#make it with him to the bed he’s only 6lbs but my arms felt like they’d fall off n the tiny amount of body heat from him on my chest made me

[bitchdafuqyousay]

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[boldlyvoid]

10 Days

this is for @imagining-in-the-margins father's day fic challenge <3

summary: it's spencer's first father's day and he's extremely emotional about the little love of his life that he's only just met. he spends the day with his baby, Edwin, and his wife, crying and happy about how wonderful new little lives are.

a/n: just a lot of new dad spencer fluff ♥︎ happy father's day everyone

word count: 1.4K

Read on Ao3

10 days.

That’s how long it has been since he became a father. Holding the small gift the love of his life brought into the world, Edwin was so tiny. He slept, swaddled up, resting against Spencer’s knees as he sat up in bed. Y/N asleep on the pillow beside them.

Spencer couldn’t believe how perfect his life had become. Edwin’s small coo’s and grunts as he slept making him smile at the perfect little being they created. All 6lbs, 10oz and 21 inches of pure perfection, joy and love.

He was peaceful, his cute little button nose twitched as he pouted. About to wake up, hungry as the sun rose, like clockwork. He blinked as his eyes adjusted to the light, looking around with his deep brown eyes before he started to wail.

“Shhh,” Spencer soothed him as he brought him to his chest, bouncing him softly as Y/N started to wake up.

She yawned beside him, stretching into a banana shape as she did so. Curling around him slightly before sitting up, keeping her eyes closed as she swallowed a few times and became a person again.

“Good morning,” Spencer spoke over the slight crying.

“Hello,” she replied, opening one eye as she un-clipped her nursing bra, “hand him over.”

Spencer laid him in her arms, watching as she led him towards the nipple. He latched with no problems, she tilted her head back against the headboard and closed her eyes once again. She had become a pro at sleeping while feeding, excited for when he was finally big enough that she could just roll over and feed him while laying down.

Spencer watched as Edwin's little hand found its way out of the swaddle, reaching up to hold the side of her boob. His eyes wide open as he ate, staring up at his mother with amazement.

Spencer always felt a bit emotional when he really looked at them. Seeing all the best qualities of both himself and Y/N in him already, Edwin was the most perfect baby he had ever seen.

He couldn’t believe sometimes that he was his son.

He leaned his head onto Y/N’s shoulder, cuddling into her as he reached out to cup Edwin’s tiny little head. Rubbing his thumb over the soft spot covered in hair. He loved them so much it felt overwhelming.

He kissed her shoulder softly, feeling her smile as her cheek pressed against his head. “Happy Father’s Day,” she whispered.

“Thank you,” he felt the tears well before one slipped out, trailing his cheek before dropping to her shoulder in a small splash.

“Oh Spence,” she started to cry too, laughing into the tears. Making her chest bounce and disturb Edwin’s breakfast.

“I just love you so much, they’re happy tears,” Spencer said softly before he kissed her cheek.

“Seriously, Spence,” she looked at him softly, still all puffy from sleep and the pregnancy. “Making you a dad is the best thing I’ve ever done.”

“Seeing you become a mom was like, everything just connected and the world made sense,” he explained softly. “The way you just powered through and suddenly you’re helping reach down and bringing this life into the world,” he started crying again. “It was magical, the feeling of becoming a father at that moment, seeing the life we made?” He had to stop to catch his breath as he cried, lifting his shirt up to wipe his tears off his face.

“I know,” she cried in agreement, looking down at her beautiful little boy as he ate away, unaware that his sleep-deprived parents were having a moment.

“I love you,” Spencer laughed, leaning in to kiss her on the lips finally.

There was a knock on their bedroom door then, “come in?” Y/N answered as Spencer sat back against the headboard beside her.

“Good morning,” her mother and Diana cheered softly as they walked in, breakfast for the both of them on trays. “Happy father’s day!”

“Oh my god,” Spence got overwhelmed again, covering his face so he wouldn’t cry in front of them too.

“Thank you guys,” he could hear the smile on Y/N’s face as she spoke. “You didn’t have to do all this?”

“Spencer used to make me breakfast on both Father’s and Mother’s day, I thought I’d repay the favour,” Diana recalled the memory with a soft smile.

“Thank you, mom,” Spencer said as Diana placed the tray on his lap, hugging him softly before she moved back.

“We’ll leave you alone now,” Y/N’s mom added as she placed the other tray on Y/N’s side of the bed. “Call me if you need anything else?”

“Sure thing, thanks nanny,” Y/N replied, using her mother’s new nickname.

It was so nice having both of them visit, they were very helpful. Allowing them to have time to shower and use the bathroom, they cleaned the house and made all the meals while Y/N and Spencer bonded with their little miracle.

It was the best father’s day he could have asked for, with the best wife, the best son and the best family in the whole world.

He was overfilled with joy, bursting at the seams and the tears never stopped. Even as he quietly ate his own breakfast, he was sniffling and wiping the occasional tear. It was overwhelming, he was tired, he was so in love, it was just a lot for him.

When Edwin was done eating, Y/N passed him back to Spencer with a smile. Spencer held him in his arms gently before placing a burp rag in his lap and burping the little guy. Patting his back, he let out a deep burp and then sighed, making Spencer laugh. He was so cute, it was insane.

He held him close, resting Edwin’s tiny little head on his shoulder as he cradled him, bounding slightly to help him fall back to sleep, Y/N called him the baby whisperer. He was amazing, he just had to hold Edwin with his arms crossed and tilt him at an angle, and he'd stop crying. It was like Magic seeing Spencer with a baby, he just knew what he was doing.

He changed Edwin like it was nothing, he talked to him like a big kid already as he changed or bathed him. She’d overhear him in the bathroom, his voice echoing off the tiled walls as he goes on and on in Edwin’s ear about how diapers are made and how they looked for the safest ones for his little bum. It was adorable.

Edwin was wonderful, full of excitement and joy and hope. He looked at everything like it was magic, learning about the world through his brand new eyes as Spencer was gifted with witnessing it all. It was magnificent, he loved colours and belly kisses and he smiled when you poke his cheeks. He was the best thing Spencer’s ever helped make, and he was so completely in love with him. His little baby, the reason he’s a father.

His whole life was in Edwin’s hands now; whatever he wanted, Spencer would be it. Whatever he needed, Spencer would get it. He was wrapped around his finger like his life depended on it, and Spencer was fine with that. He would sell his soul for him, step in front of a bullet or a speeding train, the love he had for this little baby was unspeakably large for how small he was.

He’s wide awake in Spencer’s arms, tilting his head and licking his lips as he stares up at his father. Spencer smiles down at him, amazed by everything going on inside his mind. Thinking about the electrons firing, the memories being made and re-written by the second as he learns and explores, colours erupting in his mind like nebulas.

“Did you know you’re named after Edwin Hubble?” Spencer whispers to him, booping his nose gently, “he’s the reason we can see the stars so well, why people were able to complete their dreams and go to the stars. To see the far off worlds and contemplate what’s out there… to see a greater purpose for us all.”

Edwin had no idea what he was talking about, but he was so content listening. Knowing his dad’s voice very well from all the talking he did to Y/N’s belly over the long 9 months of anticipation to meet him.

“You’re my stars, you’re my greater purpose,” he whispers, bring him closer so he can kiss his tiny little forehead. “I love you.”

[spicymayo1983]

Hiya. This is chapter 14. The time has finally arrived and you've gone into labor.

As you go through a long labor in the hospital you and Poe reflect on your relationship and how life will change once the baby is here.

Warnings, childbirth, some language, this is mainly a fluff chapter but I'll still add the under 18 warning because the previous chapters are too sexy. Lol.

Your screams jolted Poe right out of a sound sleep.

It was 4 AM, as usual you were awakened by pressure and the intense urge to pee.

The baby absolutely loved to curl up and snooze right on your bladder for whatever reason.

He was just a baby and he already had to make things weird, you thought with a chuckle.

Things don't feel quite right after you relieve yourself.

It was the morning after sex with your husband and you assumed the discomfort was from taking him in too deep.

Your water has broken, all over the bathroom floor. The pain is the worst you've ever felt, Poe heard your anguished screams and ran into the bathroom.

"The baby is coming!" You shriek as the pain has you practically doubled over. "We need to go, now".

Once at the hospital you are admitted into the maternity ward. You're in active labor but you've refused pain medication.

You want to deliver your child as naturally as possible..

To distract you from the pain you and Poe talk, mainly you reflect on your long relationship.

You had gone from childhood best friends, to teenage lovers to married couple having a baby in your 30's.

You are resting in bed, on your side, breathing in and out while you time your contractions.

Poe was holding your hand, rubbing your back and offering you kisses and words of encouragement.

You can see the excitement and fear in his dark eyes. Part of him is excited that his son will be here but the other part of him hates to see you suffer through the pain of labor.

But you're a strong woman, and you're handling labor surprisingly well.

"I don't know how you can tolerate this". Poe tells you as he leans over and kisses you softly. "You're amazing".

"I would be thrilled just to have this baby out of me". You tell him with a soft smile. "The little guy has worn out his welcome".

"Remember when we were both 4 and our mothers introduced us to each other?" Poe tells you with a laugh. "Because I sure do".

"Ugh, you were such a little dork". You tease with a hearty laugh. "How can I forget?"

Yavin 4, 30+ years earlier

The Bey-Dameron farm and the Lanith-Erris farms were next door to each other.

When you were both 4 your mother's arranged a meeting and play date with you and Poe.

Poe was such a beautiful little child, with large, dark eyes and a messy mop of out of control, curly hair on his head.

But he was extremely shy around you at first. In fact as soon as Poe laid his eyes on you for the first time he ran off and hid in a nearby outbuilding.

It took a couple more play dates before he actually began to talk to you. But eventually the ice broke and the two of you became fast friends.

Present day

"I guess it was love at first sight?" Poe said with a slight laugh and a shrug of his shoulders.

"You were so adorable, though". You tell him with a laugh as you wince through the pain. "I can only hope our son is half as cute as you were".

"Hey remember when we were 7 and you wanted to know if boys were different than girls?" He continued, blushing a little. "You pulled your dress up and panties down and I took my pants off, and well, our moms caught us?"

"I'm still slightly dead inside from that". You tell him, your laugh becoming heartier. "Ugh, so mortifying!"

"I kept warning you that boys were different but you wouldn't listen". Poe continued, still laughing. "You didn't believe me so I showed you".

"To this day I'm still wondering why, at 7, you weren't wearing any underwear". You tease, giggling hysterically.

"I was planning on showing you that day and figured it would be easier without any added steps". He explained, still laughing.

"You didn't have to scream and run away when I lifted my dress up". You tease.

"Well, you just said gross and covered your eyes". Poe said with a slight laugh. "So my response was more innocent".

"Oh shut up, you have the nerve to talk about innocence when you were commando at 7". You continue, as you feel your contractions get more intense and closer together.

"I'll never forget our first kiss". Poe continued, leaning down and kissing you softly.

Yavin 4, 25 years ago

You've known each other since you were 4 and had become best friends. You were both 12, and you had noticed the sweet little boy next door was maturing into a handsome teen.

It was a time in your life when you were becoming interested in boys. You had recently gotten your first period and felt like an adult.

