#lots are WEIRD /neg that i’m never going to answer but have yet to answer

[timblrdrake]

Omg, that's so many . . . good luck answering them all . . . at least you know you're popular?

(Nonny nonny)

thanks man i’m going to try my best

lots of them are bugs

[buuniebaby]

your first time with hamzah 🙈🙈

THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. 🎀

includes: losing your virginity, awkward sex talk, very sweet sex ! 💝

word count 3.2k purr

you’re too tired for this.

you and hamzah are becoming sleep deprived, something you usually do together: come over to each others houses, watch a movie, eat food your stomach will regret in the morning. it’s been a tradition since you guys were just friends.

even now as you’re dating, it still feels.. the same. not that you’re complaining; you love having a partner who’s also a best friend to you. it just feels like there should be some sort of change, but you can’t put your finger on it.

it’s 2 in the morning now. you and hamzah have watched about 3 shitty 2000s movies, enjoying every moment of each one. your brain feels absolutely fried, and you can only imagine his is as well.

“are you a virgin?” hamzah spoke suddenly, but also casually. a little too casually. you choke on your own spit at that, face turning red with embarrassment.

“…what?” is all you can reply back. “what- why?” you say, eyebrows furrowing at him. your voice has noticeably pitched up.

“i dunno. just tell me.” hamzah says, rolling his eyes. you hate how confident and sassy he is, but you’re also sort of attracted to it.

“you’re so weird.” you practically squeal, jokingly. you grab onto a pillow as you fall back first onto the bed. “why do you even wanna know? that’s so like, random.” you ask, more genuine this time.

“i guess,” hamzah starts, but then pauses, almost as if he doesn’t know the answer himself.

“i was just kinda thinking. like, we don’t really talk about sex, ever. and we don’t have to- I don’t wanna bring it up if you’re uncomfortable. I’m just like, curious if you’d be down to talk about it.” he rambles, making up his words as he goes. you furrow your brows as he speaks, still kind of confused. you know there had to be something that started it, you just aren’t sure what.

“oh. well like,” you flush, sort of embarrassed to admit what you’re about to say. “yeah, i am.”

“a virgin?” hamzah asks, head tilting like a lost puppy.

“yes, idiot. what else would i be talking about?” you reply back sarcastically.

“you’re right, you’re right,” he banters with you. “I just- I guess I’m surprised.”

you perk back up, sitting yourself upright again.

“surprised.. that im a virgin?” you question, raising an eyebrow.

“i guess.. i dunno. I just feel like you’re like, too pretty to not have found someone who wants you like that.” he rambles. you feel a blush creep onto your cheeks again, knowing he’ll always praise you for your pretty face.

“i mean, I’ve found a lot of people who want me,” you say, rolling your eyes at the thought of a particular ex. “I’m just like, picky, I guess.” your giggling as hamzah somewhat laughs with you, but you watch as his facial expression starts to falter. you know something’s on his mind.

“do you want to?” is all he mutters. again, he keeps this quiet, casual tone that you rarely see with him.

“i mean, yeah, kinda. I just like, don’t know where to start I guess.” you answer honestly. “feels like everyone’s way more experienced than i am anyways.” hamzah turns over to you, looking in the eye. you feel him think for a second, as if he doesn’t know whether he should let his thoughts out or not.

“well, I don’t really have experience either.” he mutters back, scoping for a negative reaction from you. your eyes widen a bit, and he doesn’t know if he should take your body language negatively or positively.

“you’re a virgin too?” you ask, a more shy tone than usual.

“..yeah. well I’ve done like- stuff. just like, never had sex. never had my penis like, in there, y’know-“

“you don’t need to go into detail.” is all you have to say, talking over him.

“-but i would go all the way with you.”

that’s all you remember from that night before blacking out, yet somehow the short memory haunts your mind. it’s eating you up inside, the thought of losing your virginity after so long to him.

you’ve seen all the edits and thirst traps of him online and can admit that they’ve made you feel some type of way about him - hell, you’ve touched yourself to the idea of your boyfriend too. yet for some reason, the thought of actually having sex with him was never really a priority to you. it’s not until now you’ve understood people’s cravings for sex, but god can you feel it now.

you’re making breakfast the next morning while his hands are around your waist and all you can think of is that conversation. when you help him with editing throughout the day, leaning over his shoulder, all you can think about is him having you bent over like that in a different context. you feel like you’re in a haze almost, clouded by the thought of hamzah.

“baby?” hamzah asks, waving a hand in front of your face in an attempt to get your attention. you perk up and face him, slightly embarrassed for spacing out.

“i was just gonna ask if you wanted me to order something for lunch.” he says casually, but his face begins to fade into an expression between concerned and confused. “you okay?”

“what?!” you reply, scrambling at bit as you didn’t think he would pick up on your behavior. “im fine. what do you mean??” you question; rapidly.

“you’ve just been like, really spaced out today. i get like that, where i like dissociate sometimes when something reallyyy bad happens. so i just wanted to make sure.” he rambles a bit, genuine concern in your eyes. despite the horniness driving your body right now, you do feel a bit warmed by the way he cares for you.

“you can always talk to me if something’s up, y’know-“

“did you mean it?” you ask, staring at him blankly.

“mean… what?” he stares back at you, looking at you like you just killed a man in front of him.

“what you said last night. that you’d like- y’know..” you look down shyly, hiding in your hair as a warm blush creeps onto your face.

“that I would..?” hamzah looks at you, genuinely clueless.

“lose it to me hamzah. have sex with me. loose your virginity.” you look up at him, speaking sternly. you’re a little too pent up to take his stupidity today.

you watch as his expression changes, going from confused to something you can’t even put a name on. a mix of shocked, embarrassed, amused - but most prominently, you watch that urge crawl up into his body. you can tell in his eyes that he wants you in the same way you crave him.

“yeah.” he says, breathy. “i want that. like, now though? or like later, what are we doing-“

his words are cut off as your lips land on his. he gasps into the kiss, caught by surprise. you try and swipe your tongue against his slightly parted lips, but he pulls away before you can get it anywhere significant.

you look at him concerned after he pulls away, taking a second to breathe.

“have you like- kissed anyone before?” he asks, and you can tell he’s serious. you giggle a little.

“yes, ive kissed before.” you say, a little smile still formed on your face. “buuut..” you drag on your words to edge him on a bit.

“ive only made out with someone once, and i can already tell you’re the better kisser.” you say, slyly. he likes it when you boost his ego like this - he’s already proud of himself for pulling you, so you make him feel like some sort of greek god.

he smirks before he pulls you into another kiss, this time pressing his lips to yours a lot firmer. it’s more intense this time around, a hand cupping the side of your face, holding you in place for him as his tongue glides inside your mouth.

you kiss until you physically can’t anymore, pulling back when you need a break for air. there’s an awkward silence before he kisses you again, putting his hands on your waist sometimes. you’re taken aback a bit as he lifts you in the air.

your immediate reaction is to hook your legs onto something, hamzah just being the nearest option, of course. your legs wrap around him, straddling his hips. you arms are grabbing onto his shoulders gently. he’s strong enough to hold you without support, but you like the physical aspect of clinging onto him like a koala.

he reaches the room, fumbling with the doorknob as he struggles to lift you at the same time. he kicks the door closed softly behind him when he eventually gets in there. he drops you in the middle of the bed, body landing gracefully.

you sit yourself up into a more comfortable position, and hamzah sits himself right next to you. it’s here when you realize how comfortable you are around him, even if you’re about to reach a life milestone you can never take back with him.

but fuck, you’re never gonna be able to take this back. the anxiety crawls back up into your brain for a second, but the feeling of hamzah’s hand on your thigh relaxes you. a single look into his eyes and you’re already reassuring yourself again. you’re not gonna want to take this back, because god, you love this boy.

“have you ever-“ hamzah pauses mid sentence, stuttering. he does this when he doesn’t know what words to use; it’s one of his mannerisms that you’ve picked up a little yourself over time. “like, felt anyone up? or like- dry hump them, I guess.” he says. you feel him cringe a bit at his own words - he gets embarrassed easily.

“not really,” you say. a smirk creeps onto your face as you have an idea. “but you could show me how.”

hamzah’s eyes widen a bit as his hand moves from your thigh to your waist. he picks you up again like it’s nothing, sitting you down on his lap. his hands massage your waist, moving up briefly past your chest. he runs at your collarbone for a minute, staring at your clothed breasts.

“can i take this off?” he asks in a low voice, toying with the fabric at your shoulders. you bite your lip as you give him a nod, and before you know it whatever garment was covering you before is gone.

“fuckkk,” is all hamzah lets out before a hand is cupping your chest, squeezing at your soft and fleshy skin. instinctively, you push your chest into his hands. you let out a soft noise as he rolls one of your nipples between his fingers.

he’s fully hard now, and you can feel it straining against you. you can tell he’s trying to keep his hips still, not wanting to get worked up too fast.

his hands leave one side of your chest as his mouth attaches to your other nipple. you can’t help but moan at the feeling of him suckling at it. he pulls of for a second, and you can feel his hands fumbling with the fabric of your bottoms for a second.

“take this off for me?” he pleads in a sweet tone, and you can tell he’s starting to get needy. you comply, of course, leaving you in just your underwear. you don’t want to be the only one undressed though, so you shimmy his pants down a bit and get his shirt off too.

you’re left in both just underwear - a weird feeling. there’s not a lot of fabric separating your crotch and hamzah’s, so when he bucks his hips up into yours it feels good. he ducks down to kiss you again, chest pressing to yours, and god, you feel like you’re in heaven. there’s heat burning through your body as your bare skin touched his.

his hands are on your hips as you grind against him, the thin material of his boxers straining against his cock. he reaches down to rub you through your underwear, eliciting a moan as you hide his head in your shoulder.

he stops your grinding for a second, a hand trailing up your thigh. he uses it to spread your legs wide, causing you to make a small noise. he pulls your panties to the side, showing off what he’s wanted all this time.

he’s already settling lower, head balance with your hips, and now you’re nervous. it’s your first time being touched like this - probably his too, and it’s scary. you close your eyes when you feel him plant a kiss on your hip, teasing you. he continues to kiss around, even guiding a hand back up to play with your chest, but it’s not enough.

“please,” you whimper, begging for more stimulation. hamzah takes it as a sign you’re ready, and before you know it, you’re squirming again.

he presses just a single finger inside you, scoping how much you’re able to take. your stomach flips as you feel him spread you open. he adds another finger once the first one is in knuckle deep, then begins to curl them inside of you. you whimper at the feeling as his fingers excel in speed, working you open.

“hamzah- fuck.” you whine, letting out an especially sharp gasp at the feeling of his fingers hitting that spot.

“yeah?” he asks, playfully, curling his fingers to hit the same spot. your pelvis thrusts up at the movement, only motivating him to go further. his hands are so fucking big and he’s so strong when he thrusts his fingers up into you. it burns in the best way possible.

“ah- hamzah!” you squeal, squirming around. you whine when you feel him pull away from him; you were so, so close to finishing. you look up at him and whimper, a sad expression plastered across your face.

“didn’t want you to cum yet,” hamzah mutters under his breath. “not done with you.”

you flush red, his words washing over your body in a hot wave. suddenly hamzah is moving, pulling down his boxers, and god his dick is big. you can’t help but whine at how badly you want it inside you.

“so noisy.” he mumbles, lining his cock up with your folds and sliding the tip between them. you only whine more at his teasing.

“hamzahh,” you complain, eager for him to stop teasing you and just put it in.

“mhm?” he replies, edging you on. he strokes himself a bit, acts as if he’s going to put it in, but then doesn’t. he knows what he’s doing and you hate it. “need something, baby?”

he’s so mean, making you beg.

“I need it so bad, hamzah, pleeasee-“ you beg, desperate. you don’t care how humiliating it is now, you need him.

“need what, baby?” he asks, obviously only to get a reaction out of you. you sigh, but you know what you need to do.

“fuck me, hamzah. i need you - your cock.” you beg, no - demand, firmly.

hamzah doesn’t stall once he’s gotten what he wants. he’s done with the teasing, pressing his tip into you. you let out a shaky moan - it hurts a little when he slides in, like ripping off a bandaid.

“hamzah- hurts.” is all the words you can get out. his hips still inside of you, waiting for you to take a breath before he continues.

“it’s okay baby. gonna feel better once I’m all the way in.” he mutters, caressing your cheek with the hand that isn’t holding him up. he wasn’t lying - it’s painful as he slides himself into you, stretching you out, but once your hip-to-hip with him there’s a comfortable peace to the feeling.

you two lay in that position for a minute, feeling the warmth of connection between your bodies. it’s a soft, loving touch - you feel safe in his arms.

“s’okay if i move now?” he whispers to you, keeping a gentle tone. at the end of the day, he’s here to take care of you.

“yeah. thank you.” you say, genuinely grateful for his patience. you remind yourself that it’s his first time doing this too; you’re not alone in your anxiety.

you clutch onto his shoulders as he nearly pulls out, cock sliding out of you to the tip, then slams back into you.

“h-hamzah!” you whimper, clawing your nails at his back. he keeps a similar pace, thrusting into you deep. even hamzah makes a small noise at the feeling of being inside you, hips stuttering against yours. the sound of skin slapping together and breathy moans fills the room.

you wrap your arms and legs around hamzah as he continues to thrust into you, clinging to him.

“so pretty.” he says, looking down at you. “there’s a reason- fuck- i wanted to fuck you in missionary. pretty face.” he stutters, moving a hand to caress your face. you can’t say anything else but whimper at him, overstimulated from a combination of his thrusts and his words.

you feel a tight feeling build in your stomach, almost like a coil nearing its breaking point. you clench around him, legs beginning to shake.

“aah- hamzah! fuck-“ you practically scream, rolling your hips up into his one last time before you orgasm. he just stares at you, slowing the roll of his own hips, in awe.

you notice as his pace slows after you catch your breath, looking up at him almost disappointed.

“what’re you doing?” you mumble, voice worn out.

“you finished, i don’t wanna-“ he begins to ramble, but you cut him off.

“keep going.” you say firmly.

“huh?”

“want you to cum too.” you say, voice still soft and tired. you roll your hips up into him, still sensitive. he nods, pushing back into you.

he continues to thrust into you rougher and rougher until his hips are slapping against yours with every thrust. every little noise you make turns him on more, until finally, he forces himself to pull out of you.

he strokes himself on top of you, a string of cum landing on your stomach. he’s panting as he finishes all over you, painting your stomach white. you smile at the scene, enjoying the was he’s made you his little art piece.

he collapses next to you, laying on his back, catching his breath.

“glad i waited.” you mumble. he turns over to you, looking into your eyes.

“waited for what?” he asks, tiredly tilting his head.

“like, to have sex. m’glad I waited until you.” you mumble, tiredness apparent in your voice. hamzah thinks his heart melts a little at your words.

he grabs a tissue off of his bedside table and wipes the cum off of you so that he can pull you into his arms, dragging the covers over your body.

“i’m glad i waited for you too.”

