#love to hold hate in my heart

[myokk]

It's a clear, beautiful summer's day, the type of day that starts out bright and full of birdsong, that ends looking up at the stars and the moon while crickets chirp and fireflies show soft bursts of light. When the air is warm and full of life and the smell of hot grass and lavender and honey permeates everything.

The whole summer had been like that, really. Running outside with abandon, chasing each other through the tall grass deliriously happy and lying down in the fields surrounding their village, watching the clouds float by while they eat cucumber sandwiches. It's the summer before their first year at Hogwarts; the Sallow twins know that their life's about to change and are determined to enjoy their last summer of childhood.

Maybe they're too old for this sort of thing - they are eleven, after all, but both of them know that this summer is a turning point for them and they want to cherish every moment for as long as possible. Their parents have been encouraging them, often sending them out for the whole day, piling journals and ink and quills and picnic baskets full of food in their hands, encouraging them to research and be curious about the world around them as they had always done.

This day, however, their parents are almost eager to push the twins out of the house. Their mum's smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. Sebastian feels nervous about this, but doesn't realize why until much later, when the memory is analyzed and remembered during his dreams. (definitely not while awake). When they leave the house in the morning, she makes sure to kiss each of them on the cheeks which she normally never does and Sebastian pushes her away in disgust, much to his future horror. In the moment, all he can think is that he might still be holding on to the last moments of his childhood, but he's too old to be kissed by his mum.

(but now, Sebastian doesn't know if his memory is faulty and he is adding moments that never actually existed in the first place. the mind is a tricky place)

He never allows himself to think about these halcyon days, the perfect-until-it-wasn't summer before they went to Hogwarts; this day in particular is forbidden to remember. His unconscious mind rebels against his iron will.

They spend the morning looking for the fairies that Anne had dreamed about the night before. She's convinced that it's a prophetic dream and they march around in circles in the little copse of trees - a forest to the two children, who haven't really ventured out of their village - as Anne tries to remember where she had seen the fairies in her dream.

Sebastian is happy to follow her even if (maybe especially if) he thinks it's a futile adventure - what else are summer days for?

They're in that strange junction between childhood and adolescence; desperate to just grow up already and become the people they were always meant to be, and yet just wanting to spend their days being kids, without a care in the world.

"Come on, Sebastian," Anne calls to him, a tiny stream gurgling between them. In one hand, she's holding the map that she drew as soon as she woke up; in the other, boots stuffed with her stockings.

Sebastian huffs as he trudges behind her, arms full with their bags, his shoes, and the picnic basket. Anne had offered to help him carry things, but he refused on principle. Their dad is always doing small things like this for the women in his life, and Sebastian wants to be just like him.

Anyways, Anne has her own role as the leader today, and it won't do to have her bogged down.

And he's eleven, more than old enough to carry everything.

He steps through the tiny creek, mud and slush squishing through his toes, and he smiles. There isn't anything he loves more than being outside, except maybe being outside with a good book.

"Keep your eyes peeled for a tree with a knobby trunk, with lots of knots that look like faces," Anne tells him, glancing over her shoulder, then turns her face back to her map and scrunches up her face. "In my dream, the fairies lived nearby."

They spend the rest of the morning continuing their fruitless search, laughing as they walk in circles, then set up their picnic in the field next to their house.

"What do you think Hogwarts will be like?" Anne asks, a dreamy look on her face.

Sebastian doesn't look at her when he answers. He lies back and stares at the clouds. They've already had this conversation hundreds of times since their Hogwarts letters arrived, both of them have their parts memorized. "Amazing. I can't wait to actually be able to use our magic instead of just reading about it."

Anne rolls to her side and props herself up on her elbow, getting a better look at her brother's face. With a smirk, she says, "I think I'll like Transfiguration the best. I can't wait to be able to turn you into a -"

A huge noise interrupts her before she can continue. Sebastian sees the confusion in her face before he truly registers that something has happened. It's like everything's moving in slow motion and all he remembers clearly whenever he dreams of this day are his feelings of confusion and disbelief and the smell of fire.

There's a huge explosion and the air is full of smoke and he and Anne are scrambling up, the picnic blanket tangled up around their bare feet and -

Hand in hand they run in the direction of the huge black smoke that is billowing up. It coats the air - they can't see anything and the smell of burning fills their noses and the smoke fills their lungs and they're coughing coughing coughing -

Sebastian doesn't want his sister anywhere near the blackened husk of their former house but he is also terribly afraid to be alone. They stand in the middle of what used to be their house, blackened half-walls, charred wood that used to be their table, the old couch they read on every night, it's all smoldering, all gone, the thick black smoke making his eyes water and choking and smothering everything in its wake. His mind can't comprehend what he's seeing. Everything is so familiar and yet so wrong.

