#listening is also getting ever so slightly better I'd like to believe :')

[misskamelie]

Decided to believe my listening comprehension is improving by being able to somewhat follow a radio podcast on a topic I know something about

[stevie-petey]

episode three: holly, jolly

Jonathan, your Jonathan, would never do this.  He tries to approach you again but you find yourself stumbling back, knocking against Steve’s chest. Hurt flashes in his eyes, you’ve never flinched at Jonathan’s touch, but what he did has changed everything.  Steve places a hand on your shoulder. “See, you can tell that he knows it was wrong, but that’s the thing about perverts. It’s hard-wired into them. They just can’t help themselves.”  He begins tearing up the pictures, and you can’t believe Jonathan of all people is making you agree with Harrington, yet here you are.

Summary: you and jonathan talk it out and things are better (spoiler alert: they aren't), you somehow end up agreeing with steve harrington ?? then you have a minor breakdown in front of the kids and once again fail to prevent them from experiencing more trauma.

Rating: general, slight cursing.

Warnings: cursing, use of the word “slut”, fem!reader, use of y/n, and description of a dead body. this chapter is pure angst, steve is steve, jonathan is jonathan, and... well. we know how this episode ends.

Words: 6.2k

Before you swing in: hello ! i'm currently in the early stages of chapter 5, and it's a loooong chapter, so i figured i'd treat y'all to this one before taking my time with updating. this chapter was a bit difficult in terms of bug and jonathan, but i promise that they'll have more time later to really figure out why they keep clashing - for better or for worse lol. if their relationship feels stilted: that's why ! after all, season 1 is literally titled: we don't talk about it or have the time. the title has immense meaning for the overall tone of season 1 (and the song for the series shhh). anyways, enjoy <3

-

The next day you bike to school alone, not bothering to see if Jonathan’s car will pick you up as usual. 

The two of you have never fought before, at least not like this. From the moment you met him when you were twelve, there has never been a time where the two of you haven’t been on the same page. You’ve been in sync from the moment you met. 

Now it feels like everything is off between the two of you. It feels as if the tiny planet you live on is now off kilter, angled ever so slightly now, rotating out of sync. The change is almost imperceptible, but it’s there. You can feel it. 

Last night just proved that there’s something wrong with your relationship with Jonathan, but you can’t figure out what.

Jonathan has never yelled at you before, and you’ve never turned your back on him; then again, he’s also never kept anything from you. While he didn’t admit it last night, you know him. He was hiding something from you last night and it frightens you that he seems too ashamed to tell you what it is. 

You trust him, you do, but the guilt you saw in his eyes makes you uneasy. 

As you walk the school hallway towards your locker, you overhear some girls from your English class talking about Steve and Nancy. You normally wouldn’t eavesdrop on such a conversation, but the girls were talking obnoxiously loud and by the tone of their voice, they weren’t being kind about what they were saying. 

“I heard Harrington got little Miss Wheeler to sleep with him.” One of the girls giggles, looking around to make sure no one is listening.  

“What a slut!” Her friend sneers.

You clear your throat loudly, making sure they hear it, and send a glare their way. “Well, aren’t you guys just peachy?” 

The girls lower their eyes and shift uncomfortably, which pleases you. Good. They should feel bad. What does it matter if Nancy slept with Harrington? It’s always the girls who get labeled the slut, never the man who has slept with more girls than classes he’s passed. 

Typical. 

You roll your eyes at them and continue towards your locker, spotting the couple in question up ahead. Your locker is a few down from Nancy’s and usually you’ve been able to avoid their gross lovey-dovey sessions in the mornings since Jonathan is always running late, but since you didn’t ride with him, you’re forced to deal with two hormonal teens who you don’t necessarily like. 

“Hey, Henderson!” 

Steve stops you as you walk past, causing you to look up in confusion. “Yeah?” 

“How’s Byers doing? Ya know, with everything going on?”

You stare at him, trying to figure out what the punchline is supposed to be. Steve may not be a massive dick, but he’s still a dick, and you can’t imagine he’d ever ask about Jonathan given the fact that he can’t even remember Will’s name. 

“He’s… dealing.” You say, uncomfortable with the entire conversation. 

Steve nods, letting out a slight hum. “Well, tell your guy that any friend of Henderson’s is a friend of mine.” He sends a wink Nancy’s way, and it’s then that you figure out what he’s doing. He’s playing the nice guy card, trying to impress her with his “generosity”, and you’ve had enough of idiotic and emotionally constipated men these last 24 hours. 

“Funny, I don’t tell my friends to get fucked, yet here we are: get fucked, Harrington.” Steve’s eyes widen at your words, taken aback, and Nancy goes to say something but you cut her off. “You sure know how to pick ‘em, Nancy. Why don’t you ask him why everyone’s staring at you? I’m sure it’ll be a thrilling conversation.”

You shove past the two of them and make your way to class. 

– 

You don’t see Jonathan for your next three classes, which only makes your shitty day worse. Not only have you guys never fought before, but you’ve never done the silent treatment either. As far as you can tell, there’s no reason for him not to be in class today besides your fight the night before. 

When it’s your lunch hour you try to find him, because at this point you just want to put it all behind you and move on to focus on Will. You never got the chance to tell Jonathan about El last night, you hadn’t had the time to before things blew up. 

You wait at your usual corner of the lunchroom for Jonathan, but he never appears. You sigh in defeat and pick at your meal, which honestly looks more like prison food than anything else, trying to figure out what you should do next. 

While you’re thinking, Carol’s obnoxious moans carry through the lunchroom. “Oh, Steve! Steeeve!”

Tommy joins in now, banging the table to get a bigger reaction. You see Steve trying not to smile at their antics, but it’s obvious to everyone how uncomfortable Nancy is. You feel pity for her, she deserves better than Harrington and his immature friends. Then again, you suppose she chose this for herself the second she started dating him. 

King Steve has never hidden who he is. 

You watch as Steve says something to appease her, but something catches Nancy’s eye and she turns to face it. Curious, you turn as well and spot Jonathan staring right back at her. They share a look, one that you can’t decipher, and you feel something twist within your stomach. 

It’s not jealousy, at least, not in that way. Jonathan is your only real friend in Hawkins (the kids don’t count, you recognize how embarrassing that is), and you’ve never had to share him before. Clearly Nancy has taken an interest in him of some sort and Jonathan, being ever the private person, has allowed her to, so you just have to swallow down your pride and accept it. 

Besides, you did always tell Jonathan that the two of you needed more friends. 

Taking a deep breath to will your nerves away, you ditch your lunch and follow after Jonathan. Screw whatever silent treatment is in place, he’s your best friend and you honestly don’t think it’s possible for you to ever be angry at him. It just isn’t in your nature. 

For better or for worse, you could never hate Jonathan Byers. 

You catch Jonathan as he’s leaving the photo developing room. He’s holding some pictures in his hands but quickly hides them away when he sees you. 

“Y/N, hi.” 

You ignore the voice in the back of your head telling you that something’s wrong, that he’s still acting weird with you, but you ignore it because you just want some normalcy in your life. You need your best friend. “Hey,”

“Look, I’m so sorry for what I said last night…” 

You brush him off, “It’s okay, I promise.”

Jonathan huffs at you, exasperated as always whenever you let people get away with things that they shouldn’t. “No, it’s not okay. You’ve been nothing short of amazing and I was the dick who yelled at you for it.” 

The two of you are walking out of the school as you talk, and you let out a weak laugh. “I guess you were pretty awful, huh?”

He doesn’t laugh along with you, instead shaking his head in shame. “You didn’t deserve that, not after all you’ve done for me and my mom. I was lying through my teeth last night, you are family, Y/N.” 

“I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s genuinely okay-” 

“Bug, I was a dick. End of discussion. I just… sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve your help, you do so much for us. I let it get to me last night, and I’ll never stop apologizing for it.”

You don’t know what to say, caught off guard by the vulnerability. “Just… don’t do that again, alright? If something is bothering you I’d rather you tell me about it than take your frustration out on me.”

“Deal.”

“Anything else on your mind?” 

Jonathan thinks for a moment and you can tell he’s trying to word whatever is on his mind correctly. “While I know you’ve always loved to help, there’s some things that I have to do on my own, okay? Will, my mom… they’re my responsibility, not yours. I mean, not in a bad way-” 

“Hey, I understand. I need to back off a bit, I recognize that now. I’m sorry, bee.” You kick at a rock in the parking lot, “so we’ve got ourselves a deal?” 

The boy gives you a quizzical look and you laugh at him, extending your hand. When he grabs it, you turn the hold into a handshake. “I’ll calm down my fretting antics and you’ll come to me about whatever is on your mind, no matter what; we don’t hide anything from each other.”

The slight smile Jonathan briefly had on his face vanishes. He pales slightly and quickly releases your hand. “Right.” 

You eye him. “Bee, what aren’t you telling me?”

Caught up in conversation, you and Jonathan don’t see Steve and his gang resting against his car until it’s too late. 

“Hey, man.” Steve approaches, effectively ending your conversation with Jonathan. He glances at you. “Henderson, good to see you again.” 

“I highly doubt it.” 

“What’s going on?” Jonathan asks, putting himself between you and Steve. 

“Nicole here was telling us about your work.”  

Confused, you look at Jonathan. “What, did you start another photo series or something?” 

Steve laughs coldly. “You could say that.” 

Jonathan ignores him and pulls you close behind him, ducking his head down to whisper into your ear, “it’s not what it looks like, trust me.” 

“Bee, what-”

“Henderson, want to take a look with us as, you know, connoisseurs of art?” 

You look at Steve now, more confused than ever, but you feel a slight sense of dread. You know that whatever photo he’s about to pull out will be bad. You know it’ll be connected to Jonathan’s behavior last night, to the guilt he’s been carrying, to the way he hid the same pictures from you not even ten minutes ago. 

You look back to Jonathan now, silently pleading with him for more of an explanation, but he averts his eyes. Exhaling deeply, you face Steve. “Show me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jonathan says, trying to walk away, but Tommy grabs at his backpack. 

“Hey!” You run up to Tommy and start pulling at the bag, but the guy is twice your size and easily wins, accidentally flinging you to the ground. 

Jonathan runs over to check on you. “Y/N!”

At the same time, Steve berates his friend. “Woah, Tommy, easy man! Henderson isn’t who we’re here for, leave her out of this.” 

Both boys crouch next to you and offer you a hand, but you bat them away. You’re irritated and confused and pissed the fuck off at both of them right now for vastly different reasons. You pick yourself up and brush away some dirt that got on your jeans. “Show me the photos, Jonathan.” 

He looks at you, hurt. “Do you not trust me?” 

“Do you trust me?” Your words hang in the air.

Steve is now right behind you. “Oh man he’s like, totally trembling. He must really have something to hide.” 

Jonathan tries to step closer to you, but Steve is now the one who blocks him. You watch silently as he unzips Jonathan’s bag and pulls out the photos, ignoring the pleading look that your friend sends your way. You trust Jonathan more than anyone else in this world, but something doesn’t feel right. 

The photos are tame at first, though admittedly creepy. They’re all still shots of Steve and his friends from the night before, you recognize the famous pool that the whole school talks about when it comes to Harrington’s parties. 

“Your boyfriend is a creep, Y/N.” Steve says, nudging you with his shoulder as he continues to flick through the pictures. 

“He isn’t my-” 

“I was looking for my brother.”

Jonathan’s words make you freeze. “You went looking for Will without me?” 

Steve says something else, but you don’t catch it. You stare at Jonathan, hurt that he’d search for Will without even telling you first. He’s his brother, you understand that, but what would you do if Jonathan went missing too?

Nancy then appears, causing Jonathan to finally look up to catch your eye, but he quickly looks away. “Here’s the starring lady!”

She laughs nervously. “What?”

Carol explains what was going on, and you’re too upset to speak. There’s too many thoughts going through your mind, but when Carol flashes you a picture of Nancy, naked, it takes everything in you not to throw up. 

Jonathan, your Jonathan, would never do this. 

He tries to approach you again but you find yourself stumbling back, knocking against Steve’s chest. Hurt flashes in his eyes, you’ve never flinched at Jonathan’s touch, but what he did has changed everything. 

Steve places a hand on your shoulder. “See, you can tell that he knows it was wrong, but that’s the thing about perverts. It’s hard-wired into them. They just can’t help themselves.” 

He begins tearing up the pictures, and you can’t believe Jonathan of all people is making you agree with Harrington, yet here you are. 

