Too Little
Part three of Jamil (not) dealing with feels here we go.
Jamil x reader, Jamil’s pov
Previous parts: part one, part two
This was stupid.
Here he was, rolling around in bed, unable to sleep because thoughts of you filled his mind.
It had been futile of Jamil to think that he could simply brush your presence aside, that he could treat you like just another schoolmate and not let you consume his mind.
Not when every quiet moment had him reach for his phone in hopes of a new message from you.
Not when you kept on finding new ways to make his heart skip a beat every time he saw you.
Not when he missed you more acutely every time you weren’t there.
So, despite his best efforts, his mind treaded those same paths, time and again, occupied by all the parts of you. Your expressions, your mannerisms, your words, every single detail committed to his memory and played over and over.
He suspected that at this point he’d be able to recreate most of your expressions just from memory. Your voice, too, playing so clearly in his mind.
Not to even mention those oh so tantalizing what ifs, supplying him with even sweeter temptations than the confines of reality and memory could provide.
What it would feel like to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you, to-
No. No no no. He would not go there.
Jamil could feel the heat burning in his cheeks and he rolled over, groaning into his pillow.
This was ridiculous. Absolutely preposterous.
Yet, there was no getting out of it.
He wanted you.
He wanted more of you, so much more than what he had.
Because each taste of you left him craving more, each glimpse made him want to uncover everything there was to you.
Even the parts you might consider ugly, as sappy as that was.
What kind of people did you like, anyway?
Charming? Intelligent? Funny?
Rich and influential?
Did you even like guys? Or relationships in general?
Just the thought - relationship - made Jamil's cheeks burn even brighter, made his legs twitch under the covers.
Yet, somehow, it did not sound so bad.
To have you.
To be yours.
To know and be known.
He huffed and turned over onto his back.
As if his duties left room for something for himself, left enough of him to share with someone like that.
And would you like what you saw in him, anyway?
Yet, his excuses were beginning to sound more and more hollow.
After all, he was nothing if not resourceful, and so far you’d shown no signs of shying away, even as you dug your way deeper.
Jamil stared at the canopy over his bed with unseeing eyes.
He’d have to do something about this.
Because if he didn’t, he might just lose his mind.
But was the alternative any better? Could he even handle it? The full force of you, if - and it was a big if - you were to accept him.
Even now, when you looked at him in that particular way of yours… He never could hold your eyes for long when that happened. The softness and the warmth he saw were far too overwhelming, always forcing him to turn away lest he made a complete fool of himself.
If he were to have that, with the full force of affection intention behind it… How could he even bear it?
Like the other day… You’d found Jamil in the middle of his chores and dragged him away, his to-do list crumbling when you grabbed his hand and led him outside.
He was all too aware of how his protests had been half-hearted at best. How your sudden appearance, your touch had shut down every sensible part of him, leaving him unpleasantly raw.
And by the time he’d gathered himself, nearly convinced himself he had other things he should be doing instead, you were sharing ice creams outside Sam’s, to celebrate the first warm day of the year.
As if it wasn’t warm in Scarabia year round.
As if he hadn’t been too preoccupied by your happiness and enthusiasm to bring himself to heel.
Sometimes, it was all he could do not to be swept away by you, barely keeping his head above the surface.
So, what choice did he have but to act?
You’d made a home in his heart already, whether he asked for it or not.
All he could do was take control of what he could.
Eta: you can find part 4 here and part 5 / the final part here.
Oh dear I'm starting to get tempted to write this from the reader's pov as well.
Or maybe I'll just have to ramble about the thought process behind this at some point to get that out of my system.
I also considered going to a more horny direction with this but decided to go with this kind of yearning in the end. But, if the horny version is of interest for y'all, maybe I can do that as an alternative / supplementary thing to this series, or some sort of a standalone at some point.
Hope y'all enjoyed! One or two more parts are still to come.
Tag list: @colliope @crystallizsch @diodellet @jamilsimpno69 @jamilvapologist
@mazapanmiau @perilous-pasta @twstgo
If you'd like to be tagged for any future works, do let me know! Also feel free to specify if you only want tags for particular kinds of works (like sfw/nsfw for example).
