#longing is enough for my brain sometimes

[urlocalwormtoday]

the urge to make an oc ask blog is strong, but

A. the only fandom I'm really interested in right now, besides cos, is jrwi. and euhhh. I don't really have any jrwi oc's, with the exception of one herosona for pd

B. my moots..,,,, what would my moots think

[abd-illustrates]

I might’ve spoiled the plot of Natlan | Genshin Impact THEORY

In which I read so much lore that I gained the power to see the future (maybe) This ended up being a real challenge to make - but it was also really fun! Please do lemme know what you reckon of these ideas, and whether y’all wanna see me pattern-recognition my way into several corkboards worth of theories about any other topics sometime down the line! (^^)/

(also: HAPPY NEW YEAR! 🥳🎉 Here's wishing y'all every good thing for 2024)

[vaguely-concerned]

do you ever think about how, when we get lucanis' ossuary mind note on what he was thinking during the fireplace scene at the end of his recruitment mission... what's implied to be his instinctive internal reaction as he's saying "you'd have to kill me" out loud sure isn't 'and I don't want to die'. it's '(and spite would die)'. do you think spite's gremlin-y candle-hungering give-me-FIRE! >:D presence has maybe saved that guy's life even more times and in more ways than are immediately obvious at a glance. do you ever. cry.

it's also very. him that the thing that would stay his hand on killing himself partially might be that he just isn't willing to visit the same cruelty or harm on spite as zara, even when accepting his passenger spirit as collateral damage would at least offer a chance to put an end to his own pain, which at that point he seems unable to see any other way of truly escaping or find real relief from than to die. there's so much resentment and fear and other understandable fraught emotions in spite and lucanis' relationship early on, but it's just as clear that deep down lucanis conceptualizes spite as fundamentally innocent in what's happened here -- perhaps, indeed, more innocent than he manages to conceptualize himself until someone else can help him get in there and start to untangle it with him. he's protective of spite in some subtle ways right from the start, taking pains to point out several times on the jog through the ossuary that the spirits here were just as much victims in what was done to them as anyone else. when spite acts out during the fireplace scene... how much of lucanis brushing it off the way he does is about the '*actively bleeding from the eyes* don't worry about me' avoidant side of it all, and how much is him trying to shelter spite from the eyes of people he does not know well enough yet to predict how they’ll react in response — towards himself or spite. (additional idea to really bring on the heartache: do you think he has maybe intervened in pretty much the same way between illario and caterina over the years and that’s how he does it so smoothly and automatically; it’s basically psychological muscle memory. Haha. ow.) 

Between that and the pretty consistent language he uses that frames spite as child-like, even when he means that in frustration/enfant terrible flavoured terms lol, you get the sense that regardless of how much Lucanis is aware of this on the surface, there is a deep instinctive protectiveness in him for spite. I think that even comes across in the scene where lucanis tells you he’ll continue to pursue a way to separate him and spite on the minrathous route. So I was kind of picking up on/working with that already subconsciously, but when I found that note it hit me like a sledgehammer that clearly in some part at least, the reason lucanis is still here is that he knows now that spite would die with him and doesn’t find that price acceptable. Spite thinks that lucanis mentally locking himself in his (torture :() room and refusing to speak to him is an act of rejection or trickery, but to my eyes taken with everything else we know about how lucanis’ brain tends to work… as much as it’s an expression of avoidance and fear and overwhelm and trying to get away from the voice pushing him towards action when the mere prospect of action fills you with despair to even contemplate (“There’s nowhere to go”), I think it’s also a mark of lucanis’ affection and protectiveness of spite. The guards along the way make it very clear that more so than to keep the outside world from coming in, this place is for protecting people from what might break out. 

