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enchi-elm · 1 year

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Apfelessig rewatches Turn S01E01: Pilot, second half

30:21 It's the little details, like all these women doing laundry and wearing proper headwear.

30:36 ...Can I just point out that the first person to ask Anna if she's alright is Captain Simcoe. Like she's beating the crap out of a jacket with a wooden paddle, no, she's not, but it's nice you care?

31:19 "Your husband has been shipped off to prison--" Zero points for tact, Simcoe.

31:40 Simcoe, you're such a dick. I think--honestly, I think it's a bit overdone to have the whole "establish him as a villain by making him appear predatory to women, or at least, one specific woman" thing, in fact, TV producers, I'm wholly sick of it. There are so many more interesting ways to make someone a baddie. Simcoe's a menace in so many other ways.

33:12 I can't believe people just paddled into the Sound in a rowboat. It's the freaking Sound.

33:24 ...and then Abe even falls asleep in his rowboat. In the Sound. At night.

33:56 Wild to me that Continental Congress can arrest people. Like, I get it, at this point it's a...what would be a good word, alternative government? Or, like, a military occupation? Militia government? Brain's fried. It's just funny, like, "we're setting up our own Justice system and included in the list of possible charges is illegal trade", like, oh good, I'm glad that was a priority when you were planning to denounce your relations to the British King. (edit: Okay, actually, that does make sense, if it's about not passing on resources to the enemy.)

Also, like, I have a lot feelings about Ben XD like, I love him, I relate to his characterization a lot, and obviously I am a die-hard Tallster shipper, but he did very much waterboard his childhood friend. Like, that is a thing he decided was a good way to coerce his friend to work for him.

34:51 I mean okay, it's not clear that Ben ordered them specifically to waterboard him, but like, he did set up his imprisonment. He's not, like, immensely concerned with Abe's well-being after either.

35:37 Even Abe doesn't trust him XD Ben is straight-up stone cold in this episode

36:18 I love this scene, everyone's so sneaky

37:07 This is the legal definition of entrapment, isn't it?

38:30 "And the 12 pounds." Abe figures it out so quickly that they set him up. (edit: HA!)

39:03 Oh Abe. Of all the smart, STUPID STUPID things you could have done to cover up the fact that you got arrested for smuggling, coming back to town with a fake/self-inflicted wound when there's a murder inquiry on is number 1 on the list.

40:27 "Captain Joyce is dead?" If you look at his face, you can see his life flashing before his eyes as three people who consider him a prime suspect wait for him to catch up.

42:18 "I've never killed anyone." "I have. Plenty just like you." Oh, Samuel Roukin. I would like to buy you a beer some time.

42:25 "Travel safe!" XD Also, Simcoe just like bodily throws Abe to the growd like he weighs---

42:47 ANNA AND CALEB, YES!!

43:01 Anna, probably: My husband has been arrested, there is a threatening British captain living in my house, I manage my estate alone, and now there's someone signalling me from my barn. I think I'll go investigate this dark building alone because I don't feel vulnerable enough.

43:19 Oh. Not Caleb, not yet.

43:30 Oh yeah, Simcoe's Welsh.

44:25 "Caleb? You saw him! How is he?" Keeping Strongbrew alive in the year of our lord 2023 <3 @ladytp @lucyemers

44:27 "Unshaven. He's insane." Ahhh, the words that sparked a mythology. <3

44:35 "Ben? They were together?" ....You know I don't think I've seen a fic where Anna is the jealous one. That could be interesting. I have a modern AU WIP where Ben finds out about Anna and Caleb having a fling and he's the one who gets jealous (though he's not clear who he's jealous of).

45:04 "What more are you waiting for?" Listen, if Anna and Mary were the main characters of this Culper Ring, the war would have ended years sooner, just saying.

46:29 "Anarchy." "You mean self-rule." "I mean chaos masquerading as freedom."

47:00 Judge Woodhull: Abe can you maybe just make it a bit easier for me to keep you alive and out of prison and your family sheltered and fed

47:27 LOL HEWLETT: Good of you to want to pay the fine for smuggling but honestly you're probably too broke so I guess you're going to prison. *turns to Abe's dad, also at the dinner table* Sorry, can't play favourites Abe's Dad: OR OR OR HANG ON OR WE CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE

48:09 Hewlett's just too good at his job. I love his characterization, he's such a liability to everyone's plans because he's fastidious, orderly, and well-mannered and wants to find reasonable solutions for everything.

48:59 Oh the Woodhull father-son drama. I totally tuned out on my first run-through whenever this came up, it just really wasn't my scene. I found Townsend's family relationships far more interesting.

49:04 Hewlett: ...and another reminder that I am really good at my job, if not knowing who to trust with my information, is that all your friends will unknowingly shortly be under attack by a homicidal maniac I barely keep under my command. Good night, all!

49:54 Who feeds all these soldiers? I've never heard of military records where a side was saying they were actually getting the properly rationed amount of food but I've seen plenty of records complaining about how well-fed the other side was.

50:49 I have no memory of this scene. Abe's first real act of espionage and I remember none of it. Can't even remember what he does with it.

52:46 Ohhh okay, so I guess Ben just gave Abe his entire Culper plan without knowing yet that Abe was actually going to go through with it. I thought Abe'd send a letter first or something being like "okay, I'll do it" but then how the heck would you get that to Ben. Just seems a bit risky, like, "Okay Abe, I've strong armed you but you don't seem convinced, anyway here's exactly how to reach me". ...I guess he didn't really have a choice

53:19 "Barrel. Over a barrel." It took me a while to learn what that meant. Simcoe playing such a creep.

54:40 Captain "No Need" Simcoe, lifts an entire barrel of cider by himself

55:17 Hey hey real quick you know what never got explored in enough detail? The slave ownership and indentured servants on display by the main characters. edit: "Yeah but Abigail--" ABIGAIL NEEDED TWICE AS MUCH SCREEN TIME AND A BETTER EXPLANATION OF WHERE SHE CAME FROM.

55:52 What, Abe, I thought you'd figured this out already? What was the "And the 12 pounds" about earlier then?

56:12 "You passed muster when you refused to give up my name." Abe, your childhood friends played you like the cheap kazoo you are. I would love to have seen that conversation with Ben and Caleb where they plan this, like, "Okay, we need to force Abe to play ball. Ooo, I know, let's set him up, arrest him, and see if he squeals on you." "Excellent idea. Shall we make him fear for his life?" "Oh, several times, why not?" "Why don't we just try to drown him after we first shoot at him?"

56:23 Should we keep a count going as to how many times Caleb gets punched in the face in this show? Because: 1

56:31 "I'm 2nd Company, 4th Battalion, New York Regiment. Alright?" Readers, do you have any idea how much I tried to find anything to confirm or explain that. I wholescale gave up, lampshaded and straight-up fabricated a backstory for Wind and Water, even before it became plot-relevant. I'm convinced no one understands or understood how the Continental Army worked in 1776. No one. "I'm assigned to special detail with Captain Tallmadge." Remind me, again, they never met, right? Do you know how hard it is to investigate the military record of a man who's backstory has been so foundationally altered? From the 1700s?

59:40 BATTLE COUPLE BATTLE COUPLE BATTLE COUPLE

1:00:53 Ben you salty man.

1:01:30 Hmmmmmyesssssss this Ben/Caleb interaction is so revealing as to their personalities. *chef's kiss*

1:01:43 I have seen this gif a million times, it's so weird to see it in its natural habitat.

1:02:09 Mary! <3 ...is she literally the only person to say anything kind to Abe in this entire episode?

1:03:45 Sprout <3

And that's the end of episode 1! Fun experience to see it again after so long. It's so much richer than I remember <3 Maybe I'll do a proper rewatch of the whole thing. It'd be nice to go back to something comforting.

#turn amc #Apfelessig rewatches Turn #spoilers

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woolfean · 9 months

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The Atheist

”I no longer believe in God”, a release from his voice, administered with trepidation. Only this very moment dallying courage triumphed over his hesitation and fear of declaring his belief. The room was quiet, saints erected with divine power; he there felt confined, airless. He felt his sanity stretched, thinking of God; thinking of Hell: that the Forces of Heaven shall purge this city, the world: he thinks of London and Big Ben; the streets and their beauty compared to Italy and its blue and green hills; he thinks of Rome and its rusty Earth and now life in Bacolod, here in its very moment: life continues; the motors flows and think we are all smoke evaporated after our fragile life. He always felt the intensity of his life; he felt all the strokes, the pound like he came to listen to Beethoven and Brahms. The life he shepherded felt spoilt; Bacolod is no compensation for the life of writers, artists and intellectuals living in Paris and London; then never did he feel it was enough compensation for the beauty of Rome, Italy, and London, too. Life gets thickens all the time. Spoilt. Greasy. All moments that seem perpetually moving are exacerbated. He felt the dull weight of his atheism. He simply cannot believe in God anymore. “There’s hell”, he said, yet stupefied by his inability to believe God. The room was no English; he could not sit in the fire, reading Milton. Exhausted dropped in the bed like a mummy wrapped by the thick veil of darkness. The mahogany burgundy table, the windows open, dead was the air, insipid. The book was dropped weightless on the table. Schubert is playing on his laptop. “He is divine”, he said lacking of technicality to describe Schubert. He had his hand the book of Flannery O’Connor and Diary of Virginia Woolf. He had loved reading; it was a dear occupation to him. A regret occupied him: memory slipped through. He still lay there, obnoxiously controlling his sanity. How many years did he think of not reading a book because he knew for he will analyse his belief and knew that he'll abandon God? The failed transition to atheism was the greatest madness he’d ever known. A rotten respite coming back like a worm to dig up his mind that he cannot never rid. “Stoic apple” he said mockingly, “so receptive and enduring” He carried his religious burden like a cross. “I must read Irish. I must not alone read James Joyce - there’s Mary Lavin and there is Elizabeth Bowen - but I think Bowen wrote of London, of life in the war, of marriage. London survive as an organism, a civilization she observed it. How about Frank O’Connor? Seán Ó Faoláin. But they want to liberate, I think, Ireland from Christianity. I must still read Irish.”

A complication that he had to refresh his mind He had a satisfactory of writers that reflect his biases. More than that: the feeling of having the same life and struggle for the restoration of his faith. Then, who shall we run into Greene, Updike, and Eliot? It is the insistence of his comfort to read them. The renewable literature for his decayed, rotten religious belief. Annie Ernaux's books look modest on the table covered in white, tantalizing as cream. He looked at it; then his eyes jumped from one another and saw the multitudinous of his books. There, is the book of many writers that have cast their voices into us. His breathing is continuous yet short and he knows his anxiety corrupting him again. The chest look pumping and waiting for a rescue. He can feel the dashing of air on his throat - then stopped; continuous swirling on his neck down to his chest. “Oh God. Don’t! I have not lived yet.” But one thing we know is he cannot die because he is afraid of hell. He was afraid that he could not afford to sacrifice for that. He loved his life, and if he denounced his atheism, he’d lose himself: his whole life. Thinking is what makes him. He is his own thinking. Bacolod is nothing but the remains of Sodom, a city of Sin, of false light: an impious city full of celebrations. Will he condemn the life he lived he had said? Then he was a Sodom of himself, deprived of love, lavishes the life of the flesh. “Should I read books?” he uttered. Thinking made him insane. All thinking men are mad, he said. He fled away from God for his incessant desire to anchor himself to his whole belief and found himself in the immensity of his boat in the rainstorm. “Crane, yes, Stephen Crane,” How envied the freedom of bird; never feared of immensity: yet we are in this small ship. How long we can tolerate these: these changing scenes of life: increase the volume of madness: never ceasing?” The mind seems to settle in like a pear drop on the soft air. He rose; then, he strode and strode like a pendulum in the room. “What should I read? Then he thinks of Philosophers. Then, who he thought to read? The books of Jose Saramago, Par Lagerkvist, and Nikos Kazantzakis lay flat there. He opened the book of Par Lagerkvist, “Barabbas” the man who cannot believe in God but he cannot pray nor affirm his faith. He can only say, “I want to believe.” The windows opened, and seems moths rushes to him to infect the reflection, "Am I still him?Now, he felt distance to his past belief. Doggedly, he flings on his belief. “I shall read yet what I ought to read? Theology. Not this time.” But what seems to matter with him about the man relationship of God and Man when finished Woolf’s diary: he can only think of its beauty. Now, there is no going back. Yet what a faint feeling of religious crisis still attached to him. The tightening grip of the dominant church on his ideology made him apolitical. No one can change his belief now. “I can finally read Milton, now!”. He can now read English Literature without holding back. In the cabinet he stacked the multitudinous and voluminous works of English Literature: the voluptuousness of poetry: its meditation. “To lay ground, the soft bluish sky and white clouds flew like a white dove and will read Keats or Shelley.” The struggle is over. He felt no longer shackled by religious dogma. Hell was no longer his concern. He felt it over. “To crouch in the ground like a bird. To immensity of the world.” Now he felt his courage. For he thought that everything was over: the moment was revealed to him: God had left him, the air was dead, and the world lay flat and motionless. He thought of hell. The vivid fire struck him. God is unreachable, and he cannot restore his faith. He whispers to stricken air with disquietude “Oh God!”

