#low cost life
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#sleep token#sleep token worship#I swear I'll be in my bed in a sec....cramps....damn it why?! why?! why am I fighting nature? so yes am I able to have kids#birth life; I like this because it sounds huge; but at what cost? I'm trying to be accepting but; Katrin just got to bed#and no; nature does not care that I have no desire to have kids#tw for this one: when I was really EDed I did not have my period in one and half years and I did not miss it#when I feel low I have thoughts about that...that I don't want to mention because this is not the place to discuss this right now
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Considering the. Ahem. Ways this year has gone, I've not been thinking about it all that much, but. I did start this year with the motto of Year Of Unfucking My Life. With a few goals involved in that.
I got an official adhd diagnosis, as well as a diagnosis for PCOS. Other diagnoses in progress. Gotten adhd meds and birth control to regulate periods. I've gone back to school and I'm keeping up with it better than ever before. I've even been working on practicing driving, something I've been largely neglecting since I first got my driving permit, um... 11 years ago...
I just need to actually Get my license. And I need to get it before the end of the year. If I can accomplish that, then I'll say the Year Of Unfucking My Life was successful.
#speculation nation#i had some pretty major negative And positive influences for this goal of mine.#primary negative influence of course being my dad abruptly dying.#but that also led to the primary positive influence of the life insurance payout that's letting me just focus on school for my final year.#it's like a monkey's paw curl kind of moment. i got a genuinely astounding amount of money#more than enough to live off for a year+ and pay off the rest of my schooling.#with this i have finally exited the purgatory of part time school full time work to pay my way through school#a setup that led to endless stress (both physically and mentally) and suffering grades.#failing some classes and taking longer bc part time Anyways. locking me into years and years of this perpetual fucking Hell.#ive escaped it. school is so so so much more manageable when i dont have to work a job. im actually keeping up with my assignments.#for once theres no uncertainty about passing any of my classes. i Will pass them all. and i expect As in most if not all of them.#it's been fucking Amazing. everything i couldve wanted. and it came with the low low cost of losing my father when i was only 26.#... 'low' being sarcastic here of course. he was the 2nd worst person i couldve lost in my life. second only to my sister.#the 2nd worst grief i will Ever experience. bc he was my Good parent. hes the very reason i have a future at All.#and losing him fucked me up Severely. im still working on recovering. i kind of figure i always Will be.#thank god id already been taking spring semester off bc that would've been Horrible to go thru while in school.#i honestly probably would've just withdrawn from the semester. theres no Way id have kept up with it#given how damned BUSY those first few weeks after were. between funeral prep and inventorying and packing up his house.#so fucking much involved in settling an estate. and im the lucky one in that my sister's been handling all the legal shit.#so i simultaneously was dealt one of the most severe blows i ever Will be dealt#while also being given probably the biggest boost i'll ever get in my life.#if everything goes well with graduating and getting an IT job then i'll never want for money again.#considering there was a time early last year when i got as low as literally $7 in my bank account. this is a pretty big deal.#it's just... strange. the ways things go in life. this has been a very strange year for me.#just doing my best to use this boost to the best of my ability. even if it feels like im taking advantage of his death.#it's what he wouldve wanted me to do.
