#long story short my mom never taught me and my sister how to cook or clean or do household chores

[dreamcast-official]

ok well hm. thinking thoughts

[manawari]

Our story.

tagging— @julyarya @i-bring-crack @winter-1023 (you guys gear up cuz this is hecking LONG)

He was six, and so was she.

Jin-woo held his mother's warm hand tightly as he pressed himself against her side. In front of him was a woman and a little girl around his age, with short blonde hair above her shoulders and fair skin, which was complimented by the light blue shirt she wore and a jean skirt.

"Go on, Hae-in," the woman said to her daughter. "Say hi."

The girl, Hae-in, stepped forward and tucked her hands behind her. She dipped her head a little to not meet his gaze. "H— hi."

Jin-woo felt his mother nudge him gently. "What should you say, Jin-woo?" Kyung-hye asked.

"Hello." He said to her.

She looked up, flashing him a bright smile, and giggled.

Hae-in lived two houses away from his. Jin-woo would catch her passing by with her parents, bouncing as she held both of her parents' hands, and her smile was as broad as the daylight. And in some occasions, he'd find her walking by herself, which made him curious to know where she was going. Jin-woo hardly left the house unless he wanted to go with his family, so seeing someone around his age walking outside brought wonders to him.

And it all had to take was his father to push him into going outside whenever Hae-in was walking across. Ill-hwang had figured his son must've been seeing her, yet never had the courage to talk to her.

It was a success. Jin-woo managed to approach her without tripping over his feet. Turned out, Hae-in was heading to the convenience store to buy some food since her parents were away due to work, so she had to rely on herself to get through the day until they were home.

Jin-woo was astounded. Hae-in, a six year old like him, buying her own food? Neither he nor his sister could even imagine if their mother had not left some food for them.

He ended up accompanying her.

"Why didn't your parents leave some food for you? In that way, you won't have to go out." Jin-woo told her as they went past the shelves.

"My mom said they are too busy to cook food. But they already taught me how to do chores." Hae-in replied and took a pack of ramen from the upper shelve on her toes. "What about you?"

"My dad works as a firefighter!" Jin-woo answered, albeit boastfully. He had always admired his father that he would proudly declare it if he was asked. "Although my mom stays at home, she sometimes go out for errands. She doesn't want to leave me and Jin-ah alone."

Hae-in chuckled. "Wow, I'm quite jealous! Mom focuses on her work because it's for my future. She knows how much I want to be an athlete one day."

"Athlete?"

"Yeah! The ones who run around very fast!" She said. "I want to be like them too."

Jin-woo chuckled and was about to reply when he noticed her grab another pack. He raised an eyebrow. "You are going to get two of those?"

"Yes, because the other one is for you," said Hae-in. "I hope you like seafood since that is the least I can do for you coming with me!"

He walked with her to her house and took off his shoes. Everything was too quiet for his own good, considering how Hae-in must've been spending days all by herself; he felt his heart squeeze at the thought — if he had approached her on those days where he found her walking alone, perhaps she wouldn't be as lonely as she was now. The entire house was clean, he wondered if Hae-in always maintained cleanliness or she hardly touched any corner, and Jin-woo had settled on the floor next to the table in front of the couch.

Meanwhile, Hae-in stood on a chair as she placed the pot and turned on the stove to let the water boil. She tore the two packs of seafood noodles and poured them into the heating water, stirring them with two metal chopsticks to soften the noddles. There were three containers stacked next to her in the counter, which must be containing other ingredients. So, Jin-woo got up and made his way toward her.

"Can I help?" He asked.

Hae-in turned over her shoulder and shook her head. "No. You are a guest here, so you must wait. I can handle this just fine!"

"Then, mind if I help wash the dishes with you?" Even though he didn't know how, Jin-woo thought he should start learning a thing or two. He was certain it would make his mother proud.

"Okay." Hae-in nodded with a smile.

They ate afterward. Hae-in had added several chopped shrimps and vegetables, her mother had cut them into small pieces fortunately, so all she did was to put them onto the food. And as promised, Jin-woo helped her clean the dishes as they both stood on top of their chairs, although all he did was rinse since Hae-in knew how to scrub the soap on the utensils.

"Thanks for everything, Jin-woo!" She said to him as she walked with him to the door.

I didn't even do a lot. Jin-woo thought to himself, then he looked around the house. "When are your parents coming home?"

"They'll be home by five."

Hae-in still had a few hours left of being alone. . . Part of Jin-woo wished he could stay longer, but he knew his parents would probably be worried if he chose to spent the rest of the afternoon with Hae-in. After all, his dad only told him to go talk to her and hang out for a bit.

Suddenly, an idea sparked in his head.

At dinner, the whole Sung family was gathered in the table where they indulged in the meal Kyung-hye had prepared. Jin-woo sat across his mother, who was helping Jin-ah with her food, and glanced at his father, who was fondly watching the two as he drew his spoon to his mouth. The oldest child, however, had left his food untouched as thoughts whirled in his mind.

"Can I play with Hae-in tomorrow?" Jin-woo asked.

All eyes were drawn to him in an instant. Kyung-hye let out a smile. "Of course. Her mother had told me she and her husband are busy at work that Hae-in was all by herself at home."

"Then. . . Are we going to have leftovers after this?"

"What are you going to do, son?" Ill-hwang asked him.

Jin-woo just smiled in return.

The next day, he went to Hae-in's house with a bag that carried two tupperwares he had asked his mother to help him prepare. He marched up on the stairs and knocked on the door, he took a step backward to wait for the door to open, but it wasn't long until it was opened by none other than Hae-in. She had her short hair into a ponytail and wore a shirt and a pair of pajamas while she held a broom; sweat beaded on her forehead and some had streamed down her cheeks.

He helped her clean the house.

By lunch, they shared the leftover Jin-woo had brought along. In that way, Hae-in wouldn't have to rush out to buy food. They watched movies in the TV after they had cleaned the dishes and chattered — they both realized how talkative they could get unlike the first time their mothers had introduced them to each other. Jin-woo would talk about the show he had been obsessed about, which was a show filled with shadow monsters and the armored general they went battles with, and Hae-in would just listen in intrigue.

Usually, he would feel bad for talking too much, but looking at Hae-in, Jin-woo felt carefree.

They would play outside of the house if they had gone bored being cooped under the roof. And in some days, Jin-woo would bring his sister along to meet Hae-in, and surprisingly, little Jin-ah was instantly fond of her. Being the only child, Hae-in had witnessed what was it like to have a sibling in shows, but after meeting Jin-ah, it felt like the idea had come to reality — the younger girl was more energetic than her brother and Hae-in wouldn't mind her company.

After a few weeks of being alone in the house until weekends, there was no doubt that Hae-in had been feeling lonely and only watched other kids from the window, not mustering the courage to ask them if she could join. But it wasn't until Jin-woo came and went along with her to the convenience store. Hae-in felt a gradual change since she began to hang out with the boy within her neighborhood; like her, he hardly left the house.

Hae-in soon had begun to spend more time in the Sung residence whenever her parents were out after Kyung-hye and Ill-Hwang expressed how welcome she was in their home. They had become a second family to her. They filled the missing gaps in her soul that she didn't realize they were there.

And, of course. . . There was Jin-woo. The two had gotten closer that nobody would think there was a way they could be separated. Even the entire neighborhood couldn't imagine them playing with other kids when they were much lively around each other.

Jin-woo didn't like to run for a long time as it always exhausted him. Hae-in liked to run, which was why she taught herself how to stretch. Jin-woo was good in maths. Hae-in was good in English. Jin-woo was not easily scared. Hae-in would flinch at a sudden sound. Jin-woo liked to play games in the internet cafe. Hae-in preferred to play in her phone.

These were the difference between them as their friendship extended throughout their growths. However, they didn't go to the same school since Hae-in studied in a private school while Jin-woo studied in public, the same school as his sister, but they would always hang out once they were home or their parents allowed them to help each other on homework.

It was quite tough for Jin-woo when his closest friend was in another school. His friends all lived in a different neighborhood than him, so he was left to go home by himself once they were done playing. Jin-ah had gone home two hours before him.

I'm starving. His stomach grumbled. Lucky for him, he was passing by a convenience store, and remembering he still got some allowance saved, Jin-woo decided to head inside.

Only to feel like someone had grabbed him by his backpack.

"Oh, look! It's Mr. Brilliant!" One of his classmates— er, bullies— smirked. These were the people Jin-woo tend to avoid, yet failed because they had been targeting him right from the start where the teacher had announced he got the highest test score in class.

They never stopped taunting him.

"Let me go!" Jin-woo glared as he pulled the kid's wrist off him.

Then, another kid placed an arm on his shoulder. The bully snickered at him. "Looks like you are buying snacks! Mind if we tag along? Papa sure gives you a lot money."

"Those are my savings!" Jin-woo exclaimed and raised his foot, but someone grabbed his arm to keep him from making any more move. "Let go!"

"Like hell we will~"

"On one condition first! Haha!"

"What are you going to do? Run to your mama and papa?"

"HEY!"

All of the boys steered their heads and saw Hae-in, whose face was burning with ire. Her hands were clenched into fists against her sides. Then, she began to stalk toward them and suddenly, chills ran down Jin-woo's spine.

"Let Jin-woo go!" She scowled.

The three boys spared a look at one another and burst into laughter.

"HAHAHAHA!"

"Who is she? His little friend?"

"This is none of your business, so run off, squirrel." The boy smirked. Hae-in's glare grew sharper. However, he was unfazed. "I don't know where you came from, so just— ow!"

Hae-in kicked him in the back of his leg and quickly grabbed Jin-woo by his arm to drag him away.

"She took Sung!"

"They are getting away!"

Jin-woo managed to catch up on her pace as they dashed across the street, getting away from the bullies as possible. Hae-in kept a firm grip around his wrist. And even though they had gotten farther, their legs couldn't surrender and just kept on running as though an army of monsters were chasing them.

In the end, they found themselves at the ice cream shop.

With Jin-woo's rumbling stomach, mixed with exhaustion, and so was Hae-in, they decided to treat themselves something cold and sweet. Their favorite. But, even with his hunger being satisfied, Jin-woo felt a huge hole inside of him, thinking back to the way his best friend had stood up for him, he felt so vulnerable.

It wasn't the first time Hae-in had defended him against the ones who were picking up on him. She was fierce and brave. She was not afraid to face others despite how bad they were. Unlike him. . . With a futile body and only had his brain to get through anything instead of brawn.

"Are you okay, Jin-woo? You've been silent ever since we sat down." Hae-in said to him.

Jin-woo frowned. After swallowing the chocolate ice cream in his mouth, his set his spoon into his cup and faced his best friend. "You are always the one who protects me, Hae-in. I will never stand a chance against bullies. . . I want to be strong!" He said. "I want to be the one who protects you this time!"

"Jin-woo. . . " Hae-in released a chuckle. "Don't make it into a burden. I'm just doing what I do as your friend, right? Besides, you always help me out with my studies."

"But still," he pouted. "You've been standing up for me, so I want to do the same. I hate being weak."

"Who says you are weak?" Hae-in raised a brow. "Remember when you climbed a tree to get your sister's balloon? That's actually brave of you!"

Jin-woo rolled his eyes. "But I never done something for you. Maybe if I can get strong enough, I'll deal with bullies myself and then—"

"You talk too much." Hae-in cut him off and leaned forward to grab a spoonful of chocolate ice cream from his cup in one sweep.

"Hey! That's mine!"

She pulled out her spoon out of her mouth and smirked. "Not anymore!"

Jin-woo glared and leaned forward to do the same to her cup, but Hae-in dragged it away and poked her tongue at him.

. . . And just like that, all problems were forgotten, and what was left was two best friends making a fool out of each other while finishing their ice creams. It was almost as if nothing had changed between them right from the start. Hae-in would always be successful in cheering Jin-woo up, knowing which things to crack his face into a smile, and how to uplift his spirit.

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He was seventeen, and so was she.

The students walked out the campus, disintegrating into various groups as they headed to their own way. Jin-woo was walking with his small group of friends, he listened to them chatter and laugh about what happened in their classes, then they were thinking about eating tteokbokki before going home. They turned to him and asked if he was available.

Jin-woo opened his mouth to respond when he felt his phone vibrate against his pocket. It was Hae-in.

[ Hae-in (Pickaxe): the match is starting in a few minutes. Are you sure you are coming? ]

Pickaxe — the nickname he placed in her contact as the reminder of the weapon she used to win against him in the mobile game they had played.

"Shit!" Jin-woo couldn't help but curse. He promised her that he would come and watch the competition in the sport's festival of her school. He turned to his friends. "Sorry, guys, I had to go!"

"What? You can't bail us now, Sung!" Tae-woong whined.

"But I made a promise! Don't worry, I'll hang out with you guys next week."

"Next week is finals, dumbass."

Jin-woo sighed. "Maybe tomorrow— see you guys!"

With that, he sprinted across the street and held his hand up to the incoming bus to climb up into the vehicle in hasty steps. Meanwhile, his friends were left in shock. They knew Jin-woo was a man of word, so whatever promise he made, he must fulfill it even if it meant abandoning whatever responsibility he had. They were also aware of that pretty blondie whom he had been best friends with since he was a kid.

"He will never stop prioritizing his other friend, huh?" Tae-woong deadpanned.

Younggil shrugged his shoulders. "What can you say? Hyung talks about her a lot."

"Whatever. Let's move along and eat." Tae-woong intertwined his fingers on the back of his head and led the way. "I won't be surprised if I wake up the next day and they're dating each other."

One of his friends laughed. "You're just afraid that he will get a girlfriend before you!"

"Please, Jin-woo is an idiot when it comes to love," huffed Tae-woong. "I pity him with all my heart."

Jin-woo pushed through the crowd and squeezed against the people as much as he could until he reached the front where a couple of runners dashed past him. He quickly scanned the field, hoping to catch a glimpse of that passionate athlete among them. He got stuck in traffic, so he had no choice but to run all the way to the venue.

Finally, he saw her.

Hae-in, who had been jogging and exercising to maintain her athletic physique, was running ahead of her competitors. Her determination was strong on her face. Jin-woo began to cheer and shout for her even though he was not sure if she was going to hear it. Over the years, Hae-in had been first place, with a few second places, in all competitions she had participated, she had brought home medals that had become the diamonds in her parents' eyes.

Jin-woo had got into track and field in his school as well, yet never chose to be involved in competitions. He had only joined the sport since it gave additional grades for being a member of a club. And it also gave him a new habit to run with Hae-in during their weekend mornings. Hae-in helped him out and became his personal "coach".

He stood near the finishing line, therefore it gave him the clear opportunity to witness the winner. And as expected. . . Hae-in was the one who tore through the ribbon. The crowd went wild, but Jin-woo cheered for her name and waved his hand in the air to catch her attention. Hae-in met his gaze and her lips curved into a broad smile in the midst of her panting breaths.

Her smile had always been the brightest thing ever.

Hae-in was easier to smile than Jin-woo. She wouldn't hide her smile from anything that brought her joy. She was serious about the things she had put her heart into, namely her rising hall of fame in track and field, which was the reason why she always succeed. She never gave up.

[ Jin-woo (Shady Monarch): I'm at the entrance. ]

[ Hae-in (Pickaxe): okay! Wait for me there:) ]

Jin-woo stashed his phone into his pocket. People walked past him as they departed from the festival. He thought of treating her for a meal as a reward for the sweat she had poured herself into just to get to the finishing line. Then, he saw a bunch of girls heading to his direction.

"Hi~" the first one tucked her hair behind her ear. She giggled. "I've never seen you around. What are you doing here, handsome?"

"I'm waiting for someone." Jin-woo answered simply.

"Is that so? Well, the girls and I are wondering if you could join us. We are also meeting some boys as well, so—" the girl paused, noticing he was scrolling through his phone. "Uh, are you listening?"

No response.

"Don't leave us hanging! We can include your friend to our—"

"Jin-woo!"

Jin-woo raised his head and his eyes lit up and left his spot to make his way toward Hae-in, leaving the group of girls as though they did not exist. "Let's go?"

She nodded. "Yes, we should—"

"Oh, I didn't know the star athlete has a boyfriend," the girls walked up to the pair. Their eyes glinted in mischief. "Now I get why you are ignoring us."

Hae-in rolled her eyes. "He's not my boyfriend. He is my best friend."

"Really? In that case," a girl grabbed Jin-woo's arm. He widened his eyes at her. "He is single, right?"

Hae-in caught Jin-woo's helpless look. He was uncomfortable when someone he didn't know touched him so shamelessly. She sighed and stepped closer to the girl. "You should probably let him go. It's making him uneasy."

"She's right." Jin-woo pried the girl's hand off him. He cleared his throat to speak in a blunt tone. "And no, I will not go out with you."

His answer left the girl dropped her jaw in aghast and so did the rest of the group. Jin-woo and Hae-in took the chance to get away from them and left the campus by taking the bus. Right, growing up together meant helping each other out when one was in a terrible situation, and by terrible — having people ask them out on a date.

Jin-woo got to experience them the most. Sure enough, puberty had been too kind with him and blessed him with a fine physique and handsome features, which were enough to attract ladies. He made sure to stay away from them and not entertain them further since he was not into the topic of dating. He preferred to focus on graduating rather than be in a temporary relationship with someone.

Hae-in was the same. With her popularity in sports, male athletes had become enamored with her that Jin-woo heard her stories of guys pestering her. It always aggravated him to know how people kept breaking into her boundaries. He even punched a guy once when it happened right in front of him.

They both struggled and just covered it up with a joke. But, of course, there were times they got teased as lovers and had people, mostly Jin-woo's friends, ask them if they were in a relationship. The two would laugh it out and deny it since they were only best friends.

Jin-woo didn't think of Hae-in as anything else except she was the first and longest friendship he had ever had. And Hae-in shared the same sentiment. They knew each other better than anyone else and were most comfortable when around each other.

They would let their guard down around each other and become the safe place they needed.

. . . Especially when one of them were having the roughest time in life.

When Jin-woo had opened the door, he saw Hae-in, whose eyes were stained with tears and so did her cheeks. Before he could ask, she immediately rushed to his arms and buried her face against his shoulder, sobbing terribly. Jin-woo wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back with his palm to try soothing her down, feeling his chest clench in pain at the state his best friend had gotten into.

"I need you, Jin-woo," Hae-in whispered and sobbed.

Jin-woo led her to the couch without letting her go from his arms. Jin-ah rubbed Hae-in's back while Kyung-hye placed a glass of water on the coffee table. Ill-hwang sat on the sofa and waited for the conversation, he could tell Hae-in must've ran from home since she couldn't handle the conflict under her roof.

"Hey? What happened?" Jin-woo gently asked her.

Hae-in swallowed and wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "M— my. . . My parents. They were fighting and decided to get a divorce."

"Oh, dear. . . I'm so sorry." Kyung-hye frowned. "I am sure none of it is your fault, so don't blame yourself."

"I'm trying not to." Hae-in murmured.

Jin-woo squeezed her arm. "Everything will be fine, Hae-in. It may take a long time, but I am always here. My family too."

She sniffled. "Thanks, Jin-woo."

"You can spend the night here, Hae-in, if you are not ready to go home." Ill-hwang suggested.

"Dad is right. You can't handle getting home in this state." Jin-woo agreed. "We can watch a movie with Jin-ah since we don't have school tomorrow."

"Yeah! I will make some snacks too." Jin-ah grinned.

Her brother flashed her a disapproving look. "Who says you can step into the kitchen already?"

Hae-in let out a chuckle and wiped her tears without moving away from Jin-woo's side. Kyung-hye decided that she would be the one in charge of the food to stop her two children from bickering and called Ill-hwang to assist her. It was the right decision for her to go to her best friend's house instead of lingering in hers, which was filled with angry shouts coming from both for her parents that reached to her bedroom.

Part of her wished she had a family as happy as Jin-woo's family. The kind of family where all problems would be solved without yelling. But— what would happen now? Could she handle spending her days with having only one parent?

Hae-in shook her head and saw the small smile in Jin-woo's face. It was as if he was telling her not to worry too much. She smiled back.

He was always there for her. . .

Like how she was there for him.

Hae-in was there when he injured himself. She was there when he was having a panic attack due to his mother being admitted to the hospital after fainting. She was there when he was having a hard time with school. She was there when he had lost confidence on himself. . .

They were inseparable and were there for each other in good and bad times.

But. . . How long could they be there for each other?

"Ah, Jin-woo! Are you looking for Hae-in?" The woman asked. "She's in her room."

"Thank you, Mrs. Cha." Jin-woo dipped his head in gratitude and made his way to the direction of her room.

The door was not locked, thankfully, so he first knocked on the door. "Hae-in? It's me. I got your message."

No response.

So, Jin-woo twisted the knob and pushed the door open. Her room had always been clean, as if nobody was occupying it, but it was empty — she wasn't here. The window was open though. Jin-woo made his way toward it and peered his head to the outside and looked up. There she was.

He climbed up and walked across the roof and sat down beside her. The wind was chilly, so it was fortunate that he wore his black hoodie, and the night sky was incredibly vast above them. He turned to Hae-in, who wore an oversized brown sweater over her blue long-sleeved shirt and a pair of white sweatpants.

She caught his eyes and her lips tugged into a smile. "Watch the stars with me? They're beautiful tonight."

Jin-woo flickered his gaze to the sky, specked with countless of stars. He smiled softly. "They are."

"I wish I can stay like this forever, you know? Looking at the stars without thinking about a single problem. . . Everything is so at peace." Hae-in inhaled the gentle, cold air. "Don't you think the same thing, Jin-woo?"

He nodded. "You are right. The night has always been beautiful."

"I probably won't see anything like this. . . " Hae-in murmured. "Because I will be leaving the country."

Jin-woo had never turned his head so fast that he could snap his own neck. "You— what?"

"I am." Hae-in nodded without looking at him. She tucked her knees close to her chest. "A week after my parents were officially separated, my mom met someone from America and decided to move there."

"But we still haven't graduated from school. . . "

"Exactly. But my mom already had everything prepared. I will be spending my college years there too." After a sigh, Hae-in looked at him and smiled, her eyes beginning to glimmer like the stars. "You'll miss me, won't you?"

Jin-woo held back his tears. "Of— of course! What kind of best friend am I if I am not going to miss you?"

"Good to know." Hae-in chuckled. "Do you. . . Do you think everything will change between us, Jin-woo? I'm— I'm scared. What if there will be a day where we—"

"Hey! Nothing is going to change between us. I will still be the Jin-woo you know." He told her. "And you are still the Hae-in I know. Distance means nothing, alright?"

A single tear slid down her cheek. "I don't wanna go."

Me neither. Jin-woo wished he could say the words in his mind right now, but he knew they wouldn't be helpful in the situation. He would only bring Hae-in's spirit down. She needed to do this. She must go with the only family she had left.

He wrapped her into his arms. Even if this might be their last moment, Jin-woo wanted to hold his best friend, protect her from everything, for the last time. He couldn't imagine what his days would be — void of the person who had been in his life ever since he was a kid. They grew up together. They spent so many memories together that they were still not enough.

Hae-in's embrace was firm and strong, almost enough to crush someone. But Jin-woo was used to it. When Hae-in hugs, she was hugging with all her heart, and all words that were left unspoken were there. In their situation, she didn't want to let go, and neither did Jin-woo, she wanted to live her life with the ones she dearly loved close.

"Can you keep a promise?" She murmured. "A promise that you'll come meet me once I return?"

"Of course," he said within a heartbeat, "I promise that I will definitely meet you again."

Two best friends, made a promise under hundreds of stars. That no matter how long their distance was going to be, they would always meet each other, never let their memories together be buried.

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Communication with someone who was thousands of miles away was hard. They tried to reach out to each other as much as they could. But the lines could not meet. It was painful that at one point. . . They just stopped trying. They let their chances dwindle into the air like ashes and could only grasp onto the promise they had made to each other.

Several years marched on, they lived their lives without the knowledge of what the other was doing.

Jin-woo had turned twenty-five.

. . . And so did Hae-in.

After years of living in America, Hae-in was finally given the opportunity to fly to South Korea, her true home. Antares, her stepfather, had already prepared a car that would be awaiting for her arrival in the airport to bring her to the hotel he had accommodated for her.

Her new life wasn't as bad as she thought. Antares was a rich businessman whom her mother had been working for and had been in love with each other. But the thought of their love story made Hae-in's stomach clench in disgust, realizing how easily her mother had given in to the divorce because she was already in love with someone else, so she chose not to think about it and respected Antares as her stepfather.

Antares was actually gentle toward her, unlike in his job where he was strict and known for having a burning temper, though he had never done anything wrong or even laid a hand, so it was difficult for Hae-in to dislike him. He helped her and supported her throughout their years together.

"Are you settled in your room now?"

Hae-in sighed. "I just arrived in the building, dad."

"Okay, that's good. Don't forget to rest as you still have a jet lag from the flight."

"I know."

"I will tell your mother that you have arrived in South Korea. Oh, and—" Antares paused. It took a minute for him to return to the call. "Right. Your Aunt Esha came and told me to remind you to wear the clothes she bought for you."

"Fine. . . "

"Stay safe, Hae-in."

The call ended and the limo stopped in front of the entrance. Hae-in opened the door and snuck out whilst two employees came to bring her luggages out of the back of the car. When she stepped into the building, she was instantly greeted by a familiar face whom she met in college. His glasses glistened under the bright lights and his red hair was parted above his left eyebrow, standing tall and professional in his brown and black suit.

"Look who arrived!" He grinned at her.

"Jong-in." Hae-in smiled in spite of her slacking state. "Have you been waiting long for me?"

"Yes, I have been standing here all night just for you!" Jong-in said, then he flashed her a look. "No, it was your stepdad who told me to wait for you after you had left the airport."

Hae-in laughed. "Well, I should get some rest. See you la— KYA!"

"Surprise!" Someone wrapped their arms around her from behind.

Ah yes, she knew that voice all too well. . . Esil Radiru. One of her closest friends in school and had a soul full of sunshine despite her style of black, gold, and purple. Even so that she had dyed her hair purple since she was young.

"Esil! Since when did you get here?" Hae-in asked. Her jet lag seemed to wear off because of her lively friend.

"I'm just right behind you, duh!" Esil giggled.

Meanwhile, Jong-in sighed and nudged his glasses. "You two should keep it down. I don't want to face the hotel manager because of the ruckus."

