#losing someone to cancer quotes tumblr

[randogen]

Losing Someone to Cancer Quotes Tumblr "Cancer may have taken you from my arms, but it can never take you from my heart." "In the end, cancer may have won the battle, but love will always win the war." "Your light may have been dimmed by cancer, but your love continues to shine bright in my heart." "Though you may be gone, your spirit lives on in the memories we shared and the love we still feel." "Cancer may have stolen your body, but it can never steal the impact you've had on my life." "I miss you more than words can express, but I find comfort in knowing you're no longer in pain." "Even though you're no longer here, your strength and resilience in the face of cancer continue to inspire me every day." "Your fight against cancer may have ended, but your legacy of love and courage lives on." "Though cancer may have taken you from us, your memory will always be a beacon of hope and love." "You may have lost the battle with cancer, but your spirit remains undefeated in our hearts forever."

[medicinemane]

It's amazing how quickly you can make someone turn on your company by making a stupid and insulting move

Force me to go through the front door and scan my card when I have backdoor business that never needed a card before (what? ...I was going to somehow... sneak in and... purchase things with a borrowed card? ...which I totally can't do from the front door after scanning it?)

Or like... twitterify your layout right after your users give you a bunch of money just cause they like you, and then refuse to walk it back

...or all the other things companies do that just kinda piss people off and then they refuse to acknowledge maybe it sucks and is stupid cause "hey, the customers didn't leave"... yeah... yet

[blamebrampton]

Books talk to each other. Mostly because practically every writer is also a voracious reader, but also because books arise out of times and places and we share a lot of our worlds these days. So it’s unsurprising that several novels I have hugely enjoyed over the past few years share the theme of the antiheroine who is past all giving of the fucks. Naomi Novik’s powerful dark sorceress kept on her own tight leash in the Scholomance books was a joy to follow; Xiran Jay Zhao’s Iron Widow slashed her way into my heart and now Sarah Rees Brennan’s Long Live Evil has added to a list of beloved antiheroines that probably started for me with Becky Sharp in Vanity Fair.

Coincidentally, when considering how to describe Long Live Evil without significant spoilers, I realised that it shared several major themes with Vanity Fair. Young woman unfairly treated by fate decides to embrace her slut era to survive a war zone – both very accurate and wildly inaccurate for both. LLE opens with main character Rae in a hospital bed, teasing her sister about a book series they both adore. Rae is taking refuge in the story they have shared over years because it is one of the few things they have left: she is losing her fight against cancer and has been losing parts of her life, family and memory as that fight has progressed.

My personal hospital experiences have all been to do with major traumas rather than illness, which I vastly prefer because if you don’t die in the first couple of days, you usually start mending and you can immediately make plans to make the best of whatever you’ve broken. Rees Brennan, however, famously wrote a very funny, very horrible, ‘Kids, you won’t believe what shenanigans your girl’s been up to now, it’s only stage four Hodgkins lymphoma!’ post on her Tumblr or LJ (someone who has been hit in the head with taxis fewer times than me will doubtless factcheck that in the notes) about seven or eight years ago and then faced the very serious business of trying to live. The hospital scenes are painfully authentic, as are the stories of people who have left Rae as she slipped further out of everyday life.

For Rees Brennan, a loving family and peer group were there to hold her as close as they could. For Rae, only her beloved little sister, Alice, and Time of Iron, their favourite fantasy series, remain. They read the books together, remember adventures cosplaying and watching the musical, they wonder about the final instalment; for Rae it’s a joy she can still share (even if she doesn’t remember as much as she should), for Alice, it’s her two greatest loves. When a strange woman offers a door into the world of the book and a possible magical cure to Rae, she wants it as much as she disbelieves it.

Stepping into Eyam, the land of Time of Iron, Rae finds herself in the body of a villain doomed to die the next day. No worries! She’s thought and fought her way out of worse scraps than this in her past as a head cheerleader, let alone while battling cancer. She can use her knowledge of the plot to change things! If only she remembered more of the books…

Portal fantasies are common enough, but not all play by the same rules. This isn’t Narnia, where the magical world is more real than our own, for Rae, the world of the book is nothing more a tool to get her hands on the cure. She doesn’t need to care about any of these people, they’re not real. Most of them speak in a formal language that relies on the conventions of fantasy literature (there is an ongoing, warm-hearted skewering of all Game of Thrones-esque texts running through both the story and the in-text ‘quotes’ from Time of Iron) and half the characters are known more by their descriptions rather than their names. So she will play the Beauty Dipped in Blood, with her questionable morals, impractical clothes and centre-of-balance-distorting boobs for the weeks that will pass until the cure is available. Whoever she has to shuffle in the plot to secure a place beside that cure, she will shuffle. While she’s not out to kill anyone, it’s not as though they were ever really alive. Not like her. If she has to be the villain to survive, she will be an impeccable one. The people will cheer evil on!

Obviously, little goes to plan. Rae’s illness has taught her cruelty, but she hasn’t forgotten what it is to be kind. Even as she manipulates her role into ongoing main character, she realises that’s not how anyone gets a happy ending. That’s not how she can live with herself. As she comes to think of the other people in the story as real, they become more so, both in how we read them and in how they impact the story. Rae remembers what it is like to make friends, which she never meant to, but, oh, the luxury after years of watching people slip away!

As in previous novel In Other Lands, Rees Brennan has a long list of fantasy tropes to embrace and undermine, and her deft touch with humour is as evident as ever here, but her publishers call this her first adult novel and there is a shift in tone from her previous works. Anger is more real and lasting. Consequences are more significant. Understanding is reached for, even if it’s bitter. One of my favourite things is that she lets her female characters rage, but never judges those who can’t, whether because they’re too powerless or just too tired, and her male characters are allowed to be people if they choose to be — which all but the most vainglorious do.

I hadn’t paid much attention beyond checking the release date for the book, so didn’t realise it was the first in a series. For me, it worked perfectly as a standalone novel, even with the unended threads, which would have perfectly balanced Rae’s unfinished life. That said, I am very happy to know we will spend more time with these characters in the future. I want more. I do want to know if there is a hope for Rae, if this is the fever dream of a fading life, if this is the story Alice has told to ease her sister from the world or something else. There are a dozen characters I hope for, at least three happy endings that would bring joy. But don’t wait for the next books: sink your teeth into this one and believe what it says about the importance of listening to stories rather than just falling in love with characters. Though if you find yourself cheering on Rae, or her servant Emer, the elusive Eric, Horrible Hortensia or almost any of the others, I am the last person who will judge you.

[thepoetoaster]

Totally… some of the minor troubles I experienced while in PA include getting a flat tire, losing my debit card, and a nasty, lying Airbnb host. And just being very emotional, thanks cancer season. Just to keep it real & share some of my problems, so you know no one has it perfect. But, through it all I keep a sense of humor because I know it’s all temporary and the chaos never lasts forever… If you can laugh at these situations and not take life so seriously it makes life so much easier. Like “putting the hot in hot mess” 🤪 Don’t sweat the small stuff. I know things could be so much worse and that makes me grateful for all I have. I’m alive, I have a roof over my head, a place to sleep, some food and a steady income. Everything will else will work itself out, it already is :-) Contrast makes you more clear on what you DO want. Well, just try to find the joy & humor in life, no matter what you’re going through. Life is short, enjoy it while you can, rarely are things ever 100% “perfect” anyways, no matter how good people are at faking it on social media, so never compare yourself to someone else, you never really know what’s going on, everyone struggles with something. That’s why kindness is so important, and to lend an extra hand if you’ve got one. ❤️ #writing #writer #poetry #art #spiritual #spirituality #joy #channeled #meditation #quotes #inspiration #inspirational #inspirationalquotes #gratitude #goodvibes #manifestation #abundance #lawofattraction #humor #laughter #poetry (at Allentown) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRR8hmAL1EN/?utm_medium=tumblr

[sebthesnipe]

The Dreamer by Whatwashernameagain an Analysis? Chapter 2! Part 4

All portions:

Chapter 1: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

Chapter 2: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

The Dreamer

@whatwashernameagain

As always, Spoilers under cut.

 Warning: Mentions of abuse, kinks... other stuff... Idk I’m too tired. 

Jumping right in where we left off. Eva writes about the Dreamer’s organization growing practically overnight and the amount of publicity he had to go through; she talks about interviews, photo shoots, calendars and merchandise. It pulls the attention back from the good vs. evil and the moral debate we discussed in the previous portion of this analysis and reminds us that while Logan and Roman are at opposite ends and fight for morality (whether misguided or not); the organization that was created for the Dreamer is not concerned with those things. No, they are they are there for profit and power; both of which is provided by the Dreamer. This is no doubt exactly what Roman’s father was hoping for when he mutilated and tortured his son into being the ‘symbol of hope’ that he is now.

Our attention is also brought back to the fact that despite his love for the spotlight, Roman is a man of action when it comes to protecting others. It is pointed out that Roman ‘found the publicity work hard to bear at first’ (Whatwashernameagain). After all the time he spent changing himself, putting himself though such agonizing pain, he is found, once again, waiting. The photos the interviews, they are excused by his team explaining that that was how you saved the world in such a media driven society…. Well…. Honestly this kind of pisses me off lol. Because, the reality of it is… That that is partially true. Granted, the cure for cancer isn’t going to be found through Facebook posts… But the publicity can cause enough financial support to fund the research that leads to its discovery.  Take Myllena Braz da Silva and Gabriel Martins, two Brazilian students who despite being a part of a less than booming town discovered a way to make new drugs that cost less money and time which could save millions of lives that are loss due to Zika (and they were High School students at the time!) but because they didn’t present this information in an attractive way or to enough people their work has pretty much been overlooked (“Abstract Search.”). It just goes to show you how much this world relies on the media and dramatizations.

I suppose the thing that upsets me the most is the line: “Chastised, Roman had deferred to their expertise” (Whatwashernameagain). This line is perfect here. After feeding Roman the lines about the necessity of social media despite Roman knowing at this core that he needed to act rather than make money for someone else, he reminds himself that these people know more than he does, that he is lessor than they in some way. It reminds the reader that despite his strength and his morals, Roman is still, at his core, an insecure child.

We are also once again, presented with the contrast between he and Logan. Roman mention Instagram and Twitter; places that are used to display yourself but are not very good means of communicating between him and his fans/supporters. While the Utilitarianist is mentioned using Discord and Tumblr; two social media platforms that are highly influenced by the people who contribute to them. Discord allows direct conversations between individuals and Tumblr allows for messaging, asks, etc. It is a subtle difference but one I quite enjoy.

Roman also mentions the was Logan’s groups ‘doing his dirty work, popped up all over the web like toxic mushrooms’ (Whatwashernameagain). Eva always has a way with metaphors. I think that Logan would have both good and bad things to say about this, however. Firstly, I think he would understand that Roman meant this as an insult. Secondly, he would probably not hesitated to point out to the incompetent man that there are some species of toxic mushrooms that theoretically produce billions of compounds through 1 molecular assembly line and can precisely target cells inside the human body and thusly can offer potential medicinal purposes which can lead to new medicines (“Do Poisonous Mushrooms Have a Pharmaceutical Purpose?”). Afterall many cyclic peptides are already known to be important drugs against things such as tuberculosis Staphylococcus, and even cancer (“Do Poisonous Mushrooms Have a Pharmaceutical Purpose?”). So, once again, Logan maybe viewed as bad (just as this toxic mushroom metaphor is) but he might be the medicine this world truly needs (at least… according to him).

“Tirelessly, he tried to remind the world of what mattered, using bold words to paint a bright and colorful picture of the future he truly believed in. A future of unity. They mustn’t lose sight of what mattered – standing together, fighting the hate the Utilitarianist spread with his extremism that called to simple solutions. To violence. Being kind was harder, almost impossibly hard, but Roman would not lose himself in hate, and he knew his fellow Americans wouldn’t either. Breaking the law and turning to murder would not save the planet, it would turn them into monsters” (Whatwashernameagain).

I would like to say that I only want to touch on this para briefly… but let’s be honest, I am rarely brief about anything. Most of what I am about to say is opinion. I have no facts or quotes to back me up on this; everything is simply my experience. Roman brings to light something I tell people all the time, though I am usually ignored. Actually, the question I get most often when people find out that I use to be Law Enforcement is generally ‘You seem to nice/kind to have been a cop’. I usually counter with a ‘you don’t know enough cops’… But when you really get down to it, I think there is a number of reasons people believe that; though I’m not going to get into the political ones. No, the one I want to focus on is hatred. I’ve seen a lot of it. I’ve seen what a person can do to another in the name of hatred. I’ve witnessed it firsthand… been on the receiving end of it…. Watched co-workers, friends, family… be eaten away by it. Here is the truth: hatred is a virus that lays dormant in us all. It is already a part of us, whether we know it or not. Once it is activated but whatever means… it grows and if we let it, it consumes us… If that hatred is seen by or directed towards another it is possible that the hatred that lies dormant inside them is activated…. From there it spreads… like an epidemic… Only epidemics have a cure… Hatred never goes away permanently. It is apart of us. If it is ‘cured’ the virus is still there, it is merely reverted back to its dormant stage… waiting for another chance to be activated.

I’ve watched it spread and spread… even when I was very little and I told myself that ‘that won’t be me’ but… hatred exists in all of us. So, what’s the ‘cure’ that will revert hatred back to its dormant state? Choice. Roman is right… Kindness is so much harder because it is not engrained in us… it is taught… whether by someone else or self-taught. Kindness is a choice. Happiness is a choice… I mentioned the effect of our thoughts on the outer world during Chapter 1. We choose out thoughts, we choose the effect we want to have, we choose kindness. Don’t the person who treated you poorly, pity them… What kind of sad life must they have lived to feel that it is acceptable to treat someone like they do… Or what kind of emotional baggage do they carry that makes them crave the feeling of hatred over numbness… Pity them… They’ve obvious lived a horrible life. Reach out a hand… Who knows… Maybe you’ll save a life rather than ruining on. You don’t have to forgive them… Some times you can’t… but you can be kind without forgiveness.

This of course, is all more difficult than it sounds and it took me years to manage it but it is true and possible. Hatred can be combatted with kindness. Forgiveness comes in time. Help those that hate you; they are misguided. In the end, hatred harms yourself more than others.

Okay… I think I might need to move on…. Ready for some whiplash?

“Even as Roman got to shake the hand of the president, he felt he was not doing enough. He should be out there, fighting harder.

Even after chasing him for almost a year now, Roman felt those things as strongly as ever. He was right, gosh darn it! How could this irritating man not see the merit of a peaceful solution? Who didn’t want peace?!” (Whatwashernameagain)

Poor poor Roman. I love him so much. The poor baby is obviously still having trouble with patience… or rather not-acting. The first line is a reminder that Roman is never enough for himself. He always has to be better, has to do better. I… can understand that. Perhaps if he ever considers himself enough for his father than he might consider himself enough for himself… but he never will be, will he? Enough for his father I mean…

But that revolution I mentioned at the beginning of Chapter 2 analysis is starting to rear its beautiful head. We see Roman starting to get more antsy than ever. Despite the reminder that he considers his team ‘wiser’ when it comes to these things, it is obvious that those thoughts are starting to wear thin. We see Roman’s exasperation grow with the frustrated tones of the last few sentences.

Though his frustration isn’t just directed towards himself and his team but towards the Utilitarianist as well. Roman has proven (as I covered in the last section of the analysis) that he believes all people are inherently good. So, you can imagine his frustration at the fact that his actions towards Logan lead nowhere. The catch is, we know Logan is good at heart and that Roman is as well; they just don’t know that about the other… Though I think Logan has an inkling.

Finally, we see Roman go against orders to keep his mouth shut and the hero confronts his villain for the first time. The setting could no be more perfect, Eva always does have quite the way of picking the perfect atmosphere for these kinds of things. “The wind created by the rotor blades of the approaching helicopter whipping at their clothes on the roof-top almost carried away his words” (Whatwashernameagain). Chaos is created in the scene by the helicopter making it hard to hear each other. Its really fantastic symbolism for their current state in their relationship and perhaps in themselves as well.

Roman is born from chaos. His misguided aspiration for his father’s love. The work that defines him being nothing more than a payload for said father. His fight to follow his team while ignoring the growing need to physically act. The good he wants to do by basically doing things that might not be what we would consider good or for good (mostly because its pretty much all for profit, not that Roman knows that).

