#long post SORRY IDK HOW TO DO READMORES ON MOBILE ANYMORE !!!!

[synthlet]

Ur ocs are very cute,, pls tell me about them?

u are both so sweet ;_; maybe i will

no read more im on mobile. Forgive me

ok so first things first YES i nicked popular fandom design elements for the guys from haf life funny. my approach to thinking abt anything too much is to just make ocs. aside from their designs tho they're different ppl. Mostly

bug is a changeling/mimic kinda creature that starts off as a nondescript worm thing and grows up to copy the shape of another species. hes copying a "human" shape but 1. he isn't very good at it and 2. he kinda knows this. so he wears a lot of layers and wears a mask/helmet that covers his head and makes his big googly eyes seem less out of place. he can shapeshift but his actual shapeshifting ability is kinda limited (he can change his size and grow extra limbs/eyes/teeth, but he can't look like anyone but himself)

since he is off-putting to look at he works as a bouncer/doorman for a shitty little bar/club. he was hired by two other ocs of mine bc they do Business out of there but he isn't really in their "in group". he takes his job seriously even though he barely has to do anything. he stole the security vest and helmet, and made the mask part himself.

despite taking his job much more seriously than anyone else does he is very quiet and placid when he's not blocking the door. hes distressingly earnest and has a hard time telling when ppl don't want him around, hes also quite stubborn. he spaces out often and is in his own head a lot. his apartment has one mattress on the floor and a chair with no table.

morgan is a little mouse guy borrower dude. due to Events he gets displaced from his home and finds that scrunchie that allows him to become human (ths is so silly and also the part I have the least figured out). at some point he loses it when he ends up in the city bug lives in, which can be not a nice place. hes basically just in survival mode until bug finds him fighting off a rat behind his building. they become friends after bug scared the absolute fuck out of him, and eventually?? find his scrunchie or get an equivalent replacement. somewhere there is a big (small) city of mouse ppl that he is either from or finds but that's kinda up in the air

hes a neurotic, paranoid wreck, but that's partially due to bad circumstances he finds himself in. he's easily frightened and startled for the same reason. however when not fighting for his life, he is only a slightly anxious guy who is easy to make laugh and is pretty caring. he sometimes worries over other ppl in a dadlike way (i know what's better for you than you do etc.) once he gets attached to someone he really gets attached, hes starved for any kind of approval or interaction since even before he was on his own he didn't have many friends. in fact, before he was on his own he was much more withdrawn, and spending a lot of time by himself sort of made him forget how to act when other people are around. (this means nothing to bug, who has no social skills).

this is way more than I intended to write oh well!! that's literally all my thoughts abt them so far they are very freshly baked hgdhghj

[fullwets]

tagged by @andwegogreen @mcl35m & @justdrivee 

readmore just bc it’s like. long and a tag game

1. Why did you choose your URL? i was in a discord server last summer & we went through a phase where everyone’s name was variations on “____ dan”, and i was shoey dan for a good long while so i decided to embrace it 😌 in an alternate timeline i chose flanneldaniel as a url instead and my pfp is something Not Feet

2. Any side blogs? yes, this is my most active side blog tho. i also run @asofterf1, my hockey blog is @fialas & my writing inspo blog is @[redacted] (idk msg me for this one i don’t mind giving it out if i know who you are). the only sideblogs that are rly active tho are this one & the hockey one. my main is @coelura

3. How long have you been on tumblr? January 2015, babey. but on f1blr since May of 2020.

4. Do you have a queue tag? no lmao i just stick everything in the queue and Hope

5. Why did you start this blog in the first place? uhh. i started writing f1 rpf and needed a place to put all that i didn’t want to bring Another sport onto my main blog, mostly.

6. Why did you choose your icon? she’s just part of the brand. i’m afraid to change it at this point i have no idea what i’d even pick

7. Why did you choose your header? currently i’m very in limbo. i wanted to switch things up a bit on my mobile theme but i keep rotating through different pictures of dando. we’ll see what ends up sticking.