The two girls laughed and made their way to the elevator, followed by the hotel employees who were carrying their belongings. They parted ways when they reached their designated floor and the first thing Hae-in did when she entered the room was to drop herself on the bed.

She was in South Korea. . . Home at last.

She missed the weather, the cold season, the streets, the food, the fresh air, the parks, the blossoms, and— her friends.

People whom she was forced to leave behind, but. . . She was here now. Could they still remember her? Hae-in had stopped communicating with any of them due to the timing conflicts and schedules. She took out her phone and scrolled through the numbers which she kept over the years with the hopes of being able to get in touch with them.

She called the first contact.

"CHA HAE-IN?!" It was Lee Ju-hee, one of her closest friends in high school

Hae-in had to move her phone away due to the voice. She laughed. "Yes, it's me."

"Oh my God!! When did you arrive?" Ju-hee asked. "How are you? How was America? Did you become an athlete there too?"

"Easy with the questions!" Hae-in said. "Yes, I arrived just a few moments ago. I've been doing great, most especially now that I still managed to contact you in spite of all these years."

"Of course! I had your number saved no matter what because I knew you'd be going back just like what you said." Ju-hee's smile was evident in her tone that Hae-in could picture it in front of her eyes. "And, it's perfect that you're back! We are having a reunion party and I was hoping that you could come."

Hae-in shifted to the other side of the mattress. "Of course, I will. Where is the party located?"

"At Hotel SSS."

Hae-in suddenly sprung upward. "That's where I am staying!"

Her friend gasped. "Really? OMG!"

Sleep forgotten, the two girls spent the next few hours chatting with each other, catching up on the days Hae-in had missed since she was living in the other side of the globe. Ju-hee was one of her closest friends in high school, along with others that Hae-in was yet to meet again, and she was also now a professional nurse in one of the country's best hospitals.

It was amazing how one of her dearest friends had become successful in life. Hae-in could only wonder what would it be for the rest once she crossed path with them again. After ending the call, she realized she got five hours left to prepare, so lucky for her, Esil was around and she was the only one who could help her.

Hae-in brought out a luggage, which was filled with lavish clothes purchased by Querehsha, Antares' adopted sister, the day before her flight. It took several tries of the clothes before Hae-in chose the right one — she didn't wish to stand out just because she came from another country.

The attire had hugged her figure comfortably. It was a black blouse that showed her shoulder blades, matched with a pair of soft trousers and a golden belt around her waist to accentuate the look; her feet was adorned with brown sandals and her wrist had a silver bracelet that was the same color as her dangling earrings. Her makeup was light and her lips were coated in soft pink to blend in her skin tone.

She was both anxious and thrilled. What would others think of her? Would they still see her as the same Hae-in they had last seen? Hae-in didn't want to make it look like she had changed. She hoped they wouldn't view her as a stranger, and she hoped their reaction would be the same as Ju-hee's.

When the time hit eight o' five, she felt she was ready.

Jong-in and Esil were with her since Ju-hee said it was alright to tag other people along since she would also be bringing along some people to the event. Hae-in wanted to introduce her two friends to her other friends because she thought they deserved to know the ones who had kept her company.

There were already a lot of people in the event when they had arrived in the top floor. Many familiar faces were seen, yet Hae-in only aimed to meet the ones she had dearly missed. It didn't take long for her to find them, they were gathered next to the table that featured desserts as they chattered.

"Ju-hee!" She called out.

Ju-hee turned around and instantly stretched her lips into a broad smile. Her ginger hair was made into a half-ponytail and loose waves down to her waistline. She wore a beautiful green dress that traveled below her knees. "Hae-in!"

The two girls rushed to each other for an embrace, squeezing each other tightly to express how long they had been longing to reunite, then they pulled away. Ju-hee looked over her shoulder and waved her hand. "Guys! She's here!"

Baek Yoon-ho was the next one to greet her. "Hae-in! It's been so long since the last time I'd seen you in school."

"Likewise, Yoon-ho," chuckled Hae-in. She gestured to her two friends. "These are Choi Jong-in and Esil Radiru. They are my friends when I was studying in America."

"Hello! Hae-in told me so much about you all!" Esil smiled with a light bounce in her grey dress.

On the other hand, Jong-in just dipped his head and placed his hand to his chest. "Pleased to meet you."

Yoon-ho huffed. "I didn't know you are friends with royalty, Hae-in."

"For your information, I was raised in a high class family, which is why I have manners." Jong-in told him with a subtle glare.

"You sure don't know how to take compliments, Mr. Choi."

Hae-in rolled her eyes at the two and found another face in their circle. "Byung-gyu! I didn't think you'd be here too!"

"Ju-hee forced me to tag along." Byung-gyu shrugged.

"You two know each other?" Hae-in raised an eyebrow.

"Well, yes. Technically, we are— ow!" Byung-gyu winced when Ju-hee had hit him on the side with her elbow. "What was that for?!"

"I told you I am going to be the one to announce it and you'll announce the other thing!" Ju-hee said. She turned to Hae-in, who was still looking at them in confusion. "Byung-gyu and I are dating. We met in college and thanks to having similar friends, we hit off."

"That's great to hear! I wish you happiness in your relationship." Hae-in smiled.

"Gee. . . You hadn't changed at all." Byung-gyu chuckled. "How did you manage being the same person? Usually, people who hadn't seen each other for a long time will notice major differences."

"I guess that was my goal when I was in the states," Hae-in shrugged. "Mom did say I changed quite a bit, but I didn't mind it too much."

Byung-gyu smiled. "That's good."

"And what is the other thing that you are going to announce, Byung-gyu?" Hae-in asked.

Ju-hee smiled at her boyfriend with an anticipating smile. Byung-gyu rubbed the back of his neck and opened his mouth to speak.

In an instant, Hae-in felt her heart race.

Jin-woo rinsed his hands with the running water and switched the faucet off. He faced his reflection in the mirror and lightly ran his fingers through his hair and fixed his fringes on his forehead, making sure they hadn't left their arrangement. Once he was satisfied, he made his way out of the comfort room and returned to the party to go to his friends.

Tae-gyu was the one who saw him and flashed his signature smirk. There were Jin-ho, Byung-gyu, Yoon-ho, Ju-hee, Hee-jin, and two other people he did not know. He was sure he hadn't seen them either when he was standing amongst the crowd.

He did not understand the point of these events — these were just people showing off how far they had come in life. And since he didn't had one, Byung-gyu dragged him and Tae-gyu because his girlfriend had told him to go. Jin-woo didn't understand how he managed to give into his friend's wishes, and yet, he was here.

But at least it was his excuse to skip his shift in the precinct.

"Hyung! Where did you go?" Jin-ho asked him.

"I just went to the washroom." Jin-woo said. "Did I miss something?"

"Oh, you missed big time!" Tae-gyu placed his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Before anything else, I'd like to introduce you to our guests — Choi Jong-in and Esil Radis."

"It's— Radiru." The purple-haired girl held her index finger.

"You must be Sung Jin-woo." The one with glasses and a maroon suit, Jong-in, spoke.

"The one and only!" Jin-ho chimed in with a toothy grin

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Choi." Jin-woo nodded.

Jong-in grinned in return.

"Wait— are you Jin-woo?" The girl next to him piped up.

"You just heard his name, Esil." Jong-in sighed.

Esil suddenly appeared in front of him and covered her hands on her mouth to let out a gasp. Jin-woo blinked. "Yes?"

"This is so amazing! I finally got to meet the guy Hae-in tells me a lot about!" Esil squealed.

Jin-woo blinked again. But as the words dawned on him, his eyes widened. "Hold on. . . Hae-in is here?!"

"She just got here after you had gone to the washroom." Ju-hee said. "She went outside to get some fresh air, I think."

"Maybe she's just too nervous." Hee-jin giggled. "I can see how her expression changed when Byung-gyu told her about you."

"I'll have to excuse myself, guys," Jin-woo declared.

"Don't worry about us. Go and see Hae-in! Just don't take too long, otherwise we might be speculating interesting things." Tae-gyu wiggled his eyebrows.

He sent him a death glare. "Shut up."

Jin-woo went to the terrace and a breeze swayed his dark blue necktie past his chest. There were less people around here than in the inside, partly due to the frigid atmosphere. He walked around and scanned his surroundings. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to point which one was Hae-in. But Ju-hee said she was here, therefore she could be just around the corner or at the edge to see the city below.

For the first time ever, Jin-woo felt his heart race.

It wasn't the thrill of capturing criminals, and no, it wasn't the thrill of catching up to his favorite episodes either. It was the thrill of meeting the person he had been waiting to come back. She left when they were seventeen, gone for eight years, came back when they were twenty-five.

What should he say to her? Hello? Hi? Jin-woo needed to calm himself down. . .

By the time he got back to his reality, he found her. She had her back facing him while she had her attention to the vast world. Jin-woo had a pounding feeling that it was her, it was the short blonde hair that he knew all his life, so it must be her.

Jin-woo opened his mouth, and then closed it, every word etched in his mind had faded away. He extended his head as if to reach out to her. And finally, his voice came in a whisper like the subtle wind.

"Hae-in."

The world came into a pause. . .

Their eyes met. Memories crashed like waves kissing the sand. Jin-woo had never felt so surreal. . . And just then, a body was pressed to his own and a sweet scent of strawberries wafted in his nose in tresses of gold. Her arms were around his neck — and it all had to take was his arms to envelope her waist to cause his heart to do somersaults.

"You are here." God, her voice sounded like the first drop of blossom would be.

Jin-woo sighed through his nose. "You came back."

"You—" Hae-in failed to hold back her own laugh after she untangled herself from him. "Idiot!"

"What did I do?" Jin-woo looked at her in confusion.

Hae-in smiled widely. "Nothing. I just missed you so much, Jin-woo!"

"I missed you too, Hae-in." Jin-woo chuckled. Much more.

"You look like you're still the same boy I last saw." Hae-in said. "How is it going, Jin-woo?"

"I. . . " Great, he was loss of words again.

She frowned. "Are you okay? Aren't you the one who said that distance means nothing?"

"No, I mean— yes! I—" Jin-woo sighed and scratched the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, Hae-in. I guess I am just too surprised to see you again after almost a decade."

"It's all right. I feel quite the same." Hae-in smiled softly. "If you want, we can sit somewhere and talk."

"That'll be great." Jin-woo smiled back.

They found an empty bench and sat next to each other. The only problem was that there was a few inches of distance between them. At first, they were silent rather than talking in the way they were supposed to. Jin-woo couldn't help but feel frustrated at himself, remembering all those words he had said to her that night, he told her that nothing would change. They were still best friends.

"It's nice to be back in Seoul. I missed this place a lot and never spent a day without thinking about it." Hae-in began. "For the first time in eight years, I felt freedom and at home."

"Well, you made a lot of memories here. And I'm sure you made new ones in America too." Jin-woo said.

"Yeah, but it isn't the same as here. I had a hard time adjusting to everything, especially when you're the stepdaughter of a powerful businessman, but. . . I got through it. I stuck close with Esil and Jong-in." Hae-in said

"That's nice to hear."

"What about you? How have you been in these eight whole years?" She turned to him, her earrings swaying in the light breeze as her hair.

Jin-woo sighed. There had been a lot of things that had happened to him. . . He got through high school with his friends, got a job as a detective, helped his sister with her college fees, witnessed Jin-ah graduate, supported his father when it came to finance, and many others that he lost count of.

To be frank, he had not realized how far he had come. Until now.

"I became a detective." He answered.

"Wow, that is amazing. I remember you once mentioning it, though I can't recall the exact day." Hae-in pondered.

Jin-woo chuckled. "It's been many years, so no need to pressure yourself into remembering it. We start to forget many things as we grow older."

"Indeed." Hae-in concurred. "So. . . Byung-gyu and Ju-hee are dating. What about you? Any particular girl?"

"You won't actually believe if I tell you." Jin-woo snickered. "No, I am not dating anyone."

"What? But you're twenty-five! And look at yourself, I'm sure a lot of women must be swooning over you."

"I just don't have the time."

"You said the same thing even when we were in school." Hae-in huffed.

Jin-woo rolled his eyes. "In that case, let me ask you the same thing. Are you involved with some handsome guy in America?"

"Nope!" Hae-in said, popping the 'p'. "I don't find any suitable guy. Sure, most of them are nice, but I just couldn't see myself getting involved with them in any other way."

"Seems like we are still in the same page after all." Jin-woo grinned.

They talked some more after that. There were little bits of laughter, some teases, some smiles, and subtle glances to remind themselves that this wasn't a dream. Hae-in still looked the same, but as Jin-woo looked closely, she had somehow matured while having that youthful glint radiating from her. She was still as bright and sweet as before.

They eventually stopped when they realized they had left their friends inside and were probably wondering what was taking them so long. So, they got up from the bench and Hae-in suddenly shivered in the wind, Jin-woo peeled off his dark blue blazer to drape it over her shoulders. She smiled at him in return. Jin-woo felt at ease, which he remembered the day he wrapped a towel around Hae-in's body after she was soaked in the rain.

He didn't know how long he had spent talking with Hae-in until he noticed there were some people who were heading to the exit. It seemed the party was over. But his friends were still around though, chattering with Hae-in's new friends.

"There you two are! Geez, have you forgotten about the time?" Yoon-ho said.

"I told you, hyung, they are having a very special moment in their lives!" Tae-gyu said. "How are you feeling, Jin-woo?"

"Good." Jin-woo nodded.

"What about you, Hae-in? You look like you're getting tired." Hee-jin remarked.

"Oh, well, I haven't got some shut-eye since I came to the hotel." Hae-in chuckled. "I think I should head back even though I badly want to catch up with you all."

"Don't worry about it! We can set a date to hang out again." Ju-hee smiled at her in reassurance.

"Thank you, Ju-hee," Hae-in smiled back. She took off the blazer from her shoulders and handed it back to its owner. "Thanks for lending me this, Jin-woo."

"It's alright. Just get some rest." Jin-woo said, taking back his jacket.

Hae-in nodded her head at him and left with Jong-in and Esil out of the hall. Jin-woo watched her departing figure, his mind replayed the time they had spent together in the terrace — the first time they had been around each other in many years. His emotions when he saw the cab drove her away came clashing like it happened yesterday.

"What are you going to do next, hyung-nim?" Jin-ho went to his side.

"What do you mean by that, Jin-ho?"

"Well, since Hae-in is back, surely you have other plans, right?"

Jin-woo looked at his friend with an odd look. "What plans?"

"God, have you lost your braincells during your talk with Ms. Cha? Your childhood best friend is here, so how are you going to hang out with her?" Tae-gyu elaborated. "Besides, we don't know how long she is going to be in Korea."

Oh. It finally dawned on him. Hae-in did mention to him that she had been trying to convince her mother and stepfather to let her go back to South Korea, and only did when she had managed to proved herself enough that she could take care of herself. But she did not mention him how long she would stay. Or even Jin-woo had asked her to. He was too caught up that he had forgotten about such a thing.

He pressed his lips together. "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"It's been several years, Tae-gyu. How many days she had left before going back again?"

Tae-gyu sighed then rubbed his friend's shoulder. "Admit it, Jin-woo. You are just afraid to see her go away again."

Maybe I do, maybe I might. Jin-woo bit his cheek. "You know what? Let's just go. We still have a shift with Jin-chul tomorrow morning and we can't have him chop our heads off, can we?"

"Right." Tae-gyu chuckled. He turned to the rest. "Hey! Jin-woo wants to go home. Anybody wants to ride with him?"

Jin-woo's eyebrows shot up. "What?!"

"Me!"

"Oh! Can you drop me off at the bookstore?"

"Wait for me, hyung!"

Sigh. . . Jin-woo scratched the side of his hair.

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"Ahhhh!!!!" Esil squealed as she rolled around the bed. She pressed a pillow close to her chest. "Hae-in! You never told me how handsome Jin-woo is!"

"Is that even necessary?" Hae-in said, scrubbing her hair with her towel.

"Oh, come on~ you gotta miss seeing his face!"

She chuckled. "Maybe I do. But it's not like I'm going to babble how good he looks. I don't need words to prove it."

"Ha! So you do agree he's handsome!" Esil pointed her finger at her friend.

"Shut up." Hae-in rolled her eyes. Deep inside, it felt breathtaking to see his face again. That timid boy she had met and grew up with had grown into a man. If anything, she felt as though she was seeing a different person, learning how he had been throughout these years. . . It pierced her heart.

Esil cleared her throat to get her attention. "Are you two going to hang out?"

"I'm not sure, Esil. Jin-woo seems pretty busy with work and I don't want to disturb him into hanging out with me." Hae-in told her.

"But he's your best friend! You haven't seen each other for a long time."

"We're adults now. Not high schoolers. But, I do hope that we'd get some time together just like we used to."

Esil sighed and flipped to her back, placing the pillow on her stomach. "You know, when you two came inside, you look cute together. Are you sure Jin-woo doesn't have a crush on you or you crushing on him?"

"Pfft— me and Jin-woo? No!" Hae-in huffed. "I was gone from his life for eight years, that's impossible."

"But, if you hadn't left, do you think there is a possibility?"

Hae-in fell silent. She continued to scrub her hair with her towel and headed to the bathroom to drape it over the rack then walked back to her room where Esil was patiently waiting for her answer. But instead, she sat on the edge of her bed, letting the mattress dip on her weight, and plopped down.

"I don't know either." She said.

Not once she had thought of herself and Jin-woo being more than friends. Surely, he felt the same way. And yes, Jin-woo was indeed an attractive man in both inside and outside, he could sweep a woman off her feet just by his gaze. But Hae-in had never pictured herself being that "woman".

Besides, Jin-woo would find himself falling for someone else sooner or later.

And Hae-in? She had no hopes for a love life on her own. Her life in America had proved it, and with her status as the stepdaughter of Antares, businessman would come to her and offer her hand in marriage to their sons. That was also the reason she used to persuade her family into allowing her to get flight tickets.

She needed to get away.

After getting a sufficient sleep, Hae-in woke up to a message from Ju-hee, inviting her for lunch. She immediately got up and spent her breakfast with her two friends, Hae-in offered them to come with her, but they declined — Jong-in had a meeting with someone and Esil wanted to see the blossoms. A few moments later, Hae-in left the hotel and went on a cab to bring her to her desired location.

Ju-hee greeted her, along with Hee-jin, Byung-gyu, Yoon-ho, and Tae-gyu, who was wearing a detective uniform with an I.D lace. Hae-in waved her hand at them. However, she noticed there was someone missing in the table. A small part of her crushed, but she didn't want to ruin the mood when she could be with her friends once again.

Like she said, he was busy with his work.

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"You're back early."

Jin-woo looked up from his computer. "Oh, hey!"

Jin-chul rolled his eyes and took a sip on his coffee. "I am surprised Lim Tae-gyu isn't around. The two of you usually return in the office together."

"Well. . . He went off to spend lunch with some of our friends."

"Then why didn't you go?"

"I have some work to do."

"Work? Don't make me laugh, Sung," scoffed Jin-chul. "Since when do you get back to office work so fast? The only time you get motivated is when it's time to chase criminals."

"Ha ha." Jin-woo rolled his eyes. He grabbed a paper from the stack next to him and scrolled down the screen.

"Oh, I heard your childhood friend came back from another country. Are you going to leave work early?"

"I'm not sure." Jin-woo said.

His senior raised an eyebrow. "Why are you not sure? Or maybe you just don't want to?"

Jin-woo stopped moving the mouse.

"Gotcha." Jin-chul let out a grin and took another sip. "A piece of advice, don't hold yourself back because of whatever fear you have. And don't make excuses either. Think about what she feels and do something about it before it's too late."

He walked away after that, leaving Jin-woo in his pool of thoughts.

No, he had a great time when he got reunited with her. All his emotions were true. Sure, he hadn't seen her for so long that he forgot to act normally, but that could've been just one thing. Jin-woo needed to register his emotions before he do something foolish.

He waited for her every day.

When they stopped keeping in touch, Jin-woo still checked his phone. He held on the hope of her coming back no matter how long it would be. If he could, he'd rather keep her in his arms and—

Jin-woo shook his head and concentrated on his work before Jin-chul catches him and says something else. Then, he heard his phone let out a ding.

[ Jin-ah (gremlin): big brother! Can you buy some chicken? Mom's tired from cleaning the house and dad isn't home yet. ]

[ Jin-woo (Psycho Brother): you got a job now. You do it. ]

[ Jin-ah (Gremlin): pleaseee!!!!! JUST THIS ONCE! ]

[ Jin-ah (Gremlin): *sends a bowing gif* ]

Jin-woo sighed.

[ Jin-woo (Psycho Brother): fine. ]

And so, after ending his shift, Jin-woo grabbed his bag and jacket off his chair and bid farewell to his co-workers. He got into his car and drove to the restaurant that served roasted chicken in takeouts. The cashier flashed him a sweet smile in the entire time, yet he chose to patiently waited for his order to arrive.

After his order came, with the chicken being served in a container inside of a plastic bag, Jin-woo took it and made his way out of the restaurant. His car was parked right in front of the place, he took his keys from his pocket when somebody suddenly bumped into him, causing the keys to slip out of his fingers.

"I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking properly in my path!"

As soon as he retrieved his keys from the ground. Jin-woo looked to his right side and his eyes suddenly stretched wide. "Hae-in?"

"Jin-woo!" Hae-in parted her mouth in surprise. She cleared her throat. "It's— it's nice to see you here."

"Same here." Jin-woo nodded his head. He bit his cheek and looked at the bag he was holding. "Uh, do you want to come with me? My sister asked me to buy dinner and since you're here— you should meet them."

She blinked. "Really?"

"Of course. They missed you too, you know?" The corner of his mouth twitched into a grin.

Hae-in smiled and accepted his offer.

The car ride was quiet, almost awkward for his own good. Jin-woo kept throwing furtive glances at Hae-in, who was looking through the window, and not even the music from the radio made a big help. His fingers curled around the steering wheel as he contemplated which sentence to say.

"So. . . You had lunch with the guys." He began.

"Yeah." Hae-in nodded.

"I'm sorry if I wasn't there. I had to finish some work, so I wouldn't have to overtime."

Hae-in's lips twitched into a smile. "I understand."

And just like that, the conversation died.

Was this the effect of an eight-year miscommunication? Everything was just so. . . Awkward.

Fortunately, after enduring another painful few minutes, they finally arrived at the house. Jin-woo pulled into the driveway and turned off the engines. He and Hae-in simultaneously got out of the vehicle and headed to the door; however, Jin-woo could sense her jittery, so he reached out and lightly squeezed her hand in reassurance. They got inside and took off their shoes whilst he handed her a pair of slippers to wear.

"Brother, is that you?" Jin-ah appeared. Right when her gaze found the family's unexpected visitor, she let out a gasp. "HAE-IN!"

Hae-in suddenly had Jin-ah's arms around her tightly. Her face broke into a broad grin. But with her arms trapped in the girl's embrace, she laughed. "I'm so glad to see you, Jin-ah! You've grown a lot. . . "

"I thought you are never coming back!" Jin-ah exclaimed as if she was close to tearing up. She looked at her brother and glowered at him. "Why didn't you tell me that she's here?!"

"Call it a surprise." Jin-woo shrugged plainly.

Ill-hwang and Kyung-hye soon appeared because of the ruckus, they too were elated upon seeing Hae-in in their home. They settled in the dinner table and spent the entire night talking to Hae-in, asking how she had been, and the smile in her face could lit up the entire world. Jin-woo almost lost focus on his meal as he was too occupied with glancing at the woman next to him, it was amusing how his family treated her the same way like before — his parents genuinely adored her and Jin-ah couldn't be happier with the girl who was like a sister to her.

Back then, Hae-in used to eat dinner with them if her parents were still not home. She would help around with the dishes and chatter along. Kyung-hye even let her help with cooking.

Jin-woo chuckled silently to himself. Everything was perfect.

Hae-in stayed longer after dinner to continue talking with Kyung-hye, Ill-hwang, and Jin-ah until Kyung-hye decided it was time for her to get some rest. As expected, Jin-woo would take her home. Jin-ah embraced Hae-in once more and told her to come more often; Hae-in caressed the younger girl's hair and nodded.

If the first car ride was filled with silence, the second one was filled with voices this time. Hae-in expressed how much she missed his family, Jin-woo laughed and gave her more details that she had missed. They joked around through the whole journey until they arrived in the hotel's vicinity, Jin-woo pivoted the wheel around to turn his car's direction to the front.

He walked his best friend to the entrance and stopped as he waited for her to go inside. However, she just stood next to him.

"Jin-woo." Hae-in spoke.

"Yes?"

"You're not. . . Avoiding me, are you?"

Jin-woo paused. The look on Hae-in's face was enough to crack his heart, the sadness and hopefulness whirling in her eyes, and the way she clutched on her bag's strap as if to brace herself. At first, he lowered his head and stashed his hands into his pockets, then he gazed up.

"No. Why would I be avoiding you?" He said.

Hae-in sighed, a small smile curving across her lips. "Nothing. I had a feeling, but I guess I'm just being too sensitive."

Jin-woo stepped closer to her, flashing her a wider smile than hers. "I'm still the same guy, you know?"

"Right. . . " Hae-in chuckled. She threw a glance at the door behind her. "Well, I should head inside. I'll see you soon?"

"Of course."

He watched her walk into the hotel after she waved her hand. Jin-woo's smile slowly subsided, her question repeated in his mind like an echo, his chest clenched at the expression on her face while saying those words.

I'm sorry. Came the unspoken words. I didn't mean to make you feel that way, Hae-in.

Many people, including his friends, looked up to him for being a very brave person. His job brought him into many situations that involved fighting with his bare hands and going against various weapons. But it all had to take was a very special person in his life to crack his armor. . . Jin-woo didn't know how he should face her once more days would begin to pass.

Before her return, he used to dream a lot of what would it be once he crossed paths with her again. But now that she did, it seemed his expectations turned upside down. The line between friendship and something else morphed into a blur. Jin-woo suddenly felt conflicted the more he contemplated deeper into his emotions— why am I feeling this way?

"Sung Jin-woo?"

He turned around and saw a tall man with red hair and a pair of glasses. It was the guy Hae-in had brought along with her in the party. "Oh, it's you— er, John."

"John?" The man widened his eyes in shock at his response. "God— it's Jong-in."

"Sorry." Jin-woo scratched his neck in abashed.