Logan may not be born from chaos but he /is/ chaos. Logan is a great example of doing bad things for good reasons… Which in and of itself is fairly chaotic. Not to mention with every act he sends the world through another wave of chaos as well. His entire goal is to turn the economic world on its head in the first place… talk about chaos.

I love that the first line Roman ever speaks to the villain is “Why must you be so impossible?” (Whatwashernameagain). Fairly simplistic words, not much to be impressed about? I would disagree. The words are spoken with such informality that it is almost as if they knew each other, and in a way, I suppose that they. They’ve been meeting for over a year; fighting for over a year.  They may not have spoken but they knew each other enough by now… at least that is what it felt like. No doubt when your world revolves around someone else, whether good or bad you feel like you know then. Logan is probably the only person in the world that knew Roman or that Roman felt like he knew even if they hadn’t spoken. Logan, at this point, is the closest thing to a friend that Roman has.

In the same paragraph we also see Roman’s sass returning, lightening our lives once more as he claims that Logan would be the cause of his death; that “He’d kill him with exasperation” (Whatwashernameagain). The way Roman almost curses but catches himself is also so wholesome. A gentleman would never lower himself to such language, of course.

And Logan, usually so cool and collected is pulled into Roman’s frustration. We see Logan’s struggle to keep himself in check and yet he indulges in himself, in such a human reaction. I’ve mentioned it before, but I’d like to point it out once more; Roman is a symbol of Logan’s humanity. Logan does his best not to feel regular emotions, he prefers to think of himself as a computer rather than human; the only time we really see Logan’s composure break is when he is facing Roman. Roman brings out these emotions in him; brings out the human part of him. We see that again here when Logan is unable to keep from replying.

“You cannot be serious. How dare you refer to me as impossible, you simple fool?” (Whatwashernameagian)

Once again, the words are simplistic and familiar, though they are spoken by Logan this time. The familiarity is there just as it is with Roman, despite the fact that he is insulting him. Once again it is possible (probable actually) that Roman is the closest thing Logan has to a friend. He does, after all build an AI to keep him company (along with doing his calculations).

We also see Roman try and be Logan’s conscious as well, which might be needed; after all computers don’t have a conscious; lecturing him about kidnapping and setting things on fire and worst of all ‘drowning [Roman] in frying fat!’… Though I don’t think there would be very many people upset about seeing Roman all oiled up… I know I wouldn’t. The reader’s attention is pulled back to Roman’s team members as Eva mentions the ‘ever-polite voice in his earpiece’ that was trying to get him under control; once again showing the difference between the team and Roman, himself.

The two men continue to argue bringing up a few valid points. Logan points out Roman’s ‘selfish’ thinking, which though we know, as the reader, isn’t exactly accurate it is understandable to believe that that is where Roman is coming from. He also points out that Roman is nothing by a monkey for the press and won’t be the one to bring about the revolution the world needs. Logan’s POV is accurate: Roman is acting as a monkey for his team and that on his present course there will be no revolution if he continues to follow them… Foreshadowing anyone?

““You- you unbelievable, impossible, infuriating villain – how could you dare to- I am attempting to save the world! You are trying to destroy it!” He’d howled, flailing uselessly with frustrated energy.

His righteous claim seemed to rile up the terrorist even more. Taking a few steps towards him over the cement that was starting to heat with the flames beneath them, he jabbed his finger at him” (Whatwashernameagain).

First off, I find it absolutely adorable that Roman is stuttering with his insults. I’m sure his opinion of Logan being unbelievable, impossible, and infuriating will never change. In fact, I would bet on it. They already sound like a married couple. I love them so much!

Looking beyond that, I really love the imagery here. This interaction is going to be the foundation of their companionship (if there will be a companionship which I am certain there will be); like the cement that Logan is crossing. In fact, the imagery of the cement heating with the flames beneath them can be a nod to a number of things. First it could represent the world around them burning and neither of them able to pay attention to anything but the other (which I am just ruined for); or it could be the heat of their passion for good, both extremely intense, both dangerous, both destructive in their own way (Logan physically and Roman’s political/economically).

Their argument continues, each calling the other stupid. We see Roman’s view on good vs. evil once more (which I’ve already covered; not to say it repeated… no the inflection on it is simply to remind us that Roman is a three-dimensional character who cares deeply about the subject). We see Logan losing himself to the humanity Roman brings out in him. We also see (which is my favorite part of the argument) Logan’s accusation about ‘selling topless calendars’ and the ‘heeled boots’. Why is this important? Well, Logan is a busy man he wouldn’t pay too close attention to what Roman’s next public exploit would be… Yet he knows about the topless calendars? I would put my money on the idea that he examined them… ‘for research purposes’ of course. As for the heeled boots well… We already know Remy’s opinion of dat ass… Heels only improve it 😉.

“The villain’s rant was interrupted as a sneaker hit his head from above. His supporters were exasperatedly waving at him to climb into the helicopter they had been screaming over before the police managed to arrest them, just as Roman’s operator had frantically urged him to free his leg and catch the man standing mere feet from him” (Whatwashernameagain).

Once again, we see the stark contrast between the hero and villain here; or rather… the similarity. Logan’s followers are urging him to leave the hero and move on, as he should have done in the first place. Eva compares then to the person on the other end of Roman’s ear piece. Both of them are a sense of reality that these men should be focused on rather than one another and yet neither seems to be able to pull themselves away from the other without an outside influence. They are both utterly hopeless and I love them.

Also #savetheworldtopless and #justpathologicallyevil should totally be a thing! Only #savetheworldtopless should be pictures of all different shapes and sizes of people in superhero poses either topless or like sportsbras/binders etc. basically how they seem themselves or how they want themselves to be; and #justpathologicallyevil should be full of adorable pictures of like cats and things doing mischievous things… I love these!!!

As for Roman’s operator quitting… good riddance. If that’s all it took, then he def wasn’t cut out for that job. Besides, not letting my baby speak is a sin against all mankind.

I’m so excited for the next para!

“Roman felt guilty for getting into an argument and behaving unprofessionally, but somehow, he felt like it had also gotten him closer to understanding the other man. He wasn’t a faceless monster but a person one could talk to – if a truly irritating and rude one – and people could be changed. Roman was good at convincing others of his position. His bright, attractive smile, warm and sweet manners and his polite reasoning had brought plenty of people around. Despite the continued threat of an escalation between the Utilitarianist’s supporters and his opposition, most people still liked Roman” (Whatwashernameagain).  

This chapter has spent a lot of time ‘villainizing’ Logan (with good reason) the point of view of the Dream and its team is meant to paint Logan in that light; and thus far Eva has done so very effectively. Here, however, we see Roman reconsidering these points. For the first time Roman is looking past the mask and at the man behind it. It is not that he does not see Logan as a villain but rather he sees him as a human as well. That’s Roman for you though, caring about every human even the ones he considers bad or ‘evil’. I suppose this is a first for Logan as well. People don’t tend to look beyond the Utilitarianist to see the man underneath… they’re not suppose to either but here Roman sits seeing a man that can be swayed, a man that struggles with the good and the bad as we all do. Once again, we see Roman focusing on the individual once more.

“He brought the idea up at a team meeting, believing he’d finally found a way to work more effectively. However, he was turned down gently. They gave him to understand that he had misjudges the villain and that his attempts to negotiate with terrorists could have disastrous consequences. Chastised and feeling like a child make a dumb suggestion at the dinner table, he gave up. Still, despite his best intentions, he wound up arguing with the other again and again” (Whatwashernameagain).

Once again, we see how Roman’s team mistreats him; though they do so, subtly. We see Roman’s attempt at a solution that actually has some merit and may work and yet he is treated like the child they see him as and cast aside as if he didn’t have any weight on the matter. His intelligence is constantly insulted (though not obviously enough for him to feel offended). His goals do not align with that of the teams and therefore are inconsequential. However, Eva points out that the unlike how it was before (Roman making a suggestion, the team shooting him down and he dropping it) the arguments seemed to continue… perhaps this is because Roman is getting more confident? Pushing his boundaries? Leading himself to revolution?

“Their rivalry came to a crescendo when one of their fights once again distracted both of them. He had no idea why this man managed to make his blood boil this much with his talk about superior logic and necessity. Necessity his ass. (Roman would of course never say such a thing out loud, but still.)” (Whatwashernameagain)

This says a lot about Roman. His attention on Logan is continuously growing. He is paying more and more attention to the man as a person and not just as a villain. I mentioned before that Roman probably sees the similarities between Logan and his father but there are a few things he addresses with Logan that he would never say/do with his father. Here is perhaps the only man he is able to interact with (though perhaps not under the best circumstances) that is not pushing his own agenda on the man or putting him down. Someone he can actually argue with without being chastised by the other for the act. He is treated as an equal even if they are name calling one another and that is a big step for the hero; most of the people he deals with always treats him as if he is some child that needs to be seen not heard but Logan… Logan will indulge his passions, argue his points, allow him to be the passionate man he is. To Roman, Logan is an outlet for his passions and allows him to express himself as he truly is, not as his teams wants to be. It is no doubt a refreshing change.

During one of their arguments a pipe bursts over Logan’s head and without pause or consideration Roman rushes to save him, injuring himself fairly badly in the process; to the point that he needed immediate medical attention. Of course, he could heal very quickly but Logan doesn’t know this. I bring this up for two reasons.

Firstly, imagine what this means for Roman. Roman is driven by passion. He cares deeply for every living soul and he views Logan as a misguided person whose heart can be changed. So, when that person’s life is on the line he doesn’t think twice before jumping in the way to save him. This of course is going to cause a lot of issues with his team and perhaps the public but to him a life is a life and Logan’s is perhaps the closest person to him at the moment.

Logan on the other hand doesn’t really consider the individual life too important. It isn’t to say that he doesn’t care for each life in and of itself but if a single life lost would save countless then he wouldn’t hesitate to pull that trigger. To him, it is only logical. He knows that he has endangered and killed a number of people and it would be logical for Roman to allow him to die to advance his own agenda. So, when Roman saves him it no doubt takes a few minutes to process it all. No doubt he had to recalculate all of their interactions. Up until this point he had viewed Roman as nothing but a puppet for political/economic gain and yet… he had saved Logan… For no other reason than to save a life… He perhaps sees Roman’s truly pure intentions for the first time (no doubt cementing his opinion that the guy is an idiot). Logan in return drags Roman from the building and delivers him to an ambulance and we get to see the wonderful gift that is protective Logan… One of my favorite flavors!

Of course, our progress must have some repercussions; which means right on cue Roman’s father appears. Two years has past since Roman became the Dreamer and we’ve barely heard mention of the man. He tends to show up only when Roman does something wrong or if it is advantageous to him; which only cements the image that he’s a no-good money sucker that Roman is better off without.  In fact, apparently Roman hasn’t seen the guy in months, which brings out the hero’s denial: “Roman understood he was doing important work, though. It was alright. . Sadly, his father had not been as pleased as he had so desperately hoped.” (Whatwashernameagain).

Denial and rationalization all over again, though I’m going to avoid the Freudian jargon as best I can because this section is already going to be so very long. Eva always has a way of pulling at the reader’s heartstrings with such simplicity and it is truly beautiful. With her last line, mentioning Roman’s desperate hope, my heart breaks. He still wants his father’s approval so badly that it hurts him. He truly is a child at heart when it comes to his father… The poor baby.

The conversation that ensues reminds the reader of the trauma that Roman has gone through to be the man that he is… To be what he thought his father wanted him to be… What the world wants him to be. We see his father’s anger as he demands an explanation and Roman’s immediate instinct to draw his knees close to his chest, curling up on himself as if to protect him from his father’s wrath or the emotions he brings out of the young man. Now it is possible that Roman’s father never laid a hand on him (honestly, I would be surprised if he had. That would mean he actually cared enough to beat the boy and I doubt he ‘wasted his time’ with that.) and this is just an instinctive reaction most people have when faced with emotional distressing situation. Though there is no proof of physical abuse we are already aware of the emotional abuse the man has put his son through, which can be just as bad.

We also see Roman hiding his pain ‘like he’d learned.’ Learned where? Learned during the countless horrific experiments and alterations he endured to become what he thought his father wanted him to be; just to find out his father still viewed him as practically worthless? Or was it before hand? Before all this? Either way when Logan finds out that the sorry POS of a ‘father’ treated Roman so horribly… I hope he gets what is coming to him (though I realize Roman will probably keep that from happening)!

“The rebuke hurt sharply. Swallowing, Roman tried to explain his reasoning he’d never thought he’d have to defend. The place was filled with people who were supposed to support him, yet he felt entirely alone” (Whatwashernameagain).

Roman’s father chastises him for letting Logan live and I think that Roman’s illusion of who is father is may be starting to crack a bit. At Roman’s core ever SINGLE life counts; it is one of the many reasons he became the Dreamer in the first place. But his father doesn’t give a damn about anyone else’s life but his own. As long as he’s making money that all he cares about. We also see Roman finally beginning to realize that despite the fact that he is surrounded by people that he has known for two years now, who are supposed to support him… he /is/ entirely alone.

“This would have been the perfect opportunity. You need to decide if you have what it takes or if you weren’t the right choice after all. Next time this chance presents itself, you let this god damn terrorist die instead of spreading his filth from a luxury prison.” His father had barked at him before leaving him alone to fear losing everything he’d bled for. Everything he’d become. Without the Dreamer, he had no idea who he was” (Whatwashernameagain).

The contrast between these two are as apparent as ever, here. His father is lecturing him to do exactly what Roman is whole heartedly against. He wants Roman to let someone die. He wants Roman to ignore the very core of his being… he wants him to be something Roman can never be and equivalently kill someone. The thing is, if Roman straight out refuses his father everything he has worked for, everything he fights for daily would be stripped from him. The fear of losing something you have worked so hard for is devastating. But it’s a bit more than that for Roman. He has changed everything about his life for this. His physical appearance, the way he lives, everything… I don’t think he realizes this because he would never think something so dark about his father but… If the Dreamer persona is stripped from him Roman would not get to roam free… His father has put in far too much work to create him, he knows to much, he is too much of a liability. No, Roman would either be locked up or killed if the Dreamer was ever taken away from him.

But that also begs the question, can the Dreamer be taken away from him? The Dreamer is a concept, an ideal of what Roman wished to be. Sure, they can pull him from the spot light, take away his team, hide him from the world but as long as Roman’s beliefs are the same and he has the will to keep going then the Dreamer is eternal. The problem is that Roman still lacks the self confidence to realize this. He believes that he is nothing but an over glorified child without his team. Once he realizes this is not the case… Well… Viva La Revolution!

We do see the beginning of these thoughts in the next para however. Roman is starting to question his team and his father. “Was this really what the Dreamer was? He’d tried too hard to keep the peace and catch the Utilitarianist when there were other things he could be doing. They’d told him to leave the crime fighting to the police. His image was the most powerful thing about him” (Whatwashernameagain). He is questioning everything which is good… Well, good in the long run; honestly for him, its no doubt terrifying.

But consider the fact that the one person that ignited the flame that pushed him to ask such question is the very person he is supposed to be rivaled with, the person he is supposed to allow to die. Logan. Roman is many things to the villain: his hope, his humanity, his source of emotion and irritation, his light. But Logan are certain things to the hero as well: his hope, his reality, his sense of questioning, his window into the social world… His proof that everything is no as black and white as he once believed, his chance at a relationship that isn’t riddled with abuse and deception. The irony behind this should not be overlooked. It is so beautiful.

Roman goes on to compare himself to Superman and Wonderwoman which I just adore! That is so very Roman! He points out that Superman couldn’t concern himself with petty thieves but Wonderwoman most certainly would. I love this for a number of reasons. Firstly, we already knew that Roman read comic books, but this really pulls the image of baby Roman sitting under the covers late at night with a flash light pouring over the pages of every type of comic (well at least DC comics). Secondly, despite the fact that Roman good up with such a heavy emphasis on society’s view of masculinity shoved down his throat one of the greatest heroes in his mind is Wonderwoman! I love it! I love it! I love it! The comicbook version of Wonderwoman is a fantastic role model for anyone! Much better than Superman in my opinion! I mean the writers themselves are fantastic! There is actually an entire scene in which Diane is seen nude during an issue and the writers never exploit this. Context: Diane sleeps in the nude. Someone wakes her and they talk while she takes her time dressing. That is it. It is not drawn in a way that sexualizes her or implies anything of the sort. It is simply written/drawn as nothing more than a person dressing and I really appreciate that… though I suppose I am getting off track.

