#love me some trans dean | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

redgoldsparks · 2 months ago

Text

Podcasts I love and recommend

I spent a truly extraordinary amount of time listening to podcasts this year, including my perennial faves and some new discoveries! I wanted to write up a bit about each of the ones I recommend the most highly, and give them some of the same attention and love I put into my book reviews. Recs below the cut. (This post brought to you by my patreon).

MATERIAL GIRLS- This is, hands down, my favorite podcast of all time. Friends and scholars Hannah McGregor and Marcelle Kosman take on a new pop culture subject in each episode and examine the material conditions and historical setting that made their subject of the week zeitgeisty. They bring an expansive feminist lens, different types of critical theory, and tons of humor to each topic. I feel like I am slowly getting a media studies degree one episode at a time as I listen to this show. Some of my favorite episodes tackled Jurassic Park, Dopamine, Twilight, Taylor Swift, Bridgerton, and Queer Eye. I have guested on this podcast and also support them on patreon so I can get all of that sweet sweet bonus content! (This show uploads full transcripts but they lag behind the audio episodes in updates).

GENDER REVEAL- Journalist, writer, and now small-press founder Tuck Woodstock interviews trans folks on a wide range of topics. A characteristic episode includes some deeply intimate or tender moments mixed with wild tangents, extreme silliness and irreverence. I listen to every single episode and also back them on patreon for the extra episodes; some recent conversations that have really stuck with me include Colby Gordon, a founder of Early Modern Trans Studies; trans historian Susan Stryker; Jewish anti-Zionist comic author Solomon J Brager; writer Lucy Sante; and multimedia artist (and friend of mine) Shing Yin Khor. This podcast gets a special award for recommending more books that I actually end up reading than any other podcast. This year alone I’ve read at least 6 books by authors Tuck has interviewed (I Heard Her Call My Name, Heavyweight, Hijab Butch Blues, Transgender History, Boys Weekend, Practical Anarchism, Falling Back in Love With Being Human) and I have more on my TBR (The Prospects, When Monsters Speak). (This show also uploads full transcripts).

PUBLISHING RODEO- This is a new fav! I discovered this podcast over the summer and binged all 44 available episodes in about a month. Hosts Sunyi Dean and Scott Drakeford are friends and fellow Tor authors. In 2022, they both released debut novels in the same genre, in the same year, with the same publisher, to very different results. They are remarkably candid about the nuts and bolts of their publishing deals, and in each episode interview another author, usually one early in their publishing career, on signing agents, selling books, the size of their advance, resulting royalties and more. I have learned so much about the publishing industry from this show- I’ve sold 3 books, and yet it turns out there’s still loads I don’t know. I’d recommend starting with the intro episode in which Sunyi and Scott introduce themselves and then you can jump around to any interview which interests you. Their recent conversation with Chuck Tingle was especially delightful. (This show also uploads full transcripts).

PRINT RUN PODCAST- Another new discovery, also about the publishing/writing industry. Hosts Laura Zats and Erik Hane are both literary agents at a small agency they founded together. They discuss current events in the book news world or focused single subjects, often for early career writers. Because this show is more focused on current events, I haven’t dived super far into their back catalog, but listened to a handful of episodes from the past two years and plan to continue listening as new episodes are released. Laura and Erik also have a very cool patreon special bonus offering- they will critique query letters and first pages submitted from listeners. I haven’t written a query letter since probably 2017, so the refresher course was extremely valuable! I’d recommend the episode The Books That Made Us as a good starting point in this show. (As far as I can tell, they do not release transcripts.)

FIC CLIQUE- This is an old favorite I have recommended before. In a standard episode, the three hosts Nic, Reid, and Brenna each bring one fanfiction to read and discuss book-club style. In the past year, I’ve been particularly enjoying some of the mini-episodes that break this format. If you want to give it a try but you’ve less interested in hearing people talk about a fandom you aren’t in, I’d suggest the episodes on Mapping Fannish Migration, Books and Fandom, and Genre and Subgenre in Fanfiction. (As far as I can tell, they do not release transcripts.)

FANSPLAINING- Tragically (for me), this beloved long-running show wrapped this summer with its final standard format episode after 9 years and 200+ episodes. However, there’s still more to look forward to! Fansplaining has shifted to become primarily a publisher of fandom related journalism, and they’ve been releasing audio versions of each article along with the text, generally recorded by the author. I find these so charming, almost like new mini episodes of the show. Find a full list of their articles here; I especially loved the recent ones on The Beatles RPF fandom (still going strong!) and Bringing Fanfiction into the Classroom. (This show has full transcripts).

SHELVED BY GENRE- In this show, the three hosts re-read popular sci-fi or fantasy book series and record long rambling episodes which both summarize and analyze their current texts. When I say they ramble… most episodes are over 2 hours, some pushing 3 hours. I started on this show when they began reading the Earthsea series by Ursula K Le Guin, which I have read multiple times in past years. I skipped their episodes on Gene Wolfe, who I haven’t read, as well as some movie and horror focused episodes. But I happily dived back in for the unit on Mercedes Lackey’s Last Herald Mage Trilogy, which was perhaps the first book with an out queer character I ever read; the queer host on the show, Michael, similarly remembers this as a foundational queer text from his teen years. I am very happy that the next author the hosts plan to discuss is William Gibson, who I might re-read to keep pace with the show. I recommend checking out their 40+ back episodes to see if there’s something you are interested in! (As far as I can tell, they do not release transcripts.)

STUFF THE BRITISH STOLE- I found this 3 season podcast sometime in the middle of the year, hosted by an Australian journalist following the trail of objects (or sometimes animals or people) the British stole during the height of their colonial reign. The episodes generally run 35-45 minutes and feature interviews, history, and usually live records of the host seeing the item, whether it’s currently in a museum, a private collection, a random high school, or the site of a foreign grave. You can jump around to whatever topic that interests you, but I can definitely recommend the episode Blood Art as one of very few in which an item is repatriated! (As far as I can tell, they do not release transcripts.)

LIVE LIKE THE WORLD IS DYING- A Margaret Killjoy and a group of queer anarchist friends rotate the hosting of this show. Once a month they release a “This Month in the Apocalypse” update which I started listening to in November and plan to keep up with going forward, but probably won’t listen to back episodes of as it’s very current-events focused. However there are other conversations/interview style episodes released between the monthly updates. Two recent interviews that really stuck with me were Spencer Sunshine on his zine “40 Ways To Fight Fascists” (which I subsequently downloaded and read) and Henri Feola on their zine “The Veil Between Worlds is Plexiglass”, which chronicles some of their experience spending 96 days in jail after being arrested protesting Atlanta’s Cop City and the police murder of Tortuguita, a protester defending the Weelaunee People’s Forest. I have a friend in Atlanta who was arrested at the same protest so I’ve been following this case; this conversation felt important and needed, as I expect there will be even more arrests of protestors in the coming years. (As far as I can tell, they do not release transcripts.)

BORROWED AND BANNED- The Brooklyn Public Library released this 7 episode limited run podcast on book bans, book challenges, how it’s affecting teachers, students, librarians and authors. I was one of several authors interviewed for the show, and you can hear my interview as a separate bonus episode; but I highly recommend listening to the whole thing because it’s a very close and personal look at these national issues- which I expect to get worse under the Trump administration. (This show has full transcripts).

