#mainly because i feel ridiculous posting meta when so much shit is going on

[lokiinmediasideblog]

Because I've been seen posts that only Loki was to blame for Jotunheim, and claiming inconsistent Odin characterization in TR (I will only use Thor (2011) for that matter).

But my take on whether or not Odin allowed and promoted negative views of the Jotuns/Jotunheim is that he did (even if you exclude TR).

The way Thor (2011) is structured, there were some very EASY changes that would have cemented Loki as being the ONLY one in the wrong and absolved Odin, but interestingly, this is not what happened.

Instead of giving some answer out of a self-help book that doesn't address child Thor's proclamation that one day he'll eradicate all Jotuns in front of his secretly Jotun son, he should have said that the Jotuns have a right to exist/aren't inherently bad and such to the impressionable child heirs.

Yes, Odin didn't want to start a war but not because he didn't hold negative views of Jotunheim. I see this cited as "proof" Odin was a wonderful anti-imperialist King before TR. Wars have costs like Einherjar lives, supplies, and such. There are practical reasons why he wouldn't want a war rather than assuming he didn't hold or promote negative views of the Jotun, and him not starting a war was a practical and strategic decision. He had already taken what he came for (the Casket and got a free baby). Why go to war at that point?

So you don't think Loki is reliable with "Because I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?" But somehow the deflective answer Odin gives to child Thor is evidence he didn't hold and promote negative views of the Jotun in millennia? I'm sorry, but Loki's words are stronger evidence in this case because they're not deflection. And I find it annoying to dismiss them as hyperbole and lies. Yes, Loki lies, but he's not the only one that lies and it's ridiculous to be saying this when it's been proven Loki has also been lied to by both parents.

Loki's reasoning in killing his biological father and his own species are based on the assumption that Odin was only against war with Jotunheim because it would cost Asgardian lives. So he finds a way to destroy an entire realm indirectly without the use of warriors. When Odin wakes from the Odin-sleep, Loki PROUDLY proclaims that he caused all the devastation in Jotunheim for him. An easy way they could have made only Loki in the wrong is to have him do this in secret because he didn't believe Odin would approve. HOWEVER, Loki proclaims this proudly to Odin. He clearly thought this would get him into Odin's good graces and prove that he's a "trustworthy" Jotun. Loki's behavior here doesn't make sense if Odin didn't hold and promote negative views of Jotunheim. IF Odin was a good anti-imperialist King, it would be under Loki's best interests to deny the attempted genocide rather than proudly proclaim he did it all for Odin. Loki is a millennia-old manipulator; it's ridiculous to think he'd lack the common sense to act on behalf of his best interests.

Odin could have told Loki he was a Jotun even if he didn't wish to use him for diplomacy. Why do people act like Loki being told means Odin didn't abandon his plan to use Loki for "diplomacy"? They're not mutually exclusive! And yes, I do think Odin loved Loki in some fucked up dysfunctional way and wanted to keep him.

[jasontoddiefor]

I call this story “I thought I posted this a month ago ups”, a little thank you for @duckie-gordon

The Umbrella Academy x Batfam Crossover

Enjoy!

Damian is not pleased when inter-dimensional travelers show up in the middle of a highly time-sensitive mission. They had been planning on. Taking down this particular drug cartel for a month, everybody was here, and then it had nearly gone to hell if not for Barbara’s quick thinking.

So no, Damian was also not in favor of the Hargreeves siblings staying at the manor. The family was busy and this should really be more the Justice League’s business, but Baba wasn’t willing to hand them over, fearing that even more people would cross over.

The short individual calling himself Five - an utterly ridiculous name - had ensured that nobody else should be coming, but they wouldn’t just trust the words of a stranger who looked like a child and could travel through time and space, even if he seemed to be the most functional out of the group.

And the most dangerous.

Apparently, the white one - Vanya, Number 7 - was the one with the most destructive powers of the siblings, but Damian had grown up amongst assassins, and Five was the one who moved like one.

“How many people have you killed?” Damian asked Five.

He had managed to corner the man - not a box, never a child. Damian had eyes and he could see and five walked like an old man - three days after the Hargreeves’ arrival.

Five mustered him, then he smirked. “When I was your age? Oh, a couple dozen for sure. Small-time criminals really. I only moved on to the big guns afterward. Nazis, a king, presidents...”

“Why are so proud of it?”

Five raised a brow. “Should I not be? It’s just another skill and one I excel at. You do as well, don’t you?”

Damian clenched his hands to fists, counted to ten and exhaled. This is not you, he told himself. This is not who you will be.

He couldn’t help but think that Ra’s and the monster Nyssa had forced to wear his mother’s face, would have adored Five.

“If you hurt any member of my family, you will pay for it.”

Damian knew the weight of being raised with blood on his hands. There was nothing to be proud of.

X

Cassandra was wary of their guests. She knew that they meant no harm to them and were mostly confused and broken apart. Her family didn’t always get along well either - Cassandra for example always insisted on sticking close to Jason on patrol. She wanted to trust him, she did, but she also knew what would happen should he falter, so she chose to be at his side - but they were family.

The Hargreeves siblings had been raised together, and they were comfortable in each others’ personal spaces in a way only family could, but they weren’t exactly unified.

“They do not speak,” Cassandra told Bruce. “They say a lot, but they do not speak.”

Most of the time, the siblings could be found sassing each other, brooding over plans on how to get back in a world that was currently in a post-apocalyptical state, but they never actually said what was going on through their mind.

It was frustrating.

It gave Cassandra a headache and it needed to change.

“You need to speak,” Cassandra told Allison.

The young woman was still rendered mute, though they hoped to fix that soon. Allison had taken to carrying around a tablet with some preprogrammed words and questions such as “yes”, “no”, “maybe” and “Can I have-?”.

While that form of communication obviously annoyed Allison greatly, she didn’t seem to mind her muteness itself.

‘I’m speaking as good as I can,’ Allison typed away. Her body screamed ‘do not talk to me, I can’t take it, I do not want to say another word.’

Cassandra frowned. Talking to others was so difficult. She wished they would just understand her in the same way she could read them.

“I do not like to speak either,” Cassandra admitted. “It is fractured. Difficult. Easy to misunderstand.”

Perhaps that was why Cassandra preferred singing to talking. She didn’t have an angel’s voice, but she also didn’t sound like a demon. Music could convey so much word than simple sentences with the same effort.

“But I learned and I enjoy listening to my siblings. You need to say what you need, not what you want.”

‘Isn’t that the same?’

Cassandra shook her head and held out her hand. “No, it’s not. Come with me.”

Maybe she could teach Allison to see a little bit like Cassandra could. Tim and Jason were training together right now. There was always a lot of conversation going on between the two, even if neither spoke up.

X

The last week had been interesting.

Killer mimes on Monday, speaking animals on Tuesday and superheroes from another dimension on Wednesday. Duke had a lot of thoughts about that procession of events, mainly that he could not care less. Just another regular week in a household of Gotham vigilantes. He hadn’t yet really had the time to work with a lot of people of other cities, figure out if their lives were just as crazy as Duke’s. He honestly didn’t know any other life, Gotham has always been crazy, though he definitely would trade it for a bit more peace and quiet.

Just once in a while it would be nice if his biggest worry was an upcoming test and not whether his stab wound would heal any time soon.

Duke was about to leave the guest wing - he was fairly sure Jason had hidden his PlayStation there, but Duke hadn’t been able to find it yet - when he heard a loud crash. Sighing, he turned around and walked back into the direction he had come from.

The sound must have come from one of the rooms the Hargreeves were staying in. Personally, Duke thought that they really needed to be kicked off their pedestal and get their shit together.

But that just might also be because he was the only meta on a team full of normal non-enhanced humans who could all kick his ass.

Well, Jason’s totally human status was up for debate because he healed way too quickly and could also maybe see ghosts.

