#make them do the most heinous shit and i won't care

[jamespottersmixtape]

barty and evan can do no wrong btw

[rosierabbitart]

Hey sorry to get political again, but I think this is extremely important.

So I'm sure most of y'all have heard something about Project 2025, but if not, here's the gist. It's a giant document written by members of the Trump administration, meant to be an instructional guide for if he becomes president again.

This guide is long, and intentionally written to be as boring as possible so voters won't read it and see the heinous shit they want to do.

However, a LOT of comic artists have come together to make comics about the contents of Project 2025, to make it easier for everyone to understand.

https://stopproject2025comic.org/

These comics feature page citations for everything stated and have transcripts below them for the visually impaired.

Project 2025 is dangerous to all of the USA. It will kill and imprison millions of citizens, and the ones who live will have exponentially worsened lives. To name just a few things, they want to use AI to determine the necessity of healthcare treatment for Medicare and Medicaid members, make education a privilege to pay for instead of a right, expand the definition of "pornography" to include anything that views queer people positively and label educators and librarians as sex offenders for possessing books with such topics. The list goes on, you can read these and multiple other topics in the link above.

So what can we do? Well, there's 3 things.

1. Reblog! Repost! Spread this thing like wildfire! Everyone needs to be aware of what they're trying to do.

2. Tell family! Or friends, or neighbors, or anyone really. Share the comics with them, on topics you know they care about.

3. GO OUT AND VOTE! This is the most important one. Go out and use your vote to prevent this from ever getting enacted. Your vote matters, it is a right given to you and if you don't vote, you might not ever get to again after this is enacted.

This election is our only chance to stop Project 2025 from happening. Do your part.

[princeoftheeternalbog]

Nicknames/petnames op characters like to call you PART TWO

Also suggestive warning for Ace, Marco, Izou

I don't care if law's is ooc btw he deserves to be sickly cute sometimes and yk we kinda saw how he can be when he loves something with that whole sora thing in wano so yeah I'm saying he can be affectionate as a treat.

Anyways here's like all the faves who are not strawhats:

Ace

Baby, sweetheart, pretty thing. Always says them in either the most flirty tone imaginable or the softest. Also he's like flirting with you 24/7 it's so bad but he jist can't turn it off around you like he's so down bad. 100% says heinous filthy shit but tacks on a cute nickname at the end to try and make it sound less intense. It does not work.

OBSESSED with you calling him love or my man and finds it ridiculously attractive. The first time it happened he set his bed on fire by accident and you both got lectured by pops :(. But seriously he just loves any and all verbal affirmation so naturally he adores nicknames. Doesn't get shy at all though, if anything reciprocating his chaotic behaviour makes it 10x worse.

Marco

Love/my love. Sweet and simple and he likes how clear it is to other people. He uses it a ridiculous amount though to be honest like you hear it more than your own name, it's to the point where if he says your name people on the ship don't know who he's talking about😭. Oh and he uses baby when he wants to tease you, like he drops his voice real low, leans really close into your space and speaks right next to your ear. Bit of a bastard tbh.

He blushes easily but doesn't shy away, in fact being called a nickname in return really makes him feel confident and puts him in the mood for affection. Though sometimes the nicknames make him feel...too affectionate. One time you called him pretty bird as a joke and he just sorta sat there, face getting gradually redder until you leaned towards him out of concern, at which point he promptly yanked you onto his lap and started what was one of your most intense make outs to date. Yk, casual things.

Thatch

Cutie, sweet thing, pretty thing. So so gentle with you and it reflects in how he speaks to you as well, even if he's upset or angry he still calls you the sweetest things because you're so precious to him. Though he's also a menace, if he finds out you like a specific petname then he starts discretely whispering it in your ear whenever he passes you to wind you up. Literally he doesn't care if you're having a serious conversation, he'll just slide in behind you and drop his voice to sound like a nice gravelly tone and purposefully make sure to exhale on the back of your ear to make you shiver.

Oh but he can't handle if you do it back, no this man folds like a lawn chair the second you start calling him anything other than his name.

Izou

Darling, dear, lovely, blossom. So casually smooth its unbelievable, also he starts calling you them before you get together. Like after a certain point of friendship and flirting, he just starts doing and saying the most romantic shit(Definitely thinks you're together before you actually are) and the crew are very confused and you're very confused but as if you're gonna complain yk.

This man gets so flustered when you use nicknames with him because it's not behaviour he's used to. Obviously he's been a pirate for a long time but he's actually very reserved and rarely dates so having someone who genuinely cares about him calling something sweet makes him blush so hard and you use that to your fully advantage. He gets revenge later though don't worry.

Law

Love, lovely, pretty, honey, every flowery pet name you can think of. He's so soft with you. He can't help how sickly affectionate he feels around you and it results in him just calling you all sorts of sweet words. He won't do it in public if he thinks you'll be put in danger or if he doesn't feel comfortable but like in front of the crew and strawhats and stuff he doesn't give a fuck. He'll just come up behind you while you're in the middle of a conversation, hand sliding down your lower back, and say sumthin like "are you okay my love?"

Blushes to high heaven if you call him something cute back, he just melts like butter. If he's in a bad mood or like in an argument or something you only have to come up and say hi love and he's all :///))

Kidd

Babe to the public. My love, gorgeous, pretty baby when you're alone. It's not really that he doesn't want to call you those things in public, he just doesn't want enemies to understand how important you are to him but also he doesn't want to keep your relationship a secret because he's obsessed with you and wants to brag about being yours.

Makes him really cocky if you use petnames with him. Like he'll flush but get so overconfident the second you say love or baby or anything of the sort. He doesn't care where you are either, he's just hauling you into his space immediately so he kiss the fuck out of you.

[island-in-the-shadows]

On Felix Catton & Disgust/Desire

I had been waiting for a long while now to write this post. I wanted to do another full re-watch before I got into it because the ideas for this have been sitting in my mind for a long time. This is going to be a long post and, hopefully, not super pretentious. Most of us fans of Saltburn know, to some degree or another, that the core themes of the film revolve around disgust, desire, and obsession. And the biggest entry point to discuss this is the actions of our protagonist, Oliver Quick re the object of his disgust/desire/obsession Felix Catton.

I've written before that I believe that Oliver did know Felix and that Felix was emotionally vulnerable and candid with Oliver. I further stated that we, the audience, are forbidden from knowing the details of this intimacy because Oliver does not want us to truly know Felix. This means that the bits we get of Felix are small and very subtle. It means that we can interpret Felix's core personality, true intent, true desires in a litany of ways. My opinion is, realistically, no more valid than anyone else's. But for today, I wanted to discuss what I view, from the bits that we get, is Felix's relation with the core themes of the film. And, because I saw a truly heinous takes about a different fandom I'm in and I don't want to think about it, my brain said: hey...let's talk about Felix Catton and his disgust and desire.

Pt. 1: "Only rich people can afford to be this filthy."

When Oliver says the above, he and Felix are in Felix's messy and disgusting dorm room at Oxford. When you take a closer look at the room (which I admit was difficult on my first few views because Felix is lit and positioned to take all of your focus), it is a total shit show. There's clothes everywhere, empty containers everywhere, other unidentifiable debris...honestly wouldn't shock me if there was some used condom somewhere. We know from Oliver that, not only does it look like chaos, it smells terrible. However, Felix is unbothered. He is concerned only with the heat which, in this case, is an external force that he cannot control no matter his good looks, his charms, his pedigree, or his money. By what we see, Felix is quite happy and content in the filth. It is only when Oliver points out the filth and points out that Felix won't take care of it, that Felix reacts negatively.

Felix, as we know, is very accustomed to his messes being cleaned up for him. Before we even get to Saltburn it's a safe assumption to make. Prior to college/uni, he would've gone to some posh boarding school or other. I doubt that they were made to clean everything in boarding school (though if any of you know please let me know). We also know that wealthy people tend to have hired staff who clean for them. This is a young man who has never had to clean up his spilled milk and it has never even occurred to him to do it.

However, the important bit to note is not that Felix is messy and that it doesn't occur to him to clean. What's important to note is that the mess simply does not bother him. Just because he is born to extreme wealth and privilege does not mean that he would have to be this way. There's been germaphobe rich people or people who prefer to have a minimalistic space or any number of things. Regardless of wealth, some people are fine with mess and some people require mess to be done away with immediately. Felix is in the former category. He certainly must notice the mess at some point (even if, clearly, he's nosebleed to it) but he is comfortable in his space.

This is also true of his room at Saltburn. We barely see it, I know, but let's take a look at that glossy af pic of it from the Architectural Digest Article...

There is crap EVERYWHERE. The more you look at it the more crap you find. You can't even say that it's perfectly clean either because there's dirty clothes in spots, there's multiple pillows on the ground, there's a random used water glass, there's either toilet paper or paper towels on the night stand, the bed isn't perfectly made, I could go on. Chaos and filth and mess is, technically, Felix's natural habitat. It's the kind of mess that is surrounded by opulence, certainly, but it's still a mess.

Only rich people can afford to be this messy because they can also dictate when and where their staff cleans. Presumably, there are things in Felix's bedroom (perhaps the toilet paper/paper towels which have a...purpose) which he has instructed Duncan to leave alone. Or Elspeth has put terms for how often the maids come in the rooms. It could be framed in a multitude of ways. The point stands that Felix can exist in these chaotic and, even, disgusting spaces because he chooses to be. What his privilege does, then, is afford him absence from judgment.

We see the staff at Saltburn clean up after the party. We see that they quietly replaced a broken mirror before anyone can question the cracks. We never see the staff judge. Do they? Certainly they must, we all have opinions. But do they express their judgement to the masters of the house? No. It's not their place to do so. They are considered staff and therefore their opinions do not come into play for the Cattons nor would they want to hear them. Even Duncan's genuine unease and grief after Felix dies is mostly kept under control. He's not paid to express his emotions or his thoughts, after all.