SOLD A STORY- This is a 10 episode limited run podcast about how a misinformed educational specialist’s incorrect idea of how children learn to read damaged the literacy of a whole generation of school children. This podcast explores different research on reading, how sweeping educational policies like Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” impacted schools and how textbook companies pushing expensive reading-kit book sets have all negatively impacted schools. The later episodes contain messages and voicemails from parents, teachers, and students reacting to the show and some hope of change on better educational resources. I’ve probably made this sound dry but it’s genuinely a very emotional journey- as someone who really struggled to learn to read, I found this show riveting. (This show has full transcripts).

THE REDEMPTION OF JAR JAR BINKS- This 6 episode limited run show is hosted by Dylan Marron, better known as the host of Conversations with People Who Hate Me and for his role as Carlos on the podcast Welcome to Nightvale. Marron was the target of a fair amount of internet hate himself, which made him interested in how people express hate towards public figures online, and why. This led him to investigate what is possibly the first ever case of cancellation online: the rage directed at the character Jar Jar Binks in the Star Wars prequel series which began releasing in 1999, and how that hate destroyed the mental health of and nearly ended the acting career of the young Black actor who voiced and helped develop the character. Marron is a deeply compassionate interviewer, and a good researcher. He finds and talks to fans who built “kill Jar Jar Binks” websites in the days of the early web, he interviews the actor, Ahmed Best, he interviews folks involved with the production on the Star Wars prequels. I am a lukewarm Star Wars fan at best (lol) but I loved this podcast. (This show has full transcripts).

WIND OF CHANGE- I picked up this 8 episode limited run podcast because it was researched, written and hosted by Patrick Radden Keefe, the author of Say Nothing, one of the best nonfiction books I’ve ever read. In this show, Keefe digs into rumors of the CIA using cultural productions, especially pop music, as propaganda weapons against the Soviet Union during the Cold War. In particular, he’s interested in one song, “Winds of Change”, by German rock group The Scorpions which became an anthem of change shortly before the fall of the Berlin Wall and then the end of the Soviet Union. Keefe is friends with someone who does a lot of recruiting of ex-CIA folks and has also written a whole book on the CIA, so he’s not without background or connections on this subject; but the question he most wants an answer to might not be one he can ever answer. This was gripping and intriguing, and made me think a lot about soft power and propaganda more generally. (This show has full transcripts).

#podcasts #podcast recommendations #podcast recs

62 notes · View notes

and-her-saints · 5 months ago

Note

Hey sorry idk if you'd know this but I quite literally don't know where to turn about this so I'm sending this ask to every queer+catholic blog I can find

Are there *any* resources out there for queer/trans Catholics that go beyond affirmation and show how to pursue a religious life that goes beyond the laity (e.g. priesthood, joining a convent/monastery, something similar) without having to brush your queerness aside. I feel like if I don't find something soon I might go insane

years ago, i attended a Zoom event with Fr. James Alison as a keynote speaker, and something he said has been glued to my brain ever since. he said it in Spanish, so i'll try to remember, paraphrase and translate: "while they try to get us to stop being queer, what we must try to do is to be better queers."

i love what you said about "beyond affirmation" and that is precisely why i got reminded of the quote and WHY this quote resonated with me to begin with.

imho, there is a fundamental issue with a lot of queer theology and it's that it doesn't go beyond apologetics. it's not pragmatic nor does it seem to engage critically with the material conditions that work with or against queerness. and it's truly such a shame, because living "religiously" to me, as a queer catholic, it's infinitely more a matter of coherence, love, devotion and solidarity, than learning how to "reconcile" gayness/transness with the Bible.

it's a journey, of course. the apologetics were and are necessary for many of us to unlearn the hatred that might've been instilled in us through religious education and upbringing. however, here are some resources that, in my opinion, show how to pursue queer-religious-life.

💌 catholic/christian resources:

[book] The Reckless Way of Love: Notes on Following Jesus by Dorothy Day. Unlike larger collections and biographies, which cover her radical views, exceptional deeds, and amazing life story, this book focuses on a more personal dimension of her life: Where did she receive strength to stay true to her God-given calling despite her own doubts and inadequacies and the demands of an activist life? What was the unquenchable wellspring of her deep faith and her love for humanity?

[book & account] Black Liturgies: Prayers, Poems, and Meditations for Staying Human by Cole Arthur Riley. Black Liturgies is a digital project that connects spiritual practice with Black emotion, Black memory, and the Black body. In this book, she brings together hundreds of new prayers, along with letters, poems, meditation questions, breath practices, scriptures, and the writings of Black literary ancestors to offer forty-three liturgies that can be practiced individually or as a community.

[book] Cry of the Earth, Cry of the Poor by Leonardo Boff. Focusing on the threated Amazon of his native Brazil, Boff traces the economic and metaphysical ties that bind the fate of the rain forests with the fate of the indigenous peoples and the poor of the land. He shows how liberation theology must join with ecology in reclaiming the dignity of the earth and our sense of a common community, part of God's creation. To illustrate the possibilities, Boff turns to resources in Christian spirituality both ancient and modern, from the vision of St. Francis of Assisi to cosmic christology.

[book] Undoing Theology: Life Stories from Non-normative Christians by Chris Greenough. The fundamental issue with ‘queer’ research is it cannot exist in any definable form, as the purpose of queer is to disrupt and disturb. Undoing Doing generates a process of ‘undoing’ as central to queer research enquiries. Aiming to engage in a process which breaks free from traditional academic norms, the text explores three life stories

[podcast] The Magnificast. "A weekly podcast about Christianity and leftist politics. The Magnificast is hosted by Dean Dettloff and Matt Bernico. Each week's episode focuses on a unique or under-realized aspect of territory between Christianity and politics that no one taught you about in sunday school."

💌 non-christian but still excellent resources:

[book] Hijab Butch Blues by Lamya H. A memoir by a butch hijabi that follows the experiences of the author through stories and figures from the Qur'an.

[book] Lean on Me: A Politics of Radical Care by Lynne Segal. Questions of care, intimacy, education, meaningful work, and social engagement lie at the core of our ability to understand the world and its possibilities for human flourishing. In Lean On Me feminist thinker Lynne Segal goes in search of hope in her own life and in the world around her. She finds it entwined in our intimate commitments to each other and our shared collective endeavours.

i don't think these are precisely what you were looking for. but i hope these resources bring you as much peace and hope as they have brought me.

#thoughts #long long post #long post #christianity #anon #ask away #anon ask #resources #books

75 notes · View notes

archivesofthevoid · 1 year ago

Note

how the hp boys would react to trans reader suggesting pegging ? xx

Trans FtM!Reader x HP boys + their reaction to pegging

Shaking over this request /pos because ABSOLUTELY

Also I only did the main ones!! If you'd like me to do a part 2 with Seamus, Dean, Oliver, and Cedric just lmk!!

NSFW warning!! Well slightly. Nothing too explicit but it's implied. Also for ALL intents and purposes, ALL HP CHARACTERS I WRITE FOR ARE 18+! Though I would assume that's obvious by now. Just wanted to place a reminder.

Harry: We all know this man is so obviously bisexual. So really if you ask him, he might seem a bit shocked at first but ultimately he like "well,,,," and then he proceeds to think about it for like the next week. Dear Lord please save this man because his classes will be SUFFERING. No one knows what he's thinking about but his brain is obviously not in the room with him. Once he actually TRIES it though? He's into it. Maybe more than he realized-

When you ask: You're both sitting in the Gryffindor common room, probably just doing some assignments to catch up in the week when you just casually pop out the question. This causes him to mess up what he was writing and also spill his bottle of ink on his paper as he looks up at you in shock. "Uh- I'm sorry what did you say?" Oh he heard you. He just didn't think you'd ask such a thing. Que him flushing and trying to come up with the words as you just grin at him fumbling.

