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elendpendragon-blog · 8 years ago

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Elendenal sat down with a creak of plate, moving his right hand - unadorned in plate, to enable his intended task - to take the pen from its place inside the holder, looking down to the parchment spread before him. A moment’s consideration and he set the pen to paper, writing his thoughts upon its surface.

Zephyr 25, 1300 AE

I find myself at something of a crossroads, writing these thoughts upon paper as a means to draw the feelings associated to them from me, and perhaps establish a record to be used in future. Let me state for the record herein, that I am a man conflicted. These past weeks have seen extraordinary developments in my life, but so too have they seen me face challenges I did not - perhaps naively - expect to have to confront again. There are barriers in my path, now, that must be removed with utmost delicacy: lest the effort to do so shatter the very thing I wish to reach beyond their obstacle.

I have been made Field Marshal of the Coalition, if that is what it can be called, at Lake Doric. This is not how I intended to spend my time at this Camp, but neither can I write here in honesty that it is a turn of events I am going to strive to oppose. My arrival in Lake Doric was less a conscious decision and more a matter of providence: a path that was laid for me by Balthazar, I suspect, through my mortal associates. If not for that night in the Rurikton Cafe, I never would be here.

None of this would have happened, had I not met Margrave Elysian, my now-dear friend and brother in cause, upon that auspicious evening.

It is ironic, I believe the term is, that I am impeded in my task to rid the enemies of mankind from Lake Doric by the very people that convinced me to give my aid here. Lady Aubrey Valente knows not how much she changed my life, with that simple suggestion of hers. Luxelen, my friend - or so I hope - stands as the largest impediment in my attempts to bring an end to the carnage and suffering in Lake Doric. I have attempted to reason with her, and shown her respect and courtesy in the act, and at best she has responded with cool disdain.

I am told by Alissa Lepre, the newest member of the Scions of the Six, that it is Luxelen’s way of adapting - that she will ‘come around’ eventually. While I am not opposed to her having the time she needs, it makes me worry for the people of Lake Doric. While the one that should be an ardent ally dithers, they die by the dozens, and more refugees are created every day. It is not that I do not understand her recalcitrance, it is simply that I do not believe that this is the place for it. I will never understand her mind, I fear, for we are naturally opposed creatures, her and I.

The Refuge Defense Force will be recalled, according to Alissa, and that is for the better. Luxelen does not understand the fundamental necessitation of war: she is too passionate, too focused on what she sees - whether correct or incorrect - as an enemy to understand when she does not know something, or when her views are damaging, if not outright destructive. A rogue element in a battlefield, be it a single person or a full unit, pose a danger to their parent force and allies even greater than an enemy. A single misstep in the grand strategy, a single unforeseen disobedience, and the entire army risks shattering. It is one thing for your enemy to surprise you, it is far more catastrophic to be sabotaged from within - especially when that sabotage is entirely unintended.

If the R.F.D take to the field without being part of the chain of command, they will kill a great many people, and I fear many of them will be due to nothing more than idealistic ignorance. War is not like the stories, it is not a tale where a valorous few can make the difference in spite of everything else. It is methodical, it is alive, it is a constant game of chess between Commanders. One piece out of place, and the entire board is compromised. If against all odds they take the field and refuse orders, I will not sanction a diverting of force to save them, and nor will I allow them to deploy within a mile of Coalition forces.

I cannot justify killing dozens, perhaps hundreds more, and crippling our forces to rescue a unit that is at this stage more of a strategic impediment than a benefit. I pray they do not fight, they are good people, kind people, even if they make terrible soldiers. Humanity needs their compassion, their kindness, and their benevolence - but I cannot use a sword that refuses to swing where it is directed, and the R.F.D is akin to the most unreliable blade in the armoury.

Luminary Drake Griggs also appears to be a potential obstacle, which is odd from a man I considered a fast friend. At the meeting I called for the military leaders of the camp, Lord Griggs was at best a quiet observer, at worst mildly disinterested. He strikes me as a man of few words absent cause, yet it was his support I was accounting as one of the most resolute. Perhaps this estimate of him as a man unconcerned with politics was overhasty. The Luminary offered no objection when I was nominated with Aodhan and Cainneth, yet now he appears almost to be avoiding me, as if he does not wish to acknowledge the reality of what occurred.

This is worrisome, as I factored he and Cervato Haswari both as staunch and committed allies in this war. I pray I can still count on Cervato in this, but if the Luminary is hedging, I cannot help but feel she will follow him in doing so. This would be crippling to our coalition; the Accord is set to lead the main core of our infantry.