And that’s why I think this is also such a good case study to look at lucanis' internal freeze logic and why it has been so adaptive for him up until now when faced with completely impossible emotional situations to which there are no good answers or causes of actions available, even though it's inherently and unavoidably one of those 'what's worse, the medicine or the disease' solutions a brain cooks up. lucanis by the point of inner demons is facing this conundrum: 1) I can't live like this, it hurts too much. I've been in pain so long I’ve got screams where my blood should be and it just keeps getting louder, and nothing really touches or helps that. 2) I can't die to escape this, because that would also kill spite (and also I've got a job to do I guess *working 9-5 slowed with reverb and with underwater sound distortion effects is playing in the background*). those are of course not actually his only options, but in the state he's in they are the only options he can conceive of. (that's not infrequently how it works, when the suffering is that intense and unrelenting. Nothing gives you tunnel sight quite like ‘I just need this to stop’ agony that has gone on long enough to add sheer soul exhaustion to the mix)

so what happens in the end? his freeze brain -- honed, I'm sure, through many long years of attachment trauma and abuse and loss for exactly this kind of 'uh-oh. Incoming FUBAR situation alert let’s go' -- kicks into action and makes him do nothing except what's externally required of him, so he can stay just functional and momentarily distracted by a plethora of avoidance behaviours enough to get through his daily life, if like not particularly happily so... and otherwise, as it were, locking himself in his room deep inside where nothing can touch him, where nothing gets in and nothing gets out, no harm allowed to either escape from within nor allowed to pierce through and get inside. numbness isn't actually a cure for that kind of suffering, but it's the closest thing you're likely to get with any immediacy and if you’re desperate enough by god you take those. It’s how he survived his upbringing, and it’s how he survived the ossuary — as he tells Davrin straight out, the trick to just shut down every part of his soul he can to get through intolerable pain, loss or helplessness. I don’t think that mechanism came to him in the ossuary the first time, I think that blueprint was deeply embedded in his neurons and went ‘ah. My time again. Not to worry I’m a bit of an expert at this I’ll get us through this yet (though you may not thank me for it by the end of it all)’. 

In that state he's unable to himself reach out and meaningfully ask for help (and also like... why would his inner world have any framework for that as even being on the table? this has never been an option before in his life, not in any safe or consistent way; he's fucked up the way he is because the same things/people that should have been and partially, comparatively, were the sources of help and relief and safety growing up are also the sources of pain and abuse, that eternal irreconcilable ambivalence, the double edged sword of unpredictable insecure attachment), but it also keeps him from doing anything uh drastic the other way too, on acting impulsively in ways that can’t be taken back. (that seems to be more illario’s role/dubious privilege in the family lol.) at many points in his life and especially growing up, freezing and going numb around the pain is as close to having control of anything as there was any hope of. 'harm will be inflicted on me unpredictably, but fuck you I don't have to truly feel it as long as I shut all this other stuff down as well, that's what I can control' nervous system logic. (it'll get you every time.) for what it’s worth I’m not so sure his nervous system judged that one incorrectly, I think that is the kind of rebellion you would have to cling to while being raised by someone like caterina, because look at illario if you want to know how much she respects and rewards anything more overt or active. (I mean, if you don’t succeed, at least. swing at Grandma Dellamorte you’d better not miss or you’ll meet that cane swinging at you the other way and she will not miss)

I say all this because I think it's as easy to demonize the freeze response as it is to demonize anger, to conceptualize it only as an obstructive force that, as bellara puts it, is one of the purest forms of a heart not seeming to want to let you be happy, or a mindless byproduct of trauma. But in my experience, the brain doesn’t generally come up with ‘stupid’ defense mechanisms. Even in the most maladaptive of coping mechanisms, there is at the core of it some part of you that once meant to save your life, no matter what trouble it is wreaking for you today. when you look at the setup of Lucanis’ soul, as it were, you can see the dual and in some ways genuinely noble and even tender qualities this response has in him, however misguided: it does imprison, but it also protects, and it means to protect; for all the pain along the way it has sheltered all the parts of his soul that are most precious and breakable, the most vulnerable parts that want to live and so so importantly love completely and freely. Lucanis thinks he’s protecting not even primarily himself but everyone he loves by staying where he is. (“It would be better for me to stay here than to risk losing you”) A child’s logic, to be sure, but logic of a kind and clearly one that caterina has encouraged in him because that’s a conception of love it’s been very useful for her for him to have. Freeze looks like utter hopelessness on the surface, but in some ways I think it’s the utmost triumph of hope — a spare and unrelenting winter that exists because it thinks one day spring might still come, and the things too precious and fragile to thrive in your life as it is now might bloom then. 

