#long story short i am so very tired and sore
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Just Take It | Jeon Jungkook | Part Eight
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Summary: Jungkook's feelings for you have grown immensely and he can't hold himself back from being honest anymore. Pairing: Inexperienced f!reader x Best Friend's Dad Jungkook (20 year age gap) Word Count: 2.6K~ (I know it's short but it was at a good stopping point and I couldn't figure out how to continue it without a big time skip/harsh break so yeah enjoy this mini chapter 😅) Warnings: No warnings just fluff a/n: Another almost four months and I only have a little bit for you 😔 I'm still trying to figure out how I want to go about finishing this story (yes it's close to the end) so please bear with me 😪 but either way I hope you enjoy!
Ever since I told him last month that I didn't want to be friends anymore and by default telling him that I wanted to be with him things have been different.
We've settled into a new routine with the tension between us no longer burning to the point I shy away but something that feel natural, domestic even.
I guess you could say that's pretty obvious from the fact that we're living together but his subtle touches are welcomed and expected.
Things as simple as his hand on my lower back as he passes by or his arms wrapped around me from behind with his chin propped up on my shoulder or even a kiss on the forehead are all things that we've settled into and it makes me feel loved.
Love is still a scary word for me to think about or even say aloud but it's something I feel towards him, deeply, hopelessly, painfully.
At times I remember that things could suddenly change without warning. That he could toss me out as soon as he gets fed up with waiting like Jared did. That he cou-.
"Ow!" I cry out when he pinches my side, "What was that for?" I whine, the spot he abused already sore. "I've been calling your name for five minutes and you didn't respond so..." he chuckles and I hum, not having the energy to scold him further.
He wraps his arms around my waist and props his chin on my shoulder just like I had been thinking about while spacing out, leaving me relaxing into him, the feeling of being in his arms taking away some of the anxiety that had started to build.
"You okay?" he asks, placing a kiss on my cheek to which I hum again, nodding along with it. "You sure, because you've been stirring your coffee for the past seven minutes" he says, my hand stilling once he points it out.
I take a drink of the completely cold beverage and sigh in defeat, realizing that his words are true.
"I wanted it cold anyways" I mumble and turn to walk over to the freezer to add some ice, Jungkook letting go but still staying close.
"Something's wrong" he says after observing me for another second or two, very used to reading my body language. "Nothing's wrong I'm just...tired" I reply and the truth is I am.
"My internship has been kicking my ass and I don't know, I guess it's all starting to catch up to me" I relent and he takes a turn humming, knowing I'm not telling him the whole truth.
"You know you can tell me anything right?" he says, coming closer and cradling my face in his hands, granting him a sad smile in return.
"I know, but I promise I'm fine. It's just been a long week that's all" he studies my features for a while and decides to take my word for it, seeing that I'm not ready to talk about it. He nods his head a tiny bit before leaning in and giving me a soft kiss on my lips, one that lasts but a moment before pulling away.
"You wanna watch something tonight?" he asks and I smile as my answer, making him chuckle. "I'll make the snacks if you wanna go choose" he offers and I nod, my face still cradled in his hands so he gives me one last kiss before letting go and leaving our source of entertainment up to me.
~~~~
As the movie we've already watched and fallen in love with plays Jungkook notices my absence even though I'm cuddled up next to him, my reactions being minimal to nonexistent.
The parts we always laugh at are met with the sounds of his enjoyment and not mine so he pauses it and waits for me to notice which I don't for a while leaving him even more worried.
"What's going on in that pretty little head of yours Bunny? Did I do something wrong?" he asks and I sit up, needing him to know that he hasn't. "No, no you've been wonderful, better than I deserve honestly" I say, mumbling the last part but of course he hears it loud and clear.
"I'm good to you because I love you and you do deserve it, that's all" he admits so freely that I almost don't catch it. "You...what?" I ask, almost too scared to breathe. "I love you" he says with a crooked smile, clearly enjoying my practically speechless state.
I sit there for a minute, stunned into silence, not having expected that at all but he just laughs. "What? You didn't think I loved you?" he asks, brushing a stray strand of hair off of my face, letting his fingers trail down my neck before withdrawing his hand.
"No...I mean maybe? Isn't it a little too early for I love you's?" I ask, tentative to say it after I had been burned by...
"I don't think so. I mean it might be forward but I've loved you for a long time and I've cared about you even longer. You're someone that has been a constant in my life for many many years and the fact that you've given me permission to hold you, kiss you...well it's something that I don't think I can hold back anymore" he confesses, making me feel as though my heart might explode.
"I-" "You don't have to say anything. Take your time and only say it if you truly mean it Darling. I don't want to rush you into anything you're not ready for" he says, chancing caressing my face again and rubbing his thumb along my bottom lip.
"Come here" he says and pulls me in, having me straddle him not for anything sexual but just for the need to hold me close.
I burry my face in his neck and he rubs my back, knowing that I feel vulnerable since although he's not rushing me, I know he'll be waiting for an answer.
"I'm scared" I mumble against his skin and he hums, understanding the situation honestly more than I wish he did. He witnessed the ups and downs of the relationship between Jared and I and sat on the sidelines, knowing he could treat me better but caring about me too much to take away my right to make my own decisions and choose who I love even if it wasn't him.
"Take your time Bun. You know I'll always be here for you, no matter how long it takes" he reassures me of what I knew, making me nod and wrap around him even tighter, taking his words as genuine but still terrified that this could all slip away at any moment.
~~~~
A week goes by and I still haven't said it and it's killing me.
When he says goodbye he says it, whenever we've been intimate he says it, he even says it randomly just to try to make me smile but my mind won't truly let it sink in until I say it back.
"Baby?" he asks, knocking on my partially ajar door, seeing that I've been taking a little while longer to get out of bed this morning.
I hum and let him come in, trying to assess the state I'm in before saying anything else as he comes and sits down on my side of the bed, looking down at me and placing his hand on my waist. I'm still laying down, not having made an effort to get up just yet which I know worries him as well but he doesn't push me too hard.
"You not feeling well?" he asks, now going to check my temperature with the back of his hand but not noticing a fever of any sort making his theory very short lived. "No, just tired" I say quietly, not having spoken a word since I woke up, my voice still raspy which I can tell he enjoys but doesn't comment on this time.
"You want me to make you something? It's already lunch time and you haven't eaten all day huh?" he asks, knowing the answer but still allowing me the chance to reply. "Yeah maybe something simple like a sandwich?" I request and he nods.
"Want me to get it from that sandwich place we love?" he suggests, rubbing small circles on my waist but I shake my head. "No I'm craving one of your sandwiches" I say making him smile, knowing one of his favorite forms of praise is compliments on his cooking.
"Okay Bun, the usual?" he asks, knowing exactly what I want but asking just in case I'm feeling like something a little different today but I nod my head in approval making him lean down and place a kiss on my forehead before asking if I want him to bring it up here to which I decline.
"I need to get out of bed at some point" I say and he shrugs, "You're allowed to have a lazy day every once in a while if you'd like. I could even come join you later on?" he proposes making me smile, in favor of his suggestion.
"Can we take a nap after lunch?" I ask and he smirks a bit, testing the waters to see what I'm actually asking for. "Just a regular nap this time" I roll my eyes leaving him sighing dramatically before leaving, telling me he'll call me down when it's ready.
Once he's gone the doubt that has been plaguing my mind comes circling back.
'What if he's just saying that to take pity on me? What if he's saying it to rush me into something I'm not ready for? What if-' I groan, cutting off the spiral that I send myself down every time I'm alone and throw the blankets off before going into my bathroom and throwing cold water on my face, glaring at myself in the mirror, daring me to keep acting like this.
He loves me. He loves...me. Why am I so torn up about this? People say it all the time so it's not like it's the end of the world. It's just that...well next time I say it I want to mean it. The next time I say it I want it to be real.
I want to say it to the man that I'll promise to say it to forevermore.
Call me a hopeless romantic all you want but if I'm going to trust someone with my heart again I don't want to regret it...
~~~~
"Here you go Bunny" he says and places my sandwich in front of me. "I love you" I mumble, softer than I've ever said anything before but it makes his movements stutter.
"What was that Darling?" he asks, sitting down in the seat next to me at the table. "I um...I said 'Thank you'" I chicken out and although he wants to call me out on it he doesn't.
"You're welcome baby" he says, his smile a little brighter when he realizes that I'm trying, that I want to say it too but I just don't have the confidence yet.
"Anything for you" he finishes and caresses my cheek before getting up and grabbing his plate along with our drinks.
"You sure you're feeling alright?" he asks, my silence through lunch palpable since whenever he tries to start up a conversation I give him small short answers that make his efforts die in his throat.
"I've just been feeling a little funky that's all" I say and he hums, contemplating his next words which surprise me. "I'm sorry" he says, defeated and honestly quite vulnerable. "Why are you apologizing?" I ask, not thinking that he would have done anything that would require something like that.
"I knew you weren't ready and I rushed things but I wanted to be able to say what I felt for you because it was eating me alive. Having to cut off my sentences and not being able to speak my mind fully, holding you as close to my heart as possible but not being able to tell you that you had it in the palm of your hand already I just...I couldn't do it anymore" he says, his whole demeanor shifted into an almost sorrowful state that I can't hold it back anymore.
I can't keep hurting him like this when all I want to do is scream it for all to hear, even if the thought terrifies me.
"I love you" I say making his head pop up from it's dropped state, then feeling guilty and looking at his lap again as a result. "You don't have to say it just because I did. I just wanted to apologize because I know that that's was why you've been feeling so off lately" he says but I shake my head.
"The thought of giving my heart to someone again scares the shit out of me. After...well after going through all of that the thought of opening myself up again was not something I wanted to do. I will admit I sought you out out of lust at first but as our friendship and eventual relationship began to grow I realized that I cared about you a whole lot more that I should" I say, me now with my head turned down, not being able to keep the intense eye contact he's giving me, hanging on every word.
"I didn't know if you were doing these things for me because you felt sorry or because you truly cared. I know now that doubting your motives was honestly my own self doubt getting the best of me. You've done nothing but love and care for me since the beginning and I haven't let myself fully process the fact that I'm..." I cut myself off and take a deep breath.
"The fact that I'm falling in love with you" and although he said those words first the admission alone has me feeling as though he hadn't, as if he would change his mind now that I reciprocated his confession but he does anything but that, further confirming his true intentions for me as he pulls me closer.
He doesn't pull me in with a carnal passion in mind, he doesn't even pull me in for a kiss, he pulls me in and holds me close, telling me wordlessly that he's proud of me. That he's proud of me for taking that step, for trusting him with my heart, my mind, soul, fully consumed by him without abandon.
"Thank you" he whispers, his face being buried in my hair making me laugh at the ticklish feeling. "Don't make it weird" I say and poke his side making him flinch and hold me tighter. "How can I not? The woman I love loves me back" he chuckles and when I try to pull back he squeezes me tighter.
"Just let me have my moment" he huffs making me sigh and return his crushing embrace. "I love you" he says making me burry my face into his neck, mumbling it against his skin in return.
"Nah nah nah, say it like you mean it" he says, pushing me back just enough so he can look at me. "But I do mean it!" I roll my eyes, playing into his pouty act. "Come on, say it!" he says, pushing me back and forth, making me sway.
