#love is also complicated when it comes to stuff like trauma and personality disorders

[flecks-of-stardust]

i originally put this into the tags, but as a loveless aro and also with some loveless mutuals i should probably not leave it down there. sorry to hijack your post op, but the points you bring up have been discussed at length in the loveless community already and yes, we know. we know. we’re told that incessantly.

“i don’t assume they mean romance unless they’re some kinda weirdo” unfortunately a horrific number of people do, in fact, mean romance. or it’s assumed you also think it’s romantic love, and then they look like a deer in headlights when you point out that in fact, some people do not ever experience romantic love. same goes for platonic love.

the thing is that people just define these things differently. for some people, asking a friend to text them when they get home might not be love, because ‘love’ as a concept is already so nebulous there’s no one definition for it anyway. a lot of people Do consider that love, and that’s perfectly fine and valid, but a good chunk of loveless aros do not for a multitude of reasons. personally i lump it under the broader label of care, because while i’m not certain if i love my friends, i definitely do care about them and want them to be safe. lots of people equate care with love, and that’s all well and good. some don’t.

when you have love, romantic love, shoveled down your throat constantly by society and everyone around you, particularly if you’re also aromantic and romance repulsed on top of that, you get very, very tired of people talking about it. to a specific subset of people, romantic love is the only type of love that exists, and they will look at you weird if you say you love your friends. (i have had the displeasure of meeting that type of person, and i hope you never do.) so sure, when someone says ‘love makes you human’, they probably don’t mean romantic love. but a lot of them do. it’s hard to tell which it is when society is so saturated with it, and it gets tiring. additionally, i’m certain you know that love can be a force used to hurt, too, but it bears repeating. some abusive parents love their children, and are still abusive. some people love their partners, and still hurt them. both of these things combined can make love as a concept very unappealing, and some may choose to divorce themselves from it entirely.

and honestly, i kind of get it. this took me a while to grasp too. most people’s instinct when faced with love that hurts is to look for proof of love that doesn’t hurt, love that they want and love that is reciprocated. and that’s great. but sometimes people just go ‘fuck it’ to it all and remove themselves from it. that’s what the loveless label can mean to people.

and again, love as a concept is so nebulous already, what is love to you may not be love to someone else. telling your friends to be careful? care, affection, intimacy. wikipedia as a resource? dedication, passion. cats and trees? interspecies connection, connection to and with nature. for you that may be love, and for a lot of people it is, but for some people it just isn’t. we may or may not experience the same things, we just label it differently.

for the record, i am loveless and lovequeer in conjunction. being loveless doesn’t necessarily mean rejecting love as a concept entirely, though some do identify that way. a lot of my personal use of love as a concept is to make it so broad that it’s a mundane thing, which is somewhat slant to another core idea around lovelessness, which is to remove love from the pedestal people put it on. you cannot find a universal human experience, and love is not the exception to this rule. some of us are just tired.

edit to add that broadly speaking, aromantic folks just do not experience romantic love (or experience limited romantic love). lovelessness is a separate thing, but this is a fairly common point of discussion in those circles.

ya know I really resonate with the Aromantic label but I can not make sense of the "not experiencing love" concept. when you tell your friend "drive careful, text me when you get home!" that's love. When you lean against a big tree and feel your mind go quiet? that's love. wikipedia is made of love. cats are made of love

[mazzystar24]

Being a psychology nerd and engaging in fandom actually makes my eye twitch sometimes because terms are constantly being used wrong to diss people or characters and also people will act like they know every experience a mentally ill person can have just based off a small sample of what they’ve seen and they’ll use that to disregard storylines or people’s opinions or spec

So some things guys that may be an unintentional call out or reassurance for your spec:

Hallucinations CAN be auditory and visual simultaneously (multi modal it can even be tactile, somatic olfactory or gustatory) and there is actually a very high prevalence of this in a lot of disorders and are actually thought to occur more frequently than unimodal hallucinations, and yes it can be in the form of full blown conversations with people that aren’t there and they can be extremely elaborate and complex especially if paired with delusions- so yes the possibility that Kim is a hallucination and we are just seeing it from Eddie’s pov is valid spec so stop being dismissive to people

Also for my brain tumour truthers- a brain tumour is a little complicated when it comes to hallucinations cos it really depends where the tumour is and what regions are effected because for example an occipital lobe tumour is more likely to just cause visual hallucinations- but multimodal hallucinations due to a brain tumour is also possible, a brain tumour also comes with other symptoms too but a lot can be consistent with the spec like for example impulsivity or disinhibition, delusions, aggression (if the buddie divorce is true that works), anxiety, depression, etc.

Trauma bonding is something that occurs in ABUSIVE situations where you start to feel sympathy and love for your abuser it’s not when people bond over trauma - so no what buck and Eddie or buck and Chris have is very much not a trauma bond

Gaslighting isn’t just lying to someone it’s intentionally manipulating them to the extent that they doubt their own sanity (the term coming from a play turned movie where a husband drives his wife crazy by like screwing with the gas lights in their house when she’s alone to make her doubt her memory and her perception of reality) - so no Eddie is not GASLIGHTING buck when he lies to him 😭😭

Codependency is also just not what Eddie and buck have, they don’t base their entire lives on each other and they don’t like have an unhealthy dynamic or have an imbalanced relationship, now yes they both had times when they needed the other to be there for them or help them through stuff or aid their self worth but overall they more so just want to be around each other not that they NEED to and they work on themselves separately like going to therapy by themselves while also supporting eachother by helping out while they do that

[peachyqueenly]

Black Pearl Cookie and BPD

I think folks should discuss how we now have another character heavily coded to have BPD in Black Pearl Cookie, so that's exactly what my (diagnosed) self is gonna do--

BPD, Borderline personality disorder, is defined as a mental illness that significantly impacts a person’s emotional regulation, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Such a deregulation results in increased impulsivity, poor self-esteem/sense of self, and difficulty in relationships with others.

While there is no defined cause for the disorder, most experts generally agree it comes from environmental factors. In particular long term exposure to stress/danger as a child and abuse (particular CSA).

The best way to go through it imo is to go through some general criteria that often goes into the condition... and how it can apply to White/Black Pearl both before she absorbed the tear and after.

1. Unstable or changing relationships

Her feelings on others often go through shifts depending on her mood and state of mind; even as White Pearl, she couldn't bring herself to hurt or kill Lord Oyster even after how betrayed she felt. She wanted to hate him, but she couldn't separate the fact he hurt her from the fact she loved him. Her unstable relationships can also be seen in her sisters and the complicated relationship she had with them that only got more complicated when she became Black Pearl.

An example of this I'd provide is this-- Crimson Coral is right this situation is far more complicated than White Pearl thinks. But her attachment (more on that later) to Lord Oyster and complicated relationship both with him and her sisters led to... problems.

2. Unstable self-image, including struggles with sense of self and identity

We saw this in her emotions during Duskgloom, but this scene just makes it even more blatant in how she has a sense of disassociation and depersonalization-- she struggles to see White Pearl as herself.

Many people with, especially those whose BPD can be traced back to childhood PTSD/trauma (like myself) often experience this sensation of seeing pictures of themselves as kids and not recognizing it as themselves. It's not quite like DID, but there is some overlap if that helps.

3. Anger regulation problems, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

This one goes without saying. Black Pearl finds herself sinking ships... I wouldn't even say just for fun. As we see in the New Years snippet of her that it's not even fun for her.

She feels compelled to act out the way she does as its the only way she feels she can let out these feelings. It is not justified, but it's not her killing people for fun. We also see it in the scene with this very CG where her emotions shift HARD and suddenly with Caviar.

4. Frequent mood swings

Not much explanation here, as it kinda goes hand in hand with the above notes on her anger issues. And how she shifted in tone with Caviar quickly when she got triggered by his poking at her past.

5. Impulsive behaviors

Also kinda already explained; in her sinking stuff not being for fun, this kinda goes into it as its more of an impulsive habit she does to stave off her feelings and hurt.

Five traits is enough to get a diagnosis amongst other things, but I would argue from personal experience she also shows traits of stress-related paranoia (her interaction with Caviar), and deep down a consistent and constant feelings of sadness or worthlessness.

One of the more popular things discussed about BPD online is the idea of having a favorite person; its often an individual experience (as how a lot of ppl describe the feeling doesn't match my experience, but I know I have a FP), but I would argue that White Pearl developedthis relationship with Lord Oyster. It was a quick, sudden, and arguably irrational attachment that led to her placing her entire faith and identity into him (symbolized by her giving him the pearl). And when you're hurt by your fp... well, its. Complicated.

You want to see them suffer; disappear. Or... thats how it often is depicted. I know for me that it takes a lot for my feelings to reach this point. Instead, I struggle to truly accept I've been hurt and instead ignore the feeling/act out in other ways.

Instead of switching from idolization to devaluing, she just. Chose to ignore it. She couldn't bring herself to hurt or hate him, and so she forced him to never return. And stewed in maladaptive coping mechanisms at the bottom of the sea...

