#literally i don’t know how to improve any other aspects of my mental health without adhd treatment first

[cryptcatz]

suffering immensely cuz my psych won’t let me have any ADHD meds because of my (very mild, greatly improved) atypical anorexia, she let me try strattera but i had a bad reaction to it so had to be taken off of it immediately. so guess i’ll just tough out my debilitating ADHD symptoms <3

[b-lessings]

10 lessons I learned from the first 10 days of Ramadan 🌙

(personal, subjective, and in no particular order)

1) It's a constant work and it doesn't get easier. This is the first thing that came into my mind. As a matter of fact, the daily routine of this month is no joke, whichever deeds you try to perform and incorporate in your deen from the 5 obligatory prayers, to the sunnah, to the nawafil, to the azkar, to the Qur'an recitation, to the daily x number of istighfar you promised yourself you'd achieve, it is a lot of work, especially if you have a family to take care of, a job or school to go to, or more critically, if your mental health is not at its best condition. Every day (or night), you get out of bed and you're back at square one, you have all this list of tasks to do, and it gets a lot some times, and you do feel exhausted (but if you are among the lucky ones, then it is the good kind of exhausted), and it's not like your prayers are gonna perform themselves, you have to ger up, you have to act. That's why you need to constantly remind yourself why you are doing this in the first place. What is the point of fasting and waking up in the middle of the night to pray and spending hours throughout the day just remembering Allah swt and reading his book, etc. You have to remind yourself of the ultimate purpose of this month, that we are sacrificing the worldly pleasures for the sake of Allah swt, to gain Taqwa, to be in a state of constante awareness and consciousness of Allah's presence, to get closer to Allah swt the most gracious the most merciful, and that if we don't actually put on some work and effort, we won't get to where we want to go, we won't achieve any of that. It is good to keep things in perspective. Be aware of what you are doing, where you are now, where do you wanna go and what it takes to get you there. If it's constant work and effort, then be it.

2) You can't achieve anything by yourself, your intentions are not enough, you need Allah's support. In fact, for the first couple of days I was so confused, I had to ask my sisters " If the devils are all locked away, why do I feel like I can't focus? " And I was constantly asking myself, if I have already prepared, downloaded the calendars and planners, put up a big board on my bedroom wall, etc., Why do I feel like my Iman is getting low?, AstaghfiruAllah. Aren't we supposed to feel on cloud nine? In a state of pure bliss? And then I came across a khutbah where the Sheikh may Allah swt bless him answered my question. He explained that even though Shaytan is locked away, he has already programmed us, for 11 months (he even made a joke that Shaytan deserves a month off because he has been working too hard for the rest of the year). Anyways, what I realized is even your will and your plans and your excitement about Ramadan and your promises to do so and so deeds is not enough if you don't ask Allah swt for support, for sabr, for guidance, for help, for strength to be able to fulfill those ibadat and carry out the plans you have made for this month. You need to constantly ask Allah swt because who else is our refuge? Who else is our source of strength and patience ? Who else will keep us steadfast on the straight path? And who else is gonna help us against the traps of Shaytan? No matter how willing or excited or determined you are to perform your prayers, finish reading the Qur'an, etc, you still need Allah swt to bless your deeds, every step of the way. Without Him, nothing can be achieved. So in your sujood, ask Him that He give you enough strength to finish that prayer in full Khushoo' and concentration, and after that prayer, ask him for sabr and strength to manage to perform the next one and the one after. Tell Him that you seek refuge in Him from the traps of Shaytan, from laziness and lethargy, from the disoriented heart and the distracted mind. Show Him that you are vulnerable and that even though you are trying to do this for Him, you actually can't do it without Him. SubhanAllah.

3) Forgive yourself when you fall short.

{يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ}

{God intends for you ease and does not want hardship for you}

Allah swt literally said this in Surat Al Baqara (The Cow) when he prescribed Fasting upon us and introduced us to the holy month of Ramadan. Soz read it again. As simple as that, I am not gonna develop this idea further.

4) No matter how much you prepared before Ramadan came, you aren't prepared enough. Well, are you familiar with the saying that Ramadan is like a marathon and you have to prepare for it way before? That's actually true. And guess what? No matter how much you think you are prepared, there are still gonna be some moments when you'd still feel out of breath, where you wish you'd have prepared more. May Allah swt make us reach the end of this month smoothly and seamlessly. May Allah swt bless us and accept our deeds from beginning to end.

5) Our deeds don't get accepted because they're good enough, they get accepted because Allah is merciful. I heard this in a youtube khutba just last night and it resonated with me. Put this in your mind, learn it by heart, print it out on your forehead if necessary! No matter how perfect you think your deeds are, they won't get accepted because you're an amazing slave of Allah swt and you win at worship and ibadah. Don't get too confident, beware of arrogance, control your ego. Stay humble and know your place. The only reason why your deeds would be accepted is because Allah swt will have mercy on you, not because you are so good that your deeds would qualify you for forgiveness and acceptance. So pray that Allah swt accepts our deeds and pray that he encompasses us with His mercy.

6) Don't compare to others, don't get intimidated by others, we are not on the same journey. Walk your own rocky path. I can't stress this enough. I know a lot of brothers and sisters Mashaa'Allah, Allahuma barik, are overachievers, or they might just be out of our league. And sometimes, through social media, we see what they share (in their attempt to motivate us and share some tips and good deeds, spread the knowledge, May Allah swt bless them, accept their deeds and reward them), so we get intimidated. Sometimes it feels like what we are doing is not good enough because it doesn't even compare to what X or Y are doing. And we feel a bit scared that we are not good enough of slaves for Allah swt or that Allah swt wouldn't be pleased with us like He swt would be pleased with them, and we can even feel unworthy and get discouraged ( beware it's a shaytan trap). It is simple though, your path to Allah swt is very personal. What a brother or a sister does only get to inspire you not discourage you or intimidate you. When you see someone sharing something good or beneficial, make duaa for them and make duaa for yourself then leave it at that. Competition is taking over every aspect of our worldly life, we shouldn't let it mess with this sacred part as well. And remember, we are not all on the same journey to Allah swt. It is okay if you can't recite the Qur'an in such a beautiful way or if you can't pray 10 rakaas of Taraweeh, it is okay if you can't read in Arabic or if you don't learn any hadith by heart. Allah swt is patient enough and considerate enough. Scratch that, He swt is the most patient, the most considerate, the most gracious, the most generous, and He appreciates your effort. What matters for Him is your sincerity and the purity of your intentions.

7) The less food you take, the more energy you will have. FACTS. I mean, imagine the struggle of having to pray Ishaa and Taraweeh on a full stomach where every time you get down for sujood you feel like your soup is coming up :/ Allahu almusta'aan. This month is not about feasting. It is literally about giving up pleasures (food being one of them) to focus on Allah. So, Focus on what's important and set your priorities straight.

8) Don't overdue it. Beware of the ghost of Burnout. So yeah, like I already said earlier, it is a lot of work and it requires preparation and constant effort. The aim is to be at our best shape of health and Iman on the last 10 nights because they are the most sacred, the most important, the most blessed. You might wanna consider starting small with your deeds and building up slowly. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah is the most regular and constant even if it were little." [Al Bukhari]

9) Personalize your ibadat / plans. In other words, do what's best for you and what's beneficial for you. Define your weaknesses and the areas in which you want to improve. Don't just do this or that deed because everyone else is doing them. Do not follow blindly. What is good for you might not be the thing recommended or done by the others. And what you need on your faith journey is not what X or Y needs. You will be judged on your own deeds, your own journey. Have a purpose and a reason for what you are doing and why you are doing that. Also, the more you feel like your plan or your routine is personal, the more you can relate to it and connect with it, the more sincere you will be, the more excited and enthousiastic you will be, and the easier it will be for you to perform your ibadat in Shaa Allah.

10) Too much information can be poisonous. If ,like me, you got into a habit of watching lectures and videos of speakers this Ramadan, then breaking news: it might get confusing. I don't want you to feel lost and confused. Allahima barik the resources are countless and limitless. But also, you have to beware whom you listen to. There are different sects, different perspectives, different rulings on certain things. So, try not take things blindly. Take them with a pinch of salt and always try to do a background check. And eventually, when it gets too much, always choose what's best for your heart, because we are created with an innate sense of "right" , our fitrah is sane, Alhamdulillah. So, try to be critical. Allah swt even recommends that.

I hope this post can be beneficial. Tell me which part you related to the most, and if you have any extra tips, please share. May Allah swt accept our deeds and grant us forgiveness, amen. 🤍

[obeymehasinfluncedmythoughts]

hey i hope you're doing well!! i was wondering if i could request a oneshot that kinda diverges from canon ? so basically mc is given the chance to go back to the human world (permanently) or stay in devildom w the brothers. so everyone literally expects for them to stay bcs they really "happy" with the brothers + the (un)dateables,, but surprise:: theyre fucking ecstatic to go back to the human world !!!! and they re all like "why mc dont u love us 🥺" and mc just goes full rant about every shitty thing that happened to them in devildom: belphie killing them, brothers treating her as lilith's replacement, dangerous shit 😌😌😌😌 tHIS IS SO LONG N SPECIFIC OMG IM SORRY

Oo. Yes. This is it. I remember always choosing the "Yeah fuck you guys I wanna go home," choices lmao. There's so much I personally would say to them if put in that situation. One would be what the fuck.

This takes place after Belphegor kills you, but before you go home. The undatebles aren't really included because none of them really fit in with the scene I'm painting.

Also! To my followers, I'm thinking of opening a patreon? Idk if anyone would use it or not. It's just that I am trying to make money, and since I can't work consistently, this might be my best shot for now. It's just a thought! I won't do it if you guys think it's stupid. Thanks babes 💞

It was an offer from Diavolo that started all this.

After Belphegor had lashed out you'd taken to staying away from any of the brothers. You'd never totally felt safe around the demons. They are demons after all, but you trusted that someone would always be there to protect you. That was what you were told at least. It worked in many circumstances, but not when you needed it most. Not when you actually died.

You were miserable. Everyone could tell just by the way you acted. A frown was on your face the majority of the time, you were always on guard around any demons, and you spent the majority of your nights at purgatory hall for some reason or another.

It hurt them to see you so terrified of their presence. Any little fight they had now flashed like a warning sign in your mind, alerting you to the danger of meddling in demon affairs. You'd leave, and they'd become discouraged, only realizing how empty everything felt with you gone. They try to make it up to you, try to keep away from their natural tendencies to get a bit rowdy, but nothing works. You're still petrified in their presence.

That's when Diavolo asks you if you want to go home. You're not comfortable here, it's written on your sleeve. It's affecting your mental health, and despite how much it hurts to send someone so perfect away, he does suggest you leave. To get some help, reconnect with yourself, and possibly forget they ever existed.

You agree.

It's heartbreaking when they find out. Belphegor blames himself, and so does everyone else. They see his mistake as the catalyst for all your changes in personality, when really it was just the final nail in the coffin. After being forced to participate in a stressful school schedule, to deal with men constantly busting into the room despite the lock, being expected to cook for the avatar of Gluttony at least once a week, and to have to find new hiding spots for your precious items to avoid loosing them to Mammon, it was a lot. You were always up, ready for some crazy new happening, never resting even when your body was on the verge of collapse. Your body couldn't handle it anymore, and after Belphegor, you knew you'd never sleep again

You don't say goodbye to them.

Lucifer acts like it doesn't bother him, and he'll act this way until the day he ceases to exist. It does though. He considered you a friend, possibly more, but seeing as you willingly left the realm, it's clear that he misjudged the situation. Satan doesn't receive the news any better. He's a lot more angry then Lucifer, but deep down they both know the eldest is just better at hiding his feelings. The house is a wreck without these two micromanaging every aspect, but neither ever pleaded with you to stay.

They blame Belphegor, but they also blame themselves for not showing you how much you meant to them. Satan knows he could have done more. He should have. In all the books in his library, why is there not one explaining how to fix such a situation? Lucifer almost thinks the same, but he knows he does not need books. He should have noticed your little set backs from the beginning, without the help of a book.

Mammon doesn't completely understand what happened. He's confused, not knowing what he did to make you despise him so. Levi tries to explain, sometimes through teary eyes and anxious hand movements, yet it still never really sinks in. Part of him believes he could have possibly shown his affections more. The other remaining side can't stop chastising himself for not knowing.

The third eldest feels abandoned, and he doesn't know why. You're just a normie. Just some human who shouldn't mean anything to him, but you do. He hates it. Leviathan wants nothing more to forget you, but how can he when your ghost still haunts these halls?

The only one who seems to be able to move on is Asmodeus, but that's far from the truth. He's good at faking emotions. Sure, he's never really had to fake being happy, but all the improv disappointment and whiney attitudes have prepared him for this. Asmo looks fine. No one really worries about him. They should.

Beelzebub and Belphegor have been at odds ever since you left. They both blame the youngest, and whilst Belphie doesn't usually care about his sibling's opinions, knowing Beelzebub is so angry with him hurts. He can't fix it either. You're not coming back, and Beelzebub will always be angry with him for doing something so selfish.

And Beelzebub is angry. He moves out of their shared bedroom and into your room. For weeks he refuses to even speak to Belphie, and after that he only acknowledges him in passing. It's heartbreaking to watch, but Beelzebub doesn't care. You're gone.

[werevulvi]

Not the anon you replied to but I think the nonbinary argument falls apart for me because no one can be truly sexless nor a hermaphrodite person so this idea that they "should" be is like someone feeling they should be a minotaur or a fairy. It's so disconnected and almost entitled to bend reality that it grates on me, especially when its combined with some flavor of "but it's not a mental illness!".Even from a health pov there is no viable HRT that makes u both. And no gonads+no HRT = bad

Well, that's alright. I might just not see it from the same perspective as you. I don't really view nonbinary as one specific thing, but rather as on a greyscale kinda between male and female. It is not saying that mixing male and female traits on the same body in various ways necessarily "makes" a new gender, or truly sexless. The "gender" is merely personal interpretation.

I still battle this with myself, so it's difficult to talk about, but since I'm the only nonbinary person who's brain I know well enough to speak of... I guess I'll try.

First off though, usually the point with nonbinary isn't to be a specific "third" sex, sexless or to be some mythological hermaphodite. Humans cannot become truly sexless or be both sexes for real, but at the same time females cannot become males or vice versa either. So is it pointless to transition (with hormones and surgery) at all then?

Because at the end of the day, we're all just bio males and bio females, regardless how we feel about it, and regardless if we transition or not. That's what the reality is. But wanting to look different and putting a gendered meaning into that difference, isn't necessarily wrong, bad or illogical to me.

