#mainly that the intimacy between them has been clear from the beginning

[wtslpod]

some lesbian thoughts on elrond & galadriel

The dynamic between Elrond and Galadriel, despite being central to the show, sometimes feels under-appreciated in the fandom. Like many relationships in TROP, it doesn’t easily slot into a single category. It’s not merely one of friendship or kinship or mentorship

It’s not romantic, but it is emotionally intimate—and that seems to trip a lot of people up, even before 2x07. We’ve always appreciated how emotionally open Galadriel and Elrond are with each other, particularly given how guarded Galadriel is with most other characters.

She and Elrond have a long history prior to their reunion in the first episode, and during the course of the show they rely on each other as they navigate disappointment and loss, both personal and as relates to elven-kind.

They don’t always see eye to eye, but even when Elrond feels hugely betrayed by Galadriel’s choices, it doesn’t erode the love between them.

They’ve been separated during their respective darkest moments, but find solace and healing in each other’s presence. They bring light into each other’s lives, and together will be instrumental in banishing the rising darkness.

One of the strengths of Tolkien's work, and one of the reasons fans (including queer fans like us) return to these stories time and again, is the focus on platonic bonds that defy societal norms through the strength of their intimacy and commitment.

Of all the relationships we've seen on the show so far, Galadriel and Elrond embody this wonderful category-defying emotional intimacy most of all.

[anncanta]

We are adults. ‘Lucifer’ and ‘Dracula’

Once in the chat, discussing Dracula, I said that it would be nice to write a fanfic about Dracula running a nightclub in London. To which one of the participants answered me, ‘Darling, such a story already exists, it`s Lucifer.’ I shrugged my shoulders and forgot about it. And a few weeks ago I decided to watch the series finally.

I absolutely loved the first three seasons, it`s brilliant. Smart, funny, dramatic, elegant. Tom Ellis is very good. He and his play are my discovery of the year. But the most interesting thing about the series, for me, is what follows from its similarities and differences with Dracula.

The similarity of motives, plot, and even to some extent – genre is obvious. But the differences are more difficult. Although they lie on the surface, making you realize at some point why the series Lucifer had problems and why it was closed after the third season.

Why do I love Dracula? For many reasons, but one of the main ones is that this is a film for adults. And not only because the heroes are over forty and have problems, consistent with their age but also because it was written and played at an adult level. You see, the main female character of Lucifer at the beginning of the film is thirty-five years old, and Lucifer himself, by human standards, looks forty-something, but at the same time, they have teenage problems and relationships.

Well, a grown-up woman can`t, giggling, bat her eyes and say to a grown-up man, ‘This is a date, right? Oh, I don’t know…’ or at every hint of sexual or emotional intimacy, wave her hands and say that that`s not what she meant. When characters do this, it inevitably involves teenage context and – of course – teen romance clichés. I saw reviews that said, ‘How is it that Chloe doesn`t react to Lucifer`s power? What is this, teenage fan fiction?’ Yes. With such a heroine, this can only be a teenage fanfic. And combined with her age, it looks terrible.

This approach to the heroine logically gives rise to another teenage cliche: the ideal girl and the bad guy.

That`s why I love Dracula and the relationship between Dracula and Agatha so much. Agatha was never a good girl and never considered herself one. Her monastic habit in this sense is a mockery of herself (in the text) and a reminder to the authors that ‘not everyone is a monk who wears a hood.’ After all, when Agatha says Johnathan about priests who always survive, she speaks not only about one particular priest but about all of them. Including that priestess who sits in front of Harker.

Not only is Agatha not perfect, she`s clear from the start that she`s interested in dark forces, and she clearly has a checkered past. She enjoys communicating with Dracula and does not hide it. She does not purse her lips and does not pretend that she is unpleasant about one or another of his actions – if she is unpleasant, then she is unpleasant, and she speaks about it openly. Agatha does not try to behave ‘decently’. She doesn`t care about decorum.

Agatha lies to herself, but this is the lie of an adult who has been burned many times by her own ugly truth.

And what about Chloe? Nothing. Sweet, smart, right, with a hairstyle that makes her eyes pop out of her head, she walks back and forth with a gun and, living in Los Angeles and being a police officer and a former actress who starred in a movie with nude scenes, she is horrified that... the nightclub owner picked up the cigarette at the crime scene?

Don`t get me wrong. I love the beauty and the beast trope. I don`t like it being turned into a straight-A student/bad-boy relationship. Moreover, if the student has not read anything except the textbook and is mainly concerned with ensuring that no one thinks that she likes the bad guy. It`s disgusting.

I don`t know how they planned to build the plot in Lucifer and who came up with the love line itself. But this is clearly its weak point. Everything else in the first three seasons is just great. All the characters, without exception, are good. The way they communicate and work together is amazing. The way the divine beings settle down on earth and try to find themselves is brilliant. The world of the series itself, its internal state, atmosphere, are beautiful. Everything in it is in its place and everything is where it should be. Except Chloe. And that`s the problem.

I don`t know why this happened. I assume that because the authors could not decide on the genre and audience of the series. On the one hand, the theme and genre seem to be teenage – a comic book about the devil who ‘lights up’ Los Angeles. On the other hand, a story about a hero who goes on a journey in search of himself (and this is what lies at the heart of the plot) is not a teenage one. Teenagers are not searching for themselves. Teenagers trying to fit in. These are different things. And the discord is completed by the choice of actors for the main roles and the age category of most of the characters – over forty. If all this happened, roughly speaking, with heroes Bella Swan`s age and in a high school setting, then everything would be fine. And Chloe`s mental turmoil would not look idiotic, but consistent with the age and psychological norm.

It hurts. Really. Because there are several moments in the series that are incredibly beautiful and valuable regardless of everything else. The main character`s journey to himself, his sad and funny attempts to get rid of his father and his unwillingness to see how much he loves his father and depends on him and his opinion of himself, his devotion to his friends, their connection that exists despite everything and radiates light. The way the hero reveals his face is one of the most intimate scenes I have ever seen, and also that how he protects his beloved. This is wonderful.

But at the same time, the story, after dozens and dozens of episodes, came down to whether the heroes would sleep together. That`s not how it`s done. Perhaps I don`t understand something and perhaps my opinion will change over time, but now everything in me is protesting. I want an adult story to remain an adult story. Do I want too much?

Or maybe Steven Moffat just spoiled me.

[c-schroed]

With season eight of Within the Wires fresh on the air for the next nine weeks (I guess), I though it would be nice for me to write another podcast review. But as much as I love Within the Wires in its entirety, I have the strong feeling I would not give it justice if I just made a review of its so far seven seasons as a whole. Because (a) they are very different from one another; with every season having new voices and a new tone and atmosphere and (b) the seasons need not to be heard in the order they were produced, one can skip seasons or listen to more interesting ones first.

I mean, I'm not perfectly sure about this, because I have listened to the show in its original order. But I think that at least after season three one can really choose freely. Season one sets the mood, and seasons two and three tell you most you need to know about the alternate history of this universe. But we'll talk about this in a few weeks. Because I've decided to review one season at a time, always around sunday. Plus the book which premiered during season six, You Feel it Just Below the Ribs, then I should be done with my little project when the finale of the current eighth season is close.

So, without more ado, let's begin with

Podcasts I Adore - Within the Wires, Season One: Relaxation Tapes

"Are you breathing. It's important you remember to breathe."

Season one starts with a blast. With an image I never was able to forget again, one that would forever change my view of damselflies in particular and harming insects in general. And it started a motif that we'll encounter and reencounter in every installment of this series so far. And that was just in episode one, back when I still thought it was just some mockery of relaxation cassettes.

But episode two already told me there is more to get. That I will witness the unfolding of an escape plan, told entirely through smuggled in relaxation lessons. This is congenial on so many levels!

What I mainly love about this is that the authors, Jeffrey Cranor (of "Welcome to Night Vale" fame) and Janina Matthewson (who also worked on the BBC audio dramas "The Cipher" and "Murmurs"), are perfectly aware of the backgrounds of the narrator as well as her recipient. And it becomes clear very quickly that what we hear in season one is not made for our ears, but for a certain person in some weird kind of medical prison, with cameras and security nurses everywhere (I really love the word "security nurse" for all its ambiguity!). This whole found audio vibe is just perfect for podcasts, because it works with a high level of intimacy in a medium that's perfect for transporting this kind of closeness.

It is also a great way to put an audience directly into the action. Between narrator and recipient, explanations and expositions are not necessary at the beginning, thus the plot unfolds quite directly (for them as well as for us listeners) and with a unique kind of suspense, because the narrator knows that she must be very careful with how she smuggles in the information to the person she wants to help. She can't just plainly tell her plan. What she sends to her client must still at least on the surface seem like a normal relaxation lesson.

Plus, our dear narrator often cannot know exactly how her client will react, and if the plan will unfold as plotted, or if something will go wrong. And we listeners also have to wait until the beginning of the next episode to find out if all went well, or if there has been a setback. And what to do then. To me, "Within the Wires" is a show characterized by high variety of its seasons, and each season excels in another aspect than the other seasons. And for season one, this aspect clearly is how it transports suspense. No other season is as thrilling as season one (although season three sometimes came pretty close, for similar reasons).

The production of season one is flawless. The narration is done by one of the authors, Janina Matthewson, and the music that's added is diegetical, supporting the surface appearance of a relaxation audio cassette.

One does not learn too much about the world of "Within the Wires" yet, but season one still is a perfect introduction, because it demonstrates perfectly what this unique podcast is capable of. Which gives season one a head start of 8 out of 10 points.

My review of season two >

[medusinestories]

Onwards to the episode in which we get to see Flint and Silver each having a very bad day (as well as two literal dicks that nobody had asked to see).

Black Sails VII (s1 ep07)

- We open on Pastor Lambrick's sweaty face as he intensely rehearses the Easter sermon and he’s obviously eaten up by what he did with Miranda. His sermon, unsurprisingly, focuses on sin, keeping sin hidden, and the hell that awaits the sinner. Which leads us nicely onto Flint, who’s distracted (by his own sin? by thoughts of Miranda? both?) during a meeting with Eleanor. Eleanor is pissed that Miranda let Richard Guthrie send a message to the Andromache and then waltz into town to close up his business; Flint tries to take the heat off Miranda, once again protecting her (at this point, he may not know the contents of the letter).

- During this meeting, Flint is startled when Silver first speaks up to say that the mob in the street was bad - clearly Silver is a sort of intruder in this meeting. But Eleanor, after Silver reminds her by unsubtly clearing his throat, tells Flint that he’s not to harm Silver because he was instrumental in setting up the Consortium. Silver looks so pleased with himself in these scenes, and Flint quite defeated when he tells Silver to follow him back to their camp. I love it.

- To parallel Flint/Miranda’s Sulky Sex scene from ep4, we have Anne/Rackham’s frustrating/disconnected sex scene. It shows us a few things about them mainly that Anne wants to keep a lot of control over what happens, hence Rackham being tied up (though of course this might also be his kink), her wearing a shirt that covers up most of her body, and the reverse cowgirl position that means that she’s both in control of what happens and completely avoids eye contact. The position reminds us of the Flint/Miranda scene, where Miranda was also on top, but their scene involved more eye contact (yes glaring counts, he’s still intensely focused on Miranda), gentle touching (on Miranda’s side) and her being naked and open to him. Another parallel is that both Flint and Rackham aren’t in the right frame of mind for sex, Flint being angry and Rackham lost in a sea of worries (and probably also somewhat angry/disappointed at Anne for forcing him into the plot to kill their crewmates). The difference between Flint and Rackham is that while Flint doesn’t seem to have any trouble performing, Rackham is miles away and doesn’t even notice that he’s lost his erection - again. Anne is frustrated by this, and apparently knows him well enough that she offers to put something up his arse, but he’s clearly not in the mood, and she leaves in a huff, abandoning him all tied up as a sort of revenge for his performance problems. Whatever the problem is between them isn’t put into words (because Anne can’t yet, for starters), unlike the one between Flint and Miranda. The intimacy between Rackham and Anne, so often described as close partners, seems much more distant to me than the one shown between Flint and Miranda. I’m not sure whether it’s because of anyone’s sexual orientation, or just the fact that they’re fucking but they’ve never discussed the big important things, such as Anne’s identity/feelings/etc.

- In this episode, Dufresne gains a lot of power: with a freshly (and badly) shaved head and a new tattoo, he’s been promoted to Quartermaster on the Walrus in Billy’s place. And very quickly he has a problem to deal with: Randall revealing that Silver stole the page. Gates had actually already told this to Dufresne, as is revealed at the end of the episode, which might explain why Dufresne is relatively calm during the whole conversation, while DeGroot wants Silver and Flint hanged and Howell is surprisingly ruthless: he brings up the idea that it may be better to kill off Randall in order to get to the treasure, if they can’t make sure he’ll keep quiet about Silver being the thief. Dufresne is actually quite kind towards Silver in the scene where he puts Silver’s memory to the test - a test that could result in his death if he fails it and that Silver constantly grumbles against (I love his grumbling!). Basically, at this point Dufresne remains quite a sympathetic character, which will change a lot as the show goes on, especially after Jannes Eiselen had to leave the show (such a sad story, RIP Jannes).

- In the meantime, the Flint and Gates relationship is crumbling. It's sad to see, especially since they're shown sharing chuckles as they talk about Dufresne's appointment in the beginning of the episode. But then Gates brings up the subject of Miranda and demands explanations about the letter Billy found. We're not shown exactly what Flint answers, but it's clear that he's actually trying his best to give him an explanation without incriminating Miranda too badly. The sad thing is that Flint is actually telling the truth: he actually wasn't involved in any betrayal of his crew and and can only guess at Miranda's motivations. But the fact that he's lied time and again in previous situations, including on the Maria Aleyne where he claimed Lord Alfred drew a weapon on him (and Gates secretly verified that this was a lie), and used men as pawns to advance his and Miranda's plans, is now catching up to him. Flint seems truly hurt when Gates accuses him of using the men for his own purposes, and turns spiteful, telling Gates that he should have been "a better father" to Billy and helped him "understand the world he was living in" (suggesting that such a forthright character as Billy can't really survive in a world of pirates who are all ready to stab each other in the back). After that slap in the face, Gates says he's exhausted from Flint and threatens to take it to the crew. Somehow, this pushes Flint to bare all: he tells Gates about his plan to keep a part of the treasure and use it to build up Nassau, depicting himself as a sort of saviour, doing it for the men's good: they'd rather be rich men in a safe place than dead thieves hanging from a noose. Gates sees this as delusions of grandeur, and tells him that while he'll see the Urca plot through, after that they're done. I actually think he sees Flint’s point, since he doesn’t just throw him to the crew, but won’t admit that out loud. The whole of this scene hurts bad, because you can tell that Flint is desperate and sad to be losing his closest ally and friend, and that Gates is hurting from the loss of Billy and exhausted from the toxic relationship he has with Flint, where he's played enabler to his manipulations for years.

- While Flint and Gates’ alliance is breaking, Silver has to forge one with Randall or die. Randall finds out in the beginning of the episode that he’s been voted out of the crew. This is apparently due to DeGroot’s fears that Randall could be a fire hazard, which the crew took disproportionately to heart. Randall is furious with Silver, who smugly tells him that in these situations, a setback often comes with a new or unexpected opportunity. He’s right, but at this point he doesn’t know that he is the opportunity Randall’s going to latch on. Randall reveals that Silver is a thief, and Silver denies it, saying that Randall is both a halfwit and was in a haze of opium when he heard what he thought he heard; he even tries to convince Randall that he was mistaken (this, my friends, is gaslighting). However, by revealing that Silver was the thief, Randall sets a chain of events into motion which could either end with his death (if Howell has his way, since Randall is an inconvenient witness) or Silver’s (if DeGroot tips the balance, not trusting Silver to remember the coordinates and not wanting to sacrifice Randall for nothing). Silver figures out that these are the outcomes, and tries to talk sense into Randall by making a deal with him: he’ll care for Randall and make sure he can stay on the ship. But it’s only when Silver finally admits that he is the thief and that Randall was right, that Randall accepts the deal. Later, Silver realises that Randall might have orchestrated the whole thing: he’s now got Silver to serve him, doesn’t have to take any risks on the ship, and gets to remain with the crew. Silver wonders if Randall is a genius rather than a halfwit (a word thrown about a lot to describe him). And it seems quite obvious, considering what happened, that Randall still has strong survival skills (an amputee with impaired cognitive skills doesn’t stand a chance of survival outside a crew and he must be aware of it), that he still has a good memory and an ability to pick out useful information and that he’s aware enough of what’s going on to be upset by the crew’s rejection and Silver’s attempt to gaslight him. I think it’s important to recognise that Randall is more than a comic relief or a grotesque character: he’s a disabled man who's lost parts of his cognitive ability and is struggling to survive.

- This episode focuses on Vane facing his past. He seeks out the island where he grew up and its master, Albinus. I’d forgotten or never really registered that Albinus was a pirate and that the men who work for him were mostly his crew - and likely slaves (or children, hence Vane?) that he managed to capture/press into service. He’s retired from pirating and set up a system where his men cut down trees for timber all day, without wages. It’s not clear exactly how he holds so much power over these men, although it seems that everyone is terrified of him. He’s extremely strong physically, seems shrewd, speaks rather well, and his tattoos suggest that maybe he’s involved in some kind of ritual (truly religious or just for show?) which would make him all the more scary to superstitious people. Vane is clearly still frightened: he barely makes eye contact and practically stutters when he first tries to make the deal with Albinus, which is that he’ll take some of Albinus’ men as crew and send Albinus part of their earnings as tribute. It says a lot about Albinus that Vane, after years of having run away, is still so scares that he’s willing to pay him a tribute. But he changes his mind as he stares at a boy bearing the same brand as he does: he tries to persuade the men that Nassau is a pace of pleasures rather than hard labour, and confronts Albinus. The fight is brutal and ends with Vane buried naked, just after Albinus tells him that he’s proud of him. But of course Vane wouldn’t be Vane if he didn’t rise from the dead at the last minute and kill Albinus, goaded on by his inner Eleanor voice.

- In the meantime, Mr Scott returns to Eleanor, apologising for what he did, telling her he betrayed her out of love. However he also reminds her of his slave status: technically, he belongs to her. The argument upsets her, and he quite cleverly uses this moment to ask her to free the slaves who were on the Andromache. And it works: by the end of the episode, she’s made arrangements for the men to work on ships and has bought the women’s freedom and found them jobs in her tavern. But Mr Scott has still decided to leave Eleanor to join Hornigold’s crew, to refrain from meddling with Eleanor’s affairs, since he disagrees with her so strongly re: the Urca. Hornigold approached him earlier in the episode, and the introduction to that scene is quite interesting: Hornigold says to Mr Scott “I’ll need to know your secret” and Mr Scott looks startled and frightened. It seems that he’s startled because he’d been giving food to the slaves, but in light of S3, it could be a much greater secret that’s being referred to. Mr Scott is relieved when he realises that Hornigold is simply talking about tolerating Eleanor, who he clearly can’t stand.

- Flint’s bad day continues, of course, with the big confrontation he has with Miranda. He’s furious about the letter (of which he now knows the contents thanks to Gates), telling her that it could have got him killed, or destroyed the plans they’d made and asking her whether she was trying to embarrass him. This sounds so weirdly petty, and yet it also sounds exactly like the kind of argument that would come up in a bickering couple. Miranda answers that she was trying to help him out of that life, because she wants to move on. This is where Miranda utters the famous “there is no life here, there is no joy here, there is no love here”. I noticed that, covered by Flint yelling at her, and distorted because her voice has gone very shrill, Miranda says another line, which sounds like “you used to love, then”. If that really is what she says, it’s extra-extra-extra heartbreaking to hear (if someone wants to check it for me, it’s around 35:40). It’s obvious that Flint and Miranda’s views on life are very different, and I can’t help but think back to the fact that, as a carpenter’s son from the country, Flint has had to struggle all his life to become who he is. So when he says that you can’t get a life without having a war, and Miranda tells him he’s wrong, she’s speaking entirely from the point of view of her privilege. She’s never needed to fight as hard as he has to be happy, because she got extremely lucky in marrying Thomas. And when she says that Thomas would agree with her, I’m certain she’s right. But life has never been like that for Flint, and there’s no way he’ll ever entirely agree with their point of view. Rewatching this scene is tough, btw, because they both have great points, they’re both hurting so much, and there’s so much to take in between the body language, the facial expressions, the tones of voice and the actual words that it’s a whole whirlwind. And it feels very, very real.

