#feeling frustrated with myself in this chilis tonight

[felixvanhuss]

If I could stop fucking up social interactions and make some friends that would be great, actually

[fraugwinska]

Could you do a backstory to Hard Day? Like, how Al decided to give up control, and the first time it happened 🥺🙏

Ummm... well, I may have gotten myself a bit lost in this one :D Idk, It's gotten quite out of hand, 2,5 k words... but...um yeah :D Praying you like it :> Attention - we cook with Chili, not salt today! (MDNI)

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

The hardest Day

„That's so unrealistic! I mean, in what world would a lion eat bugs instead of the fucking fat juicy PIG?!“

„It's a kids movie, asshole, shut up!“

The gang was sprawled out in front of the TV, blankets and popcorn everywhere. Charlie got her hands on a rare copy of 'The Lion King', and invited everyone to a 'nice, unproblematic, quiet' movie night. She didn't account for Angel's constant commentary, Husk's annoyed retorts to him or Niffty's gleeful giggling at the most unfitting scenes. Vaggie, frustrated by them, started adding to the chaos, sending scolding remarks in intervals at either of them, while Charlie tried to mediate in between songs – which she always sang along with.

You, however, were highly entertained – even though you didn't catch anything from the movie, just watching them was amusing enough. The only one missing was Alastor, who had 'business to attend' and was gone since breakfast ended.

He would've hated it anyway, you knew he had no interest in movies, let alone modern ones, and group activities like these were often straining on his patience. Although getting in the hotel last, you were the one who grew the closest to him. Why? You couldn't say definitively. Maybe it was because you never took his veiled jabs by heart. Maybe because you didn't treat him the way the others wanted you to – with care, with ignorance, with suspicion; but instead with respect, an open mind and without judgment. Maybe it was because you could challenge him – discussions about books you both read could last hours, with points given to either side equally – no winner, no loser, both richer.

You liked Alastor. Really liked him. You also had a silly, little crush on him, for a while now, but you kept that to yourself, nothing going further than a few flirtatious moments 'in good fun', calling each other 'doe' and 'buck' with a laugh. A joke between friends. Friendship, you decided, was enough for you, if it was for him.

The entrance doors slammed suddenly, making you all jump in your seats. Alastor stood at the door, looking... different. Stressed? You cocked a brow when you saw his eye twitch, while he sauntered over to the group.

„Al, do you want to join us? We're watching a movie!“, Charlie said absent-mindedly, her eyes glued to the scene of 'Can you feel the love tonight'.

Alastor gave the TV set a judgmental smile and waved his hand. „Tempting, but it has been a rather hard day, I'll just take a drink and retreat to my room, dear.“ He left the group and went to the bar, your pair of eyes the only one following him. Something was NOT right. His smile was tight, his eyes wider than usual, his movements almost jagged instead of fluid. Niffty had jumped to the bar too, insisting on helping Alastor by retrieving a glass for his whiskey from one the higher shelves. In her eagerness to climb and get it, she didn't watch her steps careful enough, resulting in a few delicate wine glasses sliding from the shelfves and breaking into a hundred tiny pieces. Alastor's reaction was as unexpected as it was worrying – he always had a soft spot for Niffty, laughing over her antics and chaotic energy, often encouraging her even to produce more mayhem. This time, however, he started to scold the maid, who blinked at him with a big, guilty eye and trembling lips.

„Such indignation, really Niffty. Clean the shards at once, and try not to remain to be such a clumsy clot.“, he almost hissed, grabbing the bottle and a simple crystal glass before striding away hastily. Your eyes followed his figure until he turned the corner to the staircase, then you got up and comforted the little demon, helping her sweeping up the glass pieces while she sniffeled tears away.

You let your gaze swipe over the group, completely ignorant about what happened with Niffty, and Alastor. Ignorant of the blatantly obvious bad mood of the deer demon.

Turning to Charlie, you whispered to her that you had a headache and would be going to bed, to which she just nodded. No one acknowledged your leave, all eyes on the screen and still bickering noisily. A bunch of friends, you are, you thought annoyed with a shaking head.

Three flights of stairs later, you reached Alastor's room. You pressed your ear to the door, and heard dull bangs, like something was thrown, and a muffled voice. You knocked, and the room instantly stilled.

„Alastor, it's me.“, you said loudly, brows furrowed. „Are you okay?“

A few seconds of silence. „I'm just fine and dandy my dear.“

You put one hand on the door. He normally would open it, to speak with you directly, face uncomfortably close to face, just the way he liked it. But it stayed close.

„You didn't look fine.“, you stated. You were ever so stubborn.

„Well, I am fine. Now shoo, darling, good night.“

You stood in front of the wooden divider, contemplating. You could just go. Leave him be, wait until tomorrow. See if he would talk to you then. But then, there was your gut. And it told you Alastor wasn't well. And that just didn't sit right with you.

„Alastor. Please, let me in.“

No response, just hint of the prickling feeling of static electricity on your skin.

„I know something is bothering you, and I'm worried.“

No response. You breathe in and out.

„I'm not going anywhere until you open the...“

The door flew open, a hand wrapped around your arm and pulled you into the room, violently. You stumbled and fell against a bookshelf, catching the fall with your hands to keep you upright. You heard a slam and a click – door closed, door locked. The static was everywhere now, flushing in waves over your body. You turned around -

Alastor was pacing like a wounded animal, he seemed fluffed up, as if every hair on his body had decided to stand up. His scleras were dark pits, blackest black, and in it his irises burned angrily in crimson flames, now focusing solely on you. The prey.

„So you came to test my patience too, dear?“, he snarled, his voice so distorted it ached in your ears. „It's not enough that that waste of cables destroyed two of my radio towers. Not enough that dozens of my most profitable souls have been rendered useless by an angelic bomb. Not enough that I not only had to put the disgraceful flat screened wretch back in his place, but also his vulgar boy toy and their brazen, attention-seeking brat.“

He grew in size as he ranted, you watched him reaching the ceiling, antlers scraping along the walls. „I manage my weakening territories, manage these imbeciles who think they can play overlords, I manage this sad excuse of a hotel, I manage the princess's unattainable ideas, and now, I also need to manage you, too, of all people? What a disappointm...“

„Stop.“

You held up a hand. Alastor growled, fluffing up even more, limbs cracking and static popping. „How dare y...“

„Stop.“, you said again. Your tone was calm, void of anger, or fear, neutral and steady. He stared at you, and you held his gaze. „Breathe, Alastor.“

You saw him fighting with himself. He fought against his instinct to oppose, to command, to put you into your place, to rip you apart. His elongated claws scraped over the floor, ripping deep ridges in the wood.

„Breathe.“, you repeated, firmer this time.

Slowly, gradually, Alastor shrunk. Breathed. Crumbled. Until he was back to his usual size and form, only with an exhausted expression.

You studied him – you've never seen him like that. He never allowed anyone to see him as something other than 'the radio demon': Powerful, unshakeable, quick on his feet and always one step ahead. How exhausting it must be. To always have the control also meant to always carry responsibility, to always fear impending failure.

Your heart whispered to you, and you followed it's advice. It could be the most stupid thing you could do, but you decided to do it anyway.

„Come here, Alastor.“

He looked at you, unsure, suspicious. You sounded commanding, but not harsh. Inviting. Like a hand, reached out to someone trapped. For a moment, you almost thought you ruined everything – his eyes left yours, they fell to the ground as he shifted on his feet.

But then – steps. Coming closer. Stopping right in front of you. And suddenly..

His head on your shoulder. His breath on your neck. His voice in your ear.

„Sometimes I'm so sick of it all. Sick of maneuvering, sick of ruling, governing, planning...“

You touched his neck, he let you, caressing the soft skin, heated from his outburst, trembling slightly at the contact. It was intimate, baring this vulnerable part to you. You heart broke for him.

He pulled himself away from you, searching for your eyes. Finding them again, he took your hand, bringing it up to his face, guiding your fingers over his lips. He just said one word.

„Please.“

So much was said with this please. You heard every message. Giving up control, just for a bit, just with something he didn't care enough about to insist on ruling, could be a small bit of freedom. Letting himself be guided instead of leading.

“Kneel down, Alastor.”

His ears pressed flat against his head, but he did as he was told. He couldn't look you in the eyes. For once, you were the one towering over him. You took his face in your hands, pulling it so he looked up to you, seeing your warm smile before your lips met his.

His breath hitched, stuck somewhere in his throat.

You slid one hand to the back of his neck, pulling him closer, the other caressing his cheek as you tilted your head and deepened the kiss. Slowly, the rigidity melted away, he started to shift, lips no longer stiff but soft and molding against your own.

He tried to stand up, but you pushed him down, gently, definitively.

“Trust me to guide you, buck.”

He breathed, one, two, three times, eyes closed, grin tight.

“Yes, doe.”

Your own excitement took a back seat. You were filled with pure energy at the thought of crossing the line with him, having Alastor in a way you only dreamed about, convinced your relationship would never come this far. But. But this was not about you, for now. Maybe, another time. If another time ever came.

You lowered yourself on him, straddling him, so you were still 'taller', and rejoined your lips. You took his hands and set them on your hips, let them rest there while you buried yours in his hair, tugging lightly to bend his head back. His initial resistance lessened, and he gave in, exposing his throat, gray skin peeking out of his high collar. You let your mouth travel to his jawline, down to the small patch of delicate, thin skin, right next to his jugular. You felt him tense, felt his rising urge to protect himself from your potential strike. You let out a soft hum as you started to lick it, sucking gently, just a bit, just to make him shiver at the sensation. And how he did.

A moan, low and sweet like the strumming of a cello, escaped him, his hands crushing your hips by the force of his grip. It hurt, but you decided to ignore it. Little steps.

“Can you take more, good boy?”

His eyes snapped open, burning furiously. You met them with calmness, with a soft matter-of-fact-ness. Not smug, not mocking. A question. Proceed or Stop?

Alastor swallowed hot saliva. You could see he was getting overwhelmed, overstimulated, and yet, he had such a longing in his eyes, such desperation.

“Yes.”

One simple word. One spark, setting your body on fire. You tried to force your trembling fingers to steady, lifting yourself slightly off him to open his trousers. With every button, his breaths grew heavier, his grip on your legs grew tighter, claws already digging in your skin and drawing blood.

“Careful, buck. I'll need these in a moment.”, you said, placing both hands on his chest, pushing him flat on his back on the ground. He let you go, arms falling useless next to him.

You leaned forward, thanking any deity that would listen you decided to wear a skirt today, and placed a hand on his growing bulge. He hissed at the touch, cracking the floor as his fingers clawed into the wood of the floor instead your fleshy legs.

Freed from it's cage, Alastor's dick was already dripping with beads of precum, a sight to behold. You wrapped your fingers around it, feeling the warmth and bloodflow, it twitched in your hand. You stroke him, eliciting the most sinful noises from the demon under you.

You took a deep breath. One more, one question more, to make sure that he wanted it.

“Look at me, Alastor.”

He sat up on his elbows, looking more helpless than you've ever imagined he could. Even his smile wavered, threatening to break. You were looking for any signs of hesitation, disgust, resistance, regret. You only found desire. A want, a need, almost pleading eyes.

Your free hand pushed your panty away, enough to expose your lips, and you lowered yourself onto him, his length slowly entering you. He was big, you were tight. A bittersweet combination. Sparks flew before your eyes as he stretched you, but you were hypnotized by his eyes.

They were blown wide, returned to black, but the irises now flickering into dials, turning, left to right as he groaned. You moved, guiding your hips up and down, feeling yourself molding to his shape in the most delectable way, and getting drunk off the look on his face.

