harmony. same cursed fate, opposite ways of navigating their relationship. so if you piece this mess of a rant all together what i’m trying to say i think is that if sukuna eventually considers company, getting to truly know others beyond thinking of them as random people, actually experiencing a life preferable to the loneliness and emptiness than come with his current existence then maybe he can reunite with yuuji and cooperate this time, seeing rika and understanding that coexisting can mean that there’s no backseat but they can evenly share this life. look i know sukuna is fun and authentic and i love how he stays true to himself through and through but i’m just wondering where do we go from here. idk idk if gege doesn’t contradict himself then sukuna will win again so sukuita couple therapy sounds less monotonous at the very least :’) give me you make me consider tenderness for the first time ever!!! give me it’s always been you!!!!

and if the other only way out is to die together then they can curse each other a little at the very end… as a treat. god just imagine yuuji saying it to sukuna and him smiling fondly, surprise taking over when he sees tears rolling down his own cheeks… the fact that anyone who isn’t friends with yuuji kind of groups them together like people automatically saw gojo being in cahoots with geto even when he wasn’t… you cannot have one without the other and. yeah. this is the post. i don’t know what possessed me at the end. enjoy. cry with me

[raw-law]

I really need to get this out of my mind so bear with me for a bit

I'm someone who enjoys a lot listening to music, it's a part of me and I would dare to say without it I can't function correctly. Just as it's a huge part of me, I think it's a part of everyone, more present in some than others(? I'll try to elaborate further on it.

It has been like this my whole life and I've learned that a song can influence your mood and even your way of thinking, hence, is a reflection of who you are. Still amazes me to this day. But anyway, what I came to say here is that, I think we don't value enough when someone gifts a song, written by them or by someone else, be in a serenade or just mentioning they thought of you when listening to it.

It's like saying "Hey, this form of expression I came across (or made), that i liked or disliked in some way, made me think of you, but also of me"

Why? because we felt the song, processed it, and came to the conclusion, those feelings and thoughts brought up were the same or similar to those when we are around or even thinking of that other person. It doesn't even have to be in a romantic way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, gifting a song is a beautiful and deep way of acknowledging oneself and others, but is also underrated haha

So, with that in mind

Everytime I hear "Good Luck Babe" by Chappell Roan I can't help but think of you two, but mostly of Light

Individually, "Come As You Are" by Nirvana makes me think of L, if I had to describe you somehow, it would be with that song, or maybe "Smells Like Teen Spirit"

"AMG" by Natanael Cano x Gabito Ballesteros x Peso Pluma makes me think of Light, I'm not elaborating because it's self explanatory if you listen to it

-🐉

L:

the way you describe music really is beautiful... i wish i could experience it the same way you do. it sounds divine.

the songs you've listed are quite neat. "Come As You Are" was my favorite. thank you deeply for sharing them, especially with how personal music is for you.

i'm sorry i can't give much back in return. i care about music simply because it's self expression in its purest form. plus, it's an art form as well, and i prioritize art above everything.

however, i've never experienced a personal connection to it. there are songs that i hold dear to me, but those were never because of the music inherently. liking or disliking songs has always been more of a choice to me than something embedded in my dna. it sounds like an exquisite connection to have, you should continue cherishing it.

Light:

Personally, I don't much have a taste for music, but I did look up your song recommendations online, and I do enjoy the lyrics.

Probably my favourite line is from "Good Luck, Babe"--- 'You'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling". Sometimes, it really does feel that way.

Anyways, I'll have to listen to these songs when I eventually get the time---so far, they do seem rather interesting.

I do agree that music is a wonderful thing, and if anyone ever recommends you a song and says this reminded me of you, it's certainly an honour. It's just that I don't really enjoy music myself, despite being a pianist. But I won't forget this---thanks, Anon. I really do appreciate it.

[angelsdean]

Do you ever wonder how Dean would have told the New York story to Cas if Sam wasn't right here, hearing him? (because his hesitation at the end, before settling for the non-problematic answer...)

godd i don't know. i've been thinking abt this ask since you sent it on sunday and i'm really of two minds about it.

i feel like on the one hand, dean doesn't really think he was a victim of anything. like he's repressed and explained away a lot of the incident to make it seem like it was really no big deal in his mind. dean rewriting traumatic memories is nothing new and i can definitely see him doing so with this memory. sam also wasn't there, so he only knows whatever version of the story dean told him. (and bits from john, i guess, though i doubt john would really be sitting there recounting the whole thing for sam).