Aodhan Helstrom, Morgan Valister and Cainneth Cross I have no concerns about. The first is a man of war, he knows what’s needed and he understands the demands of honour and commitment to purpose. I foresee many late evenings discussing strategy and tactics with the weathered Headmaster, a disciple of Balthazar in both thought and deed. Cainneth Cross I can safely say has become a treasured friend, and a source of unerring integrity and wise counsel. Of all those to have joined the Scions, he truly is an Exemplar in truth. As for Morgan Valister, she is precisely what one would expect: austere, stoic, and utterly merciless. In her eyes, I see the rage of butchered Ascalon, and a war fervour to rival mine own. Lady Valister will be an integral part of this war effort, both for her mental acumen and the morale she will inspire in those around her.

These allied forces hold much promise, in the prosecution of the war against the Mantle. With Crown support coming from Cainneth, and the combined forces of the Accord, and Noble Houses part of the various organisations in camp, and the brilliance of the Schools, I had expected a powerful war machine. I am reminded, at this time, of one of my first initiatives: a campaign against a banner of Dragonsworn on behalf of the Vigil, in Scion 215, 1327 AE. We had tracked their forces to a large expanse near the Ascalon border, and I had been commissioned by the Vigil to prosecute the hunt for the heretics. I still remember their mad screeches as my couched lancers shattered them, the impact of the lances blowing apart their bodies and the thunder of the charge crushing skull and bone underhoof.

There is nothing more satisfying than a victory won through adherence to the doctrines of war: to adherence to honour, loyalty, and love of one’s comrades. I cannot think of a more fitting reward than the smiles of joy on the faces of those you led not into death, but into the new dawn, through superior use of assets and dominion of the strategic and tactical planes. There is a beautiful purity in the attainment of a good victory, of a pure victory, and the successful prosecution of an entire campaign - absent regret, or the stain of unsavoury deeds, neither of which I am pleased to say I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.

Cristian Eskara is not in the same situation.

A man of considerable zeal, he continues to teeter between redeemed and damned, switching one day from humility and sombre remorse to arrogance and unapologetic savagery. The High Exemplar has become a wraith of his own destruction, justifying things that could never be justified, impugning my reputation and motivations, and diverting from the conversation the moment his contradictions and falsifications are highlighted. It saddens me. I have faith in Cristian Eskara, more faith than Genevieve believes I should have, but I cannot turn away from him nor forsake him. In many ways, he is a victim of his own circumstance, a war casualty over a much greater period of conflict. I wish to believe he can save himself from his own demons, even if nobody else will.

My next decisions will shape what is to come, and I know I must tread carefully. If I can secure the Luminary’s support, dispel Luxelen’s doubts, and manage to unite these people - to gain the chance I need, I can shatter any lingering misgivings. I will prosecute this war with integrity, honour, and valour befitting the God of War. I will take this burden upon my shoulders and carry it to the end of the line. I have no aspirations for Empire, no matter what Cristian believes: I just wish to end the suffering, end the bloodshed, and protect those falling victim to its growing violence. Every day this war drags on, good men, good women, pay for it. It is my duty to defend mankind against that which assails it, and no threat is greater in its immediacy than the Mantle at Lake Doric.

I pray that my comrades in this cause rally to me, that Drake, Cervato, Luxelen, Cainneth, Aodhan, Morgan, William and Cristian - yes, even dear, misguided Cristian - stand with me and give me the faith I need, the faith I have given them, to not just end this war: but do so in a way that every man, woman, and otherwise can look back on and say was done rightly, and properly. If they but offer me the moment, I will seize it, and victory will follow. This is not simply a fight for land or territory, it is a war for the human soul. How we fight it and how we win it are equally as important as winning itself.

I will pray they recognise the truth of my intent, and give me their support.

The alternative, I fear, is an end to all we have worked for.

Signed,

Elendenal Pendragon IV,

Scion of Honour.

( @luxelen, @cristianeskara, @genevievekent, @lordgriggs, @rising-ember )

#lake doric #the stormfall crusade #the stormfall coalition #cristian eskara #drake griggs #lucas elysian #luxelen larkspur #genevieve kent #morgan valister #cainneth cross #aodhan helstrom #cervato haswari #elendenal pendragon #story #the scions of the six #journal entry #memoirs

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ffxivakyi · 6 years ago

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Twenty Second Sun of the Fourth Umbral Moon

Book, this sennight end I will be making new armor.

It was the biggest spider I have ever seen, it was a moment of chaos. Kiest and Luce trying to negotiate, Farson getting stabby. To me it is a spider, who can talk and was already asking us to be good meat sacks for her eggs, or was it babies. Papa is back for now, he says he is scouting for my Mother. He expected me to be cross at him, he has that look, like he expects me to growl. I know he wants to do something, he feels helpless. I do not want him feeling this way, I gave him my blessing, I pray he never finds her.