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sunnydaleherald · 1 year

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The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter - Monday, June 19th

WILLOW: Nobody's changing their minds. Period. XANDER: Excuse me? Who made you the boss of the group? ANYA: You did. TARA: You said Willow should be boss. ANYA: And then you said "let's vote," and it was unanimous... TARA: ...and then you made her this little plaque, that said "Boss of Us," you put little sparkles on it...

~~Bargaining~~

The Sunnydale Herald is looking for at least one new editor. Contributing to the Herald is a great way to get your Buffy on! Find out more here.

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Barren Nails (Spike/Buffy, PG) by acekoomboom

All Five (Spike/Buffy, PG) by acekoomboom

147 And a Half (Spike/Buffy, T) by acekoomboom

Dawn of a New Day (Spike/Buffy, Not rated) by acekoomboom

6am (Spike/Buffy, T) by acekoomboom

Tremors (Giles/Buffy, G) by Kangaleigh

Victorious Floating Warrior (Spike/Buffy, G) by acekoomboom

Snot goblin (Spike/Buffy, T) by acekoomboom

No You Don't (Spike/Buffy, G) by acekoomboom

Sitting With a Glass (Spike/Buffy, G) by acekoomboom

I am The Only One (Spike/Buffy, T) by acekoomboom

You Are Never Going To Believe Who Just Showed Up (Spike/Buffy, G) by acekoomboom

They Have Each Other (Spike/Buffy, Not rated) by acekoomboom

Moment of Weakness (Buffy/Spike, R) by flootzavut

[Chaptered Fiction]

Do We Serve Water In This Bar? Chapter 1 (Buffy/Faith, E) by Alwaysandforevermylove

Tore Down House Chapter 3 (Buffy/Faith, E) by Alwaysandforevermylove

Poodle Chapter 4 (Buffy/Spike, PG) by myrabeth

Aspectus Chapter 11 (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by Kirinin

Presumably Dead Arm Chapter 8 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by Tragic

In The Dark With You Chapter 14 (Buffy/Spike, R) by Geliot99

Cause I'm Beggin' Chapter 3 (Buffy/Spike, Adult only) by Ifeelittoo21

A Place in the Sun Chapter 16 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by honeygirl51885

[Fandom Discussions]

SoS: The Pack: Xander's Dark Moment? by nightshade

The Death of Discussion by iwhale

Which Dawn centric episode do you think is the best? by Stoney

What buffy opinion would get you in this situation? by Klaus Kartoffel

What the heck happened between Angel and Buffy at their reunion after the events of Flooded (S6x04) by Madido24

SMG on the Rosie O'Donnel Show in 1998 by JewelerDear9233

How did Joyce know that Dawn wasn't actually her daughter? by Eltheslayer

...or watch Season 6 by Buffy_GIFs

Who does Faith love the most? by Excellent-Durian-509

Do I need to watch Angel s4 at the same time as Buffy s7? by pseudodeep17

If I was Buffy I'd have been friends with Oz and Cordelia over Xander and Willow by peachyyybabey

Does anyone wish Giles had gotten another love interest? by AJM_Reseller

worst xander moment by rainbowdiscoball

Did Cordy die at the end of You're Welcome? by jospangel

Pick Your Scooby Gang (minus the main 3) by Stellz04

Xander should have become a far better demon/vampire fighter as the series went on by KevTravels

I really wish Xander didn't essentially get overlooked in the later seasons by KevTravels

"I Only Have Eyes For You" and people living out a script by Sword_Fish_27

Was Alyson done 1/2 way through Season 5 or is it just me by wallstreetliam

Giles putting on his glasses before killing Ben by goldenhoneyheart

Warren as a serial killer by goldenhoneyheart

Are there some scenes you can’t keep your emotions calm for? by Kilomech

Angel and Darla were sexy as hell together by Sweet-Siren

Why is season 6 so polarising among fans? by Madido24

Despite the shows focus on girl power, was Jenny fridged? by TheOddysee

What questions did you have after finishing Buffy? by InfiniteMehdiLove

In your opinion what was the most tragic death in the show by HopeMikaelson69

The brilliance of Spike's character by Leehblanc

"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." by LiviaDruzilla

Which Cordelia relationship was the best? by Sweet-Siren

Pick something you don’t like about your favorite season of the show by hhjmk9

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think Buffy is a genre bender! by Buffvamporigfan

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impalementation · 3 years

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spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 3

part 1: “When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

“Something effulgent”: Season five and the construction of Spike the romantic

Prior to becoming a romantic interest, Spike is everything I discussed in the last section. He is an id and a mirror for Buffy, he’s prone to both romantic exaggeration and cutting realism, and his liminality suggests ambiguity. But outside of “Lovers Walk”, the writing doesn’t actually delve too deeply into Spike’s nature as a romantic. If you stopped the canon at “Restless”, you’d probably think that Spike’s love for Drusilla was intriguing, but that the show hadn’t really gone anywhere with the implications of it, and for all you knew, that might not be an important part of his character anymore. So one of the most interesting things about season five to me, is that in this season in which the writers first consciously, deliberately decide to explore the sexual and romantic tension between Spike and Buffy, they also emphasize Spike’s romanticism more than ever. The choice to define Spike by his romanticism is a choice that follows naturally from everything established about his character, but it was also not an inevitable choice. Therefore, it’s a choice worth looking at in some detail.

Consider everything that “Fool For Love” establishes about Spike, especially the things that contradict what was supposedly canon at the time. It makes Drusilla his sire instead of Angel, meaning that he is sired by a romantic connection, and as a direct result of heartbreak. It makes him a poet living in the middle of the Victorian era, an age at odds with his previous ages of “barely 200” and “126”. Meaning that the writing specifically decides to ignore its canon in order to associate him with an era in which passions would have been repressed (rather than the Romantic era of the early 1800’s or the modern energy of the early 1900’s). Moreover, the episode reveals his entire aesthetic and personality to essentially be a construct. But most tellingly of all, it reveals him to be an idealist. Spike is not just a performance artist; he yearns for the “effulgent”, for something “glowing and glistening” that the “vulgarians” of the world don’t understand. In other words, he yearns for something bigger and more beautiful than life: something romantic. Later, he chases after “death, glory, and sod all else.” Spike may be a “fool for love”, who has a romantic view of romantic love specifically, but the episode is very clear about the fact that he is also a romantic more generally. When Drusilla turns him, she doesn’t tempt him by telling him she’ll love him forever. She tempts him by offering him “something…effulgent”. (Which, in typical Spike form, the episode immediately undercuts by having him say “ow” instead of swooning romantically). The fact that “Fool For Love”, Spike’s major backstory episode, is so determined to paint him as a romantic--and in particular, a disappointed, frustrated romantic--that it is willing to contradict canon to do so, tells you that this choice was important for framing Spike and his new, ongoing thematic role.

I’ve talked in the past about how season five is all about the tension between the mythical and the mortal--between big, grand, sweeping narratives, and the reality of being human. Buffy is the Slayer, but she’s also just a girl who loses her mother. Dawn is the key, but she’s also just a confused and hormonal fourteen-year-old. Willow is a powerful witch, but she also just wants her girlfriend to be okay. Glory is a god, but she’s also a human man named Ben, and finds herself increasingly weakened by his emotions. And Spike embodies this tension perfectly. He’s a soulless vampire with a lifetime of bloodshed behind him, but he’s also this silly, human man who wants to love and be loved. He wants big, grand things, but every time they are frustrated by a Victorian society, a rejection, a chip, a pratfall, or dying with an “ow”. Furthermore, his season five storyline is all about the tension between loving in an exalted, yet often selfish way, versus loving in a “real” or selfless way.

There was a fascinating piece a ways back that discussed how Spike’s attempts to woo Buffy in season five almost perfectly match the romantic narratives of Courtly Love. In the words of the author:

The term "Courtly Love" is used to describe a certain kind of relationship common in romantic medieval literature. The Knight/Lover finds himself desperately and piteously enamored of a divinely beautiful but unobtainable woman. After a period of distressed introspection, he offers himself as her faithful servant and goes forth to perform brave deeds in her honor. His desire to impress her and to be found worthy of her gradually transforms and ennobles him; his sufferings -- inner turmoil, doubts as to the lady's care of him, as well as physical travails -- ultimately lends him wisdom, patience, and virtue and his acts themselves worldly renown.

You can see for yourself how well that description fits Spike’s arc. He fixates on the torturous, abject nature of his love, and has it in his head that he can perform deeds and demonstrate virtue, and this will prove to Buffy that he is worthy of her. But despite Spike’s gradual ennobling over the course of the season, I think it would be a mistake to see the season as using the Courtly Love narrative uncritically, or even just ironically. The same way it would be a mistake to see season two as using the Gothic uncritically. Spike is as much Don Quixote as he is Lancelot. He is a character that deliberately tries to act out romantic tropes, giving the writing an opportunity to satirize those tropes, including the tropes of chivalric romance. In particular, the writing criticizes Spike’s (very chivalric) fixation on love as a personal agony, something that is more about pain--and specifically, his pain--than building a real relationship. Over and over in season five, he is forced to abandon these sorts of flattering romantic mindsets in favor of a more complicated reality.

So at first, Spike’s “deeds” tend to be shallow and vaguely transactional. He tries to help Buffy in “Checkpoint” even though she doesn’t want it (and insults her when she doesn’t appreciate it), he asks “what the hell does it take?” when Buffy is unimpressed by him not feeding on “bleeding disaster victims” in “Triangle”, he rants bitterly at a mannequin when Buffy fails to be grateful to him for taking her to Riley in “Into the Woods”, and he is angry and confused when Buffy is unmoved by his offer to stake Drusilla in “Crush”. While these attempts to symbolically reject his evilness are startling for a soulless vampire, and although Spike certainly feels like he is fundamentally altering himself for Buffy’s sake, none of it is based on understanding or supporting Buffy in a way that she would actually find substantial. Moreover, he lashes out when his gestures fail to win her attention or affection. He has an idea in his head of how their romantic scenes should play out, and reacts petulantly when reality fails to live up to it.