even if dean didn't specifically rewrite his memories though, dean to me has always felt like he views himself as a kid as older and more responsible than anyone else his age. and he holds himself to a different standard, different rules. sam says dean was WAY underage during this incident, that could mean underage for drinking (21) or underage for being a legal adult (18). my headcanon / guess is that dean was around 15. and like, if any of this happened to some other 15 yr old dean would see them as a child who was taken advantage of by adults. but for himself the rules are different. he sees himself as an adult, as older and more mature. he's had adult responsibilities for years by that point. he's seen and experienced more things than most kids his age. so he doesn't see himself as a kid that could be taken advantage of. he's hunter! he's killed things! he'd be able to handle some regular humans, is what i think his thought process would be like. so for him he can't and won't view what happened as this traumatic thing. he rationalizes and reframes the event to be what he needs it to be, no big deal. just regular teenage rebellion that ends with him getting busted by his dad. nothing more.

but i think recounting that story, having all of that resurface, and then coupled with what happens to claire, her nearly getting trafficked and being lied to and conned by adults, it triggers something in dean. like i said before, i think dean holds himself to a different standard, but seeing someone else of a similar age to him go through something like that would sound alarm bells as being Wrong and Bad. and so, him seeing what nearly happens to claire causes him to really confront what nearly happened to him at a similar age. and then he just. loses it. and kills all those men. as he should !!!!!! (literally those killings had nothing to do with the MOC. i think he would've done it anyway, even with no mark and i stand by that).

so, going back to your question, i think if none of this stuff with claire was happening and he was just randomly recounting the story to cas, he might still play it off as no big deal, just a little anecdote.

but if he were telling just cas this story in the midst of this episode i think as he's telling it he might start to think, oh shit, claire is around the same age and me and she's around these sketchy people and this is bad we need to find her now as he starts realizing what happened to him could've ended bad too. and maybe if it was just the two of them dean might have expressed some of that to cas like, "i didn't realize it at the time, i guess i downplayed it to protect myself but, yea that was a bad situation and it's a good thing john showed up when he did."

also i think when cas says "he saved you" to dean after he tells the story that moment is when dean starts really unraveling all this and realizing "shit that really could've been bad. and now claire is in a bad situation too and we need to save her."

[hacked-by-jake]

Wargh, I'm hyped (despite the negative things), I'm deep in that rabbit hole (again) and I have nobody here to talk about my obsession with a mobile game 🥲 I even thought about creating a Duskwood/Moonvale Forum. So I'm here, scrolling through tumblr, especially yours, trying to become part of the fandom community 😅 It's good to know, that you're still here, I followed you for a long time, without being brave enough to contact you.

The last days I had many people telling they never were brave enough to contact me or to reach out or interact in any other way. I can understand this feeling very well, I think I almost never reached out to someone out of fear to bother them or be weird or make them feel uncomfortable in any way. Most of the time I'm just to insecure.

If anyone of you feels like this with me, please don't. Easier said than done, I know. But really, no one ever has to worry about bothering me or anything. And I would never think that you're weird or whatever. Trust me. When people want to talk to me.. most of the time it sounds so unbelievable to me because I'm like "Why would anyone talk to me?" So, every ask or comment or whatever I get makes me the happiest person on earth because to me, it's just wonderful when I see people liking what I just said or they want to talk to me about specific things or similar.

So please, never hesitate to reach out, okay? I'm here and I want to see the fandom and all of you. You're kind and amazing and I mean, we all love Duskwood. So we already have a huge thing in common. :)

I won't lie tho, I'm super bad with DMs, which is never due to anyone of you. It's just my problem with communication and the strength to answer you. Not because I don't want to, but because if I answer, I want to give a good answer and I want to put effort into it. Sometimes that gets into my way and makes me hesitant. Because even if you reach out to me, and maybe you're afraid to bother me or something, I also fear to come over as weird or anything. So, if you're nervous, don't worry, I'm as well. Hehe. 💚

And I actually know you're following since a longer time. Every time I see you I recognise you, your name and profile picture. And I'm always happy see people coming back and are still interested in the game and also in the fandom. For me, it's a great thing and of course, this fandom will welcome everyone as long as you're kind. (You are, heh) But I mean in general. I've never experienced anything else here before.

So if you want to post yourself or only interact with blogs I'm 100% everyone will appreciate it and is happy to have you with them.

And welcome back in the rabbit hole, I'm waiting for all of you to arrive, we have lots of space in here and some chinese food, as long as you like it, haha.