Nancy is his girlfriend, and even outside of that, Jonathan had no right taking pictures of her naked without her consent. You agree with Steve’s actions, but then the camera comes into play. He reaches for Jonathan’s camera, causing him to dive forward to stop anything from happening to it, and it’s finally what breaks you from your shock. 

You react as well, shoving past Steve to try and get to the camera first, but it’s no use. He beats you to it, Carol now holding you back as she digs her claws into your skin. Jonathan is being held back by Tommy, and all the two of you can do is watch helplessly as Steve dangles the camera high in the air. 

What Jonathan did was wrong, there’s no denying that, but you know how long it took him to save up for the thing. How many awful shifts he picked up at the theater to pay for it, adamantly refusing any money both you and Joyce offered him to help pay for it. 

This camera was his and his alone. Paid for with his own money, bought for his own enjoyment, his pride and joy. 

“Here you go, man.” Without even hesitating, Steve lets the camera fall to the ground. 

You gasp, watching as the lens shatters and you crouch down to try and piece it back together. Your hands are shaking, you don’t know what to feel right now, but with how badly your hands shake, it’s no use trying to fix the camera; you need something to distract yourself with. 

Jonathan and Nancy join you on the ground, but you’re too overwhelmed to really notice them. The combination of emotions leaves you wondering if you’re about to cry, throw up, or both. It’s only when Nancy begins snatching up the torn pictures that you acknowledge her presence. 

You grab her hand and catch her eye, “I’m so, so sorry.”

She doesn’t respond, only giving you a slightly confused look, and you recognize how stupid it is that you feel the need to apologize for Jonathan’s actions. You aren’t his keeper, and until now you never even considered he’d do something like this, and yet the guilt creeps in. You open your mouth to say something else, but Steve calls her over to join them and she leaves. 

Jonathan is still next to you, remaining silent even after Nancy’s departure. You can feel his eyes on you as you continue to fumble with the broken camera pieces as a gust of wind blows away the remaining photo shreds. 

“Shit!” A shard of glass from the lens cuts your finger, drawing blood. 

“Bug, let me-” Jonathan grabs at your hand to inspect the cut, but you pull away harshly. 

“Don’t touch me!” 

“Y/N…” The hurt look on his face is almost enough to make you crack, but the blood drips from your finger and falls onto a picture that somehow didn’t blow away. You look at it, seeing the outline of Nancy’s back in the photo, her beautiful side profile perfectly captured. 

The urge to throw up returns. 

“You’re hurt, let me look at it.” Jonathan pleads, his voice soft, with more empathy than he’s ever shown you these last few days. It’s as if last night never happened. As if you’re some idiot who is always ready and willing to come crawling back to those who discard you whenever they please. 

In a way, you suppose that you are. 

You hate it. 

Jonathan tries to grab your hand again but you stand up before he can. “I said don’t touch me.” 

He tries to grab you once more but again you pull away. Your brain is a mess right now trying to comprehend everything that happened within the last fifteen minutes. You look down at the broken camera pieces still laying on the ground, its glass reflecting in the late afternoon light. 

Those photos of Nancy… 

God, you’re an idiot. 

“Nancy is the reason you were such an asshole to me last night, isn’t she?”

“Y/N, those photos-”

“You knew that the second I looked at you I’d know you’d done something terrible.”

Jonathan is silent beside you, but you don’t need to hear whatever excuse he’ll give you to know that you’re right. Instead of telling you what he did last night, he kicked you out of his home in a guilt-crazed daze, saying horrible things to you that he can never take back. 

Instead of being honest with you, he had been a goddamn coward who hurt you in the cruelest way possible. 

Jonathan runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “Look, you know I’ve never been able to lie to you-”

“So naturally you resorted to screaming at me and saying we aren’t family-”

“I regret what I said, but how was I supposed to tell you about the photos if I don’t even know why I took them in the first place?” 

You start pacing around the parking lot, too overwhelmed to stay put. Jonathan’s words only confuse and upset you more. In the midst of your frantic pacing the cut on your finger begins to bleed more, which causes you to wince and catch Jonathan’s attention.

“Bug, you’re in pain,” his voice is gentle now, the worried crease between his brows now prominent in a way that you’ve always found cute. “I’m not just going to stand around while you’re hurt. Let me help.” 

Unfortunately for Jonathan, his words only piss you off more. 

“You’re not just going to stand around while I’m hurt? That’s fucking rich coming from you, Jonathan.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“This entire week I’ve been hurting! I mean,” you let out a laugh laced with tears threatening to spill out. “I lost Will too, did you ever consider that? And I understand he’s your brother and I would lose my mind if anything ever happened to Dustin, but I’ve done nothing but love and support you through this shit show and you haven’t even asked how I’m holding up. I mean, what kind of best friend does that?”

Shame washes over Jonathan. “I didn’t think-” 

“I’ve been exhausting myself trying to help and not once have I considered it a burden because I’m doing this for Will, for you. I’m doing what any decent person is supposed to do, and I’m not asking for praise or-or for a reward but holy fuck, Jonathan! I mean, I understand now that maybe I was bit too much but,”

You’re yelling at him now, all the frustration you’ve been swallowing down these last few days now spills out. “At least treat me like a human being! I mean, the stunt you pulled last night was such bullshit and I was ready to excuse your actions because you’re my best friend and you’re hurting, but then you hide those damn photos from me? Scream at me like I’m some pathetic fucking child because you’re too ashamed of your own actions? We don’t lie to each other.”

Jonathan steps towards you and it isn’t until he’s cradling your head in his hands to wipe away your tears do you realize you’re crying. He’s so tender, gently wiping the tears as they fall, and you feel weak against him, closing your eyes as you soak up the affection. 

“Bug…” His voice cracks, not knowing what else to say. 

You open your eyes now. “You went looking for Will without me… did you even think about what your mom would do if you disappeared too? What I would do if you disappeared?”

“I…”

“And Nancy…” you pull away so that he’s no longer touching you. “That was a line I never thought you would cross. And to lie to me about it, I just… why?”

Jonathan shakes his head, a few tears of his own now beginning to fall. “I don’t know.” 

There’s nothing else you can say; you’ve drained all your energy. A headache is beginning to form and with the parking lot clearing out, indicating the end of the school day, you know you need to leave for work soon. 

Normally when you look at Jonathan, you feel a sense of security, but now all you feel is dread. His shoulders are hunched, the bags under his eyes darker than ever, and at this moment you’re not sure you know who he is anymore. It terrifies the shit out of you. 

“I should go,” you wipe your nose with your sleeve, side stepping Jonathan as you start walking towards the bike stand. 

“You’re leaving?” There’s fear in his voice, and you can hear the undertones of are you leaving me, too?

“I have to work tonight, so I need to-” 

“Let me drive you then, it’s cold and-and we can talk more about this-”

He follows you to your bike and you feel such pity for him. You know he’s right about needing to talk more, but all you want right now is to crawl into bed and pretend that this whole week has been a dream. A horrible, awful dream. 

You offer Jonathan your hand, the cut on your finger no longer bleeding, and intertwine your fingers with his. “I want to be alone right now, okay? Please, just give me some time.” 

He wants to argue with you, you can see it in his eyes, but just like you know him better than anyone else, he knows you just as well. He knows there’s no use trying to change your mind when you get like this; when the feelings become too much and solitude is your only solution. It's happened before in the past, but never with him. 

All he can do is wait for you to come back when you're ready. 

“Okay, I can do that.” 

You squeeze his hand, like you always do, before you let go and bike away. 

He watches as you leave. 

– 

Tonight’s shift is another slow one, which you’re grateful for. 

It was just last week that Jonathan had been driving you, Will, and Dustin to school. You’d been singing some song on the radio and the November air had a slight nostalgia of August warmth. Will and Dustin complained about your singing as you wailed on, Jonathan eventually joining in so that the two younger boys could only cover their ears with their hands and groan in annoyance. 

Now Will is gone, taking the August warmth with him and leaving behind only November cold that leaves your bones feeling raw. 

The laughter is gone, and now you’re afraid that your best friend is gone as well. 

You come home to an empty house, a note on the kitchen counter informing you that your mother is at her knitting club and that Dustin is off with his friends. 

Wonderful. Your brother has once again gone off on some adventure without informing you first. What a lovely addition to your already horrible day. 

You call the Wheeler’s first, hoping that maybe you don’t have to bike around the entire town to find the little shit, but like always: you’re mistaken. 

“I’m sorry, but the boys went out biking right after school.” 

“Oh, lovely then. Thanks, Mrs. Wheeler, have a good night.” 

“You too, dear!”

As soon as you hang up, you allow yourself a moment to just scream. The headache that formed during your fight with Jonathan hasn’t left, you’re tired, you have so much homework that you’re too afraid to even look at, and you still have no idea who El is or what she really knows about Will. 

And now you have to bike all around Hawkins to find said girl, because there’s no way the morons have listened to your orders to stay put with her. 

You check Lucas’ house first, but Erica tells you that they aren’t there and requests that you inform Lucas that her lying fee has been raised to $5. 

“That’s a bit steep, don’t you think?”

“Do you wanna pay?”

“Good point, have a good night then Erica.”

You then search around the middle school, but there’s no sign of them anywhere. After another thirty minutes of nothing, you finally give in to your hunch and bike to the Byers. You’re not sure if Jonathan will be home, but your idiot brother may need you, so you just have to suck it up and check. 

Ultimately you’re glad you do, because as you ride up the driveway you see the boys circling around El. 

“Why did you bring us here?” 

“I have a better question Mike, why did you bring us here?” None of the kids had noticed your arrival, so they all jump at your voice. 

Dustin’s face goes pale. “Y/N! What-what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been looking for you little assholes for an hour now,” you park your bike and step closer to the kids. “Why do you never listen to me when I tell you guys to keep me updated, huh? Do I have a giant sign on my head that says ‘hey, ignore me and treat me like utter shit!’, is that it?” 

No one responds, too stunned by your words. You never cuss at them, and apart from last night, they don’t think they’ve ever seen you so angry before. 

“I’m just so sick and tired of people treating me like I’m some throwaway toy, just casting me aside and forgetting about me until it’s convenient. I have feelings too, isn’t that a wild concept? I mean, who knew Y/N Henderson had any real emotions behind her pathetic need to help everyone around her!” 

Dustin can hear the hurt in your voice and knows that this isn’t just about them sneaking off. You’re upset about something else, someone hurt you and he needs to know who, so he softly asks, “Y/N, what happened?” 

You spin around to face him. “Nothing! That’s what happened! None of you told me anything, everyone has just decided to keep me out of the loop because god forbid I deserve any honesty after years of being there for you guys-”

“Okay, this is definitely about Jonathan then.” Lucas mumbles, which Mike nods in agreement to. 

“This is not about Jonathan-” The sound of sirens cuts you off. 

Everyone freezes, and your heart stops. This is Hawkins, where nothing ever happens; cops don’t just go flying down the street late at night. 

You know, even before you can fully comprehend how, that it’s Will. You can feel it; the sirens are for him, the precious boy you’ve come to love like your own brother. 

Then, to confirm your fears, an ambulance follows behind the line of cop cars, and you feel your entire world shatter.  

“Will…” Mike exhales, and the second the name leaves his lips everyone scrambles for their bikes to follow the cars. 

You know you shouldn’t, you know this won’t end well, but it’s Will. Maybe he’s alive, maybe he simply got lost in the woods and has been wandering around the last three days or so. There’s so many other possibilities, an endless array of explanations, and yet…

Your legs feel heavy as you pedal after the kids. You know that, no matter what you guys end up finding, that nothing will ever be the same again. As you follow, the route you take begins to look familiar, back when you and Jonathan would spend your summers exploring the forest and its surroundings. 

The quarry. 

Suddenly you can’t breathe. “I… I can’t-” 

“Y/N, we have to see if it’s Will!” Dustin calls behind him, too eager to realize exactly where you guys are going. 

If you could just warn them, maybe speed up to block their paths, you could convince them to turn around, but it’s too late. The five of you arrive at the quarry’s edge and toss your bikes behind the fire truck. You see the firemen in the water, sloshing around for something, and you realize what they’re doing a second too late.

Immediately you begin to pull the kids away, not wanting them to see what you desperately hope you’re wrong about, but you’re too late. “Guys, get away from the truck, we shouldn’t be here-”

You’re always too fucking late. 

“Please, we need to leave,” your voice shakes as you try to shield the kids from the sight of Will’s body being pulled from the water.

Mike pulls away from you. “No, it’s not Will. It can’t be.” 