"I already said it, why do you need to hear it again?" I chuckle when his pout gets deeper. "Okay fine" I give in making his brows raise at my quick defeat. "I love you" I whisper in his ear and then run away, his hold on me having loosened from pure shock of my honesty, knowing now that I truly truly mean it.
"Get back here!" he scolds once he's come back down to earth, the surprise replaced with determination, his intentions being to not let me go til sunrise.
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Dear Rainbowsky,
I have been pondering whether to write or not to write for many days now. I am neither good at writing nor with words. So please bear with me, because it's going to be quite long if I want to explain myself thoroughly. I don't often use any social media, however, today I was saddened to the point that I must say something. I have great great respect for both of you and Vic, therefore I seek your pardon to use your platform to say a few words in support of DD's newest movie. I felt I must tell of my own experiences and maybe help lift some of the doubts, anger, disappointments & whatnot.
I was barely a teenager when we escaped from the civil war in my country. I'm sure some of the older generations would have remembered the Hollywood movie called " The Killing Fields". When the war ended, many families were escaping to Thailand (or countries nearby). My family was among them. It was an extremely dangerous journey. We could get killed at any moment. We had to climb mountains, walk through thick jungles, for many many weeks (most of the time we went without food. We slept wherever we got tired.) There were many guerrillas (Former Pol Pot's soldiers) in the jungles, and landmines.
We were a group of nearly 20 women with 3 young children (no men). Before the journey (from Phnom Penh to the borders of Thailand), my adopted mum had me bathe in mud every day in the hope that I'd become as black as everyone else in the group (I have much lighter skin, therefore, I would put everyone at risk because we might run into soldiers or guerrillas in the jungles and get question by them. My adopted mum is darker than the dark chocolate) If I could get away with painting myself black with soot (there was no such thing as make-up in war, and soot from the charcoal would come off) she would have attempted that too. I was taught to tell lies if I was asked where we were going. I was to say that my mum and I were on our way to Thailand to look for my father who had an affair with a Thai woman! I didn't quite understand but knew that it was very very important that I got everything correct. And sure enough halfway through our journey we were stopped by a fierce looking group of guerrillas in Siem Riep jungle. These people would not hesitate to put a bullet or two in you just for the fun of it! Most were young adults with machine guns and bullets hanging around their bodies. They looked at us with much hatred and disgust (I only remembered there were many of them), then they decided to question me (I must have stuck out like a sore thumb). I must have peed in my pants, I could see my adopted mother was trembling and praying! Everyone must be trembling and praying too. They asked for my mother, I pointed at her. They didn't believe us as mother and daughter. She was about to explain when one of them shouted at me where we were going.....
To cut the story short, I would like to ask everyone "Am I being a racist because I made myself black so that I can save lives?", "Is my adopted mother guilty of telling lies to save lives?". If you are a white person that needs to paint yourself black in order to survive, wouldn't you do it? Or you'd rather put everyone at risk because you think your life and everyone's life is not worth it?
When it comes to war and you are in a war zone, there is no such thing as black or white, there is only human life and survival!
If anyone is interested in reading about the guerrillas in the Cambodia jungles, I'd like to recommend this one book by Chris Moon "One step beyond"
I love your blog (and Vic's too) very very much. I thank you to both of you from the bottom of my heart.
Hi reksmey3328, thanks so much for your kind words, I'm glad you're enjoying my blog! ☺️
First of all I want to send you blessings for surviving such a huge and terrifying ordeal. You and your mother and all the women and children travelling with you were exceptionally brave to get through something like that. What an incredible journey.
I hope you've all gone on to live in safety, and surrounded by kind and loving people. Thanks so much for sharing your story. You underestimate your ability to communicate. Your experience really shone through in your writing. 🫂
I don't think anyone would argue that you were doing anything offensive or wrong by disguising yourself the way you did. Clearly it was a matter of life and death.
And I don't think anyone would argue that - if such a UN mission happened where people had to infiltrate a community with different racial characteristics in order to rescue hostages - there could be anything objectionable about the rescuers doing the same.
However, I still feel that the use of blackface in the film should have been avoided. Filmmaking isn't a matter of life and death, and there are many different ways the scene could have been adapted to tell the story and provide high stakes suspense without subjecting the actors and the viewers to this indignity.
Even if they were trying to depict a real-life mission that had actually happened (and I still haven't seen evidence that it was directly based on a real mission), they could have adapted the scenes to remove the use of those disguises. Filmmakers do this all the time when creating films based on historical events.
That's just my personal opinion. I know others might disagree, and that's their right. (For those wanting my detailed thoughts on the issue, they can check out the posts linked here).
Thanks again for sharing your story, and for the book recommendation. 💛.
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uwu rawr this is my lore if you even care <3
so theres this guy. ive known him for over a year and we got along really well from the moment we met. long story short i fell in love with him. and it happened on accident. we were friends and i catch feelings for him but never get confirmation if he did or didnt feel the same.
heres the long story lol. we were really good friends like we both lived on campus so we hung out everyday between work and classes. we texted and called every goddamn day. we always met up when we had time. i remember feeling the desperation in a text he sent quickly followed by a call insisting he had time after a meeting to hang out and have dinner together. we even started a club together JUST TO BE ABLE TO HANG OUT MORE AND IN NICER VENUES!!! we just wanted a club where we could play jackbox games and watch movies and shows together. im telling yall he was so ideal. ive never felt so safe with someone before. i even introduced him to the solar car club at our university so we could be on the media and marketing team together. god we were almost inseparable. and he acted different when it was just us vs us with other people. he was clearly very comfortable with me. he would even tease me! he loved getting a reaction out of me. and we would laugh until our sides were sore or we were dying on the floor. we were such good friends and at some point i caught feelings.
we did so much together in the span of almost 4 months. i was having trouble with school due to the death of my grandfather, loss of my job, and being placed in 3 classes i already took at my community college (i was a transfer student). i was expected to do more than i should and felt punished for not knowing all the right channels to go through to get shit done. i felt so tired of the bullshit i didnt think a degree would be worth it at that specific university. but i didnt want to leave my friend. i had a lot of friends but this one in particular was special. this was my newest best friend who i spend countless hours with. he knew i was making the choice to drop out after that semester. the signs were clear he was going to miss me. he hugged me like it was the last time he was gonna see me. he doesnt like hugging and i can remember that embrace like it happened yesterday. i did not want to leave him. i loved him. so what do i do? i give him a card saying thank you for the memories and go no contact on him for 8 fucking months. i got over the worst depression of my life because i missed him so fucking much AND i felt like a failure for wasting my time and money on a school that clearly didnt care for me. i was going to CAPS almost once a week even when i was a student.
anyway. i get over the depression. i pick myself back up. i make great friends through the smiling friends fandom. i meet someone who sounds and laughs like my friend. what are the fucking chances. i am encouraged by new friends to reach out to my uni friend. i take my time but i finally do it. i reconnect with other friends and they encourage me too to call the friend ive been missing the most. and…he doesnt pick up. i want to cry. i feel like a failure again. but i think “maybe he called back?” HE DID. AND I MISSED IT! ACK! so i call him back. he picks up. we say our hellos and how are yous. i apologize for the radio silence and say i thought he hated me. he says “no no no no no no i dont hate you dont even worry about it.” im in love again. and the gentleness of his tone? are you fucking kidding me? we talk for like an hour and then i finally let him go to finish packing before he moves back in. i see him the day he moves in and i meet his parents for the 2nd time. after that we start hanging out again but a little too often. we set up proper boundaries after i have a mental breakdown bc he is the only one of my friends from last year that actually missed me and wanted to see me again. he said he wanted to see me again.
the last time i saw him was september 8. i was escorted off campus on the 9th and the 11th due to depressive episodes during both incidents (undiagnosed and unmediated at the time). i was institutionalized from the 14th to the 19th. i still havent seen my friend. i am officially banned from campus and i miss my good friend everyday. i wrote poetry about him that i may never share. i love him. i always will. what sucks is so many things remind me of him. i feel sick when i get reminded of him because i cannot physically be near him and i just miss him that fucking much. i’m hopeless. but i do think i will see him again even if it is not soon. its killing me to wait to see him again. fuck my stupid baka life. god i miss that goober!
#yap tag#i prommy that i loved him only in a platonic sense until idk 2 1/2 or 3 months?#we saw each other every day so getting to know his lore was easy#we always had so much to talk about#and if we weren’t talking we were laughing for hours my god he was funny#he actually noticed i was acting different and very sweetly suggested i see my psychiatrist#ive been needing to get evaluated and turns out im bipolar#still waiting on adhd diagnosis tho but it can wait for now#he laughed more often after we reconnected this year#i miss this goober and still no contact from him even tho ive texted and called AND HE SAID I CAN WTF DUDE IM BANNED FROM UR SCHOOL#he still one of my fave adhd having friends#ive NEVER connected with someone so fast and we didn’t even need to trauma bond! our personalities just work really well together ig#he said i reminded him of some of his good friends from high school#i just want to see him again :[#it makes me so sadge i cant be with him rn
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4, 7, 21, 22, 33, and 40 from the writing asks? 🥰
4. do you have any OCs? Do you have a story for them?
i have a lot of OCs actually because i have three novels i’m bouncing between. one is around 110k (almost done) and another is just 40k (almost at the second act) and then the third is like 10k and i’m still feeling out my guys in that one. but all my OCs have pretty solid backstories and i do actually plot out my novels because it’s a different arena than writing fic (no existing characterisation to fall back on, world i have to make myself, expectations about structure are largely different).
the novel i’m working on now is about a space racing polycule that’s like enemies-to-lovers in one direction, friends-to-lovers in another and jealous-to-oh i can be in love with you too l, asshole. in another direction. the OCs in that are pretty fleshed out at this point. one is this ship mechanic who talks as though she only vagely understands how to and also could get a phd in aeronautics if she wanted but she’s like. sorry i’m too busy being in love with my best friend 🥰🫶
i want to talk about my boy levitas again but we’d be here forever
7. your favourite ao3 tag?
i looked through my bookmarks and apparently it’s some variation on characters recovering from Bad Things that Happened. makes sense for me i suppose. i am very drawn to how we can come back from dark places. this is why i write about the mechanics of light so often i think. but yes. it’s cathartic to me in a very special way to see characters survive and get fat and go grey and fall in love again despite despite despite
21. Can you accurately predict how long your fics are going to be? If you can, what is your secret?
only with oneshots. so, for oranges are the only fruit and orbital mechanics and this red rock and pokemon au i knew almost exactly how long they would be. maybe it’s a function of short stories and the technical landscape of them. i’m not certain. i tend to simply feel a sense of inevitability about those ones.
for longer fics absolutely not. demonstrably not as we all probably know i tend to let those get out of my hands. i don’t treat them like novels so they become almost serialised narratives to me. they’re done when they say so and it’s never clear when that will be.
