#lyrics that explicitly said “i miss who i used to be” and youre just gonna say that lines about virginity.

[crunchycrystals]

i hate interpreting "give me back my girlhood it was mine first" as being about just virginity mostly because it feels so much more meaningful if you allow yourself to interpret it as your younger self and the childhood innocence you had that got taken from you but also because i hate the idea of calling someone's virginity their "girlhood"

[kamiversee]

oooOOH okay - the way i forgot abt the songs BUT i'm gonna have to straight up make a playlist for these men (as if i don't do the same thing when i'm writing anywaysss)

incoming YAP SESH

so when you mentioned it in the last chapters, i immediately went back listened to 'sober' [childish gambino] BUT i forgot abt 'die for you' [the weeknd] sooooo he's a mini gojo analysis for that song for all my fellow gojo girlies (RAAA):

'i just can't say i don't love you / cause i love you'

this one is obvi lmao the way bro is like "hey btw i LOVE you" every chance he gets

'you hate that you want me'

bro literally says this almost verbatim when he's like "you shouldn't care abt me" but also "it's not a crime [to miss me] love" (ch45)

'i would die for you / i would lie for you ... i would kill for you'

REALLY seein the references to this one in chapter 45 lmao when he's like "i've done worse, for you" and he's said SOOO many times that he'd do anything for you and is explicitly like "the person i am around you now is not the person who fell in love with you"

so here's where i might be wayyy off base again but - what if the list started bc of something gojo tried to do for you, to show how much he cared about you? so like order of events:

years ago, gojo does something bad (ex: hurting someone, manipulating people in your life he views as "bad") in the name of helping you -> sukuna either catches him or he needs sukunas help -> sukuna uses this info to blackmail satoru

the deal for the blackmail is that you either have to complete this list that's made to hurt gojo so badly by punishing the woman he loves AND turns her against him (which is why gojo is so set on the fact that the reader can't have feelings for him, bc he's the one who's supposed to be punished by this whole thing) OR sukuna will kill gojo

which i know is like BIG but ! think about how gojo is always saying he'd do anything for the reader: he was ready to die for her; he had no intention of doing the list. when he walks in on her in ch1 he's like genuinely surprised that an opportunity like that "presented" itself to him, so he really wasn't planning to blackmail you ever

and when you finish the list, gojo is genuinely surprised and relieved that you finish it (ch45) !!!! he's also said that there was no time limit on it but that there actually was one, that it needed to be done by the end of the year i think??? somethin like that i don't remember but that always felt weird to me, so that's probs what sukuna's deadline for gojo was

--

anywhooo i also think sukuna put choso on the list bc he felt bad for hurting him (bc i'm refusing rn to think that choso lied abt the abuse which is the basis of my other theory but it bums me out so i'm just ignoring it lmao) and sukuna saw how obsessed w you gojo was and he was maybe like "hmm ok so this girl must be somethin special" and that's why he was making you hook up w choso !

yap sesh OVER (apologies this got so long and the way i was pulling out citations lmao) i will send more theories when i'm actually awake but i just read your response to my ask and HAD to do a song analysis! love you kami xoxoxoxo

-🩷

Okay this is yap session 1/2 that I’ve received & it’s not as long as the other so I’ll reply normally!!

To start, ty for this theory & semi-breakdown!! I rlly do love reading these ><

1. I LOVE how you broke down the song reference because every lyric from that damn song applies to Mr. Gojo in this fic🙏 Die For You applies more than you guys realize but it’ll make even more sense when we finally receive his backstory <3

2. You & ☃️anon have similar theories with how this whole thing started & it’s fun to see you guys on the right track & nearly hitting the nail on the head ^.^

The first theory about Gojo & Sukuna’s situation is… it’s a wonderful theory, I’ll say that. I will not say if it’s right or wrong but, since TFL is over, I think it’s safe to say you’re definitely on the right track :)

3. The Sukuna & Choso theory at the end is OH MY FUCKING GOD. I’m going to just burn my fic plans atp because I’m pretty sure you guys somehow have access to it 😄 /hj

Anyway, don’t consider that response as me confirming what you just said but DAMN you cooked & the kitchen might be on fire! :3

TO CONCLUDE, ty for the yap sesh, I love u & these sosoosooo much !!

[screaminlonglive]

Karma is an Album

In defense of evidence of Taylor Swift’s lost album 

Alright, Swifties. It is time for a master post. There is too much evidence to support the theory of the lost album Karma, and it is time to put it all together in one place. I have done everything in my power to include any small indication of the existence of Karma, but please feel free to dm / comment with evidence not included in this post, and I will update as needed. I am going to create this document in as close to a chronological timeline as humanly possible. Strap in. 

If you can watch the Miss Americana documentary, I highly recommend that you do so and listen very carefully to Taylor Swift when she addresses the timeline surrounding this possible experience. I also will reference and recommend that you watch the long pond studio sessions. Understanding the timeline from Taylor’s perspective and hearing the way she addresses the timeline really helps put you into her shoes and understand what she could have been experiencing and what she may have gone through that may have caused her to scratch an entire album. What is Karma? For many years, Taylor Swift fans have speculated that Karma is the name (or even code name of - consider that she revealed she uses code names like with the woodvale chaos) the album that Taylor Swift was set to release in 2016. Fans theorize that Karma was shelved following the Kanye drama and Taylor Swift disappeared from the public eye for nearly a year  in November of 2016 instead of releasing her sixth studio album. Taylor “rose up from the dead” in August of 2017 to release the lead single from her album, “Look What You Made Me Do.” As much as it pains me to detail this drama, let’s recap 2016, as this is truly where the foundation of where our story begins. First, let’s talk about the Kimye drama. Unfortunately this is critical to how the Karma story plays out, so let’s take a quick review. During the VMA awards in 2009, a 19 year old Taylor Swift was accepting her moon man for Best Video of the Year. 32-year old Kanye West infamously got up on stage, took the microphone from Taylor, and said “I am really happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.” They are seen together in 2015 at the Grammys, but we won’t go too deep into the Kanye/Taylor timeline. Let’s flash-forward to February of 2016, where Taylor Swift and Kanye have seemingly mended fences to a certain extent. Kanye debuts his song “Famous,” which has the lyric “I still feel like me and Taylor might have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous (goddamn).” Facing backlash from twitter,Kanye reveals that he got permission from Taylor.  (we later learn in a statement that Taylor’s publicist Tree Paine put out that they spoke in January of 2016.) Although Taylor herself does not explicitly address the lyric, her friends come to her defense. Her younger brother Auston posts his “spring cleaning” video, trashing Kanye merch. Taylor makes history as the first woman to win AOTY twice at the grammys for 1989, and seemingly addresses how she feels about the Kanye drama in her speech. She says “"[A]s the first woman to win album of the year at the Grammys twice," Swift said, "I want to say to all the young women out there, there are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame." She continued, "If you just focus on the work, and you don't let those people sidetrack you, someday when you get where you're going, you'll look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there, and that will be the greatest feeling in the world. Thank you for this moment." Although we do not see much public drama, we can assume there was some going on behind closed doors over the next few months. Things get messy again publicly in June/July 2016. Kim Kardashin interviews with GQ and support’s Kanye's claim that he called and got Taylor’s approval for the song. Tree Paine releases a statement denying the claims, and Kanye drops the music video in late June and Kanye also appears on SNL and is recorded backstage calling Taylor “fake.”  Controversy was re-ignited by the audio clips from the 2009 VMA incident included on the video as well as most memorably, the nude wax figure of Taylor Swift Kanye is seen in bed with. Kim discusses the making of the video and the ongoing controversy in the July 17 episode of KUWTK, which is the date we reach the absolute peak of this drama. Kim also releases footage of the Taylor/Kanye phone call to her snapchat account in what’s known as “snapchatgate.” This footage is clipped, and paints Taylor out to be a liar. Kim throws more fuel on the fire with her famous “national snake day” tweet the following day, and followers flood Taylor swift with snake emojis. Taylor finally publicly explicitly address the Kanye drama with her instagram post that concludes “"I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of, since 2009” #KimExposedTaylorParty begins to trend on twitter, followed by #TaylorSwiftisoverparty. Kanye denies that he was trying to “take down taylor” in his 2016 VMAs speech. 

So what is Taylor up to during this time? 

It is important to note that up until the 2016 drama with Kimye, Taylor Swift released new albums every 2 years like clockwork: Debut- Oct 24, 2006 (last thursday in october) 

Fearless- Nov 11, 2008 (second tuesday in november) 

Speak Now -Oct 25, 2010  (last monday in october) 

Red - Oct 22, 2012(last monday in october) 

1989 -  Oct 27, 2014 (last monday in october) It is kind of interesting that with the exception of Fearless, they are all even released during the last week of October - numerically within 5 days of one another.  Her last three albums were released EXACTLY two years apart if you consider that all three albums were released on the last monday of october. I also want to point out that although Friday releases are standard, Taylor Swift has released many singles on this date, she did not adhere to this “standard” when releasing her albums. 

Taylor likes to debut a change in hair / look and this had come to signify the start of a new era in Taylor’s career. For example, she let vogue cut her bangs for the first time going into the red era and she had her hair cut at the end of red tour to signify going into 1989. 

The 1989 tour ended 12 December 2015, the day before Taylor’s 26th birthday. The Grammy’s was a couple of months later, and spring of 2016 became known as the “Bleachella” era - Taylor  went to coachella for the first time with her extremely bleach blonde hair - Vogue wanted to debut her as a “Rock ‘n Roll Chick” for the May issue (6 months pre-expected karma drop date). This is also the same cover that she does the 73 questions interview where she says “Karma is real.” 

During this time, Taylor also wrote ‘This Is What You Came For’ under pseudonym for then-bf Calvin Harris (we will discuss this later in rep era). 

Taylor performs only once this year and it is known as “The” 2016 concert for this reason. She performs a “greatest hits” concert for Formula 1. 

Taylor also was a co-chair for the 2016 Met Gala where she met Joe Alwyn this year. We can discuss Tom Hiddleston as well, but let’s just thank him for inspiring Getaway Car and move on with the timeline. Thanks, Tom. And of course after meeting earlier in the year, Taylor and Joe began to date while Taylor was in hiding. Following her timeline from the Lover Diaries, she writes that they had been dating for three months as of Jan 3, 2017. It is interesting to note that other than this entry and the entry that she made in 2016 stating that “this summer is the apocalypse,” the lover diaries are devoid of any entries after 2015. She makes no mention on the process or lyrics of reputation or lover in the way she gave us insight into other eras of her life. It could have been “too close.” at the time, but since we are going to be thorough, I felt that it was worth noting when I searched for clues in the diaries I found nothing notable other than the lack of any content from this time period. Consider the dichotomy of the experiences that Taylor was undergoing in 2016. She was simultaneously on top the world for this incredible achievement for not only a second AOTY grammy win, but in another genre. But if you listen to her describe this time in the Miss Americana Doc, you realize how incredibly alone she feels at the time. We also know  that Taylor basically spent the entire year constantly biting her tongue while kimye continued to take public shots over and over again throughout the year. 

Taylor has always written songs - she may have taken a short break but this could have been more of an issue with her record label not letting her release the kind of music that she wanted to. This was going to be the last album that she recorded with this record label and she had to be extremely **”calculated”** in her decisions surrounding TS6.Taylor was much older and wiser than when she first signed the BMR, and you cannot convince me she didn’t know what could happen to her masters. Taylor took surprise songs and RAN with them on the rep tour, and no one can ever convince me otherwise: Taylor knew that could be a sort of “bye for now,” because she had no idea what was at the end of her contract with BMR. Taylor left easter eggs about stolen masters in LWYMMD because that did not happen overnight. It may have been a wildest nightmare for Taylor, but she is smarter than to have been completely utterly shocked at how that situation played out. But let’s go back to 2016. 

Fans theorize that Karma is more of a punk / rock album and possibly was a little more aggressive and possibly angry than her previous work. She was in the business of reinvention. (Also if you haven’t seen the live “rock” version of Bad Blood,” please go do yourself a favor and watch that and then come back. We will wait.)  But with her reputation plummeting, it seemed increasingly obvious as the year progressed that it would have been a bad idea to put out an album with that kind of negative vibe at that time. This could have been her label’s decision, her decision, or a little of both.

We do know that she was very likely writing songs while she was on tour, as we know touring and being with her fans inspires her. Whether she made an entire album yet, we couldn’t say of course. But we know that Taylor never stops writing songs. It is one of her greatest outlets. To those who argue that Taylor told us “I don’t know what’s next” - are you really telling me that she was going through some of the most difficult parts of her life and not writing songs? Please. She was writing songs. You’ll note that Reputation did not have any deluxe tracks, and it is a very carefully selected, sonically cohesive 15 songs. No further explanation. Taylor created other music in this time, and no one would ever be able to convince me otherwise. 

Following the peak of the kimye drama, Taylor Swift disappears from the public eye entirely for nearly a year. She is also said to have begun recording reputation at this time as well (September 2016). Although we have considered that her Earth, Wind, and Fire cover may have referred to an anniversary with Joe, the “28th night of September,” could really represent any one of many “transition moments” happening in her life simultaneously. - possibly the moment she decided to shelve karma and create a concept album for reputation.  

Fast forward through the dark Taylor-less ages because as we know, the world moves on another day, another drama, drama. 

Taylor Swift’s social media accounts are all famously wiped clean and she starts the reputation era with a literal blank slate. She teases and releases the lead single, Look What You Made Me Do. Let's take this point to go over the (known) easter eggs for Karma in this video, followed by …Ready For It? And Delicate. There are so many easter eggs in reputation - she didn’t give public interviews during this era.  In her first interview for the lover era, she stated that she wanted to communicate with fans and she left SO MANY easter eggs in the reputation era. Particularly she notes that she likes to leave easter eggs on clothes. 

LWYMMD released 24 August 2017 (monday) 

-Digging up different iterations of herself - “digging up the grave another time.” 

-dead taylor dug herself out of her grave and then buried her other self. 

-Nils Sjöberg is pictured in the cemetery as well (anagram of ringless job?) -last video we saw was herein OOTW video - same dress 

-”the world moves on another day, another drama, drama. But not for me, not for me, all I think about is Karma.” -bird cage Taylor dress all in orange -> and sings “they once belonged to me” 

-Taylor is physically in the vault and then seen stepping out of it - a representation of her vault tracks being set loose with her re-recorded albums. 

-5 cats in the vault including taylor - blue, pink, red, yellow. We do not see them take their masks off, but they follow Taylor out of the vault unmasked. - the person in the Orange shirt last in line 

-vault within the vault in the background

-unchained handcuffs in scene where taylor hits pile of money with a baseball bat -no speak now Taylor in the tower 

-TS6 with a new Taylor - grounds the plane and it becomes “reputation” instead. 

-different Taylors at the end  

Delicate - Taylor isn't being seen

Orange columns in subway station graffiti with “Track 5”

Ready for it 

Spider boy - “I see how this is gon’ go”  - Scooter is the spider boy 

“Naked” taylor in glass closet resists change - chaining her at first but then empowers her 

-same imagery we see on the eras tour during the LWYMMD set -  with different Taylor’s in glass closets. When they break free to come after her, she is already rising above them all 

The Orange Vault Taylor becomes sort of the first “symbol” of orange as the color representing Karma. She releases two magazines, one of which is orange. Taylor also released an orange limited pressing of reputation on vinyl. Some fans theorize this is an easter egg and some think that it could have been “leftover” from the karma plans and something taylor “used up.” Since we spent all of that time talking about Kanye, I want to point out something I did not realize until I started the research for this post. I am not myself a Kanye fan, so when I saw the album cover for “Life of Pablo,” I audibly gasped. Not only does the print remind me of half of the reputation cover, the color is strikingly “karma”orange. 

Now that Taylor is back and in full force, let’s enter the lover era. Taylor makes her directorial debut with “The Man,” and we are first introduced to “The Man Wall.” in 13th street station. 