Poe had mild acne and just a tiny amount of stubble on his face. His voice had recently changed too.

After spending the day climbing trees and hiking with him the two of you take a break in a small clearing next to a large tree.

It was a flawless Spring day, not too much wind and the temperature felt just right.

You were both on your backs, relaxing and looking at the clouds drift by together.

Poe had his arms wrapped around you affectionately, you were cuddling.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, y/n". He told you, whispering softly into your ear.

The two of you snuggle closer, Poe surprises you by kissing you softly on the lips.

You giggle softly and kiss him back.

Present day

"That was adorable". You tell him, closing your eyes from pain. "It was the perfect first kiss".

"I had feelings for you and just went for it". Poe explained, smiling softly. "And here we are today, preparing to welcome our son into the world".

"I knew that day that I was going to spend the rest of my life with you". You tell him, your eyes meeting his. "It was meant to be all along".

You were getting exhausted physically. Your labor still wasn't progressing as quickly as you'd hope it would.

You manage to somehow fall asleep, Poe is seated next to you and dozes off too.

When you are awakened by the doctor and nurse you're fully dilated and ready to go.

It's very early in the morning and you are half asleep when you start pushing.

Five big pushes later and you're done. Your beautiful baby boy is born.

You're proud that you did it with no medication.

He's only a few moments old but it's clear whom he resembles more. He had dark hair and his father's beautiful eyes.

He looked like a tiny doll with perfect little features, you were obviously biased but he was gorgeous.

The nurses in the room were all gushing over him too.

He has a loud, robust cry too. It's clear that he's a warrior too.

You're in tears as you cradle your newborn in your arms, swaddled in a soft blue blanket.

He's little, just over 6lbs and 20 inches long, but he's extremely healthy.

"Isn't he so handsome?" Poe says with a light laugh as he cradles his newborn son in his arms for the first time. "Only ten minutes old and already breaking hearts".

"You're only saying that because he looks just like you". You tease with a smile as you close your eyes from exhaustion.

"What are we going to name this little guy?" Poe asks as he kisses him on the head.

"Boe". You reply, smiling softly. "Boe and Poe, isn't that adorable?"

"I love it". He replies, smiling. "Watch out galaxy, Boe and Poe are here".

End of chapter 14

[loveisblindfanfictionbka]

Love Is Blind: Chapter Seventeen

Robyn blinked a few times as she woke up but everything in her view was blurry. It seemed like a flurry of white running past her face. Her head hurt, hell, her whole body hurt. What was going on?

Chris paced in the waiting room of the hospital. They’d been here for over three hours and yet nothing had changed. Walking into his bedroom to see the sheets covered in blood and Robyn not moving completely stopped his heart.

“Daddy.”

Chris turned to see Anesa waking up in her seat in the waiting room. He rushed over to sit next to her, “yes Love Bug, what’s the matter?”

“Can we leave yet? Is Mommy coming out?”

“No, the doctors are still checking on Mommy so we can’t leave right now.”

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

“Let me see if I can order you something to eat, ok?”

“Ok.”

Chris walked over to the nearby nurse’s desk, “Excuse me, is there any place I can order something to eat?”

“Sure,” the nurse handed him a list of restaurants that delivered to the hospital, “anyone of these can deliver here.”

“Thank you. Do you have any information about Robyn Fenty-Brown yet?”

“Not at this time but I can page the doctor for you.”

“That would be appreciated. Thank you.”

Chris went to sit back with Anesa as he looked through the food listing. Seeing a pizza place that had an online ordering system, he decided to order that way. He looked over at Anesa, who went back to sleep in the chair. He pulled his jacket back over her body then gently rubbed her back.

Robyn’s vision still hadn’t completely cleared but the room became more familiar as she looked around. She was in the hospital, apparently. She tried to move her hands but it felt like she was strapped down. She tried to talk but something was in her mouth. Her brain was sending off all kinds of warnings. Something was really wrong. Her eyes darted from side to side, people were rushing around but nobody was really paying attention to her. It felt like her lungs were imploding. Her chest hurt. She couldn’t breathe. What was happening?

“Code Blue. Room 320,” came over the loudspeaker. Chris watched as two nurses rushed in the direction of Robyn’s room. He looked to Anesa, she was still asleep. He gathered her into his lap and rocked her gently. Last thing he wanted was for her to finally get a mommy, just to lose her.

She could feel them pressing something to her chest. It was warm.This beeping noise rang in her ears and she tried to open her eyes again. Everything was still kind of blurry but the white spots were staring at her now, giving her all their attention unlike before.

“Ms. Fenty, can you hear me? This is Dr. Richardson,” a deep voice said softly as a light flashed in her vision.

She nodded her head, or at least she tried to, since she couldn’t speak. Whatever was in her mouth was itchy and uncomfortable.

“Ok Ms. Fenty, we are going to unstrap your arms and remove your breathing tube. This may be a little uncomfortable.”

She tried to nod again. Soon, she felt her arms being released then something being pulled from her throat. She coughed a few times then smacked her lips together.

“Don’t try and talk yet. You were admitted due to severe bleeding and unconsciousness, ok?”

Robyn pressed her hand to her belly in question.

“Your baby is in the NICU. We did an emergency c-section but you had a seizure. That’s why your body was strapped down to eliminate the possibility of you hurting yourself, ok?”

Robyn nodded again. She needed to know where Chris and Anesa were. She coughed, “my husband. Daughter?”

“Don’t talk, your throat is very sore. They are in the waiting room. We can bring them to you, ok?”

Robyn nodded.

Dr. Richardson went over to a nurse and instructed them to give Robyn some water while he retrieved her family from the waiting room.

Chris watched as Robyn’s doctor came over to where he was sitting with Anesa in his lap, “is she ok? I heard the code.”

“She’s fine. Waking up with the tubes and having her hands strapped down kind of freaked her out is all.”

“Is she still awake?”

“Yes. We’ve removed the tube and the straps. Her throat is still fairly sore so try not to have her talk too much just yet. I’m gonna take you to see her.”

“And the baby is still ok? Last I checked, they said I could only see him through the glass.”

“Your son is still in the NICU. Right now he is on a ventilator and feeding tube. He’s a decent size but his lungs are underdeveloped. He may have to remain here for a week or so at the least before we can release him.”

“Will we be able to hold him at some point?”

“Once we get his breathing stabilized, we’ll see about having a nurse bring you and his mother to see him.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem.”

Chris followed Dr. Richardson to Robyn’s room and sat in the chair beside her bed. Dr. Richardson stepped out to speak with a nurse as Chris shifted Anesa more comfortably in his lap, “Robyn?”

She turned her head to face him and tried to smile but her face still felt stiff.

“Hey Baby. You scared the life out of me.”

She shook her head in disappointment as she croaked out a hoarse, “Sorry.”

“No, don’t talk. The doctor said it’s better if you don’t. You want something to write on?”

She nodded her head and Chris handed her a notepad and pen that was left on the nearby table. She scribbled sloppily and pushed the notepad over to Chris. It read, “did our baby die?”

Chris shook his head, “No, the baby didn’t die. His lungs were underdeveloped so he’s in the NICU right now. Once they get him stabilized, they’ll let us see him.”

Him? We had a boy? Did you see him?

“Yes, I saw him. He’s beautiful. He’s got a head full of black curls and green-brown eyes.”

Who found me?

“I did. I came home early after picking Anesa up from camp and found you in the bed. The doctor said that you hemorrhaged because your placenta had tore away from your uterus. Luckily, they got you stabilized and to the hospital in time to save you and the baby.”

Are you mad at me?

“What? Of course not. It wasn’t anything that you did. Sweetheart, you did everything possible to make sure our baby boy is healthy and he’s still here. Everything will be fine.”

When can I leave?

“They haven't told us yet. They’ll probably keep you for observation since you had a seizure after your c-section.”

Robyn nodded in understanding as she set the notepad back on the table and reached her arms out for Anesa. Chris smiled as he carefully shifted some of her tubes aside and placed Anesa in her lap. Robyn cradled her and rocked her gently before placing a kiss on her forehead. She looked over at Chris and asked softly, “did she see?”

“No, she just saw the ambulance. I kept her in her room until they had you covered and on the gurney.”

Robyn nodded, “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Sweetheart. I really almost lost you today. I- I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

Chris wiped her face as he saw a few tears fall out of her eyes, “I just want you to know that I love you so much and I’m so glad that you made it and that our baby made it. I- you’re a blessing and I want you to know that I know it and I cherish it and I can’t wait until I can take you and our baby home to show that to you. Every day.”

Robyn reached out her hand and Chris pressed her palm to his face, “you do.”

“Not too much talking like the doctor said. But I’m gonna do more and just- all I could think about was you leaving and not knowing how much I love and care for you. I couldn’t remember if I told you I loved you that morning, if I had remembered to hug and kiss you goodbye. Nothing else mattered in the moment that I saw you.”

“Mel. Le.”

“I haven’t gotten a chance to call anyone yet. I left a message with your parents and Jessica but that was it. Everything just happened so fast, I wasn’t even thinking about it.”

She nodded her head in understanding and touched the side of his face again. Chris kissed her palm then held her hand in his, “I’m gonna take a leave of absence for a few weeks while you and the baby recover. I-”

Chris was cut off by a knock on the door. It was the pizza delivery guy. Chris walked over to grab the food and gave the guy a tip before sliding the door closed. He set the bag onto the rolling hospital table then moved it against the wall behind him, “Anesa wanted dinner but she’s still asleep.”

Robyn went to tap her and Chris shook his head, ”don’t wake her. She needs her rest. I’m thinking you need some rest too. Are you tired?”

Robyn shook her head, “No. Thirsty.”

Chris grabbed her cup and poured some water from a pitcher into it along with a straw. He held up to her mouth and Robyn drained the cup of every bit of liquid. She coughed then lied back against her pillows, “you going home?”

“No, I don’t really wanna leave you. I’ll see if Jess can pick up Anesa so she can go home.”

Robyn nodded then looked down at Anesa and smoothed her hand over her hair, “she’s so peaceful.”

“She was really worried about her mommy. I’m sure she can tell that you’re holding her”

“I hope so.”

                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh Babe, he’s adorable,” Robyn remarked softly as Chris pushed her next to the incubator. Their son weighed 6lbs 7 oz. Even though his size was fairly average, the underdevelopment of his lungs was the major concern.

“Yea, he even looks like me a little bit.”

“More than a little. He’s so handsome.”

“He is.”

“Have you thought of a name?”

“Not yet. You?”

“Christian Amir Brown.”

“Christian, huh?”

Robyn laughed, “I think it’s fitting considering how this all started up again.”

“I can take that. I love the name, Robyn.”

“Good. So we agree.”

“We agree.”

Chris kissed her temple just as a nurse came into the room.

“Hi Family. I’m Nurse Jasmine. I heard someone came to hold their little one for the first time,” she said.

“Yes. Hoping we can take him home,” Robyn replied.

The nurse carefully opened the incubator and picked the baby up to set him in Robyn’s lap, “the steroids are taking their time to strengthen his lungs but hopefully it’ll only take a few more days. First baby?”

“Biological. We have an adopted daughter at home.”

“That’s awesome.”

Robyn gently brushed her hand across his head, “is there anything else wrong with him?”