We can also view the difference between implications of comparing himself between Superman and Wonderwoman and the Masculine and Feminine views both represent. Superman is no doubt the way his father would prefer him to aspire to be. Superman is perhaps the most masculine image one could manage to conjure. He is strong, indestructible, not concerned with trivial issues, uses his strength and power to win and always gets the girl. The image of a man. Wonderwoman however, is a bit different. She is strong and practically indestructible sure, but she goes about using her abilities a different way. Instead of fighting all the time or causing more destruction she tends to outsmart her opponents when she can and shows care and compassion to all creatures. Superman focuses on strength and durability; Wonderwoman focuses on skill, training, knowledge. She is not concerned with romance or power; she just wants good for the world; just as Roman does.

We also begin to see Roman work out some of the things we have mentioned, on his own. He begins to question why Logan would save him? Perhaps he questions if the man’s intentions may be better than he had originally given him credit for. He can’t seem to shake his concerns with his own work. The concerns lead him to question his team more and more:

“His doubts wouldn’t leave him alone until eventually, he chose to do what he was most afraid of. He went against the advice of his team.

He’d been sitting around for months, while the Utilitarianist had been busy attacking the Hong-Kong Stock market. Roman quietly wondered why he was never dispatched to other countries to help. His nemesis had stopped limiting himself to the States long ago” (Whatwashernameagain).

It is obvious that there are a few reasons why Roman’s team keeps him in America. Perhaps the most prominent reason is the fact that the people who control Roman are in America and make most of their money from his exploits there. There is no reason to help those over seas if there is no profit for it. Yet, Logan is not bound by these rules. Logan is attempting to save the world and to Roman his goal is to take down Logan. So, once again we see just how much Roman’s team is holding him back and the excuses they use to hide their real intentions (‘Perhaps his team was worried he’d upset someone by remarking that the conditions of those workers truly were less than glittery’ (Whatwashernameagain).).

A situation in Mexico is brought to our attention, Eva does a fantastic job (as usual) to describe the severity of the scene and a new character is introduced: Virgil!!! We see right away that Virgil is a little different than the rest of the team. As Roman’s new operator we he hacks into the bank’s database and gets Roman a floorplan (no doubt against the advisement of the rest of the team). This already sets him apart from the others. For the first time since Roman became the Dreamer we see someone finally working /with/ him rather than discarding his intentions and thoughts. Finally, we have someone to help our wonderful and beautiful boy! The best part is that might be the boost Roman needed! “This was the right thing to do, he felt it. He had to breathe new life into the idea of the Dreamer. He had to be a proper hero again” (Whatwashernameagain).

Of course, when he pitches the idea to his team he is immediately shot down, discarded like the child they saw him as. Only this time, things were handled a bit differently: “Instead of the usual, fatherly patience and kind amusement at his misplaced enthusiasm, he was told off curtly. Without results, Roman was losing their favor” (Whatwashernameagain). Roman has been acting more and more independently which implied that they were losing control of him as an asset and that no doubt caused some tension between his team and their higher ups which was no doubt taken out on Roman.

“Feeling unsteady, he shuffled onto the cold light of the corridor of their underground base. Despite his terror of losing the place he called home, the reporting about the children held hostage would not stop replaying in his head. He’d been told watching the news would only upset him and he should rather rely on the updates they cut together for him, but he was starting to think he would only have found out about the situation far too late when irritated reporters would have asked him where he was when the children were shot. He couldn’t let it come to that!” (Whatwashernameagain).

This para gives me life! This is a dawning of a new age! A new Dreamer! A new Roman! We start out with him defeated (not surprisingly); fearful on his thoughts because you know he’s thinking of going to Mexico anyways and that could cause him to lose his home. The catch is, this has never been his home; it has been the place he has been used and discarded but it is the only ‘home’ he’s ever really known. Sure, before he became the Dreamer he had a different ‘home’ but it is all the same thing. He was ignored unless useful there just as he is here. Still, if its all you’ve ever known, losing it would be terrifying…. Being alone in the world, with nothing to your name… it’s a horrible reality.

Still, he obviously is not letting this go. The news of the children being held hostage is something Roman can’t forget. This is not surprising at all. Roman is a sheltered person. He is not use to seeing such things on the news. In fact, the next sentence reminds us that the only information that he is aware of tends to be the information fed to him; to help control him. It is horrible. But it also causes him to be more sensitive to these kinds of things. I can’t remember if I brought this up before so I will do so again here. The majority of us that open ourselves up to television or social media become desensitized to it all.

For instance, the average 18-year old observes approximately 6,000 acts of violence on television and in movies in one year (Browne and Hamilton-Giachritsis 2005; Center for Research Excellence 2009). Desensitization has been studied primarily as a consequence of exposure to violent video games (e.g., Anderson et al. 2010; Carnagey et al. 2007), so less is known about desensitization to violence encountered in real life or on television and in movies. Despite the many commonalities between real-life and media violence and their effects on adjustment, these two types of exposure to violence rarely have been studied together. It has also been proven that the more desensitized to violence that we become the more violent we become in turn.

Of course, this is just a information about desensitization in regards to violence which includes things like the bank robbery, children being held hostage etc. Consider this: How many times have you scrolled through facebook or some other social media platform and saw a post about a missing person or a shooting or something similar? And how many times have you ignored it and continued to scroll? The truth is, the more you see it the more you ignore it. But what then? Well, then we’ve become part of the problem, haven’t we? By not helping we become the ignorance that is wrong with the world. So, next time you see one of those post… share, reblog… who knows maybe you’ll be that one person to get the word just far enough for them to be found/saved. Don’t let your desensitization get the better of you.

But once again I’m getting off track. My point was, for someone who is not expose to as much violence or horrific deeds as the typical American, something that we consider small (like a bank hold up) can be traumatizing; and poor sweet Roman has been sheltered from these things for some time. Sure, he has seen some really bad stuff but its all what they want him to see… all being fed to him… this… this is different.

Desensitization aside, this para is the stepping stone into Roman’s rebellion! We see him question his team, perhaps not for the first time but close to it: “he was starting to think he would only have found out about the situation far too late when irritated reporters would have asked him where he was when the children were shot” (Whatwashernameagain). Then we see him immediately rebuke them (at least mentally): “He couldn’t let it come to that!” (Whatwashernameagain). Roman is finally growing into his own. He is finally beginning to that that step and begin thinking for himself! This is character development!

Now, enter Virgil Stage Left! Virgil appears just when Roman needs a good kick in the but to get him moving, much like Remy did when Logan needed it as well. It is a good reminder that even when we are struggling whether with the outside world or with ourselves there come a point in time where we could do with a bit of companionship. Humans, after all, are social creatures.

The great thing about his appearance is that with his sense of sarcastic remarks Roman is immediately defensive, preparing to defend his ‘honor’ but we wee him pause as he notices Virgil’s disappointed posture. This is another small contrast between Roman and Logan that I love. Though we don’t actually see Logan reading people’s body language I get the feeling he would be very bad at it. He doesn’t exactly surround himself in situations in which it is required. Roman however, no doubt is trained to read other’s body languages. Yes, I mean formally trained though his emotional abuse has no doubt conditioned him to study it as well. A person who is used to being degraded or yelled out over analyzes every twitch, every smile, every shift of the eyes. Every movement is considered a countdown to the next time they will be abused, it is truly an anxious existence. This of course is just scratching the surface of the trauma Roman has been through but it is brought up in such a subtly beautiful way that really gives testament to Eva’s skill, as always.

The slump in Virgil’s shoulders no doubt screams at Roman just as most postures do. He is not a stranger to disappointment especially from his team. This time though he realizes its different. Virgil isn’t necessarily disappointed in what Roman has done but what he hasn’t done; which is quite heartwarming. Virgil is upset because Roman is not following through with his plan despite his team’s refusal. He /wants/ Roman to be who he is… Which may be the first time Roman has ever experienced such support. The first time someone has shown true untainted support for /him/ not what/who he is supposed to be for them. There comes a time during the cusp of every revolution that a straw breaks a back… A shot is fired…. War breaks out… Perhaps, Roman has finally found his straw in Virgil? Perhaps all he ever needed to begin his revolution was the support of a single person to be who he was.

““No. I’m not backing off. I’m taking a running start.” He’d promised, before striding down the corridor and grabbing a startled Virgil’s wrist on the way. He still needed that one.” (Whatwashernameagain). It seems like a beautiful partnership has begun. I have a feeling this dynamic duo is going to cause a lot of trouble for more than just Logan.

Eva also uses a comparison of Roman sneaking out of the facility to breaking out of prison; which I feel is a very good analogy. The facility is in fact a prison for Roman. He is not a free man in any sense of the word. Even his personality is held captive behind those walls. I also mentioned earlier that Roman’s father would never allow Roman to be free. Roman is too much of a liability. He knows to much. This is one of the many reasons why he is to be locked away until it is time for his media appearances. He is sheltered from the real world just like any prisoner, only allowed certain activities that limit his interaction with the public. He is monitored constantly. It is very fitting.

“The armed robbers were no match for the quiet, cat-like stride of the trained hero. He caught one after the other, knocking them out with ease. This was far simpler than fighting a man like the Utilitarianist” (Whatwashernameagain).

‘Cat-like’? You mean like a certain villain that purr-fers to wear the mask of a feline? Speaking of which, it seems that Roman can’t get the man off his mind even when he’s in the middle of another dangerous mission… and does that almost sound like… admiration?

The next scene shows Roman being as heroic as ever as he carries out a pregnant woman and other out of the building and I have to say Roman+children=my heart exploding. Its just so pure and wonderful and the way she just tugs at his costume just makes me weak.

“Roman barely managed to calm them. He hadn’t been greeted with such honest joy in so long, he was utterly baffled by their adoration. When he finally managed to speak, his voice was thick with emotion.

“Fellow citizens of the world, I have realized that the time for borders is behind us! In these frightening times we must understand that our differences are mere illusions, stand together and give each other hope. Our love and belief in each other shall prevail over evil!”” (Whatwashernameagain).

Roman just made a seriously hard move. Roman is faced with real genuine joy and appreciation; something he probably has never experienced. His team probably pulls him away from situation where he would get the chance to; of course, they would to simply avoid him saying something that wasn’t scripted. This is probably the moment that he realizes that though his team treats his opinions and intentions as bothersome the public sees them as he does: a chance to change the world.

We also get to see Roman take that final step over the edge of the cliff that he has been teetering on for some time now. We see him finally choose to step out into the nothingness where he expects to plummet to his doom; everything that he has worked for stripped away from him. But as he speaks to the world, as he watches their reaction, we don’t see him fall; we see him fly! And because of this, and the elated reaction of his new partner-in-crime we see him swell with pride.

“Finally, he was what he was supposed to be.” (Whatwashernameagain).

This line… This beautiful stunning line says everything that we knew but it also says more. It says that Roman has shed his father and team’s control on him. He has cast aside the image they are painting of him and breaking out into his own. Shots have been fired and there will no doubt be a fallout but for now… It is official, the revolution has begun!!!

“The atmosphere in the underground compound changed. Roman felt the shift, the tension around himself clearly and suffered it with disappointment. It was like being home again. A child whose childishness was barely tolerated. Quiet and shy and feeling unwanted” (Whatwashernameagain).

This reinforces the image Eva has been painting of Roman’s childhood. He compares the new temperament of the compound to his childhood home and the abuse he experienced there. It is the same disappointment, worthless undesirable feeling that his father had caused him to feel for so long. This no doubt would cause the man to be triggered. The only question that remains is, is he strong enough to move past it?

“Despite the repeated attempts to impress the importance of following his team’s directions, he planned and executed more mission with Virgil. He was his one saving grace. Since he was actually starting to make a difference, the two men felt more at ease with each other. Though they were mostly bickering with each other, Roman had found someone to rely on. His fluttering nerves around the moody man calmed, allowing him to fall back on the safety of the Dreamer’s personality less and less. They were a team of two now, instead of the pride of the Conglomerate. It was alright. He was one more person than Roman used to have” (Whatwashernameagain).

Roman is making leaps and bounds in his warpath (I use warpath as a metaphor, this is a revolution afterall). He has taught himself that a single man’s genuine acceptance and affection (not to mention affirmation) is far more valuable than the faux appreciation of a crowd of individuals and this is partially due to Virgil’s support. Now, the two of them argue and fuss but let’s face it between Virgil and Logan this is the only form of true affection Roman has ever experienced. It is only logical that Roman now associates the bickering and affection. The coldness his father shows him, the lack of attention at all has been pounded into him over the years making something as simple as the attention enough to argue with him far more heartwarming than it should be. In fact, the arguments and the moodiness of Virgil seems to calm Roman as he interprets it to be a platonic sense of caring that comes with the smaller man. This will no doubt reinforce his attraction to Logan later as well.

Logan was once considered cold just as Roman’s father, perhaps reminding the hero of the man he aspired to be loved by which no doubt drew him in in the first place. Yet, as they grew closer and Logan began to show the attention Roman longed for, though their arguments and even care when Logan returned the favor of saving his life. With Roman’s interpretations as they are now it is no wonder that he would turn to the man that has shown him more affection than anyone else in the world when he is finally broken and bruised.

Over the next few paragraphs we see Roman surprisingly taking the bait that the Utilitarianist had laid out for the world, working unintentionally, with Logan. We also see his team step up just about the time they are able to profit from it (surprise, surprise). Of course, poor innocent Roman misinterprets this as support, but it is not necessarily a bad thing; at least not yet.

Naturally, as soon as the team steps back in Roman reverts to his old habits; becoming discouraged, calling himself an idiot and generally being self-deprecating. He then resolves to listen to his team more carefully and follow their advice once more. Honestly though, I love the contrast between the team and Virgil. They are like two sides of Roman’s subconscious…. Almost like those angels and devils that pop up on each shoulder in the cartoons. On one hand, Roman’s team pulls him back to his father where his self-conscious and cautious. While, on the other hand, Virgil pulls him towards the light where he is proud and triumphant, confident and bright. The issue is, if he continues to stand in the middle being pulled in two different directions, he may be ripped in two… and if that happens it is possible, he wont be able to be put back together again.

Also: “Roman had sworn to himself to help him feel more accepted in the team. He’d never wanted anyone to feel as isolated as he had most of his life” (Whatwashernameagain). It is possible that Roman is so adamant about Virgil feeling accepted by the team because he knows exactly how it feels to be isolated and alone. He knows how it feels to be cast aside and be considered worthless or idiotic. He knows how horrible it can make you feel, and he wants to make sure that no one feels that way especially someone he cares so deeply for like Virgil.

The next para moves on to talk about the Utilitarianist and the LGBTQ+ community and honestly the imagery is lovely! Of course, Logan would be an icon for the gay community. The Utilitarianist is known for his radical beliefs that stir huge movements around the globe. It wasn’t that long again that the simple act of two men kiss was considered just that: radical. I won’t pretend to know a lot about the social movement; I don’t. I may be LGBTQ+ but I was never a big part of the community until recently. I grew up in small towns. I didn’t even meet someone like myself until high school… So, I’m still a bit lacking in a lot of information that could be gained through that social outlet (I’m serious, a friend of me had to explain a lot of terminology when I first moved into the city… I may not have had physical flash cards like Logan’s but I def had mental ones). Still, I know enough about Gender Studies in literature to help support my argument here.

So, for those of you that don’t know what Gender Studies is; it is a literary theory that is devoted to analyzing gender identity and representation (including but not limited to women, feminism, gender, politics, men’s studies, and queer studies; often combined with the study of sexuality (“Gender Studies”). Why do I consider Gender Studies as ‘radical’? Consider this: Doctoral programs for women’s studies has existed since 1990 (Joschik, Scott). The Women’s Rights movement earned them the right to vote in 1920 and they were considered radical and despite their achievements studying literature that was written by women or had strong independent female characters was not considered an acceptable enough form of study to take a doctoral program (not even a degree) in until 1990! That is radical! What is worse, is the first doctoral program for a ‘potential’ PhD in Gender Studies in the U.S. wasn’t approved until 2005 (Joschik, Scott)! And it wasn’t until 2015 that Kabul University in Afghanistan (Afghanistan!!! Not the U.S. which is full of idiotic bigotry!) was the first to offer a master’s degree course in gender and women’s studies (FaithWorld)! It almost makes me ashamed to live here. In a world where two women pushing a baby stroller in the background of a Disney movie is cause for outrage, I’d say the LGBTQ+ community is ‘radical’… at least in the eyes of America. So, it is no wonder that the Utilitarianist is an icon for them especially after his rescue.

(Sorry for the rant)

Moving on!