Like I have a teddy tiger which I sometimes refer to as simply "my tiger" even though she's not a real tiger. Because the toy resembles a tiger, and was made to resemble a tiger, it's logical enough to call her a tiger, even though it might sometimes be important to specify that it's made of fabric. Likewise, a nonbinary person might just be a female who looks partially male and partially female, due to hormones and surgery, like myself. To then say that me looking both male and female and liking it "makes" me nonbinary is no more untrue than saying that the soft toy "is" a tiger.

Because I resemble a mix of both sexes, just like the soft toy resembles a tiger. I cannot produce both sperm and eggs so I am not of both sexes for real; and my tiger cannot roar nor scratch, and is not a living creature, thus it is not a real tiger. Often times we call things not only what they are, but also what they resemble. Especially when it comes to art and other creations, but really all sorts of things. Like comparing someone's red hair to fire, or calling my balcony during hot summer days a sauna, even though red hair is not actual flames and my balcony is not an actual sauna. Why? Because it help with communication. Parables are important to describe things or to make a point. I even made another parable to describe a parable, to prove a point with a parable, just now.

Granted that most nonbinary (and binary) trans people do not view themselves as a parable to the gender of the sex they consider themselves to be, but I do.

So, consider the fact that transition doesn't actually change the person's sex, only polishes the surface to either look like the opposite sex, and/or some ambiguous variant of both/neither sex, but it can still make that person feel better about themselves. Is it then pointless for them to do things that make them feel better and find ways to lead a more functional life, regardless of how redundant it might seem to you? Because to me, the point of transitioning is not to become something else (whether that be male, female, sexless or a hermaphrodite), but to reduce dysphoria to improve over all life quality for the dysphoric person. And yes, dysphoria is a mental illness. I wouldn't wanna argue against that. I view my dysphoria as the defect, not my sex. And no, transitioning doesn't help every dysphoric person, but I think it's pretty clear that it helps for some. So then there's just not that much of a difference between... say, transitioning with T and top surgery to live as a self-perceived man - and transitioning with only T to live as a self-perceived half man-half woman. Because neither of those two examples can truly become anything other than a female anyway, so why does it matter? It might not matter to you, but it probably matters to them.

Also, I don't think anyone "should" be of the other sex or some other variant either. I just think people can do whatever they want with their own bodies if it makes them happy, and call themselves whatever they want if they feel that's useful for them somehow.

Both males and females, as well as intersex conditions that look ambiguous exist. Fairies and minotaurs do not. Even if they might be loosely based on bulls and fireflies. I could literally fool people to believe that I'm both male and female by simply saying some stupid shit like "I was born with both a dick and a pussy" because a lot of people have heard that can be a thing, even though they would know it's rare, they likely know it's humanly possible in some way. Getting people to believe I'm a fairy or minotaur would probably be a lot harder, unless they’re 5 years old.

How much or what kind of dysphoria somehow has doesn't really matter, I think. Dysphoria is dysphoria. And yeah, I would at least be willing to possibly extend that non-dysphoric people who seem genuinely more satisfied with themselves post-transition. Because then so what, good for them.

But yeah, I know even I have an easier time accepting certain types of nonbinary more than other types. Someone wanting no genitals, I would personally find very concerning, but someone wanting both a dick and pussy, I wouldn't be nearly as worried about. Someone wanting physical changes that can realistically be acquired through hormones, surgery, etc, would not be as concerning for me as someone wanting... say for example a big beard but not a deeper voice, and start dabbling with testosterone anyway.

You're right that there is no hormone that makes you "both" but it's possible to look androgynous in various ways with the hormones available. Sure, I may pass as male, have a beard and flat chest, but I also have a curvy figure and a pussy. To me, that's kind of a way to look like "both" sexes at once. Not evenly, and not like a hermaphrodite stereotype, but it is a combination of male and female sex characteristics that together makes me look kinda half and half. How I "achieved" that was simply by first going through female puberty (naturally) and then taking testosterone (on standard, "full" dose) for a significant amount of time, and get a mastectomy. Totally doable. Although my personal results depend highly on my genetic as well, of course. For other variants of androgyny, some manage to achieve that with low dose hormones, or going off the hormones after a shorter time on them. Some also go on and off hormones (not sure how healthy that is though.) Not everyone gets their intended results, but I have seen many variants that have looked good to me. I’m not advocating for getting one’s gonads removed and then not take any sort of hrt, or doing hrt without a knowledgable doctor’s supervision.

So really all I can say is I'm generally okay-ish with the concept of nonbinary, but some aspects/variants of it does concern me, make me uncomfortable, make me roll my eyes, or even viscerally upset me. I'm still quicker to critisise nb than I am to defend it, however... I do both critisise and defend it.

Whether I want to admit it or not, I'm practically nonbinary myself, even though I scoff at the concept and can name a hundred things wrong with it. I don't wanna label myself that, though. I hate it.

Let me put it this way: In an ideal world I'd just exist as myself like this, take my testosterone just because I like it (and not because I'm x, y or z gender), dress however I want (without it being questioned to mean I wanna be x, y or z gender), and be openly proud about my bio sex being female (without people telling me they don't believe it), without having to label myself anything at all. Alternatively, I'd also be fine with carrying a label which doesn't exclude ANY of those things I like being/doing with my body, style, name, etc.

But thing is I don't live in an ideal world. I live in Sweden. And in Sweden, we call freaks like me nonbinary. Because women don't wanna take testosterone to look like bearded men in dresses, and (trans) men don't love being female. Only nonbinary people do. So I’m only really nonbinary because I don’t fit any other label, and well, most people I know/come across dislike it too.

At the end of the day my body is just me and I just am like this. It doesn't actually "mean" anything, other than that I had dysphoria and acted on it. I love being female and I love being transitioned. Thus, I feel like I am in some highly abstract and vague sense "a little bit of both" sexes, and I don't think that's a particularly strange conclusion to come to, given my situation. I don't mean it literally. It's just how I relate to my body, and it's how the world relates to me. Sure, far from everyone “reads” me as nonbinary, but the sheer number of people who have told me I should identify that way... is flabbergasting, seriously. It’s like 20+ people who told me that, unprompted. Both people I’ve known, and strangers.

So, as I'm reluctantly trying to slap the uncomfortable nonbinary label on my own ass... perhaps I "shouldn't" invalidate my own kind, while I'm at it. However, the only thing I'd kindly ask of others to "validate" about me is my humanity, and to respect my bodily autonomy. If others think of me as a man or woman, both or neither, I truly do not care. But would I ever truly advocate for the nonbinary community? No, I don't think so. For the most part it’s regressive and goes against my values. I'd rather have gender be done away with, because ultimately I think that's a much better goal... even though it’s a pipedream. We can all dream, right?

So I mean... I'm probably not the best person to come to for some solid argument in support of nonbinary.

[official-transsexual]

FAQ

(last updated September 11, 2019)

Q: What is dysphoria? A: Dysphoria is a diagnostic term meaning “profound distress or discomfort.” It is a common symptom of many psychiatric disorders. It's been used this way for over a century (example 1, example 2, example 3). “Gender dysphoria” refers to dysphoria that occurs as a result of incongruence between a person’s assigned sex and gender identity.  To meet the diagnostic criteria for the psychiatric disorder “Gender Dysphoria” the DSM-V specifically states that the incongruence must cause “significant distress or problems functioning.” Sex/gender incongruence that doesn’t cause this distress or dysfunction is NOT considered disordered.

Q: I was told that the APA defined gender dysphoria as “conflict between a person’s physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify.” A: This particular line is a quote from a page on the APA website that was meant to briefly summarize the diagnostic criteria for Gender Dysphoria. It is not the full diagnostic criteria, which is described further down the page. Along with the checklist of traits, the diagnostic criteria for both children and adults include “distress or inpairment functioning” as specific necessary condition: “In adolescents and adults gender dysphoria diagnosis involves a difference between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, and significant distress or problems functioning [...] In children, gender dysphoria diagnosis involves at least six of the following and an associated significant distress or impairment in function, lasting at least six months.” Again: that “distress or problems functioning” criteria is mandatory; this is why the line meant to summarize gender dysphoria uses the word “conflict” instead of a more neutral term like “incongruence” or even “difference.” The APA’s endorsed expert opinion on the subject states more explicitly that “not all transgender people suffer from gender dysphoria.” According to members of the APA workgroup responsible for writing the Gender Dysphoria diagnostic criteria, the term “dysphoria” was chosen based on the logic that “if the new diagnosis would focus more on the dysphoria aspect (e.g., in the name) than does the current one, no separate distress criterion would be necessary, because the distress would be defined as inherent to the diagnosis” (sci-hub pdf). Note that they ended up keeping the distress criterion in the diagnosis despite the redundancy, presumably because they were afraid that it might not be clear enough that they were referring to distress while using a medical term that literally means “significant distress.” The exact DSM-5 criteria (which I transcribe here) further makes it clear that gender dysphoria requires distress, rather than simply gender incongruence.

Q: Why does it matter how we define dysphoria? A: It’s a matter of relevance. When discussing gender dysphoria in the context of the medical model, the relevant definition is the one that gets used within the medical system.

Q: But what if we worked to change the medical definition of gender dysphoria? A: I’ve see this idea brought up in my notes a few times, and it’s honestly just a terrible idea. The overpathologization of distress responses is a huge concern within psychology, and it’s one of the reasons the medical definition of gender dysphoria is so limited. Extending that definition to include things like “feeling bad when you’re mistreated” is, at best, a step backward. 

Q: What makes a person transgender, if not dysphoria? A: An incongruence (mismatch) between their gender identity and their assigned sex category.

Q: How can someone know they're trans without dysphoria? A: Many non-dysphoric trans people cite "gender euphoria" as their main clue. Others simply describe feeling a strong desire to be a certain gender that differed from their assigned gender. 

Q: Isn't that just dysphoria? A: No. As I've already pointed out, dysphoria is a diagnostic term referring specifically to profound distress. While it's certainly common for these other signs of gender incongruence to be accompanied by distress or discomfort, these are not themselves always inherently distressing experiences. The very epicurian idea that gender euphoria is simply a result of gender dysphoria is a false dichotomy based on a zero-sum understanding of pain and pleasure.

Q: Does this mean being transgender is a choice for non-dysphoric trans people? A: No. While all of us, dysphoric or otherwise, have a choice in what labels we use & which identities we claim, the process through which gender identity is formed is incredibly complex and not incredibly well understood. Non-dysphoric trans people may have less incentive to come out or transition than those of us who do experience dysphoria, but this isn't the same thing as choosing to have a transgender identity.

Q: Why would someone who’s 100% comfortable with their body transition? A: First off, most people aren’t 100% comfortable with their bodies, and there’s a wide range of experiences that exist between” complete and total comfort” and “significant distress.” Non-dysphoric trans people seek out medical transition for various reasons, including legal barriers to social transition (eg medical requirements to update ID), feelings of euphoria associated with specific traits, or simply a desire to present in a way that is more congruent with their identities.

Q: But why would non-dysphoric trans people seek out treatment for a condition they don’t have? Isn’t that like a doctor prescribing chemo drugs to someone without cancer? A: Many people- cis and trans alike- take HRT for reasons other than treatment of a disorder, including preventive care against future poor health or the potential for quality of life improvements. As of 2016, an estimated 1.67% of adult men under the age of 65 were making insurance claims to cover testosterone supplements, most of whom are cis men; the authors note that men over the age cutoff of the paper were expected to use testosterone supplements at higher rates due to age-related hypogonadism (in this case, the natural, non-disordered decrease in testosterone production cis men experience as they age). Additionally, doctors actually do prescribe chemo drugs to people without cancer fairly regularly, it’s called “off-label use.” A common example of this is Methotrexate, a chemotherapy drug which is regularly prescribed to treat noncancerous conditions like rheumatoid arthritis and ectopic pregnancy. Hormonal transition is itself considered an off-label use of HRT, regardless of whether the person transitioning is dysphoric 

Q: What sources say that you don’t need dysphoria to be transgender? (Note: this list is not intended to be exhaustive) A: The American Psychiatric Association explicitly says that dysphoria is not necessary “ Not all transgender people suffer from gender dysphoria and that distinction is important to keep in mind. Gender dysphoria and/or coming out as transgender can occur at any age.”  The World Health Organization's ICD-10 acknowledges the existence of non-dysphoric trans people with its description of "transsexualism" as "usually accompanied by a sense of discomfort... or inappropriateness." The American Psychological Association: “A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Many transgender people do not experience their gender as distressing or disabling, which implies that identifying as transgender does not constitute a mental disorder.” The American Academy of Pediatrics describes gender dysphoria as a potential consequence of being trans: “ Some youths experience gender dysphoria when the incongruence between assigned sex at birth and asserted gender identity becomes so distressing that it impairs the youth in school, relationships and overall functioning... However, there is no evidence that risk for mental illness is inherently due to a gender-diverse identity.” The Canadian Paediatric Society provides this definition of Gender Dysphoria: “Describes the level of discomfort or suffering associated with the conflict that can exist between a person's assigned sex at birth and their true gender. Some transgender children experience no distress about their bodies, but others may be very uncomfortable with their assigned sex, especially at the start of puberty when their body starts to change.” The World Medical Association cites the APA definition of dysphoria: “The WMA asserts that gender incongruence is not in itself a mental disorder; however it can lead to discomfort or distress, which is referred to as gender dysphoria (DSM-5).” WPATH states that "the criteria currently listed for [Gender Dysphoria] are descriptive of many people who experience dissonance between their sex as assigned at birth and their gender identity... The DSM-5 descriptive criteria for gender dysphoria were developed to aid in diagnosis and treatment to alleviate the clinically significant distress and impairment that is frequently, though not universally, associated with transsexual and transgender conditions” (emphasis added). 

Q: I was told the American Psychiatric Association isn't trustworthy, so why do you use it as a source? A: I've written a big post here analyzing criticism of the APA (and particularly, their handling of trans identities); the short version is that the APA has been very heavily criticised in the past for supporting many of the same positions truscum advocate in favour of today. While the APA & DSM aren't perfect, they aren't exactly the mess truscum claim they are either.

Q: What about brain scan research? Doesn't that prove dysphoria is required? A: No. Brain sex research in interesting, but the results are nowhere near as clear-cut as many people believe. Yes, there's been studies that have observed similarities between the brains of dysphoric binary trans people and cisgender people who share their identities. This is correlational research that can't be used to infer causation without further evidence, and researchers still aren't sure what exactly it means. There's also the problem of attempting to apply a body of research to non-dysphoric trans people that includes few, if any, results from non-dysphoric trans participants.

Q: How can someone transition without a dysphoria diagnosis? A: Depending on where you are, there may be clinics in your area that operate on an informed consent model of transition. Unlike the traditional gatekeeper model of transition, informed consent models allow anyone who is competent to make their own medical decisions to receive transition care. Note that this does not mean that they block (or should block) mentally ill people from transitioning, even those with delusional disorders; instead, this is about ensuring that a transitioning person is capable of understanding the changes to their body that transition care would lead to, and minimizing the risk of a crisis during a dangerous situation.