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teru & socialization
i've posted about this before but something ive been thinking about a LOT is mp100's themes of loneliness (and eventual connections). i think this is an aspect of teru's character (in particular) that gets left out because it's not as explicit but i've been wanting to do a deep dive on it for a while and i finally sat down to do it. just a warning, this post is gonna be LONG.
these two panels are from chapter 16 of the manga (which i'm using for my evidence because i. dont want to scrub through the anime LOL). initial sentiment: teru uses his powers to cheat having friends/a good social life and wouldn't have that if he tried earnestly. this is a fair interpretation of the scene. with what we know, at this point of time (as in within the teru-mob fight) teru would not be able to connect with other people earnestly, due to his mindset. which i think is a fair interpretation, HOWEVER:
(from chapter 17 ^^) the first panel shows teru's expression to be strained and the second is visibly unhappy. this puts the first set of panels into a different context, that maybe underneath all of this, teru doesn't WANT any of this life that he's built. keep in mind that i'm analyzing this with teru's possible autistic tendencies in mind & you dont have to believe he's autistic, im not your dad, but i do find this a pretty meaningful indication of masking if he were
(note: yes, the strain can definitely be read as comp-het, and i would agree but that's not relevant so go read this post on that instead)
even if the rest of these panels show teru content with his life, i think these expressions are pretty vital to how we read his life especially because we know so little of it. think about it, if you were a kid desperate for affection because you couldn't get it anywhere else, especially not in a way that would come off as "mature" or "unaffected", wouldn't you also look for validation in your popularity? even if it aligned you with people who you consider fundamentally different to you? my point here is that teru can't not stand out-- it's in his nature-- and we are shown how he tries to blend in & receive attention in the only way possible to him; which is to say that he molds himself into something that is palatable, likeable, and superior to other people. if he's nothing, like mob, he has spent his entire life covering up for it. if he fails socially, like mob, he has to be good at everything (even if he cheats to do so) so that everyone else can look past it.
(side note for my teru angst enjoyers: this is a panel of his mom. the mom who he hasn't seen in years. doesn't it make sense that, if he hasn't heard his mom say he's proud of him for literal years, that he would overachieve in response? not related to the autism thing i just have the teru bug. also don't be misogynistic in my notes both his parents suck we just get a singular mention of his mom)
so if teru couldn't meaningfully have friends before mob, that could very easily be because of his past mindset, right?
...except, we don't.. really... see him make other friends afterwards.
but, the awakening lab, right?
(ok i lied to you sorry there is one anime screenshot and thats because it stood out to me while i rewatched it earlier this month. sorry.) id like to bring attention to this screenshot during the cultural festival because the awakening lab can definitely be seen as a direct contradiction of this and i'd like to point out a couple things:
1) in this scene the shiratori brothers are in another room
2) them and the other three are friends with ritsu (or at least close enough acquaintances to want to see him).
considering this is one of the only times they appear together for Fun i am more inclined to believe this is an encounter where they went together because they all would've gone separately anyway. this isn't to discount the possible bond that these characters might have, but thats the thing. we... aren't really shown that they're friends and enjoy spending time together outside of this screenshot, where two out of six of the members are not even present. not to mention that teru is still placing himself in a role separate from his peers. despite stripping the superiority away, teru is still the awakening lab's mentor, not friend. teru still views himself as fundamentally different in a context where his psychic powers don't make him that way.
