#liveandnotdie

[mrsronan]

Last Thursday (March 7) I got to speak to a large Women’s Bible Study in San Francisco. I attended the study for three years and have quite a few friends still involved. Here’s what I said. (Health update and other details below the speech.) Also, it won't hurt my feelings at all if you skip the speech and just read the health update. :)

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I’m thankful I get to be here with you ladies this morning. You are always such a blessing. Malene and Karen invited me to give an update on how I’m doing. Most of you know me, but let me introduce myself to those of you I’m not yet acquainted with. My husband and I grew up in Cincinnati Ohio, I’ve served as a missionary to Haiti and spent two years teaching in China. My husband and I believed God called us to San Francisco so we moved here four months after we got married in 2006. When we got here everything that could go wrong went wrong, including losing our housing on the same day I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. That surprise pregnancy led me to seek help at Alpha Pregnancy Center, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage but I never forgot that Alpha was ready to walk with me and find solutions to all of my concerns. Later I went back to Alpha, but as a staff member and I eventually became the director. I spent almost a decade running that ministry until I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and had to resign.  I’ve been going through chemo and radiation treatments since July 2016.  

Before I give you an update on my health I want to tell you a story that will explain my perspective on this challenge.*  

The day I arrived at my new home in Haiti where I would live for a year, I walked into a house that had been robbed. Everything was gone- furniture, curtains, dishes, everything except the kitchen sink. I had met my roommate for the year one day earlier, Shelley lived in the house the year before and knew our neighbors well. She assured me that since we were back and our neighbors loved her, the house would now be safe and nothing more would be stolen. I didn’t believe her. We had just a couple hours to drop our things off before needing to leave for a meeting at the school where we’d be teaching. On my way out the door for the meeting, I silently prayed, “Lord, if our house gets robbed tonight, please don’t let them take my radio, my guitar, or the vase from Morocco Kellie gave me.”

When we got home that night, our house had been ravished. Clothes were strewn everywhere, Shelley’s nice camera— gone. The sheets off our other roommate’s bed— gone. I made it to my room in the back of the house and did a quick scan of my bedroom: my radio was there, check; my guitar was there, check; my vase— gone! What!? Didn’t God hear my prayer? Why would the thieves want my vase anyway? It was just a small memento that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone but me. My heart sank. I felt robbed. But just as quickly as my heart sank, the Holy Spirit began to speak: “Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here this year to look at that vase. I am the same whether or not that vase is on top of your dresser. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that vase.” My heart responded, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” A moment later, a fellow teacher who had come to help walked in the door and said, “I found this on the street, does this belong to you?” and held up my vase.

That small momentary loss and the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart taught me how to get through larger losses that aren’t temporary. When my mom was murdered, when I had multiple miscarriages, when my marriage has been difficult, and many other times of loss I’ve gone back to that moment and remembered God is the same no matter what I might be losing. 

To be honest, the months since November have been filled with loss.  

My grandfather died because of lung cancer. 

Five of my other friends have died as well (three cancer related deaths).

My landlord promised me a bigger apartment and even gave me the keys then changed her mind and took the keys back. 

The clinical trial I’ve been on has stopped shrinking my tumors. (More on this below) 

But amidst these tragedies there have been some triumphs. 

I was given the Gianna Molla award and spoke to 50,000 people. 

My daughter turned 3 and sweetly told me I set up her party so nice and perfect. 

I turned 40 even though some medical professionals never thought I’d live this long. My husband, family, and friends threw me two surprise birthday parties. 

So I find myself responding to all of this in a few ways

Crying out to God in mourning and in thanksgiving. 

Praying for others as well as myself. 

Singing Amazing Grace and really meaning every word of all 7 verses.

Returning to scripture and asking God to keep His word as the foundation of my heart.

Some of the verses that I’m returning to over and over have become anthems for me that I go to daily to set my heart and mind in the right place.  