Q: What about John Money/David Reimer? Is this evidence that gender is not actually a construct? A: John Money was a conversion therapy advocate who believed that he could force a child to identify with the gender of his choosing, and that there was no point in someone identifying as male without a functioning penis. Nothing about this disproves the idea that our genders are constructed, though it does demonstrate that the process of gender construction is beyond human control, at least on an individual level. Some of the terms Money coined may still be in use, but his claims about being able to force children to identify as a specific gender are pretty thoroughly rejected outside of the conversion therapy crowd. Additionally, bringing up the fact that certain terms were coined by Money without recognizing that those terms are currently used in a context that otherwise rejects his views is often used as an attempt to poison the well.

Q: What does "radscum" mean? A: it's an old term for the category of rad/fem than includes what we now call "TE/RFs" and "SW/ERFs." It was still commonly used when the term "truscum" was coined to refer to post-HBS transmedicalism. In the communities I was active in, the term "truscum" caught on specifically because of how it reflected the relationship between the two groups (transmeds and radscum have a long history of co-operation, regardless of how any individual truscum today feels about that).

Q: Is it true that the person who coined the word “tucute” was a cis woman pretending to be trans? A: No, it’s not.

Q: Why did you remove my response with sources from the replies of your post? A: I didn’t.

Q: Will you promo my discourse blog? A: Sorry, no.

Q: Will you promo my fundraiser?  A: Please add a link to this post as a reblog or comment instead of messaging me. About the mod:

Q: what are your pronouns? A: Ey/em (like “they” without the “th-”)

Q: Why do you call yourself "transsexual"? A: I've been using the term transsexual for myself for roughly a decade, and I refuse to give it up because some kids decided they own that word now.

Q: Do you ID as queer? A: That's one of the labels I use, yes.

Q: What other identity labels do you use? A: I'm being intentionally vague about certain aspects of my ID on this blog because it's interesting to watch what assumptions truscum make, but in general I'm neither straight nor cis & I use a variety of labels depending on the context I'm speaking in and the information I'm trying to communicate to my audience.

Q: How old are you? A: Over 30 (which is part of the reason why I stick to responding to people who interact with me first instead of seeking out bad posts to argue against)

[the-bounce-back]

BEING ‘SINGLE SINGLE’ - LESSONS LEARNED FROM FOCUSING ON MYSELF

Well, hey there. It’s been a while.

As I’m sure you all will appreciate and understand, March was an extremely hot mess in many ways, but mainly due to how COVID-19 showed up and started ruining everyone’s lives, and my motivation to write has been very limited due to stress and anxiety over how the situation is unfolding (please stay safe and at home!). However, I have finally somewhat adjusted to the situation and started to feel kind of normal again, so… I’m back like I never left. We love to see it.

I should point out that this post has been on my mind since, like, late December, and I started writing it in the middle of February after I finished the Confidence Chronicles. As the effects of Miss Rona started to become even more prominent in our everyday lives, I wanted to rewrite some of the parts so it would become more relevant to what is currently going on before publishing it… so without further ado, let’s get into it.

If you’re in my age group, I’m sure you will understand and agree that there are different ‘categories’ of being single, and all these levels are immensely different if you get political and look at the specific details of them. For the purpose of clarity and to illustrate, I (personally) would dub these categories as such:

*Single and MiNgLiNg: You’re not tied down to anyone. You’re talking to, seeing and doing whatever you want, with whoever you want, whenever you want. You’re living your best, unbothered life. Feelings are/have become an alien concept to you. I respect it. Gwarn with your bad self.

*Single (but not really): You’re technically single, but there’s someone (or someones, if you’re so inclined) that you’re into and that you’re secretly hoping things will work out with so that you can leave this ghetto that we call the gAmE. I’d say that this is the category where most situationships reside in, before eventually dying out or graduating to an actual relationship. I hate this category, because it is literally the worst: everyone has different opinions on what can and can’t run, and from what I’ve seen it usually just ends up in someone getting hurt.

*Single-ish: kind of like the previous category, but the main difference is that although there might be someone you want things to work out with, you’re grudgingly talking to other people as well in case things go sour. Either to protect your own feelings or out of sheer boredom because the person you want isn’t stepping up in the way you want them to. You probably even try to convince yourself that these other people are better options than the one(s) you actually want, but deep down you know you’re lying to yourself. Sigh. A mess.

And finally, the namesake of this post:

*Single single (aka ‘Single and not looking’): You’ve completely distanced yourself from trying to get to know someone, for whatever reason. You have no interest in changing this anytime soon. Your phone is drier than your hands during this epidemic (cream your hands after washing them… please). 

Up until very recently, I have considered myself single single. This came to pass after things not working out with the person that I wanted, after floating between the single (but not really) and single-ish categories for what felt like eons. I’m not even going to lie, it hurt - but I’m glad it happened. If it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been able to write this post and share what I’ve learnt from taking a step back and choosing to focus on myself, and I definitely wouldn’t have elevated to this completely new level of confidence the way I have.

The choice to cut all romantic/physical ties off for a while came when I was overanalysing the situation for the trillionth time. I realised that ever since the age of 16, I have always been involved with someone in some way - whether it’s literally just talking or something more. That’s literally almost a decade of my life that I’ve let boys/men live rent-free in my head… Ew. I know, very embarrassing. As if that embarrassment isn’t enough, I soon realised that there must be a correlation between how low my self-esteem, self-confidence and perception of self-worth used to be and the men I’ve had to deal with in my short life so far. I recognised that the craving for male attention and validation that I thought I had eliminated was, in reality, still very much intact after things ended with the person I wanted. I almost got angry at myself for feeling so empty and worthless after it ended, because I genuinely thought that I was stronger than this. 

It’s all good, though - these past few months that have been spent realigning my focus in life, my personal goals and my own dreams have been so crucial to my growth as an independent woman that doesn’t need a man to feel whole. I had already come very far in this inner work (as you will tell from my previous posts), but having this time being completely alone definitely reinforced the things I already knew, but was struggling to apply to my life. I have learnt so many invaluable things about myself and what I want in a relationship in general, so let's get it.

1. I will - shock horror - not die if I don’t get attention.

This is definitely the first realisation I had after my initial decision to not talk to men anymore. As childish as it sounds, I didn’t realise how weird it would be to go from constantly being gassed by someone whose opinion I cared about a little too much… to literal radio silence.

This is how I know that this decision came at the right time of my life, because I genuinely don’t think I would’ve been able to cope without constant attention and validation a few years ago. Honestly, I was like Tinkerbell - on the verge of perishing every time I didn’t get the energy I believed (and still believe!) I deserved when I was looking nice. It’s very embarrassing and almost comical how much it used to ruin my day if I didn’t get some kind of comment about how pRetTy I am, and I’m so grateful to myself that I got out of that mindset before committing to being alone. If you’ve read my post about how to have a healthy relationship (if not, find it here), you might remember that I talked about how freeing myself from the perception that attention, affection and validation from men being something needed to survive in this life was one of the best realisations I’ve ever had. This is still entirely true, and not being involved with anyone has even made me even more of an advocate for this. 

I feel like I’ve discussed the importance of building your confidence to death during my confidence series, so I’m not going to delve too deep into it here. But if you haven’t read those posts, the most important takeaway is that confidence and a deep belief in your own sauce comes from within, and gradually breaking down your insecurities with positivity, a willingness to think about/confront your demons, taking the time to get to know yourself properly, and giving yourself the love and accolades you know you deserve. At no point whatsoever did I mention the approval of men (or whoever you’re attracted to). With this in mind, I can definitely say that this deep love and appreciation I’ve been feeling for myself lately has 100% stemmed from me truly believing in it, as opposed to partially based in forcing myself to believe it and partially based in expecting validation from whoever I’m dealing with.

Furthermore, I’ve officially gotten to the point where the compliments I give myself have started to slap harder than compliments/attention from men, and it’s made me feel extremely empowered and like I have a newfound appreciation for myself. They mean more for the following reasons:

* They’re largely focused on aspects of my personality, mindset, abilities and intelligence - as opposed to just empty comments on my physical features/body.

*The only ulterior motive I have with giving myself compliments is to improve my mental health and confidence, since I don’t need to get into my own good books first to off my own pant.

Whew. All tea/shade/offence intended!

All jokes aside - regardless of if you’re in a relationship, talking to someone or happily single, I’d definitely recommend asking yourself if you’d still feel the same way about yourself if you didn’t get attention or validation on a regular basis. If the answer is no, then I’d definitely recommend asking yourself why that is (and reading/rereading my Confidence Chronicles series). 

2. I’m really productive when I don’t have any distractions.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve missed smiling and giggling at my phone like a smiling and giggling idiot. I’ve also missed communicating solely with dark memes, as this is one of my love languages. For those reasons, not talking to anyone kind of sucked at times. 

However, much like cutting junk food out of your diet - it gets easier the longer you stick to it, and after some time you’ll realise that you’re probably better off without it. Honestly. The amount of time I’ve freed up from not constantly being on my phone to have pointless giggly conversations about absolutely nothing is actually insane, and before Corona came into the picture, I was extremely productive (not to say that I’m no longer productive… but I may or may not have been doing 48h Netflix binges every few days now that everything is closed). 

I’ve spent more time brainstorming blog ideas. My art has drastically improved. I’ve started to lose the depression weight I put on. My skin has cleared up. I’m currently learning eight new languages. I’m writing a whole BOOK. I’ve taken time to update my career plan. And last but not least - I’ve spent a lot of time healing and looking to the future as opposed to dwelling on the past and things that I am unable to change.

Having time to myself - especially while being in a better frame of mind than other times I’ve found myself alone - has reinforced the knowledge of how much I can accomplish and how good I can feel about myself outside of a relationship. This isn’t news to me, at all. But if I had realised how much of a difference being completely solo dolo would have to my productivity and motivation, I definitely would’ve chosen to cut everyone off ages ago… however, the timing in this case has been impeccable. Committing to be alone after going through over a year of inner work and self-healing has allowed me to both appreciate the confidence and resilience I’ve been rebuilding on a completely new level, as well as be able to take a step back and fully enjoy the peacefulness of not having to constantly have someone to worry/overthink about outside of myself and my own goals/projects.

3. I’m a really f*cking cool person to hang out with.

This realisation came long before I decided to not talk to men, to be honest. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been an ambivert - meaning that as much as I love spending time with friends, I highly value my alone time as well. Regardless of if I’m just Netflixing, writing, drawing or imagining fake scenarios in my head that will never happen (unless, of course, my book becomes a bestseller and I end up on Ellen), I always have a fantastic time being alone. It’s my time to recharge, dissect my thoughts and feelings, and not have to deal with anyone else for a bit.

When I first decided to be completely single, one of my main goals was to commit to being comfortable alone regardless of the situation. I’ve always been comfortable taking myself to see a movie or on a nice café date, but I really wanted to push myself to the next level of iNdEpEnDeNcE. I went to a couple gigs and a couple tourist attractions alone earlier this year when no one could/wanted to go, and I had the best time ever. Honestly, I was living the dream. Those experiences made me start planning the cute little solo holidays I was going to go on and restaurants I wanted to take myself to, and I was getting really excited. But then, of course, Corona came and ruined everything, so my plans have been put on hold indefinitely.

With that being said, I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss going out for cute little dates with someone I’m seeing/in a relationship with. Some of my favourite memories are gigs, day trips and holidays with someone else. But I think once I chose to ignore the social norms in place that dub doing things alone as “weird” - and overcome feeling “weird” as I’ve done things alone - I’ve definitely felt more excited to schedule in quality time with myself. I personally can’t wait for this Rona nonsense to be over so I can resume planning my art/architecture trip.

“But Liv! How did you overcome the feelings of awkwardness and weirdness when you went out? How did you overcome the anxiety that people were looking at/judging you?”

Excellent question. The answer is hard drugs and loads of alcohol.

I’m kidding. I don’t think the anxiety ever fully goes away, since we’ve been so hardwired to see people without a group as an outcast or even a threat. But at some point I just decided to focus on enjoying myself, as opposed to worrying about what the people I’d never see again around me felt.

(Also… alcohol definitely helps. Drink responsibly, kids.)

4. Apparently I have a massive saviour complex?

I think most people that have known me for a long time or at least taken the time to get to know me properly would agree that I am a huge empath. I have always been highly perceptive of other peoples’ feelings, emotions and moods, and I am instinctively inclined to ensure that people feel seen and heard after speaking with me about whatever they needed to vent/get advice about. This, because I’m obviously a huge advocate of normalising talking about mental health struggles, and because I genuinely enjoy sensing that they feel better after confiding in me.

Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say that being an empath is a bad thing - in fact, these traits are some of the things I like the most about myself. But taking a step back from any kind of relationship/situationship has made me suddenly and painfully aware that my high levels of empathy may not be based in a fundamental kindness as I initially thought. In fact, part of it - and I have no idea how large this part is - may be due to a severe saviour complex, and therefore based in an inherent selfishness. 

Yes, I know it’s confusing. Me too, I’m confused. Hear me out. 

Sometimes I get so carried away while writing about all the ways that I’ve healed and bettered myself after my previous relationship… so much that I forget I had issues I was going to counselling for before he ruined everything and the sessions became all about getting over him. I genuinely forget sometimes that I had a life before I even knew he even existed, which just goes to show how large of an impact it had on me. Very sad, I know. 

The stuff I was going to counselling for at the time had me in a very dark place, and looking back at it the breakup was kind of a blessing in disguise for my brain. I definitely think that refocusing my energy to heal from the relationship protected me from having to face certain aspects of myself that I wasn’t ready to deal with at the time.

Fast forward to a couple years later - I consider myself fully healed from the situation. I’ve learnt so much about myself, my mental health, relationships and love in general, and for a good year or so I was meeting new people and starting to think about a potential new relationship. I met some great people (and a couple nutcases) that things didn’t end up working out with, but I didn’t really mind that things weren’t going perfectly because I had hEaLeD™, and I had proved to myself that I could move on… so sh*t was sweet for a while. 

However, when I decided to go on this dating hiatus, something I didn’t expect at all happened:

The issues, thoughts and feelings I was initially going to counselling for - before the breakup - started to come back to my attention. And this time, there was nowhere to run and nothing/nobody to distract me.

At this point in time, being forced to face these issues genuinely doesn’t feel as hard as it used to, as I have grown and matured a lot since when I first started feeling these things at around 14/15. I can think about things without it ruining the rest of my day, and I can put words to the feelings I struggled so much to verbalise back then. But regardless of how much easier it is now, it’s still f*cking hard - and this is what brings me back to my point about having a saviour complex.

