#look I know that based on this alone we would not be compatible as friends but like....fuck

[felixvanhuss]

If I could stop fucking up social interactions and make some friends that would be great, actually

[lexithwrites]

—I don't want to hold you back from where you might belong. (jegulus)

based on my post about james going to Sirius’ flat after a breakup and waking up regulus

“I’m sorry, James. I just…this isn’t going to work. I think we both thought it would if we tried and made sacrifices and we did but…I can’t do it anymore. It’s not…it’s not worth it. I’m sorry.”

The bus was practically empty at this time of night. Other than himself, there was a younger woman who clearly just finished a long shift at work, an elderly gentleman at the back who had fallen asleep twice, and a couple in the corner whispering and giggling at everything the other said. James was at the front, his temple pressed against the cold, frosted up glass. It seemed to make his headache go away, but his chest was still in pain. That probably wasn’t going away for a while.

Rachel was gone. Just like that. She told him to leave so she could figure out her next move, and so he left. He packed a bag and walked out in silence as she cried, and got on the first bus that he could. He hadn’t even put up that much of a fight when she broke up with him because he had seen it coming, felt it coming, but couldn’t bring himself to consider that she’d actually go through with it. That she’d dump him because they weren’t compatible, not anymore.

James was spontaneous. He loved adventure and jokes and trying new food and visiting new places with his friends, he was a social butterfly that needed love from everyone around him, not just one person. Rachel was the opposite. She wanted to stay at home, settle down now, start trying for kids whether they were married or not. And he loved her. He loved that life just…not yet. He was only 26 for god sake, he had one pregnancy scare with Lily and that was enough. They’d laughed about it when the test came back negative; laughed because they couldn’t be parents at 20. They just couldn’t. He still didn’t want to be one at 26, and Rachel didn’t understand why. She was a few years older than him, sure, but they had talked about their future early. She said she’d wait for him, that she understood the pressure.

And then…then she stopped waiting.

James wasn’t mad at her, really. She wanted that life and he was technically holding her back from it. Even with the ache in his heart and the pit in his stomach he knew this was right. That staying together would mean more fights about not being engaged when ‘all of her friends are married already’, and James begging her to hang out with his friends for once. Rachel wasn’t a fan of their pub night outs and band gigs, it was all too loud and boisterous.

God, James thought as the bus turned a corner and his head thumped against the glass, we really weren’t going to work.

He looked out at the road they were on and leaned forward, thump pressing into the red button on the pole for the bus to stop. The bus turned another corner before stopping at the familiar road and James stood up. He pulled up his hood to hide his face from the rain and quietly thanked the driver as he got off, stepping out into the late October weather and grimacing. He missed summer. He missed swimming in the ocean and kicking sand up as he ran down the beach with Ra—

His hand clenched around the strap of his bag and he walked towards the house, knowing it just by how many steps it took to get there. He felt heavy as he walked, converse splashing water over the pavement and shouldering the bag so it didn’t slip. The familiar black door came into view and he glanced up when he noticed a blue glow from one of the bedrooms. Regulus. If he was home then Sirius probably was, which was a good sign.

James pressed the doorbell and stepped back, hunching his shoulders as the wind began to pick up again. He shivered just thinking about what Rachel was doing right now, in the flat all alone. Was she crying? Was she exhausted? Was she relieved? Maybe she had already told all her friends and they’d come over to comfort her? Or celebrate. They hadn’t liked James all that much anyway. He blinked back tears—or was it rain—and just pressed the doorbell again; twice in quick succession.

Hurry up, Sirius.

He was about to press it again when he heard the latch, and he exhaled as the door opened, a figure standing there.

“Hey, I know it’s late, I just—“ James looked up and blinked. “Reg?”

“It’s almost one in the morning, James.” He grumbled, rubbing his face tiredly. James blinked again. He was stood in an oversized jumper and some boxers, feet in fluffy socks to keep the heat in.

“Is your brother here?”

“What? No, date night.” Regulus yawned and James mentally kicked himself for being stupid enough to forget that Thursday was date night. His mind had been elsewhere, was his only excuse. “What do you want? I was asleep.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“What do you want? You’re letting the cold in.” Regulus looked tired, fed up even. James really had woken him up.

“I—Rachel broke up with me.” Regulus stared at him, then he frowned. James rolled his eyes. “She was my girlfriend for two years? You met her. Three times.”

“Was she blonde?”

“Brunette.”

“Oh. My condolences. Why are you here?”

“Christ, I’m upset and wanted to see your stupid in-a-perfect-relationship brother, but if he’s not here I’ll just…fuckin’ go somewhere else.” James put his face in his hands, trying to regulate his breathing. Where else could he go? Maybe the train station? Could call his parents and ask them if he could stay, but that meant three hours of travel and he had no idea if the trains ran this late on a Thursday. He started to feel his breath get shaky, and he willed himself not to cry before he heard a frustrated sigh.

“Come in. Hurry up.” Regulus had stepped to one side, wrapping an arm around his middle as he beckoned James in with a scowl.

James didn’t hesitate. It was too cold outside to start arguing and he could just wait for Sirius and Remus to get back…the next morning. Fuck.

“Thanks…” he gave Regulus a half-assed smile and received an eye roll in return. James took off his shoes and set his bag down, occasionally staring at Regulus as he wasn't moving or even looking towards the stairs in a not so subtle hint that he wanted to leave. He was just...watching him. Arms folded, eyes sharp and jaw set. It was a bit unnerving but James had grown up around him, he was used to this. "I'm sorry I woke you up."

"You would have woken me up even if Sirius was here," Regulus pointed out and James nodded awkwardly. "Would you like some tea?"

Now that caught him off guard. "What?"

"Tea? You're sad, I'm offering you tea."

"Uh...sure? Milk and four sugars." Regulus grimaced. "Don't judge me."

"It's disgusting." He muttered as he padded into the kitchen, a light flicking on as he started rummaging through cabinets. James stood in the hallway for a little while before eventually making his way through the house behind him. Regulus usually stormed off upstairs whenever Sirius' friends were around, not even making an attempt at being polite. But James wasn't going to complain about the gesture he was being offered now, especially since he could really do with a hot mug of tea.

"Did you walk here?" Regulus asked, putting two tea bags into seperate mugs.

"Bus."

"You really need to learn how to drive." He pressed the button on the kettle as James snorted, seating himself at the kitchen island and shrugging off his damp coat.

"Yeah, I know. My Mum tells me every time I take the train to see her."

"She's right." Regulus turned and leaned his back against the counter, arms folded again. He looked cosy, James realised. Like he had just been bundled up in a bunch of blankets with the radiator going. He felt bad, then, for waking him. Although, if Sirius were here it would probably be worse. Having to listen to them talk until god knows when, probably get drunk to take James' mind off of the break up.

He recoiled a little. He almost forgot.

Regulus, being the observant person that he was, cocked his head a little. "Are you okay?"

"Hm? Oh...no, not really." James fiddled with his hands on the island. "She, uh, I really cared about her." Regulus didn't say anything, as if waiting for him to continue talking. "I'm not very good at the relationship thing, I think. I don't...want what everyone else wants. I'm not ready to have kids or even get married yet...someday, sure but...I just like having fun."

"You're too young for children." Regulus said and James shrugged.

"Rachel didn't think so."

"Well, that's her opinion. And it's wrong."

James winced. "You don't have to be so blunt about it."

"I'm just saying what I'm thinking." Regulus turned a second before the kettle was ready and James watched him delicatley pour the water into each mug, making sure they were equal measures before taking the milk out of the fridge.

"Can I have ski—"

"Skinny. I know." Regulus already had the carton in his hand and James felt taken aback. He remembered? He wasn't sure if Regulus had ever made tea or coffee for him before, maybe Sirius had told him? Once James tea was done, he poured in oat milk for his tea—barely even a drop—and stirred in the ridiculous amount of sugar for his guest and just some honey for himself. Regulus turned, handing the mug to James and then going back to leaning on the counter. "I'm sorry she broke up with you."

"I mean...it wasn't going to work."

"But you wanted it too."

"Yes, obviously. I'm in love with her."

"Love isn't always enough to make a relationship work." James stared at him in shock. Regulus was a wise person, even though he was a couple years younger than James, and sometimes he said things that really blew him away. He slowly reached for his tea and sipped it with a hum, his body relaxing at the warm, sweet taste.

"Thank you." Regulus gave him a curt nod before sipping his own tea. "She...it's for the best. Even if it sucks ass right now."

"At least you understand that. A lot of people would be crying by now."

"I cried when I was in the lift." James admitted and he thought he saw the hint of a smile on Regulus' lips. "That's not funny."

"I'm not laughing."

"You're holding it back, I know you."

"You don't."

"I grew up with you, I know you almost as well as I know Sirius." Regulus scoffed but didn't say anything else, just took another sip then looked at him.

"I think...even though she is valid for her wants and needs, so are you. You deserve someone who wants the same things that you do. You're a good man, James. Even if you are annoying."

James pouted. "I'm not that annoying."

"When you're not around Sirius, you're okay. Otherwise...almost unbearable."

"Ah! Almost!" James grinned at him and Regulus suddenly seemed to look rather flushed. "Thank you for the tea, I can sleep on the sofa until Sirius get's home?"

"Stay in his room. He won't come back until the morning and he'd kill me if he thought I'd let you sleep down here." Regulus said. "There's towels in the airing cupboard if you want a shower. Sirius won't care if you borrow his clothes, I assume half of your wardrobe is his anyway."

James scoffed. "Maybe like...a shirt or two."

"He wears your old University hoodie almost every day. You're practically married." James smiled fondly. If only Sirius hadn't met lovely old Remus, maybe he'd snatch him up for himself. Handsome, intelligent, wickedly funny and probably a beast in the bedroom.

Maybe James should try dating men for a bit...

"Thanks, Reg. You're pretty nice when you're sleepy." James teased, reaching over to ruffle his hair and laughing when Regulus tried, but failed, to dodge out of the way. He huffed at him and hid his face behind the mug as James got up and shouldered his bag again. "Cheers for letting me stay."

"Whatever. Don't drip water on the carpet. You're like a wet dog." James resisted the urge to shake his hair out. As he was walking to the stairs, Regulus called out to him. "You'll find someone when you're ready." He said, and James looked over his shoulder at him. Regulus swallowed. "Just...you're a nice person. Anyone would be lucky to have you."

James smiled softly at him. "You're just as sweet as Sirius, you know." He said, and made his way up the stairs to have a shower and pass out.

When he was gone, Regulus felt like he could breath again. He put the mug down and covered his face with his hands, wondering how the hell he got through that without breaking. James was single again, after two years he was on his own again. Regulus felt sick for being happy about it, because he shouldn't be. James was hurting and there was no way he'd ever just dive in and try to...well, he'd never be confident enough to try and 'woo' him anyway.

He was a loser. Sirius' weird little brother that stayed in his room all day and had the biggest, gayest crush on James Potter that he could barely hide. And then he turned up on his doorstep dripping wet, looking like a kicked puppy, and was now going to be sleeping one wall away from him. He groaned.

James was going to be the death of him, and god he was sick for knowing he'd enjoy every moment of it.

[alltheyoungmoons]

The Gift

G - WIP - Part 1/? - 1k words - ATYD timeline compliant.

Is this a fic? Because there's barely any plot. This is the first part of one single scene and it's already long as fuck, because I am nothing if not verbose. Based on this headcanon. Hopefully I won't drag it out too much. Enjoy and lmk what you think!

Sirius Orion Black the Third had heard his best friend singing the praises of one Lilian Jasmine Evans for so long that he never thought there would come a day when the two of them would amicably be having a private conversation. 

It’s not that he thought bad of her - they had just never seemed that compatible. She had been an annoying swot in their early years at Hogwarts, and she was friends with Snivellus of all people, which, in Sirius’ book, couldn’t be a good sign of character. Thank Godrick people change, and if he had been surprised when James and Lily finally got together, imagine his shock when he realised he had, in fact, grown fond of the redhead himself. 

Remus, of course, had predicted it. The bastard was always right.

The clever bastard was, incidentally, the topic of conversation that morning in the library. They had come back from Winter break a fortnight before, but the third years already managed to wreak havoc in the dungeons - Slughorn had previously confessed to the seventh years how the Slytherin-Hufflepuff third class was particularly inept this year. So class had been cancelled for that morning, as the Potions professor tried to take care of the sour batches before they exploded all over his classroom. Potter used the free hour to take care of some Quidditch business, and since neither Sirius nor Lily had other urgent plans, they decided to spend the time revising in the library. As he glanced at the freckly girl across the table, Sirius thought it was probably the first time they were spending time alone, ever. He couldn’t recall any other instance anyway. 

They had been sitting quietly for a while, reading, but the novelty of having a spontaneous hour off was evidently bothering Lily:

“Ugh I just can’t focus at the moment, this free has really thrown me off my schedule” she sighed, rubbing her eyes. Count on Lily to look at a free hour like a hindrance.