He is an adult now, and Caterina no longer controls his entire world, physically and emotionally. There’s finally room for other things, other people, himself, in his life, without everything having to defer to the gravitational force of what Caterina wants from him at the end of the day. And while I think her jumpscaring him with the First Talon position is partly her attempt to wrangle him back into the status quo of control she once had, I’m not sure it’s going to work quite the way she might hope — at least in the Treviso saved route, there are just too many fresh spring shoots in his life at that point that could grow into something new, it’s too late to trample all the saplings growing up through the cracks in time (and indeed some of them might also fight back). (The outlook on the Minrathous saved route is um. Perhaps less convincingly immediately hopeful to me and the prospect of actually getting around to healing further down the road, but I refuse to give up on him that’s my little guy and he’s above all incredibly smart and stubborn and not a quitter and all the rest of this still remains true beneath it all, just like. Give him a moment here.) His hopes and dreams have diversified while she had her back turned lmao he suddenly keeps them with so many more people than just her and Iillario now. She doesn’t hold the monopoly of meaning and connection in his life the way she used to. And whether out of love (you know. Hope is every man’s prerogative I suppose) at seeing him really happy for perhaps the first time or sheer pragmatism, I think she’s going to have to accept that and adapt her ways of doing things with him accordingly, or else have him drift even further away from her.

Spite is the urgent impatient voice that starts to break through to go ‘that moment is now it HAS to be now. We need to shake off the shackles and illusions and face what’s actually here so we can learn to properly live now, or this winter will starve us to death as surely as anything Zara could do to us’. And he is right! As crucial as this soul-starvation landscape has been in survival, it has clearly reached the end of its sustainability, you can’t survive permanently on frost alone. I just also want to recognize the credit Lucanis (and his fucked up but valiant nervous system <3 pour one out for a real one) also deserves for stubbornly holding on in any way he had to until Spite’s true escape project is even an option for either of them. Especially since Lucanis seems to harbour a lot of self-loathing and frustration over his own propensity for freeze — “You know him. You can open the door, but he won’t walk through it”  (still one of the saddest most painful things I’ve ever heard. In case you were wondering. He knows. He knows what he’s like, and he despairs of it, he thinks it means it’s his own fault he still feels like this. Augh.) The real point at the end of the day is not that spite saved lucanis or vice versa, but that as traumatic as it was to get there and against all cultural expectations, it is ultimately their enmeshed condition, their togetherness, that saved them both. (which, again, when you consider the cultural narrative of possession and spirits most andrastian nations are working with…what a radical conclusion to come away with haha. Not unprecedented at all, if you look at Wynne and her spirit, but on a deeper and more psychological plane than ever and even more impactful for it, to me.)

[skunkes]

talon hates pet names but he does secretly want one, honestly, to feel more like a part of the group. (i wanted to make a comic about this but it just read like more of the overdone writing i dislike). The issue is. Well he doesnt take well to compliments or praise in general, due to past negative experiences. Likes being called handsome in any context so it has to be used sparingly because it makes him puff up so cutely.

All of al's usual go to's are too cutesy for him which also bothers Talon greatly, so we have to think outside the box. Honestly being called a little tick would be the best one, fun and fitting but he actually also has negative experiences with that one specifically. Then it just gets into throwing anything out there territory, which is entertaining in itself. My little leech, viper, pesky little louse, mosquito, kissing bug (<- a good contender actually.) Bat is too obvious but maybe al would use it as a placeholder... It's best when they come up organically, but al's been feeling the pressure to cement a good one.

[ganondoodle]

i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo

[finniestoncrane]

I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I need but I’m glad I’ve got therapy tomorrow

[itsmistyeyedbi]

I've seen a handful of posts about the different ways an a/n/detective romance could go down, and would like to throw my hat in the ring (with Zuri of course).

It seems like I'm sharing some braincells with people lol, because this post by @fauville and especially this post by @sewellsheart (I hope you guys don't mind me tagging you, if you do just let me know and I'll remove it) are both pretty close (or exactly spot on) to the thoughts I had earlier this week. It's also sorta kinda includes @wayhavenots headcanon of N being demiromantic.

(Also tagging @serenpedac because you mentioned that you'd like me to when I got around to posting this)

When I answered this ask with questions from the lovey dovey oc development prompts list, I mentioned that although Zuri finds aspects of each member of Unit Bravo attractive when she first meets them, Nate is who catches her eye the most. He's the closest to her type - Zuri flirts with him in book 1 regardless of the route she's in lol.