[hobisstar]

still with you | y!jungkook x fem!reader

summary: being the most famous and popular youtuber and singer has its kicks. great fans, terrible fans, weird fans, you’ve seen and had them all… but this fan? you wish you never had…

warnings: jk is WEIRD okay he’s weird asf in this, male masturbation, stalking, jungkook is an idol in this, mentions of kidnapping, murders, yandere.

tag list: none.

note: i’ll switch from You to Y/N a lot. Bold and Line Through. Are Jk’s negative thoughts, more so the weird ones. this is a preview imagine of spooktober!!

“so who’s your favorite singer, Jungkook?” an interviewer asked as they, BTS, where doing a short little tv appearance. the question was, who is an artist you’d love to collaborate with in the near future, everyone had their fair share of answers but the one person Jungkook had in mind was no other than, Y/N L/N.

She was bigger than any other singer or youtuber out there, with 45 Million subscribers on youtube and millions of fans over the world, she was everywhere. She has done video collaborations with CoryxKenshin, Berleezy, PG, DashieGames and many more. She is adored.

Jungkook found her channel when she was a newbie to the youtuber world. He liked the video of her trying on different clothes from all over the world, room tours, decorating, gaming videos, vlogs, but he got more into her once he found out she did music. He had to be the first person to ever really be her fan in his eyes, of course. He loved her for a very long time.

“I’d have to say, Y/N L/N… i love her… style and her youtube channel. i’m a huge fan!” he answered happily. The crowded went absolutely crazy as he’s always talked about Y/N. you would think they dated the way he promoted her so much.

“Really? she is coming her next Friday for an interview! did you hear she’s doing a world tour, starting with South K?” the interviewer asked. “Yes yes, i want to get me a ticket the minute they go on sale..” he smiled happily and the crowd awed at his answer.

“I’ll definitely let you guys know when my tickets go on sale, obviously! That’s it for now, until next time, see you!” You smiled ending the recording and big a stretch. You are glad that it was just a little clip that you need to edit to post out later, but boy was it tough being a youtuber, you loved it though.

As soon as you got up you heard your phone going off profusely. You went to grab it and saw it was twitter and you were being tagged in a certain posted. It was a video of Jungkook from BTS during a, which you assume, recent interview. “ I love her.” is what a lot of fans were saying in the comments. It was a quote of what Jungkook said in the video. Instead of really responding just yet you reshared the clip saying “ The love is mutual 💜 @BTS_twt!” and posted it.

You’ve always been a fan of BTS! You loved everything about them, the message they were sending out about loving yourself, taking care of you, living your life no matter what anyone has to say about it, you loved it all! You never really knew that Jungkook was a fan of yours. Little do you know you wished you never knew that..

“Kook, you’ve been literally staring at her retweet since we got back to the hotel.” Taehyung spoke out with his eyebrow up. “I’m starting to think this is a little more than a fan thing. You have a crush on her don’t you?” Jin in also chipped in, pinching Jungkooks cheeks. The two were ready to start to teasing him. “ Actually, i do.” he stated calmly still looking at the tweet thing clicking on her twitter account.

“ Oh, we thought we had a chance to tease you… fuck.” Taehyung said as the elevator dinged. “ Well, we will see you in a few for dinner? jimin and I have a Vlive to do. Get some rest!” He spoked as Him and Jimin stepped out the elevator and walked to jimins room.

Jungkook nodded and walked to his room, taking out his keycard and holding it to the door to open it. He sighed as he walked in and instantly decided to take a shower. He went into the bathroom, started the water, put on some music, Y/N of course, and got undressed.

He stepped into the shower and let out a moan of relaxation. Jung let the water run down his body and he closed his eyes. Soon, a picture of you appeared in his head. You and him, together, in the shower taking turns to clean each other. He took his hands that was covered in soap and grasped your beautiful tits and slowly massaged them. The image of him doing that sent a shock wave to his crotch, which he tried to ignore.

Slowly the image started to get steamy, your imaginary moans filled his ears making them melt. Jungkook grabbed his hard length that was dripping from the water and his precum. He began the stroke his cock slowly imagining it was your tight pussy. He moaned going faster feeling himself about the release any minute. He never lasted when he imagined it, but he promised you, kinda, that he’d go longer, seven days a week even. As he cummed and grunted watching his cum shoot all over the shower walls and some getting on the floor, he saw your face one last time and it was you giving you a sweet kiss on the tip of his cock that sent shivers up his spine.

After, he cleaned himself with some warm vanilla with brown sugar and almonds scented soap, your favorite, he got out, dried off, and got dressed. Jungkook looked at the time and saw he still had an hour to spare.

He went to bag and took out his computer and decided to watch a few of your videos. This is his day to day. You are his day to day schedule. No matter what, he will get at least 5 videos of Y/N in a day.

Concerts were always fun! Making music was fun too! But once you heard that you would be collaborating with the Jeon Jungkook for a cover of his song Still With You, you were shocked! I mean less than A day ago, you found out that he was a huge fan, now you are collaborating with him?

You were currently in the studio rehearsing some of the notes when your manager walks in and says “ Hey! Mr, Jeon is on his way up! Just thought i should let you know.” He smiles and as your about to answer there is a soft knock. “ Come on in.” you say and stand up. Jungkook walks in and you almost gasp.

“Oh my you are more handsome in person.” Manager says lets out a little chuckle. “ I’m Tim, I’m her manager and that’s obviously -“ “ Y/N…” Jungkook cut Tim off before he could even get your name out. He couldn’t stop staring at you. Gosh, you are so beautiful in person. So small under his gaze. ‘i could take her from here, kill her manager and live off the grid, nobody would know. just so little…’

“ Right! It’s so nice to meet you, Jungkook! Um, you can sit here,” you point to the chair “ I’m gonna head in the booth to record these parts.” you smiled and took the paper in with you. Jungkook eagerly but slowly sat down in your chair. Watching as you put on the headset. Tim walked over and pressed a few buttons to make sure that it was recording. He put his thumb up and Y/N was in her own world.

“So, Jungkook, how long are you in the states for?” Tim asked leaning against the side of the frame, watching Y/N. Honestly, Jungkook hated Tim. He hated any that got close to what was his. He didn’t like it. When y/n did collaborate on videos he would report that video and thumbs down it. Even with songs he wouldn’t listen to it. He hated Tim because he wish he was Tim. Near her 24/7, being able to touch her, smell her, make her laugh, pick her outfits, take her to dinner, all the things Tim could do. He wanted Tim out the picture. Now.

“ Well originally it wasn’t for long, but then this opportunity came up and i wasn’t going to miss it for anything.” He answered plainly also staring at Y/N but with a different look in his eyes, Lust, Love, and Fear. Fear for you seeing him do what he was about to do to Tim. He didn’t want his wife getting scared yet. They haven’t even moved away yet.

“Yeah same with her. I’m gonna step out. I have a few things to do for a few other artists. Have fun and make a beautiful hit, i already know it is.” Tim smiled and left just like that. Jungkook let a breath of fresh air out. Finally.

Finally. It was time. Jungkook got up and took off his jacket. It was getting hot in here to him, though he knows Y/N prefers her studio cold. He went to the light switched and looked up seeing the lights could be changed to colors, he chose purple. Your favorite.

Y/N stepped out of the recording booth and closed the door to it and sat back down. You instantly went over your vocals and nodded your head liking how they came out. “ they are beautiful… perfect even.” Jungkook mumbled from behind you and pulled up a chair sitting a little too close to you. You definitely noticed it.

“Thank you, Jungkook.” Y/N smiled and stood up to look at a few things and Y/N almost wanted to run. The whole vibe was off, y/n could feel his eyes looking her up down since he walked in the studio. Y/N sat back down quickly and turned to Jungkook and forced a smile. “ It’s your turn! while you record it have to go speak with Tim about what to do next. i’ll Play the track when you are ready.” He watched her lips move, oh how he wanted to kiss them.

Jungkook snapped out of his trance and stood up entering the recording booth and sliding on the headphones. He loved the smell of the booth, it smelled just like you. your scent. Y/N put her thumb up and pressed play and didn’t even wait for him to start singing. She got up and left the room closing the door and taking a deep breath putting her head on the door. “ What the fuck was that?” you mumbled.

“What was what?” Tim spoke which made you jump harshly. “ FUCK! Tim don’t do that shit!”

“ I.. are you okay? you seem kinda scared. what’s wrong?” Tim read your face and just knew that you were upset, frightened even. “ Tim, there is something extremely wrong with… him.” she whispered while looking around. “ Him? Mr. Jeon? what do you mean? he seemed fine when i left.” He raises his eyebrow. “ Maybe you’re just nervous, Honey.”

While Y/N was in the hallway, Jungkook was done singing his lines and exited the booth, smiling. He wanted to impress Y/N with his beautiful vocals. “ That was… Y/N?” he said looking around the room, not seeing his girl in the chair. He calmed down and remembered that she had to do something. ‘Good, she didn’t run away.’

Jungkook sat down and waited for her.

10 minutes…

20 minutes…

25 minutes…

Finally, the door opened and walked Y/N with some refreshments. “ Sorry, the internet was a little slow.” she sits down and avoids his hand that he held out for the water bottle and placed it on the table. “ Let’s finish this for now so you can get going i’m sure you are very busy.” she said as she saved and downloaded both their vocals onto her flash drive.

“ Can i be honest with you, Y/N?” Jungkook asked while staring at the computer. She turned to look at him and then back at the computer, closing it. “ Yeah, of course.” she scooted back a bit to just give space. she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“ Im really… a huge fan of yours. I love everything you do..” he started. “ the feeling is mutual, Kook.” she commented and smiled. “ No, not in that light… Ever since i found your videos back in 2019, when you first started. I instantly felt this this connection. Like we belong together. I started liking your photos and videos everywhere and then i found out that you do music.. i just fell more in love with you.” As he confessed he was doing this weird smile like, he enjoyed telling Y/N his confession. “ Im in love with you.” he ended. Y/N was taken back. Her feeling wasn’t wrong. There is definitely something not right about him. this was it.

“ Oh, that’s so sweet! I appreciate it, Jungkook.. but i don’t know what you want from me after telling me that, I.. I feel as though maybe we just keep it professional. just two artists being friends yeah?” Y/N stood up and began to pack her things up. Jungkook felt something click in his head. Like a switch turned off. “ I don’t… i dont understand… You don’t… love me back?” he asked also standing up. “ Be friends?… what do you take me as? Do you like toying with me?”

“ What? Jungkook that’s not… i never did that.” Y/N answered confused. “ Oh baby don’t be confused. You said all those times you love me. You even twitted the feeling is mutual.” He stepped toward Y/N corning her between the table and his tall stature.

Y/N turned around slowly, “Listen, i didn’t mean it like that. And if you are going to talk to me, please give me some space.” He looked in your eyes and chuckled lightly. “ Why would we need space… i finally have you this close to me… i’m not letting it go.” He gently took the hair that was falling in front of your face and pushed it behind your ear. You leaned away from the touch and pushed him with all your strength. He moved back enough for you to get to the door with your bag and open it. You flew out the room the last thing you heard was Jungkook humming.

You walked- no you ran through the car lot looking for your car, all of sudden not being able to remember where you parked this morning. You stopped to catch your breath and smiled once you saw your car.

You pressed the unlock button and quite literally jumped in your car and locked the doors. You put your hand on the steering wheel and just thought about what all happened. Jeon Jungkook just admitted to being madly in love with you. You should be happy, right? You are terrified. He stalked you basically your entire career and has been in love with you since you started your career. You can’t be happy after hearing that.

You got it together and grabbed your car keys and put it in the ignition, starting your car and driving home.

You should really check your back seats more..

You happily went inside your apartment and instantly took a shower. You didn’t forget about what happened the few hours before but the shower just eased your mind.

Once you got out and got dressed, the pitch blackness of your bedroom comforted you usually, But it made you uneasy. As it should.

You got in bed and sleep quickly took over you but not enough, as you awoke to hearing your bed room door creak close. You were scared shitless to even get up, fear making your body go numb. You heard that same melody again, that now cursed melody of Still With You. Jungkook was humming it before you ran out.

‘oh my…’ you mouthed as you felt the bed dip and someone get under the covers with you and slowly wrap their arms around you.

“ Good Night, Baby~. Tomorrow is a big day for us. Our new beginning.” Jungkook whispered into your ear and kissed your neck softly before sighing and singing you to sleep. That same cursed song…

“언제쯤일까 다시 그댈 마주한다면

When will I face you again?

눈을 보고 말할래요

I want to look you in the eye and tell you

"보고 싶었어요"

"I missed you"

[artist-issues]

so here's something I'm curious about: God's Not Dead. The films, not the statement itself.

I first saw the first film when I was younger and I hadn't yet embarked on my journey on examining just what i was taught and what I truly believed, but I remember finding the film a little uncomfortable.

I saw the second film and Ive never watched the third, and I think what I really don't like the first film is how it bashes other people's walks of life (Muslim father, three brands of athiests, and how it continues the myth that Christians in The United States are being Persecuted for their Faith Right Now.

Oh yeah and how the plots are really really dumb too, since the first film centers around a philosophy class with a professor that is skipping a very important part of most College degrees and the second takes place in a Bible Belt State with a high school teacher answering a students question comparing Marting Luther King Jr to Jesus's Sermon on the Mount and being taken to court over it.

I was twelve or so when I saw that movie and I honestly was not convinced by the film That God's Not Dead (in terms of the actual arguments in the class scenes.

The specific Denomination that I grew up with (Adventist) focuses a LOT™ on the end times so I do know about the future persecution thing well but like, I don't think we're there yet.

Anyway if you don't know those movies, feel free to ignore this ask but I'm genuinely curious about your thoughts on them, wether positive or negative or neutral

Hi! I saw the first God’s Not Dead in theaters. Never re-watched it. Did not see the sequels.

The good thing about God’s Not Dead is that people worked hard to make something that might shine a counter-cultural light on the truth that the God of the Bible exists. Stories that try to point to truth are on the right track, baseline.

The bad thing about God’s Not Dead is that it took things that are real, and genuine, and true…and it made them feel fake. By telling the story with strange conclusions and weird-triumph moments.

The thesis of the movie, that God is not dead, is something that only non-Christians would need to be convinced of. But the movie is clearly made for Christians. So. Yeah, it’s uncomfortable.

But you shouldn’t find every experience that the movie tries to portray uncomfortable because they don’t happen. You should find it uncomfortable because they don’t happen in that cheesy, Hallmark-grade way.

When a student stands up to their professor and says, “no, I’m not going to go along with this, and this is super weird that you’re trying to draw this line about the specific Christian God,” guess what? The whole classroom doesn’t usually get up and agree with you. They normally barely react. So even though some professors do put their foot down and try to mock or “kill” God in the classroom, and some students do push back, no. It doesn’t normally happen in that victorious way.

Just like how some young Muslim converts to Christianity genuinely are treated poorly by their families, or their community, not just in America, but absolutely, certainly around the world. Absolutely, certainly. I literally can think of not one, but two examples I’ve recently heard of, directly, from people I know.

Like I said, the events and life-experiences that the first God’s Not Dead movie are based on do technically happen all the time in America, and the West, and the world in general. They just don’t normally come with crowd-agreement, impactful music, wise one-liners, and celebrity appearances. The worst thing that the God’s Not Dead movie does is show you hints of things that are real, and really happen in real life, but cheeseball way it shows you those things, and the caricatures it turns people into, makes the real thing look fake.