And why go into all of this? Because Felix is content to live in the mess, to revel in the gross and in some version of the abject. What Felix cannot handle is being confronted with his pleasure. To me, this (along with wanting to separate Oliver from staff when the younger boy starts actively cleaning) is the main reason why he snaps when Oliver points out the disgusting state of the dorm. He does not need or want to know how he fits outside a specific role that he was born to play and, likely, believes he has to play. Even if it didn't occur to him to clean, he could've used his wealth and influence to find someone to clean for him. But he didn't. Because it doesn't bother him. Oliver being bothered and pointing out that Felix is so wealthy that he can live in the filth is what bothers him, instead.

Pt. 2 "Was it? Was it awful?"

I am going to keep this section short, because there have been much better posts about this and I, personally, go back and forth on this all the time. Regardless, Felix having an interest in a made up fantasy of a shitty childhood and what he can, likely, envision as some Dickensian nightmare of a situation falls into his relation to disgust and desire. What Felix knows of true poverty and addiction likely comes from media or exaggerated stories from people who have been in contact with someone who was an addict or something to that extent. His imagination must be running wild with theories. And while I do think that he did have good intentions regarding Oliver when it comes to this, his demeanour also shows an attraction to the grotty aspects of it. Oliver only ever calls him out on this, to a degree, in the maze. Before this, Felix can be interested in what he imagines is the horror of Oliver's childhood but not be caught out as being a tragedy whore or someone with a saviour complex or anything else, because his interest is not being pointed out. Again, he has an interest or desire for mess and chaos as long as it is not pointed out.

Pt. 3 "You're supposed to be here with me."

Let's, briefly, talk about queerness. Let's talk about how Felix has an image to maintain. How he has expectations put upon him. Yes, he has privilege and wealth beyond understanding, but these things often have a tradeoff. Celebrities, for example, have to forfeit a lot of their privacy. Royalty and nobility (regardless of country) often forfeit chunks of their privacy and the possibility of living outside of a script (publicly, at any rate). Felix CANNOT go off script.

He is implied to be the heir to Saltburn and everything that comes with it: money, land, title, expectations. Like in the days of old, it's probably expected of him to produce an heir. It's also expected of him to marry a lady from his class in order to produce said heir. And, back in 2006/7, people were less acceptating of LGBTQ+ people that they are now, and Same-Sex marriage was not a thing in the UK and it wouldn't be for another 7 or so years. So Farleigh, who will inherit nothing and only ever be given scraps, can embrace his queerness; Felix cannot.

Personally, I believe that Felix did have some sort of interest in Oliver. It's not just in the fact that he is possessive of Oliver to the point of disregarding his family. It's in all the Bambi eyed looks that we see Felix give Oliver. You could argue that these are exaggerations from Oliver but then, how do you explain the POV shots we get of Felix looking at Oliver? How they are also romance coded, lustful, pinky and fluffy? There is something there. To what extent there was something is pure conjecture. But, I personally believe that he had some kind of feelings for Oliver but could not express those feelings and, to an extent, found his feelings for Oliver disgusting.

Even if his mother is, in her way, tolerant of queer people, this does not mean that she would be ok with Felix being with a man. I doubt his father, who is in his 60s at the time, would be any happier about it. Again, Felix needs to have an heir and take over Saltburn. So, at most, they would've tolerated that Felix had a "friend" tucked away somewhere that Felix could go to every so often. Queerness is not the desired outcome and so, at some point, Felix would've had to separate any feelings from the matter. And, hypothetically, in boarding school any hand jobs etc. from other boys would be viewed as part of a norm that exists within the realm of "no homo."

So, given he has been emotionally intimate with Oliver and, given that he has felt more for Oliver than he probably thinks he should, he feels disgust as much as he feels desire. He can, and personally I think does, want Oliver, but feels disgusted by his feelings and has a strong desire to keep them channeled in the "appropriate" way. Just the same, he gets jealous and he does not want to share. He cannot abide by Oliver being free to pursue another partner (guarantee he would be equally as incensed if he had found out about Farleigh and it probably would've slightly registered had Oliver actually slept with Indabel). It's specifically a slap in the face that it's Venetia who has done this kind of thing before and who is allowed to be physical with these friends of Felix's with whom Felix does not feel he could or should be physically intimate. Thus, the possession and the jealousy and the spurned wife behaviour of it all.

Pt. 4 "You make my fucking blood run cold."

Bref, I think Felix had good intentions but poor thinking skills when he wanted to take Oliver to his parents' house. Multiple posts have discussed this bit and I do think he wanted to further trauma bond with Oliver the way they further trauma bonded when Oliver's dad "died", afterwards, per the script, they were "closer than ever." And then they had that intimate moment on the bridge and spent some time there completely alone instead of being at a giant party. I think he thought that the experience would bring them closer and that he would be there to, in his way, protect Oliver. And I still think this plays in to all the little ways in which Felix desires disgust and is disgusted by his desires. But he does it anyway.

The betrayal of trust and intimacy that follows has to feel like a bomb has gone off in Felix's mind. But what's worse for him, again this is solely my opinion, is that he still desires Oliver regardless. It might not have fully formed in his head and he then dulled it with drugs and alcohol and with his shoddy attempt at fucking Indabel in the maze, but possibly the inkling of why Oliver lied the way he did had entered his brain. Oliver already tried to explain. Told Felix in the hallway when they got back that he wanted to be Felix's friend. And Felix likely relived his entire relationship with Oliver including what Oliver just told him. And, to me, Felix was not entirely opposed to it. He didn't immediately kick out Oliver or cause too much of a fuss. He wanted space. He wanted to not think about it for a while. But Oliver forced his hand.

Again, here we have a Felix who is disgusted by his desire. A Felix who, deep down, knows that he likes that Oliver lied. That he likes that Oliver desires him so much that he would do anything for him. Likes that, despite NEVER wanting anyone to know the most debauched parts of him, Oliver is close to knowing all of his darkest parts and loving him for them just the same. But a Felix who, nonetheless, does not allow himself to revel in the filth once it's pointed out.

And Oliver points it out. In a big way. "Everyone puts on a show for Felix! [...] doesn't this just prove how much of a good friend I actually am? How well I actually know you!" He does know him. Felix knows this. Felix CANNOT go off script. Felix cannot acknowledge his love for things that are disgusting or less than savoury. So too he cannot allow them or acknowledge them here. And then we have something in the script vs. how Jacob actually looked that's what inspired me to write this overly long post in the first fucking place.

This is not the exact beat. Because this is after Felix says his line about his blood running cold. The vibe is the same, though. Regardless...is THAT the fact of disgust? Because to me, that is not disgust. That is some form of desire that most mortals will never experience. But then...it also IS disgust. Because the two are intertwined for him. Because he desires because of the disgust at the situation and at the lengths of debasement Oliver will go to to please him. He is a boy who loves mess and chaos and who makes his home there. And, to whatever extent, his heart could've made a home in the mess and chaos and filth that Oliver brought to the table. Even if Felix has to be disgusted at his desires and prevent them. Even if Oliver took any option or opportunity away from Felix.

Oliver makes his blood run cold, but Felix never said that was a bad thing. And it isn't. Just as Oliver revels in the filth of bodies and their fluids and the inferred possession that comes with them, so too Felix revels in the filth of places and things he shouldn't want and things he can only truly savour in the shadows where no one points them out.

TL;DR Felix is as much of a freak as Oliver is, though in a different way. He is shown to be comfortable and even like messy and gross things but, he only does so when it's not pointed out. He can be, to a point, physically close and emotionally intimate with Oliver and, even partially overlook a betrayal of this intimacy, but only if it's never pointed out. Only if it doesn't break with the expectations and social script on which he has been raised and to which he has to stick. He serves to demonstrate the relationship with disgust and desire as much as Oliver does, but his relation is more subtle and harder to see. And maybe, just maybe, given time, he would've at least bent the script.

--------------------------------------0--------------------------------------

Super sorry for how long this is, I just needed to get it out! Thanks to @ollieapologist for being my biggest cheerleader about this post. Sorry if this is incoherent!

[tainoidiot]

How would the dork squad respond to finding out their long-time crush was cheated on and in absolute shambles over it? How would they comfort them after such a heartbreak? Just feelin a lil angst today idk why

Nah I get it. HEART BREAK IS FUN.

Dork Squad x Reader who just got cheated on.

----

Jervis Tetch

Oh he's ready to kill.

Not only was he right about the monster you were dating, but they committed the most heinous crime to man.. making you cry.

On the surface, he's comforting you as you cry over things from the relationship. "You poor darling, I'll make you some tea for this heartbreak.."

Comfort foods. Even though as a headcanon, we have all decided he can't cook, he tries his best for you.

Cuddles. Cuddles. Hugs, and lots of them. But if you're not comfortable with that he will be sitting next to you and staring intensely.

On the inside, he's plotting how he's gonna kill them. No joke, be careful with this man. Jervis is ready to kill at the drop of a hat, and now he's more than ready.

"God, I wish they would suffer as much as I did!" You screamed. "I can arrange that.." Jervis mumbles. "Huh?" "I can arrange that! As in the teacups!"

Look for your ex on the nightly news.

Edward Nygma

When you told him what happened, you could almost see a fire burning in his eyes.

"No no, I'm fine.. You're welcome to stay here for the night." He taps your hand and gets up

He grinds his teeth so hard, but then he remembers that you need some comfort right now.

He'll deal with it later.