“Because Roman had saved him and because he’d now acted on his behalf, following his direct call for action, a lot of people had started imagining them to be more than they were. They were publicly ‘shipping’ them.

Roman had been beyond horrified and humiliated as his sympathetic team had put together a dossier of the things people on the internet thought he’d do” (Whatwashernameagain).

Okay, there are so many things wrong with this. Not Eva’s writing of course, she is always so talented! No, everything that I consider ‘wrong’ is meant to be so.

Firstly, though there are plenty of people that will disagree with me and I respect that, shipping (even if its real people) is fine: Forcing your ship or view point on another or insulting their tastes or hating on them for it etc etc. Is very very wrong and I try not to judge but I’m pretty judgy about this. Hate asks/messages/notes/WHATEVER is horrible and though you may not be a horrible person if you do these things, you’re pretty darn close in my opinion. Everyone has their tastes: Some people like apples, some people don’t. If we were all the same we would never advance as a species.

I am not claiming Eva is hating on anyone. How could she be? She is legit writing about her own subject matter lol I really like the irony of it actually… Its almost like breaking the fourth wall without breaking the fourth wall. But I’m getting off topic again.

Here we see Roman’s team taking an extreme to try and pull him back by the reigns. The know he doesn’t receive any other content than what they feed him and their going to use this to their advantage. So, the decide to use the most angsty, kinkiest parts of the fandom’s ships and expose them to the poor sheltered and innocent man. Imagine if we had never heard of tumblr and then were suddenly shoved into the deepest darkest pits… Sure exposure therapy is known to work but I’d be pretty repulsed by it too. Luckily most of us managed to dip our toes in first and move away from the shallows one step at a time here on tumblr so we didn’t have to go through what poor Ro-Ro is. Now, its common knowledge that we’re all a little demented. Lol XP

“He’d been unable to keep looking at the pictures and horrible, humiliating stories published for all to see. How could he allow this to happen? This was what people saw in him after he’d allowed himself to be experimented on, cut apart and be put back together and worked so hard to give them something to believe in?” (Whatwashernameagain).

Let’s pick this apart a bit, shall we? Why would Roman really be this horrified? Sure, he was sheltered and then suddenly exposed to it but it’s a bit more than that. Here is a man that is supposed to hold up ‘American Values’ and be the image of masculinity. That is what his father wants him to be, that is what he has suffered to become. He is supposed to be the strongest person out there and yet he is being depicted in such compromising positions… In positions of submission, of servitude. He has no idea that that kind of position can be a symbol of trust and freedom because he is not taught to believe this. He does not know what a healthy relationship is.

Then there is also the symbolism of it all. Roman is the hero; he is the light; he is the good. Logan is the villain, the shadows, the evil in the world. These images show the good bowing to the bad. They show Roman losing. Losing the one thing he has suffered and fought for, for so long. They show him the possible failure he is so terrified of. To Roman, these images hold one of his worst fears. /That/ is why Roman is so disturbed by them.

We can also view this another way. Roman is taught that the only way he will win against the evil in the world is through the public’s support. He relies of the world to boost him, to come together in unity. He believes that with their help he is invincible. Yet, the public is the one who created these stories and art. The public is the one the imagined his failure. Roman is fueled by hope and faith and yet these images could be taken as a loss of those things. These images represent the publics loss of faith and hope in Roman… At least, that is one possible view point of the man. Either way, it is devastating.

*******

I would like to add here that @mariniacipher has added some input here that explains this in more depth and is beautifully done. I asked permission to quote them here and they have consented:

“Honestly, I have just one thought like, about your analysis of the line "The Utilitarianist would see it and think-" 

I think there's a bit more behind this, and that Roman's team had a deeper reason to show roman that art: Because roman is, to them- as far as we know- a naive boy-turned-tool, and he's already strayed from their commands twice. Once to save the kids in Mexico. This could be seen as him following Logan's agenda in some way. He's definitely seeing all people as equal, instead of following his team's "America First" mindset, which is already risky to them. And then, the second time he "deviates", he directly follows Logan's intel as well as his call to action. Add to that the Logince interactions you already pointed out, their respect to each other in those arguments, and they've got a genuine risk of roman completely leaving their range of influence, in their minds at least. Which brings us to them showing roman the unsavory pieces of art of himself and Logan. You already pointed out a lot here, but I think it also served to pervert the beginnings of the relationship between roman and Logan.

Before, they both just wanted to defeat one another, but also both wanted to help the world. Now, Roman's team is turning this dynamic in something altogether different, or trying to: it turns it sexual, and into a power play/fight. They present Logan not as a person who just wants to defeat roman, but beat him, humiliate and hurt him- because that way, they destroy even the thought of roman defecting, or escaping their influence, because there's no one to run to.In my opinion, they only want roman to have the team, and no one else- showing logan in the role of- to roman- a pervert and even a rapist serves to keep roman isolated and loyal.”

@mariniacipher makes some very valid points here, all of which I agree with. They also provide a great example of how Reader Response is suppose to work in the sense that every reader experiences a work differently and they see these things slightly different. This truly made my day. 

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

******

Once again, the devil on his shoulder has struck… But where is the angel in purple? Knocking on his door, just in time to save the day!

““Hey. Um, so I saw the dossier.”

Roman groaned, hiding his burning face. He’d never even looked at porn, so seeing himself pictured on his knees, the villain’s hand in his hair, about to- oh god. This was out there. The Utilitarianist would see it and think- irrational fear of things he hadn’t ever considered the other capable of mixed with the humiliation and made Roman tremble” (Whatwashernameagain).

First off, ‘He’d never even looked at porn’… Christ on a cracker, Roman you truly are sheltered you poor poor baby… Though that does beg the question if he is even too modest to…. You know what… Never mind. Lets move on… This is an analysis not a fanfic after all…

‘The Utilitarianist would see it and think-‘ OMG Roman I love you! Even when you’re horrified and shamed the only person you can concern yourself with is Logan?! This is fantastic! We see just where Logan stands now. Before, the person Roman would probably concern himself with is his father. That’s not the case now though. Logan has become more of a priority than dear old Dad and with good reason. In fact, Roman’s father hasn’t been mentioned in some time which gives us a sense of visual in Roman’s mental shift. Our baby is growing. -sniffle- I’m so proud.

Virgil of course, tries to explain to Roman that it is not what he thinks. Roman then states that he believes Virgil thinks him not smart enough to understand and my anxious son puts him in his place as he should! Virgil has no shits to give!

“You’re much smarter than they make you believe! They just want you to stop thinking for yourself!” A frustrated growl escaped Virgil. Pulling uselessly on the powerful man’s shoulder, he tried to get him to look up” (Whatwashernameagain).

He calls the team out on their shit! He explains that Roman is only seeing the kinky stuff and goes on to explain what shipping is really about… Which makes me wonder if the man ships them as well… I wouldn’t put it past him the little angel.

“”It’s about liking two people and rooting for them, despite any opposition. People just care about both of you, even if you’re on different sides. It just shows that most of them aren’t as black and white as they all say. They aren’t the perfect, traditional families on the cereal boxes and they aren’t the masked activists throwing Molotov cocktails either. They’re just people who like some of both of your positions and they like you and him and what they like most is the idea of you two burying this feud and stop fighting. They want what you want, when it comes down to it, dude. For the arguing to end and people to just get along. I’m not making this up, look!”” (Whatwashernameagain).

This is really beautiful, and I feel privileged to be able to read it. Eva gets it, she really does. There are a few sentences here that I really want to point out though. For example, ‘It just shows that most of them aren’t as black and white as they all say’. Virgil is referring to the fact that most people aren’t just good or evil. The majority of people have done good things and they had done bad things… That is human nature. Everyone has regrets. Roman lives in a state in which he is required to see things in black and white, but the world doesn’t work like that. Very few things are so cut and dry. Virgil see this and he sees that Roman doesn’t. At this point Virgil has moved from shoulder angel to practically Roman’s conscious. He truly is a wonderful friend.

Roman, no doubt, doesn’t really stop to consider people in their daily lives. To him its always the people in the most dire of situation that he focuses on. I doubt he’d know how to handle someone if they just past him on the street. Of course, he is trained to think like this… He knows that he is trying to protect people’s way of life but never stops to consider the way they live their life.

‘They’re just people who like some of both of your positions and they like you and him and what they like most is the idea of you two burying this feud and stop fighting’. This feels like more foreshadowing but I’m going to bypass that because we’ve already discussed it. But it is a fantastic representation of both Logan and Roman and a reminder that nothing is black and white just as I mentioned previously. Logan is a good man doing bad things for good reasons and Roman is a good man doing good things for bad reasons. The Dreamer is an apt name… Roman’s ideas of good and evil are so fantastic they deserve to be in a dream. Luckily, Virgil is there to help guide him back to reality (once again pulling on the comparison between Remy and Virgil).

The next few paras are filled with such wholesome and beautiful images and art work that you really need to go re-read it (if you haven’t already. Its just so warm hearted and I love it. Also, I can’t draw so if someone wants to work up some art on the image Roman describes about the glitter in his hair and the dipping Logan I will gladly share it EVERYWHERE!!!! (just link it to me K?)

Also, the argument with the wall of pictures and Roman’s wall of postcards and pinatas gives me life…. My chest aches with it. I can also really appreciate that Eva describes the works of the two arguing so often. Obviously, this would be understandable because the two are on opposite sides but also Roman’s association with affection /is/ arguments which no doubt only reinforces Virgil’s point that these are wholesome and good when Roman sees the two of them arguing. I just love it so much.  

There are so many that Eva lists…. …. …. Honest opinion: At this point, she’s just indulging herself… I approve whole heartedly LOL XP.

It is also possible that these are real fan arts of Logan and Roman and though I don’t have the time to look them up at the moment you bet your sweet IQ that I will be after I get this posted!

In all of these images there is one striking similarity that I must point out: Roman and Logan are depicted as EQUALS. Why is this important? Roman had never been treated as an equal by anyone until he met Logan and Logan began to take the time to argue with him, treating him as if he were worth changing his mind. His father doesn’t even bother with that (yes, I know that I’ve already covered this). The point being, it is very important for Roman to feel valued and equaled, that is one of the reasons why the images provided by his team were so disturbing and that is also one of the reasons why these images are so inspirational to him.

““I don’t understand.” He muttered, glancing at his own tablet, filled with data carefully compiled for him.

Virgil’s gaze was worried.

“I guess there are things they’d rather you don’t see, for whatever reasons. Maybe you’ll let me double check the info they give you from now on, man. I get unrestricted internet.”

“Oh. I didn’t know the internet here was restricted.” Roman muttered softly. His head was buzzing. He huddled closer to Virgil, gazing at the images without really seeing them. He felt like everything he knew was shaken in its foundations” (Whatwashernameagain).

Virgil my sweet sweet baby boy, you’ve done it! You’ve finally gave Roman the realization that he needed! Finally, Roman’s eyes are open to just how manipulative his team is and how damaging that can be. Finally, he is seeing what is going on! Now all that’s left is to win the revolution and kick them to the curb!

This is not going to be easy of course. Everything Roman believes and everything he thinks he knows has been affected. His trust has been shaken. Whatever road Roman is about to walk down, it is not going to be easy for the poor man.

******

I apologize for Part 4 being so long, but I’ve limited myself to 4 parts per chapter and it has been quite difficult.

As always, I want to thank Eva for writing so beautifully and being so supportive of my ramblings.

I would also like to remind everyone that I don’t proof read these because I am surprisingly lazy when it comes to my own work.

I also LOVE hearing from you guys so plz plz plz drop me an ask or a message if you feel up for it. I promise I don’t bite unless you ask me to. <3 I also love questions and theories so hit me up with those too!

Be sure to leave Eva some love on AO3 and tumblr as well! She is incredibly nice and always fun to talk to! Also, if you haven’t already read her other work (like KHS) I highly recommend it.

For now, I will be waiting with bated breath with the rest of you for The Dreamer Chapter 3! ^.^ Until then, I hope to see you all around! <3

           “Abstract Search.” Full Abstract, https://abstracts.societyforscience.org/Home/FullAbstract?AllAbstracts=True&Category=Any+Category&FairCountry=Any+Country&FairState=Any+State&ProjectId=4987.Pocket-lint.

Anderson CA, Shibuya A, Ihori N, Swing EL, Bushman BJ, Sakamoto A, Rothstein HR, Saleem M. Violent video game effects on aggression, empathy, and prosocial behavior in eastern and western countries: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin. 2010;136:151–173.

Browne KD, Hamilton-Giachritsis C. The influence of violent media on children and adolescents: A public-health approach. The Lancet. 2005;365:702–710.

Carnagey NL, Anderson CA, Bushman BJ. The effect of video game violence on physiological desensitization to real-life violence. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 2007;43:489–496.

Center for Research Excellence Video consumer mapping survey. 2009 Retrieved from Center for Research Excellence web site: http://www.researchexcellence.com/research/research.php.

FaithWorld (26 October 2015). "Kabul University unlikely host for first Afghan women's studies programme". Blogs.reuters.com. Retrieved 2 November 2015.

"Gender Studies". Whitman College. https://archive.is/20121212181127/http://www.whitman.edu/content/genderstudies

Jaschik, Scott (10 November 2005). "Indiana Creates First Gender Studies PhD". The last decade has seen the number of women's studies PhD programs grow to at least 10 – most of them relatively new. Last week, Indiana University's board approved the creation of a program that will be both similar and different from those 10: the first doctoral program in the United States exclusively in gender studies.

Pharmacy Times, https://www.pharmacytimes.com/news/do-poisonous-mushrooms-have-a-pharmaceutical-purpose.

Rivkin, Julie. Literary Theory: a Practical Introduction. Wiley-Blackwell, 2017.

Whatwashernameagain. “The Dreamer - Chapter 2.” Hello Guys Gals And Non Binary Friends, 8 Sept. 2019, https://whatwashernameagain.tumblr.com/post/189407228487/the-dreamer-chapter-2?is_related_post=1.

[child-of-sunshine]

Just gotta rant for a minute so this is going under a cut

I can’t stand the way tumblr in general talks about “rich people” (which they can’t define to save their fucking lives) and particularly when they mention “millionaires” as though it actually means something significant in terms of wealth. 

First, no one seems to understand that by today’s inflated standards, a million dollars really isn’t that much. A quick google search will tell me that the average “middle-income” parent in America will spend over 250k to raise a child from birth to 18 years old. If a couple has 4 kids, they’re already spending over a million dollars on those kids. Yes, that’s over 18 years, but it’s still meaningful.

If a person makes 100k, which is supposedly the 85th percentile of income, it only takes them 10 years to make a million dollars. And yes, obviously they’re spending money too, and it’s not like their savings or their net worth are going to be a million in that time, but people don’t even seem to comprehend that their earnings over that time would literally be a million. Someone earning the average American income, let’s say 50k because I get conflicting information from various sources, would only take 20 years to earn a million dollars.

And calling “millionaires” (putting that in quotes because people (a) do NOT understand the difference between net worth and actual liquid assets or even income) rich, particularly in the context of the “eat the rich” rhetoric, is ridiculous. I know this site has a serious problem with black-and-white thinking, but for fuck’s sake.

Let’s take a look at my parents.

My dad grew up in a relatively low-income household. His mother’s grandparents came straight from Italy with a few dollars in their pockets and nothing else. Her family struggled to get food on the table at times. She worked very hard as a seamstress and married a man who had a good job at Ford back when that meant actual benefits including into retirement, and so they managed to raise two boys without having to worry too much about being able to afford food or housing. They saved like crazy and spent the minimum that they possibly could on themselves, so that when they reached retirement, they had a pretty decent amount of savings for the rest of their lives and could finally enjoy some luxury vacations and get a small but nice house in Florida.

My mom grew up in a truly low-income household. She was the youngest of five siblings living in a tiny, shitty town in Nowhere, Michigan, with two parents who smoked constantly, in a house that sat next to some kind of horrifying mystery waste pond (she and both of her sisters had cancer, my mom at just 36, and one of her brothers died from some kind of unknown neurological deterioration). Her father got TB and spent time in a sanitarium, after which he became a withdrawn alcoholic and then died relatively young. Her mother became depressed, stopped working, and died of cancer. My mom lost both of her parents in her early 20s, before she even met my father.