"I'll let this one slide." Jong-in sighed and nudged his glasses. "What are you doing here, Jin-woo? Did you come for Hae-in?"

"No, I just brought her here."

Jong-in nodded. "Then why are you still here? Shouldn't you be heading home now?"

"I am." Jin-woo said and began to make his way to his car, only then to feel a hand on his shoulder.

"You seem conflicted," said Jong-in.

"Not really. . . "

His lips curled into a smirk. "Don't fool me. I studied psychology before I take on business. So tell me. . . Are you feeling anything for my friend, Cha Hae-in?"

"Why do you people always think like that?" Jin-woo groaned and pried Jong-in's hand off his shoulder. He walked to his car and grabbed the door handle.

"She won't stay long in Korea, you know?"

His hand froze.

"Her stepdad only gave her the chance to fly just for her vacation. Sooner or later, she would be called to return to America." Jong-in continued. "Hae-in missed her friends a lot, which is why she plans to spend time with them as much as she can. So I suggest you should stop acting strange."

"Why are you talking like I have feelings for her?" Jin-woo grumbled.

"You don't?" Jong-in scoffed. "My, when Hae-in was telling me about you, I thought you are a rational person. But it seems my judgement has wronged me for the first time."

Jin-woo rolled his eyes and climbed into the driver's seat.

She won't stay long in Korea, you know?

His grip on the steering wheel and in frustration, Jin-woo pressed his forehead against it. He didn't want her to leave. . . He wanted her to stay. Living eight years without learning a single word from her had been a struggle, to the point he felt like it was killing him. He feared that if he spent time with her, the less time she would have left before leaving the country again.

Almost like Hae-in would be the one to break his heart.

"Don't leave me again." He whispered to himself.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It had been a few weeks since she was back in Seoul. Antares or her mom would call her once in a while, and Hae-in happily answered their calls, telling them how great she had been doing with her friends. Esil and Jong-in also found themselves amongst her old friends, they would come along with her whenever everyone was up for lunch or dinner at a restaurant.

But there was always something missing. . . Jin-woo.

Sure, he would appear every now and then, but he wouldn't take long and leave because he had important things to do. Hae-in, being Hae-in, understood. But sometimes. . . She had enough.

Even their messages had fallen short.

She felt something had changed since the night Jin-woo had brought her back to the hotel. He was different. Strange even. Hae-in felt like he was avoiding her, Ju-hee tried to reassure her that he just liked to put his work first, but part of it didn't sit well with her.

It was night and everyone was gathered in the table. Two sets of stove were settled and a bunch of stripped meat sizzled on the pans. They laughed and chatter to one another in chorus; meanwhile, Hae-in was listening to Jin-ho's plan about setting his own company instead of following his father's footsteps.

"I was thinking if I should name it 'Beautiful World'." Jin-ho said. "What do you think?"

"Uh. . . How sure are you with that name, Jin-ho?" Hae-in asked and grabbed a pork with her chopsticks to put into her mouth. "Any other ideas?"

Jin-ho groaned and took a single chug on his drink. "You could've said it sounds cliche. I need to think of a better name so my father will—"

"Guys! It's Jin-woo!" Byung-gyu exclaimed. "He made it!"

Everyone turned their attention to the newly arrival and Tae-gyu patted on the empty spot, which was right next to Hae-in. However, Hae-in got up.

"I need to go." She said.

"I'll come with you." Esil piped up.

Hae-in held her hand up. "No, just stay here, Esil. I can go home by myself."

Esil nodded. "Okay."

"Hae-in?" Jin-woo looked at her.

"I'm tired, Jin-woo," Hae-in murmured and brushed past him.

"Wait!"

She walked faster to the exit.

She had enough. She had created many new memories with her friends, but not with Jin-woo. Hae-in hadn't gotten to hang out with him as she anticipated for a long time. Work here, busy that. He was really showing that he wanted nothing to do with her.

Hae-in truly lost her best friend.

Tears pierced into her eyes, but she clutched on her bag to stop them from flowing. She glanced forward and checked if there was any transportation vehicle heading to her way.

Then, she felt someone grab her hand.

Hae-in was about to yank it away, but the person kept it firm.

"Hae-in." It was Jin-woo.

She refused to meet his gaze. "What do you want? Shouldn't you be with them?"

"I know." He replied. "But. . . Can you go out with me tomorrow? I'll text you the location."

Hearing those words, Hae-in finally looked up to him.

"I will explain everything."

Everything? Did he mean the reason why he was acting all strange? But, what if he would leave her out of the blue?

No! She silenced her thoughts. Jin-woo was a man of his word, so if he said something like that, he meant it.

" . . . Okay." Hae-in accepted his offer.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

The following day came like a breeze. Esil squealed when Hae-in told her about where she was going and Jong-in just nodded his head, saying that Jin-woo better not mess everything up or else he'd burn his brain. Hae-in somehow couldn't quite understand what her friend meant, yet listened regardless.

She wasn't certain what she should feel once she went out to meet Jin-woo.

For the first time since she came back, not once she had hung out where it was just her and him. Like in the old days. But Jin-woo said he would explain everything to her. . . Could he be using his work as an excuse all this time?

Whatever the reason was, Hae-in deserved to hear what he was about to say. She endured her resentment toward him enough. Idiot, idiot, idiot! She'd scream through her mind every time he slipped into her thoughts.

"I hope you'll have a great time, Hae-in!" Esil smiled brightly from the doorframe. "I'm rooting for the both of you!"

Hae-in playfully rolled her eyes and wrapped her scarf around her neck. "What are you going to do tonight, Esil?"

"I'll just watch TV. Jong-in had left a while ago to meet up with Yoon-ho in the restaurant for a business offer."

He never rests from every opportunity he sees. Hae-in sighed and faced her friend fully. "How do I look?"

She had a blue coat over a black long-sleeved shirt, a brown skirt over her tights, a pair of sneakers, and a white scarf around her neck to protect herself from the cold atmosphere brought by the night. She was only meeting up with Jin-woo, her best friend, after all.

"You look so pretty." Esil smiled genuinely. "Like you are going on a date with Jin-woo."

Her heartbeat increased. Though, Hae-in elected to shake her head off it and spoke. "I'll be heading off now!"

She left the building and rushed across the street to reach for the cab that was about to drive past her if she hadn't summoned it quickly.

Jin-woo told her to meet him at the park. She hoped she wouldn't be late since he hadn't mentioned a specific time, he just said in the message to go to the location by night.

People littered the whole place, merging into small groups or in pairs. Several vendors stood at the corners to attract customers with the deliciously served food and other trinkets sold in cheap prices. Fairy lights stretched across the whole area, glimmering brightly beneath the dark vast sky.

Hae-in scanned through the crowd in search of that tall, dark-haired man who owed her an explanation for his foolishness. After a couple of moments of walking around like a lost puppy, she brought out her phone and began to text him.

[ Hae-in (Pickaxe): where are you? ]

Damn, she didn't realize her contact name was still the same.

"Hey!"

"AH!" Hae-in let out a yelp, causing her steps to lose balance. Luckily, his arm quickly snaked around her waist and she found herself pressed against him.

"Caught you." Jin-woo said.

Noticing the proximity between their faces, Hae-in's cheeks heated up then pushed herself away from him.

She cleared her throat. "I believe you owe me something, Sung."

"I know." Jin-woo let out a smile. "Walk with me?"

Hae-in noticed his outstretched hand and took it. He kept his grip firm, as if he wouldn't allow her to let go, yet it was warm like their embrace in the terrace. But she knew just because they finally had some time together didn't mean his actions from the past few weeks were covered up.

Looking at his face, it was as if Jin-woo was at peace.

But even as much as she liked to appreciate their moment, the resentment was still burning in her heart. Jin-woo better had a proper explanation, otherwise she just wasted her time coming here for him and got her hopes up.

"I know you're probably mad at me." Jin-woo began.

"You think so?" Hae-in failed to resist the urge to scoff.

Jin-woo ignored her tone and continued. "I've been wanting to hang out with you since the beginning, Hae-in. My senior even told me that I am free to leave as early as I'd like after getting tasks done, but then, I chose to be stubborn and let you feel like this."

"Whose fault was it? Have you ever thought of my emotions if you keep leaving out of the blue?" Hae-in said. "Did my departure really affected you so much, Jin-woo? Then, I'm sorry."

Jin-woo felt her hand slipping away from his grasp, but he kept their physical contact intact. "No. . . You did nothing wrong. I am. Which is why I am going to fix everything that needs to be fixed between us."

"Good luck with that. I'd like to see how you are going to make up for the times I dealt with the fear of us becoming strangers because of your excuses!" Hae-in gritted her teeth. All those pent up anger were finally about to be released. "I don't want to lose my best friend, a person who means so much in my life. Tell me, does distance truly mean nothing to us?"

Jin-woo saw a stray tear coming down from the side of her left eye, so he reached out, but Hae-in moved her head away and so did her hand. He swallowed to keep himself together. "Look, I said that I will explain everything, right? I'll do it now and—"

"And then what? Will we still be the same after?" Hae-in's bottom lip quivered.

Jin-woo's heart shattered.

She strode away from him and blended into the crowd.

You failed, idiot! A voice yelled at him from his mind. Shaking his head to fight against it, Jin-woo took off and searched around the place for her. Perhaps if he could've just listened to Jin-chul and his friends, he wouldn't be like this. He and Hae-in wouldn't have been in this situation if he acted like a rational person.

But it was not a right time to blame himself, he must not ruin everything further. Hae-in still had so much to hear from him.

He was sorry. He didn't mean to break her heart.

She was most wonderful person he had ever met. And above all, he had spent a lifetime waiting for her.

Finally. . . He found her at the bridge. The lights still illuminated her figure and the wind brushed her hair in gentle dances, the waves sang softly below her, and Jin-woo approached her carefully. He wouldn't want her to run away from him again. Because this time, not a single word would be left unspoken.

He wrapped his arms around her from behind. Hae-in flinched, so he spoke before she could fight. "I was scared."

She calmed down.

"And I still am. I know you're going to go back sooner or later and I have no right to make you stay." He said. "In fact, I never wanted you to leave at all. But I knew you had to. And since you're here. . . I let myself drown in the fear of seeing you leave again, because believe me, you don't know how hard it will be for me."

"Why are you telling me all of this just now? You—" Hae-in's voice cracked. She hung her head low, her nails digging into the sleeves of his coat. "You're the reason why I wanted to come back so badly, Jin-woo."

"I'm sorry." Jin-woo pressed his forehead on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry. For being a coward."

She laughed humorlessly. "I am glad how aware you are this time."

"I am willing make up for it, Hae-in. Just tell me what to do. You're still my best friend and you always will be, but. . . " Jin-woo trailed off. He gently spun her around to face her completely and kept his arms around her waist whilst her hands found his chest. He briefly pressed his eyes shut, only to open them with determination blazing in his pupils, a juxtaposition to Hae-in's confused ones. "I'd like us to be more than that. I want to love you with no boundaries between us, Hae-in."

If he wasn't so dense, he would've realized that the moment his feelings for her changed the second he saw her again.

He loved her when she was his friend. So he was going to love her like his whole world if she allowed him to.

"Jin-woo. . . " Hae-in managed to let out. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been so sure in my entire life." His lips stretched into a smile.

Her cheeks blushed as she smiled broadly that she dipped her head, her fingers curling against his chest, and even though he couldn't not get a glimpse of her expression, her happiness was palpable that synced with the way his heart was beating against his chest.

Hae-in looked up to his eyes, wearing that smile he wished to treasure so much, and her arms stretched across his chest, locking around his neck to bring his face down while she stepped on her toes. His grip on her waist tightened. As their faces inched closer, they stared into each other, grinning like a pair of idiots.

He had done it. He mended the cracks.

Jin-woo held the back of her head and his gaze lowered to her lips, awaiting and inviting, then crashed them with his own in a quick plunge of his head. Their lips collided furiously, mixed with happiness and sweetness that was planted since the day they had met each other. He swore to himself that he would protect her, though he might not completely did due to various events, but he was certain he wouldn't miss a single thing this time.

She was his. And he was hers.

Jin-woo was no longer afraid. Hae-in took all those fears away as they stood together in the bridge, wrapped in each other's arms while their lips continued to clash, utterly forgetting about the world.

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"Ah, Hae-in! It's a miracle that you called first this time." Antares said. "Did something happen, dearest?"

"Nothing. But, can I ask you a favor, father?" Hae-in asked and flashed a brief look over her shoulder. "Don't worry, I will tell mom and Aunt Esha later."

"What is it?"

"I'd like to cancel my vacation here." Her lips curved into a smile. "Because I will be living here from now on, so I was hoping that you'd accept my decision."

Her stepfather turned silent. But after some moments, he spoke. "Well. . . If that is what you want— what about your work here? You are a track and field instructor."

"I'll move my job as well."

Antares chuckled. "It seems there is nothing that I can do, huh? Very well. I hope you will live a great life there, Hae-in."

"I already am." Hae-in smiled.

Their call ended. And when she kept her phone into her bag, she heard a voice.

"Ready to go?" Jin-woo said after he had just left the restroom.

"Yep!" Hae-in got up from the chair and took his hand before they make their exit out of the restaurant.

Snow had piled up on every corner of the streets, with people heading out to clear the path in their stores, and the piercing cold wind flying throughout the city. Jin-woo and Hae-in walked hand-in-hand, they looked around their surroundings and Hae-in couldn't help but maintain her smile, she dearly missed this season. Winter had always felt different when she was out of the country.

But here, winter came like an angel.

"Seems like you're in deep thought even when you are smiling." Jin-woo remarked.

"Well, something great happened just now!" Hae-in said.

Jin-woo raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"

Hae-in moved in front of him and threw her arms around his neck. Even in his state, Jin-woo enveloped his arms around her waist just like he always did.

"You don't have to worry about me leaving, and I don't have to worry about being called back either." She smiled brightly. "I told my stepdad that I wanted to live here and he accepted it!"

Jin-woo's face instantly cracked a smile as if the sun had shone above him for the first time. He pulled her close into an embrace. Hae-in laughed at the way he had her in his arms — firm like he wouldn't let her get away even though she made it clear that she would be stuck with him for the rest of their lives. And her friends too, there was no need for them to say goodbye when they would see her often now.

"You're not gonna let go even though we're in public, are you?" Hae-in jested.

Jin-woo pressed his lips on her forehead, thus sending a wave of warmth across her body. "Nope. I don't care either. You're here and that is all I care about."

Hae-in laughed. Oh, how she loved this man. . .

They met when they were six. Hae-in was alone, Jin-woo came and became her best friend. They had each other's backs throughout thick and thin. They were inseparable and cared for each other unconditionally. An unexpected twist of fate drove a wedge between their paths, burning those dreams they still wished to achieve together, and lived in promises they had left behind. Hae-in came back, and Jin-woo saw a different fate. . .

He fell for his best friend. And so did she.

[mesquitehoney]

i never planned on getting married nor do i want to now but i wish my grandma could have spoken to my boyfriend again. they met twice and it was brief and she asked me a lot about him when id see her but i never got to take him to california with us nor did she interrogate him. she saw me graduate and finish my first year of university and was with me from my birth at least every week until i moved out. she was like another parent or i guess she and my grandpa were like a unit of parent. she took me to school and we were late every time because we ate a slow egg breakfast together in the mornings and we’d watch movies super late into the night. she only ate butter and no salt on her popcorn and after we ate it in the bed we’d strip the bed and shake it off so all the kernels and bits of popcorn wouldn’t poke us when we slept. she taught me how to fold laundry (making the corners kiss). even as i write this i cant fully think of her because it is too much. i’ve had to just push everything down because when i really think about her and really feel in my body how i felt about her it paralyzes me. my mom and her parents raised me but i remember the times with my grandma so much more vividly because it was always a treat to see her even though it was often. she made the best scrambled eggs cooked in butter and folded into a square. i remember washing lettuce in her white basket spinner and hand tearing every piece for salads. we had weekend dinners at her house where she made cantonese food her dad would make and my grandpa made what he ate in arkansas. we had pork beans, baked potatoes (i always had sour cream and a lot of salt), steak (i gave it to my cousins), and my grandma would make dry ramen noodle salad, shumai, and char siu bao. that was her favorite food ever. i only ate pork with her and we would split giant char siu bao. she and my grandpa would drive an hour away to the best dim sum to get it and it was so sweet and fluffy. we watched movies i definitely shouldn’t have been watching at 7 but now they��re my favorite and most nostalgic ones. night of the hunter, american graffiti, flower drum song, phantom of the opera, time bandits, the neverending story. movies like snow white and the land before time as well. i distinctly remember watching shrek for the first time in her back bedroom on the big tube tv and being shocked when donkey said “damn” and i whipped my head over to look at her bc i felt guilty for his cussing but she was asleep. she never slept through the night and went to bed in the ams. when i was sick she used an acupressure stick on my foot and followed a youtube video for clearing sinuses using pressure points in the feet. she cooked incessantly until her second heart attack. she traveled with my mom and i when i was a baby. we went to goodwill to find knick knacks and plushes. she always had me sleepover and would drive me home in the middle of the night if i got homesick or scared. i had jaundice as a baby and instead of putting me under the lamps she took me home and held me outside in the sun every single day when my mom was too tired. she breastfed her nephews and nieces when her sisters couldn’t. she probably nursed for years after my youngest uncle was born. she had a mean streak like me. as she got older and her hand scrunched up from parkinson’s i saw it in her that she was giving up a bit. she stopped cooking and walking. i dyed her hair and put curlers in it under her careful instruction. i cut it about a year ago into her famous angled bob. she had long long fingernails and would scratch my arm and back with them and it felt so nice, and then she’d ask me to scratch her arm though mine were short. we drank a thousand cups of tea together. when i think of her i feel a painful ache in my forehead and sinuses and back of my throat and my chest. i wanted to evaporate into nothing after her funeral. i know she is at peace now that she can’t feel pain. she’s asleep and unconscious and not suffering because she is dead. i have more to say but i cant. i love my grandma. i will miss her forever

[adammilligan]

I think you brought this up in a previous post briefly, but how much of the ghoul do you think is Adam?

!!!! okay so long story short: i think the ghoul replicated a few of his mannerisms, but ABSOLUTELY not his personality.

i'll start with his personality. adam is, as proven by 5x18, VERY defensive over the idea that anyone can get to claim the title of "family" just because they're related to him. exhibit a:

GHOUL!ADAM: I've got brothers? [...] Well, you're my brothers. You're telling me the truth, right? [Yeah.] Then I believe you.

vs.

ADAM: So we may be blood, but we are not family. My mom is my family. And if I do my job, I get to see her again. So no offense, but she's the one I give a rat's ass about, not you.

another thing about his personality that the ghoul did not act out on is adam's complete and utter willingness to do the opposite of what people say:

SAM: I'm gonna teach you a few things.

GHOUL!ADAM: Uh, Dean said—

SAM: I know what Dean said. And I know what it's like to want revenge.

vs.

SAM: Going somewhere?

ADAM [after trying to walk out the door while no one was looking]: Out for a...beer.

^^^and like sam's line above in 4x19, here's another thing: as proven by 15x08, adam is not the revenge type.

GHOUL!ADAM: This thing killed my mom. If you're hunting it, I want in. [...] I'll do it. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it. I want to do it.

vs.

ADAM [after being abandoned in hell for centuries]: [There's nothing we can say to fix that.] How about, uh...I'm sorry?

more than that, the ghoul greatly exaggerated adam's fear levels when it comes to stressful situations:

GHOUL!ADAM: No, don't tell me to take it easy, okay? My house is a crime scene, my mom's probably dead, and you two—well, you tell me to call the cops, but you got to bail before they show? So, who are you really?

vs.

ADAM: So you lied...about everything. Oh, you son of a bitch. [stands up, ready to fight] Yeah, I'm not gonna let you do this.

ANOTHER topic that the ghoul falsified is the topic of john winchester:

GHOUL!ADAM: When I was twelve. My mom had one of his old numbers, and—and after I begged her—God, 24/7—she finally called him. God, when John heard he had a son, he raced to town. I mean, he dropped everything. He drove all night. He would swing by once a year or so. He taught me poker and pool and even bought me my first beer when I was fifteen. And, uh...he showed me how to drive. Dad, he had this beautiful 'sixty-seven Impala—

vs.

ADAM: No, John Winchester was some guy that took me to a baseball game once a year. I don't have a dad. [...] Do you know how full of crap you are?Really. You see, it was me and it was my mom. That's it. She worked the graveyard shift at the hospital. I cooked my own dinners. I put myself to bed. So you can say whatever you want about our dad, but the truth is, I would have taken anything.

while the ghoul portrays a sense of hero-worship (in its efforts to lure sam and dean into a false sense of security) the truth is that adam didn't like john. at all. he was extremely bitter at him for never being around to help pay the bills and ease all the stress his mom had to go through and he was bitter because he had to grow up too fast because his mom couldn't be around because she was trying to pay the bills.

now, onto mannerisms:

while there are some things that the ghoul exaggerated to make adam seem more like a naive little kid (the open usage of [dumb-looking] facial expressions around people he didn't know, the unconfident [slow tbh] gaze/walk compared to adam's confident posture, the way his mouth always fucking hung open for some reason, etc.) there were a couple things that i think actually fit adam's character:

one: the scene where ghoul!adam puts the napkin on his lap

adam (when he wasn't being surrounded by people he didn't like/didn't know) was typically very polite. think how he acted in 5x18 in the room with zachariah: hands folded, not taking up too much space, etc. out of everything the ghoul did, this is the action that didn't seem so out-of-character for a good kid who knows how to act polite in front of strangers when he wants.

another thing: the sort of bouncing movement that the ghoul does to represent nervousness

while adam didn't do this in either 5x18 or 15x08, it's proven in 15x08 that adam is really and truly expressive around people he trusts (more facial expressions, CONSTANT usage of talking with his hands, moving around a lot [head, limbs, etc]) so if the ghoul was trying to make the point that "adam" trusted sam and dean, something like this would be the way to do it.

but while i'm on this train, let me point out the biggest difference in mannerisms that the ghoul very specifically didn't do to get sam and dean to trust it: adam's reservedness.

i've said it a few times, but adam is not one to let anything show in front of people he doesn't trust. he's quiet(er), he's reserved, and he mostly keeps his emotions (and outbursts) on a metaphorical backburner until something really pokes him where he doesn't like it (i.e. being called family by two completely random strangers). even when he talked about john to sam, his face was cold and composed and didn't let anything show. we see that again in 15x08, where he lets himself express bitterness at the winchesters (but note again how quietly he did it and how composed he was when he did it) in front of michael, his friend of many years who he trusted.

there are a total of three times adam breaks composure: one, to chew out sam and dean for having the nerve to call him family in 5x18; two, when he was yelling for help when michael was descending in 5x18; and three, when he was trying not to cry after dean apologized in 15x08. even then, the only one where he even marginally raises his voice (aside from yelling for help: that doesn't count for obvious reasons) is when he's frustrated at sam and dean. and this is something that the ghoul doesn't follow through with: instead, it makes adam erratic, emotional, prone to outbursts; it made adam act like a stereotypical teenager instead of someone who grew up too fast and learned to mask his emotions like adam does.

overall, while the ghoul did get close to a couple of things about adam, it was ultimately about the furthest copy from adam that anyone could be. in the end, the goal was to bait sam and dean with the act so it and its sister could eat them⁠—and the plan worked. so yeah!

[raysofcrosby]

Um… 👀 how’d lunch with subway boy go? (If you don’t mind sharing)

lunch with subway boy went great!

we talked [well, he really talked most of the beginning of it after the awkward 'where do we start' moment] and cleared the air! he basically explained that they were friends in hs, started dating the end of 2019 [which was their senior year of college + he went local while she went in va] then covid hit and she came back. but at the beginning of last year, she got a really good job in va and they both agreed to do long distance and what not so she moved.

long story short, he said by july it got really hard for their relationship bc they could never find time for each other and it started to feel like they were just friends instead of dating. they talked about it, both agreed but didn't want to break up bc she thought they could get through it but that's around the time he wasn't invested romantically anymore bc he lost feelings but didn't want to break up with her over the phone either. she was supposed to come down for a week for thanksgiving [when he was going to breakup with her] but she stayed in va, so he didn't.

she ended up coming down the week before christmas and he tried to get a time where they could talk but she was doing stuff with her parents so they never could until the 23rd. he basically just told her how it was starting to feel like they were just friends than dating and he felt that way for awhile and didn't think they should date. and he only did it so close to christmas bc she was going to be in south florida with her grandparents and wouldn't be fair for either of them to stay in a relationship that felt more like a friendship. she agreed and said she'd been feeling the same but was hoping they'd give it a shot and he basically told her that by that point he'd been feeling that way for months and it wouldn't change.

he told me that our whole thing isn't a rebound for him bc he's been emotionally over their relationship for months and then he apologized if it was too fast to meet his mom and sister but doesn't regret it bc he liked seeing them meet me and even talked to his older sister about me and stuff.

basically, we both agreed that maybe things moved a little too fast but that we still liked each other enough to date– but he doesn't want to jump right into a relationship just yet. and i told him that's fine and i'm cool with taking it slow and just going on dates and seeing how it all pans out before deciding on a title, but if he wants to see other people at the same time then we can end whatever it is [bc that's not my style lol] and he basically said "well i definitely don't want to see other people so i'm down with going as slow as you want bc i really like you and it's a big plus that my mom and sister do too." [i haven't met his oldest sister yet]

so we're still talking and plan on going on another date soon. yesterday he asked if i wanted to come over and cook dinner [their mom is still out of town] so i picked them up to go grocery shopping, we made alfredo [where he was offended i used jar and taught me how to make alfredo sauce like his mom does] and then his sister got us caught up on the new bachelor season but i fell asleep and he didn't feel comfortable letting me drive home that late and tired so i stayed over and got cuddles and my hair played with 🥺 i also had to rewatch the bachelor this morning bc i missed most of the episode i fell asleep during and was texting him about it lolol

[1a-imagines]

A knights promise

[Characters: Izuku Midoriya]

[Overview: He swore to become your loyal knight so he would never have to leave your side again.]

[A/n: I'm not saying Knight izuku has my entire fucking heart but- that's exactly what i'm saying. I love him.]

"Come now honey, sulking in bed wont change a thing." Your father patted your back as you shoved your small head into one of the many silk pillows on your bed. It was a bed that was comically large for a child your size, but that’s the perks of being royalty, you could have just about anything you wished for.