8. What's your post with the most notes? pink lewis from the rainbow series!

9. How many mutuals do you have? for f1 mutuals... somewhere between 20 & 30. there’s definitely a handful tho that like. i follow just on main and not for f1 anymore jhdshj sorry. i still love u

10. How many followers do you have? 200 more than i do on main :)

11. How many people do you follow? 407

12. Have you ever made a shit post? yeah lol

13. How often do you use tumblr a day? too much :/

14. Did you ever have an argument/fight with another blog? no i’m so allergic to confrontation it’s insane.

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog" posts? mostly i just ignore them idk. unless it’s tag bait i love putting silly little things in the tags

16. Do you like tag games? yes. they sit in my drafts for 3-6 months it’s great

17. Do you like ask games? i always think i will and then run out of energy to answer them :(

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?  there’s definitely some of y’all that like. are big editors on here and i salute u hdjsjd. also [redacted] of [redacted] fame

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?  haha yes ;)

20. Tags

@lyonsbutton @sirlewisshoey @lovefromhorsey i forget who’s done this already 😳

[arathergrimreaper]

I am considering continuing this but don't know if anyone else would actually read it so I am just going to post this first bit here (i already have two other long fics that i have been working on for years). Idk how to do a readmore on mobile so, sorry.

[[MORE]]

The first thing Gerard Keay sees is Jonathan Sims’ confused face as he opens his spectral eyes to regard the new level of Hell his consciousness has been transported to.

“Gerry?” the archivist asks slowly. He is holding a lighter and standing close to a small pile of ash. He looks worn and peaky and...just as beautiful as the last time Gerry had seen him, if he is being completely honest with himself. Definitely Hell, then. 

“Jon? What have you done? I told you to burn my page. You promised, you—”

“You did. I did. I burned it. Just now. How on Earth are you here?”

He raises his hands in front of him as if to ward him off. Gerry’s eyes land on the lighter once more and drift to the ash pile.

“Then I definitely shouldn’t be here. Are you sure you burned it right?” he asks, bringing up one of his own hands to study. Not see-through, but he certainly doesn’t feel completely solid either. A quick swipe through Jon’s desk with his fingers confirms it: he is dead as a doornail.

“There’s really only one way to burn something, isn’t there?” Jon scoffs, but he sounds nervous. Looks shaken and barely able to stand. God, when was the last time the man slept?

“Usually, but it clearly didn’t take this time. This is bad.”

“How bad?” Jon lowers his arms and reaches for a broom and dustpan under his desk that he uses to sweep up all that should be left of Gerry in this world. “I mean, you’re obviously still here but do you feel...does it hurt you?”

Gerry considers the question. A quick check reveals that no, he doesn’t feel the pain of being bound to the Leitner any longer, but he still seems to be tethered to the world of the living against his will and wishes. Gerry decides to try fading away as he could before with his page intact. A moment of tense silence with him concentrating hard enough to feel the strain, but nothing else happens. He is still very present in the archivist’s office with Jon once again looking at him with wary concern.

“I feel fine, but I don’t think I control my coming and going anymore. Or anyone else, for that matter. I’m just...here now.” he explains, trying and failing not to give a little panicked laugh at the notion. He is well and truly stuck on a plane doomed to destroy itself as it had him and his family. It would be funny if it wasn’t so fucking sick. 

“Gerry, I’m sorry. I can try and find something to help. Another Leitner, maybe?” Jon says, brows drawn in sympathy. Gerry notes, not for the first time, how the expression makes him look less like an uptight wanker, but shakes his head vehemently.

“No,” Gerry croaks, unsure how he can even make such a sound without an actual throat. “No, not another Leitner. I am so over those damned books. No. Thank you, really, but absolutely not.”

“Okay.” Jon moves as if to lay a hand on his shoulder then seems to remember and instead gestures toward the couch against the wall.

“Why don’t you have a seat while we sort this out?”

Gerry gives a mirthless cackle at that but does as he’s asked, hovering above the upholstery and pulling one of his legs up to rest his chin on the pale knee exposed by the ripped, black denim of his jeans. Just what had he stumbled into this time?

“So, you are still here.” Jon finally begins, pacing before the couch.

