#lol I have one of those students in my transition program now

[esperantoauthor]

There is a very particular sort of satisfaction that an educator experiences when they are able to pull their class back from the very brink of total nuclear meltdown. Today was one of those days and I don't know why, but I want to write about it.

I have this one class that is very small, they've been in school together so long that they relate more like siblings than classmates, and they all struggle with regulating their emotions. I always say they are like dominoes; if one falls, they all fall (i.e. if one gets upset, the others will soon follow suit until all three are yelling/crying/taking a break outside/furiously sitting in the corner).

Today I walked in and was warned that one student had just returned from the Dean's office and the morning had not gone well. The second comes in late and immediately begs to use the bathroom, when he came back was begging to eat his snack (which we don't allow during this time, they can snack right after) and when he was told "no" immediately got frustrated and soon was in tears.

We managed to get him calmed down (the teacher talked to him outside) and I try to present the activity with as much enthusiasm as I can muster after the already shaky start. One, then the other, complain that this isn't what they want to do today and that we should take a vote. This happens somewhat regularly but thankfully they are pretty easy to redirect. They also get ruder and ruder, which then leads to further redirection from the adults, such as me telling my student not to call me "little girl." The teacher ends up reviewing the expectations and that I get to pick the activity for our speech group. I remind them that in the past they have complained whenever the activity is something they haven't tried before but that they nearly always end up liking it. One of them complains, "I don't like sentences!" and I reassure him that I won't ask him to read. This is a group for whom reading is incredibly, incredibly difficult.

Then...through some type of magic, when I pull up the activity the students immediately start volunteering to read. In fact, they are practically crawling over one another to read. "I want to do this sentence" "No it's my turn!" and me having to remind them to take turns and let the other one try. It was the most unexpected turnaround I've seen in quite some time. I felt so happy at the end of the lesson. The students were beaming and proud of themselves, they not only completed the activity I'd planned but they went above and beyond. It was the best reading I'd seen from either of them.

Today was a good day.

[lgbtq-history-museum-cfl-intern]

Am I What I Am?

How often do you feel “Imposter Syndrome”?

Imposter Syndrome is that feeling like you’re somehow not qualified for what you’re doing.

That even though you’ve been invited into a space, you somehow don’t belong there.

Like you’ve tricked everyone into thinking that you’re, say, a public historian, and now they’re just letting you design an entire exhibit!

Okay, so by now you can probably tell this is personal (lol).

My last post definitely gave away some of this brewing self-doubt, but I remained positive. However, I had one day where it all overwhelmed me at once.

That happens as students with everything going on PLUS school. As a student living with disabilities, I carry the extra load of the maintenance work that comes with chronic health conditions, and this was just one of those weeks when I had to balance my academic responsibilities with a wad of follow-up appointments and testing!

So, it all just felt like too much for a day and the imposter syndrome sunk in as I was preparing for the meeting with the Board. It was so bad that I questioned whether I even wanted to keep pursuing public history anymore! The field I have been actively building relationships and experience in for over 2 years now!

I know I’m not the only one who has been there, though. If you’re doing things right, you’re frequently entering spaces where you question your place until it becomes familiar.

Well, you can imagine my relief when I met the rest of the board, and they were incredibly warm and inviting. And to top it off, they were all very excited about what I brought to the table! They gave great feedback and suggestions giving me direction as I transition into the writing and design process.

The pressure I have felt this semester to impress is all my own because everyone around me has only been happy with my work and encouraging about my ideas.

After reflecting, I found that as an Interdisciplinary Studies major, I find it intimidating speaking to fellow students or professors who’ve specialized in History for years (or literally any of the disciplines I’ve covered in my degree program like sociology and anthropology, or humanities and Latin American Studies.)

And so there I was, in a room with incredibly smart and experienced individuals, most of whom I’d never met, about to present my research and exhibit idea for the first time. You hear the word “Board” and titles like “Doctor” and as a student, you can feel so inexperienced in just the worst ways.

However, something to remember in moments like these is that sometimes we build others up in our heads as figures to look up to. And yes, they may be accomplished and admirable people; And yes, we should respect them, but they are just people.

I think if we try to reframe these “figures” in our lives - humanize them, remembering that although they are professionally your superior, they’re normal people too – we can overcome some of that imposter syndrome.

They were in your shoes once, just starting their career and perhaps with less ground under their feet.

They can be just as endeared by your accomplishments as you are by theirs.  

So, the next time you’re nervous about meeting with that potential mentor whose positive reputation and track record overwhelm you with excitement and anxiety, remember: They also misplace their files; their emails also get stuck in their outbox/drafts; They also fumble with their materials; They also forget that one very important thing they needed today.

So, claim your place and remember you are where you’re meant to be!

Thanks for following along 😊

[whentherewerebicycles]

okay well i ended up working on work projects from 7:30-11 but i got a ton of stuff done! here’s what i did:

I created a detailed document I’m going to use with one of my coworkers to map out all of the existing resources we use with students + to generate an ambitious wishlist of resources (handouts, workshops, guides, etc.) we’ve seen a need for. i am hoping that we can use this document to rank our priorities, set specific goals for the summer and the fall quarter, then develop a detailed project plan so we can divide up research and creation tasks between ourselves, our incoming program manager, and our student workers. 

I created an external grants spreadsheet to organize my research on external funding opportunities. right now i am tracking the following: the name of the organization or foundation, categories/names of grants we might be eligible for, examples of recently funded projects & award amounts, and a notes section where i’m just jotting down ideas for specific initiatives we either have or want to develop that seem relevant to the org’s grantmaking priorities. i added three entries today (all Mellon grants) and am going to try blocking out an hour on my calendar once or twice a week to add more entries. my office has been so understaffed for so long that they haven’t had a specific point person to think about external grants... so i’ve volunteered to be that person or to at least explore the possibility of being that person + have had my boss help me set up meetings with various people across campus to figure out what that might look like. anyway i want to do a bunch of research in advance so i’m coming into those meetings more prepared. 

i spent some time trying to map out my areas of focus/responsibility by hand... got a little distracted here as the process of mapping sparked a bunch of new ideas & i wasn’t very good at corralling myself back to the task at hand. but i can FEEL myself starting to build out my mental schema of what this job is going to entail. this is such an improvement over the way i felt at the end of my first week (totally overwhelmed & info-overloaded). as i move forward this summer i want to consciously carve out time for those types of mindmapping exercises where i’m actually making myself sort, categorize, and cluster incoming info & possible projects around my major areas of responsibility, which i would say are loosely: 1) student development; 2) faculty development and curricular integration, 3) assessment & reporting, 4) strategic leadership, planning, and advocacy, and 5) developing external partnerships (including securing external funding). i think the big big leap for me in this job is going to be figuring out how to establish priorities and create feasible work plans for myself and for my direct reports so that we are consistently making progress across all five areas of responsibility. i’m the type of person who can so easily get absorbed into a passion project & sink all of my time/energy into it even when there are more urgent things to be done... so i want to just be really conscious about setting aside time each week to step wayyyy back from my day-to-day work, assess how i’ve been distributing my time and energy, and adjust if needed. i am REALLY looking forward to hiring my program manager because i think it will be a huge help to be able to split up some of these big projects based on our areas of expertise, so that i’m in more of a monitoring & feedback role on some of this stuff. i hope we get someone good!!! the application pool looks really strong so fingers crossed!!!

okay okay. i can feel myself transitioning from flow state into that Manic Work Mode where i get all revved up & wild-eyed in a way that is probably not good for my overall stress levels lol. that was a good way to spend the morning (i have satisfied my inner ‘But Shouldn’t I Work on a Project So I Don’t Feel Aimless & Discontented?’ impulses) but i am now officially DONE with work for the day. now i think i will go lie in bed and decompress by mindlessly scrolling for 20 min or so... then i want to do a long (90 min) podcast walk with the dogs, after which i think i will gently urge myself to head back out for a quick ~10 min mile run. then i will shower and get dressed! and eat lunch! and drive to the park to hammock & read with my sister sometime in the mid to late afternoon!

[jaywhere]

im about to drop so much unnecessary information but i think i need to like write this down and get it out of my system bc i dont think ive ever actually like put it on paper all in one place but

i went to graduate school in like 2019 i already knew a bunch of the profs in the program and id promised myself that if i got into this program specifically i would bite the bullet and transition bc it was going to be the cheapest option so id actually have the money and i would have at least some social support bc id be close to home and like. yadda yadda transitioning is bad grad school is toxic you end up spending like 8-12 hours a day with 30 random high achieving people and its Bad, trans stuff was not the only thing that everyone was bad about.

i have been trying very hard recently to find like joy in being a man and loving myself and all that extremely gay shit but back then i was this like tightly wound ball of anxiety and insecurity and transitioning in that environment while not knowing a single other trans person irl was kind of unhinged of me and i dont mean to sound like an asshole but i did graduate with a 4.0 and im good at my fucking job now despite all that shit and i am extremely brave and awesome for that. and i could spend a lot of time talking about how all of that fucking psychologically fucked me up but i am here today to talk about one specific person who at the time i made a lot of excuses for but looking back on it im. i just need to write it out lmfao.

so i went to grad school not for fun academic reasons but bc my current profession is like one of those things where u gotta have a special license and training and all that jazz, not gonna doxx myself but u get it. one of the pieces of that is u have to get a certain number (like Many Hundreds) of direct hours practicing how to do this job, usually on site at the university for the first year and then externally as a graduate intern at some kind of real world job site. some programs make you find your own internships but mine was one where we were directly assigned -- a thing my anxious undiagnosed adhd ass was specifically looking for lol -- and there was one lady who was in charge of finding those placements and picking out which student goes where. she also had minimal teaching responsibilities where we had a 1-hour long lecture with her once a week and it was extremely pointless everything else im about to say aside this lady was either sleep deprived all the time or really just not very smart

so you know me, baby trans, publicly transitioning in this toxic environment, constant microaggressions from my peers -- dear lord one time this lady in her 40s with like kids who used to be in the military made me sit with her in grad work room and explain to her what rights exactly i think i dont have as a trans person a lady from the fucking MILITARY who was enlisted in the fucking DONT ASK DONT TELL ERA and then i just had to move on and sit there for like three hours studying -- christ!!! anyways it was not great but this particular professor would literally constantly misgender me in her class, like to the fucking point where i had other students point it out like "why does she do that like youre not even raising your hand" and it became this whole thing where i was like. fuck do i need to sit in the back and even though my adhd ass really needs to be in the front do i need to just start loudly interrupting her so she feels as embarrassed as i do or am i gonna get in trouble for that can i ask other students to help me out JOKES ON YOU i tried that and it did not fucking work for like 8 different reasons

so i eventually just started trying to interrupt her and tbh it made her do it more frequently and draw even more attention to myself and i honestly would have just started skipping the class if it wouldnt have flunked me and you know how theres that whole thing they do in academia (other minority postbach homies will understand) where theyre like "well you say this thing is due to [minority status] but you didnt clearly communicate to us your needs why are you only telling us now" and its like i dont fucking know what about any of this situation (massive power difference between me and a prof, ability of prof to literally end my career before it starts, ability to make my life so miserable i get depressed and completely stop functioning only to say im not "cut out" for your highly selective program) makes academics think anybody is gonna feel okay communicating openly and honestly with them. so i never fucking complained like a chump just jay out here living in literal hell all the time always

and then she gives us these. god awful fucking case study type presentations. they are based on real people, one of them is trans. i wasnt assigned to the group that had that case but i got this awful feeling about it so i read through it and the whole thing was so fucking awful, like calling this poor trans woman's name a pseudonym bc its not her birth name, giving really inappropriate details about like gential surgeries which were really not relevant, super outdated language like we're just throwing the word transsexual around and defining "passing" wrong, i'm pretty sure misgendering this poor lady just to be like "well JUST to be CLEAR she (he) is really a MAN"

and like setting aside how awful that made me feel because, you know. looking back on it that's what literally everyone around me was thinking about me all thrle time. i had this whole conversation with myself where i was like. i have not complained i dont want to rock the boat i have approached literally every interaction ive had here trying to be a fucking model minority and it is straight up killing me a little. but i cannot let my classmates think this is an acceptable way to talk about trans people. shit that happens to me is my choice, shit that impacts others is not.

so i made an office hours appt with this lady. there was no fucking way to casually talk to her so it was like formal appt a week in advance felt like i was gonna throw up for days and i walk in psyching myself up to be so nice and helpful and understanding i just want to learn this shit and get my fucking degree. i explain so nicely like hey this maybe isnt the best. i wouldnt feel good if someone talked about me this way. i know it must be hard to find resources about trans people. we're so niche. id be happy to help you find another resource. we could maybe even salvage this one, or we could use it as-is and also talk about why all these things are bad. i dont want to take away everyones opportunity to learn about trans people, its so valuable and important, i just want it to he good info. i was so fucking -- i do not think i could have behaved better

and anyways here are some things this lady said to me during this meeting: oh yeah i thought when you made this appt it might be about this. she misgendered me like three fucking times -- how the hell do you even do that in a 1-1 conversation??? -- and acted like she didnt notice every. fucking. time. she did it. lady had the gall to like brag??? complain???? to me about how she ignores the emails she gets from turning point usa like WOW THAT MUST BE SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU...ignoring emails...dear god, the moxie! (foreshadowing) and then admits that she knew the resource might have been shitty when she assigned it but felt assured that i would come to her and let her know if it was bad. which to this day makes me so fucking angry i spent so many hours freaking out about that meeting NOT FUCKING STUDYING -- and the whole fucking program was so vocal about racial/ethnic diversity and disability she would have immediately realized how inappropriate that sentiment is if it had been about NEARLY ANY OTHER MINORITY GROUP!!! and then she fucking is like "well ill just scrap it and we wont talk about trans people at all" and i kept pushing like hey no, hey no, please dont do that, dont let all these people graduate without having to have this conversation just once. and she was like eh and i OFFERRED to find someone to try and come give a fucking training (that didnt involve a fucking privledge walk and extensive discussion of the word womyn god i hate universities so much!!!!!!) and she was like uhh maybe and i immediately fucking went and found some folks to do it ANYWAYS bc i was struggling so much

and then covid hit like two weeks later and none of that mattered anyways!

