#literally unable to free myself from them lol

[eggdrawsthings]

Happy Father's Day to my fave dad and son duo ever. One drawing for each year I'm obsessed w these two. 2021-2024 and counting 😌

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

[softlysuga]

satan's sweetheart [ch. 1]

You’re a demon. One day, you’re summoned into a living room, and an exhausted woman quickly rambles about needing to get to work and being unable to find a sitter before flying out the door. Now, you stand in your summoning circle, a toddler staring wide eyed at you.

pairing: taehyung x female demon!reader genre: fluff, crack, smut (but in the other chapters) rating: pg-13 wc: 2.7k

warnings: mentions of the underworld, death (like the Reaper), pagan activities? i mean the woman literally summons a demon LOL

note: prompt is by @writing-prompt-s! i thought it was actually fcking hilarious and half the time i was writing i was like wtf is this LOL also thank you to @jtrbluv for beta reading! my d1 tumblr moot ₍⑅ᐢ..ᐢ₎ ♡.°₊ˎˊ˗

-> let me know if you want me to make a taglist for this fic or any other fics :)

There’s a tugging sensation at your stomach, and your lips curl into a smile. 

A summoning. Finally. 

Relaxing, you let the sorcery of the summoning whisk you away from your dwelling and hear the familiar pop in your ears as you enter the human realm. Dust setting, you open your eyes, hoping to feast your eyes on your next meal. 

“Who dares to summon—” you boom in your demonic form, clouds of smoke entering the room and a glow of evil cloaking your figure. Of course, it’s all theatrics.  

But…

“I’m so sorry, I tried calling for a babysitter but no one was free,” a frazzled-looking woman interrupts, “and I know, you’re probably like, well, can’t you ask family—”

The woman scrambles to find her keys and belongings, slowly lugging her bag to a door. You stand a few feet away in the middle of a summoning star adorned with a few candles and eerie-looking symbols. There’s an offering of fruits and leftover Halloween candy, along with an edition of the Grand Grimoire. 

“—and I did! I asked Taehyung to come over, that brat, always shirking from his responsibilities, but he said he’s in the middle of a basketball game? Can you believe him? I had asked him to a month ago, and he still managed to forget! Ugh, younger brothers. Anyway, it’s not like I can ask my parents because they’re dead.” 

Surprised, you cut the theatrics and unwind into your natural form. “I mean, Old Reaper spares no one,” you chuckle, shooing away the clouds and lightning. “He’s kind of a nasty fellow, that one. Always so grumpy.”  

The woman freezes, one hand in the midst of putting on a shoe. She turns around, stunned. “You changed.” 

You frown. “Did you expect me to stay in that form forever? It’s actually quite energy-draining— I much prefer this one.” You look down at yourself, confirming that you’re in the correct form. “I mean, I can turn myself into a cat if you would like. Or an elephant, if you’re really feeling up for it. I would be quite loud, though.” 

You’re not quite sure what humans do or do not know. Usually, summonings are quick and short, usually ending with you feasting on the souls of the summoners or the immediate banishing. But this isn’t the usual summoning; there are no teenage kids screaming for their mothers, nor men wrapped in capes who think they’ve found their calling. 

A clatter draws your attention away from the woman and you find a toddler tucked away in a high chair. The child couldn’t have been more than two years old, teething on a strawberry with the remnants of its breakfast laid out in front of her. An oatmeal-covered spoon is on the ground next to the chair. 

Stepping out from the pentagram, you wave your hand and the spoon flies off the ground and lands on the high chair. The child gurgles in delight, grabbing the spoon and throwing it off yet again. 

“This child seems to lack intelligence,” you observe, spinning back to the woman. “Why would it throw the spoon back down? I thought you humans liked using them.” 

The woman unfreezes with a start and continues putting on her shoes. “W-well, you know how toddlers are, always doing something you don’t want them to.” She adjusts herself before putting a hand on the doorknob. “I’ll be back in a few hours, it will be a very quick grocery trip. I just need some…peace.” 

I raise an eyebrow. “You want me to look after your offspring?” 

“Just for a bit. I’ll be back in a jiffy, alright?” She opens the door and steps out. “There’s food in the fridge for her, diapers are in the drawer under her crib. Just keep her unharmed and alive.” 

And just like that, she’s gone and you’re left with a human baby with a distaste for spoons. You look at the child again in curiosity. Tight, chestnut curls are tied up in two pigtails and her chubby cheeks are stained with strawberry juice. You gently pull at a curl, watching it bounce back into place after you release. 

The child notices this and places your finger into her mouth, gently gnawing on it while cautiously measuring your response. 

“Silly child,” you reprimand gently, pulling your finger back. “That’s not food; if you eat my hand, you’ll get dysentery.”

You snap your fingers and conjure a little black binky for her to gnaw on instead. “Here.” You stuff the binky into the child’s mouth and after a bit of confusion, the toddler starts chewing on it contentedly. 

A smirk crosses your face. “How curious. I wonder what else I could do to you…” 

You sense the presence of another soul before you hear the jingling of keys. They’re inserted into the door, and it opens with a swing. 

“Addie? I’m here— sorry about the wait, the game ran a little long…”

You observe the new figure, a man, clumsily take off his shoes and shove them in the shoe rack. He stumbles towards the living room, dropping a bag off by the couch. 

“Addie?” 

“Are you looking for the child?” you murmur. The man freezes. 

“She’s in her jail,” you continue, floating down from your perch on the ceiling. “I suppose you would call it a crib. The child seemed to grow tired of our games, so I put her to sleep. Temporarily of course— I’m not the reaper.” 

Softly landing on the carpet, you stare at the man’s shocked features, seemingly frozen in time. You tilt your head in confusion. “Well, don’t be too worried. She’ll wake up whenever she feels the need to. I just…coerced her into a nap. It’s not like I can do much else.” 

You extend a hand. “You must be Taehyung. The tired woman mentioned you.” 

Taehyung glanced down at your hand and slowly reached for it. Shaking it, he gulps, “Wh-what? Who?” 

He points from your perch on the ceiling to you. “What?” 

“Oh, that,” you wave towards your previous spot. “I’m just more comfortable that way. It’s usually how I lounge in Erebus but I thought it would make you too uncomfortable to see me like that.”

“Erebus?” He whispers. “Is that like…the underworld?” 

You shrug. “Yes and no. It’s more like another dimension, really,” you say, inspecting his face. “You seem to be sweating. I forgot how temperamental humans are.” 

You chuckle. “It's a little hot in here for you, isn’t it? I tend to run a little warm and the heat might be radiating into the room.”

A bead of sweat drips off Taehyung’s temples and he swipes at it, unfreezing himself. “Oh, I-I guess? I mean, now that you mention it, it’s a little warm.” He shakily looks you up and down. “What are you even? A demon? Oh my God there’s a fucking demon in Adeline’s house…” 

“Ah, so Lily is the child,” you muse. “So Addie— or Adeline, I suppose— must be the mother.” Swooping past Taehyung, you ignore his noises of disbelief. Landing on the kitchen counter, you pour him a glass of water. “She’s in her jail, like I said.”

You beckon a chair to follow you, instructing it to sweep Taehyung into it. He’s pale as a sheet, scrambling onto the chair as he lands in front of you. You hand him the water. “Sip.” 

He obeys, gulping down the water. After he finishes, you take the glass back while he looks at you warily. 

“Why are you here?” he asks, clearly uncomfortable. “You’re not from this world, are you?” 

“No, I’m not. Adeline summoned me to become her babysitter around an hour ago, and she simply left me with her offspring,” you snort. “You humans always do the funniest things.” 

“Wait, what?” 

“I mean, hey, good for her for summoning a blank demon— class III nonetheless! Very baby-safe, I can assure you.” 

Taehyung’s brows furrow. “Addie…summoned you?” 

“That’s what I said, didn’t I?” You chuckle. “At first I was as confused as you are right now, but she quite literally said ‘care for my baby, demon! I will be back’ and left,” you air-quote with your hands. “Said something about being unable to find a babysitter, and I was curious enough about the little one to stay for a while.” 

“So you’re not…stuck here?” 

“Well, no,” you roll your eyes. “I can leave whenever I want. Just how you can leave and enter a door,” you gesture towards the hall, “I can leave and enter this dimension. The summoning just thrusts me here against my will. I can go back whenever I want.” 

“Oh.” 

There’s a bit of a silence as Taehyung collects his thoughts. You listen to the buzz of the refrigerator and the quiet ‘tick-tocks’ of the grandfather clock down the hall; you’re surprised how soothing the monotonous noises are. Maybe the humans are onto something. 

Glancing back at Taehyung, he seemed to relax a little. He fiddles with his hoodie string, gnawing at the end. “Wait so, you won’t hurt us? You said something about being baby-safe.” 

You chuckle. “Yes, I’m very baby-safe. I’m a blank, class III demon. Blank— as in I haven’t developed into a specialty yet— and class III— meaning I’m equipped with the bare minimum of demonic powers.” You shrug. “So yeah, I can do things like make you fly or summon existing objects, but not much else. I’m more of a spirit, really. At least for now.” 

“Huh.” 

Suddenly, you sense a shift in the air and you glance over to the baby monitor on the fridge. Taehyung follows your gaze and jumps up. “Oh, Lily’s awake!” 

He looks over at you, albeit a little warily, and slowly starts walking towards Lily’s room. “Don’t move,” he instructs, pointing a finger at you. “Or else.” 

You put your hands up. “Alright,” you giggle. “How scary!”

Ironic. 

