#literally the only thing keeping me held up is my bf's existence

[tamagotchikgs]

everything is back on its normal course, i always get shift as the months turn colder from bingeing 2 restricting and more anxious and more paranoid due 2 that except this time i have the weight of knowing i Was Better anxiety-wise even just a little bit. i wonder why i feel so bad and then i remember i went from going to therapy every single week & then the connections program everyday n getting paid and being given Hope for a future to losing it all and going right back to being fully isolated irl

[cosmic-walkers]

enough time has passed but something about the way nonblack and even some black people would cling on to louis and be very empathetic and understanding of his struggle as a black queer man, but in the same breath would be very cruel to black women in his narratives like claudia and his sister, and the black girls he pimped out, makes me realize how louis was a character that certain people clung on to to say that they cared about queer black people and our struggles, but because of that they felt they had an excuse to be misogynistic to black women. it's that whole 'louis is my favorite character, he is a black and queer man so even if i say unfair things about the black women in the show, I'm not racist because i like louis'. Keep in mind, Louis himself has a history of repeated violence against black women.

I saw this post on twitter, mostly being consumed by nonblack people and it shocked me the way that people completely reworte grace's character and her relationship with louis to make her seem worse than lestat. nevermind the fact that grace accepted louis and his sexuality and was kind to him, and the only reason she started turning on him was because he became distant and violent after being with lestat.

The need to call an actual black woman racist, when lestat is right there-- who is canonically racist and compared to a slave master is beyond me. but it makes me realize the hostility for black women in shipping spaces, and how a lot of nonblack, and yes, some black people liking louis gives them a certain shield to release that misogynoir because they know at large they won't be held accountable. Loustat is a big ship, the most popular, louis is the most liked character, of course when black women - the most hated people in fandom spaces - go after him it's a free for all.

Keep in mind, this is their mother's service, and both Louis, Claduia and Lestat were incredibly disrespectful. Keep in mind the time, when racism was also a huge issue. So bringing a man who IS racist to a somber BLACK family function like this...yeah... Grace has every right to be mad. Especially after all the chances given.

Op also brings up this scene. Again it's crazy to me how Grace, a Black woman who has also faced this type of racism if not WORSE is suddenly painted as a racist when Lestat himself is standing right there. Yes, back then it was (and still is) racist for white people to call men boys, but assuming that Grace is doing it because of racism, and not the fact that at this point after abandoning his family, Louis lives completely off of Lestat. This again, shows a divide, because why are you as a non-black person calling a Black woman racist and comparing her to a racist lawyer and not his actual racist white bf.

I also saw this response to that very tweet, and we see a person actually happy that louis is violent toward her.

like i mentioned before, louis has a history of violence toward black women. his sister, the girls he pimped and claduia. instead of seeing that as something to be called out about his character, people are extremely happy when he enacts violence toward black women. so yeah, food for thought.

and i also show this pic below. Louis kisses/touches her without her consent. she is afraid of him, he has been violent toward her. he threatens violence against, and he touches/kisses her without her consent to show her that he has the ability to hurt and harm her and no one can stop him if he wants to.

This doesn't stop with Grace.

Like it's clockwork. Louis is violent to Cluadia, and then throughout season 2 in France he is emotionally distant and abusive toward her. her whole existence is to cater to his needs and desires because he wanted her. their relationship started off as a form of exploitation, desire and abuse to please HIM and at the end of the day she suffered for it and he still gets to live, he finds lestat at the end, etc. but black women in his life literally suffer.

Lastly, I wanna say that it's clear louis is in an abusive relationship of some sorts, and I'd be open to talking about that if OP and a lot of other loustat shippers didn't make it seem like Grace is worse to Louis than lestat ever was.

update:

then we have gems like this <3.

[diedbutterflies69]

Will you stay?- Bang Chan imagine.

Contains: friends to lovers au. , Divorce, smut, fluff, blindfolding, oral sex, explicit sexual stuff etc . Minors don't interact.

Never once on your life, you thought you could get your shit together and laugh genuinely at the worst in world. falling out of love is worse but it's even more worse if it's your it's not you who fell out of love. Married at 22 and the honeymoon phase hardly lasted for a year and by the age of 26 got yourself labelled as a woman who sabotaged her own marriage in thirst of money. Your ex husband was bitter about your success even before you got married. He thought as a woman, you just did bare minimum and got yourself a high positioned rank by sleeping with one of the rich rags. You tried hard enough to hold on to that rotten red string , but he had the scissors and just cut you off. You weren't willing to sacrifice your career just because of his Immature mindset, yes you loved him, but can't a women love her own hard achieved success more? That's the question you wished to ask everyone who pointed there fingers at you. After divorce you didn't feel pain just numbness. Your self-hatred coming more stronger than ever, even hating the job, you tried Saving since years, getting life on track seemed impossible and at the end just quitted. Moved out of the city just to move back to your home town, the root of your real pain. It wasn't really a town but rather a more flashy city, expensive shits which you were unable to afford in childhood but now it wasn't any big deal. Earth is round and sometimes precious people find you all by themselves. Your highschool friend, the only friend you had throughout your lifetime because of your anti social tactics.

Bang Chan, the social butterfly who almost knew every single student in whole school, he was the hottest guy you ever saw in your life and also the kindest. You had crush on him even before you both were friends, he was your senior,used to help you with those shitty math sums, crack jokes every now and then and scolded you whenever you procrastinated. He came to congratulate you even on your graduation day, even though there were many more students whom he met you were still glad atleast someone bought you a beautiful bouquet of tulips and bellflower. The last time you saw him was before you moved out in search of cheap collages without informing him, as you thought you were just one of many friends he had and won't ever notice someone like you existed.

But god, how much wrong you were.

You met Chan after almost 9 years in convince store and his reaction was almost priceless , like finding treasure. He was now more handsome, beautiful and god-like even after all this years his style of dressing didn't Changed much, he still looked like Kim Kardashian at 2021 met Gala. nevertheless his smile still had those healing properties with his Cresent moon eyes. He was absolutely stunning.

The first sentence he spoke after confirming your identity was 'I missed you' and then tons of lectures and questions . Knowing how narrow-minded you were he gasped dramatically. Cheesiest ways of saying how could I forget my best friend and so on. That day was probably the best day of your life and maybe even the day after years you really smiled. You both exchanged numbers and addresses and his home was just 10 minutes away from yours. Destiny indeed.

Now it's been over 7 months since you met Chan again and he never made you felt like you were just one of his 109 friends. Chan made you feel special, after knowing what kind of disaster you faced he was even more supporting of you, you both used to spend weekend together watching variety of shows and movies going to stargazing, best friend goals. After many years you knew even if Chan had many people to confide with he never really did. He was alone, just a night owl obsessed with work. You were happy. And he was happy too. Being just friends was enough for you, but not for him . He was slowly trying to find courage to confess his love to you. He liked you fuck from highschool days. He found you once randomly staring at him across the room and when you suddenly disappeared all his fantasies were scattered, he knew your dreams and was willing to help you with your every step. knowing how messed up your household was from your neighbours he felt guilty for not being able to give you happiness. He loved you, but was helded by his own insecurities.

Not anymore though, he wasn't the same coward who just stared at the love of his life from distance. Being the extra human he was, he bought you one of the most expensive restaurant of the whole country, man was loaded. After driving for almost 5 hours you both finally reached there .

Now a nervous Chan sitting infront of you. You being oblivious to the fact that he has a beautiful diamond ring and a confession to make. Chan handed you the menu card and every single dish had an extraordinary name, without much thought you placed the order.

"atleast tell me now, why are we here?" You asked the man infront of you who was behaving extra weird today, he looked sick and was occassionally asking you random questions.

"No reason, I was in mood for long drives and... You know have a nice meal" Chan said fidgeting with his fingers he was acting like a flustered high school guy it was clearly indicating that he was lying but you didn't really care, Chan was weird sometimes.

"Sounds fake, but okay. By the way you aren't sick right?" You asked Chan out of pure concern as he was sweating profusely even in an cold AC room.

"I am fine, just feeling a little hot. Don't worry", Chan said it was more like he was convincing himself that he was fine and shouldn't worry. He wasn't a teenager but a human with responsibilities who once again fell for someone out of his league, he used to think that and he still sees you as a literal goddess. While he was lost deep in his thoughts, the waiter came with food , and this was his opportunity to shoot his arrow. You both started eating and talked like being in paradise.

"did you liked anyone in highschool?", Chan asked you out of blue making you almost choke on food. The only person whom you liked throughout your highschool days was the guy sitting infront of you and you didn't really remembered much guys and the best answer was probably saying a lie with little truth.

"no one lol", you answered trying to sound chilled but since highschool crush topic was out you weren't able to keep your curiosity with yourself.

"What about you, liked someone?", You asked trying to sound nonchalant and not desperate and bitter.

This was the Exactly the conversation that Chan planned in his mind. And here started his way to either heaven or pit of rejection.

"I loved someone", Chan said and you this time you really choked from the depth of your heart, you thought Chan was anti romantic type of guy as he never talked about of his female friends with you or bragged about his non existent dating life. Trying again to not sound jealous or bitter you spoke again.

" Who was that lucky bit-- I mean girl yes girl? Who was she?", You asked, almost letting out the bitch loudly. You weren't sure but you saw Chan smiling cheekily, he was really getting old acting weird more and more everyday.

"Well... Someone from our school",Chan said and you swear you didn't made a disgusting face showing pure jealousy. The best human in your life and your first ever crush had crush on somebody, you didn't knew why you were feeling so fucking bitter but you weren't able to handle the curiosity anymore.

"Tell me her damn name", you asked Chan in a frustrating tone not being able to keep jealousy to yourself.

"Why you being angry", Chan asked followed by his small laugh.

"I am angry, just the food was a little spicy you answer me now, her name?", You answered Chan with your defenses up and still sticking with your previous question.

Chan in response got a little serious now,you thought he was being childish now, he wasn't a kid who was given a dare to name out his crush yet he was acting like one.

"You won't leave me right, I mean after I answer your question?", Chan asked you and you didn't knew what to say in response you were now a little sus about him.

"fine don't answer, keep secrets", you said and continued eating. The next thing Chan said made you now choke and die on food.

"I loved you and I still love you" Chan said looking down at the table head hanging down like his teenage self just confessed he watched porn infront of his parents. You were shocked, frozen and the your heartbeat 10x faster, you didn't knew how to react and tried to find humor in this extraordinary situation.

"Chan, you kidding right?", You asked Chan with a nervous smile on your face. Chan looked up at you , his eyes trying to find yours but you avoided the eye contact.

"I am serious, I liked you from HighSchool times, I saw you for the first time in library when you were looking at me, I swear you were so beautiful and even now after all this years after seeing you I can't, I can't help but fall for you all over again, sorry"

Chan confessed, his voice filled with sincerity and vulnerability his sentences were scattered here and there and incomplete explanation but still you understood everything he really poured his heart to you, you felt like crying even if you both weren't such stupid cowards back then, then today you won't have turned out a divorced women and Chan a guy who grew out lonely even if he had a world for him.

"What should I say Chan?", You asked Chan you were sounding like a girl whose bf told her to breakup even if the situation was exact opposite. Even if you love Chan , you didn't think about him reciprocating same feelings back to you. You were beyond insecure with your love emotions. One thing was sure you won't be able to love Chan without being a bundle on him. Your emotion Baggage was too big and you didn't want Chan to get his heart too with your stupid emotions.

"I love you and I will be really really good to you. Please try staying with me I will try really hard to earn space in your heart, please?" His confession was like literally begging. You weren't able to believe if he was real or not, if it was a dream that will end as soon as cruel morning comes, this felt like fantasy. Chan was a amazing man, he had everything money ,honour ,beauty a nice heart. He was like a character written by women so perfect so delicate yet strong, and he loves you this fact was enough for to lose your mind. but you thought you were a taint to his beauty, you were a character full of inferior complexes and a person too easy to dislike thats what illusion you made about yourself. A random extra in her own story.

"I will pay the bill, let's talk later", you said and walked away immediately to pay the bill leaving a clueless and disheartened human behind. Chan was able to see how you stopped yourself from saying love you too and throwing yourself in his arms. He wasn't same from HighSchool a guy who gets overwhelmed by his own emotions and gets unable to see others. He knew you had atleast a small space for him in your heart and to make a big room for himself he had to throw out all your insecurities and self hatred. He followed you like a lost puppy and he wanted to pay for food but you already did and now you were already out of restaurant searching for his car to get back.

Chan sitted beside you, without doing anything silence and awkward air surrounding you both.

"start the car", you said breaking down the silence, you were extremely worthless and trash as you made the only one person whom you love feel like nothing.

"Just answer me, will you try dating me please", Chan said his voice again passing draggers into your heart. Trying to form any logical explanation you spoke again.

"I am not looking for relationship right now, see Chan you are amazing, but I can't make you happy now and did you forgot that I am divorced, please understand" you said expressing your real insecurities and fear, fear of not being able to keep a man happy.

"you don't want relationship because you divorced that fucking trash of a man?", Chan asked he was getting frustrated you thought but he just wanted to make you happy and not deny what your heart wants.

"my mind isn't stable, I might just irritate you everytime with my mood, you will will get tired of me and leave me -- I don't want to be alone again I will die if you leave me", you confessed tears threatening to fall out of your eyes there wasn't any doubt that you loved Chan he filled the void in you in just months made you happy but you didn't wanted to just take and take and give nothing in return. Chan's hand found yours interlocking your fingers with so much delicateness that you might cry.

"you think so low of me, just stay by my side I will make you so happy that you will hardly get time to think about your past, trust me", Chan said his fingers slightly lifting your chin up to look into your eyes, you looked in his eyes filled with so much care and this was your last straw before breaking down in his arms.

"I love you, I love you so fuckin much, you were my first love my only friend, my everything, please-- please love me", you confessed tightening your arms around Chan, his scent making you feel safe and like home, his one caressing your hair and other wiping away the tears. Even though the scene was more like a dramatic clique scene whatever emotions you both felt was unexplainable.

"So you my girlfriend now hmm?"Chan asked you for first time in night his voice containing pure happiness and excitement.

"I have a sexy boyfriend", you said smiling from ear to ear against Chan's chest. The label boyfriend making your heart flutter, you didn't knew happiness like this can even exist.

"My love", Chan said his voice sweeter than honey, suddenly the night was more starry."now can we go home?" You asked Chan finally breaking the hug, reality hitted you now Home was 3- 4 hours away.

"I made a reservation in hotel, we gonna spend night there", Chan casually said making your heart jump out of your chest.

"pervert, you planned everything seriously", you said dramatically and giving him a playful digusting look.

"I booked two rooms", Chan said now starting the engine making you feel embarrassed. "Who is pervert now~" Chan said in air teasing you more.

The rest of the ride you both talked about anything and everything. Confessing how you used to find ways to always be in each others vision etc. Both of you finding a new thirsty side of each other. Nothing felt uncomfortable, it was happiness those inhumane laughs crazy tricks you both used to pull everything was heaven. After some time you both reached infront of a gaint hotel , it looked expensive af but regardless Chan knew how to waste money and you were tired of lecturing him about savings.

"let's go", Chan said removing your seatbelt and getting out of car to open the door for ya. He was being so cheesy gentleman and you were enjoying every minute.

"room 42 and 43" Chan said to the receptionist and she handed two keys to him. Thanking her then getting on elevator, you were a little disappointed that you weren't sharing room with Chan, yes you were pervert and total simp for Chan, he was too hot and your sexual drive was getting higher each passing second. The elevator doors opened and you got off. Chan handed you the room key and softly kissed your forehead, both you wished it was your lips.

"if you want anything, just knock okay?" Chan said in his lovely tone, I want you you internally screamed, nevertheless you gave him a nod and got inside that expensive room .

Starring at the ceiling while lying on the bed your mind was full of Chan, you knew he wasn't probably sleeping and was wasting time in watching random shit on internet and you were hungry, hungry for Chan, it wasn't your fault that Chan was so hot. Trying to fall asleep and fidgeting here to there you finally decided to knock on Chan's room door. A danger zone. You noticed how the door flunged open in less than few seconds.

"Hi" you said scratching back of your head and trying to think what next to say.

"Hi..?"Chan said being confused.

"there is cockroach in my room, let me stay with you" you said a clear white lie. Taking impulsive action were never good for you.Chan sighed before opening the door fully and signalling you to come. This was your happiest day ever.

"whY you lying", Chan asked you as you plopped yourself on sofa besides bed. He asked the sentence in a sarcastic way.

"Do you you wanna kiss me?", You asked Chan with a straight serious face catching him off-guard, you didn't wanted to waste more time, you wanted to do everything with Chan, yes fucking on first day of dating was a little too early but you fantasized about this gorgeous man since ages, in your eyes he looked total dom but his reaction to your question was making you doubt your thoughts.

"Are you sure", Chan asked you clearing his throat.

"Are you virgin?"you asked Chan, he was being too nervous.

"Obviously not"Chan answered you in duh tone, rolling his eyes. And it was getting awkward.

"The cockroach must have gone by now I should go, bye", you blabbered and got up ready to leave, you were about to open the door but Chan grabbed your hand and before you knew anything his hands were on your cheeks cupping them softly and his lips so close to yours, Chan's eyes were looking straight in your orbs , your heartbeat stronger than ever.

"Can I?", Chan asked your consent his thumb softly brushing against your lower lip. This man had totally made you insane, something stirred inside you. Chan was perfect he was everything you wished. You gave him a small nod and slowly his lips touched against yours, you wanted to cry, his lips felt so good, he didn't rushed his movements everything was happening in slow motion, he holded you with such a vulnerability like he was afraid that you will go, your hand reached his head, fingers moving through his soft locks. You felt his tongue inside your mouth , you felt a electricity run down your body when the kiss deepened.

We kiss again. The next kiss is the kind that breaks open the sky. It steals my breath and gives it back. It shows me that every other kiss I’ve had in my life has been wrong.

Breaking the kiss Reluctantly in need of air, Chan rested his forehead against yours. He was hot almost like burning, sweating.

"Why are you so nervous, Chan?", You asked Chan hugging him tightly clinging like the last leaf to the tree.

"I am scared, I just love you", He said engulfing you in his arms. And you Finally felt, what real love feels like.

"Love you too", you replied softly.

"Do you wanna continue..?"Chan asked you his tone little less scared.

"Off course", you said looking at him with smile, something inside you told it was okay to let out your freaky side infront of Chan. Chan smiled back and suddenly turned you around , the large bed infront of you.

"Lie down there",Chan whispered in your ears , his low register sending shivers down your spine. This was exactly how you pictured Chan to be, your inner submissive almost died. You followed Chan's word and laid on your back on the bed, now you were feeling like a virgin. His eyes roaming through the room in search of something.

"Are you okay with being blindfolded?", Chan asked you as he came back with the tie he wore today and was rolling it slightly in his palms, and you swear you never saw a man so hot in your entire life. Getting blindfolded was one of your unfulfilled kinks.

"ye- yes", you replied your tone filled with thrill and excitement. Chan came back to you standing near you, his hand softly cupped your cheeks , before bringing the tie to use it in sinistrous way tonight. The cloth felt strange to your eyes, his cologne smell hitting you and Chan caught your shy smile, His heart felt so fluffy. Tieing a comfortable knot Chan sat on bed near your waist. His hands slowly crept near your stomach leaving a direct lingering touch on the sensitive skin, eventually going upwards while giving a little squeeze to add stimulation, his hands reached your boobs, you didn't wore bra, and he wasn't surprised maybe your nipples perked up enough to get noticed, his middle and index finger Rolling your sensitive bundle of nerves, the blindfold making his every touch more intense, your breath was heavy you let out a suprised moan when Chan gropped your right boob in an erotic way, this sole action increasing your wetness down there you were getting impatient. You moaned his name a little loudly when his lips came in contact with your sensitive neck, sucking in a painful way, inorder to leave a hickey.

