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threeletterslife · 2 months

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36 | Legends of Darlaria

⨰ summary: You wake up in yet another unfamiliar place. This time, however, these strangers seem to recognize you. With your previous judgments and aspirations thrown out the window, you're now forced to face where your loyalties really lie. Who will you betray? And which General will you choose to stand by his side?

⨰ pairing/rating: yoongi x reader & jungkook x reader | PG-15

⨰ genre: 70% angst, 30% fluff | war!au & magic!au

⨰ warnings: profanity, brief mentions of blood and injuries

⨰ wordcount: 3.4k

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⧖⧗Many, Many Circas Ago⧗⧖

Fighting for your nation should be an honor. And after training in the castle grounds for nearly five years, you were supposedly more than prepared to go to war. Graduation was only a week away.

You hoped it was normal to feel nervous about serving your nation, but then again, your level of discomfort seemed to surpass any ordinary level of nervosity. You’d been unable to get up from your bed, calling in sick from training for the past two days. Any food you consumed didn’t want to stay down. You were constantly ensconced in your thick covers, alone with your thoughts and as a result, spiraling quite intensely.

When the covers managed to suffocate you more than your thoughts, you allowed your head to peek out momentarily to breathe in fresh air. Before you slipped back under your sheets, however, you caught sight of the swirling canvas up on your ceiling. The shades of purple thread undulated in hypnotic movements that you could not discern. It was frustrating, knowing that the readings of the future were just above you, yet in a language you were unfamiliar with. The threads mocked you, reminded you of your lack of skill in divination, and evoked memories of your disappointed parents.

Hajin sensed your low spirits, and though she wasn’t sure why you were so upset, she thankfully didn’t ask any questions. Instead, she did her best to cheer you up.

“Hey, let’s check out the tunnels again before we leave! Ooh, I know! Then, we’ll have a delicious deviled egg feast! Come on, come, Y/N, let’s go!”

Through the tunnels, she took you to the 1st city, which was really the last place you wanted to go, yet you didn’t have it in you to tell her.

“You see all those soldiers?” Hajin asked, giddy with excitement. “We’re going to be one of them! We’ll get to wear their fancy uniforms! And you’ll get to be closer to Jungkook,” she teased with a wink.

You tried to smile, but out of the corner of your eye, you spotted a soldier limping away on a bandaged-up leg. Fresh blood seeped through the white gauze, and more spots blossomed with each pained step they took. You saw a soldier vomiting up her lunch as another soldier held her hair out of the way. Both were holding back tears. A crowd of medics passed by in front of the bush you and Hajin were hiding behind, carrying an unrecognizably burned person on a stretcher. Something told you that they weren’t on the way to the infirmary.

You looked away.

Hajin frowned at your silence. “You’re nervous,” she said.

You nodded, though nervosity was only scratching the surface.

Hajin grasped your hands, squeezing them tightly. “It’s okay,” she said in her most soothing, grownup voice. “You and I are in this together! I’d climb Guseul’s Hill for you, Y/N. Without hesitation and a thousand times over if I had to.” She grinned. “We’re going to march into this damn city next week, and we’re going to kick some Solarian ass! Are you with me?”

You couldn’t say no, not to Hajin’s face, so you faked a smile. “Of course I am,” you said, squeezing her hands back. “I’d climb Guseul’s Hill for you, too, Hajin. I’ll always be with you.” This was the truth.

“Damn right!” Hajin said, letting go of your hands to pump a fist in the air. “Now, come on, let’s get back to the 12th city. Our deviled eggs are waiting!”

With Hajin’s coaxing, you managed to stay out of sulking in bed for the next few days. It was easier to pretend things were okay when you realized you couldn’t possibly screw up your best friend’s dream of marching into the 1st city with you. So you ate deviled eggs and explored the tunnels and kept a pleasing smile on your face, though you felt like crumbling on the inside.

Jungkook wasn’t so easily fooled by your mask of emotions. When he came back to the 12th city under orders from General Son, you greeted him with a wide smile while Hajin gave him an annoyed eye roll, but she failed to hide the grin on her face. Jungkook’s gaze shifted to your fingers tugging frantically at your necklace.

Something wrong? he tapped discreetly in monocode.

I’m fine, you tapped back.

But you weren’t. Because it was three days before graduation. And now there was another thing to worry about.

You’re not fine, Jungkook responded. You’re nervous about being called into the throne room.

He could read you so well.

Don’t worry. I’m sure General Son and the king have nothing but good news for us.

You hoped that was true.

You always knew Jungkook had nerves of steel. You wished you could learn a thing or two from him in that regard, but it was difficult to, considering that yours and his presence have been requested by both the Darlaean General and King. Even now, you weren’t sure how Jungkook wasn’t nervous, standing before these two men weathered and wisened by tragedy and the burden of leadership. You couldn’t imagine this being about good news.

But perhaps it was the divinist in Jungkook who knew all along what this conversation was supposed to be about.

“My daughter, my near son-in-law,�� Hoseok said. “Thank you for coming at such short notice.”

General Son stood behind him, watching quietly.

“I do hope we did not make you nervous, calling for you at such an odd time, only three days before your graduation, Y/N,” Hoseok continued. “But time is of the essence. In three days, I will be alone in this grand castle, with the last of my family 11 cities away.” Hoseok paused, only to smile quite proudly at you and Jungkook. You tried hard to hide the confusion from manifesting in your expression.

“Taegi tells me that the two of you are quite talented,” Hoseok said. “He has called you time and time again, the future leaders of the army, though he wouldn’t approve of the fact that I’m now sharing this with you. He prefers to keep his compliments to himself.”

General Son gave no discernible reaction, though you noticed a slight twitch of his left eye.

“You must be puzzled with where I might be going with this,” Hoseok said. “But I am humbly asking you for a favor.”

“A favor,” you repeated quietly. This time, you couldn’t hide the confusion on your face.

“Yes, my dear,” Hoseok said. “I am beseeching the two of you, not as a royal subject but as a father.”

Hajin’s face immediately flashed in your mind.

“You’d like us to protect your daughter,” Jungkook said.

But of course. It made sense now.

Hoseok smiled. “Hajin is… eager,” he said. “Sometimes a little too eager, and I must admit in confidentiality that she is not quite up to par with the two of you yet.”

That hurt hearing this come from Hajin’s own father.

“We’ll look out for her on the battlefield, Your Majesty,” Jungkook said without missing a beat. “I’ll do everything in my power to protect the Princess of Darlae.”

As much as you thought Hajin was perfectly capable of protecting herself, you didn’t want to risk losing a friend you considered a sister. Her father was only doing this because he loved his daughter—the last heir of the Jung Dynasty. He’d do anything to ensure her safety, even if it meant deploying Hajin’s two closest friends to secretly protect her, despite that might hurting her pride. It would truly break Hajin’s heart if she found out. But she’d still be alive.

“I’ll protect Hajin as if my life depended on it,” you said. “I promise.”

Hoseok looked relieved at your and Jungkook’s overwhelmingly positive responses, yet the relief failed to erase the dark circles sagging under his eyes. It pained you to think that he lost sleep over worrying about his daughter going to war.

“You don’t have to worry,” you said. “I’ll ask her to write to you often, and we’ll come visit when we can.” Somehow, attempting to solace another helped you momentarily forget about your own worries.

“That would be lovely, my dear,” Hoseok said, smiling at you with kind eyes. “Thank you. Both of you. But remember, though I ask of you to protect Hajin, never cease to protect yourselves. The two of you are the future of Darlae.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty.” Jungkook beamed brightly next to you. “We won’t disappoint you.”

You could only smile nervously.

“Ah, well, that was what I wanted to discuss with you today,” Hoseok said. “Although Taegi has a few things he wanted to say that he believed would sound better coming from him than me.”