In the Lover music video, we were shown different rooms in different colors meant to represent different eras in Taylor’s career. The yellow Fearless room is upside down, much like Fearless is written backwards here. Although fans did not know what it meant at the time, many people concluded that this is how Taylor would signify where she would begin her re-recordings. She emphasized that “it’s a clock,” and at the time of this writing, the rerecords have been announced in this order: Fearless, Red, Speak Now.  If the announcements continue to follow the clock, Taylor would announce reputation, Taylor Swift (possibly?) and end with 1989. You’ll notice the other word written on the wall is the word “Karma,” once in blue and once in orange. Fans speculate that the blue Karma represents the single and the Orange at the midnight position represents the Album. Following the clock, the release schedule would go 199 -> Karma, as Taylor always intended. Note that the word “MISSING” appears atop the poster on the karma wall. Here’s where it gets even more interesting. karmaonthewall.com redirects to Taylor Swift’s website. You are greeted with a page that says “OOPS... LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING'S MISSING!” and the www. Becomes “https://www.taylorswift.com/aftermidnightsitstarts”   …. after midnights, it starts. Of course we know that she has an album called midnights. Track 11 of midnights is Karma - a sleepless night, or many sleepless nights. Some fans speculate that each thing she “lists” in the song” could correlate to a song on her lost album of the same name. There’s yet another theory that says these lists refer to other artists under scooter’s control.  It is interesting to point out that Karma is Track 11 and if she released Karma after Midnights, it would be the 11th album. When Taylor announced the track for Karma in MMWM, she broke her “usual release cycle” of videos - much like she broke her usual release cycle of the album in the first place. The “Larger Than Life” Taylor that appears in the antihero music video and in the eras tour is wearing the same outfit she wore in the MMWM announcement video for karma. This could represent many things, but I think it could nod to something “bigger” than just a song called karma. This is also a truly vintage 70’s  shirt that she is wearing, not a modern iteration of an older fashion. The spotify canvas for the song Karma is arguably orange. Blake Lively made an instagram post that mirrors “The Man Wall” with an orange background. Let’s talk about the Eras tour a little. I don’t know exactly how to describe how it felt to watch the moments leading up to the opening, but I felt a wave of immeasurable emotion at her song choices in the leading moments. When I first heard Lady Gaga’s Applause I was immediately a little sad. I thought about how Taylor was pop culture so much that pop culture became her and of course “I live for the applause,” brought up echoes of Taylor in Miss Americana talking about how all she lived for was approval. I am not gonna lie, I almost cried, and not because Taylor was coming soon. And then the countdown clock started and You Don’t Own Me came on and I felt yet another crashing wave of emotion at this choice as well. I should stop here and note that people have had many different reports on when the countdown clock starts. I have caught very few live streams in time, but I have seen 02:23 a few times and this could mean a lot of things - even representing the year she is doing this tour. I saw a fan online theorize that 02:29 could represent the leap year upcoming in 2024, but I haven’t seen a 02:29 countdown. I don’t know what it means, but I did think it was worth mentioning. Taylor would do something as completely unhinged as plan to release a skipped album on a leap day, so do not put it past her. Although, I don’t think that’s a clown car I ride in, don’t forget the “it still feels like March '' written on an orange sticky note from her spotify advertisement during the pandemic - could that be a clue? The extra day in February could refer to something that “feels like March.” Back to eras tour. It’s important to note that Taylor concludes the tour with the song Karma and walks through an orange door at the very end of the show. Much in the way that Taylor dives into her midnights era on the tour, she also walks into her karma area just after the midnights era ends. 

Let’s talk about the green folklore outfit. It’s a custom Alprerta Ferelti - the original is orange. She debuted this as well as her orange 1989 outfit at her first show on the 13th. She also performed Speak Now this night, which would soon be announced as her next re-record. I think it's safe to say Taylor is signaling with the color changes of her costume changes, and equally safe to say that no one has yet deciphered the pattern yet. I still think this is worth nothing, as Orange has become a symbol for Karma. We also need to discuss Rebekah Harkness. Yes, that one. Her third husband nicknamed her Karma. Taylor said she wanted to write the Rebekah Harkness story for a long time on long pond, and this could be a call back to many things - mostly a nod to the fact that she’d been researching and thinking about Rebekah for a long time - likely since she bought the house, aka  just before Karma would have been thought of. Taylor wore a white jacket with her albums emblazoned on it at her AMAs performance to accept her artist of the decade award. She was joined on stage by 8 kids, seemingly representing each of her albums, but only 7 albums that we knew of existed. We now have the Karma music video since the time of initial writing, and so many other easter eggs to unpack here. I love the countdown clock in the final moments of the video, but this entire post was inspired by the first few seconds of the song Karma, and that’s what I will conclude with. I have been completely baffled that in all of my research on Karma, I haven't seen a single person point out that the beginning of the track sounds like an old album or like a dusty record. My partner picked up on this clue immediately because it was so obvious to us as older millennials. However, I didn’t see anyone point it out online. Taylor visually emphasizes this at the beginning of the music video for those who didn’t hear it automatically when listening to the track. Whether or not you believe in Taylor’s lost album, I hope you enjoyed reading the evidence I have compiled here today - and will continue tacking onto this post as time goes on. I can’t possibly have found all of the easter eggs, but I have been as thorough as I could in the making of this post. Please feel free to comment or message me with things I may have missed, because I want this to be a true master post. Much like the ten minute version of All Too Well was once a myth but is now a reality, there is a chance you, like me, believe that Karma is real…

[extra-salt]

The Growing Height, Feelings, and Distance (Tsukishima Kei x Reader)

Title: The Growing Height, Feelings, and Distance Pairing: Tsukishima Kei x Reader Genre: Fluff, very light angst?  A/N: Hi there! I've been listening to several songs on my playlist in hopes of getting some inspiration for a story and I did, BUT, I don't know how to put them into plots and words. I only managed to write this one out and this has been sitting in my drafts for a week or so. I wanted to finish writing it but work keeps eating my time sad noise .

This story is loosely based on a song called 20cm by Tomorrow x Together (lyrics here). When I started getting inspirations from the song, I immediately tried to find a character that will go with it and I chose Kei (one of the things that this song explicitly talks about is the height, so yea, that's how I really decided for it, there ya go). I love Kei, but I'm not entirely confident of how I wrote him in this one :(

(Also posted this on AO3.)

Let me know what you think~

Masterlist

—

“Am I missing something?” Kei questioned as he went downstairs to the dining table only to see a lot of dishes being served.

“I’m home!” Kei heard from the entrance.

“Kei, can you put this inside the fridge please?” His brother handed him a box containing a cake. A strawberry shortcake.

“Are we celebrating something I’m not aware of?” he asked.

“The L/Ns are coming over for dinner. They just moved back from Tokyo and they’re staying for good this time.”

That means…

Akiteru gave his little brother a teasing grin. “That means Y/N is back and that cake is not all yours. I got that flavour because you two liked it so much.”

—

It’s been 4 years since you and your family moved to Tokyo to look after your grandparents and also for your father to take over the family’s business as your grandpa decided to retire. Your families lived next to each other, and as your parents put it “you and Kei have known each other since you were in diapers”. When you left for Tokyo, you shed some tears while bidding goodbye to Kei who only teased you for being a crybaby.

You would come back to Miyagi during your summer breaks. The first time you went back for a vacation, to say that you were surprised is an understatement. It had only been a few months but it was very much visible how he grew taller and his voice was a bit deeper than what you were used to. Let’s say you didn’t let him live a day without teasing him about it.

Even if you would often annoy the hell out of each other, it was needless to say that you got each other’s backs, even in as kids. You were there for him when he discovered his brother’s secret and he got you when your parents were going through a rough patch.

Things got busy for you when you entered middle school. Your family got busier in handling the business as well so there wasn’t really a chance for you to go back to Miyagi even for a short vacation. You and Kei remained connected through emails and occasional phone calls for a few months until you’ve never heard from each other again.

—

The family dinner started and you two were sitting across each other while the older ones are talking and with Akiteru chiming in from time to time. You and Kei were quietly eating your dinner, not finding the right time to strike up a conversation any time soon. Kei excused himself first from the table after finishing his meal. After a while, you stood up to excuse yourself as well, but Akiteru called for you from the kitchen counter. You can see him getting a cake from the fridge and settling it down on the counter and then goes to get small plates and utensils. He proceeded to slicing the cake and placing them on the small plates and pushing two to your direction. “One for you, and the other one is for Kei. He's at the backyard, will you please bring it to him?"

"Sure," you replied. "Thank you, Akiteru-nii."

"Be sure to catch up with each other. As much as I hate how rowdy you two were back then, I kinda miss it."

"Just say you miss me and go," you replied with some sass and earning a laugh from Akiteru.

"I was so sure you lost your words and sass somewhere in Tokyo when I didn't hear anything from you back at the table."

"I think it only comes out when I talk to an annoying Tsukishima sibling?"

"That ain't me."

—

You went to the backyard and as what Akiteru said, Kei was there with his headphones and sitting on the porch.

You put the other small plate down beside Kei and quietly took a seat in the opposite direction with your own slice of cake. He must have felt your presence as he removed his headphones and noticed the slice of cake beside him. He muttered a thank you and started digging in. You rack your brain for whatever topic or question that you could use to strike up a conversation. All the questions that you wanted to ask seemed to have evaporated. Think! Think! Come on…

"Kei, how much have you grown since we last saw each other?” you asked awkwardly, mentally slapped yourself for it. You were not expecting an answer for it really, but Kei did anyway.

"Last time I checked it was around 188cm."

“That’s around 20cm! You’ve grown so much!”

"Duh, of course. It was several years ago. Do you really expect me to remain a shorty just like you?"

His last statement ticked you off, but you can't help but smile as you slowly felt the atmosphere between the two of you go back to how it was. Seeing that faint shit-eating grin on his face is enough proof.

"I'm not a shorty! I grew up too!"

"Really? Let's see then," he challenged. He stood up from his spot, you followed him, and stood right in front of him to compare. "Alright, stand still--" you said, holding on both of his arms to make him stay still and when you looked up, blush crept up on your faces at the close proximity. Before you completely drown yourself in his golden-brown eyes, you pushed him out of panic and lost your balance. Luckily, he managed to catch you before your clumsy ass hit the ground. He pulled you up and you steadied yourself. “Sorry about that.”

While you were trying to collect yourself, he flicked a finger on your forehead causing you to yelp in pain. “What the hell?! I said I’m sorry!”

“Ah, sorry. You’re so annoyingly clumsy, I can’t help it.”

“Damn you beanpole!” He then walked back to his previous spot and picked up the now empty plate. "Leaving already?"

“Yeah. I got things to do," he casually replied. You wanted more time to catch up with him but he already marched back inside. "I guess that's enough for today?" you thought.

The previous scene was still playing in his mind as he went back inside. You were standing too close to each other that he can smell your shampoo scent. He had the urge to pat your head, run his fingers through your hair and graze them lightly on your chin, but he managed to hold it back. Where did these urges even come from? He doesn’t understand. He never did, and it annoyed him.

—

Monday came and you were surprised to see Kei outside your house in his school uniform. Damn, he’s just wearing a gakuran but he sure makes it look like he’s gonna be on a runway. “Your mom asked me to accompany you to school, transfer student.”

“Sounds like a very troublesome task. I like that.”

“If you don’t hurry up, I’m gonna leave you behind.”

The walk to your new school was rather silent. You two bicker a lot but you also used to have moments where you enjoy the comfortable silence. But right now, there's nothing comfortable with the silence between the two of you. “We really drifted off, didn’t we?” Those thoughts were never meant to be spoken out loud. Kei saw your mouth moved as he was sneaking glances at you, but he was not able to catch what you said. “Sorry, what was that—?”

“Good morning, Tsukki!” From behind, you can see Yamaguchi Tadashi running to your direction. “Y/N is that you?!”

“Good morning to you too, Yamaguchi,” you greeted. “Yes, it’s me. The one and only.”

“When did you get back?! Oh, you’re wearing Karasuno’s uniform, does that mean—“

“Shut up, Yamaguchi. We’re gonna be late,” Kei interjected.

“Hehe. Sorry, Tsukki!”

When you arrived at school, you parted ways with the two guys and went to the teachers’ office to get your class schedule. You got introduced to your new classmates and immediately hit it off with your seatmate, Yachi Hitoka, who was willing to show you around and accompany you on your first day. During lunchtime, you two were on your way to the cafeteria and saw Yamaguchi and Kei who seemed to be headed to the same location.

“Yamaguchi—!”

“Kei—!”

You and Yachi called out at the same time, earning the two boys’ attention. “You know them, Yachi?”

“Yeah, they’re members of the school’s volleyball team. I assume you know them too?”

“Ah, I remember you mentioned that you were one of the managers.”

Yamaguchi and Kei made their way to the two of you. “I’m friends with them. Kei and I are childhood friends, and I met Yamaguchi through this blonde beanpole.”

Yamaguchi and Yachi can’t help but snicker at the way you talk about Kei. “You two must be very close if you’re on a first-name basis,” Yachi commented.

You suddenly felt Kei’s arm on your head and moving it to mess up your hair. “Yeah, we’re very close,” Kei replied in a mocking voice. Once you were able to get his arm off of your head, you held onto it as he was still attempting to bring it back on your head. “You never told me you were in the volleyball club.”

“You never asked," he replied nonchalantly. It kinda stung, but you buried it at the back of your mind. You used to tell each other everything even if you didn't ask.

“Well I wanted to catch up with you during the weekends but you declined. So much for being friends.” You felt him trying to lift his arms up again in an attempt to further mess your hair but you somehow managed to get away from him and run behind Yachi and Yamaguchi.

“Anyways! Can I come to your volleyball practice later, Yachi?”

“I think you can. I’ll go and ask permission from Takeda-sensei and I’ll let you know.”

“Nope.” Kei objected. “There are already enough bothersome people in practice. Don’t try to add more by coming over.”

Do you ever listen to him? Nope, so after class, you went with Yachi to the gym. "Keeeiiiiiiii!!!" you called the moment you saw him enter the gym. He was visibly annoyed by your antics but you're pretty much used to it.

You also got to meet the rest of the Karasuno team that afternoon. They found it amusing that there’s a girl who can actually talk back to Kei and get away with it unscathed. For the rest of the practice, however, Kei did not pay you any attention at all. During their breaks, he would rest somewhere away from where you’re sitting, making it clear that he doesn’t like having you here in their practice. It didn’t faze you though. When they were done with practice, you went up to him to say that you’re gonna wait for him to clean up and you can go home together.

“You looked really cool today, not gonna lie.” You kept your eyes on him as he wiped away his sweat and removed his training bib. No response. “Let’s go home together! It’s a bit late already.”

“I told you not to come here.” He places the towel on his shoulder and turned to your direction, displaying his annoyed face. “You could’ve gone home earlier and it would save me the energy to walk you to your house.”

“Did you really expect me to listen? Duh. And you said I never asked about you playing volleyball so I went to see you play,” you retaliated. “And our houses are literally next to each other, stop overreacting.”

“Don’t come again.”

“Not gonna happen.” And it never really happened. You’d always go to their practice after class hour like it’s your normal routine that Shimizu even considered getting you as a manager, an idea that Yachi rooted for. You declined, saying that Kei might disown you for good, which is half true.

Kei still doesn’t talk to you whenever you’re there, but you still go home together. You can already feel yourself running out of patience. The unanswered questions have been plaguing your mind ever since you went back to Miyagi but you never even got a chance to bring up one of it.

“Tsukishima Kei!” you yelled from behind as you two near your houses.

He was clearly taken aback with your use of his full name that he immediately looked back. “Why the hell did you stop talking to me back then? Did I do or say something wrong?” You asked with a pained expression. “Did you get tired of me?”

Kei remained unmoved. The distance that you felt between the two of you seems to grow further as he remained silent. He has been trying to avoid this moment ever since you came back because he doesn’t really know how to answer that question. But the look on your face when you asked if he got tired of you seemed to tug some strings on his heart.

“I’m sorry. What was I thinking?” You continued. “You did get tired of me. I’m sorry, Kei. I won’t bother you anymore.”

You walked past him, but he was able to grab ahold of your arm and pulled you to his chest. “I would never,” he whispered. “I would never get tired of you.”

“I’m not good with words when it comes to expressing my feelings. Heck, I didn’t even understand them.” He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and you snuggled closer to his chest. You felt him lean his chin on the top of your head and heaved a sigh. “My brother used to tease me a lot because we kept in contact to the point that he got so annoying. So to spite him, I stopped contacting you.”

“What a lame-ass reason! You got me overthinking and feeling sad for years just for that LAME. ASS. REASON!”