“Mike…” 

The firemen lift the raft up higher and the light lands on Will’s lifeless body, and you feel a piece of you die. He’s always been the smallest of the boys, but as the men lift his dead body out of the water, he’s never looked so small. Will is gone; he’s taken all the light with him. 

Dustin reaches for your hand and is the first to start crying. You pull him into your chest as he sobs. Lucas looks over at you, a silent acceptance in his eyes. “It’s Will. It’s really Will.” 

You grab the boy and pull him into you as well, the two of them now crying as you hold them. All you can do right is hold your boys, staring off into space as you feel them shake with grief against you. This isn’t real. 

From the corner of your eye you see El approaching Mike, and you’re too numb to warn her against it. “Mike…” 

“‘Mike’? ‘Mike,’ what?” He slaps her hand away, which causes you to become alert. He’s hurting, you know Mike loved Will more than anyone else, but he’ll only hurt himself more if he pushes everyone away. 

“Mike, I know you’re upset-” 

He faces you, a betrayed look in his eyes. “Upset? She was supposed to help us find him alive. She said he was alive!” he turns to El now, “why did you lie to us? What’s wrong with you?”

As he yells at the girl you hear his own tears beginning to form, and as you hold his friends, you lean closer to Mike and use your other hand to console him, but he begins to run away. 

Dustin and Lucas watch helplessly as their friend leaves, you all call after him but are ignored. They beg him to stay, too scared to be separated once more now that Will is gone, but Mike doesn’t listen. He grabs his bike, leaving you and the boys alone with El. 

She looks at you, tears in her eyes and a pleading look on her face. She’s looking to you for reassurance, to console her and tell her that everything will be okay with Mike, that he’ll forgive her, but you can’t. 

You also feel betrayed by the girl. You don’t think she was lying, in a sense, but then how can she explain Will’s dead body 50 feet away? El promised you and the boys that Will was alive, but he’s not. 

Tears start to fall down her face. “Y/N?”

You’re sure that when you look back on this moment later, you will have wished that you had done something braver, something more kind to the terrified girl, but you don’t. Instead of wrapping her into your arms alongside Lucas and Dustin, you give El a curt shake of your head, dismissing her. 

It hurts to watch her leave, and you’re ashamed of yourself, but then Dustin lets out another sob while Lucas tightens his hold around you, and you know that you’ve made the right choice for now. You don’t know El or her intentions, but her actions have hurt the people you love the most, and right now you have to put them first. 

You let the boys cry, barely registering anything else. 

– 

Later, much later, after getting Lucas home and tucking Dustin into bed, you finally allow yourself to grieve. You lay in your bed, staring at the framed drawing on your desk that Will had made you for your birthday this year. It was a sweet gift, having drawn you as a princess in one of their DnD campaigns with your sword and shield. Jonathan stands next to you in the picture, holding his own sword and wearing a crown, while Will and the boys are next to him, dressed in their own armor. 

In the picture the six of you are facing a dragon, but there’s a smile on all of your faces as you fight the creature together. You, Jonathan, and your boys; together, there’s nothing that you guys cannot defeat.

It’s your favorite drawing of Will’s. 

And now it’s your last drawing from him. 

The tears come slowly at first, then all at once. You find yourself hunched over, letting out anguished sobs as you mourn for the boy, for Jonathan and Joyce, for your brother and his friends. You mourn for the Byers losing a child, a brother. You mourn for your brother’s now tainted childhood. He’s too young, they all are too young to be experiencing such a loss. 

Will was too young. 

You cry until there’s nothing left within you, and yet the sobs still wrack against your body long after the tears have dried up. It’s a pain like no else. 

Then, as you’re finally beginning to calm down, you hear a knock at your window. 

You get up and fling your curtain open to find Jonathan on the other side. 

Neither of you say anything as you open the window and let him in. Once he’s inside the two of you face each other, unmoving and silent for what feels like years. There’s still a tension there from earlier, though this afternoon feels like decades ago. Jonathan stares at you, a guarded and unsure look on his face, as though he’s afraid that if he breaks in front of you that you’ll push him away. 

Instead, you surprise him by throwing yourself against his chest and into his arms. 

You’re not sure who begins to cry first, but it doesn’t matter. His cries only make you cry harder, having never seen your best friend this heartbroken before, and it’s all so fucking unfair. He doesn’t deserve this, no one does, but especially not Jonathan. He loved his brother so much, with such an intensity that rivaled your own love for Dustin. 

Jonathan pulls away a bit so that he can look at you; tears stream down his face. “He’s gone, bug.” 

“Bee,” you don’t know what more to say. What can you even say? While it feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest along with your bones, you know it only feels worse for Jonathan. No words could ever soothe that ache. 

“He’s gone,”

You grab at his jacket and gently guide him so that you sit on your bed. “Jonathan, look at me.” It takes some coaxing, but eventually he listens. “I’m here, okay? I’m here.”

Your voice cracks at the end, your own grief getting in the way, but it’s all you can say right now. You’re not sure how else to phrase it, how else to tell him that even if everything and everyone else is gone, you’re still here. You’ll never, ever leave him, especially not when he needs you the most now. 

Despite the vague words, Jonathan nods, always able to understand you, and he rests his head against your shoulder as the two of you cry. Faintly you can hear Dustin’s cries through the wall, but you leave him alone. You know he needs to process this alone, just like you needed to, just like Jonathan had before coming here. 

Tomorrow you’ll comfort your brother, you’ll bake the cookies that Joyce loves, and tonight will pass. A day must always end. This day will end, and tomorrow will come. Then, you’ll face this together with everyone you love. 

For now, your best friend needs you, so you let him cry into your shoulder and you run your nails against his scalp and whisper soothing words. Fuck whatever is going on between the two of you. 

Will is dead. The best of you, the purest of you, is dead.

-

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[georgeweasleyslostearhq]

I might be in love with your blog.. it’s literally been making my days so much better!

But hear me out this request I’ve had for literally ever and I think you could do it perfectly! So a ginger ready constantly being called a Weasley even tho they aren’t and this obviously catches the twins attention so they kinda start spending time with the reader. And then maybe George falling in love and thinking about Reader becoming an actual Weasley :]]] (also maybe molly being all like „well look at you you’re already a Weasley only missing the name“)

I really hope you get what I’m going for!!

And if not I’ll literally read everything you post it’s just soo amazing!!

i love this idea! i hope i can make it how you imagined!

MAKE A WEASLEY

Pairings: George weasley x Fem!reader Summary: ^^^ Warnings: none Notes: I try my best with every request, I took days to write this to make sure it's good, when you request something I will make sure I try my best to make it good so you enjoy it so I hope you do! I'm sorry if you don't like it, and if you really don't like it, I will do another one.

you were walking to your class when you got shoved, making you fall to the ground

"what where you're going, Weasley!" you looked up seeing Draco Malfoy, standing with a foul expression as he looked down at you

"what?" you raised your eyebrows, helping yourself up

he rolled his eyes and walked away, not replying to you

you had gotten that a few times throughout the years, it confused you, you weren't a weasley

you didn't have the name, let alone look like them at all, the only thing that you all had in common is the firey red mop on the top of your heads, although yours was slightly more washed out than the others

-

George was walking with Fred when he heard a yell from the other side of the Corridor

"Weasley!"

he immediately turned along with Fred to see who called out to them

Fred and George saw a random boy in Ravenclaw yell out again, running to a girl with red hair who certainly wasn't ginny

"didn't he say weasley?" Fred asked George who frowned

"that's what I heard" George shrugged

"well then who the bloody hell is she? do we have a sister we don't know about?" Fred wondered, fully believing his own words

"are you kidding?" George squinted his eyes at Fred

"no, c'mon he's leaving, let's go talk to her" Fred ushered George over to her as she sat in the courtyard

Fred stood in front of the girl and cleared his throat, making her look up

"hello? do you need something?" you asked, looking slightly surprised

"why did he call you a weasley?" Fred spoke up, curious

"oh- some people just do it sometimes, it's because of my hair, I've asked them to stop a few times" you blinked nervously.

you were sitting in front of two of the most popular guys, who happened to have the name that a lot of people call you

"right, because it's red. I'm sure you don't like being associated with our family, right?" George spoke up, feeling slightly insecure

"I mean, I'd prefer being called my own name, but there's nothing wrong with your family so- it's not horrible, if it's that big of a problem with you, I'll try my best to make them stop, but then again they don't really listen to people who they 'know' are a weasley" you answered

George felt a wave of emotion when you fiddled with your fingers

He knows what it's like to be bullied for his name- even if that only happens rarely now- and only by Draco and his goons

"it doesn't really bother me, we were just wondering s'all" Fred spoke kindly

George stayed silent again, letting Fred do the talking like he always did until he got nudged by him, giving him a look

"yeah- just wondering"

you smiled up at the twins, putting the book that was in your lap in your bag and stood up

"hey- would you like to sit with us at lunch?" George blurted out, not wanting to leave yet

"sure"

- you ran down the halls, George's hand holding your own as you and the twins escaped professor filch, the aftermath of a devious prank they had invited you to join in on

"hurry up!" Fred yelled out, noticing you and George slightly behind, George ahead of you as he dragged you along

"it's not my fault your legs are so freakishly long" you laughed, almost tripping over as George quickened his pace, your legs failing to keep up

you started to fall and squealed lightly when George rushed to catch you before you hit the floor face first

"careful there, Love" he huffed before making sure you were alright

you heard the hiss and the yell from the old owner

"come on" he helped you steady yourself and turned a corner, going a different direction than Fred

you followed closely behind, not wanting to fall again, that would just be embarassing

"get back here Weasleys!" you heard Filch's distant yell that got further away the more you ran

George snickered as you got to the grand stairs, finding Fred running up the stairs

he waited for you and started laughing at how good the prank was, glancing down at you and George's interlocked hands

he looked at you and raised an eyebrow with a smirk

by instinct, you let go of George's hand, making him look over at you at the loss of your palm's warmth

he watched as you and Fred walked into the Gryffindor common room side by side, laughing

he rushed up behind you both and listened as you gushed all about it

"that was amazing! I've never done something like that, quite thrilling if I don't say so myself! is that why you do it?" you grinned, wanting to do it again

"exactly why" Fred smiled smugly, crossing his arms as he leaned against the back of the red couch

"well that was just brilliant! can we do it again?!" you asked excitedly, making George's heart burst in happiness

he's never seen anybody that happy about pranks than him and Fred, to see you smiling and wanting to do it again warmed his heart

it made him feel proud of what he does, it's funny how one person can affect his mood and feelings

"well we do it all the time" Fred motioned to him and George "but you can tag along next time if you want"

"well I don't want to impose or burden you, I just think it's fun" you frowned, thinking he didn't want you to go anymore

"no, it's great having another mind to create ideas, speaking of, do you have any?" George asked

"yes! I thought of a lot on our way back here!"

-

the younger twin was used to turning around when he heard the name Weasley being called in the halls, and he was only getting used to the person trying to talk to you.

other than that, everything was great, he enjoyed talking to you, hanging out with you and he knew there was something there

he never would of expected it, especially for you, a person many though was one of his family members- he cringes at the thought of that

he wonders if you think of it the same way, if you find it weird like he does.

"George?" he turned to fine you sitting next to him, a curious look on your face as you smiled gently

the twin hummed in response, cheeks turning slightly pink as your pinky touching his hand that rested beside his thigh

"sickle for your thoughts?" you nudged him

"it's nothing, it would be a waste of money" he mumbled

"is it a girl? it is, isn't it?" you beamed, shifting in your seat to fully face him

you noticed the small blush that he refused to let you see, turning his head to look away

"who!?" you grinned grabbing his arm to make him look at you

George was never going to admit he was thinking about you, he had for weeks, he would think about you and smile

"nobody, don't worry" he sighed

"aw come on, I won't tell! do I know her?" you pouted, shaking his shoulders lightly

"no one, I don't like anybody" he denied

you huffed and sat properly, crossing your arms, staying silent

"hey?" George spoke up quietly, feeling as though you were slightly mad at him

"yeah?" you yawned

"how do feel about my name?" he asked out of nowhere

"George? I don't know it's a good name" you shrugged, not quite sure what to say

"no, Weasley, my last name" George corrected

"well it belongs to a wonderful family so I like it!" you nodded happily

George had been wondering what it would be like if you actually had his last name, he could imagine it

"so you wouldn't be upset if you had it?" he fiddled with his fingers

"if I had your last name? I mean I guess it sounds alright, Y/n Weasley, not bad" you chuckled

"yeah" he laughed too, scratching his left arm "doesn't sound bad at all"

the name stayed with George for days, his mind would scream it every time he looked at you and it threatened to slip when he greeted you

and Fred knew George's feelings for you, he could read his twin like a book and it was painfully obvious

-

it wasn't until a year later when George finally asked you out, your final year

he was planning his and Fred's big getaway for leaving to work on the shop and he didn't know when he was going to see you next, he didn't want to leave you, he needed you

over the past year, from when he met you, he knew he wanted you to stay, he knew that no other girl was going to walk into his life and be like you, make him feel the way you made him feel, made him think the way you made him think

he knew there was something there, and he desperately wanted it to happen, Y/n Weasley was a name he wanted to create for you, a name that he wanted his children to know, a name that he wanted to say aloud and not think in his brain.

