aboutitnot

[aboutitnot]

maybe this is as good as it gets for anyone

maybe it just is.

you can’t build a life on magic and fleeting fancies

but it doesn’t stop me from wanting more.

what did we build a life on?

not going through particularly difficult things

and spending time together.

but now we’ve gone through tough things

and we’re not together.

i grew apart

you did too.

i got angry

so did you.

there’s history but it hurts.

we can have patience with each other

and i don’t like talking to you about anything that matters to me.

i never really did.

there is a way to get what i want

but i don’t really want it

and it would cost me just about everything.

[aboutitnot]

when i’m upset i can’t lean on you.

you don’t take me seriously and don’t support me.

i’m on my own.

i’m so mad and annoyed with you

this whole year,

this whole situation with you and me and everything we went through

really just highlighted how much we drifted.

how mismatched we came to be and how much i hated it.

[aboutitnot]

i’m so frustrated and i take it out on you.

i’m frustrated with myself

and annoyed that everything with us

i’ve let it get to me so bad this year.

i’m so so so mad that you can’t support me in the way i need you to

even when i ask

even when i am so clear it hurts me

you can’t.

and it hurts.

it sucks.

it makes me sick with anger and resentment

and it makes me want to scream and cry and yell at you

and tell you i hate you and i hate this and i hate it all

and i just want freedom.

and maybe once this is all over i can find peace

but i’ll always remember this.

i’ll always remember how you let me down and left me to fail

and i’ll always remember falling and having to pick myself up on my own

and how alone i am

and how right i was.

and how this whole thing broke something in me with you

and i don’t know if i want to build it back

even if i could.

[aboutitnot]

i’ve been horny for a little bit

just constantly desperate for it.

connection, fucking.

feeling good.

i felt pangs of wanting to do it with you

we have before.

there’s been good times.

but lately it’s disappointing.

i’m not turned on by you like at all.

almost the opposite.

i want you to turn me on

i like having my breasts touched, enjoyed

but it really kinda put me off when you did last night.

i was wine drunk

sitting in front of you.

feeling cute

tiny top on

and my chest looked awesome.

so of course you were staring.

but when you put your hands on me

it just

felt like nothing.

annoying.

like i could tell you were enjoying it

but it felt very transactional.

like here

touch a breast

get yourself off.

i felt very removed from it.

like you didn’t like me just my breasts.

because you don’t really like me

and we don’t have a connection

and i don’t want to ask you about things

and i don’t want you to use my body to get off.

use someone else.

i don’t know.

i’m sure it’s a mix of different things.

i don’t have a ton of actual sensation there anymore like i used to.

it used to feel really good

now it’s just kinda meh.

so i’m sure that’s a big part of the disconnect

but even then

even when you touch my neck or my waist or my legs

i just

don’t want it.

it feels lecherous.

i like things.

i like to kiss

to be kissed.

i like to be fawned over

obsessed over

loved.

but i don’t feel like that with you.

i feel used.

you don’t do much for me at all.

you turn me off.

i want to be hot and fun and not with you.

i can do my own thing.

i’m hot as hell.

i never thought i’d get here

to a place where i want almost meaningless sex

instead of sharing with you like i always did.

i want to have experiences with someone that makes my heart skip a beat

and my breath catch

and my body light on fire with touch.

i’ve already gotten crushes that make me feel like that

it’s possible with someone else.

people fall head over heels for people all the time

someone could feel like that for me.

i don’t know what action i can take from any of this.

but i want to drink less.

i want to celebrate and enjoy my time.

i don’t want to do things with him that aren’t planned out

no just hanging out.

no dinners out

because we have nothing to talk about

and frankly i just really don’t like it.

and i don’t want to.

i’ll say no to those.

i need to follow my body and listen to it

not push myself when i feel bad.

if i get horny enough maybe we’ll have sex

but i don’t want you to touch me.

i want to get fucked in a way that feels good.

oh my gosh i need to get fucked so bad

[aboutitnot]

this is the first year we’re not doing anything for our anniversary.

i don’t really want to either.

i didn’t even think to get you anything.

you wanted to plan something a few weeks ago, but i shut that down.

we spent the entire weekend together

and i barely wanted to touch you.

when i did it felt strange.

i wanted to want it but i didn’t.

i didn’t think much about myself.

i’m just not excited to spend time with you anymore.

i don’t really want to share things with you.

i want to get through this work,

i want to do what i need to do and celebrate when i’m done, but i don’t want to do it with you.

like i really don’t.

enough to make me not want to do anything because i’ll have to do it with you.

i wonder how much of my depression is from being with you sucking the life out of me.

i used to be happy, sometimes.

i used to look forward to things with you.

now we’re not close.

we’re barely friends it feels like.

i wouldn’t call you mine and i haven’t been one to you.

i’m losing myself in fake worlds and stories because it’s far better than what i have for real.

my head hurts.

i want to be free.