As far as “the myth that Christians are Persecuted Right Now in America” goes…you just have to decide what you mean by “persecuted.”

If you mean, are we getting our heads run over by cement mixers, or dragged out of our homes and imprisoned for studying or even owning a Bible, or kidnapped by hired hitmen once our families find out we’re Christians, like they are in Yemen or Africa or basically anywhere outside the West…no. No, we’re not facing persecution like that. We’re not persecuted.

But if you mean, in the context of this conversation, that “atheists and professors and people in the professional sector of our education systems don’t have a weirdly specific bone to pick with Christians,”then you’re wrong. They do. They have. For a long time.

My second semester in college, in my plain old World History class, the Professor legitimately opened his class by explaining to us students that if we wanted, he would allow us to replace our midterm and our final exams with book reports as long as we read two specific books he assigned us. One was a book about how Jesus of Nazareth was not the Messiah and the Bible was false. The other book was a fictional short novel with heavy themes criticizing specifically Christian religion. Those were the two books he picked for his students to skip taking the midterm and the final, if only they would read those two books. And those were the ones he chose.

Not only that, but literally in the first class, I remember being stunned when he flippantly opened his summary of the 18th century by saying, “If anyone ever tells you you should check out the God of the Bible, and follow him, laugh in their face. Don’t do it. He is the kind of God who likes to make His people promises and then strand them in the desert for forty years!” First class. Out the gate. Like it was a joke.

It’s not a joke. Dude just openly mocked two out of the three major world religions that people identify with across the globe. Explain to me how telling someone never to convert to a specific religion and to mock it instead is anything other than “discrimination?”

Can you imagine a Professor getting up in front of a class and saying, “if anyone ever tells you that you should check out Allah ] and follow him, convert to Islam, laugh in their face! And here’s one short novel and one historically inaccurate essay criticizing Allah and making fun of Islam; if you’ll read these, tell you what, I’ll let you skip the two most stressful exams of the semester!”

No, of course you can’t imagine that. A Professor who did that about any other religion, creed, or god would be fired or taken to court or penalized or dragged on social media, at least. But the only student in the whole room who batted an eye when he said that about the Christian God was me. The only one who said anything was me. And it wasn’t a big stand up, dramatic declaration. Momentous music didn’t play in the background. My friends and classmates didn’t’] gasp or support me or stand up and agree with me.

It was just me raising my hand and saying in a shaky voice with a red face, after the sixth time he’d randomly deviated from talking about the Roman plumbing system to describe how the Apostle Paul and the other Apostles supposedly disagreed about who Jesus was (big lie, not true at all, but often used to “discredit” the Bible) to say, “sir, that’s not true. It doesn’t make sense. There’s a verse in the Bible where the Apostle Peter literally tells the church that the Apostle Paul’s words are directly from God.” And then he was like, “okay, I’m going to move on.”

I mean I just felt kind of stupid because the whole class was confused about the interaction; nobody was treating it like it was as important as me or the professor was, so it felt awkward to “make a stand.” But rest assured, all over the freakin’ country, people are excited to use up way too much of their brain power and emotional energy mocking, disparaging, and trying to discredit the God of the Bible and Christianity. They don’t believe in Him, but they’re so he’ll-bent on making sure nobody else does either?? Like, I don’t believe in Big Foot, but I’m not walking around trying to barter my students into reading anti-Big Foot books by giving them a pass on their midterms. But that’s how lots and lots of “athiests” treat the specific Christian God.

That’s not new. It’s not dramatic. It’s not persecution. It’s alllll part of the same old song and dance.

But it is real. The worst thing about God’s Not Dead is it made it feel fake and caricature, when it happens all the time and matters 🤷‍♀️ Anyway. Hope that answered your question.

[multiplicity-positivity]

For context, I’m not sure if I’m actually a system yet, but recently I’ve been questioning if I might be and I’m wondering if anyone else around here has ever experienced this or heard of it happening…

I used to disassociate daily to the point that functioning was very difficult, but since I’ve been taking medication for other mental health disorders, I haven’t disassociated at all. At first I was grateful for that, but now I actually feel more distressed that it never happens anymore…I get so tired and frustrated with being conscious all the time that all I want now is to be able to take a break from my body and the real world if only a little while. Anyway, I was wondering if you or anyone else has ever heard of that happening?

Hiya! Healing, growing, and getting better can often be really painful and difficult, especially if you’ve grown comfortable and used to having symptoms that negatively impacted your daily life! >_<” We talked a little bit about our experience and it’s kind of dark, so we’re putting it under a cut!

Our system personally still struggles a lot with dissociation, but there are other areas of our life where we’ve made some real progress towards recovery, and we find ourselves having feelings that are really similar to how you describe feeling about not dissociating anymore!

We used to be collectively very, very depressed, with many members feeling suicidal often. As we’ve made progress in therapy, it’s gotten to the point where many of us don’t feel so suicidal all the time. And there are parts who actually genuinely miss feeling so hopeless and worthless, as weird as that sounds >_< Because when you’re suicidal, that gives you an answer. And if you’re struggling, you can always rely on those negative thought patterns as a way to cope and escape, instead of buckling down, facing your problems head on, and focusing on finding a solution. So in many ways, living life without feeling suicidal all the time is harder… but life has more meaning now! Progress and healing can be challenging and difficult, but it is still so worthwhile! Because we can have those special moments of joy now, when we weren’t really able to in the past. :3

So sorry if this isn’t exactly what you were hoping to hear, but we really just want to assure you that we understand where you’re coming from entirely, even if we can’t relate to not dealing with dissociation specifically! >w<

When you’re struggling, distressed, or upset, maybe it would be good to try and take some time to focus on yourself and try to meet some of your needs!! This could also help you rest, relax, and recharge instead of getting burnt out due to not relying on dissociation to cope anymore. We have a lil post with some self care questions that might help - we’ll go ahead and link it here! :3

We hope this helps!! And we’re sure that other systems and even singlets have probably dealt with this same sort of feeling, even if it’s not dissociation specific! If anyone sees this and wants to share some of their own experiences, y’all are welcomed and encouraged to!! :33

[catchyhuh]

What do you think they get insecure about (if anything)?

WELL! AT LEAST THE UNLEASHING OF ALL THIS IS TECHNICALLY YOUR FAULT AND NOT MINE 

lupin:

this is a point of contention among lupin fans. i haven’t even said what it is just the idea that lupin would have insecurities could be contentious BUT PERSONALLY, PERSONALLY, TO ME, he’s insecure about his… job. of sorts

not that he thinks he’s doing a bad job at it. oh no of course not that he KNOWS he’s the best in the business. and he doesn’t really mind all that stealing shit either that’s genuinely fun. enriches him. but sometimes, he sees people, good people, going about their lives, and he has this split second, barely cognizant thought of-- am i stuck here?

lupin can be whoever he wants to be and yet is stuck being lupin the third at all times. he COULD just change his name, his face, his documents, live life the way any person does, and really, who’d truly stop him? but, in his eyes, that’s just not feasible. 

the thought hits him one second and hes over it the next, but the small window of time where he does linger on it is… weird, for him. so he doesn’t let it linger. he shudders, dismisses the thought as the random impulse it is, and continues on contentedly. MORE than contentedly!

jigen:

this is really weird but… seemingly nothing. jigen is so apathetic, so set on being unbothered by the negative after seeing so much of it, that there’s really nothing he sees within himself that makes him feel… bad. and empty and miserable.

if there’s anything that could be comparable, it would be that “i should have done x” feeling. even if, when he’s in a better mood, he recognizes that a lot of times in those situations there really wasn’t anything he COULD do. there was nothing he could do to save that person, either from death or from themselves, there was nothing he could do to stop a bomb or a fire or any other unexpected destruction, but if he allows himself the briefest vulnerability over it for a moment, if he puts himself back in his shoes the day it happened, 10 minutes after it happened, he thinks, was it me? should i have done more? should i have done less?

like lupin, it usually doesn’t take long to dismiss. the two of them had a rough, late night conversation about it once, when it was just the two of them on the job, alone in the motel room. it eats away at both of them, in the tiniest of spurts, thinking about whether or not they were responsible for these horrible things regardless of intent. they went to bed, woke up, got back in the car and never discussed it again

fujiko:

i know we talk a lot about fujiko’s manufactured perceived coldness but IT AFFECTS A LOT OF THINGS! fujiko doesn’t doubt herself. her abilities, her priorities-- but sometimes she wonders what she’d be like if she hadn’t made the choices that led her to this point. not necessarily stresses over it, mind you, just. wonders.

i’m a firm believer (as is canon to my understanding) that there’s no one “reason” fujiko is the way she is. she just… is! fujiko is fujiko by her own doing. it’s an interesting parallel to put against lupin and goemon, who were quite literally molded into this life from birth, vs someone who actively chose it. and she doesn’t make bad decisions. she knows she doesn’t! but as a meticulous planner, it’s hard to ignore the infinite ‘what ifs’ rattling around in her head like they’re trying to win a cage match. 

make no mistake, fujiko is never SERIOUSLY entertaining the possibility of a world where she isn’t taking what she pleases and doing as she likes! carpe diem baby! you go for it fujiko. but she does wonder sometimes if she’s TOO good at this. is she letting herself have fun with this beyond just getting the object of her attention? is she going to be content with said item next month, or even next week? is she satisfied? the answer is a pretty solid no, and nobody knows that better than her. but… it spirals, on brief occasion. is she going to be content with where she is? who she’s around? will she EVER be satisfied? and… is it a bad thing if she won’t be? but, as you may have noticed there’s a pattern here, as she forces the thought back down into her heart as soon as it pops up

goemon:

i know everything with goemon seems to circle back around to his skills or his legacy and he’s MORE than that, of course he’s more than that but. he’s not insecure about much else. if you can even call it insecurity, it might be more like… a lack of confidence? there’s a subtle difference there to ME OKAY

he shares the same irrational responsibility fear that, when you think about it, likely all of them have (including fujiko, make no mistake) but he does take it to a specific personal degree. it’s harder for him to push that thought away, because… if it’s really something that’s concerning him, he COULD HAVE prevented it. he knows he can’t stop natural disasters and freak accidents, but he could stand in front of the gun, he could deflect faster, he could stop that person he’s currently fighting for god’s sake from slipping off the edge of that rainy rooftop. maybe they could have been better, if their life hadn’t ended so quickly. he doesn’t really delight in killing, just viewing it as a necessity and an important one at that. but he hates unnecessary spilled blood, and he’s said so many times

and unlike the others, he blames this solely on his physical ability more than his mental one. he’s not fast enough, not strong enough, not delicate enough, and he owes it to others to… BE all these things to the nth degree. he owes it to the gang as much as he owes it to the strangers that get trapped in the crossfire of their business

zenigata:

what ISNT he insecure about amirite!!1!!!!

this one will get very sad, very overanalytical, very long, and again very sad very fast. if you thought i slipped into misery with the others a little too much you have no idea what you’re in for with THIS motherfucker so let’s just say he can tell his huge large baby cow eyes are damaging his street cred and it’s embarrassing and leave it at that 

we good with that? we good (translator’s note: this means the author cannot think about this for more than 2 minutes without feeling an empty, horrible pit in their gut. unless you want to feel bad for the rest of the day consider yourself lucky you’ve been spared of this)

[florallylly]

side a: eddie munson

side a

side b side b: steve harrington

explanation post

just going to go straight to my very very stream of consciousness commentary about each song but i want to clarify that i'm an eddie munson is dirty and gross truther and also i hate that rat man (endearing). so yes it might play into some of my thoughts

some songs are kind of vibe-y and you can tell when my explanations start getting contrived and bad but bear with me. i DO have some specific keystone songs idc KEYSTONE i love the word ok anyway

“I” Black Sabbath; eddie munson you are a LOSER with OPINIONS we get it. like yes you are so persecuted by everyone sure you’re going to prove us all wrong 

“Heaven and Hell” Black Sabbath; tbh added to match with heaven/hell in the other playlist, but somehow it’s kind of giving munson doctrine to me. literally googled and supposedly it’s about like band kids (??) but i think just like “the world is full of kings and queens/who blind your eyes and steal your dreams” i can literally hear eddie munson quoting it

“Fade to Black” Metallica; UGH why are there so many long periods of silence at the beginning and end of these songs. but just adding to the eddie munson i’m so outcast bad boy drug dealer thing and like. had to have metallica

“I Don’t Wanna Be Me” Type O Negative; idk if anyone can tell that i think eddie is a big dramatic loser who thinks he’s the main character (endearing?) like I AM RIGHT… 

“skins” The Haunting; okay this song is saur…. like normal people scare me i’m such a freak coded

“Nosferatu” Blue Oyster Cult; a nod to Eddie Munson being a BIG LOSER NERD. ugh whatever honestly parallels a lot of kas theory fic imo, like innocent maiden steve offering his blood to vampire eddie … why have i read it several times over. in my head, this is like. eddie munson having a dirty dirty loser fantasy about king steve 

“Teenage Dirtbag” Wheatus; need I say more………. 

“The Sun Always Shines on T.V.” a-ha; yeah… YEAH. it’s a steve song on here. i like tried to do this thing where on each playlist there are keystone songs and this is one of them. like, the song that’s in the other’s genre is the moment they fall in love even if they don’t realize it yet. but re: the song like it’s so eddie having this realization that when he was picturing king steve, he only saw him through snapshots and now that he’s live and an actual tangible human it’s different. like  LIKE

“18” Anarbor; tbh i am trying so hard to add some of these songs bc they are so quintessential to me and my connection of music to fandom, BUT IDK…. ITS HARD…. but yeah it’s very steve harrington would never really want to be with me, i’m such a bad boy. okay….  

“Poison” Alice Cooper; eddie munson ur horny . eddie munson we’re sworn enemies like ur a jock and i’m a nerd and like could i light my cigarette with ur cock please please 

“Falling In Love” Scorpions; “falling in love, it happens to me every day” okay eddie munson i did NOT see u doodling hearts around steve’s name in the fourth grade

“Around the Fur” Deftones; i do not know why but for some reason feeling like steve still hanging around his old crowd, and eddie getting all weird about it. IDK !! does it not just feel so eddie munson

“Closet” Fleshwater; an interlude-y song here kind of an angsty moment for eddie 

“I Was Made For Loving You” KISS; SECOND KEYSTONE SONG…. this song signals the first time they sleep together. i am so sorry eddie munson but this music actually DOES give me migraines but i tried very hard  

“Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)” Deftones; eddie’s dreams about leaving hawkins and becoming famous. just in general his wishes to be somewhere he’s wanted and where he belongs. idk i feel like it’s eddie talking about all of these grand plans for his future and turning to steve and being like “and what about you?” and steve doesn’t have an answer.

“Covet” Basement; “you are everything/my most demanding dream” like like like eddie munson loving and hating that he’s in love with steve harrington who is hawkins to the bone and seems determined to die there. 