“I know! Stop rubbing it on my face! I wanted to reconnect but I was thinking that you already either hate me or have forgotten about me. I never had the courage to speak to you again but I cannot find it in me to let the thought of you go. When you came back, you asked me how much I’ve grown. I don’t think it’s just my height. My feelings may have caught up with it as well.”

You pulled away from his hold for a bit and looked up at him. “Then why did you ran away from me that night?”

For the first time since you came back, you saw him looking at you fondly. The same look he’d use to give whenever you render him speechless when you’d never back down when bickering with each other or whenever you manage to throw a good comeback to his snarky comments. “I was unsure..of what I exactly feel, of what you feel towards me.”

“I forgot how dense you could be.”

“Now you’re just being annoying.”

[bisluthq]

That’s like the third time the “Taylor is not inherently cool” discourse has come up in the span of a few weeks, and honestly that’s like the most evident thing about Taylor, and I genuinely (no shade, here, I promise) don’t understand how someone can miss that.

Like, Lorde and Taylor were the same age when the former was writing Pure Heroine and the latter was writing “of all the girls tossing rocks at your window/I’ll be the one waiting there even when it’s cold”. She’s not a cool girl, wbk.

You can watch her interviews, listen to her music, observe her mannerism, analyze her behaviors in the various “eras”... there are thousands of details that prove that Taylor is anything but effortlessly cool.

Back in 2014 she even explicitly said “I've never ever felt edgy, cool, or sexy”, even though pretty much everyone else thought she was cool as hell.

That’s why so many people made fun of the rep era: because they thought that she wasn’t cool enough to pull that off, and it came off as cringey. And as much as I don’t agree with that (but I’m also a lesbian whose ideal of perfection is Taylor’s rep era thighs, therefore I’m biased), I can understand why they would think that.

And this is also why Lover (Taylor’s first album where I really believe that she did whatever the fuck she wanted from start to end) is so quirky, uncool and messy: because that’s the way Taylor is. Like she inserted that “I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you” line in her “wedding song”. Who does that? Your perfect love song is supposed to be about positive feelings, who writes a line about having troubles dealing with jealousy in their big love anthem? That’s such an “uncool” (in a positive way), move. And then she used “baby boy” unironically, she said “god, I love the English” unironically (yeah, it’s a cheeky line but we know she means it), she wrote about stalking someone on the internet...

And I’ll forever argue that “you’re the one that I want [...] in dirty dreams” and then “you’re the one that I want [...] in all our dreams” is like the most “Taylor Swift” lyric ever: it’s quirky, it’s weird and it’s romantic, which are like her three main “secondary” characteristics.

Plus add the fact that she feels stuck at the age when she got famous and you have the perfect recipe for someone who is weird, there’s not tiptoeing around it

I love all of this about her tho and you’re so right.

I think the reason a lot of people act surprised about how uncool she is on here is they’re coming via Kaydom where she is falsely portrayed the coolest, most manipulative, most fucking princessy person and everything she does is part of her brilliant facade to mask her entanglement with a supermodel.

Like they were taught that the line “I’m highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you” “can’t” be about Joe because he’s not hot or sexy enough. Meanwhile it’s her admitting that even when she’s fucking in love with him and he’s like the first person she has dated who reciprocates her feelings fully she is still insecure. She still worries he’ll want someone else more than her. Like that’s the brilliance of the line. She’s saying “I love you so much but I still don’t know if I’m good enough.” Or how they were told “our friends crash in the living room” must be the cool VS models because what “our friends” do Swiftwyn have? Not understanding she’s reveling in the fact that for the first time in her life she has properly merged friend groups with someone she’s dating and if they party these people can pass out in their home.

So like a lot of the ways they prove Kaylor takes on the love songs is by saying it’d be uncool for it to be Joe and cooler for it to be about supermodel Karlie Kloss not realizing that’s precisely the point.

Delicate is another great one for it - like she knows she’s too much and she’s gonna freak him tf out but he’s still fucking there and it’s scary but also so comforting for her because he’s... in her head and just getting her and not scared off by her intensity or her fame like he doesn’t care about the latter he just likes her and it shocks her.

[coffeeshpth0ughts]

How at least 10 songs from Taylor’s Folklore tell the story about the Teenage Love Triangle

(First things first: FOLKLORE IS A LYRICAL MASTERPIECE! EVERYTHING IS PERFECT- THE MELODY, THE MUSIC, THE PRODUCTION. IT’S MY FAVORITE TAYLOR ALBUM AND IF IT DOESN’T WIN AOTY I’M GOING TO GIVE TAYLOR MY PERSONAL AWARD!)

Okay so in the YouTube Chat taylor has explained that folklore has three songs she refers to as the teenage love triangle.  A lot of swifties identified cardigan, august and betty as these three songs. I’m going to try to list all hints and lyrics to “decode” the story.

The characters are Betty/Rebekah, James und an unnamed third girl. Betty and James are/were in a relationship. However James cheated on Betty with another girl.

Having said that, let’s start with the unnamed girl’s POV (to make it more understandble I’m going to name her Liz)

1. August

The song starts with the beginning of Liz’ and James’ affair:

“Whispers of ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Never have I ever before’”. 

Liz was in love with James. However, after they broke up she had to accept that their relationship was nothing more then a summer affair:

“August slipped away into a moment in time/ Cause it was never mine”

2. Mirrorball

In Mirrorball Liz describes their relationship more intimately:

“I’ll show you every version of yourself tonight” 

“When no one is around, my dear/ you’ll find me in my tallest tiptoes/ spinning in my highest heels, love/ shining just for you”. 

However, Mirrorball already foreshadows that James wasn’t as love-struck and interested as Liz was. Therefore Liz tried so hard to just get James to notice her:

“I can change everything about me to fit in”

“I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me” 

3. Illicit affairs

Illicit affairs describes Liz’ struggles in her relationship with James. As said before, Liz was in love with James, obviously she felt the urge to tell everyone about her feelings. However, James didn’t want to make their relationship public and treated her just like a secret diary you hide in the dusty back corner of your drawer:

“Tell your friends you’re out for a run”

“Take the road less traveled by”

“So you leave no trace behind/ like you don’t even exist”

This hiding game did not only hurt Liz but also the passion in their relationship:

“And that’s the thing about illicit affairs [...]/ it’s born from just single glance/ but it dies and it dies and it dies/ a million little times”

Liz realizes that the passion and love in their relationship is pretty much one-sided. However, it doesn’t affect her love and attachment to James:

“You taught me a secret language I can’t speak with anyone else/ and you know damn well/ for you I would ruin myself”

4. Betty

In Betty we get James’ pov on his relationship with Liz and that her assumptions were correct. James wasn’t really interested in Liz:

“those days turned into nights/ slept next to her, but/ I dreamt of you all summer long”

James understands Betty’s anger and disappointment. He wants to apologize, because he knows that his real love is betty:

“The worst thing I ever did was what I did to you”

“The only thing I wanna do/ is make it up to you”

“You know I miss you”

5. Cardigan

Cardigan is Betty’s response to James’ attempts to apologize. She states that she cannot just forgive him:

“Chase two girls, lose then one”

“I knew you’d try to change the ending/ Peter losing Wendy”

Cardigan even explicitly links to James apologizing to her. Betty says that she always knew that James will come back to her, even when he left:

“I knew you’d miss me once the thrill expired/ And you’d be standing in my front porch light/ And you’d come back to me”

6. This is me trying

In cardigan, it seemed like Betty wasn’t going to accept James’ apology. Therefore in this is me trying James is desperately trying to win Betty back, but he knows that his words from “Betty” weren’t enough:

“I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back/ I have a lot of regrets about that”

“And maybe I don’t quiete know what to say/ But I’m here in your doorway”

He tells her that he doesn’t know what else he can do, because he already is pouring out his heart:

“I just wanted you to know/ that this is me trying/ Maybe I don’t quite know what to say”

It is also revealed that James doesn’t just want Betty back, he needs her back: 

“I’ve been having a hard time adjusting”

7. the 1

(Un)fortunately, James didn’t succeed. Betty knows that she cannot get back together with James and she realizes that moving on was the right decision, because it helped her to grow as a person:

“I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit/ Been saying yes instead of no”

She further explains that she didn’t feel like James put enough effort into his apology:

“And if you wanted me, you really should’ve showed/ And if you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow”

However, she does admit that she values and cherishes her time with James, and that they could’ve been together for a longer time if he didn’t cheated on her:

“But we were something, don’t you think so?/ Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool/ And if my wishes came true/ It would’ve been you”

8. the Aftermaths

I’ve seen different theories about what happened after. One theory that seemed pretty convincing to me was that James moved on and went to the War. However during the war he died (epiphany). My tears ricochet tells the story of James’ funeral, which Betty also attended. It kinda gives off some “I told you”-vibes, because James makes clear that he knows he will always be a part of Betty’s life:

“And if I’m dead to you why are you at the wake?/ Cursing my name/ Wishing I’d stayed”

“When I’m screaming at the sky/ and when you can’t sleep at night/ You hear my stolen lullabies”

“You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same”

9. Hoax- the end

this might seem a bit extreme, but I believe that hoax is about Betty realizing that she cannot live without James:

“Stood on the cliff-side screaming/ give me a reason

“Your faithless love’s the only hoax I believe in/ Don’t want no other shade of blue but you”

It tells us that James and Betty had more then just a teenage romance:

“I am ash from your fire”

However, she also underlines that the wounds James left due to cheating with Liz never really healed:

“You know it still hurts underneath my scars/ from when they pulled me apart/ but what you did was just as dark”

--------------

Thank you for reading! Feel free to share your own interpretation!

@taylorswift @taylornation 

(P.S: Taylor, we already know who william bowery is:) )

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET S2 EPISODE 7 RECAP AKA ‘TOP TIER FURUBA SHIT’

An accurate representation of me getting ready to talk about this episode. 

My guys... this episode pretty much hit all the points for me in what I expect of a Fruits Basket episode... and more! I loveeee this episode. I gotta admit last week’s episode was a bit of a shoulder shrug for me cos it was mostly a set up for the beach ‘arc’ but this. episode. I have way too many screen caps, I don’t know how I’ll do this. 

And we open up with a big ‘fuck no’. I love the flash forward just to prepare the audience for a whole lot of hurt. Excellent. *pours myself a glass of wine*

- Hiro: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mum, just don’t trip over, ok?” Sorry about that guys, I just found out my Mum’s pregnant Everyone: Whaaaaa?!

Hiro’s nonchalance of it all had me dying 😂

I appreciate the ‘dog’ fan. Definitely accurate in more ways than one. Strike one.

Strike TWO. The fact he said that in front of not only Tohru but KISA AND HIRO is so gross. I’m not even joking. It’s just gross. Not a great joke at all. Poo poo.

STRIKE THREE. Akito... please come get your dog. It’s the only useful thing you can do rn anyway

Wow, Yuki. I actually teared up a little at his realisation. This whole episode should just be called ‘call 999 for these kids’.

Hiro’s mum just sounds like a Furuba fan tbh 😝😂 Also... are the zodiac members born in their animal forms? Or is it just in the first instance they are held by a parent of the opposite sex? Cos if it’s the first option, that’s pretty... messed up. But, theoretically hilarious at the same time!

Ohhhh... Tohru’s one of those people who like to push aside their own problems and focus on other people’s instead... Except, it’s not in an annoying and judge-y way at all. However, I am beginning to question whether she is actually that selfless and the real root of it is that Tohru needs a distraction from her own pain. Either way, it’s sad and I don’t think she’s doing it consciously at all which makes it even sadder.

Oh, Tohru.

Also, appreciation for Momiji being a human backpack at all times. And I love his cat eared hat! I want one! Our Outfit Appreciation Winner this week. 4 stars.

- Kisa/Hiro being a mini version of Kyoru was basically confirmed this episode and I am happy.

Such a gorgeous moment. Pretty much met the feelings and emotions I got from reading this moment in the manga AND MORE. It’s golden. And I love it. ...‘nuff said.

Oh look, Dad’s here too 🤣

*looks into the distance to a far off future...* ANYWAYS

- Kyo being so open and honest and vulnerable with Tohru to a point where he mistakenly already thinks he told Tohru all about his parents already is just... everything to me. Especially from someone like Kyo who’s constantly carrying all this baggage around. But jeez, we always forget that Tohru’s got baggage she’s carrying around too! Tohru and Kyo on surface level look like such opposites in every way but remove some layers and they are so similar, it’s uncanny! 😍🤡

I just love developing relationships. 🥰

- Kyoko definitely wanted to destroy that flowerpot 😈 We love her. We miss her.

He’s so in love with her, I can’t. I’m gonna cry. <3 Also, that expression feels like a very Kazuma expression, is it just me?

*spontaneously combusts* 

But anyway... just cos we can’t have anything good for too long...

Tbh if I knew a Shigure, that’d be how I’d start every conversation.

I love Hatori. :) I mean he wouldn’t actually slice his gut open but it still means a lot to me that he said he would...

This go around of Fruits Basket has made me realise how much I relate to him and his position in the family. Every anime has a character that’s in their twenties and just... tired and I always relate best to them, shoutout to Keishin Ukai from Haikyuu.

Even though I hate Akito, I have an appreciation for the subtle shit the animators/designers do whenever they come onto screen. All of Akito’s actions have a kinda feather-lightness/almost ethereal feel to them and the way Akito is contrasted against not only the scenery but the other characters around them is... so gooood. I’ve already talked about how I love the emphasis on the presence of Akito in their first appearance in the anime but... I’ll still be talking about it cos it’s great. And I can’t wait to hear Colleen Clinkenbeard in this ep, but Maaya Sakamoto was stellar in this episode (fun fact: did you know she also played Haruhi in OHSHC?!?).

But yeah, I still hate Akito. Sorry.

- Kisa’s little sigh of relief that Tohru doesn’t have to meet Akito was already HEARTBREAKING but mixed with this moment....?!?!

...

I...

I just really need someone to explain to me how you could like Akito. Even after the ending of this whole series. Like...

I just don’t get it. I don’t... 

Look, I’m gonna malfunction if I don’t move on.

Oh?

This is the start... of something new... it feels so right... to be here with you... 

oooohhhh 🎶 

 👀

- Kinda sad that Kyo and Tohru had the house to themselves but there was so much weird and bad energy in the air that they couldn’t even really enjoy their pancakes :(

- That Akito and Shigure and Hatori (and partially Kureno) scene just really... disgusted me. To see someone have that much power in their touch and their words is... freaky and unsettling. And I love it cos it’s interesting but I also hate it soooo much. I have nothing more to say about it besides that really. I was more interested in the Shigure and Hatori moment afterwards...

That’s a nice way of putting it...

Maybe this was to be taken mostly as a joke, but do you think that Shigure actually wants Hatori to remind him how much of a shitbag he’s being? Most of my problem with Shigure (and why I actually liked 2001!Shigure but let’s not go there again) is that out of everyone in this series, he’s the most untouched. And yet he schemes and manipulates and seems to get everything he wants. AND what makes it even worse and annoying and spectacular, is that Shigure’s little nudges and pushes of the chess pieces which are the zodiac members aren’t so obvious to the extent that you could only blame him for it. It’s almost genius, if it weren’t so repulsive. 

*sighs* I just really want him to either repent or feel some kind of guilt afterwards. 

...Hence why I’m most interested in where he’s at after the end of this all.

All I want is a scene between him and Tohru, somewhat like this:

👀

...Ok, this moment made me like Shigure just by 5% more this episode. Still trying to figure out that Shigure/Akito relationship literally a decade later tho...

BACK TO SOME KINDA HAPPY(?) STUFF!

I love love love love love this moment between Yuki and Tohru. It was gorgeous!

I wish this scene were longer so I could make an AMV (if I really felt like it) with Coldplay’s ‘A Sky Full Of Stars’. The lyrics match the moment so much and I definitely cried.

Oh, Yuki...

It was such a beautiful way to end this episode. Wow.

And Yuki’s words to Tohru that ‘she’s just like the sky’ has so many meanings to it and I want to go into it but I’ll start really explicitly going into spoilers. So, I’ll just leave it as poetic cinema.

Perfect.

God, this was such a good episode, guys! I’d probably put this episode on the same level as the True Form episode. It gave us furuba shenanigans, it gave us kyoru, it gave us disgust and hurt and it gave us a moment of someone rising out of the ashes!