"Should I touch you here", Chan asked you as his hand reached to your area where you needed him to the most, hands going directly inside your panties ,but not touching he was a teaser.

"yes please", you moaned almost breathlessly too tired of intense foreplay. You just wanted Chan to rip off your clothes and fuck you till sunrise. Getting satisfaction with your answer Chan finally removed every clothing of your lower body, leaving you completely bare, all at his mercy. His finger moved up and down on your opening , the wetness making Chan easily slip his one finger deep inside you.

" my baby is so wet, because of who?", Chan asked you as his finger was moving slowly inside of you and thumb rubbing circles on the bundle of nerves.

"because of.. you", you admitted without any hesitation trying to grind yourself on his hand, begging for more.

"Good", Chan said and without saying anything he added another finger inside you moving a little faster inside your cunt, rubbing your walls with a little pressure, scissoring them inside you painfully and making way for a third finger too and by then you were a complete moaning mess, his fingers were pleasure yet torture the blindfold making your senses weak. Mind full of whatever Cham was giving you. Your legs were shaking sign of your orgasm approaching you, by one hand Chan holded your thighs tightly to their place fingers now moving more faster to make you reach the peak of pleasure.

"Chan.. I--I-I-- wanna cum please", you moaned your little squeaks and begs almost making Chan's cock cum right inside boxers. With some final thrust of his fingers, you cummed the hardest you could imagine, squeaky sounds coming as Chan was fingering you through your orgasm, you almost crying from overstimulation. Moaning his name like a chant.

"you did well",Chan praised you finally removing his fingers from you leaving you empty, but it won't have last wrong. Chan removed your blindfold , the bright lights hurting your eyes, you adjusted your vision and the image of Chan sucking his wet fingers coated with your liquid came directly in front of your eyes. Letting out a helpless whine.

Chan plopped himself on knees on either side of your thighs, finally letting his cock out, leaking with precum, and he was big, thick , you didn't thought he could get even hotter.

"Ready baby?", Chan asked you as he fully undressed himself as well as removing your top, your mind hazey . The scene which you pictured since highschool finally happening.

"yes", you replied Chan, he came down to kiss you passionately and slowly entering inside you. You moaned painfully, tears pulling your vision, it was a painful pleasure. Chan kissed away your tears and hand interlocking with yours after finally being fully inside you he started to move at slow pace.

"you feel so good Chan", almost screaming from pleasure, your whines were fuel to Chan's ego and he increased the pace. Body slapping sound filling the room, his groans were most sexy thing you ever heard. Again and again his tip hitting your deepest spots.

"I am close", you moaned out breathlessly, pleasure becaming too much to handle .you released around his cock, reaching the peak second time at night.

After giving a few more thrusts Chan cummed at your stomach, he was still sane enough to not curse you with kids while being lost in pleasure."I love you", he said as he settled beside you hugging you tightly. This was heaven.

"love you too", you said , your voice a little hoarse.

"by the way I forgot that I bought a ring to propose you", Chan said, realisation hitting him, that he forgot to say the long ass paragraph that he was supposed to say while sitting on one knee. You smiled at his guilty face.

"don't worry, propose me after having shower", you said heart filled with pure joy and happiness . Happiness of knowing that You love someone who will always love you back.

[goodtimingz]

dreaming you would come true

intro. pt1. pt2. pt3. pt4. pt5.

AN: check the intro out^, as usual, if jae ever hunts for fic again i’ll cry. btw stream zombie!!!!!! sorry if it’s boring ;-; i have mundane relationship goals and i want to ask my future bf about psychology so if u study psych hmu lol

tags: studentlife, jae day6, fluff, college!au

: the one where you meet jae in your second year of college and it’s basically love at first sight. just little excerpts of what i think a relationship w jae would be like c: 

1.4k words

What can I do? I just like being with you.

Studying Psychology was great, when you were stressed you just pulled out your notes and cried into them. Which is exactly what you felt like doing at that moment, 10pm in the corner of the library. The library was reasonably packed, as it always was during finals. Just a bunch of students trying to cram a semesters worth of knowledge, some successful and others crying in the corner. You weren’t sure which group you fit into, but you were definitely questioning your existence in that moment.

The lanky boy from last week had been meeting you every night since you first met, an unspoken commitment but a consistent one nevertheless. Infact, he should be arriving about… now.

His ruffled hair and tired eyes met yours almost immediately. It had been only a few days but you were smiling at him like he already owned your heart, the smile he sent back making it harder to breathe.

“Yo y/n, what’s with the raccoon eyes, next time I see you are you gonna be in the trash?” No hello, just Jae as usual. You breathed out a sarcastic laugh wondering how he managed to look so casual? His grey hoodie had to be made from a very special material… boyfriend material.

“Ha. Ha, I actually might be though if I drop out and become homeless. Would you still hang out with me if I was a raccoon?” Jae rests his chin in his hands pretending to think it over.

“Well, raccoon’s are cute. I think having a raccoon friend would be pretty fun.” 

“Of course your logic is spot on, good to know I have a home if I really do drop out.”

,

Jae laughs, he wants to reach out and touch your face, brush his hands through your hair and jab you in your sides until you can’t stop laughing. He would do a lot to keep that smile on your face. 

The past few days you two had formed a routine without words, it kind of just happened. Bonding over your love for food, deep conversations and jokes, you two hit it off harder than Brian hitting Wonpil’s cup over in Music class.  Even though Jae had felt like a total simp at first, going to the library with the sole purpose of meeting you the day after the phone drop, he was pleasantly surprised when you swiped half of your stuff to one side of the desk and waved him over.

Every time you smiled at him, he reminded himself to breathe. He had to be alive if he wanted to take you out, so breathing was important even when you made it so damn hard. He wasn’t super affectionate romantically but boy did he want to be now. You plagued his thoughts, at night he craved the feeling of you in his arms, in the day he wondered what it would be like to walk around with your hand in his. At lunch his thoughts drew back to you. One week had been the best torture ever.

“Jae, what are your thoughts on labels?” You perked up from his side, interrupting his thoughts of you as he pretended to scroll through his Ebook.

“Labels? Like boyfriend and girlfriend?” He asked, turning to face you with a teasing grin.

,

“Hmm... similar concept!” You couldn’t help but smile in his direction. I mean… if you would be my boyfriend? You had to physically shake the thought out as Jae watched you with amusement in his eyes. “I mean, for my exam we have to discuss labelling in society, how would you label me?”

“I would label you a panda. You’re cute, you’re clumsy and you’re tired.”

“Jae, I am not clumsy, you can’t say that when you literally tripped up the stairs yesterday!” You pointed, laughing at the image. Had Jae called you cute just then? You tried to overlook it. Cute was something people called pets and small things, maybe he just seen you as small.

“How can you forget that you literally dropped your phone 8 times since we’ve met, and we only hang at night time in one place. You have butter fingers!” He had a point but you shot him a childish glare. So your phone had gone through some hard times, but Jae had literally dropped his when you first met so who was the real butter fingers?

“Don’t you think it’s time for a boba run?” Changing the topic was the only way you’d escape, or it’d be a roast about who was clumsier which would end in you both laughing until everyone around you hated your souls.

“Definitely what I needed to hear.”

And just like that you both packed up your stuff and exited the warm building. With Jae things were exciting even when life felt mundane. You’d catch yourself smiling through your day just thinking about him, and the frequency of that happening just kept increasing.

The night was cold, but you refused to shiver. If you did Jae would probably tease you and say, “I ain’t giving you my hood, equal rights!”. You would then shove him and then he’d shove you. Gosh, he was so childish sometimes and yet you loved it. He knew how to act, he carried himself as this chill guy who never let life get to him, but you knew it did. Sometimes you would hear a groan, a sigh, and you knew life just wasn’t going how he wanted it to. Whenever you asked him questions he would think them over thoroughly, even if his initial response was a joke.

An idle thought crossed your mind. “Jae, what time does the boba shop close?”  You both glanced  as he pulled out his phone, his eyes widening as it read 10:45pm. 

“11pm.” 15minutes till closing and a 20 minute walk? You watched as he tucked his phone away, but you did not expect him to grab your wrist and run. This meant you were literally being dragged along with him, and by the time you arrived at the store (receiving weird glances from the owner), you two were laughing your asses off out of sheer adrenaline. It felt good to run in the cold night together and despite you being out of breath, you managed to squeeze in a few chicken running jokes on the way.

“You’re so short it’s like watching a baby pig run.” Jae teased, poking your cheek and heading to the counter to order.

“Sorry we aren’t all lanky giraffes, Jae.”

“Don’t hate the player hate the game Y/n!” Jae held his hands up in defence with the cutest grin. “What game! Life?” You shoved him gently with a smile, leaning around him to pay for your drink. His hand quickly pushed yours away, tapping his card to pay.

“Hey! We’re both broke what are you doing?” You had no idea what he was thinking. Last time you heard he was complaining about having only $3.20 in his account.

Jae simply smiled in an sickly sweet way, shrugging his shoulders and walking to a seat.

,

He was broke. But he felt rich in soul. Okay, that was extremely cheesy. It’s just the way you laughed while running beside him, it made him feel so alive.

 He cared about you now, no take backs!

You planted a tiny seed in his heart and he was watering it everyday, it grew so fast and he knew it would be hard to get out. You sat across from him gazing around at the decorations of the store mindlessly and he couldn’t stop thinking about how he didn’t want to lose the image of you.

Life had been plain, last week he couldn’t even remember. It all felt the same. Study, play, sleep, eat and repeat. Everyday he was one step closer to stepping out of college, and he really tried hard to enjoy the mundane times of his life. But after a whole year of playing catch up with college work and performing, he thoroughly enjoyed the idea of finally having someone to share it with.

“Jae, you should let me dye your hair.” You looked genuinely excited and slightly evil, hands reaching over to touch Jae’s hair. “It’s kind of dead. That definitely means pink next.” Jae feigned annoyance but he won’t admit he leaned into your touch a liiiiittle.

“What in the world is going through your head to think I would trust you with such a special job. My hair is my image!” He could feel the tips of his ears giving away his chill image.

“Do we need to talk Jae? You know you’re more than your hair. You have a great personality too. I can book you in tomorrow at 9pm.” Your teasing made him reach over and scruff up your hair sending you into giggles.

“We get it Y/N, you’re gonna be a crazy psychologist though.” He laughed, hoping he could be there to see the day you graduate. 

BRO.

Jae needed a good slap. He’d fallen too hard in such a short time, maybe he was just stressed.

(It definitely wasn’t that.)

[lovemesomesurveys]

How old was the first person you kissed? He was 15 and I was 16.

What would be your typical outfit for a party? I’d just wear my everyday attire. 

How do you listen to your music? (i.e ipod, stereo, computer, other music player, etc) Spotify app on my phone.

If your girlfriend/​​boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do? I’m single.

could you go the rest of your life without doing any drugs? I’ve only ever done weed, I’ve had no desire to do any other drug. 

last dream you had: Something really weird and random as per usual. 

do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I don’t think I’m important enough for others to think about. I sometimes suspect that when I’m not around, it’s like I don’t exist. <<< That’s exactly how I feel.

what is the first letter of the last name of the last person you kissed? V.

do you want to tell someone how you feel? No.

has anyone told you they don’t ever wanna lose you? Something along those lines. I guess they got over that.

is your best friend pissing you off at this exact moment? No.

will you be a strict parent one day? I’m not going to be a parent one day.

For people that don’t know you, what do they think your age usually is? Early 20s. Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed?  We haven’t seen or talked to each other in like 5 years. We both just went our own way.

Do you think someone is talking crap about you behind your back? I’m sure my former friends had some choice things to say about me when I completely ghosted a few years ago. I don’t blame them at all. 

What color was the last pill you took? White.

Has more than one person ever told you they loved you? Many family members, a few friends, my first boyfriend.

The first person you were in a relationship with, do you still care about them? We haven’t talked in over 10 years, but I have no hard feelings towards him at all. I truly hope he’s doing well.

What do you and your friends do when there’s nothing to do? Back when I had friends we’d do stuff like go get food and/or coffee and chill, go to the movies, or just have a movie night or something.

Sex ruins relationships, right? No?

What’s something you’re looking forward to? I can’t wait for it to finally start cooling down, but as of now California is still acting like it’s summer. D:

Last person to stand up for you? I haven’t needed to be stood up for in awhile, but my family always has my back and absolutely would stand up for me if needed.

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? Zero.

Who is the last person to call you? My mom.

Have you been to a baby shower? Yeah, a few.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name begins with J? Yeah, Joseph. Any of you who have been keeping up with my surveys for awhile may be familiar with that name.

Something good going to happen tomorrow? I can’t predict the future.

Do you believe exes can be friends? Yeah, it happens. Didn’t work for me in the long run with mine, but I know it can happen.

The last person you kissed hates you. Why? I have no idea why he would feel that strongly towards me. We haven’t interacted in any way in 5 years, for one. Second, he’s the one who hurt me. I don’t hate him, never have, and I’ve long since moved on entirely, but if anyone had an issue with the other I think it would be me.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater? My mom and brother. I miss going to the movies. The theaters have finally started to open up in my area, but I don’t feel safe going. I’m honestly scared because I don’t know when I’ll feel safe to go anywhere. I literally only go to my doctor appointment once a month and that’s because I have to in order to get my medication. It makes me super anxious just doing that, so I’ve had no interest in going anywhere else. Like how long will it be this way? I was a homebody pre-covid for the past few years, but I at least went on grocery shopping trips with my mom, went to the movies and other random shopping trips now and then, and beach trips during the summer in addition to my doctor appointments (which were 2 appointments a month before this). Now I’m totally cooped up inside apart from aforementioned doctor appointment once a month.

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11? I don’t do anything.

Do you like your cell phone? I was fine with it until it started messing up recently. 

Has anyone ever sang to you? No.

So, what if you married the last person you kissed? Nah.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Yes.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year? We’d really like to move soon, but I don’t think it’ll be within the next year. 

What are you listening to at the moment? An ASMR video of course.

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Nope. I don’t plan on ever getting married. And something super drastic would have to change in a short amount of time for that to happen, which I really don’t see happening, so. 

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Not in the romantic sense, no.

Where is the person you have feelings for? I don’t have feeling for anyone in the romantic sense right now either.

List the initials of every person you have kissed, from oldest to most recent kiss. (Put “?”s in the place of initials you don’t know.)  DL, GB, and JV. What’s your favorite high school memory?  I liked the rallies, assemblies, and spirit days.

Do you wish you had more money? I mean, that would be nice. It’d sure be a great help.

Do you want to have any children? if so, how many? Nope.

Team Jacob or Team Edward? I was team Edward during my Twilight fangirl days.

Do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? No. I don’t have an issue with someone because of their race or sexuality. If I have an issue with someone, it’s because of something about them as a person, personality wise, and/or something they did.

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex? Yes.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? Just by a couple years.

Are you a patient person? No. Do you think you are a good person?  Generally speaking yeah. I try hard not to do things that’ll hurt others. I’m a big believer in letting you do you, as long as it doesn’t hurt or discriminate against anyone else. <<< Well put.

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah, many times as a kid. I also licked the brownie batter off the spoon. And guess what? I never once got sick. That was like a very normal thing to do back then and I didn’t know anyone who got salmonella from it. I haven’t done either of those things ever since the salmonella news spread many years ago, but it does make me wonder.

Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’? Well, yeah.

Do you think you’ll be married in three years? Nopeeeeee. 

Would you stay with your bf/gf if they did drugs? I’d have an issue if it was anything other than weed. I wouldn’t just end things right then and there, but I would definitely say something about it and encourage them to stop. If they had no desire to stop and didn’t even try then I think I would end things.

Have you ever found someone you really really really liked? Yes.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single? It’s best for me to be single and I’m fine with that at this time.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? I’m 31 and still have no idea.

[minijenn]

Universe Falls Chapter 77, Part 1

Ah boy time to start arc 8′s mini arc that everyone keeps forgetting about in the shortest chapter UF has had in a LONG while. Also I wrote this in like, the span of 12 hours so... ya know. Enjoy! (also please don’t read this on here, dumblr won’t carry over how this is SUPPOSED to be formatted so please go read it on Ao3 or FF.net to get the experience of how this chapter is SUPPOSED to look) 

Previous: https://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/190860858504/universe-falls-chapter-76

***

Chapter 77: Adventures in the Multiverse

Part 1: The Nightmare Realm

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Within the quiet solitude of his private study in the second sublevel below the shack, Ford had always found that he’d been able to find comfort and solace solely in the simplicity of his own research. Even thirty years ago, the author would frequently retreat to this tranquil space, take a seat in his favorite chair at his favorite desk, and lose himself in his work on the journals, eagerly documenting his latest discoveries within the pages of his trio of journals. Away from the world and awash in his own thoughts, reflections, and recollections, a better place to be some nights than others, especially when it came to the nights when it had still been him sitting at that desk, only with someone else taking the reigns of his mind instead. 

Yet that was far from the case on this particular night as Ford described the latest happenings in the later pages of his lattermost journal. A rather uneventful entry given that the day had been sparse of any supernatural or alien encounters, yet the author still found documenting his thoughts and observations a worthy use of his time all the same. 

Once again I was faced with an all-too familiar question today, one that I’ve been hearing more and more frequently from the children as of late. First it came from Dipper, not surprising given his admirable drive to learn and discover everything and anything he can (not unlike myself when I was younger). Then it came from Steven, likely as a result of the Gems leaving him out of the loop (I’ve come to understand they tend to do that to him from time to time, poor lad). But oddly enough, today it came from Mabel, which admittedly caught me off guard. Perhaps curiosity has been getting the better of all three of them in their recent idle time. Even so, as usual, I had no suitable answer to that inquiry. Sometimes it seems as though I never really will either. 

The author paused his pen, letting out a long sigh as he glanced up from the journal to the flickering candlelight coming from the wick set before him. He’d never been particularly fond of dwelling on the past and yet he constantly found himself doing so all the same whether he wanted to or not. And yet this, like many things he’d been through back in the day, was one lengthy span of time he was far from keen on dwelling on. 

Which was exactly why he tried everything he could to avoid it. And yet that familiar question, whether it was from one of the kids, one of the Gems, or someone else entirely, still always seemed to follow him all the same: 

“Where were you for the past 30 years?”

It’s not that I’m afraid or even that hesitant to discuss any of it. The problem is, I never know how to begin or what to reveal. A lot can happen in the span of 30 years, and in my case, a great deal did happen. Moments of triumph, moments of despair, moments of fear, spread so far and so broad across so many scattered dimensions. Some days it feels as though it’s not over yet, even now that I’m back in the comfort of my own home. It’s hard to say if I’ll ever truly be able to make sense of it all, but… maybe it might be worth the effort to, at the very least, try. 

Try. Try to confront something that he’d been avoiding ever since he stepped through the portal back into his basement lab. Try to stitch together the pieces of a story that spanned worlds, galaxies, even dimensions themselves. Try to face a past he’d just as rather leave behind entirely. 

I suppose trying is the best I can do in this case. And perhaps writing about some of it here will help me get my thoughts in order. Perhaps it’s time I finally reveal… 

My Journey

I remember those first moments after I was cast into the portal like it was yesterday. 

"Stanley! Please! Tell Rose Quartz I’m sorry!” His last message to his brother, or more precisely, to the pink Gem, echoed all around him through the bright white void he’d found himself sucked into. A void that led to what could very well become his demise, a thought that he barely even had time to grapple with as he tumbled through the empty light. 

The sudden feeling of weightlessness, the helpless terror, knowing that I would soon face whatever mysterious horror had driven Fiddleford to madness. 

