#literally my whole issue and part of why my anxiety gets so bad is because I don't trust myself

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

this whole fear of repressed memories regarding sexual abuse has been following me around for years, probably since I became aware of memory loss/repressed trauma in the first place, but idk why it's been so intense this summer and it's really really frustrating how every time I think I've worked through it and gotten over it, I see a picture or someone says something and I'm all "I'M SCARED THAT THIS FAMILY MEMBER RAPED ME AS A KID AND I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT" and like. it's so frustrating because it's literally a symptom of OCD or whatever that I can't stop going over and over and over this, and it's driving me nuts that I can't seem to trust my own mind

[darkurgetrash]

Get to Know Me Tag ~

Hiya! I got tagged in a few different 'get to know me' tags so I thought I'd just combine them here, hehe. Thank you so so much to @dutifullylazybread @weaveandwood @orangekittyenergy and @blackstaff-blast — I really love these tags, both answering and reading others'. What can I say? I'm a gemini.

No pressure tags! ~ @lemonsrosesandlavender @savriea @graysparrowao3 @heytheresunflower

Do you make your bed?: Yes! I'm not a neat-freak, but I consider myself quite neat

Favourite number: When I was a young child someone asked me this and I didn't know what to say so I pretended it was '86'. Since then, that's always just been what I've said… couldn't tell you why lol

What's your job?: Between roles atm, but usually a copywriter

If you could go back to school, would you?: For sure. I was really let down as a kid by the system, if I could go back but with the wisdom I have now, I would love to. As for further education, I loved my undergrad but I can't see myself realistically studying more on account of chronic illnesses

Can you parallel park / Can you drive a manual car?: Nope. I was good at parking and driving back when I was first learning over 10 years ago but never took my test because I got a lot of anxiety driving. I live in London now, so there's no urgent need to learn, but I will have to some day.

Do you think aliens are real?: Yes. Ain't no way we're the only life forms to exist in the whole universe, pleaseee

What's your guilty pleasure?: I love Britney Spears 💁‍♀️

Tattoos?: A small one, on my ankle. Two hands in a reference to Twin Peaks. I also just love the design — even if my tattoo artist did a slightly shoddy job and told me they did the exact same reference on tonnes of people ayyy lmao

Favourite type of music?: Easy answer is indie, though even that is a huuuuge umbrella. Some of my fave musicians are Mitski, Bright Eyes, AURORA, Radiohead, EELS, and Thumpasaurus. Also, a long-time MCR fan.

Do you like puzzles?: I'm wayyy too ADHD for them tbh but I don't mind some types of puzzles, like in video games. But even then, they can't go on for too long, lol

Any phobias?: Crowds are def my biggest one. I’m scared of pretty normal things I’d say, like hornets. I do have a lot of sensory issues though that give a similar feeling, the most unusual being cardboard. Do NOT touch it near me, I WILL scream. And slight trypophobia… 🤢

Favourite childhood sport: Always hated sports and exercise, even as a kid

Do you talk to yourself: I sing to myself (and in general) a lot and have big echolalia, but I don't really talk to myself in the traditional sense. Now my partner on the other hand… he does not stop yapping for even a second in the day.

What movie(s) do you adore?: The immediate go-to's in my brain are The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Pride and Prejudice (2005), Your Name, and… Shrek. Non-ironically.

Coffee or tea: Earl grey tea with oat milk, please! If not an option, I'll go for an oat milk mocha.

First thing you wanted to be growing up?: I… okay. I don't even know if I should admit this, but it's kinda funny… but remember, I was a CHILD. like, FIVE. My sister wanted to move to Africa and be a mango farmer (???) and I wanted to go with her so I said I wanted to sell shoes there because I saw a gap in the market. 😭😭

Last song I listened to: No You Girls - Franz Ferdinand

Favourite colour: Lavender

Favourite flavour: Depends on what it is, but most likely either chocolate or strawberry

Current obsession: BG3, if y'all couldn't guess. 😂

Last thing I googled: 'Sacrum'. Girly doesn’t know what body parts are called.

Favourite season: Late autumn

Skill I'd like to learn: I'd looove to be able to sew and make clothes but I am the most cack-handed person you will ever meet. I literally got kicked out of textiles class when I was in school because I was so bad they thought I was messing about on purpose 😬…

Best advice: Be cringe, be free. People will either not care or think you're cool for your authenticity.

Currently watching: I don't really watch TV! Still getting through Dungeon Meshi, lol

Currently reading: I've been trying to read 'Interview with a Vampire' since the start of the year, but my brain only has room for BG3 fanfic it would seem… SO, here's a list of my current bookmarks hehe. Special shout-outs to @lemonsrosesandlavender @crystal-overdrive @ghostcouncil @weaveandwood @sinelaborenihilsr2 @dutifullylazybread @notlikeparis

Relationship status: Been in a relationship since 2016! Also, taken by Gale Dekarios in my head. 💜

Sweet/savoury/spicy: Big, BIG sweet tooth.

[ripplestitchskein]

Where do you see Stolitz being at the end of the season? I don’t know how much heartbreak I can take.

Oooh Nonnie I’d prepare for some ANGST but there’s nothing in the text to indicate it’s the bad kind imo. I feel confident that it’s gonna be that good productive angst that gets us places we wanna go, that we’ll flail about and be heartbroken about but not that Game of Thrones style pointless nihilist angst that is just for shock value or because the creators wanted a cliffhanger or a twist.

One of the things I find comforting about this show is the people making it are very much a part of fandom rather than corporate studios using general audience analytics or creators who are just there for a paycheck. The creative team of this show genuinely seems to care about these characters. I have a lot of anxiety about my hyperfixation ships so I feel you on the worry but it would be a huge waste of time and incredibly unsatisfying for the audience to change directions midstream. And the beauty of a cartoon is that even if the actors leave or people change out from the creative team as long as there is money and a drive to make it they aren’t beholden to the same logistics issues as a live action.

From a storytelling perspective it doesn’t make sense to reverse course and break them up forever. I’m not writing the show so I can’t tell you with 100% certainty but there are too many threads intricately knotted together and if they cut this relationship out the whole fucking show unravels. I’ve always said Stolas and Blitzo’s relationship was central in the first two episodes of the show, Stolas is how IMP does business, the 2nd episode was literally all about Stolas’s family drama and the show is about Blitz so it would take a lot of work to stop this train and still leave your audience satisfied at the end. Work that it doesn’t make sense to do. This is not a fanservice thing, like Stolitz is too popular or something like that, but a storytelling thing. It’s such a huge part of the show they can’t drop it in a way that wouldn’t drive the audience away, even casual viewers. And being an indie production they have to be very deliberate and careful with their choices, they don’t have the capital to be doing like two sample hypothesis testing with the story or trying out different threads. It’s just not feasible.

If the trailer did anything it was reinforce every assumption or speculation I’ve made, like I got so much dopamine from that fucking trailer. And all the speculation lines up perfectly with my episode deep dives and how I, as a writer and creative, understand the structure and narrative choices being shown. And I am SO PUMPED ABOUT WHERE THIS TRAIN IS HEADING. It’s gonna hurt but in the best way I think.

To answer your question, as far as the end of this season I am of two minds. Either Stolas and Blitz make the decision to start a relationship in S2 and S3 is them working through it during whatever trials and tribulations they are undergoing.

Or they are not together but we get a lot of delicious pining through S3 where they finally get together together and S4 is the working through the relationship season.

How I think it’s going to play out after a few days of rearranging things in my head:

Blitzø and Stolas are both excited and anxious about their upcoming rendezvous. Blitzø is doing sexy date prep and seeking advice from his bestie on sex toys. Stolas is drowning in anxiety.

Blitzø fucks up. Either he says something hurtful or embarrasses Stolas in some way, either about his royal duties or Octavia. I theorize that the issue with the Full Moon is Stolas’s fault and Vassago is the character who will bring that to his attention. Might possibly comfort him. Andrelphus and Stella are going to take advantage of the situation.

Blitzø tries to take it back, that’s why he’s reaching out but he’s denied.

In Apology Tour Blitzø tries to get back to their casual “If I ignore it it’s fine” status quo but Stolas is not having it. That’s the garden conversation where he’s serving so much cunt.

Stolas either defends Blitzø with his song at Verosika’s tour or it’s so heartbreaking Blitzø has no way to hide from it anymore. I also think Versoika herself will point out that Blitzø is treating Stolas quite a bit differently than he did her which also keeps him from shoving his feelings down.