Y/n easley was merely a name in his imagination, and George made it his mission to live it

he wanted to make a Weasley out of you, if you wanted

you were meeting the whole family for christmas, going over to the Burrow and spending the holidays with them for break

"Mum already loves you so really you have nothing to worry about, dad is- well dad loves just about everyone, unless your like- evil or rude but, you're not so you're fine, Charlie's only here for Christmas day and you don't have to worry about the rest" George rumbled, holding your hand as he lead you to the burrow

you weren't that nervous, George had told you all about every family member and you had no doubt that you would get along

George opened the door and let you in before closing it behind you both

you both had been at your house getting some things, making the rest like Fred, Ginny and Ron were already there, turning up hours before you

"we're home!" George called out, wrapping his hand around your waist and leading you through the kitchen to find his family

"oh, Dear there you are!" a short, stumpy woman with a warm smile greeted you, wearing an apron

"yeah sor-" George started, getting cut off by her walking past him to you

"look at you, you already look like a weasley, only missing the name!" she declared, grabbing ahold of your cheeks and squeezing

"right Arthur?" she turned to a man who stood at the table looking at George with a smile

he came up to you and introduced himself, everyone else in the room that you haven't met doing the same, some hugging you and the others giving you a hand shake

Bill started a conversation with you, talking about your interests and what you wanted to do

George cut it short, teeling Bill that he wanted to show you where you were staying and wanted to get you settled in before dinner

Bill agreed and George smiled, getting your bags

"i got them, don't worry" you shook your head, trying to take them off him, he only started walking towards the stairs

"c'mon"

you followed him up the stairs to his room, putting his bags down at the foot of his bed

"after a long talk with mum I convinced her to let you stay in my room, that's if you want, there's an extra bed in Ginny's room if you want it but I just thought-" he babbled

"I don't mind, whatever you want" you shrugged

"I better not wake up to you two doing things" Fred interrupted, standing in the doorway

"shut up, Fred, we won't be doing anything" the younger twin huffed

he left with his hands up defensively

George cleared his throat and waited for you to look at him before talking

"do you like it?" he questioned nervously

"I love it" you answered, bringing him into a tight hug

your hugs felt like it healed everything that pained him ever, if felt as though it got rid of every rude thing said about him, everything that hurt him, made him feel bad.

your hugs were something he never wanted to end, it was the medicine to his sickness that he didn't even have

"you know, after Christmas, Mum will do everything in her power to make us stay together" he soothed

"I wouldn't fight her on that"

he laughed "well you already are a Weasley, All that's left is to give you the name"

--------------------------------------------

[chronicbeans]

Hazbin Rewrite - Lucifer

I find that the show, itself, doesn't necessarily handle the conflict between him and Charlie as well as it should've. I don't mean it being rushed, either, as the problem seems to run deeper than that. He's not really a bad father, just bad at communication, yet they call it daddy issues? I also feel it could've handled Lucifer as a character better in a lot of ways to make him more recognizable as Lucifer and not just "another tragic character", while still keeping that idea of tragedy in there. However, he's meant to be sympathetic but still despicable enough for you not to care.

TW: Lucifer is both Slightly Sympathetic and Objectively a Bad Person, Neglectful Parenting, Lucifer Despises Charlie

To understand some aspects of this character, I'd like to explain a concept I have with angels in my storyline. Angels follow God's words, so many believe they know what is right and wrong, despite them not knowing it. They don't have the innate knowledge of good and evil that Adam, Eve, and Lilith have from the forbidden fruit. They can gain such knowledge by seeing evil and being able to know it as evil on their own, without God's input, this unlocking the ability of innate knowledge. However, that is a very rare occurrence for angels, because they fear that God might see them as tainted if they do learn such things.

So, the angels choose to follow God because they love Him, but when it comes to what is good and evil, they follow His words on what to do to avoid it instead of having an innate knowledge of it like humans now do. God is afraid of His angels becoming like humans because He doesn't want them to knowingly wrong one another. However, if they were to ever learn such knowledge, He would still love them all the same. He just wants to avoid the negative possibilities that could arise from it. The same went for the original humans, as He wanted them to be simple, eternally happy creatures. He loves joy, seeing joy, and creating joy.

In comes Lucifer. He loves God, only to grow a distaste for Him over time. This is because he began to see himself as higher than God and began feeling jealous of humans due to him perceiving God as loving them more than angels. He despised humanity for merely existing and getting attention away from him and his fellow angels, which is what caused him to rebel and try to overthrow God. It was a way of proving himself to God, as well as trying to take control. Once he was cast out of Heaven, he felt powerless, and tempted Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in order to have one last powerful act of rebellion against his creator. He saw it as ruining God's favorite creation by giving them free will. This is what started the fear of gaining knowledge of good and evil in the angels, because Lucifer brought the idea of that knowledge being a sort of poison to God's creations to the table in the first place.

Despite rebelling against God, Lucifer doesn't have the knowledge of it being wrong. Lucifer acts in ways we perceive as evil, but he doesn't perceive them as evil. He simply views them as actions, and due to no longer listening to God's advice, he now no longer has any guidelines to follow. The tragedy of his situation is no longer necessarily him being cast out of Heaven for rebellion. It is moreso him being cast out for rebelling while believing it to have not been a bad action, and his inability to see why it is bad resulting in him wanting to repeat it if he ever returned to Heaven. He's stuck in a loop because of a literal inability to learn what was wrong with his actions, and his own stubbornness as to proving it wasn't wrong in the first place to God. That doesn't mean he wants to learn why it was wrong, though. He truly doesn't, because his pride makes him see his actions as being right.

He was with Lilith for a short period of time, until Lilith left due to his controlling, narcissistic behavior. Then, he turned to Earth for another partner, finding a young woman who was following The Satanic Temple. Under the assumption that it meant she was worshipping him, he went to Earth under a human disguise and pursued her. That's when he created Charlie.

He made Charlie using white sand from a nearby beach, making her resemble the woman due to the idea that no parent could love a child that doesn't look like themself. This is, of course, objectively wrong and only because he couldn't love a child that doesn't look like himself. He then pretended to be a single father, letting the woman care for Charlie from time to time, resulting in Charlie and the woman getting close.

Upon realizing that The Satanic Temple does not worship him and, in actuality, doesn't believe him, he became offended. Taking it as an insult, he took Charlie back and returned to Hell, never to interact with the woman again and never letting Charlie even know about her. However, there was the problem of Charlie...

Charlie didn't look like him. Charlie didn't act like him. Charlie could see right from wrong. Charlie was nothing like him. She looked like the woman, and as she grew up, she acted more like God than himself. He genuinely, wholeheartedly, hated Charlie because of this.

Due to, once again, being unable to see right from wrong, he saw no problem in completely neglecting Charlie once she was old enough to care for herself. That age being 9 years old, in his opinion. He mostly only talked to her when he tried to teach her how to do things his way, which she never agreed with. This caused a reasonable strain in their relationship, which he couldn't understand, and made him hate her more.

It became worse when she began asking about the woman she barely remembers, being who he considers her "biological mother". Why would he tell her about some woman she'd never meet, much less one who humiliated him to such an extent? So, he lied, saying it was Lilith, despite Lilith looking nothing like Charlie's description and not being aware of Charlie's existence.

Once she moved out, creating her Hazbin Hotel, it was good riddance to her. She may still seek Lucifer's approval, but he won't ever give it to her out of spite.

[hcneygemini]

𝖝. 𝖆. 𝖓. 𝖆. — lyrics sentence starters.

A collection of sentence starters from some singles released, minus anything featured in Tantrums ( the meme featuring those is here ). Do not add to or steal this meme. Feel free to change pronouns, edits phrasing, or generally slightly edit or combine lines as needed. Some lines have already been slightly rephrased for rp purposes. tw: cheating, toxic relationships, suggestive

MONSTER

i hold your mistakes high over your head, especially when they look like mine.

i'm not one to hand out forgiveness.

it pains me to admit you were right.

someday i will be someone you resent.

honey, the pleasure is all mine.

i heard you're calling me a traitor.

i owe you a good apology, i'll do it later.

i paint myself the good guy.

i heard you're calling me a monster.

after all the shit i pulled, you could do better.

i'll do what i want over what's right.

you gave me your all.

it was intimate.

i guess it ain't your fault that i can't commit.

i never listen.

i couldn't help but feel so indifferent.

all my failures are visceral.

i still taste blood from years ago.

you ain't good enough.

i can't even be honest with myself.

how could you believe i'd do that for someone else?

i don't want that life.

i'm kissing boys in the back of their cars.

it's half past 3.

you were fast asleep while i was on the phone with [ Jodie ].

will i ever know why i am like this?

i go for what i can't have, like i'm righteous.

i can't face the shame.

if you wanna place blame, just say my name.

i go home alone and i think it's strange.

i got what i want but it don't taste the same.

everyone who's ever loved me is the enemy.

i get high on all the jealousy.

you can't forgive the infidelity.

i don't wanna be someone who lives like that.

i was supposed to be a good friend, trusted.

i snuck around with the love of your life.

after all the shit i pulled, you should do better.

HOMEWRECKING ERA

wrap your thighs around me.

i could keep all your secrets.

cross my heart and hope i mean it.

think of all the damage i could do.

say less.

push me on the counter.

call me princess.

wish i could say no, but it's hopeless.

i'm losing focus.

i wonder if [ she ] knows about those pictures on your phone.

you should feel guilty, but you don't.

i'm in my homewrecking era.

got things i wanna do to you.

i feel bad for a minute.

you make me feel so good.

i taste something bitter in my mouth.

i left my bralette on the ground.

i can't help myself.

nobody fucks like me.

i'm the [ girl ] of your dirty dreams

the silence is deafening.

do you miss me?

i think [ she ] can taste me.

i can give you what you want.

we called it love.

we might've fucked it up.

baby, just fuck me up.

i'm the flame that keeps you warm at night.

don't i bring out the green in her eyes?

you like how pretty [ she ] is when [ she ] cries.

[ she ] loves you so much, even the lies.

we're both the one, but never the only.

you get so lonely

crown me the villain and hero tonight.

fucking me brought you together so nice.

i got a taste for the drama.

i spilled your guts 'cause i wanted.

look at all this damage that i do.

BETTER KIND OF BEST FRIEND

i can see [ her ] in my dreams.

i see [ her ] in my bed.

[ she's ] the goddamn vision that ringin' in my head.

i'm waitin', patient.

we could be good together.

let me release the pressure.

i think i found my treasure.

[ she ] tastes like heaven and she knows it.

i'm eager.

i just wanna please you.

she's got me prayin'.

i could be a better kind of best friend.

i'm a fan.

i don't die for my [ women ] anymore.

i'll do anything to have you.

i swear to be true.

i don't die for my [ women ] anymore, i kill for them.

you don't need to ask, you got my permission.

lord knows we tried.

can't stay away from each other.

you know i'm a sucker.

watch as i swallow my pride.

i wanna make it intimate.

i've got my finger on the trigger.

they come and go.

YOU DON'T WANT ME LIKE THAT ( also by Rachel Bochner )

if you hated me it'd be easier.

i know what's coming is really gonna hurt.

if i hated you, i would've never tried.

it's a habit you conditioned.

i wonder if you know you're bad.

i wanna tell you that i miss you.

you wouldn't say it back.

you don't want me like that.

you don't want a picture of me sitting on your nightstand.

you don't wanna touch me in the way we both know you can.

you just like the way i feel stuck in the palm of your hand.

where do you get off on it?

i do the extra credit but you're never satisfied.

i keep you center stage.

you keep me on the side.

i'm crossing all the lines.

you won't call it what it is.

you just call me when you're blue.

the fantasy is cute.

i would give you all i have.

i stay up waiting for you.

i can't keep waiting.