So, of course, you're welcome to share your thoughts and to talk about the game with me. I'm also happy about it and I'm sure I will enjoy it. 💚

And I'm also glad you decided to send the ask now. Since you say you were not brave enough before, it's nice that you overcame this feeling. It's a huge thing and you can be proud of that. 💚

I thank you very much for your time and your lovely words. This ask already was enough to make me happy. And I hope you will have a wonderful day/evening/night! 💚💚💚

[lacoscienzadiemme]

I'm back and I'm in my Versailles no bara era again

Disclaimer: long ass post, boil some water and make some tea

Three weeks ago I was sick and decided to have a rewatch of my second hyper fixation ever (the first were the Teletubbies when I was 4): Versailles no bara, aka Lady Oscar aka my life when I was ten.

Rewatching it at 27 was a completely different experience. I got to understand more details in the charaters' personalities and dialogues, but most of all in the main crucial elements of the plot. Let's write a few words about them (hopefully without forgetting anything)!

Oscar's gender identity. When I was a kid I would get mad at people making fun of this passion of mine saying "BuT iS OsCaR a BoY oR a GiRl?!?!?!?" like dude, it's called LADY OSCAR it's not that deep. ACTUALLY, it is that deep but not in the way they thought. The struggle with Oscar's gender identity (due to her father's awful decision to raise her as a boy despite being a girl) is somehow the most contemporary and current topic in the story. Somewhere (I can't remember if it was in the manga or in the anime) it's revealed that Oscar only found out she was a girl after being firmly convinced of being a boy during her entire childhood. Given that, we must accept that it was... ehm... nature/biology/her body to unveil the mystery (with every psychological consequence along, I guess), this means it was just a couple of years more or less before the beginning of the story (when she was 15 yo). The whole struggle between living as a man while being a woman, keeping on trying to run away from her womanhood and the consequent sorrows she faces, could be very important to address the topic of gender identity. This being said (and after a wonderful fanfiction I read yesterday that claimed the opposite), I want to share a little speculation about her identity WELL KNOWING THAT REAL PEOPLE'S GENDER IDENTITIES ARE NOT QUESTIONABLE NOR SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION. In my humble and personal opinion (again, about an anime character and NOT a real person), Oscar is not a trans man. I think the struggles and the very point of the whole story come from the fact that she, a woman of the late 700's raised as man, starts experiencing what we now consider the social constructs that define genders and gender norms. Let's consider that she has a male name, everybody refers to her as a man, her entire family and social milieu consider her as a man. But Oscar knows she is a woman despite everything and everyone because her male identity is something that was forced upon her. THIS is, for me, the crucial point of her story: Oscar wouldn't be struggling if the reason of that weren't a constriction made by her father. Her gender identity dilemma is not generated by a gender disphoria, but by a choice someone else made when she was just born. And that, I think, is similar to the struggles trans people live but not precisely identical. In fact, if she had been raised as a girl, she would live her life without considering the other side of the sky as her own. But because she was forced into manhood, she keeps convincing herself a male identity would solve all her "female" problems (especially her sentimental ones, without realizing that men too, even the ones she's around, suffer because of love). So, is Oscar a trans person? I wouldn't be so sure, but what I'm sure of is that trans people are people and they deserve basic human rights just like anyone else. PERIODT.

Oscar's love for Fersen. We all have lived even once the awful situation of not being loved back by someone. It's a part of the game we forcily accepted when we were pushed into a social civilization made of human relationships. BUT after reading @xwaterice post, something in my mind shifted. OP clamis that Oscar mainly falls in love with the way Fersen loves Marie Antoinette. Lest we forget that back then relationships were mainly formed for convenience and Oscar has been around this kind of mindset for her own life. Even though she argues with Fersen when he reveals he's going to marry for convenience that it wouldn't be fair because people shouldn't stay together if not out of love. Bonjour mademoiselle, you already knew that but let's pretend the opposite. Of course, count Fersen is charming and good looking man, he has a nice personality and so on. But the most impressive thing he does is loving a woman for who she is and not what she is. And yes, @xwaterice is right: Oscar wants to be loved for who she is, for the person she is and for what she can give as a person (as a woman) and, all around her, the only one who is behaving like that is Fersen. Yes, we could tell her "Hey, wake up, there's André right besides you!", but my man, my malewife André hides himself for most of the episodes and my girlboss Oscar has it rough paying attention to other people's feeling when they don't show them up.