22. What is it about watching the same two idiots fall in love over and over?
oh, um, i think what is appealing to me about this is the certainty of it. i like knowing that they will fall in love, i like knowing that things will be okay. also it’s loving the characters individually and being interested in how and why they fall for each other. how much can i change them until they don’t fall in love anymore? how far can i push them before they are not the same character?
i read fanfiction when i’m unsteady. when i can’t sleep or when i’m sad or when i’m hopeless lonely sore tired trying to do something other than cry. and it’s like. here are dozens of stories to the tune of “well, of course they fall in love. of course they will be happy.” it’s a way to come close to being loved yourself. i have a handful of fics that literally saved my life and i like to examine why. what did i need from them? was it the comfort of something melodiously repetitive? was it hope, the actualising touch of the other who is not other because they love you? i don’t really know why it is so life-reacuing - these stories about love over and over, again and again, but i’m very glad they exist. 💕
33. Give your writing a compliment
😭bdsm torture scene where you force me to internalise a compliment 🥺🥰🫠💕
i suppose i like how i can put a theme inside of a certain um… distance of prose and sort of weave a theme around that and come back to it again and again. like an epiphany in language. i like that. it’s very difficult.
luckily 😌 Amber would NEVER ask me to write a 9-word fic because she knows i would find that terrible. nigh impossible. a biteable offense. unless 🧐😳 that was your plan all along?
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Rebels Rewatch: "The Forgotten Droid"
Chopper goes on an adventure and makes a friend!
Already putting our Quasar to good use I see.
And Hera's using the map data from the ritual in "Legends of the Lasat", nice nice, love that that little element came back.
Hi Ketsu, not that it's not nice to see you but again I am sorely missing the legwork behind why you're buddy-buddy with the actual legit Rebellion this time. And NO the Forces of Destiny shorts do not count, you can't rely on outside material to fill in the gaps for you in a story that you're supposed to be telling in the main work.
The Sequel Trilogy was really bad about this and frankly some of the live action shows suffer a bit from this as well *coughbookofbobafett*.
Rebellion immediately running into the logistics problem that their carrier needs a lot of fuel, lol.
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You know what I'm going to say, this is a really pretty location.
-squint- Do we revisit this station in "In The Name Of The Rebellion" or did we just reuse these assets?
Sabine patting Chopper on the dome. <3
Lol Chopper just full-body yanking on Ezra's leg to get his attention. And then Zeb and Ezra roasting Chopper. Such a sibling thing to do. XD
Chopper shows a remarkable array of emotion for an orange box.
Oh hey a fanfare! Haven't had one of those in a while.
Subtle animation appreciation moment: Leftover smoke from Chopper's rocket following his wake.
Offscreen blaster shots immediately after the scene where Kanan cautions them to do things quietly lololol.
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I love this gag. This episode is hysterical.
The little "arm movements" with Chopper's manipulators is really good, like right here it's a very clear, "Uhhhhhhh-oh." gesture.
Lol the Stormtroopers immediately assuming that the leg strut theft and the fuel theft are related.
I mean they are but still.
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I really like this location.
These background Stormtroopers sound so tired at the constant Rebel activity lol.
Right, at this rate I'm just going to be laughing at everything I guess.
AP-5! I love him, he's so deadpan and anal-retentive about everything.
People are so mean to the droids in this universe sometimes.
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And thus begins a beautiful friendship. <3
You can absolutely make out Chopper's dialogue in this episode.
Chopper and AP-5 bonding about being in the Ryloth campaign. <3
Oh hey, more examples of the Empire as the bloated state wasting useful valuable resources on menial tasks. (Applicable!)
Awww AP-5 telling his first lie.
I love the sheer Looney Tunes silliness of how Chopper "fights" the officer.
"Still a terrible plan." AP-5 how I love you.
Chopper's triumphant dome twirl when they jettison the cargo and troopers. <3
"No, the first one to the bridge is not the captain!" Chopper is an actual child lololol.
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Ooooh that pissed look on Hera's face, ha ha.
Ezra still not enjoying leaving people behind.
They don't have time to debate it further as the Empire found Phoenix cell in the middle of its wandering through open space. (How it's not revealed but I don't blame people back when this first aired for thinking there was a mole and it was Ketsu, since she's the one who suggested the Yost system which we later find out was already compromised.)
AP-5 pettily dropping the leg so he can cheat and take the captain spot LOLOLOLOL.
Chopper calling AP his friend awwwwwwwww.
Ketsu's assistance gets the TIEs off their back long enough to dock with the stolen fuel.
"You owe me one." I mean... she really doesn't.
Hera just looooves her exciting landings huh?
Hera fullnaming Chopper lol.
AP-5 already being super useful to the Rebellion by relaying that Yost is Imperial-occupied and finding them a new planet on the fly.
LOL Chopper just whapping the officer with the leg.
Awwwwwwww AP-5! Choosing to help Chopper and calling himself Chopper's friend in return. <3
Ooof, ah yep, he dead. With a blunt force hit like that to the chest and head that officer is definitely 100% dead.
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:((((((((
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ATOLLON, YAY!
AP-5's okay! :D
Lol the confused looks on Kanan, Zeb, and Ezra as the droids immediately fall to bickering.
Droid shenanigan episodes can be hit or miss (see TCW fandom's hatred of the droid arc) but this is all win material for me, Chopper making a nuisance of himself is hilarious and adorable and his budding friendship with AP-5 makes the episode unexpectedly heartwarming in places.
Plus! We resolve that pesky season-long problem of needing a safe base and collect another ally. AP-5 doesn't get to come to Lothal alas, but I'm sure the Alliance put him to very good use doing inventory on Yavin. :)
Gonna see if I can knock out "Mystery of Chopper Base" today too.
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Unpopular Friendship (final) (short story)
First: https://www.tumblr.com/residents-of-the-darkforest/737215289814630400/unpopular-friendship-part-1-short-story?source=share
Previous: https://www.tumblr.com/residents-of-the-darkforest/738115228165980160/unpopular-friendship-part-3-short-story?source=share
==============================
Poppykit’s heart pounded, thrumming through her veins down to her paws, making them beat rhythmically as she hurried silently across the brittle ground. It was not the cold, gut-squeezing heart-pound that would have her wondering if she would get caught. No, it was the thrilled, little bursts of energy as she thought how she’s doing it! She’s sneaking out, and not getting caught!
She had stalked away, then walked, and now was picking up her pace to a run. She knew it was only smart to have their meeting spot so far away from either of their parents and any watchful eyes that could tattle, but before long her legs ached and she had to resist the urge to curl down and rest. When she finally came to the small clearing sheltered by a ring of blackened holly bushes, she collapsed onto her belly with a dramatic sigh.
“Hemlockkiiiiit! Please tell me you’re here…”
“I am!” Hemlockkit announced from the shadows. Poppykit had no time to look around before she was pounced on and rolled onto her back. Hemlockkit smiled down at her, her unusually long fangs glinting in the dim light of the mushrooms that clung to the nearby trees, the only light that was offered. “Hi.”
Poppykit giggled and pushed her off. “Did anyone see you leave?”
Hemlockkit puffed out her chest proudly. “Not one! Well, Spottedtooth, but he promised not to tell a soul if I made it back before my parents wake up!”
Poppykit nodded. “Shiverkit promised not to tell no matter how long I’m gone! But I’ll probably have to cover for him someday. Anyway, no one saw me! My moms didn’t even twitch!”
Hemlockkit batted playfully at Poppykit’s tail while Poppykit settled onto her side, allowing her legs their much-needed rest. “I wish I had done that,” she replied. “I wonder how long I have…It already took so long getting here.”
Poppykit let out a breath. “You’re telling me!”
“Aw!” Hemlockkit nudged her. “Don’t tell me you’re too tired to play!”
“Am not! Just sore’s all.”
“Aww, did the long walk hurt your little toes?” Hemlockkit teased. If it were from anyone else, Poppykit’s hair would have stood in anger, but from her best friend, she smiled a challenging grin, moving into the position of a crouch, ready to jump.
“I’ll show you hurt toes!”
“I have an idea.” Hemlockkit proposed before Poppykit could leap at her.
“What?”
Hemlockkit gestured toward the massive karri tree five tail-lengths behind the bushes. Poppykit’s jaw dropped as she saw the massive tree for the first time. She hadn’t even noticed it in the black shadows! “Bet I can climb higher than you,” she challenged.
“But it’s huge!” Poppykit’s eyes were wide, still on the huge tree.
“Are you backing down?”
Poppykit glared at her. “Never!”
“Then come on!” Hemlockkit bounced excitedly on her paws. “We’re bound to learn this when we start our training, right? Wouldn’t it be cool to have a head start and surprise our mentors?’
“Yeah!” Poppykit agreed. The bursts of energy were returning to her.
“Then it’s on!”
Poppykit was, if nothing else, a very confident kit. She pushed herself up the bark, digging her claws in deep as inch by inch, she scooted up the slim trunk. Her eyes were fixed on the branch high above her. She just needed to reach that, and then she could take a break…but it was so high!
Beside her, Hemlockkit took in long breaths, struggling too as she moved upward.
Poppykit was a very confident kit, a great strength and a great flaw. When she turned her head and looked back to the ground, seeing how high from the safety of the grass she came, she let out a squeak and pressed as close to the bark as she could. Her confidence was slipping like her claws might start to–!
“Hurry up, slow-poke!”
Poppykit looked back up, and saw that Hemlockkit had gained distance. While Poppykit debated following or just going back, Hemlockkit was nearing the branch. Don’t be such a kit, she told herself. Hemlockkit was right, they were bound to do this training anyway, right? So it can’t be that bad…and when Hawkjay saw how skilled she was, she surely wouldn’t worry so much anymore!
Gritting her teeth, Poppykit pushed on. Closer…closer…she was almost there!
Hemlockkit had already made it to the branch and now sat on it, claws unsheathed for grip, watching and waiting for Poppykit to join her.
Poppykit’s breath left her in a long sigh of relief as she finally, finally clambered onto the branch. It took everything in her not to just let her muscles melt away and sink into the wood. She still had to hold on.
“Who do you think your mentor will be?” Hemlockkit asked.
“Are we talking up here?”
“If you want a distraction.”
“Good. Yeah. Uhm…maybe Scorchbeetle?” They were cousins, and Poppykit highly doubted that either of her mothers would be comfortable with non-kin watching over their kits. “Oh! Maybe Crowsage! She’s so cool, she lets me get away with everything!”
“Yeah, Hawkjay will love that.”
“Uh, right…Well, who do you think your mentor will be?”
Silence.
“Hemlockkit? Helloo?”
Poppykit blinked at her friend, and saw that she was busy staring down at the ground. “Hemlockkit? Hey, you’re not scared, are you?” Poppykit tried to make her voice sound teasing, but anxiety was swirling uncomfortably in her chest. If Hemlockkit was scared, too, then….
“Do you think it’s too high? If the branch breaks, or we slip–”
“Don’t say that!”
“What will happen to us when we land?”
“I don’t know.” Poppykit shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, and not like her heart was pounding painfully.
“Me neither. I think I need to see.”
“See? See how?” Before Poppykit could realize what was happening, she felt a pressure on her side, and the solid branch beneath her was suddenly gone. The wind was cold as ice, pulling violently at her fur while reaching deep into her bones. She yowled in terror, her legs swinging blindly through the air as she plummeted lower and lower. “Mommy!”
—-
No one knew of Hemlockkit’s deed.
She would climb down to safety and return to the warm belly of her mother, and start the next day as she would any other.
Hawkjay and Lilacheart were never quite the same after that. They never found out where their daughter went or why she had left. With each passing day, the idea that she was dead became an obvious reality, but the questions would always haunt them. What had happened to her? Did she suffer? Did someone hurt her, and if so, who? Any cat they met could have been their daughter’s killer.