“That’s exactly what Moony would say” he chuckled. He found that now that all his friends knew, it was so easy to make comments like this, without worrying about the implications. Still easier with Lily, who was similar to Remus in many ways - both analytical planners, worryingly devoted to their to-do lists, but who crumbled under pressure if anything didn’t go to plan. Sirius and James, on the other hand, were the think-on-your-feet types. He privately thought they had all paired up quite well. 

Lily had blushed slightly at being compared to Remus; she probably thought it was high praise, and Sirius was inclined to agree. He could only have intended a compliment, if the other boy was involved. 

After a moment's silence, Lily’s eyes widened a bit, as if she had just remembered something, and leaned forward across the desk. Sirius put down his book, glad to be done with the pretence of doing something useful and instead turning his attention to something more exciting than the legislature around Veritaserum. 

“Speaking of Remus… his eighteenth birthday’s coming up,” Lily said, somewhat expectantly.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at this. Sure, March was more than a month away, but did she think he didn’t remember?

“I know, he’s my boyfriend.” He stumbled through his defensive tone. It was the first time he ever referred to Remus as such, out loud anyway. He felt the top of his ears warm up - he had surprised himself with this choice of vocabulary. Lily’s cheeks had become bright red as well; it was new territory for all of them. 

“Of course, I was just wondering…if you have anything planned? Gift-wise?” There was a tinge of nervousness in her voice “I know we went all-out last year, but eighteen is when you come of age for muggles, and I thought he would maybe appreciate if someone put some effort to celebrate this…I know it sounds silly, but I would…” she shrugged. Sirius could see she truly cared about this, and that she was putting a lot of thought behind it. He always held in high regard all his friends who didn’t abjure their muggle origins, even more now, in the middle of the war. Moreover, any birthday was a good enough reason to spoil your loved ones, no matter the cultural implications of the age they were turning. 

“Yeah - I, um, already got him something, actually” he answered apologetically, remembering the detailed instructions he wrote to the Goblin goldsmiths. Lily’s shoulders slumped at this,

“Ugh, I should’ve known,” she looked very defeated “I have been wracking my brains for weeks trying to come up with a gift, but with everything that’s been going on I never have more than five seconds to properly think about it…” Sirius tried to now dwell on all the things "everything that's been going" could entail.

“Well… I’m giving him a cigarette holder” he supplied, expecting Lily to disapprove. She and James were always giving out to him and Remus for the terrible habit. 

“That’s perfect!” She gasped. Sirius was stunned. She then buried her doll-like face in her hands “That’s perfect for him. He’ll love it. I’ll never find anything as good.”

“Aren’t you putting too much pressure on yourself? I’m sure Moony will appreciate anything you give him.” This was true, but unfortunately didn’t sound as comforting now that he’d said it out loud. 

“I know he will, but it’s not just that… I want this to be special, you know? Something useful, yes, but also meaningful.”

Meaningful. Sirius was looking into Lily’s green eyes, her gaze tired but solemn. 

Since the Diagon Alley attack, meaning had been an elusive concept to capture. It wasn’t the same as purpose, it was much more fickle. In the face of the terrible evil that was making itself increasingly more present, meaning seemed to escape entirely. Asking "why" wasn’t an option anymore, if any answer to it seemed impossible to conjure. The lack of certainty in the present translated itself into an imbuing of meaning in the small, mundane things. Thus, a simple birthday gift could, and did, hold this much weight. 

He straightened up, a fire newly lit within him.

“Ok, let’s brainstorm.”

[constantlyfalling]

Feelings on the latest episode of Helluva Boss (Apology Tour).

Wow, this got away from me. It was more structured and then became a mess.

Blitz really went on a journey that was eye opening for him and needed. I need that to happen for Stolas too. I think, I hope, that is where the series is going. I am just not certain, and that makes me nervous.

I'm hoping Stolas will try seeing other people, casually or not. I'm not mad about the kiss at all. I think it was needed for both Blitz (to see) and Stolas (to experience). Stolas needs more everything. He's lived in a cage, so to speak. He needs friends. He needs a support system. He needs real life and not more rom-coms giving him false ideals. He needs a reality check on how imps in soceity are treated.

I hope, actually more need, to see an apology from Stolas to Blitz. I've got some hope since in the song Stolas sang, he was questioning a lot. Inlcuding his role.

I also need him to learn more about Blitz. He really doesn't know much. Not that it's his fault entirely, Blitz clearly pushes people away. I think Stolas created a false reality of who Blitz is and that's been finally shattered. This goes both ways, as a relationship takes two. Blitz also needs to learn more about Stolas, and this episode showed some of that. We definielty need more.

We saw a lot of growth for Blitz in this episode. I loved that. No real notes. There was some things that bothered me, but nothing that really matters enough to me to point it out. I just want to see the same from Stolas.

There is so much about Blitz we don't know. There are all sorts of theories, but nothing is actually confirmed at the moment. Plenty that we can deduce, but the actual facts are still murky. We, the audience, know so much more about Stolas and how he got to where he is, than we do Blitz. As far as we have been shown, Stolas knows less about Blitz than us. He doesn't even have the murky knowledge to deduce that we have.

Blitz's trauma shouldn't excuse his actions, but it would help explain his actions. I am geniunely looking forward to learning more about how he got to where he is now. Again, there are blatant things we can gather from what we've been shown but that feels like the tip of the iceburg.

We got to hear about what Stolas wants (and deserves), to feel wanted, to not be alone. I think it's beautifully tragic that Blitz also suffers from this fear.

Stolas's fear is based in the fact he has been essentially alone and yearns for connection.

Blitz seems to want that connection, but pushes it away because he doesn't feel like he deserves it. He's his own worst enemy right now, but how did he become his own worst enemy?

They're completely compatible, but not compatible right now.

Random other comment, Blitz should've told Stolas about Striker, but I don't think it's fair for Stolas to say Blitz couldn't have been bothered to save him. I get they're going for the reason that Blitz didn't think he could get hurt, but Blitz was also being a good dad in that episode. Loona needed a shot, it's not like Blitz didn't go for some stupid reason.

[simplynims]

Rating Redacted Audio Characters Based On If I Would Realistically Date them:

This is based on personality compatibility and how realistically I'd be willing to date each character. All of this is lighthearted and just for fun, hope you enjoy!

David Shaw - 4/10 I personally wouldn't date him mostly for the fact our personalitys don't mesh well to begin with. Don't get me wrong he's hot as hell, but realistically I feel like I'm a more sensitive person than him and would get hurt easily by his words especially at the beginning. It's just something I wouldn't like in a relationship unless we're already close like that as friends before we start dating. He seems like a decent friend though that has your back in tough situations

Asher Talbot - 10/10 Yeah I would date him! Definitely someone I see myself dating, he's very charming and funny and I'm a sucker for anyone who can make me laugh so hard I'm absolutely wheezing lol. Realistically, I feel like we could make it work, we have a lot in common and he seems like a good communicator. Although, I'd probably pick up more of the cooking aspect of the relationship.

Milo Greer - 6/10 I wouldn't date him due to two reasons. The first reason is because I'd be too nervous to interact with him. The second reason is because I see him as this really cool person you wanna be friends with but you're just very awestruck by them that you chicken out and end up not interacting. I don't want to date him but I do want his gender and his fashion taste as well.

Vincent Solair - 6/10 He's very hot but I wouldn't date him. Mostly cause we don't have much in common, and also I'd be too intimidated to approach him to begin with. Plus, although the cocky flirty attitude is very attractive, realistically I wouldn't know how to respond to the flirting other than "Thank you, you look nice too!" 😭 But he seems like a good friend and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him.

Sam Collins - 8/10 Yeah I would date Sam! Realistically we'd start off as friends and if things developed I wouldn't mind dating him. He's a good communicator and tells you things straight forward, he's very sweet and someone I could see dating long term. I'd much rather us start off as friends and see where it goes but I'm also completely fine with us just being close friends. He's a nice fella that I'd love to get to know.

Porter Solair - 5/10 I wouldn't date him for a few reasons and one of them being we simply don't have a lot in common. Great for a one night stand but I'm not interested in one night stands. That plus I don't think I'd be able to approach him as he seems pretty intimidating overall.

Alexis Solair - 2/10 She's pretty but genuinely I don't think I'd be able to be near her let alone date her. Even if I did meet her without knowing what she did to Sam, her whole rude and entitled personality would scare me off pretty quickly. Like I said in David's section, I'm a sensitive person and she would probably make me cry.

[indignantlemur]

I was wondering what do andorians find attractive as a majority and individually?

Thank you.

Hello! To start off, I'm going to a quick and dirty breakdown of what all goes into attraction, and go from there.

Broadly speaking, attraction comes down to biology and psychology. Everyone and their grandmother at this point knows that we are attracted to cues which indicate a potential mate is healthy, is a carrier of desirable genes, etc. I could write an essay on that topic alone, but physiological cues are just one layer of the science behind attraction and mate selection.

A big factor in attraction and mate selection that folks often don't think about is histocompatibility. Bear with me, I'm remembering most of this from a biology professor's mid-class tangent many years ago. Histocompatibility is the sameness or sufficient similarity of the alleles of a set of genes called human leukocyte antigens (HLA), or major histocompatibility complex (MHC). In short: it's checking if the blueprint for your immune system looks a lot like the next guy's or not. Commonly, histocompatibility is tested when looking for compatible organ donors, but it plays a role in mate selections as well. Humans, for example, have tiny little receptors in our mouths which detect MHC markers within a partner's saliva when we kiss.

If a person's markers are sufficiently diverse from our own, we experience a "spark." This person's blueprints are different enough to be a good pairing for potential offspring! Hooray!

If they are too similar, Humans often feel that something is missing, or just generally felt weird/gross/put-off. Their blueprint is too matchy-matchy with yours: that's a firm no thank you!

This, of course, is a Human example. Andorians, presumably, function a little differently by virtue of their markedly different physiology and evolutionary path. Insects are well known for using chemical markers to communicate, and I don't see why Andorians wouldn't have this trait given their evolution, so I headcanon that Andorians are able to consciously parse pheromone markers utilising a vomeronasal organs (VNOs), which Humans don't really have.

(Well, we kinda-sorta do. Humans develop vomeronasal organs as fetuses, but then they go through a kind of regression and remain extremely under-developed forever afterwards. Human VNOs are really quite stunted, especially when compared with other animals on Earth. There's significant debate as to whether or not Humans actually can properly detect pheromones at all, in some scientific circles, while there does appear to be some evidence from recent studies that indicate that we can pick up some reproductive/social cues based on pheromones from our partners. It's a fascinating subject, but difficult to research as I understand it.)

Andorian pheromones would most likely relay subtle and complex indicators for health, fertility, arousal, and even moods to some degree. Andorians with long-term partners or strong relationships would be very familiar with any unique markers their friends, lovers, and family members have in their pheromones, and perhaps able to parse information on a subconscious level based on minute changes to those pheromone profiles. When it comes to aliens, however, all bets are off. Andorians are not built to parse Human pheromones, or any other species for that matter, and the information they do get from alien pheromones is confusing at best.

Thelen, for example, has noted in the past that Dagmar exudes a sharp, unpleasant chemical signal when in emotional distress, but at the time he had no idea what was being communicated to him.

Beyond pheromones, Andorians would often find markers of good health and diverse genes attractive as well, since that seems to be almost universal across many species. Some examples would be much like the Human equivalents, really: healthy blue skin, mobile antennae, thick hair, and very sharp teeth are commonly viewed as desirable (longer dual-incisors are considered particularly attractive, but there is a limit. No one wants to make out with a walrus.)

(Additional side note: Humans also tend to find longer incisors attractive, as it's generally regarded as a sign of good genes. Most folks find flat incisors a bit boring. Not outright unattractive, necessarily, but nothing to get excited about either. Individual mileage may vary, of course.)

Additionally, certain phenotypes are considered very attractive, such as blue eyes. Blue eyes on Andoria are very rare as the genes which result in this coloration are all recessive, but many believe that there is a beautiful, natural symmetry to an Andorian whose colouration is nothing but blue and white. Historically, a number of religious groups have assigned a kind of inherent divinity to those born with blue eyes, in fact, though modern sensibilities have since stamped such notions out quite thoroughly. That said, the appeal of blue eyes to Andorians cannot be understated: even aliens with blue eyes are deemed to be more attractive by default, and often find themselves on the receiving end of some very aggressive flirtation. Grey-eyed aliens aren't safe, either.

Now, beyond biology and appearance, we also have to look at more external factors, like culture, social pressures, and psychology.

Andorians place a great deal of emphasis on the importance of personal honour, strength, and the balancing act between self-control and passion. Additionally, we know they are a very social species, and that they are taught from a young age to value community over the individual. From this, we can conclude that these core values would inform their ideas of attractive personality traits and behaviours.

Personal honour and strength would, in some ways, go hand-in-hand in a society where duels to the death are still commonplace, but I would caution others to refrain from limiting their notion of strength to that of the physical alone. Mental fortitude is as valuable as physical might in as harsh an environment as Andoria often proves to be. Strength of arms paired with a weak mind and weaker self-control benefits no one, and Andorians look to the health and viability of the quad and the Clan above all.