Taehyung glares at you and disappears into the hall. He comes back a few minutes later carrying little Lily in his arm, one hand wiping the drool off of her face. Her eyes light up when she sees you. 

“Puff!” she squeals, reaching for you with two hands. Taehyung holds her back, confused. She’s squirming in his arms, trying to peel away. She whines in annoyance.

You smile. “Yes, child. Puff.” 

A wave of your hand conjures little soot sprites out of the air, the dust bunnies blinking in surprise. The jingle of their movements delight Lily, making her clap as they float down towards her. They scatter around her as she makes attempts to snatch them with her chubby hands. Taehyung keeps her just shy of doing so, though, and it frustrates her. 

“What are they?” he asks, concerned. “Are they your pets or something?”

“They’re soot sprites,” you say softly, waving your hand again and they disappear. Perhaps you should’ve warned Taehyung. “They’re quite harmless, really. Usually residing in abandoned country homes, they’re magical creatures made of soot. They don’t do much but work and exist.” 

Lily wails in dismay as the creatures disappear. You smile apologetically. “I was using them to entertain the child before you got here,” you explain, “which is how she’s so familiar with them. It got her a little dirty, but she seemed to like them enough.” 

“Huh. Cool, I guess.” 

You look over at Taehyung, a little surprised at his reaction. It seems like he’s opening up to some of your antics, which makes you smile a little. 

“Do you mind if I conjure them again?” you ask. “For…Lily.” 

You’re trying to get used to calling the child by her name. 

He nods and places the child on the couch, where you bring the little sprites back. Lily’s eyes widen and she instinctively reaches for them as they float around, surprised once again. 

You and Taehyung both watch her in a comfortable silence, but you can still hear Taehyung’s wheels turning. 

“You know, you can just ask,” you start. 

“Hm?” 

You shrug. “I dunno. It’s not like you see a demon every day, let alone have a demon babysit your niece.” 

He chuckles softly. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m just trying to process it a little, but I’m just glad you aren’t sent here to hurt us.” 

“It’s not like I could if I wanted to, anyway,” you add. “It’s kind of a development-slash-hierarchy thing. Kind of like your version of puberty? Long story.” 

Taehyung’s lips quirk up. “What do you mean?” 

Before you can answer, though, you hear a jingling of keys and the woman from before swings the door open, shuffling her bags in. She looks around, eyes landing on you and Taehyung. 

“Tae!” she exclaims while shutting the door. She turns back to face you two, walking towards the living room. “And…the demon…-ess? Demoness?” 

“Demon is fine,” you affirm. 

She smiles warily and turns her attention to Taehyung and slaps him on the shoulder. 

“Ow,” he winces, “what was that for?” 

“That,” she starts, swatting away the sprites and picking up her child, “is for neglecting your babysitting duties which ultimately led me to summon a demon.” 

She glances at you. “No offense.” 

“None taken.” 

“But you summoned her yourself!” he splutters in defense. “Freedom of choice and everything—” 

“Don’t even start,” she interrupts, glaring daggers. 

You whistle. “This woman is scarier than me, Taehyung. I would watch out if I were you.” You glance at Adeline. “No offense.” 

She winces. “None taken.” 

“Well, it looks like my services here aren’t needed anymore,” you clap your hands and the soot sprites disappear. Lily frowns. “Not that it was something I expected, but it was kind of fun.” 

Adeline turns to you and smiles softly. “Thank you for everything— I know it was a bit of an inconvenience, but I’m very glad that it turned out how it did. Please come back anytime you want.” 

You laugh. “I’m not sure if I’ll take you up on your offer— I have a lot of training to do back in Erebus— but thank you anyway. Your offspring, Lily, was quite enjoyable.” 

You wave to little Lily— who waves back— and you start walking towards the door for a more “natural” approach to leaving. 

“Wait, hold on.”

You turn around and Taehyung catches up to you. “Are you never coming back?” 

You shrug. “Unless there’s another summoning or if I have a personal reason to. Summonings are tricky, though, it’s a gamble on which demon you’ll get. It runs on an internal lottery system for all demons, so I wouldn’t bet on your chances.” 

He deflates. “Ah.” 

“Maybe you’ll see me, maybe you won’t.” You smile. “It was nice knowing you, though. I’ve learned more about humans today than I ever had at the academy.” 

Taehyung furrows his brows in confusion, but before he has a chance to say anything, you’ve snapped your fingers and disappeared. 

Like before, you let the winds whisk you back to Erebus and you enter with a pop, feet landing on the soft carpet of your room. Glancing at the window, you notice the blood moon starting to rise and your roommate stirs in her sleep. 

Interesting, you think, shaking your head as your horns grow back. You touch them to make sure they’ve come out properly and your wings also make an appearance, the dainty gossamer erupting from your back as you stretch. 

A sigh of relief leaves you as you settle into your own bed, thinking back at what happened. You’ll surely have to go to the Dean tomorrow to explain your absence, but it shouldn’t be something you’re punished for. These summonings are growing more common so quite a few students have been missing this week—  but it’s not something the administration is worried about…yet. 

You roll over to your side, remembering the look on the woman’s face. She was calm for a human— too calm maybe— when she summoned you. Grumbling in confusion, you think. Maybe they’re getting too comfortable with contacting the demonic dimension. 

But you fondly remember how Taehyung’s reaction was much more standard, and you chuckle recalling his sheer fright at the concept of Erebus.

He almost reminded you of a puppy. 

“How cute,” you murmur. 

Yawning, you make a mental note to go to the mortal realm more often. It could do you some good. 

Eyes heavy, you close them and everything goes black.  

[ryuichirou]

Replies

But also some news!

First of all, I wanted to remind you that my pricelist will be updated by the end of the week, so please feel free to message me if you want to take a slot to commission me with my current prices!

Second of all, we got our twitter account back! We ended up deleting that one post that twitter didn’t like (yes, the one that doesn’t have anything explicit or any nudity on it), which obviously sucks, but at least now we can jump back to posting more or less regularly.

And now that this situation is over, I can say about the thing that honestly tickled me: the last person who wrote a callout post on me right before our acc got locked (=the person who very likely caused the massreporting in the first place) got accused of grooming a 13 y.o. and had their account terminated the very next day. What a great illustration of how the fandom climate works, right? Hilarious.

Alright, replies replies. Some about Fellow and Gidel, some about Rook, Idia, a little bit of Lilia and some miscellaneous asks.

Anonymous asked:

wait, Fellow is it a good idea for Gidel to write?? Isn't he illiterate?? (I might be wrong on the writing part, but I'm pretty sure Gidel is said to be unable to speak because he didn't get an education :(, r.i.p to the poor boy)

But look at it, Anon! He clearly writes, and like a typical doctor as well! A highly educated man!

(Yeah, Gidel doesn’t know how to write lol I am not sure if Fellow is super literate either… just like the characters they are inspired by lol)

Anonymous asked:

I want to bite Idia’s thighs but I also want to nibble Lilia’s legs courtesy of your pic of him in those delicious Playful Land tights 😩

(this is about a sketch from ko-fi)

They really are nibbleable… nibbable… one would want to nib on them. And Lilia knows that :(

Thank you <3

irregardlessly-tish asked:

Since you started posting Fellow art I said to myself "I guess I'm watching that event now so I can look at the art and think yeah, he would totally get gang banged by them" lol

Tish! You’re great as always lol I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Fellow is so breedable it’s insane. I can’t help it.

unofficialwheatdog asked:

I'm gonna snatch Fellow away from everyone

Like that my husband, he fluffiness mine and mine alone

Mwah mwah to Fellow I wove him and the way you draw him

he's too good for them but ruined enough for me(lol me in my possessive era)

Omg real possessive era lol I get it, he really is fluffy to the point of leaving one speechless. But please understand, these boys can’t hold back at all… :( Be kinder them, they can’t help it!

I’m glad you love how I draw him <3

Anonymous asked:

Curious, u do non con/ rape art?

Pls tag if yes, I wanna see

I do, but I also don’t remember any recent noncon piece to tag anything lol I am definitely not opposed to it, and a lot of our nsfw pieces have at least dub-con vibes. I guess that one general!Lilia/Idia piece comes to mind first! And octopus!Azul/Idia that I drew for the same zine…

Maybe it would be easier to look through my pixiv logs; all the nsfw pieces are usually closer to the end of the log.

Anonymous asked:

You know I never had interest in drawing nsfw, I started a fanart blog with the intent of just making cute/cool sfw pieces maybe some ship stuff. However I am sick and tired of watching the twst fandom affect the mental health of my friends. And I know at least one of my ships will be threatened even if they just hold hands.

So here’s my plan: if I start receiving hate I will make an announcement: if I reach a particular milestone of hate I will learn to draw nsfw. I will make them kiss harder. Harass me and I will become worse.

Fr tho I want to be the brave idiot in the hope that others won’t feel alone.

Sorry for the late reply! Anon, you are already brave lol I like your plan. Become worse to spite them! And to support everyone who is harassed. And to have fun of course.

I wish you and your friends and anyone else didn’t have to worry about being harassed because of your ships. So please, take care of yourself, but also? Fuck them; draw and post whatever you want to make yourself and your friends happier and enjoy the fandom experience that you and your friends create.

Anonymous asked:

"something's missing..." might be your shirt rook, idk tho 🤔

(this is about this drawing)

Oh no, he forgot his shirt again. And no one at Savanaclaw is brave enough to tell him.

Anonymous asked:

 I remember that Savannaclaw Rook only cut his hair with a knife, soooo, yeah. How do you think first year Rook would respond to first year Idia and vice versa?