André, or the art of being a sottone (adj. Someone who is madly in love with a person and would literally do everything for them). Here he is. A malewife, a good friend and ultimately even a little problematic man (you know, the whole ripping the shirt off scene). Without condoning his r4p3 att3mpt, I think we should focus on the fact that he is always there for Oscar and, most of all, he is there to help her embracing her womanhood. Because he, who is in love with her and hopes for a relationship with her till the end, would benefit from her womanhood? Of course. But he actually knows that every single problem and every single trouble she has to face comes from rejecting it. André is the only one who really understands what Oscar is goind through and the only one who understands thay she is a woman. He cares about her womanhood because he cares about her.

The everybody's a little bisexual trope. So, let's put aside the whole discourse about Oscar's gender identity for a min. Or better, let's talk about it from a different pov. If she is a woman, every other one who falls for her (like the majority of the court and more in general most of the female characters she bumps into throughout the story) would at least be bi; on the other hand, if Oscar is a man this makes André, Girodelle, Alain maybe(?), the gentlemen ready to take her hand during the ball in her honour in the last episodes and even count Fersen (I'll focus on this later) bisexual. To be true, I'd fall for Oscar too even though I'm a straight girl.

Count Fersen × Oscar: what if? Oscar is in love with Fersen and with the way he loves women (or better, ONE woman): we got it, ok. But Fersen, the world champion of delicacy, friendzones her. In the worst way, by the way, and I know it because... *cough cough* been there lived that... Anyway, towards the last episodes, he rescues her and André from a violent protest in Paris. He rushes from the theatre the very moment it's clear it's about Oscar. They said goodbye quite some time before, don't forget it. Notice this: when Oscar cries for her André (quote) he (Fersen) acts surprised. Yes, he is because he knows their relationship and so on, BUT my crazy brain keeps thinking that the surprise comes from the fact that Oscar is not indifferent to him. I mean, if he has to settle down and he cannot do it with the Queen, at least let it be with his best friend. It sounds weird, but it makes sense to me. At the point, anyway, she is the friendzoner AH!

I can't remember if this is everything I wanted to say, but I promise if something else comes to my mind I'll reblog this post and add it down. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk!

[random-basil-lover]

I respect the romantic interpretation of Basil's feelings towards Sunny (i think we all know i freaking love Sunflower asdhfggfy), but i personally interpret his feelings as platonic, especially since i've experienced it, and i really think it makes his story more interesting for me, since strong emotions like his towards a lover are common and discussed, but in friendship? Not much. The fact that he could do anything for a friend (seeing him as friend), even something that ruined his mental health, has so much more power to me, you can't imagine. We need more strong platonic connections like his! Now let me traumadump...

So i met this friend in 2021, he was the first person i ever connected with, and i became platonically infatuated with him. For me he was so so pretty inside out, he was so perfect and wonderful, i wanted to be his bff and give him flowers! I imagined myself giving him a bouquet even, i told him about it, and he was into that! I really loved him, i told him how much i loved him, and i made memes about him being a cinnamon roll (he liked that ofc), i even made a small playlist for him. And, i repeat, it was platonic love, i had what is called a squish, which is like a crush but in friendship, and really, the feelings a squish gives you are very similar to a crush! But, instead of wanting kisses and a romantic connection, i wanted to be his best friend so badly, and give him hugs!

He then, in Christmas, abandoned me, since his girlfriend was jealous of our friendship. It felt like a breakup, i cried and cried for hours that night, i felt empty inside, and i felt betrayed, since i did a lot for him (i even spent 1 day without sleeping just because he was feeling sad), i told him very personal things, and he told me i was his best friend (my wish come true!). I felt like i was undeserving of love, like i shouldn't love and trust anyone else, and emotionally numbed myself since then. First time i felt platonic love again after what happened with him it was in january of this year, which makes it 2 years of numbness. So yeah, loving a friend a lot (platonically), and feeling this desperate and betrayed is real, and it's really special and important, for me it feels as special as romantic love. So give Basil a hug!

[lepertamar]

lurkfriend: kjorel, feeling destroyed when people are super different to him: /J

silkycoal:

Ah, but there is the irony, isn't it? "I assume: to see."