So Book, I got acid all over my armor, and on me. It was very unfun, and I am still trying to control all of this. I felt, like I was kinda there and kinda not, it was strange, like that one time I tried drugs. I woke up trying to scream but I had no voice, they were around me worried. Book, someone was afraid, I could feel it. I was not afraid, was I? The spider was dead, why was I feeling something I was not? Papa gave, and I healed. I do not know if I am alright with that. I do not know if I could hurt him this way. So I went to the work shop and started cutting new leather for my next set of armor. It will be like my old set, just perhaps a different color. I have plenty of dragon scales, and the armor pieces Faysal made were fine.

#ffxiv balmung #FFXIV #Lucas Spider #scarlet bloom #faysal amatu #akyhi tyme #draxthious tyme #farrson odim #Kiest resad #seeds of madness #dreams of elysian #Akyhi's on going plot :Dark side of the moon #Lucerna Sainahs

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southernartcritic-blog · 2 years ago

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At last, for your bread and circus pleasure, here is our complete list of on-screen recommendations made between 1979-2021.

American Movies made after 1979 that I found worth a second view:

Wise Blood (1979)

Being There (1979)

The Warriors (1979)

10 (1979)

The Shining (1980)

Somewhere in Time (1980)

Caddyshack (1980)

Scanners (1981)

Blade Runner (1982)

The Dark Crystal (1982)

Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)

Michael Jackson: Thriller (1983)

National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983)

Ghostbusters (1984)

Blood Simple (1984)

1984 (1984)

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985)

Commando (1985)

Brazil (1985)

Summer Rental (1985)

Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985)

Down and Out in Beverly Hills (1986)

Short Circuit (1986)

Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Flight of the Navigator (1986)

9½ Weeks (1986)

Children of a Lesser God (1986)

Labyrinth (1986)

Lucas (1986)

The Fly (1986)

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

The Princess Bride (1987)

Batteries Not Included (1987)

RoboCop (1987)

Near Dark (1987)

They Live (1988)

Dead Ringers (1988)

Bird (1988)

Willow (1988)

Bright Lights, Big City (1988)

Radio Bikini (1988)

Short Circuit 2 (1988)

Beetlejuice (1988)

Heathers (1989)

Christmas Vacation (1989)

Sex, Lies, and Videotape (1989)

Dreams (1990)

Prancer (1989)

Harlem Nights (1989)

Dead Poet’s Society (1989)

Parenthood (1989)

Who’s Harry Crumb (1989)

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Dreams (1990)

Home Alone (1990)

Young Guns ll (1990)

Quick Change (1990)

The Witches (1990)

Goodfellas (1990)

Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Naked Lunch (1991)

Regarding Henry (1991)

The Last Boy Scout (1991)

The Fisher King (1991)

What About Bob (1991)

Doc Hollywood (1991)

Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead (1991)

Bugsy (1991)

Nothing but Trouble (1991)

Switch (1991)

Ricochet (1991)

Flirting (1991)

People Under the Stairs (1991)

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Baraka (1992)

Deep Cover (1992)

The Player (1992)

Juice (1992)

Boomerang (1992)

A League of Their Own (1992)

Hero (1992)

True Romance (1993)

Groundhog Day (1993)

Judgement Night (1993)

Untamed Heart (1993)

A Perfect World (1993)

Dazed and Confused (1993)

Kalifornia (1993)

Pulp Fiction (1994)

PCU (1994)

Natural Born Killers (1994)

The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)

Silent Fall (1994)

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)

Wolf (1994)

The Crow (1994)

Nobody’s Fool (1994)

Casino (1995)

Dead Man (1995)

To Die For (1995)

Kids (1995)

Seven (1995)

Matilda (1996)

Sleepers (1996)

Kingpin (1996)

Fargo (1996)

Blood and Wine (1996)

Flirting with Disaster (1996)

The Ice Storm (1997)

Lost Highway (1997)

The House of Yes (1997)

Lolita (1997)

Boogie Nights (1997)

Booty Call (1997)

The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997)

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (1997)

Gang Related (1997)

Gummo (1997)

Jackie Brown (1997)

The Devil’s Advocate (1997)

Breakdown (1997)

Enemy of the State (1998)

Wild Things (1998)

Batman (1989)

Psycho (1998)

Fallen (1998)

Sliding Doors (1998)

Patch Adams (1998)

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

All the Little Animals (1998)

The Truman Show (1998)

Meet Joe Black (1998)

Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)

The Talented Mr. Ripley (1999)

The Matrix (1999)

The Ninth Gate (1999)

Magnolia (1999)

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)

Eye of the Beholder (1999)

Being John Malkovich (1999)