I love this anime. :) See you next week!

[mxsinistir]

May I request a Good Omens Gabriel x Human! Reader please?

Pairing: Gabriel x [y/n]

Warnings: n/a besides the fact that the bad writing ™ becomes worse writing ™ towards the end bc it’s 2 am while I’m writing this. 

Summary: Freelance London Photographer [y/n] is friends with the bookshop owner Aziraphale, and happens to be sitting in one day when a mysterious stranger enters to have a meeting with her friend. Suspicious, this artist is ready to find out as much as she can about the man. 

Word Count: 2390

(tried to keep this gender-neutral but tell me if I screwed this up anywhere bc I probably did)

Hope you enjoy!

***

The first time you met him was whenever you were inside A.Z. Fell & Co., discussing a book you’d just read and returned (since you were aware he despised the permanent purchasing of his collection) over two cups of hot chocolate.

The moment he entered, you were intrigued. You turned your head to watch him saunter in, and some part of you screamed deafeningly that whatever he was, he did not belong here. That was saying something since unusual people were not uncommon in the little London bookshop. You’d known Aziraphale’s eccentric friend Crowley for quite some time now. 

“Aziraphale,” His voice was hearty, one you should have taken comfort in hearing. But in addition to his picture-perfect, incredibly fake smile, it set your nerves on end. “May I have a word?” Part of you decided this was your chance to run from the off-setting visitor, but that would leave your friend alone with him.

“Hi, I’m [Y/n],” You shoved a hand into space between you, “I don’t believe we’ve met before.” He looked you up and down, your eyes unwavering until he met your stare. His eyes - your stomach flipped, oh god his eyes - bore into yours, and you nearly recoiled when you noticed the color. A glassy purple with no signs of contacts. Just unexplainably rich violet that made the hair stand up on the back of your neck. 

“Gabriel,” He said, shaking your hand with a grip that was just a little too strong. You were too proud to coddle your sore hand, though. “I need a moment with Aziraphale.”

“Sorry, can’t,” You couldn’t leave Aziraphale with him! What if something happened? You’d picked up that Aziraphale had been involved with some sketchy people before, and what if this guy happened to be a well-dressed gang member? Well . . . well dressed wasn’t exactly the way to put it. You didn’t know what look Gabriel was going for, but it just added to his overall wrongness. 

Besides, Aziraphale and Crowley had always remarked on your excellent intuition. Warning Aziraphale about bad customers, giving Crowley advice on problems he hadn’t explicitly explained, knowing that both your friends were thinking at a given time - and at this time, Aziraphale felt very, very anxious about Gabriel waltzing into his shop.

“What do you mean, you can’t?” He half-snarled, his fake smile faltering. 

“My bike got stolen earlier,” You explained, casually turning to drink the rest of your cocoa before it went cold. You also needed something to hide your growing smile. “I told the police to drop it off here when they found it.”“Are you sure you didn’t miss them during your chat?” He said, “I swore I saw a bike parked in the front.” You stepped past him, putting your nose against Aziraphale’s window. Sure enough, a blue bike was leaned against the glass pane. 

“Well, silly me - Guess they just left it and had better things to do.” You laughed, turning back to smile at Aziraphale and Gabriel. “See you later, Zira!”

You walked outside, planning on walking home. You weren’t going to take some random bike from in front of the bookshop just because some guy had snapped and made it appear for you.

You didn’t own a bike. 

***

The next morning, before you even had the chance to ask questions about the purple-eyed man, Crowley had come into your studio, mentioning that he was bored, due to Aziraphale’s sudden occupation with work. Aziraphale had never been truly busy since you’d known him. 

“Crowley, do you know a Gabriel?” You asked, not looking up from the photo you were currently editing the lighting of, trying to decide if you could amend the conflict between the clashing color palettes. If anything, Crowley just hoped that you were too occupied with your work to even notice that you opened your mouth to ask the question. A few seconds ticked by, and then you stared up at the redhead. 

“Yeah, I know him.” He said under his breath, “He’s a friend of Aziraphale’s. Definitely not a friend fo mine. I’d keep your distance.” 

“What does he do?” Even without being able to see his eyes through the glasses, you sensed the panic in them as he proceeded to mumble out an answer. 

“Paperwork,” He steadied himself, easing into the lie now. “Some company Aziraphale used to work for. I think he’s kind of a jerk, but he and Zira go way back, so I don’t intrude.” 

“Funny, I thought the bookshop had been family owned for a hundred years?” 

“Part-time job, maybe?” Crowley stammered out. You just rolled your eyes.

“Is Aziraphale in . . . is he in any danger with this guy?”“What? No, no, [Y/n], you’re just being paranoid.” You weren’t so sure. You’d never heard Crowley so nervous about the subject of someone, and you’d certainly never heard of him willing staying out of Aziraphale’s affairs. It was common knowledge that he was the nosiest man in London, especially when it came to his friends. “Seriously, Just stay out of his way and it should be fine.” He had a certain voice he used when he wanted you to believe things were fine, even if they weren’t.

“I’ll just ask Aziraphale since apparently, you won’t explain.” That little taunt was usually enough to make Crowley spill everything. Not for this, apparently. “He listens to you, Crowley. Just make sure he doesn’t get hurt.” 

Just because he didn’t say the promise doesn’t mean she didn’t see him make it.

***

The second time you saw Gabriel wasn’t at the bookshop, but on a bench in St. James’ Park. You were currently looking over some pictures you’d taken of the vibrant area, the photographs dotted with jogging passersby and fluffy ducks that reminded you of Aziraphale. You stood up to walk by, snapping a few more when your camera focused in on a not-quite-familiar face.

“Gabriel,” You said, curiously approaching the benched man. “Fancy seeing you here,”

“[Y/n], is it? Aziraphale’s . . . acquaintance.” Who the hell used the word acquaintance anymore? You thought. “Is there something you need?”

“Just came to clear my eyes - I’ve been staring at this one picture I took for Aziraphale last week.” You briefly explained how one of the customers had split their coffee on one of Aziraphale’s old wall paintings, which he had sat on the table to clean the walls behind it. He had been furious, and though you knew you couldn’t possibly replace the expertly preserved painting - ruined by only human clumsiness - you’d offered to gift a photograph to him. Though he was obviously still disgruntled over the lost air, he did say that even something modern would eventually become history. You’d gotten to work. “I’m supposed to bring it to him this evening.”

“I was planning to speak with him this evening as well, actually.” The man remarked.

“Well, if you wanted, you could com toe hang out at my studio for a while.” You had a feeling that no matter what, this man would try to keep up appearances. Meaning he would accept your offer, even if only not to appear rude. Thanks to some information you’d gotten out of Crowley, you now knew that you wouldn’t be in any real danger as a human inviting him to your studio. He, on the other hand, wouldn’t be expecting the onslaught of questions you had for him. 

“That sounds great,” He said with clenched teeth, and so you just smiled and packed up your laptop and camera equipment, making sure to walk beside him all the way back to your flat. 

The square footage wasn’t much - you were honestly surprised you could manage to fit two people inside at once. Beyond that, every inch of the place was stacked high with frames and camera equipment and printed portraits. Your bed was usually just the couch by the window, and even then, you more often than not just fell asleep at your work desk, head draped over crossed arms. 

“I’m gonna be a little bit - I’ve gotta play with some finishing touches, and then I’ve got to print it.” You explained - Aziraphale had given you a faux-gold 18 x 21 frame, nearly identical to the one bordering the ruined painting. “You can sit on the couch if you still want to hang out. You okay with music?” You asked casually, bringing him a glass of water. You may be suspicious of him, but your mother had always stressed the importance of hospitality. 

“Do you like music?” He thought for a moment, staring blankly before nodding as if he’d been assessing whether or not it was the correct response to say so. “Queen?” He looked even more confused but nodded again. You synced your Spotify to a small speaker and set it to shuffle, sliding into your chair as We Are the Champions began to play. You snuck a glance over at Gabriel while mouthing the words and concluded he was possibly the only person in the world who didn’t know the lyrics. If anything, that just confirmed your suspicions of the man. 

Gabriel, on the other hand, was just as confused by you as you were by him. When you’d first met, he hadn’t known how to react to you. You’d stood up to him with no background knowledge, purely because you thought he had ill intentions towards your friend. Humans were always willing to throw themselves at things for no reason, but you were different - you had a reason, and that reason was nothing more than intuition to protect those you care about. 

And now, you’d carelessly brought him into your apartment - if he could even call it that. It was a glorified storage closet, filled to the brim with art and junk and beauty. He’d never been exposed to such a mess; heaven would have never tolerated it. He couldn’t even imagine that Hell was this chaotically organized. 

He could barely focus on that. How could he anymore, when there was you to look at? Smiling truly and losing yourself in the music blaring, snapping your fingers with bad timing, singing the guitar riffs, and constantly standing up just to pace around while mouthing the lyrics. 

You walked around him more than a few times, asking him random questions while leaning far back to see what your photo looked like from afar. He eventually saw that it was of an eggshell white duck in St. James, curiously floating alongside a dark goose that had landed in the waters. He could have scoffed at the symbolism, wondering if you understood the irony of it all yourself. 

Gabriel had never seen so much life in one plac.e It radiated from you, from your camera, from your fingers. It felt raw and unexplainably human, and not in the way that disgusted him with its mediocrity. There was nothing mediocre about you. You oozed with some sort of high that no angel could ever dream of finding themselves on. Angels were too flawless for something as uncontained as the day-to-day life you lead.

During the middle of one of your lyrical outbursts, you glanced over at Gabriel. He was drinking tea now, staring out into London from your window, sunbeams casting over his dusty hair and stunning eyes. Without a word, you pulled your camera in front of you and stepped towards him, snapping photos of him a quick succession. He whipped around at the sound, just quick enough to see you smiling. 

“Stay where you are - the lighting’s amazing.” You said, steadily walking closer to the man. He truly was a vision in an element like this. You leaned back to observe the picture he’d found himself in. “Do you think you could give me one with your wings?” 

And just like that, you watched the Archangel Gabriel freeze to the core as you shuttered a few more photographs. 

“Come on, everyone knows Aziraphale isn’t human.” And of course, there was no way Crowley could keep a secret like that once he was sufficiently drunk. “And besides, humans don’t usually make this pretty of muses.” 

He unfurled his wings gently, being careful not to knock over anything. All three pairs appeared in pristine, white condition, though when the window light scattered them, they reflected a spectrum of glistening violet. 

He nearly asked to confirm that you were human, though he knew the answer. No one but a human could accomplish this - a demon nor an angel could live in such harmonious chaos with their own little world, dancing to the raw beauty of it all and flourishing in the flaws you did not perceive as such. 

Gabriel had never felt love - a sort of ‘love for all humanity’, of course, but not the thrumming in his heart he felt now, looking at you in your element, high on the artistry of what you saw in him. On what no one else had ever seen in him. 

“I could have a photoshoot with you, you know.” You said, looking at your camera screen. “You look great on camera.” 

“There’s still a few hours before I need to meet with Aziraphale,” He lied - he was two hours behind schedule, not that that mattered. “He’d told me about this bakery beside his bookshop that he apparently adores.” He didn’t even like food. It didn’t matter - he figured you would. 

“Am I being asked out by the Archangel Gabriel?”“That’s strong wording-”“I’m famished,” You smiled, and as you walked over to your computer, he expected you to print and frame your imperfect perfection. Instead, you just saved the photo and eased your computer shut. “I can make something here, though. I don’t want to leave. Does the Archangel Gabriel want to watch a movie?”

He was about to make a snarky comment about your sarcastically calling him that, but he paused as you did the unexpected. You settled down on your couch right next to him and smiled. That was enough for him to decide that his meeting with Aziraphale could wait till morning. To hell with Heaven questioning him - him of all people - being off schedule. He would deal with that in time.

Right now, all that mattered was that he was sharing in on an artist’s high, and he wasn’t ever coming off.

[call-me-rei]

Chapter 31

“I can’t be your lover on a leash…”

---

The whole school was still in a commotion the day after Jacob tried to start shit. Most kids were talking about how Vic owned him while others were placing bets on whether Jacob or I would win in a fight.

I rolled my eyes as I walked past some kids whispering about me. I wouldn’t have minded it too much if they hadn’t been so obvious. Fucking freshmen.

I went to my locker and took out the books I’d need for my two classes before choir. I put them in my backpack, slung the bag over my good shoulder, and walked to class.

It was an A day, meaning I had first period. That was my government class. I chuckled to myself as I walked down the hall and into the room. I found humor in the looks some of the students were giving me as I sat in my seat for the day. Well, technically it was Vic’s seat. He did almost beat me up for it.

I had gotten to class early so there weren’t many students in the room, but the ones who were there looked at me like I was crazy or stupid. I ignored the stares and took my notebook out of my backpack. The whole school already thought Vic kicked my ass for sitting here so what else could he do? Why beat someone up for the same thing twice?

Did I actually think Vic would hurt me for sitting in a dumb seat? Of course not. Even if he wasn’t talking to me, I knew he wouldn’t attack me for something so stupid, especially since he knew why I was broken and bruised in the first place.

The first bell of the morning rang, signaling that students were coming into the building. I had at least fifteen minutes to zone out and draw before Mr. Davis started the lesson. I took my headphones out and put on one of my favorite playlists that I’d created on Spotify.

My “just because” playlist was pretty chill. It was mostly filled with songs from my friends’ playlists or songs I grew up listening to. Either way it was relaxing. I wanted to create a playlist of songs from the friends I’d made in San Diego. They each had such different tastes that it would be fun to hear how they all connected. And since I couldn’t find the inspiration to draw, I figured I could get started on that before class.

I went to Lynn’s page first. I knew she liked music with an electronic element. I listened to the first song on her playlist and liked it. I’d need to listen to it again to decide if I wanted it on my page.

I repeated this process with Kortney’s, Ashley’s, Tyler’s, and Savannah’s playlists. The vibes were different on each of them; that made them more fun to listen to. I had a couple minutes before the final bell, so I scrolled down my profile page looking for more of my friends’ pages to explore.

That’s when I saw it.

I had completely forgotten that Vic and I were following each other on Spotify. He wanted us to listen to some songs for inspiration for our music appreciation project and he wanted to share those songs with me on the app. I didn’t think too much of it at the time and I didn’t go back to his page since he had directly shared the playlist with me. But now that we weren’t talking I wanted to see what was up.

I pressed on his picture and saw his list of playlists. He had one titled Curty P Party Mix, whatever that was, and a couple others that were just an artist’s discography. One playlist in particular stood out though. It was titled For You.

I opened it. “Anywhere With You” by Saves The Day was on it along with “Talking to the Moon” by Bruno Mars. There were many different genres in between, but the message was clear: he missed someone.

Was it me?

I shook my head. There was no way I was going to put myself in that position again. He rejected me. He left me. He didn’t want to be with me! I wasn’t going to allow myself to think that he was sorry when he hadn’t tried to talk to me in a week.

The final bell rang while I was talking to myself, letting the school know that it was time for class to start. I put my headphones in my bag and locked my phone.

Mr. Davis stood from behind his desk ready to start the lesson but stopped short when the door opened. It was déjà vu. Vic walked in. Mr. Davis sighed and gestured for Vic to take his seat. Vic walked across the floor without a word. The kids in class seemed to hold their breath. Why? Oh, because I was in that damn seat.

Vic walked up to me and stared. I couldn’t help but stare back. Unlike my first day, he didn’t threaten me. He didn’t say a single word to me, just stared. I tried to read his face. He wasn’t angry or trying to threaten me. He wore his signature expressionless look. I tried to send that same look to him but I’m sure I came across as intimidated.

We continued our staring contest for what felt like half an hour when in reality it was probably a few seconds.

Mr. Davis cleared his throat. “Mr. Fuentes, please take your seat.”

Vic snapped out of his daze and took the empty seat next to mine. He didn’t glance at me and didn’t speak to me for the entire period.

***

I sat on the floor in a practice room after choir. It was quiet and secluded, so I didn’t have to worry about someone saying anything to me. Being at school had been rougher than I imagined. I ended up texting Lynn after economics telling her I wouldn’t be at lunch. She was concerned, but she understood that I was overwhelmed. She offered to drive me to McDonald’s after school if I was feeling up to it.

