#love my own confidence that I can put more projects on my plate

[hitwiththetmnt]

Shhh I should be sleeping but I’m sneaking in a post inspired by this blerb by @desceros

It’s a x-reader perspective but I’m throwing my oc in there cause that’s how ma brain picture this story

I wanna illustrate the whole story because it is so art, but I have so many wips already. Maybe in the future? (・・?)

[nonbinarybrainstorm]

Request: IDW, Brainstorm/Getaway, simultaneous penetration (idk if there's an accurate descriptor, imagine them fucking/being fucked each other at same time). I really enjoy the idea of Storm (a self-proported egomaniac) and Getaway (often puts a facade of sucking up as a means)

Additional content: Rough sex, (kinda) quid pro quo

Brainstorm sighs as he finally opens the door to meet Getaway who’d been pestering him from behind the thick (but clearly not thick enough if Getaway’s voice could still make it through) metal, glaring at the sly mech. Getaway doesn’t wait a moment before pushing in past Brainstorm while rambling off but Brainstorm had stopped listening a while ago.

Grabbing Getaway by the shoulder, Brainstorm turns him around, “I told you to lay off already! I have too many projects as it is, I don’t need to take on whatever inane idea you have.”

Undeterred, Getaway presses into his space, “Aw, c’mon… It’s just a little pistol. You love making those!”

Brainstorm scoffs and pushes him back before going to his workbench, determined to ignore Getaway but now that menace is actually in his lab, and knowing that is like an itch on the back of Brainstorm’s helm… There’s a long beat of silence before Brainstorm feels a light tickle on one of his mounted guns and he whips around to grab Getaway’s wrist only to be crowded against his workbench.

“What’s all of this for anyway?” Getaway’s tone dips into something smooth, confident even, “You’ve been on strangely good behavior lately… why is that? It’s not because of Perceptor, is it?”

Brainstorm stiffens and tries to push Getaway back only for the speedster to grab his hips, thumbs gliding over his plating.

“There’s no use in trying to impress the guy, Stormy, he’s just his own kind of mad genius stuck in his own little world,” Getaway insists as he tucks his pointer digits into the seams of Brainstorm’s panty plates, teasing the delicate wiring there, “You should focus on someone who already appreciates your talents…”

It’s pointless to resist the sensation, Brainstorm shivers at the charge crackling from Getaway’s hands, all the way up his spinal strut.

“You make it sound like your idea is actually worth my time,” Brainstorm scoffs but his cocky attitude is severely diminished by the soft hum of his fans.

“But Stormy…” Getaway’s hand travels around Brainstorm’s hip and trails down lightly to cup his codpiece, earning a soft grunt, “You know I’m good for it.”

“I told you not to call me that,” Brainstorm grits out as Getaway starts rubbing over his panel, sending little sparks of charge through it. He stumbles back a bit, propping himself up on his workbench while Getaway rubs his panels.

Getaway follows after him eagerly and Brainstorm groans at the soft hiss of Getaway releasing and pressurizing his spike, “Ugh, how do I keep letting myself get here?”

“You know I can give you what you want, what you need,” Getaway purrs, finding the manual release on Brainstorm’s panels and dipping a digit into Brainstorm’s warm valve to coax it into producing lubricant.

Brainstorm sucks in more air through his vents and spreads his legs, letting Getaway finger his pale valve, the thin strips of biolights flaring as lubricant begins to trail down Getaway’s fingers. Getaway slips his digits out of Brainstorm’s valve and slides his slick fingers up Brainstorm’s spike before curling his hand around it to squeeze firmly, forcing a groan out of Brainstorm.

“Just make up your mind already!” Brainstorm snaps only to be cut off by a moan as Getaway starts pumping his fist over Brainstorm’s spike.

“Actually, I was thinking of trying something. You like innovation, so, you’re gonna love this,” Getaway taunts as he shifts his legs, hooking one over Brainstorm’s hips.

There’s a distinct creak of metal as Brainstorm grips the edge of the workbench at the feeling of Getaway pushing his valve onto Brainstorm’s spike, the tight little space already feeling so wet and hot.

“Hah, n-now the tricky part…” Getaway swallows down his moans and moves back slightly to grab his own spike, basking under Brainstorm’s rapt attention as he watches Getaway move his spike down to rub against the folds of Brainstorm’s valve. It takes some maneuvering and more than a little cursing until Getaway’s spike is rubbing against Brainstorm’s spikes now both firmly pushing into each other’s valves.

“Ah… this is definitely one of your more creative ideas,” Brainstorm pants out only to grab at Getaway as he starts to finally move.

The movements of their hips are awkward and jittery at first, unused to the position until they’re just pushing and grinding against each other, their spikes no longer rubbing roughly together now sliding with the aid of the lubricant building between their valves. As they grind against each other, their anterior nodes bump and flare as the touch completes the circuit, making the charge bloom between them. It’s a mess of heat and charged lubricant that has Brainstorm feeling like he’s losing his mind, finding it hard to tell where he begins and Getaway ends. He feels so full as Getaway’s spike pulses in his valve, the shallow ridge just under the head of his spike catching and connecting with the strips of nodes along Brainstorm’s soft walls as he feels his own spike practically milked by Getaway’s valve that spasms and squeezes around his spike.

Brainstorm hefts Getaway up and flips them around to pin Getaway down, hiking his leg up higher to get closer, deeper as he curls his own leg up over Getaway’s other leg to plant a knee on the bench, now properly fragging Getaway. Lubricant drips onto the pristine surface as Brainstorm uses Getaway’s spike and valve, their valves kissing every time Brainstorm thrusts against Getaway who can do nothing now locked in Brainstorm’s hold and wracked with the charge building between them. Getaway grabs at Brainstorm’s back, trying to find a purchase on anything as his legs twitch uselessly against Brainstorm and he tucks his head against Brainstorm’s shoulder, his processor feeling fully fried. His back hits the bench as Brainstorm slams him down, pushing as deep as he can into Getaway while taking his spike in equal measure and Getaway feels heat bloom inside his valve as a sudden wave of charge overwhelms him, dragging him into overload by force.

Getaway’s digits scratch up Brainstorm’s paint as he cries out, shaking as he spills his own load into Brainstorm as more and more of Brainstorm’s transfluid fills his hungry valve until he’s weak and fully spent. Transfluid and lubricant run down his thighs as Brainstorm pulls away, leaving him feeling far too cold as the frigid air of the lab brushes against Getaway’s exposed spike and valve now a mess of fluids, his spike still twitching in the air. Brainstorm picks up a cloth and starts cleaning himself of their mixed lubricant and transfluid, unbothered by the mech he’s left mewling on his workbench.

“Fine, I’ll work on your stupid pistol while you clean that up,” Brainstorm flicks his chin and Getaway follows the motion to look at the small puddle that formed along with the small patch on the edge of the workbench that’s dripping down.

“Heh, sure, no problem,” Getaway catches the other cloth Brainstorm picks up and tosses at him, waiting until Brainstorm is engrossed in his work to stand on incredibly jittery legs, hissing, “Damn…”

[sunnyrealist]

🌶️ Chapter 59: Celebrations & Scares 🌶️

The Sun, the Moon, and All Our Stars

Summary and Details…

Previous Chapter Recap/Context: It's Monday evening, and Sebastian and Kate were just talking over dinner about Sebastian's work. Kate was able to tell him a little bit about her meeting with Matilda Weasley, but she sidelined most of that to show him that there was a response from Ruby. Sebastian was beyond excited, opting to read the letter immediately. Ruby wrote that she was thrilled to hear from him and glad to hear he was safe and well. The letter was short because she said she would prefer to catch up face-to-face and suggested the Three Broomsticks on Friday evening. Ruby mentioned that she travels often for work with her wife, Poppy (formerly Sweeting). She said she will probably bring Poppy along and that Sebastian should include Kate. This chapter takes place immediately after Sebastian reads Ruby's letter.

Pairing: 25-year-old, post-Azkaban Sebastian Sallow x 24-year-old Kate Mayflower (my OC), the assistant librarian at Hogwarts

Content warnings: In general, this is rated 18+, so minors should not read or interact with this story. This chapter features some foreplay and a serious discussion about an accidental pregnancy.

The full chapter is available below the cut; it can also be found on AO3 (link is posted below). Please leave some feedback if possible, especially if you like what you read! 🥰

Chapter 59: Celebrations and Scares

Sebastian rushes into the kitchen, and Kate whirls around to try to take in his emotions. He grins widely, taking her into his arms, and holds her tightly.

“Good letter, I take it?” she asks, and then she feels his body shake. Kate pulls back to confirm her thoughts - he’s crying. “Seb?”

He is still smiling and wipes his eyes. “It’s good. It’s excellent. Better than I could have ever hoped.” Kate kisses his cheek, and then he hugs her again, picking her up and twirling her around as she giggles. “Thank you,” he tells her.

“What for?”

“For pushing me to write,” Sebastian answers, finally putting her back down. He gazes into her sparkling blue eyes, the color of a bright summer sky. “For pushing me in general. For giving me confidence and courage I thought was lost forever.”

Kate’s smile is warm. “I… just… want what is best for you.” She squeezes his hand. “I want you to be happy, Seb. Seeing you right now… Merlin, it makes me happy. I love you.”

“I love you, sunshine,” he whispers, then leans down, taking her face in his hands. He presses his lips to hers gently, lingering, and he is unable to stop grinning into the kiss.

“Well, this calls for celebratory dessert,” she murmurs, gesturing to the table, where she has placed small, clean plates and forks. “I made a chocolate tart with freshly whipped sweet cream.”

Sebastian takes one look at it all and kisses her again. “Merlin, do I love you.”

While he gets settled, Kate slices the tart, generously scoops the whipped cream, and places a portion on each plate. Finally, she takes a seat, and Sebastian hands her the letter. 

By the time she’s finished reading it, as short as it is, Sebastian’s tart is gone. She tries to stifle a laugh but fails.

“It sounds so positive,” Kate says, giving the parchment back. “Sounds like you’ll have some answers soon.” She thinks for a moment. “Poppy Sweeting… I think I remember her, too. Was she the student obsessed with beasts? Do you know?”

He nods. “Yes - that was definitely Poppy. She was always kind of a loner, but I guess… I guess Ruby must have gotten… erm, cozy with her. They did have some wild adventures together my fifth year. I remember Ruby mentioning a dragon and its egg at one point…” 

“A dragon?” Kate sounds incredulous. “Come on.”

Sebastian pushes his plate over, clinking it to hers. She grins and slices another piece of the tart, adding more sweet cream on the side. He kisses her hand in thanks. “I’m not joking. I mean, Ruby… was incredible. Is incredible. One of the most unique people I have ever met. She has abilities far beyond the average witch or wizard.”

“What kind of abilities?” she asks before tasting and savoring the rich taste of the chocolate dessert, swooning at its rich flavor.

“What? Don’t you know?” he retorts, as if he doesn’t believe her.

She gives him a strange look. “I… don’t understand.”

“You don’t know who Ruby is?” He huffs out a laugh.

Her brow furrows further. “Should I?”

“I thought everyone at Hogwarts knew who Ruby McKinnon was,” Sebastian muses. “I mean… haven’t you ever heard of-”

“Wait. McKinnon?” Kate gasps, then barks out a laugh. “Oh my gods, I never connected it. Ruby McKinnon… the Hero of Hogwarts?!” 

“One and the same,” Sebastian replies with an amused expression, chuckling. “We were very close friends during my fifth year.”

“Wow, that… actually makes a lot of sense, now that I look back at the stories you’ve told me about that year.” Kate laughs again. “You know, she would hang around outside the Hufflepuff common room all the time. Maybe she was waiting for Poppy!” She takes a small bite of the tart. “I thought McKinnon was dating Imelda Reyes at one point, though…” Something between a cough and a laugh escapes Sebastian, and Kate looks at him curiously. “What?”

He shakes his head, chuckling to himself. “She was.” 

“What’s so funny about it?”

Sebastian closes his eyes, furrowing his brow with a grimace. “It’s… not. It’s embarrassing.”

“Oh, well, now you have to tell me.” Her eyes plead with him.

“Fine. I can’t say no to you.” He sighs, shaking his head and putting down his fork. “I… spent a great deal of time with Ruby my fifth year, and… uh… I developed a huge crush on her. I even brought her around to Feldcroft more than once, which was probably a mistake.” He appears as though he is in pain, cringing. “I had been slowly hinting… trying to hint… that I fancied her, but it seemed like she never quite… caught on. Just after Christmas break, I had finally made up my mind that I was going to confess my feelings, even though Ominis had warned me not to, that it was foolish when there had been no indication she felt the same way. He was worried it would ruin our friendship. There was a night I was unable to sleep, tossing and turning, trying to think of the perfect words, the perfect way to tell her. And I just gave up and wandered downstairs, out of my dorm, to the common room with a book. It must have been around 2 in the morning - maybe later. As I was about to walk down the stairs, I noticed movement over by the fireplace, right where I had planned to read, and when I looked closer, I saw… snogging.”

Kate erupts into laughter, then tries to contain herself for his sake. “Oh no…”

“It was Ruby and Imelda,” he continues. “I couldn’t believe it. I tiptoed back to my dorm room, shut the bed curtains, and… I’ll admit it - I cried.” 

“Oh, Seb…” Kate murmurs. “You poor thing.”

“Yes… and no. It was so lucky I never said anything. I only had to be embarrassed in front of Ominis, who gloated that he had been right.” Sebastian pauses, shrugging. “After that, things with the goblins… and Anne and Solomon… and the ancient relic escalated quickly… I was distracted from my misery with… other miseries.” 

Kate pokes at her tart, trying to think of a way to change the topic to something less upsetting. “I was rejected once, too.”

Sebastian’s eyes flick up, and his eyebrows rise. “Really? Someone rejected you?”

She shakes her head, rolling her eyes. “Yes. It was terrible.” 

“What year?”

A laugh sounds out. “Not at Hogwarts. I was… eight.”

“Oh,” he replies, snickering. “That doesn’t count!”

“Yes it does!” she argues, then crosses her arms in a huff.

“Okay, sorry. Tell me the story.”

Kate looks up, as though she is thinking hard. “I fancied a boy that lived near my family in Epping Forest. You know how I told you I used to run around in the woods all the time as a child? Well, Darien Dean was one of my playmates.” She pauses. “I sent him a love letter. He didn’t respond, and then he didn’t ask me to play anymore. One day, I was outside the manor, on the road, when I ran into him. He was with another boy. I approached them, and Darien said I could come with them.”

Sebastian nods along.

“I thought we were having fun - I really did. We came across a small creek, and there was a piece of driftwood we used to cross it. We played in this new part of the forest, but then, when we decided to return home, Darien and his friend crossed the creek, and then kicked the driftwood until the current took it. They laughed at me, stuck on the other side, and ran away. I had to wade across the creek, and when I returned home, I was wet, filthy, and… quite angry. I didn’t talk to him ever again.” She looks annoyed as Sebastian seems about to burst into a fit of giggles. “About a year later, Darien’s family moved away, and I believe he went to Durmstrang.” 

He can’t contain it and finally cackles. “I can only imagine it - mud all over your pretty shoes and frilly dress… you stomping around, seeing red...” 

“It wasn’t funny at the time! I was quite upset. I felt betrayed!” she exclaims, then quiets, looking dismayed. “And yes, my… white dress and shoes were full of muck.”

“Sure, sure... Yes, I can see how that would feel,” he replies, trying to tamper down his laughter. 

“You know now that I look back, that’s actually when I started reading a lot more,” Kate notes. “I didn’t want to run into Darien again, so I started raiding our family’s library and would read in my papa’s gardens every day. Of course, I did eventually play in the woods again, but… that took some time. I became quite the little bookworm. My mama supported it wholeheartedly and started purchasing more books. She started with stories meant for children, but I quickly outgrew them and was reading adult literature by the time I was ten.”

“You sound like me,” Sebastian muses. “I always had my nose in a book. I was a voracious reader - still am, as you know.” He digs back into the dessert, taking a large bite. “We had a lot of informational texts at home - not as much fiction. I would have loved visiting your family’s library for a change of pace.”

“Speaking of visiting a library…” She takes on a curious expression, and he can’t quite decipher it. A lopsided smile tugs on her lips, and her eyes flash with something like excitement. “I have more to tell you about my meeting with Professor Weasley.” 

“Oh! Yes, sorry - we got sidetracked.” Finished with his second helping of the chocolate tart, he scrapes the plate. 

“It turns out the student assistants were rather sloppy with their work at the end of the year, and a great deal needs to be reorganized in the library. And my thoughts were correct about the new collection to be catalogued - it’s a variety of Dark Magical artifacts. So dangerous that students would need a library chaperone to just look at them - students are forbidden from touching them. They’re going to be kept in a very secure area of the Restricted Section,” she explains. “I was bemoaning how long this is going to take, and Professor Weasley hinted that this work would help the school administration to view me as eager to take on a… well, in her words, a ‘more weighty title.’”

 “Meaning… Head Librarian?” Sebastian asks with an excited grin.

Kate nods. “I assume that is what she meant. Perhaps Agnes is getting more serious about retirement. Seb, it would mean the world to me - I want it so, so badly.”

“I know,” he murmurs, taking her hand. “And you’re going to get it. I have no doubt.” He kisses it. “You deserve it.”

She flushes but continues on. “So… I had an idea I ran by Professor Weasley. A way to make the work go much faster. I asked if I could bring in extra help…” She pauses, her eyes flicking up to his. Her smile widens. “I told her that I could probably finish the entire work over a weekend, rather than an entire week… if I had a… special friend working alongside me… A special friend with expertise and a keen interest in Dark Magic…”

Recognition shows on his face, but he tempers his expectations, as though he doesn’t quite believe it yet.