You increased the pace on which you pushed yourself on him, adding a little tilt of your hips to take him even deeper. His voice was reduced to a static-y mess, hums and groans and moans bleeding into each other. You placed both of your hands on his chest for more support, inevitably pinning him down. His hands flew to yours, threatening to push them off him, but instead, he entwined his fingers with yours, panting heavily.

It didn't take long for him to feel the pressure, unbearable and urgent, his release approaching at godspeed.

“Doe, I can't...”

Panic in his tone. He tried to put his hands on your waist to pull you off. You understood immediately – an upbringing in conservative times, decades of living by the rules of a gentleman, he was resisting against the thought of cumming inside you. You pushed his hands away.

“Yes, you can.”, you stated, smiling at him, a hint of wickedness in your eyes. “And you will.”

Your skilled movements and dedicated demeanor sent him over the edge immediately. Protests were futile as he came in you forcefully, you felt his cock pumping his seed deep into you, hot and thick as you rocked him through his orgasm. Your own high wasn't worth chasing, too far away to matter. You didn't even think about it – nothing could feel better than this.

Alastor ran his hands over his forehead, sweeping away beads of sweat as his breath calmed down.

His hand shot out to grab you, and, still impaled by him, he pulled you into his chest, invading your mouth with his tongue to kiss you possessively. As if to transfer the command, the control he had given up, back to him. Taking it from you.

For a moment you were scared. The positions had reset to their default. Would that mean he'd push you off? Say goodnight and never talk about this night again? Returning to the Status Quo. Friends, the end.

Alastor pulled your chin up to look at you. His thumb ran over your cheek, tenderly and full of care. His eyes answered every question in your mind. You weren't scared anymore.

[699charcoalp]

All alone with you

Fanwork about Lincoln and my MC Remus. A lot of grammar problems(because English is not my first language) and ooc, my fault.

Title source: All Alone With You by Egoist.

"Lincoln." someone said in the room. "I am here," Lincoln asked, "Want something?" "Nothing," Lincoln's beloved said, "I just want to know you are still with me." "Alright." And then, Lincoln saw his singer smile and wave at him. Good, again, that smile. Lincoln walks to him and sits down. If someone had acted like that before today, Lincoln might have felt a little bit strange but……the people who did this act were Lincoln's singer, star, and boyfriend. So Lincoln thought everything about the man in front of him seemed…… normal and cute. Immediately after leaving the hospital, Remus checked into Lincoln's house, where he refused all contact with anyone connected to his past (except Lincoln) and just stayed in his room all day. Other than the above, everything is normal. Remus lived in Lincoln's house like a cheerful ghost, he'd scorch the pots when he was cooking, and he'd beg Lincoln to buy a game because it was on sale on his steam wishlist (even though Remus had the money to buy it). It's just that he doesn't make any music anymore, and it's like the days of being the lead singer of a band never happened. A lot of people will say "That is abnormal", but Lincoln is not. For Lincoln, that's just one …… piece in the person of Remus, as a seeing every turn of a kaleidoscope, which is endearing no matter what it looks like. Remus laughs very violently but rarely smiles now. Contrary to when he used to be in the band, Remus used to smile a lot at that time because it was unobtrusive. Remus dreaded every stare. In one of the few interviews he was in the band, he once said: “It's a good thing I'm nearsighted, otherwise I can't have any way of fooling myself that ‘nobody's looking at me’". Lincoln replays this interview again and again and then feels proud because Remus is not afraid of him. Even at that time the members of the band, including Remus himself, knew that Lincoln was Remus's fan (of the intimidating variety). "Did you ever think of calling the police when I used to see you every time? " When the first day of Remus moved into Lincoln's house, Lincoln joked. Remus turns around and looks at him like he heard some unbelievable thing. "No, never, "Remus told him, "Why do I have to? I mean……I know you put a huge attention on me but……" Remus throws the thing that he holding away. His hands gestured idly in the air, trying to find the exact answer in these mysterious gestures, but he finally gave up. "I don't know," Remus spoke frustrated, "Even though from the first time I met you the people around me have said that you are a bit strange ……I still feel you will never hurt me." "You trust me?" "I just believe my heart." Remus shrugged, “Even though a lot of the time it shouts so loud inside me because it's triggering some switch that shouldn't be triggered, it's fine to listen and see what it has to say once in a while, at least I can feel safe. ” When Remus finished, he and Lincoln stared at each other silently for a moment. "Any question?" After this moment, Remus tilted his head slightly to the left. "No." Lincoln laughed and helped Remus put his baggage.

Lincoln's thoughts returned to this room in the present. He changed the subject as if nothing had happened, "So what are we eating tonight?" "Sichuan fish soup with pickled mustard greens, Dandan noodles, and Chili oil wontons." Remus began to say the food's name without hesitation. "Can we just eat hotpot?" “No way.” Remus vetoed, “Hot pot and this type of dish are both from Sichuan or Chongqing but they are not essentially the same thing, and I have to correct you on this erroneous idea that ‘all spicy Chinese food is related to hot pot’.” “All right.”Lincoln stood up, "Want some drink?" "Jasmine milk tea 80% sweet no ice large and without boba." There were no pauses, and someone used his lung capacity well. "Maybe someday you'll try some new flavors of milk tea?" "Yeah, maybe when this world is destroyed." Remus roll his eyes. "Wanna come with me?" Lincoln pretended to extend the invitation as if nothing had happened. "No. I don't want to." Remus' handsome face scrunched up so fast. Remus has never been out of the house since moving into the Lincoln home, except to see the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist claims it's a "pathological isolation" and reminds Lincoln that he must help Remus out of this "rut," but Lincoln thinks it's okay that Remus doesn't want to leave the house. At least he'll never leave me, Lincoln thought, and I don't think Remus doesn't realize he's self-isolating himself. The man who can write lyrics that can make people crazy emotion can't be so stupid that he doesn't realize what he's doing; he just needs time, even if the length of that time is a lifetime. Lincoln stands up and leaves the room, Remus silently follows Lincoln out of the room before taking up position by the door to the room, he leans his full weight against the door frame and watches with his arms crossed over his chest as Lincoln begins to put on his shoes after picking up his car keys. "Miss me?" "No, my dear fan," Remus lied without changing his face, "I just wanna turn the drawing room's light off." Lincoln shrugged, he knew what Remus looked like when he tried to lie, but he was happy to pretend he was being lied to. He walks to the door, but Remus doesn't move. Until Lincoln opens the door and wants to close it, through the crack in the door, Lincoln sees Remus quietly walk toward the switch to turn the light off, and immediately afterward he hears Remus say aloud, "Take care on the road. " The door closed.

@pressplay-if I was going to post it anonymously but couldn't find it …… Anyway! (leaving Tumblr nervously, leaving my laptop nervously, leaving this internet nervously)

[sorcerous-caress]

I was the anon that sent the Meluidil ask early today :D Thank you for the content!! I literally read through all the posts, sent your blog to a friend to yap about it, then we proceeded to yap about it at Chili's tonight LMAO

I don't send requests often on tumblr (hence the anon, I am a f r a i d) because I always am afraid of coming off as pushy-but I can promise you if you ever ramble about stupid loser high elf boy myself and the homies will 👁️👁️

I am curious though, how is learning other languages perceived in this world? I know it was mentioned in another post viewers of their porn asking him to teach reader dirty words in Elvish--would he? How would an elf normally view a human learning Elvish? Would it be seen as like 'the whore humans are insulting our language' or endearing?

Is it on duolingo? Imagine she leaves her phone for a moment, he sees the little pop up of a language learning app reminding her to do her five minutes of Elvish to keep her streak up.

Maybe she'd try to learn it in secret, then out of nowhere say something absolutely WILD to him in Elvish during sex. I feel like it could either be the sexiest thing he's ever heard, or she butchers it so badly he finds it adorable.

also I saw other people sign of anon asks with an emoji and i thought that was wholesome, so in honor of discussing elf sex at chili's with a triple dipper ill do one of these

-🌶️

The combination of that emoji and the great Meluidil discussion taking places at a chili's couldn't be any more perfect considering elves' love for spicy food, especially Meluidil.

"Is it on duolingo?" When I tell you I completely lost it. Just for a second I was fully immersed and living in a modern dnd world where learning how to cuss someone out in ancient elvish was a mere phone tap away.

Sadly, no, I don't think it's on fantasy duolingo. Not from lack of effort, believe me the shareholders pulled every string, but elves remain stubborn and have it taken down—especially the high elves are the most vocal about their distaste for their beloved language to be butchered by humans and else.

They're too proud to let learning elvish be easy or accessible, other species must "prove their worth" first before the elves would share their knowledge, and of course, what better way to learn elvish than start with the thickest of books filled to the brim with poetry, prose, and complicated euphemisms.

It's just that... the "dislike/disgust" to "fetishisation" pipeline in some of those elves is far too real, their reclusion is a double-edged sword because now, in the perspective of those lucky few, humans seem to be made for breeding, designed to entice and seduce them, otherwise how would you explain this deep seated attraction and frustration they feel towards your kind? What do you mean it might stem from envy at the freedom humanity tends to overindulge in? What nonsense. They're definitely not jealous of something like that so much that fucking you is the closest thing to freedom they'll ever taste.

Haha...

ha...

Either way, it's a self-fullfilling prophecy. Elves make it harder for others to assimilate into them, whenever someone—elf, human, or else—attempts to bridge the culture gap, it mostly ends in failure, elves really don't like sharing their knowledge, habits, or even language.

The viewers on the forums are another case, they're deliberately requesting that Meluidil makes you say words in elvish because of how sacrilegious it feels, wrapping around to being insanely hot.

Your best bet when it comes to learning elvish is either knowing an elf and harrassing them into teaching you, or browsing sketchy websites full of seedy ads about single hot succubuses near you, and hoping this one doesn't get taken down before the end of the week like all the others.

But you know what you'll find on duolingo? Infernal, oh yes. And it's just 10 straight courses full of misinformation and deliberate mistranslations. Honestly, demons can't believe that they haven't thought of this sooner. The number of overconfident mortals signing binding contracts with them skyrocketing ever since, now they only need to litter the words "duck" and "pineapple" across a contract for your average human to misread them as some get-out-of-jail-free card.

Now, back to our beloved loser elf. If his human was attempting to learn some elvish in secret, it really depends on how you go about it.

Maybe you catch on to some of the words Meluidil has a habit of saying? Elvish is very melodic in nature. It's hard not to be drawn to it, leading you to unconsciously eavesdrop on some of Meluidil's phone calls. Not understanding what he's saying, but finding correlations between certain phrases and subtle changes in his tone and demeanour.

You pick up on the word he hisses under his breath after stubbing his toe against the table's leg.

Then there are the words spoken through breathy whispers against your neck, repeated like a prayer as your insides squeeze around him, making him stutter halfway through his sentences.

It's different from the latin-like words magic tends to adapt. It sounds like the whole language is based on poetry.

Maybe picking up words that way will help make them sound more natural, you still butcher the pronunciation, but his reaction is more giddy and surprised than anything else.

But if you do take the risk and dive in head first into these shady "Elvish 101" online booklets...

There's no guarantee Meluidil won't rush out the room because he's trying so hard not to burst out laughing at what you just said, and he feels so guilty because oh you must have went to such length to learn it, but by Corellon it's the funniest thing he's heard in the past decade.