...except with mob. i bring this placement of power up because where he is the awakening lab's mentor, teru declares mob to be his rival, or, in other words, teru is just like him. he is accepting that mob and him are the same. (and if we view mob from an autistic lens... so on and so forth)
as if to hammer in that point even further-- in the summer vacation omake, teru explicitly states that "summer break is just a super long, super boring stretch of alone time." i'm not sure of the timeline here, but guessing from the hair, we're at least post season 1. which gives us explicit confirmation here that teru is spending the break alone despite his relationship to the awakening lab. his connection to mob is a lifeline here because mob is one of the only people who can intuitively understand teru's isolation without judgment
(also, on that point of teru's autistic tendencies: teru does and says a LOT of things that would raise other peoples eyebrows and doesn't seem to notice.
here we get teru actively admitting to his home life, right in front of reigen, WHO COULD CALL CHILD SERVICES ON HIM? this genuinely made me rethink this character entirely. teru's filter is... minimal. he isn't constantly volunteering information and generally minds his own business, but if you ask? Well.
teru is a social person, but to say he is proficient in understanding social situations seems... wrong. teru views his loneliness as boring because, despite being fairly open, does not actually allow himself to think about his own feelings and how they affect him. this loneliness is boring because he doesn't have enough of a reference to realize its not
if we are taking pre-mob teru to be a version of himself who is masking, or at the very least someone who is faking a lot of stuff in a less autistic sense, the fight with mob changes teru to the point where he no longer hides himself. in the same way that mob was able to shake teru's fragile superiority complex i think the change in appearance marks the end of the self teru had built up. from this point on we see him become a lot more... Him. his appearance and his fashion choices are, presumably, completely normal to him and we get no indication that he believes otherwise despite the reactions it gets-- which is... well, i wouldn't be writing this post if i thought it was one of his most neurotypical traits.
in fact, he seems... pretty oblivious to what other people think of him. which is an interesting distinction to make considering the intelligence we Know he possesses (which is not to say that you are unintelligent if you don't pick up on social cues, just that its common for media to depict it that way.) these traits are made pointedly, even if unintentionally, separate, ESPECIALLY when you note the amount of characters who Do ruminate on or stare at teru's appearance.
some examples. i don't even think this is all of it-- case in point.)
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oc time again! + her town & culture (heavily inspired by pre-roman italic populations)
she is suri sauthon (later suri laran, after her marriage). her story is linked to my swtor imperial agent, but most of her life for like. the one year away where she meets him, is spent in a town in the mountains of mirial.
despite mirial being cold and desert, and many cities developing underground, her town flourishes thanks to a force nexus, venerated in the form of an ancient, sacred, alive crystal. the ecosystem of that mountain depended on what "the horned crystal" was capable of giving them, but mirialans couldn't live off of that alone, so they developed trade and some rudimental technology, even if oftentimes it was bought thanks to the highly profitable trade of a plant used to make medicines that slowed down aging and had overall healing properties.
note: everything that's generated by this nexus has these healing properties BUT they have to be processed, except for those who bathed in the waters of the cavity under the crystal - the "real" nexus, but not the worshipped one. the waters were sacred but they were not thought to be miraculous, unlike the crystal, who instead was thought of as the keystone of the ecosystem: without it, everything would fall apart (and that is partially true: the cavity was the "real" nexus but thanks to the crystal, also strong in the force, the properties were spread all over the mountains). those who bathed in the cavity's waters - so, all of the town, who had a sort of baptism there - could eat the plant, make whatever food with it, and not only that plant, but everything generated by the nexus, that, again, had similar properties. this allowed people to live up to normal life-spans without advanced medicines or, much, really. to those who didn't live there, though, after the processing, had incredible effects, slowing down aging - for those who took it regularly - and making people able to live up to half a century more than the average]
originally, there were four tribes of nomads that lived thanks to horned farm animals that decided to settle down into one bigger town and other smaller settlements, to live off of transhumance. this division of the tribes stayed into the political and social organization: every person belonged to one tribe specifically, and had slightly different rituals and culture. for examples, each tribe had their own priests and healers, with different techniques and traditions. the town, tho, was guided by a group of people in the high priesthood, a position you could reach only by having earned the trust of all tribes. those high priests had many roles: they guided the people into sacred processions common to all the tribes, they managed the trading with outsiders, they did the maintenance of the temple of the summit (the one that functioned as casket to the crystal) and created a special liquid to offer the crystal that helps it grow.
this particular temple was important because 1. it was very visible, from every angle of the town, and it became an important identity symbol; 2. it stored the venerated horned crystal; 3. it had the altar where sacrifices were made for the crystals. that altar had a hole connected to the cavity, that allowed the liquids to reach the underground; 4. it had various symbols: statues representing each tribe + the high priesthood, and typical mirialan tattoos carved into the wood of the trees that served as columns for the temple, symbolizing 8 values that who dared to enter HAD to have; 5. it was on the way to an important lake (called "mother lake" because the lake the town was built around to depended on the waters of that other lake) where they traveled to in important processions; 6. it was said that a the wizard who unified the tribes made it with its magic, making the plant grow to hold the temple's roof. this wizard was, actually, a force user, obv.
