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justlookingvm · 3 years ago

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Tessa Virtue’s leap from Figure Skating Olympic Champion to Executive MBA | Kneading Dough Canada

https://youtu.be/JAAkEDRFJ1A

Host: Vinay Virmani

T: If you’re going to build something, you need options in your life. I’ll say this especially as females, it’s important to be independent. To feel like you can be self-reliant and to take care of yourself.

[Intro presented by Tangerine]

V: Tessa, welcome to Kneading Dough Canada.

T: Thank you so much for having me.

V: It’s a pleasure. Kneading Dough Canada is a financial empowerment platform as you know, where we talk money, we talk mindset, we talk about financial lessons that you’ve learned along the way to hopefully inspire the next generation.

T: Well I’m so grateful to be on, I really appreciate it. I think it’s always refreshing to hopefully lend that female lens but also maybe that perspective from the amateur sport world too.

V: Yeah, you know Tessa you’ve accomplished so much, both in your personal and in your professional life. As an athlete you have achieved so many incredible honours, you’ve represented us, this country of Canada at the highest of international levels, but what I’m really excited about is you’re about to add another accomplishment in the form of three very special letters, MBA behind your name. Talk to me about that decision.

T: It’s been you know lingering in my mind for a long time. Education was always a priority in my household growing up in my family, and I thought about law school for quite some time and then I retired at 28 or 29 and thought maybe that’s too long (giggle) and realized also I wanted to flex a bit of a creative muscle. So this MBA program has been a dream of mine for quite some time. I want to be a student again in every sense of the word and I’m eager to learn the ins and outs of the business realm and that corporate sphere that I’ve had a unique perspective of, you know for 10 15 years, but if I’m going to take on a new role whatever that may be then I really want to feel like I’ve adopted that rookie mindset once again, and earned my stripes, I’ve gotten the credibility to to deserve a place there.

V: I want to take it to the world of figure skating though, because the world of figure skating is so glamorous as a sport. You know

T: I wasn’t sure where that sentence was going to land. It could have gone so many directions.

V: I I’m so like fascinated by the world of figure skating because the glamour, the imagination, the costumes, the drama, the whole production value. It looks so beautiful and elegant, but behind it there’s also rigorous routine, training and it’s not cheap.

T: Uh huh

V: So growing up, dd you have those conversations with your family and did you understand the investment that it was taking to sort of put you through the highest levels of figure skating.

T: The 2 things that my parents were always wiling to invest in or prioritize were education and sport. And it was important to them that we were exposed to as much as we could be. I’m the youngest of four. You know I’m of two minds because on one hand I do believe they tried to shield me from the burden of that sacrifice, that they made for all kids and for you know all of these adventures. But I was also keenly aware of it. I knew the the toll and I knew the cost and um you know I felt that responsibility…

V: Was there anything that you remember early on where there was an incident or a moment where you were like, I recognize like you talked about the toll.

T: My parents were so conscious to ensure that I wasn’t carrying that weight, and yet I moved away from home when I was 13 and I was kind of budgeting at that age for groceries and 7-eleven runs (laughs), whatever it is that a 13 year old needs. Taking taxis everywhere and I made a decision when I was 15 um to be able to do it on my own. My mom was always quick to say you know you have to look after yourself and you always have to make your own way and she was all about sort of creating that sense of security and freedom, so that I had options.

To be honest I had a tumultuous relationship with my father when I was a teen and I think it was just a decision, at that point. I didn’t feel right.

V: Yeah

T: I didn’t feel right accepting that kind of support anymore um and maybe it was a bit of pride you know, not wanting to

V: You don’t want to be dependent on anybody.

T: Totally. Yeah, and that’s not to say that I’m not aware of the privilege that I had growing up to have those opportunities. It was just a real marker of OK, if this is the path I’m choosing, um and I really need to make sure that I can I can do it on my own or in a way that really isn’t such a burden.

V: You know talking to you today has reinforced independence. You know being independent, not being dependent and and just being self-sufficient. And how gratifying that is, you know I think a lot of people, especially as you said, I hope a lot of young women watch this show and and really listen to your advice. And the fact that you took that decision at such an early age.

T: You know it’s interesting I found old journals not too long ago, and there was a page in one and I don’t know, judging by my handwriting I might have been 12? 11 or 12? And I had written my goals and that were, you know the to win the Olympics, be on Oprah, which I’ll settle for uninterrupted and Kneading Dough, uh buy a cottage, like buy a family cottage

V: Right

T: And at 12 that was on my mind and the feeling of walking into this cottage that my mom and I were able to dream of and then buy together, is so visceral and it’s it’s so much about, like I think back to being young and maybe not having, especially for her like that sense of security and and just really feeling like that can be a safe place now. Um so again it’s more of the representation of that.

V: I’ve heard you say something that has really resonated with me always because it’s something that I believe in. That the highs are so much better when you’ve experienced the lows. And obviously Scott Moir and yourself accomplished so many great things together. Something that I always try to tell the younger generation is, sometimes you have to just sit back celebrate your failures.

T: Well we learned to embrace it by making it part of our process, in that, not only did we anticipate failure and expect it and embrace it, well, we practiced it. So we learned to fall on demand, get back up, refocus, and

V: OK

T: be back into our program still trying to amalgamate as many points as possible.

V: You know I remember once um I must have been in grade school and I and I failed a few subjects. I was never a good student.

T: OK

V: And you know we didn’t have a lot of money at the time and I remember my my dad, I was really afraid to tell him that you know I’ve failed these courses and blah blah blah, but he said to the family, he said, alright everybody get ready we’re going for dinner. And we went to this restaurant that was only saved for like birthdays or anniversaries. And so we get there and he’s ordering all these great things on the menu and I’m like “dad, I don’t think you heard me like I failed, like I failed and here you are taking it t the restaurant.” And I remember he looked at me and he said “You know I want you to celebrate this failure. I want you to take it in because if you’re winning all the time, you’re not going to learn anything.”

T: Wow, and obviously that stayed with you

V: Oh yeah, you’re always going to learn so much more from the losses.

This next set of questions is called the two cents round, so you can’t overthink these things.

Tessa, we all know about your discipline but what do you splurge on?

T: Clothes

V: Clothes, OK, all right. What part of your budget are you working on lowering?

T: Clothes (big laugh). Actually not really because I will say, it’s more what it represents like part of that is like my I love it and it’s become also intertwined with my career and my brand if you will. Um

V: Its an investment in yourself.

T: I think so, that’s how I twist it

V: So, what is us the best financial decision you’ve made so far?

T: Hire the right people

V: Building the right team around you.

T: Yeah absolutely.

V: Describe your financial persona in just one word.

T: I want to say careful?

V: Careful.

T: Careful in that I’m strategic

V: I like that, OK

T: But I’m willing to have some fun.

V: OK, all right. Tessa if you could run any business, what would it be?

T: My own.

V: Your own. OK. All right I’m not going to push you more. [Tessa laughs]. They say patience is a virtue, how long did your first paycheck last?

T: I mean I spent my whole career basically operating at a deficit, so everything went back into training. I worked towards certain things and the you know I was really fortunate to get some funding and bursary grants, and then eventually sponsors and um was able to build this little nest egg, but mostly it went right back into training.

V: Tessa, this year we’ve been having such important and meaningful conversations about women in sport. And you know of course there’s such a long way to go for those conversations really to achieve equality, but as somebody who’s such a big advocate for women’s empowerment in sport, how do you feel that you want to lend your voice to those conversations?

T: I think, currently the biggest impact I feel I can have is really connecting with those young female athletes at that precipice of maybe dropping out um for all the heart breaking reasons that we’re learning about through research. Whether that is you know body image, or lack of self-confidence, lack of self-worth, it’s just not good enough. Like the access to resources, there are opportunities, um I think those conversations are really important and that’s where I’ve been feeling most fulfilled, when I’m able to connect with those athletes and you know I’ve been able to benefit from all of the lessons and the opportunities that sport has lended it uh to my life. And I just so want that for other female athletes. And you know we’re seeing that there are more mentors, more representation, more access to viewing these formidable female athletes, and I hope that resonates.

V: Tessa, we’ve uh had the opportunity to work on a few branded campaigns together. There’s this Tessa grace, and there’s this element of everything being held to a certain standard. In everything that you do, especially things that are public facing. Talk to me a bit about that.

T: I hate the word brand but I’m going to say it, my brand has been

V: I mean you definitely have a very strong brand

T: Well it’s been built on the very foundation of me and my personality and if those values aren’t upheld in every sense of you know the word, then I’m I’m not useful to anyone. Then I’m then no brand would want to hire me, um because it if it gets diluted, then I then I just think um it’s losing the very essence of what resonates with people. And I’m really careful about that like I only partner and pair with brands that I would authentically stand behind and feel really good about promoting.

V: I love that

T: And I’m conscious of where I lend my voice and my likeness, a very clear mission statement, and you know I love to be hands on but that’s where like the creative fulfilment comes in

V: Right

T: And honestly that’s where the most successful engagement also comes. If I’m involved and it’s a collaborative process, um it’s much more successful for the brand too.

V: You know, over this past year, there’s been such a strong connection to mental health and financial wellness. Many Canadians have a very high debt to income ratio, which can be very stressful. For you, how do you protect not only your mental health, but when it comes to financial wellness. How do you really protect your sanity?

T: As an amateur athlete I grappled with that um day after day. I think it’s important to find purpose in saving and planning. So, you know my mom started those conversations with me when I was young but that was all to sort of plant the seed of like you need to plan for this. And if you’re going to build something you need options in your life. For me you know it’s helped having a corporation for example, because a lot of my money is tied up there and it it’s great um but, it’s also made me very careful and strategic in how I spend it.

V: What is your one big piece of financial advice to all young women out there?

T: Surround yourself with the right people and set yourself up for independence.

V: I love that. Financial freedom.

T: Financial freedom.

#Tessa Interview: Kneading Dough

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papergirllife · 4 years ago

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Chapter 2

Synopsis:

You don’t know what it’s like to be free, to make your own choices, and live your own life. For your whole life, your parents have been treating you like a puppet on strings, controlling your life to every single detail, as well as ignoring the fact that you have feelings. Other times, when you disobey their wishes, or speak up about your own opinions, they bash you down with words, in other words, psychological abuse, has led you down the long winded road of depression and anxiety. What happens when you meet a man who’s willing to be your guide out of this terrible downpour? Would you give a shot at happily ever after?

Warnings:

big age gap (kinda?)

issues on anxiety

issues on depression (mild)

issues on parental abuse

smut (maybe)

Tag List: @etherealtyjaem , @caratzennie , @johnnysuhnflower , @euphoricchannie , @yeollieseo , @jjhmk , @sherzess

(lmk if you wanna be on the list) (and sorry for reposting, it just won’t show on the tags)

The new house you’ve just moved in was small, you were perfectly fine with the size, you always stayed in your room anyways, the sizes elsewhere doesn’t really matter. It wouldn’t have been an issue if they weren’t making a fuss outside. They were yet again arguing about the company’s debts and complaining about the recent stock market turn outs. Your parents sold the old house in order to pay off some of the company loans, moving into a decent condominium in the older township.

Why are they so obnoxiously loud? Why can’t they talk like normal civilised people? They had an awful habit of shouting from one room to another, even if it’s about 3 feet apart, the study to the kitchen like it was just steps away.

You placed your pillow on top of your ear as the other was covered with the other one you’re sleeping on, you woke up from nightmares just this morning and needed a nap, but from the looks of things, you weren’t getting one anytime soon.

You reluctantly got up from your bed and told them to lower down their voices, but they just ignored you, as they always did. After the third time of fruitless attempt, you’ve given up hope on resting, but your body wasn’t happy with what was happening, the voices in your head hammering in your head, blaming you for what happened as you felt your heartbeat quicken, your breathing staggered. You could feel your whole body tense up as tears started to cloud your vision.

You inhaled deep breaths as you tried to push the anxiety attack away, humming a song, fiddling with a pen, but nothing you read on the internet helped. You hugged your knees towards your chest as you sat on the corner of your room, trying to muffle your choked sobs. A sentence you kept repeating in your head like a mantra,

‘make it stop.’

It’s currently 10 a.m. and your parents are rushing you to hurry up with your morning routine as they have an important meeting with some potential investor, they’re taking you along because they need an errand girl to buy them coffee and in case of any other task that is deemed much too troublesome for them like filing away documents or printing out contracts.

You woke up at the crack of dawn to get ready, so to say that you were tired after yesterday’s ordeal was an understatement. As your father told you to double check the files needed in the bag, you found out you left one up stairs, your palms sweaty as you informed them of your mishap.

“How can you be so dumb?! This is why you’re such a failure of a person! I told you to prepare everything last night! Were you day dreaming again?!” your father bellowed from the driver’s seat, his angry eyes filled with rage whenever his gaze darted to your sight through the rearview mirror, putting your lives at risk on a busy road.

You bite back retorts, head hung low through out the quick detour back, exiting the car alone to go back up and retrieve the file you left behind.

Not a day goes by where they don’t criticise you for something you did, whether an accident or not. You can feel your anxiety levels going up again as your heartbeat picks up speed, a wave of sadness coming over you. You quickly recalled a familiar song to block out their hurtful words ringing in your head.

“Useless piece of shit,” your father mumbled as he drove, throwing a clothe he uses to clean his car on your face, the rough material stinging you.

As you dug through your pockets for loose change in your jacket, your fingers found a card instead, it was Mr Suh’s card.

I can take you away from all this chaos raging among your family, if you can call it a family that is. I’ll be seeing you soon, Y/N.

‘What does he mean?’ you wondered.

“Miss, you’re holding up the queue. Do you have 50 cents or not?” the cashier at your local starbucks snaps at you, yanking you away from your own thoughts.

“Sorry, I don’t,” you apologised.

You looked around you to see the long line behind you and the usual full house condition of the cafe, sighing at what you call a norm of your life now, being an errand girl for your parents, and not even a little bit of acknowledgement of your existence nor feelings.

‘Can Mr Suh really make all this stop?’ you asked yourself.

Now you think you’re ridiculous for thinking a man of such wealth and power would be interested in a girl with such a puny presence among a crowd and not even a valued family member in your family’s eyes. He’s going to get bored of a girl like you someday, how long would he stay interested? A week? A month? A year? You doubt you’ll even last a night.

You begrudgingly took the bagged coffee from the counter and quickly walked back to your parent’s office block, head hung low as you thought about your parents’ attitude if this investor ends up leaving them empty handed, shivering at the thought of being their ‘mental stress ball’.

“I’m sorry, but the debts your company is in isn’t something we’d want to have on our company’s reputation if we invested. Thank you for having us,” the man in the middle, presumably the boss said, a bored look on his face.

