aboutitnot

[aboutitnot]

he doesn’t like you.

he doesn’t want you.

you don’t mean anything to him.

if you did he would make sure you knew it.

he likes you well enough. that is enough. you are enough.

nothing more. nothing nothing nothing nothing.

[aboutitnot]

he likes me well enough. he sees potential and wants to reward my efforts.

but that’s it.

[aboutitnot]

i want to shake my crush.

i need to shake my crush.

learning more about him helps

it makes it easier to stop paying attention to him.

i want to shake it.

i need to.

nothing is ever going to happen.

it can’t.

and it won’t.

nothing.

over.

done.

[aboutitnot]

i got to talk to him today.

and others.

and it was really nice.

then i saw you later at home

and we talked a bit.

and i shared with you

even though i didn’t want to

and i didn’t like it

and i felt bad after

and you asked me for a hug.

so i gave you a hug.

and i didn’t recognize how you smelled.

it wasn’t familiar anymore.

it didn’t feel like home.

i felt myself shut down and disassociate.

and i could feel that it meant something to you.

i wanted it to mean something to me

but i don’t think it did. not really.

and i didn’t know when to be done.

i wanted to be done.

i told you i missed you back because it felt like the right thing to say

not because i meant it.

i don’t think i liked it.

it made me uncomfortable.

i dont think i want to do it again soon.

we have to spend the weekend together.

and i feel like throwing up thinking about it.

we have to spend new years together.

i think we’re going to fight.

because i’m going to dress up and have fun and drink and i don’t think im going to want to dance with you.

but you’ll be there.

you can do your own thing.

i’m going to have fun.

i think i’m going to need that weekend to recover from if we fight.

[aboutitnot]

i’m tired.

i don’t want to rely on you but i don’t feel like i have anyone else.

i feel like the only thing i want you for is to get drunk and have sex with me.

and i only want that because it’s been a while and im ovulating i think. and im obsessing over a crush.

i’m done with my crush.

it’s cringey.

it’s annoying.

it’s a terrible person to crush on.

i don’t like me when i’m crushing.

i need to act normally.

be normal.

no one is going to make a move on me.

it’s not reality.

i’m not going to hope for it or plan for it or try and figure out what i’m going to do about a non reality.

i’m done.

i’m over it.

i’m done.

i want to do new years.

i’ve always wanted to go out.

i want to do it.

i need to call my surgeon and get a therapist.

that’s the things i need to do.

then we go from there.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t know what to do right now.

i’m getting lost in my stories and i’m trying to find something real to cling to.

i feel lost. like i don’t have anyone.

i know what i’m doing it wrong. how im acting is wrong. it’s not fair and it’s not right and i don’t feel like me anymore.

i don’t know what changed but it feels like something did.

i’m tired.

i’m exhausted.

im angry.

i’m done.

[aboutitnot]

i’m craving more.

i’m craving different.

[aboutitnot]

i care about you.

i feel so horrible all the time.

i’m so hurt. so so so hurt.

it’s all built up so much, all the resentment and pain and all that’s happened in the last sixteen years.

i’m hurting you. i know i am.

sometimes i almost don’t care.

i need a release.

every part of my being is pulling me away. pulling me back to myself

severing all the ties, burning all the bridges left between us.

i’m being mean and an asshole and unfair and unkind and i’m just so fucking angry and i’m taking it out on you

even the parts of it that aren’t about you or about us.

and i know that it’s not fair. i know that i should be more patient and more forgiving and let it all go

but i can’t make myself.

i feel like something broke in me with you.

there’s something still there

if it’s real and right now or a shadow and a longing for something we had before

i don’t know

but there’s something lingering and itching and shining.

and then i feel the hurt. then i feel what feels more real

which is all the ways you’ve hurt me

in times past and recently.

i’m so sick and tired of being let down

in little ways and in big ways

and feeling bad about myself with you.

and i think it’s because we really don’t fit together

not unless it’s very specific things and i don’t want to do that anymore.

i can’t count on you. i can’t trust you to be there for me. i don’t want to do what you do. i don’t want to see the people you see. i don’t want to hear about your day. i don’t want to tell you about mine.

i’m so tired of trying to make it work because it doesn’t.

it doesn’t and i want something different and something more.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t know how to get past this.

any of it.

i’m so angry all the time.

i’m resentful.

i fucking hate it when you’re here.

it makes me crazy.

i hate how you act like everything’s fine.

i hate it.

i don’t want to fight with you anymore.

i’m tried of it.

i want to just do what i want.

i want to move out.

that’s what i want more than anything right now.

and i can’t talk to anyone about it.