Honestly it looks like it lol He and Lilia have something in common…

We love first year Rook with first year Idia so much, Anon, you have no idea! And Rook/Idia in general, this is one of the things that I really want to draw properly at least once. For now we only have sketches…

But to answer your question! I like to think that Rook was very intrigued by Idia right away; of course Idia isn’t a beastman, but he is not only super bright and shiny-looking (unusual! Interesting!), but also is a very rare pokemon to see. It’s very easy to picture Rook getting excited and charmed by him, maybe he even had a period of a little obsession~ But of course none of this is in any way returned by Idia; to him being suddenly surrounded by so many loud and annoying people his age is already stressful enough, but Rook is somehow worse than all of them combined. He hates everyone from Savanaclaw, but they’re usually just rude jerks, but Rook? If only he was a rude jerk…

Anonymous asked:

Chen’ya, are you flashing people on purpose? What are you gonna do if someone likes it?

(related to this post)

Knowing Che’nya, he’ll probably disappear lol Never let them guess your next move. They liked it? Too bad. They didn’t like it? Oh too bad… >:3

Sometimes he is in a flirty mood though~

Anonymous asked:

I’m surprised Lilia doesn’t also spank Idia to punish him

He really should, and his spanks wouldn’t be as murderous as Azul’s! Idia is going to receive punishment AND survive!

I can picture Lilia stopping mid-spank with the realisation though: oh right, this isn’t his kid, this is Idia…

Anonymous asked:

(tw: self-harm)

this might be a bit dark but i’m curious: do you think idia self-harms? every now and then, i see ppl draw him with SH scars. i’ve never been able to decide if it feels like him or not. punishing himself, hating himself, wanting to control this one aspect of his life bc he can’t control anything else sound like idia, but also, being too resigned, lazy, or phobic of pain also sound like idia… little nutjob he is 😒 thoughts?

This is such a good question, Anon. It’s honestly still kind of easy to imagine him doing that. He punishes himself constantly, and while I don’t think this is necessarily about control, this absolutely could be about wanting to make himself feel even worse or to distract himself from the other kind of deep pain he’s feeling. Since we’re talking about a character here, as an artist I can also add that seeing him this way could be aesthetically pleasing, there are some very good artworks with this theme.

That being said, we usually tend to think that Idia wouldn’t do that. I agree that Idia being phobic of pain sounds very like him, but also? He is very detached from the physical side of things in general, I think. He would rather torment himself mentally.

Another reason for Idia and selfharm not really working in our heads is that I don’t think Ortho would let him. He is very sensitive to changes in his health condition after all.

[altocat]

cheese anon!

I’m here with some food offerings from my friends house for the firsts + Lazard, Kunsel and Cloud!

It was my friends birthday, and we ate dinner at her house, so there was loads of foods because there were many of us who have different tastes (and allergies)!

For Genesis, I offer the apple pie that I baked! Despite being unable to have it myself, those who did have it told me that it was sweet, but not too sweet and very tasty!

For Sephiroth, I offer some of the Lactose Free Mi Goreng ramen! I say lactose free because it was lactose free, but it was still tasty!

For Angeal… I offer some lasagna! Lactose free (I could surprisingly eat lots of things at the party :D) , and the tastiest lasagna I’ve ever eaten.

For Zack. My child, I must offer you some of the sweets. Yes, yes, I know that Angeal is like ‘not a lot of sweets’ but shhhhhhhh >:D

For Cloud…. Hmm…. How about some of the merengue? Hm…. Lol.

For Lazard / the Lizard man: The adults had some wine and stuff so I’m giving him that.

For Kunsel…. Chicken tendies. There weren’t many, and they were only for that one person who is allergic to everything and it’s so annoying to cook for him 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And for you, Alto! Some cookies!

YESSSSSSSS FOOD BLESS YOU CHEESE ANON

Genesis generously compliments you on your pie, and even offers helpful tricks to really give the apple flavor a zest.

Sephiroth is not picky at all when it comes to food (have you SEEN the stuff Shinra is feeding him?) and is always down for his beloved noodles. He casually slurps that shit in the background and looks content.

Angeal LOVES lasagna (is he Garfield???) and happily compares it to the one he and his mom used to make together. He has to ward off Sephiroth because the latter keeps trying to snatch a bite.

Zack took one bite of your offering and is currently moonwalking on the ceiling. This is why Angeal says NO SUGAR SEADFGFD.

Cloud is the QUIETEST eater ever btw. Literally eating food in quiet, neat little bites while everyone else causes chaos in the background.

Lazard takes one look at the wine and wonders if this differs at all from his REGULAR dining schedule dealing with these idiots. Your offering is basically breakfast.

Kunsel thanks you for your humble offering of tendies and spends twenty minutes trying to squeeze them through his helmet. Tendie crumbs all over the floor.

[onlyancunin]

5 comfort characters

@judasiskariot tagged me and for that I thank you, darling! 🖤

It's gonna be a doozy so unless someone's really interested, feel free to skip. And yes, all my "comfort characters" have themes of trauma and revenge.

Astarion Ancunin - I think my url might've given it away; his story resonates with me in terms of struggling with intimacy post sa and experiencing the isolating loneliness that comes along with trauma incomprehensible for others. And also the world is a vile place and I say let it burnnn, baby! I must say I really had to think long and hard about the rest, but judging by what I like to come back to when in stress:

Dean Winchester - resonating with the trauma and/or complicated feelings coming from being the older sibling that's supposed to "save" the younger one, despite being unable to. And having a thing for drinking and/or isolating myself when the troubles hit. Also my 11 yo cat is literally called Cas lmao, he's equal part apex predator and fluffy dum dum, just like the original.

V from "V for Vendetta" - I wish I could spend my life meticulously plotting and flawlessly executing a plan of elaborate revenge on my past abusers. I feel like that would give me the kick, lol. This + the "inch of ourselves" quote was literally a theme for my therapy for years, while I was looking for my own identity panicking I've been destroyed to the last: "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all that we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch, we are free… An inch; it is small, and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away; we must never let them take it from us.”

Lisbeth Salander (Millennium book series, "Girl with the dragon tattoo") - a woman who single-handedly made me dream of working remotely in IT and living independently. And of course one day I'll make my abuser pay the exact same way she did - and I already have the tattoo needle, eyyy! Proud to say after years and years I finally get to live in a single-bedroom studio place and spend my days developing code, even if just in a junior position for now. The next step is to live somewhere with palm trees, just like she did in the books. After the fucker gets his tat, of course. Bonus points for being neurodivergent and blatantly unapologetic about it. And getting her heart crushed because no matter how big the gesture, most will mostly pick the "normal" over the freak.

Jessica Jones - a little similar to Lisbeth, but with Marvel twist and way more psychotic opponent. I've just started watching his series recently and it's ripping my soul in hundreds of directions, even evoking a bit of my Stokholm Syndrome. And to have such strength as a woman! Makes me wonder what kind of use I'd actually make of it, given the chance. Would I actually go the hero route? The vigilante? Or just amuse myself with continuous torture of those who wronged me?

Who would've known, out of the whole bunch, Astarion seems like the most cheerful character lmao.

I'd like to no-pressure tag: @treshmind, @thedomesticanthropologist, @night-orchids, @thatdangeroussmile

[lxstfathier]

Closer

Axe Woves x Reader

Summary: there’s nothing you crave more than having your own family with Axe, the love of your life. Luckily, he feels the same about you, so it’s time to start working on it.

Warnings: Oral (M! receiving), breeding kink, rough sex, choking, slapping, slight degradation, creampie, porn without plot.

A/N: i wanted to read some smut with Axe but literally no one is writing for him?? I mean, come on, he’s hot af??? And since i couldn’t find anything i had to do it myself lol. So, here it is, a small fic for y’all to enjoy <3. (And please, remember that English is not my first language, so there might be some errors).

“Someone’s eager today, huh?” Axe says, a huge smirk on his face as he sees you drop to your knees and start working on his belt and flight suit, freeing his cock in a matter of seconds.

He’s hard as a rock and already leaking precum, so you stroke it a few times before opening your mouth and licking his tip, enjoying the salty taste of it. That makes him groan, unable to control himself anymore, tangling one of his hands in your hair to push you down, forcing you to take him further.

You gag when his cock reaches the back of your throat, but he gently slaps your cheek a few times to stop you from doing it.

“Take it like a good girl” he speaks in a low voice, fighting the urge to fuck your mouth.

His words go straight to your cunt, making you feel even more horny and desperate, so you take one of your hands between your thighs, sliding your fingers on your wet folds and rubbing your clit, all while you start to bob your head up and down, taking his length the best you can as you look at him with big doe eyes.

“Such a needy little slut” Axe growls. “Touching yourself like a bitch in heat…What made you this desperate, hm?”

You know exactly what. You’re ovulating, and the only thing that you could think about since you woke up was him, his love, his attention, his rough hands all over your body, his thick veiny cock. And there was nothing that you craved more than his seed deep in your womb, claiming you as his forever.

That’s why you got all naked and ready as soon as you heard him come back home after a long mission. But you can’t tell him that, not when your mouth is full and you’re trying not to gag again.

Still, Axe expects an answer, so he yanks you by your hair, getting you off him and raising an eyebrow, waiting for you to speak.

“I need you to breed me” you whimper. “Please”

He smirks again and his brown eyes go black, filled with lust, as if that’s all he wanted to hear.

“Is that what you need? You should have told me sooner, cyar’ika, i’ve always wanted to ruin that perfect little body of yours”.

You both had been married for a couple of months, but you never brought up the subject of having a family of your own. You thought he didn’t want kids. You thought he was cool with just looking after Ragnar for a while. But now that you know that he actually wants to make it a clan of three, your arousal becomes unbearable, sending shivers down your spine.