“Ghosts” Scarlet House; in my head this is eddie munson angsting after seeing steve hanging around nancy wheeler or robin buckley depending on when exactly we’re setting this. but it’s very woe is me i’m lost without you. idk it could literally even just be they fought and steve is at the grocery store chilling and eddie munson is literally frothing at the mouth sobbing in his van 

“Saturnine Saturnalia” VV; “there is no end to the hurting/i love you” saturnalia was a roman festival where they indulged in mischief and partying and whatnot. feeling like at this point, even if it’s fake, even if it ends up hurting me, i’ll take whatever i can get kind of feeling. maybe it’s like realizing he won’t be free of hawkins unless he lets go of steve or thinking that he’s just a stop on the way to a white picket fence. and i think that maybe this is the moment when eddie begins to realize how deeply he feels for steve.

“Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” Deftones; PLEASE LET THE MAN GET WHAT HE WANTS !!! FOR ONCE !!! he is out here every single day dealing drugs PLEASE give him a sexy passenger princess to come with him on deals

“Black Butterflies and Deja Vu” The Maine; ik it’s a jump scare but KEYSTONE SONG…. the moment when they admit they’ve fallen in love. this is their aha moment. their AHA! moment not a-ha… but yeah…. eddie munson finally being like wait i’m in love with steve harrington and idk for how long but i’m in trouble

the future holds IDK ... just this part took me this long so PLEASE spare me i literally wrote this out on my notes app

[bleachbleachbleach]

7/2 - 7/19/2023

It’s been kind of hard to get back into thinking about my WIP? Which is an interesting experience, because yeah, sure, getting back into the idea of writing (what are words? who are these characters even) is usually a challenge, the "rotating this WIP in my brain" part is not. The Rotations have been a part of nearly every day for years, up until I needed to get serious about writing my Train Fanfic. And now it’s been almost three weeks and I’m still… honestly just fixated on my Train Fanfic. Every day, still thinking about it!! Train!

I did have to write something for another fandom a bit ago, which I wasn’t initially excited about. It’s for a challenge I’ve participated in every year since 2010, and have helped mod for a lot of that time. As mod, I basically get assigned whatever prompt set we think will be hard to give to a regular participant. Friends, the prompts were Not Good, LOL, and I’m really a very one-fandom-at-a-time kind of person, so I was like, "but... this is not Bleach... I do not want it right now!" It was actually a fantastic writing experience, though—I loved spending time with my blorbos in that fandom, and the writing went really quickly; I finished in 4 hours what for Bleach would take me 12 hours to 12 weeks, and I certainly can’t complain about that.

I really love how telegraphic you can get with the writing over there, and how that allows you to slash away so much narrative, really pare it down, and let the shorthand stand on its own. I think it works so well there because if you write late enough in the canon the characters have these very rote, old hat experiences they don’t feel the need to narrate in full, and the same goes with their relationship to each other. I’m not saying that can’t be done in Bleach, but I often feel like there’s a degree of novelty to most Bleach experiences where like, some weird shit is going down so even what is routine can’t entirely be so; or they’re doing it in new company, or after some fresh set of circumstances that have changed the terms of engagement in either major or minor ways, or they’re going to have to remember to write a report about it later; and the POV character is often needing to take all these things into account. Which is also enjoyable! And I’m not saying my blorbos in this other fandom are static and never have new experiences lol. I just think they’ve perfected the art of distilling their experiences very efficiently, and/or being comfortable with giving less of a shit. It was fun to write in that space!

I also wrote a bit of a Bleach fic I started last summer, which I’d backburnered because while I’m interested in the character relationship and the general premise, I haven’t yet been able to tell myself why it would need to be a story. And without those answers, it just feels kind of gratuitous in a way that I don’t like. There is more of it now, and there are more ideas with promise, but also more elements that feel gratuitous. I know I’m talking in vague generalities. But it’s kind of like—I don’t want to do this character the disservice of presenting her experiences as smooth and soft and clean when they surely were not; but it also feels like to delve into the parts that are jagged and awful requires a really strong narrative/character payoff. Because otherwise I’m like, well, she deserves to have stories that don’t need to be told. So I still need to figure out what the story is that needs to be told, and why it would need to include these things. I KNOW, THE VAGUE GENERALITIES, B3 WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. I am talking about wanting to write a post-Soul Society arc fanfic about Hinamori and Jiroubou, which is surely the natural precipitate of a Soul Society Arc rewatch. It involves a lot of negative interactions with Gotei civil servants and the Gotei healthcare system, and how condor!Tobiume came to be, and a lot of suffering that, while 100% already extant in canon, just makes me feel like… if it’s all to be written out instead of something that happens behind closed doors, then it had better be worth her time.

But what I really want to finish this summer is finish Part 1 of my WIP, not work on this absurd Jiroubou fic!! I have no idea why I was doing that. Rukia has so many things to do in her chapters! Renji has a vending machine to encounter in his! There are alarmingly forthright heart-to-hearts with Akon to be had! Why am I not writing these things, and why have I not written them at any point in the last three weeks!!!!!

[lizard-shifter-noms]

Broken Bloodlines Chapter 10

———————————————————————————————

Part 10!!!

only two more plus the epilogue!

this Story contains Vore, Dont like dont read.

have fun reading!

and as always reblogs are appreciated! (Also ASK’s are open so feel free to bother me!)

AO3 Link for those that prefer the layout there; https://archiveofourown.org/works/44627188

——————————————————————————————————

“I am fine, like i told you i would be, you don't have to worry so much”

I let out a relieved sigh.

“Sometimes I can't help it, but are you sure you are okay?”

“I am sure, you keep asking the same over and over, my answers not gonna change though”

That was a relief, instead of asking anything again I just hummed in agreement before softly pressing one hand to where I could feel the slender form of the Elf.

Fable responded to that by shifting closer to my hand,  relaxing even more.

He really was okay with this, as strange as it was.

Well he had been the one to suggest it but it was still weird that anyone, aside from Robin maybe, wanted to do this.

Still, it was very late now and we should be sleeping right now,  but i wasn't keen on staying outside for that.

The shed should still fit even as a Giant instead of Ardua,  might have to duck a little though.

“Fable? I'm gonna move i don't want to sit outside all night,  not keen on getting stabbed by a drunken Guard or something”

“Alright, don't hit your head on anything”

I snorted a laugh, Fable was actually a pretty funny guy.

Well the brainwashing or whatever from our father had kinda worn off now and I had to admit I liked the actual Fable a lot more than the puppet like being he had become under the threat of punishment.

Slowly standing up I kept a hand over my pouch and slowly slunk back to the shed.

I could have offered to let Fable out of course, but I was tired,  He was tired and for once he seemed actually relaxed.

I didn't want to disturb him even if he wasn't asleep yet.

Nobody noticed the thirty foot or something Giant slink back to the shed and crawl inside, well the war was over and it was late,  I doubted anyone focused on the Garden right now.

Inside I pulled the insane amount of soft blankets closer to me and slowly laid down to use as a pillow.

If Fable wanted out all he had to do was ask,  but i was too tired to offer, besides he said he was fine with it.

He slid a little as I got positioned but didn't seem to disturbed by it.

It was nice that I finally got to know the real Fable a little,  though how was he doing?

He was used to being a some soulless puppet for who knew how long, and i knew that would fuck me up severely.

“Fable? How are you?”

“Didn't you already ask that?”

Technically I did, but now I meant something else.

Language was sometimes really fucking stupid.

“I well yeah but i mean, you were so puppet like before,  and now you're not, i just want to know you're doing okay now that your brain is yours again”

There was silence for almost a minute and I nearly assumed he just went to sleep.

“Donovan, my Sire always told me I needed to be flawless to make up for being a freak, I'm glad you didn't have to go through that honestly.

I spent my whole life trying to appease a man that hated me and tried to be the Heroic knight he wanted.

But he never saw anything more than a freak of nature and tried his best to ‘erase’ all those flaws because he thought it would show him in a negative light.

I'm glad he died, and I'm glad I came to seek you out. 

Meeting you and your friends was what made me realize I could be my own person again.

Who I am now doesn’t need to be a flawless hero because I’m comfortable with the idea that valuable people are also flawed”

While Fable only hinted at what he had to endure,  I knew it must have been horrible. 

“Fable that old fuck was stupid, Albinos are not Freaks,  he was an idiot for thinking that! 

I've known you not for long but I know you are a good person!

And there's nobody in the world that's flawless, everybody has flaws!

Just look at what absolutely deranged people live in this castle alone!”

I yawned before hearing an answer from Fable.

“You are right, i've just been so stuck in my own head i never really saw that before, but now i finally do, thank you for that”

I smiled, Fable had been right, this made both of us feel better.

I really wanted to hug him but that wasn't really possible right now.

Or was it?

I put both hands over my pouch and pressed them in a little.

Fable probably got a little squished but did not complain at all.

( Art made by @philicheesecake )

I held him like this for a moment, realizing how completely surreal it was to surround someone from all sides all at once, being able to clench around them and feel them inside of your own body..

I was snapped out of my thoughts by a strange sensation,  What was Fable doing?

It felt like he was sliding his hands over the walls of the pouch and I had to fight not to make any noises.

“Fable? What are you doing?”

He stopped for a moment.

“Last time i found some strange scars here,  i wanted to see if i actually felt them or if that was just my brain”

Scars? Why would there be- ah.

“Oh wait I know what you mean,  two scars right next to each other right?”

“Yes, one bigger than the other”

“Well those are from Rikaad, he didn't know either but he was freezing to death and there was nothing else to keep him warm.

I just didn't expect the guy to have a hidden dagger,  he freaked out and stabbed me”

Fable removed his hands from the walls of my pouch.

“That must have hurt, do the scars still cause pain?”

With how he said it I was not sure if he meant Hurt in a physical sense because I got stabbed or hurt in the psychical sense at Rikaad not trusting me.

Either way the answer was yes.

“I don't even notice the scars, don't worry,  but i am tired so maybe we should sleep already”

I yawned and had to keep my eyes open to hear Fable's response.

“You are right, it is late, goodnight Donovan”

“ ‘night Fable”

Pulling some escaped blankets close again i fell into a well deserved sleep after all the ups and downs this day had,  Fable a warm weight that reminded me that i didn't fuck up completely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fable just looked as his normally smaller halfbrother grew to about thirty feet something in height,  still he didn't move and kept sitting there as relaxed as he could.

He said he'd prove to Donovan that he was not scared and that's what he'd do now.

Besides, it had never been Donovan he was scared of, the only thing that scared him was his own past, but that was finally over.

“I was not aware you could be taller than me like this,  though i'm sure the Bracelet counts as cheating”

Donovan laughed a little at his stupid quip which in turn made him smile too.

“I guess so, but with all the bandages i can't exactly change shape on top of height too, not keen on bleeding all over the ground”

Fable nodded still as relaxed as ever,  really he didn't get why Donovan thought he could scare him, 

he knew now and there truly was nothing to fear.

Still they should probably move along with it or else it’d be morning again before they got anything done.

“Well, the night won't last forever, and I'd rather not have anyone walk by now, we should move this along, don't you think?”

Donovan slowly lowered his hand down towards Fable. 

“Okay, i'm going to lift you up now,  if you want to back out anytime say so and i'll stop”

Fable heaved himself up using the thumb that was about as large as he was to steady himself,  while his foot was better he was not going to stand on it.

He felt himself being lifted, a strange sensation really,  and then found himself in front of Donovan's face.

It was kinda funny, he could see every detail, the way his nose swung, the soft little fuzz that everyone had on their skin and his eyes which at this scale almost seemed more like light blue pools.

Donovan didn't move for a bit after that so Fable just stared expectantly at him, he did want to move this along after all.

Fable was brought closer to Donovand face, specifically his mouth,  and after a single moment of hesitation he opened it too.

He was gently slid inside when Donovan tilted his hand a tiny bit and could feel the warmth radiating from the abyss in front of him.

Donovan kept his mouth open for now, allowing Fable to look around a little, and he couldn't deny being at least a little curious.

He could see the ridged palate above him,  it looked strangely smooth and he wondered what texture it had.

Since Donovan wasn't doing anything right now he felt it was okay to gently brush his hands over it.

As predicted it was weirdly smooth while being bumpy.

Funny really, then he felt something at the front of his brother's mouth, right in front, or behind depending on perspective, of the fangs.

Oh, he knew what that was,  his Brother was only on his second set of fangs!

The third one being still not fully developed, how adorable,  Donovan really was still pretty young.

“You have baby fangs”

The response to that little line of Fable teasing was apparent confusion, well sure in human form Donovan's fangs were as big as his so maybe he hadn't expected to be called out on that.

The only thing that happened after that was Donovan slowly and carefully closing his mouth, didn't want him to keep poking he guessed.

So that's exactly what he was gonna do,  maybe then Donovan would move this along.

Laying limply on his back on the weirdly pliable and plush tongue he kept poking at the palate above him.

He felt things tip back towards the entrance of the throat and he could feel himself sliding a little on the slick surface.

His feet were now directly above the drop into the esophagus.

After a few more moments everything tipped even more and he slid further into the organic tube before a hesitant swallow sounded out.

It moved about half of his body into the throat before Donovan swallowed again, now taking all of him inside.

Fable still didn't panic, in fact he just found it strange,  well it was strange to be fair but still nothing to fear.

Donovan swallowed again and Fable was tugged deeper to his core.

He knew he was tall so he hoped there was no trouble,  since now he had to do it without the adrenaline from the battle.

There was another swallow and Fable could feel his legs being freed from the somewhat constricting flesh of the esophagus.

Then, in a rush he found himself back in the strange extra organ his half brother had.

It was how he remembered it, dark and warm,  slightly slick and stupidly soft.

He sat in silence for all but one second before he heard Donovan's voice.

“Fable?”

He could literally feel how nervous Donovan was,  the poor guy worried too much.

“I am fine, like i told you i would be, you don't have to worry so much”

He could hear how the lungs shifted as Donovan let out a sigh.

“Sometimes I can't help it, but are you sure you are okay?”

“I am sure, you keep asking the same over and over,  my answers not gonna change though”

A powerful hum vibrated around him then, before he felt a gentle, 

but strong pressure from one side,  rubbing against him from beyond the muscular walls of the pouch.

Soon he realized it was a hand. 

he cuddled towards it, smiling again.

Donovan stayed still for about a minute before he seemed to realize that he didn't want to sit outside all night long.

“Fable? I'm gonna move i don't want to sit outside all night,  not keen on getting stabbed by a drunken Guard or something”

Fable had a pretty good idea where he was going to go,  After all, the shed should theoretically still fit.

Though the door would be a lot smaller to him now.

“Alright, don't hit your head on anything”

He could hear Donovan laugh a little at his remark and he was glad to finally have his thoughts back in order.

Well, mostly in order.

He felt as his Brother stood up and quietly went back towards the castle.

He kept quiet the entire time so nobody would notice either of them.

Fable slid a little to what he assumed was forward,  Donovan must be leaning over then.

Probably the door then, He was proven right when he slid a little more around, this time to the back.

It was strange how a normally such simple movement could affect him like this.

Quite honestly he was tired as well, and he didn't really mind spending the night here, it was warm and soft at least.