“So, Sebastian, how would you like to spend a summer weekend at Hogwarts, with just us in the castle?” It’s clear she can barely contain her excitement.

“They would really allow that?” he asks carefully, not wanting to get his hopes up. 

“Professor Weasley already agreed.” Kate takes both of his hands in hers. “I assured her that we would work very hard…” She gives him a mischievous grin. “I… uh… didn’t tell her what else I was thinking we might do there, though…” 

Sebastian laughs heartily, understanding what she means immediately. “You’re a cheeky little thing…” He sweeps her up and places her in his lap. She wiggles her bottom a bit more than necessary as she gets settled. 

“I might be,” she whispers in his ear. “But I think you rather like it…” She kisses his cheek, then looks into his eyes. “Are you pleased? You do want to join me, right?”

“I want to be wherever you are at all times, Kate,” he murmurs lowly. “But I want to be there with you more than anything. I can think of a lot of things we might do with our… uh, evenings off.”

He lowers his head, nudging her nose with his, and then he closes the distance, his lips pressing against hers. It starts off gentle, but it quickly becomes urgent. His hands roam all over her back as they make out. She wraps her arms around his neck for balance as he untucks her white blouse from her skirt. His tongue insistently explores every centimeter of her mouth, and his hands dip under her top, sliding up her bare skin. Moaning, she squirms a bit, grinding against his growing length. 

“That’s enough for the kitchen,” he groans. “We’re heading to the bedroom now.”

Sebastian easily picks Kate up, attaching his mouth to hers again. His hand squeezes her bottom as he walks them down the hall. He kicks open the door with his foot. Prowling towards the bed, he lets her down on her own two feet. His hands immediately fly to the buttons of her blouse, unfastening them as quickly as he can. He finishes, peeling the shirt off of her arms, and is faced with a very tight, slightly off-white floral corset. Her breasts are heaving, desperate to be freed from the contraption.

“I am going to fuck you senseless at Hogwarts,” he growls. “You can’t even imagine what is going through my head right now - all the things I want to do, everywhere I want to do them…”

Kate sighs as he begins unlacing the corset, her entire body unbearably hot. “I’ve been fantasizing about it all day… I probably can imagine…” 

“You had better be on the contraceptive potion when we go,” he tells her in a rough voice, his hands pressing under her breasts to pop them out of the restrictive garment while he unlaces the rest. 

His lips find a rosy peak, closing around it and sucking firmly, his fingers busy. 

She whines, panting. “Bash… Gods…” 

Sebastian releases her nipple with a pop. “Otherwise you’ll find yourself pregnant before the weekend is over…” he rasps.

He says the word so casually that it doesn’t even register in his brain for a moment, but then something clicks.

“Kate.” He suddenly stops, putting his hands on her face and forcing her to look at him. “Wait. Wait. We can’t do this - you have… your monthly courses…”

 The two of them just stare at each other. It feels as though all of the air has been sucked out of the room.

Kate shakes her head. “Seb…”

His eyes grow wide and panicked. 

“I… haven’t bled,” she whispers with a frown.

“What do you mean, you haven’t bled?!” he whispers anxiously. Pregnant?

She doesn’t know how to answer that. “I… I’m late.”

 “Shit. Oh, shit.” His hands go to his head, pulling at his hair. “Oh, gods… Is that normal?”

Kate grimaces. “No… but… it can happen…”

Sebastian’s mind flashes back to the past week. They had just made love that very morning and the night before… and many, many times on prior days… 

“Haven’t you been taking the male contraceptive potion?!” she asks urgently, now beginning to feel genuine concern because of his reaction.

“Yes…” He considers it, remembering himself swallowing the bitter liquid many times. He works backwards, thinking hard about each day of the past week. Then, his mind centers on a day he can’t recall - the day he and Kate found themselves in the cave, surrounded by Dementors… he had fallen unconscious. And when he woke up… he was disoriented, so confused…

I didn’t take it that day. I didn’t take it…

Kate studies his face, and he tries to remain neutral for her sake. We don’t know she’s pregnant. She might not be. But she might. Oh, fuck… But why worry her for no reason? 

“Sebastian,” she whispers quietly. “The potion you take… is there… a limit to its effectiveness? We’ve… We’ve had a lot of sex…”

“I know,” he curtly replies. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Kate is taken aback. “Bash… what if I-”

“Don’t say it,” he cuts her off. “Don’t make it real.”

Her eyes fill with tears. “But, Seb… If I am, we have to talk…”

“Fuck,” he curses sharply, standing up and pacing.

“I… I am not ready,” she murmurs, her lip trembling. “I’m not ready, Seb… We’re not ready… What are we going to do?”

His mind is reeling. 

“I mean… we don’t know, not for sure…” she says, trying to soothe herself. “Maybe we just wait… I might still bleed… But I suppose we need to think. We need to think clearly about how we might handle this.” She pauses, exhaling deeply. “I… I’ve always wanted children, but…”

“I know,” he whispers, trying to calm himself so he can reassure her. “I know, love.” He crouches down in front of her, taking her hands and speaking in a serious tone. “You’re right. We don’t know anything for sure. But I can assure you… if, somehow, the potion failed, and you’re… pregnant…” The word is painful and causes him to cringe. “...I will take care of you and our baby. I promise you.” He kisses her hands. “We’ll get married, fast. And we’ll deal with your parents. But I need you to understand that I would never abandon my duty to you and our child. I am here for you, no matter what. I would do everything in my power to make sure our baby is loved and taken care of, wanting for nothing. And we would be great parents, even if we were taken by surprise. You know that, right?”

Kate sniffles but nods slowly, looking down at the floor. “I know.”

“Look, you’ve done nothing wrong.” He gently strokes her long hair. “And this might turn out to be nothing.” He tilts her chin up. “Let’s say it all works out, and you are just… running a bit late. How soon can you get on the potion?”

“As soon as my courses end,” she replies quietly. “Women only have to take the potion once - not daily - and it’s effective for a full month until their courses end once more. Then, another dose is needed.”

“I think I’ll still take mine,” Sebastian adds. “Just to be safe. Since we are rather… enthusiastic.” He smiles a little, and she does, too, her eyes still watery. “Whatever happens, we’ll face it together, alright? I love you, and you love me. We can weather any storm. It will be fine.”

Kate nods, leaning forward to kiss him. “You’re right. We can.” She touches her nose to his, her breath warm on his lips. She whispers, “Worrying won’t change anything, so let’s… just try not to think too much about it and… reassess in a day or two.”

Sebastian tastes salt as he softly kisses her, trying to mask how anxious he is.

I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up.

[brybryby]

I completely agree that Miles Upshore is queer, and Waylon is on the spectrum as well! If you have your friends analysis still plzzzzz link! I crave the content!!!

HI HI THANK YOU FOR THE ASK! 💜

I wish I had his analysis still!!! aarrrrgh it's been so long ;-; But I can try to relay some of the points he made (and add some of my own)!

This gets pretty lengthy so be prepared :')

I also added external links but they’re only there if you want to read more about the point I’m making! Feel free to skip them!

also // TW for mentions of SA

Miles

Story-wise, my friend found it interesting that Miles was the perfect host for the Walrider. Wernicke and Alan Turing were friends/lovers who worked on the technology that culminated into Project Walrider, so there's already a sense that the Walrider was founded on Wernicke and Turing's love for each other.

So, before I move on, I'll talk a bit about Alan Turing. In college, I had professors praise him for being the “Founder of Modern Computing”, cracking Nazi code, and also for being an advocate for gay rights.

More details here:

Out of every prominent scientist during the Cold War Era, Alan Turing was selected to play a role in Outlast's stories. And he didn't just happen to be openly gay—JT Petty purposefully made this significant to Wernicke's character. Not to mention, Wernicke made allusions to Frankenstein, allowing us to inspect the parallels between Wernicke & the Walrider with Frankenstein & Frankenstein's monster. When it comes to gothic & queer literature, Frankenstein is on the forefront of it, and I'm confident that JT Petty would be familiar with that (since he's a writer who's well-versed in horror/gothic art).

With Frankenstein, there's this idea to create life without heterosexual means (under the impression of cis-heteronormativity). Frankenstein's monster was also a sexualized creature—supposedly a representation of the “ideal man”—described as “beautiful”. Additionally, the novel was a critique of patriarchal norms through elements of sexualities. These aren't too different from Wernicke & the Walrider. The Walrider is arguably created through homosexual means in its abstract (Wernicke & Turing). This particular version of the Walrider that possesses Billy & Miles is stated to be the “masterpiece” by Simon Peacock—its appearance is also fairly sexual. And similarly, Outlast critiques patriarchal norms through its grotesque visuals of “masculinity”.

Frankenstein queer analysis:

Frankenstein sexual suppression analysis:

With all these story elements, there's certainly a queerness about the Walrider AND Outlast, which the devs openly embrace.

There's also many parallels between Frankenstein's monster and Miles. In the United States (and westernized countries in general), there are societal standards that function around cis-heteronormativity. Think of the traditional American nuclear family: A husband/father who's the breadwinner and patriarch, a loving wife/mother who cooks and stays at home to take care of the kids—they're mostly white, Christian, and American citizens. [WARNING: TRIALS SPOILERS AHEAD] The ideal American man is further illustrated in Officer Coyle's dialogue: “If only they were upstanding citizens like myself. Pay your taxes, do your job, fuck your wife, put a little something in the plate at service. America don't ask much.” Miles is arguably the antithesis of this, which is likely the reason he doesn't have any close friends/family—he was likely rejected by society. Frankenstein's monster follows a similar arc: he is also rejected by society and seeks refuge in seclusion. (The concept of “rejection by society” is inherent in queerness.)

With these parallels, it makes sense for Miles to be the ideal host for the Walrider. Additionally, Miles embodies queerness that isn't strictly homosexual—I mean his whole background/lifestyle is already, by definition, “queer”—but questions regarding his sexuality arise when inspecting other details of his character.

My friend pointed out the whole “Manhandler Hairspray for the Active Man” detail in Miles' apartment. There are a lot of homosexual undertones in the label, and it's hard not to think otherwise. “Manhandler” and “Active” are terms which indicate the “top” role in gay culture. I mean, it's possible that Miles is just embodying the “metrosexual” identity (basically straight men who embody characteristics associated with homosexuality) but metrosexuality is rooted in consumerism, which doesn't exactly align with Miles' character since he is openly critical of capitalism. I think the hairspray hints at queerness (or at least gender non-conformity).

Article on “metrosexuality”:

https://www.nytimes.com/2003/06/22/style/metrosexuals-come-out.html

The most revolutionary detail that my friend pointed out was the fact that Miles went out of his way to roast the ever-living shit out of everyone he came across at Mount Massive, begging the question: why is he so fixated on the appearances of other men? This could stem from his own insecurities of being rejected by society or insecurities of his own vanity (considering the hairspray he uses and the fact that he goes jogging…and if he's just trying to be healthy through exercise then he needs to explain his self-destructive alcoholism…idk…jogging for mental health? It’s open to interpretation…WAIT I mean he could just be keep up his physical fitness also with all the investigating he has to do anyways fjshshkdhd). It was just interesting that Miles was so fixated on physical appearances that it makes me wonder if he'd make similar comments about women—I don't believe he would and I'll explain below.

I know that we need to take Red Barrels' tweets with a grain of salt—they're known for deleting tweets that detail misinformation about the protagonists—but I find this tweet particularly interesting. I may be looking too much into it, especially since it's just a tweet and not presented in the games/comics, but it certainly is reflective of Red Barrels' values of respecting women and not viewing women as sexual objects, along with the notion of dismantling cis-heteropatriarchy/chivalry. It certainly doesn't mean he's not straight, but he doesn't particularly view women as sexual objects either (and I know that straight men are capable of not viewing women as sexual objects). Food for thought.

Some extra stuff:

Anti-conservatism and punk ideology (which Miles explicitly embodies) are pillars of queer culture in the political sphere.

The Germanic folklore, which the Walrider is based off of, exhibits notions of sexuality (though, probably not in the best light).

[TRIALS SPOILER] Wernicke’s dream therapy is associated with Dr. Easterman’s queerness—Easterman would be distracted by Wernicke’s handsomeness (and they both explicitly critique heterosexual relationships). Again, this supports the Walrider’s themes of sexuality.

Waylon

As for WAYLON, even though there isn't concrete evidence in the games to intentionally indicate queerness, that isn't to say he is entirely heterosexual (because assuming he's heterosexual is yet another product of the “ideal American man” image in a cis-heteronormative society, and Outlast's narratives are about dismantling this notion). In fact, now that you bring it up, I agree that Waylon can be considered on the queer spectrum/under the queer umbrella.

Regarding the “dismantling the ideal American man in a cis-heteronormative society” concept…the devs, artists, writer(s), actors, and contributors to the games' development are not only open/accepting of things outside of society's norms/expectations, but many are social activists. Chimwemwe Miller (VA for Chris Walker) is outspoken about being Black, Black history, and racism—he also narrated an audiobook which discussed racism, colonialism, & imperialism. Erika Rosenbaum (VA for Lynn Langermann) organized provisions for refugees and is active in environmental causes and feminism—she also spoke out during the #MeToo movement. Shawn Baichoo (VA for Miles, Waylon, & Blake) is also vocal about feminism/racism and was a huge advocate for his character Wrench's bisexuality from Watch Dogs 2, which became confirmed in a later installment of the Watch Dogs franchise.

I bring this up because Red Barrels actually entertains the idea of Waylon x Eddie (in the hypothetical that Eddie wasn't an antagonist like he was in the game…so like, erasing his problematic features baha…this deserves an analysis of its own) without mentioning sexuality or anything like that. Obviously, this can be seen as a way to entertain the fanbase, but I think it's worth mentioning that Waylon isn't opposed to homosexuality. After all, Waylon never makes homophobic remarks in his notes nor comments on male sexuality—he's just fearful of being assaulted (as anyone would be, regardless of gender/sexuality). He would, in fact, engage in a homosexual relationship according to this hypothetical.

(Note: the term “insane” is a harmful descriptor in this context, which is why I wrote “wasn’t an antagonist like he was in the game”)

So yea! I definitely think there's queerness with Waylon's character. And I don't exactly mean this to be “representation” because there's a lot of responsibility that comes with that, but ultimately I think it adds to what the franchise and the devs are trying to do—normalize queerness and dismantle the notion of the “ideal American man in a cis-heteronormative society” (and if you've studied socioeconomics/social theory, you know that this notion is a product of capitalism, which is another important theme in the franchise).

Here are some resources about the intersectionalities of cis-heteropatriarchy, capitalism, & queerness if you'd like to read more about it :)

(this one below is quite lengthy, but goes VERY DEEP)

All in all, my interpretation is that the franchise operates on the idea that “queerness” is normal or innate, but social structures are what label it otherwise. I've seen a lot of discussion surrounding Outlast characters' queerness, and it's interesting to me that the antagonists' sexualities get more attention amongst casual players than the protagonists' sexualities (and I think I can understand why, it's just a lot to unpack).

Just as many of the antagonists can be read as queer, the protagonists should arguably be read through the same lens. I truly do think Miles and Waylon (and even Lynn and Blake!) deserve to be inspected under queer lens. Doing so aligns with the franchise's philosophy/narratives. Also the idea of “queer characters taking down capitalism” is super empowering (and actually very identifiable hehe).

(Sorry, I think I projected a lot of my own personal values and biases into this post LOL hhhjdsfh feel free to critique anything I've written!)

This is my first time inspecting Waylon through a queer lens, so thank you for the ask!! I had a lot of fun writing this up :D

[radiation]

How is RPGmaker compared to Unity? Would you recommend it?

I think its difficult to compare RPGMaker to a lot of other game engines. Unity is pretty open ended in what you can make but you gotta know programming, whereas RPGMaker is kinda hard coded to make a very specific type of game very easily and without programming knowledge — the game in question being extremely generic retro JRPGs. If you wanna make something that extends beyond that you are gonna have to mess around a lot with plugins which alter and augment the preexisting structure the engine has in place.

The crazy thing is, RPGMaker (at least MV) is lacking MANY features that it by all means should have. My game doesn’t have a lot of mechanics and was designed around scope in a lot of ways, yet I am legitimately using 70 or so plugins that other people made to make it feel good. Some of those plugins’ functions include -Adding name plates over the characters’ text boxes -Making it so sprites don’t flash in and out when switching -Allowing for ANY kind of complexity in character animations -Giving you any sort of camera control -Hiding combat related UI in the menus. All of this being shit the engine SHOULD support by all means but for whatever reason it just doesn’t

I think if you’re someone who knows a lot about programming, the engine is probably gonna feel kinda bad and itd probably just be easier and less frustrating to build a lot of functionality from the ground up in an engine like Unity, GameMaker, or Godot. If you lack some experience and feel pretty confident that your game can reasonably fit within what the engine is capable of then RPGMaker is probably a good choice. And personally despite the lack of features being frustrating at times, I find myself having a lot of fun with the goofy wraparound method of problem solving you have to use and have found myself making some really cool creative decisions by working within the engine’s limits

It definitely helps a lot to know programming fundamentals either way (I’m not great but I have some experience with Java and C# and I feel like it’s been very helpful with managing project structure) so that’s something I’d recommend looking into either way if you’re not too acquainted

And I’ve mentioned it but again. Since RPGMaker is so limited you definitely DEFINITELY want to plan your project very heavily around scope especially if you don’t have much confidence that you can really delve into JavaScript programming. For example I wouldn’t recommend planning for complex UI - you will fuckin hate yourself for that. And if you’re adding combat you’re gonna wanna be super realistic about it. What I did to plan around scope was play ~10 different RPGMaker games sorta like what I wanted like to be before I started getting too many concrete ideas about what my game would look like so I could get a pretty solid idea of what was doable and mold my plans around that

Also I wanna point out - most tedious, large scope thing about my game is by far the character animations. Once I figured out just how itd work it wasn’t too bad but is still a bit annoying - but know I worked in a very very wraparound way that is way way way more involved than most — or hell, ANY RPGMaker games I’ve seen. It’s doable, can be really worth it if you’re willing to put in the time and effort, and is something I’d be happy to explain if anyone was interested. BUT i feel the need to make it clear that complex animation is very much not at all a baseline functionality of the engine since it might be easy to assume otherwise with how much it’s used in my own game

Apologies if that was long but I love talking about this stuff, and if anyone is interested I am always happy to talk about and answer any questions about my process especially with RPGMaker in mind :D

[coffyao]

can't wait no more

link to my ao3:

Summary:

this story is purely inspired by this amazing fanwork by babykiwi :) https://www.reddit.com/r/KillingStalking/comments/1dgn65i/yang_seungbae_x_oc/ and the title was directly inspired by jhene aiko - wait no more. listen to it when you get the chance, I'm a huge, huge jhene aiko fan! anyways, I just couldn't appreciate this fan-piece with my eyes only, I had to write something for it asap!! hope you enjoy it! :D I also made a playlist as well for the fic as well if you would like to check it out! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0UlMaRqEvfR0isDN5HZbQX?si=ae38cd36680f47dc

Saturday evening, 8:00pm.