Black Pearl's association with key parts of BPD is an important part of her character, and one I'm glad to discuss with others. I hope you found this thread nice, and if you'd like to add anything please feel free!!!

[tomwambsgans]

that gay brother/little sister post you reblogged was soooo juicy so now i wanna ask your thoughts on gay roman (i’m absolutely a gay roman truther)

so i'm not attached enough to roman to have TOO many pre-formed thoughts on this but i'm gay enough i can't not have thoughts, so. another disclaimer, due to my lack of attachment i'm not whatsoever married to the notion of either kendall or roman (or shiv for that matter) being gay as opposed to bi. however i have eyes and a brain so i know they're all not straight, like that much is basically textual.

but anyway. when it comes to any of the roy siblings and homosexuality, i'll say my very first thought is this monologue from Angels in America. not that they would necessarily have that exact ideology about it, but those notions would greatly inform their attitude about themselves. imo roman, with his inclination toward fascistic masculinity in particular, would be the most likely to overtly think these things, and i do think he kind of does. roman knows that he's unable to get off with normative sex, but he also explicitly derides "liberal butt-love" and implicitly (sometimes explicitly) all the non-conforming and gender-bending stuff that goes along with it. that's at least partially because he's talking about a category of people that he does not belong to, due to being far above it. it's often the case for those who are rich and powerful and condemn the same "deviant" practices that they themselves engage in, whether it's gay sex, or just generally non-normative sex, abortion, etc. it's okay for me, but not for you.

but that's just one piece to roman's puzzle because there's also clearly shame wrt masculinity (logan's masculinity) and also some sexual trauma involved. i think kieran and/or one of the writers has said something about not wanting to pin Why Roman Is Like That on anything in particular, like not wanting to definitively say that something happened to him as a kid, but honestly i think it's extremely unlikely that he'd be like that about sex if nothing did. maybe it was very complicated and it not any singular event, but there's got to be something. some sexual depth to his childhood abuse that never got explicitly touched on. other people much more invested in roman than i have done really good meta on the roys' relationships to their bodies (like w the Summer of Competetive Eating Disorders), so i'm not gonna try to rehash those other ppl's thoughts, but in short that's the sort of thing i think of when i'm trying to imagine what the fuck happened to roman. like just over-arching themes of The Boot throughout roman's life, the lack of ownership over his own body in a way that reflects femininity and strips him of manhood, whether at home or at military school, etc.

i mean, we (as in the audience) are definitely at least supposed to wonder, like when it's implied that Mo's pederasty wasn't exclusive to girls (Don't Get In The Pool With Him), but also, if anything of that nature happened to him and informed roman's relationship with his sexuality, i have to also think that roman doesn't actually remember. his whole thing in austerlitz where he jokes to connor "i'm gonna tell them you diddled me" gives me the sense that maybe roman just kind of wishes it was that cut-and-dry, because then he'd have something specific to blame his whole deal on.

anyway. this is about roman being gay, not specifically sexually Weird - i just think the context of all that is relevant to how he'd conceptualize himself and any gay feelings he has. and i do think that if and when roman has ever had sex with men, he probably does lump it in with the fact that he can't have Normal sex. i think roman would have to undergo a lot of character development to ever consider it normal sex. honestly, simply recieving a handjob from his personal trainer was likely "wrong" enough for roman to get off despite how the average gay man would see it as extremely vanilla compared to roman needing to be degraded or fantasizing about necrophilia. growing up with logan "i didn't figure you for a faggot" roy would have, of course, really reinforced the ideas about that being Wrong.

(speaking of logan dropping the f slur, i think it's interesting that despite how roman acts anti-woke in front of others, he's shocked when logan says it. it's clearly crossing a line even for him, almost certainly because he's been abused with this word throughout his life. :'/)

so yeah i don't think roman would ever call himself gay (or even bi or queer) even if he is. and as for the matter of if he is, like as in, if tabitha and gerri are exceptions... i honestly don't know, but i don't think roman knows either. i think the relationship he has with love and sex, his own body and others, the very concept of desire and the love and affection and closeness he seeks out... are genuinely so gnarled and complicated, and wrapped up in all the aforementioned shame and abuse, that figuring out where gender factors into it would - once again - basically require years of therapy on his part.

it's definitely very plausible to me that kinky, non-normative sex is something he only needs in order to get off with women because he has no innate desire for them even when he loves them (and roman definitely has a lot of love inside of him that he will bend over backwards to give and recieve). but it's just as plausible that roman's association of feelings of wrongness with sexual pleasure is in fact unrelated to whatever gendered desire he has or doesn't have. his attraction to men is, funnily enough, more undeniable to me than his attraction to women is, but i do think that how it's portrayed in the show emphasizes roman's role in the world more than desire he holds inside of him. i always think of that one tweet that's like "whenever there's a guy that needs to be seduced, instead of shiv or some other hot woman they send roman." and his role as the Desired One (aka Practically A Woman) is likely a sort of spite factor in him wanting to deny overt homosexual interest too, since it's kind of imposed on him before he has a chance to say anything about who he is.

it's funny bc roman is the one male character where like... i simultaneously like the idea of them being gay and enjoy their relationships with women. he's just so complicated that he kind of exists outside the constructions of sexual orientation? like not in the "he's closeted and he's never coming out so even if he's gay, he's also not" way, but "this guy would not be able to figure out how to define attraction or desire to begin with." gerri being the love of his life and the notion of him being gay are not whatsoever mutually exclusive in my mind, because he's just that complicated.

finally i wanna say, again, that i'm not extremely attached to roman. nowhere near to the degree that i care about tom and greg. which i say because yknow.. i want to kill and maim when i see anything implying that either tom or greg are anything but gay. idk how you feel about it but i'd totally sympathize if you were the same about roman, lol. and i wanna emphasize that it's very likely the only reason i'm not necessarily a gay roman truther is because i haven't thought about it enough. i'd love to see anyone else's gay roman meta if they have it.

[spaceorphan18]

Okay guys! I have watched all of Hearstopper -- as picked by you!

And here are my thoughts!

I'm going to put it under a cut -- Idk if people are worried about spoilers? Idk.

My overall, quick thoughts are that I liked it! It's a well done show, and I'm glad that there's a celebratory LGBT+ youth show that isn't reliant on trauma porn in the way that Euphoria is. (I haven't seen Euphoria - but based on what I do know, it'd be too much for me.)

I think, though, I have some complicated feelings about the show, though, more so concerning my place in life and less about the show itself. But I guess some reflecting is at hand.

I liked the first season more than the second. Part of it, admittedly, might be because I spent the whole day binging it. And sometimes that's a hard thing in general. I had a nice day -- and as afternoon slipped into the evening, it kind of felt like one of those relaxing days where you curl up with hot cocoa on a snowy, winter day. It's comforting. I enjoyed my day - but it was probably too much by the end of it. I was getting antsy about moving on, so that's on me, and my issues of not being able to parcel things out.

I think the other part of it is the realization as the second season was playing that I've spent the last thirty years watching some kind of variation of the stories being told. And while I think it's great that Gen Z has this, and that the LGBTQ+ community has this, I feel like I've seen it all before. This isn't a criticism of the show -- it's more so that I don't think I'm invested in these kinds of stories anymore. It's kind of interesting, in a way, that it doesn't matter sexuality or gender or what age you're growing up in, there are some themes that are universal.

Alright - so some more specific thoughts:

I do like the Nick and Charlie pairing. They're very sweet together, and I think the show does a good job of exploring it as a growing, awkward teenage relationship.

I also like the way they've handled Charlie's eating disorder. I usually hate eating disorder story lines in media -- and this one was handled in a really nuanced way, and I think that's really cool.

I think one reason I didn't like the second season as much as the first, though, is that the first is a real exploration of Nick and Charlie -- with everyone else as a supporting cast. And the second season kind of falls into the pitfall of being a little too bloated as they try to expand on everyone. As well as -- making it about everyone coupling off and less about the friendship. Don't get me wrong, they make sure to show everyone as a supportive group, and that's great, but friendship dynamics just didn't factor as much, and I hate when shows get so caught up in romantic dynamics that that's all it focuses on. Plus, Nick and Charlie almost got pushed to the background of their own story.

I have never read the graphic novels or the web comic so I have no frame of reference -- but Charlie's sister is straight out of a comic strip. I don't know if that works as much on screen, but man you could tell. (I felt that way about early Tao, too.)

The family dynamic stuff of the second season was... fine. But, I really do love Olivia Coleman as Nick's mom. She does a lot with a little.

I like Tao and Elle as characters (and really like that being bi-racial and trans is part of her identity but not her whole character), and while their romance was telegraphed early on, I can't say that I'm all that interested in it. And I feel like across all media, the cliche of one person wanting to choose their career and their romantic partner has to deal with that just feels... tired.

(Honestly - I think there's a story here about how you think you are in love with someone - and you try to date them only to find out you're better friends, is a more interesting angle, but I knew it wasn't going to go that way.)