“Nope. No infections. No oxygen deprivation or nothing. Your husband found you right in time.”

“He’s always been good at that,” Robyn said as she looked up at him, “thank you for taking care of him.”

“Oh of course. He really is an adorable little honey. Well I’ll give you some time alone with him, just ring the button if you need someone.”

The nurse left and Chris grabbed a chair to sit next to Robyn, “he’s so calm.”

“I know.”

“So about this husband thing?”

“What?”

Chris raised his brow and Robyn laughed, “we have the same last name, you’re my emergency contact so everybody just assumed we are married. It’s easier than having to keep correcting people.”

“You know we were married before, we could totally make it happen again.”

“Christopher, I know where you are going with this. Not right now.”

“Ok.”

“You wanna take him for a little bit?”

“Absolutely.”

Chris moved closer to grab the infant in his hands while Robyn rolled out of the way. He slid his chair closed to the incubator so he wasn’t pulling the cords while Robyn maneuvered her wheelchair beside him.

“Hey Baby Boy,” Chris cooed softly, “your big sister can’t wait to meet you.”

Robyn smoothed her fingertips along his cheek and he smiled, “Aww...you’re the sweetest little thing.”

“We did good, Baby.”

“Yea, we did.”

                                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright Christian, I need you to work with Mommy. They won’t let you go home if you can’t latch on,” Robyn murmured softly.

After 4 days in the NICU, Christian was well enough to be moved to a normal room. Of course, now they had to get him to eat without his feeding tube. Trying to get him to latch onto her breast was a bigger challenge than Robyn expected. She shifted Christian in her lap as his mouth hovered near her nipple. Robyn waited to feel some sort of suction and nothing happened. She sighed softly then shifted him to another position to try again. It wasn’t mandatory for her to breastfeed but they felt more comfortable sending him home once he was eating on his own. He was having a hard time with bottles as well and no one wanted to have to send him home with a feeding tube in his stomach. His suckling mechanisms just weren’t working yet.

“Hey Baby.”

Robyn turned around to see Chris walking into the room. He closed the door and curtain behind him before dropping his stuff onto a nearby chair.

“I thought you had a class today.”

“No, my leave of absence started today. I had to finish some stuff up for the baby’s room and drop Anesa off at school.”

“Oh ok.”

“How is everything going?”

“Not great. We still can’t get him to take a bottle or breastfeed.”

“Oh man. How long are they gonna keep him if he can’t?”

“Doctor said they might give it another day or two, they’d really feel more comfortable with him feeding on his own but if not, we’ll have to use his feeding tube. They don’t want his weight to start slipping.”

“Understandable. How long you been at it?”

“About an hour. I can feel his lips there but he’s having a hard time latching on. Same with the bottle.”

“They say why?”

“With him being premature, some of his natural reflexes haven’t fully developed. It can take up to a few weeks for him to get the hang of it.”

“My little guy. You want me to try the bottle?”

“You can. Maybe he’ll do it for his daddy.”

Chris grinned so hard, it’s almost like he split his face and Robyn laughed, “I have never seen you smile so hard in my life”

“I’m a Dad again. I’m still in shock that he’s here.”

“You’ve been doing an amazing job, Chris.”

“So have you.”

Robyn shrugged, “I guess.”

“What do you mean you guess?”

“It’s only been a few days.”

“And a few days ago, either or both of you might not have been here. You came through for our baby, that deserves praise within itself. You’re here with him all day, every day. He’s strong and he’s beautiful. You’re an incredible mother, no matter how long you’ve been one.”

“Thank you Baby.”

Careful to not nudge the baby, Chris leaned over and pecked her lips a few times, “I’ve been missing you though.”

“I’ve been home. What you mean?”

“I know but we haven’t really done anything together and the doctor did say you need to move around more for your recovery.”

“He did say that but I’m not exactly in going out shape.”

“What does that mean?”

“Chris, I’ve gained like 50 pounds. I might not look pregnant, pregnant but I don’t exactly look normal.”

“You look perfectly fine to me. I already told you it is in all the right places. 50 pounds or 100 don’t mean anything to me.”

Robyn smiled and ran her hand down his arm, “you and your way with words.”

“I’m being honest.”

“I know but still, I don’t know if I’m ready to be out yet.”

“Is there a specific reason you don’t want to be out? You’ve never been self-conscious before.”

“I’ve also never been this big before.”

“Big? Are we looking at the same person?”

“Christopher, take your son please. I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.”

Chris took Christian from Robyn and sat down in the chair beside the bed, “we’ll talk about this later.”

“What is the big deal about me not wanting to be outside?”

“The fact you need to work on life getting back to normal. You were on bed rest your entire pregnancy and then you’ve been in the hospital for the past two weeks with the baby. You need to get back in the swing of things.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

Chris looked over at her as she pouted, “Don’t be childish, Robyn. We can start slow. Maybe go out to eat or something. It doesn’t have to be an all day thing, ok?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“I’m taking you out this weekend.”

‘Christopher.”

“Uh uh. Your “think about it” is a cover up for hoping something happens so you can say no and I am not going for it.”

“Whatever.”

Chris shook his head and laughed, “you’re gonna always push back just to push back, huh?”

Robyn laughed, “of course. Is he taking the bottle yet?”

“Nope, it’s just sitting in his mouth.”

“Oh well. You’re gonna have to use the syringe to put the mixture into his feeding tube.”

“Is it difficult?”

“No. And it doesn’t hurt him. I’d just rather him not have to be fed that way.”

“I understand.”

[mirkwoodshewolf]

You’re my best friend; John Deacon x reader

*Author’s note*

Okay wow I can’t believe I almost missed this deadline but I had this story already up on my Wattpad for the past 2 months so I wanted to transfer it once this deadline came. This is for @writing-of-a-british-bitch​‘s 1k challenge and I asked to do the “Your my best friend” song choice. 

Now some things had transpired between joining this contest and the time I decided to write it and I really needed to get this pain out. As some of you may know from a post over 2 months ago, I lost my baby black kitty Sassy to Kidney failure. And I realize this was meant to be a fluff fic but I couldn’t help but really write this fic in memory of my baby girl. So some fluff and angst but sadly mostly angst is in this fic. So I apologize if I kinda went back on my word Phoebe but I hope this is still okay for your contest.

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@ixchel-9275​

@queendeakyy​

@simonedk​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@kairosfreddie​

@dancingcoolcat​

@geek-and-proud​

____________________________________________________________

Kidney Failure. Those are two words that no pet owner wants to hear. My beautiful baby girl Sassy had officially been diagnosed with Kidney failure as well as Kidney stones. At first with her not eating I thought she was just being a little stubborn, then after doing some scary research on why senior cats won't eat, it showed signs of her dying. Then after seeing her cough up some blood early one morning before I wanted to go see a movie, I was told by my parents to take her straight to the vet.

And since I was dealing with this all alone, I was forced to be told by myself and suffer for a full day of the news of my precious black kitty. I had gotten her 15 years ago shortly after my first cat Missy died. She was rescued by an independent rescue woman who had a house full of cats, out of thousands of cats she had, a small, tiny and very skittish kitten stood out of all the rest. Even though at the time my mom wanted a white cat with blue eyes and pink ears, we fell in love with this cute little girl, and I named her Sassy after the cat from Homeward Bound.

For years she was always the skittish girl. Anytime a doorbell would ring, she'd rush out and hide all day. But she was the sweetest cat anyone could ask for. I would always bring her up into my room whenever things got too stressful in my life, or I just wanted to be with her. I'd put her on my bed and just let her sleep there for all hours of the day.

As time went on, she even came to my own rescue like when I got my wisdom teeth removed and I had to recover up in my room. The first night, Sassy had actually came up into my room willingly, hopped right on my bed and slept right beside me for about 3 hours. She's my baby and now she's suffering the same fate my male cat did just several years ago.

My girl's always been the one with health problems throughout her life. First it was the UTI's, then bladder stones, and now she has to take some pills for her thyroid for the rest of her life (she's been on the thyroid pills for roughly about 3 years now), but this—this just blows everything out the window cause now it's evident that she's possibly coming close to the end of her days.

The vet told me what all needed to happen, a couple days of IV to get her fully hydrated, some anti-biotics, and just keeping her as comfortable as possible. So she went through the two days of IV, she's currently on the antibiotic and just has 3 more days to take it while still taking her thyroid pills (I now had to resort to giving it to her liquidly through a syringe since she no longer does the pill pockets anymore).

I don't wanna lose my baby girl. She's my life, my baby, my best friend and I—I don't know what I'm gonna do when the time comes for her when she finally.....

"(Y/n)?" I looked up and there was my dad.

"Hey dad."

"Sweetie, how are you doing? Really?" he said as he came into my room and sat down by my bed.

"I—I'm scared dad. I don't wanna lose my girl. On top with all the stress of trying to find a job, I just can't even focus on anything else but my baby girl."

"I know, I know sweetie." He brought me closer for a hug and I allowed the tears to softly fall down my face. "Maybe—you should get out of the house. Go see those friends of yours, isn't that offer for you to join them at the farm still available?"

"But dad I don't wanna leave Sassy behind. What if she dies while I'm away? That's already what happened to both Hudson and Missy because of school. And I promised that if it ever came Sassy's time I wouldn't allow anything to keep me away from her."

"But if you just solely keep focused on her, you're only gonna make yourself sick. What you need now is time to yourself, spend it with your friends, maybe they can help you out. Maybe even John can help you see. Cause at this rate I feel like you'll only listen to that boyfriend of yours." I softly chuckled as he did to.

"I think I'll just surprise them. They always drop by unannounced at my place either way." He chuckled and said.

"Whatever you want to do. I will watch Sassy for you and make sure she's comfortable. And I promise you if anything does happen, I'll give you a call."

"Thanks dad. I'm glad you came back early."

"Of course. Sassy's important to all of us." I nodded. "You get some sleep now okay sweetie, you've got a long drive ahead of you." I nodded again as my dad kissed the top of my head and gave me a big bear hug.

Once he left my room after shutting my door, I lay there on my bed and allowed the tears to continue to fall as I silently cried myself to sleep.

A few hours later I was on the open road heading towards Rockfield farm where my friends and boyfriend John Deacon. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, John Deacon of Queen is my long time boyfriend. We got together roughly at around Year 10 of secondary school, and even though we ended up going to different colleges, we still kept close to each other with visits and holiday stuff.

In fact, I was the one who convinced him to try out for Queen since I had Freddie Mercury in an art class of mine. And he just decided to take me in as his best friend since we both loved cats (the first time I showed him a picture of my two furbabies he was hooked and wanted to know everything about them).

So I introduced John to the band when Fred told me they needed a new bassist, he auditioned and—the rest was history. As mentioned earlier they were currently at Rockfield farm studios recording their next album 'A Night at the Opera'. Deacy had offered the chance for me to tag along as moral support/citizen critic but when I told him that I was worried about Sassy, he understood but kept the offer open in case I changed my mind.

After what felt like an eternity of driving I finally arrived at the farm just a little bit after 10:30am. I parked the car right next to a blue beetle and got out of my car after shutting off the engine. I looked around the place and saw that it was definitely far out of civilization and distractions, maybe this could be what I needed.