Also he was very aware that if he did ask to be let out he'd be damp and cold, not to mention he'd have to move on his injured limb back to the infirmary.

“Fable? How are you?”

He really was asking the same question again,  It was nice to have someone care about him this much.

“Didn't you already ask that?”

He'd already told Donovan he was fine,  he didn't want to repeat himself all the time.

“I well yeah but i mean, you were so puppet like before,  and now you're not, i just want to know you're doing okay now that your brain is yours again”

Oh, that's what he meant this time, well that was a bit harder to answer.

Fable didn't even know if he had all the words to explain it.

In Auraurian maybe but Donovan didn't speak that.

Maybe he should just start to talk,  the words would come to him if he needed them, they always did.

So he took a deep breath and simply started.

“Donovan, my Sire always told me I needed to be flawless to make up for being a freak, I'm glad you didn't have to go through that honestly.

I spent my whole life trying to appease a man that hated me and tried to be the Heroic knight he wanted.

But he never saw anything more than a freak of nature and tried his best to ‘erase’ all those flaws because he thought it would show him in a negative light.

I'm glad he died, and I'm glad I came to seek you out. 

Meeting you and your friends was what made me realize I could be my own person again.

Who I am now doesn’t need to be a flawless hero because I’m comfortable with the idea that valuable people are also flawed”

He's seen it, all those wonderful people had flaws, and he finally saw that exactly those things were what made them so endearing.

And he'd seen how they help each other in spite of not being perfect.

Nobody could ever be truly perfect,  he finally understood that, so instead of trying to appease everyone he'd focus on just being a good person now.

“Fable that old fuck was stupid, Albinos are not Freaks,  he was an idiot for thinking that! 

I've known you not for long but I know you are a good person!

And there's nobody in the world that's flawless, everybody has flaws!

Just look at what absolutely deranged people live in this castle alone!”

Donovan was a good person, he was always careful of those around him and got angry if he heard how others had been mistreated.

He heard the big lungs working as Donovan yawned again.

“You are right, i've just been so tuck in my own head i never really saw that before, but now i finally do, thank you for that”

Well right now he couldn't exactly see anything with how dark it was,  but he'd meant that metaphorically anyway.

Besides he could still hear plenty well, the whooshing sound of breath, and the steady thumping of a Heart near him.

How strangely calming.

He was snapped out of that thought as he felt himself being squished a little.

He was confused for a second before he realized that it was a weird attempt at a hug.

Well like this he couldn't exactly hug back, but he gladly endured it.

Having the walls of the pouch so close to him did remind him of something though, had he really felt scars? 

Or had his brain made that up while he was scared?

He could probably find them again if he searched, so despite being a little squished he held his hands out and tried to feel for the strange dips.

“Fable? What are you doing?”

Ah, Donovan had noticed,  of course he would, all of this was him after all.

Even if it was surreal to think about.

He stopped, not knowing if it annoyed Donovan.

Maybe he should explain himself.

“Last time i found some strange scars here,  i wanted to see if i actually felt them or if that was just my brain”

It was entirely possible that in his fear his brain just added even more reasons to be afraid.

Donovan however seemed to know what he was speaking of.

“Oh wait I know what you mean,  two scars right next to each other right?”

As far as he remembered that seemed correct.

“Yes, one bigger than the other”

“Well those are from Rikaad, he didn't know either but he was freezing to death and there was nothing else to keep him warm.

I just didn't expect the guy to have a hidden dagger,  he freaked out and stabbed me”

Fable completely removed his hands from the walls around him,  which had now eased up a little.

“That must have hurt, do the scars still cause pain?”

He almost slipped and just called it just unfortunate, yeah, it was gonna be a while till he was fully free of his Sires clutches.

Weird how the action of one man could echo so far even after his Death.

He also didn't want to go touch the scar tissue if it still caused any discomfort.

“I don't even notice the scars, don't worry,  but i am tired so maybe we should sleep already”

Fable briefly wondered how old the scars were, but with how his brother mentioned cold it must have been in winter sometime.

He could hear another yawn, bigger than the last one and he realized that it must have been even later now.

Donovan was right, sleep was in order,  and tomorrow was still some time to do things.

“You are right, it is late, goodnight Donovan”

“ ‘night Fable”

He could feel his brother get comfy one last time and immediately fall asleep.

He hoped he wasn't too uncomfortable on the floor of the shed.

But he doubted that this was the first time this had happened.

Reassured by the rhythmic thumping of the big heart he also fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke to a beam of sunlight hitting my face, I shifted to try and avoid it but when I felt a warm little weight slide around on the inside of my pouch I remembered what had happened the night before.

Ah, that's why I was Giant and laying on the floor in my shed.

Fable seemed to still be asleep so i continued laying there,  I didn't want to wake the pale Elf up.

Concentrating, I could even feel the tall man's breathing, how weird.

He was definitely still sleeping, with how limply he lay there and the soft breaths it was very clear he'd also been very tired.

But I wasn't that tired anymore now that I was awake,  so I had to debate moving and potentially waking Fable or staying put in boredom and let the Elf sleep some more.

Well, I was a Giant right now, not Ardua, 

someone might freak out so I'd better just stayed where I was.

I lay there idly for a good hour basking in the warmth that having Fable so protected from the outside world gave me.

Then I felt Fable move,  still i kept quiet in case he was just shifting in his sleep.

There was more shifting, Fable was indeed waking up.

It wasn't long before he was fully awake.

“Good morning, and before you ask im okay”

Yep, fully awake.

And called me out on wanting to ask once again if he was okay.

“Mhm morning, let me look for a towel so I can get you out.

Also i hope you are aware that the Nurse is gonna get both our asses for leaving the infirmary”

He laughed at that, the sound clear as bells which was weird as usually things were slightly muffled like this.

“I am aware don't worry, though they are probably more concerned with how i got so far away in the first place”

He did have a point in that, speaking of.

“Yeah HOW did you manage to get out there? 

I didn't see a crutch or anything near you”

I grabbed the bundle of blankets I had used as a pillow and sifted through them to see if there was a towel with them.

“I think i'm entitled to some secrets,  besides as a Fae i can do a little bit of magic”

Magic, of course, what else would it be.

“Magic eh? You must be pretty good at it if you managed to do disappear under the medics noses”

I pulled a crumpled but still dry and clean towel from the blanket pile while Fable answered.

“I am not the best there is, but considering a majority of the population can't do magic at all the bar isn't that high,  aside from that the only thing i can really do is make light”

Make light? What? Like a lantern or what did he mean?

Maybe it was more like Oakleys glowing crystal?

“Make light? How does one ‘make light’ ?”

I pulled myself into a sitting position,  feeling Fable slide a little which he seemed to just ignore.

“Well, a Light spell conjures a glowing and floating orb or bubble, whatever you want to call it, and then you have light”

So it was just summoning light? 

I wasn't about to question further as I'd just get confused, 

besides I wasn't a mage or magician or even a wizard so I didn't need to know anyway.

“Well that's practical i guess, especially if you can't make a fire”

I shifted to sit so that the single sunbeam into the room was aimed at my back.

When I let Fable out he'd have to adjust to the brightness first and I didn't want him to have the sun right in his face then.

“Well water reflects light a little differently so it's not as effective as in dry air, but it's still better than nothing, 

and it doesn't get hot like other light sources.

I can show you if you want?”

Well I wasn't opposed to seeing actual magic,  especially if it wasn't dangerous.

Oakley said he could do magic but keeps being a prick about showing it.

“Sure, it's not something I've really seen before so why not?

Might be interesting”

I shook the towel out once again for good measure but before I could tell Fable to prepare himself to get out I could feel something strange.

I blinked, it felt like a bunch of feathers were floating in my pouch with Fable, was that the light spell?

Despite not expecting to see anything I looked down to where he was.

Weirdly enough there was a soft and very muted glow,  barely visible even.

To make sure it wasn't just a stray sunbeam or that I imagined it I lifted my shirt and revealed multiple softly orangeish glowing spots where my pouch was.

I had known that my pouch was closer to ‘outside’ than most of my other organs but actually seeing it was a whole nother level of weird.

“Fable I can see that, what the fuck”

He laughed again, the bell-like sound weirdly clear despite everything.

“I wanted to get used to light a bit before you let me out,  but its weird that you can actually see that,  though i might have made them a little too bright”

Magic was weird, but at least what he said made sense.

“Whatever, dispel that before anyone else sees and then i'll get you out”

I was not keen on explaining why I was glowing from the inside.

Luckily Fable did as I asked and the weird lights vanished.

“Alright, the light is gone”

I gave an affirmative hum before tensing the muscles needed to bring him back out again.

Fable seemed to remember last time as he kept still the entire time to avoid choking me.

He was out fairly quickly like that and I set him on the ground while holding the towel out to him.

He gratefully took it even if he somehow wasn't that slimy.

Whatever, that was a good thing seeing as someone being damp wouldn't raise as many suspicions as someone drenched in slime.

While Fable wrapped the towel around himself I used the Bracelet to shrink back to my human size.

Now he was the taller one again.

Also his long hair was messy probably thanks to me not to mention the thin film of slime.

I'd better show him where the washroom was.

On the way we could also notify the infirmary that both of us are okay.

“I'm assuming you want to know where the washroom is now?”

“Yes i do, but we should probably tell the Nurses we are alright”

Oh we'd definitely do that,  we did have to go past the infirmary to get to the washroom anyway.

“Sure, it's on the way so we can't miss it,  are you alright to walk with a hole in your foot?”

He was still injured and i didnt want him to make it worse by putting weight on his foot.

He'd end up in the infirmary even longer, and that was bound to get boring as unlike Nea they wouldn't just let him go around anyway.

He looked down at the bandages.

“I'll be fine, it isn't actually that bad,  it just looks like it is but it missed everything important”

What luck! Better luck than Nea at least,   hadn't seen hers unbandaged for some time but the day it happened it looked like it had been left in a swamp to rot.

“Well if you are sure, but if you need help tell me”

He simply nodded and I led him back to the big door and back inside the castle.

It wasn't long till we found ourselves back in front of the Infirmary door.

I really hoped they weren't to cross with us for disappearing.

I looked to Fable who just stood rigid and timidly knocked on the painted wood of the door.

It was opened in less than half a minute and as the nurse saw who it was she just rolled her eyes.

“You two are idiots, you couldn't wait to get discharged? 

If you are fine enough to pull a disappearing act you are fine enough to be on your own,  now excuse me i have to tend to patients that actually stay put”

She closed the door in our faces and for a few seconds we just stood there not saying anything.

Well then, might as well continue.

“You heard the lady, looks like we don't need to go back to the infirmary, at least for now, you should still have them check your wounds”

Fable nodded and both of us turned to go down the hallway.

“I will frequently let them check,  while it didn't go through all the way i'd rather not get an infection”

That was good, I just hoped he wouldn't take an example on how Nea handled half of that.

We reached the last door of the hallway,  the one that went to the washbasins and shelves with Soap.

I opened the door so Fable didn't have to pull any weight and potentially use his injured foot.

We slipped inside and closed the door again, turning around and I was greeted by steam and the smell of a lot of different soaps.

Aside from that it looked like nobody besides us was in here.

Good, then we didn't have to deal with comments about our earshape and whatnot.

I pulled my shoes and socks off and put them on the designated shelf so they wouldn't get wet.

Turning around again I went to one of the Basins in the back of the room and climbed inside, clothes and all,  to be fair they needed to be cleaned anyway.

“Are you supposed to do that?”

Fable called over from where he stood two Basins over,  hed taken one with a stupid amount of bubbles.

His green cloth had seen cleaner days as well, not to mention it was already damp anyway.

 “you have to wash them anyway so might as well”

I just shrugged and leaned back into the warm water. 

I did wonder how they managed to keep it at this temperature though.

Thinking about it the closer to the bottom of the basin it was the warmer it got.

Double floor with fire maybe?

Eh, whatever.

Looking over Fable went into the water as well and more than half of him was hidden by bubbles.

He sunk down until only his head was above,  man he must practically be sitting down to do that.

The Basins weren't exactly deep or anything,  just enough to comfortably fit a person of average height.

I debated grabbing a soap, one of the fancy ones for hair to wash the grime and sweat out of the tangled mess.

I decided to use whatever was nearest,  which turned out to be Lavender scented, eh not bad.

As long as it got the job done I didn't really care what specific kind I used.

While i used a stupid amount of Soap on my head Fable was using his fingers to untangle his own rather long hair.

Why did he have long hair anyway? Was it an elven thing?

I decided not to ask, this was such a little thing and frankly it didn't matter.

Besides, I kinda doubted short hair would suit him.

While I was at it I took off my shirt, with some difficulty due to the bandaged areas and tossed it out of the basin.

It was still within reasonable reach though.

I relaxed back into the warm water,  letting it soothe any aches I had from the battle or otherwise.

Sleeping on the floor in Giant form was not as comfortable as the Ardua one for sure.

This was also the first time I got to actually relax for like a week or so.

And what a week this had been, first my halfbrother showed up then Maringand declared war, then we fought said war and kicked Winton, and Oakley apparently can't die?

Well he ‘resprouts’ as he had put it, but still.

Also resprout meant he was at least partially plant right?

I doubted anything about that man would ever make sense.

I looked over to Fable who had sunk down again and still detangled his hair.

With it floating in the water like that it almost looked like white silk strings.

He had also tossed his own shirt aside like I did,  albeit a bit farther away from him than mine was to me.

We sat in silence for quite some time, just relaxing.

Well Fable was mostly busy untangling his hair for half of that.

Laying back against the Basins wall i lighty dozed for some time,  letting the warm water soothe the bandaged wounds.

How strange to think that the hundred or so pinpricks had come from actual arrows.

Also the slash on my shoulder from where someone had thrown a spear, that would probably scar.

I looked over when I heard water softly splash,  but Fable was just reaching for his shirt.

Then I saw his back, it was covered in scars, lots of them.

They kinda looked like he'd been slashed this way and that.

Or Whipped.

When he said he'd been ‘trained’ I hadn't thought it to be that bad.

But before I could see more Fable had already snagged his green shirt and sunk under the colored water once again.

Ah, so that's why he chose one with lots of soaps and oils.

If he didn't want anyone to see that was very understandable,  and I wouldn't speak up about it.

If he ever wanted to tell me I'd be there to listen,  but for now I wouldn't tell him to do anything he didn't want.

We stayed for about five more minutes in the water before both of us clambered out of the basins, seeing as my fingers had gone all wrinkly that was probably for the best.

Drying off we went outside again, with me holding the door open again so Fable didn't have to strain any of his injuries.

So, what now?

We could go see Rikaad, or even Oakley even if the latter was just for me to check that I didn't hallucinate or dreamed the entire thing.

Maybe checking how Robin was doing first was a good idea,  I'd basically just left without saying a word.

Though I'm pretty sure the Nurses told him I was okay, probably.

We decided to go out to the front yard for now, Robin was still in the infirmary and we did not want to disturb the Nurses or patients again.

God knows they'd get our asses.

So we walked past the painted door and went outside.

Looking around outside I spotted a familiar form that held crutches.

And strangely enough Rowley was there too, talking to Amicia.