For now, Ed just let's you fuck around with machinery and puzzles (that he 100% put a parental block style manager on so you wouldn't hurt yourself on accident.)

Jonathan Crane

(Have I been spelling his name wrong this entire time and nobody called me out. Fake fans smh/j)

Heart broken for you.

"I'm sorry, what happened? Oh, come here.." He's rubbing your back and getting you water.

Need to cry? Go ahead. Wanna scream and throw shit? Fine with him. He just watches.

Unlike the other two weirdos on this list, He'll ask if you want this to be "taken care of."

"Won't even kill the fucker. I'll just send them to the ICU!"

Unsure of what to do. This is a headcanon, but hes a 40 year old virgin so like.. fuck does he know.

[elvisabutler]

phila

summary: he was a frat boy. you were not a sorority girl. could i make it any more obvious. or how you fall for a frat boy and an incident happens that makes you realize how much he cares for you and just how much his friends do too. fandom: austin butler rating: m but not because anyone has sex more for rough content. pairing: austin butler ( frat boy ) x female reader word count: 2823 warnings: talking shit on fraternities and sororities. mild insecurity. a bit of misogyny. frat bros being heinous human beings. non consensual drug use. violence in the form of a drunken brawl. roofies being mentioned and used. dudebros being assholes. beer bottles being thrown. implied undressing while unconscious done by a trusted person. completely averted attempt at sa/sexual assault. author’s note: y'all can essentially blame @prompted-wordsmith for this one because they're the one who put the little nugget in my brain back when we talked about this. heed the warnings, please. i didn't tag this as austin's main post tag because i know it deals with a sensitive topic but it's also probably— the last frat austin piece i might write unless anyone has something they specifically want to see. same goes for my tags for all of you. which, truly i refrain from tagging when it comes to things i feel most of you would prefer not to read and this is no exception. i believe i put all the warnings but feel free to tell me if i missed any. hope you enjoy if you read and thank y'all for your support. also i know not all chapters of SAE are like this but they are known to be a— bad frat so to speak.

Going to frat parties is not your idea of fun. It's a fact that Austin knows and will usually acknowledge and allow you to just skip them with promises that he won't do anything funny with any other girls. Not that you don't trust him, but you know how touchy he can get while tipsy, and you know as well as anyone sometimes touches can be misconstrued. There are lone exceptions, though, the parties that Austin begs to have you at so he can show you off and tell everyone how much of a genius his girlfriend is. They're always held at other frat houses, and every so often, you start to wonder if you're being dragged around like a trophy only to realize that's not the case at all. If anything, it's him trying to prove to everyone that you're kind of settling for him and that you could get better guys. It's a silly notion, you think, but it is what it is and you go along with it for Austin's delight only to remind him when you're safely in each other's arms in bed that he's the only one for you. Besides, what sort of girl is supposed to go for the premed and theater guy, hm?

Tonight is one of those nights where you're in a simple black and white jumpsuit and Austin is in what you like to call party causal. Or a step up from his normal tank tops but not full formal or business wear, but it involves jeans that make his ass look flawless so you're pretty sure you're winning just because of that one sole fact. It's easier to hitch a ride or just walk with Austin when it comes to heading to these parties and tonight is no different with you sitting in the passenger side of his car as his hand interlocks with yours.

"You're going to have to let go of my hand, Austin. Pretty sure no one is going to let us live it down if we get into a car accident because we both know better," you laugh, pulling his head up to your lips to kiss it as he shrugs.

"I can drive one handed." He attempts to defend his actions only to earn a look from you that has him sighing. "Hitting the curb that one time doesn't count."

A laugh erupts from your mouth as you finally move your hand away despite his pout with those plush lips of his. "Right. Do I have to call Darce and them to get more proof or do I win this argument just because you knew I was going to mention that?"

Austin pauses and looks for a moment like he's going to present a defense worthy of a brilliant lawyer before, "I think we're at a draw."

There's a moment where you look like you're going to playfully argue before you just smile. "Drive, Butler."

Normally Austin has a tendency to stick close by to you at these parties, not because he doesn't trust you, but because he- despite being a nice and trusting person knows better than to trust a lot of the frats on campus. Most of the time any thing that happens are just rumors but he knows through the grapevine that there's a few people who shouldn't be on campus but have Daddy's money to help them avoid getting kicked out. But this particular party has some pledges he lost out on and likes to check up on from time to time. You're a big girl, though, and he knows you'll be fine. He knows if anyone tries anything they're in for a world of hurt before he even knows there's a problem.

In hindsight, he should have known better than to leave you alone at this particular party. The time before the party had been a little rushed and your normal preparation of having enough to drink ahead of time was left by the wayside. It meant this time around you were nursing a coke trying to be the designated driver at a house most people know better than to have open drinks at. You try to mingle as best you can, attempting to use this to build some connection to someone knowing that despite everything this frat is one of the richer and thus more connected ones and it shows in the talk you hear among some people. Your eyes instinctively seek out Austin more than once and are relieved that he's close enough to you that no one would dare try anything until you find yourself face to face with a guy you've met before.

"Y/N! Fancy seeing you hear. AB finally let you out?" The guy— Jackson, you think his name is— smiles, his canines being exposed when he does. He reminds you of a wolf in all the worst ways.

"Jackie," you mockingly croon, setting down your drink for just a moment. "Cute how you think Austin can tell me what to do like that. Andrew let you run around off the leash?"

You watch as a muscle in Jackson's jaw twitches and you want to laugh but you stop yourself when you see him start to open his mouth. "Funny. AB knows how to pick his bitches. He sent me over here to talk to you actually. Said he wanted to mend bridges between our two houses. He knows Aussie's a little mad about that—"

"How you sniped the kids you called charity cases in your pledge class? When everyone knew they were shoo ins for Phi Kap. But little Andy got it in his head they needed to SAE boys. Yeah, I heard the story." The words come out more vicious than you intend them to but strangely Jackson doesn't react. "What?"

Jackson laughs and for some reason you feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up almost as if to warn you of something. It's then that you remember you set down your drink and pick it back up. As you're picking it up, you miss how Jackson smiles. "You really are something else. Shame you settled for the poor white trash surfer boy. When you get tired of him, you'd fit right in here, Y/N. Fucking mean enough."

With that Jackson walks away and you find yourself wondering what just happened as you take a sip of your Coke. Austin catches your eye from across the room and winks, smiling at you before turning to talk to the freshman he was already talking to.

Austin knows that two things are wrong when he looks up thirty minutes later after catching up with multiple Freshman and being interrupted by some asshole whose name he didn't even catch. You're not where you've been for almost the entire party which wouldn't be strange except he can't really find you anywhere. He pulls out his phone to see a missed call from you, a voicemail and a text message that looks like the ones you send him when you've fallen asleep with your phone in your hand. That alone worries him and has him listening to the voicemail only to hear your voice sound wrong in a way that has him seeing red. It doesn't take him long to find one of the upperclassmen— Trey, he thinks? Maybe Trevor, Austin honestly doesn't care as long as he has some idea of where you went.

"Did you see where the girl I came here with went? My girlfriend— She—" Austin trips over his words, suddenly reverting back to that shy boy he once was when he was younger unable to order his own food. The man rolls his eyes.

"The uptight one? Dude, she went to where the bathrooms are. Maybe the bedroom?" His hand motions in the direction of a hallway and Austin shoves his way past multiple people to the third bathroom where he hears something that sounds like you groaning. Austin doesn't waste another second before he's against the door saying your name and somehow you manage to get the door unlocked.

Austin finds you on the floor near the toilet and all he thinks is that you look exceptionally out of it. Your eyes barely focus on his face and when trying to reach him you decide the under the sink counter door is his leg. "Aus—" You start before trailing off. "Why'm I in the bath'oom?"

Part of why Austin likes you— loves you as much as he does is how well spoken you are so hearing you like this makes him so terrified that he's grabbing your hands and yanking you up with a grunt. Your body practically melts into his before you hear another knock at the door and see some of the boys from Austin's frat looking at the scene. Kelvin's the one who speaks first.

"Did they—Aus, man, you know what this looks like."

Austin's grip tightens around your waist and you look up at him and press your nose into his shirt, inhaling his comforting scent even as your mind jumps and swirls and does everything in between being normal. "Tight. Too tight."

Everything feels too tight, your jumpsuit, your bra, his arms but you can't figure out how to get out those words as Austin's grip loosens just a hair when he turns to look at his friends. The boys he'd trust with his life and with yours. "I— I don't know how the fuck they did this but find whoever did it. Fucking— she can barely stand up and she wasn't drinking. You guys know that. Who does this— I'm just here to talk to the newbies not to— Not to put my girlfriend in harms way."

It's then that Austin watches Xavier and Adam already leaving the doorway and after a moment he hears a crack of a beer bottle breaking.

"Who did it to Y/N? We just want to talk, man! Take you so you can see your handiwork!" Xavier's voice silences the crowd before there's a rush of voices and cursing that has Luke joining the fray only for you to hear him shout,

"Where the fuck did you get a beer can like that?" It's a valid question but one he says while grabbing a foldable chair and brandishing it in his hands as someone— Trey? Trevor? Alexander? Someone tries to run off after laughing at the scene.

"She deserved it," he mocks as Luke steps closer to him chair still in hand. On your shaky legs Austin starts to try and lead you back to his car before Luke does something you never thought was possible outside of pretend WWE matches. He throws a chair on top of someone's head. Your ears faintly hear the cracking of wood and you wince against Austin before he holds you tighter to him.

"You're fine. They're— They're not gonna hurt you." Austin whispers against your hair and you can smell the faint traces of alcohol on his breath. "I think they're gonna hurt all of the upperclassmen of SAE but not you."