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Me when I need emotional support but can't message anyone saying "Hey I need emotional support" because everyone around me have a better life than me and can't imagine the struggles I go through :
#emotional tiredeness maybe. The fact that i'll never own anything in my life. That my pay is low. That my rent is half my paycheck.#that i need desperately a break from work but won't cause i need to be paid#That I have to plan everything 3 months in advance. That I choose between seeing family and going on holidays cause both would cost too muc#that I only have one parent left to support me. That I want to have security but can never have it#that i am the one who pays for food when i go see my old schoolmates while they earn twice my salary#i just need to lie down for a second i think
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Wow earplugs really help a lot with auditory stimulus im not panicking
#echoes#is this why sometimes we just sit in silence with head/earphones#life could be dream for the low low cost of a few cents for a pair of shitty earplugs
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i love how bones always animates Kunikida with pointy lil teeths- that's so cool and sexy of them - so have this,,, crooked pointy teeth Kunikida,,,, ough yea :sadthumbsup:
(not sure if i actually like this or am just Used To It after staring at it for hours until 5 am - the sketch did not look like him SOLELY bc I couldn't draw his hair right and the smile threw me off LOL - also also,, my requests,,, are open as always- even if u sent before and haven't gotten to it yet I prommy I read and appreciate and will get to them when I have more time )
#she can smile as a treat#idc if it looks ooc LET KUNIKIDA EXPERIENCE JOY LMAO#kite draws#kite watches bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd#kunikida#kunikida doppo#:dances:#not sure if it looks actually good or I've just Gotten Used to it -#everything looks good if u throw a gradient map on it tho LMAO#inspired by ME and my fucked up lil chompers- I had braces on and off for like a decade and they're still fucky wucky#but they're cool and pointy so who's the real winner?#also this picture might have cost me my cs data structures grade bc I decided to draw it instead of finishing my already late assignment#and studying for my final but low-key who cares#IF ANYONE knows how to code a hashmap from a dynamically allocated array lemme know and I will draw u endless kunikidas for life -#GPA is temporary- Kunikida is forever or whatever KJDHKDJH#curious who actually read tags bc I be writing my life story here#sorry for oversharing guys will happen again </3#but if u are reading this u are cool and hot and im kissing u on the forehead (platonically) mwah -#thank u#this is so cringe fail of me ill shut up now
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every time i read some scifi abt a magical renewable energy source, i can't help but wonder what is the actual cost of this technology, there must be some horrible trade off they're unaware of. then i realize this is exactly like ender in speaker for the dead thinking a terrible price must be exacted for making the park shift (enter or exit near light speed spaceflight). and then i hear jane's voice in my head say "sitting there in paranoid fantasy" lmao
#eg#i'm reading forever peace right now and i know the point is that warm fusion/nanoforges is brilliant low cost high tech#and yet western powers are not willing to share thus resulting in vast difference in quality of life between countries#and this is what the war is actually being fought over i'm pretty sure#fw
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Petition to Stop the Passage of Time.
#i'm. not gonna make it.#what's it? let's just say. hjhhggghufhhhh all of me. my entire life. everything.#idk i've been having some crazy highs and lows lately i don't even know why. i'm medicated. i should be BASELINE NORMAL#and yet.#every day that goes by i am reminded of how much i ignore and avoid and outright refuse to live my life.#it is so utterly hopeless. i feel like i've failed in every facet of life and i'm scared to get it together.#i've just failed. at being a human. and anyone who interacts w me in person will realize this very quickly.#i can ALMOST. get a semblance. a taste. of human connection online. through art. the life we breathe into it.#but man. it's too late. i'm so far gone.#it's like MAN YEAH nothing will hurt me nothing will happen to me nothing unpredictable will happen. awesome 👍#but at. what cost. the repercussions.#literally literally i just can't let anyone in anymore. i am so fucking guarded. i've completely retreated into myself.#i barely live here. body and mind. but everything is just. so. fucking. difficult. and scary.#do it scared well what if i don't wanna. what if it's damn near impossible to get me to do anything i don't wanna do.#idk maybe it's the sun setting sooner or the years of isolation. getting to me.#i really do feel like i'm on the verge of cracking wide open.
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The rescent riots in the UK are despicable (but sadly not surprising).
Yes, what happened to those little girls is a tradgey, but the person who was responsible wasn't an asylum seeker, and even if he was, that would NOT excuse the racism displayed these past few weeks.
The people taking part clearly don't care about the safety of children as they're, scaring other people's & indoctrinationating their own into perpetuating racist acts.
Seven years is a lot, though! Then don't fucking join a hate group.
But the non white people are being violent too! Yeah, well, that tends to happen when you attack people. I'm not going to hate on people for standing up for themselves.
They're taking our jobs! Why do you believe that those jobs are YOURS? Are you actually qualified & able to make a good impression on bosses, or do you think just being white should be enough.
They don't work! Well Asylum seekers litrually aren't allowed to until their case gose through but plenty of other POC have jobs (I know you've seen them though it must be hard to make them out through that fog of hatred) & I've met plenty of white people who don't want to (no hate to those who can't because of disability or mental health issues) or loose jobs because they're just overall terrible employees (some of the shit I've seen middle aged white people do at their jobs is crazy).