Hebrews 13.8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Reminding me that with or without cancer, God is still worthy of praise. For me, all these efforts to get treatment and extend my life are primarily for my three year old little girl. I don’t want her to have the pain of growing up with out her mom. But, this verse reminds me that God is the same and worthy of our praise even if she does grow up with out a mom.

I also go back to the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego from Daniel 3. 

You probably remember the story well. Everyone in their town was  told to bow down and worship a false god. The punishment for refusing was to be thrown into a fiery furnace. Everyone worshipped the gold statue, but Shadrach Meshach and Abednego refused to follow suit. Some people told the king and he was furious. 

Here’s how the Message version of the Bible tells the rest of the story:

The king questioned them and gave them a second chance to obey.

16-18 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”

19-23 Nebuchadnezzar, his face purple with anger, cut off Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace fired up seven times hotter than usual. He ordered some strong men to tie them up, hands and feet, and throw them into the roaring furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, bound hand and foot, fully dressed from head to toe, were pitched into the roaring fire. Because the king was in such a hurry and the furnace was so hot, flames from the furnace killed the men who carried Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to it, while the fire raged around Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

24 Suddenly King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm and said, “Didn’t we throw three men, bound hand and foot, into the fire?”

“That’s right, O king,” they said.

25 “But look!” he said. “I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!”

Some people say that is Jesus; I love that even though they were in a literal fire, they weren’t in it alone.  They had to go through the fire, but Jesus went through it with them.

26 Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the roaring furnace and called in, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the most High God, come out here!”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked out of the fire.

27 Everyone gathered around to examine them and discovered that the fire hadn’t so much as touched the three men—not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them! 

Next the king praises God. Shadrach Meshach and Abednego’s fiery challenge 

Gives the king a fiery passion to praise God.

28 Nebuchadnezzar said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel and rescued his servants who trusted in him! They ignored the king’s orders and laid their bodies on the line rather than serve or worship any god but their own.

29 “Therefore I issue this decree: no one should speak against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. No other god can pull off a rescue like this.”

Friends, I’m in a battle where I can say— Only God can pull off the kind of rescue I need. 

But, I’d bet half my bank account most of you have felt that too.  Maybe you’ve had severe health issues,  maybe you’ve needed the courage to leave an abusive relationship,  maybe you’ve had the sorrow of losing a child,  maybe you’ve been plagued with overwhelming anxiety… 

I’m guessing that everyone of you have had a time when you thought, “only God can rescue me from this.” 

I look back at all those trials I mentioned earlier and see, yes, He jumped into the fire with me on all of them and pulled me out and actually it made me stronger than before.  So, right now, in this fire of cancer, I’m looking to the God who has rescued me time and time again and saying “I know you are able to rescue me, and I believe you will, but even if you don’t I will still praise you.”

The final scripture I return to as an anthem I’ve read with you before. Psalm 118. 

I’d like to share some of it with you again today

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:

    “His love endures forever.”

3 Let the house of Aaron say:

“His love endures forever.”

4  Let those who fear the Lord say:

    “His love endures forever.”

5 When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;

    he brought me into a spacious place.

6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

7 The Lord is with me; he is my helper.

 …

8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in humans.

9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in princes.

I’m saying it’s better to trust in the Lord 

than medicine or doctors

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,

    but the Lord helped me.

14 The Lord is my strength and my defense[a];

    he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory

    resound in the tents of the righteous:

17 I will not die but live,

    and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;

    you have become my salvation.

27 The Lord is God,

    and he has made his light shine on us.

…

28 You are my God, and I will praise you;

    you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

 Verse 17 is something I’ve especially clung to. 

At first I thought, I will live and not die so that when I am healed from cancer I can tell the miraculous story of how God healed me and what seemed impossible with man is possible with God. And, that is still what I’m counting on. 

But, I’ve begun to think I’m alive today. I can tell what God has done today. I can tell you today that He has been with me in the trenches of every fire I’ve had to walk through, and he has used them all for the good of many lives and souls. 