- It’s absolutely hilarious to see Rackham get robbed by the whores taking advantage of his lack of knowledge (and research). He should absolutely have done a better job and has no clue how to run a brothel. He’s lucky Max takes things in hand after having heard from Idelle that the girls were taking advantage.

- Then we have the beautiful Drunk Flint scene. Eleanor notices him feeling very sorry for himself after Gates has pretty much broken up with him and he’s still reeling from fighting with by Miranda. I think Flint feels very misunderstood here. He thought that he was doing something good, to save Nassau and avenge Thomas, and doesn’t understand why they can’t see it, why they only see the terrible methods he uses to reach his goals. So he’s full of doubt, clearly wondering if he’s the villain of the story, and puts the question to Eleanor: is their plan worth it? Eleanor is the only person who still believes in him, which leads us to the only scene that I would ever call straight-baiting. Flint hovers near Eleanor, breathing heavily, and a variety of emotions play over her face during this moment of tension, as she seems to think this is leading to a kiss. It does, he gives her a chaste little forehead kiss and leaves. All the elements are in place to make your average viewer start shipping these two. I actually find it hilarious that the ship barely exists in the fandom (though I wasn’t there in the beginning of the fandom and I guess the viewership changed a lot between S1 and S4).

- The scene with Flint and Gates glaring at each other from their respective ships and Parson’s Farewell playing in the background... epic! We know this is the beginning of a big struggle between them, especially since we find out that Gates has pretty much decided that he’ll hand Flint over to the crew once they get the money. But nnnnggh that scene! The ships leaving on their hunt! Awesome and heartbreaking!

[epic-sorcerer]

Merlin would have been so much more gay if the writers stayed true to Celtic paganism(the historicaly accurate “old religion”)

Trigger warnings:

Main triggers: talk of sex, homophobia, religion, Catholics, colonization, anti Celtic, murder

Mention triggers: rape and sexual assault, creepy men, gore, insest, toxic masculinity

I will mark the sections with quick triggers with 2 red lines. Below the second one is when the trigger is gone.

_____________

I am posting this on December 21st, as today is the Winter Solstice, a Celtic Pagan holiday. It will be posted at 3:33 PM, as 3 is a sacred number among the celts. Because of the special occasion, I will be speaking on a subject that was important to many of them—homosexuality.

Some stuff first for introductions. Yes, yes, I know this may be boring but it helps with context. This religion didn’t have a name other than Celtic pagan or Celtic religion bc it seams everyone there believed it. This was until the Roman Empire concurred what is now the UK. Since Rome had adopted Christianity—more specifically, Roman Catholocism—they only allowed that religion to be practiced.

———(genocide)——

Once England was concurred in 43 A.D, the pagans were killed and their religion was surpressed. Not much is known about the pagans for this reason. However, we do know somethings from what the Romans have written down. Although, it is biased, as they believed the celts to be barbaric and also didn’t wright much about women.

——gore ——

First, we know they preformed human sacrifice on kings when the kingdom suffered along with some other groups.This could be from bad ruling to really bad weather. These kings died horribly, as they seamed to be stabbed multiple times, had thier nipples cut off, and left to die in a bog.

They had thier nipples cut off because the subjects would suck on the kings’ nipples to demonstrate submission, so cutting them off would fully dethrone the king.

—————

Now, background over. Here’s where it gets good.

Nipple sucking between too lovers or ‘special friends’ was seen as a preclemation of love, physical intimacy, and sexual expression. This, like other types of sex, was seen as something beutiful and sacred. Often, male soldiers would have these ‘special friend’ relationships with many fellow soldiers in groups. The Romans even observed that Celtic men seamed to prefer other males for love/sexual interest over women.

Nipple sucking was mostly described was between two men. Although, we must recognize that women may have been left out of written history. I would also like to point out, this may prove that aromantic people existed in that time, as these ‘special friends’ had sex and were not mentioned to be romantically involved.

The celts were known for their sex positivity and even eroticism because they loved it so much.This is one of the reasons why the pagans and the Chatholics clashed so badly.

Before the Romans really took over, Saint Patrick—yes, the Saint Patrick—started to try to convert the celts into Roman catholosim. He was appalled at the wide acceptance of polyamory(women were aloud to marry however many people they wanted) and homosexual relationships/marriages. Not to mention the celts could have sex with any one at any time as long as it is consensual.

——(Tw creepy men)——

That means no waiting til marriage, unless a Celtic chose to do so. Although we should take into consideration a statement made by Diodorus Siculus, an antient Greek historian, that “the young men will offer themselves to strangers and are insulted if the offer is refused.” In his series Bibliotheca historica. This could mean that either creepy men were comman place, or that homosexuality was so comman and done with everyone, it was wierd to be rejected.

————

Getting back to the Roman Catholics, the book Sextus Empiricus is published in the early 3th century and states,

“...amongst the Persians it is the habit to indulge in intercourse with males, but amongst the Romans it is forbidden by law to do so...”

It also goes on to say,

“...amongst us sodomy is regarded as shameful or rather illegal, but by the Germanic they say, it is not looked on as shameful but as a customary thing.”

For clarification, Germany is apart of Celtic society. So what we can infer is a very serious culture shock in terms of Rome and other places. During Emporor Serverus Alexander’s reign, openly homosexuals were deported.

In early 4th century, Emporor Constaine—the first Christian Roman Emperor—destroyed an Egyptian temple populated exclusively by femme, gay, pagan, priests. The Emproror then went on to eradicate all of them. However in 337 A.D., 3 emperors ruled, including Constantius II and Constans I, who where both in mlm relationships.

An odd thing these emporors went on to do was criminalize male bottoming during mlw sex 342 A.D.. 8 years later, Emperors Valentinian II, Theodosius I, and Arcadius ferther punished this act by killing these men by Public burning at the stake.

———(Tw toxic masculinity)———

I believe this was because masculinity was very important and a man acting in a more feminine role was seen as emasculating and humiliating. For the average man, he had to fight and defend his masculinity. Not doing so was seen as a personal failure.

——————

The last ever known peice of European literature containing a positive representation of homosexuality for 1,000 years was a large epic poem by Nonnus of Panopolis. It was titled Dionysiaca and the first part was published in 390 A.D., the last in 405 A.D..

So yeah, The catholics were very selective in terms of sex. One can only imagine how badly the celts and Catholics clashed. Back to 435 A. D., Saint Patrick began to preach Catholism and around that time wrote in his Confessio. He recounted that he found a boat to get out of Ireland and refused to suck on the nipples of those aboard.

“And on the same day that I arrived, the ship was setting out from the place, and I said that I had the wherewithal to sail with them; and the steersman was displeased and replied in anger, sharply: ‘By no means attempt to go with us.’ Hearing this I left them to go to the hut where I was staying, and on the way I began to pray, and before the prayer was finished I heard one of them shouting loudly after me: ‘Come quickly because the men are calling you.’ And immediately I went back to them and they started to say to me: ‘Come, because we are admitting you out of good faith; make friendship with us in any way you wish.’ (And so, on that day, I refused to suck the breasts of these men from fear of God, but nevertheless I had hopes that they would come to faith in Jesus Christ, because they were barbarians.) And for this I continued with them, and forthwith we put to sea.”

—(Tw very mild rape/sex assault mention—

So, as you can see, Celtic and Catholic ways clashed horribly. Something seen as good and sacred to the indigenous tribes was seen as barbaric and sinful to Saint Patrick. Also, don’t worry, the celts did not press the issue ferther, or else this would be a very different story.

—————

This only snowballed into a much bigger issue much later in medival English sexuality. They were VERY picky on what sex was aloud. Missionary was the only aloud position and it has to be the least pleasurable as possible. Making out and masturbation wasn’t aloud either, as that was also seen as a sin. Here’s a low Rez chart to help figure out when sex was okay.

While we are discussing such a queer topic, I would like to bring up the topic of Anam Cara, or Soul Friends in Antient Celtic culture. A Soul Friend was a word used to describe a Philosophy in which one is not completely whole without thier “other half.” This person can be in a platonic, romantic, or familiar kind of love. Really, all it boils down to is that 2 poeple were made to be together since the beginning of time and will be at thier strongest when they become companions.

There is a Celtic legend that seams to depict a mlm Anam Cara relationship. It tells the story of Cuchulainn and Ferdiad, two male worriors who have known and loved each other a long time. But they must kill each other in a duel. Both are vary reluctant, as at least one of them will have to die.

————(Tw insest)———

Before I go on, it is important to mention there is a lot of debate on wether or not this is homosexual. Mainly because they were foster brothers, but since insest wasn’t as much of a taboo, I do not think this would be as much of a set back as it is today.

—————

They had tried to kill each other each day for 3 days, but they ended up hugging each other and kissing 3 times. On the fourth day, however, Cuchulainn killed Ferdiad. The man then holds Ferdiad in his arms and sings peoms for a long time. Here are some:

“We were heart-companions once,

We were comrades in the woods,

We were men that shared a bed

When we slept the heavy sleep

After hard and weary fights.

Into many lands, so strange,

And side by side we sallied forth

And we ranged the woodlands through,When with Scathach we learned arms!”

Heart companions seams to be similar or the same as soul freind, because of how it’s used. Although sleeping in the same bed isn’t inherently sexual, Cuchulainn then goes on to complement Ferdiad’s physical features.

“Dear to me thy noble blush,

Dear thy comely, perfect form;

Dear thine eye, blue-grey and clear,

Dear thy wisdom and thy speech”

Although this is deeply sweet I would also like to caution that Chuhulainn may have simply been commenting on his healthiness, but blush is an odd word considering he is now dead.

Two male lovers, one dead in the other’s arms. Soul friends, maybe. Reminds me of a certain show..I don’t know I just can’t put my finger on it...

I would also like to point out that because Celtics did not pressure others to have sex, and that a soul friend can be any type of love, I do think that an asexual or someone on that spectrum could live without judgment.Unfortunately, I could not find much about intersex, androgynous, or trans people. Perhaps if I find anything in the future and will make a new post.

In conclusion, if Merlin were more historicaly accurate, he definitely would have been queer. Especially because he is said to be magic itself, it would make sense for him to be the personification of Celtic values. That may include homosexuality, because as previously stated, Celtic men really liked other men.

I’m excited to see what will come of this post, seeing as not a lot of people in the fandom seem to know this. More fanfiction? More fanart? It would probably inspire a lot of creators. So, if you do make something because of this post, please notify me in the notes, an ask, an @ or something. Basically anything but a PM. I would be happy to see/read the creation.

Sources:

Sexuality and love in Celtic society:

Same Sex Celts

Druid Thoughts: of Sex and Druids

Anam Cara, what’s a soul mate?

Sexuality in Ancient Ireland

The Celts, Women, and Sex

LGBT history

Sexuality and love in Medival Society:

Getting down and medival: the sex lives of the Middle Ages

Sex in the Middle Ages

Here’s What Sex Was Like In Medieval Times. It’ll Make You Feel Glad You Weren’t Born Back Then!

General Celtic Society:

Who Were the Celts

Celtic Religion and Belieifs

Saint Patrick

17 Things You Probably Didnt know about Saint Patrick

Confession of Saint Patrick

Cuchulainn and Ferdiad

Cuchulainn and Ferdiad, Gay Lovers?

The Combat of Ferdiad and Cuchulain

Insest in Antient Celtic Society

Ancient Irish elite practiced incest, new genetic data from Neolithic tomb shows

Homosexuality in the Roman Empire

Timeline of LGBT history

Timeline of LGBT history in the United Kingdom

[tiptapricot]

I’ve been having a lot of Evil Robo BnT thoughts recently, so here’s a bunch of them! This ended up pretty long just as a forwarning djjdjd

Post DeNomolos, Evil BnT are forced to do a lot of self exploration and discovery

They’re two robots from the far future, stuck in the past with each other and the two humongously important historical figures they were not only sent back to kill, but also physically made to look and sound exactly like, with no way back to their own time and no further reason to carry out the mission they were created for

It’s a lot to adjust to

(Three uses of the f-slur near the end in a canon compliant/reclaimed usage context, and implied sexual content, but extremely mild)

It still doesn’t have much of an impact on them at first though, besides some anger and annoyance. They don’t feel emotions in the same way or to the same depth that humans do, so they kind of fall back on: this sucks and that guy was a dick, guess we have to live in the stupid past now, and that’s the extent of it

But they’re also AIs, and AIs learn and grow

They hide out in a cheap apartment for the first few months or so back, going out to steal money to pay for rent and to pick up movies and stuff, but it’s exposure to the world, it’s living. And the more they interact with people, the more media they consume, the more the rigid walls of their programming break down and expand

And that’s when things start getting complicated

Because that’s when things like morals, sense of self, purpose in life, and, to their horror, real emotions start coming into play

Their evil edges start corroding, things stop being as straightforward, and they start developing into their own complex people

Being Bill and Ted with a few glorified descriptors stuck on the front starts feeling… weird, especially when they inevitably end up running into them again and being around them more

Because they’re supposed to be Bill and Ted, but they aren’t, and yet they can’t completely deny the parts of themselves that are….. it’s frustrating

As a first step in both asserting and exploring their individuality, they choose their own names

Evil Bill chooses Willis, or Will for short, and Evil Ted goes with Theoneous, Theo for short

It’s different enough to feel like their own thing, while still appeasing the ingrained itch to take BnT’s place

There are gaps like that, a disconnect/mental dissonance between their consciousnesses and the knowledge that they’re robots, circuitboards and wires and code, like a separation between what they feel is them and what they feel is the robot

That’s an experience that continues as they grow, especially as they try and figure out what to do with their lives. It’s tough sometimes, to figure out where the programming ends and where their own wants and drives begin

They’re the only ones familiar enough with future tech to help each other when they experience technical issues or need repairs, and the only ones they feel comfortable being that physically vulnerable with

It leads to them being kind of codependent, but it’s warranted in a lot of ways

They also naturally stick closer to each other, because even though they grow to have emotions and are able to care about people, they aren’t totally mushy

They don’t get as upset about things, or as excited, and while they form their own kind of love for the people they end up caring about (without admitting it), they’re still never able to connect with humans in the same way they connect with each other

It’s this inherent wall, a difference in how they experience the world

Their forms of affection are machine based, just like how humans are human based. They’ll give each other cold packs when it’s hot or they’ve been moving a lot, they’ll do evening maintenance on each other, chatting while one of them has their hand in the other’s chest cavity, and they jump on each other or bang their shoulders together super hard, because they can’t feel a thing and they’re durable enough for it, and that’s fun to them

That doesn’t really carry over to human interaction though, and a lot of times they end up coming across as cold or mean

They generally have a rougher seeming relationship than most humans. There’s a lot of teasing and insults and slapping, which turns most people off from them, but that’s how they show they’re comfortable (it’s also how they show they don’t like people, but there’s a subtle and meaningful difference there, AKA that they won’t purposefully try to harm the former party)

Robots process sound differently too, for them it’s more of a physical experience than just listening

Will’s guilty pleasure is that he likes to listen to piano (secretly), especially Debussy and other classical that sounds similar. Something about it makes his circuitry feel good and fuzzy and calms him down

He doesn’t feel comfortable telling Theo about it, it still feels like a dumb pussweed thing to be into (plus it continues to make him have some most non metal thoughts about kissing and That’s DEFINITELY not something he can share)

They also both really like death metal. Though they were loosely programmed with the knowledge of BnT’s music taste, it’s not quite their style, and they lean towards the more intense stuff

They do that in most fields though, since it usually takes higher energy stuff to get them going/excited/into something

That’s why they roughhouse a lot, and mess things up, and drive recklessly, it forces their mechanics to process more things more quickly, and as a result gives them their own form of dopamine/adrenaline

Sometimes things backfire, they’ve fucked themselves up accidentally on more then one occasion when stuff goes too far or isn’t what they expect, but they’re always there to patch each other up

When their synth skin gets ripped or torn they don’t always bother to repair it, and underneath there’s a layer of see through hard plastic and their bodies look like those clear case electronics that were popular in the 90s (idea cred to @juiceboxfrog !)

They also have inspector gadget-like telescoping stretch arms at their wrist and ankle joints, but they don’t use those much because they’re unsettling to most humans. Definitely a leg up when they want to climb places the shouldn’t, though (idea cred to @showbiz-za !)

Theo is more prone to needing fix ups than Will, since the extra wiring that was installed for the time and space spanning camera DeNomolos gave him made him more susceptible to short circuiting, over heating, and other glitches

After awhile he just takes his left eye out and leaves it like that, keeping his hair in his face to cover it. It doesn’t do anything for the internal parts of it he still has, but it’s not like it’s a loss. The connection port kept sparking, and it was uncomfortable and kept fucking with his vision, so it wasn’t worth it

Plus he didn’t really like that it used to be a camera… or still could be

One of the things Will and Theo both have to get used to is actually valuing their own privacy and autonomy

When DeNomolos was around they were just his tools, tools that he didn’t even like

They honestly grow to resent him pretty fast, both with his treatment of them, and, when their emotions are especially out of control, his creation of them

They don’t talk about it much, or when they do it’s mainly anger, not addressing or showing the more raw parts they do feel, because that’s still foreign to them, and their circuits weren’t designed to process or understand more complex stuff

Complex stuff like how being around Ted more makes Theo develop a certain… insecurity

It’s not like the connections are hard to make: he looks like Ted, he sounds like Ted, he was meant to be Ted, Ted has a dickweed of a dad, and Theo had a dickweed of a creator, Ted has Bill and Theo has Will

But Theo doesn’t have Deacon

And while he doesn’t want to be exactly like Ted, part of him also does (it was made to). Part of him wants to be human, to have those natural connections and someone to watch over

But he doesn’t and it’s weird*

He tries to ignore it, chalks it up to his drive still attempting to put him on his original track of replacing Ted, and therefore making him more aware of the family roles Ted has

For all he knows that is what it is, he’s just a robot after all

Even though they aren’t really ones for mushy love, Will and Theo do love each other

You can’t not when you know the other person inside and out, literally

They joke a lot about that when they’re doing repairs (“Dude you’re holding my heart, pretty faggy of you.”), and though they laugh, there’s an unspoken intimacy to it, something that sits warm in their wires and goes beyond platonic; something (though they would never describe it as such) loving about getting to take care of each other, and getting to get taken care of

The jokes also stop being jokes after awhile and take on a charge, morphing into unofficial flirting

Eventually that charge sparks, and their relationship becomes a different kind of physical. That’s new, too, a type of exploration neither of them are familiar with, but it’s nice, it’s good, and it’s easier to write off as casual and not meaningful than anything else (for the record I do think this works/plays out different for them than it does for humans, but I will nOt get into that here or anywhere lmao)

That arrangement doesn’t last forever, though, because one night Theo has a bad malfunction that cause him to completely power down, and it sends Will into a panic

It takes him almost an hour to fix the problem and for Theo to reboot, and when he comes back Will can’t stop touching him and checking in and it’s weird

“Why are you so worked up dude, this’s happened plenty of times.”

“Yeah I know you just… you fritzed out and went limp and it freaked me out dude.”

“So? You know this is nothing to worry about. I don’t get why you’re kinda acting like such a pussweed dude.”

“I didn’t know what was wrong! That’s plenty of reason to be fucking worried!”

“Not for you! Not for us! Why the hell do you care so much this time?”

“Because I love you, asshole!”

And then there’s silence, and staring, and then Theo cracks a smile

“Heh, fag.”

Kissing after a confession, as it turns out, makes both of them short circuit, and they wake up three days later still tangled up on top of each other, half falling off the apartment couch

“Y’know… I think we’re both fags now dude,” Will whispers, and they chuckle in the space between their mouths. “I did it first though.”