Ron: Viktor Krum gave him some kind of awakening, let's be real. SO with that being said, he's definitely thought about it once or twice. Once you suggest it? He's protesting left and right as if he doesn't want to do it but once again, he finds himself thinking about it a bit too much. If he tries it, he'll like it but it's not his favorite in the world per say. He'd rather give than receive yk

When you ask: You're eating breakfast of course. What a classic thing right? Let's say you have a dream about it and just,,, decide to quietly bring it up to Ron who's shoving eggs into his mouth and once you ask there's suddenly VERY loud coughing in the Great Hall. Even Harry and Hermione next to you guys are just like "Bloody hell Ron what is the matter with you??" And the KNOWING SMILE YOU HAVE ON YOUR FACE??? IT'S NOT HELPING HIS CASE HERE-

Fred: oh he's so down. Do you even have to ask? He's definitely thought about it a LOT. Come on this is Fred we're talking about here. Plus I mean he's most likely dated a few guys himself so it wouldn't exactly be foreign to him. So he's naturally nonchalant about it and agrees with it. Though after you ask him he thinks about it to the point he's just like "so are we going to or…" because come on you can't just ask him that and not expect to give him something out of it!! Don't leave our boy hanging here :((

When you ask: He's working on his latest prank in his dorm room while you and him are just chilling together. You're actually behind him, running your hands through his hair and massaging his back but your thoughts were wandering while you were behind him. So you ask if he'd be into pegging. Glancing behind you he watches your face before just going "yeah of course I've thought about it. Why? You offering, love?" And just laughs when you playfully shove him

George: This man goes awfully silent when you ask. But yes he would probably do it in a heartbeat. Whether it's because he wants to please you or because he's curious? That's up for debate. To be fair though he's probably has kissed Lee like once or twice out of curiosity, or at least dated a guy but never really like went anywhere with it. Just be gentle with this man please or else he might explode lmao

When you ask: You're at the library with George, honestly just goofing off and you're supposed to be studying but since when did you guys ever actually do that? So instead you guys decide to just chat around. Though you however get the idea to ask George this whenever you guys start talking about your dating lives and how George says he's been with a guy but not BEEN with a guy. He goes oddly silent. BUT it's kinda clear by the way his face heats up that he's into the idea. You just of course smile sweetly and reassure him that it's okay and you'd be more than happy to help him in to which he gets even FURTHER FLUSTERED but y'know it's a win win

Draco: never in his life has ever even thought about it. Probably doesn't ever consider it. You'd honestly have to beg him for it?? But after enough persuasion and such, he'd give in. He just doesn't want to bottom like that y'know? After living in a toxic masculinity household for his whole life he finds it weird to bottom. HOWEVER if he does, it's a sight to see fr. He's just gotta ease into it but luckily he trusts his lovely boyfriend aka you <33

When you ask: You're sitting on one of the couches in the Slytherin common room and it's oddly quiet because it's the weekend so there's not really anyone there (thankfully bc Draco would kill you if anyone heard you ask him this) when you're looking out the window to the Black Lake and just straight up ask. He full on STOPS reading his book and snaps his head up to you like "w h a t" before you repeat your question but louder. "No no I heard you but why the hell-" and insert you guys kind of arguing over it? But not really. It's just him being in denial and you begging him playfully.

Neville: sighhhh. You're going to have to revive him first because good job man you killed him. Gave him a heart attack right then and there. But to say the least he probably would hesitate to agree as well just because he'd be so self conscious and shy?? But after TONS of reassurance and kisses then yeah he'd agree. Just promise you will keep it between you guys because he does NOT want his friends finding out. He knows the others would tease him for it and he'd actually want to crawl away for a thousand years.

When you ask: You asked when you guys were in your dorm!! You were just cuddling after classes right before dinner, enjoying the time with each other before you had to go be with everyone else (ew gross /j) and you popped the question. When I told you this man almost let out a scream just at your question alone because IT WAS SO SUDDEN?? He then proceeded to hide away in your chest as his whole face and ears turned bright red. He looked like he had the worst sunburn oh my god. You meanwhile were just CACKLING as he was trying to stumble over his words! What even could he say though? Yes?? Maybe?? He didn't even KNOW- eventually he just gave up and waited until he calmed down to try to speak. Though you reassured him over and over the whole time <33 good luck explaining why he's going to be a nervous wreck at dinner though :))

#x reader #harry potter x reader #ron weasley x reader #draco malfoy x reader #fred weasley x reader #george weasley x reader #neville longbottom x reader #fred weasley smut #george weasley smut #draco malfoy smut #harry potter smut #neville longbottom smut #ron weasley smut #x trans reader #x trans male reader

556 notes · View notes

angelsdean · 3 days ago

Text

I do think some pockets of fandom have an issue with Dean being aligned with femininity or portrayed in feminine ways outside of "Dean wears lingerie." Like I have said multiple times, I enjoy ALL flavors of queer Dean and Dean + gender. Transmasc Dean, transfem Dean, genderfluid or nonbinary Dean, butch Dean, femme Dean, and everything in between. But it sometimes feels like the only "acceptable" interpretations are ones that focus on Dean + masculinity. When it comes to genderbending content I see so much more butch Dean. And when it's trans headcanons I see way more transmasc Dean content. And again, I love these interpretations, don't get me wrong. I love all the fanart and fics and headcanons exploring Dean's gender in these ways, and I am not criticizing fans who enjoy these flavors of Dean as I know these interpretations are often deeply personal. But I feel like people are sometimes hesitant to downright unwilling to view any other reading of Dean's relationship to masculinity / femininity / gender as a whole.

Like, another way of looking at Dean's over performance of masculinity is as a mask or costume he wears--a metaphoric oversized jacket he puts on-- to conceal his true, complicated gender feelings. Perhaps Dean feels drawn to femininity, drawn to things society has deemed are solely "feminine" such as makeup, the color pink, certain articles of clothing, etc. And perhaps he, growing up as a Gen X person throughout the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s, felt the need to hide these desires and hide his true feelings. So he overcompensates, he "butches" it up as Sam might say, not only to conceal his sexuality but also his gender. He plays up the "macho" persona so that no one will ever see what actually lies underneath that mask: someone who actually enjoys feminine things or even someone who wishes they could live life as a woman. Even in transmasc interpretations of Dean, perhaps he is over compensating with his performance of masculinity to "pass" and be accepted by other men, but deep down he actually would enjoy being able to indulge in feminine things too and yearns for being able to express himself in those ways. Perhaps the digs at Sam's long hair and other teasing comments that get written off as "early 2000s jokes" can instead be interpreted as Dean wishing he too could grow his hair out and openly enjoy traditionally deemed "feminine" things without facing societal backlash and scrutiny.

Anyway, there are so many avenues to explore re: interpretations of Dean and gender and his complicated relationship with masculinity + femininity. I hope to keep seeing ALL of them.

