#love him for taking the steps a lot of people of his time would have been afraid to

[fushiguho]

Curiosity & the Poor, Unfortunate Cat ⭑.ᐟ

ᯓ★ Synopsis Toji Fushiguho — an absent father, a college dropout, and a panhandling loiterer who just so happens to be your father’s best friend. Obviously you have to fuck him... out of pity, of course.

Wordcount 4k

Warnings fem!reader, age gap, toji is kind of disrespectful but so are you, so much teasing it’s insane, toji has a filthy mouth (duh), rough sex, unprotected, spanking, abrupt ending, brat taming??

Author's Notes this was inspired by an anon request for toji as your father’s best friend which was so freaking fun to write (everyone say thank yew anonnnn) and this was supposed to be a drabble but i know no limits... i was also channeling a lot of my own desires here #needthat p.s. this blog is under construction, i’m in the midst of transferring my work from my previous account which was marked as explicit boooo :/

Your sheets ruffle as you discontentedly toss in bed, the silken fabric bunching haphazardly while you writhe, empty stomach caving in a ravenous hunger. Internally, you curse yourself, wishing you had eaten the dinner your father prepared earlier, but now, it’s definitely too late. You’re sure Toji has already scarfed whatever was left of it down into that perpetually endless gut of his. You’ve never stood a chance. Alas, you must eat, so with a groan of annoyance, you roll out of bed, padding to the kitchen on the hunt for satiation.

It’s the dead of night. The sacred time of day when nothing is expected of you. When everyone you have ever known is fast asleep and you’re all that remains. Darkness consumes the lifeless house as you shuffle across the carpeted floor. A night light that’s tucked at the end of the long hall flickers like a dwindling torch in the depths of a dark, endless forest. As you creep down the steep staircase, you sigh, taking notice of overhead microwave light already casting a soft, amber glow — there is someone else that too remains.

Toji.

“You can’t keep eating all of our food.” You huff, abruptly announcing your presence as you near the final step, observing the burly, sable haired man that raids your barren fridge. “I don’t even know why my father puts up with you.”

He smells your sweet, gourmand perfume before he even registers your voice. It’s utterly embarrassing how painfully his cock aches from a mere whiff of you, the sound of you. Unabashed, Toji shrugs, stuffing three, large strawberries into his greedy mouth, eyes narrowing on your pretty frame. “Your father loves me, sweetheart… couldn’t have raised your bratty ass without me.” His ravenous gaze lingers far too long, sharp eyes shamelessly flitting across your soft, exposed skin, sizing you up. “And hello to you too. What’s wrong with you young people? Does no one respect their elders anymore?”

“Oh, brother, here we go.” You grumble, bracing yourself for yet another fruitless lecture, arms crossing over your chest as you sit into your right hip. His keen eyes follow your subtle shift in stance. “And your son? Where is he?”

He scoffs. “With his mother, thank you.” Toji rolls his eyes, reaching for another strawberry. “You sure you don’t have homework to do or something? Always pesterin’ me. I’m old, damnit!”

“I graduated three years ago, thank you… though you can’t say the same,” you snide, rudely pushing past him to peer into the refrigerator, “and you're like forty-five… you should've gotten your shit together yesterday.” You add, growing progressively annoyed with his lingering presence. “Did you drink all of the milk again?”

“Heh, oh yeah. Whoops,” he goads, popping the p, “and I’m not that old, you brat.” He mumbles, esteem crumbling at your assumption.

He’s grown accustomed to your biting criticism, though in the beginning, he would almost always quarrel back, which inevitably led to the two of you in a needlessly heated and borderline flirtatious feud. Now, he’s learned to actively ignore your insults but god, he would only be lying if he said your petty, condescending remarks didn’t rewire the chemistry of his brain.

Alas, all he offers is another irritatingly indifferent shrug, a sly smile tugging at the corners of his scarred lips — his own twisted version of remittance. Toji doesn’t give a fuck, not one. He knows your father will replace it by the end of the week like he always does, so why should he?

It has been nearly a decade since your father has all too graciously granted Toji loitering rights to your childhood home. Never has he paid for groceries, for bills, for anything. He is penniless, indolent, and baselessly forthright, but god, is he the finest man you have ever known.

After both your father and Toji’s untimely and coincidentally synchronized divorces, the two have been inseparable ever since, wallowing in their shared pity together. During his unnecessarily messy divorce, Toji lost the house and your father was gracious enough to offer him a place to stay until he secures a stable job.

That was nine years ago.

Weirdly enough, Toji has known you the entirety of your existence, but not you his. From as early as you can remember, he was always just… there, but as time passed and you grew older, things changed; the way you thought about him changed. Before, you thought of him as just one of your father’s degenerate friends from undergrad who fell through the cracks. Today, that notion still holds, but now you want to fuck him, bad.

For years, you’ve imagined what Toji is like behind closed doors, what he would feel like, what he would fuck like. If he’s the type of man that plays with his food before eating it, if he even likes to eat his prey anyway. Maybe he’s the type of predator that prefers stringing his meals along, toying with and teasing them like some cruel, one-sided game and he’s got the unfair advantage. Either way, you don’t think you’d mind.

Countless nights you’ve found yourself sprawled apart with his name on the tip of your tongue. Bare, perspiring body bowing as you brainlessly fuck yourself against one of his sweatshirts that you snagged from the laundry he doesn’t do. There is no doubt that Toji has heard the desperate cries of his name that pour from beneath your paper thin door, your pretty whimpers so incredibly loud and slutty and all for him.

If he wanted, you’d let him have in the worst possible way. You would let him pry you apart and gut you out completely, leaving you nothing but a shell of your former self — drooling, stuffed, and defiled. The utter heinous things you’d commit for a mere taste of his skin is a direct contradiction of who you are and everything your father believes he’s raised you to be. You’re no angel.

Defeated, you close the refrigerator, a deep, irritated sigh dragging from your lips. This man is useless, you think. If not for his maddeningly beautiful face, you’d sock him in it, sending him tumbling to the floor so that you can finally mount him and —

“Do you wanna fuck? Is that it?”

A long, deafening beat passes. You swallow thickly. “… what?”

“You heard me. I asked if you want to fuck.” He reiterates, voice eerily calm as if he couldn’t care less about the proposition at hand. “You’re always so pissed with me, thinkin’ that’s maybe what you need... a good fuck, heh.”

His blatantly unprovoked inquiry is jostling you back into reality, because what? What the hell is wrong with him? Why did the question roll off of his tongue so quickly? So smoothly? As if it’s no big deal, as if this is just another one of his usual, overly prying questions. Is he serious?

“Toji, wha—”

“You don’t think I’m stupid, do you?” His head is falling to the right, a sleazy grin marring his slick lips. “You don’t think I see the way you look at me, sweetheart? Not a very discreet girl, I’ll tell you that…” a dark, gut wrenching chuckle rumbles from the depths of his chest, “maybe a noisy one though, hm?” He hums, quirking an omniscient brow.

Guiltily, your gaze is falling to the tiled floor, thighs pressing together as you mumble. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” Sure.

He laughs again. “You’re not a good liar either,” he’s creeping closer, the warmth of his breath like kindle to a rampant flame, “but you’re a pretty little thing… you know that already though, huh?” A curious hand is creeping around your waist, slyly reeling you in, the redolence of his cheap, inebriating cologne permeating the sinisterly thick air.

You expel an audible breath, taking a cautious step backward, yet he follows, taking a larger step forward, a step closer. Your skin burns, cheeks warming with crimson. He’s too fucking close and he knows it. What if someone sees? You don’t think you can bear the consequences that’d unfold if your father were to ever find the two of you like this. He would kill Toji, then you, and finally himself for good measure.

But god, do you want to find out. When it comes to human nature, curiosity always seems to prevail and fuck, are you one curious cat. There is something innately deep and pressing within your soul that craves satiation. It yearns to be known, to be explored. A deep, perpetually endless hole that aches — it longs to be filled, to be stuffed. None of your peers can do that for you, you’re convinced.

Your dark, repressed desires are only concerning your stance on feminism, but you don’t care, that’s the very thing. You want to find out. You need that, undoubtedly. Is what they say about older men true? The thought lingers as you contemplate the looming proposition. Yes, he’s your father’s closest friend. Yes, he’s far older than you with a child of his own. And yes, your perpetual obsession is only growing increasingly worrisome by the ticking clock, but truly, who can blame you? Look at him.

“C’monnn, you won’t even look at me, doll?” He frowns, a big hand cupping your chin, pulling your gaze upward. “Thought your father and I taught you better than that, no?”

Another loud, incredulous breath escapes your parted lips. “I’m sorry.” You whisper, cunt drooling.

Just the sweet, innocent quaver of your voice alone makes his cock twitch. His plaid pajama bottoms growing near uncomfortable as the fat, mushroom head leaks against the dampening fabric. What’s left of his dwindling resolve is slipping from his fingertips when you’re finally peering up at him, the coy bat of your lashes so perfectly slutty. Pretty, pleading eyes all wide and glossed over with your evident lust. God, he knows you need it.

Toji groans, conflicted for half a beat before growling a strangled and defeated, ‘fuck it’ then, his lips are slotting against yours in a delirious, haphazard kiss. Large hands blindly creep around your waist, dragging you impossibly closer. “This… this is your fucking fault.” He grouses, warm tongue delving so shamelessly inside of your honeyed mouth, greedily licking his way to the source.

“Fuck me then,” you’re pulling away just barely and he can’t help but to follow, subconsciously chasing your fleeting lips, “make me sorry.” It’s quiet, breathless, your pretty lips ghosting his.

And maybe you shouldn’t have said that, but it’s still not too late to end this — to push him away and say no, this isn’t right. It’s not too late to head to bed and forget any of this ever happened, but the way he’s twirling you around to push you over the marble countertop might be a step too far and damn sure too late.

“Sweetheart, you’ll be so fucking sorry,” a singular hand is peeling your lounge shorts down, down, down your plush thighs until there’s nothing but a pool of silky fabric surrounding your ankles, baring your syrupy folds, “spread those fuckin’ legs for me like a good, obedient girl. Let me see how wet that sloppy pussy is.”

With your face snug against the marble, all you can manage is a weak, fruitless gasp of his name, the warmth of your frantic breaths condensing the frigid countertop. You’re craning your head to the side, rising to the palms of your hands to observe the burly man that looms behind you. Fuck, he’s going to kill you.

He simpers, trailing several, curious fingers from your swollen clit allll the way down to your visibly tightening hole which drools endlessly. Pearlescent gossamers of arousal cling to the pads of his fat digits, kissing his skin in a beautiful sheen of your bountiful essence. The warm, abrupt stretch of his careless fingers as they sink deeeeep inside of your slobbering hole is peerless, prying your jaw open in a pretty, guttural moan — so raw and primal and all for him.

“Thaaat’s it, let me hear you, girl… sound even prettier up close,” he’s leaning down to better observe your desperate wails of rapture, pressing his clothed cock against the rear of your bare ass in the process, “got me fucking my hand like an idiot to the sound of you. How rude is that?” His breath hot and laden with lust against the crook of your neck.

Another wanton moan is belting from your gaped mouth at his confession. You can hardly help the pathetic buck of your hips, weakly fucking yourself against the stocky hand that cups your pretty pussy. The gnawing stretch of his fingers set your skin ablaze and yet, it’s not enough. You need more.

“Just f-fuck me… please? Before he gets home.” God, you are so fucking cute, bottom lip quivering in… fear? Anticipation?

Toji frowns feigndly. “Oh, don’t tell me you’re scared now, sweet girl?” A warm, calloused palm is splaying across the thick of your hip, pulling you closer to the edge of the marble. “Sure doesn’t feel like it…” he taunts, dragging his fingers out of you to smear your prolific arousal between your swollen lips and the slit of your ass, soon bringing them up to your stupidly gaped mouth, “doesn’t it taste like it either, huh?” He prompts you to taste yourself, his long, drooling digits hanging before your subconsciously parting lips.

And god, you could fucking cum right there, cunt throbbing embarrassingly around nothing but the fleeting memory of his fingers. You hardly have the time to loll out your tongue before he’s rudely stuffing his fingers into your warm, obedient mouth. A synchronous, drawn out moan echoing from both of your slacked jaws, yours muffled by his fat digits and his so careless and plainly conquered by his ineffable lust.

You hum contentedly around his thick fingers, cleaning your own arousal from them like the good whore he always knew you’d be. Drool spills from the corners of your lips and down his burly knuckles, coating his hand in an obscene mess of your sweet saliva. His fingers are deliberately creeping farther down your slutty little throat, forcing a proper gag from the pit of your core, more of your saliva consequently cascading down his palm.

Like the nasty slut he is, he’s pulling them out of your mouth, only to plop them inside of his own, sucking and drooling down those very digits, his cruel gaze holding yours. A guttural groan belts from the depths of his chest, sable eyes fluttering shut as he hums in satisfaction. Your mouth falls wide, jaw slacked as pretty little pants of incredulity pour from it, poor cunt aching in your ever growing arousal. What. The. Fuck.

“What? Nothing else to fuckin’ say, huh?” Those same fingers are running along your cunt once more, messily smearing the sinful amalgamation of married saliva. They’re sweeping across your swollen clit before slowly sinking back inside of you, preparing you. “Always talkin’ so much shit to me. Gonna shut you up real soon, sweetheart… swear to god.”

A stupid gasp parts your lips, stomach caving in arousal at the sound of him hastily slipping out of his plaid bottoms. A greedy hand is latching to the back of your right knee, pulling your leg up to pin it against the cool marble. The sight of your pretty pussy in all of her sloppy glory makes his cock twitch, the head dripping in sinful rivulets of pearlescent arousal.

You can barely stand the way he takes his cock into his fist, idly pumping his pretty erection, a slutty grin spreading across his scarred lips. From his girthy base allll the way to the fat, leaking head, he strokes himself, but not before swiping the pad of his thumb across the drooling opening, spreading his arousal down the expanse of his monstrous length. You fucked up. Royally.

“God,” you mumble, turning back around to stuff your face into the crook of your arm in utter horror, “god, I am s…so sorry.”

And he fucking laughs. Laughs at your apology; it’s loud and obnoxious and so clearly intended to piss you off because you’re not sorry, you’re scared and he knows it. He can see the way your body trembles atop the counter, drooling cunt shamelessly exposed with your leg hiked up so rudely. The way your big, pleading eyes widen in fear as he creeps closer. Even your futile attempt to scoot away when he begins to drag the head of his cock between both of your slutty holes, almost as if he can’t decide which to ruin first.

“Nuh uh… c’mere,” he nearly growls, impertinently pulling you back before him by the flimsy fabric of your night shirt, a disapproving grunt ensuing, “tryna run away from me, huh?” Two, large hands are groping the fat of your ass, brazenly spreading you apart. “Oughta’ teach you some fuckin’ manners… such a mean little thing. Hell’s wrong with you?”

The head of his cock rests so heavily against your sloppy hole, hot precum oozing against the mess of slick that adorns your pretty pussy. Toji slaps the dense head against your lips once. A droning, helpless mewl pours from your gaped mouth, only for him to do it again, and again, and again. A lewd and deafening plap! plap! plap! reverberates throughout the dimly lit kitchen, sticky gossamers of married arousal tethering you as one.

“Knew you’d have a pretty cunt,” he admits, briefly dipping the head of his cock inside of you, dragging a wanton whimper from your lips, “such a shame y’er so mean to me… would’ve had you like this years ago if not for that nasty little mouth of yours.” He’s sinking inside of you yet again, but only to pull out when he’s gone too deep.

If your father were to walk into this kitchen at this very moment, he’d be utterly appalled. Horrified. You’re writhing beneath him, hips bucking so sluttily against his teasing cock. God, you have never craved something so horribly in your life; you could just die from the sheer deprivation and it’s hilarious to him. He’s taunting you like it’s some cruel fucking game and he’s got the upper hand.

Again, he laughs. “Oh, you want it bad, huh?”

“Yes, fuck.” You growl, evidently frustrated.

“Awwww you mad, sweetheart?” He irritatingly coos, leaning down to press a wet, openmouthed kiss to the nape of your neck. “Is that poor pussy frustrated huh?” Another sloppy kiss between the valley of your shoulder blades, the head of his cock gliding between your glossy lips, spreading you apart. “Heh, she’s cryin’ for it, such a messy girl… drooling all over my cock like that.”

“Please,” it’s a broken, shameless plea as you crane your head, beautiful tears of desperation pricking your eyes, your pride somewhere so far gone, “pleasepleaseplease.”

A dark, breathy chuckle parts his lips, aching cock jerking against your awaiting hole. For years, he’s imagined you just like this — begging and crying for his cock like some insatiable whore. If anything, he’s denying himself; though, what’s left of his restraint quickly perishes at the sight of your sobbing hole tightening around nothing, kissing his shaft in a gleaming, warm mess.

He almost can’t help but to sink inside of you again, instead this time, he’s giving you everything, all of his twitching cock. The abrupt intrusion forces an incredulous gasp past your lips, a low, throaty groan dragging from his slack jaw in tandem. And just as he thought, your greedy pussy is swallowing his fat cock to the base effortlessly, almost as if it was hand tailored for you.

You’re fighting the gnawing urge to run — to clamber across the countertop and cower in fear, but you can’t fucking move. He’s got you pinned to the marble, a heavy hand at the rear of your neck, the other splayed across the thick of your hip, pulling you back onto his cock. It aches. The delirious stretch of his cock and how it steals your breath away, your mouth sagged, yet nothing is uttered. For once in your life, you’re speechless.

“Is this really all it takes, huh?” His hips are reeling back, the shiny essence of your arousal sheathing the entirety of his cock. “God, is this all it fucking takes to shut you up? A cock in this slutty little pussy, huhhh?” The bruising snap of his hips as he pummels forward nearly has you gushing down the length of him all too soon. “Answer me… and use your big girl words, c’mon sweetheart.” 

A loud, desperate gasp of air is all you can manage, bottom lip trembling as you attempt to say something, anything. The hand that holds your neck is threading throughout your mussed hair, forcing your gaze onto his and he can’t help but to laugh at your stupid expression — drool spilling from the corners of your mouth, thick brows knitted so tightly as your pretty eyes threaten to cross. Of course you can’t fucking speak, you’re drunk.

“My goodness, I wish you could see yourself… you’re so stupid on it,” he admires almost endearingly, a warm, mindless thumb grazing your bottom lip, “that perfect fucking face, god. You are so pretty taking it, such a goooood pretty slut for that cock, fuck.” The near possessive growl that belts from the depths of his lungs is like nothing you have ever heard — so filthy and shameless and ridden with his unbearable lust.

Toji is completely losing himself in the wet, endless abyss of pleasure that is you. Babbling nothing but loud, reckless praises, your pretty name spilling so willfully from his slutty tongue. He can hardly help the way he’s subconsciously jerking you back onto his cock. His big, greedy hands tighten so possessively around your pretty waist, meeting himself halfway. The obscene plap! of his achingly full balls beating up your quivering clit with each ensuing thrust.

“Thaaat’s it, you’re so good, that pussy is so fucking good… takin’ it soo deep for me.” He mindlessly blabbers, a large hand creeping beneath the thin fabric of your shirt, the calloused pads of his fingers sweeping across your soft, perspiring skin.

Every coherent thought you have ever had is long forgotten, poor mind completely barren. He’s the only thing you can hear, think, feel — the greedy hands that wordlessly command you, the warm stretch of his drooling cock as it wholly splits you apart. Even the fat, curious thumb that’s sinking inside of that other poor, neglected hole of yours is prying your lips open in a helpless mewl of pleasure.