She opened her apartment door.

"hey," he said.

"hey," she replied back.

He handed her a bouquet of multi-coloured roses, where it came in deep red, sunset orange and white. He always knew what she liked.

She took him by his hand, and led him to her living room, contemporary and spacious. it was only lit up with singular candles on the table, followed by the huge windows that showed the sky coming into twilight dusk, encapsulating that it was a prosperous summer. 

They both sat down, and he took in the savoury and sweet dishes that laid before him, unsure what to eat first.

"you did a amazing job," he said, and she took a spoonful of her own tiramisu, beckoning him to try it.

"now, open your mouth, okay? its your favourite..." 

He opened it, and she fed him the layered dessert, home-made and as always, flavoursome and had just the right amount of coffee and cream in it. she had always been a exceptional cook.

"like it?" she asked, putting the spoon back into her plate.

"always. I always do..."

"I'm glad..."

---

Saturday evening, 8:30pm

"you can have seconds if you like," she said, not quite satisfied that he had adequately eaten.

He'd never been the type to eat in huge quantities anyway.

"its okay, I'm quite full anyway..."

she nodded, and leaned forward. 

"so, how has your week been in general?"

"well..."

And like they always did when they saw each other, they engaged in their usual small talk, asking what another did, but it never bored her once. She loved how passionate he was about his job, and his occasional grumbling and groans meant that he could be vulnerable with her, and that's what she liked about their relationship the most.

"that guy was a bit of a asshole..."

and that.

when they first started dating, he rarely swore when he was around her, but after six months, the curses that came out from him were as natural as his altruistic nature, and how kind he was towards her.

 from the beginning, He always respected her need for slow pacing.

but, as of recently, she's seen the way he's been looking at her.

More than the appreciation and love that he has for his girlfriend, there were times when he stared at her more than usual, and when they were alone together, he'd always seemed like he was lost in his thoughts. 

like he was planning how to make the next move.

"so I was..."

"seungbae."

"y-yeah?"

she crossed her legs, and tapped a singular finger on her bottom lip.

"can you kiss me...please?"

she didn't want to wait any longer.

"...okay."

he moved away from his chair, she turned her body around so she could face him, legs still crossed and slightly amused at how flustered he was, but that was yet again, another part of him that she liked.

but, despite his usual shyness, He leaned in and pressed his lips against her, gentle as she expected he would be, but more confident in his initiation of it.

despite that, she still wanted more.

as she stood up, she used her to push his head forward, deepening their kiss, and used the other to drag the collar of his shirt, up until their bodies clashed against the wall, and he pulled away from her lips, breathless, and extremely taken aback.

"hey you...do you..."

you silly man.

she took off her top, and leaned back so he could fully see her cleavage, hoping that it would spark the assertiveness that she now needed in him, and how she wanted it taken out all on her.

 when he got to see this side of her, he was suddenly struck by how beautiful she was, and realized that her calm demeanour hid away the same wants that he also had for her. 

he didn't want to wait anymore, either.

as he unbuttoned his shirt, she also unzipped her trousers, and he placed his hand on the wall, hesitant, but more than willing to satisfy whatever she wanted from him. whatever she wanted...he will freely give it to her.

Saturday evening, 9:00pm

"...are you sure about this?" seungbae asked.

"...yes, I am," she said, and she held his hand, more surer than she ever would be.

__

[browniefox]

Another Week, Another Crisis Core Chapter!

Before playing this, I did a TON of sidequests (I got like 30% of them complete) which meant I didn't struggle against any enemies. on one hand, it meant I could get to focus on all the good scenes, but on the other hand, I didn't get to show off any of the new summons I'd gotten ;-;

God I love this church. Because this game works at break-neck pace, I doubt that Aerith and Zack are going to get, like, as many scenes together as I'd like, but I do think this chapter does a decent enough job starting to develop their relationship at the very least.

Zack is so tall I love it, and aw cute little date <3

While I got really frustrated with the little Bruno segment pretty fast, I do like that all the Slums citizens immediately clock Zack as not from around there, and immediately go to protecting Bruno. You can really feel the distrust and disconnect between those above and below plate.

I just Love Aerith <3

Where the general symbolism of monsters and angels is so heavy handed I roll my eyes every single time, I actually really loved this interaction between Zack and Aerith, when Aerith is talking about being afraid of SOLDIERS. To those who know Aerith's story, it's easy to see that she's both projecting her own desire to be normal (why in the world would people sign up to be made less normal?) as well as her own understandable trauma with the Shinra company, onto her thoughts and feelings on SOLDIERS.

Additionally, I love that she's actually scared of the sky. I think in teh Slums, that's not too rare of a feeling.

It's a shame that I feel like the Zack-Angeal relationship is done so poorly at the beginning, because this interaction really makes me start to like their dynamic! Angeal confiding in Zack and trusting Zack really says a lot. Also, I love the detail that Angeal has found that he likes flying, and just kind of carries Zack :D

I do think it's super funny though that it's way brighter and cheerier under the plate than on top of it, and that Zack just totally forgot and put off the mission he was on to go on a not-date with a cute girl.

THE FACT THAT THE FIRST THING ANGEAL SAYS TO SEPHIROTH IS THAT HE LOOKS THINNER SHIT BOYYYYY! I think it just does a lot to characterize their relationship, and especially how this whole thing has been affecting Sephiroth.

Genesis should have just killed Hojo. True good ending <3 It is funny to me that this segment ends with Hojo totally uninjured and honestly, probably happier than before bc he got to do random experiments on Zack.

They put so much effort into making Genesis' model look hot and honestly I love it. When I first saw Genesis in an amv, I thought he was a girl, and I guess that's my hot take for the day is that I think it'd be fun if he was. There is not one single female SOLDIER. There should be more women who got experimented on to be part of the army #feminism

This is here because I was hoping this quest line would mention Reeve, but it didn't and now I'm super disappointed.

I don't think I've seen anyone mention this before, but from this interaction it's implied that Zack is not Angeal's first mentee. Maybe perhaps his most promising, clearly the only one to make it to first, but Angeal had tried to instill his values onto other SOLDIERS.

And then my final thoughts for now is the interesting dynamic between infantry and SOLDIER. Before this game, I thought they were sort of the same group, but no they're actually two very distinct groups within Shinra. I also feel like infantry is often portrayed as always trying to become SOLDIER or something, but mostly there seems to be some resentment towards SOLDIER, and this hate that infantry will never be able to do as much as SOLDIER can. Very interesting, especially when considering Cloud.

[mxtsuriluv]

kidnapping, alcohol, cursing, mentally abusive, age gap, sexual assault, assault/jerks, trauma, drama, hatred, enemies to lovers, mommy issues, daddy issues, suicide, self harming, drug abuse , written in lower case and so much more for those topics that are sensitive such as sa, suicide, etc i'll put a warning beforehand ! < 3

3 0 D A Y S T A N G L E D

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p l a y l i s t

hana lam - our memories in my pocket ft. riu domura

kohana lam - matching memories

.... t o b e c o n t i n u e

"two | t h e  b e g g i n i n g

  wednesday 05

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netheless to say, that the whole journey wasn't going to be easy atleast not at the start. the rivals still hated one another, y/n just love to play along todorokis game so with time she grew to despite him for the simple reason that he thinks he's better than other people while todoroki had his owns reasons.

one thing that the students didn't get cleared on the start is that you had to be everywhere with your assigned partner that was the whole main reason of the project to began with, so wether y/n and shoto like it they were stuck together like gum and that was simply because their teacher was paying extremely attention to the two.

so now todoroki and y/n are sitting down trying to eat their lunch but one way or another one will most likely break and in this case it was y/n by the ridiculous comments todoroki was making.

"that looks sad" todoroki commented on the food y/n was eating. which include yogurt with a salad accompany with some tiny pieces of chicken.

"scared of gaining weight?" he asked making y/n annoyed.

why the hell did he care about what she ate or not. she just wants to watch her diet as she does not want to slack off on training.

"didn't think you would be that kind of person" ,

"for someone who's confident enough all the time, you sure do pay attention of the little details about yourself" , "scared you'll become hideous for the media?" , "god, i feel bad for your poor excuse of mother"

now that last comment threw y/n off and she nearly choke on her food. there classmates were experiencing everything that was surrounding their table, so all of them did choke on their food by the last comment todoroki said with that being said bakugou almost lost it at that moment and was about to break the boy neck when he stopped himself seeing y/n brutally stand up and land a harsh slap on the boy and pour her plate over the man figure.

the salad could be washed easily but the yogurt got all over todorokis hair making it sticky and some get on his face.

"and what can be said about you, huh? you act all tough and shit when your no better than your father"

todoroki slam the table so hard and stood up, their heigh difference can be noticeable and the friend group would laugh if it weren't for the tension that was surrounding the table.

"what did you just said?" shoto spoke out with so much venom in his voice that it made y/n shiver but she stood her ground.

"your.no.better.than.your.shitty.excuse.of.father" she repeated sternly and she felt some milk being poured on her a second later.

and that's how the fight began as both of them were throwing each other what they had so close to them that the whole cafeteria had their eyes on them.

the friend group then decided it was time to separated the two, bakugou and midoryia stood up and hold todoroki in place while yaoyorozu and uraraka stood up and stop y/n dragging her away towards the bathroom.

"hey! let me go, i'm not even halfway done"

but her friends ignored her and shove her towards the girls bathroom where y/n on the way slowly started to calm down. "feeling better now"

ochaco spoke softly as she got to wipe the girls face with a napkin while yaoyorozu look softly at the girl and created her new clothes using her quirk. "he insulted my mother.." y/n mumbled underneath her breath.

"you insulted his father yagi" yaomomo said making y/n raised her head at her. "so your excusing his behavior? i made that comment after he said that plus it's the truth, we all know that"

"no. i'm not taking his side, i'm saying both of you were on the wrong..." yaoyorozu spoke softly as she lowered her gaze and gave y/n the clothes she made for her.

"thanks also i'm not apologizing.."

"we don't expect you to do" ochaco said letting out a soft giggled. "might as well go to see how the boys are doing, sorry to cause you girls problems" y/n said as she scratch her neck flustered a little.

"it's alright, don't take to long" ochaco said as she began dragging yaoyorozu with her while giving y/n a warm smile before leaving. once the bathroom door closed and y/n was the only one left in there, she let the tears stream down her face as she look at herself in the mirror.

"god, i feel bad for your poor excuse of mother"

and in one swift move, y/n punched the mirror hard making her hand bleed and the mirror to shatter a little.

"you had no reason to say that todoroki, not when she's not here anymore to defend her presence" y/n said as she broke down and hold the necklace that was around her neck. the last gift that her mother gave her before she passed away.

silently crying she washed her right knuckles, in the process washing herself too from the food. meaning going to the stall that had a shower and washing herself not bothering with the dirty clothes to take it off. once done she dried herself and put on the new clothes. looking at herself in the mirror she fix herself and tried to hide the puffiness in her eyes the best by freezing her fingers and putting them on her eyes for a minute.

finally exiting the bathroom she saw her father waiting for her. "rough day kiddo?" he asked softly as midoryia went to him explaining what had happened in the cafeteria.

"your not going to scold me?"

"do you want me too?"

y/n said nothing making all might going in for a hug as he rub her back. "held your head high up princess. don't let him see the weakness on you. i'm sure sooner or later the boy will realize how amazing you are"

"dadddd your sounding so cheesy now." y/n said as she let out a small laugh. "he mention about mother, i didn't mean to lash out on him sorry"

"i know kiddo, i know. it's fine you had every right to act that way. i'm sure everyone would if they were on your shoes. now head to class, lunch is about to end"

"yes, sir!" y/n quickly said as she headed towards her classroom in order to not get there late. 

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once school finished y/n was walking alongside shoto as she brutally came to a stop, making todoroki turn around to face at the girl only to see her check something on her phone.

both of them didn't dare to apologize to one another of the incident that happened during lunch. they were acting as if it never happened. "are you free to stop by somewhere? i need to finished some assignments" y/n asked as she fumbled with her fingers.

"you can just finished them in the dorms, why bother?" he asked not really putting much interest into the conversation.

"i want to be in a different environment, not just the dorms plus they can get really loud sometimes." y/n said making todoroki sigh as he started following the girl.

"lead the way"

and with that both of them were in their way to starbucks. a common place people go to study or just hang out with their friends.

the whole walked was silence nothing was shared among the two teenagers and honestly y/n didn't mind at all as she seemed to forget that she wasn't alone.

entering the place, the smell of coffe hit the teenaged as y/n walked up front the counter making one of the staff go up to her.

"hi, what can i get for both of you?" she asking nicely.

y/n turned around towards the boy and saw shoto being slightly confused as he shrugged his shoulders. "i've never been to this place" he simply said as y/n was taken back but she slowly nodded.

"ah can i get a grande hot chocolate and a grade dragonfruit mango lemonade" y/n said as the cashier simply nodded "will that be all?"

"hmm can we have four crispy grilled cheese on sourdough and two glazed doughnut"

"sure, your total would be $15, what would the name be?"

"y/n and here you go"

and with that y/n payed and received her change. "where do you wanna sit?" y/n asked as shoto just shrugged.

"i don't care"

rolling her eyes, y/n picked a place that wasn't close to the window and sat down at the table and put her stuff back down. upon hearing her name she picked up the two drinks and went back to grab the snacks

"here you go todoroki. last time i saw you drink hot chocolate with yaoyorozu and i overheard that you enjoy donuts so help yourself out" y/n said as she took a sip of her drink and took out her laptop as she began to do her assignments.

once taking a sip, todoroki eye light up, his drink didn't taste bad and the food here sure didn't either. so he slowly ate his donut with his drink and as well the grilled cheese sandwich, it sure was crispy and it sit right into his mouth.

he slowly look at y/n and for a second he admire her before making another comment.

"you sure do look like shit, eating your donut like a pig"

this cause the girl to dead glare at the boy in front of her. "todoroki don't even start" and in a mocking way he raised his hands in defeat "what? am i making poor y/n doubt her image

y/n done with his shitty behavior stuck the middle finger at him as shoto shook his head and smirk. "what? is that all? is it too much for your little head to think of another way to roast me?"

"god you little—"

[autumntouched]

The short answer to this is this is why I write Phoenix happy and single sometimes. I don’t think there are enough models of that and it makes otherwise happy and thriving people feel like there is something wrong with them.

My long answer:

I thought about this a lot in my 20s, mostly because I was constantly getting a variation of the question “why are you single?” And I was like um, if I knew I wouldn’t be single right?

A part of me has always inherently enjoyed being alone. I could spend days shut in my room playing by myself or reading as a kid. For some reason, I really struggled to connect with other children but would spend hours talking to adults. I loved talking to them and from a young age have maintained friendships with people like fifty years older 😂

But I also grew up in an environment where I wasn’t the kind of girl guys paid attention to. No one would ever say I was pretty, and I didn’t really know how to be. Let’s just say it took me a long time to come into my looks 😂 I never got a Valentine or asked to a dance and definitely not prom. And when someone did like me, it felt like it wasn’t something they’d want everyone to know about. I also grew up with someone who made me feel like I was really difficult to love. So put all of those things together and yeah, I came to love being alone!

I still couldn’t tell you whether or not I’m pretty, but by the time I was in my twenties people at least assumed I looked okay enough to be in a relationship 😅 So I started asking people why they thought I was single and y’all, the answers were fascinating!

I was intimidating (I’m 5’2”!!); I was so confident; I was the kind of girl guys felt like they had to have their lives together to date. Here’s a kicker: I was so smart 😂 All these women were telling me I had to love myself first for someone to love me and all the guys were like you love yourself too damn much lol. Like what do I do with this?!

Also, loving yourself before someone can love you is bullshit. Please stop giving that advice. I know plenty of people who don’t love themselves who are in relationships and plenty of people who do love themselves who aren’t. Loving yourself has nothing to do with having a partner. You should always do the work of loving who you are for yourself. It’s the only way for it to be inherently rewarding to see your own growth.

