#lmao its been a decade folks

[intheholler]

the appalachian murder ballad <3 one of the most interesting elements of americana and american folk, imo!

my wife recently gave me A Look when i had one playing in the car and she was like, "why do all of these old folk songs talk about killing people lmao" and i realized i wanted to Talk About It at length.

nerd shit under the cut, and it's long. y'all been warned

so, as y'all probably know, a lot of appalachian folk music grew its roots in scottish folk (and then was heavily influenced by Black folks once it arrived here, but that's a post for another time).

they existed, as most folk music does, to deliver a narrative--to pass on a story orally, especially in communities where literacy was not widespread. their whole purpose was to get the news out there about current events, and everyone loves a good murder mystery!

as an aside, i saw someone liken the murder ballad to a ye olde true crime podcast and tbh, yeah lol.

the "original" murder ballads started back across the pond as news stories printed on broadsheets and penned in such a way that it was easy to put to melody.

they were meant to be passed on and keep the people informed about the goings-on in town. i imagine that because these songs were left up to their original orators to get them going, this would be why we have sooo many variations of old folk songs.

naturally then, almost always, they were based on real events, either sung from an outside perspective, from the killer's perspective and in some cases, from the victim's. of course, like most things from days of yore, they reek of social dogshit. the particular flavor of dogshit of the OG murder ballad was misogyny.

so, the murder ballad came over when the english and scots-irish settlers did. in fact, a lot of the current murder ballads are still telling stories from centuries ago, and, as is the way of folk, getting rewritten and given new names and melodies and evolving into the modern recordings we hear today.

305 such scottish and english ballads were noted and collected into what is famously known as the Child Ballads collected by a professor named francis james child in the 19th century. they have been reshaped and covered and recorded a million and one times, as is the folk way.

while newer ones continued to largely fit the formula of retelling real events and murder trials (such as one of my favorite ones, little sadie, about a murderer getting chased through the carolinas to have justice handed down), they also evolved into sometimes fictional, (often unfortunately misogynistic) cautionary tales.

perhaps the most famous examples of these are omie wise and pretty polly where the woman's death almost feels justified as if it's her fault (big shocker).

but i digress. in this way, the evolution of the murder ballad came to serve a similar purpose as the spooky legends of appalachia did/do now.

(why do we have those urban legends and oral traditions warning yall out of the woods? to keep babies from gettin lost n dying in them. i know it's a fun tiktok trend rn to tell tale of spooky scary woods like there's really more haints out here than there are anywhere else, but that's a rant for another time too ain't it)

so, the aforementioned little sadie (also known as "bad lee brown" in some cases) was first recorded in the 1920s. i'm also plugging my favorite female-vocaist cover of it there because it's superior when a woman does it, sorry.

it is a pretty straightforward murder ballad in its content--in the original version, the guy kills a woman, a stranger or his girlfriend sometimes depending on who is covering it.

but instead of it being a cautionary 'be careful and don't get pregnant or it's your fault' tale like omie wise and pretty polly, the guy doesn't get away with it, and he's not portrayed as sympathetic like the murderer is in so many ballads.

a few decades after, women started saying fuck you and writing their own murder ballads.

in the 40s, the femme fatale trope was in full swing with women flipping the script and killing their male lovers for slights against them instead.

men began to enter the "find out" phase in these songs and paid up for being abusive partners. women regained their agency and humanity by actually giving themselves an active voice instead of just being essentially 'fridged in the ballads of old.

her majesty dolly parton even covered plenty of old ballads herself but then went on to write the bridge, telling the pregnant-woman-in-the-murder-ballad's side of things for once. love her.

as a listener, i realized that i personally prefer these modern covers of appalachian murder ballads sung by women-led acts like dolly and gillian welch and even the super-recent crooked still especially, because there is a sense of reclamation, subverting its roots by giving it a woman's voice instead.

meaning that, like a lot else from the problematic past, the appalachian murder ballad is something to be enjoyed with critical ears. violence against women is an evergreen issue, of course, and you're going to encounter a lot of that in this branch of historical music.

but with folk songs, and especially the murder ballad, being such a foundational element of appalachian history and culture and fitting squarely into the appalachian gothic, i still find them important and so, so interesting

i do feel it's worth mentioning that there are "tamer" ones. with traditional and modern murder ballads alike, some of them are just for "fun," like a murder mystery novel is enjoyable to read; not all have a message or retell a historical trial.

(for instance, i'd even argue ultra-modern, popular americana songs like hell's comin' with me is a contemporary americana murder ballad--being sung by a male vocalist and having evolved from being at the expense of a woman to instead being directed at a harmful and corrupt church. that kind of thing)

in short: it continues to evolve, and i continue to eat that shit up.

anyway, to leave off, lemme share with yall my personal favorite murder ballad which fits squarely into murder mystery/horror novel territory imo.

it's the 10th child ballad and was originally known as "the twa sisters." it's been covered to hell n back and named and renamed.

but! if you listen to any flavor of americana, chances are high you already know it; popular names are "the dreadful wind and rain" and sometimes just "wind and rain."

in it, a jealous older sister pushes her other sister into a river (or stream, or sea, depending on who's covering it) over a dumbass man. the little sister's body floats away and a fiddle maker come upon her and took parts of her body to make a fiddle of his own. the only song the new fiddle plays is the tale about how it came to be, and it is the same song you have been listening to until then.

how's that for genuinely spooky-scary appalachia, y'all?

[thegempage]

stands on your dash. i've been doing some thinking

and i think my ideal narilamb dynamic would theoretically be like

narinder resurrects the lamb as a vessel -> they get closer as the lamb learns how to be a cult leader and how to use the crown -> narinder realizes he's having Real feelings for his newest vessel and prophesied savior -> he can't do that bcus he's going to have to kill them once he's freed so he suppresses the feelings and maintains a pleasant but distant friendship with the lamb -> the lamb realizes only as he pulls away that they were starting to have feelings for narinder and thinks that he's pulling away bcus he noticed and wants them to back off -> narinder is satisfied but a little sad that the lamb seems to be accepting the distance and assumes nothing was happening there -> they're mutually pining as the lamb gets closer to the goal and narinder starts grieving this through the joy of anticipating freedom -> narinder tries to kill the lamb who instead defeats and indoctrinates narinder -> all of the love on both sides of this equation turns to bitter betrayal bcus the lamb thought they could maybe spend eternity together and narinder was expecting the lamb to lay down their life for him -> they're stuck together anyway -> over the course of like a decade (potentially more) + the lamb dealing with the other bishops + a lot of working together they manage to pull a friendship back together -> one day a cultist refers to narinder as the lamb's husband and they realize that at some point maybe they did fall back in love. and it's different now and it's weird and it's nothing like what they each were expecting the first time around. but it's something and it's beautiful in its own way

(also important: there Are arguments in the decade interim. like they're not getting to the love without talking about the betrayal and they're not going to talk about that without getting into arguments and sometimes the arguments aren't technically about the betrayal but they kind of are about the betrayal and the pain and the fact that neither of them is inherently a very good communicator and the fact that the lamb is a mortal learning to be a god and narinder is a god learning to be a mortal)

this is. of course. so much fucking timeline. there's no guarantee that i will or won't write this eventually but if this concept is out there somewhere i'd love to see it lmao (or if someone sees this and wants to elaborate on it. tag me pls). this is also definitely pieced together from other folks' wonderful ideas so if this has echoes of something else that's why jfkldsajfklds

[tathrin]

Okay but the Dunedáin. They've been roaming the western wilds for years and years. And then Aragorn goes off and gets himself made king of Gondor, huzzah ring the bells sound the trumpets etc.

But.

The Dunedáin. Do they all go to Gondor with him? I feel like that's the implication of things. But like...do they all want to? And if/when they do, how does it go?

(There has to be a significantly higher number of them than the 30 we see represented by the Grey Company, too, right? Like even assuming the addition of wives-elders-and-children to those numbers, there has to be a much larger population than that if they're maintaining a population. Even with intermarrying of the other locals. Like, even with Magical Noble Lineage going on to keep things from getting wonky, they can't be interbreeding that much or else everybody would be an Heir To The Throne Of Gondor by now lmao. Those 30 have to just be a fraction of their folk. The "good riders and good warriors who could be gathered on quick notice" fraction.)