BABYBLUE

baby blue was always your color.

it's a little strange how we're seeing each other.

god, you look just as i remembered.

it's been a few years.

i've known you forever.

you packed your bags and moved to [ Boston. ]

you needed a place that you could get lost in.

time will tell.

you got my youth on your bedpost.

say it ain't so.

our picture's getting dusty.

you smell vanilla and don't think about me.

i hope it's alright, your life without me.

you ran to my house in the pouring rain.

i've cried every damn day since you left.

i don't mind if i never get over it.

i've been watching reruns.

i should call my little sister, i worry about her all the time.

you hold other hands.

i'm biting my tongue.

you're making new plans.

i'm coming undone.

i watch your old films.

looking at it now, i think i love you still.

i try to be cool.

if i never say a word, does it make it less true?

i feel the time go.

i fear the unknown.

it's getting so old.

all of my anxieties are filling up my diaries.

the water ran cold.

there's so much i don't know.

i think i gotta go.

you see green and don't think about me.

BAD BANDIT

i've been lonely for awhile now.

i'm tired of this ghost town.

[ she ] looks pretty on [ her ] poster.

i'm thinking i could hold [ her ].

i want you on my body.

won't you face it?

you wanna make or break it.

you wanna feel me naked.

i'll show you how to take it.

count your blessings when the devil ain't got nowhere to go.

maybe i'm bratty.

i taught that [ man ] a lesson.

[ he ] was charming and i loved [ him ].

[ his ] urges were disgusting.

i bed [ him ] down to nothing.

that little [ lady ] wanted love.

it's such a damn shame.

you better run, babe.

[ she's ] taking aim.

[ she ] promised me [ her ] best.

i could see forever in [ her ] golden eyes.

my baby told me lies.

i swear i'm gonna die.

but i ain't the one biting the dust tonight.

i swear i'm gonna miss [ her ] for the rest of my days.

i still hear [ her ] voice.

BET YOU'LL GET OFF ON THIS

maybe in another year you might be different.

i'd rather not admit how many years i've been insisting.

you showed me your true colors.

you used to be the prettiest thing i'd ever seen.

what you said to me last sunday was disgusting.

i don't need to look at you to know you feel nothing.

you feel nothing.

maybe you like it better when i'm cool.

i don't give a shit.

did you really have to be so cruel?

all i ever did was try to love you.

i don't know who you are.

i saw the façade slip, and it was alarming.

i'm left with confusion.

how did you not ever learn to be human?

what did i expect?

you never grew up.

you think you're so deep, but you're so out of touch.

[ Natalie ] was right when [ she ] said that you were heartless.

i don't ever want you to touch me again.

i really can't stand the way you talk about your [ girlfriend ].

bet it hurts to know i'm no longer your forever.

i won't hold my breath, but i hope you get better.

i don't wanna belittle my love.

all we ever did was try to love you.

[9leaguesofmirrors]

The Debt Collector and the Sin Detector

This fic is inspired by @jfinb, specifically the hilarious dynamic they wrote between Reverend Bernice and Lisgoe. I had to write a fic where they met, so here it is!

Also, this might be one of my favourite fic titles I've come up with

ALSO also, this fic takes place in a world where Lisgoe finds out about Ross and Pauline doing stuff while he and Ross were talking, so it could be taken as a sequel to The Downgrade, but it wasn't intended as such

CONTENT WARNING: Mentions of sex, cheating, and alcohol consumption

When Lisgoe skulked into the local bar, he was fuming. Having to walk in the rain, when he didn't bring a coat, after finding out the guy he was maybe-or-maybe-not trying to get somewhere with went and had sex with his boss did not help his hypertension

What made it somewhat better was seeing, as he went to the bar and ordered a beer, the Reverend sat in the corner of the room with a large brandy in her hand

"Fucking hell!" Lisgoe laughed as he approached her, beer bottle in his hand "Reverend Bernice Woodall, downing a drink like a champ!"

"Who's this twat..." She muttered, glaring at Lisgoe "What do you want?"

"I thought drinking was against the rules of the Bible."

"And I thought being a nosy little bugger went against the rules of society."

This just amused Lisgoe further and he took the seat opposite Bernice. He looked at her for a few seconds, taking a swig of his beer

"Come here often?"

"Why are you talking to me like a horny teenager?"

"I'm asking you a fucking question!"

"Drink your drink."

As the man sneered and leaned his elbows on the table, Bernice studied him for a few seconds. For some reason, she felt as though she'd seen his face before - or at least heard that disgustingly sexy voice before

"You ever been to church, Pet?"

"Fuck no!" He laughed again "I have a brother that's a Reverend, but we don't speak. I collect people's debts, and the shite I've done would send me straight to Hell - if I believed in it."

That's when it finally clicked, there was only one man in Royston Vasey that acted this dickish

"Mr Lisgoe himself," Bernice sipped her brandy "never thought I'd see the day."

"Never thought I'd see a Reverend drinking a brandy, but I guess there's a first for everything."

"If you had to sit around listening to a bunch of boring sods whine about disappointing Sky Daddy, you'd be in here everyday. At least you can punch them in the face when they piss you off."

Lisgoe made a face of agreement and drank his drink again. He'd almost forgotten about the fiasco with Ross until Bernice asked:

"So, what brings you here?"

That instantly made him clam up, glaring at Bernice slightly

"Since when was this a fucking confession booth?"

"I'm asking you a fucking question!" Bernice imitated Lisgoe's previous statement, which got a withering look in response

"What would you do if you found out someone you were seeing was bumming their boss behind your back?" He snarled before holding up his bottle "I've earned every drop of this."

Of all the reasons, Bernice wasn't expecting Lisgoe to be caught in a love triangle. He didn't exactly seem like the type to be annoyed over something like that

"She sounds like a daft twat. You're a cunt, but you're not ugly. And to wrap her legs around her own boss? Sounds like a dirty slapper to me."

"I don't give a shite anymore. I mean, do I look bothered? Is my face bothered, Reverend?"

"Not at all."

As they sipped their drinks, a neutral silence fell over them. Lisgoe was the one to break it

"And it was a he, he slept with his female boss."

"You fucking what? You mean you're a bum muncher?"

That got a slightly put-off glare from Lisgoe

"First of all, I'm not munching any bums! Second of all, just because I was with a guy doesn't mean I'm gay - I like women too."

"So you're a... what do they say? Bipolar? By proxy?"

"... Bisexual?"

"That's the bastard!"

Lisgoe shrugged, downing a gulp of his beer and slamming the bottle down with a satified sigh

"I don't label it. Only two things matter: either the other person has to be fuckable or I have to be really, really, really bored."

"Just make sure you get the boss out of the way."

"Piss off!" Lisgoe snapped, not showing any signs of offence "It's his loss, I'm a fucking delight!"

"You seem to be 2 shits short of a toilet in my eyes."

"At least I'm not wasting away in a little booth listening to people complain all day."

Oddly enough, the casual back-and-forth made Lisgoe feel a little less uptight about the whole situation prior. It felt good to have another person that was just as much of a foul-mouthed dick as he was - even if she did look slightly rotten

"About that fella, ever thought about revenge?"

Lisgoe looked at her, left eye twitching in confusion

"Your ex fling had it off with his boss," she explained "what better way to show him up than taking someone home? Someone that'll get Royston Vasey talking."

"You think I should pimp myself out?"

"No, you silly goat! I'm saying you should cause a scandal. He's an attention whore, so do something that takes that away. Plus, it might light a fire under his backside."

Lisgoe considered the suggestion, looking around at the people inhabiting the bar. Nobody was that impressive. In fact, they were unspecial at best and repulsive at worst - so nothing had really changed there

"Everyone here looks one cough away from death. I don't mind someone a bit older, but not fucking decrepid!"

"With the way your love life's going, you can't afford to be picky."

"Rude bitch! I thought the Bible preached kindness and shite?"

"I'm a Reverend drinking a brandy at one in the morning, do you really think I'm worried about a big book?"

Once again, Lisgoe found himself puffing out a laugh. It was an odd feeling; it was nice, but in a way that felt different to Ross. Less intense, more casual

Bernice finished off her brandy and placed the glass on the table, she then drummed her nails against the wood as she waited for the pleasant buzz of alcohol to hit her system

"Want another one?"

"Nah, don't bother."

"You a lightweight then?"

Bernice looked at him like he was the daftest twat in Royston Vasey

"Do I look like a lightweight to you? Can a woman not refuse a drink from a stranger? I don't want you using my body as a sex doll - not when I'm unconcious anyway."

"Fucking hell, relax! I'm not that twisted and I'm definitely not that desperate." Lisgoe finished off his beer "I'm asking because, shockingly, I'm enjoying myself. It's like talking to someone's batty grandma."

"Batty grandma!" Bernice was taken aback and apalled by the comparison "Don't take fucking liberties, Mr Lisgoe."

"You can just call me 'Lisgoe', nevermind that 'Mr' shite... unless saying that turns you on or something."

"I have a right mind to buy another drink just to lob the glass at your fucking head!"

Lisgoe smirked to himself, leaning back in his chair. He had to admit, talking to Bernice seemed to do a fair bit of good to his mood. It was a strange feeling, he felt more drawn to the Reverend than any other stranger, but not in the same way he was drawn to Ross. To him, they were in a strange middle ground between acquaintances and partners

"Got something on your mind, Pet?"

That effectively snapped Lisgoe out of interally berating himself and he turned to Bernice with a shrug

"Just bored."

Bernice's lips formed into a sly smile. She didn't feel a connection to the man in front of her - well, not a romantic one at least - but she wasn't blind just yet. She may have had a mild astigmatism, but her sight was fine other than that. And what she was seeing got her juices flowing... in more ways than one!

And who was she to pass up the opportunity?

"How bored are you, Pet?"

At that point, Lisgoe realised her game. Despite thinking that Bernice looked slightly decaying, there was something about her that suggested a decent lay - plus, shagging a Reverend was on his bucket list

"Really, really, really fucking bored." He shrugged "And up for revenge. But I need some help with that."

"Nothing like a revenge shag, is there, Mr. Lisgoe?"

Lisgoe got up with a devilish grin

"Knew that turned you on, you perverted shite."

*********************************************

Bernice was the first to emerge from her confessional booth, her knees slightly stiff as she walked out. She looked around for a bit before confirming nobody was there

Lisgoe then exited, zipping up his trousers and scowling at her

"Last time I checked, people don't bite when they suck dick."

"I didn't bite you, don't be a big baby!" Bernice snapped back "My teeth just grazed you."

"That wasn't grazing, Bernice, I have bitemarks on my dick!"

"Don't act like you don't like it rough, you're the exact type. Bet that boytoy of yours took chunks out of you."

"Yeah, I like to play with pain, but Ross never bit me on the tip of my cock."

"Well, Ross is currently balls-deep in another woman, so you'll have to save those fantasies for another night."

With a sneer, Lisgoe leaned his back against the confessional booth. To say the experience was pleasant would be unture, but... at least... no, it was just unpleasant. And it caused Lisgoe's mind to wander back to a few weeks ago. The memories weren't even sexual, they were just better than whatever the fuck just happened

"Now what?"

Bernice's voice, once again, effectively snapped him out of his own head

"I'm not fucking you again."

"Never said I wanted that."

A pause in the conversation

"You're a fucking terrible shag," Lisgoe said "but you're not bad to talk to. You're a battered old witch and I like that."

"Well, I like that you're a moody prick with a weird sense of humour."

"That's oddly nice coming from-"

"You also have a very nice moan."

"And you had to fucking ruin it!"