It's unbelievably endearing. He's getting cuteness aggression and has to cross his arms to restrain himself from hugging you to death because. You shouldn't push a man past his first century into having a heart attack like that.

In the end, no matter which method you start with, both routes lead to the same result of Meluidil offering to teach you some Elvish if you're that curious.

It's definitely not an excuse to uh roleplay teacher student... or maybe private tutor and—Okay he needs to go back on track before his mind wanders further.

He doesn't make a good teacher at all, the man is distracted very easily and suddenly this regal put-together elf is a blushing mess because when you leaned down to read something in the book he's showing you, he glimpsed inside your shirt.

Full grown ass man btw, same one who has slept with you countless times, same one who posted these videos on online human kink forums which he admins at, losing his marbles and melting into a puddle at the accidental flash of a small patch of skin below your collar, like he's a repressed victorian maiden.

Yeah... there's no sugar coating it. He's a terrible teacher when it comes to you. You'd tease him for being a massive down-bad simp, wasn't it for the fact he'd wear that title with pride.

Like oh, he's a simp? What gave you that idea, human? Was it his previous massive collection of first-copy human porn magazines?

Don't be absurd, he's not that massive of a simp. He just... stays in the same bed as you while you sleep despite the fact elves don't need to sleep because... uh, he's just enthusiastic about sleep? Yes, it has always fascinated him as a phenomenon.

No other reason.

-

Thank you so much for your kind words <3 your request cheered me up a lot, I genuinely missed talking about this eccentric high elf.

Hell, I reopened my requests just in case you ever wanted to send a second ask, and here you are!

I reassure you that you're not being pushy, I understand that it can feel scary to just burst in gun-blazing with your request/concept idea, especially since you said you don't send often.

But you're very welcome to, even if you send a bunch at once, I'll reply to the ones I find most interesting! Sometimes, a request doesn't get answered not because the author found it offensive, but because we can be at a genuine loss of ideas or how to approach this—How all Shadowheart prompts got squeezed dry out of me.

Yet the Meluidil tank is still half full, so feel free to drop unannounced whenever you have new ideas you'd like to share with the class about him.

Sometimes, life just gets in the way, I meant to reply to your ask sooner, but December seems to be a cursed month where irl problems are never in shortage-

Either way, I got unimaginably happy when you told me that you and your friend have been discussing my writing! And about one of my favourite og characters! and at chili's one of my fav restaurant!!!

I hope life is good to you, anon, do take care of yourself.

[hell02kitty]

The Super Bowl is tonight and my family has wings, fries, chili, hot links, and burgers down stairs and I’m locked in my room right now trying not go down stairs and eat everything on the island in my kitchen. I feel like screaming and crying. I’m so hungry, but I’m still fat and no where near my Ugw…I could’ve been if I didn’t binge so much this month. The feeling of wanting to eat mixed with the desire to want to be boney is making me feel overstimulated and pissing me off! I can’t make myself eat even tho I want it so bad!!! all I can think about is how I’m gonna look if I keep letting my hunger win. It’s so fucking frustrating I feel like I’m trapped in between two walls and they keep getting closer and closer to each other. Either eat to satisfy your cravings, and feel like shit after, or don’t eat, and be hungry and moody for the rest of the night. Either way I won’t be happy.

[faefrosting]

Long rant/vent about my stupid eating habits

I feel so so bad everytime my mom makes me dinner. Especially when she makes a separate pot for me to add things to to it that I like, but I still have to pick it apart cause she added the one thing I have constantly stated I do not like in my food.

Meat, I do not like meat in many dishes. I know my parents want me to eat more protien but I do not like eating meat and I will not force myself to. It just distresses me, I don't like ripping apart meals made for me having to through half of it out, but I know if I kept the meat in the dish I would have just thrown out the whole dish instead of half of it.

Like tonight she made chili, she made a smaller pot just for me of the chili that added corn cause I like corn.

If you participated in my chili poll I had a while back you'd know i hate meat in chili and prefer to be beans instead. My mother was there during the argument I had with my sister on whether beans belong in chili. To which my mom heard me say several times "I don't think meat is good in chili" and "i like chili with no meat". So as you can probably guess. The chili my mother made tonight? All meat, no beans. The very kind of chili i hate and will not eat.

So my mother watched as I painstakingly separated as much of the meat from the corn and diced tomatoes as I could and added in beans. And when I asked her what to do with the bowl full of meat, she told me to take it outside for the cat to eat and I asked her if she was sure and she said yes.

I'm just frustrated this keeps happening over and over again. That i have to say over and over again that I do not like meat, that i only like certain things with meat and those the expectations not the rule (things like hamburgers, hot/corn dogs, chicken nuggets, literally any meat that is turned into a uniform goo basically)

I hate that it is not taken into consideration, that it is ignored. And I also feel like I'm missing out on important vitamins and minerals I could be getting if they at least got me substitutes instead having the one thing I won't eat as the main option most nights

At least they don't try to force me to eat fish anymore and understand that I genuinely developed an intolerance and possibly a mild allergy to it

Also it's not that I don't want to eat meat, I actually do, but it makes so sick and genuinely is an awful experience for me to eat most meats (texture issue, its why I can stand heavily processed slop "meats" and not fresh cuts)

[kinetic-elaboration]

February 27: Potluck

I really need to take a nap tomorrow, I am so behind on sleep. It’s terrible. I’ll never have a decent weekend if I don’t get it together. Honesty, I really am falling into all sorts of bad habits from last fall again and I don’t like this for me at all. Also at work I keep feeling like… I have all these things I should be doing but I just start them and then set them aside and forget about them, so I have all these barely started things around me. Or so it seems. I have been doing a pretty good amount of transcription work, though, which is good.

Today was our belated Valentine’s potluck, which a coworker and I have been organizing for several years. This year felt rather cursed. Almost no one signed up at first and then he got sick, so we moved it back two weeks. But he was still sick enough that he could attend but not eat anything, which made me feel pretty bad. And I just had this paranoid feeling that we hadn’t done enough somehow, to remind people of it—I was just feeling really lazy about literally everything to do with it and was sort of hoping it would just work itself out. It did, cause like it’s not that complex; I’m not sure what I was expecting, like Fyre Festival? But it was fine. Pretty much everyone brought what they were supposed to bring, no one noticed I didn’t do any decorating (didn’t feel it, also, it’s not actually Valentine’s Day), and I totally gorged myself on chili such that I barely needed dinner tonight and also felt like I had an excuse to sit around doing nothing for hours. It, uh, makes sense in my head.

I want to write. But, I also want to have the time and energy to really get into it, which is absolutely how I end up psyching myself out of everything!

It feels like spring and I don’t think I should have to go to work during this. I just feel such a frustration that I’m in this hole again for no particular reason. I really need to take a long weekend soon, and it’s just a bummer that I have a meeting on Friday and can’t impulsively make it this week.

[maawi]

I just want to kiss a girl, is that so much to ask?

[mapleshmaple]

,

[ed-teach-enjoyer]

since I was like 14 only girls have ever expressed romantic interest in me and it's not like I'm mad about that it's a free country and attraction is attraction but I'm interested in dudes and the last time I tried to really pursue a romantic relationship with a dude he said he'd never see me as a guy and like. I know that's just going to be true until I start hrt and stuff but also I'm not masculine at all and I don't act like a dude so it's not like I can expect men to ever be interested in me at all anyway

[freewheelshippin]

Major insomnia and heartache in this chili’s tonight (this morning), so here we are with a quick little fic about two dum dums learning how to share heartache.(SFW, no major content warnings I can think of.) 

next day edits: well, now that it’s not ass o’clock, i went back in and tidied this up and added a fair amount more!!  (much more satisfying ending instead of something so abrupt, haha.) doesn’t add any further content warnings, tho! 

Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed her, he thought as she tensed and her demeanor changed entirely. 

“I want to know,” he continued, resolutely. 

“Everyone says that,” she spat. “And nobody actually does.” 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Ranmaru barked. “You heard me out when I told you about everything. Were you lying all those times you listened? Pretending to care just long enough I get over myself and shut up and move on?!” He knew, in his heart of hearts, of course she wasn’t, but the way she said it insulted him so badly he could practically taste the bitterness. 

She paused, looking to the side ruefully, shamefully. He had a feeling she’d struggle with eye contact this conversation, and he slouched his arms together, dropping back onto the couch with an irritated sigh, out of her line of sight. 

“....No. Absolutely not. Look, this … is different.” 

“How,” he growled. “You want to fucking talk about it. I tell you I’ll listen, it’s the least I owe you, and you say ‘no.’ You think I’m not gonna say ‘why’ after you shit all over my answer like that?” 

She took a longer time than usual to find words, so just a few empty seconds where he waited, frustrated and somewhat furious at the disconnect. 

“...You’re right that I shouldn’t have put it like that. That was shitty, and I’m sorry. But there’s...just...some kinds of life experiences that I’ve found nobody has any reason to learn to understand if it doesn’t happen to them. And...nobody’s prepared to deal with it -- meaningfully, anyways -- even secondhand.” 

“Are you just looking for excuses to run away from--” He nearly hesitated over the words, realizing what they were almost a second too late, but marching forward with them anyway. “--trusting me?” 

Another pause. “....I don’t know. I...can’t think of a time I’ve talked about it and….it hasn’t been taken from me.” 

“What the hell does that mean?” 

“It means....” She lingered long enough that Ranmaru worried, rousing himself a bit from staring blankly at the ceiling as he sprawled on the couch. She hadn’t moved from where she had been standing, but she looked at a far-off bare wall with nothing on it. “...that...the way people aren’t,” Another pause, as she searched for the word, “magically equipped with how to deal with it. It...turns me from a person into….anything else.” 

“Like what.”

“An after-school lesson. Entertainment. A new toy. A pet. A messiah to burn later, if I’m being really dramatic and cynical. I don’t know, it depends on what flavor of asshole feels like coming out, and it’s never anything good.” 

“Then tell them they’re being an asshole -- tell me I’m being an asshole -- and don’t quit until you get what you want out of them!” 

“Look!” She finally lost that last twinge of polite restraint, of saying things more nicely than Ranmaru thought was worth bothering with. “What if I didn’t know how to do that, ‘cause how could I?! And what if I don’t want to have to fight every fucking time? What if I just want to be important enough to get it right on to begin with?! And-- don’t give me that shit about being so strong, you’ll survive the mistakes, blah blah -- fuck that! I’m tired of it! I’m not a crash-test dummy! So fucking crucify me for not buckling in to crash myself into who fuckin’ knows what just ‘cuz you got it in your head this is how you’ll repay this stupid friend debt you think you’re in -- you’re not! Just---” she grunted exasperatedly, her uncharacteristic stillness disappearing as she felt less cornered. 

“I don’t care if you think I don’t owe you!” Ranmaru shot back. “I do! I want to even the score! If you did right by me, then I gotta do right by you! It’s how I do things, and I’m not about to just forget and let you keep diggin’ yourself into this hole--”  (this hole I know very well, Ranmaru thought) “-- where you get so hellbent on doin’ it on your own you cut down all your vision, ‘n your potential, ‘n all the ways you reach it, ‘cuz you keep having to re-invent the wheel just to take a step forward with all the shit you’re carrying!” 

“Will you stop trying to quantify this!?” 

“I’m not! I’m just tellin’ you what I think, and I’m right!” (I know I’m right because of y--) 

“Okay! Maybe you are! About the hole thing -- not the whole thing, the -- the fuckin pit, not the whole-- ah, fuck it, you know what I mean! But I still think this debt system you keep putting basic acts of friendship into is dumb as shit!” 