Andorians are a deeply passionate people, which is what necessitates their often rigid social regulations, but that does not mean that they seek to remove their emotions entirely as the Vulcans are often purported to do. Rather, Andorians are very keenly aware that there is a time and a place for everything, and emotional outbursts outside of those times and places can be seen as deeply unattractive in a potential mate. Exceptions occur, of course - displays of great joy or terrible grief, for example, are given allowances that outbursts of rage or fear are not.

Additionally, childhood environment and parental figures play a huge impact on mate selection, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Sometimes, these factors serve as frames of reference for desirable traits and circumstances - and, sometimes, what to avoid at all costs.

Beyond that, however, individual preferences are the biggest deciding factors. Andorians are not all the same, nor do they have a mono-culture, and making more than broad generalizations here is a disservice to a complex species comprised of numerous unique individuals.

[zalrb]

Beremy Anon Question

Hi my screen capture didn’t show so I’ll send this in very long asks….——

There was no indication that Jeremy had a crush on Bonnie prior to Season Two. Now I’m going to be more specific, there’s no indication that Jeremy had a crush on Bonnie prior to finding out she was a witch. In hindsight, Jeremy’s attraction to Bonnie reads as though he’s fetishizing her which I don’t think I need to point out why that’s unsettling. She’s hot to him because she’s a witch, because she’s powerful and even though I will acknowledge that he eventually does have genuine care and love for her, I can’t get with the initial fetishizing. It taints it.

They are not compatible. I mean sure, Jeremy’s puppy dog fawning over Bonnie was cute and they have some cute, feel good scenes but there’s no substance there. They have no shared interests (although to be fair, Bonnie has no known interests period), they have nothing in common except finding each other hot, living in the same town and being mixed up in said town’s supernatural drama, and caring about Elena. Bonnie and Jeremy never talked to each other or connected the way he did with Anna. Anna was a better match for Jeremy.

Jeremy was the writer’s consolation prize to Bonnie. Caroline had an epic romance with Tyler and was lusted over by the world’s most powerful immortal. Elena had two immortal brothers vying for her love and affection and moving heaven and earth to protect her. Bonnie, a powerful witch, descending from a line of strong, powerful witches had her best-friend’s little brother. Let that sink in.

=========

magic was the conduit for him looking at Bonnie differently. He didn’t start to see Bonnie as a person, until he saw her as a witch. I have always felt like if Bonnie wasn’t a witch, then the result of their relationship would have been the same thing we got from their relationship in S1 and the start of S2 which was non-existence. That’s my opinion and I’m not saying that it’s fact because we have no way of knowing that. But seeing how invested he wanted to be in the supernatural world and how apart of he wanted to be and ultimately became or how in the season before, his fascination with vampires and wanting to become one for a time. I’m just inferring based on the whole picture that Bonnie being supernatural is what opened his eyes to her. 

======

Jeremy is thrilled by Bonnie being supernatural. He was thrilled and even more enamored with Anna being a vampire and wanted to be apart of her world. For the sake of intellectual honesty I’ll acknowledge that he also had a lot of emotional issues so that factored into wanting to be a vampire as well. But he liked the idea of Anna being a vampire. And when Elena started to keep him in the loop about all the other vampire and supernatural drama, he wanted to be apart of it. He wanted to be involved. He couldn’t understand why Bonnie didn’t like being a witch more because he thought it was so cool (but also respected the reason why she felt that way), talked to her about all the spells he’d cast if he was a witch, and with a little push from Caroline, admitted that he thought Bonnie doing spells was hot.

Adrenaline. In just a handful of episodes, they were in a lot of high stress situations. Put two hot people in close proximity to each other in those environments and sparks will fly.

He trauma bonded a little to her in Rose (2x08) over the fact that she feels alone in all the witch stuff and he feels alone in general. I guess for someone like Jeremy that’s a big deal but doesn’t overall do much for me in supporting this ship.

He does eventually start to see and appreciate her personality. He admires her virtue and willingness to put herself on the line for the people she cares about. And maybe where my fault is in assessing this relationship is maybe conflating those aspects of Bonnie’s virtue and selflessness with her magic as one in the same because that’s the way the show treats it. Bonnie is all those things because she has the power to be and the context of him being able to see that about her and acknowledge those traits comes from the fact that she’s able to offer magical solutions to everyone’s problems. She’s able to put on her conical hero hat, swoop in on her broomstick and kick some ass.

===============================================

Am I reading too much into this? There’s something about the way they keep insisting that Jeremy “fetishised” Bonnie that rubs me the wrong way. They frame the fact that the supernatural world made Jeremy notice Bonnie in a negative way. But isn’t that the same reason why Tyler and Caroline noticed each other? They also grew up together and presumably never found each other attractive or romantic interests, until they both found themselves in the supernatural world. They also “trauma bonded” if you want to be technical. Yet I feel that this person is deliberately casting Beremy in tthe worst light, and they’re doing it in a way that primarily disparages Bonnie. I’m sorry I’m not making myself clear.

*************************************************************************************

Zal Response:

OK. So. I find it ironic that this person doesn’t care for Beremy because Jeremy “fetishizes” Bonnie’s magic but thinks Anna was a better match for him when so much of their relationship revolves around Jeremy being preoccupied with Anna’s vampirism

because he emotionally manipulates her so she could turn him into one so he could be with Vicki

and even when he’s past that, their sex scene is entwined with how sexy/cool he finds her vampirism

It’s totally OK that that is a huge part of their love story (as well as with Anna using him so she could get to Pearl) that before he figured out she was a vampire, this was how he reacted to her

that Damon has to tell him to go for it

but Jeremy being curious about Bonnie’s magic is the real issue? Please.

Also, if they actually paid attention to his reactions in 2x07, it’s not Bonnie’s magic that he finds attractive, it’s Bonnie’s inability to stay out of the mess because she wants to do the right thing. She tells him that she hates being stuck in the middle but she doesn’t want other people to get hurt

and he finds that admirable, he smiles to himself and keeps looking at her 

Even when he’s talking to her about whether or not she can do a spell to ace a test or a sex spell, he’s making small talk 

because what he really wants to say is

Even here, it’s Caroline who brings up how hot it is to be a witch

which Elena does too in season 1 when Bonnie goes on that date with Ben and she encourages her to kiss him

because it’s an easy way to get the ball rolling on how he feels.

Just like how he wants to spend time with her so he basically does the supernatural version of “hey, why don’t you come to my house and study?”

It’s not really about the magic but when they do the magic it exacerbates the romantic tension they have

Jeremy and Anna play foosball as she’s trying to get him to believe that vampires can be real

and they play video games as he’s pumping her for information about vampirism,

so they may be doing “common interest” things but their topic of conversation isn’t “common interest”, they’re not Stelena,

they’re not Maroline

it’s still revolved around vampirism,

which is their true common interest.

Why is that better than Jeremy making fun of Bonnie for how bad she is at pool?

or them just hanging out at The Grill? (I still love that these are two different episodes and Jeremy is effectively wearing the same shirt)

Jeremy and Anna having conversations about how he feels lost and alone

and Jeremy choosing to go to a party with Anna because he’s tired of being the loner little brother 

and he wants someone who lurks and vaguely stalks him to help him re-enter the high school social scene

and to be his girlfriend to get over Vicki

is bonding, but Bonnie divulging her anxiety about her well-being

and Jeremy being protective of her because he doesn’t want to see her hurt and being her safe space

while also understanding what it’s like to lose family members

 isn’t bonding? Why?

This person admits that the show doesn’t give Bonnie any real interests, which is true because her storylines revolve around her being a witch and being sacrificial and a tool for the other characters, so a) Jeremy being the person she learns her spells with and strengthens her power with

the person she looks through grimoires with,

the person she comes to realizations with

when previously, we didn’t see her do that, she just appeared in scenes knowing spells

or she came to know her powers on her own/with Grams

is a form of them doing the “small things” together in the context of how Bonnie is written.

b) Jeremy telling her and telling everyone  else that she is not there to sacrifice for everyone, that she has limits, that she is human, him being a person she can be vulnerable with, gives their relationship substance, it’s just Bonnie-centric.

And every time there’s a relationship that’s Bonnie-centric (as much as the show allows), people do their best to twist it into making it seem like it’s a relationship that harms Bonnie instead. And I say this as a person who doesn’t even care that much about Beremy but it’s transparent and I’m over it.

Also for further reading:

https://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/681998935960780800/it-was-definitely-weird-seeing-how-jeremy-was

[fincalinde]

qi rong! i kid, i kid. how about jc.

I will ignore your cruel taunting and focus on my viniferous darling.

a song that reminds me of them

I don't think I have a personal anthem for him, but En Fortapt Bror (A Prodigal Brother) by Rotvelt would probably go on the playlist if I made one, just for this bit alone:

Kan ikke ta det tilbake Kan ikke få du gjort Jeg vil ikke ha tilgivelse Det vil ikke vaske det bort

Can't take it back Can't get you done I don't want forgiveness It won't wash it away

what they smell like

If we're getting poetic, like lotus fragrance and ozone.

an otp

No one in the cast is right for JC but I do think he wants and deserves a suitable wife so I like the idea of reading something where he's in a relationship. His problem is that he needs just, so much therapy before he can make an effective life partner for anyone. He features in this postcanon AU I wrote and that's a reasonable depiction of how I think things could shake out for him after many years have passed if he's worked on himself. Basically, I know his extracanonical list of qualities he requires in a wife is meant to be humorous, but I tried to incorporate them into an OC while also making her a match for him.

I dabbled in reading Sangcheng because I am a slave to @starwife and like, in theory, many many many many many years postcanon who knows what might happen? And mightn't that be interesting? Sadly I have come to the conclusion that it's too much of a stretch and isn't my cup of tea. Pls forgive

a notp

I was racking my brain to think of a JC pairing I kneejerk hate beyond the general 'well, he isn't really compatible with any of the characters we meet' stance and then I realised I had forgotten Xicheng exists. Pause for audience laughter.

What can I even add here? It's based on nothing and it's not even like there's the intelligence of a thoughtful resistant read behind it. The laziest possible pair the spares approach taken by people whose reading comprehension is so poor they think JGY is an irredeemable cackling villain and WWX is a noble woobie. Thankfully it's easy for me to avoid and therefore ironically ends up irritating me less than bad Xiyao in practice.

favorite platonic/familial relationships

I love his relationship with his mother. She's just horrendous to him and I don't think he ever has any concrete evidence she loves him until their final moments together, but what I find most interesting and realistic is that he seems to understand her. He can see why she is who she is, which doesn't in any way mitigate the damage she does but is an important part of their dynamic because it's an element of why he defends her and it contributes to how he internalises her criticisms.

My favourite JC and YZY moment is this:

Jiang Cheng was stuck between his father and his mother. After a moment of hesitation, he moved to his mother’s side. Holding his shoulders, Madam Yu pushed him forward for Jiang FengMian to see, “Sect Leader Jiang, it seems that some things I have to say. Look carefully—this, is your own son, the future head of Lotus Pier. Even if you frown upon him just because I was the one who bore him, his surname is still Jiang! … I don’t believe for one second that you haven’t heard of how the outside people gossips, that Sect Leader Jiang has still not moved on from a certain Sanren though so many years have passed, regarding the son of his old friend as a son of his own; they’re speculating if Wei Ying is your…”

YZY emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abuses her son. She is failing him as a mother and as a mentor. But she is not failing him as badly as JFM is failing him, and everything she says here is completely correct. And when JC and WWX talk about it afterwards, JC is also correct. WWX and LWJ kill the Xuanwu of Slaughter and no one cares or gives JC credit for his less glamorous contributions. His own father prefers WWX and doesn't even like him, and that is appalling.

WWX means well by trying to gloss over it, but it's an open secret and pretending it's not true is harmful. YZY is also going about it all wrong, but she's the only person who calls JFM out directly for failing his son. Pot, kettle, but there's a reason why when JC is stuck between his parents he ends up going over to his mother's side.

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with

I'm going to go radical here and say I don't personally enjoy or want to read any postcanon Twin Heroes reconciliation. The novel is pretty final about how things end up for them, and it's my belief that they are both far better off not being in each other's lives any more. It's sad because they were close as brothers and love each other so deeply, but ultimately it's for the best. They both appear to be in agreement about this.

the position they sleep in

Probably looks all super cool and handsome when he sleeps, but unfortunately not quite as super cool and handsome as WWX.

a crossover au i’d love to see them in

Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Can you imagine.

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn

We all know I'm MDZS first in almost everything, but I'm not a huge fan of JC's hair in the official art. Besides, it cracks me up that JC is far and away the most stylish member of the cast in CQL, and yet there's no indication that it's actually an interest of his. CQL NHS wearing his same basic bitch grey and white yet again while CQL JC swaggers past in his shoulder pads owning the entire world—amazing. How could I pick a favourite? I do like his official photo look though, because the gold looks great with the purple.