You’d nearly forgotten General Son had been in the room. But here he was, stepping out from behind Hoseok, his face neutral despite the king’s teasing. “You heard from Hoseok what I think of the two of you.” He gave you and Jungkook equally long looks. “This means that I will train you even harder. I will expect even more of the two of you. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir!” you and Jungkook chimed in unison out of habit.

“Good, good,” he said. “I’m sure you already know, Private Jungkook, that the war is not a playground.” He stared at you, though it really felt like he was peering into your soul. “Cadet, there are no ranking boards out there and surely no second chances. You must do things correctly the first time or die. That is the reality of the war. You will shed your youth as you shed your cadet title in three days.”

Suddenly, your worries rushed back. A deep, hollow pit began growing in your stomach.

“Oh, Taegi, don’t scare your best soldiers, now,” Hoseok laughed, but General Son didn’t respond. He only stared at you, which made you want to shrink, run back under your covers and stay there until graduation.

Even after you and Jungkook had been dismissed, you couldn’t stop thinking about General Son’s words, replaying them in his gruff voice over and over again in your head.

You must do things correctly the first time or die.

You recalled the limping soldier, his face twisting in pain every time he dragged his injured leg forward, new splots of dark red blood appearing on the snowy white gauze.

That is the reality of the war.

This time, you saw the vomiting soldier on the verge of tears. She was holding her stomach, doubled over as she hacked the contents of her breakfast.

You will shed your youth as you shed your cadet title in three days.

The vision of the completely incinerated body on the stretcher flashed in your mind.

You couldn’t bear it, and so you covered your face with your hands, pressing your fingers hard against your forehead as if that would erase the vivid images from your head.

“You have a lot on your mind,” Jungkook said softly. You were lying on the bed, face covered, and he was sitting at the edge, flipping the page of a strategy book he’d picked up a couple of hours ago. “Was it what General Son said today?”

“I guess…” You kept your face covered. “I’m just… I’m so nervous.”

Jungkook set his book down. “You have nothing to be nervous about.”

But that wasn’t true at all. Most of your life—ever since you began your studies at Botswana—you’ve been told that you were talented. So much so that you were beginning to believe it. But being talented didn’t mean you were invincible. If you were set on fire, you would still die a slow, painful death. Just like everybody else. Just like the soldier burned to a crisp on the stretcher. And if it wasn’t you on the stretcher, you’d still have to witness the flames on the battlefield kill your comrades. You’d come back to the 1st city vomiting and never being able to keep your food in your stomach. Or you’d come back with scars, an unwalkable leg and trauma that would never go away until you were inevitably scorched to death.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you out here,” Jungkook whispered as if reading your thoughts.

You shook your head, your hands coming away from your face. “You’re going to be a hell of a lot busy then, Private, protecting both me and the crown princess.”

“I can handle it, cadet,” he said with a gentle smile.

There was a small pause.

“I know you’re scared,” Jungkook said. “You shouldn’t be.” He leaned back to place a gentle hand over yours.

He knew. Perhaps he knew all along. It was fear that ate your insides, that made you unable to climb out of bed, that made you want to stay in the security of the 12th city. It was fear that was holding you back from becoming your nation’s pride. It was also fear that made honoring your nation simply not worth the trouble. He knew you so well that there was no use hiding it anymore.

“I can’t help it,” you replied, feeling your insides twist. “I’m not like you, Jungkook. I can’t just… go to war because my superior told me to. I mean, I have to, and in three days, I will… But I…” You had to stop yourself from speaking because you could feel tears welling up in your eyes.

“Don’t cry,” Jungkook said, using his free hand to wipe away your tears before they rolled down your face. “Sometimes I think you’re too kind for the war, Y/N.”

“Maybe I am,” you whispered. “No,” you said, shaking your head. “I’m a coward. I’m scared of death, Jungkook. No, I’m scared of the process of death on that battlefield. I’m scared of being in pain. I’m scared of living the last few seconds of my life in panic, in agony, in fear. I-I… I think I’m more scared of getting hurt than inflicting that pain on someone else. I haven’t been sleeping and eating because I’ve been so scared. I haven’t even graduated yet! It’s so pathetic.” More tears rolled down your face. You caught them with the sleeve of your gown. “I don’t deserve to be a soldier.”

Much less be the future of Darlae.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a long time. But you knew he was only thinking of the right thing to say. He wasn’t the best at sugarcoating his words, but he tried very hard to do it for you. He held onto your hand tightly, rubbing his thumb over your skin. Finally, he spoke.

“Well, we need you.”

Your lips parted, but no sound came out.

“The army needs a talented alchemist like you,” Jungkook said, gently. “You think others aren’t scared?” he asked. “They march into that damn field despite their fear, despite their cowardliness, despite their wishes to run back to safety. They do it for their nation, for their loved ones, hell, even for themselves. So do it for something, Y/N. Do it to make a difference. Maybe to fucking win the war once and for all.”

Your eyes sparkled with tears. “Jungkook…”

“You’ve always been altruistic,” he said. “Let that fuel you. Feel the fear but don’t let it consume you entirely.”

It was moments like these that made you realize you were talking to the future General of the Darlaean Army.

“Do you ever get scared?” you asked.

“No,” Jungkook said—short and simple.

“Not even of death?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know what will happen after I die, but I don’t really care,” he said. “So I might as well live without fear.”

You wished you could share that sentiment. But the truth was, you were a coward. You couldn’t understand what General Son saw in you to think you could be a future leader of the army. Even if you were a decent alchemist, it didn’t matter if you could barely hold yourself together even thinking about the atrocities war could bring. Your fear of pain was rooted in conceited self-preservation, which had no room in military leadership.

“I know you’re doubting yourself again,” Jungkook said.

Your thoughts halted.

“You shouldn’t,” he said gently. “The Y/N I know is resilient. She always finds a way. And besides, I’ll be your extra pair of eyes, though I doubt you’ll need it.”

Just a bit of your anxiety began melting away. “Jungkook…”

“You and I both know that you’re the best alchemist the Training Corps has seen in decades,” he replied. “The nation needs to see your talent. And if you’re too shy for that, then at least know that one day your talent will change Darlae for good.”

You glanced nervously upward at the swirling pools of thread on the canvas above you. “Did the divination charm tell you that?”

“No.” Jungkook smiled. “I can just feel it. Can’t you?”

You weren’t so sure.

As if to make matters worse, the day before graduation, General Son found you staring up at the night sky in the castle orchards. You hadn’t expected him to be taking a nighttime stroll, much less around the orchards, but then again, you weren’t really a divinist.

“You don’t seem very excited about your graduation, cadet.” General Son broke the silence.

You didn’t know how to respond. Instead, you rose from the grass and saluted. “Sir.”

“At ease,” he said. “A lot on your mind, I presume?”

You weren’t sure how to respond without lying or going down the rabbit hole of your embarrassing fears.

“I did tell you six circas ago that things will only get harder from here,” General Son said, quirking his brow. “I hope it hasn’t already started.”

“Just a bit, sir,” you managed to say. “Though most of it’s self-inflicted.”

General Son did not pry. Instead, he allowed silence as he stared up at the fruit trees, his silver epaulets shining in the moonlight. Then, he spoke. “Do you know what it takes to be the General of an entire army?”

You stared at him. “L-Logistically, yes, sir. B-But… I also know that no book can ever teach me what it is truly like to be the General of an army. So no. I admit that I do not know what it takes.”

General Son raised an eyebrow. “You will have private lessons with me every other day now, cadet,” he said. “I will be at my temporary office in the 1st city for most days of the week, and on the weekends, we will travel to the 12th to continue your studies. I hope that this will help you understand what it takes to run an army.”

You completely froze in place.