“It’s sooo good… sooofuckingooood, oh my god.” You snarl, teeth bared and his jaw nearly unhinges — you sound so fucking pretty. “I love it, I love it, I loveee your c-cock.”

“Yeaaah, sweetheart?” He coos, heavy head deliriously falling back to dangle between his broad shoulders. “God, you needed this, didn’t you? Look at your hips buck like such a nasty slut.” A loud, ear splitting smack! lands against the fat of your ass. “Do you dream about it after you fuck yourself and cum all over my clothes, huh?” Another smack! to the other cheek, your poor cunt consequently squeezing down the base of his cock. “No fucking shame either.”

You possess half the brain to respond, not sure whether to shake your head or nod, too far gone to even make sense of anything anymore. Moan after unrestrained moan spill from both of your raptured tongues, the two of you sharing a few synchronous gasps of air or delirious cries of overwhelming pleasure. It’s the most debauched, yet utterly erotic thing you have ever experienced, but then, there’s a loud, roaring voice that’s stilling Toji’s hips.

“What the fuck is going on here?!”

Fuck.

© fushiguho.

[ir-abelas-vhenan]

Something Something Yeah It's Still Solavellan Hours (Mythal is kind of here, too)

I've seen a few very beautifully articulated posts talking about the conflicted responses players are finding themselves having in regards to the decision by writers* to have Solas' atonement route possible because of his conversation with one of the remaining fragments of Mythal.

(*honestly I hesitate to put the weight of bigger game events on their shoulders because of how much I know bigger players in the company were involved, so when you read 'writers' know I just mean whoever had final say on plot)

I love reading where people are at on this, and having now breathed, re-played the scene, cried, read some more theories, and then played the scene again enough times I think I'm now able to figure out where I'm at.

TLDR: in my humble opinion, the conversation Solas has with Mythal doesn't bring him any actual closure at all. It is only the version of the atonement ending that has Lavellan in which he is actually set upon a road to redemption.

This, like everything else where I lose my mind, will be long. I tried to restrain myself and here we are, unhinged as ever.

I was unhappy at first that Mythal's incredibly brief conversation with Solas where she releases him from her service seemed to be what finally allowed him to make a decision based on his wants and not hers. My concern stemmed mostly from the fact that a lot of us are trying to be active participants in a society that recognizes patterns of abuse and seeks to establish channels through which individuals can pursue healing without the approval, consent, or demise of their abuser.

But the more I look at the scene, the more I wonder what would have happened in a world where Veilguard got just a little more time in development. Could we have gotten a scene that more elegantly conveys the theme that we cannot heal every part of our loved ones, much as we might like to?

In an imperfect world it isn't always up to us how someone finds closure, which really sucks when you'd like to ensure a loved one finds it in a way that preserves their dignity and limits exposure to the individuals who have harmed them.

And while it could be left there, I'd like to actually push back on the idea that Mythal is in any way responsible for "healing" Solas in this moment.

I went on a different tirade a few days ago about how at the end of Inquisition, Mythal says words to Solas that on their surface seem well-intentioned or placating, but they actually just serve to further bind him in guilt and a position of servitude. In Veilguard's finale, she still does not take accountability for exactly how much of a role she played in the pain that Solas, a man others have revered and feared as a god, has gone through as he cowers, actually cowers before her.

Mythal's interaction with Solas conveys exactly two things to him as far as I am concerned (I'm going to botch these quotes but my laptop is dying so please accept some paraphrase as I rush to finish this before I go cry about this analysis to my uncaring dog):

"The terrible things we did, we did together." You are forever tied to me.

"I release you from my service." But what am I releasing you to?

Because up until Lavellan joins the fray here, all I take away from the physical and unwilling emotional cues Solas gives in this scene (he is a master in trickery, for goodness' sake, the thought of so many witnesses seeing him unable to hide behind a mask has to leave him feeling anguished on top of everything else) is that Mythal has once again reminded him of everything he did in her name and telling him that all that's left for him is to go back to the fade prison and, as he as always done, endure the crushing weight of his failures alone.

To me, in my interpretation, the Solas that hears this from Mythal with no Lavellan intervention may choose to willingly step down from his original plan (and yeah, that's gonna do some damage) but he is certainly not free of his past. He's going to be reminded of it every time he turns a corner and finds more blight to try and soothe, and even the moments that he rests will be filled with more manifestations of his regret. He says it himself: where he's going? It's terrible.

Enter Lavellan. Yeah, he couldn't bring himself to listen to her at her first plea (but like damn how many times are we going to have to watch her give a heartfelt speech only for him to be like 'something something beautiful elven rejection'). But I know that you know that our clever icon knows better than to take what Solas says at face value. She tells Rook plainly that he's absolute dogshit at lies of the heart, and she says it with her whole chest.

Lavellan sees the way his shoulders slump (in resignation yes, but you can't convince me there's not a little bit of relief there, too), she hears the agony in the "vhenan" that escapes his lips (which, don't even get me started on the fact that it's been like nine years and he has no hesitation at all calling her his heart, it just spills out of him). It is not the sound of a man delighting in the steps he's about to take. They're certainly not steps he does not dislike that lead to a destination he enjoys.

And then she watches Mythal (who I can't imagine she feels any sort of fondness or respect for) pull some weird nonsense on her love one final time, and she knows it's her moment to shine.

Mythal, I would argue, pushes Solas down one more time, shames him into seeking atonement, into once again being alone.

It is the romanced Lavellan that kneels so that he cannot fail to meet her eyes. It is she who invokes their connection, not to remind him of his failures but to reaffirm his greatest strength: their love and their love alone is inevitable. Not the consequences of his past, not the regret he thinks will consume him as he seeks to mend what has been broken. It has only ever been them.

"There is no fate but the love we share". We are forever tied together.

"There is no fate but the love we share." *I* am releasing you from everything else save for this love.

Put colloquially: get absolutely fucking wrecked, Mythal.

Body language comparison to chase up the dialogue one, anyone? The way Solas shrinks before Mythal as opposed to him walking off into the fade with Lavellan at his side and standing tall, and he does not flinch when she lifts a hand to his shoulder?

Ultimately, Mythal is a part of the atonement endings no matter what. But it is only Lavellan that refuses to let him walk alone. It is only Lavellan that guarantees that his dinan'shiral ends not in a prison of regret, but a place of promise.

Mythal bends Solas until he breaks one last time. Lavellan takes each piece, claims it as hers, and uses them to build the beginnings of a future.

[doctorprofessorsong]

I've been waiting to really have some time to type out my thoughts about the Ody3, and now I have managed to sneak away, so here you go.

Doctor Odyssey is not being presented as a love triangle, but instead as a throuple. A basic tenet of polyamory for a lot of people is: one person cannot meet all my emotional and physical needs.

And to be crystal clear, that's also something the show has expressly outlined. The captain said it. Out loud. About a throuple. So it's not like this is unintentional.

With that, here's why this throuple story is balanced and conveying clearly that they each meet separate and important emotional needs (physically they've all said it was awesome so let's assume the sex is good)

Avery - Avery is an interesting character because she is very smart and largely defines herself by academic accomplishments. In fact, she is considering med school but doesn't have a burning need to be a doctor. She just feels like it's what she should do. This wars with her nature to pursue pleasure. She wants to see the world. She isn't interested in settling down. And she has a fear of commitment that stems from being hurt while envisioning a future where she has "fixed" herself and has kids and a spouse. She also froze her eggs, which takes commitment, but didn't say kids as her bucket lost goal.

Tristan - Tristan is all heart. He's touchy and feels deeply and openly and unapologetically. He openly loves, appreciates being wanted, and tbh is a himbo (honorific). He also is terrified of being left because of his mother who love bombed and abandoned him over and over again. He craves something stable while also being absolutely terrified of getting it and either losing it or losing his taste for it. He wants kids but isn’t willing to risk his heart unless he knows his partner is all in on him which is basically an impossibility at the front end of a relationship.

Max - Max is smart and he knows it. He loves learning new things with an enthusiasm most people don't appreciate. But that's both an attribute and a drawback for him because Max hides behind his knowledge when he's scared or hurt. Rather than be vulnerable, he falls into a pattern of professionalism and authority (earned or not). He longs to let his hair down, but stepping out of his self-imposed role is terrifying.

So knowing all that, let's look at them ttogether.

Max and Avery - these two absolutely thrive in an academic or cerebral challenge. They challenge each other and push each other intellectually. They are attracted to the other in part by those sexy brains. But they have no idea how to cross the divide on an emotional level. Avery has no clue how to tease Max out of his rigid walls (something she seems to acknowledge when asking Tristan to help with the throuple idea). And Max also can't figure that out. Also, Max encourages Avery's instinct to define herself by academic achievements (not purposely so much as because they are too alike here)

Max and Tristan - Max and Tristan have similar life goals but it's the way they connect emotionally that is the key to the balance for both characters. Tristan can reach Max, like he did in the mid season finale. He breaks the ice around Max's heart. Max, meanwhile, gives Tristan and stability and maturity he craves. And Max feels like he's a constant. He may retreat behind his walls and rules, but you get the feeling that if he lets that guard down, he would be a steady partner.

Avery and Tristan - these two like each other. They're close. They care about each other. Yet they didn't find a space without Max. I think it's because they are both too prone to having fun (Avery) and running away from commitment (both of them). Tristan has historically held Avery up as an idea while not seeing the person. Avery has either dismissed Tristan or recognized she isn't willing to give him the steady commitment he craves. They are GREAT for each other. They care about each other and support each other and connect so well. But neither of them is in a space where a healthy relationship can form on their own.

When you put them all together, you start to see both how they fulfill certain needs in each other but also how they fill in the gaps. No pairing stands alone. It's unbalanced. But together, they work so well.

Interestingly, we're shown that. They are best when they are together and on the same page. Things feel unbalanced when they aren't on screen together. Even when they work well together one on one, eventually coming together as a triad is like an emotional home base for them.

[forever-once-gone]

Day 8: Taehyung - He Brings You A Gift, and a Smaller One for Your Baby Too

Part of the Love, Amour, Aur Pyaar drabble series for February! (lol)

Word count: 1.2k

Content and Warnings: gn! reader, husband!Taehyung, married au, parents au, just a lot of sweetness, your baby is cute too, not much else I guess

Author's Note: Another one for today cause I'm feeling nice lol. Let me know if you'd like me to post more. I mean, even if you don't I probably still will eventually, just may take me another few months lol.

You expected to wake up to your baby crying or at the very least babbling in his crib. That is how it’d been for the last odd months. Constantly waking up to baby cries and noises, leading to either you or your husband to get up and tend to him while the other tried to get a couple more minutes of shut eye.

But this time was different. You woke up to quiet. Complete and utter silence.

It took you a few seconds for you to realize that this was not normal. Not frequent for the past few months for you to wake up to dead quiet. But then you considered the fact that your husband wasn’t in bed with you either, and though (with a glance at your nightside clock ) it was still relatively early in the morning, Tae had probably taken the little guy downstairs to let you sleep. Still, you rose up from your bed for a second to confirm the crib was empty before reassuring yourself that everything was fine.

You took a couple minutes to cuddle back into bed, enjoying the subtle sunshine peeking out of the curtains. But despite the kind gesture, you couldn’t rest knowing that Taehyung was dealing with your baby all by himself for who knows how long. You knew Tae would yell at you to stay in bed longer, to rest, but you just couldn’t.

So you quickly freshened up in the bathroom before making your way down the stairs. Faintly, underneath the sound of the stairs’ creaks, you could hear your husband humming to his baby. You could hear short moments when he’d sing words aloud before switching back to humming once again.

Only when you reached the bottom step did Taehyung seem to notice that you had woken up, because that’s when his head whipped around to look at you over the back of the couch. The two of them looked too cute together in their night clothes.

His look of surprise settled quickly into a fond smile, shifting to look at you better as you made your way behind the couch. When you stood over him, peering down at him and your baby did he speak. “Good morning, baby.”

You pressed a kiss to his forehead with a hand against the back of his head before bending over the couch to press a kiss to the baby’s head as well. Tae had to raise him up so you could reach him without too much strain. “Good morning, cuties,” you replied, as you straightened back out, before circling the couch to sit down beside the two of them.

“How long have you two been up?” you asked as you rested your head on Tae’s shoulder, poking at your baby as he babbled happily up at you.

“Not too long.” Taehyung cradled the baby even closer to his chest.

You hummed affirmation. “Thank you for letting me sleep in again.”

“Like you even need to thank me, baby.”

“No, but still.”

Taehyung just wrapped his arm around you, pulling the both of you closer to him. “Well then it was my pleasure. Right honey?” he asked the baby. “It was a pleasure to be with appa for the morning?”

Your baby crinkled his nose happily in response with a sweet little smile and gurgle.

“You loved it with appa, huh?” you continued just for the little guy to screech in happiness which made the both of you laugh quietly before all three of you settled back into quiet.

The three of you sat there for a few minutes, basking in the warmth of domesticity. Glad to be able to spend the wee hours of the morning with the people you loved the most. What a simple but full moment.

“So…” you began. “You gonna tell me why the baby’s car seat is out?”

Taehyung tensed up beside you for a second before relaxing once again. “No reason.”

“No reason?”

“Nope.”

“Hmm… okay. Let’s ask the babe.” You picked the baby up from Tae’s hands and held him up in front of your face. “Did appa do something he shouldn’t have? Did he make plans to take us out today even though he knows all I wanted to do today was still home?”

Your baby didn’t snitch on his father, instead he began to grab at your face, pulling on your nose and attempting to poke out your eyes. 

“Wow, such an appa’s boy you are!” you teased as you settled him into your lap. He was sat with his back against your bent legs. The baby only screeched in response, trying again to grab at your face.

“Yes he is,” Tae bragged with a large smile. “You are, aren’t you?” Tae began to poke at his tummy, making him laugh again.

“But seriously, baby, if you planned to go out today, I really can’t. I’m too tired and just want to stay home.”

Taehyung just kissed your temple in response. “I know, baby. I know.”

He unwrapped you from his arms before jumping up from the couch with newfound energy.

“Tae?” you questioned.

“I’ll be right back!” He answered unhelpfully.

You began to protest only to hear the garage door open and close before you could manage even one world.

You got up from your seat to go see what the commotion was all about with the baby still cradled in your arms.

“What is your appa up to today, honey?”

The baby again didn’t snitch on his father.

What a traitor.

“Tae?” you asked, opening the garage door only for Tae to already be standing right behind it making you jump.

He stood there in his fuzzy slippers and large nightclothes smiling at you just a bit too wide for such an early morning.

“Surprise!” He pulled his hands out from behind his back to reveal two bouquets of flowers. One large one with a mix of white lilies and tiny daisies, and an identical smaller one. “Flowers for my two most favourite people in the world!”

“Oh baby, I love them!” You grabbed both of the bouquets with one hand the best you could. “We’ll have to do a mini photoshoot of the baby with the bouquet, don’t you think?”

Tae’s eyes glimmered with excitement. “That’d be too cute!” He began to walk past you towards the stairs as he rambled about how he had the perfect outfit to match the flowers.

But with Tae out of the way, you noticed a box sitting pretty on the hood of the car in the garage.

“Tae? Are you forgetting something?”

He turned back at you with furrowed brows, before he noticed your head nod towards the open garage door. A lightbulb went off before he was racing back to you.

“Oh right! I got you those pains au chocolat that you love this morning too!” He rushed to grab the box from the garage before running back into the house again. Whispering mischievously to you as he passed, “still warm! Hope you’re hungry.”

You bumped the garage door closed after him, before following the sound of his plans for dressing up the baby after the two of you had your breakfast. All you could do was hold your baby and flowers close as you hobbled after your loving husband, thanking the universe for blessing you so.

Aren't they so cute?

[onepiecestarry]

A Different Kind of Pirate - Part 8

Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while, I went back to school and tbh nobody told me my second year in college or engineering would be this hard (they definitely did). But I’m making it thru! Only two more weeks T-T. But I checked on this story and saw 1.2k reads and never would’ve thought anyone would read this let alone that many of you (literally gonna cry). And I loved reading your comments. So here I am to update! I am sorry it took so long but I promise to actually finish it this time :) XOXO

Fluff, 1.7k words, lots of plot points glossed over from the manga/anime (sorry!)

Zoro x Reader

Masterlist

Part 8: A Samurai and a Florist

The next day you all convene to discuss the plan going forward. As you sit you watch Zoro making your tea, just how you like it, and coming to sit next to you, handing you your tea and placing his free arm around you. You lean into him quietly sipping on your tea while you wait for the rest of the crew. Once everyone was there Kin’emon started.

“We must go to Zou to reunite with your crew and find my friend! We will stop at Zou and continue to Wano after reuniting with everyone.” He exclaims.

The plans continue with the usual mapping and joking around. You all were not worried about getting to Zou, especially with Sanji there first to check everything out.

---- (Time skip past Zou events)

After the long process of getting to Zou, fighting, not fighting, fighting again, realizing Sanji’s gone, and finding Kin’emon’s friend was over you all realized you needed another plan.

“Alright, guys!” Nami yells at everyone sitting in a circle talking to get their attention. “Let's figure this out.” She says with a worried but determined look. “Okay we need to split up, half of us will go with Law’s crew and kin’emon and co. to Wano, and the other half will take the Sunny to Big Mom to get Sanji back, we just need to figure out who.” She explains.

“I’m going to get Sanji,” Luffy says with an unnaturally serious look on his face.

“Count me in too!” Says Brook, Chopper, Usopp, and some Minx.

“Okay, I’ll go with you guys to navigate the Sunny.

“Count me out, I ain’t savin' that shitty cook’s shitty life,” Zoro says leaning back on a tree. “And y/n is coming with me, the celestial dragons can’t get to her on Wano.” You hum in agreement at his statement.

“Alright then I think Zoro, y/n, Robin, and Frankie should go with Law, and we will all meet back up in Wano,” Nami says.

Everyone agrees and we all begin to pack to leave Zou. You become uneasy as you realize you’ll have to work with Law, nervous he’ll be upset about your last conversation. But you quickly shake it off knowing it can’t be avoided.

You get to Law’s ship with everyone else, Zoro is unusually close to you. You look up at him with a confused look as if asking ‘What’s up?’. He just nods over to Law and you nod in response, understanding he’s keeping him away from you.

Bepo showed you and the rest of the strawhats to an extra room you’d be using to sleep while traveling. As you walk in you see two small twin beds and two hammocks, four places to sleep, and five people.

Robin is already making one of the small beds for herself and Frankie and Usopp are getting comfortable in the hammock, so that leaves Zoro and you to the last twin bed. He didn’t even flinch, already on the bed getting comfortable and falling asleep. You giggle to yourself as you push him over to make room for yourself.

----

The days flew by quickly on your way to Wano, Zoro made sure that Law never came close to you, not that you were worried if he did. On the last day, you finally arrived, finding a cove to hide Law’s ship in and hiking up to a remote area to discuss your next steps.

That’s when Kin’emon revealed the reason you all were there, and how he and his friends had gotten there too. To say you were shocked was an understatement, but of course, Zoro had no reaction. You look at him dumbfounded that he's not the least bit confused or surprised.

“What? We’ve heard crazier.” He says nonchalantly.

“Have we?” You cross your arms in questioning.

“No, not at all.” He says leaning back on a rock. You giggle at his demeanor.

Your attention is taken from Zoro as Kin’emon starts to describe his plan.