Is everybody excited to leave their lowkey wilderness-with-the-occasional-vacation-in-Rivendell existence in favor of the Fancy Shiny White City Full Of Other Humans? The Dunedáin have been living like this for hundreds and hundreds of years. It's not just a "we spent a few decades in exile, but taught our kids Our Ways to preserve them, so they'd be comfortable when they went home" situation. They've been living like this for so long that this is their way of life. This is their home. And now they're supposed to just pack-up and go to Gondor and be fine?

And how do the Gondorians react to having not just a new king, but a new king who brings along a whole bunch of scruffy Rangers for his retinue? Are they welcomed eagerly by a people who've just endured great loss of life and need hands to help them rebuild? I mean tbf probably at first, sure; but how long does that welcome endure without starting to cool when these Rangers prove to be not just Gondorians From Elsewhere Who Nonetheless Act Just Like The Rest Of Us And Know Our City And Its Ways As Well As We Do? Because they don't! They don't even know which hall is used for banquets and which for dancing! They don't know that on Aldëa we wear carnë! and so on.

(Do they all just go to Ithilien with Faramir out of sheer what-the-fuck-am-I-going-to-do-in-this-bigass-city-ness?)

Yes they're all of the Blood of Westernesse and all that, shared Numenorian heritage blah blah blah...but imagine you've been living off-the-grid in the forests of Pennsylvania, and all of a sudden you're dropped in the middle of NYC and told this is your home now, enjoy? How weird would that be? How bizarre, how overwhelming?

Maybe you like it, maybe you thrive there! Maybe you find that Gondorian Civilization is what you've been looking for all along! But what if you don't? What if you find you really hate crowds, and the politics of the city are stifling, and you didn't spend the last seventy years travelling all over Middle-earth learning everybody's ways and culture, thanks, and frankly you'd rather be back in Bree making small-talk with simple farmers and Hobbits, where everybody knows your (nick)name and you're comfortable? Even if you do like it, even if this is All Your Hopes Come True, it's still got to be enormously disruptive. And if you don't...yikes.

(Again, sure, there's Ithilien. But even though that wild-land-recovering-from-the-scars-of-the-Enemy would be more familiar ground to you than the city itself, and Faramir is a great guy and all, Ithilien still isn't your home.)

Like...you don't get to just go back, do you? (Do you?) Maybe but even if you do, even if some of them did, their way of life is still kind of broken; because most of your fellow Rangers are in Gondor now, and you aren't even allowed into the Shire, and the Enemy you've been guarding folks from all this time is gone...

And sure, it's good! This is a good result! This is the Best Case Scenario Ending, really!

But still. What about the Dunedáin?

[foibles-fables]

What's that? Random asks? Don't mind if I do!

How did you hear about Horizon that made you want to play it, and how was that first time?

Howdy hello and HECK YES! I love this question.

So--summer 2020. I'd just come back from a decade-long hiatus from fandom in general, and was starting to learn the new ropes and spaces (this former livejournal clown breaking into discord and twitter, etc.). One night, I was scrolling through my twitter timeline and happened to stumble upon the freshly-posted E3 announcement trailer for HFW. And even though I hadn't really played a narrative video game since the PS2 era, I decided to watch it. And, huh! I remember saying, "Badass freckly redheaded archer...seems relevant to my interests." The graphics were absolutely gorgeous and what little hints of the story were present in that trailer (especially for someone who knew nothing of the narrative background presented so far) were compelling.

So I looked up some info and found out that it was a sequel to a 2017 game. Cool. Filed that away for later, deciding to get a PS5 when they released later that year.

Jump-cut to late December. I managed to get my hands on a PS5, and it was delivered a couple days before Christmas. Which was awesome, because life was not going super well and I needed a heavy-duty distraction. At this point I had kind of pushed Horizon to the backburner and was instead excited to play AC Valhalla as my first game! But when I booted up, I learned that my mother had bought me the disc version as a Christmas gift. I was left with a couple of days to try other stuff out before I could dive in to ACV.

So, I shrugged and downloaded HZD instead. And the rest is kind of history.

Went into it kind of ambivalent and really hoping I would like it. I had tried to play BotW and was completely overwhelmed by the open-world aspects, and not in a pleasant way, and I hoped that wouldn't be the case here. I'd also never really been into a ton of action games before, as most of my old faves were turn-based. The gameplay itself wouldn't be the clincher for me--that would be the story.

WELL, good news is, I was hooked from the prologue. I would equate playing HZD to not just watching a narrative masterwork unfold, but being in the driver's seat of one. Each discovery Aloy and I made was enthralling and exhilarating, and I legitimately could not stop playing. Could not stop exploring. Every side quest, every collectible, every corner of the map (besides the hunting grounds after earning my Suns at the Nora one, SORRY TALANAH). The entirety of "Deep Secrets of the Earth" had me staring into the darkness of my gaming room in a mix of existential horror and pure amazement. I wept at the ending. The HZD cast left an indelible mark on my heart, and it really reminded me of just how powerful game stories can be. Still trapped in hyperfixation hell (affectionate) over it.

The fun didn't stop there, though. By the time I finished the game (I took my time!), it was early February 2021. I feel very lucky to have sauntered in when I did, because it really seems like it was the perfect time to join the fandom. Folks were coming out of hibernation from both 2017 and the 2020 PC release, hyped with excitement and theories for HFW. Within those first months I met some of the most fabulous and now-lifelong friends (and more <3) I've ever had.

Bottom line: after playing HZD, Horizon and the fandom pulled me through a very very very difficult time in my life. I'm eternally grateful to this series and the meaning I derive from it. Especially from the first game--its vibrant narrative, and its absolutely fantastic characters. Lightning in a bottle, man.

And no, I still haven't finished AC Valhalla. lmao.

[basilpaste]

Ooo Danganronpa was one of my first major interests, glad to hear there’s still folks that like it! I haven’t been able to find another game to fill that niche for me, and since I don’t think they’ll be making another entry in the series anytime soon I think that niche will have to stay unfilled for now 😔

yeah lmao. i think theyve done just about as much with the dr series as theyre gonna. which as much as that saddens me as a long time fan, i get it. not much more you can do with the concept of 'a bunch of characters with specific talents are trapped in a location and have to kill each other' i fear.

i will say that, despite the gripes i have with some of the characters (aaaah kodaka token perv characters my beloathed), raincode is a pretty solid spiritual successor!!! its not perfect by any means, but there are some really strong characters in it and the twist is pretty fuckin phenomenal.

ive been a fan of the series for like... basically a decade now? and i will say that i cannot fucking BELIEVE the last game we got was fucking the ultimate summer camp game, but i still think of it pretty damn fondly. oooooh saiibo my fucking. white whale.

[buckera]

get to know me EVEN better 🫣

I was tagged by @forthewolves thank you lovely mwuah 💛

I'm gonna drop it under the cut cuz its a bit long~

also I just answered some of these in the other post, so pay no mind to the 2 copy+pastes uhhh

three ships: (I'm gonna give three different ones here though, it pays to be a multishipper hehe) chanoey, hilson, spideypool

first ever ship: I wanna say... Hiei x Kurama from YYH?? Or maybe Leon and Yuri from Kaleido Star?? idk I was like 12 it's gotta be one of these 🥲

last song: The Moon Will Sing by The Crane Wives

last movie: still Barbie... you gotta understand that I watch TV shows all the time, but I can't make myself sit down and watch a movie that I haven't seen before, more than once every 3 years

currently reading: I am shamelessly rereading all things bright and beautiful by @forthewolves because of feels™ and because the last time I read it was just before I actually started watching the show 🤭

currently watching: you know it already and it's probably gonna be the same for the next couple of months because I'm hooked 🥲

consuming: can of diet coke ✌️

currently craving: validation and motivation ugh

nicknames: okay so I have sooo many, mainly because I used to use my first name and then my middle name for 14 years each, before I changed my name lol but also because I've been in fandom since I was like 12 so I accumulated a lot of character names that I was associated with at the time, I listen to anything at this point... that being said the ones I'm actually willing to give here are: newbs (which is 10/10 btw) and newbster haha

zodiac: pisces 🐠

fav music: goood so many but uhh indie/alternative stuff mostly, slavic electro folk, drum and bass, electro swing, newschool rockabilly/rock 'n' roll, anything good tbh, not techno though

followers: 1365

following: 273 (I've been going out of my way to follow more blogs that post stuff that I like, but I had a big cleanup there like 3 months ago)

do you get asks: sometimes, mostly about buddie lately which allows me to ramble on about them even more 😭 though I get the occasional rude asks from stupid people, but I just delete those lmao

amount of sleep: 6 hours I think??? Actually maybe less...

