#lmao i fully realize this is a lot tm

[eye-may]

Do you have any Munkustrap headcanons mayhaps? The people would love to hear it if you do <3

I was waiting for someone to ask about Munkustrap!!! granted I would have yammered about him unprompted eventually anyway but YAY!

pls accept this speedy doodle of Munk having, what I imagine is one of very many, serious conversations (tm) with with his protegee Alonzo <3

"alonzo I told you the kittens could not watch terrifier 3. I say the things I say for a reason. now neither of us will be able to sleep for a week."

all kidding aside, yesss I have a LOT of thoughts about Munkustrap and how he and his story drive a lot of things that happen in my fanverse lol. I'll keep it relatively brief for now because if I don't moderate myself I'll end up writing 100k words worth of incomprehensible diatribe. somewhat abridged yammering beneath the cut!

edit: this mostly ended up being formatted in extensive elucidations on his relationships with other cats, with references to his backstory through that...which I hope isn't baffling lmao hopefully yall can make sense of it

✨Personality

My Munkustrap is pretty heavily based off of 98's Gruberstrap. That is to say, he's a very "warm" version of the character, a softer and more patient leader compared to some other interpretations where he errs on the side of strict and stringent.

Munk has a pretty troubled background (not unlike Tugger and Alonzo), but I place his symbolic age at around 30-35 so that he's still young and has things to learn and growing to do, but still old enough to have already matured and wizened up past a matrix of self-destructive idiosyncrasies he has dealt with in the past. He may not fully realize it, but he wasn't entirely dissimilar to Tugger in his adolescent days (at least, insofar as feeling governed by his emotions). The temporal distance from his early youth has enabled him to mellow out, think more clearly, and capitalize on his better attributes such as decisiveness, a good grasp on strategizing, and being empathetic and caring.

He is, of course, known to be a straight arrow...that is to say, very about rules and order, following traditions, establishing a hierarchy, having respect for authority and elders, etc. However, he is not immune to lightheartedness and joking around. He's a good, gentle playmate with the kittens on occasion. He lives for directing plays (although subversively he might take them a little too seriously sometimes lmao). He definitely lets a Dad Joke slip out every once in a while. He can read and write, and is pretty erudite about a handful of subjects that extend beyond life in the Junkyard. He's a pretty well-rounded chap!

He's not particularly spiritual or mystical, but has always been fascinated by the mysticism inherent in felinity, and has a unique connection to the concept of magic due to his connection with Old Deuteronomy. He's more naturally attuned to felinity in every corporeal sense, and has strong and thoroughly-developed opinions about the meaningfulness of Jelliclehood along with its history and customs.

He's gentlemanly and intelligent, courageous and dignified, so a pretty archetypal 'leader/hero' character. his faults are brought out by adversity with which he is not familiar...as someone who prefers adhering to precedent and keeping everything in order, he feels very challenged by untrodden territory. While he's good at thinking on his feet, he's also prone to overthinking after the action, and letting that repressed sentimental side from yesteryears cloud his approach. When he's feeling menaced by uncertainty, you'll see those cognitions buoy to the surface...overprotectiveness, stubbornness (sometimes he's bad at listening to suggestions!), over-intensity, and over-worry that he tries his darndest to conceal. He may periodically fall into lapses of "work-life imbalance," for turn of phrase (feels weird because we're talking about mystical dancing singing cats but you get it).

Perhaps his biggest fault is difficulty ceding control. There is no bigger control freak in the Junkyard, even though many would probably assume that the title goes to Jenny. Jenny is more ostentatious in her form of leadership, yes, but Munkustrap is far more immoderate when it comes to judging what he can feasibly handle. Bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders, after all, does not a healthy habitude make. Munkustrap's elders...namely Jennanydots and Old Deutoronomy...occasionally remind him of that.

He also perpetually Tired (but doesn't show it!) and, despite maintaining his veneer of cool-headedness, does in fact Have Anxiety lol.

🫂 Notes on Relationships

Tugger - They are half-brothers, and symbolically, there's about 10-15 years between them. So the age gap is significant, but Munkustrap isn't exactly old enough to be his father (try as he might to parent him in the frequent absence of Old Deutoronomy). Truly the Annoying Younger Brother Ever, Tugger gets on his nerves faster and more effectively than just about anybody in his life. Granted, their pasts respective of each other aren't the most conducive towards a harmonious, peaceful relationship, but the same circumstances are what make their bond so close and significant. If it weren't for Munkustrap extending the olive branch to a very misled young Tugger, the latter would have never been able to severe himself from Macavity. Meanwhile, Tugger's effects on Munkustrap are less literal and obvious but just as significant. He acts as a looser, more optimistically nihilistic buffer to Munk's razor-sharp edges, and frequently functions as a catalyst for Munkustrap to unearth a bevy of feelings and emotions he's long been in the habit of smothering. They frequently bicker and frustrate each other, yes, but they know how to work with one another when it counts, and they love each other very much.

-

Old Deuteronomy - Munk is one of a few examples of a child of Deuteronomy who was raised primarily by the latter; among cats, it's frankly more common for those born into colonies to have been "raised by the village." Munkustrap has always been very close to his father, has bottomless admiration for him, and abides by his platitudes unquestioningly. Deuteronomy recognized a unique fervor and emotional vulnerability in a young Munkustrap and allowed the latter to attach himself inextricably to him. it's because of this connection, and Munkustrap's unconditional adulation of his father, that Tugger has traduced him as being a rather ideal "little soldier."

After a huge fallout with Macavity (whole thing it's a WHOLE THING), Old Deuteronomy took Munkustrap and his other followers (including Skimble, Jenny, Jelly, Gus, and Asparagus) and splintered away from the colony, going onto to establish the Jellicle colony that inhabits the Junkyard, as seen in the actual musical. For a while, the group focused on rebuilding and recuperating, and succeeded harmoniously. but, after a while when the reconstructed colony was comfortably settled, Deuteronomy became more of an itinerant than Munkustrap had ever known him to be, coming and going patternlessly. Munkustrap knows that he can always attempt to reach out to Old Deutoronomy (there's a postal system cats use...again...whole other thing) in times of need (i.e., when Munkustrap learned about Tugger being in Macavity's possession) but at that point, Munkustrap became established as the de facto Secondary Leader and had to establish himself as capable and independent. He never outwardly questions what Deutoronomy is up to when he's away on his long sojourns to Who Knows Where...but he's never one to question his father. (Tugger, on the other hand...)

Macavity - Macavity is symbolically around five-ish years older than Munkustrap. Closer in age than Tugger and Munk, but the gap is still significant. Munkustrap was born into the same colony as Macavity, and the two did share a portion of their respective childhoods together; Munkustrap being, of course, rather worshipful of Macavity as a kitten. Macavity, for his part, engaged with Munkustrap, and the latter retains fond memories of their interactions...but he also remembers how, with the clarity of hindsight, Macavity seemed to "troubled" back then. He was a bit moody, but that's not wholly unusual for an adolescent cat! More uniquely, he seemed oddly attune to the Jellicle Moon...an evidently Mystical characteristic. He often sought solitude and was reclusive, cagey, secretive, and was obsessed with his developing his mysticism and harvesting magic of Deuteronomy's ilk.

Ultimately, Macavity attempted to persuade Munkustrap to join him in a staged rebellion against Old Deuteronomy; but, even at such a tender age, Munk knew better than to be cajoled, and ultimately sided with his father. He tried in earnest to talk Macavity out of his pursuit of power, but of course...it was fruitless. And the ramifications were abominable. Ultimately, Macavity attempted something of a mutiny that resulted in the deaths of Munkustrap's mother, his two littermates, and the injury or loss of many of his friends and cats he considered to be family. To this day, Munkustrap blames himself for knowing of Macavity's designs, but underestimating him and failing to prevent the disaster. He vowed to never allow such calamity to befall his loved ones again, which manifests in the fiercely protective persona for which he's known. Whatever love existed between the two brothers has been seemingly lost to time; Munkustrap has grown past his bitterness, anger, and desire for retribution...but what's left in the wake are sadness, regret, and wariness.

-

Mistoffelees - The youngest of the protag trifecta of Munkustrap/Tugger/Mistoffelees (for purposes of not getting lost in the sauce, they are, in my mind, the Kirk/Spock/Bones so to speak), Mistoffelees is something of a little brother/son/protegee ??? person??? to Munkustrap. Their relationship is a little hard to compartmentalize, but it's warm and familial all the same. Munkustrap sort of supplies to Mistoffelees what Deuteronomy was to Munkustrap. The magical cat, of course, is far from the first youngun to ever stumble into Jellicle territory in need of reprieve, but usually raising the new arrivals is a village effort. And it still was for Mistoffelees, but Munkustrap zeroed in on him in particular for two major reasons: his inexpendably cathartic effect on Tugger, and the whole Being Magical. Munkustrap remembered, of course, the quixotic fascination his older brother had with magic and the legends surrounding it, and his own proclivities towards harvesting and using it, but Munk was not prejudicial towards Mistoffelees because of that. He knew from the onset that Mistoffelees and Macavity are incomparable, and wanted to make sure that Mistoffelees would never lose touch with the goodness at his core. He also wanted to solidify that Mistoffelees would not be treated differently because of his abilities, but would get to enjoy a normal and secure upbringing. Also...he intuited immediately that it was important for Macavity to Not Find Out about this inexplicably magical cat. (Magical Cats aren't exactly unheard of but they're really not...supposed to be able to exist anymore lmao)

In return for Munkustrap's warmth and extensions of care and friendship, Mistoffelees has always been eager to be helpful and useful, and often functions as a "right-hand man" for the Jellicle Protector in many of the banalities of life in the Junkyard. Despite his aloofness and eccentricities, Mistoffelees has always sought to please and prove himself to Munkustrap, despite the fact Munkustrap has always had confidence in him and never required proof or reassurance that the conjurer was someone he could trust and rely on. hhhhh idk their relationship is cute to me!!! they're cute!!!!