“We will have all of you go undercover and spread these flyers to anyone with the crescent tattoo on their ankle. This message they will understand. Frankie, you will go undercover as a craftsman apprentice, and see if you can retrieve the blueprints of Kaido’s mansion from your boss. Robin, you will go undercover as a Geisha, your mission is to get close to the Shogun. Usopp, you will be a salesman and you will spread the flyers in the capitol. Zoro and y/n, you both will go undercover together as a samurai and flower shop owner. y/n I am putting Zoro with you to ensure he will not cause trouble as a foreign swordsman.” You giggle at Kin’emon’s comment.

“Hey! I don’t get into trouble… that often” Zoro whispers the last part. You laugh at his defense.

Kin’emon begins to hand out locations of apartments and houses we may stay at as well as stacks of flyers to hand out. Kin’emon then gives you all the clothes and hairstyles to fit in.

---

As you walk through the busy streets of the flower capital you smell all the delicious food stands nearby, watching people rush from building to building, as well as others on a casual stroll. You notice Zoro is beginning to turn in the wrong direction, so to prevent him from getting lost you grab his hand.

“I am not dealing with your directionless ass right now pretty boy, stay with me for the love of-”

“Don’t gotta ask me twice,” he says smirking down at you, making it obvious how okay he is with holding your hand.

You both continue to walk around looking for your assigned house, eventually finding it and entering. You look around at the sad wood falling apart, and the floor with torn mats.

“I guess that’ll make do.” You sigh. “Where’s the beds?” You question looking around.

“You mean bed. And probably a futon in the closet.” Zoro says looking through the cabinets in the kitchen.

You laugh at his correction of you and go to look for the futon, eventually finding it and setting it up with fresh sheets.

“Any food in there?” you yell over to Zoro.

“Nah, don’t think so,” Zoro says back.

“Alright, I guess we’ll have to go out and get some then. You sigh.

You make your way past the kitchen heading for the front door, but before you can take another step you are grabbed by your waist and twirled facing the other direction with Zoro leaning down towards your face, with a cocky smirk plastered on his face.

“Where do you think you’re going.” He says teasingly.

“To the flower shop to see what I’m dealing with, and to get some food for dinner.” You lightly hit his chest, giggling.

“Hmm, I’ll come with.” He says letting you go.

---

Once you get to your stall, you realize that it's already stocked with most things you’d need thankfully. Suddenly the woman in the stall next to you comes over to speak to you.

“Hello darling, are you both new in town?” She says sweetly looking between you and Zoro.

“Yes, we are, we just got married and decided to move to the capital from our home village,” Zoro says before you could even think of responding. Realizing what he said, your cheeks flush pink at his words.

“Aw how cute, you two make a great couple, I must say. You will make beautiful children one day I’m sure.” The older woman says innocently smiling at the two of you. You nearly choke on air at her words, but Zoro hides you behind him, thanking the woman while ushering her back to her stall.

He comes back to you stuffing your face in your kimono’s sleeves hiding your bright red face. He lets out a hard laugh, grabbing your face and moving it to look at him, only making you blush harder. You lightly slap his arms away and begin to ready your flower stall as he laughs watching you.

You both decide to return home after “borrowing” some food, as Zoro calls it. You immediately begin to prep dinner when you return, making some rice and cutting some vegetables. Zoro announces he’s going to shower, you hum in response.

Suddenly, you turned around and pressed up against the counter with Zoro’s arms on either side of you. You get flustered at his actions trying to look away. Zoro leans down and whispers in your ear, “Want to join me, wife?” He asks in a deep tone. You freeze at his offer, face flushed with pink once again. He laughs at your reaction and backs off retreating to the bathroom. You quickly return to cutting vegetables to take your mind off it.

You finished making dinner as Zoro exited the bathroom. “Hey, dinner ready, go ahead and sit down. I’ll bring you a-” You stammer as you turn to look at a freshly showered Zoro with a towel barely hanging off his hips, leaving not much to the imagination. You stare for a good few seconds before you realize he’s laughing at you.

You set the small table while he changes, making sure to give him a nice large portion. As he sits down he looks at the food you made.

“Wait is this curry?” He asks excitedly.

“Yeah, I figured it would be easy and filling.” You casually say beginning to eat.

“I fucking love curry.” He says inhaling all of his food. You laugh at him, happy to know he likes the food you made.

Once you both finished, he washed the dishes while you showered. After your shower, you sat on the edge of the futon thinking about the day, when Zoro came in and practically tackled you down onto the bed. Both of you laughing as you recovered.

He grabbed onto your waist pulling you closer as you both go to bed. “Goodnight wife.” He whispers before you hear his soft snores filling the room. You melt into his touch at the thought of how much he loves to call you that, eventually allowing yourself to get lost in the comfort of sleep. 

[naughtyneganjdm]

Love's Second Chance: A Holiday Reunion - Chapter 9

Summary: Joel is having a hard time coming to terms with Y/N not wanting to be with him and Tommy tries to help him through his tough time. Negan sets up a surprise for Y/N's children and lets them get an idea of what his life normally is like.

Characters: Joel Miller, Tommy Miller, the reader (OC), Negan Smith, Elizabeth, Peter, Dale Horvath, etc.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/60501985/chapters/155702092

Warnings: 18+, Swearing, angst, depression, drunk Joel, Joel jerking off, smut, public play, unprotected p in v, etc.

Notes: This chapter probably takes a deeper dive at Joel's depression that he has in this story. If that's a trigger, I will warn people of that ahead of time.

Days had passed since Tommy had gotten that call from Y/N asking Tommy to watch over Joel after things went down with them. At the time? She had been very vague and when Joel came home that night, he tried to blow off like everything was okay, but Tommy knew better than that. No one knew Joel better than he did. So he could tell something was off with Joel. During the day, Joel would bury himself in work and during the night, he’d drown himself with the bottle.

Lately, Tommy had been spending a lot of time with Maria so he hadn’t really been around Joel much. When Elizabeth and Peter were home, he had nothing to worry about. But over the last few days, he knew that they would be with Y/N for something she had planned out. That’s when Tommy truly had to worry about Joel. Being alone meant that Joel would be alone to his thoughts and Tommy didn’t like the idea of that. Even though he had planned to spend time with Maria, he knew that he needed to check in on Joel. Especially with Joel being so closed off about everything.

Moving down the stairs, Tommy stood at the bottom of the steps when he saw Joel sitting sprawled out on the couch. There was a nearly empty bottle of whiskey in Joel’s hand. Both his hair and clothes were a mess. Whatever he was watching on the television was incredibly loud causing Tommy to cringe at the sound of it. Reaching the first floor, Tommy moved across the room and reached for the remote to turn down the volume getting a scoff from Joel.

“You look like shit,” Tommy commented, tossing the remote next to Joel on the couch who pulled himself up slightly from where he was seated on the middle cushion. Joel’s eyelids were heavy with an irritated expression covering his features. Pointing to the bottle that was in Joel’s hand, Tommy tried to get his brother’s attention. “Did you drink all of that in one sitting?”

Dropping his head down, Joel lifted the bottle of whiskey that was in his hand to look it over. Dramatically shrugging his shoulders, Joel dropped the bottle back down. Not giving Tommy an answer, Joel just went back to watching the television ignoring Tommy in the moment.

“We need to talk,” Tommy announced, moving around the coffee table to sit on it. Blocking Joel’s view of the television had him grumbling under his breath. Annoyed, Joel tried to look around Tommy, but Tommy leaned over to get in his line of sight again. “What’s going on Joel? What’s wrong?”

“Who said something was wrong?” Joel sneered, bringing the bottle up to his lips to take a swig of the alcohol. Hissing out when he dropped the bottle back at his side, Joel shook his head. Avoiding the answer was a common thing for Joel. Over the years he had gotten good at shutting himself down, but he didn’t usually drown himself in his woes with alcohol. “I’m just watching a movie.”

Leaning in, Tommy immediately groaned out and threw his head back after he got close to Joel, “Jesus, Joel! You stink. You smell like a fucking distillery and…you just overall smell bad.”

“It’s not that bad,” Joel grunted to himself, lowering his head down. Pulling his shirt forward, he took a whiff of himself and grunted. Dropping the material of his shirt back down, he dramatically shrugged his shoulders and grumbled. “It ain’t that great either, but what does it matter? I got no one to impress. I’m alone.”

“Give me that,” Tommy snatched the bottle of alcohol from Joel’s fingers. Standing up from the coffee table had Joel scowling out. Trying to reach for the bottle, Joel fell to his knees from the couch. Pushing his hand into the center of the coffee table Joel tried to balance his weight. That alone proved that Joel was severely inebriated. Stumbling over his feet, Joel tried to get the bottle from Tommy who easily avoided him at every turn. “It’s time to hide this shit…”

“Don’t do that!” Joel called out after Tommy who was swift to move into the kitchen in search of anything else that Joel could drink.

Grabbing every bottle, Tommy realized that his brother was having a very bad problem and he needed help. A loud crashing sound filled the air evoking Tommy to jump and pushed the bottles aside. Heading back into the living room, Tommy sighed loudly when he looked down to see that Joel was face down on the floor. The coffee table was flipped over with Joel’s leg still laid out over the top of it.

“That’s it…” Tommy was infuriated with his brother right now as he headed over in the direction of Joel. “This has to stop.”  

“I’m fine,” Joel growled with Tommy turning him onto his back to make sure that he was okay. After confirming that he was fine, Tommy went over to the coffee table to pick it up and clean what had fallen off of it. Lifting his head, Joel noticed that the room was spinning causing him to groan out and drop his head back against the floor. Soon he felt Tommy returning, hooking his arms firmly underneath Joel’s armpits. With his strength, Tommy managed to drag Joel’s body toward the bottom of the stairs. Pulling him up into his arms, Tommy turned backwards toward the stairs so that way he could pull Joel up the steps. A thud filled the air with Joel’s boots hitting each step with every pull upward Tommy made. Hisses were escaping Joel’s throat with his ass colliding with the edge of each one of the steps. “Goddamn it Tommy! Let me go!”

“If you weren’t drunk, you’d easily be able to stop me,” Tommy reminded Joel, bringing attention to the fact that Joel was the stronger one between the two of them. But in this state? Joel could barely hold his head up. So he was in no condition to be making any kind of demands from Tommy. Each grunt from Joel’s throat grew louder until they got to the top of the stairs. Starting to swat at Tommy’s hands, Joel seemed pretty desperate to get Tommy to let go of him. Flopping much like a fish out of water would. “You’re drunk as a skunk big brother. You’re not gonna be able to stop me.”

“This is bullshit!” Joel slurred, his feet kicking against the floor of the hallway while Tommy dragged him toward the bathroom. As they reached the door, Tommy dropped Joel back onto the ground eliciting a loud groan from Joel. Anger flooded his veins, but at the same time Joel felt his stomach turning. Closing his eyes, Joel’s main focus at this point was not letting himself vomit everywhere. Right now? He was losing the battle. “Tommy? Tommy! Help!”

“With what?” Tommy was quick to look back over his shoulder after pushing open the bathroom door. Desperately trying to pull himself up to his knees, Joel was looking at the toilet. In that moment Tommy saw all of the color leaving Joel’s face and he swiftly reached down to try to assist his brother in getting to the toilet. The moment he was near it, Joel’s arms hooked around it. Thankfully they were able to get there in time for Joel to start throwing up immediately. “Fuck Joel!”

Standing up, Tommy brushed his fingers through his longer hair, slicking it back. The sounds that Joel was making proved to Tommy that Joel was miserable. It had been a very long time since he had seen his brother get this drunk.  Noticing that Joel was having a hard time staying up on his knees, Tommy reached to brace his brother up. Doing his best to not get any throw up on him.

By the time Joel finished, he was hovering over the toilet heaving. Breathless, Joel’s body was shaking. Guilt was eating away at Tommy that he let his brother get this bad without realizing it. Brushing his fingers through Joel’s damp hair, Tommy got Joel to tip his head back so he could take a look at him.

“We need to get you into the shower,” Tommy announced, stumbling as he stood up. Moving for the shower, Tommy turned it on. Testing the water, he made sure it was warm before heading back for Joel. Reaching for the bottom of Joel’s t-shirt, Tommy tugged at the material, but Joel simply groaned and dropped his head to the side. Instead of focusing on that, Tommy reached for Joel’s boots pulling them off in a firm tug. Then he easily got Joel’s socks off. Trying to turn Joel, Tommy felt a large amount of restraint and he hissed. “Goddamn it Joel.”

Huffing out, Joel couldn’t put up much more of a fight with Tommy starting to undo his belt, “What in God’s name are you doing?”

Forcefully pulling off Joel’s jeans had Tommy pulling Joel toward him against the bathroom floor. Tossing Joel’s jeans aside, Tommy gave Joel a glare and then went back to work on getting the dark blue t-shirt that Joel was wearing off of him. Not being sensitive with it, Tommy yanked the shirt up causing Joel’s limp arms to go with the movement and Tommy tossed that to the ground too.

Leaving Joel in his boxer briefs, Tommy dragged Joel toward the shower and braced him against the corner of it. Directing the water at Joel had him hissing out in anger with the water flowing down over him. Kneeling down beside Joel, Tommy was doing his best to make sure that his brother didn’t pass out.

“The hell happened to you?” Tommy inquired reaching for the shampoo to pour a large amount in over Joel’s head. It had Joel’s dark eyes locking with his and if looks could kill, Joel’s glare would have killed him. “It’s been a long time since I found you like this.”

“I’m not a baby,” Joel huffed with Tommy caressing the shampoo into his hair to lather it up. In this position Joel felt like he was a child being reprimanded.

“You’re acting like one,” Tommy’s deep southern drawl echoed throughout the room. There was frustration in his eyes while he took care of his brother. Swatting at Tommy’s hand, Joel hissed when Tommy smacked back at him. “You don’t want to be treated like a child? Then stop acting like one!”

“I’m not!” Joel growled, dropping his head down while Tommy worked his fingers through his hair to help get the shampoo from it.

There was a whole lot of bickering and trying to push Tommy away. Until finally Tommy stood up. Instead of leaving, Tommy just reached for the bottle of body wash. Holding it over Joel, Tommy started to squeeze the bottle covering Joel’s body with it.

“Now either clean yourself up, or I will do it for you!” Tommy snatched the clean washcloth that was sitting on the counter of the bathroom sink. Tossing it at Joel, it landed at the center of Joel’s chest. Biting down on his bottom lip, Joel did his best to pull himself up enough so that he could scrub at his body to the best of his ability. When Tommy thought the soap was washed away from Joel’s body he turned off the shower and tossed Joel a towel.

“Dry yourself off,” Tommy demanded, leaning against the sink. Joel was still sitting in the shower looking rather pathetic. Right now Tommy’s heart was pounding inside of his chest. That whole thing was quite the workout and he was furious that it had to get to this. This wasn’t normal for Joel. Tommy couldn’t even recall the last time he found Joel this drunk and in this kind of condition. Joel looked like a wet dog just sitting there with the towel in his lap. Joel’s hair was in front of his face and there was a pathetic expression over his features. “Now Joel!”

Rolling his eyes, Joel lifted the towel to start wiping at his face and his chest before dropping the towel back down. By the way he did it? Joel just seemed to give up and Tommy didn’t know what he was going to do. It looked like Joel was about to explode, but instead he dropped his head down and started sobbing, “It’s over.”

“What’s over?” Tommy was confused, his eyebrows furrowing with Joel’s sudden outburst. Joel was not the kind of person to cry like this. Even if he was drunk, so Tommy just stepped forward and stared down at Joel. This was not a situation he knew how to fix.

“My relationship with Y/N,” Joel buried his head into his hands. Lowering down, Tommy knelt beside his brother, tipping his head to the side.

“That’s been over for four years Joel,” Tommy reminded his brother with a shake of his head. Tossing his right hand out, he tried to get Joel’s attention but he was lost inside of his misery and his tears. “You’re kinda late to react big brother.”

“No! You’re not listening to me!” Joel whined, dropping his hands down at his sides causing the towel to drop in his lap.

“Well you’re not making much sense now are you?” Tommy fought back with Joel who reminded Tommy of a child with the face that Joel was making.

“She doesn’t want me anymore,” Joel responded with a whimper, his cries broken. Tommy had never really seen Joel act like this before so he was still tense. Joel was not known for having meltdowns. “I did the most romantic thing I’ve ever done. I reckon you wouldn’t even believe me if I told you what I did.”

“Try me,” Tommy shrugged, waiting to hear his brother’s story. “You’d be surprised what I would believe these days.”

“The other day? I bought this dress for her. When we were married, we were walking through this shop and she was breath taken by this dress, y’know? But it was so expensive. We couldn’t afford it at the time. So I thought by buying it for her, she’d appreciate it. I laid the dress out on her bed with a flower and a note with directions. I sent a car to pick her up. I had it take her to the high school. I put up signs for her to follow. It took her to the planetarium where I explained to her the first time I fell in love with her was in that room. I explained how much I loved her,” Joel rambled having to cover his mouth for a moment when he thought he was going to throw up again. It took a minute for the feeling to go away before he started up again. “I sang to her. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve sang?”

“I imagine a long time, hmm?” Tommy replied back seeing Joel drop his head into his hands again. “What has you so sad Joel?”

“We slept together. It was romantic. It was perfect,” Joel rambled on, his head shaking while he spoke. “But then after? She told me that she thinks that I only want to be with her again cus’ Negan is there. That the only reason that I want her back is because she has someone else in her life. She doesn’t think I genuinely love her,” Joel explained with a broken breath, his whole-body aching while he sat what felt like in a puddle with his soaked boxer briefs.

“Do you wanna get back with her because Negan is in her life?” Tommy questioned, his eyes curious with Joel throwing his hands up again. Even though Joel was frustrated, Tommy was going to push the subject. “It’s a good question Joel. You didn’t make a move for four years. I could see why she would think that since you never made a move before.”

“But see! That’s not true!” Joel stressed to Tommy knowing that he didn’t always tell his little brother about their relationship. “We had sex all the time after we got divorced. So many times. Even when I was with Tess. So I’ve obviously still been clinging onto her. It’s not like I never truly made a move.”

“But did you ever do something like you did at the school? Something romantic? A gesture that would sweep her off her feet?” Tommy pressured Joel to answer the question, but by the way Joel looked at him, Tommy had his answer. “She loves you more than anything Joel. Except your kids. Y’know that. Anyone with eyes knows that. I’ve never seen a gal look at someone the way that she looks at you. I could only wish to have Maria love me that much in the future.”

“Then why doesn’t she want to be with me?” Joel bit down on his bottom lip, the droplets from the water falling from his hair trailing down his face. Sadness was eating away at Joel and Tommy could visibly see that his brother was shattered over all of this.

“Joel, I love you. You’re the man I look up to the most in this world, but you forget the things that you did to her. You left her Joel. You broke her heart,” Tommy claimed, recalling their past together. Outstretching his hand, Tommy pat Joel on the side of his face to get Joel to look up at him. “You were everything to her. There wasn’t a person that questioned how much she loved you. I saw it when I was a kid. I see it now. But when you left her? I don’t even know if you realize how much you truly broke her.”

Hearing this from his little brother didn’t help. Dropping his head, Joel swallowed down hard with Tommy explaining things to him, “You have to understand what a shock everything was to everyone. Your relationship was so good for so long. The two of you were like the town super couple. You fought all the obstacles and you won. You both gave up your lives to take care of me. And then she got pregnant with Elizabeth and her parents disowned her. The two of you had to face the world completely on your own and you succeeded. You made a life for yourselves. Most couples never accomplish that. No matter how much help they have.”