As if on cue there's a bottle that flies by Austin's head and shouts that sounds like multiple of Austin's friends trying to tackle someone.

"Fuckin' tryin' to knock him out?" "Already messed with his girlfriend!" "Your balls that small Andy??"

In another time and place you'd be laughing and while telling the boys it's not worth it but honestly you can't right now. Truthfully if you could right now you'd be joining with them, getting in hits just the same as the rest of them. It frustrates you to not be able to but at the same time there's a warm feeling in your chest unrelated to whatever is circulating in your system at knowing these boys are willing to do this for you.

Someone throws another bottle at Austin's head and it barely misses you before there's another set of shouts and more cursing and general ruckus. Austin pulls you closer once more and starts to head to the door as you hear Tom's bellow to Austin.

"B, get her outta here! We got this! Just get us some rides!" Rides home is what he means but he's interrupted by someone trying to climb on his back. "Now what the fuck are ya doin' bruh?"

Austin takes that as a cue to rush out, only stopping for a moment to shout something about not getting arrested before getting you both in the car. He knows he's not supposed to drive after he's had any sort of liquor but you're in no state to drive yourself and he doesn't trust that his car will stay in one piece if he leaves it here. The second he starts the car your eyes start to droop down and he frowns looking at you.

"I'm so sorry, babe."

You wake up the next morning to Austin on the phone sounding more agitated the more words are spoken. It's a strange thing to see but even more strange is how you're in a pair of pjs you've left in his room at the house with no recollection of how you got in them.

"I know it goes against the code of— they drugged my girlfriend. I think when comparing the two we have the moral high ground. I'll take— I'll take punishment for some of them but you're not shutting down our chapter. I'll handle— yes I can handle it!" His next words are a little incomprehensible and you just sort of stare at him while pulling a blanket tighter around you until he hangs up and realizes you're awake.

"Hey. You— How're you feeling?"

You pause before answering and sigh. "Like shit. I don't— What happened last night? I remember bathrooms and beer bottles? And a chair?"

"I— I'm not really sure. You were where you were at one point, then you disappeared into the bathroom after you drank something? I don't— I really don't know. I found you when I realized and when I did. The boys and I realized you were— uh— that you had something in you that was definitely not something you took willingly." Austin moves to sit on the bed next to you and pulls you close to him. "I got you out of there and— there might have been a few injuries? Involving fists and chairs and bottles. General mayhem."

A silence falls over the two of you before your eyes widen. "You mean they— Did you just tell me I had a bunch of frat bros fighting for me?"

Austin can't help the quiet laugh that leaves him as he nods. "And I didn't even ask them to. They saw you and some of SAE said some— very stupid things and yeah. Tom shooed me out before a bottle hit us. They're in a lot of trouble right now but no one got arrested which is a— It's surprising but I don't question the charm of some of us."

"What about the whole frat—" The words die on your lips as soon as Austin's hand touches your cheek and he shakes his head.

"We'll be fine. Fighting with another frat is bad but not nearly as bad as members drugging someone on purpose considering I think— I think they singled you out specifically. Or at least figured you'd be a fun target. I don't— It doesn't matter. We look better in comparison." Austin explains, watching you bite your lip. "It's fine, babe. I promise. Honestly, they care more about you and if you're okay. Just like me."

Which is to honestly say, stop worrying in Austin's roundabout way. You don't speak for a good five minutes, choosing instead to listen to Austin's heartbeat before you finally move to try and get up. Austin quickly puts a stop to that even as you frown. "Austin, I'm fine just let me get up."

"Future doctor's orders. You're staying in bed today just so I can keep an eye on you. Promise you can do whatever tomorrow. Just— please, babe."

After a moment you move to crawl back into bed and glare a bit at him. "Go get me food, then. I'm— I think I'm so hungry I'm nauseous? I don't know just— food." You stare at the door and swear you hear someone walking by it. "And I guess send in the guys? Are they being creepy at the door?"

The answering yell of no has you and Austin laughing as he opens the door to find Tom chilling against the door, before barging in. "They sent me for recon. Ya good?"

You share a look with Austin as you nod. "Yeah, go tell them I'm good. And that next time try and defend my honor a little more subtly. And tell Luke he's got to show me that chair trick."

taglist: none for this.

[hexfloog]

#s 1 and 20, for edward? :}c

OMG HIII FRIEND OFC OFC

since i haven't talked about him much on this blog, i'll be interjecting with basic info every now and then to make answers clearer :3

this is edward - he's a demon living in the outskirts of london in the mid-1800s or so:

old pic, i haven't drawn him in yeaarrsss ;^;

he is a fandomless oc and his 15-year anniversary was last year holy shit whaaa

1. What kind of person is your OC in a crisis? Are they calm and collected? Do they panic? Or are they chronically the cause?

i, er.......... "yes"

or D, all of the above LOL

edward has a 0-100 temperament, he's either totally unfazed or has completely gone off the deep end. the latter is relatively uncommon though, very rarely is he faced with something he perceives as a real threat, both because he benefits from his urban legend/cryptid status-- people either don't know he exists, or they're just too scared of him to fuck around and find out-- and because he's unusually careful for a demon of his caliber. he's cognizant of the fact that he's not truly immortal and that he could attract the attention of the wrong force of nature one day and eat shit.

a true panic response for edward typically manifests with a transformation* and a show of violence, but usually his size alone will ward off the threat. doesn't stop the rampaging though - if he's reached this point he's also reached a point where he's decided people will pay until he's satisfied.

*edward is able to shift between his human skin and a towering demonic form at least three times his size

20. Has your OC ever done something terrible and lied about it? Did they run away or blame someone else for it? How long did they maintain the lie and did the truth ever come out?

weirdly enough, edward's less of a boldfaced liar and more of the type to lie by omission... but only to others, not so much with himself. he's very good at twisting words and taking advantage of technicalities and semantics when making deals, but when it comes to having to remediate his own errors, he has a tendency to fumble baaad, especially when improvising lmao

even then, what he considers an "error" is a little hard to pin down. he's done plenty of heinous things, both in his current life and past life as a human, but i think he classes most "mistakes" as actions that could potentially compromise his secrecy. public attention is his achilles heel, for instance, and lying his way out of a self-inflicted scene is weirdly difficult for him. it's just hard for him to go off-script, really, and even harder to run away [skull emoji], and in situations like this, if the truth were to come out it would lead to an immediate panic response.

i guess i can think of one lie that he's maintained for most of his life. naturally, in his current state, he considers himself above anything resembling affection. human emotions suck, they're a waste of time, unfit for his elevated existence, etc. to love or truly befriend anyone would be categorically terrible to him, but... he makes room in his heart for one person only, evangeline, the first who ever showed him kindness when no-one else would. he won't admit this affection out loud, of course, and at this point his feelings for her are merely instinctual, he doesn't even consciously recognize them. but he'd have a panic response above all panic responses if anyone were to ever point it out, and while some people have come close, they've never gotten close enough to confront him about it.

easily his biggest tell is the fact that he continues to blame her death on her. he killed her himself btw

this man will literally set fire to the world instead of just admitting he loves a girl. so the lie has gone on for literal decades in-universe and has, so far, never fallen to the truth

lol look. edward is not at ALL a good person okay, not by any stretch of the imagination, but i still love him :3c

thank you for the assskkkk <3

get to know the oc ask game!

[bredforloyalty]

it's strange seeing people's opinions who are fans of rick and morty but don't feel deeply for rick or who empathize with him to an extent but ultimately condemn him as a character and think his loved ones and the narrative should condemn him as well. i keep wondering why they even watch this show and what's in it for them, really, emotionally.. seems to me like the point is the opposite, you watch it and you're gonna hate rick but you can hate him in the first place because he has potential and you can't help but care about his past and his struggles too and not just about the people he hurts (or his 'victims'. but i'd rather not use that word lightly so i keep saying 'people he hurts' gysgvy)

i am saying he has potential like every single person in the real world and he has the innate capacity for love and that's what makes him tragic and makes it cut so deep when he does the awful things he does. and if you see the humanity in him that's obviously there despite everything (& despite not even him believing it) and you see the complexity of his character don't you think and feel that he too deserves better? don't you love to exercise your ability to believe in the inherent goodness of people, but if we want to refer to it as something other than goodness, the inherent potential all of us have to do good things and turn to the world with love?

i mean clearly not, lol, not all of us watch this specific thing expecting to stretch this specific mental muscle or experience this kind of catharsis but i think this is the show's strongest suit. that it asks you to, in the most basic human meaning of this incredibly loaded word, love this one terrible guy even when he's terrible. and hold on to your hope that he won't be so terrible soon and think that maybe the terrible people you know who you can't let go of can also improve and if you've ever been terrible to someone you don't need to despair because it's all in your hands still. aren't these nice things that we all want to believe so we can feel secure in society and in the universe. anyway yes that's what it means to me and i do think it's intentional on the part of the writers and you're Supposed to love the main character, not love as in excuse or ignore the heinous shit he does but love him With that, on purpose, and marvel at your ability to put faith in people and at your capacity for forgiveness and compassion

[genderisareligion]

!! I’m new to the new radfem/terf community and I was wondering what your opinion on sex separatism and female only spaces is? (like stores, restaurants, hospitals, trains and schools all separated by sex.) I’ve seen a lot talk about it lately on tiktok saying it’s a good thing we should do, but do you think it would cause females more issues or would things be better? I’m not sure how feel about it (like how would it work for families), I heard they have sex separated trains in Saudi Arabia and they seem to like it. if you have any information I could use or know anyone who knows more about the subject I would really appreciate it (also sorry if I’m being annoying)

Having trouble finding info on sex separated trains in Saudi Arabia and I'm no expert on women's rights there so I could be wrong, but I'm assuming that in a country where adult women weren't allowed to do basically anything without the permission of a "male guardian" until 2019, that kind of sex separatism would be different from the opt in kind radblr is usually talking about. If the sex separated trains exist because of discrimination, because of the preexisting trend of men finding women too impure and tempting to be in public life with, that's a different thing than them existing on purpose by choice of the women in order to protect themselves from sexual harassment, such as the women only train cars in Japan

But yeah on that note in my opinion female separatism should be opt in and a choice for women who want to live like that. As a lesbian "misandrist" (stop murdering and raping so much and maybe I won't feel like separating lol) I could live in an entirely female community tomorrow for the rest of my life and be fine. As far as separatism causing us more or less issues, based on how often females commit crimes compared to males, I think on average these communities are and would be safer at the very least, though not automatic utopias. Whether or not they cause more issues than a mixed space would in part depend on the women involved and how they organize it, but. Some studies have proven that women and girls perform better academically in single sex spaces. Some studies have proven on average women are happier without marriage or children.