I think at the end of this episode Stolas calls things off but Blitzo is now aware of how Stolas feels and how he feels. He is not ready to act on it yet.

Ghostfuckers I think will be primarily Millie and Blitzø. Blitzø will probably have to confront how he was when they first met, and other things like his mother and Barbie.

Mastermind is probably the CHERUB/DHORKS episode. I still think it’s probably a gag tbh. Like the actual episode is not about them at all because in my mind they are the Sir Pentious of HB. Like they believe they are this big bad but they just kind of fail and disappear and keep coming back as a running annoyance. I kind of think the real threat is maybe Satan or Andrelphus/Stella.

In one of three episodes, or at the end of Apology Tour something happens to Stolas. He is taken out of commission in some way. He loses his job, he is absent. I don’t think it will be his fault.

I think this will come into play in Sinsmas, which maybe very much like Seeing Stars where maybe Stolas promised Octavia something for the holiday or they had a tradition and he misses it because of being out of commission. She finds him with Blitzø who is rescuing him from Andrelphus. I kind of think Vassago will help him or tip him off that Stolas is in trouble. Octavia is mad and lashes out. That conflict I see going into S3.

Blitzø needs proof that he doesn’t fuck up people’s lives and right now the person who’s life is in the biggest shambles because of Blitzø (not like because of him but their involvement, you know what I’m saying) is Stolas. He’s divorcing, he might lose his job, his daughter is going to be pissed at him. Stolas will have literally nothing because of their dalliance. So either way I see no way that the breakup is permanent.

If they breakup for good that reinforces Blitzo’s fear he fucks up people’s lives. There’s no resolution to that conflict. Moxxie and Millie don’t have a lot of life problems related to Blitzø tbh, he’s creepy about their relationship but it doesn’t cause them strife only annoyance. Loona is fine too right now. Fizz and he have started reconciliation and Fizz out right told him he was doing well. Verosika is pissed and still a drunk last we see her but her career is taking off.

By having Stolas break up forever only reinforces the idea that you don’t get a second chance at love for Stolas (or a first chance), and says “Yeah, Stolas IS better off without him” and I doubt that’s the story they want to tell lol. On Stolas’s side it would be all kinds of fucked up to imply that parents can’t have romantic relationships because their kids are mad about it imo. That his only option as a loveless arranged marriage and continuing to lie to himself and the world. Like a child should be priority but parents are also fully formed humans with lives outside of their children and it’s not great to have a child throw a fit and the parent be like “Oh okay, guess I’ll just be alone cause my teenage daughter is sulky”.

Like the issues they’ve set up can only be resolved satisfactorily one way at this point, at least in my opinion. Whether that happens in S2 or later in S3 I still very firmly believe it will be a focus and we’ll get lots of little moments.

[weirdestcornelius]

I hate how CC is presented to be a happier AU of SCH when the kids aren't very happy. One example nobody talks about is Marco, he's obviously stressed about having to deal with his giant family everyday. A child being parentified at a young age can be very traumatizing, especially with so many siblings you have to take care of. I've been parentified by my parents and that resulted in very bad anxiety, depression, and family stress. I know Marco isn't the only one struggling in the family, but his situation is the least talked about. But maybe I'm so fixated on his situation because I relate to him so much ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- 🦝

I agree with you so much. The CC family is so royally fucked up it's insane.

Marco's trauma is completely ignored even though it's been stated that he feels like his childhood was robbed from him. I can relate to him on so many levels and it makes me angry when it's swept under the rug; especially because that's the exact thing that usually happens to these issues in real life. People tend to say "it's not REAL trauma, you don't have a right to be angry at your parents for needing help". Marco feels like he can't be mad at his parents. I want to see an arc where he just stops fucking caring and goes off on his parents for what they did to him. It would be refreshing to see a character be angry without it being a gateway into another ship.

I feel like Ally is also an example of how bad the main four are as parents; kit gets angry at and yells at her siblings, has temper tantrums, and NOBODY does ANYTHING about it. Anger issues are fine, but honestly Ally is a grownup in the comic and I thought kit was a teen with the way kit acts. It's been stated that Ally has autism but honestly? That's still not an excuse to act like that. It would make sense if she was younger, but kit is GROWN. So obviously the parents haven't tried to do anything to try and correct this behavior if Ally is a grown adult and still gets set off at small comments from her siblings who are still KIDS.

The same goes for Eve. Eve constantly makes fun of Sly for literally everything. Eve makes fun of fen to the point that squeak reminds me of bullies I've had before, which is why I literally can't STAND her as a character. I know people may attack me for this saying "But Eve is Kc's self insert!!!! You can't say you hate squeak!!!" but I really don't care. I don't HAVE to like a character that is constantly bullying the one character I can instantly see myself in. The most fucked up part of this is that the main four don't CARE. They tell Eve not to be so mean, but they do literally nothing about it in the long run.

I've been emotionally abused by people before and I can tell you that this is what it looks like, especially in large families. We're supposed to see the main four and think "Awww, they're parents now! That's so sweet!" which would be the case if they actually took care of their own kids. Emotional abuse and neglect runs absolutely rampant in the CC household but we're supposed to see it as the "comfort au". This isn't comforting.

At this point I really only read CC to see Marco, Sly, Cream and Levi. I'm also hoping we'll eventually find out what happened to Cuddles cause if I'm being honest the whole cover-up is one of the only things interesting to me in CC.

[skaruresonic]

The idw discourse is so bad, I feel caught in the middle because each time I express how bad the storytelling is, in a new issue or how off model the characters are drawn, idw fans gang up on me. But on the other hand I don't want to be associated with the people who think think it's funny to tweet how Flynn should die or make weird assumptions about Stanley being a bad person ? Like that's weird and cruel. Hate their work not them as people.

I just decided to pretend the comic doesn't exist and it helps lol.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Idk if anyone else will tell you that, but I will, because I know how much it sucks.

One time, I saw a guy on Twitter blame us for his inability to criticize the book in what he believed was a much more "balanced" manner without getting harassed by people.

Digest that for a moment. It's our fault for other people's reaction to us. And instead of rubbing his brain cells together for a moment and questioning the reasons why this knee-jerk reaction occurs, or even reflecting on the fact that it occurs at all and perhaps realizing that the call is coming from inside the house, he fell back on old biases and decided it was the haters who were wrong.

The mental gymnastics on display here are unreal.

In this case, I think people are stumbling into the usual fallacious trap of assuming both sides carry equal weight, and thus believe that defaulting to a position of "neutrality" makes them morally superior somehow.

That's kind of what I hate about this fandom - the utter superciliousness. The rotten shit we as a fandom get up to (and no, being a little snarky in a reblog does not count as harassment) while proclaiming love and light uwu. Be nice to everyone, except those freaks over there.

"Neutrality" is in scare quotes here because it's not true neutrality, but a way of posturing to the in-group that you're not Like Us. As demonstrated by my Twitter-user anecdote, people around here don't want to say anything hater-flavored because it risks intense ostracization. That's why you have people jumping down your throat for presenting even mild criticisms. It'd be pathetic if it weren't so annoying.

I'm not talking about people who let well enough alone. I'm talking about centrists who sneer "both sides are bad," as if by distancing themselves from the situation in a smug manner, they're declaring themselves more enlightened than the rest of us.

Honestly, the other side should be just as insulted, but they're not, because this attitude only helps them in the long run.

In reality, this is more like the fishhook situation centrists have with antis vs. proshippers. Saying "this whole thing is stupid" really only benefits antis because they now have grounds to reply, "Yes, this IS stupid, don't you think proshippers are crazy for being upset at something so trivial?" while conveniently omitting the part where antis routinely send proshippers death threats and other heinous material.

Look at it from this angle: the most concrete harm I have seen their side say they've suffered is a deep discomfort and estrangement from the book. Which, yeah. That sucks. But it's also kinda on you to just click away if it makes you uncomfortable.

On the other hand, I have had legitimate crying fits because of horrible messages I received and have told people multiple times about the anon who mocked my recently-deceased mom. Which, unlike clicking away from a blog, I had no choice but to see sometimes because I was still naive enough to believe people would behave themselves in my inbox. In fact, a mutual were recently discussing our anxieties over retaliation should IDW be cancelled. There's stuff about this that you just don't want to think about because dwelling on it will freak you out.

"Both sides are bad" stings, especially in light of knowing the measures I have taken to walk on eggshells and draw proper boundaries. I literally cannot know if someone in this fandom will consider my explanations harassment and dogpiling, so I try not to reblog with commentary. On the reblogging site.