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

Instinct (1999)

Ravenous (1999)

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999)

Being John Malkovich (1999)

Best in Show (2000)

American Psycho (2000)

Cast Away (2000)

Best in Show (2000)

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

Monster’s Ball (2001)

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Donnie Darko (2001)

Frailty (2001)

The Man from Elysian Fields (2001)

Hannibal (2001)

Storytelling (2001)

Mulholland Dr. (2001)

Josie and the Pussycats (2001)

The Hours (2002)

Secretary (2002)

Beat the Devil (2002)

The Sweetest Thing (2002)

Lost in Translation (2003)

The Big Lebowski (2003)

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)

Spun (2003)

Monster (2003)

The Human Stain (2003)

Man on Fire (2004)

Closer (2004)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005)

No Country for Old Men (2005)

A History of Violence (2005)

Fierce People (2005)

Broken Flowers (2005)

The New World (2005)

V for Vendetta (2005)

Tideland (2005)

Factotum (2005)

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)

The Proposition (2005)

A Scanner Darkly (2006)

The Fall (2006)

Idiocracy (2006)

Zodiac (2007)

There Will Be Blood (2007)

Michael Clayton (2007)

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)

Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007)

The Girl Next Door (2007)

Fracture (2007)

An American Crime (2007)

Into the Wild (2007)

Death Proof (2007)

Synecdoche, New York (2008)

Appaloosa (2008)

Doubt (2008)

Burn After Reading (2008)

The Dark Knight (2008)

Gran Torino (2008)

The Wrestler (2008)

City of Ember (2008)

The Ramen Girl (2008)

Hachi: A Dog’s Tale (2009)

Crossing Over (2009)

Antichrist (2009)

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps (2010)

Black Swan (2010)

Melancholia (2011)

J. Edgar (2011)

Killer Elite (2011)

The Mechanic (2011)

Midnight in Paris (2011)

Drive (2011)

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

Water for Elephants (2011)

Chained (2012)

Cloud Atlas (2012)

The Place Beyond the Pines (2012)

The Master (2012)

The Iceman (2012)

Life of Pi (2012)

Her (2013)

Blue Jasmine (2013)

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Snowpiercer (2014)

Phil Spector (2013)

The Giver (2014)

Big Eyes (2014)

Kill the Messenger (2014)

Winter’s Tale (2014)

Foxcatcher (2014)

Ex Machina (2014)

Sea of Trees (2015)

The Hateful Eight (2015)

Experimenter (2015)

Sicario (2015)

Mascots (2016)

The Neon Demon (2016)

Rebel in the Rye (2017)

The Wizard of Lies (2017)

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

Wonder Wheel (2017)

Phantom Thread (2017)

The Shape of Water (2017)

Lucky (2017)

The House that Jack Built (2018)

Under the Silver Lake (2018)

Mandy (2018)

The Devil We Know (2018)

Dark Waters (2019)

City of Lies (2019)

The Irishman (2019)

Elsewhere (2019)

The Beach Bum (2019)

Richard Jewell (2019)

Capone (2020)

Pig (2021)

Old (2021)

Nightmare Alley (2021)

Binge-worthy Shows of Recent Years:

Chuck

Breaking Bad

Better Call Saul

The Good Wife

Person of Interest

Animal Kingdom

Mind Hunter

Hannibal

Dexter

Six Feet Under

Tales from the Crypt

The Righteous Gemstones

The X-Files

Honorable Mentions:

Westworld

Game of Thrones

Sopranos

Deadwood

True Detective

Yellowstone

Black Mirror

American Horror Story

Dope Sick

The Old Man

Yellowjackets

Billions

Patrick Melrose

Yellowstone

Boardwalk Empire

You

The Handmaid's Tale

Bonus 80’s Faves:

Night Court

Alf

Twilight Zone

The Muppets

#wise blood #film list #1979-2022 #recommendations #top film picks #netflix #southern art critic #night court tv show #1980's #1990's #2000's #there will be blood #the exorcist #movies and more #film criticism #definitive film list #greatest movies ever made

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thehalfbloodedwitch · 3 years ago

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🦅 — cym as your favorite characters! (from every movie or shows etc.)

Ahhh kk let's do this !!!

You as Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games

@blackthunder137 as Dean Winchester from SPN

@miss-celestial-being as Lucas from Stranger Things

@littlemissnoname13 as Simon Lewis from Shadow Hunters

@nevilleismywhore as Newt Scamander from Fabtastic beasts and where to find them

@loopy-lupinn as Robin Buckley from Stranger Things

@dr4cking as Isabelle Lightwood from Shadow Hunters

@spring-picnics as Ben Harggreeves from Umbrella Academy

@kazscrow as Nancy Wheeler from Stranger Things

@lilmissquackson as Vanya Hargreaves from Umbrella Academy

@elysian-i as Max from Stranger Things

@ladyvesuvia as Allison Hargreaves from Umbrella Academy

@shespeaksinsongs as Peeta Mellark from The Hunger Games

Join the celebration!! 🥳

#miaaaa🙃#nix's northern star celebration!#100 followers !!