Not that he ever admitted to it, but ever since Duke had gained more control over his powers, he noticed when people moved strangely, when the light flickered. There was just something off about Jason, but that really wasn’t the point.

The point was that Vanya had probably been practicing with her powers again without supervision.

Her door was the only one open and Duke was fairly sure everyone else was eating lunch right now.

Vanya’s hair was a mess, and so were the insides of her room. Some picture frames were broken, a couple items damaged - it looked like a storm had raged in here.

Duke knocked on the door frame. “Are you alright?”

She was breathing erratically, stuck somewhere between wanting to breathe and being stuck in the earlier high.

Duke waited for her to calm down.

That had been the hardest lesson to learn. If you want to master your abilities, you can’t rely on your emotions for the push to use them. He needed to be focused to only use them when he wanted to.

“Better?” Duke asked after a couple minutes.

“... Yes.”

“Good.”

He sat down on the ground, just a few feet away from her.

“Average Sunday afternoon, right?” He said with a smile.

“What?”

“You know.” Duke pointed at the broken glass lying on the floor. “Powers out of control, a panic attack, bit of existential crisis on the side.” He shrugged. “Ordinary Sunday afternoon.”

Vanya looked at him like he might have grown a second head - or a third one. Second heads were too casual, three sounded like a good strange number.

“How is this ordinary?” Vanya asked, throwing her hands up. “We’re stuck in another universe and I’m talking to fifteen-year-old-”

“I’m sixteen actually,” Duke interrupted.

Vanya rolled her eyes. “Fine, a sixteen-year-old in a house that’s like 200 years old whose owner dresses his children up in bat costumes to fight criminals.”

Duke ran his fingers through his hair. “Like I said, normal Sunday afternoon. Though, really, we do the dressing up ourselves and we’re not all bats.”

Duke stopped to think. “Some of us are birds first actually. Anyway, do you feel like lunch? You can clean up later. And you really shouldn’t practice without supervision, it totally sucks, speaking from experience here.”

“You’re the only one with powers right?” Vanya asked as she got up from the floor.

She still sounded as suspicious as they all had on the first day when they discovered only Duke had powers. It was common knowledge that the Bats didn’t have any powers within the Justice League, even though some doubted it still and Duke thought it made sense. Most of the time they were just really annoying and impractical. Sure, being indestructible like Superman had its benefits, but Duke being deathly allergic to a green rock was kind of stupid. The speed of the Flash was also pretty sweet only as long as it didn’t kill you or made you time travel.

“Yep,” Duke answered. “Though I actually joined the vigilant business before I knew I had them. See, there was this battle between Batman and the Joker-”

Maybe all of them just needed to relax a bit and learn how to define their own normal.

[wh33zy]

1-3, 10

I don’t know which one you want me to answer these questions for so I’mma do all three of the recent ones i reblogged in rapid succession because I’m extra and cringey like that: 

Fanfic Writer Ask Game- 

1. Has a comment left on a fic of mine ever made me laugh out loud? 

Not yet! They always tend to make me smile a lot but I haven’t lol’d yet!

2. Has a comment ever made me cry? 

I’m going to be honest and say that whenever I get comments from people, saying that they read all my stuff, that they always look forward to an update from me, or that my writing is helping them through a difficult time, I tear up! It hits me in my chest like GWAH.

3. Have I ever made myself laugh out loud or cry when writing? 

Never cry but definitely laugh! I like writing comedy or adding it in my writing a lot because it’s fun for me and fun for the reader. It also gives me an excuse to get my horrible jokes out of my brain. 

10. What word do I keep using like it’s going out of style?

This is a hard one because I’m not sure! I spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about repeating words. I know I love using the word ‘polite’ and ‘huff’! Also ‘offer’ and ‘oblige’. 

20 Fandom Ask Memes- 

1. If I could hit any character, who would it be? 

This is a hard one because I wanna hit A LOT of characters with no repercussions. Because I’m still VERY EMOTIONAL about Yakuza 7, I would like to hit Sawashiro as hard as I can. I know that I would also love to beat up Sid the Sloth from Ice Age. Lloyds from Tiger & Bunny. Oh! And Fuyuhiko from Junjou Romantica as well as Takano from SIH.

2. What fandoms am I no longer a part of? 

I also can’t really answer this one because I don’t really join fandoms. Like, the main purpose of this blog was to say whatever came to mind in regards to characters I liked/disliked whether or not I’d be met with hate from the fandom. So far, the reception for my stupid posts have been positive in JR land! I would say that I am not really in the One Piece fandom anymore. This is because I don’t write OP fanfiction as often as I used to and I find the discords to be rather intimidating because not only do A LOT of members tend to overwhelm me a bit but I’m so afraid of coming across as a bad person or cringey or stupid. TBH did leave an OP discord over something stupid I said that I know I blew out of proportion by overthinking. The discord was kinda dying anyways. [shrug]

3. Characters I’d marry in an instant? 

OMG EASY: Kasuga Ichiban from Yakuza 7 (he’s the perfect man), Legosi from Beastars (if only I were a white rabbit), and Sadie Adler from RDR2 (I have the biggest crush on her omg).

10. Characters that deserved worse? 

Hate to say it but Barnaby from Tiger & Bunny. I dunno, I felt like he kinda got off a little too easy with the way he treated Kotetsu in the beginning. (Kotetsu was his partner for their work as heroes since they have the same powers and they didn’t get along because of their differences. However, while Kotetsu was at least trying to befriend him after a while, Barnaby seemed to make more of an effort to be an ass.) 

Also, Takano from SIH. He deserves to be punched in half by Donkey Kong. Hiroki from JR needs a big serving of humble pie. Fuyuhiko from JR should be thrown in a well somewhere. 

Fun Meta Asks for Writers- 

1. Current projects? 

I signed up for my first ever creative writing class, so I’m working on a couple original stories that I have been way too lazy about AND finnicky about because I want my writing to be 100% perfect ALL THE TIME AND THE FIRST TIME OR I’M TERRIBLE. 

For fanfiction, I’m currently working on a Spiderman AU for JR, a Professer AU for Egoist because i guess I want to rewrite their story lol, FEUD of course, and for a T&B work called Firsts: Necessary Evils. 

2. What I most look forward to writing? 

In FEUD, I’m really looking forward to writing a new conflict that’s coming up between Ijuuin and pretty much everyone else. 

I am mainly excited about the Spiderman AU because I LOVE superheroes and I think the style and plots that I have for it are very good! I have it set up quite different where there’s a chapter where Akihiko is Spiderman, then another chapter where Misaki is, and the last chapter is them both being Spiderman. What I have set up for Misaki when he’s the hero is just YES SO MUCH FUN! 

For the Professor AU where Hiroki and Nowaki are both professors, I’m excited to be kind of boring. It’s a sweet, slice of life story about two dorks who are a little awkward falling in love. It’s charming and not very dramatic. I just want to take the advice of my creative writing prof which is to dare to be boring. 

Other than that, it’s my original stories. I’m becoming less afraid of writing them so the more I do, the more excited I become to write more.

3. What is one scene I want to write but at the moment can’t be arsed (I fucking hate this word ugh ‘arsed’ it sounds stupid)? 

I’m so sorry for those who read FEUD but it’s literally the next part of this coming chapter. I dunno, I’m just...lazyyyyyyyyy. Lol I’M GETTING TO IT, but at the moment, I’ve been kinda lazy with my writing. I don’t know why, probably because it’s sad bitch hour every hour. 

10. How would I describe my writing process?

I don’t know if I have something that counts as a writing process, but I just start writing when I feel really compelled by an idea. If I am inspired enough, I just write. Then, I figure out a beginning to it or an end to it or how to blend it into a story if I wish to. Afterwards, I edit the shit out of it and then let it sit on my laptop for a while until I’m brave enough to post it since I think a lot of what comes from my hands is terrible lol. If I’m craving inspiration, I’ll look up quotes and just go from there. I also tend to think about scenarios A LOT in terms of my favorite characters so I always seem to have some kind of idea. 