Still, some women will always prefer to live with men. They're free to do that. Do they need to be careful while doing it, based on statistics? Yup. But go on ahead. As much as I agree with most of the Combahee River Collective, I hard disagree with their stance on separatism, which I've found among other (usually het but not always) black women:

"As we have already stated, we reject the stance of Lesbian separatism because it is not a viable political analysis or strategy for us. It leaves out far too much and far too many people, particularly Black men, women, and children. We have a great deal of criticism and loathing for what men have been socialized to be in this society: what they support, how they act, and how they oppress. But we do not have the misguided notion that it is their maleness, per se—i.e., their biological maleness—that makes them what they are. As BIack women we find any type of biological determinism a particularly dangerous and reactionary basis upon which to build a politic. We must also question whether Lesbian separatism is an adequate and progressive political analysis and strategy, even for those who practice it, since it so completely denies any but the sexual sources of women’s oppression, negating the facts of class and race."

One can be a female separatist and against biological determinism. Hi. We exist lol. I'm not saying the fact that according to the FBI crime statistics males commit 96% of all rape means they're biologically hard wired to do so, no fucking way 'cause that would let them off the hook. They choose to do stupid and heinous shit just like the rest of us choose not to. "It so completely denies any but the sexual sources of women's oppression" sure, if one's reason for separating is entirely based on being a lesbian. Mine isn't, I have multiple reasons such as wanting my likelihood of being hate crimed in general to decrease, which I would still have if I were OSA, and I'm not sure I've encountered a pro separatist whose reasoning is that singular.

[twilightguardian]

Why do you keep posting stuff about Lilith? She blocked you meaning she doesn't want you interacting with her nor her content, yet you still go to her posts with an alt account or something and post about that

Maybe just not? If you have an issue with the stuff she says about Celtic you can call those out alone without writing threads trying to debunk her criticism

Even if you think what she's doing is wrong you're still in the wrong too for stalking her

I just had a tab on her blog open from before she blocked me. Even if you've blocked someone those tabs still work, and it takes nothing to view someone's blog while logged off. Even then, other people post what she says and I can view them even without directly going to that tab I have open. Having a tab open on her also isn't anything special, because I have hundreds of them.

Lilith didn't block me for any legitimate reasons other than she doesn't like hearing criticism or the idea that she could be wrong. She blocked me because she didn't like the fact that I explained that her dialogue in Glints Saga was clunky. I knew she had a writing group she went to at the time, having reasonable fears about her writing, and she said no one in the writing group saw any faults with her work. So I suggested she get a better writing group and pointed out something I happened to see while scrolling through her work.

She replied to me once, and when I replied back, she blocked me, then started talking about me in the way she currently does now. Her blocking me has nothing to do with not wanting to be "stalked" or to face backlash. She wants to play victim and then keep being an asshole herself.

Like I said multiple times in my responses to her work: I have no doubt that she doesn't give a genuine shit about what I have to say unless it fits her narrative that I'm a bad person. She cherry-picks hyperbolic language and calls me a stalker and a bully myself and whatever.

But I was polite and cordial to her when she blocked me, so that literally does not matter. She does this on purpose. Just like she complains about Fixing RWBY by lying about it.

The reason why her criticisms of Fixing RWBY aren't valid and are more akin to bullying is because she actively accuses Raymond and his team of heinous shit. That's something that I won't tolerate because there is no reason to suggest someone is racist, sexist or homophobic or claim them to be an alt-righter for their fanfic.

There is no reason for her to twist her language and lie about Fixing RWBY, to focus so much on the male characters herself, ignoring what the project does with the main cast while only talking about the male characters. She does what she claims Raymond does: Ignores the female cast and focuses all her attention on the male cast. And when there's evidence to the contrary, she ignores it or finds an excuse to make her criticism still valid: Like the disgusting way she talks about Neo.

I address Lilith's points directly because she is actively being malicious to my friends. I don't care if I am not the most polite to her, if I say something slightly insensitive her way. It does not matter. She'll find a way to make herself a victim. Because that's what manipulative bullies do.

There is plenty out there to criticize about Fixing RWBY. Some people have come to me with those valid criticisms. Just because I ultimately don't agree with them doesn't mean they aren't valid. I've even pointed out the one time I thought she had a point. Of course that gets ignored. Because she doesn't care, and the valid point was probably accidental in her attempt to say the nastiest shit she could think of about the project.

I want to point out this specifically in that you're saying "if you want to talk about the things she says, don't talk about the things she says".

Maybe you meant to word that differently, but it's a pretty stupid statement. By definition, if I want to call her out, then I have to debunk her. I've already called her out along with the rest of the shitty ass fandom in my initial long post, where I give evidence to why I think Lilith is dishonest and a bully, and how she is just a nasty piece of work and how that colours her perception of Fixing RWBY and Raymond.

By the way, she obviously goes onto my blog too, despite having blocked me, so this is a game to her.

[bioethicists]

if it’s not too nosy to ask (pls ignore if so) how did you arrive at doing case management and how do you like it? i have similar values in terms of like interest in health and med anthro in an anti-psych/institutions way nd am trying to figure out in what capacities i can work in health related fields while honoring those values lol,,, thank u i love ur blog

haha so i kind of hate it rn + am leaving in may so take that was u will! i wouldn't necessarily say case management is an easy place to have these values but i am in a unique position where i'm not licensed so therefore am actually banned from (thus not instructed to) doing most of the heinous shit- i am never involved in the process of diagnosing, treating, or incarcerating a client. an msw or similar clinical degree would demand that i be more involved with that process

i live in MA which has a unique program called the BHCP program (through our Medicaid, MassHealth)+ my technical title is "care coordinator" but this is largely a smokescreen for (even more) underpaid case management. my primary job is to obtain + maintain services for my clients, such as SSI, specialists, housing, food stamps, etc. i also spend a lot of time doing stuff i'm not technically supposed to do- help clients read their mail, help with court cases, help dealing with child support etc. i am about 90% of the time able to help ppl in a way that i don't feel icky about.

the cost- i make 39k a year to case manage up to 65 clients who i have to contact at least once a month. many of them have issues far beyond my scope but i am the only person willing or able to work with them. social services in MA, arguably one of the best states for social services in the country, are an absolute shitshow- i spend about 33% of my job trying to force other ppl to do theirs. get me a client that speaks only spanish and the services become essentially unnavigable. masshealth randomly decides we need to improve quantitative performance measures that have 0 bearing on the actual quality of our clients' lives so we are routinely chastised for not meeting stupid paperwork requirements (what percentage of clients have their race and ethnicity recorded in their file? did you check the right boxes on their yearly assessment?) which seems to matter way more to the state (which, through its other departments, is causing most of the problems i'm being paid by them to solve???) than actually helping them. also, the emotional impact is rough + most of my coworkers cope by hardening themselves, othering our clients/getting angry with them, or giving up altogether.

it's just not feasible or HUMAN to expect someone to be able to go to someone's home, hear a story of their brutal assault by the same man you're helping them demand child support from, lock eyes with the child you know in your heart is never going to see a dollar of his dad's money because the child support case is almost definitely a dead end, then go home and do 6 more hours of paperwork. they tell us we're supposed to compartmentalize + shut off empathy in order to function at our job (real thing they tell us in training!) and like... fuck that. i'm not smothering my humanity in order to meet performance requirements- except the alternative is working yourself to the brink of suicide lmao.

that being said, i didn't always feel like this (first two years were easier) and i have some pretty intense personal circumstances complicating it (dead brother, raging eating disorder, etc). i do feel like i have been able to make real + tangible impacts in others' lives, learned how to navigate the system well enough to use that knowledge in more radical spaces, build human connections with people who have never had that with providers before. having a radical perspective on the system will save you from a lot of burnout because you won't be one of the naive ones who think that social services + "educating" your clients will fix all their problems. most of the problems i am describing above are going to be present in almost all health/social services fields. if the state funds it, this is what they will do to it.

i'm going back to school in september + my goal is to pursue full time ethnographic research while utilizing my skills at navigating social services to assist ppl on a person to person level. in terms of how i got here- graduated dec 18, worked in residential mental health for like 2 months before fully cementing that there was no ethical way to do so (and getting horrifyingly triggered by it) -> americorps position at a local hospital doing community outreach during the day + nursing home/private duty elder care at night -> current job

[weebsinstash]

Bully romances are an entirely different can of worms, I love hate-reading them. It’s so frustrating cause the FLs always think with their vaginas even when the guy is their fucking bully/abuser and 99% the dudes are like. Committing felonies against the FLs/other students. The classicism also, cause most of the time it’s always a poor FL getting a scholarship to attend this super rich exclusive academy and she’s treated like shit cause they din’t think she deserves to be there freeloading of the “paying students”.