“Tommy…” Joel breathed out, the reminder of the past causing the ache at the center of his chest to grow.

“No, you don’t understand Joel. You and her? You were the couple that everyone wanted to be like. The two of you? God it was sickening during the first half of your marriage. The way the two of you looked at each other? I’ve never seen a love like that. It was why you two won that stupid snow king and queen every fucking year big brother. You were a team. But not only that? You two were so in love. And your family was perfect. You were like a couple that walked right out of a television show. Yeah, you were young but it was beautiful.”

The sobs of Joel started up again, his head burying into his hands to try to hide from Tommy that he was having a break down about his past, “You never fought. You never got angry at each other. And then all of a sudden after how many years of perfection, you just started getting so angry. And it was bound to happen at some point. The fighting. All couples fight. No one believed it when you separated. It was never Joel. It was never Y/N. It was Joel and Y/N. Together since their teen years.”  

“I got confused,” Joel declared, shaking his head when he thought about his past.  “I made a horrible mistake. I was depressed and I let that cloud my judgement. I didn’t seek help and…it made me make poor decisions.”

“Then why did you wait until now to do something about it Joel?” Tommy was asking the same question that Y/N did which frustrated Joel.

“I don’t know!” Joel growled, grimacing when he thought about that answer. “Tess and I broke up because I never showed her affection. I didn’t tell her I loved her even though I did care about her. I just…I always loved Y/N. Tess knew that. I knew that. No one I slept with was gonna get from me in a relationship that Y/N did.”

“Which honestly isn’t much at this point Joel. The old you? Sure. This one? It’s not the same man that I grew up with,” Tommy informed his brother with a frown. Even though Joel was an amazing human being, he failed at certain parts and Joel needed to hear it. “You are the best big brother. I owe everything to you. I do. And I’m gonna look up to you until the day I die. And you’re a great dad. If I have kids? I wanna be just like you. Pete & Ellie love you so much. You’ve been an amazing dad. But you? You’re lacking in the emotional department.”

“Thank you,” Joel didn’t appreciate that comment, but Tommy was just being honest with him.

“After our parents died, you just shut down. I’m surprised that you did so well with Y/N for so long,” Tommy declared wondering how they made it as long as they did in the first place. “I just never thought it would be you leaving her. I thought it would be the other way around when you started getting so fucking angry. That woman loved you endlessly. If I have someone love me that much in my life, I could only be so lucky.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Joel spoke quietly, trying to faintly dab at himself with the towel. “I want her back. But there is Negan…”

“Joel,” Tommy started, going to say something but then stopped. Biting down on his bottom lip Tommy considered what he should and should not say. “Do you love her? Like really really love her?”

“I do,” Joel answered quickly without missing a beat.

“Then maybe you need to let her go. I’ve seen her with Negan,” Tommy stated with a frown, knowing this was likely not the advice that Joel wanted. “He makes her happy Joel. Real smiles. He makes her laugh.”

Hearing that gutted Joel and he forced himself to look away from his brother with his jaw flexing, “Every time she is with you, I see her crying. I know she loves you. I do. I see it. But you broke her heart. You hurt her. Without meaning to Joel. Maybe if you want her happy, you have to let her go.”

“But what about me?” Joel blurt out having Tommy inhale sharply. “What am I supposed to do when the only one for me is her?”

“Joel,” Tommy began, his words stopping. Reaching for his brother’s hands, Tommy pulled Joel up to his feet. Leading Joel out of the shower, Tommy was careful with not getting Joel to slip. Once he had him on the rug, Tommy pat his brother on the shoulder. “I think you’ve had so many chances at this point that you’re just gonna have to find a way to make things work.”

Instead of responding to his brother, Joel wrapped the towel around his waist. Carefully working off his boxer briefs, Joel kicked out of the wet material. Bracing his hands on the counter beside the sink, Joel looked at himself in the steamed over mirror. He really did look terrible.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?” Joel grumbled under his breath attempting to wipe at his face with the back of his hand.

“Yeah, sure,” Tommy dug into his pocket to reach for his cell phone. “I was supposed to go out with Maria, but I’d rather be with you right now. Keep you from drinking more.”

“No, no. Don’t,” Joel shook his head, struggling to keep himself up. Turning to face Tommy, he kept himself braced on the counter. “I don’t want you to be like me. You go out with that girl and you be happy. Because one of us needs to be.”

“It’s okay Joel,” Tommy went to continue to call Maria, but Joel reached for Tommy’s phone. Shaking his head again, Joel swallowed down hard and sighed. “We can watch the movie together. I can go out with her tomorrow.”

“Little brother, I’ll be fine,” Joel tapped Tommy on the side of the face while handing him back his cell phone. “I reckon I’ll go lay down. Close my eyes and try to rest.”

“You sure?” Tommy confirmed with Joel, his dark eyes worried about his older brother. “I don’t mind.”

“I insist,” Joel winked taking his time to balance his weight. Slowly moving to the bedroom, Joel did his best to make it to the bed. Dropping onto it, Joel noticed behind heavy eyelids that Tommy was watching him. Confliction filled his body before Tommy went to go get ready. Reaching for a pillow, Joel buried his head underneath it. Trying to focus on something other than the sadness he was feeling, Joel eventually heard footsteps in his room. “I’m fine Tommy.”

“Just call me if you need me,” Tommy begged of his brother having Joel push the pillow away from his head. “I will be here in an instant if you need me.”

“Will do,” Joel gave a sign with his hand that it would be okay. “Go enjoy your girl. I’ll survive.”

It looked like Tommy thought he was making a mistake in leaving. But when he did, Joel stretched his arms out. Hearing the front door open and close, Joel gave it a few minutes before pushing himself up into a seated position. Reaching his hand out to grab his laptop that was on the dresser, Joel opened it up and put in his password. Looking through his folders, he stopped on one that he looked in often. Swallowing down hard, he opened it up and scrolled through until he found the file that he wanted.

Setting his computer on the bed, Joel rest back on his elbow and sighed staring out at the video. Stretched out on their old bed, Y/N was naked while Joel set up the camera. In their past years, Joel was always very big on recording things and she allowed it. Although, she had always requested him to delete the videos after so the children would never find it but Joel had a hard time getting rid of their past together.

Biting down on his bottom lip, Joel grumbled under his breath when he watched a much younger, leaner version of himself entering the screen in just a pair of light jeans. Maybe it was wrong watching something like this, but Joel didn’t give a fuck at this point.

Keeping his eyes locked on the screen, Joel watched the video closely. His pulse leapt in his chest when he heard her moans start to flood from his laptop when the younger version of himself started going down on her. Even though the video wasn’t the best of quality, Joel could remember perfectly what this moment was like. The taste of her. The sounds that she made.

Unhooking his towel, Joel lowered his hand and started to palm in over his length. Closing his eyes, he pictured what it was like to be with her. That it was her hand touching him and not his own. The sounds of her crying out his name in the video had him hissing out. At this point he would have done anything to be with her like this again.

Opening his eyes, Joel watched as his younger self stood up from the bed and pushed his jeans down his legs. Even back then the way she looked at him took his breath away. Tommy was right. The way she looked at him was unlike anything he had ever felt before. In the video he crawled in over her and the sound she made sent chills throughout his body. There was something in the way that Y/N touched him in the video that made him bite down on his bottom lip.

“I love you, so much,” Joel could hear her words lingering when they started making love. Their breathing was loud with her telling him how much he meant to her.

“I love you,” Joel groaned, curling his fingers around the shaft of his erection after hearing him whisper the same thing back to Y/N in the video.

Maybe this would be the only sexual interactions he’d have with anyone from here on out. Maybe this was all he deserved and he would have to learn to accept it. Now that he was alone, there weren’t many options really at the end of the day. And that was his own fault.

----

“I don’t understand why we have to wear these, but mom doesn’t,” Peter complained with the pressure of Negan’s hands over his shoulders leading him in the direction that he needed to go. Today Negan told them that he was taking them somewhere special, but halfway through the drive both Elizabeth and Peter had to put blindfolds on. Elizabeth was being led by Y/N and Peter was being led by Negan. “Why can she know where we are going?”

“Because I asked her if she would be okay with it, so she knows where we are,” Negan’s deep raspy voice grumbled from behind Peter who huffed loudly. “Just a few more steps and you are going to be okay,” Negan instructed and it felt like they were walking for quite some time. “Watch your step. The ground is gonna feel weird.”

“When can we take these off?” Elizabeth stammered, letting out an uncomfortable breath. Keeping her hands out in front of her trying to prepare herself from not running into something.

“A few more steps,” Negan instructed finally stopping and patting Peter on the shoulders to alert him that they were ready to go. Wherever they were, it was cold out. So Peter easily figured out that they were outside, but what was weird is he thought they had walked into a building at first. “Okay. I think you can take them off now.”

“Finally,” Peter groaned, dramatically pulling the blindfold off letting out an astonished sound when he realized that they were standing at home plate of the baseball stadium that Negan’s team played at. “Holy fucking shit.”

“Peter,” Y/N laughed, helping Elizabeth get her blindfold off. By the expression over Elizabeth’s face Y/N could tell that Elizabeth was in awe of it. Both her children loved sports so when Negan asked her if he could bring the two of them here, she was eager to allow it. And by the looks on their faces? That was all she needed to know that she made the right decision.  

“Mom, this is so fucking cool,” Peter retorted with a snort throwing his hand up in the air to stare out at the slightly snow-covered ground of the field. His big, brown eyes were full of amazement and he bounced somewhat in place. “We’re on the actual field. Most people that end up here go to jail for being where we are. Unless it’s the team, obviously! But we’re nobody and we are standing on the field.”

“Hey,” Negan hushed getting Peter to look back at him. “Don’t say that about yourself. You’re not a nobody. None of you are. All three of you are someone.”

With a smirk, Y/N reached out to squeeze faintly at Negan’s shoulder appreciating hearing him say that to her son. Giving her a wink, Negan leaned in to press his forehead to hers before leaning back.  

“What do you think?” Negan stepped forward, loosely wrapping his arms around both Peter and Elizabeth’s shoulders. Both of the children stepped in closer to him as they gazed upon the stadium from where they were standing on the field. “Obviously, this will be cooler in the summer and spring when I can bring you out here and maybe you will get to enjoy it without the snow.”

“This is really cool,” Elizabeth noted, gazing over at Negan who gave her a wink. Giving them both a firm squeeze, Negan released them and then stepped back to reach for Y/N’s hand to hook his fingers with hers. “How did you do this?”

“Well, I kind of work here,” Negan snickered drawing Elizabeth to roll her eyes and turn away from him. Snorting out, Negan shrugged his shoulders and swallowed down hard. “I thought you two might want to see this since you both love baseball so much. I called in a favor with my coach to let the two of you come here. I have an apartment in the city that the four of us will stay at tonight. So…yeah. I thought you might enjoy getting to experience this.”

“Can I run around?” Peter begged of Negan, looking over his shoulder. Smirking, Negan gave a single nod and watched Peter immediately take off running through the small amount of snow to run around the field.

“You can check out anything you want too,” Negan offered to Elizabeth who stood there for a moment trying to act like the older more mature person over her little brother. That didn’t last long though because soon she was running toward the middle of the field to look out at all the seats that were surrounding them.

“You have provided these two with so much bragging material over these last few weeks,” Y/N declared letting go of Negan’s hand so she could wrap her arm around his waist. Almost instinctively Negan wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in closer to him. “Do they really let you come here whenever you want?”

“Not really,” Negan stammered, smirking with the way that Peter and Elizabeth seemed to be getting a kick out of being here. Peter did a roll on the ground that had Negan snorting out at his antics. “The coach just owes me some favors. I also told him that I was looking to impress my girlfriend’s children.”

“And that worked?” she was surprised to hear that, tipping her head to the side so they could lock eyes with one another.

“Yeah. The team has been trying to get me to date since I lost Lucille. They thought I would play better if I had someone I was with,” Negan claimed, recalling what things were like over the last few years. “Hearing that I had a girlfriend, he immediately jumped on it.”

“So you’re telling the people you work with that I’m your girlfriend, huh?” she inquired, her eyebrows bouncing up in curiosity. Pressing her hand in over the center of his abdomen, she turned in closer to him and couldn’t help but smile. This was all starting to get very official between them.

“Well, you are,” Negan countered leaning down enough to nuzzle his nose in against hers. Depositing a faint kiss over her lips, Negan hummed and lifted his head back up to watch the children. Pointing to the camera that was hanging near Y/N’s chest from the strap, Negan tried to bring her attention to it. “You should be taking photos of them. They are gonna want that bragging material and since their mom takes good photos? Go for it.”

“Yes sir,” she tipped up on her toes to kiss Negan once more. Stepping away from Negan, she started using her camera that she brought to take photos of Peter and Elizabeth while they played. Noticing Negan’s silence, she looked back at him to see that he was eyeing over the stadium. Instead of having that excitement that Elizabeth and Peter had, there was a sadness lingering in his eyes. Snapping a few photos of him without him realizing, she knew that it had to be him thinking about this upcoming season being his last.

“They look like they are having fun,” an older voice called out to them causing them to look back to see the coach of the team approaching them. Moving in beside Negan, the man pat Negan on the shoulder and sighed loudly. Seeing Elizabeth and Peter running around seemed to impress the coach and he couldn’t help but smile. “I take it this means it was a success in impressing the girlfriend’s children?”

“You tell me,” Negan held his hand out to where Elizabeth and Peter were now tossing snow at each other from where the pitcher’s mound was. Y/N lowered the camera and moved in when Negan waved her forward. “Dale, this is my longest friend and my girlfriend, Y/N.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Dale outstretched his hand to take Y/N’s in his politely to introduce himself. “You have to be a very special one to finally land this one. I never thought I’d see the day when he’d get with anyone after he lost Lucille.”

“It’s still new,” Negan informed Dale with a whisper causing his eyes to bounce up. “But we’ve known each other most of our lives. We just lost contact for a while. We were best friends growing up.”

“Ah, so we can probably share secrets,” Dale teased Negan elbowing him in the ribs eliciting an uncomfortable laugh from Negan. Bringing his attention back to Y/N, it looked like Dale was searching for something to talk about with her to keep the conversation going. “I take it your children are fans?”

“Big fans,” she explained with a bright smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you after watching you on the screen for so long. Or out in those seats. I’m sure once Peter and Elizabeth realize you’re out here they will be excited to meet you too.”

“I’m not much,” Dale assured her, waving his free hand about. A hearty laugh fell from his throat and it was charming. The coach actually seemed like he was a pretty nice guy and that impressed her. “So…is this guy treating all of you good?”

Negan’s arm hooked loosely around Dale’s shoulders, his thick eyebrows bouncing up after Dale’s question.

“Very good. Negan is an amazing man,” she stressed knowing that Negan was beyond good to her. Clinging to her camera, she sighed loudly and shrugged her shoulders. “Do you two want a photo together?”

“He’ll break the camera, but it’s not a horrible idea,” Negan joked letting out a hiss when Dale elbowed him firmly in the ribs. Both of them laughed, pushing slightly at each other in a moment of fun. The two of them posed for one of the photos before Dale playfully shoved Negan away again.

“You’re a photographer, huh?” Dale was curious when he moved in beside Y/N to look at the photo of the two of them that she took. By the way he was squinting, it looked like Dale was having a hard time focusing on them. Putting his glasses on, he let out a long exhale when the photos became clearer. “Are you any good?”

“She’s very good. And she’s a great writer too,” Negan answered for Y/N, wanting to bring attention to her talents. It had color flooding into Y/N’s face, her eyes lifting from the camera to look up at Negan. “She always wanted to be a journalist when we were growing up. You’d be surprised just how talented she really is.”

“May I?” Dale pointed toward her camera. With a nod, she allowed him to take her camera to look through the photos she had taken. Truthfully? Over the last few years she had gotten self-conscious about the things that she had done. So having this stranger looking at her photos made her feel nervous. Especially since he was Negan’s boss in a way and the coach of a professional baseball team. Taking a moment to look away from the photos, Dale’s eyes looked over his glasses and he locked eyes with Negan. “Why aren’t you hooking her up with a job Negan?”

“I guess that’s a good question,” Negan snickered stepping forward to move in beside Y/N. Curling his arm around her waist, Negan gave her a firm squeeze. The way he smirked drew attention to his dimples and it sent a warmth throughout her body. “It’s one I will have to consider.”

“I have a job,” she alerted them, speaking up with Dale going back to looking at her photos. Maybe she shouldn’t have been so quick to say that. It was a job, but it wasn’t much of a job. She knew that it wasn’t one that would impress others.

“As a photographer? Or a writer?” Dale wondered, giving her his attention in that moment. It had her lips parting and she was considering telling him the truth. But? What would be the point of that? It wouldn’t impress him and it probably would have him thinking less of her. Negan was this famous baseball player. And what was she? So instead of giving him an official answer, she just shook her head and looked away from him. “Then why not use your boyfriend to get what you want in life? He’s got the connections. It’s the least he can do for you.”

“Truthfully? I just appreciate having him in my life,” she claimed, locking eyes with Negan who gave her a smirk. Winking, Negan extended his hand out to hook his fingers with hers firmly. “Just getting to be around him is helping me enjoy my life. I don’t need him to hook me up with something else. I just want to be near him. Negan has brought me a sense of happiness that I haven’t felt in a very long time.”

“Oh, I like this one,” Dale noted, pointing at her before lowering his head back down to look at the photos. A laugh fell from Dale’s lips when he turned the camera to show one of the photos that Y/N had taken of Negan in his black boxer briefs and his opened black button down on the first night they slept together. “Can’t keep your clothes on, can you?”

“Forgot to delete those,” she announced with a warmth flooding to her cheeks when she reached for the camera to politely take it back from Dale who was snickering. Looking to Negan, she lowered the camera down at her side and felt bad that she left those photos on the camera. “Sorry.”

“Oh, he’s not embarrassed,” Dale assured her with a wrinkle of his nose. Pointing to Negan, Dale snapped his fingers together as if he was trying to remember something. “I’ve seen worse from Negan. I was there for that photoshoot of yours that they had you do Negan. Remember that?”

“Ah! Yes! Dale here was perving,” Negan stated with a laugh, stepping in closer to Y/N after she hooked her camera back around her neck to let it rest against her chest. “Giving the photographer ideas for poses. Neither him nor I are shy.”

“This is very true,” Dale rubbed his hands together nodding his head back toward the building. “Do you have a minute to talk about something Negan?”

“Sure. Just let me get the children to come inside with us. I want them to see the locker room,” Negan motioned Dale to wait, looking back over his shoulder. “Liz! Pete! Do you two wanna meet the coach and see the locker room?”

“Fuck yes,” Peter blurt out excitedly eliciting a groan from Y/N with how her son had no filtering system right now. Both of her children ran back to introduce themselves to Dale. Small conversations came from it where it took a while for them to get back into the building, but when they did both Elizabeth and Peter seemed happy to see everything behind the scenes. “This is so cool Negan.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Negan found amusement in how eager both Elizabeth and Peter were to look at everything they could. This was a place he had gotten so used to over the years that he barely noticed the things that they did. They were just part of his environment, but for them? Everything was so new and exciting. “Come on, I’ll show you the clubhouse.”

Waving them to follow him, Negan led them into the area and over toward his player stall where his things were hanging, “This is where I spend a lot of my time, obviously.”