Anyway, figuring out why I was single was a bust. So then I was like, why do I like to be alone? And that was a more fruitful question. I like to be alone because I’m an incredibly passionate person and give 110% to too many of the things I do. So I need lots of time to recover from that. I like to be alone because when I’m not alone, I’m pouring into my friends, my family, the people I mentor, the institutions I’m part of. I give a lot of myself away in what I do for a living, so I like to be alone because I need to recenter. I’m in my 30s and have lived an incredible, fulfilling life and made most of my dreams come true. I’m literally sitting here like what can I dream up next for myself?! And yeah, I like MY OWN FREAKING COMPANY. What I write on the internet is like 1% of what’s going on in my head. I like to reflect on my actions, my values, my impact on the world and I need quiet to do that. That’s just me. There are so many reasons someone might prefer to be alone without the reason being that they otherwise have a hundred things on their plate! Honestly sometimes I just want to be alone because I have big emotions and it’s too much to deal with another person, even someone I love, in the same space.

I don’t worry anymore about the people who worry about me being alone…let them do that work for me! I have plenty of other things to worry about more than their projected insecurities. If I’ve checked and I’m happy where I am, then I’m good. If I’m unhappy, I’ll talk to the people who’s lives I want to emulate. I’m too old and too tired and too much of an eight to care about everyone’s opinion. Opinions are freaking exhausting sometimes. My life is filled with people who support me but who I trust to be honest with me when needed. If they tell me there’s a problem, then I listen. And I’ve heard some hard truths about myself. But you know what? No one who has ever raised an issue has ever told me how to solve it unless I asked for their guidance. Just given me the space to reflect on their observations.

So I’m holding out hope that one day someone awesome will come along and be like I want all in on this roller coaster of a person. I want my life to feel expanded in a partnership not contracted or boxed in. And until then, I’m often alone but rarely lonely. My life is filled with the most incredible, loving people who bring me so much joy when I’m ready to be around them and who understand that sometimes I need to be alone and give me that space. I’ve done everything I’ve truly wanted to do, gone everywhere I wanted to go, made mistakes, had successes but probably more failures. I wake up every day asking is this the life I want to live and when that answer is no, I begin a new journey of discovery.

So my answer is both. I am this way and it was the way circumstances conditioned me. Maybe I have found contentment in the resignation. But also, I think that is what life is? We’re all dealt a set of cards. Some hands really aren’t fair. I try to trade cards or reshuffle the deck when I see an opportunity to do so. Some hands are better than others. We’re doing our best to work with what we were given.

This was an unnecessarily long answer to a short question. But if the rest of your life is what you want it to be and being alone doesn’t take away from the joy you have in everything you do have, what have you lost?

If you genuinely enjoy being alone, do you ever wonder if it is an inherent part of your character or if it stems from feeling inescapably lonely in the first place until you taught yourself to enjoy the peace and happiness one can find in solitude? what if the reason you now prefer & choose solitude at every turn is because you were a very lonely child, or teenager, not by your own choice, and that’s how you learnt to thrive and grow, so you no longer know if you can do that around people? There might also be an element of personal pride, an unconscious “you can’t fire me I quit” point when your brain decided to switch your feelings about solitude from distress to relief. I often find myself defending my love of being alone, to people who worry that I can’t possibly be happy to live in an isolated house in the woods; I insist that I do! I really do specifically enjoy the isolated factor and chose to live here because of it, but then I wonder how to differentiate an ingrained love of solitude from an acquired ability to thrive off unchosen loneliness, to learn from it and be nourished by it; to what extent it might be a form of contentment built on a bedrock of resignation.

[refriedrambles]

Alexandria is just a fucked up gremlin version Snow White, but she's not wishing for a prince, she was wishing for a family and we see her during the happily ever after

So I have labeled this project Space temporarily. Still working on Being Fired, but I want to rewatch IZ for that first and just haven't done it yet.

As of now I've got three solid characters for Space with arcs and themes. This is gonna be a long term project with a different approach from anything else I've tried to write so far. I want it to be an ensemble cast, but I wanna get a good idea of who everyone is and what their arc could be first.

For solid characters I have Zsolt, desperate for validation and running from his past. He's a mechanic/maintenance/occasional pilot for the ship. Incredibly Zim inspired. A bit of Jack Spicer too. Pathetic theater villain my favorite kinda character, I'm gonna give him something! The perpetual nature of these characters hurts me and that's what draws me to Chack or PRaZr. I want them to just get a win for once and I know just giving them the love of those they idolize isn't the way to go about it and doesn't really make a good story on it's own, but it's gets the itched scratched. Doesn't hurt that the Tallest are my favorites in IZ and Chase is pretty high on the list Xiaolin Showdown either. But that's not really the direction I think this needs to go. It could eventually but definitely not during the main arc. I will probably give Zsolt an idol that dismisses and possibly despises them, but he won't learn from finally get their love. He's going to work through his issues. His mask will be shattered and he's going to have to face what's left underneath. Failure and self loathing

Krys, basically just Krysa but merged with another character of mine named Crow. She's the ship's captain and she does a bit of everything, but often overlaps with Zsolt's duties cause it's the stuff she enjoys the most. Her main thing is she's what's keeping the ship together, from being a peacekeeper for the crew to finding out where and how they're going to get the resources they need to stay afloat. She's got a lot on her plate and some pretty well hidden trust issues that totally aren't going to become a problem later. A bit Cale inspired, but I've also started injecting her with some of my personal issues. Aside from that she's just a culmination of shit load of recurring traits from my characters throughout the years.

I have so many red head girl characters with fucked up lives and an odd amount of them are makers. All of them isolated in some way, often involving parental death or murder, and frequently missing body parts and I'm definitely gonna have to dig into the why of that with Krys. They're often also completely out of place in their current environments too, but they've dug out a little hole for themselves nonetheless. Often from a fallen civilization and now aimlessly wondering a new one. Look I've made this connection before, but I've never really dug into it and I think I really need to.

Looking at Maliph I've always been far more aware of what parts of me I put into her. But not for Maka or Crow or Muryuim or Red or C or Krysa (and those are only the ones I can remember off the top of my head.) A big through line with all these characters and more is this unyielding curiosity, a level of education and learning I simply don't have. A confidence I've never had, despite the hell they've been through. I think Maliph is a character I just need to say fuck it with and write about with out caring about the flaws of her/his world. Without censoring myself. But that's got nothing to do with Space, that's just a character I was unconsciously working out a lot of stuff with. There is another through line with Maliph and Krysa (not necessarily Krys tho) that sticks out to me that I really really don't wanna think about. I think I'm gonna have to do some deep self reflection there, but not now.

The third character despite having an arc and a theme, I have no name for. Or design but considering they're a shape shifter I think that's excusable for now. For now I'm calling them Shifty. Alex is gonna pick them up, but I'm not quite sure what their role on the ship will be yet. An outsider and outcast like most of the others, but unlike them it's because of the paranoia and panic around the very idea of shape shifter. They've always tried to blend into their surroundings for safety. Where Zsolt pleads for acknowledgement, Shifty pleads for anonymity to be unseen, unnoticed. To just be allowed to survive. They don't know who they are and think they never will. All they want is a place they can just breathe. Humans are very rare in the part of the Galaxy they're in, but they are known about. After being confronted one too many times by those of the species he is pretending to be, he takes on the form of a human, so they have an easy excuse for any odd behaviors. When he mets Alex after while looking for a way off planet. (Not sure if I'm gonna leave Alex human, but if she is she's wearing her mask so he doesn't know) Inspired by Beast Boy, Nimona, and Maliph. They might not be as solid as I was thinking. Identity, dysphoria, alienation, dehumanization

Then there's Alex and Krill, but Alex's Snow White thing probably happens before the story and she's pretty well adjusted so I don't have much of an arc for her yet (maybe something about learning to accept things without feeling indebted to someone for it or being a bit too transactional in her thinking?). Krill. I don't know yet. He's kinda a pure evil character and while most of the main cast do fall into the criminal category, none are as heinous or remorseless as Krill. Alex is a pocket full of sunshine. Krill is a monster in almost every sense of the word. He's there out of necessity. And once Krys invited the devil in she knew she had little chance to get him out again. But luckily he's willing to play by her rules. For now at least.

I think I'm gonna use the Purple analysis (Tallest analysis really, can't do one without the other given how they are treated as a unit in the show, plus contrast and all that) as an excuse to finally learn how to write an essay.

I have come down with a sickness, but am doing pretty well. My brain's been on overdrive with possibilities! And insomnia. And story crafting!

I've figured out a partial plan on studying for that test I've been actively avoiding for years. (Essays. Curse you essays.)

[yukinohananana017]

As I grow older, the thought of being in an intimate relationship, romantic or not, scares me.

To be vulnerable, to put down all my walls and masks to show who I truly am underneath it, to show them all my broken edges, my flaws, my weaknesses; the ugly side of my personality that I had realised I've covered up for so long.

To show my heart, in all it's ugly sides and hurt and scars, to them on a silver plate, and turn my back, and trust they will take good care of it.

I don't want to be cynical, to be unable to trust someone even after I befriended them, but I grew up in a household that didn't believe in me. That couldn't trust me, even when I haven't done anything. The blind trust that I had, broken to pieces.

I've been hurt a lot of times, as a child, as a teenager, and as me now. By my peers, who mocked my interests. By my friends, who hurt me by their words. By my own kin, when my parents didn't understand the concept of trusting friends, to connect with people emotionally and seek out that healthy emotional connection.

And as I grew older, it's easier to see that I simply couldn't trust even my own parents with even the simplest of secrets, because they have closed off everything and became paranoid and distrustful, even hate, over anything that they couldn't micromanage. I wanted to talk about my day with friends, but I was shot down before I could begin when they told me that I should make "useful friends" that can "bring me places" instead. That I had to hide that I made friends with males instead of females, because it hurt when I was accused of selling my body to them because I was "talking to them for more that 30 minutes." That I was up to no good just because I stayed up late for a group project.

This kind of distrust, as I grew up, had changed me. That my apathy and emotional distance had grown because of it, and I realised that I was afraid of being vulnerable again. Of baring my heart because I was afraid to be mocked, criticized, hated for just this thing.

I want to be able to trust people, to give them the benefit of the doubt instead of distrusting them forever. To be able to see what they have done to me, and be able to judge them fairly and trust my own judgement. To not be blinded by my biases and fears. I want to be able to see people and connect with them, to say heart to heart and be able to laugh off mistakes and communicate instead. To know that, even when I hurt them and they hurt me, that my heart, for all it's ugly sides, can taken care off.

I want to be trusted, for people to see me as someone that deserves their love. To be chosen as someone that they can confidently say as "their closest". I want to be able to trust myself to hold my own heart, to look at it and go "I'm not a monster, I'm not perfect, I'm merely human, and it's okay." I want to trust my own judgement, and say that "You are being hurt, you are being necessary, you are doing this to help yourself."

I want to trust even when I hurt someone, that someone will come up to me and correct me, and that I can believe them. To believe that they're not merely manipulating me, to believe that they want the best for me, to believe that they genuinely support me, that their criticism aren't just insults veiled in thin excuses of attempts in emotionally manipulating me. To believe that they're genuine, and that they're truly happy for me when they compliment me. To know that they really want me to be better as a person.

I want to trust, and be trustworthy.

I want to be fair. I want to be happy.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel content.

I don't know if I can. I'll try though.

[sunball]

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR PERSON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW + A MESSAGE FROM THEM

𖦹 this reading includes what is going on in your person’s life right now, what they (or their higher self) want to say to you at this moment and songs they'd like to give you. this reading is more about your future spouse or your future partner, someone who you may not be in contact with but you're curious about what they're doing.

𖦹 so there will be two paragraphs for each pile (what your person is doing and what they want to say to you). you can choose more than one pile. ex: pile 1 for what your person is doing and pile 2 for the message.

𖦹 how does this work? close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you.

𖦹 take what resonates.

THE PILES

PILE 01

now playing:

now playing:

pile 01's songs

THEIR LIFE

hello pile 01, welcome to your reading. I'm getting a lot of fire energy here, especially leo. I'm hearing Leo in 1st and 10th house, aries in 8th house, aries mars, mars in 10th house and also Venus in 2nd and 3rd house. I'm also getting gemini and capricorn. capricorn mars, aquarius venus. If these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's placements. or perhaps, those are their transits. I feel a lot of confident energy from your person, I think they are at a good place right now. Your person has been betrayed and heartbroken quite recently but I feel like they're not trying to let that get to them. they're keeping their head high, focusing on their goals and working really hard. the pain motivated them to work hard, maybe as a way to get revenge? In their head, they may think that if they work hard, they can show off their success to the person that broke them like "hey, look at me now!". for some others, it's possible that they're working really hard because the work distracts them from the pain and the situation. they're acting like the pain isn't affecting them, I'm seeing them just laughing and hanging out with a group of people (their friends?) acting like theyre not dealing with any problems. your person is definitely at a period of time where work is only on their mind, they're hungry for success. success is the only thing your person is heading towards, it's the only direction they see. love isn't on your person's mind at all so I doubt that you've crossed their mind. but little do they know, the direction that they're heading towards will also lead them to you. your person may have travelled somewhere recently or maybe they're thinking of travelling somewhere else. there is change on the horizon for your person, maybe they will be promoted soon or moving countries, going to university, etc. they are so ambitious. I'm seeing piles of paper on desks, papers stuck on walls with dates and notes on them and also quotes. motivational quotes perhaps. your person is also working out, they could be getting up quite early. 6 am? I'm getting mad mars in 6th house vibes from your person. they're feeling burnt out, they have so much on their plate but they're not stopping anytime soon because they like it and also because they have no choice. they're also taking many responsibilities, I'm hearing house chores, work and looking after their parents or siblings. your person could be a student, a business person or they could work in an office. they're organizing their workspace and keeping track of their schedule, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. laziness is not in your person's vocabulary!

THEIR MESSAGE

you know, I am so busy right now. I'm too exhausted to even think about love, to think about you. I don't think about it anymore unlike before. I know at times you feel like we're nowhere close and you doubt my existence because of how distant I feel and I'm sorry. It is partially true, we're nowhere close to eachother and we're both individual human beings. let's live in the present and experience things and meet new people without having to think about eachother. I don't feel right about thinking of the future and just hoping for something to happen, hoping to just end up with someone like you. It doesn't feel right. I need to do something, I need to take action. that's exactly what I'm doing now. It gives me a sense of stability knowing that I'm taking action and there's a high possibility of my dreams coming true. I've promised myself that I won't stop working until I've achieved everything. I can't do all of this by myself, I need your help too. I'm asking you a favour, do your part. I'm doing mine. work hard and don't slack off. I'm sorry again for sounding cold, I'm not like this on a daily basis. I'm just really tired. I need to get my point across. don't slack off. please. I'll keep saying that. oh, that reminds me. at times I will definitely sound like a teacher or a boss, it's just a habit I got from work. It's not my intention to make you feel stupid, I know you're smart. I wanted you to know that because I don't want you to think I'm generally a cold person. I'm not. when tarot readers or psychics or astrologers or whoever says that I'm cold, they only mean when I'm at work or when I'm busy or serious. I would never be like that to someone I love, especially you. truthfully speaking, you don't know much about me at all especially if you think I'm a cold person. that thought you have of me stops now. I'm guessing that you're curious about me now. I like to look neat and clean, I don't like bright colours, they look unprofessional. I hang out with my friends sometimes and we just have lunch at a café or a local restaurant. I'm on my computer a lot so my back always hurts but I'm doing exercises to help me with it. I have too many cookbooks that I don't use because I don’t have much time, I end up freestyling my food and cooking up some eggs. I need to get better at managing time. I don't like people that don't practice what they preach, it irritates me. now for my appearance. this, in no way is useful information that will help us in any way but I suppose I'll just tell you. I have a sharp nose, it's pointy and a little wide. I don't have any piercings. I don't have bangs. as for my eyes, they're brown and deep-set. my lips? they're just lips. you'll love them anyway so it doesn't matter. my hair? neat and brown. you'll love it too. that's enough. you can stop trying to get to know me now, leave that for when we meet. you can know me more yourself when the time comes, I like the process of getting to know someone and the effort someone puts into getting to know me. until then, keep working hard.

PILE 02

now playing:

pile 02's songs

THEIR LIFE

I’m getting cancer energy from the pile, also pisces and gemini and libra. I’m hearing cancer/pisces/ libra venus, venus in 5th/7th/12th house, pisces moon, mercury in 7th house, cancer in 2nd house, gemini rising. if these aren’t your placements then they’re most likely your person’s, if not then these may be their transits. right now I feel like your person is trying something new, especially a hobby. I’m getting ‘painting’ for some of you. for others, your person has started something new like a project or they moved to a new house, something like that. there’s this feeling of ‘newness’ in your person’s life right now. they have so much passion for whatever this ‘newness’ is. they’re excited for this change, they can’t wait to move to the next stage. I’m feeling a positive energy coming from your person. their creativity is flowing through their blood, they feel inspired and joyous. some of you may not like to hear this but your person may have gotten in a relationship with someone or they want to get into a relationship with someone. they have a crush. I feel like there’s still an important choice to be made and your person has waited such a long time for the next stage, the relationship stage. I feel like their crush or their partner isn’t showing them that much attention, it feels quite one sided (your person giving more), they’re doing so much for their crush/partner but I feel like your person isn’t seeing it right, they’re just so blinded. like a little kid when they have a crush. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, don’t worry, they’re your person for a reason. anyways for others of you, I’m seeing your person listening to music while they’re doing their new hobby. painting is coming really strong, I’m seeing an easel. If it’s not a hobby then your person is feeling in love, whether it be a person or something else. their head is in the clouds, they’re listening to love songs, feeling so inspired by everything around them. love and venus themes is really important in your person’s life right now. If you’ve been listening to love songs recently or if you just feel all lovey-dovey, it’s most likely because of your person, you’re connected to your person. or if you feel inspired out of nowhere, it’s probably because of your person too. I just felt like I had to let you know that. sooner or later though, your person will realise that the relationship is one sided and they will give up on it. this will hit your person really hard, it will be a hard lesson for them. perhaps even the last lesson because I feel like your person has always done too much for people that don’t deserve their love. your person has experienced a lot and learnt many lessons except for this, when they learn this though, they will have learnt all the lessons. they can tick this off their box. I’m getting such wise Pisces vibes from them. for lots of you, your person is already in the 'realisation' stage and there's about to be a change in their life.