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!! This was fun!!

[whalohs]

i’m back with meta. 

( and then immediately i hecked up the tags, so deleting and reposting. sorry for the spam! )

let’s look at caleb and jester’s relationship, as mainly a retrospective of where it started. i’m also going to talk about where it has gone since, and how the heck we got here. not particularly shippy unless you ship it already (in which case i hope you enjoy the ship meta), and ready to discuss anything as long as you’re respectful about it.

as always, general disclaimer: for me, it’s more interesting for me to think “[character] would do this because [actions]”, rather than “[character] would do this because [player preferences]”. i can’t claim to know the critical role cast, and i think it does a disservice to their characters if i try to bring them in like that. a weird distinction, i know, but i always think it’s important to mention! i try to distance my meta from the cast, and take the character’s actions by their own merit. 

anyway.

for all we joke about how ridiculous jester is or how much caleb was ready to run from the mighty nein, it’s hard to deny these two had a really, really rough start. jester was everything caleb didn’t want in a person, and caleb was someone jester never... really had experience with. 

lemme explain, first with caleb’s perspective: caleb is running from trent & the cerberus assembly. the last thing he wanted was to be noticed or seen, let alone get his name out there in any way shape or form - and yet here comes the most silly, obnoxious, ready-to-turn-the-world-upside-down tiefling he has ever met, and he met molly at the same time. 

naturally, he hates it. but it runs a deeper than having to travel with someone who doesn’t give a shit about discretion when caleb is discretion personified. i think when we dislike someone, it’s because we see parts of ourselves reflected in them; not necessarily all bad, but parts we have lost, never had, or don’t want to acknowledge. 

it’s important to note that while caleb and jester are very different, there are parts that are shockingly similar; caleb started as a very hopeful, bright, and confident young man at the time he entered the assembly, not unlike where jester started in their adventures ( now is a different story, and i’ll get to that later ). they are both stubborn in their ideals and put a lot of faith in the people they care about ( caleb with nott, jester with the traveler, marion, and fjord ). 

i would not be surprised if caleb sees a little bit of his younger self in jester. but the conflict occurs where he sees his younger self as a very flawed, terrible individual, while jester is not... that. he simultaneously wants to protect her from becoming jaded (as anyone with experience tends to want to), while also knowing she could make very awful mistakes (like he did) if left alone. 

that said! jester is the way she is because she was able to foster her positivity, her hopes, and her ideals in a way that didn’t come and bite her in the ass. so it’s not “jester is caleb pre-development”, and more “jester and caleb are two different results due to different experiences from similar individuals”. unfortunately, caleb can’t think like that with the experiences he’s had, hence all of this.  

i think that it’ll make more sense from jester’s perspective: jester’s living conditions weren’t perfect by any means, but they weren’t exactly trauma central, either. she had loving, kind people in her life that allowed her to develop by encouraging what she enjoyed, as opposed to molding her a specific way. again! she was able to grow the strong parts of her personality - her hopes, her positivity, her confidence - in a way that didn’t come and bite her in the ass. she doesn’t regret anything that she did, because she has never had a reason to.

you could say that she doesn’t have enough experience to see the negative consequences of her actions, and i both agree and disagree. experience doesn’t always equate to hardships; while failure is an important part of learning, it is not the only way you learn. caleb is not necessarily more experienced because he suffered negative consequences, but because he experienced more types of consequences.

that said, she is sorely lacking in some experiences! primarily in dealing with people with different wants and opinions than her. having a loving, encouraging, but ultimately sheltered environment likely means she got to have a lot of things her way. and we see a lot of that at the start of the campaign. 

so the simplest way to say is: jester has never really had someone who dislikes her for who she is. she has never sat through a level of conflict resolution her and caleb needed, and so in an attempt to do things in the way that made the most sense for her, basically got off on the worst foot. 

and so, you know, this goes on for a while. start of campaign two is hilariously turbulent for the both of them. caleb makes nice because he sees the benefit of someone like jester in a party (and not much else), and jester isn’t going to treat caleb any differently than she does anyone else. hence, friction. 

then the money conversation / argument / caleb-smears-mud-on-his-face-out-of-spite happens. which i think really was a bigger turning point than we originally thought it would be (because the nature of the fight wasn’t too serious), mostly because caleb took forever to warm up to the party (disclaimer: i love caleb). 

it’s interesting because it’s the one of the first times we actually see... any actual conflict involving jester. most people brush jester off as the quirky weirdo at first, and doesn’t take her opinions as seriously as others. that makes sense, and jester is fine with that! but that’s what makes caleb’s reaction to jester basically saying she grew up spoiled really fascinating. 

he’s furious, and rightfully so. and caleb back then was keen on making sure he didn’t attract any attention, that unless she really struck a nerve he was just gonna nod and not think about it. but as we saw -- that’s not how it happened. i think he especially felt stung because he tried to help, because she had been distressed, but all of it backfired terribly. 

so they fight. they’re upset at each other. caleb smears mud on his face then walks away and i think it hits jester on the head that oh, what she said without thinking really did upset someone, when she hadn’t meant to necessarily make them uncomfortable. 

jester, for the limited social experiences she has, is a very empathetic person. it doesn’t take a lot from her to understand why he would have been upset by what she said, once she cares enough to consider it.

the remainder is a gradual, but noticeable change to where we are now; while it’s outdated and my opinions on details have changed, i did write a shorter meta on caleb and jester on an earlier episode point. i think the bulk of it stands true, though, so feel free to read that and then come back!

spoilers: they’re destroying me now.

a few things i did want to add: i think a lot about how out of all of the nein, the main people who notice jester’s slowly dwindling confidence are caleb and caduceus (beau, nott, and fjord notice it too, just in a slightly different way; and yasha is.... bring ashley back 2k19). caduceus pretty much has 3 million in insight so i’ll touch on that later, but fitting caleb in here is interesting!

mostly because he likely, again, experienced that dwindling confidence in finding his place in life, just in a more drastic way than jester; he pretty much hit rock bottom at the start of the campaign! he’s definitely projecting a little, but a lot of relationships are built on people projecting parts of themselves to others; it’s the easiest way to relate to another person. 

as an aside: it really is cool, and speaks to his development a ton, that caleb’s motives for helping the party have become a lot more altruistic than when i wrote the post above. he cares about them now, very, very deeply, and i have a lot of thoughts on why! this just isn’t the post for ‘em; maybe next time.

how he comforts her has changed too. before it was a lot of [ throw frumpkin at her and hope it fixes the problem ]; his attempts at bringing the party together were definitely more material in nature, compared to now.

it’s also really, really good to see jester slowly starting to see the “imperfections” in caleb ( the ones that caleb sees, anyway ), and accept them wholeheartedly. again! she is an extremely empathetic person, and once they understood each other it became a lot easier for her to actually provide the support he needed. 

it’s the subtle things; less jokes at his expense, and more ridiculous things in general. sharing porn with him because she thinks he’ll like it. and, a surplus of optimism about her outlook on life that seems to affect the top row a ton. 

they’re all in love with her. i can tell. that’s okay, jester has two hands and a tail ( i had to ). 

so, where are we now? it’s obvious enough to say that they’re friends, good friends at that! they care about each other a lot! caleb makes the softest faces at jester and jester grins so happily at him and they really do have a good thing going. 

i think the biggest change in caleb is that he trusts her enough to rely on her for things outside of her abilities. i think a lot about the conversation they had recently after talking to the scourger, and how caleb let himself be comforted by jester instead of denying her attempts completely. it speaks to the level of emotional vulnerability he is comfortable showing to the group now. 

that said: i definitely consider jester to be the group baseline for caleb. liam has mentioned multiple times that out of all of the nein, jester is the one person who he doesn’t want to share his past with. which, again, given the juxtaposition in their upbringing, makes a lot of sense! 