what are you wearing: black baggy pants with a waist string and a sinched bottom, a stripey crop jumper (white base, yellow, pink, blue and purple stripes), Looney Tunes socks

dream job: I mean, it used to be making cartoons, that's why I studied animation, but now I'm training to be an actor so wish me luck guys 🫡

languages: english, hungarian and what miniscule amount of german I still have left rattling around in my brain from school

random fact: I changed my name legally last December and I was struggling to pick a middle name for months, and as some of you may know already newbie is a nickname that Dr Cox calls JD in Scrubs and I have been using it for over a decade, so I thought if I was fine with that for so long, then I might as well give a subtle nod to the character irl too and I won't tell you what it is, but that's exactly what I did 😌

aesthetic: depending on the day; skater boy, dark academia librarian or insta mum 🥲

no pressure tagging: @daffi-990 @jesuisici33 @ladydorian05 @excuseme-greentea @yelenasbuddie @icecreampotluck @notnowtobey @hawkinsleather @disasterbuckdiaz and anyone who wants to do it of course! ✨

[monster-noises]

not to be basic but 1 and 2 from that meta ask meme?

all the question are on the list for a reason Anon! no need to put yourself down for it v-v 1&2 are Excellent questions I"m happy to answer! now. I Imagine you intended this for Lazarus, But! you were not specific so you will now get a Very long post about Everyone >:3c (and by everyone I mean the main 3 characters I consider 'Bartholomew's Nasty Little Bastards')

First up, of course, we will do Lazarus! 1. What inspired you to create your oc?

The really obvious answer here is Re8, my instant consuming love for it and for Karl, the overwhelming need to like... Participate, somehow, in that world, but not being able to cross the Full self-insert hurdle.. He's basically a very Warped-beyond-recognition version of a self-insert, a guy all his own but in somewhere still very Connected to the Me. But the more like.. in depth stuff, like what inspired Lazarus to Be Who He Is is like.. I love like.. weird Art Gore, Body-As-Art kinda shit, Meaningful and disturbing.. somehow Comforting and he's kinda the perfect vessel for that. I've had the Human Taxidermy Artist thing floating around the back of my mind for a decade or so just Waiting for a place to land and Laz was a golden opportunity v-v.

2.Why does your oc look the way they do? What are your reasons for their appearance? When I was settling Lazarus's design I wanted him to have this appearance of like, a very refined and elegant individual; beautiful in a sort of Severe way, but twist it up ever so slightly so he registers as Uncanny and Gross. Beauty Hiding Filth and all that. (just think about how many Fluids get into that Velvet Ensemble on the daily, it's Not Good.) Like the way his pants cut him and the vertical lines make him just All Leg. And his pallid bloodstained skin which makes him look like a Walking Corpse, hair slicked back with its own grease.. a figure that's bewitching and unsettling to witness also yes, the hair is Both a Me thing and a Bride of Frankenstein thing.

Virgil always feels right coming Second on these things.. 1. Inspiration Virgil is ooooooooooold, he's so Old, virgil is Ancient Virgil is possibly my oldest still-in-use OC, I created him a Looooooong ass time ago. like 2010 Long Ass Time. That is to say I do not know Why she exists.

Okay, Not entirely true. I made her for a comic I was writing with my friend at the time. She was my part of the main villain pair, but I do Not remember how I ended up on Toxicologist prodigy but make it Cowboy (which was always a bit of a misnomer for the vibe but nowadays Especially he's less Johnny Cash more Nickleback) I Think, I Think, what I wanted was to have a character that contrasted the Hardest against my friends main villain? who was very Orderly and Serious and Efficient?? beats me though that was So long ago.. I was also just listening to a Lot of Nickleback-esk music at the time, which may have been an influencing factor lmao

2. Appearance Virgil's appearance is pretty simple to explain, all told! He's a Country Boy/Girl, rowdy and ostentatious, and very secure in her understanding of that part of herself. It's where she comes from, and despite his rocky relationship with home it's who he is, y'know? The brightest (and most dangerous) mind in Toxicology doesn't Have to look exactly how you'd Expect her to look now does she? (Virgil pictured here on the Right)

Now our wonderful little Ulysses vwv)/ 1. Inspiration oh this is an Interesting one!! Ulysses (and Charlie, for that matter) came from 2 distinct places to land where they are now.. From time to time I like to entertain the idea of starting a band and having a musical career of some kind, something that blends my love of folk/bluegrass, prog-rock, and power metal into a loud villainous and exhilarating sound. and a few years back, as I was getting into Bluegrass for the first time, I was struck by a Concept for a Concept Album. It was called The Book of Brother UIysses; the story of a sniveling little priest in the frontier days and his Cursed Book, following him around as he fed townsfolk to whatever entity lived in its pages until he was finally Consumed himself. I toyed with it for a bit and eventually put it back on the shelf until the Musical Fancy struck me once more, untiiiiil I was listening to friends at the table: sangfielle and had both a deep desire to do a Horror-Fantasy Western ttrpg And satisfy my ever-present desire to weasel my way into playing two characters at once.. and I pulled ol' Ulysses off the shelf again and made some.. Additions. This has evolved now into them being just like.. free floating OC's? I don't plan on making a comic out of them, I would Still love an opportunity to play them in a TTRPG setting, but I'm not Banking on it, and hey, who knows, maybe I Will make that album someday, but for now they just kinda amorphously Exist within Something resembling a Narrative in my head after a long and complicated journey...

2. Appearance Similar to Lazarus, I wanted Ulysses to be unsettling, but in a Slightly different way. He's too clean- his all black outfit is never grimy, he is clean shaven his hair perfectly quaffed, with that plastered on grin, under eyes obscured by reflective glasses the vibes are just Immediately Off. To the flip side of that I always wanted him to look kinda.. pathetic. When we see him outside of his Persona as The Keeper of the Book, as just a man that is still Human in many ways; he's just.. small, waifish, behind the glasses his eyes are big and jittery, like a pray animal caught in a snare and still trying to fight its way out..

[dungeonmastersconsortium]

TW: Mental Health

I struggled a lot with deciding whether or not to make this post. At various times while writing it, I have thought that it was (either separately, some simultaneously, or all together) vain, self-deprecating, self-indulgent, selfish, attention seeking, or too depressing for anyone else to read. And if you continue past this point, heads up: it probably is these things at various times.

For those of you that don't know, I have Bipolar 1 and Borderline personality disorder. I have been actively putting in the work for a few years to get myself toward a better place mentally. Therapy, psych, meds, you name it, I've been doing it. I firmly believe it's important to do the work. (Honestly, you should go to therapy too.) I need to start off by saying this because it's an important foundation for the rest of this post.

My pair of SWEET mental illnesses manifest together in various ways. Individually, they're kind of what you might expect. Take the Bipolar 1. If you've known me for a long time and we interact in person, socially, I GUARANTEE you have experienced one of my manic episodes, and possibly benefitted from it in some way. I'm "lucky" in that the way my manic/hypomanic episodes manifest is mostly in ways that don't directly harm people, especially physically. I get VERY charismatic and outgoing. Very impulsive. WAY more social. I get very generous with my friends, moreso than normal. These also have some really bad downsides, but they aren't the things that would get me hospitalized. (Except for a couple instances of auditory hallucination back in my younger days. Hasn't happened in over a decade, though.) But my impulsivity has hurt people's feelings when I do something careless. I've developed coping mechanisms for this that allow me to more responsibly indulge in mania (which DOES feel great, unfortunately) without harming anyone usually.

Y'all also definitely know I can get pretty depressed. It happens. It happened a LOT in the past. A little less often now. Part of the bipolar thing too.

In short, I feel things much more strongly than neurotypical folks. This applies to all emotional states. While not everything I feel is extreme, the strength at which I feel things has a greater capacity for highs and lows. I guess the best way to explain it would be that most neurotypical folks have an emotional capacity from 1-10, and it's a pretty even scale, proportional to events that occur to trigger that emotional state. I would characterize myself as having a 1-20 scale. One problem is that my emotional scale isn't exactly EVEN. The higher the initial emotional reaction, the more likely it is to slide up the scale if left unchecked. If I'm not careful, something that solicits a reaction of, say, 7, will work its way up higher and higher.

You've heard of people being "overcome by emotion," and I can tell you that it's… SOMETHING. My previous therapist described it as not just a negative thing, he referred to it as a kind of superpower. While yes, I can feel sadness, despair, anger, hopelessness, and outrage at incredibly strong levels, I also experience joy, love, excitement, and passionate at similarly high levels. This can be VERY dangerous if left unchecked for me. A strong "active" emotion like excitement, joy, or anger can trigger a full manic episode.

Every day is work for me, mentally. One of the things 3 separate therapists and 2 psychologists have told me is that I'm very good at metacognition. Metacognition is, in short, thinking about thinking. I'm pretty good at tracking my own thought patterns and examining root causes of present emotions. I'm pretty dang good at this point especially at pointing out to my partners when I can feel the mania or depression coming on. (Which I think they're pretty grateful for lmao) It helps me regulate my emotions, as I can usually backtrack something and figure out when/why it is that way. My last therapist told me it makes his job both easier and harder, because most people have trouble identifying their own thought patterns and processes in therapy, which is why they're in therapy.

I have, both inadvertently and on purpose, developed a lot of tools to help manage my behaviors. In general terms, the best metaphor I can think of is a sheepdog trying to herd a particularly unruly herd of sheep, with no fence. Part of me is just trying to get out, even though it'll objectively be bad for me. The other part of me is constantly running circles around the herd, doing its best to keep everything within safe boundaries. There's a problem with this, though, that the metaphor is also handy for.

A dog can't run forever. At some point, it's going to get tired. It's going to need a break, to rest. Even when the sheep aren't actively trying to get away, just remaining vigilant in place can be tiring. Because it KNOWS they're gonna try to get away again.

My biggest problem over the last couple years is… Hard to talk about. I've trained myself to be able to regulate, but it's a LOT of work. It can be VERY frustrating even when great things are happening, because I can't just let go and enjoy something, as if I let it go too far, it might be bad news. I keep myself in check because I don't want to hurt other people. In my deepest, most authentic self, I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's TIRING.

I think it's why one of my love languages is acts of service and gift giving. (Both giving and receiving.) Someone taking something off my plate without me having to ask is VERY meaningful to me, especially since I have a hard time asking for help. (Part of the whole 'not wanting to make my mental health other people's problem thing.) Gifts also show me concrete proof that other people think about me and care about me during the times I can't remember that any other way. If you've ever been in my office/game room, I'm surrounded by tokens of my friends'/partners'/former students' affection.

The big problem is that… This is kinda the rest of my life. It's a lot of work, with no end in sight if I want to be the person I want to be. Looking out over the horizon of years that I have remaining, however many that might be… The task seems daunting and despair inducing. A prior therapist suggested DBT, but I HAVE the tools to cope, which is what DBT offers. DBT involves twice weekly sessions, one individually and one group, where you learn the skills to deal with your strong emotions, your relationship with attachment, (whether you actively avoid, push away, or attach too strongly,) and develop the tools to handle it. And there's a lot of homework. A LOT. And diary work. And that's why it was never going to work for me. I ALREADY do the mental lists, the metacognition, the identification. The thought of duplicating that work only made the despair worse.

Sometimes I just want to let everything go and be truly reckless for a little while. (No, not like in a stupid "my jokerification moment" kind of way.) Not because I want to hurt other people, but because.. Well, selfishly, it's not fair to have to be this vigilant all the time. It's constant work that I have to do that others don't have to do. It's exhausting and tiring, and there's no therapy that can really address that part of my brain. The frustrating part of therapy and psychiatry is that there's a focus on bringing the patient/client to as close they can to functioning in society, and I put in a LOT of work. There's a lot that I can say about how much it sucks that the SOCIETY we're supposed to be a part of (USA + Capitalism) says, "get on board or fucking die," and does not do any work to accommodate us. But that's a whole other conversation, and this post is already REALLY long.

There's not much of a point here. There's no moral. I guess I just wanted to share my struggle. Maybe someone else will see this and relate. I know it's difficult to find. If you google, "why didn't DBT work for me," you'll get mostly articles talking about how it works for 70-77% of people with BPD, or forum posts telling those asking this question (usually asked in frustrated, despairing tones) that they just didn't work hard enough. Or buy in to the program enough.

I find that insulting. I do work hard, because I think the work is WORTH it. But a lifetime of work like this is daunting when you consider it as a whole, not just as the present. So I try to take it a moment at a time. A day at a time. A week, maybe.

I guess I'll close with a quote from The Good Place. Because I just binge watched it again last weekend.

“I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.”

-Chid Anagonye

[posi-pan]

this is mainly me venting, but i really hate that people on tiktok have started identity battles between bi and pan again. every time i get a bi safe space account on my for you page, its always talking about how pan ppl are biphobic/transphobic if they dont acknowledge pan as a micro label of bi or mention that the pan label is "biphobic/trabsphobic in origin". i get it definitions change all the time and everything, but its genuinely upsetting when im constantly told that my pan identity is me hating bi people again as if i havent seen it enough from panphobes on tumblr/twitter. i love my fellow mspec ppl but every pan hc is met with "oh actually theyre bi :)" or "you know pan has a problematic origin right?". if i identified as bi id use the bi label but i Dont identify as bi and constantly being told over and over that im "bi lite" or part of the "bi umbrella" is upsetting. i want to enjoy the bi/pan/omni solidarity that has been made, but i cant because everyone wants to suddenly exclude pan people again

oof. i only use twitter and tumblr so i don't know what goes on over on other sites, but i'm not surprised people are still spreading that bullshit. panphobes haven't shut the fuck up on here or twitter, so i wouldn't expect them to on other sites.

but it really annoys me that people pull that "pan people are -phobic if they don't acknowledge *insert lie here*" shit. it's such fucking bullshit. to think they can pressure pan folks into believing lies and panphobic rhetoric by calling us bigots if we don't???? fuck that. like do they really think we're so desperate for their "support" that we'll just swallow and regurgitate whatever bullshit they spew??? especially when we know damn well that if we accept lie 1, they're just gonna move onto lie 2, and so on and so on?? the goalpost will never be still with them.

ugh. sorry for venting back at you lmao shit is just frustrating. and i'm so over the whole bi vs pan thing. like it's so a decade ago. let it go. leave people alone. why does someone's label bother these people on such a deep level? they need to find some happiness in their lives and maybe that won't be the case.

anyways. i'm sorry you're dealing with this shit and having your online spaces ruined by it. i hope you can find circles of people and communities where people aren't panphobic or starting new intracommunity bullshit.

[henrike-does-writing-sometimes]

When the Battle Is Over

A little drabble for my magical boys that I started months ago and only now finished lmao. Just lighthearted fluff of the boys recovering from a particularly tough battle :)

(I do wanna write some real angsty fluff with them some day, some good ol’ hurt comfort-)

Word count: 1826 Warnings: Mentions of injuries and blood, but nothing graphic Wip: The Divine Characters: Rei Yamada, Andie Calinao-Fox, Timothy Murphy, Nico Morales, Mike Chandler

: Taglist - @vacantgodling​​​ :

Let me know if you want to be added/removed !

//

"Blinding,"

"Penta,"

"Strike!"

The attack made the ache in their bodies stronger, but it did manage to nullify the monster. Dispelling whatever force had taken hold of it, returning it back to its original form; A pick-up truck, as innocent as can be. Like it hadn't tried to maul them just moments prior. The Celestial responsible for it had been detained and brought to the Sanctuary for questioning hours ago. Leaving the Champions to deal with whatever monsters he'd left behind. It had been quite a handful, more than they were used to in one night.

When the dust had settled, when they were sure the monster was gone, Rei collapsed. Finally able to breathe again. The cold air bit at his lungs, and at his bruises and cuts. Rei hissed as the pain made itself known once more. Especially when his bruised left hand was lightly pressed against the ground.

"Is everyone alive?" Nico called out with a tired voice. 

"Barely." Timothy answered. The same could be said for Andie, who was leaning against the ravenette for support.

“That should’ve been the last one.” Mike said, eyes scanning the area still on high alert. 

"It better have been the last one." Rei muttered. He looked around, only no able to notice how unfamiliar the scenery was. "Does anyone know where we are?"

"The old folk park, I think." Timothy said. "Looks way different during the night, though."

“We’re on the other side of the city?” Andie groaned. 

"That light post monster sure could run." Nico hummed. He then shivered as a near freezing wind swept past. The cold temperature was another thing they’d barely noticed during the battle.

"My house is closest from here," Mike said, "And my parents aren't home for the night so that’s a plus. Though it’s still a bit of a walk to get there…"

“If I remember correctly, the should be a bus stop nearby.” Timothy noted, much to Rei’s disdain.

"No, please. Can we not?" he protested.

"Dude, you can barely stand." Andie pointed out. Rei was about to claim his collapse had nothing to do with his ability to stand, when Nico appeared before him— a hand stretched out for him and a warm smile on his lips. "It's okay, we'll cover you." 

Rei pouted, because while he could stand just fine and hated people looking at him, he was also exhausted. Almost enough to bear the embarrassment. Almost. "Fine." he mumbled and took Nico's hands. 

They walked to the bus stop in a herd, with Rei shielded in the middle. The youngest blocked out the event of getting on the bus. Truthfully, he blocked out most of the ride itself. Because of course there were a few people already seated. And of course they'd occasionally turned their heads to the back of the bus— catching glances of the technicolored, glowing, and very injured Champions. Thankfully no one did more than look, and soon the bus was driving away from them as Mike guided them back to his house. Using his last bit of power to shield them with an illusion as they made their way inside.

When the door closed behind them, the world outside was forgotten if only for the night. Monsters no longer had meaning, the coming day decades away. All that mattered as they piled into the spacious kitchen was then and there. And their several injuries.

It was then they de-transformed. Their Lumens appeared by their side, and immediately curled up on their shoulders. Them too exhausted after keeping the Wielders aetherium in control so it wouldn't kill them after the prolonged battle. 

"I'm gonna get these wee yins some place more comfortable." Timothy said, carefully moving Oid into his arms before gathering up the rest of their Lumens. 

"You can put them in my room," Mike said. "Third door to the left." Timothy gave a curt nod, and as he left he said, "Nico’s bleeding on the floor."

"Wha- shit!" indeed, blood was still running down the side of Nicos head, following the soft edge of his jaw to gather at his chin where it then dropped down onto the floor.

"How has that not dried yet?" Nico questioned out loud as he swiped the blood from his chin. He then went to do the same to the bleeding injury— stopped quickly by Mike catching his wrist in a soft yet stern grip. "Probably because you’ve been picking at it since we got on the bus." he grinned. He then cocked his head towards the sink. “I’ll help you get it cleaned up.”

“How’s your hand doing?” Andie asked and turned to Rei. The boy held it up, and they both scowled at the dark bruises and swelling. “Ok so, not good.”

“Yeah that sums it up.” Rei hummed, then shuddered as the scene flashed before his eyes. It had been the third monster they'd battled that night. By that point they'd started to be affected by the fatigue, which made them less careful, less organized. The monster had landed an easy blow on Rei, sending him to the ground. It had then pinned him down with a foot pressed against his wrist. Adding more and more pressure until Rei screamed. Bones threatening to break. 

"Here." Andie said, snapping Rei back to reality. They pulled out two of the dining chairs, motioning for Rei to sit in one while they plopped down on the other. "Let's have a look at it." 

Rei sat down and carefully held out his arm for the other boy. He winced at their touch, tensing up before quickly relaxing. Andie knew what they were doing, and Rei trusted them.

“Move your fingers?” they requested and Rei did. Slow and shaking. There was a dull ache in the limbs, static buzzing through him as he wiggled his fingers. It was painful, but bearable. 

“Well it’s not broken,” Andie concluded with a smile. “Most likely a sprain. Mike, you wouldn't happen to have anything that could work as a wrist brace?"

"Yeah! I got a few spare ones from when I got carpal tunnel. They're in the bathroom cabinet. First door to the right."

"Thank you!" Andie smiled before leaving the room. 

“Ouch!” Nico’s pained hiss caught Rei’s attention. The auburn-haired boy was sitting on the counter next to the sink with Mike by his side, quickly retracting the wet towel he’d been using to clean Nico’s wound with. “Sorry!” he apologized.

“It’s alright.” the other assured with a smile, and Mike went back to work.

"It doesn't too look too deep, thankfully." he assessed after a few more dabs.

"It’s also a lot smaller." Rei added, recalling how the injury had appeared the size of a saucer when they'd first seen it. Back when Nico had been unresponsive for a few dreadful minutes after having been thrown to the ground like a ragdoll. Had it not been for their uniforms, Rei was sure they’d all been long dead.

Mike hummed. “That’s good, but we’re going to need something stronger than water for this one either way. Hey, Andie? Can you bring-!”

“Disinfectant?” the boy filled in as they and Timothy appeared in the doorway. Both carrying anything and all they might need.

“Yes, thank you.” the older smiled as he took the bottle from Andie, who then turned to help Rei with the wrist brace.

They soon fell into a familiar flow, tending to their wounds in comforting silence. Bandages were wrapped around Mike's upper arm, where a blade had sliced into him. It wasn't deep, but it had gone much further than simply grazing his skin. It had bled a lot too, leaving a dark stain on his teal uniform shirt. Ice bags wrapped in towels were held to Timothy's injured nose. Nothing seemed to be broken, but it was still swollen and bruised, with dried scabs of blood from small cuts along the bridge. Colorful bandaids were littered over Andie's olive skin, hiding the many scrapes they'd gained that night.

When all physical injuries had been attended to, they moved into the living room— collapsing on the couch in one big pile. 

“What time is it?” Nico asked, officially breaking the silence. 

“03:17,” Andie read form their phone screen, and grinned. “Officially friday.”

“Don’t you have cheer practice on fridays?” Timothy said, and Andie’s grin fell immediately as they let out a groan. “Fuck me sideways.”

“You could always call in sick.” Rei suggested. 

“Nah, I can’t do that to my team. Nationals are coming up and we've got a streak to keep up."

"Does it count as a streak if you've alternated second and third every year?" Mike questioned.

"Yes, duh. It's a top three streak, obviously."

"Oh but of course." Timothy drawled.

"Dude fuck off."

“Question,” Nico spoke up. “If you get first place two times in a row does that replace the top three streak or are you on two streaks?”

“Can you even be on two streaks at the same time?” Rei arched his brow. 

“Yes you can,” Andie stated. “Just wait and see, dude.”

"I hope you get fourth this year."

"And I hope your stupid sweaters shrink in the wash." Andie quipped back at Timothy.

"Alright, alright," Nico chuckled and held his hand between the two. "Knock it off, you-" whatever he intended to say next was drowned out by a big yawn.

“Let me know when and I can drive you guys home.” Mike said, failing to fight off a yawn of his own.

“Mike, you’re half-asleep. You’re not driving anywhere tonight.” Timothy muttered. 

“You also have an injured arm,” Nico pointed out, “I’ll just tell my parents I stayed over at Adora’s place or something. They don’t care.”

“If Nico’s staying then I’m not getting up either.” Andie declared. 

"And besides, Rei is already asleep, so." Timothy's voice slurred slightly as he slowly began drifting off. 

“Okay. But we’re getting up early tomorrow, so I don’t want to hear anyone complain more than usual.” Mike smiled as he leaned further back on the couch. The rest seattle down in similar fashion, and soon the whole house had drifted off to sleep.  

Except for Rei. The youngest had been first to close his eyes, intending to fall asleep, but it took some time for him to get there. It always did. In the strange and timeless limbo of not quite awake, not quite asleep, he remained for a while. Listening to the gentle breathing of the others, and occasional snore from Nico. It would’ve startled him, had Rei not gotten used to it. Had he not found comfort in it, odd as it may be. But considering the odd group of people he trusted with his life, he shouldn’t be surprised. 

When, some time later, a big yawn pried his mouth open to escape, it took his last bits of consciousness with it.

"Goodnight, guys." he mumbled gently.

[muffinsin]

Oml i say that too! It annoys people to no end but oh well, i’m not asleep yet bc ive got some work to do for art so i’m doing that rn 🥲

I’m surprised no ones called you a lil cutie before, i think ur a chicken- idk if ur british or not but for the people reading this who arent its a british saying i think.

Also i loved the fluff fics, there so underrated.

-deluded anon

The dimitrescu daughters:

*Sips the same blood wine theyve been drinking for decades*

Ill tell you what though folks

Thats bloody nice

That is really

*sips again*

That is bloody lovely

Lmao I can relate, people do get tired of it sometimes. I don’t, I think references are fun XD Dang, I do hope you’ll be able to catch some Zzz’s soon then! At least stay hydrated hon, will you?🙌

Now, chicken isn’t something I’ve been called before either🙇‍♀️👀

I’m happy to hear that hon! :)

Lmao XD “it’s like a reward” *sipping*

[firespirited]

the wildest stupidest thing just happened, I live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. I go out to walk Talia the chihuahua 100 yards from home, see the local yobbo on a moped who doesn’t wear a helmet and does wheelies and whatnot up and down the one way street and he’s sat on his scooter looking ill with two police dudes crowding him so I snap a photo, like 30 m away and I’m obvious about it then put my phone away because I’m going to keep walking past him and ask is everything’s alright sirs, has there been an accident? yadda yadda neighbourly stuff. I walk up and before I can say anything sunglasses cop gets in my face wants to know why I took a photo and I need to hand him my phone right now because that’s illegal and must be deleted. (assume all caps speech from sunglasses)

If he’d been remotely polite and non-threatening, I probably would have complied, dog knows I’ve let systemic medical violence happen like I was watching it as an omniscient narrator. but because he came on so strong I’m frozen and robotic and worried for the young man if he’s this furious at a passerby.

I yammered something about just making sure the dude’s ok, you never know, sometimes things get out of hand and sunglasses wants to know why I’d assume that and I mumbled theyoungmanisn’twhitesosometimesthisdoesn’talwaysgogreat. Partner was chilling but sunglasses was really upset that “I’m profiling him”. Thank goodness he didn’t say reverse racism outright because that might have made me laugh - I have zero social skills and this man looks like this but buff skipped leg day full black uniform, black upper arm tats and crew cut #2.

I stay frozen (my brain is starting to feed me fawn/de-escalation/police soothing sympathy lines -because duh you guys know my childhood and teens- but it’s not making its way to my mouth) and don’t hand over my phone, “is that legal sir?” “yes it’s illegal and dangerous to publish photos of police. you are in violation, police endangerment, if you refuse to hand over your phone you’ll be sent to the gendarmerie” and somehow gendarmerie snapped me back: I can deal with gendarmes, the locals are fairly chill: they helped us sort out a restorative justice plan about ten years ago when a helper stole a large amount of money. I said “ok. yes. gendarmes, sir are you really sure this is legal?” and so he told me to sit down and the gendarmes would be called. I feel oddly relieved that I’m forced to be present with the young man so I sit right there in front of the moped (Talia was so unbothered by all of this - she would make a terrible guard dog), though he’s looking alright, I think he was just scared so I text M: “I’m close, at the olive grove corner but in trouble with the police for taking a photo, could she look up my rights” (I don’t have data).

Anyway five to ten minutes later, sunglasses has made a bunch of phone calls. I’m told I’m “allowed to leave” but sunglasses “would like to give me his strong opinion that I'm extremely prejudiced and shouldn’t interfere or make assumptions”. I get up and walk away with the intent of staying half way down the road but the gendarme car had arrived and a bunch of folks had appeared as it’s the end of school so I asked the dude if he was going to be ok and he said “yeah, it was my bad and it’s cool” and walked to M coming down the road - she had not looked up if it was legal, just thrown on a jacket and run out.

Anyway https://blog.droit-et-photographie.com/retour-sur-le-droit-a-limage-des-policiers/ it is totally legal to film police or gendarmes AND legal to publish. Sunglasses is in ‘us vs them’ mode, I could see it from his body language from far away and that’s a THEM problem (that and his collagues are smashing skulls left and right on TV right now).

This is so stupid and surreal, I barely leave the house, I live in a tiny town on the border of provence and haven’t been able to protest in decades and my crip-ass with a tiny dog is getting in trouble? LMAO.

Moped yobbo will need to redo his permit with the gendarmerie. It’s not a police matter*, i saw a police van and assumed there had been an accident or a crime. Pretty sure these two were supposed to be in town in case of protest vandalism but saw moped youngster and decided to rack one up.

this is the photo, a blurry thumb photo, it didn’t need emoji censoring and they’d moved away from the dude by the time I could snap.

PS if you’re french download the Urgence Violences Policieres app

*Turns out there are 8 police officers in town and they have jurisdiction over protests, curfews, mayoral protection, dangerous animals and traffic.

[emotionalsupportaudino]

So I started an actual blog???

I wanted to be able to put thoughts out into the word and Tumblr is my funtime space where I reblog shit and don't say anything, so you can find it here: https://battletoasters.wordpress.com/

However I do want to note that I want to say shit about my first posts because they were about the best bits of 2023, so if you're interested here's my best book, best movie and best album of 2023 I'll post them here!

But there was a LOT more in these posts, including why I love Another 2001, how Scott Pilgrim Takes Off shattered and surpassed all my expectations, and how Anne of Cleves from SIX is probably the hottest character I have ever seen in a musical lmao.

Best Book of 2023: Camp Damascus by Chuck Tingle

It arrived to my address on release day. And it sat next to my bed for several days, staring at me. It dared me to read it. I couldn’t. What if Straight was a fluke? What if this story rejected me? What if it told me I wasn’t enough–wasn’t queer enough, wasn’t neurodivergent enough, wasn’t traumatized enough by my history in a fundamentalist cult? Or worse, what if its horror was rooted in re-traumatizing folks who had already been through the cruelty of fundamentalist Christianity’s intolerance? What if Chuck Tingle didn’t get it? This story was so personal to me, as a queer kid who grew up drowning deep in conservativism, who came out of it realizing that I wasn’t neurotypical, and who had taken more than a decade to recover enough to not physically recoil from street proselytizing. I spent a week giving the book a wide berth. And then I picked it up. Within two pages, I had called my partner to read out passages. Within 20 pages, I had to put it down, not because I was scared, but because I was all but reading my own story. I had annotated this book to hell and back, each color tab representing something else. “Oh, I’ve felt this in my queer experience!” “Oh, this hits very close to home for my religious experience…” “Oh, damn, I didn’t know that about root beer.” One scene sticks with me, especially: Rose watching a commercial for the conversion camp, the titular Camp Damascus, and thinking about how cool it would be to go there. I was instantly teleported to being 14 years old and begging my parents to let me go on a retreat, because it would be so cool to get closer to god. In reality, it was a weekend of love bombing and berating, over and over, in turn. It was a weekend that broke my spirit, made me feel like I was the lowest form of life, and that I could only be loved if I was in the church. But I thought it was so cool back then. I wanted to scream at Rose, I wanted to tell her what it was really like, wanted to fight every adult in her life, wanted to shake her and tell her how dumb she was to think that. But more than anything, I wanted to hug her, and tell her she was worth so much more, because maybe if this fictional kid could understand that, I could reach back to my teenage self and save her from the hell she was about to go through.

Best Film of 2023: Spider-Man: Across the Spider-verse

Everyone has talked about this film to hell and back, but there are some things that I really want to talk about that I didn’t see getting discussed a lot. First and foremost? I would die for Pavitr Prabhakar. I get why Hobie is the fan favorite. Love that guy, too. But PAV. And it’s not just because he’s hilarious and charismatic. There is a line in the Mumbattan scene that I think about a lot. “I can do both.” Pav hits us with the point of the movie in a throwaway line. While everyone else in the film (short of Hobie and Miles) believes in the importance of canon events and that you can’t save everyone, Pav is like Miles. He believes he can do it all. He’s wrong–but not for the reasons that Miguel thinks. Pav is wrong because he can’t do it all. But when he works together with Miles, Hobie and Gwen, they can do both. They don’t have to suffer, they don’t have to sit back and let the bad things happen. Does Mumbattan grow unstable after? Yes. But Spot was right there messing with the tech. It’s not Miles or Pav’s fault. It would have happened even if he’d let Inspector Singh die. (By the way, as someone whose partner’s dad is almost impossible to read, the “I’ve never seen him so emotional” line ruins me every single time.)

Best Album of the Year: So Much (For) Stardust by Fall Out Boy

The way I JUMPED out of bed the day this album released is not even funny. And I messaged everyone I knew who was even kind of into Fall Out Boy that they made a real FOB album. It’s an album I can’t listen to with anyone else in my apartment because I am compelled to sing and dance to it. There is not a single song on this album that I will skip over. (Song specifically, I don’t count “The Pink Seashell”.) The album has some range, but it doesn’t feel like the last three. It feels like they remembered what they loved about pop punk. With that they reminded me of what I loved about pop punk. This was my #1 album on Spotify this year, and I don’t even feel slightly bad about that. For months my discord status was “The stars are the same as ever, I don’t have the guts to keep it together.” If you ever liked Fall Out Boy, please come back for So Much (For) Stardust. You will not regret it. Also this year FOB released an updated version of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” that encompasses literally my entire lifetime. That was a surreal experience to say the least.

I talk more about stuff, so if you want to read it check it out. Like and subscribe?? I guess??? lmao.

[delusional-mishaps]

Ask and you shall receive ... an ask. Anywho - who are the hunters? Why do they hint the vampires? Is it just an "ahhh scary monster that feeds on us specifically!" Thing or a "social standards dictate you are evil so im revoking your existence privileges. " or smth else like them actually being feral rats? I love social-moral (or whatever its called) lore

YEAS I LOVE YOU ANON/p YOURE SO!!!! SO!!!! idk what you are but i love you very much for asking!!!!

SO!! this is ofc a self insert au because everything i make is self insert now 🙄

sorry if it's scrambled a bit. a lit of this wasn't written down cuz. i was thinking a lot of it during work and therefore couldnt write it down so this is the first time words are getting out of my mind.

if you have any questions please feel free to ask!!!

long post!! so under the cut it goes :]

general world building:

the setting of the story kinda takes place in the past. well... no. it's modern-day, but technilogy hadn't really advanced too much. so it'd be like.. yknow, like when european folk actually believed and were scared of vampires. think maybe a few decades after dracula era (around early-mid 1800's). so ofc the world isn't too advanced yet. theres cars, trains, etc etc, but there certainly isnt the technology now.

im only saying that cuz im non binary and so is my sona (and pj is genderfluid) and i dont want the homophobia/transphobia from back then in my story LMAOOO

of course, that means religion plays a big role in the world. vampires/monsters/other supernatural beings are all considered unholy, or are believed to be created by the devil.

only humans can be vampire hunters, but anyone can be a vampire.

vampires are hunted because, when they had first appeared, they were killing and feeding on humans. they feed off of blood, ofc, and they needed to get it from somewhere, and humans were simply the tastiest option!

humans just sort of... continued killing them because they assumed they would continue feasting off of them, and it was out of fear. no one wanted to die via vampire, or be turned into one, so they'd kill them. vampires continue feasting on humans because if they're gonna be hunted anyway, why not eat good? they know humans won't believe them if they tried to deny eating humans, even if they were telling the trust. such is life.

also!! not only humans can be transformed!! monsters can also be transformed:) (like. the undertale monsters. yea.)

that's why i differentiate monsters vs supernaturals. the monsters are the silly guys from undertale/the aus and supernaturals are.. well.. the things you'd typically find in the show "supernatural" LMAO. vamps, werewolves, shifters, ghosts, demons, djinn, dragons, ghouls, etc.

info about my sona:

so that means... my sona is the vampire hunter! their whole family has been in the business for DECAAAADES. so it's sorta expected of them to also be a vampire hunter!

they're trained from a very young age, and thus are very proficient in many weapons (though, most commonly used vampire-hunting weapons are guns are knives. bullets and blades are all made out of silver that's then blessed by a priest on a full moon! (there's significance to that, but i'll put it in the hunter lore part of the post!!))

jet's specific signature weapon is a revolver! they use it the most, though they've also got a good few other weapons on them, as well. ofc, a few other guns, a few knives, and they even carry a crossbow with them! it's old school, but it gets the job done. another of their signature weapons is a dainty blade their father crafted for them after their first kill! it's infused with the vampire's blood, and even had a crystal made from it's dust!!

as their family has been in the vampire-hunting business for such a long time, they are well known, especially amongst other vampire-hunter groups and older generations of vampires. their great great great great great grandmother was one of the most famous hunters of her time, and her legacy is still shared among other hunter groups. she's the first hunter to have ever killed a vampire royalty :)

they collect the canine fangs from the vampires they kill. they wear them on a necklace and a few belts across their body :) it's a kill count for them, and shows vamps that they're pretty good at their job

vampire hunter lore:

SO. as mentioned above, vamp-killing weapons are produced via a special procedure. the blacksmiths will create the weapons (blades, bullets, even silver-tipped arrows) out of pure silver. the silver is purely because many other supernatural creatures/monsters die via silver, such as werewolves.

this is because silver is considered a "pure metal", and monsters are "impure", so it cleanses them.

these weapons are then blessed by a priest because, again, vampires are impure. they are considered devilish, and evil. having the blessing make the weapons "holy", giving them the purpose to remove the unholy in the name, and with the aid, of the divine.

the full moon only has significance because i think its cool but in the story's lore, it's because the first vampire king was killed on a full moon. it is believed to bless luck upon the wielder of the weapon.

vampire lore:

taking from the original vampireverse, i'm bringing in vampire royalty. and the current king is error :) and ofc his child paperjam!! the main star of the show!!! (aside from my sona ofc)

though, i'm leaving the names from the og behind. i do not care for fallacy and jasper or wtv (i literally only did research on the au earlier when i was storyboarding in my notes app LMFAOO. it was also just a quick glance through fandom wiki cuz i refused to touch rouge's blog HAHAHA) they're just error and paperjam. and everyone else has their regular names too. cuz im kinda lame but whatever

so anyway 😻 about the royal family....

royals are full-blooded vampires, this means they only have born-vampire blood in their family lineage. no human, nor transformed vampire. think pure-bloods from hairy potter i guess. same concept!

this ofc means they're harder to kill. they're more powerful, and they're often far older and more experienced. though... error did inherit the throne rather young, and pj himself is also quite young still, being only maybe a few hundred years old?

this is ofc due to error's father being killed by jet's ancestor. vampire kings have only been know. to die naturally (after a handful of centuries LMAOO) so he was put into power quite young. think the equivalent of a human aged 19 or so, when he'd typically inherit the throne in his late 30's.

now, on to the non-royals...

non-royal vampires can be of any blood status, though they're most commonly not pureblood. they'd be the half-bloods or the transformed (which is what mortals turned vampire are called)

AS this is a monarchy, they have a kingdom. it's actually really big, and it's amazing how none of the hunters have found it yet!!! except no it's not, because they've used magic to hide it :3. humans can only enter the kingdom with a vampire.

the royals live in a big castle at the centre of the kingdom, then the city spreads out. purebloods live closer to the centre, and teansformed live towards the outskirts.

despite this, vampires are a fairly close-knit species. there's only a bit of disconnect between transformed and non-transformed. but that's just cuz transformed are usually snobbish and bitter abt being turned vampire

all of their teeth are fangs and will puncture flesh, but their canines specifically are bigger. they're what sucks out the blood/magic :)

!!! vampires dont just feed on human blood!! the pureblood vamps and the monster vamps both need to feed on magic, as well. while they can get magic out of the blood of their victim, it's easier to just bite into the SOUL. that way, their body doesn't need to consume energy to try to diffuse the magic from the blood!

these vampires need magic because it's how they live. we all know monsters are made from dust and magic, so they need to keep magic going through their systems. as vampires are technically "dead", they cannot produce this magic themselves, and need to source it from somewhere else.

while this may be a horrifying fact, mortal humans and monsters are kept in "feeding houses", for emergencies. if a vamp couldn't feed for a while, they will use the captured mortals to get back to full health.

of course, these mortals usually taste like shit. victims that have never been fed on will taste the best. their blood is unspilled and still "pure". it's yet to be tainted.

now for the storybuilding!! this is info that i'd actually write in a fic if i ever get around to making one...

fic lore:

peej ran away from home because his dad is an ass and doesn't really care about him. he's all like "yeah i'll show YOU, asshole!"

he's also kinda tired of the whole humans vs vampires thing. he doesn't wanna have to rule in a world dominated by humans

so anyway when she (rember pj is genderfluid and uses all pronouns!!) runs away from home they run into the famous vampire hunter... jet!!

they fight and just as jet's about to kill her, she's like "man why's it gotta be this way. why can't we not kill each other?"

jet's like "um... this is literally my job? we hate each other? you kill us?"

pj's all like "well first of all ive never even killed a human so fuck you. second of all, we can change! pls let me go i wont kill you"

jet's distrustful but they don't kill him.

pj sticks with jet for a while. neither of them know why, and they get annoyed at each other a lot. jet continues to kill vamps, pj continues to feed on humans + monsters (but doesnt kill them). they both lowk hate the other, but they agreed not to kill each other so.

then there's like a cheesy scene where they have a heart-to-heart... SOUL-to-SOUL...? whatever. pj's all like "i hate being born into a vampire family. it's so rough. i never wanted this :("

then jet's like. oh. they empathize with peej cuz they were forced into the vampire hunting business because of their family. they never got a choice on what they wanted to do.

then they become friends! very slowly, and they still annoy the hell outta each other, but!! friends :)

then it's adventures together for a bit

and then!!! DRAMA!!!

error forces pj back to the vampire kingdom place. then he tries to convince pj that jet is bad.

"that little 'friend' you made is no good for you. you may trust them, but they're a vampire hunter. they kill us. you know that, paperjam."

"i know! but they're different. they don't even want to be a hunter. they wouldn't kill me."

"you foolish child. you think they're different? they had planned to kill you the whole time! they were just waiting for the perfect opportunity. you're a prince, for fuck's sake! they'd be even more famous for killing you!"

meanwhile jet doesn't know pj is a vamp prince. she never told them and it's not like they've been seen in the public before.

anyway, error eventually convinces pj using magic. pureblood vampires can basically beam images into your head. sometimes it's true and sometimes it's not. this ofc isn't the truth, but pj believes it is.

pj fully believes jet intended to betray them. they believe jet wanted to kill them the whole time and only pretended to be friends to get pj to lower their guard.

this lets error convince him to kill jet.

ofc pj is hurt so they decide to do it. obviously, since jet was so willing to kill her, she should have no problem killing them.

meanwhile jet's retired from vamp hunting. they're shunned and disowned by their family because of it, and now they're basically a wanted criminal because they're going against the Divine by not doing their born-duty to rid the world of the unholy filth.

it was bound to happen sooner or later, though. they were already a blacksheep of the family because as a child then weren't ecstatic about killing vamps. also theyre non binary. their family is kinda lowk homophobic nd will use the wrong pronouns in purpose.

anyway. pj locates them and tries to kill them. theyre all like "dude wtf!! we're friends?? i literally retired bcs of our friendship!"

except bcs they retired when pj was taken back to the vamp kingdkm, she didnt know jet retired! so theyre like "wait huh."

they talk it out and explain both sides of the story. jet's like "your father sounds like a bitch ass mf. i wanna beat him up (respectfully, tho. ur my best and only friend and i wont kill your father.)"

so anyway pj brings them to the vampire kingdom. they meet error

he gets really mad about it. he yells at pj.

"WHY DID YOU BRING A HUNTER HERE. THEYRE GONNA KILL US! THEYRE GINNA TELL ALL THE OTHER HUNTERS WHERE WE LIVE NOW >:("

"un excuse you. that's no way to talk to your child, also i retired. fuck you."

peej decides to show jet around :) mostly the catsle, but they also go into the city, too. he introduces them to a few vamps (probably mostly other sans aus LMAO) and theyre all like "um. thats a vamp hunter? one of the famous ones? you know their ancestor killed ur grandpa, right?"

no one else really likes them. but its okay cuz this story aint about them. die.

then yeah. that's all i got for a story so far :)

anyway yeah!! this is probably a lot, and there will probably be more maybe. but ty anon for asking. i love talking about my sona and aus that i make. and i love creating lore.

[borderline-gays-club]

It’s officially been over a year since I tried to get help for my BPD thru the medical system.

I tried to do an inpatient program that was 5 days a week for like 3 hours a day or something. And it took me like 4-5 months to even get in bc bitches weren’t picking up the phone or unresponsive. And after months of perseverance I finally got in and I was so excited to start.

But ofc it was a hot mess bc any mental care thru my insurance is hot garbage. Had I stayed longer I prob wudve been more fucked up tbh. I was only there for like 3 weeks max lol.

Like they literally wud treat u like ur a threat the moment u walk in. Also cold as hell. Clinical, not human to human. And straight up was like ya btw we work very closely with the police just so you know <3. Like just that comment Made me want to fight this bitch lmao. And one of the therapists literally said “that’s hot” when one of the patients disclosed with him that she thinks she’s a lesbian…like is this even real.

Ugh there was so much more fucked up shit (too much to write rn) but I left as soon as I realized how bad it was. And I thought oh Mayb I’m just giving up, Mayb it’s part of the process blah blah. But like there were too many concrete fuckery things going on I couldn’t stay.

That whole experience was so infuriatingly frustrating but honestly that was the last thing to finally seal in my head that this system cannot help me. I’ve tried so much in a decade and ultimately was only able to get help through alternative ways. Like my therapist doesn’t even take insurance and I hav to pay out of pocket but it’s worth it for sure.

So as awful as it all was I’m glad it happened bc now I kno for a FACT that this medical system is simply not here to help me and many many others. In fact they want us all dead.

Anyway I feel like this is why ppl w/BPD have such high suicide rates . Bc I kno compared to NPD or ASPD ppl w/BPD tend to actually seek help on their own. But the system is literally so hostile and there’s only so many tries in you especially when you’re already down.

But u kno what, I remember feeling so hopeless after that shit didn’t work out but over this past year I can confidently say that I’m better than ever. I still have years and years of work to do to ultimately get into remission but I feel hopeful. I think when all ur expectations just fully crumble, u have to be creative in order to move on after that initial shock. And finding ur own solutions can be empowering in its own ways.

And just to b clear I’m not promoting fixing urself alone without any help ever. But I’m more so saying that the medical system does not have the tools to support us and in fact they are actively harming us.

Mayb this is more of a warning rant. Everyone stay safe. Even tho it’s hard to trust ur own emotions and thoughts, find ways to vet ppl out that are mental health professionals. Bc there’s a lot of scummy bitches out there..

And in case anyone reading this is in nyc. DO NOT GO TO CITPD. HIGHLY DO NOT RECOMMEND!!!!

K that’s all folks lol nite

[futuremercifulnerd]

Im gonna try to read more this (but idk how to dot hat other than the old fashioned way)

Its negative talk lol and its long

I really try not to be a fuckin downer but i cant take all the things happening in the US right now, its literally so disgusting. I cried in front of my boyfriend when i heard about the AA ruling, because just like everything else these fuckwits are passing, its just the foot in the door. Its bad enough on its own but its going to get worse. Im willing to bet within 5-10 years that we are effectively segregated again and women cant work. DECADES of progress are being ripped away from us within months, its been only a year since the destruction of RvW. And i know if i just wasnt chronically online these feelings wouldnt be so bad but i cant do that, i need to be in the know of things, because these things are directly effecting me and my friends and family. Every fucking day it feels like it gets worse here. Im surrounded by maga conservatives who dont listen, theyre in my family and they wont even listen. Ive effectively cut off my mom AGAIN and she cant even get it through her head why her kids dont want to talk to her (hint hint its because youre a magat and wont shut up about it, on top of all the other horrible shit youve done). Im all for fighting to make a change and beating things into others heads about doing their part and voting, etc, but its so hard to feel like we can make a change when your own state is blatantly and actively trying to make it so you CANT do that, and that voting doesnt matter! (Pst! Hey, if you didn't know, Ohio is the most corrupt state in america 😉) Like how are we supposed to make effective change when almost the entire government is bought out by conservative billionaires trying to push us back into 1860. And dont even get me started on how all of this was just light speed exccellerated by the orange shitto getting into office and them realizing that "oh? We can just, do what we want and get away with it!" Literally the only saving grace are the truly blue states trying to actually be "progressive" (which is literally just the global standard of center lmao). Tbh i think ill be LUCKY if i live my entire lifetime and dont see us in ww3 as notsi germany 2.0, because thats exactly the direction it feels this country is going.

I know there are so many good things here and so many good things happening, but that doesnt stop the fact that all of these terrible things keep happening and that our own government is grinding us into dust. Literally trying to force us to be mothers, raise an entire generation of uneducated children for slave labor, on top of blatantly trying to segregate us again. Also we are absolutely due for an immense drop in birth rates, its literally not sustainable to just keep trying to double the population every fuckin year.

I cant wait for these fuckers to burn in hell, i dont believe in hell specifically but i do think people can rot for eternity in agony, and its exclusively for the 1% not doing a thing to help us common folk.