#dean and gender #mymeta #dean studies

45 notes · View notes

destielaureversebb · 28 days ago

Text

Coming soon for the @destielaureversebb: “Taking a Chance on Love”

Author: Raven_Fuchs @ravenfuchs Artist: @girlinthemirrorbluenight-library

Rating: Teen and Up Archive warnings: None Length: 16,140 words Tags: AU Modern, PRIDE, Community activist Dean, County extension agent Castiel, original Trans* character Relationships: Dean/Castiel, Past Dean/Lee, John Winchester/Mary Winchester; Cain/Colette; Charlie/Dorothy

Summary:

Dean, an out and proud bisexual man, works as a counselor and activist for the local LGBTQ+ community center. His last relationship had the potential of being an unending nightmare, the details of which not even his best friend and coworker Charlie knows.

Castiel, hired right out of grad school by the county extension office to protect pollinators. He’s a gay man who has never made the time to date.

A chance encounter at the local PRIDE festival brings these two men together and sets them on course for taking a chance on love.

Excerpt:

The crowd started to thin to a more manageable level as people flocked to the concession booths for food and drinks. Dean took advantage of this calm to restock some of the pamphlets when his hand brushed against someone reaching for the stack he was straightening.

"Oh, excuse me," Dean said.

"Sorry, I was just taking a closer look at this pamphlet," said the deepest, warmest voice Dean had ever heard. He looked up to see a pair of brilliant blue eyes examining him. The man standing in front of Dean was wearing a white button down shirt complete with a blue tie and dress slacks. He looked like he had come from work rather than someone attending a Pride parade.

Dean handed him a copy of the pamphlet that had caught his interest, "LGBTQ+ and Faith". The man took it and looked it over closely.

"On the back you'll see the listings for several different congregations of various faiths," Dean said.

"I just recently moved to the area," the man said.

Dean reached out a hand, "Dean Winchester. Welcome to Lawrence. I think you'll find that the town is really very friendly and welcoming. What brings you to our little slice of heaven in Kansas?"

"Pleased to meet you, Dean. Castiel Novak. I started a new job with the county extension office. My area of focus is on bees and other pollinators."

Posting date: February 9, 2025

#destiel au reverse big bang #promo post #destiel fic #destiel art #author: Raven_Fuchs #artist: girlinthemirrorbluenight

34 notes · View notes

the-mpreg-guy · 21 days ago

Note

i have nothing against cas feminizers who do it for horny reasons but I think in canon there's really strong evidence for him really enjoying masculinity and Being A Man and I love that for him...gay autistic trans guy castiel. trans as in agender -> male. but again I respect everyone as long as he's some flavor of queer and genderfucky.

dean's constant self feminization is crazy tho fr. sometimes a guy who is 6 foot 1 and built just really wants to be a tradwife ykwim? the most insane #gender moments in spn are all about dean being like. doesn't everyone fantasize about being a woman? 'joke' about being rehymenated. enjoyment of crossdressing. refers to himself as a mother multiple times. sometimes it seriously is just a matter of the text supporting a certain reading lol

I rewrote my answer to this like a billion times bc really I agree with you so much it's like I sent myself this ask.

I don't have much to add when it comes to Cas, because while I'm a huge supporter of anyone who wants to feminize him, it's not for me. He's my weird little cunty ass freak who's only horny thought is railing Dean Winchester. I'm here for peoples thoughts on his relationship with gender, but as a transgender fuckery freak myself, Cas is just so incredibly A Guy to me.

Dean literally says that if he could pick any body to come back to life in it would be a hot cheerleader. THE IMPLICATIONS? The second he gets a kitchen he tells Sam that he's nesting. He likes wearing panties, in 100% of his sex scenes the woman is always on top, he loves cooking for his family, his entire childhood was him being a single mom.

I don't think that you can necessarily say whether or not that supports Dean being into sexual feminization, but I do think that the reading is there if people want to make it (AND YES I WILL BE MAKING IT).

#dean winchester you would have loved the omegaverse #he wants to be a tradwifemommyomega SOOO badly #the sexiest deangirls are the ones that multiship him with women but all agree that he's getting pegged daily #idc who he is with he is their wife #mail #dean winchester

25 notes · View notes

emptymasks · 3 months ago

Text

so this isn't what i expected my next completed sketchcard to be. i loved and was inspired by @andyevej 's drawing of witch sam and it got me thinking wait yeah actually it would be a really cool dynamic across all seasons if sam fought with magic and dean fought with weapons, instead of when sam did have powers he was shamed for them and thought of himself as tainted. also had my eyes opened by posts talking about how sam can be read as queer instead of just looking at dean due to him feeling othered and his feeling of something being different about himself from birth that makes him feel 'wrong'. there's much potential in queer sam that i never realised before.

anyway i took the headcannon of witch sam and went what if also in college he explored himself more in terms of gender, sexuality, fashion, etc. (i think sam would find some alt fashion wearers like goths attractive and could see him being interested in a cute goth turning into him being encouraged to explore his own self expression). also i love drawing and designing outfits. and so i present whimsigoth aesthetic witch sam.

i have also made myself a little sad that the sweater-vest doesn't i drew on him doesn't exist because i would love to have one.

yes i'm very much still in my returning to supernatural brainrot, and i may have not explored myself yet when i was 13 and into spn initially, but now i'm 26 and find myself trans, neurodivergent and into alt fashion so i'm going to inject that into spn and no one can stop me, if it's not to your headcannoning taste that's fine, this art just isn't for you.

edit: dammit i missed out a word in the bottom right quote so any old reblogs with have a 'matter' missing

#i may also be tossing around the idea of headcannoning him as genderfluid #idk why my brain combined postcard + sketch into sketchcard #the back drawing i think is the weakest in terms of the outfit but i wanted to draw three sooo #sam winchester #spn #supernatural #fanart #headcannons #headcannon #whimsigoth #didnt put any jewerly in the outfits even though thats a big whimsigoth thing just cos idk my brain says sam wouldnt be big into jewerly #maybe some leather or braided bracelets but i cant see him being into lots of rings or chains i think hed find them uncomfy #myart #mine

37 notes · View notes

shallowseeker · 16 days ago

Text

THE LORE

I'm Shal. I watched SPN off and on as a teen, but I didn’t join Tumblr or the fandom until late 2022, when I was bedridden due to a heart condition.

That’s when I started reading fics like american oracle by @handsliketruth & @whiskeyjuniper, The Black Dog Ache by @winchester-reload, and Redux by @valleydean... and I was hooked. Ficlets, meta, shitposts, the whole nine. (I'm still obsessed with all of these stories, if you care.)

I'm happy to say that my heart condition is much more stable now, and I’m no longer bedridden, but I’m still on Tumblr and still having an amazing time!

///

TAGGING / WARNINGS

I’m not anti-anything, but I have a real soft spot for imperfect characters. If they come across as too polished or boring, I love digging into their flaws and exploring their Achilles' heels. (For example, I’ve paralleled Lisa Braden’s struggle with understanding grief against Jody Mills’s deeper, lived understanding of it.)

Anything I think could be challenging or a bit of a downer, I tag with #complex at the beginning—#complex john, #complex sam, #complex dean, and so on.

///

META

The meta-organization will go here... eventually. (I'm working on a #shal spn rewatch.)

Over the past couple of years, I’ve written a lot of opinions, some of which people still request. My meta tends to focus on later SPN seasons, with deep dives into Jack Kline—aiming to add variety to the ecosystem by highlighting the real, complicated Jack over the "fanon (toddler) stereotype."

A few people have called me TFW-positive, and I genuinely love Team Free Will, even when I'm mentally wringing their necks. My core focus is on Sam, Dean, Castiel, Jack, Mary, and Rowena/the MacLeod family.