*he does get this later with Billie and Thea, but that’s a whole separate post

(As one last thing wanted to add that Love Came Along by Pansy Division perfectly encapsulates the vibes of Will n Theo’s relationship to me, AKA something casual and almost humorous while still being super intimate and emotional, so def check it out if you’re ok with suuuuper explicitly sexual lyrics bfgjgfdfg)

Headcanons masterpost

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Just an observation. The vminnies were being fed pretty heavily since the beginning of the year, and now the content seems somewhat focused on the other pairings (mainly involving JM & JK). This is not shipper narrative but what we are being shown. Why do you think this happens? We definitely don’t need weekly content aligning with our ship of choice, but it is something I have noticed from the time vmin caught my attention. Editing truly can mess with your head, not to mention when it jumps all over the timeline. I have to say, as great as Let’s BTS was, it left me scratching my head more. The entire group’s reaction was all over the place, and sorry JM was rather distant.

Hi everyone,

Since Admin 1 is very busy again, I’ll (Admin 2) answer instead.

It's true, I agree with the anon. All the content we receive is edited and by design is supposed to show us all the members and their interactions. However, depending on what we focus on, we will see our chosen members more than others. In this case our chosen members are Jimin and Taehyung, so naturally in every content we get, we notice their interactions with the members most, or lack thereof. One thing that’s important to keep in mind is that we don’t know why things are edited the way they are, be it to make them funnier, so scenes that are less funny get cut, or more serious, so scenes that are not serious are cut, etc. Does that mean the editors were told to cycle through “feeding” different ships? No. It just depends on which members interactions happened and which fit the mood of the content best, or which added more to the point/theme/message of the content.

Admin 1 wrote a post about a similar topic (as in the “no screen time = no bond” paradox) some time ago which you can read here.

Even if a specific piece of content has more interactions between, like you gave as example, Jimin and JK, that doesn’t mean it is this way for the sake of shippers, but that perhaps their interactions were ones that fit the episode best, but whatever else is interpreted into that, that’s only on the shippers and their narratives and often does not have anything to do with the actual interaction itself. Notice how some will take the most inconsequential interaction and turn it into the biggest romantic gesture ever, and yet gestures that really show a form of gentleness or “intimacy”, like Taehyung taking Jimin’s cold hand and touching it to his cheek, are ignored or drowned out or belittled even though, subjectively, interactions like these show us something that very much is significant.

So while we might get more interactions between members X and Y, the type of interaction is what makes the difference. As well as the choices editors made for whatever reason, but those reasons have nothing to do with romance. Bhit and the editors for their different content are not a dating agency and BTS content isn’t part of a larger “romantic” show like, I don’t know, Love Island.

Furthermore, we already had this conversation so many times, and Admin 1 also already asked for questions insinuating these types of things, to stop because it makes us feel like a broken record. We have to learn to differentiate between normal interactions between friends and those that actually hold more significance, because most interactions are just interactions between best friends and any romantic vibes and implications are projected onto them by those that want them to be this way. If you watch content through a more OT7 lens, these interactions will just be funny to you and you won’t think of them as “ship” interactions. After all, even OT7s noticed how much more significant Taehyung’s words to Jimin in Let’s BTS were while they laughed at how Jimin’s request from JK was like a typical thing between best friends/brothers. Only their shippers decided that their “I’m hyungs copycat” message has deeply romantic implications, because that’s what they wanted from that scene.

Besides if you pay attention to what happens in shipper spaces, when there are more vmin moments with clear implications pointing toward them being more, immediately other shippers jump into action to show that their ship supposedly has way more romantic interactions than whatever vmin did. Even if they are the only ones who see things like that. It’s treated as competition, which is unhealthy and misses the point.

Let's BTS was very interesting and funny and, in places, very controversial when it comes to shippers.

I've read a lot of different reactions. From the very nice and sweet reaction of OT7s to Taehyung's words over to unpleasant and even offensive opinions from shippers of other ML ships.

According to Jk*okers, Taehyung acted inappropriately and intrusively, in the opinion of Tk*okers this letter was actually somehow meant toward JK etc. the list goes on and on.

In my opinion, Jimin was not distant. Jimin was nervous and a bit surprised, but also behaved a bit as if he knew what to expect.

I think that: If Jimin hadn't agreed with Taehyung's words and all of his actions, we would never have seen it, the way Jin asked the You Quiz editors to cut large parts of his answers as well. The program was not live, it was edited, had music in the background to set the mood, and so on. As example the letter was blurred out for dramatic effect or because a request for that was made, we might never know, but if the translation of the content of the card being for Jimin’s eyes only was the right one, then it would be the latter option. If this situation had not been welcomed and okay with Jimin, it probably would not have been aired in this form and instead replaced by something else, redone, or a million other options. Jimin was visibly nervous, maybe a bit embarrassed, he wanted this situation to "pass" as quickly as possible, but he was definitely not distant or anything else that has a negative implication/connotation.

On the other hand, I personally saw some satisfaction on Jimin's face. Let's not pretend that not everyone would be happy to receive such a message from the most beautiful man in the world (lol). Taehyung spoke honestly about his feelings (“Jimin-ah, I like you the most”) and Jimin reacted the way he did. He didn't know what to do, whether to laugh or cry or run away from nervousness, but there was no negative reaction on his part. Jimin, with a very serious face and focused eyes, replied clearly by saying “Thank you, Taehyung, I also like you a lot”. He wouldn’t say that if he was distant, or if he wouldn’t feel that way or if he didn’t like the situation or Taehyung’s words.

Now firmly putting on my delulu hat just to be sure: In my opinion there was something important on this piece of paper but phrased in a way that wouldn’t cause any weird thoughts in the KBS staff (since those cards were clearly written and prepared by the same person and not the members themselves since the handwriting was the same) but that Jimin would understand. Taehyung and Jimin know each other long enough to communicate things toward each other in a manner that only they will understand the implication of something, I’m certain of that. Jimin's words were an answer to Taehyung's “confession” and while outwardly they didn’t seem as weighted as Taehyung’s, I wouldn’t be surprised if they did hold a deeper meaning that only the two of them understood. Maybe it has something to do with the ring that suddenly appeared on Taehyung's index finger?

Okay, taking my delulu hat off again.

In summary, in my opinion even if certain content has more scenes between Taehyung/Jimin and Z member instead of between the two of them, that doesn’t mean it’s to “feed” other shippers or that it contradicts vmin as what we see them. It all boils down to editing choices and what fits the mood/theme/message etc of the content best and what footage was captured. Also we should watch content as ARMY first and shippers second that way we don’t see other “ship” interactions as “negative” but simply as what they are: cute/funny/interesting interactions between the members, whom we should all love.

And no, Jimin wasn’t distant. He reacted in a way that made sense and fit Jimin, as in his way of keeping private things private and guarding his more affectionate interactions with Taehyung. If he hadn’t liked it or hadn’t agreed with Taehyung’s words, he wouldn’t have told him that he likes him a lot too, but instead he could’ve said something teasing to downplay the situation, or used Yoongi’s screaming and the other members reaction (I talked about those, and especially Jin’s, here) as an out to not say anything at all. But he didn’t. (also, to reiterate what I, and we, have said many times before, if Taehyung/Jimin were romantically involved with someone else, they wouldn’t do these things with their romantic implications, but they do them, so…)

I wish you a nice day or a quiet night, depending on where you are.

[groovybaybee]

Greener - III

I, II

(3.9k)

cw: mentions of abuse (nothing too intense but better safe than sorry), drug use (weed), alcohol consumption

BUZZ

 “Sorry to be a pain, can we just do the bridge one more time?” I ask guiltily.

Practice should have ended fifteen minutes ago, but the neuroses in my head refuses to pipe down.

 “It sounds great, but if you want, we can run it again.” Lana tells me from behind her drumkit, the gentle huskiness of her voice soothing me.

 “Yeah, sorry, lets call it for today. Think I’m just nervous.” I nod.

 “First show isn’t for a while, take it easy.” George speaks as he gently locks his guitar into its case.

 “Yeah, you’re right.” I sigh, rolling back my shoulders in an attempt to loosen them.

 The pair bid me goodbye, offering reassuring hugs and pats on the back, before heading out of the studio’s practice rooms. I take a few minutes in the empty room, tucking away cords and straightening things in an attempt to steady my breathing.

 BUZZ

 Reaching into my back pocket for the phone that has not stopped vibrating intermittently for the past twenty minutes, I spot three text messages. 

The first is from Lucy.

 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN YOU PICK UP SOME STUFF ON YOUR WAY OVER LATER?

 Truthfully, I had almost forgotten about Lucy’s barbeque. At least once a month she has some kind of large gathering, claiming it to be a necessity, and that not enough people celebrated just being alive. It is a beautiful sentiment, something I have always admired about Lucy is her effervescence. However, this does mean that my plans, to lay in bed the rest of the day and wallow about how unprepared for tour I feel, have been scuppered.

 I quickly reply to her and ask for a list.

 The next two messages are from Harry.

 One is a picture of him with a golden Labrador. Both appear to be smiling brightly.

 The second is the caption: ‘A girl asked me for a photo today and I told her she could only have one if I could take one with her dog – Harry’.

 Which one are you? I send back.

 Immediately, I receive a ‘:( - Harry‘ and cannot help but chuckle at him as I pull myself out of the room.

 He’s still talking to you despite how dumb you are, hmm?

 Sure, I might have been a bit rash and ridiculous in rejecting him, but it is for the right reasons. There is no way that I could put someone as wonderful and positive as Harry through all my issues.

 You’d suck the joy out of him.

 Instead, we are friendly. We speak every day. I try to keep the flirting to a minimum, but the boy does not make it easy. He is so charming and funny; it is impossible not to be swept up in his world where everything is bright and shiny.

 I can’t let that happen.

 No. There needed to be space between us. Nothing rude or unkind. Just space. Boundaries. I desperately need to keep conversations between us nothing but friendly until whatever attraction he has to me fades.

 Shouldn’t take long.

 Trying to shake off the part of me that saddens at the thought, I think ahead to this afternoon, scrolling through the extensive list of things Lucy needs me to bring her.

 Quickly stopping at home, I change into a light blue dress, patterned with small white flowers, bringing a cardigan with me as an extra layer, knowing that I would likely be staying out until the early hours of the morning.

 After picking up almost everything on the list, unable to find golf balls and unsure why she wanted them in the first place, I drive over to her house. Lucy had told me today would be a small gathering, but she says that every time, so I brace myself as I open the front door.

 “Lu?” I call, the house uncharacteristically quiet.

 The sound of claws on the wooden floor of the hallway brings a smile to my face, Pip bounding around the corner.

 “Hi, baby!” I giggle as I place my bag of supplies on the floor and crouch to greet the excitable pup. “Look how big you’re getting!”

 “If that’s you, Vi, come help me!” Lucy lets out a whine from the kitchen.

 “It’s not Vi, it’s an axe-murderer!” I call back, scratching behind Pip’s ears, making her mouth open and tongue roll out happily.

 “You can help me too!” she retorts.

 With a happy sigh, I pick up my bag and follow the sound of her voice. When I reach her, she is stood precariously on her countertop, rooting through a cupboard.

 “Careful,” I warn.

 “Thought I had kebab skewers,” she tells me, haphazardly hopping down in defeat, “Guess not. Did you bring the goodies?”

 For the next hour or so, Lucy and I work like a well-oiled machine, setting up space outside for food, but mainly making and sampling a variety of different cocktails. By the time some of her friends start to arrive, the two of us are already a little bit buzzed.

 Amongst the crowd that starts to fill out the house and attached garden is Joseph, a dear friend of Lucy’s. ‘Dear friend’ in Lucy’s world meaning they have sex and get croissants together the next morning. To be fair, it is the closest I have seen that girl to a relationship in all the years I have known her. Best not to rush Lucy into things. She will make up her mind when she is good and ready, like always.

 I notice him entering the house, eagerly scanning through the throng of people to find his girl, his eyes lighting up when he does so. Striding over to us, he presses a kiss to Lucy’s cheek and gives me a tight hug.

 “Hey,” Lucy greets him, her voice considerably lower as she wraps her arms around his waist and pulls him into her. She wastes no time in connecting their lips, hands running through his hair with complete disregard to her surroundings.

 Undoubtedly, she would blame it on the few drinks, claiming they are lowering her inhibitions. We would both know how hard she would be lying.

 Lucy has the type of freedom and self-confidence that I wish I possessed. Living her life the way she wants to, completely on her own terms, and with nothing but goodness in her heart, an ever-present sense of reckless abandon for social norms. It is clear that she lives in her own world, and anyone that has had the delight of meeting her would agree; it is a beautifully liberated world.

 The sun begins to set in the real world, but Lucy’s sun is only rising, each passing hour only enthusing her more. I watch her from the kitchen window as she has handstand competitions with some of her co-workers, no one able to resist her charms.

 “Fancy making me one?” I hear a familiar, albeit surprising voice ask from behind me.

 Turning around, I see Harry, dressed in slightly flared blue jeans, a white vest and vibrant blue Hawaiian shirt. He looks great, but when does he not?

 When I meet his eyes, his smile has left traces of itself in the dusky green as he nods his head to the cocktail shaker in my hand.

 “H-Hi.” I stammer to get out.

 Pathetic.

 “Hi,” he says softly, reaching for me instantly to pull me into a hug.

 For a moment I do not react, realising quickly that this is the first time our bodies have touched. In a quick, rushed desire for intimacy, my arms wrap themselves around him. My fingertips splay across the expanse of his back, feeling his muscles move under them. I am pulled in tighter, Harry letting out a soft sigh as his chin rests on top of my head. My nose brushes against the bare flesh of his neck, accidentally but not unhappily inhaling the scent of him. Not just his cologne, but him. It is everything I can do to pull myself away, even if only to peer up at him, our arms still encircling each other.

 “How’ve you been?” he asks gently. His voice has such a relaxing effect on me, melting away any stress from this morning and washing it away with each breath.

 “Harry!” Lucy interrupts gleefully, charging in our direction and wrapping her arms around us. “My favourite people.” She exclaims with a tight squeeze.

 “I’ll pretend I’m not hurt,” Joseph teases, having followed her inside to check on her. A decision I immediately recognise to be wise when I take in Lucy and notice her eyes struggling to stay in the same direction.

 Even after hours of eating, drinking, and heavy petting, Lucy is not done celebrating. Instead, she insists that we set up some of the microphones from her small home studio, assembling a makeshift karaoke in the middle of her living room.

 “Sing for me.” Lucy demands with a giggle, pushing a mic into my hand before plopping on to the sofa, her legs swung into Joseph’s lap. Instinctively, he moves a hand to hold them there, giving her a look of amused adoration.

 “Why do I have to go first?!” I laugh incredulously at my best friend, once again, pushing me outside of my comfort zone.

 “I’ll sing with you,” Harry offers, a smirk trying to mask tentative eyes.

 I open my mouth to object to the whole situation, but Lucy interrupts me with a devilish grin.

 “What? Don’t you want to do it with Harry?”

 If looks could kill, Joseph would be clinging to a corpse. However, at this point an offshoot of the main crowd has trickled into the room and is gathering around Harry and myself expectantly.

 “Fine!” I sigh, covering my intense feelings of panic with humour the best that I can.

 “Feeling decisive or want me to pick something?” Harry asks, desperately biting back a mischievous grin as he pours through Lucy’s laptop, connected to a series of speakers bound to piss off her neighbours.

 “You pick.” I shrug, my glaring eyes still fixed on Lucy as she giggles into her drink.

 “Okay,” Harry says, tapping play on a karaoke version of Somethin’ Stupid by Frank Sinatra.

 “Amazing.” Lucy laughs loudly over the backing track, sending a complimentary wink in Harry’s direction. The two of them share a smile, while I roll my eyes so hard that I could give a moody teenager a run for their money.

 “Ready?” Harry asks, looking to me with a look so devilishly charming that I cannot help but return his grin no matter how hard I try.

 “I know I stand in line until you think you have the time to spend an evening with me,” we begin to sing, our voices pairing surprisingly nicely.

 “And if we go some place to dance, I know that there’s a chance you won’t be leaving with me,” our voices sound great together actually, creating natural harmonies. It is clear that Harry is just as surprised as I am when our eyes meet, continuing to sing along, there is an excited glint to them that plants warmth in my torso.

 Ever the performer, Harry puts a piece of his soul into the song. His voice shifts beautifully through dynamic changes, channelling emotion until he is almost acting the song and the lyrics are just his lines.

 Forcing myself to avoid his gaze, held so lightly but fixed nonetheless, upon me, I look to Lucy. Desperate to convey to her how hard and fast my hatred towards her has manifested, but she is beaming at me so genuinely that all malice (however false it was in the first place) melts away and I simply look to my supportive, if a little manic, best friend. In her hands, her phone has replaced her half-finished cocktail, her eyes flittering between the recording and live performance.

 For a moment, I am ready to chastise her for filming my embarrassing--

 Pitchy.

 My embarrassing, most likely pitchy performance. I soon realise, however, that did I not have an awkwardly shoehorned friendship with Harry (something I had purposely neglected informing Lucy of for fear of another pep talk) I would be begging her to record me singing with someone whose career I admire so greatly. It has been a dream of mine to duet with talent like Harry’s, and she made it happen. As always, she is being a good friend.

 I blow her a kiss, which she reaches out and snatches from the air with a grin.

 “The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and, oh, the night’s so blue,” I drift back to Harry where he is already waiting for me, looking at me with such tender appreciation.

 “And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you…” Our eyes are locked. The cheeky smirks have slipped from our lips. My awareness of the others in the room seems to fade away as his eyes pierce me, and, for a moment, it feels as though he sees straight through my façade. For the shortest time, he sees the way I look at him, feels the battle of caution and excitement ever-present when I see him.

 It’s just an act.

 Once again, the noise in my head overpowers the thump of my heart. My eyes flit back to safety, singing the rest of the song to Lucy, purposefully overacting my love for her to distract from any feelings towards anyone else.

 The song comes to an end and I make a subtle but speedy getaway, replacing the microphone in its stand and dashing to the kitchen. Thankfully, the room is empty, the majority of the gathering having congregated into the living room as Lucy belts out an enthusiastic rendition of ‘I Love Rock ‘N Roll’, getting the whole party stomping their feet with her.

 “Really knows how to throw a party, doesn’t she?” I hear Harry asks from behind as fumble through one of the cabinets until my fingertips find the little tin box I was searching for.

 “Mm,” I nod, taking a deep breath to centre myself before turning to him.

 Harry is stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame slightly but keeping his distance from me, observing me carefully. His body seems tense, jaw held tightly and forehead creasing deeply. A million questions swirl through my mind, the most prevalent being: why that song? However, I ignore my itching curiosities and try to act casually.

 “Do you smoke?” I ask, lifting the small box into view.

 “Sometimes.” He nods, seeming a little more at ease.

 “Come with me.” I say, waving him to follow me.

 We slip out of the back door and into the garden. Lucy’s house is a lot more modern than mine, her garden landscaped and levelled, only a few bushes and flowerbeds breaking up the slab of lawn. At the far end of the garden is a patch of shade provided from an overhanging neighbouring tree. Harry and I sit here, settling in silence as I pop open the tin, grateful to find a joint already rolled. I place it between my lips and light it, inhaling deeply a few times before offering it.

 “I’ve never seen you here,” I mumble through the light cloud Harry exhales before it is blown away by the gentle breeze, revealing him gazing at the ground.

 “Pretty shit friend really,” Harry utters, fiddling with his shoelace to avoid my gaze, “Lucy always invites me, and I bail every time.”

 “What made today so special?” I ask before I can stop myself being so intrusive.

 Harry just shrugs.

 The pair of us sit in silence for a while, passing the dwindling joint between ourselves as the sun flickers across our skin, occasionally finding its way through the shady branches above.

 “I’m sorry if I pushed you into that by the way,” Harry starts, looking at me for the first time since the kitchen. “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

 “It’s okay,” I say softly, desperate for the remorseful look in his eyes to disappear. “We sounded pretty good together anyway.” I offer, my choice to look on the bright side pulling a smile on to his lips.

 “I thought so too,” Harry muses.

 We sit in silence again, but it is more comfortable this time, the two of us relaxing into the gentle wind. Eventually, we lay side by side on the grass, watching clouds drift past happily.

 “That one looks like a tulip,” I smile, pointing to a bulbous cloud.

 “You’re crazy,” Harry laughs, “Looks more like a lollipop.”

 “They’re pretty similar,” I smirk, turning my head to look at him. He does the same, and the warmth he earlier planted in my chest returns, hotter this time.

 “You were the first boy to give me flowers.” I tell him, my voice cautiously quiet, as though someone might overhear on the deserted lawn.