The term “saviour complex” implies a deep rooted need to save/help people by fixing their problems - often at the expense of their own needs and feelings. Some would even go as far as saying that these “saviours” go out of their way to help others so they don’t have to deal with their own thoughts and feelings, and the more I think about it the more painfully obvious it is that perhaps my inclination to help people - and especially those that I’ve been involved with in some way - comes from a place of selfishness and an immense desire to not have to think about my own troubles.

This has definitely been a scary epiphany for me, and old habits have made me focus on the negative side of constantly trying to help and empathise with people. It’s made me question my entire character, in the sense that the traits that I’ve admired the most about myself might just be a defence mechanism so I don’t have to deal with my own sh*t. However, on the other hand, I’ve been spending a lot of energy reminding myself that regardless of what the truth is - if I ever figure it out - I’ve still been able to help people that have needed someone to be there for them, so does it even really matter what the reasons are at the end of the day? Probably not. I really need to keep working on getting out of my own head sometimes.

With that being said, being alone - whether it’s being single or temporarily for this lockdown - really forces you to face yourself and accept that maybe you don’t have everything as together as you thought, and that’s okay. As long as you acknowledge/fully feel your thoughts and feelings instead of dismissing them out of discomfort, the outcome can only be emotional growth and maturity.

5. My next relationship is going to be phenomenal.

Arguably to my disadvantage, and despite experiencing how peaceful and stress-free being completely single is… I still want love in my life, as long as it is on the right terms and healthy for both of us. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that, at the end of the day… or a sick masochist.

I say this, but I know that all this work I’ve put into rebuilding and elevating myself will - when the time is right - bring someone amazing into my life, that will fully love my confidence, my imperfections and everything else about me that makes me, me. I have so much faith in this that for now, I’m really just chilling and going about my life and my own goals, as well as trusting the process. I feel no stress or anxiety about it anymore whatsoever, and I never thought I’d ever get to this point of calmness. It really is a great feeling to know that the next person lucky enough to be in a relationship with me is going to be nothing short of an additional blessing in my life (and I to theirs), because I am now no longer willing to compromise on or overlook toxic/unhealthy/bad vibes in whoever I end up with. For this reason, I would once again like to reiterate how grateful I am to myself for realising that this time alone was something I needed (and actually sticking to it) - it really has made me feel invincible.

The beautiful thing about all of these realisations is that you don’t even have to be as drastic as me (in terms of cutting the person/the people you’re talking to off) to get into a better headspace when it comes to relationships. If you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship with/dealing with someone that respects, loves and encourages your individuality, allocating quality time to spend with yourself shouldn’t even need to be justified. Obviously, a lot of relationships don’t really have a choice besides giving each other space during this lockdown, but even so I don’t think that time apart should be seen as a strain or a risk to the relationship. I feel so strongly about this that I’ve realised that I can’t even be with someone who doesn’t understand the importance of being our own, separate people who choose to form a team, as opposed to two incomplete individuals who are reliant on each other to feel whole.

With that being said, my biggest realisation and takeaway from this time alone is this:

My next relationship will not “complete” me; it will simply compliment my already existing wholeness.

Read that again.

Now - I know we’re all sick and tired of being cooped up in our houses. But we literally have all the time in the world to spend quality time with ourselves, so why not do so? Now is the perfect time for reflection, g-checking yourself, positive affirmations and self-love. I promise that you’ll come out of this lockdown feeling so much better about yourself.

Stay safe (and stay home)!

Love,

Liv

[calleo-bricriu]

Villains, Powerful (but Unstable) Characters, and This Idiot.

I didn’t want to hijack this post with a long, “Agreed, but...” because I also find it incredibly annoying when other characters (usually OCs as well, which is a double pet peeve) use the fact that, OOC, nobody is going to godmod anyone, to be blatantly disrespectful or dismissive of canonically powerful or dangerous characters because the player knows the other player can’t do much about it.

The “but” is that this character lost the majority of his ability to even feel fear by his mid-20s due to the type of work he does.

Fear is a generally burnt out circuit for Calleo.

His entire career revolves around being able to handle nasty, complicated, dangerous, and potentially lethal magic which also involves having to be able to handle nasty, complicated, dangerous, and potentially lethal people and both things feed off of fear so he spent years redirecting that particular emotion into calm + respect the power of the thing you're dealing with.

He's not lying if he tells someone he's not afraid of them not so much out of disrespect as it is being honest and guessing, sometimes incorrectly, that the person in question would be more offended if he lied to their face when answering.

However, both honesty and disrespect (and some dangerous/powerful/villain types would view that type of honesty as a form of disrespect) can very easily get your ass kicked and I do let that happen pretty frequently.

He also won't just march up to someone or scoff at them with, "I'm not afraid of you," but if they ask he's likely to tell them that he's not and some other characters do try to put that fear into him.

It doesn't technically work but it does teach him both that the correct answer is yes if it gets asked again and that he can't get away with running his mouth to that person so he just alters how he reacts/acts toward that person to avoid having his ass kicked again.

He's also not stupid and can recognize when someone is dangerous, dangerously unstable, quick to anger/violence, or is someone with a reputation for that behavior and very, very quickly adjusts his attitude and behavior if that person shows up.

I'm gonna drag  @tmvoldemort , @absintheabsence   and , @punybutpretty  over here for this because the way Calleo interacts with each of those three people that he should probably definitely be afraid of is wildly different.

With @tmvoldemort  Calleo knew the reputation Voldemort had, he knew that even 15-17 years ago the man was unstable and prone to bouts of violence seemingly out of nowhere, especially if he thought he was being disregarded or treated with disrespect so when they accidentally ended up in the same room after the same thing at the same time, Calleo immediately switched into completely deferential and respectful, including taking a quick mental note of how Voldemort spoke about himself and making sure never to sound like he thought they were 'friends' or anything close to equals.

In that case, it involves never using words like "you" or his name when talking to him, it's always third person (my Lord, him, his, etc...) which occasionally makes him have to stop and think of how to word something so it makes sense or doesn't sound ridiculous but that's better than slipping up, saying "you", and tripping Voldemort's temper.

He's also careful never to sound like he thinks he's smarter, more clever, or just generally better than Voldemort because that would also be stupid; when he shares knowledge that he even remotely suspects Voldemort might not know he always presents it in a, "I'm certain my Lord is already familiar with this, but in case he would like some additional information from recent research..." sort of way and stays well aware of the fine line between being complimentary and coming off as a sycophant. At worst, presenting knowledge-based things that way makes him seem like a super eager, weirdly entertaining little dog--or a kid trying to impress his grandpa, I guess.

He's also extremely careful to make sure he stays useful (or at least entertaining) to Voldemort in enough of a capacity that Voldemort will be less likely to kill him or damage him to the point of incapacitating him because doing that would be inconvenient for Voldemort and if there's one thing Voldemort seems to not enjoy it's purposely inconveniencing himself.

AND he's well aware that if he missteps or misjudges a mood, there's a good chance he'll end up dead.

However, he's still not afraid of Voldemort, he's just carefully respectful of Voldemort’s power, time, and fairly predictable unpredictability (I mean, really, all you have to do is feed him rare books and odd little gifts now and again and tell him he's pretty intelligent and clever.)

I don’t know how to do brevity IC or OOC so....

With @absintheabsence  Calleo wasn't necessarily afraid of him at first either but he was wary because, even without the ability to use magic, and even accepting that some of the more dangerous aspects of Grindelwald's personality were directly tied to his extensive use of the Dark Arts, nobody is bound to be even remotely stable or predictable after spending 40+ years in solitary confinement and Calleo had no idea what kind of unstable it was just that his first reaction the first time Grindelwald looked like he was going to shuffle his old self across the cell and grab him, Calleo's immediate response was to back himself up against a wall and pull a wand despite being perfectly conversational with the, "You stay over there, I'll stay over here, and nothing will escalate." type statement.

And he figured out quickly how to recgonize when there was something he could do to derail oncoming instability or at least talk Grindelwald down and avoid something unpredictable and violent and when there was nothing he could do, he just left when it was the latter as he knew perfectly well he could easily end up dead in that situation.

Once it got to the point that he realized Grindelwald couldn't kill him or even do what he'd consider significant damage, even accidentally, and even if he really wanted to in the moment, he stopped leaving. It's not pleasant to stick around, because when it happens, Grindelwald does get amazingly violent, but he'd also rather see that turned outward than inward because when Grindelwald turns in on himself, any progress he's made in terms of improving mental health tends to significantly backslide.

Several times after that point, he has point blank told Grindelwald that he's not afraid of him.

In FB era threads it’s more of a Voldemort situation though he’s way more open with the, “We both know you’re not going to kill me because I’m useful to you, but, if you do decide to kill me I really don’t think I could care less unless I were dead. It’d be nice not to have to do things anymore,” aspect of it, even if he never says it overtly (but he definitely got bloodied up a lot for spending the better part of that nearly year at MACUSA making almost constant puns out of Graves’ name, especially since his reaction to being confronted by Not Graves about it a few years later was, “Oh, it was a grave mistake on my part.” while barely managing to keep a straight face.)

With @punybutpretty  it's more--just pointless to be afraid of him because if he's going to do something to either make Calleo's life a living nightmare or just plain kill him, there is not a single thing Calleo could do to stop it. To him, there's no point in being afraid of a situation you can't change, it's just unnecessary stress.

You accidentally catch the attention of someone who is a literal god and who could either turn your reality into a hellscape or just kill you or anything in between, and it's best to just kind of roll with it and hope none of those rolls are a 1.

So, that's what he went with from the start.

And also, when faced with someone who's just messing with (for now) Muggles for fun, Calleo's unfortunate response is usually along the lines of, "HA! Okay, that was hilarious! Let's go find a group of them and see how chaotic it can get because there is nothing in this area and I'm incredibly bored."

[fiti-vation]

Unpopular opinion: TLC’s My 600-lb Life Story TV show needs improvement

I can never finish watching most episodes of My 600-Lb Life Story on TLC because there is always something that breaks my heart and makes my soul slightly cripple.  Today, I was watching Renee Biran's Story and literally only 15 min in, my eyes were bawling.  Studying in social sciences really made me understand the importance of knowing a person's story before judging them. Not only did Renee's social network (i.e., her family, especially her mother) failed her, but so did the school system and the medical world.

A program such as TLC's 600-pound Life Story has a golden opportunity to shed light on the ever-growing societal problem of obesity, but it fails all too often because it still ignores the fact that health is a multidimensional concept. If you have followed me for years, you know that not only do I promote physical health, but all types of health. As I have emphasized multiple times over the years, being healthy isn’t just about the physical aspects like eating better and getting exercise – it’s about all aspects of your health: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In other words, health/wellness goes beyond exercising and eating health. Health encompasses 7 dimensions; each dimension contributes to our own sense of wellness or quality of life, and each affects and overlaps the others. At times one may be more prominent than others but neglect of any one dimension for any length of time has adverse effects on overall health.

The Seven Dimensions of Wellness • Physical • Emotional • Intellectual • Social • Spiritual • Environmental • Occupational

The link between mental health and physical health is often misunderstood. They’re often thought of as separate entities, but the two go hand in hand. In fact, the World Health Organization defines health as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being.

The problem

What bothers me most about TLC's 600-pound life story program, is that they focus solely on the physical aspect of health. With respect to Renee's story, I do not understand why they did not start with psychological help first. This is a recurrent problem that I have noticed while watching many episodes of My 600-pound life story; many cases revolve around mental and emotional issues.

As stated in one of my previous posts, “the first step to any fitness goals is mental wellbeing.  I am a huge advocate of mental discipline. Most of us think that it is our body that will get the job done when in fact it is our mind. If you’re not right mentally you will never perform well physically. Mental toughness is really what will get you to the finish line. The body achieves what the mind believes! Mental limits will hinder you far behind physical limits will”.  Mental health and physical health are fundamentally linked.

The My 600-pound life story program does the mistake that too many people do when getting into fitness. Too many people get into physical health without cultivating mental health… Mental toughness is really what gets you to finish a workout when you don’t feel like it! Again here, the body achieves what the mind believes! When it comes to training, I feel 90% is mental and 10% is physical.

Although the program has tremendously helped Renee, I feel that they have also done her a disservice. You cannot ask someone who is mentally weak and unstable to be physically strong! It is not realistic and you’re doing that person a disservice.

Poor mental health can affect one’s ability to make healthy decisions and fight off chronic diseases.

The problem - Are they really promoting wellness?

Promoting physical well-being without emphasizing other aspects of health not only minimizes the importance of the seven dimensions of health, but also promotes and perpetuates the misconception that losing weight / being fit equates happiness.

The perceived disconnect between “mind” and “body” creates the misconception that mental illness is not a physical disease. In reality, mental health has a direct impact on your physical health.

Wellness is the pursuit of continued growth and balance in the seven dimensions of wellness. Too many people think about "wellness" in terms of physical health only. The word invokes thoughts of nutrition, exercise, weight management, blood pressure, etc. Wellness, however, is much more than physical health, it involves much more than your pant size. Wellness is a mindset and a holistic way of life. Wellness is a full integration of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. It is a complex interaction that leads to quality of life.

Shows like My 600 lb Story need to start emphasizing all aspects of health not just the physical part.

Heal Your Soul and The Body Will Heal Itself (Healing first)

Only once one has a clear mind can they have a clear vision of their goals. A clear mind is a healthy, productive mind.

The only way to become mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong is by healing ourselves first. Prior to an aesthetically fit body one’s mind must be aesthetically fit. Train the mind and the mind will train the body. Willpower is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. The starting point of all achievements is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results.

Whatever part of you is broken internally won’t be affected simply by getting a new body. Simply put, a new body won’t repair a broken soul. A dream body won’t make all of your problems disappear. So many people have “dream” bodies but are internally miserable.

It’s absolutely crazy how much value we put on weight in our lives. It’s as if losing weight is the secret to finding love, having more confidence, more success, more friends and a golden ticket to begin the rest of our lives.

I've seen many individuals lose weight, only to find they still have the same problems and stresses in their lives that they had before the weight loss – they still struggle with the heavy thoughts and beliefs that contributed to the weight gain in the first place. The fundamental thing that has to shift in order to create permanent change is how someone sees themselves, aka your self-image.

Happiness is complex and multileveled. And weight loss is not the antidote to the things that truly make us unhappy.

Research consistently shows that when people start workout programs with "weight loss" as their main motivator, they are automatically less likely to stick with their healthy lifestyles. And, according to findings from the University of California–Los Angeles, after losing weight, most people gain it all back – and then some – within a handful of years.

In regard to Renee, chances are at some point in her life she became disconnected from the authentic, beautiful, brilliant self that she truly is and as a result, became unhappy. It just so happens that unhappiness is one of the biggest triggers to weight gain. In essence, her unhappiness has nothing to do with the weight.  The weight is a by-product of you not being happy. If she wants to permanently change this, it’s necessary to go back to the core where it all started.