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josievolundir · 7 years ago

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@lucaselysian

#Josie Volundir #Lucas Elysian #Reminded me of them

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marmolady · 3 years ago

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Blue, Blue Christmas: Part One

Main Pairings: Estela x (f)MC

Summary: It's Christmas on La Huerta, and for once, Liv isn't in any kind of festive spirit. PART TWO here.

Word Count: 3660

Chronology: set several months after 'All That Matters'

Warnings: mental illness, depression coming out (asexual)

Tagging: @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr

______________________________

La Huerta, 2039

Liv shivered and huddled deeper into her heavy quilt, her face buried. It being an expensive hotel, the Elysian’s rooms had excellent sound-proofing, but even they couldn’t completely drown out the sounds of excitable children storming the halls on the morning of Christmas Eve. For three of them, she knew, the day prior had been their first time seeing snow, and the lure of a winter wonderland beyond the lodge’s front doors had the little ones rising with the sun.

Not Liv, though. If she left her bed, Michael would be hanging off her in minutes. And her moms would valiantly attempt to get a conversation out of her. ‘How’d you sleep?’ Stupid question. Sleep was about all Liv was good for these days. ‘Think you might go skiing with us this afternoon?’ She just wanted to be alone….

Things were supposed to get better when she got here. They always had. But, Liv was discovering, depression was a bitch. A bitch that didn’t care for the romantic notion that old family traditions could bring the same happiness, the same relief just because they’d done so time and time again in years past. It was hard for anything to help when Liv herself couldn’t picture what ‘help’ could even look like. She was desperately lonely and wanted to be alone. She missed being fit and active, and hated the idea of crawling out of her bed. She knew she should probably take better care of herself-- shower more than her one reluctant attempt per week-- but who was she prettying herself up for anyway? It wasn’t as if a few strokes of a hairbrush would make her suddenly worthy of love… desirable.

She closed her eyes, and by the time she awoke, the sun was high in the sky and pouring through the windows.

Liv groaned. It was quiet now. Probably, the kids were out playing in the snow. So, she dragged herself out of bed.

The Elysian was a busy place this Christmas. Usually, it would just be her moms and tio abuelo, her Uncle Aleister, Auntie Grace and their kids, and Tio Diego and Uncle Varyyn coming together for Christmas. In the past, there had been occasions when one or more of the other Catalysts would join them, but for the most part, they had families elsewhere. This time, Jake and Sean would be spending Christmas with their La Huerta family-- and introducing their newly adopted trio of children to the wonders of the island. Michael, their son whom Taylor had carried as a surrogate some five years ago, was bouncing off the walls with the excitement of introducing his new siblings to his special place. But that wasn’t enough him to totally distract him from his big special cousin. Michael hadn’t seemed to notice that his special big cousin wasn’t much fun anymore… certainly Lucas, Benny and Georgie didn’t see the appeal. It made Liv ache. She’d been the fun one once, the one the younger kids were drawn to like moths to a flame. She was goofy and full of energy-- ‘was’ in the past tense. But Michael still loved her. Maybe he was waiting for her to be the same cousin she’d been before… or maybe he just wanted to love her back to happiness. Liv didn’t really like to be touched by anyone these days… but Michael was the exception; it would be a cold day in hell before she didn’t let that kid hug her. Resigned as she was to keeping up the role of favourite cousin, Liv couldn’t face that the second she left the safety of her room.

It had started in the summer, this depression. She’d had a bad fall when out hiking, leaving her resting at home and dealing with what had turned out to be post-concussion syndrome. That had been a problem. The usually constantly-on-the-go Liv was stopped in her tracks, with little to do but retreat into herself… and find herself with all too much time to dwell on every fear that had ever troubled her. Once she let herself venture into that dark place, she’d found herself helplessly trapped there. It was difficult to tell where the concussion ended and the depression began-- a lot of the effects could so easily have been either or, if it even mattered. But Liv couldn’t concentrate. She barely had the energy to get through a day, let alone claw back any semblance of what her life had been just months prior. She was low, and she would snap at the drop of the hat. At least the headaches had finally stopped…. So, maybe what was left wasn’t directly related to the head injury. Maybe this was just who Liv was now….?

She didn’t want to be this person. She hated this person. All of her. Especially the parts that frightened her… those she’d yet to share with anyone.