As much as I wanted to focus on the potential good that was going to come after a stressful day, my mind went back to Vic’s playlist. For You. As much as I didn’t want to think it, I wanted it to be for me. If he wasn’t going to talk to me then all I had was to wish that he’d dedicate some songs to me.

I went back to Spotify and Vic’s profile. I’m not sure why, but I hesitated. I should’ve picked a song to listen to immediately, but I was worried. Some part of me thought this was a trick. Like he knew I would find it and he set it up so I would think that he missed me.

Fuck, I was overthinking again.

I shut my brain off and picked a song from the playlist. “All That I’ve Got” by The Used started playing from my phone’s speakers. I sat back against the wall and listened to the lyrics. I figured that even if Vic hadn’t made the playlist for me, I could use it to describe my own feelings.

I felt like shit.

I missed him.

I sighed. I didn’t want to openly admit it, but I’d be damned if I could ignore it. The song that was playing wasn’t helping but to be fair none of the songs on the list would help.

We needed to talk. I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to talk to me. I’d thought about it for the entire week. I knew that I wouldn’t be obsessing over it if he’d just answer my questions and let me know. Damn him for being so aloof!

I closed my eyes as The Used stopped playing and “Only Us” by Thrice came on.

“There’s ‘only us,’ huh?” I said to myself. “Then why won’t you talk to me?”

“You wanna talk?” I hadn’t noticed that the door opened. I jumped in my spot and looked toward the voice of that son of a bitch.

“What?” I huffed. Seeing him in the doorway made me frustrated. Why was he there? What did he want? Why was this the first time in a week that he wanted to speak? I didn’t want to see him. It was as if I needed to be available for him but when I wanted to get close to him he had the right to reject me. Well maybe I wanted that right.

He cocked his head to the side. “You found my playlist.”

That was all he had to say? I scoffed and turned to face forward.

“So you’re gonna ignore me?”

I turned around swiftly with my mouth open. Did he really say that? The bitch who’d been ignoring me for six damn days was upset that I didn’t respond to him?

“Fuck off,” I spat. He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. It looked like he was contemplating what to do next.

He turned around after a moment. I thought he was going to leave but instead he closed the door. I pursed my lips and watched as he stepped farther into the room and sat on the floor about a foot away from me.

“What part of ‘fuck off’ don’t you understand?” I asked. “I don’t wanna talk to you.”

“Well I wanna talk to you.” I shot daggers at him with my eyes. The nerve of this bitch!

“No,” I said. He looked at me quizzically. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you not understand?”

“Kellin-”

“No,” I said again, cutting him off. “I tried to talk to you for six fucking days and you ignore me and push me aside like I'm a piece of trash. Now you wanna talk to me and I should just be ready? Fuck you! You don't get to tell me what to do. You don't get to just look at me and not say a single word to me for a week and not care about how it makes me feel. You also don't get to make fucking playlists for me and act like nothing is wrong! You don't deserve my attention; you don't deserve to be in this room with me. You are not allowed to string me along after you explicitly told me that you wanted me. It's not fair and I don't deserve it.”

I was standing at the end of that rant, my breathing heavy. I wasn’t sure where that all came from but damn, it felt good to get it out.

Then I saw the look on his face and I regretting learning to talk in the first place.

He sat there with his trademark blank expression. I couldn’t tell if he was taking everything in or was trying not to explode the same way I had.

“Are you gonna say anything?” I asked softly once I’d calmed down.

He stood up. “Do you really feel that way?”

I nodded slowly. I didn’t trust my mouth or my brain to give him a good answer.

He looked at me, chocolate brown eyes searching my blue ones. Apparently he didn’t find what he was looking for because he turned and walked out of the room without another word.

[sugarbutterbroadway]

Life is hard for dreamers dark chocolate pie

A/n this chapter depicts domestic violence and emotional manipulation explicitly. Please proceed with caution

“They say times are hard for dreamers, but they won’t be hard for me-”

“I’ve saved up everything I know, to take that step beyond the lawn…”Jack sang softly along with the radio. “Keep walkin till I see the station and then see it go…” It was late now. The diners' rules were they opened early and closed even earlier. Mr.Jacobi was no saint—he was honestly a thorn in Jack’s side most days—but even he knew it was dangerous to be in this part of town too late. Always said it was because he didn’t want to mop the blood off the sidewalk, but deep down Jack knew he cared.

Everyone else took that gratefully and clocked out as soon as the clock struck 8pm, but Jack didn’t. He liked to come in early and stay late, anything to keep him from spending too much time at home. He liked the quiet, liked to play his music and finally get the clarity to work.

“They say times are hard for dreamers, and who knows maybe they are”he sang as he wiped the flour off his station. “...and I might be a dreamer, but it’s gotten me this far and that is far enough for me”

Jack Kelly was a dreamer, anyone who knew him could tell you. His mother always said he spent more time with his head in the clouds than his feet on the ground. Back when he was young, and his parents would argue, his mind started to wander. Always told himself he’d grow up to be a cowboy, lasso his dad and hog tie him to a railroad track, then him and his mama would ride away into the sunset. He always told himself he was going to save her. Now she was long gone and here he was almost thirty years old working the same job day in and out. He couldn’t save her, he can’t even save himself.

Yeah he was a dreamer all right. He came to New York with a dream,a guitar and a sketchbook full of all the places he would see. He fingers flexed against the damp rag, what he would give to hold that guitar one last time…

Jack smiled as he strolled down the long hallway, suitcase in tow. He shot a cheesy grin over his shoulder, “C’mon mama! I wanna see who i’m roomin with!”

“Hold your horses cowboy”she warned, though she was smiling. “My legs don’t move as fast as they used to”

“That’s because they never did”He snorted, “It won’t be that bad, it should be around this corner”

“Jack Francis, you’re gonna put me in an early grave”she sighed.

“Mama!”he scolded, “don’t say things like that! I swear I can’t take you anywhere, you don’t behave!”

“Says you”she chuckled, “ain’t it that one right there?”

Room 228. Jack skidded to a halt in front of the door and froze.

“Well go on then”she said, “no time for bein shy now”

“Mama-”

“Go!” her hand had twisted the handle and he stumbled inside. To his dismay the room definitely wasn’t empty. Two blonde boys sat chatting on one of the beds. They must have already been friends, Jack didn’t want to intrude-

“Oh hi!”the shorter one said, his grin was a lil goofy, it made Jack want to smile too. “The names Charlie but my friends call me Crutchie, you must be Jack”

Crutchie? He stifled a gasp and nodded. “Y-yeah that’s me”

“This is my friend Race”Crutchie said, “I hope you don’t mind him being here, he’s just chillin until his roommate arrives”

“It’s no problem at all but...Race?”he asked, tilting his head.

“Yeah, you got a problem with that?”Race said, his accent was heavy, he must be local.

“Did I say I have a problem with it?”he asked, folding his arms over his chest. Race looked him over once, then twice and finally smiled.

“Kids got a backbone, I like ‘im”Race said. Crutchie rolled his eyes and turned to fully face Jack.

“Don’t mind him, he’s got an attitude problem and an ego the size of manhattan”

“Hey!”

“Did I lie?”Crutchie said, raising a brow. Race just flopped back on the bed with a wounded sigh.

“Oh!”Crutchie said after a few seconds, “The nicknames! It’s a thing our friends used to do from high school—”

“Being friends with theatre kids gets you into some weird shit”Race warned.

“Racer, you were a theatre kid”Crutchie said.

“Oh yeah!”

“Anyways”Crutchie said, “it was like a way of expressing individuality and all that fun stuff! I’m Crutchie because well, my crutch—”

“I’m Racetrack because I was the best at cross country”Race with a wink.

“And since the boys—and girls, can’t forget smalls—aren’t here to grill you, it’s your lucky day! You get to pick your own”Crutchie said. Jack’s head was spinning but he nodded.

“Well my mama calls me Cowboy”He said.

“Ooo very country”Race said, “What’s the story behind that?”

“It’s um...it’s a long story?”He said weakly. Before Crutchie could speak, Race had grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the bed.

“We’ve got time cowboy, spill”

He thought he had hit the jackpot. He was going to school on a full ride,he had amazing friends and for the most part he got to do what he loved. But he was still young, young and so naive. He was working at a Starbucks just off campus when he met her, the woman who made him so weak.

“Here’s my number, handsome. Call me, I promise you won’t regret it”She was beautiful. His hands shook and he stuttered out a promise that he would.

-----

“A music major at NYU?”She giggled, “Does that mean you plan on serenading me?”

“If that’s what you want”He smiled.

“You know what I want?”She said leaning closer.

“Y-yeah?”

“I want you to write a song for me”she said, right against his ear. “Make it good, yeah?” He grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss to it.

“Anything you want Eve”

-----

She made him feel like they were the only two on earth. She was always so sure of herself, no matter what she was doing, it was intoxicating. She wined and dined him and to a broke college student that was heaven. It was heaven.

Until it wasn’t.

“Where are you going?”She asked. Jack tilted his head and put down the bottle of cologne, it was Armani, much more than he could afford.

“I’m going out with Race and Crutchie, I told you this earlier baby”He said. She frowned and walked over musing a hand through his hair.

“I thought we were going to watch a movie today?”she asked, “and why are you wearing that cologne anyways? What’s the occasion?”

“Ain’t no occasion baby”He said, “ I just like it cause it smells good, no reason to fuss.”

“What about our movie?”She said, the grip in his hair had gotten tighter. 

“I haven’t seen them in weeks!”he insisted, then winced as her hand balled into a fist.

“Don’t raise your voice at me Kelly”She said, “You won’t like the consequences”

“E-Eve”he stammered, “Baby that hurts-”

“Good”She said, “Maybe you’ll learn not to cancel our dates to hang out with your stupid friends” before he could respond she had yanked her hand back and stomped out of the room. He took a deep breath and picked up his phone.

“Crutchie? Yeah um, something came up”

-----

“You know, you don’t need that music school anyways”She said, not tearing her eyes away from the mirror. “What are they teaching you that you don’t already know?”

“How to be a musician?”he chuckled, “There’s so much I still need to learn, I haven’t even scratched the surface yet”

“Yeah but maybe you can go in less?”She said, “do you really need to be there five days a week?”

“Baby please-”he started, but she lifted a hand. He flinched.

“Don’t baby me Kelly”she hissed, “Don’t you think I was a student once? I know you don’t need to be there so often. What are you trying to hide from me?”

“Nothing Eve-”

“Are you cheating on me?”She asked. His eyes went wide and he quickly shook his head.

“N-no baby I would never-!”

“Tell me you love me”She said.

“Eve we’ve never even said that before-”

“Say it!”She shouted. The glass tube filled with crimson lipstick hit the bathroom counter and shattered into fragments. She ignored it and glared at him.

“I love you”He said softly.

“hm”She said, and stared. It felt like she was ripping him apart. “No you don’t”

“I-I do!”he said, “I promise I do, just please Eve-”

“Say it like you mean it then”

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I love you”

She smiled and brought a hand up to cup his cheek. “I wanna hear you say that forever”

He leaned into the touch and shivered as she ran a sharp nail across his jaw. “Then i’ll say it for forever”

“Oh what did I do to deserve you?”She whispered, “You’re too good to me Jack, you know that? Like some angel sent from heaven”

-----

“When are we going to get married?”she asked. Jack choked on his french fry, she stared.

“Married?”He asked softly, he knew better than to raise his voice. “Eve I...I’m only nineteen”

“Yeah but we’re so good together Jackie”she pouted. “Besides, I can provide for us. I've got a good paying job. You can leave that music school behind and write songs for me all day long--oh! How’s that one go? The one about sunshine”

“u-uh”He stuttered, “you want me to sing it here?”

“That’s what I said”she said, rolling her eyes.

“Till the sun don’t shine, i’ll be yours, you'll be mine”He sang quietly.

“I thought you changed those lyrics”She huffed. “I told you I didn’t like them”

“You’re right baby”he said, “my mind is just a little woozy right now, what drink did you get me?” “It doesn’t matter,”she said. “The song?”

“Till the sun don’t shine, you will still be mine…”

-----

They had been married for three months until it happened. Eve had lost her Job and she had gotten so drunk...Jack’s knees buckled underneath him and he gripped the table for support.

“Jack Kelly what did I say about raising your voice!”

She had been so mad.

“I’m not asking you to drop out, i’m telling you!”

The bottle had only just missed his head.

“If you leave, i’m going to kill myself. I’m going to kill myself because i am nothing without you! And that’s going to be on your conscious! Don’t think your mama would like that would she!”

“You don’t know shit about my mama!”he shouted back, “leave her out of this!”

Smack. 

His head had whipped to the side before the pain had registered. Once it did she was already apologizing.

“I-I’m sorry Jackie”she whispered, stroking his cheek. “I didn’t mean to, I just-...do you still love me?”

His eyes were blurred with tears. “Yes”

“Say it”

“I-I..-”

“Jackie say it, please”

“I love you”

“Sing to me. You know i love it when you sing”

They had both ended up on the floor. Eve in his lap as he rocked her gently, he had never seen her so small.

“Till the sun don’t shine…”

-----

Jack took a few seconds on the floor to compose himself. Hot tears were streaming down his face and it was like they couldn’t stop. He pulled his knees up to his chest, and rocked himself back and forth back and forth. Just like his mama used to. He stayed like this until the oven beeped and sent him hurtling back into reality. He pulled himself up and wiped his face off on his apron.

“Let’s get this out the oven”he mumbled to himself and grabbed the oven mitts. It smelled delicious but even the thought of eating made him nauseous , he was exhausted, and he still needed to get home.

He placed it on the cooling rack and scribbled a title on a sticky note.

Life is hard for dreamers dark chocolate pie

He placed a glass case over it to keep it fresh. On the way out he made sure to hang up his apron, and lock up the kitchen. He didn’t care if the diner got robbed, but no one was touching his pies. He pulled on his coat and fished in his backpack for his earbuds and metrocard. Too tired to pick a song he just left them in for warmth and locked up the diner. As he walked towards the train station his head remained in the clouds.

“They say times are hard for dreamers, but they won’t be hard for me…”

I've saved up everything I know, to take that step beyond the lawn. Keep walking till I see the station, and then see it go.

[karliesbuzzcut]

When art really speaks to you, pt. 2: probably just a coincidence but idk

Disclaimer: all these theories are rabbit holes on their own, so trying to explain them in a couple of paragraphs is, automatically, doing them a disservice. Especially since I’m only going to be primarily addressing the part of the theory that focuses on the artist communicating with their public through their work.

Since I’ve already dedicated paragraphs to the introduction in part 1, let’s just jump into it.

Leonardo Da Vinci’s fuckton of theories.

Let’s start with the daddy of all conspiracies. After all, not many can gloat about their reachings becoming a movie starring Tom Hanks.

The thing with Da Vinci’s conspiracies is that there are so many of them, and they range from “maybe this is also a painting made by Da Vinci but he wasn’t credited because of reasons” to ALIENS. Which, I think, shows how different our interpretations of art can be, and how much it depends on an already established worldview.

But the most interesting part isn’t the conclusions, but how people look for clues. For example, just like people say Taylor Swift is obsessed with numbers or oranges (depending who you ask, I guess), Da Vinci was supposedly a big fan of reflections. So, if you want to decode his paintings you must mirror them... and then move then a little bit... there you go, you’ve just found yourself an alien...! Or a daemon...! Or someone wearing a funny hat! And that’s totally what he wanted us to find, right? Why else would he had shown any sort of interest in reflections if he didn’t want us to reflect everything!!

Shakespeare is an illusion... kinda, but yeah.

Personally, I think Kaylors would love to dig into this one. Sure, it doesn’t have many lesbians playing political spies. But it does involve a lot of literature analysis. Just like Kaylors don’t think a heterosexual woman could’ve written Taylor’s songs; some people (referred as anti-Stratfordians, thank you very much) don’t think someone from a lower class could’ve written Shakespeare’s plays. 

Here’s the tea... the very cold tea: because Shakespeare was the son of a glover, anti-Stratfordians say he couldn’t have had the knowledge to write his plays. They, instead, come up with a list of “more suitable” writers that could’ve worked together. But they decided to keep their identities a secret because being a play writer, at that time, wasn’t respectable. Here, we will start noticing a trend with Conspiracy Theories: society, as a whole, can’t handle the truth, only a selected few. That’s where Francis Bacon comes in.