As I felt myself being sucked away from my home (a dimension I would come to learn is referred to in the multiverse as 514÷Y), I held my breath and accepted that this could be the end. 

As luck would have it, it was only the beginning. 

In a startling flash, the white void faded away, finally allowing Ford his first (albeit somewhat blurry) glimpse as to what lay beyond it. Initially, it almost looked like a vast expanse of endless stars, much like an earthly spacescape would appear. Yet in a striking instant, that all changed, the stars burning out as the dark skies turned blood crimson. From there, that red violently exploded into a sickening shade of green, mingled with clashing pinks and oranges. Over and over again, the expanse shifted colors, constantly changing on its own wild whims as it swirled with a chaotic, unstable sort of energy, one that Ford could feel from the moment he found himself caught within it. 

Swimming through the gravity-free area of lightning and swirling colors, I reached into my pocket for a spare pair of glasses (always handy, considering how often I break them) and found myself staring at, quite literally, a living nightmare. 

As a speeding torrent of blazing asteroids rushed past him, the author jolted with fear, still largely overwhelmed with shock to do much else. Disoriented as he was, some small part of his mind still tried clinging onto logic amidst the dangerous disorder he was now lost within. And as he took another look around his hectic new surroundings, he starkly realized where it all was.

“And what is on the other side of that portal, Ford?” Rose had asked him, her voice tight and intense with growing dread. 

“What did you really have us build down here, Stanford?” Pearl had demanded harshly, glaring at him with immense suspicion all the while. “A portal to another dimension, or something far more sinister?” 

“I know what I saw in there!” Fiddleford had cried in a wild-eyed panic as he pointed an accusing finger at the portal he’d just barely been recovered from. “It was a nightmare, plain n’ simple!”

“Let’s just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is really gonna learn how to PARTY! Right guys?” Bill had cheerfully encouraged his “friends”, a group of ghouls and monsters all eagerly awaiting the portal’s completion just as much as the dream demon himself was. Something that their sinister whispers had been reminding him of on a near-constant, maddening loop for the past several weeks now: 

“The door is open…”

Ford gasped, much louder than he had meant to as the sound echoed through the immense empty space around him. His heart was hammering his chest, his panic rising as he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt exactly where he now was. 

I found myself sucked through the door to the place Bill had designated the portal to access, a place called many different things: the dimension between dimensions, the in-between space, the gateway to other worlds… 

The Nightmare Realm. The very place Bill Cipher himself calls home. 

Bill’s universe is not exactly a dimension, but rather a boiling, shifting, intergalactic foam between dimensions--a lawless, unstable crawl space between worlds that only the strangest and most unknowable beings call home. And as the portal closed behind me, I found myself trapped there, possibly for eternity. 

The entirety of the Nightmare Realm rippled with yet another wave of electric, chaotic energy, one that rattled Ford to the core with terror just as much as all of the others had before it. And yet, this one was the most terrifying by far as he spun around in the weightless space-scape, only to find a sight that made his heart sink all the way to his stomach. For the very same white void he’d emerged here from, the portal itself, his sole gateway back home to everything he’d ever known, simply exploded. In a burst of blinding, bitter light, it was wiped away like a star in a supernova, leaving nothing, no gateway out, no way to escape, left in its wake. 

He was trapped here, armed with only the clothes on his back and nothing else to ensure his survival. The chances of which, he knew, were likely ridiculously low, if they were even existent at all. He was lost, with no hope and no help. For certainly, no one would be able to come to his rescue in a place like this; not Stan, not Fiddleford, not any of the Gems, not even Rose herself. And that was perhaps the very worst part of it all: he was alone. 

Though the truth of it was, he wasn’t as alone as he thought. Though considering the company that was about to find him, he’d very soon wish he was. 

The constant dull, inconsistent clamor that filled the Nightmare Realm was suddenly broken, shattered like glass with a piercing, shrill laugh that Ford was far too familiar with by this point. Once again, the realm shifted, landing the author in another setting entirely, one streaked in sharp shadows and the bright, bizarre sets of eyes that belonged to those shadows. Yet Ford hardly paid them any mind as he instead seized up with fear while that laugh, that wild, insane, undeniable laugh rang loud and clear in his ears, just as it had in the fitful nightmares he’d been having as of late. 

He knew exactly what he’d find if he turned around, exactly who he’d have to face. And worse yet, this time, he wouldn’t merely be facing him in dreams; he’d be facing him on his own home turf. Quite frankly, he was surprised that the dream demon hadn’t already killed him the moment he found him in his realm. But Bill was never one to get to the point, which was why Ford figured he’d do so instead. 

Before I had a moment to properly panic over my fate, I realized that I was hovering before Bill himself, who was perched on a bizarre throne made of optical illusions, flanked by an army of strange and shadowy beasts. 

On his throne, Bill sat surprisingly calmly, as if he was hardly even surprised to see Ford, of all people in the dimension he called home. If anything, the dream demon seemed delighted, leaning forward slightly as he finally greeted the terrified author as brightly as he always did. “Look who finally decided to pay me a visit!” he quipped, his voice echoing through the infinity all around them. “Not that I wasn’t expecting you to show up, Sixer. After your poor buddy Glasses got a glimpse of the place a few weeks ago, I knew you wouldn’t be too far behind!”

This callous mention of his former friend was finally enough to shake Ford out of his initial fear, setting him off with a fuel of righteous fury toward the demon who had been tormenting him for so long now. “B-Bill…” he began, forcing himself to be steady in the face of his hated foe. “I-if you think you’ve won, then you’re sorely mistaken. I don’t know if you just saw what I did, but the portal closed. It’s over, Cipher. You lose!”

Despite this bold claim, Bill simply let out another haughty laugh, hovering off his throne a bit to gain even more height as he towered high above the author. “Aw, c’mon, Fordsy, don’t tell me you’re THAT deluded! You really think that portal of yours shutting itself down is gonna stop me? Some dumb sap is bound to come along and get it running again eventually. And till then, I’ve got all the time in the world to wait. Unlike you, Sixer. Get it? ‘Cause your time is about to run out? It’s FUNNY!”

“You’re wrong!” Ford shot back fiercely. “That portal will never reopen again, Rose will make sure of it! I know she will!”

“Oh yeah, cause ol’ Quartzy is soooo reliable,” Bill rolled his eye. “That’s why she left you hanging out to dry when your first test run went south, huh? Or why she’s NOT here to save you, her human of the week or the decade or whatever, from me! Right? RIGHT?”

“I-I don’t want her to come here to save me!” the author argued, his hands clenched in tight fists at his sides. “I don’t want anyone ever opening that portal; it should have been destroyed, just like Rose said.” Ford paused at this, letting out a sad, remorseful sigh as he rubbed the back of his neck. “And if I’d just listened to her in the first place, then I wouldn’t have ended up here…”

“Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve, but you DIDN’T!” the dream demon mocked almost mirthfully, clearly taking pleasure in this entire situation as a whole. “But tell me, Sixer; wouldn’t you want somebody to get that portal up and running again? It’d give you a chance to get out of here, prolong your ultimately destined-to-end-anyway life a bit instead of having it cut short just by being here! After all, humans don’t tend to last long in the Nightmare Realm. We play a bit… rough around here, don’t we, boys?”

Bill’s horde of accompanying, unknown demons all let out a round of hearty, sadistic chuckles at this, laughter that sent a chill down Ford’s spine yet he refused to back down regardless. “I don’t care about going back to my own dimension,” he said firmly, and he meant it. After all, it wasn’t like there was very much left there for him anyway now. “Just as long as you’re kept out of it too, that’s all that matters to me.”

“Aw, so Brainiac wants to play the big, tough hero now, huh?” Bill scoffed flippantly. “Hate to break it to ya, Sixer, but I’m bound to get what I want either way. But it’s a shame you won’t be around to watch me tear the fabric of your dimension to shreds and grind those Crystal Chumps you care so much about to spacedust. ‘Cause ya see, Stanford, I’m not the one who’s about to lose here. YOU ARE!”

The dream demon’s golden form turned a harsh, deadly red at this, his eye pitch black as its white pupil glared down at the frightened author relentlessly. And as his usual bright blue flames erupted all around him, his eagerly watching cronies and cohorts all began to gather in closer, ready to attack. 

“CARE FOR A GAME OF INTERGALACTIC CHESS?!” Bill shrieked, his booming voice rattling the entire Nightmare Realm as it took on the same sort of aggressive crimson as its king. “THIS TIME, YOU’RE THE PAWN!” 

He snapped his fingers and one of his beasts, a 60-foot-fall ball of fingers and teeth, let out a howl like a humpback whale and charged a me, fingers and teeth wiggling and gnashing! Though I hadn’t had much time to think or plan since my arrival in the Nightmare Realm, I knew right off the bat that escaping was my only chance at survival. 

Acting on adrenaline and instinct, Ford forced himself to spin around amidst the gravity-free expanse, frantically swimming forward in midair as the monster lunged toward him hungrily. It nearly caught him too, though the author barely managed to outmaneuver it, dodging its path in just the nick of time. Still, he was close enough to it as it passed him by to give him a window of opportunity, exactly the one he needed to get away. 

For right as the creature began turning itself back around, Ford pushed himself to “jump” onto one of its many massive hands, using it as something of a springboard to propel himself away from the monster entirely. With this newfound momentum, the author sailed through the ever-changing realm quite a distance, putting some much-needed distance between himself and the monster as it attempted to right itself and go after him. 

And in time, it did so, tailing him as he continued pushing himself through space with as much force and speed as he possibly could. However, the monster was every bit as persistent as he was, intent on acting on Bill’s orders and catching its prey as it continued the chase without any signs of ceasing. Fortunately for Ford, however, as he turned his sights forward once again, he found just the cover he needed to end it. Or at the very least, give him a much-needed chance to breathe amidst all of the endless insanity he was up against. 

I managed to hide behind an asteroid field in the nick of time as the monstrosity passed me by, and I swam through the air in a panic as multiple beasts tore through the space rocks, searching for me.

As the author took refuge in a dense collection of asteroids, he could hear a series of approaching roars and rumbles, no doubt from all of Bill’s other beasts as they all assembled to go after him as well. Unsure of what else to do, Ford pressed tight against one of the larger rocks, hoping that he wouldn't be seen. Without any sort of weapon to speak of, there would be no fighting back against creatures as dangerous and unpredictable as these, which meant that escaping from them as all he could really do. Or, at the very least, hiding in the hopes that he could come up with some sort of plan to put an end to this madness before it was too late. And fortunately, it seemed as though some small shamble of luck was still somehow on his side in his otherwise luckless plight. For as he dashed toward another asteroid to hide behind, he happened to spot an even better escape instead. 

Fleeing for my life, I miraculously managed to take shelter in the crater of a large passing asteroid as the monsters swarmed by. Hidden deep within the recesses of the stony caverns, I could hear Bill’s shrill voice: 

“SIXER WANTS TO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK! FIRST ONE TO FIND HIM AND BRING HiM TO ME GETS THEIR OWN GALAXY!”

It was followed by the manic laughter of creatures large and small racing off to locate me. I was so crazed from fatigue and rage that my first impulse was to give myself up to Bill so I could curse him right to his face. And at the time, I figured I might as well do exactly that since the chances of me realistically making it out of the hellish dimension I was now trapped in here were essentially none. 

With Bill’s horde of monsters and demons successfully evaded for the time being, Ford had finally found a moment to rest, not that he actually found any such solace in it though. Instead, the author slumped down against the cavern wall, staring off into the immense darkness ahead so he wouldn’t have to look back into the endlessly shifting scape of the Nightmare Realm in its place. 

Had it really just been mere moments ago that he had been standing back in his own basement lab, face to face with his twin brother? Had it really been a mere moment, just one unfortunate second that had turned his life upside down, or rather, had ruined it completely? The author knew he had a long list of people he could pin the blame on for his disastrous plight: Stan, Bill, himself. And yet that blame would hardly do him much good here. Because as long as he remained entrenched in the horrors of the Nightmare Realm, then he was essentially just waiting to die. 

The moment he realized this fact was the same moment he realized he was shaking, his hands trembling with cold fear that had filled him from the second he arrived in this awful place. When he had been a young, innocent boy, he’d always dreamed of going on some grand, high-stakes adventure, a dream that both him and Stan had shared. But now that he was actually living that dream, or nightmare rather, it was far from anything he’d once hoped it would be. 

Amidst that chilling terror, he could also feel warmth, building up behind his eyes as they started to turn wet. A small sob choked its way out of his throat as he hugged his knees close to his chest. Briefly, he was finally able to take stock of his tattered lab coat, his fresh pair of glasses already slightly cracked from the fray he’d narrowly managed to escape. Yet none of that even remotely mattered to him now. What did matter were all of the things he was all-too-quickly realizing he’d never get to do. 

He’d never see his home again, be within the familiarity of the house that sat in the shadow of a temple he’d come to see as a beacon of hope and security. He’d never see the constant stars resting over the peaceful waters of the lake or hear the morning birds greet another crisp Oregonian morning. He’d never write within the pages of his treasured journals, or explore all that the strange, yet beautiful town of Gravity Falls, a place he’d come to lose so much in such a short amount of time.

He’d never get to make amends with Fiddleford for the harrowing experience he’d put him through. He’d never get to apologize to Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl for dragging them into his disaster. He’d never be able to tell Rose just how much he valued her friendship, how much he wished he could win her trust back and how much he had trusted her, how he still trusted her, even despite everything, in turn. And even though some part of him was furious, outraged that Stan’s foolishness had gotten him into this mess in the first place, another part of him still mourned that he’d never get to see his brother again either. 

He would never be able to go home again. And given the mounting list of disastrous mistakes he’d made, it was probably the only fate he knew he really deserved.

Ford had all but lost himself to grief over that fact when suddenly, a small, yet still prominent noise coming from deeper within the cave he’d taken shelter in. Slowly and carefully, the author rose to stand, peering deeper into the darkness where the faint whispers were coming from. He was hesitant to follow them, initially believing them to be coming from more of Bill’s henchmen, lurking in the shadows, just waiting to attack. And yet, these soft, almost scared whispers were a far cry from the raving, manic screams and shrieks of the monsters outside. Which was exactly why Ford allowed curiosity to get the better of him as he stepped into the darkness, not knowing what he’d find. 

What he did manage to find, however, was perhaps the last thing he could have ever expected. 

Pressing further ahead into the cavern, I discovered that I was sharing my hiding spot with a shivering family of intergalactic refugees. 

Sure enough, a group of four alien creatures of varying species and sizes sat, each of them bandaged and war-torn in different ways as they desperately tried to keep themselves warm around their small, strangely glittering purple fire. Ford stopped short just shy of approaching them, stunned by their presence as they were by his when they caught sight of him. And yet, instead of pulling out any sort of weapons to attack, the group offered the author a series of sympathetic, consoling looks as their leader, squat, snaggletoothed, guinea pig-like creature with an eyepatch and a mechanical arm, calmly beckoned him forward. 

“You lost your way out there too?” he asked with something of a folksy draw to his tone. “Can’t blame ya, you wouldn’t be the first. C'mere and join the rest of us lost souls. Warmin’ up ‘round the fire is leagues better than tryin’ your chances out there, that’s for sure.”

Ford said nothing at first, eyeing the group warily until he realized their leader was right. At the very least, these creatures didn’t see intent on eating him alive like Bill’s were. 

“T-thank you,” the author said, holding his hands out toward the violet flames in the hopes that the warmth would finally cease their endless shaking. “If you don’t mind me asking… what exactly are all of you and… what are you doing in… well, to put it lightly, here?”

“Heh,” one of the other members of the group, a small, somewhat pig-like creature chuckled bitterly. “Ain’t that the story of the multiverse?”

“A tale of great sadness and woe indeed,” the most reptilian creature of the group, complete with a long neck and a bandaged stub of an arm shook his head morosely. 

“One that’s probably not bound to get a happy ending at this point,” the final member of the group, a horned, fanged creature sighed tiredly. 

“But before we get into that depress fest,” the leader grumbled, shaking his head at his despairing friends. “Allow us to introduce ourselves first. The name’s Yottos. Put ‘er there.” Ford shook the robotic hand Yottos offered to him before he began to go through the rest of the refugees. “That’s Hocoh,” he nodded to the pig-like creature on the other side of the fire. “He’s Qharquains.” The reptilian creature waved his stub of a bandaged arm in greeting. “And he’s-”

“I’m George,” the horned creature finished bluntly, catching the author quite off guard. 

“Huh… that’s a… surprisingly normal name,” Ford pointed out with a frown. 

“You kiddin’? It’s the strangest name in the whole dang multiverse!” Hocoh laughed, slapping his knee. Likewise, Yottos and Qharquains also joined in on the bout of laughter, flustering George in the process. 

“So you guys keep saying!” he grumbled petulantly. “Y-you’re just mad ‘cause your names aren’t as cool as mine! You!” he looked to Ford somewhat suspiciously. “What’s your name, newbie?”

“Oh, I-I’m Stanford,” the author introduced himself. “Stanford Pines.”

The refugees fell silent at this as they all looked to the author incredulously. “Hm. And I thought George was an odd name...” Qharquains remarked, eliciting another frustrated growl from George as the other two refugees laughed once more. 

“Guys! Stop it!” 

“Now then, Stanford Pines,” Yottos began, his tone turning serious as he looked to the author once more. “Ya asked for our story and here it is. We were just a bunch of humble asteroid miners, hard at work for an honest day’s livin on the stardust fields just off of Oloxion 9.”

“We were just ‘bout to head home for the day when BAM! FLASH!” Hocoh exclaimed dramatically. “A GIANT wormhole shows up, clean outta nowhere, and sucks our ship inside with all us on it!”

“When we all came to, we found ourselves drifting here, within the forbidden gateway between worlds,” Qharquains explained evenly. “With our ship irreparably damaged, we were lost, in the very place where all things in the multiverse that go missing tend to end up in.”

“We barely managed to escape from all of those… horrible monsters…” George shuddered fearfully. “And we’ve been hiding out here ever since, both from them… and… f-from him…”

“...You mean… Bill?” Ford ventured, only to receive a sharp and sudden reaction from the refugees. A round of horrified shrieks rose up from the group, panic filling their expressions as they covered their ears to try to avoid hearing the dream demon’s name in any way possible. Somewhat confused, the author looked between the frightened members of the group, both understanding their alarm and trying to make sense of it all at the same time. “Is… something wrong?”

“Do not speak the demon’s name!” Qharquains warned fearfully. “He has ears everywhere here…”

“He’ll hear you, t-then show up here, a-and DESTROY US ALL!” George cried, shaking as he pulled his hood over his eyes. 

“If you’re here, then you gotta know,” Hocoh said sternly, seriously. “That demon, nah, that monster is nothin’ but trouble!”

“Tch, don’t I know it,” Ford scoffed bitterly, crossing his arms. “Believe it or not, I used to consider Bill--er, t-that… demon,” the author corrected himself as the refugees shrunk back in terror once more. “To be my muse. I let him influence me, trick me, into building an interdimensional portal and it’s because of that portal that I ended up here in the first place… And all because I stubbornly refused to listen to my closest friend when she told me he was not to be trusted…”

“Your friend sounds like she’s got a good head on her shoulders,” Yottos nodded in agreement. “Cause she’s right. Ya can’t trust a monster like him. In fact, you’d be pretty stupid to even listen to a single word he has to say!”

“I can’t believe you didn’t know,” George shook his head incredulously. “That demon’s one of the most feared beings in the whole multiverse! Everybody, and I mean everybody knows he’s always been bad news and will always be bad news!”

“Legend has it that he took over this realm eons ago,” Qharquains said gravely. “He used it as a hideout for himself and his equally chaotic allies, a place just as lawless and insane as they are. However, the Nightmare Realm is doomed for destruction. It has no consistent physics that it can adhere to, nothing to keep it stable. Which is why, in time, it will eventually implode, taking everything and everyone that calls it home with it.”