Shiverkit hated himself for not telling them sooner, for letting his sister leave the safety of their den and walk into the darkness alone. He never told them that he knew. He swore on his life that he wouldn’t, and the deep fear that he, too, would disappear into nothingness kept him silent. As he grew into a warrior, that fear shrank, but still he kept his silence. Telling them now would only cause them to hate him. Maybe he deserved it. Maybe he was selfish. They needed closure, but would they turn their backs on him?
He had asked Hemlockkit, but she seemed just as concerned and confused, claiming that Poppykit had never made it to their spot. He followed her to where they were supposed to meet, but there was no sign that either kit had ever been there.
You may be wondering: but why?
Why would Hemlockkit murder her best friend? Was she planning it all along? Was it an accident?
Maybe, and no.
Many cats kill those they hate, or those they don’t know at all. To kill a friend, someone one actually likes and cares for for no other reason than ‘why not?’, is ludicrous!
For Hemlockpine it isn’t. Hemlockpine kills equally, friends and foes, simply because she feels like it. Hemlockkit truly did like Poppykit. She saw the ginger-and-black kit as her best friend, and loved the time they had together. Maybe the thought to push her was a spur-of-the-moment thing, maybe she was planning it the moment she challenged Poppykit to climb, or before.
In either case, her reasoning is the same: because she could.
=======================
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! YOU THOUGHT!
ME WRITING A NICE STORY? THINK AGAIN! IT WAS A VICTIMS TALE ALL ALONG FUCKERS!
--No one ever finds out about what Hemlock did.
--Hemlockpine kills anyone--but not kin. Kin is off limits, that's the family rule.
@starfalcon555
#dark tales#long post#long long post#dark forest tales#poppykit story#hemlockkit story#hemlockpine story#shiverkit#hawkjay#lilacheart#spottedtooth#eye-out family#eye-out#eye-out story#eye-out family story#eye-out tales#victim tales#dark forest oc#warriors oc#dark kits#wc dark kits#df dark kits
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You have convinced me, please let me know which albums of the great Bruce should I listen to first??
If it helps for suggestions:
- I am very much a listen to the whole album person
- I am very much NOT from america
- I regularly cry listening to music because it’s just, so good? 💙
Thank you!
Okay, non, it is time. I've thought very carefully about it, and I think I have a quintessential roadmap to guide you through my beautiful wife bruce's oeuvre. Before I get into that though, I have a few things to say about his music.
To put it plainly, think of each of Bruce's songs as a story - if you ever listen to him talk about his songs, he'll talk about personas and characters populating his albums, he'll talk about trying to capture certain American characters, archetypes and images that are now of the past. He means that, and it is what he does. Maybe this is a reach, or just me being pretentious (hello, let's put that english double major to work) but his songs really remind me of Flannery O'Connor's short stories - and she would often talk about being interested in grace, and capturing it in her writing. And it's not grace in the religious sense - it's a hard-earned, or sometimes hardly-earned grace, found in those that are failing, those that are longing, those that are young and uncertain and at the same time very old, and very tired. I've seen jokes circulating about how Bruce's music makes you realize that you too have a sixty-year-old beat-down midwestern dad somewhere inside of you - and I think those jokes are pointing to that grace, to something that inherently aches inside of us, something very old, and very human. That is my thesis statement about Mr. Springsteen - it's why I love him and why I listen to him and why I'll be sorely sad when he is no longer here with us.
AND with that, here is my bona fide roadmap to your first trip with Bruce:
NUMBER ONE
Alright, starter album right here, and maybe considered a bold choice by some - BUT, this is an album you can listen to start to finish and feel like you just watched a movie, and I feel that this album captures something essential about Bruce's work, both lyrically and sonically.
my favorite songs from this album
The Promised Land
Something in the Night
Darkness on the Edge of Town
NUMBER TWO
Mannnnnnn this album - I'll be honest with you, it's just fucking fun - some of Clarence's best work (sax man, beautiful man) some of the best imagery, and I believe after Darkness on the Edge of Town warming you up, it's a perfect second listen - it's short, and pretty punchy, but goddamn, it hits.
favorite songs
JUNGLELAND (one of my all time favorite Bruce songs, truly, tears in my eyes when I listen to it, it's that good)
Backstreets
She's the One
NUMBER THREE
So this album is my favorite Springsteen album, hands down, no holds barred. And yes, it is pretty different from any of his other stuff. Bruce recorded these songs on a four-track recorder in his home in New Jersey, with little else - he was in his early thirties, The River had been a smashing hit, and he was depressed. The original intent for these songs was to rerecord them with the E Street Band - however, that did not happen. The songs that did get rerecorded would end up becoming Born in the USA (arguably his most popular album), and the songs that didn't would get salvaged off a cassette he had been carrying around in his jacket pocket, and they would become this album. It's sparse, it's insular, it's unprecedented, and it is, indubitably, my favorite album. (I could make a whole fucking other post about just this album, but I will restrain myself... for now)
favorite songs
My Father's House
Reason to Believe
Atlantic City
And after you've gotten through these three, I would say be free and explore - The River and Born in the USA are pretty infamous - I would say you might like The River more just given the "NOT from america" status, as you said.
favorites off The River
The River (I mean, cmon now)
Drive All Night (makes me cry like a baby)
Crush on You
However, Born in the USA is inarguably brilliant, she's popular for a reason - I'm from fucking Ohio though, so that whole album really gets my gears turning regardless.
favorites off Born in the USA that are, um, less american-y
Downbound Train (all time fave)
My Hometown
Bobby Jean
And, of course, I highly recommend listening to his live albums, there's just something about them - here's two songs to get you started there:
Happy listening, dear anon, I'd love to hear what you think when you start digging in :)
#my beautiful wife bruce#yall this was so fun for me#come ask me bruce questions whenever you want#i can also do this for several other artists just drop em in my inbox i will probably have Opinions lol
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—
man I sure love getting a photo album compilation of myself through the years for Christmas from my parents (they did it for all us kids) and then having to see how I look Now at the end of it, and in the candid photos they tried to snap of us
like... I'm generally fine with how I look when I look in the mirror. I can recognize I've aged and am not in my early 20s anymore and it's fine.
but the second I see myself in photos, let alone photos where I'm next to other people... it's a whole different story.
I will start by saying I've always had body issues. always. even outside of gender issues. I've always looked at myself in photos and had dysmorphic issues and felt like I looked amorphous and Too Big, even though i look at those photos now and am shocked at how different I perceive them now versus back then. I was fine. I was in the ideal weight range for my height. I looked pretty much the same from the second I went through puberty at 13 through my mid-to-late 20s.
my family has always instilled this notion of Having To Look A Certain Way through constant diet talk and gossip of other family that has "let themselves go". even my 20-something-year-old brothers, who are gym bros, worry about being "fat". my sister has always had these "teeny tiny" nicknames because of how small she has always been, and she's almost always been a size zero. I got my dad's genes where I'm stocky instead.
I think part of why I recoil so badly when I see myself in photos is how much I now look like my father, and also my grandfather. who are short stocky people, and that's not a bad thing! I actively look at people who are also short and stocky to remind myself that they are beautiful and I have that same body type, and that it's okay. and yet... aside from my dad Nobody Else Looks Like That in the photos when I see them. everyone else has borderline magazine-quality bodies, proportioned in all the expected ways. and then there's me, notably thicker and doughier and not photogenic to begin with.
I'm not even that big!!! I'm not small by any means, either. my BMI is like... 27. I don't know my exact weight at any given moment bc I avoid obsessively weighing myself, but it's anywhere between 154 and 157 lbs. I'm 5'3" or so. I am a vet tech so I am on my feet and do a fair amount of physical labor daily.
I can't tell if the way I see myself in photos now is just more of that body dysmorphia nonsense, but I can definitely see that I am bigger and the number I see on the scale now vs. five-ish years ago reflects that. I don't like that the clothes I've had for so many years are tighter now or just don't fit anymore. I don't like that even if I do make myself miserable with dieting (I've tried and failed a few times now; between living in a place where fresh food is a) expensive and b) the "fast food" options have VERY little variety and c) I'm so worked-to-death that I have a very hard time prepping things on a regular basis it's very difficult.) or exercise (once again, I work at least ten-hour workdays and I am very tired and sore after work a lot so trying to find the time to exercise in the 3-4 hours after I get home to when I go to bed is not very feasible, and not even taking into account how horribly self-conscious I am about being perceived exercising even by my own spouse. I could flail around in the tiny living area for however long making gross physical exertion noises when it was Just Me but when there's another human being around, nope. can't do it.)
in the past I would get on the scale sometimes, see a certain number, and dial back on this or that and get back to where I wanted it. but now that I live where I do, versus before where I was minutes away from numerous options for grocery shopping and fresh healthy take-out any any moment's notice; not to mention how much more time I had in a day to myself... I don't think I can.
#body image issues#weight gain#shut up acro#feel free to ignore#very rambly text#sorry I just need to vent somewhere#basically my body dysmorphia got set off by certain photo displays from my family#and thanks to all the Holiday Weight Jokes#I'm extra bogged down by my thoughts that I already struggle with#might delete later
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went to the hospital but made it home in the same day because i’m just a speedrunner at this now
long story short, had a weekend of flareups with my heart among other things, went to the ER because my family was getting Very Concerned, had MORE BLOOD DRAWN LOL (5 vials instead of last time’s 7), a CT scan, EKG, etc etc, just lots of tests and needles, what else is new
pretty much everything came back normal and nothing life-threatening or immediately dangerous, it just seems like i am very anemic and that could maaaaaybe be the root of my palpitations??
i’m still going back to have the heart monitor put on this friday as planned, to doublecheck that nothing more serious is going on, get more info for my doctor, all that. also still waiting on previous blood test results
for a couple hours there i was genuinely concerned i’d have to stay a day or so and fuckin miss baizhu’s banner release after all these years. like. with my luck it really would be likely but thankfully i’m back home now with some mcdonalds and a very very sore arm lol
god i am fucking tired lmao
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diary6
#nnotthingggggg
today's really slow going, pretty similar to yesterday, i woke up just as sore which is really funny, or like, it sucked and the first half of today blew because moving was a whole actual struggle but after showering, which took me a while to get to, i feel fine. hopefully i'll be tired soon, since i'd like to see about recording tomorrow.
w/r/t music: i'm really happy with where i've gotten the song that i think is single worthy to at this point, up a few fractions of a decibel in a couple spots and i think it'll be perfect maybe, but maybe it's perfect now and i can just chill, so i'll wait until tomorrow to get to that. everything else is panning out pretty positively, i think, i like all the stuff i have going on, after a few weeks of being like, frustrated and thinking i hated it. i'm like that, i'm fickle and moody w/ myself more than anyone else. but sometimes i am like that with people, sometimes i really want to be left alone for no reason, and very suddenly, so it's like someone's been talking to me a while will talk to me and i'll be cold and it's just because i'm how i am, and it's stupid to say that to anyone. it only happens with some people too. sometimes it's the case where i invent reasons to disagree with them. or not that, it's that they can become examples of what i often disagree with, tendencies/lines of thought i dislike and don't want to engage with or something. when i put it like that it's obviously a little annoying but also i think that communicates why i don't throw the thought out entirely, especially if it's related to art or something, my impulses are important to me, contrary impulses can sometimes/often will feel like they're just missing out on what i find necessary/important/what enables me in the first place.