you’re going to want to fight.

you’re going to make it about you

and maybe it should be but fuck that

i’m not dealing with you anymore.

i can’t fucking handle it.

i’m done.

i look at all the possibilities and even if none of them happen i don’t want to be with you.

i don’t want to have you in my future.

i don’t know what changed

maybe i did.

i don’t know.

i don’t feel like me.

i feel angry. mean. so fucking empty.

so fucking down. so fucking depressed.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t want to have you around.

i just don’t.

i don’t know how to be okay with you anymore.

i’m so angry all the time

i’m so annoyed

i’m so bitter and resentful that you get to have everything and i get fucking nothing.

i gave you all of me for so fucking long

and i’m done.

i’m done.

i don’t want to be around you.

i don’t want to play nice.

i don’t want to share my space.

my entire life is one room now and that fucking sucks.

i hate it here.

i hate it.

i don’t want to do this anymore.

being away from you gives me space to feel okay but when you’re here i can’t stand it.

i can’t stand it.

i hate how i am.

i hate feeling like this. i need fucking space.

i can’t think.

i can’t feel anything but angry.

i don’t want to be here.

i’m not scared.

i’m resentful.

i’m angry.

i don’t want to do things with you anymore.

it feels so shitty.

i don’t want to give you anything.

you can’t be trusted with me.

i can’t be trusted around you.

i need things that are mine.

stop eating my fucking food.

stop using my fucking things.

i don’t want to have to share a space with you anymore.

i want my stuff back.

i’m not sending you any fucking money.

when was the last time you did that for me?

when was the last time you did something big for me?

i can’t fucking remember.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m so fucking done.

i’m so angry and so resentful and so bitter and i’m just done.

[aboutitnot]

why don’t i like you?

do i like you well enough?

maybe.

but i don’t want to open up to you.

i don’t like how you are a lot of the time.

i don’t want to carry that.

i just want to be me.

i don’t want to rely on any one else.

i was happy when i got home.

i had a nice time out

talking to people and laughing.

then you came home.

and i tried.

i tried to be normal.

but i can’t make myself be me with you.

you don’t get that from me.

and i left feeling horrible.

again.

i need to prove i can handle myself on my own.

because i am never putting myself in the situation where i have to rely on you for me.

it’s just me now.

[aboutitnot]

we’re not talking.

we’re ignoring each other.

i’m ignoring you.

pulling away and making a distance that feels safer and more secure.

i’m stuck on the idea that moving out would be good for me.

plainly i can’t afford to right now. probably not for a while.

but i’m stuck on the idea and with how we are i feel like im teetering on the edge of calling it.

i feel as though i’m one more bottom line away from calling us through.

i’m angry and frustrated and you don’t and can’t a will probably never understand how what you did hurt me.

i can’t say that it was wrong, and i understand logically why you chose to do those things.

and the fact that it hurt and cut so deep and was such a bottom line that you crossed doesn’t phase you.

i don’t know how to get past it.

well, i do. but it involves forgiving and forgetting

and something about that doesn’t sit right with me.

i don’t want to get over it because it feels like it makes that behavior okay. and i don’t want it to be okay.

i don’t want to.

i’m not good at putting up a front and pushing myself to be okay when i don’t feel okay with a situation.

im not good at hiding my feelings.

it’s something to work on.

i shouldn’t have built up the resentment i did

i should have acted differently.

but i’m not okay.

and i’m hurting you deeply

and you’ve hurt me deeply.

i don’t want it to be a fight over who is more hurt or who has done things worse.

but i don’t want to share anything about myself or my space with you right now.

maybe it will change once i get through my degree.

maybe without the extra pressure i have i’ll have more space to be patient and kind again.

maybe we can be friends. maybe we can go somewhere that we both feel better about.

sometimes i crave what we had and how we were.

i do miss it. i miss feeling better about us.

but even our best wasn’t great for me. it was fragile. it was sharp. and it wasn’t based on anything deep.

we were built on the fact that we’re compatible in our manners.

that we both liked some of the same things.

that you were attracted to me.

but what else was there?

was i attracted to you? other than reacting and needing your attention and approval?

did i like hearing about your day? did you like hearing about mine?

did we work outside of a bubble with just to two of us?

i don’t know.

but looking back it was fragile.

and the fact that i could push it down and come back around after the sharp edges poked me held us together for a very long time.

when it came down to it, i was alone in my feelings.

and maybe you should have seen it coming.

our history hurt us.

we made mistakes. we were immature and struggling.

we hurt each other. we built our patterns on the outcomes of those immature reactions and decisions.

i’m not bad for wanting something more or something different.

i’m not going to talk past each other and defend my feelings to you.

they are what they are.

take it or leave it.

you’re not sorry for what you did to me.

i suppose im not sorry for what im doing to you.

i don’t want to make a rash decision under pressure in anger or fear.

that’s not right.

i need to be prepared for what comes next.

what ever that is.