Peter dropped down into the seat that was in front of Negan’s area and spun around letting out an excited breath, “This is so cool.”

“Did you show them the batting cages?” Dale spoke up drawing their attention again with Negan shaking his head. “We have them here for training. I think before you leave you should take them there so they can play around a bit.”

“Sounds like a good idea,” Negan motioned Dale to a wait a minute with him turning to Y/N and the children. “You guys can look around. I need to talk to Dale about something real quick here.”

“Take your time,” Elizabeth was gazing over all of the players’ names that were over their individual cubby area, her eyes big while she read each one of them.

Snapping his fingers, Negan pointed at Peter and got him to raise his eyes from where he was looking, “Don’t steal anything, okay?”

“Hey! Why are you pointing at me?” Peter placed his hand in over the center of his chest like he was feigning being offended by what Negan was saying. With a wicked smirk, Negan’s eyes narrowed and Peter chuckled. “I swear, I won’t.”

“Good boy,” Negan winked, back stepping toward the office at the back of the room to go have a discussion with Dale.

Like her children, Y/N walked around the clubhouse, taking her time to admire what everything looked like. Out of the corner of her eye, Y/N could see that Peter was gazing over something that was on one of the benches.

“Hey!” she called out noticing that Peter looked like he was about to swipe it. “What did he just say?”

“I was just kidding!” Peter scoffed with his cheeks blushing over. Lowering it back down to where it was previously, Peter back stepped away and held his hands up in the air now that his mother’s eyes were locked on him. “Seriously mom.”

“I’m not taking my eyes off of you,” she declared, turning to face her son. When she did that she could hear the sounds of Negan and Dale talking through the crack of the door that was left open.

“I kind of need an answer kid,” Dale pushed causing Y/N to look over her shoulder to see that Negan was slouched over in the seat that was in front of Dale’s desk. His head was buried in his hand and Negan looked tense. “The owner is pushing for some kind of response from you. Everyone here wants you to take the offer. I want you to take the offer.”

“I don’t know yet,” Negan grunted, his head raising slowly with him throwing his hand out in the air. “You know I would prefer to play. This is a big decision for someone like me who was just meant to play.”

“I think everyone knows that you would prefer to play. You’re a God out there. You were destined for this shit kid. But we both know that if you have one more serious injury to your knee that you could be walking with a cane for the rest of your life. You’re testing your limits even playing a final season,” Dale reminded Negan who slid down further in the chair. Nervousness overcame him with Negan bouncing his good leg. “You will still be making the same kind of money. You know this sport just as much as I do. If not more. It’s my last year. It’s yours. We should end it right.”

“I really wanted some time to think it over,” Negan exhaled loudly, his eyebrows furrowing with the lines in his forehead growing.

“They’re going to pick someone else Negan if you don’t given them an answer soon,” Dale assured Negan, placing his hands over the top of the desk when he leaned forward to get closer to Negan. “What’s holding you back?”

“A few…things,” Negan swallowed down hard lifting his fingers to pinch at the bridge of his nose. Whatever they were talking about sounded serious and it made her wonder what it was. “Give me until New Years and I’ll have an answer for you.”

“I’ll try and get them to hold out until then,” Dale offered throwing his hands up in the air, confused as to why Negan seemed so uncomfortable. “I think you need to take this offer Negan. It’s the best for your future. It’s best for the team. This was the life you were destined for. The fans love you. The players love you. I think this is the best option for you.”

“Yeah,” Negan bit down on his bottom lip, humming to himself for a second. “Let’s say I answer yes, do you think they will do a few favors for me?”

“Like what?” Dale’s eyebrow arched in curiosity causing Negan to shrug. “If it’s within reason, I’m sure they would. They���ve already pulled so many strings for you as you know. When you wanted to take that time off to be with Lucille, a lot of people wouldn’t have gotten away with that.”

“And I’m thankful for everything they have done for me,” Negan placed his hand in over the center of his chest, patting where it was rested.

“Hey mom!” Peter was loud calling out to Y/N causing Negan to look toward the door. It had her stepping away with a nervous breath knowing that Negan had just caught her eavesdropping on the conversation. Great. She should have just minded her own business.

Shuffling over to Peter, she went to join him to see what he was calling her over for. A few minutes later Negan came back out drawing all of their attention as Dale followed him behind holding two baseballs in his hands that were in protective cases.  

“Come here,” Dale urged the children forward noticing the way their eyes got big when they saw the baseballs were covered in signatures. “Now I usually save these for auctions to make some money for things, but since Negan here says the two of you are such big fans, I thought you might be interested in having these. Just don’t tell anyone how you got them. Or if you do tell them, say this guy got them for you.”

“Seriously?” Peter was thrilled, reaching out to grab the case to look over the ball that was inside. “You’re giving this to us?”

“Do you like it?” Dale was curious and it had Peter nodding immediately. “Then yes. It’s a gift.”

“Thank you so much,” Peter turned to Y/N to show his mother the ball causing her to laugh at how excited he got.

“Here you are,” Dale held the second one out to Elizabeth who gazed between Dale and Negan.

“This is so nice,” Elizabeth finally accepted the ball having her eyes gazing over it with adoration. “Why give us this? We didn’t do anything to deserve it. And I’m sure these cost a ton. Wouldn’t they be better off with someone else? Why us?”

That question got Peter to glare out at Elizabeth making it obvious that he wasn’t ready to give it back after he was gifted it.  

“Why not you?” Negan stammered back, his eyes narrowing when she lifted her head to look at him. “At least we know it’s going to two people that are going to cherish it for the rest of their lives, right? They aren’t going to try to sell it to make a profit.”

“Totally!” Peter answered before Elizabeth could and he eagerly jumped forward to hug Dale. It had the older man gasping out, then letting out a big belly laugh at the excitement from Y/N’s younger son. “Thank you!”

“You remind me of my grandson,” Dale explained with another hearty laugh. Peter pulled back, looking up at Dale with a big cheesy smile. “I like you.”

“At least someone does,” Elizabeth piped in, teasing her brother eliciting an angered breath to fall from him when Peter stepped away from Dale. Reaching out with her free hand that wasn’t holding the ball, she playfully ruffled Peter’s dark hair.

“You two want to see the batting cages?” Dale inquired getting both Elizabeth and Peter to nod. “Follow me then…”

Instead of following Dale, Negan remained standing in the middle of the clubhouse and it made Elizabeth stop, “Are you coming?”

“I want to show your mom something real quick. We’ll be right there,” Negan winked, pushing his hands into his pockets. Dale led the children toward the door and it had Y/N’s head tipping in curiosity.

“You trust him with the children?” Y/N wondered looking back toward the door to see that they were gone.

“I trust that man with my life. He’s a good man,” Negan assured her, moving around Y/N to close the door so they had a moment alone. Having him do that made her nervous. Was this because he had seen that she was eavesdropping? “I need to ask you something.”

“If this is about what I heard, I swear I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop on purpose,” she stammered immediately having Negan’s eyebrows bounce up in amusement. Throwing her hands up, she tried to think of a good excuse, there just wasn’t one. “It’s just…I heard you two talking and I kept listening to it. I know it was wrong, but…”

“I don’t mind,” Negan hushed her, holding his hand up to stop her from continuing. Once again he appeared to be amused with her instead of upset over what happened. “This has nothing to do with that. I just want to ask you something kind of important.”

“Alright,” she felt awkward with Negan stepping in closer to her, towering over her.

“I know you said that you don’t mind all the baggage that comes with being my girlfriend,” Negan started, tipping his head from side to side. Dragging his hand up over her arm, Negan stopped at her shoulder to give it a firm squeeze. “But with this being my last season, I’m going to have a lot of paparazzi, reporters and fans around. All the time. I need to know that you are okay with that. People might start trying to get into your personal life. It will probably be short lived, but people are…intense. I need to know that you will be okay with that.”

“What exactly are you expecting?” she outstretched her hands to caress in over Negan’s arms hearing him breathing loudly. “Are you going to dump me if I have a certain answer?”

“God, no,” Negan shook his head, refusing the idea of that. “It’s just, I really want to be with you. I want us to try something here and give it a chance. But I know my life is hard. Lucille hated it. A lot. At first she thought it was cute, but people suck sometimes and they will get in our business. Even if we try to be private. It can be overwhelming.”

“I’m not with you because you’re a celebrity Negan,” she reminded him, it had Negan nodding his head about sucking in a sharp breath of air. “I’m with you because you make me smile. You make me happy. You bring a lot of happiness to my children. And it’s only been a few weeks. You could be a celebrity. You could be poor. I don’t care because all I want to do is be near you. I don’t care what comes with it. As long as I’m with you? That’s all that matters to me.”

“I love you,” Negan breathed in a low rumble of a voice causing her heart to hammer in her chest. Sweeping his index finger in underneath her chin, Negan tipped her head back and lowered down slowly. Clearly he liked her answer. “So much.”

Bringing their lips together in a passionate sweep, Negan hummed against her lips when she braced her hands against his chest to balance herself. Palming down over the center of Negan’s chest had him smiling when he broke the kiss.

“You have no idea how much I’m in awe of you,” she insisted, stroking her fingers over the side of his face. It impressed her the man that Negan was considering where he was in his life. There were a lot of things that could have made him a horrible person, but he wasn’t. At least not with her or her family. Taking a look around, she swallowed down and bit down on her bottom lip. “Are there cameras in here?”

“I…what?” Negan snickered, the bridge of his nose wrinkling in curiosity since that was a very random question to be asking him. Nodding her head about, she waited for and answer and he gazed back over his shoulder. “I mean, considering the teams gets naked in this room, not really…”

“Good,” she bit down on her bottom lip reaching her hand out to hook her fingers into the waistband of Negan’s black jeans getting him to stumble forward in closer to her. Tugging firmly on his belt had his lips parting with his eyebrows bouncing up in curiosity. “You deserve the world, you know that?”

“Hey,” Negan rumbled while she pulled apart the belt in his pants. Grunting, Negan realized she wasn’t gentle about the way that she was pulling apart the material of his pants. Fluttering his eyes to a close, Negan felt her dipping her hand beneath his pants to palm over his manhood through the material of his boxer briefs. Cupping her face in his large hands, Negan got her attention back on him and he shook his head. “I have the world right here in my hands.”

“Fuck,” she slurred out, her eyes locking with his. Hearing him say that took her breath away. With him saying that, she actually believed that. It had been a long time since she had felt that from anyone. Meeting Negan’s lips in a desperate kiss had him wrapping her up in his arms. There was something in the way that Negan looked at her and kissed her that made her feel like the only person that mattered in the world. “Everything about you is perfect.”

“Not everything,” Negan mused against her lips, his words vibrating against her flesh. Again her hands tugged at his pants getting them further open with her pushing down the front of his boxer briefs to get his semi-erect manhood in her palm to caress over it in slow, firm strokes.

“You have such a nice cock,” she commented eliciting a wicked smirk from Negan who lowered his head to watch her touching him. “I can’t believe I didn’t jump on it sooner.”

“To be fair, you tried. Many times,” Negan reminded her, sweeping his thumb over her bottom lip. Growling out with her lips sucking at the tip of his thumb, Negan’s long eyelashes fluttered to a close. “The world just didn’t want it to happen.”

“Completely unfair,” she gave Negan one final kiss before carefully lowering down to her knees. Stroking over his body, she enjoyed watching his reactions to her touching him. Negan was a very verbal and visual lover. If he liked something, he let you know. Sure, he could still be cocky at times, but he wasn’t afraid to show you what he liked. Pressing faint kisses against the tip of his manhood had him licking his lips with his fingers loosely curling around the back of her head. Each kiss grew in wetness having Negan breathing heavily before her stroking his free hand against the side of her face while she pampered his body.

“So good,” Negan grunted with her wet kisses that had the warmth of her tongue dragging out against the sensitive tip. Starting to take the tip between her lips, she swirled her tongue around his body having his muscles in his ass and thighs flexing drawing him forward toward her. Humming against his flesh, every bob of her head she allowed more of him into the damp heat of her mouth. Dragging her tongue along the underside of his shaft with every pull back had him moaning out. Taking her time to vary between giving him a blowjob along with pressing hot, sloppy kisses against the head had him bucking his hips up toward her. Having her starting to take him back further in her throat had Negan biting down on his bottom lip firmly trying to hold back the sounds he wanted to make. “Enough.”

Urging her from his body with a wet popping sound had her staring up at him with her big eyes waiting for what it was that he wanted. With her lips shimmering and her breathing heavy, Negan leaned down to hook his arms around her to get her up to her feet.

“Everything okay?” she licked her lips, letting out a surprised sound with Negan turning her to face the wall. Bracing her hands against the wall, her eyes closed tightly with Negan swiftly pulling at the back of her pants to get the material down over her bottom. Hooking his left arm around her hips, Negan pulled her flush back against him having her whimper with the warmth of him pressing against her flesh. Faint kisses were being pressed at her neck with Negan using his free hand to reach between them to lead his body into hers. Gasping out, her eyes closed at the stretching sensation she felt and she hummed out. Tipping her head back giving Negan better access to her neck and her jawline with his moan vibrating against her flesh.

“Fuck,” Negan winced, his right hand reaching up to hook his fingers with hers. Starting with slow, steady thrusts, Negan nuzzled his nose in against the side of her neck sporadically pressing kisses against her skin.

Closing her eyes, she tried to stifle her moans with every forward thrust he made against her with his hips bucking up against her bottom. Squeezing her fingers tighter around his, she knew that they were stepping into dangerous territory considering where they were, but it was a moment where he truly had her swooning over him.

“You mean everything to me,” Negan grunted, nipping at her jawline drawing a cry from her parted lips. “I would do anything for you. I hope you know that.”

Reaching back with her left hand, she curled her hand around his body to urge his movements to go faster. Winces filled the clubhouse with her starting to meet his thrusts, bouncing her hips back against his leaving a smacking sound filling the air.

“Fuck,” Negan moaned, doing his best to stay quiet with her movements determined against his. A whine fell from her when he pulled his hips back leaving her with an empty feeling. A moment later, she was being turned so that he could press her back against the wall. Breathlessly, Negan stepped forward and curled his fingers around her wrists to press them back against the wall firmly. Hovering his lips over hers had her whimpering involuntarily wanting him to kiss her. “You are fucking beautiful.”

“So are you,” she tipped up, dragging her lips over his having him smile against her lips. “We need to make this quick because the last thing we need is the three of them coming back looking for us.”

“Yes ma’am,” Negan hummed, finally bringing their lips together giving her what she wanted. Working her pants further down her legs, Negan adjusted his position. Adjusting her wrists, he made sure to clasp them in one hand while his other hand reached down to grab a firm hold of his erection. Breaking the kiss to look down between them, Negan teased the swollen tip of his cock over her clitoris having her arch her hips forward toward him. “You’re something else. Y’know that?”

“And you’re teasing me,” she frowned letting out a gasp. Leading his length back between her thighs, it had her head tipping back when he sank into her. Having her thighs close together made it a tighter fit and it had Negan moaning out immediately. Pressing his forehead to hers, Negan started thrusting into her again and again working to get them both to a release. Whimpering out, she did her best to wiggle at her wrists wanting to touch Negan, but he was keeping her where she was. There was some force being squeeze at her hips helping to aide her hips forward and backward with him fucking her face to face. Lowering her head, she watched his lengthy cock thrusting into her time and time again with her muted cries falling from her throat. “Holy shit.”

“Too much?” Negan started slowing down his thrusts which caused her to immediately shake her head begging him to keep moving. Dropping his head back drew attention to the prominent vein at the side of Negan’s neck that was bulging with her gasps growing louder with every movement he made inside of her.

“Let me finish,” she begged knowing that while she enjoyed this position, there was a position that she wanted to try in here. Stepping back allowed his length to pull from her body with his cock bouncing. Allowing her hands to drop at her sides, she shakily led Negan over toward the seat in front of his locker area. Shoving him into the seat let her look him over and it was so attractive with the way he was staring at her. Turning her back to him, she carefully moved in over him balancing her hands on his hairy thighs. Helping her lower herself down over his swollen erection had her whimpering out with the sensation of him filling her again. “That’s good.”

“You’re so wet,” Negan slurred against her earlobe, his right arm hooking around her hips to help aid her movements while she bounced herself over Negan’s cock leaving a wet smacking sound to fill the clubhouse. Hearing her cries getting louder, Negan knew she was reaching that point where she was right on the verge of orgasming.

“Fuck,” she panted, dropping her head back against Negan’s shoulder having him kissing in over her jawline when she took all of him into her. Simply circling her hips in small motions had him moaning against her flesh and it sent chills throughout her body. Knowing that they had to quicken this, she went back to rolling her hips firmly over Negan which had him moaning out. Almost knowing that she was right on the verge, Negan reached around with his other hand to circle her sensitive bundle of nerves with his rough fingertips. “Negan…”

“That’s it,” Negan growled, tugging at her earlobe with his teeth with the sensation of her warmth contracting around his cock. Breathlessly she continued to move her hips over him, not allowing herself that moment of pure ecstasy with her eagerly trying to get him to reach his orgasm. Wincing, Negan felt his body tensing up, his member starting to throb and twitch inside of her. Her movements slowed down with the warmth of his release filling her. Her fingers were digging so hard into his thighs at this point that he was certain she’d leave a mark, but he was okay with it.

Shakily pulling her hips up had her whole body trembling and Negan helped her carefully raise to her feet. Turning her to him, he peppered her with loving kisses before reaching down to pull his pants back up over his hips.

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Negan picked her up in his arms surprising her with just how strong he appeared to be when he took her to sit on one of the sinks in the bathroom. Cleaning her up, she couldn’t help but be impressed with him and the way that he took care of her. Once he was done, he helped her pull her pants back up her legs and pampered her with a few more kisses. “Will you be okay for a minute? I probably need to clean up my area just in case we got some body fluids in places they aren’t meant to be.”

“I’ll be fine,” she assured him with a smirk, playfully reaching out to smack his ass. It had him stopping and looking back at her with an amused expression. “I can’t help it, you put it in front of me and I’m going to react.”

“I’ll remember that,” Negan chuckled, leaving her alone to herself. Squeezing her fingers around the sink, she took notice of how her legs were still tremoring. It was certainly a different experience having sex with Negan in a very public place like this. Sure, when she was younger she had sex with Joel many times in a locker room, but they were still young. It had been a very long time since she had ever done something like that. Great. There she was thinking about Joel again. That seemed to be happening all the time no matter how often she tried to get herself to stop doing that. Footsteps entered the room making her lift her eyes up to see Negan rubbing his hands together. “All clean. You wanna go check on the kids?”

“You might have to hold me up. My legs feel like Jello,” she declared having a wolfish smile expand over his lips. With a single nod, Negan moved in beside her to wrap his arm around her mid-section, helping to brace her against him.

Walking unhurriedly with Negan, they went to where Dale was allowing both the children to take turns with the batting cage so they could watch each other. After a few tries, they asked Negan to do it so they could see him do his work in person. By then she could brace her weight on her legs and she let him go. It was kind of amazing how strong Negan really was. Every hit that collided surrounded them with a booming sound with the baseball hitting the metal with a firm thud. If Negan didn’t have a bad knee, she was certain that he still had plenty of years still left in him to play the sport.

After Dale announced that he had to leave, they stopped at the batting cages. Finalizing things, Negan gave them a quick tour of the places they hadn’t seen yet. Negan promised that he would bring them back during the season and then they left.