Just like that the investors stood up and walked out the glass door of the office. Once they were out, your parents let out a frustrated groan. You quickly hurried to close up the office as they always told you to after a meeting on weekends without workers in the office.

A month later

The company is now under leased after being certified bankruptcy. Your parents’ savings are running low, so they told you to get a part time job at a local western grocer that rich people of Seoul go to for groceries that could most probably buy you a meal at your nearby convenience store, at the winery section, where you are now giving out samples to the customers.

It wasn’t an easy job, the customers here have high standards, whatever you’re giving out as samples are always deemed lacked elegance compared to the ones that they usually have, yet they always come back for more samples the next time they come to pick up groceries, and if they’re in a good mood, they might actually buy something. People who act rich but actually aren’t as wealthy as what they boast always ticks you off, they remind you of your own family.

On Friday nights, when the alcohol section always closes earlier are the times when you’ll head to the bookstore in the same mall you were working at to read, you knew that’s a really rude thing to do, but you can’t afford buying books anymore. So you read a few chapters every night, and slightly more on Friday nights, you never told your parents about the different working hours on this particular day of the week, you don’t want to go back earlier just to see their scowling faces as they hunch over different sorts of bills and statements.

You finally found a way to cope with your anxiety levels and depression by working out early in the morning, you read from the newspapers at the worker’s lounge in the grocer that it helps, and so you gave it a try, little did you know that you would enjoy it and the feeling of staying fit boosted your confidence. But on days when you felt tired and didn’t achieve the results you were aiming at, your mind reminds you of the times when your parents called you ugly, it was started when they found out you were dating, on those days, a shut of your eyes and you’ll remember the scene of them hitting you unfolding once again, if you focused hard enough you could still feel the sting on your face.

You pushed those thoughts away as you quickly packed up for the night, as you were preparing to leave, a man came in your section, requesting to buy a bottle of wine. You were going to say that the winery section is closed, but as you turned around, the words got stuck in your throat.

It was Mr Suh, dressed in his usual working attire. Even after sitting in the office for a whole day, he still looks breathtaking, his clothes held no crease.

“Y/N,” Mr Suh said your name, the corners of his lips tugging up in a smile.

He remembers you? After so long?

“Mr Suh. H-how can I help you?” you asked, eyes darting around hoping that there aren’t any more customers, worried that they’ll realise that you were letting Mr Suh in despite the closing time.

You weren’t as anxious as talking to strangers before, but Mr Suh was no stranger to you, not really anyways, and he always had an aura that made you shy away from his presence.

“I’m looking for a bottle of Pinot Noir by Emos,” Mr Suh told you.

You took tiny but hurried steps towards a counter where the grocer kept its more expensive bottles, typed in the password and handed it to him. You silently went to the counter, typing in the bottle’s code to ring up the register.

Mr Suh handed you 200 dollars, for a bottle that only costed 85. When you opened your mouth to tell him about the error, he stopped you.

“That’s tip for bothering you after working hours, keep it,” he said.

You tried to disagree, but he refused, saying that it is what he should do. Mr Suh bid you goodbye, before he leaves your sight, he looks back at you with an odd glint in his eyes, one that you fail to read once again.

“I’ll see you soon, Y/N.”

The wine was supposed to be for his conquest tonight, yet when he walked through that hotel door, he knew he wasn’t going to enjoy tonight at all. Maybe the girl isn’t pretty enough? No, she was his usual take on girls he brings to bed, but something was very much off.

Johnny didn’t usually mind a bit of harmless flirting over wine before sex, he did have a tiring day at work, usually this process would calm him down a bit before getting down to business. However, he found the flirting part rather boring and very much tedious today, the girl’s flirty remarks seemed it was droning on to no end. So he sped things up, the wine long forgotten as their limbs tangle up with the sheets.

There was something nagging him behind his head, he couldn’t place a finger on it, until when he closed his eyes, instead of seeing the girl beneath him, he saw you, your tiny body beneath his as your beautiful glossy eyes look into his, the size difference between the two of you significant in his head. That was the image that kept him going, the usual him would open his eyes wide and take in the figure beneath him, but today he kept his eyes closed as he places his head on her shoulder, that action might seem affectionate, but this was just an excuse for Johnny to let his imagination run wild without being questioned.

Johnny left after washing up in the bathroom, leaving just after one round isn’t his style at all, usually Johnny could go up to four or five if he enjoyed the first round, Johnny lets out a big sigh as he gets back into the car, he should’ve asked you to dinner instead of wasting time fucking a girl just to have him imagine her being you in order to finish up.

Johnny puts his car on drive as he swiftly leaves the parking lot, hoping a night’s sleep would clear his thoughts of you. But as Johnny’s head hits his soft pillow, he could only ask himself.

‘What are you doing to me, Y/N?’

When you woke up the next day after a long night of reading through your business course books, trying to take in whatever you can before they realise that you don’t really know what you’re reading at all.

You walked out to the kitchen to grab a quick breakfast, but before you got there, you heard voices.

“We can’t send her college, we don’t have any money left,” you heard your father’s voice say.

“But it’s her future, you’re going to put that after the company?” your mother’s voice questions.

“It’s not like she’s smart enough for it anyways. I walk by her room while she studies, and it seems like she’s just staring at an empty void, we can’t place our future in her hands, we’ll starve!” your father argues back.

What your father said had stung your heart, but after a minute or so after taking it in, it wasn’t the first time they had said such hurtful words about you. You dragged your feet back to bed, no longer having the appetite for breakfast.

You went out for a run when you felt your heartbeat quicken up as your mind floods back all the bad memories that were brought forth because of the conversation you overheard between your parents, trying your best to avoid a full on anxiety attack.

Johnny loves weekends, it was the only time he could invest himself into working out instead of the short two hours he does before work, the gym is the place where he built up his high self esteem, and it’s the reason other than his good looks of course, that brings all the girls into his sight.

Yet he didn’t feel like he achieved as much in the gym after last night’s events. Yes, he did give in his full attention in all the exercises. He purposely slept early so he could feel energized today. Yet he didn’t have the desire to show off his body through a one night stand. The party that he said he would go seemed troublesome instead of his usual excitement of knowing he wasn’t going to bed alone. He took out his phone to text his friend that he was going to sit this one out, making up an excuse about not feeling well.

Johnny was laying around watching television as he scrolled through the latest news of the stock market, feeling a sense of pride as he sees his company’s stock rising after he had taken over from his father.

The familiar chime of his grandfather clock in the corner alerts Johnny of the time, 7 chimes means 7pm. Something suddenly clicks in his head, the sign that states the operating hours for the winery in the mall, you were going to go off work in thirty minutes.

Johnny quickly changes into jeans and a black knitted sweater that hugs his physique perfectly, styling his hair a bit before heading out his door, a smile unconsciously gracing his pretty lips.

When Johnny got to the winery section, he was disappointed to see that you had left, only left with a promoter of some beer, he tried his luck with the staff, hoping to know your whereabouts.

“It’s a Saturday today, so I think she’s off to buy a cup of instant noodles for dinner, she’ll either be at the cashier counters now, or eating at the food court.”

Johnny thanks the promoter as he rushes to the counters, he wouldn’t have spotted you if he didn’t recognise the baby blue checkered scrunchie popping up from the crowd that you wore the last time to match your uniform.

Johnny makes his way in between the masses of people, making some people frown in disbelief as his large figure makes them move away. Johnny plucked the cup of instant noodles out of your hand when he got there, making you jump in fright from the sudden intrusion of your wandering thoughts.

“Mr Suh?” you addressed him when you looked up to see who had took away your favourite brand of cup noodles.

“You’re not eating that tonight, come with me,” Johnny said, his voice more cheerful than the previous times you had seen him, but why?

Johnny takes your hands in his, a smirk making way on his face as he feels your small shaky hands in his large ones, he didn’t mind one bit, instead he likes how shy you are around him. Johnny places the cup of instant noodles on some nearby shelf before dragging you out of the grocer.

When he was out, he stopped in his tracks, turning around to look at you, trying to look into your eyes that were darting away from his. He finds it endearing, how you’re always so nervous whenever you’re with him, it was something very much new to him.

Johnny suggests a few high class restaurants for dinner, rattling off big names in hopes to impress you.

“I-i was only planning to have a cup of instant noodles, Mr Suh. Anything’s fine to me,” you said after many times of trying to tell him that he didn’t need to take you out for dinner.

“But I want you to choose. Go ahead, anywhere you want,” Johnny said and waits, curious of what you’ll pick.

You rocked on you heels and bit your lip in thought as you wrecked your head for ideas to get yourself out of this situation, but you couldn’t help but feel the desire to grab dinner with him instead of eating cup noodles at the food court alone again, and the fact that his hand was still held onto yours made you feel a sense of serenity and had a need to stay with him.

“Do you have somewhere which makes you feel like a child again when you eat their food?”

Johnny was taken back by such a request. Was it touching? He hasn’t felt that from anyone else other than his family and a handful of close friends, certainly not a lady other than his mom. Was it different? Yes. But was it bad? Certainly not, instead he feels a tug in his heart. The girls he met only made requests, instead of asking for his opinion, because they know he could afford anything they requested for, but then there’s you, breaking all of those other girls’ standards. You were also the first one who made him speechless, even if it was just a mere seconds.

“I know a place.”

You genuinely didn’t know why you had made such a sentimental suggestion, you just thought that food from a restaurant that reminds him of home would mean that it was affordable, but other than that reason, it was because if you were to have dinner with a man whom you only had met a handful of times, you might as well get to know him better by knowing little things about him.

You weren’t dumb, you remember what he had said about being interested in you, and that having dinner with him was a risk to your own safety as well. Yet you couldn’t stray away from his dashing smile and the way his eyes shine so brightly when he sees you.

You were slowly falling down the rabbit hole.

The interior of his car had several alterations made to suite his liking, it was interesting, compared to the people who just bought cars based on their ranking and wealth just for bragging rights in an afternoon tea. His car even smelt nice, like the Jo Malone cologne you’ve taken a whiff from the sample sticks given out, you wonder if that’s what he usually wears to work.

You couldn’t help but steal peeks at Mr Suh when he drives, the way he’s so concentrated and how he could casually drive with only one hand on the wheel made you swoon slightly in the passenger seat as his rnb music plays on the radio. You shouldn’t be thinking about Mr Suh this way regardless that he’s interested in you, especially given that the two of you have quite a large age gap, as well as the fact that you weren’t allowed to date until after college. If your parents found out about you going out with Mr Suh, they’re going to skin you alive. That thought made you shiver as you suddenly realise that you can’t be seen with a man out in public, if any of your relatives find out, they’ll definitely snitch on you.

You lowered yourself in the seat as you hope that you won’t run into any of your family members when you reach wherever Mr Suh’s taking you. The drive was quiet, only the radio playing softly in the background, making you feel relaxed. Suddenly, Johnny stopped at the traffic lights, taking a long look at you from his seat.

“Why did you suggest eating somewhere which reminds me of my childhood?” Johnny asked, his eyes full of seriousness.

“I-i just wanted to get to know you better, is that not the right way to make friends?” you answered, glad that you’ve pondered this question yourself.

“It’s not the usual way, but I like how you think, Y/N,” Johnny said before he averts his attention back on the road when the lights turned green.

Johnny could sense something was off with you from the way you looked around anxiously from your seat when the both of you reached your destination, the way your brows furrowed and the way your jittery fingers mindlessly move about. It wasn’t a shady part of town, although the two of you were at the slightly older establishments of Seoul.

“Are you alright? Why are you suddenly so nervous?” Johnny asked, worry written on his face.

You looked down on your fingers that were splayed across your lap, twitching the hem of your skirt to try and calm your nerves with no avail, but you had to say something, Mr Suh, as you’ve grown to realise is a man who’s persistent and straight forward.

“I’m worried that we’ll bump into anyone I know. I’m...I’m not supposed to be seeing anyone or going out with people without permission,” you told him, embarrassed at the fact that you were still very much on a leash despite being an adult.

Johnny feels a sense of guilt settling down his stomach as he sees your eyes avoiding him, if he could take a guess, you must feel embarrassed right now, to have a family like that, maybe that’s why you distant yourself from people around you, they must’ve judged you based on your parents’ decisions towards your life.

Johnny reached towards the spare sweater he kept in his gym bag and handed it to you.

“Here, this has a hoodie. I don’t think anyone would be able to recognise you with it on,” Johnny said in a gentle tone, not even a hint of judgement in his voice.

You obliged and slipped the sweater on, as well as the hoodie onto your head. The sight of your small figure drowning in Johnny’s hoodie made him smile, he never thought his clothes would look so cute on you.

“Come on, it’s peak hour and I’m starving,” Johnny said with a smile that seems to always lift your mood.

You nodded mindlessly, eyes gazed into his warm honey filled eyes and soft smile. When Johnny’s trance broke on you, you quickly reached for the car door, only to see Johnny opening it for you.

‘Must be nice to have long legs to walk that fast,’ you thought to yourself.

But when he held his hand out to help you out of the car, that’s when your head went haywire and could only feel your cheeks burning up from the gentlemanly gesture that you hadn’t expected.

You hope your hand wasn’t shaking as obviously as it felt, or that would’ve been very embarrassing, you thank the skies for the chilly weather, or your hands would’ve started getting clammy from what a nervous wreck you’ve become.

The cold was getting to you as the both of you were waiting in line for a table and Johnny could tell from the way you subtly rubbed your neck, hands lingering there to leave some warmth as the wind blows by. Without thinking, he grabs the drawstrings of his hoodie and secures it surrounding your face like a cute chipmunk.

“There, all better.”

He could tell how nervous his bold action made you feel from the way you stuttered out a thank you, the two words almost lost in the wind from how soft it sounded.

Johnny didn’t know why, but the way you’ll get all flustered from his actions warms his chest like a cup of hot coco in the winter snow.

Not long after, the two of you had gotten a tiny table for two. It was cramped, but Johnny didn’t mind, as long as it’s this restaurant, and as a plus, he could see your face from a closer perspective. He was secretly admiring the shape of your cute little nose while he pretended to look through the menu that he knew like the back of his palm.

“What’s your favourite on the menu? I don’t know what to try first, all the pictures look so nice,” you said as your eyes was open wide with interest, taking in the photos of the food on the colourful menu.

Johnny was taken aback on how you had asked for his opinion instead of the demands of carvier and champagne that he used to hear all the time. He must’ve had a weird look on his face, because the silence made you furrow your brows.

“I’m sorry, that must’ve sounded weird and came off as boring, but I really don’t know what to get, so I thought you should suggest me something since you seem to come here often. Sorry, I ramble a lot when I’m nervous, I’m not a very sociable person, so the things I say might come off as odd...

