aboutitnot

[aboutitnot]

we had a good couple weeks.

well

it was okay.

it felt like the most normal we’ve been in a long time

whatever normal means.

but i don’t feel connected

i don’t feel allegiance to you really.

that’s what i’m finding.

that we can be nice and get along and do things together and it’s fun and okay

but i just don’t feel close to you.

not really.

trying to be whatever our normal is doesn’t come easy to me right now.

i’m trying my damndest to stay true to myself through all of this.

it’s kind of working.

i just feel like i don’t have anything left

and i don’t want to deal with it.

i don’t want to be here in separate rooms

i want your fucking time

but you only want me when it’s convenient.

no extra effort.

that’s fine.

this year i’m going to stop punishing myself when it comes to you.

fuck you and fuck that.

i’m worth it.

someone is going to show that to you.

they fucking better.

i’m going to show you.

bye. fuck you.

bye.

[aboutitnot]

he doesn’t like you.

he doesn’t want you.

you don’t mean anything to him.

if you did he would make sure you knew it.

he likes you well enough. that is enough. you are enough.

nothing more. nothing nothing nothing nothing.

[aboutitnot]

he likes me well enough. he sees potential and wants to reward my efforts.

but that’s it.

[aboutitnot]

i want to shake my crush.

i need to shake my crush.

learning more about him helps

it makes it easier to stop paying attention to him.

i want to shake it.

i need to.

nothing is ever going to happen.

it can’t.

and it won’t.

nothing.

over.

done.

[aboutitnot]

i got to talk to him today.

and others.

and it was really nice.

then i saw you later at home

and we talked a bit.

and i shared with you

even though i didn’t want to

and i didn’t like it

and i felt bad after

and you asked me for a hug.

so i gave you a hug.

and i didn’t recognize how you smelled.

it wasn’t familiar anymore.

it didn’t feel like home.

i felt myself shut down and disassociate.

and i could feel that it meant something to you.

i wanted it to mean something to me

but i don’t think it did. not really.

and i didn’t know when to be done.

i wanted to be done.

i told you i missed you back because it felt like the right thing to say

not because i meant it.

i don’t think i liked it.

it made me uncomfortable.

i dont think i want to do it again soon.

we have to spend the weekend together.

and i feel like throwing up thinking about it.

we have to spend new years together.

i think we’re going to fight.

because i’m going to dress up and have fun and drink and i don’t think im going to want to dance with you.

but you’ll be there.

you can do your own thing.

i’m going to have fun.

i think i’m going to need that weekend to recover from if we fight.

[aboutitnot]

i’m tired.

i don’t want to rely on you but i don’t feel like i have anyone else.

i feel like the only thing i want you for is to get drunk and have sex with me.

and i only want that because it’s been a while and im ovulating i think. and im obsessing over a crush.

i’m done with my crush.

it’s cringey.

it’s annoying.

it’s a terrible person to crush on.

i don’t like me when i’m crushing.

i need to act normally.

be normal.

no one is going to make a move on me.

it’s not reality.

i’m not going to hope for it or plan for it or try and figure out what i’m going to do about a non reality.

i’m done.

i’m over it.

i’m done.

i want to do new years.

i’ve always wanted to go out.

i want to do it.

i need to call my surgeon and get a therapist.

that’s the things i need to do.

then we go from there.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t know what to do right now.

i’m getting lost in my stories and i’m trying to find something real to cling to.

i feel lost. like i don’t have anyone.

i know what i’m doing it wrong. how im acting is wrong. it’s not fair and it’s not right and i don’t feel like me anymore.

i don’t know what changed but it feels like something did.

i’m tired.

i’m exhausted.

im angry.

i’m done.

[aboutitnot]

i’m craving more.

i’m craving different.

[aboutitnot]

i care about you.

i feel so horrible all the time.

i’m so hurt. so so so hurt.

it’s all built up so much, all the resentment and pain and all that’s happened in the last sixteen years.

i’m hurting you. i know i am.

sometimes i almost don’t care.

i need a release.

every part of my being is pulling me away. pulling me back to myself

severing all the ties, burning all the bridges left between us.

i’m being mean and an asshole and unfair and unkind and i’m just so fucking angry and i’m taking it out on you

even the parts of it that aren’t about you or about us.

and i know that it’s not fair. i know that i should be more patient and more forgiving and let it all go

but i can’t make myself.

i feel like something broke in me with you.