[wafaelsx]

the reality of long-term solitude (III)

i’m not so great at structuring these things. imma just write as i go but basically something a friend told me a couple of years ago is starting to click. i find that oftentimes i accept what people tell me as true in the moment while i still have my doubts, because i don’t particularly enjoy discourse unless it’s just so pertinent to moving the conversation forward. i believe we were talking about what we’re looking for in a partner, and i said i want someone who completely understands me. i had the presumption that if i met someone that i was already very compatible with, that in due time she’d come to, solve me perhaps. it’s funny because that’s the last thing i want from anyone else, even friends of mine. i believed that whoever i end up with for a long term romantic relationship would domesticate me in a way. i had a mental image in my head of myself as a pet, and my partner as my owner, but not even in a ddlg kind of way as it probably sounds. i don’t particularly like being dominated or what have you, i’m pretty ‘vanilla’ on those fucking bsdm tests. part of me, i suppose, was and still am tired of living, in the traditional sense. i think if i found someone that i was extraordinarily compatible with personality wise, and was also moderately attractive, i’d be willing to marry this person. i keep going back and forth between referring to my potential partner as a woman and them, but i’m heterosexual.. believe it or not. hopefully i can find a fucking woman before they’re not even called that anymore. but in any case, the vision in my head is something like i’m left to my own devices for about 65% of the time, and the other 35% of the time would be spent with them. this time i would also surrender to doing actual activities, going out, whatever the fuck. i kind of see myself as a bit of a science experiment in a way in that regard. i envision myself being like shown off in a way, like ‘look at this guy, he sure is something! i also fuck him, for reasons that may not be apparent!’ because i do believe on the surface level, there isn’t much to desire in me as a person. i’m probably a lot funnier than most people, because i have an easier time finding humor in situations, or making connections others wouldnt, based on my knowledge of, i mean everything. i’m probably also a bit smarter than the average person. those two attributes alone make me unique in a sense, other than that i don’t know what you’d see in me as a person, both personality and physical attraction wise.

anyway, my friend’s response to my desire for my partner to understand me in an all encompassing way was quickly shot down, basically. he told me that no one will ever truly understand me, because humans aren’t capable of doing that, not even for themselves to an extent. this probably should’ve been obvious to me, i know. i’m not naive in many ways, but as it pertains to romantic relationships i certainly don’t have it all figured out. my attempts at such have all fallen pretty much flat, and i can’t say i’ve found that those experiences made it easier for me to find someone new, as many might allude to. they were swings and misses, wholly, and i get frustrated with myself thinking about my missteps in that regard. a lot of things u just have to experience to get it, and i will say this is probably one of them. advice about ‘‘women’‘ or ‘‘how to get pussy’‘ or whatever never sounds very good coming from anyone, especially cause whatever advice they give you probably won’t work because they aren’t you, and don’t understand you. the nuance involved in courting a partner is quite complicated in my own estimation. there isn’t really a guaranteed way to convince someone that you’re worth fucking, and to be honest, you’re probably better off misleading them in a way if thats your goal. lying isn’t necessarily what im getting at, but it seems in my experience that what women found attractive in me wasn’t actually who i was, so when we make it out the ‘‘talking phase’‘ and they see me a bit more transparently, many of them were quick to throw in the towel. i’m a bit of an obsessive person, so it’s been hard for me to let go of people from my past. all in all, i chalk it up as a learning experience and i’m pretty unfazed by my past dealings with women. it doesn’t keep me up at night, but i do sometimes wonder what, or if i had actually done wrong, or if it just wasn’t meant to be. i will also grant that sometimes u meet people at the wrong part of ur life and the maturity difference/difference in actual place in life proves too great to overcome. logic tells me pretty much every relationship ive seriously been involved with couldve been salvaged, or maybe a better way of saying it was i doubt that we were different enough to not eventually work it out, if we both tried. most ppl arent patient tho with relationships, and i get it. people often bring up just the staggering amount of humans on earth as an antidote to your dismay about unrequited love, or what have you. i think that’s a pretty stupid thing to tell people when theyre going thru it, partly because i dont think the logic actually holds any water. i think most people could be in a committed monogamous relationship if they were both mature enough, i think thats the biggest determining factor above everything else i’m still very young, so most women i encounter are not really enticed by the idea of lifelong commitment. i believe if we have enough in common and we like fucking each other more than average, what else is out there really? i think those two things together are probably extremely difficult to find in one person, especially for me.

i probably have more to say, but i can’t think of how i want to format it, even in an approximate sense. so i’ll try to sum it up with these closing thoughts. i guess i’m just saying i realized that i have to learn to live with myself. oftentimes i express my thoughts or beliefs, and i can see in real time how my words are just failing to land on people, even my own fucking parents. maybe this all just sounds like an emo wall of text, idk. people are more unique than i suppose i had considered, so to ask of someone to solve any other person would be quite the undertaking. i also realize that before i can be successful at anything, i’m going to have to change in a very profound, fundamental way. the answer isn’t clear to me, i’m unsure what lies ahead.

[aboutitnot]

we’re not talking.

we’re ignoring each other.

i’m ignoring you.

pulling away and making a distance that feels safer and more secure.

i’m stuck on the idea that moving out would be good for me.

plainly i can’t afford to right now. probably not for a while.

but i’m stuck on the idea and with how we are i feel like im teetering on the edge of calling it.

i feel as though i’m one more bottom line away from calling us through.

i’m angry and frustrated and you don’t and can’t a will probably never understand how what you did hurt me.

i can’t say that it was wrong, and i understand logically why you chose to do those things.

and the fact that it hurt and cut so deep and was such a bottom line that you crossed doesn’t phase you.

i don’t know how to get past it.

well, i do. but it involves forgiving and forgetting

and something about that doesn’t sit right with me.

i don’t want to get over it because it feels like it makes that behavior okay. and i don’t want it to be okay.

i don’t want to.

i’m not good at putting up a front and pushing myself to be okay when i don’t feel okay with a situation.

im not good at hiding my feelings.

it’s something to work on.

i shouldn’t have built up the resentment i did

i should have acted differently.

but i’m not okay.

and i’m hurting you deeply

and you’ve hurt me deeply.

i don’t want it to be a fight over who is more hurt or who has done things worse.

but i don’t want to share anything about myself or my space with you right now.

maybe it will change once i get through my degree.

maybe without the extra pressure i have i’ll have more space to be patient and kind again.

maybe we can be friends. maybe we can go somewhere that we both feel better about.

sometimes i crave what we had and how we were.

i do miss it. i miss feeling better about us.

but even our best wasn’t great for me. it was fragile. it was sharp. and it wasn’t based on anything deep.

we were built on the fact that we’re compatible in our manners.

that we both liked some of the same things.

that you were attracted to me.

but what else was there?

was i attracted to you? other than reacting and needing your attention and approval?

did i like hearing about your day? did you like hearing about mine?

did we work outside of a bubble with just to two of us?

i don’t know.

but looking back it was fragile.

and the fact that i could push it down and come back around after the sharp edges poked me held us together for a very long time.

when it came down to it, i was alone in my feelings.

and maybe you should have seen it coming.

our history hurt us.

we made mistakes. we were immature and struggling.

we hurt each other. we built our patterns on the outcomes of those immature reactions and decisions.

i’m not bad for wanting something more or something different.

i’m not going to talk past each other and defend my feelings to you.

they are what they are.

take it or leave it.

you’re not sorry for what you did to me.

i suppose im not sorry for what im doing to you.

i don’t want to make a rash decision under pressure in anger or fear.

that’s not right.

i need to be prepared for what comes next.

what ever that is.

[tofueggnoodles]

Tried a new hairdresser and ended up being a smartass old fart

I will probably delete this. Just wanted to put this down and post it somewhere to get this off my chest.

Direct and respectful – this is my impression of German-speaking men who were (apparently) trying to pick me up. But then, it’s not as if I get these attempts every other month. I can only recall two such events, as 1. I am not an overly social person and 2. my interest in pursuing sexual or romantic relationships had completely disappeared by the time I turned forty.

A far cry from my wild thirties in a certain city island in southeast Asia, when I maintained a spreadsheet of statistics regarding of every sexual encounters I had – my rating of the experience, the guy’s name, the date and the location. Ever the organized analyst, me.

Anyhow, back to the topic. These sex ‘friends’ did not pick me up, because I messaged them on dating sites. So, all in all, the two times in Europe can be said to be the only times in my life that I had ever been picked up.

Both times, it had been, “Do you have a husband or boyfriend?” (This sounds better in German, I swear.)

The first one happened in my late thirties, around the time I realized that I did not really want a long-term, serious relationship, ever, and that my desire for no-string attached sex was waning as well. I chalked the latter up to peri-menopause. So I lied and said I was married, and the guy (who seemed to be around my age) left me alone after a short small talk.

The second time happened two days after I turned forty-eight. Again, the bald-faced lie came easily to me. The kid kept up the small talk for longer. Probably because he was the talkative type and most importantly, because he was the hairdresser, meaning that we would have to spend the next fifteen minutes together.

“So how long have you been married?”

Aha. A great opportunity to gently let him know that he tried to pick up someone old enough to be his mother, I thought. So I replied, while keeping an eye on the scissors he was wielding, “I just turned 48, so, around twenty years or so?”

Luckily, I did not lose an earlobe or an eye. He lowered the scissors. “It’s true what they said about [people of X ethnicity]. You all look younger than your age. I thought you were around my age. I am 31.”

Now since it will kill me to tell a story in a linear progression, I will backtrack to five minutes earlier.

Kid: Where are you from?

Me (used to this question after years in Europe): [Country in southeast Asia].

Kid: You know, I’ve always wanted to get a girlfriend [from country X].

(Note that country X is not my birth county, but it is the birth country of my forebears.)

Me (scrunches up my face quizzically): Why?

Kid: Well, because the ladies from there are all so pretty.

Me: Huh, really.

Kid: But I’ve never managed to meet any so far.

Me: Oh? I thought this city is overrun with [people from country X]. (as are most cities in the world, which I left unsaid.)

Me: Anyway, [country X] is a big country, isn’t it? Meaning that the people from there are bound to be diverse.

(What I was trying to imply: “How would you know that the lady would be compatible with you just because she happens to fulfill your very simple criteria of being of a certain ethnicity?” However, I was tired and my B1 German is not up to conveying even such a simple idea lol.)

After that, the small talk thankfully turned into a pleasant conversation about my employer and the hairdresser’s admiration for the company and everyone who managed to be employed there. His German marks him as a native of the city (although his parents or grandparents are from somewhere else, based on the name of his shop and his appearance). And I work for big, but still family-owned company which contributes to a significant portion of the city’s economy and what I contemptuously call its ‘artsy endeavors.’

Because I am a smart-ass, near the end of the session, I said, “Why don’t you go dine at one of the many [X] restaurants in this city? Surely you’ll get to meet someone there, since there’s a big chance that the proprietor or server will be of [ethnicity X].”

The kid had the grace to look embarrassed as he replied, “How come I never thought of that? Now I feel so stupid. I guess it’s because I’m not really into food.”

I was positively smug by then, so I consoled him with: “That’s an obvious solution to me because we (people from [country in southeast Asia]) are all foodies.”

A pity that this did not happen fifteen years earlier. Looks-wise he’d be quite close to my type back then, although not when it comes to smell. It was not his fault, but he was obviously a beef-eater and I can’t abide the stench of beef in a beef-eater’s breath – something which is overwhelming if you don’t consume beef.

Anyhow, I digress. Moral of the story: Even if you’re an old smart-ass asshole (and a bigot yourself), try your best to help a young person fulfill their dream, no matter how silly or racist it may be.

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

10/8/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription

Part 3

Prayer:

So, Father, we thank you for your word today. Thank you for your son. Thank you for your love. Thank you for understanding and revelation. Thank you for the fulfillment of all things. We thank you for your redemption. Thank you that you are the beginning and the end. And you are everything in the middle as well. We love you. We worship you, revere you and stand in awe of who you are. Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.

Announcements:

Daily Audio Bible. That's the place to go if you have any questions. If you want to take a look around, that's the website. Home Base as Brian says. I call it the Mothership. Not really sure why, but if there's anything you want to know, that's the place to go to find it out. If you would like to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, thank you so much for your partnership. Every gift is a yes for the word of God to be read audibly into the entire world until the whole world hears the good news of Jesus. If you're giving by mail, DAB PO Box 1996 Spring Hill, TN 37174. Or you can hit that give icon. It's up at the top right hand corner of your mobile phone. If you would like prayer, if you'd like to pray for someone that's previously called in you can sure do so 800-583-2164 or hit the red circle button up at the top right hand corner of your mobile device and make sure you hit submit and then turn that wheel to chronological and it will get to the right place. That's gonna do it for me today. We will turn the page together tomorrow when the stories of our own lives as we wake up to a readily new mercy awaiting us tomorrow morning and as we mirror our lives in the pages of the Bible. Until tomorrow, love one another. 