when i think of that i particularly just think about an ex friend who acted like he was too smart for bataille, it was really irritating, no pulse towards the pubic revolution in him.
today i also made a song, sometimes i participate in this thing in a discord server where they post a sample and we all have to flip it. today the sample was from family guy, and i guess i wanted to act with as much antipathy towards the sample as possible, so i totally mangled it. generally i do this same sort of thing in all these competitions, less even the mangling and the same kind of songs, the super fast synth punk thing. if i'm making a song in an hour and a half, that's the best template i have for that. everyone else skews way more dance music, a lot of brostep / riddim / whatever you're supposed to call it. it's interesting to me how that's still sort of the ultimate producer sound design genre, it always dazzles people.
n e ways, the song:
it's pretty annoying stuff, the song i mean, it's an annoying song. it kind of flows totally nonsensically but i like that, i wonder if i'll steal any of these samples at any point cuz i do like these squeal-y sounds.
i also worked on the cover art for the single, i found some fun stuff on flickr to layer into it. people's injuries, i wonder why anyone put their x-rays and stitch photos and mid-surgery pics up there, but i'm glad they did. i wonder if it's the same desire everyone who blogs like i do that passes through them, only w/ more material objects/situations they're working with.
i need to read more, soon, because reading makes me write more. i'm probably gonna start this gary indiana book gone tomorrow after i finish this mishima collection of short stories, which i quite like. of course, the highlight in the book is patriotism, where his nationalism is so at odds with his erotic sensibilities, that the most beautiful/erotic/self actualizing thing this figure who represents the nation can do is kill himself, and while the act is an effort to preserve that valor, he really voids it and himself, vomiting and shitting himself, written so long, his disemboweling himself is such a journey, traveling through the muscle to subterranean territories where all is folded into some cavern's ceiling and everything that exists a stalactite, and beads of water at the heads of the stalactites, everything is exploded into sex, and the sex scene in the story itself, the actual sex scene, being so clearly a moment of real abandon, where valor / the world disappears totally and the flesh is inhabited totally, until one point where they decide to cease, only to intensify their deaths it seems. this story is clearly the most complicated/beautiful/interesting one, but onnagata was also quite incredible, as was the play included in this. when he tends towards the grotesque or leaves the ancient pieces of the world in connection with the world we inhabit, inescapable history that only flowers into misshapen wishes/wrought iron we might harm ourselves with, he is incredible. sometimes the stories feel oddly like parables, which expands that feeling in some ways i guess, older forms of storytelling and older kinds of morals transposed into his immediate world, and the strangeness of that. he was always chasing the uncanny.
it's so weird how there are guys who really think he was straight, as if the death sequence in patriotism isn't one of the most eroticized things he's written, just as well, the death scene of his wife is at most one paragraph long, while he was eager to write the death of the man he played in a film adaptation of this story, for numerous pages.
i should go back and read the part where he vomits, and we are reminded of how he ate dinner shortly before.
that reminds me of when i was in japan, and after eating a really lovely dinner in a really nice place in akasaka, nice meaning tucked away and dirty and also only populated by suicidal looking salarymen (attractive to me) i had to go and vomit it up because it turns out i'm allergic to all the konbu they serve in japan. i had been taking a bath, sweating out the sick kind of, until it hit me that i had to puke, so i went and vomited, and so hot from soaking in the tub, the sensation of fever was all over me, bowed over the toilet, it felt a little religious, puking always feels religious, to me.
i'm glad i talked about puking that helped me write something more important than a diary. thankies.
anyways, puking was awful, but the first time wasn't so bad because it just felt like fever, it happened again, the first time i thought it had to do with the eggs, so the next time it happened, it was because i only had the soup, and when it was all i ate, it made me like 10x sicker, because after puking it all out, it still lingered i guess, and i had to deal with these awful hives and ohmygod there are no antihistamines in japan so i was worried my throat was gonna swell shut and i'd die. my gf ran to a medicine shop to try and find anything and all they had were like, rhino cock pills or whatever.
suddenly filled with hate for a local las vegas noise band, not sudden, i met the kid whose idea the thing was, they got briefly viral, but the dude fronting the thing is kind of a way undergrad dipshit who just referenced schopenhauer and nietszche in his signoff post for his band that has played 10 shows basically i think. this isn't bitterness over the brief virality or whatever, i just hate how this person has done something i know hundreds of other noise people have done, the obsession with "physical art" inspired by schopenhauer and benjamin, only to denounce it and move towards ambient meditation, it's like coil but bad. it's such a failure, which is also i guess the point, he's admitting failure, i guess. it's just so annoying. like, this definitely fash leaning detrans (and way transphobic) dork writing about how his affectation/articulation of futurist art failed. like no shit doofus. talking about laptop-bient "compositions" while making dimes square new yorker orbiter bullshit collages of pretty women in athletic situations + office environments and whatever else. what is it with reactionaries and stock photo bullshit. need to tease that out with what i'm writing.
anyways, it's dumb. the local scene is shit, in most ways. there's a couple bands, i talked about the ones i saw at the melt banana show. the other band i like here outside of those + machine death (friend's band) are spring breeding. they're cool, they know what "fun" is and how to make fun out of being freaked out and fucked up all the time. also the drummer sings, it makes him hurry in a really cool way.
anyways, i think that's enough for now. today was really happy basically, actually, despite my bitching + moaning. my gf did something hilarious with an icecube and it's evidence for why i love her so much, she's the only person on earth who would do that, and that's important to know/acknowledge . i won't say what the funny thing was. okay i will. she put a whole ice block in a cup that was too small and was trying to pour water on it to make it melt and kept drinking from the cup to pour more water in, and it was as big as her face was, honest.
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Feeding my soul.
Hard to be open and transparent when penning down words publicly, but I want to try doing so today.
June 1st was my birthday. As the month of June wrapped up, I was reflecting on how my birthday month went, and if I did anything worthwhile this month. I was also reflecting more broadly on a few other things like what am I doing to leave this world a better place than I came into, what legacy am I going to leave behind, have I helped others enough that might not have the same privileges as me. I have these bouts sometimes, and I feel that self-reflections like these make me fall in love with life and help me gain more clarity of my life’s purpose. Many a times I am caught up hustling and simply living my everyday life, that I fail to recognize opportunities where I could have been of service in a greater capacity than taking care of just my family and loved ones. Many a times I get wrapped up in enjoying the fruits of today, that I forget to plant seeds for the future.
But there were three things I was able to do in June that made me feel genuinely happy inside.
I partnered with American Cancer Society (ACS)’s Relay For Life event and was able to fundraise critical dollars that go towards raising awareness and towards providing services to people that cannot afford cancer treatment. There are several clinical trials that go on hold due to lack of funds, so many of these trials do not reach the final stages and we never get to see the results of what could have been life-changing medical breakthroughs. I could not have done it alone, I have so many of my dear donors to thank who helped me on this fundraiser and helped fund cancer research. Hope one day we get to a cancer-free world! ACS also hosted a luncheon and recognized the local cancer survivors in my county. It was a humbling experience being able to see all the good work that happens behind the scenes of a big non-profit like ACS, to see how the raised funds are getting routed, and to hear stories of other cancer survivors and their journeys.
I was grateful that they honored not just survivors, but caregivers too, who fight tirelessly alongside any survivor. Nikki, one of my caregivers, was able to join me at that luncheon and she is someone I am thankful for being right beside me on this journey. My caregivers, whether it be my husband, or my mom, or my friends and relatives, give so much of themselves to see me thrive and come out the other side of this battle stronger. I just want to pause for a moment here to say that I thank you all so very much!! The collage here shows a poem dedicated to caregivers, who often do not get their fair share of appreciation.
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June was also the month when I started my chemotherapy treatment. It’s a long road for anyone diagnosed with cancer…. and if they have to go through chemotherapy, it is the part of the road that is usually the bumpiest and most tiring, quite literally. It is laced with all kinds of side effects due to the toxic chemo drugs that get pushed into one’s body, like nausea, constipation, diarrhea, terrible fatigue, bone pain, muscle pain, skin peeling, mouth sore, nose bleeds, teeth and nail damage, and yes, hair loss. Before the hair loss could take effect, I decided to go ahead and donate my hair. I figured very soon my hair would start thinning and falling off, so before I started losing my hair, I got myself a very short pixie cut and donated my hair to Locks Of Love.
During the Covid days I did not go to any hair salon and let my hair grow out long…. longer than I had ever grown my hair as far as I can recall. And here’s the reason why I was drawn to this non-profit--- Locks of Love provides custom hairpieces to children experiencing medical hair loss. They utilize human hair donations in the production of custom cranial prosthesis. Their recipients receive their custom hairpieces FREE OF CHARGE, every 2 years until the age of 21. It made me happy inside thinking a small effort like this could help someone else who might be struggling with a need for wig, need for better self-image or confidence… whether it’s due to alopecia caused by cancer or some other medical reason.
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And finally, after my diagnosis I admittedly have not been as religious about working out as I should be. To be completely honest, I have never been a runner, a cardio, or CrossFit, or Spin kind of gal. I was happy doing my daily walks of 2 miles (which again, I know I know is not much at all going by the standards of some of my fit runner friends 😊 ). But doing that regular walk of 2 miles with my 3-year old sweet English Cream Golden Retriever, Snowy, was good enough for me. However, given my surgery and chemo, even that 2 miles were torture for my body. Right before my treatment started, I had enrolled myself in a Virtual Workout challenge called Conqueror. It’s a New Zealand based company that offers virtual challenges based on immersive virtual travelling experience to help people start and stick to exercise, using technology to build positive habits rather than negative ones. So so glad I found this company/app!! I have recommended it to so many of my friends and here’s the link if interested-- https://www.theconqueror.events/r/JC93236
There are so many things I love about Conqueror. The participants could do a run, a walk, a ride, or a swim, you’re working towards conquering a S.M.A.R.T fitness goal. What you get out of it is what I put into it…. It’s all about your dedication and discipline. The challenges are all virtual, self-paced and have fantastic themes/trails like Peru, France, Golden Triangle, Amazon rainforest, etc. and even Lord of the Rings 😊. They have ariel views of the trails, and they send postcards and videos of landmarks along the challenge’s trail. Thus, I get to learn of the history, the architecture, the geography, the people, the cuisine although I haven’t travelled there in real life (but places that have been on my list). Also, they send real medals once you complete a challenge, and not the flimsy kinds but ones that are truly work of art in themselves and would always be prized possessions for me. So far I have completed their Inca Trail, Marathon To Athens and Giza Pyramids. Next up for me is Golden Triangle India. And finally, what drew me most to this platform is that for every 20% of a challenge that I complete, Conqueror plants a real tree to regrow forests, solve climate crisis and protect our planet, i.e. circling back to my reflection on am I leaving this world a better place than I came into? Conqueror partnered with Eden Projects — a non-profit organization, whose mission in their own words is--- “We work with local communities to restore landscapes on a massive scale, thereby creating jobs, protecting ecosystems, and helping mitigate climate change.”
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I hope I can keep finding causes like these and align myself better to do good, share great causes like these with others and bring them along in our journeys together, and teach my daughter to shine a little brighter by shining a light onto others.
Do what feeds your soul....