They both ended up laughing, a proper laugh that neither of them had shared before. The kind of laugh that felt satisfying in a strange way

The kind of laugh only friends share

A/N: This took longer to finish than I thought, mainly because I forgot I even wrote it. It's a little cursed and VERY silly, but it's also a favourite for that exact reason

[joprompts]

the great gatsby (2023 musical) starters. part two. *starters from the musical. slightly edited for rp purposes. adjust as necessary.

better hold tight or i might fly away.

do you know what i did when my baby was born? when i found out that she was a she? i prayed that my beautiful child would be the fool that i could never be.

if that's the plan, you can count me out.

only four hours left and there's too much to do. i don't know what to wear, what to say, how to stand when i'm standing inside the foyer!

can justice be done? what a joke!

soon, we'll share in what i've done.

when the party's over, can you find another party somewhere?

we live for today.

one way road, is that what this is? have i traveled down it from a very early age?

it's tea, it's only tea! no need for such commotion!

today is never over if the party never stops.

god sees everything, but is slow on his commands.

i wonder what [she'd/he'd/they'd] do, if i walked through.

what if i turn into her?

she should know that i mean business, but i also mean causal, with teeny tiny sandwiches!

i'm sure you're the second-best she's ever had!

with only a nickel to my name, i've but it all to get in the game.

even for you, that was a scandal for the ages.

it took no time to love her, just to be worthy of her.

this could turn for me and i can guarantee when all this is done i'll be forever in your debt.

i wouldn't trust myself.

i kissed her and knew i'd ever stray, but then the world got in the way.

can you see through the mist? look out this way. can you see the green light, just across the bay? sometimes, it's blinking, sometimes it's warning, blinking it's message to me until morning. it's a lighthouse.

none of this was made to last.

i will be a rich man's wife with a rich man's baby and be set for life.

will she see i've made my world in the image of her dreams? the closer that i get, the farther that she seems!

i've become the man her world demanded me to be.

they want me to come in while the killer roams free.

better listen to that man. people say he takes the world seriously.

can you believe we now have a child?

she never loved you and she never will.

i built the perfect place to stay locked away.

we pay off the cops.

there must be some justice! someone has to pay!

how's the view from up there?

i spoke those words to gain security. it was maybe a mistake and the only choice to make.

i think you two are birds of a feather. i must find ways to fling you together. lock you both up in a closet for tea, charter a boat, push you right out to sea!

i've always known what i was fighting for.

to have and to hold. til death do us part.

only we know what we're going through. if i save you, will you save me too?

i'm gonna walk into the ocean!

we had to give up all the parties and drinking.

the party's roaring on.

marriage is more than vows and devotion. it is a ferris wheel of emotion. lifting you up, right after you fall. marriage is not what you picture at all.

i'm not going anywhere.

but now, today i see an open door at last that could lead me to a future i gave up in the past.

she eats and sleep and it is utterly wild!

i'm paralyzed with happiness.

i built a home beyond my childhood dreams.

breathe, i can't breath! can't hold it together! i try to inhale and my head starts to swim.

when i saw him walking down the aisle, he actually looked cute.

i've come so far for her.

if we don't go now, we might never know what this could be! who we really are!

i'm smart enough to know i'd lose everything if i ever strayed.

and boy, was i a sucker.

we'll be living back in time, just as it was before. only now she will have everything and more.

i've always liked swinging at little white balls.

it's time for tea!

can we stop for a moment and just look around. look at us all and the joy we have found.

i can't run away.

at the end of the night, i'm going home with him.

can you see through the mist, across the bay?

i let him put a ring on me.

but don't you think that every newlywed believes their marriage will endure and that somehow will escape their fate? is that every wedding's curse?

everyone can stop tip-toeing.

money can't buy happiness, no sir, but it brings you closer.

am i chasing a dream?

[living-my-future-past-life]

Die alone in love - A letter to my muse

When I was young, I cried one night and spoke to the moon, I asked it "Please, let me know what love feels like one day". Of course, I meant that I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved. I grew up unwanted, a mistake, isolated by my peers, and only experiencing toxic relationships in which I was typically used.

As time passed, I did not find my love, it never found me. Nigh, I carried on.

Years later I met you, you made my mornings better, messages on my commute made my days start with a smile. I felt something with you I'd never felt before, and tried denying it. You were a magical thing to me, and it was easier for me to pretend you weren't real than to admit I had started falling in love with you. For many years, only one friend of mine even knew you existed. I tried dating others, but it was the same old story, and it never worked.

One day I was due to have serious surgery, I had a major panic attack, and temporarily passed out. Oh, how my life flashed before my eyes. I saw friends, animals, childhood memories, and you. I did not even see any of my ex-partners, only you.

You were the first man outside of my immediate family to ever see me without makeup. The only man I've ever been truly vulnerable with. You're the only person I listen to no matter what my mood is - and I am a stubborn bitch. You're the only person who's ever been able to calm me down when I've had a panic attack. You're the only one I feel completely safe and at ease with. I've made mistakes, my trauma brain led me astray, and I forgot to say... I trust you completely. You have an effect on me, and always have, in a way I just cannot explain.

In my recovery I was confused, and reached out to you. How our friendship grew after that, and with it's growth, so did my feelings. Deeper and deeper in love with you I fell, and some many months later I tried to tell you. It did not go great did it? You never said you did not love me, nor did you say you did, but you pulled me closer rather than push me away. You're a curious little weirdo sometimes.

I understand why you hid yourself from my slightly now, and I did prefer it, it was like playing pretend, because until you stopped... I could also hide from how I felt about you. It was easier. Having to deal with realising I love you was one of the hardest things I ever did, growing up as I did, I never knew what unconditional love looked like, that it could even exist. I once asked you if you believed in true love, I think we both had our doubts that it existed back then, maybe you still do, I don't anymore.

You come and go like a yoyo, but I hope deeply, even if you never love me back, that you will at least stay in my life. Days are brighter with you around, songs are more beautiful, flowers bloom faster. I'll never expect you to love me. But, I also know I cannot turn off the way I feel for you, how many times I have tried, how I tried to move on, tried to forget you...

But, damn it, we are too alike, to forget you I have to forget myself... I did that once and ended up miserable. So, maybe it is better to just love you forever even from afar, and stay true to myself... Maybe that's why you told me to forgive myself.

Sometimes, I get sad at the prospect of living alone all my life, and I really do mean alone. Friends already living their own lives, married with kids, and me... not. Even without my feelings for you, no one is interested, the last person who was sexually assaulted me. It's sad, sometimes, the prospect of this loneliness forever, wishing I could turn off my love for you, wishing there was a switch, but even that would be useless, I know what love looks like now, feels like... Going into the dating game these days knowing this... It'd be even more depressing I think.

But, I can't turn off how I feel, I cannot just stop loving you no matter how hard I try. And sometimes I look to the little girl staring up at the moon asking it to let her know what love feels like, and I realised it answered my wish, even if not how I wanted. It answered my wish when it gave me you.

And, while my life may be lonely, it is not without love. Every day, I go to work, feed my cat, I partake in many hobbies, and every day... My heart beats a drum beat to your song. If I died tomorrow, I would not have lived a loveless life... I'd have lived one where I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally, with all their flaws, faults, quirks... That is something few ever know in their lives. I am grateful to you, for simply existing, because by existing you have allowed me to know what it feels like to truly love someone.

So, even if I never get to wrap my arms around you, if I never get to make you a cup of tea on a cold winter evening, or celebrate your wins and mourn your losses by your side... I'll have lived a life where I really, truly, deeply, loved.

Maybe, that's enough.

I'm forever yours.

[take-ya-to-the-ghey-bar]

just because my brain is a lil mushy for writing-- and the mood to do this struck me-- imma piggy back off some earlier chatter with Jackie ( @akumanoken ) on that "list of voices that 'do things™'" just because--

Disclaimer before i start: For the VA entries here, reference points are going to be given via the characters i know them best as/who's performance best fits the sprit of this list-- These are also in no real order, mainly just whatever order i thought of names first lol

Morikawa Toshiyuki

{as Tsukinami Carla - Diabolik Lovers}

Okay so, Carla is slightly an outlier in this group-- seeing as I've never had the chance to play any of the game series he's from (and may not ever be able to, unless i find finished English patches and try to fuck around with that route--) But regardless of that, i've heard his voice via some videos online in the past-- and My God-- this man could end me. (and i should i get to play any game routes featuring him, imma probably die on the spot--)

Sakurai Takahiro

{as Mukami Ruki - Diabolik Lovers}

Again, i doubt i'll ever be able to play his routes in game, but-- i do believe at one point i watched the anime adaptation that was made for More Blood, and even if it was a train wreck (like the rest of the anime for this series lol) i can at least recall enjoying Ruki's VA out of all that mess XD {also, bonus mention for one of his characters songs here, as i just now heard this one today-- and rather enjoyed it u w u}

Daisuke Ono / J. Michael Tatum

{as Sebastian Michaelis - Kuroshitsuji}

I-- don't really have much to say on this point lol, aside from the fact that these men doing their voices for Sebastian 100% fit the spirit of this list XD (i'm also skipping giving a link here, because i'm sure anyone reading can go find an example of both VAs in this role very easily lol)

Morita Masakazu

{as Yanagi Aiji - Collar x Malice}

Yanagi sits in kind of an odd space honestly lol-- because on the one hand, i enjoy just listening to him-- thanks to "older brother/caring dad" sorta vibe he gives me... but at the same time, i can't deny that certain voice dips he does-- they do hit a lil different. {for a better show case of what i mean, check out this vid of his "interview" via the voice recorder extra-- tho i sadly couldn't find one with the eng sub}

Kimura Ryouhei

{as Shiraishi Kageyuki - Collar x Malice}

hhhh-- Shiraishi, my boi... i love this man-- and like, his voice wins a spot here because, much like with Micchan-- i'd lowkey die if i ended up as a target of the teasing he enjoys doing. {and the bonus voice recorder section for him as well--}

Suwabe Jun'ichi

{as Abraham Van Helsing - Code: Realize}

Van somewhat falls in line with Yanagi, as i find his voice rather soothing to listen to... and i admit, my frame of reference for them both is a little fuzzy--thanks to not having played either game for a while... But-- i do remember an extra story from the first C:R game, which gives us all sleepy voice Van, and just-- that one lowkey ended me.

Hirakawa Daisuke

{as Saint-Germain - Code: Realize}

{& Itsuki Mito - Secret xxx / Therapy Game}

listen-- just... listen-- Hirakawa earns his place here because as both bois, i could listen to this man talk for ages-- (much like the mentions below--) But-- thanks to certain scenes from the Secret xxx CD... i can not unhear this man doing spicy audio-- and that fact is forever going to end me. (and Itsuki doesn't get an example link, simply because i don't think i've got anything timmed from the CD he mainly features in--)

{Honorable mentions} This section is for voices that I adore listening to, but, they don't quite fall into the same category as the above list-- More so just that type of mood where it's the "i could listen to you talk for ages" sort of vibe lol

Hirakawa Daisuke's performance as Laito Sakamaki {Diabolik Lovers}

Taniyama Kishou performance as Ikki {Amnesia VN Series}

[ricomola]

I just saw your slightly angsty post on twitter about Tsukishima as a dad, and I have so many thoughts.

first of all, I think Koito would really hate the gross parts of parenting, like if a baby spits up or needs a diaper change, though I imagine him getting better about it over time... Tsukishima would be fine with it though. he's dealt with worse.

Koito would definitely be the more cuddly parent, because I do think Tsukishima would be unsure of being a parent at first, so he'd be awkward about it. he knows logically that he is in control of whether or not he acts like his dad, but the thought still worries him. I think eventually he'd have sort of a breakthrough about it though, like if the kid needs to be held or rocked or comforted, and Koito isn't available somehow. I can totally imagine him falling asleep with his kid cuddled up on his chest, and Koito finding them like that. Tsukishima would be able to get to that point, I believe.

I also think Tsukishima would become the kid's favorite for certain things actually, and he wouldn't even understand how he did it. like, Koito is the active parent, so if the kid wants to play or run around, well... they could both stand to burn off some energy tbh. but if the kid is ever overwhelmed or upset and wants someone quieter to be around, I think they'd go to Tsukishima.

I also can't stop thinking about like... what if the kid actually ends up having a greater resemblance to Tsukishima's habits? like maybe the kid is a little shy, and easily scared/embarrassed/frustrated, so they deal with this by mimicking Tsukishima. like they'd get quiet and scowl to try and make people leave them alone, and it looks exactly like Tsukishima's grumpy expression. I'm imagining a little 4 year old doing Tsukishima behaviors... Koito would think it's really cute and funny.

on the other hand, I can totally see Koito and the kid yelling for him in the same tone of voice whenever either one of them needs something. also, Heiji Koito being a grandpa is such a cute concept... he would adore that kid.

xD Yeah, Koito is so squeamish BUT he has proven to be very diligent and professional when he has to. Like enduring dirt, blood, sweat, getting scars and so. I'd say he knows his priorities. And because he had a strong conection with his dad he'd do his best to be like that and get his sh*t together xD Of course he'd be like eww but still do what must be done and feel proud and happy when the diaper is clean.

And agreed, Tsukishima would be unsure at first and slowly accept that he is not his dad and that he loves people to death and that his recurrent thought of "my bloodline is worthless" gets totally neutralized by the fact that they're also Koito's (extremelly important).

