#literally written at 4am why am i like this

[mq-writes-ig]

we were just kids in the garden

dirt as a halo in your hair

you’d always seemed like an angel to me

-aster

[buntobeans]

delirious venture after tooth surgery

warnings: blood, venture is like HIGH from anesthetic nothing much else

idk if anyone has written this but it's so cute seeing all those videos with people after surgeries being absolutely ZOOTED and having no idea what planet they're on

also i am NOOTTTT a dentist by any means im just going off of my fanfic delirium.... it's 4am this is a pretty bad work but i GAWT TO BE ON MY VENTURE GRINDSET

sooo we all know how sloan has a chipped tooth, right? not entirely sure what it's from, their chipper highlight intro or them eating a rock- either one is funny as hell

to say you freaked out was an absolute understatement, there was blood everywhere and sloan was just looking at you like:

:D

"amor, look what i found!" they hold up the rock in their hands so proudly like a cat that's brought back a dead mouse

"SLOAN, YOU'RE LITERALLY BLEEDING."

you force them to drop the rock/artifact or leave it with the wayfinders, ensuing in a very pouty sloan

one trip to the emergency room later sloan is ZOOTED

literally space ranger the way they are NOT on earth

you go to pick them up, they're in the waiting room

you're relieved by the fact that they're okay but you're absolutely not prepared for what comes next

the medical staff informs you that they're very out of it, slyly adding along that you must be "the partner with (e/c) eyes that sparkle in the sunlight"

the what

you enter the room to see them having an extremely animated conversation to anyone that will listen, whether it's the doctors or the potted plant on the table next to their seat

as soon as they namedrop you you feel extremely embarrassed

they're describing your exact appearance (like if you have brown hair, none of that brunette shit, they're saying "they have #5C4033 hair")

they describe your first meeting and first date in way too specific detail and the middle-aged lady next to them in the waiting room is just like "uh huh yeah if this mf dont stop talking they're gonna be in the emergency room AAGGAAAIN"

"SLOAN SHUT UP"

your partner takes a GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOU

like 30 seconds of just gaping, you really can see their chipped tooth in its full glory

"sloan, we're going home"

they gulp and stare up at you like their big wet eyes

"i can't go home with you"

"why not"

"my partner will get jealous"

"."

"by the way, my partner has the prettiest smile. i miss them" they're looking so sad as they said that, like you fucking died

YOU'RE RIGHT THERE

"sloan.."

"whoa.. how'd you know my name?"

"i AM your partner"

they blink

it's like they're seeing you for the first time again

their eyes are sparkling and they look like they're falling in love all over again

they give you a crooked smile, kind of slumping back in their seat cause you took their breath away, cheeks hotter than before

"hey there!"

you're exhausted from worrying over them and their tooth but they're looking at you like you're the most radiant being in the world- no- the universe

"oh dios mio.. see i was tryna be loyal but you came in looking really pretty and i thought (for only a second i promise, like, one second!) about cheating.. thank goodness we're together tho"

what

your heart does a few flips in your chest

suddenly you're kinda pissed that they had to get injured in their mouth because you want to sloppily make out with this rock munching idiot

the car ride home is almost abysmal

they're belting out stupid songs, randomly screaming deez nuts jokes even when you don't fall for them then cackling at themselves because it's funny to THEM, mumbling things in spanish you don't understand (you swear you hear a "te amo" in there)

it's stressful as HELL for you because you have to constantly check that their seatbelt is still on because they're excitedly looking out the window like a dog with its tongue out

they're also randomly shouting and pointing out shit outside like they're playing road trip bingo

you're thankful when they quiet down eventually until you hear

"Can we get married? I proooomise I'll take care of you.." They sniffle. "I've got the moneeeyy.. 'n I really think you were made f'me.. I jus' wan' t'be t'gether forever... I loooove youuuu..."

you nearly crash the car

JESUS SLOAN

you tend to them at home and it seems like all their object permanence has vanished

gone from this world

because whenever you leave the room to get them water that THEY REQUESTED, they start crying

"AMOR, WHERE DID YOU GO"

they regain their senses the next day and you realize

it's not REALLY that different

they're still a goober

though with less (full) teeth than before

but they're your goober :)

still, using that little marriage speech against them has them flustered because they've really been thinking about it, it wasn't just a whim from their anesthetic-fueled delirium

[bills-unpaid]

‘Morning After’ (Gojo Satoru x M!Reader)

Gojo Satoru x m. reader (uses he/him)

established relationship, mlm, mentions of sex, use of y/n

sfw, fluff, comfort, teasing, manhandling(?) reader is smaller than Gojo (he’s LITERALLY 6’6”), use of nicknames, slightly suggestive, angst if you squint, edited at 4am

hi before you read it’s been years since I’ve written anything. at all. if Gojo’s a little ooc and the story’s… mediocre in grammar, I apologize.

also this is putely self indulgent bc i am starving for this man and I’ve ran out of m/m self inserts to read okthxbai

y/n woke with a groan, the sun that hit him through the curtains rudely woke him up from his sleep. He was trapped under his boyfriend’s arm that tugged him into his side—the white haired oaf drooling as he slept. 

He looked rather… cute. He would be even cuter, y/n thinks, if he wasn’t snoring into my ear.

As y/n struggled to crawl out of his partner’s grasp, he became increasingly frustrated when he still finds himself trapped. It was no surprise his partner was this strong but… seriously?

“Satoru.” he says, shaking his boyfriend’s shoulder.

In response, he hugs y/n closer to him. 

“Satoru” y/n knows the sorcerer well enough to see that he was well awake and just being an asshole for a laugh—that shit eating grin proving him right, when he turns his face for y/n to see.

“Aww, babe, I just wanna be closer to you…” *Gojo pouted, batting his eyelashes at his partner, “After all the… demands you made of me last night, I think this is the least you can do for me, hm?” 

y/n blushed at the mention of last night—red tinting his cheeks. “You’re suffocating me, Satoru,” was all he could reply without losing his composure, “Just let me breathe for a moment.”

He looked at y/n with a neutral expression, silently complying to the smaller man. y/n took time to observe the rather messy state the two were in—both of their hair were disheveled, their sheets were messy and thrown about… Gojo wasn’t even wearing a shirt.

y/n sat up on the bed, his back to the headboard as he looked down at Gojo, just silently admiring him. Some days he woke up worrying he wouldn’t even see his love again, after days, hell, weeks without seeing him—just so he can protect others. He knew it was an irrational fear—He was the strongest jujutsu sorcerer after all, and he always bounced back from any situation. But the fear never ceased—only dissipating when Gojo was with him. 

Maybe that’s why they allowed themselves to go overboard, like last night—maybe that’s why Gojo always indulged him. He knew that fear was there—and it was reasonable given his line of work… So maybe it would give him some comfort.

“y/n, you’re staring.” Gojo teased, bringing his lover out of his thoughts

“I can’t help it Satoru, you’re beautiful.” y/n’s hands found themselves in Gojo’s snowy hair, his gaze lost in those ocean-blue eyes. His words came out almost thoughtlessly, though his lover was all he was thinking about.

y/n didn’t miss the way Gojo blushed at his sudden compliment, chuckling to himself.

“Aww, am I making the great Gojo Satoru blush?”

The blue eyed sorcerer simply laughed, pulling his boyfriend so that he landed on top of him in an awkward position.

Satoru shushed him before he could complain, laughing as he did so. 

“You flatter me, you really do.” he said, all high and mighty like he made himself to be—before lowering his voice to a whisper, “You’re handsome yourself, I hope you know that,” he planted a soft kiss on his cheek.

The smaller man became flustered.

“I… I appreciate that Satoru but did you really have to throw me onto you like this to tell me??” 

“Nah, I didn’t have to but, I just thought it’d be funny.” 

y/n sighed, rolling his eyes. He had to remember that it wasn’t his choice to fall in love with such an idiot—but rather his fault. He could live with that fault.

“Don’t give me that look—I really just want you close to me.” He whined, it was clear as day how needy the man was to have his boyfriend close.

So you two stayed there—enjoying each other’s warmth, in your lack of clothes and messy bedsheets. 