Considering the vampire senses, and the fact that sometimes Zuri wasn't being all that subtle lol, he knows this. And he flirts back too; there's some aesthetic attraction there (maybe I'm biased, but methinks Zuri is very nice to look at lol), but before much/any sexual attraction can come in Zuri’s attention pivots to Adam. I've mentioned before that she is drawn to emotionally unavailable people - but especially when they let a feeling or two slip, when she gets to see the asshole be more than an asshole lol. And Adam doesn't seem to be as indifferent to her as he was before. Quite the opposite actually.

It's no skin off Nate's back. As nice as it was, there wasn't any romantic feelings there, and it would probably be wise to not pursue something with her. Zuri is his handler's daughter, and having any potential relationship they have end the way his previous relationships did could have complicated his relationship with both of them. Besides, they aren't staying in Wayhaven for long anyway (ha!).

So it's no skin off his back. Really. Truly. Except watching Adam's growing interest in her makes envy rear it's ugly head. It's a familiar sight, one that has been directed at him throughout the 300 years of him knowing Adam. As he became his friend and his confidant, as trust and loyalty grew between them - little, stolen moments dotted the fabric of their friendship. For the first time in more years than he could reasonably keep count of, the desire for the romance he read in books and poetry blossomed into a love for Adam. To have him, body and heart and soul - and to give his own to him. From the moment he realised those feelings, he wanted to throw himself headfirst into love, into a relationship, with the man who knew and accepted every part of him.

But Adam couldn't bring himself to do the same. It was too risky, too dangerous. It would create a weakness in him that would lead to Nate's destruction. And Nate - kind, gentle, beautiful, Nate - doesn't deserve that. And Adam doesn't deserve him. So their feelings are restricted to those stolen moments, to the brief meeting of their eyes, to lingering touches. And if they trip and stumble and fall into each other's arms in the dead of night, they will return to the status-quo by morning. With there being a little more distance, a little more hurt in Nate's eyes and guilt in Adam's heart until the pain subsides. Until they fall again. They've been falling for centuries.

As much as it hurts, Nate won't push him. He understands his reservations and his concerns, how much the life he left behind still haunts him. His own haunts him as well, of course he understands. Even though he longs for the ghosts of their past to no longer hold them back.

And that interest in Zuri...it means something. But Nate finds a little bit of selfish comfort in the fact that they will continue on with their lives when the mission is complete. They will go on, with Zuri having breathed new life into his team, his family, with her acceptance and excitement, her brightness and her resilience - with her humanity.

Except... they are staying in Wayhaven. They have a home there, and Zuri will be working with them as a human liaison. He's delighted! Wayhaven is a small, charming town full of good people who should be protected. Meeting and getting to know Zuri has been wonderful and friendly, and he's looking forward to learning more about her. But that means she and Adam can continue to develop a relationship, and he has to watch as she slowly slips past his defences.

As painful as it is to watch him fall in love with another, he ultimately wants to see Adam happy, and perhaps Zuri is the person who he will find that with. She is lovely, after all. She was determined to help the people of her home when the maalused arrived and made people ill, human and supernatural alike. She was quick to protect Adam from being infected as well. She was curious, always eager to learn more about the world she'd been thrust into. She was charming and cheeky and kind, subtly coming to his defence with a smile and a wink when she met Unit Alpha while remaining friendly and gaining their favour (this is from the dialogue option where the detective can go: "just so you know, I like museums too." the smiling and winking there is Zuri specific, so not in the actual text).

They slowly grew closer, toeing the line of crossing into the deep, dark waters of their past. And the closer they become, the more it stings to see watch the tentative hope build up inside her. To then see the flash of pain in Zuri’s eyes when Adam pulls away, the guilt in his eyes when she stitches on a smile, the resignation in both of them that Nate knows all too well. She eventually starts turning to him for comfort, whether it's in the form of a distraction or advice. When she does, she's nervous and can barely meet his eye, hugging herself tight as though to keep herself from falling apart. Being vulnerable like this with someone is the last thing Zuri wants to do, but everything is eating away at her, and she just needs... something. Someone. Some way to come up for air.

The reasons are more complicated than Nate initially thought. It turns out that Zuri is just as conflicted about their connection as Adam is, with her keeping him at arms length as well as his interest evolved into longing. Into something she she can just barely recognise, something that scares her. Something she doesn't think she deserves. It gets easier to talk to Nate, just a little. Just enough for him to feel like a soft place to land, safe and warm as he allows her to curl into his side - although she catches the gleam of envy or jealousy or both.