And, when I return to scripture it allows me to fix my thoughts on Jesus. He endured the cross scorning its shame for the joy that was set before him. And remembering that He did that, and being bought with his blood gives me the strength to be content in a small apartment, to endure the disease of cancer, and to get through the other pains that come with life in a fallen world but doing so with joy because of the promise of a glorious eternity. 

Two nights ago, as I was putting my daughter to bed we were singing “what can wash a way my sins” and she stopped me mid song and said, “Mommy mommy, the blood of Jesus, it can heal everything. Even if you die it can heal you.” 

If I could leave you with any thought this morning it would be that. The blood of Jesus can heal anything you have going on in your life. Remember He never changes even when our circumstances do, lay your burdens at the foot of His cross, and let His blood bringing healing to your life.  

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HEALTH UPDATE

So, what does it mean for me that the clinical trial isn’t shrinking my tumors? To catch some of you up to speed on what I’ve done before I answer that, I’ve already done 3 kinds of chemo and radiation. The clinical trial I’ve been in is my fourth form of treatment. There are no other FDA approved treatments that have been effective at treating my kind of cancer. I have a biopsy scheduled for Thursday. The results of the biopsy will show if the immunotherapy trial I’ve been on has changed the genetic make up of my tumors. If it has I can continue on the trial. If it hasn’t then I’ll need to start searching for other clinical trials or treatments at different hospitals and clinics. My oncologist thinks I’ll have to begin a search for other clinical trials. She is willing to help me. My family might have to move in order for me to continue to have effective treatment options. I’m really hoping that I won’t have to move, but if we do have to move there’s a promising clinical trial in Cleveland that I’m looking into which would get me closer to my family and I’d be thankful for that. Yet, I am willing to go wherever I need to get treatments. I’ll try to write a short update after I get my biopsy results. 

Separately I had a chalazion in my eye. It has healed. 

OTHER UPDATES

I’m still a super Warriors fan and even though they’ve had a few embarrassing losses recently they are still number 1 in the western conference and still the favorites to be champions this year. 

I lead prayer in the SF Prayer Room every Wednesday night from 6-9 pm.  I’d love it if you join me some time. 

My landlord offered to let us move to a bigger apartment and even gave us the keys. She later changed her mind and took the keys back. I was absolutely heartbroken and cried for days. Now, I’m wondering if God kept us from moving because we might have to move so I can get treatment elsewhere. 

We were gifted tickets to see Hamilton and loved it! It left me wanting to live in a way that gives others freedom. 

My husband, family, and friends threw me TWO surprise birthday parties. I’ve lived to be 40 and I’m pretty thankful about that. 

I threw a small birthday party for Catica. The week after her party she snuggled up on my lap and we had this conversation,  C: Mama, you did such a good job. Me: A good job on what, Baby? C: My party. You set everything up so nice and perfect.  My heart melted.  

PRAYER REQUEST

Please pray for miraculous results to this biopsy and miraculous healing. God is able to do more than we can ask or imagine. 

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*I know I’ve already told this story on my blog before but I love to share it whenever I can as it keeps my perspective in check. 

[thenuchic]

My husband walked away after being ejected from this wreck. He spent 2 days unconscious but alive. Life happens and you can never prepare for the how. Remember, tomorrow is promised to no one. How are YOU spending your today? #takethecarsparethelife #doallyoucantoday #richmanpoorman #rebirth #reset #inspire #motivation #liveandnotdie #canttakeitwithyou #lifelessons #redirection #paradigmshift #dontwantanotheriwantbetter https://www.instagram.com/p/BnoqkKMFkCp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1tq3vjsscdbvb

[iammeesha7]

. . . . . #iammeesha #humble #happy #grateful #blessed #sogood #withoutyou #gottobelieve #grace #liveandnotdie #hereiam #iwannathankyou #usebyyou #singer #songwriter #chicago #chicagoartist #branding #positivethinking #greatvibes #followme

[shemovement-blog1]

#SHEMOVEMENT DDD 💙 @rock_ill Drop Zone 🛑 Stop, drop & catchwreck #breaktime #liveandnotdie #thebgirlcypher #alwaysastudent @nbtlopez 📱 @rock_ill ✏📲 #SamsungS7 • #therestofus #breakgirl #bgirl #artist #fitnessenthusiast #graphicdesigner #gem #inspire #empower #lifestyle #cinematic #shine #womenofhiphop #mighty4 #dropzone #faith #hope #womenoffaith #lifeandlove #puravida #dallas

[thezodiacchurch]

Breakfast then lunch snack!!! #crushinit #thehealthylifestyle #thehealingplace #thehealingplace21daynomeatfast #thehealingplacefamily #plantbasedlife #nomeat #vegan #whttmehealth #getyousome #longevity #lifestrength #liveandnotdie

[multiverse60]

The present is all we have. Live in it and only it. @jimmyp60 #jimmyp60 #liveinthepresent #timeisntreal #liveandnotdie (at Warner Robins, Georgia) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bz51ot1g6I1/?igshid=l6ka265mwrt3

[tiffanycraig]

Oh come on somebody!!! #TLC #fightforyourlife #youshall #liveandnotdie #deucestoexcuses✌ #theyarentnecessary

[h2edu-blog]

#RP @thebgirlcypher Those skills! #femmefatalekilla Follow @bgirl_sidi_ and show some ❤! #Repost @bgirl_sidi_ - #Bboy raider and #bgirl sidi 😁😁😇😇 - - - - - - - - - - #femmefatalekilla is dedicated to all you lady killas out there. For putting your light, encouragement and passion into the world. 💋 Use hashtag #femmefatalekilla and tag @thebgirlcypher for a chance to get featured. #liveandnotdie #alwaysastudent #thebgirlcypher #HipHopEducation

[jkevinjohnson]

Make like a child as often as possible letting the beauty of the world inspire and invigorate you, as well as keep you in a state of awe and wonder! #encouragement #inspirationalquotes #meditations #inspiration #livelaughing #loveyourjourney #liveinawe #wanderlust #livefun #naturalbeauty #naturalhealth #lovelife #hope #passionforlife #liveandnotdie #enjoylife #youhavepurpose #healthandwellness

[whyte23]

The follow-up to the music video for "Mountains" (from #CIRCA1993), "No Flex Zone (Re-Imagined)" is an R&B take on the summer smash "No Flex Zone" by Rae Sremmurd. This version tells the story of someone trying to leave a life of crime, but no matter where he goes he still sees remnants of his old life. 

[mrsronan]

Starry Eyed

PART 3 OF 4 About a month ago I had the opportunity to speak to a MOPS group that meets at my church. The theme for the national MOPS organization this year was “We are the Starry Eyed.” After researching a bit of how the organization was rolling with that, here’s what I decided to share with the group of moms I met with. Pictures inserted were shown as as slides during my time sharing. And, I modified this a bit so it makes sense when being read. If you’ve read most of my previous blog posts, you might have read one or two of the stories below. FIND PART 1 HERE FIND PART 2 HERE ____________________________________ Through out my battle against cancer so many people have commented to my husband  and I that we have unreal peace. It’s because we have  taken our thoughts captive and we focus on things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and worthy of praise, like we're told in Philippians 4.6-8. The verses right before that tell us don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4.6-8)

One of the ways I reframe my thoughts is knowing the Creator of the world knows me, knows my dark nights, my lonely thoughts; and He loves me, He loves my daughter, He can redeem each pain we experience for the good.

So many times I’ve seen it’s the places I’ve experienced pain that I get to comfort and help others. Its the darkness that I’ve experienced that lets me be a light to others. The darkness of the miscarriages I’ve had let me bring hope and light to someone facing the same loss. The darkness of financial struggles I’ve been through allow me to give the light of compassion to others who need help. The darkness of cancer allows me to shine the light of peace to others facing health battles.

When I control my thoughts, I can do that, but frequently my thoughts start to hop away and go places with out my permission. I have thoughts I don't want to have- when that happens, and I realize I’m going down a rabbit hole of thoughts that won’t benefit me, when its too late to control my thoughts, I can reign them back in by controlling what I say. 

Its so important to control our words— Proverbs says power of life and death is in the tongue. The words we speak and the words spoken over us shape the core of who we are.

When I was in the third grade my mom told me I looked terrible in yellow. I didn’t wear yellow again until I was a sophomore in college and even then my best friend spent a year and a half convincing me it would be okay. As a mom now, I’m trying to chose the words I speak over my daughter carefully. A small example is when my daughter is coloring in my living room and close to my favorite light blue leather chair, I’m tempted to say, “don’t color on mommy’s special chair.” Instead, I’m teaching myself to say, “Catica keeps her crayons on the paper,” and redirect her to the paper.

I also have to carefully chose the words I speak over myself. When the devil’s piglet minions try to really crush my spirit and tell me cancer will kill me before my daughter can form any memories of me, I go back to one of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 118 and quote out loud, “I will live and not die, to tell of what the lord has done.”  I don’t have the whole chapter memorized, but the ideas are in my heart when I quote this small section it puts my heart in the right place of trusting God. My heart remembers the ideas from the chapter that my mind hasn’t quite memorized, things like - 

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;    his love endures forever. (Psalm 118.1)

When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;    he brought me into a spacious place. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.    What can mere mortals do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. It is better to take refuge in the Lord    than to trust in humans. (Psalm 118.5-8)

I was pushed back and about to fall,    but the Lord helped me.   The Lord is my strength and my defense;    he has become my salvation. Shouts of joy and victory    resound in the tents of the righteous: (Psalm 118.13-15)

I will not die but live,    and will proclaim what the Lord has done. (Psalm 118.17)

I will give you thanks, for you answered me;    you have become my salvation. (Psalm 118.21)

The Lord is God,    and he has made his light shine on us. You are my God, and I will praise you;    you are my God, and I will exalt you. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;    his love endures forever. (Psalm 118.27-29)

In order to see the light in my dark situations, or be the light in someone else’s darkness, I have to control my thoughts & control what I say.

FIND PART 4 HERE

[theshortbird]

Art. This season has been particularly difficult for just about everyone I know. My answer, my prayer, my sanity, is in art. What do I need to learn? what do I need to do for this season, these parts of me and others, to die and fade away? You give beauty for ashes. #art #artwork #artfido #acrylic #livepainting #pheonix #painting #propheticart #liveandnotdie #cedarstheband #nothingiswasted (at Mount Wesley Conference Center)

[bgirlzone-blog]

B-Day B-Girl Blog - B-Girl Rockill!

B-Day B-Girl Blog – B-Girl Rockill!

Shout out to B-Girl “Rockill” on her special day! She is a career b-mom, cru mate, and hip hop advocate striving to keep her community informed with event info, youth guidance, and healthy living, all while inspiring her children to the fullest. Multi-tasking is just one of her many talents; she is also an established b-girl who has paved the way for many of today’s up-and-coming b-girls. She has…

[created2inspireu]

This statement alone indicates that one must go through (overcome) obstacles! To go through (overcome) obstacles indicates that one doesn't quit. Whatever you're going through is merely a temporary moment in time; preparing you for Hod's promise/purpose for your life! Look yourself in the mirror every morning and say, I AM AN OVERCOMER!! 😉

[successprod]

Not feeling real good in my body, BUT with the help of God, Imma get thru this workout. Got a goal to get to. #TeamHealthy #TeamFit #HealthierMe #LiveAndNotDie (at Fitness Connection Greenspoint)

[fabclifestyle-blog]

By @jesus_send "Join us all day today to post pictures, text, videos or clothing with the scripture John 3:16 on it!! Follow us on twitter @thesendmovement and post just like we did in this picture!! #sendjohn316challenge #john316 #reallove #truelove #disciples #hedied #liveandnotdie #newlife #grace #share #notashame #savior #salvation #showtheworld #lovenothate #mercy #success #victory #heaven #hope" via @PhotoRepost_app