[muniimyg]

I've never written an ask for any author on this app so this is a first for me (and I'm really shy and the anon option is off so it's a bit 🥹) but I really need to voice my thoughts and feelings

I just binge-read bbydaddy and I'm still sobbing so hard rn you have no idea. It's 4am rn and I have to wake up at 7 but I literally cannot stop crying. Adding to this, I did not reblog every chapter bc I didn't want to spam (don't know if I should have☹️) but I absolutely loved every single one. I did reblog jk's birthday bc it was the breaking point for me lol. After reading chapter 17 I thought that was it bc 18 was not showing on the masterlist yet so I read the next thing

When jk wishes for time as he blows the candles I immediately thought about the ending of chapter 16. Him blaming time in chapter 16... the thing he wished for... oh god I'm still crying as I write this. The fact that the thing he wished for was the thing he ended up blaming for what happened between them... heartbreaking

The way you treated the theme of time touched a very sensitive part of my poor little heart. I can relate sooo much to jk and every word that was written after his wish was just adding tears to my eyes bc I felt him so much. It's so hard to grasp the concept of time but the way you described how jk felt and thought about it was just beautiful. And then the rolex as a gift and her words promising him forever and and and 😭😭😭 honestly the best work and the best writing style I've ever seen on this app and I'm not exaggerating at all. I mean, I'm even writing this and I swear I'm so shy I have never written an ask 🥹🥹😭but you are so good I just had to

Also, jk as a dad ☹️❤️‍🩹 but jk as zion's dad ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹☹️☹️☹️🥹🥹 must be one of my favourite portrayals of him. I also loved her so so much, both of their characters felt so real and human, their traits and even more their flaws. You really brought them to life in such a unique and heart-wrenching way. I loved how they still loved each other through their ups and downs.

The smut as well was so intimate at times I was just thinking about a tweet I've seen on here saying something like how some authors are able to write sex scenes so full of lov, and you are one of them. I love love love when writers write smut in a way that you are able to see and feel how in love the characters are

I also stalked your page a little and I might binge read something else (not rn bc it's 5am lol this took so much time to write) bc everything looks great! Adding to this, I wanted to ask if it's okay to reblog everything as I read or if you would prefer not to spam your works

Sorry for the long rant and possible mistakes, I feel all over the place rn and I think this too is all over the place. I just needed to tell you how amazed I am by your writing skills and how much I loved bbydaddy, even more bc it turned into something so mind-blowing from such a small thing. I will be waiting for the last chapters ❤️🫶

my love,, u are my entire heart

ik it’s kind of an angsty story ,, but why did u cry so much bebe 😭 and u lost sleep ?!? PLEASE !!!!

i really appreciate the way u’ve expressed ur love for the time theme i gave them 😖 i think i’ve answered it in an ask before but i think a rlly great way to describe their love (at the moment) is; timeless but untimely

dilf jk 🤝 jk as zion’s dad … “must be one of my favourite protrayals of him / u really brought them to life in such a unique and heart-wrenching way” ,,, wow. thank u so much !!!

“honestly the best work and the best writing style” is a crazy thing to say 🧘🏻‍♀️ i’m so flattered and humbled with ur words and the amount of courage u gathered to send such kind and thoughtful feedback to me ,, there are not enough words for me thank u with 💛

oh and my favourite compliment … “some authors are able to write sex scenes so full of love, and u are one of them” .;.:.’-@-“/&:!. AAAAAAAHHHH ?!? this is insane. (tmi) i’m literally untouched and write smut out of pure delusion …. this means so much to me u have no idea how intense/funny/happy ur words made me !!!

thank u for all of this,, seriously. ur words and thots have given me so much joy and reassurance. i’m glad my work is able to reach and touch hearts like urs ✨

please reblog and send in as many thots as u want !! i love seeing how active and invested readers get and i’d love to hear more from u specially 🫶🏻

all the love,

kimi

[jonathan-samuel-smith]

Hello everyone, I come offering the outtakes from chapter 3 of my wip jondami arranged marriage au. I wrote them texting and i was talking with my mom and i realized "I could literally have written only a handful of texts and then alluded to them texting later in dialogue." But a lot of people like chatfics so here's what I got, most of it i'll be cutting.

Damian: Flight training Wed.? We could go for boba after.

Jon: Okay! I can’t sleep over tho.

Damian: That is fine.

Jon: Okay! Hey thanks for helping me with the piano and stuff. 

Damian: No thanks are necessary. I enjoy spending time with you.

Jon: 🙂 Goodnight!

Damian: Goodnight.

Damian went to bed and woke up at 4am as usual, did his morning training, ran with the dogs, and checked his phone.

Jon: Good morning! How did you sleep?

Damian: Uninterrupted for 6 hours, as I prefer it.

Jon: U only sleep 6 hours a night?

Damian: Yes. I microsleep during the day to keep well rested.

Jon: Oh. Is that some sort of assassin training thing?

Damian: Yes.

Jon: I’m hungry

Damian: Would you like me to order you some food?

Jon: U don’t have to do that! I will just get a banana

Damian: If you are sure. You should eat more than that.

Jon: I’ll get some yogurt too.

Damian: Good.

Damian thought it was odd that Jon kept texting him for non-urgent reasons, but he wasn’t displeased.

Jon: What are you gonna have for breakfast?

Damian: Khadi soup.

Jon: Ooo what’s that?

Damian: Yogurt as well. I assume you are not asking for the entire recipe. It is a tangy, spicy soup.

Jon: Interesting! I’d try it. Sounds good.

Damian: It is good. Many Americans think it is weird.

Jon: I don’t think it’s weird! [Jon is typing…]

Jon: What is your plan for today?

Damian: I have online classes for veterinary school. After that I will be volunteering at the animal shelter. 

Jon: How do online classes work with vet school? 

Damian: I have a few in-person classes and exams, and I have to have volunteer hours logged.

Jon: Cool! Sounds like a lot of work.

Damian: It is something I enjoy doing.

Jon: Then I am glad you are able to do it!

Damian stopped checking his phone so he could focus on his classes, and Jon did the same. 

Jon: Just got out of math. Math is so hard! Why did I think being a scientist was a good idea? T~T

Damian: You are being dramatic.

Jon: Yes. Do you not approve?

Damian: It does not bother me.

Jon: Cafeteria food is so bland :( 

Jon: GTG class again!

Damian: I have not tried it.

Jon: That class was so interesting! We are learning about thermodynamics. Damian: I’ve built my own internal combustion engine.

Jon: Oh, wow, cool! Can I see it?

Damian: I suppose. I will get you a picture when I get home from volunteering.

Jon: Okay! Have fun with the animals!

Damian: [Picture Sent]

Damian: Here it is. It powers the version of the batmobile that I built.

Jon: So. Cool. Can I show this to my teacher?

Damian: You cannot. 

Jon: Aw, OK. No problem!

Damian: [Picture Sent] Jon: OMG is that you at the animal shelter?

Damian: Yes. I am bottle feeding these kittens currently because the mother cannot breastfeed them.

Jon: Soooo cute! 😍

Damian: Yes, they are.

Jon: You, too!

Damian: Oh.

Damian: Thank you.

Jon: You look so happy!

Damian: I’m heading home now.

Jon: I’m already at home! Studying. Stu-DYING.

Damian: Needlessly dramatic, again.

Jon: Yep!

Jon: [Picture Sent]

Jon: Me with Krypto! And Kon. Kon says hi.

Damian: Tell him I said hello as well.

Jon: Done! Don’t you think we look cute too?

Damian: Yes, you and the dog. No comment on Kon.

Jon: 😂

Damian: I’m going on patrol now, Goodnight.

Jon: Goodnight!

[middle-earth-mythopoeia]

12, 19, 22, 23

Thanks for the ask! :) Someone else asked me 12, 19 and 22 as well, so this is for both of you.

The unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them:

Emeldir! It’s not that she’s unpopular, exactly. She’s just a female character in the Silmarillion, and she doesn’t appear very often at that, so all of this gets her thoroughly ignored. But I think she’s fascinating and I wish more people talked about her. (Goodness knows fans devote plenty of time and attention to male characters more obscure than she is.) I wrote a longer post about her here. There needs to be more about Emeldir!

Speaking of obscure characters—not unpopular per se, just obscure—I feel like people should pay WAY more attention to Miaulë. We need to talk about Miaulë. I love him. I’m obsessed with him. I will not rest until the whole world loves him as much as I do. I have a similar soft spot for Tevildo, and I’ve even tried justifying his inclusion in the later mythology. Which goes double for Miaulë. All hail Miaulë!

You’re mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

I don’t really feel shame—I just enjoy things! But horrified? That’s different! Once I stayed up until literally 4am deciphering a manuscript from the LOTR movies written in the mode of Beleriand (but in English, it’s not like I actually know Elvish). Keep in mind that I didn’t read the mode of Beleriand at the time—I’m way more comfortable with the Sindarin mode and I’m alright with the Quenya mode—and I was like, “Oh, this page is in the mode of Beleriand! Well, that won’t stop me!” And I chose the middle of the night to do this?! Anyway, AFTER all that, I found a link to the transcription. But it was a fun challenge.