At the expense of everything else. Infinite sights traded for one other, albeit one available by no other means. The public and the private switched: what has become of her eyes visible to all and yet knowable only to those who also have given up their sight to the pyre indicated within. Or without? God is not anywhere in particular, God alone has no body, but God is here, in her eyes. Because They chose this too—God! How ever could anyone be so sure in Their own beauty to demand such a price for seeing it!

lurkfriend: YEAH

lurkfriend: "how could anyone ever be so sure in Their own beauty" [thinking abt tesena]

silkycoal: YEAH BOY

silkycoal: This is making him dizzy but perhaps that is as it should be, if he can capture this feeling in a painting then he will have captured the experience of seeing her, such that all others who see the painting may see her too. He, a Seafarer, meant to convey images from one place to the next—

silkycoal: and ofc he never ASKS

'the only way to try to understand this is to paint and convey this mystery to other regular ppl' [COPING]

lurkfriend: painting is such a fucking. coping mechanism for him. i wonder if it'sl ike. eurgh kjorel is so like, sight/experienced based, like back to his thing abt melting into e.g. shadows if he sees them, becoming one with the world type of thing....

if he externalises that i wonder if he sees it as something "outside of himself" something that he can adopt freely if he chooses to, vs. something threatening because it says something more about what he is

silkycoal: yeah i bet!

silkycoal: his very sight-experiential thing has similarities to stalking-era tamar except tamar's curiosity about what she doesn't know overrides any need or worry to explain or justify or force it into a framework while kjorel is like using 90% of his operating system to try [and fail] to prevent himself from knowing anything new

lurkfriend: YEAH

lurkfriend: kjorel is very foucsed on defending himself.... or his sense of self... it's sort of why hmmm i think of kjorel as a sort of "void"? like a Lackness. not that he's lacking anything, he's full of himself! but he is the void, esp. with the focus on shadows in particular, somewhere were light can't reach (REALLY funny w tesena as a counterpart). anything that could be "in him" is seen as an attack on him on an ontological level...

silkycoal: yessssssssssssssss

lurkfriend: but kjorel as a black hole, in the sense that black holes are "greedy for light" and trap it in them.... tesena who wants to be trapped in that way, who wants to light up that which cannot be lit up...

silkycoal: kjorel is afraid light will destroy him rather than outline and fill him like a bl

YEAH

his skin as the event horizon.....unnnghhhhgghhhhhh so delicious

lurkfriend: YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!! YOU GET ME

silkycoal: and yeah part of how different he is from tamar is i think bc tamar is much more like…..Reacts To g-d’s fire and heat, in a very volatile and violent way yes, but you can see that she preconsciously had an embodied self-understanding of being a substance that exists. that Is Here. (not a concept that she thinks only exists as an absence, not smth that only exists bc it hasn’t been destroyed yet.)

lurkfriend: but kjorel becomes so…. idk if perceptible is the right word… he's not just melting into the shadows, he is commanding and so full of himself, bc as you say "outlined"… he has that gravitas

silkycoal: kjorel starts out very smooth, i mean colloquially in personality mainly, he's so slick and suave and socially adept, but also smooth in a slippery way

lurkfriend: oh god yeaH

lurkfriend: i thnk thats part of why i liked his breakdown? like yeah smoothboy get fucking. stuck in all the goddamn complexes. good luck being so smooth and 'easy'

silkycoal: nothing is allowed to snag or stick

YEAH

IT WAS SO FUN NGFDEGHHFFDHN

lurkfriend: YEAH everything had to roll off him. he didn't allow anything to affect him, he was always the one in ~control~ and the master of the chessboard.... and seeing that reversed and him fucking struggling drowning in tesena's tears was like. hell yeah

silkycoal: ....it's incredibly funny how he refers to yenatru in his mind as a boy more often than a man, when not only is he like 3 years younger than yenatru, he's 17 which is BARELY adult in sehhinah hgfghvgg, and he definitely socially vibes himself as older than 17, partly i think in a good way of 'askannite seafaring has a really good way of letting kids grow up, compared to the much more childified teenager context implied in ennuh' but i'm sure for kjorel it's MOSTLY an independencymaxxing 

[petite-ursus]

With my birthday next week (eeee!) I finally managed to get some journaling done. 7 pages and I only got a fraction of the summer onto paper. So many wonderful and strange and exciting things have happened the last few months... it's just so difficult to sum it up.

I've mentioned there's a part of me that wishes I was at a point where I felt safe to be emotionally available... to really put an effort into dating again... but I think because it has been such a whirlwind summer with Options At Hand I just keep forgetting how little time has past since the ex finally got out of my house.

It was less than a year ago that I was waking up every morning literally drenched in sweat. I was still being touched when I didn't want it. I wasn't being allowed to sleep through the night. I was anxious and scared, sad and lonely in a way I've never experienced before, and honestly it feels so surreal now.

I'm sure the ex has been madly in and out of love at least twice in the time it has taken me just to feel okay again... that's who she is, and I don't view that as a flex. Still, there is a part of me that wishes I could have snapped back even half so quickly and that I had a wonderful gorgeous partner on my arm to validate to the world that I'm Good... that's just not where I am.