He doesn't know how long he and Anne stand there, clutching each others' hands like they are a tether to reality. Which, he supposes, they are. They might be there thirty seconds, ten minutes, one hour, an eternity...

Then, neighbors are running to the twins, coughing, covering their faces in the crooks of their elbows as they conjure blankets with their wands and wrap Sebastian and Anne up and drag them out of what is - was - their home.

This part is always hazy. Sebastian can't remember if he cries. Or if he even says anything. He just stands there with Anne, the smoke thick and oppressive as it pours out of their house. Everything is crumbling apart.

(A hand gently caresses his scalp, fingers light and reassuring as they dance through his hair)

Their neighbors try their hardest to salvage what they can. The daguerrotype that their mother had cherished more than anything, taken a few years before, miraculously survives. Sebastian stares at it, the tiny figures moving and laughing and smiling as though everything is perfect. He wants to throw it and break it or maybe rip it up to shreds but he can't bring himself to do anything but stare.

Their father's wand is also shoved into Sebastian's hand, unscathed. It was found just outside of his father's curled fingers, lying pristine on the ground as if mocking the destruction that it caused.

At some point, their Uncle Solomon, who they've only really seen once a year growing up, shows up with a loud crack and tears through the rubble, tears carving wet tracks through the soot on his face. His voice goes rough with desperation and when he walks up to the two orphans, he is almost unrecognizable.

As if in slow motion - maybe an after-effect of the curse that has destroyed their lives is that the air has turned into molasses - Sebastian watches his uncle stagger over to them. He looks much older than Sebastian remembers.

Later, when Sebastian looks at his reflection in the mirror of his new home, the boy staring back at him also looks much older than he remembers.

Before It Felt Like A Sin, Chapter 14

[rogueddie]

I'm gonna need people to stop asking the cast about B*lly because I am convinced that most of them haven't actually watched the show so they just think of Dacre and end up saying something nice. I am sick of it.

Joe Quinn saying Eddie and B*lly would be friends, Joe Keery saying B*lly redeemed himself in season 3; either y'all didn't watch the show or you don't have a single critical thought in your empty heads.

[violentviolet-vv]

2nd post of the day.... 😎😎

Hahhs. can you tell. can youvtell what my latest obsession is. theres more but theyre Ugly. so are these but.they can be tolerable..... (oldest to. Newest i think? idk.you can see the visible art style change)

dont ask how in coping with the latets ii episode (my reactin when watching the episodr btw. theres more but i cant add more than 10 photos💔)

[widebrimmedhatsblog]

I'm going to combine my reply to yours on AO3 with this, but yes, I 100% get it. People can be so rude and unappreciative and I know it's usually not on purpose but it can still be grating. Not very demure, not very mindful 😓

This is a really young fandom (not just in age specifically, but in fandom experience) and I try to remind myself of that all the time. I'm in a place now where I just scroll past in my inbox and barely take in comments like that, but I get how disappointing it can be. We work really hard on these pieces and they genuinely take a lot of our time and energy we could spend doing other things (I haven't read a book in months), so getting responses like that on a labour of love is so grating.

I feel so awkward as a writer who gets it even phrasing "I'd love to see more" in comments. It's very: I want this person to know I loved it so much I want to see more of it, but also: I don't want this person to feel pressured to do it just because I love it, I just want them to know. Even when I commented, I had in the back of my mind how many WIPs you were working on and how stressful that can be holding all of that in your head, but I don't think normal people realise.

It's like you have a million things to do but you've spent all day baking a triple layer cake with filling and frosting and all the toppings and you're exhausted and your feet hurt but you're eagerly watching someone eat the first slice...and they say "nice! have you got any biscuits?" and you're just like???

@justallihere and I always talk about starting a fandom podcast to talk about things like this and educate people and honestly, I think the world needs it. People treat writers like TikTok content creators and that's just not how it works over here.

(Also, I promise we're not girlbossing it, we're bullshitting our way through every minute of every day)

I'm annoyed that this has ruined the excitement of posting a new work for you, you should be able to bask in our shared joy after gifting us something like this. I really loved the work, truly and I can understand the lack of inclination to continue it given the little worldbuilding we've been shown. It certainly doesn't make canon-adjacent fic easy. Love that you don't like Brennan though, or have any desire to write him. He's dodgy as fuck.