[aboutitnot]

you’re going to miss him.

that’s okay.

it wasn’t all bad.

it’s okay to miss things

it’s normal to feel sad.

you’re grieving.

but no one ever died from missing someone

and he doesn’t miss you.

it’s hard to be on your own after so long.

it’s worse to be stuck with someone that makes you feel like shit all the time.

it’s hard to miss the easy things

but it’s worse to go to bed angry and cry and be alone in your own home.

it hurts to end it.

but it would have hurt you worse to stay.

you’ll be okay.

it’s not the end for you.

cut it off completely.

block him out.

no going back.

don’t let him string you along anymore.

don’t let him keep you on the hook like he always did.

you’re a better person without his negativity.

without him dragging you down

without having to make excuses for him

your stomach in knots.

you can do what you want now.

anything.

make friends.

make mistakes.

be yourself without him stifling you.

it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling

but you’re going to be okay.

you are enough.

[aboutitnot]

we don’t fit.

we don’t fit.

i don’t want this.

we don’t fit.

[aboutitnot]

i want us to get better.

i think.

but i don’t know how.

i feel bad with you.

this is it.

this is all it will ever be now.

life doesn’t get easier

and i can’t count on you to be by my side

and take care of me when it counts.

i don’t want this.

you don’t have my back.

you’re not nice to me.

i’m done.

i’m done.

i’m tired and i’m mean.

i’m spent.

i’m exhausted.

i push you too hard because i don’t care if i get it right anymore.

fuck you.

bye.

you’re not trying to keep me.

not in a way that matters.

do whatever the fuck you want.

i’m done.

i want to be done.

[aboutitnot]

i’m so fucking mad at you.

you make me so fucking angry.

so so so angry.

i’m so full of resentment i can’t fucking stand it.

[aboutitnot]

i could let go of my resentment

i could relax and let you in

but i really don’t want to.

it keeps biting me.

i keep getting that sick sinking feeling

forcing myself to be pliant

to hold you

to kiss you

and i really don’t want to.

i want space.

i want my own life back

if i ever even had it.

i feel stuck.

i feel trapped.

i feel like i don’t know what i want

but i know what i don’t want.

i don’t know if that’s you.

it’s convenient to have you around

a default person to do things with

a default partner to be around

but what if i don’t want that anymore?

what if the reality and the feeling have strayed from that?

i feel so shitty with you so often.

you let me down so much.

what good is there to chase?

i don’t know.

i don’t know.

[aboutitnot]

it’s such a habit to hide the pain and the discomfort

to choke down my own feelings and bury them

to try and support the peace of those around me.

i don’t remember everything that you did

but remember how you made me feel.

you made me feel worthless.

disposable. an accessory.

to be used and discarded

ignored until wanted.

you used me.

took advantage of my body and my nature.

maybe you didn’t realize it.

maybe sometimes you did.

i don’t know.

i don’t know that i care.

your promises are empty.

your words are just air.

your touch is cruel and vacant.

now i’m using you.

i know i am.

i know i have.

i’ve told you i loved you when i didn’t mean it

but it wasn’t the first time.

you don’t mean much to me anymore.

i shut down.

i pull away.

i stop talking.

i go vacant, flat, empty.

it sucks the life out of me to be around you sometimes.

the idea of us is nice.

but it’s not real.

reality is i don’t like you.

you’re impatient, selfish, thoughtless

you can’t imagine putting aside yourself for someone else.

you can’t imagine being in someone’s shoes.

you can’t admit when you did something wrong enough to fix it.

you wallow.

you blame.

you get angry.

you hit things. break them.

well it looks like you pushed me to that point too.

you broke me. you broke my heart and my spirit.

you broke me.

i’m hardened now.

i don’t believe in the things i used to believe in.

true love. patience. sacrifice.

it doesn’t mean anything

what did we have when i wasn’t breaking apart for us?

when i wasn’t panicking, terrified to lose you?

what did we have when i didn’t give you everything because i believed maybe, someday, somehow, you might be capable of giving it back to me?

i was wrong.

it wasn’t my fault.

i tried.

i broke.

im done.