I stopped where i stood in confusion,  one; Rowley was just out and about even if Nea sat near him,  and two; Amicia was also there and talking to him.

Shouldn't she be with Rikaad right now?

I wondered what the two were talking about but I wasn't part of the conversation so I wouldn't listen in.

Aside from that neither of them looked to be in distress or even unhappy.

Well if Amicia was sent away Rikaad was probably busy,  so visiting Oakley it was.

I would talk to Rowley later though, since he hadn't even known how the bracelet worked it was likely he didn't know some of the other stuff as well.

Nea still had the bracelet as far as i could recall,  maybe we should get it from her, at least before something happened.

I did wonder what would happen if I wore both of them at the same time though.

What if I set both to Giant? Would I be even bigger?

And what if I set both to Ardua? 

What if I set one to Ardua and one to Giant? 

I'd better not test it though, who knows how i could screw myself over with that, or if it even worked in the first place.

Asking Oakley was a better idea and might prevent me from doing something dumb.

“Donovan? Why are we just standing here?”

Fables comment snapped me back to reality.

“I just remembered that Nea still has the other Bracelet,  i think we should bring it to Oakley for now”

He nodded and walked as gracefully as he could with an injured leg towards the rather violent Woman.

I followed suit, Nea was rough on everyone and I wasn't sure if she was okay with Fable or not.

It seemed she was pretty chill as she waved at him when she saw us, good, one less thing to worry about.

“Heya lads! Nice ta see both of ye are fine!”

She had her chipper tone back, nice,  she must have gotten good news or something.

“Hello Nea, remember the Bracelet i gave you? Where did you put it?”

She didn't look to have it on her person at the moment.

She looked surprised for a second before she put a hand down the front of her shirt and pulled the thing out.

She handed it to me and I noticed that the metal was warm,  near body temperature even.

“...thanks…”

I held it with the least amount of fingers I could while not being suspicious about that.

I really did not want to think where she hid that or why there in the first place.

“Glad to be of help! What are ya gonna do with it?”

I looked at the thing again, it looked exactly like mine,  weird how they had found identical gems, 

or maybe they are both cut off from one big one.

“I'm gonna give this to Oakley,  he'll know better what to do with it than we do”

“Ohh right, fucker is back somehow, saw him not too long ago when he handed me some weird ointment for my foot!

Said with that it'll only be one more week instead of that half month!”

Ah, no wonder she was so chipper.

“Well we best get going now,  but I do wonder if you know what Amicia and Rowley are doing?”

She looked over to where the two sat,  just out of hearing range even for mine and Fables ears.

“Eh, far as i know Amicia apologized to the kid about the shit her uncle did and offered to talk about it, dunno if they still are on that topic tho”

Oh so she was already a thousand times better as a person than Winton would ever be, that was nice to know.

And I was sure having someone to talk to who actually knew stuff about Maringand would help him, at least a little.

We’d leave them for now, Nea had an eye on them and I doubted either of them would do something dumb.

“That's nice of her, we better get going now though,

 It was nice talking to you! Also you gotta show me how you use that big ass sword when you are better!”

“It's a Claymore”

I looked to Fable who hadn't said anything till now the entire time I talked to Nea.

Nea laughed and whacked at me with her crutch,  luckily missing as I sidestepped it.

“At least one of ya knows what weapons are called!”

I just rolled my eyes at her antics and kept far away enough that she couldn't just whack me with the crutch.

“Yeah yeah, sue me for not being violent or a nerd,  i'll just be going to Oakley now”

My tone was clearly sarcastic and Nea actually laughed.

“Heh, well ya can't expected ta remember what its called after only seeing it once! 

Now shoo i still have to keep an eye on tha two kiddos over there!”

She made a motion like she wanted to shove us aside and we left to go to Oakley.

Besides, I wasn't keen on her deciding we needed to leave and using her crutches to chase us away.

We went slowly through the foliage, always mindful about our injuries, maybe I could ask Oakley for some more of that teal stuff?

No, these wounds were minor, i didn't need it i could heal on my own, but maybe Fable could have some?

He was still limping seeing as he had a bolt shot into the top of his foot, he could use it more than me.

We reached Oakley's tower a bit slower than normal but considering the fact both of us were injured that was to be expected.

Luckily Oakley seemed to be there, at least judging by the clanking sounds of glass against metal.

Smelling the air there were hints of a lot of herbs,  The main one I could identify was rosemary.

Was he cooking? 

We went to the hastily built front door, which surely was not made by an actual carpenter, and knocked on the wood.

“Oakley? Are you there?”

There was another metallic clanging sound and a few seconds after that Oakley opened the door.

He cocked his head in that birdlike manner of his as he saw both me and Fable standing in front of the door.

“What are you two doing here? 

I kinda expected you to be stuck in the castle if i'm honest”

Well technically we should be, but then again we kinda pissed off the nurses and just walked out after that.

The only one that saw us was Nea and she didn't really give a fuck so…

“Well lets just say the infirmary isn't very happy with us”

He cackled at that and the sound of his laughter reminded me still of the mocking of a crow.

“You boys sure have a way with people! 

It's just questionable if it's a good one!”

That pretty much summed up a majority of all the interactions I ever had with people in general.

“I guess so, can I ask what you are doing though? 

I smell herbs, are you cooking?”

He winked us inside at my inquiry.

“Nah not really cooking, well kind of i guess i'm actually not sure as what exactly making Jam counts”

Jam? In all honesty I had not expected him to do something as mundane as that.

“Jam? What kind?”

Fable asked the winged man who grabbed a bunch of glasses from a newly built cabinet next to the firepit.

“Rosemary! One of my favorites even if it's rather unusual”

I had not been aware you could make jam out of herbs.

“I did not you could do that,  but then again that's not what we came here for”

Oakley stopped arranging the glasses on the table for a moment and tilted his head again.

“Well what are you here for then? 

You do have to tell me stuff i'm not a mind reader after all”

I held out the bracelet Nea gave me a few minutes ago and he carefully took it.

“Ah i see, im taking a wild guess and assume you want me to either keep an eye on this one or tell you what to do with it?”

I nodded, I already had one so a second one wasn't needed but I also didn't want anybody else using it for something bad like Winton did.

Oakley turned the trinket in his talon-like fingers,  inspecting every little detail.

Was he looking for something that set that one apart from the one I had?

I recalled that that wasn't the only thing we were here for,  I had wanted to ask Oakley if he had anything to help Fable’s wounds.

As i turned to the pale elf he was not there, instead i could see him next to the window where he was petting the cat.

Awww, and he did it of his own volition this time!

Also how the fuck did he get there so fast when i wasn't looking?

I doubted I'd ever get an answer to that.

While Fable was busy I turned back to Oakley who seemingly was done inspecting the thing.

He looked me right in the face and I was once again reminded of a hawk with the way his yellow eyes reflected the light.

He held the Bracelet up.

“Say, what do you think of the boy that had this one?”

The question admittedly caught me a little off guard,  Why was he asking anyway?”

“Uh, well i don't think he's bad,  but he really looks like he doesn't want anything to do with it if i'm honest?

And i really angry at Winton for making a kid fight,  He seems shy, which is understandable but it's obvious he'd rather be anywhere else than here.

He’s young so i don't know what he’ll be like, besides i've barely spoken to him considering i headbutted him into a boulder”

Then it occurred to me that Oakley might just give the thing back.

He couldn't use it, barely anyone could, and I already had one.

Though if he was going to give the thing to Rowley there was a LOT of explaining to do.

And a medical examination as well to see if he was as freaky as me.

Then the explanation would take a lot longer and get a lot weirder as well.

“Oakley, if you give him the Bracelet back you also have to explain everything you know about it to him, okay?

Oh also maybe take a medical exam or something,  just to see if he's as much of a hybrid as me or if he's somewhat more normal in the anatomy thing”

He nodded.

“Sure, I might need you to demonstrate some things though,  like shifting itself, oh and how the plants are supposed to be like! 

From what little I've seen of these poor boy’s they were not healthy!”

He was very right in that,  the plants on his back had been incredibly wilted, and not a single one of them had contained a healthy shade of green,  there wasn't even a single blossom present which was quite the opposite of whatever overgrown fuckery was happening to me.

“Yeah I can do that, just gimme a heads up beforehand,  oh also the second thing i came here for is to ask if you still have some of that Teal stuff? Fable got shot with a crossbow bolt and is limping”

Oakley spied past me to where my brother was engaged with the Cat.

“I think i do have some, gotta find it though, tell you what,  if you can pour the jam into the glasses for me i'll look for it! Deal?

So I just had to pour stuff in a bunch of glasses? 

Yeah that was easily doable.

“Sure! Deal!”

He pointed at the pot that was currently over the fire.

“Don't forget to protect your hands,  though you'll probably have an easier time doing that than me, you have five fingers instead of three and no wings that could get in the way”

He turned to one of the piles of stuff where I couldn't even identify half of it and began to rummage through it.

I turned to the firepit and grabbed the rags on the table next to it so I could grab the handle without burning myself.

Wrapping the cloth around my hands I heaved the rather heavy pot off the fire while there were a bunch of clanking sounds coming from wherever Oakley was.

Being careful not to spill anything I brought it over to the table where he had put the glasses and after making sure they all were right side up I slowly poured the gelatinous mass inside.

I did have to admit that it smelled good,  Maybe the kitchen staff would be interested in the recipe?

We did have more herbs than we could ever use after all so this was really not a bad idea.

Not knowing where else to put the heavy iron pot, 

I put it back over the fire where it was before and unwrapped the cloth from my hands to put it back as well.

———————————————————————

NEXT / PREVIOUS / OVERSIGHT

[orangesunsets12]

Letters for the Lonely and Broken (part 3)

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 2.5 // Part 3 below // Part 4

A03 Link

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Dear Steve,

I’m writing this after realizing that you didn’t give me a return address on your previous letter. I was mad at first, but now I feel like I understand you even more now. I don’t know if you can’t receive letters because of the army and all, or if you’re not ready yet. If it’s the last option, I get it. 

It’s been months since I woke up from my coma. Everyone tells me that they’re there for me, that I can talk to them, that they’re always around to support me. Yet, some sick part of me tells me that I don’t deserve it. I know that might be Vecna’s voice still ringing in my head, asking me if I was ready to die, making me face the guilt that I had buried for so long…but does it really matter? I don’t feel ready to talk to anyone, to accept help, and now I’m thinking that you might feel the same way, too. So, I really don’t blame you.

My mom suggested that I still write to you, as a therapy for me, I guess, and I thought that I would give it a go. So…yeah. 

She’s been doing better. Mom’s stopped drinking for the most part, she’s home more often, and she’s started to cook again. It feels weird getting a home cooked meal from her again, most of the time I ate microwave meals or your food when you would invite me over.

You’re a really good cook. Have I ever told you that? I know that you probably can’t cook in the army, but if you could you would shock all of your army buddies, buddies that I’m sure that you have now. 

Anyways, I am getting better, I think. I’m still struggling to walk for long periods of time and use my arms, but I can hold things really well now. Lucas has been trying to get me to play DnD again, saying that all I really need to use are my fingers, but I don’t think that I ever will. It’s not really my thing, you know? I’d much rather hang out with El. 

Did you happen to see her, before you left? Well, she’s back. Her hair was shaved again, but it looks pretty cool. I know that you would agree with me, you never had anything negative to say about her. About any of us, usually. You did do love teasing us, but we all know that you don’t mean it. You’re like a brother like that, all bark, no bite…it’s nice. 

I’m going back to school in the fall. I’m a bit scared, if I’m being honest. I’m scared at how people will treat me when I’m using my crutches, and will word get out that I was nearly one of the victims of the murders? 

I just have so many worries, so many questions, no answers.

I try to think about what you would say, if I told you this right to your face. You would probably say something stereotypical like “take it one day at a time” or “I believe in you.” Stereotypical as it is, it means a lot. When I walk with my crutches into that school on the first day, I’ll try and remember what you would say. You’ve always been able to help me, so I don’t see any reason that you couldn’t help me then. 

Again, I hope that you’re doing okay. I can imagine that being in the army can be rough, but I know that you’ll do well. You’ve always been so good at saving strangers, I can’t imagine the amazing help you’re going to be to others. You’re a hero, Steve. Don’t let anyone tell yourself otherwise, including yourself. 

Until next time,

Max</em>

------------------------------------------

Steve’s second letter arrived at her trailer three weeks after the first day of school. Max didn’t hesitate to grab it as she hobbled up the stairs to her trailer. She rushed to her room as soon as she had the letter in her grasp, flopping down onto her bed and opening it carefully, wanting to read it as soon as she could but not wanting to damage the paper. 

She smiled when the words <em>Dear Max</em> entered her vision, and she began reading eagerly. 

Dear Max,

I’m writing this to you while I’m on my way to the first war I’m going to face. I guess it’s a war, no one’s really told me what the difference is between “war” and “series of battles”.  I won’t get into the details of it, but it reminds me of when we were all riding in the Winnebago, when we were driving to the Creel house, ready to set the plan in motion. I remember the uneasy tension that I felt, the silence, the eagerness to go and get it over with yet the desire to stay…and now I sort of feel the same way. There’s just that…waiting. Waiting for the battle, waiting for the impending doom that lurked around the corner, waiting for the death that may come. 

But, right now? I don’t feel like I’m going to die. I think that I’ll make it. Years of fighting monsters has prepared me for this, I guess. 

That’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about; the fighting. I feel like I can’t stop. After the junkyard and the monsters we faced there, I couldn’t stop waiting for another fight. I had my bat in my hand nearly every night, waiting for the snarls, the signs that I would be back up and swinging again. Even after our adventures with the Creels, I just couldn’t stop waiting for a fight. I think that I’m so used to fighting that life without it seems…impossible. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.

I feel like that peace is impossible now. That’s how I know that something’s probably wrong with me. Hopefully it’ll get fixed, but I really don’t know how it will be. 

I just hope that everyone at home, in Hawkins, including you, can finally take a break from the fighting. You deserve a break. You deserve to live your life to the fullest, go to college, find your soulmate, platonic or not (and, if I can be honest, I think Lucas might be yours), get married…live your life in peace. Without worrying about the next monster, the next fight, the next battle that may come. 

I don’t know when I’ll get to be in that place, or if I ever will. But a part of me feels like I’ll like that peace along with you, even if I’m not there. Is that silly? Maybe it is, but it’s just how I feel. 

Oh, did you know that they cut my hair? Now it looks super weird, short at the sides, a bit longer at the top…I don’t think that I’ll ever get used to it. I’m still pretty upset about that, but I guess that it’ll grow back. But, now I have more muscle, so maybe it’s an equal exchange? My hair for more muscles?

We both know I can’t fool you. I’m devastated by this. I’ll move on from it, though. I always do. 

I hope that you’ll get a chance to read this, Max. Good luck with your future, I hope that I’ll be able to write to you again soon.

From, 

Steve

Max didn’t even know she was crying until she pulled her eyes away from the letter, wiping the tears away from her cheeks. She couldn’t help but smile, happy to hear from him, for him to tell her jokes even from so far away. Yet, she was still scared for him. War was a big deal, would he even make it to the next day? Would she ever see him again?