THEIR MESSAGE

It’s been challenging these days, maybe even these past few weeks and maybe even months too. It’s fine though, I can get through it. you don’t have to worry about me. I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen soon, disappointments? I’m not surprised, I’ve been so stuck in my own head. I don’t know why I keep giving people more. so stupid of me. maybe it’s not my fault? maybe it’s their fault for giving less, who knows. I don’t know how to stop. why do I do this? I keep getting disappointed over and over again, I’m starting to not have hope anymore. despite this, I still think love is beautiful. with the right person. love is not only limited to romantic love though, which is what I’ve learnt recently. I’ve been so fixated on romantic relationships that I’ve forgotten about the beautiful things around me. surprisingly, there’s love everywhere. do you know what I love? I love the stars, I love flat white coffee, I love the smell of fresh grass, I love nature and the sun, I love dogs (especially small dogs) and I love experiences. experiences that shape me into a better person, painful or not, I love those. not to sound masochistic – but I love pain. I learn from pain. love has always been painful for me but I’m still giving people my all, wrong people to be precise. Is that why I keep falling for people that don’t care about me? because I love getting hurt? now that I’ve thought of it, it sounds terrible. I need to fix that. I feel embarrassed now that you know this, please don’t shake your head. I will fix it. I want this cycle to end. don’t be worried about me. you should continue living your life, there’s yet so much you can experience. places to go, new people to meet, new activities to do. so much. I’d love to experience so many things with you. do you like road trips? I’d love to go on a picnic date too, does stargazing sound good? we could travel around the world, that’s on my bucket list. so many ideas but there’s still so much distance and time between us. I feel excited thinking about it, I want to do so much right now and experience so many things. by the time we meet, I might already have a long white beard because I’ll be so wise *laughs*. who knows, white hair does look awesome. I think it might suit me actually. on a serious note, I want you to know that you should not be afraid to try new things. don't be afraid of change. regret is scarier than change, staying in the same place and not growing is scarier than change. you may lose something good but what if you gain something even better? I’ll be there for you every step of the way, I’m always there for you even though I’m not there with you physically. do you feel me? I’m so proud of you. If you see an opportunity, take it or you’ll regret it later. don’t be afraid of saying no or saying yes, you deserve to be heard, assert your dominance *laughs*. I love you, take care of yourself. you can do it. [:

PILE 03

now playing:

pile 03's songs

THEIR LIFE

I'm getting mutable and fixed energy here, especially scorpio, virgo, leo, sagittarius. maybe scorpio rising and sagittarius rising with pluto in 1st house. I'm hearing saturn in 8th house, saturn in 22°, scorpio sun or moon aspecting saturn, pluto and sun or moon sitting in the same house. if these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's. these could be their transits too. your person is going through a transformation, something had recently happened in their life that has caused this transformation. I'm thinking it's death, a death of a loved one like a family member, a friend or a pet. someone close to them. If it's not a death of a loved one then it's a death of a cycle, a death of a job, a relationship, something like that. something that came to an end. it's affecting your person badly and they feel so much guilt. they're missing and mourning over whatever this is. they're pessimistic, they feel like the whole world is against them and that their would turned upside down. they have no hope anymore, they're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing that image of Yuu Otasaka from the anime Charlotte. I think your person is exactly like that right now. depressed. I see tissues, dark rooms and hoodies and blankets. also gaming for a number of you (interesting how the picture you chose is a picture of keys). they're going through it right now and they need support. your person is not communicating with many people or interacting with anyone at all, they're pushing people away. looking at the picture of the pile you chose, I realised it says "wish you were here". now this could mean that they wish that the person they lost were still with them or they wish that someone could come and support them or comfort them, or for a few amount of you, this could be meaning you. they wish you were there with them. however, I don't think love is a thought that comes in their mind in this period of time. it's more like, they're screaming into a void wishing someone could hear them, not directly meaning you. for others of you, I'm getting a different situation. your person may have gotten fired or they tried something but it didn't work out and they had so much hope for it. they badly wanted it to work out and now your person is feeling disappointed in themselves, like someone just ripped away something really valuable to them. your person doesn't know that the reason this, whatever this is, didn't work out is because it wasn't meant to. It's not part of their divine plan. It honestly saved your person from future problems but they don't know that. It's a blessing in disguise. I'm strongly feeling it's something related to their job or maybe love, 'right place, wrong time' is what I'm hearing. your person is blaming themselves for it all, thinking it was because of time, lack of planning or they didn't try hard enough. It isn't true, they should be easy on themselves.

THEIR MESSAGE

I don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying much. why do you want to know anyway? do you care? am I interesting? I'm not all that special, you know. here I go again, making sh*t sad. I'll try and make this light-hearted as possible because you shouldn't see this side of me, not so soon. not like this. *silence* I'll start off by saying that you can't control whatever life throws at you. but you can control your reactions and how you deal with it. I'm not doing very well, not dealing with it the way I usually do. It hit me hard and I don't like being sad like this and not doing anything, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not finding joy in the things I love doing. I hate this f*cking feeling and the way I'm dealing with it. I heard that you should let yourself feel everything once in a while. I'm f*cking feeling everything alright. why did I not let myself feel before? now it's all consuming me. all of my problems and emotions, this darkness inside of me, erupting. I regret this. I regret acting like I was fine before, finding distractions. now I know that being distracted doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone, the problem is still there. don't do what I did. let yourself feel. or it will all build up and eat you alive. you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad, god no. definitely not like this. but if being sad will help you then that's certainly fine by me, just don't act like you're fine. that will hurt me much more. just do what I say. showing emotions is not a sign of weakness. look at me, I'm so f*cked up because of not thinking that. this feeling will go away, right? right. If you need to let it all out, do it. I can feel your sadness, the nights you cried, I felt them. those tears of yours, I want to wipe them away but I'm not there. it sucks. I need you here. I need a good f*cking hug right now. I want you to be happy but I don't know how. I'd do anything to see that smile of yours. that precious smile that I have yet to see. I know it's precious. listen to me. I need you. I need you to stay strong. you're so strong and much more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am so in awe. your strength gives me energy, you give me energy. you're the light of my life. I hope our kids will be as beautiful and as amazing as you. I'm glad I was given the chance to talk to you like this. I love you, sunshine.

[sukisdeliveryservice]

hello!! could i kindly request for a student campus crush! wonwoo hehe and you’re best friends and have unrequited feelings but u dont know if he feels the same so over a sleepover u tried confessing and you can continue from there hehe -🐼

let me hear you say | j. ww

✎ pairing: best friend!wonwoo x female reader

✎ genre: collegel!au, friends to lovers!au, mostly fluff

✎ warnings: none!

✎ wc: 2.40 k words

✎ notes: hi 🐼 anon! i got a little carried away with this one because soft, cuddly wonwoo makes my stomach do flips but i hope you like it! i'm not sure how i feel about my portrayal of yn here because i wanted them to be really supportive of wonwoo but kind of having a hard time because of their feelings towards him. i hope i was able to express that without portraying them as kind of eh :/

“Don’t you ever get tired?” You take a quick glance at your best friend as he folds up another piece of paper with a phone number written on it.

“Of what?”

“Of everyone in this school falling head over heels for you,” You say like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, proceeding to look back down at your notes. In reality, you were trying to prevent yourself from looking at the cute (albeit, confused) way your best friend was staring at you over your abrupt question.

“Well I can’t say I’m not flattered, but there aren’t really that many people yn,”

A total lie, you think to yourself. Every time you two walked around campus, your best friend attracted the adoring stares of all your classmates like some hotshot celebrity. Yes, he was popular, and yes, he totally deserved it, but if everyone knew how dorky he was, maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to hand him their number after a single conversation.

Another lie, if everyone knew what a nerd Jeon Wonwoo actually was, they’d probably fall for him harder. You would know of course, first hand experience taught you a lot of things.

It taught you how endearing it was when Wonwoo wore oversized clothing, so that he could pull the sleeves over his palms when sipping on a hot drink at the local campus cafe. It made you realize his habit of pushing his glasses up his nose, because he was too stubborn to get the bridge adjusted. It made your insides melt whenever he was nervous because he had a habit of fiddling with his fingers. You were certain that if anyone was completely head over heels and absolutely smitten by him, it was definitely you.

“Not many people my ass,” you scoffed, “you spoke to her once, just once! And now you are holding her number.” Wonwoo laughs at your poor attempt at hiding your annoyance, “For your information, we were talking about a group project, and exchanging contact information. Nothing more, and nothing less.”

You gave a little huff before going back to pretend-studying, you definitely couldn’t focus when he was sitting right across from you. You knew you were more prone to jumping to conclusions nowadays, and you hoped that Wonwoo didn’t notice your shift in behaviour. In reality, you couldn’t help but feel a little pang of worry whenever your best friend was asked out on another date. And while he rejected the offer every time, you worried that one day he might say yes and you could lose him forever.

Not that you were against Wonwoo falling in love someday. If he found a good person that he wanted to be with for the rest of his life, you would support him in a heartbeat. It was just the selfish feeling that blossomed in your chest that prevented you from feeling any true happiness for these kinds of situations, and you hated it.

You knew that he would never abandon you completely, because Wonwoo was the best friend you could ever ask for. But you also knew that it would kill you inside to see him sweep someone else off their feet.

You’ve known Wonwoo since high school, and you definitely harboured a puppy crush on him all of first year. This was back when he was still trading pokemon cards in the gym stairwell and poking at you to buy him something from the milk vending machine. The crush went away eventually and you found yourself enjoying the rest of your high school career with your closest confidant by your side.

Once you both entered university, Wonwoo had a sudden growth spurt that now put him a total head taller than you. He no longer lurked at the stairwells during lunch and instead made lots of new friends that he went out for coffee with. He started dressing nicer, and once he exchanged his old glasses for a pair of round silver ones that rested on his nose so perfectly, he instantly transformed into someone straight out of a kdrama.

Now, you have caught feelings again. And you’re scared to admit that this time a puppy crush doesn’t even encapsulate everything you’ve been feeling lately. Of course Wonwoo’s sudden change in appearance didn’t spark anything new in your feelings towards him. It was the fact that he had a new air around him that was just completely different.

Wonwoo in high school was shy, and you loved him for who he was. You two had your own small circle of friends and you would spend all your time reading or playing games in his bedroom. Wonwoo in college however, was breaking out of his shell and being the first to approach people and make new friends. He was still introverted of course, shyness and introvertedness were two different things after all. But you were proud to see Wonwoo take the initiative to make plans more often and reach out.

Wonwoo has also gotten a lot more comfortable around you. He’s grown fond of resting his head on your shoulder after a long day of classes, and wrapping you in his sweaters whenever you came by his flat. In conclusion, everything about university student Wonwoo, was driving you, (and probably the entire campus) crazy.

“Hello? yn? Don’t you have a class soon?”

You swat away the hand that was waving in front of your face to meet the eyes of the cause of all your heart troubles. One smile from Wonwoo and you were in shambles. You had it really, really bad. “Right, right, sorry I was just...distracted.”

“We’re still on for tonight right? You can just head straight to my dorm after your last class.”

“Of course Won, did you really think I was going to miss out on another rewatch of Extraordinary You?”

“Of course not,” Wonwoo chuckled. You were met with another one of those soft gazes from him, and you immediately tried to break your stare. Something in your heart tells you that you should just confess right now, and that Wonwoo was a sensible individual who wouldn’t let go of your friendship if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Hey Won, can I tell you something after class later?”

“Of course.” There was that smile again. If you weren’t so busy trying to slow your heart rate down, you would have caught the way his eyes brightened at hearing your question, and the way he looked down to twindle with his fingers.

You give Wonwoo your own smile before heading off to your last detour of the day.

Sleepovers with Wonwoo always consisted of a mountain of blankets, a never ending pile of snacks and a show to watch before eventually both of you fell asleep. When you arrived at his flat just as he was adding the finishing touches to a home cooked dinner, you realized that sleepovers with Wonwoo also consisted of another thing: Your tragic inability to keep your heart rate down.

“Dinner will be ready in a bit, you can just wash up and get changed for now,” Wonwoo turns to greet you before adding some pepper to the tteokbokki.

You nod and head over to his bathroom, where you already find your change of clothes resting on the counter. Any outsider would have been under the impression that you and Wonwoo lived together, considering that pieces of you were scattered all over his apartment. From the matching toothbrushes that were kept by the sink, to the drawer reserved only for your clothes in his bedroom.

The only reason that you and Wonwoo didn’t room together upon entering university, was the fact that your parents were wary of you rooming with a boy you weren’t even dating. Not that it mattered now, considering that you at least spent two nights at his place away from your own dorm.

After you showered and changed into your pajamas, you realized that Wonwoo had given you one of his sweaters to wear, instead of the usual shirts you slept in. Usually you would have raided his bedroom after dinner to steal one (you slept much better when you wore his clothing) but this time it appeared that he had taken the initiative for you.

Once you stepped out of the bathroom, you saw that Wonwoo was already sitting at the dining table and was on his phone. It looked like he was texting someone, and you felt your heart sink a little when he laughed at a message. No, you are not going to be jealous. You are going to be happy for your friend because he deserves all the happiness in the world.

“Is that the girl from your group project?” You sat down across from him and started piling the tteokbokki and rice onto your plate. “Yeah, she said that the professor just sent out a mass email to our class, saying that we were going to be given an extension. Turns out that email was meant for another course, but everyone is already celebrating the new deadline.”

Wonwoo shuts off his phone and turns to you, “Was there something you wanted to tell me today?”

Right. You were going to confess your feelings. It was now or never, and you weren’t sure if you could hold it in much longer. “I can just tell you after dinner, I’m starving.”

Tragic. Tragic. Tragic. Why couldn’t you just say the words, “Hey Won, I have feelings for you, do you feel the same way?” Must you be in a spiraling paradox of questioning the presence of unrequited love in the relationship you had with your best friend? Yes, most definitely yes. Since the world likes to make everything difficult for those in love.

Dinner was eaten in a comfortable silence for the most part. You liked that you never felt the need to fill the air with more conversation whenever you were with Wonwoo. There were days where you would just sit in each other’s presence and do your own thing, and those days left you with lots of time to ponder on your feelings for him. Tonight was the night that you were going to say these feelings aloud for the first time...you just needed a bit more time to procrastinate.

After you both finished your food, you relocated yourselves to the couch. You fidgeted with the end of your (his) sweater while Wonwoo searched for the show on Netflix. You figured that you would let him know in the morning, since there was a chance that you two would fall asleep before the episode ended. And you didn’t want to confess beforehand either, in fear of having to endure a brutal one hour of awkward tension if he didn’t feel the same way.

“Who would have thought that out of all the days the wifi could have chosen to bail on us, they chose the day where we were going to find out whether Haru belonged to Dan-oh’s story or not,” Wonwoo fiddles with the remote some more, while you panic in silence at the thought of spending the night with no distractions from your feelings.

“It’s not like we don’t already know how it ends,” You take deep quiet breaths to calm yourself down, you can definitely make it through the night, “We can just do other things.”

“What do you have in mind?”

You couldn’t answer him right away. The only thing you had on your mind was the fact that Wonwoo’s hand was now resting on your knee and that it was baffling how good he could look in pajamas. Wonwoo, sensing your inability to form words nervously glanced up at you before moving the conversation in a different direction, “Look, I know you had something to tell me today yn, but I realized that I wanted to share something with you too. I am in love-”

“I am in love with you Jeon Wonwoo!”

There. You blurted out a long-awaited confession before the anticipation consumed you whole. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from your hands in fear of seeing the look on Wonwoo’s face.

“Let me hear you say it again.”

“What?” You turn to Wonwoo, who no longer looked nervous. Instead, he wore the biggest shit-eating grin on his face that made you want to both kiss and strangle him. “Say it again.”

“Not when you look like you just won the lottery you nerd, you didn’t even say-”

“I am in love with you too yn.”

Well, you were never one to complain about the fact that your feelings were returned. But the way Wonwoo was cooing at your adorable expression of shock only made you want to shove him off the couch.

Which you proceeded to do.

“Hey! Aren’t you happy that I like you too?”

“Of course I’m happy! You didn’t have to try to beat me to my confession though, tonight was going to be my night!”

“You didn’t seem like you were going to say anything for the rest of the evening! You were going to wait until the next day weren’t you?”

Absolutely yes. “No!”

Any remaining tension in the atmosphere washed away as you and Wonwoo made fun of each other on the living room floor. You were beyond relieved and a little giddy that your best friend in the whole wide world saw you in the way that you saw him.

“But on a more serious note Won, were you also going to confess tonight too?”

“Actually no, but once you came out of the washroom wearing my sweater, I just had to say it before I tackled you with cuddles or something.”

“You gave me your sweater instead of my clothes to wear!”

“I know!” Wonwoo was holding your hand now and rubbing circles into your palm. The idea of cuddling the entire night didn’t sound so bad. “But you looked all nervous and shy and I was hoping that you were going to be the one to say something first.”

“Can we just agree that we confessed at the same time?” As the adrenaline from the confession began to slip away you suddenly became very tired, and you were hoping to just spend the night in the arms of your favourite person.

“Deal. So can we cuddle now?”