She terrorized me. Threw my furniture. Screamed at me. Took over my bedroom and wrecked my sleep. Wouldn't get out of my house, and made the place I loved most into a palace of eggshells. She intentionally made me doubt my judgement, made me feel small and unsure... and yeah, I've spent the last year recovering the self she saw and wanted to have, if not love. Excavate her from the wreckage. Whatever.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm still afraid. Not of her, because she has no access to me... but of what I allowed, and could allow again. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see now how she was like a copy paste in a lot of ways of other people I've loved. The difference of course being that while those relationships were rocky they were based in mutual love. I've been mulling on what a difference that makes... What habits that allows to form. They all had these similar through lines, but with her it was a more dangerous iteration because she wanted to possess me as someone she saw value in... but never actually loved me as a person. Being with her forced me confront some very real relationship patterns of my own, without that glammer of love to make the acts of violence less damning. Who I choose. Why I choose them. The full depth of the harm choosing people like that can do to me. I want to believe that now, having been through that I'll make different choices. I know even as I'm browsing the apps I'm doing it differently than I did before... but people lie, and I don't want to enter my next relationship with my guard all the way up. There's only so much I can do, and then I have to trust another person...

I still can't imagine letting anyone into my home again. I don't know if that's something I'll ever be able to do.Though I hope I say this like a character in a book who doesn't know she's going to be living with the love of her life in 5 chapters(years.)

Two weeks ago was one of the first times since she destroyed the peace I found in my home, where I looked around and said, "Oh I love it here," again. The animals are all happy and healthy, the string lights and plants and all my rocks and decorations make my heart sing. There's no mess and no clutter. I think, maybe now that I have a landing space again... a real refuge again that doesn't feel just like... a place where something terrible happened, with gaps in the furniture and wall decorations where my things were removed to make space for her... maybe now I can get there, to a place where I can let someone else in... but man... tldr, I really just need to give myself a break and let it happen when it happens. It was so so bad. I've had such a wonderful year by comparison that the edges of my memory have softened and made me feel like I should be "back at it," with the life goals that involve another person... but like so bad my actual health deteriorated and I was literally in the hospital. It is OK that it is taking time (LESS THAN A YEAR) to process it all and heal from it. SHOULDERS take more time to fully heal than that sometimes.

Life is so long. There is so much time.

And also, as an aside... I've been rolling around in my head what a surprise blessing it is that in seeing how unloved I was in this last relationship I'm able to find real love in my past relationships where I'd been unsure of it before, because it was so clearly there by comparison. Not that I'd go back to these other people, not that it changes any of the things that were/went wrong, but to know that even if I wasn't loved well... I was loved... That's valuable to me. That's a gift I wasn't expecting.

[multiplicity-positivity]

hey i hope this isn't weirdbut i hate our host and i want to. not. do that

i feel like he took my chance of life away from me, of being normal, of having a nice life with my brothers (<- introject) and it's really hard to get along. i don't know what to do. im so frustrated i could cry

Our response got quite long, so it’s going under a cut to spare others from having to scroll a bunch - hope that’s okay!

Hi! This is definitely not weird to ask. We have some members in our system who are in a very similar situation! They’re still working through this and trying to process their feelings, but we can share what we’ve learned from our therapist and other systems and through communicating with each other!

(Note: We come from a DID perspective. Most of our advice we’ve learned through treatment and from fellow DID/OSDD systems. We’re not sure what kind of system y’all are, but this advice may be more applicable for traumagenic systems than nontraumagenic ones. We’ll try to include a few notes on what may help a system without trauma, but that’s not our experience! So sorry!)

Okay so for systems with dissociative disorders, it’s important for all parts/alters/headmates to remember that there is no “original,” no “core,” and no “main headmate.” The host is a system member just like everyone else. In many systems, a host cannot help that they front the most and it is usually outside of their control.

If your system has roles, it may be good to remember that each of you was formed with a purpose that was assigned by your brain. It’s not your host’s fault that they were chosen or formed to be the host.

We’ll also remind y’all about the nature of dissociative disorders. They function by hiding trauma and signs of the disorder from the headmates who front every day and handle daily functioning. So your host may have gone most of their life without ever knowing the rest of your system existed! And it’s not fair to hold something against your host that they were never aware of until y’all’s syscovery.

Additionally, many systems are unable to control switches, at least not at first. So even if your host was aware of y’all, it’s asking a lot to expect them to instantly know how to switch out and manage time so that all headmates who want to front are able to. We’ve heard of systems that are able to control switches, but we haven’t met one personally! So your host likely isn’t actually taking away your chance at life. Until y’all have made progress in building trust and communication, it may be challenging for anyone in your system to control a switch, let alone the host!