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Rainy day - (My OC) fan fiction, fluff, Short Story
Parirings: Eijiro Kirishima x Asami Sato (My OC)
Note: This is a short story that has my oc in it so its not a y/n. I have to start writing my oc's info book but I will after I post this book I am new to writing fan fiction and I wanted to give it a try since I like writing essays and reading fan fictions. This is a fluff romance story of Eijiro Kirishima x Asami Sato that is the name of my oc I hope you guys like it and please correct me and give me tips on my writing I want to improve and make you guys happy so please let me know with all your feedback🤍
All characters are aged up and have graduated UA highschool some of my calculations might be off when I do write my OC info book. Please don’t mind it 🥲 I hope you enjoy.
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It's been four years since my boyfriend Eijiro Kirishima asked me to move in with him after we graduated UA. I still couldn't believe that I get to spend the rest of my life with him as I'm in my own thoughts laying on the couch waiting for Eiji to come home.
Eijiro has been training so hard to become one of the top heroes so he's always so busy but so am I since I'm a hero too. It is currently nine o’ clock pm. I took a few days off from hero duties because Eijiro believed I needed rest when he noticed I wasn't sleeping much at night and almost falling asleep during conversations but all I wanted to do was get back out onto the field and stop villains, but he gave me a stern look when I said I was fine and laughed about taking a few days off so I knew he was being serious.
I haven't really been away from him for more than a day or two so I knew I wasn't going to survive not seeing him for so long. He had a busy schedule so he would try not to call when he wanted to let me know he was safe at four in the morning when he got to the hotel from a mission he just finished, but I would already be up because I couldn't sleep without him there… so much for taking some days off.
We would text and call here and there but today he hasn’t texted much but he did say he was on a very hard mission and not to worry too much about him which was hard as it is.
I missed Eijiro so much, I missed fighting alongside him and making jokes about having kids one day but the biggest thing I missed most about him are his warm tight hugs. I've been laying on this couch for what felt like hours.
I put on twilight hoping it would distract me from not crying and feeling lonely but of course that failed. I was on the verge of tears until I heard a ding go off from my phone I quickly picked up my phone to see a text from “My Sharkboy” the text said,
My sharkboy– Hey pebble, i'm sorry i haven't texted you in a while i know you must have been worried about me but dont worry anymore i'm safe and im coming home very soon if your asleep which i hope you are i love you sleep well <3
Me- ahhh eiji i missed you so so much, you're coming home yayyy! when will you be here i miss your cuddles
My Sharkboy- Asami your supposed to be resting, but i missed you more my love i'll be home in fifteen minutes so better be ready for so much hugs and kisses im driving right now and it's starting to pour so i'll see you soon pebble i love you
Me- Okayy eiji please drive carefully in the rain i can't wait to see you i love you more <3
I jumped off the couch smiling so much I was so excited to see him I knew he would be sore and tired so since it was raining I decided I'd draw him a warm bath.
I used some coconut scented soap to make scented bubbles in the warm water and I put some rose petals from some flowers that were almost dying near the door leading up to our bathtub into our room. Then I lit a few candles by the bathtub.
I wanted to try to do something special since he's always working so hard and never really gets a break and always making sure I relax before himself. He deserves this as I was lighting the last candle on the edge of the tub when I heard a knock from the front door. It startled me and I almost fell into the tub but thank goodness I catched myself before a disaster happened.
I ran to the door checking the peep hole and lou and behold I could faintly see a tall red haired figure standing there. I did almost doubt myself since he said he would be here in fifteen minutes and that didn't really seem like fifteen minutes. I cautiously opened the door and there he was my face lit up as I looked into his ruby red eyes and saw how happy he looked to see me.
Looking back at me he looked like such a cute wet dog, I let him walk in only a little bit and I had gotten a better look at him in the bright light. His used to be tall gel liked red hair was all down in his face his sharp toothy smile showing he was soaked from head to toe but I didn't care I missed him a lot so I jumped up on him hugging him tight like I was a koala.
He chuckled at my actions “well someone really did miss me a lot” he said smiling with one hand on my back and the other scratching his neck nervously. I looked at him, grinning from ear to ear “Of course I did Eiji, I have a surprise for you”. He looked at me and then looked down, seeing all the petals and some dead ones on the floor. “Oh yea?” He smiled, putting me down.
Once I touched the floor I pushed him a little to follow the trail I made. We made our way to the bathtub, it was dark but the lit up candles made it a nice dim light.
We were in the doorway to our bathroom. I was so nervous it was so quiet and I couldn't see Eijiro's face since he was in front of me and he hadn't said a word. Did he like it? Did he hate it? Was it too cheesy for him? He turned around and bent down, giving me a tight hug.
He had his head in my neck so I could feel his cheeks were a bit wet so I moved his face to get a better look at him. He had some tears streaming down his face, "Eiji why are you crying.." I asked with a worried tone he looked at me and gave my forehead a wet kiss "because my pebble is so sweet to me" we both smiled and embraced each other for a little longer before I realized kirishima was still wet I told him to undress and get in the tub he did as told and got in.
We havent seen eachother in a while so when he was fully exposed getting in the tub it made my heart skip a beat I was always nervous about stuff like that even if we've been together for so long but Eijiro on the other hand didn't seem to mind he would always laugh every time I tried to turn around to not look at him my face would be as he called it “red as a tomato”.
He got in he looked so relaxed and at ease I always loved his hair down it's so cute, I picked up his soggy hero suit and put it in the wash when I came back to the bathroom Eijiro looked like he'd had fallen asleep in the tub I giggled a little and one of his eyes opened looking at me then his red eyes looked me up and down. “Aren't you gonna come join me pebble?” I leaned on the side of the wall looking at him and crossed my arms. “This is for you Eiji not me, I'll still keep you company if you would like?” He looked at me and then turned his head back to his resting position.
He closed his eyes and patted the side of the tub motioning for me to sit next to him. I made my way over to him rubbing the top of his head, "can you have your back toward me eiji i want to wash you up" he looked at me in awe and smiled "okay love" he turned and I grabbed the wash cloth wetting it and adding soap to it making it soapy I scrubbed him knowing he might fall asleep in my lap with how much he relaxed into my touch.
I loved every second of it. It was such a passionate sensual moment I think we both needed this. Once I was done washing him all up and I let him rest a little while longer I knew the bath was starting to get cold so I grabbed a dark red towel that I had warmed up in the dryer beforehand. “Eiji.. wake up eiji” his eyes slowly opened. He shivered a little and looked at me with so much love behind his eyes. “Time to get out eiji the water is getting cold”
He stood up without warning me, I was close to him and just looked up at him. I didn't have enough time to react so I stood up very quickly as well nervously looking at him. He laughed, I handed him the towel looking away. "You're so cute when you act like this is your first time seeing me pebble" he wrapped the towel around his waist stepping out of the tub. I nervously laughed leaning down to drain the tub when I felt a presence behind me. "Eiji what are you doin-" My sentence was cut off when two big pairs of hands turned my body around and lifted me up, my legs were wrapped around his waist, the towel hanging on by a thread and my eyes met with his ruby red ones. My face was probably so red as he carried me to our shared bedroom.
He gently put me down on our bed and walked over to our closet, I crossed my legs watching him. He dropped the towel and I turned around with my face in my hands. I heard shuffling behind me and then footsteps coming toward me, “you can turn around now pebble”. I turned to meet kirishima face to face. He grabbed my face softly and kissed me on the lips. I smiled through the kiss because of the cute gesture. We were like that for what felt like a long time but I didn't mind after we were done sharing the little cute moment he asked me “do you want to watch a movie pebble before bed?” I looked at him grinning he knows I love watching movies with him so he said okay and chuckled I ran to the living room and kitchen to turn off the tv and lights I had left on distracted by Eijiro coming home, then I ran back to the room I walked in on Eijiro fixing the bed the tv was on and the lights were off but the red L.E.D lights shining through the back of the tv made a dimly lit up room.
I smiled so happily to be able to have him safe and home. He got in the bed and saw me standing there. I saw his toothy smile and then saw his hand. He patted the bed and moved the fluffy blankets and huge stuffed bear he got me when he had to leave one time it smelled just like him and was in a shark onesie pajama. I loved that bear so much. It was the best gift he's ever gotten me. I got in bed and scooted next to his side. He was so warm and smelled like vanilla and coconuts. He wrapped his arm around me bringing me closer if that was even possible.
He picked a sad romance movie. This was my favorite movie. I had it on replay all the time. It was called the fault in our stars. He knew I loved it but he also knew when it's really late at night that I would always fall asleep so fast when i'm in his arms and this movie was playing. I lifted my body up to give him a goodnight kiss and we exchanged “sweet dreams eiji”, “sweet dreams my pretty girl, thank you for the bath it helped and meant so much to me” he said, kissing my cheek I smiled and cuddled into him some more.
“I love you Eijiro”.
“I love you more Asami”.
and as he already knew I had drifted off to sleep not even ten minutes into the movie.
The End~
#bhna#eijiro kirishima mha#missing someone#newbie#new writers on tumblr#new story#first post#im tryin my best#writing#short story#fanfic#rainy evening#romance#oc stuff#my ocs#fluff#mha kirishima#kiri#bnha kirishima
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SO I'VE BEEN TOLD ...
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I’m sure many of us have already got stories about getting infected by the virus. I know both my siblings have caught it twice, once in the past couple of years. My two oldest nephews caught it once.
Ma is thankfully safe from it. So am I. I’ve had Covid-like symptoms three times so far, although – thankfully – the swab test results were always negative.
The last one was last Friday. I mean, I’d been sneezing a lot since last Wednesday, but I thought it was just my allergic reaction to the office AC.
On Thursday morning at 3:00 am, I woke up with a really high temperature, a runny nose, a major sore throat, and ... very sore joints. If you had heard me scream from that room that morning, you’d probably have wondered what sort of horror movie that I was auditioning for. I mean, I was just lying in bed, trying to move my body left and right without hurting myself.
In short, I forced myself to eat – which scared me even more. I couldn’t taste the food! (“Nooo!!”) I still had to teach my classes online from home, since nobody could cover for me at such short notice. (Not the school’s fault – we’re understaffed at the moment.) So I just sucked it up, teaching through the pain. Friends worried and suggested that I get myself swabbed, even though I’ve already had three jabs of vaccination. I mean these days, you never know ...
It would’ve been funny if the result were the opposite, especially after almost everyone I know had at least one experience with it early on ...
Okay, you’re right. It’s not funny at all. I could imagine, though, the smugness of someone I used to know – who’d probably say things like: “Now, do you see how useless those vaccination jabs are, since you can still get it?”
Not worth responding to, but I’d probably reply: “At least I didn’t die from it as too many people back then!” I doubt he’d be happy to be right if I really did die from it – whether I’ve taken the jabs or not.
Damn PMS!
So when the result came back negative, my very first thought was: “Damn PMS!” It’s not the first time, though, so I wasn’t surprised anymore. Neither was my family. Since I’ve had a long history of fainting at school and at work because of that, they didn’t want to risk it. My brother picked me up from my place and drove me home after my last class on Friday night.
Yup, Indonesian Family Emergency Treatment 101. By then, I thankfully could start tasting food again. (YAY!)