Reflect on how fucked-up that is, to feel uncomfortable adding a tag to someone's fanart because you're worried they might realize you're One of Them(tm) and shun you on that basis alone.

I won't sit here and say I've always been perfect in my conduct, but at the same time, it's just the infuriating experience of double standards all the way down. Somehow it never occurs to them that if I held them to the same standard they hold me, I could call them all out on intellectual dishonesty for refusing to engage with any of our points no matter how calmly or clearly stated because "lol ur just a hater," and tar them with the same brush as those who sent me death threats.

But ofc, things don't work out like that in the calculus of Le Sonic Discourse. It's just a rotten experience to the core.

[sobeksewerrat]

✨and🏳️‍🌈 with Hazbin for the ask game

(Also do I have permission to rant about Alastor to you. I hate that fucker so much.)

(yes you do. Please do it actually)

Note: added the cut cos I ended up yapping

✨what draws you towards your hyperfixation? what is interesting about it?

Tough one. Honestly part of it is that I cannot control my AuDHD and part of it is that it has a lot of potential and possible ideas?? I find myself to be more attached to media I can play around with, only God knows how many TMF fanfics, wips and AUs I used to have, and Hazbin is perfect for that.

Besides, I would consider myself to be religious and I'm quite interested in stories based on mythology and religion, and the core concept of Hazbin intrigued me as a Muslim (funfact! In Islam hell is temporary for most people iirc LMFAO). Also, what better way to explore my religious trauma?!

And it's chock-full of potentially interesting characters and dynamics that go unexplored, so that ties back into the first point.

And last but not least, I tend to be a fan of objectively bad and/or very controversial stuff (*coughs* danganronpa, mlb, Jeff the killer-)

I could yap forever about my love-hate relationship with Hazbin but I think I should stop here for now.

🏳️‍🌈do you have any headcanons (lgbt, race, neuro, etc) that are important to you?

YES!! TOO MANY ACTUALLY!!! Here are some of my faves :3

Adam is SWANA, mostly projecting but all abrahamic religions originated from the SWANA region soooo (obviously the term SWANA and the region prolly didn't exist when Adam was first created but shush) And my Eve is black BTW!

Transmasc Adam!! This headcannon is so, so important to me. So important I created multiple AUs with lore documents about it. I could write an essay about why I headcannon him as that. Multiple, actually.

Albino Lute!! I hc they're SWANA too (and Heavenborn, don't ask how, idk either) , but they have albinism (her natural eye colour is very light blue, they wear gold contacts).

NONBINARY LUTE WITH SHE/THEY PRONOUNS ‼‼‼

the exorcists, mainly Lute n Vaggie, as Adam's daughters (biologically or otherwise)!! I can't live without that headcannon and I'm so fucking upset there's not enough content about it out there

Autistic Lute and Cain (my oc at least). They inherited it from Adam. And Eve has anxiety, we've established that. She also has OCD. Trust me. And ADHD Abel. And Vaggie with PTSD (they all have it but her especially

AroAce Charlie and Angel Dust!! Ik they're bi and gay respectively, but who says they can't be both?

AroAce Lesbian Lute too.

Asexual Adam!! I already wrote an essay as to why I hc that but since then the hc expanded and I can write a better, updated one. Won't be as lengthy as my hypothetical trans Adam one, but still full of yapping. 

Adam wears his mask not out of insecurity (for the most part) or protection (that thing is LED, it ain't protective) but because he was recognised by one of his children during the first Extermination (even though he had already transitioned by then). Let's just say that didn't turn out well, and Adam was unresponsive for days. 

Adam is genuinely afraid of most things, even silly stuff to us like the dark. Because even though us modern people have the privilege of artificial lights, not living in the wild, medicine, etc.- he didn't. He was literally a caveman. A fever could kill anyone in his family. The night meant being at risk of being eaten. Water can and will kill you because of the bazillion bacteria inside. Winter meant death if you didn't have a fire going 24/7 or covered yourself up with anything. But, he hides his fears because he thinks they're fucking embarrassing (even though it's very clearly untreated trauma)

Adam loves his kids, truly. He fucked up A LOT (killed thousands of them and the whole Vaggie situation), but that doesn't mean he hates them.he just learned not to get attached to them. 

ADAM ‼ HAS ‼ ABANDONMENT ‼ ISSUES‼

Adam lowkey feels he doesn't deserve his spot in Heaven.

I literally came up with this like an hour or two ago with @an-theduckin but Adam actually did believe in redemption once and tried to advocate for it. Till he didn't. Wonder why that is 👀 (got a fic idea I won't finish. Dw abt it)

Adam gaining weight as a form of healing‼ I imagine he was deathly skinny on Earth due to food insecurity, and even though he improved after they invented agriculture and got better at hunting, he was still clearly unhealthy (and popping out the entire human population at the time didn't help). And also he just likes his appearance this way (fuck you Lucifer and your stupid fat joke)

ADAM LOVED HIS WIFE!!! SHE LOVED HIM TOO!!! OH MY GOD GUYS PLEASE GET IT RIGHT.

In a perfect world, Adam would've been Charlie's uncle/father figure. 

Lute and Vaggie cared about each other, things just kind of…well, yk how it ended. Lute has immense amounts of guilt over the whole situation, but they'll never admit it. Especially not after Vaggie started being involved the Lucifer's fucking daughter. 

Adam's secretly a feminist. I'm not even gonna elaborate, figure out my reasoning yourself. 

Vaggie grieved Adam and her fallen sisters after they died in the finale. Of course, she'll never admit it. (I HAVE A FIC WIP ABOUT THIS I HOPE TO FINISH SOMEDAY!!)

Gamer and Fandom kid Lute. This hc means so so much to me! I originally stole it from @bluexjayy ! They're really into cringey fandoms too (mainly danganronpa, FNAF, undertale and the creepypasta fandom- probably mlp too). Secretly writes fanfiction.

I have SO MANY hcs for Stan and I's Cain, Abel and Eve but I doubt anybody wants to hear them sooo

Redhead Lilith. It was ginger in Eden, turned blood red when she became a sinner. She dyes it blonde.

Annnddddd I think I should stop now oh my god I'm so sorry for yapping again Thanks for the ask though!! Please feel free to rant about Alastor.

[thisisadonaldduckblognow]

yes a thousand percent absolutely lets go

(firstly i am sorry my post put anyone to a point of feeling the need to apologize for or feel bad for being Very Into Leo’s character. as someone who is flagrantly Very Into Raph’s character, i promise i wasn’t trying to throw a stone in this glass house. i’ve gotten burnt out on a lot of fanon leo stuff but part of why im so !!!! about it is bc i too love leo’s characterization and potential.. i swear

catch me catching my brain and tone malfunctions behind dennys later, sorry again gang)

BUT YE I’LL TALK ABOUT MOVIE RAPH STUFF TO MY BEST CAPACITY ALL DAY

overall i honestly... totally get raph being hard to get a handle on in this respect. like it’s pretty difficult to pick where to start and how to express it even just in an informal tumblr analysis post, i still haven’t managed to put together any kind of fic myself LMAO. bear with me i will do my best!

so firstly there’s just the veritable gauntlet of “stuff raph experienced/was dealing with in the span of the movie” to consider, i think. 

- his fear and anxiety over his family’s safety, for which he always always feels personally responsible. when he called the retreat during that first fight with the krang, he was absolutely terrified-- and i can only imagine how much scarier it was after leo bailed on the escape pod. like, there’s no way raph was not hauling ass after leo the second he saw that happen.

= he takes a hit for leo, as in just barely stops it and loses a chunk of shell/plastron in the process. he sacrifices himself using his pod to get leo out of there safely (and there’s so much to be said about the fact that raph’s pod seems to be the only one that didn’t auto-activate. that only he and donnie seemed to know they even existed. there’s a whole talk they must have had right there, like raph would probably have had to ask specifically for this feature.)

- the krang try to intimidate answers out of him about the key, and when that doesn’t get them those answers, prime literally jams tentacles into his brain and roots around until he can find what they’re looking for. so that’s one bullet point on the list for outright mental violation. it looks/sounds very painful, not to mention terrifying. 

^^ and honestly, this point of suffering in particular is one that i think would be hardest for raph to actually bring up/talk about with his family. because none of them were there. none of them KNOW. and how do you explain that to them? how do you try to make yourself break that out when they’re already worried about the other stuff that happened to you and to everyone else? when part of you is guilty about it despite yourself, because so much of your identity is tied into being a protector that you can’t help but feel like you should have been able to wall that info off somehow and keep your family safe?