"(Y/n)?" I heard a voice say. I turned around and wearing a pink woman's top and white pants holding a cigarette between his fingers was none other than Freddie Mercury.

"Hey Fred."

"Oh darling it's been so long come here!" I walked over to him as he tossed the cigarette aside into the gravel and extended his arms out. I was then given the biggest bear hug that Freddie is known to give. "Why didn't you tell us we were coming?"

"Figured I surprise you all. You're not pissed are you?"

"Absolutely not dear, a visit from you is like seeing an angel grace our presence. And maybe this time Deacy can pick up the slack." I softly giggled as we separated from each other. "So how are things at home? Deacy said poor Sassy was feeling under the weather, how is the little dear?" at that point I grew sad again. "(Y/n)? Dear was it something I said?"

"Freddie I—the reason I came here was because of Sassy. She's—not doing so good." At that point his face grew worried.

"Come darling, let's sit on the porch swing and talk. You look like you're about to burst into tears." He wrapped an arm around me as we walked towards the front porch of the house and sat down on the cushioned porch swing. Freddie sat to my left and said, "Now then darling, tell me everything." I took a deep breath and proceeded to tell him.

"Last Sunday Mary and I were planning on going to see a movie, but as I was getting around I had seen Sassy laying near where she had just spit up, but what scared me was that there was blood mixed with the phlegm that she had puked up. So I called Mary and told her I had to take her to the vet, they ran some tests on her and......" I sniffled and felt the tears starting to come back. "Freddie she's suffering from kidney failure." He gasped in horror as he covered his mouth with his hand.

"Oh my god......(y/n) I—I'm so sorry dear. Oh come here you." He brought me close into his chest and tears once again began to fall down my face. "Oh my poor dear, I can't imagine what you must be feeling. If it were one of my darlings, I'd be feeling just as heartbroken as you. How—how long has she got?"

"Well thankfully the doctor said if we just keep an eye on her. Cause she's still drinking water, going to the bathroom, and eating when she wants to she could live a little while longer. But Freddie—she's 6lbs now and every time you hold her—you can just feel her bones. It's like picking up a stuffed animal at this point."

"Oh the poor little darling. Does she still walk?"

"Yeah she can still walk, but she—she drags her back legs or stumbles around before just giving up. We're trying to keep her on the main level of our house trying to limit the amount of times of her going either up or down the stairs. Sometimes she'll eat twice a day, sometimes it'll take her well over 24 hours before she eats again."

"Okay. So what all have you done for her?"

"Well she had to do 2 days of IV to get her rehydrated. Now she's on an antibiotic for the next ten days, she'll be done with it in three days so my dad's gonna finish it all off. He said I needed a break from all the stress cause along with her being sick and me struggling to find a job, I've barely been able to keep myself together."

"Your dad's a smart man. Cause dear no offense but you really look like shit."

"Gee thanks Freddie." I sassed back sarcastically.

"Now, now I don't mean any offense by it. I'm just—"

"I know what you mean Fred. Its just—I don't wanna lose my baby girl. I know she's getting older hell she's 16 years old. But I—I don't wanna lose my baby just yet. Not when my life is fully about to begin."

"I know darling, I know." He comforted me as he rubbed my back. I felt him kiss the crown of my head. "Listen to me, okay? You gave that beautiful black cat the best 16 years of her life. And who knows maybe she'll tough it out and stick with you for another 3 years. She knows you love her, and knows that you are doing everything to take care of her."

"You truly are the cat guru Freddie."

"Well comes with experience. But I've seen for myself the love you've given that precious thing. And, god forbid, when the day does come for her to move on, she'll have you to thank for being the best mummy cat she's ever had. And loved her even with her being the skittish thing that she was. Cause other than you, I would've been the only one to see the potential in her."

"Yeah she was a precious thing when I saw her and briefly got to play with her when she was just a kitten." Freddie wiped my tears away with the sleeve of his shirt and he asked me.

"Feeling any better?"

"A little. Thanks Freddie. It takes a cat parent to understand just what I'm going through."

"I'm always here for you dear. And hey, just so you know, my furbabies are your furbabies. They love you just as much as your own do, so anytime you need to come over, they'll be happy to see you."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Shall I get Deacy?"

"Actually I would like to come in, I've been driving since 1am this morning and I could really use a bed right now."

"Or is it just so you and Deacy can—"

"Get your mind out of the gutter you rotter!" he chuckled and said.

"Of course dear, come in come in I'll grab your bags." I went to protest but he stopped me, "No darling I will not take no for an answer." He grabbed my suitcases and we entered inside the house.

It was a charming little house of sorts with old knick-knacks, pictures whether painted or old photographs, and completely wooded interior. Kinda reminded me of my grandparent's place a little bit, a true country home.

"My darlings, we've got a surprise visitor with us to—" Freddie announced as we came into the kitchen. "Oh fuck seriously Roger? I thought I heard a crash but never did I think you'd go that far."

"What else do you expect Fred? Brian said my song wasn't strong enough so I figured I'd show him if this was strong enough!!"

"Perhaps I shouldn't have come after all." I made myself known. At that point Deacy popped right out of his seat and rushed right over towards me and embraced me. I hugged him back and buried my face into his neck. God every time I got a hug from the love of my life, I was already happy and at home with him.

"Why didn't you call and tell me you were coming?"

"And miss the surprise look on your face? I don't think so." He chuckled before separating from me to cup the side of my face. I felt his calloused thumb stroke my cheek gingerly and he placed a soft kiss to my brow.

"Ugh it's too early for you guys to act all lovie-dovie!" Roger complained.

"Oh put a sock in it Rog!" I sassed at him.

"It really is good to see you here (y/n). so what brought on this surprise visit?" asked Brian. My smile dropped and I solemnly looked down.

"My love?" Deacy asked concerned.

"Deacy dear why don't you take (y/n) downstairs to your room and get her situated. She could really use some sleep right now, then come back up and I'll explain everything." Freddie set my stuff down and went up to Brian and Roger and wrapped his arms around their shoulders to guide them out of the kitchen.

"What's he talking about love?"

"It's—the reason why I'm here isn't a happy reason. I wish it was but I—"

"Okay, okay, okay relax. Calm down my love. Come on let's go downstairs, though I must warn you the room isn't very big."

"I'll take whatever it is Johnny." He grabbed my suitcases as wrapped an arm around me as he guided me towards the basement stairs.

And boy was he ever right. How could my beloved possible sleep in a room this cramped, not to mention cold? He set my stuff right by his before guiding me to the bed. He sat down close to me and said.

"Do you want to tell me? Or should I go up to see Freddie?"

"I—I can tell you."

"You sure?" I nodded. "Alright, if you say so. But before you speak, take a couple of deep breaths with me, okay?" he slowly breathed in and I followed behind him. We held our breath for three seconds before slowly exhaling out for five. We did this together over and over and over again till finally I was ready to tell him, and I told him everything in regard to Sassy.

As I explained everything, every now and then I would stop because I could feel tears springing in my eyes. Jesus just when I thought I had cried my last tear, they still keep coming. But my sweet, loving John had tissues at the ready and he would hand me one to wipe my face, before sitting himself even closer to me resting his head on top of mine while his arms were wrapped around me rubbing either my back or arms comfortingly.

"Oh my love. You should've called me as soon as you were told the news. You know I would've dropped everything just to be with you, to comfort you through this." He said once I had finished telling him everything.

"I didn't want to disturb you John. This album is really important to Queen and I—didn't want to distract you."

"Fuck the album, you're my first priority."

"John."

"I mean it (y/n). if you ever asked me to leave the band I will."

"You know I would never ask that of you."

"I know, I'm just saying I would. I just—I just hate the fact that I had to let you get the news alone. I knew your dad left to spend time with your mum for their anniversary together which left you to take care of Sassy and Phoebe, and to get such news all on your own." He kissed my cheek and softly stroked my cheek.

"Why are you so good to me?"

"Your my best friend, (y/n). I'll always be good to you." He leaned in and captured my lips in a soft kiss. I cupped the side of his face before separating from him and pressing my forehead to his while I felt his nose graze against mine.

I then wrapped my arms around his neck while I felt his arms wrap around my waist. He pulled me close to him so that I practically sitting on his lap. I felt his hand rub comforting circles on my back before slowly leaning back. The slightly rickety bed creaked and it was definitely a tight squeeze, but we somehow made it work with me practically lying on top of him, our legs tangled up with each other's and my head resting against his chest.

"God how did you manage to sleep on this tiny bed?" I asked.

"Trust me it's not easy. But somehow I've managed."

"The boys didn't boot you down here did they?"

"No, Paul actually gave me this room. Said that small ones don't get nearly as cold."

"Aww Deacy I'm so sorry." I cupped his jawline to which he nuzzled against my hand and gave my palm a kiss.

"Not your fault. But how are you, really (y/n)."

"Truthfully my head is literally killing me."

"Probably from dehydration from all the crying you must've been doing." He said as I felt him stroke down my hair. He kissed my forehead and set me down on the bed. "I'll get you some water and snacks for you. Gotta get you rehydrated and eating again." He pecked my nose and I smiled at him.

"Thank you Johnny."

"Anytime my love. Stay here, I'll be right back." He brushed the hair out of my face before giving me a soft peck before heading upstairs. I sighed and rested my head onto the pillows and inhaled John's scent from his shampoo that I had bought for him. It gave me a sense of comfort even while he was gone for a brief moment.

He came back down with a bottle of water and a couple bags of crisps.

"You really went all out didn't you?" I teased.

"Well if I know you, I know that when you get really sad, you tend to skip meals. And I know this isn't really the best thing for you to eat right now, but it's all we've got since Roger knocked down the leftovers bitching about his car song."

"His car song?"

"It's better if you don't ask." He sat down on the floor beside me and laid out the bags of crisps then unscrewed the bottle cap of water before placing the straw in. He held it out to me and I took a sip of it. After taking a long drink, he set it down on the nightstand right beside the bed and opened up one of the bags of crisps and proceeded to feed me.

"I can feed myself you know."

"I know, but you've been under a lot of pressure lately. With the unsuccessful job hunts as well as Sassy being sick, the least I can do is pamper you my darling. Now c'mon open up." He guided a potato crisp towards my mouth and I opened my mouth as he popped it inside my mouth.

Deacy kept on feeding me as well as giving me sips of water. Finally after feeling full from the crisps, he set them aside and crawled back into the bed with me.

"Wait, don't you have some recording to do?"

"I talked to the guys about it, I'm gonna stay here and take care of my baby today."

"No Deacy I—I'll just delay your schedule......"

"It's already said and done love, besides Freddie insisted that I stay with you. I can make up my bits tomorrow." I looked up at him and said.

"Thank you Deacy, it—this means a lot. Really, with Sassy being—"

"Shhhh, shhh. Just sleep my love. You really need it." He whispered as he gingerly stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers. I closed my eyes and cuddled close to him, his hand tucked underneath my shirt and I felt his nails gently stroke up and down my back comfortingly. The mixture of his scent, his breathing and his heartbeat was like a lullaby that soothed me to sleep.

A week later, I was starting to feel a bit better than I had back at home. Deacy and the boys provided the perfect distraction, Freddie gave me a mini piano lesson as he was practicing his latest masterpiece that he deemed was going to change music forever, Brian and I would take pictures of the guys whether for his scrapbooking or just out of plain goofiness, and Roger—well Roger spent three days in a cupboard but at least he was still willing to talk to me even through the cupboard.