AND THEN I decided to read this other manuscript in the mode of Beleriand, Thorin’s letter to Bilbo (this one was written by Tolkien himself). It was even harder, because not only is it in tengwar, not only is it in the mode of Beleriand, the handwriting is also very difficult in parts AND the spelling is weird. I had so much fun. And then I was like, “What the fuck is wrong with me?” (Note: I didn’t read it with a copy of the letter in English to refer to. Oh, no. That would have been too sane.)

This was in 2020. I’ve only gotten worse since then.

Another time someone asked me, “There seem to be a lot of twins in Tolkien’s books—are there more twins in Middle-earth than in the modern world?” And then I, myself a twin, determined to answer this question definitively, made an Excel spreadsheet of all named Tolkien characters and what percentage of them are twins, and I found that the number of twins in Tolkien is about the same as we have now, or lower, depending on which characters you count. But it’s not higher! So now we know.

Another time I saw a post saying, “But are we SURE that all of Tolkien’s male Elves had long hair?” So I opened my PDF of LOTR and did a word search for “hair” and looked at all the examples. And then I opened my PDF of the entirety of HOME and did another word search for “hair” (there were over 400 mentions) and also “locks” and other synonyms, and then I looked at EVERY SINGLE ITERATION in order to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Tolkien’s male Elves have long hair. Because I’m insane, but I’m also right.

Another time I spent literally hours trying to calculate how long it would have taken Fingon to reach Angband on foot when he set out to rescue Maedhros, depending on how far he travelled each day, etc. We’re talking actual math here. Measuring distances on the map of Beleriand. Entering different variables. I was very dedicated.

Am I normal? No. Do I feel shame? Also no. Do I sometimes horrify myself nonetheless? Yes I do.

Your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores:

I love this question. It’s hard to answer because I have so many favorite parts of canon that most people ignore. (Like the entirety of the Lays of Beleriand.) Admittedly, whether this is part of canon is debatable because it’s from the Book of Lost Tales, but I absolutely love this part. For context, Ælfwine and his companions had been looking for Valinor for years and had almost given up hope of ever finding it, and then this happens:

Then none spoke for wonder and amaze, seeing deep in the gloaming of the West a blue shadow, and in the blue shadow many glittering lights, and ever more and more of them came twinkling out, until ten thousand points of flickering radiance were splintered far away as if a dust of the jewels self-luminous that Fëanor made were scattered on the lap of the Ocean… Then came there music very gently over the waters and it was laden with unimagined longing, that Ælfwine and his comrades leant upon their oars and wept softly each for his heart’s half-remembered hurts, and memory of fair things long lost, and each for the thirst that is in every child of Men for the flawless loveliness they seek and do not find. 

It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to read this without getting chills, or without it bringing tears to my eyes. The blue shadows? The lights? The music? The flawless loveliness they seek and do not find? Tolkien captures such a bittersweet feeling in this passage that it’s actually excruciating, because we can’t go there. What happens next is that Ælfwine leaps from the ship and goes to Valinor, and his comrades never see him again. The reader, like Ælfwine‘s companions, is left behind—allowed to see the Undying Lands for just a moment, but never able to go there. The feeling I get from this is very similar to the feeling I get at the end of LOTR, when we catch a glimpse of Valinor through Frodo’s eyes—but that’s it. And even though it makes me sad, I love it so much and I wouldn’t wish that it be written any other way.

A ship you’ve unwillingly come around to:

Alcarondas. I don’t like the fact that Ar-Pharazôn tried to make war on Valinor, obviously, but the ship itself was pretty cool. (Sorry for answering this in such a chaotic way, but I couldn’t resist!)

[rawrtriesagain]

Long post incoming idk how to do Read More on mobile, sorry. Tldr: just a post abt my writing as usual and stuff about my interest in lwa (nothing crazy)

I know I talk abt my old fuckin fics all the fuckin time (like Jesus theyre old enough to be considered toddlers now) but anyway this is my vent blog and y’all will never hear the end of it so guess what still has an absolute GRIP over my mind after 3 years

Its forest of arcan- im jk its dreamer of stars lmaooo. I reread it right now for the funsies after months of forgetting abt it, and each time I read it I think “surely I am over this story and can move on with my life” and like the first half of the story its like yea I kinda am over it haha but then the second half just obliterates the thoughts and runs me over and I just lay in my bed and contemplate my life and go into like a State of Emotions and simply have to talk about it (but it also could be because its 4am at the time of writing this)

I do think it mostly has to do with nostalgia though. Truthfully I’m probably not able to write smth like that again because it was 100% written completely on emotion and quite actually everything bad Diana was feeling in the story was smth i was also going through so it was easy to… write a vent and disguise it as a fic LOL. But I was also running on the high of being in love with my best friend which also really easily translated to everything going on in the fic blah blah nobody remembers it but me so this means nothing to anybody and im being cringe and gay on main (not even my main)

ANYWAY the point of my babbling here is that honestly I miss having that intense amt of emotions that would spur that level of creative writing? Like yea forest of arcana (not updated in over a year) is fun and all but it definitely isnt written on a personal level like dreamer was. I also just genuinely miss writing lol and its like ok bitch why dont you write then and then its like good question why dont i?? I probably still enjoy writing more than i do drawing and i know my blogs say otherwise but the two mediums are both definitely different outlets for my life. Maybe i would change my mind the day my art is actually good tho 😛

Im laffing rn seeing me talk abt this “deep” different outlets of life cause like when u think abt it im also literally just Currently describing little witch fanfic and fanart since thats all i do LOL. Not that theres anything wrong with lwa being my Muse of course, but it just adds humor in whatever the emo hell im going on about

Another side sad mini vent but i dont think im as into lwa as i used to be which also waters down my interests in doing things, but im literally not interested in any other media or fandom rn either so lwa stays my hyperfixation. Plz dont be alarmed lol im not saying im NOT into lwa anymore since diana is still a fuckin god to me like 10/10 chara design and vibes, but its definitely not as strong as it was when i first joined the fandom 3 years ago. And you know what maybe it has to do with me not watching little witch academia in full in those entire three years after i first watched it lmao. Most of the friends ive made in the fandom are pretty much gone too which is sad but is what it is. Sometimes i get a burst of seratonin when i think about smth diakko and definitely like now when i reread my fics i also remember the Emotions i had for these Gays and it like floods back for a bit like a buff.

I think something im very interested in for both the spark of writing and also the revitalization for my love for diakko is that i wanna do like a oneshot slice of life series for diakko. Just something easy, cute, subjectively funny, and a vibe. I still fantasize abt diakko shenanigans even if mundane and i wish i could also capture it more in my art but im not at that level yet, so writing it is. First i probably need to rewatch lwa in full since ive forgotten most everything except for key diana scenes haha oopsie And sucy world episode that was a good fuckin episode.

Anyway thanks for reading this far if you did lol sorry for the LONG ASS NONSENSE POST. Sometimes i see how i type in my blog and to people and compare it to my writing and its like where the hell did my comprehensive english go. Sorry if this was just hard to read from the lack of grammar and punctuation but thats showbiz anyway stay tuned for the next diana content ttyl bffl rofl xD zomg

[susurrus-mxfluffy]

I’ve been doing a bit of writing—not The Guild way tho; if you get that ref, Ily and be sure to hydrate today—and it was only when I started reading my book to a friend of mine that I realized that I’d made some continuity errors.

It took me a lot to read it aloud, I’ll be honest. There’s a chapter or two that were written to force me to confront something awful that’d happened to me last year, and the fact that I’d the confidence to read it aloud absolutely astonished tf outta me. Much thanks goes out to my dear friend who not only gave me the confidence to read this, but also didn’t judge me when I had a bit of trouble reading Chapter 7 (or maybe it was also 8? Idfk lol)

Now back to my editing.

So what’d I do after finally having some time to fix my plot? I spent THREE FUCKING HOURS—started at like 4am and didn’t stop till 7–trying to fix my mistakes like a child trying to remove marker stains from a couch with a wet paper towel. Like I mean I literally could not stop until I’d manage to smooth this shit out.

Why am I like this? (four sweat smile emojis)

[reclusivedouche]

Riverdale 7x10 Thoughts

This episode is so gay holy shit!!

Okay, please understand Archie and Reggie are boyfriends god

And honestly Betty and Veronica, like come on that would work too

Basically that's how it ended up, how it should've been

Reggie and Archie must kiss

This episode was great because no Alice or Hal

Too much Frank

Fuck tho when Reggie came home all late and Archie did the dad talk fuck

The fanfiction I am currently writing in my head

I also love that they're not just glossing over the Betty and Reggie potential over the cars.

Really looking forward to the kissing next week lmao

Also a great no Julian episode. He sucks, like I get it but like he's only good to get punched

Love some Cheryl and Toni (and even Clay) even if it means we have to deal with Kevin, also

Seven seasons and I have never once, not once, liked Kevin

It's fine, his stories are always fodder for better storylines

Anyway

I do love how delicately they're doing Cheryl and Toni this season. Everyone's one true OTP hahaha

Love to learn Brad Rayburry had a black wife down south.