So I’ve been told that there are men who still believe (and choose to believe nothing else) that women with PMS are always angry. Believe me, in my case, I’m too low on energy to feel such things. I’ll only be thinking about myself. Chances are you’ll be pissed with me, because I choose to ignore every rubbish thing you say – engulfed in my own pain.
Too Tired Of Fear-Mongering Know-It-Alls
So I’ve been told that life isn’t fair. Ha, old news already! I wasn’t born yesterday. Everyone has their own way to fight injustice. It’s one thing to just constantly moan about it on social media – by disguising it as “spreading awareness”.
It’s another story if you actually do something about it IRL. It’s your call to post about it online – with the risk of being considered “bragging” – or not. I know I shouldn’t be too harsh on such people.
The fact is, there are people who have always been aware of how unfair life has always been – even with all the privileges they have. They’ve always known it’s not the same for other people and – if they’re kind – they’re usually more understanding and empathetic – and less judgmental.
On the other hand, there are people who have just been aware of how unfair life is, only because something is taken away from them. As sad as this sounds, you can tell the difference in how they look at life.
Of course, not all of them stay drowning in their own self-pity and envy towards others whom they deem always luckier (the 1%). Some choose to get up, ask for help, stop pointing fingers at other people, start to compromise, and focus on what they can still control. First things first.
So I’ve been told that the vaccination jabs might be “dangerous” – and that I’d be so stupid if I let myself get trapped by their regulations. Thankfully, I question everything myself and always seek for the most reliable, scientific resources to disprove that. Even so, it would still be far more dangerous for me to lose my job if I had been crazy enough to say no to vaccination. My government doesn’t financially support their unemployed citizens – and you’re screwed a lot worse if you’re a woman. (Please, don’t tell me to get married just so someone can financially support me!) Not when I still have to support my family, not when I need to stay sane through all of this.
So, I’m not going to apologize for my choices.
It’s funny how this pandemic has also changed some people you know very abruptly – almost like a 180-degree transformation. The one who used to talk loud about “being open-minded and tolerant towards differences” is now so pushy with what they want others to believe in. What an irony. The warmth has turned to cold.
So once upon a time, I was this lonely, vulnerable, and insecure girl who thought I was being protected. The truth was, I was mostly being talked over – as if I were a stupid kid. I didn’t want to believe it at first, because I didn’t want to lose that person. I kept holding on to those beautiful memories.
“No, I’m not trying to control you or tell you what to do. I just want you to be careful. I care about you.”
Sure. I started finding my own voice and other friends who respected me as their equal too. I thought this person was happy for me, but then I noticed their lack of interest in my friends – even when I always paid attention to theirs. I also remember how unhappy they always were whenever I disagreed with them.
“You’ll never be independent. You still rely on him.”
The last so-called friend who gaslighted me that way is now off into another orbit – and I am so relieved. To answer their question, not anymore. It hasn’t been that way for a long time.
So I’ve been told that – sometimes – days like this may come your way. Days when you have to start learning how to live without them, even by force of nature. It’s never easy, but often inevitable.
They’ll probably deny the fact that yes, there were times when they did silence me during arguments, gaslighted me, and guilt-tripped me if I ever said no to their demands. Dumbly, I’d been playing along – mostly in silence – because I thought it would be easier than causing a fight.
It was my fault that I’d been such a pathetic people-pleaser. I gave them my time and energy without enough left to sustain myself. I remember one of them used to get angry when I suggested that they write a blog or something. They acted as if I’d never want to hear their voice again, when all I needed was a break from their negativity!
Lessons learned. So I’ve finally awaken myself by creating healthier boundaries this time. I’m putting myself first.
We’ll always have those beautiful days (which I forever cherish), but I must accept that those days are over now. It’s about time that I stepped back gracefully, especially when things have gotten too mentally exhausting for me.
Friends forever? Yeah, right. Not when they claim that all friends are replacable, like old toys discarded once they no longer “serve their purposes” (or so they think).
R.
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Hello, chronic fatigue and terrible back pain. I have not missed either of you.
#sass speaks#personal stuff#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#oooof it's been a long time since it was this bad#i can legit do one thing and that's it#that's all i have energy for at a given time#and then i have to rest or lie down#side note but this is why i haven't posted any fanfic#bc my energy is just shot#honestly also this is probably bc i got three hours of sleep one day#then stayed up all day and went grocery shopping#which is very physical for me#and now my body is forcibly reminding me that doing that is A Bad Idea#bc then it takes all the energy for the rest of the week and eats it#the back pain is also sort of on me being dumb#but also sort of on an old untreated childhood injury#long story short i am so very tired and sore
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#&& give the sun a head start; ooc#our master instructor showed up and long story short#i was there for two and a half hours longer than i meant to be#i am very sore and very tired#but apparently i 'impressed the hell' out of him so YKNOW WAHT#ILL TAKE IT#anyway all this to say im backnow hey guys
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She’s the Man (Fellowship x Disguised as Boy! Reader)
Requested by anon
Warnings: mentions of domestic/sexual assault, nudity, awkward public bathing. Might trigger a gender identity crisis in some of you folks, but don’t worry, join the club—we’re getting jackets made.
Synopsis: after having run away from your noble family and horrid husband, you cut your hair short and start dressing like a boy, presenting yourself as one throughout all of Middle-earth. This becomes hard, though, as you start travelling with the Fellowship, where they start to suspect something is up with their young “boy” comrade.
Restrictions, restrictions, restrictions—that’s all you’ve ever known. You first noticed the tight chains on your soul when you were five, when your mother forbade you from playing with the local stable-hands.
You next noticed it when you were ten, being forced to wear tight corsets to shape your body before it even began blooming.
The final nail in the coffin, however, was when you turned fifteen, and were married off to a local, and quite old tradesman.
Though he dealt in silken fabrics, he was anything but smooth or soft. The night of your wedding was painful in all regards, for at fifteen you weren’t even sure if you were allowed to remove the tight corset during the act.
Five years more of total misery accompanied you, as you were forced to attend noble banquets and celebrations.
You encountered a wide range of people, from the likes of Denethor and his two sons, to the sickly Rohan King. Of course, they did not encounter you, for you were not allowed to speak unless spoken to, which was rare.
The two sons of Denethor and King Théoden’s own son, Théodred, as well as his two cousins, Eowyn and Eomer, were the only ones to initiate conversation with you.
You quickly realized they were better-spirited than their parents, but didn’t have the chance to explore more. A tight grip on your wrist from your husband silenced you, as he tore you away from the circle of new acquaintances quickly.
That night, life in your guestroom with your husband was a living hell, as he reminded you whom exactly you belonged to.
That was the night you snapped.
Bruised and sore, you wept into your sheets. Your husband had long-gone to drink more wine at the party, leaving his young wife alone in a state of mess.
It was around the third hour of crying that you studied the tapestry on the wall above your bed. With hair wettened by your tears clinging to your puffy cheeks, you ran your reddened eyes along the art.
It depicted a strong soldier atop a horse, riding into battle. A sword was drawn, and his short hair flowing in the wind behind him.
Subconsciously, you reached up to your own hair, long in length—your husband’s desire—and pulled on it.
As mounted in every room, two swords crossed each other over a shield, making a pretty decoration above the mantle.
Looking between the bruises inside your thighs, the tapestry and the sword, your jaw quickly set. Your eyes hardened, as you threw the sheets off your frame and stalked towards the mantle.
Glancing over your shoulder, you ensured no one was entering your room. With an emotional mind made up, you removed both swords from the shield.
Hastily, you used one to bar the door shut, and walked to the centre of the room with the other. With no candlelight around, you knelt on the fur rug under a square beam of moonlight, which poured in through the bedroom windows.
You looked at your reflection in the sword, and studied the state of your misery. Despising your parents, your husband and your life, you quickly put the sword to your hair.
With only a second to build the courage, you sliced all long locks from your head, springing forward a boyish look—instantly freeing yourself from your lifelong chains.
Breathing heavily in shock, you looked at the clump of hair on the floor, and picked it up. One hand ran through your now very short locks, and the other fingered the cut clump.
However, shocked breaths soon turned into joyous laughter, as your chest swelled with pride and your eyes watered.
Standing up swiftly, you ran towards the bathroom and opened the drawers. Finding a pair of scissors, you got to work and began styling your hair further.
Soon, you were left looking like a boy, by Middle-earth’s human standards. Your hair barely scraped the nape of your neck at the back, and in front, you had a fringe swooping to one side.
Grinning brightly, and now on a roll, you ran back to the mantle. Opening your husband’s drawers, you quickly discarded your nightgown and slipped his tunic on.
Shrugging the loose fit over your form, you secured it with a thick brown belt, trousers and used your own boots.
Studying yourself in the mirror, you realized this must be how you would’ve looked if born a boy, and you were surprised within yourself over liking it.
Throwing your clump of cut hair into the fire, you soon began tying sheets together. That night, you escaped down the window and fled the city atop a stolen horse, riding towards your new life.
Five years passed by, and you had been on the run ever since. Life was never easy for you, but at least now you were calling the shots.
You had taken to your new life as a boy, like a duck to water, presenting yourself as the rather quiet and distant “Arlo”.
You kept your head down and worked hard wherever you went, whether as a blacksmith’s apprentice, baker’s boy or stablehand.
Your most favourite part of the road, however, was learning to use a sword. With a book stolen from a library and five years’ worth of nights to practice, you had become quite skilled. The spite drove you forward.
You vowed no one would ever best you in combat again, pushing you harder every day. Your best friend and only companion was your horse, Paxton, and together the two of you explored Middle-earth to its very ends.
Along your travels, you had taken to competing in swordfight competitions, where you earned most of your cash. Swindling them, you presented yourself as a weak and frail boy, but in the end ultimately beat them all.
You gained a reputation quickly, and were slightly infamous for your swordsman skills, despite being so small.
It was this reputation that led you to Elrond’s secret council in Rivendell.
Your eyes had gone wide in alarm upon entering the petal-strewn area—where the council was set to be held—for Boromir, one of Denethor’s sons, was there.
You almost turned and ran, but he caught your eye quickly. You didn’t know whether or not to avoid his gaze, but that would bring about suspicion.
He instead smiled warmly at you, and thought nothing of your appearance. You nodded back tightly, and took your seat far away from him.
You ended up sitting next to an elf, for you knew their gender worked differently from yours. He himself looked a little girlish, so you believed he’d think nothing of your appearance.
He studied you with a side-glance as you sat down, and nodded curtly. You clenched your jaw and nodded back, moving your eyes forwards again.
You discreetly let out a sigh of relief, as you found the coast to be clear. No one figured you to be a girl.
Soon, Elrond joined the council. You felt your breath hitch in your throat, as you realized his puzzled eyes lingered on you a little too long.
Worried he’d rat you out, you looked away. Knitting his brows, Elrond slowly tore his eyes away from you, and began the council.
Long story-short, you had been invited to participate on a dangerous quest, all food and expenses paid for. Unable to pass up such a good opportunity for you and your horse, you reluctantly agreed, offering your sword to the hobbit sworn to carrying Sauron’s ring.
The first few nights you kept to yourself, as an awkward air befell the Fellowship—none really knowing each other nor knowing how to interact.
Very quickly, cliques formed.
The hobbits kept to each other in a pack, Gandalf joining them. Aragorn and Legolas joined forces, and Boromir, Gimli and yourself found ranks in solitude.
However, this was not to last forever.