Francis Bacon was a very smart dude. He, also, worked for the state - giving him the credentials to be worthy of writing Shakespeare calibre plays. And also, also, he developed a method to conceal messages in the presentation of a text. To be able to do this, you would need to use two typefaces. Guess what has more than one typeface? Shakespeare’s plays.

I have to say - while I don’t believe either theory we have seen, they are somewhat understandable. We barely know anything about Shakespeare and Da Vinci beyond their work, so it’s normal that people are trying to figure out who they were; what did they believed in; where did they get all of their knowledge. We like theorising about the answers to these questions, knowing we’ll never get a confirmed truth. Not so the case with our next conspiracy...

Lewis Carroll was Jack the Ripper - someone had to be, right?

Now, allow me to fangirl all over this one. It combines my interests for conspiracy theories, true crime and pop-culture.

I’m assuming everyone here knows about Jack the Ripper: a serial killer who murdered at least 5 people (mainly prostitutes) in London, between the years 1888 and 1891. Well, someone looked at this and thought “you know what this murder-mystery is missing? Famous people”. Well, this theory says that the author of Alice in Wonderland did it He was the only celebrity living nearby at the time of the killings, so... 🤷‍♀️

This becomes a case of “I have already made up my mind about this issue, so I’m going to go ahead and search for proof that confirms it”. Authors and, now, internet sleuths went through his books, selected this random-ass excerpt from the nursery version of Alice and decided it was an anagram. And a crappy one at that. Supposedly, if you arrange the letters you get a detailed and gruesome confession. You, however, have to take away some letter and add others. Listen, I’m not an English major, but I’ve heard that’s cheating.

This theory also has that characteristic we mentioned: the “I don’t want to admit it out loud, so I’m going to come up with convoluted ways for my audience to figure it out” - which almost borders on psychotic behaviour. But at least it, somewhat, works with the serial killer narrative, you know? Not very much with Taylor, a woman who simply wants to chill with her girlfriend.

The moon landing was fake and directed by Stanley Kubrick.

I’m not going to dig into the moon landing conspiracy, this post is going to be long enough already. Just know that, when the USA government was planning to fake the whole thing, they had just watched ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ and they were all like “that’s so cool! That’s how we want our fake moon landing to look!” So they contacted its director, Kubrick.

According to the theory, Kubrick felt really guilty afterwards but he couldn’t say anything about it because he signed an NDA? it would be dangerous, I guess. So he did the same thing Taylor would do decades later: he “spelled it out” for us on his work, under the excuse of “I didn’t explicitly said it, did I? My most intelligent and attractive fans just happened to figure it out for themselves”. 

The movie ‘The Shinning’ has been analysed to shreds. Think ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ music video, but 2 hours and 26 minutes instead. There are many theories about its underlying theme, but we’re only focusing on the moon landing one. The biggest piece of evidence, according to believers, comes from that famous scene in the hallway. Basically, the kid, Danny, is on the floor playing and wearing an Apollo 11 sweater. He stands up = the rocket launches. He walks to Room N.237. Which is almost an anagram for MOON - but actually, a perfect anagram for MORON - I didn’t come up with that joke, I’m just sharing it. Anyway. In the book, the room number is 217 but Kubrick changed it to 237 because there are 237,000 miles between the Earth and the Moon... except that’s not exactly true, but this is their Kissgate, you see? 

“Paul is Dead” aka “the granddaddy of Kaylor is Real”

Now, this is THE conspiracy theory. Kaylors would love to have the amount of evidence this theory has. Give them 50 years, they’ll get there. 

Our story starts in 1966, Paul McCartney dies in a car accident. The British Government panics, “this will drive our teenagers into a massive suicide!” So they cover it up. They find this guy who looks like Paul and hire him to replace the original. 

You might’ve only heard about those stores where pop-stars get their beards. But there’s also a branch that focuses on celebrity look-a-likes.

The rest of The Beatles went along with it (because that’s how these artists seem to operate, they’re always the victims of their circumstances) but they did not like it. So - you guessed it - they used their music, artwork, photo-shoots, etc. to communicate the truth. Faux-Paul might’ve felt a bit awkward about it, but he’s a nice chap and let the other guys work through their grief. 

Kaylors might have agreed on blue being the colour of breaks up and yellow is for Karlie-Sunshine; but the Paul-truthers concluded white is the colour of heaven, jeans are for gravediggers and black for morticians... oh! And not wearing shoes means you’re dead. Taylor being near a door symbolises her leaving the closet; Paul being near an open trunk symbolises him being in a coffin. Is the letter K, for Karlie, surrounding Taylor? Well, there’s a 28IF in the plaques of a car, for Paul being 28 IF he hadn’t died. People hear a phantasmagorical “she” in ‘Call It What You Want’; just like people heard “I buried Paul” in ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’.

If you have never looked up this theory, I seriously recommend it. There are so many parallels with Kaylor. Here’s a 30 minute video, if you’re interested. It summarises the theory neatly while discussing the effects that these, seemingly innocent, conspiracies have on the way we absorb information.

Paul might be dead but 2pac is very much alive.

If I haven’t made it clear by now, I think it’s very deceptive to use a musician’s lyrics to back up your alternate version of events. As confessional as these verses can be, they’re still a form of art. Which, in terms of music lyrics, they need to follow certain parameters, as well as a desired sound. And, as many other forms of art, they might focus a bit more on transmitting a feeling, rather than an accurate portrayal of reality.

Why am I stopping to say all of this now? Well, because this specific theory relies a lot on Tupac’s lyrics.

A bit of context: In 1996, Tupac Shakur was shot 4 times while at a stoplight. He died from his injuries days later. While there are theories, to this day, no one knows who killed him. Unless you believe one of those theories, which claims no one did.

The believers of this theory cite Tupac’s lyrics to argue that he was explicitly telling his fans that he was going to fake his own death. Here are two examples:

I’ve been shot and murdered, can’t tell you how it happened word for word but best believe that n*****’ gonna get what they deserve. - Richie Rich’s N***** Done Change

I heard rumours that I died murdered in cold blood, traumatised pictures of me in my final states — you know mama cried. But that was fiction, some coward got the story twisted - Aint’ Hard 2 Find

Just like anti-Kaylors don’t necessarily oppose the idea of Taylor being gay; I bet the “antis” of this theory aren’t happy Tupac died and weren’t against his existence on the first place. It’s more of an argument about confusing your feelings with facts, just because they can be more comforting or exciting.

“Avril Lavigne is dead”... or “every artist you think is alive is, actually, dead and, the ones you think are dead, aren’t” I guess.

After everything we have seen, this one isn’t that interesting. The real Avril died in 2003, right after her first album. Her record label bought a new one. Proof? She says ‘dead’ in ‘My Happy Ending’, blah, blah. A poor man’s “Paul is Dead”.

I added it, mainly for the lulz, after the last entry, I needed them. But also because it all started with a blog. What’s hilarious is that the guy who created it admitted he only did it to show how gullible people are but, at that point, he had already convinced people about. The conspirators didn’t need him anymore. So they discarded him but not the Theory... which just reminds me a little too much of how TCG, HBH, Jennyboom &co. have been excommunicated from the Church of Kaylor.

Beyonce and Jay Z are members of the sexy sexy Illuminati.

I did not save the best for last. But maybe I’m just biased because the Illuminati theory bores me to death. However, if you allow me a bit of social criticism... remember how the Shakespeare Conspiracy started because a bunch of classicist people didn’t believe a lower class citizen could write such good plays? I think this one has a bit of that. I’d bet my life that this one started when a bunch of white dudes got super uncomfortable by black people being so talented and earning their successful.

What this Conspiracy shows, too, is the amplifying effect the internet has had on the proliferation of such theories. Most of the conspiracies I’ve mentioned were huge... but how were you supposed to communicate your ideas and add to the old ones, before the internet? You could publish a book. Talk about it at parties. And, at some point, there were internet forums but, still, you can’t compare that to how widespread Social Media is nowadays. 

Today, we can watch someone ramble for 2 hours on YouTube about how Beyonce looks like a robot if you watch Single Ladies in reverse; read someone’s dissertation of ‘Apeshit’; or spend all night looking at those pictures where someone has drawn a red circle around anything that resembles a triangle. 

It might look like a lot of evidence but that’s only because there are a lot of people very attached to this theory. Wanting - for whatever reason - for it to be true (perhaps because it would confirm that their fears about the world were well founded). And all those dozens or hundredths of people were working together to form as many patterns as possible.

Unfortunately we are going to keep talking about the Illuminati in Part 3 but also about Taylor, so that should be nice. Because - to the surprise of absolutely no one - there’s a bunch of people who also think they understand Taylor better than the rest. That they have figured out her secret codes and her ultimate message. Only, not all of those theories involve lesbian supermodels, so they aren’t as popular on Tumblr.

[hshouse]

are you done with your essay?

YES!! Harry essay is here and I love her.

It’s under the read more!! 

Harry Styles: the gay icon gay women deserve.

If you walk into an arena to watch a Harry Styles concert, you might think you came to a pride parade instead of a concert. His fans bring pride flags (all kinds of them: the gay, the lesbian, the bisexual, the transgender and the asexual have all been spotted) and wait excitedly for the moment when Harry snatches the flags for himself and runs around on stage with them. To understand the Harry Styles that his LGBT fanbase knows and love, it is crucial to know both his path to a successful solo artist and how he is perceived by the general public. Before his solo career, he was a member of the boyband One Direction. Boybands (and their members) have historically occupied in a curious position in popular culture. These groups, mostly composed of early twenties men, have been openly marketed towards a young female audience (who is presumed to be straight). The magazines write about the perfect date for each member and which actress the cute one is dating - all in a clear effort to sell them as romantic/sex icons for teenage girls. However, despite all of these efforts, these boybands are also adored by the LGBTQ community. While the appeal to gay men is more understandable, the bulk of the LGBTQ fans, at least in Harry Styles’ case, is composed of lesbian and bisexual women. Through analyzing four of his songs, I will shed a light on why this appeal exist and how he has become one of the iconic gay icons of the 21st century.

The first two songs that have become an important gay anthem for his LGBT fans were written by Harry Styles during his time in One Direction. The song “Happily” is featured in the third album of the band and “If I Could Fly ” is part of the fifth album. To understand the importance of these songs, some context is needed. A significant part of the One Direction fandom (the word used to describe the collective of fans) believes that Harry Styles was/is on a long term relationship with another bandmember, Louis Tomlinson. This belief is held mostly by the LGBT fans and it has shaped the fandom from the very beginning (this video - which has been watched over five million times - provides a good introduction on the topic). Many LGBT fans were introduced to the band by hearing about this belief. In different, and often controversial and unconvincing ways, both Harry and Louis have denied this relationship. However, the fans, including myself, even after four years of the band break, still believe in the existence of their relationship (the dynamics of this group are extremely interesting but are unfortunately outside of the scope of this essay).

In both “Happily” and “If I Could Fly” Harry writes/sings directly to his lover without (or with few) pronouns. Both songs invoke a common theme of certitude about their relationship while facing outside struggles to maintain this relationship. In “Happily”, Harry directly addresses how their relationship is viewed: “I don’t care what people say when we’re together/You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep/I just want it to be you and I forever”. For straight listeners, this verse may not seem like more than a common love declaration in a pop song. However, for LGBT fans this verse is understood as a clear and loud representation of the queer struggle with acceptance for their relationships. Moreover, Harry is sending a strong optimistic message about queer love: “I don’t care what people say when we’re together”. In a pop culture that still often portrays queer love stories as tragedies or unattainable desires, hearing a song showcases a fairly happy queer love story is important for young LGBT people. Later in the song, Harry also plays (as he does in many songs as we will see) with the common listener’s assumptions about his sexuality: “It’s four a.m. and I know that you’re with him/I wonder if he knows that I touched your skin/And if he feels my traces in your hair”. A straight listened will likely assume he is jealous of another man who is with his female lover. However, the lover Harry is talking to is not specified as a woman so these sexually charged lyrics are understood by his fans to be within the context of a gay relationship.

In a distinctively sadder tone, “If I Could Fly” showcases another side of queer love: the understanding that that relationship is often the only social space where LGBT people get to truly be themselves. While many are lucky to have LGBT spaces and friends, it is still not the case for everyone - especially those in the closet. When performed live, this song seems to be personal and even perhaps painful to him. He sings: “For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart/For when you’re lonely and forget who you are/I’m missing half of me when we’re apart/Now you know me, for your eyes only/For your eyes only.” These verses seem to say that he is himself only when he is with his lover or that only his lover truly knows him. Again, for his LGBT fans this song is undeniably about feelings and experiences that are unique to queer love within the context of our society. During his first tour as a solo artist, Harry performed this One Direction song in a separate B stage alongside one of his own love songs (the small stage was quickly nicknamed “the Boyfriend stage” by fans). During one of his London shows (linked above) the fans used their phones to form a pride flag across the arena. As he sang “I can feel your heart inside of mine”, his fans held a pride flag and sang back to him “I feel it/I feel it.” An incredibly powerful moment to us and to him (as you can see in the video).

In 2017, Harry started his solo career post One Direction. His first album cycle (including album release and tour) lasted until 2018 and it included over a million albums sold and 69 sold out concerts across the world. His career has been marked by his refusal to share anything substantial about his personal life outside of what is said in his songs. Harry talks through his actions and lyrics more than through any interview. Further, his solo career has also been marked by his fashion choices. He is the face of several Gucci fashion campaigns and the first gender neutral perfume. On tour, he was usually on a two piece suit with an extravagant pattern or in a creative variation of it like this prince outfit. But by far the most unique part of any Harry Styles concert is pride flags that flood the audience everywhere he goes. During every concert of his tour he grabbed some of the flags and ran around the stage. This movement to bring pride flags is a culmination of four years of efforts from his LGBT fans. During the One Direction tours a few brave fans brought pride flags, in a movement named Rainbow Direction, and were often met with hostility from other fans. It wasn’t until Harry started grabbing the flags and, in his fashion “saying without saying” that he supported and liked this trend, that the pride flags became accepted by the larger fandom.

Two of his solo songs deserve special attention for their importance for the queer fans. The first one is “Two Ghosts”. This song, like the ones mentioned before, is believed to be about Louis Tomlinson. The song was released as part of his 2017 album but was written in 2013. During that time, the Louis/Harry belief was first partially addressed when Harry and Louis, who were self declared best friends who lived together, completely stopped interacting with each other. This arrangement was in place until the last day of the band almost 3 years later. In a five person group, it was painfully obvious. “Two Ghosts” is believed to address this new public arrangement: “Sounds like something that I used to feel/But I can’t touch what I see/We’re not who we used to be/We’re not who we used to be/We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.” Styles then goes on to repeat “We’re not who we used to be” multiple times. Regardless of one’s belief on that relationship, when the song was released, Harry’s queer fans were stunned with how raw the song was. While being a celebrity in that situation is a mostly unrelatable problem, the feeling of not being able to express queer love freely is shared by many. In particular the lyric “I can’t touch what I see” shows a sadness and struggle that is known to many, if not all, queer people.

The second song is “Medicine”. This is Harry’s most openly queer song and also his most sexually charged. The second verse of the song boldly states that he is gonna treat his lover like a gentleman - a line that is hard to be interpreted in any other way but that his lover is a man. The song goes on to describe, by using the metaphor of taking medicine, the singer’s sexual desires with this person: “Here to take my medicine, take my medicine/Rest it on your fingertips/Up to your mouth, feeling it out/Feeling it out.” These lyrics are more explicitly sexual than any of his other songs. In a fan loved moment, Harry sings “I had a few, got drunk on you and now I’m wasted/And when I sleep I’m gonna dream of how you -” and the fans complete the (supposed) lyrics by screaming “tasted”. The song then comes to its most talked about verses: “The boys and the girls are in/I mess around with him/And I’m OK with it”. These verses exemplify what queer women love on Harry: in an unprecedented hint on his sexuality Harry is said in the same breath that he says is okay with it. Again, the reassurance that it is okay to feel this way. It is crucial to highlight an unsurprising detail about this song: it was never released as a track, he only performs it live. These lyrics, therefore, are not in the canon of what non fans know about him. Harry constantly seems to want to share his experiences in some contexts but not others - a feeling entirely too familiar to his queer fans.