Community Prayer Line:

Just wanted to call with some encouragement and prayers for Diana from Florida and Kindergarten Katie. Umm. It's not a coincidence that in today's reading, October 5th that we read about Jesus calling Phillip and Phillip, calling Nathaniel and Nathaniel saying, how do you know me? And Jesus said before Philip called you, I saw you under the fig tree. And to me that is just amazing. I feel like God still tells us that today in a way. Like I feel like God is saying, you know, when we're at our lowest, when we think nobody's...nobody can possibly understand, He does. And so, like Kindergarten Katie said, all those who can't call on for whatever reason, whether you just don't have the time alone or the quiet time, or just don't have the words, or you struggle with speech or whatever the case is, God sees you and He's there and He loves you. He's with you in every moment. Lord, I just want to look at this entire community. Diana from Florida and Katie came out and Katie Lord, I just looked them up. These beautiful women of faith that love you, Lord God, that have called and prayed for others and have and have, I'm sure, silently prayed for others, not calling in but praying on their own- communication with you. Lord, I thank you for every person in this community. I pray for every broken heart. We're all struggling with something, some more than others. And God, you know, each of our hearts and I just lift up each and every person and their families and the struggles and the heartaches. God remind us at our lowest points that you see. Carry us in those lowest moments. We thank you so much, Jesus. In your beautiful name.

Hello DABC, this is Ted from So Cal. I'm calling to follow up- in May I called about my best friend having stage 4 kidney failure and potentially needing a transplant and my wife and I are going through the process to support that. And just praying as we await the results of our first wave of blood testing to check compatibility that you be with, but he would be with us and we've been waiting a call for an extra long time. And I think partially that's because I keep telling God I'm going to ask my DABC family to pray and I keep forgetting to do that, keep trying to do that, and I'm over here waiting for that phone call. All right, family. Thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Hi, this is Cheryl from Central California, also known as the Fresno Angel. A friend of mine compiled a book of her poems and prayers and writings and it's called From Cocoon to Butterfly- Reflections and her name is Barbara Epps and I would like to read one of her poems. It's entitled Your Creation. The birds that sing, I sing with Your creation. I bless Your holy name, the sweet sound of the birds that sing- that glorify your name. I lift my voice to sing with them each morning when I rise. You gave me the song in my heart. Oh God, I know that you're alive. So I say thank you, dear Father, for what you've given me, the beauty of your creation and everything I see. I lift my voice to praise you as I listen intently to the music of the birds that sing and the flutter of their wings. This is your creation. I won't let it pass me by. It shows me of Your magnificence. Each morning when I rise, I sit and I become real still. I don't want to miss a thing as you show me through the birds that sing. That you're in everything.

[brigidjc]

hi

- INTRODUCTION –

 Hi.

I spent a lot of the last month wondering if it’s even worth it to say anything. Who would I be writing for? Do I care what people think? Would it be appropriate to say anything at all?

In the end, it came down to me just wanting to try my best to explain everything from start to finish—less about pointing fingers and more about just describing the whole picture for people to understand the situation. I think a lot of the people calling me a murderer just don’t know the whole story and are going solely based off what one person is saying. It isn’t fair for me to try to sling dirt back at him when he can’t respond, and at this point, that’s not really what I want to do anyway (although I can certainly do it). I’m just thinking about all the people out there who are confused and conflicted, who don’t know what to believe, who want to mourn the person they knew but also want to acknowledge his less-than-optimal behaviors that I revealed before I went on private.

If you read this, and you still have the verdict that I’m an awful person, whatever. You’ve consumed all the materials, and you’re entitled to your opinions. But please just look at the whole picture before coming to a conclusion.

 - BACKGROUND –

To properly understand DC, I think you have to start at the very beginning. I’m sorry to his family for speaking about his private home life, and I’ll try to respectfully speak as little about it as possible. I will also admit that nobody has directly told me all the details about his early family life, so I’ve had to piece it all together through utterances here and there. I apologize if any of this is inaccurate, and I will gladly accept any corrections.

DC’s mother had him as a teen, and she left him to be raised by her parents; DC never had a relationship with his father. He was raised by his grandparents, who he believed to be his parents until the truth was revealed to him later. This came as a huge shock to him that forever changed his mindset. From this point on, he had a fear of abandonment, a strong value of commitment, and a skepticism for lies and truth.

At some point, DC’s parents hurt him, and he left his house, vowing to never come back or rely on anyone again. He was alone, and he adopted an “I can do it myself” mindset. He didn’t fully learn how to cooperate, collaborate, or communicate with others, because he did everything himself. He viewed most people only as connections rather than friends, keeping people at a distance to protect himself.

Because he viewed himself as his only advocate, DC fought hard, and with that strength, he worked himself up to higher and higher positions. His mindset was validated by his success. Till the end, DC believed firmly in “the end justifies the means,” “survival of the fittest,” and, his favorite phrase, “If you want something done, you’ve gotta do it yourself.”

 - THE RELATIONSHIP -

In 2016, DC met me. I really liked him, and for some reason or another, I think he decided that I was the one with whom he was going to settle down.

The relationship moved quickly. We went from just talking to suddenly Facebook-official girlfriend-boyfriend, him taking me to company events, and us moving in together. Every step closer, I brought up concerns that this was moving too fast, and he only replied that everything was fine.

As I got to know him more, I realized that we were not compatible. We were too different, from values to personality to likes and dislikes. But every time I tried to bring this up, DC dismissed my concerns: “We’re fine, I don’t see any problems,” “It’s OK to be different,” “You’re making an issue where there isn’t one,” etc. Every time, I decided to give the relationship more time to see if it would change.

There were good times, sure. He definitely liked to publicize the good times, even telling me how to write my own tweets to make our life seem amazing. But there were a lot of times when I was unhappy and confused, when my concerns were dismissed or pushed aside, and when I didn’t know what to do or what to think.

He was also clearly very lonely. He hated when I hung out with friends, and whenever I said I wanted “me time,” he turned off all the lights in the apartment and lamented about always being a lone wolf. It was hard for me to leave someone who was clearly so lonely, a trait that was born from his distance from his family.

After all my failed attempts to talk to him about our issues, I resigned to trying to just leave him outright. But every time, DC convinced me to stay: his constant dismissal suddenly turned into a quiet apology; he cried and begged until he threw up; and once he even showed me wedding things he had already bought, explaining that he had already planned to propose to me years before he actually did. Each time, I felt like I was going insane, and I stayed.

Finally, after a lot of back and forth, I did leave. We broke up for a month, and in that time, DC made it clear that he wanted to get back together with me. I wanted time and distance from him, but something happened at the place I was staying, and out of desperation, I called DC. He picked me up on his way to a doctor’s appointment.

In that doctor’s appointment, DC received the diagnosis of ALS. It was a silent, dreadful moment as we took everything in. Afterward, when we got back in the car, DC admitted that, if I hadn’t been there, he would have just driven off the side of the parking lot and killed himself.

DC needed my support, he clearly wanted me back, and he was willing to change. I thought that, even though we had problems, at the end of the day, we both do still love each other. I wanted DC to have the best last years of his life with love and support from a partner.

In the beginning, things were great. But as the disease progressed, things got worse. Not only was it harder emotionally to accept DC’s mortality, but it was also painful to see his body weakening physically. Easy things like holding a spoon started becoming difficult, and he was frustrated and ashamed every time he lost the ability to do something. He started giving up on things that he knew he wouldn’t be able to do later anyway. He apologized constantly for having to ask me for help, and every time, I said it wasn’t a problem at all, and I helped him.

But as his disease progressed, it did become a problem. DC started needing more help than only one person could give, but he refused to hire a caregiver due to their high cost; he said that, if I were to leave, he would just kill himself, because all his money would dry up from hiring a caregiver anyway, and life wouldn’t be worth it. I asked him for at least some help in times where I wanted to visit my family for the holidays, but he said it was too expensive to hire a caregiver, and he didn’t want to burden his friends or feel embarrassed with them.

So, I became overworked and overwhelmed. I was working full-time and taking care of him full-time. Because I always had to be by DC’s side, I wasn’t able to do things I wanted to do if he didn’t want to do them with me, and he didn’t want to leave the apartment anymore out of embarrassment. I couldn’t see my friends or family, and I could only ever really leave for up to an hour before DC called me telling me he needed help with something or else he might die, like wanting me to adjust the temperature in the room because he was having trouble breathing.

As DC lost more control of his body, he became more controlling over me. He was frustrated when he couldn’t do simple things on his own, and he was frustrated with me when I didn’t understand his instructions to do the things that he wanted to do or if I had different approaches to doing them. In his frustration, DC said harsh things to me, and I tried to keep in mind that he was just depressed and sick; and he was struggling so much because he had always done things by himself, and now he had to rely on others when his communication skills were already lacking from years of always doing things on his own. Coordination and collaboration were hard.

We had talked before about having a child, but as the situation became more demanding of me, I realized that having a child was not a good idea for several reasons. I brought this up to DC, and he was very upset—this was the only thing that he was looking forward to. His own life was over, but he could build a life for someone else, his child, his next of kin. Without that, he had no reason to live.

He began going through the complicated process of Death With Dignity, or medically-assisted suicide, and in the meantime, he refused to eat. For every day for two months, DC was very upset with me, and after so much pressure and seeing him actively try to die because of my opinion, I gave in and just hoped for the best.

We had the baby, and DC was the happiest I’d seen him in years. It was amazing seeing him smile and look forward to things again, but it was also a complicated feeling for me. Taking care of a baby is hard enough for two able-bodied parents, but I was doing most of the work myself while also taking care of my terminally ill husband; I was helping one person who was rapidly losing control of his body and also helping one person who was rapidly gaining control of his body. Oftentimes, one of my hands was on the baby, and the other was on DC. I became more overworked and more overwhelmed.

This pressure eventually led me to a suicide attempt. The police took me to the hospital, where I stayed for a week. When I came back home, things seemed to change for a bit, but then they quickly became exponentially worse, both for DC’s health and for the toxicity of our relationship. I think the prospect of me dying made him very anxious and frightened, and those strong emotions on his weakened body made it even harder for him to function and made everything more demanding for me, too.

It's common for new parents to fight because of clashing opinions over taking care of a baby, but our fights were particularly charged due to the complicated nature of our situation. We blamed each other constantly:

“You’re making too many careless mistakes with the baby.”

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t be making so many mistakes if I could sit down and focus, but instead, I’m rushing everywhere constantly.”

“I tell you to sit down all the time, and you’re the one who doesn’t.”

“I can’t sit down, because I have so much to do, because you won’t hire a caregiver.”

“Caregivers are too expensive—if you want a caregiver, then you hire one.”

“I don’t have money—I gave it all to you, and you spent it all; and I had to quit my job to take care of you and the baby.”

“Are you blaming me for my disease? Do you regret having your own child?”

“That’s not what I said, don’t twist my words!”

The relationship became strained to the point where neither of us was trying to make it work anymore. At this point, DC told me that, when he dies, he wouldn’t leave me any of his money. When I told him that was unfair to both me and his child (especially considering that I quit my job to take care of him and the baby), he said I have always been just after his money. I said that we should separate, and he said that, if I leave, he would hire the best lawyer to make sure that I don’t get custody over our child.

 - THE LAST DAYS -

I knew I had to leave no matter what. I timed my planned escape with his friends coming into town who would be able to take care of him and who would hopefully convince him to move back home to Florida. Over the course of a week, I slowly packed my stuff, and I wrote a detailed plan for the fated day. On that day, a Friday, I tried to make excuses to leave throughout the day, but DC rejected me every time, as had become the custom (at this point, I was only allowed to leave for ~20 minutes every five days to get groceries or food). So, I had to turn to the Last Resort plan of leaving in the middle of the night.

At 3am, I took the baby and left while DC was sleeping. I called 911, and they had the exact reaction that I was dreading, the exact reaction that my biggest critics today have of me: “How can he be abusive if he didn’t hit you?” “Wait, you just left a disabled person all on his own?” It was a terrible reaction to have after six years of trying to convince myself that it was OK for me to leave.

I eventually left without the help of the police, and I finally did what I wanted to do for six years: tell everyone the truth about this relationship. It was awful to always grit my teeth and smile whenever someone said our relationship seemed amazing after looking at my tweets that had oftentimes been written by DC himself. I was finally able to talk about things instead of just writing in my diary and crying all the time.

At this point, I blocked DC online, and I rejected all his calls, so I don’t know too much about what went on on his end other than a few threatening emails he sent to me. I know that he had been taken to the hospital, and when the doctors wouldn’t let him go home until a permanent caregiver came to pick him up, he said, “Don’t worry, Brigid will come back.” But I was over here trying to figure out how to file for a protection order and file for separation as soon as I could.

On Monday, I filed for a protection order to bar communication from DC to me or Daniel Jr. I came back to the apartment on Wednesday with the police to grab the rest of my stuff, and DC’s friends asked us to come back on Saturday when they would be out of the apartment. On Saturday, I woke up to “I’m sorry for your loss” DMs and “You’re a murderer” DMs, and the apartment was empty of all of DC’s stuff, some of my stuff (like my computer), some of our shared stuff (the couch, the TV), and some of the baby’s stuff (the stroller, the ultrasound pictures). I called the police, and they confirmed that DC had passed away and was already buried. The police called DC’s friends, and they said that they had already flown back home.