Nate is doing his best to conceal it, but he can't help how he feels. The thing is... he isn't quite sure where it's coming from anymore, and a rare but familiar feeling stirs in his chest. And Zuri looks so comfortable buried against his side, hiding away from the world while allowing him to see the parts of her that are sharp as shards of glass, beautiful when they catch the light. And when he manages to make her smile, to make her laugh, his heart skips a beat and all he wants to do is drink in the sight of her in all her beauty...

Then he thinks of Adam, and all the times he melted at his dimpled smile and soft gaze, the times he got drunk on the sight of him standing by his side, laying underneath him...

Oh. Oh no.

Eventually, Nate does speak to Adam. I'm not entirely confident in my thoughts on how this would go down, but I don't think he would pretend that his feelings weren't there or hurt. I think Nate would tell him that his feelings for him haven't changed, but he ultimately wants him to be happy and that he might find that happiness with Zuri (there might be a little bit of awkwardness here considering his developing feelings for her). But he'd also let him know that what he's doing is only hurting her; she may not be completely innocent here, Nate knows that Adam is hurting as well and Zuri can be just as wishy washy, but all of this should let him know that pushing away the people who care about him achieves nothing. It only cause pain all around, and Adam needs to decide on whether that is or isn't something he's willing to keep doing.

This is where the the poly can come in (finally, I know). There's two possible routes for this.

1. Nate and Zuri develop feelings for each other, but remain friends while her relationship with Adam progresses and they eventually get together. Adam ends up having a general idea of their feelings for each other, based on their physical reactions more than anything. So, after a long, long, long while, Zuri and Adam talk about Nate and their not so previous feelings for him (I can see Adam talking about Nate also having feelings for Zuri like it's the most obvious thing in the world, while she's in complete disbelief lmao). They'd have a long talk about what that could mean for them, and once they determine that they still want to stay together, Zuri proposes that they talk to Nate about him possibly joining them.

I can't imagine what that would be like for Nate. Maybe it would be a little confusing. Maybe it would feel unreal that two of the people he cares for the most, the people he is in love with, love him as well. And after what could be years of him watching them together, on the outside looking in, wondering if he'd ever be able to share in their love, or if the bittersweet feelings in his chest would be his burden to carry for eternity - something he was willing to do if it meant they both got to be happy.

It would probably take a while for Nate to get comfortable, he's already not so secure in relationships. And Adam, despite him knowing Nate and their history together, would probably have to adjust to accepting his feelings for him after repressing them for so long. That he doesn't have to hide them anymore. Zuri would definitely have to take the lead here, even though she'd be just as nervous. Two amazing people being in love with her? The thought of driving them away would be in the forefront of her mind sometimes.

2. Nate and Zuri develop feelings for each other, and he tells her about his feelings for Adam. She'd be a little surprised at first before having an "Oh, so that's why xyz etc" moment lol. She'd be really curious about his feelings and if they were ever returned, considering their centuries long friendship. Nate would be surprised by how well Zuri takes it, and they highkey end up bonding over the mess that is their feelings for Adam and their love lives in general (this may be when Zuri picks up on him possibly being demiromantic). They keep getting closer and closer, with Nate being more vulnerable with her as well. Both of them would kinda enjoy how freeing it is to speak with someone about all of it (they might even be able to awkwardly admit how envious they were of the other lol). But their feelings do continue to grow in the process, and the tension builds - and when their longing for Adam is particularly difficult to bear, they seek each other out and end up finding comfort in a completely different way.

It wouldn't be completely out of place considering N's past of seeking out connection and occasionally doing it through sex. Zuri would for sure do something like this, which I think is a little obvious from this post I made a while back - but she has done the whole 'hook up to forget' thing before.

Except this time, it's different. It's not just them seeking out connection or trying to forget their reality, it's also them wanting to lose themselves in each other - the person who understands them, that they've been able to be vulnerable with in a way they couldn't be with anyone else. Someone who they're (mostly) on the same page with, someone they care for deeply, someone they can share this desperate, heartwrenching, deep-seated longing with in the most passionate and carnal and unrestrained way possible. Until they can't think. Until they can't speak. Until the feel of each other's skin is all that exists.