I do love Tao's mom though. She is a delight and I love her.

Okay, here comes probably my most controversial opinion. I really wasn't a fan of the f/f story. The problem is, unlike Nick and Charlie who get to be nuanced, real characters. The girls identities and story are completely tied to the fact that they are lesbians. They really aren't developed outside of their lesbianism and I find that really unfortunate. I'm glad there is a lesbian couple on the show - I feel like they're underserved in media as a whole, but I really just don't like this story line or these characters very much.

That said - I'm really glad that there's so much f/f friendship on the show, and that there are a lot of instances of females supporting each other.

And then there's Isaac. I really love him as a character, and I absolutely LOVE that they put asexuality on the show -- seriously, as someone who is borderline asexual, it's so, so refreshing to see a teen going through a lot of what I went through as a teen. My one problem is that as the show erases a lot of the friendship dynamics for romantic ones, Isaac gets a little lost. Isaac is on his own? Oh that's fine -- he has his books. Geez, c'mon show. Let him have one conversation with one of his friends about how he feels -- and less of his melancholy, balcony brooding. (Again - there were definitely group scenes where they made sure he was included - but let's face it, Isaac is still a third tier character.)

Okay, and then there's another big issue I had overall, which, again, is less to do with this show, and more to do how certain things are portrayed in teen media. I really kind of hate the notion that your troubles will be your troubles until you find a magic partner who makes all those troubles go away. The world... just doesn't work like that, and you will have so many people in your life who will love and support you, and I wish these shows didn't zero in on romantic relationships to save or fix you. I know the narrative wasn't trying to do this -- but sometimes I roll my eyes when it feels presented that you aren't worthy of being you until someone romantically interested validates you.

The kind of background love story of the two teachers I found amusing. They're both great minor characters -- I would totally watch a show about them. The rugby coach, too, is a fantastic character. I'm glad the adults in this show aren't complete buffoons.

Overall, the show, on a technical level, looks really good. I did love the little added animations that popped up -- in a way to show the graphic novel origins.

So yeah. Look. This sounds like I hated the show when I really didn't. It is very sweet, and I am looking forward to a third season. But I'm being nitpicky of things I've seen over and over in teen media for the past thirty years that, honestly, did detract my viewing pleasure. That said -- I do think stand by what I said earlier in that it's something great for people who are of the correct age, and who are experiencing these stories for the first time. There are so many worse alternatives that I enjoy the fairy tale-esqueness of this one.

[hellodolleyes]

I feel like ranting about stuff so I'm gonna do that-

I've been working on my story Ashes and the story follows the perspectives of three main characters being Korvin, Tallow, and Julien.

Korvin and Tallows perspectives mostly explore the larger plot whereas Julien's is more on the slice of life end. His perspective is essentially one I explore with my friends and their own characters so there's a lot of shenanigans going on within his story lol.

Korvin

Korvin is, from an outside perspective, a normal dude that doesn't have much going on for himself. As Cyril (a character related to Julien's perspective) might say "he's the most infuriatingly average person I have ever met".

Cyril would be right as an outsider looking in (also Cyril just plain hates Korvin with no real reason other than the fact that he can't read Korvin like he can with others), it's not like Korvin makes an effort to look interesting to people though.

His perspective mostly follows what he doesn't show to others, and it gets really dark at points with serious topics about mental health and illnesses. Korvin struggles heavily with depression and bi-polar disorder with paranoid tendencies.

Which is why when he first meets Mori he isn't sure whether it's because he's having a weird episode or if the little purple guy is actually real.

Mori is a Bensu, and a supporting character that has his own struggles. A main one in terms of communication is that he doesn't speak any english at first. I mostly use Mori as a bridge character, one of a few to introduce the other perspectives to a hidden world lost on humanity.

Korvin's perspective is one of a struggle to push on even when the world feels like it's weighing him down and keeping him down. And he doesn't feel like he has the right to feel depressed because in his mind there are others who have suffered worse, therefore he struggles in any strides to get better because all he wants to do is ignore his mental state.

Tallow

Tallow is a borrower.. Or well, he's a Bensu that was adopted by a borrower couple and raised as one. He has his mother, father, and two sisters, and he cherishes them all deeply.

However Tallow struggles with feeling like an outcast despite all of the love and support he receives from his family. Being built so different from his borrower folks, he has been left all his life to wonder about himself but gets no answers to his questions because his family, bless them, they don't know what he is and can't give him the knowledge he so desperately wants.

For a time when he was growing up he despised his differences, although now that he's older he's come to begrudgingly accept that he is the way he is. It doesn't stop him from wishing he could just be "normal".

Throughout his perspective it explores his relationship with his family and especially his sister Kimber. And it inevitably leads to a story of self discovery, and especially excitement when he inevitably meets another one of his kind.

I should mention that Tallow, Korvin, and Julien live under the same roof with the exception of Tallow living in the walls with his family. So it would come to no one's surprise that he would inevitably meet Mori, but the situation is actually coincidental in nature.

By that point Mori still doesn't know much english other than the few phrases he's learned from Korb, so Tallow can't immediately bombard the poor anxious lil guy with questions like he might want to.

Julien

Julien's perspective is a little more complicated. as I've stated I mostly use him to play around with friends and the characters they've developed in support of my odd little story. Although Cyril (@cuttlealert 's) and June (@sodaspoppers 's) have a bit more of a complicated history as characters other than being apart of Ashes, I've come to love them and the dynamic they make with Julien in his more slice of life extension to the story.

To summarize Julien's perspective, it's a story about people bonding over their past traumas and moving forward to a healthier path in life. Julien and Cyril learning that they are half brothers that grew up in surprisingly similar situations of abuse. Meanwhile there's June who seemingly appeared put of nowhere, breaking into Julien and Korvin's kitchen to sit on the counter and eat cheerios.. That was an interesting night.

June is a little blue goblin, or a Nocscizu (Nu-ze-zu) who is suffering from memory loss and they are missing brain cells in all the right ways. Julien unofficially adopts them and when Korvin inevitably finds out about June the temporary chaos is glorious.

Cyril is a genius, but he's incredibly antisocial and lacking in empathy due to his upbringing. He's shut himself off from the world and is only now opening up to it with Julien being someone be can finally lean on in life (literally, 6'4" beanpole lookin ass xD).

Julien himself has found that he enjoys being a supportive person, and although he can come off as abrasive at times, he's all in all just a good guy looking to better himself after a bad streak throughout his highschool career. As with Cyril, Julien also found himself in an awful situation growing up, but he leaned more towards anger and violence to cope. He doesn't condone his past actions and actively seeks anger management and therapy.

There are even more characters relating to Julien's perspective, such as Autumn, Olive Owly, Rusty Spurr with his daughter, and Pierce- But the focus is more on the dynamic between Julien, Cyril, and June.

I love this perspective because its far more light hearted than the actual plot of the story and it makes for a good break between the more serious tones I intend to portray. Julien's perspective is just plainly people who are finding acceptance of their past and deserve the life and love they've found in one another. Korvin and Tallow included, even though their perspectives in story don't intertwine with Julien's often.

Conclusion

I just wanted to rant and I hope you've found some interest in my info dumping :)

[ajokeformur-ray]

Something else I'm wondering; when Arthur finds Penny's case file, it seems like he's seeing all the stuff about the abuse for the first time, like he didn't remember any of it. Is it really possible to forget events like that, or that much of one's childhood? (I'm not in medicine so I wouldn't know). Also, why would they give Arthur back to Penny after it was proven she did next to nothing to protect him from her boyfriend's abuse (granted, I know she was abused too, but still)? That just seems like, logically, it'd be a really bad idea.

It is absolutely possible to forget entire events; the brain is incredibly clever and it can basically hide memories from itself as a protection. I'd recommend looking up selective amnesia as a good starting place if you wanted to look into this some more, and maybe C-PTSD too!

I have no doubt that Arthur, on some level, knows he was abused as a child; he displays many signs of this. For example, his body language during the infamous Retail Smile scene (when Hoyt is telling him he needs to return the sign to Kenny's Music), is submissive. Hands in front of him to protect his stomach suggesting he feels threatened by Hoyt but is trying to seem non-confrontational, the way he smiles when he's being criticised and doesn't argue against it... These are all signs of someone abused as a child. It's not definitive, mind you, this is an incredibly nuanced topic, and there's more to it than what I'm going into here, but I do think he's aware of it. Especially because he says in the hospital just before he kills Penny, "you used to tell me that my laugh was a condition", and on his card in the bus scene, it states something like "neurological disorder caused by brain injury".

It's mentioned that Arthur was found, as a child, malnourished, tied to a radiator, with severe trauma to his head, which is another possibility behind why he reacts so viscerally to finding out he was abused as a child and Penny (potentially) facilitated it. Arthur's brain wanted to protect itself from a terrible truth but the memory loss could have come from the physical trauma of the head injuries, as well as the psychological trauma.

That's what I love the most about this film: nothing is canonical and everything is down to personal interpretation. It's all ambiguous and two people who watch it together in the same room at the same time will watch two different films. It's wonderful.