“Apparently.”

“With no pain or connection to the death book.”

“None.”

“The death book Gertrude bound you to.”

“The very one.”

“The one we have no idea where it is, but may very well have the answers to your current, ah, predicament inside it that you do not want to use.”

“Really, Jon, for someone in such a powerful position, you are rather remarkably dense. Anyone ever tell you that?” Gerry asks.

“At least twice a week, why?” Jon shoots back, eyebrow raising sardonically. Gerry smiles despite it all and leans back into the couch, careful not to go through it.

“Say we did have this book and I wanted you to use it, could you? It is written in Sanskrit, you know.”

“I have recently discovered I have a penchant for languages I didn’t previously know.”

Gerry nods thoughtfully. “That’ll be the Eye. Gertie...did that too.”

“‘Gertie’?” Jon asks, voice and expression incredulous.

“She hated me calling her that. Towards the end, I made sure to do it often and that was before I knew what she had planned for me.”

“Huh. Good to know.”

The clock ticks steadily as the pair fall into an easy quiet. Gerry notices there is a spinning tape recorder on the desk. The Eye really knows how to pick them, doesn’t it? he ponders as a gentle knocking comes from the door.

“Jon? I have the things you asked for and Basira says the rooms are booked—”

“Martin, now’s really not the best time.” Jon says, but the door is already opening to reveal a tall, portly man with soft brown curls and a kind, round face. He is dressed in a gray vest over a dark blue shirt with matching trousers and sensible brown leather shoes. In his arms is a medium-sized box. Gerry’s first thought is “nerd”, but the way Jon’s worry-lined face smooths out upon seeing the interloper, he makes the tough decision to keep the insult to himself.

“Oh, you’re taking a statement. Now? Is it really the time for—”

“Ah, no. I’ve already had Gerry’s. We were just talking about, ah, why he’s still here. I mean, I burned his page but, well.” Jon shrugs helplessly.

The man called Martin’s face goes from perplexed to awed. “My God. You’re Gerard Keay, aren’t you? That cool goth guy who hunts Leitners? I thought you were...you know...dead.”

“Famous, am I?” Gerry asks, looking at Jon for the answer.

“Well, we all know who you are from other statements and your dedication to helping Gertrude stop rituals from happening does make you a bit of a statement celebrity, yes.” The fetching blush that overtakes Jon’s dark cheeks as he clears his throat and goes to take the box Martin brought makes Gerry smile. The archivist and his little world saving team thought him some kind of hero, did they? He would be lying if he said the idea didn’t flatter him a little, misguided as it may be. Gerry has certainly never seen himself that way. He had mostly hunted the books for his mother’s approval, which he had never received, and later to try and figure out how to stop whatever it was they could do to the world. Even tried to beat a man he took for Leitner to death for ruining his life with his damned library. Of course, it hadn’t actually been him, but Gerry could dream.

“Think he’ll be any help with the Unknowing?” Martin asks Jon in a very poor whisper that Gerry catches easily.

“I don’t know. I haven’t asked him yet. He...well, he wasn’t supposed to survive having his page burned. He’s understandably upset about it and neither of us know why, so perhaps not. Just give us a minute.”

“Right. Doubt he’ll want to stay here with me and Melanie just sitting around, being useless.”

“Oh stop that. You’re of more use to us here than you would be de—just stay here and stick with the plan, Martin. If we survive this, you can come to the next horrific ritual to welcome a being of pure nightmare fuel to our world, all right?”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Martin says, smiling down at him as they both continue to hold onto the box and stare a while longer. Gerry gives a low whistle to snap them out of it and both of them jump back guiltily. Jon, nearly tripping on the hem of his skirt, catches himself on the couch arm and exhales a shaky breath.

"Don't take so well to scares these days, Gerry." he informs the ghost sternly. Gerry just shrugs and looks between the two of them.

"Where exactly are you going?" he asks, "not into the den of the Stranger, surely? It'll have you lot for breakfast. While it wears your skin as an apron."

Jon gives a full-body shudder at his words. Fear fills his eyes as they settle on Gerry, which wouldn't be so surprising if it weren't for the way Jon keeps scratching at his arms.