Ranmaru could already feel the point of this argument slipping away from them. “Are you gonna tell me what’s eating at you so bad or not?!” 

She froze again. “---I’m. ….No. I’m not. I...my heart’s not ready, if things....go badly again.” 

“Fine,” Ranmaru said, resolutely. He was hurt, in a small way, but he felt better that she was at least being truthful, and least acting out of her best interest, not some idiotic idea of useless martyrdom. H couldn’t fault her for protecting her heart. He, of all people, couldn’t possibly do that. 

“...then I’ll work to be someone worthy of the trust you deserve,” he murmured, somewhat less resolutely. 

The words just came out of him before he could think better of it, so Ranmaru hadn’t considered any reaction to expect. But stunned silence, then sniffling tears, that was probably the reaction he’d been least prepared to deal with. 

“Oi-- don’t---” Ranmaru leapt to his feet, like he were a startled prey animal. “Don’t cry!” 

“Don’t tell me what to do!” she huffed through a miserable, contorted, crying face. “Come here, you stupid bastard!” She came towards him with arms outstretched, only just enough warning for Ranmaru to open his own and receive the gesture, an awkward stalwartness to him as he stiffly supported her while the tears ran their course. 

“I think it’s amazing how when you say shit like that,” she murmured, her arms tight around his chest. “I really do believe you mean it.” 

“....’cause I do,” Ranmaru grumbled, realizing his face burned just a little as she squeezed tighter, and he felt just a little colder when she let go. 

“...It’s not about you changing yourself, you know,” she continued, busying herself with cleaning up her tears and snot. “It’s not about you not being enough. You know that, right?” 

“...I don’t care if it is. I’d want to do it. I know you don’t expect people to be anyone but who they are. Whatever change I’d have to make was one I should be working on, anyway.” 

“Oh, god,” she sighed, stepping away to the nearest sink to wash her face, but there was a smile on her voice. “I really can’t underestimate how seriously you take everything.” 

“I told you. I’m always serious about what I do,” he muttered, a little sourly, as the faucet ran. 

“Charm point~!” she called from the bathroom in such a silly, mocking voice Ranmaru could hardly believe she’d been crying like she had just a bit ago. 

“Shut up! Stop saying weird shit like Reiji!” 

“Oh.” She came back with an ominous smile, a little at odds with her puffy eyes and smudged eyeliner. “Well, that’s how I know I really hit the nail on the head.” 

“What’s so charming about taking things seriously,” he bristled. “It’s just what people should do!” 

She laughed, so genuinely, so warmly, Ranmaru felt a twinge in his stomach. Maybe it was pride, maybe something else he didn’t want to unpack just yet. 

“C’mere,” she said again, despite going right to him, wrapping her arms around his waist tightly before leaning back, hoisting him higher until his toes dragged against the floor. Ranmaru let it happen, feeling his weight shift onto hers as she growled into the effort of getting him into the air, even with his extra height on her. He complained about these kinds of hugs, once, but had since grown so used to them, there was something about them he could admit to liking. 

“...Alright, alright. Put me down. Oi. Don’t swing me around, put me down!” The cats had gathered around, looking ready to pounce at his toes and pant legs as they waved through the air. 

“Is big baby scared of heights,” she said with that facetious tone that always got him. 

“Who said anything about that!? Put me down before the cats get on me -- like -- damn it, exactly like that!” One took a flying leap, batting at his legs until her claws her tangled into his pant leg. He could feel her grin into his shoulder as she obliged, slowly enough that the cats could get out of the way.

“It absolutely is what people should do,” she murmured, flopping back around him after he freed the the paw from its fabric prison (and his pants from any more catscratches). “You’ve just got the big stupid, stubborn heart to follow through with it. With literally everything you do.” 

“...Tch.” Ranmaru wrapped his arms around her then while he felt his cheeks, the tips of his ears prick with heat. “Of course you’d make it about heart. It’s not, it’s about the ways souls burn when you give ‘em the right passion and drive....” 

“Mmhmm,” she said, squeezing one last time before she released again. “Heart. It’s very rock of you.” She patted him on the back as she slipped out from his arms. “I’m gonna get myself a glass of water, you want one?”  

“...Oi. It’s not --” He sighed. “Whatever. Yeah, I’ll take one,” he replied, stretching back over the couch.

She disappeared, and ice and water clinked into glasses. Ranmaru, for a stolen moment, rested his right hand over his chest, quietly lingering at how open and warm it felt beneath all the skin, muscle, and bone. 

Even if she didn’t like the idea of it being a debt, Ranmaru swore to himself that he would’t let this sort of favor go unreturned. It was how he did things, after all. 

[writers-block246]

Jughead x Reader Part 2 - “Skates”

Chapter 1, Chapter 3

Chapter 2:

You sashayed throughout the diner on your second day of the job, feeling a lot more comfortable and relaxed; unlike the day before. Gliding on your skates around the counter you glace over when you hear the bell on the door. Hoping and praying that it’s him, you stare intensely.

Nope. Just another regular customer. Dang it.

“Waiting for someone?” Pop asks you, as he notices your gaze meeting the door.

Yes.

“No, Of course not,” you lie.

“Mhm,” he doubtingly rolls his eyes. You furrow your eyebrows to keep from smiling.

Did I go home and think about Jughead Jones nonstop? Maybe...

“He’ll be here, newbie. He always comes,” he assures you, not believing your lies.

*ding*

“Order up for table number 9! Chili cheese fries and a chocolate shake, with extra cherries.”

You grab the tray of food, carefully skating over to table 9 and giving them a few napkins as well. As you are skating back to the counter, a figure outside the diner windows catches your eyes. You immediately recognize his lean figure, piercing eyes, and sexy smirk.

Jughead Jones.

He kicks down the kickstand on his motorcycle and takes off his helmet before walking towards the door. You quickly preoccupy yourself behind the counter by pretending to reorganize the soda cups so it doesn’t appear that you were waiting for him.

The bell on the door rings, and there he is. Looking just as handsome as the day before when your eyes met for the first time. He’s wearing his typical serpent jacket and grey beanie. You lick your lips, trying not to let him see you slipping sly glaces at him as he sits down at his typical booth.

“Pop!” He hollers. “Give me a strawberry milkshake to go.”

Pop chuckles under his breath. “You got it Jug. Just how you like it!”

To go? He’s leaving already? He just got here.

Once the milkshake was ready—with no whipped cream of course—you carefully take it over to him in a cup and give him a lid and a straw so he can easily take it to go.

“Woah, Y/N. How’d you get so good on those skates in one day? You must be a natural,” he teases you.

“I wish that were the case, but actually I was skating around my garage until 2 AM last night trying to get better on these things,” you confess to him, smiling as you gesture to your skates.

“I guess practice really does make perfect.” He replies, looking you up and down with that same smirk that makes your legs feel like jello.

He stands up and starts heading toward the door.

“Where are heading off to so quickly today?” You ask, trying to get him to stay and talk to you for just a few seconds more.

“My dad needs help at the Andrew’s Construction sight today,” he shrugged, not looking super thrilled about it. “But hey,” he suddenly perks up, “what time do you get off tonight?”

You are caught off guard as to why he would want to know a small detail like this about your life. You refocus yourself so you can spit out the words.

“7:00, why?”

“Me and some of the Serpents are going to the abandoned drive-in tonight. You should come, if you want.”

Hearing these words escape his lips you almost need to pinch yourself to see if you’re dreaming.

Is Jughead Jones asking me to hang out later? Omg. Play it cool.

“Sure, I’d love to come!” You answer a little too enthusiastic. You clear your throat. “Uh, I mean, sounds cool. It’s cool.”

He chuckles, his dimples slightly peeking out as he smiles wide.

“Well then, cool. I’ll see you tonight, Skates.”

Hearing him calling you that nickname again sends a chill down your spine.

Did that just happen?? Holy shi-

“Newbie! Let’s go, stop standing around!” Pop calls out to you. You immediately skate back behind the counter, not wanting to make him anymore frustrated then he already was.

“Sorry, Pop.” You start to grab silverware to organize in the drawers before Pop taps your shoulder.

“Y/N, I’d be careful if I were you,” he starts to warn you. “Jug is a good kid, but he hangs around on the wrong side of the tracks. Those serpents don’t mess around.”

You let out a small sigh. “Thanks Pop, but I’m not afraid of them. I really like Jughead and he just basically asked me out, so I’m going.”

“To the abandoned drive-in? How romantic of him,” Pop sarcastically remarks.

“Were you spying on us?” You ask him, raising your eyebrows.

“Hey, If you’re gonna flirt with a boy while working a shift in my diner, I wanna get all of the juicy details.” He pats your shoulder, smiling at you sincerely before getting back to work.

As you finish up organizing the final pieces of silverware, you can’t help but feel like the seconds are moving unbelievably slow counting down to your date with Jug. But you can’t help but feel a slight pit in your stomach.

What if this is a bad idea? What if I’m really getting myself into trouble hanging with these serpents? But more importantly, what the heck am I going to wear?

*ding*

“Order up!”

-Admin Bria

Hope you like it so far!

[sheewolf85]

New Fic - Right Where You Belong

Summary: Based on Twitter ramblings from Keelywolfe, Nanenna, myself, and many others!

Edge is the older brother here, only a teenager himself and living on the streets with Red when he's invited by Rus to stay at his place with his dad and younger brother. He can watch the kids while Rus goes to work at the lab with Gaster! It's perfect! And it is, for a while, until one day the kids get into a fight and Blue gets hurt.

As much as Edge wants to comfort the kids and make sure everything is okay, he can't help but wonder what's going to happen when Rus and Gaster get home. Will he and his brother lose their warm, safe home?

Notes: This has been stuck in my head ever since this morning when it was talked about on Twitter. It had to be written!

One quick note here, Edge and Rus are the same age, about sixteen or so. Rus can't do much at the lab, but enough to earn a bit of cash to help out with the bills.

I want to gift this to the ppl on Twitter, but I feel like I'd miss someone, so, if you were part of the twitter convo, consider this your gift!

Read it AO3 

Or read after the cut

Stars, he was tired. He hadn’t slept well the night before because his baby brother hadn’t slept well, and all Edge wanted was a damn nap that he wasn’t likely to get anytime soon seeing as how he was the only one in the house to watch the two younger kids.

Which, admittedly, he wasn’t doing a very good job of at the moment. But they were fine; they were in Blue’s room playing while Edge attempted to keep his sockets open in the living room. He was listening, though, and they seemed to be playing some sort of superhero game, both of them being the heroes while several of Blue’s stuffed animals played the bad guys. It was honestly cute, even if they were both a bit grouchy today.

To top it off, neither of the toddlers had taken a nap. Edge had honestly expected Red to pass right the heck out since he’d barely slept the night before, but no, he was chattering to himself the whole hour while Blue sang himself lullabies.

It wasn’t much of a surprise when their play turned a bit sour, their gentle squabbling over which villain was going to get their butt handed to them next turning into an all-out argument complete with raised voices and name-calling.

Edge really should have gotten up to check on them and help them calm down fifteen minutes ago. He shouldn’t have let it go on so long, but he was so tired!

Red screeching in anger got Edge to his feet in a hurry. He made it to the doorway of Blue’s room just in time to see Red throw a toy at Blue. It hit him square in the face with enough force to knock him down and smack the back of his head on another toy.

Blue was immediately in tears, screaming in both pain and anger as Edge rushed over to check him. Edge’s soul began to pound as Blue sat up and marrow dripped from nasal aperture. There was the tiniest of cracks on the left side, close to his socket.  