 His voices matches mine when he speaks, equally timid of the situation we’ve gotten ourselves into, “I’d plant you a whole garden.”

 My eyes search his face, desperate to see a crack, to find an excuse not to believe him, but the urgency in his eyes stuns me. I lay trapped on the grassy bed, warm and cosy and terrified of what I might say or do next.

 You’ll fuck it up like you always do.

 My throat parches at the though. All I can do is nod my head, returning it to its original position and begging the sun to dry the welling of my eyes.

 Eventually, I see Harry shift in my peripheral vision, mirroring my exact position and gazing back up to the sky. The heat from the sun begins to burn into my skin as if punishing me for hiding from him.

 “If I told you something would you promise not to hate me?” I ask tentatively. How much could I share before I scare him away?

 “I promise.” I hear Harry say with a breath of a laugh.

 “Okay,” I start, taking a deep breath as my mind tries to settle on a place to begin, spinning a haunting collection of memories like a roulette wheel, before thankfully landing on the lightest. “I don’t know if you saw this, but there was a video of us the night we met… outside Spago?”

 “I saw it.” Harry utters softly, my heart sinking to my stomach.

 If he saw the video, he saw the article. If he saw the article, he must have read the comments. He must have seen how poorly the idea of me in his life went down with his audience.

 “Did it freak you out?”

 “Yeah.” I answer after a moment. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll survive this industry.”

 “I think you’re stronger than you know,” Harry says gently.

 If he only knew.

 “You sound like Lucy,” I force a laugh, trying to change the topic to shift my discomfort as quickly as possible.

 “Maybe we have a point,” Harry teases, I see a smirk slip across his face from the corner of my eye.

 “I wish I wasn’t so scared all the time,” I whisper.

 A moment of silence passes before Harry speaks up, his voice tender as he turns his head to watch me.

 “What would you do if you weren’t scared?”

 Too afraid to meet his gaze, I tell the sky, “I would trust myself. I would let myself feel beautiful and be proud of what I achieve, and the voice in my head would shut up.”

 “I get that,” Harry whispers, and when I turn my head to meet his eyes the fear melts away slightly. “I call my voice Peter and whenever he’s getting in my way I shout: ‘Fuck off, Peter’.”

 The thought brings a smile to my face, and Harry mirrors me once again.

 “Try it,” he encourages.

 “What? Just scream ‘Fuck off’?” I laugh.

 “Yeah. I’ll do it too. Just pick a name,” he smiles, head rolling back as he readies himself to yell.

 The smile on my face lingers as I watch him, biting his bottom lip with excitement as his whole body wriggles in anticipation.

 “Okay,” I grin, matching his position.

 I picture the voice in my head, all the unkind things he has said to me, made me believe about myself. I name him, putting his face to the cruelty and feeling an overwhelming sense of power at the prospect of making him own everything he has put me through.

 You really think this will work?

 In a need for support, comfort, and mainly just because I want to, I slowly slip my hand into Harry’s. I hear him exhale deeply but do not dare look at him or move at all for fear of disturbing the symbiosis of our bodies. When I feel his thumb trace over my own, a warmth settles throughout me, strong and encouraging.

 “FUCK OFF, WILL!” I shout, eyes squeezed tight.

 “FUCK OFF, PETER!” Harry hollers right after me, quickly looking back to me.

 His eyes are hopeful, an excited grin spreading across his face as we lay in the aftermath. The world seems to pause for a second, silenced by our screams, before the breeze continues through the trees and the party continues on.

 “Why ‘Will’?” Harry asks with a chuckle, adrenaline pumping through him.

 The joy drains from me slowly, agonisingly.

 “He—um, he’s my ex,” I try to say quickly, but my heart is pounding, and my teeth start chattering.

 “Oh,” Harry says sympathetically, sitting up to look at me, my hand slipping from his.

 I know he is only being kind, but the tonal shift just twists the knife in deeper. Part of me thought I could keep him a secret. The same part of me that thinks never unpacking the possessions he tainted would keep my new house pure, safe from him.

 “It’s fine.” I shrug, sitting up and picking up the tin that lays between us.

 “We could… talk about it?” Harry offers, looking at me with desperate, hopeful eyes.

 Maybe we could.

 “Okay,” I start tentatively, pausing for a long breath, “We met when I first moved here and he was wonderful, really showed me off, made me feel special you know?”

 Harry nods gently.

 “Everyone loved him,” my gaze drops to the grass tickling my skin, fingers swirling around blades, “No one really believed that things weren’t as perfect as they seemed so I thought I was just taking stuff he said the wrong way because he really cared for me and wanted me to be realistic about what I could achieve.”

 My gaze flits to Harry’s face, held cautiously still as I give him the abridged version of a year-long relationship.

 “I believed him when he said I had to manage my expectations, that the grass was always greener and only 3% of musicians ever make it big. Even when I started doing shows he wasn’t supportive…” I cannot look at him as I continue, fear and doubt climbing up my throat and forcing a lie out of my mouth, “Just kind of fizzled out.”

 Harry is silent. Pensive. For a while, all I hear is the low groan of branches in the wind.

 “Not a good guy.” He muses eventually, his voice soft and low.

 “Yeah,” I chuckle, the sight of a smile on my face causes the same reaction in Harry, “Not great.”

 “OI!” Lucy yells at the top of her lungs, drawing our attention away from each other’s empathetic glances and back to the house. “You got my weed?”

masterlist

[xoruffitup]

TROS (Mis)Characterizations: What Was and What Could Have Been

What started as responding to an anon ask turned into an entire meta... but working out all these thoughts has at least eased a bit of my TROS pain. :’) 

From my perspective, TROS managed to destroy not only the characterizations built so far in the sequel trilogy, but also the entire story built upon these characters (mainly Reylo) as we knew them. While talking to a family member about the movie a few days ago and voicing my grievances with the story, he pointed out how someone could watch TFA and skip to TROS without realizing they’d missed much. That’s mostly true and entirely gutting.

Since I had an ask to talk about how TROS regressed in terms of characterization, I’ll start with the most hurtful of defacements: All of the nuanced vulnerability that made Kylo/Ben our most beloved character. We had absolutely nothing in TROS like the complex masterpiece moments of TLJ. Think back to “You are a monster.” / “Yes I am” – delivered with glowering menace as Kylo stalked closer, simultaneous to the tell of fragmented uncertainty in a quivering bottom lip and chin, all while his eyes remained completely riveted on Rey. Think back to “You’re not alone” – delivered with a wet sheen to his eyes in a soft cracked voice, but with self-loathing still smoldering behind his expression. Until the scene with Han, Kylo was shrunk into an entirely two-dimensional cookie cutter “villain” figure in TROS, seemingly more committed to the dark side and the First Order than he ever was to begin with in TFA. (I say “seemingly” because his true motives and interior dilemmas are frustratingly unclear in the entire first half of the movie. Cue me loathing the mask more than ever.)

Though Kylo seems uncharacteristically committed to the Supreme Leader role in TROS, considering he ended TLJ in a supplicating position fixing regretful eyes up towards Rey, luckily TROS did at least maintain the Force bond. …or at least the concept of it, because in execution the Force bond scenes achieved approximately nothing of what TLJ so uniquely excelled at: Creating a sense of intimacy, understanding, and forbidden tenderness between Rey and Ben. Instead of soft-spoken entreaties and promises across the soft glow of a fire or the dappling light of rain (ugh, remember the way light and shadow literally played out in contrasts across Kylo’s face during “I am a monster”? TLJ is a cinematic wonder, pass it on), we get scenes where the two yell and spit spite at each other. Most frustrating is how absolutely out of touch Kylo’s dialogue is with the Ben who was revealed through previous Force bond scenes. In a regression that makes absolutely no sense after Ben’s big proposal of “It’s time to let old things die: The Jedi, the Sith… I want you to join me” – he literally has the most reductive, bland, and meaningless lines such as “I will find you and turn you to the dark side.” ……..? Kylo has literally never been that boring or straightforward ever, not even since the TFA interrogation scene. He offered to be her teacher, sure, but never on terms that simplistic or blatantly combative to Rey’s will.

What I’ve always passionately loved and defended about Reylo is that Kylo never forced Rey to do anything harmful or against her will. Even pushing her to the painful moment of admitting the truth (or so we FUCKIN’ THOUGHT) about her parentage during the throne room scene did, in the end, help her character come to terms with repressed trauma and move forward in her journey of self-determination. (haha look at me, still stuck in my feminist goggles as if they haven’t been ripped off my head by TROS…) The point is: The TLJ Force bond was never a means of threat. It was never a tool for Kylo to say something as blatantly antagonistic as “I will find you and turn you to the dark side.” (Wow, did a Kindergartener write that? Come the fuck on, JJ.) And I was deeply disappointed to see the Force bond reduced to a tool used only to tell a part of the story unrelated to Reylo; rather than being the means of developing their relationship in and of itself.

This feeds into my overall biggest grievance with how Kylo/Ben was handled in this film. Similar to the Force bond – Ben’s character was reduced to a secondary prop piece who mostly served only as a narrative device in advancing the Rey-Palpatine plotline. Look, I imagined for months ahead of TROS the kind of candid Force bond conversations we might hear. Like “No one (knows me)” / “But I do.” (Where the FUCK did that line go?! Apparently JJ doesn’t know her…) Or perhaps Ben apologizing and opening up to Rey about how unhappy he is in the dark, how alone he feels. Instead…. we got shit like “You’re his granddaughter.” Like how dare they disrespect Academy Award Nominee Adam Driver’s talent like that?

Now, looking past the fact for a moment that the Rey-Palpatine addition is insulting, unoriginal, and sexist; there could have been a very interesting dynamic here. We would have the grandson of Vader and the granddaughter of Palpatine feeling very different pulls to both light and darkness, Force bonded together as they struggle with the weight of these legacies. Kylo, I imagine, was probably partially excited when he learned it, because maybe this means that Rey would understand him fully and perhaps this time, once she learned the truth, she would finally be with him. But nope, we don’t get nearly that much of a look into Kylo’s head. He does say at one point “You can’t go back to her (Leia), just like I can’t,” but the line missed the mark a bit for me because TROS still had Kylo appealing to Rey from the perspective of “Join the dark side as if we’ve done away with all that grey morality complexity we introduced last movie” – rather than from the perspective of “Neither of us should feel alone ever again.”

I’m rather unspeakably bitter that we had no exploration into what Palpatine’s return meant for Ben. I imagine he would have gone a bit wild upon learning that the man who was responsible for his grandfather’s fall was still alive. And the revelation of “I have been every voice you’ve ever heard inside your head”? This was enough to bring Ben Solo stans to tears before we even watched the movie, and yet it was treated completely off-handedly. Ben never even gets his own moment of coming to terms with Palpatine’s return. No “My grandfather killed you – how is this possible?” Nothing like that at all – even though he’s the character who would be most affected by his return in terms of legacy implications. Nope; Ben’s first encounter with Palpatine at the beginning of the movie – the same encounter where we learn Palpatine has apparently been behind all of the dark side grooming, manipulation, and isolation Ben has suffered since he was literally in the womb – quickly veers towards “Kill the girl / She is not who you think she is.” Early warning here that Ben Solo as a character in dire need of resolution is about to be treated with utter apathy by this film.

Here’s where I need to pause for a moment of self-awareness. While arguing with my Dad about this movie (he loved it), he threw at me that he thought I was being anti-feminist because I disliked the ending of Rey being alone. I quickly did my best to disabuse him of the idea that feminism = women being forever alone. This did make me think though about the implications of TROS veering away from the dual protagonist story framework that had been established up to this point; in favor of a narrative with Rey as the single and clear protagonist. The two main reasons I had such a knee-jerk reaction against this shift were A) It left a bad taste in my mouth after Rey ended TLJ emboldened by her acceptance of her past and unremarkable lineage; and B) It upended Reylo as the foundation of the entire story – also which we’d been led to expect. And I’m not just talking TLJ – I’m referencing back to JJ’s own Director’s commentary for TFA where he says “Now back to the story we really care about” when the film goes back to Rey and Kylo’s forest battle; who described Kylo as “a sort of prince,” and insinuated “you get the feeling there’s more going on here” when Kylo decided to spirit off Rey on Takodana. JJ set all the fucking clues here and then apparently forgot about each and every one.

However – am I perhaps not being fair to Rey in my disappointment that she doesn’t end the film in domestic bliss with Ben? Was I expecting something beneath her potential? Can I really say it’s a bad thing that the narrative rearranges itself in this film to focus chiefly on her? 

The reason it all sits so wrong with me is because Rey’s characterization became bastardized for the sake of her solo narrative. Her character was essentially entirely effaced. The emphasis of her journey thus far pointed towards the crafting of one’s own identify; to the fact that might and greatness can reside within anyone, and it is up to that person alone to decide what kind of life to live with such power. Rey’s development at the end of TLJ indicated she’d found freedom from her past, and was now fully embracing the act of forging her own path without any constraints or shadows. But then, this road she’d been paving for herself was abruptly switched in TROS to one already completed and well-traveled, lined with unoriginal identity struggles and a copout for assigning Rey’s instincts of aggression and passion to the hereditary and ungendered “dark side.” This sudden switch stripped away all of Rey’s unique identity struggles, as well as her agency to define her own story.

Confining Rey to such an unoriginal and unfortunate struggle also required that her own goals and desires be changed as well. When faced with a legacy of evildoers, Rey’s story immediately shifts away from being focused on her, and rather to remedying the mistakes of men who came before. Rey’s own story was about a thousand times more interesting when she was in the center of it. As a twitter post I saw a few days ago but now frustratingly can’t find said very aptly: Male viewers found “Rey Skywalker” satisfying because they see a happy ending as being the “best” or the most powerful. Female viewers see a happy ending as being truly seen, understood, and valued for the person one is. (If anyone knows the source, please let me know...)

Rey used to say she wanted to learn “her place in all this.” That doesn’t indicate a thirst for greatness or power; but rather for belonging and connection. She has spent most of her story so far thinking back to her parents, then spent a solid 2 minutes in TROS looking longingly and smiling at the alien babies on Pasaana, which hello motherhood signaling. She has been happiest in moments when she felt valued and connected to those around her.

The idea of having greatness bestowed upon her by some external entity (aka a man) was already examined and rejected in TLJ. (Read: throne room proposal scene.) But in TROS, this act of external determination is thrust onto her regardless of her will. In so doing, her possession of a legacy rewrites and predetermines all of her goals, battles, and the key facets of her identity. She no longer has the freedom to embrace and cherish her found or chosen family; instead, her goal is to rid herself of the “family” that’s been thrust upon her – making what’s now presumably her happy ending of being disconnected from her assigned family the complete opposite from everything her character previously yearned for. Standing alone in a desert with the company of only half-remembered spirits is likely what filled the nightmares of young Rey of Jakku.

This is, of course, why the dual protagonist/Reylo narrative we expected to see in this film was so compelling. While doing none of Rey’s decision-making for her or removing any agency from the formation of her own identity; her force-bonded relationship with Ben offered Rey belonging, understanding, and purpose. Ben was the only character who could understand how debilitating and frightening it was to feel her Force sensitivity come alive and waver between the light and dark; just as he was the only one who could comfort her in that conflict without infringing on her independence. Once we saw dark!Rey in that D23 footage, I think every Reylo imagined scenes where Palpatine begins to sink his control into Rey’s mind and Ben rushes to her side to pull her back towards the light, because he knows all too well what those voices are like inside his head and he’d rather hear them all again than watch Rey suffer it.

From several perspectives, Reylo fighting and defeating Palpatine together is also the only ending that makes sense from a holistic storytelling perspective. (I mean both of them wielding blue sabers against Palpatine and fighting together in tandem – rather than that single crowd-pleaser shot of them hefting their complementary lightsabers together before Ben gets brushed off into a pit…) While Ben is the legacy character, representing all that our beloved original characters fought and suffered for; Rey is the new-generation character, representing a new age and the banishing of old mistakes which continued to perpetuate conflict. Only these representatives of new and old; of royal legacy and self-made upstart; could truly banish all of the harm committed in the galaxy by Palpatine and remedy all the loss and suffering effected throughout the Skywalker line. To have only a single character recently revealed to be related to Palpatine facing him alone (no matter how “badass” that might make said female character seem by superficial standards), rather than a union with the single remaining descendant of the Skywalker line himself is simply unsatisfactory and directionless storytelling. It is Palpatine’s manipulation towards three generations of Skywalkers that was the sole catalyst for all of the warfare, struggle, and conflict we’ve witnessed throughout this entire 9-film series. To not even engage with Ben Solo-Skywalker’s troubled relationship to that heritage and to completely fail in realizing the emotional catharsis and resolution that stood there waiting is nothing short of infuriatingly shortsighted storytelling. J.J. claimed in several interviews that this film was crafted with the entire preceding story in mind, as a cap to everything that came before. I have absolutely no idea which story he was referring to.

And so, from the perspectives of this film alone, the sequel trilogy, and the entire 9-film saga as a whole – Yes, I do claim that it was a poor decision in terms of story telling and character integrity to reconfigure the narrative to focus solely on Rey. For the reasons just mentioned, it was an utter disservice to Rey’s character arc. To reduce all of the tragedy, charisma, and youthful potential in Kylo/Ben’s character to a secondary narrative device is nothing short of shameful. Not to mention wasting all of Adam’s potential for playing truly heart-wrenching scenes of Ben’s penitent soul-searching. I will never forgive the fact that Ben had literally not a word of dialogue after his quick conversion scene halfway through the movie. Not only does he play no major role in the final battle with Palpatine, but aside from charging in heroically and doing a phenomenal Solo Shrug, he isn’t allowed a single moment of interiority. He has no speech to Palpatine declaring his change of heart and his reclaimed heritage. Perhaps most painful of all – he and Rey never even have their Big Talk where we expected Ben to apologize for the doings of Kylo Ren and for both of them to affirm their desire to be together and their devotion to each other. Adam did a pretty amazing job demonstrating all that in how he cradled Rey’s body and couldn’t even bear to look into her lifeless face (RIP my heart). But no matter how phenomenal and tender the Reylo kiss was, how luminous Rey’s smile was when she said “Ben,” and how achingly loving his eyes were when he looked at her – I can’t help feeling crushingly cheated that their love itself wasn’t what enabled the victory. Rather than the strength they lent to each other through a union that defied light-dark dichotomy (as it should have been and as the story was previously leading towards), it was rather Rey’s miracle heritage that won the day. The fact that Ben never says a damn word when he stands before Palpatine, or when Rey kisses him and he finally realizes she does care for him too – makes both their bond and Ben’s entire character feel like a throw-away prop only there for Rey to wear so long as this feeble story needed it.

I’ve been trying to put my finger on what made TROS’ plot so underwhelming and lifeless compared to TLJ or even TFA. The difference between TLJ and TROS in the simplest terms is that TLJ’s narrative was character-driven, whereas TROS subjected its characters to a narrative. Rather than a huge space battle, TLJ’s biggest moments are Rey and Kylo’s throne room proposal and Kylo and Luke’s showdown on Crait. Both of these moments had huge emotional stakes for the characters involved, which was what made them epic. TROS’ narrative, meanwhile, uses twists like the Rey Palpatine reveal to manipulate its characters in inorganic directions, and builds towards a finale that is unrelated to any of the long-standing challenges our heroes have confronted throughout the story. TROS derided its characters down to mere tools for a superficial spectacle of a story. TLJ, on the other hand, made its characters the story. It’s no wonder I found myself strangely numb and disconnected the first time I saw TROS.

Now, I’m just angry and disappointed. Disappointed that such brilliant, wonderful characters were wasted. Angry that we’ve imagined a hundred endings more appropriate and fair to the characters we hold dear. I am trying to appreciate what I can from the film and hold on to the few beautiful moments, but I definitely plan on writing my own fic version of how TROS might have played out, had it upheld the complexity and integrity of its characters. Even still, I’m quite sure we all know and understand Ben Solo much better than J.J. or Chris Terrio, so in our hearts Ben will find the happy ending he deserves.

[donotexterminateupgradepudding]

Lucifer Morningstar is an introvert.  A very awkward and unusual introvert.

In an attempt to not create a bunch of random side-blogs, I’m just going to drop this here.  Sorry Doctor Who/Torchwood fans.

With the whole covid-19 thing, I’ve been trapped at home more than I had anticipated recently and I was looking for something a bit more fun and frivolous to watch so I finally gave Lucifer a go.