There weren't many things royalty could complain about, there was no doubt you had almost everything a person could ever want! But being a ten year old with no friends, only butlers and maids surrounding you day and night, would make anyone a bit upset. Especially when the servants had jobs to do and no time to play around.

"There's no one else around here that’s my age! It gets really lonely." Came your muffled reply but all your father could do was chuckle at your huffy behaviour.

“What about your brothers?”

The mention of her older brothers made her groan. “They’re boring now too! They never have time for me anymore!”

As her brothers grew older the more duties they had to fulfill, whether it was training to fight or learning the in’s and out’s of being proper royalty they were always busy with something. Which meant they had little free time to spend with their sister. You used to find them annoying, as do most siblings, but now you missed the time you all used to spend together.

“I can’t believe I finally made a friend my age and he lives outside of the kingdom.” You sighed solemnly.

A few years back you and your family would often go into town to talk with the people and help around. The kingdom wasn’t the richest in the lands, nor was it the biggest but life here was happy and your father liked to show you and your brothers how the town worked. Everyone helped each other to live comfortable lives and it was your duty to check up on them and fix any problems in order to maintain peace.

You remembered your father was preoccupied with talking to a bakery owner when you noticed a mop of green hair poking out from the side of a building. Being the curious child you were, you stared at it to see what it was? A person? A fluffy animal? Your imagination ran wild with thoughts until a head poked out to look at you. As soon as the boy saw you staring back he turned red and jumped back into his hiding place.

You smiled at the memory. You were only 6 years old at the time and yet you two were able to form a friendship like no other. You remembered walking over to him and calling him out for spying but it turns out he was just curious about you, having never seen someone dressed so fancy in town before. You two spent the whole day talking and playing pretend around the kingdom. It was much more fun than standing around as your father talked to the townspeople.

The two of you were inseparable from that day forward.

But the sad news was that he lived outside of the kingdom with his mom and only came to town to buy food or sell produce once a week. So you two were only able to see each other when he was visiting and for years it stayed that way. You would wait on the outskirts of the kingdom every Tuesday at precisely midday for them to show up and the two of you would spend the day talking and playing around as his mom took care of chores.

As you grew closer your parents allowed you to stay over at each other's homes every so often too! You would never forget the way his jaw dropped once he set foot inside the castle. The look of awe on his face as you showed him around was nothing short of hilarious! He made such a big deal over every little thing that you were so used to. Like being served the best food in the lands! Or having so much indoor space to run around! Or the amount of servants that were willing to serve him simply because he was your friend!

The first time you went over to his small little cottage you were awestruck too! It was so tiny! You couldn't comprehend how they lived together in such a small space! Your bedroom was bigger than their house!

They even did all the work on their small plot of land themselves! They grew vegetables and took care of animals, cooked their own foods and cleaned their house without any help from servants! It was like a completely different world to yours but you were thankful for the experience! His home life was so cozy,  even if they did not share the same riches as you. You liked to think the whole experience had made you more down to earth.

You realised how thankful you should be for all you had and you swore to yourself that anytime you came over you would help them with their work as much as you could!

You even forced the two royal guards that accompanied you at all times to help them as well.

You two were polar opposites in terms of lifestyle but it made things more interesting. You had taught each other so much in just a few short years! Never did you think you would work on a farm!! It was dirty and sometimes a bit gross but it only made you appreciate all the commoners in your kingdom. They all worked very hard to make a living.

It was safe to say that your friendship had grown pretty strong in those 4 years, even if you couldn’t spend every day together. He had to help his mom with work around their farm and you weren’t allowed outside of the kingdom since there were a lot of dangerous people who would jump at the chance to snag a princess and sell her back for heaps of jewels.

But that didn’t stop you from having guards deliver letters and gifts to him and his mom. You cared for them as if they were your own family now, they had been nothing but kind to you and you wouldn't trade your friendship with him for the world.

He just had a way of making you so happy! His smile alone was enough to cheer you up and you were sure that this was a once in a lifetime sort of friendship.

“Yes, I know. I hear this complaint everytime you miss him- and you miss him a lot.” You could hear the amusement in your father's voice. His tone made you wonder if he knew something that you didn’t? Why wasn't he taking you seriously? Why was he brushing you off and laughing at your misery?

You pulled your head from your pillow and sent him a glare to tell him you weren’t amused. You were in no means a bratty child but you could get pretty grumpy when you hadn’t seen Izuku for awhile.

“Oh don’t give me that look, you’re lucky he misses you too.” Your father gave you one last path to your back before standing up from his seat on the edge of your bed.

“What does that mean?”

Your father opened the large double doors to your room and as soon as you saw that messy green hair that you adored so much, peek through you dashed forward without  second thought. You almost knocked your father over in the process.

You wrapped your arms around him tightly with a smile that could rival the brightness of the sun. “IZU!”

“Y-Y/n-!” You were aware that you were crushing him with your hug but you couldn’t help yourself. You had missed him so much! You let him go and grabbed his hands in yours. “What are you doing here!?”

“I came to see you of course! My mom said I’m allowed to stay here for a few days since I’ve been working extra hard on the farm!!” His smile rivaled your own.

He had been running around all week, trying to be the best golden child he could be and do all the jobs his mom wanted done just so he could spend some time with you.  He was tired and it had been a lot of hard work but seeing your radiant smile made it all worth it to him.

You turned to your dad knowing he must have had something to do with this too. Perhaps he had sent his mom a letter to ask permission for him to stay with them for awhile?

Your father reached down to pat the top of your small head. “Don’t say I never do anything for you. Try not to cause too much trouble you two, and be in bed by 9pm, I’ll make sure to have the guards check on you so no rule breaking!” He warned with a gentle smile and you both nodded enthusiastically. No amount of rules could bring down your spirits! You were going to make every second together a special one.

As soon as the doors shut you began jumping up and down unable to contain the excitement you felt. “I’m so happy!! I can’t wait!! We’re going to have so much fun! We can play games and tell stories and oh! I can even show you some of the magic I've been learning in my magic lessons!!”

Seeing him take the bag he had on his back off and put in on the ground made you feel giddy. It was probably filled with clothes and other necessities. It just made this whole thing feel more real! He wasn’t going to be leaving anytime soon and you could spend the next few days making memories and having as much fun as you possibly could!

And so you did just that.

The next few days were spent, baking with the chefs in the kitchen (and ultimately resulting in a food fight and then being scolded for the mess), showing him the new spells you had learned, reading stories together, playing games, having the guards teach you both to spar and pulling pranks on your brothers. Though Izuku was a lot less enthusiastic about the last one, he felt awful for pranking royalty! Even if it wasn’t his idea. Luckily your brothers took it well, though they swore revenge on you two and that scared him more than anything.

You felt like you hadn’t smiled or laughed this much in so long, it was perfect. You wished it could always be this way. That he never had to leave again. The castle just wasn’t the same without him around.

It was the night before he had to leave you again. The moon shone brightly, it was high up in the sky reminding you of how you were both breaking curfew. But neither of you wanted to sleep. The sooner you slept the sooner he would have to leave. You didn't want to sleep and waste those precious seconds with each other.

You were both sitting on your large window, staring out at the beautiful clear night sky as you tried to name all the constellations. Though, knowing this was the last night you two would be together before he disappeared for another week or two, had made you too upset to concentrate on what he was actually saying.

You pulled your legs to your chest with a sigh and that got him to stop talking and turn away from the stars to focus his attention on you. “What's wrong?” his small voice asked, his big green eyes filled with worry. You glanced up at him with a frown, “You know what’s wrong… You’re going back home tomorrow and I won’t be able to see you for weeks! I always have so much fun when you’re around… I feel as if I'm at my happiest with you! But-” you curled up tighter and turned your head away, “But you always have to leave and then I’m left alone again!"

Izuku listened to every word with his mouth partly agape. He understood how you felt. He was always happiest when he was with you too. He missed you every second you were apart, he had never had a friend before you and you were his most precious person. Even if he was too shy to say so out loud. It always felt so surreal that he was best friends with the Princess herself but he wouldn’t trade any of this for the world.

He crawled forward until your legs brushed together. He leaned over to place his small hand on top of yours. It was such a gentle and innocent action that was only intended to soothe a solem friend.

“But no matter how long I’m away for I will always come back to you, and every second we are away I promise to think of you. Maybe if I think hard enough you’ll be able to feel how much I miss you and you won't feel as alone!”

You blinked at his words. “How will I hear if you think about it? If you want it to reach me you will have to yell to the gods and then they will give me the message and every night I’ll yell back so you know I miss you too! But make sure to yell, really, super duper loud. Ok?”

“Ok! I promise I’ll yell as loud as I can!” He nodded so determinedly that you had no doubt that he would keep to his promise. Satisfied with his reply the pair of you fell into a silence as you sat and watched the stars twinkling from the confines of your dark room. It was peaceful, and the way the moon illuminated the two of you and your surroundings seemed magical.

There was nothing in the world that you would trade this moment for.

“You know… the past few weeks we were apart, i’ve been thinking a lot.” You heard Izuku start. You took notice of the way he nervously fiddled with his hands as well as how he seemed to smile like he was content with whatever he was thinking. “I can’t see you more because I have to work and help my mom, and you can’t leave the kingdom because it’s too dangerous..” He continued before suddenly looking up at you and it was only then that you realised how red his cheeks were.

“I want to become your knight!!” He exclaimed.

“Huh!?” You felt your cheeks heat up at the sudden declaration.

“Well.. If I work hard to become your  knight then not only can we be together everyday but I’ll be able to protect you from all the dangers out there too! And that’s all I want in my life! ” He sent you a closed eye grin.

“When I grow up I promise to become the best knight in the land for you. I will protect you with my life and stay by your side forever! Then we never have to be apart again!”

----

Ah what a silly little promise that was made between ten year olds. It had been 13 years since that night and-

You honestly had not expected him to stay true to his words!

“Princess.” Your ever faithful knight bowed down on one knee to you and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his formal behaviour. Especially when no one else was around to see it. There was no need to put on a front when you were alone. “You’re guests are awaiting your arrival.”

“What have I told you about formalities? You may be my personal knight but you’re also much more than that.” You crossed your arms and Izuku looked up at you with a playful glint in his eyes. “I don’t say it for formalities, I say It out of love. A pet name if you will? You are my princess after all.” He stood up, enjoying the way your face turned red.

“You’ve gotten a bit bold lately, aren’t you still worried about someone finding out? A princess and her appointed knight dating is a bit taboo after all.” You watched as he stepped forward to take your hand into his. He always held you as if you were the most delicate thing on the planet and it never failed to make your heart swell. Even with just a simple touch he was able to show how much he loved you, how he would never dare let any harm come to you.

"We've been keeping this secret for two years now- almost three. I'm starting to find myself not caring who finds out anymore. I want them all to know how much I love you." His hand came up to gently brush through some of your stray hair. The action made you close your eyes. It was blissful to be able to share these moments with him.

"I wish for that too, but if word were to spread around we could both be in danger. There are dangerous people out there that would use this love against us." It was saddening to know that you two could never be open with your relationship. It seemed that you always had obstacles in your way, and yet your love for each still bloomed and stood strong. You knew this was that true love all of those stories you'd read as a child would talk about. There was no doubt in your mind. Your relationship may have only been going on for three years but your love for each other had been around for much much longer.

"Yes.. I know." It was selfish of him to think of showing his love for you to the world given the dangers but he could at least dream about it, right? "At least I'm able to spend all my time with you and no one dares question it since I am your loyal knight. Even if you hadn't returned my feelings I would have been content just to stay by your side." He leaned down to press a kiss to the back of your hand before holding out his arm for you to take.

"Now shall we? Your guests are still waiting for you."

You let out a groan and hesitantly took his arm. "Fine, let's get this over with." You muttered bitterly, knowing what was waiting for you in the grand hall. "But you know my orders right?"

You saw Izuku nod from the corner of your eye. "I will stay by your side the entire night. You don't even have to give the signal, as soon as any bachelors try to steal you away I will be there to save you. Even if I can't be open with my love for you, I wouldn't dare let anyone steal you from me." He declared as you walked the empty halls. He still kept his voice low even if there was no one else around. All the servants had gathered in the grand hall to serve the royals at the party but there was no harm in being cautious.

"As if they could." You scoffed and tightened your hold on his arm. "No prince from any land could match up to you. You don't just own a piece of my heart, you have all of it. That cannot be changed."

A smile crept onto your lips as you watched his cheeks turn red. He may be one of the top knights in the kingdom- hell, he was known as one of the strongest in the lands! But he was still so easily embarrassed, so easy to tease, he still held a lot of the same traits he did when he was younger, staying true to the shy, sweet boy he was. Although now, he wasn't as weak and you could tell just from holding onto his muscular arm.

He wasn't as innocent either, but that was more your doing. You tried to hide your smirk as you recalled all the times he had to bite down on your pillows to muffle his needy moans from any nearby servants. He had even torn a few of them from how harshly he had to bite them. It may be awful to hide your love but it was very fun to see him try to contain himself. The risk of being caught added a certain spice to it all as well. It was a wonder how you had never been caught after three years of this same routine.

The party was exactly as you expected it to be. Extravagant and filed with royalty. You could already feel the gazes upon you as soon as you entered the room. Kings and princes alike staring you down and hoping to get the chance to talk to you and arrange a marriage so your kingdoms could be united. It made you sick, not that all of them were bad people, but you were already in love and the thought of having to marry another man was what made your stomach churn.

Izuku must have felt you tense up because his hand came up to place itself on top of yours. "Don't worry, I'm here. Just smile and brush them off, they won't dare bother the princess and risk ruining their chances at an arranged marriage." He said with a smile, though the smile was only for show. You could see in his eyes this bothered him just as much as it did you.

You had been doing this song and dance for years, you should be used to it by now but every time proved just as torturous as the last.

"You certainly take your time." You turned to the source of the voice to see your brother standing there. His wife of five years on his arm, they looked happy and you couldn't help but envy the fact he was allowed to be open with his love. Lucky him, falling in love with a princess. He never had to worry about what people would think or worry about losing her. Their love was considered a blessing from the start.

"Brother." You bowed before him and he laughed. "Took you this long to show your big brother some respect huh?"

"Well, you are the king now. It would be rude not to show the king some respect." You replied with a smile. You father had passed away a few years back which meant your eldest brother now took the role of king. He did suit the part well, he was just like your father in many ways and you knew he would make a great ruler.

Your brother chuckled again. "See? She only acts like this in front of other people. Perhaps we should throw parties more often so I can get a bit of respect from her every now and then." He told his wife who laughed with him.

'Oh god please don't throw anymore parties.' You silently pleaded as your brother let go of his wife and stepped forward. "Actually, I have some great news! I've found a prince for you! I know you’ve been picky about it and you’re not all too thrilled about the idea but he has a lot of the same interests as you, I made sure he was down to earth and not a stuck up snob, and he's quite handsome too- not more than me of course but i'm sure he'll fit your low standards just fine." You would have elbowed him for that jab at you had the dread in your stomach not settled in already.

Your brother was not aware of your love for Izuku, otherwise you were sure he wouldn't have bothered with all this. But you refrain from telling him out of fear you two might be separated. The relationship between you two was to stay mostly professional, everyone knew you two were best friends but to be more than that could cause problems. In fact, even being best friends had made a few people worry that he was not fit to be your knight. Feelings could get in the way and distract him from his main duty. The relationship was supposed to be strictly professional so he could focus on protecting you.

Somehow izuku had managed to convince your family he would let no such thing happen, and he stayed true to his word. He never let himself slack off from his job even if you tempted him to. He was always prepared to protect you with his life and he trained hard everyday to make sure he was fit enough to be your protector.

“Ah- brother- about that.. I'm not sure…" but before you could protest further a tall, handsome man with kind eyes was shoved in front of you and you were being introduced to each other. “Why don't we leave them alone for a bit. Come with us, Midoriya.” and thus you were left to helplessly watch as Izuku, your emotional support, was taken away from you. How could you get through this party if he wasn’t there to keep you from losing your mind?!

You ended up being stuck talking with this prince for hours, listening to him talk about his family, his kingdom ect. He seemed nice enough, you had no problem with him. Under normal circumstances you were sure you two would get along just fine!

At least he wasn’t being rude to you like a few other snobby princes had in the past. But no matter how nice he was you could never love him.

Not in the same way you loved your precious Izuku. This was never going to work out for you. You refused to subject yourself to mindlessly talking with a guy you had no interest in. You weren’t even really listening to him, your eyes were glued to Izuku the whole time. He was standing by one of the walls along with a few of the other knights. His eyes never left you either, the rest of the room faded away as you longingly stared at each other, but with your brother's eyes on you, you both felt obligated to stay away.

The more you stared at him the more your heart tugged you towards him. You were unable to take any more of this, you craved to be encased in his arms. To have him pet your hair as he whispered loving words into your ears as he always did when you were upset or stressed. Why did the world always have to keep you apart when all you wanted was to be by each others sides?

You shook your head in frustration. The staring from all the other royals, forcing yourself to smile and act interested, having to be torn away from the one you really wanted to spend your time with. It was everything you hated all at once and you suddenly felt your patience snap in two.

With a sigh you stopped the prince from speaking any further by raising your hand. “I apologise but I need to go now.”

Was all you left him with before walking off, not caring how rude you might have seemed. All you cared about was rushing over to your knight.

You weaved through the endless crowd of people to get to him. He perked up immediately seeing you walk over, pushing himself from the wall and meeting you halfway. “Let’s go Izuku.”

He followed you out of the grand hall and through the long hallways, his step in time with yours as to stay close to your side. The walk was silent, he got worried when he saw that look in your eyes. You looked exhausted, frustrated, upset and he suddenly felt he should have done more to help you back there.  

Though the knight held no authority against a prince and to intervene would be highly inappropriate. Not to mention it would raise suspicions, Especially when the king himself had told Izuku to give you some space so you could converse with your "potential future husband", he couldn’t go against the king! He felt so helpless! The whole time he was staring at you he was trying to think up a way to get you out of there and back by his side.

He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been a little bit jealous of the prince taking up your time but it hurt him even more to see that look of sadness in your eyes as you forced yourself to endure it all.

As soon as the doors to your bedroom closed you turned to him and the spark of determination in your eyes made him freeze up. Your expression had completely changed and it had startled him. You looked so upset a second ago that he had half expected you to cry or rush into his arms for a hug. What was running through your mind?

“Lets run away together.”

“WHAT!?”

“Shh!” you panicked at his outburst, hopefully no one was around to hear it. “I said let's run away together. I can’t deal with this life anymore.”

He didn’t know what to say. Run away? It was so sudden. You had always seemed pretty content with your life here. Especially when he started living in the castle. His room was right by yours and you were able to spend everyday together like you had always dreamed of as children. Not only that but you had a wonderful family and everything you could ever want, and now you suddenly wanted to run away?

“Princess… I don’t think you’ve thought this through- You’re tired from the party and you must feel upset from having to deal with all of that but- running away? That’s a really big deal.” He tried to reason, running away with you sounded like a dream but he couldn’t just agree when it would mean you would be leaving your family and whole kingdom behind. You would be giving up so much to run away with him and it would be selfish of him to jump at the chance.

“Is it? Think about it! I'm never going to become queen or anything- especially since I refuse to marry any of those princes. It’s not like I have duties to fulfill, I’m practically just around for show at this point.” You argued as you brushed past him.

“I know but..” he weakly tried to argue but his feelings were stopping him from doing so. As your knight he had to pull some sense into you, but… as your lover he would want nothing more to be free with you. To love you openly and not have to worry about arranged marriages or sneaking around 24/7.

You grabbed a hold of his hand and smiled up at him with nothing but love in your eyes. “It may seem like some rash decision but this has crossed my mind many times before.” You spoke softly.

Your room was dark with only the moon to illuminate it just like it had the same night he made that promise to you when you were ten years old. The day he swore to become your knight and protect you forever.

“You remember what you said to me all those years ago. Right over there.” You said as your eyes turned to the window, he followed your gaze. Of course he remembers how he could ever forget? “You said all you ever wanted in life was to protect me and stay by my side forever and that’s all I want to. To be by your side. Forever.” You gazed into his eyes and he couldn’t help but admire the way the moon light bounced off your face, it was a breathtaking sight. You looked like a goddess, your skin was shining, your eyes sparkling.

He couldn’t believe that you were really his. That your heart belonged to him.

“Imagine how freeing it could be! We could go on adventures! See the world! Maybe someday settle down somewhere and start a family, but most of all we would no longer have to worry about princes or hiding our love. That’s all I want! Not riches or parties or fancy clothes, none of that matters to me when you’re around. You’re all I need.” You finished.

He must have been trying to hold it back but you still noticed the way his eyes gleamed with tears. You reached up a hand to cup his cheek and his larger hand came up to cover your own. “Then lets run away together.” He finally spoke.

His smile grew with yours as he leaned down to press a kiss to your lips. It was sweet, soft, innocent, a kiss made to seal a promise.

“I will stay by your side, forever and always, My princess.”

[thatnerdnextdoor24]

Under the Mistletoe

I hope your holidays were wonderful! Here is a little gift, from me to you!

Read Part One.  This is Part Two!

Ao3

More Kit/Ty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ty was moderately fond of Christmas. When he had been younger, he could just barely remember Christmas with his parents. He remembered the last Christmas they had had with their mom, how thin and weak she was. He remembered that the next year, Helen, trying to keep them all together while his dad struggled to fix what was broken. Then there were the years with Julian. He made Christmas a simple, but fun affair. But then Livvy died, and Ty's days bled together and neither he or his ghostly sister could tell, exactly, when the holidays had come and gone.

It was more recently, when he and Kit moved in together, that Christmas had dug a bigger he in his heart. Every year they went to Devon for Christmas morning, then to Las Angeles for dinner that night. And the rest of the day? That was just purely Kit and Ty. 

Christmas was alright in Ty's eyes. It was just like any other holiday. He never found himself overly excited, but this year, there are butterflies in his stomach. He's wondering if the gifts he got for his loved ones, (which used to be a short list but was now much longer.) Were good enough.

“Do they know we’re on our way?” 

Ty wrestles himself from his thoughts, returning to the present. In a pick up truck, heater blasting and radio just quiet enough to be heard over. Irene sat in his lap, asleep in the weak sunlight drifting in from the windshield. The phone in his hand vibrates with Julian’s recent text. “Yeah.” Ty answer's Kit’s question, his gaze drifting to look at his boyfriend. Kit’s smiling, fingers tapping and voice humming with the music. The morning light makes his hair glow gold, and his Herondale ring glint silver. Kit glances his way, and smiles. "Think it'll be fun?" He asks.

Ty shrugs, "I think it'll be loud." He says, frankly. "And a little fun." He concedes. Big parties were not Ty's idea of fun. But...parties were always better with Kit there. Always more fun. Always more laughs. Even when Ty would have to step out because things just felt too loud. Kit would be right behind. To hold his hand, hug him tight, tell him it was ok if he was done for the night. Ty usually was. Kit never complained about leaving early, was always ready with an excuse to leave if needed. Always seemed content to come back home and spend the night with each other and no one else. 

It was one of the reasons Ty loved Kit so much. 

Sometimes he wondered, in the back of his mind, if Kit ever got annoyed or tired of Ty. If maybe, one day, he would decide that Ty wasn't worth the trouble.

"Probably." Kit agreed. "There are going to be a lot of people there. But at least we know most of them." His hand falls from the wheel and intertwines with Ty's. With the truck turning off the highway and onto a familiar road, Ty licked his lips. "I don't know if I'm ready for Christmas madness." He says. Kit sighs wearily, "No one ever really is." 

Their eyes meet for just a moment and Ty feels himself smile. They pull up the road and park outside the Institute. Irene wakes as they stop, perking up in excitement as she realizes where they are. Before they leave the truck, Ty leans over and steals a kiss from his boyfriend. "It'll be okay. As long as we keep you away from the alcohol." Ty and Irene dash out of the truck before Kit could respond with anything more than a laugh.

They didn't even reach the front door before it was thrust open. "Ty-Ty!!" Tavvy barreled into Ty's awaiting arms, he grunted slightly under the weight. Tavvy wasn't a little kid anymore, that was for sure. But that didn't change the way he always greeted his brother. Even though Ty lived 20 minutes away, and was over every Saturday morning, Tavvy still hugged him as if he hadn't seen him in a hundred years. Ty squeezed his little brother back before Tavvy released him, and crashed into Kit instead. A laugh from the front door tore Ty’s attention to Julian, who was grinning and holding the door open. Irene darted between his legs and into the Institute. No doubt heading for the fireplace. “How was the drive?” Julian asks, like he does every time they visit. “It was fine,” Ty answers, like he does every time. He smiles at this little bit of normal routine. He treasures it, knowing it will soon be ruined when all the guest arrive and the little kids start running around and there are a more people cooking in the kitchen than the fire department would like and-

“Faster!! Faster!!!” Ty is pulled from his spiraling thoughts by Tavvy’s laugh. He turns to find Tavvy has managed his way onto Kit’s back, and Kit is spinning him around and around, faster and faster. Julian rolls his eyes at them and helps Ty unload the gifts they brought from the truck and Ty’s heartbeat calms down. He sneaks a couple of deep breaths when no one is looking. Emma emerges from the hallway, she conscripts Ty to help her put a few more decorations up. Mostly, the mistletoe in the door ways. It’s been tradition for Ty to put those up, every year. His dad used to put him on one shoulder, and Livvy on the other. Together, the three of them would search for the best, or most inconvenient, locations for mistletoes. Now though, Ty did it by himself. 

Julian has taken Kit into the kitchen. Ty can hear them laughing as they start the cooking for the night. When they had first started dating, Kit’s cooking skills had taken him by surprise. Kit had just shrugged and said, “Jem and Tessa taught me some.” As their relationship grew, Kit told him the whole truth. “My dad didn’t take care of himself.” He whispered into the dark between them, one night. “He didn’t take care of me, either. But I was a kid and I didn’t understand that I needed to be taken care of. But he was a mess, a huge, ugly, mean, mess. But he was my dad, too. I thought that meant that I was supposed to take care of him. So I did a lot of the things that he didn’t. I learned to cook, and clean. I bought groceries when he forgot, or when he was out of town for a long time. I just…” He looked over at Ty, his fingers feather light as he brushed away hair from Ty’s face. “I just learned to keep going.” 