But these incidents of self-interested narrativizing are also continuously contrasted with scenes in which Spike reacts with real generosity, or is surprised when he realizes he’s touched something emotionally genuine. When Buffy seeks him out in “Checkpoint”, his mannerisms instantly change when he realizes she actually needs real help (“You’re the only one strong enough to protect them”), rather than the performed help he offered at the beginning of the episode. At the end of “Fool For Love” he’s struck dumb by Buffy’s grief, and his antagonistic posturing all evening melts away. He abandons his romantic vision of their erotic, life-and-death rivalry in favor of real, awkward emotional intimacy. In “Forever” he tries to anonymously leave flowers for Joyce, and reacts angrily when he’s denied—but this time not because he wanted something from Buffy. Simply because he wanted to do something meaningful.

This contradictory behavior comes to a head in “Intervention”, the episode in which Spike finally begins to understand the difference between real and transactional generosity. Up until that point, Spike has been reacting both selfishly and unselfishly, but he hasn’t been able to truly distinguish between them, which is why he keeps repeating the same mistakes. Although he touches something real at the end of “Fool For Love”, for instance, he goes on to rifle through Buffy’s intimates in the very next episode. And so “Intervention” has Spike go to extremes of fakeness and reality. He gives up on having the real Buffy, and seeks out an artificial substitute that lets him live out his cheesiest romance novel scripts. It’s important that the Buffybot isn’t just a sexbot, even if he does have sex with her. She’s a bot he plays out romantic scenarios with the way he played them with Harmony in “Crush”, allowing him to almost literally live within a fiction. But then he “gives up” on having Buffy in a way that’s actually real, by offering up his life. He lets himself be tortured, and potentially killed, for no other reason than that to do otherwise would cause Buffy pain. The focus is on her pain, not his. For the first time, he acts like the Knight he’s been trying to be all along. He performs a grand, heroic deed that causes the object of his affection to see him in a different light, and even grant him a kiss. Yet ironically, as part of learning the difference between real and fake, he ceases to press for Buffy’s reciprocation. Through the end of season five, Spike continues to act the selfless Knight, assisting Buffy in her heroism without asking for anything in return. Which culminates in his declaration that he knows Buffy “will never love him”, even after he’s promised her the deed of protecting Dawn, and even though she allows a kind of intimacy by letting him back in her house. He proves that he sees those gestures for what they are, rather than in a transactional light. The irony of the way Spike fulfills the narrative of chivalric romance, is that his ennobling involves letting aspects of that narrative go.

In a Courtly Love narrative, the object of the Knight’s affection is fundamentally pedestalized. The Knight himself might be flawed, but the woman he pines after is not. She is “divinely beautiful” and “unobtainable”, something above him and almost more than human. This is why it’s so comic that in Don Quixote, which was a direct satire of chivalric romance, Alonso Quixano’s “lady love” is a vulgar peasant farmgirl who has no idea who he is. (Think of the way Spike asks if Buffy is tough in “School Hard” or threatens to “take her apart” despite “how brilliant she is” in “The Initiative”, followed by scenes where Buffy is acting like the teenage girl she is. Or how Giles in “Checkpoint” says that Buffy has “acquired a remarkable focus” before cutting to Buffy yawning.). Although it’s true that Buffy is beautiful, and supernatural, and profoundly moral, she is also very human, and the writing is very concerned with that humanity. Season five in particular, as I’ve mentioned, is preoccupied with the duality of Buffy’s mythic and mortal nature. Thus it becomes significant that Buffy is assigned such a heightened role in Spike’s chivalric narrative. Just Spike is at once Lancelot and Don Quixote, Buffy is at once Achilles, Dulcinea, and a coming-of-age protagonist.

And part of the “lesson” of Spike’s arc is for him to see both sides of the roles they embody. One of my favorite things about the scene in Buffy’s house in “The Gift” is how adroitly it conveys the dualities of both Buffy and Spike with simple, but poetic imagery and language. Buffy stands above Spike on her steps, conveying her elevated role, and Spike honors the way her heroic status has inspired him by physically looking up to her as he explains that he expects nothing from her. But by expecting nothing from her, and promising to protect her sister, he also honors the fact that she is a real person with no obligation to him, and a younger sister she cares about more than anything. He also honors his own duality by at once making Knightly promises, and acknowledging that he sees through his former delusions: “I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man.” In “Fool For Love” he tried to acknowledge the same duality of realism and romance, by declaring to Cecily that “I know I’m a bad poet, but I’m a good man.” But at the time, he was an innocent, whose desire to be seen, and whose romantic avoidance of “dark, ugly things”, left him unprepared to understand how Cecily really saw him (similar to Spike’s insistence in “Crush” that what he and Buffy have “isn’t pretty, but it’s real” just before Buffy locks him out). Spike is a character defined simultaneously by continuous disillusionment and dogged aspiration, which is why he makes perfect sense as a character to embody a season torn between the pain of being human, and the wonder of the gift of love.

Fittingly, the season ends with Spike’s most devastating loss of innocence of all. He fails to be the hero for Buffy or Dawn (note that Knightly language he uses on the tower: “I made a promise to a lady”), and he loses the woman he loves. He may have become more virtuous, but unlike in a chivalric romance, that virtue wins him neither Buffy, nor something flattering like “world reknown.” The climax of the “The Gift” is full of romance—a god, a troll hammer, a damsel on a tower, a heroic self-sacrifice, a vampire transformed into a Knight—but the end result is that Buffy is dead, in part because he wasn’t good enough, and all that he and the Scoobies can do is grieve. Stories got Spike nothing, even when reality finally lived up to them. It is a swan song to the myths of childhood, and on the other side of Glory’s portal, Spike and the other characters will have to confront a world where those myths have been left behind.

part 4: “But I can’t fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason.”: Buffy and Spike as a blended self

#romanticism series #s5 #gen #buffy #spike #this section is deliberately focused on spike's arc #but not to worry #the next one focuses on buffy's side of things and the role of spike's arc in supporting buffy's in the last three seasons #they just needed their own sections to breathe #btvs

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wikiangela · 2 years

Text

just finished Buffy s5, here's some initial thoughts (I hope they're coherent, I cried so much during the finale I have the worst headache now and can't really focus lol)

warning: long post

season 5 was fucking amazing!!! and I am very much not okay!!! I'm a total wreck lol

God it was so good, and I cried so much (I really wasn't emotionally ready after s4 lmao)

this felt like the series finale (and after some googling I found out that it was actually supposed to end there) and it would be actually an awesome last season - the stakes were higher than ever, there were so many changes in the characters' lives, so many emotions (I cried so many times, it's insane)

-though I think the finale and Buffy's death would have an even greater impact if I didn't know there are two more seasons and Buffy's alive hah

first of all, I love that it was centered around sisters, I'm a sucker for family relationships, especially mother-dauther or sisters, so this season just completely broke me

Buffy and Dawn's relationship was just great, the development of it from typical siblings who always bicker to Buffy literally dying for Dawn 😭 I loved seeing Bucky in this big sister/parental figure role, it was so different but it was amazing and there were relatable moments about it - and it was just the best thing, I can't express how much I loved that plot

Buffy herself went through so much development and so many changes, and losing her mom and having to take care of her sister at 20yo (on top of being a slayer) had to be so much and I was so sad for her - I'm 21 and I can't even imagine having to take care of my siblings like that, that was just heartbreaking and I felt so empathetic towards her - I just want to give her a hug 😭 also, her death 💔 I know she'll be back but it was just so fucking sad, the whole last scene and what Buffy was telling Dawn, and Spike breaking down, and the tombstone - it was too much, I was in tears (tho, again, it would probably hit me even harder if I didn't know she'd be back lol)

I am still heartbroken about Joyce - the body was the best episode of the season, if not the whole series so far sns - it was just so fucking good and so different and emotional and heartbreaking like omg (I already made a post about that lol)

Dawn being the Key was also super interesting - even before watching Buffy I knew she was gonna have a sister (I think I saw it somewhere in some posts or gifs idk) and I was curious how they were going to introduce her - and this was great, it kept in suspense for a while but not long enough for me to go looking for spoilers haha and I loved Dawn, she was such a little sister but also she's just adorable and again, I loved her relationship with Buffy so much

now, Glory was such a fun villain, she was so entertaining to watch, and felt like a serious threat (not to mention how hot she was 🥵)

and the whole Ben and Glory thing was so interesting and intriguing and it kept me curious all throughout the season - also, Giles killing Ben 🤯 as soon as he kneeled next to him I knew he was gonna do it but it was still a wow moment tbh

speaking of Glory - after what she did to Tara I got so worried because Tara is adorable and I love her so much and she better be okay

and Willow was so amazing this season like oh my god she's such a strong witch?!! the growth! when she was fighting Glory after what happened to Tara, I just had this moment where I thought back to s1 Willow and omg she's come so far! and when she was willing to take care of Tara even if she stayed like that forever 😭😭 they're the best couple on btvs, they're so cute and great and I just love their love 😭❤️

Spike is back in my fave characters haha (in the first half of s4 he was way too goofy but then he got amazing again hah) this season he was just so amazing! the only thing I didn't like was the Buffy sex robot, that was gross and creepy - but other than that, I was just amazed but his growth, too - I feel like by the end his obsession really started to turn into feelings if he's even capable of those as a vampire lol the way he was trying so hard to protect Dawn - and how Buffy trusted him to take care of Dawn (e.g. "Dawn's safe with Spike" when Tara was at the hospital) like, the way their relationship developed was amazing too

recently I made a post about Anya and my not so pleasant feelings towards her - but by the end of the season she started to kind of grown on me tbh - she was actually helpful and much less annoying than usual - but while Anya is growing on me, Xander quite the opposite sns I don't know what it is, I can't pinpoint it but he annoys me since s4 idk

(my thoughts on Riley are in a separate post and all I'm gonna say here is that the season was amazing but the second half, especially episodes after Riley left, were so fucking fantastic - didn't miss him for a second, he was really redundant there lol)

also, Buffy's hair deserves a special mention, it looked so good this season I couldn't stop staring at it, even with Glory right next to Buffy lmao

I think those are some main thoughts, aby other were in other posts, but my headache is intensifying and I need to lie down before I finish Angel lmao

amazing season, might be my fave so far tbh (tho I loved Angelus in s2, and s3 was just so fun idk) it was just so amazing I still wanna cry but I think I ran out of tears 😭 😂

#Buffy s5 #Buffy season 5 #buffy the vampire slayer #buffyverse #btvs s5 #btvs #watching buffy #very long post #season review #god it was so good

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delicatebluebirdruins · 3 years

Text

Shadow and Bone

This will contain spoilers (duh) some names being forgotten and its going to get long and some context less chaos

I hope i got the image ids right

Episode one (23rd April)

- ahh so the Fold= Dark Island form VoDT but with less summoning of monsters?

ID: Ben Barnes holding onto the wheel of a boat

- Many smol beans

Brief interlude with Nausicaa Valley of the Wind

Episode 1 cont. up to midway episode 7 (24th)

- magical brown trouser time my good sir

- buddies!!

- they’re not going to leave Alina alone to her existential crisis are they?

That tent looks like a circus tent to me and I have no idea why

- hmm hello completely innocent fallen branch

me: turns to sis and asks if we can we take brief intermission for this headbanger (which we did)

Turns out our brief intermission for the song was useless because after pressing play again it started buffering

we were talking about it and Dad misheard it as shaggy bone

Imagine the darkling but in pastels and black lace

- how the flipping heck can you fake bleeding light

- do you want to get lost Alina?