I think Arthur knows. Seeing his Arkham folder totally ripped the ground from underneath his feet and was the final catalyst behind everything happening.

As for Penny being given Arthur back, I really don't know much of anything about American history or proceedings, but as I said before in another ask, it was the 1950s so I suppose Arthur got to stay with Penny because she's his mum, even with the abuse and the way she allowed it to happen. I don't think any thought would have extended beyond the child staying with his mum. I'm sure her boyfriend abused the both of them; there are many signs to suggest Arthur and Penny were both victims ("repeatedly abused your adopted son, and battered you").

Overall, it's a very complicated situation and this answer isn't exhaustive but I hope there's food for thought in here!

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

[misscammiedawn]

TAGGING LIST CONTINUED (because Tumblr only allows 100 links per post)

Fandom Tags:

Rush (the band) - Our favorite band. The First Constant. London (the city) - Our hometown. The Second Constant. Coffee (the drink) - Our favorite drink. The Third Constant. Ace Attorney - Meme factory. Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul - Meme factory. Castlevania - We like Vania. We just don't post about it often. Celeste - Trans folx can double jump. Plural folx can triple jump. Control - Jesse is such a great character. Faden/Pope forever. DBZ - Mostly shitposting but I often defend that Z is well written. DC Comics - I guess DC are okay. They're not Marvel though. Disco Elysium - Socioeconomic theory through the lens of a human disaster. Discworld - Best fantasy author. Dropout/Game Changer - I love silly improv fools and their dumb torture gameshow Dungeon Meshi - Autistic representation and Italian wlw monsterfuckers. Final Fantasy - We played Seven through to Ten The Good Place - The best mainstream philosophy show. Heaven Will Be Mine - Chicks dig giant robots. Mechs and queer theory. (Worst Girls Games like We Know The Devil are also in this tag) House of Leaves - That damned maze that my mind is trapped in forever. Hulk - Hulk is our favorite. DID sad boi and angry fail system forever. In Stars and Time - Trauma, time loops and coins with two sides. Kingdom Hearts - How many kids can fit in that heart anyway? Leverage - Meme factory. Parker is best thief. Marvel Comics - We are an unabashed Marvel fangirl. Metal Gear Solid - Used to be one of our faves. It's beautifully stupid. Mr. Robot - Our favorite TV show. It has its flaws but it heals. Neon Genesis Evangelion - We love this series more than we have words for. Pathologic - Existentialism and prickly pricks. We like Clara a lot. Penlight - VN that educates on the dangers of hypnokink and the joys when done right. Persona - Used to be big into this franchise but not so much these days. Phantom of the Opera - The musical is kinda hypnohorny, okay? Sailor Moon - Don't post here much but the aesthetic and vibes are peak. Scott Pilgrim - Canadian boy who is the worst and manic pixie trans girlfriend. She-Ra - Catra is our BPD cat wife. We love her. Signalis - Sapphic existential horror with robots, time loops and SYMBOLISM! Sonic - You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum that raised me. Sonic fandom forever. Spider-Man - Spidey is also a sad boi. Ben Reilly is our favorite. Star Wars/Star Trek - As an in-joke to ourselves we tag both franchises as "Star Stuff" Tamora Pierce - Second best fantasy author. Ted Lasso - Mental health and footie mens. Saccharine show. Tsukutabe - Adorable yuri manga about asexual women finding love and themselves. It's Madison/Belladonna if you replaced the hypnosis with meals. Tumblr :) - I love it here! Tumblr :( - I hate it here =/ Twin Peaks - Best TV show. Umineko - Meme factory and earnest story about generational trauma. X-Men - Marginalized communities fight for their rights in the best soap opera. Zelda - Link. HE COME TO TOWN!

Post Highlights:

Time Loops and Dissociation - A 5 act breakdown of how In Stars and Time exemplifies the allegory of time loops while depicting a protagonist with Complex PTSD.

Dissociative Disorders and Hypnosis - At Charmed 2024 a 101 class taught not to hypnotize people with mental illnesses that include dissociation. I FIRMLY disagree and explain how to safely work with dissociative partners.

Ethical Personality Play - A post about how hypnosis personality play is edge play and though I discourage anyone doing it, if you must, I will teach you how to do it safely. I have a lot of experience.

Recontextualized Memory and Unprocessed Trauma in Umineko - A rundown of how the murder mystery visual novel Umineko handles the topics of PTSD, complicated grief and unprocessed trauma memories with an explanation of distorted Core Beliefs and how the mind recontextualizes memories as they are retrieved throughout a person's life.

Mr. Robot DID Representation - Why I think Mr. Robot has the best representation of DID in popular fiction and why the ending was a complete fumble of the ball.

Mr. Robot Back to the Future & Brainwashing - How Whiterose brainwashed Angela, focused on psychological principles being abused and how the show's reliance on pop culture references influences in and out of universe.

For editing purposes: (Link to first post)

Miss Cammie Dawn Masterpost

Introduction:

Hi all! Welcome to my combination psychology, fandom, hypnokink, fandom and personal blog!

We're a middle-aged trans woman in our 40s. We're diagnosed with DID and type about it sometimes. We are American but have a British accent and we simply type too dang much.

People seem to like us, I guess? We're a system of 5 and have a huge draw to writing about dissociative disorder representation in fiction. If that's something that interests you then check out our Media Essays tag.

-

Our Tagging System:

Last updated: 10/13/2024 -

I am addicted to tags. If you ever want to find my original content or my fandom posts you will be able to easily here. Just click on the links below and all shall be neatly organized.

Also there are secret tags which are not advertised. Those ones are for me. A little personal treat.

General Tags:

Cammie Posting - tag for a soft and playful girl. Camden Posting - tag for a traumaqueer. Dawn Posting - tag for a flirty and extravagant Fae. Craig Posting - tag for the boy that lives in the heart of a girl. Utility Tag - Wynn's tag for a survival part who is learning to live.

Original Content:

Artwork Commissions - Any time I pay a lovely creator to do some art for me <3 Cammie Photos - Photos which feature this beautiful ginger in all her glory. Cammie Stories - My hypnosis related short stories. Fictional ones this time, though sometimes inspired by reality. Hypnokink Original Content - My little submissions of audio, visual or written hypnosis stuff. Hypnokink Writings - My personal opinions, info and resources on Hypnokink. Madison and Belladonna - Our series of hypnokink stories slightly based on reality going over a pair falling in love while one navigates their dissociative disorder Media Essays - A tag for my own big lengthy posts breaking down media (sometimes includes reblogs of other people's commentary) Media, Myself and I - Essays on DID representation in media. Photos We Took - We don't often share our proper photography work on Tumblr but sometimes we do and tag them here ReadOnlyMind - External link to my full length stories shared on ReadOnlyMind Scene Stories - Posts where we describe a scene that we did IRL. If I use this tag it is a recounting of real events. Suggestion Suggestions - Ideas for hypnotic scenes. Video Posts - Posts where we are on video. Voiced Posts - Posts where we record stuff and say it with our mouth words.

Personal Topics:

Asexuality - We are a kinky ace. We don't do sex or orgasms but sometimes do horny. BPD Specific - BPD is difficult to live with and impacts our relationships with others DID specific - DID is difficult to live with and impacts our relationships with ourselves. We try to educate on the topic. Mental Health/DID/BPD Topics - Watch Me Post My Trauma In Public Personal Posts - Ones which are just me venting or talking specifically about my life and experiences. Trans specific - This Is My Gender and I am Proud of It.

Meme Tags:

Bites You Bites You Bites You - Cammie has a tag entirely for biting people <3 Camus Posting - One must imagine Sisyphus memeing Fae Posting - Our loyalty lies with the Seelie Court and we must meme about it Puns - Craig likes puns and we put up with it. Shitposting - tag for when we're being silly. We Have To Meme or We'll Cry- Mental health/plurality jokes

Hypnokink Tags:

50 Days of Fetish Masterpost - Easy links to all 50 posts about why I love hypnokink with examples, audios, photos and videos. 50 Days of Fetish - Tag list of 50 different scenes and suggestions in hypnosis that gets me going and reblogs of other folx who participated in the challenge. Community Resources - Educational resources in hypnokink. Community Safety - Topics discussing dangerous topics and predators Con Recaps - Convention recaps for Charmed! and Beguiled Hypnokink conventions General hypnosis tag - General tag for all hypnosis topics. Hypnokink -General tag for all hypnokink posts. Hypnokink Art - Artwork featuring hypnosis. Hypnokink OC - Our hypnokink content Hypnokink Writings - Our posts and essays on hypnokink Hypnosis on Display - Audios, videos, demos and photos of hypnosis. Hypnosis Events - Convention information Hypnosis Fiction - Stories featuring hypnokink.