[aboutitnot]

i have nothing to say to you anymore.

i just don’t.

i don’t want to talk or fight or anything.

i’m done.

you don’t have my back. you don’t.

i can’t trust you with me.

i won’t put myself in that situation again.

i won’t give you anything of mine. i won’t give you power over anything i have.

you can’t be trusted with it.

[aboutitnot]

would i still feel like this if i didn’t feel for someone else?

probably. but differently.

because even when i don’t think about someone else it feels bad to be with you.

i don’t want to do it anymore.

i don’t want to give up. have i already? maybe.

but i’m not ready to call it.

i think i will be soon.

what do we build towards?

i don’t want to go back.

what is there ahead?

there are twinges left over.

shadows and memories and ghosts in the walls.

but underneath it all is the fact that i don’t think i like you anymore.

we didn’t have enough of a foundation to fall back on.

it was superficial and only good when it was fun and easy.

anything hard and we crumbled. the bottom fell out between us.

we weren’t on the same page. we weren’t speaking the same language.

i’m better than i am with you.

i’m worth more than how you treated me.

i’m worth more than i put myself through.

and i just want to be done.

i want to move on.

it won’t be a clean break but i think i can make it last.

i don’t know where you are.

you can’t be okay.

i’m not okay.

but there’s nothing between us anymore. nothing concrete.

i don’t like you anymore.

that’s what i’m left with.

i don’t have patience anymore.

all my goodwill is gone. all my caring is spent.

i’m empty. there’s nothing left.

i want to be done.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t know how to feel differently.

i’m going numb

i’m feeling empty.

i’m a shell of a person.

i can’t feel excited or open or anything but anxious and frustrated and spent.

i’m so wildly depressed.

[aboutitnot]

it drives me crazy just being around you.

i don’t have anything to say.

i feel dead inside. numb.

empty and devoid of anything that made me myself before.

i feel completely hollow. broken. mean.

i feel angry and frustrated and annoyed and also just distant and uncaring and stressed and over it.

i can’t wait to not be around you anymore.

i don’t know what to do or say or how to act.

i just don’t want to do it.

i don’t want to deal with you anymore.

but i have to.

i can’t afford to live alone. i can’t afford a fucking divorce. not now.

i have to live in this shit. and try and find ways out of it. try to make it livable.

i sleep on a fucking couch. my whole world is a ten by ten room.

it’s not even our bedroom anymore. it doesn’t feel like that.

i feel like a ghost in there. like it should be familiar but i don’t recognize any of it.

and i don’t want to try and go back.

it’s not mine anymore. this is.

the house isn’t mine. it doesn’t feel like that. it feels like his and i just happen to share.

i’m getting to stressed i’m not eating.

i’m getting so stressed i have a fucking migraine.

i don’t want to fight.

i don’t want to interact.

i don’t want to have to listen to him around the house.

i want my own goddamn space.

i need money.

i need savings.

fuck this relationship and what’s it’s left me as.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m done.

[aboutitnot]

fuck you.

i don’t like you.

i don’t want to be around you.

you’re not nice to me in the ways that matter

and i can’t bring myself to be patient with you.

fuck you.

i’m done.

this is the last time i’m going to do this with you.

i’m done.

i’m saving all my money from here on out.

i’m scrounging.

going sober.

working out.

and getting he fuck out of here.

i’m going to get my own bed in my own space

and i’m not going to deal with you anymore.

this was the last time i needed to hide how things are

from now on i’m taking care of me.

i’m not going to worry about it care about you.

it doesn’t matter.

i didn’t want to hold your hand today.

i wanted to be on my own.

i didn’t like to talk to you.

you can’t be with me

you never could. ever. not even fucking once could you just sit and be focused on me.

not once. not ever. fuck you.

fuck you fuck you fuck you.

i’ve have two absolute bottom lines be crossed.

you called my mom.

you brought her into this train wreck.

and you’re not even sorry.

you’re not apologetic.

fuck you.

i’m not telling you anything anymore.

you get nothing from me you asshole.

and you took me off of the ring.

becuase you were mad.

you took away part of the security of where we. i. live.

fuck you.

you tried to give it back.

i don’t fucking want it.

i’m not going to put myself in a situation where my safety and security can be taken away just because you’re upset.

fuck you.

i’m done.

i’m so fucking done.