I honestly don’t know why it took me so long to get to this, my brother had watched it when it was on tv and had mentioned it in passing several times.  Suffice to say, once I finally gave into Netflix, I found it to be quite an enjoyable watch.

What really struck me in the serious is how it becomes obvious that Lucifer is an introverted character who is hurt.  Wait - what you are thinking?  He’s an introvert?  Oh man, he’s totally a huge introvert.

Let me walk you through why he’s clearly an introvert despite a quick glance at his outward actions.

1.) Hiding in plain sight. 

An interesting aspect to his personality is how he hides in plain sight.  When he moves to LA, he rents the building that houses Lux and his penthouse suite.  Lux is a place where he is surrounded by people, if he wants to partake in revelry all he needs to do is go downstairs and party with people in the club.  However, he can also retreat to his place easily which is surprisingly well stocked with books and another piano for him to play in private.  I doubt all of his books are for show, he frequently denies thinking deeply about things, but he always seems to be one step ahead of others which has always implied to me he plays the “I’m smarter than I look/act” card.  Early on in the show, he occasionally invited people up to his place to party but it wasn’t a common experience.  Think of the pizza delivery guy being invited to stay and party.

Despite his love of drinking, drug use and sex, he makes it quite clear that drinking and drug use rarely have an effect on him for long.  He is rarely hung over or wasted since his metabolism clears the alcohol too quickly for him to feel it and on multiple occasions he states he mainly drinks as he likes the taste.  One of the few times he was high was after he smoked a massive amount of pot at the teenage delinquent recovery farm as indicated by him sitting at the detective’s desk eating potato chips and dipping them in nutella realizing it was an amazing flavor combination.  For him, drugs seem to simply be something that is fun and a way to amuse himself and based on his drinking, it is mainly a way to meet and socialize with people.

As far as the sex, it is clear that he uses his casual hook-ups as a fun distraction.  To avoid any possible intimacy with others, he hides behind the fact that sex is a pleasurable act and by keeping his sex life 100% casual, no person in his or her right mind would even consider dating him.  He has made himself impossible to be seen as possible long term boyfriend in a steady relationship.  He likely struggles with his own angelic power to pull out people’s desires and his ability to seduce them.  Since his default is to have people literally throw themselves at him, he likely sees most of them acting in response to his powers and necessarily to him as a person.  As he wants people to follow their desires and free-will (as he simply removed the inhibitions that were present and did not create them) he gladly indulges them as well as himself.  If I were him, I’d be like “well why not?” an attractive person wants to sleep with me, sure do it, no harm, no foul.

I found it most telling based on how sensitive he is to his sexual reputation as well as his ability to meet his current sexual partner’s needs.  First off, when a random kid pretended to be him, he was incredibly upset that his imposter lacked his skills.  He’s Lucifer Morningstar, he has skills and a reputation associated with them.  Secondly, when the detective decided to interview his previous partners for the past 8 weeks (all 92 of them) two things were very obvious i.) he went to great lengths to make sure no matter what he did, that person had the most amazing sex of his or her life ii.) not a single person he slept with saw it as anything more than an amazing night of no strings attracted sex.  His actions did not inspire them to want more of a relationship from him.  How his facial expression become quite sad as all 92 of them stated it was just empty sex showed how alone he is. Another unusual trait is that he has been the most sexually responsible angel ever.  Granted, the vast majority of angels were never going to have sex in the first place, yet he has a much more responsible track record than Amenadiel.  It is clear that he has had sex with thousands upon thousands of humans over the years and he never once resulted in a human-angel pregnancy.  This may also be linked to the fact that Amenadiel by default, desires a ‘normal’ regular relationship while Lucifer has been avoiding having a “normal” relationship.  It would imply that if he found someone to have a kid with, he would be in a “normal” long term relationship with that person.

Overall, his first career on earth was to make sure he had an establishment that represented what he felt others perceived as his core personality, that as the devil, he would have to surround himself by partying and temptations.  Owning Lux is a way for him to keep up appearances and maintain his public persona as well as his persona that is seen by celestial beings.  Lucifer is a classic example of a character who is totally alone in a crowd.

2.) Few close friends

Another true introvert trait is to have a small tight knit group of friends.  Lucifer fits to this exactly.  He has excellent social skills, and again due to his former job and his nature, yet does many actions by smooth, polite and calculated actions - from a distance.  His job of granting favors is based on how he knows someone, who knows someone, forming a vast network he has to draw upon to make sure that the favors work out the way the person would like them to.  He doesn’t do the favors though because he cares for the person, more than he seems to do it to pass the time until he finds a job with more meaning.

It is starting his second job as a civilian consultant for the LAPD that his preference and need for a small friend group becomes obvious.  The most obvious one is his relationship with Chloe. 

Chloe Decker: He is first intrigued at why his powers do not work on her, his immediate physical attraction to her as well as seeing her as a kindred spirit also drew him to her. She is the outcast of the department and he knows all too well what it feels like to be the literal outcast.  As a result of their common situation and the fact he can’t sway her, the two of them can speak openly and honestly.  Granted, the biggest issue with his relationship with Chloe is the fact that she denies the obvious truth that he tells her even though she has seen enough evidence that he likely is not some random British guy living in LA running a high end nightclub.

As their relationship deepens he begins to find comfort in the fact that despite his inability to influence her, she still appreciates his company and values him as a friend and a work partner.  Even though he panics and holds her miracle status against her at first, he comes to realize she can’t be held responsible for something she has no control of and is unaware of.  Linda time and time again tries to get him to realize that he keeps her away due to his absolute fear that she would reject him.  Since she’s the only person who could accept him as is, it means her acceptance of him is the biggest risk to his own heart in regards to her. 

In part, his complicated relationship is tied to his fear that she would reject him, so him loving and caring for a single person as he does for her is too risky.  He’s a seriously hurt dude, he’s terrified of being hurt anymore by someone he cares for.  Chloe really takes a long time to realize how deeply he is hurt.  I get that she’s his opposite but I do felt out of all of the characters, she got short end of the stick in regards to character development.  Everyone else has had major changes and realizations yet she only sort of struggled with Lucifer’s identity in the first half of season 4 and she was off her “mark” when she was a bit preachy with him.  Thankfully, she stopped that bit and realized that he more needed her to listen to him and to support him.  It really got that concept that sometimes you need to just be there for someone and not try to fix it - since Chloe is a fixer. 

Mazikeen:  She is his right-hand woman.  The only demon to leave hell to follow him to earth, she first acted as his personal assistant, running the day to day operations of Lux and also working as a bartender.  Despite all of their conflicts, they care deeply for each other and have each other’s back.

The hardest part of growth in their relationship is when it went from master-servant/boss-assistant to more that of peers.  Even as he began to change in how he worked with humans, he keep their relationship as their default from hell.  He really hurt her feelings since she developed feelings and both of them are terrible at expressing them to others.  They have a relationship and work dynamic that they had for thousands and thousands of years - it is pretty impressive that they are learning and growing in a relatively short time period to respect each other and mature.

I found the most emotionally moving parts between them to be in season 3 when Chloe begins to get involved with Cain/Pierce and he expresses his worry that at least he has her and she’ll never leave him.  Maze interprets this as him being selfish and treating her as his number 2.  She lashes out at him and all he does is look back at her in return is hurt as he almost quivers.  Since she was his right hand woman in hell, she is the person with whom he has had the longest and most trusting relationship with since being cast into hell.  Did he phrase things in a way that helped in the situation - no.  But was he telling her his honest feelings that he really does feel like she is someone who is always there for him and supports him - yes.   When she goes behind his back to work with Cain/Pierce, he’s hurt and feels betrayed.  Sure, some of it is karmic payback for the times he’s hurt her, but after his failed experiment with Abel, he has every right to not just pop willy-nilly between earth and hell.

I have the vibe that they will eventually settle into a sibling like relationship treating each other the same way he interacts with his angel siblings like Amenadiel and Azrael.

Ella Lopez: So far Ella has been the only human friend that he has worked with with whom he hasn’t used his angelic charms on.  He was uncomfortable around her at first; she’s religious, she’s outwardly friendly and very much into giving hugs.  Ella “wastes” her time on what he would see as pointless pleasantries in the office.  Yes, Lucifer will lay on the pleasantries, but his always have a purpose - Ella’s are just her being nice.  He did like her opinion that the devil got a bad rap, but then she kept thinking he was a method actor in addition to being a nightclub owner.

Despite their obvious differences the two of them are both very straightforward people who have a strong sense of personal justice and are dedicated to solving the crimes.  He quickly begins to joke around with her and with her four older brothers, she finds no issue with dealing with his antics - it is more like par for the course. 

The fact that Azrael also couldn’t help but become friends with her seems to indicate she has some sort of personality that celestial beings really like, especially those who have the shittier jobs e.g. Lucifer running hell and punishing and Azrael being the angel of death dealing with, well, death.  The fact that she made sure Ella would become friends with Lucifer was really sweet and even though he was at first upset since he doesn’t like people trying to manipulate with him, he realized that Azrael’s action was in right place. She got her favorite brother and favorite human to become friends since she knew they would get along even if she couldn’t be with them - you know, having the whole angel of death as her day job.

His love of Ella as a friend though came out when her older brother Jay was in town and mixed up in the illegal diamond cleaning.  Yes, he brought his own feelings with his older brother into the mix, but he was correct.  Jay is not the absolutely perfect brother, he was involved in shady stuff.  I think when he confronted Jay was one of the best scenes in regards to him standing up for and protecting his friends.  He made it very clear that if Jay ever hurt Ella again he’d be in trouble as he knew how important it was to her to continue to see her brother in her own most positive light.

I really get the vibe that they feed off of each other being goofballs - Ella was a nerd and picked on as kid and had a lot of issues to deal with.  He’s the cast out son, they are both outcasts on the rebound and they like to have fun with each other.  This really comes to a head in season 4 when Lucifer, Chloe and Ella go to the nudist colony.   Chloe is a complete stick in the mud and by the time she turns around the two of them are naked and ready to go.  As adults on their own and away from their family and their former “teenage” issues they finally get to be who they want to be and I just think their dynamic duo antics are adorable.  She is the friend that will do silly things with him while Chloe remains too, well stoic. When Ella has her crisis of faith, Lucifer doesn’t fan the flames instead, he’s confused how to react so he doesn’t tell her what to think.

Trixie:   She immediately loved Lucifer from the moment she met him.  He is incredibly awkward with her.  He’s not sure to do with her little kid hugs, he tries to not hold her hand when they investigate the elite private school.  Yet, no matter how frequently he calls her a little urchin and doesn’t understand why she likes him, she grows on him.

I personally loved her bedroom sign in the first season - “Trixie’s room - no boys allowed - except for Lucifer.”

Trixie is a classic example of kid radar seeing people for who they are; she accepts Lucifer and Maze with no judgement, she just sees them as these rad adults whom she can play with. 

I really liked when he tried to buy her the new doll since she destroyed her old one - in a way he respected her kid logic - did it teach her a lesson - no.  But it was a logical extension as a means to an end.  He came from a background of illogical parenting so to speak.  He dealt with rules that didn’t always make sense it is clear he spent too much time pondering them thus leading to his current situation.

Does he like other children still? Not really, he still didn’t know what to do when he touched a kid’s head with a little pat as his backyard picnic with Cain as he wiped his hand on his sweater.   Yet, since he has gotten to know Trixie through his interactions with her it is clear that he likes her.

Dr. Linda Martin: Dr. Martin is my fav female character on the entire show as she is a compassionate, caring and intelligent individual and a secret badass.  Her relationship with Lucifer started how all of his interactions with people who desire him do - with her wanting to sleep with him.  Over time, she realizes that she can’t and shouldn’t be sleeping with him and he also begins to realize that he can work with her without having to pay her with his body and pay her the normal way - with money.  He learns to treat himself with more respect and not just give away himself to her.  Showing a bit of a shift in how he sees himself with those he actually knows.

I think she really was his first example of how to have a normal human transaction with well, a human.  She is incredibly patient with him and even when he reveals his true self to her, she is able to accept him with a little nudge from Maze.  Despite being overwhelmed due to his families odd demands on her and almost killed by his very upset and stressed out mother, she protects him as a client and as a friend. 

Sure, he always interprets her advice in interesting ways and she knows him well enough to realize that he avoids things and is in denial but she always still cares for him.  He also does frequently figure out what she wants him to realize - he just likes to make it more difficult for himself.  I wonder if the more that they got to know each other, his ability to influence her waned as she saw him as more than a playboy and he saw her as a doctor who could help him and later as a good and trusted friend.

Most importantly, she never gives up on him and truly believes in him despite all of his detours and distractions.  When he has his identity crisis in season 4, she is the first person he shows his devil wings to.  This comes from a place of deep trust in her and even though she can’t help him, she is there for him as a friend. 

I don’t think he’d ever admit it to her directly, but Lucifer likely understands that Linda’s friendship with Maze has helped Maze grow as a person - er demon - and her advice has helped him in how he interacts with her learning how to change his relationship with her from boss-assistant to more that of peers and friends.

Dan Espinoza: Oh yes, despite all of their stupid male ego headbutting, Lucifer is friends with Dan and he does care for the man.  When they first met, Dan was definitely a being a bit of a dick to Chloe; mainly by keeping his own secrets to protect her even though it drove her nuts.  If anything bothers Lucifer more it is people lying and hiding things from him.  Lucifer is almost pathological with telling the truth and not lying; and well Dan was not the most honest at the beginning.

So of course, he received full on Lucifer hazing; once the police admin punished him by demoting him for messing with evidence he slowly became more sympathetic to Dan.  He did use his skills to get Dan to admit that he wanted to correct his mistakes and when Dan started to lose it with Azrael’s blade, he saw that Dan was a stronger and more complicated man than he wanted him to be.  If Dan were a simple man, driven by simple desires and actions, Lucifer could write him off.  But Dan isn’t, his biggest change is when he realized he needed to stop calling him Detective Douche and actually call him Dan, in part due to Dan standing up to his teasing.  

Was it right for Lucifer to keep up his petty antics for so long?  Likely not, but Lucifer learned that some of Dan’s actions and personality traits are actually good things and his day shadowing Dan was annoying for poor Dan, but at least allowed him to realize that not everyone is the same.

Lucifer also has been more honest about his feelings in front of Dan than many others - when they went to get a favor from the Russian mob boss, he freely admitted his own hatred for himself and how he hurts everyone he cares about. If he said that in front of Chloe or Ella, both of them would rush to tell him it isn’t true and he’s being too hard on himself.  Instead, Dan kept his distance and realized that both of them think the grass is greener on their side of the fence.  Lucifer is secretly jealous of Dan’s more simple approach to things and Dan thinks Lucifer truly is careless and wishes he could be a flippant as he appears to be.

Dan really is a reminder how how Lucifer is unable to open up to others and make himself more vulnerable.  Unfortunately, this results in Dan frequently getting hurt and he makes epic bad decisions in season 4 out of grief over Charlotte’s death, blaming Lucifer for all of his pain.  But no matter what happens, it is clear that Lucifer would not wish for bad things to happen to Dan as he is a good guy and a capable detective.

Is their friendship a perfect one?  Far from it, but both of them really do try to care and support the other guy as long as they aren’t pissed off at each other.  It likely doesn’t help that Lucifer’s friendship with Dan is pretty much his only one with a normal human guy.  He’s got plenty of angelic brothers and Cain really isn’t normal by a long shot so it makes Dan even more important to have him in his circle of close friends.  As a 100% totally normal dude, Dan acts frequently as the ‘in’ to understanding (or really lack of understanding) what is happening.

Eve:  I just finished re-watching season 4.  I’m still not sure where I’d place Eve in all of this.  She’s only in season 4 so far and based on her actions, I’m not sure I’d call her one of his close friends. If anything she was pretty much an impediment to all of his relationships - albeit maybe not quite on purpose . . .  she’s a woman who still hasn’t figured out who she is despite realizing she needs to not define herself in the context of a relationship. 

Sorry for not having more thoughts on this, I need to ponder it more. 

What I will say is that their relationship issues stem from the fact that he is an introvert and she’s an extrovert.  He realized that Eve was a “bad” influence on him and he struggled to express his feelings to her.  The fact that it takes him shouting out at her that he “doesn’t like who he is when he’s with her” was painfully difficult for him to say.  It is clear that he cares about her deeply and he wants her to be happy.  Yet, he can’t and really doesn’t want to deliver on her actions or feelings.  The worst part is that it tears him up inside since in a way he saw her as a possible long term partner which was a big deal for him.

3.) Works either alone or in small groups. 

When it comes to his role with the LAPD, Lucifer’s modes of action are not that of a typical extrovert.  He is either working closely with his partner Chloe, or occasionally with Ella or Dan.  He is never part of a large group nor is he taking a typical leadership role.  Due to his need to protect others and his need to get answers as quickly and directly as possible, he frequently goes off on his own.  In part, this is so that he can take full advantage of his angelic powers and immortality, but also to protect those he cares about.  Sure, he walks into a Korean gang headquarters and tells them to come out, but he doesn’t try to chit chat or smooth things over with them.  He goes in, finds the head boss and pretty much strikes a deal with him that he can’t refuse.  When he wants an answer his methods are far too direct.  Find suspect/target/person and just question them or threaten them and then question them.  There is no charming and social games.  He can’t be bothered with banal pleasantries when he wants to know something.  If Lucifer were a true extrovert he would want to talk to others and feed off of the energy he gets from being with them - yet - he never has shown this.  He sees getting information as a task he needs to complete as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Even though he is hurt when Chloe and Cain become closer and begin to hang out or work cases without him, he still shows up and does work to help out with cases.  He also is good at working by himself and is able to work things out when he applies himself.

He also has an excellent sense of intuition when reading people.  Of course, one of the major aspects of the show is that he projects his own issues onto others.  This leads him off of what they are doing sometimes, so his read isn’t quite right.  But he is perceptive when he sees odd behaviors and is able to connect things without full information.  This is both what he did with Ella’s brother Jay and more importantly with Pierce/Cain.  He invites him for a drink and then stabs him with the knife.  He looks incredibly nervous after he kills him as he can’t kill a human as an angel - he keeps switching between trying to be calm and have a drink while he waits for him to wake up with a nervous sweat.  Did he know for sure Pierce was Cain?  No, hence the nervousness until his intuition was proven correct was his true feelings on his gamble.

Furthermore, when he does work with Chloe or others, he always has their back and will go to any length to work with them.  This to me indicates that he finds working with a select few people with whom he can trust is how he is most comfortable and he doesn’t need to be the center of attention and the one in charge like how he was in charge of hell. It is clear that by the end of season 4 even though he returned to hell it wasn’t because he enjoyed to or wanted to - it was because he had to protect everyone he cared about.  He also has a natural chemistry and ease working with Chloe where even in tough situations they instinctively know what to do and how to act.

4.) He expresses himself through actions. 

Lucifer is an incredibly hurt individual.  He was punished by having to take a job that he didn’t even want or even desire and most of his family abandoned him.  He’s terrified to open up and show his true feelings and pain to others as they would take advantage of it as a weakness to hurt him further. Honestly, I think he still doesn’t quite understand how his actions landed him in hell.  He was questioning the establishment and it is clear he thinks deeply about rules and how they influence others.  Anything he thinks is illogical he ignores as he can’t be bothered to care to follow those rules and conventions.  I think about how he made Chloe rethink the “swear jar” for Trixie - he pointed out rules without a clear basis don’t make sense.

Since he struggles to express his feelings in a way to help others. e.g. mainly in his denial/fear to tell Chloe he truth does two things; i.) he makes it about him or ii.) he tries to demonstrate through his actions.

The making it about him method, is a subtle way where he wants to know how to solve his own problem to help him understand or interact with others.  But since he doesn’t want to say for example “I need to figure out how Cain can die since I promised him and I am true to my word.” he instead hides behind the idea of “I need to find the author’s killer so I can read how she got over her writers block.”  By extension, since the manuscript is an instruction guide, he thinks he’ll learn something so that he can follow through on his promise.  It is a very obtuse way to act, but since he hides behind his narcissistic facade no one will understand he’s not doing it for himself.