“No, Y/N, listen, it’s fine. I like it when you talk, and it’s cute that you ramble. And no, I don’t find you odd or boring. I was just surprised you’d ask for my opinion, not many people do that unless it’s about business. I’m glad that you value my opinion, even if it’s just dinner,” Johnny explained, he wanted to listen to your voice longer, but the thought of anything making you uncomfortable surprisingly annoyed Johnny.

It was the first time someone had not found you awkward when you started rambling, you didn’t do it on purpose, it was just that the lack of human interaction made you socially anxious about talking to people and when you want to express something. Johnny is truly an eye opener for you.

Johnny might have ordered a little bit too much for the two of you, but he could always take away and leave it for Mark when he drops by tomorrow. Although Johnny had came here many times, mostly on his own or with Mark, he couldn’t deny the satisfaction and happiness that filled his heart as you tried all the dishes with the most wholesome expressions on your face.

You weren’t Johnny’s workers or business partners, you didn’t need to appease him and give him positive reactions, because with you, he wasn’t Neo Enterprise’s CEO, he was just Johnny and it doesn’t bother him one bit.

The two of you talked about the most random things, from Johnny’s business partners Taeyong and Doyoung fighting in his office, to the time you pranked your co worker by mixing some heavy alcohol into his coffee.

“He couldn’t tell?” Johnny asked, curious because he was a coffee addict himself.

“He thought it was just part of the flavour, it was one of those seasonal starbucks drinks that he bought,” you explained.

Johnny paid for dinner before you could protest and refused to take your money when you had offered to pay him back your share.

You trudged beside Johnny silently when he said that he was going to take you home, you haven’t had such a nice time since forever, and you didn’t want this beautiful moment to come to an end.

You had a sad smile on your face as you watched Johnny drive, it was a peaceful scenery to take in, his face calm as he steered comfortably, the radio once again playing softly in the background.

When you had reached your house, you didn’t really know how to react, other than looking at him silently as he does the same as well.

“Thank you for tonight Johnny, I haven’t had this much fun in a long time,” you said genuinely, grateful that someone as interesting as Johnny would even bother giving you the time of the day.

You figured that this was the polite thing to say, but you inwardly cursed at yourself for sounding like a robot. You shouldn’t be reacting this way, especially due to the fact that he’s so much more older than you are, maybe not too old, 5 to 6 years maybe? Is that considered a big age gap?

“I had a great time with you too, Y/N. Thank you for having dinner with me,” Johnny said, usually he spoke this sentence like a little white lie to whoever he had to meet for business sake, but to you? It was nothing but the truth.

Johnny continued holding his stare even after what he said, the sincerity in his eyes evident as a soft smile graces his lips.

“You should head up now, Y/N. It’s already 9 p.m., if you stay any longer they’ll be suspicious,” Johnny reminded you.

“Yeah, okay,” you replied, immediately feeling down once more.

Even after you agreed to go up, your legs weren’t willing to move, you were going to miss him, so you asked him one last question before you willed yourself to open the car door, you were going to sound desperate, but in that moment, you didn’t have a care in the world.

“Will I ever see you again?”

Happiness fills your heart as you heard the question that comes after.

“Are you working tomorrow?”

#nct smut #nct fluff #nct 127 #johnny suh #johnny smut #nct #nct 2020 #nct dream #wayv #johnny seo

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d-l-dare · 3 years ago

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“Taking the Bus”

It's funny how time often messes us up. It can make us late and miss important events in our life, it could end up costing you a job or even a relationship. Or it can work in reverse and make you early. Sure, being early can be seen as a good thing. The one thing they don't tell you about being early is how unsettling it is beneath the surface. You can bear witness to things you weren't meant to see or hear things that weren't meant to unfold before you in that manner. Of course, being early can be incredibly fatal.

I was awakened just 15 minutes before 4am. I rubbed my eyes, struggling to force them open. They felt heavy, much like my own body that I was forced to drag out of bed. After I got on my feet, I stretched and let out a yawn. I flicked the lights on and threw on my uniform. I didn't get why they felt the need to open our restaurant so early in the morning. I guess I shouldn't really complain, the money I make there and the hours I get are better than anything else this town has to offer.

There was a slight chill in the air, making me reach for my jacket. I checked my thermostat, it was nearly 65 degrees in here. I thought about turning on the heat, but I figured it would warm up enough outside that it would already be toasty in here by the time I got off. I grabbed my keys, my phone, and slipped on my shoes before stepping outside into the cold crisp air of night.

I wished I didn't live so far away from work so I could walk there rather than take the bus. Thankfully, however, I didn't have to walk far for the bus stop. I sat on the cold, metal seat and waited for the bus to arrive. It didn't take too long to show up. The bus squeaked before making its full stop. The doors creaked open and there sat a bus driver to greet me. This guy was different from the one I was used to. I stepped on and deposited my fifty cents. The warm air of the bus felt like a warm blanket wrapping around me, making my feel much more relaxed.

I sat on my usual seat, just in the middle of the bus on the right side. I turned on my phone and kept my eyes on it. There weren't many people riding this time of night, but the social anxiety was still kicking in, making me take comfort in the distance between us.

Even though I had my head down, I still noticed from the corner of my eye, the man sitting across from me, starring without blinking. It was unsettling. I shot a quick glance up but he didn't look away for a second.

"You aren't supposed to be here," the man said in a low, raspy voice. There was something about his voice that felt incredibly unnerving.

I looked up and shot him a look of confusion.

"You know what this bus is, don't you?" he asked. "It's the bus of the damned. This bus is cursed. At 3am, we are doomed to repeat the same thing. Over and over for an eternity to pay for our sins of life."

I rolled my eyes and looked back down to my phone. This guy had no idea what he was talking about. It wasn't even 3am, I thought. I looked up at the time on the top corner of the phone. He was right, it was a few minutes after 3. How could that be possible? I had my alarm set and everything. That's when I remembered, it was daylight savings time. Time was supposed to go down an hour. I looked back up to him in horror.

"You believe me now, don't you, kid?" he said.

"What is it that you're doomed to repeat for an eternity?" I asked him.

In response, he stood and pulled a gun from his jacket pocket. He pointed it at me, making me scream and my blood run cold. This was it, this it how it ends.

"I'm sorry, kid," he said. I closed my eyes tight and waited. I heard the gunshot, but felt nothing. I slowly opened my eyes to find the gun was pointed at the driver. He was dead and the bus was swerving all over the road. The bus flipped and everything faded to black.

*** I was awakened by the honking of a bus. I opened my eyes and looked around. I was back at the bus stop, but how? Had I really dreamed the whole thing? I stood and pulled out my phone. It said 4am. It must have all been a horrible nightmare.

The bus driver before me honked again. "Are you going to get on or what?" he demanded. It was the bus driver I was used to seeing every day. I got on the bus and took my seat. I looked over the people on the bus before I took out my phone. I locked eyes with a creepy man, the same one I saw in my dream. The same on that pointed a gun at me. I stood up and yelled for the driver to stop the bus. The tires squealed and halted, throwing me backward slightly.

"What the hell?" he looked up at me like I was some kind of lunatic. He opened the doors and I raced off the bus. The doors slammed shut and took off down the road.

As I watched the bus, I heard a distant boom, and the bus began to swerve.

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sashatrr · 5 years ago

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Breathe with me. Chapter 17

Chapter 16b here

On the board of his jet Liam was trying to concentrate on the bunch of papers that required his personal attention but all his efforts were useless. He felt like some crucial part of his life were missing. He knew it was time to go back to his duties and his Queen but his only wish was to order jet to return to New York. He threw papers away, got up and began to pace a floor.

Liam had difficult time imagining a life outside of the bubble he created for himself and Lina for a past month. He almost wished now that none of it would happen.

I should have stayed away yet, instead, I let my heart to take over. Would I resist, it would be so much easier now.

But despite his thoughts, he didn’t regret one single moment they spent together. Instead, now more than ever, he wished to be a regular man who is free to love whoever he desire and to spend a life with her.

Damn Leo. For all my life I envied him but now I wish it would be him married to Madeleine, I wish it would be him on display for a whole country to watch. It HAD to be him.

Despite early hour, Liam ordered to bring him a glass of scotch and downed it in one sip, then another one and another. Upon landing on the island, he was drunk enough to face Madeleine.

Liam entered a living room where Madeleine sat going through some papers. Hearing his steps, she rose her eyes to look at him.

-Oh, so you finally decided to honor me with your presence. I am flattered. - she said sarcastically.

Liam didn’t grace her with an answer and took a sit across from her.

-May I ask where have you been? I expected you to return in two or three days but you actually disappeared for a month! We had to return to Cordonia two days ago.

Liam winced, the last thing he needed right now is Madeleine playing a role of a jealous wife.

Not like she has any right to question me or my actions.

Liam was never a cruel person but something in this moment was pushing him towards the edge.

It shouldn’t be her. What did she ever do to deserve being a Queen or my wife? If anything, any other woman in Cordonia would make a better wife.

-Not that it’s any of your business, Madeleine, but I don’t mind telling you. I spent OUR honeymoon with another woman. I’ll spare you details unless you really want to hear about her, about everything she has and what you will never have.

Liam smirked sadistically. It felt good. He was quick to blame Madeleine for everything. For tricking him into this marriage, for her inability to be a woman he needed, for being here with him, for not being HER. Deep inside he knew that he is just as much to blame as Madeleine but he didn’t care. If his fate was to suffer in a hands of destiny, he believed that Madeleine deserved just the same. He wasn’t going to make it an easy ride for her.

She wants to have everything not giving anything in return. We shall see if her dreams will ever come true. Never if I get any say in this.

But Madeleine only indefinitely shrugged locking her eyes with Liam’s. A few moments passed in heavy silence.

-You are right, I don’t need details. As long as the press and court won't find out about it, you can have as many women as you wish.

Grinning widely, Liam moved from his chair next to Madeleine and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

-I don’t need your permission, my dear wife. You are delusional if you think that court won’t know about it sooner or later. Nobody will judge me but you on the other hand… People will pity you and something tells me that that’s not kind of Queen you want to be.

Madeline shrugged his arm off her shoulder and abruptly rose from the couch.

-Don’t you dare to embarrass me, Liam. Keep your dirty secrets under wraps.

Despite all efforts, her face became a mask of anger, her entire life Madeleine spent focused just on one goal, only she knew what did it cost her,only she knew how much did she have to sacrifice on her way to the top. And now, when she finally was here, she won’t allow Liam to ruin it for her. She won’t be seen as a weak Queen whose husband and a King by birth frankly disrespects her. Madeleine had enough time to reconsider her behavior and if he needed her to pretend that she is enjoying sex with him, then be it.

This Liam who came back to her wasn’t the same man that left this island a month ago. She had no idea what was happening but she sensed a drastic change in him. She observed his behavior since they were kids, this Liam was different and she knew that she needs to find a way to please him and stay on his good side or rather… to get there.

Liam crossed his arms watching Madeleine with satisfied smile. He didn’t need to be a telepath to know what thoughts were running through her mind but it was to late for that. Sometime during a short time they spent together, in his mind Madeleine turned into the main obstacle on his way. He didn’t know what is it exactly he wanted but she was right here and he intended to make her his girl for beating.

-Or else what? What will you do, Madeline?-he was now feeding of her anger. - Run to Regina? Complain to your father? Be my guest. -He rose from couch and closed a distance between them speaking to her now in low, threatening voice. - I am setting the rules now and you will obey them or else…

-Or else?… - she asked with trembling voice.

Liam laughed in her face lifting her chin to make her look directly into his eyes.

-Actually there is no else. Why to hold back? First thing upon our return I will limit your power to basic social functions. You won’t be holding any real power and will stay out of my way at all times. I will also name a heir until we have a child, someone who will be out of your reach. Your finances will be cut off as well, I will control every cent you are spending. - Liam violently grabbed her wrist leaving bruises on porcelain skin and brought her palm to his mouth leaving a kiss on it. - Is that the life you wanted? Is that why you became a suitor again? Is that why you decided to play with my life?-He dropped her hand and stepped away from Madeleine. - Well, enjoy it, I will make sure that you will drink this cup to the bottom.

Dashingly Liam left the room leaving shocked Madeleine alone.

He won’t do It. He CAN’T do it.

With shaking hand Madeleine reached for box of cigarettes and walked out to the terrace lighting one. She smoked only when something would go terribly wrong, when stress would become to much to bear and right now she knew that nothing that ever happened to her could complete with today’s disaster. If Liam will stand by his words it will mean that her entire life she wasted for nothing.

Hours later, Liam entered a dining room and saw Madeleine waiting for him with a drink in her hand. Her face was still pale and she didn’t even bother to change for a diner. Liam walked up to her and squeezed her wrist violently taking a glass out of her hand.

-You won’t be drinking anymore, my Queen. - he said last words in sarcastic tone finding some kind of satisfaction in calling her that. - Now get out of here, I told you to stay out of my way. Don’t show up until it’s time to leave.

Madeline ripped her wrist out of his hold, crossed a room and sat in the chair.

-You won’t be treating me like this, Liam. It’s unacceptable. I am your wife for God’s sake! I will go to the press if I have to. You left enough marks on me to prove everything you’ve done.

Liam’s face became a mask of anger, he walked up to the chair, bend down and placed hands on the both sides of her chair.

-Go to the press, do me a favor. I will find my way out of it, but you on the other hand will never find your way back to the palace. Actually now I want you to do it. You will have your chance tomorrow morning, I am sure that press will be meeting us in the airport.-Liam lifted her chin with his fingers and stared intensely into her eyes. - Don’t you ever dare to threaten me again

Madeleine swallowed nervously before to reply. She smelled alcohol in his breath, her last hope was that it was alcohol speaking and tomorrow an old Liam will return.

-We shall speak once you are sober, Liam. - she said with trembling voice. - Now let me leave, I will stay out of your way tonight.

With victorious smile Liam stepped aside letting Madeleine to leave the room.

After a dinner he walked out on the terrace, pulled phone out of the pocket, dialed Linda’s number and waited until she answered the phone. Her voice was sleepy and instantly Liam felt guilty for not thinking about time difference.

-I am sorry for waking you up, baby. I just wanted to ask how your day was.

-Boring and lonely-he heard her reply. - I miss you.

-I miss you too, baby. I will check my schedule tomorrow and will come to New York as soon as possible, I promise.

-I plan to start looking for a job tomorrow. It should keep me occupied until I see you again.

Liam imagined a smile playing on her lips when she was talking to him, a warmth of her naked body and his member hardened instantly from a longing desire to be with her, to be in her.