Thirst Tags:

Hypnokink Art - Did I mention we have a hypnokink? Redheads - We like redheads. We are redheads. Stage Magicians - Stage magic is hot. Do not @ me. Sword Lady Thirst - I just want my chin lifted by a sword so I have to meet their gaze... Vampire Thirst - Cammie Likes Redheads

Friends and Loved Ones:

Daja - Beloved. Double Grinch - Absolute sweetheart. Fellow Secret Mod. EllaEnchanting - Inspiration for asexual hypnokink, cool person and opinion haver. Lady Ru'etha - Goddess, Beloved. Linny Bee - Sweetheart. Hypnokink craft lady. Nath - Incredible writer. Good opinion haver. Metamour. Paperboy64 - Absolute sweetheart. Puppet - Counterpart. Metamour. Fellow Sleepyhead enjoyer. Skaetlett - Inspiration for plurality based hypnofiction. Superb person. Secret Subject - Boss. VTuber extraordinaire and good friend. Sleepyhead - Beloved. TennFan - An inspiration in asexual hypnokink content

Ask Tags:

Cammie Asks - Asks answered while Cammie is fronting. Camden Asks - Asks answered while Camden is fronting. Dawn Asks - Asks answered while Dawn is fronting. Craig Asks - Asks answered while Craig is fronting. Wynn Asks - Asks answered while Wynn is fronting. Ask Memes - Ask based games. We try to link the source but sometimes forget. Hypno Themed Asks - Asks about hypnosis.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[lolbatty]

Just a quick blurb about some of the stuff I’ve been feeling and struggling with lately about my slowly ending toxic relationship and other stuff..

So far the worst part for me has been convincing my childhood abandonment trauma brain that it’s OKAY to let this person go... that because of many valid actual damn reasons I witnessed they were not a great person for me to spend time with or put energy into.  They didn’t listen to me when I was speaking, did things for me only out of guilt, refused to introduce me to any of their friends or family, continually minimized my feelings, and lied to me constantly about their intentions for the relationship.

I think one of the more nefarious things about the relationship was that another person was involved that I didn’t know about at the beginning, an ex that they were still super close with.  I was trying so hard to be understanding, so scared that I was just being jealous or overbearing when I felt the fear grip me inside after discovering their relationship.  At one point this person even moved into their house, and I wasn’t allowed to come over anymore because ‘they’d get jealous’.  I believed badly tailored lies to keep me around because I was too scared to let them go, especially during the full-swing of the pandemic when I had no one else to be close to. I really valued this person.  I really wanted to believe that relationships are just complicated and messy and it wasn’t them still being in love with this other person, prioritizing them over me, but every instinct inside of me was screaming and every friend I talked to about it looked at me like I was crazy for trying not to be upset or suspicious.  I ignored my intuition, figuring that I was just overreacting.   Even now that we’ve broken up and are slowly drifting apart this other person is still a big part of their life, while their interactions with me are dwindling to nothing (a good thing obviously, but still painful for that inner child).  I should be happy, but part of me is insanely envious of this connection they have, even a little furious.  It triggers a very primal wound from my earliest years.

When I was growing up (4-11yrs) my I worshiped my Dad but he always had a lot of girlfriends, when I spent time with him in the summers I often had to ‘compete’ with these full grown women for his attention because he prioritized his relationships with them over his relationship with me.  It was heart breaking, and gave me a very unhealthy idea of what was expected of XX bodied people to attract and keep attention.  It also gave me a very DEEP and abiding wound centered around jealousy and envy which is haunting me the most right now with my current healing process.  Old, untouched parts of me are churning beneath the surface of my consciousness, altering my ability to regulate my emotions and think logically about how much better off I am not having this crap in my life.  I am SO PISSED OFF that this other person was -chosen- over me.  And even though I never met them, I always hear this ancient voice inside my head wondering.. what do they have that I don’t?  Why wasn’t I good enough?

It’s not that I want this destructive thing in my life, logically I know I should be singing and fucking dancing, howling at the damn moon because I escaped this invalidating cycle of bread crumbing, lying, gaslighting and back burnering.  I know I deserve better.  I want so badly to have better.  But there is so much pain inside of me from these deep old traumas, and I have a lot of really old scars that need to be re-examined and addressed.  In some ways I am grateful for this horrible experience because of everything I’ve learned about my anxious attachment, childhood trauma, complex PTSD and how it relates to my inability to have normal, healthy relationships. 

But I’m also pretty mad about the last two years of my life being an emotionally damaging experience, in the midst of a pandemic, shortly after the sudden and depressingly tragic death of my alcoholic, narcissistic father.

I’ve changed.  I don’t even remember what it was like to be me before 2018.  I don’t draw anymore.  I don’t post anymore.  Commissions are a struggle.  I miss the days of endless artwork and music and fandoms.. cruising tumblr and getting occasionally yelled at for making semi problematic statements because of my own personal growth.  I often find myself wondering about the artists I used to follow who also disappeared.  Where have they gone?  Are their lives getting better?  Worse?  Are they still with us?  I miss them the way I miss the old version of myself.

The years have not been cruel, but they have not been kind either.  This latest battle has been an eyeopening experience.  At almost 35 years I am just now learning I’ve been operating from these cornerstone hangups as if it were normal, like they were something that would get better or change over time if I ‘found the right person’.  But now I know I never will find the right person, not until I find myself, because I will always push away the people who love me and self sabotage anything good.  It’s too uncomfortable, too unfamiliar.  I wanted to get married one day, start a family and build a future for my loved ones, but right now it feels like I’m still clawing my way up to ground zero.

From everything I have seen about attachment disorders, there is definitely hope, but I will need a lot of counseling.  I have to change my relationship with myself before I can stop seeking out this same bullshit situation I’ve once again found myself breaking free from.  As of now, I’m finally understanding why I keep finding myself here.

To anyone else also dealing with childhood PTSD and attachment problems... this wound can be healed.  It takes time and understanding and a lot of hard personal work but it can be done.  Don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on love.  Get help.  Learn stuff.  Stay the course.  Short term pleasure is not worth the long term pain.  Sit on your throne, let people approach, maintain boundaries.  Give those people time to show you how they are going to behave towards you, how they are going to treat you.  I know it’s hard but it’s worth it.  Avoid jumping into physical intimacy quickly, it’s especially toxic when you have attachment disorders.  Don’t let people walk all over you, NO ONE is cool enough, accomplished enough or attractive enough to be allowed to get away with treating you like shit.  Not ever.  And if someone shows up who genuinely likes you, DO NOT search for reasons to prove them wrong.. I know it feels creepy or scary to be loved but they don’t want anything from you other than your heart, and that’s a good thing.  Embrace it. 

If you’re still here, thanks for reading.

[glitter-stained]

Okay. SO

> the thing about bpd (and also, in a different way, bipolar) is that some of the criteria technically could account for the inconstancies mentioned in Jason's writing as a character. Like, I don't often go down that road because a lot of content I call ooc I do it not because he's a villain but because it's villanizing mental illness (there's a fine line in writing a good villain/antihero in mental illness and btfc uses this line like a noose around its characters' neck) but the "Identity Disturbance: Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self" criteria could be one more argument towards bpd jason (to me it feels like a copout but that's because I spend waaay too much time analysing psychopathology in fiction). But aside from that, I'd say it's because regardless of what specific readers consider canon or not for Jason the reference for Red Hood!Jason analysis seems (from what I've seen ) communely accepted as Under the Red Hood, which is rich in, let's put it that way, signs and symptoms and explorative paths for diagnostic hypothesis. So maybe that's why!

> personally I don't see him as autistic (that's about the only part of me I don't connect with him lol), mostly because the things that I would read as autism I attribute to the bpd and general trauma, but it's complicated, the correlations between trauma and autism are complicated (there was this awesome 2022 article about it that described it I'll add it if I find it) so basically I don't see it but also I totally get it for the people who do. Also always love to see it in AUs!

> "arfid but not severe enough to be called a disorder" as an alternative: have you considered alimentary orality disorders? (Also when I do hc him with ARFID, I think about the texture of the dirt flooding his grave and choking him while he's clawing his way up)

> I don't know enough about DID to have an opinion on the matter because my country kinda just decided it didn't exist and if it does it's like an american thing and some of my teachers don't agree but since there's no consensus they just don't talk about it. We're like told "oh yeah don't worry about that it's a thing it probably won't be a concern to you one way or another." So like. Yikes. (I gotta do all the research myself and don't have time with all the other college stuff so I just don't know and it sucks uuurgh)

> finally when it comes to bipolar (I'd go with bipolar ii btw) I'm very uncertain. On one hand I can see it, on the other hand I feel like the bpd could be sufficient explanation for the symptoms and if he had bipolar it would certainly be an atypical form because there's no elation of the mood (like I don't see any instance of euphori, maybe I'm missing Jason canon that shows that though) and while you can technically diagnose bipolar ii without elation of the mood we're heavily discouraged from considering bipolar disorders in first instance. There's also the fact there's a not unfrequent comorbidity between bpd and bipolar. Irl in his case, I would make the diagnostic hypothesis of bpd, the alternative hypothesis bipolar and note that the psychiatrist doing the evaluation should take in account the possibility of comorbidity.