[ptersparkers]

the art of ending things (8)

summary: upon realizing you lack skills in the bedroom when a touron asks you out on a date, you turn to jj, a self-proclaimed sexual deviant, for help.

warnings: smut, folks. and typos, probably. 

notes: yes, i am getting a little emotional. this series is my child and i feel like i’m sending it off to college. i’m utterly grateful that all of you were willing to wait weeks for chapter updates and i’m so happy that this little idea that i had turned into something i’m proud of and something i finished. 

as always, co-authored and co-written with @storiesbymads​. i love her and this story (among other things) brought us closer as friends and i think i love this story more for this reason than anything else. 

You thought it was ironic how the sun was shining brightly in your bedroom when you felt anything but happy.

On the night before you woke, Sarah took the liberty to wipe your makeup off with a washcloth as Kiara assisted you in changing into sleep shorts and a sweater. The brunette sat on your bed with you tucked in her arms as you buried your head to avoid been seen by the girls, but Sarah prompted you to look at her so she could clean your tear-stained cheeks.

You couldn’t remember much of last night when you woke up. When your eyes saw the white paint of your ceiling, you looked beside you at Kiara and Sarah laying on either side of you. Kiara was in a peacefully slumber facing the window while Sarah was on your left, her cheeks squished ungracefully against the side of your arm, allowing you a brief moment of amusement before remembering your heartache.

“Anyone hungry?” you asked, your voice croaking. You cleared your throat when Sarah and Kiara said yes, silently moving to your bathroom to brush your teeth and gave the two girls spare toothbrushes to do the same. 

The downstairs living room was a quiet fortress as you recalled your parents being on the mainland until later that evening. Sarah took the liberty to pour each of you a glass of orange juice while Kiara, knowing you didn’t have the energy to make breakfast, pulled out eggs and bacon, and began to work effortlessly as you sat on the high chairs beside the kitchen island. You couldn’t think. Recalling the last thing you remembered at the Boneyard hurt more than you cared to admit and you couldn’t think about the look on JJ’s face when he said he wanted nothing to do with you without feeling like you were going to cry. You figured you could produce enough tears to wipe out the entirety of the Outer Banks by the end of the day with how much you were trying to hold back. The aching headache you had because of how hard you cried last night rang through your head and you winced when the bacon hit the sizzling pan. “Do you want to talk about it?” Kiara asked as she plated the eggs and bacon. “I feel like an idiot,” you said. “C’mon,” Sarah said, sitting next to you as Kiara stood in front of you. “JJ’s the idiot.” “Maybe we’re both idiots.”

“Don’t say that,” Kiara replied. “We all thought JJ was kind of into you until that stunt he pulled last night.” “No,” you said, putting your head in between your hands. You inhaled heavily before letting out a gargantuan sigh. “We’re both idiots. We made this stupid proposition a few weeks ago and I can’t help but feel like I messed up.” “What proposition?” Kiara asked. You shut your eyes and ran your hands over your face “We’ve been, uh, fooling around?” Sarah’s eyes widened. “You mean that? While you were with Trent?” “I mean,” you began, “it’s complicated. Trent and I were never a ‘thing’ if I’m being honest. JJ was nice enough to, um, teach me things.” “Teach you things?” Kiara asked. “What do you…” Her eyes widened. “Oh.” “It’s bad,” you said. “I didn’t think anything would happen because we swore that we wouldn’t let it affect our friendship.” “But part of you had to know it would, right?” Sarah asked. You made a thin line with your lips as you moved the food around with your fork. “I know, I know,” you mumbled. “JJ never said anything and I thought this was going to be over once Trent and I had sex.” “Did you?” You shook your head. “No,” you replied. “I knew I liked JJ when I couldn’t go through with it. I just can’t help but feel like he felt the same way but when I talked to him last night, he said he wanted me to stop caring about our friendship and that he’d do the same.” Kiara and Sarah shared a knowing look while your gaze was fixed itself onto the plate in front of you. Sarah had spoken to John B. about JJ’s seemingly unrequited feelings and Kiara had her own thoughts about how he felt about you. Both girls, observant in their own right, never wanted to say anything for the sake of your relationship with Trent, but now both of them wished they had. “I don’t need either of you to say it, okay? With hindsight, I should’ve known something bad was going to happen.” “We’re here to be your friends,” Sarah reassured. “Neither of us are judging you.” “Thanks,” you muttered. “I can’t help feel like the dumbest person in the world because everything about this is cliche.” “But you didn’t know what was going to happen,” Kiara reasoned. “Kie--” “Don’t ‘Kie’ me,” she said, waving her fork at you. “You asked JJ for help and he agreed. Maybe what happened between the two of you was unconventional but you two are our friends and I don’t think either of you would intentionally hurt the other.” “I can’t stop thinking about how unfair it was to ask him to help me be more confident for Trent,” you scoffed. “First of all, I don’t ever need to explain myself to men, so I don’t know why I felt a temporary urge to prove myself in the bedroom.” You paused to collect your thoughts. “Secondly?” “If JJ did feel anything for me, I put him in a tough situation because at the end of the day, we both knew I would be going back to Trent with the lessons JJ taught me.” “I can’t say I’ve ever had that happen before,” Sarah said with a frown. You bumped your shoulder with hers. “It’s okay. I think I just want someone to listen because I can’t even think about fixing things with him right now. I just feel like I ruined our friendship by asking him to help me out, you know, sexually.” “Listen,” Kiara said, your attention now on her. “Maybe both of you made mistakes, but you’re young. You have so much more to life than a misunderstanding and if JJ really cares about you, then he’ll want to hear what you have to say and whatever you wanted to tell him last night.” “Yeah,” Sarah piped. “You’ve been friends with JJ since birth and you know how he works. I don’t think he’d throw away all those years of friendship on a misunderstanding, especially considering he was tipsy.” “I don’t know,” you groaned. You pushed your plate, which was half eaten, away from you and slouched with your arms crossed over your chest. “I wanted to be an adult about this and set boundaries with him, you know? But I never thought we had to make a no strings attached’ rule because both of us knew what was going on between us wasn’t a booty call.” “He hasn’t been flirting with anyone either,” Kiara said. “Not since you two started, well, what should we call it?” “I guess we were hooking up,” you replied. “That feels weird to say.” The girls in front of you laughed. “Maybe,” said Sarah. “I never even thought about entertaining the idea that JJ and I might end up together until I took Trent around The Cut because he looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. That’s when I really knew all of my feelings that I projected onto Trent were for JJ.” “Love works in mysterious ways,” Sarah said, waving her fork for the dramatics. “You cheesy shit,” Kiara said, sticking her tongue at the blonde. You cracked a smile and both girls felt their heart swell at making you do so in a time when you felt like you couldn’t. “Well, let’s not think about it today,” Sarah suggested. “I know Kie doesn’t have a shift today and I’m free. We could order take out and maybe have a movie marathon? We could go to the beach if you’re feeling up to it?” “Sarah, does your dad still have that huge tent he bought when you were little?” “In the back of my garage.” “And Kie, remember when we bought those lights that we strung around the poles in my backyard and that mini projector we begged your dad to buy?” Kiara clapped. “I already know where you’re going with this.” She pointed at Sarah. “You drive with Sarah and help her get the tent. I’ll grab my lights and we can meet at the supermarket to buy some snacks?” “Sounds like a plan!” Sarah exclaimed. Temporarily, you forgot about the boy who filled your void before making it feel empty again. JJ, on the other hand, woke up an hour before Pope and John B. in the spare bedroom at the Chateau. His plan for the night before had been to drink until he couldn’t feel his emotions anymore, but he’d wound up unsuccessful after having had two cups of beer and a weak shot of expensive, watered down vodka a Kook had brought to the Boneyard. He recalled everything that happened. The girl he sat beside when you came up to him parted ways once she realized things were complicated and that JJ hadn’t made an effort to engage in conversation with anyone else. He opted to head back to the Chateau to sleep it off in hopes of waking up to a different reality. But, when he awoke with the same clothes he wore last night and a few red solo cups on the floor, he knew he had to face the music. JJ wasn’t sure why he was so angry with you. He knew he was annoyed whenever you spoke about Trent, that was for sure, but he knew he didn’t let you explain what you wanted to say before he sent you away. He stared at the ceiling fan above, watching it pathetically spin on the lowest setting before forcing himself to sit upright, a groan forcing its way up his throat as he kicked the covers off his body. His legs dangled on the side of the bed,his head in between his hands, trying to comprehend the mild headache he felt; he wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol or his confusing feelings. When he walked out, the first thing he noticed was how the sunny morning was a stark contrast to his despaired feelings and he couldn’t help but wish the sky was as grey as it was when there was about to be a big rain pour. The outside was quiet with the exception of a few birds chirping and a low hum of the grass near John B’s front porch. JJ poured himself a cup of water and ate a slice of whole wheat bread untoasted, not bothering to look in his fridge for something more fulfilling as he pondered whether to return home or to the spare bedroom. John B. was the first to arrive into the kitchen, interrupting JJ’s thoughts. “You’re up early,” he said, yawning. “But you also went to bed early, I guess.” “Wasn’t in the party mood,” JJ’s mumble was muffled by the bread. “You’re gonna choke if you keep eating with your mouth full.” “Oh yeah? Watch me.” John B. laughed at JJ’s joke and rubbed his eyes, making himself a cup of coffee using the machine and coffee beans Sarah gave him. JJ wanted to ask for a cup but felt like it was too much. “Want a cup?” John B. asked nonchalantly as he grabbed the bag from the pantry. “Yeah,” JJ coughed, grateful. “Thanks.” “No problem,” John B. replied, waving the blond off. “Sarah got me enough to last for two months. I think she’s trying to get me to refine my coffee palette.” “Your what?” “Her words, not mine.” A comfortable silence fell over the two boys before John B. spoke again. “What happened last night between you and Y/N?” JJ was quiet. He remembered feeling inexplicably angry last night but it didn’t transfer over to when he woke up. Still, JJ felt hurt and confused, feeling as though you chose Trent over him and wanted to talk about it when he felt most vulnerable because he had just admitted to liking you. He knew he wasn’t angry because he had no right to tell you how to feel, especially when he’d never told you how he felt. Either way, he knew he was hurting. “Y/N chose Trent over me,” JJ said, trying to act casual. John B. raised his eyebrow as he turned on the electric kettle. “Trent?” he asked. JJ nodded. “Are you sure?” “More sure than I’ve been in a while, JB.” John B. was confused because, from all of the things Sarah has told him, and all he had observed, all the signs pointed to you liking JJ. Once Sarah mentioned how the both of you had been acting strange around each other and more attentive when you two were near each other, it all made sense to him. John B. knew JJ wouldn’t be caught dead acting like a gentleman around the clock for anyone, but you were the exception. You were always the exception. That was why John B. couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of you deciding to date Trent over JJ. He knew you just as well as he knew his best friend. John B. knew you were the type of person to put yourself above feeling like you were less than a good human being and he knew that you were aware of who you were and what you deserved. He watched you grow up from a shy kid who would never ask the person who stole your crayons to give them back, to an independent woman who wouldn’t be afraid of barking at a police officer if they looked at Kiara or Pope the wrong way. John B. was starting to think he was becoming more perceptive, and for a moment, he was beginning to doubt that. But it was John B. who looked after you when you hit a low point a few months ago before you regained your willingness to step out of your bedroom, which is how he knew all of this about you. He knew you’d never choose someone who you didn’t connect with and he knew you were, most likely, trying to confess your feelings for JJ. “C’mon,” he reasoned. “She looked pretty happy to see you last night.” “She just wanted to talk to me about Trent,” JJ huffed. “It’s the same thing over and over again, JB. All we talk about is the job Rafe gave me a few weeks back, whatever we talk about with our friends, and Trent. She never even gave me a chance to tell her how I felt about her.” “It’s not too late,” John B. said. “But what if she and Trent are happy together? Who am I to ruin that by confessing?” “Did she tell you that she was with Trent officially?” “Well, no,” said JJ, “but she didn’t have to. I knew she went over to Trent’s hotel, to you know, and that’s why she came to me in the Boneyard.” “But that’s just a theory,” John B. said, pouring the coffee into two cups. He put two sugars and a little bit of cream into his while JJ drank it black. “You don’t really know.” “It’s too fucking early for mind games.” “You don’t know if that’s what she wanted to tell you because you never gave her the chance to say it.” “Again, JB, I don’t know what’s not clicking, but the timeline’s pretty obvious. We hung out, she left and told me she was going to Trent’s, and then she comes a few hours later to tell me she fucked him.” John B. winced at his attitude but tried to keep his composure. He sipped on his coffee and tried to think of something to say, but even he had to admit his mind wasn’t all there due to waking up less than thirty minutes ago. “I don’t know what to tell you,” John B. said as he watched JJ’s shoulders slump. “You should apologize to her, though. You were a bit of a dick last night.” “I will when I get over it,” JJ said. “But right now I don’t even think Y/N and I are friends anymore.” John B. set his cup down. “What?” “She hurt me,” JJ said. “All this time we hung out and then she’d run off to Trent. It sucks knowing the person you love loves somebody else.” “You don’t mean that, JJ. You two have been friends for so long that I don’t think either of you can remember a time when you guys weren’t in each other's lives.” “Everything has to come to an end eventually,” JJ said. “Y/N and I aren’t an exception.” “JJ,” John B. said, turning his body towards his friend. “I know that you’re hurting right now but don’t throw away years of friendship.” “What else can I do? The only other option would be to watch as she and Trent start dating and I’ll have to listen to her talk about what a ‘perfect’ boyfriend he is. It’ll be weird, JB.” “Do you still love her?” “Yeah,” JJ said without pausing. “That’s why I don’t want to be around her. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret and make it awkward for all of us.” JJ sipped on his coffee. “Look, I’m hurt by what she did but I don’t hate her. I’m trying to do the right thing here.” “Which is?” “Making sure things aren’t awkward between us. I don’t want her to think I like her so she can be with Trent, worry free.” John B. kept his mouth sealed, knowing that JJ’s wound was still fresh. He wanted to tell the blond that his plan was cowardly and convince him to talk to you, even if it felt uncomfortable, but John B. knew JJ wanted to talk it out. The boy knew his best friend overthought more than he liked to admit. “Okay,” John B. said. “You do what’s best for you.” The brown-haired boy knew he would have to speak to Pope about this and, hopefully, have Sarah explain your side of the story to him. “Thanks, JB,” said JJ, taking his cup into the spare room. John B. pulled his phone out and texted Sarah, hoping this was all just a big misunderstanding. A day passed without you seeing JJ. It was easy not to see as you refused to step out of your house and you felt extremely lucky your parents had to prepare for some big event at the Thorton’s, leaving you alone with the house for most of the day. Sarah and Kiara had stayed over the previous night but had to part ways per Kiara’s job and Sarah’s obligation to her father’s work, leaving you with your thoughts. You knew you were both at fault for not speaking up sooner and you chastised yourself for not thinking about JJ’s feelings during this proposition. To you, JJ was just a friend helping you learn how to be confident in the bedroom, and the unfortunate side effect was you falling in love with your best friend. Perhaps you were too selfish when you realized it for the first time, caving into the delicious feeling of JJ’s attention on you like there was no one else he would rather look at. On one hand, you knew it wasn’t your fault that JJ wouldn’t listen to what you had to say, but you blame yourself for putting him in that position. You were positive he didn’t like you back and it made you feel even more embarrassed, knowing you had talked JJ into not caring in the slightest about Trent or your love life. 

You knew you’d have to face him eventually, but you were putting it off as much as you could. You’d brave it for your friends and you’d try your best not to feel affected by the way JJ dismissed you like you two hadn’t been best friends since birth. But it would be hard and you knew that when your eyes landed on a photo of you and him, framed on the top of your dresser from last summer after you two had jumped off of a tall cliff. He had convinced you to face the height and offered to jump in with you and it was such a fulfilling moment that you wanted to commemorate that glorious day by framing a photo of you and JJ after emerging from the lake. 

That memory felt like it was created in another lifetime. There was no doubt in your mind that you’d miss the way JJ would encourage you to face your fears and break your habit of choosing not to pursue something if it seemed too difficult. He, physically and metaphorically, held your hand through thick and thin, and never once made you feel like your problems were insignificant. 

Of course, you both knew you were a Kook by birth and the stereotypes that came with that status. Neither you nor JJ were aware what titles meant until you both got older and started to care about what others thought of you, and there was a moment when you were worried about what the future of your friendship would look like. You knew how JJ was, brash and hot-headed, but JJ never treated you like he did with other Kooks. JJ always reminded you he knew who you were, deep down, and never wanted to ruin a friendship because of what other people had to say. 

You wished you could go back to simpler times when you didn’t worry about having feelings for your best friend and ruining the friendship in the process. You wished you never gave Trent your number and you wished that someone else had picked up Kiara the night he approached you. You wished that summer was going to end on a happy note before everybody left for college, just like you had planned months ago. But you were sitting in the middle of your bed, blinking rapidly to prevent tears from falling after having desperately tried not to cry for the past hour. 

For a moment, your mind wandered to how JJ was dealing with the aftermath of the night before. Was he torn apart like you were? Was he overthinking what he said and how he reacted like you were? Or was he nonchalant, barely thinking about you because he meant what he said? You couldn’t decide which of the three scenarios were worse and didn’t want to dwell on feeling sorry for yourself for too long. Part of you wanted to tell your mother everything that happened in the past few weeks and how this situation made you confront your feelings for JJ, like she had always hinted at, but you knew she’d react terribly if she knew the whole truth. 

Your fingers hovered over the keyboard in the group chat message you had with Kiara and Sarah, but you tossed your phone to the side after coming to the conclusion that you were being bothersome by reaching out to them after they had comforted you all morning. You already lost one friend and you didn’t want to risk losing two more. 