-

Alonzo - Alonzo and Munkustrap have a lot in common...like Munkustrap, Alonzo's early youth was peppered by loss and grief, disasters outside the scope of his control for which he still blames himself. Also like Munkustrap, it is because of these developments that Alonzo has sworn himself to be a protector for all those he holds dear. But, unlike Munkustrap, Alonzo is heavily saddled with endless self-doubt, self-flagellation, and fear. He's around Tugger's age, and Munkustrap recognizes how much learning and growing he needs to do, but also recognizes the drive and intensity propelling him towards becoming either a mess of self-destruction, or a rocksteady protector and friend on whom others can rely. Munkustrap instinctively took Alonzo under his wing, becoming his unofficial mentor, and is pretty much the only cat toward whom Alonzo is open and affectionate. The latter often goes to Munkustrap in times of doubt and fear, but also focuses on impressing and emulating the Jellicle Protector in any way he can. When it comes to being backed up during an altercation, or any matters concerning the security and safety of the colony, Munkustrap knows he can rely on Alonzo above anybody else to back him up. The two are very brotherly and familial with one another, and together make a duo that I, personally, would not fuck with.

Also, importantly, Alonzo supplies a sort of catharsis for Munkustrap as well. While the Protector may not realize it, being able to guide and mentor Alonzo functions as something like reparation for his own past failures; now he's able to pass on the lessons he's learned so that Alonzo won't make the same mistakes he made, and Alonzo being his protegee reassures him that he's capable of positively influence those who are in his care. (which he doesn't often conscientiously doubt, but losing his family instills fear in the back of his head that he'll fuck up in any way with his new family, a fear that's usually surfaced in conjunction with Tugger)

Jenny - She is a surrogate mother figure to Munkustrap, and one of the only cats to whom he yields his absolution of authority in the absence of Deuteronomy. (not unlike the way Kirk often has to cede to McCoy...two star trek references in one post about cats??) He's known her his entire life, and she has always been a source of comfort and guidance towards him that is similar, yet still different, in comparison to Deuteronomy. I like to think Jenny is one of the few cats that Munkustrap would ever go to for advice or consolation, and also one of the few cats who will openly question his approaches or point out his shortcomings. (it comes from a place of love!) Munkustrap also just thinks she's hilarious. A heavily burdened cat like him needs the unique combination of comfort and levity that a cat like Jennyanydots can provide! together they have a lovely rapport <3

-

(here comes the somewhat controversial takes pfffttt. you can flame me if you want idc it's the internet and I know what I signed up for lmao but if you are a demestrap purist who may become emotionally compromised by the suggestion that a romantic connection between the two is Not A Given, feel free to skip this part)

Demeter - listen. I know you're wondering but I'm going to keep it short for now okay. suffice it to say, they have a bit of a back-and-forth, so to speak, mostly stemming from Demeter trying to navigate the residual damage of her troubled past (and.....present) but. my version of Munkustrap is on the aroace spectrum (hides) and so instinctively doesn't move in on Demeter out of an impulse to "rescue" or "fix" her. And for her part, whenever she does indicate an interest in anybody, it's not like she's driven by a long-sufferer's Need For True Love. And even if it were, I'd lampshade that as Not A Good Basis For A Relationship. like idk it's a complicated thing, but regardless, I think she's a fascinating character on her own, far outside the realm of her sensuality and her relationships with the male characters lol.

So continuing, Munkustrap doesn't overstep the fact that she's an adult who can make her own decisions, and also he can see with his own eyeballs that she errs on the side of indecisive regarding her estimation of Macavity, and morality in general, and his mind is not clouded with "I Am A Straight Man In The Presence Of A Beautiful Woman" so as to persuade him to, for some reason, insist that she's not capable of making poor decisions, and trust her judgment above anybody else's in a comparable situation. He, of course, would like to help her, within reason, like he would like to help any cat who expresses interest in being a part of the colony and embracing the mores of Jelliclehood. And he is, of course, kind and helpful towards her because that's the kind of cat he is. and it has nothing to do with an urge to romance her. 😬 or protect her with anomalous fervency because She's Just A Girl (honestly idc about any implications regarding gender roles that have wormed their ways into various versions of CATS bc these are CATS and they lack culturally gendered expectations/roles and also they lack secondary sex characteristics)

because Demeter is rather flighty and cagey, and Munkustrap is a Busy Bee, it takes a while for the two of them to even really become friends, and when they do, there are still some ups and downs granted by a bevy of contrasting opinions/idiosyncrasies endemic to the respective characters. Once he gets to actually know her, Munkustrap does believe in Demeter and encourages her to make progress, but he doesn't hover over her or fuss over her more than he does any other of his adult friends lmao. in the few instances that she behaves in a sensual manner towards him, he's like...ig open to it, but again, he's on the aroace spectrum and navigates those kind of connections within that realm, which To Me means that, in his case, he's never governed by romantic, sensual, or sexual impulses/attractions. bc listen. I just love a male hero who is not ultimately fulfilled by A Woman's Love and Having Children (those things are great for some people!!! pls don't think I am suggesting otherwise lmaooooo)

if it seems like these past few paragraphs have a defensive tone...it may be because I operate in anticipation of being condemned by passionate shippers (and also I too am on the aroace spectrum and thats not for nothing lol) but like I said it's the internet and ik what I signed up for. I have nothing against believers in demestrap. not to mention that yk, hal.........it's about cats.

anyway!!!! Munkustrap has a meaningful relationship with everyone at the Junkyard, but I'm gonna stop here for now lol. I could write a passage for every possible combination of every possible pairing of cats but I have already gone beyond the scope I originally imagined pfft. I hope this gives an adequate enough glimpse into how I construe him and his personality and a little bit of his backstory. sorry if's confusing af, or if I focused too much on other cats. also I alluded to a few things that I'm not even sure I've expanded on before. but if you made it through this whole thing and if you care at all about my fanverse pls don't hesitate to ask for expansion or clarification on anything

ty for the ask!! <3

[kuroo-hitsuji]

This is a prompt to talk about Lucifer and Satan purring (!!!!!) and body types??

Woo thank you !!

Starting with body types bc i think it will be shorter than the purring (i have. Many thoughts about the purring lmao). They're admittedly not drastically different from the models, I'm constantly at war with my brain between Canon Compliance and creative liberties ahzhsjxh but its a lot of smaller details, i hope its not disappointing at all orz

Lucifer - ironically his body type is the most difficult one for me to describe shdhhd he's just kind of a Fit Guy tm. Like he's got decently defined muscles and the slight dorito shape from his shoudlers/chest to his waist that you expect from anime men lmao. But he's not shredded, no washboard abs or anything (but relatively toned still, could be a six-pack if he's deliberately flexing lmao), the most defined muscles are in his arms and chest, primarily. Also he's got long-ass legs, idk why he is just ⅔ leg and i cannot unsee it

Satan - lean muscle and pretty boxy, the shoulder to waist to hip ratio isn't all that drastic, not a lot of chest muscle and again lean but not shredded ab region (using the flexing concept again I'd put him at a 4 pack lol) but also more visibly defined than Lucifer's at rest as well due to a slightly lower fat percentage. Also he has like no ass and I'll die on this hill (the first obey me post i ever saw was someone calling him out for having a flat ass in a chat picture and it has stuck with me the entire 4 years 💀 not slander btw we support all booties here). He's just very square/rectangle coded in my mind for inexplicable reasons

Demons purring is a headcanon I'm constantly dying to talk about Thank You 🙏 i hope these are actually like afjsjg decently coherent, they got long (as expected but still)

Lucifer - witnessing him purr at all is Exceptional rare (hearing it is even less common) for a combination of reasons that mostly boil down to his general commitment to his reputation and him being reluctant to show vulnerability at most times (and in this specific case its exacerbated by the fact that he was not Always a demon and the ability to purr in the first place is relatively foreign to him). He's put in the work to keep a handle on it as much as he can, and to keep it silent when he can't (control, control, control), and outside of him practicing that alone the most common instances of it happening have been when he's with MC, or when he's Very drunk and in good/safe company (diavolo, primarily. Lucifer is still hesitant to fully drop his facade with him, but it's been slowly melting away over the centuries. Diavolo does his absolute best not to call attention to the purring in the very rare instance that he even notices it occurring, but it is an absolutely herculean feat for him lmao). Generally the only time it's at all audible is with MC, in those rare perfect moments that let him feel safe and cozy enough to fully relax, often with the help of cuddling and petting his hair, wings, or the base of his horns. Even then it's quiet, a low, deep rumble somewhere between what you'd expect from a panther or other big cat (if they were actually able to purr) and the kind of sound a small tremor of an earthquake makes, where you might not realize you're even hearing anything at first but you can Feel your eardrums vibrating anyways.