Inside the car, she listened to the children excitedly talk about what just happened along with calling a few of their friends. This was a big deal for them and she knew that. So she allowed them to have that moment. Before they got to Negan’s apartment, Negan picked up some pizzas for them. When they pulled up to the building that she assumed Negan’s apartment was at it actually gave her a sense of anxiety. It was high end. Very high end. In the expensive part of the city and in a way she felt like she didn’t belong there. Having Negan taking them up on the elevator had the children excited to know that Negan had the whole top floor to himself.

“Holy shit,” Peter walked off the elevator, stopping in his tracks with Negan walking off into the apartment like it wasn’t a big deal. Surprise flooded her veins at the sight of Negan’s apartment. It had had a high ceiling, with large glass panels to serve as full length windows to stare out at the city. It was the twenty-sixth floor so they were high up enough as it was. Looking at both her children, they were just as shocked as she was. “This is fucking huge.”

“This time, I agree with him,” Elizabeth noted with Y/N stroking her fingers over the top of Peter’s head. Walking around the corner, Negan stopped in his tracks throwing his hands up motioning for them to follow him further into the apartment. “This is your home?”

“For part of the year. I have this, a small waterfront property and then a home that my late wife wanted really bad. It’s a lot of land in the middle of nowhere. That’s probably my biggest place and the home I spend the most time at,” Negan informed them waving them to start moving with him toward the kitchen area of the apartment. He had a dining room area and a few stools that were lined up along the side of an island which is where they all took a seat.

“And by small, what do you mean exactly?” Elizabeth was curious because small obviously meant something very different to her than it did Negan. “Like bigger or smaller than my mom’s home?”

“Smaller. It’s just one floor. I don’t need much when I’m by the water. Give me a seat, sit me down next to the ocean and I’m in my happy place,” Negan explained, handing out the pizza, but he noticed that everyone was eyeballing every part of his apartment.

There was a large sectional couch in the living room area with a gigantic television. In the distance they could see that there was a door open to an entertainment area that Peter was desperately trying to wiggle back and forth on his stool to get a look at.

“Before you break one of your bones by falling, go on. Go look,” Negan instructed Peter who eagerly shot up from the stool to run across Negan’s apartment to go take a look at everything that was inside. There were multiple arcade games, a ping pong table, a pool table and a video gaming area off in the far corner.

Elizabeth joined in beside Peter at the door finding herself amazed with Negan’s set up as well, “This is insane.”

“You should see the balcony,” Negan grumbled with a mouthful of pizza, pointing off in the direction where they could go out onto the balcony. Scrambling to go look had Negan chuckling and Y/N could tell that her children were no longer interested in pizza. “Well at least they are having fun.”

“Sure,” Y/N didn’t know what to say with Negan polishing off his first piece of pizza and reaching for another. “Negan, you are…fucking loaded.”

There was a silence between them with the chews of Negan slowing down. His hazel eyes seemed uncomfortable with his thick eyebrows bouncing up, “Is that a bad thing?”

“No, I just…” she felt stupid considering she knew that he was a famous baseball player that was the main draw of the team that he was currently on. Especially now that he announced his early retirement from his injury. “I just think about the house you rented back at home and you…”

“This isn’t me…” Negan threw his hand up in the air looking around at the place. “I mean yes, I really like the view from the balcony, the game room is totally me and the bedroom is mostly me. But I didn’t need something this big. They just persuaded me to get this apartment so I could do some kind of special for a magazine.”

“Elizabeth probably has that around somewhere,” she attempted to make a joke knowing that she was actually uncomfortable being here and it was hard to explain or even think, but she was. “You have three homes?”

“For now,” Negan answered her with a slow nod of his head. “Sometimes I need a change of scenery so it’s nice having the three of them, but I think when I’m done playing I will probably sell this apartment. It’s lonely here anyways. I don’t like how cold everything feels here. This is just the place that I would have interviews at. Photoshoots. Lucille decorated the other two homes to feel homey and they are much more comfortable.”

“I bet you brought a lot of women back here to get laid,” she commented having Negan swallowing hard and lowering his pizza to give her an awkward glance. “I’m sorry. I’m just saying you bringing anyone here would probably have someone immediately wanting to have sex with you.”

“Is everything okay?” Negan inquired, pushing his plate slightly forward having her let out a tremoring breath.

“Mom!” Elizabeth called out to her mother, waving her hand to have Y/N come out with them to see the view. “This is amazing. You have to come see this. It’s crazy.”

Getting up slowly from her seat, Y/N noticed the way that Negan seemed tense when she walked away to join the children out on the oversize balcony that overlooked the city. It was near sunset so the light was hitting the skyline a certain way that had light reflecting and it looked absolutely beautiful being there.

Out of the corner of her eye, Y/N could see that Negan came out onto the balcony with them and was leaning back against the glass paneling watching them with his arms folded out in front of his chest. Both children flooded Negan with questions about this apartment which Negan happily responded to. After all the questions, they went back to eat their food and then had Negan give them a tour around his apartment. Negan set the children up with the rooms that they were going to be staying in and toward the end of the night the children were in the game room while she was sitting out on the balcony with Negan. It was dark outside with the lights of the city drawing her attention.

“So…” Negan breathed out cuddling his nose in against the side of her neck having her laying in his arms in the lounge chair they were sitting on. “Are you ever gonna tell me what’s going on? Or am I gonna have to guess?”

“It’s complicated,” she explained to him feeling guilty that she had immediately shut down when she entered Negan’s apartment. “I was poor most of my life Negan. Even now, I’m just keeping my head over water. And then I come here and I’ve never felt like I didn’t belong somewhere more.”

“That’s silly. You’re always welcome in my home,” Negan assured her letting out a disappointed breath when she turned to face him, her eyes full of worry. “I don’t care about money. Or this whole status idea that people put on things. You and I grew up in the same place.”

“Yeah, but I can see the headlines now. Negan Smith hooks up with a gold-digging gutter slut,” she caused Negan to choke with how she vented about things.

“If someone says that about you I will happily fucking knock them on their pathetic asses for saying something so fucking stupid,” Negan suggested reaching out to hook his fingers with hers, bringing her hands up to pepper kisses over the backs of them. “You’re not a gold digger. I know that.”

“I don’t belong in a place like this Negan. You should be with someone…” she began feeling very down on herself, but Negan curled his finger in underneath her chin to get her to look at him. “I’m a nobody, Negan.”

“You’re very much a somebody,” Negan huffed out, sliding in closer to her to sweep his fingers over the side of her face drawing her closer to him. “In fact, you’re one of the only people I give a fuck about in this world. So you’re one of the most important people in the world for me.”

“Negan,” she frowned knowing that he was really stressing how special she was and with him palming in over the side of her face it had her leaning into his touch. Closing her eyes, she enjoyed the way his fingers sank around the back of her neck to sweep at her skin. “You’re one thing.”

“I’m the only thing that matters,” Negan cut her off before she could let her thoughts linger any further about things when it came to money. “This was the life that you wanted. Isn’t it? To live in the city, be a famous journalist and focus on your skills in photography? What makes you believe you don’t deserve this life?”

“The last thirty plus years?” she suggested with a frown hearing Negan snort and let out a long sigh. “I’m trash Negan.”

“If anyone else was saying that about you, I’d knock them on their ass,” Negan retorted with a scoff, hating to hear that she was talking about herself like that. “You’re not that. At all. You’re special. You’ve made a good life for yourself and your home is very nice. You just had a stone thrown in your river and it changed the direction you wanted life to go, but that doesn’t make you any less special. Y’know?”

Staying silent, Y/N wasn’t exactly sure what to say to Negan. Getting up from the chair, Negan held his hand out to her. Accepting it, Negan pulled her up to her feet and led her over to the edge of the balcony. Outstretching his hands, Negan held onto the railing while standing behind her allowing her to look out at the city.

“If anyone deserves a life like this, it’s you,” Negan informed her with a long exhale, depositing faint kisses over the side of her face with her leaning back into his warmth. “You’re hard working. You’re a good mom. You’re a good person. You’ve gone through a lot of shit. Stop thinking the worst about yourself and for once realize that you deserve good shit in your life. Allow yourself a fucking break. Because if you don’t give yourself one? No one else is gonna.”

----

Tags: @chainsawsangel @fancypeacepersona @violent-darkness @negansbestie @elegantfanficluv

@sanctuaryforthelost @dead-of-niight @dilfsandmartinis @jennydehavilland

[asarigg]

I just wanna talk about how Aoba would navigate having DID...and how he would do it in regards to like Koujaku..and you're a like-minded individual 💪😼. Anyways anyways, in all seriousness I do headcanon Aoba has having DID. I'm pretty sure Sly is an alter (and that's another reason why he does go by Sly), and Shiroba could be an alter but I haven't thought about it all too much. I think in a domestic situation Aoba would have to learn to get along with Sly and not like surprise him or whatever because that would definitely make it worse. And while I think Sly got them into a lot of trouble during their teen years, I also see him as sort of the protector of them and of Aoba. I think that Aoba experienced a lot of trauma during his childhood and created Sly, but Aoba was not aware of Sly as an Alter until much much later in his life when he finds out he has scrap. I don't really have a theory yet for why Sly fronted for most of Aoba's teen years but I'm working on it. But I know that whenever Aoba got into his "accident" it kinda threatened Sly a little bit so he backed off of Aoba and just kinda let him be.

As for why I think he also acts a protector depending on the way you look at Sly, is for parts in the game where he fronts. Specifically during Mink's route, when Sly shows up I believe it was a way of protecting Aoba from experienceing further trauma. Sly did not want him to get anything negative from that situation. I do wish we got to see more of Sly in a less-violent light because I genuinely do believe he serves an important role in Aoba's life.

I think once Aoba becomes aware of Sly, he realizes that they need to learn to navigate life together because Sly isn't going anywhere. So this is where his life with Koujaku comes in...hear me out hear me out. I think that like sometimes while the two of them were going about life Sly just starts fronting sometimes and I think he likes to playfully tease Koujaku and just like messes around with him; not in a bad way but in an endearing way. I thinkSly gets jealous of Aoba sometimes, especially when he sees him getting positive attention from Koujaku. And on the other hand, I think Koujaku would originally have a hard time kinda getting along with Sly but after a while he becomes okay with him and realizes that if he truly loves Aoba he's gonna have to accept that Sly is always going to be a part of him.

This part is just kinda fluff but I think after Sly gets to know Koujaku, he's super lovey-dovey with him while he's fronting. So like he'll like to cuddle Koujaku and give him hugs and even pecks on the cheek; he also play's with Koujaku's hair a lot. I think Sly finds Koujaku's tattoos to be very interesting and likes to admire them a lot. I think that's all I have at the moment. Thanks for coming to Yap session.

I pretty much agree with almost everything you said haha

I don't know much much about DID but I've always seen Sly as the protector because like you said he always appears when Aoba's in trouble. Not only being physically attacked but also when he's mentally exhausted as we see in his adolescence and in Koujaku's bad ending. Aoba had experienced loneliness and abandonment twice already at the church, then his parents leaving him, so watching Koujaku go probably provoked him a substantial amount of anxiety and restlessness knowing what it meant and was scared of going back to those feelings. Mixed with actually being lonely, it was basically the cherry on top, making his mind step back to "rest" and Sly taking control because someone had to. Kinda funny that low key Koujaku provoked both of them? lol

I feel like the image people usually have of him, specially if they don't play the true route, makes them think that he comes out when there's violence because he likes it. Which, like, he does, but he doesn't take control because of that, he's just protecting Aoba. Makes me wonder why wouldn't he do the same when Aoba gets kidnapped by Vitrip, other than for the sake of kink I can only think that it would be giving them what they want I guess. It's not like they aren't satisfied anyway so it's ass regardless.

It's really nice to think about Aoba realizing that and coming at peace with Sly. I guess he has two protectors, Sly protects him from outsiders, and Ren protects him from himself. And ABSOLUTELY, I wish we had more of Sly ugh 😭😭

I'm always thinking about all the possibilities on how would Sly behave and interact with Aoba and Koujaku in the good ending and I'm always changing stuff, but as you mentioned him messing with Koujaku and being jealous gets in the mix almost every time. I feel like he'd have a lot of trouble confronting his feelings towards Koujaku and not being able to accept them, specially considering that when he gets to control their body it's mostly in a violent environment, so when he meets Koujaku's tenderness it creates conflict. I've always seen the "them not getting along" in the beginning coming mostly from this, so I think it would be more of a Sly causing trouble thing, although I have to confess sometimes I have trouble with this. As a Slyjaku soldier when I read Slyjaku fics in the trenches many times this conflict was written as some really aggressive interaction based on how much Koujaku would hate him for not being sweet and istg *turns around and cries*. The game's writing didn't do the greatest job and it's so widespread that Koujaku gets angry easily when in reality it was mostly for Aoba's well being.

Considering the advances he does with his trauma throughout their relationship and what he says about "loving Sly" when Aoba "mentions" him he'd have a much better reaction to him. I feel like after the initial shock of knowing that the "arrogant and violent" personality Aoba was talking about was actually a real thing he'd try to get to know him, but he doesn't really know what to act like in front of him because he gets mixed reactions from Sly. He'd give him space to express himself and have time to open up, because it seems like Sly rejects his friendlier advances. He ultimately understands him as a different person so maybe Sly doesn't really want to be with him.

Sly on the other hand was kind of already there (?) when they met so he does have memories of him. I wonder if he'd blame him somehow for leaving. If, like Aoba, he had feelings for him deep down for longer than he'd like to admit. So living a tender, comfortable life makes him feel weird, not having to fight someone for once is weird, he isn't used to it, so he rejects it. Something in him wants it, another doesn't, so his reaction towards it is a mix of both as well. He wants Koujaku's love, he needs it, but he feels like it's fake, that he doesn't deserve it, it isn't for him. Even tho it's his distorted vision, maybe Koujaku's forcing it, but doesn't really feel it, because when he sees the way he acts with Aoba it's completely different. To him Koujaku's always been there, but he just met Sly so of course he's more distant. Anyway I think I'm talking too much and I'm losing track of what I'm writing to be honest.

I have a small hc about Sly and Koujaku's tattoos. Aoba kisses his tattoos and scars to try heal his wounds and his memories because he doesn't want Koujaku to suffer. I like to think that when Sly looks at them instead of feeling sorry for him like Aoba does, the thought that runs around his head is mostly just annoyance about the idea that Koujaku might think about someone else that is not him. So Aoba kisses them to make Koujaku think of his caresses instead of the pain, and Sly would do some Sly thing like disgustingly licking them or biting them so when he sees his tattoos he thinks of him instead of literally anything else because the only thing that should be filling his thoughts is Sly ☝ or something like that

[propertyofwhitney67]

How would cat LIs behave when they getting a bath, dry and trim their claws? they still getting treat after grooming

Fucking chaos

Whitney fucking hates having all this done and fights every step of the way. He angrily takes the treat and avoids you for a few days

Kylar also hates it, there's a lot of screaming, crying, and begging. The treat does make him happy but he's still a bit weary

Robin heavily dislikes this and has a frown on his face the whole time. The treat is the only good part of all of this.

P!Sydney loves a good grooming but doesn't like his nails being messed with. He will yowl a bit but it's over relatively quickly and he gets his treat

C!Sydney has a frown but doesn't fight like some people. He yowls a little bit when it comes to his nails but that's it. His face says he wants more treats but he takes what he gets and leaves.

Alex is very vocal the whole time and gets squirmy, just wanting to get this over with already. He takes his treat and leaves to take a nap.

Avery loves a good grooming but hates being handled so much so there is a bit of yowling. He will demand more treats

Eden hides and you can't get him out or sometimes even find him, but he needs this bath and grooming goddammit. He is thoroughly pissed the whole time and lets that be known. He doesn't even take the treat bc he's so mad.

[luluvs99]

Hey, so... I have a little wip for you @dead-dolphins and I'm so nervous bc this is the first time IN MY LIFE that I'm showing someone else what i write, but bc i love you so much, I'll let you be the first one. this is a little sneak peek so don't wait too much but be free to judge!!! it will help!

“You sound so determined about your goal,” he said, getting closer.

This time, he didn't grab her hand. He did something worse. He invaded her personal space and grabbed her waist in his hands, his mouth found her left ear. She could feel his breath warming her cheek and if it wasn't because he was holding her and because they were still surrounded by people, she would've embarrassed herself by falling on her knees in front of him.

But he was so close now, their chests an inch of air separated and she could smell his masculine perfume evolving her, making her wet and ready for him.

“I wouldn't mind making an exception for you,” he purred into her ear.

When he let go of her and put a decent distance between them again, she was blushing so hard her cheeks were actually burning. She felt hot and bothered and here he was in front of her, looking smug and pleased with himself.

But he had to know that Mikasa Ackerman was not a person who stepped back from challenges. In fact, she was the hunter here, and he's always been her prey, since the first moment she saw him taking his place on that podium.

So she smiled at him, wide this time.

“I'd love to take the opportunity, Mr. Jeager. I'm looking forward to the things you could teach me.”

“I'd love to teach you a lot of things, Ms. Ackerman. If you'd like it, we could meet after this is over and discuss where we can meet so I can give you those private lessons you want.”

“I'll be around here, so when you finish this we can go to a more private place.”

His eyes darkened after hearing her words, but of course, he nodded.

“I'll look for you, then. It was a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Ackerman.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Jeager.”

An hour later and after a cup of red wine, he was fucking her on his bed in the hotel suit he was staying for the weekend. When the both of them stopped pretending they were interested in talking about international business.

Their tongues were occupied with something more entertaining anyway.

smut will come later, but I'll show you that when it's finished, it would be horrible btw just so you know lol

[arcane-ish]

I don't think that "we were interested in those characters (ie [my guess] Caitlyn, Jinx, Warwick, Viktor)" implies "we don't think Vi is interesting".

My suspicion is more that they saw it "Vi got her turn and now we also want to do those other characters".

Take Silco for example. My guess is that they enjoyed writing him, but they felt that his story came to a natural and so they killed him and didn't feature him a ton in season 2. They had gotten what they wanted out of him. Silco fans clearly felt very differently. But in the end, it is their call to make.

Writers will always make decisions about who gets screentime and hero moments and badass lines. Them making Vi the character with the most focus in season 1 in itself is a favoritism choice because from an IP point of view, all these charactres are pre-existing and there is no practical reason to make Vi the point of view character of season 1 when in game is is equal to Caitlyn and to Ekko and to Viktor and to Bliktzcrank and to Camille and to 100 characters that didn't make it into the show.

They chose her because they like her (favoritism) and because they had potential. But they also like other charactres and see potential in other stories.

. If Vi is not interesting for you to explain to us more then why did you make us attached to her?

I find that an approach I can't get behind. The same logic could be used by the Silco fans to argue "you made us love Silco now you HAVE to make season 2 completely about him". What if fans have decided they have attached to Heimerdinger or to I dunno, the SevikaxSalo pairing and now the writers OWE them. (also worth nothing, it seems season 2 was written in 2019? before Arcane ever aired to the general public)

In the end to some extent it is normal that the writers want to make you care about all the characters, but they will make calls about what to focus on.

Don't get me wrong, I DEEPLY dislike many of their decisions. I for example DEEPLY think that doing the whole Viktor glorious evolution stuff and making it the main threat of Act 3 was a strategic mistake.

But at the same time, reading/listening to the interviews I understand that it's a story he really wanted to tell and it's one the artists put tons of creative effort in and some fans are into it and others (like me) aren't.