Both of my parents were gifted with the great privileges of great brains and being white. Even in their crappy hick town in the middle of nowhere, my mom managed to be in the top of her class (of 56 whole people) in high school and earned a scholarship to a state university, literally the only way she could have afforded to attend. My dad worked to pay for his college as far as I know (because back then you could actually do that). They both got bachelor’s degrees. My dad became an engineer, a good career, and quickly found a job with a relatively new, small local company. He worked extremely hard, long hours for years and moved up to being a manager, and the company has grown a lot over the 25+ years he’s now worked there, with the result that he now makes a low six-figure salary. My mom took a computer programming course after realizing her journalism degree wouldn’t get her much paid work, and has worked as a programmer for 25+ years now, switching jobs sometimes, usually making somewhere in the 60-70k range in the last decade or so.

My mother got pregnant with my sister around the time she and my dad got engaged. She was working a crappy programming job and he’d barely started as an engineer, making nowhere near six figures. They lived in a trailer park, in a trailer with a hole in the floor and steps that were a safety hazard. She’d spent some time living with her sister, who’s 13 years older than her and never had children (thus had a house and some savings). My dad’s mother, the seamstress, made my mom’s wedding dress for free as long as my mom bought the material for it, which was just about all they could afford. They had a nice, small wedding when my sister was about 2 (she was afraid of my mom’s dress lmao) and one of my cousins took the pictures.

Four years after my sister was born, my parents had saved up enough to put a down payment on our house, a moderate-sized family home in a suburban neighborhood that was just being built. The house was a little over 200k. She got pregnant with me and the house was finished just after I was born.

My mom got cancer when I was 2 years old. They haven’t talked to me much about it. Her sister spent a lot of money to buy her a really nice wig made of animal hair (which, unfortunately, she could rarely wear because it made her very itchy). She went through surgery, chemo, and radiation. She spent months sick as hell and miserable, while trying to raise two young daughters. Thankfully, they’d saved enough to be able to handle the medical bills, particularly with my dad’s good job that had good benefits and, by then, was paying him a pretty decent salary. My mom recovered, thankfully (over 20 years in remission now!).

In 2008, when the recession hit, my mom lost her job quickly. She tried finding new ones but couldn’t. No one was hiring programmers, they were getting rid of them. Her depression got a lot worse. I was in high school and depressed myself (in large part because of the situation at home, though my parents don’t know it, that became suicidal depression a while afterward), and they had to start paying for therapy for me. My sister was in college and had to try to pay for it herself because my parents’ college fund for her hadn’t gone as far as they’d hoped. My dad’s company supplies machines to auto manufacturers. They were worried. They laid off some people, thankfully not my dad, and others had to take pay cuts. My parents started sitting down and seriously going over finances. My mom and I had to completely quit figure skating, my only physical stress outlet (like I said, that contributed a LOT to the severe depression). We had to cut down the grocery bills and think about not buying gifts for family members’ birthdays and such. My grandparents, happily retired by then with good savings, paid off the rest of our mortgage and told my dad to pay them back without interest whenever he could, so that no matter what happened with the jobs, we at least wouldn’t have to worry about losing our house. I listened to my parents scream at each other over money and I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights.

Guess what? My dad is a millionaire. Definitely not in liquid assets, but in net worth he probably just barely hits 1 million. He now makes a low six-figure salary and when the economy is doing okay, he invests some of it in the stock market, mostly in low-risk stocks that are guaranteed to have payouts (I don’t know a lot about this, so that’s all I’ll say). He inherited/learned his dad’s extreme money-saving ways and saves as much as possible. He’s an engineer and very handy, so whenever possible he does home and car repairs himself to save a lot of money. I managed to get a scholarship that covered almost all of my undergrad tuition, I lived at home for half of undergrad and all of med school to save money, I worked in retail in undergrad and as an EMT in med school to pay for some of my own stuff, and they didn’t pay for any of my med school tuition, so that’s it for their educational expenses for me. My mom’s had a good, stable job for the last few years that pays in the low 80k range, I think. We live in a house worth ~250k that we now fully own thanks to my grandparents. 

A few years ago, my dad’s brother bought a crappy, tiny, nearly-condemned cabin in the woods up north for about 20k (seriously, it was shit). He and my dad put in a few hundred dollars and a TON of time and manual labor to fix it up, and now we pay half the bills on it and both of our families use it for vacations. We have a small (19ft) boat that my dad bought as a gift for my mom when she had cancer--he got it extremely cheap from a guy who’d bought it, barely used it, and just wanted rid of it. It’s a 1994 and full of problems now, but we’ve managed to keep it going (barely, at times) and my dad has taken really good care of it over the years. A friend of my dad’s got him into snowmobiling about a decade ago and once his brother bought the cabin and they fixed it up, my dad got a cheap, crappy used snowmobile, which he used for a few years before reselling it and upgrading to an actually nice, new one, because yeah, he could afford it. He’s upgraded a couple times, good for him. When I actually have the time off, I go up with him in the winter and ride one of his old ones that he kept and fixed after it had an engine problem. It doesn’t cost much to renew the trail permits each year and I borrow my uncle’s gear for riding, so other than the initial cost of the sleds, it really costs us nothing to go riding (gas is extremely negligible in snowmobiles, they can go 120+ miles on a single 8 gallon tank, and we store them ourselves at the cabin so we don’t pay for that). We store the boat in our garage at home (like I said, it’s small) so other than the permit and gas for that when we take it out, again, really no continuous expense.

My parents pay all of their taxes without trying to do any bullshit work-arounds. They don’t have a lawyer or a tax accountant or a financial advisor, my dad does it all himself. He keeps track of all of our finances himself. We don’t pay a landscaping service or a cleaning service or any of that crap, we do it all ourselves like any other middle-class family. My mom donates regularly to charities for cancer, animal rescues, and injured veterans. 

But to tumblr, incapable of seeing nuance, we’re “one-percenters (absolutely nowhere near true) who own a house and have a ‘vacation home’ and a boat and recreational vehicles” so we’re pretty much just as bad as Bezos, because anyone who isn’t actively struggling to put food on the table or in horrible medical debt because of our disaster of a system is apparently “rich” and there’s no such thing as shades of gray.

[go-diane-winchester]

My post was flagged

Apparently this post was misreported for mature content.

So this is what the hellers do.  When they don't have a counterargument, they do the cowardly thing and flag my post.  There is not adult content on my post.  In fact, I go out of my way, not to use swear words.  The fact that they did this, makes me glad that I am hitting a nerve.  The post is under content appeal and Tumblr will see for themselves that there is no vulgarity in my post.  So their entire effort was for naught.  Nice try though. 

P. S. That post just earned a like. 

Edit:

I think I know which heller coward flagged my post for adult content.  Tada!

The only heller who was stupid enough to respond was this one.  And she responds a lot.  When you are dumb, you really shouldn't speak so much.  She lost a previous, extremely stupid argument with me, insulted me and the blocked me.  I know this because all of her other dumb messages disappeared too.  She was actually following me at one point.  I don't know why.  I contradict everything she likes:  false cries for representation, bi Dean, Misha adoration, destiel and yet she followed me.  I got a notification that's how I know.  I pointed out this out and got a reply.

None of my posts have profanity, unless I am screenshotting another person's post or quoting someone.  I tag as I wish.  If you don't like it, keeps scrolling.  My tagging wont kill you, snowflake.  When I asked her cowardly self if she flagged me with lies, this is what she said.

Yep, this festering pile of moldy turd did it.  I know this because I have maintain a no-profanity stance even in my comments.  That is how I know she's lying.  She told me off again and then said goodbye.  I expressed my happiness at her departure with the parenthesis that I think she will return because she has no shame.  True to form, she returned with this. 

This is Misha's fanbase:  Chock full of disgusting liars, with terrible taste in truly hideous men.  They are cowards.  They are destructive, cancerous entities and it is not for nothing that they are the most reviled people in this fandom.  Their ship is 10 years old and still not canon, neither will it ever be canon.  They stan a creepy loser who is untalented, who is losing popularity by the hour, and who forces his shippy filth on Jensen even though he knows Jensen doesn't like it.  And when this show is over, they will be known as the people who ruined this fandom.  Congratulations on being a plague. 

[httplovecraft1890]

Tomie Head Canon Extravaganza

"'Don't talk about life or death,' she said. 'I've had enough of both.'" - The Waterboys, “A Girl Called Johnny” (1983)

I haven’t actually seen one of these floating around, and most of this is honestly just kind of fic material, but I figured I’d go ahead and just put up a general mapping of Tomie’s personal history that I recently sat down and came up. While it will be used for my own stories, anyone is free to use aspects of it if they so wish for their own stuff (RP, etc.), and while I understand some might be turned off by ‘explaining the monster’ given Ito’s penchant for not giving his audiences explanations, it was a fun mental exercise.

(Unknown who the original artist is, but I believe they’ve deleted their Tumblr account since making it)

Family History

“Gonna hang myself from my family tree.” - Sparks, “In My Family” (1974)

The Kawakami family’s origins lie in the southern half of Japan in what is modern day Shimane prefecture before they traveled further south to the port of Nagasaki, where for much of their history they remained as a family of fishermen. In 1588, they were among the first to be converted by the Portuguese at their diocese in the region, a faith that Tomie’s father maintained up until his death in 1974. Her mother’s family, the Hashimotos, had historically always been soldiers and could trace her ancestry to samurai in the employ of the Tokugawa shogunate in the city of Sagamihara in Kanagawa prefecture. 

Her father, Abraham Kawakami (1937-1974) - Japanese Christians oftentimes adopt Western names or will utilize both a traditional one as well as another and there was no way I was missing out an opportunity to have her dad’s name mean ‘father of many’ - was part of the country’s noveau riche that had sprung up during the post-World War II American occupation that benefited with the abolition of the aristocracy and breaking up of the zaibatsu following their nation’s defeat. The Kawakami family under the enterprise of Abraham’s dad, Peter, changed professions and began a steel plant back in their old homeland of Shimane, based out of Tokyo. With an eager foreign backer ready to help rebuild the islands to prevent the spread of Communism, Peter’s competitiveness and aggressive but fair business practices led his family to wealth virtually overnight. Despite this, Peter always had poor health throughout his life and was really only building an empire so that his son might take over in his stead after he passed on. His mother, Mary (also descended from a line of Japanese Christians), was a homemaker and did not adjust well to being a CEO’s wife, preferring to avoid functions as much as she could

Tomie’s mother, Chouko Hashimoto (1932-present), was one of the most popular actresses - and sex symbols - in the 1950s and 1960s in Japan, starring in everything from TV shows, movies, and even radio programs, getting her start in the 1951-1957 historical soap opera, How Silent Fall the Cherry Blossoms, set during the Meiji Restoration at just 19. Chouko’s, and Tomie’s, good looks are somewhat genetic as her father, Toshiro Hashimoto, was a prestigious pilot for the Imperial Japanese Army Air Service and was known for appearing in news broadcast reels as propaganda for the war due to his clean cut, handsome appearance. He did not live to see the end of the war, however, and his plane was shot down during opening hours of the Battle of Okinawa (April 1, 1945). Though she would always deny it publicly in interviews, her radio body of work was directly inspired by her mother’s, Ai, role as a ‘Tokyo Rose’ during the final days of the war (a term used by Americans to refer to female Japanese broadcasters fluent in English who tried to goad them into deserting the armed services). 

Despite Peter’s religiosity, it was something that only came intermittently to Abraham. Scarred by the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the war’s end, for a long time he was a lapsed Catholic, and didn’t take going to church particularly seriously - a source of friction between his parents and himself. It also didn’t help that in his father’s waning years before losing his battle with stomach cancer, Abraham took to all sorts of debauchery and heavy drinking, the latter causing his own inner demons to unleash themselves for the rest of his short life.

Chouko and Abraham met at a Christmas party hosted by Kawakami Metals in Tokyo in the winter of 1968 and hit it off. Quickly seeing one another for casual hookups, the situation became much more serious in early 1969 when Chouko found out she was pregnant, and a marriage ceremony was quickly held to save public face for both parties (in Abraham’s case especially important as Peter had died not long into the new year and he had been confirmed by the board of his family’s company as the new CEO). Given Japanese social mores, it was effectively the end of Chouko’s career as she would be expected to retire and raise the baby, as well as any other she and Abraham might have in the future - something that greatly disappointed and angered her. 

Tomie was born on October 31, 1969 in Tokyo, Japan (this is a reference to her first appearance in the shoujo magazine Monthly Halloween, as well as being 18 years from that year, a safe bet to assume the first chapter’s story takes place in as there is no mention of DNA testing on her remains - something that became commonplace as part of police procedures roughly at around this time). 

Her baptized name is Anna - a diminutive of Hannah, ‘favor’ or ‘grace’ in Hebrew - was a name her dad would refer to as, but something her mother wouldn’t, and was a source of tension between the two of them (given she was not a Christian), something that became more important to Abraham in the wake of his dad’s passing. This is a reference to the movie Tomie: Forbidden Fruit; the bit about her family being Christian is a nod to a throwaway scene from Tomie: Beginning where she quotes the bible, of all things.

Though much more bearable when her father was alive, Chouko’s treatment of Tomie as a child was always one of general detachment and disinterest at best, something that grew into actual abuse once Abraham’s illness, alcoholism, caught up with him in 1974 when after a night of heavy drinking at a party hosted at his family’s home, ended up with him drowning in his own vomit, only to be discovered by a 5-year-old Tomie the following morning.

Despite never marrying again, Chouko mistakenly believed herself set for life as she had taken the Kawakami surname, and the company’s founding documents made provisions for the family to receive a cut of the profits once control had been turned over to the board of directors. Never one to manage money well, despite the stipend she received, she and Tomie eventually found themselves living barely above the poverty line.

Childhood

“Mama's gonna make all your nightmares come true. Mama's gonna put all her fears into you. Mama's gonna keep you right here under her wing. She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing. ” - Pink Floyd, “Mother” (1979)

Unlike the girl that the manga-reading public is familiar with, Tomie growing up was a much different character at first. Despite being photogenic, she had an incredibly shy nature that often meant she would not open up to others easily, something that ultimately evolved into outright being emotionally stunted due to the frequent and varying types of abuse she received at the hands of a mother who hated her, seeing her as the reason her future had collapsed.

With the idea that talking = being hurt seared into her, Tomie’s school life was not much better than being at home. Her beautiful appearance meant that girls were frequently jealous of being shown up by her and her reticent demeanor towards others meant that boys saw her as stuck up or seeing herself above them. With school administrations loathe to address bullying, Tomie was an easy target for her peers to pick on. This only served to further the idea in her mind that human beings are capable only of cruelty and that kindness by others is only as good as how much they believe it will benefit them to act that way.

Reiko Mizutani was Tomie’s first - and only - real friend. They met in middle school in their first year, with Reiko being the first person who ever tried to reach out to her and establish some kind of human connection. Despite many of her initial attempts being rebuffed, Tomie ultimately relented in the hopes she would finally be left alone, but quickly latched onto the other girl when it became apparent that someone, at last, was treating her well. Even if perhaps on some level she believed it was a lie, it was a worthwhile delusion to hold, making her the one exception to Tomie’s rule about mankind. She’s also the only victim of hers that Tomie has ever felt any kind of remorse in eating/absorbing.

Speaking of Reiko, her efforts at getting Tomie to come out of her shell are also the very same thing that set her on her eventual downward spiral. At first simply trying to avoid further harassment, it became readily apparent to Tomie that it was easy to get things out of others by using false promises or at least feeding them enough bread crumbs that they’d be strung along by her for no other reason than they felt she was attractive or they happened to be intimidated by her. The older she became, the worse she got, though she she always did spare Reiko her later attitude when they were in private together.

The positive feedback loop of being awful to others yet simultaneously cowing them never made much of a difference at home. Even if she could put on a brave act while at school, it didn’t matter when facing Chouko’s wrath. Tomie being on the receiving end of physical violence didn’t begin with men, it instead began with her mother hitting her for minor mistakes, using her firsts or the closes object to her. Tomie’s numerous ‘boyfriends’ often remarked that the only thing imperfect about her were bruises or scars.

There was nothing particularly special about her relationship with Yamamoto or Mr. Takagi; she’d cheated on those she’d been in relationships before, but it was the first time that it had ever blown up in Tomie’s face. Despite not caring much for Yamamoto personally, it was Takagi who made the first move, which Tomie did reciprocate (the signature mole underneath her eye vaguely reminded Takagi of a porn star he liked) and being middle-aged meant that his tenure at Tomie’s school gave him a bit of money to throw around for compensated dating.