i then lost all of my opportunities to get hours on campus (while other folks were able to continue virtually). it was entirely random but it was extremely shitty considering id gotten fewer hours in the fall bc the program had just relocated and there were all of these resource issues. i was meant to be included in an intensive project over the summer where i'd get a ton of hours because of the focus area i'd chosen, but i ended up getting less than half the hours that had been projected bc we had to do it virtually. so i ended out my first year of grad school with something like 85 hours out of 400. i wasnt in close contact with all my classmates but as far as i could tell i was definitely on the lower end in my cohort.

the semester starts in like august and this lady does not give me an internship placement until late october. i am literally the last person to be placed along with my classmate who shared the internship site with me.

in addition, the location and setting in which i am placed. i live in a major city in texas -- not awesome but i do not feel actively unsafe out in the world and there are visibly trans people Around. she assigned me to the kind of location where pulling into the wrong driveway as a visibly queer or nonwhite person can get you shot. and its a setting for trans people that is, i would say, at significantly higher risk of getting you fired or written about in fox news.

its august. i have been on t for about a year, but i hadnt had top surgery yet. and im likr 5'1 and kinda chubby. i have just started to reliably pass but its very context dependent and i have to put a Lot of work in.

this lady hasnt seen me since february. no one from the program has. she straight up does not think i pass. as she made abundantly clear to me.

not once did she ever try to contact me to let me know who of the people id be working with knew i was trans, give me any advice on how to approach the situation, or offer me literally any kind of support.

i have thought about this a lot over the years, because at the end of the day nothing ended up happening. i spent like an hour and a half every day driving to this internship fucking STRAPPED in my binder so i ended up wearing it for like at least 10 hours a day for months. i had to show my id to the front desk staff every time i went in and they would print me out a sticker i was supposed to wear with my deadname and my picture from my license where i was very clearly a woman. id have to wear just long enough to leave the office and immeditely strip it off in the hallway and discreetly throw it away before my supervisor saw, because i quickly INFERED that my supervisors did not know i was trans. the front office ladies would whisper about me every day. i was literally constantly on edge worrying when she shoe was gonna drop and my supervisors or the site admin or a client would find out and i'd get kicked out of the internship.

and this lady had spent so long yelling at us about how she cannot guarantee that youll graduate on time if you turn down an internship and you go on the bottom of the list for a new placement if you get kicked out and if you have to stay to get more hours you have to pay for a whole other semester of hours. i was already behind bc of covid.

i want to make it clear that in hindsight i understand that this was discrimination, quite obviously actually. at best it was straught negligence and at worst outright retaliation. at the time i really thought about complaining to the director or making a title ix complaint but i knew they were just going to blame it on covid. and if i went through and made a complaint and they completely agreed and removed me from the site, covid would be a great excuse to not give me another placement right anyway so either way i was just. boned.

my next placement was a lot safer thankfully but it was at the exact same setting as before. which, you know, not the best setting for trans people and the way this job works out, if you don't get practice hours in a specific setting its really hard to make the shift after graduation. i ended up getting a job at this place after actually which is great but its like. i got shut out of this whole area of my field. and that is NOT typical, even with covid most of the people in the class got more varied placements than i did. like ive told people in my field about getting two of the same type of job site and they were like "wait you can do that and graduate" and like a ton of people dont even WANT to have varied placements bc they already know exactly where they want to working im sobbing. like ive been trying to get into the one area of my field where we work with trans people and its so hard bc i just dont have any of these foundational experiences i need for that!!!

and now i am. screaming im screaming no im moving out of state bc we are getting to the point where if i stay here and things get any worse im going to be able to get charged with a sex crime for pissing at my place of employment and lose my fucking license or just have to explain it to every fucking landlord and licensing board for the rest of my life forever and like. just like the placement, is it likely to happen? probably not. but i dont deserve to live in the fear of losing my livelihood every day!!

so im in the process of leaving the damn state bc its not fucking safe for me. and the state im moving to needs this fucking paper filled out by my graduate program saying im competent to do this damn job and i did all the hours which is so fucking stupid bc they GRADUATED ME with a fucking 4.0!! and i have emailed this lady twice trying to get her to fill out the damn paper and she has not responded

im just like. so tired. i thought so hard about filing a complaint with the chair or title ix. i didnt, because i didnt wanna "burn the bridge" or whatever and i wasnt gonna win anyways. like i knew it would just be me having to relive all that shit and getting told i didnt advocate for myself well enough and its actually my fault AND I WAS PROBABLY RIGHT lets be real but i am like. regretting not doing that bc then at least there would be a paper trail.

i had like a whole fucking freak out today realizing that this lady 100% has the power to put me through that exact same awful insidious kind of discrimination that's so hard to meaningfully prove and its making me feel out of control. i know im putting the cart before the horse it is just like. its genuinely hard to describe how awful and dehumanizing everything was during that time in my life. i pretty much stopped writing after that first placement and i fucking always had ignorant fucking assholes talking shit to me in my dms and ao3 comments, trans people picking fights with me over fanfiction and fucking say shit like "no trans person would ever say xyz" and "hes a disappointment as a trans person" and "i just dont think his trans fic is good representation" in public, zero fucking apology, i got on antidepressants for the first and only time in my life. and i was in a fucking emotionally abusive relationship! that shit broke my fucking brain!!

i am doing better now not the same guy anymore i have joy sometimes and i am functioning better than i literally ever thought possible and i am going to move so i can have a life.

but also even though it feels very bad like im talking every time i think about this my chest gets all tight like im gonna have a panic attack and it has been SO LONG since i felt that way, i am going to send the emails and and call the front desk and email the department chair and fucking drive up there and bother the shit out of her until she does it. and like hey maybe she fucking wont! but if she gives me a hard time. it will cause me significant professional consequences and little if any professional gain but like fuck if i deserved any of that!!! its been so many years and i keep talking down to myself like it wasnt that big of a deal im just being self-centered it was probably a coincidence youre blowing things out of proportion bc thats how all my cis classmates talked about it but like i WASNT. i wasnt, i was not being dramatic or sensitive or whatever. i was not safe and i had basically no power in that situation and it was messed up. i finished my hours fucking three days before the deadline! three days from having to pay like $3k more than all my classmates and cancel my fucking top surgery if i wanted to graduate!! lady fundamentally changed the course of my career for no motherfucking reason!!!!

all that to say if she gives me a hard time i am going to file a discrimination complaint against her national certification it takes like a year and there's like 0% chance i'll like "win" in arbitration or whatever regardless of whether or not she signs the stupid fucking paper. ill either have to pay like $3k more go to back to school or pay like $1k to pull some morally dubious license and certification nonsense or try to transition to another setting if she doesnt. but like fuck her and every academic like her who thinks they can get away with that kinda shit without any consequences

NOT TO BE DRAMATIC BUT I YHIMK GRAD SCHOOL GAVE ME TRAUMA ACTUALLY

[storybookprincess]

Hi Liv! (: I'm in need of ur Tohru Honda-esque ‘big sister advice’!! It would be great if u cld give me a second opinion, if ur able! If not, that’s fine!

Rn, I’m doing online classes. It’s flexible + allows me more freedom to dawdle in fandom/have time w relatives…the end of SEM1 is approaching + I need to decide whether or not I’ll continue these virtual classes/start in-person learning again (in January). I’m conflicted. I enjoy being able to pace myself/not feel as stressed as I was b4, but I don’t think I’m trying as ‘hard’ as I shld? I don’t do projects/research outside of lessons + the absence of having peers to connect w…is making my mental health foggy. I sort of do wk half-heartedly, but still turn in everything on time + have high marks, so I’m not suffering academically lol. Still!

I don’t want 2 make the wrong decision & screw up my future! I miss my friends & walking down the halls. I used 2 complain abt going to school/dealing w the workload/business/drama…so why do I long for it now? It’s the feels vs. being practical.

I’m afraid 2 go back to in-person, smth also hindering my decision (& smth I’m struggling to admit). In previous years, I’ve been known as the ‘smart kid’ in the honors track. I’m worried abt what people will think of me…& that I’ll be seen as ‘other’. Will I be able to transition/keep my grades up? I’ll probably b placed in the regular track to help w the adjustment, but I’m still anxious. Shld I continue w online → I might switch to another program (one that has a Latin class I’m interested in + more detailed curriculum…unlike independent study) & stick it out? Or shld I go back to in-person?

Thx for reading this essay-of-an-ask. I hope ur December is going okay + the weather where ur @ is nice! <3 You inspire me to improve in writing and being more positive!

hello my friend!!!! first, thank you for your well wishes in this lovely ask!! and ofc i'm so honored you came here for some advice!!! i'd be happy to share my two cents, although *insert obligatory disclaimer about how i'm not a counselor or therapist or academic adviser & just a well meaning internet person & thus everything i say should be taken with a grain of salt*

so obviously the decision to return to in person vs remain in online school is a very personal one & i therefore don't feel i should just tell you what to do. instead, i'll offer a few things to think about:

1. the basics--what is your vaccination status, your district's policy on masks, and your own pre-existing health risks, if any?

this is all pretty straightforward stuff to answer, but i'd feel wrong leaving it out. if you are unvaccinated, are at a moderate to high risk for serious health complications from covid, and/or are in a school that doesn't enforce masks or contact tracing, you'll want to give those factors some serious consideration. obviously your health is the #1 priority in all of this

2. okay, onto the actual subject of your ask!! first, you'll want to weigh the burden on your mental health of being isolated at home versus the burden of the stress of being in school

in general, i think most students' mental health is much, much better when interacting with their peers on a daily basis. at our core, we're social creatures, and isolation truly wreaks havoc on our mental and physical wellbeing. there's a reason you find yourself missing school--seeing your friends and peers and teachers every day & getting to interact with them is as critical to your mental wellness as adequate sleep, water, and food. it's not silly or impractical at all!! it's the way we function as a species

however, that being said, if you're facing bullying, social ostracization, extreme academic stress, or other adverse experiences in school, you might find you feel better at home, and that's definitely something to take into consideration. so i'd encourage you to think about an average day at home versus an average day going to school. not the absolute worst or best days--just an average one. in which situation do you feel better? that might help with your decision

3. while i was initially just posing questions, this i can say with confidence--it's extremely unlikely anyone else is going to give more than a moment's thought to which track you start back at school in

a big part of adolescence is the persistent belief that others are observing & forming judgments about you & your behaviors. seriously, it's called the imaginary audience & it's a natural, healthy, and nearly universal stage of development. but the truth of the matter is that all of your peers are way, way too caught up in themselves to spare you much of a thought

of course your friends think and care about you. of course that one classmate appreciates when you always are there to loan them a pen. of course the new kid feels happy when you smile & wave to them in the hall. but short of those sorts of things where a person either has a strong relationship with you or you do something that affects them directly, the majority of people just do not care what anyone else is doing basically ever. except in rare circumstances, no one will judge what track you start back into because they've got their own things to think about. i wouldn't let that worry cloud your judgment, and i'd remind yourself over & over that the imaginary audience is just that--imaginary

i hope this was able to give you a bit of food for thought!! i trust you to make the right choice for you, but please know that whatever you decide, it's not going to be the singular make or break decision for your future. there will be plenty of other choices you'll make--some without even realizing it--that will have far, far bigger effects, so please don't stress too much. hang in there & know i'll be rooting for you!!!! xo

[writeroftheprompts]

Back to School Tips

A lot of you might be going back to school soon (like me) or have just started. Since I’m starting my fifth year of uni (it’s a six year program 🙃) I figured I would share some of my findings. These things have gotten me through four years of university so far while working part-time with a great GPA, decent sleep, and time for myself. School is damn hard and I’ve made plenty of mistakes and had plenty of break downs but it doesn't have to be as bad as it seems.

Plan. Your. Shit. Listen, listen, I know this is what everybody and your mother tells you to do but there’s a reason. The thing is you need to plan ahead as much as you can in the best way that works for you. The next four points are about planning and getting organized and it’s what works best for me so maybe it can help you or you can incorporate some of those points in your own technique. But whatever you do. Plan your shit.

Use a calendar. If you are in college/uni you probably have a syllabus from your classes that breaks down what your readings will be and at least roughly when assignments and tests will be. In September an essay that is due in mid October seems like a far away problem, and realistically it is, but that doesn't mean it can't help you plan. Go through the syllabi and mark down when each things will be due. I like using the calendar app on my phone/laptop and make a different “calendar” for each subject with a different colour so that I can see everything easily. This can help you see things better at a glance and help you plan other things that pop up in the future.

Break down your time. If you can break down your time into specific chunks of time it will help you focus on that task and also allow you to rest. For me, I plan what I’m going to work on during my commute to campus (I take transit) and depending on my schedule I’ll also plan out chunks between classes or specific chunks when I’m at home. The key is SPECIFIC chunks, not just “On Tuesday I'm going to do X”. These chunks keep you accountable to yourself so you don't keep procrastinating it later in the day, help get your mind set on the task, keep you organized, make the task seem more manageable by creating a limit, and also help you allow yourself to relax. If you tell yourself “I’m going to work on my paper between 11am-1pm” and you buckle down and do it for those hours, then you can rest easier and not feel as guilty during your down time that you aren't working on something else now. You planned what needed to be done, assigned the chunk, and now it’s time to relax. Breaks. And. Rest. Are. Necessary. 

Build a routine. I like to plan out 1-2 weeks ahead of time. On Sunday I will plan out my studying for the next two weeks, as best as I can because there are always unknowns and things that pop up, and then the next Sunday I’ll plan out the following week. This means that things won't sneak up on me. It takes a little trial and error at the beginning of the semester but eventually I find a routine where, for example, I will do the weekly readings for one class on the Monday commute and another after lunch on my day off etc. Extra chunks are left over for assignments and things that aren't regular weekly tasks. Sometimes those chunks are left free (or for getting ahead if I want), sometimes on really busy periods I have to create more study chunks, but at least I have a routine to know what needs to be done when. 

Be realistic. So how do you actually assign these chunks? Underestimate yourself. Seriously. You think you can create that whole presentation in two hours? Give yourself more time. Maybe it actually takes less time in which case, congratulation, but if not you may be putting yourself in unnecessary stress. I actually like to make my own due dates for assignments a day or two before it is actually due. For example, if I have a research report I will plan out chunks for outlining, a few for writing and researching, editing and then actually write in the plan, highlighted, FINISH REPORT on the chunk I intend to finish so I can make sure I’m on track. Then I’ll add an extra chunk just in case but I don't actually expect to need it. It’s a fail safe for when something goes wrong or there’s something unexpected. Again, breaking down your time like this will keep you organized and on task when you need to be, but also help you see that all work you have to do isn't as all-consuming as it seems. You’ll be okay.

Here is a post I made a while back about research tips.

Use the library. Duh, right? But this is more of a money saving tip. This might not be too helpful to everyone but since I’m in English and History a lot of my readings are from novels and books that are readily available at the library. Rather than buy all the books, I try to find them at my university library or even my local library. I still have to buy a lot, especially textbooks that I’ll actually be using all year or in the future, but for that $20 novel I’ll only need one week I get it from the library. Those little books really add up and I save a few hundred every year. You can even use OverDrive which will connect to you free ebooks and audiobooks you can access through your local library. Best part is it is completely legal and you can download them on your phone with the app so you can read whenever you have time and the book will automatically be returned when the loan is over. 

Find the study environment that is right for you. This will be different for everyone. For me, I work best when I’m alone and with background sound. This is why working on a bus, in a noisy student centre or with instrumental music works well for me (music with lyrics is distracting). Some people need silence. Some people like study partners to bounce ideas or even just sitting at the table with them, but for me I know that sitting with friends will inevitably lead to chatting. Sometimes it’s nice just to talk over ideas but when I really need to focus I know being alone and with an instrumental playlist is the best way to go. Be honest with yourself and others about the environment you need to be successful.

Don’t be afraid to speak up when you need help. Your professors, teachers, and TAs are not evil (usually) and they usually do want to help. I won’t lie, going to office hours can be a little nerve-racking and it isn't always super helpful but when it is it has made a huge difference. These people have been learning, working, and teaching in this field way longer than you have and they can help make sense of your jumbled paper thesis or unravel a lecture you didn't really understand. Also, if you go to them with work done and they can genuinely see you are trying to take the course seriously, they can help you with due date extensions if you really need them. Be honest when you aren't understanding something because, trust me, the confusion and stress will just keep building. If the person you go to is worth anything as an educator they will help you and will understand that this stuff is hard and appreciate that you are trying your best. (Sometimes they’ll even give you the inside scoop on future assignments or test 😉)

Also, speak up to work managers or other people you are accountable to. It’s best to book off time ahead of time when you know you’ll be busy but it doesn't hurt to respectfully ask when you need help. Sometimes you’ll get a no, which sucks, but sometimes you’ll get a yes. Talk to friends or family too fi you have commitments that you know won't be good for you. Be respectful and honest about what is happening and they’ll understand. They may even be able to help out.

You can’t write a real paper in one day. Yeah, I’ve seen the memes and videos of people being like “Lol, teachers always say I can’t write an essay the night before. Challenge accepted!” You can’t do it. You just can’t. Maybe in high school but I don’t recommend it. Or maybe you are a superhero and can properly come up with an interesting thesis for a 12 page paper and organize all your points and find the minimum required seven outside peer-reviewed sources and write the damn paper, cite, and edit in one day but...I sure as hell can't. Just don't do this to yourself. See above planning tips and research tips to do this properly and with minimal stress. 

Colour code. Having organized notes can go a long way. When I’m actually writing them in lecture it can hard to make them look as clear as I want but I try to at least make subheadings and bold if I can. When I have time I might go back and clean them up a bit. When I’m studying I colour code. Most profs and teachers will give you an idea of main course themes and topics maybe in the syllabus or in outlines at the beginning of lecture. Some even give Key Terms! Take note of those and keep them mind while studying so you can colour code pieces of information by topic or theme. This will help you later on when you are trying to find a piece of information and also make links between the information that will give you a deeper understanding of the material. 

Learn to forgive yourself. Like I said in the intro, I’ve made mistakes. I’ve gotten grades I’ve been disappointed with or been late to something important or overworked myself or a bunch of other things. You are trying your best. School is HARD. If you are starting post secondary now it is very common to have your grades drop and it’s not because you are terrible at what you’re doing or not trying hard enough it’s because this shit is fucking hard. You’ll get there, you’ll get the feel for all this newness and you’ll realize that you’re doing okay. When you make a mistake, do what you can to correct it and learn from it, but then accept that what has already happened can't be changed and you can only forgive yourself and move forward. 

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I can probably physically eat five full bags of salt and vinegar chips in one day but it will probably burn a hole through my stomach. I can work myself to the bone and pull all-nighters and keep studying through the tears but I shouldn’t. You might think you can work yourself to the brink repeatedly but you can't. You will burn out. If you wouldn't do something physically unhealthy like downing an obscene amount of salt and vinegar chips just because you can, you shouldn't do something that is going to break you down emotionally and mentally. Ask for help and do the best you can while still maintaining some healthy boundaries. 

[odaatlover]

I just recently started college. I’m an architecture major. I am finding myself extremely stressed to meet deadlines, and even if I make the deadline, my work sucks. Like I spend all my time in my studio and my work is still subpar. I’m gaining weight and I don’t have time to work out which is also stressing me out. I feel like I’m already sinking and it’s only been three weeks. I want to stick with it bc I enjoy what I’m doing, but I’m just so stressed. Plus I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

College is definitely a stressful time, and that initial transition can be a little rocky for some people. College is a whole different ball game than high school. I know people who in high school had a 3.8 GPA and got scholarships because they always Aced tests and scored high on the SAT, but couldn’t hack it in college because they never did homework -- and they quickly found out that college is all papers and assignments and rarely ever tests. You can be the smartest person in the room, but if you’re used to things being easy for you and you’re not used to working hard (which happens for a lot of smart people), then college will be a bit of a struggle. A lot of those people dropped out or failed out because it wasn’t making them happy.

I also had a friend who was an art history major, but she hated college. She hated the stress, her classes, the “college life”, everything. But she wanted to go to college and get a degree in that because it was what she was good at and she felt like she had to get a degree in order to be worth something. At the end of fall semester her sophomore year, she failed out and was on academic probation and couldn’t return. And her parents told her, “This is the universe’s way of telling you that you’re not meant to go to college, and that’s okay. If it’s not making you happy, then don’t do it.” And I completely agree. And now she’s a professional makeup artist and just finished hair school a year ago and does hair and makeup for commercials and movies and stuff, and she loves it! College isn’t for everyone, and having a degree doesn’t give you any more value than someone who doesn’t have a degree. This whole idea that everyone has to go to college is the government’s way of trying to keep the US on top with having the most “educated people”, and by trying to make a shit ton of money on overpriced education. It’s all bullshit. If you enjoy college and getting that degree is a goal of yours and it’s something that’s going to make you feel really accomplished, then go for it! But if college is making you hate life and you feel like you’re drowning, then don’t feel like you have to continue on with that path, because maybe it’s not the one for you.

I’m not saying this is you, Anon, but I went on a bit of a tangent there for anyone reading this who feels this way or is going through this struggle. As for you specifically, college is stressful, but it shouldn’t be overbearing. If you’re struggling to make ends meet, then it could be that this specific program isn’t the right one for you. As in, maybe it’s not the right school. Being an architect major isn’t going to be the same everywhere, it’s going to be different based on the school, the professors, the other students, etc. So if it’s this difficult, and getting your degree is something you really want but just struggle to achieve, then maybe it’s not the right school for you. It could also be that you’re just starting out and need to get used to this new routine. Give it the semester, or maybe a year, and if you’re still struggling or it’s just too draining to be worth it, then try transferring schools.

As for the weight gain, you don’t have to work out in order to lose or maintain weight. Most of it comes from nutrition and what kinds of foods you’re eating. I’m not a professional, but I’ve been in the health/fitness game for over a decade now and have done (and continue to do) tons of research, and have lost a ton of weight. I’ll share a little bit of the knowledge that I have, and my personal opinions that help me. At the very base, weight loss/weight gain comes from calories in vs. calories out. Of course there are some other factors depending on the person, but that’s the very base of it. If you consume more calories than you burn, then you’ll gain weight, and if you consume less calories than you burn, then you’ll lose weight. And I am a firm believer in quantity over quality -- as in, 100 calories from an apple is way better and more nutritionally valuable than 100 calories from apple juice. Another thing to understand is that you are constantly burning calories. If you were to just lay in bed not moving at all but just breathing, you will burn about 60% of your calories. And then when you consume food and digest it, you burn let’s say another 10% of your calories. And then you’re left with just your lifestyle calories which comes from walking to the bathroom or fidgeting your hands or even blinking. So then you’re at like 90-95% of your calories burned (You can find that average number here). So then add working out onto the very end of that, and you find that you actually don’t burn as many calories working out as you think. So many people think you have to go to the gym for 6 hours every day and burn 3,000 calories at the gym in order to lose weight, but really working out is there for two purposes: training and building muscle, OR to help you lose weight faster. But nutrition and what you’re putting into your body is the most important thing as far as gaining or losing weight. You can lose weight just from sitting in a chair all day as long as you eat healthy foods and stay under the number of calories you naturally burn, but you can’t out train a bad diet. So if you’re concerned about gaining a bunch of weight and not having enough time to work out, look at your diet. Are you eating junk, or are you eating foods with nutrition that’s going to give you energy and keep you fuller longer? Of course being stressed and not moving around as much will cause you to crave those unhealthy foods, but if it’s something you’re really concerned about then just know that you don’t need time in order to lose the pounds you’ve put on or to keep yourself from gaining more weight. Focus on nutrition, make healthier choices, and gaining weight will be one less thing you have to worry about. Again, I’m not a professional, just an average person who had done a lot of research and listened to a lot of different opinions on the subject.

That was a lot of ranting, and I apologize for the sheer length of this answer because damn I’m chatty today lol. But just wanted to leave you with one last thing: This is your life, and the only person you should really worry about disappointing is yourself. If down the road you find that this is not the path you want to continue on, then you have every right to change that no matter what anybody else says, even your family. You have the right to try other paths to success, because there are more than one. Good luck, and I’m rooting for you, Anon!

[yeonchi]

The absolute state of jobseeking in current year

Today, I take a big step in my transition into society as I begin my first (actual) job. It gives me no pleasure to say that this wasn’t an easy journey in the least because everyone else makes it look that way and therefore, I assumed that it was.

I never had a job (working fast food/retail/whatever) in high school, except for a week indexing documents, filing documents and assembling boxes at a bank for work experience, so imagine my shock when I go to a jobseeking site and everything I find requires at least a year of experience, even the jobs labelled as “entry level”.

During my uni years, I was on welfare benefits that required me to be 18-24 and studying full time. In the second semester of my third year of uni (2019), I decided to defer my last subject to the next year because there was something I wanted to take up that I couldn’t in that semester. Of course, this would mean that I would be studying part-time, so I was no longer eligible for that particular welfare benefit.

Since I thought that it was time for me to focus on looking for work, I signed up for that particular welfare benefit. One of the mutual obligations was that I had to send 20 job applications per month and record them on a web portal. I was also assigned an employment provider to attend appointments every couple of weeks to talk about my progress.

When I first met my provider, I was taken aback by what he said; I thought that sending 20 job applications was a cinch, but he told me that I had to focus on finding full-time work and that I could take up uni studies outside of work hours (my course didn’t count as an exception to their rules). This was quite a shock for me because this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. He also told me that I had to apply for any job I was suitable for and not just what I wanted; bit much to ask for me but ok.

So, for the next few months, I fulfilled their requirements to the best of my ability; I applied for jobs through a jobseeking site and attached a resume with either a short cover letter that I learnt how to write online or none at all if I wasn’t that bothered. My provider seemed like a nice guy, but as time went on, something about him didn’t sit right with me, like either him or the entire jobsearching thing was giving me bad vibes. Learning about the AUWU (Australian Unemployed Workers Union) and some of the things people wrote on their sites and pages didn’t help things either.

About a couple of months later, I didn’t feel like I was making any progress because despite all the job applications I sent, I never got any calls or emails back from them whatsoever (I did get a call for an interview once before I signed up for this welfare benefit, but I didn’t get the job in the end). It was then that I found out (through my university) that another employment provider had a program to help tertiary students living with disabilities find work. While I have been diagnosed with autism, I have never taken advantage of it to seek assistance (I did have teaching aides at primary and secondary school, but I was mostly capable of doing things otherwise so they mostly acted as assistants to the whole class instead of just me and the other kids with disabilities).

I signed up for this program and after going through a long progress of getting a medical certificate from my GP to verify my autism, going to the benefit office to get an assessment and informing my then-current provider of my intentions, I was successfully transferred to that program.

It was also around this time that the coronavirus pandemic happened and lockdowns resulted in me having to attend appointments over the phone or on Zoom, which I had no problem with. At the same time, I was also accepted for a work-from-home position with Lionbridge, which I only saw as a side gig. I did that job for a year before I quit - the lockdown and my various hobbies resulted in me only contributing two hours per week when Lionbridge recommended ten, though I did push myself to do ten hours during two particular weeks where they gave bonuses for those who achieved that goal. The gig was mostly checking Google search results to see if they fit with the user’s intent for the search - it was nice, but boring given that I get distracted while working on the computer at home and I had to record the times myself because their system didn’t do it for you. As a result of the lockdown, I just finished up the one subject I had left to finish my course and that was it. My welfare benefit also doubled because of the coronavirus supplement and I got to do some things I thought I would never be able to do because everyone was exempted from looking for work during that time. Even though I was caught up in some bad timing, I managed to find a big silver lining to it.

While I didn’t achieve much success with jobseeking during my time in the program, I did gain a lot more out of it than I probably would have did with my past provider. I did a short mentorship with someone from a big company who helped me to revamp my resume and cover letter. I applied for a few graduate programs and managed to progress to the assessment centre stage for one of them, but I didn’t get in in the end. I attended a three-week work experience assessment program with an agency dedicated to helping people with disabilities find work with big companies. I never told my career coach about my gig with Lionbridge because I signed up while I had correspondence with my first career coach and she quit a short while after - I don’t think she ever told him about it, so whatever I guess (also, as I said, it was only a side gig, so my goal was still to find full-time work).

On a side note, after a year with my previous provider, I would have had to undertake a “work for the dole” program, which is literally what it says on the tin. I don’t know what would have happened if it got to that stage because I managed to get out as quickly as I could and the lockdowns meant that changes had to be made as a result.

At the start of this year, I applied for what I thought was a part-time job at a single organisation, but was actually a casual contractor role. They accepted me and signed me onto their list and I never got a call or email from them again for like four months (with the exception of a newsletter lol). Remember this as it will be important for the next bit.

A few weeks ago, my coach informed me of a role being available at the very provider I was with. I thought I was very suitable for the job, so I asked him to pass on my resume to them. After a couple weeks of waiting, I was asked to come in for an interview on a Friday (I was only one of two applicants who signed up for that role, they never advertised it anywhere else). I went to the provider’s office and just as I was getting off the tram, I get a call from the contractor role advising me of a new job that was starting in a couple of weeks. I stalled them by asking them to email me the details before calling my coach to tell him about it; he advised me to focus on the job I came to interview for and I agreed since I knew it would be better for me and I had a stronger connection with them than with the contractor. So I ghosted the contractor, did the interview and went home that day with the expectation that I would get a reponse by the end of the day, but I didn’t since the interviewer was busy and I had to wait until the Monday.

I went away for a short trip that weekend and on the Monday, I get another call from the contractor asking me for my response. I stalled them again, telling them that I was out of town, then soon after, I get a call from my coach informing me that I got the job. I called the contractor again and told them to remove me from their list because I now had a full-time role. After a few calls that week, I agreed to start on the Monday after - which brings us up to today.

Personally, the wait was worth it, but the fact that it took four years for me to find a job (one-and-a-half since I signed up for that welfare benefit), most of the companies I applied for never got back to me and the entire thing with my first provider stressing me out just shows the absolute state of jobseeking in current year, particularly for a sheltered autistic like me who has had no experience in the workforce. I’m not advocating for “free money” because I’m evidently capable of working (and I’m also not an idiot), but I wish that companies and the government could give us a break now and then and save us the stress of worrying about whether we will actually get a job or whether we will be capable to feed our families with the amount of money we get and the conditions we have to abide by.

Society may be a fucking joke, but there are times where it comes through.

[agape-l0ve]

hello i am back lol

I think the last few times I wrote out a blog was when jj was deployed.  tumblr was a really helpful tool for me at that time because it allowed me to be completely vulnerable without having to burden anyone else!

I was looking back at my old posts and it’s so interesting to read where I was back then and to see the progression of how much life changes in such short bursts of time! So here’s just an update for my future self -- warning, it’s not very exciting hahaha

So, since jj returned in dec 2018, it’s honestly been great! We saw 2019 and 2020 as a time to catch up on all the lost time we had in the previous years.  No more exercises, training, or trips away, life actually went back to normal - which was weird.  I look back and think about how we’ve only been in this lifestyle since 2016, but so much can happen within a span of 4-5 years.  I’ve finally graduated from CFCC’s OTA program, which was honestly such a blessing because our class was able to complete our requirements before COVID got really bad.  Well, I should say most of our class.  As of right now, I think only one more person is finishing up their FW II, which is crazy because these days, I find myself thinking about how I was just finishing up HH and transitioning into peds outpatient in FW II exactly one year ago.  

I’ll talk a bit about my FW II experiences.. since they were not the greatest lol.

Home health was really interesting.  I was honestly DREADING it because 1, I don’t like spending long amounts of time in the car and 2, I hate being in the car with just one other person - especially someone I don’t feel100% comfortable with. Also, I wasn’t too fond of the idea of going to people’s homes either.  I think this placement really stretched me and pushed me out of my comfort zone in every aspect.  Looking back now, I genuinely enjoyed the experience for what it was! Would I voluntarily do it again? It depends! (which is a step up from a solid no) 

Our area covered the extremely rural areas of our surrounding counties and it definitely served as a huge culture shock.  But everyone was so sweet and grateful for any help they could get and I will always remember some of the most awesome patients I got to meet.  The negative effects of this rotation mostly came from my supervisor.  She was an awful human being, but thankfully, she was at least a good OTR.  However, that being said, I saw ZERO treatments! Even when I tried to tell my professor, NO ONE LISTENED OR BELIEVED ME.  It was extremely frustrating because I had all of these assignments to do and all of them were about mf interventions.  Anyways, my OTR was untimely, rude, unapologetic, and lacked empathy out of her ass.  I was so ready to be done with her and thankfully, she didn’t ruin HH as an option for me - just wasted my time with her.  If someone could win an award for the amount of countless hours they could talk about themselves, it would be her.  9 hours every day, non-stop, talking about herself and how great she is and her bf. omfg JUST GET ME OUT OF THE CAR

FW II was supposed to be really exciting for me.  I was done with HH and moving onto what I cared about the most and what I really felt passionate about.  Helping children in clinic! It was honestly my dream.  It was a multi-disciplinary site with SLP, PT, and OT. Everyone seemed nice and it just so happens that my OTR at this placement was a former Marine and he and I had a lot in common paper.  Boy, was I in for it.  He turned out to be an extremely narcissistic man who thought the world of only himself.  He shit talked EVERYONE behind their backs, but was extremely fake to their face.  Him and the front office administrator would gossip every moment they got, like they were 13 year old bullies.  He suffered from several TBIs when he was enlisted, so it’s safe to say that his temperament issues and memory loss were definitely a result of those.  But the worst part is, he refused to admit it.  He would shit talk the boss, the PR manager, the PTs, the clients, and just about everyone in between.�� And he brought 100% of his personal life into this, which I get if we’re co-workers, that’s fine.  But as your student, I don’t need to know about that kind of crap.  On top of that, I was his first FW II student... lol of course I was.  So he knew nothing about how to help me, guide me, or teach me. Instead of looking at the informational packed my professor handed to him, he puts that in the closet the entire 9 weeks I’m with him and proceeds to continuously throw me under the bus when it came to doing my assignments and treating patients.  Mind you, I didn’t get to treat anyone in HH, so this is now my first real opportunity to start treating patients throughout the entirety of my program.  Safe to say, I was nervous.  But I pulled through and did my best and I forced myself to become really confident really quickly.  I was awesome at it and I was honestly very proud of the practitioner I was striving to be.  He did help me from time to time and I’d like to believe there were moments where he was genuine and tried his best to help me.  But none of those times outweigh the flustercluck that was that clinic.  Anyways, I came out pretty salty about the whole thing, but I didn’t let it ruin my passion for helping children, as that is what I aspire to do in the future.  I made strides with kids my OTR wasn’t able to connect with for months.  And instead of encouraging me and allowing me to fulfill my duty as a student, he re-books them with another therapist and anyone in healthcare knows how that detrimental that process is to their progression and tells me that he’s just trying to be nice and share his case-load with other people.  No, you’re purposefully taking them away from me because you can’t stand the thought of someone being better than you at something.  His pride and arrogance will forever taint my experience there and I have no intention of going back - which is a true shame because I absolutely fell in love with the kids and some of the other therapists there.  Oh well, good riddance to both my HH OTR and my peds OTR.

Luckily through it all, COVID was just beginning and it only delayed my graduation process a few weeks.  I was extremely fortunate to be one of the first few in my class to finish up and start studying for my NNCOT exam!

Studying for my exam was a time and a half.  I honestly had -0% confidence in myself to pass this test.  I knew it was coming, I knew I had to eventually take it.. but time just snuck up on me so quickly and before I realized, it was my time.  I studied for about 3 months, graduating in June and taking my exam in Sept.  I took a short break immediately following graduation and then read an entire 3,000 page textbook, took over 300 pages of notes, and took practice tests and listened to podcasts/watched youtube videos.  It was a lot of information but it was honestly so rewarding to think about how much knowledge I’ve truly gained from these past few years.  Fast forward, Sept 23, 2020 was the day I took my test and it was great! A lot less structured of a process than they make it sound and I was able to complete my exam in about 2 hours and passed a few weeks later! I got my license and everything was great!

For whatever reason, during this time, I felt in my heart that it was time to get another dog.  This topic kept coming up un-provoked in EVERY single conversation we had with others and it just felt right.  Being home now, I was able to spend every day with Teddy, rather than taking him to daycare.  Because of the uncertainties of COVID at the time, I didn’t feel comfortable taking him in, nor did I want to drive if I didn’t have to.  Teddy became extremely depressed, always sleeping in the closet or between the toilet and wall, which are places he goes only when he’s hurt or sick.  I would try to play with him and take him out, but he had lost all motivation to do anything.  It hurt my heart that I couldn’t give him what he wanted or what he needed.  So, after a lot of thought and research, Chester came into our lives! Teddy’s breeder had JUST had a litter of puppies (on the same day I took my exam!) and I figured it was a good time to raise another puppy, since I have the time and no outstanding commitments right now.  We picked him up in Nov, right before Thanksgiving and jj’s brother was in town to help us.  It was a looooong day, 5 hours there and 5 hours back.  I think we got home around 2am, but since then, my life has just been on hold while I raise Chester.

Teddy was not happy at first.  I could tell he was confused and upset that another dog was here.  But over time, they have become much closer and share experiences that has helped him become a better brother.  Chester is a lot of work lol but he’s brought so much joy to all of us and I love him so much.  He’s currently 5 months, losing all his baby teeth, and getting into everything and Teddy has been enjoying the company (in moderation lol).

In regards to our life, we were really hoping to PCS back home summer of 2020, but it didn’t happen.  It was pretty disappointing because we’ve been on the east coast the whole time we’ve been active duty.  A lot of our friends moved either back to their hometowns or to the west coast and it felt really unjustified that we were stuck here, but even so, we are making the most of it.  We would have had to move through COVID and we wouldn’t have gotten Chester, so those are definitely some benefits of staying put.  Since we’re here for a bit, we’ve decided to purchase a house! Our friends down the street are selling theirs and we figured it’d be a good financial idea to start allocating our rent into a cheaper mortgage.  It has a double yard and it’s a bit newer than our current rental.  So we are hoping to move around June! I’m excited, it’s kind of a fresh new start without having to be too big of a move for now.  

Mentally, I’ve been fluctuating.  I have a lot of self-inflicted guilt from not working at the moment.  And yes, I agreed to get Chester and it’s a full-time job to watch him and not have to crate him all day.  I want him to enjoy his puppyhood and I want to be here with him as well, so I do cherish these moments that I can have with both him and Teddy.  However, I just feel like it’s the right thing to do or it’s what I’m supposed to do. I graduate and then I work! But being here, it’s just not the path for me.  Besides, I keep reminding myself that there are no job openings in my immediate area right now anyways.  So for now, I’m just spending my days with the pups and working on keeping the house clean, which does bring me a lot of joy.  I need to learn to enjoy life and not worry about what I’m not doing.  To help myself, I signed up for transcription services again, so hopefully that’ll bring in some money and take up some time.  I think it’s the need to feel productive and I haven’t had that in a while.  But with COVID, I’m sure that’s a very popular feeling.  

I think that’s about it for now, that’s what’s been going with me the past few years! I can’t wait to read this in 2 years and hopefully, I won’t be in the same place lol

byee

[aryanarecords]

INTERVIEW WITH KO NARTER

I met Ko Narter during my NYU summer program (shocking, I know. I’m not sorry that I got to meet some of the coolest most artsy people over the summer, though.  Even better, I can show them to my readers, which is so dope.) I had just moved into my dorm and I was about to unpack when Ko and a few other girls knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to hang.  That was such a relief because I didn’t know what I was going to do until class the next day.  I was planning on sitting in my room?? Lol.  I thought that was really nice of her.  Anyways, I guess it was her cool Bay Area aura or the fact that she tried to break a world record for wearing Paul Frank shirts for 187 days in a row in the third grade, but Ko and I have very similar tastes in music, and our writing styles are very similar, so we connected pretty fast.  It wasn’t one of those famous jam seshes without her! When it came time for our student showcase at the end of the program, another girl in our group and I were paired up to harmonize with Ko for her song “Remnants,” which is actually on her brand new EP!  Unfortunately, I lost my voice and didn’t get to perform with her, but every time I listen to “Remnants” it reminds me of NYU.  Anyways, here is my interview with Ko! 

Give us some basic facts about yourself !

Birthday: 1/24/2000 Zodiac Sign: Aquarius Favorite Food: Carne Asada Burrito from Cactus (sad because I am a recent vegetarian) Favorite Color: to wear - black, to look at - some sort of forest-y green Currently Based: Oakland, CA Nicknames: Ko is a nickname! My full name is Koyuki which means “little snow” in Japanese! Fun Fact: My high school has a bird calling contest, and I won 2nd place in both 2016 and 2017.

How and when did you start making music?

When I moved to California in 2006, a lot of the friends that I made were in choir, so I  decided to try it out. That’s really where my deep love for music began. I seriously started making my own music in middle school, when I joined a band called “the Bystanders” that some of my friends had started. Throughout middle school and into Freshman and Sophomore year, we transitioned from doing mostly covers, to writing our own music. Throughout the course of the band, I went from drummer, to lyricist/lead vocalist. I didn’t write my own completely original song until Freshman year, when I had just recently learned G Em C D on guitar, and ran with it. That first song I wrote is now “You’ve Already Won” off my EP.

Who are some of your musical influences?

A huge part of my creative drive is seeing artists around me create music. There are some other artists and bands at my high school, and though we have completely different styles, I love supporting them and seeing people my age trying to do what they love doing, just like I am. As for some bigger musicians, right now I’ve been listening to Maggie Rogers, Khalid, Gavin James, Daniel Caesar, Stephen Day, and SZA. Some long time faves are Sylvan Esso, Kodaline, and Childish Gambino, and Us the Duo. My music taste is pretty eclectic but I really value strong vocals and lyrics which seems to be a common thread among most of my favorite artists. My all time favorite band is Thirdstory.  If anyone reading this has never heard of them - you MUST check them out. I have cried listening to their music a couple of times because I am so blown away by the emotion and thoughtfulness that emanates from their music.

You’re also in a band, Power Beez, how did you guys get together?

My bandmates, Maggie and Kay, were also in that band “The Bystanders” in middle school, so we’ve been friends since middle school, and have been making music together since middle school. We really became a trio when we all took Dance PE during our Junior year, and spent a lot of time together either choreographing or just hanging out. We are also all in the student run a cappella group in our town, the Troubadours,  so when someone asked for performers at a charity event at Dress Best For Less, we thought we’d take a crack at it. It all started with us covering “Who Says” by Selena Gomez, and “Fireflies” by Owl City, but as we arranged more music, we found that we had such a special sound, and because we had been making music together for so long, we knew what sounded good in each of our voices and how to divvy up parts. Our love of tacky 2000s Disney bops and passion for three part harmony really solidified us as a group.

What’s the story behind your band name?

Maggie, Kay, and I all took Dance PE, as mentioned in the previous question, and for our winter dance concert we were trying to think of a title for our dance. All the dances in the show seemed to be about power or puppets so we were toying with names with the word “power” in it. We were sitting in the theater when our dance teacher kind of blurted out “what about Power BEEEES” and said it in this very comical voice. Honestly our entire dance class career was a meme. Our first dance was called “Power Beez,” (“z” instead of “s” for comedic effect) our dance for our April dance concert was “Power Beez: the Squeakquel,” a la Alvin and the Chipmunks, and our final dance was called “Power Beez: Road Chip” (or maybe Chipwrecked - I can’t remember). When we started performing as a vocal trio, we were going to perform at our first official gig and when asked for a band name I guess “Power Beez” was the only thing that really made sense. What all started as a joke has now become our trio’s official name.

What was your inspiration for your new EP, KONA?

I don’t know if I should name drop in this because who knows who’s reading so -  this EP is almost entirely about one person, with a few lyrics being inspired by frustrations I was having in other relationships in my life. The easiest way to describe my relationship with this one person between Freshman through Junior year is “it’s complicated.” I mean we are still tight to this day but between being tight 4 years ago to today, our relationship has changed a lot, and you can hear the relationship shift on the EP. In chronological order, I wrote You’ve Already Won spring of Freshman year, and it’s about how I was foolish to think anything could last between the two of us. After our fleeting fling, we remained friends through my Sophomore year. In the summer between my Sophomore and Junior year (his summer before college) we worked at a summer camp together, and afterwards had another fling, but this fling was definitely much more emotionally involved and we were much closer. When he left for school, I had a lot of sadness and frustration, but we still talked even though we were no longer romantically involved. When I started seeing pictures of a girl on his Instagram, I wrote Her vs Me about how this girl was obviously more his type than I was. As I got deeper into Junior year, I wrote Remnants when people kept bringing him up, and all I was trying to do was forget him. I go to a small high school in a small town, so Continent of Conquests is about how he left me with nothing whereas he got to dive into a new city and new school and got to move on much faster than I did. Dead End was a bit of a backslide, when I realized I was always gonna hold a special place in my heart for him, and lastly Expiration Date tells the story of how I finally moved on, but also analyzing and criticizing his actions in our relationship. To get back to the question you actually asked, I don’t know if it’s fair to say he was the inspiration for the EP, but without him I wouldn’t have been able to write and create the way I did.

How long did it take you to write and produce KONA?

I wrote the music in a span of a few years, from Freshman to Junior year, arranged the music with Kay and Maggie (from Power Beez) in a few three hour rehearsals, and then recording took 15 hours and mixing probably took another 10 at least. My dear friends Kay, Maggie, and Emmett all volunteered their time, talent, and equipment to make this all possible.

What was the production experience like? 

I learned so much through making this EP. There was always another bump in the road whether it was having to re-record a guitar part, or getting sick and not being able to record. Everyone I worked with is a teenager like myself, and we all still have so much to learn in the music making world. For example, Emmett had mixed all the music and I was reviewing it for upload, when I realized that all the songs had been mixed in stereo, and the harmonies were coming through different sides of my headphones. I’m glad Kay and I caught the mistake, because that is not the way I had intended on releasing my music, but it was an artistic choice that Emmett had chosen. Not that stereo is wrong in any sense, but it wasn’t what I was going for. Little miscommunications like that definitely made the process longer, but I have a much more solid grasp on what I want my sound to be, and I know how to direct people to help me get there.

What’s the story behind your cover art?

This one’s kind of funny. The guy that all the songs are about also did the cover art! I sent him a text that straight up said “would you be willing to do album art for an album about you?” and he was totally down. I love that we are still homies, and he was so chill about it.

What’s your favorite song off the EP?

That’s like making me choose a favorite child! I guess I will always have a special place in my heart for You’ve Already Won. It was definitely most fun to record. Kay, Maggie, and I recorded the three-part harmony bridge live, unlike most of the harmonies on the EP in which we recorded tracks one by one and layered them in production. There is nothing better than locking in on some SICK three part harmony, and getting to put that on the EP was super special. It’s definitely not the most complex song, but there’s something about those lyrics and harmonies that continue to resonate with me every time I listen to it or perform it.

Can we expect new music?

Yes! This EP is actually half of an album, “Kona,” that I wanted to release, but I decided to divide the album into two EPs: “Pt. 1: You,” and “Pt. 2: Me.” It made sense for me to divide it this way because “Pt. 1: You” is all about how this one person (and a few others) affected me, and really is more about them than it is about me. “Pt. 2: Me” however, is much more introspective, and though I reference other people in the songs, it is definitely centered around my internal monologue and my thoughts on friendship and leaving for school next year.

What’s your dream venue to perform at?

I would say the Fillmore in San Francisco, and then the Fox Theater in Oakland. I have seen shows at both of these venues, and the Fillmore is pretty spacious, but definitely super intimate. Anywhere in that room has a good view, and I feel as an audience member that it is so easy to connect to artists at the Fillmore. The Fox is a way bigger stage, and eventually I would love to be playing to as many people who will listen, but for now I’ll stick to a more intimate and dedicated audience.

What genre would you define your music as?

Uhhhhh maybe Alternative? Easy-Listening? Is that a genre? I feel like my music isn’t necessarily happy or sad, but it is good in any mood. It’s definitely not super hype as in there isn’t a pounding bass or an intense beat drop, but it’s very calm music with a bit of a sarcastic/sassy kick if you listen to the lyrics :). Good for studying, good for a good post-breakup cry, and good for a just chillin’!

Anything else you want to add!

I tell this to everyone I know that likes music, but making music is SO EASY and there is no risk at all! I’m not saying writing, arranging, recording, producing, and releasing music is easy, but who is stopping you from jamming out with your friends to some song that you all know the lyrics to? Who is stopping you from posting a Soundcloud cover of whatever artist you have been listening to recently? Who is stopping you from writing lyrics that you may not have a tune for until months later? I always encourage people to create and to collaborate because it has been so joyful and gratifying in my own life, and I wish for everyone to have such a great experience with music as I have.

You can listen to KONA on Spotify and Apple Music!

Rock On,

Aryana 

[bregjetokorea]

4. Final Preparations

Visa Application

January 13th, 2020

Bo-Jenna and I went to the Korean embassy in The Hague today, to apply for the D2-6 visa; a super tiring experience but that’s mostly due to NS and our stupid selves. I wonder if we can actually manage to survive in Seoul, we are such a great duo. Anyways, we left really early in the morning (still dark outside) and we eventually arrived at the embassy at 14:30!!! It was suuuuper busy. Mainly fellow students who were there for the same purpose. We had to wait really long. The consulate building was a tiny shoebox, Korean news was playing on the telly and a big picture of President Moon Jae-In was being displayed on the wall. The waiting wasn’t bad at all as we met a couple of girls traveling to Seoul as well. All of them are going to different universities. Hanyang, Sunkyunkwan, Dankook, Konkuk. No surprise, because our home uni is the only Dutch school that Myongji partners with.

Bo-Jenna and I both were stressed out the entire way to the consulate because we “might have forgotten to bring something”. Everything was fine, though. Imagine what it’s gonna be like when we’re actually packing our suitcases.

Anyways, some practical info; documents we needed to bring were:

The acceptance packet issued by Myongji;

Filled-in visa application form + passport picture;

Passport + copy;

Home university enrollment (< 3 months issuance);

Proof of financial stability (enough to cover personal funds on the certificate of admission).

They told us to come back January 21st (in 8 days).

Flight = booked

January 18th, 2020

Bo-Jenna and I booked our flights today. Actually, I think we should have done this earlier, and I would definitely advise you to buy your tickets much earlier than we did. But honestly, we were recommended to buy our tickets after the university acceptance and visa application. We don’t have our visa yet, but tickets were getting more and more expensive really fast (especially if you keep track of it via skyscanner alerts) and seats are running out (only 3 left on our flight waaaa). If we booked flexible tickets much earlier we would probably have saved a lot of money. Anyways, we did buy return tickets with limited flexibility to save money, especially because we are going home in the summer season so one-way tickets would SO expensive. We added 1.5 weeks of leisure time (lol) after our classes are over to leave some room for traveling if we won’t be able to do so during the semester. We are arriving on February 26th with one transfer in Helsinki. There is no way back anymore now.

Sum minor preps

January 20th, 2020

I got back my signed learning agreement from Myongji today, but courses are still subject to change, so I won’t share my courses yet until they are definitive. I also applied for a grant for public transportation as I won’t be using my public transportation card in the Netherlands. And I’m assuming I probably will be using my T-Money card (티머니카드) extensively so the extra money is very much welcomed. Yes. Planning on getting a card with a cute Kakao character design. Or maybe print a custom one at Hongdae station. I’m so excited for that lmao. Next to that, my dad and I contacted our assurance brokerage asking for a tender for the new insurances I need (travel, third party liability etc.).

Visa pick-up

January 24th, 2020

Today Bo-Jenna and I went to Scheveningen again to pick up our visa. This time everything went pretty effortlessly and we were only inside for like 5 minutes. On our way to the Hague, Bo-Jenna gave me a cute ass gift: a bullet journal to document our Korea journey, with a cute ass note on the first page!! She got herself one as well, so cute. It’s funny too because in my first post on here I wrote that I will just keep this blog without having something physical to document in, but now that she got me a notebook I am suddenly motivated to write in it and especially to document together!! I feel like it’s less of a ‘must’ thing to do now that I am keeping this blog, and I think I am going to use to journal she gave me more as a personal thoughts / scrapbooky thingy. We’ll see. I’m going to put it to good use.

After we were done at the embassy, Bo-Jenna and I went to Scheveningen beach and had a drink. Right after, my sister joined us and we went for Korean Barbecue in the city. It was a first time for me. And it was good. Only it wasn’t that good when I came home, because I :) threw :) up :) a :) lot :). A LOT. Sorry if it’s a bit TMI but honestly I’m glad I found this out while still at home. I’m pretty sure it was the seafood. I now know what type of foods to avoid in Seoul.

Finances and epidemics

January 25th, 2020

Today I got some practical things done. First, I ordered an insurance packet which includes insurance for a longer stay abroad: travel, emergencies, health care, liability etc. Then, and I found this out by chance, I ordered a new debit card because mine expires in June. Normally in the Netherlands, you get a new card sent to your home, but I will be away when it expires so I’m glad I found out about this now. Then, I ordered a credit card. Which a friend of mine told me is necessary to have. To at least have a MasterCard available in case I won’t be able to pay with my regular card. And it’s good to have sorted this out early on as well because it’s hard to get one if you’re a student with limited incomes.

And the last, but really important and somewhat scary thing: the new coronavirus stemming from Wuhan, China. It’s some scary shit because it’s a new strain corona that has not been previously identified in humans and it’s spreading SO fast according to the WHO. I’m not sure to what extent I should worry about it. I’m trying to do some readings about it and see if there’s any measures I should take in terms of safety. I do know that many of the incoming exchange students are actually from China, so I am wondering how this might affect our program.

Corona virus: a pain in the ass?

January 29th, 2020

Just now, we received an alarming email regarding the recent outbreak of the new coronavirus. Myongji officials are monitoring it closely as the health and safety of their students (obviously) is their first priority. They told us to book flights which do not include transit in and out of mainland China, Hong Kong, Taiwan and Macau. So, about this, we don’t have to worry (but unfortunately, many others in the exchange program do).

BUT. What is stressing me out is, they also told us that, as more is being learned about the virus every day, we MAY be faced with a situation where they have to cancel the entire study abroad program for us. Of course, I do understand this as it is a global epidemic to which they should respond seriously, but it doesn’t alter the fact that this is the most stressful situation for me as we are supposed to leave in less than a month. We have done so much preparations... pls.... And the thing is, there are hardly any options for us left if we won’t be able to go anymore. I can’t transfer to a different foreign university anymore because most programs have started or will start soon. Also, by the time we hear from Myongji the programs in the Netherlands have started as well. I’ll really have to check with my university and insurance company as soon as possible.

Kpop took me

January 30th, 2020

No it’s not that dramatic (yet). What happened is, my credit card came in today and I got so excited I entered the raffle for BTS MAP OF THE SOUL TOUR in Seoul. I had to buy a frickkking army memership kit for it so I better got those tixxx. I also heard today BTS is coming to Rotterdam in July right after we come back, so that’s my backup plan. But going in Seoul is so much more fun and a unique experience. The only bummer is that you can only enter the raffle for just yourself and yourself only, so if Bo-Jenna wants to go we won’t be going together, as we can’t choose seats and not even the date. If anyone’s interested, my raffle choices are:

April 11th (Sat.) P seat 18:30 (KST)

April 18th (Sat.) P seat 18:30 (KST)

April 11th (Sat.) R seat 18:30 (KST)

Watch me winning tickets but not being able to go because of corona.

Preparing for a Plan B

January 31th, 2020

I checked with my insurance brokerage about a possible cancellation insurance and they will get back to me asap. What I found out is that the travel insurance I got covers cancellation when travel advise changes, so I’m not sure if that includes when it’s just my university that decides whether it is not safe to travel. So annoying. Furthermore, I was on the phone with at least 3 people from my university department about a plan B. Bo-Jenna has been busy with it as well, so my home uni already knew about the problem we’re facing. Anyways, apparently, my Year 3 coordinator told me she can enrol me in an ‘acceleration program’ as an alternative minor. I’m not entirely sure what it entails, but what I do know is that this is a minor in the Netherlands that would still allow me to travel abroad for a couple of weeks, so I would still be able to get that ‘abroad experience’, just not the one I want. But honestly, I don’t want to think about this option at all. I just want to go to Korea :( But my hopes haven’t faded. Myongji asked us to send them our flight information, so that means they are still really concerned with all the planning.

Radio Silence

February 3rd, 2020

I’m getting so nervous honestly. I have been talking with so many people going to do exchange programs at different unis in Seoul and, from what I heard; Yonsei is cancelling orientation and field trips, SNU is cancelling orientation, Sogang even pushes back their academic schedules. Korean gov apparently advises schools to not organize any large group events. No university has made a final decision on whether to cancel the entire program yet, but at least they are quite transparent about it. Myongji isn’t. It’s freaking me out. We are supposed to leave in 3 weeks!!

Certificate of Admission

February 4th, 2020

I received an email that our certificates of admission had finally arrived at our faculty’s office and that we could come and pick them up. So I decided to go to my home university really early in the morning. I honestly took so long for them to arrive, I don’t really understand why because Myongji said they would ship them using the fastest shipping method possible. The documents really were the same as the copies they send us, plus they included some practical information on dates and regulations. At school I met with my international officer and she told me that Myongji isn’t sending her emails and information regarding this situation at all. She asked me to keep her updated. It’s super weird.

Self-Quarantine

February 6th, 2020

Brace yourselves for a lot of shitty news. First of all, I wasn’t selected as a winner for the BTS concert raffle. So sad. Then the more shitty news; we got informed that Myongji will continue the exchange program. However, for everyone’s safety, they want us to sign an agreement with a coronavirus prevention guideline, and if we don't agree, they are not able to accept our admission. The agreement basically says we have to SELF-QUARANTINE for a period of 14 days. Those who applied for on-campus dorms must be able to prove that, at the time of our move-in, a minimum of 14 days has elapsed since our arrival in Korea. Also, only those who can prove that the minimum 14 days have elapsed since their arrival in Korea can take classes. We have to visit a local district office to be issued an official travel history document to prove such.

So, what this means for us is that we must isolate ourselves for 14 days since the date of our arrival in Korea, and minimize going out of our alternative place of residence (that we still have to find). 

So what we did is, Bo-Jenna and I immediately contacted our home university. I have been busy with it all day. At last, I spoke to my Year 3 coordinator on the phone and she is trying to get Myongji to be a little more lenient towards us non-risk students. There are literally zero cases in the Netherlands so far.

At the doctor’s AGAIN

February 10th, 2020

Yes. Again. But this time to get a health statement. My Year 3 coordinator asked me to get one so that they can send it as proof to Myongji to show to we show no signs over fever or coughing or whatever the symptoms of the novel corona virus may be. Even my doc thinks it’s all a bit dramatic, but we gotta do what we gotta do. He also told me he ordered face masks because the are running out EVERYWHERE, so I can go pick them up right before I leave.

Also, today I created a group chat with Bo-Jenna and the two other girls from the Netherlands who also need to look for a place to stay during those 14 days. We decide to get an Airbnb together to cut down the costs. Because my home university told me that they are not being able to give us any financial support.

Different starting date

February 12th, 2020

So I just saw, totally by chance, that Myongji is pushing back their starting date by two weeks. I already assumed this would be happening as literally all the universities in Seoul do this. But it’s so weird, because I find out while casually browsing instagram and saw a post about it only written in Korean. There are no statements in English about it and we didn’t hear anything (yet) from the international officer at Myongji. I’m guessing they will inform us, but it’s so weeeeird. I’m honestly fine with it as it means that we won’t be missing classes during our quarantine period, but I’m REALLY hoping they aren’t pushing back the ending date as well. That either means we won’t have any time left to explore the city right before we leave or we even might have to change our flights. Please pray with me.

Quarantine in Hongdae

February 14th, 2020

Today we booked our Airbnb. We found some decent place in the middle of Hongdae, super close to Hongik Univ station. Myongji recommended us to stay in either Hongdae or Sinchon, which I think is a bit weird because these areas are the most crowded areas of Seoul. But we were looking at places in Hongdae regardless as this is the student hot-spot of Seoul and really easy to travel from/to. Our place is a space with 2 bedrooms, a common room and a bathroom. It will do for those 2 weeks. Also, the host seems really nice. I’m guessing Myongji will send someone to check on us a couple of times during those 2 weeks. That’s probably why they recommended Hongdae and Sinchon to us, it’s quite close. But it sucks balls. We are not allowed to go out, only for getting absolute necessities. It’s so sad because we are in Hongdae, there’s so much to do. I guess it will be 14 days full of watching Netflix and playing Stardew Valley.

New game new name

February 15th, 2020

So, this is something I have been thinking of for quite some time now. My name, Bregje, really won’t do in Korea. It’s just unpronounceable. Quite some time ago, my Korean friend Jiwon really encouraged me to get a Korean name. I always thought it was considered not done or weird as hell for foreigners to do that and it might be really, I don’t trust him sometimes (만약 오빠 이 글을 읽고, 미안해 ㅋㅋㅋ). I even used to think my name somehow works when I transcribe it to sound somewhat the same, but I guess it doesn’t. Anyways, we discussed it some more and he suggested I go for 나현 (na-hyun) but I think that just doesn’t sound…. right. 현정 (hyun-jung) was another option but ???? feels too Kboo if I do that so I figured I have to just go by an easy international name. I took it super seriously. Yesterday I did some consulting on Reddit and decided the name ‘Becky’ (베키) works best and meets all my personal criteria. I am still debating whether I am actually going to introduce myself like this, as it feels super odd for me to do that, but it will definitely cause less confusion and frustration on my part.

Saying goodbye

February 22nd

I feel totally weirded out for some reason. The past few days I have been so stressed out. Maybe because I only finished my internship yesterday. But honestly, this corona thing is spreading like wildfire and it's scaring the shit out of me especially since a weird ass cult has been involved including a so called super spreader. Luckily, the infected area is mostly around Daegu so our program hasn't been cancelled (but the Yeungnam program has, I'm so sorry guys). I am not scared of the virus but about a sudden cancellation of the semester AFTER our arrival. But I should stop stressing.

But in better news, today I had my "goodbye party". Most of my friends were there and we had a chill afternoon of talking and they got me cute gifts and I feel so sad for leaving them. Thank you guys if you're reading this!! <3

Packing my bags

February 24th

Honestly I think packing my bags wasn't that stressful (my mom might think differently). Everything barely fit in my checked bag and my carry on exceeds the weight limit but let's just pray they aren't actually weighing our bags.

I'm so excited to go but also I feel a bit divided because we can't undertake any activity for the next two weeks. I'm sure me and the girls will have a great time regardless but this is not how I was picturing my study abroad to start off. Tomorrow I have to wake up early (5am) to go to Amsterdam airport!!

[whentherewerebicycles]

god okay I feel like I am on firm ground at last. welcome to my public diary where I must process everything aloud! but I will put it behind the cut.

here’s where my head is at re: the job…

I feel WAY better about the work after the second interview and follow-up conversation. the first interview left me with the impression that it was going to be kinda dull training work, whereas the second one made it clear that it’s actually a lot of fairly high-level design work that I think I am going to find very interesting. seems like it’ll be 1/3rd independent research and learning module design assignments, 1/3 direct one-on-one coaching or group facilitation work, and 1/3 higher-level planning & design work to build out learning and development infrastructure for a new government organization. they are also in the middle of a major restructuring/launch of a new org and they kept saying they really wanted me to feel like I could propose ideas and have a lot of room to create new stuff and establish priorities for the role, which is nice to hear.

they really liked me!!! and seemed to value my skillset. this is not crucial to the decision-making calculus lol but I feel like one thing that is frustrating about working at the same place where you were a grad student is that you are sort of forever a grad student in everyone’s eyes, no matter how long you’ve been out of grad school. I am excited to get to work in a different field with people who will only have known me as a professional.

they made it clear that they are willing and eager to spend $$$ on any professional development trainings or certifications I want to pursue. I am making a LIST!!!! like I badly want to get official training/certification in coaching and I want the agile project management certificate and and and.

it’s for sure not the kind of thing I want to do forever but I think a year in this role would help me build some practical skills and save money. I also feel way better about working for the government than doing this kind of work in the corporate world? nothing wrong with corporate work I just think that public sector work will keep me closer to where I want to be long term.

they are going to pay me an amount of money that seems insane to me and I could kinda tell they expected me to negotiate for higher in the phone call where they offered me the job. I’m going to look at the full offer letter and then ask for a little bit more just to get practice lol but regardless: it’s going to let me save so much and that is a RELIEF because I have so little in savings.

so I think I am going to take it for sure.

BUT THEN… if we get approval to use the extra $ from the foundation, I think I am going to try to negotiate a part-time role with my current job. that would mean staying in Texas longer, but it would give me the chance to finish out my lease, save a LOT of money, enjoy what is usually a glorious Texas winter, help secure long-term funding for our program, and then hire/train a new manager so the program doesn’t die when I leave. most importantly it would let me keep doing values-aligned teaching & mentoring work during this bridge year, so if I decide I don’t like working outside of a university I can make a fairly seamless transition back into that kind of work.

my university might not approve this plan but I honestly can’t see why they wouldn’t… they have plenty of money to pay a part-time salary and I’m basically offering to do this work as a service to the program. and if they don’t, then I’ll just decide what I want to do about the move at that point. I thought about it a lot after reading everyone’s comments on the option A vs. option B post and I think it’s going to be a lot to handle a major (and very abrupt) cross-country move to an unfamiliar city while also getting up to speed on a new job. I’d rather navigate those gigantic life upheavals one at a time instead of all at once.

the best part is that now instead of this summer feeling aimless and endless, I have a clear start date for new job, which means that suddenly the next three weeks are actually VACATION TIME before the next thing begins! so I can absolutely luxuriate in them instead of feeling like I am drowning in unstructured time. whoohoo!!! maybe I will even visit seattle in this time lol who can say!