-You don’t need to hurry with it, baby. Check your wallet in the morning. - he said smirking. - There is a card and a code. You can spend as much as you like, don’t hold back.-Liam laughed lightly. It felt good to take care of her, to know that she will have anything she desires when he can’t be near Lina. It felt right.

-Liam! You are doing it again!… - he heard annoyance in her voice.

Liam allowed her to speak for a few seconds before he placed a thumb on a red screen button.

-Sorry, baby. Connection is really bad here, I am still on the island. I can’t hear a word you are saying, I’ll call you later. Miss you.

He pressed a button and with satisfied smile shoved his phone back in the pocket. He felt like a naughty boy but he couldn’t help it, nor him or her should allow stereotypes to rule their lives.

She will get over it, she will get used to it. She doesn’t have to spend her life in some dusty office if she can have it all.

He didn’t like an idea of her finding another job a bit. That would mean that another asshole will boss her around, just like her old boss. He will make sure that she won’t have to go through it again

People work for money,isn’t that so? Well, she doesn’t need them while she is with me.

Next morning Liam and Madeleine boarded a jet and after a short flight arrived to cordonian airport. None of them spoke to another during a flight and Liam preferred it that way.

Madeleine didn’t risk to check if his mood changed today, it was almost impossible to see any emotions on his blank face but Madeleine couldn’t help it but shiver anytime her eyes would meet his so much hate and anger she saw in them.

Once royal couple left airport, members of the press and people immediately surrounded them.

-Your Majesties, how did your honeymoon go?

-Are you happy together?

-Do you have any news to share with us?

Liam wrapped his arm around Madeleine’s waist pressing her to his side and smiled happily to the cameras but didn’t say anything. All eyes turned to Madeleine expecting for her to speak.

A ball was now on her side of the field. At first she didn’t believe that Liam won’t take her threats seriously but his actions proved her wrong. Now it was her chance to reveal his actions to the public but she knew that she can’t do it. Not many cordonian citizens would believe her and her words, Liam was loved by his people and the press, his good heart and kindness were well known to the public. Besides, it would give him a perfect excuse to get rid of her instantly and Madeleine didn’t intend to lose her position after going to it for so long. She couldn’t believe that soft hearted and normally easy to manipulate Liam would change so drastically within a month time.

There must be a way.

Madeline took a deep breath and smiled to the press doing her best to look happy. She greeted them and said a few words about how happy they are to be back home and that they intend to give Cordonia a heir as soon as possible. She assured people that herself and Liam are ready to work tirelessly on improving life of every cordonian. After that Bastien and guards cleaned a path to a waiting limo.

Once both got inside and Bastien shut a car door, Liam leaned back on his sit and laughed locking his eyes with Madeline.

-That went well, my darling, but what happened to your intention to reveal my behavior to the press?

Madeleine didn’t reply and averted her gaze to look in the window.

After a short ride to the palace, Liam and Madeleine left the car and were greeted by Regina, Drake and Maxwell among all the palace stuff who lined up on the stairs to greet their monarchs.

Regina smiled warmly to Liam and Madeleine.

-I hope that you both had a great vacation.

Liam nodded to Regina returning a smile and before to move to Drake, answered her with a wide smile.

-Oh, you have no idea. It was great indeed. How are you doing? I hope the country didn’t collapse while I was gone.

-Everything is great, Liam. I am doing well, we all do. Duke Domvallier and Duke Castelsarreillan both made sure that things are running smoothly. You can meet with them later, both will be here in a few hours.

Liam nodded and shook Drake’s and then Maxwell’s hands heading with them inside.

Regina turned to uncommonly quite Madeline but Madeleine only greeted her politely and headed inside to her chambers.

A few hours later Hakim and Ibrahim, Dukes of Domvallier and Castelsarreillan arrived and hurried to Liam’s study with their reports. After discussing everything that happened while King and Queen were absent, Liam got to the main topic he had for this meeting.

-Ibrahim, I want you to prepare a secret decree that will strip a current Queen of any power.

Ibrahim shifted uncomfortable in his chair.

-I will do as you say, Your Majesty, but may I ask for a reason? It’s uncommon decision for our country. Off course, as a ruling monarch by birth, that’s your right to decide what power your spouse and kids can hold but it didn’t happen for the past 180 years.

Liam looked directly at Ibrahim preventing him with his commanding gaze from asking more questions.

-My reasons are personal, Ibrahim and I would prefer to keep them to myself. Madeleine can’t be trusted with any real power so her functions will be nominal. All heads of ministries must be informed about this decree. Bastien and Royal Accountant will be informed by me personally.

Liam rose from his chair and thanked both Dukes for their work ending the audience.

Next he called Bastien and accountant into his study informing them about his decision and new circumstances. At last, he called his secretary.

-Stavros, I need you to find a best gynecologist clinic in Switzerland and make appointment for me and Her Majesty for a next weekend. Make sure that they keep it in secret.

-Off course, Your Majesty-Liam heard reply and ended the call.

Next chapter

@indiacater @drakesensworld @annekebbphotography @hopefulmoonobject @jared2612 @carabeth @dcbbw

#the royal romance #trr #trr liam #choices trr #choices fanfiction #choices liam x mc #liam x mc #trr liam x mc #Breathe With Me

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cyberwavelit · 5 years ago

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Gamer's Debt (Short Story)

"Crap, all I wanted was the gold chest so I can buy some extra lives. If I don't get any more extra lives, I'll lose all my gold when I die. How am I supposed to win if I have to pay for every damn thing?" Joden stepped down the ramp of his Blourgan cruiser and surveyed the alien landscape. It was barren except for the remains of a small village that he had just annihilated with a two-ton necro-missile.

"That's life. People are generally selfish, impatient, and insecure. Game companies use these weaknesses to motivate players. Maybe you shouldn't have blown up the village, is all I'm saying." The pilot of the cruiser, Jershamalama, spoke through his comm.

"But how does anyone get the hell out of this game if they can never win? I've been stuck in this hell hole for thirty days! My body’s back in the real world, rotting away.”

"Hey, you wanted to play, didn't you? Maybe if we travel to a non-npc sector we can trade off some of this junk we get every time we kill an enemy.” His pilot stared at him from the cockpit.

Joden looked back, “I feel like a slave. That garbage is only worth a pinto cent. It’ll take decades to get to the end game. And besides, that's if we can take off with all that junk. It'll take us a few hours to get back into the atmosphere. It's like a Fetch-22."

"You mean a fetch quest?"

"Yeah, something like that." said Joden taking out his cent-o-meter. It consumed his health bar as it scanned the surrounding sector. His eyes darted around his visor interface, looking at all the blips and bubbles that pinged. “I wish I could afford the Super Hyper Gold Jetpack that all the booster players use.”

“They only release that on the first Wednesday of every other month with a sign-on fee, an option to buy stocks in EternaEntertinament, a monthly fee, a mental evaluation, and maintenance fees when your able to grab it from one of the random places it spawns, like the Hell planet Infernum or the planet Madness Descent. Plus, I hear they only give you like a 3 second jump.”

“What?!” He nearly tripped over a crumpled alien body. “You can’t be serious. My mom’s going to kill me. I told her I was going to school. I figured I could just sign up for a few games, try my hand at Galactic Teamslayer, and be back at the rent-a-plex by nine. That was a month ago!”

“Relax. They won’t even notice you’re gone. Most parents have been sucked into this new thing called Binge Child Raising. EternaEntertinament created it too. It’s a simulation where adults can raise children and not have them become reclusive, angst-ridden failures. They’re really gouging everyone for money, real and fake, young and old.”

Joden was too focused on the horizon where a few blips were going off. They were purple, which meant that they were low-value targets. Everything seemed to be purple. “I never asked--how long you been here?”

“You shoulda seen it when it was it first came out. The servers would never load and you had to sit there, in the darkness, watching a timer run out as they patched their simulation. It was like holding your breath under water.” The pilot sucked his teeth. “Hang on a sec. Have to rate the game again—after this ad.”

“Yeah, I hate doing this every hour.” The astronaut picked up a child’s toy from the clutched hand of a sloblarian. “Wonder what this is worth. I heard that we used to play with things like this, not just video games where you pay to win. Up, hang on a sec, got an ad playing.”

Joden’s reality changed. He was sitting on a park bench. A duck came up to him, honking and pulling at his pants. The countdown to the end of the ad appeared in his peripheral. It quaked and quaked until Joden threw down a few coins to skip it.

Back in game world he was still holding the toy. He threw it down with distain and a lack of remembrance for such physical trifles.

He was then asked to rate the game. He voted as he always had, giving it a one-star out of three. There was a chime and a message: “We’re sorry you’re not enjoying your time in our game world. Perhaps if you were more openminded and understanding of the fact that you may not always get what you want, you might have a better experience with our merchandise. Please lower your expectations. Thank you.”

Joden coughed to drown out the message he had heard a hundred times. “I’m so tired of game companies stealing from us. Don’t they realize that it’ll only make the game suffer?”

“Yeah,” responded the pilot, “let’s go steal something.”

“I’m so tired, Jersh. I just want to go somewhere where we can kill an alien race and grind their bones into dust. What’s so wrong with that?”

“If you only knew, kid. On its launch the game world wasn’t even finished. Eterna used the gamers to construct most of the planets using the build-and-play incentive. Those gamers signed a contract that said that they had to make at least four hundred ‘products’ before they could actually the game. They called it the ‘fix-it-later’ release. The products they were referring to was one galaxy. Those designer gamers are probably still waiting…”

“Four hund--?” Joden held up his fist to the pilot, who had been watching from the ship’s windshield. “That’s extortion!”

“Welcome to the world. They get away with it because it’s a game world. You can do anything in the game world like gambling, murder, blackmail, forced labor, and forced sodomy. Nothing’s real so nothing matters.”

The astronaut had disembarked about five hundred meters from the ship. Steam bellowed from its worn exhaust. “Why did you call me kid? How old are you? I mean I know you have the same avatar as me…”

“Age doesn’t matter either. Yeah, I couldn’t afford the customizations either.” Jersh tapped his helmet. “So, I guess we both have the same face.”

“And same weapons, gear, armor, boots, ships, weapon skins, and abilities.” He noticed a large oval blob on his visor’s HUD. It was moving closer behind a small series of stone pillars.

“Oh no, I have the blue-skinned Rigormortis rifle. It’s got this badass blue stripe on the side. Cost me 20,000 gold, 200 platinum, and 4 of my lifesaving’s accounts. If I didn’t have this stripe, I’d probably go insane or worse, color blind.”

“Shut up, dude. Something’s coming. I think it’s a surviving sloblarian. I hear they get angro really quick. I don’t want to die here, man. I never bought a 600-gold resurrection pack. It’ll take sixty days to load back in…”

Jersh responded, sounding distracted, “You’re fine. Just cap it in the head or something.”

The purple blob was twenty meters away. If it wanted to attack it would have to come out into the open and charge him. He could tell there was movement but it was more restless than threatening. Joden took out his rifle and fired at the rock tower. The gun exploded in his hands, sending his obliterated fingers in multiple directions.

“Ah damnit! I forgot about the maintenance fee!”

The figure bounded from the pillar and slunk slowly towards the enemy astronaut. It skulked across the yellow, Phallusian sand with its omni-dexterous flippers. Arriving to the hunched-over human its tugged at his spacesuit and motioned for him to come closer.

“Gross dude, it wants to talk to me. What should I do?” The rounded head bobbed up and down like a rubbery ball. It seemed to be injured or at least miserable.

Joden heard distinct crunching noises emanating from the pilot’s mouth. “IDK. Step on it I guess.”

The polymorphous blob at his feet opened its crevice-like mouth and appeared to gasp for air. But it wasn’t gasping. It was whispering. He leaned down and listened.

“Dunk…prrray…Donk pppreeeey.” It was saying, and gargled as its lips flapped. “Doooonnk plllaaaaay. Chooose nut to pprraaaaay. Fyind sumting essl to do wilth yourg tyhme.”

“Oh, hell no!” shouted the man, as he squashed the creature’s face with his boot. It was like stepping on a water balloon filled with pebbles. He looked at where his hands used to be and screamed into the sky. “What does it all mean? Why do I always have to be punished! I’ve been in the same place for too long!”

"It's not good to live in a dream.” More crunching came from the ship. “You sometimes forget what life is like."

Virtual blood splashed onto the dry dirt from his nubs. A few splatters mixed with the alien’s internal fluids. The reflective pool at his feet showed his avatar’s face, the same face of his pilots. He searched rapidly for any signs of wealth or material possession. There was nothing but ooze and viscera. Tattered cloth around the dead alien’s head was smushed and torn.

He turned toward the ship with a look of bewilderment. “How many gamers are trapped here? We can’t be the only ones. This game isn’t anything like what they advertised. They lied to us! Who would want to be stuck in this perpetual nightmare of pay-to-play, pay-to-build, pay-to-live, pay-to-pay mechanics?”

“I don’t think you get it.” The pilot was still eating. “Companies do this to consumers because consumers let them. The general belief is that consumers are very smart but when’s the last time you heard someone say: ‘I won’t buy that because it goes against my code of ethics?’ None, no one’s ever said that. People like spending money. It’s in our blood. Its our nature to trust rich people. They seem to have all the right answers even when they don’t. They make the truths that we all follow. Besides, how could they get all that money if they had bad intentions.”

Joden used his character’s remaining strength to rush back towards the Blourgan cruiser. He felt a draft of air coming in the direction of the ship, and heard the engine roaring to life. “What the hell are you doing?”

The mercenary vessel hovered three feet off the ground and its nose pointed at the runner. Its pilot could be seen through the windshield, “Sorry newb, you’re becoming to be a real downer.”

“I thought you were my friend!” he whimpered, his nubs heaving back and forth.

The ship elevated to ten feet. “None of us are really friends. We’re all just trying to make a living. And I need one more kill for the Slayer Award. We’re all just numbers.”

As he came to the plateau where he had disembarked, he held up his invisible hands to shield his face. “I just want to go home! I just want to go home.”

A cybersonic laser beam burst from the cruiser’s forward cannons. He felt the hot bathing light of the beam and then felt nothing at all.

“I can’t get out…I can’t…” He awoke in darkness. A screen appeared that read the same message he received hundreds of times, “You have died. Looks like you have low gear and feeble weapons. Would you like to buy a booster pack?”

“No.” he responded.

“A looter box?”

“No!”

He said the same words over and over before. The message continued, “You have elected to refuse game-provided assistance. This is a poor decision. In order to continue gameplay without using game-provided assistance please insert thirty-seven-point-one resurrection tokens.”

He wanted to cry but said, “I don’t have any.”