And of course Deacy was an angel with the warm cuddles and bass playing. I've always found comfort in seeing him play the bass, he was in his element and it was amazing to see him break out of the shy exterior and just be him. I was laying on the couch in the studio and he was fiddling around with his bass.

"Can you play me something?" I asked. He looked up and he asked.

"What would you like me to play? Liar? White Queen?"

"Do you think you can give me a sneak peek at a song from this album?"

"Well legally I'm not allowed to but....off the record if there were no Prenter nor sound engineer to be around." He stated as he got up and went over to the sound station and flipped a couple of switches.

"You clever, devious man." I giggled.

"That's why you love me. C'mere." I got up from the couch and went up to the chair he was now sitting at. He extended his hand as I got closer to him and I took his hand. He then had me sit down on his lap and I felt his arm wrap around my waist. "This was finished the night before you came to the farm. I.....I had you in mind when I was writing it."

"Oh god Deacy please tell me it's nothing like Misfire was."

"No not this time. I promise, and in a way....you can think of this song as yours and Sassy's song." He turned on the switch and soon playing through the speakers was an electric sounding instrument. "That's me on the electric piano."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Fred wanted absolutely no part of it so I sat down all night learning how to play it so that I could have it ready for recording." I awed at him and he gave me a peck to my temple and I soon heard the magnificent vocalizations of all four of my boys singing at once, their voices backtracked by their own voices making it sound like there was an entire choir backing them up.  Freddie's god-like voice singing the gentle melody of the words.

"What's it called?"

"You're my best friend." He lay my head on his shoulder and the two of us listened to the song together. I'll admit the lyrics did fit Sassy to a T. She has been there for me before in the past and she was always the one I turned to when things got rough and no one else was there for me.

When the song finally ended, I turned to John and hugged him, my arms wrapped around his neck.

"That is literally the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you John."

"I'm glad you liked it love."

"Like? Deacy 'like' doesn't even begin to describe what this song meant to me. You and Sassy are both my best friends."

"And I'm happy to share you, even if it is with a feline." I giggled and playfully nudged his shoulder which made him chuckle. "God I've really missed seeing you smile."

"What are you talking about? I've been smiling the whole time I was here."

"Oh you mean the ones that don't reach up to your eyes, the smiles that don't make your eyes twinkle and a laugh come out of that beautiful mouth of yours. Yeah those were real smiles." He sassed sarcastically.

"Okay smartass. Maybe I've—still been depressed about not being with my girl."

"And there's nothing wrong with missing her. But you also need to learn to take care of yourself as well. You looked absolutely exhausted when you first arrived, it was like you'd hardly slept a wink." I looked down shamefully. "I just want you to realize that in order for you to be there for Sassy, you also need to learn to take care of yourself. Do you understand what I'm trying to say my love?"

"Yes Deacy, I understand. I'm sorry."

"Hey, you've got no reason to be sorry. You caring about Sassy this much proves that you're a good cat mum. And maybe in the future, you'll be the same way with our own child." I smiled through a choked sob. I buried my face into John's neck as I felt his hand go underneath my shirt and once again stroking my bare skin sending comforting shivers up my back.

"I love you so much John Deacon."

"I love you so much too (y/n) (l/n)." I looked up at him and he smiled down at me softly and kissed the center of my forehead, the tip of my nose, both cheeks then finally a soft and loving kiss to my lips. "Besides, I always knew one surefire way to get that beautiful smile on your face." Oh shit.

I immediately got off his lap and went back to the couch and held the pillow out in front of me.

"Why ever did you flee from me my love?" he asked in a mocked hurt tone.

"Not another step Deacon. I know what your method is and you're not doing it."

"Whatever do you mean?" oh that little rotter he was taunting me.

"Don't make me say it Deacy!" I begged as I buried my body into the covers leaving only my head to the outside world.

"Well you're gonna have to cause all I'm doing is walking towards you and all you're doing is trying to hide yourself under the blankets and pillows." He continued to taunt as he now hovered over me, his body pinning mine to the couch.

"Deacy no!" I whined.

"No what?"

"Deacy!"

"You're gonna have to specify what I can't do my darling." He cupped the side of my face after tucking some hair behind my ear and captured my lips in a seductive kiss. He almost had me under his spell, that was until I felt him squeeze my sides through the blanket. I squealed and tried to buck him off me but he stayed on top of me. "My, my, my, what have we here?"

"John I swear to god I'll kill you if you do it."

"Do what? All I did was just graze your sides and you just reacted to it. Now what do they call that thing again when people get so sensitive to a light touch?" he pondered.

My god this little shit was good. He was trying to force me to say it.

"John please!" I begged to him with the best puppy dog eyes I could muster.

"Aww look at you pleading and begging with those eyes, it's so adorable. But it won't stop me. Now answer my question." I felt him squeeze my sides again and I let out a soft shrieked laugh. "God if I didn't know any better I'd say you didn't want me to......"

"Tickle me!" I blurted out.

"What a wonderful idea! You always were terribly ticklish." I then pushed him off of me and decked out of the recording studio and began racing around the barn.

I went inside the barn and tried to duck through or go around any beams I could find.

"You're not going to escape from me (n/n). You know you were always the slowest runner."

"Shut up Deacon! It's cause you always cheated with those long legs of yours!" I snapped as I ducked through the hay storage bin before getting out on the other side.

Deacy continued to chase after me for what felt like forever. And I don't know when they became involved or why they chose to do it, but somehow Roger and Freddie got involved with the chase and I was soon tackled out in the field by Roger and he was the first to start tickling me before Freddie then finally my boyfriend Deacy joined in the attack.

The three of them tickling me non-stop till I was red in the face and could barely breathe. Fred and Rog would've gone on forever had John not stopped them and forced them to let me breathe. Once I was able to catch my breath, I turned towards the two troublemakers and said.

"Where.....in the hell.....did you two.....come from?"

"From London." Freddie bluntly shrugged.

"I know that smartass. I meant during the chase." I groaned.

"Oh that well when we saw Deacy chasing you, Fred and I just want in on the action. It didn't matter what we had to do, just as long as it got you to smile kid." Roger said as he gave my hair a ruffle, messing it up.

"Roger! Rog you're messing up my hair!" I said as I tried to get his hand off my head but he would keep putting it back on top and messing my hair up even further.

"But you've got to admit darling, we did get you to smile that fabulous smile that can only be compared to Mary's." said Freddie as he wrapped an arm around me. "Plus didn't that help you just a little bit?"

"Yeah I guess so. Thanks guys, for real this week has—literally been a life saver. I think I'm ready to head back home tomorrow."

"What so soon? But darling we were just having so much fun!" whined Freddie as he brought me close to his chest.

"Plus you help lessen the stress that Prenter causes us." Said Rog.

"And the stress we cause each other. You sure you can't stay a bit longer?"

"Sorry Deacy, I gotta get back to my girl." He rubbed my back and said.

"Okay. Just—promise to call me in case anything happens. You know I'll gladly drop things here to be with you." I cupped the side of his face and stared at him lovingly.

"I'll even allow us to take time off the album so that all of us can be there for you darling." Fred said I turned towards him and Roger and saw that Roger nodded agreeing with both Fred and Deacy.

"You guys—how did I ever get lucky to have such good friends like you all?"

"You've honestly been a blessing to us dear. Never doubt that." Soon I was in a group hug with the front man, the drummer and the bassist of Queen.

The next morning I was all packed up and was hugging the guys goodbye and thanking them for helping me out this past week. I had just gotten done hugging Rog and Bri and I was now at Freddie. He smiled at me and embraced me tightly and he said in my ear.

"You be sure to call us with any updates Sassy's got."

"I will I promise." He separated from me and kissed both my cheeks.

"Drive safe (y/n) dear."

"Will do Fred." I then turned towards the love of my life, my best friend. He held his arms out and I immediately went into them and hugged him back.

"I'm so glad that you came to visit love. Drive safely back home, and call me whenever you get there."

"I will, promise me you'll continue to work hard on the album."

"Will do love." He kissed me but it was shortly interrupted by Prenter exclaiming.

"Enough of this already the boys need to get back to work!"

"Alright Prenter that's it come here!" Roger then charged after Prenter which made John and I laugh softly.

"Should we try to stop him?" I asked.

"Nah, let him take his prey. Besides he deserves it, Prenter's an arsehole anyway." He kissed my temple softly before hugging me one last time. I got into my car and waved goodbye to the guys one last time before taking off back down towards the main road.

Three days later after returning from the farm, I was back at home just waking up for the day. I once again saw Sassy lying there on the couch just like she was last night. I sighed and went up to Sassy and pet her and she shot her head up and looked at me.

"Hey baby girl, ready for your medicine?" she just looked at me before laying her head down. I went over to the sink and prepped the water bottle cap (at this point she had stopped taking the pill pockets, and since I could no longer force it down her, I resorted to liquidating the ¼ pill).

After waiting a couple of minutes I sucked the water into a syringe and walked back over to the couch. Gently as I could, I picked her up and she let out a weak meow.

"I know baby, I know. But this is just the water one this time. You got done with the antibiotic awhile ago." I placed the syringe into her mouth and she weakly opened her mouth but was still able to take in the water. Once she took it all in, I kissed her and took her over to the water bowl cause I knew she probably drink any water since last night. "Here we go baby, drink up."

I gently set her down and she merely just lay there for a moment before realizing where she was. Her head shot up and she reached her paw over the water bowl like how she normally drinks and went face first into the water, her usual way of drinking water.

Once she had her fill after lying down a few times before going back up again to drink some more. I picked her up once more and set her back down on the couch. Since it was a sunny day for the first time in a while, I decided to let my girl sunbathe, her favorite thing to do whenever the sun was out.

"Here you go little mama." I cooed as I stroked her head and kissed it. I then went back upstairs and got ready for the day. The phone rang and I picked it up and answered, "Hello?"

'Hey sweetie. Whatcha doin?' it was my dad's voice.

"Oh just—getting around and all that."

'Ahh I see. How's our girl doing?'

"She's....hanging in there." I looked towards her to see her still breathing.

'Okay good, good. So what have you got on the agenda for today?'

"Well Mikaela is coming to pick me up and we're gonna hang out for my graduation/pre b-day plans."

'Ahh I see, what time is she coming over?'

"About 10ish."

'Okay well you girls have fun and I will talk at you later okay?'

"Okay daddy, love you."

'Love you too sweetie, bye.'

"Bye." I hung up the phone and turned back towards my baby. I walked up to her and as I touched her, her paws twitched and she turned and looked up at me. "I love you so much baby girl." I kissed her head and she turned away from me. With a heavy sigh, I walked back upstairs and got around.

A couple minutes later at 10:07am I walked back downstairs to see Phoebe sitting up on the table looking at Sassy's food bowl that was there.

"Phoebe get down!" I snapped at her. She meowed as she hopped down and ran off. That's when I looked down to see the most horrifying sight I would ever see in my life.

Sassy's eyes were glazed over, and I couldn't see her breathing anymore.