As far as his actions, he really shows it when he reorganizes Chloe’s desk; he realizes that she deals with all the paperwork and since she is capable she gets even more paperwork piled on to her workload.  He cleans up her mess and anal retentively arranges her pencils and makes sure the right angles on the files are all lined up.  He also found a method of filing that makes more sense to him and it inadvertently helps her find the missing piece of evidence for their most recent case.  I liked how he color coded everything.  Did he need to add the picture of him in his underwear as her backdrop?  Hell no, but he figures out that since she likes him, what’s wrong with her seeing a part of him that she likely will never see.

This also gets him into trouble; again, buying the doll for Trixie, trying to out perform Cain in gifts for Chloe and always seeing things as a competition.  He wants to give people physical proof of his care for people without actually saying it.  Specifically he wants to express his care through a tangible amount of some sort of physical object.

5.) He hides behind his narcissistic behaviors. 

As Lucifer struggles to come to terms with himself and expressing his feelings he has hid behind his narcissism.  What is a great way to keep people away from you and keeping your distance from them?  Being completely self-absorbed with yourself that no one would ever want to be friends with you.  His narcissism is a HUGE turnoff for the vast majority of the population.

It is so clear that he wants to develop close relationships but he’s so afraid of hurting others and even more so hurting himself. He’s hid behind his hedonistic behaviors and his self-absorbed actions for thousands of years.  He really is a very particular person; he is constantly adjusting his sleeves under his suit coat, his shoes are always perfect, he moisturizes and his hair is styled elegantly.  He likes things arranged elegantly and it shows how important control is to him.  If he is 100% in control of everything, again he’s protected from being hurt.

As he works at the LAPD and forms his important friendships, his appearance changes.  In the first season, he wears black or dark grey suits, his shirts are white, black, dark purple, dark blue and grey, if I recall correctly.  He keeps his look simple and professional, almost cold.  His matching pocket squares are also basic and mainly a single solid color with few patterns.

Yet overtime, he becomes more adventurous in his appearance, he starts wearing more light blue shirts, he begins to add in more color with burgundy, forest green, and even a caramel colored suit.  His pocket squares become more interesting with patterns and more color combinations.  With the increase in color and variety he appears much more approachable and has more of an air of friendliness even though he still only cares for his small group of friends.

A case that was a real struggle for him was with the online dating app for “fabulous” people - Top Meet.  He wanted to continue to judge people based on superficial appearances, as it has been his own wall and it has served him well.  When they ultimately confront the killer, his own knowledge of nature and narcissists allows him to save the day by tossing the head sculpture at him and the detective can apprehend him.

His car serves as both another front and also shows how he longs for few intimate friendships or relationships.  He’s got that lovely little Corvette and it is a two-seater.  He doesn’t drive a giant, flashy car that can fit lots of people.  Instead, he has a small almost cute (I personally think it is cute) car that only another person can sit in.  He only wants to ride with one person at a time as he values his close relationships.  Yet, having a car that only can fit one other passenger shows a part of his narcissistic front - that only a person who he’d see as worthy would be able to ride with him.

Overall, by looking at how Lucifer chose to have a job on earth in a nightclub where he could simply hide was the first indication he’s an introverted character.  The longer he has been in LA, the more close friendships he has formed and they are very important to him as well as his oldest friendship with Maze.  When he realized that Maze was attracted to Eve, he noticed it, but hasn’t made mention of it yet (likely that will happen in season 5).  The fact that he noticed it meant he really has stopped seeing her as his right hand woman and more just as an individual with feelings.  His close friendships really show that he’s an introvert not an extrovert.  It is obvious that he gains meaning and connection from these close relationships in a way he never experienced before.  His preference for working either alone or in a small team also shows that he is much more comfortable as well as his preference to express himself through actions as opposed to using words since that is much harder and more uncomfortable.  Lastly, by hiding himself from all others behind a self-absorbed image he has been able to keep others away from him for thousands of years.

The major point about his character growth is learning that having a small support group of real friends and family he can find what he’s been looking for.  A place to belong and be accepted.

[vaguely-concerned]

Some more mass effect andromeda thinky thoughts as I run around heleus getting some achievements! 

- the murderous angaran ai is genuinely so fucking funny. “How are you feeling here on Aya?” “I hope you die” “Is there anything we could do to make you more comfortable?” “BURY THIS PLANET UNDER FIRE AND ASH” “o.oookay. Goodbye then.” “I HATE you.”

- I hope I never become irresistibly moved to write mass effect andromeda fic b/c there really is no other description for a good 70% of the expressions reyes makes than :> and how could one capture that in words

- as mentioned I’ve been doing a bit of achievement hunting and in the process I’ve been switching up a lot of gameplay stuff from how I handled it the first few times around and let me tell you it’s baller as fuuuuuuuuuck -- it just looks so awesome and is so satisfying between the maneuverability of the jetpack and biotic charge and the effects. special shoutout to what happens if you biotic charge a frozen victim enemy and the biotic pull/push combination. (throwing people around like ragdolls is actually so much fun I’ve kept doing it even after I unlocked the achievement lol)

- lol lol when you get meridian online there’s the montage of every planet coming back to life, right? well the one on kadara is from inside kralla’s song, with umi looking out at everything that’s happening. and all I can imagine is her jaded-ass voice going ‘what the fUCK did that asshole kid do now I only just cleaned up after the bar brawl he started with his krogan grandpa and now he’s rearranging the entire fucking planet right from under us goddess I need a drink’ 

- the implication that reyes ‘cards so close to my chest you won’t even know I’m playing’ vidal just does not shut up about how amazing ryder is to anyone who’ll listen gives me so much life. when you try to be mysterious and laidback but the human pathfinder is so fucking cute tho Y____Y (also go watch his scenes if you’re being standoffish with him the entire time -- he clearly wants ryder to like him so much right from the beginning, he’s doing so much work to no avail and I feel sort of bad for how funny I find it haha. interesting that it really does seem to be an emotional thing as well as y’know the practical/tactical benefits of having the pathfinder on his side. methinks the charlatan might be a bit lonely there behind all his masks lol) 

I think this is why I’m willing to give him some benefit of the doubt too, despite all the cloak and dagger stuff -- he’s so immediately drawn to ryder, who you can never make a bad person, really. something in him must respond to that, if potentially only in the ‘attracted to traits I do not possess myself’ way hahaha

- I love sam. so so much. some of the open world implementation is still grating (yes sam. yes I know I can mine this area for resources through my mining interface. we’ve been doing this for a hundred hours sam. you’ve been right here with me the entire time sam. please sam), but he’s SUCH a good and I’d argue underutilized concept (emotionally at least) and the best boy. the fact that he can get SARCASTIC on you fsdhfjsadh he’s growing and learning! he’s doing so from inside your brain which is kind of unsettling but also SO COOL! there’s something about that level of intimacy, of always knowing there will be someone there with you in your head that is super interesting and deserves to be examined more fully -- both how it could be comforting and how it’s  r e a l l y  not how people or ai are generally designed to work lol. 

he also gives us a unique link with our dad and I wonder if the writers would have explored that in more depth if there’d been more development time -- it practically SCREAMS out an invitation to get to play/see things from alec’s POV in short bursts, like the memories you unlock except you could go through playing it as him since sam is common to both of us. (see my ‘our dad comes back through either kett or remnant nonsense in the sequel and we need to find some way to connect with him’ idea. it would be. amazing. listen alec already looked at the ethical guidelines involved in creating ai and went ‘huh interesting ideas but not for me thanks!’, don’t tell me he wouldn’t have left some loophole in so this could happen)  

- reyes literally says ‘the cavalry’s here’ when we get to meridian and I for one love him more than words can express (he also asks us if we’re okay in sort of a sweet/worried way right before we get to the control room. aw buddy) 

- like we don’t think of them like that because we’re in control of them and see all the stumbles and awkwardness and how young they are all the time, but damn the ryder twins must look like something else to everyone in andromeda haha. they literally stride around like demigods restoring entire planets. on voeld spring non-metaphorically follows in their footsteps. shit dude if we’re talking realpolitik here the angara must feel  p r e t t y nervous about this -- there’s no one saying they can’t turn off the vaults as easily as they turned them on. I hope we get them somehow teaching the angara how to do it too, on a smaller scale at least, as a show of good faith or something in a sequel, because that power imbalance is disconcerting  

- I’m glad sam and I have such similar priorities whenever we’re on kadara. ‘maybe mr vidal would know. perhaps we should ask mr vidal about this. mr vidal said something relating to this pathfinder maybe we should speak to him’ . yeah sam i know the feeling, same (it does undeniably read as sam having a bit of a crush which is. hilarious?) 

- the fact that alec ryder thought ellen responded to his bad boy act in any way when what really charmed her was that he was a great big nerd <3 it’s kind of nice to see a fictional marriage that seems to have just been. nice and stable and chill? just two intellectual equals who like and respect each other very much and not a lot of drama until alec went full alec and started developing rogue ai instead of watching his wife die lol. again I would love for the sequel to involve ellen finally waking up and being like ‘death? trying to claim MY husband? I do not think so, I can die he can’t he’s not leaving me behind’ and helping out and you realize that the reason they were soulmates was that under the relatively rational and unemotional surface they’re both, at heart, batshit crazy mad scientists who are insanely devoted to each other. imagine it tho! the people of andromeda realize alec ryder is back from the dead somehow and doing some Shit out there, they put a ton of resources into curing ellen’s disease because their best shot is something to do with the implants she made, hey presto we’ve got all ryders on the board and in play. 

- just want to make it clear that I’m still sad about avitus rix and hope he’s having a good day

- do you think ryder ever asks sam to read something to him ‘aloud’ in his head if he’s anxious and can’t sleep. or just to talk at him about something boring until he nods off. again the possibilities inherent in the concept!!! he has someone who’s closer to him than any other person could be, what’s that like? 

- *me sticking to my sidewinder pistol the whole playthrough even though it’s laughably inefficient* I just wanna feel like a cowboy bioware please work with me here

- the male ryder voice actor has such amazing comedic timing, there’s a lot of reaction stuff out in the field he absolutely nails. I enjoy the female voice too and I like how much emotion she manages to convey towards the end of the game especially, but there’s a casual comedy in male ryder’s voice that can’t be beat. (well, it’s not hawke levels, but then nothing ever is, that’s too much to ask)

- I love vorn and kesh so much. nerd krogans unite & make out

- I still want to sit peebee down and have a long serious talk with her about emotional abuse, maybe give her a hug :( fuck kalinda 

- this game does not get enough credit for how stunningly beautiful it is, it all got buried under criticism about the animations and it’s a fucking shame. the last few vaults you go through are just mindboggling in scale and visual uh striking-ness. it makes me so sad to think there won’t be any more of it D: 

- I really like this mainly casual + logical dialogue options ryder I’ve found; it makes him sound like a younger and more irreverent version of his father, but also softer and less closed off and much more willing to show affection for his family especially. 

- i wonder if different people’s individual SAMs will take on a certain tone/unique pattern when they’ve coexisted long enough. have I mentioned. how much I want a sequel to this game 

- one last reyes note because don’t look at me okay -- I wonder how much we’re meant to read into ‘being honorable never got me anywhere’. on the one hand I’m fully prepared to believe he’s never even tried doing anything the honorable way in his entire life lol but on the other there’s also some interesting potential in the interplay of that sentence and ‘to be someone’. (there seems to be a deep fear in him both of powerlessness and of being truly seen/recognized -- he equates secrecy with safety pretty explicitly -- which seems... telling? of what I don’t know but telling all the same hahaha) like he might be saying he’s tried doing things the ‘right’ way and it didn’t work and the price was too high, so he just went for this instead with the ends low-key justifying the means. hmmm. :Ia (this is what happens when I get Attached to a character with like an hour of screentime my friends, and I’m already primed to give my entire heart away at the sound of nicholas boulton’s voice)

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: Rumor Has It {8}

Chris Evans x Famous Reader Uriah “Riah” Tyler

Warning: Plot, Cursing, Angst, Grief, Talk of miscarriage, Potential miscarriage trauma trigger

Word Count: 4.5K

Summary: You and Chris have been married for four years after a whirlwind romance. You are both happy and trying to navigate marriage in the public eye while balancing your successful careers. In the entertainment industry, not everything is as it seems, the flash of a camera lens impairs vision. As scandal and flashing lights put a strain on your once fairytale marriage is it possible your Hollywood marriage can stand the test of the rumor mill?

**Inspired by a video seen of Chris and his co-star Ana De Armas on their press tour for Knives Out at TIFF where she kept touching his chest and face standing about five inches apart.

**Loosley Edited/Proofread**

**Interactive**

Thank you guys for reading!!!! If you enjoyed this please LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG. 😊 ❤️  ❤️

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-Four and a Half Weeks Later-

  “Okay, Chris, Uriah, welcome back. How are things going?” The therapist Dr. Danquah sat across from both of you in her blue high-backed armchair with a pleasant smile on her face looking over to the two of you on the yellow couch.

  She pushed her hair to the side with one hand and readjusted the clipboard in her hands. “Good, things are—,” Chris began then looked to you for confirmation. You gave a smile and a nod as reassurance. “Good,” you finished.

  It wasn’t a lie. It had been a good four weeks. After Chris suggested therapy, he wasted no time finding a few within the area. They were all outside Boston, so both of you could keep your anonymity and keep the gossip from the magazines. He decided to take some time off traveling as much as he could. You felt bad because he was right in the middle of promo for Knives Out, and you knew he had obligations and contractual responsibilities. Chris persisted though, stating your marriage was more important than some contract or even his career. It was sweet, but you hated feeling like a burden, and that was what you felt like even though it wasn’t his intention.

  You stayed in the townhouse together, you both spent time with his family and developed a routine together. It was nice, and something you’d almost forgotten how well you operated as a unit. You’d missed it—missed him. While the anger between you about the things in your relationship had faded, it was now replaced with something else, an eerie heaviness. When you spoke, it wasn’t about anything significant; you kept it lite and never went beyond the surface. It wasn’t that neither of you had nothing to say to the other; it was you didn’t quite know how to say it.

  “Just good?” Dr. Danquah looked between the two of you and assessed your movements and posture. Chris sat with his back straight with his hands folded over his lap with his legs spread and pointed straight. You, on the other hand, had your arms wrapped around your midsection with your right leg crossed over your left one pointing to Chris’ open ones. You nodded your response.

  “Okay, we’ve made some great progress over the last few weeks, progress that I am hoping the two of you can see.” Chris nodded his agreement. “We’ve addressed each of your maladaptive behaviors and how those behaviors trigger others and then fire off until everything has spiraled out of control. Chris, you learned your way of inadvertently dismissing Uriah’s fears and concerns as her being crazy or irrational triggers her anger and further hurt, which brings out what you call her callousness. Uriah, you learned your way of miscommunication mainly through your callousness triggers Chris’ frustration of not being heard or respected and further fuels his fears of your unhappiness with him and your marriage. You both have learned how your disappearing acts harm your relationship more than help it. All of these little choices and actions build up and turn into major points of contention between the two of you. You both courageously expressed yourselves these last few weeks and let each other in so the other could not only see the effects of their words and behavior but really take in that effect to make a plan to rectify it. You two had homework in the week to write an action plan that would be used to combat the current behaviors you each take part in. I’ve taken the time to go over each of your plans, and I am pleased with them. It shows you both put great thought and time into them. You both should be very proud of yourselves and your progress.” She took a pause and flipped a page on her clipboard then cleared her throat.

  “Let’s talk about the pregnancy.” You took a deep, shuddered breath and looked down at your shoes.

“We’ve touched on it here or there, and every time we did, I’ve noted that when we bring it up you both have very different outward reactions. Chris your jaws clench, brows burrow, but you keep your eyes on me. Uriah, your eyes fall away, and your breathing noticeably changes, it seems as if it has become that much harder to get a breath. Those reactions tell me more than enough. Uriah let’s begin with you. Why look down? Why avoid my eyes?”

  You wrinkled your nose and looked to the beautiful blue paint on the wall and the ornate floral mural that wrapped around the room. You didn’t know if you were quite ready to go there. “It’s easier, I guess.”

  “Okay, I can understand that. Looking at someone applies some form of pressure of scrutiny, looking away usually signified feelings of inferiority or shame. Are you hoping to avoid feeling scrutinized? When we bring it up does it make you feel inferior? Shame?”

  Your throat was tightening, and your heart was pounding. The palms of your hands felt slick with sweat, and you didn’t know how much longer you’d be able to hold before you cried. You didn’t want to cry.

  “Uriah,” Dr. Danquah gently breached.

  Shaking your head, you looked to her. She looked at you with gentleness with the compassion shining through her eyes. You could feel Chris looking at you, and your strength faded as a tear rolled down your cheek. Quickly you wiped it away and looked back down to your shoes. “I’m sorry.”

  “No need to be. Tears are never something to be ashamed of. If neither of you cry, we’re not successful. They are the raw emotion that we need to get to--the emotion without any of the fears and anger.” You nodded and took the piece of tissue she offered. Using the soft sheet you dabbed at the tears on your cheeks and took a few breaths in hopes of gaining some composure.

  “Why wouldn’t I feel shame?”

  “Why would you? This is something that happened to you,” Dr. Danquah interjected.

  “Because it’s my fault. Yes, it happened to me—us, but it’s my fault it did,” you rushed out before using the tissue to catch the fresh tears that dropped from your eyes. No one spoke; they allowed your words to hang in the air for several moments.

  “By referring to the event as “it,” we’re just going around it, avoiding it. Let’s refer to it by what it was. A miscarriage.” Chris sucked in a breath and sunk deeper into the couch. “Why do you think the miscarriage was your fault?”

  The word felt like a slap in the face, followed by a punch to the gut. It hurt. It happened months ago, and you should have been over it by now, but it hurt. You sniffled then took a deep breath and slowly let it out.

  “I just—what if—maybe it is my fault. Maybe if I would have wanted it more, like him then maybe things would be different. Maybe it happened because of me.” Saying the words were like looking it right in the eye and now that you’d said it, it was scarier than ever.

  “It?” You made up your face knowing you’d fall apart if you said them.

  “I can’t imagine how incredibly painful and difficult this is for the both of you, but when we began I gave you my word to help you on this path that you chose to rebuild your marriage. I gave you my vow to be your advocate and your biggest supporters, but that comes with a double-edged sword, I also have to be the one to walk you through the pain, walk you through the dark and it will not be easy, but I can assure you that you are not walking through this alone, I am walking with you. if you do the work, the work will work for you.”

  Chris sniffled, wiped at his nose then crossed his arms over his chest. You took a breath and flared your nose. “The miscarriage.” A defeated, painful sound came from Chris, and it chipped another piece of your heart.

  “Did you want the baby?” Your eyes snapped to her, a little surprised she’d ask you something like that. You wanted to lash out, but you knew that was your fear and anxiety. The feel of Chris’ hand sliding into yours startled you. When you looked down you stared at his fingered laced with yours, and the damn broke. You’d missed his touch. He’d touched you over the last few weeks, but it was always in passing a shoulder touch here, a looped arm there, but this was neither of those. This screamed solidarity, screamed empathy, screamed intimacy. Once you got the courage you looked to him to find his eyes on you.

“It’s okay, Dragonfly.” Your lips trembled as your tears freely streamed down your face. Turning your head from him, you wiped your face and tried to refocus the barrage of emotions that swept through you. After almost a minute, you cleared your throat.

  “I’ve always been a little apprehensive, I guess.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s a big deal. If you do it and make even the smallest wrong decision, you’ll screw up an entire person. It’s a huge responsibility, a huge—thing.”

  “Did you fear you weren’t ready when you agreed with Chris to start a family?”

  You thought back to the weeks of discussion between you and Chris, then your visit to Australia to visit Summer and Chris, and the night the two of you finally committed to the decision. You remembered the conviction you felt with your choice, the excitement bubbling in your belly, and the love swelling your heart to capacity. You were scared yes, but you were ready.

  “No. When we agreed and really agreed I meant it.” You looked to Chris squeezing his hand firmly. “I was ready Chris I promise. It hit me in Australia what was important. Seeing and talking to Chris and Summer and our god babies showed me that nothing will ever fit into a neat box, and no plan ever goes one hundred percent accordingly. You know me, I am such a control freak that I want everything to be perfect, I want all of it including a guarantee, certainties and I was never going to get that. I was so apprehensive before because I didn’t want to screw them up. Because we fell in love and got married so quickly, you see all this good and beauty, you see this perfect model, and I’m not that all the time.” Chris turned his body to you and took hold of your other hand.