The automated voice paused and spoke again after popping up a sixty-page form. “Well that sucks. In order to continue please complete the loan agreement in front of you. The loan is for $6,000. Sign here, here, and here.”

Joden lowered his shoulders and looked at his current debt. It read: “-387,000.” He breathed out, collapsing his chest, and grew red-faced. “No!” he shouted.

There was another pause and the form disappeared. For several moments there was darkness and silence. “Very well.” The automated voice returned. “You have chosen reincarnation. Goodbye.”

“No!” he screamed defiantly. “No!”

Then, all of a sudden, he felt strange. He looked out through oddly-colored eyes. His hands had returned but they had three fingers instead of five. When he tried to speak, he could only gasp through what felt like a straw. The sand that he walked on grew hardened in his webbed feet. An alien girl danced toward him, carrying a toy. She hugged him with pencil-thin arms and turned towards the sky. Tattered robes fell along his arm and he patted the girl’s head. He looked up, to where the girl was gazing and saw a massive fireball break through the atmosphere. A necro-missile came out of the fiery plume, heading straight for their small, stony village.

#shortstory #short story #scifi #science fiction #oc tag

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sewertour · 5 years ago

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Note: I wrote this exactly 6 years and am bringing it back, since I just got back from my 2019 cruise (page count: 0!)

Writing Workshop at Sea for One or My New Expensive Hobby

I am a terrible writer.

Not that my syntax is any more clunky, my stories any less interesting or my prose as equally tortured than the average scribe's, but my writing frequency is infrequently fecund. For me, writing is hard. And after years of wall staring self-analysis, I've decided my troubles stem from the fact that the very act of writing makes me think. Hard. Very very hard.

And since thinking hurts my brain, and my brain does not enjoy painful experiences, spends time focusing me on other cognitive tasks that have more immediate rewards, like reading an email, eating a pint of ice cream or staring into a middle distance thinking about all the awesome things you could be doing. When I finally make the effort to concentrate on writing, I start by planning to write.

There are all kinds of plans to make. There's different medium to mediate, places to pontificate, and scuttlebutt to schedule. And by the time that's settled, I'm suddenly hungry and have to deal with that crisis immediately. Before scratching no more than a few words, I suddenly have the urge to check my phone which reminds me that it's essential I watch TV. Then the day's over and I start to despair my lack of word count, but there's always tomorrow and tomorrow.

So for 2013 I decided that I was going to spend a big chunk of my work vacation time leading the romantic life of a non-professional writer. This way, I wouldn't have to hole up in a dank garret worrying about where I was going to get my next bottle of MD 20/20, or worry about any distractions at all except for the glow of the blank page.

Unfortunately, I knew holing up at home wouldn't work. First off, there would be too many distractions and besides, it wasn't working now on evenings and weekends, so why would it if I had a whole week or two? I needed to go on more than a metaphysical writer's journey, I needed a place to unhook from reality, and the Internet. I'm really bad about the Internet.

My first thought was to book time at a writer's colony in the mountains. Away from the internet and worldly distractions is traditional, but a quick search on the internet revealed a sad truth. Not only were these retreats expensive, but for some of them I would not only have to do some cooking and cleaning, but listen to other people's touchy-feely paper revelations and talk about how it made me feel. Ugh.

Maybe I just need to find a cheap hotel that feeds me whenever I want. What about Vegas? Still too distracting for me. But what if you took a vegas-style hotel, leached it of all hope and placed it somewhere far from the prying hands of a national government and the internet? That would be a writer's paradise. And that would be a cruise ship.

It's a jail cell without the shivving - a monastery without the religion - a lonely shack surrounded by nature, but with a doctor on standby. There would be an unsuspecting audience for my karaoke and an ever present army to prepare my snacks 24 hours a day. And if you're willing to take the least popular routes available, all of this can be yours for a very low, low price.

To many people, a cruise is synonymous with fun. There's a certain appeal to sitting around all day by a pool, eating at the buffet, and then at night soaking up all the bountiful light entertainment. But it's not really for me. Distraction-free living is like a form of prison and makes me anxious. That's why I have a smartphone. But on a cruise, where the internet comes at a Great Cost - around 75 cents a minute unless you get it in bulk - I'll only have writing to keep me entertained. Or I'll go crazy.

So here I am, in the middle of the ocean writing this thing you're reading instead of watching a movie, cruising Twitter or attending a comedy hypnotist show that bills itself as one of the greatest in the world. But there may be time for that on the ship tomorrow. It's a whole day at sea and my head is already pounding like crazy just anticipating typing more of this out.

And so far, I've not only managed to knock out a few pages, contemplated throwing myself overboard and seen a few places along the way, but I lost 14 lbs. (It may have more to do with the endless pacing from anxiety than healthful living, but I'll take it.)

Want to lose weight, make friends, combat Internet addiction and writer's block? Form your own Workshop at Sea! Or better yet, pay me to make your writing dreams come true and I'll organize a bunch of you to come on a boat with me and tell each other our mediocre scribblings are, 'On the Write Track'? Because after spending nearly a month at sea, guru-ing seems like a more fun than struggling with this stuff alone, finally freeing me to enjoy myself by the pool until that drives me crazy too.

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dustedmagazine · 5 years ago

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Listed: Tomás Nochteff (Mueran Humanos)

Mueran Humanos, an Argentinian duo now based in Berlin, mixes post-punk, industrial-inflected synth explorations, garage rock and psychedelia. Carmen Burguess and Tomás Nochteff share vocal duties and play a very basic line-up of instruments: bass, synths, drum machines and samplers. In his review for Dusted, Andrew Forell called their latest, Hospital Lullabies, “a thrilling concoction of electronic, industrial, bass-driven body music fueled by the transgressive spirit of a DAF or a Psychic TV.” Here, Tomás presents his list of visionary music.

A list of visionary music

What is a visionary? Visions can come in dreams, in journeys to other worlds, in hallucinations. They can be the product of will, of a derangement of the senses, or they can come uninvited to save you or to haunt you and destroy your mental balance, even your life. It can be heavenly, or hellish, but to be authentic visions they have to be otherworldly. And to be visions rather than just imagination, they must have an element of truth. Not literal truth, like “that wall is green,” but a different kind of truth, the one that´s expressed in symbols, in metaphors, in omens and obsessions. In “Heaven and Hell,” Aldous Huxley analyzed the visions of people under the influence of psychedelic drugs, the visions of mystics and the visions of schizophrenics. He found fundamental parallels and concluded that they must have been visiting the same places. These people are not merely hallucinating, but they are perceiving another reality, visiting a different world, or maybe they are perceiving the world as it really is. And he quotes Jung on this: “schizophrenics and mystics are on the same ocean, but schizophrenics are drowning and mystics are swimming.” A visionary could be a mix of all these archetypes. Like Philip K Dick: was he on drugs? Yes. Was he mad? Yes. Was he seeking enlightenment? Yes. Had his visions an element of truth? No doubt about it. Were his visions revelations? To some extent, yes.

On our last album, Hospital Lullabies, the songs deal with all these different experiences on the journey to another world and on the invasion from another world into everyday life, with its horror and its beauty, the agony and the ecstasy. And how one copes, or doesn´t, with it.

So to celebrate it, I made a list of music that I do consider visionary. There’s madmen, there’s mystics and there’s psychonauts, all possible combinations of the three archetypes and everything in between.

Pharoah Sanders—“The Creator has a Masterplan” (Impulse)

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I don´t know much about cosmic jazz, or any jazz for that matter, but what I know is that this record is pure bliss. “Harvest Time,” on Pharoah is another masterpiece. Alice Coltrane and Don Cherry are also incredible. This is music of the spheres; it has the touch of God.

Rudimentary Peni—CacophonyI (Outer Himalayan Records)

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One of the few perfect punk bands ever, for lots of reasons. The bass lines are extraordinary, for example. But they belong here because of schizophrenic member Nick Blinko: incredible artist & novelist, obsessed with Catholicism and the supernatural horror. A guy who stopped his medication to force himself into a psychotic crisis just to write an album. Hero. Martyr.

Nico— “Janitor of Lunacy” (Cherry Red Records)

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For me, Nico was the best and more underrated of all Velvets (and we love Velvet Underground as much as anyone). Also, the production from John Cale on her records is probably his best work too, or at least among his best. I feel that she is not appreciated enough. Iggy said that meeting her changed him. I suspect that´s true for all her famous friends: Bowie, Lou Reed, John Cale, Leonard Cohen, etc. They were all larger-than-life characters. And we know there is an element of self-built mythology on all that, a bit of acting. There is nothing wrong with that; rock and roll at its best is a complete artform and we must appreciate this self-built mythology as part of their craft. But with Nico you don´t get that feeling. She seemed that she didn´t care about her image, she was born Nico and I suspect that in that sense she inspired them all to no end. She was the genuine article. One of our main loves in music. Essential with a capital E.

Coil—“I Don’t Want To Be The One”

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Jhonn Balance wanted to be a magician, and he died trying. I think he succeed in building a shamanic body of work with the help of the great late Sleazy and a myriad of brilliant contributors. Coil´s music at its best it´s like a plasma between worlds, or a very, very good psychedelic drug. My most beloved electronic/industrial/post-industrial project ever and one of our main influences. This performance is superb.

Lungfish — Feral Hymns

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I´m not interested in DC post hardcore per se, and I don´t have any tattoos. I shouldn´t care about Lungfish the way I do, but they knock me out every single time. Daniel Higgs is a seer. I don´t know what he is talking about, but at the same time, my gut knows exactly what he is talking about. He speaks in images, like Tarot, like the religious painters, like Rimbaud and San Juan de la Cruz. His delivery is supreme. Raw and fragile, yet powerful and precise. Over circular, repetitive, minimal structures of music that have a haunting, arresting effect. Hypnotic, magical, devotional music. Either you get it, or you don´t. I can´t explain it. That´s the beauty of it, I suppose. And the truly mark of the visionary artist.

Ghedalia Tazartes—“Une Éclipse Totale De Soleil Part 2”

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Ghedalia for me represents the pure, untouched, sui generis artist. Applying the techniques of musique concrete to the ancient folk music of the Sephardic Jews with a raw energy that usually you can only find in punk, or blues. I see in him an archetype, the Fool card in the Tarot. The madman that opens the gates of heaven and hell, gives himself to these supreme energies and survives only because of his perfect innocence.

OM—“Sinai (live at Sonic City)”

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Maybe the greatest rock band of the last 20 years. Here with Robert Aiki Aubrey Lowe to maximum effect.

Charlemagne Palestine—Live in Holland 1998

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Like Ghedalia, Charlemagne Palestine is a Jewish artist that works in the avant garde field but subverts it with the tradition of his folk music instead of sticking to the cold, cerebral, rational program of academia. He has his own world. Watch this and you will understand what I am talking about.

Virgin Prunes—Excerpts from Sons Find Devils/“Walls of Jericho”

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There is a VHS tape called Sons Find Devils, comprised of live shows and short experimental films (some of them made by Balance, from Coil). I had it as a teenager and watched it countless times. Sadly, it is not complete on YouTube or elsewhere but here are some small extracts. With their heretic mix of Irish Catholic imagery, Irish Paganism, Bataille, performance art and post punk, the Virgin Prunes made a unique and extraordinary body of work. A testament of its importance is that Gavin Friday was guest singer of two bands in this list: The Fall and Coil. And Mr. Scott Walker himself invited him to sing on a play. Maybe the historians ignore them, but Mark E. Smith, Scott Walker and Coil knew where it’s at, didn´t they? Their record If I die I die is a masterpiece. Produced by Colin Newman from Wire, no less, if you need more validation.

Boredoms—Vision Creation Newsun

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I like some of the more comical, early work of Boredoms, but with Super AE and this one they got me. They got serious and spiritual, channeling Alice Coltrane, tribal drumming, kraut rock and noise into a glorious, euphoric sound. Maybe they are not visionaries, but their music can produce visions. I saw them around 2005 (on acid) with the three drummers line up, still in this phase. I remember thinking “this is what cavemen had in mind when they invented music.” I actually saw it, with my eyes closed. Early humans. In caves. Inventing music. God bless LSD.

Aphrodite´s Child — 666

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The one record I bought for the cover only, it cost me 50 cents, best deal of my life. A concept album about the apocalypse. Easy contender for the best psychedelic rock album of all time. Pet Sounds? Get outta here. An absolute masterpiece.

Tim Buckley—Starsailor

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Tim Buckley is a mystery. He died too young. How he went from his L.A. folk rock first album to the absolute unique sound of Starsailor and Lorca is impossible to understand and a miracle of music. All six records in between are masterpieces. He was possessed by genius and has the most beautiful voice. I don´t know much about him, but his music put me out there.

Sun Ra—Night Music 1989

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Watch this. Space is The Place, indeed.

Pescado Rabioso—Artaud

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This guy, Luis Alberto Spinetta, is considered by many to be the most important rock musician in my country. So being an arrogant teenage punk, or whatever, of course that alone was enough to reject him altogether without even thinking. But a couple of years ago I was blown away by a book of poems he published in 1978. Incredibly beautiful, unique and sophisticated poetry. I recently started, too late, to listen to his music. This is one of his most famous and revered records. It´s dedicated to, and inspired by Antonin Artaud, who tried and failed to reach the mystic enlightenment, generating a body of work in the process which is a testament to his spiritual ambition, his radical rejection of the material world and his pain. Spinetta understood this, he said the record was trying to find an answer to Artaud, a way out of it, a way out of the pain. It´s psychedelic music of the highest order. The lyrics are incredible but you can enjoy it even without understanding them.

Dead Can Dance—Dyonisios

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I kept forgetting this band exists. This new album is great. I listened to it non-stop during last Winter/Spring. It´s the perfect time because the record is about Dyonisios, so as a soundtrack for the rebirth of Nature it´s perfect. Probably their best work in years. Sublime.

The Fall—“Garden” (Live at the Hacienda, Manchester, UK, 1984)

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No list of visionary rock and roll would be complete without Mark E. Smith. Famously he said, “I used to be a psychic but I drank my way out of it.” Indeed, there was a time, between 1978-1990, when he was possessed by something, injecting realism with mysticism, mixing high and low planes, exposing the supernatural forces that hides in the cracks of everyday life. He never talks about hell neither heaven, but rather the way they mix and manifest here on Earth. You’ve got countless of bands using occult/mystic imagery, and you know it´s nice but it´s just a game. You’ve got thousands of bands referencing Burroughs and the cut-up technique, but no one can write as Burroughs did. MES did it. MES wasn´t playing. He was a realist of the augmented reality, he told it like it is, in his fragmented, hallucinatory, unpretentious, visionary prose poetry.