Without wasting a second, Axe lifts you up and effortlessly throws you on the bed, keeping your legs open with his hands and positioning between them. Usually he eats you out first, but you awakened his primal side and the only thing he wants right then and there is to fuck you like a cheap whore until he cums inside.

So he slaps his cock against your clit a few times, your hips squirming at the sensation, and he finally slides in, stretching you open at the same time that he takes his right hand to your neck.

“Fuck” Axe breathes out. “So fucking tight. So fucking perfect for me”.

You let out a few cries. It was always a bit difficult to adjust to his big size, but once you get used to the feeling, Axe starts moving, thrusting slowly while squeezing your neck.

That’s until he can’t control himself anymore and his thrusts grow stronger, deeper and faster, using you like his own personal fleshlight, abusing your poor hole and hitting your cervix every time, letting out some pleasure filled grunts.

“M’gonna fill you up so good, cyar’ika. Pump you full of cum like the whore that you are, making sure you get knocked up”.

That’s enough to make your body tense and the knot in your stomach grow tighter. You orgasm is near, and you can almost feel it already.

“Fuck, Axe, i’m close” you whine, knowing that you can’t hold it any longer.

“Then go ahead baby, cum all over my fucking cock” he says, leaning in closer to kiss you passionately, his cold beskar chest plate scraping against your hard nipples.

It’s all too much. Your orgasm takes over your body, shaking and squirming in pure bliss under his weight, moaning into his mouth, your walls clenching hard around him. And axe can’t take it anymore, you feel way too good, so he gives a few more shallow thrusts and finds his own release, cumming deep inside you, flooding your womb with thick ropes of cum.

You both stay there afterwards, melted into each other, riding out your highs while sloppy kissing, too tired to move.

“Fuck” Axe says, braking the kiss, trying to catch his breath again. “You’re gonna look so beautiful carrying my child”.

You just smile at him, tracing his jaw with your fingertips, so in love with the brown eyed man who just made you see stars, knowing that he might not be the easiest one, but he’ll try to be the best father and husband of them all.

[ellecdc]

okay no pressure in answering this at all if you’re not comfortable but i’ve been having many Thoughts lately and i wanted to share them with somebody but nobody ik will listen and you’re my favorite blog

i’m on summer break from college right now which means i don’t have a constant stream of Things To Do, so i have a lot of free time, which i usually spending thinking about the marauders (guilty)

but since i’ve been home (abt 3 weeks) ive been getting super overwhelmed in the fandom, not bc of anybody but because i have so much Love for content. like i love the fandom so much and i love fics and fanart and edits and stuff like that, and i don’t think i have a limit

i feel like i spend too much time engaging in the community, or even just thinking about characters (primarily the Noble House of Black lol) and i don’t get me wrong, i love it so much, but almost to a point where it’s overwhelming and i get emotional randomly and sometimes i feel like that’s not normal?

like i feel like i might be genuinely addicted - i haven’t gone a day without opening ao3/tumblr/tiktok to see fandom content in a very long time and as much as i love to embrace that fact, i can’t figure out why that scares me so much

i hope this makes sense. i just needed to tell somebody because im starting to feel like something is wrong with me lol

like i said, no need to respond if you don’t feel comfortable. i just wanted to put it into words

I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with liking something ‘so’ much and being so invested in something as long as it’s not taking away/affecting the rest of your life?

If you’re still able to take care of yourself physically (showering, eating, sleeping, cleaning), and if you’re still able to enjoy your personal and social life (going to work/school etc, hanging with friends, engaging with family members), and it’s not hurting anyone (yourself or loved ones), then what’s the harm?

I literally cannot think about canon at all, I was telling my mutual this the other day - they’d asked me what my other mutuals told me about ATYD because they were thinking of reading it and I told them and literally felt sick to my stomach thinking about it afterwards 😅 like no, perhaps that’s not ‘normal’ but that’s also why I’m in fanfiction? I can’t watch TV shows or movies because I get too emotional and too invested that I can’t handle anything angsty or sad. So I spend time in fanfiction to kind of “fix” it for me, and it makes me happy!

When I was in my first degree probably ~19, I was going through a hard time and would go for walks with my dog like 3 times a day for almost 45mins-1.5 hours each time (so walking almost 3 hours out of the day) just so I could escape my present reality and live in my little daydreams I created for myself. I became so reclusive and was over exerting myself, under eating, not socializing and started getting emotional because I preferred my daydreams to my current reality

Sometimes that’s life saving for people so I am an advocate for people doing what they need to do to get by - BUT - for me, that’s when it became unhealthy

So no, i don’t think liking/loving fanfic “too much” is abnormal (maybe it is but then we’re all freaks here) and i don’t think it’s unhealthy unless you’re unable to care for yourself otherwise

[popcornfairy28]

Voiceteam is done! (and I'm back from my trip)

I somehow overestimated how good the internet would be on my trip, as I could not connect to Tumblr at all. It was just BLANK. I managed somehow to post to AO3 for my last few podfics, so I guess I'll share them here. I might have a couple of links left to share from all that, but I'll share them when I get them.

I sang literally only a tiny bit for our Pink Panda Bandits theme song for round 3. I was so busy recording other filks, that I won't be able to post until I get permission from the writers, because we needed it for our mod dare this round. So I've got a bunch of unedited podfics recorded sitting around that I planned on finishing but instead just sang for most of my points lol.

2. For Amnesty, originally for round 1 I had podded another @ligercat fic called A Dog's Duty: (I may have been purposefully picking easier-looking ones for starting out...but they were still so fun!)

3. Another that I ended up posting for Amnesty that was originally for round 1 was a Merlin fic that I was recommended to pod written by @schweetheart called: the course of true love (never did run smooth). This so far was the longest podfic I have done, at about 23 minutes...which admittedly doesn't sound very long but before this one I'd only done ones less than 10 minutes long LOL. It was a fun challenge to stretch myself that way though, and the fic was a delight.

Alrighty, now I should probably go to bed but I probably won't because while I'm absolutely exhausted I'm also still exhilarated from the day and driving, so maybe I'll write??? I was utterly unable to work on the Chesterton Challenge Prompts since I couldn't access Tumblr and hadn't listed them. Plus I just didn't generally write because the conference I went to was a little bit different than I was expecting (even though I've gone two times before). People were more social with me and wanting to talk with me and spend time with me just generally, so I couldn't go hide in a corner and write as easily. Which it is great that I got to go talk to real people face to face, but it is kinda a bummer that I got so little free time. I am definitely looking forward to introverting for the next couple of days after extraverting so much...

[nickfowlerrr]

working on it

main masterlist

this is a list of all my wips (including requests) so we can all be on the same page in regards to what i have coming up 🖤

*these aren’t in any particular order - as you guys know, i write what i have inspiration to write and not in order of when requests were received or series were updated.* if you don't see your request on here, and did not get a response from me letting you know i'd be unable to write it, then i didn't receive it. feel free to send it in again if you'd like.

i saw @sweetpeapod’s “to do list” and it’s such a great idea i literally never would’ve thought to make one myself so all credit to her for this! 🥰

updated: 06/06/23

legend: actively writing • on hold/writer’s block • haven’t started

series

bucky barnes:

if i could - chapter five

keeping secrets - chapter seven

stucky:

trust me - chapter two

drabbles, one shots or continuations (not series)

andy barber:

waiting - pt 2

dark!professor andy

bucky barnes:

soft!dark bucky - basement wife

dark!brat tamer bucky

you can’t - pt 2

dark!ex bucky - pregnant reader (might not end up dark lolll)

when a stranger calls bucky

yandere mechanic bucky

“enemies” to lovers bucky

iou - pt 2…possible miniseries

enemies to lovers - one bed trope

die happy - chubby!reader

first time for everything - drabble

call it what you want to - pt 2

mean!bucky one shot

duke!bucky x duchess!reader (soft!dark?)

pro wrestler!bucky

charles blackwood:

dark!charles halloween fic

lee bodecker:

dark!lee - traveling!reader

dark!lee - salem witch trial

lloyd hansen:

-

ransom drysdale:

delivery - one shot

mean!ransom one shot

nick fowler:

dark!nick - daddy’s dead - one shot

steve kemp:

-

steve rogers:

mean!steve one shot

stucky:

dark! road trip fic (two stories in one/choose your own adventure)

royalty au

fumbling - drabble

fawn - pt 2

requests

humble request to the queen of my lil dark heart for your sluttiest a/b/o with your man of choice inspired by ‘hurt you’ by the weeknd 🖤

bucky barnes:

request/imagine: mafia bucky x reader where bucky is very obviously obsessed/infatuated with the reader and just wants her to be his but she plays hard to get (for some time) and starts hanging out with other men so he gets jealous and punishes her (smut if you want with degradation/humiliation kink idk💀) very new to tumblr so idk if im doing this right or not. thank you! 💘

Dearie write some angry seggs with Bucky barnes

Scenario 5 10 17 22 please & Dialogue prompts 32 and 38 please with bucky 😭 he’s a total grinch throughout but seeing the reader happy makes him happy and I love the grumpy x sunshine trope🤤����‍💨

Hey yo! I'm not sure if you're still accepting Christmas prompts or anything (I've absolutely loved reading them) But I've been listening to this song on repeat and idk, I can just imagine the reader singing it to Buck on their first christmas together, and him falling even more in love with them. Anywho, happy holidays, can't wait to read anything and everything you bless us all with 🥰❤️🎄

What would have happened in a AU version of your dark biker Bucky finding his soulmate finally…and also meeting her husband?