The synopsis always say “they tried to break me but I’m already broken by my shitty life dancing as a stripper as a 15 year old to support myself after the tragic death of my parents, they don’t know who they’re messing with” or “I’m feisty. I’m defiant. I’m not submissive like everyone else and I’ll fight them” and the book is them being walked all over and doing exactly the opposite. Like I understand not standing up to your bully because you’re afraid and you’re in a position where you can’t do that but girl do you HAVE to suck his dick the first chance you get???? It also has the same issue of 18-year-olds being sex gods who are like. Fucking teachers and getting away with it because money.

Anyways once I read a book where the guys where some on “next leaders of the world” bullshit so their parents would abandon these children in forests and have them fend for themselves and also learn to kill people and fly helicopters I shit you not. Ngl the “rich yandere bullies you, poor scholarship student” actually kinda 😳 juicy with the drama and toxicity potential but those books are just SO BAD.

Part of me is like, i feel like some bully romances could work but, idk, it depends on what you're consuming a story for? Like how sometimes we read angst and stories that are sad and have no happy endings because that's a different form of entertainment and catharsis you know? But if you're writing a story where the bully is the LI then at some point you have to confront all the horrible things they did and make them have consequences, otherwise you just have rhe protagonist getting, basically worn down until they're succumb in my opinion? Like that's one thing that bugs me when the bully aspect is brought up in these werewolf stories because they'll literally use pack dynamics and the mate bond to like brainwash their lovers against their will. Like there was one story I never even posted about that I dropped very quickly because the plot was "girl with strong wolf literally gets drugged with pheromones to have sex with her notoriously mean Alpha mate, she really doesn't have a choice, he wears her down enough that she isn't resisting by the time he decides 'oh I won't mark you by force I want you to want me'" but like, I'm trying to remember all the heinous shit he did? She didn't want to have sex with him and he orders her on her hands and knees and literally puts pheromones inside of her so she's aroused enough for them to have sex like that's drugging and coercion and rape like he literally puts her in the dungeon for a time out "until she learns her place"? And HES THE ML???? IM SUPPOSED TO LOOK PASSED THAT? Sorry I don't care if he spends 20 years apologizing. What is this mindset that some horrible things can be undone, like sometimes the fact you did it in the first place is enough to warrant consequences

You're hitting the nail on the head with that synopsis description bc before I pick a story I usually read the description and my god are some of them baaaaaad, and no grammar sometimes too 🙄 what is the vetting process for some of these? Some concepts just sound so kooky and also as an adult it can be skeezy when a lot of these stories are like, talking about minors in high-school having sex? Like sometimes they emphasize werewolves are naturally beautiful and sometimes they'll just basically sleep around with humans just for some warm holes that adore them and theres some fucked up mentality in that.

(As a side note I just found another audiobook thats like appropriate length and it seems high production value and even like the skill of the author is standing out to me 😳 but. I think the protag is the man in the relationship and I prefer when it focuses on the ladies but, lmao I guess more werewolf drama posts coming soon? Wow they make this girl bathe in the river and use an outhouse and she's the previous Alpha's daughter and an Alpha herself :/)

Tbh now that I'm, you know, getting older and I'm 26 now I don't mind toooo much when the male love interests are young but like don't throw that "he's only 20 and he's the richest ceo in the entire world and he owns a private island factory and owns 50 Bugattis and his dick is 10 inches" shit at me ok, and he's 20 and to me that means he might as well be like 16. Give me a man in his 30s or 40s. Where are the silver foxes. Let me fuck someone's fit grandpa. Reinhardt from Overwatch can still get in these guts

But yeah I really need to actually back into my phone bookmarks and catch up on all my manhwa again because a lot of them were really cathartic in terms of getting revenge and also, I didn't have to pay by the chapter for those 😅

[oh-phineas]

Your Name: Emma

Characters: Phineas Flynn, Tiana Truitt, Aquata Triton, Anna Sommers (Closed) Bruce White, Anastasia Tremaine, Tanya Tiwari, Mirabel Madrigal, Lightning McQueen, Samuel Smiegel, Roz Peterson-Boggs

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you!) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

Let's talk about Annie! She can be kind of a volatile muse for me— sometimes I am exploding with muse and I am just obsessed with her and other times I really struggle. But I love her and I've gotten to do some really fun things with her.

One thing that has really surprised me about Annie is her writing career. I did not plan that at all when I first got her, and I think I mostly took her in that direction because there were fun plot opportunities with Toby (shoutout to that man for getting her a job she absolutely was unqualified for) and only then did I realize this actually made so much sense for her. She loves gossip, she loves creating narratives around people, and she has a ruthless side that comes out in these harebrained plots with Toby. This was a 2022 plot, but I absolutely loved when they teamed up to "expose" Elena and Dian's relationship, and that little plot has snowballed to some fun ones that followed: investigating Hatter, and now this new attempt to expose the merperson they are writing to!

The thing that's fun to me about Annie's growth is that she is absolutely not becoming a better person, but I think she's becoming a more confident one. Which is... well, it's not a good thing, but in some ways, it still is? Part of the reason Annie is so heinous is that she basically had her whole sense of identity destroyed when she went through her divorce, she'd based her whole sense of self around this man and this life that ultimately betrayed her and she came to Swynlake basically floundering and taking that lack of self out on other people. Now, she is starting to build a career that she's proud of and she has something that's all her own. And it is um kind of destroying lives in the process but I DO think idk there's a way this could still lead to her being less horrible (or maybe it won't and you know that's okay we need villains!) I think a lot about this text post that's like "they make each other worse but in the same way they connect and feel less alone and discover they have the same complexes and as a result and grow as people and then somehow loop around to making each other better" and like I could see that for Annie. Maybe. We'll see. That crazy girl surprises me all the time!!!

I'm also really excited to have Drizella in town, and they've only interacted a little, but I just love them so far. You know me. Sucker for complicated sibling relationships.

Okay okay one more thing it was an AU so it doesn't really count toward her arc but her plot during the Happily Ever After AU was some of the most fun I've had in AUs. Such a blast. I loved her fucked up little situation with Gaston. More of that please.

Pick another character (or the same character if you only have one) and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them going into the new year? 

I have some big plans for Lightning McQueen, still figuring out exactly how to put them into action. He's trying to get his shit together, to prove to Cruz that he wants to be there for her and he does care about her, even if he's historically been really bad at showing it in any meaningful way. So I want to continue with his journey to learning how to do that. His friends are going to be a big part of that, namely Doc and Agustin. So I want to do more things with them. I've found something I really enjoy is having my character ask for advice from another character and then have that influence their actions, I just find it so fun and a good way to involve a bunch of different characters in a plot.

I think the thing that's a little daunting to me is figuring out how I'm going to handle his career and such. The difficult thing about Lightning is that his life is really defined by Racing Season and the Off Season, and if I don't get my plotting shit together by Racing Season I have to scramble. So I want to be really intentional about that this year and have a solid plan going in. That doesn't necessarily mean Lightning is going back to racing, but... it could. I just want to be intentional about it, basically.

Pick a thread or a plot that you’re proud of and talk about why you loved it. 

So last year I talked about closing Henry and I hope it's not boring for me to talk about closing Anna this year. I think closing is just such a big production for me and even though it can be difficult I end up taking the opportunity to coordinate some of my biggest and favorite plots around closes and that's why they're fun to talk about.

I'm proud of my Anna close because I feel like I did some creative things with it! I'd been setting this up since before Peri was even closed, laying the groundwork for them to stay in touch and then for Anna to put together that fundraiser in December of 2022. Then I organized the spring break trip to Norway, which was really fun to get other characters involved in, and there was also the Ashleigh and Evy stuff going on in the background. And we got to send her off with Olaf, which was just the perfect ending and I'm so happy Laur wanted to do it that way. Even if this close wasn't as crazy and dramatic as Henry's, I feel like I wrapped up the major beats of Anna's arc in a satisfying way and I got to do some unique things along the way. Hate to see her go but love to write her off <3

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 things you love to write about (metaphors? Sibling relationships? Physical description?) and talk about why you enjoy it! 

Complicated family and friendship dynamics. I think I'm at a place in my life where this is really one of the most important things to me, especially being from a big family and being at kind of a crossroads with a lot of relationships in my life as we all get older and have to navigate new weird dynamics. So I really love relationships where things are a little strained sometimes, where people love each other but don't always know how to express it, where people hold onto deep resentments or misunderstand each other, where people know they want to be in someone's life forever but that doesn't mean their relationship is perfect or even great, they just know they love them. I feel like I could go on and on but yeah to me I enjoy writing romantic relationships but the platonic and the familial are really taking center stage I think.

Situational comedy, silliness, and irony. I love a wacky plot, especially when it's satirizing something or or poking fun at the weirdness of our world and the people in it. And I think there's a lot of opportunity to do it in a low-fantasy setting like Swynlake. I think SSHIIT is a good example of this, or all the jokes about being dead that Tanya makes, and I feel like I do this a lot with Smee. Bruce's fish-out-of-water antics fit in here too, like I know all the people he bit was pretty bad but in a way it was also kind of funny to me lmfao. I think it's why I play a lot of villains who are total clowns. Idk I just always love a plot that starts with an incredibly wild concept but it's actually getting at something real and true. If that makes any sense lol.

What major updates have your characters gone through this year? (For example: beginning/ending a relationship, moving, starting a new job, adopting a pet, etc). Think if it as anything you would have put in the #character-updates channel. If you have a pinned post, consider adding these updates so everyone is aware of them in the future.