“So… that must be why Bill was so intent on that portal being built…” Ford muttered to himself, finally understanding the scope of the dream demon’s plan. 

The Nightmare Realm… a dimension between dimensions that was never meant to exist in the first place. A plane of chaos and disaster so immense that even the multiverse itself wants it gone. That’s why Bill seeks a new, more stable dimension to take over, much like he had his current ruinous home, and a foolish mind willing to let him in. A mind like mine. 

“I’m going to stop him!” Ford exclaimed, largely without thinking. The refugees all turned to him, dumbfounded and stunned, especially as he explained himself further. “If Bill--if that demon really does pose such a large threat to both my home and the the multiverse as a whole as you say, then someone needs to put an end to his destructive plans. And that someone is going to be me.”

“B-but that’s crazy!” George balked in utter disbelief.

“What makes you think you’ll stand a chance against someone as powerful as that demon?” Hocoh asked, not buying the author’s verve. “Nobody who’s ever tried standin’ up to him has ever lived to tell the tale.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Ford shook his head, resolved. “He has to be stopped, some way or another. Before he really can escape the Nightmare Realm. Too many lives have been ruined because of his antics, including my own. That’s why it’s time to put an end to him, to prevent him from ruining any more.”

“Tch, you’re not all there, are ya, Stanford Pines?” Yottos asked, finally cracking a wry smile. “Still, ya got guts, and we can’t help but respect that, can we, boys?” The other refugees all nodded in agreement at this, though it was clear they were still rather baffled by Ford’s unflinching determination all the same. “If you’re really dead set on facin’ that demon, then let us help ya out.” Yottos dug into his bag of supplies, pulling out a few sets of rations, mostly made up of odd, compressed mush that the author was completely unfamiliar with. Though at this point, he knew he couldn’t really afford to be picky when it came to what he ate out here. “Take these, and also this.” The leader presented him with some sort of electronic, bracelet-like device, one that the author couldn’t help but look over curiously as soon as he received it. 

“What is it?” he asked, fascinated. 

“Dimensional translator,” Yottos said, poking at the fire a bit. “No offense, but ya seem a bit new to the whole ‘dimensional travel’ game, so that’ll give ya a bit of an easier time when it comes to folks out there that aren’t as ‘well-spoken’ as we are. Now, it’s a bit of an older model, but it should still work just fine.”

“Right,” Ford nodded with a grateful smile as he slipped the translator on his wrist and the rations into the empty supply bag Qharquains also gave him. “Thank you all for your help. I really do hope all of you find your way back to your own home someday.”

“Eh, at this point we’re honestly just satisfied with surviving from day to day,” George shrugged. “And not getting eaten by the occasional gloop monster or eyeball beast.”

“...Um… well then,” the author cleared his throat as he segwayed into a different topic instead. “You… wouldn’t happen to know what the odds are of a portal or a wormhole opening up that would lead back to Earth, would you?”

“What’s a ‘Earth’?” Hocoh asked, completely confused. 

“I’ve never heard of that dimension before,” Qharquains said, shaking his head. “But if that is the place you call home, then I’m afraid to say that the possibility of you returning there from here, by all accounts, is quite slim.”

“That’s… exactly what I was afraid of…” Ford sighed, still just as aware as he was before of his fate. A fate that seemed quite uncertain, even now. And yet despite that uncertainty, he still clung onto a sliver of hope all the same. Not the hope that he’d ever return home; he knew that ship had sailed and sunk. But rather, the hope that he’d finally be able to stop Bill and save the world, even if it was a word he’d never be able to see again. 

So a plan began to form in my mind. I would travel from dimension to dimension, learning what I could about Bill--his weaknesses, his secrets. I’d gain my strength, bide my time, and once I was ready, I would return to the Nightmare Realm and destroy him once and for all. I might never see home again, but at least I could save the multiverse from his wrath, and wreak vengeance for the life he stole from me. 

And that was exactly what he was going to set out to do. He’d risk anything and everything just to see Bill Cipher finally meet his end. Even if his own end came right along with it. 

The refugees excitedly hailed me as a hero as I prepared to leave, bidding me the best of luck in my quest as I waved them goodbye, setting off from their asteroid to swim toward the nearest wormhole. I was ready, ready to do whatever it took to not just survive, but thrive, as I cast my fate to the wind to discover what new worlds awaited me. 

Yet as I left the Nightmare Realm and all its terrors behind, I still caught wind of one final cheer the refugees offered me. One that I still don’t know the meaning behind, even to this very day:

“Praise the Axolotl!” 

Next: 

[silverquillsideas]

Hi:) May I ask what your personal interpretation of the Bf ending is? Did Ash chose to die or not? If he did, what do you think was the reason for his decision? And did he believe Eiji's letter? Sorry if this has been asked before and I bother you with these questions...

Hello Anons! It’s not a bother at all! Thanks for asking! I’ll club these two together since there’s going to be a lot of overlapping parts.

I feel like the more I try to delve deeper into why and how the ending was written the way it was, the more number of interpretations open up. I’ve talked about my views on the ending in the above posts, and as for whether he believed Eiji’s letter, my answer is yes, definitely. I’ll elaborate why below.

First off, when I read the manga and later, GoL, it always occurred to me that Ash’s death wasn’t immediate, that he had time to drag himself back to the library and collapse slowly from blood loss, and the same is repeated by Sing in his musings in GoL “in the long long hours before death, as blood slowly drained out of your body”….so, I believe that the stab wasn’t lethal, and that Ash’s death was, ultimately, by his choice.

Now coming to why he chose what he did. These interpretations are entirely my own, and they are called ‘interpretations’ for a reason, there will be other equally valid points held by the fandom, and that’s completely okay. This is just how I see it. I re-read the manga recently, and this time, I tried to look closer at all the subtle hints at how the ending was kind of… foreshadowed in a way?

I’ll begin with the way Ash was constructed as a character : he was multifaceted, complex, a genius with superhuman reflexes and intellect, he rejected all kinds of authority and the law, since he never had reason to trust them all his life. Ash conditioned himself to be ruthless and put on a hard front at all times, since that was the only way he could have survived in the world he was thrown into from the tender age of seven or eight. He used his physical beauty as a weapon, a shield to disarm opponents, so that they never got any hint of his lethal side until it was too late; it was simply another tool in his fight for survival. Eiji is probably one of the first and only ones to get a measure of what Ash really is like, by the time we get to the arc of Shorter’s death. He comments on this :

Curiously enough, we, as readers get to know this along with Eiji, that Ash has this duality to him : on one hand, he is the cold and ruthless killer and gang-boss, the wild, untamable Ash Lynx. on the other hand, only with Eiji, he can be the carefree 17 year old Aslan, the little boy Griff loved, who’s scared of pumpkins and gets flustered when teased, and loves to bicker with Eiji over silly things.

Its this humane side of Ash we all latch onto. The facade of a killer that Ash has to put on for the rest of the world, falls apart when he’s with Eiji, and we can see that : we realise that it’s a shield he has to hold up for his survival so that the truly compassionate, softer side of him can survive. Eiji sees through it, we see through it. But does Ash? His self image is exceedingly negative.

This becomes a recurring point of arguments between Eiji and Ash throughout the manga. A constant pull and push of opinions on who Ash truly is, who he can be. Eiji tries so hard to pull out the humane side of Ash, the one who is Aslan, back to the surface, so that Ash Lynx may not forget who he really once was. Eiji lets Ash be vulnerable, he makes him laugh, allows him to be silly, he tells him that it’s okay to be scared, to be hurt, because Ash is deeply hurt, only he has trained himself to never acknowledge that even to himself.

Does Ash consider himself entirely worthless? I beg to differ. He relies on his intelligence, his skills and capabilities, and he had confidence in them. He has his gang members to protect and lead, even before Eiji shows up. He has his pride as a boss, and his constant refusal to be controlled by Dino or other characters who hold authority (and consequently, abuse their powers to further their own greed). 

But was that enough to hold out till the end? More than the battles with Dino or Mannerheim or Foxx, I think Ash had to fight bigger battles with himself, about his own perception of what it means to be accepting of who you are as a person, and what you choose to believe in within yourself. Throughout the manga, we see this constant warring : we have literally everyone telling him that keeping Eiji by his side, is him being selfish, that Eiji isn’t there to salvage Ash’s guilt, that letting him go would be better for both of them. And Ash is conflicted, he wants to have this connection, this friendship with Eiji above all else, it becomes his single motivator in the entire second half of the manga : to protect and keep Eiji safe

By the time Yut Lung manipulates Ash into giving up Banana Fish and go into Dino’s captivity for Eiji’s safety, Ash is already too far gone on his bond with Eiji. he pulls the trigger without a moment’s hesitation. If it meant keeping a loved one safe at the cost of his own death, Ash was ready to make that choice, perhaps for a very long time.

Ash was someone whose actions always did the talking. The fact that he had allowed himself to care, to demand or crave for himself the comfort of a selfless friendship, or even love, is more of an indicator of him slowly growing to value himself as a person, to try and love himself a little more. He acknowledges this openly to Blanca : that there is nothing that made him happier than being with Eiji, of knowing that at least one person in the world had tried to see himself for who he really was, had tried to make Ash see that too.

The conversation between Ash and Eiji about the leopard in the mountaintop, about Ash’s views on death and what it means to live, is one of my favourite moments in the manga. Ash had never feared death, but he had never wanted to die himself. Even though, at numerous points in his life, death had seemed like a peaceful, enticing alternative, compared to the hell he was going through. Ash states that he views himself as the leopard, trudging on and on upwards to the summit, until it collapsed. His conflict was on whether the leopard was facing downwards or up? Was he trying to came back home, or simply go on until he could no longer carry on?

The journey of the leopard paralleled Ash’s own. All his life, he had been forced to go on a steep, uphill climb, against whatever harsh trials his life threw at him. In the end, would he be too tired to carry on? Too tired that he would want to give up? Or Would he still have the strength to try and find his way back down?

Eiji pulls him back once more : he reminds Ash of his own humanity, that people were not obligated to remain as the leopard in the story forever. In the end, we are all human beings who can have a choice, to find our way back home. And Ash, after a thoughtful pause, agrees with him.

But agreeing with an idea on principle is a far cry from putting that into practice.

As the arcs progress, Eiji gets shot, and Blanca again harshly reminds him of what his reality was, that Ash and Eiji’s worlds were, as he saw, too far apart for them to exist together. And Ash is torn by guilt. His one objective, of keeping Eiji safe, had somehow started backfiring. He pleads with God, to take him instead, in exchange for Eiji’s safety. And that was when I personally got the foreshadowing, that maybe the ending could only be either one way or the other.

It’s interesting that Eiji voices almost identical words, that he’d take Ash’s place any day if he could, that he wished Ash would never have to hold a gun anymore, before he takes a bullet for Ash without a minute’s hesitation

There was always a residual sense of guilt with both Ash and Eiji about Shorter’s death. Eiji breaks down crying in front of Sing, and he wasn’t even an instigator in all the events that happened. I can’t imagine how much more Ash would’ve been carrying around with the knowledge that he was the one to pull the trigger, under extreme duress or otherwise.

That brings me to the involvement of Lao. Shorter’s death had triggered a mistrust between the Chinese gang and Ash. Even though Sing, because of knowing the truth, had ceased blaming Ash altogether, Lao didn’t go anywhere near. His only goal was to protect his brother, and his hatred for Ash magnified when Ash pointed a trigger on Sing in the mad rampage immediately after Eiji was shot. Sing understood Ash’s rage, and he apologized and desperately attempted to make up for what he saw as a ‘betrayal’ from the Chinese side. But Lao, stubbornly refused to acknowledge Ash, even though Sing tried multiple times to reason with him. Had Yut Lung’s childish grudge against Eiji not prompted him to abuse Lao’s familial ties with Sing, had Lao been more reasonable, had Sing communicated with him better after the end of all the fighting…. The list of ‘what ifs’ go on.

In the end, Ash’s decision was prompted by all these moments adding up together. He had vowed just the day before to Blanca, that this time, he’d never see Eiji again, in order to keep him from harm’s way. Did that mean that ultimately he never learnt to love himself? That’s difficult to answer.

I believe that to some extent, he did realise how much he was valued as a person : by his friends, his gang, Max, Blanca, Cain, Shorter, and most of all Eiji. He never admitted out loud how much Eiji meant to him and vice versa, but it was always proven by their actions and confirmed by the words of those who were close to them. 

Ash knew how much it hurt him to see Eiji wounded because of him, and I get the inkling that he could at least guess that Eiji would be equally devastated if their places were reversed. But he ultimately chose to eliminate himself from the equation : the solution, according to him, that would keep all the danger away from everyone he wanted to keep safe. That is the dark side of love, of how far you’re willing to go to protect those you hold dear.

Just as Eiji took the bullet for him, just as Ash himself had no hesitation in pulling the trigger back then, I see this last choice also as a final act of sorts, keeping good on his prayer to God : Eiji’s safety in exchange for his own. It wasn’t a perfect decision by any means, there were n number of ways a different choice could’ve been as good, but I feel than in his final moments, Ash was really too weary to keep on pushing forward.

It brings me to your question, anon, in the end, was love enough to save him from himself? Did Eiji’s constant attempts to bring out Aslan, win out against the shackles Ash Lynx put on himself?

In those few moments immediately after reading Eiji’s letter, we see the way Ash reacts : his eyes fill with hope, disbelief, love, and a hundred other emotions as all thoughts other than Eiji’s words flee his mind. Eiji’s reference to the leopard was especially important : he gave Ash a reminder, once more, that even lost souls have a way of coming back home, and that one’s humaneness was something we discover throughout our whole lives, it’s not just expressed by a handful of actions. Eiji reminded Ash once more, that it was okay to hope, to dream, and to live for himself. And that was what prompted Ash to take off running. In those few moments, it really looked as if Ash had finally broken free of all that was holding him back.

But at the end of it all, I feel that Ash Lynx won out. The question of saving us from ourselves, of realising our self worth, is a complex one. Ash was happy in the simple knowledge that Eiji had loved him back unconditionally. All his life, it was the one thing he had never received, and in his final moments, that mere confirmation was like a closure of sorts for him. It wasn’t fair to either of them, but it was how things finally ended.

In an ideal world, we’d have no doubt seen Ash and Eiji having their happy forever after, given everything that happened, but sadly, the author chose to write in Lao, as if to prove a point : that more often than not, dreams and reality are separated by just one moment of carelessness, one second of letting your guard down, and for Ash, that moment was fatal.

[clairekatswritingcorner]

Follow My Lead

Word Count: 1,543

Summary: While trying to learn how to dance with Joe, Alexys gets flustered by the fact that she can’t help being so clumsy on her feet.

*Author’s Note*: A commission for @bad-blue-moon-rising, and with another wonderful F/O! If you’ve never seen A/I: Artificial Intelligence, I suggest you check it out, because it’s a really good (if not sad movie) and one I’ve actually seen myself! I was so excited to hear Alexys had gotten into it, and I hope I was able to do her suave robo bf justice. I also hope you enjoy!

“Alright, now just follow my lead.”

Alexys knew she’d follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked, but this particular task was rather daunting for her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do it with him…she’d never been more excited to try something in her life. Getting to spend time with him in any capacity was a gift, a special occasion, and lately she’d been having those pretty much every day. Ever since Joe and David had come to her seeking refuge, claiming sanctuary within the walls of her small yet serviceable apartment, they’d become a constant presence in her life. Joe wasn’t sure what had initially encouraged him to find her; the fact that it was the first idea that’d popped into his head still perplexed him. It was as if he’d always known she was trustworthy, someone safe, someone he could rely on…he hoped he hadn’t put too much strain on her by viewing her in such a light.

“I’m really not very good at this,” the young girl warned, clumsily fumbling with her hands and feet. Joe could feel her shaking where he held her, and his cheerful expression started to waver. “You don’t have to go out of your way to teach me something like this—”

“I’m not going out of my way,” the suave robot reassured, trying to keep his voice light and encouraging. “It’s just something I wanted to do. Something I thought would be fun to try. You’ve been cooped up in here so much lately because of us…the least I can do is try to think of something fun to do to pass the time.”

She’d walked in on him dancing on his own, swaying to some music that’d suddenly come on TV. Alexys had found it both bizarre and impressive that he could move so gracefully, that anyone had even bothered to program him with such a feature. Beyond the realm of physical fulfillment, she’d always assumed Joe was never meant to do much else, and he’d confirmed her curious musings on more than one occasion. Everything he’d ever learned or experienced all hinged on that one purpose. Despite that, he undeniably cared for others in a way that transcended the shallow procedures of his programming. He went out of his way to console and protect she and David like any other human would…like any other person would.

Alexys still found it hard to grasp this little fact even after being reminded so many times; she struggled to truly accept and understand that beneath the pretty face and alluring voice, the person she was talking to was no more than a machine. But when she looked at him, spoke to him, spent time with him…all she ever saw was Joe. The Joe she knew, that she’d become acquainted with both before and after the proverbial bump in the road that’d upended his entire world. She saw David the same way, of course, and was determined to protect them both at all costs. They were her living, breathing friends, people that were dearer to her than anything else. She couldn’t have cared less about what they were made of.

She supposed it was probably unwise and perhaps even a bit unfortunate that she’d fallen in love with him. She’d convinced herself long ago that there was no way he could return her affections, no way he could consider them from the same perspective that she did. When he’d confessed his love to her, it’d made her feel like she was drowning, but in a good way somehow. He’d asked her so innocently to help him put a name to something he was struggling with, a conundrum he couldn’t seem to get to the bottom of on his own. It’d been building and evolving and churning up inside of him for weeks, and he’d sworn it all started on the day he’d met her. His explanation turned into an unintentional admission of his fondness for her, repressed feelings he had no reason to know anything about, and before she knew it Alexys found herself falling for him harder than ever. If she’d thought she had a crush on him before…there was no turning back in her love now.

“Is it really that fun to have your feet trampled on over and over?” Alexys asked as she kept attempting to obediently follow his instructions. Doing her best to keep her balance, she couldn’t seem to stay upright and avoid stomping on his feet at the same time. He corrected each mistake she made, every misstep with the most patient and understanding guidance. He was far from being a teaching robot, but his nurturing and supportive nature probably could have fooled anyone under the right circumstances.

“It’s fun just getting to spend time with you like this,” he answered with a comforting smile. “Getting to be close to you like this. Now that I know how much you mean to me and why, I never want to stop being by your side.”

Such powerful words uttered with such a casual inflection. That silver tongue of his was one of Joe’s selling point, literally, one of the traits he’d been designed with in an attempt to woo and satisfy his customers. He never failed to give each and every one what they wanted, but in the end, it left him feeling emptier with each passing day. He found himself at a loss when the same people he’d been made to please turned on him. He didn’t understand how humans could be so fickle, how they could change their minds so easily.

For beings like him, he could and was expected to focus on one thing and only one thing for the entire duration of his existence. He wasn’t permitted to deviate from his directive, from his code…and he wasn’t supposed to find any fault in living that way, either. But humans could change their minds in the blink of an eye, and from his experience, they often did. One day, Joe wanted to be able to make decisions like that, even if he was only successful once. Although the strides he was making in getting to that point were small, he was content to know he was making them at all. On top of that, he didn’t have to do it alone.

��But I don’t do this nearly as well as you,” she lamented, casting her gaze to the floor. If she looked at him, she knew she’d be overwhelmed by feelings of either radiance or guilt. The radiance would naturally be a product of him; he was always so impressive and wonderful in her eyes. An eternally flawless presence, the person that’d changed her life for the better in so many ways. She was still a little skeptical—or perhaps even a lot—when he told her that she’d saved his. Sure, she knew she’d provided a certain level of protection for the two fugitives, but offering them her help had never been a question. Before they’d even come to her door, it was open for them.