As she thought this, she noticed a small piece of paper hiding in the envelope. She picked it up, letting out a surprised burst of laughter, relief flooding her whole body like a breath of fresh air. 

I made it out alive, just thought that I would let you know. it read, followed by a quick smiley face, so random but meaning so much. Max knew that he knew that she would be worried about him, and that in itself was enough to make her smile once again. 

She read the letter again, reading about his confused feelings, his worries, and she hoped that he would get better. Steve sounded like he was really struggling, and it hurt her to know that she couldn’t really help him. 

“Stay strong for me, Steve.” She whispered, closing her eyes and clutching the letter tightly, “Please stay strong.”

Part 4

[kellodrawsalot]

Hey I want to answer this @archangelic-aeon​

short version: A lot of Sonic fans are just fucking weird, Sailor Moon’s fandom has excited just as long as Sonic and sells more merch, yet the bad part of that fandom was never as bad as Sonic.

As someone who has been in the Sonic fanbase for a long time I'm not saying this to be a dick

People have send death threats to Pontac, Sonic fans were setting up protest posters because the voice cast was replaced back in 2006, Satam fans build a life-size Sally acorn, Satam fans were trying to create fake accounts to pretend the freedom fighters were going to appear in the Sonic games, one vandalized a store because they were upset that Sonic’s arms were blue in Sonic Boom.

 and the less i say about Ken Penders the better,

every fandom has its problems, but I feel Sonic’s fan base is unique, as in too many adults in the fandom have a hard time accepting the fact that they might have just grown out of Sonic or that SonicTeam/Sega’s quality control on the blue hedgehog is fickle at best. Sometimes it also feels that many Sonic fans hyperfixate on Sonic that they can’t help but keep reading a comic they despise, because they barely read anything else  or they keep coming back to it because it has Sonic in it. (I can relate. I might have dropped the comic a long time ago but I keep giving Sonic products a chance in the hopes I enjoy them despite my gut-feeling warning me, I’m still hopeful, crossing my fingers )

The other big problem is, that with internet today, toxic fans can find each other easier, and they will enable each other, they befriend and support the negativity among them, and group mentality like that will often encourage one of them to keep going further and further. More and more people have unhealthy relationships with the consent they consume. They think they are being a ‘’good ’fan that knows what is good for Sonic the Hedgehog, when the truth is Sonic is making them toxic and aggressive towards other people. That’s a sign where you need to stop, that isn’t love that’s just poison. You are acting like a rude jackass because of a blue cartoon hedgehog. 

 But trust me, most people that dislike Flynn’s writing aren’t this weird. Toxic fans just sadly scream the loudest. I’just can’t stand some of his references, for example ahhhh and many other reasons but this post is already getting too long lol

[greeneyezblackheart]

I got around to reading slash’s autobiography and Steven’s as well. On my next list is Duff’s and all I can say is there is so much because it did have some questionable and disturbing moments

First couple of chapters were getting involved into the drug scene so early before the fame and then having sex at 12-13 years old???

The amount of stuff people got away with back then because that would never fly today

I liked Slash’s book the best. Slash and Stevie put it all out there, pretty juicy and entertaining stuff. Duff’s was good too, no less entertaining, but definitely more toned down. I think Duff is a gentleman. I may be totally off base here, but in my mind, I see Duff as being a total teddy bear. Even in his raunchy days of debauchery, my heart tells me he was the sweetheart of the group. I just wanna wrap my arms around his tall lanky ass and hold him lol. Hug him so tightly. Kinda why I feel like we’d be best friends. He’d be the guy friend I’d go to for help and advice. And maybe my personal bodyguard. And when he wasn’t protecting me, we’d be…

Ok focus, Shells. Seriously tho. Me and Duffy would be great friends. Maybe with benefits. He’d sing Teddy Bear by Elvis to me and I’d giggle and laugh and blush. ☺️ Anyway. I noticed that out of the three of them (Slash Duff and Steven) they didn’t rag on Axl TOO much. They all had things to say, but I can’t remember anything said about him that was TOO vile. So that’s good. Y’all correct me if I’m wrong.

I still haven’t read Matt’s book yet. I’ve heard people say such negative things about it. About some of the things that he said. I do know he was (or felt like he was) shunned about the reunion tour, so maybe he had a right to be bitchy, who knows? I’m looking forward to reading it when I’m done with my current read. I never disliked Matt. He’s not Steven, for sure, but then, who is? I think Matt is an excellent drummer. Much much different in style than Stevie, but still awesome.

I liked Slash’s book best, I think. I like all the tea, tho. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️ Steven put a lot of shit out there, too. That one story he told of him and Izzy and a chick sticks out in my mind. This scene here, actually:

Such dirty, dirty boys. 🥵🤤😮‍💨

But yeah. I can’t imagine having sex at 12 or 13 years old. Or doing drugs. Although I DID huff paint thinner a few times when I was like, 11 or 12. And I tried ciggies. And I got horrendously drunk off a few sips of some kind of weird nasty cinnamon flavored liquor once. My stepbrother and stepsister were a few years older than me and a bad influence lol. But hey, they’re the ones who introduced GNR (and 80s metal) into my 10 year old life. I am eternally grateful to them for that.

Sorry for all the rambling. Did I even answer your ask properly? 😂

[gerrbarrkmania17]

this is the sanest I’ve felt but I feel crazy at the same time.

I’m sorry but I can’t be what you want. I can only be what I am becoming.

I’m not here to please you. Come through my place of work with negative energy.. I just wish I could get away from you sooner.

I don’t hate you guys. I don’t feel comfortable with you anymore because I have changed.

Maybe it seems really sudden to you. Maybe you suddenly feel angry that I am different. Do you feel comfortable villainizing me because I have boundaries ?

Have you ever wondered that it’s not just became of you, because nothing is. Everything is a mixture.

I’ve been holding on for so long. I’m ready to let go of some things. I don’t even talk to my therapist anymore because it wasn’t helping anymore.

I don’t feel like the person any of you know anymore. I’m not NOT Greg… but Greg has been unsure for awhile.

This year made me question a lot

I’m tired

The level I’m on is quiet

I want to be simple

This is for me and I’m sorry but not everything is going to be what you want

I am not what you need. I am enough for me and no one else.

I don’t feel like I can be myself.

With you anymore

I never told you about the serious stalking crisis I had because I felt too ashamed

Nothing feels safe anymore

I feel safe with me.

I have thought about this for so long. I spent time scrolling through channels to keep up with everything going on and trying to be at events; but things just never worked out

I couldn’t go to the parties, I wanted to but it happened so much it was weird for me to be there

Everyone is already so close right?

I have become used to being disposable. I am not surprised by this happening

I can’t keep living on this old skin

You say you do care about me and I know you do, I don’t doubt it at all../gen

But do I really feel like one of you?

I haven’t been one of you for a long time, if you haven’t noticed

This almost feels like an admission of evil.. it feels wrong to say how I’ve felt

Maybe you view it as one because you don’t really know me

You never did, I never allowed YOU to know me.

My shield has never come down around you, and that’s for a reason.

It’s very odd what you are doing, I am not scared of your truck

The way you talk… I know myself, yet my sense of doubt, my ability to acknowledge my wrongdoings still goes off. I wanted to see neutrality and stars

Leave me alone please

I know I wanted to delete an app and I know the future is undetermined ..

Don’t demand answers I don’t have

I don’t know why I am who I am. I am not wrong for being this way. I seek solutions. I managed to be your friend for this year and others… let me go

I don’t know everything

I can’t express to any of you who I am

I’m Greg, a flawed person.

You have each other. Live without me.

Don’t make me seem sad or angry in your head because I’m not

I don’t know how to describe what I feel

Don’t demand explanations after I’ve given so many.

Growth isn’t always pleasant

I can’t be what you what because that not me anymore.

I was for awhile and it was real I was that person but I am not anymore

I’ve never felt like a version of Greg that is true. Shaped by what my environment demanded and what I could hide

I don’t need to convince people that I’m not evil, I know who I am and I’m tired of feeling like I need to justify that.

Maybe you liked me at that point because I was lower to the ground, comfortably chained down.

I can’t do that anymore

This feels selfish because it is… this is for the self and no one else.

I am being selfish.

I choose me.

[wednak]

Weddud Wednesday #5: A void we all try to avoid

Lol first things first, I wish I could claim the copyrights to that hilarious title but unfortunately it was a joke that I read a few weeks ago in the book that I’m reading. When I saw it, it immediately sparked the idea for this type of post so here I am, venturing into the void we all try so hard to avoid venturing into.

I’ve had a really long and somewhat stressful day, and I’m exhausted, so today, I don’t really feel like being teachy explainer Nn, I kind of feel like being genuine and vulnerable Nn. So I thought I’d just try to share without thinking too much about what I’m writing.

I can remember several different conversations that you and I have had about “the void” and all the different strategies we use to fill up the feeling of that void with things/people/activities, etc.

Before I read that joke about the void we all try to avoid, I’d never really thought to connect this idea of the “void” that you and I have talked about to other psychological concepts or ideas that I know of.

Cuz what is that void actually? Is it memories of past experiences and trauma? Is it negative emotions we don’t want to feel? Is it insecurities and parts of ourselves that we want to hide from others? Is it all of the above and more? Or is it something else entirely?

I don’t actually know the correct answer to this and somewhat doubt that there even could be one. But there are a few different ideas that have popped into my mind while I’ve been thinking about this for the past few weeks.

As humans, I think we all probably have the same foundational void that comes along with being a conscious being in this marvelously beautiful and tragic universe that we find ourselves in. It seems like a rather unlikely phenomenon that humans would respond to human consciousness, the knowledge of good and evil and the awareness of our coming death with anything other than complete and utter overwhelm and existential dread.

Life is fucking weird man. It just is. There is so much happiness and so much suffering and the knowledge of all of it is a handful to deal with on an everyday basis.

I don’t know if this has any scientific basis but to me it makes a whole lot of sense that once humans realized what the fuck their consciousness had just unlocked for them, our minds and bodies would work really hard to be like oooook, if we can’t unlearn this shit anymore let’s at least just suppress that knowledge back down as far as it can go so we don’t have to think about that fucking mess and become completely debilitated from functioning as a living organism.

So I think in a way, we all probably have a collective void that we really don’t like to think about. All of these things that cause discomfort, anxiety, fear, sadness or whatever reaction we might want to lump into “existential dread”. That sort of meaninglessness that we know deep down is at the root of our very existence.

Religion exists across culture because it provides us with a meaning, a WHY and a way out of the meaninglessness. That makes sense to me. And it also makes sense that everyone these days is losing their goddamn minds because we have nothing else to replace that anchor with.

Responsibility for children, a project, a job, a community or group of people is probably also a really good tool to help anchor us to something that resembles “stability”. Good luck bringing that one up today lol.

Marriage is probably also up there. Being shackled into a commitment that you can’t escape from, no matter how badly you want to or how badly you screw up. And yet we dish out divorces like they’re candy. Ahhhhh 2018 me.

We’ve pretty much eradicated all of the “effective” strategies that humans have used for thousands if not millions of years to cope with innocent Eve eating that apple in the garden. No fucking wonder that everyone is turning to fucked up coping mechanisms to deal with the void.

All of that is the collective part of the void that I’ve been thinking about. The part that we all kind of have in common.

But then people also have their individual voids that they are trying to avoid, don’t they?

The shit I’m running from, that is different from what you’re running from, that is different from what my mom is running from, that is different from what your dad is running from.

That part of the void is probably more like the personal shit we experience and suppress because we don’t know how to deal with it and so the only strategy we know is to stuff it somewhere where it is outside of our conscious awareness.

This is literally when I had the idea that the void could be what Jung called the Shadow.

Should not have been a surprise lol.

You have the collective aspect which is part of what he called the Collective Unconscious. And then you have the personal aspect which is part of what he called the Personal Unconscious.

Shadow is such a good word for it too imo. Because it really fucking feels like a Shadow doesn’t it?

It’s always there and creeping right behind you but it’s never quite with you either and it isn’t “real” enough for you to grab or get a hold of. You can feel it but at the same time it also just feels empty and numb.

This murky thing that always follows us no matter where we go.

Sure, if we face away from it, we can’t really see it. And if we try hard enough we might momentarily forget that it’s right behind us. But at the end of the day, it never actually goes away.

I think the thing I love about psychology so much is probably that it gives you at least some tools to deal with all the personal things you’re running from. They’re so different for everybody but on average, people can usually find something that helps them face whatever trauma or insecurity they might have suppressed out of conscious awareness. And thus reduce that feeling of emptiness and numbness that happens as a result.

Now the existential void is a whole other can of worms. I don’t know if that one will ever go away, even with religion, responsibility, marriage, children or whatever else humans cook up to try to deal with it.

“There is a burden that comes with this level of power. The burden of knowing. Or maybe the burden of knowing that you can never know. That at the end of everything, the only thing that is certain is you and your relationship with god or the universe or whatever it is you want to call it. Nothing really matters, and that’s why everything matters. Despite all the burdens, it’s the greatest freedom I’ve ever known and the greatest that life has to offer.”

I’ve tried so many times of the years but I’ve never really been able to put into words exactly what my life used to feel like before I reached that level of insight.

I think the thing that inspired me about the void is that it comes pretty close.

It was like I was numb and empty in a place in my mind and my heart where there should have been some sort of feeling. That a part of my experience of life had to be made unconscious for otherwise I couldn’t have functioned in the way a normal child or teenager is expected to function. But I had absolutely zero awareness that it was happening. I had so freaking little self-awareness in general because if I had had more of it, I would have been aware of how miserable I was and I don’t know if I could have figured out how to deal with that.This part of myself that felt unheard and abandoned, that should have felt shattered by the pain, rejection and inauthenticity I was experiencing.

But what did I do, instead I projected all of that anxiety, fear and sadness onto intense insecurities about things that the universe provided as an excuse and that I had a vague sense of control over.. having bad hair or skin, being too tall, being too skinny, … Looking back on it now, I can see that sure, I might have been a bit of a lanky, awkward kid with frizzy hair and bad teenage skin and those things might have fueled my negative self-image as I was growing up. But that deep-rooted self-hatred that bubbled up from the void every time I looked at myself in the mirror or in a photograph didn’t really have anything to do with my hair or my skin or my boobs. That came from a place so much deeper where there was an endless source of anxiety, anger, fear, grief and sadness.

Is it weird that thinking about the void in the way I talked about it today kind of just makes me feel better about all of that?

I guess it’s the realization that while we all have our personal shit that we run from and that stuff can be rough, there’s always an element of just having normal human existential dread to deal with as we grow up. And damn if you’re not given the proper tools to learn to deal with that, then that alone is already enough to make people run to the shittiest of coping mechanisms in an attempt to erase that void.

Pretty sure I was somewhat all over the place today and my thoughts weren’t structured as smoothly as usual but sometimes that’s just life and I’m rolling with it.

Maybe next time when it’s 2 am and I’m only half a human, I’ll do a Nn deep dive into what it felt like to finally open that void and realize all the shit that came pouring out. I always talk about how important it is to face all the repressed trauma and all the usual stuff but I don’t think I usually admit how thin the line is between getting a hold on that wave in order to ride it out and being pulled under in the flood of negative emotions.