Side Goals: @spnwin-reader @wheretheloveisstored

///

FICS

I post my fics on Ao3 under shallowseeker, and the new Tumblr page for them is here. (I post a lot of rapid-fire ficlets and ideas in my Tumblr posts, too.)

I write to improve my cognitive dysfunction, and I’m fascinated by religion and natural phenomena (avalanches, sinkholes, etc). My writing style has been described as chaotic, random, and weird—"like one long manic episode."

= O N G O I N G =

For your crimes against the most high (5 of 14)

Blackout on the eastern seaboard (1/2)

= C O M P L E T E D =

Truth & despair (15/15)

Mirror, mirror (1/1)

I will not be diminished (1/1)

///

OTHER STUFF

👬 pro-DeanCas (I have eyes) // 🤩 Mary stan //⭐ Jack stan // 📚 Sam / Donatello / Metatron-coded (and was told by a friend: Kevin Tran-coded)

My username @shallowseeker is a type of fishing lure, so I thought a Dean and Jack fishing theme would fit perfectly this time around!

#pinned post #navigation

22 notes · View notes

hpowellsmith · 11 months ago

Text

Recommendation request! books/stories/games with trans guy or transmasc love interests because I read a dark erotica anthology about queer masculinity* and although there were some trans guy protagonists, there weren't any trans men treated as objects of desire**, and it made me realise I've really not read many. And I would like to read more!

So I would love recommendations:

something at least a bit steamy

I'm less interested in positive rep (whatever that means) than in characters that draw you in and don't let go

I'm not very into a highly quippy/bantery sort of style of dialogue/narrative

I'm not super interested in adorable smol bean trans guy love interests currently, unless there's something weird going on with them underlying the adorableness

I don't mind bigotry being depicted, but a cis protagonist having weird feelings about the fact that they're into romancing a trans guy is not of interest to me (weird feelings about things other than the character being trans are great)

Trans protagonists are not a must but are a great bonus

Varied genres welcome especially horror and erotica, but I'm not in the mood for YA right now. I'm on the fence about contemporary romance - I loved Make You Mine This Christmas by Lizzie Huxley-Jones because it had such heart but I think it really needs to have solid, substantial foundations for me to keep focused

Some queer fiction I've enjoyed in the last year or so: The Companion by EE Ottoman, Wrath Goddess Sing by Maya Deane, Summer Sons by Lee Mandelo, Spear by Nicola Griffith, The Others of Edenwell by Verity Holloway, Real Life by Brandon Taylor, Dead Collections by Isaac Fellman, Make You Mine This Christmas by Lizzie Huxley-Jones, anything by May Peterson, anything by Rien Gray

*not to diss the anthology by any means: I liked a lot of the stories in it, and I'll be posting a bit about it at the end of the month, just that I noticed that all the guys the protagonists were interested in were cis

**in this case "love interest" wasn't really applicable because of the nature of the stories - I'm happy to read stories where the relationship isn't so much of a love thing, as well as romantic or aromantic stories but I would enjoy some spiciness and a depiction of trans men as highly desirable

#lgbt books #queer books #book recommendations

130 notes · View notes

sammygender · 9 months ago

Text

trans headcanons of the winchesters are always extremely fun to play around with and i can see most of them. but one that always rings slightly false to me, despite a love for it due to self-identification and the fact it’s definitely interesting, is transmasculine dean. simply because if you’re going according to canon this would require him to have transitioned at some point prior to johns death, probably much prior, probably as a youngish kid. and i genuinely do not think that ever could’ve happened. he values johns approval too much and is too scared of demanding too much of him.

like even aside from whether john is Actually transphobic (i doubt he’s like Cartoonishly transphobic he probably would be annoyed by it slash not care much, interpret ‘not caring’ however you want) just the whole Thing of coming out where you’re like. “Hey dad im actually a human person who has an internal sense of self and such that doesn’t happen to be You 2.0 and am not the gender you thought i was and i feel emotions to such an extent that i actually like need to transition”…….

no fucking way dean would ever be able to do that to john while he’s still alive. please. teenage transmasculine dean would be like Well yeah sure i want to be a guy but that’s not an option for me whatsofuckingever. and crucially he’d be like that even if he knew entirely about trans people. now this is why transfemme dean works so well. because you just know it would take her at least thirty years to even consider it for a singular second.

on the other hand transmasc sam works so well because you can picture teenage transmasculine sam realising he’s a boy and promptly making it part of the whole entirely justified and very cool and fun teen angst rebellion FUCK YOU DAD thing. he could let spite carry him to the point of coming out. dean? he is burying that shit deep.

#Idk there’s still stuff to play with i find really interesting #at the end of the day it’s like. canonly dean buries everything about himself and just takes on the shape of his dad dads music dads car #dads jacket dads anger etc-#dean is expected to be a certain way. and he becomes very good at that certain way #he’s playing the role his father decided for him long after his fathers dead #i think a theoretically transmasc dean while still just as determined to prove himself and like. into hunting and probably vaguely the #machismo of it all too like canon dean. i think he would still very much as a teenager play into the whole eldest daughter mary 2.0 (more #than in canon he’s already mary 2.0 but he’s also meant to be john 2.0)#like transmasc dean would bury it and keep performing badass Tough Chick femininity #obviously after transitioning he’d be just like canon dean but he’d have to get to the point of transitioning first Which would take foreve #dean conforms to the role john expects he does what he thinks is needed of him #hence why it’s so hard to imagine a younger him transitioning. transition is a deviation from that tightly plotted role #Hence why in canon maybe transitioning would save her because it would inherently mean she’s gotten over some shit!#ANYWAY. gender in spn is so interesting #dean winchester #trans dean winchester #I still love transmasc headcanons though ofc #spn #oliver talks

64 notes · View notes

velveteencryptid · 6 months ago

Text

Just rewatched The Carnival Job and had some new headcanons pop in my brain so join me for some backstage adventures:

Molly says, "Mirrors and I aren't on speaking terms lately. I just don't like what I see." This is never explained, just used later to help find Molly. New HC? Molly is nonbinary or trans and just starting to figure it out. They're not getting along with mirrors because they're hitting puberty and starting to look more feminine, and they don't like it.

Unrelated: maybe after the episode Molly asks their dad for karate lessons. They're thinking they want to be like Elliot - capable and badass and saving people (and wouldn't he just love/hate that impression he left on Molly). Dad is thinking, after what just happened that's a great f*cking idea. And also, after what just happened, he finds himself incapable of saying no to Molly anyway.

Eventually Molly becomes Ollie (short for Oliver maybe?) and godd*mn if their dad isn't the most supportive dad in the whole LGBTQ universe because... after what happened, how can he not be?

Maybe Ollie's dad ends up being that guy at pride parades offering free dad love to those missing it, and Ollie can barely remember a time when dad was distant anymore.

Eventually maybe Ollie becomes a security expert, or some sort of law enforcement agent (one of the good ones the Leverage team would gladly work with). All thanks to that one sub security guy Elliot who saved them and their dad at that random carnival.

On that note, I'd love to see an episode all about the folks left behind after the jobs are done, especially the kids. The people whose lives were changed for the better by Leverage, who were inspired to create more positive change in the world, who saw a miracle done by strangers (or thieves, depending on how much they knew) and thought... if they can do that, I can do SOMETHING.

Dean Devlin, get on that!