On Ben Barnes beard: 50% hot damn and 50% fight me (the way he tilts his head in this makes us want to hit him in the jugular)

Episode 3

- ooh look at the stag

- i love the bathroom

- damn Nina

- I wish Alina had time to get some magic tips but oh well

- replays Ben Barnes saying Moya Tsarieta twice

- how?! (Look I told you there was going to be bits where the context is tricky to pin point)

- i love the goat

- oh Jesper

- blue and gold is a great colour combination

- about the dinner scene: if this were me it would be the very rare time I stand up for myself

+ I want to add a small thing about the food taster... one is dream job/ i like him/ and imagine a taster eating something and it goes down the wrong way

- yes Jesper hug the goat- and

ID: a man with his thumb up gif from The Hunger Games; with him saying “nice shooting sweetheart” but I couldn’t find a gif of him saying it

- true north? I am never going to be free of bellarke am I?

- oh that hurts

Episode 4

- “our saint has arrived to late” 🤧

- ohh the stag is so pretty

- horses!!!

- time for a heist- i love this goat

- aww wishing fountain bonding

- the darking is growing on me

- i love Mikhail and Dubrov

- I love what we get to see of Nadia and Marie and Kaz and Inej and Jesper and basically everyone

- i love a heist (this isnwhat the hobbit should of been but you know with more dragons

- Mal is baby

- poor Nina

- ah ha a vicious cycle against the Grisha and Fjerdan

- I thought Arkens reaction was a bit odd

- oh Alina sweet heart- flashback time

- the map room is a aesthetic- using Aleksanders own words against him

That shot of the two of them is great

- poor Alina

- yas queen

- oh the stag!

- oh the machine gun; Mal poor buddy and of course flashback time

- i knew she was going to get the scar removed

Episode 5

- poor Mal

- Nadia is me

- Genya is amazing

- hi David and great minds think alike Alina (i had the same expression on my face when they were flirting)

- oh the creepy masks had a purpose

- “you’re not Ivan” you don’t say

- aand height difference... this first kiss is kind of weird to me

- oh Jesper you flirt

- I’m sorry firey people you’re going to be outshined

- Inej is so beautiful

- Dima?!?!

ID: two people from a scene in the Anastasia Musical the song My Petersburg

- what is the librarians dudes problem?

- Genya you badass... poor Marie (does Alina learn about this?? It would probably be forgotten just like her causing the death of her fellow mapmakers)

- I love the costumes

- Tofin (Idk his name) we don’t know you sorry you’re dead

- oh the kissing

ID: a gif showing two people kissing

- and him giving her the flowers is kind of cute but where did they come from?

- *pinched nose* I hate cryptic messages Baghra... holy shit... i mean I kinda knew he was immortal but still holy shit

- oh Kaz... Inej! Collect your bloody knives

- *snorting* The crows being sent to kidnap Alina and Jesper just watching her climb into the getaway carriage will always be hysterical (i personally would be laughing and thats why anything involving stealth is off the cards for me)

Episode 6

- rest in pieces Arken

- Alina broke Inej

- I love Ivan (remember the thing i said about forgetting names/ getting them mixed up? This is it.. I love Feydor a lot more than Ivan but they are both so cute together)

- my heart will go on starts playing?

- i like that horse statue in the background

- i love the beach... look at those waves... the wet look is great

- you done mess up Alina but also cool

- Mal is burly squid

- “burly squid” wheezing nosies

- now hug

- Kaz I love the cane

- “I see you now” aww

- I knew they were going to snuggle... those cute laughs

- the alarm clock though... i knew Inej should have taken the knife... i love Jesper... poor Inej... clever boy Kaz

- does it hurt? Mal? Does it hurt?

I have a habit at picking at things that hurt and well fictional characters aren’t safe from me wanting to poke something painful

- ride OR die bitches

- aand more height differences... getting very close there guys... Matthias please don’t let her fall.... they are kind of cute

- David through a book... 😂 they carriage jacked the Darkling

- David raising his hand is me... but damn it

- Alina is amazing... please remember you’re wearing the ring... Mal is best boy

- “adorable” snorting noises

Episode 7

- horsey!!!

- ahh the return of the VoDT hair (see first gif)

- Luda is familiar...

- yikes

- poor Aleksander being turned into a pincushion is not a great time

- poor Luda

- holy shit

- rock and hard place

- fuck off Baghra

- he wanted to help 😔

- ah so its like the hollow from Charmed

Image ID: gif from the og Charmed with text saying “ohhh she’s a demon!”

- this shot is beautiful... ah so I guess this could have been what happened if Caspian resurrected the White Witch... i guess

- hi stag.... oh okay 😔 poor Stag poor Mal

Flashbacks to Cinderella and Snow White (the one with Krisien Sterwart) natually it follows along with Snow White

- *squishie noises* poor Jesper... we love you Jesper but please stop talking to Inej just in case she sews her finger to the wound

- i love the crows and i love the chat about the crows

Buffers

The next day (25th) episode continued

- David looks so sad

- personally I would downsize the fold just as reminder of it

- that looks like that hurt

- I love Milo and Jesper 💖

- don’t look at it Alina... Genya is right that colour is horrible... tell her off Alina... poor Genya

- I think Jesper had fun playing a guard

- I knew the Darkling read the letters

Sister: why does he look like Tom Ellis right now?

- oh Mal

- blow dart... lol Kaz

- Milo!?! Oh the bullet you clever boy Mal

- i like the tent... he’s not wrong... we want to play with that dangly bit... oh the angst

- I thought you looked older (idk context)

- I love the outfit but couldn’t the necklace be anywhere else?

- “no mourners no funerals”

- I love the music

Episode 8

- I don’t trust that opening

- me too Crows, me to... how could you not know who Milo is

- I love Nina and Matthias so much... they are so pretty... I am not a fan of taxidermy... oh his name is Feydor sorry we kept getting you mixed up

- God damnit Kirigan.. a not so sneaky Mal... the honorary Crow... pick a side already darkling... Sun Queen?... did anybody notice her being tied down?... Good Mal and good Inej

- Jesper is amazing... so much death... bad bitch Zoya... I love Inej kissing the knife and nailing the Darkling with it... head shot... hello buddy??... this music though... badass Alina... fucking Ivan... holy shit and of course music is amazing

+ brave Kaz

- Inej and Alina bonding time... hugs? No hugs ☹️

- he offered her his hand 😞... Inej wants to hug... finally some hugs... Zoya has grown on me... i love Kanej (is that the ship name)

- Matthias oh no buddy... hill house flashbacks

- i love Jesper so much... Nina going “someone say heartrender??”

Image ID: someone turning around and raising eyebrows at camera

- Kaz saying “she’s a saint” made my heart happy

- I doubt the Darkling is dead...... i was right

- well shit/ coolness of making shadow monsters follow you (please let there be a flashback for this)

Bonus

+ imagine of Matthias and Nina decide to sleep rather than get food and were caught cuddling by the Grisha... I thought of this as I was getting into bed that night and i got up ran to my sister told her my thought she found the idea funny then went back to bed

+ people who own trains are evil?? Looks at snowpiercer

Bonus: the soundtrack is on spotify and itunes

Image id: someone bobbing along with headphones on

#shadow and bone netflix #ellie watches #spoilers #long post

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vfdarkness · 4 years

Note

Love AVFD, the season finale was amazing and I can't wait to see what you do in season 2! I'm curious, what are some of your favorite horror podcasts?

Thank you!

I’ll answer - at the same time - I’ll give the caveat that I’m less inspired by other horror podcasts for AVFD and more so by horror and other sorts of fiction (magical realism, weird fiction, surrealism) in other mediums. I might make a follow up post to this one in the future and list out a few books and authors that’ve been especially influential for the show.

For podcasts though -

Welcome to Night Vale was what got me to listen to modern fiction podcasts. It’s not horror per se, but walks a strange line that I appreciate and the single narrator radio host format is inspiring for those of us too poor to put on larger productions. I heard the show while living in Chicago back in 2013. At the time I tried doing a Twilight Zone-esque podcast called The Night NeverEnding (you can’t find it online anywhere anymore) but I was doing everything myself and the writing and narration quality just weren’t there.

I am in Eskew - I really love this show. It plays with so many themes and things that I’m also attracted to. After I’d been writing NoSleep stories for awhile and wanted to do something more, I heard this show, and again thought about making a podcast. So Night Vale and Eskew are probably the two biggest influences on AVFD coming into existence.

The Black Tapes - great production, exceptionally well acted, and some individual episodes and ideas that carry across the series are excellent. I feel this show has gotten enough praise elsewhere though that I don’t need to write further about it.

Nightlight - I only started listening to this one recently, but it’s wonderful. Really well written stories, great narration. In particular, the last two episodes as I write this have been really good - if you’re looking for a jumping off point. Back in their first season they narrated a story by W.E.B. Dubois that’s just amazing. I had no idea Dubois wrote fiction. The story’s called The Comet - about NYC being destroyed and the only two people left are a poor black man and a wealthy white woman. This was decades before The Twilight Zone but it’s that same sort of story - using speculative fiction to smuggle in social commentary.

The Magnus Archives - shortly into our series people told me our show reminded them of TMA. I’d not heard it before. I’ve since listened to the first several episodes, but stopped shortly into the first season - not even ten episodes in if I recall. It’s fantastic, I love it. But as I was writing the first mirror leeches story initially the second part of that story ended in an identical manner to a story TMA did. I didn’t want to be influenced to do - or not to do - stories based on another show so I didn’t want to listen further. I’ve had second thoughts on this though. Especially since I feel the world, direction, and mythology of AVFD is established enough in my head that it can’t be further influenced by other series.

Old Gods of Appalachia - another exceptionally well-written story with phenomenal narration. I didn’t get very far into the first season for the same reason I didn’t listen much to TMA. I’ll probably listen further to this one too soon though.

Nocturnal Transmissions - I have to mention Kristin’s other podcast. He’s the best narrator in the business and he curates incredible stories. When I was contributed stories for NoSleep I got asked a dozen or so times to have my writings used by Youtube narrators and various podcasts. Most of these weren’t bad - but you could tell it was just someone doing it for a hobby. Kristin’s show is as professional as it gets - in terms of production value and his talent as a narrator. He asked to narrate a story I wrote - a quick, silly thing about a guy being upset that his neighbor is just a giant spider in a trenchcoat and no one seems to notice. Several months later, I was thinking of starting an audiodrama of some kind. I really liked the idea of a parapsychologist (Peter Venkman’s job in Ghostbusters) having Frasier Crane’s radio psychiatry job. I pitched him that and so we made AVFD.

Wolverine: The Long Night - Not horror, but I have to mention this. It’s written by Ben Percy who taught me creative writing in college. He had a huge impact on me. At that time, at the university, I was being led astray by the rest of the English dept - told that you couldn’t write speculative fiction stories - horror or weird fiction - and get taken seriously. If you weren’t writing about married couples having passive aggressive arguments where nothing really happens - then you weren’t writing “literature”. Not so in Percy’s class. He had us read Jorge Luis Borges, Angela Carter, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Joyce Carol Oates - authors celebrated across the globe as literary yet they wrote amazing mythic, strange, horrific tales. He had us read an anthology of stories put out by McSweeny’s where literary authors wrote speculative fiction - showing how to use literary techniques to write genre lit. Today, in 2020, that all might read as obvious - of course you can write literary speculative fiction. I’m 37. I was in college in the early 2000s. It was far less obvious then. Anyway, a lot of the best advice I got on writing came from him. A lot of authors who’ve influenced my writing - I was introduced to in his class. And when I went to create AVFD - I felt confident I could write in the audiodrama because I was taught by someone who’d already written a breakout series in the medium.

And finally I should mention The Storage Papers and Weeping Cedars. The first is about Jeremey, who purchases an abandoned storage space that’s filled with files on strange and horrific things happening in San Diego. It’s a really well-produced single narrator show. And Weeping Cedars is more in line with The Black Tapes in terms of medium - a journalist doing an audio documentary. in this case about a small upstate New York town. The show unfolds very slowly - like a long Stephen King novel. I recommend them both.