but the fact that he’s willing to be vulnerable with someone he didn’t want to be vulnerable is huge. the fact that he doesn’t see her optimism and ridiculousness as a weakness for the group, and instead looks to use them as strengths (how they use polymorph is a huge example) is very different than beginning-of-campaign caleb.

the biggest change in jester is that her worldview has expanded to understand what caleb needs, and how that might be different than what she needs. it wasn’t as huge strides for jester as it was for caleb, but i think that makes sense! a lot of jester’s development is internal, and reflects a lot about what she thinks of herself, whereas caleb’s development has been very external, and how he is beginning to view the people around him ( and allowing himself to be viewed ). 

but still! it’s huge! jester has two decades of solving problems a certain way, and being told that that way was all that she needed; but her ability to listen, comfort, and provide insight in ways that others in the group can’t thanks to her unique world view really helped shaped the types of conversations she had with him. 

a really, really simple way to say this is that jester started taking caleb a lot more seriously. which i think is hilarious, because you’d think that’d be more fitting for caleb’s thoughts on jester. but once she started reaching out to him to understand, the tone of their relationship changed. it seems less caleb-indulges-jester-on-nonsense and two equals who indulge each other on ridiculous nonsense, if that makes sense? 

oh that said: i do attribute a lot of caleb’s relationship changes with the party to the fact that he went through a lot of external development. definitely not the place for that here, maybe i’ll come back to it some day.

well i’m back and surprising no one i wrote like 2k words on critical role so welcome back, me. i’m rusty and rambly and i may have written things here that aren’t as poignant as i wish it was, so please forgive me if anything seems off!

[soulcrossed]

HEADCANON / VALKYRIE CAIN :   POST TDOTL RELATIONSHIPS

with a great thanks to  MAY  ( @foulefairs / @aasmahni )   for letting me ramble for a couple of hours. kind of a pt. 2 to  this ;  i’m going more into detail about her reaction to other people after her return from meek ridge,  AND  i’m explaining my interpretation of val & skul’s dynamic, their relationship in general, and how they ended up where they are. again, this is long af  ---  feel free to ask me for a tl;dr, but  please  note: i differ heavily from phase 2.

REACTION TO OTHERS

listen, here’s the thing. everybody HATES val. at least everybody she comes into casual contact with  ---  and she knows this. she expects this. that’s fair. but sorcerer politics is mainly an  image thing,  so -----  she’d not only avoid people who simply don’t like her, but also those who she  IS  on friendly / neutral terms with, if just to avoid damaging  their  reputation / career. it doesn’t really matter if people see her with skulduggery because a) skug doesn't give a shit about any of this and b) his reputation is fucked already anyway, so nothing to lose there. but say, like, fletcher? tanith? the remaining dead men? even militsa?* they’re all doing fairly well after ... everything and she wouldn’t want to make it any worse for them; wouldn’t want people to bother them  about her  and she’d. avoid them at all costs, in the beginning. anything beyond texting / skyping that isn’t case-related will be. cancelled. with the most ridiculous excuses. untill someone literally drags her out of the house. and the thing is, it doesn't really occur to her that these people  ( fletcher / tanith / dead men, other people from before )  also have major trauma she might possibly help them work through with providing the opportunity to  talk,  to get  closure,  since, you know, she played a major part in  causing  that trauma.  ( val is still self-centred at heart. she tries to take others into consideration, especially after tdotl and her exile but like. she's trained this into her since she was twelve and she didn’t really have any chances to work on that when completely isolated; it's a habit that is going to take her  A LOT  longer to unlearn. essentially, it’s good intention with bad results  ------  it’s partly fear for her friends’ reputations, and partly because she is simply not ready to confront  everything,  at least not all at once. listen. my girl needs therapy. badly. )   valkyrie feels so GUILTY looking at everyone and  still  has it so ingrained in her that she's bad for people. and she comes back to work on that because she feels  ready  to  work on that  again but? she's still super convinced that Any Association With Her is Bad. essentially, she’s still very in her head about it, and isolates herself  again  for a good while, just. on the same continent, this time.

( * i don’t personally like militsa’s attitude of almost-stanning val and i find the “hey so i was attacked by a lady with parasites coming out of her hands” - “haha was she hot” interaction ... questionable.  especially  with blandy’s track record of fetishizing lesbians / the train wreck that was dem.on ro.ad so. i’m not,, comfortable with blandy’s canon stuff. i’m willing to work something out with militsa muses but that’s something that needs to be  carefully  plotted out, especially if it goes into ship territory. note: at this point in time, i have not read bed.lam. )

gordon’s mansion / grimwood becomes her safe space and she does  NOT  do well with having that invaded. xena is a part of that, skulduggery is tolerated  ( in sight! she’s  very  uncomfortable with people in her space. especially when they’re off somewhere making noises --- she forgets they’re there and she’s  jumpy )  and very, very occasionally her parents  ( and only in the living room / in sight as well )  it’s just. hard for her to coexist with living beings again, it’s something she has to  RELEARN.  this also ties into meetings  ------  ALWAYS on neutral ground / preferably in the mortal world somewhere. and even then, she’s going to be twitchy. she has emergency plans memorized. she’ll want to call it off and she’ll want to take the opportunity to Run. she’s not going to, but--- things are hard and uncomfortable and when has val cain ever dealt with things like this properly? 

the thing is, dealing with other people, especially people she used to know, brings on a whole different type of guilt, and not one she can actively think about, at least not at first. there's a disparity between the "i almost destroyed the world and killed a shitton of people including my sister" kinda guilt  ( which is about an objectively bad thing )  and the "i left literally everyone to deal with the fallout of this, and i'm pretty sure i would've just made it worse in the state of mind i was in then, but what if i've been making it worse on other people after all and oh my god there's no way to know what would've been right and no matter what i would've done my existence is just not right" type of guilt that goes. a little deeper.  ( because  also  that was her active choice, just like alice. )  and it takes her a little longer to confront that than it does for the other things.

it’s going to take a lot of time and work for her to reintegrate herself and learn how to be around people again  ------ especially since said people have moved on with their lives. she's not a part of that anymore after five years in exile literally not speaking to anybody. and a big part of her coming back is a) accpeting her decisions and b) integrating herself in a sort of community again, if just so they can peacefully coexist without her having a panic attack every time she randomly meets someone on the streets or at the sanctuary. in summary, my interpretation has a long road ahead of her to work through things with most other canon characters.

RELATIONSHIP TO SKULDUGGERY

this also goes for skuldug  -----  and as an  IMPORTANT NOTE:  skul forcing her back into working cases is not part of my canon. it’s just bull, imho, and it goes against both how i interpret val and their dynamic as a whole. she comes back from america because she (thinks she)'s ready. she  decides  to go on cases again, but few and far between, and besides that mostly (really) keeps to herself and won't set foot into roarhaven if she can help it. and  THAT's  were skuldug pressures her ------ the getting back to roarhaven / old friends / acquaintances / the magical community itself; he knows she  needs  to find this connection again, and as i said,  she  knows it too, she just. avoids it at all costs, otherwise. when she’s not ready for  case work,  though, skulduggery couldn’t pull her back into that if he tried. if she learned anything in america it's  independence  and how to make her own decisions, and she's starting to stand firmer on that. before, she always had it somewhere in the back of her mind that she needed to impress skul to some degree, at least subconsciously. this is gone, now. don’t get me wrong, they’re still codependent af for reasons i will get into below, but val did become a lot more independent in her decision making in those five years. she's a lot less succeptible to skuldug's suggestions and she does, sometimes, put his ego in check  ( he's not getting away with ignoring issues anymore. he needs to actively apologize and confront them. death bringer level sneaking back into her good graces doesn't work anymore. )