You had considered asking Pope to talk to JJ for you, after talking yourself out of calling JJ, to have him explain your side of the story. But the thought was ludicrous; Pope was close with JJ and you thought he’d most likely believe his story over yours. Your mind wandered to the idea of JJ telling Pope everything he told you last night and you anticipated feeling embarrassed upon realizing Pope would side with him. He was a close friend, sure, but you knew he and JJ were closer. You weren’t sure if he would play the middleman this time and bridge the gap between you and JJ, so you disregarded asking Pope for a favor. 

John B. was your last resort and you were putting asking him for help on hold. He was equally close with you and JJ, and John B. expressed numerous times how he viewed you as his younger sister during the many years you two had been friends despite being a few months younger than him. He had always been of sound mind when you felt like you couldn’t think properly, acting as your guide to bring the best out of you. John B. was always gentle, knowing that you always wanted to please everyone while navigating your way through your own life, especially when it came to learning how to put people in their place when it was needed. 

But again, you came to the conclusion that he’d most likely side with JJ. The boy loved him like a brother and they were the two “founding” members of the friend group. John B. and JJ, two peas in a pod. You knew that they were inseparable and they always managed to fix each argument within the hour. It hurt to know that John B. would likely believe JJ without hearing your story, but in that moment, you decided the best idea was to keep your thoughts to yourself and wait until you felt less emotional to act. 

“Life is so fucking unfair,” you complained, staring at the framed photo across your bed before walking towards it, facing the photo down. You were, metaphorically, trying to get over the embarrassment of your failed attempt at confessing your feelings to JJ, and you were trying not to think about how either of you would react when you both saw each other for the first time since you left him at the Boneyard. 

You genuinely didn’t know if you’d be friends with the Pogues after that day. The group would never be the same and you anticipated the both you and JJ acting awkward around each other if you continued to hang out together. While you were willing to put your pride and feelings aside to keep the group together, you knew that JJ would pretend you weren’t there and try his best not to interact with you. You didn’t know how you’d react if he brought a girl with him or what you’d do if JJ talked about liking another girl. 

The whirlpool of thoughts made your head dizzy and you opted to lay on your pillow, choosing to fall fast asleep to avoid overthinking.  

JJ counted the days that he hadn’t seen you. It had been four days since the Boneyard incident and he had successfully avoided you and the embarrassment that came with realizing he was utterly in love with you while you showed romantic feelings for someone else. JJ knew he was being irrationally idiotic when he decided the best way to deal with his feelings was to avoid you because he knew he’d have to talk to you at some point. He didn’t know what the friendship between the six of you would look like and he wasn’t too eager to find out. 

His mind was preoccupied with finding ways to avoid you -- and talking about you -- that he hadn’t spent any time thinking about how he’s act, and how you’d act, when you two saw each other for the first time. JJ figured you’d try to avoid him and make small talk when necessary, and if he was being honest with himself, he might’ve done the same. When he woke up earlier that morning, it seemed as if JJ couldn’t forget the friendship that was lost between the both of you. Instead, his mind kept replaying the moment he looked away from you and the conversation he had with John B. JJ was sure Kiara and Sarah had comforted you, and that you confided in both girls, causing the blond to become fearful that he might’ve lost three friends in the process. 

Everything about you captivated him and JJ cursed this because the both of you weren’t on speaking terms. He did his best to preoccupy himself with working at the garage shop, hanging out with John B. and Pope, or sitting by himself in a clearing where nobody would bother him, but it was no use. Neither being alone nor being around other people prevented JJ from thinking about you and it hurt him to know you might not be thinking about him the way he thought about you. 

Pope had put two and two together after Sarah explained what happened between you and Trent. She had found Pope walking by The Wreck the day after she looked after you and told him everything you told her, including how Trent was someone you thought you liked until you realized you were projecting your feelings for JJ onto him because you were scared about ruining a friendship. The boy sat with his mouth wide open and Sarah desperately asked him to talk to JJ, knowing that neither one of you would be the first to say ‘I’m sorry.’ “I’m just going to say it even if it’s the last thing you want to hear,” Pope said angrily, his voice raised. “Then why say it at all?” JJ barked back. “Because you’re my best friend and Y/N is the little sister I never had,” Pope replied with his nose flaring. He could feel his throat growing sore but paid no mind. JJ stood and leaned back, waiting for Pope to speak. “When things seem to be working out for you, you pull away. You hate it when it seems like your life’s going the way you want it to because you think something bad’s gonna happen. You reject people before they have the chance to do it to you because you’re afraid of feeling like something is being taken away from you. “And, man, I get it. You don’t have a perfect life and you’re used to things going south. You’re used to giving that you can’t enjoy a good thing while it’s happening. Your first instinct is to cut people off and shut them out before you even consider listening to what they have to say and working things out.” JJ looked at the wooden floor and noticed the few splinters sticking up. He made mental notes of where to avoid stepping until John B. got them fixed or filed them down.

“On the night of the last kegger, Y/N broke things off with Trent before seeing you,” Pope explained. “She told him nothing about their relationship felt right because she likes you, JJ. Y/N was at The Boneyard to tell her how she felt about you.” 

JJ’s eyes widened with surprise and he, for once, felt like he wasn’t able to refute what his best friend was saying. Of all the things he imagined in his head, you confessing you liked him more than a friend was not remotely on his list. “Y/N is good for you,” Pope said. “She’s been your best friend since you could walk. She knows how you operate, what you like and don’t like, and how to help you when you’re going through it with your dad. She deals with all of your shit because she loves you, JJ. If you love her like you say you do, you need to accept that she’s going to see things you don’t want her to see.” “Pope,” JJ said, his voice cracking. His body didn’t move and he felt paralyzed in his spot. Pope didn’t hesitate to react and pulled JJ into a hug, patting him on the back for assurance. “You know you’re good for her too. You wouldn’t have agreed to whatever it was that was going on between you two if you didn’t think you were good enough for her. JJ, I don’t think there’s anyone in the world who thinks you’re not good enough for her. You’re not a screw up either. We all have things we’re dealing with on our own even if we don’t show other people. You don’t want to waste your friendship with her over something as stupid as a misunderstanding, right?” “No,” JJ said, wiping his eyes. “No, I don’t.” “Then get your ass out of here and tell Y/N you love her,” Pope said, pointing at the door. “Apologize to her and listen to what she has to say.” “What if I feel like I’m starting to shut her out again?” “Breath and tell yourself you deserve good things to happen. There’s always gonna be something that doesn’t go your way but it doesn’t mean your life has to end there.” “Thanks, Pope,” JJ said. He walked towards the door and Pope followed, watching as his friend walked outside and took John B’s bicycle to your house. Pope couldn’t help but smile because he knew JJ was willing to be vulnerable if that meant mending two broken hearts. When your doorbell rang, you ignored it, thinking it was overnight mail. You paid no mind to the sound and continued to scroll on Instagram on your phone but you were pulled out of your concentration when you heard the doorbell ring for a third, fourth, and fifth time. Angrily, you lifted the covers of your comforter off of your body and marched downstairs with your hand gripping your phone tightly, ready to raise your voice at whoever was bothering you while you tried to forget about a boy who forgot about you. 

But when you opened the door, JJ stood with John B’s bicycle, his chest rising and falling. 

“Hey,” he said casually, his eyes darting anywhere but you. 

“Hi,” you replied, a frown apparent on your lips as your eyebrows creased. 

“I, uh, biked all the way here from The Cut,” he said awkwardly, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Am I supposed to congratulate you, or something?” you asked sarcastically after a brief pause, crossing your arms over your chest while you waited for JJ to answer you.

“No, you’re not,” he retorted. “I’m trying to apologize but I didn’t think about how I’d start this conversation.” 

When JJ realized you weren’t saying anything and opted to listen, he spoke again. 

“Pope told me why you were at The Boneyard,” he began. 

“What did he tell you exactly?” 

“He told me you broke things off with Trent and came to the party to tell me you liked me,” JJ finished. He looked at you. “And I assumed the worst before you could say anything.” 

“You never let me explain myself,” you said, straightening your posture. “You told me you didn’t want anything to do with me and that you’d stop worrying about what I did if I did the same for you.”

“I was hurt,” he explained. “There’s no good excuse for me to say that and I know it. But what I said was because I was hurt by you talking about Trent when I wanted to tell you I was in love with you.” 

JJ’s confession made your eyes widen. 

“What?” 

“I’m not saying that just because Pope told me you liked me either,” JJ said confidently. “You know I’m not good at this ‘talking about your feelings’ shit, but you know I tell you everything. I waited too damn long to tell you how I feel and it caused us to nearly lose our friendship.

“And I’m sorry for saying those things because it’s not right to make your best friend feel like they’re replaceable. I’m sorry for not letting you tell your side of the story because it’s unfair to let my voice be heard and not yours. I’m sorry for waiting this long to tell you how I feel about you, but I’m not sorry for loving you in the first place.” 

The both of you looked at one another and JJ was scared for your reaction. 

“That’s one hell of an apology,” you said after a moment of silence. JJ laughed. 

“Yeah, I didn’t think that one out. I probably could’ve done better.” 

You shook your head. “It means more to me that you didn’t plan it out because it lets me know that’s how you really feel.”

“I love you,” he said. “It’s not some casual thing I’m saying, Y/N. I can’t remember a time when you weren’t the most important person in my life and I can’t help but love you.” 

“I love you too, idiot,” you said. JJ smiled at the nickname. “I’m sorry for putting you in that position when I was with Trent. You didn’t deserve to watch me go after some guy when you liked me more than a friend.” 

“Thanks,” said JJ. He chuckled. “Things would’ve been easier if I had let you talk at The Boneyard, huh?” 

“Maybe,” you replied with a delicate smile. 

“Would it be weird if I asked you if I could kiss you?” 

“Only if you didn’t kiss me.” 

JJ leaned forward, not caring that he was tossing John B’s bike into your bushes. He hastily put both of his hands on either side of your jaw, letting his lips press onto yours with the euphoric feeling of kissing his best friend after having confessed. 

“Do you want to come in?” you asked him, stepping inside of your house as you pulled his hands away from your jaw so that you could hold them. You bit your lip and JJ’s eyes widened, understanding your subtle hint. 

“What about your parents?”

“They’ll be gone all weekend for an event,” you explained, pulling him inside. JJ closed the door behind him and you locked it without breaking eye contact, walking forward until you felt JJ’s back pressed against the doorframe. 

“It’s convenient that they’ve been out of town for the past month,” he said, looking down at you. 

“I say we take advantage of the house,” you said. JJ raised his eyebrow. 

“Do you?” 

“It’s my house, Maybank,” you said as you licked your lips, pulling him up the stairwell. “If I want you to take me to my bedroom, you’ll take me to my bedroom.” 

“Fuck,” he cursed as he watched you lead him to the familiar door he’d seen many times before. 

“Are you sure about this?” he asked you once you both were inside your room, your hands tracing along the sides of his torso. You pushed up the fabric of his t-shirt as they went and he could feel the coldness of your fingertips grazing along his skin. You nodded, your bottom lip finding refuge between your teeth. 

“We’ve already slept together, J,” you said. He raised his arms up over his head to allow you to pull the shirt fully over his head and toss it onto the floor beside your bed. Once it was off, he hand found your chin, forcing you to make eye contact with him. 

“This is different and you know it,” he sighed. Your eyes flickered down to his slightly parted lips. 

“Is it now?” you asked, your shaky breathing betraying whatever confidence you’d previously displayed. It only took him a second to capture your mouth on his own. You could feel the yearning through his skin with his grip on your jaw apparent. 

His fingers danced down your body until they rested just underneath your shorts, toying with the hem of your cut-offs as his tongue made its way down your throat. Everything about him just felt so much better than before, like he wasn’t holding anything back; and it was incredible. JJ knew he didn’t have to hide his feelings for you anymore and he knew he didn’t have to metaphorically show his love and appreciation for you as his best friend and lover. JJ could show you how he felt about you and he wasn’t about to waste any time. 

“Take these off,” he grumbled against your lips as he snapped the waistband of your shorts. You nodded, distancing yourself from him with a pout so that you could shimmy the shorts down your legs, missing the feelings of his hands around your jaw. 

“Your turn,” you said, motioning towards the cargo shorts on his legs. 

“You’re hot when you’re bossy,” he said, tossing his shorts in the same general direction of his shirt before reconnecting your lips. The two of you somehow managed to maneuver yourselves to the foot of your bed, your knees buckling as he sat you down on the down filled comforter. Your hand found his clothed length as he stared down at you. 

“I want you,” you said. 

“That’s good, because I’m desperate for you,” he said. You could feel him hardening under your touch. “You’ve got too many clothes on, don’t you think?”

You hummed in response before slipping your tube top over your head gingerly, watching as JJ’s eyes never left your body. It hadn’t really crossed his mind that you hadn’t been wearing a bra under it until he saw your breasts in full, your nipples standing at attention from the feeling of the cool air hitting them. 

“Fuck, baby,” he groaned before pulling on of them between his teeth. The other was quickly taken care of by his right hand, his index and thumb twisting and rolling the peak. A whine slipped out of you before you could stop it and JJ felt his cock twitch at the sound. He pulled back from you with a pop as he leaned you back against the duvet, your legs still dangling over the side as he looked down at you. 

“Are you sure you want this?” he asked again. 

“I trust you, JJ,” you groaned. “Now, please do something.”  

“I’m gonna do so much more than fuck you,” he said before removing his blue boxer briefs, his cock slapping against his torso. You lipcked your lips at the sight and gripped the bedsheets. “I’m gonna make you feel so good you’re gonna beg for another round.”

“Please,” you mumbled as his lips slanted against your throat. “I need you so bad.”

You felt him bite down on your pulse point, his canines nearly piercing the skin. He pulled back to admire the bruise before making his way down your body, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses on your skin. The fabric of your panties grew damper, both from your own juices and his saliva as he kissed your clit through them. JJ’s hand slowly stroked his cock as he teased you and he moaned when he felt your hips push themselves forward underneath his tongue. Your hands found his tousled blond locks as the two of you made eye contact, his eyes half-lidded as he looked up at you from between your thighs. 

“JJ,” you whined. 

“Patience, baby. I’m just getting started,” he said. Still, he moved back from where he was so that he could pull the flimsy piece of clothing down your legs as his middle finger delved between your folds. “So pretty and wet for me.”

“Only for you,” you said. 

“I have so much I want to do with you, baby, but I’m so hard right now. I don’t know if I can resist not being inside of you much longer,” he punctuated the sentence with a moan. 

Your hand wrapped itself around his cock, desperately trying to push him inside of you. He let you pull him close enough so that the head was just barely pressing into your entrance before slapping your hand away. 

“Do I need to say it again?” he asked, grabbing your hips and tugging you so that you were mere inches away from falling off the edge of the bed.  

“Patience is a virtue,” you said. “One I don’t have.”

He paused for a moment. “Do you remember that time you called me and asked me to teach you how to touch yourself?”

“Yeah, what does that have-”

“Do you remember?”

“Yes, I do,” you sighed, bucking your hips in an attempt to get him inside of you. 

“You think you can show me what you learned while I fuck you?” he asked. You nodded as your hand slipped between the two of you, ghosting over your clit. You would’ve done anything he asked in that moment if it meant he had his way with you. 

The head of his cock dipped into you fully at that point, the rest of his length following shortly after until he was bottomed out. He stalled with a groan. 

“You’re gonna be the death of me,” he said before starting up a steady rhythm with his hips. It seemed that every snap of his hips sent your mind spiraling deeper into the haze that was JJ Maybank. 

“J, I’m not gonna last much longer,” you whimpered, clenching around him. From the way you felt his cock twitching, you knew he wasn’t going to either. 

“I love you,” he whispered as he leaned down to press his forehead against yours. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, J,” you moaned as you felt your orgasm wash over you, the pleasure rolling over you in waves. His hips stuttered for a moment, his cum coating your walls in thick, hot ropes. The euphoric mixture of being able to finish inside of you while simultaneously allowing himself to show you how much he loved you washed over him like a newfound grace. 

“Fuck,” he said. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

“It’s okay,” you said with a small laugh. He leaned back to pull out of you, his gaze dropping as he watched a mix of both of your cum drip out of you. 

“I’m gonna get hard again, holy shit,” he said as he pushed it back up into you with his fingers. 

“We’ve got all night,” you said. 

JJ smiled. 

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” 

***

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[kyuuppi]

vegetable stew

Pairing: Kenma x Reader (f)

Contents: hurt/comfort; angst and fluff; body dysmorphia; eating disorder (negative thoughts, fat shaming, insecurity, mentions of starvation)

Word Count: 2.1k

Kenma has always been observant.

It was a large part of his success as a setter and even now his keen observational skills contribute to his career as a professional gamer. He tends to notice things others don’t and lately that means noticing how you’ve changed.

The more he thinks about it the more difficult it is to pinpoint the exact starting point of your behavior. Haven’t you always preferred baggy clothing?

He remembers the pretty blue sweater you used to treasure back in high school, wearing it every chance you got as soon as the weather report hinted at anything lower than 10°C. He loved that sweater too—not just because of the cute sweater paws it gave you or how it almost completely covered the shorts you wore beneath, offering an unobstructed view of your shapely thighs—but instead he relished in the way it seemed to make you feel. The confidence and joy in your expression was clear as day when you wore your favorite outfits and early on in your relationship he had quickly learned that somehow your happiness was synonymous to his own.

Hence Kenma’s current frustrations in seeing that spark of joy and self-confidence gradually diminishing in the past several weeks.

Although that particular sweater had long since left your wardrobe within the first few years of university, as well-loved and worn out as it was, the more recent favorites of yours have also seemed to have gone lately. It had been a while since you had worn the short yellow polka dot dress you had been so eager to show Kenma the first day you got back from the mall with your roommates. Every pair of shorts and colorful tennis skirts had also left your weekly rotation, leaving behind only dull sweatshirts with childhood cartoon characters and baggy joggers.