  “Uriah, I know you’re not perfect. Any idea of perfection I had about you flew right out the window the night we sat on those steps talking until the sun came up. You’re far from perfect, and that is what I love, I’m not perfect, I don’t want you to be either. I see you, Uriah, I’ve always seen you. The fact that we got married quickly means nothing. It just means I knew what I wanted then and there and didn’t need to waste time. When you can see forever with someone you want forever to start right then and there. I want forever Uriah.” The two of you peered into each other’s eyes for long minutes, and neither of you seemed to remember you weren’t alone.

  “Did you want the baby?”

  “Yes,” you whispered. “Very much.” Chris gave you a small smile and dropped a kiss to your knuckles.

  “So how could it have changed the outcome if the conditions within your heart and wants were optimal? How could you have held such control over something that was out of your control?”

  You dropped your eyes again and sighed. It was irrational; you knew it. You knew it was your love of control that had you thinking these thoughts. Though you knew it, they were hard to shake.

  “It’s the one thing he wanted more than anything, and I couldn’t give it to him. What if I can’t give it? What if he married me for nothing? Your voice was low.

  “What? Wait, is that what you think? You think I married you for the prospect of having kids?”

  “Did you, Chris?”

  “Absolutely not. I married her because I fell hopelessly in love with her.”

  “Talk to her,” Dr. Danquah advised. Again Chris’ body trend to you, you didn’t meet his eyes.

  “Riah, I married you because I couldn’t not do anything else. I couldn’t leave Paris until I knew your name. I couldn’t leave that night until you agreed to dinner, I couldn’t stop at just one dinner it needed another and another. I couldn’t go back to the States and just keep working after meeting you. All I ever wanted was you. in the past I’ve been anything but quiet about my want for a family yes, but sweetheart you gave me a family, you gave me a wife, a partner, someone to go through life with.” His words were beautiful, sweet, and so touching. “I didn’t marry you so you could pop out kids. I married you so I could kiss you whenever the hell I want.” You smiled and looked at him to see a smile that mirrored yours. It was an inside joke between the two of you.

  “A little girl with your eyes and smile is the icing on the cake.” You searched his eyes and felt the truth of his words.

  “Chris, do you blame Uriah for the miscarriage?”

  “That’s insane, no.”

  “What do you feel about the miscarriage?” You held your breath and waited for him to gather his thoughts. You’d been so scared up to this point to hear what he had to say. If it was anything like what he’d already said, then you were in for even more pain. Chris released a breath.

  “I guess I’m in shock still. I—I didn’t even know she was pregnant. I—can’t help but feel robbed, and I know that’s a little insensitive because of what she went through.”

  “You are entitled to your feelings, Chris. Nothing you feel is right or wrong, they are your feelings, and you have a right to them. When you say robbed, what do you mean?” A few moments passed without a sound; you could feel his reluctance to speak whatever he felt.

  “Chris, if we have any hope, you have to stop biting your tongue around me. I want to hear what you have to say just as much as you need to say that you have to. We’re not doing each other any favors by keeping quiet. I’ve learned that much.” Giving his hand one last squeeze for reassurance Chris nodded and dropped his head then looked to Dr. Danquah, who nodded her head to you. Your eyes met once again.

  “I feel robbed of finding out you were pregnant, robbed of experiencing that with you, feeling that with you no matter how short a time it was. I feel robbed of being a husband to you, your best friend. I know this happened to you, your body, you experienced the pain and everything associated with it, but you robbed me of my grieving period, of being there for you. now I’m here in this weird place, a place of playing catch up, and I honestly don’t know how to act, or what to say or even how to be there for you.”

  Nodding your head, you saw the pain in his eyes. You didn’t think it through entirely when you decided just to push pause and bury everything. You didn’t think of after effect. Somehow you thought he’d never have to know, he’d never have to feel the pain, and it wasn’t your choice to make.

  “Do you think that the reason why you’ve been—standoffish emotionally with her is because you feel resentment towards her?”

  Well fuck, that’s a loaded and fucked up question, you thought. You couldn’t look at him though. You feared he did resent you and would for the rest of his life. “I resent her need to always be in control. If I’m honest, I understand why she did it. Coming here, I’ve learned some things, and I’ve been able to put myself in her shoes. Though I don’t think I can ever put myself in her mind frame, I can empathize because I feel what she feels. I feel the loss, the sadness, the pain, the uncertainty, the regret, and fear. I feel it, Riah. You took it upon yourself to go through it alone, that breaks my heart somewhere in you that you didn’t trust me with your pain, didn’t trust me with your fears. It speaks volumes about me as a man, volumes about the kind of husband I’ve been.”

 “What do you mean, Chris?”

   “I’ve been a horrible husband. We’ve been married for almost five years, and I’ve been away for most of the time we’ve been married. Somehow I got okay with not living a life with you, somehow I was okay with having a wife but not being a husband, and that clouded my judgment. The time apart—it didn’t help us. I had a part to play in it and your fears about the women, I listened to them, but I didn’t hear them. I didn’t hear your fears, and I should have. No wonder you didn’t trust me.”

  “Chris, stop. Of course I trust you. You are the only person I trust explicitly. I never told you of the fears for you to hear them. I just expected you to know them. That was wrong of me; it was unfair.”

  “Uriah, do you think Chris has been a bad husband to you?”

  “God no. He’s been the best. He is there for me when I need him, shares my dreams, calms my fears, works with me for the future we both want, he doesn’t stifle me, or force his way, he is kind, giving—he is not a bad husband. You aren’t a bad husband.” His tears slipped down his cheek, and you cupped his jaw and wiped them away.

  “I didn’t trust myself with the pain. I didn’t want to face it. I was so convinced it was my punishment for something, and I shut it out.”

  “Why did you get back on birth control?”

  Sighing, you began idly playing with Chris’ hand. “I was scared to have it happen again. I knew if it happened again I couldn’t hide it, and you’d find out about the first one and--.”

  “This is a safe space, Uriah, finish it.”

  “And it would destroy me and our marriage. I would lose you.”

  The silence that fell between you again was an uneasy one. You could tell Chris was struggling with absorbing this new wave of information. You felt guilty pushing all of this onto him so suddenly. None of what you felt was sudden, but it was for him to hear it. You’d kept a tight lid on all these fears, and you saw now, you’d made a mistaking in doing so.

  “Chris, can we talk about the birth control? How did that make you feel to find out that not only had Uriah experienced a miscarriage but that she’d been further preventing any future pregnancies?”

  His hand fell still, before he was tracing the lines of your palms but now nothing. You knew the surface of how he felt. He’d explicitly expressed it before.

  “I felt betrayed. That is the best way I can describe it.”

  “Can you elaborate?” Chris released another puff of breath and kept his eyes low.

  “We’d made a plan together, came up with a plan, and decided that we were ready to move to the next step together. We made all of these decisions and plans together for a future, a life. Then she went through this and changed the plan, and I’m not angry about that at all, I get why now. I get it now, but when I first found those birth control pills my heart broke. I went through so many thoughts and insecurities.”

   “Like?”

   “Like if she’d changed her mind about wanting her children to be with me, if she’d decided she didn’t want me anymore and just didn’t know how to say it, if she found someone else, if she’d gone back to him--.”

  “Him?” You sighed, then rolled your eyes.

  “He means nothing, Chris, you know that.”

  “Do I? You loved him a long time Uriah, you told me your history; you were with him before I saw you in Paris, hell you were with him in Miami.” He spoke through clenched jaws.

  “Who is him?” Dr. Danquah slid to the edge of her seat, hoping to regain control of the session.

  “My ex.”

  “An ex she is still friendly with, an ex she partied with mere weeks ago,” Chris blurted out.

  “It’s not like how he’s making it sound. We aren’t friendly. I hadn’t seen him in person in months. We hadn’t interacted in a long time. Yes, I saw him in Miami last month, but it was nothing.”

  “Okay. Chris, by you bringing him up—what’s his name?”

  “Chris.” You narrowed your eyes at Chris before you rolled them.

  “Christiano,” you corrected.

  “She thinks I married her for kids; maybe she married me because I was the Chris she could get.”

  “Excuse me? Do you think I can’t get him back with the snap of my fingers? Do you think that it would be so hard for him to be with me? I can easily get him.”

  “Is that right, Uriah.” The look he gave you was a defiant one, one that said go on.

  “Okay, eyes on me, please.” You both looked to her.

“Chris, why is Christiano an insecurity for you?” He didn’t budge to answer the question.

  “He’s like this black cloud. They run in the same circles; they have the same friends, his business is to be seen. They have plenty of chances to interact. He’s always tried put himself in our relationship. He annoys me,” Chris explained.

  “Why?” Chris clenched his jaw again and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He used his fingers to toy with his beard.

  “They have years between them. She could have easily married him.”

  “Chris, are you afraid Uriah will cheat on you with him?” You stared at him, very interested in his answer. Chris rubbed his forehead and groaned.

  “It is a fear.” Your jaw dropped.

  “You’re kidding me.”

  “It’s an unfair one; she’s never given any indication that she’d ever be or has been unfaithful--.”

  “Because I would never be unfaithful. I have never been unfaithful to you, Chris. I have no reason to be I love you. There is no man in the world that has what I want. I didn’t marry Christiano because there was always something missing, something I didn’t know was missing until I sat and talked with you that night. Do you know what was missing?”

  He didn’t answer; he didn’t even look at you. You’d had it with the distance. You slide to the edge of the couch, sank your fingers into his hair, and turned his head to you holding firmly to those strands as you stared into his piercing eyes. Within seconds you felt the familiar connection and warmth all over you. “Do you feel that Evans?” Stubbornly he tried to look away, but you weren’t having it; you held tighter to his hair. “Do—you—feel—that?” He nodded.

  “This is why I didn’t marry him. In the years of breaking up and getting back together, this was never between us. You’ve never given up on me once, and you’ve had plenty of opportunities. I’ve never wanted to give up on you when all I’ve ever done was end relationship after relationship. I don’t want him. There was no temptation in Miami, none. There has never been temptation. I married you, Christopher, you.” You could see how emotional he was and tried to keep your emotions in check, I so he’d fully understand the depth and breadth of your absolute love and devotion for him. Your thumb wiped a tear that fell, and he nodded.

“Chris, do you see the similarities between you and Uriah. You both are so afraid of losing each other to others that you’re not focusing or communicating enough to be able to see that in each other’s eyes, there is no one else.” Chris reached his hand out and wiped your tear-soaked cheek, but he didn’t remove his hand.

  “Sitting here across from you I can see and feel the love you have for one another, I can see how much you mean to each other, and because I can see it and feel it I can tell this path back to one another to rebuild your marriage is not as lost as you think. There is a bright light ahead of you, you both just have to want it enough to do the work.”

  Dr. Danquah looked between you and Chris, you could see her in your peripheral, but you only had eyes for Chris.

  “Do you want it enough?” Chris’ hand slipped to the nape of your neck and gently but firmly held you steady. For some reason, you loved it when he did this. You always felt safe and under the intensity of his eyes, your belly always filled with butterflies.

  “I want it more than enough, dragonfly.” You nodded and held his hand at your neck.

  “I want it too.”

   “Wonderful. Just one last question for this session. Do you still want children with Chris, Uriah?”

   The shock of the question was evident, it took your breath away. Closing your eyes, you tried to push everything to the side, tried to ignore every disparaging thought and voice. It took longer than you expected, but after a few minutes silence filled your head, and you were finally able to think. You took a deep breath and slowly released it.

  “I’m scared, but yes.”

  You heard Chris sigh out as if he were relieved. Your eyes met his red ones, and without words, Chris wrapped his arms around you pulling you into his comforting embrace. You wept together for long minutes. The heaviness you carried within your chest broke apart and brought back the lightness and love you’d always felt for him. You still felt the sadness of what you’d lost, but you didn’t feel alone anymore.

  When you came up for air, you pressed your forehead to his and embraced the intimacy of the moment. You’d both gotten so lost and had come so close to losing it all. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I’m sorry, too,” Chris echoed. Both of you sighed in unison, and for the first time in months, you felt as if you were both converged once again.

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[flower-of-the-desert]

hey, i really liked your posts about ep12, it helped me a lot to put things into perspective. i was wondering if you could share your thoughts on the 2gether finale as well, coz right now i just wanna cry im so disappointed with it =(

Aww, thank you, anon. <3

Ok so my thoughts on the finale are kind of all over the place but I’ll try to explain as best as I can and hopefully it’s gonna make sense.

Like I said, in my original post I dont love the ep but I dont hate it either. I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle. I enjoyed a lot of it - seeing all the couples progress and be happy together, Man/Type especially were just so adorable, Mil and Phukong starting to build something with each other (lil bro using Sarawat’s pick up line was a really nice touch, love that), Mil being an all around awesome supportive friend to BOTH Tine and Wat?? We love to see it. The way he turned up at the football field where Wat was being his angsty self and literally kicked his butt into taking action - *chef’s kiss*

Him and Fong are now the parents of the baby gays I dont make the rules.

Wat’s confession on stage and his song that he literally named after Tine and when he said he never confessed to Pam because he didnt know what love was before he met Tine - perfection. Absolute perfection. I’m here for it.

And Tine’s heartbreak was so well done too, I just felt so much for him.

Again, as I said, the whole thing with Pam didnt turned out exactly as I had hoped but it wasnt the worst case scenario either so I’ll take it. I’d rather have Pam making a mistake and realising it and backing off while assuring Tine that Wat really does love HIM and even though she tried Pam didnt stand a chance because it’s always gonna be Tine for Sarawat and she understands that now over her being an actual bitch who keeps trying to seperate them and uses the situation to her advantage. I mean they could have gone that way too - Pam didnt have to give Tine that recording or to tell him how Wat changed after meeting him but she did, I think, as her own way of apologizing for what she’d done. So yeah, overall, I’m fine with this.

ALSO NOBODY DIED SO THAT’S A BIG PLUS.

(History 3 MODC can’t relate)

ANYWAY, so those are the positives for me. Which as it turns out is most of the episode yay! Now onto what wasnt quite so positive.

My main issue with this episode is the resolution to Wat and Tine’s conflict. Mainly, there really... wasnt one. And I’m not talking about the physical intimacy thing, I’ll touch on that later but more importantly for the ending - the emotional intimacy. None of the problems they had were properly addressed. Tine’s insecurities were rooted so deeply that despite Wat spending 12 EPISODES doing anything and everything to show his love and adoration, Tine still couldnt really believe it. And that’s not gonna be resolved with a simple recording.

And on the other hand, can you image how all of this would make Sarawat feel? Like no matter what he does, no matter how much of himself he gives to Tine, his boyfriend still would find it easier to believe that Wat is just using him as a replacement for someone else. That’s gonna fuck with his head even if Tine came back. I really really wished they had talked at least a little about these things.

Like maybe if we didnt have half of the episode filled with pointless flashbacks there could have been time to actually talk... (tbh, part of me kind of wonders if they purposefully put in so many flashbacks to fill in the air time so they wouldnt HAVE to write those scenes which leaves me ?????).

I think I mentioned this too in the other post, but the Wat/Tine reunion echoes beat for beat the Fighter/Tutor reunion with all its issues but while WhyRU has a reason for why things turned out like that, here I just... I dont know what could have been the reason for 2gether’s writers? Unless they also couldnt film everything they wanted...

And then there’s the... “high-five controversy”, let’s call it and again I find myself in the middle of the argument. I stand by what I’ve said before about how I feel about the way they handled physical intimacy between the characters - yes, objectively and critically speaking, I’m not here for writers/directors/channel/whoever trying to censor the physical intimacy of an established couple. There is nothing wrong with two partners wanting to kiss/cuddle/have sex/etc. Sex isnt something dirty (I mean it can be depending on what you’re writing BUT THAT’S A DIFFERENT GENRE OK, we are not talking about smutty fic here cough cough) and shameful that “pure” people shouldnt be enjoying (lovely post on the topic here I was just thinking about it last night). And it’s about time show creators got with the programme, ESPECIALLY when it comes to non-straight couples.

As of ep13 it’s clear to me that 2gether went through some serious censorship - lots of people have talked about how it’s a thing that they do on this particular channel and maybe that’s all it is, I dont know. I dont want to speculate what’s been going on behind the scenes since I dont have any idea and sadly I dont think the writers will ever be willing to talk about it. I’d LOVE to hear their throughts on this matter tbh and why they decided to do things this way.

So on an objective level, this is bullshit. Subjectively, and this is where my personal opinion comes in, I wasnt as bothered by this as I normally would be because I’ve been enjoying all the other aspects of the relationship that the show successfully built up and prtrayed on screen. Does that make sense?

Specifically about the finale, though, I agree with the complains. Part of why the reunion felt so underwhelming and disappointing, I think, was not only the lack of emotional intimacy but also the hella.... awkward? physical “intimacy” they showed? The scene absolutely did call for a kiss or a hug, at the very least. Instead they were standing 2 feet apart cause... they’re not gay? I really really do not understand what happened there in that scene. I’ve seen some people mention that the finale was filmed before the other episodes so the actors werent used to each other yet and honestly I can see it - watching Tine and Wat in that ending montage felt like I was watching them at the beginning of their fake dating when both were awkward and unsure of where they stood with each other rather than seeing an established in love couple coming back together after going through something tough.

So these are my thoughts on the finale. It wasnt the best one I’ve ever seen but not bad enough to ruin the rest of the show for me (and there’s NOTHING I hate more than bad endings ruining a story I’ve fallen in love with so there’s that) and I do really love this show and its characters so much. It’s hard, even impossivle to find a perfect show from start to finish and honestly I’ve come to believe that’s not as important as what you get out of it - if the show makes you happy, despite whatever writing issues it might have, that’s the most important thing, I think. And 2gether did that for me. So I’m glad I watched it.

Omg, this got so long. Again. If you’re still with me, anon, you’re a hero. I hope I was able to help you. <3

[sweetbyte]

Title: Magical Mistletoe Woes  | (Apart of Lessons in Magic series) 

Rating: T 

Pairing: Shouto Todoroki | Momo Yaoyorozu

Summary: The thing about magical mistletoe was that it was conniving. It was a pesky plant and if not careful enough, one would find themselves trapped into forced intimacy at the mercy of said plant, with a perfect stranger even, until this plant was satisfied. What a wicked and perverse weed. 

The thing about magical mistletoe was that it was conniving. It was a pesky plant and if not careful enough, one would find themselves trapped into forced intimacy at the mercy of said plant, with a perfect stranger even, until this plant was satisfied. What a wicked and perverse weed.

Yes, mistletoe was a staple for the holiday festivities, but it was simply inappropriate given the nature of the plant. Muggles had a similar tradition, but theirs was innocent. Just a peck would do, and if truly bothered, one could leave without repercussions. Simple, sweet and classy. Theirs wasn’t…magical, in the literal sense of course.

In hindsight, maybe she should have paid more attention to the planning of the Christmas party. As Head Girl, she should have inspected all of the minor details that went into it. But she hadn’t. She had much on her plate at the time, still does, and she was happy to let the Prefects take charge of the whole ordeal. She should have known better given the fact that the Gryffindor Prefects were just extremely too giddy to be given the honor. So giddy that even Head Boy Bakugou had commented on her decision being a mistake. She had waved it off then, touched by the energy, eagerness and initiative they were showing. Plus, Bakugou was always belittling the courageous house.  

At the first sight of the mistletoe, Yaoyorozu immediately set to work in taking them down -replacing them with transfigured artificial mistletoe- after having a word with Prefect Mina, who pouted, not at all perturbed by the fact that she had just seen a fourth year being dragged by the ankle back to a petrified fifth year, bound by the mistletoe.

Midway through her hunt, she recruited Bakugou to assist her who looked positively overjoyed at the chance to blast something, which she reminded him he absolutely could not do. She also requested assistance from her Ravenclaw prefects, Iida and Jirou, as she knew they were reliable and competent to get the task done with minor explanation. Call it bias, but they were efficient.

They tackled the great hall being used first, as that’s where the majority of the students were. It was completed in a decent amount of time, and Momo thanked her two prefects and wished them to enjoy the rest of the party, which seemed to be turning out to be a success, mistletoe fiasco aside.