(obviously that's just my analysis and hc, exclusively from the categorial approach, everyone can have their own, especially if you have a disorder and resonate with the character in that regard that's totally valid i just wanted to share those thoughts)

Jason Todd has BFRBs. Send tweet

[gaywatch]

I think I accidentally deleted an ask I meant to answer, so gimme just a sec to reply here:

I’ve gotten two or three asks over the past several months about pausing during reactions to get my thoughts out before pressing play again to make sure I don’t miss anything important. (All of these asks have been from positive, respectful people who are just concerned about my experience/understanding of the series. There was no hate or drama, don’t worry.)

To clear everything up and have a handy little post to refer people to in case I get this question again: here’s why I film the way I do, the way I wish I could film, and why it can’t change right now:

It may look like I’m entirely missing whatever is happening in the show while I’m talking, but thankfully that’s not the case. I do my best to keep an eye on subtitles whenever I open my mouth. And then I have to edit the video later, where I basically relive the episode all over again and have the opportunity to catch things. I clock more than I miss, basically. In the instances where I miss something anyway, it’s the occupational hazard that comes with reaction videos (especially reactions to super complicated shows in a foreign language). Sometimes you miss stuff and just have to try and do better next time.

So that’s the good news. But also:

Like most small Youtubers, I do all of my own editing. I have experience with editing, actually, in that I’ve made several edits/fanvids over the years. When I make those, editing is fun and challenging and creative. Editing a reaction video, though, is tedious as hell for me. Transforming raw footage into a final reaction video only takes 2-3 hours but to my ADD brain it feels like death. The day I hire an editor is the day I weep with relief + gain energy and time to do even more Things. 

The tedium and time sink of editing is why my videos are the way they are. My intros and outros stay pretty brief, and I talk over bits of the episode instead of pausing because more talking and pausing = more editing (and more time filming). If I paused every time I needed to finish a thought I’d have to set aside another hour of filming plus another hour or more of editing. Another hour of filming would be fine, except I likely have a case of Sleep Phase Disorder, and already have trouble waking up in time to film for an hour before The Wife gets home at 4:45.* Adding on even more editing would...well it would make 2-3 videos a week much harder for me to produce. 

I’d love to take ten minutes to just spew thoughts and feelings after each episode, pause sometimes during an episode if I have a real thought that would take a second to share, etc, but it creates more work that I’m not prepared to handle. (You may be thinking, “But Brittany, other Youtubers talk about spending ten hours editing a single video and they do it twice a week and they’re fine.” To which I would say, “Yes, but they’re probably neurotypical, while I am a cocktail of depression, anxiety, ADD, sleep disorders, and trauma. After a decade of trying to be otherwise, I’ve had to accept that I’m fundamentally not capable of an average person’s work schedule. Ironically, accepting that has led me to produce more, instead of what I produced when I was wracked with shame and guilt...which was nothing.”

I hope this answers your very thoughtful questions and concerns, and thank you for bringing this up in a totally kind and encouraging way. <3

TL;DR - I need to hire an editor, but they’re expensive and my channel’s success isn’t quite there yet. 

*I can’t film videos the same way when she’s in the house. Our place is very small, and even when she’s in her bedroom with headphones I get weirdly self conscious at the idea that she could hear me? Who knows why. My brain is weird.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

hey jw if you could elaborate at all regarding s10 dean and food/eating disorder? i am not as versed on s10 as other seasons and would love to hear your thoughts!!

Alright, I was hoping to have more spoons tonight to answer to this but I know that if I put this off I’ll never answer. (The ghosts of things I said I’d elaborate on and never did will haunt me forever.)

As a general idea, Dean has a disordered relationship with food. That’s the foundation of disordered eating. Disordered eating can happen even without the “classic” behavior or symptoms that are typically associated to eating disoders (not eating almost at all, throwing up, etc). It can simply means that a person’s relationship with food is “complicated” in the sense that there are a lot of (often emotional) associations with food and that food is never... just food. A non-disordered relationship with food is when you eat what you need to be filled and reasonably content with what you eat and don’t really think too much about it - you’re hungry, you eat foods you reasonably enjoy, you feel like having a treat and you get one, if you are not hungry you don’t eat.

Dean’s relationship with food has layers and layers of emotional associations and trauma. The most notable is the fact that he experienced food scarcity growing up, which obviously left a mark in his relationship with food. He’s always in mode “take advantage of food while you can”, something Sam doesn’t have, and we know that Sam was shielded from experiencing food scarcity, mostly by Dean.

“Hunger” is one of the themes that are most recurrent all over the show. Hunger is mostly associated to monsters but the point is that it’s a fundamental experience of humanity, and in fact one of the spots where the line between human and monstrous get blurred. Monsters hunger for blood or flesh, but a lack of hunger means you have lost your soul, humanity inherently means that you have an emptiness inside of you that you crave to fill. Depression and similar conditions are linked to a lack of hunger - just look at the Famine episode, or when Dean is about to turn into a demon and Crowley notices that he’s not eating.

A lot of hunger-related (or simply associated to food in some specific way) monsters are mirror for Dean. Death and his junk food. Amara hungry for souls. But also humans with a disordered relationship with food... Donna who got overweight because of emotional eating. Remember in 2x19 when he’s put in a cell with a large man called Tiny? Dean needs to provoke him to create a diversion inside the prison and he tells him “Is it like a thyroid problem, or is it some deep seated self-esteem issue? ‘Cause, you know, they’re, uh, they’re just doughnuts. They’re not love.” and later Tiny says “Truth is, I have low self-esteem issues. My old man treated me and my brother like crap, right up till the day he died.” Ta-da.

Food, for Dean, is so often associated with comfort. I wrote recently about his relationship with food in relation to Mary, there’s also the way he finds a specific comfort in waitresses, not because they’re “easy” sexual objects but because “they smell of food” and that’s clearly an emotional source of a sense of safety for him. He just does a lot of emotional eating, I think that’s pretty obvious.

The Mark of Cain arc is where the show got the most explicit about this stuff. Across season 10 specifically there’s an arc about hunger and thirst, alcoholism and disordered eating. I’m really not good at doing the “in episode x there’s y, in episode z there’s w” but I’m gonna list the things that come on top of my head - season 10 is the season where he tries multiple “techniques” to control the Mark of Cain, which is inextricably connected with one of the worst periods of Dean’s alcoholism. He even tries to stop drinking and start eating “healthy” (in 10x11, most notably, where he eats a kale sandwich, back then kale was a meme in the fandom because of Misha). It doesn’t work, so he tries indulging in unhealthy food. In 10x13 there’s the infamous croissookie. Heck 10x12 is literally about the Hansel and Gretel witch and Dean eats the cake that the witch serves her victims to fatten them up. 10x15 is more focused on thirst but it also contains the moment “when in doubt, eat”. Season 11 also contains a lot of this theme (11x12: the Elvis burger versus the homemade meal at Jody’s, 11x13: the expired food the the fridge...). In season 12 Mary joins the fray, so to speak, their entire relationship dances around food for quite a while.

I’ve run out of spoons and not quite elaborated on the actual topic I was supposed to but if you have any specific question please ask!! The themes of food and hunger are the top “there’s so much to say so I procrastinate and never actually write cohesively about it” topic for me ever since 2015 lol. Feel free to bully me into actually talking about these things.

[sp00kybitme]

Okay so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share it in order to better my health because being upfront about your trauma is a good way to heal from it. So buckle up because this post is gonna be a real doozy:

So let's start by backing up about 4 years ago in the summer of 2017, I was 17 since my birthday follows the year number and I was going through my own personal turmoil, dealing with my already medically diagnosed PTSD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, and severe depression. I had falling outs with most all of my irl friends due to my declining mental health but the decline started around august as my therapist who worked the best for me was leaving the clinic. She was openly queer and I related a lot to her since I felt like for once I wasn't alone yet after she left I was distraught. Also at the time I had a falling out with my father and my brother was a recovering drug addict so you could say shit was really complicated around that time and my head space was not well.

So back in 2016 I was able to get a PS4 and I hadn't used it until 2017 due to being more focused on my mental health but I caved and began playing Overwatch and there I met some folks who made life seem somewhat normal for once, no high end conflict, no drama, just simple fun with friends is all I wanted and for a while I actually had that! That was until the coming month september.

So September was when I started breaking off from big friend groups and settled with 2 people, let's call them Z and J for context, So Z was someone who I would say had undiagnosed mental health issues and J was someone who was mutual friends with Z because they went to high school together. Z and J were some of my only friends and we as people really bonded over stuff and I felt like life was actually turning up after losing so much shit that year.

So just for preface/context: at this time I identified with she/her pronouns and went by the term pansexual/demiromantic but now after much time I identify with they/them pronouns and am at least asexual, as for romantic I'm still figuring that out. So November rolled around and I noticed conflict immediately, Z and J were subtly arguing and J was using a victim complex mentality to guilt Z into caving yet at the time I was an oblivious 17 year old who was just desperate was friendship to the point of trying to always be a mediator.