- gets infected by the krang and put into the big gross pod to... incubate, i guess? there’s so much unanswered about the point between brain torture and getting found by his family tbh. was he conscious and aware of being left alone in there? was that why he was so out of it even before the mutation?

- and then of course there’s said painful, grotesque body horror forced krang mutation that he has to go through once he’s out of the pod! thanks i hated it! like it seriously looks so gross and painful.

- ah yes and the mind control... being used as a tool and a puppet and specifically set out to hurt or even kill the family he loves and wants to protect. 

- the standard “we had our cool epic boss fight against the evil alien but he kicked our asses with one flick and then punched mikey and donnie all the way to staten island” physical roughage, too. leo portaled him after mikey and donnie so he could catch them. donnie took the brunt of the krang punch, and raph took the brunt of the hard landing (he is holding his side like he might have some rib issues, they all look rough af down there phew)

- leo’s sacrifice is leo’s sacrifice and definitely a leo development moment as an action itself, i’m never gonna say 'yep here’s how leo getting brutalized in prison dimension is all about raph’. i’m talking about the like, aftermath and pre-rescue emotional toll that that has etc etc etc. ftr.

point one there is obviously just the grief. like, raph is literally incapable of standing when it hits. he’s on all fours, he can’t open his eyes. i made a post comparing the caps of raph’s face getting stabbed and raph’s face when it was sinking in that leo was (apparently) Gone gone bc the expressions are nearly identical. like just. absolute agony. 

- and on top of that, i sincerely think that leo’s “you’re one to talk, hero moves are totally your thing” apparent last words are gonna stick with raph for a very long time. even after they save leo. the look on his face after leo says that... man. i think there’s a very real moment of raph going what have i done, what did i teach him? about the entire situation.

the way this is already tl;dr oh well SO IG SOME OF MY GENERAL TAKEAWAYS AND THINGS I THINK ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO POST-MOVIE RAPH:

first and foremost. rip raph sufferer of some of the most intense eldest child syndrome i’ve ever seen. he feels bad that he got used to get his family’s location. he feels bad that he got used to harm and nearly kill his family. he probably feels bad that leo feels bad that his shell is damaged, smh. it’s guilt all the way down. the kind where he knows logically his family does not want or need apologies, that getting controlled was literally not his fault, but he feels bad anyway.

and like i said i get how it’s hard to get a handle on him for stuff, because raph is also... not super good at the emotional vulnerability sharing? it’s so wild because he’s very openly emotional and easy to read! he’ll cry during a sad movie scene and yell at a frustrating video game no problem, he’s very straightforward! but when it comes to sincere vulnerability and actually seeking comfort/closure about it, he has a big struggle vibe. good luck to the entire family bc every single brother is gonna be in a “oh but everyone else already has so much to deal with i don’t wanna pile more on with my problems” zone, i think. 

also just like. raph is a protector. that’s one of the core pillars of his sense of identity and worth. he takes care of his brothers. he keeps his family safe. and so so so much of what he went through or experienced in the movie went directly against that. raph, the big brother, the beating heart of the team, the one who takes hits, the overprotective mother hen, gets used to track down his family, and then gets used to hurt them. very nearly gets used to kill leo outright. isn’t there to take the hit for leo again at the end of the movie, is helpless as his little brother seemingly sacrifices his life to save them and the world. how does he come to terms with that? how does he feel like he still deserves the trust and faith that his family puts in him to keep being a rock? (they’re not scared of him, but he’s scared of him.)

and for real seriously how does he ever ever get around to dealing with that brain probe and the mutation specifically. his mind and his bodily autonomy got so deeply violated in the process of this movie. it’s scary! and painful! what kind of scenario would a writer even have to rig up to back him into enough of a corner to share those feelings with his family (who would absolutely want to comfort and support him)! it’s nightmarish stuff that’s gonna linger with him for the rest of his life. 

and in fact on the mutuation/mind control. i think the fact that leo was able to get through to raph just with words, that that was how he managed to break through the control, maybe means that raph was aware of what he was being made to do all along and just. unable to pull enough strength together to stop it before that point. woof.

idk idk if any of this makes real sense or helps for getting a handle on raph’s character at all tbh, it’s just a lot of me nonsensically putting him in a jar with a leaf and a stick for scientific observation ig. if ppl wanna hit me w questions or discussions about my personal opinions on my favorite boi feel free tbh

maybe the real raph character analysis was the hug and nightmare-free nap he probably desperately needs all along....... ah its too late hes dissociating on the couch. relatable.

[sunflowerandstrawberryspice]

Before we begin as always: This is all for fun and is not meant to be taken to seriously everyone please be nice or at least civil. Okay? Awesome read on!

Alrighty I'm feeling a little irritated after a not so lovely comment on one of my fics (that has literally NOTHING to do with Jay) about how I don't often write about him if at all. Now I just kinda ignored the comment cause this was the same person who said I couldn't ship Zane with human characters cause he's a robot to say the least I took what they said with a grain of salt so yeahhhhhh (like seriously I had to mention that cause it's just such a weird thing to say since Ninjago has said multiple times that Zane is just as human as the others so???)

But anyways I want to start by saying yeah that's true I don't write about Jay very often, in fact I have never written a fic centered around him BUT I will never go out of my way to vilify him outside of the actions he takes IN CANNON because I try to stay in character when writing unless it's an AU that might shift their personalities a bit but not by much. But this brings me to an issue I've come across more than once and it sort of bothers me and its: the erasure of Jay's more negative qualities.

Now I'm not saying that Jay is an irredeemable villain here I'm just saying that he has said/done things that aren't good that a lot of people seem very keen on just ignoring or in some cases outright denying, and I get it it sucks when our favorite characters are flawed trust me my favorite character is GARMADON so I have plenty of experience in liking characters with flaws lol. BUT just because we like them doesn't mean they don't HAVE those flaws.

Like Jay (since he's who we're suppose to be focusing on rn) is kind of an ass multiple times especially early in the series. Now I hate the love triangle because it fucked up literally all people involved and I found it super annoying but I think Jay was painted in a particularly bad light. For example Jay straight up attacking Cole even though Cole had ZERO clue about the whole perfect match thing, like imagine if out of no where your best friend ATTACKED YOU saying you were trying to "steal" (I hate that phrase btw so dumb cause Nya's a person) the person they liked? Probably would feel really crummy.

Now I do understand that Jay probably has some form of anxiety but that doesn't mitigate the fact throughout the series Jay has a tendency to get freaked out and then lose his temper, in more recent seasons it's happened less frequently which I'm going to chose to interpret as him growing up but is likely just because in later season the writing tends to muddy the waters on most characters (we don't even talk about crystalized because it doesn't exist, like seriously Lloyd talks about Harumi in Dragons Rising like Crystalized never happened which I'm a big fan of) but yeah. I've never been a huge Jay fan myself but his cannon character is interesting and I'd understand why people would like him since again he's not an irredeemable monster he's a person.

But yeah, I love Ninjago and I love being a part of the fandom but I don't love how sometimes people overlook the charcters negative traits and that really bothers me since more than one of the characters go through arcs (some more subtle than others) to become better people. Like I also think people underplay Nya's anger issues, Kai's can be as well but to a lesser extent SOMETIMES, which is unfortunate because that's part of their arcs of growing into new more mature people. All of the characters have their problems it's what makes them interesting to follow, I'm a huge fan of Garmadon and he is EXTREMLY flawed but that's what makes him an interesting character especially since he's trying to be better (again lol).

In conclusion I love over analyzing this Lego show cause even if its shit sometimes the characters it created are super fun to play with much like actual Legos! I don't hate any characters (except for Nadakahn and The Mechanic fuck those two they're creepy as shit) I love getting to talk about them and am totally open for conversations about them because as you can tell from this post I am a natural born yapper and I love to hear other peoples thoughts/views so feel free to say something as long as you're willing to keep it civil!

I hope y'all have a great day/night PEACE OUT!

[kimberlyannharts]

LAST TIME ON RANGER ACADEMY: It's our contractually obligated school dance portion of the Magic School plot Parent Weekend, but Sage and Tula can't enjoy it due to The Horrors. Regardless of crazy social anxiety and cover-up conspiracy theories, we got some cool reveals, like how MATHIS'S MOM IS NADIRA!!!!!

oh and Tula had an older sister who was a Green Ranger or something.

It's Ranger Academy #7!

Tula: this is where my older sister died, Sage

Sage: cowabummer!

= So I guess something worth noting here is Ranger Academy is indeed intentionally covering up Green and it's definitely framed as bad that they did that (yay, the system I hate is corrupted and we have to knock it down!!!!) but we're ONLY focusing on Green and not other colors. Part of me feels like we're going to stay focused on Green for simplicity's sake but it would be a shame if we never followed up on the possibility of other colors being wiped from everyone's awareness. Ranger Academy you have one fucking chance to prove to everyone this isn't just MMPR worship

= girl I get it if the 999 happy haunts of an abandoned school campus invited me to be the 1,000th tenant I'd want to get tf out of there too!!!!!!!

= mysterious floating head wants in on the friendship breakup, I get it

= also there's been some parts of the fandom turning on Sage for this, which on the one hand, she really is putting more blame on Tula than is deserved (like her grief about how Tula was using their friendship to get evidence? Tula was honestly trying to stay away from Sage a majority of the time before this. And as Tula rightfully points out after this, she didn't want Sage to come here in the first place, making the whole "you took me from my home!" thing moot. And in general I really can't blame Tula for being opportunistic once she realized Sage got Green powers. Is it somewhat selfish? Yeah, but not to the extent that I can fully side with Sage's breakdown here.) But on the other hand, people in the fandom insulting Sage and calling her selfish, a pick-me, unworthy of being a ranger, etc. have made me extra protective of her because she's fucking 14 years old in a fucked up situation so! Maybe you guys just hate girls

= So I guess right now one of the questions that hasn't been explained enough to the point where you can kind of get an idea as to where they're going with it (don't you love drawn-out mysteries?) is Tula's connection to Rhianth. I guess it could be as simple as she just found his name (or "Rye", as she called him in the first issue) while researching the Green Campus, as we know he had a Green on his team, but she still seems overly fixated on him. Especially when you consider their literal LIBRARIAN knew Rhianth too, and would be far easier to investigate

= Kartyr you should know the lesbian breakups are always the most dramatic

= hey look it's the panel that launched a thousand haters

= You guys already know my problems with the suits and everything so I won't get into them here, but I do wish the fandom people yelling about how generic the suits are would realize it's a symptom of why the concept of a Ranger school in general rather than the problem just being their designs. The designs themselves are fine. And yeah, I wish the cadets could personalize their morphers/suits, but like......why would they be able to in a school environment. They're basically uniforms. And throwing in more lore and rules about how they would work with multiple themes would just get overly complicated; especially when we don't know yet how the process of choosing a team works. This is unfortunately what makes the most sense for a Ranger school. I saw someone call it a "mass-produced Ranger army" which is probably the most accurate way to describe it.

And the reason I'm saying this is because it's what i've been PREACHING and SAYING since THE FIRST ISSUE CAME OUT!!!!!!!!!

= does it have any games on it or what

= Anyway I'll say it again: whatever this is, Dark Specter, some evolved version of Dark Specter, Dark Specter's child, whatever; it's a way more intimidating design than Evil Radiant Red

= god I wish the ghostly green echo of my dead dad (????????) could show up whenever I needed inspiration

= LESBIANS GET BEHIND ME

= And I'll give them credit: at least her weapon isn't a dagger or sword

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y'know i watch a lot of dave ramsey on my fb feed, ever since my parent sent me the video where a young couple had $750,000 worth of student loan and other debt. but like. although most of their advice is relatively okay/good for saving up and getting out of debt, the one piece of advice i take issue with today, mostly bc i feel like being pissed about something is "just get any job before you get THE job! you need work and money TODAY and also a side hustle if you have free time to watch netflix between 3 other jobs!"

like. i have been TRYING to just get ANY job for a year now, ever since i left my shitty and toxic asf traineeship/cadetship..... that made me so fucking anxious and stressed that i crashed my car so bad that i bashed in my back windscreen, my boot/trunk and knocked off my back wheels and exhaust pipe (and i also destroyed their multilevel parking.... and i refused to follow up on their building insurance to fix. ALSO my car is actually fine. my insurance fixed it lmao. it took like 3 whole months).

i've been trying for the past year ever since my shitty overly critical, controlling and micromanaging boss completely ruined my chance of a good stable job where i got BUMPED UP from trainee to a full admin assistant during the interview process..... all because i REFUSED to listen SPECIFICALLY to her and hr to be a disability/community support worker bc "tHeY'rE sOoOoOo DeSpErAtE fOr WoRkErS wHy DoN't YoU cArE!!!!????" and "SHE HAS THE WRONG PERSONALITY FOR ADMIN!!!!!" et al.... that she called me to demand to know EXACTLY what jobs i was applying for directly after she gave that bullshit reference report so she could guilt me to "use your (my) giving heart." *enter every tag rant i've made about this sitch on this hellsite here*

where people, performance and culture told me to get assessed and medicated for anxiety and depression. where one of the course coordinator ladies of the cert IV in housing course i did as part of this program told me to "hurry up and get assessed and medicated for ADHD bc it's ruining your KPIs and business performance!" bc i went too fast through my assessments for her to help me..... and "YoU'rE NoT fIgHtInG fOr YoUr CaReEr HaRd EnOuGH!!!!" whenever i got told both by my manager and my mentor that any chance for me to move up or do anything for my assessments was "not relevant to you" (even in TEAM MEETINGS!) and "just accept it's not in YOUR journey with us!!!". and finally where another coworker kept asking me if i had some undiagnosed disability that i hadnt told them about.... on the way to one of the very seldom inspections that i was SUPPOSED to be doing by myself, by the end of the program. but they continually barred me from doing. how the fuck was i meant to stay here and do anything successfully and healthily in this toxic ass workplace???

i've tried for a fucking year to get "just any job". be it from kmart to fucking heavy labouring shift work at the local steelworks.... bc i am fucking desperate.... to even a support worker in the last couple of months. that i didnt have good ref reports for (and quite understandably so this time bc this job is basically like rudimentary nursing which i've NEVER been interested in). but again i was desperate. and i wanted to test shit boss's/shit HR's hypothesis that it was "an instant job! it'll be so easy for you! bc you're so nice, and giving, and down to earth, and friendly!!! all it is, is making friends all day with your interests!! what the perfect job for you!!' ma'am i am NOT 18 like your son that you keep referencing whenever we talk about this. i am 27/28 (at the time). why the fuck are you SO condescending, belittling and supercilious?

i have been trying for a fucking year to get any fucking job possible.... when it's literally impossible.... when even rudimentary/entry level jobs like working at kmart or woolies or even as a door greeter/customer service person at a local bank; come with test after test after test after test...... that give you results like "you have big dreams and we can't help you achieve them!" or "you have NO emotional regulation and intelligence, and resilience skills whatsoever. why did you even apply to work for social services?! goodbye." or "you don't know what INNOVATION means bc you're too scared to try or come up with new ways to do things." shitbot.AI for social services. you're a government agency. you're the LEAST innovative fucking business in the ENTIRE country.... for personality readings. batshit insane multi-tasking tests like this one:

i NEVER pass these tests, whether they're the standard personality test or the psychometric tests like the one pictured, or the system thinking ones... fictional staff IM chat ones; etc etc etc. FOR A FUCKING SEWING/ARTS/HABERDASHERY SHOP. the list goes on and on. where you only have 30 seconds to get every little bit of it right in 20 questions. i failed that screenshot test big time for the local bank. bc i can't math and i felt way too rushed.

there's so many job descriptions you have to dodge bc they don't list salary properly (eg monthly figures i've seen for writing jobs or one for working for influencers i saw last week) OR even AT ALL..... instead sometimes they just "profile salary match" bc they don't want to pay jack fucking shit. overly presumptuous and fucking patronizing as all fuck small business owners who are SO FUCKING sanctimonious about the supposed importance of working in a FAMILY OWNED small business as opposed to a MuLtInAtIoNaL where apparently "you can just go home and forget about work! not HERE!" that's such a massive red flag. since they think that, from the outset, they have the RIGHT to treat APPLICANTS like they have shit-for-brains for 85k a year...... and begging for this specific attribute in the JD from applicants:

that hey. maybe it's not fucking worth applying for that and losing my sanity over ANOTHER god-awful boss and a 2hr commute to work (ie it was in southwestern sydney which is a 2hr commute for me where i live). also, as a caveat. who the fuck has had stable employment since 2020???? since the worldwide fucking pandemic??? where so many industries have laid off droves and droves of employeess??? and it's still happening?? like ok given this was as a HR admin support position and i assume a lot of HR people had career stability during the last 4 years. but also. what the ACTUAL fuck.