Objectively, Kenma hardly cared about what you wore. If fastening a potato sack around your form made you happy, Kenma wouldn’t bat an eye—the problem stemmed from the fact these clothes didn’t make you happy. Moreover, the bland clothing brought with them their own slew of behavioral changes.

You no longer wished to go out and you avoided taking pictures of yourself, your social media suffering from an obvious lack of cheeky selfies or “outfit of the day” posts as of late. However, the most concerning change of all was your refusal to eat.

Kenma had a habit of forgetting to eat himself. He rarely felt the mild twinges of hunger, his attention generally hyper-focused on something else whether it was a game, a video needing editing, or a class project he had pushed off for far too long. It was only when his own stomach growling would startle him or the hunger pains got unbearable that he would acknowledge the human requirement of sustenance (not that the instant ramen in his cabinets provided much nutrients anyhow).

You were much more in tune with your body and, unlike him, you looked forward to eating; scheduled your days around it, even.

Your mornings began with a balanced breakfast—a meal Kenma was rarely even awake in time for—followed by a generous lunch break in which you would intentionally put everything on pause. Regardless of how much work you had to do you always made time to put everything down and have a decent lunch. It was good for your soul, you would say. A time to live in the moment and relieve yourself of stress.

For dinner you often made it a point to eat with others, whether it was going to a rowdy Korean BBQ with some friends or a dinner date at home with just him, you enjoyed sharing a meal surrounded by the people you love. On top of it all, you frequently had snacks: small bags of crackers, slices of fruit, or a few cookies you made yourself.

You loved cooking almost as much as you loved eating; most of the times he invited you over you brought a large bag with you filled to the brim with ingredients he wouldn’t have a clue what to do with. You would chastise him about his awful eating habits, grimacing at the ramen and chip wrappers overflowing in the kitchen trash can before you diligently prepare a meal for you both, healthy and flavorful, full of the vegetables he hadn’t had since the last time he went home to visit his mom.

You made him look forward to meal times too, if only to see the way you light up when he compliments your cooking or the pure bliss when you take the first bite of your favorite side dish. Eating with you became one of his favorite parts of the day.

And so that last time you made him dinner—a steaming plate of curry with shrimp tempura—the normally delicious food suddenly turned sour on his tongue when he realized you had only made him dinner.

“I’m just not very hungry today,” you had assured him with a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes.

Foolishly, he hadn’t said anything at the time.

Maybe you had a large lunch, maybe you had a stomach ache, maybe you just didn’t want curry today—at that point in time he had no reason to think there was something seriously wrong. He had no reason to think you were starving yourself.

It wasn’t until weeks later when all the evidence stacked up, the many different signs piecing themselves together like a puzzle until it was impossible not to see the picture, even if a few were still missing.

Your baggy clothing, your refusal to eat anything, your off-handed comments about how the female characters in whatever fighting game he was playing had such nice figures—it became crystal clear what you were doing and it made him feel sick.

Kenma doesn’t generally care about others’ looks; he tends to worry more on how he is perceived than how he perceives others but he is confident that he rather likes your body as it is. He would rather die than admit how often he finds his gaze wandering when your legs are bare or how his eyes naturally trace the curve of your waist down to the width of your hips his fingers twitch to touch—he has had many thoughts about your body, none of which have ever been negative.

Even so, he doesn’t mind if you want to change yourself. He isn’t foolish enough to think he has the right to dictate how you decide to present yourself to this world, but he refuses to allow the reason for your change to be one that stems from low self-esteem or insecurity.

When you step into Kenma’s apartment, weary from a long day of classes and the extra hours spent at the gym, the last thing you expect is to be greeted by the scent of some type of stew, warm and hearty. Your stomach clenches longingly but you quickly reprimand yourself—you already reached your tiny caloric limit for the day.

You have hardly made it into the living room when Kenma comes out from the kitchen, dyed hair tied in a low bun but messy, several strands poking out and sticking across his sweaty forehead. A dark blue apron is tied around his waist and his right hand holds a ladle, the perfect image of a frazzled housewife. If you weren’t so shocked by the scene you would have laughed.

“Welcome back,” he greets softly.

“Are you...cooking something?”

Kenma looks slightly embarrassed by your incredulous tone but not offended. In all the years you have known Kenma you have never seen him in the kitchen for longer than the three minutes required to heat up a bowl of noodles. Him slaving away in front of the stove for a bowl of homemade soup is nearly unfathomable to you.

“Vegetable stew...it’s my mom’s recipe,” your boyfriend explains sheepishly.

The mental image of Kenma shyly FaceTiming his mother as she patiently walks him through chopping up carrots and mixing spices makes your lips twitch upwards and you make your way past him to curiously survey his work.

“You didn’t have to go through the effort, I could have cooked you something, y’know,” you comment as you lean over the large pot on the stove.

The contents are a rich brown color with hints of potatoes, carrots, and onions peaking out. You’re gifted another pang of hunger and you quickly step back as if it would prevent you from falling into temptation.

Kenma quietly slips into the kitchen directly behind you, his chest nearly brushing your arm as he speaks.

“It's okay, I wanted to cook for us this time.”

You freeze.

Immediately, you break into a cold sweat, the prospect of eating sending you into a state of anxiety. You can’t eat—you don’t deserve to eat. Not when your arms are so flabby, your waist so undefined, your inner thighs so close to each other—

“I appreciate it,” you start.

Your voice sounds unnaturally high even to your own ears.

“But I’m not hungry—I had a really big lunch.”

Turning, you try to offer him an apologetic smile but his face looks off. His lips are pulled into a slight frown and his eyes seem to be looking through you, as if he knows you’re lying.

“Y/n...I don’t like what you’re doing.”

You attempt to laugh but it comes out hollow.

“I’m not doing anything bad, just dieting a bit.”

“I think you’re being a little extreme.”

You huff, starting to feel defensive. You don’t want to have this conversation, not now, not ever.

“Kenma, I’m totally fine, I promise.”

“I’m worried about you,” he insists.

“I’m telling you there’s nothing to worry about, I’m being safe.”

“Skipping meals isn’t healthy.”

“Kenma, being this fat isn’t healthy!”

The words escape before you can think to stop them and you can already feel the shame pricking at your eyes as you turn away. You don’t want to see your boyfriend’s look of disgust once he realizes you’re right, once he realizes how fat and unattractive his girlfriend is. Kenma is skinny, he deserves a petite girlfriend who is just as tiny, a girl with slender legs that look cute in shorts and a stomach that lays flat regardless of the time of day. He deserves the sexy girls in his video games, in shape from years of training and perfected suited for tight leather bikini tops.

You don’t realize you’re shaking until Kenma wraps his arms around your shoulders, burying his face into the side of your neck. He lets out a shuttered sigh and if you didn’t know any better you’d think he’s crying as well.

“I love you,” he murmurs against your skin, “and I don’t like seeing you hurting yourself. If you want to lose weight, I’ll help you. We can make healthy foods together and eat them together and exercise together—just please stop skipping meals.”

Your throat feels like it's stuffed with cotton so you can only nod in agreement, raising one hand to weakly wipe at the hot tears staining your cheeks.

The two of you stand like that, huddled in the middle of the kitchen, for several long minutes until the last of your tears have gone before Kenma gently pushes you to sit down at the coffee table. He prepares two steaming bowls full of vegetable stew for you both and you silently eat as Kenma tells you how low calorie the broth is and how many nutrients his mom said were in the vegetables he used. He tells you about a new fitness game on the Nintendo Switch that you two can play together. By the time you finish your meals, Kenma has already promised to wake up early to go jogging around the neighborhood together even though you know he absolutely hates waking up early and exercising when he doesn’t have to.

Your chest aches with how much he loves you, how far he’s willing to go just if he thinks it will help you and make you happy.

A small part of your mind begs you not to listen. It insists you’ll be fat forever if you don’t starve yourself; no pain, no gain. But the more rational part of you gazes into those soft golden eyes, filled with concern and love as he rambles on about the best sources of protein—all stuff he had learned from his professional volleyball player friend Hinata—and you know your answer.

Kenma loves you, he would do anything to see you happy and healthy and you would do anything to please him.

You love him more than you hate yourself.

[moxfirefly]

I!! Have an request!! If you want, thats up to you! But how about the turtles have a friend (the reader) and no matter what they see hints of or how it seems she just doesnt seem to be in a relationship ever and then leo starts acting "odd" (in love) and one day michelangelo of all people catches leo and the reader in a romantic (or heated) moment! What do you think would happen? How would they handle their older brother in love? 😂 i just thought itd be a funny one-shot

Ok I’ve been wanting to tackle this for a while now and ima do my best for you friend, also I hope this reaches cause I know it’s been tough so I send you lots of love💕

Blue boi all in lovey dovey

Rated Mature (Romance but will a little sprinkle of smut) 18+ Only

Raphael squinted his eyes.

For the past twenty-two minutes he’d been wondering what was wrong with this picture. His breakfast was getting cold and he’d even neglected to smack Mikey’s hand away when he stole a piece of bacon off his place.

Raphael took pride in his observation skills, often he noticed plenty of things in his environment but while Donatello ran commentary on it he usually kept the information to himself. He shared a room with his youngest brother so he knew any odd shift when it came to Mikey. He is very close with Donnie, spending a few sleepless nights by his side while the genius tinkered away at projects, even lending a hand here and there.

Leonardo for all of his hard headed ways and their personality clashes, he felt he knew him well enough too. The leader though, was much more guarded in his emotions which made for some difficult moments to completely gage his older brother.

You on the other hand were an open book, plenty of times he’d spent time with you, getting to know plenty of your ticks and thoughts. Raph considered you a close friend, a confidant he could turn to.

But as you all sat together for a late breakfast. Mikey inhaling his while Donnie’s overworked eyes looked into his coffee cup as if lifes answers laid there, Leo and you were just sitting there, suspiciously.

You were still in your sleep wear, Leo’s groggy movements mechanical as he ate on autopilot. You yawned reaching for a coffee refill and without command or hesitation Leo had pushed the creamer and sugar towards you, going so far to place the exact amount of both in your mug. You had given him a sweet smile, reaching a hand to thumb a crumb away from the corner of his mouth.

Raphael raised a brow ridge, well naturally that could translate to common kindness. You all knew each other, often April had in some form or shape probably done something similar. He poked a few pieces of eggs into his mouth, now he was intrigued.

He picked up a few more instances where his curiosities got the better of him.

For instance one afternoon while you were over he had decided to gather info. Raphael had kitchen duty and you had stuck around to help him out. “What’s up with you?” A common not so invasive question, you shrugged. “Same old, same old” You gathered plates to set the table. Raphael kept his gaze at the task at hand, cutting tomatoes for the sauce he was preparing. “Yeah but have you done anything? Gone out with friends? Maybe found your future husband?” He chuckled even more so when you nudged him with an elbow. “A forget you have a sense humor under all that angst” Raph smiled, the two of you often bickered Iike this.

Truth be told you had never mentioned a boyfriend or a girlfriend, the subject was never really breached. With the amount of time you spent in the sewers with them it never came up if you had some partner or if you even were dating. Raphael added the tomatoes into a pot, you joined his side ready to help with more cutting of condiments.

Then Leo arrived and he felt the air shift, he peaked a glance at you, a small smile playing on your lips. Leo in turn greeting the two of you before he made his way towards the fridge to retrieve something to drink. “Want something?” He asked from the fridge and honest to God Raph was very sure he wasn’t asking him. You nodded extending a hand for the soda he gave you, he leaned against the fridge and chatted you up as nonchalant as ever.

Nothing in the small chat raised any flags, Raph’s sauce almost burning from how intently he was concentrating of quite literally eavesdropping on you two. You laughed at something he mentioned, that was bizarre because Leo was seriously not even funny but he could be biased on that end.

“Your hair looks pretty that way” Leo spoke, a tad bit shyly. Raph stirred the sauce, brow ridges shooting up, ‘real smooth big bro’ he couldn’t help but think. Then again he had probably at some point told April the same thing, well they all had commented on April being pretty in all manners of ways.

But this felt just the taddest bit different?

He excused himself having to get back to whatever he was doing. Raph squatted to get something from the bottom cupboards, he didn’t miss the blush on your cheeks.

“Yer hair does look nice like that” He tested, you beamed brightly at him. “Thank you, you’re very sweet when you put your heart into it” She teased smacking a hand towel at him.

Inconclusive results.

For now.

This stupid notion continued to bother Raphael, curiosity would kill the turtle in this case. He wanted to know if truly something was amiss there and you both being friends he wondered why you just hadn’t flat out told him what was up. Nevertheless he couldn’t drop the bomb on you, you could be motorfide or maybe deny it to high hell. Asking Leonardo was out of the question, he sure as hell wouldn’t say a thing.

So Raphael kept his gaze glued as you parted ways for the night. You gave a hug and kiss to everybody, quite normal for your loving nature. He got his hug and kiss, so did Donnie, April and Mikey. Once you landed on Leo you did the same.

He could’ve sworn you lingered a little more, going so far as to whisper something to him because Leo gave a little huff of a laughter and smiled. He definitely slid his hand away from your lower back quite slowly.

Maybe, just maybe...

One patrol night he got stuck with Leo while Mikey and Donnie were doing rounds on the truck. They were scouting out a bank that was rumored to be hit soon by a group of robbers. Raph didn’t mention you, in fact he patiently waited for these robbers to possibly show up.

Something vibrated and his gaze landed on Leo who was reaching a hand into his pocket to pull out his phone. His concentrated and serious featured softening with whatever he read on the screen. He typed back something quick, shaking his head from whatever image or words or whatever had been provoked out of him. “Everything good?” Raphael asked, Leo nodded as if back to ‘normal’ and that absolutely was suspicious in his book.

That night didn’t yield any resolution and honestly it’s around this time that Raph regrets this little task that had occupied his time. He had originally decided to leave it as inconclusive, at some point You two dummies had to say or do something. He had been rummaging his room for his hand wraps, more than ready to get his nightly workout in order. When he had come up empty handed he exited towards Leo’s room, he always had them which annoyed the red banded brute.

His first mistake was not knocking or making his incoming presence known. A rookie mistake considering he lived with three young adult brothers.

His second mistake was just barging in like he owned the place. An annoyed “Jesus Leo quick taking my shit” spewing out of him.

If mistakes One and Two had been adverted he wouldn’t be standing here, wide eyed and frozen.

Because he really didn’t need to see his brother stark ass naked on top of his best friend who he basically considered a little sister, equally naked to boot. There was a solid fifteen seconds where Raphael didn’t know if he running out was the best option, mumbling a ‘shit my bad’ was better or if covering his eyes and screaming at his brother that he better be a gentlemen to you cause you’re a great gal.

Leonardo’s hands cupped your exposed breast for modesty sake, the need for the ground to dramatically open up and swallow him whole heavy in his mind. You had squeaked when Raph barged in, hands super glued to Leo’s rear and god why couldn’t you scream and let go and scream some more.

Raphael finally turned around, an embarrassed heat breaking over his body as he groaned in disgust. “Shit fuck, sorry sorry! I didn’t see shit!” Oh but he did and oh did he crave bleach. “Raph get out! This is why you knock!” Leo chucked a pillow at his brothers shell. You had finally let go of Leo’s rear, covering your face in mortification. “Hang a sock or something outside then!! I can’t read minds!” Raph bellowed.

Mistake number 3 happened because Raphael was a drama Queen through and through and the shouting only helped to alert his brothers towards the room.

“Can you two not fight for five whole minu-OH GOD SORRY!” Donatalleo had exited as quickly as he had approached the room. Mikey thankfully barely saw anything since Raph and Donnie yanked him out which Leo was thankful, he knew Mikey would never let this situation go.

A very quiet hour passed by.

Nobody wanting to say anything. Mikey had left for the tunnels to skateboard for a while. Donnie had thrown himself into truck repairs not even wanting to discuss what his eyes had briefly seen.

And Raphael had sat on the couch, every few minutes making a face whenever his brain decided to bring back the nights events. He heard movement from Leo’s room, the small pitter patter that belonged to your feet. Raph kept his gaze down, whatever playing on the tv long forgotten, he saw your feet when they tentatively approached the couch.

“Um Raph” Your tone was hushed.

“Didn’t see anything, matter of fact nothing happened” Raph grabbed the remote, you sat down and sighed. “Listen you weren’t the one with your tits out here” You crossed your arms grumbling, Raph almost chortled but then he remembered Leo and simply made a face.

“Why didn’t you tell me you and him were a thing? We’re friends, I mean you can do better but you know” He smiled when he felt your elbow smack his arm. “He’s really nice don’t be so mean” You sat back on the corner, Raph looked at you, you were wearing an oversized shirt clearly spending the night.

“Sorry for ah, not knocking” Raph spoke softly.

“Sorry for no telling you I had it bad for your brother” You smirked, enjoying Raph’s disgruntled expression.

You scooted close and hugged his massive arm, Raph smiled. “He better be good to ya... and well, don’t break his heart, he’s an ass but he’s my big brother” You nodded against his arm.

You had stayed for a little before returning back to Leo’s room, the leader was reading on his bed but quickly looked up when you came in. “Everything alright?” He asked tentatively. You nodded climbing into bed and in between his legs to lay on him. “We could’ve so gone a better way telling everybody, at least it’s out and we can just be ourselves” You rested against him, Leo’s chin a top your head.

He wrapped his arms tightly around you and smiled. “I’m never living this down but I’m happy we can just be ourselves” He poked your sides earning an earnest squeal from you.

Outside Raphael could hear the quiet giggling and laughter. He was happy for the two of you, it made sense.

Mikey walked in, board in hand and sweaty from skating for hours.

“So Leo loses his V card first, huh brah?”

Raphael groaned.