the thing is. in those five years, val spent  A LOT  of time dissecting their relationship. and she  knows  it's very codependent and unhealthy and not good, but no matter how she turns and twists it,  none of this could've gone any other way.  she spends so much time on constructing alternate realities in her mind, changing details upon details, but they always would've ended up just the same. she always would've ended up on that first case with him, because it was her uncle, and because it was magic. what kid would decide to not go after that? and YES skuldug probably should've been a responsible adult, but then. she was literally the first one who believed him and didn't try to gaslight him about serpine.  ( she also spent a lot of time dissecting skug's personality and history. she never brings it up to him, though. )  so, yeah. he kept her around. the serpine issue is resolved and i think he actually would have made her walk away then, except by then, val has pretty much seen it all. she knows china, tanith and the sanctuary and where to find / how to contact them. and people know HER now. serpine's old goons know her name. she's a dot on the magical radar now and she knows this, and she thinks skuldug knew this and tanith, too, and that's why they agreed to train her. by the time faceless ones rolls around she's in too deep. skuldug was her connection to the magic world and to being a detective, a job she loves. skuldug comes back and he feels like he owes her, he'll always owe her. and when they discover the other's respective Murder Alter Ego, they're screwed, because no one else knows and there's no way anymore they can deal with this alone. they need this one person who loves and who they know will support them anyway. and is this fair to put on a teen? absolutely not. and val  RECOGNIZES  that. but she also knows that darquesse would've found a way, anyway, after the point she was introduced to magic. so from the point her uncle left her the scepter, essentially, she was doomed. 

and to sum up this way too long meta: val is VERY aware of all the ways her relationship to skul is just a little fucked up and she doesn't actively defend HIS choices, but she'll defend her  OWN  choices. because of her own issue about agency, her own choices are what she can really rely on  ( and lay blame upon )  so any conversation about her relationship to skulduggery is always going to be kinda uncomfortable and frustrating with everyone who tries to talk to her about it because. she see their point? but it doesn't change anything. they ended up where they ended up, and besides the fact that it, in her opinion, couldn’t have gone any other way, she also wouldn’t have  wanted  it to. she loves him. not necessarily in a familial or a romantic way, but simply because after everything they’ve been through and everything they  are  and are to each other, there’s just. no way not to. in the context of all of this  ( context most people lack! as they don’t know about the vile issue and barely know anything about the whole darquesse situatione except  evil worldbreaker )  that’s just. the way it is. plain and simple. she'll always stand by him and she knows he’ll always stand by her, no matter what. and that might not be good  ( for them or the world at large )  and it might not be right but that's what her character is like, as i see it.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

It's hard to take you seriously and respect you when you're one of 'those' who say Mary KILLED Sherlock. Is he a zombie, or what? She shot him, he survived, no one was killed. Stop forcing your anti-Mary bullshit on this fandom.

*snorts* One of “those”? Did you even read ANY of my Mary meta, of which I’ve many many many of them and have written about consistently for 3+ years, within all of which I state countless times that I don’t hate Mary, rather that I hate that the writers ruined an amazing character? Or are you talking about how I absolutely don’t “force” any anti-Mary bullshit, rather I present my case and let people take what they want from it? What the hell are you on about, Anon?

You know, I’m not going to waste my time trying to reason with you, Anon, and put a tonne of links like I do on all of these Mary stan posts, mainly because y’all never EVER read them and try to counter my arguments even though I already answered literally everything when I link over 50 meta EVERY SINGLE TIME, and I STILL have asshats like you come to my inbox, being all ridiculous by demanding I stop telling people my opinion on MY OWN BLOG, which people CHOOSE to come to. Quite frankly I am tired of it. I have never ONCE told my followers they HAVE to abide by my beliefs. As with all my meta, I present my evidence and let people decide for themselves. And if they don’t like it, rather than being a coward like you and hiding behind Anonymous to send me hate asks and be – quite frankly – a dick, they just move on with their lives. Seriously, why hide behind Anon if you support your belief so hard? Is it because you know that I might actually have a point? You DO know it’s okay to disagree with other people, right?

That said, because you’ve ruffled my feathers, it is CANON that Mary Killed Sherlock. She said she was going to kill him, and Sherlock HIMSELF SAYS MARY MURDERED him – which, if you didn’t know, is a synonym for the word “kill” – in HLV. HE FLATLINED ON THE GODDAMNED OPERATING TABLE, to the point that the SURGEONS LEFT HIS SIDE. Sherlock ONLY SURVIVED because his brain forced his heart to start again. Mary returned WITH A SILENCER ON HER GUN TO FINISH THE JOB. Sherlock acknowledged at Leister Gardens that she can’t kill him because her face is projected on the wall.  THAT’S ALL SURFACE LEVEL SHIT. I’m so confused??? Are… are you watching a completely different show than me and the rest of the people who think Mary killed Sherlock? I’m genuinely curious how you’re not seeing that as “killed Sherlock”? Jesus Christnuggets, you DO KNOW you can be considered dead in real life and then be resuscitated, right? I love how y’all think “kill” = “zombies”… like what even are you talking about??

Honestly… Anon, I seriously pity you that the only way you feel better about yourself is to shit on other people’s readings of the show. And I pity you that you can’t see that Mary is a cruel person, which is why she would have made an amazing villian. Like… you DO realize you’re LITERALLY doing what you claim I allegedly do to other people right? Force your opinion and tell me to stop? That’s what I don’t get about these Hate Anons. Y’all are literal hypocrites. *shrugs* 

Jesus Christnuggets, Anon, seriously, get off Tumblr for awhile, because if ONE POST riles you up this much, you’re in WAY too deep. Listen, I genuinely don’t care if a grey-faced anon doesn’t respect me, we’re all here to have fun and quite frankly, your acting like your shit don’t stink is kinda ruining it for all of us. Anon, I’m worried about you. Seriously, it’s faster to just move on than to get your blood pressure up and write a hate comment. It’s better for your mental health to just block my “the mary problem” tag or my blog-name and you’ll NEVER have to see my posts again, imagine that.

Let’s be real, if Mary was a dude and did half the shit she did in S3 and S4, you’d all be saying she’s a villain *shrugs*

Anyway, I’m genuinely tired. Good night.

[zeitism]

First off: Do not reblog this. I was nice enough to leave a few personals in my followers list, don’t make me regret it. This meta is mainly for me to kind of get things straight in my own head.

Like with every single post where I try putting my thoughts into words, this is gonna be rambly and go every which way. Read if you want or don’t.

Mephisto is... such a stupidly complicated character. And he, I think, more than any character within this series, is so ridiculously open to interpretation by each and every single individual who sees him. Frankly, I don’t think any of us who aren’t Kazue Kato will every really come to capital T Totally understand him or his motives for his actions. 

Not long after chapter 109 dropped, someone in the big fandom Discord server started talking about how they were worried/believed Mephisto is actually some big bad antagonist hiding in plain sight. And yea, I can see where one might get that idea. Mephisto isn’t exactly subtle. He drives home the point that he’s a demon. He shouldn’t be expected to act human?

Let me just... Try to break things down. Both so I myself can get a grasp on things and so that others here might as well.

Mephisto isn’t tied down by our human bullshit. Moral and emotions and fear of consequences for actions taken. He seems very much like a “The ends always justify the means” type. He takes action. Actions humans are too weak to take for themselves. 

In chapter 66 Mephisto says that he was testing everyone. 

Yes, everyone is a piece in “his game”. He had a hand in each and everyone one of their lives which lead them all to where they are. As I said before in other posts (that I believe I’ve deleted because personals reblogged them or something) Mephisto can’t actively control people. He can’t reach into their heads and make them do exactly what he wants. They have to do things of their own accord.

Do people just not understand that there is no such thing as "right and wrong", "good and bad"? They're strictly human consumpts and mean nothing at all outside of humanity. Which Mephisto, and others, clearly state time and time again that he is. It's like- You can't DO that. You can't simultaneously shun Mephisto from your kind and your world yet still expect him to act according to your moral and ethical principles! 

Like when Rin tells Mephisto that he can't treat people like that in chapter 66- I really just. "You can't, what with your “consciences" and all that-" He's the only one that's willing and able to do the shit that needs to be done in order to get the best possible outcome for humanity.  