Later, I received DC’s death certificate, which stated that his cause of death was “ALS,” confirming that he had taken the Death With Dignity drugs (the doctors explained that his disease would be listed for his cause of death rather than “suicide”). The death certificate also said that DC died on Tuesday (May 9), meaning that he was already gone by the time I came to the apartment to get my stuff; his friends had asked for me to come back on Saturday to give them time to throw away/sell/take our stuff and safely fly back to Florida.

There were a lot of things I felt: shock, disbelief, guilt, regret, sadness, anger, and relief from it all finally being over. I can imagine that DC was feeling awful at the end of everything. He could barely move, he was very sick and depressed, he was abandoned by his partner and primary caregiver, and he lost his child—the one thing that was keeping him going. My critics love to bring all this up, and yes, of course, of course I thought about that all after I left—I thought about it even before I left, and I think about it all now. I feel immense guilt from it, especially knowing that he ended his life just after I left.

This is one of the reasons I didn’t leave for so long; because I thought no one would care about my side of the story when the other person is sick and dying, and because I felt guilty about the prospect of leaving. There were a few times when I planned to leave, but at the last minute, I couldn’t do it, because that guilt was too strong. But I tried to remind myself that, ultimately, I left because he threatened to take custody of my child away from me if we separated, and that was an inexcusable threat.

 - THE AFTERMATH -

My main reason for writing this all was to explain what happened from start to finish, and this could be the end of the story for a lot of people. If anyone is interested, I have spent the last month trying to figure out a lot of logistical things that are way more important than fighting off bullies online: housing, income, insurance, food stamps, transportation, childcare, etc. After working very hard, and after a lot of good people’s contributions (thank you, thank you, thank you), I have finally gotten everything in order, and I am ready to start a new chapter in my life.

It’s not perfect—I’m not working a glamorous job, but I do have a job; and the baby is very safe and healthy with childcare, plenty of food, and plenty of energy. I’m in a new place, and I’m surrounded by friends. Every time I’m happy about finally being able to be with friends again, I feel immense guilt afterward for being happy; every time I’m sad about DC’s death, I’m also angry about everything he put me through. It’ll be a long journey of healing and a lot of processing and reprocessing and reprocessing, but I think and I hope I’ll get through this.

Thank you for reading this. If, at the end of this wall of text (sorry), you still think I am a murderer and an awful wife/mother, all right. But I hope that I was able to provide some closure to people who have felt conflicted about everything. And, if anything, I hope that writing this was able to provide some closure for me.

[humansun]

Potato Day! 🥔

Written June 9th, 2023 at 8:19AM

I don’t know where grandma and I stand. We're going back and forth on whether we can trust each other and that answer is most likely no. I also think my mom is worried about me. She offered for me to go to the nail shop today and work.

A part of me is always worried about myself, but now is the time for me to inject as much motivation and purpose into my life. It’s okay to have a dry season, and it’s okay if the people in your life may not fully understand that. Taking a step away from a life you used to live to reflect and understand your purpose again is valid. It’s realignment.

In a way, I am the person I want to be. At the same time, there’s always progress and improvements to be made. I am determined to make sure I better myself each day, whether it is in the treatment of other people or myself. A part of me realized that I have a lot in life recently and I don’t like when things are handed to me. I like to work for things.

It definitely feels good to be handed things, but I think working for it makes me feel like I earned it, and it’s mine to claim. I want to feel that everything I’ve come up with in my head came from a grassroots effort of learning things myself and putting in the time that I did to make the results happen.

This morning’s workout was successful. I’m proud of myself when I get enough rest at night and when I put in all my effort. I’m determined to get into great shape! Exercising my brain's creative side has been challenging, but I participated in a creative activity yesterday that helped out.

Not having an answer to what will happen next in my story may come out of pure brainstorming - listing out 20 potential ideas that sometimes open new doors to other ideas. It’s awesome, letting myself have fun and be free in that exercise. However, something I noticed is that I also have to be well rested and have plenty of energy in order to engage in creative thinking. Otherwise, I get quite sleepy.

Today is potato day. I am treating myself to fried potatoes of any form and boba! It’s exciting when you give yourself something to look forward to. Ahhh! Next to watch has to be Pachinko - Ted Lasso was cool, but there’s something about it that hasn’t hooked me quite hard yet.

The other day I took a walk around Legg Lake for nostalgia purposes, but also because bodies of water are very peaceful to me. Something that caught my eye during my walk was seeing a lone duck make endless ripples in the lake. It reminded me that one person alone can create those ripples, even if we cannot see them in real-time. It’s the same as the quote, pay it forward. I can only hope and try to make those same ripples that duck did!

Determining the genre of content I would like to create is quite challenging. There are an abundance of genres to choose from, let alone explore. Right now, I find sci-fi a fun genre to try out, but at the same time, there are also many that I might be more compatible with if I am to create the content myself.

In life, I think the main relationships I want are people who love and support me. In the past, I would have these expectations of what traits a friend or true friend or best friend should possess, but now, I’ve come to a point where acceptance has played a big role in me loving my friends with a whole heart.

Loving people with a whole heart looks different than loving them conditionally for what they sort of are or can be. I’m happy that getting older comes with acceptance and a contentedness that my early 20s never granted me. As of now, being 25, I want to take advantage of staying healthy and ensuring I have strong foundations for my future. That means staying physically and mentally healthy and building my creative bases as well.

I learned that I am an avoidant person when I do not want to experience pain, failure, or any negative emotion. I cut off friends who hurt me, threaten to break up with my boyfriend, move out of my childhood home, distance myself from coworkers, and cease executing creative ideas in case they won’t be successful. In case. Not because they are not successful.

Now I have all these half-done projects where I haven’t finished any, because I’m sitting with all these projects I started, but never finished. Being a creative person comes with natural obstacles like these, and I am realizing that I must confront them if I want to pursue my specific career path. I am certain I will. I hope I will.

[resistance-squad]

Absolutely. For context, I'm taking "live openly" to mean that I/we get to choose whether or not to tell people about it based only on what we feel comfortable sharing in that moment, without feeling the need to hide it out of fear of what other people might think.

Being able to be authentically myself, as all of my selves, without feeling the need to hide any of it would be... beautiful.

It's not that I'd want to go around advertising it to everybody in the world. There are aspects of it that I would prefer to keep private because of not liking to talk about it or whatever. But to be able to share or not share based solely on my comfort level + what felt appropriate to the situation, not based on a fear of negative reactions? I would love that.

Being able to freely express our opinions and preferences without having to attempt to smooth out the differences between us. Being able to share the ups and downs of it to the extent we're comfortable disclosing. Not needing to worry what assumptions people might make when they notice us "acting differently."

Getting to be truly, authentically known as ourselves. In our real, non-ideal world, that idea is kind of terrifying... but in an ideal world where no one would judge us or take advantage of us, I think that would be really nice, actually.

I didn't used to think that was something I wanted, but it's something that has kind of unfolded naturally with my best friend and it feels so... genuine and safe to be around her now that I don't have to hide anything. I can still tell her, "I'd rather not say who I am right now, actually," or, "To be honest I'm not really grounded enough to know who I am right now." But we've given her permission to ask who's fronting because usually, it actually feels really reassuring to get to be ourselves with her, whatever that might look like in the moment. There's no need to hide our differing preferences, perspectives, skill levels in certain things, body language, speech patterns, etc.

I get that some people might feel uncomfortable with not knowing what to expect as far as who's fronting and stuff. To me, having an ideal world where it's safe to live openly as a system doesn't mean every single person is obligated to feel comfortable being friends with a system (let alone any individual system). It just means that it could be viewed just like any other situation where people discover they aren't actually compatible as friends, and that the reason for that isn't because they're worried about some horror movie stereotype or something.

Fuck it. In an ideal world, would you want to live openly as a system, why or why not?

[banditthewriter]

Compatible - Billy Russo - 1

Summary: Compatible is a program where applicants live in a secluded neighborhood for a year and spend each month with someone the algorithm says you are compatible with. At the end of a year, the program will tell you who you are most compatible with. The reader joins the neighborhood with an open heart and open mind, hoping to find someone. Loosely based on the Black Mirror episode Hang The DJ S04E04.

*gif is mine*

I hope you enjoy!

---

Month One

—

The bag on your bed was basically full but you still shoved another t-shirt in. There was a limit on the amount of bags but that didn’t limit how much stuff you could put in the bags. You had every intention of packing them to the brim if at all possible.

“I still can’t believe you’re doing this,” your best friend Karen said as she handed you a rolled up pair of jeans. “You realize we won’t see each other for a year. A whole year.”

You rolled your eyes as you shoved the jeans in with everything else.

“We can still video each other and everything. It’s not like I’m disappearing to another planet. I’ll just be an hour down the road.”

She snorted at that as she leaned against the door and crossed her arms over her chest.

“An hour down the road in a walled community with limited access to the outside world.”

You zipped the bag, but just barely. Satisfied that both of your large suitcases were as full as possible, you grabbed your toiletry bag and walked into the bathroom.

“Connections with the outside world could influence the algorithm. Hard to find your perfect match if you’re always texting memes to people.”

Karen moved so she could see you in the reflection of the mirror.

“It’s hard to find your perfect match from blind dating on steroids.”

“We’re never going to agree on this.”

The phone buzzed in your pocket and you pulled it out to check the time. Twenty minutes before the car would be there. 

“Listen, I know that Compatible is a legit company. Trust me, I looked into them a lot before I signed. Is it a little weird, sure, but…I want to do this.”

She came around and approached you in the bathroom.

“I’ll try to stop worrying. I just want you to be happy.”

You smiled and wrapped her in a hug.

“I know you do.”

With the air a little clearer, Karen helped you pack up your bathroom. The two of you had already emptied your fridge and freezer and cabinets of anything that might spoil in the year. The company negotiated with landlords so that rent could be frozen but that you wouldn’t get evicted while you lived in their neighborhood.

The car pulled up right on time as the two of you got to the curb. Another hug and you were ushered into the car by the driver. Karen waved, anxiety and forced excitement clear on her face. You waved back just in time for the car to pull away and start moving.

You still couldn’t believe you were doing this. When the ad for Compatible came up, you’d thought it was a joke. The more you looked into them, the more research you did, the more you started to come around to the idea. And then one night after another failed date, you entered in your information and applied.

The questionnaire that you received was nearly 300 questions long. It took you three days to fill it out. Then a week later you got your invite for the closest Compatible neighborhood. 

These neighborhoods existed all over the country. In fact you were pretty sure they had branched out to other countries now. And on every website were links to reviews that came from third party sites as a way to show transparency. Not all of the reviews were favorable, some people had done the year in a neighborhood and left just as alone as they started out. It wasn’t like you were promised a wedding ring and a happily ever after by the end of it. Compatible just promised that you would be matched with the people you were most compatible with. Chemistry and attraction were still things the algorithm couldn’t predict…yet.

You flipped open the packet that you had received in the mail and pulled out the timeline. For the next 12 months, you were going to be in the neighborhood with 35 other people. Each month you’d move into a different house in the neighborhood and live with someone that was deemed as compatible with you. After a month, you’d pack your stuff and move to the next house to live with the next person. At the end of the year, the system would set you up with the person you were most compatible with and you’d have a week long vacation with them fully paid for by the company.

From there it would be up to the participants to decide if they wanted to pursue an actual relationship or not. 

In the packet there was a large map of the neighborhood. There were nearly fifty houses that everyone would be cycled through randomly, all of them set up exactly the same on the inside to foster familiarity. And of course there were other businesses because no one was allowed to leave the neighborhood except for extenuating circumstances.

You looked over at the list of businesses. There was a mall that had all kinds of stores, a list of restaurants that honestly surprised you, movie theaters, parks, and book stores. There were two gas stations at either end of the neighborhood, but you knew that wasn’t necessarily for the participants. Cars were not allowed for the individuals but the people that ran the company had some for transport like what you were in right then.

Although not on the map, you knew that outside of the neighborhood would be a police station and a fire station. Neighborhoods were built near these hubs for protection because while they didn’t have them in the neighborhood, they needed to be nearby just in case something went wrong. 

Everyone was screened heavily before they were approved to come to the neighborhood, but nothing was foolproof. 

There was still a little while before you got to the neighborhood so you pulled the palm sized tablet from your purse. It was the size of a phone but it didn’t operate the same way. This was your key to the neighborhood and would unlock the houses you were assigned to throughout the year. It was also your connection to the system and would randomly ask you questions so that it could calculate compatibility. It also had a feature that would let you chat with your match but that icon was dark at the moment. Guess you had to meet them first.

What would the people in the neighborhood be like? The compatibility levels would differ of course, but there were 35 people that you had a chance to meet. You’d only end up actually being matched with 12 of those, but it still meant pretty good odds.

You weren’t sure that you expected to leave this year with the love of your life, but you weren’t going to give up hope. You were a closet romantic, yearned for a love like your parents had, and dating hadn’t given you that opportunity. You thought that maybe starting with something basic like a computer generated compatibility algorithm might help that.