Edge’s mind began to race at the sight of the crack. He could only barely remember how he’d gotten the vast majority of his scars, but he knew they all hurt when they were fresh.

“i didn’t mean to!” Red hollered, running up to them.

Blue kicked at him, screaming again and barely missing his knee by a few inches.

Edge pulled his little brother back, away from potential harm by Blue’s flailing feet. “I know, Red, but you can’t throw things like that!”  He turned his attention back to Blue. “Shhh, it’s okay, Blue,” he said softly. “You’re okay; let’s get you cleaned up, okay?” He helped Blue to his feet. “Red, I want you to stay here and think about what you’ve done while I help Blue.”

Red sniffled and nodded, his gaze on his feet. Edge so wanted to scoop him up and remind him that these things happened but he needed to try to control himself a little better. He didn’t have time; he had to get Blue at least cleaned up before Rus and Gaster got home.

Thinking of Rus and Gaster only made his soul pound harder. Gaster was a great father, very kind and attentive to his two boys, and Rus was the kind of older brother Edge so wished he could be. The fact that Gaster even let Edge and Red stay in their home spoke to the kind of man he was, even if Edge did work for his stay. He cooked and cleaned and cared for the children, but he’d do it all four times over if Gaster asked it of him.

He set a still-sobbing Blue on the counter by the kitchen sink and turned on the faucet to wet a paper towel. After wringing it out one-handed, he tried to gently wipe at Blue’s face. Blue screeched louder and pushed Edge’s hand away.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Blue,” he said gently. “I’m not going to hurt you, buddy, but I need to get you cleaned up so I can see if you need a healer.” Stars, he hoped Blue wouldn’t need a healer.

Blue whined and looked up at Edge with bright, starry eye lights, but he nodded and let Edge do what had to be done. Gently dabbing the smeared marrow away, Edge could finally see the extent of the crack. It didn’t go through his bone like the one in Edge’s socket, thank goodness. It was only on the outer surface of the bone, but that surely didn’t mean it hurt any less.

It had stopped bleeding finally and soon Edge had the little guy all cleaned up. He took him to change his clothes and then set the boys in different rooms for time out, which only resulted in more screaming from children who were adamant that they were okay now and wanted to play. Red even kicked at him just before he shut the door to their shared room.

Both kids in time out, their muffled cries still echoing through the house, Edge found himself in the bathroom and locked the door. Sitting on the floor by the bathtub, he drew his knees up and let his head fall between them. He tried to wrap his arms around his head to block out the sound, but it was hopeless. Even among the cries from frustrated children, Edge could hear the memory of Blue’s painful screaming.

He was going to have a bruise, that was certain. Even if the crack were somehow miraculously healed by the time Blue’s father and older brother came home, there was no way to hide what had happened.

Guilt twisted in Edge’s soul. Would he really have tried to hide it? What kind of person was he? Gaster trusted him with his youngest child, and that was how he was going to repay his kindness? No, he had to be honest and let the chips fall as they may.

A tight sob forced its way out of Edge’s chest. He knew exactly how the chips were going to fall. This was all his fault, and if Gaster was even a fraction as smart as Edge knew him to be, he and his brother would be back out on the streets by tonight.

If it were only Edge himself, he could handle that. He’d made a mistake and he’d pay the price. What was killing him now wasn’t what he was going to lose. No, it was that his baby brother was going to have to pay that price right along with him. Red didn’t belong on the streets. He deserved to have a filling meal each night and a warm, safe place to sleep.

If there was a way to ask Gaster to please keep Red here, he’d do it, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know if it was selfishness or the knowledge that Red could be a handful, but he would not ask Gaster to care for his brother.

The sudden vibration of his phone in his pocket made him jump. He hurried to his feet and pulled out to silence the blaring alarm.

He swore under his breath and went to the sink to try to clean up. Rus and Gaster would be home within the hour, and he hadn’t even started anything for dinner.

Splashing some water on his face only marginally helped, but it was enough to calm the panic still aching in his chest. A few deep breaths later, he opened the door and went to let the kids know they could be free from time out.

Except both their doors were open and the two were playing quietly together in Blue’s room. He stood in the doorway and folded his arms across his chest.

“What are you two doing out of time out?” he asked, eyeing the both of them. The discoloration of a bruise was already starting to bloom around Blue’s left eye.

“You were in the bathroom crying for a long time,” Blue said sadly. “Are you okay?”

Stars, he was going to miss that kid.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Are you both going to be good now or do I need to separate you again?”

This time it was Red who answered. “we’re being good. i even said i was sorry.”

Well, that was something, at least. “Good. I’m going to start dinner.”  Hopefully he’d have enough time to at least enjoy it with the family.

Learning to cook had been an experience Edge would never forget. He loved being able to craft tasty dinners and treats, and having a stocked kitchen like he did here made it easy to decide on something to make. At least, most of the time. Now, as Edge surveyed the cupboards, he couldn’t think of a single thing. Nothing seemed good enough. The kids, and probably Rus, would go for something simple like chili dogs or chicken strips, but if this was going to be the last real dinner Red was going to have for a while, Edge wanted to make it count.

He still hadn’t been able to decide on anything by the time the door opened. Edge closed his eyes and gripped the side of the counter behind him to keep his balance as Blue shrieked in joy and went running down the hall.

“Daddy!” he cried, just like every day when Gaster and Rus got home, and Edge could imagine Gaster scooping him up just like always.

“Hello, there!” Gaster’s voice called out happily. “How are--oh my! What happened to your socket?”

“Red threw a toy at me.”

Edge hurried out to the living room to try to explain.

Gaster looked up at him, concern on his scarred features. “Hello, Edge,” he said calmly.

“It was my fault,” Edge admitted. “I wasn’t watching them as carefully as I should have. I promise you, Red has been punished.” He wouldn’t say that all he’d gotten was time out. He swallowed, suddenly hoping neither Gaster nor Rus would ask.

Red peeked around the corner, and Edge’s soul hurt at the expression on his tiny face. He had hoped and prayed so many times that Red wouldn’t remember what they’d been through before living on the streets, but that expression told him otherwise. Even if he didn’t remember specifics, he knew enough.

“i said i was sorry,” Red said softly, more a confession than a defiant statement.

To Edge’s surprise, Rus went over and kneeled down by Red. “of course you’re sorry, buddy. we don’t mean to hurt our friends, but sometimes we get cranky and it happens, right?”

Red nodded and reached out with both arms, a silent request for a hug. Rus scooped him up and hugged him tightly.

“are you okay?” Rus asked, bouncing Red lightly in his arms.

Red nodded, and the urge to pull him out of Rus’ arms was nearly overwhelming. Edge forced himself to stay where he was.

“And you?” Gaster asked, looking at Edge. “Are you okay?”

Him? “I--”

“He cried for a long time,” Blue said sadly. “But I couldn’t hug him because the door was locked.”

Edge swallowed thickly, his cheekbones heating up.

“Which door was locked?” Gaster asked curiously, an undertone of something perhaps more serious.

“The bathroom,” Blue replied. “He was in the bathroom.”

Tattletale.

Edge sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. He had to clear his throat before he could speak. “They weren’t alone for too long, Sir--I mean, Gaster.”

In truth, Edge had no idea how long they were alone. Probably more than an hour, which was entirely too long.

Gaster bent to put Blue down and then settled a hand on Rus’ shoulder. “Will you take the little ones to play for a moment? I’d like to have a word with Edge.”

Rus must have agreed because he coaxed the kids down the hall with promises of the best blanket fort in the world.

“Edge? Come sit down with me.”

Gaster didn’t touch him, not exactly. He reached out and almost set a hand on his shoulder like he did with his own son, stopping just before making contact. Edge only nodded and went with him to the living room. He knew what was going to happen next, and while he wasn’t prepared, he knew it was inevitable. It had been from the beginning.

They sat on the couch together, Gaster folding his hands in his lap.

“First and foremost, I want to assure you that I understand how you feel. Maybe not exactly, but close enough. I understand that bad days happen, especially when children are cranky. I can tell from Blue’s eyes that he didn’t nap today, and I’d say from what I saw of Red’s face that it was the same with him?”

Edge nodded, his gaze kept firmly on his knees.

“You’ve handled them so well, Edge, that I have no doubts you handled the situation today with care and love.”

That time Edge shook his head. He had to be honest. “No, I didn’t. They were alone in the bedroom and I didn’t even get up to check on them until they started arguing.”

“Why is that a bad thing?” Gaster asked.

Edge looked at him then, a little surprised. “Because I know how Red is. He’s got a temper when he’s well-rested, and today he was not.”

But Gaster smiled. “You’re right, he does have a temper. But that doesn’t mean you have to be there every moment to stop him from lashing out. What he needs is to learn that his actions have consequences and to understand that only he can control his anger.”

“But Blue--”

“Got hurt. Yes, he did, but that’s not your fault either. Not entirely. What I’m saying, Edge, is that I’m not going to kick you out or ask you to leave. Red needs a stable environment to learn how to control his temper, and you need a safe place to help teach him.”

Edge felt the tears begin to form in his sockets and tried to blink them away. He looked at Gaster for a moment before he could ask his next question.

“Why are you being so kind to us?”

Gaster smiled again, soft and comforting. “I know a thing or two about living on the streets, Edge. I never had a little brother to care for, though, and I can’t, in good conscience, let the two of you go back to that life.”

Edge nodded slowly, trying to wrap his mind around this new perspective. He and Red weren’t going to be homeless again. He sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I didn’t start dinner,” he finally said.

“Well, that’s a different story then, isn’t it?” Gaster said, a tease in his voice. “I suppose punishment will have to be cooking with me.”

“Oh no,” Edge deadpanned, “please, not that.”

He couldn’t hide a smile in the face of Gaster’s laughter, and together they went to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

[azhefa-archived]

i’m feeling emotional in this chili’s tonight so ima ramble for a second. as much as this show has made me frustrated and i got complaints. i will say i’m grateful for it and for this fandom. a lot of y’all know this already, but i have a super emotional attachment to roan and t100/rpc. i’ve been writing him for roughly four years, and i’ve been in this rpc for longer. writing roan has been extremely therapeutic for me. i used have a hard time accessing my emotions and expressing them, but when i connected to roan as a muse it really helped me during dark times. especially during the year my mom passed away. i really had a difficulty with bottling up emotions but i could come write and access them by connecting to how my muse feels. it gave me a healthy avenue to express myself when i couldn’t quite face my trauma head on. 

the experiences i’ve had here, even the bad ones, really taught me a lot and helped me grow. it gave me a space to explore things through fiction. it helped me come to terms with my sexuality and gave me an outlet as i’ve grown when i didn’t really have any other safe spaces or social connections. because of my chronic illness i don’t have very many offline friends, i’m pretty isolated and if i hadn’t had this community and my friends here i would have been a fucking lot lonelier and worse off. i know it’s cheesy but a lot of times, having this rpc and roan feels like it saved me. it was there when no one else was. y’all were here when no one else was. and it’s why i’ll probably be in this lil silly place until i’m like 50 years old. it’s a home for me and the friends i’ve made here are family. i genuinely mean that. 

so i guess i just wanna say thank you to everyone, whether you were here from day one, or have just joined recently. i’m really grateful for the experiences here and the space it has given me. roan has become a part of me i’ll always have. and i’m so grateful to everyone who gives me the ability to continue to explore his world and connect with him. 