[danahmbisyosangdoktora]

HI GUYS!!!! Oh my, it’s been a looooooong while. I actually went through my blog and re-read everything and I’ve noticed that I was always saying how “I don’t know what to and how to do blogging anymore” in most of my previous posts but I PROMISE THIS TIME, I LEGIT DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE OR HOW DO I DO THIS ANYMORE because I haven’t done this for like forever. It felt like I’m starting again!!! Okay sige, I’m not gonna babble more. Let’s just hop right into my post.

Okay, so as what I’ve mentioned on my previous posts, I’ve entered Third Year or the Medtech proper last school year 2016-2017 and that’s (also) the reason why I was gone for a very long time. Idk, I just found myself being swallowed by acads and all that jazz that I never really had the time to write a single blogpost. There’s so much that has happened in my entire Third Year life and I wish I could’ve had written any of’em and immortalize the memories on this blog and hark back to those times... but sadly, I didn’t. Anyway, as you can probably tell on the title, this post would be a “rundown” of my experience as a Third Year Medical Technology student.

(Wait, how do I start?)

We started the school year earlier than the normal students in our university due to the reason that we were trying to chase the schedule for the 1-year internship so everything would fit and we would end just right on time for the graduation (yikes chills) because as you all know, we are one of those pabibo schools who embraced the academic calendar shift. So the clinical subjects I took this year are as follows:

1st Semester

MIC111 – Bacteriology

PAR100 – Clinical Parasitology

GPHC100 – General Pathology, Histopathology and Cytopathology

CC111 – Routine Clinical Chemistry

HEMA111 – Hematology 1

MTLBE100 – Medical Technology Laws and Bioethics

LMS100 – Laboratory Management and Supervision

2nd Semester

MIC112 – Mycology and Virology

UBF100 – Urinalysis and Body Fluids (Clinical Microscopy)

HEMA112 – Hematology 2

SIM100 – Serology and Immunology

CC112 – Continuation of CC1/ Special Chemistry

CC113 – Endocrinology, Toxicology and Drug Testing

IMH100 – Immunohematology (Blood Banking and Transfusion Medicine)

 I can’t believe I already passed all these subjects let alone the first sem subjects!!!! Personally, I think First semester is harder than the Second Semester idk maybe because it’s the time when we were just and still adapting to the new and toxic environment of Third Year life and the transition is quite overwhelming. Also, the passing rate was raised from 60% in Second Year to 70% in Third Year. I CAN’T EVEN!!! Plus the laboratory practical exams had an upgrade to like 5x that of the Second Year pracs. There’s legit a time when I went back to my dorm during lunch break just to cry because of a practical exam and a fair share of tears were shed at nights when I have no idea how to fit and finish everything before the sunrise. Also there’s a day when, for the first time in my life, I called my mom after I got back in my dorm from school and cried for my dear life because EVERYTHING WAS SO HARD.

It’s also during First Semester when I learned how essential it is to know the time difference from night (let’s say 7pm) to 5am the next day and how to utilize it very well because your life literally depends on how you manage and distribute it to sleeping and studying because you know, you’ll only have to read 1-3 chapters per subject and you only have like 3 quizzes the next day for the lecture and probably a practical exam or a long quiz for the laboratory in the afternoon. JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PREPARE FOR THAT IN LESS THAN 10HRS???--- is all I was thinking then. That’s how resentful and pitiful I was back then.

We were taught the laboratory skills we need— Venipuncture (of course! the freaking highlight and a must), Blood Smearing, Staining, Pipetting!! Oh God forbid, I loathe glass pipetting so much! Direct Fecal Smear... and all medtech-y skills. I love Bacteriology so much. It was the subject I got the highest grade during First Semester. The lecture and laboratory were both the bomb.com. But ofc, I wouldn’t forget the anxiety the Unknown has given us. For our finals in the lab, we were given unknown organisms and we were to identify it via Biochemical Testing and everything we were taught of on how to identify such. It took me so long to decide what my organism was because some of the biochemical test results weren’t at par with theoretical information so imagine my anguish. Our grades basically depended on it so... yeah.

 but in the end, I decided it was Enterobacter cloacae.

Another memory from First Semester is the time when we were to submit Enterobius swabs as additional points for our Parasitology laboratory. I took my bestfriend with me to hunt down possible patients. It was such a memorable experience, I have no more words. I poured all the feels on this Facebook post.

 Also, I’ll never forget about First Semester is the day when we had our Grand Practical Exam in our laboratory subjects and it was the time when 3rd Floor HSC was in a total dishevelment. We were taking turns and rotating in different labs to have our moving practical exams simultaneously--- one section is having their Histopath moving pracs, the other is having their Bacte moving pracs, then another section is on the roil in Hematology moving pracs while the other one is having their Parasitology Moving Pracs and the like. That was the most intense day ever imaginable.

Also on that day, was the first time I was able to extract blood on a practical exam!!! I can never forget how stupid I may have looked for shouting “Hala may dugo” when blood oozed out from my partner’s vein. I was never able to bleed my partner in almost all the practicals we had due to my infamous phobia with needles and I was legit surprised and awed when a blood came out that day!!!

For the events of Second Semester... I’m not really sure?? lol even though it’s the more recent semester, I can’t remember much from it coz it went like a blur to me. It was so fast it was so unreal that it actually happened!!! (and that I passed!)

Okay. One thing I could say about Second Semester is that I fancy UBF hahahaha I’m not sure if it’s the subject itself or teacher factor hahahaha but to be honest, it was so fun to study and probably the easiest of the panel of subjects for second semester (or so I thought).

The laboratory learning and insights this semester gave me more of the medtech feels because most of the experiments/tests we did in the lab were the ones that are being performed in the actual laboratory setting. I will never forget the struggle of dilution in Serology lab. We aren’t allowed to use calculators during the entire semester and of course as someone who absolutely hates math and computation, that’s. the. worst. nightmare. ever. So given that situation, imagine our surprise during the Final Laboratory Written examination when our instructor finally allowed us to use calculator. Everybody in the class was in awe because that’s super unexpected. We didn’t have much of moving practical exams this sem compared to the numerous ones we had on first semester. The practical exams this time were more like skills-based and principle application. Slide identification-kind-of-moving practicals was surprisingly nakakamiss.

Self-pity time: Two semester have passed and no one was able to extract blood from me huhuhu do I even have veins??? :------(

Just to give you some insight, there are:

4 major examinations in each lecture subjects

2 major written examination in each laboratory subjects

(100-item identification)

Moving Practical Exam in each laboratory subjects

Skills/Application Practical Exam in each laboratory subjects

Pre and post quizzes in every meeting in each lecture subjects

Pre and post quizzes in every laboratory experiments

Long Quizzes every after chapter

Long Quizzes before major examination in each lecture subject

Long Quizzes before major examination in each laboratory subjects

Surprise quizzes whenever the professor would like

Not to mention the drawings of each specimen in laboratory manuals in each laboratory subject

2 Journal readings in each lecture subject

So ayun, hindi po kami OA and nag-iinarte. Our lives literally revolve in exams and quizzes.

Moving on, last May 09, we had our Pre-Internship Program which is a prerequisite before you can proceed to the actual internship. On that exact day,we took a 700-item Diagnostic Examination without any notice and I literally just came back from an 8-hour trip because I went home in Bicol so I was sitting for like 14 hours straight!!! We had series of practical examinations for two weeks, a Phlebotomy seminar with BD Philippines, a tour in a National Reference Laboratory which is the National Kidney Institute and an Oral Revalida.

CAUTION: Photospam ahead.

I’m not sure if this is enough to summarize everything because I can feel that it’s not even in the slightest bit justified on this post. Maybe it’s one of the wonders of life that cannot be really put into words. (But you tried, self what are you doing hahaha)

Suffice to say that all these experiences; the nerve-racking and heartbreaking quizzes, no-sleep days, tears, sweats, blood (hahahaha legit), cramming moments and all other hardships are the variables which played significant roles in this endeavour which lead me to where I am heading right now. I’m so happy and proud to share to you guys the next step I’m taking in this career path. I am now officially a Medical Technology Intern at St. Luke’s Medical Center – Quezon City under the Institute of Pathology. I know, I can’t believe it myself that I was able to pass through the needle-hole like hurdle you call “Third Year life”. SLMC is actually my first-in since we are to undergo 1-year internship and we will be having our second-in next semester in another hospital.

 I will be forever thankful to Trinity University of Asia especially to Dean Rodriguez for always making sure that the quality of education/ training is there. Thank you for a super hands-on laboratory experience and our very own DIagnostic Laboratory in the 4th Floor. It’s like a simulation of the environment that we will be facing in the near future. Would also like to thank our Clinical Instructors:

Mam Majo Liao

Sir Jude Anthony Trinidad

Dra. Mary Anne Isip

Sir Mark Francisco

Sir Mel Destacamento

Mam Gigi Dayrit

Mam Violie Bascao

Mam Suzzette Lumanga

Mam Rona Gonzaga

Sir Joshua Descamparado

Sir Nikko Onate

Mam Krystal Tio

 for gearing us up with all the lectures, wisdom and skills that we would need  to be the Medical Technologists that we are aiming to be.

 ---------------------------

Other significant life events during the course of Third Year life:

 I became an Altar Server at the Shrine of Jesus the Divine Word. Hashtag dream come true.

I was elected Medical Technology Councilor in the University Student Council. Hashtag unreal.

All glory and praise to the Lord God above. Thank you for guiding me in almost everything I do. Thank you also St. Jude Thaddeus for interceding for me. Forever grateful and blessed.

That’s pretty much how I can sum up my Third Year life. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thank you so much for reading yet another long blog post of mine. See you on my next post (hopefully there’s a next)!!!

[jungjoobunny]

Top Moments of 2016

A little late since I was drowning in work around new years this year but I ALWAYS always do a yearly reflection ever since my xanger days so better late than never! I usually reflect over how I grew and make a “new years resolution” and I’m one of those people who actually focus on it and reflect on how I’m doing on it monthly. Except I make it more of a growth oriented theme that’s hard to quantify, rather than just something to be easily checked off. 

So 2015 I learned a lot about confidence, sticking up for myself, and finding my voice and I guess that’s been an overarching theme over the last few years. 2016 was similar, I learned to know myself, my values, and stand up for myself. 2016 was a hard year, full of DRAMA, plot twists, lots of tears and confusion. But through it all, I especially learned a lot about relationships, how they are two sided and that knowing your self worth is essential to having healthy relationships. 

By top, I don’t mean best. Just top moments. 

Finding my people in Cheongju - Let’s start off with a positive since this was like one of the few positive things that happened this year in the midst of all the shit that went down. I spontaneously decided to go to an event by CJ Language Exchange Club even though I didn’t really want to. This night changed my life though. I met a lot of great people that became my friends and one friend (we’ll say best friend) especially became a huge influence in my life and helped me with toxic relationships and some of my bad habits. It was like meeting a long lost sibling or best friend. Whenever I’m sad or have a hard time falling asleep, I think of our fun times and laugh and then fall asleep.

Being hospitalized and quarantined for a month in Seoul - Just as I thought my life couldn’t be more like a Korean drama, I was suddenly hospitalized after I was sick for a week and started coughing up blood. [gasp]  How ironic is it that i was hospitalized the day it was National TB Immunization Day in Korea? Hahaha. Apparently I caught it cuz my immune system was down (I blame my school for overworking me). I got to miss about a month and a half of school and was all over the Korean news. FOREIGN TEACHER MISS A GETS TB ALL 500 STUDENTS AND FACULTY MUST BE XRAYED AND TESTED. Yeap, that’s my fame to claim. My kids were happy to miss class due to testing thanks to me teehee. The doctors said I could have died or my lungs could have been ruined if I had come in later. Rode in an ambulancia for the first time in my life.

Finally getting discharged from the hospital - I got pretty sick of doing nothing everyday in the hospital besides watching the entire season of Produce 101 (Kim Nayoung was robbed y’all. #Justiceforkimnayoung). I missed cherry blossom season and just watched the days go by. I practically missed spring!! Anyways, I was so happy to be discharged and go home. I almost threw up in Gangnam station though haha. I was thankful for all of the people who came to visit me and brought me food like fruits and ice cream. So I made a facebook post on the day I left, thanking everyone and put all those stickers vertically on the side of the picture but i dk for some reason fb messed up my picture making me look technologically inept lol. 

Joining swing dance club -  I joined this just ‘cause but ended up making more cool friends and having so much fun. Dammit why do I always make friends whenever it’s the end of a program or something? Yeah, this was around the time I announced that I had to leave Korea. 

My friend R visiting me in Korea - We first met in Korea in 2011 and did a travel reunion and we also went to Jeju, where I discovered that the amoeba shaped island is so freakn far apart that you need a car to get anywhere if you don’t want to get stranded waiting for a bus in the middle of a forest. Swing Dance Club bought me a cake as a going away present. As you can see, I was so happy that day, but at the same time this was the most turbulent and worst time of my life for other reasons aka the reason I left Korea. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I told the best friend I was leaving around this time and best friend didn’t take it very well. 

Saying goodbye to Cheongju - Saying goodbye to the place that was my second home and my refuge was hard. From the pictures I was smiling through it all but on the plane I uploaded these pics on facebook and then cried. I didn’t want to leave. I think I made the right choice though, now that I’m here. Near my last days I wanted to see the night view of Cheongju so my friends drove us up to see it. It was my last wish!