Habits...I can imagine them loving Tsukishima's steadiness and predictability. He'd be good at listening and teaching them values like patience, gratitude and responsibility. They'd be very amused by his physical strength too xD And of course they'd catch the habit of echoing Koito's calls hahahha Tsukishima is stressed but happy, the usual.

[lovelytayforce]

TFP Airachnid would be cool 2, 3, 8, 12, 28, 37, 50

This is gonna be a long one lads, so buckle up!!

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on Obvious HC: The pain and trauma she inflicts on others is mostly her own lil way of dealing with her own internal bs that not even Rung could untangle. While I don't ship Arcee with her, I do think she does feel a certain kinship as one of the few femmes on the show much less in that small group of surviving bots of their species considering there is also only one of her kind left (based on tfwiki and my limited knowledge) It's kind of how I feel about TFP Megatron and Starscream, in a war that's been so long these "terrible people" are now apart of their lives. This is their normalcy as weird as that may sound. Idk I don't think we as a fandom explore the fact they are a dying species outside of "Let's get em reproducing" What about how their long lives affect their own relationships with their enemies and how they are a key part of their lives and that nagging voice reminding them "This is it." She counts as a modern Predacon; Kre-o is canon guys I said so. 🫵🏽😜 She is super cute, look at her!!!!

3. Obscure headcanon - She's Nocturnal which means I can make all the neet jokes I want with her! - I 200% believe she's the type who's terrible at following directions and follows the mantra "I'll do it when I do!" but will get super passionate about the things she wants to do so yeah not exactly a team player. (Idk why but I associate her with a lot of Anzu cards lol) One of those passions is unfortunately taking people's heads and making Starscream and Megs life hell.

Her form can't adapt to most vehicle modes which is how I just explain whatever the hell happened with her helicopter mode...Idk in a sci fi sense her biology is just so interesting to me. - She loves sweet things. (Am I projecting more of Anzu on her, maybe but who knows maybe she liked taking sweet energon when she turned into a Vampire so watch out sweet lovers~!)

She's 200x worse in the cold than most Cybertronians and is more at risk of going offline than Optimus.

She has 2000% sat on Megatron's throne and stayed there despite him standing right there, you can't tell me otherwise. Her connection with insecticons is mostly superficial; due to their similarities in species and I'd love to speculate she doesn't actually control them, just direct their actions vaguely with signals only their own kind can hear. (I feel like this was explained in the show but I legitimately forgot...so yeah hc...)

She's sillier than others give her credit, but it probably surprises her sometimes too. 8. Unpopular opinion about them Alot of y'all are gonna hate me for this but I think she's just as redeemable as the rest of the cons!!!! Listen she's part of a very small species called Arachnicons and is constantly belittled as a more intelligent Insecticon by other Cybertronians and yes while in TFP she does have the connection to control that sort of hive, I've never seen anyone explore that aspect of the aligned continuity much less her character. That holds a lot of potential for angst and I know we all love evil gals but she can still have more depth to her. Anyways if I ever get around to it. I would be down to write a fic of her being slightly better with some still questionable morals as all cons should have! TLDR; I think she's a more interesting character than people give her credit for and I love her! 12. Crack headcanon Another Kre-O bit that never left my mind; she never admits it but I like to believe she would enjoy and crave (Just a smidge) to be a part of group activities.

She doesn't find Megatron funny at all but listens anyway. (Hey if we can count his love for MLP from Ask Megatron as a fanon HC; I can have this! You CAN'T TAKE THIS FROM ME!) - I never mentioned this on Megatron's post but well here we go. She and Megatron would both have black Holoforms She'd have more frizzy curly hair while Megatron has locs. 😘 28. How they feel about [insert character of your choice from the same fandom] Well, it said character of my choice so I chose; THE WHOLE DECEPTICON MOVEMENT; I like to think she did see it as a place to belong for awhile until it went full-blown military and "follow my exact order" type deal she liked it better when it was chaotic before the Great Exodus and all that jazz. Let's be real, she's not the only con like this even KO is more along the lines of wanting to do as he pleases, so deep down if she hadn't taken Breakdown out. They could have been not friends but understood one another maybe? (Ah that's another crack hc...) 37. What they really think about themselves She sees herself as the ideal hunter, she follows her instincts without a second thought; even if others look down on her, she won't feel ashamed of who she is. If anything she probably views herself as "pure" not in a kind sense but accepting her urges to kill as natural while everyone else wears of mask of civility. 50. A memory they’ve blocked out

Her fight with Soundwave. Not part of the post but I just wanna remind people of the fact she's voiced by two queens; Gina Torres and Ryoka Tuzuki are both MOTHER, they could never make me hate a character you voiced 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

[edge-oftheworld]

hi! i saw your post about the nostalgia tour and i couldn’t say i know the exact feeling because i didn’t get to go, but i ~kinda~ think i know what you’re talking about from the ep per se. i wouldn’t touch twitter with a ten foot pole and sometimes i don’t know how to articulate these feelings, but i do get the slightly off vibe. i don’t know how to interpret it and that’s so frustrating bc it’s just… a feel. anyway, idk if i said anything or not, but yeah. would love to hear your thoughts bc mine are just ramblings.

hi anon! thanks for this ask. unfortunately I've said just about all I can on here--if you go in my archive of my blog to june 16th you can see my thoughts on my show but i'm not gonna bring them back to the top of my blog.

HOWEVER if you do go off anon I am more than happy to have this conversation more privately, but out of respect for luke there's a line that I'd rather not cross when it comes to speculation somewhere I can't at least do the due diligence of controlling who is able to see what I'm saying.

on a more generalised note, something about being anywhere under the neurodivergent umbrella means often a high correlation with a bunch of chronic health things, it's something i'm watching myself and a lot of my friends in our 20s go through. part of it is down to our brains and bodies/nervous systems being built differently (hence neruroDIVERGENT), part is due to the excess stress of living in a world not built for us. some people in this general demographic of society are gonna become musicians, and some are gonna become actually successful at that, and have to deal with the extra stressors of touring and fame and loss of privacy. I've been saying for years we need to be more accommodating for that.

how much, if any, of this applies to luke I could not say. he's gonna share however much he feels like when he feels like and we're gonna listen and respect that because he doesn't have to and we're lucky to get whatever we do. but I also think listening to and respecting him also has an active component: when he says he was too young to go through what he did, we need to ask ourselves, how can we make this industry have safeguards to be developmentally appropriate for a 16 year old? when he says (at my show) that the last time he was at this venue he wasn't allowed anywhere but the stage and upstairs because he was 17, we need to think to ourselves, how could we (or whoever's in charge) offset the loss of freedom that would feel like?

and when he says that making music is helping him heal and have a better relationship with everything around him we have to believe that. even though we worry, of course we do, this career path is really dangerous for anyone who started young. everyone is gonna struggle with that in different ways and we're gonna be understanding of that instead of judging, because none of us have ever been through what he has or been inside his head. i hope this was a bit of an answer to your question anon even if it wasn't a proper answer!

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 8th January

And with the start of January proper, we see the resurgence of a genre I really did think we'd put to bed. It's almost like I'm being haunted by the ghost of Winifred Atwell - except somebody's tuned her piano, this time!

More Party Pops - Russ Conway (peaked at Number 10)

It's even titled like a Winifred Atwell number. Which I guess is the point, so that people looking for this sort of popular piano medley would know what to look for, when browsing down at the record store. Still, as titles go, "More Party Pops" feels clumsy. Just like a lot of this medley does - there's at least one point where rather than transitioning smoothly between songs, we literally stop and start up again at a completely different speed.

Aside from that, it's channelling the exact same vibe as Winifred's "Let's Have A _______" series, with a whole bunch of presumably popular songs, played in a slightly slipshod ragtime style, along with a bit of drumming in the background. The piano is in better tune, as I mentioned in the intro, but apart from that, it's nigh-on identical in its execution to literally any of Winifred's stuff, down to the inclusion of "Music! Music! Music!", the only one of the tunes that I did actually recognise, and one that I also remember being on one of the "Let's Have a _______" tracks.

Aside from that, we've got familiar bangers such as "If You Were the Only Girl in the World", "I'm Nobody's Sweetheart Now", "Yes, Sir, That's My Baby" (spiritual predecessor to Baccara's "Yes, Sir, I Can Boogie"?), "Some of These Days", "The Honeysuckle and the Bee", "Hello! Hello! Who's Your Lady Friend?" (to which the correct answer is always "None of your business, and please leave us alone") and "In a Shanty in Old Shanty Town". I'm familiar with precisely none of these, and listening to the track on repeat hasn't helped me, much. It's all just a kind of jolly blur, I'm afraid. There was a sequel song, too, "More Party Pops Part 2", and I only recognise one song from there, either, which is "Bill Bailey Won't You Please Come Home". And I only know that song beacuse the comedian Bill Bailey does a version of it, I don't know it beyond that context.

Russ Conway, at least, seems quite an interesting character. He was self-taught, and learnt the play the piano - though not to read music - while in borstal for stealing from his employers, after leaving school aged only 14. Despite this rougher start, he then did very well for himself during World War II and got a Distinguished Service Medal for heroics in the Aegean after being conscripted into the navy. He ended up in the merchant navy after the war, but left because of ill health, and somehow ended up playing piano on the club circuit, at this point, still unable to read music - which is where he was picked up as a recording artist. Talk about an interesting background!

I don't object to this song, but I find I have very little positive to say about it. Instrumentals can be like that, especially this sort of "put it on at a party" medley record. I just have no context for how you would play one, or why - was it background, like a Spotify playlist, or a novelty, like a YouTube mashup, or some secret third thing? Would people have gathered round and spotted the different references? Or was it just something pleasant to avoid awkward silences? Was it fun for all the family, or did a certain demographic mostly spring for these? Clearly the title tells us that these were intended for parties, but what kind of parties? Were they ever played in other contexts? I simply have no idea, and I don't even know what I'd look for to find out. If you are somehow reading this and know, genuinely, please get in touch.

Favourite song of the can't-believe-it's-not-Winifred bunch: More Party Pops

[clubsmarties]

"I don't mind." His head turned to look at her. "Seriously, I like that you have a sense of humor and are down to tease. I don't think I'd be able to stomach you if you didn't like to tease too." The long messages request made him laugh and roll his eyes. "Do it. I'll put those pictures up on my fridge." As it was his fridge was a collection of family pictures and ones that Matt had taken with the crew. It was almost like his hall of fame wall.

Wally smiled as he couldn't believe she had made yet another point. "Fair," he whispered. "A part of me wishes she wasn't so set in her ways but on the flip side of that coin I understand. You're right. She does love her home especially after she reclaimed it again." The ghosts of her past now mere shadows once she held her head up high taking back her beloved home. "Just miss her. Traveling isn't too bad but traveling with ten under ten becomes a little overwhelming."

"Oh okay," he still didn't believe her but laughed along with her. "I'm convinced. Listen, we'll start slow very slow. You'll meet at the stables and feed them. One step at a time. I don't think you'd be on one that same day but what do I know. You may end up surprising me. Not unusual to what you do every other day. A pony is cute and will follow you along. You and a pony, now that is adorable. Make sure to bring boots though."

He caught that and gave her a side eye look then tilted his head. There was a hint of something that colored her voice. "Oh God. Please no. Unless the dates are with you then I'm game. If not, no thank you. Small talk is annoying. Also you underestimate my ability to talk and talk. You got the special version." That didn't stop a smile from spreading. She had gotten him to feel comfortable to yap at her randomly. A beaming proud smile was shot in her direction as he nodded. "Oh, I know. You're the best at what you do. Why do you think I bring my homework to you." A clear joke just to make her smile.

That was interesting. It sounded like people he read in books. Someone who so easily could acclimate to their surroundings. He sometimes did that exact same thing for work but difference was that he played a character. Home, though he had two technically, in his heart when he thought of home, it was his beloved bayou. "That is interesting." Sometimes whatever he thought of rolled off his tongue. "Have you gotten that feeling yet? When you have gone back? What if you found that feeling in a person instead of a place? Makes the place better because of that person." Wally frowned slightly as he wondered why she did that. "It's not stupid. You know. Charlie and Anna and Orion are part of your tree. May not look like the traditional one but it's still roots and they're still growing. Family isn't just who you're related to." An eye roll at her statement and sighed in a laugh. "Narcissist entered the chat."