Manipulative and cruel as she ended up becoming in spite of Reiko’s best efforts, Tomie’s fear that she was pregnant was correct: she was indeed with child and afraid of the consequences, not only from the rest of society, but her mother especially. His later status as a thrall of Tomie’s posing as her father on numerous occasions is meant to reflect his attempted shirking of responsibility.

It fudges with the time frame a bit, but Tomie’s (first) death was on July 13, 1987 occurred exactly one week when they were supposed to go on summer break and the events of the first chapter occurred shortly after class 1-B’s return in August.  (This date in particular was chosen as it’s inverse of Junji Ito’s birthday July 31).

Life After Death

“I don't want a cycle of recycled revenge, I don't want to follow Death and all of his friends." - Coldplay, “Death and All His Friends” (2008)

Despite being close to her father growing up, it turns out his conception of the afterlife was wrong - or at least not applicable to her. Tomie ended up in Meido, or the Buddhist version of hell with some Chinese folklore tossed in. After crossing the River Sanzu to proceed onto the afterlife, Tomie’s soul immediately faces problems from the underworld’s bureaucracy. Namely that her life was a complicated one and that’s seriously effecting their judgment on her fate. None of the kings present can decide on what to do with her or what level she should end up on. Her lecherous and selfish behavior is something that would’ve normally damned her... but the circumstances of her death shock them. Betrayed by not only her teacher, but a classroom that almost entirely hated her? It was clearly an unwarranted punishment from mortals, an idea that they balk at. However, what seals Tomie’s fate is that among those who betrayed her is someone whose life is relatively free of any kind of bad karma: Reiko. Unsure of what to do in extenuating circumstances such as this, the kings make their decision.

With no options left, they kick Tomie out of Meido and onto a diferent plane entirely: that of the more traditional Japanese afterlife, Yomi. This, too, is much like the Western conception of purgatory though without any kind of the fire or brimstone seemingly found in the former location. Meido’s judges have determined that the only being who has the right to see Tomie’s fate decided satisfactorily is the primordial goddess Izanami.

Izanami, annoyed that this trivial matter is being brought before her, almost does away with Tomie’s soul entirely but she stops her, mentioning that the two of them are kindred. Since Izanami’s bet with her brother-husband eons ago saw her committed to killing more humans than he could bring into the world, Tomie believes that the only sensible solution is to have someone working in the mortal realm who can help expedite the process of creating strife. After all, the terms and conditions of the bet were vague and there was no specification from either party that the same soul passing on had to be different. With that in mind, as well as having her own deep seated desire to hurt men, Izanami acquiesces.

Tomie lays out her terms: she will be allowed to return to life as an agent of Izanami’s on her own terms. She cannot die permanently though her physical body may be destroyed, will not age unless she wills it, luck must forever fall in her favor, and she can manipulate anyone she chooses. Izanami agrees since to her something like this is trivial and it allows her to get back at Izanagi, but she requires one last thing: proof that Tomie is willing to uphold her end of the bargain. To that end, Tomie offers her the soul of her just formed child as compensation and is allowed to return to earth, setting up the events of the original Tomie.

Abilities and Powers

“I thought that I was in heaven But I was sure surprised. Heaven help me, I didn’t see The devil in your eyes.” - Elvis Presley, “(You’re the) Devil in Disguise” (1963)

Functionally speaking, Tomie’s manipulation of others works like she were an emotional vampire: the other person must be emotionally vulnerable, just like she was when Reiko met her years ago, for her to have an ‘in.’ If at some point you ‘fall in love with her’ or are weak enough to be unable to resist her, there’s nothing you can do to rid yourself of her until it’s too late. This ability is also not based on sexual attraction either. “Orphan Girl” proves that she can manipulate people based on nothing more than platonic affection as well, so straight women or gay men can’t even consider themselves safe.

Tomie prefers to revive herself from her own body rather than absorbing others. There are a few reasons for that, but the foremost one is that it’s simply less taxing on her. The other is that occupying the same body means sharing the same soul as another, and this is the reason why Tomies who are generated in others are far less cooperative than those who come from Tomie Prime (for lack of a better term). Traits from the previous girl’s life often find themselves seeping into this new version of Tomie and it’s something she absolutely despises. 

Eating human flesh as a quicker way of healing herself is, obviously, not something she agreed to do, but something Izanami forced her to do as it 1) amused her and 2) didn’t want Tomie getting too arrogant about her newfound powers.

Despite what was mentioned above about Tomie’s preferred regeneration methods, there is a benefit to taking in those who aren’t her. Tomie’s memories function much like a cloud computing system - they’re all accessible by any of the ghost clones and still exist even in the inevitable death of those who’re using them. Similarly, skill sets that Tomie could gain such as being able to speak/read/write English fluently, learning how to be a stewardess, the intimate knowledge of a particular mathematician become hers once her mind mingles with another’s. Once again similarly to a vampire, though, Tomie must manipulate the girl into letting her absorb them into herself (seen arguably in the manga chapter “Hair” and a frequent subject of the Tomie movies). She does this, in true Hollywood movie monster fashion, by keeping all the souls of the girls she’s absorbed over the years (or men who’ve been manipulated by her and died) to further her own abilities’ growth, thus explaining why she seems to get stronger as the series progresses. They are collected in a place her mind can sink into once it’s damaged enough called the ‘In-Between Place,’ a kind of personal fiefdom she has in Yomi itself.

Her effect on men, or women, who become attracted to her is very similar to a heavy sleep, with few being able to recall any details of their experiences while under her sway, but going from relatively normal and functioning within society to raving lunatics hellbent on her murder.

Unlike characters such as Deadpool or Wolverine, Tomie isn’t immune to the pain of being hurt. Getting cut, stabbed, electroctued, drowned, beaten with an object, etc. all still feel just as horrible as they would to a regular human, it’s just that they aren’t permanent obstacles. 

Shintoism places a high premium on the phrase “cleanliness is next to godliness.” The worlds of the living and dead are not meant to intertwine and historically even people who so much as touched corpses like butchers, graveyard workers, etc. formed an underclass called burakumin who were treated as the dregs of society (and soft discrimination still continues to this day despite the Meiji reforms abolishing the shogunate’s caste system). Fire being one of the few things that kill Tomie is an extension of this idea, as a common superstition is that corpses that are buried or left to rot above ground can become haunts for evil spirits, but turning someone to ashes prevents that possibility. It’s her one Achilles’ heel due to the paradoxical nature of her origin.

Though Tomie occasionally refers to herself as a ‘demon,’ as I explained early on, this is not accurate: she’s a ghost, albeit a physical one. Calling herself an oni, though, is more of her cheekily referring to the idea that her purpose is, technically speaking, a divine one... just in a very twisted manner as oni are often in depictions of versions of the afterlife among Japan’s main religions of Shintoism and Buddhism acting as tormentors or obstacles to be overcome in some fashion.

Her luck powers are not readily apparent, usually not even to her, and they often simply just ‘happen’ rather than occur by her will. Whether it be from a traveler who just happens to pass by her, surviving something just long enough to spin it in her favor, etc. there’s usually an out for Tomie, especially as her strength grows.

Once she’s powerful enough, Tomie probably could use men to revive herself with - or even those who aren’t ethnically Japanese - but she’s not quite there yet.

Tomie doesn’t like for there to be too many copies of herself at any given time if she can help it. Not only does it put suspicion on her presence in multiple locations at once, it’s something of a mental drain on her to be split into so many different bodies at once.

Similarly, while she hypothetically could leave Japan and go abroad, Tomie doesn’t dare do so out of the fear that at least one version of herself will die for good as her magic might very well be tied to the land itself. But, again, if she were to grow stronger then who knows what she could do...

Miscellaneous

"...Look at me, I'm all the fishes in the sea." - Fiona Apple, “Daredevil” (2012)

If you scrape underneath the surface, there really isn’t much of Tomie from a personality perspective. Even with her immortality, she never really ever developed a personality or interests. In many ways she’s still the terrified little girl cowering underneath her sheets at night, wondering if her mother will find an excuse to hurt her. Her sociopathy is learned, not inherent, but she still lacks genuine interests other than hoarding wealth just the same.

That said, her demand of caviar and foie gras is something of a personal joke for her. They were Chouko’s favorite luxury food items and she would often lament that she could no longer afford them after Abraham’s death. Even after all this time, Tomie is using her powers to spite her mother by obtaining something she knows she can’t have.

Despite the fact she seems virtually fearless on the surface, outside of Chouko, Tomie has developed an intense entomophobia (fear of insects) and helminthophobia (fear of worms) ever since she returned to life. If she’s partially healed like, say, a decapitated head she can still feel something like a cockroach nibbling at her flesh. Despite this, she does feel a spiritual connection so to speak with their hardiness.

The only man she’s ever genuinely loved was her father. She’s less angry at him dying than she is of him leaving her alone with her mother. All others are expendable tools at best to further her own goals.

Her favorite flowers are lilies, owing to Abraham’s childhood nickname for her (also ironic symbolism as white lilies are a common item in funeral arrangements in Japan as symbols of death).

She probably does enjoy sex, but is almost certainly highly selective of which of her thralls gets the ‘honor’ of touching her in that way (though innuendo is likely employed by her to get those who are more hesitant than others to give in to her). Even if she does find her partner agreeable, she probably still puts him down anyway, but playing it off as a kink.

In a break with many other Tomie fans, I don’t particularly think she’s lesbian; I’d personally phrase her sexuality as “doom” more than anything else. Men are her ‘preference,’ if it can be termed that, to stomp their egos into the dirt and ruin their lives, but if employing her usual tricks on women is necessitated in some manner, she wouldn’t hesitate to do so. Any perceived gentleness towards them is more due to having to break down Japan’s traditional sexual mores and get them to lower their guard, however.

She sees herself as personally being above morality, hence why disturbing chapters like “Boy” portray her as being overly physical with someone much younger than herself, while in “Passing Demon” an 8-year-old copy sees no issue with trying to seduce someone much older. That kind of thing is for humans - something she doesn’t believe herself to be anymore.

That said, in the In-Between Place, Tomie has kept Reiko’s spirit ‘alive’ as best she can. Unlike its ‘roommates,’ it’s the closest thing to how she was in life that’s still possible for her in her prison. If there’s anyone other than her father that Tomie can said to have loved, it would probably be Reiko, and she’s the only person Tomie probably romantically had any affection for (not that she would recognize it as such).

The laugh she’s often portrayed as having, a light, airy thing meant to imitate a noblewoman’s speech pattern, is actually something she manufactured. Tomie’s laugh - still possible to coax out of her if you surprise her well enough - is extremely dorky, including snorting and all.

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Daddy

Tumblr has been my quiet safe space for 8 years. This has been a place to grieve and be vulnerable. Much of what I compiled below for this week’s Measuring Monday was already written and shared here over the years. Only now am I beginning to share my writing more publicly and I am thankful for the space and community here when I was less brave.

The world lost a great man 11 years ago yesterday. My world especially got a lot dimmer and for sure a lot less funny.

My Dad was awesome. He was born in Brooklyn and raised on Long Island in the same town I grew up in. He was the first in his family to attend and graduate college (with an Art degree) and after being a hippie in Southern California for a few wanderlust months he went back for a Masters in Education.

My Dad was an art teacher in a low income, minority school district and he LOVED IT. He spent his ENTIRE 33-year career in the district. After teaching for 20ish years he went on to administration. He was a middle school assistant principal for a number of years and then a high school assistant principal for a number of years. They wanted him to be principal, but he didn’t want to deal with politics.

When I was in first grade my Dad started a Saturday enrichment program for K-12 students, he ran the program for 12 years. Some of my favorite childhood memories were from that program. My Dad also piloted a night school program within the school district so people could get their HS diplomas. My Dad was a pretty big deal in the K-12 Education world. Even after he retired he couldn’t stay away. The last year of his life he was teaching in an education certificate program at a Dallas Community College. My Dad was great at what he did.

We shared a love of many, many things, especially musicals. RENT was one of our favorites and after he died “Seasons of Love” took on a new meaning. I’m measuring those years within my “dash” (it’s a great poem if you are not familiar, look it up) in daylights - in sunsets - in midnights - in cups of coffee - in inches - in miles - in laughter - in strife and more.  Back in January 2010, a friend of mine challenged me to measure my year in cups of coffee, which lead to measuring my miles, my body, my health and the rest is history. I get a lot of joy and satisfaction in measuring my life. It makes life seem a little more permanent and a little less fleeting at times.

The last 3-4 years of his life I pretty much talked to my Dad every day, even multiple times a day. Since he was retired he was available to talk whenever. I generally would call him when I was walking to and from class in grad school. Even if it was just a few minutes we’d have a great chat. I can honestly say we were best friends. There are still times when I wish I had my Dad to call.

Our last day was a fabulous Daddy-Daughter day - we were dorks and really called them that. Little did I know that a week later he would be taken from me. I was living in North Texas at the time, 5 months into my first job out of grad school and I was going through a rocky patch. My Dad lived 2.5 hours away in Dallas and wanted to come up for the day to cheer me up. Plus my he was having gastric bypass surgery that Thursday and I really wanted to see him before then.

Part of the reason I moved to Texas was to be closer to my Dad. My parents got divorced after my freshman year of high school and he stayed local, but once I went to college we never lived in the same state. I was in Connecticut and he was in New York or Florida or Texas. I saw my Dad so much in those 5 months we both lived in Texas it was wonderful, some of our best times. I had a lot of ups and downs with my Dad, but our last few months were so much fun.

That last time we hung out I drove up to Oklahoma so we could go to the casino and play some slot machines. Well on the 20-mile drive to Oklahoma I get pulled over on a Sunday afternoon for doing 77 in a 70. I honestly wasn’t aware of my speed because it was an open road and because my Dad and I were singing along to the Aida soundtrack on the top of our lungs. I was so upset about the ticket, but my Dad comforted me and made me feel better, he always did. After the casino, we came back to my apartment, rearranged furniture, and just hung out.

I didn’t want him to leave. I had a sinking feeling about everything. That was the day he told me he was getting gastric bypass over a lap band. I wasn’t a fan of his decision to have either surgery, particularly not gastric bypass. He was 6'2 and 300-325 pounds MAYBE. He has lost 100 pounds through diet and exercise when I was in high school and he kept it off for 8 years before quickly gaining it back after he retired. I was disappointed that he was resorting to surgery. He had been talking about lap band for 6 months and talked to many doctors, went to consults etc. Then within a week of his surgery, his doctor talks him into gastric bypass.

His surgery was Thursday, a week before Thanksgiving. 3 days later that Sunday morning, November 18, 2017, my phone rings at 6:30am. I knew before I answered the phone that he was dead. He was still in the hospital and he essentially bled out internally. A blood transfusion and proper care could have saved his life. I was 2.5 hours away in North Texas not having been fully informed or able to fully comprehend post-op complications and too naive to realize I needed to come down. No twentysomething really thinks their Dad is going to die. I had just spent the prior Sunday with him and was scheduled to come down to Dallas Tuesday for the night before flying to NY for Thanksgiving.

I was devastated, I still am. My whole entire world forever changed. Everything about that day and the weeks and months that followed, including a failed wrongful death lawsuit due to the Texas good old boys club, was a nightmare. I sometimes wish I could “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” much of it.

He was 58, I was 24, and my sister was not quite 22. None of us were ready for him to be gone forever. My sister and I had already lost him once in 1998 when my parents separated and he moved out. To quote a friend who wrote about her Dad on his one year anniversary “I feel both lucky to have had my dad for so many years and angry that he was taken from me when I and he were too young. If I know anything better today than I did last year, it is exactly how complicated and messy life and death and grief are.”

My story is a complicated one on many levels. It’s a lot to bear, especially around the Holidays. Family drama and a Mother that I have a terrible relationship with makes things extra hard. There is no winning with her ever, my Dad was one of the few who really understood. I miss having him on my team. The sad reality is the 11 years that he’s been gone have also led to the 11 worst years in my relationship with my mom. A relationship that was rocky to begin with due to her alcoholism and emotional abuse.

The complications of life and death and grief were something I wasn’t expecting and it really causes tremendous pain. However, out of tragedy, I was finally able to find the motivation to get healthy and fit. I did the work, no shortcuts, no fad diets, and most importantly no surgery.

To quote a message from another friend years ago, about losing her mom, "Sometimes it takes the death of a loved one to wake us up. I consider that a lasting gift from my parent.” I found such comfort and hope in those words. My Daddy didn’t need that surgery and didn’t need to die. Sadly he did, but I refuse to let my weight control my life. I also couldn’t have his death be in vain. So in 2010, I started running, I took charge of my health. I also started fundraising for Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure (ABC2) since most people who have lost loved ones find solace in charity work and there wasn’t a community for my loss out there. So I adopted David Cook’s charity of choice since watching American Idol during those dark months that followed helped me get through each week.