As a writer, you can only write what you want to write. If you're not enthusiastic about it or inspired by it, it either won't be written at all, or the magic won't be there. If you can see where it goes but you don't want to write it then you shouldn't.

I'm so grateful for you taking on the prompt in the first place, it was a wonderful gift and the pair of them were everything I could have hoped for—Violet being her prickly self and Xaden still being a self-assured casanova? Delicious. Plus, we love a fic where Violet gets eaten out in the wilderness 😉 Welcome to the club! Should we create a 'cunnilingus in the wilderness' tag for this fandom?

You put so much thought into this whole world and it's absolutely, truly appreciated by those who matter and understand how hard the process is and what a gift it is—thank you, thank you, thank you! 🙏

Amy!!! You are so lovely, thank YOU. I get you 100000% and I didn’t feel pressured by you whatsoever. I definitely agree that people who aren’t writers just don’t get it. I got a comment this morning that was like I’d read 200k more of this, and it’s like, someone has to WRITE 200k more of it then. Two hundred thousand words are not going to fall out of the sky just because you’d like to read them. But I digress!!! There’s been a lot of joy in it too, especially in discussing the backstory with everyone. If you and Alli had a podcast I think I would go a little insane!

I personally am just not huge on writing Brennan when he’s alive because he makes NO SENSE. I feel slightly similar about the Fen & Xaden dynamic. I just prefer to write him being dead for that reason.

Again, I’m so so SO glad you specifically enjoyed the fic!! I thought about you a lot while writing it, so I’m glad that paid off.

Cunnilingus In The Wildnerness Tag!!! Absolutely. I am honored to join the club .

This made me very happy, and definitely helped me feel better about things + my reaction to them. Thank you.

[moe-broey]

GOD I would HATE to be stuck at a family dinner with them 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I would NOT fucking survive, the vibes alone would do 1000 points poison damage to me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Also JUST. JUST.

THE VIBES. ARE RANCID. SHARENA DARLING YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS (ALFPNSE TOO BUT DEAR LORD. Sharena LITERALLY was just told to Don't Speak Unless Spoken To RANCID. RANCID FUCKING FAMILY)

[lilacxquartz]

haha….. d-do i have a type

[skeletondanc3r]

Bro, I wanna talk about the implications of Kirby Mass Attack so bad... I will go down with the take that it's the darkest Kirby game of all time; a MINIMUM of 45 Kirbys end up dead and lore implications (like the cycle of matter/mitosis) make it so much worse! 😭

Imagine, as a child, having to guide/care for infant versions of yourself that can barely defend themselves and at least 45 of them end up dying.

This shit was so bad the ending had Kirby actually do some self reflection. Straight up looking out at the void of space and acknowledging that darkness had to exist IN NARRATIVE TEXT!

Kirby may not be phased by too much at his current age, but oh my god the stuff he's gonna have to reflect on when he's older...

[ganondoodle]

as cool as their design is im really starting to dislike the sonau in general, aside from their stuff suddendly being everywhere and everything being about them and how cool(tm) they are now with the mystery stone turning people into dragons and the similarities between the sonau and the three dragons (naydra, eldra, farodra) its actually not an impossibility that they used to be sonaus as alot of people have been theorizing about ..but ...... idk that would very much ruin their otherwordly yet ethereal mystery to me

i probably sound like some hater whos trying to find something more to dislike about totk all the time but i promise im not!!

the three dragons being some unexplained mystery, beings that are there yet few can see them, timeless, nigh untouchable, they dont act on anything, they dont talk, something about them has always made me look at them in awe; if it turned out they were just yet another cool(tm) sonau guy that ate a stone ... :/

not a fan of that one lads, but dont worry, i will keep my thoughts to myself from now on, i dont want to ruin other peoples fun nor seem like i just hate everything ... the three dragons are just really important to me so i had to say something

[xamaxenta]

Feeling absolutely horrible gut wrenching imposter syndrome in regards to being trans like

The fact i haven’t bothered to do anything about my dysphoria or anxiety about dealing with it means i dont want to transition when i do and idk what to do and its so hard in this country where its very conservativr snd gblsjfbf

Basically trans experience sucking rn i feel like a huge loser and really gross in my own skin

But idk im terrified of having to speak to a fucking doctor about this because i always feel like theyre not gonna believe me.