Boromir had attempted many times to strike up conversation with you, as besides Aragorn, you were the only other “man” there.
You kept it short and courteous, but made it apparent very quickly to everyone there that you were in no position to begin friendships. This was a job to you—nothing more, nothing less.
That still did not stop anyone from trying, though. After Boromir, Gimli was next. The topic of the night around the campfire was “women”, as they all discussed their perfect partner.
The conversation divided the group in half, over those choosing to go more physical in nature a direction, and the other half preferring emotions.
Gimli laughed heartily and elbowed you in the shoulder. “Forget this lot, eh? I bet you and I are exactly alike, laddie! Thick thighs and body hair all over! Am I right?”
Laughing nervously, you rubbed at the back of your neck. “Uh…not really…”
He blinked up at you in surprise for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and pressing on in the conversation. Legolas studied you from across the fire, and made a mental note of your words.
Later on, when you were all setting up your rugs, Legolas approached you. He crouched down by your side and began helping to unroll your pack.
You recoiled from him slightly, and stared up in alarm. He looked back down at you briefly with a tight-lipped smile, and spoke.
“I agree with you from earlier,” he said. “I believe partnership should be about romance and emotions, not physical acts. How about you, mellon nin? Have a lady waiting back at home for you?”
You sputtered up at the prince, before averting your eyes and rolling your pack out faster. “No, I…uh, that’s not really my area…”
Legolas knitted his brows for a moment in confusion, before his lips parted in sudden understanding.
“Oh. Oh! Well, um…do you have a gentleman waiting back at home for you, then?”
Snapping your eyes up at him once more, you flushed.
“No! No! I, look—I’m really kinda tired.” You made a show of yawning loudly. “And I think I just wanna get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning, though…brother?”
Legolas blinked down at you a few times, before speaking and rising to his legs. “Oh! Uh, sure…that’s no hassle. Rest well…brother?”
“Will do,” you drew out, laying down.
He threw a glance over his shoulder at you, before walking away. He caught Aragorn’s eye as he walked past, with the ranger sat there puffing away on his pipe.
They both tightened their lips, looked away and raised their brows, figuring you were just a moody boy.
The most awkward situation of all, however, came a few weeks later. Having managed to sneak away from the Fellowship, you found a nice river, of which you could bathe in.
Paxton followed suit, keeping your towel wrapped over his saddle. He snorted in worry as you began to undress, revealing your body to the running river.
“It’s fine,” you laughed, girlishly. Your voice had returned to its normal pitch, for the first time in a long time. “Just because I’m pretending to be a boy as I travel with them, doesn’t mean I have to smell like one!”
Paxton snorted, and you knew he was telling you to hurry.
“All right, all right,” you laughed again, stepping into the water. You hugged your chest as you dipped below, submerging yourself fully.
Rising again, you exhaled a sigh of relief, and began washing the grime from your hair and face.
You were only in there for so long, however, for soon boyish laughter came from up the forested incline.
“Out of the way!” Pippin called, stripping off his clothes.
“No! You move!” Merry shouted back, also stripping down.
Behind them both, was the rest of the entire Fellowship, save for Gandalf.
Your eyes grew wide in alarm, as you watched them all meet the river’s bank. They then began undressing—Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas and the hobbits included.
Soon, they each all jumped into the water, splashing one another and laughing loudly. You found a large boulder within the river nearby, and swam behind it.
Peeking out from the side, you watched them all swim closer in a group to where you were. They began cleaning themselves, and soon just started to wade around—relishing in the cool feeling.
However, as you tried to swim away discreetly, Legolas’ elven ears caught you. He narrowed his eyes, and began swimming over to your rock.
Knowing you would be caught if you tried to flee, you pressed your back firm against the rock, lapping up against it.
Legolas was now upon you, and looked around the corner to find what was behind it. Once he saw it was only you, he beamed brightly.
Rising up out of the water, he folded his arms over the rock and leaned over, looking down at you.
You tried to not let your eyes drift or slip, as you stared back up at him. However, mistakes were made (but clearly not on his parents’ behalf).
“Hello, Arlo!” he announced merrily. “We didn’t know you were also in here.”
Upon hearing your name, the rest of the Fellowship waved you over, asking you to join them.
You chuckled nervously and began swimming backwards and away, speaking as you did so. “Oh, no…that’s quite all right! I, uh…just remembered I actually have something to do—”
“Oh, no! Don’t be like that!” Boromir chastised. He grabbed your wrist gently and reeled you back in towards him and Legolas.
Your shoulders went rigid, as you nearly brushed up against their bare bodies.
Soon, the hobbits, Gimli and Aragorn swam over to you, and you were more thankful now for the darkness of night than you had ever been.
Though, with one slither of moonlight in the right spot, you’d soon be exposed.
“Please don’t leave on our behalf, Arlo,” Aragorn encouraged, placing a hand on your wet shoulder. “It is good for team morale to bond like this. Besides, we’re all men here.”
“Some more than others!” Gimli announced. You looked up in the direction of his voice, and immediately covered your eyes.
Gimli was stood with his hands on his hips, proudly naked atop your boulder.
“I am the king of this rock!” he announced. “Any competitors who’d like to have a go at pushing me off?”
“Please,” Legolas rolled his eyes, before he, too, swam over to the boulder and climbed atop it. “This will be the easiest fight of my life.”
Catching more than you wanted to see, you made a squeal of rejection, before forcibly pushing your way through the group and heading towards the bank.
Paxton met you quickly, and you swiftly wrapped the towel over your shoulders like a cloak, as to not make it obvious what you were covering, but doing so nonetheless.
“I’m sorry,” you said to them, “but I truly do have something else to do…literally anything else. I’ll see you all back at camp.”
They watched as you left in a hurry, and shared glances with one another. Thinking nothing of it, besides your usual mood, they shrugged and returned to what they were doing.
This continued on for quite some time, throughout the entire Fellowship journey. Though, you never again attempted to bathe with them all around.
Fortunately, your travels soon took you out of the woods, and into the cities. Many fights had passed your small group, smaller now than before, by.
The most recent of battles saw many great feats—the “Battle of the Pelennor Fields” it was called.
In this battle, you had fought formidably. However, the true victory for women that day went to Eowyn. She had removed her helmet in the middle of the fight, pronounced she was “not a man”, like you had wanted to do so many times, and slayed the Witch-king of Angmar.
You were inspired greatly, but also so furious at yourself. You were also slightly jealous over the attention she got.
“What a brave woman,” Gimli would say.
“I’ve never met a woman so bold,” Merry added on.
“Truly remarkable,” Legolas agreed.
The six of you were sat in a stone courtyard together, camping out in the aftermath of the fight. Your jaw was rigid with fury, as you listened to them praise Eowyn over something you had been doing for the past few months.
Rolling your eyes, and making a show of turning over in your sleeping bag harshly, you quickly gained the Fellowship’s attention.
“Oh, and what is your problem, laddie?” Gimli snarked.
“Upset you were outshined by a girl?” Legolas taunted as well.
“You’re not that misogynistic, are you?” Merry chortled.
Aragorn glanced between your turned back and the laughing boys, before taking his own turn at scolding you.
“Arlo, Eowyn was a great asset today, and we are guests in her company. I will not see you sulking towards her remarkable feats.”
You glared at him over your shoulder, before huffing and returning to sleeping on your side. Your arms were folded over your chest, and your body burning in jealous rage.
“Gosh, what is the matter with you?” Legolas asked next, truly fed up with your attitude. “Why are you always in a bad mood?”
“Wouldn’t have taken you for a misogynist either,” Gimli remarked, smacking his gums as he ate a chicken leg.
You stayed on your side with your back turned to them for a few moments, glaring at the wall. However, the rage in your chest soon gave way to a lump in your throat, as you soon felt your secret burst within you.
“I’m not a misogynist…” you spoke up.
“Poppycock,” Gimli called you out.
Sighing, you sat up and looked at them to your side. “I’m not a misogynist, because…I’m not even a boy.”
Silence echoed around the courtyard, as your travel companions blinked back at you.
“What?” Pippin asked, squinting his eyes. “What do you mean you’re ‘not a boy’?”
Groaning through another sigh, and rolling your head, you pressed on. “I mean I’m NOT a boy! I’m a girl, for Eru’s sake…I’ve just been…presenting myself as one, for…reasons.”
“What reason could you possibly have to lie about something like that?” Legolas asked, not entirely believing you.
Feeling the urge to cry rising within you, you inhaled a deep breath and answered. “Nothing you men would understand.”
“I’m sorry,” Merry laughed, “but I don’t believe you at all. There’s no way you’re a girl.”
Glaring at him, you knew his words to be true. Knowing how to prove you were indeed a girl, you reached into your loose tunic, and began unwrapping the bind around your chest.
Pulling it out, you threw it down in front of the now gaping group. Without a shred of chivalry, still disbelieving you to be a girl at all, they glanced between the fabric and your chest, which indeed proved your gender.
“I don’t believe it…” Pippin whispered, staring with wide eyes.
In fact, they all did. With six pairs of male eyes on your chest, you felt very vulnerable and covered yourself.
This seemed to jolt them back to their senses, as they coughed uncomfortably and looked away.
The only one still looking into your eyes, was Aragorn. “Why did you feel the need to lie, my lady?”
Being called a “lady” for the first time in five years opened up a floodgate of emotions, as you wept into your hand.
“Yep, definitely a girl,” Merry rolled his eyes. A swift punched to his arm from Legolas silenced him.
Now knowing exactly how to deal with you, Aragorn stood up and crouched before you. He placed a tentative hand on your shoulder, and encouraged the other boys to come forwards, until they were sat all around you in a comforting circle.
“What is your real name, young maiden?” Aragorn asked softly.
Still sniffling into your hand, and bearing a downcast head, you spoke up in a barely audible voice.
“Y/n…” you revealed.
“What a beautiful name, Y/n,” he smiled warmly.
Like a turn of the tides, the boys all around took you under their wing, as if you were their own little sister. Everything about you now made sense, and they felt at ease with you instantly.
And, surprisingly, you found the same about them, regarding yourself. You didn’t at all feel threatened by their presence, but instead protected.
“I’m sorry,” you wept, shaking your head. “I had no choice, they made me marry him, and I-I couldn’t stay there, and then I had to make money so I ran with the lie and—”
They shushed your incoherent crying quickly, and rubbed at both your knees, back and shoulders comfortingly.
They gained more information about your previous life in those few seconds than they had before in the last few months. They didn’t need to know anymore, nor wanted to, from the sounds of it all.
“Please don’t kick me out of the Fellowship…” you sniffled.
“Why would we do that?” Gimli laughed. “We now have TWO remarkable women in our ranks! Eowyn AND Y/n!
“A great win for us, indeed!” Legolas agreed brightly.
A smile broke through your tears, as they shook you softly and commended your swordswoman skills excitedly.
This carried on for a few moments, before you spoke up again, now smiling around at them through almost dried tears.
“So…you don’t mind about me lying? Or being a…woman?”
They shook their heads and returned your smile. “Not at all, lassie.”
Before the conversation could progress, however, Legolas suddenly recalled something.
“WAIT!” he gasped loudly, thinking back to the river. “THAT MEANS YOU SAW ALL OUR—”
“Let’s agree to never speak of it again, okay?”
“Aye, never again…sister.”
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