Ty hoped that he had shown him, that it was okay to be taken care of. He hoped Kit had learned to sit back, sometimes, and let others do their jobs. 

“I think it looks good,” Emma said, stepping back to look at their handiwork. The mistletoe hung, just out of reach so it wouldn’t get caught in anyone's hair. (That had happened one year, and Helen still refused to walk underneath mistletoe.) But the red berries caught the light just right, and shimmered a little. Ty nods, and Emma reaches up to ruffle his hair. He swats her hand away, but he laughs all the same. He loves the way that Emma tries to make the hole in his heart, where Livvy used to be, a little smaller. “C’mon,” she says, and Ty already knows what she's going to say. “Let's go play some checkers,” 

He’s already nodding before she’s finished. Though, playing checkers on Christmas Eve wasn’t a Ty and Livvy tradition, that one was purely Ty and Emma. The checkers board is worn and faded, and some of the pieces have seen better days but they don’t complain. They set it up in the family room, in front of the fireplace and Christmas tree. Irene has already made her home there, and comes to lay her head on Ty’s lap as they play on the floor. The two of them play while the rest of the Blackthorns make their way into the room. Helen and Aline pass their baby daughter back and forth between themselves. The baby is constantly changing which of her moms is her current favorite. 

Dru, Ash, and Cristina have taken up the floor next to them and are playing some kind of card game with Tavvy. Mark is helping Ash cheat by looking at other people's cards for him. Kieran is doing the same thing for Crisrtina (How Kieran managed to get the holiday off, despite being the literal king of Faire, Ty has absolutely no idea) But somehow Dru is still winning. Julian and Kit are still in the kitchen, and every once in a while shout for Cristina’s help. Mark has offered to help them, and each time there has been a resounding “NO” from everyone within earshot. 

Despite the familial chaos around them, Emma and Ty have made a sort of bubble of calm around themselves. As they take turns creeping their pieces across the board, a shimmering of silver catches Ty’s eye. Emma’s wedding ring sits on her left hand, catching the glow from the fire. She sees him looking and smiles. “I had asked Julain for his Blackthorn ring,” she says, and rolls her eyes. “Because it’s a cute tradition and all. But then Julian flat out refused. I thought he was just attached to his ring or something but, then he told me that it would be pointless.” She slides the ring of her finger, holding it out to him. Ty takes it with gentle hands. It's a simple silver band, there's a gem set in the center. Upon closer inspection, Ty realizes that it's no precious gem, but a bit of shining sea glass. He smiles, thinking about Julian’s sea glass bracelets. He hands the ring back as Emma continues the story.

“He said that exchanging family rings is a sign of each family now accepting the couple as their own. He said it would be pointless for me to have a Blackthorn ring, because I’ve been a Blackthorn this whole time.” She smiles softly at the ring, at the memory. And Ty finds himself agreeing, “That’s right. You’ve always been a Blackthorn.” Emma’s cheeks turn a little pink and she leans over, kissing him on the temple. “Thank you, Ty-Ty.” They smile at one another, for a second, before Emma holds up her right hand. Both a Blackthorn ring, and a Carstairs ring, adorn her fingers. “Still wanted a Blackthorn ring, though. They look cool.”

Ty laughs and shakes his head at her a little. The two of them settle into another comfortable silence as their game continues. Ty moves one piece to the edge of her side of the board. As Emma goes to king it, Ty whispers, “I would want a family ring, too.” He’s not even sure when he’s started thinking about it, but recently, Ty has found himself awake at night, imagining what it would be like to get married. Emma blinks in surprise. But Ty smiles, and he knows it's a dopey, love sick kind of smile, as he looks at his own hand and imagines a Herondale ring on his finger. “Like you said,” His voice is quiet, like he’s sharing a secret, “It’s a cute tradition.” When he dares a glance back at Emma, she’s smiling at him and giving him a look he can’t really understand. 

She almost looks like she's going to say something when a cry from the other side of the room breaks into their thoughts. Tavvy has stood up, his hands on his hips as he glares at Cristina, Mark, Ash, and Kieran. “You’re cheating!!! I can’t believe you!!” He shouts and they look away, guilty as charged. Dru has collapsed onto the ground, laughing. Emma shares one last glance at him, and winks, before going to help Tavvy dole out punishments. Ty sits there for a moment, wondering why he feels like Emma knows something he doesn’t. 

~♡◇♤~♡◇♤~♡◇♤~

Cooking with Julian is always a high stakes game. Most of the time, Kit tries to keep Julian from even looking at what he's doing. Knowing that no matter what he does, Julain will tell him it's wrong. Truth be told, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way Kit cooks. In fact, Kit is a damn fine cook, and he knows it. Julian just has a very specific way of doing things, and if it's not done Julian's way, well then, it's not right. 

It doesn't help that the two of them have a silent rivalry when it comes to cooking and secret recipes. 

Despite this, they still manage to work in a smooth and seamless team. They know what dishes they will make, and which ones they will not touch. (Kit will never stuff a turkey. Sorry, but he draws the line at shoving his hand up a turkey's ass.)(but likewise, Julian will never let anyone know how bad he is at making pies.) This was the first time that the LA Institute was holding the big Christmas party. So Kit got the feeling that Julian wanted to impress everyone. Kit wasn’t sure why he wanted to do that, everyone has been impressed by him since he took over the Institute at age twelve. But it was also kind of sweet, the way Julian still wanted to impress the people older than him. Kit would never say that to his face, but he would think it every now and then. 

As they cooked, the conversation between them flowed easily. They laughed and teased and Kit was immensely grateful that Julian never brought up the one thing Kit didn’t want to talk about. Even though it was clear that he was dying for news, Julian never brought up the engagement. Kit’s anxiety was already high, buzzing constantly under his skin. The last thing he needed was for people to start voicing the questions he already had or to judge his plan or his idea. 

Truthfully, Kit didn’t even have a plan. Not really. He was just praying to the Angel that the perfect opportunity would just….happen….

His peace in the kitchen with Julian didn’t last long, however. While they put everything in the oven to bake, or the fridge to chill, the two of them went to join the others in the living room and wait for their guests to arrive. Kit wasn’t entirely sure what had happened while they were in the kitchen. But somehow, Cristina, Mark, Kieran, and Ash were all wearing Santa hats that had “Naughty List” written on them, while Emma took photos on her phone. Ash and Cristina were trying to get the phone from her. Mark seemed to be enjoying the attention. Meanwhile, Dru and Tavvy were inhaling chocolates, and every once and a while they would throw one just to see if Kieran could catch it in his mouth. For the King of Fairie, he was surprisingly undexterous. 

Among all this chaos, was Ty. He was sitting on the couch with Helen and Aline and their baby. He was laying his head against Helen’s shoulder as she ran her long fingers through his hair. Kit thought that Ty might fall asleep at any moment. He came to join them as Julian took the baby from Aline’s arms. For a man who, by all accounts, should be tired of children. He adored babies. Kit let out a laugh as Julian threatened to keep the baby for himself and Aline threatened to stuff him into the turkey. 

Ty opened his eyes just enough to give Kit a sleepy smile as he sat down. “Hey,” Ty murmured. “Hey,” Kit said back, pulling Ty’s legs onto his lap. Ty leaned a little farther back against Helen, and she swatted his hair away before turning to talk to Aline and Julian. Giving them a little pocket of privacy. Which Kit appreciated. 

"How's it goin’?" He says in a singsong voice. Ty shrugs, "Pretty good. Emma and I played checkers."

"Did you win?"

"Of course I won. Someone in this relationship has to be a winner." 

Kit feigned offense. "I'm hurt. To think my own boyfriend could be so cruel." Ty chuckled, but didn't say anything, his eyes already closing. It only took moments for Ty to fall asleep against his sister. Kit slid Ty's shoes off and placed them on the floor, knowing how much Ty hated sleeping with his shoes on. When he looked up, he realized that the chatter of the Blackthorns had stopped. Now, everyone was looking at him. Most of them were smiling mischievously. Kit felt his cheeks go red. "What?"

Emma snorted. "What', he says. Like he doesn't know." She stuck her tongue out at him, he would have returned it if Dru hadn't thrown a chocolate at him. "Oww!" He hissed as it bounced off his forehead. Dru paid him no head, "When are you gonna do it!" She all but shouts. Both Kit and Helen shush her, Kit holds his breath as Ty shifts a little, but doesn't wake. He lets out a sigh of relief. "Watch it," Kit warns, tossing the chocolate back at Dru. She catches it effortlessly. 

"You didn't answer the question���" Ash points out. Kit finds that he can't look at them. Any of them. So he looks at Ty's legs on his lap, and picks a speck of lint of his Christmas sweater. "Tonight," he says, simply. "When?" Cristina prompts. To this, he stays silent. The silence draws on, awkward and heavy between them all. 

"Kit..." Aline draws.

"Christopher." Mark throws his Santa hat at Kit. He swats it away and feels his face grow hot. 

Finally, Ash just sighs and announces, "He doesn't have a plan. He thinks the 'right moment' will just happen." The room erupts into outraged shouts and groans. Helen and Kit shush everyone again, and by some Christmas miracle, Ty stays asleep. Everyone lowers their voices, but still berates Kit for his poor planning. 

"You can't just know. Knowing you, you'll probably just chicken out." -Dru.

"Por el amor de Dios. You've GOT to be kidding me," -Cristina.

"Do you have any plans? At all???" -Helen.

"You put too much trust in him," -Tavvy.

"Alright fine. All that matters, is that he has a ring," At Aline’s addition, Kit perked up. "I do have that!" He said, a little too excitedly. "Where is it?" Mark asked. Kit held up his right hand, with his Herondale ring. 

There was a mixed chorus of replies. Helen thought that he should probably clean the ring before he gave it to him, which was true. Mark thought that giving your family ring was cheating a little. While the room broke into sides about whether giving your family ring was romantic, or cheap, a hand came to rest on Kit’s shoulder. It was Emma, who had come around to the back of the couch. "Hey, Kit?" He turned his head to her at that. Emma smiled at him, and then nodded to Ty, "You're going to be just fine." 

Her assurance in him flooded warmth in his chest. He found himself smiling, letting out a breath of relief. Emma pressed a kiss to his cheek, and patted his shoulder.

So maybe Kit didn't really have a plan. And maybe he was a total coward and even just thinking about getting down on one knee made his palms sweat uncontrollably. But Emma Carstairs, yes, the Emma Carstairs, hugged his shoulders from behind, and told him "You got this." So. Yeah. Kit had this in the bag. 

Hopefully.

~♡◇♤~♡◇♤~♡◇♤~

The party was in full swing. The guests had arrived right on time. (Well, the Lightwood-Banes were fashionably late. But that was expected.) The dining room hadn't been big enough for all the guests. So everyone had gathered their food on plates and spread out through the Institute. Kit had forgotten how many people he actually knew. Every room he went into, he ran into a familiar face. Every room had a different game or conversation, a different Christmas song in the background. Though he stopped in every room, there was only one face he wanted to find. He and Ty had gotten separated at some point, and in a party like this, it was nearly impossible to find each other again. 

He was passing through the kitchen when a small figure, glad in a red and green tutu, crashed into his legs. "Kit-kat!" Mina yelled, and held her arms up to be picked up. She was getting too big to do that, but neither of them cared. Kit scooped her up and tickled her side. She laughed, and the sound was sorely missed. Kit visited Devon almost weekly, but it never felt like enough. "Did you grow taller since last week?" Kit asked. A laugh from behind caught him by surprise. Tessa and Jem were in the doorway, both in cheesy Christmas sweaters. "She most certainly did." Jem remarked, coming to put his arm around Kit’s shoulders. 

Kit leaned into him instinctively, letting Jem's steady presence reassure him. He took a deep breath of his dad's scent, and then asked, "Have either of you seen Ty?" Tessa shook her head, "No. I take it you haven't asked yet, then?" Kit shook his head. 

"Kit," Mina whispered, cupping her hand around his ear, like she was going to tell him a secret. "Can I be the flower girl at your wedding?" Kit held in his laugh, looking at her seriously. He nodded once. "Of course. I wouldn't have it any other way." Mina beamed. Kit glanced over at Tessa, and found her smiling a secret sort of smile at him. She nodded to the back door, "Shall we?" 

He wasn't sure what they were going to do, but he nodded all the same. Jem took Mina from his arms, and ruffled his hair. Tessa held her hand out to him and he took it. She lead him out the backdoor and into the statue garden. Kit hadn't realized how hot it was before the cold air hit his face. A breeze rippled through his hair. "It's strange to see Christmas without snow," Tessa remarks, staring out at the stars. Her soft brown curls were pinned up with pearls, gleaming softly in the low light. Not for the first time, Tessa looked both impossibly young, and wise with age at the same time. 

They sit on a stone bench, and are quiet for a long moment. "I want to give you something, Kit." Tessa finally said. Kit raised an eyebrow, "You know, Christmas isn’t until tomorrow." Tessa smiled, "Then consider this an early present." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, velvet box. 

"What, you proposing to me, now?" 

Tessa rolled her eyes and handed him the box. Kit clicked it open, and his breath caught. "Tessa…" 

Inside the box, was a shinning, silver, Herondale ring. It looked just as old as Kit's, but it was smoother, and a little smaller. Tessa wrapped her arm around him, "The one you wear," she says, "Was James's." He turns to her at that. "I didn't know." The fact that she had given that to him, even when he was fifteen and angry all the time. But Tessa only shrugs. "I figured, both my sons should have it." 

She brushes a finger against the ring in the box. "This one," she whispers, "Was Cordelia's. You can tell, because she didn't get nearly as much ichor on it as James did." She laughs at this, and Kit thinks about the pictures of Cordelia at the house in Devon. "I imagine her pure beauty and talent repelled dirt and ichor." He murmured and Tessa snorted. "She was...one of a kind. Like your Ty." She nudges Kit, and when he looks up at her, the soft and loving look she gives him makes his eyes well up with tears. 

“Will proposed to me on Christmas, too.” She says, her voice impossible soft. He hugs her then, tight. His head tucking under her chin like he was a teenager again and not a young man. “You’re going to be just fine, Kit. He loves you, and you love him, and that's all that matters. The rest is just…” She gestures at the garden around them, “I was going to say snow, but maybe in LA, it would be sand.” Tessa shrugs at her failed analogy. “Nothing else matters,” She explained, and looked him in the eyes with a stern look, “Just as long as you love one another. And I know you do.” 

"Thank you," he crooked. Tessa kissed his forehead. "I love you, Kit," she whispered. She knew how hard the words were hard for him to say to her, and to Jem. So when Kit whispered back, "I love you, too." She squeezed him tight. 

Kit left Tessa in the statue garden, and made his way back into the party. The ring, a comforting weight in his pocket. His head felt clearer and he knew where Ty would be. 

Kit knocked on the trap door before lifting it up. He climbed onto the roof, instantly getting hit with memories of him and Ty sneaking away at dozens of events. Sure enough, Ty sat at the edge of the roof. When he saw Kit approach, he grinned. Kit sat next to him, "Hey stranger," he ran his hand up Ty's back. He felt him shiver. 

"It got kind of loud." Ty said, by way of explanation. Kit nodded in agreement. Even now, a gentle Christmas song floated through an open window and up to the roof. "We can go whenever you want," he reminds him, like he always does. Ty tends to get it in his head that his needs don't matter. Kit does the same thing, too. So they take care of each other. With little reminders or quiet company. 

Ty shakes his head. "I'm good," he glances at Kit, "I just want to sit up here, with you. If that's okay?" He tilts his head, his dark hair falling into his silver eyes. Kit reaches out and brushes it back. "Of course it is," his hand lingers on Ty’s cheek, and he leans into the touch. Ty turns his face, kisses Kit’s palm. 

Something happens at this moment. Maybe the light just, hit him just right. Maybe the goddamn Angel himself sent a sign. Maybe Kieran was down below, using some Fairie King Magic to make everything just right. It didn't really matter how it happened, the point is, everything was perfect. Nothing in Kit’s life had ever been perfect. Except for this. Except for Ty.

A cool breeze turned their noses and cheeks red. Their fingers into icicles. Baby It's Cold Outside is playing softly in the distance. And Kit finds himself humming along. So he stands up, and holds out his hand. "Dance with me," He says, his voice sounding low even in his own ears. Ty laughs but takes his hand. "We can have our own little party right now," Kit grins, pulling Ty up. 

Ty rolls his eyes but let's Kit lead him in a dance, anyway. "You're a dork," he remarks. Kit spins him, "And you're beautiful." Ty blushes. Even now that they're grown and Kit tells him he's beautiful every chance he gets, Ty still blushes. And it makes Kit's heart soar. Kit tugs him closer by the waist, "I love you," he whispers, and feels his voice crack a little. Because it's true. Kit loves him, more than he knew he could possibly love someone. And everyday, it grows just a little bit more. 

"Ty, I-"

 Shit. 

He can't even get the worst out. He swallows thickly. There's a pressure building in his eyes. He knows he's going to cry, but at this point. Ty has seen every twisted, rotten, vulnerable, messy, wonderful side of Kit. He's seen him cry a dozen times before, so really, at this point, Kit doesn't care. 

"Ty, I love you so much." Tears are already welling in his eyes and his feet are struggling to keep moving. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Kit has to clear his throat to keep going. They've stopped dancing now, and Ty is wiping away his tears with gentle fingers. 

"What's wrong, Christopher?" 

Kit hiccups a sob as his name leaves his loved one's mouth. "Nothing. I'm sorry I just-" he forces a watery laugh. "I don't want to be with anyone else. Tiberius. I love you. Do you….do you understand?" From the way that Ty blinks at him, the way his face is pinched in concern, Kit doesn't think he does. He curses himself. Trust him to make some confusing love confession while sobbing. At this point, there is only one way for him to be completely clear. Kit takes Ty's hand.

He gets down on one knee.

Ty's eyes widen. His chest rises and falls rapidly. His fingers tighten their grip on Kit’s hand.

"Tiberius." Kit says, his voice steadier. He reaches into his pocket and retrieves the blue velvet box. He clicks it open. 

"Will you marry me?" 

There's a silence for a long time and Kit fears the worst-

Until Ty meets his eyes. Kit sees that the reason he hasn't spoken, is simply because his hand is covering his mouth, tears streaming down his cheeks. But he's grinning from ear to ear and nodding rapidly. "Yes." He chokes out. "Yes. Angel yes, I'll marry you, Christopher!!" He tugs Christopher up and it's hard to tell which one of them pulls the other into a kiss, but it's watery, a little salty, and the sweetest thing Kit has ever experienced. Ty’s hands fist into his sweater, and Kit tugs him closer with one hand, the other carefully holding the ring up and out of the way. Ty kisses him harder, like he can’t express how he feels in any other way than by closeness and pressure and heat and-

Kit stumbles back, his foot sliding on a patch of ice and he comes crashing down on the roof, pulling Ty down with him. He lands with a loud bang and he groans as pain spikes up his back and Ty’s elbow collides with his ribs. Ty can’t even apologize, he’s already laughing. Kit joins him and then there they are. On the cold, wet, icy roof. Tears flowing down both their cheeks, and they’re laughing. Kit manages to slide the ring onto Ty’s cold finger, but he can’t bring himself to find the strength to stand. 

The trap door suddenly bursts open and Julian Blackthorn’s head appears, “Is everything okay?! We heard a bang-shit, what happened?” 

Kit and Ty laugh harder as Julian pulls himself onto the roof and the heads and faces of all their friends and family pop in and out of view. Kit wonders if they’ve been waiting down there the whole time. If Tessa ran off to tell everyone that Kit was going to do it as soon as their conversation had finished. 

Probably. 

They all share bewildered looks, but instead of forming coherent sentences, Kit just laughs, brushes away a tear, and holds up Ty’s left hand in victory. A roar of cheers and applause erupt from down below, one that sounds like it starts from Emma and Ash. Julian pulls them up and brushes off some of the dirty ice from the roof, before they are ushered down the ladder and into the warm, welcoming, rejoicing arms of their family. 

Even as Jem squeezes him tight and Jace ruffles his hair, Kit’s eyes never leave Ty’s. 

He grins.

Ty grins back.  

[theonlinemuse]

In the comics, Rick had more relatives (like his cousin Rebecca) and he probably would've been a big brother had his parents lived. Since we like to joke that he’s the ultimate big brother to the JSA, me and @freckledpianoman decided to make him a big brother in an AU where Wendi and Rex live: 

His little sister’s named Rebecca, but Rick calls her Bex for short. He only calls her Rebecca if she’s annoying him and full names her (“Rebecca Gwendoline Tyler!”) when she’s in trouble. She’s seven and Rick often wonders if he has a little sister or a little monkey with how she’s forever getting into places she shouldn’t be in 

“How did you even get in my room, I locked it from the inside.” “What, like it’s hard?” 

She also likes perching on his shoulders because she likes seeing everything and feeling as tall as her brother 

Rick didn’t know it at first, but Bex knew Beth first. Beth works in the children’s library on Saturdays where she does read alouds for kids and Bex is always talking about the smart girl who reads all sorts of fun stories to her. Bex often requests for Beth to do certain voices and accents and thinks that the voice that Beth does for grumpy characters makes her sound like her brother 

He’s wondering who his sister befriended because this Beth person seems too good to be true. One day he’s running late to pick Bex up because he had engine problems and when he gets there, he sees his little sister being read to while she's sitting in the lap of a pretty girl 

Bex sees him turning red and she tugs at his sleeve and goes, “Rick, don't embarrass me, she’s really nice” 

Rick and Bex have a very petty rivalry over getting Beth’s attention

“Stop trying to steal my friend, Rick! I had her first!” “Kids, behave.” Wendi has to give them a look so that Beth doesn’t think they're heathens

Bex notices the look that her brother has every time he talks with Beth and she’s this close to giving him a shovel talk 

“Stop trying to steal Beth!” “We go to the same school, I’d see her anyway!” “What, no fair! Do you have lunch with her? Does she share her brownies with you?” “Hmm, maybe she does, I guess you'll never know.” 

And Bex chases after him while he laughs 

Wendi ends up with a surprise pregnancy in her mid-forties a few months before Rick's sixteenth birthday. He’s torn between “you’re already old, stop having children” and being anxious over her pregnancy. He glares at Rex and goes, “this is what happens when you don’t keep your hands to yourself”. Rex is sitting there like “shouldn’t I be the one lecturing you on keeping your hands to yourself?” “Don’t distract me, old man, you’re supposed to be the responsible one.”

Everyone argues over baby names, but they eventually settle on Rowan. Her middle name is Elizabeth and yes, she was named for Beth. It was Rick and Bex’s idea since they were allowed to pick a middle name

Beth thought that she heard wrong at first, but she sees Rick smile softly and nod and it’s all happy tears for her. Later Beth buries her face in his chest and scolds him for making her cry 

“You named a baby after me, how else am I supposed to react?”

It doesn’t help that Rowan’s first word is “Beff” 

Rex taught his kids how to use the hourglass in case of emergencies. Rick has used the hourglass before for training. Bex got banned from using the hourglass because she somehow lifted up a corner of the house because she was trying to get her baseball back 

“How?!” “Artemis taught me how to lift with my knees.” 

Rick’s usually very responsible with the hourglass save for a couple of times when he impulsively stole it for “missions”, aka helping Beth or Bex. The third time was when he set the hourglass down while Rowan was using the coffee table to pull herself up and she ended up using it to lift the couch to get her pacifier from under it

“Dad, I think I broke Rowan!” 

Beth often finds Rick asleep on the couch with Rowan napping on his chest. It’s as adorable as it sounds and she takes pics for the group chat. And sometimes she catches him singing softly to Rowan. Bex says that he did the same when she was little and they joke about Rick being the ultimate big brother to the JSA and to Bex and Rowan 

There have been times where Rick and Bex will come out of their rooms to find Beth helping Rex with chemistry stuff, having completely forgotten they were supposed to be hanging out. While Rick’s glad that Beth gets a chance to discuss things with another chemistry nerd (even if it is his dad), the Tyler siblings are still put out by it. It was bad enough that Wendi asked her to pose for her newest painting, but now they have to worry about their dad stealing Beth 

They have to sneak Beth into the house so Rex can’t grab her on her way in, Bex clinging to Beth while Rick guides her in with his hand on her back 

But Rick sees how much fun Beth has posing for Wendi’s paintings and he’s just happy that Beth’s happy 

Beth and Rick share custody of Hootie and after Rowan was born, Rick does not want that ‘damn feral bird’ anywhere near his baby sister, but Hootie acts like a guard owl for Rowan. He tried shooing Hootie away from her crib, but he ends up getting his head pecked while Hootie lands in the crib, nuzzling Rowan's hair much to Rick's horror. He thinks she'll get rabies

Beth scolds Rick when she hears about it from Bex. “Your mom already had Rowan get her shots and Hootie’s up to date on all of his. They’ll be fine.” And Rick comes home one day to find Hootie perched on Wendi’s shoulder while she holds Rowan 

“Mom. There is an owl on your shoulder, why aren't you freaking out?” “He never does anything, he’s just curious about her.” “He’s a wild bird, not a dog.” “He’s basically a dog, Bex plays fetch with him.”

“Of course she does. Trust Beth to rescue a bird just as weird as her.” “Please, you love her weirdness.” 

There’s a babysitting episode where Rick has to babysit his sisters because Wendi and Rex have date night and Rex goes, "do not call us, Rick, I just want a night out with your mother and if you even think about sending a text, I’ll call Beth and tell her how you feel about her. Do not test me, son.” Rick thinks his dad is seriously pent up but as the car pulls out of the driveway, Rick gets a text from Rex that says “you should invite Beth over for some company while you watch your sisters”

Rick is more than a little disturbed that his dad of all people is playing matchmaker

Bex perks up when she hears that Beth might be coming over and she climbs over Rick to try and get to his phone so that she can call Beth. “Bex, stop that, I’ll call her.” “But you take too long, Riri.” It’s a wonder that Beth is able to hear him over Bex constantly interjecting and saying that she wants to talk with her

Beth offers to help out with dinner, but Rick keeps shooing her out of the kitchen, saying that she should relax and hang out with the girls. “But cooking is relaxing for me.” “Go watch a stupid sitcom or something, I’ll be done in a minute.”