In the end, they get to have artistic freedom. (and I'm glad that he's at least smart enough to want to step away and have the next stories handled by other people)

they made her a dumbass character who only understands fighting,

That's not the vibe I got from season 2. I see a lot of traces of Vi having good instincts about people (ie following Singed, Remi's people). Act 1 seemed to be about the moral instincts vis a vis Cait.

Amanda Overton did an interview from which I got "We wanted to explore who Vi is if you take everything away from her/we see Vi's fundamental trait as being a protector and we wanted to explore who she is if she no longer has anybody to protect". To which I say ... okay... but it feels like the answer you came up with is something like "a shellshocked self destructive traumatized husk"?

I genuinely don't think that it's that much of a problem that they made Vi so heavily about physical fighting... it's that they did that and THEN made her fighting pretty useless? I wrote a lenthy analysis of the finale battle and I genuinely think that if Vi had gotten to be more heroic and successful, even just in a pure physical sense we would have walked away feeling a lot better about Vi. At least superficial satisfaction for "she's a figther and being a fighter is important and valuable and essential to this world".

Caitlyn and Ekko do heroic moves in the battle because of their smarts and their iron hard determination. Jinx and Jayce do heroic moves by reaching out to the baddie and doing heroic sacrifice. And what does Vi do?

I think it's one thing that let's say Vi fans wanted deep hurt-comfort exploration of Vi's trauma. I would say that was always unlikely to happen (I feel the same way when I see people the bemoan that the show wasn't about Zaun crushing Piltover in the dirt of Mel fans saying they wish the show had been only about schemes and politics and not action fighting). But imo they failed Vi even within the story they gave her.

I genuinely think Vi's story would have "rolled off the tongue" better if she had been down there with Caitlyn fighting back to back against Ambessa instead of Mel. Or if it had been her instead of Ekko smashing Viktor's mask.

Of it the show ended up on Vi finding the evidence that Jinx might still alive and not Caitlyn. (signalling = oh, Vi smart)

Or if the show had ended on episode 8. If it would have felt that the conclusion of her story is "okay, if you strip her of everthing, then Vi will choose life, symbolized by her having sex with Caitlyn". But instead we have:

1.) a whole episode where Vi does barely anything except watch in horror as other people die (after we already had that sort of in the Act 2 finale too)

2.) the looming idea that Jinx might be alive and okay ... so how would Vi feel about that? It leaves her story feeling unfinished in a particularly unsatifying way

(I compare that to Ekko for example, Ekko is strictly speaking in the same situation where if Jinx faked her death he doesn't know and his ending is very mornful and bittersweet-to-bitter. But I think it works better because his theme that arc was the whole "leaping forward while leaving something behind", so I personally walk away with a slighty better feeling for Ekko, like he would understand. But of course he also got "wins". He smashes Viktor's mask. He talks Jinx out of suicide. He is just a supporting character (outside of maybe episode 7), but you can still feel good about his character).

Vi was not devoid of good character moments. Her standing up to Cait at the end of Act 1 was an important moment. Her trusting Jinx and about Vanderwick was an important moment. The problem is that Act 3 doesn't manage to tie to together in a way that is satisfying.

"Dirt under your nails" isn't without merit. I guess it's supposed to signal to us, that no matter what you take away from Vi (original family, Jinx, Vanderwick) she will keep on fighting? But it just feels kind of meh, especially with how ill fitting she was in the big action finale.

I'm afraid the same writers will be writing the next shows.

They won't. For one supposedly the Noxus show has been in the works for a year while Arcane was still being finished. And Christian Linke had talked explicitly about how he wanted to find new people to tell those other stories. That they think of the new shows as representing the regions and him and Alex were the right people for Piltover and Zaun but they need to find somebody else for Noxus for example.

I wouldn't rule out that he might do another show (he has mentioned somewhere that he would like to maybe do more with the more whimsical parts of the IP, but to be honest, other parts of statement sound like they were pretty exhausted [and that was before the criticism over the finale was in] )

My guess is the Noxus thing will have a different creative team with their own priorities. (that said this approach with a multi character focus might by a likely side effect of League and of how League is structured).

For what it's worth, I don't think you and I ware even that much in disagreement about the flaws of season 2. i just don't think that switching Vi to supporting was necessary impossible to pull off. I think there's plenty of ways that could have been done and still have left her with a story that makes the fans feel reasonably good about it.

(for what it's worth, I think Warwick's story was also extremely messy and similarly jumbled as Vi's even thought that was one of the new stories they wanted to tell. Or the Commander Caitlyn story was introduced with so much pomp in Act 1, I wouldn't say it was completely fumbled [it ends with Caitlyn's badass sacrifice of her eye], but I would argue it still wasn't as emotionally resonant as it could have been, this is my read of Jinx's ending btw and why I think it is meant to be uplifting by the writers [mileage may vary])

Vi season 2

Saying this about Vi, considering the fact that fundamentally the very basis of the show is about the relationship between her and Jinx is INSANE. The description for the show literally tells the audience it’s a story about two sisters and because the writers grew uninterested with one of them, they sidelined her.

I’m happy she got her happy ending, and i do believe that her writing remained consistent, my biggest issue with Vi this season was that she did feel sidelined, THAT was very obvious. I love her as a character outside of her relationship with Jinx and Caitlyn, however we didn’t get to see that this season.

Regardless if the ending stayed the same, Jinx and Vi barely interacting in the last act felt off. It’s really disappointing to see that one of the shows main and most important characters get sidelined in favour of others

anyway yeah there’s my rant bc seeing this shit on twitter has been pissing me off

[winepresswrath]

hi! i always love your MDZS/CQL takes; can i ask what are the questions you think CQL is asking, as compared to MDZS?

I haven't actually revisited either canon in ages, which is making me nervous. what questions the novel is interested in can be pretty contentious all on its own! @mikkeneko has an excellent answer in the notes here which I reccomend to everyone. My own thoughts are honestly pretty scattered- I keep on deleting things and going hm, that's not quite right.

So, for the obvious-to-me example, people reasonably zero in on the creation of innocent doctors/radish farmers who Wen Ruohan is holding hostage. In CQL it's easy to infer that Wen Qing and Wen Ning are maybe the only cultivators and almost certainly the only combatants among the Wen remnants, and their status is much more ambiguous in the novel, which I personally think is asking, essentially, "and so what? were they wrong to run, when they had a chance? Do they deserve what Jin Guangshan will do to them if they go back? Aren't they just people, actually?" Whereas the question that CQL is asking is more to the effect of "What does Wen Qing owe these people, when she is their only defence? What is she entitled to do to save them, at other people's expense? If she fucks up that moral calculus, what then? Does it matter if she's personally fond of some of the outsiders who are going to get hurt? If one of them saved her brother? Later, this question will flip to what Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng, and the parallel to Jiang Cheng's situation in particular is, I think, genuinely pretty fun. You're giving up the Wen as soldiers who've laid down their arms in exchange for Wen Qing also grappling with leadership and the question of how many horrors she can stand to look the other way on to protect her own people. one reason I keep deleting so much is that a lot cql's changes were motivated at least in part by censorship, which I think we mostly share a general and justified distaste for! but I also think that within the bounds of that censorship the creative team put a lot of work into actually doing something interesting with those changes. Or, for another example- nieyao! There's a much greater emphasis on the nmj-jgy relationship, it's unambiguously very close and they are clearly extremely important to one another, and I think that's because the cql team has a lot to say about love, trust, power, and the ways those things interact, and that reflects back on all of the other relationships in play, including Wangxian. Almost every time, when CQL chooses change a relationship they make the characters in question closer- that's true for Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji, for Wen Qing and the Yunmeng contingent, for Zixuan and Mianmian, and Huaisang and Meng Yao. It's even true for Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, who have a close and trusting relationship in first life! CQL puts a much greater emphasis on "all right, so you care, what next?" How do you choose someone and then choose to be good to them? What if there's a massive power disparity between you? What if you seriously disagree about your priorities and morals? How do you trust someone who's betrayed you? When is it a stupid choice to trust at all? How do you have faith that you know someone well enough for that trust to be meaningful?

for legal reasons i would like to specify that it's not that mdzs isn't interested in these problems. i do remember wangxian's literal trust fall. cql is asking these questions all the time about everyone. also for legal purposes i'm not suggesting that cql lwj and jc love each other. but! they establish a three month wartime partnership looking for wwx and then jc immediately drops him on wwx's say-so despite apparently having a positive enough opinion of him to tell wwx he thinks they should make up twice. lan wangji will later tell wwx he thinks he should loop jc in on the second flautist! these are people trying to navigate some kind of relationship/shared interest/community, as opposed to a hateful void. cql wants to say hey, how do you go about this? while I'm here and rambling cql also puts a lot of emphasis on wwx's connection to yunmeng and changes things up so instead of feeling alienated right before he leaves our last glimpse of him there is happily picking lotuses and playing with a kid! in both stories the narrative is asking who do you protect? who do you leave behind? can you ever get it back? but the angles are very different.

[cator99]

I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care

[traintrainingmontage]

Yesssssss more delicious Jobey cooking! I also like a lot of what's been said here. I mentioned in my own Edward Appreciation Essay (intended solely to highlight what I think are Edward's good qualities, mind you; I didn't talk about what I think are his weaknesses there) that Edward is very big on helping engines who feel lonely and unsure of themselves. Those are feelings that he can empathize with deeply, so he likes to help others that he feels might be suffering through that as well. As stated here, he wants to help James feel more welcome. That said, he does so at the expense of Gordon's image. It's a kindness to James, sure, but not so much to Gordon, although I don't think Edward is necessarily intentionally saying this to hurt Gordon--it's to bolster James. It's just interesting to see how Edward's kindness manifests--it's not platitudes or inoffensive fluff. It's "real" in a way that speaks to people; kind, albeit not the kindest.

I mentioned in my previous Essay that Edward feels like an example of a "good Christian" and role model in the sense that he's big on turning the other cheek, being kind and giving, etc., which works great for kids. However, that's the surface layer, which makes sense given that the Railway Series is intended for all ages, including adults. The deeper layer is that I feel Edward is a realistic portrayal of what might be considered ideal behavior regarding how to deal with your colleagues, from the younger ones to the sucky ones. I don't think that Edward keeps grudges, but like Jobey said, he does remember slights. That's normal. That's human ("human"?). It's what you do with that knowledge that matters, and in Edward's case, he uses it to make others feel better (at least, a large majority of the time). However, that does have the consequence of reinforcing his own negative Gordon feelings, such that he misses Gordon's growth at times.

The idea that Edward connects with all of these other misfits, often on the basis of them being misfits, is so interesting. It adds more dimension to the fact that Gordon, while being a prototype, is still sort-of a misfit in our eyes, but to the engines, he's the most-wanted/most hoped-for engine out of all of them. That's got to sting on some level, especially for Edward, who was also built to be a beloved, celebrated Express engine and was tossed aside. That, plus the fact that Gordon acts so superior... as far as Edward can read, he's not lonely. In fact, he's half the reason Edward and the others do feel lonely/lowly (and itches at Edward's abandonment issues, but I've said that already), so Edward would rather keep his distance and not engage.

Gordon's character growth is honestly one of the most compelling NWR-related arcs to me. I love that he feels so strongly and deeply about things and comes to form alliances with even the tank engines, who were once totally below him. He's humbled, but he grows from those experiences.

All of this is to say that I really love this analysis so far. It's cool to step away from the TVS' influence and solely take a look at things from the books' perspective; there's quite a few interesting differences!

Gordon and Edward, Part 2

Hello and welcome back to "Jobey ruins beloved RWS characters for you, using the power of... the actual RWS text!" 😇

Part 1: Gordon, what's your damage? 😭 / The Doylist Reason / Rent. Free. 

Post 2 (this post): Edward's Defences / Gordon's Growth

Post 3 (upcoming post, link later): Collision / Uh… Cleanup Crew?

Edward's Defences

Pretty consistently, through the next 45 years, Edward (most conflict-avoidant engine ever built?) takes a four-pronged approach to dealing with Gordon and the threat he represents:

He keeps Gordon at a distance. He focuses on building connections with… Literally Everyone Else. Gordon is kept more than a good buffer's length away (and when they must be in close proximity things do tend to go south in a hurry).

He tries to never give Gordon a reaction, or any other ammo. Will not admit weakness or discomfort or upset. Difficult, because he has a transparent face when he's sad! And he's comfortable confiding in others! But he'll never, willingly, let Gordon see him bleed. 

Instead he treats Gordon very lightly. Adopts a sort of affectionate knowingness, which allows him to "laugh off" Gordon's more irritating or threatening qualities. 

He takes control of the narrative. He doesn't shy from telling humans the engines' business. He spreads stories (I'm not saying false stories) that counter Gordon's branding of himself as supreme and infallible. He also builds his own brand as reliable and sensible. 

Where do I get all this from? The text: 

"I've got some trucks to take home tomorrow," he told him. "If you take them instead, I'll push coaches in the Yard." (~1925)

We're less than one full book away from "now all three engines are great friends" and Edward is already shedded somewhere else, baby. That move was likely integral to developing those two new friendships with Henry and especially with Gordon… ironic but true. Hey, we know that the big engines seem to have only learned to appreciate Thomas after he left, too! And, of course, it gives Edward some space from all of the *waves hand vaguely* at the Big Shed. He doesn't like conflict (and Gordon is a conflict-generating machine). 

They both rested at the next station; Edward told James how Gordon had stuck on the hill, and he had had to push him up! (1925) 

Bro. Bro bro bro bro bro. I am pointing urgently. 

This bit is so telling. It's been two years since the events of EDO/E&G and Edward is already seen defining Gordon's whole brand as we now know it to newcomers. 

If it wasn't for that moment, I wouldn't insist with nearly as much confidence what I think then comes into focus as a clear fact: The early RWS itself is all evidence that Edward is winning the propaganda war, lol. Gordon's opinion of himself is a silly, endearing, limited point of view. Edward's opinion of himself is canon, bitches! 

Incredible stuff. 

This scene is a glimpse into the tactics that allowed Edward to eventually win this game (poor Gordon has no idea they're playing). Here he is laying the groundwork a good 20 years before the books about them were even published! And this is a good place to remind readers that, unlike in TVS where they make Gordon's hill problem a recurring gag, we only see Gordon stalling out there and requiring a banker's help once. In Christopher Awdry's Gordon the High Speed Engine, he also specifies that Gordon (who is about to have trouble on the hill again, in the 1980s) stuck before on this hill. "[O]nce." Once. 

This is not a habit of his. It was a one-off thing. It's only remembered at all because his superior attitude and his ignorance of the words "thank you" offended Edward so deeply that he kept the memory of this event alive for over 20 years, until the Thin Clergyman got the story in print. 

It's a bit messed up. 

It's more than a bit petty. 

It's so bloody funny. 

No, I don't think Edward is some consciously evil Machiavellian genius. He's neither vindictive nor that far-sighted. But he's resilient, and creative enough to instinctively change the rules of the game when otherwise they'd grind him into rust. And there is his characteristic kindness mixed up in all of this, too: He needs to find a way to welcome Gordon's presence in his life, so he finds a narrative that makes Gordon funny and lovable instead of a threat. He sees James is insecure, so he tells that story at least partly from real solidarity and empathy. It's not like he's trashing Gordon, either – there is no lie told, and James is not put off trying to "motor-mouth" his way into Gordon's good graces. I'd characterize it, not as trashing Gordon, more… injecting an element of realism into his growing legend ;) We see in the same book that Gordon is continuing in his superior attitude (which involves putting others down, even if it's a bit more indirectly than he did two books earlier) and that his attitude depresses and dejects newcomers like James. There is good, civic-minded reason to slyly undermine Gordon's branding of himself as all-powerful and invincible – it's not good for the railway as a whole if Gordon is allowed to lord over them all on his throne unchecked, the new engines forever overawed. It is kind of Edward to welcome James and give him a boost, it's genuinely useful for everyone that in the end James triumphs to seize the role of a darkhorse rival junior but trusted colleague of Gordon's. 

At the same time, while it's all justifiable and even beneficial, this action is also very useful in cementing Edward's own position. Let's just be clear-eyed about this. 

"Shall I help you, James?" called Edward. / "No, thank you," answered James, "I'll pull them myself." / "Good, don't let them beat you." (1925-6) 

Edward and James show a perfect understanding of each other in this moment – different though they may be, Don't let them beat you is a shared value. (Shared by a lot of engines, of course; probably a steam engine culture thing. Douglas says something similar in RWS after accidentally destroying the spiteful brakevan.) It applies here to trucks, but no doubt that's a value that motivates them in other areas, too. 

It's just worth remembering this, when it comes to Edward's stance re: Gordon. He's more subtle about it than James is. He sort of has to be (he cannot directly compete with Gordon, as James can). But he's still determined to not be beaten. 

Errr, but then Gordon triggers a chain of events that Edward could have never conceived of. The Fat Controller sends him to Tidmouth, Edward goes in with no idea what he's facing, and wham. We have the first of the two really severe strains on this relationship: 

Gordon came clanking past, hissing rudely[...] / "They all hiss me, Sir," answered Edward sadly. "They say 'Tender Engines don't shunt', and last night they said I had black wheels. I haven't, have I, Sir?" (~1927)

Two things to note here. This clash doesn't only represent Gordon's and Edward's differing views on what is proper to the dignity of an engine and what he owes to his railway. That's all The Author can see of it, of course… The Author being a human, and thus with a vested structural interest in vindicating Edward's point of view on this matter — and in mocking Gordon's view to scorn. This is why, so far as the book is concerned, Gordon and his two big-engine followers don't have a wheel to run on here. The Gordon position is portrayed as thoroughly unreasonable (even if, despite the narrative's best efforts, the text must admit that the Fat Controller does actually have to get a new tank engine – which was Gordon's demand all along!) 

Because of The Author's interest, there's no chance of any acknowledgment that the other tender engines' anger might have the slightest validity to it. However I think we are seeing another, parallel clash going down here:

Gordon naturally sees friendship as, well, as an Alliance. My friends are your friends and your enemies are my enemies. United we stand, together we fall. The problem is that while Edward is mild-mannered he's not a follower, like Henry and James – he has his own mind and he's not about to substitute Gordon's convictions for his own. Edward's idea of friendship is mutual sympathy and support. Emphasis here on mutual, because you just know that young Gordon was quite prepared to receive support (as his due!) but had trouble returning it. That's something Edward considers a serious insult… whereas his own idea of friendship simply has nothing to do with "how dare you cut the branch out from under me when I'm risking my tender leading collective action against management!" To Gordon that's a real betrayal. I suspect when Edward undercut his strike Gordon was genuinely hurt and felt a real righteous indignation – one that is never expressed in canon because to the Author there's nothing even slightly valid in Gordon's hurt. But canon (the Author, the railway, the whole institution of human society that made and employs these guys) does validate Edward's position that boasting and one-upmanship are hurtful, itself a sort of betrayal – which is a big problem, since for Gordon they're alarmingly close to a damn love language.

This is a position on which I feel no need to take sides. I know the Author's position. I think they just have irreconcilable values and that Gordon's values, while I don't share them, aren't just shit, either. I don't condone all his behavior here but I do think his idea of friendship is consistent over the course of the Wilbert books and that he would feel genuinely betrayed here. And if you've been betrayed then it makes sense that you are hurt and angry. 

What a mess. 