BACK TO HER THOUGH: she's daughter of one of the high priests, who was in charge of managing the trades with outsiders, and lives in a house on the mountains with her mother and him. her parents are from different tribes (that's one of the things that earned him trust from the 4 tribes): when a child is born from two different tribes, they don't pick one to allign to, but they're usually linked automatically to the one with more relatives in it (in her case, the father's tribe: she had many uncles and aunts on his side while her mom only had one sister).
later, though, she got quite tied to her mother's tribe due to a mysterious illness that only her mother's tribe healer was able to cure. she spent 4 years (from 10 to 14 years old) living with the healer and learned her secrets. to better study, she wrote them down. when she returned home, she studied to become a priestess with her father. at 22 (the average age: you can't become priest before your 20s), she was supposed to take a test and become a priestess, but the healer of her mother's tribe died and the tribe asked her to take her place. she couldn't technically do that, but both tribes estimated both her and her parents and she was allowed to become both. she then decided to try to become a high priestess, and became one at 25 (a quite young age). being part of the council, she tried to convince the various tribe healers to unite their knowledges and write them down, and eventually made it. healers still remained tribe based but they now had an "upper, inter-tribe level" similar to high priesthood.
years later, the sacred horned crystal is stolen from the temple by some Hutt mercenaries looking for a profit. given the trust she has earned from all the tribes and the fact that her father is the high priest that deals with outsiders (and she's been hearing stories and advice about it since she was little), she is the one tasked with getting it back. without the growing crystal, the keystone to their ecosystem, the village would have lasted only a few years. in hrr quest, she meets imperial intelligence agent tar'x laran and, as they "solve the mystery" and fight to have it back, they get closer. they'll get married and have a daughter, Vegoia (who's the only one who actually will get to the plot of my story. this was all background)
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more team up tickles for shadow company and kortac but it’s just Reader getting attacked?
I wrote a Shadow Company fic on accident. Sorry. I'll post something for KorTac tomorrow, if I remember to do it. But even then, it'll only be Horangi and König. König because I love him, and Horangi because I've written team up tickles with him and König before.
Shadow Company Team Up Tickles
It’s not that unlikely that some of them would take a little bit after Graves. Some of them would be confident and cocky. Some of them would become rather touchy. Some of them would become playful. It’s not that uncommon for the Shadows to goof around a little bit. They’ll playfight plenty, and tickle fights are not unheard of either. Sometimes the Shadows make plans regarding who’s going to be their next victim. Usually it’s Graves, but sometimes their goofy boss joins in on the fun. However, today you seemed a little more on edge than usual. Although nothing in particular may have happened, you were still a little pissy. A few Shadows have approached you already, trying to soothe your anger with hugs, cuddles and kisses. Angry as you were, you turned them down. So naturally, more drastic measures needed to be used against you.
You were in the training room, silently seething as you stared at the punching bag. Could you really let out your anger like that? Or would it only be a gateway into something worse? You weren’t sure. With earphones in your ears, you opted for finding the right song instead. Something aggressive. Some form of death metal would do. Distracted by the device in your hand, you ignored the majority of the world, as you had been all day now. With a sigh, you could feel the anger rising yet again as you were unable to find the correct song to set the ideal mood. Had it been up to you, you would have thrown your phone on the floor and smashed it into a thousand bits and pieces. The music you were currently listening to wasn’t nearly aggressive enough. You needed something to rip heads off to.
A tap on your shoulder and you turned around. Met with a cocky smile, you were not quite in the mood to return it, you found yourself face to face with Phil, a few Shadows entering the training room behind him. Although you would have loved nothing more than to ignore him, you took out your earbuds.