Peace and quiet lasted all the time it took Liv to pick at her breakfast. She winced and put her free hand over an ear as the younger ones charged in from the snow.

“Liiiv!” Michael cried as he stampeded over, arms open wide.

Even as her body became tense, Liv didn’t want to hurt the kid’s feelings. She loved that kid.

“Good morning, Michael,” she grunted, dodging a flailing hand. “Look, I’ll give you a hug, just calm down a little, okay?”

Michael’s two brothers, Lucas and Benny, held back. They were only little-- seven and five-- and she was, in their eyes, basically a grown-up, and a rather frowny one at that. They were shy anyway… but that rejection made it quite clear to Liv that she had officially grown out of the Catalyst kid gang. Even the older, far taller Reggie seemed to be more readily accepted; most likely, Liv determined, because he was associated with his younger sisters, Erin and Immy. Erin had quickly latched onto the three newcomers, and so the Hall children had easily formed a merged group with Jake and Sean’s little clan of four. Liv was on the outside. Too brooding and serious and bad-tempered to belong.

“Livi,” Michael jabbered, “we’re gonna make Christmas cookies! In Christmas shapes! Erin is gonna do the making, and we can do decorating. Do you know we have candy canes to go on cookies? And red and green M&Ms!”

“That’s really cool, Michael,” Liv replied, painfully aware of how quiet Lucas and Benny had become the moment they rounded the doorway and saw her there.

How could she be so lonely when all she wanted was to be left alone?

Reggie took charge of supervising the kids in the kitchen, while Sean hovered in the background. Immy, Liv guessed, was joining in the rather childish activity because she couldn’t bear for her twin to be eating sweets without her. With Liv retreating toward the door, the excitement returned to Michael’s brothers’ faces. This sad new Liv wasn’t welcome, however much her old friends might try to reach out to her. So, she left.

“I’m going for a walk,” she announced sharply as she strode through the front foyer.

Maybe if it was just her… just her and La Huerta… it would all come back. Old Liv. The dauntless, vigorous adventurer. The effervescent spirit, the giver of cuddles, gymnast, eater of cake. However much Michael might miss that person, it was a drop in the ocean compared to the vast hollow feeling in Liv’s heart where her old self used to be.

Her eyebrows furrowed, Estela looked up from the fireplace, where she’d been lighting some kindling.

“I take it you’ve got your phone on you?”

Liv scowled. She knew the drill by now. And her mom knew that she knew the drill. “No, I’m going stumbling deep into yeti territory without means of contact. I’m not going far anyway.”

She never went far these days. Not since the fall.

Estela uttered a soft sigh. “I know, mija. Stupid question. Just don’t be too late, okay? Our Christmas starts at sundown.”

‘Their Christmas’. Always on Christmas Eve, every Christmas Eve. Just Liv and her moms, with her tio abuelo flitting in. It was quiet, and warm, and a reaffirmation of their bond as a family; a tradition passed on by Estela’s own mother from her childhood in Colombia. Liv didn’t want to bake Christmas cookies, she didn’t want to plaster on a fake smile for the kids and get excited over the work of an imaginary gift-giver, and she sure as fuck didn’t want to pull a shitting Christmas cracker… but to her, their Christmas Eve tradition was Christmas. And it meant the world to her mamas. All she could do was pray that piece of happiness wouldn’t be lost to her now like so many others.

Her hard expression faltered and softened. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

And she walked out into the snow. Barely had she gotten a few steps beyond the door when she found herself smack-bang in the path of Diego and Varyyn as they arrived at the Elysian.

“Argh! Sorry, Livi,” Diego gushed as he narrowly avoided crashing into her.

Liv grunted a ‘no worries’, ready to carry on her way. But then she hesitated. What she needed wasn’t to be alone. More than anything, Liv had wanted to talk to her Tio Diego. Maybe this was her chance?

“Tio,” she muttered under her breath, “come walk with me?”

Thankfully for Liv, Diego was fairly switched on to when someone needed a friend. And he was sensitive enough to know to offer that support without a big fuss.

He shrugged-- perhaps too nonchalant, but Liv appreciated it. “Sure.”

Varyyn caught on quickly. “I will let you go. It will be nice for you to catch up.” A little smile came to his face. “I did tell you, my beloved, to wear many warm clothes.”

“Ha, just as well. Save me a spot by the fire; I think I’m gonna need it.”

La Huerta was as it had always been; wild and beautiful. Breathing in its air, Liv felt something. Just a flicker. So much of her old self refused to come rushing back, even as she walked the land of her true home, but La Huerta stirred in her a swell of courage. She could do it. She could open up.