I love that she showed up and gave good evidence of not suicide

She was so cute

Jughead and Tabitha are so cute

Idk why tf y'all are so mad this is still in the 50's like??

This season is peak, so so good

And fun??? Sorry but the last few season, tho good have been kind of a slog

whatever tho that's just me

I am concerned Tabitha is leaving again because we need a Jabitha kiss asap???

Lest we forget:

My absolute favorite moment omg I'm still thinking about how great it was

Like yes it was sad, of course, but like it's great for the story

Why does no one like this show for the story like when are you ever given something this bonkers

This is literally written by people from the Glee writer's room like

You all loved that shit but?

Whatever

I am annoyed we did not get to actually see Fang's concert. Even just a few screens like we just get him singing tuttie fruttie or whatever while he walks to Midge bc ofc he is famous now

Or gonna be

Look tho, Fangs is great this season. He is looking fine af

And like

He and new Midge have great chemistry

I'm sure this plan for him being famous is definitely going to smooth over the pregnancy for Midge's parents like

I'm here for it tho, I cannot forget the frogs pregnancy test, which is real

I'm also again glad Alice was not in this episode as she is literally my mother (this season specifically) so I cannot

Hear me out, tho - if the next episode is Halloween, I mean Julian has to dress up as like the doll?? Like he has to??

I bring this up bc Halloween is my mother's birthday so it applies

It is almost 4am and I should go to bed but like

Why?

Archie and Reggie wrestling in the ROAD

Just kiss

I get that's the straight man's "kiss" but like

Also out here Pops is just giving these kids everything always?

lmao a car to Reggie

Either way, they just need to take one of the cars up to lovers lane so things can get steamy bc

We cannot do anything with Uncle Frank around??

Again, I must ask, what were he and Hal doing that they both showed up in Betty and Archie's rooms during the peep show AT THE SAME TIME

Gay shit

Or KKK things maybe? Yikes. Idk what older white men of this season are doing but

it is gross and I hate it

The full on lack of adults in this episode was perfect also more of that please

Again, I cannot overstate this, but this 50's thing should last most of the season because it is fun and enjoyable and the story is gonna end how it ends so why be stressed

It's so good, I will not get off this soapbox ever sorry

Don't @ me either

Goodnight

[pearlydewydrops]

finally finished obit and i’m stunned!! this book + i remain in darkness (which i have not finished…) paired together is painful. i feel very tired out and like i need a shower to cleanse myself now (that may also be because ive been reading this book for like 4 hours couped up in my bed). victoria chang says something about ‘sadness is plural, but grief is singular’ and that is so very true because her depiction of grief in this book is so unique and these individual moments that grief hits expressed through the figurative deaths of various objects, metaphorical beings, concepts and people all culminate into a beautiful and fragmented journey of her grief over her mother’s death. the final obituary is the only literal death described in the book, apart from her mother’s, which was the Parkland high school shooting that happened on february 14th 2018 (as i searched it up), although, the event that occurred on that date isn’t specifically stated in the book for good reason. May they rest in peace and i thought that was a beautiful way to end the book. it all felt so natural - the repetitive format and how all these obituaries feel like an incredibly heavy-handed diary (like a designated grief journal?). the book ends with a final poem that doesn’t end in a metaphorical sense, it’s an endless poem of hope hope hope (‘see how the mouth stays open?’ she writes as the final line) dedicated to her children. i didn’t notice the connection between the poems and the obituaries in the book but i noticed that a lot (maybe all?) of the poems were of victoria chang talking about her children

also weirdly this part of the book rlly reminded me of the image of sitting at the top of the bunk bed of my grandparents (not new but new for me since it was my first time visiting it last year in december) apartment in singapore. i imagine these two scenes to be wildly different cause the writer isn’t even sitting on a bunk bed 😭 but idk the image of sitting at the top of the bunk bed looking down at the many many streetlights through the small open window that only i could see from (yes this did make me feel special compared to my sister, actually i don’t even remember if she had a window on the bottom bunk maybe she did but i don’t think so) at 4am because their (new but not new) apartment was sooooo hot and cramped im not even joking when i say that opening the window was the only thing saving me from passing out (i kinda rlly miss their old apartment but its ok :(( ) and the veryvery white light illuminating through the gap at the bottom of the door from the bathroom whenever my grandpa would take bathroom breaks while watching the football game (i think he goes for arsenal?) is all still so fresh in my mind yet already nostalgic-feeling. it might just be nostalgic because i was feeling sad at the moment and was romanticising looking out an apartment window while im the only one awake woooweee…. but i miss itttt (even tho i was sorta kinda shitting on my grandparent’s new apartment a second ago i still loved it so much i wanna go back for a visit eugh) none of this added to what i was talking about with the book i’m really just saying anything because i am no good at analysing and evaluating books and beautiful writing BUT i will say

i love any piece of art that depicts grief in a lyrical, quiet yet passionate way. i’m scared for the day i have to experience my own intense grief but something about the way its written when its written WELL is fascinating and strangely comforting in a way no other concept of a feeling is (moreso comforting when the person has a good support system). idk why but it is

…my parents are back home now from work and i have to take a shower and study so i’ll just leave these scrappy notes here i guess… ??

(also this whole book reminds me that i don’t think i’ve ever read an obituary in my life. i admittedly didn’t even know what it was until i searched it up 😭😭 maybe i’m too young 😭)

[hard-core-super-star]

hwjskksksdhwj well, at least after that I went straight to sleep, I just wanted to answer you so.... I'm starting to think that too lmao, let me do a test. the time I sent you this was 11am or something close to that? I was going to say something like this only happened once, but since we started talking you're always right 😭 stop always being right, I beg you. in this case: anon, rubix is ​​actually gatekeeping because what she's doing is working, so you can forget your tutorial, sorry.

I'm already that predictable to you? 😔 stop kahsjakka I don't believe someone can literally be right all the time. okay you already got your second star too, now we both have two stars, happy now? and did you really go see the amazing spider-man? yep, I think we can this time, but I still don't know if it would really be narcissism.... noooo come back kahekwkaksk I was actually trying to make a joke like that but what came out was “pure madness” lmao, the joke was good, you're fine!!

what??? I gave you a star, even though you didn't know it in this message yet, but I did!!! when it comes to compliments I....? I think we agreed to finish the sentences now. lmao, it sounds like a good plan, but now I wonder what those more obvious things you would tell me would be. I don’t know if I should agree with the fact that I noticed that you’re not discreet and then you say “excuse me!!?!?!???” again hdjajswkwk. WAIT why are you calling me out now???? I'm going to finish the sentences!

since you're the one saying it, I'll take it as a compliment. well, I'm not assuming you're going to talk about these thoughts now and I'm not excited to see what you have in store. I wasn't thinking that maybe you could drop your @ on tktk because that way we could talk about alpha!kate and I could ask questions and you could answer without leaving possible spoilers here...

I don't think I'm going to run out space because if you really send two per message- I mean, so far I've only gotten the obvious ones, which were written on my face. but I appreciate your faith in me 😶

I feel you! I automatically start to panic with: tough, though, thought, through, thorough and throughout LIKE WTF????? 😭😭 kdhjsakk it's funny to see a writer saying she hates grammar. why a 15th birthday party being something so big and different from others is still a mystery to me. don't mind me asking, but what did you like most there? ngl pronounce it the “American way”? lmao, and what would it be like to pronounce “carne asada” like that?? 🤔 (I've never tried chipotle but I want to stay away from any chiles). Kate annoying people in a friendly way is so real and precious 🥺 nooo, and then the awkward silence after she said something like that would be a reason for her not to speak for the next 20 minutes- to apologize I think yelena would do some acts of service, like, I can see her stopping being proud and apologizing, but her apologizing without necessarily saying it feels more right. or she'll be like those mothers who argue with you and don't apologize but make your favorite dinner hoping it works.