“Looking a bit stressed there, sugar.”
“Phil, I am this close to killing someone. What is it?” Holding back a sigh, you counted the Shadows behind him. There were three. 8-4, 7-2 and 2-3. The three that tried to cheer you up today. You were fairly certain they were up to no good, even if you weren’t quite sure what they were going to do. Regardless, you wanted nothing to do with it.
Phillip slung an arm around you, pulling you closer to him. “Just needed to cheer you up a little. Can’t have you sulking around all day, after all. Give us a smile and we’ll leave you alone.” There was quite a bit of strength to him, you likely couldn’t pull away from him if you tried.
“Nothing to smile about in my life. I’ll be fine, just leave me alone. I’m just gonna blow off some steam tonight and by tomorrow I’ll be back to my usual self, I’m sure of it.” On the one hand, you wanted to lean into him. On the other hand, you wished you could have just weaseled your way out of his grasp. In the end, you opted for staying completely still, letting Phil do as he pleased.
8-4 walked up to you, gently taking your hand in theirs and placing a kiss on top of it. “We’re gonna leave you alone once we’re certain you’re not gonna blow the place to smithereens. For now, just relax, we’ll take care of everything.”
7-2 was wearing her usual, cocky grin. Oh, she thought she was so much better than you. She had something planned. They all did. If you spent any more time with them, that’s when you were going to blow up the company and everyone in it. 2-3 seemed shy, as per usual. Had you not been so angry at nothing, you would have assured him that everything was going to be alright. Not that you understood how someone as anxious as him was such a capable soldier anyway. Sweet as he was, you couldn’t believe he was such a good leader.
Now it was 7-2’s turn to speak up as she made her way towards you. Standing still right in front of you, she put her hands on your hips. “Sweetie, you’ll be leaving this room with a big smile on your face, I’ll personally make sure of it.”
“And how are you going to do that, bastard? I woke up ready to murder someone.”
Slowly, she ran her fingers up your sides, tenderly holding onto your ribs. “I have my ways.” That twinkle of mischief in her eyes did not go unnoticed by you. And all of a sudden, it hit you.
“Don’t you fucking dare, asshole,” you snarled, baring your teeth. As much as you loved her, as much as you loved all of them, you couldn’t believe just how stupid all of them were.
“Oh, I think I will.” Her eyes showed nothing short of madness as she held onto your wrist. She was considerably taller than you, considerably stronger as well as a result. No matter how much you fought, no matter how much you struggled to break free, she slowly brought your arms above your head. “You’ve insulted me for the last time today. You’re gonna apologize to us all, won’t you?” Even as you tried to kick her, she did not budge.
Phil released you. “2-3, your turn. You’ll be starting off nice and slow. Maybe you can get our beloved little Shadow down onto the ground. You have two minutes. Make them count, soldier.”
“Fuck you! All four of you! I’m going to get my revenge on all of you once I get out of her fucking grasp. You dumb brute, I’m going to make sure to give you nightmares!”
You could merely watch as 2-3 placed himself behind you. He put his hands under your shirt, waiting another few seconds. “I’m sorry, but you kind of deserve this today.” And with that, he skittered his fingers over your sides. You jerked away from his touch, closer to 7-2. 2-3 was gentle, you wanted to punch him for it. Although you squeezed your eyes shut, you did not giggle. No, you were much stronger than that. What kind of soldier would break after the first few gentle touches? As he drew circles on your tummy, it quivered a little bit. No matter how close you pressed yourself to 7-2, he always found a way to get you there. When he ran his fingers across your back, you hid your face in 7-2’s shoulder.
“Damn, if you wanted a hug so bad, you could have just said so.”
“Shut- Shut up! I’m concentrating here!” That cunt honestly had the gall to hold both of your wrists in one hand, snaking her arm around your waist and squeezing your side rapidly. Unfortunately, that was enough for you to push her away, falling right into 2-3’s arms. As you stepped back, he placed a leg behind yours, making you trip. Although he may have caught you, he still lowered you onto the ground, making you even more vulnerable. Naturally, 7-2 took this as an invitation to straddle you. However, other than that, she did nothing. None of them did.