"Tender Engines do shunt, but all the same, you'd be happier in your own Yard." (~1927)

Guys, I'm telling ya, the Fat Controller knew what he was doing when he separated Edward from the other "great friends" after the events of TTRE. He knows. Letting Edward have distance from Gordon is policy. Pre-existing policy. Drafting Edward to Tidmouth was a last-ditch effort to avoid buying a tank engine but TFC is unsurprised when it takes less than one (1) day of proximity for Edward's "laugh 'im off" strategy to fail. Proximity causes the fragile Edward and Gordon relationship to collapse immediately – which inevitably means that it's Edward who gets hurt – and so Hatt is resigned to his new expenditure. Off to the engine orphanage. 

After Percy is brought in, Gordon et. al. are suitably punished, and equilibrium is restored, there is again a long period of relative peace between 2 and 4. And it's not because Gordon has lost his capability to be an asshat to others (see "Gordon's Whistle" and "Off the Rails" and "Duck Takes Charge" and – etc.) But Edward's defences are restored and he continues to reinforce them. Again in safety at his own station, he regains his ability to laugh knowingly and to gather intel for the oppo file: 

“It sounds like Gordon,” said Edward, “and it ought to be Gordon, but Gordon never whistles like that.” / It was Gordon. / … / He screamed through the station and disappeared. / “Well!!!” said Edward, looking at Henry. / “It isn’t wrong,” chuckled Henry, “but we just don’t do it,” and he told Edward what Gordon had said. (1935-6) 

After Henry's rebuild, there is a long "dark" period – end of Depression (including Gordon's rebuild) and WWII. During the course of the war the Thin Clergyman begins (and ends) his stint as publicity director for the NWR, and in 1945 TTRE is published. I reckon the focus on Edward, Henry, and Gordon reflects that this was a high-water mark in their friendship. The qualities and values that these three actually do have in common – duty, loyalty, determination – would have been at the forefront for those years. They would have faced a lot of very difficult days together, and together they got through them. The bond might have been heightened because frankly this is the sort of circumstance I can see them at their very best but the opposite being true for James, so there might have beena bit of "the old band getting back together" and re-bonding. In particular I can see Edward and Gordon during the war years learning to better appreciate the other's strengths. In 1945 you can easily imagine 'the three railway engines' looking ahead to a happy new era and genuinely believing that all their petty squabbles are in the past, they will never have problems between them again. 

Lmao. 

Well actually, of course, life goes on. By 1952 Gordon in particular is achieving brand-new levels of asshattery in the lead up to his ditch tourism. However, the interactions between him and Edward this year support my guess that this was a period of detente: 

“I won’t go, I won’t go,” grumbled Gordon. / “Don’t be silly, don’t be silly,” puffed Edward. (1952) 

This is their most obvious "tug-of-war" moment ever, but actually the stakes here are soooooo low lol. To me this is one of their cosiest and most comfortable interactions, actually. This is a rare case where they don't sound like stuffy, old-school, vaguely-to-explicitly dysfunctional colleagues. They just sound like siblings. For once they're being fairly frank with each other. 

Wait… what's this... for twice? 

1952 was a banner year for them, guys!

The engines in the Shed were excited and wondered who would pull the Royal Train. "I'm too old to pull important trains," said Edward sadly. / "I'm in disgrace," Gordon said gloomily. "The Fat Controller would never choose me." (1952) 

This is a remarkable moment in this dynamic. It's the only time Edward ever admits vulnerability in front of Gordon. Fascinating. 

I think it's extremely relevant here that Gordon has been in dire disgrace for what appears to be at least two months by this point. His status (though soon to be restored!) is currently nuked. Gordon's been in a very amiable frame of mind towards everyone. He has never been less of a threat.

It's also extremely probable that, even if this book was published first, this scene almost certainly takes place after EtBE. So earlier this same year where Gordon hits his lowest-ever status, Edward has hit his highest since Gordon arrived – the Fat Controller has overhauled him and Edward returned to an enthusiastic hero's welcome from the other engines. Everybody's drinking their respect Edward juice just then. 

So this is a very brief period where Edward does not seem to feel any need to keep a wall up around Gordon – nor the others. 

Now, with James and especially Henry, perhaps that wall never goes up again. But with Gordon, well. Let's just enjoy the moment. Presumably the whole royal visit prolonged this high point in their relationship even a bit longer. But it won't last. 

When Gordon and Henry heard about the accident, they laughed and laughed. "Fancy allowing cows to break his train! They wouldn't dare do that to us. We'd show them!" they boasted. / Edward pretended not to mind[.] (1952) 

Backtracking to earlier the same year. Gordon's acting an ass here – but not like the asshole of the tender engines' strike affair. We're back, not to insults, but to mere boasting. But... reminder that while Edward probably feels an insult keenly (he feels everything else keenly; why not this?), it's boasting that really seems to get under his paint.

I cannot overemphasize the line He pretended not to mind. 

Edward is not a pokerfaced engine! This is not natural behavior for him! He's the "why are you sad?" "hullo Edward, you look upset" "Where is Thomas??? peepipeeeep!!" guy. This is play-it-cool stuff is behavior he developed as a shield against Gordon. 

To be sure, we also see him employ it later this same book, this time against James: "Late again?" / Edward laughed, and James fumed away. The difference is – well, the need for the life-saving chase was pretty lucky, of course ;) but the real difference is that at the end of the affair James makes a real apology. As a result, the narrative tells us (doesn't show us, which is too bad, but I'm going to trust the telling), their old friendship is restored, strengthened even. Unfortunately making a real apology seems to be something completely beyond Gordon, at least at this point. And even if it wasn't, well, Edward never directly asks for one or complains about the behavior of the other engines to their faces. I don't know if Gordon is capable of apologizing to Henry either, but at least in that case Henry is going to be very loud and clear that he wants one. (This is probably at the bottom of the success of the 3+4 friendship. Gordon needs things spelled out for him – and Henry complains and grumbles without restraint, no Gordon will always be kept up to date on exactly where they stand.) Edward doesn't do that, perhaps can't do it because it violates his "never admit weakness in front of Gordon [or, in this one case, James]" defense mechanism. His remark referencing the "Old Iron" insult hints that he's ready for an apology – and James is able to take the hint and respond appropriately. Maybe that's why we've only ever seen Edward have to use the laughing pokerface strategy with James once, and we see him using it re: Gordon many times. 

Going back to "Cows." At the end of that story Edward needles Gordon the same way he later does James. Gordon responds, not so humbly and sincerely, but arguably a form of relationship repair happens: 

"Well, well, well!" chuckled Edward, "two big engines afraid of one cow!" / "Afraid – Rubbish," said Gordon huffily. We didn't want the poor thing to hurt herself by running against us. We stopped so as not to excite her. You see what I mean, my dear Edward." / "Yes, Gordon," said Edward gravely. / Gordon felt somehow that Edward "saw" only too well. (1952)

Well… they too are restored to their status quo. 

It's just that their postwar status quo is polite, passive-aggressive points-scoring. 

Now, at least it's civil! It sounds friendly. It sounds like there's mutual respect there. But...  

It's not enmity. But you might call them frenemies.

I also need to remind us that we are reading the above quote because it is in print. Post-war, there is a new factor playing in this dynamic, a nearly-invisible but probably incredibly important one: the Thin Clergyman keeps publishing one or two books about their goings-on, every damn year. His interviews and his publications have already stirred up all sorts of old history (notably Troublesome Engines came out like two years ago, so they got to re-live that pretty recently). But now the RWS has "caught up" to current events so the engines are having the interesting new experience of an account of their doings for the year coming out, like, right away. Everyone becomes famous, but this also means that the books (and The Author's take on them) are shaping more and more people's perceptions of these guys, who have enough foreign traffic on their railway in this era that they cannot be ignorant of this effect. You know what they say about fame: it takes already imperfect relationships, and makes 'em better! 😇 Wait, no, they definitely do not say that... There is no chance that this sort of meta "reality tv show" factor didn't affect their outlooks and relationships. 

Especially in a relationship like this. Where the Thin Clergyman's account of things heavily favors Edward, and rather severely trims Gordon's wheels. 

Ooooooooooooof. I don't even want to speculate about the details of how this play out, but just bear in mind that it's. there. 

Maybe it illuminates a lot of stuff going on in Duck and the Diesel. Including this… 

“[H]e told Edward what Gordon had said. / “Don’t take any notice,” soothed Edward, “he’s just jealous. He thinks no engine should be famous but him.” (1957) 

Erm. That's a pretty blunt assessment. Especially from an engine who usually has rose-colored glasses firmly attached. 

I've never heard Edward say anything negative before about… anything. Literally anything. Let alone an anyone. 

His prior remarks about Gordon always had the air of "haha… lol… Gordon, we love him of course 🙃…" There's no laugh here, no fondness, no attempt to soften things. 

Not that this bluntness is a bad thing, in and of itself. But if the goal of Edward's defences was initially to find a way to maintain a good relationship (and I think it sincerely was), then the last example, from DatDE, is a yellow flag. It's been over thirty goddamn years now, and Edward is not growing more accepting and comfortable with Gordon – the opposite, actually. I don't hear Edward being unfair to Gordon there, precisely, but I do seem to hear markedly less tolerance than before. 

And this is interesting, the hint that Edward is losing patience with Gordon. Because Gordon is actually engaged in a lot of self-improvement. 

Gordon's Growth 

He's been on a magical journey of character development, guys. 

And it started way before his book/1952. 

We see the little crocuses of Gordon's emerging awareness that Other Engines Have Something To Offer, Too almost from the get-go. I would count the fact that (back in 1923) it's Gordon who proposes that Henry is let out of the tunnel to try pulling his train. Which. Crazy idea, really. But even crazier because Gordon's been shown to have previously spent day upon day upon day whistling "Serves you riiiiiiiiight!" 

Honestly, this is yet another hint to me that Gordon comes across as way harsher than he means to. I almost called the above "openly taunting Henry." But honestly, given his immediate and unexplained turnaround by the end of the story… once again, I think Gordon was being judgey and blunt, but really had no idea that what he was doing was so hurtful. Or that other engines have, like, feelings. Real feelings. 

We see this pattern again and again. Gordon tells Edward "[I'll] be a splendid sight for you" and James "Ah well, we all have to begin somewhere, don't we? Run along now and fetch my coaches" and the two smaller engines, quite understandably, seem to say in their hearts oh my God, what an insufferable asshat. Meanwhile Gordon thinks he's being friendly. Or at least condescending (but, like, in the fun, benevolent way). Similarly, Gordon tells back-from-major-reconstructive-surgery Henry that he's been really letting the side down in, like, three different ways – and I bet if anyone had directly challenged him he would have sincerely been like "... What? What's the problem? I told him we were happy to have him back!" Even his spat with Henry that led to his boasting in "Off the Rails" began with what have may been genuinely mother-henning his friend. I would not be too shocked to learn that Gordon gets twinges of unease that he never examines every so often when he sees Henry with a train and has a subconscious flashback to their fears for Henry's life after the Kipper accident. Altogether, there seems to so often be a good and commendable instinct on Gordon's part – it's just that for the longest time he doesn't seem to have a clue about how to transmute those instincts into something that other engines are going to find legible. And then if he gets even slight pushback his good instincts collapse and he reverts to his childish "meee! meeeeeeee! 😤😤" instincts. 

It's a slow hard slog for him to learn how to Use His Words and Relate To Others, but we do get to see progress. And it starts early! He makes friends with James after James successfully takes the Express (1925-6) – and it's really quite a gracious overture. He, along with James, sympathises with Henry after the elephant incident (the Author, of course, explicitly denigrates this, suggests that it was purely a matter of politicking and scheming and that it would have been healthier to have mocked Henry, the way the proletariat should always be cutting each other down at the slightest opportunity, really sticking the boot in each other's neck gratis. But hell with that! Lmao. Catch me ever swallowing Management's narrative about how their striking workers banded together. Anyway, even if I granted for the sake of argument that Gordon was faking his sympathy, well, I mean. Gordon faking sympathy is still #Growth. Fake it till you make it!) He is also friendly and kind when he rescues Percy from the Big Bank of Earth – he indeed shows so much tact that he finds something to give Percy credit for, instead of saying (which would have been true) "This is all your fault, dumbass…" 

"Off the Rails" represents a bad week or so for him, but the incidents in the rest of Gordon's book don't show us a newly humbled Gordon – more just a recently re-humbled one. His behavior to James is perfectly in line with those previous incidents. His behavior to Thomas doesn't come out of nowhere either… although in that one Gordon is trialling some new material: 

“I’m sorry I was cheeky,” said Thomas. / “That’s all right, Thomas. You made me laugh. I like that. I’m in disgrace,” Gordon went on pathetically. “I feel very low.” (1952) 

We all see what's new here?

1) The Alliance. Now, Gordon putting words to it (and words that make it into the RWS) is new. The concept overall is not new; this seems to be a verbalization of an attitude that Gordon has adopted long ago. As I argued above, this is just Gordon's whole concept of friendship. It is worth pointing out, though, that he never before extended this concept to tank engines. (He could condescend to them. Not offer them alliance and equality, though. Therefore didn't get upset when Thomas didn't "understand" his concerns as A Tender Engine, either. There was no expectation of a pact. Not back then. It's only now that this changes.) 

As the next decade or so goes on, we're going to see that Gordon (and Henry) seem to continue extending this implicit alliance to every steam engine. (Diesels, after that whole disastrous introduction to them via the most devious of engines, are a sort of last barrier.) Think "We engines have our differences, but we'd never talk about them to the trucks." Think Gordon laughing with Stepney and Duck over their triumph with "the heavy train." Think of rallying around Donald and Douglas when they learn there is a threat of scrap. That concept of alliance that was once limited between the big engines (plus or minus Edward, depending) is now extended. It doesn't mean that there are never conflicts or clashes within the ranks, of course! But it does mean that there's a new attitude spreading on this railway. This book is where we see the first sign of Gordon spearheading it. I wouldn't say he gets credit for creating or implementing it all himself – but he does deserve credit in the sense that, if he had not whole-heartedly bought into this idea, it wouldn't have become entrenched on the main line. 

2) Vulnerability. I directed attention in the previous section to the way that Edward will not admit weakness in front of Gordon. Gordon has something similar… but worse. Until this point, Gordon would not admit vulnerability to anyone. At most would complain, or try to make some "objective" case as to why he is ill-used. 

That isn't what happens in this exchange. He doesn't make the slightest argument for himself, he doesn't object to being in disgrace. He simply owns, aloud, that it sucks. I feel very low. 

There are other indicators that this is not a one-off, that Gordon is simply coming to terms with the reality that he is, basically, a sensitive soul: 

One day Gordon saw [Sir Handel] shunting, and laughed. / “My Controller makes me shunt,” Sir Handel said sheepishly, “and take trucks to quarries too. I’m highly sprung, and I suffer dreadfully.” / “Our Controllers don’t understand our feelings,” sympathised Gordon. (195…5?) 

This isn't as vulnerable as the Thomas case – Gordon's not feeling Very Low in that moment, after all – but it is a fascinating moment. In a previous book, Sir Handel treated Gordon like they were equals, which left Gordon "speechless." As well it might! (We'll get back to that in a sec.) And now, when Gordon meets up with him again, he does have the upper wheel: He catches out Sir Handel not being so very express-enginey after all! But when he laughs, Sir Handel owns up to his embarrassment. And this is exactly how you get Gordon's best side. When you're vulnerable, he stops acting the bully, and he's sympathetic. Very similar to the case from "Percy Runs Away." But this time, Gordon seems to be going a half-step further than just claiming the role of benevolent patron. "Our Controllers don't understand our feelings." He really does cement Sir Handel's claim to equal fellowship. 

It's probably not mere politeness, though, that makes Gordon sympathize. He's revealing something important here about his inner life. When Gordon is seen as his most proud and demanding, Gordon is actually troubled and upset – putting up a very good thick front over it, though. 

We will see confirmation that he's a creature of Feels again in 1968, after he spends a whole page (that's a lot of time, in RWS-land) unable to express more than "I'm not happy" – which the other Tidmouth engines ignore or treat as a superficial complaint because, well, they just had no reason to think that Gordon would ever be like this: 

Gordon backed down on his train, hissing mournfully. / “Cheer up, Gordon!” said The Fat Controller. / “I can’t, Sir. The others say I’ve got boiler-ache, but I haven’t, Sir. I keep thinking about the Dreadful State of the World, Sir. Is it true, Sir, what the diesels say?” / “What do they say?” / “They boast that they’ve abolished Steam, Sir.” / “Yes, Gordon. It is true.” / “What, Sir! All my Doncaster brothers, drawn the same time as me?” (1968) 

*dramatic gesture* Gordon the “I Just Want a Little Goddamn Sympathy” Engine, ladies and gentlemen. 

Returning to our overall topic, this is an interesting similarity between Gordon and Edward. Despite their numerous and obvious differences, they both have a lot of Feelings – like, to the point where it’s a burden, and figuring out what to do with ‘em drives their respective character arcs. 

Being them, of course, they approach the problem from opposite directions, lol. Edward is basically toughening up, and starting to adopt the role of an elder/mentor (he does this a lot later than I gather people think he does, and in more limited circumstances. But you do gradually see him becoming less A Normal, Emotive Peer and more of A Sympathetic Listener, One Half Step Removed from Ordinary Engine Life, Giving and Not Asking For Support). Gordon has almost the reverse assignment. He's opening up, and gradually learning how to come down from his high horse and be on a level with others. 

Once Gordon learns how to use his words to express himself like a rational being, he starts being able to form much healthier bonds with others. (I didn’t say with everyone. And I didn’t say they were perfectly healthy. Just… healthier than some of his past bullshit, lol.) 

And, when Gordon gets the kind of support he needs, he becomes much less of a pain in the arse. This arc continues all the way through to the Christopher Awdry books. 

To the extent that, as of Main Line Engines, he IS still a pain in the ass… well, I think we can infer that he hasn’t yet got that support network quite in place. 

Ironically, ‘emotional support’ is a real strength of Edward’s. It’s something we’ve seen him lend generously to a laundry list of other engines… and something we never see him offer Gordon. 

For obvious reasons. Gordon burned him so many times before and (the key commonality, of course) Edward is sensitive, too. It’s always obvious that he feels things keenly and takes things hard. His character arc has a lot to do with channeling that sensitivity into action and learning to build more backbone. 

It's on a collision course with Gordon's character arc, which is about connecting with and owning his feelings and learning how to express them. 

We can see the crash coming in part to, again, the absence of what we see between them in this pre-60s era. Gordon has repeatedly proven that he can be a very good friend, when an engine is down (Percy, James, Thomas, Sir Handel). This is a great footing for Gordon to show his best and most generous side. 

Unfortunately Edward's entire strategy for dealing with Gordon since at least 1925 has been about NOT showing any weakness in front of him. A strategy he's followed with great success. 

So it's no surprise, that both characters are growing and developing, but that their relationship is growing more and more hollow. 

It's no surprise… but it is aggravating. 

And the thing that makes you want to tear your hair out the most? Gordon – Mr. Oblivious himself – has no idea anything's wrong.

And, honestly, watching Edward getting slyer and slyer about forever keeping Gordon squarely on the back foot is a joy… I’m so proud of him… even as part of me groans because, funny though this is, they could have had something even better. 

Let’s take a closer look at MLE. They’ve both spent decades now dosing on ‘character development.’ Unfortunately those arcs are on trajectory to criss-cross – and the smash-up happens here.

[sskk-manifesto]

(´･ᴗ･ ` )

[aro-ortega]

i think it would be funny if in the future daniel + julia try to convince sasja to give polyamory/them as a throuple a shot

[constantineshots]

"pity it wasn't mace." you're so right