i am TRYING to get any fucking job possible. but it's hard to take some jobs seriously. these are the attributes of some influencer advertising/marketing firm and one of their "KPI's/company values was "honor" and was like "honor the vibes and the company" or whatever the fuck i found on indeed last week:

it's also hard to take some admin jobs seriously. for example, a local wealth management firm DOESN'T list the salary of a customer service/admin/whatever the fuck else they called it "rockstar/superstar"position..... that DEMANDS the desired candidate does the job of the equivalent of 6 other people in their branch whilst ALSO doing the admin work of their two other regional offices. what the fuck is the pay for this position??? why won't you list it??? is just THAT GOOD AND HIGH???? or just THAT LOW AND AWFUL???? fucking list it, you dumb cowardly bastards.

again, i've been trying to get any job for the past fucking year, that i've finally started to slightly dumb down my resume by finally deleting my advanced diploma of marketing. it's a daily fucking struggle to not go feral and start bitch-posting on my linkedin about how fucked up the job market is. but obvs i can't do that when have Shit HR and other people from my first job lurking on my LI feed. or start a tiktok parodying the goddamned motherfucking mindfuck tactics of the useless fucking job market before throwing my 12 year old laptop out the fucking window. "just get any job" is NOT possible anymore when that "just any job" in retail or call centres (although rip me for leaving after barely a month bc a shitty call centre i worked for in feb/march this year REFUSED to fix a backend issue on THEIR END but kept blaming it on me and it ruined my training period).... are just so mind fucky and tiring that it's straight up NOT even worth applying.

it's straight up not worth applying to a job that some local social service org sends you directly on seek (or maybe another job site) bc they think you fit the profile for a traineeship in business admin. only then, when you apply you're marked "unlikely to progress" bc you decided to list your desired salary at the higher end (apparently) of the trainee pay grade in australia (50k) bc you believe you shouldn't be expected to stay at 45k for TWO MORE FULL YEARS during that traineeship (with a vain hope that hopefully, HOPEFULLY, they'll keep you on at the end of it)... bc you NEED to start paying off your student loans automatically through your pay. BUT. oh no. that was too high of an ask for your quals/experience apparently. they WANTED you to low ball at 45k (or even lower) and be happy about it. so they reject you. when THEY sent YOU the job.

it's not worth trying to get "just any job", when famously even food chains in the US, like i think it's panera bread (and also walmart) are using 2 hour avatar-esque personality tests to screen ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE out of the pool except for like 2 people. every second job i get suggested on linkedin is just applicant pooling websites (or straight up scams where the pay is ONLY listed in US $$) where businesses just straight up ignore your applications bc they forgot they even made an account on it (imo) so you HAVE to make an account on THEIR actual site..... when some dumb-ass career-advice-fluencer on my fb feed (and the tik of the tok) tells you that's exactly how you get your application ignored, while flogging THEIR applicant pooling and job searching/resume writing AI advice software website.

"just any job before you get THE job", my fucking ass. this no longer fucking possible. and also cut the shit about overworking yourself to death with 10,000 different side hustles. bc that's exactly how i i nearly fucking died in 2020 at 20 fucking 5 in hospital with a stomach tumour..... after TOO MANY years of uni where the supposed importance of "innovative systematic entrepreneurial flair go-getter thinking of the future" was being espoused to me on the fucking daily. like dgmw, i know people are doing side hustles in these fucked up high cost of living times (and also im actively thinking about doing door dash since NO ONE is bothering to hire me)... but god the "if you have time to have down time with netflix why arent you filling your time with 15 side hustles to get your net worth to 1 million bucks??????" is fucked up. let people NOT work themselves to death outside of the mandatory 2 full time and 1 part time or casual or any other mix of jobs that people just need to fucking SURVIVE today.

[cyanidefilledcandy]

So....

I would absolutely love to stream right now, but I'm inable to.

One, because of whatever LOVELY person is blasting music like this is a fucking rave.

And two, and most importantly, I just am exhausted and don't have the energy for it; even after just waking up from a 1 and half nap.

And of course, I've narcolepsy to thank for that.

So, I recently went to a neurologist. I was hoping to finally get my face pain addressed and hopefully, diagnosed. But my new primary instead set me up with a sleep specialist. (I did not ask for, nor want this, btw. As I told the new sleep doctor, Narcolepsy is something I've just learned to live with and I'm manage it fine. It is not the severe, fall asleep at a split second kind, so I see no harm.) However, since my sleep study was so long ago and he'd likely be unable to get the records, he set me up with another that I had done last week. He said it might be something I have to "just deal with anymore" because that's been almost 15 years ago and medicine has advanced since then. He also said that there was a possibility I'd been diagnosed through process of elimination or that no other diagnosis fit at the time. So, I agreed, mainly for that last reason and because I was just curious.

So, I had it done and in it, I slept WAY better than normal and during the day, I couldn't sleep at all. (They ask you take naps throughout the day and only give you 20 minutes to do so. I don't care how tired I am, I could be literally passing out while standing, it I HAVE to sleep and especially if I know I have a small amount of time to do so, I can NOT sleep....like no matter what.) So, I was worried that the results wouldn't be accurate, one. And two, that I WASN'T actually narcoleptic and their was something else unexplainable going on (and thus, I'd have to start the process all over again).

Well, got the results today and I am 100% narcoleptic, though at this point in my life, that's a big Duh, but finding out what's wrong with me is always nerve-wracking. Anyway, they want to try me on some new medication for wakefulness during the day and......honestly, it's the whole reason why I didn't want to bother with any type of sleep study.

I'm not entirely sure why that kind of medication in particular makes me nervous. (And just now starting to wonder if I did indeed try some before and had a bad time because I honestly can't remember.)

But I think for one, it's a new medication. I have ALWAYS HATED medication with a passion and never want to be on too many pills.

Two, I'm worried about my insomnia. She mentioned that the staying awake or alert throughout the day can sometimes improve insomnia, but I'm 91% sure my insomnia is mostly anxiety and depression based. She also mentioned that getting regulated sleep can sometimes help with that....and that leads to another, unforseeable problem that arose.

They made me sign some kind of controlled substance contract and while I did scan through it and think I have a basic understanding, I have so many other issues that are far more pressing and I don't want to have issue with medications for those way more important things because I'm on some stimulant that I honestly don't want to be on. While my sleep definitely has an effect on my mental health, no part of me believes it's a CAUSE.

I have had mental health issues since I was a toddler; long, long before any type of sleep issues arose. So, *sigh*.....IDK. The whole thing just makes me nervous....

But, I AM willing to try. Maybe it DOES have an effect on my issues with my concentration and being able to complete tasks, especially my artistic pursuits (though again, I don't think it's the root). I will give it the college try, but if it keeps me up at night, or I just don't feel like it's doing anything, I will stop.

[alextheavoidant]

I posted this as a reply to someone on YouTube under a video about the 8 Passengers situation. Thought I'd share it here because why not.

I feel like I should put a trigger warning here as this post discusses child abuse, but now that I think of it my whole blog probably needs a trigger warning...

Post:

I was also badly abused growing up and this is something I'm just now starting to come to terms with. My parents were divorced when I was five and my father claims he tried to get custody of my siblings and I, but the truth is he didn't want to be a single father and having three little kids to take care of would have gotten in the way of his drinking and partying lifestyle. I never knew my mothers side of the family because she's pretty much been estranged from them since before I was born. But I remember when my sister died from a drug overdose the whole side of my dads family were suddenly so sad about what we went through growing up and would say things like "We tried to give you some sense of normalcy. We always invited you to Christmas and the holidays." As if they were doing us some kind of favor for letting us come to family gatherings.

The worst part is I didn't have to wonder if they knew. I knew they knew because I remember being very vocal about what was happening to us our entire childhood. But every time I tried to tell someone it seemed like they would either turn away and pretend they didn't hear me or make some kind of joke like "Oh yeah, that's your mother. She's crazy. Ha ha ha." or a dismissive "Well, she's the only mother you're ever gonna have, so you gotta love her." or what I feel is one of the most damaging things you can put in an abused child's mind, "I know it may not seem like it, but she loves you in her own way." No one seemed to be worried back then.