Of course your parents thought you were crazy. Well, your mom did. Your dad had told you to keep an open heart and an open mind for the year. And you knew how Karen felt about the situation.

Thankfully your work was understanding and would allow you to keep working from the neighborhood. You’d read some reviews where people lost their jobs during that year, but it was mostly marketed towards people that could either afford that or who were willing to make that sacrifice. 

The website also said they were working on some less involved versions for people who did not have the luxury of up-ending their lives for a year. That sounded more like speed dating or Tinder than you were comfortable with so you were glad that you could take this chance. 

The car seemed to slow down and you looked through the windshield. The scenery changed from dense trees to a large concrete wall. Straight ahead was a large chrome gate and a little gate house. Your driver cleared his throat as he slowed down some more.

“Please present your pad to the guard at the gate,” he said in a monotone voice. 

Since it was already in your hand, you merely reached over to unroll the window and held it out once the car stopped. The guard plugged the pad into a larger one that he held. After a moment he looked up at you and then back down. Then he had you give him your name and date of birth.

“Alright, here you go. You’ll be starting off in house number sixteen. Welcome to Compatibile.”

With that he handed you back your pad. You sat back in the seat as the driver went through the now open gates. Your mouth dropped open at the sight of the neighborhood in front of you. It looked more amazing than you had imagined possible.

There were other cars on the road, stopping in front of various houses. The houses were spread pretty far apart with trees lined between them to offer privacy. 

The drive pulled into one of the parking spaces in front of a house with the number sixteen above the door. You felt a thrill go through me as you stared at it. You reached out for the handle but your driver cleared his throat again.

“Have to wait for the other person. Both of you have to be together to open the house for the first time.”

That thrill seemed to spread over you even more. This was it. You were about to meet your first match. This was really happening. And as every black car came around the corner and continued past the house, you felt even more excitement go through you.

And then a car pulled up beside yours. The windows were tinted enough that you couldn’t really see inside, but it didn’t matter. Your door was opened by your driver who you hadn’t even noticed had left. Then you watched as the other car door was opened as well and someone stepped out.

Holy. Shit. The man was incredibly attractive. Facial hair perfectly trimmed, dark hair slicked back off of his face, dark eyes that roamed over the yard and then went to the car you were in.

You quickly checked your reflection in the blank screen of your pad before you slid out of the seat. You were getting out on the side furthest from your match so you breathed to steel your nerves before you walked around the car. The man who had gotten out of the car beside yours followed suit. By unspoken agreement you both headed towards the house.

“Uh, hi. I guess we should introduce ourselves,” you said a little unsurely. 

The man opened his mouth to respond, but your driver interrupted as he pointed at something beside the door. It looked like some sort of touch pad. When you approached, it lit up. To each side was a white square just big enough for you to place your pad. The other driver explained that you needed to tap the receiving end of your pad to the square for it to sync so both of you did just that.

After a second the screen flashed white. Then the word “Welcome” flashed for a few moments before you saw your name.

Not just your name, but your match’s too. Billy Russo.

“Nice to meet you Billy,” you said with a smile.

He repeated it back to you with a matching smile. Your drivers then started to carry your luggage towards the porch so Billy reached out and turned the doorknob to open the door for you and for them. He gestured for you to go in first and you smiled again before you quickly stepped into the house.

It wasn’t overly large, but it would just be two of you here for a month so you didn’t need too much room. There was a couch in front of a large screen television, a window seat that faced into the backyard which seemed to have a bench and table out in the garden. There was a small dining area separated from the kitchen with a breakfast bar and stools. All of the appliances were metal and shined brightly in the natural light provided by the windows. There were a few doors that were closed so you weren’t sure what they all lead to, but you didn’t have time to wonder as your bags were dropped off in the living room.

Your driver handed you a set of keys. 

“This is for the cart in the garage so that the two of you can move around the neighborhood freely. If you need a car for anything including bad weather, you can call for one on your pad. As soon as you both get settled, turn the television on and it’ll give you a brief orientation. If you have any questions, your pad will connect you with the service techs.”

Without much of a goodbye, both of the drivers turned to leave. You looked over at Billy who was shaking his head.

“That’s more than my driver said to me,” he said with a laugh.

Then you realized that it was just you and Billy in the house that you would both share for a month. You could see that he was looking at you but you couldn’t meet his eyes. Instead you started towards the closed doors to the side.

The first door led to a garage that had the washer and dryer. It also had a very expensive golf cart that the driver had mentioned. You closed the door and went to the next door. There was a bathroom with a toilet, sink, and standing shower. You opened the next door and saw a bedroom. The bed looked to be a double, everything in muted colors. Your heart started to race as you stared at the bed until you heard Billy call your name. You turned to see that he had opened the door next to the one you were at and showed another bedroom.

Oh thank god. 

The last door was another bathroom, this time with a jacuzzi type tub. You made a mental note to take a soak in that at some point. Then you turned back to Billy who was inspecting the different foods in the fridge and pantry.

“So, do you want the left or right bedroom?”

He looked over at you and raised an eyebrow.

“Lady’s choice.”

You smiled and ducked your head down from meeting his eyes. You walked over to the living room and grabbed your bags. He came behind you to pick up the last bag for you. He gestured for you to go first and you led him over to the bedroom that you had opened. You put the bags on the bed and he placed your last bag next to the dresser. 

“That’ll be interesting,” he said with a gesture up towards the ceiling. 

A skylight. At least it wasn’t a mirror, you thought with a giggle.

“At least it isn’t a mirror,” Billy said with a laugh, echoing your thoughts exactly. Then he pointed towards the door. “I’m going to put my stuff in the other room. Meet in the living room in twenty minutes so we can watch the orientation video?”

You agreed easily and then, after the slightest hesitation from Billy, you were alone. You heaved out a sigh as you started to unpack a bit. There were hangers provided so you hung up the clothes that needed to be hung up. Then you put the rest in the dresser. You had a bag of toiletries but you didn’t touch that just yet. Then you looked around the room and felt your stomach flip.

For a second you’d thought that you’d have to share the bedroom with Billy. That would be one way to figure out compatibility, sure, but it wasn’t something you would have been comfortable with on day one. 

Granted he was incredibly attractive. Maybe you’d get over that little hangup before the month ended.

You checked the charger next to the bed and saw it was for the pad. You plugged in one for your phone. Then you opened the drawer next to the bed and almost gasped. Condoms. They actually supplied condoms on the first night? Who slept with a complete stranger the first night they were supposed to live together?

You pushed the box to the back of the drawer and closed it again.

About twenty minutes after the two of you started to get settled in, you moved into the living room. Billy had just gotten there himself. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table and used it to gesture to the couch. Both of you sat down on the far ends, a cushion of space between you. He turned the television on but was saved from figuring out what to do next when the orientation video started up immediately.

A woman welcomed you both to Compatible’s New York neighborhood. She went over the same stuff that was in the packet, but you paid attention just to keep from looking at the man next to you. An overlay of the neighborhood map came up and she pointed out each business and explained that while there were some people that worked there, mostly they were automated since nothing cost money in the neighborhood.

“While you are encouraged to feel free to interact with the other occupants of the neighborhood, we do urge you to remember to spend time with your current match.”

She talked a little bit more about the neighborhood and the house before she held up a pad. 

“This is your lifeline here in the neighborhood. A few times a day you’ll get questions, either directly regarding your experience with your current match or just general questions. These will help the system calculate your final compatibility at the end of the month. Remember that you can use your pad to keep in contact with your match if you are doing your own things. Plus it has other functions as well.”

She laid out what each icon did. There was the chatting app which was now lit up on your screen, the app that would pose questions, the app that connected you to the system if you had issues or needed to call a car. There were regular apps like calculator and camera and a calendar that only showed the month you were in.

Then there was an app that didn’t have a name. The icon was just a percentage sign and it hadn’t been on the screen when you first turned it on. It must have synced when you go to the house. 

The woman explained that it would list your compatibility with your match, but there was a catch.

“This app can only be accessed on the first day of the month and the last day. It is completely up to each of you if you even want to check the percentage of compatibility, but know that you are more than welcome to. Just remember that it will disappear at midnight of your first night in the house. It comes back at midnight on the last day of the month and is only available until noon when you will be switched over to the next match.”

After a few more details about the neighborhood, including a few gatherings that were open to everyone in the neighborhood like block parties, the woman seemed to wrap up the introduction.

“We hope you have a wonderful stay here. Welcome to Compatible.”

The screen dimmed and then a guide appeared for different movies and shows. Billy had already put the remote down but he didn’t pick it back up yet. Instead he turned to face you and held his pad up.

“Want to check?”

Did you? Would it help to know what percentage you were compatible with this man? Or would that give you both some undue stress for the month?

In the end, curiosity won out. You raised your pad and both of you hovered over the icon. As one you both clicked on your respective pads.

The screen lit up with both of your names and a blank circle in the middle. After a minute a bunch of numbers started to rotate in the middle as if it was some sort of slot machine. Then it slowed and stopped.

83%. You and Billy were 83% compatible. 

“Well, I guess that will make this next month easier,” he said in awe as he stared down at the number on the pad.

“Yea, I guess so,” you offered softly. Then you laughed and put your pad down. “It’s weird, isn’t it? I mean, we both know why we’re here. It’s like a semi-permanent tinder date.”

That made Billy laugh, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he did. 

“I guess we just gotta get to know each other. That will take away some of the awkwardness.”

You smiled and turned to face him a bit more. 

“Okay. Who wants to go first?”

— 

By the time you and Billy had come to a comfortable stopping point in getting to know each other, the sun was nearly completely set. The clock on the mantle said it was nearly seven in the evening and since you both had entered the house around noon, that was almost seven hours of talking.

And yet it felt like it had been only thirty minutes. You told Billy so much about your life and in return, he told you about his. What had first been a rather perfunctory exchange of details turned into so much more as you told Billy about an accident you were in as a kid and he told you about growing up in the system. Then came you telling him about an ex that you’d had a bad relationship with and he told you about his time in the Marines. You talked about your parents and your best friend Karen and he told you about the man who became a brother to him in the Marines and how he’d been close to his family before an accident left the man alone.

“I don’t think I’ve ever talked this much on a first date,” Billy said with a grin. Then he laughed as his stomach let out a grumble. “Think we should hit pause and see what we can make for our first dinner here. What do you say?”

He stood up and held his hand out to you to help you up. You didn’t even hesitate before you put your hand in his. He smiled and lifted you up easily, giving you a spin before he ushered you towards the kitchen.

“Any allergies I need to know about? Foods that you don’t like?”

You started to open cabinets to peer into them.

“No allergies, don’t like stuff that’s slimy. That’s basically it for me. What about you?”

Billy grabbed some pasta and a can of tomato sauce. He went around you to the fridge where he pulled out a pack of hamburger meat that was in there.

“No allergies thankfully. As for foods I don’t like, as long as you aren’t trying to feed me MREs, I’ll eat just about anything.”

You smiled as you started to fill a pot with water for the noodles.

“I think we’ll get along just fine then because I love to cook.”

The two of you worked on dinner together, moving around each other easily. When you offered a spoonful of the sauce to him, he smacked his lips a little before he handed you a small container of sugar that he’d found. You agreed and sprinkled a pinch into the sauce. After it simmered a bit, you tasted it again and smiled. It was perfect.

Dinner was the two of you on the couch with a movie in the background. This conversation was lighter, both of you talking about your favorite meals. That led into talking about the worst meals you’d ever made and you had to admit, laughing with Billy was the easiest thing you’d ever done.

After the food was gone and dishes were done, it was nearly ten at night. You didn’t want the night to end, wanted to find more to talk about, and it seemed Billy felt the same because he kept giving you both new topics to talk about. But after you both started to yawn, you knew it was only time before you had to go to sleep.

“Is it weird that I don’t want to stop talking to you?”

You smiled as you propped your head up on your arm to stare at Billy.

“I was just thinking the same thing,” you said with another yawn. He smiled and then nudged your knee with his.

“Alright, we should call it a night. I mean, it’s not like we’re going anywhere anytime soon.”

That was true. You didn’t want the night to end, but the truth was that you had a month of nights like this one. With that in mind, you stood up. When you swayed a bit, Billy reached out to steady you. You laughed and then went around to turn off the lights. The door locked automatically so you didn’t worry about that. You went into your room and grabbed your bag of toiletries. Billy had done the same and headed into the bathroom nearest his room. You went into the bathroom next to your bedroom, the one with the standing shower. You brushed your teeth and washed your face. Then you left your bag on the sink to unpack in the morning.

Out of the bathroom, you saw Billy hovering a bit near his door. You walked over to him and smiled, tired but content. He laughed and held his hand out to you.

“Goodnight,” he said, your name on his lips soft and sweet. 

“Goodnight Billy,” you repeated with a soft smile as you shook his hand.

In your room with the door shut, you changed into some pajamas and quickly slipped under the covers. You stared up through the skylight at the stars. With the neighborhood so far from the city lights, the sky was clear and the stars were bright. You yawned, your body stretching languidly under the covers. Beside your bed was your phone. You texted Karen to let her know you were there safe, apologizing for not letting her know earlier. You also told her you’d tell her more in the morning. 