They take turns feeding Rowan while she's in her high chair, she’s a very messy eater and Rick always gets food on him whenever he feeds her. But it doesn't stop Rowan from trying to put her hands all over her brother's face. She thinks the faces he makes are funny and Bex just eggs her on 

It's times like this where Rick is glad that Beth is here because as much as he loves his sisters, they can be a handful. “Bex, stop encouraging this.” “Aim for his eyes next time, Rowan.” “No!” He sees Rowan pouting and he has to go into stern big brother mode. “We do not poke people's eyes, young lady.”

Beth thinks it's funny when Rick gets all stern with the girls and she starts calling him “old man”. He's so affronted by it and you know he's gonna get back at her for it once the girls are put to bed. Beth knows it too and she tries to escape, but it ends up with Rick chasing her all over the house before he finally tackles her onto the couch

“Get off me, you might break your hip.” “Sorry, I think my hip is acting up. You’re stuck here now.” “You’re a jerk." “It’s fair game, sweetheart.” “Well, you really sound like an old man now.” Rick just pins her down with his hips and goes, “does this feel old to you?” “I dunno Rick, how are you feeling? Any joints out of place?” Rick smirks and the next thing Beth knows, she’s being princess carried. “You tell me.”

Rick just twirls her around just to hear her laugh more and that’s what Wendi and Rex walk in on. Rick almost drops Beth, but she clings onto him before he can. Wendi has a mischievous grin as she asks if Beth and Rick had fun. She wishes she had her phone out to take a pic of how red Rick’s face went. Beth is embarrassed, but Wendi and Rex invite her to stay the night since her parents are away and it’s too late for her to go home

“Listen, I love Beth and I want you to make a move, don't get me wrong, but I am not ready for grandkids.” “Dad, gross, mom already gave me the talk. I haven't even thought about having kids yet.” “Lies, I’ve seen the way you look at Beth whenever she holds Rowan.” “That doesn’t mean I’m imagining having kids with her!” “I’m not stupid, I’ve given that look before.”

Rick is horrified because he did not want to hear that, but it does explain Bex and Rowan. “Bottom line, you and Beth need to be responsible.” “You’re saying all this like there’s even a chance something’ll happen.” “Do I need to point out the way you look at her?” “Dad, please, can you just—stop embarrassing me in front of my friends? I’ve worked too hard to trick Beth into thinking that having me as a friend may actually not be such a bad idea for you to scare her away now.”

“You don't give Beth enough credit. She’s here to stay.”

Once there was a problem with the daycare that Rowan was supposed to be at and Rick had picked her up before lunch and now she’s hanging at the loser table with the JSA. Rick is treated like an exhibit at the zoo because of his baby sister because she’s just babbling happily in his arms and she gets away with pulling his hair

The teachers are just watching Rick come and go to classes with a baby like it’s no big deal and the students just look at him in shock because the delinquent they’ve all been told to avoid is being ordered around by an infant

And now they have a front row seat for Beth and Rick coparenting Rowan. A couple people straight up ask if they're dating because it’s such a domestic sight. Beth is startled and blurts out, “oh no, no, we’re best friends”

Rick is off to the side, quiet but heartbroken. Rowan pats his face to comfort him 

One time when Rick was out of the house and Beth was hanging out with the girls, Bex randomly asks Beth if she likes Rick. “He’s my best friend, of course I like him.” “I meant do you like like him, like how mom and dad do.” “Oh, um—” "Because it’s okay if you do. Rowan and me like you and so do mom and dad.” Beth looks unsure so Bex and Rowan cuddle with her 

Rick comes back to find all of them cuddling and he catches Bex giving Beth a look. He knows something is up because he knows Bex, that's her ‘I did something and I don't want Rick to know’ look. “What did you do?” “Not even a hi, Riri?” “That’s the same look you had when you let a lava cake explode in the oven and tried to hide it from mom.”

“I didn’t do anything! Maybe you’re trying to hide something so you’re deflecting onto me!” “Did Beth teach you what deflecting means?” “She’s been helping me get ready for the spelling bee, duh. And I’m not deflecting.” “Rebecca Gwendoline, what did you do?” “On second thought, I’m going to bed early tonight, byyeee!”

He just looks at Rowan, who’s gnawing on the plush owl that Beth gave her. “You’re not telling me either, are you?” She blows a raspberry at him. “Of course not. Hanging around Beth has made you and Bex too smart for your own good.”

Beth and Rick once looked after the girls for the weekend while Wendi and Rex go on vacation. The guest room is practically already Beth's room so the Tylers tell her she can just stay over, though Rex did expect them to share a bed. He and Wendi have a little bet going on about it. They end up video calling Beth on the first night 

Meanwhile Beth and Rick are snuggled up against each other when Beth glances at her phone and goes “oh crap” and pushes Rick away from her as she answers, but the Tylers can still hear Rick grumbling. Beth keeps glancing towards Rick, who’s just sitting there pouting because precious time is being wasted and he knows the girls will be awake soon. “Beth, honey, are you okay? You’re looking a little distracted.” “Uh—I’m fine! Just making sure the girls aren't already awake.” 

“Rick isn’t giving you trouble, is he?” Beth sneaks a look at a glowering, pouty Rick. “No?” Right after she says that, he starts sneaking his hand up her waist and she lets out a choked gasp. “Beth?” “Okay, he is a little,” she admits before swatting Rick’s hand away

“Is he awake yet? We can tell him to stop being such a demon if you need us to.” “Uh—no! He's asleep. In his room. You know how he gets, low blood pressure demon and all that.” “Oh, you have no idea. Rex says he still has phantom pains where Rick clawed him the last time he tried to wake him up.” 

“You sure we had a kid and not a feral cat?” Rick forgets himself and goes, “I was seven, get over it old man.” Beth drops her phone onto her lap to panic while Rex and Wendi quietly crack up on the other end of the call

They can still hear her admonishing Rick. “Why would you say that, now your parents are gonna be wondering what I’m doing in your room and this is so embarrassing!” 

Beth’s hiding her face in her hands and Rick grabs her phone off her lap and says “uh—we're gonna go, I think I just heard Rowan.” “Rowan won’t be waking up for another hour—” “Bye mom, love you.” 

Rick spends the next little while coaxing Beth to stop hiding. “It’s not that bad, you know my parents love you.” He rests his head on her shoulder and goes, “c’mon, Beth”, but she jerks away and says “no, I’m never living this down” 

“This isn't the first time they’ve caught us in bed together.” “Not helping, Rick!”

He hugs himself against her and feels her relax, but she’s still hiding her face. Then his phone buzzes and he holds his screen up to her to show a text from Wendi saying, “tell Beth we trust her (not you)”. Beth collapses into giggles over the text

“My own parents think I’m some kind of deviant!” “Okay, but is that such a wild assumption to make? I didn’t even say anything that bad!” “Oh? Then did I just imagine you calling me trouble, sweetheart?”

[infinitecapacities]

Goals

Mental

1. To stop comparing myself to others. I can feel confident pretty easily by dressing up, putting on some makeup, and doing my hair nice. But what instantly seems to ruin it is my mind looking at other people and wishing I had what they have. I know that others beauty should not take away from my own, but yet I cannot help but diminish myself and sometimes start to feel insecure in the presence of others. This is something I need to work on mentally, I have to realize that no physical attribute that I achieve will conquer this. There will always be someone who WE perceive as better. However, there is only one me, and I am special in many ways. I do not need to try and be like anyone else. I need to be at peace with myself and fully accept that no matter how I look in comparison of others I am good enough.

2. Presence. This is something that I have gotten much better at. Fully focusing on the moment and what I am doing when I am doing it. With social media there are constant ways to distract yourself. One thing that I was doing unconsciously for a while was being on my phone any time I ate a meal. Before I even realized it, I was done with my meal and I had barely enjoyed it. Consequently, I craved more food, never really feeling satisfied. Now I am very aware of when I do this and always focus back to really enjoying my food and being thankful for how it is nourishing me. I have found that I am always satisfied after eating when I put my full presence into the act of consuming and enjoying my food. This goes with anything I do now, working out, doing homework, making my bed, getting dressed; anytime I do something with presence it turns out infinitely times better than if I did it while my mind wandered. I want to be free from anxiety always, to always do things with focus and intention. I want to really utilize my time and feel accomplished each day. I want to be organized and clean. I want to enjoy every second of the day.

3. Trust. Now this is a heavy one that I really need to work on more. There are a lot of parts of me that I still have not healed. I fully recognize that I not only have a hard time trusting other people, but I also have a hard time trusting myself. I constantly doubt everything. Whether it is right or wrong, whether I should do this or that, whether it is good or bad, I do not believe in it or even my own intuition. I find myself never really believing what anyone says, and at the same time easily lying to people. What I need to do is open my heart, be vulnerable, and live my truth even if I will feel uncomfortable or judged. To just set myself free from the fear. I have to let down my walls and let down my guard and trust that what is meant for me will simply be and I do not need to try to control things all of the time. I want to be able to love easily, to give to people with no expectations. I want to radiate sweetness and tenderness. I want to be able to express myself without holding back. I want to open up to the people in my life even if they will not understand.

Physical

1. Skin. Now this has been an issue for way too long. I am so proud of how far I have come. I have accepted this part of myself more than ever before, although it is my biggest insecurity still. More than anything, I really just want to make sure that everything that I am eating, drinking, and everything that I am applying to my skin is good for it. I want to be glowing from the inside out. I want people to compliment me on the work that I put in to get it to the smoothest clearest texture. I want to feel confident without makeup on. I want to be able to look people in the eye when they stare at me. I want to feel confident when they look at my side profile. I want to not have to hide behind my hair or makeup all the time. I want my skin to feel clean and calm and hydrated all the time.

2. Body. The main thing about my body I have been wanting to change is my weight. This first came about when I weighed myself and saw that I had gained 15+ pounds than the last time I was weighed. I had also noticed that I needed to get bigger sizes. It really hit me when I started looking back at past photos and thinking about how much skinnier I was before. I recognize now how in the past, I did things to my body for others not myself, and this is what started problems. I started going to the gym for my ex-boyfriend, not for myself. He said that I should so I started feeling insecure, and going to the gym often just made me more insecure because I felt like I was not doing enough. I just kind of did it just because I thought it would make him and other people like me more. Then quarantine hit just after my consistency at the gym started picking up, and then because my skin was at its worst, I forced myself to work out more because I felt that my body was the only beautiful thing about me left. Still, instead of feeling better it just made me critique my body more. Going to college after is really changed my body the most. Since high school I have always just eaten when I was hungry. Besides being pescatarian I never limited my diet based on insecurity. I naturally did not often over eat or under eat and I did not force myself to work out at the gym either. At that time I was always happy with my body. So when college came around and I had the unlimited meal plan, I had other people responsible for what I ate and when I ate, and I tried to get as much food as I could when they were serving. Combined with excessive drinking, I ate more and rarely felt satisfied. Food was accessible to me and I took advantage of it without really appreciating it. I was often sick. I also went a period where I could barely eat due to depression. I had panic attacks. I was living with a model who always looked perfect and so I hid my body more. So long story short I have been critiquing my body so much ever since the weight gain. Over the summer I tried different things and drastically limited my diet but I did not see much of a difference. I now know what I need to do. I just need to simply eat what my body craves and drink lots of water. Simply nourish my body with nutrient dense, fulfilling meals that make me FEEL GOOD. I love eating fruits and vegetables and so I will. I have felt so much more confident and less harsh on myself because my goal is not to be skinny or even lose weight it is to just be healthy. I am much more intentional about what I put into my body and I enjoy planning my meals and cooking them. I want to be able to know that I have to wear a swim suit and not have the urge to starve myself. I want to love my body. I want to feel energized, radiant, confident, beautiful, sexy, and most of all healthy. 

Spiritual 

1. Connect more with God/spirit. Lately I have been studying a variety of different philosophies and religions. The ones that resonate with me the most have been Buddhism and Hinduism but I believe every religion has validity that is meaningful. Do I know if there is a God? Yes and no. It is kind of hard for me to understand why things are the way they are, why God did all this. And so I question if there really is one and what he represents and how I am supposed to connect with him. At the same time, there is so much evidence in my own life that I am being guided and protected by something divine. I am so thankful my mom taught me very young to form a relationship to spirituality. She told me and my sister to pick something symbolic of our angels watching out for us, for her it was a white feather. I had a few different symbols but none were very convincing. I eventually decided on dragonflies, because I thought they were beautiful creatures and I was fascinated by them, and they are something you do not often see. Since making this decision, I have seen dragonflies every time I need a sign when I am most down or scared or confused. There is divine powers that are helping me navigate life, and I want to become more in touch with them and listen to their wisdom. This includes meditating, praying, reading, and journaling, because we can gain a lot of wisdom from within and from others stories as well, and our thoughts contribute so much to influencing the energetic field of the entire world. I want to feel good about my way of life. I want to learn more about spirituality and how it can better the world. I want to trust that there is more than meets the eye and have inner peace that there is a divine plan in everything. 

2. Do shadow work.

[reginacooks]

Day 365. The End.

I’ve decided to make cheesecake as a send-off to this blog. I cannot think of any good reason why cheesecake should not be the cake-of-celebration for having reached my goal of creating something delicious every day for one year. Cheesecake was my sister’s favorite, and she died a year ago in March, bypassing a global pandemic by one week. Every memory I have of the countless celebrations in her home include a cheesecake. Cheesecake was my father’s favorite. He grew up on New York-style cheesecake, and he made sure my mother had a Lindy’s Cheesecake recipe when they married in 1963. My mother made good on her promise to feed him with love, and cheesecake. My mother’s birthday was in March. She taught me how to make a cheesecake using her large, ceramic mixing bowl in our kitchen in Ohio. I cannot think of cheesecake without thinking of my mother. The pandemic started in March and brought us to another March. All roads lead us to cheesecake. 

One week into the pandemic and toilet-paper humor, I decided I would use the next 365 days to cook and bake, and write about it. Aside from a few months when yeast was sparse, we lacked for nothing, including toilet paper. Unbelievably, and faster than I thought one year could pass, I have reached the end of my goal. I needed a thing to grab on to at the start of this pandemic, something separate from teaching. True, I was tired at the end of some days and faced this goal reluctantly. Or worse, there was a day when I’d already gone to bed. I closed my eyes then moments later remembered my blog. But I dragged myself to the couch and sitting position anyway. Not long ago, after watching a family movie, it was close to midnight and I said to my kids, “My blog!” Ethan sat nearby. “Quick mom! It’s ten minutes to midnight. You can do it!” I shared some pictures and words of the food I’d made that day and at 11:57, clicked on “Post.” Mostly I felt like I was writing into a black void, then unexpectedly a friend would email or text indicating they were reading these posts. I was glad someone was reading, but I guess that wasn’t the point. All along I knew I was doing this for me, to brighten my days and bring on a spot of joy.  

The cooking, baking, recipe searches, taking pictures, and writing helped to define my life this year. I’ve thought a lot about why the act of cooking and baking is important to me, too. Once, many years ago, a couple of friends were on a road trip and they stopped at our home for dinner. That night I happened to be making pasta with cauliflower and tomato sauce, garlic and cheddar cheese, a pretty standard week-night meal in our house. They dug into that food like it was their last drop of sustenance on the long journey ahead, even though they were only traveling by minivan from one state to the next. They exclaimed and wanted the recipe and so thoroughly enjoyed that simple fare, it seemed as if it had been many moons since they’d eaten a homemade meal. Making dinner that night, I would never have anticipated their reaction to it.    

I think about the times I’ve been fed by others. A long time ago, for one year, I worked in a school in Highwood, Illinois, an old town with a large Italian population. The secretary of my school was a short, slight-framed, older Italian woman with whom I had a special connection. She had worked at the school for maybe her entire career. I complained to Vera once about the reading curriculum in first grade that didn’t use real children’s literature. Same old story. I hinted that I was going to talk to the principal about it. This was my first teaching job and she warned me against that. I’ll never forget her words. “You don’t talk about books to someone who doesn’t read.” She came into my room once as I was reading a story aloud to my students, and she paused to listen. Later she told me I was “the real deal.” Ah, to be seen by another person. Even if only briefly. 

Vera and her husband were making pasta dumplings, she told me one day, and she’d like to have me over for lunch. When I went across the street and knocked on their side door, I entered their kitchen where they were filling dumplings with cheese and meat, trays of fresh pasta, dough, and flour spread out on the small kitchen table. The scene was intimate and homey, as traditional as any holy ritual, and I was invited to pull up a chair. It was the first time I’d eaten homemade pasta and I remember it still.   

I have put a permanent place card next to my heart of the people who have fed me in my life. Homemade food is worth marveling at. And for me it brings back memories of the people I’ve enjoyed it with, and of other ways they’ve fed me. Vera fed me fresh pasta and there have been times over the years when my confidence suffered and I would go back to that one-liner she also fed me. “You are the real deal.”  For years I hung my hat on those words. I am the real deal. And I thought they must be so because a wise woman who read books, whose name meant truth, and who had feather-light Italian dumplings at her fingertips spoke them. 

We just never know how feeding others can have an impact, how words or deeds can take hold in our psyche, like a fortune cookie message we keep in our wallet forever. A long time ago a friend was visiting me in a house I lived in near the ocean. I packed us a picnic lunch and off we went. Years later she referenced those tuna fish sandwiches as being the best ones she’d ever had. Say what? She was a new mom and had her baby with her at the time. She was probably desperate for someone to care for her for a few moments and maybe that came in the form of my preparing a simple lunch, which she never forgot. I doubt it was just because of the sandwiches. 

I enjoy sifting through the recipe box of my food memories. Sometimes when I’m searching for a soothing thought to put me in a state of calm, I’ll think about something wonderful that I’ve eaten with a person whom I love. Often, we’re outdoors. A memory comes of pausing for a break on a hike in Ireland with new found friends, eating a sandwich and an apple, leaning against a fence and looking out at a wet, green field speckled with sheep. Or enjoying pizza and a cold beer on a sunny hilltop in Belgrade at a cafe on the edge of the forest. A giant swing on the property served to entertain our children while my husband and I grabbed a few moments of peace. Once, my family and I were staying the night at a simple hut during a trek in Ethiopia. We sat on the roof of the hut and watched as baboons scrambled toward their caves on the slope of a cliff, and we held hot tea and bread given to us as a sign of welcome by our hosts. Clasping that tea, we knew we would be taken care of during the night in that foreign spot. 

A chocolate eclair always reminds me of my father. I can hear him saying, “Oh boy,” smiling and looking down at the pastry display inside the food hall at Harrods of London, wide-eyed like a kid again in New York City. He bought us both a picnic that day and we enjoyed it in St. James Park. A few years later he was left five thousand dollars in the will of an uncle and used that to send me to cooking school in New York. He wanted me to have a skill and set me up for life. I learned many skills at cooking school, but none as valuable as the ones I learned in my parents’ kitchen. Love and food are intermingled. There was hardly a joyful, happy occasion in our home growing up without it involving something delicious. The memories I have of the food enhance the memories of my father’s laugh, my mother’s smile, my older siblings arriving for the holidays and the love that we all shared.     

My mother delighted in simple, good things. When I was a teen I remember her sneaking up to her bedroom for a little solitude, a glass of brandy and a little dish of peanuts in hand, a book tucked under her arm. She’d say she was going upstairs to have her party before bed. On weekend mornings she’d make pancakes. She had a knack for turning the ordinary into something special. She would make a pancake shaped out of the first letter of our name, large and covering the whole plate and recognizable as my very own. Neighborhood kids would wait by the backdoor for their pancake, too. An L for Lenny, a J for Jimmy. I’ve stored away hundreds of food memories of my mother, and I pull them up often. Her cheesecake, her smile, her sly grin when she sneaks another piece. 

Before my sister, Raissa, died a year ago, I flew out to stay with her in her home. It was the last weekend that I ever stayed in her house, the house that was a foundation for me—for all of our family—for so many years. This was the last weekend that I would ever see her home as it was, her home crowded with the beloved artifacts of her life. And beloved to us, too. We all knew every nook and cranny of that home so well. The family photos, the hundreds of books that lined the shelves, the afghans and dishes and vases and fireplace mantel and coffee mugs. I cried openly and loudly the night before I left, knowing that this would be the last time I would be in this space that was my second home. “My home is your home,” my sister always said to me. But the house would be sold and I would never have this as my second home again, and the next time I visited this town, my sister would be gone. I looked around feeling the shock, like a rug was being pulled out from under me, but it wasn’t just a rug. It was every precious thing in sight.  

One morning during my last weekend with her she was sitting up in her chair reading her newspaper, as she did every day, and I asked her if she wanted some breakfast. She had hardly been eating, so I didn’t expect her to say yes, but she put the paper down in her lap and looked up at me and smiled and said yes. Feeling hungry made her look so healthy. So I went into her kitchen and made her toast and scrambled eggs, simple comfort food. Our father was the Scrambled Eggs King. He cooked them slow and steady, all throughout our growing up. It was his specialty, we all knew. So I made them the way Daddy made them, no recipe needed for the dashes of good humor and love. She ate them with such pleasure, like she had not eaten in a long time, smiling up at me in thanks. I was feeding her, like she had fed me for years and years. We fed each other. I know I added joy to her life—she told me how much she loved me every time we were together—and she was my personal cheerleader, cheering for me every single step of every single way. I will live the rest of my days with the gifts she gave, and the memory that I made her comfort food before her own long journey home.  

[catthecoder]

tag game - get to know me

tagged by the awesome @orangenfrottee - thank you, i haven’t done one of these in ages and these questions sound like so much fun! 💕

1. what is the color of your hairbrush? it’s grey on the back with black handle

2. name a food you never eat - hmm, i used to be such a picky eater but i recently slowly started eating a lot of food i used to despise... if you asked me a few months ago, i could write up a rather long list, but right now? the only thing that comes to mind are picked cucumbers 😬

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? too cold, 100%. somehow, my body stays cold even when it is like 30 degrees, which is hella weird.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? eating lunch! i made bagels with ricotta, ham, cheese, egg and avocado and i had a couple of baby cucumbers along with it (mind you, not pickled ones) and it was super delicious.

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? i think twix is my favourite? or perhaps this slovak bar called ‘horalky’, which is basically wafers with peanut filling and sides dipped in chocolate... god, now i want one so desperately.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? i used to watch hockey a lot and i’ve been to a couple of games.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?  huh, i think it was my order when i went for coffee a couple of hours ago? (i got a latte and a piece of apple crumble cake, in case anybody’s wondering)

8. what is your favorite ice cream? i could eat ben&jerry every day, so it’s probably their ‘half baked’ or ‘phish food’. also, i’d die for a good mango sorbet.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? plain old water

10. do you like your wallet? i like how small and practical it is..... i’m trying to recall the last time i actually took it out of my backpack and i’m coming very short.

11. what is the last thing you ate? the bagels from question 4!

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i bought a pair of new masks last thursday and they arrived on monday - does that count?

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? haha, does the bake off count as a sporting event? if not, i think it would be some skiing competitions (slalom) last winter - my parents follow them rather closely and it kind of rubs off on me when i’m home with them.

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? salty mixed with sweet!

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? my boyfriend.

16. ever been camping? does setting up a tent in friend’s backyard and sleeping there count? if so, then yes.

17. do you take vitamins? not really... i sometimes take c during autumn for immunity, but i haven’t bought any this year so far... oh, i am taking probiotics right now, though i’m not sure whether that counts as vitamins.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? no.

19. do you have a tan? no, if i try to tan, i just turn pink (or red). though i’m pretty sure my skin is marginally lighter underneath where i wear my watch.

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza?  if going out, pizza; if i’m cooking, chinese.

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? if there’s ice in it, then yes; otherwise, i tend to skip the straw. 

22. what color socks do you usually wear? black or white.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? gonna be honest and say yes. not by crazy amounts or anything like that, but if i know the road and i can see quite far around and ahead, i will go 10ish% above the limit easily. not gonna lie, it’s especially easy on highways (though i nearly got fined last time i drove, so who knows how i’ll feel about it the next i’ll sit behind the wheel) 

24. what terrifies you? haha, like i’m going to share that.

25. look to your left, what do you see?  a shelf with alcohol bottles, glasses that don’t fit into our kitchen cabinet, an assortment of cameras and other photography equipment and a scanner. oh, and a window.

26. what chore do you hate most? taking out our organic waste bin - it starts smelling very bad very quickly plus the bin for it downstairs hadn’t been taken out in a very long time and it’s always covered by fruit flies and smells veeeery bad and i’m feeling yucky just thinking about it.

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? i think - hah, that person is australian, how cool.

28. what’s your favorite soda? i love san pellegrino. limonata is my go to, but i recently had lemon & mint and my god, that one is amazing.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? i go in, even if i drove there - i don’t like eating in my car.

30. what’s your favorite number? i’ve always had a special connection to number three, so let’s go with that.

31. who’s the last person you talked to? depends on what you mean by talked to - actually spoke to, with my voice? the bartender at my favourite coffee shop. had a meaningful conversation? probably with a customer service employee who’s helping me resolve an issue. just chatted to, without much of a point? my boyfriend.

32. favorite meat? hmm, probably ham?

33. last song you listened to? i’m currently listening to ‘cigarette daydreams’ by ‘cage the elephant’, though that’s going to change in a minute and half.

34. last book you read? ‘renegades’ by marissa meyer! it was so. good! i started the second book, ‘archnemesis’ yesterday and i’m even more in love. 100% recommend if you’re into superhero stories with secret identities and enemies-to-friends(-to-lovers). such an amazing series.

35. favorite day of the week? what even are days?

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? only crazy people can.

37. how do you like your coffee? oat latte with a bit of honey.

38. favorite pair of shoes? i own way too many shoes to be able to pick a single favourite pair.

39. time you normally get up? between 8:30 and 9:00.

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? none. there is one on the couch though.

42. describe your kitchen plates? we found this kitchen set in tesco after eating from paper plates for at least a week after moving in - there are four bowls, four small plates and four big plates (a year layer, we found two extra big bowls matching our set) - the bowls are grey from outside and white on the inside; the small plates are grey on the top and white on the bottom and the big plates are white on top and grey on bottom.

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: very small - a third of it is a stove (with two heating pads? circles? whatever), another third is a sink and the last third is workspace with a small shelf for spices, cutlery etc, and a cutting board and knives stand. most of the workspace is taken up by a cutting board i used to cut avocado and cucumbers for lunch and there is a tiny pan (and i mean really tiny, like one egg sized) leftover on the stove. i’m probably going to do the dishes after i finish answering these.