Liv felt a stab of guilt as they headed out towards the snowy ridge, her and her Tio Diego. Would her moms see this as a rejection? They’d been trying so hard to reach her… for months… but she just kept pushing them away. Then, she let Diego in just like that? On a split-second spur-of-the-moment whim? It wasn’t exactly fair.

The thing was, Diego always seemed to know what to say. After Liv’s moms, it was him that she came out to first when she knew for certain that she had romantic feelings towards girls. This time, he was first on the list. Liv had considered taking her confession to Uncle Raj; after all, he was asexual himself. But it was different. Liv might have had no desire to have sex, but she was also an utter romantic. Uncle Raj wouldn’t understand, just like her friends at school giggling about sex wouldn’t understand. Her Tio Diego might not really get it either, but he felt so safe. If she had to talk to someone… it had to be him.

He just walked with her, trudging through the snow. Not forcing conversation, just being there. Letting her know that when she was ready, he’d listen. He knew she wasn’t okay. He’d known for months. Liv was pretty sure he’d been her Mama Taylor’s sounding board as she fretted over getting her on the right anti-depressant and into the office of the right therapist. He’d reached out to her, across all those miles between them, but she hadn’t been ready. Now… now, she thought she was.

“Tio?” Then Liv stopped herself. Her heart was pounding-- could he hear it, even over the wind? Did she look as scared as she felt? She knew in her heart that he would never reject her, not for anything… so why was she so scared? Was it herself she was afraid to be honest to?

He looked at her, his expression kind. He’d be patient.

“Tio, um….” She took a deep breath. Just keep it hypothetical. “I guess I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot.” She paused. Another deep, trembling breath. Hopefully it just looked like she was shivering with the cold. “Would it be like… a terrible thing if you wanted to kiss someone, to be romantic with them; even… even if you don’t want to have sex? Would that be like… leading someone on? Sex is why everyone does all that shit in the first place, right? That’s the goal.”

There was an immediate dawning in Diego’s eyes, and Liv flushed fiercely. Congrats, me, you just came out as ace.

“I definitely wouldn’t say that,” Diego said, after a moment to gather his thoughts. “I think that probably there’s a lot more people who feel like that than you realise. For a lot of people, sex is great, but it’s not the only thing. If you’re honest, no one’s being led on. And that goes for a lot of things. When you’re intimate with someone, like emotionally, or anything else, it helps to share with the other person what your needs are.”

“Okay… okay….” Obviously, he knows we’re talking about me. Even still, Liv didn’t want to say it. Not quite yet. “So… um….” She was eternally grateful for his patience with her as she laboriously organised her thoughts. His expression was always kind, full of love for her, and not a trace of judgement.

“It’s just like…,” she said at last, “everyone goes on like it’s the best thing ever, and you’re like ‘eh, maybe I’ll try it someday, but I just don’t care enough to want it’. But it’s all anyone ever wants to talk about. It’s what they see when they look at you. And you just… you just want to love someone, without having to worry about any of that.”

“And that,” Diego ventured gently, “that’s how you feel?”

Liv took a moment, then nodded stiffly. “When… you were at school, and all the other boys just wanted to talk about having sex with girls… did you feel like that?”

“Hoo boy. That’s going back. But, yeah. That sounds really familiar. I tried faking it, going along with whatever it was the other guys would laugh about, but it never felt right.”

Liv breathed a big sigh of relief. It was different-- of course it was-- but her tio understood. That ‘otherness’. And he didn’t see her as an ‘other’, just as Liv.

“Why do teenagers have to be so fucking horny?”

Diego coughed and spluttered. “It’s all pretty new and exciting, I guess,” he managed at last. “Personally, I was too busy frantically trying to hide who I actually was for any of those inner thoughts to be publicly broadcast. And more than anything, I was caught up in this distant dream of holding the hand of a boy I liked, who liked me back… and just walking down the street, not even caring.”

“I’d like to hold someone’s hand like that.”

“Yeah?”

Liv nodded. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry…. “Yeah.”

For a little while, there was silence between them. Liv’s heart was still pounding a tattoo against her chest, now more exhilaration than nerves. She’d done it; said it out loud. It was thrilling, but she might just choke herself trying not to cry.

“I… don’t feel like me anymore,” she at last managed to force out.

“Since the fall?”

“...yeah. Since the fall.”

They settled down at the edge of the snowy outcrop overlooking the valley in which the Elysian was nestled. Liv looked out, seeing her cousins-- both those by blood and those by heart-- playing together beneath the perfect clear sky. She was so apart from it…. From her family.

“Christmas is shit,” she spat. “Because some baby is supposedly born thousands of years ago, we’re meant to plaster on smiles and be all singing and laughing and be fucking happy… but actually, you end up watching everyone else being fucking happy, and it feels like you’re broken.”

