#losing a life long friendship

[butchviking]

actually 2 b honest most of my Emotional Issues rn just boil down 2 im lonely. im literally just lonely.

[weezeryuri]

thank you gay people in my phone for making shit not feel entirely hopeless. irl shit still sucks but people have been so niceys to me and it makes me very happy. whether we’re friends or mutuals or acquaintances or strangers platonic romantic whatever the fuuuck i do truly appreciate it. sniffles pathetically and falls asleep in your lap like an old dog

[nick-close]

starts one of those ‘i’ll send u a letter from ur comfort character’ etsys for dndads because some of yall goin through it /j

[teardropsonsmyguitar]

.

[wolfisland]

dont get me wrong. i am absolutely a problem, often. im very cutting and blunt a lot of the time. people tend to find it funny til they realise i am deadly fucking serious. i definitely have anger issues. im a "i forgive you but i wont forget this" type. but i dont think im unkind, genuinely. i think it was just jarring for a lot of shitty people in my life when i stopped letting them treat me like shit. which makes sense, i just disrupted the fuckhead routine of like 6 white autistics. woe are they. but really honest god gun to my head i cant bring myself to feel bad about it. half of those friendships made me feel like shit about myself anyways.

[heyitslapis]

Ok

[hella1975]

Hi hella! I love love your writing and have done so for years and liked your posts but above all else I am a social media lurker at heart. But I wanted to tell you that following you for so long I’ve seen you go off to college and strike out on your own. Your self reflection and how you move through your life is so inspiring. I feel like your proud distant auntie sometimes cheering you on from afar. Growing up and going through school and into your adulthood is so confusing and frustrating and depressing sometimes but I’m a bit on the other side now and can tell you you’re doing so well. Absolutely killing it and it’s a privilege to read about. Your openness often has me reflect on my own life! I appreciate you bestie 🫶

reading this was genuinely so emotional BESTIE WHAT THE HELL

[caruliaa]

i hate tht so much of my life has been me begging others to care about me the way theyre supposed to . i hate that instead of wishing i didnt have to i wish that for once theyd say yes

[magpiesbones]

There really ought to be a word that means for friendship what ‘romantic’ means for dating because otherwise there’s literally No Word I can have to describe this without getting circuitous and poetic and like. I AM having this feeling. And now I need a word for it that isn’t stupid and trite. And I don’t HAVE one.

[mariemariemaria]

im feeling so hurt rn...my friend made a post that was like ‘i only have two real friends. i like other people but wouldnt care if i never saw them again’ and i know im in the second group :( she doesnt know ive seen the post but i just messaged her and from the vibe shes giving...yeah she wouldnt care if she never saw me again lol

[aflores98]

I believe there's something inherently tragic about seeing half a duo, after one is lost, whether it may be because of life o death.

It's like the space next to them is forever inhabited by a loss as big as the presence it once occupied it.

It's oh so easy to see there's someone that should be there but it's not, and people walk around and learn to live like that and I just...

I think it's so very agonizing.

Imagine finding someone who just fits perfectly by your side after feeling bereft for so long only for them to disappear one day.

Awaiting, longing, grieving.

The way the tones and brightness of the scenes gets duller as the movie gets sadder…

[twopercentboy]

,,,,

[lovingaeth]

miss my bestie so bad

[grimmthorne]

I hope I'm able to let things go that have no purpose in sticking around but I hope that i don't forget what they taught me

[supercityboys]

I recently tried to read Booster’s New52 Origins but stopped bc I remembered how much I hated other characters New52 Origins, so I went back and tried to make sense of KooeyKooeyKooey. Which is hard bc JLI/JLE’s tone is a light, humorous one, and (to me) it is harder to extrapolate genuine emotion/character motivations than it is with a down tone or a neutral one.

KoKoKooey kind of threw me for a little loop bc despite how “money hungry” Michael is, he does have common sense and basic morale. He initially opposes the island, questions the project multiple times, and jumps automatically into hero mode when the island awakens, as he normally does in his own book. But a quick glance at any of Michael’s battles will show you him telling off Dirk for prioritizing money (including the huge climax where he literally fires Dirk for being money hungry). So it really baffles me that he’d let Ted go through with the casino.

My reasoning based off of Michael’s books:

My strongest guess is that in the lieu of his own group “failing” on top of losing his family, when Michael decides to join the League full time, he assumes the subordinate role in just about every capacity because he no longer believes himself capable of leading.

In his family, the family dynamics are reversed yet while maintaining a nuclear family dynamic where Michael and Michelle both assume parental roles and the mother is the child. By the third retelling of his backstory— which is told by Michael to Ted— he admits that his mom pressures him by telling him not to be like his father (whom he’s never met). And so, he carries that residual guilt with him constantly. His football career doesn’t feel like it’s so much about the sport as it is a sure fire way out of poverty.

Though by the time being a full Leaguer rolls around he’s completely at the whims of others stationed above him, it does not escape my notice that at first opportunity Michael places himself as the object that needs direction. He needs Skeets and he needs Dirk. And when the occasion arises he works in tandem with Skeets, with Rip, with Jack, but completely deserts Dirk as he is not a true partner.

I think in attendance with liking Ted, Michael also tends to bet on losing dogs. He feels like a loser, he identifies with other losers, makes bed with them, and when it falls apart he also falls apart because it conflicts with the façade that is egoism. Michael projects his egotistical persona and subconsciously tucks away his loserism. By the time KoKoKooey comes around he’s already outed as the loser, and losers need a leader. For work, Booster’s already got Jon and Batman. But for matters of the heart? Security? Who does Michael have? He has Ted. He puts his all into Ted bc Ted has everything he found in Skeets, in Trixie, in Dirk, in Rip, in Jack. He doesn’t have to play patriarch to Ted or leader. And really it boils down to Michael looking for himself in other people rather than inward (again).

[dragonfyre-creations]

I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)

(long dump in the tags and under the cut)

The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.

Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.

Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.

She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.

She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona