#lol am i ever gonna be MY OWN person
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why does everything. Everything depend on my relations with people?
#genuine question l#and im tired of asking this again and again#lol am i ever gonna be MY OWN person#subhi rant#there's nothing to lol im sorry I'll never lol again when talking abt such things ugh#swear nothing's wrong#i was just making a playlist for MYSELF#about how I FEEL on my own but all the songs suggested on here are breakup songs and#like i cant even think of songs to add that i listen that are about feelings different from heartbreaks other ppl cause#which means that i dont listen to such songs.#which means. yeah#my Everything depends on how i treat ppl and how they treat me#sucks#i get that this is not unique to me but like#i wish there was something i could call my own#even my feelings arent mine#ouch.#i wish i had that lil bit of ambition i see in my classmates#it would solve 99% of problems fr#bc then I'll focus on ME#STOPSYOP goodnight
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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okay I'm not expecting anyone to care all that much, but I was looking at the prompts for the 18th Day of Gift-Giving for my Olli/Allu fic advent calendar and I'm between two options on what to do with them, so if anyone out there wants to put in their two cents...
(see the pros and cons in the tags of the original post)
#on one hand i'd like to write a standalone with a storyline of its own#because that way i could probably manage to write a better story#on the other hand i kinda feel like i should focus on the main plot after all the standalones i've posted this week#but if i stick to the main plot my options would be more limited 馃#because i don't feel like making either of them have a random headache/migrain or some kinda personal crisis#just for the sake of the prompt#i know there's barely any plot to begin with but i still don't want to make it too scattered 馃槄#i have an idea that would work alright for the main story and it would probably turn out cute enough#but some of the other prompts that wouldn't really work for the main story are soooooooo tempting#and i mean. at least 4 or 5 of the stories for next week will be related to the main plot#plus the stories for the 16th and the 17th#so there'd still be plenty for that too!#i'm probably gonna make my own decision regardless of the voting result but i'd like to hear from you anyway#i've never made a poll before and i'm kinda nervous about this lol i really am expecting this to get maybe 3 votes max 馃ぁ#i hate how the title is so huge pls don't be annoyed with me i'm sorry for existing i promise i'll never make a post ever again 馃槶#not putting this in any tags. you see this if you see this
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not my online friend trying to have the "not all zionists" conversation with me rn
#we've talked about palestine before and she always takes the most centrist version of israel's side she possibly can lmao#i try very hard to never discuss politics with her but she is literally always the one bringing it up and it throws all my affection for he#out the window. like babe.... i'm jewish... you're not.... why are we even having this conversation besides you trying to prove smth#like an informal conversation is not the place for a fucking political debate and if you're not gonna recognize my pov#why am i even still friends with you.#it does make me genuinely sad but if i have to have this conversation again i may well and truly just block her#like she apparently has another jewish friend who seems to side heavily with zionist values (lol) but still acts like a centrist#so ik that's where she's getting the majority of her viewpoints from and it's so fucking grating like you're talking to another jew rn#why would i ever want to support nationalism of any kind when that's what lead to the fucking holocaust#why would you ever be lenient on a group of people who are actively commiting a genocide#i seriously just. like it makes me sick to my stomach that i even have someone in my life who doesn't get it#and i don't even know what to say like my 'i don't wanna be mean to a friend' shit is taking over#especially when she's not the kind of person i can just say anything to. we're not close like that unfortunately#so i've just been in limbo hoping she isn't gonna talk about it but i'm gonna have to put aside our friendship if she does this again#bc i'm not gonna be friends with someone who outright doesn't listen to me saying that my own people commiting a genocide hurts me#just because she wants to be one of those 'well this 'conflict' shouldn't be happening bc it's hurting innocent people :('#this is why i hate having any convos about this with people who haven't been politically engaged with palestine before the end of last yr#like my brother also doesn't fully get the scope of it but at least HE knows that israel (and even the concept of it) is evil and racist#sigh.
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馃樅
#i haven't addressed yoongi's situation yet because i'm honestly still not hit by it i guess. like it didnt gwt to me yet#i dont think ill ever love anyone the same as i love him you know what i mean#he has been the first reason of my self development. like he literally raised me??? i learned from him how to be the person i am today#and its like im saying goodbye to a family member. the thing is i have never griefed anyone's absence like this#its like a part of my soul will be missing until he comes back#but at the same time i know what he would want for me. to move on and to become my own reason#he would want me to be kind to myself. to focus on myself and not miss him that much.#he would want that for all of us right#but i have a very hard time processing things. do you guys remeber the festa last year? when we found out theyll be going on hiatus#the reality of it snd the fact that it will be happening hit me onky after around 3 months.#thats when i first cried because i realized what it meant. ofc i knew but it didnt occur to the emotional part of my brain at that time#and i feel like im truly gonna fall apart when THIS hits me in 3 months lol#my life has never been worse and thats honestly the time when i need the reassurance the most#when i need the people i love and find comfort in the most.#but its just me and thats technically just my problem. but since i am talking about my view on this then thats okay i guess hahah anyway#i just hope he knows there are milions of ppl who love him as much as i do. and thats like extra love like forever & beyond type of shit#i honestly dont think other people ever truly fully understand how we feel towards them. especially when you really love somebody#because they have their own opinions about themselves. they debate whether they deserve some kind of treatment or not. we all do that right#and i just know he does that too. i just reslly want him to feel completely loved and cherished and appreciated.#i want him to see himself through our eyes. to surround himself with people who see him exactly the way we do.#to fall in love with somebody who will see him like we see him#nobody deserves better life than this man. and i hope that after our reunion he will live that life to the fullest 馃挀 i can't wait to see it#anyway. if somebody needs to talk about it or wants to get sadness out of your system - im here 馃挀#please keep your heads up and lets wait for him 馃挀#we have esch other and we will be okay 馃挀#sorry for typos i can barely see its 1am 馃
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 馃槶馃槶馃槶#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.
#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol#anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly#but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size#acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years#and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating#(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive#when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well#and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom#and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao#like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is#anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333#god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by#but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr#anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.
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happy eurovison!! do your stretches!!!
babe it's been days since i did my stretches at this point im too scared
#in my defence idk WHAT was going on with my sunday shift bc i only waitressed 7 hours and that's a pretty normal shift for me#like im aware compared to a normal person it would be very difficult to just out of nowhere expect them to be on their feet#walking back and forth the entire length of a restaurant regularly carrying heavy things all the while keeping up ABOVE AND BEYOND socially#for SEVEN ENTIRE HOURS with ZERO BREAK like masking that entire time on top of the 7 hour physical workout#like it's insane if u think about it for more than 2 seconds and im really trying to bc every time i falter i beat the shit out of myself#and like? NO? my job is actually very physically demanding and emotionally draining compared to most people's day-to-day activity#it's gonna have impacts sometimes!#so yeah long story short i finished my shift sunday and when i tell you my legs LOCKED UP in bed that night#like mainly my thighs but it was all in my hips and knees and it was so bad that i lay there until 2am before getting painkillers#bc i couldnt hack it#which is SAYING SOMETHING for me bc im normally both quite good with pain and also a hardass for taking painkillers#ive had that happen once before (again after waitressing lol) & never worried about it but my mum recently got diagnosed with arthritis#and ever since ive been like. Looking at my own joints any time they even HINT at playing up#like i am RENOWNED for inhereting all of my mum's medical shit from mental to physical like i KNOW i'll get it it's just a matter of when#and yeah that was sunday it's now tuesday and my thighs STILL feel bruised#and im like. embarassed about it bc it's not like i did anything spectacular? and idk why it's happening?#yeah idk hiiii rori did u like me ranting about my physical health in ur stretch reminder ask sorry do u still think im hot <3#ask
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yeah ok so this girl from my school is going to the fucking oscars. and presenting. like ok!
#what the fuck ever man not jealous at all or anything#i mean idk what she's presenting really but the fact that she's even involved!!! hello!!!#not discounting her work she's incredible but. she was also forced into a lot of stuff by this insane guy in our program#who totally totally creates his own legion of nepo babies#like! she's great but im also sitting here soooo bitter like. i could have done that. i just wasnt one of the hand selected people last#summer that this guy worked with. despite applying several times to work with him and now having met and interviewed with him#for a position i probably wont get cause he's gonna pick the most annoying evil insufferable girl instead just cause he knows her#she will absolutely not be a better representative of our school than i would be. im a really great speaker lol. and am generally charming#she has the personality of like. a fucking leech. she's terrible#and it's like do i want to work for this guy for a month while trying to get something out of this trip no but do i think im good enough#to deserve his backing like yeah. i was a better producer than one of his wunderkind lol.#wow ok sorry this is truly showing how cutthroat we little film kids will get i guess. it's just bullshit#you'd have to know this guy he's notorious with everybody in the film/english department#he could NEVER be my bestie prof. but my bestie prof also doesnt have all the same connections. but who cares he's also not the most#annoying guy on the planet#abby talks
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#focus who? i dont kno her#its so bad. i csnt focus at all. and ive got way too much to do. take me back to last week where i spent hours reading papers#annoying. also possibly lack of sleep cstching up with me#do u ever get very little sleep and not miss it at all? yea bitch all the time. then i get depressed and its sleepy time#and by sleepy time i mean i get like 8hrs of sleep lol#maybe ill just do nothing and completely fuck over my sunday lol#maybe i should go run up thr mountain rn before im stuck in a car for 2 hrs#bc im getting spikes of being insane. unfortunately i have no emotional object permanence so when i feel crazy its like#ive always felt like this ans its terrible forever. and then immediately afterward im like lol wot? nah im fine. ive always been fine#shout out to mood swings 鉁岋笍 like bro im trying to get materials together so i can teach a class. can u shut the fuck up? and focus?#well see how i do today with a ton of socializing. itll b fine. im normal i can b normal#or i can b endearing quirky. or whatever i usually i am. i dont think i have conversations like a normal person but i cant tell bc im not#there for conversations im not in. whatever everyone else has conversations in a way thats boring. i just wanna grill ppl til i understand#how they work. and then feel like im gonna die if im in a group conversation 馃檭 let me study thr ppl around me#bc im very normal. god. i promise irl im not that weird. ppl think im nice and cool and successful#ok maybe not cool. but i think i can get away with being interesting. i got at least a lil charisma. im only a bit horribly awkward ;-]#but i try to own it. wtf was i saying. jesus. i cant with my brain rn. i shoulf have gone for a run this morning#being social just makes me anxious so im babbling i guess. but itll b fun. and itll b pretty im sure#maybe ill try to draw my ocs while im not paying attention. ive neglected them for so long 馃槶#unrelated
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god the duality between 'I don't want someone in my house' and 'yeah I'd like my own kids and no way I'm doing that alone'
#like ppl who don't want kids should be free to live their lives without ppl being like 'watch out! your biological clock is ticking!'#that's bullshit ppl shouldn't say that. but also. i would like kids and#after so many years trying not to get pregnant and that seeming like a worst case scenario. so desperately wanting to not become my parents#now i am an age where I'd happily have a kid if i were in the right life situation & i don't feel I've got all the time in the world anymore#lol like. the space in between 'too young to have a baby' and 'old enough that i risk more health issues/ will be an older parent'#feels way way narrower than i ever would have assumed lol. esp. because all the parents in my family are so young. the idea of being an#older parent is so strange to me. I'm so aware of the things you can't do when you're older and how it's harder work to run after them#and like my body is already wearing out way faster than anyone elses. my health's only gonna get worse so.#being an older parent just doesn't seem an option. not to mention like. the older i am the less generations I'll get to see.#i want to be a great grandmother damnit. lol.#like I'm on a clock. to get over my commitment issues or it legit won't happen. but yeah. can't think of anything worse than having#to have someone in my house. if i was rich enough to have lots of space that's one thing but. I'm not lol.#and rich ppl rub me up the wrong way whenever they try and chat me up so doubt I'm gonna marry in to money looool#like i have come to terms with the fact that. if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. id rather not get to be a mother than to settle#like that whole 'looking for a partner' dating life is not for me i can't think of anything worse. if it happens it happens#I'll either meet the right person who im willing to give up an empty house for or i won't looool#and it's not like im giving up the whole raising kids thing completely.#like I've got to play a significant hand in raising my siblings even if i didn't ask for that. I've got to see them grow and#help them reach those milestones. and whatever the circumstances I'm blessed to have had them in my life#even if i don't have my own kids I'm always gonna have kids in my life even if I'm an aunt rather than grandmother you know#I'm lucky to be in a family where raising kids is a communal thing. but yeah id love to have my own kids & have someone that looks like me#but I'm not willing to bring someone in to the world in non opportune circumstances deliberately.#like if it's up to me i want them to have 2 parents to look out for them and 2 parents that at least stand a chance of liking each other lol
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I just wanna say thank you for reblogging all the stuff spreading awareness of recent antisemitism that you have recently. You are the only person I follow who isn't jewish who I've seen do so at all (Unless I'm mistaken and you are jewish too). I know not everyone is aware of every single bad thing happening in the world at any moment, and don't think people HAVE to reboot about negative events or whatever, but how much you seem to care really warms my heart and reassures me we aren't alone (Unless, once again, I am mistaken and you are jewish)
馃憤but nah i'm not jewish, just pissed off
#doing the talking for this one IN the tags bc i would really rather be answering this privately lol#feels so weirdly like. performative. to say it out in the open but whatver#i just have so much. anger. abt this shit#every time i turn around and learn about some random history/culture event or fixture its like#'oh yeah and originally this got started to shit on jewish ppl' and its just like how is this so deeply fucking ingrained in everything#and like i'm black so. without trying to compare the two too directly for obvious reasons#i do in some ways understand the thing with the whole system being slanted against you like that#AGAIN not comparing 1:1 because the history of jews being scapegoated for everything ever and always getting the shit end of the stick#is like leagues apart and beyond stuff thats gone down w/ blacks' histories#but i get the infuriation and the sting of people just. not fucking caring or even NOTICING The Issues#to be clear i am unbelievably sheltered and ignorant about like every culture ever+ usually unmotivated to search things out on my own#so endless thanks to my jewish friends/mutuals for just bein themselves and passively keeping me like. informed.#abt basics for not being antisemitic and how to respect jewish culture#cause god knows im not gonna hear it out in everyday society or whatever#yeag. and anyway i also have personal beef#from being raised christian and having to get away from [gestures broadly at the whole of christian teachings]#and im like. you killed people for this? to do things this badly? you stomped out their culture and practices to bring THIS into the world?#literally fuck off and die nothing you taught me is even a fraction as... idk. rewarding? as the fragments ive seen of jewish culture#rewarding or like. hopeful or meaningful maybe. its hard to put an exact word to it but to speak it more directly-#i am Wildly Misanthropic but whenever i learn stuff about jewish culture im like.#you know if these sorts of ideals were more widespread i probably wouldn't hate humanity so much.#[i also feel this way abt native americans but thats a whole ass other thing.]#[similarly seeing people whose ideals i also value being consistently treated like shit tends to just fuel the misanthropy soooooo...]#its like these are the people who actually know how to live and this is what the greater populace thinks of them? lmao ok#[to be clear i live in the usa so you can imagine the kind of culture im Actually exposed to lolllll]#at any rate reblogging a post on social media really feels a negligble gesture but im glad it's appreciated nonetheless
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Idk why i expect charitability from ppl who probably listen to whatever their staple favorite left-leaning video essayists says about the Other Leftists they dont like and takes it to heart and doesnt form their own opinion with the information provided (or the information specifically and intentionally left out to make the person look the worst that they can) just kinda does whatever that persons says because Its Probably Correct
I mean, theyre "on the left" and uses all the words you like, nevermind what their intentions or long terms goals are or how thatd reasonably be practiced irl or if it'd actually hurt the general cause of progressives and make things even more divisive and worse bc they value being petty more than actually having any values.
#yall be like 'i better go watch this black person who believes in racial separatism and take everything they say to heart and not form my#own opinion because the Correct Thing To Do is to let every minority im not say shit that would only help nazis in the long run Because Im#Not That Minority So Clearly I Have No Stake In This'. like idk. its one thing to pretend you understand every thing about a certain#minorities experience that you dont have. its a whole other thing to actually challenge people on their beliefs. and if the person you#are challenging cant give you a good enough answer or dodges or gets MAD at you for even asking - you should probably avoid them or at the#very least not just believe every fucking thing they say and never come to your own conclusions on shit.#people are supposed to have the critical thinking ability to have their beliefs challenged and give you an actual answer#theyre supposed to want you to understand. theyre supposed ro be able to explain it to people who dont understand#and arent in the same spaces enough to understand. if you cant explain to me why racial separatism is somehow Ideal then why should#i listen to you. just to do whatever you say no questions asked or else im bad and very problematic?#like how am i supposed to take this kinda person seriously when they go around calling shark3ozero the c word and other#racist shit. like you're not serious lol. you have no issue just acting like the people who disagree with you on something are just purely#bigots.#when the people you attack are far more on your side than the fucking republicans who yall barely even mention. which is interesting.#anyways if you believe in dividing everyone by race understand that thats LITERALLY what white supremacists want. that is Not the ideal#world for me. idk about you. and if you understand this and still follow me gtfo of here#you're a dipshit and prolly an accelerationist and i dont have time for your bullshit and likely nihilism.#you're gonna end up killing yourself thinking the world is only ever against you and everyone who disagrees w you is a bigot.#and i dont mean necessarily actually putting up a noose i just mean you're gonna isolate yourself SO MUCH from other ppl and stay only in#your one little space. that if you ever lose that space for whatever reason you'll be left alone w no help.#or you'll isolate yourself so much and stay inside forever and be hella paranoid in grocery stores thinkin everyone there Wants To Kill You#and im not gonna act like ik whats in the mind of someone who believes in racial separatism. that was more of an example. but i can try#to understand and i can tell that someone has to go through a lot of bs to think thats the only solution. im not trying to downplay why ppl#might think thats the best option. but really its the same shit w terfs and cis men and it kinda seems like its a solution born from trauma#with convoluted justifications for why its Fine actually#thats how it looks from my angle rn. if thats not the case and you feel like its different im always willing to hear different angles on#stuff. im never married to my positions as im not exactly a static person who never changes.#id say thats quite the opposite of my Whole Thing
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Thank god I'm retaking my cell bio class online because there's no way I'm wasting energy, time, and gas on commuting to that hellish campus twice a week
#Words#Personal#I'm still annoyed that I have to redo this shit#But at least this time around I actually know the material and I can go at my own pace#Idgaf though this time I'm graduating like this is the last time I'm ever doing a biology class#Idk what the hell I'm gonna do afterwards#Hopefully I'm able to get a job so I can resume business shit again#Because I've had to put that on hold for months now#School has gotten in the way of so much it's time to leave#Even though it would've been nice to graduate this semester#And tbh I should've considering how ridiculously close I was to passing#If I pass this time I'll graduate during spring when it's warm out#And I won't have some dusty ass winter graduation#Seasonal depression still hit this year#Not as hard but it was still there#Anyway it's midnight and I need to sleep before I find myself going to bed at 3 AM again lol goodnight
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I didn't really sleep much at alllll last night....like...i "went to bed" finally at like 6:30 am....i have to work at 8 am. I can't tell if its the medication, or just my own dumb brain keeping me up at night. I've always had problems falling asleep, not staying asleep, but falling asleep.
#personal#i am so tired#it could be the meds? they are a stimulant#but it could just be my own dumb insomnia brain#brain won't shut up the most at night time.#like#i couldn't sleep at 6:30am because my brain wanted me to know what 300 divided by 8 was and would not let me rest til i whipped out my calc#and it's always shit like this.#maybe i do have OCD lmao looping repeating thoughts in my head that i cannot contril#*control#thats actually what landed me in therapy when i was a teen.#couldn't sleep because my brain was telling me that i was gonna kill myself in my sleep??? I was not necessarily suicidal but i was scared#and like#so my whole 4 years of therapy i was concerned about being bipolar because my mom and her father are and its genetic#and on the fuckin LAST session ever my therapist was like 'yeah i don't think you are bipolar as much as i think you have OCD'#AND THEN NO MORE THERAPY EVER AGAIN AFTER THAT CUZ I WAS 18 AND KICKED OFF MOM'S INSURANCE LOL#over the last like 5 years i've analyzed that and hmmm might be onto something there lmao
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can i be hypocritical for a second
#shut up hanna#she says she doesn't want to hear people talking about him and then makes a post to talk about him. sorry here we go#i don't think a lot of the people obsessed with tommy are fully examining WHY they are so obsessed with him#because i'm not gonna say they're necessarily racist but i do think that they hold these implicit biases in favor of white people#(biases which poc can absolutely hold as well)#(why do you think so many poc exclusively date white ppl and then chalk it up to personal preferences)#which is why this guy that has barely had any screentime now has entire blogs dedicated to him and is getting defended by people in the#fandom in a way gay poc characters like michael and hen never were.#and you could say okay hanna well what about josh! he's a white gay man and people don't obsess over him!#and that's true and likely because a) he is not kissing buck and b) you can't attach a repression storyline to him#which is another thing people in fandom seem to gravitate towards. men with internalized homophobia.#another thing that seems to stem from these implicit biases in favor of masculinity in gay men#which now come to think of it is only enhanced by his whiteness. bc god if tommy wasn't white??? y'all would be saying the nastiest shit#which i know because it is the shit you say about eddie when you try to spin the narrative that he's homophobic. bc he's latino.#but no because tommy is a white man with previous internalized homophobia it's a beautiful tragic backstory#and you can watch the beautiful story of a masculine man becoming vulnerable and it's the most amazing thing you've ever seen in your life#and the amount of screentime this man has gotten does not warrant the amount of attention and obsession he's garnered#so i truly do think the only reason anyone would be such a big fan of his is because of their own implicit biases regarding#whiteness and masculinity#which if that was something these people would actually acknowledge and own up to? then i don't think i'd have a problem with them#and i'd be hypocritical (lol) if i said i don't also hold these biases and they seep into my fandom interests#but i'm willing to sit down and think hmm why am i acting this way about this character and should i be trying to reshape my thinking.#instead of doubling down and calling everyone that talks shit about my obsession homophobic no matter the context of their shit talking#i feel like i have more to say but i can't remember now and also i hope this makes sense bc i'm so lightheaded rn i need to eat dinner
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