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

it starts with a smile (Part 4)

Part 3

Warnings: it’s soft emo hours in this chili’s tonight, alcohol tw

Word Count: 1505

After your talk with Namjoon, an unknown number calls you around midnight, you don't answer, you're already in bed, but instead of sleeping, you're staring at the ceiling, your heart aching.

In a half hour, you're still not sleeping when your doorbell rings, startling you.

Your heart leaps into your throat.

It's not him, you tell yourself as you cinch your robe and go to the door.

It's not him, he wouldn't come, not even half drunk and horny, not after…

You hesitate before opening the door, and when you finally do, he's been leaning against your door, because he falls in backwards, knocking his head against the tile.

He blinks up at you owlishly. "Ouch."

You can't help but smile at his expression.

He stands up with some effort, stumbling a bit as he shuts your door with his whole body.

"Is he still here?" He asks stiffly, biting at the insides of his cheeks.

You cock your head at him. "C'mon, Joonbug. You know I don't do sleepovers," you say flippantly.

"You let me sleep over," he says, looking almost proud.

You sigh. "I thought you were cutting me off."

"I…" He swallows and sways on his feet a bit. "Fuck, I'm too drunk for this," he finally says, voice thick.

You're surprised into a laugh and he's just looking at you with glassy eyes and this huge dimpled smile and fuck, your chest hurts.

You hate this. You hate this. You've always hated falling in love because you feel too much, you feel too hard and it's always too much. And damn if you weren't blindsided by Kim Namjoon.

"You're so beautiful when you laugh, baby," he mumbles, and his hands come forward as if he wants to touch you but then he shoved them into his pockets, as if to stop himself.

"What are you doing here, Joonbug?" You ask, and you can hear how soft your voice is and it makes you feel weak and stupid.

He just stands there for a moment, throat working, and then he lets out this sigh, as if he's tired, exhausted.

"I can't sleep. I can't sleep no matter how much booze I pour down my throat because I want you so much."

"You could always take a cold shower," you drawl, and he shakes his head, exhaling a short breath from his nostrils.

He takes his hands out of his pockets and runs them through his hair, shaking his head.

"No. No, that's not how I mean. It hurts, how much I want you. My heart hurts." He puts one hand over his chest and you feel your face grow hot and full.

"Don't do this, Joonie. Please, don't do this to me," you warn, voice shaky, and you walk to your bedroom, breathing hard, pacing.

"I don't want to," he calls, following you with heavy steps, as if he can barely pick his feet up. "I know….I know this isn't what you want. I know that I'm not what you want."

He's biting the insides of his cheeks again and the look on his face makes you sit down on the bed and put your face in your hands.

"I'm sorry," he continues, sitting next to you hard, bouncing you a little on the bed. "I'm sorry," he insists, taking your hands from his face. "I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to fall in love with you."

Something too close to a sob catches in your throat and he's clutching at your hands like he's drowning and you can't look at him because you want to believe it so bad it hurts.

But he smells like a brewery and none of this happened until he got territorial over Jungkook and you have learned over and over to protect your heart.

You wrench your hands out of his and stand up to go to your closet, pulling out a blanket and pillow. "You're in no condition to go home. You can crash on the couch."

He just sits there with his head hanging down, shoulders slumped, and you can barely breathe around the lump in your throat.

You go to make up the couch but when you return he's still just sitting there, and when you take his hand he looks up at you with tears streaming down his face.

"What do I do now, baby? What do I do now when I love you but you don't want me?"

"Joonie, you don't love me. You're territorial and you're drunk and-"

You turn, tugging at his hand to try and lead him to the couch but he tugs back, pulling you into his arms, hugging you tight against him, his lips finding the bare skin of your shoulder.

"I am territorial. I am drunk. But I do love you, Y/n. I love you so much I don't know what to do with it."

You know you should struggle, know you should make him sleep on the couch but in his arms is the first time you'd felt like you could breathe easily in weeks.

"Joon, I-"

"You don't have to say it back. I know…" His voice breaks and he takes a deep breath. "I know this isn't what you wanted. But if you could…if you would just let me love you, just tonight…"

You can feel your resolve weakening, feel your lip trembling, and when you turn your head to catch his mouth with your own he lets out this pleased sigh and that's it. That's all the strength you have.

You can't fight it anymore, how his hands on your skin make you feel like a goddess, how his dimpled smile makes your heart leap, and the words that tumble out of your mouth are honest.

"I don't know how to let you love me," you mumble, and he lies you on the bed gently, letting out a shaky breath.

"It's okay. It's okay, baby. I'll show you."

He spreads open your robe and you expect him to touch your breasts, kiss your throat, but instead he tugs off his shirt and drops down on his forearms, cradling your face in his hands.

He's looking down at you, eyes searching your face like you're something fragile and previous, and he kisses your mouth so softly it elicits a whimper from your throat.

"I don't love you because I've been drinking, or because it makes me crazy to think of someone else's hands on you." His voice is low and soft and he's caressing your cheeks with his thumbs and you feel so much you feel like your heart will burst.

He kisses your mouth again, soft, barely parting his lips, before he continues.

"I don't love you because you make my dick hard or even because you're so fucking beautiful it makes my heart ache. I love you because you're you, baby. I love you because you snore a little when you fall asleep on my shoulder while we're watching a movie, and because you always squeeze my hand while we're waiting in line for drinks. I want to see what you look like in the mornings, want you wearing my t-shirts to bed."

"What...what if I let you love me, and then you stop?" You say, voice cracking, and he kisses you again, deeper.

"Oh, baby," he breathes. "Stop loving you? That's not something anyone can do."

He thumbs tears from your cheeks and he's smiling at you but a sob breaks from your chest.

"But they have. They have and I'm scared, Joonie. I can't....I can't let myself love you and then lose you. You already...." You hitch in a breath. "You already left me."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't know there was even a chance, and I couldn't..." He huffs out a breath, frustrated. "I couldn't keep loving you and think about you seeing other guys and wondering if you'd fall in love with someone else....it would've killed me." He rolls off you, and you instantly miss his warmth, his closeness, but he puts an arm around you.

"Are you...are you telling me there's a chance?"

He's breathing hard, you can feel his heart pounding when you put your head on his chest.

"You're too smart to be this stupid, Joonbug," you mumble, and you yelp in surprise when he grabs you to roll you on top of him, your nose bumping against his.

"Are you saying you love me?" He's grinning up at you, eyes bright and your heart fills so full it might burst.

"I'm saying of course you have a chance, you big dummy."

He kisses you again, his forehead bumping yours in his hurry and you laugh into his mouth.

You tuck your head into his neck and he strokes your back, his breathing evening out, and you're half asleep before he mutters, "You won't change your mind? You'll be mine now?"

"Only yours, Joon, if that's what you want."

But he's already asleep, hands locked around your lower back.

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part forty one/

Word Count: 6k

A/N: Ya’ll the amount of love i got for the last chapter was fucking incredible! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Here’s your birthday present, @zoenicoles! Enjoy! Let me know what you think!

Warnings: Nikki coming back from the dead, language, drugs, some cute nikki and vanity flashbacks

Taglist:  @brideofdraculana , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @anntheboneless, @tiranni, @venus-calum, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @are-we-real, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @baiabouk @awesomealmostdopestudent, @martabastic, @romanticvengeance , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy,  @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @swoopygorl, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @malibubarbievince, @iluvmesomemarvelndc, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer@electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist @emmaelizabeth2014, @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120@xrosegoldwolfx, @cranberribread. @fandomshit6000, @beachystars, @xstarryeyes, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @dillightfulpickle, @marvelismylifffe

December 23rd, 1987

I sat at the diner, waiting for someone else to come in. I had two hours left on my shift, and so far everything has been a complete shit show today.

I sat on the barstool with my legs crossed as my eyes gazed over to a teenage couple. The girl was wearing this flowy light pink dress, her hair was done up in a bun and had flowers poking out of the sides. She looked like a ballerina. Her boyfriend, he was wearing all black. Black combat boots, black jeans, black under shirt, black leather jacket. His hair was messy and he had a bulky skull ring on his finger. They were sharing a chocolate peanut butter milkshake together as they held hands. They reminded me of Nikki and myself.

I sighed as I turned around to face Lucia who was pouring salt and pepper into their respective shakers.

“I’m ready to go home.” I pouted as I rested my head in the palm of my hand.

“Why?so you can stuff your face with ice cream and cry yourself to sleep?” She outed me as I scoffed.

“Um, I traded ice cream for frosted animal cookies like a week ago, and I haven’t cried in a couple of nights, thank you very much.” I rolled my eyes as I watched her.

“You going home for Christmas?” She questioned as I shook my head, “No, mom took Greyson and Sage on a cruise until after New Years. So I’ll be by myself.” She looked at me with sad eyes.

“Stop, it’s fine. It’s all good.” I shrugged as I turned around when the bell rang over the door.

A group of drunk guys, awesome.

“Hey guys, welcome to-“ “Can we just skip straight do dessert?” The tall blonde asked, grabbing me by arm and pulling me to him. I was quick to shove away from him.

“Behave, all of you or get the hell out.” I spat at them. They laughed at their blonde friend before pulling him into the booth.

I took their orders and was walking to the kitchen, when another waiter, Jenny walked out. She had a tray full of food and bumped into me. The hot chili cheese fries going all over my apron.

I closed my eyes and exhaled, “I’m so sorry Vanity, I...I didn’t mean too, I’m so sorry.” She was repetitive, I think it was cause she was still new

“It’s fine, just clean it up and tell the customers it’s gonna be another Ten minutes.” I ordered as she was quick to do what I said.

I sighed as I pulled the apron off of me, throwing it into the dirty bin as I grabbed another one, “Here’s my orders Rubio.” I said, handing him the meal ticket.

I walked back out, seeing that Jenny was having a difficult time with her guests. I groaned as I walked over.

“Hi, what seems to be the problem?” I asked, “How long does it really take to get me my damn chili cheese fries? It’s not that damn hard to make!” He snapped at me.

“Sir, we apologize. But we make the freshest of fries. May I offer you a complementary beer?” I asked, motioning to the empty mug.

“I...I uh, yes I would like another one. Thank you.” I smiled at him as I handed the mug to her.

“Always, always offer them free beer. It calms them down.” I reassured Jenny.

“I’m going to take a smoke break.” I told Lucia as she nodded.

I grabbed my jacket and stepped outside. It was a bit chilly. I looked at the busy street of the sunset strip.

My mind drifted to Nikki, as it usually does the past month. He won’t talk to me. None of the guys will, not even T-bone. I tried calling Doc, but he tells me to let it go. I can’t just let it go. I need to tell him I-

“Vanity! Foods ready! And Nikki’s on the TV! Hurry!” Lucia yelled, frantically motioning for me.

“Nikki’s always on the TV.” I said as I grabbed the tray of food, she held the door open for me. “No! Look!” She said as she pointed up to the tv that was in the corner, we always kept it on MTV when Francisco wasn’t working.

We’ve received unconfirmed reports that Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx has died of an apparent drug overdose.

The tray of food slipped from my fingertips, Lucia was in my face talking but I couldn’t hear her. It was like everything turned off and the world stopped. I stared at the TV, seeing a video of him playing the bass.

“I...I have to go.” I stuttered, blinking away tears. I felt my heart beating in my ears.

“Okay, Van....lets just sit down, okay? Let’s take a bre-“ “Nikki’s dead?” I asked her, she looked at the TV as it wouldn’t stop playing.

“Maybe...maybe it’s just a joke and he’s-“ “That’s such a fucked up joke!” I yelled out but she hushed me.

“Come.” She said grabbing my hand and pulling me out the back door. The moment we stepped outside I kicked over a trash can.