We know there are many things that contribute to poor health: smoking, bad diet, sleep deprivation, a lack of exercise. But did you know that exposure to traumatic events as a child also contributes to poor health later in life?

Childhood trauma has been linked to things like cancer, obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and depression. Studies are increasingly showing us that things like physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, physical and emotional neglect, and family instability (substance abuse, death or divorce, domestic violence, incarceration, mental illness) are intrinsically tied to your general health and well-being.

The most critical part of the problem with Renee isn’t her poor eating habits and lack of exercise, but her trauma. The roots of Renee’s emotional eating come from her childhood trauma. That being said, even if Renee manages to get to healthy weight, there is a strong likelihood she may fall back into the same pitfall if she does not deal with her emotional trauma. Instead of taking on weight-loss as a cure-all, the energy here should have been poured into addressing the real sources of Renee’s unhappiness.

When we’re living with blame or shame, we use food to soothe, stay in unhealthy relationships, and let go of all of our boundaries.  

The untold truth of My 600-lb Life

An article written by Lisa Swan for The List touches on everything discussed above. In her article Swan acknowledges that many of the participants on the show have experiences some sort of childhood trauma.

If you've ever watched the TV show Intervention, you know about the clear link between childhood trauma and addiction to drugs and alcohol. My 600-lb Life shows that it's the same deal with food addiction, which is what the participants all appear to be afflicted with. In many cases this is due to the terrible things they endured during their childhoods, such as sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse. Some participants were raped when they were young, and put on the weight as a protective mechanism. Others ate to make themselves feel better. For example, Ashley Reyes said she used food to cope after her uncle raped her when she was 12. "I didn't know what to do," she said on the show (via The Wrap). "I didn't know how to feel safe. So I would eat to gain back whatever little happiness I could."

That's why when participants start losing weight, emotions often bubble to the surface. Weight loss surgery has removed their coping mechanism (overeating), and that can present additional challenges. For example, it was only when Ashley went through therapy after surgery to deal with the abuse that she started to really lose weight.

Food for thoughts

Society's definition of healthy isn't very good. It's almost strictly physical, which means so many people qualify as healthy when they're struggling with other unhealthy aspects of their lives. We all need a better definition of what being healthier is. And, even if yours doesn't end up being as rigorous as mine, at least find out what your own definition of healthier is.

When more and more people will start to realize that being healthy is not just about exercising and eating healthy, society will no longer consider fitness as just an end goal. Fitness is not an end goal. It is not a number on a weighing scale. It is not a dress size. Fitness is a lifestyle. It is a journey. And along that journey, you must work on ALL aspects of your health, not just your physical health.

Heal your inside and the rest will follow 🍃🔁

[nerdinsomniac]

im gonna teach y’all a little bit of jewish law today, folks

Basically a friend of mine asked me last night if it was true that rabbis check a woman’s underwear once a month after her period. SO y’all are gonna learn today.

*Disclaimer--I’m not a rabbi or a married woman (aka someone actively practicing the laws im about to talk abt). However I have several years of learning under my belt, plus parents who will talk about ANYTHING relating to Jewish law, and this happens to have been one of the things that have come up both in my schooling (thanks Jewish Day School) and subsequently me clarifying a few things with my parents (thanks mom and dad)

Also, all this info obvs only pertains to religious Jews, generally Orthodox or Conservative. If you or a friend is a not religious Jew don’t assume they follow (or even know about) any of what’s in store below.

Let’s start at the beginning (que sound of music soundtrack)

1. Jewish Law forbids period sex. Why? Good question. thats one of the laws that isnt really explained at all, but the Torah and Talmud are pretty adamant about it. Bottom line, jewish couples are not allowed to have sex from that start of a woman’s period until she goes to the mikvah (ritual bath) 7 days after the end of her period, called the 7 clean days or שבע נקיים (sheva neki-im) in hebrew.

Fun fact? This seems super archaic, but all the women i’ve talked to (including teachers, women I know in my community, and my own mother) are pretty supportive of the system. While i have no experience of my own (I’m turning 20 at the end of the month, give me some time folks), these women and that one rabbi at an NCSY shabbaton (thanks rabbi) say that the halacha (law) prohibiting sex for about a week and a half gives couples a semi scheduled time to connect verbally and emotionally which improves their relationship as a whole, and some of them (not including the rabbi--he was speaking to a large group so we’ll cut him some slack) even said that that in turn enhanced their sex lives.

2. The Seven Clean Days

The seven clean days are essentially a buffer zone between when a woman is actively bleeding and when she goes to the mikvah. And this gets to the heart of the “checking women’s underwear” misconception, so lets break that down.

Truth: Women check to see if they are actively bleeding during the 7 clean days: While technically only the first and last day are absolutely necessary (so if you miss a day in the middle it’s okay), most women check every day by inserting a piece of white “bedika” (checking) cloth *up there*, pulling it out again, and seeing if there’s blood on it. Think kind of like putting in a tampon. 

Here in Israel the cloths are sold at most pharmacies, while in the rest of the world you can get them online or i assume at the mikvah or a jewish store, but I’m not sure.

False: Women then have to bring that cloth to a rabbi: Women are trusted and expected to check the cloth themselves and decide for themselves if the cloth is clean of blood. What women DO bring the cloth to a rabbi for is if they’re not sure. The blood or discharge that negates a clean day is red or dark brown, ie a sign that you’re still actively bleeding. Because (as any menstruating woman knows) your period and vaginal discharge can be any of several colors, it is at times hard to tell if the color is indicative of active bleeding and therefore you have to start the count to seven over again, or if its old blood or non-blood discharge and you can keep the count going from where you are.

False: If you have a question about whether or not your cloth is “clean”, you must take it to a male rabbi: so this one is actually a bit of a controversy within the Jewish community, but many people hold by yoatzot halacha (literally law advisors), women who are trained in matters of family law and handles these kinds of questions. there are also other programs in communities in major cities whereby women facilitate anonymous period questions and checks on behalf of other women, like Nili does in my hometown of Chicago. here’s the link to their hotline: https://www.torahchicago.org/nili-hotline.html.

3. The Mikvah

I realize I already got to the part where I answered my friend’s question, but since i hope I still have your attention, lets finish the story so to speak.

I’ll start off this way--aside from people scared about being naked in front of someone they don’t know or embarrassed to know that anyone they meet in the mikvah waiting room is probably going to be having sex that night, and knows that you’re probably gonna have sex that night, I’ve never heard about a complaint about the mikvah.

The entire operation is built like a private spa. Most appointments are scheduled far enough apart to maintain the women’s privacy, the idea being that ideally they won’t see anyone but the receptionist and the mikvah lady (I’ll explain later) before they go in. Women first are taken to a bathroom with a bath or shower, because before going into the mikvah, you gotta be clean. There are fancy soaps and shampoos, shavers, and nail polish remover (gotta take off the nail polish before you go in). Most places have fluffy towels and nice bathrobes and the like, but it really depends on where you are. When you’re done bathing, there’s usually a way to call to the receptionist to let her know that you’re ready to go in.

Soon after, the mikvah lady will come and lead you to the mikvah itself. Her job is to make sure that when you go in that every inch of you (including every strand of your hair) goes underwater. Most women turn around while you undress and only turn around again when you’re in the water, as a measure of maintaining as much privacy as possible. you then dunk, say the blessing, dunk again, say another, optional blessing, and then either get out or dunk another 1-5 times, depending on your mother’s traditions (or whoever taught you)

SUPER SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: If being naked in front of a stranger triggers trauma or extreme anxiety, talk to both a rabbi and the mikvah lady. There is a way for you to dunk without supervision (which the mikvah lady should know about and be able to teach you how to do) and the mikvah lady MUST leave and let you dunk on your own if you ask. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH COMES FIRST!!!!!

Welp thats the end of our overview. There’s a lot more to get into here (like what exactly makes a mikvah a mikvah, the more spiritual aspect of this commandment, etc), but the goal of this post was mostly to avoid the misconception my friend, a Jewish high schooler in the same Jewish school i went to had. If any rabbis or learned women want to add or correct anything ive just said, please do... like i said in my disclaimer I’m not the most knowledgable about this subject, being that its laws do not yet pertain to me.

[frazzledontoast-blog]

Fasting for brain health?

Giving up eating? No? Not even for a short while?

If you had clapped eyes on me a year ago you would have seen an emotionally frazzled, chronically exhausted, comfort eating, hormonal wreck masquerading as Wonder Woman. Cape on, I seamlessly juggled my career, home, husband, dogs, chickens, and kids (in no particular order) whilst finding time to prepare great meals and get to the gym.  Just check out my social media, it must be true. Reality was, as soon as I came home and hung up my cape, I felt more like a car crash happening in slow motion. 

To cut a long story short, I ended up committing to a 30 day nutritional re-boot programme, part of which involved starving myself a day a week, sorry, fasting. I’m sure like anyone else who has dabbled with intermittent fasting, I assumed it was a sneaky way to cut calories. And yes, there is some truth in that - over time people who intermittently fast reduce calorie intake by 20-30% and don’t tend to ‘over feed’ on non-fasting days (in addition to feeling unbearably smug the next day).

But as it turns out, after a few weeks on this new regime, I started to feel a certain clarity, the fog in my head lifted, I felt a little sparkly, I might even go as far as to say I was feeling like myself again. My perspective returned, I stopped being a domestic martyr and wrestled back some me time, the dogs weren’t walking on egg shells and my family started to breathe again.

So what do we really know about the effects of intermittent fasting on the mind and body? Can I attribute part of my rehab to IF? Actually, what is intermittent fasting exactly?

IF is defined as the rhythmic disruption to the flow of calories into your metabolism - we need to remember that a calorie is a measure of the energy, not the nutritional, content of our food. And its a really popular lifestyle choice in 2018, there are 35 IF Facebook groups alone!  Some people practice alternate day fasting (eating less than 500 calories every other day), some people advocate periodic fasting (at least five consecutive days of consuming water or a fasting mimicking diet) but time restricted feeding (eating confined to an eight hour window or less every day) is gaining ground as an eminently less scary way to get all the health benefits and still be able to function in modern life.

Without doubt, our ancestors had a sporadic access to food throughout their lives that depended on their foraging skills and hunting prowess.  As a result, over hundreds of thousands of years, our physiology evolved such that our mental and physical performance remained unaffected by fasting. It would seem that hunger is indeed just a feeling, not an emergency!

However, before we go any further, you may be in need of an old school, Biology lesson.  When you eat a meal, the carbs, fats and proteins are broken down into simpler units by your digestive system and fibre is digested by the bacteria in your gut.  These simpler units - the amino acids, glucose, fructose and fatty acids - pass in to your bloodstream and this nutrient rich blood heads off to your liver. Some of the glucose is stored as glycogen and some remains in the blood to be used by muscle and brain cells for energy. Fructose is converted to fat, packaged up and released back into the bloodstream. 

Your pancreas senses a high blood sugar concentration (all that glucose) and releases insulin which activates your cells to use up the glucose. Insulin also activates fat cells (adipose tissue) to store the fat. Between meals, glucose and insulin levels drop and fat cells release fatty acids into your blood to be used as an energy source by your cells, in particular, muscle cells. However, these fatty acids cannot cross the blood-brain barrier and so are of no use to your brain cells or neurons. Your liver comes to the rescue, converting fatty acids to ketone bodies which can be used by neurons in the brain as an energy source. 

Approximately 12 hours after eating glucose and glycogen stores are depleted and the body starts to rely on fatty acids and ketones for energy.  Your body is now in a fasted state.

And this is when the magic starts to happen. There is reliable evidence from both rodent and human studies that IF practised over the medium to long term can prevent, and even reverse, all aspects of metabolic syndrome - that includes abdominal adioposity, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes and stroke.  That in itself would be good reason to take a serious look at IF, but it is the incredible benefits for brain health that are even more exciting - and this is why I am a convert.

In the fasted state, once the glucose and glycogen has been used up, your cells become stressed which has been proven to cause them to make changes that result in them becoming more resilient, DNA repair is enhanced and they focus on getting their housekeeping done (this is called autophagy). This is the important part because autophagy is the process by which the 30 trillion cells in our body round up toxins, pathogens, junk protein and damaged organelles - essentially they get round to doing their recycling, clearing out the junk and they end up becoming far more efficient.

Specifically though, your brain is benefitting most. Putting your neurons under stress by disrupting their nutrient supply also leads to significantly elevated levels of BDNF (Brain Derived Neurotrophic Factor) which is responsible for the growth and survival of adult neurons and the regeneration of damaged ones. And to cap it all, BDNF prevents age related alterations in serotonin and dopamine levels as well. 

Giving up eating will literally improve your ability to focus on tasks, learn faster and remember more.  You will be happier, sleep better and be in a great mood - that would be the unshakeable smugness you radiate when you break your fast.

IF is more effective at slowing down ageing and disease than the use of supplemental vitamins, minerals and antioxidants (such as vitamins C and E). In fact, the supplementation of vitamins C and E during fasting actually overrides all the benefits of IF - it would seem that cells don’t respond by increasing their natural defences if you help them out and they don’t improve their insulin sensitivity.  They need to experience mild stresses to perform at optimal.  

Now the reversing ageing bit makes everyone’s ears prick up! 

One of the most important organelles in your cell are your mitochondria which are essentially your powerhouses. They provide you with energy but one of the byproducts are free radicals. These are highly reactive, destructive little molecules that attack anything and everything, including our DNA and the mitochondria themselves, and the accumulated damage is a primary factor in ageing. And, as you might have already surmised, our neurons have an awful lot of mitochondria because they need to generate a lot of energy which makes them particularly susceptible - we know for a fact that mitochondrial dysfunction is involved in both Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. 

Our cells naturally produce antioxidants (and they are provided courtesy of a balanced diet) which mop up and neutralise excess free radicals, and the key here is excess. Life is never black and white, and this applies to free radicals. In low to moderate concentrations, free radicals are a useful weapon against invading microbes and play a vital role in cellular communications. However, a natural consequence of ageing is that the free radical damage builds due to producing fewer antioxidants and the decline of our housekeeping systems, amongst other reasons. Evidence suggests that ramping up autophagy through IF targets damaged mitochondria and their new replacements are more efficient, less prone to produce free radicals, and ageing is slowed.

Finally though, this post wouldn’t be complete without briefly visiting the news last year that IF has been shown to completely reverse diabetes in mice and similarly promising results have been seen in small scale human trials. 

Diabetes is an insulin problem, not a glucose one.  Insulin is a hormone that signals to cells to take up glucose from the blood stream by binding to receptors on the surface of the cells, essentially opening the gates. In type 1 diabetes, the immune system mistakenly targets and destroys insulin producing beta-cells in the pancreas. In type 2 diabetes, cells lose their sensitivity to insulin, their insulin receptors stop working, and the pancreas stops producing insulin. Either way, cells are unable to take up glucose and metabolise it to provide energy.  

During fasting periods in the mice trials, the pancreas shrunk, autophagy kicked in and damaged beta-cells that were not producing insulin were removed. Remarkably though, after several cycles of fasting and feeding, the beta-cells regenerated, insulin sensitivity improved leading to a significant decrease in blood sugar and nearly normal insulin production resumed. IF had initiated healthy regrowth of the pancreas  - it was back in working order. Simply astonishing that there might be a drug free solution for diabetics, given the huge problem it is becoming in the UK.

Clearly the science holds up, the question is, is IF for you? 

Firstly, it is not just about meal skipping. The easiest way to start is probably time restricted feeding - eating from midday to 8pm and then fasting for 16 hours everyday. You need to consider how you are going to break your fast as planning a balanced nutritious meal is imperative. You won’t reap the benefits if you continue to fill yourself up on high calorie, nutritionally bankrupt, processed food. And make sure you drink plenty of water to keep yourself hydrated. 

I fast for 24-36 hours once a week. Usually that involves having supper on Thursday evening and then fasting through Friday until I break my fast on a Saturday morning with a fully balanced, probiotic shake. During the fasting day I support my body with a botanical based tonic, herbal teas and lots of water. It’s not that scary, honest!

Secondly, be sensible. You shouldn’t be considering fasting if you are pregnant or if you think it might lead you down a path to disordered eating. And don’t set yourself up to fail! It is much harder to make any sort of lifestyle change if you don’t have the support of your family, so get them on board before you start. There is lots of good advice out there, you are sure to find something that works for you.

[mosesbor-blog]

ENVIRONMENTAL RESOURCES.

PART 1: TRUTH AND RECONCILIATION AND SUSTAINABILITY

UN’s sustainability goal of reduced inequalities aims to reduce inequality within and among countries. This goes hand in hand with Canada’s Truth and Reconciliation Committee that aims to rid the inequalities between aboriginals and non-aboriginals due to past attempts at assimilation through cultural genocide and the history residential schools in the past that was created to make the first nation community in Canada to let go of their culture and beliefs. Moreover, The UN’s sustainability goals of good health and well being and no poverty mirrors the Truth and Reconciliation committees’ agenda of eradicating extreme poverty within the first nations community and making sure they can access health care and other basic life necessities that will allow them to live a comfortable life. When it comes to well-being, the truth and Reconciliation committee sheds light on empowering indigenous women who have been subjected to a lot of gender focused violence including rape, kidnappings and homicides across Canada in order to end the violence against aboriginal women. UN’s goals of peace and justice also aligns itself with TRC’s goals of reconciliation regarding the injustices that faced by the aboriginal community. However, for this reconciliation to happen justice needs to be provided. As stated by TRC “Without truth, justice and healing there can be no reconciliation” We therefore can see how the truth and reconciliation in Canada can be achieved in relation to UN’s sustainable development goals.

  PART 2: WATCH

Question 1

The talks made me think about how much of importance certain species are to the environment even though they are perceived as otherwise in the society. With vultures we see how they are a species that is seen as unworthy and grotesque when reality is that they keep the environment clean and prevent spread of diseases. Without them the environment would be in turmoil. The talks also made me think about how plants communicate with each other at a much more complex level than what we perceive. We see how the paper birch and douglas fir had a 2-way communication through a connection of underground root systems that enabled them to transfer Carbon dioxide when one tree species was denied of carbon dioxide.

Question 2

I would say that the aspect of nature and biodiversity that is the most important protects is our forests and plant cover. This is because plants play such an important role in our environment. They benefit the ecosystem by providing oxygen for organisms to survive, able to reduce pollution by absorbing the carbon dioxide, they are the basis of most food webs, provide shelter to birds, animals and insects, prevent soil erosion and provide wood fruits and medicines as well

The most important way that we can protect our forests and plants is by educating ourselves and others on its importance and making sure people and society understands how vital plants and forests are for the survival of the ecosystem.

 PART 3: ACTION

Question 1 and 2

I decided to spend my time in nature just as spring was about to set in and I did this at the forks. I sat by one of the benches overlooking the river and just watched how the ice started to melt up and you could finally see some patches of water where ice was. I saw a couple of birds flying about and I could smell the spring fresh air settle in, and the sun was out, and I could feel its warmth on my face. This period made me feel calm and at peace with the nature I was surrounded by and it made me grateful that I could sit back and just enjoy the environment without any distractions.

Question 3

During the jack frost challenge activity in class I would say I enjoyed the opportunity to just be outdoors, the thing that would have made it better for me is if I had more information on what to expect. In future I would love to go bird watching but overall, I loved the experience and it was lovely to be part of it.

PART 4: IN CLASS BLOG QUESTIONS

Human environment connections

Spending more time outdoors and indulging in outdoor activities that involve interacting with the environment around you is one of the major ways that promotes human connection to nature.

Isolating ourselves from outdoor activities or interaction with the environment and allowing the interference of technology or the modern world to get in the way of having a few moments in the environment is one of the ways we can create a disconnection from nature.

By alienating ourselves from nature we tend to diminish the use of many of our senses. We also end up not having an interest in protecting it and we forget how important it is to our lives in terms of food sources, our climate and quality of life.

World views

My environmental ethics lie with bio centrism as I hold the ethical perspective that all life deserves equal moral consideration or has equal moral standing. I therefore believe that all organisms in our ecosystem that include human beings, animals and plants should have equal moral standing subjected to each one of them as they are all important to the ecosystem.

Wild spaces

Yes, parks can meet its dual mandate of access and protection. This can be done by enforcing rules that would minimize human contact with plants and animals and designating areas for human activities in order to minimize disruption of the ecosystem. These are just some of the ways that this can be achieved in Wapsuk national park.

   PART 5: LISTEN

Slow movement

3 challenges

Making that shift from the fast-paced life and own shifting to slow one can be hard to adjust to especially if most of your life was based on a fast-paced way of life, changing your mindset and attitude, rethinking your priorities and rethinking the way you approach life in entirety.

3 opportunities

Re-connection to food, people and the natural environment  helps to preserve natural resources, strengthen communities and increase our physical and mental health and well being, the opportunity to become part of local life and to connect to a place and its people through slow travel, you are able to develop values and ethics that will enable them to live a joyous life in the slow lane.

PART 6: ACTION

a.       The chemicals I investigated from my personal care products (facial moisturizer, hair oil and body wash) included liquidum, stearic acid and cetrimonium chloride. According to the product guide from environmental working group liquidum ranked as good while stearic acid and cetrimonium chloride ranked as fair.

b.       During my one week of purchase I ate out 3 days of that week which included food I ordered. The cost of this was higher as compared to the days I cooked at home. For beverages I consumed about 5 liters of juice and drank a liter of water daily. The environmental impacts were at a minimum as I threw banana peels and fruit remains in the compost and plastic bottles of juice in the recycle bin accordingly. In future I aim to monitor and reduce the amount of plastic I use and also aim to make more home cooked meals in order to cut down on costs for ordering in.

c.       Most electronic wastes have toxins in them, so it is extremely important to dispose them in the right kind of way. In future I would deal with electronic waste by either giving away or donating the devices to other people who may need them or find use for them in other ways. In addition to that, I would look to various buy back programs that buy back used devices at an offer to either upgrade or get some money in return.

d.       For our household reducing food waste is one of the major ways in which we can improve sustainability. This three-step plan is what I came up with to reduce food waste. The first initiative is to shop smart and realistically by not purchasing a lot of food that might go to waste later, knowing how much you need is very important in order to avoid throwing away excess food. The second step is to plan meals for the week, this would create a system whereby you know how much food you need to prepare early enough an the last thing is to use left over to help stretch your weeks meal, that way you don’t need to cook unless you have to or you only cook once you ran out of leftovers.

   PART 7: IN CLASS BLOG QUESTIONS

Zoos

a.       Zoos role in conservation should be in research and education that will help the public understand and educate them about the environment from which different species come from in order to help conserve the natural habitats of the animals.

b.       Its ethical to keep some animals in zoos for a short period of time. Animals that may be hurt in the wild or infant animals that do not have parents can be taken in at zoos until they are ready to go back into the wild. Other than that, it is not ethical to keep any sized animal locked up in a cage for recreational purposes.

c.       I enjoy visiting zoos for learning purposes.

Food

a.       I like my food system as it is cheap and easy to manage. This because I can cook when I can and when I’m busy I tend to cook for the whole week that way I don’t have to waste time cooking during the week period.

b.       I dislike the fact that I don’t incorporate as much healthy substitutes to my food as I would like to, but it is something I’m working in the remaining part of the year.

Oceans

a.       My primary concerns about oceans is the amount of waste and pollution that has been going on over the past decades with accumulation of toxins and plastic that have caused the death of several sea animals.

b.       Educating yourself and others is one of the main ways I plan to take part in this fight for environmental justice for our oceans and water bodies. Emphasizing the effect of plastics and spreading the word of better biodegradable substitutes can go a long way.

           References

Cosmetic database. (2013). Retrieved March 26, 2019 from https://www.ewg.org/skindeep/

Honoring the truth reconciling the future: summary of the final report of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada. (2015).  Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication.

How trees talk to each other. (2016). Retrieved march 26, 2019 from  https://www.ted.com/talks/suzanne_simard_how_trees_talk_to_each_other#t-634135

Minimizing food waste. (2019). Retrieved March 27, 2019 from https://www.unenvironment.org/regions/north-america/regional-initiatives/minimizing-food-waste

Sustainable development goals. (2015). Retrieved March 27, 2019 from https://sustainabledevelopment.un.org/?menu=1300

Why I love vultures. (2012). Retrieved March 26, 2019 from https://www.ted.com/talks/munir_virani_why_i_love_vultures#t-46531

[spammerjammer]

My Story So Far

My boyfriend of over a year now (long distance but we’ve been together for several months irl) is very depressed and always has been. But now his controlling mother is cutting off his internet access and he wants to dump me since he can’t talk to me anymore. I can’t say I blame him, but this man promised to stay by my side forever. I know it’s corny stuff that all couples tell each other, but with all my illnesses he said he’d take care of me through (and has), this especially stings. I’d thought that after all we’ve been through together that not being able to talk very much (apart from frequent texting, basically how the beginning of our relationship was) wouldn’t drive us apart...

He’s told me before procedures that if anything went wrong he’d never find another woman, if we get married he’d never remarry, etc.. Him saying he wants to dump me because he’s “just a burden, will only start fights over this, etc.” just feels like he’s looking for a reason to leave without feeling guilty. When I was 17 and started my health journey, I knew deep down I’d probably be alone no matter how beautiful people may think I am. And that’s okay. But to have someone love me anyway and promise to stay by my side turn on me so suddenly like this, it just hurts so much deeper than if we’d never met and I was still alone. I thought we could help each other. He could take care of me physically on my bad health days and I’d help him through his bad mental health days (he said I was the only one that helped him in his life).

I just feel so unlovable. I’ve got a lot of internalized ableism, I know. It just cuts extra deep because I have reproductive health issues, and lots of men I meet treat me as “future baby maker” rather than someone with dreams of career. I’m not even capable of having children... and this man came along and said not only was this okay, but that it works perfectly since he doesn’t want any either.

He treated me like a queen for so long. He still does in some aspects, but it’s become toxic. He said he’d get better about his insecurities regarding me having male friends or wearing my normal clothes (shorts, skirts, typical egirl fashions), but he hasn’t much. He says he wants to ‘protect’ me from men harassing me irl and online (I was stalked for two years online before), but it just rubs me the wrong way. He tells me that because all my male friends asked me out in the past (one was literally in middle school and he’s later come out!) that I shouldn’t be comfy around him and should stop contact. I know it’s his insecurities, but I really dislike that whenever I tell him he shouldn’t control me like this he has a mental breakdown and talks about dumping me and unaliving himself because he’s “such a piece of shit”.

I don’t know what fucking trauma triggered this, but clearly I internalized the “I can fix him” shit way too deep and have no idea what to do. I used to see women in similar situations and questioned why they’d stay. But I get it now. He can be so amazing sometimes. And other times he’s just so terrible. I’m isolated from my friends and most of my family (apart from my parents whom I live with). I don’t know why I try to cover for him, but he begs me not to tell my parents about the stuff he texts me so I don’t. I have this stupid idea that I’ll fix him because I’ve somewhat improved him from the time we’ve met and that has to count for something. I truly want the best for him. I really do.

[a-woman-apart]

Old Obsessions

In the spirit of trying to write at least one post a month- and out of a genuine desire to get a few things off my chest- here I am, writing a post.

I will begin with the life update portion of the post. My health has been somewhat imperiled. I won’t go into details on here (yet), but I’m getting some tests done because I’ve been dealing with some pain. I already have trouble getting out of the house because of depression and anxiety, and these problems are being exacerbated by issues of pain and fatigue. Whatever it is, I’m hoping for a diagnosis that A) shows that it’s an actual thing and I’m not just crazy, and B) is an actual thing that is easily treatable. In the coming weeks to one month I should find out what I need to know.

The second thing of note is that at the end of the month I will be returning to the community college where I graduated from to take some CORE classes. Since most of my courses were in music, and I only took a few COREs, I have two semesters worth of classes to take. I am doing this to save money, and to ensure that when I go on to the university in the fall of next year, I will be jumping immediately into undergraduate-level courses. I am in fact taking so many COREs that by the time I am done I will have an Associate of the Arts degree in addition to my Associate in music- all before I even make it to the university. I do have to take physical education to make that happen- a course that wasn’t required by the university- but that is just one extra thing.  

I have “mixed feelings” about returning to school this fall. It is true that I got the whole summer off, for the first time in years, but it still feels so soon to be returning. The thought of being piled on with classwork all over again has brought out feelings of depression and sadness in me. I know that I am following the path that I have set out for myself. My goal is to be college-ready in the fall, but it all feels so overwhelming. I feel excited about the thought of getting another degree in the process of taking all these COREs, but I’ve been in school for 4 years already and I really feel it.

Another discouraging aspect about going to school again is the fact that I probably won’t have the time or energy to get a second job to help pay for my living expenses, unless it’s a side hustle that I can do from home. When I got on SSDI, it meant losing my Medicaid, so I now have $134 taken out of my monthly check to go towards Medicare. In addition to that, I am required to pay $38 a month as a copay for the insurance I get for my mental health visits. That doesn’t sound like a lot of money, but my total income from my job and SSDI is not very much (S/N: I will probably talk to my clinic and see if I still need their insurance now that my Medicare part B has kicked in). Adding almost $200 to my monthly expenses is no joke.