Instead of joining the party, she set off into the corridors to make sure they were clear from the treacherous mistletoe as well. They were not. She had run into 3 sprigs and by the fourth one, she was starting to run out of patience. Or maybe it was seeing Mineta camping underneath trying to lure in a victim before she sent him off with a warning.

She was aware she was missing most of the party, but she also had no interest in attending. Her heart wasn’t in it and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin the festivities for others.

As she stalked the rest of the corridors and checked the alcoves, she was beginning to feel triumphant in her quest. Content and convinced that she had cleared all of the offending vines, she started to make her way back to the great hall.

She sighed half-heartily, thinking about how she was near the end of her time at Hogwarts. It felt bittersweet to reminisce on all the events and changes that had taken control of her life in only the last year. Mainly, the person who had changed everything. If she focused on him, maybe she could ignore the chaos around her. Completely mental and inaccurate, seeing as he was ironically the center of her chaos.

Nearing another alcove, she paused when she heard murmurs and frowned. She wasn’t particularly fond of eavesdropping but if it was the start of explicitly inappropriate conduct, she would have no choice but to intervene.  

She didn’t make out much other than an apology in a low timbre. It was the same timbre that had been making her knees weak all year and she held her breath.

“I’m sorry for wasting your time.” A female voiced rushed out and Momo heard the clicks of heels on the floor nearing her direction. She knew she should have made to move, but she found she was rooted on the spot, wide-eyed, as a girl she recognized as a Hufflepuff ran past her, close to tears. It was obvious, what the conversation she heard was about, and she felt a mix of guilt and relief engulf her.

By the time Todoroki came into her sights, she decidedly chose to bite the inside of her cheek, a horrid habit she had developed this year, and refused to look at him, even when he stopped in front of her.

“Yaoyorozu.” The way he said her name made her flinch. It was void of anything that would betray his feelings, his mask was set into place.

It was interesting really, how different each of their masks worked. Katsuki hid behind wrath, Midoriya behind hope, Shouto behind indifference, and she, well she was still figuring it out.

“Todoroki.” She managed to murmur; the name almost foreign on her tongue after months of not using it. He’d been Shouto to her, until he couldn’t be anymore.

“You shouldn’t be out here, alone.”

She bit her cheek one final time before finally looking up at him. He indeed sounded emotionless, but his eyes said otherwise. She wished she hadn’t looked.

“As Head Girl, there is no one more qualified to be in these corridors, alone.” She begins haughtily, as she practiced. “Not that I have to explain my actions, much less to someone beneath me.” Her words are accusing, biting and offensive and his eyes finally narrowed at her. She feels sick the moment they leave her, but it has to be done. Constant vigilance.

“Very well.” He bites, and she expects him to move, she wants nothing but to run away herself, but she can’t.

Her eyes widen in horror, when she looks up and sees the despicable mistletoe disgustingly hidden in a nook overhead.

“Fuck.” She hears Shouto mutters and it’s ridiculous how it she still can’t control the shivers. He’s not one to use such profanities. She watches him send hexes, intricate ones, but the plant remains intact.

“Once a pair is locked, its binds them until it is satisfied, no curse will work.” She supplies, sounding more bitter than ever at being caught by the blasted mistletoe what starts to entangle around them.

“I know.” He snaps a little too harshly causing her to look down in shame.

Her eyes sweep around the corridor and when she’s content that absolutely no one is in sight, she mutters a small apology only to be shocked to hear him apologize at the same time.

“This is harder than I thought it would be.” She confesses quietly, only wanting her words to reach him.  

Shouto sighs tiredly and the mask falls, leaving an exhausted broken boy in front of her. “This is how it has to be.” For now lingers between them like the damned mistletoe.

“Get on with it, then.” Momo demands softly and she catches his smirk before his lips finally brush against hers. Its soft and tender at first, and she wants to sob at the innocence of it. It’s been too long. It turns needy, and she’s fine with that, for she truly is needy for him.  She wills her hands to stay by her side, but the will is broken once she feels his hands cradle her face and she ends up clutching any part of him she can reach.

It’s torture when they part to confirm the plant had subsided because as much as disdain the forsaken mistletoe had brought her, it also gave her this moment with him again.

“Not that I’m complaining, but perhaps this was too much.” She manages to whisper and Shouto only shakes his head while bringing her into his arms. She misses him. She misses him so much, but what they are doing in dangerous. “Shouto we can’t-“

“I’ve already cast a disillusionment and silencing charm.” Her mutters into the crook of her neck causing her to sigh and bring her hands to rub circles along his back. Of course, he’s always been steps ahead of her. They stay like that for a moment making the most of it before they pull away.

“You really shouldn’t be out alone, where is Bakugou?” He asks tersely causing her to roll her eyes.

“I’ll be fine, it’s you who should really be careful. Don’t be reckless.” She chides gently. “Besides, it’s only until the end of the year.”

“You would think he’d keep a better eye on you.” He complains causing her to tut in response. “Contrary to popular belief, I am not the one who needs to be watched.” She rebukes pointedly while banishing the mistletoe above them with her wand. He's quick to drop one last lingering kiss on her lips before he swishes his and she knows the charms giving them privacy are gone with the return of his cold mask.

“I recommend you watch your back Todoroki, wouldn’t want anything unfortunate to happen to you in these lonely halls, now would we?” She taunts before she brushes past him. ‘Be careful’ She stresses.

She waits until she’s in the comfort of her quarters to touch her lips, reliving the touches and kiss they had managed to share, if only for a moment underneath the blasted mistletoe.

But that was the thing about magical mistletoe, wasn’t it?

A/N: Happy Holidays everyone! As you can see, I’m still in such a HP mood. 

[revolutionary-demosthenes]

The Bonstetten-Gray relationship

Most of this information comes from “Thomas Gray (A Biography)” which can be found here: https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.226086/page/n289/mode/2up.

Thomas Gray was an English poet born in 1716. He had many siblings, but the was the only one who survived childhood. According to poetry foundation, he “is generally considered the second most important poet of the eighteenth century” behind Alexander Pope.

Charles Victor de Bonstetten was born in 1745. He was a Swiss writer, and stayed with Francis Kinloch, John Laurens’s ex-boyfriend, (I will post more about him soon) when Johannes Von Müller and Alleyne Fitzherbert, 1st Baron, St. Helens were also staying with him, in what I call Kinloch’s Gay Retreat. (I will be posting about that very soon.) This relationship is pre-Kinloch, however something interesting is that Alleyne Fitzherbert also knew Gray, who wrote about Fitzherbert, “the little Fitzherbert is come as pensioner to St. John's, and seems to have all his wits about him.” 

Bonstetten met Gray near the end of the latter’s life. There was a 30 year age difference between them, but they were both adults. Bonstetten knew about Gray, but how they first came into contact is pretty hilarious. Here is the excerpt from the biography (Norton Nicholls was a friend of Gray’s): “So the November of 1769 wore uneventfully on, until one even- ing Norton Nicholls, who was concluding a rather protracted absence from his parish with a visit to Bath, happened to go to a ball at the Assembly Rooms. Light-hearted as ever, the youth- ful rector scrambled on to a table in order to have a better view of the dancing, and presently another young man did the same. They clutched one another for fear of falling, an unceremonious introduction which led to a lifelong friendship between them. The young man's name was Charles-Victor de Bonstetten, and he was the only son of a prominent member of the little group of patrician families which ruled the canton of Berne.” In other words, Nicholls and Bonstetten both stood on a table during a ball, holding each other so they wouldn’t fall! What a way to meet someone... They became friends, and either Bonstetten realized that Nicholls knew Gray, or Nicholls found out that Bonstetten revered Gray, but either way, Nicholls wrote a letter of recommendation for Bonstetten to be taught by one Thomas Gray. 

Side note: Bonstetten was going to marry an heiress, but wrote to his father that he was very happy he had not done so. Very, very happy. The he had not married a woman. He wrote in French, but the rough translation is, “O my dear father, I will now be admirably cheerful, and sing and dance all day like a man who woke up from a bad dream” Wow.

It appears that Bonstetten and Gray became fast friends after they met in London, December (of 1769, I’m assuming. The book is not terribly clear.) Bonstetten stayed in a coffee house often used by Gray and his friends. It seems that the affection Bonstetten felt for Gray came on quickly. He wrote Nicholls, after two weeks of being in Cambridge, “I never walk but with even steps and musing gate, and looks corner- cmg with the skyes ; and unfold my wrinkles only when I see Mr Gray, or think of you Then notwithstanding all your learnings and knowledge, I feel in such occasions that I have a heart, which you know is as some others a quite profane thing to carry under a black gown,” Gray wrote at the bottom of this letter, of Bonstetten, “I never saw such a boy our breed is not made on this model He is busy from morning to night, has no other amusement, than that of changing one study from another, likes nobody, that he sees here, and yet wishes to stay longer, tho’ he has pass’d a whole fortnight with us already His letter has had no correction whatever, and is prettier by half than English.”

At first, the Gray seemed to only see Bonstetten as a student, “But as the weeks went by, and his protege still stayed on at Cambridge, Gray grew ever more fascinated by him. He insisted that he should visit him at all times of the day, dine with him, work in his rooms. Together they read the English poets, went over the botanical lessons of Mr. Miller, played on the new pianoforte — a present from Stonhewer — and talked on and on until the college gate was about to close” They spent a lot more time together, which seems to have been initiated mainly by Gray. 

But it is this next passage in the biography that really hits me the hardest. It also is pretty clearly implying gay, which seems amazing to me, as this book was written in the 1950s, when being gay was still unjustly taboo. The book says that when Gray first met Bonstetten, he just saw him as a good student/an opportunity to impart knowledge onto someone deserving. But, “by now he realised that this newcomer was arousing in him emotions such as he had never experienced before, emotions obsessive and overwhelming. All his defences were swept away — the life so carefully organised, the formal and deliberate manner, the refuge which he had sought in books and antiquities and the interleaved Linnaeus. He was filled with disquiet, for he understood the secrets of his own nature he knew the existence of temptations which could not for one moment be contemplated by one who had been, all his life long, a strict observer of the laws of God and the laws of man. At the same time the very presence of Bonstetten brought him unimagined happiness. For a few short weeks he enjoyed once more what he had never known since his childhood days...” 

This appears to me like an intense internal struggle for Gray. He knew how society looked upon homosexuality, and as a respected poet, it was a big risk for him to be accused of this. As for the ‘secrets of his own nature’ I cannot honestly think of any other meaning of this but attraction for other men. Additionally, why would Gray. be ‘filled with disquiet’ about an intimate friendship? This strongly implies that Gray felt that the intimacy their relationship reached a level that was not accepted by society in that time. This passage especially makes me feel so bad for Gray, Bonstetten, and everyone who was/is not straight but are/were not allowed to be their true selves. Gray loved this man so deeply, yet if anyone found out about it, he would possibly be sentenced to death! An impossible situation, truly. But Bonstetten and Gray seemed willing to take the risk. Oddly, the biography says, that when Gray refused to talk of his personal life with Bonstetten, “Bonstetten concluded, a little surprisingly in the circumstances which then prevailed, that [Gray] had never been in love.” I would say very surprisingly... But of course this would also be an excellent cover for a romantic relationship. It is also worth noting that if Bonstetten only saw Gray as a mentor, why would he care if Gray would not talk of his early life when Bonstetten did?

However romantic their relationship got, it is clear that they both, though Gray especially, were very happy around each other. It was not to last, sadly. Bonstetten’s father wanted his son home. Gray made fun of this, and Bonstetten made a heart-felt appeal to his father, “Quand j ’ai enfin trouve un ami c'est pour le perdre et pour retomber dans cette sombre solitude ou je reste la proie des vices et de toutes les miseres humaines” which translates to “When I finally find a friend it is to lose him and to fall back into this dark loneliness where I remain the prey of vices and all human misery.” This was quite a smart and logical appeal, since Bonstetten’s father was worried about his son disgracing himself in some way or another, as many fathers worried about in those days (Henry Laurens...).

But even this was not enough, and Bonstetten departed in late March. As the biography says, “Gray was quite inconsolable All the warmth, the con- tentment, the affection that had lately filled his life would be drained out of it once more, and nothing but loneliness and emptiness lay ahead. And apart from his desolating sense of personal loss, he was deeply anxious about Bonstetten’s future He had tried so hard to sober the volatile creature, to control the fantasies and aspirations that filled his brain What dangers, what pitfalls of licentiousness and atheism now awaited him in France? What would happen to him when he returned to the domination of 'his cursed Father ’? As the dreaded day of separation drew near he tried to confide in Nicholls, but despaired of conveying to him the extent of his distress 'He gives me too much pleasure, and at least an equal share of inquietude. You do not understand him so well as I do, but I leave my meaning imperfect, till we meet I have never met with so extraordinary a Person God bless him ! I am unable to talk to you about anything else, I think.’ He went to London with Bonstetten, and said farewell to him on 23 March at four o’clock in the morning, when the Dover coach rumbled away into the cold and darkness.” The phrase “too much pleasure” also seems to suggest a relationship beyond friendship. As well as the phrase, ‘I leave my meaning imperfect’ perhaps he left it imperfect because he could not dare to write his real feelings.

Every single one of Bonstetten’s letters to Gray after leaving London are missing. Every. Single. One. One cannot even begin to speculate the sorts of things written in those letters! Three letters survived from Gray. These letters are pretty heartbreaking. It is clear that Gray missed Bonstetten deeply, despite only having known each other for a few months. “Never did I feel, my dear Bonstetten,” he wrote “to what a tedious length the few short moments of our life may be extended by impatience and expectation, till you had left me nor ever knew before with so strong a conviction how much this frail body sympathizes with the inquietude of the mind I am grown old m the compass of less than three weeks, like the Sultan in the Turkish Tales, that did but plunge his head into a vessel of water and take it out again (as the standers-by affirm'd) at the command of a Dervish, and found he had pass'd many years in captivity and begot a large family of children The strength and spirits that now enable me to write to you, are only owing to your last letter, a temporary gleam of sunshine Heaven knows, when it may shine again I did not conceive till now (I own) what it was to lose you, nor felt the solitude and insipidity of my own condition, before I possess’d the happiness of your friendship.”

Poor Gray! We do have a hint, however, later in this letter, what the letter Bonstetten had previously written had contained. Gray writes, “I return to your letter, it proves at least, that in the midst of your new gaieties, I still hold some place in your memory, and (what pleases me above all) it has an air of undissembled sincerity. Go on, my best and amiable Friend , to shew me your heart simply and without the shadow of disguise, and leave me to weep over it (as I do now) no matter whether from joy or sorrow.” Well, Gray was a poet, but this is just so beautiful... and so sad! This letter betrays such genuine grief and love over Bonstetten... if this letter survived, what must Bonstetten’s (which did not) contain? Bonstetten’s letter must have contained sadness about the separation as well. The line ‘without the shadow of disguise’ also strikes me as a particularly gay line... if they were just friends, why would there even be talk of parts of their heart ‘disguised?’ Also, Gray is saying that Bonstetten’s true heart makes him weep, which is basically saying, ‘You love me so much but that you love me so much is painful because you are away from me. But this is not the end of the tear-fest, my friends. Gray wrote Bonstetten again soon after, 

“Alas! how do I every moment feel the truth of what I have some- where read Ce n’est pas le voir que de Fen souvenir , and yet that remembrance is the only satisfaction I have left My life now is but a perpetual conversation with your shadow — The known sound of your voice still rings in my ears — There, on the corner of the fender you are standing, or tinkling on the pianoforte, or stretch'd at length on the sofa — Do you reflect, my dearest Friend, that it is a week or eight days, before I can receive a letter from you, and as much more before you can have my answer, that all that time (with more than Herculean toil) I am employ'd in pushing the tedious hours along, and wishing to annihilate them; the more I strive, the heavier they move and the longer they grow. I can not bear this place, where I have spent many tedious years within less than a month, since you left me.’ 

Time had obviously not softened the blow of Bonstetten's departure. Gray also repeatedly emphasizes that he is not living his life in the way that he was before Bonstetten entered his life. Again, we do not have any of Bonstetten’s letters, so we must only speculate what they could contain. But it seems clear that whatever they said, they did nothing to alleviate Gray’s pain, and perhaps even made Gray yearn ever more for his departed pupil. 

About a month later, Thomas Gray and Norton Nicholls went to Suffolk together, and had hoped to see Bonstetten while there, but when Bonstetten was there (I do not the know the reason why he was not or why Gray expected him to be) Gray wrote another plaintive letter:

“I am return'd, my dear Bonstetten, from the little journey I had made into Suffolk without answering the end proposed. The thought, that you might have been with me there, has embitter'd all my hours. Your letter has made me happy; as happy as so gloomy, so solitary a Being as I am is capable of being. I know and have too often felt the disadvantages I lay myself under, how much I hurt the little interest I have in you by this air of sadness so contrary to your nature and present enjoyments, but sure you will forgive, tho* you can not sympathize with me It is impossible for me to dissemble with you Such as I am, I expose my heart to your view, nor wish to conceal a single thought from your penetrating eyes — All that you say to me, especially on the subject of Switzerland, is infinitely acceptable. It feels too pleasing ever to be fulfill'd, and as often as I read over your truly kind letter, written long since from London,* I stop at these words La mort qui peat glacer nos bras avant qu’ils soient entrelaces.”

The French at the bottom of this letter translates to, “Death that can freeze our arms before they are intertwined.” 

There is also a line in this letter which raises the question “Did Gray love Bonstetten but Bonstetten not love Gray?” The aforementioned line is, “tho* you can not sympathize with me” which seems to suggest either that Bonstetten is not having as hard a time away from Gray, or that they loved each other in different ways. But this could also just mean that Bonstetten has other friends, or really anything along those lines. I also feel we should be extremely careful when claiming that love is one-sided when we only have one sides’ recollection of the relationship. People try and do this with the Laurens-Hamilton relationship... many of Laurens’s letters that survive are not as gushing as Hamilton’s but we are missing a great deal of them, and what we have was edited. But some people try to dismiss the relationship because of this. Also, this is one line out a letter that basically screams “I LOVE U!!” so...

I have found a list of all the Bonstetten letters, though there is no content. There are dates of the letters, though. Here is the link: http://www.thomasgray.org/cgi-bin/display.cgi?collection=letters&author=Bonstetten,+Charles+Victor+de,+1745-1832&sortby=placelet_up.

There’s a letter to Norton Nicholls in there too, and the only reason I’m mentioning it is because Bonstetten uses the phrase ‘methinks’ which is just wonderful.

But it seems that this relationship would die down soon afterwards. The biography says, “Such intensity of emotion could not last for very long It exhausted Gray's vitality at the time, and may well have had a permanent effect upon his health, but as the weeks went on he began to view the whole affair in a more reasonable light He saw the absurdity of his relationship with Bonstetten as well as its sadness; and indeed the absurdity, for all his over- mastering charm, of Bonstetten himself. Even at this early stage he began to find the style of the letters from Paris * un peu trop alembique', affected and over-refined. They were not to grow less so with the passage of time. Bonstetten made uncon- vincing excuses for not writing more often, and 'he seems at present to give into all the French nonsense and to be employ'd much like an English boy broke loose from his Governor ' It was the natural reaction of a high-spirited young man after those sober months at Cambridge, months of serious reading and celibate living and an unequal friendship between youth and age; but it displeased Gray, and the pangs of separation began to torment him less.”

We can tell from this that Bonstetten was the one who really began to separate from Gray once their geographic distance and cultural distance (to some extent, because Bonstetten was adopting more French manners, which displeased Gray,) grew too great. This parallels the Kinloch/Laurens relationship to some extent, I feel, because Laurens and Kinloch relationship deteriorated once Laurens was in London and Kinloch was still part of the Geneva social circles.

At any rate, this is what I have been able to find on the Bonstetten/Gray relationship. In conclusion: Bonstetten and Gray were likely lovers, despite a very large age difference, (Bonstetten was abut 24, and Gray 53) but the relationship did not last long. (If you want to think of it as a summer fling in December, I won’t stop you.) Gray appears to have been the more gushy letter-writer, but we have none of Bonstetten’s so it is really impossible to say. Bonstetten died in 1771, while Bonstetten was in Geneva. I’m trying to figure out what Bonstetten did, and if he stayed in Geneva or traveled between 1771 and 1775, when he went to Kinloch’s Gay Retreat.

Hope you enjoyed!