"Sassy? Sassy? Sassy!" I touched her fur hoping to see her react but when he jaw went slacked, tears sprung in my eyes and I fell to my knees. I picked her up in my arms and held her close to me as I sobbed. "Sassy! No! No! No! Sassy please no!" I sobbed as I paced around the room hoping that she would wake up but all she did was lay limp against my shoulder. I placed her down on the loveseat to see if she would breathe again but she didn't.

Sassy was gone.

I ran up to the phone and dialed my dad's number and pleaded softly that he would pick up.

'Hello?' he asked.

"Daddy."

'Yeah?' his voice sounded concerned as soon as he heard the heartbreak in my voice.

"I think Sassy's dead!" I sobbed out.

'Oh my god our cat just died.'

"She was fine earlier as I said. She drank some water but when I came back downstairs I noticed that she's no longer breathing, her eyes are glazed over and she's just limp every time I hold her!"

'Okay, okay (y/n) calm down okay sweetie. Calm down. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get her cat carrier and a towel.'

"Okay."

'Okay? Then put the towel in the cat carrier and then I want you to gently put her in and take her to the vet, okay? They'll work out the cremation process.'

"Okay."

'And sweetie listen to me. At least she died at home, okay? She passed away peacefully, safe and at home instead of a cold, strange metal table. Because I had to go through that with Hudson and it was not a pretty sight. It broke me, but you gave Sassy a happy life and even with you taking care of her on your own for a while she knew you loved her.' I choked out a sob and nodded.

"I know."

'Okay but go take her to the vet, I'll call your mom and she'll get in touch with the vet.' I nodded.

"Okay I'll take her to the vet."

'Okay now your mom will be available all day for you if you need to get in touch with her. I've got a meeting to get to in the next while. But call your mom anytime you need to talk.'

"Okay."

'Okay I love you sweetheart, it's gonna be okay. At least she's not suffering anymore and that she's now at peace.'

"Yeah."

'Alright sweetie, I love you so much.'

"I love you too."

'Bye.'

"Bye." I hung up the phone and proceeded to get her ready to take her to the vet one last time. I grabbed a towel from my bathroom and tucked it in her cat carrier. I looked down at my baby with tears pouring down my face. Once I got her in the cat carrier on her side, I quickly wrote a note for Mikaela and taped it to the door before finally rushing out to my car and race towards the vet.

When I got there, I stood there waiting for what felt like forever in the small vet clinic till finally one of the vet techs came in. She walked over to me, empathy in her eyes and she said.

"Your mum called and told us what happened. We'll get started with the cremation process, are there any questions you have for us?"

"Just.....just make sure that this is for real. I—don't wanna try anything unless I know it's for real."

"Okay." She took my cat carrier and walked into the back room. I sat down by the window trying to calm myself down. The doors opened and there stood my best friend Mikaela.

"Hey I got your message, are you okay?"

"I don't know dude. Thank god you're here though."

"Of course, of course." She sat down beside me and wrapped an arm around me. It was then the vet came in from the back room and he greeted me.

"She has passed away. Along with the kidney stones and failure, she also suffered a stroke." I covered my mouth with my hand and allowed the tears to pour down my face even more. "We can prep the cremation. Would you like the pawprint as well as her ashes or just the pawprint?"

"Just the pawprint." I replied.

"Okay, before we take her away would you like to see her?" I turned to Mikaela before turning back to the vet and said.

"Yes."

"Okay. Come back with me." I followed behind him and Mikaela told me she'd wait outside. I went through the back door and right there on the table I saw my baby girl lying right on her stomach, her front paws extended outwards and her eyes still glassed over, her fangs exposed as her jaw was still slightly lacked.

"Take all the time you need." the vet told me as one of the technicians came and covered up just her lower body. I nodded before leaning down and pet her one last time, trying to imprint her soft fur into my hand, and my memory.

"At least she died at home, where she was most happiest." Said one of the female vet technicians.

"Yeah. She—she was sunbathing on the couch. She always loved it when the sun was out and I would open up the blinds."

"Yeah. I'll bet she really appreciated it."

"It just—with all the health problems she's had throughout her life I just hoped that....."

"I understand. Especially with all that she had been through for the past week." I nodded before turning back to my baby girl. I knelt down and gave her one final kiss before finally saying.

"Okay. Okay I—I think I'm ready." Then another vet tech came up and fully covered up my baby girl forever, the final step in pronouncing her dead.

"We'll get in contact with your mom about the billing. Again we're so sorry for your loss." The same vet tech that I was talking to earlier about my baby girl.

"Thank you." I said thanks the vet techs as well as the vet for all that they've done for Sassy for her last 2 weeks of life. I walked out of the back room and Mikaela came up and hugged me as we left the vet.

When I got back home I called my mom and told her that she could take care of the billing. After that I said.

"I'm sorry about all this dude I know we had plans and all but—"

"No, no, no, no it's fine. Do—you wanna call John and tell him? Or do you want me to talk for you?"

"I think I can tell him. He loved Sassy as much as I did." I picked the phone up once more and dialed the number for the farm that Deacy gave me before they left. It rang about five times before I heard a voice say.

'Hello?' Oh god why did it have to be him?

"Paul. Can I speak to John please?"

'Oh (y/n) I'm afraid he's too busy to talk right now. Since you distracted the guys they're way behind schedule with the album. They have to work twice as long just to meet the upcoming deadline.'

'Oi Prenter why are you answering the phone!? Thought I told you that you weren't allowed to take calls anymore!' Roger's loud voice proclaimed. I then heard the signs of a struggle and Paul's painful cry as Roger's voice spoke up. 'Talk to me.'

"Rog."

'(Y/n), hey what's going on?'

"Is Deacy too busy to talk?"

'Oh absolutely not, hang on a second love okay? OI DEACY!!! YOUR GIRL'S ON THE LINE COME OVER HERE!' Once again there was silence before I heard John's voice at last.

'(Y/n)? What's going on love is everything okay?' my lip quivered as I gasped out a sob. '(Y/n)? Love you're scaring me.'

"She's gone Deacy." I choked out.

'Oh my god. (N/n) I—I'm so sorry. Was she—'

"On the couch in the sun. It was almost an hour ago."

'Jesus Christ. But (y/n) you were there for her like you always said you wanted to be, and she's no longer in any pain, she's at peace. And she's up in heaven with her brother and meeting her older sister. The cat you had before you got her.'

"I know. I'm—I'm sorry I'm distracting you—"

'No, no, no, no, no, no love shhh, shhh, shshshsh. You are by no means a distraction. I'm glad you called me (y/n). I wish I could be there with you right now holding you in my arms.'

"I want that too Deacy."

'Are you going to get the pawprint?'

"Yeah, it should be ready in a day or two."

'That's good. I love you so much my brave mama cat, you know that right?'

"I love you too. I just—wish you were here John."

'I know. I wish I was there too. Is anyone with you right now?'

"Mikaela is, and I—think I'm gonna call Mary."

'That's good. Surround yourself with those two right now since they know what's happening. Do whatever you feel like you need to do right now okay?'

"I will. I do know I wanna get out of the house. I can't...I just can't be in here."

'Okay then do that. Go to Biba, the record store, see a movie, whatever. Hey, it's gonna be okay, alright?'

"Okay. I just—I miss her so much Deacy."

'I know love, I know. I miss her too. Hey listen, I gotta go, the guys are looking at me wanting to know what's going on.'

"I'll let you go then. I maybe out the whole day but I'll give you a call later tonight, okay?"

'Okay my love. I'll talk to you soon. Call me anytime.'

"I will, bye Deacy."

'Bye my love.' I hung up the phone and took a deep breath.

"You sure you wanna get out of the house? It's cool if you just wanna stay here."

"No Mikaela I just—I really can't be in this house anymore. I need to get away from here for a while."

"Okay, okay. But let's get you calm down first before we head on out, okay? I'll talk to Mary this time and you just sit down and drink some water." I nodded and walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle before sitting down at the kitchen table while Mikaela made the call to Mary and explained everything.

A little while later Mikaela told me that Mary is willing to meet us at the movies since we were planning on seeing that new shark movie that was out now. After recomposing myself and drying my eyes up to show no signs that I had been crying, Mikaela and I stepped out and drove on to meet Mary at the movie theater.

The whole day was spent having a girl's day out. Mary paid for our movie tickets (we chose a later showing than originally planned due to all of this), and then Mikaela paid for our lunch. When it got close to our movie time, we all drove back to the theater (thank god it was literally just across the street) and we got our seats.

For the next 2 hours the film JAWS both terrified and had me at the edge of my seat. By the end of the film when Chief Brody shot the shark, the entire audience actually applauded. After the film, we spent the rest of the afternoon doing a little shopping to help cheer me up until it got dark and I knew I had to get back in order to feed Phoebe.

Mikaela and Mary both came back to the house with me to bid me a final goodbye and to give their final condolences on my loss today. They told me that if I ever needed to talk about today or vent, cry or hang out I could always call them. I thanked them before finally entering back inside the house.

When I got inside, the first things I had noticed was that my hall lights were on and Phoebe was currently eating at her food bowl. At that point my heart started racing a bit because my dad was still at work by now since he had requested some overtime so I know that he'd usually would be on his way home but not here, here. I then heard footsteps coming down the stairs and that's when I was shocked to see Deacy coming down the stairs.

"I thought that might've been you. Had it been your dad it would've been awkward."

"Wha—but.....how are you....."

"Before you ask any questions, how are you feeling? Truthfully?" I looked down and sniffled.

"Heartbroken. I miss her Deacy! I miss my baby so much!"

"I know, I know sweetheart. I do too." He said as he immediately embraced me and rocked me back and forth. "Sassy will forever live in your heart and in your memories, you gave her a good life till the end. And she at least passed away in a peaceful, safe environment. She knew you were there and that you took care of her right to the end."

"It all just happened so fast I mean—she was diagnosed with kidney failure just short of 2 weeks and now she—"

"Shhhh, shh I know. I know. But there was nothing you could do love, there was nothing anyone could've done. She—she was an old cat and.....it was just meant to be her time now. You wouldn't want her to keep suffering would you?"

"Never."

"Exactly, no one does. I know it's selfish but she at least died here at home. And she'll be right there with you."

"I just wish she could've stuck around longer, till I at least found a job. It's stressing enough getting no responses cause of my lack of job experiences now I just....."

"I know love. I know. But you know you've got me right? I can be your stress reliever now, hmm? What do you say?" his nose gently grazed against mine. I sniffled and looked up at him to see him softly smile down at me, his eyes softly shining with empathy.

"Thank you Deacy. I'm happy you came back for me."

"I'll always come to you whenever you need me. You're my best friend (y/n)."

"And you're mine John Deacon." For the rest of the night Deacy pampered me with a warm bath filled with my favorite bath bombs and favorite scented candles. When the bath was done, he helped me into my favorite snuggly pj's before placing me on my bed and snuggling up close to me. My head resting over his chest and his arms wrapped around me snug and tight.

His hand rubbed my back comfortingly and every now and then I felt him kiss the crown of my forehead every time I sniffled or whimpered. Even though he always said he wasn't a singer, I heard him hum the tune to our song 'you're my best friend' and all the while I kept thinking of my baby girl.

[bloodyfangedtiger]

I Miss You

Shinji clamped his hands over his mouth, silencing his screams as he sat in his cell. It's been months since Kaworu's sacrifice and since he was taken back to Wile.