“It’s not about doing well, it’s about enjoying yourself,” Joe explained, helping the girl shift her weight more naturally. “As long as you’re having fun, that’s all that matters. And are you?”

“Of course I am!” He didn’t even have to ask. There was nothing Alexys enjoyed more than spending time with Joe, just having him in her life. When she woke up in the morning and was greeted by the two refugees she’d been fortunate enough to receive, sometimes she thought she was dreaming. But her confusion was always quickly dispelled when one of them approached her to give her a hug or kiss on the cheek, some sort of physical interaction that surely would have woken her up if she wasn’t conscious already. The joy that sparked through her system when they were around, when she felt their embraces and heard their kind words, was unlike anything she’d ever experienced before. She couldn’t be more grateful for it…she couldn’t be more grateful for them.

“You’re doing fine,” Joe complimented with a chuckle, guiding his partner in a sophisticated twirl. He wasn’t amused in a pejorative way; when they were together like this, Joe just wanted to make her smile. Seeing such an expression grace her beautiful rose dusted face or hearing the ecstatic sound of her laughter…he knew nothing could ever compare to the happiness he had with her. “Better than fine, actually—”

“But I keep tripping on you, and I can’t keep up, and—”

“Alexys.”

His voice was soft but stern. The unexpected tone made Alexys look up, and when she did her companion took the chance to steal a kiss. She almost lost her balance again, caught off guard by his bold gesture, but he wound his arm around her waist to steady her. Staring into his eyes, suspended in his arms, feeling his lips against her own…this really was paradise. As dangerous as it was for her to keep them here, Alexys knew that nothing could ever make her abandon David or Joe. And even better, but still much to her surprise, they’d both promised to never abandon her.

[chillihansol]

Night Intruder ; H O S H I

[ bf!soonyoung x reader ]

word count: 1,727 genre: very (if you squint) fluff a/n: i have this in my drafts for the longest time, idk why i just posted it. and omg why am i not posting a christmas scenario,, someone pls save me from my inconsistency. but if im not mistaken, this was requested by anon,, im sorry it took forever to be posted asdffhgkl.. i hope you enjoy it! ps. thank you so much luna for proofreading this, you’re so kind and sweet

53: “My shirt looks better on you.” 54: “Are you sure this is legal?”

It was a cold Saturday night when you thought you were going to die. Dramatic - yes - but the flu can make people think incredible things. A thick, pastel blanket was wrapped around your body. Your feet were being hugged by those warm fuzzy socks your boyfriend had bought you. And, surrounding you was a warm, dim glow from the lamp. Yet, even in the comfort of that room your head was spinning because of a very painful, and unnecessary headache. You had absolutely no energy to move at all, but, still you flinched from the loud thud you assumed that came from the terrace.

Your head pounded as you used your elbow to support your weak body and  lift yourself upright. Through blurry eyes you found yourself squinting, catching a  glimpse of a tall figure standing just outside your room. Yes. Someone is definitely at your terrace.

You suddenly came back to your senses, sitting up straight, and fumbling the nearest weapon you could fine. Unfortunately, that just so happened to be a pen. It could at least leave a puncture to the intruder, right?

Slowly and silently, you crawled out of your bed, tip toeing to lessen the noise of your footsteps. There are two downsides to this, firstly t’s two in the morning, secondly, you’re suffering from a not-so-mild flu - wait - how in the world are you going to think of a plan of attack?! 

You stopped on your tracks. Yep, you were panicking. With a wild look in your eyes you scanned your packed room trying desperately to find a place to hide, but,  it was too late. The terrace door opened, and with that cold shiver of wind you swore it was welcoming your death. 

A loud, yet, hoarse squeal escaped your mouth as the intruder approached. “Gosh , Y/N. Where do you get so much energy to squeal at this time?”

You were struck still as the stranger passed by. He switched on the lights and suddenly you were blinded. A bright light filled the room, and you found yourself squeezing your sensitive eyes shut to compensate. 

When you managed to adjust, you found your boyfriend standing in front of you. “Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung’s mouth was agape as he took in your condition. You had dark circles under your eyes, you lips cracked, and pale, your shirt was inside-out, and a pen gripped between your suddenly very sweaty palm. 

“Y/N, oh my goodness. What happened to you?” He carefully placed the box you didn’t notice that he was holding before walking up to you. Soonyoung quickly wrapped his arms around your hips. 

As soon as he touched you, he felt your fever immediately transfer to his skin. “Are you sick?” he asked, cupping your cheeks with one of his palms. “And, why are you holding a pen?”

You brought a hand to your mouth before coughing. “I caught a flu, probably from the kid next door,” you replied very weakly, attempting to softly push Soonyoung away but he didn’t move a single inch. “As for the pen, I thought you were an intruder. I thought I was going to die tonight. Why didn’t you just knock on the front door?” you whined, pinching his arm.

“Baby, you can’t kill me with a pen!” He laughed, swaying your body to his own rhythm. “And why didn’t you tell me that you’re sick? I would have brought some medicine for you.”

You pulled away from his grip, before proceeding to sit on the edge of your bed. Soonyoung however remained standing  in front of you. “I didn’t want you to get sick, dork. Seungcheol will be mad.” You pouted at him.

“I’d be more mad if you don’t tell me about your health.” He replied seriously, holding both of your hands this time. “Please, tell me next time if you’re not feeling well, okay? Seeing you hurt right now is unbearable for me.”

You felt your lips rip a little from the dryness as you attempted to give him a small smile. “I’m sorry, I’ll tell you next time.” You pulled him down to sit beside you. “You’re not mad at me, aren’t you?”

“I’m not.” He chuckled, eyeing you from head to toe except you spotted him narrowing his eyes at your choice of clothing. “I’ve been looking for that shirt for two weeks now.” He mumbled, shaking his head.

When your eyes snapped to the shirt barely engulfing your figure, a very light shade of pink dusted on your cheeks. “You told me I could keep it!” You continued to pout as you snuggled closer to his arm.

“I did?” he asked confusedly. “I don’t remember saying that,” he joked, forcing himself not to smile from your sudden affection.

You peeled yourself from him, mind spinning for a millisecond, reminding you of your existing flu, before letting out a very deep sigh. “Okay, I’ll just give it back to you when–”

“I’m only kidding. You can keep it! Of course, I remember saying that.” He interrupted far too enthusiastically, pulling you again into his grip. “You can have the rest if you want too! My shirt looks better on you anyway.”

“Can I get Minghao’s shirts too? They’re very stylish and–”

“No! My shirts only.”

“Okay.” You laughed, nuzzling your face into his chest.

A  sudden silence fell between the two of you. The only sound was that of your breaths which were remarkably soothing for your pounding head. With the warmth of his body you almost forgot your shivering state earlier when the night breeze crashed into your room. Eventually, your eyelids grew heavy.,

Soonyoung’s fingers were running a marathon on your hair, sending a calming sensation through your sick body. Although on  the verge of snoozing, curiosity started to plague your mind. Why was Soonyoung here are two in the morning?

“Babe?” you mumbled into his chest.

His chest vibrated as he hummed in response. 

“Why are you here again?”

With your question, he flinched, making you sit upright, your sleepiness washed away.

“Right,” He muttered, reaching for the box resting on the floor. This was the second time you noticed that box, and also the time your anticipation grew.

He sat on the floor, legs crossed, and placed the box in his lap. “I found this earlier outside the building.” He lifted the lid to reveal a stray kitten, covered in pure white fur. Its blue eyes shone in contrast to the white, and there on the tip of its tail was a  small black spot. Except, that wasn’t what caught your full, undivided attention, no, it was its one folded ear made your cheeks lift up to heaven.

If you’d have had  more energy right now, you would have jumped and squealed from the sheer cuteness of the kitten, but, you were just too tired . “It’s so cute, oh my gosh. Baby, look at the ears!” Your voice cracked in  attempt to speak in a higher, excitable tone, making Soonyoung burst out laughing.

“Don’t talk like that, you’re hurting your throat.“ His eyes turning into crescents as he gazed at you dearly.

“Does it bite?” The kitten let out a soft high pitched meow which you swore that made your heart dance crazy.

“Oh my gosh,” You cried, obviously falling in love with the kitten. “Can I touch it?”

“Yeah, she’s very kind.” Soonyoung carefully held the cat in his hand, setting it down on your lap.

“She?” You giggled, rubbing its chin.

“Yeah, I’ve checked it already. What name do you think suits her?”

Your eyes widened at him. “We’re keeping her?” you asked hopefully. 

“Yeah, she doesn’t deserve to live on the streets, right?” He scooted closer to you, leaning his body against your dangling legs.

“But you literally stole a kitten from its mother, are you sure this is legal?”

The corners of his lips rose, his mouth pouring sets of laughter because of your statement. “You’re so cute.” He cooed. “It’s legal. It’s not like I’m going to get arrested because I want to take care of a kitten.”

“But you stole it!” you exclaimed.

“I did it for a good cause.”

“Well, you have a point.” You shrugged, still petting the cat.

“Aren’t I a sweet boyfriend? Lending cash, giving you comfy clothes, and a cat, plus I’m a good choreographer, oh and I’m pretty darn cute. I can be sexy too if I try–”

“Who said you have to try being sexy? You already are.” You winked at him.

Though you and Soonyoung have been dating for a while now, you never fail to make his heart flutter. “You’re so in love with me.” He smirked.

“True.” You whispered with a grin plastered on your face. When your attention went back to the kitten she was already sound asleep, head tilted ever so slightly to the side. Yet you noticed that she was also shivering. “Babe, she’s asleep.” Your voice very low.

Soonyoung grabbed one of your throw pillows, placed it on the floor, before lifting the kitten from your lap to move it onto your soft, fluffy cushion. You watched the way she shifted her position, making herself at home.

You sneezed, making your boyfriend turn to you his eyebrows scrunched together. “Are you allergic?” He asked softly, stroking your knee.

Sniffling you shook your head twice. “It’s just the flu.”

“Let’s get you to sleep.” He stood, before walking over to switch off your light, whilst you crawled into your bed.

Together you both slipped under the warm blanket. Your tensed muscles relaxed as soon as Soonyoung’s arms wrapped around your body. “I won’t be able to sleep anyway.” You mumbled into his chest.

“Why?” He looked down at you, with a worried expression etched into his facial features.

“I lost one pillow.”

“You don’t need that. I’m your extra pillow.” He chuckled, hugging you closer. “Good night, love you.”

You smiled into his chest, closing your eyes. “Love you too.”

© to the owner of the photos. I do not own any of the photos used.

[thedegenerateasexual]

i’m liveblogging chapters 2-7 (they’re short chapters, i don’t wanna make too many posts, but this one is actually super long, so whatever) of let’s talk about love under the cut - i started on my main, but there’s too much sex stuff in it to keep going there (sigh) so i’m moving it over here. i should have just done it here to begin with, smh. (bolding still mine)

After five days of awkwardly inching around each other in their room, [Margot] had told Alice she wanted a “clean break” right before she finished moving out. Didn’t even want to be friends anymore because asexuality was unnatural.

(Okay, so maybe Margot didn’t say that exactly, but that’s how it felt.)

hey, margot can get fucked, this is how people wind up internalizing some serious bullshit

Moschoula had tanned skin, the kind of color that implied she was most likely mixed rather than white, with kinky, natural burnt-orange hair pulled up into a bun on the top of her head.

Cutie Code: Yellow, no question about it.

An intense obsession with aesthetics had taken Alice by surprise in high school and she had begun to code her reactions. She had created Alice’s Cutie Code™, complete with a color wheel for easy categorizations—from Green to Red, with all the colors in between.

HTIS IS SO CUTE this is not unlike Asexual Bingo what a universal Ace Mood™ to make up internal little categorizations like this (also moschoula sounds like a babe)

[Alice] had met Moschoula and her friends during a Pride rally at school. She was the only girl in that group who didn’t snub Alice for being bi.

HEY AND THERE’S ANOTHER THING bi people get so much bullshit for being bi so even tho she isn’t out as ace the fact that she’s biromantic still puts her in a place where she’s less likely to feel welcome in queer spaces like if she got snubbed for that no wonder she doesn’t wanna come out as ace

It had all been Margot’s idea. She had kissed Alice first. She had convinced her to date. She had wanted this, wanted her. And Alice had fallen for it and Margot and everything they were and could be. She had believed in Margot and their relationship. Had thought herself to death about it, and each night it resurrected itself in her dreams. Margot made her want this specific brand of happiness. Made her believe she could have it.

Feeling stupid didn’t even cover it.

i feel like I’M the one sitting in a coffeeshop and crying my eyes out 

How could Margot say something like that?

What made sex so integral that people couldn’t separate the emotional love they felt from one physical act?

Love shouldn’t hinge solely on exposing your physical body to another person. Love was intangible. Universal. It was whatever someone wanted it to be and should be respected as such. For Alice, it was staying up late and talking about nothing and everything and anything because you didn’t want to sleep—you’d miss them too much. It was catching yourself smiling at them because wow, how does this person exist?? before they caught you. It was the intimacy of shared secrets. The comfort of unconditional acceptance. It was a confidence in knowing no matter what happened that person would always be there for you.

If Alice couldn’t even tell Margot she was asexual, then no, she hadn’t been in love.

YOU GO ALICE NO YOU WEREN’T & also she sounds like a jerk anyway

Moschoula tapped the back of Alice’s hand. “It’s good to see you smile.”

“Only for you.”

“You know my girlfriend hates it when you say things like that to me.”

“Adoration and continuous compliments are how I express my affections.” Alice rolled her eyes. “And it’s not like I say it in front of her. There’s literally nothing to be jealous of.”

Moschoula sighed. “I think she just wants you to, uh, compliment her, too.”

“Oh.” Alice pursed her lips. “I thought she didn’t like me, but I think I can arrange that.”

1. is moschoula poly because that’d be rad 2. what a mood what are friends for if you can’t compliment them all the time like obviously never ever give out fake compliments but Still (also hey look at that! ace can still be affectionate to lots of people! it’s one of those base things u know objectively but like it’s so nice to see up close)

chapter 3:

she found a pic of her and margot while moving in w/ her bestie and her bestie’s bf and she’s sad and i’m sad:

She noticed Margo’s giant mound of hair before anything else about her—it was that natural sunlit blond tempered with streaks of light and dark brown that sent customers in droves to hair salons. It complemented her beautiful olive skin, soft gray eyes, and that wickedly easy smile always up for a challenge.

She was Cutie Code: Orange-Red and then she was just Margot before becoming Alice’s Margot, but now she wasn’t anything.

Because Alice was a Corpse.

Because she was unnatural and incapable of loving someone.

(God, when in the hell was this going to stop hurting?)

this shit is exactly what i mean! she even knows better than to believe it and it still hits below the belt!

omg okay so she is out to some people!! her bestie’s bf at least:

[Ryan] plucked the picture from her fingers. “It’s for your own good,” he said when she protested. “I just can’t believe she said that to you. I mean, I know you’re not lying, but she seemed so nice.”

“It’s the nice ones you have to watch out for.” She crossed her arms. “Or whatever that stupid saying is. Why can’t I find someone who loves being with me, as is, as much as I love being with them? Romantically. Am I asking for too much?”

“I say this cautiously because it’s not the only answer, but maybe try dating someone who’s ace, too.”

She scoffed. “Long-distance relationships are not my jam, and that’s probably all I’d find. The Internet is great, a lot of my friends live there, but I want a partner who’s here with me.” She flicked a white speck off a black stuffed bear before setting it down on her sliver of a desk. The thing was barely three feet wide. “I’m tired of putting myself out there,” she mumbled.

god damn what a mood

“If you need to cry, then cry, but just promise me you won’t do it in front of Feenie, please.” He glanced at the doorway before lowering his voice. “I’ve already had to talk her out of driving to Margot’s house this week. Twice.”

“But she lives in Iowa.”

“Twice,” he repeated. “You know how she gets.”

Feenie had always been (lovingly) overprotective of Alice. If she had told Feenie what Margot had actually said, Feenie would probably disappear into the night and her mug shot would be everywhere in the morning.

feenie’s a good egg. 

Back then, Alice … didn’t even know if she had wanted to date yet, but she also didn’t have any doubts about her asexuality. She had spent countless hours thinking and coming to terms with what that meant, the kind of future she wanted to have, and if that could possibly include another person.

The bottom line was her body had never shown so much as a flicker of sexual interest in anyone. But that didn’t mean she liked being alone. That didn’t mean she wasn’t lonely. That didn’t mean she didn’t want romance and didn’t want to fall in love. It didn’t mean she couldn’t love someone just as fiercely as they loved her.

this is also a mood like…i don’t know ANY ace person who hasn’t at one point had to think about this - like to so many people to be asexual is to be alone and that’s just facts. and yeah, of course it’s not true objectively, but when it’s your life and you’re looking at all those long years in your future it’s not as easy to feel so sure

omg so her parents called and her mom is apparently kind of overbearing…alicve is going to law school! her whole family is lawyers so alice must also be lawyer except she hasn’t declared her major yet

loving this parental conflict tbh like as good as the ace stuff is i love that she can be more than that

chapter 4:

ALICE IS MEME GARBAGE PASS IT ON

Cara waved back before pointing toward the table closest to the elevator.

Alice looked—her Cutie Code™ immediately shot up to Red.

(That hadn’t happened at first sight since the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last year and never in the wild.)

She stopped in front of the elevator, facing forward, and pressed the button. A curious, nervous sensation wriggled and rooted itself down inside her chest. Alice looked over her shoulder again, blinking rapidly at the person reading on his phone, completely oblivious.

Only his profile was visible. Tanned skin. Dark eyebrows. Strong chin. And a tiny curl of hair brushing against his forehead. He held his thumbnail in between his teeth, his index finger curving over his top lip, the rest of his hand curled into a loose fist. Most likely to hide his smile—whatever he was reading was making him adorably happy.

Her Cutie Code™ ticked upward until it strained against the top.

The elevator pinged. Alice shrugged off the sensation and walked inside. Turning around, she pressed the button for the fifth floor.

Just as the doors began to close, the Cutie Code: Red person in question lifted his head, looking right at Alice. She staggered backward, clutching the banister as the elevator began to ascend.

Kill Bill sirens blared in Alice’s head.

KILL BILL SIRENS LOL

also like…what a mood. every once in awhile it’s like a lightning strike. and u just have to stagger a lil bit

The elevator hummed and whirred, the floors illuminated and darkened as they were passed, and the air inside wrapped her in its warm, fake-pine smelling embrace. Same as always. Nothing had changed, magically making today the day she became moments away from suffering a massive heart attack.

Sure, she hadn’t worked out for a while (see: ever) and her diet primarily consisted of ramen noodles during lean times (see: all the time), but this was a bit overkill. Her body had, at least, a minimum of fifteen years before she had to worry about that kind of thing.

Out of the elevator and in the hall, she took a moment to catch her breath. It was a hop, skip, and a jump to the break room and she wasn’t sure if it was empty. The library didn’t have many employees, but the last thing she needed was someone to spot her and ask if she was okay.

(In her mind, she was sure she had that whole deer about to die in the headlights look going on.)

OMG ALICE GIRL CALM DOWN LOL this is so cute im gonna die

Alice blew out a huff of breath. Right, then. Time for work. The continued cute analysis would have to wait.

(Maybe he would still be downstairs.…)

(FOCUS, WOMAN!)

(Right!)

ic annot believe this

She tried to take a sly peek to see who it was and … Jesus.

(Sweet God in heaven, have mercy on her soul.)

Her Cutie Code™ blasted straight past the Red zone. If it were a pressure gauge, the glass would have cracked right down the middle.