Was he saying what you thought he was saying? It was too much to digest. In fact, it was simply impossible. There was no way he could ever think that you could become the Darlaean General. Not when someone like Jungkook existed. Somehow, he’d predicted this, too. You remember so clearly now: I may have the traits, but I’m not what General Son is looking for. He had been strangely… jealous? disappointed? that ostensibly, General Son was more fond of you than him, which you didn’t even think was true… Until perhaps now. But it didn’t make sense. How could you be what General Son was looking for? You, who cried uncontrollably at the mere thought of war? You, who Jungkook had to console?

“S-Sir, I’m still just a cadet—”

“I was a cadet once too,” General Son said. “But talent is talent, it doesn’t matter who wields it.”

But what about Jungkook? you wanted to say. Forget about me. He would be so much better.

“Train like you’re already the General of the Darlaean Army,” General Son told you. His cold, black eyes stared you down. Clearly, denial was not an option. “Fight like you’re already commanding thousands of soldiers,” he said. “Do you understand?”

You couldn’t, but you said yes anyway.

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⨰ a/n: it's been a while! thanks for getting to the end of this much-delayed chapter. in terms of updates, there will be one every month/every two months. sorry for leaving for so long :') hope you enjoyed <3 it starts getting pretty real from here on out

please consider telling me your thoughts with a comment, an ask or a reblog :) i love hearing readers' impressions/rambles/predictions! if you want to join the taglist, send in a private message, ask, reply to this post or reblog with your request!

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threeletterslife · 27 days

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37 | Legends of Darlaria

⨰ pairing/rating: yoongi x reader & jungkook x reader | PG-15

⨰ genre: 70% angst, 30% fluff | war!au & magic!au

⨰ warnings: profanity

⨰ wordcount: 9.8k

⨰ join the taglist! (pm/send in an ask/reply/reblog)

⨰ previous | series m.list | next

⧖⧗Many, Many Circas Ago⧗⧖

Your mind was empty.

You saw the world through the voids of your eyes, but none of it evoked a reaction.

You felt hollow.

Your feet were marching forward, but you couldn’t register the movement.

It still felt like fire was all around you, engulfing you, burning away at your skin.

Someone next to you was saying something, but you couldn’t hear them.

“-N. Y/N!”

There it was again. That was your name, wasn’t it?

Someone was shaking your arms.

When had you stopped marching?

You didn’t even know you were shivering uncontrollably until the mystery person steadied you. That someone also moved to block your vision. “Hey. Hey!”

That voice… It was usually so light and delicate, but today, it was filled with a deep urgency.

“Jung… kook,” you whispered.

“Oh, thank fuck,” he said, a little breathless. “You’re okay.” He gently pushed your hair out of your sweaty face. “Hajin went to get a few medics.”

“A few…?”

“Yes,” Jungkook answered, holding your hand tightly. “We both sustained minor injuries, that’s all.”

“Minor injuries…” You couldn’t help but parrot everything he said.

“You’re in shock,” Jungkook said gently. “It’s okay. Hajin healed most of our cuts before she left, so we should be fine. She’s a natural healer, that girl. Did you know that?” When he realized you were in no headspace to answer, he tried to reassure you. “Hey, you’ll be fine,” he promised. “If you’re feeling shitty, you’ll sleep it off by tomorrow,” he said. “It’s only your first battle. Usually, they’re the worst.”

But, indeed, not all first battles were the worst. For Hajin, her first battle was spectacular. She came back completely unscathed, glowing from the memories of the small victories she made on the battlefield today. The crown princess had been absolutely ruthless, slaughtering every Solarian who dared to step her way; she was the topic of conversation for the entire city and she knew it.

Hajin bounded into the infirmary with a gigantic smile on her face and immediately beelined straight towards the bed in the corner where you were lying and Jungkook was sitting on the edge of. A wooden basket swayed from the handle around her wrist.

“I hope you two are doing better!” Hajin said, setting the basket down by the foot of the bed. “Look! I brought some bread for your speedy recovery. I would’ve brought you guys deviled eggs, but they don’t have that sort of food here.”

“I was barely even hurt,” Jungkook said.

Hajin snorted. “Shut up. You were bleeding from four different places.”

“Minor injuries,” Jungkook muttered.

“Anyways,” Hajin said, rolling her eyes. “Y/N!” She grasped your hands. “You were amazing out there! I swear, you had those damned helluvians scrambling left and right!”

But you couldn’t remember doing all that. It felt like such a blur. Like it was something you dreamed about, not experienced. All you could recall was the heat, the sharp, searing pain of being engulfed in flames, and the red. So much red. Was it the blood? Or was it the Solarians themselves? Somehow, you could still smell the bodies burning.

“Thanks, Hajin… for the bread. But I-I… I don’t know if I can do it again.”

“Of course you can!” Hajin exclaimed. “Don’t let a couple of those helluvians kill your spirit, Y/N! You were ranked first in our squadron for over a year! And look, even Jungkook, who’s a whole private, came back with scratches and bruises. Don’t be too hard on yourself, Y/N! I’m sure whatever you did today, General Son’s proud about.”

But you were so terrified to walk into that field of fire and death again. And that terror felt shameful.

“You’re resilient,” Jungkook said. “Don’t feel shame for feeling fear.” It was like he was reading your mind again. “The bravest people are the ones who do the things that they are terrified of.”

He was right. He was so right.

“I’m sorry,” you said, burying your face in your hands. “I don’t know why I… I feel like I shut down as we marched back to base.”

“It happens,” Jungkook said. “It’s normal. What’s important is that you get used to it.” He placed a delicate hand on your shoulder. “It gets easier.” But you knew in his eyes, those big doe eyes of his that he never once found this difficult. Even with his injuries, that man never felt the same trepidation you felt. He enjoyed marching out onto that battlefield, and he somehow enjoyed the aftermath of it too—preparing for the next battle, that was. You wished you could be more like him.

“I heard you sustained a few minor injuries in your first battle today,” General Son told you as soon as you walked into his office.

You saluted him. “Yes, sir. I was ordered to abstain from difficult physical activity until tomorrow.”

“No matter,” he said. “Your next battle isn’t for another few weeks.”

You nodded, sliding into the armchair in front of General Son’s desk that he was gesturing you to sit on. But the thought of marching into another battlefield made you feel squeamish.

“Does that make you uncomfortable, soldier?”

Soldier. It felt so strange for him to call you that, after years of hearing him say cadet. It reminded you yet again that you weren’t just fighting wooden dummies and performing in silly little duels anymore—you were fighting in a real war with real losses and casualties.

“U-Uncomfortable, sir?”

“Yes,” he said. “Does the idea of going to battle give you discomfort?”

You didn’t know what to say. If you answered yes, would General Son finally realize that you aren’t fit to become a General? If you answered no, would he know you’re lying?

“I just…” Your words died in your throat. “I’m just… Well, it’s only my first battle, sir. I heard that they’re usually the worst. But I promise I won’t let this taint the battles I will fight in the future.”

“Don’t make promises you cannot keep, soldier,” General Son said.

Your eyes widened.

“Fear is normal,” he said. “It is what you do with the fear that will set you apart from the average soldier. Do you understand?”

“Set me apart, sir…?”

“I hope you haven’t forgotten what I told you a few days ago.”

Train like you’re already the General of the Darlaean Army. How could you ever forget?

“I just…” You hesitated. “I… Why not Jungkook, sir?” you blurted out. Why not the numerous other officials in the army who have years and years of more experience than you?

“Why not Jungkook?” General Son repeated slowly. He didn’t look or sound incredulous, but you knew him for long enough to know that’s what he was, anyway.

“I, um…” You couldn’t repeat it. It wasn’t your intention to question General Son’s decisions, of course, for what did you know about commanding an army? But Jungkook was Jungkook. He was a prodigy, unlike you. He was unafraid and brave and charismatic. He always knew what to say and when to say it. He rarely—if not ever—had moments of doubt. He wasn’t like you at all—self-doubting, nervous, second-guessing. So why was General Son choosing you over someone like him? You couldn’t understand.