“He can’t be fucking dead!! He-he can’t just leave me like that!! I...I have to go...I need to go find him.” I cried out, trying to walk back inside but the door wasn’t opening

“Why isn’t this god damn door opening!!” I sobbed, tears running down my face as I kept trying to open it. Lucia came over, looking at me with sad eyes again as she used her key to unlock it.

I took off my apron and my work shirt, as I had a undershirt on. I pulled on my jacket and grabbed my keys and purse, “I have to go! Just take care of everything!” I shouted at her, before running out the door and to my car.

I sat in my car, trying to calm myself down before I started driving. Nikki isn’t dead. He can’t be dead. He’s done so much god damn drugs he has to be immune to them by now. Right?

I became pissed off as I started slamming my hand against the steering wheel, “God damnit!” I cried in frustration. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel as I tried to control my breathing. I took a few seconds and then started the car and smoking cigarette after cigarette until I became lightheaded.

I turned on the radio to help keep me sane as the silence was killing me. But every Rock station was saying the same thing, Nikki Sixx was dead.

“Shut up!!” I screamed at the radio before changing the station once again. I started balling my eyes out when I heard Def Leppard’s “Love Bites”.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!” I sobbed, wiping my eyes with my shirt. He can’t be fucking gone! He can’t do this to me!

I pulled up to his house in Van Nuys, punching in the code to the security box. I waited until the gates were open and then drove up. I quickly turned off the car, jogging over to his front door and walking inside.

“Nikki!!” I yelled out for him, turning on the lights of his living room.

“Nikki! Are you here!” I yelled again, taking the stairs two at a time until I was walking down the hallway to his room, I pushed open the door. His bed was made for once, the leather jacket he always wears was laying on top.

I looked over to the closed doors of his closet. I shook my head, feeling my bottom lip tremble as I walked over to it. I opened the doors but he wasn’t in there. In his place were needles galore and enough alcohol bottles to make an alcoholic throw up.

I closed the doors before leaning against them, maybe he’s just out with the guys- the guys!!!! I need to get ahold of them!

I rushed downstairs to his kitchen, going over to the landline before picking it up and trying to call Tommy first. I waited patiently but there was no answer. I groaned as i hung up the phone

One by one, I had called Mick, Vince, Doc, And Tom. I even went ahead and called Motley’s body guard and their publicist. Not a single soul answered their phones. I put my head in my hands, leaning against the counter as I cried.

I forced myself away from the counter, dragging my feet up to his room. I felt as all time had stopped around me. Nothing felt real anymore. I opened the door to his bedroom, walking over to his bed before crawling into the middle of it. His black satin sheets smelt like his cologne, I clutched the pillow he sleeps on when we share the bed together.

*Flashback*

September ‘82

“Nikki?” My words were slurred as I tried keeping my focus on him. Ever since I came back from visiting my parents, I have a new found friendship with Mötley Crüe. They were pretty cool guys, except they always found a way to get me extremely fucked up, and tonight’s party at Nikki’s house was no exception.

“Yes, doll?” Nikki said, putting his hands on my waist to help keep my balance, “You good?” He asked, a look of concern written across his face.

“I don’t want you to think I’m lame, but I need to lay down.” I giggled as I gripped his shoulders. He smiled at me, before taking my hand and leading me up the stairs.

“Watch your step.” He told me, as I kept looking down at the stairs so I wouldn’t trip. He led me to a room and when he opened the door it was his bedroom.

I let go of his hand as I looked around his room. The furniture was a dark mahogany, the curtains were black and his bed sheets and comforter were blood red, “Do you want to wear the dress or one of my shirts?” He asked, digging through his closet.

“Can I have a shirt? This dress is suffocating me.” I said as I kicked of my heels and sat on his bed. I took a deep breath in and exhaled, god the room was fucking spinning.

He let out a laugh as he handed me the shirt, “uh...can you turn around?” I asked him, he nodded and faced the other way.

“I can tell T-bone to lay off the zombie dust and the blow if you want?” He asked as I started taking the dress off.

“Zombie dust yes, blow...no.” I said as I shimmied the dress down my legs before kicking it at him as I saw him try to turn his head.

“Hey! No peeking!” I shouted, stumbling onto his bed as I lost my balance.

He laughed, “I’ll see you naked one day, I’m not too worried.”

I put the shirt on, seeing that it was an old T-Rex shirt. I smiled, he always wore this one.

“And what makes you so sure about that?” I asked, trying to walk over to him. He turned around and faced me.

He shrugged, “I just know I will.” He smirked down at me, I hate that smirk of his. It’s so damn cocky.

“Don’t get your hopes up, Sixx. It’s never gonna happen.” I said, toying with the necklaces that laid against his bare chest that was poking out from underneath the half buttoned shirt.

My gaze met his glazed over eyes, he moved the curls out from my face. His hand rested against the side of my cheek as he lowered his head down, I tried taking a step back from him but he snaked his arm around my waist and wouldn’t let me go. He pulled me closer to him, my chest hitting his torso. I felt my heart race as he licked his lips. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his lips.

“Let’s get you in bed.” He whispered, he smiled before letting me go. I nodded quickly as he walked me over to the bed, pulling the blankets down so I could get in before he threw them on me.

I pulled them up to my chin as I watched him get undressed. I stopped watching, pulling the blankets over my head when I saw him undo his belt buckle. A few moments later, I felt the bed shift as he got in beside me.

“What are you doing?” I asked, peeking my head out and looking at him. He was on his back as he tilted his head over to look at me, “I’m going to bed, what does it look like?”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “But I’m sleeping here, can’t you go somewhere else?” I questioned, my tone coming off as snobby. He let out a laugh as he tucked his hands under his head.

“You’re telling me to get out of my own bed?” He asked, giving me a curious look.

“N-no, I just, You still have guests here...” I trailed off, still hearing the music from downstairs.

“They’ll leave when they’re ready.” He said, turning on his side to face me, as he took most of the blankets away.

“Hey asshole, give me some blankets.” I said, tugging them away from his grip.

“If we laid closer together we wouldn’t be having this issue, Princess.” I scoffed at his remarks.

“As if.” I rolled my eyes, “Stay on your side and don’t touch me.” I warned him as he grinned. I turned on my side and had my back facing him.

“You know, That’s the first time a chick has ever said not to touch her while she’s in my bed.” Nikki explained as I shook my head.

“Shut up.” I said, pulling the blankets up over my head, as an attempt to drown him out.

“How about you make me?” I heard him chuckle. I sat up in bed, “I’d rather sleep outside then in the same bed as you.” I took the blankets off but stopped when he grabbed my wrist.

“Okay, okay. I’ll stop, I’d rather you sleep in my bedroom than the guest room. People know not to come in here.” Nikki said, his grip subsiding as I laid back down.

“Stop looking at me.” I said through closed eyes, as i could feel him hovering over me.

“You won’t let me fuck you and you won’t even let me look at you...What do you want me to do? Just ignore you?”

“Who said I wouldn’t let you fuck me?” I smirked, opening my eyes as he studied my face.

“You just assumed that because I decline your advances and make you work for it.” I smiled in his face, gently patting his cheek as he exhaled deeply.

“Well, it’s annoying. You’re annoying.” He grumbled, plopping back down on his side of the bed.

“Once you get to know me, you’ll fall in love with me.” I told Nikki as he laughed.

“Alright drunky, I’ll be waiting for that day. Go to bed.”

*End Flashback*

That was the first night I shared a bed with him, the following morning was the first time out of many attempts to get into my pants. God damnit, Nikki. I sobbed into the pillow. How could he just be dead? I needed more time....I needed more time with him.

*next morning, Nikki’s POV*

I stumbled up the driveway, turning around to wave goodbye to the girls that had picked me up at the hospital. Did I really fucking die? Did I really shoot up that much heroin to cause my heart to stop beating and my body to shut down on itself?

I groaned as I bent over, grabbing the spare key from underneath the flower pot. My whole body felt like it was on fire my joints kept locking up on me. I walked over to the door, swinging it open as it unlocked. I leaned into the door, resting against it as I looked around the house. It was deathly quiet and it was rather cold in here, I should open up some windows.

My eyes darted over to the kitchen, my throat was dry and hurting. I needed some water, and then to pass out for a while.

I dragged my feet, feeling as if weights were attached to me. I hated feeling like this, but I did it all to myself. I gripped the kitchen counter, grabbing a cup before filling it up. I couldn’t control the trembling of my hand as the glass met my lips, I didn’t even care that half of the water was dribbling down my chin and onto my bare chest.

I put the glass down, gripping the counters as I stared down into the sink. I closed my eyes as I tried to collect my thoughts.

“Fuck.” I muttered to myself, shaking my head as I stood up straight and looked out the window to my back yard. I turned around when I heard a light gasp. Oh, Vanity. I am so fucking relieved to see you.

She stood across from me with puffy blood shot eyes. Tears were falling down her face as she covered her mouth with her hand, sobbing into it. My eyes widened at the pain written all over her face. Did she know what happened?

“Wh-what are you doing here?” I winced at how horrible my voice sounded, it was like going through puberty all over again.

“Nikki…” She croaked, taking hesitantly slow steps towards me. She reached for me, placing her hand on the side my face. I closed my eyes, feeling as if I was melting into her touch.

“You’re here…you’re alive….but, but all the radio stations and MTV…” She trailed off, getting choked up by more crying.

“Of course I am…the devil didn’t want to give up his throne just yet.” I muttered, breaking into a small smile, but she just stared at me and rolled her eyes as she wiped her face.

“Nikki! This isn’t a time to be fucking funny! I thought you were dead!!! The whole world thought you were dead!!” She weeped, choking on her own breath.

I was concerned, how long had she been here for? I wasn’t at the hospital long…I don’t think.

I had no time to react as Vanity hugged me, squeezing me tight, “Ow.” I moaned, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. I breathed in the scent of perfume.

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” I whispered into the top of her head as she continued to cry on me, feeling her hot tears drop onto my bare chest.

“What….What is that?” She trembled, pulling away as she brushed her finger over the giant dark purple bruise that was on top of where my heart lays.

I rubbed my eyes as I looked down at the bruise and her red nail that didn’t move away from it, “Adrenaline shots, it took two of them to get me back. Apparently the guy was a fan.”

My gaze met hers as she stared at me through teary eyes, “Nikki, I love you.”

I dry swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared at her, I couldn’t muster up any words to say. By the look and tears on her face, plus the glimmer of nervousness written all over, I could tell she was serious.

She stuttered, “I…I’m…I’m in love with you. And I am so sorry you had to die to make me realize it.”

She ran her fingers through her hair, “I spent the whole night crying. I…I came here after work hoping that it was a sick cruel joke but you weren’t here and the house was cold, and, and nobody would answer my calls, I know I fucked up and I’ve missed you so fucking much and I am-“

I swiftly kissed her, tasting the saltiness of her tears on our lips. I pulled away and rested my forehead on hers, “I love you too.” I pecked her lips once more, “So damn much.”

“Don’t ever leave me again. I don’t want to be without you…ever.” She warned as I nodded.

“I’m done with drugs. I’m done with letting everyone down and I’m done with being unhappy.” I told her, rubbing the back of my neck.

“I’m so sorry for everything with Slash. I don’t know why I was being like that…I should’ve just listened to you.” She looked down at the floor like a scolded child, “I should’ve never slept with him.” She added on, finally looking up at me.

“It’s fine.” I quickly brushed it off, I didn’t want to think of it ever again.