Humans always want to try and find the easy way out. The safe way out. Mephisto doesn't. He sees what needs to happen and does his best to guide people down that path, all the while planning ahead who knows how many steps in order to always be able to counteract the fact that humans are so fucking self-destructive. Just as likely to be working against their best interests as for them if they perceive things one way or another. And he may not have emotions like humans do, but he sure as hell knows how they work. 

Like, he was around humans even before breaking off from Lucifer and founding the Order. If there were ever a master of human physiology, it would be Mephisto. He’s lived and worked closely with humans for over two hundred years now, and again was around them even longer before that. He knows what makes them tick, knows how to look for and study and use all their little triggers and ticks and thought processes and use them to get what he needs out of them. Everything is fine-tuned to each person. 

Like the way, he overworks Yukio to the point he betrays his only living family and his friends. Things were piled and piled and piled on top of him until he finally broke under the weight of it all. Without that happening, Rin would have never fully awakened (well he would but it wouldn't be at the right time), and wouldn't be in the past learning everything Yukio was just plain too desperate to know. He’s consumed by it. By the need for knowledge and now, power. Because for whatever ridiculous reason he sees himself as weak and useless when, frankly, he’s not. 

And on that note of Rin being in the past- When he saw his newborn self start murdering people straight out of the friggin’ womb- I firmly believe that this is going to be important to Rin’s character development. We saw that, way back in Kyoto, Rin somewhat starting to acknowledge his demon-ness. No, he didn’t ask to be born. Didn’t ask to be born the way he was. But he is here and he’s going to make the best of it. Mephisto is, I believe, pushing this acceptance of himself along. Showing Rin that, yea, he started out as this way, but look what he is now. That little fire-clad baby chewing a mans face off is now the teenage boy who would, and has, put his life on the line to save his friends. 

When Demon!Rin started breaking through whatever little pocket dimension Mephisto stuffed Rin’s demon heart into, did he just let it happen? No. He let him throw his little fit for a couple seconds then popped him back in his time-out corner. Then stuffed Rin in a corner of his own to chill out and get a grip on himself again. 

While still on this note, it’s safe to say Rin isn’t actually spending all those years watching Shiro and Yuri grow up. He’s been bouncing back and forth between points in time- Possibly even beyond Mephisto’s control, as we saw him be surprised at one point that the started out in one year, went forward five (Don’t quote me on that), and then went back again.

And he’s still not seen the reason he and Yukio were allowed to live. What made Shiro go from “I’m going to save Yuri by killing her monster children” to “That boy is MY son”, so I think time is possibly frozen at the point where Rin started losing control of his emotions and gets locked away to chill for a while and get them back under control. Which is the whole reason Mephisto sent him back in time in the first place? He even said to himself. 

That “The reality that your brother must accept isn’t the past. The past what you must accept”. Rin needs to fully accept himself for who and what he is if he actually wants to be of any use. Wasn’t that the whole overarching point in the Kyoto sage? He couldn’t draw his sword and use his flames until he stopped fearing them? 

There’s also the other character arcs- Where we saw that Mephisto got to Renzou before the Illuminati did, and knew full well that he would be a spy not only for the Order, for but for the Illuminati as well once they did get to him. And there’s Izumo- It’s probably safe to assume that the blonde woman who got Tsukumo (her little sister) out of the Inori lab was one of the Order’s other spies Mephisto talks about. Mephisto put her in a safe place without telling Izumo because it would likely impede her own growth. He knew about her past, knew where she was taken, knew what was going to happen to her, and yet sent the gang out to rescue her all on their own. And with Yukio leading, too. Putting him in charge of their safety. 

I got off point again, I’m sure, but when talking about Mephisto- I feel it’s important to provide context. Or maybe I’m just rambling like an idiot and wasting everyone's time. 

Mephisto isn't "good", because that doesn't exist But he's sure as hell far from "bad", because doesn't exist either. He’s an asshole. An annoying, creepy, cryptic little bastard, who by his own admission “knows everything”, yet never tells anyone anything until he sees fit or just not at all. Letting them find things out for themselves. 

When Rin got all up in Mephisto’s face in chapter 66, Mephisto was nearly fed up with him. It’s not HIS fault Rin can’t see the bigger picture in things. It’s not HIS fault humans have their ridiculous senses of right and wrong. And Mephisto lets his irritation show by quoting one of the last things Shiro said to Rin on the day he died.

A dick fucking move, right? Stabbing a knife straight through one of Rin’s weakest sore spots? Rin kind of deserved it, really. Getting all up in Mephisto’s face like he did, flames and all, going on about how evil Mephisto COULD be, and why he should listen to him in the first place, never listening to him when Mephisto tells him that he is not their enemy. 

And when kid Shiro also got all hands-y with Mephisto- Telling him how one day he’d tear out Mephisto’s throat with his teeth. Which- Fair, right? Shiro grew up in an awful place and suffered through things that no one should. Yet Mephisto still told him the truth of it. How Shiro was creatated by Mephisto for a purpose and one way or another, and he can make all the threats and promises he wants, but he’s still going to fulfill that purpose. Which he does in the end. Oh, he killed and killed and killed demons, became Paladin- But in the end, he was a sacrifice to a demon. A sacrifice to Satan to save the life of a child he once vowed to kill and instead raised as his own. He was also a sacrifice to make Rin draw his sword and start this whole adventure. 

It’s so easy to look at Mephisto through the eyes of an ignorant, simple-minded human. To take him and his actions at face value. But when you try to look past that, I think, the picture becomes more clear. 

Again, no, Mephisto isn’t “good”. He’s no Arthur, he’s no Rin, he’s Mephisto. He’s a “person” using his means and his skills to ensure the continuation of the human race. Yea, those methods are cruel. He has done and will continue to do horrific and inhumane things to people. But they have their purposes. Without what happened to Shiro, how he came to be and what he went through, he would not have been the man he was. You know that “You must simply live on” quote he said to Shura? It came from knowing life will constantly chew you up and spit you out, but it’s important to roll with the punches and make the best out of the scars they leave behind.  

Without awakening and watching the only father he’s ever known die right before his eyes, without Yukio shooting and basically (down right) killing him, Rin would not be in the past right now, learning the why of it all. Yukio, too, would not be own his path of self-discovery/acceptance. The jury is still out on what exactly he’s going to find while in the Dominus Liminis. 

[problemsofabooknerd]

My Personal Sexuality Journey

Pride Day 6!

Check out the intro to my Pride project here.

For the past few days, I have mainly been discussing books on this blog. Which is, hey, the topic of the blog so that makes sense! But today I want to get a bit more personal. I identify as a lesbian, but that has not always been the case, so today we’re going to get into the nitty gritty of my sexuality journey. It’s... long.So, I hope you’re all ready. 

So, to begin with, I am not one of those “well, I’ve just always known” sort of people when it comes to being hella queer. I grew up in a hyper-religious area in Utah, and we were not exposed to a lot of queer content in any variety. My parents were always cool with The Gays, but it wasn’t a topic that was really openly discussed. I think Glee was possibly my first exposure to a visibly queer character, and that show started when I was in high school. So, basically, I didn’t have any inklings I might not be straight until college. But first, let’s go back to high school a bit.

When I was a junior in high school I managed to nab a boyfriend for about a minute and a half. The thing about being attracted to girls when you don’t really know that’s an option is that, at least in my experience, you start to assume attraction must just feel like ah, I would very much like to be friends with that person. This is probably what a crush is. I’m not saying that’s not an authentic way to crush, because I definitely think it is, but when I was young and sure of my heterosexuality, I rationalized that the desire for friendship and hanging out was actually me wanting a relationship. 