“Because,” General Son’s voice was quiet and low as he stared into your eyes, “this nation needs a military leader who innately hates her own affiliation.”

You didn’t know how to react. Was he trying to say you despised the army? “S-Sir, I think there’s a misunderstanding. I don’t hate the army at all. I know I have the background of a scholar, but I swear—”

“No, soldier, that isn’t exactly what I mean.”

You stared at him curiously.

“This nation needs a General who will do everything in her power to deliver freedom to her people. Darlae has no use for a General who simply wants to win the war and become a section in a history book. We need a General who will demilitarize after victory, not bask in the glory and power.”

“B-But—” A protest left your lips before you could help it.

“But what, soldier?” General Son said. “Will you sit here and tell me that Jungkook does not want his name to be known?”

You were too flustered to answer.

“Many people fantasize about being a hero,” General Son said. “There is nothing wrong with that, of course. Some do it for self-betterment, and others do it for the good of others. There is no right answer, but I believe it’s time that Darlae has an altruistic leader.” He glanced at you and your stunned expression. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

No. Not at all.

“It’s just… W-With all due respect, sir, I have never quite dreamed of climbing the ranks in the army. It was… Well, it was Jungkook who dreamed of becoming the General one day.”

“Sometimes power is best to fall into the hands of someone who never coveted it, soldier,” General Son replied. “He will understand one day.”

“I’m only a soldier,” you said, growing desperate. There was something in you that didn’t want to accept this. You couldn’t possibly be a good General. You were only 19 years old. You were barely able to handle your first battle without breaking down afterward. You weren’t ready. You weren’t even sure if you were qualified!

“And you were only a student at Botswana when I first saw potential in you. Titles and ranks do not matter to me as they once did. Are you done with your excuses?”

You looked down at your shoes. “It’ll hurt him,” you whispered. You knew how pathetic it sounded, but you didn’t know what else to say.

“Will it?” General Son asked, cocking an eyebrow. “I’m sure he’s already aware. As you know, he’s quite talented in divination.”

General Son had an answer for everything—just like Jungkook did—and you no longer had any excuses left.

“Your only flaw is your fear,” General Son said. “And it is not much of a flaw as it is a natural reaction. You will get used to it. And sometimes, soldier, fear fuels you to do extraordinary things.”

Jungkook was right. First battles were the worst. But that didn’t mean the second battle was a miracle, either. You still felt that shitty drop in your stomach and the nauseating urge to vomit as you marched back from the battlefield, and though you were completely unscathed this time, you still shook in fear.

The horrors of the battlefield continued to plague your mind. They showed up in your dreams nearly every night, haunting you, forcing you to stay awake. As a result, you were even more productive in finishing the assignments General Son handed you, though you “woke up” in the mornings with heavy bags under your eyes.

You used your involute assignments to distract you from your nightmares. And when you managed to finish them, you sought after more until General Son himself ordered you to take a few days off to rest. But that was the worst order he could’ve given you. Free time meant you had the liberty to drown in the depths of your mind, which was filled with death and scarlet blood and scorching hot fire. So, you began distracting yourself with your craft.

There wasn’t much room for fashion in the army, but you entertained the idea, anyway. You sketched new designs and tried experimenting by masking a few of your rough sketches on any cheap fabric you could get your hands on. By the time a rather worried Jungkook and Hajin stepped in, you’d created more than a hundred gowns for every occasion imaginable.

“You, my friend, need a drink,” Hajin said, wrapping her arm around you and hoisting you up from the floor.

Wordlessly, Jungkook held onto your other arm, supporting your weight on his shoulder.

“I-I don’t,” you tried to protest. “I’m fine,” you promised, and you doubted that Hajin even had alcohol in the first place.

But a few minutes later, it turned out that you were wrong about everything.

One, you absolutely needed a drink.

Two, you were not fine at all.

And three, Hajin most definitely had alcohol.

You lay splayed on the grass, drunk out of your fucking mind, rattling off words that you barely processed in your head. There was an empty metal cup next to you, which had been filled thrice to the brim with wine before you’d downed it all.

“It’s like… It’s like I’m still living through it,” you whispered, eyes glazed over as you stared blankly up at the night sky.

“Living through what?” Jungkook asked. He brushed a bit of your hair out of your face, and when you reached for your cup again, he held it away from you. “No more,” he said. “You’ll get yourself sick.”

You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest. You were aware of how childish you were being, but you couldn’t help it, and you simultaneously hated yourself for it too. “It’s like I’m still on the fucking battlefield,” you said, slurring your words. “I can still feel the scorching heat. I can see the bodies falling. I can fucking smell it too. The redness of it all… Their uniforms, their blood red uniforms…”

Hajin patted your shoulder sympathetically.

“How are you two not terrified?” you asked, suddenly sitting up. You pointed your finger at both of them but suddenly realized how rude of a gesture that was and immediately dropped it. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. You stared at the empty cup that was now out of your arm’s reach. “I’m tipsy.”

“You’re more than that,” Jungkook said. “You’re drunk, Y/N.”

“It’s okay,” Hajin said, her voice much softer than usual. “Just let it all out, okay?”

You shook your head. “I don’t get it,” you said. “Why am I the only one who is getting nightmares?”

You could see Jungkook and Hajin looking at each other, but you were much too drunk to discern what those looks meant. After a bit of silence, Jungkook spoke. “Everyone reacts to the battlefield differently,” he said.

“I hate to admit it, but he’s right,” Hajin said. “Come on, Y/N, you’ve been a soldier for less than two weeks. You’ve got so much more time to grow and adjust, don’t you think? Just because Jungkook and I aren’t getting nightmares regularly doesn’t mean the others aren’t.” She grasped your hands in hers. “You need to know how amazing you are! Soldiers come back from the battlefield absolutely dazzled by your hexes, Y/N. You’re the talk of the city!”

“Because my hexes don’t kill and people think it’s ineffective,” you countered, covering your face with your hands.

“Hey,” Jungkook said. He gave you a look, which you should’ve normally been able to read, but in your state, you couldn’t at all. He seemed to realize this and verbalized his thoughts. “You’re enough, okay? Don’t get in your head, Y/N. Not so early on.”

It was too late; you were already in your head.

And besides that, the world was spinning.

Nothing seemed to make sense at all.

General Son told you that fear fueled you to do extraordinary things, but you weren’t doing anything extraordinary at all. In fact, you were ordered to rest because you’d started to write gibberish on your assignments due to your lack of sleep. You drowned yourself in your work and your penchant for fashion as a distraction, not because you sought those activities out. And that showed in the final results.

Your head was throbbing now.

You tried to grasp onto something, anything—it felt like the whole goddamn world was tilting on an axis and you were desperately trying to hold on.

Then, you felt something warm and acerbic rising from your throat.

Soon, you were hunched over, vomiting. Someone was holding your hair back and another was frantically patting your back. Your eyes squeezed shut, though a few tears leaked out. You weren’t so sure why.

“Are you okay? Y/N! Are you all right?”

“Shhh… She’s going to need some space.”

“Should I bring water? I should bring water, right? Oh no, she looks so sick! Maybe I shouldn’t have smuggled that wine over.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Yes, she’ll need the water. I’ll stay and look after her.”

You heard some rustling, and the person who had been patting your back disappeared. You felt cold from the absence of their touch. But the other person was still there, and they were smoothing out your hair, tucking it gently behind your ears.

You could recognize his touch anywhere.

“Jungkook…” you tried to say, but it came out as more of a sad croak.

“Shhh…” he answered, then pulled out a white handkerchief and gently dabbed at your mouth. “Hajin’s gone to bring you some water.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, your throat so dry that it felt like it was cracking from the inside.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he replied.

“The world isn’t spinning anymore.”

“That’s good news, isn’t it?”

You shook your head. “I still feel so low,” you said. “Like absolute shit.”

He wrapped you in a tight hug, letting your head rest on his chest, your legs brushing against his. The scent of clean soap and sandalwood filled your nose. It was his scent, the one you were so familiar with, and it helped calm your senses. “Things are going to get better,” he said. “It’s a fact. I’m not speculating anything.”

“How are you so sure?” you asked.

“I’m a divinist,” he said, running his fingers through your hair. “I’m perfectly capable of seeing into the future.”

And so he was.

Circas began to pass. Time nearly became an immeasurable metric as the days you spent in the army went by, and the battles you marched into began to bleed into the other. There was the third battle, where you’d fought side by side with Seokjin. Then the fourth battle—or was it the third?—where you and Hajin teamed up to lead the left flank of the unit. The fifth battle—or possibly the sixth—was when you reunited with Taehyung and watched him fight alongside Hajin and Seokjin. You couldn’t really recall what happened in the sixth battle. It was all such a blur. But you did remember being promoted as soon as you marched back to the 1st city. Jungkook and Hajin congratulated you, and you were happy as well, though the twisting feeling in your stomach held its ground.

The fear never ended up dying down.

But you did learn to live with it.

Even when you were up late at night, laughing over drinks (though you abstained from drinking since your previous incident) with Hajin and Taehyung, you felt the empty pit in your gut. Even when you visited Jungkook in his barrack at night, when he knew his bunkmates would be out late, and laid by his side in his bed, you felt apprehension for the next battle you would go on. Even when you had your lessons with General Son, the fear was there, sitting low in your stomach.

You were so used to it that it never really bothered you anymore.

You lived your life as you did in the 12th city, pretending you were safe, pretending your loved ones were safe too. Life ticked on like a working clock, steady and well-paced.

Seokjin and Taehyung still saluted you whenever they saw you around, and a few other soldiers (that you didn’t know the name of) began picking up that habit from your friends. You still spent every night eating dinner with Jungkook and Hajin, and you often went to bed with your boyfriend by your side.

Sometimes, when one of you sustained minor injuries, the others would visit them in the infirmary. You hated that place. It reeked of the war, and every time you went, the fear inside of you flared up, threatening to spill out and break you down once more. So you tried to avoid it the best you could.

There were a few slower days in the army, though it was rare. On those particular days, you liked to daydream, mostly about the people you missed in your past.

Sometimes, though rarely, you thought about Donghoon. It almost felt like you met him in a dream years and years ago. You were both so young then, and that fight you had between each other… Had it really been worth it? Did he ever regret it? You joined the Training Corps for your parents back then, but somewhere along the line of those five years of training, you’d shifted your motivation. Now, you wanted to be in the army—not because you were getting paid well enough to support your parents and certainly not solely because Jungkook and Hajin were a part of it, though that did help—but because you wanted to achieve great things for Darlae. So you supposed you burned down the bridges of that friendship. It felt shitty, but you couldn’t help but think it was for the better. He’d never want a soldier—much less someone expected to become the General one day—to be his friend.

More often, you thought about Joonhee, the boy whom you’ve accredited to convincing you to join the army. He had admittedly been arrogant and crass back when the two of you still attended Botswana, but he’d matured rather quickly after joining the training program. You wondered if he was well. The army was so large that you hadn’t gotten a glimpse of him in the several circas you’ve been in the 1st city, but you were waiting for the day to bump into him—to thank him. Only recently have you remembered the very words that changed everything for you: You can die and still be a hero. It helped mitigate just a little bit of that fear that sat nearly dormant in your gut.

Then, most often, you thought about Instructor Shin. She must’ve seen well over a hundred students since you’ve attended Botswana. You wondered if she even remembered you. You remembered her. Sometimes, late at night, you tried to recall the letter she wrote to you when you were only 16—the same letter that helped you put the fire back in your eyes and participate in the damn duels. May you one day change Darlae for the better, she’d written. After a long day on the battlefield, that was exactly what you needed to hear to want to wake up the next morning feeling re-energized. And may you one day still remember me, your strict, old, incompetent instructor, who nearly stopped you from achieving greatness in the Darlaean Army. You didn’t think you would ever forget someone like Instructor Shin.

It never really occurred to you to write to your old instructor again until you heard devastating news from Seokjin.

He’d jogged towards you, saluting you when he got close, though you were of the same rank. “Private Kwang,” he’d said.

“Private Kim,” you’d nodded, smiling. “You really don’t have to salute me, you know.” You told him for the umpteenth time.

“I know. But I choose to do it,” Seokjin answered, also for the umpteenth time. “Anyway, I just wanted to catch up.”

“Sure,” you said, your smile widening. It was rare for Seokjin to approach others for pleasant conversation, so you wondered if he was starting to warm up to you.

“It’s a Botswana Agate alumni reunion,” Seokjin clarified.

Your eyes widened. It had been circas since you heard that name. “There’s enough of us for that?”

“Maybe about 9 or 10 that I know of?” Seokjin estimated. “Either way, it’s not for a happy cause. One of them died recently. I think he was around the same age as you—a really talented one, too. Apparently, he ranked first or second in all of his classes at Botswana. Ranked pretty high in his squadron, too. Have you ever heard of a Joonhee? I think it was Lee Joonhee.”

The world began to spin.

And now here you were, under the candlelight, writing furiously, tears welled up in your eyes.

Dear Instructor Shin,

I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do but apologize. I’m sorry for writing to you now, after all of these years. And I’m even more sorry I never wrote back to you. Life got ahead of me, and I know, it’s a fruitless excuse; I should’ve continued to write to you. I still cherish the last letter you sent me, and words cannot explain how much it has helped my growth in the army.

But with that said, I’m writing to you bearing awful news. I thought you should know. Please, do not feel obligated to respond to this letter at all.

Sergeant Lee Joonhee is deceased. I found out today. They have already cremated him along with the others who have fallen in his unit. I’m sorry, Instructor Shin. They’ve given me the letters you sent him over the years—as well as an unfinished letter he wrote for you. If you were wondering why this parcel was so heavy, I have returned these letters for you, along with his copy of The Wisdom Tree. It was hidden in his trunk of possessions. The book’s been loved and worn, but I know you’ll take good care of it. He probably wanted you to have it, anyway.

It didn’t feel right of me to read the letters between the two of you, but I imagine how heartfelt they must’ve been for you to write to each other for years. I learned today of his disownment from his parents when he joined the army. I wasn’t aware at all, though I’m sure you knew. So thank you for being his parent figure. It must’ve been so hard for him to go against his parent’s wishes to join the army. Thank you for believing in him and supporting him and taking care of him when his parents no longer wanted to. He was so lucky to have you.

I wish I had gotten a chance to see him one more time. Joonhee was the one who ultimately convinced me to join the army, and I was never able to thank him for it. He was so wise for his age, though now I realize he must’ve learned it from you.

He told me years and years ago that one can die and still become a hero. He trusted that his comrades would carry on his legacy if he died, and he was willing to put his life on the line for a chance at a warless Darlae. He was so honorable. It’s all coming back to me now, what he told me that day I ran into him on campus, sobbing from a fight with a friend.

He told me when the blockade was over, he wanted to explore the world. He wanted to go back to learning eventually, but the real kind—by truly experiencing it. He even wanted to publish a book. It’s so, so horrible that he would never be able to do these things, but I promise, Instructor Shin, that I’ll carry on his legacy. I promise that I will work harder and fight harder for fallen soldiers like Joonhee. And I promise I won’t disappoint you.

I want to change Darlae for the better. And I will always remember you, my kind, wise instructor. You have only pushed me harder to one day achieve greatness in the Darlaean Army.

Sincerely,

Private Kwang Y/N

Joonhee’s death had left you numb for hours. But by the time you sent the letter to Instructor Shin, hoping she would be able to decipher your nonsensical spiel, your tears had already dried on your cheeks. Soon after, you weren’t given much time to mourn. You were immediately called upon to do your duties and lessons with General Son, which kept you so well-distracted that you didn’t have the time to dwell in melancholy.

Sergeant Lee Joonhee’s unit had been a rather small one, though when it was decimated in battle, it became everybody’s problem—and especially General Son’s. He was ordering promotions now, to replace the officials who were recently deceased, and he was working the surviving soldiers day and night, piling on training and menial duties on their schedules. At first, you thought it was cruel to have those who were mourning working overtime, but later, you realized General Son was only helping them keep distracted.

Death was a nasty thing, and though it was everywhere around you, no one really liked to talk about it. There were hundreds of cremations a day, and you always passed by at least one group of soldiers mourning over the fallen. Joonhee’s words echoed in your head every time. I trust my comrades to carry on my legacy if I die. And so you began living every day for those who had died fighting for their nation.

The fear was still there, of course. But you knew that your comrades—the people you ate, slept, drank and marched into battle with—would carry on your legacy if you ever died. You could still be a hero. Your contribution to the army would have brought Darlae one step closer to winning the war. You were a private now, so you must’ve done something right to be promoted. It gave you just the smallest sliver of hope. If you died now—though you would hate to—you would have still accomplished something.

Strangely, even with so much death lingering in the gloomy air of the 1st city, Darlae was still winning the war. It came to the point that there were talks of Solaria surrendering. General Son kept level-headed about it, but he really kept level-headed about everything.

“It is not so simple,” General Son said to his officials. He began inviting you and Jungkook to these important meetings packed with all sorts of high-ranking soldiers. “The war is not over until the enemy has completely surrendered. We must not lower our guards. Do we understand? The war has been going on for too long for the Solarians to surrender now. I suspect they have switched Generals, perhaps to a lesser-skilled one. But even if this new General is a runt, they will fight back, for they became the leader of their army for a reason. We must brace ourselves and bring in more healers to our infirmary. The next couple of weeks will be bloody.”

Like always, General Son was correct in his judgment. In the next few days, the Solarians attempted to change the tide of war. It was then that you had your seventh battle, which was only so memorable because Hajin saved Jungkook’s life.

“So you’re telling me that I saved the Private Jungkook from getting seared on the battlefield?” Hajin giggled excitedly. She took a large gulp of the wine in her metal cup and grinned. “You’re forever indebted to me, private.” She drunkenly bopped Jungkook’s nose. Normally, Jungkook would not be very happy about that, but he was drunk too and only smiled.

“You just pushed me out of the way,” he said, quietly, taking a sip of his wine.

“Yeah. Pushed you out of the way of fire!” Hajin snorted. “A ‘thank you, Princess Hajin’ would be nice.”

“Over my dead body.”

“You would’ve been had I not pushed you to safety!”

You were stone-cold sober, and perhaps that made witnessing your best friend’s and boyfriend’s bickering even funnier. You were laughing, leaning back on your arms on the thin blanket that covered the grass.

“But guys, it can only go up from here!” Hajin exclaimed. She fell back on the blanket so abruptly that you had to nearly dive to move her cup half filled with wine away from her. Hajin stared up at the night sky, her eyes twinkling like the stars, her cheeks flushed from the alcohol she’d somehow gotten her hands on again. “Seven battles in and… damn. I can’t even explain it! It’s like… It’s like I’m finally doing what I’ve always dreamed of doing! Every time I go out there, I’m raining hell on those stupid helluvians, knowing Mom’s watching me from somewhere, really fucking proud.” She suddenly gasped as if she had a marvelous epiphany. “Guys, guys, guys… I just realized something! I swear, if I died now, I would be perfectly content.”

“Hajin!” you said.

“Your father would have our heads if you died, so let’s not think like that,” Jungkook replied, setting down his empty cup of wine. It seemed as if the liquor loosened his lips.

Hajin only rolled her eyes. “I bet you’d be the first to cry about me when I’m dead. I can just imagine you hunched over my tombstone sobbing your guts out.”

“You wish,” Jungkook retorted. There was a long pause. “I’d be sad, though. Don’t know if I’d cry, but I’d be sad.”

“Why, thank you,” Hajin snorted. “Now that’s what I want to hear!” She rested her head on her palms as she sighed. “I think I’ve gotten everything I’ve wanted out of my life!” she declared proudly. Her booming voice seemed to echo throughout the night sky, flying away with the sweet breeze. “I’ve killed some tree huggers, I’ve finally made it to the 1st city, and I even have two amazing bodyguards!” She giggled as her head lolled to the side to make eye contact with you and Jungkook. Except her idea of eye contact was fairly lax; she couldn’t seem to focus her vision at all. “What about you guys?” she asked, drunkenly. “I need to know if you have everything you want out of life. I demand you to tell me as my subjects!”

Jungkook rolled his eyes, lifting his cup to his lips to down some more alcohol. When he realized his cup was empty, he let out a disgruntled sigh. “When I become the General, I’d make sure no royal figure can pass orders in my army.”

Hajin only laughed. “So you want to become the General?”

Jungkook shrugged, but you knew it meant more to him than he let on. “Just a thought,” he replied. “So I suppose there’s more to come in my life. I’m not satisfied yet. I know I can be better.”

“What about you?” he turned to you, reaching for your hand. You gave it to him, though you knew how much Hajin hated public displays of affection. But then again, today felt like an exception; she was much too drunk to notice.

You stared at your cup filled with lukewarm water. It tasted strangely bitter as if the metal from the cup had tainted it. But it was still better than wine. The loss of control over most of your mental and motor abilities wasn’t exactly too appealing, and someone had to take care of Jungkook and Hajin if they went a little overboard. Besides, you weren’t very keen on having a repeat of the last time you were inebriated.

“What about me?” you repeated.

“Yeah, you,” Jungkook said, grinning. He was so very drunk; he usually never smiled that wide. “What do you want out of your life?”

The question was deceptively simple; it elicited a myriad of thoughts inside your head.

You always knew you wanted to make a difference, and you promised Instructor Shin that you were going to change Darlae for the better. But technically, every battle you went on was a step in the right direction. Technically, you’d already made many small changes. As a private, you at least held some authority over unranked soldiers, and it was up to you to relay suggestions to your sergeant to improve the skills of the soldiers in your unit. But that surely wasn’t enough.

So what was going to be enough? Becoming the General? Ending the war?

What if you were never satisfied?

Plus, there was that cowardliness inside of you. You couldn’t be fully content until it was gone. But what if it never went away? What if every time you marched into battle, you felt like your stomach was going to drop out of your ass and your breakfast was going to lurch out of your mouth?

Perhaps it was your sobriety that made it so much harder to openly admit what you really wanted out of your life. Or perhaps, you weren’t even so sure anymore.

Jungkook squeezed your hand. He tapped a few words of monocode on your skin, though you couldn’t exactly translate properly because some of the words were made up. “Thanks,” you said anyway. “I just… Well, I’ve always wanted to make a difference…”

“But…?” Jungkook asked.

He knew you too well.

“But I feel like I’m lacking so much. Yet I also feel like I shouldn’t be feeling this way. And when I think about my future, I wonder if I’ll ever even be satisfied. I mean, how much change is enough? What if too much change is bad? What if I think I’m making a good difference, but it’s actually really harmful?”

To your surprise, Hajin snorted, sitting right up. “Bah!” she said, waving her hand as if to dismiss your worries. “You’re overthinking it!”

You turned to Jungkook, who was nodding in agreement.

“You’ll know when you’ve made the change you’ve always wanted to make,” Jungkook said, which was quite a wise thing for someone so intoxicated to say.

“Exactly!” Hajin agreed. “We believe in you, Y/N!” she giggled, grasping onto your hands.

You smiled. You wondered if they would remember any of this in the morning.

And just like that, with battles and private lessons and meetings and late-night dinners, your life in the army went on once again. Things were mostly a routine by now, one where you always knew where you had to be and what you had to do.

Sometimes, there was a break in the routine. Instructor Shin had sent a letter back to you, though it was more akin to a note. She’d written one line: It would fare better with you than me. Attached to the letter was Joonhee’s copy of The Wisdom Tree. She’d returned it to you. And so that night, you’d reread the book and the entire time, you replaced the protagonist with Joonhee’s face.

The tale made you face your doubts, but it also made you want to smother them for good. You were fighting for your comrades. You were carrying on their stories, their dreams, their legacies. There was no room for doubt.

The blood on the battlefield, the arms detached from the torsos, still warm and wet, the cries of pain, the cries of despair and the occasional cry of happiness that it was all over—you fought for the losses. You fought for the lost. Because if you didn’t, you didn’t know how else to justify their deaths.

You never quite knew how much you’d learned from General Son until he asked you to lead one of those high-profile official meetings one day.

You were so terrified that you weren’t able to eat several hours before. Even when you finished presenting a few new hexes you were experimenting with on your own, you were still shaking, terrified of the feedback you would receive. But your ideas were received with overwhelming praise, and right then and there, you were promoted to a sergeant. Now, you had two privates who reported directly to you and a captain who you directly reported to.

Everywhere you walked, you were met with eyes in awe of you, people who saluted you and respected you. You were beginning to realize that you knew more than you thought, to have people revere you as if you were of higher status.

By the time you were 20, you were a captain who directly reported to one of the 15 majors in the entire army. They began using your charms in battle, which were extraordinarily compatible with both light and dark magic. Now, entire units knew your name. It took a while to get used to everyone saluting you when you walked past. Still, even at this caliber, you felt like you weren’t making enough change.

Sometimes, General Son would give you a few battle plans to look over, and only recently did he begin to ask you to write your own. Occasionally, it was a conjoined assignment with Jungkook, who had also steadily climbed the ranks with you. But even when you were creating the formations and outlining the strategies that were implemented in battle, you felt like it wasn’t enough.

By the time you were 21, you were promoted to a major. General Son was much more attentive to you now, inviting you over for late-night cups of tea and strategy sessions. It was almost as if the two of you were acquaintances, which was hard to believe. Sometimes, he would invite Jungkook too, but it was usually just you and him.

You didn’t know how to feel about that.

There were rumors that either you or Jungkook would be appointed as General Son’s Lieutenant General—after he served seven years without one. Then, there were also rumors that either you or Jungkook would take General Son’s place if anything were to happen to him.

It was horrible, knowing that Jungkook was secretly wishing for the same title that General Son handed to you two years back. But there was also nothing you could do about it.

It was that one night, that one night you were particularly wide awake, though it was four in the morning when it finally hit you: one day, you would lead tens of thousands of soldiers in the Darlaean Army into battle. One day, everyone would know your name, either praise it as if you were Guseul herself or drag it through the dirt if they were a scholar. One day, you would make the tough decisions and the tough calls and would have to face the damn consequences if you were wrong. One day, you would be at the very top with everyone looking up at you, and it terrified you.

General Son sat across from you, carefully watching your face with his dark eyes. His hair, which had used to be black, now had flecks of gray. His naturally down-turned lips sagged, though he wasn’t exactly frowning. And there were bags under his eyes that never seemed to go away—even if he got enough hours of sleep. The job had aged him. But you knew General Son didn’t give two shits about that, anyway.

There was a running joke in the army that General Son didn’t have any other clothes other than his uniform, which you were starting to think wasn’t quite a joke anymore. Even now, at four in the morning, he donned his perfectly ironed uniform, complete with his unique silver shoulder epaulets, shining black boots, and the beautiful opal on his belt buckle. You were wearing your uniform too, of course, but from the day’s work, it was wrinkled and stained. When you looked down at your shoes, they were scuffed and muddied. If General Son found the state of your uniform disdainful, he didn’t say.

When he finally broke the silence and spoke, his deep voice echoed in his temporary office. “Do you wish I changed my mind, Major Kwang?”

You blinked. “Sir…?”

“Are you beginning to accept that you are next in line to become the General of the Darlaean Army?”

“Oh…” You began playing with your trinket, tugging on your birthstone pendant absentmindedly. “Well, I suppose I have accepted it, sir,” you said. “I have had my path cut out for me since I was 19.”

“14,” General Son corrected you.

“Sir, did you really see me becoming the General of the Darlaean Army when I was only 14 years old?” you said, eyebrows rising. “I was still in Botswana, then.”

“I’m no divinist,” General Son said, “so of course I wasn’t completely sure, but you were always a promising figure. I had an inkling, and my intuition is more often right than wrong.”

“I still have my reservations,” you admitted. “I may have accepted that the position will be handed off to me, but that doesn’t mean that I am not worried, sir.”

“Worry all you want,” General Son said. “It will help you prepare.”

“Jungkook still doesn’t know…”

“He will find out soon enough.”

“But—”

“If you cannot see your sheer talent, then you must either be blind or humble,” General Son said.

You were stunned into silence.

“I don’t think you quite understand, Major Kwang,” General Son continued. “Most people cannot draft up valid battle plans in five minutes. Most people cannot create new charms, especially not ones that work perfectly with both branches of magic. And most people do not become a major in less than two years of coming to the 1st city.”

“I…”

General Son shook his head. “You have so much, Y/N,” he said. “You were born with talent, which most people aren’t. From there, you have also been given countless opportunities to hone your talent, which, again, most people don’t get. And on top of all that?” He placed his hand on the shining opal that decorated his belt. “You’re a natural alchemist. You don’t have to work harder to understand alchemy—not like I had to.”

Your eyes widened. “Sir…”

“People like you come once in a millennium,” General Son said. “And another thing about people like you? You don’t know how lucky you are. Others had to fight and claw and scratch and kill to be in your position. For others, it’s every person for themself.” He paused momentarily to give you a solemn look. “You do not think solely for yourself because you never had to. As I’ve told you before, Darlae deserves an altruistic leader. Someone who leads with the Darlaeans in mind. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

So many thoughts whizzed through your head. General Son talked about you as if you were special, but you surely didn’t feel that way. But then again, he was right that you were lucky. How many others around you went to Botswana for a proper education, befriended the princess, resided in the castle and were given private lessons with the General? But you weren’t a saint. You were no damn Guseul. You wanted to be a hero, yes, but you were afraid of death, for fuck’s sake! You couldn’t even imagine sacrificing yourself for your nation, though you knew this was a condition of going into battle.

“I have faith in you, Y/N,” General Son said. “I do.”

“Faith in me for what exactly, sir?”

He smiled one of his rare smiles. “To be a better General than I ever was.” Then, he walked over and placed a calloused hand on your shoulder. “Or to end the war,” he said, so casually, as if it were actually possible. “Though I suppose I’ll be long gone by that time.”

It was only a few weeks after your late-night turned early-morning conversation with General Son when disaster struck.

“Stay with me!” Jungkook yelled, holding onto the stretcher that was being rushed to the General’s private quarters. “Sir, stay with me!”

You were numb from the shock. Your body was moving, and your feet were pounding on the dirt to catch up, but you couldn’t register the movement. Your ears were ringing. Your vision was blurring.

“They crushed his birthstone!” Jungkook barked at the team of healers who were scrambling to do something about the dying General. “He couldn’t heal himself!”

You’ve never seen Jungkook yell so frantically.

“Stay with me, sir!” he said, shaking General Son’s shoulders.

Why couldn’t you move? Why couldn’t you do anything?

“Where the hell is Hajin when you need her?” Jungkook cried. “What’s wrong with him? What the hell did they do to him?”

General Son was barely conscious. His eyes were open, but they stared off into the distance as if he was beginning to see otherworldly things. You walked a little closer to the bed on which he had been placed. “Sir,” you whispered. His breathing was slow, near sporadic. He was dying. He was going to die. He knew it too; you could tell. You’ve never seen him so relaxed.