What if the reader had a really toxic husband who wouldn’t let her go or let their divorce proceed unless she cheated on him? Only the man she picks for her affair, Bucky Barnes, is WAY worse than her husband and she doesn’t realize until it’s too late? (No idea though if this is like a mobster Bucky or Winter Solider or some other profession)

a bucky fic of any length based on this text exchange with my husband (who’s deployed) ((i’m the red bubble lol)) 🥹 you work is magic so i trust however you wanna take this

Bellllaaaaa hiiii:) I’m hooked on biker/bartender bucky(even tattoo artist bucky) with fucking Tats right now and I’d totally love if you could maybe write him and chubby/plus sized reader having a flirty relationship, maybe they’re like a fling or something. She works at his bar/tattoo shop, whichever au you pick, and they’re just fucking flirty and so naughty together lol. Smut is always welcomed!! Thank u bby in advance<3 mwahhh🥺💋

Was curious if you could do a TFAWS Bucky request? Reader is a curvy plus size gal, and Sam has been trying and trying to get Bucky to ask her out. Then one day, he finds her really upset and self conscious… He finally lets his true feelings show, trying to make her feel better… maybe it turns into more? 👀🥰 Like…. ‘Let me just show you how beautiful you are..’ kinda thing lol. I really hope that made sense ☠️☠️

charles blackwood:

Hello there I want to ask... Do you still write Charles blackwood x reader fanfic? It has to be very romantic but very naughty. Charles being very sexy and dominating. It is also the reader's very first time with him too. Can it include a photo of Charles as well? Thanks x

max burnett:

Hi can I request a max Burnett x plus!size reader.

nick fowler:

Okay, speaking of thots, having the Nick Fowler says something sexy in Romanian and leaves gifs back-to-back with the 'no, I'm not okay; I should be sucking his dick rn" thot was— 🥵 Think you could combine those two into a little (or big, would not complain 😉) something something? 😘��� 👉🏻👈🏻

I’m reading a book about the history evolution of dating, and it has this section on sugar daddies and babies. Apparently a lot of sugar babies are warned not to fall for their daddies, but the women report that usually it’s the other way around and the men fall for them. So what about a soft dark mafia Nick who quickly gets obsessed with his sugar baby reader? He just get more intense the more she denies an emotion connection because it’s just bad business on her end.

pwyc! bucky:

Hi I loved your Pretty when you cry series read it twice already and you did a amazing job 🥰 I was wondering if you could write the reader from that series being catcalled by some creep and dark biker Bucky witnesses it and completely losing it and defending her and maybe it ends with some fluff I hope you have a lovely day or night ❤️

OK maybe After Reading your Dark Soulmate Story I want/need more 😁 So I was thinking about Bucky and the Curvy Reader. Was there ever a time when Bucky Breaks down and cry? Like, He is so Hurt that he is Not Angry but gets really sad? How would the Reader react? How would Bucky himself react? Thanks again For creating These two and thank you For your time🖤 i Love them.

Hi Bella! So you’re my fav tumblr writer and I’m never gonna get over pwyc cause it’s pretty fucking amazing, and I don’t know if you’re taking requests for drabbles or anything like that, but I thought I might as well ask! So imagine that Bucky and Y/N have been living together for a while and things have been great, but Bucky is thinking of proposing, but Y/N is so not ready to get married or have kids, and her and Bucky get into a huge fight over it, and maybe she briefly moves out, and Bucky is basically lost but like also super angry cause we all know he doesn’t take rejection too well, but in the end they make up and by that I mean smut, and you can decide if they get engaged or not, but yeah that’s basically it

Hi! I love pwyc so much then when i saw the new trust series was from you I did a little happy dance! I was wondering if i could request a little drabble of what would happen if reader found out she was pregant and how biker Bucky would react? If not no pressure honestly love all your fics thanks for sharing them with us!

Belllllllaaaaa I have a request to make for pwyc series💕❤️ Imagine bucky getting possessive and jealous of readers coworkers, the reader trying to escape when he thought they were finally getting somewhere in their relationship…..😬😬 would he be angry or upset just love feral bucky 🫣😭🥵

Pwyc reader having nightmare about that night Bucky raped her. While dark!pwyc Bucky is sleeping right next to her. So reader started crying in her sleep,tears and all (cause that's what she does best) from the nightmare with him in it and woke Bucky up. Bucky can tell what it was about and started to soothe her nightmares the only way his perverted ass knows how. He started nuzzling and kissing her neck all over and kiss all her all over her face including her lips,eyes and her tears away while his hands roam all over her body to wake her up. Reader woke up still crying and Bucky ended up giving her the most gentlest (?),angsty or passionate sex? Idk,it doesn't have to be gentle. Just like really angsty and passionate in a really pwyc dark!Bucky way to show reader he's her only choice no matter what so she just gonna learn how to love him and get over her fear and nigthmare with the fear and nightmare himself. And maybe some angsty stomach flipping aftercare afterwards. Dark! request ofc. This can be during pwyc or after pywc,it's up to you. Reader being a crybaby makes this fic special to me :,D Been looking for a pic like this. Thank you so much and sorry if my English sucks a lil. I try. Tysm again 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Hiii Bella!! I love your writing so much, you're very talented 😍 I found the pwyc series about three days ago and I've read it twice 😅 I wasn't that productive at work ig 🤣 as a curvy girl myself who falls very close into the description of the reader/soulmate who loves Bucky, I felt very satisfied. So... I'm rubbish at requests but I thought I would like to ask for something and it's nice that you're kind and understanding so I don't feel too anxious about doing so 👀 so... what about reader going out shopping a dress for an occasion (idk what exactly, something formal-ish ig... a birthday party/dinner maybe?) and the shop assistants make her feel bad by saying things like "we don't have clothes in that big of a size, miss" or "this doesn't suit your fat thighs/stomach" (this has happened a lot to me, unfortunately)? And she gets home sad and spends all week self-loathing and insecure, wearing very baggy clothes and starving herself and pwyc bucky doesn't exactly get what's going on because she doesn't want to discuss it but he feels how down she feels and worries. Then he hears her explaining the experience to eva and he becomes a man on a mission. He has one thing in mind; to shower her with compliments, sweet nothings and have beautiful, passionate and rough sex with her 😏 (and also decides to punch whoever said sh*t about his girl). Thank youuu 💜💜 P.S. Sorry if this was too long☺️

hiii so i just thought of pwyc fluff (bc i love two hopeless romantics) so uhhh what if reader gives bucky a pet name? calls him "love" in front of his friends and bucky just melts and swoons

I just want pwyc reader and bucky to have kids 🫣😬😂 it would be so unexpected and I’m sure bucky would be super excited even if the news comes out of the blue 🥺🥺💕💕 it would be so funny though 😂😂

Just finished your dark soulmate Bucky fic-absolutely loved it, stayed up WAY too late reading it because I couldn’t stop. I was wondering if kids are ever discussed between them? I feel like no for both of them because Bucky seems too greedy to share the reader/lose time with her and I don’t know if the reader would really want babies with him after their start, even if she’s forgiven him. But I do wonder what would happen to Bucky’s mindset-does having a daughter make him realize any new aspects of what he did? Does a son make him worry about raising a man who could do what Bucky did to his own soulmate?

I have a pwyc prompt! Reader borrows Bucky’s beloved car as hers is in his shop. He tells her to be careful as it’s his baby. She misjudges a turn and wrecks it, only gets minor cuts/bruises but goes hospital to get checked out in case concussion. She doesn’t want to see bucky - freaking out about seeing him and admitting she crashed his baby but of course his main worries lie with someone else’s welfare!

what if reader wasn't bucky's soulmate but he wants her anyway. (long request)

Sorry in advance if this is too indulgent even for fanfic, but would you be interested in a prompt where pwyc Bucky is thrilled that the reader is gaining weight? Either because he takes it as a sign that she’s happy so she eating more, they’re going out on fun dates and have delicious things to eat or they’re spending too much time together for her to work out, etc etc. but he’s super into it. And loves to show it, especially during moments when she’s upset about it? So it’s something positive instead of negative.

Hi Bella. Love your work and love that you write curvy/plus size reader as I’m a curvier girl myself. I was wondering if you could write a Drabble/fic with pwyc bucky worshipping/praising reader’s bigger body - maybe she’s having a bad self image day or similar and he kisses all of her curves and lumps/bumps because he genuinely adores her figure and also is very much turned on by her even if she sometimes worries his muscular frame would be better suited to smaller partners as he’s so in shape.

This but she hurts herself bad?🤔🥺

“You come across any other kinks you wanna try, you just let me know. You know I’ll do anything for you, pretty girl.” Hmm how about breeding kink combined with marking kink. I believe the possessive side of Bucky here would absolutely eat this up and be feral. Would love to see your take on this, but if you don’t want, that’s okay! Thank youuu! 🫶🏻

Hi Bella! I have an idea for a PWYC Drabble please don’t feel obligated to respond or make it. So today I was walking and some total jerks yelled out the window calling me fat. I wonder how Bucky would either comfort reader or handle it. I know you have something similar with your knight drabble. Thank you for all of the incredible work you’ve given us, this is my favorite series of all time— you’re a great writer. ♥️🥹

Hi! I’m a huge fan of PWYC and I was wondering if you thought about doing a pregnancy one shot, or multiple shots related to Bucky and reader starting a family? I’m curious how the dynamic would be considering how Bucky already acts towards reader and how he tends to be very loving but also on consistent watch over reader. If you don’t like the idea or aren’t interested that’s totally okay too!

steve rogers:

I would love to see a stalker Steve Rogers who thinks he’s “courting” you when he buys you presents off your (private) wishlists, takes care of chores around the house when you’re sleeping or away, has lunch delivered to your workplace for you, etc. (sure it’s scary and weird all these things are happening to you, but I would also like to come home to packages on my porch and my lawn mowed, you know?)