This second one would obviously be a lot more complicated than the first, especially if/when Adam finds out. My head is empty when it comes to how they'd progress from here, unless we really went with the 'stuck in the safe house' option lol.

I delve into how Zuri would get involved in a polyamorous relationship in this ask that I think contextualises her perspective a little more.

But, yeah! Those are most of my thoughts!

[fleouriarts]

feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole

[vice-like]

these results WILL surprise you

i'm happy to announce that the vast majority of you got this WRONG, while 4 of you got it right: yes, the right answer was NONE, these are both baby matoba!!

the left one is from this panel (left) in world unbent and the right one is from this panel (right) in hand extended

[icewindandboringhorror]

I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

[katyspersonal]

Fears that I've been repressing and not addressing, telling myself to stand tall and "not show weakness", started to slip into my nightmares.

I just want to crawl under my blanket and cry, cry, cry until I've cried myself to sleep... and wake up in a better parallel world, where my paranoia is not eating me alive, where I can feel trust and comfort.

[la-galaxie-langblr]

what is going on w my brain

[kyouka-supremacy]

Why are you tagging posts with dates from last year? Did you queue them last year?

… I did.

[kinos-fortress-2]

ok another headcanon and is from my ultimate comfort favs:

When demo got first hired by pauling he was like very shy and introverted at some point where everyone wasn’t like… that conjoined and besties as how they are now. And i feel like he got a pretty rough time to even start to talk with his teammates or get a tiny friendship with them.

And he often times was very threatened by small lady in glasses that liked to be strict with them in their first day since… it was business only ofc

but by the time when pauling got a bit more soft with them, and got also a bit friendly with demo i feel like at some point he started to develop a tiny crush with her since she was the one who often talks more with, and i have this other hc that also he would fell easily with people that befriends him (not like anyone of course it really does depends the person for him)

so you know pauling it’s nerdy and a bit sensitive (she cries very easily) and she is very friendly or a bit more extrovert if she gets to, but like in a sense where she is more ambivert too. uhhh idk she is just talkative with people if you get her chance where she’s not busy and will tell you to go to hell. rough lady

and he liked that! i think he thought they both shared some stuffs along and can infodump their love for guns and for the work they are in and then if they can go a bit personal with some drinks and he liked that he could share this stuffs with her all chill and cool

but i feel like he just had this side secret crush with her and stopped those want to be romantic feelings because he really saw she is not like, up to those stuffs, she is so focused on work and also stressed and depressed like him and he could just understand that she just only want someone to listen to her but she will not like, pay that much attention about romantic relationships and he could completely understand that once he get to know her more deeply. and he just couldn’t do that to the one who also considered a friend and he probably guessed she will not feel the same for him but that didn’t like hurt him and is not like he ever confessed to her. he just had those secret feelings for her for a time and then realized she was not really like the one for him to be in a relationship

and that’s where i thought of him now having a more soft spot for her and caring her like a sister (not like literally but in a familiar soft spot sense, but that’s ofc his friend)

so yeah idk 👍

[wolvertooth]

im just lookin thru my archive rn cuz ive been posting fairly actively since like. july. debating if i need to do another #mentalhealthbreak or nah….

its not that ive run outta post ideas or anything(cuz my brain never shuts tf up), its just been kinda hard lately to keep up with the community aspect i think. i dunno. maybe im getting a bit burnt out again too

this is kinda the longest ive ever held a fixation consistantly, but the fear of slipping back into the Nothing Era where i got nothing to keep my brain occupied has me hanging on ig. i feel like im not done yet either like waiiiitttttt ive still got piles of wipssssssss i gotta make gay people realllllllll sigh

im only human im a messed up human blablah it makes good practice for adderall at least(not that its really been working) i just dont wanna be in a state where it feels like a chore yknow? like im not an influencer im a gay lil tumblr.com blog ffs

another dramatic emotion filled sigh………im gonna be staying out in the middle of the canadian sticks(farmland n woods n a couple beaches nearby) this winter for awhile, so maybe i’ll be able to figure out how to get some good chill time. or go more insane. (likely get more insane)

[jusiri]

I swear, I need y'all to start harassing me into doing some Good Solid Art Practice, like y'all gotta start demanding to see what practice I did a the end of the day cause at this rate I'm never fucking gettin' anywhere