He was gorgeous—and that was not a word Alice threw around lightly. Not just “Hi, I’m the new boy next door” gorgeous, but the kind of gorgeous that would make you slap your mama. The kind of gorgeous you’d stab your best friend of twenty years in the back, set her house on fire, and drive off into the sunset with her husband for. Have sex in the break room at work even though you know there are security cameras in there gorgeous.

As if she’d actually do any of those things.

She always laughed at characters who lost every last drop of their common sense on TV and in movies when someone too attractive for words crossed their path. If this guy was on a show, he’d be considered the kind of gorgeous that would cause midseason plot twists and act-two spinouts, leaving the viewer on the edge of their seat because their beloved characters were goners after looking into those dark brown eyes.

And he stared at her.

(Too much cute.)

(A veritable cutie-induced overload.)

There was a place for cute and every cute in its place. Whoever he was hadn’t just exceeded her scale. He had broken it.

Cutie Code: Black—the Next Generation.

It had to either be him or the heart attack had been replaced by a disorienting fever virus. This was how it happened in the movies: some poor soul (Alice) was doing great, having a perfectly normal (and punctual!) day. And then, in some innocuous way, they’d have contact with Patient Zero (him) and boom—uncontrollable sweating, fever, chills, hemorrhaging, and then … death.

This wouldn’t kill her (possibly), but she had an idea what it was.

Attraction: The Final Frontier.

The Fatal-est Attraction.

Death Becomes Attraction.

im sry this was such a long excerpt but i am absolutely cackling like 1. YEP THERE IT IS LOL 2. the bolded is such a mood 3. this technically makes her gray-ace!!!!! wow i love her

so he’s working at the library with her and the rest of this chapter is her showing him how to clock in and using as few words as possible bc she’s wigging out and like forgot how to talk like a normal human being. lowkey he keeps grinning at her so i think he’s got her number

also, he has blue hair. wonderful

chapter 5:

“Why are you crying? What happened?” Feenie’s concerned face filled the screen on Alice’s phone.

OMG HONEY PLEASE UR GONNA BE OKAY i can’t believe this i want to hug her that’s the first line of chapter five

BACKSTORY TIME:

In elementary school, while all of Alice’s friends had talked about boys they liked, she had kept quiet.

In middle school, she had pretended to have a crush on Patrick Furlong so she would have someone to talk about, too.

(This was where she had begun to perfect the art of playing along.)

In high school, Alice had gone all out, pretending to be hopelessly in love with Sam Oliphant. She had damn near snatched the this love is our destiny crown right off Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald Crane Winthrop’s head.

oh damn mood lmao i spent so much time in school pretending to have crushes on boys 

But this had been where Alice messed up. Turned out, Sam had a thing for Alice, too. A different kind of thing, but a thing nonetheless.

He had asked her out. She had to say yes.

Oh No

Alice had been trying to sort out the difference between romantic attraction (which she felt) and sexual attraction (which she didn’t). By the end of their first week together, she knew for a fact that she didn’t even want to be Sam’s friend anymore. He was an awful human being. A human-shaped garbage fire. A waste of space and genetic material.

But finally, finally, she fit in perfectly with her friends.

(Peer pressure was a helluva drug.)

ARE YOU KIDDING THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME LOL (he STROKED my arm and SNAPPED my bra stap, WITHOUT permission, IN the hallway while EVERYONE was changing classes)

the reason i didn’t break up with him wasn’t because of peer pressure (i didn’t really have many friends) because i didn’t want to be mean and hurt his feelings (looking back: bananas, but he had like…….bought me presents), but then he kissed another girl in the cafeteria so i was free to shove a mean locker in his letter and never speak to him again, thank the good lord

Normal felt like a constant state of despair, but they had stopped teasing her. Had stopped giving her pitying looks, calling her “innocent” and excluding her from sleepovers because she had nothing romantic to gossip about.

Fast-forward six months, she’s dumped with a new nickname. The Corpse. Because kissing him had been an ordeal to overcome. Because she never seemed interested in touching him (see: jacking him off). Because she had just lay there while Sam had sex with her, and he had told everyone.

lmao im gonna start crying again wow. wow. she hated him and still let him & he did her like that. okay. this is fine. i want to fly out there & kill him

Whenever Alice thought about that time, two things stuck out:

One—Francine Loren’s mock whisper in the locker room: “I heard she didn’t moan. Not even when he went down on her.”

Two—the curiously soft sound of Feenie’s fist connecting with Francine’s face layered with the instantaneous crunch of bone cracking.

FEENIE IS A GOOD EGG AND I LOVE HER what teenage me wouldn’t have given for someone to punch a particular person in the face for me

Feenie standing up for her gave Alice the courage to tell her friend the truth. She had confessed she thought something might be wrong, so one day, after health class, they had talked to their teacher, who then said the word: asexual.

man…………………….look………..as much as i bitch and whine about a lot of ace media (see: fic, there is no ace media) being like This Person Is Asexual Here Is A Vocabulary Lesson college 101 course type stuff…can you FUCKIGN imagine if a health teacher could just tell you this shit? my health teachers werent even allowed to talk about gay people, or orgasms - one time when someone asked how you know sex is over the reply was “it’s over when the man ejaculates” - imagine if you could just go to someone and get told there was nothing wrong with you! 

like alice dealt with this for SIX MONTHS and let someone she hated touch her body and that is HORRIBLE enough right there, but like i hear of stories of 60-year-olds with kids realizing that shit about themselves, & like…not to get personal! (about to get personal) i was with someone who was, uh, really horrible, for YEARS, & he was giving me all that rhetoric margot was spewing on the daily 

& it took SO MUCH internet reading to figure it out and even when i did i was like, no, no, i’m demi, i can be attracted to him because i love him, & while part of that was bc i was afraid of making him angry (horrible! he was horrible) another part of me was because i was SO SURE (going back to what they talked about in the first chapter) that if i couldn’t enjoy sex w/ him i couldn’t love him. (so was he!) like….i figured out what i was and it felt right as in correct but not right as in good. my IMMEDIATE kneejerk reaction was “no god not this i cannot be this there has to be some way to make myself not this”

anyway sorry that sure was a textwall of unnecessary bullshit i’m so relieved no one will be interested enough to read this post but this book is Real & touches me deeply is all im saying

Feenie eyed her, keeping her face neutral. “And you think you’re attracted to him?”

“What else could it be? It’s not just me appreciating how cute something is like I usually do. He’s beautiful, Feenie. I almost melted into primordial soup of Alice.”

“And he’s so beautiful, you think you want to have sex with him?”

Alice fidgeted in her seat. “I’m not sure.”

Feenie gave her a withering look. “Okay, well, how did he make you feel?”

“Like I was stupid. I’m serious! Don’t look at me like that. My mind went completely blank and filled up with white noise.”

AWWW HONEY she is crying because she felt attraction & see on the other end even once you’ve finally internalized all the Good Shit™ sometimes that will happen and ur like Oh No I’m a Bad Ace I Really Was Just Broken All Along god that’s rough buddy i’m so glad she has such a good best friend

The Cutie Code™ was a fun game, but it was also a system used for critical analysis—Alice’s way of processing the different kinds of attraction everyone else seemed to experience. She only shared her system/game with those whose opinions she trusted, to see how her coding compared to theirs.

It was about feeling—the level of emotions it could evoke from her, how likely it would be to make her squee, and most important, how did her body physically respond to it.

A naked, muscular male chest was Code: Red for Feenie. Meanwhile, it was Uncodable for Alice. Over time, it expanded to include everything, and Alice had become obsessed with it.

i love that she has this way of classifying things internally and like…that it’s different for everybody like my internal way of classifying things is not at all like this but it’s all valid n shit

She needed to push it to the back of her mind, get some perspective. Tomorrow, when she got to work, everything would be the way it was before she ever laid eyes on Takumi. She’d call it a fluke, yes, a one-off event, due to her body short-circuiting from stress. It would not happen again. 

chapter 6:

Oh dear God.

She had been wrong. So very, very wrong.

lmao

The feelings, the sensations, came right back, flooding into her like they had never faded. Alice had always wondered what physical attraction would feel like, and while she didn’t necessarily dislike it, she wished there were a button she could press to turn it back off.

oh MOOD. me daily when i see Certain People: that’s enough of that allo bullshit, thanks

And she was still mystified. And attracted. Like a giant dumbstruck moth to a supernaturally beautiful bug zapper. Screaming was most definitely not in Alice’s best interests, but that didn’t stop the urge to want to do it.

alice is SO valid i love and support her

Essie was determined to crack the Cutie Code™. Once, it baffled her how a painted image of the aurora borealis could surpass her own Code: Yellow. Essie had spent a solid twenty minutes arguing how she was more attractive than some “weird, squiggly green lights in the sky.”

There’s no way Alice would admit that Takumi was Code: Black. Once she explained it, vainer-than-vain Essie might lovingly murder her.

cutie code is also valid i love that like it encompasses everything and not just people that’s such a cool look into the way that other people work - this is the kind of shit i mean when i say being ace is about more than not being attracted to other people - just like how when you’re gay you don’t do all that Straight Culture BS like saying babies have boy/girlfriends or whatever - like, being ace, it’s often a terribly lonely, isolating experience that can be full of self-loathing, but it’s a contemplative one too, and when romance is off the table (by choice or not) there can be so much joy in the other kinds of connections you make with people, anyway i absolutely love the cutie code

chapter 7:

there’s this whole long thing about her sister beign like CALL ME and alice being like LMAO NO which is also a mood

omg and then while shes waitin on her bus takumi sits down next to her

“Do you want a ride?”

A ride. In his car. Alone.

Good God.

She shook her head.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.”

“I’m fine. All the time. I mean, I take the bus. All the time.” She gave herself a mental high five for forming actual words.

this is the cutest shit i’ve ever seen

“Are,” Takumi began slowly, “you okay?”

“I’m fine. Why?”

“You seem kind of”—he moved farther down the seat away from her, eyes concerned—“tense.”

girl i know

“Still not feeling talkative, huh?” he teased.

“It’s your fault,” she blurted, making him laugh.

“Is that right?” He tilted his head to the side, smiling while biting his bottom lip.

A severe hot flash ripped through her, level: wildfire. It started in her head and scorched its way downward until it singed the coral pink nail polish off her toes. It may have been due to embarrassment or possibly desire (???), because, at that moment, they felt eerily similar to her.

desire (???) is the BIGGEST ace mood

She knew that look.

The Look. The one a person used when they tried to figure out if they liked what they saw enough to date. Not even a month ago, she wished people would stop giving her that look so she wouldn’t ever have to explain about being asexual. Did she want Takumi to find her attractive? She wasn’t sure, because what if he did? What if he asked her out?

What if, what if, what if?

Why, why, why?

Margot’s smiling face popped into her head. A warning. This was the beginning, and regardless of what happened with Takumi in the middle, everything would end with that one word. He’d want to know. She’d have to explain.

OH NOOOOOO this is so sad like………yeah obviously you’re gonna stop bothering lmao when you already know how it will end. garbage! that’s garbage! 

anyway With That i unfortunately have to sleep it’s 6am 

but this is the best book EVER

[countdownto65]

Empathy for Self

What is the nemesis of shame? Empathy.

What is the root of most of your shame? Attention seeking, codependentcy and sexual misconduct.

Empathy. You were the oldest in the family fighting for parental attention against two babies.

You hit puberty early. This was a 2 fold problem. You started getting attention furthering the tight shirts but in turn Everyone in 4th grade started calling you a ho. You had never even kissed a boy. You were not a ho and kids are fucking mean.

But you know who else’s attention you got by having boobs, dressing in body suits and seeking attention at 11 years old? A fucking pedophile. While your behavior made you an easy target, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SEXUALLY EXPLOITED AT 12, 13, 14, OR 15 YEARS OLD. Did you fuckin get that? No matter what your actions it was not your fault they targeted you. Even if you agreed to it at 13, 14, 15 you can leave that self blame right here bc that was their bad NOT YOURS. This is where you learned sex = attention, power, control. They would buy you stuff, get you high and drunk, make you feel like the best person they know all (not explicitly stated) for sexual behavior. I learned a skewed view on relationships and appropriate sexual behavior in adult married behavior. I learned to emotionally detach from sex. I learned to over ride the “this shit ain’t right” feeling you get in your chest when you are uncomfortable in a situation. All of these things are what set your boundaries and your very left field view of what kind of attention makes you feel worthwild. This was not your fault and sometimes life has shitty things happen that effect our outlook forever.

So it sure was easy to sleep with boyfriends, I mean you “loved” them, they were always older, sex was something that didn’t come from everybody so with my sexual skills I learned from the pedophiles I was the best gf a 16 year old could have. And bc I could so easily separate sex from emotion (as a conditioned response to molestation) and it was a way to get boys I liked to notice me, I gave it up easily. Not necessarily sex, but sexual acts. It was one way I felt power and control. Boys treated me special on the surface bc I was pretty with tight clothes…but I failed to realize the power was momentary at the cost of respect. Both self respect and respect of everyone else. This was when my first experience with the fuck and run type of dude came in. The first time I cared. After that I didn’t at least I told myself I didn't but This was when I began codependency. They didn’t always fuck and run. I was good at getting boys to stick around for a while. I was a serial dater. I had to have a significant other to feel worth so I had too many boyfriends. Always one on hand one on the backburner. This was you reaching out for real connection, something you felt had been missing both with your parents, your abusers and your random sexual encounters. When I had a bf I was faithful. I know that sounds fucked up bc I just said I had a backburner but I was never sleeping with this other guy. I just friend zoned him knowing he liked me so I could establish my safety net. So one day at 17 Ieft home, went to a house party, hooked up with the guy who’s house it was (Matt) and that was the start of my first adult relationship. I loved him from the bottom of my toes but he often cheated on me and I never left him for it. It was at this time that I severed my relationship with my abusers. I was old enough to at least have an inkling something wasn’t right, plus now I considered it cheating and I didn’t cheat on him. He started selling drugs. We both got into cocaine. It was easy bc I dated the dopeman.

Then he went to prison. I continued the relationship with him but continued to date/sleep with men while he was away. This was when I caught an std and began stripping on weekends. This is still caused by poor boundaries and a skewed idea of sex and power… Set in motion by sexual abuse. By now I had slowed way down on cocaine but had a huge weed and alcohol habit. I worked at a catholic preschool during the week but stripped to pay for my substances on Sat nights. This set off a little bit of the uncomfortable double life feeling but I pushed it down. I also hustled people for substances. Although I never slept with anyone for money or drugs. But I def made them think I might so they would get me high. Never felt bad either bc if your a dude willing to be got you deserved to get hustled…that was my mindset. I also saw stripping as a hustle. Hustle to me means fuck with a lame walk with a limp. I mean if your gonna be thirsty I’ll take your money. This is probably when I acquired my mindset that most dudes were creeps and out to get me. I realize now that by appearing easy I was literally attracting creeps but at the time I enjoyed the attention and the feeling of superiority and has a huge sample of men to confirm my bias.

Every now and then though I got tricked out of my hard exterior and caught feelings. This is my deep emotional need for connection, to feel worth while. This is where I met my daughters father. He was a giant red flag but problem with bad boundaries and emotional regulation is if I liked you I would ignore red flags and become overly obsessed with you. This has continued to be a problem throughout adulthood.

Anyways I dated Tony until He went to prison, then Matt got out of prison until we broke up, then Tony got out of prison and we has Olivia. Then Tony went back to prison and I met Jason, I left Jason when Tony got out of prison but when Tony and I broke up I went back to Jason and we had Leah. Are you seeing the boomerang effect of codependentcy and back burner relationships. One stable relationship was not enough.

I wanted Jason to be different. To be a family but unfortunately Jason turned out to be very abusive mentally, physically and emotionally. He was an alcoholic and a mean one. But for some reason I loved him and let him stomp on me over and over. He took my confidence. He took my pride. He took my soul. I tried to break up with him 30 times he would say no and just wouldn’t leave. I was faithful to him until I moved out into subsidised housing. But even then I didn’t have multiple men just one man that to this day I love. This guy put up with being #2 for 2 years on and off. Maybe he knew I loved him, maybe he knew that I was stuck with Jason, maybe he knew I needed to feel wanted and worthy. During this I felt guilty and shameful. I eventually bought a house and moved Jason in. That is when this other guy got a new gf and left me alone. It was like mourning a breakup that I couldn’t tell anyone. Eventually I legally evicted Jason and this left me with a self worth and connection black hole.

I acted out for a minute on my usual single m.o.. Then an old friend from middle school came in. He was different then others in that he was genuinely nice and cared for my well being. Unfortunately he also came with a huge dose of depression leading to at the time an inability to keep a job or help with housework. But I stayed with him on and off for the next few years bc I loved him for his emotional support and that he made me feel worthy. Plus it was safe. As a woman in her 30s, I am at the point that if I’m in a relationship I don’t cheat or scope out new guys or have a backburner. It kept me emotionally reeled in. But bc of my trust issues, bc of my lack of feeling worthy, bc of my resentment for him watching me struggle, and bc of my need for excitement or passion (see drama) I couldn’t be with him forever. Even after he got better and held a job and helped my brain short circuits and told me that our lack of connection was insurmountable. I broke his heart and he did nothing wrong. I am just still searching for that lasting “in love” connection that I am not sure exists. I harbor huge guilt here. Both for his feelings and for what could be wrong with me that I left what I said I wanted. That maybe my brain will never let me really love. My only empathy here is that I am working on my shit and all I can do is that.

Every time in my adult life when I have been unhappy in a relationship I’ve left instead of fixing. I have searched out attention through suggestive facebook posts or selfies or sexting. I have been emotionally raw towards men. I had a shitty attitude toward relationships. Anytime that I was single or had freedom I either had a fuck buddy that I didn’t feel anything for or sometimes I would make a strong connection and go all in. I would rush it sexually (again not necessarily full sex but messing around for sure) and more times then not I get played. Within 2 weeks after they no longer answer my texts or calls. This is the shit adult shame is built from. How can you be so blind and stupid? Why can’t you be stable and happy? But here is where I need an empathy piece. Your sexuality was already not healthy then Jason stripped you of any self worth. He often told you no one could ever love me bc I was such a low down terrible person, a piece of shit mother, a whore. Six years of that and you begin to believe it. So if a man comes along and sells you a dream of being loveable its hard not to want with all your heart to believe them. And sexuality is my only tool I know for reeling them in. But when things get too serious I start getting scared of being broken or having to work on things that historically haven’t worked or old scars become obsessions.

I am at a point in my life now that I want to change but Tbh I don’t know how. I want to regain respect for myself and I would like to change peoples opinion of me or better yet not care. This has sent me into a major mental health crisis. I want to know how to reel it in and gain respect while still being true to myself. I still yearn for spark, sex and connection but I want to do it healthily. I want to take the emotional polarization and shame out of sex. Instead of not caring at all or being a crazy obsessive smothering weirdo and throwing myself at someone then feeling like an idiot for falling so hard. So maybe dates in public, counting actions over words and putting time in between the spark and the sex.

I am still struggling with what to do about social media. I mean I need to chill on the provocative selfies, attention seeking posts, and entertaining anyone that messages me… but I still like to be noticed. I want to post selfies and I think dirty memes are funny. Anyway this is long. I am still figuring shit out. And I can’t just look at empathy without taking inventory of what I could have done differently. But this post is empathy and it did help take off a small piece of that shame.

(*when I say act out sexually I don't mean I've had hundreds of partners but rather I have been quick to sexually experiment but I have also developed a "stop point". Don't get it too twisted.)

[himbo-prime]

I wanna know about your super precious boyfriend

*PEERS*I don’t know if this is just u being goofy and NOT GOING TO BED BUT I WILL TAKE LITERALLY ANY OPPORTUNITY TO GUSH ABT MY AMAZING BF!! *DROPS A KEEP READING BREAK FOR PPL WHO DONT WANNA SEE MY SAPPY ASS GUSH*

we met over a year ago in discord thanks to the8bitdrummer who is a super positive, cheerful, extremely talented dude who improvs drumming to literally Any Song Ever on twitch

he had a discord server n we hit it off there and like a couple months after we met we were in this voice chat in my own server and it was me, him, and another friend of ours named Corm and cub just casually slipped this bs into voice chat “i mean everyone knows i like you but,” and i just fuckin fell apart and i’ve never been more flustered in my life tbh it’s still a really fond memory for me 

but like we both kinda ,, rushed into it and it was kinda sloppy and the relationship fell apart kinda fast and it was sad,, but in retrospect i’m glad we had that experience because went through SO MUCH ShIT together cause of it. like. every single thing life could possibly throw at us it did. more shitty relationships on my part, a failed polyamorous relationship that left all of us in tatters, emotional shitstorms and Real Life being a total dick, but somehow, we stuck through it. cub went from being a bit of a flopped relationship and awkward friendship to being my closest friend, confidante, and someone i knew would come to defend me even when i was 110% convinced i didn’t deserve it. he supported me through all my 500 different identity crises, spearheaded the efforts in my server to adjust to my new pronouns and ultimately boosted my self-esteem more than it’s ever been before. i am who i am now because of his support. 

until recently i tried to keep things kinda down low abt it cause i was with my ex, and even though that relationship was going downhill so so fast i didn’t wanna cross any lines. but we kinda,, re-confessed to each other shortly before the end of it. i had somehow convinced myself that he’d moved on because he did such a good job about keeping it under wraps and being an amazing friend to me even when i bitched to him about my ex and the troubles we were having. i was honestly startled to learn he still loved me through it all. 

and then we got to meet irl a little less than a month ago. *hoo boy*

that was literally the best day of my life, and i’m so sad i only had one day w/ him

his parents hate me so i was so scared of meeting them, but they wanted to see me in person and assess who I really was I guess and i did my best to b polite but i was so scared y’all i was finna Piss Myself right in front of these two and Cub (who was not yet my bf again yet) and my parents didn’t look any better either

but miraculously they didn’t call down a lightning bolt from God on me and they left and cub and i got to wander around the zoo together. 

y’all

cub was so fuckin cute i can’t e v e n. kept pointing out to me that he was rly nervous/awkward and i was (miraculously) totally calm/cool about it and was like no dude ur good i’m just glad you’re here, i literally don’t expect anything from you (”that’s somehow worse”, i remember him saying) 

then ok there’s this fuckin

train that goes around the zoo and it’s literally just supposed to be for little kids and their mothers but we got on it anyway and That’s Where Stuff Started Happening, right there on that stupid plywood train that went all of 3 miles per hour in a big, 4-minute circle

i don’t remember what he said but it was fuckin adorable and i told him as much and like nudged up against him and was like UR FUCKIN CUTE and he flustered so hard and it was ,, fuckin Light Of My Life man i’ve never been more amazed that so much cute could exist in a single person

and a bit after that (i think) he put his hand on my leg and was like “is this awkward” and i took his hand and held it and was like “hell no it ain’t”

the rest of the day went so much smoother after that breakthrough; he didn’t feel awkward anymore and i kept fuckin STARING AT HIM BC HIS EYES ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I COULDNT BELIEVE HE WAS W/ ME 

he kept sayin some rly sappy shit to me all day and we were both flustered as fuck like a solid 80% of the time i think but i’ve never been happier 

towards the end of the evening we were chillin in my hotel’s lobby, cause my parents went to bed early (we’d been up since 4am) and we wanted a bit of time to ourselves i guess, and 

we were sitting on this couch, next to a fireplace, lookin out like 10 windows while the sun finished setting and he faux-casually goes “y’know i’ve never been kissed” FAM!! FAM I WAS SO NERVOUS I FUCKIN DIE DUDE I WANTED TO KISS HIM LIKE LITERALLY ALL DAY BUT NOW I WAS FINNA DO IT AND MY NERVES!!! MY NERVESSSSS

i’m ,, so glad i managed the courage tho that kiss (and the goodnight kiss a bit later) was like,, the highlight of my Life and i wish i could do it again like a thousand times fuk i’m hella gay y’all 

anyway i just , really love him i know this post is super long and it’s way longer than i meant it to be but i’m so gay. so so gay. he’s my soft boy and i wouldn’t trade him for anything and i can’t wait to be with him again fuck @alchemicalraven I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OKAY ?? SHIT DUDe

*floats into the gay-ass abyss* goodbye i’m deceased

[extervus]

also do all of the questions lol

G o d I finally finished answering all these, I have the attention span of zero1 - already answered!2 - Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?: My mother. Overall, like with everything she's done my whole life, no, I don't. But the most recent thing, I kinda forgive her cause she guilted me into doing a training thing for a class I'll help teach (which, guilting is never okay, by the way) but it turned out to be Okay I guess3 - What do you think of when you hear the word "meow?": cat4 - What's something you really want right now?: For my WiFi to turn back on so I don't have to keep using data5 - Are you afraid of falling in love?: I've already fallen in love, so I mean, no6 - Do you like the beach?: y e s7 - Have you ever slept on a couch with somebody else?: This is oddly specific but no8 - What's the background on your phone?: The galaxy picture that I have set for my tumblr header9 - Name the last 4 beds you sat on: My bed, my mom's bed to talk to her, my bed at my dad's house, and the bed in the brown room at the lake house10 - Do you like your phone: Yes11 - Are things going the way you planned?: I mean, I don't know yet. So far, things are looking up for the next year to come. After that? I dunno12 - Who was the last person whose number you added to your phone contracts?: Fucken uhhhh I think a girl I had a video production class with last year13 - Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?: Both please and thank you14 - Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: It depends on what type of physical it is and what type of emotional it is15 - Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: Zoo16 - Are you tired?: yeah17 - How long have you known who your first phone contact?: I don't know whom my first contact was18 - Are they a relative?: Again, I don't know19 - Would you ever consider getting back with any of your exes?: No, cause everyone whom I broke up with, I did so cause either they were shitty, or cause the romantic love just wasn't there anymore20 - When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?: On the lips, it was my friend Leaf a little over a year ago, cause I had just broken up with my ex bf and I was joking like 'shit I can just kiss whomever.' Other types of kisses, Andi!!!!!!!!!!!!21 - If you knew you had to marry the right person, would you marry them today?: I don't know if this is relating to the last question or not, but I'm gonna answer this question with Andi in mind. I'm only 18 and they're only 17, so we're probably too young for marriage I think, but if they wanted to I'd be 100% down22 - Would you kiss the last person you kissed: Leaf; platonically, sure. Andi; Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! So many smooches please and thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm love smooching Andi23 - How many bracelets do you have on your wrist right now: Zero, but I have a raptor's claw necklace that I turned into a bracelet/weaponized bracelet. I'm just not wearing it right now24 - Is there a certain quote you live by?: "I'm just here for the laughs at this point," -Me25 - What's on your mind?: Sims 426 - Do you have any tattoos?: Not yet but Soon, I already have my first one planned27 - What is your favorite color?: Orange, purple and black28 - Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?: *shrug*29 - Who are you texting?: No one right now30 - Think to the last person you kissed, did you ever kiss them on a couch: y'all what is with the couch specific asks. Also no but I did give them Smooches sitting on the floor in front of a couch31 - Have you ever had the feeling that something bad was going to happen and you were right: Literally All The Time. I have a mega good intuition, it just sucks cause I also have paranoia/anxiety so I never know if a feeling I have is intuition or just anxiety 32 - Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can talk to: No I've Never Been Able To Talk To Someone Of The Opposite Sex (I hate opposite sex questions. Of fucking course I talk to people that have a different sex and/or gender than me)33 - Do you think anyone has feelings for you?: I dunno, @strike-commandxr do ya have feelings for me?34 - Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?: A Lot actually35 - Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you: If it's Leaf (since he's the last one I smooched on the lips that long time ago): hell yeah boy get your smooch on. If it's Andi (since I give Andi so many non lip smooches): Platonic smooches exist and I mean I'd wanna know what the context is but I mean I'm chill yo36 - Were you single on Valentine's Day?: No37 - Are you friends with the last person you kissed?: Leaf is one of my closest friends and I'm dating Andi and Andi is my best friend so yeah38 - What do your friends call you?: Max, various other names after I make a bad joke39 - Has anyone upset you in the past week?: Yeah, me mom40 - Have you ever cried over a text: u m y e a h41 - Where's your last bruise located?: God I have so many bruises on me legs from a pitbull we were puppysitting. She kept jumping up on me legs42 - What is it from?: Sweet lil Pitbull Pupper43 - Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?: I block a lot of bad memories out so I can't remember44 - Who was the last person you were on the phone with?: My mom45 - Do you have a favorite pair of shoes?: My combat boots46 - Do you wear hats if you're having a bad hair day?: Yeah, I wear my beanie47 - Would you ever go bald if it was the style?: Nah I like my current hair style48 - Do you make supper for your family?: First of all: the person who made this ask meme MUST be from the southern Midwest or from the south in general, cause they called it supper. Secondly: we don't really eat dinner together but if we ever do, it's my mom and I that does the cooking. I used to in middle school cook for the family though. But my sister leaned to cook for herself now49 - Does your bedroom have a door?: ????????????? Yeah???????????50 - Top three web pages?: My blog, Andi's blog, and Nick's blog51 - Do you know anyone who hates shopping?: My sister52 - Does anything on your body hurt?: Most of the time, there's always at least one part of my body that hurts or aches. Right now my shoulders hurt like a bitch cause they're so tense53 - Are goodbyes hard for you?: Like, goodbye as in literally saying goodbye or as in cutting off contact? Either way, no. The latter, I might be sad about it, but it's not really hard54 - What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?: water55 - How is your hair?: I really like it right now, it's a little greasy cause I need to shower but ya know. I keep forgetting to post selfies56 - What do you usually do first thing in the morning?: Go back to sleep57 - Do you think two people can last forever?: Yeah if they both keep a healthy relationship58 - Think back to January 2007; were you single?: I was. 7. (I wasn't single, technically, cause I had a lil 'boyfriend.' He was my best friend, really my only friend cause I didn't go to public school at the time. But again, I was 7 so it don't count)59 - Green or purple grapes?: Red grapes. Green and purple grapes taste bad to me60 - When's the next time you'll give someone a BIG hug?: As soon as I see one of my friends once school starts. Or whenever I see Andi next61 - Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?: Nah, I just want to lay in bed. I'm a tired boy62 - When will be the next time you text someone?: Bruh I dunno, why does this ask meme keep asking things about the future that I can't really know63 - Where will you be 5 hours from now?: In bed probably or on the computer (also it is 4:20 as I'm typing this specific one out just thought I'd let y'all know)64 - What were you doing at 8 this morning?: Sleepin65 - This last year, can you remember who you liked?: ??? Okay first of all, yes, I like and love Andi, whom is my heart. And platonically, I like and love all my friends. Secondly, whom would forget who they like within a year? I still remember my fourth grade crush66 - Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?: There's lots of people in my life that can do that67 - Did you kiss or hug anyone today?: No68 - What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?: I don't......remember69 - Have you ever tried your hardest and then got disappointed in the end?: If I have, I don't remember it70 - How many windows are open on your computer?: I'm not on my computer right now, I'm on me phone71 - How many fingers do you have?: ?????????????????? Ten. I understand that some folks don't have have their fingers but like, what a weird question to ask72 - What is your ringtone?: The fitness gram pacer test skjshlkdjs I keep forgetting to change it73 - How old will you be in 5 months?: 18 still74 - Where is your mum right now?: At work75 - Why aren't you with the person you were first in love with?: Just didn't work out b76 - Have you held hands with someone in the past three days?: sadly no77 - Are you friends with people you were friends with two years ago?: Most of them, yeah78 - Do you remember who you had a crush on in seventh grade?: I was dating a guy (before he came out as a guy) so does that count as a crush?79 - Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?: No?80 - Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?: Yeah81 - How many people have you liked in the past three months: One™ (I'm just gonna assume that 'like' means romantic love at this point)82 - Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past three days?: I walk around my house in my underwear occasionally so yeah technically83 - Will you talk to the person you like tonight?: Most likely84 - You're drunk and yelling at hot people from your car window, who're you with?: Trick question. I would NEVER get that drunk cause most alcohol is nasty, and also, I would NEVER cat call people cause I'm not a fucking asshole85 - If your significant other was into drugs would you care?: If it was weed, nah, I wouldn't care at all. It's harmless (but it'd have to be edibles around me cause I have asthma and I can't be around smoke). If it was any other drug, I would care. All those other drugs are harmful yo. That includes cigarettes86 - What was the most eventful thing that happened to you last time you went to the movies?: I cried at Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 287 - Who was your last received call from?: My mom88 - If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you do it?: Hm. Yes, I would. I'm a broke kid man, and butterflies are probably really flammable, so it'd die super fast hopefully, without too much suffering89 - What is something you wish you had more of?: Money90 - Have you ever trusted someone too much?: Yeah91 - Do you sleep with your window open?: No92 - Do you get along with girls?: ????????????? What does this even mean?????????93 - Are you keeping a secret from someone that needs to know?: No?????94 - Does sex mean love?: Depends on the type of love, I guess95 - You're locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?: Nah. Whether it's Leaf or Andi, it'd be a Chill and Fun time96 - Have you ever kissed someone with a lip ring?: Nah97 - Did you sleep alone this week?: Yeah98 - Everybody has somebody that makes you happy, do you?: Again, A lot of people make me happy. Andi, the McElroy brothers, my friends, my older brother and younger brother. So many99 - Do you believe in love at first sight?: No. I believe in attraction and interest at first sight, but not love100 - Who was the last person that you pinky promise?: I can't remember honestly, it's been so longThanks for the ask, my dude!!!!!!!!

[carlosbriganti74]

BIGFOOT lives, no honest it really does - and here's 10 reasons why

Deciding whether or not to put this feature together was a tough one. Its something which I've had to keep on the low, bar telling a few friends that is. Those who I can just about handle laughing at me for making such a wild claim. But its after 5 months or so of much on-line research (or rather listening to Bigfoot sightings on Youtube podcasts while on smoke breaks at work) that my whole thinking and out look on the world, man and life itself has been turned upside down, big style! Leaving me with no other option but to share my findings and either turn your world upside down too or at least give you and your friends and good laugh, like my mine did. So here it is - Bigfoot really does exist, and the United States Government do not want you at all to know anything about this, never mind talk about it. Below are even more reasons why its time to maybe start believing in the existence of what we know as Bigfoot.

1) Bigfoot History

First of all... what exactly is Bigfoot? The missing link, sub-human or pro-typical primitive primate, who knows?. A popular theory though is that BF is in fact 'Gigantopithecus' . An extinct genus of ape that existed from perhaps nine million years to as recently as one hundred thousand years ago in what is now China, India and Vietnam. Many Scientists claim these human-ape like creatures originated in the Caucasus Mountains/Central Asia, which would explain their easy accessibility to the new world and surviving the Ice-Age by crossing  over the land bridge.

But it was actually the legendary Nordic viking Leif Ericson who wrote down the first recorded sighting of Bigfoot. In which the feared viking chief, who was the first to land in N,America in 986 AD came across Sasquatch and described them as "horribly ugly, hairy, swarthy and with great black eyes". Adding that they were also "loud, foul smelling and towered over his men" scaring the vikings away from their discovery of then new world.

Aside from the rather comical 'Finding Bigfoot' series shown today on US TV where so called 'experts' go 'Squatchin'. Which if anything mocks the whole research around Sasquatch with its daft attempts to lure them out in the open in front of a TV camera crew as they paint the creature as the gentle giant of the forest, which it definitely is not. Sasquatch history in the US in fact goes back many centuries with the native American Indian culture being the most familiar with the being. With their history recording many gruesome tales of their battle to live alongside Sasquatch (the very name Sasquatch comes from native American culture also), even today Indian reservations are sighted still as major BF hotspots. More than that there's a list of old time Bigfoot sightings and incidents which can still be found written up in old United States newspapers, some going back as far as 150 to 200 years ago. But aside from this the research going into finding Bigfoot today is now bigger than ever. Our ability to share information, and more importantly the sightings and experiences of hundreds of every day Americans has very much sparked what is with out doubt the biggest search ever staged in the US to find Sasquatch.

2) Bigfoot Sightings through the Ages

Many sightings come from those who obvisouly spend much time in the woods. Deer hunters probably spend more time in the woods than anybody, so it's no wonder that every year reports of Bigfoot sightings come from hunters as well as hikers and campers. Also in the southern states many sightings have come from the weed growers, who understandedly prefer to keep their experinces to themselves so not to bring attention to why they were in the forests in the first place. But with multitudes of sightings, almost weekly with many sightings give the same defining descriptions as each other. With a foul smelling odour in the forests, howling noises never heard before and the feeling of losing all sense power over themselves. going weak at the knees, unable to speak never mind the ability to run away.

The effects on people who have come across Bigfoot have ranged from people losing control of their bodily fluids to all out panic, some have gone on to go to pieces like one chap from Canada who ended up losing his wife, kids and job, hitting the bottle then sadly committing suicide, though many also go on to become researchers themselves with Bigfoot taking over their whole life's. In terms of the area's BF lives in its now believed that migration roots from Canada down both sides of the US coasts are the main stomping grounds of BF with most sightings happening around the summer months. With the more aggressive Bigfoot species in and around Texas and Louisiana where they have been known many times to of attacked, even kill people who live in the main hotspots of the state. Sasquatch, also known to the people of Texas as 'Buggers' are said to be quite aware of the 'man of the woods' which is believed that if you leave them alone they will you alone. But they're also known to keep it to themselves rarely sharing their experiences with 'outsiders'. An understanding which has stayed the same within southern state folklore since the first pioneers set foot in there around the late 1600's.

3) Video Evidence

Yep, there's a stack of phony so called live videos of Bigfoot out there and most of us have seen them. Many of them nothing more than a joke with some guy in a hairy costume leaving what could be just a handful of films as the read thing, but if one video is in fact the real deal then surely it must exist? So make your own mind up and watch the video below showing some of the more popular and trusted Sasquatch sightings out there today. Including such sightings as the 'Harley Hoffman' and the 'Marble Mountian' video and the 'Minnesota Red', shot in 2011.

Though while there's plenty of video sightings out there on line today there's also meant to be many more video sightings which have never been seen by the public. Some reportedly clear as bell, full of detail showing what looks to be the real thing owned by researchers all around the US. But researchers themselves have become so cautious over releasing video evidence of Sasquatch down the years due to the hassle which has gone hand in hand with releasing such videos.

TOP 28 Bigfoot videos

https://youtu.be/ld7y3R7BW-4

But still classed as the most compelling BF video evidence ever filmed is with out doubt the famous 'Patterson/Gimlin' film of 1967, shot at Bluff Creek/C.A (known as 'Patty' due to the beings visible pair of breasts). A film which has been proven time and time again to be the real by a wide range of experts who claim its walk, bone and muscle structure as well as its length of arms and legs are much different to those of a human being. Making them the main deciding factors why Patty is believed to be the real deal. Its a video today which is still being very much worked on as well talked about, in fact more than ever as the net has given the people their own chance to brake the video down, edit it, blow it up and really study it by coming up with new and clever pieces of evidence all the time. Supporting the fact that the Patterson/Gimlin film is in fact genuine and by far still the most referred to Sasquatch footage ever filmed. While there's plenty of video sightings out there on line today there's also meant to be many more video sightings which have never been seen by the public. Some reportedly clear as bell, full of detail and showing what looks to be totally real thing owned by researchers all around the US. But researchers themselves have become so what cautious over releasing video evidence of Sasquatch down the years due to the hassle which has gone with releasing such videos, resulting in them yet to be released for the world to see. But its until an actual body/specimen is found, or unfortunately killed that the question of 'is it real' stays unanswered.