For the first few months, Shinji sat in his cell looking like a lifeless doll until he felt something moving inside him. Something in his lower belly that should have scared him but instead brought him warmth. He started to uncurl from his shell and act slightly normal though he kept to himself and rarely came out of his cell.

He developed a healthy appetite so Wille mostly ignored him.

Shinji quietly talked to his growing belly, telling the child stories about himself and Kaworu along with stories about his past. Skipping everything that has to do with Misato, Asuka and his own father. Not wanting to upset his child with anything unhappy.

As the days stretched on, Shinji began to creep closer to his end date. Following the weeks prior to the special day, Shinji built himself a nest of sorts out of bed sheets and clothing. He even acquired some needle and thread because of his good and cooperative behavior along with a crochet hook and yarn.

Using these materials, he made a pair of clothes from his clean bed sheets and blankets from the yarn. He even self taught himself how to make a cloth diaper. All of he kept hidden until one day, in the dead of night, pain like no other struck him in his sleep. Making his mind conjure up terrifying nightmares.

He thrashed around in his bed, throwing off his covers from his very swollen belly. He bit his lip and tries to keep his voice down and think of something happy. Something warm, anything to banish the nightmares he is suffering from.

Just then, he felt a hand take his own and looking up he sees Kaworu. Sweet, wonderful Kaworu who is smiling at him and places his pale hand on Shinji's bulgeous belly. "It's okay, Shinji, it's like playing the piano. Just breathe and concentrate."

Shinji nodded and whimpered, clutching the boy's hand as he tries to breathe through the pain. "I wish you were here." He sobbed and slowly started to wake up, finding himself alone in his cell.

Not quite alone, he could feel something protruding from between his legs and looked down to see a small head with white hair emerging from his body. "Yuki." He gave a sad smile and grabbed his pillow, holding it close to his body and biting into it as he pushed as hard as can.

It may have been his imagination, but he swears he saw Kaworu pick up their child and cradle them before bringing them to Shinji and placing the sniffling babe on his chest. Seeing him may have been an illusion but feeling lips press against his head and hearing a voice say "You did good, Shinji." Is another thing entirely.

Shinji held his newborn close and helped guided them to his breast while he watched them and let them hold his finger in their tiny hand. "It's a girl, Kaworu. We have a daughter." He stroked her cheek as she suckled. "Yuki, Yuki Nagisa." He held her close and drifted off into sleep.

The next time Shinji awakens, he finds himself in the infirmary hooked up to an IV with his breasts swollen and tender but his stomach flat. He looks around desperately but can't see his daughter "Yuki! Yuki! Where are you Yuki!" He cries out and tries to sit up only for pain to shoot up his backside.

Just then, Misato walked in holding his newborn. "We've had her vaccinated, weighed and measured. She's 6lbs and 30z and six inches long." She announced before passing the child over to Shinji who gratefully accepted her. The moment she was in his arms, Yuki started crying.

It sounded like she was lecturing her mother on leaving her alone with a stranger, causing Shinji to laugh and cradle her. "I'm so glad that you're okay, Yuki. If only your papa could see you now. If only...if only he was here." He shook his head and pulled down his shirt, letting Yuki nurse from him which greatly relieved his discomfort.

Misato watched with hard eyes of stone "How did this happen?" Her words sharp as they cut through him.

He held his daughter close "I met a boy named Kaworu Nagisa...he was the only one who actually treated me like I mattered. That it wasn't a mistake for me to be alive. He taught me how to play the piano which helped our synchronization. He was so kind..." Tears began to fall from Shinji's eyes and he carressed his child. "When I was having a nightmare after he showed me that I had caused the Third Impact he came to my room and held me close all night till I was able to sleep. The night before our mission, we made love and that's how Yuki came."

All the while as Shinji told his tale, it sounded like he was only telling his daughter and not Misato. "Your papa was a good man, Yuki. He would have loved to meet you."

Misato glared at Shinji "So you know what you've done." It was more of a statement than a question.

The new mother nodded "I only wanted to save Rei, I just wanted to save her. I-I didn't want any of this! I just wanted to save a friend!" The tears cascaded down his cheeks and onto his daughter. "I only wanted to save Rei." He sobbed.

[privatemessage]

Jake

After the final email to Mycroft, Greg sat for a moment contemplating the evening. He had never wanted to share Jake’s memory with anyone. His precious 3yr old, snatched so cruelly. But with Myc, he wanted no secrets. He wanted to tell Mycroft how wonderful his son had been. Tonight, over Indian he would share this most important part of himself.

Greg thought back over that time.

Jake.

It’s a boy

Greg had held the 6lb 4oz bundle in his arms. Wrapped in a white hospital blanket, the baby glowed with life and promise. His pink cheeks contrasting with the white of the blankets and his tiny rose bud lips, had Greg falling in love in a heartbeat. He was perfection.

It had been a straight forward delivery, 6 hrs of labour and Greg had been there the whole time, they appeared like the loving supportive family he wished with all his heart they were. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Since the moment. Cindy showed him the two blue lines on the test strip, he had been torn, on one hand ecstatic that at last he was going to be a dad. He also felt a shadow, a cancerous doubt, lingering deep down in his very soul. Is this baby even mine? He had asked the question, after all she had been upfront about the two affairs she had already had. One-night stands, drunken moments.

She had pleaded with him not to leave. Oh god, there were times he wished he had, times where he had been close to packing his bags, but then the voice of his dad telling him what a failure he would always be. No God damn it, he would make this bloody marriage work.

He loved Jake straight away, but he needed to know, needed to know that at some point another bloke wouldn’t turn up and take him away. He couldn’t lose him, not if he was giving him his heart.  Jake had been three months old, just three months! Cindy had been tired, well they were both shattered. Cindy begged him to watch Jake whilst she went out for a meal with her friends. He was glad of course, laying bare chested on the sofa with Jake in just his nappy laying close to him. He could have cried. The connection he felt to this little human was astonishing.

Cindy hadn’t returned till 5 am, he would have been fast asleep had he not just resettled Jake after a night feed. Still, he feigned sleep, listening to Cindy strip then rustle in the wardrobe before she slipped in beside him. She stank of beer (she didn’t drink beer) She stank of aftershave (of course she didn’t wear aftershave). When she was fast asleep, in her drunken stupor, he rose and went to the wardrobe pulling out her clothes.  Screwed up in the back, clothes that had been secreted away, reeking of aftershave and sex. The blouse dishevelled, buttons ripped off. “The fucking cow she’s fucking done it again, and Jake still so tiny.

 Something broke, he broke! He, went into the lounge with the blouse, and put it on the dining table with a note, that simply said, "I want a paternity test, we will visit the clinic today!”  Then he made up the day’s bottles, tidied and got ready for his day until Jake stirred. He bathed and dressed him and knew that, regardless of any test result, he wasn’t giving him up. But he needed to know.

Cindy had the right to look sheepish, she came into the lounge after reading his note, the tears already streaming. I’m so sorry, it didn’t mean anything. I just, it just happened. Please, I’m so sorry.” He threw her a glance, “Get showered, a friend of mine will do the test, she is discreet, and she owes me a favour.”.

The test came back. 99.9% positive that he was the father. It was like a rebirth and every free moment he had, he bonded with his boy. His little man.  He was Greg’s reason for going to work and earning a wage, his reason from coming home at night.

Greg stopped counting how many times he knew she had been out shagging, he refused to have sex with her any more. He would stay purely for the child, purely to prove his parents wrong. She had no reason to leave, she spent his money, and got sex elsewhere. On the outside, they appeared as a family; inside, his heart was smashed into microscopic pieces.

Then that day, his fucking bed, his bed! He had been called out early to a nasty incident, he should have been working till 9pm, but he stank. He rarely used his home shower to clean up after being at a crime scene but there was going to be a long queue at the station for the facilities, he hadn’t been far, so he had come home. He had heard Jake crying, up in his cot, then he heard, well didn’t need to be a bloody genius to make out what he was hearing. As he pushed his bedroom door open, there they were, she was riding him like a fucking drunken cowboy, and shit, when he saw the PC, he was furious, he was incensed, the arrogant toss pot shagging the bosses wife for God knows how long. He had literally kicked him out of the bed, thrown his clothes at him. And then turned to her. That’s it!  I’m filing for a divorce. She cried of course, but all he could say was, “you were fucking one of my PC’s in MY bed, whilst OUR son, was inconsolable in his cot, you are nothing but a whore.”

He had rung the station, told them he had an emergency at home, taken the rest of the week off. Then he had cleared her stuff out, and sent it to her sisters.  He had spent the rest of the week trying to work out how he was going to be a single dad.

Of course, no way he could keep her away and Jake became a pawn in some sick game. In the end the only way he could see enough of Jake, was to allow her back home. Jake stayed with her in their house. He moved into the spare room not being able to sleep in their bed again, but he would often come home to find that a neighbour was baby-sitting.  Cindy would come back at all hours, yet still she filed for sole custody. Used every trick in the book to try to discredit him. Over the next few years, the routine was the same. It was the family from hell. The only thing that kept him going was that little boy and the hours he got to spend with him.

Then one awful morning, he went to get Jake dressed ready for the day, he had the snuffles, was hot. Greg gave him Calpol, but Jake complained of having tummy ache and started to vomit... He was only three. Three, three years old and his whole life ahead of him. When his temperature had gone up further, Greg had taken him to the doctor. The next hours were awful. Meningitis they said, he’d caught it early, but it was vicious and for two days the virus was rampant in his little body. Then..... Well then it was over their darling boy, his darling boy. Gone.

He went back to work straight after the funeral, it had been a small affair, He had refused to allow anyone from work to be there, hardly any of them knew about Jake anyway, he was fastidiously private about his home life. it was just him, and her. A few very close friends.  He hadn’t spoke to Cindy since. He had sold the house, settled finances with her via a solicitor. The PC? Well he asked for a transfer, one day, one day Greg wanted to be there to turn down his only hope of promotion. But for now, the thought of them together in his bed made Greg feel sick.

Now all he had left of Jake was a small box. Full of Jakes tiny life. His birth records. His first sleep suit, his first drawing, photos and some video. Nothing that linked him to his mother.

That box, stowed safely, followed him wherever he went, never opened. But always close at hand. One day, he would share his son’s memory. But for now, he kept his son locked away in his heart.

[offlawsandfaith]

The Making of a Mother

I’ve always been fascinated with birth stories. Each one so unique, such a different yet similar experience & in some way it’s kind of a mother’s war story. A badge of honor if you will. It’s no secret that having a baby is one of the most terrifying, painful, beautiful, exciting things a woman can go through. & just from experiencing it myself, words can’t articulate what it’s like. But, I’ll try. Here’s my war *cough* I mean, birth story. Read on if you’re interested, otherwise I won’t be offended if you hit the close button, because this will probably be long.