Phineas: Started his newest business venture, Build a Brand. Also built an app with Kim despite some setbacks and weirdness between the two of them. Played Kenickie in Grease. Started dating Fawn! Tore his ACL and underwent surgery to repair it. Worked on creating a new version of SSIC called SPF with Pip. Soon will be saying goodbye to his big sis who's going off to grad school.

Tiana: Helped bring Aurora back to the waking world! Said goodbye to Ella and Willa when they had to move away :( Started seeing Cora, first more casually and then slightly more seriously, though it is an open relationship.

Aquata: Moved in with Boo after Lana moved in with Jake. Graduated from Pride U with her master's degree in sport management and left Swynlake Secondary. Got rejected from the Pride U coaching job she thought she had in the bag. Began studying to do personal training at Olympus Gym. In an undefined situationship with James.

Bruce: Was broken up with by Snow, and ultimately became friends with her again. Played Vince Fontaine in Grease. Started his merperson support group with the help of Gil. Opened up to Herc about being a merman and even told him some things about life in the ocean. Began taking on more responsibility at Whosits and Whatsits.

Anastasia: Went to court with Tom over custody of Levi and got custody for one day/night per week. Played Patty Simcox in Grease. Investigated the disappearance of the Unbirthday Blend with Toby, only to have it return to the menu before they could publish. Launched a new investigation over the existence of mermaids in Swynlake. "Fired" Herc as head of the neighborhood watch, "hired" Kim only to have her quit, and is recruiting again. Had her sister show up in town.

Tanya: Crashed Pip's birthday party, sparking feuds with Pip, Milo, and Mim. Apologized and made up with Mim! Volunteered for tech on the summer play and began an online situationship with "Charlotte," aka Penny's online alter ego who looked like Jenny. Had a massive blowout with Penny when the truth was revealed. Began working at the Inn's dining room. Got back in touch with her sister, decided that she will eventually move on, and told Zero about this plan. Told Mim the truth about being a revenant.

Mirabel: Started dating Alice, and then they broke up when Alice left to be queen of the fae realm. Kissed Candace at a party and then started crying about Alice and ruined the mood. Stage Managed Grease. Bridesmaid in her sister's wedding. Started playing DnD with Eilonwy, Ian, Tony, and Dipper.

Lightning: Had a weird one-sided love affair with a fictional ghost named Thea that Jessie impersonated. Began volunteering with the kids' summer Magick Grand Prix camp, only to quit/be fired when Cruz overheard him talking shit about the program Rust-Eze. Officially decided to go on hiatus and take a step back from the racing world. Went on a disastrous date with Cass.

Smee: Decided, along with Hook, to leave Swynlake and go after the infamous crocodile monster. Injured his knee in July and it hasn't been quite the same since. Got involved in an art forgery project with James.

Roz: Made her debut! Karen moved back in and things have been tense ever since. Advised on the mission to go after Clayton and brought Leo in. Started to befriend Elinor.

Talk about your dash reply style and your Discord reply style! (And if applicable, also your doc reply style). What do you like about each type of interaction? What is something you feel is difficult? Do you have preferences regarding how many times you’re tagged per day, or do you prefer for your replies to be queued for a certain amount of time?

I'll do all three! I tend to suggest dash as the default, Discord when I want to do something quickly (or if I'm away from my laptop but want to do something) and docs for something that needs to post on a certain date or again if I want to do something quickly. I basically like all three the same, but the latter two are more likely to cause me to lose something so I just might need to be poked. I don't have any preferences on tagging per day, but I do tend to reply the next day (unless IRL stuff sets me behind schedule) so I just ask that people let me know if they want stuff queued! I also try to keep track of people who only want to be tagged once or twice, but as a general rule I will reply to everything unless otherwise told.

And now, a wishlist! Jot down a few themes or stories or genres etc that you want to maybe pursue in the upcoming year! (i.e. a good ol’ fashion forbidden romance, maybe you want to dig deep into racial identity etc) This doesn’t have to necessarily be attached to any characters or stories you have now– it’s just meant to help you see for yourself what kind of stories call to your heart.

I don't know how to make this happen but I would love to do an exes plot where they can't let it go and keep crawling back to each other. Basically I just want an excuse to pull this shit lmaooooo.

More messy breakups in general

MORE ORGANIZED CRIME

A road trip

Being Tempted By The Forces Of Darkness

More sports???

I always want to do more stupid uni shenanigans like idk remember when we taped someone to the wall

Get into more backstory stuff for my older characters, like Smee and Roz

The idea of this intimidates me weirdly but an absolutely hopeless crush. Like extremely down bad territory. UNREQUITED. With lots of ooc communication ofc

Rivals and sabotage

Weird wacky magic shenanigans, like random curses and stuff. I'm always forgetting we live in a magic town and we can just do that!

OPTIONAL: Why do you RP?

Because it's fun, because I love storytelling, because writing doesn't HAVE to be a solitary activity it can be a fun group project. Because I can experiment and try out new things and explore things that idk how to express in any other creative form. Because I love when I can do something I love and not feel like I'm competing with everyone, we're just all working together. Because I think having free hobbies is rlly important. And because even after all these years I still love playing pretend!

[hauntedurge]

delight's morals are air - tight, and while they're not judgemental about the companions being bitches to each other or strangers interpersonally, they do Not allow actually heinous Actions. like, it does not matter how nicely astarion asks or how much they care about astarion; if their choice is 'let astarion do a horrible thing that results in a lot of death/suffering/whatever' or 'kill astarion' they are going to kill astarion.

luckily, the stakes are very rarely that high; they're the leader of this merry band, so folks defer to them, and in ninety - nine out of a hundred interactions there are middle - grounds between "let this companion do a deeply evil fucked up thing" and "kill them." they can talk astarion down, they can just straight up tell him no and send him back to camp, et cetera. none of this causes any meaningful bad feelings in delight, either — they don't care that astarion wanted to do a bad thing, they care if he did it. and, since they're making most of the major decisions, he rarely gets to do it! so their feelings on astarion — or any other companion that is fucked up and evil — remain pretty positive, despite all their disagreements.

this can get complicated in a companion verse or a dual - protag verse, though, depending on the other protag's willingness / dedication to doing shitty stuff. if you try to do the Bad Thing but ultimately let them talk you down or do the less - evil thing because they've asked/demanded, that's fine. but if delight can't talk you down from making the evil choices, it's incredibly easy to accumulate disapproval really, really quickly, and they will straight up leave the party at key points if it gets to be too bad. both because they refuse to work with someone who sucks so much, but also because they're been a solo hero for a long time, and they can keep being a solo hero. their sense is 'tav's fucked this all up, but if i'm working alone again, maybe i can fix it, or at least salvage things for the survivors.' and if the worm in their brain gets too bad, they'll just kill themself before it can take them over. but they won't stay with a monster, help a monster hurt people, even to save their own life

off the top of my head, shit that's guaranteed to get delight to leave your ass is purposefully sacrificing the grove / the tieflings, and killing isobel and damning the survivors. it doesn't matter how much they owe you or how much they love you. they won't help you massacre people like their family was massacred. if they get the sense they've got a good chance at succeeding, they might even try to kill you about it.

[aquaaquila]

Let me join thus conversation:

The solid burn was regarding the "and you won't last a day here" that was the burn, not the home invasion.

And while Poppy's action was extreme, arguably Branch just had it coming. For years he was pretty much shitting on every troll celebration, even the small and unproblematic ones out of his sheer paranoia while also actively rejecting any attempts at trolls, in particularly Poppy, reaching out to him.

Of course the trolls lacked maturity to properly understand Branch's pain I can give it that, but Branch literally did not need to be asshole to them. Trauma is not an excuse to be a dick. Like, Snack Pack was rather tired of his BS and the only one who was actually an asshole was Creek. And like, didn't Branch himself broke into someone's house to wreck stuff inside and disrespect the ones living there in his paranoia? And how were the trolls even supposed to understand his concerns if he refused to ellaborate? Branch for them had no explanation so they didn't have other option than to think he's a drama queen.

And supposedly in spite of Branch being "right", he still didn't care himself enough to actually help out the other trolls. Like I can understand his cynism regarding saving the snacklack, but my dude was willing to live in solitude for 11 years not caring if people from his village would be safe. Heck, he wouldn't join them if they all moved and didn't care if they got eaten. That's a bit liw, sure the trolls wronged him but it doesn't mean he should be indifferent and numb to their suffering. I doubt anyone in snackpack (outside of Creek) would be ok or indifferent with Branch getting hurt in any way in spite of lack of friendship between them.

Poppy ultimately raiding his home had 2 objectives in mind: find temporary shelter for her people and convince Branch to help her as Poppy knew she couldn't do this on her own even if she was willing to try. It's not really villanous if my dude refused to be decent in favor of being butthurt. Branch maybe the most scared but he was the most competent in dealing with them. She also didn't use her power as a royalty to make all of this happen. Poppy could've been a normal troll and still bring everyone over simply because she's liked as a person, not as a princess. And cool he worked years for all his stuff in the bunker, but it still was just junk and Branch can have more than just that, something that shall nlt lose value the moment it stops being useful.

And now onto ukulele scene: Poppy is clearly struggling here, like the girl was stressed (and can you blame her after what she went through?) hence she had hard time sleeping. And her singing wasn't as loud as her party and ukulele was more to spite Branch who's also being a bitch here. Both Branch and Poppy can be jerks. And ironically the ukulele seemed to tame the wildlife around them which I would say made them a lot safer if all foresy creatures joined to harmonise in Poppy's song, big and small, and one wouldn't want to mess with such vibe.

And Poppy herself showed how resilient trolls can be when put in dangerous situations, and the lack of common sense comes from them living safely in the village while preserving happiness to an extreme degree.

And such petition won't work with Branch being fan fave and JT being influential to the movie. And Poppy was way more important in first 2 movies than Branch.