There are days when I realize how easily I could have been completely drowned by it all. And then I’m not 100% certain as to what it was that helped me stay afloat.

People who are close to me always tell me that I’m too self-righteous. That I make people feel judged or shamed when I push them to become the best version of themselves because it makes them feel like they are falling short of some bar that I have deemed worthy.

There is so much to unpack in that which has nothing to do with what I was writing about and which I am also entirely too tired to do right now. But I guess maybe the unexpected place that this post has carried me today is this:

I hope you know that judgement is never my intention. This path of self-healing is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life but it is also the most painful and the most difficult thing and while I personally think it is worth it, I understand that there are real dangers to people opening up that door. I understand why people don’t want to or can’t do it.

And I think in today’s culture where personal development and working on yourself has become such a trendy thing to do, it’s really important to remember that a person’s worth doesn’t depend on any of it.

Alrighti, sappy Nn needs to post this and go to bed now before she changes her mind about being too sappy. Or at least more sappy than usual. Which of course she then followed by…

Non refert ubi es, ego semper tecum.

Nn

[radiodread]

1: I wrote a "controversial" topic in a multi-chaptered story this year, and for the most part it was well-received and I liked exploring it. But it also garnered a lot of negative attention and has made me less stubborn about always allowing comments from both anonymous people and logged-in users. From now on I will turn off anonymous commenting every now and then if I feel like it.

2: 22 or 23 fics? I think? 4 unpublished/fics that are still WIPs.

3: Can't think of anything that pertains to myself as a writer specifically... skipping this one.

4: Jujutsu Kaisen & Boku no Hero Academia. Pretty equally, I think.

5: See above, plus Given, Zelda (BotW & TotK), KinnPorsche, and NANA.

6: ItaFushi, TodoDeku, Kass/Link (YES).

7: It's always the 'brooding' ones. Megumi (JJK), Shouto (BNHA), Nana Osaki... 😌

8: Yes, I wrote a fic for KinnPorsche (VegasPete)! That was fun.

9: Honestly, the one that meant the most to me was probably the most 'controversial' fic I posted this year. It delved into some topics I've never written about before, it hit kinda close to home at some point. It was very interesting to write.

10: "always you" (Kass/Link) was a delight all the way through to write.

11: For me it's always the longest fics that are the most satisfying to finish because they took so much time and effort. So answering with the same fic as I did in #9.

12: God, I'm boring. Same answer as above, and yes I finished it. While it was interesting and a fun challenge to write, it was challenging at times because I had to imagine characters and their reactions, ways of thinking, and reasoning in situations they haven't even been close to in canon.

13: The easiest fic to write was one that I started and finished yesterday. In a single sitting, like, two sprints, 20 mins each. It hasn't been published yet but sits prettily in my drafts and awaits publishing on January 11th. Hint hint.

14: Shortest is the one I just finished. Longest was "it takes three" (linked in #9) at 53k words.

15: I'll recommend "double trouble"; it was fun to write, I loved the comic it was heavily inspired by, and the pairing is cute.

16: It always depends on the mood I'm writing. I like "Like Spinning Plates" by Radiohead for angstier scenes, I like "Doukyuusei" by Yuuki Ozaki & Koutarou Oshio for fluffier stuff, and I always bawl at "Sakuyume" by King Gnu when writing sad stuff.

17: Usually a fruit or maybe popcorn if I have that around.

18: All of them??? Half-jokes aside, "chasing feathers" was one I remember struggling with for a good while when it came to coming up with the title.

19: "The golden glow of the evening sun illuminates the living room where Izuku has decided that he and Shouto dance." [from here.]

20: "He exchanges a glance with his partner, and Link’s heart sings at the sight of those gorgeous amber eyes looking back at him with the love and adoration that only someone like Kass could express with a single look." (from here.)

21: “It’s your turn,” he hisses. “Go talk to him.”

“What am I gonna say?!”

“I don’t know! Tell him you like his shirt. Or his socks.”

[...]

“Here’s a hot tip,” Katsuki says. “Try actually telling Deku you like him instead of just staring at him like two fuckin’ creeps.”

“We are talking to him, though.”

“Yeah? About his lame fucking socks. How’s that working out for ya?”

22: “We’re all fine now. We’re… we have a good relationship.”

“And I’m so glad you do,” Rei replies. “If you’ll allow me to, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. To be the mother you deserve.”

Shouto hugs his mother close again, shaking his head once more. “You already are. You always were.”

(I'm a sucker for Shouto & Rei bonding 😭)

23: It might sound a little weird, but I ended up with a “Why?” in response to "I slept with someone else." It was so hard to imagine what person B would say and how he'd react to his partner admitting to infidelity. And it took me a long time and many paces around the apartment until I landed on a shocked, short "Why?"

24: ... nothing I can think of in particular.

25: I use Microsoft Word (yeah I pay for it like a fool but I think it's worth it) for the actual writing, and then I use the notes app on my phone when I'm not at my laptop to write down ideas, as well as a .txt-file I have labelled "ideas" where I write stuff down. I also tend to use a Notepad-doc for writing down sidenotes and stuff for a WIP.

26: Again, finishing my longest fic this year was probably the most satisfying moment. It was a tough one to write, too, so maybe that lent to it.

27: I probably did a little sitting dance?

28: I play video games, watch streams/YT vids, listen to music, that sorta stuff.

29: I would thank the people in one of my Discord servers; most of them tend to participate in writing sprints every now and then, and we also ask for and give each other advice on WIPs. I wouldn't have had nearly as much writing motivation as I've had if it weren't for them. ❤️

30: In 2024 I finally wanna kick off that apocalypse fic I've had on the backburner for MAYBE two years now. I just haven't gotten around to it because it's a little daunting. But maybe next year.

fic writer asks

What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

How many fics did you work on this year? (They don’t have to be finished or published!)

What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

What piece of media inspired you the most?

What fandom(s) did you write for this year?

What ship(s) captured your heart?

What character(s) captured your heart?

Did you write for a new fandom or ship this year?

What fic meant the most to you to write?

What fic made you feel the happiest to work on?

What fic was the most satisfying to finish writing?

What fic was the most difficult to write? Did you finish it?

What fic was the easiest to write?

What were your shortest and longest fics this year?

Rec a fic you wrote or posted in 2023

What were you go-to writing songs?

What were your go-to writing snacks?

What was the hardest fic to title?

Share your favorite opening line

Share your favorite ending line

Share your favorite piece of dialogue

Share an excerpt from your favorite scene

Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out?

What's something that surprised you while you were working on a fic? Did it change the story?

What did you use to write? (e.g. writing programs, paper & pen, etc.)

If you had to choose one, what was THE most satisfying writing moment of your year?

Did you do anything special to celebrate finishing a fic?

How did you recharge between fics?

If this were an awards show, who would you thank?

What’s something that you want to write in 2024?

[multiples-fandomswontkillme]

~Metal Family headcanons~

These are like my... general hcs)? which means I didn't include my main hc that Glam, Ches and Vicky are polyamorous, married and started dating after Glam met Vicky, and absolutely everything that implies for the kids and the relationships between each member of the fam. Maybe I'll make a separate post for that or maybe not! Who knows lkfwnlfqnf

Glam

Bisexual

Glam has constant nightmares and ocasional night terrors ever since he ran away home and is an active sleep walker. Ches helped him through the worse ones when they were younger, and learned how to deal with them, always preferring not to wake him up but being with him until the episode passed. Vicky has learned how to deal with them, though she normally asks Ches for advice with it cuz she comes out short sometimes.

He has PTSD. I bet it's diagnosed too, he takes medication and goes to therapy, it doesn't mean he still doesn't have his bad days anyway. He's trying to get better.

Glam has talked to Vicky about his past, his father and his family. This is a direct contradiction of Alina's confirmation that Glam doesn't talk about it with anyone but man FUCK THAT. We love good communication in this house, Vicky tries her best to help him, but there's only so much she can do to help.

Glam enjoys gardening, cooking and making models, he also likes doing his make up, painting his nails and dressing up in fancy, extravagant clothes even if he has nowhere important to go.

He likes taking care of everyone's hair, and constantly helps Vicky brush her hair cuz there's so much of it, Dee when he gets stressed over how tangled it can get, buys Ches hair products so he actually takes care of it, and chases Heavy so the kid actually washes, untangles and brushes his hair.

This one is kind of weird, but I refuse to think any adult in the family is unarmed at any time. Glam owns a taser and pepper spray. They're bright pink and sparkly.

This man cried his eyes out while watching Coco. He's hell to watch movies with cuz he talks and predicts what's gonna happen during the movie, judges them with scores at the end and all.

Vicky

Also bisexual!

Vicky's the one who does everyone's laundry most of the time. She prefers it that way since she's the only one that knows how to wash their black clothes so the colors stay vibrant. (This is based on my gf shaming everyone but Vicky cuz their black clothes always look so muted and almost gray, but Vicky's whole outfit is always the same vibrant black colors, so we decided that neither Glam or the kids know how to wash dark clothes)

She has anger issues, if it isn't obvious. I think she also has PTSD, mainly survivor's guilt due to her surviving the accident her brother died in. She blames herself and cannot bear to talk about it, in some sort of deep denial. If she can't remember, it can't hurt as much, right?

She has scars on the right side of her back and her hip, from the road rash she got on her brother's accident, she never treated it due to grief and it scarred badly. Apart from that, the scar of the caesarean section from Heavy's birth. She doesn't really mind both of them, they happened, nothing to do about them.

She likes watching boxing competitions, brawling matches and motorcycle repairing on TV. Loves doing BBQ's and going to the pool. Also an enjoyer of teasing her kids, kissing and loving her husband at random times, spending time drinking and bonding with Ches and bragging about her family and punching anyone who thinks they're not that cool.

Not particularly a fan of make up, skirts and dresses or any traditionally femenine-perceived stuff. But has been making exceptions due to Glam and Ches being unashamed of being seen as femenine, and actually rocking the looks. The internalized misogyny is kind of slowly dissapearing.

Apart from the guns she carries in each arm (I mean her biceps, have you looked at the size of those?? She strong) she has brass knuckles on her at all times. Glam gifts her new ones sometimes, she loves having multiple choices to punch people teeth in.

Loves horror, thrillers and action movies. Falls asleep during rom-coms and dramas. Ironically, loves gossip and talking shit about people. Enjoys hearing Ches talks about the gossip going on in the nursery home even if she doesn't know who the hell he's talking about.

Rest of the family under the cut!

Heavy

Heavy is a trans boy! He doesn't know his sexuality yet though, he's still figuring himself out. When he's older, i think he definitely dated some men but had better luck with girls.

Heavy has had innocent crushes on some girls on his class before, but they never turn into anything more cuz he's not the best at expressing himself. He follows the bother-the-girl-to-death-until-she-hates-you gimmick, and unsurprisingly, it doesn't work.

I'm sorry to break this to u but Heavy totally had an among us phase, and uses so much reddit and twitch slang... You know he does.

Likes bullying and teasing his brother to death. You know that when Dee had his first romance, Heavy was ALL up in his business being a tease and a bad attempt at a wingman. He means well tho.

He's not squeamish at all. Also has great pain resistance. This kid has picked cockroaches with his bare hands and loves cats, of course the cats have scratched him. He's tough!

Grows up to be the charming himbo he was always destined to be.

Dee

I hc him as demisexual. Kind of inherited his dad's tastes for the takes no crap, intimidating but pretty kind of people.

Can't cook. He tries but he can only do basics like rice, cereal, chicken nuggets or eggs. Complicated meals always burn or don't taste like anything at all. It drives him crazy.

Dee was a quiet and very well behaved toddler before Heavy was born. He never threw tantrums or got whims. After Heavy was born though, and despite the fact he understood his brother was small and needed special care, he started craving attention often and cried and got mad at little things. Typical jealousy of the oldest sibling.

The first time Dee fell in love with someone, he didn't recognize it was love at first. He just thought his interest on the person was born out of curiosity and aesthetic attraction, but as soon as he realized he seeked validation and companionship, that he liked seeing them smile, that he wanted to protect them, that he yearned for more time alone with them and that he wanted more than what just a simple friendship implied, it was an instant 'oh hell no'. He wanted those feelings to get the hell away, but unfortunately, they were there to stay.

Canonically likes MLP, psychological and horror anime like Death note and Hellsing, so I'm deciding he also watched Death Parade, had a FNAF phase, is very into The Walten Files. This guy enjoys any kind of specially dark ARG's and knows a ton of lore of real crime, unsolved cases, ghost appearances and other stuff. Doesn't believe in the supernatural, but sure is entertained by it.

He's a mess at romance. Flirting? His attempts at compliments are hardly flattering. Giving gifts? The best he can manage is jewelry and you can kind of tell he asked his dad for help. Dates? He's so nervous he's silent for most of it, but begins getting comfortable and having fun if his partner really knows how to get him down from his negativity cloud.

Ches

Pansexual.

He's very good with kids. He has the patience of a saint and he's laid-back, chill and fun but still is an authority figure who knows how to put limits. Sure, he's gonna let the kids light up a house on fire BUT hey, now they know everything about fire precautions, burns and how to treat them AND how to get away with arson. What an educational evening, am I right?

Due to certain info from the "Goodbye" official comic, I headcanon Ches as depressed. I don't want to elaborate a lot 'cuz of spoilers, but... God, everything related to his mom fucking hurts, man. How did he deal with all that?

Ches has been Dee and Heavy's babysitter so many times he cannot count them with all his fingers. He learned how to put those kids to sleep almost immediately (Sing Bon Jovi's "This ain't a love song" and any cheesy love song in a slow lullaby style and they're out), which movie were their favorite as kids (Heavy loved 'Monsters Inc.' and Dee never looked away during 'Meet the Robinsons'), how to console them after nightmares (Heavy needed reassurance, sweet words, and to be with someone until he fell asleep again. Dee just had to be tucked in, get his nightlight turned on and kissed in the forehead). He practically raised those kids along with Vicky and Glam.

More than once, Dee and Heavy have slipped and called Ches "Dad". Ches immediately gets his shit eating grin on and answers "Yes, son?" and does a couple of dad jokes just to mess and embarrass them. He's actually very flattered and surprised at how proud of himself he is for being a father figure to both kids.

Has a scar on the left side of his forehead due to a bottle his mom threw at him when he was younger, around the time he met Glam. He hates the scar with passion, it's a permanent reminder of the fact she never cared, that's why he always keeps it covered with his headband. Gets sad about it sometimes.

Ches likes to spend his time with a group of grannies of the nearby nursing home. He genuinely considers them his friends and gossips and hangs out with all of them on weekends. Bingo, billiards, walks in the park, soap opera marathons, you name it. I even designed them, gave them names and backstories... God, i just love the concept too much. I'll make some art about Ches and his granny gang FOR SURE, you're NOT ready for them.

Carries a pocket knife on him at all times. This man grew up on a bad neighborhood and absolutely knows how to defend himself, he can be intimidating when he wants to be and will pose a threat if needed. He's fucking terrifying when genuinely mad. Just cause he looks harmless doesn't mean he is, darling.

That would be all!