Then you reached out for your pad that you’d placed on the bedside charger. There was a notification on one of the apps so you opened it up. It was a question from the Compatible app.

What was your first impression of your match?

Your fingers hovered over the keyboard for a long moment before you typed something out.

I was impressed. He seems like a great guy and I think we have a lot in common. I look forward to our month together.

On the main screen, you looked at the percentage app just in time for it to go dark. The screen said it had just turned midnight so it was inaccessible. Not that you needed to open it again to remember what the percentage had been.

If this was 83% compatible, you had to think you’d never been more than maybe 50% compatible with any of your exes. Because this? This was unlike anything you’d ever felt before and it had only been twelve hours.

—

You woke to a chime that didn’t sound like your phone. You looked at the charging dock and saw that your pad was lit up. You pulled it off and tapped on an icon that was blinking. It was the messenger app. 

Billy: Went for a run. Didn’t want you to wake up and think I disappeared.

A grin was on your lips before you had finished reading. The pad said it was seven in the morning and while you normally would be grumpy that you’d been woken before work, you remembered that you technically can work whenever you want now. And also because of how you were woken up.

You: Have a good run. I’m still asleep.

With the pad on your bed, you grabbed your cell phone. Messages from your parents asking how things were going were replied to with fairly generic responses. An inquiring text from Karen right after she would have woken up was responded to quickly as you told her that your first match was, seemingly, a great guy and things were going very well.

After that was sent, you heard the chime again. You picked up your pad and laughed when you saw what Billy had said this time.

Billy: Your spelling is pretty good for someone that’s asleep.

Was he texting while running? You laughed and tucked your face into your pillow to avoid the nerves that came from that image. Then you got up and stretched. With some clothes in hand, you went to the bathroom you had claimed as yours. 

The water pressure was pretty great. You set out your things after you washed up and went about your usual morning routine. You tried not to think about Billy and instead just focused on what you were doing. 

Showered, dressed, and prepped for the day, you deposited your night clothes into the hamper with your clothes from the day before. You checked your pad for another message but there wasn’t one. Then you checked your phone which had a text from Karen telling you to give her the deets as soon as you could. 

Instead of replying, you went into the kitchen. Billy’s bedroom door was open and so was the bathroom, so he still wasn’t home. You went into the kitchen and started to get out the things you’d need to make breakfast. While you did that, you went over to the speakers and plugged your phone in. You shuffled your music until you found something you wanted to listen to and turned it up just loud enough to make you dance a bit while you cooked.

Just as you were putting the food onto the breakfast bar, the front door opened. Billy looked up and blinked at the sight of you buttering pancakes and putting down diced fruit. He smiled at you as he raised the hem of his shirt to wipe his face, giving you a look at his abs and chest.

You were just glad you didn’t drop the dish you were holding. Instead you cleared your throat and pointed at the other bathroom.

“Go take a shower, I’ll make sure everything stays warm for you.”

He came in and grabbed a piece of cantaloupe. He popped it between his lips and smiled at you as he bit down on it.

“Looks like you weren’t as asleep as you made me believe,” he joked as he went around the table to go into the bathroom.

You didn’t even think about the fact that he didn’t have clothes with him until about fifteen minutes later when he came out with a towel around his waist. He looked a little sheepish as he grinned at you again before he disappeared into his bedroom to change. 

You discretely fanned yourself and then chuckled. It was somehow awkward and yet comfortable between the two of you. You could only imagine how it’d be in a few weeks of living together.

—

The days started to melt together. You’d wake up to a message from Billy telling you he was going for a run and you’d shower and start breakfast. Then the two of you would get on your laptops and work. You did editing for a newspaper and he ran his own security firm. Sometimes you’d call or video chat with Karen or your parents. Sometimes you heard him talking to someone on the phone in the other room, either employees or the friend that he mentioned sometimes.

Lunch wasn’t always spent together, but sometimes you both took time from work to eat together. And even when you were working, the two of you often ended up talking as well.

Dinner was a different affair. Most days the two of you cooked, but sometimes you’d go out to one of the many restaurants in the neighborhood. Either way, you and Billy would often talk for hours after the meal was done.

The first block party was at the beginning of the second week. The setup was near the pond and bridge that was on the other side of the neighborhood. You saw some people traveling in the carts but you and Billy just walked.

There were a lot of people, but that made sense. There were 36 people in the neighborhood. A few introduced themselves to you both, friendly conversations sparking up here and there as music played from somewhere and food was dished out from various sources. 

You noticed quite a few of the women eyeing Billy as the two of you made your way around the group. For his part, Billy didn’t seem to notice any of them. If they got a little too friendly or bold while talking to him, he always either directed the conversation to you or would gesture for the two of you to walk away. You got a feeling that while he knew what he looked like and probably had used it to his advantage before, he wasn’t actively trying. 

One thing you did notice was that any time one of the guys in the neighborhood sent a little too much attention to you, Billy would put his hand on your arm or over your shoulders and guide you to something that you just ‘had to see’ on the other side of the block.

On the way back to the house, you bumped shoulders with Billy a few times as you talked about a party your parents had thrown that had gotten shut down by the cops, both of you laughing as you described your dad standing in the driveway with half an eyebrow and the burnt out firework in his hand. Then Billy bumped into your shoulder before the back of his hand brushed against yours.

You peered up at him and then back down quickly as you switched to explaining your mom’s reaction to her prized zucchini being eaten by a goat that someone had brought. 

“She was so–” your words trailed off as Billy’s fingers wrapped around yours. Then you smiled and continued, “She was so angry she didn’t speak to dad for two days. Which is probably the longest they have ever gone without speaking.”

The rest of the walk was spent with Billy asking follow up questions as the two of you held hands.

—

The crash of thunder made you sit upright. Lightning flashed through your room, the skylight magnifying everything. You hadn’t heard the storm roll in, but it seemed like it had settled right over your neighborhood. You started to lean back in bed, but another crack of thunder made you squeal and jump.

A moment later, your pad chimed.

Billy: Are you okay? I thought I heard a noise.

You grabbed it with shaking hands to respond.

You: Surprised you could hear anything over this storm. Yea, just got scared and maybe squealed like a little girl.

A few minutes later there was a knock at your door. You blinked a few times before another crack of thunder made you jump up. You opened the door and peered out. Lightning lit up Billy who stood on the other side of the door, his pad in hand.

“Thought you might like some company?”

You laughed a little nervously and opened the door wider. Maybe you should have joined him in the living room, a neutral place, but right then you just wanted him to come inside the room. He did, shutting the door behind him. Then he led you over to the bed. While you got in, he pulled the curtains over the window in your room. 

A brief hesitation came over him as he came to the bed but you just lifted up the covers and ushered him in. He slid in right beside you. You put your pad back on the charger and he placed his on the table on his side. He then laid down on his side so he could face you. You propped your head up and faced him.

“Feeling a little embarrassed. I should be too old to be scared of storms.”

He shook his head. His freehand came up and brushed against your shoulder. Then his fingers moved down the length of your arm to your hand. You easily wrapped your fingers around his.

“Let me tell you about this time in high school when I stole the principal’s car. He’d tried to have me suspended a few times and I was holding a grudge.”

Billy’s voice didn’t completely drown out the storm, but you found that it didn’t matter. When he was speaking, you couldn’t hear anything else.

—

Not every night, but a few nights a week you’d get a message about twenty or so minutes after both you and Billy had gone to bed. It would be just a question mark. The first time it’d happened, you’d gone to his room to ask if everything was okay. It ended with you in bed with him, mirroring each other as you both talked until one or both of you fell asleep. Since then, he’d send the question mark and either you’d go to his room or you’d reply with an exclamation mark and he’d come to your room. 

Neither of you put it to words, but for you, you just liked having someone to talk to in your most vulnerable moment before sleep. And falling asleep next to someone was soothing for you. Of course that made you remember the first day when you’d seen the double bed and had been almost scared at the thought of sleeping next to a stranger.

Except Billy wasn’t a stranger anymore. 

And it seemed he felt the same way.

—

Billy had been terse all day. You tried to give him his space, but there was only so far that you could in the small house. So you went out to the backyard. You had your pad with you, but you pulled your phone out instead. 

Karen’s face lit up the screen a few moments later when she accepted the video call. She smiled and started to say something, but she hesitated when she saw your face.

“What’s wrong?”

You shrugged and looked past your phone to the back of the house.

“I don’t know. Billy seems...I’m not sure. Something just seems wrong.”

“Well people have bad days. You can’t expect someone to be happy all the time, can you?”

No, and you didn’t. You were living in each other’s back pockets so yea, you’d both seen each other’s moods change. But this seemed to come out of nowhere.

“You said he had a stressful job, right? Maybe it has something to do with that.”

Which was a good point, except…he hadn’t been on his laptop or his cell phone when you noticed the change. He had been on his pad fiddling with something and then…then he just changed. You relayed this to Karen and she made a thoughtful noise.

“Maybe it was one of the questions? Have you checked yours today?”

You had and the question was about movie choices. You and Billy had compared and found out that most of the questions were the same for both of you, but not always. It was possible his question was different, but usually general ones like this were the same.

“And there’s nothing else on those things, right? Not like social media or email?”

You shook your head as you turned your pad over.

“No, nothing like that. There’s the service app, the chatting app, the question app. And then the stuff that’s normal, calculator and camera and calendar.”

Your finger had hovered over each app as you said them, but you accidentally touched the calendar app. It opened up and you looked down to see that there were only three more days of the month.

Time had flown by so fast that you hadn’t realized the month was already ending. Three days and then you’d need to be out of this house and into a car so it could be cleaned. You’d be shuttled to the next house where you’d meet your next match.

You heard your name softly from your phone and you looked up to see that Karen was watching you. Her eyes showed sympathy.

“The month is almost over.”

You swallowed and looked back down at the calendar. It had notes that you’d made throughout the month about dinner plans or things you needed to get from the store. And now just three days until the end of the month.

“Yea, but that’s…that’s the point of Compatible. One month with each match.”

“And who knows, maybe your next match will be someone you feel even more connected to.”

You thought about that and felt your stomach turn. Something told you that it would be hard to find anyone that you felt more connected to than Billy.

“Yea, maybe,” you said instead.

—

A hand brushed against your cheek. You wrinkled your nose but didn’t bat the hand away. It came again, tweaking at your nose. Your eyes sprang open and you found yourself staring at a smiling Billy. Except the smile looked…sad.

You turned your head to look at the pad next to your bed. It functioned as an alarm clock and right then it said it was seven in the morning.

“Going for a run?” you asked softly as you turned to look back at Billy. The two of you had been up until almost three talking last night so you couldn’t imagine how he’d go for a run, but he ran almost every morning.

“No, not this morning.”

There was something in his voice and it took you a moment to realize what he meant. Not this morning because this was it. The month end. The two of you had until 11:30 to get your stuff packed and ready to be picked up. At noon exactly, you’d get into a car and be shuttled to your next match.

You had packed the night before except for the clothes you were going to change into. Those were on your dresser waiting for you. 

“I wanna check,” he said as he grabbed his pad. 

He didn’t specify what he wanted to check but you didn’t need him to. You knew just what he meant right then. He wanted to check the percentage of your compatibility. It was 83% to start with, but what was it now?

You rolled over and grabbed your pad. Then you rolled back to him. You both navigated to the now lit up percentage icon. As one, you each tapped on the icon.

Your names appeared and the slot machine began to spin. And moments later it settled. 

89%. You’d gone up six percent in the last month. You felt something dip low in your stomach as you stared at the number. It didn’t seem like enough, not for everything the two of you had gone through in the last month. It should have gone up ten percent, twenty percent. The spinning should have exploded because the two of you were the most compatible match ever and this was it, the two of you could just leave because you’d already found your perfect match.

But that wasn’t how it worked. You sighed and looked up to find that Billy was already looking at you.

“It’s been a great month.”

You swallowed as you noticed that his eyes darted down to your lips when you spoke. He swayed a bit, almost like he was going to…

Then he pulled back. A moment later he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of your bed.

“It was a good month. Just eleven more, right?”

And with that, he got up and walked out of your room. You started to call out to him, but you stopped yourself as you realized you didn’t really have anything to say. He was right, eleven more. It was obvious the two of you had become close, but this was a year long thing. 

Who knows, maybe at the end of the year Billy would be your best match. Maybe you’d get another week with him in a remote place. Maybe…

You got up and grabbed your clothes. You were going to take a shower and get ready.Then you’d make breakfast for the two of you for the last time.

—

When you stepped out of the shower, the house felt…different. Billy wasn’t anywhere to be seen. You grabbed your pad and checked but there weren’t any messages. You poked your head in Billy’s room and saw that the closet was open. Open and empty. The pieces of him that were usually in there, his laptop and watch and phone, were gone. You rushed to his bathroom but it was empty as well. 

You went to the front door and opened it up in time to see a black car back out of the driveway. You wrapped an arm around your stomach as you watched it drive off to the right, disappearing around the turn. 

He left without saying goodbye.

X

Thank you for reading part one!