[theoldworldsrunnerup]

dear mootie I read your post and I'm sorry you feel that way :'( I don't really care that much what people will think about me for posting soichello but I see where you're coming from and it sucks, it's not right. Fandom should be the place ppl go to have fun not get bullied or bully others. I've also sort of ridiculed the ship (& myself for enjoying it) at times but only jokingly.. like, that's lowkey part of the package for me, and I thought it was the same for other shippers too. I never considered it might've influenced others negatively, and if that's the case I wanted to apologize. I hope this situation gets better for you, honestly i don't see how anyone could be mad at you, deprecation or otherwise.. liking stuff, even niche ass things, is not the problem, the 'climate' on the internet is.

Anyway, just know that if u want I have soichello art and bad memes ready send and I'm down to talk abt those two absolutely whenever ok? Ofc u don't have to answer this but lmk c: (Also sorry I'm like. physically unable to send asks off anon💀 hope you don't hate me💀💀)

Omg hi um. I’m not quite sure how to respond to this, but first of all: thank you. I actually really appreciate this. Like I don’t think I could put into words how much I appreciate this.

I feel like I should say that I do make fun of practically every pairing I ship. It, too, is apart of the package for me like it is for you. I guess the problem with what I tend to do with soichello is kind of like. Clinging onto the irony of it/ridiculing it to the point where I actually feel mean. I’ve never taken anyone else making fun of the pairing to heart (because, taking everything about them in canon into consideration, it is objectively a little ridiculous), but I suppose I’m so aware of the fact that I have the potential to make others feel negatively that I take what I say to heart, and feel so much more horrible (And in the end I kind of attempt to balance the deprecation so that I negatively affect as little people as possible. I know you can’t please everyone but goddamn do I try 😭😭). But anyways I doubt you’ve negatively impacted anybody, reflecting on the post a day later I think this was just me being paranoid tbh.

It’s been super hard for me to unlearn the shame I have surrounding certain interests of mine, but seeing other people enjoy them makes it so much easier.

PLEASE feel free to send me art/memes/anything soichello related literally whenever. I should mention that I am absolutely AWFUL in one on one conversations and am like. Almost physically incapable of initiating conversations myself (this also ties into my fear of being perceived negatively lol). But if it means I get to talk about them I will try so very hard.

(Also don’t worry about the anon thing, I totally get it!! I usually default to anon myself (although it depends on what the ask is/why I’m sending it), and I definitely don’t hate you.)

[candyfloss-esophagus]

CRYING WOLF FOR ASK GAME!!!! GIMME ALL THE INFORMATION!!!!

Okay I'm just gonna spam you with asks here so feel free to ignore them if it's too much <3

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 (don't think I've forgotten about the post you made mentioning an alternate ending! 👀👀👀) 10, 11, 13, 14 and 15

Hope this isn't too much! (like I said feel free to ignore these if that's the case!)

I remember you mentioned something about making a lore post about stuff that didn't get put in the fic and maybe you could combine them? If you still feel like making it that is <3 (seriously I still love that fic so much!!!!)

Alright buckle up boys this is gonna get LONG. @voidpants since you sent me an ask with a couple of these in, I'll combine them here <3

This probably goes without saying but there are extreme spoilers for crying wolf below the cut

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? My recent obsession with vivisection, dissection and cannibalism <33 I know I'm very good at falling into stereotypes and I'm your local transmasc butch unhealthily obsessed with cannibalism <33333

The noirpunk server did, in all honesty. I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

2: What scene did you first put down? The very first scene! I write generally chronologically, unless there's something I'm raring to get down!

3: What’s your favorite line of narration? He pulls back, unable to staunch the hysterical giggles building in his chest, and they tumble free like the intestines of a mutilated fox at the side of a road -- all bloody ropes thick with mucus.

I just like this comparison lol. A close second would be the line about Peter's organs being better to eat than the pigeon.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? “Oh, I know you’re on the square, doll. I don’t think you’ve ever lied to me.” 

I really love this line because I love blatant foreshadowing. But also because in the previous line, Hobie really wasn't lying (as is shown later on).

5: What part was hardest to write? The scene directly before the first cannibalism scene. I'm never too sure how to draw it out and build the tension in the proper way and I'm not entirely too sure I managed it.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics? It's absolutely dripping with paranoia, a lot of what is drawn from my own paranoia (where are my insane babes at ik we're around here somewhere). And also it's one of my most violent fics. Didn't tend to write it before now but I'm really enjoying messing around with it now!

7: Where did the title come from? I was brainstorming with myself after I told the people in the discord that I would try to write something approximating what we'd cooked up together and it took a while (probably about half an hour) before I hit on the story of the boy who cried wolf.

In this context, the boy crying wolf is Peter, whose spider senses are so fucked up that he tends to ignore them when he implicitly trusts people -- which means that when that person isn't in their right state of mind, he dismisses any notion that there might be something wrong.

Simultaneously, the crying wolf is Hobie, who is by far the more dangerous one of them, having been possessed by an actual murderous cannibalistic alien, but who is in much more denial about it. (Literally in the scene where he kills and eats Peter, he refuses to accept what's happened, whereas Peter just told him that it was going to be okay. Both of them are Fucked Up okay.)

Anyway this was a long-winded way of saying that it came from a children's story lol

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it? Yeah!!! In the early days of the noirpunk discord server, we were chucking around the vague idea of symbiote Hobie, throwing out a few vignette scenes and pieces of dialogue, and it was so compelling to me that I said I'd take a crack at it, so here we are! Thanks guys!

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic? AHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHA

Yes. I have an alternate ending kicking around in my head at the moment that I'll probably start with once I'm finished with whumptober and another couple of things I've promised people I'll do </3 the adhd is real you guys

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story? UM?? BECAUSE NOIRPUNK????????

Because this idea was thought up in the noirpunk server with noirpunk in mind and it would have been a disservice to write this pairing as anything other than noirpunk. And also I wanted to give Peter more cannibalism trauma. And at the moment noirpunk is the only thing keeping me sane (which I mean in a very real and worrying way. We ball.)

11: What do you like best about this fic? I got to write cannibalism under the guise of love :>

Also very proud that I came up with the acronym for the D.O.R.M.A.N.T symbiotes

12: What do you like least about this fic? Um. Am I allowed to say my writing. If not, then I know there are plotholes and pieces of lore about the worlds and the symbiotes that don't make sense. Consider: I wanted to write cannibalism.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading? I listened to a lot of Tunng, Troy Kingi and Arab Strap!!

Mostly from Tunng I was listening to a lot of their album Dead Club and out of those were my favourites of Eating the Dead, Man and also Woman (the last two of which are spoken word poems but I choose to treat them as music because they are <333)

Troy Kingi specifically Sleep (Slumber), First Take Strut, and No Reason to 2nd Guess M.G.

Arab Strap specifically The Turning of our Bones, Here Comes Comus! and The Fable of the Urban Fox.

Sleep (Slumber) was looped specifically for scenes where I needed them to be soft with each other. The Turning of our Bones was looped specifically for the cannibalism. Please watch the music video (don't if you're sensitive to gore) because it's actually one of my favourite things in the world.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic? HUNGER AS A METAPHOR FOR DEVOTION. or there might just be a parasite eating your brain lol

Just kidding. Hm. Sometimes we go through something in our lives that's horrific. And we're trying to process it and not getting anywhere because it's so huge that our brains can't wrap themselves around it. Most of the time, we start to convince ourselves that it's us at the core of the problem. Sometimes we are. But to peel back the layers and get to the actual center, there are almost always outside forces that influence us into certain behaviours/choices that we regret later. And that's part of being human!

I'm not saying that you have a parasite in your brain that's making you eat your romantically inclined partner. I'm saying that the love shown in crying wolf is a relatively equal balance of give and take. They try to be as their worlds have shown them that love is, they're unlearning some of the more detrimental things, they're learning and growing together. They take steps back from each other when they need to and try to navigate their situations as well as they can. Idk.

Forgiveness is probably one of the main themes here. Please be gentle with yourself. It's so so important that you are.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic? That I really enjoy writing cannibalism. And that I need to watch a hell of a lot of 30s nyc films and 70s london films because I STILL don't have their turns of phrases down and it's annoying me.

And to take the leap (haha itsv references). This fic was very overwhelming for me at first because I don't tend to write very fast-paced or violent stuff. But I really enjoy reading it and so I really wanted to write it! Even if it isn't that great, I had a blast writing it!

Thank you for sending this ask in!! It's been really good to look past the writing into the inner mechanics of what makes it tick! (And I promise that I'll have that lore post up sometime!! I have not forsaken you!)

Edit: just realised you skipped 12 in your request but in my defence I'm not wearing my glasses and sort of assumed you asked about everything whoops

[aprillikesthings]

OKay gotta distract myself from constantly refreshing my fic and staring at numbers, by continuing my spop rewatch

If you're new here: I'm rewatching all of She-Ra for fic writing purposes, and live-blogging it, with too many screenshots. None of this is spoiler-free. I make a lot of jokes and talk about my life and make references to other shit.

Also, I find Catra's villainy to be kinda hot (okay more than just kinda hot)

s4 ep1 the coronation

"April did you rewatch the Portal scene again"

Yes, because that's where I left it paused, mind your own business

OKAY so I remember this from the first time I watched it, like, four years ago--that of all the emotional stuff this show gets 100% correct, I'm not sure Glimmer's grief over her mother is all that accurately portrayed. She just seems to "get over it" too fast?

By which I mean: yes, it's the focus of this episode, but that's basically it.

When my dad died--and keep in mind I'd been no contact for six months, I'd already done most of my grieving for him!--I was so out of it I couldn't even read anything longer than a few paragraphs for multiple months. All my writing basically screeched to a halt. And Glimmer likes her mom!

BUT tbh I keep remembering someone pointing out that each season covers WAY more time than I originally assumed. Because the first time I watched this I assumed we were like, literally a week or two after the events at the end of s3. It's probably closer to several months. And that makes way more sense.

Also who else is confused as to what "princess" and "queen" even mean in this universe, like there are several princesses who are clearly in charge of their kingdoms? is just when their parents DIE that they become queens? if so wtf is wrong with Frosta's parents "lol you're eight now, time for you to be in charge of literally everything, and you'll never see us again"??

okay but literally did they only ask Mermista to do the flowers as a joke bc I am literally sad for her now :(

There she is!!! 😍

Also I read some (old) commentary from Nate about why her hair is flatter this season and nooooooo

oh hey remember that you tied up Adora

okay do you remember this specific time you tied up Adora lolol

"Don't talk about my ex-girlfriend!!! it's a very sensitive topic *sobs*"

Glimmer's coronation robe is so great. I wonder if, like IRL ones, it's made out some insanely hard-to-get fur and weighs approximately five tons.

The line delivery of "BOW! CALM DOWN!" made me laugh so hard I had to play it for other people and then watch it again.

"Power changes people"

Not everyone is like you!!! >:(

(if anything, responsibility is more likely to change Glimmer)

poor bb

it's Entrapta's little naked mole rat robot!! which is also somehow also a squeaky toy??

Scorpia wants SO BAD to find a way to see Catra as not a terrible person

the robot didn't deserve that

"Don't talk about my ex-girlfriend!!! it's a very sensitive topic *sobs*" (pt 2)

Scorpia is such a cinnamon roll

Adora literally only owns like three outfits. And this is her "nice dress."

Bow's dad's!!

Also this is framed so much like a wedding, even the music is wedding-ish

I'M NOT SAYING A DAMN THING ABOUT THIS

A FRIEND

okay maybe not

I'm sticking with my theory that this is several months after the end of s3 which means she's been like this (unable to teleport) for a while

Yeah, people have discussed this a great deal, re: grief: most people want to talk about the people they've lost, if you give them a safe time/place to do it. You don't have to avoid the subject.

;_;

I once again ask myself: where were you keeping the sword this whole time lolol

NICE (Glimmer put the fancy lantern into the little niche for it)

Aziraphale? Is that you?

IT'S SO CUTE

I wonder when Angella recorded this

YEAH!

where did you get the new outfit 2. isn't your other arm cold 3. she's fucking purring

She says this the exact same way she says "Hey, Adora" and I went "EUGGGH" out loud

Some people were like, "oh, her redemption arc in s5 was so rushed" and meanwhile I'm like, "I wish they'd made her deranged and mean a little longer, actually. For Reasons."

Anyway I've run out of images unless I reblog the post, SO: she yanks the little crystal thing Entrapta made out of Hordak's suit so he collapses and then taunts him with the knowledge that Horde Prime is not gonna be happy to find out he can't even subdue the Rebellion, basically puts herself in charge, end of episode

WOOOOO

[darkestpsi]

when i say that i like both dabi and shouto i dont mean it in the "oh my god they're so hot i wanna fuck them" kinda way or the "lol they both hate their parents just like me fr" way but that i really do understand how its like to grow up around such tough, hard love. to have your entire worth, the level of care and responsiveness you receive in moments you definitely should not be seeking this constant validation but your fucking veggies and milk - all of that being based off just how useful you can be to your parents; being told that the point of your life quite literally is for the fulfilment of thEIR dreams, in THEIR way, under THEIR supervision, yknow?

like, i can literally not even begin to count the many recordings on loop i have of my mums voice in my head telling me to always be better and to do so much more, be so much more - achieve things, great things and live to just please and please and please - for herself, for her dead mother (who probably doesnt even care about half of the shit that i have done since she passed, because dead people cant feel - they cant feel, but somehow their presence still suffocates), for the status and the level of respect itll give both her and my dad (so that they wont ever be referred to as immigrants again) and the amount of money ill eventually get paid thatll somewhat, somehow all go back to them, anyway.

point is, dropping so suddenly from being so loved and praised and shown off when you were younger and tried your hardest to be that bit better to the broken toy you are now, unable to carry out their tasks - demands, even - easily replaced by someone younger, someone so much better than you; worth so much more than you. when they are born.

idk.

i joke alot about how similar my family dynamic is to the todorokis, the distance between me and my siblings now after all it was that we went through together and how im literally doing medicine for my parents so that they can get their doctor, and i can get my peace, but its very truly something ive had no control over my whole entire life. all ive wanted is some damn control. lmao. my mum literally named me after a doctor she saw on tv who was giving a lecture about medicine and i laugh at the fucking irony of it all because god, you dont even realise that this is fucking killing me, ma- but the thing with touya, the parts of him that diverge from my own experiences is the fact that he was able to break free from all of those restraints secured by his family, the goals they set him, the ones he set himself. the guilt and disappointment and oh my god, how could you -why - why would you regret not being able to meet those expectations and him being thrown aside like everything he ever received was so palpable and fleeting because he was a toy, was always a toy to my mum endeavor. he knew he couldnt compete with shouto. shouto the gifted child. the hero. the hate and anger he feels towatds him, idk, it hits so fucking close to home. but i also see so much of myself in the way shouto is so fucking willing to be the good child, the perfect child, who pleases and pleases and pleases; doing everything he is supposed to without retalliation because thats what hes supposed to do and thats what they want him to do and eventually, someday, somewhere he will get his peace as a hero, because he was "born to be the best", born to be a doctor hero - literally both sides of my personality at war oh my god AAAAA

i literally can not help but attach myself to those characters.

[justjasper]

I appreciate your more nuanced take on Spencer's characterization, specially as a autistic person myself 🤝🏼 I hope that you don't mind me putting my own two scents on the conversation (and if you do feel free to ignore this ask entirely lol) : while I am not a big fan of the woobification many autistic coded (mostly) male characters go through in fandoms- I can see kinda in this case where it is coming from. Putting aside the actors more soft-spoken performance and literal permanent puppy-eyes- he tends to....de-escalate things when someone else it's upset, often by lowering his head and murmuring an apology or just looking overall umconfortable instead of bitting back (case in point: that confrontation he had with J.J he had in season 10.)I remember he downright said in season 4 that "men like him don't like conflict" and I strongly believe that is the case since, like mentioned, would rather step back that argue with a fellow teammate, which can be viewed as an more submissive approach....

However it all change when he is on what I call, his self-defense mood. When he is more combative and even snappy (bitchy) toward others is when he himself is struggling through....whatever really. Hell what is awarded as his coolest moment was when he felt the most decieved and betrayed ("This is calm and it's doctor") and even THEN, when confronted about what was really bothered he would rather let out an little not-nice remake and flee the scene.

And then there is the third facet where he is just doing his job and takes no bullshit whatsoever because there are literal lives at the line (my favorite gotta be in season 8 when he is with this camera corp guys and he goes "most people don't read your contract- I am not most people") that is where he can be on his coldest/most detached- er most of the time.

But because of his (proudly admitted by himself lol) need to evade direct conflict- either by just steeping back when someone is upset and tells him off or when he is upset, tells someone off and flees the scene I can SEE why he is generally see as more of a submissive person that he actually is- well that, and again, overall physical presentation and *vague gesturing* all the whump.

My point is- that I think that Spencer is a really fascinating character to study because even though he tries to remain polite and rarely actually raises his voice he seems allergic to confront things head up and even WANT to solve them when upset (and has some of the funniest roasts at this show) and, as TvTropes states "can misses sarcasm and irony, but isn't sure unable to use it" and while I NORMALLY would side eye the Tv screen for portraying an very clearly ND character as someone that primary go-to when upset is to....do an tantrum (that frame where everyone is on court in 7x1 sitting all serious and stuff and he is sitting....like that it's just glorious) I DO think that Spencer would had turned out like this regardless- he was Parentified after all. His apparently inability to push an upsetting subject when told off (there are exceptions when he actually puts his foot down ofc course but even then it normally takes several rounds -13x15-) and his more than volite and...well, unmature responses to say, loss, and overall poor emotional Management are to be expected of someone that pretty much, raised himself. Intelligentually above his peers, emotionally- it's complicated.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!