there’s something still there

if it’s real and right now or a shadow and a longing for something we had before

i don’t know

but there’s something lingering and itching and shining.

and then i feel the hurt. then i feel what feels more real

which is all the ways you’ve hurt me

in times past and recently.

i’m so sick and tired of being let down

in little ways and in big ways

and feeling bad about myself with you.

and i think it’s because we really don’t fit together

not unless it’s very specific things and i don’t want to do that anymore.

i can’t count on you. i can’t trust you to be there for me. i don’t want to do what you do. i don’t want to see the people you see. i don’t want to hear about your day. i don’t want to tell you about mine.

i’m so tired of trying to make it work because it doesn’t.

it doesn’t and i want something different and something more.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t know how to get past this.

any of it.

i’m so angry all the time.

i’m resentful.

i fucking hate it when you’re here.

it makes me crazy.

i hate how you act like everything’s fine.

i hate it.

i don’t want to fight with you anymore.

i’m tried of it.

i want to just do what i want.

i want to move out.

that’s what i want more than anything right now.

and i can’t talk to anyone about it.

you’re going to want to fight.

you’re going to make it about you

and maybe it should be but fuck that

i’m not dealing with you anymore.

i can’t fucking handle it.

i’m done.

i look at all the possibilities and even if none of them happen i don’t want to be with you.

i don’t want to have you in my future.

i don’t know what changed

maybe i did.

i don’t know.

i don’t feel like me.

i feel angry. mean. so fucking empty.

so fucking down. so fucking depressed.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t want to have you around.

i just don’t.

i don’t know how to be okay with you anymore.

i’m so angry all the time

i’m so annoyed

i’m so bitter and resentful that you get to have everything and i get fucking nothing.

i gave you all of me for so fucking long

and i’m done.

i’m done.

i don’t want to be around you.

i don’t want to play nice.

i don’t want to share my space.

my entire life is one room now and that fucking sucks.

i hate it here.

i hate it.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

being away from you gives me space to feel okay but when you’re here i can’t stand it.

i can’t stand it.

i hate how i am.

i hate feeling like this. i need fucking space.

i can’t think.

i can’t feel anything but angry.

i don’t want to be here.

i’m not scared.

i’m resentful.

i’m angry.

i don’t want to do things with you anymore.

it feels so shitty.

i don’t want to give you anything.

you can’t be trusted with me.

i can’t be trusted around you.

i need things that are mine.

stop eating my fucking food.

stop using my fucking things.

i don’t want to have to share a space with you anymore.

i want my stuff back.

i’m not sending you any fucking money.

when was the last time you did that for me?

when was the last time you did something big for me?

i can’t fucking remember.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m so fucking done.

i’m so angry and so resentful and so bitter and i’m just done.

[aboutitnot]

why don’t i like you?

do i like you well enough?

maybe.

but i don’t want to open up to you.

i don’t like how you are a lot of the time.

i don’t want to carry that.

i just want to be me.

i don’t want to rely on any one else.

i was happy when i got home.

i had a nice time out

talking to people and laughing.

then you came home.

and i tried.

i tried to be normal.

but i can’t make myself be me with you.

you don’t get that from me.

and i left feeling horrible.

again.

i need to prove i can handle myself on my own.

because i am never putting myself in the situation where i have to rely on you for me.

it’s just me now.

[aboutitnot]

we’re not talking.

we’re ignoring each other.

i’m ignoring you.

pulling away and making a distance that feels safer and more secure.

i’m stuck on the idea that moving out would be good for me.

plainly i can’t afford to right now. probably not for a while.

but i’m stuck on the idea and with how we are i feel like im teetering on the edge of calling it.

i feel as though i’m one more bottom line away from calling us through.

i’m angry and frustrated and you don’t and can’t a will probably never understand how what you did hurt me.

i can’t say that it was wrong, and i understand logically why you chose to do those things.

and the fact that it hurt and cut so deep and was such a bottom line that you crossed doesn’t phase you.

i don’t know how to get past it.

well, i do. but it involves forgiving and forgetting

and something about that doesn’t sit right with me.

i don’t want to get over it because it feels like it makes that behavior okay. and i don’t want it to be okay.

i don’t want to.

i’m not good at putting up a front and pushing myself to be okay when i don’t feel okay with a situation.

im not good at hiding my feelings.

it’s something to work on.

i shouldn’t have built up the resentment i did

i should have acted differently.

but i’m not okay.

and i’m hurting you deeply

and you’ve hurt me deeply.