And maybe uf Creek was actually sorry for going through with Chef's plan, maybe he wouldn't die. Is Creek sorry for what he did? Even if he had no choice, ANYONE would feel like shit after committing something so heinous (he still wrote a death sentence to EVERYONE in his village), but did Creek feel bad? Agency will cime from that.

Cool idea about Poppy's mom, but I'd think she wouldn't be as broken as Poppy KNOWS family is complicated. Having a bad mom is not world-shattering anymore.

Okay, this has honestly been in the back of my mind for years now, but I feel like I must ask. Did anyone else feel an immense feeling of anger/discomfort when Poppy brought the entire village into Branch's bunker? Because I did. When I first saw it, I felt uncomfortable. And to this day, I get the ick thinking about it. Like, I get why she did it, and I understand that it was the safest thing to do for the village, but like... I can't explain just how upsetting it was to me. Branch is a better person than I am, because if it were me, just... no. And she didn't even ask properly! And then had the audacity to say it was a solid burn returned like??? No? No it wasn't? That was a home invasion, not a snipe back at him, what? In what world is his comment on her life skills even remotely on the same level as her just letting the ENTIRE VILLAGE in his house? And they weren't even good houseguests either! They IMMEDIATELY started messing with his stuff, like, have these trolls never heard of proper guest etiquette? Look, I love Poppy, but she can seriously get on my nerves a lot. Especially since the movies made it so that in the end, she doesn't really learn much because her screw ups have a way of completely disappearing with little to no consequences.

To add to this, anyone else feel like when rewatching the first Trolls movie, that Branch was in the right, and that he was done so dirty by so many? Like, the ukulele scene. As a kid, I did think Branch was being rude, but now? Those 2 were literally out in the woods, with who knows what out there. Poppy literally got her friends kidnapped by a BERGEN literally the DAY BEFORE, and she's going back to singing loudly? Like, Poppy, babe, are you TRYING to die? Her whole song just shows how much plot armor Poppy has because, seriously? Not to mention, trolls are tiny, so her singing could genuinely put a target on them. I feel like the only reason Branch didn't up and say this is because it probably should be common knowledge, but apparently, pop trolls don't really have much common sense. I really wish they had Branch explain it though, because as a kid, I thought him to be a killjoy and unnecessarily bossy. But now? Yeah, I can see why singing in the forest when you're tiny might not be the best idea. Makes me wonder just how the pop trolls survived all this time?

I love Poppy, I really do. She's fun, nice, and is a complex protagonist (who is awesome and not a Mary Sue, though the same can't be said for TBGO/Trollstopia Poppy) whose character development is very visible. However, the writers really focus more on Branch's character development than hers and focus more on finding new ways to traumatize him than finding ways to make Poppy more mature, and that's what really bugs me about Poppy's character.

I really wanna start a petition for DreamWorks to lay off Branch for once and give Poppy more attention. I'm not asking to all out traumatize her (though the idea of DreamWorks giving her the Branch Treatment is funny in the mean way) but it would be nice if they gave her another journey where she has to learn and grow, and for there to be consequences that aren't easily waved away by a song and dance. TWT did a decent job at it (it could have been better, but it was a start), and I really need DreamWorks to do something like that (but better, obviously) again.

That being said, I do like how they handled Broppy. They went from rival/strangers to friends to lovers. It didn't happen instantly, and the progression of the relationship didn't feel rushed or forced. They both have an equal standing in the relationship and are supportive of each other. It's cute, and I'm glad DreamWorks at least got that right.

This should have probably been separate asks, but oh well. YOLO or whatever. I just really wanna know your thoughts.

I'm mostly of the same mind it angers me but I get why she did it I feel at the very least she should have told everyone to behave themselves and not act like they were teenagers throwing a house party while their parents were away for the night.

some people have said that maybe she did in on purpose to pressure Branch into going with her but I prefer to think that wasn't the case because in my opinion that would be straight up villainous.

a Royal abusing their power to put pressure on a civilian to Risk their life to rescue a group of your friends who are in danger due to your incompetent leadership.

not to mention a civilian who she knows is more terrified of the Bergens than anyone else in the village.

yeah that would make her an out and out villain imo so I prefer to think that wasn't her intention.

I don't feel its so bad it needs to be changed in the story overall but I would have liked it had Branch actually called her out on it.

basically just have him angrily point out to her after she acts like it wasn't a big deal because it was just a bunch of old Junk. that it wasn't just a place to him it was his home and that wasn't just a load of old Junk it was stuff he worked hard for years to make and it made him feel safer it was the only place he actually felt safe and like he could relax.

maybe prompting Poppy to actually give a more genuine apology as before she just thought of his home as him being over the top for the sake of it.

since she and the village just viewed him as a Drama queen and she didn't really realise his fears were actually so genuine that the Bunker actually mattered to him that deeply.

part of me thinks the intent by the writers was for her consequences in the first film to be being betrayed by Creek who she cared about but yeah that whole thing could have been handled better.

her and her dads leadership put him in danger and he literally said what he had to say in order to avoid being eaten alive he didn't really have any agency in the betrayal.

so Poppy's somber pleas for him to not go through with it kinda make me mad tbh like this whole situation is your fault yet my guy Creek is expected to die because of it.

so your incompetent dad can live? yeah no.

also if you made that Petition for Branch I'd totally sign it 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

and I agree Poppy deserves some more focus and development tho a touch of angst for her I think could maybe be a good thing in making her character stronger.

like I've said before maybe having Peppy die in a future film and her at first trying to ignore her grief by focusing on her queen duties and slapping on her usual smile worrying both Branch and Viva.

or having her mother turn up in the future like some fans have suggested only for her to be a selfish villain who couldn't care less about Poppy and Viva.

and this is the proper shock to Poppy's "" family is always great "" mentality as even with Bro zone they worked things out in the end making her think no family could be entirely broken.

but her mother literally doesn't give a shit if her children live or die and she maybe abandoned them both when Poppy was a baby.

drawing a little contrast with Branch only for the mother to have zero remorse since she didn't want children and maybe she was only with Peppy for status as royalty.

and Bro zone could be shown as being more remorseful over the past even a while after the events of TBT which contrasts with Poppy's mom kinda nicely.

anyway I'm getting off topic a bit lol but yeah I agree Poppy needs more focus and Branch's needs to be picked on less by the writers.

but I feel a touch of angst directed Poppy's way could give her some good development and make her a stronger character overall.

edit. also as someone who doesn't like Hugs Poppy's smug stunt with the Hug time Bracelets does make me a little mad like tell the Trolls to Respect people's Boundaries Girl.

[candlebel]

[In therapy for attachment issues]

The realization I present symptoms of emotional abuse and still… wonder if I was really abused…

I really wasn't aware of how bad it actually is.

I recently mentioned in a post that I felt like I'm narcissistic. It's starting to click now that I was gaslit into oblivion, into believing I am a narcissist. When in reality my fear and refusal to do gestures of caring for others, hyperfocusing on myself and keeping to myself is… ...trauma from being blamed and guilttripped over and over. It's part of the numbness/freezing/"what for" response I described in this post. It's the entire thing all over again. I'm so tired of people judging me. Back then I would actually do gestures for others who only saw me as an acquaintance while I cherished and mistook us for friends.

Imagine being a people pleaser with ZERO self esteem and be told you're only thinking about yourself.

Imagine having a triggered/recall/meltdown/a strong response you can't really control and still desperately want to apologize for "being difficult".

I don't quite like admitting I was abused/bullyied yet because trully, can't help to feel what happened to me wasn't that bad. And I put myself in that situation. It feels absolutely horrible to me, but if I had to say what it is I'm 100% sure most people won't think it was that bad and WON'T take me seriously. Even though facts speak for themselves. Even though on 2020-2021 I was passively suicidal. Even though I self harmed too, through physical means, sleep deprivation and self-imposed isolation. I fried my brain and very assuredly kept saying "it's not that bad". Here it is again. I'm so tired. I'm livid at not being taken seriously, needing to "prove it", that's what I'm fighting tooth and nail to not let happen again.

Now in the present, I have some behaviors that are frankly rude and uncorteous, mostly ignoring others or leaving mid conversation without warning when I need a moment to calm down. Addressing/aknowledging people exacerbates the trigger/anxiety/panic/whatever, I get it must be weird and ridiculous. I don't do shit out of malice or lack of consideration. I'm considerated when I'm stable. The "mean" stuff, I do it to protect my fragile mental state because I've been fucking suicidal before and if I don't take care of myself, no one will do it for me. I DO feel sorry for being rude, I do not like it, it's not fun to me, but if I feel I'm gonna have a meltdown and gonna internalize stuff, l have to protect myself. Specially if I feel straightup hurt. My rudeness is not a heinous crime and I don't deserve to be judged harshly for it. People are free to not give me a pass and walk away, I'm not gonna blame them for it, think it's unfair or ask anyone to stay. It's not like I haven't ALREADY been pushing people away gently for years.

Me personally, I'm open about certain personal stuff online only to explain my present behavior, why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do, how serious it is, for others to know upfront what they're getting into, and hopefully receive some compassion, even if... it feels like I don't deserve compassion, like that makes me entitled... but I want it. And maybe be forgiven, cause it's not my fault. But never because I want to be put up with. Not what I'm looking for. Don't be a martyr for me please.

This post is rather to assure myself and remember myself later that I can face rejection. I can face abandonment. I can face loss. I'm not for everyone and that's ok. Not everyone is for ME and that's ok. I'm not the horrible person I've been believing I am. But others are allowed to think that. To not understand me. To judge me. To see things their way. It's their feelings and that's ok. I know who I am. I know what I felt. I'll be fine. I can be fine. Just let go.