They're all criminals! Well, that's just not true now is it plus it's been proven multiple times that the biggest factor in crime is poverty, NOT race & again I've encountered plenty of white people who've broken the law yet most didn't seem to get more than a slap on the wrist (if that). Strange, that isn't it?
Well, "those kinds" of men hate women! Ahh, yes, because there's never been white rapists, woman killers, stalkers or harrasers. Its been proven that hating women is a problem in all races & and sadly, the biggest threat to us is usually our own partners or family, not some random aylsum seeker (who if they do hurt women tend to go after the ones from their own community).
They're not from here! Ok, so I don't know if anyone told you, but you can actually be born here without being white and you can't ban people from a country just because of the colour of their skin. Also, neither was half my family, yet we never get told to go back to our own country. Hmm, I wonder if our white skin could possibly have anything to do with that.
They can't speak English! A lot of them are multilingual, actually (& you make fun of their accents) & for the ones who can't well you seem to hate them getting anything (such as English lessons) for free. Also, how many Brits go abroad despite refusing to learn absolutely anything about other countries (there's a reason we're known as disrespectful, violent, sex obsessed, drunks by most of the world).
Also sooner or later we are going to have to accept that a lot of the issues that make immigrants flee their home countries are caused (or at least made worse) by ours & other Western governments.
This country definitely has problems, but we should be taking them up with politicians & their rich mates. Who are the ones actually hording wealth made from the exploitation of the poor, not random people of colour who are just trying to live their lives.
#uk#uk race riots#uk racism#uk riots#riots#racisim#I wanted to post about this straight away but my job has been taking a lot out of me#my phyical & mental health has not been great#rescently (due to unrelated personal stuff) & I wanted to make sure I worded my thoughts as fully & appropriately as possible.#so even though it's later than it should have been (which I apologize for) I thought I should still comment on the situation#Especially as a white person who was born outside the uk but has lived here bassically my whole life#Lastly I wanted to let my followers know where I stand#i know i reblogged something about whats been happening a while back but it felt wrong not to give my actual thoughts on the matter#my heart gose out to any poc struggling right now#i wish i could say this isn't my country but there's always been a racist underbelly to the UK#& unfortunately it seems to be bubbling up more & more these past few years#i think social media is partly to blame (thanks to vice in misinformation & conspiracy theories)#obviously covid plays a part as well (people have lost so much & need somewhere to put their anger)#but the biggest cause (other than personal choise of course as I don't ever wanna erase the accountability of biggits) is our government#cost of living crisis mixed with low wages & little effective financial help#of course jobs are gonna be scarce#add on top of that our failing infurtructer#& no wonder the uk is a mess#but again people need something more tangebible to blame#& the torries (+ all right wing media) have wasted no time in turning migrants into the ultimate scapegoats#& unfortunately people keep falling for it#even my dad has started in on the “woke mob” stuff & its like i still love you & i know you’ve had a hard life but#god is it upsetting to hear#like he was never very PC but he was pretty radical#now he's becoming more & more like his dad (who was apparently a fascist) & i know younger him would hate that
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“Dead Reckoning,” Moon Knight: City of the Dead (Vol. 1/2023), #3.
Writer: David Pepose; Penciler: Sean Damien Hill; Inker: Jay Leisten; Colorist: Rachelle Rosenberg; Letterer: Cory Petit
#Marvel#Marvel comics#Marvel 616#Moon Knight: City of the Dead#Moon Knight comics#latest release#Moon Knight#Marc Spector#Scarlet Scarab#Layla el-Faouly#why not sacrifice one’s life when death has been cheated so cheaply so many times in the past?#(and I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with Marc’s consistently low-valuation of himself set against his#obvious adoration for Layla making this simply a very easy cost-benefit analysis to make#Nor would it have anything to do with the number of people he’s lost with nothing he could do)#oh Marc
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well the last group sure did happen
#terrible event#dont get me wrong#im soo happy for kaori#threepeat my goat#also!!!!#slayeon world medalist#but at what cost#haein young i will avenge you#young you were wonderful and next season is yours i promise#haein you continue to be the light of my life no matter what this season wasnt great but i know you will come back stronger next season#i have so many mixed emotions in me rn#mostly devastation tbh#like there were high highs#but the lows oh god the lows#i never want to see a skater cry#but especially not that many#well going to bed now trying to mentally prepare myself for the men tomorrow#knowing that that will probably be worse#worlds 2024#figure skating#fs season 2023/24#<- rn now i really cant wait to never have to use that tag again#si talks about figure skating
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damn i really haven't seen a doctor in 9 years. america is crazy.