My pregnancy was not the easiest. Morning sickness in the first trimester. If Kody made eggs, the smell would send me running as fast as I could to the bathroom. Still not a fan of them. & wow, tired doesn’t even begin to cover it. Is a 7 o’clock bedtime too early? It sure wasn’t then. By the 2nd it was easier, more energy, those first flutters of baby movement, first ultrasound. Everything becomes much more real, specially when you feel that first firm kick to the bladder. Enter week 28. Ended up admitted into the hospital with dehydration & pre-term contractions 2 minutes apart. We honestly didn’t know if our little man was going to make his debut then & we were absolutely petrified. As great as our doctors were, 28 weeks was no where near ideal for his arrival & also dangerous. 3 days in the hospital, IV drugs that made me feel like the walking dead & strict orders to drink lots of water & I was in the clear & released. I had a few more stints in the hospital with pre-term contractions after that, but no where near as terrifying as that day.

Fast forward to week 38, Friday morning, September 8. Woke up about 7 with horrible cramps & knew immediately I wasn’t going into work that day. Called all the necessary people, grabbed my hospital bag & my aunt packed me in her car & off we sped to Spectrum. Benefits of Kody working downtown was that he beat us there, had the wheelchair out & ready as soon as we pulled up. Got checked in, looked at, white knuckling the hospital bed sheets as contractions rocked my world & sure enough, “Dialated to 5, you’re having a baby today.”

Now I had every intention of doing this labor without an epidural. I had issues with low platelets during my pregnancy as well so an epidural wasn’t a garuntee for me anyways. I did take advantage of the Stadol, which makes you feel like you’ve had one too many at happy hour & kills the pain for a WAY too short 20 minutes. & you’re only allowed 3 doses. What kind of sick joke as that? I pride myself on a high pain tolerance, but this... this pain is indescribable. My whole entire body was shaking violently while I tried to handle the pain. Most of the time I just clung to Kody & tried to ride the contractions out. I finally caved & got the epidural when I was dialated to 9 & felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. The anesthesiologist said he’s never seen someone hold so still during such intense contractions. All I knew was I had heard horror stories of women getting paralyzed from a faulty epidural & I would be damned if that happened to me because I couldn’t hold still. 10,000 chainsaws tearing into my uterus or not. It took beautifully, only needed to press the dosage button once & the next thing I knew it was time to push.

This part got a bit scary. My doctors & nurses were fabulous & kept the environment very relaxed & even had me laughing a couple times. But somewhere in there I heard the words “baby’s heart rate dropping” & that’s enough to induce panic in any soon to be mom. Umbilical cord was pinched in the birth canal so I knew I had to make sure he got out soon. & I was so determined they ended up strapping an O2 mask to my face because I damn near passed out from pushing so hard. In the end I tore & was cut & ended up having one hell of a repair but Noah was born with a perfect little cry. Placed on my chest & taken away 10 seconds later from the NICU team because he was still grey & breathing was labored. Meconium & he had inhaled amniotic fluid. This is not an uncommon problem, but when it’s not dealt with immediately it can be fatal to a tiny newborn. He was rushed to NICU while the doctors worked on me, & what I expected to be an emotional, heartwarming experience actually had me shutting down with fear. The next 2 hours was a blur of scrubs, medical equipment & loved ones concerned faces but I barely registered any of it. Kody was my rock this entire time, never leaving my side & handeling everything with such calm, I fell in love with him so much more that day.

Noah’s chest x-rays came back clear of meconium. But he was kept on a ventilator & tube fed for a day & a half. I knew these things were assuring my son would get to come home happy & healthy but seeing him like that shattered my heart a million times over. Leaving him to go eat or sleep was devastating & I cried more in those couple days than I probably have in my entire life. He was eventually weaned from everything as was able to be discharged at the same time I was as a happy, healthy 6lb 8oz baby boy. The day they told me that felt like the weight of 1,000 suns was lifted off my shoulders. We strapped this tiny human into his carseat, probably took us a good hour as first time parents, nervous to get it exactly right, & brought our son home.

Which leads us to where we are now. A 5 month old, 16lb baby boy rocking in my lap. Laughing, rolling, discovering his toes, & filling us in ways we didn’t know we were empty. I became at peace with every single thing I’ve ever gone through in my life, good or bad because it all lead me here. To holding this perfect innocent life in my arms, blue eyes like daddy & dark hair like his mom.

He is our soul in human form. & my war story ends in victory in every way.

[goodlifexplorers-blog]

This 7 Months Baby Update is full of developmental milestones and a scary mysterious illness.

Baby R has accomplished so much in the last month! It’s like his neurons and motor coordination are just on steroids right now.

As a family, we spent our 4th of July at the farm with my in-laws. He loved being surrounded by other kids and getting so much attention from his grandparents. I feel grateful that we were surrounded by loving family members and that we have been able to connect with family near and far away.

Now let’s get into this 7 months baby update!

Baby R’s Stats

At Birth:  6lbs 12oz, 19.5 inches tall, size newborn clothes and diapers.

2 weeks old: 7 lbs 3oz and measured 20.25 inches tall, size 0-3 months clothes and size 1 diapers.

2 months old: 11 lbs 11oz and measured 22.75 Inches tall, size 3-6 months clothes and size 2 diapers.

4 months old: 15 lbs 6 oz and measured 25.5 inches tall, size 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers.

5 months old: 16 lbs 14 oz and measured 25.75 inches tall, size 9 months clothes and size 3 diapers.

6 months old: 17 lbs 10 oz, 27.5 inches tall, size 12 months clothes and size 3 diapers during the day and 4 at night.

7 months old: 18 lbs 8 oz, 27.5 inches tall, size 12 months clothes and size 4 diapers.

Feeding

Roark is loving his solid food. He eats 3 times a day and recently I have started introducing him to a snack every once in a while. He can use a sip cup for water during meals.

He doesn’t like chunky food, but I have introduced whole pieces of food so he can work on holding the food with his hands. It usually ends up crushed by his hands and all over his hair, but hey, that’s part of learning, right?

He still breastfeeds, specially when he wakes up, before his naps and before he goes to bed at night.

I think he is somewhat outgrowing his dairy/soy intolerance as I am trying to reintroduce some dairy to my diet and he hasn’t had as bad of reaction as he used to have.

Diapering

We have recently started having more pee leaks at night, which tells me an upgrade in diaper size is in order so he’s on number 4s all day now. One thing I haven’t mentioned before is that his stool has changed a lot since we introduced solids to him. We had a good schedule going before solids, but now there is no timeframe for number 2. We haven’t had any more blowouts, but he does sometimes experiences constipation. Nobody warned me that as soon as babies start eating solids their poop starts to stink big time. I am glad we decided to buy the diaper genie. Even though the refills are a little more costly, the diaper genie has kept our house odor free and let me tell you, it is a good thing!

Sleeping

Sleeping is getting to be a big issue for us this month. Roark is really reluctant to sleep during the day and as a result he gets really cranky. I am not sure if he is going through a sleep regression phase.

The only advice I’ve seen to get him to sleep is the cry-out method, however I’ve tried it a couple times and after 45 mins of crying, he still won’t go to sleep. I feel awful about letting him cry and he still gets no rest, so I am in need of some advice and help. To make things even worse, he refuses to sleep on his crib or pack and play during the day, only falling sleep in my arms. As soon as I go to lay him down, he wakes up screaming. I’ve tried several things and nothing has worked yet.

Developmental – 7 months update

Has 2 teeth! (bottom front)

Crawls

Pulls up on things – I was reading his daddy’s baby book. Apparently, his daddy started pulling up and walking around furniture at 7 months as well.

“Waves”

Says mamma and reaches for me- now I know it’s intentionally. His first word was mamma.

Sits by himself and sits unaided

Laughs with us or by himself

Grabs our mouths/noses

Sucks on his toes

Does the dab!

Uses sip cup

A scary illness

At the same time Roark was teething and turning 7 months, he developed a really high fever of 104F. At first I thought it was due to teething, but after giving him a warm bath and putting cool rags on his head and giving him some Tylenol, it became clear it was not going away. I called the pediatrician right away and they asked us to go the office for an exam. After a physical exam and 2 strep tests that came back negative, the doctor that saw us (our regular pediatrician was not in) recommended that we administer Fever All suppositories. We tried giving Roark Tylenol and Advil, but he would throw up more than half of the dose each time because of the taste and consistency, so after a couple days fighting/trying to administer oral medication, the fever would not break so we reached a new point of desperation. His fever hit an all time high (111F, but we are not sure the thermometer was right) and so we called the doctor and gave him Fever All. We were on our way out of the door to take him to the hospital and the fever went down. Since he had no other symptoms, the doctor said we should stay put as long as the fever stayed lower than 102F because the hospital wouldn’t be able to do anything else for him that we were not already doing. Other than the fever, he had no other problems. He was eating and he was hydrated. The poor kid was burning up for 4 days and we had to keep giving him Fever All and cooling him down with baths and rags. The doctor thought it could be Rosalea, but Roark never got a rash which is a tell tale sign of the virus. Just as mysterious as it appeared, it disappeared. After 4 days, his fever broke and his temperature went back to normal and he was a happy camper. We still don’t know what happened, but it was certainly scary. We are just glad he’s back to normal and healthy now.

Post-partum update

There is quite a bit to update, so I am going to write a separate post. My pelvic situation has to be one of the things that no one tells you about pregnancy!

Some Thoughts on Motherhood

This month, I am realizing more and more how time flies when babies are little. Yesterday I was giving birth, now I am thinking about his first birthday party.

I am also starting to feel the long-term effects of sleep deprivation with a precocious child that won’t stand still or sleep, I can’t keep track of time anymore. Everything is a blur.

And although time is flying by and it seems like I am stuck in a day to day rut of childcare and housework, I’ve started developing guilt and anxiety about capturing Roark’s milestones and our lives more. I have noticed recently that I am not picking up my camera and phone as often lately because I am falling into a state of blasé. I tell myself, “Oh! He will do that again tomorrow. I will take a picture then…” instead of rushing to my camera and begging him to repeat whatever motion he just did. It’s a dangerous territory, because I should know that my baby is growing way too fast and maybe he won’t do that tomorrow. He may already have learned something else by then.

I also need to let go of my perfectionist streak because when I look at pictures of Roark on my phone of the first months, those are the pictures I treasure the most, not the ones I posed and dressed him. Those pictures have a place in our walls, his baby book, on greeting cards – but the ones that live on my phone remind me of how little and fragile he was. How he smelled, how he felt against my skin. How even though my body felt battered and I couldn’t believe I would feel normal again, I was overwhelmed with love and joy. I love those pictures, I love what they represent. That is why I need to make more of an effort and worry less about the messy house in the background, the mismatched outfits he wears when I am too tired to look for something else, the composition and light in our family room where we spend 90% of our time and all the other technical and aesthetic aspects of photography that keep me from capturing those moments.

It is so true that “the days are long, but the years are short” and I should make more of an effort to document our everyday lives. I want Roark to have these mementos because he won’t remember these years. I want to have these mementos because in this state of blur I am living in right now, I may not remember too much of this time in a few years. That is why I push myself to write this blog when I should be sleeping.

Oh, what a vicious circle!

As always, I am a work in progress, so as Roark develops, I am also working on developing myself in this new world of motherhood.

What are your struggles? 

I hope you enjoyed this 7 months baby update. If you would like to see Roark, watch the video here.

For other baby updates and pregnancy tips, click here.

xoxo

Jana

7 Months Baby Update This 7 Months Baby Update is full of developmental milestones and a scary mysterious illness. Baby R has accomplished so much in the last month!