And here I am 11 years later and in the best shape of my life thus far. I thank my Dad for that lasting gift no matter how painful it’s been. I only wish he was here to see me now and the wonderful all-around person I am today.

I’ll leave you with this. One quote I remember my Dad telling to me in a time of struggle in my life was, “Plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” That quote has meant so much to me over the years. YOU only have one life and YOU need to make the most of out of, right now.

Love you Daddy.

RDJ 4/25/49-11/18/07

[delving-unstopped]

❀ �� ✖ ♒

da salt 

❀ What has made you completely lose your chill?❥ Has someone ever ruined an FC or character for you?

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started?                

♒ Thoughts on the fandom you're currently rping in?                

((.w.

imma do these in order, in bullet points

Very little legitimately causes me to completely lose my chill. I’m not exactly a patient man, but I know how to keep my anger in check.Nothing on Tumblr that I can remember has caused me to do this, but whenever I play Dark Souls 3, there are two major things that can cause me to easily lose my temper.1: Running into toxic player after toxic player. A “toxic player” in DS3 is someone who uses cancerous (lack of a better term there) builds/weapons, and uses the point down gesture from my understanding.One toxic player isn’t enough to piss me off, but running into them one after another is grating.2: Dying to the same boss over and over, for generally stupid reasons on my part or because the boss is being bullshit. DS3′s mechanics aren’t perfect, and you could legitimately blame some deaths on the boss being bullshit. Not all, but some.

Yes.There’s only one character in mind, and it wasn’t ruined because of one particular person.That character is Sans, from Undertale. The character is awesome imo, but the fandom and the people who RPed him were... well, most of them were/are mediocre at best in how they portrayed him. It was completely off-canon.In all honesty, the UT fandom completely fucked me over regarding even the skeleton OCs in that fandom. I got extremely picky on who I followed if they RPed any kind of skeleton for the fandom.Sans was/is one of those characters most people in both the general fandom and RP scene took and basically ignore the canon game regarding his character and personality. And that actually saddened me, because Sans was (and still is, regarding the actual canon game Sans) one of my favorite characters.

Honestly? I think everyone’s just gotten tired of shit and being treated like shit. There’s way less drama (on my dash, at least), people seem to just be... tired, and everyone in general seems a bit more open about how they actually feel about different subjects.Then again, my window of the tumblr RP scene is very limited. I only follow 199 blogs in total, which can easily skew my view of the situation as a whole.

The MiA fandom? Honestly, I really can’t say much else than it seems calmer than the UT fandom, the only other fandom I’ve really been invested in.I’ll quote a friend on this, but as of right now, MiA is, “a better Undertale” in terms of its fandom and RP community. It’s small, but the people in it have all been friendly and welcoming, and the people who play the canon characters actually seem to be paying attention to what those characters are like in the manga/anime.

[visualsymphony]

RWoT - an explanation/ Faq

Why do I do Real Women of Tumblr?  This is the main question that is frequently asked of me. 

There used to be a woman on Tumblr who I befriended, many of us did.  She has since gone off Tumblr for her own reasons, and I have not heard from her since. I will say her friendship and her messages are missed.    @thesubkitten  started the Real Men Of Tumblr, which I participated in every time.   

One day she and I were talking and I said, “Someone should do this for the women of Tumblr.” 

She said, “Yes you should.”   And so it was. ;) 

I started doing it in October by chance, and have done one mid-year but I prefer October. October is Breast Cancer Awareness and a lot of the women choose to show off their breasts as part of who they are.   Breast Cancer claims too many beautiful lives.  Almost everyone I know has been affected by it or by losing someone they know from it.  It’s a disease that knows no race, no age, no religion, and no gender, as men can get it too.  

I get a lot of women asking me what kind of posts I would like.  I want their posts to be how they feel they want to express themselves, their femininity, their personality, who they are.  

I have had people ask if I would remove the no genitals rule.  I will not.  Here’s my reasoning why.  Too often women are seen as primarily sex objects.  I don’t want the women of Tumblr to be just objects.  They are real women who go to work at jobs, stay home with kids, are artists, business women, entrepreneurs, musicians, poets, moms, sisters, daughters, boss ladies, etc.  They are more than what their bodies are.  They are the beautiful person inside that body.  Their bodies are all beautiful.  They have born children, fought disease, survived abuse, or simply battled the passage of time.   

I have a great respect for women.  I love women. I could write an endlessly long explanation of all the things to love about women.  

What do I do with the photos sent to me? I am also a gentleman.  I feel an extreme honour in that so many women place their trust in me to give them advice on what to post... and then they send me photos of themselves that they maybe would never send to anyone.    I keep my promises and delete all photos, emails, etc from my computer once the postings are made. If a woman requests her post be removed I have done that as well out of respect for her.  If she requests no one to reblog it,  I make sure it’s noted on the post.   

Does this bring me lots of followers? This event brings me a lot of followers, but it’s not about that.  Most of those go away after the event is over.  For me it’s about giving tribute and showing respect for women, the real every day women in our lives -- not the starlets, the models, the porn stars, the photo-shopped to perfection ideal the media presents us.  

Do the posts have to have something written to go with them?  Something I added to the RWoT was putting quotes and writings about women with the photographs, or along with them.  That will continue.  So feel free to also submit your favourite quotes to go along with the photos. Sometimes people just want their own words with their photo or words from their partner.  Those are fantastic additions too. 

I have been getting submissions and I am very excited about this year’s RWoT event.  :)  There are a lot of first time submissions and I hope we will see some of the former RWoT submit as well. 

And if @thesubkitten is still out there... you are missed! 

How and when are submissions taken? 

Submissions are taken until Friday October 13 at noon, though time permitting for setting up the queue, late comers may be accepted or given the option to be added to the next edition of RWoT.  Posts are random, and in no particular order. All submissions will be tagged #RWoT and #RealWomenofTumblr. 

I expect those reblogging images from RWoT to maintain the spirit of the submission and not use these women’s photos for your own personal use.  Abuse of this will be reported. 

[azkabcn-archive]

All the TMI questions! I can't wait to get to know you as well! - Secret Santa

Sorry for answering this so late, friend! I’ve had things come up that I’ve needed to deal with which has been just ugh…

Anyway, I am here now to give you the answers to all your burning questions ;)

I hope your December is going okay! 

1: What are you wearing?

Black and white striped turtleneck, black trousers, black blazer…. I like black okay…

2: Ever been in love?

Yep. It’s a nice feeling :)

3: Ever had a terrible breakup?

Two breakups ago, it ended in a terrible, suicidal breakdown on my part, while he got on with his life. It was great. 

4: How tall are you?

5′…

5: How much do you weigh?

Around 9 stone, I think

6: Any tattoos do you want?

ALL OF THEM. In all siriusness though, I want a Canis Major on my left upper arm, the ending lyrics to Far Away by Nickelback (Keep breathing, cause I’m not leaving you anymore; believe it, hold on to me and never let me go) on my right upper arm because that’s my damn favourite song, a bunch of HP tats, you know what I just want to be inked all over

7: Any piercings that you want?

I��m debating on whether I want my nose done…

8: OTP?

I have many, but Wolfstar, Drarry, and Captain Swan are my top three…

9: Favorite Show?

Probably Lucifer. 

10: Favorite bands?

Nickelback, always number 1. Seether is great too though ngl

11: Something you miss?

Being happy. Being carefree. Having impeccable mental health. My only worry being missing the programmes on TV before school. I miss my entire childhood, is what I’m trying to say. A time when I wasn’t told to kill myself by my own mother. A time when I felt loved by my parents. A time when I wasn’t a disappointment. A time when I wanted to stay alive.

12: Favorite song?

Right now it’s All Too Well by Taylor Swift, but my all time favourite song is Far Away by Nickelback

13: How old are you?

17

14: Zodiac sign?

Cancer

15: Hair Color?

Black

16: Favorite Quote?

‘Until the very end’ - James Fleamont Potter

17: Favorite singer?

Taylor Swift. Shoot me. I don’t care.

18: Favorite color?

Probably green

19: Loud music or soft?

So loud it’s almost like I’m not thinking

20: Where do you go when you’re sad?

Into my brain where I get even more sad….

21: How long does it take you to shower?

Typically 10 minutes, but when I’m depressed I like to drown out everything with the gush of water so probably like an hour.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Not more than 15 minutes

23: Ever been in a physical fight?

With myself, many times.

24: Turn on?

Things… ;)

25: Turn off?

My life.

26: The reason I joined Tumblr? 

For Johnlock, unfortunately… *sigh*

27: Fears?

Losing the people that make me happy, always having to be around people that hurt me.

28: Last thing that made you cry?

My mom…. how depressing is that?

29: Last time you cried?

This morning, as soon as I woke up, thanks to my mother. Yep.

30: Meaning behind your url

Christmas!

31: Last book you read?

I can’t remember, it’s been so long since I picked up a book *sobs*

32: Last song you listened to?

All Too Well by Taylor Swift

33: Last show you watched?

Lucifer, I think

34: Last person you talked to?

Physically, my dad

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted?

my partner @deer-irony (ilysm

36: Favorite food?

Probably lasagne 

37: Place you want to visit?

Idk, probably my bed

38: Last place you were?

At home, unfortunately

39: Do you have a crush?

Yeah, my relationship would get very awkward if I didn’t lmao

40: Last time you kissed someone?

Years ago. Thanks distance, ly2 

41: Last time you were insulted and what was it?

This morning, ‘you’re an idiot who’s never going to get anywhere in life’ 

42: What colour underwear are you wearing?

Blue, lmao

43: What colour shirt are you wearing?

Black and white

44: What colour bottoms are you wearing?

Black

45: Wearing any bracelets?

Nope

46: Last sport you played?

Fuck knows, haven’t touched a sport since 2015

47: Last song you sang?

Love Story by Taylor Swift

48: Last prank call you remember doing?

Oh, it was years ago. I can’t remember omfg

49: Last time you hung out with anyone?

With my best friend this lunchtime

50: Favorite movie?

Definitely, Maybe (2008) dir. Adam Brooks

[whitelieanxiety]

"some of you think you know better keeping your wax wings in tact while shrugging off the others like me who were also given wax wings wrapped in a yearning for melting" . . . for those of you who don't know, drug addiction is just as sad a disease as any other that lands you in the hospital. hospital = where you go to get help if you're sick. addiction is a sickness and those struggling should be treated as such, someone struggling with a disease. some families are predisposed to cancer or heart disease; some families have predispositions to drug addiction in their genes. we are all fighting, some of us are winning some days and losing others. but what pisses me off is the winners looking down on those struggling to get it right today. how many other days did that person battle and succeed? do you know? No. Please be courteous to all people affected by the loss of a loved one or a sick family member, no one wants to lose someone they love to a disease too soon. Stay safe, stay humble. thanks for reading 🖤 . . . . . . . . . . . . #poet #poetry #poetryisnotdead #poetrycommunity #tyzeanahpoetry #herheartpoetry #writtenword #wordstoliveby #thoughts #poetryofig #poemsofinstagram #qotd #quotes #wordporn #poetslife #poetsofig #tumblr #poetsociety #handwriting #penandink #bymepoetry #addiction #disease #recovery #love #waxmelts #icarus #loss #family #friends #strength #humility #people #compassion #sickness (at Santa Cruz, California)

[myliobatiste]

85 question game
I was tagged by @thetinybabiesareafterme4
rules: answer these 85 statements and tag twenty people the last… drink: milk
phone call: to my mom about her confusing text message
text message: to the vet I work with about cupcakes
song you listened to: United States of Eurasia by Muse
time you cried: yesterday, because my dog died and I got handed a puppy at work 
dated someone twice: uhhhh haha 
kissed someone and regretted it: nah
been cheated on: nah
lost someone special: oh yeah
been depressed: yep
gotten drunk and thrown up: nah three favourite colours: dark blue, black, iridescent anything in the last year have you… made new friends: yep
fallen out of love: nah
laughed until you cried: so many times. Like at my big sister’s cat’s lick reflex
found out someone was talking about you: not really
met someone who changed you: so many people
found out who your friends are: yes
kissed someone on your facebook list: yep ~general how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? All but like three
do you have any pets? …just one now, sadly. My old Newfie passed two days ago so I just have my cat. 
do you want to change your name? Nah
what did you do for your last birthday? I went to work, my mom dropped off a chocolate cake and my coworkers sang to me 😅
what time did you wake up? 9:00 am
what were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping
name something you can’t wait for: the rest of Rick and Morty S3
when was the last time you saw your mum: she’s standing in front of me
what are you listening to right now? My mom talk about school
have you ever talked to a person named tom? Once yeah
something that is getting on your nerves: my mosquito bites
most visited website: tumblr
hair colour: almost too dark to call it blonde but blonde
long or short hair: super short
do you have a crush on someone? Yes indeed
what do you like about yourself? The fact that I can pass for either gender depending on my clothing. 
piercings: just ears 
blood type: O+
nickname: Kat, Meow Meow, Jerk
relationship status: bewildering
zodiac: sun sign is cancer and I feel bad because @thetinybabiesareafterme4 ’s mom did my moon and rising signs and I cannot for the life of me remember what they were
pronouns: typically she/her/hers but I found out recently that I answer promptly to “sir"
favourite tv show(s): Rick and Morty, GOT, OITNB, Sense8, RWBY
tattoos: not yet
right or left handed: right
surgery: nope
sport: swimming
vacation: Key West
pair of trainers: my silver high tops ~more general eating: triple chocolate cupcake
drinking: water
i’m about to: leave for my haircut
waiting for: when I can get more sushi
want: to live a life without regrets
get married: maybe if I feel like it
career:either vet surgeon on marine biologist which is better? hugs or kisses: depends on the person I’m receiving from
lips or eyes: eyes
shorter or taller: taller
older or younger: older but just a little bit older
nice arms or nice stomach: I find stomachs really cute in their own way so stomachs
hookup or relationship: relationship
troublemaker or hesitant: I talk like a troublemaker but I’m hesitant have you ever… kissed a stranger: nope
drank hard liquor: nah
lose glasses/contact lenses: A L L T H E T I M E turned someone down: Yes
sex on the first date: no
had your heart broken: ugh too much
been arrested: nah
cried when someone died: every time
fallen for a friend: …more like gracefully and willingly tumbled do you believe in… yourself: most of the time
miracles: yeah
love at first sight: sometimes
santa claus: nah
kiss on the first date: hell yeah if we thing the other’s cute
angels: yeah other eye colour: blue and green
favourite movie: anything by Hayao Miyazaki Tagging: @catholiccrackaddict @danielhowell @elinetheraven @fishingboatproceeds @geekasaur @madlyhazel @mibhine @neil-gaiman @obamawhitehouse @theorlandojones @utter-trash-no194 @williamsherlockholme @simplyagameoffandoms @avangee @amazingphil @rick-and-morty-theories @canon-poe-dameron @angel not quite twenty lol

[thisisdefinitelyaboutyou-blog]

My beef with ‘To the Bone’

(... and no, it’s not just because its triggering)

When I heard about ‘To the Bone’’s upcoming release, I was moderately excited. As someone who battled eating disorders for almost 20 years and has been in recovery for the last four, I’m always pleased to see the subject being given more prominence, even if it’s the ‘Netflix’ equivalent of a Lifetime Movie.

‘To the Bone’ details the struggles of a 20-year-old, white, middle-class woman struggling with anorexia, while trying to manage some very tense family dynamics. After unsuccessfully seeking treatment in four different live-in facilities, Ellen (Lily Collins) is placed in the inpatient care of Dr Beckham (Keanu Reeves), who is lauded for his ‘radical’ approach to therapy.

While receiving rave ratings on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB, the movie seems to have been critically panned for the larger part. The Guardian called it “uninsightful, insipid and insulting”, while A.V. CLUB called it out on its almost unsettling corniness. The Independent - along with scores of other publications - accused it of missing the point as much as it glamourises eating disorders. 

Eating disorder specialists and charities don’t seem to be on ‘To the Bone’’s side either. Speaking to Teen Vouge,  Dr Dena Cabrera - an eating disorder specialist - criticised the movie for failing to address the realities of what it takes to get better. Eating disorder charity Beat  admitted “disappointment” at certain aspects of the film.

The following unnecessarily long rant is my take on the movie. Just so you know, it’s probably not something you’re going to want to read if ‘To the Bone’ is your new favourite film.