#i thought it was like 6 years. idk. maybe i should put this off for 1 more year because i know they are going to make my life hell but at#at least a full decade would be funny#sorry when i was on my parents health insurance my mom would freak out when things cost money. because we were broke#and my dad who is an obsessive controlling hypochondriac would burn so much money going to the doctors for dumb shit. and i was just like.#it's fine i wont go the doctor because my dad who dosent work is already bleeding us dry. anyway i didnt really have acar back then anyways#and lived in the middle of nowhere so no buses or anything and then once i got onto cheap low income health insurance at age 23 because my#mom couldnt afford to pay for me on her health insurance anymore well. then covid hit and we werent supposed to go to the doctors anymore.
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was talking to my butch last night about feelings and self perception and it’s weird that ppl see me as kind. not nice, but kind
#I think im a dick and a bad person and think ppl should leave me alone#but I can’t help but make friends or talk to ppl#in public for some reason ppl tend to like. go to me and feel safe asking me for help and stuff#or just start a random conversation with me#im not upset by it#I just wonder why#im pretty low empathy but I have very high emotional awareness#of both my emotions and other ppl so sometimes I can just#say what needs to be said#I always thought it was a gross and bad aspect#of my personality but Chevy thinks that that’s being truly kind#idk if u can make someone else’s day better for no cost and no real reason except you can#why not? It’s not being nice it’s just being a person#just because I don’t feel super duper connected to be ppl doesn’t mean I don’t like seeing ppls faces light up when I notice something#or do something nice m#like. idk it’s weird I thought I was like manipulative and shit#but I think that’s just? Being an okay person????#idk I always think im evil and fucked up but ppl keep telling me im kind and tjoughtful and shit#My self perception doesn’t match up to real life#or maybe I just know myself better than everyone and I AM manipulating everyone so good that I manipulated myself too
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tw eating disorder talk, pt.2 to the last post in the tags (once again, no mention of numbers that could be triggering, just a heartfelt rant bc I've been so afraid of talking about these things on here, but i really just need to get everything out bc . I feel crazy)
#so basically it was bad. this past summer the relapse was so sugarcoated in the sense that#i was telling myself it was fine. it didn't look the same as it did at my very worst#it didn't even feel the same#but it wasn't fulfilling either. it was stressful. it was exhausting. i was using my anorexia as a way to distract from having depression#i needed to feel a sense of achievement and i got it! but at the cost of my physical health#and my mental health was all over the place like less depressed sure. but way more anxious#it was weird. because even now i have to tell myself it wasn't okay. it wasn't fine. it's not worth it it's not WORTH IT#part of me keeps romanticizing it bc i was so in control and i was still working a little and still functioning in a socially acceptable way#but i know how much anxiety it gave me on a daily basis. only i know how my body ached and how low i felt from my immunity going to shit#only I know what it's like to have horrible circulation and constant weakness#no one else will live my life for me#I'm sure there are people who can live the way i was. im sure there are people who thrive like that#but they only thrive for a short time before it all comes crashing fown#and it's not worth the comparison bc when im suffering theyre not going to help me out!!!!!#when im struggling with the weight of it all. the people that promote tiny little portions and academic excellence with no room for#self compassion#they're not going to nurse me back to health#i won't feel a sustained sense of satisfaction from restricting and studying until i pass out from exhaustion. I've done that before#perfectionism is a parasite and this is a disease. it's a fucking mental illness and it's not even about vanity for me like thats just a#fraction of it#anyway#z.post
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lil personal update in the tags
#tw mental health#so i finally made it relocating to europe like ive wanted to do for several years now#made it through my first month#everything is 200% harder than id thought it would be#i still haven't found work and my savings are dwindling#i can't even afford to go out and make friends cuz of travel and food/drink costs. certainly can't afford to date either#my mental health is at an all time low#i can barely write or even watch tv#but im here#some days i don't feel like i made the worse decision of my life
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Heard a Full-Grown Adult who was sitting behind me on the train tonight genuinely say “I don’t know why people are worrying about the cost of living” and honestly even if he was joking, I’m amazed his girlfriend didn’t dump him on the spot