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i’m not that picky, i’ll drink almost anything. i think i prefer fruity drinks though - i really like french martini or sex on the beach.

45. do you play cards? we used to play cards a lot with my parents and sister (and grandparents as well) - i love playing canasta, but you need four people for that, so i haven’t actually played in months... we also played a lot of joker and i taught my boyfriend to play this summer (not that he didn’t know how to play, he just wasn’t particularly good)... and we also play poker with a couple of our friends here from time to time

46. what color is your car? this is going to sound so bad, but i am actual not sure? we ended up finding quite a good deal on a car we wanted to get after uni, so we bought it - however, it is back in slovakia and both me and my boyfriend are stuck in uk right now. it’s either black or very dark blue, but for the love of my life, i can’t remember and the photos i found weren’t helpful at. all. (if it weren’t for covid, i’d be able to answer this question a lot better). oh, and the car i had before (my mom’s old car) is red.

47. can you change a tire? i like to think i’d be able to (after enough googling and youtube videos), but if there was somebody else with me, i’d gladly let them do it.

48. your favorite state or province? like in usa or what? i guess new york.

49. favorite job you’ve had? i don’t think i’ve particularly enjoyed any of the jobs i had so far - if i had to pick, i’d say working in an ice-cream shop, because if there is one thing that could make work during a very hot summer even slightly bearable, it’s the fact that every so often, you can nibble on a bit of an ice-cream.

i’m tagging @stonerbughead @strangenightsofdaydreams and @i-know-you-can - i know there is like 50 questions and that’s a lot, but they were actually a lot of fun? 

[hackink]

Step Dad

A short story

I hear thrashing and screaming, I yearned for it to end, never did. That quite sucks not gonna lie.

I'm the big one, it's like I'm the chosen one in my family, could be both good or bad. I've got to take care of my siblings, like all the time. The big responsibilities always point in my direction. It's not all bad, I do have my fair share of fun. But for that same reason, I must set a good example. I can't really act the way I wanna most of the time, usually I've make-up on my face, covering the skin before it. It's kinda complicated.

This one time, my parents came into my room, they introduced me to someone, he was a tall white man, and was fairly well clothed. He was wearing these really nice shoes, and had a suit on that looked like it cost buck. I shook his big hand, it felt soft, and a bit warming. We talked for about 30 minutes, he was a fairly nice person, and my parents seemed to like him as well.

After that time was over, my dad went to the room, and grabbed some suitcases out from the closet, as he rolled them by, I felt my heart drop. They explained everything.

Quickly, I put my make-up on, before it was too late, it was. Once I saw my little brother and sister hugging the leg of my dad, begging him to stay, I washed it off naturally. 'Who is he to take the place of my dad?' This thought lingered in my head that night, I took some sleeping pills.

I avoided the man, I didn't want to talk to him, if I saw my mother close to him, I'd turn my head, cause I know how violent I can get. There was this one time, where I walked into the kitchen to get a snack, was playing Minecraft with my siblings, and there I saw the two, hugging and kissing. I, at that moment, remembered how my dad taught me to drive, how he taught me to build a nice dog house for our pet dog, which had died upon my dad's exit. I remembered every single second I spent with my father, the amazing role model he was, and snapped.

Back in the 8th grade, one of my good friends was playing bloody knuckles with someone. He totaled him. He then turned to me, and held his fist up, I didn't last two punches. He told me to start punching the walls at home, bit by bit, so that it wouldn't hurt and my fists would become stronger. In two months' time, my knuckles along with my punches, had become stronger than most boys in my school. I beat my friend, the only time I did too, cause he trained after that as well, and became much better than me. Though, I did beat just about anyone in school at bloody knuckles.

I clenched my fist, and I dropped my phone. This man was innocent, I just hated the fact that he wanted to replace the man who could never be replaced, ever. I felt like letting him know. I had never punched anything as hard as I could, since it'd probably be the end of my fist, but boy do I gotta say his cheek was soft. He fell to the ground and hit the stove with his head, my mom started to scream and push me back, each little shove she gave me, let me know how much she liked this man. They all hurt. I hadn't seen her do that with my dad in the past year, and he gets to do it in the first week? I couldn't settle with that, I ran out the house, and went to my grandma's house, where I began punching the tree in order to not break down in tears.

She gave me some hot cocoa, and let me spend the night there. She felt like she always had, like my grandma, so I felt comfortable, silently I sobbed. The next morning I got up and took a shower, my hands had a bunch of wounds in them from punching the tree bare fisted, and they really hurt to clean. They were also shaking, 'maybe I cracked a bone or something?' I didn't really care, my adrenaline wasn't going down anytime soon.

I was taking a jog outside around the house to clear my mind, when I see a tall man, with some really nice shoes, and a bruise on his cheek come by. 'Your mother sent me to get you.' I ignored him, for his sake. He sat down in a chair, and patted next to him, signaling for me to take a seat. I was thinking it was a bad pun, was he here to mock me? His face was so infuriating, the fact that it wasn't six feet under was pissing me off. On my next lap around the house, I kicked his chair over, his suit looked expensive. He smiled and chuckled, 'kids these days are quite funny.' Why? He must be a psycho, my reaction would be to get mad, or confused at least!

He began to jog alongside me, this man was starting to tick me off big time. I stopped running, grabbed his tie, and said 'Get out, and I mean out, you lay another finger on my mom and I'll kill you!' I tripped him, and continued my jog. I'd feel guilty, but I can't for someone who got my father kicked out of the house, nobody deserves to live after screwing with my family.

I returned home later that day, still a tad hesitant because of the incidents the day prior. My mom asked me to help her cook, she was making shrimp. She gave me the basic rundown of what she had going, and started cutting vegetables off to the side, we started talking about the usual, how much I annoyed her, and how my siblings were idiots. I hear the door open, and I get ready for disappointment, 'Hello everybody!!' it's a... playful voice?

'Where's my food you peasants?' My eyes lighten up, followed by tears. I rush over to hug my dad, started to sob in his arms. He had a black bag, that had chips in it, he always brought chips back home from time to time. He lied it down on the table, and not long after, my siblings came running and crying. 'Dad why did you leave!?' My little brother cried as he hugged him, my sister on the other side. I felt a sense of family, something I haven't felt in a long time. Through the open door walked a other entity, the tall man. I then snapped back into life, and became a bit sad that I wasn't seeing my dad every day, or that he wasn't showing me something. I didn't feed him, I let him eat a microwaved frozen food, I could not give a damn about his existence. Well, that's a lie, I'd prefer if he was gone.

A couple weeks went by, I was kinda getting used to ignoring the tall man in my house. One good thing is that I never saw him getting intimate with my mom. Could've been good or bad, cause I couldn't punch him, bummer. He was always at work, your typical nine to five corporate slave. So when he was gone, I'd spend time normally with my family. I video chatted my dad every day or two, and just talked about life, sometimes he'd show me how to wood work via video chat. I could live with this.

One day, he came back with a few boxes in his hands, and a letter, or at least that's what it looked like. He opened the boxes in front of my sister and brother, as well as my mom and I. Inside the link box, there was a super high quality drawling tablet, the exact one that my sister always wanted, and cracked jokes about. She took it and ran to her room to use it. In the blue box, there was this laptop, one that my little brother was talking about gettjng for ages, and wouldn't shut up about how good it was. He said thank you and ran to his room to use it. I was pissed, he was trying to buy us into liking him, and it was seeming to be quite effective. He opened a my box, it was keys to a car, specifically the car I always told my dad I was going to get when I got money, and got us out of this house, into a nice house. He always said he was gonna buy it for me, I felt conflicted.

'I know we've had our ups and downs, but I really do want to get along with you as my child, or maybe even just a friend.' I saw my mom out of the corner of my eye, she was tearing up, of happiness. I came back to my senses, and went back to my room, slammed the door shut. I knew I had let my mother down, there were like twenty different emotions circulating through me, they were wreaking havoc. I began to punch the walls, I started screaming, it was probably audible from miles away. I felt weird, something I had never felt before. It didn't seem healthy, but I didn't care. This feeling was new to me, I felt like dying over and over, but even then, that might've not been enough to suppress the pain. I remember thinking to myself, 'I'm gonna kill him, he will die!'

That night, I asked him to come talk to me outside. He looked excited. We went outside, and I took him to the back of the house. I had an itch on my lower back. 'So, what's up?' I didn't reply. 'You're uh, quite the mysterious one aren't you?' He chuckled a bit to himself, I didn't move a muscle. He began to talk about what he had for the future, how he was gonna move us out in like a month, and buy us everything we wanted. 'That's what my dad's gonna do.' I mumbled quietly. 'I beg your pardon?' He replied. I couldn't take it anymore. 'My dad's gonna buy us a house, he's gonna move us out!' I pulled out the pocket knife from the back of my pants and stabbed him in the chest.

His blood came rushing out shortly, I began to scream and cry, 'You will never be my dad!' I stabbed him time and time again, he didn't move after a while. My dad walked up behind me and patted me on the back, along with my mother, sister, and little brother. We spit on him together, and we started to chant, it was a happy chant. We danced around his corpse. I started to sweat intensely, my family began to fade away, still chanting, it turned louder and louder. They began to float away, I dropped to my knees, and the tall man was laughing at me, he pointed and laughed. I started to laugh, with tears running down my face, I took the knife and pointed it at me, that's when I heard the voice. 'Wake up! Jesus Christ you've been sleeping all morning!'

My mom woke me up, I got up and went to the table. I got a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and began to eat. My mom walked outside and began to talk to my aunt, 'So, I was able to get this puppy sold for about $150!' I overheard some of their conversation, I wanted a puppy. My dad walked in with a bag, 'Hello my dear children! I am awesome for I have brought the goodies!' I look inside the bag, and tell him that he forgot my hot chips. He quickly runs outside. I take the bag over to my sister and brother, where they get their bag of chips, and start munching away. Once I finish my cereal, I get ready for school. I brush my teeth, and put on a sweater. My mom passes by me on the phone with her sister, talking about something, I couldn't quite catch it. As I open the door, I see my dad chasing after my baby sister, who's face is covered in mud, and laughing away. 'I'm gonna brush your hair so hard!' He yells at her, I giggle to myself. My aunt is outside my house, playing jump rope with my cousin. I wonder who's winning. My sister walks past me, and looks at me. 'Another bad dream?' she asks. 'Yea, this one was hectic.'

[x-avantgarde-x]

Let him go (part 2).

Couple: Tommy Shelby x reader.

Warnings: swearing.

__________________________

-So, is she mine?- you heard Tommy ask you. Pain coaxed both his voice and his features, and his, oh! so tired gaze was fixed over you burning with an intensity quite different from the one of just some minutes ago.

But you were paying no mind to him.

You seemed more interested in the room, which was beautifully decorated, than on whatever bullshit Thomas had to say. The furniture, made of mahogany, the enormous library and the breathtaking landscape that you could see throughout the window had you in awe. You caressed the chair you were sat at as if it was some kind of precious stone, thought to you it was. Everything on Tommy's house and the house itself was some kind of dream come true to you. And right now, indulging in your fantasies seemed to be a better idea than facing Tommy's anger.

Tommy clenched his jaw and fists tightly at your poor attempt to ignore him. A thousand thoughts were running around his mind, and his heart beat crazily because of all the emotions that he was feeling at that moment, some of them he doubted he could even name, and the last thing he needed was for you to play hard to get with him.

-(Y/N)- he spoke again. His voice was now much lower, scarily lower, his knuckles werenow white from the pressure and his heartbeat on his hears- I'll ask you just once more, and I wait for an answer- as he spoke you slowly turned your head back to him, a calm rather cold expression on your eyes -Is. She. Mine?

Tommy had emphasized each one of those words, if someone tried they would have been able to cut the tension on the room without a problem and maybe, just maybe, it was a good thing that his desk was in between you two because it was probably the only thing stopping you right now from taking the argument to the next level.

-Why would you ask me a question to which you already know the answer, Thomas? Yes, she's yours.

As soon as those words came out of your mouth you saw Tommy fly from his chair to the bar at the room, his hands meeting with a clean glass and a bottle of whiskey, to which he held to with dear life even after filling and chucking down his second glass.

-Why didn't you come back- Tommy barked with a soar voice. You face contracted and you where starting to feel truly pissed at him -I'm her father, (Y/N). I have my fucking rights.

You stood up violently pushing the -expensive- chair, which fell to the floor with a deaf sound. You stormed towards Tommy, holding your hand high as you pointed at him. -You lost every fucking right when you choose Grace over us, Tommy. So don't come here and talk to me about your fucking rights as if anything of this had been easy to me!- you felt old wounds opening up once again with each word you spoke and felt how the tears threatened to start running down your cheeks any moment now. Oh, how you hated Tommy Shelby for being able to have a such a power over you.

After leaving Tommy your life became a fucking hell. When you arrived in America you were completely alone. Your family had never liked yours and Tommy's relationship, so, at first when you told them that you had broken up and that you were now pregnant with his child they turned their backs on you. Your mother was the first one to go back to talking to you both excited about becoming a grandmother and worried about you and the baby, and it was not till you were already 4 months into your pregnancy that she did so, making everyone else slowly warm-up at a new family member that was on its way.

Thought your father would still scoff whenever he heard someone talk about the Peaky Blinders or Tommy Shelby.

Even if you had had a job since you arrived adjusting to a new life was hard, moreover for a pregnant woman. The flat you lived at wasn't glamorous. The first months living there made you feel nothing but miserable and you dreaded the moment of coming back home. It wasn't as if you came from living a luxurious life but the 50m² flat was suffocating you. You hated to spend time in the so-called living room, whose lack of space only allowed you to had a sofa, a wooden chair and a small table. The poor attempt of a kitchen made you miss so dearly the one back at Small Heath, where you used to spend so many hours sitting there with Polly and the girls, and now there's was hardly space for you to fit in. The bathroom was inhuman, it almost gave you a heart attack once you walked inside. The tiles were up, the shower tray was broken and the pipes leaked. Fixing it was almost more expensive than the flat itself. And for lats but not least the bedrooms.

There were two tiny bedrooms at that flat, one of them you hadn't even walked inside at the beginning. It was meant to be the nursery room but whenever you had attempted to open its door you heart had clenched and fallen to your stomach, pity washing over you.

Your room was no different. You believed that by now you would already be used to sleeping alone, but you were taught different the first night that you had to sleep in a bed that completely lacked Tommy's scent.

It took you quite a long time to make yourself comfortable there and even more for you to see it as your home.

Then came your work. Dealing with morning sickness as you tried to attend a customer at 8 a.m. was something you wished upon no one. Eventually, your boss decided to assign you another job in the economics department that you could work at from your house.

How many nights did you cry over your misery on Stephanie's shoulder.

Dear Stephanie, she had been your guardian angel at that hell and how much you loved her for that. When you arrived she had just been the kind-hearted and talkative girl who worked at the coffee shop at your street, who always asked you how your week had been when you passed by and eventually became the only true friend you had had in your whole life. She was the one that helped you to pay rent when it became way too much for you alone, the one that always accompanied you to the doctor's appointments, the shoulder over which you had cried yourself to sleep about everything and anything at the same time.

For God's sake! She was even the one holding your hand while you were giving fucking birth.

And, dear lord forgave you for this, the day you gave birth to your beloved Rose was without a doubt the worst day of your life.

You had been told by every doctor that had visited you how hard you should expect your labour to be, but the reality was so much worst. The main thing you could remember of it was pain. A pain that had evolved your whole being and that had lasted for about 14 hours. You could remember the hot tears that fell from your eyes throughout the whole process and the cries that filled the room long before your dear daughter had even been born. All your memories from that night were tinted in a reddish colour and it all brought back to you a faint smell of concentrated blood.

Yeah, the start of your life at America had been nothing but a living nightmare and you believed that if it hadn't been for people like Stephanie and for your baby you wouldn't have been able to keep going. And eventually, you took hold of your life once more. All that you went through those first months made you stronger than you had ever been. You no longer needed Tommy nor anyone by your side for your life not to crumble. You were now an independent woman who could take perfect care of yourself and your daughter, and who could hold the world over her shoulders.

It had been almost three years since Tommy and the life you had left behind in Birmingham had wandered around your mind. You no longer thought about coming back and you would have never had... If it hadn't been to attend your dear father's funeral.

It was meant to be nothing but a short visit. You and Stephanie had spent many hours getting everything ready. You took a ship on Tuesday at noon and to get to London on Thursday evening. Early on Friday, you and Rosie were getting off the train at Birmingham station and started the walk to your parents' house where your mom received you two with open arms and a pained expression on her face, you believed that she was being incredibly strong for having just lost the love of her life. Due to the funeral being on Saturday's evening you had spent the whole Friday walking Rosie around Small Heath, trying to keep here's far as possible from the gloomy spirit that had taken over your house.

Your three years old girl seemed fascinated with everything at the town and each of the stories you told her as the day passed by and the day of the funeral got closer. That night you slept once more on your childhood bedroom with your princess bye your side, battling to keep all the memories and emotions that being back at Small Heath brought to you out of your head.

Saturday day came and everyone at your families got dressed and ready to say your last goodbyes to your beloved dad. You, your mother and your sisters cried as if there was no tomorrow. Even Rosie and all her cousins cried at their now gone papa. Your brother was the only one who kept himself from crying, playing the tough man role that his father had taught him to be in order to make him proud wherever he now was. You gave your speeches, threw flowers at his grave and got ready to leave by the time that the church bells started to sound. You picked up Rosie from the ground and walked with her on your arms back to the house. Tomorrow you'll spend the whole day with your family, remembering old memories, cooking and eating together as you had always done when you were younger.

And by Monday’s early morning you and your baby girl would be on your way back to America. Without having seen a Peaky Blinder throughout your stay nor having had to face Tommy nor any Shelby. What you did not know was that the Saturday, while the funeral took place, Polly Shelby had spotted you between the people standing there and that later that day she had driven to her nephew's house on the outskirts of Birmingham and told him you were back I town.

That's how on Sunday's morning, while you where waiting your turn in the queue to deliver your ticket to the reviewer and get on the train, Rosie fast asleep on your arms and a heavy suitcase on your left hand, you found yourself being lead to a car by two tall men wearing those unmistakable caps and long coats. They sat you at the back of the car, without allowing you to put any resistance as they told you to get comfortable on your way to Thomas Shelby.

And now you found yourself facing your ex-lover and about to start throwing things to each other in no time.

[sockparade]

tips for surviving the pandemic: things i learned from my immigrant parents

It’s hard to believe that it’s only been a little over a week since the WHO announced that the coronavirus (COVID-19) was officially a pandemic. This has been a long, challenging week for a lot of people and it is nothing short of terrifying to read reports of what is happening in Asia and Europe as many predict that we’ll likely endure a similar fate here in the United States. In the midst of all of this chaos and uncertainty, I’ve been reminded of so many lessons that my Taiwanese immigrant parents taught me. I’m sharing them here so that others might also benefit. Thanks Ma. Thanks Daddy.

你昨天已經出去了.

“You already went out yesterday.“

1. Learn how to stay home. Our family is eight days into self-isolating at home and Tony asked me this morning if I had cabin fever. And strangely, the answer is no. I’m not. Not to downplay the difficulty of this moment but my experience with this “shelter-in-place” ordinance reminds of pretty much all my summers between kindergarten and 8th grade. Both of my parents worked full-time so summer was just three blissful months of nothing. No structure, no plans, no camps, no playdates, and no responsibilities. My parents never made me feel like I was missing a thing by staying home and I don’t remember ever feeling bored. There were always library books to read, stories to write, and thoughts to journal. Hours were spent playing school with my big sister (now a first grade teacher!), making up random games like who can avoid touching the carpet longest, learning Kim Zmeskal’s latest gymnastics floor routine, writing lyrics to Kenny G saxophone solos, and rehearsing for our variety show that we would perform to our tired parents at the end of the day. And that’s not even including the hours we spent watching The Price is Right, CHIPS, Knight Rider, and Airwolf (yep, no cable).   

As a teenager I carefully plotted all my hangouts with friends so that I didn’t have too many consecutive days when I was out of the house. Whenever I asked my parents if I could hang out with friends, they would always say, “But you already went out yesterday. What’s wrong with staying home? Why do you always have to go out?” It was as if having too much fun two days in a row was off limits. If there was a big party on Friday, I would purposely make sure I stayed home Wednesday and Thursday just to increase the chances of being able to go out on Friday. I know a lot of people talk about how awful their high school years were but I was one of those lucky kids who had a really great group of friends that made me feel seen, loved, and cared for. The downside was that I couldn’t get enough of it. I was always thinking about the next hangout, the next event, the next thing. It took me all the way until my late twenties to fully appreciate the fine art of staying home and to finish my unexpected transformation into the expert homebody that I am today. 

I’m reminded of that old quote by Blaise Pascal, “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." 

It’s great to be out and about, but it’s also really important to learn how to stay home.  

______________________________________________

晚上要吃什麼？清冰箱.

“What are we eating for dinner?” “Cleaning the fridge.”

2. Be creative with what you have. I love food. Not in a foodie sense, but I get a lot of pleasure out of eating. I’m not a food snob by any stretch of the imagination. I thoroughly enjoy a Stouffer’s frozen lasagna or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as much as I enjoy a fancy, inventive, Michelin-starred meal at Commis. What’s hard for me is when food is eaten as sustenance rather than with delight. But my parents taught me that you can always take pride in preparing a meal. No matter your ingredients.

My mom is an excellent cook. I know a lot of people think their mom is a good cook but my mom is legitimately skilled in the kitchen. There were some nights when I’d ask what was for dinner and my mom would just reply, “Cleaning the fridge.” 

Now for some, this might sound terrifying. But my mom could honestly make something out of nothing. I still crave my dad’s simple egg and garlic fried rice. My parents raised me to be able to make an tasty meal just from rummaging in the pantry and fridge for random leftover things. There were plenty of summers where lunches and snacks were an individual culinary adventure for each of us kids. I still remember the day I witnessed my baby sister add a Kraft single on top of her onion ramen noodles. She saw my confusion, shrugged and said, “You should try it, it’s good.” 

With all the hoarding folks have been doing during this pandemic, I’ve found myself feeling quite anxious. Trying to calculate if we have enough food. Estimating how many more meals we can eat at home before we need to make another grocery run. As someone who struggles with a scarcity mentality it has been hard not to panic. But then I keep reminding myself that I know how to make good food using just whatever’s available. 

You know, I was pretty disappointed with Mary H.K. Choi’s second novel, Permanent Record, given how much I enjoyed her debut novel, Emergency Contact. But I was absolutely thrilled with the shine she gave to what her protagonist calls “Hot Snacks”.

Here’s an excerpt from Permanent Record that is a beautiful ode to creative food mashups and immigrant kids everywhere: 

“I edit and post a Shin Ramyun Black video set to music. My favorite instant noodles with three flavor packets and so much garlic. It’s a classic Korean HotSnack, especially when you throw in cut-up hot dogs, frozen dumplings, extra kimchi - and this is where the artistry comes in- eggs, cheese, corn from a can, and a drizzle of sesame oil on top. And furikake if you’re feeling wealthy. The next night I put up a bacon, egg, and cheese not in a bagel but in a glazed honey bun. Laced with sriracha and pan fried on the outside. Then it’s chilaquiles with Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and chorizo. Jamaican beef patty casserole disrespected with a smothering of Japanese curry and broiled. With Crystal Hot Sauce over the top and pickled banana peppers. I’m trolling with that one but the controversy is berserk. When I run out of old videos, I make saag paneer naanchos with Trader Joe’s frozen Indian food, and it’s a hit. Especially when I add yogurt and a thick layer of crushed-up Takis on top.”

______________________________________________

看連續劇.

“Watch soap operas.” 

3. Find a way to escape. I’m generally pro technology but I’ll admit I’m a little bummed at the way iPhones and iPads have made TV viewing such an individual activity. I like how Disney+ has gotten some families back to watching TV together again. Although I will say, we really coddle our kids these days. I grew up in a time when movie ratings only applied in the theaters and we watched movies with our families like Alien, The Fly, and Gremlins. We were scared out of our minds and sometimes could only watch through the cracks between our fingers covering our eyes because it was so scary. Okay, this also might be why I can’t watch horror movies as an adult. 

From a young age, my parents taught me that watching other people’s drama unfold on screen is one of the best way to escape your own drama. Some people say binge watching became a thing when the TV networks started releasing shows on DVD. Others give credit to Netflix releasing their original content a whole season at a time. But truth be told, I first learned how to binge watch from my parents. 

We would rent 30-40 VHS cassette tapes from that random spot in Bellaire Chinatown. Can you picture it? You needed multiple plastic bags to transport that many VHS tapes. 

Do you remember the one about the dying mother who needed to find homes for each of her 7 children? I don’t think it’s normal for a 10 year old to cry so much but you better believe it’s made me learn the true value of a soap opera escape hatch. 

Are you in a pandemic? Now’s the perfect time to pick up that YA novel, binge that reality show, start that kdrama, or rewatch all six seasons of The Sopranos again.

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下個禮拜會下雨.

“It’s going to rain next week.”

4. Be informed about what’s ahead. If you ask either of my parents about the weather at any given time they can reliably tell you the daily percent chance of precipitation and humidity for at least seven days out. They’ve always been this way. They would inform me of the weather at various points throughout the week. They planned their yard work and car washes around the weather forecast. There’s something about the way the weather forecast is available to everyone. And it feels like it’s just a matter of making the small extra effort to access it and gain a slight advantage. I feel like so much of the immigrant mentality is to be diligent in making the right choices to not screw yourself over and seizing opportunities whenever you can. And it wasn’t just weather but this is such an obvious example of it. 

I remember my dad saying to me once, "Can you imagine if someone decided to read every book in their local library? If they just went shelf by shelf and systematically read all the books? You could do it, you know. It’s free, it doesn’t cost any money to check out a book from the library. But no one really does it.” 

I think immigrant parents get a bad reputation for forwarding chain letters and health/science hoaxes they get on email, WeChat and Line. And in a pandemic, yes, they are definitely susceptible to misinformation, rumors and flat out untruths. But the thought behind it seems right. 