#leverage #the carnival job #elliot spencer #eliot spencer #leverage redemption #dean devlin

33 notes · View notes

supernaturalscribe67 · 1 year ago

Text

Lucky

Words: 4,699

POV: 3rd Person

Pairing: Dean/Sam Winchester x Trans!FTM!Winchester!Reader [Platonic]

Warning(s): Mention of surgery, references to top surgery recovery, slight gore (maybe?), language (also, maybe?), loving and supportive family members, fluff

Summary: Top surgery was never something the reader thought was possible. With the help of Sam, he was able to make his dream come true, and his brothers are there for him to help while he's in recovery.

Request:

I would absolutely love Dean and Sam with a younger trans brother who just got top surgery and is in recovery? Just fluff of like helping him wash his hair or getting things for him and reassuring them? Love your content so much!! It so nice to see some more trans content in the supernatural fandom :)

@cometcreates

A/N: I am so sorry this took a little longer to get out than I planned - work has been extremely hectic and draining recently - but I hope you like it! Let me know what you think! Feedback is greatly appreciated!

Much love!

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

People define luck in many different ways. Some say luck is a dollar bill lying on the ground, some say it’s a passing grade once they get their tests back, and others say it’s their true love. (Y/N), however, would define his luck as waking up every morning in the Men of Letters bunker with his brothers.

Years ago when he came out to his older brothers as transgender, although they were a little confused at first, they were fully supportive. They did everything in their power to make sure that their little brother was comfortable, not only in their home and out in public but in his skin as well. They purchased a binder for him, got him better clothing, adjusted rather quickly to his name and pronoun change, and got defensive - sometimes a little too much - whenever someone misgendered him. With all that they were doing for him, (Y/N) couldn’t imagine how luckier he could get. He already had an amazing support system, what else could he need?

At the end of last year, Sam approached him and asked him if he had been wanting to get top surgery, something they had talked about once or twice, but never regularly. When (Y/N) showed his interest in getting the surgery, Sam told him that he had done some research about different places where he could potentially get the procedure done, as well as all the criteria that certain places needed for him to qualify. After they sat and talked for a while, they concluded that, with Sam’s assistance, they would get started on (Y/N)’s journey toward top surgery.

The months following consisted of semi-monthly visits with a psychologist Sam found in Hays, KS - all of the medical professionals required a steady diagnosis of gender-dysphoria from a registered psychologist to be able to consider the patient for the operation - as well as reading up on the aftermath of the surgery and what was to be expected. Of course, (Y/N) knew he would get all of the information from his surgeon before it was done, but he wanted to make sure he was well-informed and nothing was left out of the consultation.

The consultation went well, and, after waiting for an eternity in the examination room, the doctor finally came in and set up the date for the surgery. (Y/N) was over the moon, and he immediately began to count down the days. Sam and Dean helped him get all of the necessary items he needed for the surgery recovery; various snacks, scar care creams, a surgical binder, a mastectomy pillow, and an extremely cozy blanket that he had begged them to buy. Even after they had gotten everything on the list, occasionally, they would buy something they thought would be beneficial for the recovery period.

Then, they waited. Day after day went by and (Y/N) found it difficult to focus on hunting rather than the anxiety and anticipation that bubbled within him, but his brothers kept him grounded in times of distress. They could tell just how excited he was, and they never wanted to dampen the mood by turning his focus back on the job. They wanted him to keep that enthusiasm even after he had the surgery. When the day of the surgery came, they didn’t even try to calm his excitement. Just seeing how happy he was made them feel the same.

The surgery went well. The recovery was going to be the hard part. The doctor made sure to prescribe him pain medication, which the brothers had picked up before they left the surgical center to head back to the bunker, and gave him a pamphlet describing all of his recovery needs in grave detail. Of course, they had already been well-prepared for the occasion, but it was nice to have it on hand. (Y/N) stayed in the hospital under observation for two days until he was finally released, clad in nothing but a pair of shorts, some slides, his surgical binder, the drainage tubes and bulbs connected to each incision underneath the binder, and one of Sam’s flannels that rested against his shoulders, keeping the front open to allow his chest to breathe. After he was wheeled and loaded into the back of the car, the three brothers made the drive back home.

By the time the Impala edged its way into the well-lit garage, the sun had gone down, and the night sky was littered with stars. It wasn’t a long way to Lebanon from Kansas City, about five hours depending on traffic, but the trip wasn’t entirely painless. (Y/N) was thankful for the medications he was given after his surgery, but the bumpy backroads in Kansas were ruthless and did little to provide a comfortable drive home. He initially tried to sleep through the journey, but every pothole they hit - accompanied by an apology from his oldest brother - sent another wave of discomfort coursing through his chest. He had never felt more joy in his entire life than when he saw the familiar dirt road as he and his brothers got closer to the bunker.

Dean parked the car and killed the engine. He turned, arm draped over the back of the front seat. “You feeling okay?” He asked.

(Y/N) glanced over at him and gave a small nod. He adjusted himself and winced as the pain shot through his arms and chest. “Just sore, hurts like hell. When am I due for my next round of meds, Sammy?” He turned to his older brother in the passenger’s seat.

Sam looked back at him for a moment and then down at his phone screen. “You should be able to take some more now. Why don’t we get you inside and into your bed first? That way we can get you something to eat and drink with your medicine.”

“No food,” (Y/N) groaned. “I don’t feel like eating now.”

“You have to eat something.”

“Fine, I’ll eat some crackers, or something small, or one of those snack cakes I got, but I really can’t eat anything filling right now. I’ll eat some more in the morning when I’m feeling better.”

“Alright,”

“Now, can someone let me out? These doors are surprisingly heavy.”

“Yeah!” Dean said, quick to jump out of the car and head towards the back passenger’s side. He opened the door and held out a hand.

(Y/N) smiled weakly as he reached over and grabbed Dean’s hand. He was slow to move out of the seat and plant his feet on the ground. When he stood, his legs shook, but he let out a sigh of relief. His legs were weak. The recovery had consisted of laying in his hospital bed and, occasionally, getting up and taking a few steps inside his room, just to keep the blood flowing in his legs. With the lack of energy he had and the five-hour ride back, his legs felt completely numb, as if they were made of Jell-O.

Dean held (Y/N)’s hand tightly while his opposite arm wrapped around his waist. He moved him away from the car and shut the door. The two of them made their way to the bunker door. Sam jumped out of the car and caught up with them as they walked inside. When they were greeted with the metal stairs that landed in the War Room, (Y/N) stopped. He let out a sigh of defeat.

“This is going to hurt like Hell,” he mumbled. He reached a shaky arm over and grasped the railing until his knuckles paled.

“We’ll take it slow,” Dean nodded softly.

(Y/N) returned the nod and they began to walk down the stairs, one step at a time. The entire time they walked, Dean held onto him tightly, both of their eyes cast down towards the steps. Each step, despite the snail’s pace they walked at, made a jolt of pain shoot through (Y/N)’s back. A pained expression crossed his face multiple times as he pressed his lips together tightly.

Finally, they reached the bottom of the stairs and another contempt sigh left (Y/N)’s lips. Sam brushed past them.

“I’m going to grab your crackers and water and meet you in your room, okay?” He placed a gentle hand on (Y/N)’s shoulder.

“Sounds good,” (Y/N) flashed a thumbs-up towards him before Sam walked down the hallway, toward the kitchen.

(Y/N) was a little quicker when they walked through the halls, and he was thankful when they reached his room. He wasted no time parting himself from his brother and making his way over to his bed. Despite his shaky legs, he held himself up well. He turned on the lamp on his nightstand, illuminating the room with a faint yellow glow.