I want to be able to take care of myself. I have always known that I needed to find more hours or better employment. In a way, going to classes again (full-time) is in fact a help to me, because I usually get a Pell Grant refund after my books and classes are paid for. That extra money helps me to put a little in savings and to pay pressing expenses. I’ve always known, though, that I can’t go on depending on those refunds forever. Before I got SSDI, I had SSI, and I was caught between a rock and a hard place where I worked too much to get any meaningful help from them, but too little for the help they did give to cover my expenses. That was the summer that I had to get a second- and for a while a third job- and literally almost killed myself in the process. Later SSI too gave me a huge refund (probably because they had withheld too much from my check) and I used that money for all sorts of things, like paying off my credit card, paying a big portion towards my car note, saving for emergencies and travel, and even giving a bit to charity.

Like I said, though, I want to be able to take care of myself. Whether it’s depending on the Pell Grant or my SSDI, I am still dependent on the government in a huge way. I know the way that my mental health deteriorated when I had my summer jobs was a sign that maybe I’ve been declared disabled for a reason, but I still sometimes feel like I am “not disabled enough” to deserve to still receive services. Without government help, though, I wouldn’t even have insurance for things like my medicine, therapy, and doctor visits, let alone just having enough money to keep my car and stay in my apartment.

When it was just a choice between working and not working, 35-40 hours a week was not a big deal. I worked that plenty of times when I worked in the food industry. I would put in the hours and SSI would give me my check- that had been reduced by around 75%- and together with that and sometimes having food stamps I had a comfortable life. Now that I am a student- and have even more expenses- I just can’t do that anymore. During the summer last year I worked 15 extra hours on the weekend in addition to my 20-hr-a-week library job. I was taking very condensed summer classes as well that took up a huge chunk of my time. My dad was also starting to get sicker that summer and later in the fall someone did a hit-and-run on my vehicle. It is true that today the circumstances would be different. I’ll be doing full-time, but it’s a regular semester. Maybe I could work weekends if I really needed to and if I really tried. The truth is though, that I don’t know if my mental health can withstand that.

Maybe some people can say, “Well, you don’t have to be a student” and that is very true. What is also true is that I may never be able to rise above the poverty line and become self-sufficient if I don’t go to school. Just like working, going to school is an effort to improve my well-being and my contribution to society. The government investing in me now will definitely pay off for them in the future. Even though I now believe that capitalism is bonkers, there is some part of me that takes satisfaction in being able to say that I help feed the economy. Until we have something better and everyone living below the poverty line- not just disabled people like me- gets a basic income from the government, this is the best that we have.

Now I am going to make a total 180 and talk about something that had been the main purpose of this blog when this first started- my religious journey. I think the last time that I wrote a post about where I was with my religion was a couple months ago, when I visited a couple of Universalist Unitarian churches. I haven’t been back since my initial visits, for various reasons, but maybe one is that I am starting to agree with my boyfriend- what I am looking for probably can’t be found inside a church organization.

When my dad passed away in January, I wasn’t angry at God. I had already decided that if there was a Higher Power, it was very possible that said Power didn’t have complete authority to intervene in earthly matters. What it demonstrated to me instead was the failure of the Christian Word of Faith movement and how it sometimes hurts and disappoints its adherents. It didn’t prove to me that miracles never happened, just that they were far less commonplace than evangelists led us to believe and probably explainable using natural terms. It also demonstrated something that is obvious to me but not to many, that people who try to “sell” miracles are misguided at best, or are all liars and charlatans at worst.

I guess that the main reason that I haven’t been writing about it as much is that I’ve just stopped caring. In one post, I mentioned the quote that states that the opposite of love isn’t hate, but apathy. When you hate, you are still giving energy to a person, object, or idea. When you are apathetic, that energy simply isn’t there. This is destructive in its own unique way. Somehow, the ideas of Christianity have lost their place in my life. My family members are all still Christians, but we don’t talk about it. I’ll hear about Girl Defined and shake my head ruefully, but I haven’t put a lot of energy into dismantling their ideas. I’ll skim through my recommendations from Patheos, but no articles jump out at me that I really want to read. I can hear a sermon or see a person preaching on a street corner and feel nothing. I used to want to be able to answer every argument, and I would take aggressive or passionate people stating their beliefs as a personal attack. Now it’s all so blasé to me. “What’s new?” or “Who cares?” are all that I can manage to ask myself in those moments.

In a way, getting here is a personal victory for me. I know that when topics of religion come up, I will always have a point of view to contribute. Crafting that point of view, however, isn’t central to my life anymore. Right now, I am concerned with getting to the next stage in my life. I am about to go to a big university for the first time, and I’m scared. My boyfriend and I have gotten really serious; we want to move in together and share our lives, but we are more than 2000 miles apart and we barely have any money. My youngest brother is preparing to go to college, and my other younger brother is a supervisor at his job. My older brother and my sister-in-law want to build a house on my mom’s property. My little sisters are learning to drive and they want to start working. My mom wants to travel but needs to find some way to get the farm taken care of. We’re all growing older.

Maybe, in saying that, I’m proving the point that it’s important to start thinking about things like “eternity.” To me, it proves the opposite. It takes so much energy just to be focused on the here and now, why waste time planning for an eternity that might not exist? I do know that my dad held on to the hope of eternity until the very end. He burdened himself by worrying that his loved ones might not be able to share it with him. I could never give him the assurance that he needed, but I think he believed that God would make everything right in the end, and I’m happy for him for that. Sometimes it saddens me to think of his way of life dying with him, but ultimately that way of life was not the one that was best for me.

I am turning 28 at the end of next month. Maybe getting older is finally starting to afford me some perspective about the things that really matter. Maybe I will have that zero-fucks-left-to-give attitude that everyone says that you get when you hit 30. All I know is that right now things are looking much clearer to me now. I still feel inadequate as hell, but maybe that never goes away. All I can do is keep moving forward.

[leaflovescloud]

Late night thoughts

Hi there, my safe space. 

I’m actually a little tired right now, after a long day at work, not sure if I was being 100% productive, but I guess it’s not too bad. I guess nature cereal really helps. 

I just want to spend some time with myself, in this safe space. I guess being able to rely on this safe space kind of gave me some form of relieves as well. Like it is the only space where I can air out my thoughts without being judged, without any defensive reply, without having to be hurt / vulnerable. 

Other than relationship, I think I’m also seriously worrying about my future. I guess I really just don’t know if law is for me. I do enjoy doing it, sometimes I guess. But I really don’t see myself doing it every single day for the next few years, I know I will be worn out for sure. The amount of dedication and attention that I have to commit, it’s tiring. And I’m not sure if I would like try out in house either. 

Que sera sera. 

I will just listen to the universe, follow where it leads me. Sounds very submissive huh? Because I really don’t know what I should do. 

Maybe I should start by exploring my interest, then I realized I have none LOL. I’m just a really boring person, I guess. 

And one thing I find it a little unhealthy is that - I pretty much find my value through working harder and performing well. Not sure if I should put such heavy reliance on it but that’s what it is at this point. 

So say if one day I’m not working anymore, it is very likely that I may think that I’m unworthy and of no value, which I really don’t think I should have this kind of mindset. 

With that being said, I really hope I can find my worth, not only through work, but also from the within, I want to be able to love myself, like every single part of myself. Also, I wish I could be more confident in time to come, which I find myself slowly improving. I started to voice it out more, share my thought even though there is a chance that I’m wrong. But it doesn’t matter even if I am, it actually makes me learn better as well. 

Speaking about work, I’m really worried about cash flow as well. At least I really don’t want to be in a situation where I chew more than I can bite. I know with the upcoming liabilities / burden in my new studio and car, it’s gonna cost me a chunk of cash. For this, I really wish I can be more mindful in my spending and money would find its way to me. I guess I need to do some planning, but I have no one to go to. 

And yeah, sometimes I wish I’m born in a wealthy household, with a silver spoon and clothe with privilege. But I guess I’m not complaining as well, the fact that I’m not. I’m forever grateful for what I have, I know it must be very hard for my parents to raise both of my sister and I. They literally started from zero and no matter how hard the situation is, they tried their best to support us. At least for my time, I think I was a bit fortunate as my parents had one less burden of their shoulder, when my sister graduated university. 

I had the opportunity to travel overseas with them. We have been to Taiwan, Shanghai and Eastern Europe. All these, are not something that had ever appeared in my mind before because I simply knew we are not going to afford it. More so, my mum being so tight on her own finances, actually paid for my trip to New Zealand, just to make sure that I will be happy. 

Sure, in many aspects, they are not the best parents ever. But I simply do not blame them. They didn’t have the opportunity to experience different cultures where their mindset are pretty much still in the 80s. And that’s okay. Deep inside, I just know they love me very much even though it may not be that form of love that I’m seeking for. But I just understand, I just understand. 

All I’m asking for is for both of them to be healthy and happy. To be at least contented with their life, to be able to live together peacefully. It has been a long way. 

For me myself, I see myself growing up as well. I’m already 26 years old this year. Time indeed flies. I have learned a lot, in terms of work, life and relationship. 

For work, I don’t know, I feel like at this point, I’m just fortunate because I don’t have to work for certain people. The challenges will come when I am to work for those people again. I really don’t like when I’m being bullied by them. Because this toxicity at work place simply should not exist and should not be condoned. But things got a little bit out of control because nobody is doing something. Anyways, the way they handle things or even treat their colleagues / staff just say so much about them. And I vowed not to follow their footsteps and I aspired to make a change about it. Perhaps my vision may not overcome it all, certainly, some people will take advantage, but at the very least, I wish to create a comfortable working environment to all, where everyone is treated with respect. We are now in 21st century, superiority should not be an excuse to torture your co-worker. We should have similar goals, which is to act in the best interest of our company and to get things done. I’m really manifesting this with the hope to make a change. And I hope the universe will lead me to where I belong. 

For life / relationship. Sure, I’m undergoing some difficulties right now. Not sure if the situation is worsen because of the MCO, but yeah, things have been difficult. But I guess at the same time I am also just trying to work on myself, and be more understanding. At this point, I’m just holding on, but again, I don’t see myself with this person in the future. There is just this thing where I just don’t, feel it and see it. The level of comfort is not there anymore. Every time I am just thinking “Am I doing this right?” “Am I saying the right thing?”. Essentially, I’m just not myself anymore. 

Whatever I do, for example like being a little ‘manja’ just made me feel unnecessary, because I’m not sure what is the receiving end thinking. This is really bad LOL. I guess that’s why, I just don’t do anything anymore, because it’s not that what I do is what he needs anyway. My way of expressing love is simply not what he needs. 

And if i were to put myself in his position, I would be struggling as well. Because not able to get your desire fulfilled and basically not able to be contented emotionally. I didn’t realize how these factors play a huge role in a relationship, but now I do and I accept it. 

And I said many times, I used to think love overcomes it all, but it simply doesn’t. There are just too many factors that play a huge role as well and it’s not for me to overlook it. I was too simplistic, certainly. I would like to work on myself , but unfortunately, not with Chris. He deserves better. I don’t think at my level I will be able to fulfill what he wants. 

The day is getting closer. Slowly, it will be the end of July and it will be time for me to bid goodbye to all these. 

I guess quite apart from what I have with Chris, it’s a bit difficult to just leave his parents and brother. They have been quite a part of our relationship where they genuinely treat me like their own daughter. More importantly, they were there for me during my lowest time. It’s just difficult, because I will forever owe them. And I am really unsure of how I’m going to repay them. 

Dear Universe, I leave it to you. If you do think we are a good fit for each other, I believe you will do your magic and lead us to the right path.  

Let’s talk about my mental health. 

Quite apart from relationship issues, I think I have been healing quite effectively. Honestly, I didn’t think I will be able to leave all those memories behind so quickly. I guess in a way, going back to the office did speed up the process. Even though I went back to the office for different reasons which I shall not dwell on that. Right now, I’m able to think of the incident with a rather calm and accepting mind, and focusing on the positive side of things, i.e. I am still alive, I am healthy, I am able to move around and walk again etc. I guess in this sense, I’m truly grateful because I simply can’t imagine if things go otherwise. For this, I would like to believe that the universe is trying to convey a message to me. Of course, what the message is, it depends on what I have deciphered. May be it’s one of those things: 

(i) Life is short, very short. Live your live and don’t ever do things that you will regret one day. 

(ii) Live everyday as if it is your last. Cliche as it sounds, but for far too many times, I just thought, ‘What if it took my life that night?’ 

(iii) Be cheerful and live life with a purpose. 

(iv) Be strong and protect yourself. 

(v) To express your love, not in the way best suited myself, but also to understand from the other side, what do they need. 

(vi) What I think it’s okay may not be okay for the other person. 

Oh ya, I thought of another issue - me being emotional unavailable. I’m not sure its actual definition in real life but I guess I fit most of the criteria, i.e. being evasive and have the tendency to run away from problems. 

I guess my old defence mechanism works when I’m single, but surely it doesn’t work when I have another person to account to as well. I used to just shut down, and it helps and it works because in any event, it won’t cast any effect on third parties. 

And perhaps, I should not have the unrealistic expectations that someone, especially my boyfriend should always be responsible of my own emotion. That would lead to co-dependent relationship, which is unhealthy. 

Probably there are still a few more, but for the purposes of tonight, that should be it. And I feel so much better, like, I feel nice doing it especially before sleeping. It’s like a mind decluttering exercise. And I feel peaceful. A little bit contented. 

Lastly, I pray that this covid situation will be better soon, please. 

WC 

[the-bounce-back]

YOU DESERVE ACCOLADES!

For those of you that don’t know, I’ve finally started my dream job in London after a long time of umming and ahhing. It’s still very early days, but so far everything is going amazingly well - I’m being challenged, I get to work with something I actually care about, and I’m finally being valued as a human being and not being treated like an imbecile despite doing most of the work. Shade definitely intended.

As I’m still getting used to actually enjoying going to work in the morning, I’ve been reflecting a lot on the process I had to get through to even get to this point. I had to get through three phone interviews, trek all the way from Nottingham to London for two separate face-to-face interviews and two one-hour online assessments. The whole recruitment process ended up taking two months.

Two. Whole. Months.

Of course, I was applying for multiple other jobs in the meantime because I’m not a simpleton. I went for a few face-to-face interviews and had loads of phone interviews, whilst secretly hoping that this job would work out. After a while I clocked that I really, really needed it to - because all I was getting from other jobs were endless rejections.

Even the best of us would get disheartened from constantly hearing “no” all the time. I became so immensely riddled with self-doubt and anxiety that I almost withdrew my application, cancelled the whole move to London and was fully prepared to stay at my old job in Nottingham. However - when the momentary madness subsided - I realised that if I really and truly wanted this job, I’d have to change my whole outlook and approach. So I did, and… it worked. Obviously.  I want to share how I changed my thinking so hopefully someone else can be blessed like this, too!