“He was with me, at the hotel when I Uh…” I started saying, but I was feeling as my skin was crawling. He was fucked up too, Stevens girlfriend had to get him in the shower to wake him up.

“I figured as much, he told me you showed it to him. Why would you do that? Just so he can ruin his life and body too?” I rolled my eyes as I leaned against the kitchen counter.

“Vanity god damn it….everything hurts right now okay? I feel like everything inside my body is burning. I don’t want to argue. Just-just can you please get me something? I’m starving.” I expressed. She looked at me, I couldn’t even begin to imagine the last time I ate, let alone took a shower

She nodded, “I have to go to the store then, you have no food….just stay here, shower and I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She said as she, grabbed her keys and jacket from the couch. She put my hand on his chest, “Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.” She repeated herself, I nodded as I watched her walk out the front door.

I stayed downstairs to hear her leave. When she drove out the security gates, I slowly walked up the stairs. Y’know, fuck the drugs. I don’t need them I can get clean. I can do the whole sober thing. I can do it, I want to do it.

I walked up to my bedroom, glancing in the mirror of the bathroom. God I looked fucking horrible, I looked like a zombie. I closed my eyes, shaking my head. I need to call everyone, she’s the only one that knows I’m not dead.

I sat in front of my telephone and recorded a new voicemail, “Hey…it’s me Nikki, I can’t come to the phone right now…because I’m dead.”

I cursed at myself as I stood up straight, eyes meeting the only place in the world I felt safe in, with my guns and drugs by my side.

I closed the doors behind me, sitting down on the floor as I melted junk on a spoon, over and over and over again. Until I felt nothing. I still didn’t feel nothing, I felt dizzy and numb. Fuck! I wish I can stop this self destruction, it’s not fucking fun anymore!

I stood up, wobbling around as I looked into the already cracked mirror, laughing at myself. My laughter soon turned to tears of pain, before a rush of anger went through me. I glared at myself before punching the mirror again, finally shattering it into a pieces. I grimaced as my knuckles were busted up.

I stumbled onto the floor, eyes half shut as I laid down. Maybe this way would be better. Maybe dying with my drugs and Tom’s guns and my rockstar clothes by my side. What a perfect way to be found.

*Vanity’s POV*

After a short while later, and an unexpected trip to work since Francisco had left me in charge over the holidays, I was back at Nikki’s.

“Nikki! I’m back! I tried calling and you need to change that god awful voicemail. That’s not even remotely funny!” I yelled out, putting the paper bags full of groceries on the counter. Hm, he must be in the shower.

“Nikki?” I called out as I walked up the stairs and too his bedroom. I didn’t hear water running, but I saw the doors to his drug haven were half open.

I exhaled, putting my hand on my stomach as I was becoming nauseous. I stared at the doors before walking over to them. Please don’t be in there. Please don’t be in there.

I pushed the doors open, to find him laying on the floor. A needle was still in his arm as blood was prickling down it.

“Oh, you son of a bitch. Wake up!” I yelled, lightly kicking his foot. I stared at him waiting for him to move but he didn’t. I furrowed my eyebrows as I dropped down to my knees in front of him.

“Nikki? Wake up.” I said as I patted his cheek and shook his shoulder. He finally groaned and a huge sigh of relief rushed over me.

He looked down at his arm, seeing a bent needle and blood dripping down as it puddled in his hand. I saw his eyes begin to water up, probably realizing he was still alive and he wasn’t going to to die so easily as the first time.

I stared at him. He needed the help, and I know he wants it. Heroin had him choking and injecting only made breathing a little easier. Now it was ruining him. Killing him. This use to be tolerable for everyone involved, including me. This whole time he was probably screaming for help and nobody listened to him. I didn’t listen to him.

He looked up at me, seeing that I was just as scared as he was. The tears in his eyes trickled out as he let out a sob, “Fuck!”

I cupped his jaw, his tears falling onto my hands, “Nikki, you need to go to rehab and you need to stay there for a while. Your addiction is too much for you to handle on your own. You have to go.”

“Ple-please don’t leave me.” He choked out, as he grabbed my hands. He cursed. “Shit blood, fuck, I’m sorry.” He moved his hands away from me, “I…I hit a mirror.” I turned my cheek and saw broken glass everywhere.

I looked down at my hands, feeling nauseous as I felt the warmth of his blood and the metallic scent hitting my nose, “Sixx, I was only gone for an hour and a half.” I mumbled as I wiped my hands on the shirt I was wearing.

My eyes wandered to the track marks that ran all across his body, I could only imagine the ones out of view, “I need help, Vanity. I can’t do this anymore…I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want this…” he cried as he grabbed the bent needle that was stuck in his arm, tearing it out of his skin before he threw it away from us.

“This…this shit is going to kill me..” he sighed as he laid back down, but rested his head on my lap. I ran my hands over his hair, trying to smooth it out. He sniffled a few times as I felt his tears soak into my jeans.

“This shit already killed you, Nikki. I told you to fucking stop months ago. You need serious help. You need a drug counselor, you need a therapist, you need all of it.” I expressed my dismay as I leaned over and kissed the side of his temple.

“Not just you, but the whole band needs to go. You all need help, Tommy is gonna be next if he continues.” I wiped my eyes, thinking about loosing any of them. Even Malibu Barbie, Vince.

“I-I know they’ll do it…Tommy will, if I go he will go too…” He trembled, “I’m sorry Van….I’m so sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry. I know you’re sorry, I know what I was getting myself into. I knew what I was signing up for from the moment this started, Nikki.”

He continued to rest his head against my legs, I noticed his eyes were having a hard time staying open, “I’ll call Doc…and we’ll have a group meeting and find a rehab. Please stay here…please. I need to throw all of it away.”

I looked around at all the drugs and paraphernalia that littered his closet, “You need to show me every spot in this house where you hid the drugs and I’ll get them out.”

“I love you, I love you so much.” He mumbled into my skin before weakly standing up. He walked over to a box and opened it up. I quickly closed it and took it from him. It took us over an hour to show where he hid everything. He hid it in his closet obviously, behind the headboard of his bed. The bathroom, taped in a plastic bag in the toilet. He had used rigs tucked away underneath the couch cushions in the living room. He told me he would buy in bulk, so he kept most of the drugs in the freezer so they would stay potent. I followed him around the mansion for over an hour with a trash bag.

When we were done, I took the trash bag to the can outside and then took the can to the curb outside his gate.

I walked back into the kitchen and immediately washed my hands, scrubbing away his dried blood as well as sticky heroin residue. When I was finished I rested my head in my hands, leaning against the sink as i took a moment to collect my thoughts.

Nikki cleared his throat, I turned around to look at him, “I’m… I’m gonna take a shower…” he said quietly as he looked at the floor, “Did you get food? I am really hungry. I haven’t ate in three days.”

I nodded, “Um yeah…I can make chicken Alfredo…it’s um-“ I stopped and laughed at myself, “It’s the only thing I know how to cook…” I trailed off as I saw his lips pull into a small smile.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He reassured me as I grabbed a pan and put it on the stove.

I felt his eyes following me as I searched for things around the kitchen, “Thought you were going to shower?” I questioned as he nodded.

“Yeah I am…just, thank you.” He said, trying to come near me but I stopped him by putting my hand on his chest, “Van, I’m sorry.” He pleaded with me, taking my hand off his torso and placing a gentle kiss as he smiled at me.

“Go shower, Nikki.” I said, taking my hand away from him. He soon left and went upstairs.

*an hour later*

I finished cooking as I scraped the bottom of the pan. I mean, can you really blame me? I never really learned to cook as Loretta always cooked every meal when I was younger and Tonya cooks for us back at the house.

But it tasted okay at least. It wouldn’t be served at a five star restaurant that’s for sure.

“Your phone won’t stop ringing.” I spoke to Nikki as he walked in and sat at the table, pushing bottles of alcohol to the side to make room for us.

“Yeah, well they can wait.” He said before stuffing his face with the food. I was waiting for him to react badly to it but he didn’t.

“This..is really fucking good. I didn’t know you can cook.” He said, mouth full of food. He was probably saying that to spare my feelings, and probably cause he hasn’t ate in a couple of days.

I laughed as I sat down next to him, “I don’t know how to cook. But I can make this, Mac and cheese, a grilled cheese sandwich, scrambled eggs, and a nice bowl of cereal.” I explained, as I poked the food around the plate.

He laughed as he wiped his face, “No, really this is good. Thanks for going to get groceries. I’ve been meaning to do it..” he trailed off, continuing to shovel food into his mouth.

“You should call doc, maybe the band…let them know you’re alive.” I suggested as he looked at me.

“I am, I will. But later.” He said as I shook my head, “After you finish, I mean it Nikki.” I ordered as he nodded and continued eating.

After we were both done, he went into the living room to make some calls as I stayed behind and tried to clean up his disgusting kitchen. It was like the counters have never been wiped down. I wiped my hands on a dish towel as I threw the remaining empty bottles away.

I heard yelling coming from the other room, he didn’t sound happy.

I heard him slam the phone down, then a bottle shattering, his foot steps found their way to me.

“Everything good, rockstar?” I asked, hopping up on the counter and taking a sip of my glass of wine.

“Everything is not all good.” He said, coming over to me and taking my glass before chugging it. He handed it back to me as I stared into the empty glass.

“They want us to leave for rehab already, starting tomorrow. I…I that’s too soon…i…can’t go.” He said, as he searched in a cookie jar and brought out a baggie of white powder. And I don’t think it was flour.

“Nik….just, you need to go to rehab.” I said, hopping off the counter, “I thought we got it all out…” I said quietly as I watched him dump some on the kitchen bar.

“You said heroin, not blow, it’s fine.” He smirked, as he cut a few lines, “If I have to go to rehab tomorrow, then I’m going out with a bang.” I scoffed at his words.

I grabbed a cup of water and dumped it across the counter, “Van! What the fuck!!” He yelled, trying to get the dry bits away from the water. While he was distracted, I snatched the rest of the baggie away from him.

“No! Give it back to me! Now!” He shouted, reaching out for it but I kept it behind my back, “No! You’re done! You get high on blow and then you’ll go looking for junk!! I know your routine, Nikki! And I’m not fucking doing it! You are going to rehab tomorrow!” I argued back.

“Oh fuck off! Give me my fucking drugs, now!!” I shook my head , “They can’t take me to rehab if I’m not here!” He yelled, grabbing the keys to his car.

“Baby, please don’t do this.” My voice was soft as he started walking to the front door, “You need to go to rehab and you need to get better.” I spoke as he threw the keys down on the couch.

“And what if I can’t!? What If I’m just gonna be a junkie for the rest of my life? I don’t know how to do this without heroin, it’s been with me for so long now….since fucking Razzle.” Nikki opened up as he sat down on the couch.

“You’ll get better, you’ll learn to live without it as much as you might hate it at first…” I explained to him, as I sat down on the couch with him.

“What if I can’t live without it, Van…I’ve only ever gone two weeks without it.” I sighed, running my fingers through his hair as he leaned back into the couch.

“I’m dying to see what a life with sober Nikki would be like.” I teased him as he tilted his head to look at me, “Are you now?” He asked, a loose smile appearing.

“You’ll stay by my side when I’m going through this?” He questioned, “Of course, babe. I’ll always have your back.” He nodded as he kissed the side of my cheek.

“I love you.” His eyes were big as he stared at me. His deep honey eyes were a lighter shade, usually they’re dark, cold and uninviting. They were warm; full of love and hope. I ran my hand across his jaw, pressing a kiss to his lips.

“I love you too.”