During his concerts, Harry talks to the fans close to him from the stage and he seems to have talent (perhaps a radar) for choosing gay fans. This video contain most of the moments mentioned here. He helped multiple fans come out during the concert, he helped a girl find a girlfriend and even said that “everyone is a little bit gay”. His connection with his lesbian and bisexual fans is evident to anyone who follows him. In a very tangible way, this connection was not supposed to exist. Harry was, and still partially is, marketed as a sex symbol who girls are supposed to want to sleep with. His fanbase is supposed to be straight women that daydream about having a chance to date him. Of course, this is an incredibly sexist and condescending way to treat women and Harry has never been okay with this framework. Considering his silence on most topics, he has been loud and clear about his respect towards women and his love for his mostly young female fanbase: “Who’s to say that young girls who like pop music – short for popular, right? – have worse musical taste than a 30-year-old hipster guy? That’s not up to you to say. Music is something that’s always changing. There’s no goal posts. Young girls like the Beatles. You gonna tell me they’re not serious? How can you say young girls don’t get it? They’re our future. Our future doctors, lawyers, mothers, presidents, they kind of keep the world going. Teenage-girl fans – they don’t lie. If they like you, they’re there. They don’t act ‘too cool.’ They like you, and they tell you. Which is sick.“ And this sentiment, if his on stage interactions are anything to go by, seem to be even more clear about his gay fans. It is not to say that every straight fan wants to sleep with him or that he loves them any less. But there is a clear understanding by him that there is something special about the LGBT fans that, despite a marketing that was not meant to appeal to gay women, stood by him for now almost a decade. Show after show he has made it abundantly clear that this relationship is just as important and sacred to him as it is to us.

[chriscdcase95]

Examining Amberprice: Deconstructed Idealism

Disclaimer: I am probably gonna make some people angry, and I may be new to the character/relationship analysis game, here it is, my look and take at Chloe Price and Rachel Amber as a relationship. 

I come to my conclusions here based on my observations of them in the first “Life is Strange” game and “Before The Storm” and statements by creators. This analysis may be a few years or so too late, but it is my conclusion that regardless of the actual state of their relationship or Rachel as a character, these are two emotionally damaged individuals in two different ways, both using others as an emotional crutches…and how that is not always healthy. 

Also for the record I am not taking their comic book versions into account since those versions are a confirmed AU. They’d had/have little to no bearing on their game counterparts. I also want to be clear that I don’t write this out of a dislike for Amberprice (in fact I loved them in BTS) but their is just my observations of their relationship as a whole. 

… 

So it goes without saying that Rachel Amber is a popular character in the “Life is Strange” series. One of the things that intrigue many to her is the mystery about the character and her supposed relationship with Chloe Price, and while “Before the Storm” may have disappointed some, especially in regards of its portrayal of Rachel and her relationship with Chloe. Among the complaints where that their relationship was romanticized when Rachel’s creators from the first game said there relationship wasn’t romantic. The first game even went as far as to show us why their relationship wouldn’t be ideal. 

Despite this, it should probably be noted that Chloe was the first one to romanticize Rachel and her friendship with her. We know this because in Chloe’s eyes, Rachel “cheated” on her with a sexual relationship with Frank Bowers. That’s pretty hard to reconcile when you see what can only be described an ideal romantic friendship between the two girls in “Before the Storm”. Bad writing ? Cheap fan service ? Maybe, but I tend to look at characters and relationships into context, especially in the story and/or creator statements. 

What people seem to forget is the point of Rachel as a character is she is what TV Tropes describes as a Deconstructed Character Archetype; in Rachel’s case to the “Magic Girlfriend” archetype to someone like Chloe, and that of a “Perfect Idealized Student” to Blackwell Academy. But as we learn more about her, we see differing sides of her depending on who you ask. Her affair with Frank being the most notable example of this, and we see a side of Rachel that is about the opposite of how everyone else would describe her. Even in “Before the Storm” we are seeing one side of Rachel and her relationship with Chloe, and that is from Chloe’s perspective. 

The entire point of Rachel Amber is she is someone who seems perfect and ideal, but isn’t. 

Now I want to make it clear; Rachel is *not* a bad person. Certainly no more than Chloe, but it is my belief she is “damaged”, possibly just as damaged as Chloe. And *that* is why Rachel and Chloe grew close. I’d say Rachel’s family drama in “Before the Storm”, potentially learning about her father’s attempts to get rid of her biological mother (either from Chloe, or likely Frank down the line) did a number on her and permanently damaged her relationship with her family. From such, Rachel would slowly but surely give more into her id over three years, in turn getting her (more) involved with people with people like Frank or Jefferson. 

I’ve seen some people tend to portray Rachel as this emotionally abusive and manipulative monster who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself, but that is simply not the case. While I do not doubt for a minute that Rachel *does* feel genuine love and empathy towards others, part of her “damage” is that she tends prioritizes her immediate needs and dreams over the long term needs of others, and that she is far more short sighted and impulsive than most would believe of her. Creator statements even say that while Rachel is manipulative, she manipulates people subconsciously and unintentionally, rather than maliciously. 

Rachel may be a chameleon, always changing her colours, but her true colour is grey. 

So let’s say Rachel was using Chloe; I feel Chloe at least felt romantic enough feelings for her that in her mind she “cheated” on her with Frank, despite them not being “together” and Rachel would be at least aware of them is she was manipulating her. Some would say that Rachel was stringing Chloe along, taking advantage of Chloe’s feelings for her…but for what ? For their mutual dream of leaving Arcadia Bay ? For sex ? It’s been said she used Frank and Jefferson as part of her ambitions to leave Acadia Bay, and those relationships at least entailed sex. So if that were the case, wouldn’t the same apply to Chloe ? 

Well that would probably contradict the statement that Rachel’s manipulations are subconscious on her part and not malicious, so it’s very unlikely that Rachel is some heartless harpy taking advantage of Chloe’s feelings for the sake of an artificial friendship or meaningless sex, or the very least feigning a romantic relationship with Chloe. It’s also unlikely that she was using Chloe to leave Arcadia Bay because someone like Frank or Jefferson would be much more resourceful than Chloe in order to ditch town. Matter of fact the only time we see Rachel *use* Chloe in any way, it’s in “Before the Storm” when she has Chloe sneak into her father’s study. 

That’s about it. 

So here’s were we get into my interpretation, based off of what I have seen and heard; Chloe and Rachel’s relationship is pretty one-sided romance wise. That’s not to say Rachel doesn’t love Chloe, romantically or platonically, but this is were we get back to Rachel and Chloe both being emotionally damaged. I honestly think, Rachel can barely differentiate between romantic relationships with platonic ones. That’s why in her eyes, whatever relationship she had with Chloe was purely platonic. 

I would even go as far as to say she doesn’t have much restraint when it comes to sexual relationships, as a form of her damage manifesting itself. By which I mean, she’d probably see or consider sex as something platonically acceptable, and probably felt not more romantically invested in Frank, Jefferson and Chloe. Chloe and Frank both see Rachel as a romantic figure in their lives (Jefferson on the other hand, loves no one), but as far as Rachel goes, I don’t think she’s good as compartmentalizing when it comes to sex. I’m not explicitly saying that Chloe and Rachel had a sexual relationship, but it would make sense to me given that she felt so strongly about Rachel “cheating” on her. 

So what did I conclude here regarding Amberprice ? Well going with what I described above I think their relationship between BTS and her disappearance weren’t as ideal as Chloe would have made it out to be (that much is obvious *without* my analysis) but as for their actual relationship ? I see two emotionally damaged girls using each other as crutches, but in two very different ways. Both of which are unhealthy. 

Chloe has abandonment issues with her best friend moving, just after her father died, and is (like Rachel, not maliciously) using Rachel as a substitute for Max; as such Chloe would be *very* clingy towards Rachel and her issues manifest when Rachel goes missing. Rachel on the other hand, goes about it by using Chloe as an anchor, but her issues would manifest by being more of a “free spirit” than Chloe, because unlike Chloe, Rachel doesn’t see their relationship as romantic. Simply put, Rachel is more of an escapist than Chloe, hence why she has no issue sleeping around with Frank and Jefferson. I’m willing to wager Rachel has slept around with other men and/or women over those three years, probably “taking a break” from Chloe’s clinginess, but would always come back because Chloe is her anchor. Chloe on the other hand would probably be the type who’d refuse to accept a “breakup”. 

I also believe this cycle would have continued if they did leave Arcadia Bay together. In fact I think the think that tipped Chloe off that Rachel was missing in the first game was because after days or weeks, Rachel just didn’t come back to her. 

So yes, I do believe Rachel loved Chloe (just not in the same way or extent that Chloe loved her) and I believe their relationship to have been a more unhealthy one than Chloe would like to admit. And that’s because like Rachel herself, Amberprice would be a deconstruction of something idealized. And yes, it is possible for genuinely loving relationships to be unhealthy or unstable, especially between to unhealthy and unstable individuals such as them. As much as I believe the two cared about each other, they were not good for each other. 

“There’s a danger in loving somebody to much/And it’s bad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust/There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are/Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough.” - Patty Smyth and Don Henley.

 (Maybe a gratuitous use of song lyrics, but they’ve been playing in my head as I was writing this. If I have an ear worm, I’m taking you with me.) 

[mca-attack21]

Riverdale: Deadly Definitions 6

Here we go again, I hope you guys are enjoying this series. Let me know if you want to be tagged. Feedback is always appreciated. @l4life  

Find the other parts here:    Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4   Part 5

The next morning Betty came over to apologize to Archie. The two of them walked to school together and were good again. Veronica had decided to call a truce with Cheryl and was also befriending Josie. Jughead had continued to piece clues together about what really happened the night of Jason’s murder.

That day during Lunch, you and Archie decided that you would work on music before school starting the next day. You were both excited and nervous. You 100% would do anything to help Archie no questions asked. But it was undeniably nerve racking for you to share something like this with anyone. 

After school, you went to Andrew’s construction and Mr. Andrews explained in better detail what he needed done. You spent the majority of the time just trying to organize everything. Occasionally you would answer the phone, it was all easy enough. Afterwards you had him drop you off at Pop’s where you ran into Jughead.

“Hey, whatcha up to?” you ask.

“Just trying to figure out what Jason was running from” 

“I mean if you were a child of the Blossoms, wouldn’t you want to run away too?” you joked.

“Yeah, but why now? What happened to make him choose now to get away?”

“Maybe he wasn’t running away as much as he was running to something” you ponder.

“Maybe. Oh well, I’m done for tonight.” he said as he closed his laptop, “How was your day?”

“Pretty good. How are you and Betty doing?” you wink.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, don’t think I haven’t noticed the  way you two look at each other. And how you too have started doing your own investigations.” 

“We are just friends.” he answered.

“For now” you replied.

“In that case, what’s going on between you and Archie?” he asked.

“Nothing, I’m just helping him with his music”

“Sure. But just remember what happened between him and his last music tutor” Jug laughed.

“That is so not funny” you chime in smacking his arm.

“I’m just saying.”

“I think he likes Veronica anyways” you reply bringing the conversation back down.

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

When you snuck back into the school (which is where you have been staying since the Drive-In was shut down), it was around 3 am. You went straight for the music room. As earlier stated, this was both exciting and nerve-racking. You loved music, but you had never performed in front of any of your friends before. So, you sat at the Piano and warmed up with some showtunes. Eventually, you pulled out your songbook, it had been a while since you sat down and just wrote music. You were running through a song that you had written, when you were interrupted.

“Wow, how did I not know that you were this good?” Archie asked.

You were so confused. What was Archie doing here in the middle of the night? But then you looked down at your phone. It was 7:15. 

“I was just screwing around. Anyways, I’m going to grab us waters. I’ll be back in a minute.” you answer.

“Okay, I’ll get warmed up,” he smiled as he set his guitar down. 

You quickly made your way to the closet where you were staying. You fixed your hair, changed shirts, grabbed some gum, and the two waters before heading back to the music room. 

“Sorry that took so long, the vending machine didn’t want to take my money,” you said as you reentered the room, “so Archie, what exactly are you wanting to get out of these sessions?”

“I don’t exactly know. I’d like help taking my lyrics and turning them into actual songs. So I guess I just need feedback, and suggestions.” 

“That works for me, let’s hear what you’ve been working on lately.” you smiled.

So then Archie began to play. You just listened, he had an amazing voice and was already so good on guitar. As he finished his first song you were in awe. It was so refreshing to hear someone sing about something that mattered. 

“Well, what did you think?” he asked shyly as he set down the guitar.

“It was amazing Arch, it needs to be polished and there are a few lyrics that are off rhythm, but it is so good. You really have a talent for this”

“You really think so?” he asked

“Yes I do. Now do me a favor and sing it again but without the guitar” you say as you hope on the piano. You then proceeded to break down the entire song, and then you played/sang it back to Archie. This allowed him to hear first hand which parts sounded slightly awkward. You started writing down his lyrics and bouncing ideas off each other. Before you knew it, the ten minute warning bell for first period sounded. 

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s already time for class. This was amazing Y/n, thank you so much” he said as he stashed his guitar away. 

“It’s no problem Archie, I’m glad I can help”

And this was your life now. You spent your mornings with Archie working on his music. You went to school like a normal student. And then you walked to Andrews’ Construction. After organizing all of the paperwork you started working on a promotions campaign. You redesigned the business cards, created a free website and uploaded a portfolio of the various jobs they had completed. You answered the phones and helped Mr. Andrews create pitches that were customized to target the specific jobs. You also organized the work schedule and did anything else that Mr. Andrews needed help with. For him, you were nothing less than a godsend. You had already got them two bids and it had only been a week.  

You were at lunch with your friends when Cheryl approached you. “Here. My mother has decided that you are all invited to JayJay’s memorial. Even you losers.” she said towards you and Jughead. 

“I get that she is mourning her brother, but does she have to be such a bitch” Veronica said under her breath.

“Agreed” Betty chimed in.

“Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to have to buy something to wear to Thornhill.” you directed to the two of them, “you guys want to go shopping tomorrow?” 

“I can’t. My mother is still mad about the whole Archie thing” Betty answered.

“Veronica?”

“You know I’m always down for retail therapy.” she smiled.

So the next day you both went to the mall before you went to work. This was the first time that the two of you were hanging out alone.  

“I bet that you saw malls in New York that make this mall look like a dollar store,” you commented.

“That is very true” she laughed.

“So I’m guessing that it is safe to say that you miss it?” you ask as you look through the dresses.

“Parts of it. I miss being a family and I’m not gonna lie the luxury of it all was grand. But I don’t know the people here, while simple, are real. It wasn’t like that in New York” she reminisced.

“What do you think of this one?” you asked holding up a black t-shirt dress. 

“It’s okay, but why don’t you try this one on,” she replied, holding up a simple but beautiful black dress. You grabbed it and held it up in front of you. It was perfect. But then you ventured to the price tag.

“It’s great Veronica, but I can’t afford it.” you reply putting it back on the rack. 

“Nonsense, it’s my treat. I insist.” she said, “Now go try it on” 

As you had learned, you never argue with a Lodge. There is no point, you won’t win. “Are you sure?” you ask.

“Yes, it’s the least I can do after you have extended your friendship to me” she chimed, all but pushing you in the fitting room.

You tried on the dress and were in love. “What do you think?” you asked as you showed Veronica. 

“You look amazing. I have done it once again” she laughed.

Next, she forced you to find a pair of  heels. Her argument was that it would be a crime to wear such a nice dress with average shoes. On the way up to the cash register Veronica had grabbed some other small things. She placed all of it on the counter and pulled out a card.

“Seriously Veronica, you didn’t have to do that” you said as you got into the car.

“It’s fine Y/n, just consider it an early Birthday present.” 

“My birthday isn’t until next month” you laugh, “Seriously though, I owe you one. If there is ever anything you need let me know.”

“Okay, and now moving on. What is between you and Archie?” she asked.

“Nothing, we are just good friends who are working on music together.” you answer.

“Sure. The same way that Betty and Jughead are just friends.”

“I’m serious Veronica, and even if I did have feelings for him, I’m pretty sure he likes someone else.” you add.

“Really? Who?” she asked intrigued. 

“I’ll give you a hint. She is new in town.”

“No way. There is no way Archie Andrews has a thing for me.” she said in disbelief. 

“He hasn’t explicitly told me so, but still it’s kinda obvious.” you say as the car slows to a stop.