It’s great that you recognize your dislike for the host and want to change! We’re also wondering if you can verbalize (to yourself, your therapist, or a trusted loved one/headmate) what feelings exactly are making up the hate. Is it jealousy? Resentment? Disappointment? Frustration? Understanding the specifics of your emotions and what you’re feeling can help you learn how to properly process and regulate them.

If you’re comfortable, perhaps try letting the host know your feelings. If switching isn’t an issue for y’all, maybe you can express how you feel like you aren’t able to front as often as you’d like, and ask if it would be possible for you to spend a bit more time in control of the body. This can allow you to invest in your interests and learn to enjoy experiencing life!

You mentioned you’re an introject - you also may benefit from examining your source and how it relates to you. If connecting with your source is causing you more pain and distress, it may be worth it to attempt some sort of source separation. The painful fact of the matter is that you exist here and now, within the system you belong to. Shifting your focus to what you can control and caring about those who are close to you may help mitigate harm and resentment towards other members of your system.

Perhaps this advice may help you regardless of your origins, or it may not. We’re sorry if these words haven’t been encouraging or helpful!

We will say this:

If you are a created headmate, it may be worth it to remind your host that you are here, breathing, sentient and alive. You deserve agency and autonomy. You are not an imaginary friend, you are not simply a “silly brain friend,” even if you were created consciously or unconsciously without trauma. Your life has value and is not inherently worth less than another member of your system’s. Agency means you should be able to have some power over your situation and choose what happens to you. Autonomy means you should have the freedom of making your own decisions that impact your life. Both of these are important for members of any system of any sort!

A therapist may be able to help you navigate these difficult feelings much better than we can. So if you’re in therapy, this may be an excellent topic to bring up!

Basically:

1) being open and honest,

2) standing up for yourself,

3) not assuming the worst in each other,

4) recognizing that being in a system can be complicated and difficult for everyone, and

5) learning emotional regulation

combined, these things may be able to help you reach a better understanding of yourself and your host, and help you deal with some of your negative feelings as a result!

Sorry this got so long… best of luck to you with everything!!

🌸 Margo and 🐢 Kip

[lightsiided]

@othunderous said: "i want you to kiss me."

     "i know." she's doing her best to project CONFIDENCE, though she's entirely unsure if it's working or not. rey can feel her eyes are wider than normal, her pulse racing like she's just finished a round on the training course. "i just kissed you."

normal people do this sort of thing all the time, probably. someone with better social skills would have no trouble kissing the most beautiful man she's ever seen, without even wondering if it's a good idea. it's not like she hasn't THOUGHT about it. it feels like she's thought of nothing else, these last few weeks, waiting for the right moment, trying to figure out whether it might be something thor wanted, too.

in the end, it was the way he'd been looking at her and the smile on his face that had compelled her to action. before she'd even had a chance to regret her impulsivity, rey reached for his perfect face and kissed him, pressing their lips together and letting instinct guide her. for a few moments, there had been nothing but BLISS. there was no second-guessing her decision, no desperation to know what he was thinking or if it was good -- there was only the swoop in her stomach as it flipped over and back again, the fluttering in her chest when her hands slid around to his neck.

then she had to pull away and catch her breath, and panic had set in. could she be CERTAIN he'd been flirting with her? these last few weeks have been so fun; what if she's made what's between them weird? they fight so well together. he is a PERFECT travel companion, and he has been so nice to her. so helpful, so smart, so knowledgeable -- he makes her laugh, and --

and: "i'm extremely okay with this."

well -- that's one less thing to worry about, she supposes, though the next item on her list takes its place almost immediately.

you've kissed people before, part of her brain reminds, in an effort to be helpful. just as soon as it's occurred to her, the piece she's been worrying over cuts in: this is NOT 'people.' rey's inclined to agree. her lips are still buzzing from where they'd met his. the few kisses she's experienced before this can hardly compare; they hadn't felt similar in the slightest. her stupid brain seems almost incapable of putting a coherent thought together. stars, but she likes him.

then the other part of his reassurance registers -- that thor wants her to kiss him. maybe she doesn't have to be so NERVOUS. maybe he likes her, too. it feels less impossible when she takes note of the way he's looking at her, the same as he had been before, as kind as ever. they're still sitting together, close enough to touch. he's been waiting ever-so-patiently for her crisis to end -- for her to kiss him AGAIN. "okay, i know," rey repeats, nodding. "i'm going to." it's said even less confidently than before, but her eyes are half-lidded, now, fixed on thor's gorgeous, smiling mouth. anyone would lose their train of thought.