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sosation · 4 years

Text

On the Passing of Michael Brooks

I only relatively recently became aware of Michael, less than a year ago. In that time he has impacted my life more than any other media personality, more than anyone I’ve never met.

Even though the first time I voted was for Obama in 2008, my political consciousness really began during my 2nd stint of college at UTA circa 2014/15. My history undergrad was waking me up to the power dynamics and hegemonic systems that exist in our society. I was beginning to understand geopolitics under the tutelage of Dr. Joyce Goldberg and getting really wrapped up in 20th century diplomacy. The Snowden leaks had happened and the Michael Brown demonstrations in Ferguson were drawing attention to the militarization of our police forces and their tactics on US citizens. I began to see capitalism as consisting of, and causing and contributing too, countless problems. Then, the 2016 election cycle stoked my already burning interests.

During this time, there was little “left-tube” to be found. Since 2012, streaming on our X Box has been my wife and I’s primary means of entertainment. Slowly more and more of our time was being spent on YouTube. The Young Turks was really the only progressive voice on Youtube, to my knowledge, at that time. (I wasn’t yet aware of Pakman, Kulinski, Seder and Brooks.) And even though they were my primary source of news, I wasn’t crazy about the hyperbolic presentation, Cenk’s ego, or some of the attitudes expressed by various hosts at various times. That being said, I learned a lot. I was exposed to many many great journalists and they certainly helped me solidify and articulate many of the arguments I had been thinking and feeling during this time. I even became a Texas Wolf-Pac Volunteer right after Trump’s election.

I ended my bachelor’s and master’s programs under the Trump presidency. (May ‘17, Dec ‘18 respectively.) During this time I read and wrote more than I ever have in my life. Under Dr. Christopher Morris, Dr. Patryk Babiracki, and Dr. Pawel Goral, I read Marxist historical theory and studied the history of the Cold War from the perspectives of the US, USSR and Europe. I also began watching less and less TYT and more Secular Talk, David Pakman, and David Doel. While these shows are great, there was little to no international perspectives or geopolitical discussions happening. (Doel being Canadian accounts for something but, IMO, anyone who lives in the 5 Eyes is hardly a non-western perspective and therefore significantly less valuable in regards to gaining the insight of the peripheries of the globe. As the hegemonic “leader” of the world, Canadians, New Zealanders, Aussies and Brits, can point and laugh at the US all they want but they are taking our lead-systematically and economically.That’s not to say that their perspective is unimportant, just not the same as those outside the western sphere) Furthermore, there is still even less of a historical perspective being represented in regards to current events anywhere on YouTube. No one seems to have a long dureé, an understanding of how history plays out- again and again, and how capitalism is responsible for much of our recent history. Marx did. Michael did.

I began my teaching career in earnest last summer, 2019, as a Geography teacher. First time I’ve ever had a salary and the first time that I didn’t have to wear a hat (or hairnet) to work. My lunch was 2nd lunch, 12:35-1:15. Here in Texas, The Majority Report was live and it began showing up consistently on my youtube feed so I began watching them while I ate my sandwich and apple, before students from guitar club would show up for a quick lesson before 6th period. I had watched TMR before, particularly live streams on twitch during the first few primary debates this cycle. They reminded me a little too much of an east coast morning talk show for me to take them too seriously at first but I eventually began to see that while Sam is--well-- Sam, the others on the show had quite a lot to say and clear, logical and articulate reasons for their positions...especially this guy Michael. Once I heard that he had his own show it quickly became the most listened to podcast in my feed. (This in itself is no small feet. I’ve been listening to podcasts for hours a day (sometimes 8) since 2012. It, too, no doubt contributed to my education and understanding of our world during this same time period but that is another blog all itself.)

Michael was everything that I was looking for. He was unabashedly a Marxist. He was intelligent and enjoyed rigorous thinking and leftist theory. He was hilarious and did fantastic impressions. He also was compassionate, kind and empathetic. He was a humanist, in the truest sense of the word and he understood, and articulated to me, that Socialism is a humanist movement. After I became a patron, I once asked him on Discord what his credentials were and he said that his Bachelor’s was in International Relations, which explained so much. Again, he was the only media personality that I was aware of that was knowledgeable and curious about the same things I was. He understood history. He valued history and its importance, so much so that he dedicated a separate Sunday show just to “Illicit Histories” where he would invite Historians from all over the world to discuss leftist movements in their own countries and how we could apply those lessons here and vice versa. This was it. This is what was missing from our national discourse--an international perspective and voice, and a historical perspective and voice. Michael was both and he was damn good at it.

The Michael Brooks Show was an inspiration. Michael, Matt Lech and David Griscom were smart, eloquent, young men who articulated the systemic failures of our time, who critically discussed and analyzed our current political discourse and who pondered possible solutions based in history. The guests of TMBS, the network Michael created, really were the shining feature. Ben Burgis, Artesia Balthrop, Molly Webster, Glenn Greenwald, Adolf Reed, President Lula De Silva, Slavoj Žižek , Noam Chomsky, Dr. Cornel West, Dr. Richard Wolff...the list goes on and on and on. These people brought so much insight to the state of our world. Professors, Journalists, people who have spent their lives working on the cause, a cause for a better future, one based in humanity and empathy. Michael was able to bring his own empathy for humanity into his interviews, asking thoughtful direct questions that got to the heart of the issue-- while simultaneously bringing levity to a serious topic by making jokes in the voice of Gandhi, Mandela, Obama, or Bernie, to name a few. He, fucking, got it man. He understood how the world was connected. He understood that we are ALL humans, and that we all deserve to be treated with dignity, and he understood that Marx was right about a ton of shit and he wasn’t scared to remind you of that.

Michael, for me, was an exemplar. He was a role model. I looked up to him. I had no idea he was only 13 months older than me, I thought he was probably in his early 40’s just based on the amount of shit that he knew. My personal 10 year goal was to be on his show. I wanted to either become a writer or go back into academia. I even wrote into a show a couple of months back and asked him which was a better choice. He was honored to be asked such a heavy question but didn’t feel comfortable giving that kind of life advice and I don’t blame him. He recommended that I continue teaching high school if that’s what I enjoy doing, and I do, and I likely will. He has shown me how to speak up for ideals that are right, regardless of what people think. Like, I understood that in the abstract, but watching someone do it multiple times a week really put it in my head that I need to advocate for my position publicly. I tell people that I’m a marxist- which in Texas is unheard of, even among leftists. Mostly due to people not understanding labels and what that even means. So I tell them. Thanks to David’s weekly recommended readings I haven’t stopped reading leftist theory even though I finished grad school over a year and a half ago. If TMBS never existed I never would have had the opportunity to read any of that.

My heart bleeds for Matt and David. I can’t imagine what they’re going though. I want them to continue, to keep the community alive in his name. But I completely understand if that is just too painful.

I was thinking earlier, trying to find an appropriate historical comparison to his passing. There are many but as a North Texan, the one that I ended up landing on was the passing of Dimebag Darrell Abbot. He did a lot. He accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. He inspired many to do things like him. It was entirely unexpected and not one person, not one, has a bad thing to say about the guy. Dimebag was adored. He listened to people, strangers, fans. He was kind and open-hearted and treated everyone with respect. Which made it extra hard when he passed. The same can be said for Michael. For Michael, since Socialism is more than just music, he inspired us to educate ourselves, to ask questions, to remember the periphery-Latin America, Africa, and Asia,-- to remember history and value it, to be compassionate, to educate others and to be active in our own communities.

He will be sorely missed. The one thing I keep telling myself is that his death has the potential to bring even more attention to his message-- to help further catapult this movement into something undeniable. To bring more awareness to how power works and to finally activate us to become, as Michael said at Harvard on Feb 1, 2020: machiavellian.

“...we still have to put work into reminding everybody that (Dr. MLK Jr.) was on the left. He wasn’t a guy who came out once a year and said ‘everybody should treat each other nicely. ...The other thing I loved about this speech was he talked about the fallacy- that certain Christians misunderstand love as a seeding of power. And then Nietzsche came along and rejected christian morality because he thought it was denying someone’s vitality- the will to power in a healthy sense, and he said ‘Love without power is sentimental and anemic. And power without love is abusive and corrosive’ I’m paraphrasing. And that was when I saw, I thought, ‘well here, ok, we know the left-wing Dr. King. Well here is the machiavellian Dr King, and I love it.’ I want the left to have Machiavelli, so we can have the strategy, the ruthlessness, the clarity, to actually win these battles. And be ruthless with institutions. And then I want us to learn how to be really kind to each other, welcoming of a broad set, and actually have a movement that has the capacity to do that.”

Let’s do the best we can to make that happen. Educate yourself about power. Educate yourself about ideologies. Read Marx and Engels. Read Slavoj Žižek and Adolf Reed. Read Michaels book Against the Web: A Cosmopolitan Answer to the New Right. Don’t get caught up in identity politics. Never lose sight of class dynamics. Use this knowledge to educate others and make informed decisions. Register to vote. Run for office. Effectuate real change. Do the intellectual rigor that was happening on TMBS every week, multiple times a week. Thank you for all that you brought to us Michael, you will be sorely missed and I hope to see you at the clearing at the end of the path.

Anthony Sosa

7-21-20

#Michael Brooks #TMBS #History #Geopolitics #International relations #humanity #compassion #humanist #Socialsim #marx #economics

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papermoonloveslucy · 4 years

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LOOK! MEN ARE MESSY!

August 14, 1951

For the final shot of “Men Are Messy” (ILL S1;E8), the “I Love Lucy” props department mocked up a magazine cover using the actual August 14, 1951 edition of Look (volume 15, #17). The episode was filmed on October 25 and aired on December 3, 1951.

Lucy’s hillbilly photo covers up a trio of real Universal Studios starlets: Joyce Holden, Peggy Dow, and Julia Adams. The other cover photos are of Pope Pius XII, author Gayelord Hauser, and the B-47 Jet.

This episode is based on Lucy’s radio show “My Favorite Husband” “George Is Messy” broadcast June 4, 1950. In that script, the magazine that is mentioned in the final moments is Young Homemakers, not Look.

Look was a biweekly magazine published from 1937 to 1971, with an emphasis on photographs rather than articles. A large-sized magazine of (11″ x 14″), it was a direct competitor to Life, which began publication months earlier and ended in 1972, a few months after Look shut down.

Inside this issue of Look:

Full page ad for Happy Go Lovely, an RKO musical comedy with David Niven, Vera-Ellen, and Cesar Romero

Full page ad for Cyrano de Bergerac, with Jose Ferrer.

Gayelord Hauser author of the book Look Younger, Live Longer.

Tarzan actor Lex Barker married Arlene Dahl, and is vacationing in Oklahoma.

Look reporter and photographer Ben Kocivar goes up in a B-47 Bomber.

Two page ad for Walt Disney’s Alice in Wonderland.

The Pope’s secret plans in case of war.

Tennis player Art Larsen.

16 top economists predict what the dollar will buy in December.

America’s ten most televised women.

Movie review of A Streetcar Named Desire.

How Hollywood stars are created: includes Tony Curtis, Piper Laurie, Rock Hudson, and others.

The great American sandwich.

Full page color Camel Cigarettes ad with opera star Rise Stevens.

On the date this issue hit the newsstands, the publishing world changed forever with the death of William Randolph Hearst, one of the most powerful and wealthiest men in America. He was the model for the Orson Welles film Citizen Kane (1941). Hearst, however, did not own Look magazine. Look was founded by Mike Cowles of Des Moines, Iowa, and owned by Cowles Media.

Look is also prominently featured in “Lucy Gets Ricky on the Radio” (ILL S1;E32) with Lucille Ball on the cover...

...and “Ricky Loses His Temper” (ILL S3;E19), with French actress Jeanmarie on the cover.