– 🌟

it's a good thing we don't take a long time to reply otherwise that would mean you went to sleep closer to 4am than 3am. once again, i can't be mad 'cause that means a lot...and it's adorable. your test was pretty accurate, it was 11:55 when you sent that message, now it's 2:15 but by the time i post this it'll probably be closer to 3. is this information important? no, i just wanted you to know. you got that right, thank you for admitting it where everyone can see. i know i should stop...but i can't ;) i think you should expand on this very necessary comment because how am i gatekeeping? i think there messages are the tutorial, tbh 😶

yup but it's a good thing, don't worry. kind of like how i'm predictable in terms of my references. maybe not all the time but i think i have a pretty good track record. i am incredibly happy, actually. now, let's see how long it takes you to start asking for a third star 👀 i wanted to but i didn't have time. i might watch this weekend, tbh. i think we should leave it open-ended because i'll get a headache if i think about it too much. aw, i didn't even leave and you were asking me to come back, do you really like me that much? but thank you for appreciating the joke, it made me laugh. and so did yours, tbh.

yes, i know that now not when i wrote that so therefore my complaint still stands. once again, we agreed to that after this message so that's not my fault. buuuut since you seem to be so interested…when it comes to compliments, you give really good ones that make me want to say stupid things in response. i think the sentence before this one will give you a pretty clear idea of what those more obvious sentences would be like. i think you saying this counts as you agreeing. i would be offended but you don't seem to be upset about how not discreet i am so no harm done. i’ll believe it when i see it 👀

great, that's how i meant it. i certainly don't have thoughts i was going to spill but then i got distracted by the suggestion you didn't give. are you not saying you would be willing to reveal your tktk just so i won't share some more alpha!kate thoughts? ‘cause i’m tempted to not say that no one would read said spoilers but clearly, that's a wrong assumption. so…[as offended that i am that you didn't suggest tktk instead of insta] i won't give you a little math problem to find my tktk. take my username on here, delete the - in between the words, and add 19. i certainly won't be there if you want.

i guess time will tell…and my braincells ‘cause sometimes i can't remember the references i want to make.

akkskdkdk YES! my brain hurts just looking at those words. yeah, it's certainly not usual but it's true 🤷 same, it's one of the many traditions i’ll probably never understand. i’m going to give you the honest yet dorky answer…the architecture and the museums. and when i say architecture i don’t even mean things like the Louvre or anything, i mean like the random apartment complexes. it's just…you can feel the history when you walk around. that probably makes no sense but yeah. i can't even attempt to spell out the sounds that come out of gringos when they try to say anything remotely close to spanish lmao. it’s a little more bearable in California but like 🙃 right??? she's genuinely so annoying sometimes but in a really cute way, i can't explain it. kate’s like a baby overthinker. she reacts way faster than she thinks but then once she realizes what she did/said, she’ll think about it non-stop. oh for sure. i don't think yelena would verbally apologize but she’d acknowledge kate’s feelings through actions. and they don't even have to be something big for it to feel huge in kate’s eyes. like maybe yelena just silently encourages kate to go on and on about some archery related thing and kate’s like 🥹

[dzpenumbra]

7/28/23

Alright. 3AM and here I am. I got a full night's sleep last night. Waking up and seeing the afternoon light was a relief. I'm hoping that will soon be... a thing of the past.

Let me elaborate. I had therapy today. I timed the start of my day so that I didn't do yoga or anything before therapy, I actually pretty much started my day with it. I did dishes and broke out my brand new teapot to make a pot of jasmine tea. I thawed some frozen strawberries - this bag unfortunately was not a great batch. I ate a bowl of cereal and played Mini Motorways for a bit. But the big thing was... I started my day with therapy.

The teapot... was a bit of a mistake, to be honest. Not in getting it, it will be a perfect addition when I finally do literally anything social in-person at my house. Something I had given up on ages ago in the past. But... what noticed today was that... just drinking two cups of tea was... too much. I got too much caffeine in my system from just two cups of tea. How fucking crazy is that. After only a couple days of not even a cold-turkey caffeine detox, just cutting down from a pot of black coffee to one cup of tea. The difference was staggering. I guarantee 2 weeks ago I could've drank the entire pot of tea and barely felt anything.

So, that's a thing I need to be mindful of. I made a point to go into therapy without a plan today. I was curious to see what would come out of it naturally. Unsurprisingly, some stuff from my journal entry last night about my social anxiety and panic and its origins/maturation and all that came up. But a surprising amount of stuff about... sleep. My lack of sleep, sleep interruption, my sleep schedule, what I've historically done about sleep. He made sure to be very delicate about it, but was urging me to try to bring my sleep schedule back a bit. And honestly, I want to. I genuinely don't know what's holding me back.

I say this at 3AM. 3AM is a very normal time for me to be awake. I just spent like 15 minutes in my kitchen cleaning my stove and washing dishes, and I had to actively stop myself. These late-night/early morning hours are very unique, hours that the layman rarely sees at any point in their life. Fucking think about that, how weird is that? The average person, in fact... the vast majority of people... can go their whole lives and only see between 2-4AM a handful of times. On super rare occasions, like being sick or having nightmares or if they have an infant child that needs care, or in extreme emergencies, or a super quick bathroom sprint. And I've seen that entire stretch from midnight to dawn every fucking day for well over 4 years. Every day. It's where almost every one of these journal entries was written, it's where a lot of my artwork has been made.

So... why? Why? XD Why do I sleep during the day... and stay up until dawn? I. Don't. Know.

I legit asked my therapist directly to please help me explore this next week. I honestly don't know. I'm struggling to connect the dots. Is this a thing like, "well, I just drink caffeine, don't ask me why... it's just what I do"? Is it because it's insanely quiet and still - like just the sounds of the occasional cricket or the rare nocturnal hunt? Is it because everyone else is asleep, and I'm... avoiding them? Meaning like... I finally have the world to myself and won't be bothered? ... I don't know, because I really don't have the world to myself... I have to be super quiet during the night. It's one thing to be loud and shit during the day... it's a whole other ball-game to disturb your neighbors at 3AM. Am I afraid of going to sleep in the dark? Genuinely unsure on that one. I don't really feel like I am. And I have night lights... I think it might just be... unfamiliar. Like working out was.

Here's an interesting thought I had earlier... am I sleeping during the day because that's when people aren't in the building? ... Like... everyone is away during the day, at their jobs or school or whatever. So... that's the time when the building is the emptiest. Can I like... sense (subconsciously) the presence of this many people in close proximity to me? And like... maybe when I'm sleeping, do I feel safer when I'm around less people? It's an interesting angle, but I don't know.

Or is it really not this complicated. I really think it might be as simple as... I'm just not used to sleeping at night. And I really have no dire need to be awake at a certain hour... Though it would be convenient, I would have plenty of time to skate, without having to rush. I could take day trips to the lake or the beach or go explore weird hippie shops and shit. I could go on adventures. I could go be out in the world! But when am I going to do 4-hours straight of painting? How do I fit that into my day, too?

Yeah, maybe there isn't some big subconscious reasoning. Maybe it's just... what I got used to. Maybe dawn is the only marker because... its the only timekeeper I listen to. When I see 4AM, it doesn't mean much to me. When I see the sun coming up, I go... "oh shit, yeah, I gotta wrap it up." I guess kinda like what sunset is for a lot of people.

So yeah, maybe this is just a matter of habit. Just a super big and super broad habit.

I had to remind myself today that in 2019, I was living in a house with 11 other people. I was sharing a room, first with one other person almost 10 years older than me, then with 2 people 10 years younger. It was super alien and uncomfortable and I struggled with it a lot, but I managed to make it work enough to function and adjusted surprisingly quickly. I had some sleep struggles there, but only because I was staying up until 2AM. That's peanuts compared to what I'm doing now. Back then, I was waking up at around 8 or 9 so I could make a 10AM appointment 2 times a week. But I was steadily waking up in AM. And that was not that long ago... it was only... 4... years ago... Damn, the pandemic really fucked up time, didn't it.

So... I guess a lot of my big dramatic problems are... still residual pandemic problems. Scared to be in close proximity to other people, and kinda masking that as... don't want to be "overwhelmed emotionally"... or "don't want to involuntarily do something to offend people". Maybe my panic brain is bringing that shit out because it knows I'll listen. When really... it's "I don't want to get sick and die." Because... people just don't talk about the virus anymore, like it just doesn't fucking exist. Like it just went away. And I don't have social interactions, so... I'm kinda... frozen in time? And I never evolved new social habits because... I don't have anyone else built in to practice with. So... I guess I'm kinda still in quarantine, kinda?

I mean... I'm vaccinated so I don't really know what I'm worried about. I'm just... I haven't really been to any kind of in-person thing involving more than just family members in almost 4 years. I've been to doctors, I've been to therapy, I've gone to dinner with family. I don't know, I haven't like... hung out with a group of people since before the pandemic. And it's super alien, and... that same word keeps coming up over and over and over - overwhelming. The idea of it is overwhelming. But I crave it so much. And it's essential for my personal and professional growth.

I used to go to concerts at small venues where you'd just be packed in there like sardines, feeling the energy of the crowd. Now? No way in hell I'd do that. I might stand on the side by the wall and listen to the music... Huh... Maybe this is pandemic shit.

I've been trying to put this in context of why I have been skipping and kinda avoiding... excusing myself... from going to these regular live model drawing sessions at the art collective a block away from my apartment. I've known about and missed 2 drawing sessions and a small concert to raise money for flood victims. Let me just uncork the old noggin real quick and unload all the reasons I came up with to not go. So I can hear how exaggerated (I wanted to say "stupid" but I'm really trying not to beat myself up so much) they are.

I didn't want to go because I haven't done figure drawing, let alone figure drawing from life... in a very long time. Like... since college. I did some figure drawing studies in 2020 and 2021, from photographs. I haven't done figure drawing from life since college. And... yeah, honestly? I think that's the big bad one. I'm a tiny bit self-conscious about how I smell because I stopped wearing deodorant like 6 years ago, it kept fucking with my skin and I don't like the idea of putting weird chemicals into my skin when I don't really know what effects they'll have, especially for cosmetic purposes. But I'm really not that concerned about that one, I mean... if I'm wearing beads and hemp jewelry, you can expect a little B.O. and you can get the fuck over yourself, you stink too. We all do. And I make sure I shower and perfume very soon before being around people, so I really don't think that's an issue, it's never been brought to my attention as being a big one. I am a bit self-conscious about my skin condition. It's like acne, but all over my scalp to varying degrees, in addition to some face acne. I have been self-conscious about this for a while. But I just can't bring myself to wear a hat to hide it. I just can't allow myself that crutch, it feels like giving a loaded gun to my shame. And I've been going out regularly and honestly, once I get out there I really don't think about it. On my last walk, I had mosquitos fucking gravitating towards them because they're like radar beacons of heat, but I passed by several people and the insecurity really didn't linger in my head more than a fleeting thought. If someone's going to judge me for something I can't help, when I can't even get a doctor's appointment until December? They can fuck off. I've been a little afraid that I might... be socially awkward? From just... lack of practice... But my therapy sessions prove that completely wrong... and my interactions with the girl who works for the building and the maintenance guy prove that wrong. And streaming does too. And my passing body-language interactions with people in the world prove that wrong. I'm just... kinda in my own world out there. But not in an anti-social way. In the way that a 7 year old is in their own world, because they're just utterly fascinated by the shape of these leaves over here... or this rock they found... but if you approach them, they're cool with chatting. Hell, they'll tell you all about it! So... I'm not so much insecure about my ability to communicate... I'm just worried that I won't make the most out of the opportunity. That I will meet some people but... not connect, not have it turn into friends. Because I'm too passive. I don't know.

So... of all of that... I think the insecurity about my drawing ability... and my insecurity with being too passive and just sorta... being at the school dance but standing on the sidelines and waiting for someone to approach me? Because I'm a bit shy...? Those are the big ones. The others are kinda just fleeting thoughts. How to address this? If I make figure drawing an anatomical study... or a study of breaking down the body into simple interrelated shapes... I could go on, you get what I mean? If I make this a study... rather than... I'm here to show these people my chops... as though I have to... impress them or something? First impression moments, man... that's gotta be what this is. Ugh... But yeah, if I focus on treating this as an opportunity to learn about anatomical structures... like trying to draw the person's skeleton rather than their skin... or their muscle structures in certain parts of their body that are flexed or rotated when they're in specific poses. Or just breaking down complex forms into simpler shapes so I can sorta... develop gestural shortcuts for future figure drawing... Then this can be sort of an... autodidactic class. A class where I'm teaching myself. Not just me showing up and being this incredibly talented artist and drawing the person and then people look at it and go "wow, that's really good" and I get embarrassed and proud at the same time. Good lord, engaging with these anxieties is so fucking important, this paragraph has turned me completely 180 on this. I absolutely can see the value in going to that drawing session now, it's worth well more than $15 for 2 hours. Plus, I get to potentially meet new people.

See... that's what I did. I put too much emphasis on meeting new people and making a good impression. If I have a secondary goal... I can come out of there with a win no matter what. Not that it's winning or losing... but I hope you know what I mean. If I go there with the exclusive goal of making new friends... there's a good chance that even if it goes well, I might not make a new best friend. And that puts a ton of invisible pressure on myself and on other people, that they're not even aware of. I really should be going for the experience. And make an effort to socialize. But really... just get an experience.

Goddamn. I'm just like... the concept of walking up to a stranger, or a group of strangers, at a trivia night at a bar? That shit is so fucking alien to me right now. I just immediately get a huge reflex that just starts laughing at the absurdity of that. Me. Walking up to a beautiful woman at a bar and asking to buy her a drink. XD Right... I'm in the corner booth sitting crosslegged on the bench seat drawing zentangles on a coaster. That's the character I am. I don't like being that forward. It makes me uncomfortable.

And yet... I rely on others to be that forward... Figure that one out... XD

I'm just gonna explore this one before I turn in, I really want to get a shower in before I go to bed. The time before last at the skatepark, a kid came by. I say kid, he was probably in his early 20's. He was on the other side of the park the entire time. I had headphones in, he had headphones in. He stayed on his side of the park, I stayed on mine. (To be fair, the only obstacles I wanted to skate were on the side I was on.) We didn't speak the entire time. We barely made eye contact. Can I... challenge myself... next time I'm at the skatepark... to go up to someone specifically for the purpose of saying hi? To introduce myself? I mean, I wave to passersby a lot. I smile a ton. I feel like I'm approachable enough. I wonder if I could challenge myself, set some goals... to like... go up to strangers and introduce myself and get to know something about them. Without "being weird" about it, since that keeps popping up in my head.

I did not grow up with good role models for this. But I know how to do it. I've done it in the past. And I really need to remember this part. I have done it in the past and it did not go poorly. It's just very alien to me, and it's not something I have really identified as behavior I would do. Like sending food back at a restaurant, or returning something I bought, or getting something fixed by my landlord. They are things that I am capable of doing logistically, in action, but they are not comfortable actions. They are things I do very rarely, and they feel... risky? They feel liable to upset people. And... my compassion gets hijacked by my self-protective anxiety and goes "oh, you really shouldn't upset those people, it's not that bad." Like the creaky floorboards.

That same "protective" voice says "don't be weird and go over and bother that kid." Because a 36 year old skateboarder saying hi and introducing himself and complimenting another skateboarder is... weird... apparently... and will upset them? Okay, let me turn the tables then... if a 45 year old skateboarder came up to me and complimented me, would I think it was weird? No... I would make a new friend. I'm just... I guess this is where the trauma comes in... I'm aware now that not everyone reacts the same way. And a lot of people in my life... A LOT of people... reacted in ways that did not make sense. And my compassion... got confused, and now kinda short-circuits and struggles to read peoples' reactions properly and tries to play it safe? I guess? Like... "this could go really well, it could be just a normal everyday human interaction, or it could go really bad. Really bad is the new one, we didn't know it could go like this, but god fucking damn did we learn. So... is the benefit worth the potential cost? It is worth the risk? To upset them? To hurt them?" And the answer comes out to be... "play it safe, avoid. Just smile from a distance and let them make the first move."

You know what they say. All great things come from playing it as safe as possible and not taking any risks at all. (That's sarcasm, in case you couldn't read the tone, it's actually the opposite.)

Man... Social anxiety and trauma can get so fucking weird when they mix. Weird because... the logic doesn't appear to make sense... but in the context of the narrative of my outlandish traumatic experiences... it makes a convincing enough argument to end up like this. Welp, the good news? ... Isn't that what gospel means? Good news? XD Welp, here's an excerpt from the Book of DZ for the day - I have made enough progress in developing my self-awareness to be able to detect these... hang-ups? Insecurities? Limitations? I don't even really have a good word for them. Challenges, I guess? And, more recently, I can actually... see myself performing healthier, more social actions. Well, I can see a hypothetical person doing these things. Like I can write stage directions and script a scene where a person that I would be playing would walk up and introduce himself at the skatepark. "Hey, you're really consistent with that tre flip. Is that a favorite trick of yours? Oh, my names _____ by the way." I've done it before, too. I just really wish... I felt excited to have those interactions... rather than dreading them.

Back around college graduation and the few years following, I used to do this thing I called "emotional alchemy"... where I would try to take the physical sensation of stage fright and channel it directly into excitement. Into pure, excited, "I'm pumped" excitement. I'd be back stage just like jumping around and moshing with my bandmates and putting all that adrenaline into exuberance. I have no idea where I got that idea from. But it worked.

Maybe I need to re-learn how to embrace the adrenaline. Embrace the excitement. The Ace of Cups. That's it. The Ace of fucking Cups. The gigantic burst of emotions that you get on a first date. Or a first kiss. Or your first speech in front of a crowd. Or, for the fellow recluses out there, going to the fucking grocery store. XD Or riding on a subway train or something.