Patterson/Gimlin film

https://youtu.be/Us6jo8bl2lk

4) Sound

  Apparently many people who have come into contact with Sasquatch become the victims of the creatures massively powerful screams, whaling's, calls and overall presence. Enough to actually vibrate your guts, literally. Which is put down to the fact some people lose the power to flee leaving some of them stationary and totally overwhelmed. Listen to the high quality recorded sounds of Sasquatch on the video above 'top 28 Bigfoot video's' @20:10 mins, Some of those calls are unlike anything you've ever heard before...a sound you'd expect from some sort of 10ft human/primate perhaps. A researcher called Ron Morehaed amazingly caught on tape the sounds of both a supposed male and female Sasquatch actually communicating to each other, apparently arguing with each other. Which is described a 'samuri talk' by researchers it almost sounds like two Russians speaking but speeded up, or something similar. Sent to a speech language expert and found to be natural sounds, in other words not man made or technically created leaving these recordings part of some of the most interesting finds ever made of Bigfoot.

5) Physical Evidence

Rick Dyer's Bigfoot Hoax - Toy Maker Makes Fake Bigfoot Body

With no actual complete speciman ever found the Bigfoot physical evidence is manily made up of footcasts, casts which run into 100's taken from almost every state. Though again not all peices of evidence can be taken as genuine but even if one foot cast is real it would  obviosuly mean Sasquatch really does live. One famous cast, the 'Skookum' cast was said to be off a Sasquatch lying down on a mud bank reaching over to grab some fruit which was left out by researchers. For some time it was held up as one of the finest casts ever taken until it was strongly believed to be fake. Just another example of how far people will go to produce BF evidence. Though no actual bones of Sasquatch have ever been found you've only to ask a hunter who has spent most of the their lives in the woods if they have ever found a bears bones, which is 99% of the time 'no'. Reports also believe that Bigfoot actually take away and bury their dead, something which people who have professed to have shot and killed Bigfoot before have testiefied to. Other evidence includes hair samples which has meant to of been found some years ago in which hi-tech labs could not name the bones actual DNA, though mimicking human and primate DNA looks like nothing thats ever been tested before.

6) US Government

Homeland Security is on the case, and they're not messing around. With many reports, and complaints by US citizens who have made sightings and have then gone on to receive visits from the 'Men in Black'. Who its been claimed that they've even threatened sight seers and reporters of Sasquatch, being repeatedly told in these home visits that 'you didn't see a Bigfoot'. Those who have gone on to make more noise over their sightings have even been either mocked or sternly warned by authorities, some have even gone on to lose their jobs. Though it hasn't stopped some who have given their claims and experiences undercover. Including sightings by FBI officers, soldiers and even state officials who have felt compelled to let their story be known, much to the displeasure of the US authorities. As well as Homeland Security making home calls to people who have dared talk of their experiences, many Bigfoot researchers have also been known to have been not only pulled over but harassed by government officials/federal agents. Being ordered out of national parks and forests with some researchers even arrested and later banned from entering BF hotspots. So why all the fuss? the US Government know whats going on and for some reason are happy to contain it while troubling law abiding visitors to US forests. So if the US government are busy trying to shut BF research down you know somethings got to be going on.

As well as the government interest there's also the issue of the media, who rarely show anything BF on the news despite that is when they are openly mocking the subject as just a farce. So very much like the Kennedy assassination was ignored by the press only for the 'people' to take it on. Its the same story with Sasquatch as its the American people, not the authorities who have researched this subject ever since the Patterson/Gimlin film of the late 60's. And they carry on to do so even more in this age of the Internet where they've collectively made massive steps in the search for Bigfoot within the last 5years.

7) Missing People of the Woods

A very worrying issue indeed, Over 4000 mpeople have disapeared in the last decade in US National Parks and the US Government still refuse to release any information on it at all. Dr David Paulides paints probably the most worrying factor about Sasquatch/Bigfoot which we're aware of today, yet thanks to the US authorities keeping a tight lid of anything Sasquatch related if you haven't done your home work on it you'll of never of heard of the high numbers of missing people who travelling through the US national parks only to disappear into thin air, or so it seems anyway Listen to this talk by Paulides on the work he's done on trying to get to the bottom of one of the US's biggest outdoor mysterys of today.

8) Washington State acknowledges Sasquatch -

In 1975, the US Army Corps of Engineers actually included, and more importantly acknowledged Sasquatch as a unknown species in Washington state. One of Bigfoot's most renowned spots in the U.S.A which has accounted for many latter day sightings of the creature (check the sightings map above). Written up in the 'Washington Environmental Atlas' it made it actually illegal to shoot or kill a Bigfoot as a unknown/unrecognised species. But this acknowledgement infuriated the FBI and refuted their 'verification' of existence, backing-down the Army Environmental Atlas Editor on making such a claim the following year in 1976.

9) Bigfoot murder

Without doubt the most scary and gruesome thing about the whole Bigfoot question are the multiple accounts, stories and official reports of Sasquatch killing visitors to the national parks and forests of the US, its almost like a real life account of your average gory horror flick where the hunter, trekker or .... gets taken off their feet and ripped apart. But this time its all meant to be true, really happening

The reason why the Government are not so much acknowledge Bigfoot/Sasquatch very...1 is that they are actually involved in the breeding of the being, for what?, who know, another is that old issue of money...the effect on the timber industry if Sasquatch was actually confirmed as a living being in the national parks, Federal land and private land of America would mean a mass loss to the US economy due to the most probable outcome of declaring these lands as 'untouchable' and to be left to the Sasquatch to live in. This has been worked out to have an 4% drop in the US economy, mainly hitting the timber trade and the other industries which work alongside it

US wont release records.....David Paulides reports on missing ppl...over 4,000 people have disappeared in US National Parks in last decade. They simply vanished, no trace, no tracks, nothing. Though there have been some that have been found. These are confirmed reports which state some missing people have been found, mostly stuck up in trees...and it gets a lot worse. There are also matching claims that people have been found with their heads twisted all the way round. Yep, sounds like a standard horror flick doesn't it and I for one at the beginning of discovering all of this info was not having one bit. But again these are claims/reports which have been repeated too many times by too many people to be written off as lies.

David Paulides - Missing 411 & Bigfoot DNA

https://youtu.be/CeT2FG88PIM

10) Witness Accounts/Experiences

Something which we can all listen to, think over and come to our own conclusions whether to believe in the hundreds, now probably thousands of accounts and sightings which are made by the average American and are now all over the net, or not. For me personally its these accounts on the podcasts which has turned me on to the whole notion of Bigfoot and its existence...these people sound just too true, sounding either shook up, over-whelmed or just plain mystified for all of them to be making it up. A favourite and trusted source of sightings, information and theories is the 'Sasquatch Chronicles.com' with hosts Woody, Wes and Will, or there's the 'Bigfoot Hotspot Radio' also on Youtube with a quality BF podcast show. Check them out and listen for yourself, because right now there is just too much activity going on whether it be from the US government, activity being caught on tape (now we all have a camera on our phones), the people talking about their own experiences as well as the scientific progress being made with actual unidentified DNA being discovered and strongly believed as belonging to Sasquatch  -

listen to the sighting below which features a delivery driver who accidentally nearly ended up as Bigfoot's supper, obviously still very shaken from his experience its hard not to believe this poor guys account. At the end of the day Sasquatch is either the greatest con of the era of in fact really happening right now, as we speak - you decide...?

,

[lawlightfan42069]

1) im sorry i wasnt clear but what i meant is all headcanons that has to do with personal issue like sexual orientation-will they be good father- good bf or husband should all be treated as headcanons not actual facts. you talk about ur hc like a confirmed facts nd the other side who keep saying shinee are hetero nd will be good bfs also act like its facts. both of sides shouldnt act like what said is canon nd when they see the other hc disrespect nd deny it

2)i didnt say that fans who hv hc that say shinee r queer should shut up i said that fans who say that should talk about their hc freely but at the same time remember that it is not a confirmed facts the same thing goes for who say shinee are hetero and would be good bf these also should be treated as hc not as fact. i never said that queer hc are taboo i just said that i find the fights about shinee sexual orientation, gender nd religion are ridiculous. hc are hc nd all of them should respected

3)while hcs should be respected they all shouldnt be forced on others nd that what i find happening from both sides. about treating shinee as lgbt icons intentionally or not it looks like that nd you say shinee r lgbt icons is stating a fact what fact is that. theres a difference between finding something relatable nd treating that relatable thing as only be done be or stereotyped to a certain type of people. do u understand what am i trying to say here bc i cant really express myself well

i’m just going to copy and paste relevant parts from my first message bc i just feel like it bears repeating. i’ll elaborate on them a bit too. 

anyway i agree that ultimately what people are doing is making. headcanons. ive always agreed w this fact? this is a thing i continually say?? its why im not out there to Objectively Prove that jonghyun is gay or bi or whatever. the reason people respond to statements like ‘no jonghyun is not gay hes a straightie hetero’ with ‘no ur wrong’ bc the first statement is one that is Constantly enforced by society and it just functions as a way 2 shut down queer voices and reassert the heterosexual default present Everywhere. society treats straight as the absolute default. this is why straight “Headcanons” arent treated as well lmao… headcanons. theres rly no reason for anyone out there 2 headcanon something as straight?? when its the Assumed Sexuality in every situation?? tbh the only reason ppl are interested in doing that is Denying that idols might not be straight. doing this when ppl are Forced 2 be straight is gross. theres a difference between queer ppl saying Hey, remember not all idols are straight so lets talk about that and straight ppl being all No! ur wrong! he cant be anything but straight so shut up! these two things are coming from different perspectives.

like. imagine a pie being sliced up. historically, a 100% of this pie has been given to straight people. when queer ppl speak up, theyre trying to take some of their fair share of this pie. saying Hey, queer ppl exist!! is trying to section urself out a piece of the pie when youve been given none. someone saying Nope!! theyre all definitely straight is stealing back the measly slices someone has Actively Fought to obtain and attempting to perpetuate this imbalance.

please note this above thing. nobody is saying that headcanons are objective fact, just that i question the motive of anybody that says something like Um sweaty no jonghyun is straight :). we dont live in societies where ppl are equally assumed to be straight/bi/gay/etc, we live in societies where ppl are Only allowed to be straight. ppl who Go out of their way to assert jonghyun is straight are contributing to a culture of heteronormativity. ppl who make queer headcanons are Not equally shoving these opinions on ppl who assume every idol is straight bc Heteronormativity Exists. society is Constantly shoving straightness down everyones throats and queer ppl speaking out against that is a Response to this. straight ppl repeating that everyone is straight reinforces societal beliefs that are widely held and imposed on everyone its just literally not the same thing. the idea of queer headcanons dont happen in some kind of cultural vacuum. theyre created as a response to constantly being silenced and forced to be straight. take the pie metaphor in account. people who are like Every idol is straight :) do it backed by centuries of enforced heterosexuality and expectations that feed into oppressive social structures that not Only assume every person is straight but force every person to be straight. these are by no means equal things nor are they motivated by similar perspectives.

this next part is also copy and pasted from the first reply bc i Rly think ur missing the point: getting in discussions w ppl who say every idol Must be straight or cis isnt fighting w someone over shinees orientations Specifically, its fighting against the bigotry involved in this line of thinking. arguing w ppl who say “___ Msut be cishet” is not saying “_____ must not be cishet” its saying to question what motivates ppl to say the first thing. its not really About shinee exclusively bc its applicable to every single idol, and tbh every single person. its a discussion larger than any one particular person. i think this is an aspect that a lot of ppl miss. 

when ppl argue against statements like ‘jonghyun can only be straight sweaty :)’ they Aren’t arguing about jonghyuns orientation specifically theyre arguing against what led people to think like that. theyre arguing against the heteronormativity + unawareness of the closet that leads ppl to say the first statement. it is not about shinee Exclusively. when you dismiss these arguments are ‘just fighting about shinees sexualities :\’ ur honestly missing the point? ppl arent focusing on shinees orientations, theyre focusing on the uninformed ways of thinking that drew people to these conclusions. 

also i dont know if u just misread or youre purposefully misunderstanding me but “shinee r lgbt icons is stating a fact what fact is that” I Literally Said The Opposite Of That. i said that saying that shinee might be lgbtq is stating a fact. not that they are lgbtq icons (and i roll my eyes at ppl who say things like jonghyun King of the Gays! or whatever). Just Saying that someone might be lgbtq is not saying theyre a lgbtq icon unless u think being lgbtq is inherently being a lgbtq icon?? which is silly. lgbtq ppl can Exist and not be lgbtq icons lmfao. it Is literally stating a fact that shinee might be lgbtq and thats indisputable.

[crimsxnrebellion-blog]

So, I’m gonna be dumb for a bit and just...literal word vomit for a bit. Stress, depression, and general anxiety have kicked in harder than hell this past week and I need an outlet. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it so this is what’s happening so maybe I won’t worry people? And if you do read this (I expect no one will, and I don’t expect anyone to because I’m just going to come off as a whiny little shit) you have no reason to worry. I’m stable now. In a midzone of numbness with an edge of all the bad junk that comes out once in a while. I just need to work through some stuff. I’ll relate it to my blog in this way: activity is going to be garbage, even though I have like one thread going here and a few on discord.

So I guess I’ll start with what I know is a trigger for all this bad juju: my job. Yeah, everyone hates their job. Why don’t you just quit? Why don’t you get a new job? (BTW asking me any question like this or variation does not help, and I can’t imagine it helps anyone else in a similar situation either, just saiyan) The short answer to those questions right now is that I’m going on a cruise at the end of the year, and I hate to get a job and be like, “Hey, I need a week and some odd days off in December, that cool?” right off the bat.

As many of you know, I work in retail. Customer service in retail. For seven years now. And it is just the most soul sucking and depressing job I think I could have. Like...my coworkers don’t even make it worthwhile any more. I go to work and I just feel like absolute dogshit. And, when I don’t, someone, whether it’s an entitled customer or management, just ruins any semblance of a good mood I had. The place just makes me feel worthless. The work is unfulfilling. Now that I work more hours, I make enough money but...ugh. The money isn’t worth it. The money isn’t worth feeling this way every day. It’s not worth the long hours, the weird hours, the leniency on needing days off...This shit isn’t worth my sanity and my life but I feel trapped right now. It’s so hard to be patient. 

I wish I could quit and just spend my days writing but I can’t do that. My dad is retiring at the end of the year and, since I’m living with them at the moment, I pay them some money for rent and help with groceries. And it isn’t a lot, but it helps them out with their bills and I should pay them to live here. I’m twenty five; there’s not reason I should expect them to take care of me. I don’t want them to, even if they would to an extent. I just need to hold out a little longer...deal with the bullshit for a few more months...

Next item is...a little harder to talk about. Like even to myself. Tried with my brother but talking to him is hard even though he can most relate to what I’m going through (depression and anxiety wise).

I’m not a lovey dovey person. Like I’ve suspected that I’m aromantic and just...incapable of loving someone. But I knew that wasn’t true because I was...am in love with someone. Well, why don’t you tell them, Momo? Let them know how you feel? Shit, I’d give this advice, and I wish I had ages ago. I’m kicking myself so hard, and I just feel stupid. I was too slow because I was coward. I was scared to be rejected. I was scared to ruin the friendship I had built with them over the years, easily one of the best friends I have, even though it’s long distance. 

So that story...it’s not hard to guess after this outpouring. I’ve been friends with this person for years (like 5 or 6? I’m not sure). Started out as a crush but developed into more as time went on. Typical shit. Thing is...I never told her because I was sure she wasn’t into other women. I thought she was straight and would never date me. The long distance didn’t help for her either, I don’t think. At least, that’s what I had gleaned from all of our conversations. So, that helped keep my blossoming emotions in check: 1. she’s not into girls, 2. she doesn’t like long distance, and 3. don’t fuck up a friendship that you would absolutely hate to lose because you already know you hate when you don’t talk to her for even a day. How somehow you miss her even though you’ve never officially gotten a chance to meet. It seems so dumb because I doubt she thinks that but...fuck, here I am.

As expected, she got a boyfriend. Which is great, don’t get me wrong. I was happy she found someone. After all the shit she has been through, she deserves a good relationship with someone who treats her right and makes her happy. I want her to be happy, most of all. He seems like a good guy, save for a few things that have happened but that’s a relationship for you; there are going to be ups and downs. For a while, my Three Reasons held up with jealousy popping it’s ugly head in every once in a while. I also had school and ex roommate drama to distract me, so that helped.

It wasn’t until there was a mention of her thinking he MIGHT MIGHT propose that I just...broke. I told her that’s exciting, and if it DID happen I would be happy for her but...I don’t remember what all was said but she sensed that I just shut down, that I was fleeing into myself because I had zero chance with her left. No matter how many times I whispered to myself that she would never love me like I did her anyway, that it would never happen anyway...it tore me up inside. I have a feeling she had figured it out before this...that when we said I love you to each other, mine didn’t mean quite the same thing her’s did. And she called me out on it. I admitted to it, late as I was to the party. 

And then it was the most bittersweet moment when she told me if she wasn’t with her bf, she would probably give dating me a shot. My heart soared but felt heavy. My chest tight and of course I was still crying. For once, it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough for someone. It was because I didn’t say anything. I didn’t tell them how I felt, and somehow, that felt worse than not being enough. Even as I write this, I can’t decide if I’m sad or angry at myself.

And I feel so gross thinking any of this because she is happy. For the past week I’ve been trying to shut it all out again, especially because she has enough on her plate without worrying about me being sad. I hate that this part of me exists. That it keeps me from being 100% fully happy for her in this situation. That a tiny, minuscule, disgusting .05% part of my nature is hoping it won’t work out. And it’s so so so so so so so gross and it makes me sick that it’s a reality, and pushing it off as human nature and just hurting or being in love doesn’t make me hate myself less for even that tiny bit that feels that way.

There was a part of me that night that said I should just...stop talking to her, there were moments before. Once where I offered it because her bf didn’t like us talking, and I didn’t want to wreck their relationship. But I couldn’t stand the thought of losing my best friend because I’m dumb and caught feelings. And we still talk obvs; her finding out (or vocalizing that she knew) didn’t disgust her, thankfully. And, after my mental breakdown early this week (only partially related to this whole thing; an episode at work with a customer like SUPER LYING about an interaction I had with them and my manager seeming to take their side over mine plus coming home and accidentally hurting my mom’s dog’s leg and she yelled cuz she was worried and not mad at me but my emotions just exploded anyway, I threw my phone, and left for an hour or two, ugly crying in my car as I drove). But she helped me come out of that...out of this state of absolute emotional turmoil that I can barely remember super clearly. 

(btw if you read this bebe I’m not mad at you in any way, shape, or form and I don’t want you to worry about me. Like I said...this is just me word vomitting. Working through all of my fucked up feels. You focus on you ok?)

So that brings me to that mental breakdown cuz wow. I haven’t had a REALLY bad one like that in a while. And it was a lot of things building up. Fear of the future. Will going back to school pay off. Would I ever be able to quit this fucking job that is killing me. Just feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless in general for so long. And I think it all just festered up and welled over until I finally just...broke. Completely broke. And it was scary. I wanted to die. I wasn’t at a point of hurting myself or killing myself but...there were a few moments where I wanted it all to end. But yeah...it’s...been awhile since I’ve gotten that low, and I’m not sure I’ve fully recovered? Like I should probably get help but...I dunno. 

wow. This got long. I feel liek I have more to work through but eh. I’m getting sleepy and just ugh. Plus I have work at 5:30 am ;-;. So me @ me is saying go to bed. should probably keep a journal for shit liek this cuz I think this helped some. Just to word vomit....