"Redecorating” (ILL S2;E8) opens with Ricky napping with the August 26, 1952 issue of Look Magazine over his face. Model Jean Zahorsky is on the cover showing off ‘dormitory duds’. It was no coincidence that this particular magazine and issue was used. It contained:

A full page Philip Morris ad with Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz.

An article about CBS building a 25 acre city in Hollywood (Studio City) to house its television operations.

A review of the Bob Hope film Son of Paleface.

It was even used for one of the flashback intro of a re-run during Lucille Ball’s pregnancy leave. Notice that Vivian Vance puts her hand over Ball’s photo, obscuring it from camera. It was common for Lucy and Desi to repay magazines providing coverage of their show with on-air placement.

Although the script changes the real-life musician’s magazine Down Beat to Half Beat, Look Magazine plays itself. From 1952 to 1971 Lucille Ball appeared on the cover of Look nine times!

More about LOOK, LIFE & TIME Magazines and Lucy!

RICKY: “Lucy, this man is not from Half-Beat Magazine.” LUCY: “He ain’t?” PHOTOGRAPHER: “No, I’m from Look Magazine!” LUCY: “Ewwww!”

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npr · 6 years

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Eleven people were killed on Saturday when a gunman entered Pittsburgh's Tree of Life synagogue and opened fire on the congregants. The victims ranged in age from 54 to 97; eight were men, three were women. Two of them were brothers, and two were a married couple.

Chuck Diamond was a rabbi at Tree of Life until about a year ago, and he remains a member of the community, living just around the corner from the synagogue. He knew many of the victims.

"These are wonderful people, good souls, who were just coming to synagogue as the usually did," he told NPR on Sunday. "Synagogue was just getting started and mostly elderly people who come there are there at the beginning, and you could count on them every week for coming. ... It's such a crime that their lives were taken from us."

The names of the victims were released on Sunday morning by the Allegheny County Office of the Medical Examiner. Here are some of their stories, as we learn them.

Rose Mallinger, 97, of Squirrel Hill, was the oldest of the victims.

Diamond told NPR that Rose "was in her 90s, but she was one of the younger ones among us, I have to tell you, in terms of her spirit. Rose was wonderful."

Daniel Stein, 71, lived in the Squirrel Hill neighborhood of Pittsburgh. He is the former president of the New Light Congregation, a Conservative synagogue that held services at Tree of Life.

He was remembered for his kindness.

"He was always willing to help anybody," his nephew Steven Halle told TribLIVE, formerly the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "He was somebody that everybody liked, very dry sense of humor and recently had a grandson who loved him."

Melvin Wax, 88, also of Squirrel Hill, was a remembered as a pillar of the New Light Congregation.

"He was such a kind, kind person," his friend and fellow congregant Myron Snider told The Associated Press. "When my daughters were younger, they would go to him, and he would help them with their federal income tax every year. Never charged them."

"He and I used to, at the end of services, try to tell a joke or two to each other. Most of the time they were clean jokes. Most of the time. I won't say all the time. But most of the time."

Snider said Wax was a bit hard of hearing, and unfailingly attended Friday, Saturday, and Sunday services, filling in at nearly every role if someone didn't show up.

"Just a sweet, sweet guy," he said.

Jerry Rabinowitz, 66, of Edgewood Borough, was a family doctor.

He practiced in a "small, cozy office in Pittsburgh's Bloomfield neighborhood," TribLIVE reporter Ben Schmitt wrote in a personal remembrance. Rabinowitz was his father's doctor, and his own.

Schmitt recalled how his father became ill on a trip to India, and called back to Rabinowitz in Pittsburgh for advice. The doctor called his father every day for the rest of his trip to check in on his health.

"I felt like I was in such competent, caring hands," Schmitt's father said. "Such a kind and gentle man."

Rabinowitz also was the personal physician to former Allegheny County Deputy District Attorney Lawrence Claus, who released a statement on Sunday remembering him.

"Dr. Jerry Rabinowitz ... was truly a trusted confidant and healer who could always be counted upon to provide sage advice whenever he was consulted on medical matters, usually providing that advice with a touch of genuine humor," said Claus, according to CBS affiliate KDKA. "He had a truly uplifting demeanor, and as a practicing physician he was among the very best."

Cecil Rosenthal, 59, and David Rosenthal, 54, were brothers who shared an apartment in the Squirrel Hill neighborhood.

Raye Coffey, a close friend and former neighbor of the Rosenthals' parents, toldTribLIVE that the Rosenthals spent a lot of time in her house when they were younger. She said the brothers faced mental challenges and were fixtures at Tree of Life, where Cecil was a greeter.

"Cecil was always a big brother. He was very warm and very loving. Whenever he would see us, he would always say, 'Hi, Coffeys!' "

"David was quieter," she said. "But both were ... to die like this is horrendous."

ACHIEVA, an organization that works with people with disabilities said that the brothers were well-respected members of its community. Chris Schopf, who runs the group's residential programs, said the brothers never missed a Saturday at Tree of Life.

"If they were here they would tell you that is where they were supposed to be," Schopf said in a statement. "Cecil's laugh was infectious. David was so kind and had such a gentle spirit. Together, they looked out for one another. They were inseparable. Most of all, they were kind, good people with a strong faith and respect for everyone around."

Bernice Simon, 84, and Sylvan Simon, 86, of Wilkinsburg were remembered by neighbors as sweet, kind, and generous.

They were married at the Tree of Life synagogue in December 1956, according to TribLIVE.

"A loving couple and they've been together forever," longtime friend and neighbor Michael Stepaniak told the news site. "I hope they didn't suffer much and I miss them terribly."

Joyce Fienberg, 75, lived in Pittsburgh's Oakland neighborhood, and grew up in Toronto. She had two sons and was remembered as a proud grandmother.

"[She was] the most amazing and giving person," her brother, Bob Libman, told the CBC.

Fienberg was a researcher at the University of Pittsburgh's Learning Research and Development Center for more than 25 years.

In a statement on Sunday, the center called her "a cherished friend" and "an engaging, elegant, and warm person."

Gaea Leinhardt, professor emerita at Pitt, called Fienberg her best friend and told The Washington Post that she had a way of putting teachers at ease when she visited their classrooms.

"She was very intellectual," Leinhardt said. "But also people would just always open up to her in a very easy way. She was an ideal observer."

Her husband, internationally celebrated statistician Stephen Fienberg, died in 2016.

Leinhardt told the Post that Fienberg had been especially involved at Tree of Life since her husband's death. "I just can't say how terribly sad I am that this person isn't in the world anymore."

Richard Gottfried, 65, of Ross Township, shared a dentistry practice with his wife.

The two met as dental students at the University of Pittsburgh, the Post reports, and they volunteered with Catholic Charities' dental clinic. He was said to be an avid runner and had been going to services at Tree of Life more often recently.

Irving Younger, 69, ran a real estate business in Squirrel Hill for many years, and was also a youth football and baseball coach.

Tina Prizner, who lived next door to Younger in the Mt. Washington neighborhood, remembered him as "the most wonderful dad and grandpa" and as a devoted member of his congregation.

"He went every day. He was an usher at his synagogue, and he never missed a day," she told TribLIVE. "He was a beautiful person, a beautiful soul."

'Wonderful People, Good Souls': The Victims Of The Pittsburgh Synagogue Shooting

First photo: Brendan Smialowski/AFP/Getty Images

Second photo: Jerry Rabinowitz in 2013. Photo courtesy of his family.

#NPR #news #Pittsburgh #Tree of Life #synagogue #temple #obituary #remembrance #Jewish community

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 4 years

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Kids Getting Older (Sriracha, Part 30.)

Description: A problematic college student gets the worst summer job of the ‘83 - Jim Hopper, the Chief of police in your hometown will have you as his secretary since his old lady Flo has two months lasting holiday. It was agreed so Hopper could keep you far away from all the trouble.

Part Summary: Since you realized that Eleven is getting older and more distant from both you and Jim, you just seem to finally realize how quickly kids grow... And that maybe the kids are not just kids anymore.

A/N: I love this weird family dynamic so much. It is really relaxing to just write a... Normal family dynamic. But that is going to end with the next part. Stay tuned!

Word count: 1.7 K

Tagging: @nemodoren @creedslove @missdictatorme

Master list: H E R E

Christmas holiday spent like a family? The Christmas of 1984 were the best Christmas you had lived through. You spent Christmas Eve in the house of your parents, cooking the dinner with El and mom, and Aiden's girlfriend - you couldn't believe she is real - while you let the boys talk about stuff and drink some Whiskey. Even Aiden got some - just a little, though.

The other day, when you opened all the presents you found under the tree, you left for Joyce's - and holy moly, that house was living. Both Wheelers were there, both Byers boys came along, there were Dustin, Lucas, and Max, even Steve came by. Joyce had a big heart and her house was big enough to take in so many people.

You forced both Hopper and Eleven to pose on a photo with you, having Jonathan taking the picture of you. Each of you had the most disgusting Christmas sweater, just because Aiden bought and gave you these bad boys - Hopper's was too tight, Eleven's too big and your, no matter the size, was just disgusting. After that, kids took their new toys and went to play outside while the adults, along with Steve, Nancy, and Jonathan, remained in the house and had a cup of the special Christmas hot chocolate from Mrs. Byers herself.

Then, each of the kids got dressed up and went out for a snowball fight, snowman building and some sledding in the forest behind the house. And bet Hopper’s best shirt that you made him go too. Soon enough, you were there with all the teenagers while he stuck some snow under your jacket, hearing you laugh and scream out loud, having Will and Mike in total terror when you jumped around, trying to get the snow out. In the end, you formed a strong alliance with Eleven and Max, giving the boys exactly what they deserved, winning the fight completely. Then, to calm down, you proceeded to make some angels in the snow while Hop went back inside.

As the year progressed, Eleven started to have a few sleepovers here and there - sometimes, she stayed at Karen’s when boys had a movie or game nights, sometimes you had Max over for dinner. And let me say, since she was living with an asshat like Billy, her older brother, she loved spending time at your place. Especially when Hop had to stay at the station.

When talking about Hop, that man was experimenting. And you didn't know if you liked what you had at home or if you're afraid of what’s he going to come up with next. First came the mustache. Okay, he liked Magnum P.I., you could understand. Then, he put on a bit weight - he appeared taller and more like a bear than ever before. You didn't mind that at all actually because at least, you knew that he's happy with you. And... After that... The wardrobe and cologne experiments came by. Sometimes he pulled out such an outfit that you dragged him to the restaurant’s bathroom to kiss the living fuck out of him and to have a quickie on the bathroom.

Yet, sometimes, he wasn’t looking his best. At those mornings, you stood there, watched him with gritted teeth and walked around with your eyebrows raised. You tried to tell him gently that these maybe aren't working for him the way he would like to and that maybe, you could visit Starcourt with him to pick something else. But Jim was Jim and completely ignored your opinion when it came to fashion.

Starcourt. One of the best Bloomington-Hawkins inventions ever. You loved that place - from the big cinema to a variety of shops it had. Sometimes, when you knew that El won't be misbehaving after, you took there with you so she could choose some new clothes, sometimes you bought her an ice-cream, other times you just walked around the place and talked about boys and stuff. Especially about Mike.

Oh, you remembered the day when the three-inch rule came to your house. You were just watching a movie, curled under Hopper’s arms, being caught up in the chase. That was when a sudden burst of Eleven’s laughter could be heard, making Hop alarmed in a second. You tried to calm him down around this couple - it was the first love and it sure as hell was an intense one. You knew that these two were having make-out sessions behind the closed door... But were you two, you and Hop, any different when you met? No. You were kissing the living hell out of each other when any occasion came by, even after you moved back with him again, and since you were both adults, you even fucked every time and on every place, you got the chance to fuck on.