There is a lot in his lyrics that can be read in a mystic, occult way. He left a lot of clues for the ones that can read them. His texts are kaleidoscopic, and they reflect what´s in your mind, really. I think he will be recognized with time as the great experimental writer that he actually was rather than merely an angry Mancunian punk. He had more in common with someone like Iain Sinclair than with any other rock musician. One of my favorite web sites is The Annotated Fall, where fans analyze his lyrics in depth. Pay a visit if you can, I can´t recommended it enough. In many ways, he was too intelligent for rock and roll, and that´s why he was misunderstood, but he didn´t care, he believed in constant work, never explain, never apologize. The Fall took all the best things in rock and roll: Can, Velvet Underground, punk, Captain Beefheart, and pushed it to the next level. Our favorite rock group ever.

Huun Hur Tu — “Prayer”

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I tried to stick to Western, modern music but I can´t help including this.

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waypathfinder · 5 years ago

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Crimson Lane - Chapter 3 - Dreams and Promises

Moodboard by @ashtyntaytertot Beta’d by @kathknight and @ashtyntaytertot

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Chapter Text

Rey awoke in the night, disoriented and confused.

An arm curled around her waist. Kylo Ren’s arm. The memory rushed back to her. The hairs on her neck prickled with each slow breath he took, his broad chest rising and falling against her back.

She unfurled his arm from her body and placed it before him. His brows twitched at the movement, her breath caught in her throat and she froze. He did not wake.

Outside, the moon was breaking a path through the dark overcast sky. She crept out of bed, walking towards the window, her naked form silhouetted against the streaming moonlight. The street was empty now, loose sheets of a newspaper flittered along the pavement beneath the bright lamplight. There were no cars other than the few parked by the road and not a single soul wandered the lonely streets. It was eerily quiet, the silence only broken by sudden gusts of winds that moaned in strained cries and churned up the leaves into whirlwinds.

“Don’t go.”

Rey’s heart jolted at the sound of his voice. She turned around to see his ash-white body lit up beneath the waning moon.

“I’m not—” She stopped to look at him. His eyes were racing beneath pale lids, face grimacing and tightening as different expressions chased each other. He was asleep. His fingers twitched, reaching for the spot on the bed that was still warm from her body.

She returned to his side, leaning in close to study him. He was light and darkness. Every feature in contrast to the other. He was all shadows and lines, pointed cheekbones, angled jaw, soft lips, long lashes. His dark hair cascaded across his face parting around his large ears. He was ugly from one angle. Beautiful from the other. But striking and captivating.

“Please,” his voice cracked into a chilling whisper. She shivered at the sound.

“Kylo?” she whispered back, touching his shoulder, but there was no response.

His hand reached forward again, searching the sheets. He looked so alone. It reminded her of all the times she had spent the night cold and lonely, shivering beneath a summer blanket on a winter evening. Tears lashing from her eyes knowing there was no one there to help her, to hold her hand, to save her from her nightmares.

She crept back into bed. Her body folded into the curve of his own and his arm found her again. She felt safe in his hold, momentarily wanted in this world by someone. It was an illusion, of course, a twisted painful lie, but still, at that moment she imagined what it was like to be loved. Her chest heaved unsteadily at the thought, and she allowed herself to drift back to sleep.

Her mind fell into dreams, dark shadows dragging her back into the past, dragging her into a world she’d struggled so hard to leave behind her every day.

She was lying on the floor of the lounge room, one of the many lounge rooms she had called her own for a time. The Moroccan rug was worn, she remembered, patches of it frayed. She pulled at a thread, wishing in her dream she could unravel it and she would fall through the ground into a better place. She pulled and pulled at the thread, a burgundy bind that would not break no matter how hard she yanked. It went on for miles, and she wondered what lay on the end.

Then he was behind her, the man who haunted her dreams almost every night. His face hidden behind a shadow of darkness. He chased her through the rooms of an abandoned house. Always too close. Always hindering her escape. He grabbed her hair and yanked her back. And now she was on the floor, curled in a ball.

She jolted awake.

Thump! This time she wasn’t dreaming. Kylo thrashed behind her, arms and legs trapped in their own nightmare. And then a low groan, a guttural noise that chilled her blood. He shot up, his legs kicking over the side of the bed, hands wringing through his hair. Rey reached for his back.

Her fingers made contact, and his breath caught. His skin was hot to touch, glistening with sweat.

“It’s okay.” She sat behind him, touching his shoulder uncertainly. “It was just a nightmare. I have them too.”

He didn’t respond, but his breathing resumed, slower but still unsteady as his shoulders trembled beneath her touch.

“It’s okay,” she said again in a hushed tone, her fingers circling his back in slow caressing turns. There was something painfully raw about the way he sat there, naked in the moonlight the words forming in her chest. Despite the night before, despite everything in this crazy situation. She knew the pain of haunted dreams, she knew what it was like to run away from your past during the day only to have it catch up with you in the night. It never went, not really. She had tried to bury her past, but it never died.

Rey cupped her fingers over his shaking shoulders, and he stilled at her touch, his skin prickled in goosebumps. His hand reached to her own, long fingers covering her.

“You’re not alone.” She didn’t mean to say it, but the words pried themselves from her lips, given a life of their own.

He stood, hand slipping away from hers.

“Go back to sleep.” His words were sharp, a commanding edge that made her think he was used to ordering people about.

“What are you…” Her words drifted away. He was pulling his trousers on in a rush, his shirt, once crumpled on the floor, now sliding onto his back as his fingers moved clumsily to fasten them. “You’re leaving?”

Silence.

“But you still have a couple of hours left,” she said, her eyes and cheeks growing hot as the words left her lips. She wanted nothing more to curl up on a ball on the floor. It was bad enough being paid for having sex with someone, but having them walk out without even… She shuddered. It was so much worse. “We can go again, here let me…”

“I’m done.” He picked up the rest of his belongings and walked out the door, leaving Rey alone in the bed, naked and confused.

There were voices from the foyer. Furtive, pressing, voices exchanged in low hisses. She stood atop the stairs, her hand reaching for the polished mahogany banister, her foot dangling above the step below, toying with the idea of going down.

“Yes, of course, Mr Ren,” Phasma was saying, working hard to placate him, her voice accentuating every word.

More words from him. Inaudible. Sharp. Rude. Rey’s cheeks tingled. What was he saying about her? She took a step lower, rolling the soles of her feet to make sure the steps didn’t creak at the sound. The conversation continued.

“I can assure you I went through the rules. I will book you in with a different girl next month,” she grabbed the planner, tapping her pen against it in a staccato rhythm. “How about Tessa?”

Kylo spoke. His words still rude. Still sharp. Still inaudible. Rey took a breath and another step, straining to listen.

“Yes, it is unacceptable,” Phasma said testily. “It was only her first night. It was wrong of me to pair her with you.”

She stepped again, the slightest creak, as her toes touched the next level, but it wasn’t loud enough to draw their attention.

“What do you mean it was her first night?” His voice was louder now; she could feel the anger in his words. Rey took one more step closer, her last one, she swore to herself. “Is she not a sex worker?”

“She’s just a kid who’s gotten in over her head with debt,” Phasma said with a cruel curl of her lips. Rey bristled at the “kid” reference. She was 22 and had been doing it tough on her own since she was 16. Hardly a fucking kid who had just forgotten to pay off her Visa card. She clutched the railing, stopping herself from doing or saying anything rash. She was on the edge of being fired.

Phasma continued: “Tonight was her first shift. I wanted to her to get practice in before Snoke—”

“No Snoke.” He interrupted her brusquely, raising a hand to silence her.

“Mr Snoke will want to try her out.”

“When is he due to come?”

Rey risked another step closer.

Phasma checked her planner, tapping her finger on a point within the pages. “Friday.”

“Book her with me on Friday,” he blurted in that same commanding tone.

Phasma pursed her lips tightly.“ Mr Snoke will not be happy.”

“I don’t care. Book for the full-night again. No other clients that night.”

Rey swore in her head. The mere thought of going through tonight again was… She didn’t know what it was, perplexing, uncomfortable, confronting and just plain weird.

Phasma sighed. “Very well, booking for Desert Flower. It will cost you though.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? After tonight I shouldn’t have to pay a cent,” Kylo spat, and Rey flushed.

“I said I was sorry about that,” Phasma said and checked the planner once more. “She’s on the next couple of nights. I’ll get her up to speed by Friday.”

“Fine.” Kylo glowered, tossing his credit card at her as though it were nothing. Rey risked one more step, but this time his eyes snapped up at her. She quickly retreated, but it was too late; he had seen her.

“Charge it through to Friday.”

“I beg your pardon?” Phasma asked incredulously.

What? Rey froze, darting her eyes back at him in disbelief.

“Every night through to Friday,” he added, not taking his eyes off her and having no shame to turn them away from her.

“There’s no discount, you know? It’s still $400 an hour.” Rey did the maths in her head. By the end of the week… shit by the end of the week she would have paid off just under half of her debt, or at least the first installment, but that was all she could focus on.

“Fine. I’m out-of-town tomorrow but don’t have her fucking anyone else. Completely block her out,” he said, again with that authoritative tone.

Phasma sighed again, her lips pressing even tighter together. “Fine. She’s off limits. No bookings.”

Rey had made it to the top of the steps now, stopping just out of a view, her heart flipped.

“Now give her a copy of those fucking rules and make sure she can recite them blind by the time I come back,” he said loudly, to both of them Rey suspected.

“Yes, Mr Ren.”

“And Phasma?” He paused. Rey closed her eyes, dreading whatever would come next. “Buy the girl some fucking lube.”

#crimson lane #reylo #reylo au #reylo fanfic #reylo fanfic rec

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thedeviljudges · 7 years ago

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for @hoppnhorn and from this tweet + tags: there’s a man sitting at barnes & nobles rn & his wife keeps bringing him books to hold and saying “oh just one more” and he looked at me and said “she can get the whole store and i’ll carry it for her.”

Billy doesn’t like surprises.

Scratch that. He loathes them, and Steve knows there are very good reasons for the anxiety that wells in Billy’s chest when something is sprung on him at the last minute. So, when Steve had asked him if they could go somewhere together – no guesses and no reveals – Billy had sent him a trepid stare that revealed much more than he would’ve liked to have admitted.

But as it stands, Billy sweeps his gaze across the room, and his thoughts swing from this is a joke; it’s got to be a fucking joke to the haunted thought that this is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me; fuck you, Harrington.

He doesn’t know what to say, feels an awful lot like a fool for standing at the front of the store without losing himself to the massive amounts of shelves that litter the space. Billy finds that he’s stuck, boots like sandbags against the floor, and it doesn’t help that Steve’s staring at him with doe eyes, trying his best to gauge Billy’s reaction.

Thing is, Billy doesn’t even know what his overall feelings on the matter are, but he does know that his breath catches, and he may or may not feel the thick of tears at the corner of his eyes when he takes in the store from the highest vantage point they’ve got.

They’re standing in a recycled book shop, building full of used books, bins and shelves decorated with color and mustiness that only comes with ageing paper and creased spines. Billy might even say it smells a bit like mothballs, but the quality of air doesn’t compare to the way his chest tightens when he realizes that Steve thought about him, was considerate enough to do so amidst the effort and worry over whether Billy would freak out over the gesture.

“You don’t have to do this,” is what Steve is saying. They’re next to each other, shoulder-to-shoulder, with Steve’s sweater brushing against his leather jacket, looking so out of place and possibly suspicious the longer they stand in front of the door that had chimed as soon as they’d walked in. “I thought it’d be better if you had something to do, you know? You’re always re-”

“Anything?” Billy interrupts, sending Steve an apologetic smile when he snaps his mouth shut. The nerves the other boy feels are tangible, the anxiety radiating off of him tenfold because he’d planned this for Billy with the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he’d like it.

Billy doesn’t really know how to tell him how much he actually loves it.

“Anything you want,” Steve answers, the corner of his mouth slowly curving into a sheepish smile. “I’d buy you the whole store if you asked.”

It’s so sappy that Billy shudders at the tone of Steve’s voice, the sincerity Billy derided long before he learned that Steve always means every word he ever says. He laughs, though, just a huff that makes his nose scrunch and the corner of his eyes crinkle in mirth. If he could, he’d take Steve’s hand in his, squeeze their palms together in a familiar gesture when he can’t find the words he wants to use to let Steve knows he cares.

But even without the ability to do that now, Steve already gets it. He gives Billy a gentle nod of understanding, reminiscent of Billy’s mother and the notion that he hadn’t thought anyone would ever replicate the general kindness she emanated.

That thought alone leaves him tender and raw underneath the mask of nonchalance he’s reveled in for so long.

“How much time we got?”

Steve shrugs, brows lifting along with the movement. “As much as you need.”

There’s guilt somewhere deep in his chest at the thought of Steve wasting his time dawdling behind Billy while he succumbs to the creeping excitement over the striking amount of literature at his fingertips. It’s the same awareness he basks in when he lingers in the library after a rough day, fingers ghosting over the jackets, which crinkle under the pressure.

But Billy also reminds himself that Steve brought him here, purposefully decided that taking Billy to an old, dusty bookshop was worth the time, was worth his time. “You’re sure about this?” Billy asks just in case, but he can see the ease in Steve’s shoulders and the thrum of elation that spreads so easily across his features. Steve may not be a bookworm, but he loves the fact that Billy is.

“I know a library is probably more practical,” Steve says as Billy finally draws them into the shop. There’s not many people in today, and the kid running register looks bored as hell reading through the local newspaper, but Steve’s voice fits quite nicely with the atmosphere: warm and scrupulous under the low lighting, illuminating only what’s most important, “but I know you love your mother’s copy of As I Lay Dying, and I thought used books, well-”

To which Billy pauses, keeps his eyes on Steve as he plucks a random book off the shelf, observing the cover both front and back, before returning it to the same spot he’d found it in. “Harrington-”

“-they tell a story of their own. We could go somewhere else, though.”

“Harrington,” Billy tries anew, but Steve’s on a tangent of nerves again, the kind that Billy doesn’t like because it means that Steve’s doubting himself.

“They could be new if-”

“Harrington,” he finally says, undercuts Steve by reaching for his wrist. They’re between two bookshelves that tower over them, and no one else is in the aisle, so Billy takes advantage of what little privacy they have, doesn’t even think about hesitating as he pulls the boy flush against his body. “It’s perfect,” he says, noticing how easy it slips off his tongue. Billy cups the underside of Steve’s jaw, thumb rubbing small circles into his skin that not only eases the tension, but becomes an excuse just to touch Steve.

He’s incredibly tepid under Billy’s touch, going soft underneath his efforts. The brown of Steve’s eyes turns a little hazy as they stand there staring. Billy steals a kiss, short and sweet and realizes he likes the way Steve hums in return, a pleased purr following the delicate flush of his cheeks.