i’m not drinking with you anymore.

if we have sex it’s not going to mean anything.

i’m going to fucking use you and it’s going to be terrible.

i shouldn’t do it

but you’re my only fucking option.

i’m not a cheater.

i’m not a home wrecker.

so i have to have sex with him. that’s all i fucking get.

someone i can’t stand. someone i don’t fucking care about. someone who can’t be kind to me.

who can’t just be with me. who never could.

i need to stop myself. i need to put up that boundary even if it sucks.

we’re not having sex.

we’re not.

i’m not dressing for him anymore.

it’s for me. its because i want to look fucking amazing and let everyone know that i’m fucking worth it.

if he can’t handle me being me then he can fuck right off.

i’m going to look great because i look great.

i don’t fucking care what he thinks. he’s an asshole who’s never satisfied and can only find fault in everything.

he’s just a fucking guy.

just another fucking guy.

and i’m done asking for his permission or approval.

or looking for his attention.

because i’m done.

it doesn’t matter what the fuck i do.

he’s still an asshole.

and i’m still worthwhile.

i’m not going to beg for approval or attention anymore.

if he wants me he can fucking put in the effort.

and he’s not ever going to.

he’s going to skate by on the minimum.

be kind when it suits him.

ignore me unless he wants to get his fucking dick wet.

because he’s just a fucking guy.

i’m nothing else to him. nothing else.

fuck that.

i’m done trying. there’s nothing there worth trying for. i’m done.

i’m so fucking done.

i don’t want to spend another holiday like this.

i don’t want to go to bed like this every night.

i want to sleep in a bed.

i want to have my own space.

i don’t want to work around him anymore.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m done.

this is the year we break up.

this is the year i say goodbye.

i’m not doing this anymore.

it’ll probably be the summer. or earlier.

but i should give it until then.

i need to get through my degree.

i need to pay off my surgery.

but i can make due on just a little.

i don’t need new things.

i just need to get rid of the old ones and start fresh.

i’m not going to drink anymore with him.

not after this. its not fun. it feels bad.

fuck him.

i would use him like i guess i have been.

but it hasn’t meant anything more to me for a long time.

i don’t remember the last time that i felt connected. together. a team.

i don’t remember our fights either.

i just want to be done.

i want it to be over.

maybe i’m getting ready to call it.

something in me broke. and since then it’s only been a matter of time.

but before that even. when i was upset and running through all the worst that could happen

and then in that i said that i wanted a divorce.

as i was playing out all the worst scenarios to get myself through them

and god the relief that flooded over me when i said those words.

the weight that lifted off of me.

the peace from admitting it and letting it be put out there.

i can’t forget that.

i have known for a very long time that we have an expiration date.

i guess it’s now.

it’s passed.

the best years are behind us.

and i don’t want to wait around until he finds something he likes more to leave this for.

i would rather leave on my own. and cut all ties.

and go no contact completely.

i bet i could cut him off pretty securely.

maybe i’d even move.

who knows.

i don’t want to be angry and resentful anymore.

he should be happy.

and i don’t want to have to suffer for it anymore.

we don’t fucking fit.

we never really did.

and it sucks and it hurts but fuck that.

i lost myself and i built myself around a person who would not do that for me.

who would not be there for me.

and looking forward to all the things that life has

i just don’t want to do them with him.

maybe i could find other people.

but i don’t want to do them with him.

it feels so shitty.

so shitty.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m tried and i’m drunk and i don’t want to fight anymore and i don’t want to feel bad about myself the way he makes me feel bad and i just want to be done with it all.

i want to have the chance to experience someone else.

i don’t want a partner.

i don’t want anything like that.

i want an escape. i want a fantasy.

i want something that doesn’t really matter.

because i’m done making myself into something im not just to chase the approval and attention of someone who doesn’t fucking care about me.

fuck that.

fuck you.

i don’t like you.

you bug me. you annoy me. and frustrate me.

there’s history and when i’m drunk i do things that sober me would hate.

i don’t think you realize how much of our relationship has been held together by things i put myself through when im drunk.

drunk me would let you fuck me.

sober me wants to move out.

drunk me makes out with you.

sober me doesn’t want you to touch me.

i need to be done with us.

i can’t keep pushing for something that feels so bad and that there’s no good coming from.

i’m done. i need to be done.

i need to not think about you and not worry about you.

i don’t want to talk to you or plan with you or share anything with you.

i don’t want you to know me. or feel like you have any entitlement to me because you fucking don’t.

i need to take you off my documents. you don’t have any right to them. and i don’t trust you to do the right thing.

fuck you.

i love you and i miss you and im so fucking done.