"We are perfectly aware of what Nikola and the Circus are capable of, Gerry, thank you." he said, tugging at his sleeves and skirt as though to cover more of his skin. "It's why we took Gertrude's explosives out of her storage unit. Were you aware of that, by the way? You couldn't have told me about it?"

"I have no idea what Gertie got up to in her free time. What little free time she seemed to take anyway. Hang on, like actual explosives? Homemade?"

[zucchinigal]

So um.... about this terror romcom au, what do you got there mmmmmm? 👀 Spill the deets

Yeeeet! Howdy friend thanks for stopping by!

So i'm gonna preface this with the fact that the idea came out of a 2 hour commute with nothing better to do than daydream and this song here -> https://youtu.be/2F0RLK5hm88 (Spring Fever by Sam Roberts Band) which i felt would be an excellent ending song to a romcom.

I keyed in on the line "i'm leaving home but i hope you know that i'll be back before the snows begin" and out popped the basic premise. James Fitzjames gets stuck in the arctic over the winter, falls in love with Francis Crozier, but when spring comes he has to return to where he came from (but isn't his home anymore) to tie up loose ends, but he promises Francis he'll be back before the next winter.

I built out from there. James is in this little arctic town visiting a friend (i think i settled on Le Vesconte) who is taking care of an ailing elderly relative (Franklin, who dies like 20 mins in cos i didn't wanna deal with him). James came at like the worst time tho, and the weather takes a turn for the worse and he's stuck there for an indeterminate amount of time. And of course the only person who has room to put him up for that long is Francis. Who Hates him. The feeling is mutual (so they think. It's suuuuper obvious to everyone else in town that they're madly in love with each other).

They tolerate each other. Not talking more than necessary. James on the couch and Francis in the bed. All well and good til James gets sick. He gets a real bad case of the flu and between medic Goodsir and one of the docs (probs MacDonald), the only thing for it is for Francis to nurse him back to health. So James gets the bed and Francis the couch, but James doesn't want to be left alone and Francis's back is killing him and the only thing for it is to share the bed (best trope).

Over the course of caring for James, Francis comes to some startling realizations, ie that he really loves him and doesn't want him to go away. But of course this is Francis. He's not gonna admit that under pain of death, not to James. So he keeps up as usual, especially after James's fever breaks.

At that point, James realizes that he, too, is in love. But he's afraid that admiting it would break the fragile peace between them so he carries on as usual as well. Starts talking about going back south. Francis can't stand the thought, but all his feelings get channelled into anger and they fight, a punch is thrown. Francis runs off to clear his head (he goes to talk to Blanky who can maybe knock some sense into him) and James remains, contending with his own racing thoughts and a sore jaw.

And i think you know how this ends. They come back, make up, confess their love, blush like teens. James admits he still has to go back south but he promises to return. Francis promises to hold him to that. They kiss. Yadda yadda. There's more, post movie, and if you wanna hear more about that feel free to drop by again, ask box or dm's. But this is the gist of it. I love this idiots.

Also that got fuckin long, sorry. Idk how to put a readmore in on mobile.

[ironghoul]

(hey yall)

(So its been a while and im v sorry ive been away so long!!!! ;; my mental health has crashed and gotten really, really bad over the past few months (my bipolar disorder+manic depression in specific) and its been very hard for me to function on a daily basis, and unfortunately the act of writing things, from general messages to RP posts to fic to ecen this post, has become very VERY hard for me bc of the brainfog I endure from my bipolar 2. My ghost muse in general has also kind of gone to sleep in a sense LMAO and i cant be 100% certain as to why it did, though i have some p clear ideas on what at least contributed (from the state of this fanbase being, to put it bluntly, complete Scheiße and also i got super into the Suspiria remake anskdkdshusjdj). Im making this post today bc a) i honestly really miss this blog a lot and b) i wanna get back into rping again...really bad. Im just not really sure of what my brain is gonna do next and how capable of keeping up w replies im gonna be bc of that ;; so I dont wanna rush into smthn I cant dedicate to again yet nor like.....push myself back into RPing if im not ready yknow???