Z was always talking about how lonely they were and how every relationship they had never worked out and at the time I was not out about not being cisgender and so they perceived me as a girl. Throughout September to november they would CONSTANTLY ask me out to the point of it being a desperation and a guilt trip and at this point I was afraid. I had lost EVERYONE in my life here and it was so frustrating but for a month I would keep my boundaries up and say no because I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship and I didnt feel taht way about Z but they continued to push me and eventually I gave in and I remember the exact place it happened.

So we all 3 had a daily routine of getting on and playing Overwatch for hours just to talk shit and goof around so that day we were skirmishing on the "Temple of anubis" map and I said yes and in retrospect it was a horrible time to do that because it was in front of J and in turn made them feel loke a 3rd wheel. I wanna say that me conceding into a relationship while having no attractiom or interest was wrong of me and that I apologize for but again I WAS pressured as a minor. Also I forgot to say that Z was 19 and while that kind of age gap isn't inherently the worst, I was still an emotionally vulnerable minor being coaxed into a relationship.

So things went on relatively the same except for the fact that J was beginning to sound more spiteful and ended up getting upset easier and volatile which I blamed myself for but we'll get more into J very soon. So Z and I were noticing the change in behavior but tried not to bother J with it because they always didn't wanna talk about it. J confided in us at one point by telling us about their living situation being troublesome, they claimed they had no privacy, were verbally abused by their mother, and had relatives who were also abusive. We both had empathy for J and I was strongly affected by that since I had a strong disconnect from my father at the time who was abusive in a religious way.

We tried to keep things relatively normal at this point for the sake of J but Z was always trying to be bluntly romantic with me and I wasn't interested although they did ask me for "thigh pics" (lemme preface by saying I was still a minor at this point) but I was coaxed into that and virtual s*x which I was extremely uncomfortable with but Z had a strong tendency to victimize and guilt trip and I just wanted friends and had PTSD from friends levaing me and calling me selfish. It's not something I'm proud of but I genuinely was THAT scared of losing friends. In instances where J would get spiteful and resent Z, J at one point left our group chat and group and didnt reply to us because they attempted s*icide. We were HORRIFIED to find that out and really tried to keep a close eye on J into the new year.

2018 rolls in and now is the year that I consider my worst, I will TW// onward for talks of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, talks of s*xual assault, s*icide, homophobia, and gaslighting. So after J's s*icide attempt I felt even WORSE in a relationship that itself was already one sided but I powered through as to not upset Z. The friendship dynamic we had at this point was gone as it only seemed to be arguing and fake excitement. One thing we all did in the game was idolize specific characters and obsess over them for mental comfort to the point that we got emotionally distraught over their deaths in game, genuinely very unhealthy for all of us. One thing J would do at times was purposefully pick me and Z's characters in game in commit s*icide in game with them just to upset us and would sometimes mentally torture Z by forcing them to be the character Z hated which only screwed up Z's Mental health. J would also alwsys victimize and act like they weren't being treated fairly and that all culminated in January.

January 2018, J began putting the thought of a polyamorus relationship on the table as in J, Z, and I would all be in a relationship together which I wasn't too keen on but was open to if it made everyone happy. Z wasnt interested at all and for the span of 2 weeks of January, J kept trying to manipulate and coax Z into a relationship and had me try to convince Z as well which I didn't know was wrong but granted I didn't understand Poly relationships until years later. Z eventually half caved and gave it a try but a day later Z backed out because they felt uncomfortable. I was a bit irritated at that time and so was J but I didn't personally know why because I was very oblivious to love and how it was supposed to be. We also would play 1v1 type games for fun until this time because both of them were seriously bothered by losing in 1v1 games and would gloat when they won. I personally didn't care as much and would joke around for the most part just to have fun. After this month we stopped playing 1v1 type games.

Early February came and we all began hanging out in skirmish (which means like a map where you just freeroam for 30 minutes until it refreshes), sometimes we would do ship dynamics with each other for fun and at the time we were joking around. Me and J joked around about two male characters (Junkrat and Roadhog) being together and if you have seen the two characters then you'll know why. Their dynamic as friends is flawed but a popular one yet nonetheless I liked their dynamic as a relationship at the time. Around this time, Z was beginning to do what I would call "selective homophobia" as in they would like some gay ships and despise others. When Z was presented with a WLW (lesbian) ship, they would be 100% supportive yet when a specific MLM (gay) ship was presented, they would make gagging noises as if they were trying to throw up. I should also mention how often Z would send Overwatch porn to group chats and how it made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as a minor.

J would ultimately hold the blatant homophobia against Z and tried to turn me again Z for it. During this time, J was messaging me privately to try and convince me that Z was a bad person and that I should break up with them. Ultimately I agreed and broke up with Z over this and me and J distanced myself from Z to just hang out together. I was personally distraught in just finding out that a friend I was close to ended up being Homophobic all this time and emotionally it broke me a lot. At the time, J was there to help me emotionally and that initially helped me build trust with them. Eventually in mid February they asked me out and since they had helped me so much mentally, I felt out of a sense of obligation that being with them was something I almost owed them.

Side note: I wanna bring up this point as just a weird coincidence: February itself has always been one of the worst months for me every year, something horrendous has happened to me each February of each year and its weird because of how often I can recall this still being the case.

So After being around J for so long we started to just joke around and have fun as friends. They actually showed me their face for the first time over a video call which actually surprised me because they looked different then I thought they were but nonetheless I enjoyed their company because I felt like I had a friend. March rolled around and my birthday was coming up, my 18th birthday which was more of a big deal to J than me. They wanted to see me in provocative pictures and were constantly talking about how excited they were for it and I didn't understand why really. They were also 19 btw and they seemed way too excited for something as simple as that kind of picture. The day rolled around and I felt uncomfortable, I was told to send pictures and I did which admittedly made me uncomfortable as hell yet I still did and I was given positive affirmation for it. Little fact about me is that one thing I didn't get much growing up was positive affirmation so getting that made me feel like I was actually doing something right for once.

Over the next few months, J went from supportive and well intent to showing their true colors. As time went on they began to get more and more controlling with the things that I did as an individual. It went from supoorting the fact that I struggled with PTSD to using it as a reason that I shouldn't be making other friends besides them. From being supportive of my open mindedness with sexuality to coaxing me into spewing hateful rhetoric. Their family was actually really supportive of me at first, the thibg they had said about their mom turned out to be a lie used to play on my sympathy because their mom adored me as a person and constantly would ask if me and my mom needed anything. They sent us two big care packages through the mail with food and money for food and I originally was against that not just because I'm genuinely horrible at taking gifts but because they had my physical address and knew where I lived in case they wanted to "visit". The care packages meant a lot to me and my mom because we've been low income since I was little and having the luxury to live in a house or not have to worry about food consumption was something I never had.

During late spring, J began to be a lot more forceful with me by manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking many toxic things. I was afraid at this point of both J and being alone again. They would tell me that I should start acting more feminine and "like a girl" and that was REALLY triggering to me since over a big part of my life, I was questioning my gender identity and being forced into this feminine box made me hate myself. They would tell me to wear "panties", talk higher pitched, and even tell me to be a submissive partner who just lets them lead and me follow. I'm naturally a more dominant person in general so it was like I was disregarding a huge part of my identity. I was almost silenced into this role that J wanted me to be. They would force me to do lewd things online and while you could say that I shouldn't have been worried since it wasn't irl, they knew my address and last name.

One instance I remember was that J asked about my deadname and I told them and then questioned why I would change that name since it "was more feminine and fit me". It was upsetting to hear that but at least they didn't deadname me after finding out. They also kept telling me that I wasnt allowed to be attracted to anyone but them. I wasn't allowed to protest because they would threaten killing themselves and actually send a picture of them with a knife to their throat as if to threaten me.

A detail I left out intentionally was something that disturbed me the most about them and really makes me think they have a serious form of some kind of dissociative mental disorder. (Context: I'm not stigmatizing folks who have Dissociative disorders, my mother has one and the symptoms J exhibited make me think of someone who experiences detachment or disillusionment. Im not going to diagnose them but my instinct makes me believe that it could be something similar yet they have never been medically diagnosed.) J would constantly talk about a friend they had in elementary school who had taken their own life and how the spirit of this friend still keeps near them since they were close back then. This friend almost seemed to become a way to manipulate me later on in 2018.

This friend of theirs almost seemed to be a way to seperate themselves from how they treated me or avoid blame. This friend would threaten me that if I didn't let J r*pe me that they were gonna commit s*icide and that it would be my fault for not doing what they wanted. They also would threaten me to do what J said or else they would "possess" me. I'm someone who has had bad experiences with spirits so I didn't want to have more hell. J themselves would sometimes get extremely angry when I stood up for myself or expressed stuff I was really interested in and would threaten to track me down, assault me, and kill my mom. They also began pitting me against my mom because I would talk about how my mom was getting worried about me being hurt but J said that my mom was faking it and manipulating me and I almost believed J but I know my mom and I know she cares too much about me to do something like that.