Satan - also purrs very infrequently, for a few similar reasons but also wildly different ones. He's more accustomed to it as a general ability, having never had a body that was unable to purr in the first place, but he's still not incredibly familiar with it for a while. He did it instinctively as a self-soothing method at first, back when he was still out of control and would get locked in his room for the safety of himself and others, doing it less the more he gets a hold on his wrath, associating it with the consequences of a loss of control rather than positive emotions. It's not until he becomes attached to and knowledgeable about cats that he starts seeing it in a different light, eventually allowing himself to give into the urge to purr occasionally without feeling bad about it, but with this a different problem arises: having something so in common with cats has him almost too giddy, to the extent that when he starts purring he struggles to stop, so he still represses it most of the time. He purrs most often completely alone in his room where there will be minimal consequences to him getting stuck in a happy-stim feedback loop for an hour or two if it does happen, and he's still a bit embarrassed about the idea of this happening in front of MC for a good while, but not totally against it.

His purr tends to be a bit stilted and not particularly deep in pitch, waves of it more clearly following his breathing. It's not loud but its not really quiet either, and he's never really been successful at trying to control anything about it other than completely suppressing it, adding to the list of reasons he can't do it stealthily in day to day life as some other demons might be able to (purring loudly in public is seen as vaguely inappropriate, not really in a big way but kind of the same vibes as crying in public in most human settings. You won't get in trouble or anything but its one of those things most people feel more comfortable with keeping private).

I think I covered everything but if not I'll probably end up adding anything I couldve missed whenever i actually remember it lol

Thanks again for the chance to infodump :)

[rontra]

Do the chess moves translate into your OCs’ world btw. Are they normal humans or made in some kinda substance. Do Kaitlin and Erin ever interact and if so what’s the situation there

YAYYY MORE OC QUESTIONS TEEHEE thank u! letssee... oh god it's another long post 😭😂

chess moves NOT SO MUCH because in the setup we've got here its really hard to incorporate something like that beyond like. the vaguest gestures hahaha maybe if the magic system was more tangible and active we could play with stuff like that, but as the setting is right now there's not that much to work with in-depth. much as i might dream

(like you can give the rook a bow and say its because it attacks in a straight line from far away but beyond that its like...well... MDSJHBBG)

they are normal humans made of normal human stuff, much as they might wish otherwise at times. the magic in their world governs the structure and laws of reality and doles out punishments when said laws are breached. it's not really a magic Powers system as much as it's a magic Penalty system. this means that almost everyone (with a few exceptions) is just like a normal human being with no special powers or attributes, but the world itself will retaliate by magic if its tenets are breached. basically it's a nightmare and everybody hates it

(the main exception is people from outside this reality, like kaitlin and aster, who sit somewhere in the middle: right above ordinary humans, but very far beneath the Unseen Structure(tm) that holds the world together. they are subject to the same retaliatory destruction as everybody else, but they often have some degree of supernatural commanding force that beings belonging to this world find difficult to resist. ethical implications are Very Dire and basically aster wants kaitlin to use that power in her final duel so that the guy she's killing won't be able to defend himself. kaitlin uh does not want to do that to be honest with you!)

👆 this all is kind of important for your last question. when kaitlin first shows up in this world she's actually in alabaster, where erin is queen. so she's delivered to erin after some hijinks and they meet very early on in the story. their backstories and general personality inclinations have some pretty serious comparison points actually, but this isn't something they realize until wayyyy later (if at all)--they have a lot in common to compare and contrast. tbh they're foils but what else is new am i right. anyway;

erin is the first person kaitlin uses her command powers on, by accident, and they both hate it and it sucks very badly. kaitlin presses her to answer a question and erin has to obey and they're both understandably very freaked out by the whole thing. this direct confrontation with kaitlin's power is part of why erin is immediately like. "Oh It's OVER Over". it was erin's first time being directly exposed to this kind of magic--but she immediately felt how strong it was and understood what aster is planning to use it for (total crush victory)

erin and kaitlin do not really ... like each other very much after this and remain very wary of each other (kaitlin is very intimidated by erin but also feels guilty for what she did to her, erin sees her as a representation of aster's win/their upcoming confrontation + obviously does not feel great about having her free will messed with even if it was accidental). kaitlin is very timid and can't fully conceptualize how deeply uneasy she makes erin after their first meeting, because in her mind erin is very strong and unreadable and scary 😭 which is very fun to me personally

for a long time after that whenever they're forced to interact, erin defaults to treating kaitlin very like. detached, perfunctory, polite but not Friendly. and kaitlin is scared of her. LMAO

however they both have close ties with aster and aren't truly "enemies" either, especially as kaitlin starts to get her feet under her and push back against the less savory parts of aster's schemes. it's very obvious that erin never believed kaitlin would be anything more than aster's pawn, so when kaitlin finds her own opinions and starts rejecting things she doesn't like, it's kind of a change in her relationship with erin too. they start actually trusting each other as allies and people yknow. the "these assholes keep saving each other via ruining each others lives" cycle does absolutely include kaitlin rekindling erin's hope that things can be different (after first ruining her life w/ the IT'S OVER!! day). love world 🫶

also once theyre more comfortable with each other its very funny that aster's wife and gf(?) are hanging out talking shit about her 😭the relationships chart in this story is so.......................

[lumenflowered]

//did you actually play through one of the johto games as maria for this?

//if so, do you have any screenshots you could share on main?

OOC: I did! still am, as a matter of fact! I'm currently playing through refined gold, a romhack of heartgold which supposedly did not change much beyond allowing some pokemon (horsea, murkrow) to be acquired sooner but also I didn't read the documentation as closely as I should have and only discovered that it buffed major story trainers (gym leaders, silver, team rocket, pokemon league) once I got to falkner and he had a hoothoot.

I'm a bit of a pokemon veteran, or at least I'd like to think so... so a "minimal buffs" romhack was honestly a reasonable amount of challenge. I miss not having to deal with hms though. and tms being reusable. and the party-wide exp share. do you realize how much time I spent grinding in victory road and lance STILL clapped my ass.

anyway, let's see what I can dig up...

(putting this below a cut because I dug up a lot of screenshots)

most recent screenshot: that fucking gyarados was the bane of my existence because I don't have any electric-type moves and SOMEONE had the bright idea to give it DRAGON DANCE. which it used. four times.

a choice scarf is not enough to outspeed a 4x dragon dance gyarados. in-character, maria won by the skin of her teeth. out of character, oh goD that took me like three tries because of the dragon dance incident. more like two because I got some really terrible rng on the second try and went "fuck this" like ten seconds in, but still.

anyway I unfortunately did not think to get a screenshot of the hall of fame and I am not fighting lance again specifically for that screenshot, sorry guys, I'm not fucking with that gyarados aGAIN

sassy lost child when did you play ace attorney. (I was. NOT PREPARED for the silver fight. it took me four solid tries to beat him. which was part of my motivation for going "y'know what he can have this win in the blog canon.")

(honestly, if I had too much trouble with lance, I was fully prepared to yeet maria into kanto some other way. but he was beatable. evelyn carried the hell out of that fight. and she is still just a seadra ingame, though I do have a king scale ingame, she'll evolve eventually.)

look how fucking Shaped the honchkrow sprite is, btw. peak birb.

one of these options is really not like the others

[ade voice] call an ambulance... BUT NOT FOR ME

(she was faster)

the team! from back in the ice path I think?

I did, out of character, spend like a week playing voltorb flip to get an ice beam tm for evelyn. saw some REALLY weird rows such as this one with 5 voltorbs and no points, and several rows with a lot of points and no voltorbs. I think the highest I got was like... level 7/8. once. (technically could have cheated using savestates and gotten through it much faster but I feel like maria would be disappointed in me for that one.)

one of the team rocket admins had a really weird smeargle the message I sent this screenshot with was "what the fuck is this smeargle on" and I stand by that tbh

thanks reina.

the power of FLUFFY BOYS compels thee

I spent a bunch of time in the pokeathlon to get a fire stone for molotov (since I couldn't find it in the kimono girls' closet ingame) and. y'all may not know this. but the pokeathlon SUCKS ASS to play on an emulator. in-character I think maria would be best at the skill course due to her bloodborne weapon scaling REALLY WELL with a stat called skill. out of character that was the worst one to do on an emulator by far, I eventually managed to eke out enough victories on the jump course to get that fire stone and I don't plan on going back.

I have a lot of screenshots of Ade at low (but not 0!) hp.

see I remembered this happening but I forgot how you literally just WALK IN THERE AND HE HYPER BEAMS A GUY. (the guy's... maybe not fine but like. he's alive enough to complain about it afterwards. he's fine lance didn't commit a murder.)

lol. lmao even.

the funny thing is that she would have believed him if rotomblr hadn't spilled the beans on "yeah that's a wholeass champion"

this is the Rat, my hm slave.

because I have played bloodborne (kind of currently playing it? don't have access to it most of the time but I'll be able to continue my save in march) and gotten the dialogue of particular characters you meet early on, I feel no guilt in dubbing the rat "gehrman." he is permanently level 20 because that is evolution level and rattata can't learn strength but raticate can.

(youngster joey's rat later got named gehrman because 1) I thought it would be hilarious 2) a bit of a nod to the rat that I wouldn't be able to beat the game without, because hms suck and I hate them.)

live footage of evelyn sweeping the ENTIRETY of jasmine's team on take two of that gym. she's terrifying I love her <3

one of the QOL things that this particular romhack does is allow trade evos to evolve through different requirements. haunter's, for example, is learning shadow ball. which it does naturally at level 36.

I did not realize this until after I used the morty tm. on my gastly.

ade really wanted to evolve twice in one day. I have never b-buttoned a pokemon quite so much before in my life. (also yes I could have grabbed an everstone from professor elm but by the time I thought of that I was midway through the radio tower and could not be assed to go get that yet.)

behold, the Rat. I was fully intending to leave him at level 4 forever before I discovered rattata can't learn strength.

(also, I find it deeply amusing that furret can learn surf.)

one (1) fear: WHITNEY'S MILTANK.

it had a lum berry. and attract. and milk drink. for gameplay purposes, rakuyo is a guy, and at that point I only had rakuyo, hunter, and molotov. so that miltank was. a Nightmare.

youngster joey is the SINGLE opposing trainer who maria actually gave her number to, because I thought it would be funny.

she is less annoyed than I am by his constant calls about the top percentage rat.

baby hunter!

...god I don't think there was a single gym in this romhack where it wasn't at least a little down to the wire. olivine excluded, but that's specifically because jasmine kicked my entire ass the first time around and I trained a bunch more for the second one.

baby rakuyo! they've come so far <3

anyway that's. all the screenshots I can dig up that are fun. hi yes I have so many thoughts about this. come closer. :P

[nerice]

elden ring sote bingo let's fucking GO!!

dawn of the final 24 hours before my life gets eaten. details under th cut >>

the eclipse

what the fuck were they doing at castle sol what was the point !! "the sun has not been swallowed your companion remains soulless" how was this supposed to connect to/help resurrect godwyn. may we find out when it happens!!

scythe fixes

my partner contributed this one it seems 2 be a vry specific gripe towards scythe builds that i do not understand bc i run my game with two toothpick daggers and refuse to upgrade vigor lmao

death swamp

i think it wld be funny. do it miyazaki

malenia's severed arm/oath ring

WHAT IF WE. FOUND IT >:) no idea why it'd be in the realm of shadow but i wanna pick up specifically the oath ring fr item description lore juice so bad :3

messmer blasphemy arsenal

why is he running around talking abt those unworthy of gold when he's fully stacked w/ anti erdtree insignia!! battle trophies? just to flex? let us know!!

butterfly trio

fringe theory that i don't subscribe to that the trio statue in the haligtree is *not* prodigy twins + godwyn but instead twins + messmer, on account of cape & the fact that they all get butterfly items (nascent for miquella, aeonian for malenia, and smoldering for - presumably - messmer bc of his fire theming) don't rly care for it but am curious abt the butterfly symbolism nd if it will show up

lake of rot expansion

THIS HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME SINCE I FOUND IT. why is that upper portion there, completely inaccesible, with the other end suspiciously faded out!!!! no other part of the giant ass world map has smth like this LET US GO THERE!! blue dancer portal i believe in u

marika's dad

that guy in the painting. who's a talking corpse pulling a sword out of his fucked up body later in the trailer, LOREDROP US

age of rot

easy. malenia resurrection phase three full ending truther. yes i realize this wld be the worst possible fate for her i love dying and despair

sleep swamp

we kind of saw it in the trailer. might not be an actual inflicting-the-effect soup location but again i think it'd be funny!!

godwyn's resurrection (mermaid boss)

with or without connection to whatever the eclipse is. there's no way they're not gonna use that huge disgusting model of him from the deeproot depths 2 fuck us up. miquella can save him but he cannot save him tm :)!

messmer destined death user

every possible evil flame theory under the sun has been floated for him nd which shade of fire it is he's actually wielding. i think he's camp destined death for juice nd (possible) melina connection

gloam-eyed queen is marika's sibling/twin

my fav little pet theory!! assuming the guy in the painting is marika's dad and assuming (spicily) that the woman in the painting isn't actually her but another numen / empyrean / possibly sibling / most likely 2 be the gloam eyed queen aka whoever marika has slain at the beginning of the sote story trailer when she claims godhood. i just think this game loves sibling beef too much 2 not go there. conversely i don't think melina is the gloam-eyed queen but i do think there's a connection/possible inheritance avenue w.

malenia death consequences

THE ONLY THING I REALLY CARE ABT FOR THIS DLC it cannot be a 10/10 without this, indulge meeeeee pwease she's a fkcin optional boss and the entire reason for miquella's quest. it has to matter COME ON !!!! idc if it's a lot to code and account for u built this house

melina/messmer siblings

melina is the odd one out whose parentage is so far unconfirmed. nd there are no only children in this game. so w/ the addition of messmer > obv conclusion that might still be fully off lol

miquella anti-griffith path

yes ive seen the theories. yes ive read berserk. yes it makes sense and the parallels are off the charts. when i first found the bewitching branch nd the lore bits abt miquella/st trina i also sent my partner a long essay abt the parallels. miquella the beloved defender of the weak, (+ there is LITERALLY AN ECLIPSE HE TRIED TO CAUSE) however all the "miquella is evil" theories are supremely boring sorry. playing it straight wld be such a waste. u meet miquella nd he turns out to be a mastermind manipulator who used dream control and charm and even malenia was tricked etc etc IT'S BORING gtfo

boss w/ 3rd phase

haven't had that yet. bonus points if i get my resurrected malenia insect body horror for this (wldnt even count bc it's not a consequtive phase) but a girl can dream uwu

final boss fight @ the vagina tree roots

sorry for the uninitiated. but yeah this wld be a dope final boss location and either way i wanna go there!!!!! give us pussy

outer god of sleep

this shot in the story trailer. "abandoning his fate" can be interpreted either way, abandoning (unalloyed) gold for existence as st trina OR WHAT I'M PUSHING. him even abandoning his fate as empyrean i.e. godhood since power in this game always comes at the price of outer gods whispering in ur ear nd i want!! an outer god of sleep !! to have been that for miquella. sleep was his destined path like rot was for malenia, and he wants no part of it >:3

torrent's origins

this is a filler square u_u but also i'm genuinely curious if we will get more lore abt him. it's confirmed miquella was riding torrent when he set out, and the torrent we have now is a spectral steed, first seen with melina and then gifted to us by ranni in disguise so like. how do we get from a to b to c d e f here chat !!!!

blue dancer lore

ANOTHER 10/10 REQUIREMENT. ive made my case and it's a strong one. ik all of the malenia content wishes are copium at best but getting vicarious lore on this one is extremely feasible imo

age of unalloyed gold

there's no way we aren't getting a miquella themed ending right. riiiight??

full melina lore

TRULY THE MOST ENIGMATIC CHARACTER there's a billion theories (geq being the strongest one) i don't even care what her specific lore details are gonna be but it'll be so interesting if any of it gets elaborated on !!

all new npcs fucking die

they're such a merry band in the story trailer :) wld be a shame if something happened to them :))))))))

[wheelercore]

First, before getting to my point, let me bitch: the Creel attic is giving me a headache. Ive noticed a mirror in the trailer and I'm prettyyyy sure it's also in the show when Victor goes up there

but the placement of the Things just aren't the same. Like I'm pretty sure the baby carriage (if it's even the same one because it looks kind of different... Or unless there's two??) was moved, the wheelchair in the show has a chest behind it unlike in the trailer, and the clothes hanger had clothes on it in the trailer (?) but not in the show. Also the windows behind the clock in the trailer just disappears 🌈 in the show lmao.

I mean if I'm going to be super insane about this for a moment it seems to me from Victors movements in the show he enters from the far left and checks out the bedframes, wedding dress, and carriage first.

He sees the piano next, turns towards the other side of the room and checks out the wheelchair for a bit. Turns fully around so his back would be towards the POV of this trailer shot. See what I mean? (Possible mirror in the background circled)

The production crew is not making this easy for me 💪

Regardless, the mirror seems to actually be in the same place it should be (at least in the similar place) which is an Interesting choice because it's facing Victor as the spider eclipses his form in the fore ground of the last shot as he monologues about a demon.

Which made me realize this isn't the only time Victor is associated with reflections and spiders. Again, the bathtub scene where he saw his reflection in the water where the spiders were.

I know a lot of people think it's a reflection of Virginia, and that's a valid interpretation, I'm just putting this out there as a thought. Virginia does already get her own much more explicit "reflection" when she runs down the stairs past the mirror on the mantleplace (which honestly reminds me of the scene in The Shining when Wendy sees the ghost fellatio (tm) after walking up the stairs and proceeds to scream and run away like Virginia did when she saw the spiders).

It's only after this scene that Victor sees his first hallucination of a baby burning. And there is an eye for an eye aspect of what happened to him: he killed a family, including an infant, during the war so his own family was taken away from him.

But his association with spiders doesn't really make much sense to me because Victor himself doesn't fit the descriptor of "a predator" unless the argument is that as being a war criminal he fits that description. Which ST tends to be very flexible with the criteria of "preying on the weak". I'd argue the reason why Angela's rink o mania outfit was paralleled to Karens cheating outfits is because both are technically participating in predatory behaviors. Karen is pursuing sex with a teenager and Angela is tormenting an autistic coded girl for being "different".

They do this also with naming the basketball team turned mob "the tigers". Tigers are predators, and Jason is a predator "preying on the weak" by scapegoating someone lower on the social hierarchy than he is. The "freaks".

And an infant definitely fits the term "weak" and an innocent civilian family compared to an armed soldier also does too. Hence why Victor gets his "punishment" in the form of being framed for the killing of his family.

(which again just begs more questions because the only reason Victor wakes up from his vision is because of an "angel", Henry quickly skips over this part of his retelling just stating that he passed out from over exertion and that he "planned" to have his father framed when that simply does not add up with what Victor said himself happened).

But also I hate talking about Victor like this because he's my skrugly blorbo 😔👍

To me, at least, this fits an interesting trend. Not to bring Rosemary's Baby into this again BUT the repeated dynamic of the father who pretends to be what he's not- the mother who married him without knowing who he really is- the son who is rejected by his mother as a result. Which is the criticism of the cultural enforcement of the nuclear family, women don't have any choice to but to marry, men also have to charm a woman into marrying them, and as a result you can end up with children trapped in an abusive environment with an abuser and an abuse enabler- or at least just a less extreme unhealthy environment.

We see this over and over again whether the trend plays out or it's bucked. Joyce bucked the trend by being supportive of her sons regardless of her hardships as a single mother and Lonnie being a POS (Joyce axes the rose wallpaper standing in between her and Will, Lonnie repairs it). In fact she kicks Lonnie out when he insists on letting Will go.

In fact could the rose door be a parallel to the Byers rose wall? And Lonnie's repair of the wall be parallels to the wooden planks on Chrissy's and Nancy's vecna vision?

Billy's mom (represented with a red rose on her shirt btw) didn't protect him by abandoning him to his father.

Karen bucks the trend by refuses to let Mike go by the end of s4. Ted noticibly in s1 tells her to "let him go" and even in a comic I believe there is a? Similar line? At Mike's birthday he tells Karen she has to let Mike go "sometime" because he's 10? So like twice now it's repeated? For a reason? Eyes the rose urn forever nana wheeler I will find you.

But also the Wheelers are not really representation of an abuser-abuser enabler dynamic I just think both Karen and Ted could just be more emotionally supportive of Mike.

Virginia attempts to abandon Henry to Brenner, who does eventually become a sort of father figure to him. Virginia's "reflection" moment is her seeing the spiders (ie predator) and screaming and running away, being reflected on front of the rose wallpaper on the way down the stairs to hugging Victor- who is arguably being representing by spiders but not because he's harmed Henry but because he's. You know. A war criminal lol.

This post is going no where but obligatory rosegate canon statement because I literally cannot conceive why things in the Creel attic would be repeated in the Wheeler home with the added theme of Shitty Nuclear Family Cycles inspired by The Shining. Anyways see you in first shadow dick wheeler if you're not there I'm going to be very upset 💔

[buffyspeak]

forgot to say this earlier but izzy was v cute on her date with charlie <3 like he’s sweet and all but idk i just got really choked up about “i don’t really do this” and how smiley and giggly and happy she was. because like!!! she Does Not! has not, ever! she does flings and hookups and casual relationships with the understanding that it’s not long-term partnership, even if it’s ongoing and has genuine feelings attached - and to be clear, none of that is bad! she very clearly enjoys it! there is not one right way to Do Relationships! but whatever feelings one may have about the doylist Why of it, she very clearly does long for some sort of relationship that happens to be out of her comfort zone. she begins to feel that she needs something that she is not getting from the kinds of relationships she has historically been in.

raphael was fully the catalyst btw. and while his asexuality is about him first and foremost - i think the fact that he cares about isabelle inn some capacity, has feelings for her, and sees her value outside of sex made her reevaluate her priorities in relationships. Things (TM) got in the way, but izzy says to clary that what she almost maybe had with raphael made her realize that she wanted more. (again, ‘more’ is not an ideal word, just the one she used becaue it is hard for people, writers of this show included, to conceptualize that casual relationships can be meaningful in their own way. but she very clearly is wanting something different than what she’s ever let herself pursue.)

it’s kind of why, on a narrative level, i get why simon is a good match for her, even if i generally agree that how it happens feels forced and rushed. (aside from that just being book!canon, which i do not really subscribe to dhdhdh.) like. it was never going to work with charlie because she would either have to bring him further into her world - which would endanger him and therefore she would not do - or keep seeing him but keep him in the dark about the shadow world. which she quickly realizes is unsustainable. (and would probably still endanger him if she kept on tbh).

simon’s a good balance because i think he embodies a lot of what draws her in about charlie. they’re both kind and treat her with a kind of gentleness few do. (her brothers of course, but that’s a) a different dynamic altogether and b) muddied by the fact that they’re all soldiers together and can’t always afford to be gentle.) simon, i’m willing to bet, would take her on lots of cute dates. like!!! simon just represents humanity in Such a Specific way, in perseverance, in loyalty, in still having passion for things like music and video games. and despite her flaws, i think one of izzy’s best traits is that she sees the value in this more than most of her people do, she’s drawn to it, she understands that the joy of the mundane world is what they’re actually protecting, what they’re fighting for.

and simon can be all that to her but still will understand when she has to cancel a date because patrol is going long or whatever. lmao.

(okay this is already so long and windy and going a million directions but. here’s the thing i don’t doubt that izzy has genuine romantic feelings and love for simon. i try to take it in good faith when it’s clear characters are written as having feelings for each other. it just occurred to me that how hopeless and lowkey depressed or at least… somewhat despondent and apathetic about her future prospects izzy seemed at the start of s3 is bc. idk how many options she felt she had? like. idk. as established, mundanes are just… not super viable. other shadowhunters are…. largely probably not willing? for better or worse, she has the lightwood name, and it’s tainted. also, i’m shot back to season one where maryse told izzy that she couldn’t do the arranged marriage because no one would have her because of her past relationships with downworlders. and while maryse was being undoubtedly cruel there, i also don’t think she was like, wrong. narratively it would always make the most sense for her to ‘end up’ with someone from the downworld but even then…. public shadowhunter/downworld relationships are shown to be rare!!! alec and magnus are a Big Deal for a lot of reasons and this is one of them!!! and many downworlders (for good reason!!) would have a lot of trouble trusting a shadowhunter in a capital R Relationship. so while there may have been downworlders who were willing to interact with izzy - who would like and respect her, even ! - i find it likely that given all that and her past reputation, many would probably only be willing to engage in a casual dynamic with her. which is no longer what she wants!

so izzy’s somewhat depresso espresso moment in the show is caused because she knows she wants to make a change in the way she does relationships and she’s also incredibly aware of how, like, there are Several Obstacles.

but again on the sizzy front this is not actually a bad thing for them because. simon is in a really weird but good place in terms of. he knows about the shadow world and can relate to izzy on that level. but he is also literally still So New to the shadow world that he has no preconceived notions of her. he meets her with no expectations, good or bad, of what it should mean that she’s a lightwood or a shadowhunter. the first three people he meets from this world are izzy and her brothers, two people that love her to death, and even though at this juncture simon does not care much for alec or jace, he is a smart and observant person. he knows how much they love her. he was always a little pre-disposed to eventually love her too, i think. he sees her as a more complete person than many do - he sees her (eventually) as a badass shadowhunter and a terrible cook and someone who’s scared of rats and doesn’t know how to do pinky promises and loves her family more than she knows what do with. he just sees her and yes, loves her, eventually, but i think what’s maybe more meaningful to her is honestly that he LIKES her, just, as a person. not just because she’s hot or strong or a lightwood (*which certainly feels like the only reason her parent’s care, at least sometimes) but because she’s Izzy.)

[fivegaze]

3.31

mm heres what i did today- i added the combo system (where you have to follow the key sequence on screen to add damage to your attack), fixed what was wrong with it (i kept trying to access the scene variables not realizing that with an additive scene there would be two science variables objects and it was trying to pull from the wrong one.) when that stopped being broken (aka i just plopped the whole thing into the same scene which felt like an anticlimactic solution but hey) i finally fit it into the state machine. it's not fully functional yet, but when i sat down they weren't even connected at all

there she is! my incredibly janky combo system. please ignore the way everything just stacks on top of each other that's not. staying there i am going to animate it. none of these ui graphics aside from the menu buttons and text choices are final btw i am not leaving those govt street sign ass arrows in there.

this is what the state machine looks like for the combo system :] i called it combo crusher <3 i always worry that my state machines look really janky and cluttered but i guess that doesn't matter as much as if it's working lol. ummm one day i'll learn C# (and html because god lmao) but for now it's just me and my little visual scripting machines against Da World.

the second pic here is how i'm currently detecting input which feels silly to me but there's no event block for "any key down" just this one so that's what i'm doing for now. my blatant abuse of on update is what got me into such a Freaking pickle with something's on the station. fun fact that game is Not built with fungus like space case and the VN scenes for soul squad. i wanted to do it myself and i spent so long building a prototype for UI that i didn't even end up using at all that by the time it was time to plug in the dialogue i didnt really have a lot of time to work the system out. so it's just the world's worst dialogue system. do you wanna see it it's SO bad

i can't even fit it into one screenshot. every time you click the "advance dialogue" button it checks to see if you're on the last line and if not it's like okay what line ARE you on then. at which point it pulls from a list of every voice line (unlabeled and barely organized btw) and corresponding dialogue line which is, like, fine, okay, whatever, and ALSO,

IT'S CHECKING WHAT LINE YOU'RE ON EVERY FRAME and just going through a giant if/else chain to make sure the right characters are active. also on every frame it's updating the text color, just in case. also sometimes more than one character is active and it just completely breaks the color coded character text. like okay this could definitely be worse but it sure could be better. i'm being overly self-critical bc i'm an annoying perfectionist (to the incredible detriment of my wellbeing and productivity, obviously) so the fact that it was all completed during a semester gives me SO much room to self-crit. i'm still really proud of it even though i ran out of time to bugfix and i didn't have time to level any of the audio or clean up any of the voice lines. (seriously though this is me being proud of something i make i just don't know how to not like pick my work apart. /neutral.)

anyway this is supposed to be a soul squad update so let's move on from that

this is the turn system btw! combo crusher is brand new. i already have a (time consuming) move selection set up which is irritating bc i'm gonna have to go in and undo everything so i can add a new movelist but i'm moving that out of the priority spotlight(tm) because um my (writing) scripts are NOT done and i need them to be done. cheers and light and love this is gonna be such a meaty github upload im pumped. i love writing myself little devlogs for me and me only. like a little treat

anyway that's all i did today besides go to an extremely short job interview which was cool. i really hope i get the job because i would like to be able to afford rent :D

[swallowtailed]

ok more thinking out loud. this isn’t 100% relevant to cw 09 but it’s continued thematic structure talk

i’ve had the sense that i was missing something about divines since… the middle of partizan, maybe? whenever perennial first came up. (my listening order was pzn-tm-pal, and now cw.) what specifically tripped me up was the ease with which the idea that a divine could be evil was accepted at the table. anyway, knowing that rigor is couched in horrific capitalist violence makes that ease a lot easier to understand. rigor’s legacy is in the entire concept of divines. so ok. in terms of narrative positioning, that makes sense.

the first argument about divines is “we could’ve made them look like anything but we made them look like us”, and then the divine cycle begins from militarism. in other words, the “us” that divines look like are more likely to be the political powers that construct sentient war machines than, like, a regular person. this is an obvious conclusion (and very clear in partizan) but i didn’t realize it was such a basal structural element of the divine cycle. which recolors every subsequent season for me. twilight mirage makes more sense as a contrast, partizan follows clearly on themes of empire. the palisade-era “nothing is stationary” shift toward blurring the divisions between modes of being (cf the branched, dahlia, thisbe imo) also tracks. so. like. i get it now. (also yes i have read austin’s essay where he explains the linkage between the thesis statements of each season and no i did not fully understand it at the time but it makes perfect sense now.)

also, on the topic of thesis statements—when i first encountered partizan, i was like, well, duh, of course we carry our own gravity with us. obviously. but establishing that question as the sequel to twilight mirage, and then setting the season at the heart of the principality, is the most intensive way to test it, which is really compelling to me. like, it barely worked in a utopia, so push it farther: can liberation be achieved in the grip of imperial war. and the idea that, even briefly, it succeeded (kingdom game??), is actually very… hopeful? to me. this is turning out to be a recurring pattern with my experience of fatt series—more hopeful with the context of the first season.

also also: i suspect that if i had any familiarity with mecha anime i would’ve been able to pick out the thematic structure much more easily. definitely part of my problem was that i was trying to construct the whole thing while missing some genre background & so getting tangled up in how to consider mechs in the first place. ………so i guess now i gotta go watch, uh, gundam??? attack on titan??? i will think on this.

conclusion: i don’t think you need to listen to the divine cycle in release order to enjoy the story, but it does (of course) build on assumptions and arguments from previous seasons. so if you want to chew on the structure, it really helps to have counterweight in the mix. which i expected and am still kind of floored to discover in practice. but i still think partizan is the best place to start listening.

…postscript to this is that i gather that audy is(?) a(?) divine(?) and that also seems like something that might uhhhhhh affect the positioning of divines in future seasons. so i’m not done here lmao

counterweight 09: figured out what i’ve been missing about divines. rigor (rigour?)’s first appearance made everything click for me. bursts out of the ice as people who were judged not to work hard enough fall to their deaths in the hole it crawled out of. that’s the first divine in-universe and it’s basal to the divine cycle. i could tell i was missing some core thematic assumption that probably arose from counterweight, and i saw the association with empire, but learning that it all started with rigor is like… yeah. okay. makes sense now.

[thequintessentialqueer]

ayyy sorry I know I keep disappearing for like, literal months at a time. I feel like there are so many things changing in my life all at once?? like obviously there was my jaw surgery, which was a brutal, gruelling, life-altering transformation (also sorry I should really post some pics here but in the meantime if you're curious just hit me up via messenger and I'll give you the name of my double jaw surgery insta).......then there's my first ever foray into short stories: I took the fiction workshop for my program (as well as a creative nonfiction workshop) because we're required to do workshops outside of our primary genre, and I discovered that I literally fucking love writing fiction and am actually pretty good at it???? my prof was absolutely superb and gave amazing feedback and advice and I feel like I've grown more as a writer in the last couple months than I have in like 3 years 😭

also I have been really and intensely grappling with both my gender and the possibility that I might be bi as opposed to a lesbian???? which is fucking wild and such a throwback to grade 10 and I feel so silly for how many times I've gone back and forth on the issue of both my gender and my sexual orientation but like, yeah. I kind of maybe like a man???? maybe??? and I feel like I've had moments of attraction to men before but most men are just terrible and immediately ruin themselves through their words and behaviour, so I've always ended up with women and nonbinary people who actively align themselves with womanhood in some sense........and just in general women are so much better than men so if I'm bi I would say I'm like 88% attracted to women and then the rest is just a screaming void of confusion lmao. but yeah, one guy at least rip.

anyway in terms of gender I'm mostly just trying to work through the intense disconnect I feel from my body and the way I'm perceived and the way I've constructed my "cis womanhood" entirely around being perceived as desirable by people I don't even fucking like. over the years I've always wondered if I might be a trans man or nonbinary but I can't necessarily imagine myself being content or at ease within my body under those conditions either?? like sometimes I see art of angels with no eyes and impossibly long, emaciated limbs and a thousand wings and I'm like "oh yo that's what I want to be" so lmao......but yeah when I think about why I consider myself a woman it really does come down to things that have very little to do with who I am or what makes me comfortable or happy: like I think the biggest thing is that I want to be aligned with all the women and girls in my family who I admire and love, not with my dad or with any of the other husbands??? like the divide in my family is very much "black women/white men" with a couple exceptions and I feel so much more unity and trust and love with the women than with the men and there's this part of me that feels like being anything other than a woman would be a betrayal and would cut me off from them. but over the years a lot of my trans friends, often unprompted, have offered to support me in exploring my gender and one girl just did that again when we were on molly and just hugging and cuddling and telling each other how much we love each other, and like. yo. this could be the time to actually start playing with how I present and how I identify??? and just see how shit feels, you know? and I could do a better job now than when I was 15 and didn't know nearly as much and had almost no support in any form. I still don't know myself very well or what I want, but I'm 23 and I've got a pretty good therapist (she's a prison abolitionist!!!) and lots of friends, and a new jaw, and why the hell not???

[texanmarcusdavenport]

Lab Rats' Headcanons

(Mostly just neurodivergence & sexuality/gender headcanons.)

Chase

THIS SUPERHUMAN IS TRANSGENDER & AUTISTIC. someone get this boy some sound-canceling headphones. his transness is a huge source of insecurity for him, & adam's constant teasing does NOT help.

he is also a bisexual disaster(TM).

Bonus! Spike

mostly i consider spike to be like a fragment in a DID system, or a more realistic version of AI--he has a very specific purpose & behavior parameters & beyond that, he doesnt really. think? especially since he only comes out once in a blue moon.

the commando app triggers differently for everyone. chase's trigger is his social anxiety & general insecurity, not fear, thus why spike never activates when he's in actual danger.

ace or demi spike is an interesting concept. he's only attracted to dainty feminine people or muscle-bound gym rats, no in-between.

i know people love spike angst but i think he's actually pretty happy with his life. he comes out, fucks shit up, then sleeps for another year. what more could a guy want?

Bree

she is so. lesbian with comphet. and also adhd (hyperactive-type).

transfem bree is also very compelling (it explains why she's so desperate to separate herself from her brothers & fit in w girls her age). i think bree could've had a nice arc realizing that womanhood isn't defined by the clothes you wear or how you act, you're a woman regardless of all those things. unfortunately disney is full of misogynistic cowards 😔

Adam

Adam 🤝 Bree -> comphet. Adam is soooo aroace to me. he pretends to be attracted to women because he knows that's what's expected of him (& also it's funny/allows him to make fun of Chase more).

he is cisgender unfortunately 😔 but the biggest trans ally ever (effects of having so many trans family members)! it takes him like. a single day to get used to the idea of nonbinary people. a little longer to get used to they/them pronouns but he's TRYING.

he teases Chase for being feminine but in a weird way it's supposed to be gender-affirming? i mean, you don't make fun of girls for being girly, that'd be stupid (<- his thoughts, not mine lmao).

he has autism AND adhd (combined-type). double whammy. his sensory issues & rsd combine to make him kinda irritable/sensitive. he's social but crowds make him nervous, especially from season 3 onward. his special interest/hyperfixation is weird collectible items (an interest he & bree kinda share).

Leo

nonbinary. chill with any pronouns but most people default to he/him. doesn't like dresses but does wear skirts on occasion.

pansexual or unlabeled. or possibly aspec? i don't know and neither does he, honestly. he just got here.

soooo adhd it's unreal. combined-type like adam. finally started taking his meds around season 3.

Donald

AUTISTIC. it runs in the family.

straight trans guy. kinda homophobic ngl.

Douglas

also trans (it runs in the family). i fully accept the headcanon that he's adam, bree, & chase's egg donor.

HEAR ME OUT. schizophrenic douglas? schizophrenia is often misdiagnosed with things like autism or npd, since they have a lot of overlap (eccentric ways of thinking, paranoia & trust issues can at times look like grandiosity, etc.). he probably made his own medication since he didn't like the ones his therapist put him on.

sooo bisexual disaster that's where chase gets it from <3

Marcus

not trans not cisgender but a secret third thing <3

(no seriously. technically he's cis because he was designed to be a guy & he has no desire to be a woman. technically he's trans because robots have no assigned gender & he's a guy. technically he's cis because robots have no assigned gender & he doesn't really view himself as having a gender. technically he's trans because he was designed to be a guy but he wouldnt really mind being a woman. technically--)

i also like the idea of transfem marcus? no real reason it just appeals to me. bree would be so excited to have a sister <3

ace. not aro but he views romance very very differently from most people. he'd only date someone who's really interesting to him. he gets his taste in romantic partner from douglas lmao.

SOOOO NPD & BPD. the constant lying. belief that he's better than everyone else but Not Really. mood swings. tunnel vision. dramatics. black & white thinking. feelings of emptiness. daddy issues. it's all there baby. he also has anxiety but don't bother telling him he'll just deny it lmao.

marcus knows a fair bit of ASL. he became aware of it because someone in drama club is Deaf; he likes how expressionate and to the point the language is.

marcus was originally one of the robots that the davenport brothers built to handle bionics. it's possible that donald helped build him at one point.

when they were building him, douglas went behind donald's back & equipped marcus with all sorts of things, such as a very primitive version of the triton app, mostly serving as a communication channel. that's why his eyes glow green.

(based off of this post) marcus also has a commando app named mike. mike's trigger is marcus' anxiety about not being "human enough", thus why he's just a Normal Guy.

Daniel(le)

transfem, obviously. major tomboy. actually 15 but looks younger due to the puberty blockers she's on. (her being thirteen fucks up the timeline in my head.)

she was adopted by a lesbian couple but they're. kinda neglectful. scratch that, really neglectful. thus how quick she was to accept douglas as her father.

bree is really excited to have a sister. she ends up mildly disappointed because she wanted to do things like go shopping & to the spa & talk about boys etc etc but danielle's not really into that stuff. luckily they can still bond over pranking adam & chase.

[shallowseeker]

RBs

#if this is re: destiel i think he's just too awkward #so he has no clue how to handle it and doesn't bother #but he still. knows smth is there #like how quickly he told cas abt dean's ma'lak box plan and when dean glared at him he was like 'it's cas i had to tell him' #like i think he knows SMTH is there but he doesn't know if they're actually together #or if it's one sided or if they just think it's one sided #but that being said!!!! #i don't think he realized until much later lmao #like probably post widow arc is when he was like ahhh #that's what all those years of intensity were via @angelcasendgame

Yea, I think that's a fair analysis. He has to work at connecting, often relying on manuals, checklists, and psychoanalysis in lieu of natural instinctive connection. This could be because he's grown up with such a rocky foundation that he's afraid of Doing the Emotions Wrong (TM). To me, he often reads in-canon like a neurodivergent, burnt-out Gifted Kid still reaching for the Life That Passed Him By. ("I'm working on a Ph.D.") //

#i think truly oblivious sam is the most fun #like.....he fully just thinks they're both just weird and doesn't get it at all #i also think there's a pretty good argument for it too because sam is just so oblivious sometimes to things about dean @bloodydeanwinchester

Oh, yeah. He's definitely oblivious about Dean's dreams and interests, especially in those early seasons.

I do think since combat connections are notoriously and well-researched to be deeply, deeply intense and even Weird (TM) to civilians and onlookers, Sam might not be able to draw clear lines between the different types of bonds because of this.

You remind me too of that one line from the Twigs n' Twine n' Tasha Banes:

TASHA: Yeah. Family's always complicated. Parents always seem smart and strong and perfect. It's only when you grow up that you realize that they're just people. (12x20)

This doesn't apply to just Mary but to Dean too! For the longest time, Sam didn't even see him as a person. Throughout the series I feel like Sam goes from making excuses like, "At least we had dad" to realizing that it was Dean who was "parent" all along.

SAM: Dean, you were the one who was always there for me. The only one. I mean, you practically raised me. (14x12)

Not to mention there's the whole competition with him--his misconception that Dean was John's favorite/took it easy on him. He was even weirdly competing with him at times in season 4 -> the whole Dean/weak and Sam/strong dilemma). Anyhoo. Yes!

///

#I choose to believe that Sam is oblivious because if he ISN'T oblivious it would make some of his in canon actions #just absolutely unconscionably cruel and while I think Sam is unhealthily self-involved I absolutely do not see him as cruel #and don't want to think that of him #so I choose to believe he has NO fucking idea about Destiel/Dean being incredibly queer #bc the alternative paints him in such an unflattering light I can't comprehend it of him #also it's objectively the funniest scenario but that's neither here nor there lmao #spn via @ilarual

Perhaps. I think there are lots of attenuating factors in SPN that make the character have complete down-and-out mental breakdowns that showcase their worst "freakout" behaviors, so I think as of right now, I'm embracing the cruelty as a mix of era-style pressures, reciprocal cruelty, psychological-wounds-of-the-moment, and crass low-class teasing, etc etc. Not sure yet!

///

#I think it's a mix of both #because Sam -I think- has a tendency not just towards b&w thinking but to putting people in boxes #and instead of looking at all the daily-increasing pile of evidence contradicting his 'sorting' he just... keeps on being surprised #and then forgetting #idk it seems to me that both Cas and Dean can more easily see how people are complicated and shift their perceptions of others as they go #but Sam I see as being more... this is your role and this is my role and things are supposed to be like so #Tv: Supernatural #uggghh I should start writing down all the things I want to pay attention to when I next rewatch via @ironworked

I wonder if they all default to boxes though: black-and-white-rules, idealization-never-let-me-down-dreams, and complete escapism/nihilism at turns. Especially when one of them has a psychological wound.

I do think you raise a good point that despite underestimating their own "people skills," Dean and Cas seem to have superior natural social skills (yes, even Cas)! They connect more easily and have more reciprocal communication styles.

Sam on the other hand, seems like a Type A neurodivergent "checklister" in my eyes. That's why I think it feels like he's a little more "rules-oriented." He talks abstractly so often about psychoanalysis but he's soooo bad at emotions in the moment. (And I kind of love that, lol! He's always struggling!)

I think Sam actually seesaws in his morality quite a bit. But Cas is shown to be just as comfortable with moral relativism, as he himself says to his counterpart in season 13 AU Earth. Dean can actually be too rigid, and I don't know if that's necessarily better all the time.

///

#firmly in the #sam sees what sam wants to see #camp #he sees things in a way that makes him the 'main character' via @destielrotsmybrain

I definitely agree that Sam perhaps has a bit of "main character" syndrome. But i also think that sometimes severe mental health issues can seem selfish, because you have to become self-involved just to survive. I'm mixed feelings on this one!

///

#sam has a very hard time letting go of preconceived beliefs #especially where dean is concerned #i don't think he's actually oblivious so much as willfully blind to aspects of his brother that don't line up w the dean he has in his head #sam studies #what I'm saying is the boy has some problematic headcanons :D via @bogwitchatrois

This is my favorite, and I think most in line with how I think. He has the Idealized Brother living in his head. The hero of his boyhood. I think the stuff I said to @bloodydeanwinchester above applies pretty well to your brainstorm as well.

Do I think Sam is truly oblivious in-canon? Not exactly but I think there’s a very good argument for willfully oblivious.

[kingsragesqueal]

🏳️‍🌈 nami, vivi, usopp :>

Nami: cis lesbian, she/her, v upfront about her sexuality and has never felt any kind of shame about it (mostly bc she was busy w/ other things tbh) she loves girls so much,, so much. she flirts w/ guys occasionally to get what she wants from them and fully takes advantage of the Male Gaze to get that ca$h money or knock a fool down for underestimating her. thinks guys are gross but very useful. she lets Sanji be Sanji bc she gets special treatment out of it and she's not gonna argue w/ that lmao

Vivi: trans woman, lesbian, she/her. came out when she was very young and her parents were very supportive (they had secretly wanted a daughter anyway) realized she liked girls a little before meeting Nami but was going thru too much shit to pay much attention to it. then she met Nami and was like "oh no ..... i'm .... gay ???" which added to her stress about Alabasta at first but then the Squad(tm) helped her realize that cool ppl won't care about that stuff and she took a chill pill. everyone thinks she has a crush on Kohzu and she's just like "haha ,, yeah .... ,, i mean why wouldn't i? i mean it's not like he's not my type at all and that i dream of red haired pirate women every night ha ha,,,"

Usopp: trans bi guy, he/him. like Vivi he's been out since he was little, just before his mom died. at first ppl in Syrup Village thought him being a boy was another ploy for attention or an aftereffect of his grief but they came to realize that his identity and him screaming about pirates coming were two different things. had a crush on Kaya, definitely, but also has a lil crush on Luffy and has admittedly stared at Zoro's muscles a little longer than strictly necessary at times 👀

part of him wanting to become a Brave Warrior of the Sea and just a Brave Man in general stems from dysphoria and him wanting to prove himself as a "real man." he gets jealous of Zoro and Sanji a lot bc they're physically stronger and sometimes he thinks that him not being stupidly strong like them means he rlly is a girl but then Nami smacks him upside the head and is like "ur a man if u say ur a man, u don't have to prove urself to anyone. being a man isn't a competition. those two are Not Normal and striving to be like them is a waste of the man u are. also insinuating that weak=female is p gross fam" and then she charges him 500 berries for her Wisdom and maybe he cries a little

[repostsandramblings]

Been listening to a lot of Leland Kirby, so I have a lot of inspiration for something more spacey or existential

So I made my one, and if my lore pans out right, only ancestor

The music man (that's his allias)

Basically

The ancestors of my trolls were a huge mess

They made a lot of mistakes (gotta figure out what those are)

And as such, they had to fight till the bitter end to even create their universe

One troll, a prince of void, instead of facing what he saw as inevitable failure and death, hid away in the void, this act, doomed his comrades and left the new universe without a leader

Instead of being any different, it was more of the same

The prince, now lost in the void, settled to do the one thing he always dreamed of, making and cataloging music

He spent sweeps upon sweeps, playing, composing, and digging himself deeper into the void

Once he was finished, he had three records

{MyBestWork,MayItSingAndDanceAsIOnceDid}

{TheVoidCullsALonelySoul}

and

{Void,TakeMeNow}

All signed with his Trollian handle, since he felt he lost the honor of using his real name

The Music Man TMM or TM

He used all that what left of his power

To make a record player

He put his best work on it

Set it to play

And slowly faded into the void, clutching the other two records in his arms, viewing them as far too emotional and nonsensical for anyone to hear, despite there being no one to hear him

Then the game starts

And Xennox, after fully realizing his troll abilities, spends time in the void, it is, after all, a dimension of almost infinite storage, as well as nearly infinite time to think things over

It's like his place of meditation

Then he hears the music

He discovers the record player

And finds out about the music man

And he begins searching for other records just to see if they exist

And thats where it ends lmao

I did make this cool poem thing though!

Prince of void

Through the voids usual emptiness

A piano chord rips through through the silence

A record spins as the record player blares with life

An oddity, even for the void

This music reverberates infinitely, with nothing to colide with, nothing to slow it's path

Until it's hits Xennox's ears

Disturbing his peace

He doesn't understand where it's coming from

And when he seeks it out

All he finds

Is a lonely record player

Playing on and on

The music crackling and struggling to sound coherent, yet with just enough life and clarity to justify calling it music

Horns groan

Piano keys cry out

The void is full of sounds

Ones he'd never expect to hear

He tried reaching for the arm of the record player, trying to get it to stop

Only for the arm to vanish with his touch

The music, still vibrant

Playing as if nothing changed

And when he looked at rhe record

He saw it's name

"{MyBestWork,MayItSingAndDanceAsIOnceDid}"

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Oh god so, since ive been watching and reading black butler a lot again Ive obviously also been thinking a lot abt it and it made me unlock this memory qnd have this kinda harrowing realization

For context, I was pretty active on Wattpad at the time, specifically the german side, specifically the german minecraft youtuber side, although I was slowly getting into fully fictional ships at that point as well. One day, one of the people I followed made this "book" or whatever that was like, a roleplay ? Idk the way it worked was that you would 'apply' by just making your character under the comments of one chapter and then go to the comment section of the next chapter where the creator had a comment that was like "RP starts here" and then you replied to that and thats where the rp took place. There wasnt really any direction to this whole thing lmao it was called like "Wattpadtown" or smth and the "premise" was literally just "a bunch of people who got some weird bullshit goin on hanging out in this wacky town" and the entire roleplay was basicalld just one extended shitpost, I really wish I could find it and read through some of it because it was WILD

We ended up being like 8 "main" people in this roleplay (rip to all the other people who applied lmao there were a lot surprisingly enough) and I actually became somewhat close friends w/ the person who started it although we never took it out of the wattpad comments section, at me most we would pm eachother so we've unfortunately lost contact lol. One thing to note about all 8 of us was that we were all pretty big billdip shippers. This is important bc the reason I got into Black Butler because of billdip basically lmao

Like, idk if these were that popular in other fandoms, but there were a lot of these Ask or Dare book for Billdip were you would ask your favorite characters/ships questions or tell them dares or whatever and then someone would write the weirdest most poorly written bullshit around it and its really funny I hope they still make those. But yknow, just having two guys interact in your ask or dare book is kinda boring so you'd get a lot of crossovers with other pairings, popular ones were like Willdip, Mawill, Tomco I remember a german one that had the bluehaired guy x the redhaired guy from Assassination Classroom that was fun. And obviously they would do Sebaciel, like, those two ships are soooooooo in the same ballpark its insane. Anyway, so Im reading this one ask or dare book, mostly for the billdip stuff but Sebastian n Ciel are also there and in one of the chapters they get this dare: "everyone, watch the corset scene from the anime" I remember this very vividly. These ask or dare books could get very meta btw. So they do that ig, and we get their reactions idk how Bill n Dipper reacted but Ciel is all flustered and Sebastian is all flirty or whatever bc the characterization in these books is the bane of my existence. Whatever, the important part is, Im kind of intrigued now bc I was coming out of that in that phase where anything gay seemed like, Scandalous and Exciting(tm) because I was starting to get used to it by that point bc I read a lot of gay fanfic HOWEVER media that had like, canon gay shit in it still seemed Scandolous and Exciting(tm) because yknow, i didnt know a lot of that and its also just different consuming fan content vs Actual Media(tm) yknow. So I watched it and I enjoyed it and I got to The Corset Scene and.. I was not disappointed thats for sure

So thats my story, lets get back to the roleplay stuff. Me and those 8 people would often talk (still in the wattpad comment section) about like, other stuff and one evening the creator wrote like "Heyy can anyone recommend an anime to me, I just binged attack on titan again but now Im sad again because my fave Marco died and like, yeah I have this theory that hes still alive as a titan but still :'( need something to cheer me up" idk why I remember this so vividly now because Ive only watched a single episode of aot so this is borderline incomprehensible to me to this day but whatever. I know she liked billdip and since I liked billdip and then I watched black butler and really liked it I jumped on the chance to tell her to watch it. ALSO I knew that she looooved pretty anime guys and Sebastian is a very pretty and very anime guy so I knew she would adore it. So then she tells me that shes gonna go find and watch it and Im like "YESSSSSSS pls tell me what you think"

Less than 10 minutes later she writes me back like "okayyyyy Im loving it so far (and Sebastian is reaaaallly cute xD) I just have one question tho: why do they have british accents" and I didnt really think anything of it I was just kinda like "Yeah it takes place in 19th century england ig" but I just came to a weirdly upsetting realization; she was definitely not watching it in japanese but also, they dont do accents in the german dub which means......... Ciel and Sebastian have british accents in the english dub.

[thebigqueer]

just remembered i wanted to make a post about will solace's sexuality headcanons so nevermind i have content.

also actually this is just me projecting mostly lmao

okay his queer awakening is honestly because of naomi solace. i think she has a lot of queer artist friends around her, but also it's just a lot of hot people and will meets them every once in a while. i think that since they're older he probably feels the most attraction to them.

this kind of happens around 5th grade

he has no idea why he's feeling this way and like. quite honestly he's probably even scared by it cuz internalized homphobia yk. so he gets scared off easily by these new feelings and honestly represses them down and kinda forgets about any of it for a while because like??? honestly finding out you may be attracted to someone of your same gender is such a terrifying concept???? you've grown up in a society where it's weird to do that so like it probably has such a huge impact on him and how he feels about queerness. so in the end, he probably just tries to forget about it and move on with his life. hhahahahah no im not projecting wdym :eyes:

when he gets to camp a little bit later, he actually meets a lot more queer people and doesn't even know that!!! wow!!! here are people who have similar experiences!!! and i think after he forgot about his sexuality crisis just a year or two ago, it kind of comes back but this time he's in a much better place to consider & actually think about his sexuality cuz he has better people to be around.

then he grows a little bit and like honestly he probably had a crush on beckendorf. yes i'll give into that headcanon. this is around the time he's in 6th/7th grade and cuz he's in a better environment he probably feels a bit safer to actually start. feeling idk??

but again he's not entirely sure where this is going cuz like he's technically been attracted to guys before but like. he's never quite accepted his attraction until now, while he's truly trying to accept & learn about who he is.

he doesn't really know how he identifies at all but he knows that he's actually maybe into guys???

in 7th/8th grade, he mostly identifies as pan because i think he mostly finds everyone attractive & experiences romantic attraction to lots of people. but he's still nervous to truly admit that he's still into guys so he shies away from doing anything too Promiscuous TM unless he's with friends

i also do believe that nico was one of his crushes at an early age (but they become friends first and foremost and after BoO will only pursues him as a friend. their romantic feelings for each other develop as they know each other more but that's later)

but then!! THEN!!! i think he reaches a point in his Sexuality Crisis TM where he just. fully accepts that. omg he's into guys!! GUYS!!! HE LIKES GUYS!!! like he still likes girls but he just suddenly accepts fully that he does like guys and he's super proud of it!!!

i think it also has a lot to do with his friends and a lot of htem coming out around the same time that will is

i fully believe that he has some kinda flings as a 13/14yo (yes ik i talk a lot about keeping 13/14yos single but you see. i feel like he would date for the fun of it and not so much for the actual romance because he's already got so much in his life going on along w/ his identity crisis so he's looking for something to entertain his self-discovery, basically). but i feel like he goes to visit his mom every once in a while, so he really only has flings when he's back at his mom's house. so he gets his first partner like?? i guess summer before 9th grade?? and honestly it's not that epic it's just 3 weeks but like!! first boyfriend yoo!!

then he gets back to camp after the summer and doesn't really date?? i feel like he just. kinda cools down. and this is when he also starts to make friends with nico and he's probably looking for a break for himself

in this time where things are kinda calm now after the battle w/ Gaea, i think he kinda reflects on himself a lot and like realizes that "hmm idk i feel like i'm?? a little more into guys?? i think?? like physically & romantically & aesthetically they seem better for me?? and i feel like i see myself with a guy more than a girl?? but i wouldn't mind dating a girl??"

and i think at this point he probably just starts to identify as queer because honestly he has no idea what the fuck is going on because literally who does when it comes to identity

but after some time, even after he's started to date nico, i think he realizes that honestly?? he's probably homoflexible. like he doesn't mind dating girls but he's not as attracted to them as he is towards guys. and it's not just nico who sways his thinking - he kind of reflects on his life and thinks about how he'd much rather kiss/date/crush on guys and like girls are cool but they're not always what he's attracted to

he's still confused to this day and he usually just says he's queer but like internally he's probably thinking he's more homoflexible. he uses queer as his label though