It doesn’t take much more than Billy grinning impishly for Steve to regain his bearings, pulling away from him as he clears his throat. “You’re such a menace,” Steve says as he pushes past Billy.

They take their time, Billy admiring nearly every book as they past shelf after shelf. Some of them he recognizes, while others he doesn’t, but he pulls them off the shelf, examines them, and then decides if it’s a keeper. In the meantime, Steve watches Billy with a fluidity he’s only seen a few times in his life – playing basketball, during sex. Billy handles each book with care despite the fact that some are falling apart at the seams. They’re old, don’t cost more than a couple of cents, but he acts as if every single piece matters.

“It’s not too many, is it?” Billy assures, glancing back at Steve who’s become the basket. Books are piled in his hands, overflowing to the point where he’s not sure if he’ll be able to hold another even if Billy tried to deposit one carefully.

But that’s not what Billy refers to when he takes a few from Steve’s hands, holds them in his own, licks his lips and stares at every book like he regrets his choices.

“You’ll read them all, right?” Steve asks, knows that some of the classics, the stories even he’s heard of, are burning holes right through his arms.

“Yes,” Billy says without pause, blinks back at Steve with owlish eyes that let him know the absurdity of the question.

“Then it’s never enough,” Steve supplies, manages to find a near-empty shelf to set everything on. Billy helps him, restacks the books so they’re neatly aligned and much easier to carry, and even then, he treats each book with just as much care as his mother taught him to.

“You didn’t have to do this, you know,” Billy ends up blurting with the abysmal reflection that he was long past the point of feeling remorse. There aren’t a lot of things that get under Billy’s skin anymore, but sometimes things still do. In the wake of Steve’s kindness, this sorta feels like a little too much.

“Save it, Hargrove,” Steve insists, abruptly ending Billy’s tumultuous thoughts. He’s bundled all of the books close to his chest as if he knows exactly what Billy’s thinking, and it’s difficult not to come to the conclusion that he looks like a child unwilling to share.

It effectively stops Billy from sliding a few out of the stack to quietly place back on the shelf. “You fight dirty,” he mumbles, arms crossing over his chest in an attempt to look upset.

It doesn’t work, however, when Steve snorts and says, “It’s either this or me picking out an assortment all on my own.” He gives Billy a pointed look, a don’t argue one if Billy were gauging correctly, and then he continues, “We both know how well that would go. I’d like for you to not laugh at me for my choices in reading material. Thank you.”

“Alright,” Billy gives in, watches as Steve relaxes, handing him an entire stack like he’s trusting Billy not to run off with them. “But this is it, then. You’re not buying me anything else.”

There’s a glimmer in Steve’s eye, one that’s up to no good, and Billy knows it means the opposite of what he’s asked, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself because the, “Okay,” that slips from Steve’s lips definitely says one thing while everything about him says something else.

Billy doesn’t press it, however, knows better than anyone that Steve is just as stubborn as he is.

“Thank you,” he murmurs a few minutes later after Steve’s paid. The plastic bags are in his hand, heavy weights holding him hostage to the fact that Steve is everything he could’ve dreamed of and more.

He hopes his mother would’ve thought so, too.

Instead of shrugging Billy off or pretending he hadn’t heard his admission - both of them knowing that Billy doesn’t often do saccharine - Steve climbs into the car and waits for Billy to follow. “You’re welcome,” he says after a beat, when the heat is turned up and the slush from the light snowfall begins to disintegrate from the windows.

Billy rubs his hands together to warm them up, and despite the fact that they’re in a public parking lot, he leans in close to Steve, reaches for his hand before pressing his lips to the pink of Steve’s knuckles.

Steve, with everything he’s got in him, smiles beautifully.

#harringrove #i gotta come back and edit this but fjlaskdf i tried #this took me all day... like wyd noel slow poke

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papergirllife · 5 years ago

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The Heartbreaks That Led To You.

Zhong Chenle.

Being the daughter of a millionaire was hard. Other than going to formal functions every other weekend.

This Saturday's event was as usual grand in every aspect. My father always brings me to these formals so that I could ' socialise ' with their sons so that he could secure his deals more fluently.

After talking to the business men my father introduce me to, I went to look for my boyfriend.

" Joy, have you seen Jason? "

" I think he went to the garden's direction. "

" Okay, thanks. "

I walked out to the garden to see fairy lights hung from tree to tree, illuminating the night sky in a soft glow.

I heard voices behind some tall bushes on my left. I walked along the plants to see that a gazebo with brightly lit lanterns sat behind the hedge.

What made me stop in my tracks were the people sitting in the gazebo.

It was Jason and a girl I didn't know, and they were making out.

I quickly ducked back behind the tall hedge before they could see me.

I walked back to the banquet hall with my head hung low.

It wasn't the first time my boyfriends cheated on me, they usually date me just for the sake of my father's wealth, not for me as a person.

I stopped in front of the large mirror of the hallway.

I'm not drop dead gorgeous, but I'm not ugly either. Then why do all the guys I date still replace me as easily as wearing new clothes?

Loyalty is even rarer than diamonds these days. At least my puppy, MinMin still thinks I'm the best.

I saw Joy by the bar and walked up to her.

" Can you tell my father that I suddenly felt ill and went back home? "

" You looked fine just now. "

" Jason's cheating on me. "

" Do I need to hire a hitman for you hun? "

" No, but thanks. I'm used to this by now. "

" You want me to come with? "

" No, it's fine. You should enjoy the party. "

" Call me when you get home okay? "

" Will do. "

I downed a glass of whisky before exiting the venue.

I took my phone from my Gucci clutch, dialing the number one on my speed dial.

" Hello? "

" Chenle? Can you come pick me up? It's a code red. "

" A name like Jason is always a douche bag, Y/N. Don't be so sad about it, he wasn't hot anyways. "

" I know, that's why I need you to cheer me up now. "

" Be there in 10. "

" 10? How fast does your driver drive ? "

" I just got my license. See you there. "

He hung up before I got to question his driving skills, guess I'll just have to see for myself. Just hope that we don't crash.

It rained as I waited for Chenle to pick me up. I cursed at myself for not bringing an umbrella.

A white coloured Tesla stopped at the parking lot as my phone rang.

" Wait for me at the lobby. The floor's too slippery for your heels. "

" It's fine Chenle...

" No buts. "

He hung up before I could argue further with him.

Chenle stepped out of the driver's seat, a large umbrella in hand.

" I bought your favourite snacks before I came. Hop on. It's too slippery for your tiny Jimmy Choos. "

" It's fine Lele. "

" No it's not. Now get up before you get a cold from standing out in the cold this long. "

I climbed up onto Chenle's warm welcoming back.

" Take the umbrella Y/N. "

Chenle walked towards his car carefully and opened the passenger door. Instead of telling me to step down, he laid me down the seat slowly, even making the effort to check if my dress was all in the car before closing the door.

Suddenly it felt Chenle wasn't my friend since forever, rather an angel sent from haven for me at moments like these.

' Stop having these thoughts Y/N. You've known him since your diaper days, he's just like a brother. ' I thought to myself.

" Give me your phone. " Chenle said as he settled into the driver's seat.

I handed him my phone wordlessly, thinking he just wanted to check the traffic condition on the application in my phone.

Instead he did the unthinkable.

" Hello? Is this Jason? Y/N will never see you again. I will be sending back all your belongings first thing tomorrow. And for your wellbeing, do not let me see your ugly face. "

I looked at him, dumbfounded that he did something so extreme. He never did anything like this before, yes he was sad and understanding when I went through break ups, but never calling and mind you, threatening any of my exes.

He drove the car silently, only the radio playing in the background softly. I didn't dare to question him.

Chenle opened the door to his unit, ushering me into house cosy home. The view of Seoul's night sky greeted me, no matter how many times I've seen it, it still seems breathtaking to me.

I walked into Chenle's bathroom to wash up for the night, he bought a replica of everything I use at home for us to have sleepovers.

In many ways Chenle's condominium felt like a home more than the house I grew up in, I have always felt a sense of security here.

After washing up, I slipped into one of Chenle's sweaters, hanging my dress in his closet.

I padded to Chenle's bed and slipped under the warm blankets. Not long after, I felt Chenle climbing into bed.

His warm presence of body heat made me drift off to sleep in peace.

I woke up in cold sweat, the scene from tonight replaying in my dreams in an endless cycle.

I slipped out of the expensive blanket, taking shakey steps to the balcony, sitting cross legged facing the illuminated night sky of Seoul.

I looked at the vast city below me.

' Is there really no one made for me in this populated metropolis ? '

Suddenly, soft footsteps interrupted my 3 a.m. thoughts.

" Why are you out of bed ? " I turned around to see Chenle taking a seat next to me.

" Bad dreams. "

" You shouldn't sit on the cold marble floor when the heating isn't turned on. "

" It's fine. "

I leaned my head on Chenle's shoulder, embracing the warmth he was emitting.

" You don't have to keep telling me you're fine when you aren't, Y/N. "

I didn't know what triggered me. Maybe it was Chenle's words or just the feeling of loneliness, but I started breaking down.

I didn't know when, but when I looked up from sobbing behind my hands, Chenle already had his arms wrapped around me.

" It's okay. I'm here. "

" Why don't any of the guys I date stay, Lele? Am I that ugly ? Am I not a person who's nice to be with ? "

" What? No! How can you say that ?! "

" Then why are every one of them walking out of my life ? "

" Y/N, you date guys who are heirs of leading companies in the world. Yes, they're rich. Yes, they can give you the financial security you had your whole life. As well as all the Diors and Chanels you want. But they can never, ever give you loyalty. The one thing that doesn't cost a cent. If you ask me, loyalty is as rare as the pink diamonds in your mom's safe. "

" Does that mean I'll end up lonely and single like my great aunt ? "

" Y/N, just because the guys you meet at your father's parties are trash, doesn't mean the whole male population is. You want a guy that can give you all the Guccis in the world and his loyalty, your exes can't, but I can. "

At his sudden confession, I stopped my crying out of shock.

" Chenle, I...

" No. Don't. I know you don't like me. I've always loved you, since we were kids. Fuck, why did I even tell you that ? "

Chenle pulled away, his warmth slipping away as well.

He curled up into a ball, his back facing me, he was heaving sobs as bad as the ones I had the few hours prior.

My heart felt a crack from what was playing in front of me. That's when I knew, it's always been Chenle.

The times we laughed and cried together, the good times and the hard, the feelings we felt. We were meant to be together.

Now I feel utterly stupid. Instead of chasing fuckboys , I should've realised who I was leaving behind.

" Lele. I love you too. "

He looked up, he looked at me with doubt in his eyes.

I scooted to his spot and hugged him close to me, closer than the many other friendly embraces we had.

I tighten my arms around his waist, and planted my head on his shoulder, to let him know that I'm not leaving, never again.

" It'll take time to adjust from a friendship to a relationship, but I'll prove it to you. "

" You don't have to, Y/N. I think you'll stay this time. "

I placed a soft kiss on his cheek and wiped the tears on his face.

" Can you do me one favour though ? "

" Depends. "

" Stop wearing bucket hats when you're with me. You look cute in them, but your face just gives me the uwus. "

" Only if you'll stop calling yourself ugly. "

" I'll try. "

" Don't worry. I'll always be there too reminde you how beautiful you are. "

" I bet I look like crap now from all the crying. "

" Still no. Now let's get some sleep. My cleaners are going to clear out the trash in your house tomorrow. "

" I want cuddles. "

" And cuddles you'll get. "

Needless to say your ex woke up to his things being stored in trash bins along with a rotten fish or two stuffed between his clothes.

#nct smut #nct fluff #nct #nct imagines #nct soft imagines #nct scenarios #nct soft hours #nct chenle #nct dream #nct dream chenle #zhong chenle #chenle fluff #chenle #nct angst #chenle angst #chenle aesthetic #chenle au #nct 127 #wayv

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spider-moon-princess · 7 years ago

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Time Travel CH 19

HOLY JEEZ, THIS TOOK A WHILE. LEGIT, I sat down for like four hours to write this. I wanted to make sure things were kinda accurate, plus dealing with FEELS. But y’all have five pages worth, at least LOL.

Part 18

Masterlist

——+++——

Toshizō unlocked the door to his shared apartment. The sudden thought of how they decided to live together came to him. He chuckled at the memory and kicked off his shoes, “I’m home.” He could smell something cooking. She’d gotten home first, so dinner was left up to her. They took turns, depending on who made it home first. Sometimes they’d order out.

"Toshi! Welcome home.“ She peered over at him, turning off the burner, and noticed he was lost in thought already. There was something else on his mind, after all, he’d visited Souji early in the morning. Besides work, there was a lot on his mind with Souji. Even after all this time, though talking to Sano and her, he still blamed himself for the death of his younger brother.

“Thanks,” Toshizō grunted and absentmindedly sat on the couch. A black cat jumped next to him, rubbing against his hand, asking for attention. He scratched the cat behind the ears. It was one of the precious things Souji had left them. Souji had picked up this cat while he was living at the dorms and dumped him on Toshizō’s doorstep after nursing back him to health. The little shit had named him Toshizō, and the cat didn’t appreciate having his name changed.*

Satomi picked up Toshizō and set him down, taking Toshi’s hand in hers. “I’m here when you’re ready to tell me what’s on your mind. I doubt it’s the next surgery or paperwork.”

He gave her a very thin smile and gave her hand a squeeze. “Aa, I know. It’s just…there’s something that came up. I have to discuss some things with Kondō-san and Sannan-san before I can tell you.”

Satomi got closer to him, laying her head on his chest. Toshizō closed his eyes, running his fingers through her black hair. Her presence alone was enough to soothe him. “It’s that big of a secret you can’t tell me then?”

“Aa. At least not yet. Believe me, it’s…complicated. You will find out.”

—

Chizuru stroked his hair. Souji had exhausted himself and settled his head in her lap. Eventually, she’d dozed off as well.

Souji woke up first and shifted a little to look up at Chizuru’s face. Her presence was rather comforting and soothing. She smelled vaguely of cherry blossoms. He reached up to cup her cheek, expecting her to awaken, but she stayed sleeping. Just what did his counterpart see in this Chizuru? Sure, she was cute, good on the eyes, but why had he loved her? All the “memories” he’d been seeing, they had such warm feelings attached to them whenever Chizuru was in them.

“Souji…” She murmured, her eyes fluttering slightly. She leaned down to kiss his forehead.

Souji chuckled. “Are you awake, Chizuru-chan?” He waved a hand in front of her.