The other worst part is instead of being understanding about the ways the abuse has effected us and maybe trying to help us get our lives together, these same people who turned a blind eye to it now have the audacity to judge us for not being "successful", their definition of success being having a great career, lots of money, nice house, nice car, nice marriage with three perfectly behaved, straight A students. We're supposed to be perfect like all of them pretend to be. Just supposed to magically not be affected by any of the abuse and neglect we suffered growing up so that they can pretend it never happened so they don't have to feel guilty about the fact that they knew we were living in a house with a raging alcoholic without food and clean clothes half the time and they did nothing about it. It wasn't *their* responsibility to protect us. Now that we're adults its *our* responsibility to fix ourselves and stop "playing innocent", blaming the family and making them look bad. The only reason we can't is obviously because we're just too inherently defective. Because of course we are. We're "just like our mother". We have her genes. And the kicker? I'm constantly told to "rise above my raising" while also being told I'm "screwing up" my niece because I can't afford to take her out to eat all the time and shit like that. Literal mind fuck.

And yet, the most bizarre part is, the more progress I make in my recovery, as I have been diagnosed with several mental health issues including a severe anxiety disorder (AvPD), the harder and harder they seem to want to come down on me. Like it's not enough that I've spent years in therapy trying to get my life straight, that I'm raising AND homeschooling my sisters child, whom she abandoned long before she passed away. It's not enough just that I survived that hell and I'm still here and I'm not an addict or in jail or on the street. I'm just not getting better fast enough, and that annoys them. They don't want to hear about my recovery because they don't want to acknowledge how fucked up I actually am, and how much work its taking to even try to achieve some sense of normalcy, let alone have a "successful" life and career, according to their standards. My very existence is a stain on the security blanket of lies they wrap themselves up in so they can sleep at night. And they really don't like that.

[s0ngsandstars]

hiya!! 1, 6, and 8 for the disability ask game, if you haven't already done them :3c

Putting it all under a read more because I do a lot of talking and I forgot how Tumblr deals with long posts. sdkjdfjgkdgn Also I apologize for how negative the last question turned out.

1. What disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

Mental health wise I'm an absolute wreck. The things I consider disabling are DID (mostly the dissociation, I like my headmates), OCD, ADHD, Agoraphobia, Depression, and social anxiety that I heavily suspect is actually AvPD. C-PTSD is also awful, but it's like. Not as bad as the other stuff in terms of how much of my life and time is taken by it. Also like, all the sensory issues that come with being autistic is just awful. Other things too, but like. mostly just more anxiety stuff. sdkjndfgkjngjn I am a very anxious human being.

Physically I have FND (it manifests primarily as movement problems, and sometimes takes away my ability to move some or even all of my limbs entirely, though most usually my legs), arthritis, something related to hypermobility, and I heavily suspect POTS, but my doctors won't test me for it. *makes a peace sign* Also I'm deficient in vitamin D but my doctors won't prescribe me anything for it (idek why, it's been brushed aside like 3 times though even though it's been deficient for multiple tests of it). *makes a second peace sign* I also have glasses because I'm moderately near-sighted, but that's a very common thing.

I also have GERD and don't have a gallbladder, so food hates me sometimes, but that's like. So mild in comparison to other things. The worst part about that is that I have to wait a few hours before going to sleep after eating or I'll get sick. I almost forgot, I have NAFLD and so I'm banned from alcohol, even though I've never gotten drunk in my life, so that's a missed opportunity.

Probably something else I'm forgetting but, eh. sdkjndfgljdgn

6. What’s something good that’s come out of being disabled?

I feel like I'm more understanding of people? Like, it's definitely helped me with being more readily accepting of other people's experiences.

Also can I count synesthesia as a sometimes positive to my senses being fucked? Some sounds smell wonderful. I love the colors I see for people and things. Like, yeah some sounds can smell literally like burning rubber, but other sounds can smell like chocolate or sour candy or mint chocolate-chip ice cream, etc. etc. and it's lovely.

Fun thing too is my cane can double as a weapon if I need it to. So like, that's kind of neat.

8. Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you’re very passionate about)

Yeah, definitely. DID made gender and attraction rather difficult to figure out, because of the bleed through of others' emotions and like blending etc. I went through quite a journey before deciding on just non-binary for gender. AroAce was also tricky to figure out, but I got there eventually. But I'm really happy with it, and now it's like, one of those questions I can answer if we're really dissociated and trying to figure out who's out. Narrows it down a little if I can answer the gender/sexuality questions. Not a whole lot cause we're polyfragmented, but hey, we'll get there eventually. sdkjndfgkjn

As for gender expression, I can't wear some things that I really want to. Like my movement issues make wearing certain shoes potentially dangerous, and I can't be in long or tight skirts. I don't have the energy to put on makeup any time I want to.

And it definitely effects my hobbies. I don't have the energy to draw most of the time now, and when I do I can only do it for short bits at a time. It's really frustrating, because I want to, I want to so much, but as soon as I get my tablet set up, I'm so exhausted I feel like crying and I have to lie down for a while or I'll feel ill. I have to jump on when I have the energy to do things like draw or cook. I do read a lot though (mostly fanfics). Reading doesn't require much energy, so reading is fantastic.

Life dreams, definitely. I can't go to school right now, I can't get a job, I can't travel.. My life is limited, and I can't do some of the things I dream of doing. I want to be a planetary meteorologist. I want to travel and see places. I want to do so many things. But I can't.

--

Trying to end this on a positive. I'm proud of what I've been able to do, even if it doesn't seem like a lot to someone who's abled. I've missed out on so many things, but that makes the things I've been able to do mean so much more.

[dirtj0b]

Just like, thinking about learning to interact with other people again after isolating myself for like five years. It's a long post and not important to anyone but me probably, so feel free to ignore it!

Hopefully this works, I'm so excited that they added an easier way to do the read more thing!! I like making long posts, but don't like making people read them.

Sooo... I work a job where I have very little interaction with other people, and it's graveyard shift. My bf doesn't like to interact with others either, so 90% of the time he and my room mate are the only people I interact with for extended periods in person.

This has been going on for about four years. I have pretty bad social anxiety as well, I'm literally afraid of people! I try really hard to move past it, but still... any time I have to talk to literally anyone, I am shaking and sweating and want to cry, even just ordering food or saying excuse me to move past someone. Can't even talk to my own mother without apologizing profusely and having a panic attack, it's bad.

This even extends to friends online! Or responding to things from people I don't know very well. I have a lot of trouble responding to comments on my tiktok, even though they're all super nice. I don't know why...

I used to go to karaoke and force myself to socialize and get up on stage. After I stopped working at the club, it became harder and harder to interact with people, and I learned that the only way to keep on top of the anxiety thing was forcing myself to do it in a fun setting. I dunno. But I wasn't able to do that anymore with my job, and a lot of my friends moving away...

I think, for one of my accommodations, I might ask if I can have one night off a month to go to karaoke with my sister, and see if it helps??

Anyway, the trip! I feel very spoiled. My mom, knowing I had these issues and needed a place to hide, got me my own room. I'm so thankful!!!! But I've been trying to hang out downstairs with everyone else as much as possible, because I missed my family.

I'm trying to also use this as an opportunity to re learn how to interact with other people. I've been talking to strangers and stuff. And you know what? For the most part, everyone has been super nice! Some people are mean, but... way more people are nice. It hurts when someone is short with me, but in such a large place with so many people, inevitably I talk to a nice person again in a few minutes.

I think it's helping! Last night, rather than hiding in my room, I stayed down with my family and watched movies and made stupid jokes. I feel annoying, and embarrassed, but I always do when I talk to literally anyone. I don't think I need to feel that way!

Another thing... I'm scared of children. I'm scared of like, everything! But the noises kids make hurt my ears, and they don't seem to give me any space when I need it.

BUT!! I've been interacting with my nephews a lot during the trip, and it's going well!! Actually, the older one (10?) gave me a little pep talk... they were trying to teach me to play four square, but I kept messing up and apologizing. I didn't know what I was doing, and I felt like I was ruining the game by not catching on fast enough.

Everyone else was kind of like ughhh and stepped away (I'm sorry ;~; ) and my nephew came up and was like, "you don't have to apologize so much, it's just a game. When you're going 'I'm sorry I'm sorry and then say 'I'm having fun, I promise!' I feel like I'm holding you at gun point or something" so we talked about it, oof haha.

I think me apologizing a lot and then trying to explain my issues to people is very off putting to them. I do it trying to be less awkward, but it only makes it worse I think! I am going to try to stop doing it, and see how it goes.

The apologizing thing is going to be really hard. I've done it my whole life!