"He had two excuses. One was he tripped on a vine chasing a clown." He stopped and nodded. "True story though. Wild but true. And the second one he said he got drunk and hit the wall. I think he just didn't want to say he got into it with Jason. The boys do get clowned hardcore when it is something stupid and silly." He laughed knowing he did love to mess with her. "But I've never lied to you. Messing with you, sure. But never lied to you." A toothy grin showed on his face as he chuckled. "Come to think of it my left hand burned when I touched them. Same hand holy water stings on." As if he wanted to change her. "I have no complaints on your bossy nature. Not gonna hear me ever tell you to change." Her eye roll caused another one of his to show and smirked. "So if I hadn't brought you to a lighthouse, I'd have been asked out on the bed?"

Wally was just giving her a hard time but it was suffice to say he enjoyed making her laugh or smile. He'd take an eye roll too. "Dont worry about waking me. My internal clock will probably be up when you are." Remembering the times he had babysitting duties and four tiny humans climbed up on him to get him up and out of bed. He loved hearing her talk and if he could have her do so forever he would. As he turned onto her street he hummed. "That does sound beautiful. Yours is way better than why I like it."

"You're gonna laugh," he started as the laughter began to bubble. "It was second grade. It was the only class I didn't have with my sisters. I had taken a test and was in some bullshit percentile so got plucked from my classes with them and put into another. Didn't know anyone there and everyone looked at you funny even though they were all at the same level but anyway. The seats were colored so I happened to sit in the maroon section. I attached to that color because it was at the far left by the window and coincidentally where I could see my sisters from the next class. I hated all the other colors except maroon."

Guilt instantly ate her for teasing him like that, which she didn't understand why. Distance was exactly what she was looking for so why was she bumping his shoulder with his, playfully trying to make levity of this. The words were out of her mouth before she even realized they were coming out. "You know I'm just giving you a hard time but seriously, don't send me long messages. Unless they are important, I won't listen to the whole thing. But I'll also be sending you loads of photos of Dolly having fun without you."

It was obvious to anyone who interacted with this family, just how much they cared for each other. It was something that she contributed heavily to their mother and now she could also add stubbornness to the list. They all took up a lot from their mother. "Well, I think that's what happens when you find home, you know. And I don't mean like a house, but somewhere you can't imagine yourself ever leaving or coming back to, or away from just short periods of times. It's hard to find that. " Shrugging she added. "She loves her home, maybe small trips to acclimate to being around the grandchildren more might help."

There was a moment where she wanted to argue that waterboarding was a thing and that it was very much alive and a tool used on either side of the line but something in her didn't want to ruin this small moment in time. For whatever reason, she just wanted it to be. "I'm not scared of them!" Laughter laced her words. "I respect them, I know that they have their own minds and if they don't like you, they don't like you and have legs that can crush you." A small shudder ran through her. Broken bones and injuries she had experienced in the past paled in comparison to what she saw people suffer at the hands, paws, hoofs, of a wild animal. Well, maybe not, but she was in no hurry to find out. "Pony sounds good." A pony sounded safe, rich little girls always had ponies so if they could handle ponies she was sure she could too.

Of course his family had a list , there was something to be said about family. One that cared for each other, one that you you so much that they had list of qualities for someone to potentially be with you. It made her envious, she hated that feeling. It wasn't something that could be controlled though and she found herself muttering, "At least you had each other through it all." before she even processed it. Realizing how she sounded, she cleared her throat forcing herself to stop thinking, or feeling that way, wishing for things we can never have is pointless mi pequeñita, her stepmother echoed in her mind. "Will add to the list, I'm sure we can find you someone during our week. Or I can find someone while you're gone. Might come back to a week full of dates instead! I'm sure we'll find you someone just as great, if not better than your sisters husbands. One who understands and fills in everyone's criteria, promise, it's my job to find people. " She added the last part with a smile, a bit of pride in what she did. As much as she had fought the idea when Charlie came to her with it, she loved what she did now. Even if she never would admit it out loud.

Rolling her eyes at the sound of fate again, she shook her head at his apology. "No, its okay. Charlie said that he wanted me to tell Orion when I was ready because he was my dad, but I didn't know how. I was more focused on the responsibility aspect of it that it made me forget that he had already lost his birth mother. The kid already has gone through a lot. ," she chuckled. It was at this moment that he asked more about her dad and memories that she realized she was more open and honest than she had ever been. It made her hesitate. Then she shook it off, she was going to be gone soon enough once the office was up and running and she found someone to take it over. People had always been a revolving door in her life, what was one thing shared with someone she wouldn't see again. "Its not memories. I don't have any of it as as kid. Where ever we were he always called it home. So I just go to see if I ever feel about it the way your mom feels about Baton Rogue. A place I can't bare to think of leaving. Home." Her stepmothers voice rang in her head again and she shook the thought away with a small chuckle saying one last thing to let the subject drop. "It's stupid, though. I wouldn't know the first thing about it." Looking up towards the sky, her face scrunching slightly as if she was thinking really hard. "Narcissists exists, so them?"

Her imagination was already running wild at the thought of the celebration he was telling her about, wondering if she'd be around long enough to see it. Making a mental note to stay away from mazes if she was because who the hell thought it was a good idea to be trapped and scared at the same time? A shiver kept up her spine thinking about trying to find your way out of a maze while also avoiding people scaring you when she found herself laughing again. "Ah, yes the proverbial grapevine. What did you coworker say his blackeye was from? Defending someone's honor? Honestly that's what someone gets for scaring people, you never know when the three instincts of survival will pop up in someone." Always expect someone to hit you back or run, Charlie had told her when he began training her. Be prepared for both.

Her eyebrows knitted as she looked at him pointedly. "Because you like to bother and annoy me. So it's a little hard to not believe that you are just messing with me now." Then pretend shocked gasp, hand to the chest dramatically. "Colors?!?! Oh my god, did your hand burn when you touched them? Do I need to call the agency and let them know?" A self satisfied smirk at being called bossy, she lifted her right shoulder in a half shrug, head tilted slightly. "Good, cuz there's nothing you can do about that." Never in her life did she ever think she’d roll her eyes as much as she did when she was around Wally. “What are we six?” Settling in, she added. “Of course I’m taking my bed back. I’m just being nice because you brought me to a lighthouse.” Okay, stop being so standoffish something in her told her, she was after all in his sweater, in his car after he took her somewhere she liked after getting them dinner. “I just don’t want to wake you in the morning when the Holden’s get there. It’s just one time. Then you’re back on the guest couch spot.” She was tired. “I don’t know why. It’s not that bright and it’s a really nice color.” Hands in the sweater pocket, she burrowed into it as she watched things zip by out her car door window. “When I was small, we went to Maroon Bells in Colorado. I don’t remember much but I remember how pretty it was and how maroon was a gorgeous color because my dad said it is the perfect blend of red and brown. The lake had these beautiful different shades of color and I remember just falling in love with it thinking it was the perfect color to capture it all. Especially the color at the bottom of the lake, the dirt, clay, earth, water, the sun shining down on it. It was beautiful.” That was just a couple of months before he was taken from her, with a sigh she just let it end there as she placed her head on the cold window. "Why do you like it?" If she refocused all this attention back to him she wouldn't wallow in those thoughts.

[pazodetrasalba]

Devotio

Dear Caroline:

I do believe your simulationist cult has been attempted, and not once, but a whole many times, as it would fit the definition of almost any religion I can think of. Definitions are always contentions, but what is closer to the core of religious practice than prayer, understood as the act of asking things from a being with superior power and the ability to make things so (there is also an interesting overlap with magic, which is similar but turns the words into a ritualist petition which cannot be disregarded)?

A priori, praying to our gods/simulators does not sound like a crazy idea, but based on the little to non existent evidence that prayer to any deity under any circumstances has gotten better responses than random chance, and the amount of time we've been at it, it is not something at which I'd risk betting my lifetime savings (and as a process, it is probably duller than just having a blast at a casino's Roulette). If our gods exist, they are cruel and cold ones.

Funnily enough, when I was younger I tried to thought myself a way out to God's apparent irresponsiveness to prayer, which went on something like this: when it does not alter his designs for the universe and the causal chains of necessity, and the person is really virtuous, God does always answer to prayers. It is just that because of his heavy investment in human freedom, he simply alters the universe ever so slightly such that the prayer gets the answer it deserves and nobody (not even the person who made it) is aware and conscious that the change has actually taken place.

Moving from ℂ to ℝ, from the imaginary to the real divinities that are the object of our worship and our devotions, they don't tend to listen to our orisons either, but at least we can believe that in theory they could respond to our appeals. In a way, I find myself in exactly the same predicament, building this haphazard virtual shrine to you and your memory, Caroline, and hoping that one day you'll read it and grant me the boon of a few minutes' conversation. When picturing you as a goddess for the golden idol in the inner chamber, Athena comes immediately to mind, although I can't really see you wearing her weeds of warlike armor. As per the famous sultry nymph photo, something more like Lady Galadriel would probably be more apt, and me, Gimli-like asking not so much for three golden hairs as for a chance of getting to know and talk to you, and of offering any help and support that is within my power to give.

Our word for 'devotion' comes from an ancient Roman ritual of extreme sacrifice in which the devotee offers himself to the chthonic gods in exchange for victory. Let me conclude for today with its Livian exemplification.

Quote:

The pontifex instructed him to don the toga praetexta, to veil his head and, with one hand held out from under his toga touching his chin, to stand on a spear laid under his feet and speak as follows: 'Janus, Jupiter, Mars Pater, Quirinus, Bellona, Lares, divine Novensiles, divine Indigetes, gods whose power extends over us and over our enemies, divine Manes, I pray to you, I revere you, I beg your favour and beseech you that you advance the strength and success of the Roman people … As I have pronounced in these words … I devote the legions and auxiliaries of the enemy along with myself, to the divine Manes and to Earth

Livy, Ab Urbe Condita, 8.9.6

[mimosita]

Hello, I was browsing and came across that post asking about successful deradicalisations (november 7, 2022). I'm a case of that. Though I'm too embarrassed to talk about it openly off-anon, if that makes sense. I hope this doesn't come off as weird.

I went down the pipeline when I was in highschool (14 y/o or so). Far-right communities online appear as "supportive bros who offer lots of advice" to specially vulnerable people, but under all of that there's a whole bunch of harsh judgement and an environment that conditions these people to see their personal struggles as tied to their value as a person. So if you have second thoughts about the community or are personally hurt/upset that people are being hurt by any part of the rhetoric, you're just "not virtuous enough" and automatically "lesser". Also, they constantly repeat the message that once you're in you can never leave and that they're your only protection because everyone else in the world wants kill you on sight. TL;DR: it's all very cultish.

I can't describe the process as clearly as I'd like, because it happened during quite a turbulent time, but from what I remember: I think just turning into an adult helped a lot. I started getting a slightly clearer sense of what kind of person I wanted to be, what would make me happier, what I wanted to bring to people around me, etc, and started to realize that those places I hung out in didn't reflect any of that. Also, I had a major mental health crisis and that was the last straw that convinced me to finally get therapy. Other things that help are finding things you're passionate of, learning new things and exploring other perspectives that will help you deprogram yourself, stop being online 24/7, make an effort to meet new people. I didn't find a de-radicalization support group, but I've heard they can be great help too.

I want to emphasize one thing, though, and that is the DECISION part. If someone had tried to get me a therapist or told me that what I was doing was wrong and hateful a couple of years back, I wouldn't have listened at all. Reminding the person that there's a whole world outside all that garbage and offering support if they ever change their mind can help, but getting out is a personal decision that only the person themselves can take. I really wish driving people away from hate was as easy as telling them "Don't do that, here's why: _", but that's unfortunately almost never the case.

Anyways, sorry for placing this massive wall of broken English in your askbox. Have a happy 2023

Thank you for sharing this! I can see it is really personal and I imagine it is hard to talk about this experience.

I understand the context around your process. You were very young and that sense of being a part of a community (however hurtful) is strong. Belonging is a very human need, having a group of people to share and who you feel would have your back is understandably alluring.

What you said about being protected from the 'outside world' is super true! I've seen this with my friend. She feels everyone outside her "church" is dangerous and will hurt her.

I'm so happy that you not only got out of there but that you got better overall in your life. A healthy environment and curiosity and openness to approach the world are key factors.

And yes! I agree that it is something that can't be forced. It's difficult to know how to talk to someone who is so deep into those circles. It seems that no arguments can make a point. I still believe that genuine love can make a change.

Ahhh and don't worry! English isn't my first language and I often make mistakes haha

Thank you for sharing your process and for giving me new insights into how radicalization works.