Around September, I was practically an emotionless shell. I wasn't excited about anything, I wasn't angry anymore, I was barely feeling much of anything but a deep seeded sadness. I lacked in a lot of places and repressed any emotion I had so deep that I couldn't react to anything anymore. I think J began to notice because they started to actually act concerned after a while but that was flickering like a light switch. One of the last instances that I broke down was august of 2018 when I began crying heavily over microphone and begging them to not hate me. They had no reaction, no remorse , no empathy and when their mom came in they just left me there crying without affirming me at all.

During this time, I was sending hundreds of nude photos a day to appease them and they would get off and go to sleep and during the night I would secretly cry and look at queer based things in private to try and keep some semblance of my identity in tact. I actually started watching Sanders sides around July 2018 and enjoyed the series and how nice the fanbase seemed and it somehow helped me get through this rough period of time.

October was probably some of the worst time because I ended up missing my favorite holiday, Halloween which was the only time I personally enjoyed being myself because the element of the holiday made me happy. That halloween I spent on overwatch with J, overall miserable and hating myself. I also forgot to mention that J would dictate what I wore, they would hate that I wore boxer briefs and men's cologne and deodorant, they constantly questioned why I was trying to be masculine when I was AFAB but again I was also closeted with my gender identity and this shoved me even more into the closet when they would argue with me about it.

November rolled around and I had practically been at my breaking point, J was trying to convince me for weeks to move down south to live with them and their family and I was practically being forced. I have a fear of flying and I kept saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my disabled mom by herself and my mom also hates flying. J was trying to get things their way and forced me too and I was looking into flights even though I was deadset on not going. November 11th 2018, I wasn't replying to J's texts right away because I was actually standing up for myself. They began HEAVILY threatening to end their life and I remember sitting there and crying without emotion then I hung up on them and told them to stop calling and texting me as they had begun to text and call me incessantly. I said I needed a break and finally let out a breath when they said ok.

Around late November, I felt as though I had misjudged Z and unblocked and messaged them, apologizing for being a dick to them. They initially forgave me and I was just going to move on but they asked if we could play in a public chill server and I accepted just to try and get my mind off of J. As we entered into the game, J suddenly started spectating and Z left instantly out of fear. I only talked to Z just to apologize and give context as to what happened, I was desensitized and just needed a friend. J messaged me apologizing frantically and saying "if you've moved on to date Z, just tell me so I can move on" and I said "no, I just needed a friend right now and I need my space. Don't talk to me for a while, respect that one thing." And thankfully, I was actually left alone.

December rolled around once again and at this point I had finally blocked J and moved on from everything, J's mom had messaged me on Facebook and told me that I was a "filthy cheater who just used J for their kindess and didn't care about them" but I did actually genuinely care deeply about J yet he abused my compassion by gaslighting me and putting me into this false sense of security. Before I could reply, she blocked me so she never actually took the time to ask me. I was feeling guilty for leaving J but I was reassured by Z during that time period and Z had apologised for previous comments as well. Z ended up introducing another friend to the group, we'll call them A. We would first play Overwatch but immediately switch to Minecraft which I had bought when still with J to play with their family. Around this time I had begun to cling to Z uninitentionally due to recovering from my trauma and needing that affirmation that I wasn't some terrible abuser, as J had manipulated me to think I was. Z was getting a bit bothered by this yet they had never publicly told me nor did they understand why I clung to them in the first place. Z knew I had PTSD and I had told them exactly what I had just described earlier about what J had done to me and Z was initially very empathetic though I was never told that my clinginess was bothering them because I was in recovery mode. Eventually towards the end of January, I was told by A that they knew why I was so clingy with Z. At first I was confused because they both had known that I had PTSD but A proceed. "The only reason you're so clingy with Z is because you're secretly still in love with them, I can read you like an open book and you would do best to stop denying your obvious feelings for them" Hearing this made me personally disgusted, appalled, and upset mentally. Z kept to the side during this discussion and didn't go against A however they didn't deny A's words.

I retorted by speaking about my trauma and how it made me cling to people unnecessarily but then A proceeded to invalidate my trauma by implying that I was over exaggerating what I had gone through. I felt awful and I forcefully distanced myself from them both only to go back once again out of fear of being alone. This continued for a while until July 10th, 2019 when I finally distanced myself from Z for good. I made my own account on Instagram and over the span of 2 years, I built up a community of people who liked my work and I got my sense of individualism back give or take. I recently changed accounts because this era in my life is brand new and I couldn't be happier with where I'm at.

This post is more so a form of being vulnerable and a bit of exposure therapy. Sure im not a perfect person, I can't even publicly out my abusers but I think it would do more harm than good. If anyone wants to have a warning for their accounts, at least on YouTube, message me on my Insta in my bio. I'm sorry if this was long and possibly upsetting but I wanted to just get this out. I dont know who would be seeing this but if you read this far: thank you, honestly its upsetting to have to go through so much bullshit and I hate talking about it because it's difficult to really put shit out there without feeling like its some tupe of attention thing. I don't want to post this for sympathy, I want to post this for me, just to feel better about where I'm at and also face my trauma head on to heal from it. I'm not saying this to compare who's life is worse or not but I am posting this to better myself.

Thank you again,

Spooky

[chokefriends]

Multiple Personalities Millennial Trafalgar Law au

What if there was an op au that was like the millennial/genz answer to fucking Fight Club

May I present:

Dissociative identity disorder Law, but instead of being a toxic 90s action movie trope hes just this gay depressed millennial with some shitty early trauma, no will to exist in our dystopic modern society, and an antiestablishment streak a mile wide

So, one of us

His alters aren't some crazed antihero things, but protective personalities that (soemtimes ineptly) try to keep him safe from harm and stress

So, his crew

Penguin is the main alter, an efficient yet chill goofball who takes over whenever law cant deal with mundane stresses like going to the bank.

Look, hes a millennial, the bank is a fucking ordeal.

Shachi is a peppy, social sweetheart who takes over when law is forced into social situations, especially groups. Shachi and penguin together take care of most stresses Law faces in the world

Law can deal with most things, he's getting better. but there'll be seemingly random things like a siren or a screech of laughter and he'll just find himself phasing out, til hes gone, and penguin will find himself standing on the street with no real clue how they got there or what they're supposed to be doing. But he rolls with it! Penguins good at figuring things out and getting them home. Law leaves notes for him and shachi on their phone so they know what's up that day if something should happen. They record clips for each other on the phone too, to discuss things. They regard each other like roommates, even brothers.

There's the bepo alter, who comes out only in private, and carries the burden of Law's need for comfort. He's emotional, hesitant and extremely vulnerable. He's also one of the only ones law can let out or stifle on purpose.

Law tries to let bepo out now and then, because he feels bad that he's always stuck in the deep dark of laws head. Law will bring home a fluffy blanket and a pumkpin spice latte and let bepo take over for a couple hours, so he can experience some good things.

Then there are the Doffy and Cora alters

These aren't quite... as helpful as the crew alters, but they're not actually antagonistic. They're part of Law's development and they're older than the crew. They're also the only ones that can 'co-pilot' with law and share thoughts with him, though never at the same time.

Law can't control them.

They come out in response to more extreme stresses, and can sometimes take over and push law to the passenger seat. They are usually at odds with each other and sometimes fight to come out if they don't like what the other is doing.

Doffy is simple. He emerged from law's early experiences of extreme cruelty, and that's what he's good at facing. Any hint of toxic treatment from others and Doffy will suddenly be in Law's ear, analyzing the threat and suggesting horrific ways to eliminate it. He also tends to emerge in moments of extreme frustration or pain. He wants things to be simple for law -- he wants them to do the things that will get them ahead, and to not care about the human consequences

Law never lets Doffy take over because law is not a fucking idiot.

Law has a complicated relationship with cora.

Cora is an expression of love and altruism who emerged from witnessing others' pain. He's actually kinda violent himself, but just because he's so protective. He cant stand seeing others hurting, especially the weak, and will come out when Law is faced with injustice or grief.

Law feels complicated about him because this empathy and self sacrifice thing is seriously nothing but trouble. Every time. Law wants to do things Cora's way, he really does, but it's never good. You get involved in stuff you dont wanna.

Cora has a bad habit of taking over if Law is being resistant, and making him stop the bullies, punch the cop, or worse, offer a shoulder to someone in need.

Which is great, except that these things usually lead to Law being faced with violence or second hand trauma in turn, which then leads to... doffy coming out.

The fic is about Law navigating daily life with all this happening in his head. But the tension doesn't come from like, "will doffy win and make law do all kinds of crazy stuff" because all of the alters, doff included, are just there to keep law safe.

The tension of the story is about Law navigating the shitty everyday of late capitalism, and learning how to be vulnerable safely, and finding balance between his fight or also fight coping mechanisms, and maybe finding love...

I mean, definitely finding love.

And since this is a fight club au, at the end of the fic he definitely still blows up some credit card company together with his lover and they hold hands