My childhood was a bit rough, so I had to apologize a lot, and it stuck around when I got older. I have wanted to stop for years, no one likes it, but I just have this constant feeling that I'm doing something wrong when I interact with others. I can't shake it, so I have to actively force myself to not apologize and it's very difficult.

It ends up being a cycle I can't break out of, because if I don't apologize my brain goes "oh wow I'm so unapologetically annoying they'll hate me" but if I do apologize it adds friction to the interaction (and is probably uncomfortable for the other person!)

I'm making an effort now to not do it so much, even though I feel so painfully irritating. I don't know. This is going to be hard. How can I know I'm not making anyone angry?? I'm scared! But I have to try, because apologizing and explaining why I'm acting weird is so not working. I just want to interact normally, without feeling awful and embarrassed afterward.

I joined a voice chat with my friends the night before last and tried not to apologize a bunch, but I felt weird anyway. I ended up nodding off and left the call, but I was more embarrassed about just... joining in the first place even though they're my friends and they were nice to me. No one did anything to make me feel that way, I just always feel like that when I talk to anyone. Even my boyfriend, actually!

I feel like a Sim and every time I have a social interaction we both get a lil red - mark, ugh.

Anyway... I messaged my bf and asked if he wanted to talk on the phone today because I miss him, and he said he would let me know when he was able to talk. I suspect probably we will not get to talk in the phone during this trip. I'm sad about it, but I'm thankful he's messaging me!

YES I know I sound pathetic and shit, but listen. I'm trying my best to heal and improve, okay? I'm doing my absolute best. This is all I have! I don't want to spend my life too afraid to be around people. I'm lonely and I want to enjoy being around my friends and family instead of being afraid of them.

Everyone is trying so hard to include me, I don't want to let them down either. If I apologize and seem sad the whole time, they'll think I'm not having any fun, but I am!! I'm so fucking happy to be here, I'm so happy that despite everything they still invited me and wanted me to come. I'm thrilled that they're trying so hard to include me even though I make it difficult!!

I'm so absolutely lucky to have people in my life who love me despite my issues, and who know I can be better and fun to be around even though I'm all weepy and shit.

I'm going to make a second post about the how trip itself so far, but this stuff is a big deal to me... I just want everyone to know I'm trying!!

[emotionalteaspoon22]

I was awake yesterday morning at 6:30 thinking about Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn.

Can we just..... accept and understand the fact that just because something deteriorated, that doesn't mean it was never good?!!?! I hate seeing people say "joever", and "I'm seeing glimpses of pre-2016 Taylor".

First of all.... pre-2016 Taylor was going through some really difficult things and wasnt in a great place. She has been so open about that. And in 2016, she and Joe found something in each other that made everything better and they were what each other needed. As far as we know, based on her songs. Maybe Joe wasn't MAKING her hide herself away. Clearly she needed to take a step back. Are we disregarding all the lyrics in Call It What You Want??? Maybe Taylor needed someone to kinda shelter and heal with, and maybe Joe needed that too.

And times change and people change. People still thought Taylor was a joke when she released Lover. And covid kept everyone isolated. So yeah not much of a change from their own isolation right before Reputation. But then Taylor releases folklore and evermore and she keeps writing and she needs to get herself back out there. And Joe's career isn't going the way he wants it maybe. And seeing her go beyond their bubble makes him nervous. And I'm not saying he was justified in trying to hold her back (if that's what was even happening), but maybe he was starting to pull away from her. And she was trying to hold on to their relationship and it just wasn't working. Because they aren't on the same page anymore. Maisie Peters said in There It Goes: "The way I loved you, I will not be embarrassed of that, just should've known when to quit." And "The love we had was covered in snow, I had to let it go. The love we had was eating me whole, I had to send it home." JUST BECAUSE SOMETBING DOESNT LAST DOESNT MEAN IT WAS NEVER GOOD.

And guess what? We don't freaking know Taylor. Maybe SHE had more fault in all of it than we know. What I think is that it was probably a little bit of both of them. I'm sure it wasn't all Joe and his own issues.

Everyone shows the good parts. Why do you want to air out all the bad things your partner is doing while you're with them? My husband and I don't fight much at all, but I'm pregnant, have bad anxiety, and we're moving and we're stressed and we got into an argument on Sunday. But we calmed down and talked it out and we're fine. Everyone is human and sometimes we just lose sight of the bigger picture and let little things bother us. It's when you don't address those little things and let them become big things that it gets harder to fix. And maybe that's what happened with Joe and Taylor. Maybe it's Joe's fault, maybe it's Taylor's fault, it's probably both of their faults. OR..... it's no one's fault. Maybe they were meant to be there for each other for those years to help each other through those times in their lives. And when their time was up, it was just up.

So can we PLEASE stop acting like Joe Alwyn is all of a sudden the devil when we literally have no idea what went on in their personal lives. And can we please stop treating a clearly healing and healthy time in Taylor's life like it doesnt matter now and must have been miserable just because that relationship ended. It's very annoying.

[pearlykissxoxo]

To give my insight into this, I’m a generally emotional person in part due to my neurodivergency(I have autism and ADHD), and it’s made my life a hell of a lot more difficult. I latched onto the whole “ticking time bomb” saying because that’s literally who I was: Someone who forced people to walk on eggshells whenever they did so much as talk to me.

I have trouble communicating with others properly, I can’t get a understand or get a grasp on my own emotions, I often get burnt out because doing minimal tasks that are outside the schedule I have built into my brain are too much for me sometimes.

To top that off I have very bad anxiety and depression, which have inadvertently warped my view of myself, other people, and life in general, making me believe the world isn’t just fucked up, but deserves the absolute worst and that absolutely nobody is redeemable. Not even myself.

I feel like I can’t recover not just because I don’t want to, but because I feel like it’s quite literally impossible for someone like me. My support system is either doing much worse than me physically/mentally, or doesn’t and never will understand the extent of why I feel life is so exhausting and excruciating.

I’ve jumped between 3 or so different therapists this year because either they made me feel inadequate and like I didn’t have a right to be there, or simply didn’t reach the needs I was hoping for.

Jirai Kei to me isn’t just some subculture for mentally struggling people, it’s quite literally the amalgamation of feeling like no one can truly understand your pain and feeling like the pain is so bad that you’d wish you were better off simply not existing.

Maybe I’ll never know what it’s like living as a young Japanese person, where the topic of mental health is VERY much undermined and misunderstood, but does that make my own experiences as a neurodivergent, queer afab person in America any less valid? No. It shouldn’t.

Case in point, Jirai Kei to me is embracing your mental health and its issues because there’s no one else out there who feels them the way you feel them. Your experiences are unique to you.

Only you can define yourself, and nobody else.

Something that I’ve been thinking about a lot is what Jirai Kei is and what it means. What draws me to the style is how I remember writing poetry about feeling like I was a “ticking time bomb” many years ago. It feels like I’m seen finally in who I am, in a way. I may seem put together, but I’m a highly emotional, sensitive, and expressive person. The person where it’s only a matter of time until I have a breakdown or an outburst of emotion. That’s a part of my life and who I am, that I’ve never been able to acknowledge. I’ve been told to “stop being a baby” growing up so much that I’ve had to learn how to try to keep my emotions at bay and fail. I guess it’s also has to do with obvious signs of mental illness and physical illness that have been ignored and dismissed growing up.

Yet, I’m supposed to be “better now”. I can’t share when I’m struggling to hold back a panic attack or biting my lip to stop myself from crying. I’m not supposed to feel super happy and then super sad the next moment.

However, within this style, it embraces that. It embraces how deeply I feel and how I’ll always struggle with my mental health. It embraces it and tells me it’s okay. That I can struggle, that I can acknowledge and say that I’m not doing okay. I don’t have to be happy all the time. I don’t have to be sad all the time. I’m free to feel and express it.

I don’t want to leave. I want to stay on this Earth and live, even if it hurts a lot. I know some people say that lifestyle jirai kei don’t want to get better, but I don’t think that accounts for everyone. For me, Jirai Kei is a way to express how deep I feel and my struggles. It’s a way to express when I’m feel depressed or lost or anxious.

I think the point of my ramblings is to just say that you should define what Jirai Kei means to you.

Recovery is beautiful, but I also acknowledge some people aren’t there yet or don’t want to be. Just remember that it’s a beautiful thing to feel emotion so deeply. You don’t have to engage in self destructive behavior to be “a part of the jirai kei community”.

Anyways, I’m done. Thanks for coming to my ted talk <3