You were just like them - even at that time. But Jim was able to see incredible differences between you and him and Michael, as he called him, and Jane. He wasnt giving them any actual space, so there was no wonder, why Mike thought that Hopper is an old, insane bastard. You and Mike got along since you were normal when put in his words, and let them close the door. You built bridges of trust between you, Mike and Eleven and as long as you trusted them that they won't do anything insane, you let them have their time.

"Okay. That's it. That's it." - Hopper muttered out and got up, walking to the door. You tried to stop him from basically storming into the room, but it was too late. - "This door won't be closed as long as I'm in the house, do you both understand? Three inches at a minimum." - Jim told them with a pretty damn scary face as he showed them how to do it. When he got a nod from both Mike and Eleven, he left them be, still checking the door.

"You're too paranoid, Jim, I'm telling you." - You whispered once he sat down next to you again, cuddling you closer again. - "They're just kids." - You smiled and kissed his cheek, concentrating on the movie again. But Hopper was still very cautious about these two - his eyes were turning into their direction all the time, he was checking what they were doing until the very moment when Mike had to leave.

Over time, when Hopper had enough of constantly opening the door and checking on these two, you let the gang wonder around Hawkins with El, taking hikes in the woods and around the city. Sometimes they went to chill at the old sawmill near the town, but the all-time favorite was the hill about five miles from the city. They hanged there most of the time when spring and weather came.

You also did your best to spend time with Hopper, sometimes taking him for dinner at your favorite Spanish restaurant, sometimes you went for a walk too. But your favorite thing to do was still just hanging out with him at El. Of course, your mom made you visit them at least once a week. She wasnt too good at handling having both her children gone - both of them for college. Even Aiden had a girlfriend and sometimes, you just all went to their household to grill something and to chat. You loved Lena and you couldn't believe that she’s real. Your small bro was manning up rather quickly.

It was so weird since you could say when he and Steve ran naked around the swimming pool and where did he fell from his bike, telling Lena everything in the process, embarrassing the living shit out of Aiden. Naturally, she was first rather surprised about you dating such an older man, but as the time passed by, she got used to that tough guy and his douche jokes.

And Eleven had to say that she had everything she had ever dreamt of in the lab - parents, a family, a boyfriend, and friends. She even wasnt tugged in as a little girl anymore, she was going to bed on her will, with you kissing her whole face with laughter, hugging her tight every time. Her life couldn't be better. She especially loved when you and Jim didn't know she's watching and you put the gramophone on in the night, quietly, usually playing Sam Cooke or Ben E. King to dance in the living room. Jim was always making you laugh, he spun you around, whispered something to your ear, making you biting your lip as you smacked his shoulder - but for Eleven it was of sing that she can count on you.

But then, summer came by. You hadn't got any idea of why it was so weird. Eleven asked you if she can stay at Max’s on the fourth of July and even if you thought you’d celebrate it together, you let her have her time. You didn't have any idea of what was going on when Hopper suddenly disappeared without letting behind any message. Nobody gave you a clue that there are Russians set loose in and under Hawkins and that there is a fucking D&D monster who was possessing people with the help of Max’s brother himself.

On day two of loneliness, that was the fourth of July precisely, you had enough - you left to your moms and stayed there, waiting for anything. A call, a sign, for one of them showing up. But there was nothing. So you left for the shift that day - and that was where everything was set in motion without anyone of you normal people knowing.

#jim hopper #jim hopper imagine #jim hopper x reader #james jim hopper #hopper stranger things #eleven #eleven hopper #eleven stranger things #eleven ives #mike wheeler #the kids gang #joyce byers #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler #steve harrington #oh dear god

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usashirtstoday · 4 years

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Crab Face Mask I Need Vitamin Sea T-Shirt

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wewillwriteyou · 5 years

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could you do 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 from fluff for ben hardy please? like a short timeline of the relationship. sorry if it’s too much

Thank you anon for the request! 💕🥰 I’m extremely sorry it took me so many days to write this, but I wanted it to be good and special because the plot was so cute so I worked very hard on it! I really hope you’re going to enjoy it as much as I loved writing it! 🤸🏽‍♀️💋⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂⁂

Plot’s request: Short timeline of Ben and Y/N’s relationship

Fluff [2], [3], [4], [5] & [6]: First date + First “I love you” + Moving in together + He/she proposes + Wedding day

Warnings: fluff, a lot of FLUFF! This is written following the memories and the feelings of Y/N, so get ready ‘cause Joyce’s stream of consciousness got nothing on me (this basically means that “scenes” change fast, because they follow the trail of memories Y/N is thinking about, so don’t panic if you feel lost and confused at some point, in the end, it’ll all make sense I promise); maybe some language here and there, but this is pure asdfghjkl so safe territory, everybody

Characters: Y/N (fem! reader) & Ben Hardy

Word count: 4.1K it’s long Iknow lmao

Written by: @sweetgcreature

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Your hands were shaking, as you were trying to adjust a rebellious strand of hair that was curling itself behind your ear. A few glitters glued themselves on your fingertips, falling down your perfectly styled head.

You sighed and decided it was a lost battle when you saw the curl flee again. A shaky little laugh trembled on your lips as you studied your reflection in the rounded mirror; your lips were beautifully glossed and you didn’t dare to touch the make-up on your eyes, being too afraid to ruin everything.

When you heard a few voices getting closer to your room, you closed your eyes and inhaled sharply.

The guests in the garden were vividly chatting together, waiting for your big entrance.

The scent of delicious food had never left your nostrils from the moment you had stepped into your parents’ house.

The footsteps on the stairs got noisier. But nothing could overpower the loud pumping of your heart.

You breathed in and out again, feeling yourself sliding into your own world, slowly into the past and getting lost into your memories …

… the door swung open, making you jump and causing your hand to draw a black line all over your right eyelid. You sighed and surrendered, sitting properly on your rug.

“Emma, I hope it’s very urgent. Like, tell me the world is ending right now. Otherwise, start running!” you announced, rotating your body to look at your roommate.

“I’m sorry, Y/N but – she stopped talking and looked behind her shoulders, before stepping inside the room and closing the door – he’s here” she whispered, walking closer to you.

“What?!” you exclaimed, immediately getting up. You rushed through the door and spied the little living room at the end of the hallway; you could see a tuft of blond hair popping up from the sofa. The second his head slightly moved to the side, you disappeared again inside your room.

“No. Don’t scream. Don’t panic - Emma shushed you, stretching her arms towards your body to calm you down – now breath with me. Inhale. And exhale” she was struggling not to burst into laughter and you could sense the hilarity in her voice.

But you followed her improvised yoga’s teacher skills and breathed heavily a couple times before massaging your temples. She then patiently guided you to the wardrobe and, with her help, you soon choose the outfit and adjusted your make-up.

“Now, you go out and get the boy, okay? He’s here for you. He likes you. And, remember – Emma got serious for a moment, pressing her hands on your shoulders – not too much tongue during the first kiss”

“Emma! You nasty!” you screamed and laughed at the same time. After a few more giggles, she hugged you tight and let you go to finally meet Ben.

Seeing him walk in your living room, as he smiley admired some photos, seemed so surreal. You gave your eyes the chance to look at him one minute more, before coughing a little to recall his attention.

“Oh, hi! – his smile could light up the entire room – you’re beautiful” he shyly admitted, getting closer and bending down to give a small kiss on your already blushing cheek.

“Thank you – you lowered your head a bit – should we go?” you proposed, stuttering a little bit.

“Sure – he agreed and immediately got closer to take your jacket inside his hands – here, let me help you with this” he caringly said, sliding the coat on your shoulders.

“Wow, what a gentleman” you joked, perching yourself on his arm as you walked towards the door.

“I want to impress you. That’s the only goal I’ve set for tonight” Ben admitted, as you stepped outside the apartment. You chuckled and laid your head on his shoulder while you started walking down the stairs.

“Then consider me impressed”

The cold winter’s wind hugged your two figures as you exited the building. Ben wrapped you in his arms, trying to protect you from the cutting breeze that was not-so-gently caressing your already red face. Luckily he had parked just a few steps down the street and soon you were warming yourself inside his red car.

As he started the engine, a familiar melody filled the air and you snapped your head in his direction noticing he was already smiling.

“You remembered!” you said with a childish tone. Ben smiled even wider and, keeping the eyes on the road, he replied:

“Sure! How could I forget? You’re always talking about Queen” his fingers reached for the radio to turn the volume up. You started to nod your head and, soon, you were already singing along to Somebody to Love, making Ben chuckle and hum the song in chorus with you.

The car-ride didn’t last long and in a little while you were able to spy the edifice where you knew the cinema was located. Your heart started to beat faster again and when Ben parked the car and the silence fell between you two for a second, you were ready to bet that he was able to hear your heartbeat as well.

You stared into each other’s eyes for what he seemed, both, an eternity and an instant, then Ben smiled one last time before stepping out and walking towards your car’s door to open it for you.

Needless to say, that he didn’t even let you start searching for your wallet inside your bag, as he had already extracted a few banknotes from the pocket of his trousers. And needless to say, that he didn’t give in to any of your attempts as you tried to persuade him and let you pay at least for the pop-corn.

“Just know that the feminist inside of me is pretty angry at the moment” you commented, with a small smirk on your face as Ben kept the door open for you to enter the theatre. He raised an eyebrow in confusion, but you could see his lips were already curving into a smile.

“Why?” he then asked, as you both sat down in the last row adjusting the pop-corn on your respective laps. You shrugged your shoulders and started to eat.

“Because I don’t need a man that pays everything for me. I can perfectly handle my expenses on my own” you were obviously exaggerating, adding a sassy tone to complete the whole discourse. But you were curious to see his reaction.

“Good to know – Ben nonchalantly replied, throwing a bunch of pop-corns inside his mouth; he spied your surprised face with the corner of his eye, before turning his head to face you – this is just the confirmation I needed to hear”

“What confirmation?” you asked, mirroring the same smug expression that was painted all over his face.

“Well, if you’re an independent woman that clearly doesn’t need a man to entertain herself, you accepted my invitation just because you like me. Or, to be extremely precise, you have an enormous crush on this incredibly attractive boy that is now talking to you” Ben was clearly flirting. He had crashed any kind of barrier you had built until that moment and inside your brain a thousand of alarms were ringing, causing you to short-circuit.

In easier words: you were speechless and blushing, as you couldn’t unglue your eyes from his.

The lights went off, partially hiding your embarrassed expression. A little laugh from Ben trembled in the dark, as you abandoned yourself against the back of your seat, hoping you could disappear then and there.

You were sure your feelings for Ben were obvious, but you didn’t know they were that obvious.

Suddenly, while you were sinking inside the spiral of your thoughts completely forgetting about the movie, you felt a gentle hand place itself on your leg. You snapped your head in Ben’s direction and, for a moment, you thought you had seen him flinch a little bit as if he was unsure of his movements.

You reached his knuckles with your trembling fingertips and laid your palm on the back of his hand. He didn’t hesitate and intertwined his fingers with yours.

A sigh of relief left both of your mouths as you settled into that new kind of grey area, where you weren’t black nor white, where you hadn’t decided yet what kind of relationship was yours. You were just two human beings enjoying the moment.

The movie was pretty boring and, in more than one scene, you couldn’t help but burst out laughing at Ben’s sarcastic jokes about the two protagonists.

“Oh c’mon, who speaks like that to his girlfriend!” Ben commented again, once you were stepping outside. Your hands still casually intertwined.

“I don’t know, maybe someone who is deeply in love?” you asked, batting your eyes to sound as cheesiest as possible. He giggled and pulled you closer to his side, putting his arm behind your shoulders.