I want to make clear that although I used these thought processes for the sake of acing my interview, it can definitely be applied to improving self-confidence in general, giving yourself constructive criticism and - most importantly - giving yourself the accolades you know you deserve. I think taking the following points into consideration will aid you in quickly nipping insecurities in the bud when they rear their ugly ass heads.

1. Force yourself to speak highly of yourself.

I feel like a lot of us - especially women - have been taught from a very young age to remain humble and modest, and that coming across as arrogant is immensely undesirable and considered almost rude. In theory, I agree with this - knowing when the appropriate time to speak up on your selling points is important - but I also think that these teachings have been blown out of proportion.

The unfortunate truth is that modern society literally feeds on our insecurities like leeches, and this has arguably resulted in a stigmatisation of people that display high amounts of self-confidence. We’ve all probably at some point in our lives looked at someone that shamelessly promotes themselves and been… offended, for lack of a better word. I can definitely admit that I’ve felt almost annoyed at people in the past, when they’ve entered my timeline with their businesses, creative side hustles, achievements etc. Definitely had the nerve to mutter “who the hell do you think you are?!” in disgust to myself.

Stop doing this.

As if they had a slightest ounce of interest in the negative opinions I had about the successes of the projects they had been grinding so hard for. How cute (pathetic).

I genuinely feel ashamed of myself for thinking like this now, but at least I have forced myself to start unlearning this kind of behaviour. Because if someone is genuinely confident in what they are doing, who am I to come and criticise them? Jealousy and bitterness are even worse traits than arrogance anyway, in my opinion - and confident people really couldn’t care less about what jealous people think of them putting themselves out there. Furthermore, people that allow themselves to be constrained by societal expectations regarding humility and modesty definitely end up blocking a lot of their own blessings...so I decided to join the winning team, and you should too.

If you have ever been to a standard job interview, you know that they will almost definitely ask you what your biggest strength and weakness is. I know for a fact that my biggest strength in my field is that I am exceptional at building a rapport with potential clients and maintaining positive professional relationships, and I was always praised for this at my old job. But since I was still figuring out the fine line between self-confidence and arrogance at the time, I found myself being extremely tentative in job interviews, starting sentences like:

“I think that I’m good at…”

“I could use some improvement, but I think I’m ok at…”

“I’m alright at…”

Disgusting and sauceless. No wonder I wasn’t hearing and good news back, to be honest - I feel that recruiters can smell insecurities from a mile away.

Luckily, by the time I got around to doing face-to-face interviews for this job I had already clocked that I was underselling myself, and made a conscious effort to not list my strengths following words like “I think”. Instead, I forced myself to start sentences with:

“I am exceptionally good at…”

“I definitely excel at…”

“I am very confident that I can…”

After each interview during the process - when the recruiter would call me and recap the interview and how I did - I always got the feedback that they were impressed with my assertiveness and self confidence (even if I did end up blurting out “not to be arrogant, but yeah” after most questions. Old habits die hard, I guess).

The bottom line is: you have to remove the fear of believing in yourself 100%. Because if you don’t, who else will?

2. Big up your achievements instead of focusing on your L’s.

If I had a penny for every time I cussed myself out for being 2% away from a distinction on my Masters degree, I’d literally not even have had to apply for this job. I’d be retired on a yacht somewhere in the Caribbean, laughing at all my broke friends having to work for a living. It still annoys me to this day, because I know exactly what I could’ve done to boost my final grade in the subject that dragged my GPA down. Internally kicks self.

However - I really could’ve used all this energy to instead focus on that I have two whole degrees. I slaved for four consecutive years and made it through alive and with (most of) my sanity intact. Plus, on top of that, I was fighting a lot of internal battles and issues, that very nearly pushed me to the point of dropping out.

But I didn’t. Because I’m a Boss Ass B*tch™.

I truly believe that many people would have folded if they had to go through the same things I was dealing with at the time, and reflecting on how resilient and strong I was when I was still going through it definitely makes those pesky 2% off my final grade seem insignificant - and this is exactly how you should regard your achievements in life.

Your achievements obviously don’t have to be academic; I’m just one of those people that likes to measure my success through receipts and certificates. The deal here is to truly reflect on everything you’ve done in life, and celebrate any and all obstacles you’ve overcome - and learn to do so without feeling that you’re coming across as arrogant. Because if you know that what you’re giving yourself praise for is true and you can back it up, you’re really just being confident in yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.

If you’re struggling to think of achievements, they can literally be anything - regardless of how small they may seem to you. Consider different aspects of your personal life that mean a lot to you - e.g. fitness, a hobby, your friends/family, your mental health - and try to break them down into different goals that you have reached, or are very close to reaching. For each achieved goal you can think of, give yourself an accolade.

Managed to improve your 5k running time? Accolade.

Finally got the promotion? Accolade.

Saved enough money to buy yourself something you’ve wanted for a long time? Accolade.

Overcome a mental health issue? Accolade.

Given birth to a healthy baby? Infinite accolades because...wow.

As previously said, it can be anything - it doesn’t necessarily have to be something that you can big up in a job interview. As long as reflecting on it fills you with pride and gives you a rightfully earned ego-boost, it counts. The goal is to become so (healthily) obsessed with celebrating your achievements and pushing yourself to do better, that you stop beating yourself up over mistakes and failures that you can’t do anything about and that are holding you back from appreciating your abilities.

In terms of job hunting, I often made the mistake of drawing the attention to that I was sOoOo close to getting a distinction, which might have affected my chances at getting other jobs. I don’t know why it always ended up coming up - I think I was subconsciously worried that I’d be labelled a fraud if they ended up hiring me based on my degree and later found out that I was *gasp* 2% off. But when I applied for this job, I made the conscious effort to place the focus on that I have two degrees, and on the knowledge that I got from them. I think that when they heard how mindblowingly intelligent I am, the grade didn’t even matter!

Finally, if you’re anything like me, your L’s usually aren’t even that big of a deal at the end of the day. No one gives as much thought to your mistakes as yourself - the severity of the mistake is almost always unnecessarily amplified in your head, usually because you’re obsessing over how you could’ve done things differently to avoid it. Once you let go of this obsession, and just learn to accept that what has happened has happened, I think it will be a lot easier to focus on the positives.

3. Acknowledge your areas of improvement.

Notice how I prefer to use the term “areas of improvement” as opposed to “weaknesses”. The word “weakness”, to me, means that there is something inherently wrong with someone that cannot be improved upon or changed - which is rarely ever the case.

As earlier discussed, anyone who has ever been to a job interview (like, ever) will know that the interviewer is guaranteed to ask what your biggest strength and biggest weakness is. If you’re anything like me - extremely self-critical and almost painfully self-aware - thinking of a “weakness” is probably quite easy, because chances are you’re thinking about them every day and trying your best to not let them get the best of you.

I have a method to deal with these areas of improvement that has greatly benefitted me in my private life, but I am also convinced that this approach is one of the main reasons why I ended up getting this new job. Hopefully you can use it for your self-improvement, too!

Basically, I start off by acknowledging the area of improvement. I’ll use the ones I brought up in my interview: the anxiety I get when doing presentations in front of industry/topic experts, as well as struggling to know when I should take a break from solving a problem.

When I say I’d rather die than do a presentation to senior management or take a break when I feel like I’m close to resolving an issue, people think I’m exaggerating. I really am not.

However - instead of simply stating that I’d rather perish than do these things - I took the time to consider where these feelings stem from. I definitely think that I suffer from impostor syndrome - meaning that I have this constant internalised feeling that I’ll be exposed as an impostor or fraud. Namely in an environment where I’m surrounded by experts that can smell bullsh*t from a mile away. Furthermore, I know that I become obsessed with minor details during projects and find it hard to tear away from it because I’m worried that I’ll lose my train of thought - when really, what I actually need is a break in order to come back to the project later with a fresh mind.

After finding out the root cause of the area of improvement comes what I consider the most important part: solutions to eliminate this area of improvement. For me, I was able to state that my fear of public speaking can be combated by preparing presentations long in advance and ensuring that I am extremely confident and knowledgeable of the material I am presenting. For my inability to tear myself away from work that I’m stuck on, I said that I am working on not being so hard on myself and allowing myself to take breaks to refresh my mind.

Of course, this process - acknowledging the issue → understanding the root of the issue → finding solutions to the issue  - can be applied to a lot of different instances in life. However, I feel that it is especially helpful in terms of self confidence and putting your best foot forward in a job interview scenario, mainly because it gives you an advantage over other interviewees: proof that you are a problem-solver.

See it this way - yes, being able to provide a few “weaknesses” shows that you are self-critical and self-aware, but also explaining on how you plan to overcome these weaknesses in the same breath? 

Whew. Amazing. The future CEO jumped out.

4. Make use of constructive criticism.

Although self-celebration and self-confidence starts with you, having supportive people on the same wavelength as you that genuinely want you to win comes as a close second place in terms of the most important things to have in your life. Regardless of if they are family or close friends, having people that see your drive, passion and hard work is extremely important - because it is these people that will be brutally honest with you and give you well needed kicks in the right direction on your off days.

Again, this really applies to anything you venture into, whether it’s a creative side hustle, hobby, new job, music, your own business...you get the point. Of course, whilst the praise and positivity is important as well, having those people that will tell you straight up when you need to do better for the sole purpose of them wanting to see you succeed is crucial - even when it’s hard to hear sometimes.

This blog is actually a perfect example - I always send the link to my friends + other people who I know will be honest with me in terms of feedback as soon as I post it, because I trust that what I hear back will be things that I can improve upon for future posts - and this is because I know they know how important this blog is to me. In terms of getting the job, my parents and a close friend of mine helped me with polishing my cv to perfection (mainly by telling me to “stop f*cking waffling about things that aren’t relevant to the role, Olivia!”) - and look where that got me!

To reiterate: surrounding yourself with people that won’t beat around the bush when giving you feedback on what you’re striving to achieve is one of the most important parts of succeeding in this life. Of course, you are capable to do it alone too, but having a support system makes it so much easier to tackle bad days. Usually because they’ll tell you to get your sh*t together and stop the crying.

(Of course, there are unfortunately people that will pretend to want what’s best for you while secretly hoping that you will fail. This is inevitable, especially when you’re doing big things in life. I’ll be doing a blog post about this at some point, but until then...apply sense. More time you know who these people are if you think about it.)

So, in conclusion - forcing yourself to be confident about your strengths, being unapologetically proud of your achievements so far, having an eagerness to improve your weaknesses and surrounding yourself with supportive people that are on the same wavelength as you are all imperative parts of you celebrating yourself and your accomplishments in life. I’ll definitely delve deeper into insecurities revolving around self-promotion at a later stage - but for now, hopefully you can take away some of the tips and apply them to acing an interview, presentation, first date, meeting your significant others’ parents… any situation that calls for a substantial amount of self-assurance and pride in who you are, really.

Good luck, I have confidence in you and you should, too!

Love

Liv

[amorist-onisms]

I don’t know how to be anything other than intense. I don’t know how to experience feeling too much without thinking too much. Believe me if it would make it better for everyone for all-worldly matters, I’d go set all of our previous, painful chapters on fire.

Those chapters allowed me to understand that we all overestimate what we can do for a year and injuriously underestimate what can be done in one day. I don’t want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I want to be heard for the ways I have found connections that actually should’ve United us all, reawakened the masses who oppose to any new flow of information or improvement, and would have never been so afraid of old pain- they are disinviting of new love.

I’m always searching, questioning, and coming up with very simple solutions to multiple, global humanitarian issues. Those who know me know I’m passionate about it, every conversation leads to more deeper meanings in life, and yes perhaps every single second of my life was spent being misunderstood by others and unknowingly still remaining authentically misunderstood most by what I give credit to myself and the battles I chose to walk away from.

In time I have still learned to be exactly who I was meant to be. So you all really want to know what the secret to life is? How we stop war? How we begin to become so rich in mindset it actually matches what’s in our wallets? How we handle and prepare for what’s unknown?

DON’T change. Believe me I’ve tried- all that’s done is awaken the parts of me that were already there either for better or for worse. I’m becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be and I’ve scared the world and became exactly who I said I was.

We are not defined by words— we are also not merely our actions. Last year we have come to the understanding it doesn’t take a literal piece of fabric to know someone was wearing a mask. Likewise, what you do to make a living has absolutely no connection to making a life worth living. Yet here we all are, facing a social crisis, spiritual awakening, mental health deficits because of negative thought processes that go hand in hand with the decisions we make and the people we share them with.

We pray for what we want more and get it and neglect the aspects we need. We do all we can for either ourselves or the ones we love but it’s never both, simulataneously. We work and work to achieve all our dreams and yet we seem to never just relax because we’d rather lose sleep for the notions that don’t work for us.

We make mistakes and then learn from them, yet never allow ourselves the time to be grateful for the lessons when we focus only on our blessings. At some point we have got to take responsibility for the outcomes we create ourselves without pointing fingers of blame. At some point we have to speak up against the injustices done against us instead of being the bigger person.

We are all in competition and for what? I’m in competition with myself to be the best person everyday for myself and others- better than what I was yesterday and less better than what I will be tomorrow. I have no expectations, I have my peace. I have no competition— there is no one else that will ever be a better me and I’m so proud to say that about myself. I hope you are proud of yourself as well. There are so many reasons to love and feel loved.

We are humans. Trying to control other humans, and blaming others for the actual chemically induced controlled reaction of power we truly do have control over- OUR own thoughts and behaviors.

It’s just very concerning to me that this is no new knowledge & we have let the experiences of living and learning uphold dollar signs over human decency. Respect now has to be earned? People calculate that amount of respect to give you by asking you what your annual income is not for just making it through this (excuse my language) shitstorm of a life, not for overcoming internal battles of thinking you aren’t worthy of heaven even while there was hell all around and within.

“Well that’s just life, Preyeta.” No, it is no longer what my life will be about. I will not surrender to make others more comfortable about the ways in which I rise to the top of being good to myself, my family, my friends, and the infinite, miraculous Creator of all that is inherently good. Oh— and I won’t let anyone go down either.

The key to life is simple really. The problems of this universe normally always have the solutions embedded in their being.

Understand this and indulge in the natural balances of what’s simple and what’s too complex. Make your needs your wants and feel the freedom of your soul from those temporary, necessary human experiences and enjoy what you have now— I promise you, you’ll see you never really wanted all that much, and never needed too little to be happy about the beauty of life being lived.

So how do you do this? I’ll tell you.

Just take care of your thoughts when you’re alone. And take care of your words with people. Be good to not only yourself but also everyone else.

Yep. That’s it.

There is no power struggle to be the best unless you’re battling yourself. We all know there is an explanation beyond our faiths that has our back, if no one else and even we can’t do the same. That way even in the face of competition or another war created by those operating from the ego— you come up with a way to collectively integrate and have all the power which is to love and be loved.

We are all better versions of ourselves when we are heard and when we are loved.