[aboutitnot]

i’m hurt.

i’m hurt by the incompatibility

i’m hurt by the thoughtlessness

and the assumptions.

i don’t know what i liked about you.

you’re kind, but not to me, not really.

and not in your job that made you an asshole.

you’re funny but i don’t like your jokes.

you’re objectively hot but are you really?

i almost wish that you would fall for someone else.

give me an out.

give me the chance to leave and not be the bad guy.

maybe you would. i know that you could.

i don’t know that i want to be yours anymore.

[aboutitnot]

i can’t do this anymore.

it feels like i’m being jerked around

led on and let down.

i don’t know where to let you be.

are we just roommates

that have sex a few times a year

when i can’t take it anymore?

is there a relationship?

do i want to be around you?

do i only want the idea, something that doesn’t really exist?

i don’t know what i expected.

i don’t even know what i wanted from you

but if i felt like we were closer i was wrong.

if i felt like maybe i could count on you to want to do something for me

i was wrong.

intention is great

wanting to is wonderful

saying something is fine

but then you just fucking don’t.

and i’m tired of it.

i’m sick of it.

i’m done.

i’m not putting myself in a place where you can hurt me like you always do.

you make me feel like shit.

like i’m worthless.

not worth any fucking effort.

not worth talking to

or planning with

or trying.

how many times is too many times?

how fucking long is too long?

how much give do i have to give before i break?

[aboutitnot]

you didn’t do anything for my birthday.

you got me a card.

you left it on the pile of mail you picked up the day before.

it wasn’t even sealed.

you didn’t insist that i open it then

you didn’t tell me to wait.

i genuinely wondered if you hadn’t gotten my birthday right.

it was nice.

it was nice.

but that was it.

no thought other than that.

and it felt like such an afterthought.

then today.

all i wanted was a cake.

nothing.

it just felt really really shitty.

like you didn’t care enough to put any effort in

and just expected it to be all me.

fuck that.

fuck you.

it hit me in the gut that this is fucking it.

this is what i fucking get.

and i’m over it.

i’m done.

[aboutitnot]

i enjoyed this weekend.

genuine joy at times

i let go a little.

i also used you.

i pushed myself.

i needed to have sex.

it was driving me a little crazy.

some of it felt amazing.

you fingering me.

me riding you.

but some didn’t.

and i don’t know.

it’s about what i would expect

i enjoyed being close to you again

i think.

i don’t know if i would enjoy anyone else more

no one else i would trust with me like that.

but i want to have sex in a way that you don’t, and i want to make you feel good inside me

which you do

but you also can’t come that way anymore.

maybe your body is just different

the way mine is.

but you’re so worried about making me feel good

it makes me feel bad.

it’s too much pressure

but i did get into it.

i did like it.

[aboutitnot]

i need desperation from you

i need to know that if i left it would make a difference and that you wouldn’t just feel relief that it’s over.

i just need to get through this

then

i think

that might be it.

[aboutitnot]

i just don’t know.

i think i know what i have to do.

i’m running back and forth between what i want and what i should do.

i feel like you need to do a whole hell of a lot to get me back in any way

because i’m spent. i’m done.

as of this moment, i don’t know if im ready to call it

but i’m damn close.

i’m so angry. i’m so resentful.

i’m so so so spiteful

and part of me just never wants to see him or talk to him again

and the other wants to try because we put so much time into this

but then i think that it’s just not worth it.

i don’t want to try.

maybe i could, but i don’t like him all that much.

i’m done.

i don’t know.

i keep saying that

and i need to be the one to call it.

i think that might hurt him more and honestly he doesn’t deserve less.

he wants me to change to make us better

i did that.

i did that for this entire fucking time.

don’t talk to me about being strung the fuck along.

if that’s how you feel

if that’s how you see this

then fuck you. fuck all the fucking effort i put it putting up with your shit.

i’m done.

it’s being fucking patient.

it’s putting in the fucking work.

it takes goddamn effort and i can show you a thing or two about all the shit i did and all the shit i put up with to keep us together.

fuck. you.

asshole.

the fucking nerve to say that to me.

i do believe there exists the possibility of us being something better than this.

my concern is that it requires a level of communication and humility and taking responsibility that is not possible.

i don’t have the patience to baby you anymore. to dance around it and apologize for my feelings.

i just don’t.

and you can’t fathom that what you admit that you did and didn’t do needs recompense.

you blame me and i blame you.

i don’t want to talk to you anymore

about anything.

not about the weather

not about the cats

not about us

not about you

not about me

nothing.

i hate that feeling.

it feels so so so fucking shitty.

this trip is going to be rough.

but i can try.