The mistrust of government leadership is actually quite relevant right now in this pandemic. Many immigrants left countries with governments that were overtly corrupt, oppressive, and used propaganda to influence its citizens. And while many Americans still take pride in living in a country that verbally champions freedom and democracy, the truth is that our government has already failed us and lied to us in many ways. During this pandemic, we cannot wait on leaders to tell us what to do. We must be diligent in reading for ourselves, seeking experts, using our critical thinking skills, and making preparations accordingly.

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會不會冷?

“Are you cold?” 

5. Check in with yourself. Check in with others. I have so many memories of my parents walking through the living room and asking me and my sisters if we were cold. It felt like they couldn’t walk past the thermostat without asking us if they needed to raise it or lower it. As if they couldn’t hear us sneeze and wonder if they needed to turn off the ceiling fan. They couldn’t see us sitting in a dim room without turning on a light for us. There are so many times I fell asleep reading on the couch and woke up with a blanket over me. Or sometimes I was fully awake doing something random, like playing Egyptian Rat Screw with my sisters (a cardgame for the uninitiated), and my mom would walk by and wordlessly drop a warm, heavy blanket over my shoulders. That’s care, y’all. Consistent, immediate action, and often without words.  

The tip here is to pay attention to your discomfort during a pandemic. There’s this immigrant stereotype of stoicism and that’s true to some degree but maybe the resilience is made possible not because of unnatural toughness but largely because immigrant parents can also be so incredibly perceptive and tender in some very tangible ways. 

When everything is chaotic around you and you’re busy multitasking these next few months, don’t ignore your needs. Notice how you’re feeling. Physically and emotionally. Where are you carrying your stress and tension in your body? You don’t have to tough it out. Oh and remember to check in with your people on how they’re feeling. Is there a light switch you can turn on for someone? 

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笑死人.

“Laugh to death.” 

6. Laugh to survive. Look, we didn’t have the perfect family or anything like that. We’ve definitely had our share of difficult times, financial stress, health issues, arguments, and pain. But my parents also really knew how to laugh and taught us to laugh with abandon. Like, bent over, tears running out of your eyes, can’t breathe kind of laughing. Our dinner table was kind of like a writer’s room. It was difficult to tell a mediocre story. You had better come prepared with a punchline or a point. It was a tough crowd, every night. On many occasions I stopped myself halfway through a story upon the self-realization that there was no real way to land the plane. Polite laughs were nowhere to be found, except perhaps a charitable smile from my baby sister. But it didn’t stop us from trying. I think my sisters and I are all probably better storytellers for it and we definitely have learned to try to bring humor into difficult times.  

I know that this pandemic is so incredibly dark and depressing that it can sometimes feel disrespectful, inappropriate, or childish to laugh at anything. But my parents taught me that you laugh to survive. Nothing is ever so dark that you can’t find a reason to laugh. And sometimes you really need to find something to laugh about.

I’ve been taking long breaks each day from major media news outlets but I have been finding such joy and laughter from the meme creators on IG and the comedic geniuses on Twitter. In Taiwanese when something’s really funny, people will say a phrase that is imperfectly translated as laugh to death. Like you killed a person it was so funny. Now’s the time to find that content or those people who will get you to laugh to death. 

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我要去挪車.

“I’m going to go re-park the cars.” 

7. Go to bed with a plan for the next morning. I grew up in a suburb of Houston, Texas where one property developer built the entire neighborhood and used the same eight or nine floor plans for all the houses but changed up the brick and trim color to keep things interesting. Most homes have a long driveway that connects a garage set near the backdoor of a home to the street. By the time I was driving, we had four cars in total -- two in the garage and two on the driveway. At the end of the day when everyone was home for the night and my dad was getting ready to go to bed, he’d announce, “I’m going to go re-park the cars.” Then we’d all kind of stop what we were doing and rearrange the order of the cars to match our morning departure schedules. This meant figuring out who was leaving when in the morning and sometimes also prompted brief check-in conversations about any changes in our usual routine. 

In a pandemic it can sometimes feel like there are a million different things to attend to and large conceptual concerns that demand your attention. But there’s something calming and centering about spending a few minutes each night thinking through specifically what needs to happen just tomorrow. Not the day after or next week. Get super tactical and specific about what tomorrow morning looks like. Check-in with your partner about any aberrations to your schedule (e.g. I have a super important conference call at 7am tomorrow) to minimize any unnecessary surprises. There’s something magical about setting up your morning that helps you rest just a little easier at night. 

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星期三我們有禱告會.

“On Wednesdays we have prayer meeting.”

8. Make time for your spirituality. Growing up my parents both had physically demanding jobs. My mom was a seamstress for many years, providing alterations at my aunt and uncle’s dry cleaners. She later worked in an elementary school cafeteria and then eventually became a classroom aide for special needs students. My dad worked at that same dry cleaners for years until he got a job at the post office. He then became a letter carrier, delivering mail on foot. The summer months were especially grueling, carrying a heavy sack of mail in 100 degree, humid weather, and walking until sweat soaked his shirts and blisters formed on his feet. They had every excuse to skip weeknight events. But unless they were sick in bed, I can’t remember a time when they missed their weekly prayer meeting with their friends from church.  

Pandemics have an unsettling way of forcing us to confront our mortality and can trigger a bunch of unresolved shit that has been bubbling underneath the surface. We’ve lost some of our usual coping mechanisms and it can be super hard to quiet the anxieties, fears, and other demons that we usually try to keep under control. This isn’t a lecture about a particular faith or belief system. It’s just a reminder to prioritize your existential questions, your interior life, and your connection to things much bigger than yourself -- whether that’s a community, a yoga practice, a faith group, a tradition, or something else. 

I have a fledgling meditation practice that I’ve been trying to strengthen since last year. When I say fledgling I mean that sometimes I bail before the ten minutes is up and check my phone. Even though I’m not very good at it yet, I can really tell the difference on the days that I make time for it. Our church started hosting its weekly Sunday service online and that’s challenging for me because a church service feels like it’s designed to be so much about the physical rhythm of going to a place, seeing faces of people I love, hearing their voices co-mingling with mine in song and in prayer, and tasting the bread and wine in my mouth. The online service was short, and just for viewing through a zoom conference call, but there was still something meaningful about setting aside that time Sunday morning, asking our wiggly kids to be present, and saying the liturgy out loud knowing that in homes all across the country, other people are doing the same. 

If things are really going to get as bad as some are predicting, we’ll need the spiritual strength to make it to the other side. Those habits are hard to form overnight. My parents taught me that you really have to make the time for your spirituality non-negotiable, so that you won’t abandon it when it’s inconvenient or when you are too tired.    

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沒辦法.

“What choice do we have?” 

9. Rise to the occasion. Whenever my parents are telling old war stories about things they had to do to get to where they are today, inevitably one of us will say, “Man that’s crazy, how did you manage to do it?” And instead of pointing to some super personality trait of theirs or some complex self-help principle, they always say, “We had no choice.” It’s not said in a defeated way, but in a posture of accepting that life can be cruel, unfair, and capricious. And that it’s not helpful to dwell too long on the why’s and how’s. My parents taught me that you can’t stay in despair mode. You eventually have to push yourself into problem solving mode and you do whatever it takes to move forward.  

This coronavirus is so unlike anything we’ve ever experienced in our lifetime. It is so unprecedented for me that my brain is having a hard time processing the reality of what’s happening right now and the rest of my lived experience. I spent the first few days of this week just being overwhelmed, anxious, angry, and irritable. At this point though, I’m in go mode. I’m doing what needs to be done for our family and taking care of business. What choice do we have? I can hear my parents saying it. One day, if we’re lucky, we’ll say it to our kids too. 

[storytell]

@mckiingbiird​ asked

Talk about Twain? ^^

congratulations! i have SO much to say about twain! this is going to provide the longest answer possible out of any muse you could have picked just because twain has so little in canon and i’ve developed him so much. he’s my longest standing muse ever so there is too much about my portrayal to say without somewhat of an organization so i am right now without warning implementing a new feature into these ramble asks known as Sections. so now that i’m a little more coherent. sections.

just so you know by the way i really am not joking when i say this is over 10 paragraphs long. read at your own risk. however long you think this post is i can guarantee you it is longer.

this was for a meme i did but i literally can’t answer any more of these because i’m too ashamed by how little i have for every other muse in comparison to twain.

part I: timeline.

my twain was born just after the end of (or during the final days of) the war everyone’s always talking about in canon, and it genuinely didn’t have much of a direct impact on his life. he has six siblings (five older, one younger), and of those six there were three siblings he was closest with: orion, henry, and pleasant. orion and henry were the two oldest, and given that their dad was terribly abusive and their mom was, in twain’s own words, a coward, they did most of the work to provide for the family. although twain always thought orion and henry were mean, because they always played tricks on him. pleasant was twain’s confidant; she was the older sister he could go to if he needed something to cry about.

growing up, twain was always a troublemaking kid, and there were only so many schools in or around their town that he could get expelled from before there weren’t really many options left. in the summer before he was scheduled to go to his last year of middle school, this--among a variety of things such as the abuse of his father and a general feeling of wanting to run away--caused him to formulate a plan where he would run from home, which he did shortly before school started at the age of 13. i know i have the age he ran away listed as 14, but he tends to lie and say he actually ran away a year later.

he traveled for around a year on his own, meeting a lot of different people from a lot of walks of life, before meeting a man he would come to refer to as “uncle”, possibly under the instruction of that man. i should note that my personal hc for the identity of “uncle” is natsume souseki, but this doesn’t really have any bearing on much of anything and i tend to not mention it at all in threads where “uncle” comes up because it’s not the most significant thing. anyway, “uncle” taught him how to do many things to survive on his own, including shooting guns without his ability, making fires, cooking food over an open flame, etc. he was the first real father figure twain ever had, but he and twain eventually parted ways when twain had just turned 17.

twain did a bit of freelance work afterwards--initially he sang and played guitar on the streets for pocket change, but after he killed a man trying to kidnap a girl he didn’t know, something within him clicked: he knew he wouldn’t mind doing something like this for a living, after his initial bout of panic. his career as a freelance hitman was very short-lived, but it got him enough money that for the few hits he did, he was able to stay at nice hotels and do fun things. he never really used any of it, though, too used to not having any money at all and attached to the lifestyle of not having a home to come back to. the first time he ever splurged on himself wasn’t even anything fancy; it was an olive garden.

to the man who sat himself down at the table and bought one of every food item, the place was probably less than nothing. but to twain, so used to being poor and never having enough, it seemed like more than he could have ever asked for. and so, after very little negotiation, began twain’s contract with the guild. at the time, not-yet-eighteen year old twain was the youngest member of the guild’s ranks, but he was definitely not the least talented. he rose quickly through the ranks of the organization, becoming the chief gunman/sharpshooter and a fellowcraft of the guild after just over a year of being employed.

from there, things are probably predictable, given everything that twain is. he makes friends in the guild, begins spending the ludicrous amount of money he’s being paid for his services, and generally does what’s fun for him. he discovers a love for minecraft (more on that later) and rollercoasters, and goes on travels he never would have been able to without the security of the money he’s being paid. then, after a few years of relative normalcy, the guild goes to yokohama, and you know what happens from there.

post-canon is where things begin to get a little bit foggy for me. i do technically HAVE a mainverse idea for what happens to him, but the catch is that i almost never use it. for post-canon stuff, i tend to use one of any number of verses where he’s stayed or been caught up in yokohama, because it’s just a lot easier. but my actual mainverse headcanon unaffected by roleplay relationships i want to have is this: twain goes back to america. he unintentionally gathers a bunch of lost kids and, using his travel money, he provides for them while they all travel. and that’s it. maybe in the future he becomes successful from the tales in his success diary. maybe not. who knows?

part II: traits with basis in canon.

i don’t need to repeat that we see very little of twain, but i just did anyway. because we get very few glimpses of him, there’s not much we know outside of shallow character traits. because it’ll make things easier to talk about, here are the core traits i noticed in twain that i’ve had to build off of, and then different paragraphs talking about how i’ve built off of them.

we rarely see him anything but energetic, but he does have his quiet moments.

he’s very friendly, and tends to invite people out to do fun things with him.

he is very competitive, but NOT a sore loser.

he does things to impress others. notably, one of his canon likes is “praise”.

he’s very self-confident, but not to the point where he thinks it’s impossible to beat him, as demonstrated when he’s not angry about atsushi’s victory.

he’s very flippant about taking a life.

following orders is not his top priority.

we rarely see him anything but energetic, but he does have his quiet moments. a couple of my headcanons have stemmed from this--the first is the most obvious one and that is that twain has ADHD. this didn’t come directly from his energetic attitude and rather from a combination of multiple traits, but it also happened because i was projecting. the other headcanon that’s stemmed from this combination of facts is that twain is smarter and more introspective than most people give him credit for. this has backing in the scene where he shoots at atsushi from the moby dick; instead of shooting at atsushi, he diverts his aim to the oil truck in front of him.

he’s very friendly, and tends to invite people out to do fun things with him. there are a lot of things i can talk about in this regard, but i’ll start here: twain genuinely likes to meet and make friends with new people. despite his occupation, he loves hearing others’ stories and tends to ask them about them. along with this and somewhat in tandem with the introspective part of the first hc, twain also pays a lot more attention to how people act and what they like than everyone tends to think he does. this actually has basis in my dive into the real life author mark twain, as he was notably famous for being able to pick up on people’s mannerisms, accents, and ideologies well enough to flawlessly represent them on paper (he claimed he could “read human character as well as he could read the mississippi river “).

he is very competitive, but NOT a sore loser. from this trait, i’ve sort of developed the idea that it’s very rare for twain to actually get angry, and he tends not to argue with people. he’s very quick to forgive if he knows he was in the wrong and tends to say sorry first after arguments, but at the same time, if he knows he’s right and shouldn’t be the one apologizing, he’ll cling onto that until the day he dies. also, this has spawned the smaller and less significant hc that twain likes to do competitive activities like laser tag or mini golf for fun, especially since you don’t necessarily have to know the people you’re doing those things with.

he does things to impress others. notably, one of his canon likes is “praise”. there’s not really much to say here in terms of how i’ve built on this, but one notable thing is that i attribute this trait to the lack of praise he got from his parents growing up, and how lonely he felt even when he was traveling with “uncle”. he likes when people are impressed by him because he’s impressed by himself, and when he doesn’t get the reaction he expected it puts a little bit of a damper on his confidence. temporarily.

he’s very self-confident, but not to the point where he thinks it’s impossible to beat him, as demonstrated when he’s not angry about atsushi’s victory. speaking of confidence, i actually have a whole journey laid out about twain’s journey with arrogance v. confidence and the overabundance of arrogance to make up for a lack of confidence in his earlier years. when he first ran away, he had a very troubled and hateful mindset, and outwardly portrayed that he believed himself to be the best of the best while really thinking he was terrible and a burden to his family. it was only through meeting so many people and the guidance of “uncle” in his more formative years that he began to develop a genuine sense of self confidence and, by the time he hits 20, everything good he says about himself is genuinely true. this said, he is also very aware of his flaws (for example, he definitely knows he isn’t too smart or careful or focused), but he doesn’t view them as detriments to his character and instead chooses to believe that without his flaws, he wouldn’t be himself.

he’s very flippant about taking a life. this trait actually was what caused me to think about how he took his first life. i’ll walk you a little through the things he felt when he did: he was angry, at first, then terrified, then secretly glad, and then sooner rather than later he genuinely felt nothing about it. as he’d go on to carry out hits for various people and the guild, that feeling of initial panic would become smaller and smaller every time, until the lives of the people he had to kill didn’t really matter to him. that said, it’s important to me that he still values connection and friendship with other people, so he definitely does. i believe these two traits can coexist when done properly; he values the lives of people and the stories they have to tell, but all life ends someday anyway and nothing is lost by the end of that life sooner than it would have ended otherwise.

following orders is not his top priority. this is, i think, where i get the idea that twain is a free spirit. it is this that has sort of shaped twain in every way, whether it’s getting expelled from every school in his area or going overboard on a mission where his target should have been left alive. i think his top priorities are having fun and having a good story to tell later, and while letting atsushi die wouldn’t have fallen under something fun, twain’s anticipated victory definitely would have been a good story to tell others.

part III: traits with basis in how mark twain was in real life.

an unashamed love of cats. it doesn’t come up SUPER often, but i like to remind people from time to time that my twain absolutely adores any and all cats, and had plenty of them himself before the guild arc. this comes from rl mark twain being obsessed with cats to the point where he’d have up to 19 cats at once, and would straight up rent cats while he was traveling so he never had to be without cats.

traveling. speaking of traveling! this not only comes from rl twain’s travels, but also the love for adventure displayed by huck and tom in their books. bsd twain really wouldn’t be a good adaptation of the soul of mark twain without acknowledging his travels. i think there were hints to this in the show, but definitely not as much as i would have liked. my twain is a restless soul and not only likes seeing new placed, but meeting new people.

unashamed acceptance. this actually stems both from the central ideas of several of twain’s novels as well as a quote and his love of traveling. my twain used to be a terrible person; he came from a conservative family and had no internet access beyond the one TV that they had, so it’s not like he was very informed. it was traveling and meeting so many people that caused him to develop the accepting nature he has today.

utter devotion to objects of his affection. i’m assuming because everyone reading this is probably a normal person, they DON’T know the intimate details of twain’s relationship to his wife. well i personally do. while there were undoubtedly some problems between them, there is one thing i choose to input in my relationships involving twain: he genuinely bent over backwards to get her to love him. he would do literally anything for her. and that’s a huge big part of how i portray twain in all of his relationships because i input that aspect of “willing to do anything for his partner, even if it wasn’t what he might have wanted to do beforehand, just so he can be happy with them”.

profanity and sex. i don’t know how much you know about twain’s other works that aren’t his most popular, but he was known for being very prolific and obscene in certain works, to the point where he made a joke about the word ‘damn’ being in used in substitution of the word ‘very’. for his time, he was also very obscene and made a lot of references to not only sex but other things that were considered taboo subjects among the respectable like, i kid you not, farting. because of this, my twain curses a LOT. and i can’t exactly explore this much since i myself am a minor and don’t know how far i can really go, but he is very in tune with sexuality and basically this man has a lot of sex.

comedy. to put things plain and simple, RL mark twain was basically a touring standup comedian for a good portion of his life. i attribute this fact to why twain is the funniest person in the guild and always tries to keep things light and fun. 

bouts of depression. i should say this now: my twain doesn’t have depression. but, since i didn’t want to ignore the fact that the real author more than likely DID, i felt i should include my twain’s suicide attempts just before and just after leaving home, when he felt he was at his lowest.

the river. the river not only serves as a motif for twain’s most famous story, but also his actual life. if you know anything about rl mark twain, you know he was a steamboat captain for a little while. my twain definitely was not (although i have thought about giving him a steamboat captain au just for fun), but nevertheless a large portion of his initial journey away from his home took place on a river, to parallel both huckleberry finn and his actual life.

thoughts on war and humanity. since i don’t write serious things with twain a lot, it’s difficult to incorporate this into most threads with him. rl mark twain was personally affected by the civil war and did all he could to avoid fighting. he never actually enjoyed conflict. my twain was NOT affected by the war, as it was just ending when he was born, however he still has a lot of thoughts on militarization that i won’t elaborate on as i’m trying my best to keep this blog free from subjects that could genuinely affect anyone’s wellbeing. as for humanity, my twain largely shares his counterpart’s view that human beings can be very greedy and selfish, but that kindness is the greatest weapon and gift one can have. his views are very complicated so it would definitely not hurt to ask him directly about them wink wink nudge nudge.

confidence and natural magnetism. i’ve already spoken about my twain in regards to confidence, but there is some of it that is based in how mark twain in real life was--and no doubt in how tom sawyer acts in every book that features him. he was once quoted as calling himself THE american. despite all this, however, i take from rl twain his natural magnetism and ability to somehow make people like speaking to him despite that he should very much come off as arrogant; with my twain, there’s really just something about him that feels as though he wants to get to know you.

curiosity about science and new technology. because of his counterpart’s interest in science and friendship with nikola tesla, my twain has a deep love for new and exciting technology, and it’s actually because of this that i have the hc that he discovered a love for video games after having enough money to actually purchase a setup to play them. he’s really interested in things like cloning and genetic altering even if he doesn’t really understand the actual science behind them and i’m very confident that if he had watched phineas and ferb his favorite character would be dr. doof.

part IV: miscellaneous.

favorite color: orange. not only is it the color of his hair, but it’s also the color of fire and a very bright and friendly color. favorite food: italian, but he’s not a picky eater and will settle for anything. he specifically enjoys good NY style pizza, but doesn’t think chicago style pizza is bad either. favorite song: american pie by don mclean. “uncle” introduced him to it. favorite movie: it honestly depends on the day. recently he’s had a strange obsession with night at the museum. favorite game: minecraft. this is the part where i explain later: it was the first game he actually played after buying himself a good enough computer to play games and he fell deeply in love with how beautiful of a game it was. he gets very emotional about the idea that for him, minecraft is a game meant to be shared with other people and for you to showcase just what you can do. he has a hardcore world that’s been up since he was 18! favorite non-alcoholic drink: lemonade. favorite alcoholic drink: whiskey. favorite season: summer, with fall as a close second. favorite holiday: halloween. he loves to dress up. this year he says he plans to dress up as the cowboy from night at the museum, but that will probably change. favorite musical: currently, newsies. but he’s also been known to like falsettos, bonnie and clyde, and 35mm. favorite place: anywhere there’s something new to see. favorite animal: coyotes! biggest fear: as strange as it may seem, he genuinely actually doesn’t have any real fears. the only thing he’s afraid of is the kool aid man because his brothers convinced him that it was filled with the blood of kids who didn’t like kool aid and he’s never been able to shake that fear from him.

MBTI type: enfp. enneagram type: 7w6. hogwarts house: gryffindor. i actually have had thoughts before about putting him in hufflepuff or slytherin, but his unashamed bravery and willingness to run headfirst into any situation with no fears as well as his BLATANT disregard for rules makes him more of a gryffindor than anything. ilvermorny house: thunderbird. it favors adventurers, and i’m sure if you’ve gotten this far you know twain loves to adventure. patronus: honestly, probably some kind of hawk or falcon. tma entity: hard to say, but i tend to have him aligned with either the eye or the vast. the eye because he likes to watch and observe and hear others’ stories, and it’s a great way to play off of twain looking through a scope to snipe people in canon. and the vast because he’s a thrill seeker and loves the feeling of falling, and also believes that in the grand scheme of things not much is very important. PJO godly parent: hermes for sure, but i have experimented with the idea of it being apollo, dionysus, or athena. hunger games district: 7. i already have this established in the hunger games au for him that i?? just kinda have for some reason. divergent faction: dauntless. i don’t even like divergent by the way, i was just kind of trying to think of other categories i would sort twain in. i think he’d definitely be divergent tho tbh.

[kunoichi-ume]

OC Kiss Week 2020: Kitchen

Characters: Jilleste Lewton and Noara Starspark 

Word count: 827

Story: Courting Disaster

This was, by far, the most surreal thing Noara had ever done. Thinking back on her past experiences that was almost funny, when all she was doing was sitting on a stool. In her mother's kitchen. Watching the woman she had wanted to meet her entire life long flit around the room, making what she promised was a favorite dish. The house was quiet around them, her father and siblings having been sent on errands after being surprised by her arrival. Apparently just showing up without calling ahead had flustered the older woman who felt the event deserved some celebrating.

It was strange, finally seeing the woman she'd tried to picture so many times. She never would have guessed how strong the resemblance between them was,. Jilleste had similar thick black hair, pale skin, even her height was almost the same. Her father, brother and the older of her two sisters were all taller than she was and it annoyed her a bit that she was the only one not to get her father's genes in this case. That annoyance however was buried deep under the myriad of emotions she had been drowning in since agreeing to let Darvic bring her home to me the family. Her family.

It was more than a little weird. And sort of wonderful at the same time. Their reactions to her had thrilled and delighted Noara; the way her father, Braxtol, had grinned like he had never been happier when she showed up on their doorstep; the way her mother's arms had trembled when she enfolded Noara into a tight hug; Juliaddi exclaiming loudly how happy she was to finally have an older sister; Bayli, the sweet little girl, climbing into her lap and asking for magic tricks.

Noara had been worried she would be angry at them, for giving her up, for moving on, for having other children to 'replace' her. It had been one of the gut reactions she had when Darvic revealed their connection before she remembered her short trip to Ord Mantell. The officer she now knew was her father had been so kind to her, she remembered being taken aback by his concern for her well being, and that memory soothed the hurt. Whether he realized their connection or not, she had truly appreciated his caring. Seeing her mother, Noara couldn't imagine her father not realizing who she was.

Watching her mother working in the kitchen, Noara felt a sort of peace she hadn't expected during this first, nerve wracking visit. Her mother was sneaking looks at her through teary brown eyes and Noara was certain they hadn't been dry since she arrived. The idea of anyone being so happy to see her they cried about it made her feel something she had rarely even hoped to be - it made her feel loved.

Loved enough that she felt guilty that she didn't know how to reciprocate it. Her experience with family relationships was lacking, to say the least, most coming from observing people around her during missions and her books. The series she was reading now, about a crew of traders that got on the bad side of a trafficking ring and have to go on the run with the slaves they saved, had a character she related to very closely. Harlow, a girl who was stolen from her home, thought about her family often - usually about missing helping her mom in the kitchen.

Remembering her current favorite character's warm memories cooking with her mother, Noara has an idea. Before her nerves can get better of her, she pushed herself off the stool and cleared her throat.

The movement catches Jilleste's attention, the older woman stopping half way between the stove and the fridge. "Everything okay sweetie?"

Noara smiled at the unfamiliar feeling being called 'sweetie' by her mother inspired and nodded. "Yes I just was wondering," her voice trailed off and she looked down at her fingers, clenched tightly together in front of her before continuing, "if I could help?" She didn't look up to see what her mother's reaction to her request was, or what she did when Noara heard movement, until a warm hand landed on her tense ones.

Another hand cupped her cheek, tilting her face up to look at her mother's smiling face. "I'd love that," she said, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Noara's forehead before pulling her into a tight hug. Jilleste sighed against her hair and Noara could feel the emotion in her voice surrounding her, the love her mother had for her."Oh my sweet child, having you in my arms again is a dream come true."

Sniffing back the tears suddenly in her eyes, Noara wrapped her arms around her mother and clung to her in a way she had never done to anyone before. "Mine too, mom," she said, voice trembling with emotions she had always been taught to control and suppress. "Mine too."