#Poor lassie tried to explain why it's not a good thing; personally I was tempted to chuck him off the train#And I say this by the way as someone who is *not* worrying about it personally as I know I'm ok for money#but I am worrying for everyone else I know and within thirty seconds I could come up with dozens of scenarios#where the cost of living crisis would destroy even a relatively well-off family's life#Like ok say my mum had got ill when I was two instead of when I was 25#Even aside from the fact that you know the family was already ruined by the fact that she was dying#There would have been no savings to fall back on and my dad couldn't have supplemented his income#because he would have been taking care of a toddler and being a full-time carer to my mum and two dogs#And he wouldn't have had adult children to help and maybe the company would have given full pay for a while#but either way eventually my mum would have been on statutory sick pay with energy bills doubled#a mortgage repayment schedule which has become even more expensive as it was renegotiated during Liz Truss' mismanagement#Petrol bills through the roof and no option to take public transport because unreliable and rail strikes#I think he'd be well past worried at that point if not actually destitute#And my mum was a chartered accountant#Imagine the cost if she had been on minimum wage or if she had been in a very valuable but low-paid profession like nursing#And you don't even need illness to crop up for most lower-income professions anyway because everything is beyond your means#Or how about the fact that old age pensions are below living wage#I hate to use a personal example but honestly did this guy just not have any life experience whatsoever#had he never met someone who made all the right decisions but fate screwed them or were just scraping by#Was he just saying that to get a rise out of his girlfriend (I doubt this as he was then very dismissive about single mothers)#Or was he just the most callous person in existence#Calmly and unapologetically existing on a train in Scotland#Move over Scrooge; take a seat Maggie Thatcher; there's a new kid in town#I would like to scream
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the "oh god I'm poor, help" editing+tutoring masterpost
says it all in the title. my life is a flaming trash heap right now which will be less of a flaming trash heap if I actually had enough money to stop my partner from becoming homeless without dipping into my savings every month.
If you want to support me directly: ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/savrenim patreon: https://www.patreon.com/savrenim <- currently am posting early access to all of my writing here, but eventually I will post more exclusive director's commentary style content again
Editing: I can proofread for grammar and provide commentary for both academic essays, fanfiction, and original writing. You can find samples of my writing in the 'my writing' tab, and I do all of my own editing and proofreading. I have been editing as a tutor professionally for over a decade, with repeat customers from my high school days who have used me all throughout college. I reserve the right to turn down any request, but am confident in effectively any subject up through college level, including mathematical proofs. Language English only. Pricing: $10: first up to 500 words $0.01 per additional word For jobs under 10k words, standard turnaround time is 1 week. Per additional 10k words, an additional week is added. For under 10k words, rush prices are: -> Additional $1 per 1k words for 5 day turnaround -> Additional $3 per 1k words for 3 day turnaround -> Additional $5 per 1k words for 24 hour turnaround Rush jobs over 10k words for negotiated prices.
Tutoring: I have tutored for over 15 years now; including three years professionally in college, leading math study rooms, TAing in graduate school for four years, and even fully teaching college courses. Subjects: any high school math; precalc, calc i,ii,iii,iv, differential equations, linear algebra, abstract algebra, real analysis, dynamical systems, number theory, proofs/mathematical reasoning. other general math/physics topics may be possible albeit at higher rates as that requires more prep work on my end. What It Looks Like: send me the homework assignment, test study guide, or topic (including textbook and chapter if relevant) at least 24 hours in advance. tutoring sessions will be held on discord, where I will screenshare a digital blackboard. at the end of the session, after full payment is made, I will send you the pdf of everything covered in the session. Pricing: $1/ min ; half hour minimum for sessions, then done in additional 15 minute increments. pay half in advance, half on completion of the session. payment accepted through ko-fi or venmo only.
#my life#I know the tutoring costs are a bit high but like. wrt actual market rates of 'person with a Masters degree who has taught college courses'#they are in fact very low#you might notice that I set this up so that there will be zero doxxing involved on either end#the amount of pressure it would take off of me to not be dipping into my savings as I desperately search for a job is HUGE#this will hopefully disappear once I have a job and can actually support everyone relying on me but. until then.
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