Started grad school at Upenn - I think God guides by circumstances and now that I look back I’m glad I ended up here by circumstances. I’m learning a lot and getting my masters in something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. It was a rough season of transition and dealing with loss though. Around this time my faith hit an all time low. Not in the sense of doubt, but in the sense that my ideas of God and faith were transforming and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I also realized I’d been suffering from PTSD and depression/anxiety.

I sprained my ankle - Hahaha I’ve never broken a bone or sprained anything in my life before. 2016 was rough man. My mom took this pic when I was sleeping. I thought it was cute. 

Visited my friend F in ATL - My high school friend noticed I was having a hard time and flew me down to Georgia. Here we are visiting his art school. They randomly had swings in the hallway. Pretty cool. They say that through the rough times, you know who your real friends are. It’s true. 

My first business trip! - Well, there’s justice after all. I started working with this company in Seoul and they flew me to Portland, San Francisco and Korea! So I didn’t leave Korea in vain, there was a path after all.  I stayed in Korea for 3 weeks. I love hotels so I’m using this picture haha. Korea for business was fun but exhausting. Worked so much! But at least I got to see people and celebrate my birthday and Christmas with my friends. 

My goal for 2016 was to learn self respect more and stand up for myself. Get mad when I have to. Find my voice and be more confident. I think I did okay but not great. I definitely got mad and expressed it though. 

This year, I want to stay in the same theme but focus on valuing and loving self / self worth through investing in myself. This means putting myself first and my needs first. Taking care of myself. Doing what I want to do because I want to. Doing my hobbies for me. Not feeling sorry or guilty to others, and just focusing on ME. I’m working on it.

See ya in 2018.

[alexange92]

A little of My Story!

Here’s a little bit of the story of how I got to where I am and all the exciting things going on in my life!

I remember back when I was a fourteen-year-old homeschooler how excited I got when flipping through a popular homeschooling ministry magazine and seeing images of a Christian Film Festival put on by them. Christians can make movies too?! That concept wasn’t really something I ever thought about or considered. I had always loved movies and was fascinated by the filmmaking process. But that moment, some spark deep down inside somewhere was lit and remained hidden there.

Time passed. Some really good Christian produced films started coming out. I remember watching one with my family one night. At first, I must admit, I was skeptical because all of the “Christian” movies I’d ever seen were… well, corny and B-rated. And although this one wasn’t without it’s little Christianese quirks, the story was good and truly touched my heart, as well as strengthened my faith! I think it was then that I was truly struck by how powerful a tool film can be and it excited me! And that little spark was kindled again and began to glow brighter.

I pulled out my cheap little video camera and began making “movies” with my brother and friends. I began to understand the concepts of cutting, timing, framing, composition, and different shot angles that help tell a story, and passionately read every book I could find on the subject.

Over the years that followed, since I live in Georgia and they film literally everywhere, sometimes I would see film shoots going on- even just driving by down the street. I felt so drawn to it; it took every ounce of restrain I had not to jump out of our moving vehicle just to see what was going on and be a part of it in some way!

While I worked a little part time job in the children’s section of my town library, my brother and I began video production for people, conferences, and ministries. I loved doing media production and seeing my videos put out there for people to see and enjoy.

Then came a really long and challenging season in my life. I felt stuck. I’m sure you know the feeling! As a young woman passed the age of 20 and having gone through a failed relationship, I felt like I was just spinning my wheels. Getting nowhere and feeling purposeless. To be honest, I tolerated my job. Even though I got to work with the kids and have loads of fun, I felt like I didn’t really belong there- at least not for long. I knew it was just a temporary season in my life and that God would move me on eventually, so I began to pray for Him to lead me!

Working in the kid’s department gave me many opportunities to satisfy my artistic side. I got to really use my imagination and make some really cool projects, decorations, and art work for the different themed Summer Reading Programs. Not bragging, but I made some pretty awesome and fun stuff! The kids would come in and see my giant, green T-Rex and say “Mom, look- a dinosaur!”, or they’d delightedly see my little Olaf snowman (from Frozen) and run right over to it with smiles, which made me smile in turn. I got to talk with and get to know kids, young adults and adults, too.

Being at the library was awesome, too, because I was constantly surrounded by pure inspiration! So many books everywhere. Successful storytellers who followed their dreams and never gave up on the stories their heart needed to tell, as evidenced by the physical proof of their books on the many shelves I had to straighten. I wanted to tell stories too. I wanted to inspire others. Being surrounded by the works of people who felt the same way I did and was brave enough to take that action was more than encouraging. (Besides, I am a total book worm and can get lost for hours in a book store $$$... So being at the library all the time saved me loads of money!!)

While praying for direction during that time, I found some really great books on Graphic Design. I checked the same book out at least 5 times in a row (Lol, sorry to anyone else who was looking for it!). I couldn’t get enough of how cool graphic design was! So, I began looking at a few colleges in the area offering those classes.

I started my first class for a Graphic Design Certification in the Spring of 2015. Going to school was like a breath of fresh air for me! I did really well and my instructor (shout out to you Ms. V!) was fantastic! At the end of the semester I made top of the class and my teacher emailed me saying that if I attended school full-time, she could get me a job there in the design and media production department. I was thrilled! This was the Open Door I had been praying for!

I eventually transitioned from my library job to my new job at Georgia Piedmont Technical College. Since I had to choose a major, I chose the thing that called out to me most- Television production (as they didn’t have a Film course. I liked doing Graphic Design, but didn’t feel like it was something I should major in). The school had just hired a new instructor (shout out to you Mr. Jenkins!) who got the program on its feet! I learned a lot there and met a bunch of great people. I got to work on my fellow student’s, Carol, documentary talk show, interviewing several beautiful Atlanta dance community dancers, and actress Trina Parks, who was a pure delight!  I got to tour Channel 2 in Atlanta with my class and meet the morning news anchors and the fantastic people behind the scenes. In the summer of 2016 I had the opportunity to work on the late Tommy Ford’s documentary, Through My Lens, and met some wonderful people through that as well. I also got to compete in SkillsUSA for video production with my classmate, Love McNill, and win first in the State of Georgia, and third in the Country!

It was a fun, busy, challenging time to say the least! But something in my spirit was telling me that it was almost time for me to move on again. And although I was learning a lot about television production, I felt like I was lacking in what I truly wanted to focus on and I began to really suspect that my degree from that school might not get me where I needed to go.

Then God opened a new door for me. I learned of another school (a little farther away) with a very reputable film program, and spoke to the adviser (shout out to you Mrs. Ann!!!) there. For some reason, I just felt really positive about this school. The program seemed more focused on what I wanted to learn- real Filmmaking! I mentioned to her that I would totally come to this school if I could, but if I left my current school, since I was a student worker, I would lose my job. Then she did the most incredible, life changing thing anyone has ever done for me. She said, “Oh, we need a work-study. The job is yours!” I was flabbergasted! No interview, no resume or references required.

Fast forward half a year later and here I am! A proud student and employee of Southern Crescent Technical College, as well as a student currently attending the Georgia Film Academy at Pinewood Studios. I am learning so much- everything I’ve ever wanted to learn! I’ve made so many great friends who are just as enthusiastic as I am about filmmaking and learning, and every one of them teaches me something new every day. It feels so natural to be on film sets and I have never felt more at peace to be somewhere at any season in my life. And it is absolutely AMAZING to wake up every morning and think “Yay! I get to go to school today!”.

Did I ever see myself going to film school? Not in my wildest dreams! But here I am, through no act of my own, except that of taking one small prayerful step of faith at a time. I am constantly challenged and growing in many areas of my life, but especially in my faith! To see how God has brought me to where I am now and the people he has brought me in contact with, the mentors He’s put in my life… how can I doubt that He has a purpose for me in the film industry?

I also firmly believe that if He has gifted you with a talent or a desire to do something, then it’s probably meant for you to do it. Sometimes it takes Crazy Faith!

Although I may not know where the road will lead yet, I know I am going to get there as I continue walking in faith and allowing God take me to where He wants me to be. So, I am just gonna keep on going! Keep Pursuing Purpose. Keep Dreaming Big. Keep Believing. Keep Trusting. Keep Learning. Keep Listening. Keep Living for God, Serving His kingdom, and Striving for excellence in everything I set my hand to do!

FADE OUT

[jefflauis]

CMC 2016

About a year and a half ago, I joined the executive team of the Chinese Mission Convention's youth program as the small group coordinator. I had served as a small group leader at this convention back in 2010 and 2013 and was psyched to be able to serve behind the scenes from the administrative side. Compared to being a small group leader, the challenges of being on the exec team are very different but rewards are very similar.

As a small group leader, you mainly interact with your assigned small group. Whether you have a younger or older group, the challenges are fairly the same:

What if my group is too rowdy? What if my group doesn't get along? What if someone talks too much? What if no one talks at all? How do I create a safe environment for people to be vulnerable? How do I build a community within the group? How do I cater to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of my group?

From the administrative side, the scope is sometimes (as expected) much wider and sometimes very specific:

Parent A is looking for their child. Which small group is he/she in and where are they situated?

Student C disappeared after lunch but mentioned she wasn't feeling well, how do we calm the SGL down and distribute resources to find the student?

5 kids have bloody noses and another has scraps from tripping while trying to parkour (lol). Deal with it.

Are workshops running smoothly? Do we have tomorrow's events planned out yet? Do we have *today's* events planned out yet? How is tonight's game going to be run? Do the small group leaders have everything they need to do their job?

Ultimately, during the convention, our small group leaders are the stars of the show. The exec team has the privilege of preparing and making sure things fall in line to give our SGL's the context to engage with their group. From getting workshop leaders to coordinating with the guest speakers to creating and judging instagram challenges, it's all for one purpose: can we challenge our youth to question and live out their belief in the gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ crucified for the forgiveness of our sins and for the glory of God the Father? Can we create a space for the Holy Spirit to unleash our youth from the chains of a works-based salvation to live and glorify God in a grace-based salvation instead?

To that end, I had the joy of preparing and running two speaker panels, one with our main guest speakers(Kenneth Bae, Jae Jin, and Erik Fish) and one with two men from a local transitional house to engage our students with different perspectives of God's hand in different fields of ministry. I also coordinated soup kitchen service projects for all our seniors to go on as well as the creation of over 400 care packages that were distributed to 5 different shelters around Baltimore. All the while, answering parent's questions and briefing our SGL's every morning and debriefing and getting feedback every evening.

Looking back, I'm extremely proud of what we were able to accomplish but there were many things that I ended up doing last minute preparation for. As a result, I didn't get to sleep very much (several nights, I slept after everyone else in my room and left before they got up in the morning), I didn't get to talk and care for my SGL's throughout the day because I was too busy preparing for the next thing, and I didn't listen to a lot of our sessions because of the same reason. If it weren't for the love and prayers of friends, my SGL's and the rest of the exec team, I don't know if we could have accomplished all that we had. But God clearly had better plans for us.

Speaking of things that could have gone badly but ended up working for our good, many of our students did not agree with the sermons preached by our main speaker, Erik Fish. Erik is best known for teaching evangelism that is based in scripture but without the trappings of established churches like membership class, formal baptisms, leadership structure, etc. Having talked with him more personally, I believe he is a brother who loves Jesus and wants to share him with as many as possible. In the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 2, "I did not come...with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified".

Erik shared an awe-inspiring testimony of answered prayers, instantly changed hearts, miracle healings, and demonic possessions.

Unfortunately, all this doesn't mesh very well with youth who grow up in the strict structure of the Chinese church, let alone Asian culture in general. We had many students who had never heard of spiritual warfare and demonic possessions before and were now terrified. Other students were skeptical at the miracle healings because they had been taught those don't happen anymore. Still, other students began to doubt their faith, believing that if they truly believed in Jesus as their savior, they would have similar testimonies of conversions like Erik did. All this led to our SGL's fielding unexpected questions and challenging situations as well and simply added to the frenzy of the convention. But again, God had much better plans for us.

The silver lining in all this is two-fold. First, everyone eventually learns that even within Christianity (especially within Christianity), there are many different perspectives that should not detract from the central belief that Jesus died for the forgiveness of our sins and our confession of Him as Lord renews hearts and changes lives to live not for ourselves but for the ultimate glorification of God. This is primary and is a necessity. In everything else, we have liberty. I believe this was a great time and the perfect context for the youth to engage with this idea.

Secondly, the disagreements and doubts that were raised during the convention caused many students to begin the tough process of considering and concluding for themselves what their own beliefs were and where they stand in terms of their faith/trust in Jesus as their Lord and Savior (even that phrase, "Jesus as Lord and Savior" needs to be chewed on for a long time). Again, I believe CMC was the perfect context for these questions to be raised.

The best part in all this, the workshops, the community service, the sleepless nights, the caffeine dependency, and the unending prayers for strength, is that on the last night, after staring Francis Chan in the face and nodding off, I woke up and watched small group leaders and youth program students approach the front of the room in a response to a call to missions/full-time ministry. Now, to be frank, it was only a handful of individuals compared to the 400+ total students in the program. But to be able to see God at work despite our flaws and despite our tiredness was extremely humbling. I told myself in that moment that if I could do this...work to create a space for God to work in the lives of my fellow brothers and sisters...every day, it would be worth any sacrifice.

Later that night, as the students shared their testimonies of their experience at CMC in the past and in the present, we witnessed God break down shame, fear, and doubt and replaced it with courage, boldness, and a confidence rooted in the only One who is mighty enough to save us from our sin. And if I were to share with the rest of the students during that time, I would have said the same thing: God met me at CMC 6 years ago. My life hasn't been the same since.