“Jungkook!” you cried, tears finally falling down your face.

He was immediately by your side.

The General met your eyes.

Chills ran down your spine.

This single battle had aged him nearly ten years. His uniform was missing a single silver epaulet, the belt around his waist had been torn and the opal which usually sat in the middle was nowhere to be found. His face was caked with blood and mud, and his hair was singed off. And his eyes, his eyes looked so soft, so weak. He looked like a mere shell of himself, already reduced to a memory.

There was nobody else in that tent except for a few other majors and healers. It was dead silent, so silent that you could hear the whispering breeze outside.

Then, General Son spoke. “Y/N,” he croaked.

“Sir,” you said, regaining your voice. “There’s still time. Hajin should be on her way. She can heal you. You’ll be better in n—”

General Son cut you off with the limp wave of his hand. “Shhh…” he said. And with a shaking hand, he pressed two fingers on his bloody forehead, where his birthstone had been when he was born. He was saluting—an odd thing to do for someone of such high status. He strained to speak what would undoubtedly be his last words. “G-General…”

“Yes,” Jungkook said. “You’re the General. General Son.”

“G-General…” General Son spoke again. “General… K-Kwang…”

Silence.

Everybody turned to you.

You stepped back.

“He stopped breathing!” one of the healers shrieked.

Chaos ensued as you and Jungkook were torn away from the bed and replaced by the team of healers who tried everything to keep the General alive. But it was no use. Even magic couldn’t bring back the dead.

You were sobbing, though you couldn’t hear it. And the entire time you wept over the death of your mentor, your superior, you felt Jungkook’s intense stare on your back. Perhaps a stare of betrayal.

Your officials advised you to keep his death a secret until you had a grasp of what the hell you were doing. They did this when General Hwang died, too; you remembered now. Has it already been seven years?

It was important to have a smooth transition to power—to not warrant the development of panic in the army. But your officials weren’t too worried.

“They all foresaw it,” they told you. “Everyone knew you were going to take his place.”

But did they really?

You visited the king several days after General Son’s passing, and the two of you cried in each other’s arms. While you had lost the mentor who had built you up from the ground, Hoseok had lost his closest friend.

“He chose the right person,” Hoseok told you, wiping the tears away from your face. “You will do wonderful things for my nation, my dear.”

You wandered soullessly back into your chambers in the castle. It felt like you hadn’t been back in forever. You realized how much you missed it. So, you crawled underneath your covers, swaddling yourself in your soft blankets and cried.

You lost track of time after a while, and when there was a knock on your door, you didn’t know if it was the next day or not.

Hajin peeked her face in. She looked worried, her eyebrows furrowed as she saw your state in your bed. “Hey,” she said. “Jungkook’s in the south courtyard. They’re hosting the funeral there. Do you need help getting ready?”

You nodded.

Hajin helped bathe you. She did your hair, put on your makeup too, even though those things weren’t quite her forté. But she grew up with her lady-in-waiting doing it for her all the time, so she subconsciously learned how to do it too.

“There you go,” she said. “Pretty as ever.”

You wanted to smile, but tears fell down your face instead.

“Oh no!” Hajin said. “Don’t cry! Your makeup!” She put extra powder on your face, hoping it would help combat the waterworks. “Have you prepared your eulogy?”

You nodded. And it hadn’t just been you, your 15 other majors had helped you proofread it and rewrite the portions they deemed awkward. You weren’t even nervous anymore. The eulogy was so far removed from you that it didn’t feel like it came from the heart. It was so simple, so efficient. So short.

You stood before the crowd of thousands. They were wearing black; you were too. And despite the sadness in their eyes, most of them looked hopeful—as if you were their beacon of light.

“Good evening.” Your voice echoed throughout the courtyard. “Esteemed colleagues, friends, family, and citizens, we gather here today to remember and honor the life of a remarkable individual who dedicated his life to his nation and its people. Today, we bid farewell to a true leader, a strategist, and a visionary—a general whose legacy will forever resonate in the annals of history.

“General Son Taegi was nothing short of brilliant. He possessed great wisdom to make decisions that led his troops to many victories. His dedication to his craft was unwavering, and his innovative approaches often turned the tide of conflict.”

Your hands fidgeted with your notecards. You were supposed to announce your succession next, but you couldn’t bring yourself to. You knew you might face shit from your officials for this, who were already frowning at your prolonged pause, but the people didn’t want to hear you read off of a paper. They wanted to hear what you really thought about General Son’s passing. You turned the cards upside down, adjusted the black shawl over your shoulders and faced the crowd.

“Today, we mourn the loss of a great leader, a mentor, a friend. General Son’s legacy lives on in the lives he touched, the battles he fought, and the ideals he upheld. It is him who I owe my military career to. When I first met him, he was the Lieutenant General, and I was only 14, a student preparing to become an alchemist scholar. But he saw my potential and had faith in me to build me up to where I am now. The gratitude that I have for him is ineffable. I wish I could have shown him how thankful I was… I wish… I wish that I could’ve embraced him, just once, and told him that he was my hero. That he was our nation’s hero. And he will never stop becoming our hero, even after his passing.

“On this cloudy day, let us wish General Son to rest in honor. Your memory will forever be etched in our hearts and minds. Your legacy will continue to guide us, as we march on, following the path you’ve illuminated for us all.”

You were crying again, but strangely, your voice was clear and calm.

“Today, I stand before you with a mixture of honor, humility, and determination as I accept the mantle of leadership that has been passed on to me. I step into this role with a profound respect for the challenges that lie ahead. I understand that this is not a position to be taken lightly; it is a privilege earned through steadfast devotion to the welfare of our troops and the security of our nation.

“Our strength lies not only in our magic but also in our unity. I am committed to fostering an environment that encourages collaboration, innovation and growth—an environment where each of you can thrive and contribute to our collective success.

“By no means am I here to replace General Son’s legacy. But I do wish to build upon it. Just as he led with wisdom, I will strive to lead with prudence. Just as he inspired with courage, I will strive to inspire with unfaltering resolve.

“Thank you for your trust, your camaraderie, and your dedication. To my soldiers, let us move forward as one, united by our purpose and guided by the spirit of service that defines us as our nation’s defenders. With your support, dedication, and the honor you bring to your uniforms, we will march forward, ensuring that the legacy of General Son lives on through our actions, our successes, and our faithful commitment to duty. To my people, let us protect you and allow you to live in peace and prosperity as my soldiers and I strive to bring our nation to victory in this damned war.

“I thank you again for coming here today. Let us continue to honor the past while embracing the future, as I promise to do my best as your new Darlaean General.”

There was a roar of applause.

It was so loud that it drowned out your thoughts.

When you were ushered off of the stage, you thought you would be scolded by your officials, but you weren’t. In fact, they looked at you with awe.

“You added a personal touch to it,” Jungkook told you. He held your hand as the two of you made your way to the orchard. It’d been so long since you had walked there. “It was beautiful. And it was improvised, which is the most impressive part.”

“Thank you,” you said. “I-I… I honestly can’t quite remember what I said. The words… they just came out.”

“And they were perfect,” Jungkook said. He squeezed your hand.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered.

“What for?” he asked, but you knew he knew what you were talking about. You gave him a look. He sighed. “I was expecting it,” he said quickly. “I think we all were. And besides, you deserve it,” he told you. “You were always better than me at everything.”

Was that a hint of bitterness in his voice?

“Doesn’t matter,” Jungkook said. “I’m here to serve you now as your lieutenant general.”

You nodded. “I trust you with my life,” you said. “And love you just the same.”

He smiled. Tap, tap, tap, tap, his fingers gently danced on your skin.

I trust you with my life, too, he answered. And I love you even more.

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⨰ a/n: ahh only three more chapters left until this flashback ends!! as you can see, things are picking up. it will continue to get darker as we approach the flashback's end!!

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