Diego blew out a heavy breath in sympathy. “Yeah. It really can be shit. Especially if you’re lonely… loneliness hits a whole lot harder when everyone’s out there shouting about togetherness and joy. After my parents kicked me out, I dreaded it. It’s hard not to be at least a little bit resentful.”

Down in the valley, Reggie was pulling Michael and Benny around on a little wooden sled while they shrieked with laughter. Liv didn’t imagine how she’d even begin to find her way back into that kind of carefree fun. Would her friends still be waiting for her when she did?

“You’re not alone, okay?” Diego said gently. “Whenever you feel ready to talk to your moms about all this, I’m pretty sure that if you want her to, your Mama Tay’s gonna be able to hook you up with people who are a lot like you. This sort of thing is basically her specialty.”

“Yeah… I know.” Liv stared straight ahead, shame creeping up on her. It was becoming a near-constant companion. “I think that’s… um, part of the reason why I didn’t want to talk to my moms. Mama Taylor’s whole job is to help people like me who aren’t okay; I feel like it’s really bumming her out that she can’t stop her own daughter from being depressed.”

Diego went to hug Liv, but hesitated. He knew that these days, she preferred not to be touched. But Liv closed the gap between the two of them herself, leaning against his chest, seeking comfort.

That respect meant the world.

“It’s okay,” she said, shakily. “I… I’d really like a hug right now.”

Liv exhaled as her tio put his arms gently around her. How long had it been since she’d let anyone, bar little Michael, hug her? Months, for sure. Did she want to be hugged? Had she just been punishing herself all that time? She didn’t know anymore… but she knew she wanted her tio to keep on holding her. Making her safe.

“You know, she’s your mom. She’s probably been beating herself up over every grazed knee and every time you’ve come home crying from school, since you were born. But she’d rather feel bad that you’re hurting and know about it, than feel like she can’t be there for you. Your moms love you so much; they wanna be in your corner.”

Liv realised how truly lucky she was to have love like that; unconditional. Her tio hadn't had that.

“I’ve been a kind of an asshole to them recently.” Again, her cheeks flushed red. She imagined she must be this obvious glowing beacon in the snowy landscape. “But I’m guessing you already know that.”

“Oh, yes. Mama Taylor’s got to vent somewhere, and that’s pretty much always been my job. Anyway, I can guess they’ve been pissy with you right back.”

Liv gave a sad little chuckle. “Well, yeah. I can tell they’re trying not to react, but sometimes I manage to hit the wrong buttons. They always apologise afterwards… makes me feel like even more of a jerk.”

“You’re not a jerk, Livita. You’re struggling. It’s hard to be all sunshine and roses when it feels false.”

She breathed deep. It was okay. She was still her… still Liv. A Liv who was lost in a dark fog, but still wanted, still loved.

Diego kissed her forehead. “They’re just worried about you. It can be crazy frustrating when someone you love is obviously not okay, but you can’t seem to help them.”

“It’s hard… sometimes,” Liv said softly. “They’re all in love, and it’s great and all-- happy family and all that jazz. But I’m so terrified no one’s ever gonna love me like that… because of the way I am. I don’t mean to take it out on my moms, like I’m this horrible, bitter person, but sometimes it just comes out. And I hate myself for it.” Aaaand I’m just even more certain no one could ever love me. Tears prickled her eyes, and before she could stop herself, she was weeping. Goddammit!

Diego rocked her in his arms, and she cried there.

“You’re a pretty amazing person, mija. Not in spite of all the things about you that you think are weird-- because of those things. You’re great because you’re unapologetically you. That’s scary; I know it’s scary. But someday, probably when you least expect it, someone’s gonna see all that-- all of you-- and just love you to bits. If you’re anything like me, it’ll happen when you’re at your very loneliest point… so you can’t give up hope. Something-- someone-- special might be waiting right there if you just brave one more day.”

She didn’t feel brave. She felt lonely. But there with her tio, she felt it just a little less.

“I love you, Tio,” Liv sniffed.

“I love you too. And I’m always here for you. In your corner.”

“I, er, I think I wanna tell my moms. Like, I feel better after talking to you. Maybe I’ll feel better again. I think I will.”

“Whenever you’re ready, okay?” He smirked and gave her a little jab with the elbow. “Though your Mama Taylor is going to be devastated that she doesn’t have enough time to knit an ace flag sweater for you for Christmas.”

Liv laughed. “Oh, god! She would!” Then she just couldn’t stop laughing. Where did that even come from? Maybe… maybe there was a trail-- faint, but present-- out of this dark fog after all.

#endless summer #estela x mc #liv montoya #estela montoya #tio diego is the best #diego soto

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