I have however had a couple thoughts abt Irons character recently, and esp after having so much time away from her, ive begun to realize that I might want to change quite a few big things about her???? After thinking abt it some ive come to realize that im not really sure that like....i want to keep her so much how she is now, which is still very coherent and humanlike with a few inhuman traits here and there, so just super fucking depressed and angry and grieving all of the time, etc. For one, I honestly had more of the intention when I first made Iron to make her wayyyy more feral than I have been depicting her in my RPs, and as well, idk if its just a moodswing or something or other but I have found myself growing very weary of iron's horrible neuroses and constant sadness; maybe ive just been through too much recently or its my mental health but Im so sick of having this character just be literally so horribly fucked up and tragic and sad all the time yknow??? Like im just...im weary lmao i dont seem to have the perserverance anymore to have that be her set character bc like its starting to hurt me too at this point and im sick of it, and so what Ive been thinking about in specific is that I think I would like to make some kind of marginal changes to her character. I always ended up forgetting to make iron more feral and animalistic most of the time bc i myself am a...human LMAO and so thats the only life experience i know, obviously, and I think i was so afraid when I first made her to make her meaner or more monstrous bc she might not have really "fit in" well with everyone elses OCs and also I was afraid ppl just wouldn't wanna interact w her if she was Too Mean ahsjdnbdhdhsk but now at this point i think im ready to say fuck that to all of that bc Ive definitely learned now that yall will really interact w just about any character with any personality type or behavior or whatnot, and also, i think it would not only make iron more interesting but more fun for me to write if she was more of a....you know...Awful Gremlin LMFAO and life is short, OCs and RPing were made for fun too and i dont have Time to worry abt that stuff and end up having to sacrifice half of my preferred vision for this character in the process. So basically i think she would definitely still be pretty sad abt Papa 3 but she abolutely wouldnt be constantly haunted and tortured by it anymore, and I also think I want to remove that whole little tidbit abt her always being kind of violent post-ghoulification, even before 3 died. She would also act a lot less human on a regular basis, like i would have her still being perfectly capable of walking upright, talking, being neat and having critical/articulate thinking skills & emotions etc, however there would be a new quality to her of her primarily being, well, again: feral. Not speaking much, probably running around barefoot quite often and sometimes crawling/moving around on all fours, having that sort of primal timidness with whatever new things she experiences, putting things in her mouth off the ground that shouldnt be there, etc you know how it is. She would basically be like fucking Spongegar (Irongar if u will) most of the time LMAO but again she would still be perfectly capable of acting more "humanlike", and staying in line with that Iron Brand Personality(tm) she would absolutely pick and choose who she would decide to act more 'composed' around VS who she wouldnt and would also definitely purposefully act way More feral than she rly is around (to spite some of them im sure). She would probably be more prone to (gasp) Actually Smiling and being happy on a reg basis too, not just being this dark cloud of an awkward troubled depressing fuck tbh. Which fits in more with how im thinking I want to portray her now.

So thats all that, sorry this went on so long and i cant put it under a readmore bc im currently on mobile ahsjdjdjdndjd but like i hope i said what i needed to say well enough. I also wanna know yalls (esp my mutual RP partners!) Thoughts and Onions on the changes I might make to Irons character!!! Ty all, ily 💙💙💙)

[trupowieszcz-moved]

spoilers ahead if you care sorry idk how to add a readmore on mobile

gorr, the villain, started killing gods because his one didn't answer his prayers to save his daughter. he picked up a magic evil sword that let him do that, and it technically corrupted him, even though he already wanted to start killing gods before he even picked it up. obviously, since his main motivation was his daughter's death, it makes perfect sense (/s) that his master plan for luring thor to the shadow realm (actual name btw) would involve kidnapping asgardian children. because he's evil and definitely doesn't care about children being ripped away from their parents. later, when he finally has the chance to ask for literally anything in the universe, originally wanting for all gods to die, he gets persuaded by thor to wish for his daughter back instead. he does this and immediately dies, because i guess he just didn't think to ask for like, his old life back or whatever. the daughter is completely emotionless and then becomes thor's foster daughter. i guess she's now made of void or whatever, but it still broke the entire emotional buildup to see her awkwardly kneel next to her dying father with a playground roleplay-level expression. i know she's just a kid, but i've seen better child actors.