she's no expert, but the second kiss feels better than the first. there is something almost magical about it, a sureness, she thinks, that they're in agreement and that all their polite back-and-forth and gentle getting to know one another these last few weeks has been building to this, a moment that sets starbursts off behind her eyelids.

no, it's not like kissing other people at all. it's so much more, infinitely special. with the silence of hyperspace surrounding them, there is only the sound of their breath, the movement of their lips against each other's. rey is acutely aware of the fact that she keeps pressing herself closer and closer to a wall of solid muscle, of the warm skin under her fingertips, of the way they seem to fit together exactly right.

this time, when they break apart, she's DAZED, though it only takes a second before her lips split with a grand, dazzling grin. "you're kind of good at that," she murmurs, swallowing visibly. "one of these days you're going to have to do me a favor... and do something repulsive, so i can think about SOMETHING ELSE again."

[a-earthssprout]

KNOWING YOUR PARTNER WELL CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE WRITING TOGETHER A LOT EASIER. ( REPOST DO NOT REBLOG ! )

NAME: please call me Winnie ! 😊

PRONOUNS: she / her 🌷

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: tumblr im’s are just fine; however, my discord is always available upon request ! 😊

NAME OF MUSE(S): Ariana; prefers to go by ‘ Ari ’

EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): I … think I’m going on my 8th year of roleplaying ? 👀

PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: tumblr, skype ( when it was popular—does anyone else remember those days ? 😭 ), & discord !

BEST EXPERIENCE: oh, I’ve had so many wonderful experiences on here ! but I’d say the best above them all are any of the meaningful relationships that I’ve made with a few writers 🌷 some people I’ve met on tumblr mean quite a lot to me, & they definitely feel like family ! 🌿

RP PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS: hmm … 🤔 I’m not the biggest fan of impatience, since I tend to be quite slow with my replies ( though I am grateful to say that I couldn’t tell you about a time where I’ve experienced this, so … if I ever have, it thankfully wasn’t bad enough for me to remember it 🙏 ). I guess another one is when it’s obvious that someone hasn’t read Ari’s about / my rules, but again, that’s an extremely rare occurrence 😭 you see, you all are so wonderful, so I have very few complaints 🥺 as for dealbreakers, any kind of inappropriate behavior towards Ari will earn you an instant hardblock. problematic behavior, as well, & blogs that run solely off drama—it’s just not something I appreciate seeing. lastly, an inability to respect boundaries—either mine or others—is not the sort of behavior I’m interested in keeping around. only friendly & kind company here in grandma Winnie’s house, & I promise to try my very best to be just the same ! 🍯

FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: never the last, so we will keep it between the first two; I much prefer the former over the latter, since I’m most comfortable writing sweet things 🌻 however, I do want to practice more with angst & am not against adding / exploring similar elements to / in threads ... 🤔 no guarantees that I’ll be any good at it, though; I struggle to tug at that particular part of the heart, I feel 😭

PLOTS OR MEMES: any & all kinds of interaction are warmly welcome here ! 😊 I just appreciate the interest, really 🥺🍄

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: … long 😭 I’m very sorry about it, but you will almost always probably receive a long response from me—& by no means should you feel obligated to match that length ! I have no preference for what I receive. all I ask is that you give me a little something to work with ! 👍

BEST TIME TO WRITE: early morning, before the rest of the world is awake so it’s nice & quiet & when the coffee is fresh ☕

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): we have our similarities, certainly ! I think everyone has at least a few things in common with their muses 🌷 however ...  catch me dead before you catch me befriending a bug or picking up a snail 👀 dlfkjgkljgjk or frolicking outside, in general. I live in Florida, okay ? everything ' wild ‘ is built to kill, & the state bird is a mosquito 😔 I also have a terrible potty mouth, so ... lkjdlgljkg 

tagged by: I stole this from the wonderful @more-than-a-princess, who is such an inspiration & admirable writer ! my dash would not be the same without Rae on it, & her Sonia is amazing ! highly recommend 🌷 tagging: @theircurse / @spiinsparks / @weasleyandweasley​ / @xamassed / @madamhatter / @lionfated / @galaxofmuses / @champiionic / @aevisong / @scholarlyblade / @detectiveheizou / @balladccr / @librarywent / @lightcreators / @sourentropy ( whichever blog you like ! ) // @pompedia & anyone else who’d like to do this ! 😊