“Good job. 8-4, would you like to have a go solo? We’re all going to to wreck our little grump together afterwards.”
“Don’t you fucking dare humiliate me like that,” you growled, spewing poison at those snakes. They had the antidote to it, however, as they didn’t even flinch.”
“I’m gonna hold our little sugar cookie down, you do as you please, alright?” No matter how much you thrashed, no matter how much you tried to buck her off, 7-2 stayed right on top of you.
8-4, that bitch damned to an eternity in hell, kneeled down next to your feet, taking off your shoes. “You know, all of that could have been prevented easily. Just be nicer towards us next time and we’re gonna be nice to you too! Even though I think we’re being merciful towards you right now, we’re just making you smile, love!” And with that, they started scribbling away at full speed, never even once considering your feelings.
You tried to kick, you tried to thrash, but it was no use. Biting your lip so hard, you drew blood, you started to smile.
“Aw, darl, you’re looking mighty adorable with a smile on your face. It suits you!” You didn’t even notice as Phil knelt down beside you. “Just let the damn break, we’’ll all be happier if you do.” And with that, he dug his fingers into your armpits. You almost screamed when he did that. Clamping down your arms, curling your toes, it was soon too much for you and you actually started laughing. Grabbing Phil’s hands, you almost always missed. And when you did grab one? Bastard held your hand for a few seconds, giving it a few reassuring squeezes before going back to tickling you. “Look at you, you’re so cute. We should get you good like this more often.” He cooed. As much as you despised that fact, he sounded as though he was being honest. But then again, he wouldn’t be torturing you like this if he didn’t enjoy it.
Another two pairs of hands joined in, one tickling your ribs and your stomach, alternating between those two spots, and the other going for your other foot. One pair of hands was gentle, drawing small circles on your soles, gently caressing it, the other pair was rough, drilling into your ribs, vibrating there and being rather unrelenting.
“Will you apologize now?”
“You should laugh more often. We should do this more often!”
“I’m not being too rough here, am I?”
“No, if anything, you should be rougher. Hold the toes back like this and scratch like that.”
You screeched, tears welling up in your eyes. The sensation was overwhelming.
“PLEASE STOP!! I’M SORRY!! IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN!!”
And with that, all eight hands ceased their onslaught at once. Panting, you just lied there, eyes closed.
“You better not have pissed yourself.”
As much as you would have loved to retort with a “shut up”, you stayed quiet. If you had been rude, you might have had to go through this again.
“You cheered up now?”
“Yes, I’m… I’m sorry.”
You were being sat up and held against someone’s chest. Judging by their scent, it was likely Phil. Wrapping your arms around him, you hid your face in his shoulder. Although he may have been an idiot at times, your commander still stood for safety. He could always make the others go away, should he feel more merciful now. Another hand rubbed your back.
“We didn’t go overboard, did we?” You didn’t respond.
“Oi, fuckface, you do realize that just about the entire base would help you get back at us, right? You better keep that revenge close to your heart, I wanna get a good fight out of you next time.” Cunt. And yet you loved her for being so stupid. And yet you loved all of them, despite being the greatest morons on the planet. They were your morons, and you were theirs.
“Do you want me to bring you a snack? Maybe some water? Wouldn’t want you to be too exhausted, after all.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m fine. But thank you.” Snuggling more closely into Phil, you slowly calmed down.
“Let’s get you to bed, shall we? Do you want me to carry you?” His voice was teasing, but you knew Phil would have carried you to bed if you said yes. It was tempting. Being in the arms of your strong commander sounded nice. But then again, a small snuggle pile with all four of them sounded ideal right about now as well.
You ended up heading to bed either way, surrounded by all four of them. Although they may not have joined you with sleeping immediately, making sure you were alright for the majority of the evening, they did eventually. You loved your boyfriends, your girlfriends and your partners. Although they were bastards, each and every single one of them, you could always count on them. On the battlefield as well as on base.
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