i don’t want it to be a fight over who is more hurt or who has done things worse.

but i don’t want to share anything about myself or my space with you right now.

maybe it will change once i get through my degree.

maybe without the extra pressure i have i’ll have more space to be patient and kind again.

maybe we can be friends. maybe we can go somewhere that we both feel better about.

sometimes i crave what we had and how we were.

i do miss it. i miss feeling better about us.

but even our best wasn’t great for me. it was fragile. it was sharp. and it wasn’t based on anything deep.

we were built on the fact that we’re compatible in our manners.

that we both liked some of the same things.

that you were attracted to me.

but what else was there?

was i attracted to you? other than reacting and needing your attention and approval?

did i like hearing about your day? did you like hearing about mine?

did we work outside of a bubble with just to two of us?

i don’t know.

but looking back it was fragile.

and the fact that i could push it down and come back around after the sharp edges poked me held us together for a very long time.

when it came down to it, i was alone in my feelings.

and maybe you should have seen it coming.

our history hurt us.

we made mistakes. we were immature and struggling.

we hurt each other. we built our patterns on the outcomes of those immature reactions and decisions.

i’m not bad for wanting something more or something different.

i’m not going to talk past each other and defend my feelings to you.

they are what they are.

take it or leave it.

you’re not sorry for what you did to me.

i suppose im not sorry for what im doing to you.

i don’t want to make a rash decision under pressure in anger or fear.

that’s not right.

i need to be prepared for what comes next.

what ever that is.

[aboutitnot]

i have nothing to say to you anymore.

i just don’t.

i don’t want to talk or fight or anything.

i’m done.

you don’t have my back. you don’t.

i can’t trust you with me.

i won’t put myself in that situation again.

i won’t give you anything of mine. i won’t give you power over anything i have.

you can’t be trusted with it.

[aboutitnot]

would i still feel like this if i didn’t feel for someone else?

probably. but differently.

because even when i don’t think about someone else it feels bad to be with you.

i don’t want to do it anymore.

i don’t want to give up. have i already? maybe.

but i’m not ready to call it.

i think i will be soon.

what do we build towards?

i don’t want to go back.

what is there ahead?

there are twinges left over.

shadows and memories and ghosts in the walls.

but underneath it all is the fact that i don’t think i like you anymore.

we didn’t have enough of a foundation to fall back on.

it was superficial and only good when it was fun and easy.

anything hard and we crumbled. the bottom fell out between us.

we weren’t on the same page. we weren’t speaking the same language.

i’m better than i am with you.

i’m worth more than how you treated me.

i’m worth more than i put myself through.

and i just want to be done.

i want to move on.

it won’t be a clean break but i think i can make it last.

i don’t know where you are.

you can’t be okay.

i’m not okay.

but there’s nothing between us anymore. nothing concrete.

i don’t like you anymore.

that’s what i’m left with.

i don’t have patience anymore.

all my goodwill is gone. all my caring is spent.

i’m empty. there’s nothing left.

i want to be done.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t know how to feel differently.

i’m going numb

i’m feeling empty.

i’m a shell of a person.

i can’t feel excited or open or anything but anxious and frustrated and spent.

i’m so wildly depressed.

[aboutitnot]

it drives me crazy just being around you.

i don’t have anything to say.

i feel dead inside. numb.

empty and devoid of anything that made me myself before.

i feel completely hollow. broken. mean.

i feel angry and frustrated and annoyed and also just distant and uncaring and stressed and over it.

i can’t wait to not be around you anymore.

i don’t know what to do or say or how to act.

i just don’t want to do it.

i don’t want to deal with you anymore.

but i have to.

i can’t afford to live alone. i can’t afford a fucking divorce. not now.

i have to live in this shit. and try and find ways out of it. try to make it livable.

i sleep on a fucking couch. my whole world is a ten by ten room.

it’s not even our bedroom anymore. it doesn’t feel like that.

i feel like a ghost in there. like it should be familiar but i don’t recognize any of it.

and i don’t want to try and go back.

it’s not mine anymore. this is.

the house isn’t mine. it doesn’t feel like that. it feels like his and i just happen to share.

i’m getting to stressed i’m not eating.

i’m getting so stressed i have a fucking migraine.

i don’t want to fight.

i don’t want to interact.

i don’t want to have to listen to him around the house.

i want my own goddamn space.

i need money.

i need savings.

fuck this relationship and what’s it’s left me as.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m done.