His bed was neatly made with multiple pillows resting at the head - the doctor recommended that he slept elevated for the first week or so and then slept on his back for several months afterward. It would be an adjustment, but (Y/N) knew that he could get used to it.

He climbed into his bed, careful of the collection bags on his chest, and crawled underneath the layers of blankets. Instantly, he relaxed into the plush mattress, head resting on the stack of pillows behind him. Dean waltzed deeper into the room, eyeing him carefully.

“You okay?” He asked.

“Better now that I’m in bed,” (Y/N) looked over at him. “Although it just feels like I’m in another hospital room.”

“At least you won’t be eating any more hospital food,”

(Y/N) grimaced. “Don’t remind me of that, I’ll throw up.”

Sam entered the room, a bottle of water in one hand, the white bag with (Y/N)’s prescription narcotics tucked under his arm, and a small sleeve of saltines in the other. He set the water bottle and saltines down on the bedside table and opened the bag. He took out the orange pill bottle and fished out an oval-shaped white capsule. He handed it to (Y/N), who took it gratefully. He popped the pill into his mouth and drank some water to wash it down.

“You should probably empty those soon,” Sam said, gesturing towards the bags that rested against (Y/N)’s stomach.

(Y/N) glanced down at them and shook his head. “The doctor said every twelve hours should be good. They changed them right before I left the hospital, so they should be fine for right now.”

“Alright, if you say so,” Sam crossed his arms over his chest. “Do you need anything? TV? Books? Some snacks?”

“I’m good, thanks. I think I’m going to catch some shuteye for a bit. That car ride took all the energy out of me.”

Sam nodded and turned to walk towards the door. “If you need anything, let us know.”

“I will, don’t worry.”

“Seriously,” Dean piped up. “If you need anything, even if it’s small, just holler or shoot us a text.”

(Y/N) couldn’t help but chuckle. The overprotective nature of his brothers was something that never changed. “I promise I’ll call if I need anything.”

Dean and Sam both gave him a small smile before they turned and left the room, closing the door behind them. (Y/N) marveled in the silence. No nurses walking outside of his room, no snoring from his brothers on the pull-out beds, no heart monitors beeping constantly. It was peaceful. He reached over and turned off the lamp light, flooding the room, once again, with darkness. The darkness was something he missed. He would never take his pitch-black room for granted ever again.

He awoke six hours later, around the time when the medication began to wear off and the pain resurfaced. He had tried to reach over to the nightstand and grab the pill bottle, but his arms were too stiff. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up, a grunt falling from his lips. The pain wasn’t as bad as it had been the day after surgery, it was mostly the sore tenderness he felt in his chest and back that bothered him. When his feet touched the floor, he was able to lean over and grab the pill bottle with ease. He uncapped it, took out another capsule, and popped it into his mouth, followed by a drink of water. The medication would start working in twenty minutes or so.

The ache wasn’t only in his chest and back, however. As he downed the water, he felt it fall into his stomach. A gurgle sounded from his gut and he placed a hand over it. He probably shouldn’t have taken the medication on an empty stomach. He needed some food. For a moment, he considered the saltines on the bedside table but quickly tossed out the idea. They didn’t sound as appetizing as they had before he went to sleep, and even then he had only accepted them to make his brother feel better. He wanted some real food. He wanted some of the snack cakes that he got for the occasion. The real question was; could he get up and walk to the kitchen by himself without bothering his brothers? It was still early, so they were most likely asleep. They had been with him the entire time he was in the hospital, and he wanted to make sure that they got the sleep they deserved.

(Y/N) placed his hands on his knees and let in a deep breath, his eyes falling closed for a second. With a quick exhale, he hoisted himself off of the bed. His legs quivered, and he had to reach back towards the bed to steady himself. After he stood for a couple of minutes, the blood seemed to flow back through his legs. They were unsteady, but less than they had been before. He shuffled his way towards his door and opened it, glancing up and down the hallways. He then made his way towards the kitchen. The sound of his stomach growling echoed throughout the corridor.

“Damn, I’m getting you food, calm down,” (Y/N) mumbled to himself.

It took a lot longer for him to get to the kitchen than it had taken to get to his room the night before. He was slow, uncomfortably so, and he hated it. He felt like an old man. At least I’m an old man without tits, he thought.

When he got into the kitchen, he walked over to the pantry shelves and glanced up. Sat on the second highest shelf were the cupcakes that he had been craving. Those delicate, chocolatey, packaged goodies. They were teasing him with the pictures on the front of the box. He wanted one so bad, and he couldn’t even reach them. He could barely lift his arms enough to reach the shelf directly in front of him. He tried to scour the shelf in front of him for something that sounded at least a little bit appetizing, but nothing made his mouth water as much as the soft, chocolate cakes near the top of the pantry.

Curse you, Hostess.

Just as he was about to give up and pick something from a more accessible shelf, the sound of padded footsteps echoed down the hallway. (Y/N) turned his head towards the door as Sam entered. Sam furrowed his brows.

“Hey, what’re you doing up?”

“Oh, the pain medicine wore off, so I took another one. Plus I’m starving,” he then turned his gaze back to the cupcakes.

“Do you want me to make you something for breakfast? I can make scrambled eggs.”

“Sure,” (Y/N) shrugged. “But…I really…want a cupcake.”

“For breakfast?”

(Y/N) looked back at Sam. His bottom lip was pushed out in a small, child-like pout. His eyes were big and his brows were tilted up slightly. It was his own signature puppy-dog eyes. Sam’s puppy-dog eyes were good, but (Y/N)’s was better. Those eyes were the reason behind him getting to pick a place to eat or what movie they watched most of the time.

Sam sighed as he walked over, grabbed the box of cupcakes, and ripped it open. He took out a package and handed it to (Y/N). (Y/N) beamed and ripped the plastic open. He took a big bite of the cupcake and hummed happily.

“Ok, you have your cupcake, but I’m still going to make you some scrambled eggs. You need to have some real food in you.”

“Cupcakes are real food, Samuel. Maybe you’d be happier if you ate one once in a while.”

“And maybe you’d be happier if you ate healthier.”

(Y/N) stuck his tongue out at Sam. Sam rolled his eyes and smirked before he walked over to the fridge. Meanwhile, (Y/N) trudged over to the table and sat down.

“You should probably change your bags soon,” Sam said.

(Y/N) glanced down at the bags and noticed that they were halfway full. He cursed under his breath. “Let me enjoy my cupcake and then I’ll empty them.”

“Do you need help?”

“Nah, I got it, thanks, though.”

Sam smiled and nodded. Without hesitation, (Y/N) shoved the rest of the cupcake in his mouth, a hum of pleasure emitting from his throat. Sam grimaced and turned away. (Y/N) glanced over at him.

“Don’t judge me,” he mumbled with a mouthful of food before he stood up and made his way to the bathroom to drain his bulbs.

Three days had passed, and (Y/N) had already started feeling better. His movement had increased, the pain was starting to diminish, and the fluid that filled the bulbs slowed. His mental health had noticeably improved and every time he looked in the mirror, admiring his newly sculpted chest, the smile would never fail to stick to his face for hours on end. One thing that he didn’t like about the recovery process though, something that stayed a consistent issue, was the lack of personal hygiene.