[kacievvbbbb]

love those fucking idiots! if anything good came out of this chapter it was watching them fuck up the most simplest case as Megumi questions why he even came back because it can't certainly have been for this.

*whispers* it was 🤫

I want them to assign Hakari as their teacher because he's almost graduated, Kusakabe's not touching that with a ten foot pole and people think Higuruma has suffered enough.

And Todo is just a little too excited about the prospect of mentoring his "brother" that nobody wants to see that powder keg explode so Hakari it is.

he of course immediately takes them to a pachinko parlor

[daydream-comet]

One of the things that I really like from grev is just. baby Takao. Like believe me when I say that my parental and elder sibling instincts were activated the moment I saw him onscreen. He's precious. He's not traumatized. He must be protected. He's so cute and tiny and squishy and huggable and babie. We need more baby Takao. The world needs more of baby Takao's cuteness.

[clairedaring]

JUMP PISITPOL as GAP

Why You… Y Me? (2022) dir. Pat Thachai Komolphet

[bumblingbabooshka]

Tuvok & T’Pel at their Koon-ut-la: May peace and bliss follow them forever.

Based on this picture I found:

Love how T’Pau is sitting down for this. Tuvok & T’Pel’s ceremony was presided over by a local but well-respected priestess because not everyone has the sway to get a stateswoman. Also, I count this more as an approximation of engagement than marriage since they’re established to have a whole marriage-or-challenge thing as adults later on. After the ceremony Tuvok and T’Pel were each given a seed and instructed to plant them side by side in the temple’s garden. When they returned to the temple for their marriage proper whatever they’d planted there that day would be in full bloom.  After that they played- uh...I mean...bonded with one another until their parents had to drag them away kicking and screaming. A fact which neither pair of parental units will ever let them quite forget much to their joint embarrassment.

[disenchanted-youth]

Seriously, what's up with that golden light that's protecting Phaya and Tharn? Is it Phaya's powers? Someone in his family tree? I feel like this episode needed to be longer. I usually get tired of shows explaining every little thing. This time I wish this show actually gave me more. It's ending next week! Why are we still having questions about the mythological/supernatural aspect?

That Tharn and Chalothon scene will be stuck in my head all week. Babe kills it in these emotional scenes, this one and the one with Phaya in the cave. Pain. Tharn sounded so broken and hurt.

Honestly I don't blame Tharn. I get why some people do. It was definitely frustrating to watch him constantly defend Chalothon. But Babe honestly saved that part for me with his acting. When Phaya talked about Chalothon being the naga, it was kinda obvious that Tharn really didn't want to believe it. I mean who would? It's crazy to think about. You put all your faith in someone, go to them for advice and support, even your mental health troubles, and then you find out they were the one hurting the people you love. Abusive relationship 101 by Psychiatrist Chalothon. Moments like that make it clear that Tharn is a victim of emotional abuse. Chalothon has his fangs deep in my boy.

Once Chalothon actually showed up, it completely broke him. Babe conveyed that confusion and pain so well. Big shout out to Heng and Babe for nailing that scene, Chalathon's desperation and Tharn's hurt were so real.

Then the doctor had the guts to be like "I'll never hurt you". Mate what do you think you are doing? Making him all giddy while you keep trying to kill the person he's in love with? Threatening to kill everyone he loves? How to keep your man happy - a masterclass by Mr Naga himself. There's crazy, and then there's Chalothon.

[enzombie]

– @microcosmtoxin

YES!! He was originally going to be a one-off character in S4E1, but that scene ended up on the cutting room floor, so his actual debut (S4E5) was technically his return. He was conceived originally as a one episode comedy antagonist which is definitely why he starts as such a zany character, but obviously they kept him around and then that led into his role in S5 which leaned less into the comedy and more into the antagonist. His original character description when they were casting (so super early on in Enzos life as a character) cited Inspector Clouseau and Sasha Baron Cohen so his roots are silly little comedy man through and through.

(To anyone new here: I genuinely seriously wrote my university dissertation about Enzos character development (that wasn't the title but that was the bulk of the dissertation lmao) so I know too much about this subject in particular. Some people have useful knowledge, I have this.)

[doctorweebmd]

a really nice comment on 'nothing else fills' made me actually reread it for like, the first time in its entirety and.

wow. its... actually really good. like. i teared up multiple times and i'm the one that wrote it. why was i so mean to myself about it.