[barnabyseyelashes]

crewmate’s log

life (?) update

been writing this for a while mentally i guess. really good at just thinking things and not doing them. but an update bc i know i’ve been absent; for some of you longer than others, and i do regret and am sorry for that. i do love and care about you and think about you all even when i am gone, and i hope everyone has been holding on. 

i feel like i’m one of the maquis adrift on the voyager, and it has been a long, lonely hard travel. and unfortunately often i feel like a worse person for it. 

general c/tw for illness/covid/cancer, IPV, parental death. it is kinda long so feel free to skim/skip as needed. 

my spouse and i have very little IRL support, we have been paying over $4k usd a month on rent alone, my mom and sister are the only family i’ve spoken to since december. spouse working full time in thankfully a better job with a shorter commute but having to care full time for me & our elderly ill cat when at home. 

and this is probably the sickest i’ve ever been in my life which is saying a lot, considering ive been poisoned by toxic black mold before & have dealt with literally crippling stomach issues previous. ever since november everything has been happening. i slept basically all december, i was too tired to be awake more than 3-5 hours at a time most days. i haven’t even been able to wash my hair or proper shower since. much of december and january i was unable to walk (and i mean literally dragging myself with my arms/using my moms walker as crutches unable to walk) which was a fun new exciting development. thankfully we started to live our current place by then, as our apartment is on the second floor with awful cinder stairs. though we still haven’t moved for real and are stuck paying for it until near may. soooo really uh not jazzed to find out how we will move in the next two months when i still have days i can’t walk. especially since again we basically have no IRL support. i’m doing better at least a little, i’ve started nutrient IV therapy again which is helping even if it’s extremely difficult (and expensive). my stomach is still so fucked up that i can barely eat. it’s so clenched all the time if i have more than like 3 crackers i will have Lead Weight and 6-10 hours of pain :) thank you cannabis literally without her i would not be eating at all. even still i’m belching like a beer hall competitor for hours most days it fucking sucks. the only real progress tho has been that at least i’ve been having a lot fewer panic attacks and less general anxiety now that we are living in our new spot which i’m very grateful for. kinda surprising bc usually if my stomach hurts i have anxiety and often panic so that at least has been a relief. the rest of my brain has been fucking trash garbage tho, nonverbal or partially verbal mostly. multiple meltdowns a week when b4 it was a biannual occurrence. no brain power, lots of autistic rage & ideation. just awful to be & inflict on everyone else. i am sorry for that. it is largely why i shut down at times. i simply fucking have to. 

obviously i’ve been too sick to really do anything but spouse and i are deep in our pokémon hole and it’s keeping us good company. lol despite the graphics scvi are pretty good games. writing? character development? in MY pokémon main series game? more likely than you think.. 

still it’s so bittersweet to be saying sayonara to satoshi shounen, ah ah ahhh i’m gonna cry so hard (already have). but i think the new series will be good. it will just be different. 

also i was blessed bc in the first 30 min of playing i caught a shiny mareep, one of my top 6 fave lines and one of my fave shinies. i only caught 1 in pogo and so i was so jazzed. she’s carried us 💖 my beloved deanna (like dddk, not tng) 

one of the things that’s also been good is our new living situation, even if its annoying and complicated sometimes to share with other people, i’m glad we are living with my literal oldest friend and the only person from high school i still talk to lol. we have a cottage, bigger than our old one, and even tho it doesn’t have a bathroom, the insulation & windows are shit, it’s been good. & it is under 2k a month, we got a small room in the main house now too so spouse has an office & we have some extra storage. but the best is having space to make a large, productive garden, and my friends 3 ducks and 3 chickens. skip the next part if you don’t wanna see my essay about them LMAO.  

and omg gay people, i’ll never not be raising poultry now. bird flu in domestic flock was finally detected in our county this winter, which makes me sweat a bit but fingers crossed we will be ok. my friends ex (who lived here b4 us) did most of the bird care. since i’ve been here tho it’s basically all been me, and of my choice. tricky when i have been sick but truthfully they take about 20 min a day of daily care, and maybe an hour a week of general maitenence. in early autumn when we got here, it was so easy to be outside for hours with them.. no one had ever been able to pet them before. my friend wasn’t even trusted enough to see the duckies swim in their pool while she was in the yard! nowadays the two nonskittish ducks are happy to pop in there even if i’m in the splash zone 🤣 i’m awful i do love the ducks best because they are sweet, simple creatures who know what’s good in life (treats, bodies of water, naps, frequent loud gay sex) while the chickens are a bit mean 😭 i still haven’t resolved the pecking order issues (the lowest chicken, emma [cream legbar], always beats up on the nervous duck, lydia [ancona]) but hopefully in summer i’ll be able to help shift that. kitty (brown khaki campbell) & jane (silver welsh harlequin) are very well trained to “cmere” and eat readily (jane, too readily..) from my hand. the dominant chickens, boss lady/lizzie (black ameraucana supposably) & eleanor (grey lace silverruds blå) will do the same but they aren’t quite as good at the recall lol. i’ve been reading on raising them all, working on gentling them, and enriching their lives.. i love it. they have really helped me, especially kitty. she is very special. she is the smallest but she lays the hugest fucking eggs, and since mid autum it’s been DAILY. like lord girl you gotta stop and moult eventually your feathers are so tatty. spouse has breakfast every day now though. i’m allergic to eggs so 😂 oh well. they’re great fun to raise regardless. (i’ve even recently gotten skittish lydia to eat worms from my hand, so i’ve officially touched them all!!) 

anyway i could talk about my beloved birds for fuckin ever obviously lol but i also wanna write about my family a bit too, bc so much has happened. tw covid , IPV , cancer 

i may have had covid in summer/early fall but my mom and sis got it for real, both of them in december/january. i don’t remember which. my mom got hers likely from the hospital cuz her ONCOLOGIST told her to get her mri there instead of the specialty mri clinic :) which is nice. my mom has lymphoma as well as several autoimmune diseases and pretty severe mental illness. she has been sick in and off since. she is sick rn & i am missing this weeks IV because of that. so shout out to california removing mask requirements in healthcare settings as of april 🤮👍 

my sister got hers from her shitty ex bf. that man supported her while she dealt with numerous health issues and surgeries in.. 2020..1? 21 i think. idk. maybe both. he supported her thru the hell that the last year was. up until last month when he fucking attacked her over a disagreement about a LITTER BOX. literally grabbed her , held her, and dumped dirty cat litter box over her head then destroyed the box with a huge chefs knife. bc that’s a really normal response. my sister had to call the cops. she’s gonna get a restraining order against him and his fucked up parents. but now she’s out she’s realized he had been abusing her verbally & emotionally like their whole relationship. 💔 i’m just so glad she fucking survived and he didn’t do worse, good god. she has been staying in our apartment most of the winter bc covid and now until she can get her own place so even tho we are hemmoraghing money on that shithole, at least it’s useful.. bc lol my moms husband literally told my sister “well in your bfs defense, any guy would react like that to a woman behaving like that” LIKE UM? NO?!??!? so she isn’t comfortable being there. spouse and i never felt safe around that man and it is a large reason we moved from my cottage at my moms to my dads place to begin with. so at least we have officially broken off any relationship to that trash man which is great but my mom won’t leave him so i have to just make my peace that disease will take her if he doesn’t someday. fun stuff. 

tw parental death

also cool and fun things happening lately is that this saturday it will have been a year since my fathers physical form drew breath. to say this last 15 or so months have sucked shit is the biggest understatement ever. my aunt currently has like two days to settle his estate; yes she still has a large proportion of my sister & my inheritance. no i haven’t seen or spoken to her since my grandpas funeral in september but i’m the “child of her heart” like ok. & my da had a reverse mortgage on our home of 20 years, and they forced us to sell it within a few months instead of the 12 legally we were allowed. that move was absolute hell. and i had to spend 8k on movers just for some of them to 1% ass it; they literally broke multiple peices of my dads ceramic artworks bc i tried and tried to get people to help me pack them but no one but my mom did. she couldn’t manage them all. it’s hard to forgive myself. it’s so fucking enourmous to bear the weight of knowing i have to be the one who cares for and maintaines his body of work, at least the bulk of it. god that fucker i’m still mad he gave away my favourite bowl to a goddamn woman he met at the pool LMFAO classic mike manoeuvre. one of his brothers took the fish vase i wanted too.. and the vase that matches the one he was throwing when my moms water broke with me. if it was steve i forgive you because my uncle steve also is dying of bladder cancer rn (da had multiple myeloma, diagnosed 2016) and i feel shit for not speaking with him for months but. illness. larry you’re on thin ice, hugh if it was you i’ll kill you myself 🔪  same for you mary especially cuz u actually knew i wanted that shit. 

dads bday was literally in january but did any one of those bitches text me? no. did any of his friends text me? no. tbf i can barely respond to texts but like still.. i feel bad i haven’t seen or called my grandma but also. illness! been nonverbal most days! so like 🥲 everyone else has their grief too i get it but lol to have everyone say “we will be there for you” and for literally no one to be seen its very hurtful. at least one of his friends text me to check in on me and my sister yday. but it really truly feels like no one gives a shit. and with my moms lack of health i’m having to prepare to be an orphan within 5 years.  

my sister bought a star for him months ago in some registry. i didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was near meaningless, these registries aren’t anything, no one can own these things. but on clear nights i still look off the leading edge of the plow into whatever near nothingness that faint light is coming from, adrift in emptiness. 

———

anyways that’s pretty much all from me. (is it enough LOL. happy saturn return with saturn in sideral aquarius. in my 1H too 😩) as i get better i will be getting back slowly into discord and shit, i’ve literally just been too exhausted and unable to function. some of yiz have known abt some of this, but mostly my main acct tweeps & tumblr muts haven’t, so i just figured i would write this, and maybe it would help me in some way. hopefully i’ll be back on tumblr soon too, i literally just can’t use it with our internet (and lack of) here lmfao. i’ll slowly be getting this out to my e-circles as i have energy in the next days. 

sending love to you all in pawsitivity discord; yuri horse club, gabriel, kurt & folks from tumblr; and all the rest of yiz. (i don’t mean to forget or omit anyone, honest). i hate that illness & shit has kept me from you. the last year has taught me well to value the time we have and it is not guaranteed. i love you all, i miss you, and i am wishing you well. i am hoping to reconnect soon. beannachtaí 💚💙💜