‘To the Bone’ started out on the wrong foot right off the bat, facing extensive backlash for being triggering in its depiction of anorexia. This criticism - as far as I am concerned - is only partly warranted. Representing anorexia on television or in film is never going to be an easy task and I’m not entirely sure that there is a “right” way to do it. A protagonist who's perceived as too thin will be accused of being triggering, but on the other hand a protagonist who isn’t thin enough will prompt neurotypicals everywhere to say shit like “How can she be sick? She looks fine to me! She’s actually, like... fat!” (yes, I am indeed taking a dig at that uncalled-for comment about Emma Stone’s weight).

Even though I have developed a healthy eating pattern and self-image in the recent years, in certain instances I still found myself gazing admiringly at Ellen’s sharp collar bones, deep-set eyes and small wrists, longing they were my own. I also found myself missing the heady rush of a low-blood pressure combined with prolonged ketosis. It goes without saying that people with eating disorders - or in recovery from eating disorders - will find this material triggering. Calories and kilograms are both assigned numerical values, although this happens a lot more fleetingly than the show-casing of Ellen’s body. 

As much as the content is triggering, I support Lily in her decision to lose a drastic amount of weight to play Ellen. If she feels - as a person recovering from an eating disorder - that she has the mental fortitude to pull off a stunt of this sort without relapsing, I applaud her. However I do worry that inadvertently viewers may come to think that this feat is broadly achievable. Generally speaking, losing weight to a very visibly unhealthy degree is not something the average eating disordered person can bounce back from without having the relapse of all relapses somewhere in between. I was also intensely irked by Lily stating that she worked with "a nutritionist to lose weight for the film in a healthy way”. If you’re at what is medically considered a healthy weight or above, you cannot reach a point where you look full-on gaunt “in a healthy way”. These reservations aside, Lily’s performance is strong and convincing and it’s easy to understand why Ellen’s character has already garnered a solid fanbase.

So what’s my fucking problem with ‘To the Bone’? Allow me to elaborate: ‘To the Bone’’s biggest failure is that it follows in the narrative of every other movie about eating disorders: here is another white, middle class, young woman with an unstable family life. To be fair, there was a feeble attempt to dispel the untrue notion that all eating disorder patients are young, white women struggling with anorexia. The treatment centre featured a bulimic, pregnant, 30-something-year-old blonde (Megan) who later suffers a miscarriage, a 20-something-year-old anorexic, male, ballet dancer (Luke) from London and a nameless black, lesbian teenager with binge-eating disorder. Another patient who’s hardly out of her tweens (Tracy) offers tips on why ice-cream is best for purging. A slightly older girl who needs a feeding-tube (Pearl) uses unicorns and ponies to escape the grim reality of her illness. And then there’s the token girl with the barf-bag under the bed (Anna). It’s a pretty diverse bunch until you realise this is all you’re ever going to learn about these characters, with the exception of Luke.

Initially I thought that the film was turning tables on the Manic Pixie Dream Girl concept by writing that done-to-death trope as a man instead of a woman. I learned I was expecting too much when Luke lied about Ellen and him having cancer to buy beer without I.D.. Besides his manipulative streak (which is also exposed when he tries to emotionally blackmail Ellen into staying at the clinic when she decides it’s time to leave), Luke is written in a manner that is almost borderline perverted. Their is nothing ‘flirty’ or ‘romantic’ in asking a woman whether she’s ever been sexually assaulted “because it’s a big rexie thing”. Worse still, he then proceeds to ask a clearly uncomfortable Ellen whether she’s a virgin and if she’s ever had an orgasm before talking about his boner and planting a wet one on her lips. I suppose Luke was intended to bring a romantic angle to the movie, but given the serious subject matter and Luke’s extremely unlikable character, the budding relationship felt forced at best. 

If providing more details about the token patients wasn’t a priority, I feel that some of Dr Beckham’s supposedly ‘radical’ methods should have been explored further. Eating (or not eating) whatever the fuck one likes at dinner in treatment facility sounds like every eating disordered person’s dream, but it isn’t exactly going to help them recover. Neither is a rain room, poetry recitals or throwing patients out the facility if they can’t maintain or gain weight. Dr Beckham tells Ellen that he doesn’t do talk therapy, so what exactly does his treatment involve? Well, there’s morning group sessions and a 15-minute reflection about the day in the evening. In between patients do chores to earn points to get their iPads back or leave the facility for a few hours (unsupervised of course). They also have the added bonus of changing their name to anything they like. Say what you like, but I highly doubt this treatment plan would pan out successfully in real life and giving people considering recovery any illusions that it’s half that much fun is almost cruel. 

Other highlights of Dr Beckham’s treatment included providing patients with gems to the effect of “Tell the anorexic voice in your head to fuck off”. This is about as effective as telling a diabetic person to control their glucose levels by shouting them down into submission. I decided that Dr Beckham should have his medical license permanently revoked when he told Ellen that dealing with mental illness is all about growing a pair. Misogynistic bullshit aside, illness is never a case of mind over matter. ‘To the Bone’ hit its lowest point right here, in its implication that a mentally unwell person who is triggered by a traumatic event is weak. In the movie’s miscarriage scenario, emotional regulation would have proven difficult even for a healthy person, so expecting it from someone whose very illness prohibits them from having appropriate emotional responses is a real punch in the face to the mentally ill community. This is the sort of neurotypical nonsense I didn’t expect from director Marti Noxon who has first-hand experience of an eating disorder. Recovery from any mental illness is an extremely difficult and painful process, usually fraught with a lot emotional fall-out. Thanks to Dr Beckham’s conveniently sugar-coated therapies, ‘To the Bone’ avoided dealing with any of this unpleasant shit.

The movie also made a brave attempt at addressing the subject of pro-anorexia through the storyline with Ellen's tumblr, which she shut down two years prior when one of her followers quoted the blog as a contributing factor to her suicide. Much like the characterisation of the other patients in Dr Beckham’s facility, this incident is brought up, poked at with a splintery barge-pole and dismissed. It would have been far more interesting to watch Ellen’s internal struggle with this tragic event than any of the rain-dancing-in-the-dark drivel.

While striving to point out that both genetic and environmental factors contribute towards the onset of mental illness, the movie then went on to compare Ellen’s illness to an addiction. There is no doubt that disordered eating can lead to compulsive and ritualistic behaviours with food and eating, but there’s a good reason recovering drug addicts don’t share a facility with persons with eating disorders. Lumping these two diseases together as if they were interchangeable detracts from the seriousness of both conditions and certainly doesn’t help in understanding either illness better.

It also pained me that Ellen has no support network (because she has no friends and her entire blended family is composed of complete asshats), which is essential for long-term recovery. Her father is never showed onscreen because he fails to show up at all her appointments. Ellen’s biological mother has bipolar disorder, so helping her daughter is understandably challenging. Both step-mothers seem to think Ellen’s just a spoilt brat who’s acting out. Only her step-sister seems to have her back, but then again she also tests Ellen's ‘calorie Asperger's’ at the beginning of the movie so I’m not sure what to make of that relationship either. It’s the bizarre bonding-ritual between mother and near-death daughter that took the cake though: Ellen is bottle-fed rice milk in her hippie mother’s lap, as they lounge in a posh tent under the moonlight in the middle of the fucking dessert. Read that again and tell me - with a straight face - that it doesn’t verge on the bizarre. 

In the film’s final scenes, Ellen - who has wandered off into the dessert and fallen asleep on a rock - has a dream sequence which draws on Anne Sexton’s poem 'Courage’ and inspires her - as if by magic - to say ‘yes’ to recovery. I understand that if there was ever a time where survival instinct would kick in, it would be when one gets as close to death as Ellen did. I just wish that her will to recover was driven by something more psychologically and emotionally challenging than a dream in which Luke encourages her to swallow coal (in his wink-wink-nudge-nudge tone, of course).

‘To the Bone’ provides a bird’s eye view of eating disorders. Sadly, the bird is directionless. When it comes to discussing - and especially dispelling myths about mental illness - that approach is simply not good enough.

[bubbakanoosh]

rant ramble

I haven’t rambled in a while, mostly because I turned off the “anon” feature on my tumblr.   People don’t want to send me a note and call me an asshole anymore now they can’t hide their identities from the world.  Anywho, I don’t even know where to start with this, I just have so much shit on my mind, I don’t know where to begin.   I have had the shittiest few weeks and I am walking that fine line of losing my shit on someone.   I am stuck on a fucking train once more, and I swear to fuck there is a women clipping her nails on this train.   HER FUCKING NAILS!!  I already told her to stop, because no one else has to balls to do it.   I asked her if she was homeless, because that could be the only possible reason she is clipping her nails on the fucking train.   My stupid rental car wouldn’t start this morning.   Yeah, I am driving a rental….I got rear ended on Easter weekend, so yeah Jesus and I have something in common: our easters kinda sucked.  But yeah, I got rear ended by this Mad Max looking motherfucker truck.   Fun time.   And because it was the holiday, my insurance and the renal car agency had a failure in communication, by that I mean my insurance company never told them I was coming.   So after a few hours of playing it cool I finally got a rental while my car is getting fixed.   A fucking honda civic, like fuck me.  As I told a few others I feel like a white teenage girl driving this piece of shit, I can’t even.  But I am waiting to get my car fixed, and for whatever reason the part is on back order so I am stuck driving this piece of shit for who knows how long.   Civic Nation is a horrible place, and I hate it here and yeah. I am sore.  I am working on my basement, turning it into a finished display of awesomeness and I am doing this all by myself.   I am pretty handy, I like you to know.   I am not just a pretty-ish face, I know what the fuck I am doing.   And between that and the accident, I am sore which makes me, well, more “charming” than usual. Oh, when I say “charming” I mean “smartass”. For the record, little miss nail salon is still clipping her nails.  I swear to god, if she takes off her socks and shoes and starts clipping her toenails I will go ballistic   No question, I will go ballistic on her and possibly beat her with her own shoe..

So, my threshold for stupidity is at an all time low… I can’t really deal with it.  And when I say stupidity i mean people, family, work, drama, people, the fucking works.  Speaking of work, it has been stupidly busy.  Like really really really busy.  I have been dealing with lawyers all week, and you know what? Lawyers are assholes.  Some of you may laugh at the irony of that statement, but seriously they are.   I wonder what those fellows are saying about my chaming self.   Also speaking of work, I had this more fucktarded conversation yesterday.  So we have an in-house courier to take shit around to other offices and whatnot so we don’t have to pay for a service.   I had a cheque that needed delivered and I called the courier guy to my office to pick it up and take it a few blocks away.   I said to the guy “better watch it, it’s pretty torrential out there” and he looks at me with a blank stare then said “what?”.  I replied with “it’s storming out there, we are haveing torrential rain outside”, whch he comes back at me with “Oooh, gotcha… I just never heard torrential used in that way before”.   Its at that point in time I do a double face palm and rub my face letting out a long ass sigh.  Maybe I have lived with my head up my ass for most of my life, but I want to know what other use of “torrential” he has heard.   Torrential level cheese on my nachos, please? Fuck, can you imagine? I could use that right now.

Anyways,  usually I hide it pretty well most days, my prickish nature/anger for stupidity, but as you see I am having a little trouble with it. Or maybe I am not, I dunno.  I have been called sweet, or a sweetie, once or twice in my life… and you know what? I am.  I’m so sweet like a nice bon bon.   But I am also a fucking prick. I am quite the sarcastic bastard.   I guess is its the Hyde to the sweetie Jekyll, maybe it;s a gemini thing… I dunno.  I hide it on here for the most part, I think there are times it slips through.   Do you know how many posts a day I like and write a comment on to reblog but instead of hitting sent I just cancel?  A lot. Why do I delete them? Well, I fear I may get some stupid PM or whatever wishing cancer on me (yeah, that happened).   I think people take this shit way to seriously, and fine do that.   But you need to chill the fuck out at the same time, you know? And while we are on the stuff that annoys me on tumblr, inspirational quotes bug me.   There I said it, and please don’t get offended because I don’t like them..  Don’t get me wrong, there are some I like, they aren’t all fucking poppycock or anything, but yeah… they bug me.   Maybe it’s because I think people post them to get likes rather than actually believe what the quote is saying. We all post shit for the likes, so don’t tell me you don’t It’s like on facebook, someone makes a post bout thee most lovingest spouse and how they are lucky they are to have him or her.   You know they are just typing that shit either a) convince others they are the happinest couple in the world or b) convince themself they are that happy.   When I was with my ex, back when we actually spoke hahah fuck, anyways, back when we actually spoke I asked her if we are weird because we say Happy BDay and Valentines to each other face to face and not facebook to facebook.   I honestly started to think maybe I am the odd one, then I deleted facebook and all was right in the world once more.   Those posts on facebook, I dunno, they didn’t feel genuine.   And that’s the vibe I get from some of the shit people post,  It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I am like ugh.   And then I write comment or something and stare at it and then cancel.   Maybe there are posts out there that I just don’t cancel? Maybe there are posts out there where I really am an asshole and the anons were right? I think some of you take your blog way too seriously, and yeah.  I dunno, maybe I am the weird one, maybe I don’t take my blog seriously enough? Maybe my “How I Tumblr” jokes are spot on? As in, I have no clue what i’m doing. Things that make you go hmmmm.  Oh, while we are talking about the inspirational stuff, if you see one that is a quote from “anonymous” well, that’s me.   I said all of those.   I am not one to seek fame and glory, because I don’t need it, but I need to bring it up.  Why? Well, some of you are throwing around my wisdom all willy nilly and shit.   

So the other day someone was ranting to me about tumblr and I was like YES!! Okay, that is a lie, there were two separate people ranting to me about tumblr and I was like YES!! EXACTLY!!  And I brought up my scenario about something and what pissed me off.   Then I explain what pissed me off more, and that was the fact I noticed the thing that pissed me off in the first place..   I hated myself for noticing this little, I dunno what to call it, quirk? This little quirk that I see.  Noticing the quirk pissed me off more than the quirk itself.   In fact, the fact I was pissed off at the quirk pisses me off now.  It’s stupid and I hate myself for hating it so much..   I am not going to get into what the quirk is but I noticed the same thing on twitter when I was on there and it just got stupid and I quit that.   By the way, everything that happens here with cliques and crushes and Doms and subs, that’s all on twitter.  I think cliques and shit like that is worse over there.   They have theme days over on twitter, where someone will come up with a start of a joke like, I dunno let;s just use “yo momma”.  So one person will send a message, or a group of people will send a message and say at 7pm EST you will start using the “yo mama” joke format and tweet shit.   Me being me I was like “yeah no” and shit just went down hill from there.   I got blackballed for not being a fucking lemming.  My twitter was HungoverLawyer.  Oh, you may have seen me reblogging a tumblr called HungoverLawyer, that’s me in case you haven’t figured it out.   Follow it, you can be one of the 10 who are, it’s an elite club.   I actually have another blog I created but I never ever used yet called Bubba-Answers-Stuff.   Basically that blog I answer others peoples questions they get asked them.   One day I was browsing my feed and I saw someone answer an anon and, well, I personally felt I could answer it better.   That answer was mediocre at best, imo.   But, it was around the time I got the cancer remarks in my inbox so I just put it on the backburner.  Maybe I will start it up, why not right? Anyways, I quit twitter over the stupidity that was over there.   The stupidity outweighed the fun.  Tumblr is pretty fucking dumb, but not nearly as dumb as twitter was. I am not going to quit tumblr, not that any of you are worried or anything, if you are well… that is pretty sweet actually.  If you are not worried, well, that’s okay… I will just cross you off my Christmas card list, so fuck you.  I kid, I kid.  You are still on the list, fuck.   I am an asshole with a heart of gold.  Did I mention I am really sweet? So, yeah, I ain’t leaving tumblr.   You’re kinda stuck with me, at least for the time being. I just dislike when a distraction is no longer a fun distraction. I don’t know why shit bugs me but it does. Maybe it is me taking this way too seriously. Maybe I’m the fucking problem? Holy shit. I just had a fucking ephiphany, wow.  I am not bitching about you, I am bitching about myself? whoa, fuck.  Nah, am fine.  You are all good.  Cept the fucktard who used to send me rude anons, you can choke on a bag of dicks.    Maybe I just need a stiff drink.   I have pizza waiting for me when I get home, and a couch.   Seriously, I am going to get undressed and eat pizza on my couch in my underwear.    Soak that in, ladies.   I know, my nipples are hard at the thought also. Anywho, I am at my station.