When his doctor told him that he wouldn’t be able to shower for a while after the procedure, he didn’t think that it would affect him as much as it was. Granted, he still took whore baths, using a damp washcloth and some soap to clean his body off the best that he could, but he could still feel the grime that coated his skin. Specifically, his hair was what bothered him the most. It was wet with grease to the point where it could stand up without any assistance from haircare products. (Y/N) felt disgusting. He needed to get his hair clean, quickly, and he couldn’t do it by himself. If he leaned over too much, the strain on his chest would cause the pain to flair up. He needed help. Sam had been busy researching and assisting other hunters who had called while the brothers were on a break from hunting themselves, so (Y/N) went to the next best person.

(Y/N) knocked on Dean’s door rhythmically. A faint ‘come in’ sounded from inside. He opened the door to see his brother on his bed, lying on his stomach, eyes glued to the television screen in front of him.

“Hey,” Dean said with a smile. “How’re you doing, kiddo?”

“Pretty good. The pain’s not as bad today. I was wondering if you could help me with something, though.”

“Sure,” Dean reached over, grabbed the remote, and turned off the television. He shifted himself so that he was sitting down on the edge of the bed. “What do you need?”

“Can you wash my hair for me?”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to shower yet.”

“I can’t get my chest wet, but I can clean the rest of my body. I’ve been taking whore baths for the past couple of days, but I haven’t been able to get my hair cleaned. Could you help me with that?”

Dean hummed and pursed his lips. “Yeah,” he said as he stood up. “Meet me in the bathroom, I’ll be in there in a bit.”

(Y/N) didn’t wait in the bathroom for long before Dean rounded the corner, a chair dragging behind him. He placed the chair in front of the sink and gestured to it.

“Sit,” he said.

(Y/N) awed. “It’s like a trashy hair salon.”

Dean rolled his eyes and chuckled. He grabbed the shampoo and conditioner from the bathroom cabinet as (Y/N) sat down in the chair. He leaned his head back so that it rested against the cool basin. Dean walked over to the sink and glanced down at his head. He grimaced.

“Damn, kid, you definitely need to wash that hair.” he reached down and touched a lock of his hair, wincing as he pulled his hand back, studying the sheen that the hair left on his fingers. “Ew.”

“Thanks,” (Y/N) deadpanned.

Dean smirked. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you all cleaned up.”

Dean turned on the hot water, the spout shooting out the liquid into the sink. Dean began to run his fingers through (Y/N)’s hair. (Y/N) instinctively closed his eyes. Dean wet his hair, pouring the water over the locks with his cupped hands.

(Y/N) could remember the last time he went to the hair salon. He was young, around the age of six, and Bobby had taken him to get his hair done. Even though Bobby seemed uncomfortable the entire time he was there, he wanted to make sure that (Y/N) had a somewhat normal childhood experience. (Y/N) was ecstatic, and enjoyed every minute of the haircut. His favorite part, however, was when the stylist was washing his hair. It was something about the way her fingers caressed his scalp, massaging the product into the roots of his hair, that brought an overwhelming sense of bliss. Dean’s fingers weren’t as gentle and soft as the stylist’s, but he sure knew how to give a good head massage.

Two fingers gently tapped against the side of (Y/N)’s head. He opened his eyes and looked up at his brother. He hummed in acknowledgment.

“I said ‘Do you like it’?” Dean repeated, a smirk curled into the corner of his lips.

(Y/N) slowly nodded. The suds dripped down from the side of his head and caressed the outside of his ear. “Feels nice. You should have gone to cosmetology school.”

Dean laughed. “I meant your chest. How do you…feel now?”

“Oh,” (Y/N) let out a short laugh. “Honestly, I feel great. I don’t have to bind anymore, which means I won’t have to worry about hunts and catching my breath. I no longer have to worry about if clothes will fit me because of my chest. I don’t look in the mirror and hate what I see…” his voice trailed. “I look in the mirror and I see me. The me that I was supposed to be.”

The two of them were silent for a while as Dean poured water over his hair, washing out the soap. His fingers caressed the back of (Y/N)’s scalp, watching intensely as the conditioner ran down the drain.

“You know, if it makes you feel any better, Sammy and I always saw you as our little brother. I mean, you never really did all that girly crap - makeup, playing with dolls, stuff like that. You were always interested in playing with the mud. The amount of times that you would get in trouble with Bobby because you would bring mudpies into his house, or whenever you would track mud inside when it was raining. He got so pissed,” he chuckled, and (Y/N) joined him.

“But then you got older,” he continued. “And it started to seem like you weren’t really my brother. But…something wasn’t right. I knew something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Calling you my sister felt wrong. I started calling you my little brother again whenever I told people about you, and then it felt right. When you told us you were transgender, it all made sense to me. It clicked. You never really were my little sister. You were my little brother, just with a few extra parts. Now that you got your surgery, I can see just how happy you are. How comfortable you are, and that means more to me than anything else.”

The conditioner was gone. (Y/N)’s freshly washed hair laid against the basin. Dean reached over to the cabinet and grabbed out a small hand towel. He ruffled the towel against (Y/N)’s damp hair, making sure to get all of the water off of the side of his face and his ears. When his face was dry, he helped him sit up.

“And me seeing you like this, I have never felt more proud of you,” Dean concluded.

(Y/N) glanced up at Dean, brows raised. His wet hair dripped onto his naked shoulder. “Really?” He asked in a quiet voice.

Dean smiled softly. “Yeah. I’m proud that you told Sam and me how you felt. I’m proud that you got the courage to go through with the surgery, and,” Dean knelt in front of the chair. “I’m proud to call you my baby brother.”

A lump had formed in (Y/N)’s throat. His eyes glimmered with tears that pooled in their corners. Without saying anything, (Y/N) reached forward and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck, pulling him into a loose embrace. Dean placed his hands on (Y/N)’s back and smiled into the hug.

“I owe you and Sam so much,” (Y/N) spoke softly. “You guys take such good care of me.”

“You don’t owe us anything. That’s just what big brothers are supposed to do.”

“Not even if I bake you a pie?”

“Now, if you decide to bake a pie, I won’t turn it down,” Dean pulled away and held his hands up.

(Y/N) sniffled and wiped the tears away. “I should make Sammy one of those fancy salads he likes.”

“Oh, he’ll go crazy for that,” Dean mumbled. “Him and his damn rabbit food.”

“You go crazy for pie, though.”

“Yeah, but pie is good. Actually good.”

(Y/N) rolled his eyes, causing Dean to chuckle. Dean stood up and brushed his jeans off, stretching his arms above his head.

“What do you say we get Sammy and go watch a movie?” Dean asked.

(Y/N) smiled. “I’d like that.”

“Great! You go get Sammy and I’ll get the snacks.”

Dean turned and jogged out of the room. (Y/N) stood and tilted his neck from side to side, noting the small strain in his muscles. (Y/N) grabbed the back of the chair he had been sitting in, but stopped as he saw himself in the reflection of the small mirror. His eyes scraped over his body, from his head down to his exposed hips. He shifted so that he could see his torso from the side.

It was almost as if he was in a dream. Like, at any moment, he would blink and wake up in his bed with his breasts still attached to his chest. For years, he had been wanting to get top surgery, but it never seemed like something he was able to achieve. Never in his wildest imagination did he see himself standing in front of a mirror and feeling proud of the body that he stood in. He no longer saw the body of a woman, the man he was trapped inside and desperately attempting to claw his way out. He saw a man, who he truly was, the real (Y/N) Winchester.

And as he stared at his chest, a smile appearing on his lips, the words Dean spoke echoed in his head;

I’m proud to call you my baby brother.

Now, (Y/N) Winchester could confidently say that he was the luckiest man alive.

135 notes · View notes