at the beginning of the movie, thor insists on saving sif, who got her arm cut off in battle, even though she wants to die a warrior's death and go to valhalla. he argues that she already survived the battle and wouldn’t die in it, but of blood loss. it was probably just a quickly made argument to save his friend, but technically i think it would count as death in battle. this is fine by itself considering their relationship and all, but it makes a scene at the end, where jane foster dies, make literally no sense. the main thing about jane is that she has stage 4 cancer, but when she picks up the mjollnir, she can transform into a strong superhero for a short amount of time, paying with her remaining health. at the aforementioned emotional villain death scene, after a long battle, her body finally gives up and she dies, the same way odin, loki etc died - by disintegrating into golden dust. in thor: ragnarok, when odin kicked the bucket, he didn't do so in battle and still went poof, so i didnt pay much attention to that - jane wielded the mjollnir, so she kind of picked up some godhood i guess. but then, in the post-credit scene, she appears in valhalla, greeted by heimdall. she didn't die in battle, not even of wounds she couldve gotten in that battle, she literally died of exhaustion and cancer, long after the battle was done. unless the laws of the universe count emotional and social battles as valhalla-level battles, then i can only blame this on the high probability of natalie portman's contract with marvel not being done yet.

the trans coding of heimdall's son was so clumsy and badly done it was almost funny. you see, his original name was astrid, a name usually considered feminine - you know, astrid lindgren, astrid from httyd, all women. when thor calls him by his birthname, he says that's not his name anymore and instead he wants to be called axl, like axl rose from guns n roses. thor then says some bullshit like "your father gave you a beautiful viking name and i want to honor his choices", to which axl obviously strongly disagrees and insists on being called his chosen name until thor finally gives in, because he wants to get to the point.

theres probably more to say but i cant be bothered anymore lol

went to see the new thor movie because it was literally either this or dying of boredom at home with no electricity and i gotta say. it was sad to watch. it was painfully obvious that taika waititi tried his best to make it watchable but he only had greenscreen, underpaid vfx artists and extremely strict guidelines at his disposal. the main villain's story didn't even make sense and he was only cool because he was played by christian bale (also he was another one of those marvel villains where you sympathize with their tragic backstory and even agree with their motivations only for them to start randomly killing people and kidnapping orphans so you know they're bad). they tried to cover all of this up by playing a LOT of guns n roses.

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Well my night has gone from bad to worse pretty quick

I’m on mobile so I can’t do a readmore, so I’m sorry if this gets long

I had to sneak into my lil sis’s room for the shop phone just to come here, bc my laptop is screwed up and can’t even reach the windows opening screen and I’ve been waiting an hour.

Also I fell asleep early. Like. 7 something pm early, just avoid my parents bc they sounded like they wanted to yell about how dirty the house was when we basically never stepped into the kitchen, and spent all day cleaning the garage (and I cleaned the bathroom dowstairs, which basically never gets cleaned unless I do it bc it’s my brothers’ bathroom), but idk, maybe I was just being paranoid. I wasn’t having it though, bc my right side still hurts.

Lately I’ve been having more dreams, which I wouldn’t mind if they were cool, like the ones I used to have as a kid, but the one last night involved potential rape, and police not making it in time, and the one I had tonight involved watching a guy die, but then he wasn’t dead and suspected me sneaking around in his house and nearly caught me, before I forced myself to wake up.

I was in the middle of making this post on my computer before it crashed, and now it’s not working.

I don’t have dreams as often anymore, but lately (and I mean for the past few years) my dreams haven’t been good, and I’d rather just never have dreams again if they keep going like this.