This is the last thing, I promise. I mentioned this in therapy. This idea that like... what I'm dealing with are just big emotions. Intense feelings and they can get really sensory overwhelming. But it honestly hasn't been that bad recently. Walking yesterday was not bad at all. At all. Very little, if any overwhelming anxiety. I was just... joyous and childlike. But there's something about the Ace of Cups that just... throws me off. Like I'm afraid of a giant surge of ANY emotion. As though... they're bad. Because of how intense they are. Oooo oh, like how I'm kinda... if I were to find a romantic partner, I would really... need to easy my way into any form of physical contact. And I mean... even hugs. Because of how much of a fucking sensory overload it is. It makes my entire body seize up, literally. I wince. So... there's a reflexive component to this... like preparing yourself to dip into an ice-cold river. It's not going to hurt you, it's not bad... in fact, it can even be good... but it's a shock to the system. Like eating a slice of cake when you haven't eaten sugar in 5 years. Or drinking two cups of tea instead of one today. XD

So... I guess my approach here is to reassure myself that the shock to the system is not that bad, as long as you just relax and ride it out and try to just... see it as another experience. An intense life experience. And in a way, I would like to end up in a place where I am... in an odd way... grateful that I get to experience the little things in life that people all around me take so... for granted... that I get to experience these things so fully.

I go walking and I'm am constantly in awe. I think I'm the only person out in the city walking around and looking up. The architecture is very interesting and alien to me. And the lighting effects of light reflecting off brick and cast iron and other different materials. And the engineering and artistry. And so many different types of plants, in so many unique different types and growth configurations. And the constant flow of water in the river, and just picturing the currents and thinking of how long it took for the rocks to erode. And god, seeing animals is so lovely, I miss it so much and cherish it every time I get to. Birds, rabbits, beavers. I love that experience. And I really do feel blessed that I have reached a point in my personal growth to be able to genuinely appreciate and find joy in so many things. It makes every day an adventure. This overwhelm is just a byproduct of me... experiencing life with the gain turned way up. And sometimes it feels like a lot, even when it isn't bad or harmful. It's just... a lot. So... I'm trying to be self-compassionate about that limitation, but also remind myself that emotional overwhelm isn't necessarily harmful, and subsequently... doesn't necessarily need to be avoided for "personal safety".

Okay, 4:30... still gotta read this back. Not bad. Might even make it to bed before daybreak.

[bubsub69]

Entry 1

entries 1-13 were written pre-tumblr

12/05/2023 4:08

4am what better time to start a diary, who knew waking up for 9am classes and then at noon on the next day and then 9am etc could fuck up your sleep schedule.

But yeah… why start a secret encrypted diary now? the first one i've ever made? idk, im just tired and afraid and sick of being lonely and touch starved and all the other stuff

Definetely didnt help to scroll through r/niceguys and seeing the I'm 21 kissless virgin that was bullied and ignored by girls that isnt sexist and racist and doesnt do drugs and thinking wow its literally me and then it being followed by females owe me sex the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/niceguys/comments/12n0m5q/ngvc_im_not_a_sexist_but_females_owe_me_sex/

cause you know… what if i become like this, what if i become an even bigger nuisance than i already am and/or fuck up my chances of ever finding someone, it's especially worrysome that i felt bad for some of the guys, you know simpathizing with the kind of people that call women whores for not wanting the nice guy, cant believe i went to the subreddit because of the omoriboy soy parody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahPdX90_6jg).

And then there's the someone i found ish just gonna call her D She replied to my post on the femdompersonals subreddit and it was pretty close to love at first sight, but probably very one sided, i mean shit she was now moving from the us to porto what better luck could i want. But she's been very busy, especially with the moving, it took from her texting me on the 26 of april to the 7th of may just to have a 1 hour call.

And boy that call was something, i literally think it was the only time i was genuinely happy in like.. i dunno a month? a year? more? i couldnt even sleep that night, i really needed that call cause i thought she was just fucking with me at that point, you know pretending to be interested and catfishing me for something but no i got a 1 hour call and she even showed me her face at the end, i was kinda expecting something sexual but no it was just getting to know each other which is fine for a first call, she's a really cool and interesting girl, i did think it was weird she just went to walk her dog mid conversation but i guess its something that cant wait, it probably had to pee as well.. maybe it was actually nice of her not to hang up on the call while she was walking the dog.

But yeah i'm kind of back at square one, shes not busy with moving but she has a million hobbies apparenly that she balances with her work and learning a new language and all that stuff, shes had a non specified workshop and a ceramics class as excuses which.. yeah im doubting if shes actually doing, i even commented wow you have a lot of hobbies which i was scared of doing cause i didnt want to imply shes lying even if i have the gut feeling she is, and it makes me feel awful to not trust her, but honestly i think i'd be fine with all that if she just put some initiative in texting, literally the only time she texted first was for a link to a game that she didnt even comment on, really makes ya wonder is she doing some 'woman games™' or just fucking with me or just seeing how far she can push me.. fuck i am becoming an incel, cause you know its the classic i have a life outside of you, you cant just expect me to make time for you everyday but fuck maybe the first call was a bad ideia cause now i just crave more, i seriously think theres some potential here but not if she doesnt have time for me, which im obviously not entitled to but ofc i still want it.

im just so scared of texting her, if i do it too often i might annoy her, if i dont do it enough she might forget about me.. i dont even know whats worse, i tried texting every other day but that also seems like too much, i dunno do i just wait for her to text me and make a call appoinment, it also kind of doesnt help i dont even know her name or age, granted she doesnt know my name either but yeah its another layer of anonymity that i want to get rid of, maybe i should try on the weekend, its when we had the call and she might have time, we'll see

She did kind of mention meeting up one day, dont know if she was just being nice of something, but i just wish i knew how she feels about me, or just get some advice with texting her, i dont want to be disingenuous either and write what someone else tells me to, how do i balance being needy and not annoying.

and theres also the voice.. i'm honestly starting to worry im losing control to the self degrading voice i have inside me, that thing is real mean, its whats making me distrust her and shit, i even thought i 'defeated' it with the call but it just came back same as before. The youre useless and an annoyance and all those thoughts are kind of starting to worry me a bit, especially since the suicide thoughts are becoming a bit too common, im still far from it, im too scared to do it, but the first step of commiting suicide is having the reason to do it, and i also think im kind of becoming a psycopath, not in the edgy way its just ive become so apathetic lately, the 'mom would be sad' strategy doesnt work at all cause im so sick of her, between being annoying and not trusting me and being dumb and the shit she did to my cousin and kind of being blamed cause shes getting unknown disease cause of stress, ive kind of grown to hate her a bit i did cry a bit when i got my cousin's graduation ribbon (its a thing here, you write shit like good job and good luck), reading the only ribbon that i got that wasnt just generic garbage made me tear up a bit, not immediately just when i got home, and it didnt help when she hugged me and said if you ever leave pls take me with you, so yeah maybe im not apathetic i just hate my mother

There's also my cat, im kind of getting… idk sick of him too angry, it just feels like he doesnt like me sometimes, which is absurd he comes to greet me and only me when i arrive and hes actually been sleeping a bit with me tonight and yesterday, but the biting when i pet him is really annoying.. what am i saying its just cat stuff its normal. I am feeling kinda weird when i pet him and think damn i wish i was the one being petted (not by him ofc), you know just lying on girls lap and being petted, r/cuddle_slut really made me realize how fucking touch starved i am.

Or maybe i should just move on from her.. maybe she doesnt want that kind of relationship, i really dont want to start talking to someone else while im talking with her tough, feels real scummy, i kind of did that with someone on skype, i had a couple of sessions with her but she kind of stopped texting me as i was talking to D which was lucky, but in those sessions i had full video on and she didnt even use her voice so i guess its kind of fair, she was also the one that took the initiative texting so who knows maybe shes doing what im planning on doing, letting her text first which didnt really work out for her cause i didnt and now our last message is from the 28th. typing this really discouraged me from the let her text first and see what happens strategy, i guess ill settle for trying on the weekend tough this saturday i have the ribbon party so hopefully i have time and energy to call her

Maybe ill just try some keyholding, just to do something sexual that isnt just showing my junk and locking it or putting my finger in my ass for the skype girl, but the problem with keyholding is that it might take some time.. what if while im locked D wants to do something and i reveal i've been """unfaithfull""" i think im gonna wait a bit more for her i really want things to work out with her she just seems like a really cool person but im worried im too much of a loser for her, the very busy woman who managed commitees has a million hobbies and her boyfriend who's a stay at home gamer

I guess that's it for first entry, hopefully when I'm rereading this im in a better state, or maybe im showing this to my therapist or hey maybe even D or whatever her name is, overall not bad for a first diary entry i think, i got to rant a bit even if it was just on a keyboard, i think im gonna start writing here a bit, some non sad stuff as well hopefully

maybe ill dump this on some ai text and see what happens (garbage pretty much)

See you on entry 2 i guess.

PS wow its 5:15 was not expecting to spend an hour writing this

[tjskipping]

no one:

my brain at 4am in the fucking morning: hey what if you wrote a tyrus arranged marriage au and planned it out extensively in your brain even though you know you can't write it write now and then it's the only thing you think about for the next three months <3

[sitych]

CC! Dream x reader

Warnings: None (if you can find any please let me know!)

Prompt: “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” “I could say the same to you”

(I’d like to formally apologize for how shit the story is about to be, I haven’t written anything in a while so my writing might be a bit bad at first aswell as some grammar mistakes. Constructive criticism is welcome!)

Fucking schoolwork.

That’s all I had been doing for the past 3 days, barley sleeping or even leaving my room. It’s was exhausting to say the least. Clay got the bright idea for me to take a mental health break and now I was paying the price. The 4 day break put me behind on 5 essays, 3 math assignments, 1 major social studies test and an excessive amount of work from my journalism class. Clay had tried to help me get caught up but got caught up in planning George’s visit to America as well as is face reveal stream. Leaving me sitting here at 4am mid essay on why Alexander Hamilton played apart in the constitution.

A loud growling sound and a pain in the pit of my stomach broke me from my thoughts.

“Fuck, how long has it been since I ate” I questioned to no one in particular as I glanced at the clock.

Patches stirred in her sleep peeking one eye open and shooting me a tired glance from her place on the loveseat.

“That’s the last time I focus on myself, huh girl” I laughed scooping her up and waking to the kitchen

All that was heard was the soft patter of my socked feet and the open of a fridge door as I silently searched for anything that would silence the growling in my stomach. I looked down at patches smiling softly as I reached for the cream cheese sitting in the door of the fridge walking over to the toaster where the bread box sat. Silently pulling out the bagels and popping them in the toaster waiting for them to cook. I hopped on the counter with patches still in hand stroking her fur while softly smiling at her. It must be nice being able to sleep all the time without having to worry about what other kind of absurde essay your professor will throw at you next.

The click of a camera caught my attention, turning up to see clay standing with a huge grin on his face looking at the picture he had, presumably, just taken.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” I questioned cocking my head to the side sliding myself off the counter to look at the picture he’d taken.

Finally looking up from his phone he noticed how close I had gotten. He looked down to me and patches and shot me a smirk

A quiet “I could say the same too you” was heard as he showed me the picture of me and patches half asleep. He had set it as his Lock Screen. He was most defiantly going to post that on his private Twitter later, I could almost guarantee it.

“I’m trying to get caught up on school work since someone got the bright idea to take some days off.” I poked his arm while saying the last bit smiling up at him.

“Holy shit your still at that? How much can they assign in 4 fucking days?” He genuinely asked with a look of guilt on his face

“Apparently a lot” I laughed while returning to the toaster to retrieve my neglected bagel while adding “it’s mainly my journalism class though, I swear that professor has it out for me.”

He laughed, walking over to me, sliding his hands around my waist and burying his face into my back pressing a light kiss to my shoulder.

I smiled relishing in the feeling. We honestly haven’t had much time to spend with each other. With him and his streaming and my monstrous amount of schoolwork, the past couple days, we really haven’t even seen each other.

“You should come to bed” he murmured breaking the silence as I finished putting the cream cheese on my bagel.

“I wish I could Bub, but the Semesters almost over and I’m quite literally getting emails from my professors about how behind I am” I turned around noticing how his grip on me only slightly faltered but soon returned.

He frowned at me.

“But it’s lonelyyyyy” he whined, pushing his face into the crook of my neck.

“Trust me I know.” I frowned back. “You can come sit with me on the couch if you want. I just need to finish up and essay and math worksheet and then we can head to bed” I smiled running my hands through his hair and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

He wasn’t 100% satisfied at that answer but he didn’t disagree. Instead he picked up half of my bagel and took a bite from it while staring me down

“That was mine you prick.” I laughed slapping him in the arm with no real malicious intent.

“Oh cmon now, you know you love me.” The blonde mumbled then kissed me and took another bite out of my bagel.

“Sometimes I really question that.” I smirked while pushing him off and walking back into the living room where my laptop remained.

It’s safe to say that I barley finished my essay because of clay physically throwing himself on top of me every five minutes complaining that “the couch was uncomfortable” and how “his girlfriend doesn’t love him anymore” I had finally caved around 5:30 and migrated to the bedroom with clay following. I swear I have never seen that man so clingy

[mettywiththenotes]

It is 4am so sorry if this is nonsense but tonight I am thinking of the Eleven and Mike argument scene, because Mike’s behavior is once again so interesting

Mike: “Who said that I didn’t (love you anymore)?”

Eleven: “You never say it.”

And Mike just pauses and gives this sort of determined hardened look

Mike: “I say it.”

And he says this like there’s no room for discussion. He says it, okay? He does. He does say I love you, he does.

Eleven stands quietly, in front of him

Eleven: “You can’t even write it, Mike.”

And this face

This face. As soon as she said that, the determined look was wiped clean off, and all that’s left is this sort of vulnerable (or mildly surprised) look

It’s like he tried to keep calm, deep in that denial that yes Eleven, I do say it, Eleven, why don’t you believe me?

And why doesn’t she? Because when faced with the facts (and the evidence), he can’t even believe himself. It’s written all over his face. And that’s why the hardened look drops. He can’t even believe himself.

And it should be no coincidence that, after Eleven shows the letters, he says what he feels. And these next words are true, I believe. They are because he’s always thought this ever since he met her

Mike: “You’re the most incredible person in the world! And you can’t let these mouth breathers ruin you, ruin us! They’re nobodies! They’re nobodies. And you’re a superhero.”

These are all familiar words because he’s said them before (or at least to the effect), he’s always believed she’s amazing, that people who tell them no don’t matter, that she’s a hero. These words aren’t denial, or lies, they are the absolute truth coming from Mike. But they’re also a truth that doesn’t fix their relationship’s current problems. There’s nothing false in what he believes, but the rant reverts back into old territory, and that’s not what they need right now. It’s almost like a fallback (maybe not an intentional one that Mike threw out on purpose to deflect, but maybe it’s just... what they’re relationship is founded on)

And the words don’t work, don’t fit, because they can’t anymore

Eleven: “Not anymore.”

Eleven no longer believes it. Maybe Mike can revert back to those comforting words but she can’t, not after the day she had, remembering how powerless she felt (because in a literal sense, she is). How is she supposed to believe she’s someone so powerful if she was knocked down so easily?

Eleven in this scene is so very honest. She’s hit her limit of denial. Mike obviously hasn’t yet

And Eleven’s honesty trumps Mike’s denial. She can’t pretend anymore and even if he tries so desperately to, Mike can’t hide either, at least not well. When she stands up, clear and sad, he can’t escape her honesty (and maybe it reflects onto him too, in that moment, when his face falls)

And maybe it’s no coincidence either that after the scene that left them being honest, the next bedroom conversation? Mike and Will. And just look at that difference in Mike’s behavior.

Seems more like an honest face than before

And in comparison, there’s quite a few lines that are more honest than they should be

Mike: “Thanks by the way (...) For knocking some sense into me, I was being a total self-pitying idiot.”

Mike: “No. No, no, no, you didn’t deserve anything.”

Mike: “Listen, the truth is this last year has been weird.”

Mike: “I think we should work together. I think it would be easier if we’re a team. Friends. Best friends.”

He admits he was wrong, he states with so much certainty that Will didn’t deserve anything, he starts talking about the truth of how he’s feeling

The scene with Will feels a lot like, before he walked into the room, Mike was practicing the base of what he wanted to say (e.g. thank you, we should try to work as a team) but when he got into the room, he added extra things on. And he did it so easily.

And to top it all off, some differences being...

Mike and Eleven’s scene had Mike reverting to past connection, using familiar words

Mike and Will’s scene had Mike referring to the past, but ultimately seeking a familiar future (where he and Will are friends again)

Mike and Eleven’s scene had Mike referring to Eleven as a superhero, someone put on a pedestal higher than himself

Mike and Will’s scene had Mike reverting to calling himself and Will best friends, something on equal ground, familiar but now also new (as it’s for the future of their mission)

Afterwards, looking a little shaken

Afterwards, looking calmer and happy

The two scenes obviously focus on different matters, but idk I just like how... behavior-wise, Mike put his walls up with Eleven (which she promptly knocked through), but took them straight down with Will as soon as he entered the room

It’s almost like Eleven’s honesty had an effect on him. But I also do believe that Mike, as expected, cannot lie to Will. Maybe there’s denial, mostly with himself, but he cannot lie and say he wasn’t at fault, and that Will deserved the treatment, and rant/deflect instead of saying the truth. He cannot say that he doesn’t want that closeness again

It’s just clear, imo. And I like that you can tell