I hung out with lots of guys in high school. They were cool, awkward, nerdy guys and I liked being friends with them. I also knew they liked me, so I was willing to go on dates or to dances should one of them ask.Which is how I wound up with my high school boyfriend. He was sweet, we shared a sense of humor, and I loved being around him. Shockingly, it was whenever he wanted to move past friendship activities that I felt stifled and uncomfortable. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, that fear or that resistance, but I knew that I couldn’t continue forwards in a relationship. I ended it, frustrated because I felt like I was losing a close friend rather than a romantic partner. It was a ridiculously confusing and frustrating time all around.

After high school, I went on a date with a friend’s cousin. He was what I perceived as my type, awkward and nerdy, and I knew he liked me. We went to his place after dinner and he tried to make out with me while I argued that he was missing important plot points of the first episode of Sherlock. He was shoving his tongue in my mouth and I was upset because they were dropping hints on screen that would be revealed later and oh my god when they break down the mystery at the end you are going to be so confused.

So.... that was one of the gayer situations of my gay life.

In college, I moved out of Utah and across the country to New Jersey where I attended an exceedingly queer liberal arts college. The new friends I was making were - at least I assumed at the time - the first gay people I had ever met. This later turned out to be absurd, as I’m not the only person at my high school who has since come out. But here they all were! Queer, vibrant, and proud. And I was so excited to be a part of a world where you could be who you are, even though I knew I was definitely, absolutely, without question the Straightest™ person I knew. 

Cut to me meeting a girl my second day of orientation. Cut to me suddenly being thrust into a friendship a lot more intense than any other friendship I had been a part of. Cut to the end of Freshman year.

My second year, I became roommates with The Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll stop being all weird and secretive. Most of you know I fell for my roommate, and that her name was Janel. But my college self, who was confused by attraction and by what the intensity of certain feelings towards people meant, had no idea. 

Despite the fact that the people around me were telling me that what I was describing was clearly romantic, I didn’t want to admit to myself they might be onto something. I was even confronted a few times about how I identified at school. Here I was, this girl with short hair who was super close to her roommate. Like, we held hands. It was, um, super gay. It was super, super gay and I wouldn’t talk about it.

 I knew I might want to kiss her. I also knew I didn’t want to be one of Those Girls that makes out with their queer friend and then backs out immediately. 

See, because the thing was, I knew she wasn’t straight. And that added whole other levels to the situation. I knew if I kissed her she wouldn’t mind. And that was a big, open possibility that scared me right to the back of the questioning closet. 

What if I kiss her and I don’t feel anything?

What if she wants to kiss me back and I hurt her?

What does it mean if I want to kiss her?

What if I kiss her and I do feel something?

Am I gay?

Am I bi?

Is it just her?

What if I hurt her what if I hurt her what if i hurt her?

That’s basically the first semester of sophomore year in a nutshell. And then, one night, things reached a tipping point of sorts. We were playing Friends trivia and drinking absolutely foul sweet tea vodka and lemonade. We were beyond drunk, and when she asked how I would feel about her kissing me, I said she should.

When I woke up the next day, I was scared. And I panicked. Because it had definitely meant something, but that meant I wasn’t straight. And I didn’t know how to deal with a self that wasn’t straight. I had no blueprint for that, so I said it didn’t mean anything. And I hurt her.

The thing is, I always take time coming to terms with things. I’m not necessarily scared of change, but I’m scared of becoming someone new. Because I don’t know that person, and I’m intimidated by people I don’t already know. I’m scared of telling others the ways I have changed, and forcing them to relearn me. It feels like a process, changing part of your identity, and that process was too big to conceptualize. So I made bad choices, I ran, and I spent a month and a half of winter break trying to decide who I was.

When I came back to school, I felt like I had a new version of myself I could live with. My personal identity, the words I used, they didn’t matter. What mattered is that I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Thus began the portion of my life where I identified as idk I guess I’m just attracted to pretty people. I think I stole that one from Orange is the New Black, probably because that show is terrified of saying the word B-I-S-E-X-U-A-L. Shhh, don’t let the showrunners know that it’s real and out there!

After a while, I got into the bi pride side of tumblr. It vibed with me and how I felt about myself. Part of being able to accept my same gender attraction came from Korrasami - two bi girls who fell for each other in Legend of Korra. It came from reading miles of Dean Winchester is bi meta. And finally, after a few months, I was able to accept that label for myself. I had a boyfriend in high school and I thought David Tennant was pretty, which meant of course I still had to fit my relationships with men somewhere into my sexuality. I was bisexual, and I wore that word with pride.

It took a really long time to not identify as bi anymore. I mean, when I semi-came out to my grandmother I was still using the word “bisexual” to describe myself. I wouldn’t tell anyone else that word, anyone but Janel, but it felt like maybe it was a place for me to meet in the middle. To still know myself, but to know myself better. I could be the person I was, but I could also be someone new.

For a while on YouTube I was like ~undercover gay~. Like, in a “everyone knows” way but also in an “I don’t talk about it” way. My family watched my channel, and I wasn’t ready for that conversation. I adored my girlfriend, but there was still this constant underlying terror that I would hurt everyone around me if I changed again. If I told my family my identity, and it changed, I didn’t know how anyone would be able to deal with it. I didn’t know if I would be able to deal with it. 

I was also terrified of the word “lesbian”, but like that’s a whole other list of internal shit I don’t want to get in to because this post is long enough as it is. 

When I finally started to use the word “gay”, it felt like a step in the right direction. But it was also a tiptoe. I said it, terrified people would come out of the woodwork asking about my past relationships and interest in men. That they would confront me for thirst posting about popular tumblr dudes on my fandom blog. I whispered the word and it maybe felt right, it maybe felt like a little zing in my chest, but it also felt like leaving a part of myself behind. Maybe a part I wasn’t comfortable with and never had been, but still this definite chunk of who I had been was just no longer a part of how I was identifying myself.

And that’s fucking terrifying. 

Gradually, lesbian became my word. It became a word that encapsulated why I never felt fully comfortable around men. Why I didn’t want relationships with them. It became an affirmation for the fact that I had always had an underlying attraction to women. I felt more confident when I saw Willow Rosenberg, a girl who had a boyfriend in high school, identify confidently as a lesbian in college. Because that was my story and it was ok for that to be my word. It helped me feel more confident in my attraction to women in general, and in that confidence I was able to recognize a difference in how I felt about men.

My sexuality journey was long, and it was difficult. It involved trying things that were scary, and stepping out of a self I knew to find a self I loved so much more. The confidence I found in grasping and being able to explain new parts of my identity made me happier and stronger than I had ever been in my life. Lesbian is my word. I use gay, I use queer. They are all me. But when I walked at Pride this year, it was a lesbian flag I had pinned on. Because it encapsulates me and makes me feel safe.

It makes me feel proud.

Now, real fast at the end here, a couple of notes. Bisexual was a stepping stone word for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s a stepping stone sexuality. It was a word I needed to help me figure out who I was, but that does not remotely encapsulate what being bisexual is. I have known girls who used lesbian and then knew that the word bisexual was more theirs. I have seen people who always knew that bisexual was their word. So I am in no way putting my experiencing of identifying as a person with multiple gender attraction on some kind of all-around temporary status. Bisexual peeps, your word is valid and so are you.

Also, my word doesn’t mean I eliminate trans folks. The word lesbian includes trans women, and I’m not here to have an asinine argument with anyone about that. Just putting it out there.

This was a long one, but sexuality is so goddamn difficult and it took years for me to start to learn about myself. And I’m still learning. Maybe I’ll find a new word someday that fits like a glove, and that will be scary but it will also be okay. And if you don’t have your word yet, and maybe you don’t want a word, that’s okay too. The most important thing is finding a way to be happy with yourself, whatever way you choose to package it. It’s about doing research, trying scary things, and maybe feeling like you can find a way to know yourself a little better one day at a time. 

Alright, that’s where I am going to wrap up. Thanks so much for reading about my messy process of self discovery, and feel free to share your own stories too - in a reblog or a message. You are all beautiful and your experience is valuable. I’m just here to share a little bit of mine. 