[super-rainbows]

Jgeetujvdddghva

[harryisntstraight]

Sorry that was so long i just am feeling very confused about how i identify and i thought maybe you would have some advice or be able to help me out a little? You're always so sweet and kind and im feeling very lost atm. Sorry about only 2 of the asks going through tumblr didnt eat them my phone was just not letting me send them so i had to switch to my computer. You can just read all the asks and reply to just this one on your blog if thats ok? :)

aaww hey i’ll post the rest under a readmore so it doesnt clog ppl dash (soz if ur reading this on mobile jfhsdjh) also i posted the rest of ur ask just bc i feel like there might be ppl who resonate w the whole thing yanno

I've known I liked girls for a few years now and I've always labeled myself as bisexual and I have dated one guy and it was a pretty eh relationship. Didn't feel much so I broke it off. I recently have been really questioning my attraction to men. I feel sexually attracted to some men but not that many. I'll see the occasional guy I find attractive irl but that's pretty rare mostly I find some celebrity men hot but even that is very few when compared to the amount of women I find attractive I just feel like I find all women so beautiful and am attracted to them in this whole different way to men? Like it takes a lot for me to find a guy hot and when I do it's almost never to the degree that I feel for women. And when I think about men romantically it does nothing for me all the cute stuff you're supposed to want I don't? I can think about sex with certain men and find it very appealing and that's it. But when I think about dating a woman and doing really cute mushy stuff with her it feels so right and makes me feel like its all i want? And I can see myself having a wife and being with a woman forever but men just dont really appeal to me in that way i just cant see it? Thing is I've never actually dated a girl so i keep telling myself im kind of making it up in my head how much i want it or how it could be but idk. And i feel sexually attracted to some guys so i think oh but maybe there will be a guy you want all that with? and i just dont know anymore?

firstly hiiii i relate so much to so many things u said here and i feel like this such common experience for women that are into other women. i think for me personally, i’ve always kind of been quite into the idea of not labelling my sexuality specifically. i feel really comfortable with using labels like gay or lgbt or queer as umbrella terms when talking about myself, but referring to myself as bisexual or lesbian never really feels 100% right for me. like you said, i know that i’m attracted to women romantically and sexually so i definitely identify as being lgbt i just always find it difficult to point to one precise label thats more specific. i think in a way, a lot of what your describing is probably down to heteronormativity and a degree of internalised homophobia, like its something that we all have to battle with and deal with daily even on a subconscious level. when being same gender attracted is still seen as ‘abnormal’ i think its only natural to feel weird about that part of yourself and want to repress it slightly. i think being a woman as well we’re so defined by our supposed attraction to men that its hard to get over that and accept that it’s something you dont feel. even if you know if ur heart that loving women is a natural and beautiful thing, when ur constantly surrounded by a society thats so focused on heterosexuality it can be so difficult to accept that part of you no matter how much you want to. i cant tell you how you identify or what the right label is for you but i think just being open and not pressuring yourself into fitting one specific label can actually be really helpful and take a lot of the stress and anxiety away. i think once you stop frantically trying to put a name to what you feel, it gets easier to just....Feel(tm) what youre feeling and sort of go with the flow. not second guessing and analysing my attraction has honestly helped me a lot, if i feel something for someone i sort of just feel it. i try not to get caught up in putting a name on my sexuality, but instead just experience it as it happens. i think its a really natural thing to want to understand yourself and figure out who you are but honestly, you have so much time to do that that if you cant figure it out right now then its not that important. i think as long as you acknowledge your attraction to women and are open to exploring it then not knowing for sure whether or not you also like men isn’t a big deal. i definitely think that experience is helpful to understanding yourself better, once you have that experience it does help solidify things in your mind and i know for myself that once i started being with girls i became 100000% more sure that i wasnt ‘faking’ anything and that i was into them. that being said, it isnt mandatory and not having experience with the same sex doesnt by any means devalue your feelings or sexuality. long story short just give it time, dont stress yourself out too much with forcing a label that you’re unsure about. things will get clearer for eventually and maybe someday you’ll find a label that fits you. and maybe you wont and honestly thats okay too. sexuality is complex as hell and understanding yourself is genuinely a journey, it’s totally okay if you’re only just getting started. hope this helped a bit, love you 💖