Once you got in the car the electricity that had fallen between you two was more than obvious; and, as Ben drove through the night, you noticed how both of your faces were lightened up by a ridiculously gracious smile.

When you recognized your neighborhood you weren’t able to hold a disappointing puff. You weren’t ready to let him go; you would have loved to stay in his car forever. Or at least, all night.

Ben noticed your serious face but didn’t say anything. He simply parked the car near the sidewalk and turned the engine off, letting the silence wrap you two once again.

“Y/N?” he then said, making you turn around to look at him. You hummed in response, giving him all your attention.

“I know we met just a few weeks ago and I know that this is only our first date, but – and he stopped to look right back at you – but I like you. A lot”

You let out a shaky breath of relief.

“Ben, I like you too!” you said in a rush, feeling yourself freer by the minute. A big, warm smile appeared on his blushing face and you couldn’t help but giggle.Every trace of hilarity soon dissolved, when his thumb met your lips parting them.

Ben inched towards you and you did the same, giving him the chance to delicately caress your cheek.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked in a whisper as his fingers were drawing patterns on your face. You repeatedly nodded, not able to say a word in that precise moment. Ben smiled one last time, before closing his eyes and sweetly locking his lips with yours.

You both inhaled sharply and let your emotions run free, as you savored every inch of his mouth so perfectly pressed against your hungry lips …

… your fingers caressed the back of his head, causing him to lazy groan between the kisses. You proudly smiled and pushed him down on the mattress, straddling his lap. His hands fell on your booty, playfully squeezing it.

“So eager. And it’s only seven in the morning” you flirted, breaking the kiss and sitting on his lap. Ben laughed along and caressed your naked hips; you traced his abdomen with your fingertips, tickling him then and there.

“You leave me no choice. Look at you – he worshipped you, trying to sit properly on the bed to have his face on the same level as yours – we’ve been dating only for three months and I’m already crazy about you” he added, leaving a chaste kiss on your lips.

You blushed and cupped his face to gently transport him into another passionate kiss. Ben smiled and kissed you back, encircling your body with his arms to have you glued against his chest.

“Mmm … I love you” you accidentally mumbled against his mouth, but the realization of the words you had just pronounced struck both of you at the same time causing your kiss to suddenly end.

You instantly flushed until the tip of your ears, as Ben was staring at you with his lips agape. You had never dared to say those three words because you had grown up with the idea that having a crush and loving someone are two completely different things. And Ben knew this.

“What? – a smile had started to creep on his lips, as he reached your face to caress it – are you serious?” he asked, getting thoughtful for a moment.

“Yes – you immediately replied; there was no point in lying, the truth had been exposed – I love you Benjamin Jones” you chuckled, very aware of how much he hated his “real” name.

“God, I love you too Y/N Y/L/N! I fucking love you!” he didn’t hesitate and kissed you again. He soon made you roll on your back to tower your half-naked body with his, as the kiss got more passionate by the minute.

“I can’t believe you actually said it” Ben commented, starting to kiss your neck and causing you to moan softly. Your hands were caressing his muscled back, as you let him pleasantly torture you in your favourite way possible.

“Me neither” you giggled when his hair tickled your hip. Ben smiled and kissed the inside of your thigh, hungrily looking up at you.

“I love you” he then whispered, positioning a chaste kiss on your lower belly. You warmly smiled down at him, letting his face rest on your right palm. But, as soon as you opened your mouth to reply, the phone started ringing in the living room.

Ben rolled his eyes and groaned, hiding his face on your stomach. You burst out laughing and tugged at his messy hair.

“C’mon, be a good landlord and go answer the call” you said between the giggles, obliging him to get up. He looked like an annoyed child and, once he was standing near the bed, you smirked and mischievously laid down on the mattress again.

“I’ll be here, waiting for you to come back” you flirted, patting the empty side next to you. Ben swallowed and rushed towards you, to bend down and leave a fleeting kiss on your lips.

“Damn you” he commented, running outside the bedroom. You chuckled, scrolling your head, before abandoning yourself on the bed staring at the ceiling …

… rapid steps reached the ringing phone and a quick hand grabbed it before it was too late.

“Hello? … yes, it’s me … yes! Finally, I’d add – you chuckle, resting your shoulder against the wall and taking away a couple of beads of sweet that were slipping down your forehead – there’s still a lot of work to do. Like, in every corner there is at least one box full of stuff that needs to be reordered and we’ … what? Tonight? I don’t know Emma – you said, extending your neck to spy your boyfriend who was struggling with the paint roller – the house is a literal disaster! Maybe tomorrow? … okay, perfect. Now I have to go or Ben will end up covered in blue paint very soon”

After the usual salutations, you ended the call and ran down the hallway just in time to save the paint’s container that was about to fall on the ground.

“Thank you! – Ben sighed relieved and puckered his lips, waiting for a kiss that did not hesitate to come – who was at the phone?” he then asked, taking the big brush in his hands again and adjusting the stairs near the wall to paint the uppercorner.

“Emma. She wanted to come and visit us tonight – he snapped immediately his head in your direction, making you giggle – I obviously said no, don’t worry” you added, taking a brush as well to retouch some parts then and there.

You worked non-stop for other two hours, but the proudness to see the perfect result you obtained with the freshly painted room had no price. You both stood side by side, with your arms crossed on your chests, admiring the perfectly renewed wall in front of you.

Ben rotated his head to look at you and you noticed, so you turned around to meet his gaze. He wrinkled his nose and you raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“You have something on your face” he inclined his neck, squinting his eyes to study your features.

“Where?” you asked, starting to palpate every inch of your cheeks searching for a trace of paint somewhere under your eyes and near your nose. It was at that moment that you saw his smirk and, before you could stop him, he had placed his dirty palms on both sides of your face.

“Here” he laughed looking at your furrowed expression covered in blue and white. As he was almost rolling on the floor you noticed an abandoned brush in the corner. You quickly caught it and drew a perfect blue line in the middle of Ben’s face.

His mouth opened in disbelief, while it was finally your turn to burst into sonorous laughter. Soon Ben’s hands wrapped your waist and you found yourself screaming in amusement, as he carried you on his shoulder until he reached the living room (the only furnished room of the house) where he let you fall on the sofa hovering you.

“You little minx” he laughed, kissing you. You giggled, putting two of your fingers inside the collar of his t-shirt to pull him closer. After a few kisses and chuckles, Ben rested his forehead against yours, closing his eyes.

You breathed heavily, caressing his face.

“We did it” he said in a whisper, touching your nose with his. You could feel tears of joy pinching your eyes. You kissed him again, this time slower to savor every second of that perfect moment.

“Yes. It’s impossible for you to get rid of me now that we live together” you joked, as you both found yourselves crying and laughing simultaneously.

“Poor me” Ben commented, before starting to pepper all your face with sloppy kisses. You started giggling again, hugging his shoulders to have him as close as possible.

He kept tickling every inch of your cheeks with his parted lips, slowly moving on your neck, then your shoulder, down your arm …

… he kissed the back of your hand again, for the hundredth time that night.

“Ben. We’re in public” you protested between the chuckles, adjusting his bowtie. Again.

Ben rolled his eyes and intertwined his fingers with yours, as you were both stuck in what seemed an endless queue to reach the elevator. Millions of little lights were shining above your head and you still couldn’t believe you weren’tactually daydreaming.

Visiting Paris had always been one of your burning desires. And being there with Ben, hand in hand waiting to go on the top of the Eiffel Tower to eat in one of the fanciest places on earth was even better than what you had always hoped for.

Eventually, your turn came and as soon as you reached the top you literally felt your breath stop in your throat. It was the most beautiful view you had ever seen in your entire life. You completely ignored the waiter that wanted to show youyour way to your reserved table, and almost floated to the nearest balcony.

As you stepped outside, a gentle breeze passed through your hair and your eyes got lost in the city’s skyline. Ben walked closer to you and, once he was exactly behind your back, he laid his chin in the crook of your neck encircling your waist with his arms.

“So? What do you think?” he asked, grazing his lips close to your ear. You scrolled your head, still overwhelmed by the beauty of Paris.

“This is … this is insane – you commented, wiping away a couple of tears that were starting to fog your sight; you heard Ben giggle and after he had kissed your cheek, he distanced himself as you found yourself randomly rumble andinvoluntary express your thoughts – you know, a part of me was sure you wouldhave proposed or something here in Paris, as it happens in thousands ofrom-coms. But then I thought it was too cheesy, even for someone like … you” that last word dying on your lips, as you turned around and saw Ben kneeled down in front of you.

A big, shy smile had appeared on his face, while the chatting from inside the restaurant got quieter. Everything got blurred, the time froze in the moment your eyes met his.

“Maybe it’s cheesy. And it’s also very predictable, I’m aware of that. But you know, I thought that, since everything started at the cinema, while we were watching a terrible romantic movie, it would have been funny ending up in the same exact situation” a nervous laugh escaped both your mouths, as you were quick to dry your crying eyes.

“So, here I am. Behaving as the protagonist of the cheapest film ever just to ask you if you, Y/N Y/L/N, would like to marry me?” Ben said, extracting a little velvet box from his trousers and opening it to reveal a shining ring. You covered your mouth in disbelief, nodding imperceptibly.

“Yes, Ben! Yes!” you finally replied, when you saw even the slightest shadow of preoccupation trespass his face. In a moment you were in his arms, while everyone around you was clapping and cheering you two.

The confused claps got heavier and heavier …

… they transformed themselves into knocks. The door creaked and you came back to reality.

Your mom made her entrance into the room, positioning herself behind you and looking at your reflection. She tried adjusting the curl inside your styled hair, as you had done previously, but without success. You both started to laugh, as she pressed her hands on your shoulders.

“Are you ready?” she rhetorically asked. You looked at her in the eyes using the mirror as a shield to hide all your mixed emotions. You didn’t answer and got up instead, walking towards the window.

You moved the curtains and saw all the people gathered in the garden waiting just for you. Ben was already there, trembling as a leaf and nervous as he had ever been in all his life.

“Sure” you whispered, with your heart full of love. Your mom was visibly moved as she accompanied you down the stairs and near the big, doubled-glassed window that led into the garden. Your father was already waiting for you with tears in his eyes. You kissed both of them and waited for your mother to get to her seat and for the wedding march to start playing.

When the first note trembled in the air, you squeezed your father’s arm, who held you back as you both stepped outside. Everyone got up, looking at you. You could recognize a few faces: your mom, some of your relatives and friends, Emma and her boyfriend.

But you had eyes only for Ben, who was trying so hard not to start crying at the sight of you all dressed and emotional while you were walking to reach him.

Every trace of fear had disappeared the moment you recognized in Ben’s eyes the same young boy that was absentmindedly watching your photos, wandering in the living room of your old flat.

The same boy that had kissed you in the car after your first date.

The same boy that had remained speechless hearing you admitting your love to him, a random Sunday morning as you were both lazily kissing in his bed.

The same man that had painted with you the wall of your first house.

The same man that had flown you to Paris just to propose to you.

That same man you had loved for so many years.

He was there. Wiping away a few tears after he had removed the wedding veil from your face.

He was the one. And in that precise moment, as you were staring eyes in eyes holding your hands, everything seemed perfectly right. Everything seemed simply perfect.

Ben got closer and kissed your cheek before you both diverted your attention to the priest. He leaned down again to whisper in your ear:

“You’re gorgeous”

You blushed as if it was the very first time.

“What a gentleman” you commented under your voice, looking up at him with just the corner of your eye.

“You know; I want to impress you. That’s the only goal I’ve set for the rest of my life” he responded.

You shared a knowing gaze. Nobody could hear you, but it didn’t matter because nobody would have understood that exchange of words. You smiled, as tears reached your eyes, and answered:

“Then consider me impressed”

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