Her eyes snapped open. She thought she’d been dreaming. The only way to see her Souji was in her dreams. "Ah, Okita-san! I’m sorry! I was still asleep!”

He stood up after spotting his sword leaning against the wall, next to the tv. “Ne, Chizuru-chan,”

She rubbed her eyes and looked over at him. “Yes, Okita-san?”

Souji picked up his sword, unsheathing it, feeling a sense of familiarity and calmness. It was the only thing that had come with him, the only thing that was familiar.“If you tell anyone about last night, I’ll kill you.” He strode over to the couch, pointing the sword at her neck.

Chizuru looked up into his eyes. He didn’t have that amused sparkle in his eyes that she expected him to have. His mouth was curved into a sadistic smile. She’d never seen this expression on her Souji’s face. It was a painful reminder that her Souji wouldn’t return to her. The man in front of him just bore his face. “O-Okita-san…”

The look of fear on her face was reminiscent of the Chizuru he’d first met. She had been terrified at his “jokes.” “Don’t forget that I’m me. I’m not the same soft Okita Souji you knew. Don’t confuse us.”

She didn’t, couldn’t move.

He burst out laughing, and sheathed his sword in one fluid and quick movement. “I was joking, Chizuru-chan. Not entirely.” He sat down near the journals.

“Okita-san…you’re unbelievable! That’s not something to joke about!” Chizuru grabbed a pillow and smacked the back of his head with it.

Souji knew he deserved that. “…Chizuru…”

She stopped as she was about to throw another pillow at him.

“…thank you. For being there last night.” He whispered.

“…it’s nothing…” She mumbled, getting up from the couch to go to her room to take a shower and start breakfast.

Souji stared at the old, worn journals in the box. Some of them looked vaguely familiar, since every now and again, he’d take time out of his day to ransack Hijikata-san’s room and read his “diaries.” He finally reached into the box to pull out the first one. There was a letter inside.

Dear Hijikata family,

I have managed to find these journals from the time that Hijikata Toshizō-san arrived in Kyoto with the rest of the Shinsengumi members, up until almost the end of the war. I implore you to keep Hijikata Toshizō-san and the Shinsengumi’s history alive by passing down these journals for generations to come, so people can learn about who the Shinsengumi really were.

From Hijikata Toshizō-san’s Page, Yukimura.

Chizuru-chan? He recognized her handwriting. What business did she have recovering Hijikata-san’s journals? He didn’t know how the rest of it played out. He had only read the part about Kondō-san. Maybe Hijikata-san would give him a more detailed explanation of what actually happened to the Shinsengumi.

He skimmed the first few journals that he talked about when they were the Roshigumi. He remembered all of it too well. After the incident in Ikeda, he started to read more carefully. The dates were smudged a bit, but he could make out the month and year.

June 1865

Souji…that bastard…I heard him and Yukimura talking. He doesn’t plan on telling us about his tuberculosis. I’ve already told him I can’t send him back to Ezo. I can only keep an eye on him and make him rest as much as I can. That guy��s going to hate me for it…

By this point, some idiot named Itou infiltrated the Shinsengumi, and according to Hijikata-san, he was playing Kondō-san. Sannan-san had drank Ochimizu and became the Colonel of the Furies, though the words “Rasetsu,” “Oni,” and “Ochimizu” were smudged out. Every time Hijikata-san mentioned it, the words were smudged out, so to anyone else reading it, they wouldn’t know what he was talking about.

Souji sighed, so Chizuru-chan and Hijikata-san found out about his illness then? Whether his life was short or long, he was going to do all he could with his sword for the Shinsengumi and Kondō-san. Dying in a bed didn’t suit him, nor would he have let it happen. This Mother Hen would say otherwise to his choices.

April 1867

Heisuke and Saitō left us to join the Guard. The path Kondō-san and I carving didn’t seem to agree with them, but we will continue forward, with or without them. They have their own roads to carve and follow.

It was hard for him to picture the ever-loyal-to-Hijikata-san-Hajime-kun leave the Shinsengumi. He could understand Heisuke, but Hajime-kun was a bit of a shock. He continued reading.

November 1867

Heisuke has come back to us after we’ve managed to pull off our stunt, but at a cost. He’s now joined Sannan-san. Many of the guys have mixed feelings, but in the end, I think we’re all relieved he’s back. For now, Saitō needs to lay low before he can come back to us. He’s played an important in all of this, I couldn’t be more grateful he kept Kondō-san from being assassinated by the Guard.

So, Heisuke had become a fury. He couldn’t picture the sweet Eighth Division Captain killing others for joy and drinking their blood. The white hair. The red eyes. He couldn’t picture it on him, but somehow he’d become one.

December 1867

There was an attempt to assassinate Kondō-san. Souji gave me his two cents on the matter, he’s still a kid…Of course, it doesn’t mean he’s completely wrong. It’s my fault. I should’ve convinced Kondō-san to take more men with him.

That same night, Souji ****** and killed the men that had attempted to assassinate him. Yukimura went after him, and we were able to find them both thanks to her.

Now, Souji has joined both Sannan-san and Heisuke. Kondō-san is disappointed in himself and in Souji for what he’s become. I should’ve been watching him more carefully.

How interesting…He did end up drinking Ochimizu. It didn’t matter what he had to do to get rid of Kondō-san’s enemies, even become a beast. He owed him his life and much more. The war raged on and even Hijikata-san himself and Hajime-kun succumbed to the Ochimizu. The Choshu Ronin, an Oni, he guessed, was the cause of this. Hijikata-san had sent Chizuru with him and Kondō-san to Osaka to recover from wounds. The cause of his own wounds was also smudged out.

The war raged on and Hijikata-san struggled with decisions. Their comrades left, Shinpachi-san and Sano-san left. Hajime-kun stayed with the Aizu Domain.

May 1868

Kondō-san…has surrendered to the new government. He ordered me to continue moving forward with the Shinsengumi name on my shoulders…Souji somehow managed to find me and give me a good punch. There wasn’t much strength to it, since his tuberculosis was still present, even though *******. He and Yukimura traveled far to track me down. We both felt it, Kondō-san’s death. I had no excuse for him. I am just as angry as he is that Kondō-san was executed like a common criminal. That man was the most honorable and noble Warrior to have ever existed. He died smiling.That person that gave so much even when we didn’t have anything, was gone, executed brutally. He still died a real Warrior, a true Samurai, more than these sons of bitches that turned tail and sided with the Satchō.

He and Yukimura…seemed to have gotten involved, but both know that it doesn’t seem like Souji will last much longer. We all knew it. He collapsed and was taken to the infirmary.

Yukimura stayed with him until his last moment. I stood outside, waiting. She finally came out, unable to say a word, crying her eyes out. I never thought I’d hear the little shit say he loved a woman in such a sincere voice. I ordered her to find a place of her own, away from the war, it’s no place for a woman. I ain’t a coward that takes down a woman with him.

Souji blinked, rereading the last page again. It wasn’t his death that had shocked him, though he was severely disappointed he had died in bed,unable to avenge Kondo-san, it was the fact that he and Chizuru…were together. In his life, he’d come to love Chizuru-chan. The same feelings that were in the memories he saw…He would’ve had them too if he had continued living the life in Ezo. He and Chizuru…

He took a few moments to absorb Hijikata-san’s thoughts and feelings. There was so much to process. The way his comrades, friends, had gone to carve their own paths. Kondo-san’s death…Hijikata-san had a lot on his shoulders…he had been burdened with so many things. The world changed too rapidly for them.

June 1969

I fought alongside Heisuke and Sannan-san to get rid of the remaining *******, but not long after that, they turned to ash, they ************. You two fought well, take care of the others for me, Gen-san, Yamazaki, Kondō-san, Saitō, Souji. I’ll join you someday soon.

I made sure to destroy anything related to ******. That must never repeat itself. Before Sannan-san was gone, he gave me the location of his research. I ran into that ****, Amagiri. He said that that Kazama had destroyed Kodo-san’s research and ******. Apparently, Heisuke and Sannan-san had helped him destroy that army he’d created.

Last I heard of Yukimura, she’s been trying to track me down, but she’s made a good life for herself in the temple I left her at. The elderly lady I sent a letter to told me there’s a nice guy that’s been looking after her. Maybe she’ll finally live well, have some kids, a good husband, after all of this. She deserves it.

Now, it seems like I’ve come to the end. The Tokugawa is collapsing. What do I have left? I ain’t going to battle to win, I’m going to go down like a true Warrior. Someone’s gotta go down with the Tokugawa, and it’d be disgraceful if no one went down with them. But, I’m gonna give them hell and give them the best fight they’ve ever seen. I’m carrying the Shinsengumi name with me, so I will die honorably and proudly by the paths we’ve made for ourselves.

That was the last entry.

Souji set the journal down.

Hijikata-san endured so much. Death, political power, honor. He wouldn’t have admitted it back then, but Hijikata-san had died a real Warrior.

Souji stared blankly at the floor, fighting back his emotions. They’d lost everything they’d worked for. Everything they’d all endured together.

He was alone.

He certainly felt alone. Everyone he knew was gone, it had not quite sunken in, being surrounded by the look-alikes. He’d felt…like he almost belonged. But this was not his time, these were not the people he had fought battles with , shared drinks with, they merely looked like them and almost spoke like them, but they were completely different. He had not realized how different they were. They came from two different worlds, times.

“Okita-san? I brought you your medicine and some tea.” Chizuru placed the tray on the table, about to pick up a cup to hand it to him.

Souji pulled her into his arms without warning. She protested slightly, but remained quiet when she heard him murmur, “Please, just for a little while.” He held her tightly, burying his face into her shoulder, breathing in her sweet cherry blossom scent.

Part Twenty

—-+++—–

This chapter has been the one that I poured more time and effort to omg. I hope you all liked it! I’M STILL HAVING FEELS. This was a difficult chapter to write, no lie. ME, BRAIN, WE BETTER BE GETTING SOME FLUFF SOON. Also @sabinasanfanfic‘s OC makes an official appearance!

BTW, the cat named Toshizo, Souji did this in a Drama CD LOL one of my personal favorites.

EDIT: @sabinasanfanfic wrote an AMAZING AND CUTE piece on how Hiji-san ended up with little Toshizo, Read It Here (THANK YOU SENPAI, I LOVE IT SO MUCH, *FANGIRLS*)

#time travel souji au #okita souji #hakuouki #hakuoki #au #fanfic

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jeenaljain · 4 years ago

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6 investment instruments to use for retirement planning

Retirement planning can be a daunting task due to the lack of financial knowledge on investment and insurance products. While planning your retirement corpus, you need to consider market cycles, economic growth, the inflation rate, and more market-related aspects before choosing the right financial product to meet your retirement goals and suffice your lifestyle-related expenditures. There are two phases considered in retirement planning - the accumulation phase wherein the retiree accumulates the wealth needed for his or her needs post-retirement and the distribution phase where the funds are distributed to ensure post-retirement needs are met.

Why invest in a retirement plan

There are a few reasons to focus on saving for retirement as part of your investment planning process-

Increase in life expectancy: Due to the improvement in healthcare facilities, the average life expectancy in the country has increased. Studies indicate that the average human life expectancy in the country is 68.8 years.1 However, you need a significant corpus to cover for the expenditure related to the same with health care costs expected to double with respect to the rate of inflation. Financial products such as Unit-Linked Insurance Plans (ULIPs) shield you against the risks from changes in the inflation rate and ensure a corpus for contingencies.

Provident fund and pension plans: In India, 90 percent of retired employees require financial assistance from their children. The remaining 10 per cent receive pension or aid from the government or former employers, but even this proves inadequate. Hence, it is important that you be prudent and plan your retirement carefully.

Fulfill life goals: You work hard to ensure that your family achieves its life dreams and goals. However, how do you take care of your own retirement needs in the meanwhile? Investing in a retirement planning instrument such as a ULIP can help you accomplish your life goals.

In the case of pre-retirement products, portals such as Finserv Markets provide easy access to competitive and trustable financial plans such as the Bajaj Allianz Life Goal Assure ULIP, that enable you to meet your retirement goals. Here are a few investment instruments that you could consider in your planning process-

1- New Pension Scheme (NPS)- The NPS is a useful retirement planning option and is mandatory for all government employees. Considering its returns and performance in the past four years, the NPS offers an annualised return of approximately 10 per cent. With the NPS, you can also gain exposure to the stock market for maximised returns in the long-term and significant tax benefits due to deductions under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act, 1961. It is compulsory to buy an annuity worth 40 percent of the accumulated corpus at the time of retirement.

2- Employee’s Provident Fund (EPF)- Another popular retirement planning option is the EPF. The rate of return from EPF is approximately 8.5 per cent per annum. The product offers tax benefits with deductions up to Rs. 1 Lakh under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act, 1961, and the interest and withdrawal is tax-free in some instances.

3- Equity- Market-linked investments such as stocks and bonds offer maximised returns on your investments in the short and long-term. However, short-term investments come with a significant amount of risk depending on the market cycle and volatility. You can also invest in a Systematic Investment Plan or SIP for disciplined growth in returns.

4- Exchange traded funds (ETF)- ETFs can be accessed through the Index ETF that tracks the index and the Gold ETF that depends on investments in gold. The key benefit of ETFs is the cost averaging that reduces the risk related to investments in the gold market.

5- Bonds: A bond is a kind of loan taken by a government entity or company. The entity provides you with interest on the sum borrowed. The bond can have a term of 10 to 15 years and offers attractive interest rates.

6- Combination of Debt and Equity: Unit-linked Insurance Plans (ULIPs) offer significant benefits due to their investments in debt instruments and the stock market depending on your risk-taking ability and factors such as age and premium paid. Insurance companies offer a Human Life Value (HLV) calculator to assess the ideal sum assured (at least 10 times the premium). In terms of retirement planning, ULIPs offer considerable flexibility with various portfolio investment strategies and fund switching options. Finserv Markets hosts top-rated ULIP funds such as the Bajaj Allianz Life Goal Assure that provide a low-cost structure and flexibility with eight selected funds. With approximately 2,00,000 crores held in Assets Under Management (AUM) by Bajaj Allianz Life Insurance, you can be assured that your ULIP investment is secure.

Retirement planning offers significant benefits due to the compounding effect, available reserves for unforeseen expenses, and the protection of assets and property in case of contingencies. It is recommended that you speak with a financial expert to learn more about retirement planning options that fit your financial goals. Your insurance provider can help you generate an ‘illustration benefit’ based on your term, sum assured, and age and monitor your retirement goals.

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sanchezashton1992 · 4 years ago

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Trying To Save Relationship Quotes

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Prevent My Divorce The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

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#Does Having A Baby Save Your Marriage Stupefying Unique Ideas #How Can God Stop My Divorce

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