“Do you want me to drop off your bags somewhere?” she asked realizing that she still had no idea where you lived. 

“No, I’ll hold on to them. Thanks again Ronnie.”

That night you went to the school and showered. You tried on your dress again, this time with the shoes. You looked through the other bag, Veronica had also bought you a necklace and earrings along with simple make-up palettes and perfume. She was good, you hadn’t even seen her grab half of this stuff and you were right next to her.

The next day you accompanied Mr. Andrews and Archie to the Memorial Service. Archie had decided to give Mrs. Blossom Jason’s old jersey. She was almost in tears over it. Everyone sat down as it was ready to begin. Before Penelope could begin speaking, Cheryl burst in wearing the white outfit she had worn the last time she was Jason. She gave a speech about how she missed him and failed him and then was dragged off by her mother.

And from there things were only going to get worse.

[too-queer-to-live]

I know pride month is literally almost over but I was inspired by this post to compile a list of songs that Hit Differently when covered by a queer artist/interpreted as explicitly queer:

“Accidentally in Love” by The Counting Crows (yes, the one from Shrek)

“So she said, ‘What’s the problem, baby?’ What's the problem? I don't know, well maybe I'm in love... How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it cause I can't ignore it if it's love”

Cover by Mia Wray

“A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri

“Heart beats fast, colors and promises, how to be brave, how can I love when I'm afraid to fall? ... time stands still, beauty in all she is”

“A Whole New World” from Aladdin

“When did you last let your heart decide? ...  A whole new world, a new fantastic point of view; no one to tell us no or where to go or say we're only dreaming”

Cover by princepeterwolf | Violin Cover by The Shirtless Violinist (ft. gay music video)

“Boys” by Charli XCX

“Don't be mad, don't be mad, not like I had a choice, I was busy thinking 'bout boys”

Cover by gay artist Sakima (with modified lyrics) | Cover by Alex Heart

“Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon

“I can't fight this feeling any longer, and yet I'm still afraid to let it flow, what started out this friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I had the strength to let it show... I can’t fight this feeling anymore, I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for”

Gay Music Video

“Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley (insp)

“Shall I stay? Would it be a sin if I can’t help falling in love with you?”

Cover by The Sydney Gay & Lesbian Choir | Cover by Pentatonix

“Cut to the Feeling” by Carly Rae Jepsen

“I've been denying how I feel, you've been denying what you want, (you want from me) talk to me baby”

“Delicate” by Taylor Swift

“Is it cool that I said all that? Is it chill that you're in my head? 'Cause I know that it's delicate”

“Dirty Little Secret” by The All-American Rejects

“When we live such fragile lives, it’s the best way we survive... you are the only one that needs to know; I’ll keep you my dirty little secret; don’t tell anyone or you’ll be just another regret”

“Don’t Matter” by Akon

“Nobody want to see us together, but it don’t matter, no... cause we gonna fight... fight for our right to love”

“For Good” by Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel - From Wicked

“I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn... I do believe I have been changed for the better, and because I knew you... I have been changed for good”

“Girls” by The 1975

“I'm worrying about my brother finding out; what’s the fun in doing what you're told?”

Cover by Daisy Clark

“Grand Theft Autumn / Where Is Your Boy” by Fall Out Boy

“Where is your boy tonight? I hope he is a gentleman, maybe he won't find out what I know: you were the last good thing about this part of town”

Cover by headlesscabbage

“Heaven” by Julia Michaels

“Love's my religion but he was my faith, something so sacred so hard to replace; falling for him was like falling from grace... no need to imagine, ‘cause I know it’s true; they say all good boys go to heaven, but bad boys bring heaven to you”

Cover by Mark Jeffcoat

“Heaven’s Gate” by Fall Out Boy

“In the end if I don't make it on the list, would you sneak me a wristband? Or would you give me... a boost over Heaven's gate? I'm gonna need a boost ‘cause everything else is a substitute for your love”

“If It Kills Me” by Jason Mraz

“Well all I really wanna do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use... This double life I lead isn't healthy for me, in fact it makes me nervous; if I get caught I could be risking it all”

“I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz

“It's our God-forsaken right to be loved... so I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait”

“Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield

“Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine... I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is probably moot ”

Cover by queer artist Mary Lambert

“Let it Go” by Demi Lovato - From Frozen

“Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried; don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be; conceal, don't feel, don't let them know, well, now they know; let it go, let it go, can't hold it back anymore”

“Like Real People Do” by Hozier

“Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips; we should just kiss like real people do”

“Make You Miss Me” by Sam Hunt

“Every boy you ever met was too easy to forget, well, I ain't going out like that”

Cover by Sophia Scott

“Mr. Brightside” by The Killers

“Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine”

ps: It’s a Bisexual Anthem

“Never Stop” by SafetySuit

“And with this love song to you, it’s not a momentary phase”

“Night Changes” by One Direction

“She's falling, doesn't even know it yet, having no regrets is all that she really wants; we're only getting older baby”

Cover by Georgia Merry

“Perfect” by Ed Sheeran

“We are still kids, but we're so in love, fighting against all odds; I know we'll be alright this time”

Cover by Hannah Trigwell | Cover by Luciana Zogbi | Cover by The Shirtless Violinist ft. Tom Goss | Gay Music Video

“Rainbow” by Kesha

“You'll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby trust me, I know life is scary but just put those colors on, girl, come and play along with me tonight”

“Reflection” (Pop Version) by Christina Aguilera - From Mulan

“You may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me; every day it’s as if I play a part... I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart... Somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart and be loved for who I am; who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know? Must I pretend that I’m someone else for all time? When will my reflection show who I am inside?”

“Rude” by MAGIC!

“Don’t you know I’m human too? Why you gotta be so rude? I’m gonna marry her anyway... no matter what you say”

Cover by Kina Grannis | LGBT Cover w/ altered lyrics: “It’s not a phase, can't live without her; love me or hate me we will be gay standing at that altar, or we will run away to a more accepting place”

“She Looks so Perfect” by 5SOS

“Let's get out, cause this deadbeat town's only here just to keep us down... You look so perfect standing there in my American Apparel underwear”

Cover by Against The Current

“Shut Up And Dance” by Walk The Moon

“Oh don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me;  I said you're holding back, she said shut up and dance with me; this woman is my destiny”

Instrumental Cover by the Lesbian & Gay Big Apple Corps | Cover by Natalie Joly

“Single” by The Neighbourhood

“I don't know if we should be alone together, I still got a crush, that's obvious, if nobody's around, what's stopping us?”

Cover by NeLLa

“Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt

“They keep saying we laugh just a little too loud, we stand just a little too close, we stare just a little too long-- maybe they're seeing something we don't, darlin... let’s give ‘em something to talk about, how about love?”

“Take Me to Church” by Hozier (official video features gay couple)

“The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you; I was born sick, but I love it, command me to be well”

Cover by gay artist Jonathon Royse | Cover by Ellie Goulding

“The Only Exception” by Paramore

“Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts, and we've got to find other ways to make it alone but keep a straight face”

“Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran

“People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand... maybe we found love right where we are”

“Out and Proud” by Gangsta Gudiya feat. Nikhil D’souza and Ugoeze - w/ altered lyrics: “People fall in love in every which way, whether it’s a woman or man; doesn’t really matter if I’m straight or gay, I don’t want my love to be bad, so honey now please accept me for who I am; let me live life the only way I can”

“This Is What You Came For” by Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna (inspired by this post)

“Everybody’s watching her but she’s looking at you”

“Thnks fr th Mmrs” by Fall Out Boy

“He tastes like you, only sweeter”

“Treat You Better” by Shawn Mendes

“I know I can treat you better than he can” (and, as I used to mishear it, “any guy like you deserves a gentleman”)

Cover by gay artist TheVloggingNook | Lesbian Version w/ altered lyrics: “any gay like you deserves a lesbian”

“Video Games” by Lana del Ray

“They say that the world was built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you; baby now you do”

Cover by The Young Professionals (the main reason this song made the list)

“You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift

“You say you’re fine- I know you better than that, hey whatcha doing with a girl like that?...  Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time”

Gay Music Video Re-Make by The YellowJackets

“You’ll Be In My Heart” by Phil Collins

“Why can't they understand the way we feel? They just don't trust what they can't explain; I know we're different, but deep inside us we're not that different at all... don't listen to them, ‘cause what do they know? We need each other, to have, to hold”

(Feel free to add more!!)

[tiddiesbyjoon]

I Wanna Hold Hands With You

Jungkook might be a bit of a Troye Sivan fanboy. As much as he would like to argue that it is just because of his music (which is really really good), it’s not. Jimin might be finding a new Idol in Holland and Jungkook is confused.

Or: jungkook is gay and oblivious. Angst and fluff mild smut

Chapter 1: Fools Ao3

Jungkook is gay (really gay) he knows he is and he accepts it. But he hasn’t really told anyone else that. It's never really come up. It's not that the other members Don't Know, it's just that they don't explicitly say it. I mean, who listens to this much Troye Sivan and is straight? Honestly, Jungkook was jealous of the way that he gets to live. He is entirely, unapologetically, himself in all his gayness. But Jungkook could never come out. The Idol world just doesn’t work that way. It would cost him everything.

In all the years bangtan spent becoming the family that they are today, this topic has somehow stayed off the table. Logically he knows, somewhere in the back of his head, that none of the other members would turn away from him for something like this but he still felt like it was impossible to say the words. Not to mention the much bigger, deeper, more problematic secret that he really, really needed to keep.

That secret just walked into his room, of course without knocking. He was practically bouncing and walked directly to Jungkook plopping down next to him. Well, next to him might not be accurate - more like on top of him... in his lap. Jungkook immediately looked away in a vain attempt to remain unbothered.

“Jungkookie! Jungkookie! Jungkookie!!” Jimin repeated over, smacking the flat of his palm against Jungkook’s chest in desperate attempts to receive his precious attention. Jungkook was playing hard to get which was entirely selfish because it’s just so cute to see how Jimin whines and pouts. He stood his ground and kept his head turned away and his eyes averted; avoiding Jimin’s eyes as he wiggled around in his lap.

But after a few more minutes of mixed abuse and cooing Jungkook couldn't resist the temptation to look back at him. And, not to be dramatic, but he could feel his heart actually explode in his chest.

A breathless laugh escaped Jungkook as he tried to play off just how nervous this closeness made him. “What did you want Jiminie hyung?”

Jimin giggled at the affectionate name as if Jungkook didn't call him that 9 times out of 10 anyways and responds “I was only gonna ask if you had seen this new song that came out. It’s by a boy called Holland.” Jungkook shook his head. “It’s really cute, I wanna show you.” Jimin was looking down at Jungkook's shirt and lightly brushed the collar with his (oh so so tiny and cute) hand.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing, god” Jimin sighed and got out of Jungkook's lap. Jungkook already missed the heat. He didn’t think the question was so outrageous but Jimin walked straight out of the room. What did I do wrong?? But before Jungkook could work himself into a heart attack Jimin came barging back in sliding on the hardwood in his fuzzy socks and his phone in his hand.

“Here I’ll show you on my phone”

“Oh, okay. I could just put it on the TV?”

“No, this is better”

“Okay hyung whatever you say”

Their faces were close in the dark room and Jimin played the video for a song called Neverland. Jungkook could feel Jimin’s little fly aways tickling his cheek and it took all that’s in him not to giggle along with the butterflies in his stomach. The song seemed pretty generic, nothing really stood out about it but Jungkook couldn't focus on the lyrics because he was too busy Not Looking At Jimin. But, something about the way Holland was interacting with his friend made his stomach feel tight. Jungkook’s brain is running at a million miles a minute but it somehow seems to be unable to actually create any thoughts. Jimin felt stiff by his side, not his usual loose and pliable self. The song went on and- Then it happened. Both of them stopped breathing and it felt like years until the video finally ended and it was silent.

“What did you think?”

“It was okay” Jungkook managed despite his inability to process anything at the moment.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay” His mouth felt dry and he could feel his fight or flight (or freeze) response taking hold in the back of his head. Jimin just nodded a little and left the room.

Over the next few days Jimin played that song over and over. Jungkook still stood by his thought that the song is pretty generic and low budget but he couldn’t get the video out of his head. Everytime he heard Jimin play it he was reminded of the two boys kissing and being so close to Jimin as they watched. It was torture.

And it only got worse. Soon it was, “Hobi hyung isn't he so cute?” “Taetae isn't he cool?” “Namjoonie hyung can’t we do a song with him?” The other members were nice but cautious when talking about it, still tiptoeing around what none of them wanted to say out loud.

“Jimin you know why we can’t do a song with Holland” Namjoon responded. Jimin frowned but said nothing.

Today Jimin was (somehow) even happier than usual; just absolutely bubbling over and giggling and it lifted the spirits of everyone in the room.

“What's got you so happy today Jiminie hyung” Taehyung finally asked over lunch in the kitchen.

“Nothing” Jimin said smiling in a way that made it clear that there was a very specific reason.

“Just tell us what it is, we know you want to.” Yoongi butted in.

Jimin wasn't deterred by Yoongi’s blunt delivery but smiled his perfect smile where his eyes are practically closed and his teeth are on full display. “Holland said I was his favorite member of bts and that I was cute.” Jimin giggled some more and quickly added “I mean he also said Taehyungie but that's not important” Taehyung laughs, hitting Jimin in retaliation and a few of the others laugh along with them.  

Is it really that important that Holland said he likes Jimin? I mean lots of people are talking about us these days. He probably only did it for clout. Jungkook felt torn because something in him couldn't help but feel elated by Jimin’s radiating happiness while another part of him was jealous that Jimin was being made so happy these days by some random baby-Idol with one (1) song out.

Instead of ruining everyone else's good time Jungkook took his food back to his own room, ignoring the protesting loud “Yah!” coming from Jin.

Jungkook jumped onto his bed and laid there like a dead fish. He kind of knew that Jimin would come after him but he pretended that he didn't, so he was only superficially surprised when Jimin knocked on the door softly. Knocked... he never knocks.

“Yeah, come in.” Jimin peeped his little blonde head in the room.

“Are you upset Jungkookie?” he asked, making his way over to join Jungkook on his bed.

“No” a half assed lie as Jimin draped his body over Jungkook's in a koala cuddle.

Jimin sighed, “why are you like this kookie? I know when your lying to me.” Jungkook said nothing. “So… tell me what’s wrong. Or will I have to torture it out of you?” Jimin wiggled his cute fingers in threat of tickle-torture and Jungkook can’t go through that pain, not again.

“It’s stupid”

“It’s not.” Jungkook hesitated, there was no way he could really lie to Jimin about this, not when his pretty brown eyes were staring him down.

“I just don’t understand why you like Holland hyung so much.” Jungkook kept trying to look him in the eyes but he was failing. Jimin was taken aback; suddenly what was left of his bubbly mood dispersed and was replaced with something much more vulnerable.

“It’s the same reason you like Troye Sivan so much.”

“No its not.” Jungkook stated simply.

“He is really brave and he’s a step in moving towards a more accepting society”

“But why would that matter to you?” He doesn't say it with malice but Jimin’s eyes grew wider. Their faces were only inches apart, close enough to breathe the same air.

“I just thought... well I assumed that you knew- that it was obvious.”

“What is obvious?” Jungkook felt numb.

“Jungkook.. Um.. how do I tell you this,” an embarrassed chuckle fell from Jimins lips “uh, I like boys. I’m gay Jungkookie.”

Jungkook felt like his brain was melting; his entire world coming into question. For years (YEARS) Jungkook has known Jimin it’d never once crossed his mind that he might be like him- that he might be gay. Apparently all Jungkook could say is a small “oh.”

“Are you okay?” Jimin asked, nervous and concerned.

“You’re not gay. You've never been gay.”

“Yes I have. And I am”

“You’ve been with guys before? Even kissed a guy before?”

“Well no. I haven't. I’d like to though” Jimin admitted, clearly embarrassed, “one day.”

“So, how do you know?”

“I just do Jungkook-ah”

The room was quiet but Jimin didn’t move. His head was resting on Jungkook's chest and he was watching Jungkook carefully. Jimin finally moved his eyes away from Jungkook’s only to look at his lips before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. Jimin shifted upwards on Jungkook so that his face was hovering directly above his. Then Jimin closed the distance meeting Jungkook’s lips with his own. It was quick and innocent but both boys were blushing heavily.

“Now I have.”