[distant-rose-archive-blog]

Hey Rose! I was wondering who the Little Pirates favorite siblings are (not including Henry) and why. Thanks! I love all of your series but Little Pirates is my favorite. :)

Hi darling~ Thank you so much for reading the series. It legit does lift my heart every time someone sends me love in my ask box. I’m always stunned that people actually read the bloody thing and can follow it considering how much I jump around the timeline.

You just made me cringe because Henry is like the default answer to all of them. I’m not sure if you’ve read any of the ridiculous and numerous meta posts I make, but the siblings’ relationships are…rocky and interesting. There’s a lot of infighting between Harrison, Wes and Beth and poor Neddy, because he’s so much younger than everyone is, is kinda just seen perpetually as The Baby™ so no one really takes him seriously and he’s not nearly as close, I guess, as the three tend to be despite said infighting.

I wrote A LOT so I’m putting it under the cut:

Harrison: Probably Neddy because he causes him the least amount of headaches and respects Harrison’s more introverted tendencies since Neddy himself is a bit reserved. They aren’t necessarily the closest, but they have the most understanding of each other, but as said before, Neddy is probably Harrison’s default favorite since Henry is out of the running. Henry IS his favorite sibling though. They have a very strong bond, which I actually will feature more in the future because I haven’t but it’s so just so important to Harrison’s development because Harrison’s relationships with his parents are a bit complex emotionally, not because Emma and Killian are terrible parents but because of how Harrison views them and who they are to the community and then comparing who he is to community by comparison. A lot of anxiety, self-imposed pressure, self-loathing and insecurity there and for the most part, because he’s so reserved, he doesn’t talk about it with anyone but Henry who completely understands. So it’s hard for me to just completely disqualify Henry from the running, but since we are, Neddy because Harrison has never had to arrest him and doesn’t have to haul him out of trouble constantly like he does with Wes and Beth, who are just mischievous and very wild spirits. Though his relationships with Beth and Wes do get better. Wes and Harrison kinda have a better understanding of each other when they reach their 20s. It honestly takes Wes becoming a father to his daughter Gina to make Wes understand Harrison. Harrison does A LOT of damage control for that to happen though. Beth and Harrison also get closer mainly out of concern for Wes, whose life kinda gets crazy, and because Harrison was the only person to really accept Jim into the family without some reservations. Harrison is without a doubt the Michael Bluth of this family, except without the dead wife. Nas and him have a long life together as husband and wife and therapist and patient. Ha.

Wes: This is really hard because Wes’s relationships with his siblings are so complex. I could write an entire thesis on the Harrison and Wes relationship. There’s just so much resentment and jealousy towards Harrison from Wes who views his older brother as “the perfect one.” Granted, they get along better when they’re older - like in their mid-twenties when Harrison does legit pull Wes’s ass out of the fire and helps him get his life back together without asking anything in return. So, their relationship really doesn’t have a lot of positives until their like 20s and still it’s kinda tentative at best. Wes and Beth have very similar personalities and have clashed more in their lives then they’ve gotten along. They did kinda hate each other as kids and that’s mainly because Wes viciously picked on his sister mainly out of frustration to Killian’s kinda blatant favoritism towards Beth (and yes, she is undeniably his favorite. Parents do have favorites, and it’s just the unfortunate truth of the matter. Parents deny it, Killian denies it until he’s blue in the face but Beth definitely receives A LOT of favorable treatment from their father.) HOWEVER, during their teenage years, Wes and Beth are very close and kinda team up a lot because they both are kinda in that “rebel without a cause” stage, enjoy going to parties and sneaking cigarettes. However, towards their mid-twenties, they have a huge falling out because Beth *spoiler alert* gets rid of her magic to try and save the woman she loves (this fails but it’s beside the point). Wes sees this as an act of self-violence and an abomination because he sees magic as elemental to who they are, which is a view that Beth does not share.  Their relationship never quite recovers from this. Wes and Neddy…they’re okay. Like they don’t have a lot of the same interests. Wes is more into magic and music while Neddy is more into sports and being a nerd. Wes honestly kinda ignored Neddy for the most part growing up unless he needed him for something. So, this question is really hard because once again, the only sibling Wes views in the most positive light is Henry because Henry understood that Wes was acting out mainly because of his jealousy towards his siblings, his own negative self-image and how he’s just trapped in the role of “the bad kid” which he isn’t really. He’s got some darkness to him, but I wouldn’t just write him off as the bad kid because he does put his heart in the right place most of the time. So you just made my life difficult with this question. I would have to say that from ages 1 - 12, Wes had no preferred sibling, 13 - 24 probably Beth because they had their party hard stage together and 25+ probably Harrison.

Beth: Probably a tie between Harrison and Neddy. I kinda explained the relationship Beth has with Wes above. They do party together in their teens, but he never holds the favorite spot with her mainly because she does remember how much he kinda tormented her as a kid and never really forgot it. As mentioned previously, Harrison bails both of them out a lot over the course of their lives. Harrison has kinda always been Beth’s teddy bear protector and though he’s the most nonviolent out of them, he does actually throw Beth’s asshole ex (Benny the one who broke up with her when she thought she was pregnant) over a fence after overhearing him talk shit about his sister. Beth yelled at him for this but always appreciated it. And as mentioned previously, they get closer to each other after the huge falling out between Wes and Beth and out of concern for their brother whose 20s are best described as “NOT OKAY.” She appreciates him a lot but mainly when she’s older. Now moving onto Neddy and Beth…If you have been reading A Once and Future Thing, Beth mentions her family a lot and the sibling she mentions the most is Neddy. Neddy and Beth are very close, which is ironic because Beth was the most resistant to the idea of having a younger sibling. She hated the very idea, but from the moment he could crawl, but he just followed her around constantly. He thought she was the coolest for being alway to fight the boys. He’s always been her biggest supporter outside of Killian and Jim. 

Neddy: Beth is his favorite. We’ve kinda covered Neddy’s relationships with his sibs when discussing the other siblings but I will expound upon his feelings. I keep talking about Henry, but I will only do so here to say that Henry and Neddy aren’t as close to each other as Henry is to the others. I didn’t talk about Henry in Beth’s section, but if you’ve read the series prior, you know that Henry is the first adult she goes when she’s in trouble and he’s more like an uncle than a brother. The age gap between Henry and Neddy is a whopping 25 years so Henry is more focused on his life with his daughter than he is with his youngest brother. Neddy is only like a year and a half older than Lucy in this series. So yeah, they love each other but his relationship with Henry is a lot different than the older three. Neddy prefers Beth mainly because she doesn’t treat him like a baby as much as the others do. Like Harrison and Wes do have a habit of just continually seeing him as 5 years old constantly, which is annoying to him. Though Harrison is just as willing to help him out as Beth is. He just sees Beth as this super strong person and that’s mainly because he’s lived his life watching his tiny ass sister hold her own against her much bigger brothers. I mean Wes isn’t nearly as big as Harrison but he’s much taller and wider than Beth who is a stick her entire life. So, he was just always impressed with her. Beth, of course, takes forever to realize this. She kinda doesn’t get it until she sees a project at school for his class called “My Biggest Hero.” And most people wrote about their parents or celebrities or whatever, and Neddy wrote “My biggest hero is my sister because she kicks a lot of butt.” He was like in first grade and this prior to the baseball obsession, but she was really touched by it. And along with Harrison, she would help him practice his swing. When Beth ends up in the Enchanted Forest and no one knows where she is and some people think she’s dead, Neddy never gives up on her and even beats a kid up for implying she’s dead. He does however get mad at her during her revenge stint for just running off without a word, but it’s really emotional when they reunite. She goes to his college baseball game without telling him she’s back and he is just so startled by her appearance that they have to take him out of the game and he immediately leaves the dugout to hug her. He gets benched for it but it was worth it to him.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on these guys and their relationships that I could write an entire book. Ha. Sorry for the word vomit.